#who has tried SO hard

[inkskinned]

it is all love.

sometimes you will see something saying what if it is all worth it or it gets better, doesn't it and in the little heart of you - you feel a darkness.

was it love, the way i was hurt? some things don't have a lesson in them. no silver lining. they were bad things, and they shouldn't have happened. i'm sorry they did. i am sorry they warp the space they hold in you. we tightrope walk around an ever-present grave. we carry that ache for so long it becomes smooth, overworn. i worry that i'll bore my therapist - despite all of my attempts, the pain persists the same, as sharp as it always was.

but it was all love.

every ugly moment after. every bad night. every time you drank too much and cried on the bathroom floor. every time you threw up from anxiety, every time you panicked in the grocery store. everything you ruined, and everything you walked away from.

some small part of you loved you enough. made you get up. made you wash your face and clean your teeth and call home. made you try again, even from the bottom. even when you were so tired of it; of restarting, of having to do-it-all-again. some part of you reached out. some part of you reached up. even there, in the bad spot - you somehow got up.

love will so rarely be big. it will so rarely be a moment like a dawn. love is shy, i think. she keeps her hands in front of her cheeks. she waits to peek out. and if you're not looking, she will look - normal.

but it will all be love. the way you pour yourself a glass of water. the little rabbit outside your window. your friend pushing your hair behind your ear. the way your dog greets you at the door. "put on a seatbelt". "text me when you get home safe". "oh, i started watching that show you love." "have you been okay?" "let's go for a walk" "whatcha doin?" "what should i make for dinner?"

oh, my life is so different these days. i don't have a partner. i call my friends a lot. i keep falling in love with the little tender moments; the glittering ones. you know, the bird in a puddle and the shush of a newly-lit candle. the movie-moments.

i am also learning to love the ugly. every moment i spent belly-flat to the floor, anxious and panting. every hour i stared at nothing, losing time to my adhd. every missed opportunity and bad memory. i am not doing well. i am spiralling.

but somewhere in there, while i am reduced to ashes. some part of me is an ever-burning ember. her little thankless job, her shy and croaking voice. she holds me to my body. she doesn't let me go. stay, she whispers. out of love. my love. wherever it goes.

some of the bad things that happened to me will always be bad. they did not make me a better person. they made me worse. i only learned what i can endure. and i did endure it. and love wasn't just the perfumed moments. love was just ... staying. while it's ugly and hard and horrible. love was just saying:

okay. i will keep trying. keep going. i owe it to the version of myself who brought me here. i owe it to my future. i owe it to the small loves i have found since - the music and the new recipes and the new books and the new hobbies. i owe it to myself to wait for the next best thing. this wall we have hit - love says keep walking. maybe one day we will find a door.

always, always: just one try more.

#spilled ink #poetry #warm up #does this make sense #like i think it's like.... #sometimes loving urself isn't being like ''i love myself'' #but instead. .. #''i am here. and im keeping myself here.'' #and i kind of feel like #i owe it to the past version of myself #who has tried SO hard #who loved me SO hard she kept going #so i can keep going for HER #who was so much closer to the Bad Things #who really had NOTHING #... if she made it #if I MADE IT #out of that #i can love a future version of myself loud enough #that i stay for HER #and for who we will be #someday! eventually!

[shhhhimwatchingthis]

just started the X-Files after years of Pop Culture osmosis, parody, references and memes

But holy shit did none of you prepare me for the pathetic wet cat rizz of Fox Mulder. Puppy dog eyes every other scene. He loses every stand off with every other government agent, military op, co-worker he bumps into. Sassy little quips in between getting his ass kicked and the puppy dog eyes. he's deeply traumatized. he has no social life. he never knows whats going on. he's one of the smartest people in any room he's in and knows more than most what's going on.

This guy is just sopping wet vibes, desperate need to believe, and love for Scully. Character of all time.

#the x files #x files #fox mulder #dana scully #x files season one #he drinks his respect women juice #he has a tragic past #he tries so hard #whats not to love #and contratsed with scully who is angry cool wicked smart tough as hell would trust her with my life

[morhido]

what is wrong with all of them

#WHY ARE THEY ALL FERAL CATS #i think hunter would be the only one in the hexsquad who's never bitten someone ngl #amity has DEFINITELY bitten her siblings before #like not even just as a toddler. once when she was 17 emira kept trying to steal her scroll so she bit her finger hard enough to bruise #(if any irls are reading this IM SORRY I BIT [redacted] WHEN SHE TRIED TO TAKE MY PHONE THAT ONE TIME) #toh #the owl house #toh willow #willow park #toh luz #luz noceda #toh gus #gus porter #gekkering

[turtleblogatlast]

Mikey and Leo episode centered around Mikey wanting to push Leo and Draxum together since Leo’s the most reluctant to give Draxum any grace (for good reason!) But, thinking on the spot, Leo says he’s gotta go do something for Hueso and “just can’t hang out right now 😔” (yes, he says the emoji out loud.)

Mikey calls his bluff and now the three of them (Mikey having grabbed a weary Draxum along) go to Hueso’s to find that yes, he actually does have a job for him. Said job asks for Leo to go with Hueso to deliver multiple pizzas to this giant yokai quite a distance away, and Hueso figured it would probably go better with Leo’s help (emphasis on probably.)

Well, Mikey decides that this would be a great bonding opportunity for them and basically invites he and Draxum along. Unfortunately for Leo, Hueso doesn’t care enough to wave away more help, though he does side-eye the wanted criminal Baron Draxum coming with them. But who is he to judge? (This choice has consequences.)

The journey goes about as terribly as you’d expect, but at least the pizzas get delivered on time.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt mikey #rottmnt leo #rottmnt draxum #rottmnt hueso #listen you don’t understand #imagine mikey trying to get leo to accept draxum as a father figure only for this to push leo to purposefully turn to Hueso instead #idk I love when this accidental flaw of Mikey’s is explored and I think it meshes well with Leo’s own AND fits nicely with their dynamic #100% this ends with Leo & Hueso bonding and Mikey & Draxum bonding and Mikey & Leo bonding and even Hueso & Mikey a bit #but notably only a little Draxum & Leo - because it’s important that Leo isn’t forced to accept him imo #Leo realizing during all his denials of Draxum that oh you know who he DOES think of as family? Hueso #Draxum is trying mainly for Mikey’s sake #Hueso is too tired to care about all this family drama but is reluctantly worried about Pepino #Mikey just wants one big happy family because - that’s just easier y’know? #he tries so hard to work with everyone’s emotions that he just wants things to be easy for once #he wants love and family to be easier than it is - than has BEEN lately #gimme that heart to heart Mikey & Leo moment in this regard #by the end Leo DOES raise Draxum up a bit from ‘complete distrust’ to ‘mild side-eye’ #but it’s a long ways off if he ever gets pushed into the family tier #and also #SO MUCH SLAPSTICK COMEDY and sarcastic comedy in this episode fr #and if you’re wondering- #yes they DO fight the Yokai monster they’re delivering the pizzas to #but they get paid so it’s whatever #kinda wanna attempt to copy the style of the show and make fake screenshots of this ‘episode’ ngl

[ryllen]

You know I am surprise Sebek that is never jealous to anyone who is close to Yuu. It is a boys school and I can imagine some have crushes on her.

#jk jk it's a total tragedy for sebek if he ever loves the same person as the one malleus loves #i swear malleus just loves the company #or is he #he did give me a little heart throb at the masquerade but that's all just yet #i can't really imagine anyone else likes her #malleus draconia #because partly i really don't plan of shipping her in the first place #sebek was a total surprise development fhsdshdh #this question arose at the time she was being shoved to jack #i can see that jack is totally someone to be jealous at ha ha; he is a total hunk #but i feel like sebek see him as a solid trustable friend than a snatcher who would disrespect him #i did think of a scenario from how sebek is jealous of malleus drinking coffee with silver that goes like... #yuu talking to silver; sebek be like “WHAT WHY ARE U TALKING TO SILVER MORE” #and yuu be like “bcs silver whispers when he talks” #and stubborn as he is sebek be like “I CAN TALK IN WHISPER TOO” #and he sat there and tried so hard to whisper which pretty much end up as at the very least normal talking voice #and Sebek just “GRRR NGRHRHHRH!!!!!! YOU'LL SEE I'LL WHISPER PROPERLY ONE DAY!!!! AND U'LL HANG OOUT WITH ME MORE” #fjsdsdj #but i don't even know what would yuu talk with silver #i didn't even realize before that silver is actually in 2nd class #they look so same age #yuu be like - . - to everyone anyhow #she just keeps the guy act while brushing off the thought whether the others already know she is a girl or not #sebek zigvolt #twst yuu #twst mc #twisted wonderland #twst #fanart

[st-hedge]

It wasn’t on my 2024 bingo card that I’d draw V again. Anyway I’ll go ahead ramble in the tags

#devil may cry 5 #dmc5 #dmc v #so I’ve replayed dmc5 a stupid amount of times since March #but to be fair it’s a very short game #but I’ve developed a hobby of trying to connect dots between v and Vergil #cuz the detail is actually so good #for instance even how he holds the cane is similar to how he handles Yamato #his expressions are so alike but it’s not obvious #but then I thought #why is vergil’s humanity some dweeb who is like 20 something #he is like closest age wise to his dmc3 version #(this has probably been answered but I wanted to figure it out myself) #then I remembered the line from v about how his humanity has finally returned #so has it been subdued and dormant ever since he got imprisoned by mundus #and is that why his humanity resembles his younger self #cuz the human vulnerable side of him has been dead #this is the only edition of Vergil I won’t drop kick on sight #human v is a dork ass goth who has a soft squishy heart #and he can’t even kill his brother who he hates so much when given the chance #UUUGGHHHHHHHHHH #don’t even get me started about the ordeal with Nero #v tried so hard to just see him as a tool but he knows that wasn’t the case

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Izutsumi character study

#dungeon meshi #izutsumi #One of my goals for this year was to spend more time doing art studies. #What better way to start than with my favourite danmeshi character (not seen: a whole page of figuring out her features) #I feel like she is by far one of the most poorly understood characters in the series. Partially due to her 'late party member' status. #'She's abrasive and mean' - 'she's a picky eater' - 'she's a catgirl who acts like an asshole cat ' YES and that is the point! #Everyone in dungeon meshi is traumatized and messy about it but izutsumi is just less polite in how she tries to cope. #Izutsumi is a extremely traumatized teenager who has utterly lacked autonomy her entire life. #She is the epitome of a “If I can just have X thing then all my problems will be solved!” character. And the X is 'Freedom'. #Her epilogue was one of the best and wrapped up her character so wonderfully (WARNING: I WILL NOW SPOIL PART OF THE ENDING) #Because she finally gets her freedom! She can go where she wants to and she doesn't need anybody! Yet...it doesn't fix her. #She is so focused on doing only what she wants that she forgets her own needs. Sometimes you have to eat the things you don't want. #And sometimes you have to face the hard truths that you need more than just one thing to make you happy. #Life is not all about only seeking pleasures and avoiding pain. You need to be balanced in order to grow. #Eat your vegetables (including the metaphorical ones: I am eating more art veggies this year by doing art studies!!!)

[sircolinmorgan]

Sir, don't. Show them who you are. This is who I am. No, it never has been. We hold the line, if you cross it now then there's no way back.

#this show is just 9 series of fred telling morse exactly who he is and morse refusing to accept it until it's too late #he has this unwavering misguided faith in fred and tries *so* hard to keep him on the right side of the line #but when he doesn't have morse around him fred crosses that line and we end up with 'i know thee not old man' #this show man #these characters #endeavour #itv endeavour #endeavour itv #endeavour morse #fred thursday #shaun evans #roger allam #my gifs #endeavour1

[significant-ace-nnoyance]

annabeth "my grand plan is that i will be remembered/and someday soon someone will notice me" chase

vs

percy "i swear i swear that im a good kid. all i need is one last chance to prove im good enough for someone" jackson

#the way both songs are about their overall issues and their fatal flaws and their traumas on TOP of also paralleling each other im- #percy only seeing himself as worthy and valuable if hes useful to someone else #annabeth only seeing herself as worthy and valuable if she leaves a legacy to be remembered above all others #but also both of them just wanting to be seen #percy genuinely is a good kid who tries so hard but bc of fundamental institutional issues (neurodivergence / son of poseidon /etc.) #no one besides sally really sees him #and annabeth has been invisible and forgettable to so many people in her life (her mom / dad / stepmom+siblings / athena / thalia / luke) #she has no friends and family who really understand all of her and appreciate ALL of her #enough to stay #enough to not leave her behind once she doesn't serve them anymore #once she doesn't fit into their narrative #EXCEPT FOR PERCY MOTHERFUCKING JACKSON #THEY BOTH WANT TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR SOMEONE TO NOTICE THEM AND TO STICK WITH THEM EVEN WHEN IT GETS HARD #AND THEIR IDEAS OF WHAT CONSTITUTES 'GOOD ENOUGH' RESULT FROM THEIR FATAL FLAWS AND THEIR WORLDVIEWS AND UPBRINGINGS #AND NOW THEYVE FOUND EACH OTHER AND THEY HAVE A SOULMATE WHO WILL LITERALLY NEVER GIVE UP ON THEM #im losing my mind #percy jackson #annabeth chase #percy jackon and the olympians #percabeth #pjo #percy series #pjo <3 #pjo musical #the lightning thief #the lightning theif musical

[twinstxrs]

in light of recent canon academic conversations, riz adaine gorgug study sessions have never been more real to me. gorgug helps riz + adaine get out of their own heads when they’re overworking themselves, riz + adaine help gorgug with alternative studying methods because he learns best through visuals + experience. fabian’s there occasionally when he has a particularly difficult assignment/test but he makes them all swear never to speak of it in order to protect his “image.” kristen has shown up exactly twice: once for advice on a group project that was two months overdue & once to just lay on the floor and relax for an hour before leaving. fig didn’t know the study sessions were happening until sophomore year & now keeps getting monthly bans because every time she shows up she ends up accidentally distracting riz + adaine. also, sometimes after/in the middle of really long study sessions riz adaine & gorgug go to basrar’s together to unwind but fabian kristen & fig Are Not Invited (they do still text to ask if anyone wants something brought back from basrar’s. they’re not heartless, after all).

#anyways that’s the post. study trio u r real in my heart #fantasy high #dimension 20 #fhjy #gorgug thistlespring #adaine abernant #riz gukgak #fabian seacaster #kristen applebees #fig faeth #the bad kids #riz adaine gorgug trio who actually care about academics u r so dear to me. only bad kids who regularly do homework #adaine & riz both ‘ditch’ but adaine asks for her coursework beforehand + riz is usually getting rogue extra credit for sneaking out #gorgug has never ditched school in his life except for Urgent World Saving. he was doing his hw on the sig figs tour bus <3 #i’m convinced fabian also cares to a degree but not enough to genuinely try hard. except out of spite. hence the study session visits #fabian both regularly cheats on homework & thinks getting a hard assignment & not doing well is ‘losing’ #kristen has probs had a gradual academic falloff through high school due to just the amount of stuff that happened in her life. #like who has the mental energy to care about school when Literally Everything Else was going on… me too kristen me too #i think middle school fig didn’t care about school but still showed up + tried but immediately stopped giving a shit once her horns came in #& so here we are… anyways bad kids i love you

[habeascorpseus]

"just dont lose yourself, okay?"

"i cant. i've tried to."

"Don't forget to enjoy this, today. Cuz if you lose yourself in trying to hurt the people who took it, you might....just don't forget the good stuff, okay?"

"i cant. i've tried."

godddd cellbits recurring motif of "i cant. ive tried." whenever someone tells him not to lose himself, both the bad and the good is so.. the implication of a perpetual fruitless spiral of turning man to monster and monster to man, and failing at both because loves too deeply and instinct is ingrained into him deeper than the carvings in his knife. he cant fucking stand himself. he can't stand how he can't be normal and has to rely on drinking copius amounts of coffee to stay awake enough to not lose it. he can't stand how even in the depths of his desire for vengeance, he hears the pain in his loved ones' voices and still stops to listen. these two parts of him have to be incongruous, because he knows he was happier when he was one without the other. and yet, time and time again the people who care about him tell him not to lose himself like they view him as whole. and again and again, he tells them that he can't. because he's tried to break himself in half and it doesnt fucking work like that. and he'll continue until he destroys himself because hes fucking Tired of being whole.

#habeas speaks #qsmp #qsmp liveblog #qsmp cellbit #qsmp charlie slimecicle #qsmp badboyhalo #idk im just deeply interested in like. this character who. dont get me wrong. IS AWFUL but who put in effort to become better #and it didnt Fix Him. #but he was so good at acting like he'd been fixed that people forgot domesticated dogs still bite when poked too hard with sticks #and its not like he was manipulating them either he genuinely Wanted to move forward and be normal for his son and his family #but then his family was taken from him time and time again and he was humiliated and backed into a corner #and all of a sudden the teeth come out and he makes the choice to keep them out but now has to deal with everyone being shocked he has teeth #who wish he didnt but dont understand he tried to forget too #the incongruous image they have of him in their heads of man turned monster when hes always seen himself as monster turned man #who was always just a monster and learned to use a human face

[nateezfics]

he looks so vampy in these photos;; i’m so in love

#looks like a vampire from those early 2000’s vampire movies #y’all know what i’m talking about #hongjoong my gothic vampire lover boy <3 #au in which hongjoong is a very old — like centuries old — vampire that enjoys fine art #and owns his exhibit//gallery that hosts the most prestigious pieces #vampire and human alike go to visit it #he’s an artist himself and has a tendency to become infatuated with humans #has many human muses who end up being his temporary lovers #he’s not set out on killing people but a majority of the time his human lovers do not survive #stops engaging with humans for a while before meeting you #you come into his gallery and ofc he’s immediately infatuated #and in the end he finds more than just a muse in you #but true love #but poor guy is too scared you’ll end up like his past lovers…so he tries so hard to stay away #but duh ofc it doesn’t work out he’s hooked on you <333 #you stay with him in his old gothic victorian style mansion #and the sex omfg #vampire hongjoong = the best lover #hongjoong smut #hongjoong hard thoughts #joongie #☕️

[agardenofideas]

i hope sunny gets a villain arc if tubbo wont get one fully

like i need her to lash out at every single adult around her for not carring for her pa or her (looking at phil who offered to care for pomme and dapper when he wouldnt for sunny on tubbos Confirmed death), for no one taking her pa seriously, for taking things from them, from her pa until there was nothing left of him.

i need her to lash out at the adults for never seeing her pa hurting and thinking it wasnt serious, i need her to lash out in peoples faces how she had said they were worried for her pa and the adults just said hes like that or he'll get better and he didn't

i want her to lash out and reveal that tubbo said to her he felt more seen and cared about by a fed worker who was learning to have emotions than from any islander around

i want her to burn things, even if not a house and just a wood she placed down to set fire, i want her to do that, i want her to blow things up and lash out and be heard

cuz if being a good girl for her pa ends with them unheard and him dead then she will be heard now and once this thing called Creation gets her pa back to her, she is not letting him go

if any of the adults who didnt do anything to get him back cared for him in life and cared just a bit in death, they dont deserve to see her pa back again, he is sunny's and sunny's alone

i want sunny to spew vitrol and fire and to lash out at everyone, she deserves to go on a murderous rampage too as a treat

#qsmp sunny #tubbo #mostly as a mention #qsmp #look- she went through a lot #being from purgatory #isolated from most eggs and the ones she did meet most rejected her (ik tallulah said give more time- but as an ND myself- rejection) #it feels like rejection- anyways- #she tried so hard to make friends or get along and any time she did it just- failed so bad #sure chayanne and ramon like her lots and such and she has em and pepi- but- #out of all the eggs she could meet who were new to her- only 2 she knew liked her- out of 6 eggs only 2 #(that she knew and it took a while to know too- as well as later meet more eggs that would like her too-) #and then her dad is on a depression spiral #and then he is taken from her against his will and on their final day before hes gone they get attacked #and then hes gone for *days* #he comes back and hes worse #no one takes this hurting seriously even when she reached out for fit but he just brushed it off or made light- #and then forever kidnapps the eggs to work and then dapper is taken and no one knows where #her dad gets a bit better btu then hes back to being bad #people keep messing with him too #and it just hurts in ways ya know #and then they are taken to prison #oh yea- and she had her mom as a corpse in her front yard basically #anyways- prison she finally meets her other dad after months of being on quesadilla #everyone presses button and then are in a library and the eggs are just on the prone bodies of their parents #(tubbo died in same position that he sleeps in) #(sunny deffinetly curled up in his dead arms as she did when he sleeps. hes just sleeping. please shes just sleeping and this is a dream) #i want her to finally go ape shit #she would still be kind but she would have no mercy or simpathy to give anymore #no one will trample on them anymore

[bagofdo-ritos]

Arab Jonathan Sims will forever be my favorite jon headcanon out there.

despite popular belief, i think jon would be more of a “baba” person than a “habibi” person and anyone that’s spent a single day with Jonathan sims would hear his routinely exasperated sighs and “ya baba, how many times do i have to tell you-“ “ya baba, slow down-“ “ya baba-“ “ya ba-“

#he’s tried so hard to explain why he calls everyone dad #no mahtin it’s not weird it’s just something everyone says #no tim i’m not calling you daddy #sasha gets him tho i think she’s the only one who has actual knowledge of other cultures #she still jokingly calls him her child #the magnus archives #tma #jonathan sims #jon sims #martin blackwood #tim stoker #sasha james #tma headcanons #jon sims headcanons

[phosphophylight-of-my-life]

oshi no ko aqua is such a fun character bc by most counts he's a more than decent guy.

in his first life he regularly visited hospital inpatients who had no visitors. he was genuinely happy and excited to help Ai deliver her babies, because he wants her to be happy on her own terms. he saves Akane simply because he can, and gets angry at the staff on her behalf. he doesn't stop at saving her life and spends sleepless nights turning around her public image. at that point there was nothing in it for him to keep akane around, she was just a person he was able to help and wanted to help.

by most counts he's a pretty decent guy who steps up when people need him most, except. except he's also a guy who really wants to kill his dad and that makes him manipulate people somewhat often and this is somehow not entirely at odds with his instinct to help others

#oshi no ko #like he's a doctor i can rly respect yknow #except for the patricide thing #gorou said do no harm unless it's my dad #also the way that gorou regularly visit patients is something SARINA has to tell the audience and not gorou #bc to gorou is nothing worth mentioning #for quite a while i was like man gorou is kind of sleazy for only visiting sarina esp when she's so young and vulnerable #but he visits the others also... sarina was just the most special patient to him because she introduced him to ai and also #because she was a kid whose parents never showed up #also SPOILERS FOR LIKE CH90+ OR SMTHING BELOW #the way aqua doesnt let akane dirty her hands like ok aqua we get it you want the best for everyone who isnt your dad #wipes tear someone get him therapy hes a decent guy who's ruining his life #also the way he is conscious of how he's playing w akane's feelings and tries very hard to be honest with her and to do her right #like sigh okay aqua i GUESS i cant hate you #and that one ghosting kana arc where i wanted to beat him up and then he was like i dont want to drag kana into this & he looked terrified #like SIGH. OKAY. FINE AQUA i cant hate you after all #like apart from the patricide (which is big know) the biggest downside to his personality is how cold he is #he pushes ppl away all the time and is just borderline rude #but like idk i feel like thats a byproduct of his 'i plan to go to jail for patricide and dont want to drag others down' mindset #which is like... well. you can't hate him for that.. he's looking out for others in his own way

[lesovyart]

im so obsessed w them that I made fanart AND my own playlist

#気になってる人が男じゃなかった #the guy she wasn't interested in wasn't a guy at all #gays bonding over 90s grunge and dad rock #no like u don't understand I'm a wlw who was raised on rock and blues since as far back as I can remember #reading this manga has been SO en #SO enjoyable #I can't believe I didn't get into it sooner!!!!! And I love the NOFX Green used all through the series omg #Also re the fanmix #I know Aya and Mitsuki are super into 90's grunge and hard rock specifically #but I added in some diff stuff from betwee #Also I tried to the playlist follow the chronology of the story and might continue to add to it/edit 🤔 #Anyway I'm really interested in the way both charas relate to music? I feel like they both see music as a place for enjoyment and discovery #but Aya is quite aware of and #secure in her emotions so uses music as an outlet for them: a way to arrange and communicate how she already knows how she's feeling #while Mitsuki seems more to use music as a way to actually understand both the world around her #but also herself... I love them both so muc #god my tags are horrific but writing tags on the tumblr app is literal hell #aya oosawa #mitsuki koga