#who was so much closer to the Bad Things | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

inkskinned · 1 year

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it is all love.

sometimes you will see something saying what if it is all worth it or it gets better, doesn't it and in the little heart of you - you feel a darkness.

was it love, the way i was hurt? some things don't have a lesson in them. no silver lining. they were bad things, and they shouldn't have happened. i'm sorry they did. i am sorry they warp the space they hold in you. we tightrope walk around an ever-present grave. we carry that ache for so long it becomes smooth, overworn. i worry that i'll bore my therapist - despite all of my attempts, the pain persists the same, as sharp as it always was.

but it was all love.

every ugly moment after. every bad night. every time you drank too much and cried on the bathroom floor. every time you threw up from anxiety, every time you panicked in the grocery store. everything you ruined, and everything you walked away from.

some small part of you loved you enough. made you get up. made you wash your face and clean your teeth and call home. made you try again, even from the bottom. even when you were so tired of it; of restarting, of having to do-it-all-again. some part of you reached out. some part of you reached up. even there, in the bad spot - you somehow got up.

love will so rarely be big. it will so rarely be a moment like a dawn. love is shy, i think. she keeps her hands in front of her cheeks. she waits to peek out. and if you're not looking, she will look - normal.

but it will all be love. the way you pour yourself a glass of water. the little rabbit outside your window. your friend pushing your hair behind your ear. the way your dog greets you at the door. "put on a seatbelt". "text me when you get home safe". "oh, i started watching that show you love." "have you been okay?" "let's go for a walk" "whatcha doin?" "what should i make for dinner?"

oh, my life is so different these days. i don't have a partner. i call my friends a lot. i keep falling in love with the little tender moments; the glittering ones. you know, the bird in a puddle and the shush of a newly-lit candle. the movie-moments.

i am also learning to love the ugly. every moment i spent belly-flat to the floor, anxious and panting. every hour i stared at nothing, losing time to my adhd. every missed opportunity and bad memory. i am not doing well. i am spiralling.

but somewhere in there, while i am reduced to ashes. some part of me is an ever-burning ember. her little thankless job, her shy and croaking voice. she holds me to my body. she doesn't let me go. stay, she whispers. out of love. my love. wherever it goes.

some of the bad things that happened to me will always be bad. they did not make me a better person. they made me worse. i only learned what i can endure. and i did endure it. and love wasn't just the perfumed moments. love was just ... staying. while it's ugly and hard and horrible. love was just saying:

okay. i will keep trying. keep going. i owe it to the version of myself who brought me here. i owe it to my future. i owe it to the small loves i have found since - the music and the new recipes and the new books and the new hobbies. i owe it to myself to wait for the next best thing. this wall we have hit - love says keep walking. maybe one day we will find a door.

always, always: just one try more.

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daily-hanamura · 5 months

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#p4 #persona 4 #hanamura yosuke #yosuke hanamura #EVERYDAY IM HOWLING. EVERYDAY IM SCREAMING.#for context this comes at the heel of yosuke charging at mitsuo kubo in rage because of his flippance towards killing saki and he's hit har #but souji and kanji jump in to protect him #like ok a lot of things going on here such as the obvious OH MY GODDDD yosuke being yosuke and taking things on for himself #because he doesn't want to bother people?? because he's made it his own responsibility? because his survivor's guilt is still lingering?#i mean don't tell me he doesn't look at how he surrendered to his shadow like apart from his self-sacrificing propensity #i low key feel like everytime yosuke demands answers about saki's death from the murderer/god/etc there's this undertone of how #he would rather it have been him #he cheapens his own life so much and for what #BUT ALSO!! ALSO!! not just souji jumping in because we know he would he's down bad for yosuke BUT ALSO KANJI #listen you've all heard me talk so much about how i adore kanji yosuke friendships #i can't really tell whether it's kanji or souji that says “haven't we earned your trust yet” but it's a line that hits SO HARD #regardless of which one of them was saying it and i think it hits hard in slightly different manners #it's kanji's admiration and how he looks up to yosuke and how he wants to be closer to yosuke as a friend/kouhai/whatever you want #tatsumi “who's your partner now!” kanji has so much respect for yosuke he wants yosuke to rely on him too!!!#and this stands out because kanji is very conscious of social hierarchies and such but as a kouhai as yosuke's junior #he's so specific about wanting yosuke to treat him as an equal #i smtimes feel bad for kanji because he has a bit of that vibe of a poor puppy trailing after souyo because he wants to be in their convos!#he wants to be included! but critically he also just! wants them to SEE him!!#going a lil off tangent but i think kanji's attitude towards souji is very much one of kouhai respect like he understands his place #of like deferring to souji or getting advice from him and just generally regarding him as a reliable mentor #and it's the same with chie and yukiko? but idk man. with yosuke. guys. with yosuke i always feel like kanji wants to break that hierarchy #that convention. that social norm. to cross a line and be closer to yosuke.#he's more willing to tease yosuke in a way he doesn't with the other 2nd years. and this isn't coming from a place of disrespect either #AGAIN. KANJI REALLY LIKES YOSUKE. he wants to protect yosuke!!! he jumps at the opportunity for yosuke to rely on him!!#i'm getting delulu but there's those hints of “yosuke senpai i want you to see me as a man!!!” kind of energy here and i'm it's yknow hmm

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luck-of-the-drawings · 4 days

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"I think this is the most inhuman; and human, that I've ever felt.." MUCH CAN HAPPEN IN A YEAR. IN FIVE YEARS. A DECADE. imagine how much can happen in a century. just ONE (1). How will you grow? what phases do you find? even in 5 years, you will find patterns.

#jrwi fanart #jrwi show #jrwi suckening #jrwi suckening spoilers #jrwi the suckening #arthur bennett #HEY SO THE REALLY FUNNY THING THAT THE CHARACTER DID THAT SEEMED RLY SILLY N GOOFY IN THE MOMENT?#LIKE THE WHIPLASH BETWEEN SERIOUS N SILLY ALMOST PISSED YOU OFF? WHAT IF I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE YOU SAD ABOUT IT #this was meant to be a scribble that would be a bigger part of a bigger page.might leave it on that page.#but still. bc o that i nearly posted it onto my wacky side blog.BUT NAYY I SPENT TOO MUCH TIME N ENERGY N YOU GOTTA SEE IT #ARTHUR BENNETT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I FEEL LIKE ITS ODD FOR HIM TO BE SO TECHNOLOGICALLY OUT OF TOUCH #WHERE HAS HE BEEN. HAS HE BEEN IN WAR? IS THAT WHERE MAGNUS CAME FROM? WHERE WAS HE WHEN HE WAS WITH EDWARDS CREW?#ARTHURRR I HAVE QUESTIONS ARTTHUUURR!! HEY CAN I ALSO ASK; WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BECOME #DO YOU THINK HE HAD ANY IDEA HE WOULD VEER CLOSER AND CLOSER TO THE MONSTER HE DESPISES. ALL BC HE DESERVES IT. OR WATEVER #HE FASCINATES ME SO MUCH. TO LOOK AT THE STONE COLD STOIC FOOL FROM THE START OF THE SHOW #AND TO FIND OUT THAT HE USED TO BE A BAD BOY.. A DELINQUENT... A LIL PRANKSTER.... MY GODDD THATS ADORABLE #I WOULD LOVE TO KNOW MORE.... BUT I DOUBT THE LAST EPISODE IS GONNA ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS..i love arthur bennett so much....#AS FOR THE ART!! i mostly used the fire alpaca watercolor brush. tbh im not a brush guy. anti aliased default pen tends to be my main game #but LATELY IM SQQQUIRMIN OUT OF AN ARTBLOCK so expirimenting like this is helping #DONT LOOK TOO HARD AT IT!! im still proud tho. colors are fun :3 im also very proud of the backgrounds #I LOVE THE CARTOON THING where the background looks all fancy n painted but the characters are solid colors #what else can i ramble abt. OH YEAH. i looked up the bikes to make sure they were time accurate tehehehe. 1913 to 2012.#almost a century apart!! isnt that neat? ALSO FUUUCK CAN I JUST MAKE A QUICK CONFESSION. DOWN HERE IN MY TAGS.#only the strongest can read my tags anwyay. SO I REALIZED WHY I LOVE ARTHUR SO MUCH. TIME IS A FLAT CIRCLE #while arthur is a Stoic and Cool vampire w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORs #THERE HAPPENS TO BE A ROBOT FROM A BAND W A TITANIUM ALLOY SPINAL COLLUMN #WHOS A Stoic and Cool ROBOT w a knack for being playful/silly; who alsos been alive fora century thus witnessing HORRORS #the fuckkkiiinnngggnn The Spine from steam powered giraffe. WHATEVER. i cant escape from my heart. i guess.#i think The Spine and Arthur could be friends. Arthur saw the band perform back when they were the Steam Man Band #EDIT: WOOPS I DIDNT REALIZE THIS WOULD END UP IN THE SPG TAG. HI GUYS DIDNT KNOW U WERE STILL ALIVE SORREE 4 THE CROSS CONTAMINATION

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uncanny-tranny · 8 months

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I think another aspect of conservative thought people need to understand is the idea that it's all about dominance.

The reason why sayings like "we don't want to trans your kids, we want trans kids to live" is because, in the conservative mind, you are replacing their dominance with your own. It can never be about what is best for others, it is always about expressing absolute power and control.

Natural selection, at its ideal, will weed out the people who "shouldn't live." If their existence is a threat to the already-established hierarchy, then it's obvious that they shouldn't exist in order to challenge hierarchy.

While this certainly isn't a "conservative-only" mindset, it's a trend I have noticed more in conservative spaces. This is why I don't always think it's helpful to go on about how, "Oh, we don't want to threaten your worldview. We just want people to live 😊". You will fundamentally be threatening their power in their minds. Therefore, nothing you say can truly take away from the anxiety, fear, and anger at losing control that may be instilled.

#politics #transphobia #transphobia tw #used the whole 'we want trans kids to live' because i personally think it's a good example..#...but isn't the sole example of such...#...take for instance the gay marriage debates from the early 2010s...#...'if we legalize gay marriage it's ONE STEP CLOSER to them taking OVER america and legalizing [horrible thing]!'...#...that is the anxiety of Losing Control and Losing The Divine Hierarchical Power Bestowed To You Personally By Gd Himself...#...i'm not saying all of this to dissuade people from educating people. but i want people to be aware of this dynamic...#...and to decide if they can (or should) personally go up to bat for others to educate people...#...i don't think you will go very far if you try to educate people without understanding on SOME level how their thought process will be...#...because it is likely that you are educating somebody who is going to see the world VERY differently...#...and they will often interpret what you are saying VERY differently than how you intended it to be interpreted...#...again while this isn't solely a conservative issue (believe me i KNOW) i notice it much more in those spaces...#...and since i am in spaces that WANT to educate people about this i think it is apt...#...it isn't a bad thing to want to educate. but again it's not helpful to just assume others are going to interpret you the way you want...#...it's definitely why i stopped making so many posts about educating others. i just don't think i can do it well...#...or at least in a way that doesn't Feel Threatening (even if it Isn't A Threat)

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moeblob · 30 days

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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

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identityquest · 1 month

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lizzie get two wolves 👍

#strato.txt #oil painting #wip #im worried ive unbalanced the composition w the second one on the right tho... its so much closer to the edge #ugh whatever. aunt lizzie is the focus here #i wish i knew what she actually looked like this is just cobbled together from general features of my family #solid build... dark curly hair... bigass ears. she could be one of my cousins. she could be me #ok rq im gonna lay out the story in the tags for anyone who hasnt seen the previous lizzie art #my great-something aunt lizzie was disabled and couldnt walk very well and she died young #she wanted to see the second floor of the farm house real bad but no one ever carried her up there and she died before seeing it #they buried her in a long white dress somewhere down at the creek. we dont know where her graves lost unfortunately #the night she was buried something wearing a white dress walked into the house and up the stairs and disappeared #and sometimes you can hear her down around the creek screaming #somewhere along the line wolves got mixed into the imagery for me #my uncle told me a story about another 'white thing' that was wolfish and would jump on cars #so i just assumed lizzie was a werewolf my whole life #anyways. i think her staying after she died was a manifestation of her desire for autonomy. maybe #maybe if shed had modern accommodations she wouldnt have felt the need to stick around. or maybe she would have idk #either way i think death afforded her control over her own desires in a way she hadnt experienced before #and i think thats why she still hangs around the creek #i hope she would like this. maybe ill take it down there and leave it out for a night when its finished so she can see

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likesummerrainn · 5 months

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SurrealEstate 2x07 Gods and Monsters

"And just so you know, present company excluded, any poor schmuck can die. But to live? To truly live? Takes work."

#SurrealEstate #syfysource #syfyedit #my gifs #i feel like so much happened in this episode but i can't tell you what.#that's not a bad thing i just think this show is finally getting closer to the end where we have to start wrapping stuff up #BUT!!!!! NEW AGENT???????? I LIKE HER A LOT ALREADY!#ZOOEY THE ONLY ONE WHO SUSPECTS SOMETHING'S WRONG!!!#FATHER PHIL A REAL FATHER NOW???#AUGGIE BACKSTORY PIECE UNCOVERED!!!!!

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millipedish · 1 month

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I don't hate OG Gobo Fraggle because he's a jerk, per se, I hate that 90% of the time it slips by without notice and the person who he's being a jerk to and painted as being in the wrong. He's not a jerk for laughing at Red's umbrella idea to bring back the water; Red's a jerk for being a woman speaking out of turn. He's not a jerk for kicking Wembley out of his home for not being able to find a job; Wembley's a jerk for not having a job in the first place. That icks me so much. If his toxic traits are interrogated and explored as wrong, I would be so much more invested in this character. Season 1 bttr Gobo was a little too squeaky clean, and I'm really into seeing Gobo with some grime on him (and treated as such)

#fraggle rock #gobo fraggle #bridging the two series i have a headcanon that og Gobo gets a lot of his toxic traits from Uncle Matt #who in turn is a Less Bad version of Uncle Traveling Gobo #So these niblings are a series of men having slightly less toxic masculinity in each generation #og Gobo is a saint compared to Uncle Traveling Gobo lol #Gobo clearly idolized Uncle Matt but Matt is very much in the Wrong about many things #and when Gobo acknowledges that he gets closer to being his own man

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princeconsortroad · 5 months

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Whatever you do, don't think about how, in Alex, Henry has a safe person, an interested person, an amused person and a person he loves and who loves him back to rant about Byron's poetry to 🥺

#i have such bad brainrot about them tbh :(#like.#you can see how henry probably ranted to Arthur and Catherine about the poetry he fell in love with #and both genuinely listened bc they were fans too #but when Arthur died. . . Henry lost both people to do that with #bea tries. she listens she does! but she isn't that interested and she isn't as good as faking interest as she thinks #philip and his grandfather are no goes #and pez tries too. . . but it's just not his thing and henry hates to be humoured #so pez doesn't - in agreement with what henry wants #but then as henry gets closer to alex? he realises alex doesn't humour him. . . alex is genuinely interested #and lets him talk as long as he wants and as much as he wants #bc it makes henry happy #and alex loves making henry happy #and when henry is finished ranting? its alex's turn!#just. i love them okay?#and as someone who has no one to rant to about their hyperfixations #henry and alex - but mostly henry - having that person is very important to me #henry fox mountchristen windsor #alex claremont diaz #red white and royal blue #rwrb #red white and royal blue movie #rwrb movie #firstprince #mine.

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nezumeanie · 11 months

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☆ a s m o party night! *˚⁺‧. •̩̩͙*˚⁺‧.˚ *•̩̩͙ ✩. •̩̩͙*˚⁺‧. •̩̩͙*˚⁺‧. ˚ *•̩̩͙ ✩.

warnings: alcohol mention | drunk mc | a party scene, ofc (horrific!!!!!!) | but gn reader as always >_<)7 and maybe some typos i dunno

♡ you had never actually considered going to one of those “asmo parties”—spending so much of your time exhausted from devildom antics, swamped with language homework you couldn’t make sense of, and the overall overwhelm of your exchange, you just couldn’t find the time or energy to look into it. this particular asmo party, however, was going to celebrate his birthday making this asmo party even more asmo themed: everyone should wear as much pink as possible and glam themselves up as much as their pretty little bodies could handle. something about that made you feel giddy and annoyed at the same time, not really knowing whether or not it was a good idea to go.

♡ that night had been filled with an electricity you hadn’t been used to as well. unconsciously, you really wanted to impress asmo, and wanted to make sure you looked good in front of all the guests he loosely called his friends. maybe his sin was peppered in the air, you hoped people would look at you and know that you knew asmo in ways that they would never think to imagine, that you had seen him really cry or that you had even seen him with a bandaid over a pimple on his forehead (thought you hadn’t ever seen the actual pimple). that your proximity to him would incite anything in them: anger, jealousy, awe, admiration. maybe that feeling was new, maybe it wasn’t. the venue was dark with varying shades of pink and white neon lights, all sorts of beings were pressed together in a way on alcohol could make cozy, the sound of the music drummed deep in your chest making your own heartbeat unrecognizable. you wondered is this the right idea? since you would, undoubtedly, see asmo again in the morning at home and would wish him happy birthday then, instead of watching him turn over a new year at midnight tonight. he thought himself to be the whole world like this, it made you smile how strange he truly was.

♡ the only worry you had was whether or not you would get to see asmo at all! the air was hot and sticky, the people around were singing and yelling and laughing and all of their faces were unrecognizable to you. there’s no earthly way someone could have actually known this many people, but then you supposed asmo had thousands of years to make friends. or maybe he hadn’t. there was also a surprising amount of humans at this party which lifted your spirits slightly: there would be something other than demonus here tonight. worming your way through the crowd, you found the bar, the bartenders all wearing paper masks with asmo’s smiling face on them. definitely weird, definitely on brand. asking asmo number five for something from the human realm, they poured you something pink and shimmery and you downed it in haste. it definitely was not champagne. but you couldn’t ignore the warmth and…..and confidence it was giving you. you asked for another.

♡ the ‘countdown to asmo day’ was projected on a screen behind the dj, ten minutes and fifty-four seconds. how long had you been here? this whole thing suddenly feels really funny. you start to giggle with a sparkly drink in your hand. hey when did you order this drink? hehe. it tasted sooooo good though maybe someone gave it to you with a smile because you looked sooo pretty tonight? hehe. well, you knew better than to drink an open drink anyway. you blinked slowly and staggered backwards bumping bodies with someone, not uncommon. giggling again you turned to apologize. oh! you found him! asmo! he had a wide eyed expression. “what’re you doing here? and like this too?” he gracefully stole the glass from your hand and smiled. “you look gorgeous” he added. hehe asmo was always so forward wasn’t he? you could smell demonus on him, but you really couldn’t tell he had been drinking at all. and what sort of question was that? what other reason could there be to go to an asmo party? that made him laugh in a way that made you swoon in a way you normally wouldn’t allow. maybe he hadn’t noticed maybe he had. asmo told you he was flattered you came this time after many many months of asking you to attend one. wishing you two had walked in together to turn heads and gain gasps from his audience. somehow you were just sober enough to roll your eyes at such a statement, but unable to tell if it was bass or butterflies in your stomach.

♡ the ‘asmo day’ timer ticked on minutes went by that he stood and talked with you. you don’t remember when he had taken your hand in the conversation, whether to steady or you because he liked doing so you didn’t have the mind to wonder. your drink still in his hand like an accessory. anger burned in your chest inexplicably—why was he down here talking with you? shouldn’t he have been on stage taking in the excitement when the asmo-faced ball dropped down the miniature tower? you had been shouting over the music all night, so maybe your tone hadn’t changed when you said this. asmo kept on smiling at you, but his eyes softened. “i really wish i would’ve known you were here tonight.” he had leaned into your ear to say that. something in your chest burned again. what the hell is that supposed to mean? and shouldn’t he be up there hosting his party. he leaned in again. as much as this is an asmo party, the majority of it is mostly, he said to you, for show—the humans; the incubi; the demons; those sneaky, sneaky angels; they weren’t here for asmodeus, but for what he represents: unadulterated and limitless access to their deepest desires. asmo always found himself being incredulously honest with you, and here he was telling you that it wasn’t him they desired, but the desire itself kept them drawn to him. you blinked hard and he laughed. “unfortunately there’s no one else in the devildom who can host a party like i can, after attending an asmo party every other party will feel like a five year old’s birthday,” he spoke while waving that glass on the air, the glitter in it spun but not a drop sloshed out. “and besides, i’ve already gotten everything i wanted out of this party about ten minutes ago.” his smile morphed into a smaller, more intimate one. you couldn’t help but wonder if anyone else got smiles like this or if it was just for you. that shimmery drink hadn’t given you the confidence to ask him that.

♡ asmo was impressive, maybe you were truly seeing it for the first time. the atmosphere was both lighthearted and intense. all the bodies around found ways to flirt with each other, touch each other, give each other knowing looks before sneaking out of the crowds. you had even noticed a larger amount of eyes on you than usual and, without meaning to humble or self deprecating, you knew it was an effect of the party: the secret wants of someone bubbling beneath the surface of their everyday life was brought beneath asmo’s moonlight, unclothed, inspected, and accepted. encouraged, even. he looked over his unruly crowd with a pleasure of his own, something almost paternal in his eyes. you called to him again. the countdown had begun from thirty. when asmo turned to look at you, you noticed the way he looked at you. innocent. not that he thought of you in that sense, but that he hadn’t looked at you with the intention of eating you up. maybe it was that drink, but this really annoyed you. the crowd calling numbers annoyed you, the way people came and went touching asmo’s arms and shoulders and waist annoyed you, the fact that he felt like babysitting you in the crowd instead of putting on a show on stage annoyed you. also the way he trusted you with his secrets was starting to annoy you. half teetering, you leaned into his chest hoping to press your lips against his and to your bewilderment, he pulled away biting his own intensely. “you don’t understand it,” he panted “but i’ve really, really been holding back. because it’s you.” the look in his eyes where the ones you had been longing for. the countdown concluded in a series of cheers and applause, the crowd all pulling the ones nearest to them into lust filled kisses. only you and asmo stood staring at each other. the energy, the smell, his hand in yours, the look on his face…you leaned once again and said “did you really think you were the only one?”

#let me explain 1) i think most importantly i hate to write something that is out of character for (reader) but unfortunately i don’t know u #so…you know. but 2) i like to imagine that the closer asmo is to you the more he’s just friends with you the more he’s boring and serious #and wants to talk meaningfully with you (bc he seems to be close w satan who is no nonsense same for solomon) so i like the serious asmo who #likes to speak on the need for desire and than he must be incredibly nonjudgmental to be the lord over such a sin to not only hear #the potentially rotten disgusting horrible desires of someone *and* have the power to bring them to life for them (for a price ofc <3) as he #is a demon in his own rite. i also depicted this as a party but imagine asmo parties are much more depraved and that he oversees them with #an enormous smile but then maybe mc just really really really like bad boy types #but this is veryyyy different than what i usually write it’s much longer too but ive been thinking abt it for a while now..godspeed #things written #obey me! shall we date?#obey me #obey me asmo #obey me asmo x reader #obey me asmodeus #obm asmodeus #obey me x mc #obey me asmo fluff #obey me x reader #obey me fanfic #obey me fluff

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clarabowmp3 · 2 months

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omg also I have so much tea (?) to spill online cuz I can’t do it irl 😭😭😭

#okay SO #i have this long time friend from sec school #Like we’ve known each other 6+ years now and she’s rlly nice and fun #We were much closer abt 4-5 years back when we were in the same class #But other than that we were still kind of close cuz we stay like a block from each other + we shared a class all 4 years of sec school #So now that we’ve graduated from jc we went out etc and and it’s been so fun BUT #she met this guy on discord thru a server and they had/are still having some weird situationship thing #And at first I didn’t mind her telling me abt it etc but I mighttt be a lil tired of hearing abt it #I FEEL SO BAD she’s literally done nothing wrong but idk how to express how im feeling w/out seeming like im NOT 100% supportive of her yk #Like she also had a pick me phase (we were 14 when ELSE were we going to have that phase) and has always struggled a lil w emptions/affecti #Part of which has to do w her parents so also understandable #But I find myself feeling soooo annoyed now #Like recently she texted me that she texted him that she was taking a sm break which was true but now she misses him #And she was like omg I want to turn off my feelings 😭😭😭#It makes me feel JSNXKLDLS girllll what r u doing #grow a backbone??#Maybe it’s also cuz I totally don’t understand what she sees in that guy #Omg I could make a whole other post abt how MEDIOCRE he is jkskdn #but atp im starting to miss her pick me era 😭😭😭 and I feel SO BAD it’s smth I’ve had all my life #I will dislike ppl who I find annoying even when they literally did nothing and are living their best life #KILL ME #it’s okay I’m so normal abt this hehe

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skunkg1rll · 1 month

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i cant stop thinking abt him... have been doing that all daynd i feel so sad nd my heart hurtsso bad nd i long for him sm it's just a bad day :((

#it's bc i saw that he #uploaded his background which was just nothing. and said that he feels empty #and a couple of months ago before i ruined it all #he said that he had me as his background #so now i feel so fkn sad #i dont know why im like this but i feel so crazy about him i wanna die #i think about him constantly and i'venever ever wanted to be with or know someone this badly #and to know that he sees me as a disappointment... and not good enough for him... and that he doesnt love me enough to wanna fix it #or even have a 'it' with me #hurts so bad #so now im just in an awful headspace...#i hate myself so much #i wish i could go back and not do what i did #i did it bc i thought it'd bring me closer to him #but i was wrong and i didnt understand that until now #and instead it caused him to think im not what he thought i was or what he wants me to be #and no matter how much i try to explain i realize thatonly i understand #bcmy brains broken and no one could ever understand why i do what i do #i am alone. always and forever i will never know closeness or intimacy #the thing is thatbefore i met him i was fine w that #i kinda longed for it but i had resigned myself to a life without it #then i met him nd it felt real nd like it could bereal for me #plus i genuinely like him sm i feel sm for him so i desperately want it w him #but then..... it turned out that im not good enough for him #it just rlly hurts that the ONLY time i've ever wanted someone #and it started w them wanting me back #who i am was a disappointment nd i fucked it up bc of a misunderstanding #that i cant clear up bc i cant make anyone understand my fucked up broken reasoning #i will bealone forever and i just wanna die

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seilon · 8 months

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kinda hate that my go-to non-merch clothing store choices are vans and hollister like we GET it im fucking californian

#their shit is surprisingly good quality and they often have good sales what can I say #but yeah also it’s a style thing. if I’m not dressing like a scene kid im dressed like a california santa cruz ass sk8r boy or surfer boy #i just ordered a few new things from hollister and im looking forward 2 it because the ripped jeans I got last year from there are like.#the best jeans I’ve owned since outwardly transitioning #which. I guess doesn’t say much on the surface cause I’ve only had like. three pairs of jeans in that time. but LOOK it IS significant #because finding jeans that fit right as a trans guy- even one who’s almost 2 years on t- can be a Struggle.#that + my weight = it’s difficult to find places that carry men’s pants in my size a lot of the time (26w x 30l)#sometimes a 28w fits depending on the place but. yeah it’s usually closer to 26. I have a tiny waist and decently longish legs #not complaining I like that about myself generally and I’m definitely thankful I’m somewhat close to average male height (only 2 inches #under the average in the us- im 5’7) but still #in other news I still need a new binder (preferably two really) but now I’m worried I spent too much money on the pants and stuff #I need a fucking job. so. bad #at least I have excuses for the hollister order- really good sale + I needed new pants and a business casualish shirt for job/job interview #related stuff. I cant keep wearing my fucking funeral clothes to job interviews and the pants I was using fit Bad #kibumblabs #no one needed to know all this I am just rambling in my diary that is tumblr dot com don’t mind me

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skitskatdacat63 · 8 months

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Every semester, I feel like my instant thought is always "I am dropping every class. They're all horrible." but by the end usually end up really liking it so I really just need to ignore my first impressions, but god looking at the syllabi really destroys my mental state

#yet i dont remember liking the first class i took for my one major and im not excited for it this time either 😐#even tho ive spent the most time around that prof cumulatively i still dont really think i like him all that much 😭😭😭#my department sucks because theres only 2 profs and the one sucks so bad that she has a 1 star review #and the other prof who i feel lukewarm about goes so far as to tell his students to avoid classes with her #so im really stuck between a rock and a hard place 😭😭😭#i think he just gets on my nerves too easily. and he was on the abroad trip i went on so i do feel like ive gotten closer #but like you know those people who the dynamic feels very one sided with? thats him for me. i think its just a cultural difference tho tbh #but otherwise i think my other classes will be fine :D #just feeling a bit 😧 rn bcs i have to make an introduction vid for my online class and I DONT WANNNAAAAAAAAAAA #also i miss all my profs from my prev semester :<#i think i talked about it on here but ahhhh my one linguistics prof she was so nice #but it haunts me bcs she asked if she could use one of my papers as an example paper in the future #and i was of course very honored....#BUT ALSO THE PAPER I WROTE USED F1 DRIVERS AS EXAMPLES LMAO #so im so glad that the first half of the 2023 season is now just a time capsule in that class #like literally a time capsule where you can exactly tell which era it was bcs i used Nyck as an example 🌚#well anyways wish me luck i hate starting things it's like trying to cram yourself into a new skin or something #and then when youre very pleased and comfortable with it all its then over :(#catie.rambling.txt

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swarmkeepers · 1 year

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I worked a lot this last year and I don’t know if I can really look back on and be proud of any of it which is. Sobering. But I am very grateful that I can much more easily look at my friendships and my closeness with other people now compared to a year ago and just be endlessly glad for my friends and where I am going into 2023

#I worked on some projects I’m really excited about and with some places and people I really admire!#but I also just.#it was a year that I did learn my limits and learn to quit things but. not without overworking myself and burning out bad. multiple times.#it’s hard for me to look at any of the work I did without also thinking about that #but despite that I think. I got so much closer to people this year. learned to live with my friends. learned to miss them too.#stayed in touch. earned trust. tried to take care of the people I care about.#I got. so lucky and I’m doing my best to hang on to that. to deserve it and to give it back too #heard ‘I love you friend’ from someone who i absolutely was not expecting that from and was genuinely. so touched #got called out on my shit by people who care about me and make me want to take better care of myself #I just. I love my friends and I want to hug them all. right now.#2023 is for getting better at telling them so #sola said

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lightnersdream · 11 months

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#WHY DOES IT ALL HAVE TO BE SO MUCH #i don't usually get like this. im usually a kind of person that just lets stuff happen around me and not care a lot in terms of like social #behavior and relationships #you meet people. sometimes they go #that's how it is #there's people that we just drifted away or they vanished and it wasn't hard feelings #and normally i get over it. i miss them alot but it doesnt hit me this hard #and the thing is i haven't even lost anyone #it's just ive been so angry and low energy and pissed off by everything all the time that ive been distancing myself #and even when im not like that.. im just tired. my brain is clouded i just don't have anything to say #i want to say something but there isnt anything #so i havent been talking to a lot of people #and im like really afraid by the time im done working over whatever this is. that people will have found more other people they #prefer to talk to more or are closer with or we just find out its been too long and we dont have anything in common anymore #because i know ive been away from my friends more and more of late of late ive barely talked to anyone at all beyond 1-2 message exchanges #sometimes not at all .this isn't abnormal #but i happen to the kind of person who crumples if i don't get some kind of interaction daily #so as much as im empty-headed and angry and bad at conversation i need to be around people constantly #at the end of the day i don't have anything going on outside of drawing and talking to friends. i have nowhere to be in real life #i cant go anywhere. i don't know anyone and i hate my family #i don't know. im scared and lonely and it feels like i can be kind of a nothing person to talk to #dib noise #some of this is problems with myself which i do work on and i work on them hard. i don't want to be like that #i'm bad at meeting people too. i don't like taking risks or new things its all so much #I SHOULD CLARIFY. i am happy for poeple i am close to when they meet new people. i love hearing about them #and meeting them. i just have a horrible fear of being replaced or forgotten

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