#i can't stop thinking about him saying IVE BEEN OVERTHINKING

[kimjiwoong]

alexis just texted me and was like hey I know we see each other tomorrow but I've been overthinking this do u wanna have dinner tomorrow and I was like oh hi.. fkfjfjfdj

#he sent me like so many texts all together #but basically he was like instead of taking u home we go together back to my place #i know it's tuesdays but i promise I'll take u home early unless you don't want to do this which is fine #maybe u thought i was joking last time #i wasnt! #and at that point i was cackling but also dying from a heart attack #so i said yes no let's have dinner tomorrow #and he said he was glad because waiting for until the weekend sucked fkdjdjd #i can't stop thinking about him saying IVE BEEN OVERTHINKING #like WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD #my heart is racing by the way #rose.txt

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

OKAY SO IVE HAD AN IDEA FOR A WHILE

Imagine the M6 and MC proposing at the same time. Like they pull out a ring only to turn around and see that the other person also pulled out a ring. I think its very silly but also very cute :3

The Arcana HCs: MC and M6 proposing at the same time

~ ahaaa I love silly and cute! This is a wonderful suggestion and I adore it. another addition to the marriage themed hcs! - brainrot ~

Julian

Fumbles and almost drops the ring in shock

Is quick to pull himself back together and relax into his typical roguish grin

"Well that answers the question for me."

Will 100% forget to put the rings on because he's too busy frantically making out with you in relief

You'll have to be patient when you do go to put the rings on, because he's trembling all over

Is it the leftover nerves? The excitement? The week of sleepless nights he suffered overthinking it ahead of time?

Will need you to reassure him later that your answer was in fact yes

Will suggest you kiss him again to prove it

You're about to watch him agonize over one of the most difficult decisions of his life regarding his ring

Does he wear the original size that fits his finger? Does he request it be sized up to wear over his glove? He wants to show it off, but he wants to wear it all the time, and he can't ask you for two, and -

He's pacing? If you pin him he'll stop

Asra

Moment of silence while they turn bright red, because seeing you offer your commitment unprompted instead of themself suddenly makes it 1000x more real

Says yes so quietly you'll have to ask him to repeat

Will zone out staring at you adoringly until you make a move or they realize that you're looking at them too

Kisses you before you can give him the ring but at some point they'll magically appear on your fingers

You keep having to pause because they can't stop chuckling

Teases you relentlessly about it later

"So eager, MC. When did you become so forward?"

Picks up a new habit of kissing your wrist, palm, and ring finger every time you hold hands

Develops a strong preference for holding the hand with his ring on it

Doesn't make any kind of announcement, just visits all of their friends and acquaintances and waits for them to notice

Selasi the baker has the quickest time

Nadia

Delighted and trying not to show how peeved she is

She loves you. You love her. You love her so much that you're proposing

But she was already proposing

She's in the middle of following through on an elaborate plan that she's been putting together for weeks

She has a lot of backup plans too for when things can and will go wrong -

- she just doesn't have one for when they go right!

It's only a second of her grieving her initial plan of sweeping you off your feet before she's nodding and smiling and saying yes

Puts the rings on before kissing you

"I had a wonderful event planned. May I show you?"

Will have the grandest engagement announcement and celebration you're comfortable with

Decides in hindsight that the proposal was much better this way

The story about who proposed to who changes depending on whether she's talking to family or to friends

Muriel

Secretly relieved, he'll let you take it from here

Immediate reaction is to pull you into a hug. He's so happy and he wants to savor this moment

Doesn't need to say anything more unless you ask him, just let him enjoy this

He made the ring he gives you

Even more shy than usual about kissing you. He really wants to, but this is something he's been working up to doing for months now and it's a lot

Inanna gives him so much grief about it

Avoids going into town for a week after the news gets out. He knows he's going to be congratulated and he appreciates it but that requires responding to lots of people at once

Will frequently get lost in thought admiring his ring

It takes him a few tries to say "my fiance" out loud without overheating

Those first few tries happen in front of Asra, who brings it up regularly in conversation for years

Portia

Squeals high enough to make your ears bleed

You proposed at the same time! That's so romantic!! That's so in sync!!! This is clearly meant to be!!!!

Screams yes before kissing you breathless, the rest of the proposal completely forgotten

Talking excitedly between kisses about how much she loves you and how perfect that was until she remembers she didn't see the ring you chose

"Where's my ring? Oh, it's so beautiful! Quick, let's put them on!"

Nonstop ecstatic giggles for the rest of the day

Announces it to every person she meets and shows off the ring like it's a trophy

Has an ongoing story about how the rings are also in love with each other, and sometimes her ring gets lonely for your ring and wants a kiss, and oh look, now you're holding hands

You two should kiss too

Uses this story to introduce you on every single one of her ambassador trips

Lucio

Pouting at first because you interrupted him in the middle of proposing before he realizes that it's because you're proposing too

Well hey if you thought of it too then it must the perfect plan

Very aggressive making out, regardless of the setting he chose and whether anyone's watching

Secretly ecstatic about the ring

It's been a while since he's received something new and shiny to wear, and this one's a lifetime of special

Consistently fishes for compliments on the ring he chose for you. He just wants to ensure that his taste is the best

Mercedes and Melchior are so tuned in to him that they start going nuts every time he glances at his ring or introduces you as his fiance

If anyone asks, he proposed first and then you proposed immediately afterwards

Will either completely forget to mention that you're engaged or introduce himself to everyone he meets as "MC's fiance"

Forms a habit of flipping people off with his ring finger because "it's extra powerful if you're involved."

#ask arcana brainrot #the arcana #the arcana headcanons #the arcana hc #asra the arcana #julian the arcana #nadia the arcana #muriel the arcana #portia the arcana #lucio the arcana #the arcana game #the arcana fluff #asra alnazar #julian devorak #nadia satrinava #muriel of the kokhuri #portia devorak #lucio morgasson

[stupidlyobbsessed]

She eyes me like a pisces

Sumary: reader is caught staring at kurt and kurt can't help but think how beautiful she is, it makes him weak therefore "she eyes me like a pisces when I am weak"

🥀����= Kurt's pov 🍂☕️=readers pov 🥀🍂= no one's pov

Warnings: none

🥀🎸

Kurt is sitting in a coffee shop scribbling lyrics on his arm, he's lost in thought not a care in the world, just writing and humming soft melodies every now and then, he's completely unaware of the woman who is staring at him from across the cafe.

🍂☕️

I'm sitting in my favorite coffee shop sipping on my regular order when I see a man who ive seen here for the past few weeks, ive noticed that he looks at me sometimes, he's writing something on his arm, he's beautiful, he has a sharp jaw, chin length blonde hair, and bright blue eyes. I keep staring studying every feature of the face infront of me, though he's a few feet away I look at every little detail in his face. He's the most gorgeous man I've ever laid eyes on, I don't realize how long I've been staring until a pair of eyes look back at me, the prettiest pair of ocean blue eyes to be exact. I quickly snap out of it and blush smiling in embarrassment, I've been caught. I expect him to give me weird look, say something to me that would make me want to sink into the floor or he might just get up and ask why I'm staring at him, but he didn't do that, he just sat there, now he was the one who was staring at me. I felt my cheeks heat up as he studied my face the way I was doing to him just moments ago. I look away but I still feel his piercing gaze on me.

🥀🎸

I just caught the girl who id been staring at every time i cone to this coffee shop for the last few weeks staring at me, I wasn't sure how to feel, did I have something on my face? Was my hair messy? Did I miss something? But then I realized she was looking at me differently, she was admiring me, she had the most beautiful eyes, I couldn't stop staring, I got lost in her gaze, her face was angelic, beautiful, but sad looking, like a pisces. I thought about it for a minute while still staring at her, like a pisces, she eyes me like a pisces. Soon she caught me staring at her while she was staring at me she smiles and blushes. That smile. It had to have been the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. It made me weak, I hadn't even talked to this woman and she was making me weak. Shes the reason i keep coming to this cafe. She looks away but I keep staring, eventually I look away and scribble something on my arm.

She eyes me like a pisces, when I am weak

It fit the situation, she already had a hold on me before we even talk, if you could go inside a heart like a box then I was locked in hers. I write more on my arm.

I've been locked inside your heart-shaped box, for weeks

🍂☕️

I smile to myself as I think about what just happened, he was staring at me the way I was staring at him. He has to like me right? There's only one way to find out, I stand up from my chair.

🥀🎸

I wonder if I'm overthinking this, what if she dosent like me, I have to find out, I stand up.

🥀🍂

They both stand up and then hesitate when they see that they both had the same idea, they walk towards eachother.

"Hi" they both say at the same time, they laugh a little

"I'm kurt" the man says

"I'm y/n" she says

"We were staring at eachother" kurt says blushing, the y/n nods "yeah sorry about that. Do you like me because...I've seen you hear the last few weeks and I like you" y/n admits, kurt smiles "I like you, your the reason I come here, I also wrote some lyrics about you...if that's not weird" he says shyly, y/n blushes "you write songs? And you wrote about me?" She asks, kurt nods, the two smile at eachother and move closer then they both do something that they've wanted to do since they saw eachothers eyes for the first time. They kiss.

#nirvana #kurt cobain #fanfic #kurt cobain fans #kurt cobain fanfic #fluff #she eyes me like a pisces #heart shaped box

[sukunasun]

hElp i haven't been able to stop thinking about how breedable nanami kento looks since about may 2021..any advice??? pls dont enable me - or do. I'm at his/your mercy (also i feel like im gonna regret sending this ask in but oh wellllll)

this is how i know im getting old because i had to google what breedable meant haha...but yeah, we're in the same boat tbh, the man has that effect on everyone, no one can ever just leave the silent aloof types alone and ive never been more desperate to figure him out...tbh i've been putting him off, we're in the middle of a break up right now in the kitchen, it's silent except for the bubbling stew and his back is turned to me...

he's just so infuriating, i can't make him love in a way he doesn't know how to, i can't change him, and as a writer sometimes im unable to find that missing piece, what exactly does it mean to be loved by him, how would i know when im not used to his version of affection, maybe i don't care about acts of service or telltale signs im forced to pick out of his ever impassive face..

..sometimes of course majority=validity in fandom so now nanami has become husbando material but would actually Suck as a husband in my opinion, and no, he isn't perfect, not in my eyes, and we can dream and we can write him in all the ways he could be but i'd prefer to bring him closer to the light; that even a man who would choose to stay in the shadows can't escape the scrutiny and the scalpel of a surgeon like me, wanting to peel him open just to see what goes on in there, never touching or moving his pain around, tied up in knots, seeping into the crevices of his heart, rather than to fix him or heal him, i'd sew him back up with everything still intact, as if my job was to give him a diagnosis, tell him all the ways he's perfectly healthy except for all that repression and grief he's holding onto—"you should talk to someone," i say, "opening up isn't going to hurt you," forgetting that he's placed that privilege into my hands, the same hands that pulls the bandage up and over the scars...all i do is hurt him and make him suffer lmao... i can't remember the last time i gave him a happy ending and i feel bad (im sorry nanami, you deserve a writer who could give you the words and the main character to help you through it) i would suggest thinking of him for his flaws and maybe that would bring him down to earth a little but then i realize it makes him more attractive? because he becomes real, ive done the analyzing and the overthinking and it's still not enough, i wish to know him more, to never assume, but don't take my advice tbh....go wild, love every version of him, whether he's a househusband, competent nerd who uses microsoft excel like a pro, a gentleman who bakes bread and makes the best bentos, a father figure or a simp who chases after the cute, bubbly girls, a corruption kink, a praise kink, a breeding kink, however he's presented—lust for him, for the body that's built like a tree, thighs that could crush yet, he's so gentle when he places you in between them, straddling or mounting whichever you prefer, his weight atop you like tons of water, and just...burrow deeper, take him as he is, ride the wave or sink below it, if anything—love him, nanami is meant to be loved patiently, and without the need for it to be grandiose, extreme, radical, violent, no need for posession, obsession, or the world burning around him because he'd want to live and enjoy it's every texture and phenomenon with you, enjoying the still water and sun, the view of them meeting at the end of that horizon, reflected also in your eyes when he kisses you, tasting like release, like hope, and maybe then, it'll click, it'll make sense, what it's like to be at his mercy.

#why is this written like im his ex and im writing a letter to his new gf...idk anon pls take him from me and love him in ways i could not.. #i want to write about loving him and him loving me back but i dont know why he isnt enough sometimes... #'i want you to fight for me' is so hard to say #(quietly dodges the fact that i left his bday piece in the drafts ...) im sorry ... #but just like his tenacity for making good bread i try to be the same with the writing #^not true im actually very sloppy and i procrastinate too much nanami wouldnt be proud #who are you nanami...why do make me sigh heavily...why is it i see your face all the time...haunting me...forcing me to see you #ask #anon

[jjmaybanksbaby]

Where It Leads (Rafe Cameron)

Summer IV

Part 07: Crashing Down

series masterlist | previous part

summary: A jarring family emergency forces you to consider the future of your relationship with Rafe Cameron.

a/n: I'm a little bit emotional about this series ending because I've had so much fun writing it! Enjoy the last part and, as always, please come share your reactions with me in my inbox. Okay, that's all from me!

word count: 2.1k words

Rafe Cameron knew how to text. He was somehow witty, charming, and hilarious all in less characters than a single tweet. Texting with most boys was like talking to a brick wall: single-syllable answers, unironic uses of punctuation, asking “What are you wearing?” before even listening to how your day went. Though, to be fair, Rafe had asked that same question a few times, which always earned him a sarcastic answer in return. Well, except for that one time.

You’d been forced to spill the beans about your dreamy summer romance to Alice and Kensie after one of Rafe’s funnier texts almost made you pee yourself laughing at the lunch table.

“Oh, so he’s a stud muffin,” Alice announced, peering over Kenzie’s shoulder at the photo on your phone.

“Please god don’t call anyone a stud muffin ever again Al,” Kenzie replied.

“What? The 80s are like making a comeback.”

“Yeah, not that,” you countered and Alice huffed.

“He’s totally hot though,” Kenzie said, handing the phone back to you. “And I kinda hate you for not telling us about him.”

You looked down at the picture. Rafe was kissing your check while you grinned up at the camera, the golden hour lighting made the whole thing look rather enchanting. It was your favorite picture of you and him.

“Oh shit,” Kenzie said causing you to look up from the phone. “You’re like in love in love with him.”

“What? No,” you protested. Yes, your brain corrected.

Kenzie glanced over at Alice for backup.

“Besides, I wasn’t hiding him. I just didn’t know if there was anything there to...tell,” you finished.

“I wish I had a handsome summer fling with spectacular cheekbones,” Alice sighed.

“Don’t let your boyfriend hear you saying that.” Kenzie chucked a fry off her tray at Alice who dodged it expertly.

“Oh, please. Matty knows I would dump his ass for someone who looks like a young Chuck Bass any day of the week. Gimme your phone. I wanna see the photos again y/n.”

“I seriously don’t know how you and Matthew have been together for two years,” Kenzie replied.

“Are you kidding? They’re practically made for each other,” you added.

“The phone, please,” Alice interjected. “I wanna thirst over your mans while my boyfriend is sucking up to his English teacher so she doesn’t fail him. Of course, I told him he needed to actually read Wuthering Heights and not just sparknotes it. But did he listen? No. I picked a real winner y’all,” she finished, taking the phone from your outstretched hands. “You sure Rafe doesn’t have any brothers? Not even like a half-step brother?”

So yeah, going great. Against the odds of three thousand miles, the whole thing was somehow working. Long-distance friends with benefits? Check. Well, except for those moments when that nagging feeling in your stomach came back and you’d start overthinking everything. His texts would sit, unread in your phone for days or even a whole week, slowly sinking to the bottom of your messages.

Then came the call from the Kildare Country Hospital in the early hours of a foggy April morning. You should have gone to sleep hours ago but were still up, desperately trying to cram Maria’s lines into your brain while also texting Rafe. The Sound of Music opened in three weeks and your director had already chewed you out twice for not being off-book, something about being an upperclassman and the lead, and what kind of an example were you setting for the rest of the program. Big speeches were kind of your director's thing, you learned to just ride them out.

Around 1 a.m. your phone ran with an incoming FaceTime call from Rafe. You pressed the green acccept button, a smile spread across your face as Rafe’s own filled the screen.

“Hey Broadway Star.”

“Hi Rafe.” The dim lighting of his bedroom made his feature especially striking. “What are you still doing up?”

“Can’t sleep. Plus you’re up too so. How’s the memorizing going?”

“Shitty,” you replied, closing your binder with a sigh. “I’m too tired to do anymore of it tonight anyway.”

“You know, I was thinking I could come to Oregon for your opening night?”

“Really?” The possibility of Rafe sitting in the audience made your heart race.

“Yeah, why not? I’ll ask Ward if I can borrow the plane that weekend and I bet Sarah’ll want to come too. I wanna see my girl kill it. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Rafe. You know my friends think you’re hot.”

“Oh, do they?” Rafe replied, rolling over onto his back in his bed.

“Don’t let it get to your head, Cameron.”

The home phone ran but you ignored it, much more invested in your conversation with Rafe. The second time the hospital left a message. Your Nonna’s heart had given out. The prognosis wasn’t good. She had barely any time left.

Your heart dropped as the words echoed over the speaker of the answering machine.

“Rafe,” you said, cutting him off momentarily. “I gotta go. I’ll call you back later. I gotta-” you ended the call before Rafe even had the chance to respond. You dropped your phone on the kitchen table, dashing up the stairs to your parents’ bedroom. Your father was booking a flight for your mother back to the Outer Banks minutes later.

The end had come so quickly, so unexpectedly. It was almost like that made it harder. There'd been just enough time for your mom and uncle to get to the Outer Banks, sitting on each side of your Nonna as her final breaths passed through her lungs. Now, everyone was there to say goodbye one last time. Uncle Austin and his fiancé. Your mom and dad. Both your siblings. The entire population of Figure Eight.

☼☼☼

Rain drizzled down from the dark, gray clouds looming overhead. It was as if Mother Nature was mourning your Nonna too, hiding the sunshine away.

Three baby ducks followed their mama into the man-made pond at the edge of the cemetery. You watched their tiny feet kick up small waves disturbing the peaceful water and the tears silently slipped down your face.

The cars were waiting to take you back to your Nonna's house for the wake. The same house with the for-sale sign now stuck in the front yard. The for-sale sign with Rose's patronizing grin that you were starting to really hate. Your dad had handled that. Listing the house. He'd handled most of the funeral arrangement's actually because your mother had been too sunken into her grief to make any decision. Sending out the invitations, picking out your Nonna's casket, choosing the flowers. Your mother clung to him during the entire funeral, weeping into his shoulder.

“Y/n?” Rafe's voice called out from behind you and you turned to see him walked toward you. He’d stood at the back of the church with his family during the funeral. You had longed for him to be sitting in the first pew next to you, to have had his hand to hold onto to ground you, but it hardly would have been appropriate. Your Nonna would have sooner risen from the dead than have had a Cameron front row at her funeral.

As soon as he was close enough, Rafe reached for you, pulling your body tight into him. Your head landed on his chest and the sobs came moments later. God, he always smelled the same. He just let you cry, holding you close, smoothing his hand over your hair.

“I know you’re selling your grandma’s house but I was thinking you could stay with me for the summer," he said as your tears began to slow. It was hard to imagine that you wouldn't return to the Outer Banks once school let out. It was the first week of May already and you could feel the tourist-attracting town waking up. But selling the house just made more sense. Your older sister was already living her life in New York, a real adult life. Next summer, you'd be moving out too, headed to college. The house would sit empty for eight months out of the year, your family couldn't keep it and your uncle certainly didn’t want it. Selling it just had to happen.

You stepped back, slipping out of his embrace. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Rafe.”

“Why not?”

“Cause we’re like Romeo and Juliet.”

“I copied Cleo’s notes for that unit," he joked, trying to lighten to damp mood. “Plus I was never a fan of Leo DiCaprio so I didn’t finish the movie either.”

“It means we’re not supposed to be together, you and me. And whenever we try, the universe rips us apart. We hurt each other.”

Rafe shifted awkwardly on his feet, clearly wanting to reach for you again but stopping himself from doing it. “But I can't lose you.”

You reached your hand out, brushing away a strand of hair that had fallen in front of his eyes. “Oh Rafe, don’t you get it? You never really had me.” You stood up onto your tiptoes to kiss him just like you had the first time three years ago. Rafe barely parted his lips, kissing you back gently. Your hand cupped his face, your thump stroking over his cheek. It was a goodbye. Both of you knew it. It was an ending and this was your closure. You pulled away, your hand falling away from his face.

You couldn’t bring yourself to say the actual words. Your eyes fell to the ground. You needed to walk away now. You side-stepped Rafe but he grabbed your waist, turning you back around to face him.

“So that’s it? You’re not even gonna try to fight for us?”

“What even is there to fight for, Rafe? I’ve been fighting for us for the past four years. If we were supposed to be together that car wouldn’t have crashed into ours, I wouldn’t have fallen for Evan when I did, we wouldn’t be having this conversation at my Nonna’s funeral. What? Are we supposed to do long distance for all of college? I hardly know who I am right now. I have no idea who I’ll be in the next four years. Our future selves might not even like each other. I’m not gonna wait around for you Rafe and I would never ask you to do that for me.” You twirled the small, star charm between your fingers, a nervous habit you'd developed over the past year. His eyes dropped down to your neck momentarily and his adam's apple visibly bobbing as he swallowed his next weeks.

“You were it for me, you know. I tried to give a fuck about anyone else but I couldn’t get your gorgeous, stupid face out of my mind. I only wanted you.” Rafe paused gauging your reaction “I was falling in love with you.”

Your eyes wandered over his stoic expression. “The feeling was mutual, Rafe Cameron.”

He dropped your wrist but you both stood, not moving or saying anything. “Do you wanna walk me back to the car?”

“Yeah.” He reached for your hand, interlocking your fingers. Your other hand held onto his bicep so you walked together through the graveyard back to the parking lot.

The moment felt precious and delicate, like the fragile china your Nonna used to collect. You wondered what would happen to all that china.

Rafe placed a chaste kiss on your lips before opening the door of the car.

“I’ll miss you,” you said, the words hanging in the air meaning so much.

“Me too,” Rafe agreed.

You wanted one more kiss, one more passionate declaration of how much this all had meant but that would make leaving Rafe so much more impossible.

You climbed into the car, dropping Rafe’s hand in the process.

“See you around Cameron.” You knew it wouldn’t happen but it felt better than a goodbye.

He smiled back. “Maybe so.”

Perhaps Rafe was right and you’d both end up at a small liberal arts college in California taking the same second-year Econ class with a professor who always smelled like weed. Perhaps the stars would align and two of you would realize the universe wasn’t trying to keep you apart. It was just waiting for the right moment to show you that the love you had for each other was the soulmates, forever and ever kind of love. Perhaps you would get married and Sarah would be your maid of honor, of course. You’d buy back your Nonna’s house to raise your troubling-making kids in. Perhaps, you would find your way back and wake up each day and choose each other again and again.

Or perhaps, he'd always be your right-person-wrong-time. And, in the end, the passing days will steal away your memories of the blue-eyed boy from the Outer Banks.

taglist! @oreoenthusiast13

#outer banks #outer banks fanfiction #rafe cameron fanfiction #rafe cameron x reader #rafe cameron x y/n #rafe cameron series #obx netflix #obx #obx fanfic #where it leads series #where it leads

[weclassygirl]

𝐌𝐢𝐝𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬

Word count: 936

Pairing: neil x f!reader (tenet)

Warnings: none

Author’s note: yes i’m back and i’ll keep coming back with more short neil fics. english is not my first language. hope you enjoy! 

Gif credits (x)

The air on the balcony was chilly, you could feel goosebumps on your skin through the robe you're wearing. It's well past midnight and you couldn't quite fall asleep. You stand there, looking at the city below, some cars passing by, people walking in groups or alone. 

You hear the door to the balcony sliding open. You don't turn your head to see the intruder but from the side of your vision you see Neil standing next to you, a cup of what seems like tea in his hands. 

"Can't sleep?" he wonders and gives you a side glance, you shrug. 

"My mind won't let me." you answer him. “Just too much going on.” you look at the city, the lights of the high buildings still on in some places. You wonder who might be in them. 

You couldn’t rest for the whole day, going from one place to another, contacting Ives all day, helping Neil on some work. You couldn’t seem to stop. When you tried to get some sleep your thoughts wouldn’t let you, they just kept overthinking every possible scenario of the next day. The mission you’re gonna go to is the biggest one yet. You don’t even know how it will play out. You hope that it’ll go well. 

Neil sees you deep in thought and notices how you keep tightening your robe for some sense of warmth. He puts the mug on the table and goes to the chair behind him, picking up a blanket from it. He places it on your smaller frame and at first you tense but then turn in his direction. He tightens the blanket around you and when he’s finished with it he looks at you. His eyes heavy and slightly bloodshot through sleepless nights. You relax as he still keeps his hands on your shoulders, you smile up at him lazily. 

“What?” he asks, smiling at you, eyebrows drawn together. 

“Nothing, just…” you look down at your feet, trying to find the right words. You look up at him and he seems standing closer to you, you notice his eyes briefly travelling to your lips. If you would just inch closer to him then… “Do you ever think where you would be if you weren’t involved in all of this?” 

He doesn’t hesitate with the answer. “Probably something to do with physics.” you know that he’s really passionate about it, you saw him writing a bunch of notes with diagrams, equations and such just a few days ago. Sometimes you even came over to his workspace and let him ramble what’s on his mind or explain to you some physics. You watched as he explained everything and he watched you being truly interested in the topic he spoke about. 

Both of you know that you can’t really reveal anything remotely personal about yourself, you’re not even sure Neil is his real name. You wish that you would have been able to get to know him better, even for a few moments. You rely on each other, trust one another. You wish that it could be more and you feel like he wants that too.

“How about you?” he questions you. You think for a moment, you haven’t really thought about it. You look towards the city and sigh.

“I don’t know. Maybe travel the world.” 

“You already do.” he comments.

“Yeah but you know what I mean.” you turn to him the cup no longer in his hands. He raises his eyebrow at you. “I want to see it without worrying about some unexpected inversion or another mission. I want to see it in its whole beauty, enjoy it and not have memories with it that tie to my job.” 

“Not even if I’m in most of them?” he asks with playfulness in his voice. You smile at him. 

“Of course I want you in them. Maybe when all of this is over we could go on some sort of vacation.” you tell him, some form of hope in your voice.

“Just you and me?”

“Always.” you say simply and see him coming closer to you. He reaches his hand up to your cheek and traces his thumb over it. He leans in closer, his face inches away from yours and he puts a soft kiss on your lips. It’s short but sweet, both of you are tired but if you had more energy you would try to deepen it. He pulls away, your body moving after his, the desire to kiss him again rising. 

“Long day ahead.” you hear Neil say, you look up at him and see the city lights bouncing off of his eyes. “You should rest.” 

“Says you.” you chuckle. You see his hair sticking out in every direction. His shirt crumpled up and sleeves rolled up. “When’s the last time you got some decent sleep, Neil?” 

He hangs his head low and scoffs. “Is it that visible?” he smiles lazily at you, already knowing the answer. You head to the door, push them open and look over your shoulder. “You coming?” 

He looks at you, taken back by you for a second. Not in the shirts or bulletproof vest you constantly wear but in casual clothing, the ones that you feel the most comfortable in. Your true beauty that you so rarely show, your features softened, your shoulders not so tense anymore. Just… you. Neil is pulled away from his thoughts when you take his hand in yours and lead him to the apartment. Both of you fall asleep in each other's arms, falling asleep much faster together than apart. 

#neil x reader tenet #tenet #neil tenet #robert pattinson tenet #robert pattinson #i'm actually planning a miniseries that intertwines with the movie #just need to rewatch it #and deffo take some notes #hope you enjoy #take care #let me know what you think

[chanelhamitlon]

but its always been you|| Thomas Jefferson x Reader

word count: 1550

warnings: cusing, lack of proofreading, mentions of death

A/N: my first Thomas fic🙈 (Modern AU like most of them) Idk how collage works pls 😭

Inspiration: Youuu - COIN (its really good omg)

QUICK NOTE: the cuts are usually to switch between y/n and thomas

tell me if you wanna be in my permanent tag list :))

Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders.

"Jefferson,Thomas". He walked up the stage to receive his much deserved diploma. Four years of extensive studying just for this moment. He looked at the crowd and as if the world suddenly stopped. He focused on this one person. She had a camera up to her face, her hair glistening in the daylight. He looked like her as if he had seen a ghost. He snapped out of it as she lowered her camera. His girlfriend, of course. She smiled at him as the announcer calls on the next graduate. He walked down and towards her. Now that he thinks about it, he'd gaze out to her like this multiple times now, but he feels this is not because of her herself. He saw someone else in her. A high school sweetheart perhaps. He might've seen the gold flakes in her e/c colored eyes as he did with Y/n. He was sure he had long forgotten about her. She was special, sure but as high school sweethearts go, they stay in high school. He was convinced the countless exes he'd have were all to drown out her calling out for him once more. Just one more time at least. He'd like to think that moving to the other side of the world also helped with the cause. That was his number one priority; to forget about the one year they spent together.

You always thought that it wasn't anyone's fault that you and Thomas broke up. It was just not in anyones best interest to keep it going after high school and if the feelings last, he'd always say that he will find you. You lost faith that he'd come back of course. Whatever goes on in high school, stays in high school. You would go on several dates with people in college but you would always find yourself comparing them to Thomas. You focused on your studies, everyone telling you that you were smart; 'If only they knew how much I know about the things that really matter'.

You look at the clock '12:34 am'. Graduation was tomorrow or later. You were trying to fall asleep, and quickly at that, but you can't refrain from overthinking. Every scenario running through your head in a fast pace. Every outcome possible, you could have saved that relationship. Were you thinking of going back to New York to find him? It was nice as it is in California. You had your essentials, a good connection to your family online, but it was never really enough. You needed him.

The day came through fast paced. You would think that one of the most important milestones in live would be savored by time, running slowly. It was the opposite, time was never forgiving of you, years came by in a glimpse. You still felt like a kid, just not now. Graduation had such a surreal feeling to it, no one was never obliged to finish school of course, but you would think that something this sentimental would finally saturate the world with colors.

At the bus ride to downtown San Fransisco, your mind drifted off with ease. The music flowing to your ears made you feel like you were in a music video, those artsy kinds who would always try to incorporate daily life then proceed with a shot of a glamorous mansion. A song comes on, one of your favorites actually, Youuu by COIN.

' She moves just like you

She tastes like you

But its always been youuu...'

They say that music with certain themes will always trigger memories, flowing back to your brain. Even the ones you could have sworn you have forgotten. Thomas springs in to mind. He was a player in high school, of course he would have found someone new by now. That year was still pretty vivid to you though. All the sneaking around, all your firsts, the mini get togethers turned dates. You remember everything.

"Hey do you want to go out on Saturday?"Thomas' voice echoes through the walls of the almost room. He was staying with his girlfriend for the meantime since her parents were to insist on them 'not spending money on property' yet. Although Thomas was to never have a problem with money, his family was filthy rich at that. He was still deciding whether to stay here, with his girlfriend, in the suburbs, content with a stable income job; or to his family in New York City, a corporate job, and maybe even to you.

"What's the occasion?" Her voice sweetly said. Running her hands through his curls. "I wanna see you dance again." He said with a light chuckle. She laughed, "Come on... I don't dance THAT bad". He enjoyed moments like this. He truly did. The light touching and cuddling, just enjoying each others presence. He knew that she was human and he was truly sorry. He was sorry that she was being played like a pawn in the game of life. He was sorry that this was temporary. He was sorry that he was looking for someone. And he is sorry that that sorry that that someone wasn't her. They both noticed that the vinyl record had stopped playing. She stood up and changed the track record. Thomas sat up and looked at her. Her back was faced towards him. 'Even her silhouette reminds him of you' . The decision is clear then.

You started working a minimum wage job to pay the bills. You live in an apartment, sharing a space with your roommate, Reese. She was kind enough as it is, you both treated each other like family. She got you through when you were looking for a job. Now paying her back, you got her a little cake to celebrate her birthday. Going home from the cake shop, you stopped your tracks to see a rather tall man in the street, he was talking to someone on his phone. 'It couldn't possibly be him'. You wanted to think rationally at that moment, but you were overtaken by your emotions. You lightly tapped his shoulder. He turned around to reveal a completely different person. You quickly apologized to the person. You weren't lying to yourself at this point, you were pretty devastated that it wasn't him.

Unlocking your apartment door, you heard mild sobs in the far left to you. That was your roommate's room. You closed the door and headed straight to her door. Knocking three times, you opened the door to a disheveled Reese, frantically grabbing tissues.

"What happened?" You were still going to approach her, mildly forcing her into toxic positivity. You were ready to listen to her. "I'm moving out." In your role as her roommate, this was the only thing that should concern you, but you were close and so you thought that something had happened at home. "My dad died. I'll move home and live there from now on." You understand completely that that was what she needed to do. You offer to help her on countless things of course. That night was one of the gloomiest in the apartment. You slowly watched her pack away most of her stuff, sulking away most days, above all that, conversation halted and was now a thing of the past.

"Have you made your decision yet?" Trying to make conversation at dinner, Thomas' girlfriend asked him to whether they would actually last or not. Long distance never really works for anyone, might as well rip the band-aid off now. Thomas looked like he was burried in a million thoughts, he looked at her apathetically, without an answer. They ate away the evening, they were the opposite of this lively restaurant. She looked at him, wanting to ask him more; what's are you thinking is at risk? what's weighing your shoulders down? is there 'a someone'?

Just as Thomas was to suggest leaving the restaurant and just saying sorry for the melancholy he brought to the evening, she stood up and suggested a dance. 'That's what they came for anyway.' He gladly accepted and took the lead, whisking her away to the dance floor. There were about 3 other couples around them, lost in their own world. He wants to think rationally, he doesn't want to loose his mind and let his emotions seep through his walls. They were slow dancing now. 'She really feels like y/n'.

"Who's y/n and why do I feel like her?"

Thomas froze. He accidentally said it out loud. There's no stoping it now, just tell her the truth; rip the band aid off.

"She's a girl I used to date in high sc-"

"Every relationship in high school stays in high school Thomas. grow up"

Thomas didn't know what to say.He didn't know why that sentiment ticked him off that way. He didn't know why his body was suddenly in flames. He didn't know what to say so all he did was run; run far away. She didn't understand. If you would've explained where you came from she would. No, she wouldn't.

Just before they reach the car she caught up to him. He turned around looking so distraught.

"Ive made up my mind."

part 2 👀?

#thomas jefferson #thomas #hamilton cast #hamilton fanfiction #hamilton fandom #hamilton fanfic #hamilton an american musical #hamilton #daveed diggs #daveed x reader #daveed #diggs #hamilton x reader #x reader #fanfiction #fanfic

[obeymematches]

Can I get a matchup? ;u; Im a trans guy, 20 n 168 cm tall. I have shoulder length, thick hair that is messy as all hell dhdjh I also wear glasses and I have central heterochromia which is kinda cool ig? Uh I'm in college to be in the veterinary field, so I really love animals (no phobias either) and i have a soft spot for exotics, especially snakes. I have 3 noodle children whom I adore and once I start talking about them I can't shut up. I also really love paleontology as well (1/3)

Personality wise, I'm quiet, reserved and awkward around strangers/acquaintances, and many people tend to forget I'm even there lol.Once im comfortable around u tho, I become annoying and loud VERY quickly and I just. Don't stop talking. I'm also not afraid to talk back n be sassy with friends, or be blunt or a bit of a dick if they deserve/need it. despite acting like an idiot most of the time, i do know when to get serious. i try to help others as much as i can, even if it effects me badly 2/3 ive been told im very mature + wise when needed and that im very good mediator. ive basically been a makeshift therapist since i was 11 so im well versed lol. im very actually really observant despite acting airheaded. also pretty empathetic and i can pick up on the small things. i overthink things constantly and i tend to keep my emotions + feelings to myself. when it comes to myself im careless and a pushover, but with others im a huge worrywart n stubborn. Fhdjh I'll stop now, and thank you!! 

Hi!!!

Thank you for sending in a request, I hipe you like the results! <3 

Ok so the 2 characters on my mind were Leviathan and Mammon! I decided to match you with Mammon but tbh it could work out well with Levi too!

Here is why:

ok so the fact that you love animals makes you perfect for candidates with animal familiars so hopefully you like crows! 

but same point would make you perfect for Levi too

ok think about Mammon pretending to be cool but actually he’s scared of snakes fghjk :( 

you’ll never know though at first 

come to think of fist, we all know how bad he is at leaving first impressions on humans so the fact that you can put your feet down when needed and be a bit meaner but honest is great in his case

don’t take it personally though it’s just... him being him 

also i think he’d like shy and quiet ppl a lot ... imagine him being so proud when he finally reaches the stage where you’re loud and can’t stop talking

honestly you can quickly become his partner in crime 

the fact that you know when to be serious and you are wise and also mature means at least this duo has someone with braincells

though you really shouldn’t underestimate him either!! 

the fact that you are a great mediator means you could kind of build a better bridge between him and Levi?

or just him and his brothers in general... not that they are not bad terms but sometimes someone who listens is very much needed and tbh his respect and admiration would be through the roof if someone did that 

i think it’s the same with him, like ppl tend to think he is so easy going and stuff but actually that’s not really the case, this also makes him underestimated by his brothers. but this means he feels relatable and thats so important!! 

oh god he also hides his emotions... but i think this is something that can be worked on in the future and by this i mean the two of you could work together on growth which is also a green flag! 

i think being his friend would obviously make him care for you sm that your carelessnes towards yourself wouldn’t be an issue! though he is not a parent kind of friend he is not going to be afraid to remind you to eat if you haven’t already before you go out. though his way of doing that would probably be inviting you out to grab something quick 

ok but you being stubborn is also great! though he is going to have a hard time saying no to you anyway! 

#obey me #obey me swd #om! #obey me mammon #om! mammon #obey me matchup #obey me one master to rule them all

[survivor-ingary]

Episode 3 - "RIP tribe Jenkins we were too powerful" - Riley

The 3 tribes of Pendragon, Hatter, and Jenkins have been reorganized and condensed into 2 new Hatter and Pendragon Tribes. Tribal immunity is Scavenger Hunt.

The fact I have Brayden and Toph in my merged tribe boosts my serotonin. i have a feeling colin may be someone to keep an eye out for in the future now...

RIP tribe Jenkins we were too powerful. I guess we'll see how Pendragon pans out.

yall doin me dirty putting me with brayden i just hope that by some miracle me him anastasia and ellie can work together? like i still dont know if theyre plotting on my ass vdshibshj i know brayden told anastasia to take me out when this game started oop but lemme see if dis works. i hope riley follows the logic of the old tribe sticking together and thatll be 5 votes. im kinda obsessed with toph like since the beginning of the game he looks like someone i could totally play with so def wanna work on that relationship. ava and nya? i believe? lets say hello and work on those relationships as well. dis is a bit overwhelming but we shall see how it goes

uh... well... i am SCREWED. me and ginny were the only ones separated from the Jenkins tribe... RIP. 4 pendragons, 2 hatters, and 2 jenkins... the main things i see here are pendragon yoinking one of the hatters / jenkins and voting the other off... OR a 4-4 tie... OR they're gonna target one of me or ginny cuz none of us have gone to tribal council yet. this is really dicey, and I need to tread very, very carefully from hereon. (ALSO GINNY BARELY TALKS PLS I NEED YOUR HELP GIRL)

This swap actually turned out pretty amazing for me. I still have Keith and Moth who I worked semi-close with in the pre-swap. Additionally, I've met up with Colin and Babs. A little Raffy magic could keep me very safe on this tribe. I think Kenneth is super fun as he is a newbie AND active. He will definitely make it far in this game. I hope, at the very least, that I can be by his side to make that happen. However, I am wary he might just be making these strong social connections with everyone. As a final note, OG Pendragons have this tribe 4 to 8. That's both good and bad. Good because we have numbers. Bad because that may make people target me very early on just for being a part of it. So, I have decided that if I were to throw any of my OG Pendragons to the wolves it would be Jonathan as I haven't been able to connect with them as well as Keith and Moth. Other than that, I hope this tribe doesn't have to go to tribal all that often between now and the next swap/merge. These people are lovely.

I'm getting a bad feeling about this... Since most of my Jenkins tribemates are on the other tribe, I KNOW they're good cuz we just keep getting W's... so I think there is a good chance we might lose the challenge. I contributed a good amount, so I hope that the target won't be on me if ever we lose the challenge :( I really don't wanna go, and I wanna reunite with Dennis/Ellie and maybe Anastasia and get further in the game.

i worked hard on this confessional

Our tribe did our absolute best in this challenge. I have no idea who is getting targeted if we go to tribal as everyone is so quiet. All I know is that I want to keep Colin, Kenneth, and Keith close to me for this stage of the game. They are the only ones who consistently talk to me. Challenge results: Pendragon wins due to a 10% advantage, Hatter Tribe must go to tribal council the following day.

THANK GOD I FINALLY GET TO GO TO A TRIBAL, ITS BEEN TOO LONG!!!!

Look, before you go to tribal with a group of people it feels like there’s a barrier of game socialization because you haven’t been able to go to tribal with them. But leading up to tribal and after it, a whole new can of worms is available for game talk. Unfortunately it’s an extremely simple vote because Nya has ghosted all of us, but at least we still get to go to tribal so I can talk game with more people even if it’s only a small amount with this easy vote. But who knows, someone might decide to switch shit up!

And also I absolutely love this tribe (Minus Nya cause I haven’t met them) so I’m glad that I get to go forward with this group although I won’t be nearly as happy if we go to tribal again because as I said, I do enjoy this group of people a lot

Moth (Tumblr will only allow me 10 images so player banners stop now, whoops) I believe the only reason I will make it to the next round is because of Raffys advantage. I’d be so screwed otherwise

I like Babs. They got good vibes.

Also I’d kill to know how the other tribe reacted

Dennis in a perfect world i would try to not vote out nya but bdksksksoksks theyve done it to themselves. no need to make waves. unless someone else is secretly plotting on me i think this is about to be an easy tribal. damn one point. miss ellie had her name down on stuff that she didnt do. also overslept that first challenge is she purposey trying to sabotage and play the villain? who knowssss also ive broken my streak of never going to tribe tribal sigh

Toph So what’s happening, I can’t remember the last time I made a confession but the tea yall ?! Soooo the tribe swap happened and my gut was right soooo okay intuition work ! I feel like I really like everyone from the merge and nya as remained inactive since, after losing the challenge it seems like an easy vote but you can never be to safe, I have my little allinnce with Brayden and Ava which is wig and I really dig Ellie , Anastasia, and Dennis too, I’m gonna be so nervous if we have to go to tribal agian because it could be me ! I’m not to sure about Reilly but they seem nice ! I feel pretty good with Anastasia as well and feel we could rope her into an alliance easily, I’m just gonna due my best right now to play the middle, keep my head down and speak positively. I really need to find an idol or something even better just so I don’t have to worry as super much and just plain worry then lol. If anything I’m gonna stay loyal to brayden and Ava the most since there my day one homies. Brayden seems to be close with Anastasia which could definitely help in are favor of having the numbers on are side. But could mean he would easily cut me for her if needed, so that mean I need to get closer with Ava, just to gaurnetee my safety, I have to look out for me this game and only me, making sure the numbers are kn my side I’m constantly on the right side of the vote should help me strageticly float to the end and win my crown thank you very much. I’m also lowkey worried about alliance’s being made right now without me! Everyone seems to be online but my chats are a bit quite but this could be me overthinking things mmmhmm I’m not sure, we’ll anyways it was nice to vent to y’all. :)

Riley Nooooooo I can't believe we lost by just one point. Damn the Hatter tribe's secret bonus point boost >:(

Kenneth I am honestly in such a shock that we won that challenge... Raffy really came in clutch and helped us win AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Now I don't have to worry about being randomly blindsided or targeted for at least a couple more days now pls I just hope we get lucky again and another swap happens where I would be on the right side of the numbers, all prepared for merge domination >:) Raffy Oof. I know the other tribe is MAD because I would be too. Like, we only won because of my advantage giving us a 1 POINT LEAD. That's crazy! Honestly, this works for me as I can still focus o n making strong social connections within this tribe. By the time we go to tribal, I will be so integrated with this tribe that voting me out would do a lot more short-term harm than long-term good. I want to see if Kenneth would start an alliance with me as that is someone I want to work closely with. In this alliance? I have no idea. I'll probably let Kenneth take the lead on that since I want him to feel like he is in charge. Dennis nothing is real

if i go tonight i would applaud it bc i am so sure nya is going. it would be a goop if the vote really wasnt nya but everyone is more or less trying to do the easy thing i think. i just hope she is okay and just too busy for dis.

some time has gone by and im just chilling. im not chilling because i feel safe, im chilling because i dont know what else to do. i cant be all game talk 24/7 because then im an outcast and would get targeted. besides the obvi alliances like a+b and maybe(?!?!??) an e(?!) in there, idk what alliances there are. like there has to be something but i dont have the picture yet. as yall know im not in any alliances in my current tribe besides i guess ellie who i fear is a saboteur lol and most likely working with a+b. a+b are such a double edged sword for me ugh. am i really in their best interests???????????????? am i really in ellies best interest???? do they know about her idol too?????????? likeeeee thats the issue. if im not really in their best interests then im the next to go after nya. i am probs very low if not the lowest on this tribe if dats true. i mean what if i really am in their best interests and theyre all genuinely trying to work with me? idk! if not then im next to go efuhijdhvbf and i fear im probably not.

i really like toph. taurus sun (in the 12th!) gemini everything else king. hes got social game on lock like who wouldnt wanna work with him ?! and hes a cutie ?! ?! ?! but i seen the chart -.- i know what hes doin. i think hes working with ellie. but he reaches out to me and probably others but i like our conversations. (but im sure everyone loves their conversations with toph!! hes great!!!!! friendly ol toph wont harm a fly ?!) i hope he likes me and sees i actually would wanna work with him above all the gorls and chooses me over them too.

ava also knows what theyre doing. saturnian legend. we barely talk but little short bits here and there. i hope its bc theyre busy but im sure ellie is talking to them more than me amongst others too. oop also possible alliance, brayden toph ava who all swapped together. so gotta keep that in mind. but yeah i dont really think im much of their priority esp if theyre on vacay they would hear a name and not stress too much if its mine bc we dont have ties like that.

riley and i talk here and there, had a lil chat today

someone once told me that i just look like someone you cant trust but you can :( sometimes :)

so yeah here i am having lots of thoughts over the last few days.

maybe im not super super invested just yet bc i feel like the rug is gonna get swept out right from under me again :))) also back on my bs telling people im a leo moon. i shouldnt weaponize astrology but hey.

#episodes

[dullscissorsintheyellowlight]

This is me forcing myself to try and make sense of what ive been feeling. No shame. No running away.I kinda feel like the progress I made in 2016 and 2017 is like....going to hell. I was finnaly feeling like I was growing as a human being but this year I've just been feeling like a child again. I have no self control, no ambition, no nothing apart from the inrernet. And not even that brings me joy. Plus I just feel so ashamed of this. I expect my boyfriend to help me with this moods but I'm so embarrassed of it I don't even try to explain to him the problems I'm having and obviously he can't help me like that and like. I now that. But I still get upset that he doesn't know how to help. It's been 4years we're together and maybe things are starting to cool down and I don't really know how to not feel sad about it. I've been trying to have sex with him do like, two weeks and he never wants it and I've been feeling so rejected. I know he doesn't always have to be in the mood but I can't help being sad. I just can't. I'm so stupid.

I'm a stupid procrastinator with the college stuff and it brings me so much anxiety but I never learn.

I feel no desire to communicate anything that happens inside my head to anyone and at the same time I feel lonely for not having a connexion to anyone.

I'm not writing this because I'm feeling like it. I'm forcing myself to do so, so maybe I will start to make sense I things.

I don't even know if anyone follows me on this blog. That's how little interest I have on being social.

Maybe I should go to a therapist. I always wanted to go to one. But again. I can't find the energy in myself to like, ask my parents, go there for the apoitments and stuff... when i think about having to explain to mom why I need it I'm kinda like...naah. not worth it.

And I can even talk to myself. I kinda hate myself. The inside of my brain is... I don't have many nice things to say about it nowadays. I feel a bit broken. A bit like my brain ruined by technology. Maybe I should just give it up. But I don't think that would help, as well. I would just have repetitive thoughts while I walk in circles in my locked bedroom.

Maybe I should then force myself to never lock my bedroom anymore. Maybe not even close the door. And I top of that, no more social media.

But that's frightening. Like. What am I supposed to do with myself if I don't have YouTube, Tumblr, Netflix, facebook, podcasts... What the fuck do I do all day if it's not studying? (Currently my college work is just from home and my internship is over. So i spend the whole day alone at home, basically)I feel like it would just make me feel worse to no have anything to help me escape my mind throughout the day.

I feel like I'm losing interest in the real world again. People ask me questions and u get so annoyed that I have to actually respond to them. Like. It's like I want them to read my mind. I don't have the drive to make sense of my thoughts and put them into words so people in the real world know what's inside. I think deep down I feel like it's a waist of time because there's not anything interesting in there and even if there is something, I don't have the ability to make sense of it.

I just feel very very stupid even though it's unlikely that I am. I'm almost graduating a university that isn't even easy to get into, for a start. Iff I've come this far, it must mean something, write? But I can't help but to feel like an impostor. I feel everybody around me is more capable,more driven, not intelligent and hardworking.

If I had been born poor, i would be so ruled, right now... seriously.

I know a lot of people feel like this and that it's just a trick of the mind but....like I know a lot of things with my mind but they don't reach my heart at all. At a intellectual sense, I get them but that's it. Itt doesn't go beyond that. It doesn't make any difference in the real world.

And I know the best thing I could do it's to just stop overthinking, chose a meaning for my like and live by it. But it's so hard to get out of a bad state of mind by my own effort.

I fear I'll never grow up.

I feel like I need something new, something different, something important, to give me a little bit more meaning.

I'm going to sleep. Maybe I'll wake up with a not positive mind.

#personal