#who really had NOTHING

[inkskinned]

it is all love.

sometimes you will see something saying what if it is all worth it or it gets better, doesn't it and in the little heart of you - you feel a darkness.

was it love, the way i was hurt? some things don't have a lesson in them. no silver lining. they were bad things, and they shouldn't have happened. i'm sorry they did. i am sorry they warp the space they hold in you. we tightrope walk around an ever-present grave. we carry that ache for so long it becomes smooth, overworn. i worry that i'll bore my therapist - despite all of my attempts, the pain persists the same, as sharp as it always was.

but it was all love.

every ugly moment after. every bad night. every time you drank too much and cried on the bathroom floor. every time you threw up from anxiety, every time you panicked in the grocery store. everything you ruined, and everything you walked away from.

some small part of you loved you enough. made you get up. made you wash your face and clean your teeth and call home. made you try again, even from the bottom. even when you were so tired of it; of restarting, of having to do-it-all-again. some part of you reached out. some part of you reached up. even there, in the bad spot - you somehow got up.

love will so rarely be big. it will so rarely be a moment like a dawn. love is shy, i think. she keeps her hands in front of her cheeks. she waits to peek out. and if you're not looking, she will look - normal.

but it will all be love. the way you pour yourself a glass of water. the little rabbit outside your window. your friend pushing your hair behind your ear. the way your dog greets you at the door. "put on a seatbelt". "text me when you get home safe". "oh, i started watching that show you love." "have you been okay?" "let's go for a walk" "whatcha doin?" "what should i make for dinner?"

oh, my life is so different these days. i don't have a partner. i call my friends a lot. i keep falling in love with the little tender moments; the glittering ones. you know, the bird in a puddle and the shush of a newly-lit candle. the movie-moments.

i am also learning to love the ugly. every moment i spent belly-flat to the floor, anxious and panting. every hour i stared at nothing, losing time to my adhd. every missed opportunity and bad memory. i am not doing well. i am spiralling.

but somewhere in there, while i am reduced to ashes. some part of me is an ever-burning ember. her little thankless job, her shy and croaking voice. she holds me to my body. she doesn't let me go. stay, she whispers. out of love. my love. wherever it goes.

some of the bad things that happened to me will always be bad. they did not make me a better person. they made me worse. i only learned what i can endure. and i did endure it. and love wasn't just the perfumed moments. love was just ... staying. while it's ugly and hard and horrible. love was just saying:

okay. i will keep trying. keep going. i owe it to the version of myself who brought me here. i owe it to my future. i owe it to the small loves i have found since - the music and the new recipes and the new books and the new hobbies. i owe it to myself to wait for the next best thing. this wall we have hit - love says keep walking. maybe one day we will find a door.

always, always: just one try more.

#spilled ink #poetry #warm up #does this make sense #like i think it's like.... #sometimes loving urself isn't being like ''i love myself'' #but instead. .. #''i am here. and im keeping myself here.'' #and i kind of feel like #i owe it to the past version of myself #who has tried SO hard #who loved me SO hard she kept going #so i can keep going for HER #who was so much closer to the Bad Things #who really had NOTHING #... if she made it #if I MADE IT #out of that #i can love a future version of myself loud enough #that i stay for HER #and for who we will be #someday! eventually!

[theshadowrealmitself]

I like to think that Vulcans who come to understand that Humans just can’t try to process emotions the same way as them, it’s just healthiest to let it out in harmless ways, decide that venting and stuff should be taken just as seriously as Vulcan’s meditation time, and will encourage the Humans around them to complain about what’s upsetting them

People who are used to aloof Vulcans who avoid Humans at all cost running into one comforting a Human

“-and then they said my cheesecake was subpar, and they didn’t even bring a dish!!!”

“The purpose of this event was that every participant brings a food item of sorts, correct?”

“Yeah!!”

“And they did not follow this rule while insulting dishes that were brought?”

“Mostly just my dish but yeah >:(“

“How illogical”

“That’s what I’m saying!!!”

#star trek #Vulcans #Humans #not based on a specific thing #but I used to know this annoying couple that were ‘family friends’ #who would show up to potluck dinners and the like and would either bring nothing or bring something really just. out of left field? #like a bag of frozen chicken to a bbq #and then proceed to make sure they are first even if it was stated to let kids go first #would take HUGE amounts before anyone else got a chance to get a plate #and then make off with the leftovers again even if they were already claimed for #and it wasn’t a food insecurity thing trust me I would never speak bad about a person getting food if that was even a remote chance #the adults who raised us knew them really well and we’d been to their house a ton of times #they were just dicks #and yeah. they’d occasionally insult the food. while eating the MAJORITY of it. #it was so weird at their home they would go out of their way to get the healthiest options possible #you know the really bland tasteless expensive stuff that apparently was healthier #but then if they were visiting our house they would. eat all our unhealthy snacks. #that always pissed me off so much as a kid because we actually had a food insecurity thing going on #and also a variety of other reasons that are a bit too depressing to bring up on this post #but anyways we’d hardly ever get to have nice snacks #and this couple would just take them all??? even after we’d tell them repeatedly that it was ours and those snacks weren’t gonna be #replaced #hated that couple #if you’re wondering why they were ‘family friends’ it’s because the couple who raised us #(it feels weird to type it out like that but apparently legal guardians doesn’t fit since they never finished petitioning 💀) #liked having them around because it made them look like ‘such great Christian’s’ being nice to the people #that no one else wanted to be friends with #I always thought that was a really weird and fucked up reason to be friends with someone #this got long sorry 😭

[theoldkyokodied]

Uploading all my Tomgreg art at once from the past few week before season 4 hits, who knows in what kind of mental state i'm gonna be once it does :')

#tomgreg #succession #dont even talk to me i started watching this show when i had nothing to do at work and now i watch it with averiel my good friend averiel #and we are going to watch s4 together and i feel physically ill from bein so excited #so ya thats what ive been up to... anyway. i love these idiots they desever nothing but the worst (affectionate) #im also a tomshiv lover btw. im the one who yells 'THIS IS HOW TOMSHIV CAN STILL WIN' while they are actively losing on screen #thats the kind of person i am #dont look at me (lying on the floor) #okay i was not going to say stuff in the tags and let the art speak for itself but i NEED to point out details in the wine Painting.. #i put a lot of work into that one. thinly veiled metaphors and symbolism yknow.. #greg is gripping the stem of the wine glass with his full fist. tom and greg are dressed in the same outfit (sock garters included) #greg look appalled but he is not doing anything about the spill. tom is fondly pouring greg more and more wine. he is doing him a favor #i colored the red wine the same way i would color blood :) oh and tom is not really touching greg #only holding the chair in place. greg is making himself look smaller than he is like usual #oh and @ the person who said that it's the inverse of the tom and nate scene i love the way you think. i did not think of that before #but god. yeah. i actually thought about the scene change from when roman uhh.. christens his office in s1. the one with the coffee machine #i always go insane at that cut. this is not exactly the same since it's more.. about emotions but yknow.. it can be.. the same...

[minhosblr]

T.leeknowsaurus first insta live aka. Minho not being satisfied with instagram's filters for 18 minutes straight

#bystay #createskz #linosource #stray kids #lee know #*m.gif #*minho #analook #kpopccc #malegroupsnet #stays kept telling him stuff would happen if he did thumbs up and he called them scammers when nothing happened #someone asked him why he touched jeongin's whole face during s-class and he was like “why? can't I touch what is mine? Is there a problem?” #he also said he had his hair cut really short for their break and the stylists told him not to cut his hair anymore and he debated #on ignoring them and doing it anyway #the pain it brings me to know he wants short hair when i'm a loyal long-haired minho stan :( #he also couldn't figure out how to see the comments cause the comments only showed who followed him lol #he said the filters were boring and pretended to end the live because of it #there was a cat filter but it was a wineglass and not a cat and he wasn't satisfied #stays were annoying and told him not to do filters as always stays let him have his fun!! >:(

[winterprince601]

no one:

literally not a single person in castle black:

sam and jon, within hours of knowing each other: here is my tragic backstory. oh my god our tragic backstories are narrative parallels. are we best friends? i think yes.

#no nothing it's just the way they both felt like outsiders in their noble homes #it's the way they felt like the only shame of a noble man #how they had one parent who loved them but couldn't save them from a second driving them out #how they pretended the night's watch was their choice but really #they had no choice #ugh #asoiaf shitpost #a song of ice and fire #asoiaf #a song of ice and feels #the night's watch #samwell tarly #sam tarly #jon snow #asoiaf meta #the wall

[taxinealkaloids]

harrianthe + sewing (variations on a theme)

#tlt #my art #you sew a girl's lips shut she sews you a dress...reciprocity is so important in relationships <3 #ianthe when harrow pulls out her quote unquote enormous needles: haha so do you just carry those around with you 😳 #no but for real imagine being ianthe at the end of gtn and you're on God's shuttle and it's just you and this nun who you don't really know #but who you're maybe into #and then she comes over and apropos of nothing is like 'alright i want you to lobotomize me #but first you'll have to let me sew your lips shut.' #and this is the most consecutive words this girl has ever said to you. #like yeah how DO you deal with that sort of cognitive whiplash? i feel like #ianthe's snap decision to marry her was as valid as any other reaction one might have had. #also i went so hard on drawing ianthe's room in the first one for literally no reason. #me detailing swans to tastefully obscure cyrus's junk in a background portrait i plan to blur beyond recognition anyway: i may be #overdoing this.

[laurasbailey]

beauregard lionett was rarely wrong when it actually counted and was often many steps ahead of everyone else intellectually and she still does not get enough recognition for that idc what anyone says

#c2 rewatch #people really hyperfocused on that frat boy energy and nothing else #and she left the fuckboy behaviour behind SO EARLY #idc who had the highest int stat she was the smartest person in that group lmao #she had book smarts and street smarts AND she could kill you with a punch.......... okay dream girl

[mewtwo24]

Not to be That Guy but like.

Am I the only one that can't stop thinking about how Tianlang-Jun says about Luo Binghe that he pretends to be cold-hearted like his mother. The hint of fondness there, the heartache in that utterance.

Like it drives me absolutely insane. Imagining her putting on a front of strength, cold and driven and unrelenting. Why does TLJ say that about her. Did she secretly look for solutions that meant reconciling with demons instead of hurting them when her sect wasn't looking? (I wonder this because I feel like his weird fondness for SQQ would lowkey track if it's connected to the woman he once loved.) Did he mean that she was tasked with basically assassinating him and she fell in love with him instead (re: failed step one)? Did he mean that she was fond and doting in her own way (e.g. conceding he was attractive, paying for his exploits and humoring him)? Did he mean that, like LBH, she thought that power would be the thing to protect her--and that it was disguising a person who was deeply and privately wounded? All four????? I don't need sleep I need a n s w e r s

Did she know about the Huanhua Palace Master's skeevy ass intentions before she met TLJ? Or did those only come to significant light after she fell in love with TLJ? Is that why she never anticipated that level of betrayal, because initially she had no intention of being with anyone romantically? And HHPM just assumed she would be under his thumb forever?? Was she furious at her own indiscretion or did she try to use the pregnancy as a bargaining chip, a way to try to stop the immortals of Cang Qiong Mountain from attacking TLJ (plus the bonus of marriage entrapment no takesies backsies this is where LBH gets it from)? Did she try to use that claim on her to dissuade HHPM from his covetous advances, framing herself as tainted so that she could finally escape? Did she dream of a life by TLJ's side, far away from Cang Qiong Mountain?

Like. Literally every single permutation of what this could mean guts me to hell. Do you ever just cry about tianxi because I--[loud bawling noises]

#svsss #tianxi #tianlang jun #su xiyan #like this shit keeps me awake at night #i'm trying to put fic ideas together and every time i go back to that line i just #find myself trying to parse and hone out su xiyan's mannerisms/personality #zzl's descriptions help a great deal but i also love that they're limited in the sense that #1. zzl was clearly scared shitless of/disconcerted with her LMFAO #2. he was suspicious of her (as a cultivator fundamentally) and its fascinating that TLJ did not seem to share this suspicion at all #or one could argue tlj just didn't care beyond his attraction and glee being around her jkahglfdskjhsfkhjg #there is also the hilarious implication that part of what turned tlj on so much about sx is the fact that she could prbly kill him #tlj really said 'i love a woman who can and WILL kick my ass' #'none of that soft power seduction shit manhandle me or nothing' #like he always believed deep down--or at the very least wanted to believe--that she loved both him and lbh dearly #i'm not usually the fix-it fic type but the Way I Need To See Su Xiyan Destroy Huanhua Palace Master's Entire Life. #i just want sx and her boytoy to live happily ever after is that so wrong? #i also think of that person (im so sorry tumblr user i dont rmr who u are at the minute) that said there had to be trust between tlj and sx #because YES. ABSOLUTELY. I AGREE. AND I WANT IT FOR ME #don't mind me just the usual descent into madness anytime i think too hard about svsss #i need to outline damn you airplane and your refusal to expand on LBH's juicy ass backstory #ill never forgive the chinese (joke)

[sualne]

let's go home

#the owl house #hunter toh #toh #toh season 2 finale #golden guards toh #my art #my comic #love characters who arent their first self. when theyre just the newest cadaver to an ever growing pile. #about how maybe youre not really a person. how theres nothing you can do. how none of it matter yet all of it does #surrounded by all those that came before ect ect amazing tropes want to see more of them #finally got to draw this. i had the idea way back when watching the finale. couldnt stop thinking about how /he's/ the one to open the door #and all that it means

[utilitycaster]

I must admit that despite my typical hesitation to make direct comparisons from fantasy d&d worlds to modern politics the best analogy I can find for the people joining the Ruby Vanguard is the modern (20th century to present) support of right-wing populism. I think many of the people who follow those leaders do have legitimate concerns and needs that aren't being met; I think the frustration and disillusionment is very real; but also they are latching onto an extremely powerful guy who is using them, isn't actually helping them, and to follow him requires a willingness, bordering on eagerness, to fuck over your neighbors. And in the end he's not here to help you, he's just bringing in a force of psionics who will mind-control anyone who dissents. The only rather cold comfort is that they'll probably kill him first.

#i also think a factor is that we haven't had a character like the schuesters as a PC #just a religious person who gets nothing from it; Molly is really the sole example and we didn't dig into it #like... it's actually not terribly common as I understand for people to expect something in exchange for worship #certainly not a single general prayer the way our current PCs seem to expect #critical role

[shortnotsweet]

In a Week by Hozier ft. Karen Cowley

“The raven is death, obviously. When I die, I want a good tombstone—something right spooky. LT’s got something against the underground, though you’d think that would be just his kind of place. That’s alright. He needs to, he can cremate me. It’s not exactly Catholic, and Mam would turn in her grave, but God is a unicorn and no one is pure anymore, so. What’s all that got to do with me?”

Johnny “Soap” McTavish has a journal. Had. It is his no longer.

Simon “Ghost” Riley had dreams—awful ones, the kind that sank claws into his lungs, dragged him into sleep, and then sent him careening out of it. He still has dreams, but they’re different, now. Better. Johnny’s pages have folded themselves under his eyes and gotten into his head, brighter and more infectious than anything else has ever been. It’s more than the past, that rotting carcass behind him, and more than now. Now is nothing. Now is ash. It’s like, it’s like—blinding, is what it is. He’s a blind man.

It is biblical now. Ghost has read it backward and forward and sideways and inside out. When he runs out of things to read, he reads them again, and when that is not enough, he reads between the lines.

#ghostsoap #simon ghost riley #john soap mactavish #soapghost #soap x ghost #ghoap #call of duty #cod mw3 #my art #ghost is obsessed with soaps journal bc it breaks his heart at first like really tears it apart but soon focuses on what soap has written #about him. words of admiration and envy and love and fondness. real fondness. jokes made for him thoughts about him musings etc. #and johnnys snippets about his family and how he wants to settle down eventually #then all simon can think about is what life they could’ve lived together after the ‘war’ #nevermind that there will always be war be death be blood and love is there and it matters but it changes nothing #for simon there will always be johnny #who even knows if thats what soap wanted if he loved him back if ghost even remembers him as he was instead of what he wishes he could have #become to ghost if things had gone as they should. who knows. the dead dont sing dont speak. all thats left is what they wrote #the cigarettes refer to soaps smoking habit and how ghost disapproves like a nagging wife. the ash smudges and burns in the paper allude to #ghost deciding to have soap cremated as a spouse decides post mortem due to his own aversion to being underground bc he doesn’t want soap #to be nothing but a decomposing body. he couldn’t bear that. he couldn’t bury him alive or dead so burning it is

[hallowclave]

She para on my humans till I [GRUESOME SOUNDS OF BUG FUELED VIOLENCE]

Redraw of a skitter design I did a little over a year ago, comparison under the read more

And the sketch. As a little treat. Just for you.

#taylor Herbert #parahumans #parahumans worm #worm #my art #I’m sorry it’s so dark her hair being black and her suit also being black is so irritating to me #eyes changed to red to mimic a fly. face mask had a minor change to mimic the head of an ant better #antennae got a little extra prong to mimic ant pincers and also bc hollow knight fan #boots got a steel toe for maximum violence potential #suit padding was actually referenced off of motorcycle armor instead of just winging it #no skirt or belt because I don’t think the former looked good and I didn’t want to draw the latter #even if it’s not canonically accurate she needs some form of armor. Taylor your vital organs. they’re in danger. #iirc she DID put knee pads and stuff on when she first started out. and yet she refuses to wear a helmet. inevitable TBI moment. #in terms of general art stuff the posing looks so much better. look who learned about contrapposto. #and improved (a little) at anatomy. not really on costume design but we’re taking baby steps. #I’d like to thank the wormblr fans for recirculating the og post every three months or so for getting me out of my art block #nothing will make you draw faster than seeing your old art go around. #i promise I’ll finish worm one day 🫡 #end of patch notes/ted talk/etc

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Courtroom Catastrophe [Bonus Comic]

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #lan wangji #xiao xingchen #xue yang #nie mingjue #jin guangyao #jin guangshan #Man…something about wwx thinking how he would have liked to have become friends with xxc really got to me #they both tried to do good but were met by terrible fates because of politics #what an awful fate for them both…courtroom dread as no one believes you. Rigged game. #I sure hope this Xue Meng guy isnt full of petty energy and leaves xxc along after this! #its meng yao/JGY’s first official appearance! Shout out to the person who caught on that even with his hat he had no hair! #he’s got a little headscarf. Like a grandma…mamie yao #in case people were wondering about JGS’s outfit; there’s only a front flap #nothing in the back #you hate to see him but you hate watching him leave even more #Thank god he's been dead for several slutty slutty years

[fossilizedhysterics]

guess who finished tlok tonight and immediately had this come to him in a vision!!!!

#i. really like tlok. like a lot #i understand why people dont like it #and i can accept that OBJECTIVELY its not that great #but i had a fantastic time with it #anyways yeah. gay people #tbh. would not call zhu li and varrick normal. most queer straight couple on the planet. #hes a gay man. shes a lesbian. theyre in love. do you get it. #i dont have that many thoughts abt wuko. i really really like it though. #wu is like the webkinz milk cat to me. i need to throw him against a wall really hard. #and of course. korrasami. what is there to even say there #one thing i will say is before watching it i TOTALLY thought asami was a fire bender and also evil #like i kept thinking “yep this is when she turns evil and then theres enemies to lovers” but nope #not a bender or evil and honestly im glad #she totally wouldve been justified in becoming evil though. i sure wouldve #love her.so much #korra too ofc #i have SO MANY more thoughts but im gonna run out of space #last thing i will say is i am a guy who will just always prefer media i can criticize #love atla. but theres nothing there for me to really sink my teeth into or like bitch about #i love it when media is KIND OF BAD and i can RANT ANGRILLY about it #the legend of korra #tlok #legend of korra #korrasami #wuko #zhurrick #korra #asami sato #mako tlok #prince wu

[inkskinned]

not to romanticize my mental issues but sometimes having adhd is very useful because today during a meeting that could have been an email i kept thinking about crabs wearing small tophats and having little dancing parties and how they'd sound in tap shoes.

and when my boss was like "raquel what do you think?"

i was like "well, i think the others have made good points about this, of course, and i'd be happy to circle around later on it, but i'd love to take a moment and resonate with this before offering my own suggestion. i want to hear what others think before anticipating the client's needs."

and then i went back to not listening but this time it was imagining snails that joust.

#me: hehe funny #the hatemail: you should be fired immediately the fact you are scum enough to NOT LISTEN #in a SINGLE MEETING #that was about a project you DONT WORK ON #means that you are EVIL and SUCKING UP TIME #like bro .... idk how to tell u this sometimes people be in meetings they don't need to be in #i only got asked to participate bc there's an element of the project that resembles #a piece i wrote a while back #and i know this element exists bc #we've already had a meeting where i told them what i did how i did it and what i suggest #so there's nothing else for me to add really #also im close with all the coworkers who are working on that element #and they just gchat me their questions #idk how to tell u this but someone zoning out in a single 30 minute meeting where they LITERALLY #don't work on that project ? #that's just fucking anti-capitalism baby #i was being a revolutionary

[essektheylyss]

The Critical Role team dunamantic diviners have spoken!

It is HOT BOI SUMMER 🌂

In honor of the occasion, have a poll, because why not really.

There are no direct quotes from the end of 97 and no 140/141 moments because we'd be here all goddamn day. Also, you can take this old uquiz I made like three years ago if you'd like. :3 And I do in fact want to hear other great Essek moments in the tags!

#critical role #essek thelyss #hot boi summer #I really don't care if you take the uquiz it is just there as a warning that I forget nothing. #I could get comprehensive if I had the poll space. #if it is not on the list it's cuz I deemed it lesser priority or An Outlier That Shouldn't Be Counted than what I did include. #for the record I don't remember my uquiz login so I have to take this to see what the breakdown is #and I just pick quickly on vibes #and never once have I gotten anything but 'my intentions were never good. they were important.' cuz I am who I am.