#i even made little flashcards for the episodes so i could physically see where they might fit the timeline lol

[octolingkiera]

5, 15, 16, 29

hi!! thanks for your ask!! :3

(the list)

5. What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

so on the one hand, my danny phantom fics always get a lot of attention and it always leaves me a little surprised, but on the other hand, that fandom is very fic focused, so at the same time it Doesn't really surprise me when i get a lot of kudos for them. what surprises me more is how much other fandoms DON'T comment or bookmark or follow fics lol. i was seriously spoiled with those lol

as for a fic that's gotten more feedback, uhhhh hm. a couple of my dp fics have done better than i thought they would, yeah, but i also have this bleach fic that's in second person that seems to have come across really well, so i guess that one's the most surprising lol

aftershocks has done really well, but that's not surprising considering the talent that went into it, the fact we updated every week, and the word count, but it still baffled me as we were updating it how well it was doing lol

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

definitely my rottmnt separated au (chapter 1 is posted on ao3 as sunset hues, jetpack blues (SHJB)) lol. ive been putting a lot of effort into it, more than i give most of my fics, tho i'm realizing now as i'm working more on planning i may have jumped the gun a bit and posted it a biiit early?? but also i wanted to post it on my birthday so i'm not so concerned about that kdshbfhdsf

when i post chapter 2 (which is basically done except for the final revision i need to give it), i'm gonna reread chapter 1 as well and make sure it's up to date with the minor stuff i left out bc i hadn't nailed down some specifics yet (but dw, it'll be Very minor and won't effect the plot lol)

besides that, i have oneshot prompts i wanna fill out and i have a fic in the works i'm calling Fallout, which is inspired by fall out boy songs (which ive been thinking about since like february/march when "love from the other side" dropped lol)

i also lowkey wanna try to get a fic done for danny phantom's 20th anniversary in april but idk how that's gonna go lol. i'm still very focused on ninja turtles

16. What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

of my 54 works on ao3 Fluff seems to be my most used tag with 10 times, which is. lowkey a surprise LOL. Hurt/Comfort comes in second with 7 (tied with "not beta read" and a tag for a danny phantom fic event) and Angst is in third with 6 (barring the two that i'm not counting lol)

going by just my rise fics, first place tag goes to Donatello and Leonardo are Twins (TMNT) with 6 of my 8 fics (ao3 says 9, but one of them is aftershocks, which i won't include bc it's a collab) and only reason it's not all 8 is bc i didn't tag it in fics where it's not a main focus lol

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

hmmmm let's see.... okay what have i written this year....

oh god that's a lot more than i thought, uhhhh

i have a lot of stuff i Really enjoyed tbh. there's a fun little action sequence i wrote for a later part of SHJB that i liked (that i'll prolly have to rework a little), there's a few Other parts of my prewritten SHJB stuff i enjoy, there's a bunch of stuff in my rise august fills i really liked...

but i think for a single line/passage, i'll go with this bit from the beginning of my fic what's in a name? (which is also posted here on tumblr!!)

Donnie, not bothering to look up from his phone, flaps a hand in the air dismissively. “I keep all my anger bottled up in here,” he taps his chest, “and hope one day it will just kill me. Like a normal person,” he adds, as if what he just described is unequivocally a universal experience.

this entire piece was a lot of fun to write and there's some more silly lines in this i really enjoyed but i think this is the one i think about the most, like the exchange directly after this lol

Leo purses his lips and steeples his hands, holding this fingers to his mouth. “So that’s a yes to the mad, then.” “Or it could be, like, the coo-coo for cocoa puffs type of mad!” Mikey chimes in, crossing his eyes and swirling a finger beside his ear. “Y’know, like British people say.” “Ew,” Leo says, because that’s all that needs to be said about that.

and this line a little bit down from that

Raph’s next exhale is heavy, the burden of Atlas in his eternal torment. “Pizza Supreme, I wish.”

thanks again for your ask!!! these were a lot of fun to answer. i love talking about my writing dfjghbdfg get me started and i'll never shut up lol

#thanks for the ask! #sometimes i like talking about writing more than i like actually writing #it's a lot of work and my focus and motivation don't always let me write much #but GOd am i excited for my sep au #it's taking a lot of work #and a lot of research #but i want it to be the best that it can be #at least some of this research is really interesting tho :0 #like this fic has me going insane and making a million notes #i even made little flashcards for the episodes so i could physically see where they might fit the timeline lol #ask #answer #and since they were all mentioned #rottmnt #danny phantom #bleach #aftershocks #i think i have this tagged??? #if not oh well lol #i do now

[rainbowbutterfrosting]

Okay, but ‘Erase Me’ hits different after the newest episode (lyrics in bold, discussion/analysis in normal text)

What was our home

“Home” it’s an odd word for the sides. Especially with the recent episodes. With tension flowing between all of them with ease, it’s hard to question if they can truly find comfort in on another. Easily represented by none of the sides (other than Logan and Remus) being there throughout Thomas’ day. This isn’t like the other episodes where they’re all having a discussion together about Thomas getting overwhelmed. 

Instead, Thomas feels isolated for most of it, fighting a battle with his mind (mind referring to his intrusive thoughts, his sides, and Logan’s agenda for the day)

Paper not stone

Everything seemed to... change so quickly. They went from Embarrassing Phases with cute Halloween costumes and friendly jokes about cringe and vine directly into SvS and DWIT where Thomas questions if he’s a good person while his mental health quickly declines.

In a similar way, paper is fragile and flimsy, easily ripped apart.

‘Paper not stone’ could also be a way to reference Logan’s agenda for the day. All of it can be discarded and saved for Future Thomas™ since none of it is really set in stone.

A lean-to at most

Logan is nothing to Thomas- or at least he feels that way. He’s only someone who can calm Thomas down. Thomas can ‘lean’ on him, but that’s the most he is.

And when you pulled your half away

I’d like to think half has a few different meanings here. The one I like the most is where “half” represents Thomas’ attention. He’s pulled to Nico, he’s pulled to Remus, he’s pulled to anxiety. 

Logan recognizes this and calms him down. He lets him have breaks and gently guides Thomas back to their schedule once he’s a bit better.

Half could also represent for when he pulls away from Logan and listens to the other sides more. In this episode, he practically listens to everyone but Logan, despite him being the most physically there. He’s listening to his spiraling intrusive thoughts (Virgil’s fear and Remus’ role). He’s listening to his worry about Nico’s feelings for him (Virgil’s fear and Roman’s passion). He’s taking breaks and indulging in what he loves (Janus’ role and Patton’s enjoyment in child-like activities such as disney princess puzzles and dancing to up-beat music)

He might be the side the camera follows around, but he certainly isn’t the main character by far.

Gravity won Like it always does

Logan isn’t winning this battle. Of course he isn’t. He never does. Thomas is pulled down by the figurative gravity of all the other sides, while Logan is left there alone. 

In theory, he grounds Thomas the most, but Thomas also naturally drifts away from him. Using his role as logic for quick comfort before listening to someone else for an actual discussion.

Did I weigh a ton?

Is he weighing Thomas down? Is he making him unhappy? He thought he was good at one point, helping Thomas earn a degree in college and organizing a schedule for him so he could live life comfortably.

Yet the degree is tilted on the wall. The schedule would have been torn up if Thomas was given a paper. 

Would it be easier to just delete Our pages and the plans we made?

Would it be easier for Logan to give up? He certainly isn’t needed, Thomas didn’t listen to Logan the whole day and he was still fine. He made pages of things Thomas needed to do along with the plans that Thomas agreed to. Only for them to be pushed to the side since something grabbed his attention. 

And perhaps Logan saves these plans. He keeps them to help Thomas. Maybe to even create more realistic ones. But perhaps Thomas just won’t listen to him. He should just delete the plans he has. Thomas has always been great at improv. Maybe someone like Roman should take control- he’s been listening to him more than Logan anyway. (Represented through the whole Nico situation)

Erase me So you don't have to face me

Thomas turns away from Logan at the end, leaving him alone in the living room. He’s erasing Logan from his mind, finding an opportunity he wants because he doesn’t need Logan. 

Put me in the ground and mow the daisies

Was mowing the lawn on the list of things Thomas needed to do? Nope. Is Thomas mowing over his ideas for something more exciting anyway? Yep.

Ah, the memory, see how it goes When you

Erase me Erase me

“The memory” is Logan. It represents how he was aware of his own outburst at Remus, he knows he lost control. But maybe he’ll also ‘see how it goes’ when Thomas starts ignoring him even more. Perhaps his eyes will stay orange. Perhaps Orange will just take his place entirely. 

So what will you do With no me for you?

Thomas needs him- right? I mean, there’s no one else to create the schedules and plans... that Thomas doesn’t use. He helped earn Thomas’ degree! The... the degree he doesn’t use. 

Maybe Logan is useless. Maybe Thomas can’t function without him. Logan doesn’t even want to know at this point.

I know what we said

Logan knows he technically agreed to Thomas leaving and going to Nico, but he can’t help but feel bitter about it.

This bitterness rises when he’s with the other sides. Roman disregards him, “You’ll be fine, Rome didn’t fall in a day.” Logan hasn’t been ignored for more than one day. He isn’t fine. He’s more than what he’s acknowledged as, he quickly responds with emotion filling his mind, “Well, that’s a misquote so-”

Only to get fucking cut off. Again. He isn’t fine. He’s getting ignored and cut off whenever he tries to input something. Then Patton takes control of the conversation. Directing it at Thomas instead of Logan. Taking Roman’s side. Not listening to logic.

But what if I left a thing or two

Logan just needs to stop. He needs to stop talking, leave a plan or two in Thomas’ mind while a side or two keeps him busy for the day. 

We know that you don't seem To think about what you need 'Til you reach to find that you've

Erased me

Imagine telling someone that you really want to do something with them. You both clear out the whole day at an agreed time. Then they want to do something else. You- you suppose it’s fine? You both go there and then you get side-tracked again, and again, and- the day is over. 

They don’t care about what they were supposed to do. Thomas didn’t care about what he was supposed to do. Most of the things he was supposed to do didn’t even directly benefit Logan. They were things he needed to function, things to keep his place nice, not reading a non-fiction book or watching a documentary. They were things Thomas needed. But apparently that wasn’t a good enough reason to listen to logic. 

What the fuck is this? You're crazy, turned around  

Logan is fed up with how Thomas keeps ignoring him. Keeps getting distracted. “Turned around” turned around from the task at hand. 

“What the fuck is this?” could be to Remus. Constantly bothering Thomas, getting him distracted over and over. Going the complete opposite direction of where they should be going. And not listening to him when talked to about it. 

In two weeks time replaced me

Thomas doesn’t need Logan. It’s clear from his daily routine. All he needs is someone to offer the idea of dancing or a puzzle to him and he’s fine again. 

Ah, the memory everybody knows How it goes you just

Erase me

Logan is well-known throughout the mindscape. He’s known as a nerd, a geek, a nobody. Most of the names he could wear with pride, but he’s nobody. Nobody to Thomas and nobody in the grand scheme of things. Perhaps the other sides would be fine with Logan getting “erased.” They seem to regard his name with distaste anyway.

Did me like a bro and tazed me

Logan makes little flashcards for slang and tries to use them. Almost like a child proudly showing a high test score to their parent. He wants so badly to be acknowledged, to be heard, to be cool. 

Fireworks - poof - it's gone, amazing

Thomas is gone. The fireworks went off in his heart and he’s gone. Logan- Logan should be happy for him. It’s amazing as some would call it. He holds the to-do list to his chest as he sinks out. 

New bio, you've gone solo Drawing mustaches on our wedding photo

Nothing is important, not really. It can all be quickly discarded. “New bio” could be talking to Nico and changing a social media bio to dating or something like that.

“You’ve gone solo.” Haha that’s funny. Thomas is practically anything but solo with Logan. The line is said with such anger and bitterness that it’s no wonder why he thinks he means nothing to Thomas.

“Drawing mustaches on our wedding photo” What else is Remus going to ruin for Logan? Drawing on Thomas’ degree with mustaches?

Erase me Erase me Erase me...

Erase me This is us shouting, baby Erase me

Logan is begging, screaming, shouting for someone to acknowledge that he’s being ignored. But he’s being ignored, so they don’t hear him. Of course they don’t hear him.

Do we call the cops now, baby?

Cops is Orange. Take this as you will.

Ah, the memory everybody knows About the brand new home

There’s no distress in this line. Everyone is fine about the idea of Logan leaving to go into a new ‘home.’ He wasn’t important, so why would they worry? Thomas clearly didn’t seem to worry as he ran out of the house, searching for Nico. Thomas didn’t need him in the slightest.

Erase me And you'll never have to face me

Erase something off the to-do list. Erase the signature on the degree. Erase him.

Erase me Option-Command-Escape me And if you feel nothing Guess what I'll wanna be

Huh, I wonder what he wants to be :)

#ts spoilers #sanders sides #logan angst #logan sanders #ts logan #logan playlist #logan sanders playlist #sanders sides playlist #sanders sides analysis #logan analysis #logan sanders analysis #wtit #ts wtit #wtit spoilers #working through intrusive thoughts

[ironwoman359]

Learning New Things About Ourselves

 Observations, thoughts, and screenshots! 

(under the cut, because spoilers and also LONG)

Patton: “Take it from me. That’s not the way to work out your feelings.” Oof, you really can see Patton’s growth in this episode, he’s so much more aware of himself now. 

Patton: *gasp* Logan!!!!

“It’s Patton!”

Oh my goodness, he’s so excited to see him, Logan, acknowledge him, he’s so happy to see you. 

Logan and Roman are acting like they haven’t even made the progress they have recently, that’s how you really know something is off with Thomas. 

Thomas: Uh, guys? *makes the face*

Patton: “*gasp* I know that face!”

“My child is returning”

Virgil: Thomas you have got to do something about this!  Thomas: But this is what they always do. Right? Oof, Thomas, even if so, that’s not good. You need to help them solve their issues, or there’s never going to be any peace around. 

Patton is so aggressive in his love for Virgil, it’s so cute. And AWWWWW, Virgil gave Patton a dad themed nickname! That’s so precious, my moxiety loving heart is so happy right now! 

AAAAAH, just look at them, they’re best friends and I love it so much. 

(also mood with the arm thing, Thomas)

Virgil’s just all Roman, you’re an insecure moron, Logan, you’re an inconsiderate jerk, can you both just COOL it now? I do love that now, Virgil acts much more often as the “common sense we need,” like, lately he’s been an identifier of a lot of the problems and now that he’s actually listened to, it makes things go way smoother. 

Roman: “I’m not insecure!” Yes sweetie, yes you are.

R&L: I’M THE MOST IMPORTANT SIDE HERE! Everyone’s faces omg:

Virgil: “All I’m saying is you both suck at what you do and I’m tired of having to keep lighting fires under your butts.” 

Also, typical, Roman is trying to defend himself, Logan took Virgil way too literally, and Virgil is making gay jokes until Patton calms them all down. 

Patton, my hero, knowing how to get each of them to shut up, I am so using that in future fics. 

They all zero in so quickly on what Patton gives them:

(Also look at Patton’s face, this is like, a rare moment when he shows off how powerful he actually is. Not just as a strong influencer in Thomas’s personality, but like, he knows them all so well. He knows how they all tick, he knows their feelings better than they do, and he knows exactly how to calm each of them down. He probably also knows exactly how to work each of them up, too, but he doesn’t because he’s Good. This just...it makes me think of human aus where Patton is somehow able to get the whole school to listen to him or retaliates against bullies, and I love it.) 

Happy, distracted bois.

Roman the artist, you’re doing amazing sweetie, wow.

Patton figuring all this out is my jam, tbh. 

You can see the gears turning in his head, and then he has that AhHa! moment, and he doesn’t have the answers, but he knows that’s okay, they just need to do some soul searching to find out what the question is. 

And the others don’t get what he means, but LOGAN, the smart one, he realizes! He understands, and he comes SO close to saying “Patton, you’re a genius!” that it physically hurt me. (I think Logan is afraid, in that moment, but I’ll leave that analysis for another post) 

Logan is so dang proud of himself for that hat. 

Thomas: How did I used to learn things? Logan: Textbooks. Roman and Virgil: Mistakes. Patton: Puppets!!!  I do find it telling that Virgil and Roman both claimed mistakes as Thomas’s biggest source of learning. It not only highlights their tendency to work together on things such as acting and creating, but also how much they both think about their own pasts...I think it’s safe to say that the two of them are more introspective than Patton and Logan. Patton has learned to be more introspective and aware of himself with time, but for both Roman AND Virgil, that constant inner thought process is at the core of their function. No wonder they gave the same answer to that question. 

Virgil immediately jumping to Patton’s defense, “OR we could hear him out! He’s already made ONE valid point today.” I love how protective Virgil is of Patton, and again, I’ll probably go deeper on this in another post. 

I like how this keeps the canon from the other shapeshifting video, that Virgil has a harder time shapeshifting than the others. I also love how he immediately was like “Nope, nope, I can’t pull this off this was dumb” until Thomas reassures him. 

Patton: “You know what happens when you assume! You make an AS out of SU and ME!”  Patton has the dirtiest sense of humor out of all of them and NO ONE shall convince me otherwise. 

Logan throwing that flashcard, yikes.  

So much anger, but also so much instant regret.

Honestly, I think he’s really scared of himself right here, and it’s no wonder that he offered to leave before he could make things worse. But then when Patton refuses to let him leave again (he remembers what happened last time), he seems so surprised, as though he hadn’t expected Patton to care about his opinion enough to ask him to stay. 

Patton is so on the right track here, jumping STRAIGHT to talking about feelings, even though the others don’t like that idea, he insists, knowing that it’s the only thing that will really help them. 

When Thomas expresses that he feels unworthy of feeling bad, Patton shoots that down, knowing it to be unhealthy. I also feel like the line “It’s not your feelings job to make sense,” isn’t just about emotions, it’s about him too. He knows he’s silly, he knows he doesn’t always make sense (especially the way Logan wants him to), but he also knows his worth as a part of Thomas. And he’s going to do his job, dang it. 

I like how Virgil calls out both Logan AND Roman equally in this, both telling Logan to cool it with the deadlines, but also agreeing that Roman hasn’t been performing adequately. I also like how Virgil isn’t right throughout the WHOLE video too, I mean, he’s wrong right here, trying to fix the issue he sees on the surface without first examining the underlying emotions, because that makes him, Anxiety, uncomfortable. 

When Logan insists that no one is listening to him, Thomas then says, alright, I’ll hear you out. What should we do? 

I love the way that Patton, yet again, was the one able to guide Thomas to the question he needed: Am I doing the right thing with my life?

Logan: “If you asked me, I could list several factors that could be contributing to your doubts.” *looks around the room* 

I love that Virgil finally is just like “woah, Logan, what are some of those things?” He knows that’s what Logan wants, and that he’s not going to continue until he hears that verbal validation. 

Virgil the Count. 

“NO ONE TAKES YOU SERIOUSLY!” “Four. Four uncomfortable characters. In this room.” 

Logan is very concerned about Thomas’s image (and also his own) and you can TELL he’s been thinking about this for some time, but been holding it back because, despite how concerned he is, the others seem happy. So he’s held in what he thinks. But he can’t do that any longer. 

“You eat some jam, accidentally tell a few puns and now you’re all sensitive about not being taken seriously?” “I’M NOT A JOKE!” Someone hug him.  He even flat out SAYS that right now, he’s not being listened to. “I can’t be thought of as such, because there will be times in which I must be heeded, and given our current circumstances, I clearly haven’t been.”

Virgil validating Logan’s opinions even as he expresses his disagreement. 

Virgil: “Don’t start with me Thomas. I have plenty of hate to go around.”  Patton: “Oh very funny Virgil, you cute little muffin. Thomas, you know he doesn’t mean it. Now––”  After this, you can see Virgil’s puppet reel back a little, and it’s a testament to how good the puppeteer is because you can tell that that statement...actually hurt him a little. Sure, maybe he won’t HATE Thomas, but he does sometimes still use the scare tactics to make his point, and in some ways, Patton undermined his point by brushing off his tactics. 

Virgil and Roman having a snark off, I am living.  Roman also realizing when he’s gone too far and admitting his flaws, I am so living.

Roman: I do feel bad.  Virgil: Well then maybe you should say you’re sorry.  Roman: You’re right.  Virgil: Oh, really?  He was so surprised when Roman admitted he was right, and even though he thought that apology was for him and it turned out to be for Logan, I think it’s telling that Virgil is still sometimes surprised when Roman admits that his point was good. 

Roman apologizing is so sweet.  “I still feel bad.” Patton knowing that if he lets Roman express himself in a way he’s comfortable, ah, I just love this whole sequence. 

Roman calling Logan and the others his loved ones <3 

The look Logan gives Patton when Patton starts sing/rapping about how he used to hide his feelings:

Aaaaaaa my heart look at him. 

Patton: “Everybody gets sad, even dads who have people to care for,”  Patton cares so much for the others my heart is so full. 

Virgil participating in the song happily and voluntarily, so much growth since Christmas!!!

Virgil: “I thought that I could take it, all the hate would just be shaken, but when you lo– CARE for someone, not much hurts more than their scorn. I also felt bad.”  Roman: “Oh, come now–”  I just, love everything about this. Virgil’s lines, him almost saying love, but changing it last second, Roman literally reaching out to him, it’s just all so perfect <3. 

The music shifting into minor when Logan interrupts with his frustration, and YES, his and Thomas’s duet is fabulous. I get major Lin Manuel Miranda vibes from their section. (thank you @digitally-analog for the transcription.)  Thomas: This just serves as testament to the fact you have a temperament which is fine, you just haven’t accepted it. If you let them finish they’d get to the– Logan: This just serves as testament to the fact that to me, you’re negligent which is fine, it just works to your detriment. You not letting me finish is just proving my– 

Virgil: “HEY! ... You’re lost. It’s okay. I was lost once too,”  Virgil pulling through for them, YES, and I love how he’s able to just so clearly let the others know what they’re feeling sometimes. “You’re lost,” it reminds me of when in Patton’s room, he said “You’re afraid.” Patton may be most emotions, but those kinds of emotions are ones that Virgil is very familiar with, and ones he can spot easily in his friends, and ones he doesn’t want to see them go through the way he had to.

Virgil: No one wants to be a joke, T, R & P: but a life without jokes is incomplete! 

Roman’s bits, omg. 

Thomas: It’s alright, Princey, honestly it didn’t hurt me, it’s clear you’re the one who’s hurting.  Roman: Huh?  I just, someone take both him AND Logan to therapy, they are so emotionally unaware. 

Virgil: “You feel low.”  Coming through again with that problem identifying. 

P&V: “We embrace you,”  Roman: “That’s rich.”  Virgil (gently): “No one hates you.”  I think it’s so important that this line comes from him, because of all the sides, Roman probably feels like Virgil has the most justification to hate him, but here his is quietly reassuring him. 

Roman and Logan FINALLY talking to each other, THANK YOU 

And Logan realizing that the song was actually part of the conversation, and not random like he thought, you go you silly nerd, you’re getting it! Logic is always there, even in the methods that he doesn’t necessarily understand, and that the silliness and dramatics that Patton and Roman love can still be intelligent. 

“Why did I never question people’s belittling views on what I do?”  THERE IT IS THOMAS YOU GOT IT!

Nice DHMIS reference. 

Logan and Roman making up aaaaaah yay. Thomas and Virgil are so proud! 

Virgil telling Patton how he feels, but trying so hard to do it in a way that won’t hurt Patton’s feelings. I’m so proud of him. 

I’m so proud of ALL of them, they did so good. Thomas did good. Character Thomas and real Thomas, this video was amazing, and I loved it. That’s it for this post, but there will be more to come!  –Taylor <3

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #fanders #famders #sanders sides theories #ts spoilers #sanders sides spoilers #screenshot queen #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders

[jungblue]

mixtape (m)

pairing: min yoongi x reader 

genre: smut, fluff, comedy / college, podcast personality au

word count: 15,610

description: Two mystery students from your college run the podcast dubbed ‘mixtape.’ It’s become a sort of phenomenon around campus, listened to by almost everyone. In their most recent episode they discussed various study methods... One of them being oh so tempting.

“This week’s topic is—” Sugar started, of course only to be swiftly interrupted by the second half of the two-man show podcast that had sort of gone viral around your college campus.

But regardless of being cut short, the metallic nature of his voice still managed to worm its way directly into your chest, where it festered into something so captivating that you couldn’t help but sigh. It was cool to the touch as the syllables of his chosen words sent an intrusion of goosebumps along your arms and thighs. It had a certain gravel, a deepness that you could sometimes feel in the pit of your belly if you listened to him long enough with your eyes closed. However, more times than not, the grit would be severed with a vibrant laugh that rang so sweetly that you could feel it clamoring around your heart with giddiness on its heels.

“—Studying! So sexy, right?” Jay interjected mid-sentence, something that anyone who listened to their weekly episodes would quickly learn is a norm.

However, there were times of course where Sugar was allowed the courtesy of going off on long tangents without his friend’s interruption, and in those moments his voice was hypnotic, if you had to put it simply. It tugged you beneath the current of concentration until you were pressing the volume button on your phone to raise his vocals higher. The small hitch of his breath, or exhale against the mic when he would sigh due to the topic at hand, they made you lean in closer to the invisible man on the other side of the pre-recorded audio that filtered through your headphones.

“Another Jay-led interruption here on mixtape, wow how shocking?” Sugar deadpanned, his sarcasm making you grin to yourself in amusement.

“He loves me guys, don’t let him fool you just because he likes to act all cool and stoic while recording. He’s a big softie, honestly.”

“Really? I’m the softie? Who was the one I found crying on their couch the other day because Bridge to Tera-fucking-bithia was on TV?”

“Oh, you really wanna go there?” Jay scoffed, a comeback already settling on his tongue. After all, this sort of playful banter, along with their personality dynamic was the main reason that the podcast worked so well. Because really it was just half an hour of them going on tangents and talking shit to each other. “You cried for hours over that fucking sports anime, Ace of some shit. I had to buy you like three pizzas just to calm your ass down — which you never Venmo’d me back for… Just sayin’.”

“First of all, it’s Ace of Diamond, asshole, and you didn’t play sports in high school so you just don’t get it. Their pain and suffering, the loss, the goddamn character development. It’s just — okay, never mind I’m not getting into this with you because honestly I’m getting a bit teary-eyed thinking about it again.”

They both snorted in laughter over the microphone, and you couldn’t help but do the same because it was honestly infectious. Their conversations were always so natural and funny.

“Okay now that we’re done talking about shit that makes us cry, are you ready to get into this week’s topic that you so rudely interrupted the introduction of?” Sugar asked after they both came down from the high of their breathless amusement.

“I mean it’s studying, dude. Can you blame me? I’m just gonna tell everyone that I really wanted to avoid this topic at all cost, but Sugar here just wouldn’t budge. So if you use our voices as a monotonous background for your descent into sleep tonight, I legit won’t blame you.”

“Nothing is monotonous when it comes to you, so let’s not lie. This is a podcast of integrity dammit.” You heard the playful slam of Sugar’s palm against whatever surface they were presumably sitting at. You giggled slightly at his sliver of humor until he continued. “But really, even though it isn’t the most exciting topic ever, this is still a college podcast, and Jay and I need to cover all of our bases, so you just gotta bear with us. But as a special treat for suffering through my tips and tricks, next week’s episode is gonna be one that I’m sure you were all expecting eventually—”

“—College sex life! That’s right, my friends, we’re gonna get all down in that bow chicka wow wow nitty gritty—”

“I hate you so much,” Sugar said, but you could definitely hear the way his voice shook with laughter at Jay’s ridiculous commentary. That was another reason his voice enticed you so much. It was just really raw, always managing to convey the smile, annoyance, distraction, or frustration that no doubt laced his expression. It was funny, you had absolutely no idea as to what the appearance of your favorite podcast personality was, yet you still managed to picture him inside of your head as he spoke with each and every emotion that his weekly episodes brought him and his lively counterpart to. The curl of his lip or roll of his eyes somehow manifested themselves in your thoughts so vividly. “You sound like such a fratty douche, maybe you wanna reel it in a bit?”

“Well I am fratty, but not the douche kind.”

“Debatable, but admittedly sometimes I do forget that you’re part of Delta Delta Dickhead.”

“Fuck you.”

“That’s next week’s topic, sorry for the wait.”

“Ohhh nice segue, dude. But you’re still an asshole. Anyways yeah, next week’s gonna be a lot of fun, you’ll get to hear all about Sugar’s freshman year filled with pointless Tinder dates and chlamydia surprises — so, so much fun.” It seemed that you and Sugar sputtered violently in surprise at the sudden proclamation.

“Really? You’re gonna rub freshman year fuck-ups in my face?”

“That’s what friends are for.”

“You mean shitty friends,” Sugar proposed.

“Tomato, tomato,” Jay replied by saying the words in the exact same way, with what seemed like a shrug.

“That’s… Not even how the saying — okay, whatever. Moving on. Studying. What’re your tips, and don’t you dare say things about not cramming or waiting until the last minute. Nobody wants to hear that Harvard shit.”

“Don’t be mean, kids from Harvard might listen to this.”

“I mean it was a compliment more than anything. Their time management skills are just alien to me. But the bigger point here is that if there’s anyone from Harvard listening to this podcast please make me the CFO or something if you end up creating the next Facebook or whatever. Just don’t screw me over like Eduardo. I saw The Social Network, buddy,” Sugar warned as he moved in closer to the mic it seemed.

“Great movie.”

“Fucking fantastic movie.”

“No biases whatsoever.”

“Of course, they would never.”

“But anyways, so my studying tips,” Jay paused for a moment, already sighing. “See this is why I didn’t wanna do this topic. Nothing is fun about studying. How can I even make this interesting?”

“Guess you’re just not as creative as me,” Sugar replied, most certainly smirking as he did so.

“Okay, big shot, you go then. What’s your tip?”

There was a small pause before he answered, and it made your breath hitch a little. “Well, it’s a bit not safe for work.”

“You’re lying,” Jay exclaimed immediately. “What the hell kind of studying are you doing? Studying pussy, maybe. Not fucking physics.”

“Well you’re not wrong, I mean on my part at least. But it can definitely be applied whatever way you want, depending on who needs to study.”

You felt yourself sit up straighter against your headboard, slightly (or very) intrigued by whatever this studying tip was.

“Okay, just spill already. Now you’ve got me interested. If this is any good I’m actually gonna be pissed that you didn’t tell me sooner.”

“You’ll live,” Sugar laughed. “But the only thing you’ll need is flash cards.”

“Oh my god, wow I’m getting so hard just thinking about those flexible paper rectangles. Mhm, oh yeah.”

“I’m ignoring you. Anyway, once you have the flash cards you’ll have to find yourself a consensual study partner who’s in the mood to go down on you—”

“What the fuck? That took a turn. I mean a good turn, but still,” Jay interrupted for unsurprisingly the millionth time, and so Sugar simply continued without acknowledging the outburst.

“Once you have the agreement set up, it’s pretty straight forward. Get your stack of flashcards with everything that you need to know for that exam, and for every one that you get right you get some of that sweet, lovely oral stimulation, and for every one that you get wrong you obviously get nothing. Or you could always be mean and push the incentive higher by saying you get nothing for the next five or so cards if you get one wrong. But yeah that is my studying tip.”

You felt your tongue almost involuntarily run along the top of your teeth. There was even a slight flare of pressure in your lower stomach as you imagined the idea of participating in the scenario that you wish you had heard of sooner. Maybe you needed to pick up some flashcards…

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jay finally said after a pause that you chalked off as astonishment. “Dude, that’s… That’s fucking genius. You should’ve written that on a blimp and gotten it flown over campus. Like… Sex and productivity, now that is revolutionary.”

Sugar simply snorted in response. “Okay, it’s not that crazy. I’m definitely not the first person to do it. But I thought I would share for all the unknowing parties out there. So yeah, if you’re gonna have sex, might as well study for bio or whatever while you’re at it.”

“Okay real question though,” Jay suddenly asked, curiosity brimming. “So you’ve actually done this before, right?”

“Obviously, I wouldn’t recommend it if I hadn’t,” He responded simply.

“So obviously the most important question is… Did they pass the test?”

Oh yeah, that was sort of the important part, wasn’t it? That the sex wouldn’t be so distracting that your productiveness wilted because of it. So with that in mind, you waited carefully to hear Sugar’s answer.

“Dude, okay so this might sound like I’m bragging, but I promise it’s just the truth. Every time I’ve done it,” He paused for a second, building the anticipation. “They set the fucking curve.”

You felt your blood spike instantly, and then you had to accept the fact that you just got the tiniest bit turned on by the idea of good grades. What the hell was wrong with you?

“Shut the fuck up. You’ve gotta be lying. I don’t’ believe you. I refuse to believe you, dude.” You could tell that Jay was smiling through his disbelief, even if his words were skeptical.

“I swear. No bullshit. One-hundred percent, all of them.”

“What… the fuck? I don’t know if I should believe you, but to save us from arguing until the end of time on the episode I’m just gonna go with it for now. But like, wow… Oral and studying, who knew?”

“I promise I’m not lying, but yeah try it out guys. Flashcards are sold at your local Wal-mart, Staples, and just about everywhere else you could possibly think of.”

“Yeah, might be kind of weird though. If someone’s about to go down on you, and you’re just like, uhm hey can you read these flashcards to me in this weird study tactic I learned off of a podcast,” He laughed, and yeah you had to agree. It sounds nice in theory, but actually asking someone to do it might be a tad awkward.

“Just put it in the bio of your Tinder profile. ‘Just looking for someone to do the mixtape flashcard study tip with.’ If they get it and are interested, then there you go.”

“First message: You got the flashcards?”

You snickered at the idea, as did the two boys in your headphones.

“Yeah, you’re definitely not getting a reply with a lead-off question like that.”

“Definitely not. I don’t care if you look like KJ Apa, you’re not getting a response.”

“Who’s that?”

“Archie from Riverdale.”

Sugar hummed in response. “Haven’t seen it. It’s that CW show, right?”

“Yes, and oh my god, I can’t believe we’re friends. It’s so good. Like the dialogue is kind of ehh, but the actual story is addicting.”

“Wow, sorry I didn’t take you for someone that would enjoy CW shows.”

“Fuck off, Gossip Girl transcends time and space.”

“You’re in a frat, of course you’d like that boujee shit,” He quipped playfully.

“Not true. I had a girlfriend in high school who watched it, and like… dude before you know it you’re invested and crying that Serena gets everything that Blair wants in life. It’s fucked up.”

You smiled, partly due to your own enjoyment of the teen-socialite drama, but also because of Sugar’s laughter that he was clearly trying to stifle. “Good to know,” He ended up saying with light traces of humor still managing to catch his words. “But what were we even talking about? Study tips? Yeah, so—”

“Dude!” Jay suddenly exclaimed, making you jump slightly.

“Fuck, don’t yell. What is it?” Sugar replied with a hint of irritation.

“They’re giving out free milkshakes and t-shirts at the quad.”

Sugar sighed, because just like you they were college students, and who in their right mind could pass up free stuff on that type of budget. You certainly hadn’t when you had heard about it yesterday, when the duo seemed to have recorded this week’s episode. “Right in front of my fucking podcast, really?”

“Sorry, no post-coital cuddling this week. Gotta run, and I’m sure by the time all of you hear this you’ll have gotten your milkshakes and shirts too, so no hard feelings?”

“Yup, so until next time I’m Sugar.”

“And I’m Jay. Don’t run the on-campus store out of flashcards while we’re gone, you filthy animals. Or totally do because that would be hilarious.”

“Christ, milkshakes are running out. Let’s go.”

The podcast ended with that, Sugar abruptly demanding to quicken the pace in the name of free milkshakes. You don’t know why but the pure relatability of it made you smile, even if just the tiniest bit. You reached up, pulling the headphones out of your ears before lying flat against your bed.

Today had been a rather stressful one with studying for your upcoming anatomy test. It was more information than you could ever hope to cram into your head with the small frame of time until the actual exam. But even with that looming thought eating at the back of your mind, you still felt a lightness in your chest, and you knew what it was because of.

You weren’t sure what it was about them specifically. Their personalities most certainly, their dynamic as friends, the side-tangents they would go off into about The Social Network and Gossip Girl, or the fact that they would stop mid-podcast to high-tail it to the quad for free shit. But it helped to distract you, even if it was only for a little while, away from the stresses that your own life faced. It was strange, that two random guys that went to your college and did a weekly podcast, were able to make your day just the tiniest bit less suffocating. You didn’t know what they looked like or even what their real names were, but somehow it just felt like you could take a breather for the amount of time that you listened to them banter.

But most certainly the strangest thing was the fact that you had developed a weird… Crush? Yeah, that was probably the only word for it. You had developed some strange… feelings towards the guy who used the alias Sugar. It was odd, that over the months of listening to him speak, his characteristics coming through more and more, you just found something about him so alluring. His voice, personality, ideals, sense of humor, just everything pulled you in, only for you to sadly realize that you had no idea who he even was. You didn’t even know his damn name. That was honestly what you wanted to know the most. Of course, you would love to know what he looked like so you could put a face to the voice, but having his name, there was just something more personal about that.

You could feel yourself drifting with that thought. Names scattered around inside of your head. None of them feeling right as you tried to tie it to the voice you had become so attached to over the past several months. Your eyes closed, the deep grip of sleep pulling you farther from consciousness.

You wish you could say that you had gotten to stay like that for a while, peacefully napping, thinking about the mysterious podcast personality, but you got maybe an hour in before your phone started ringing violently from where you had dropped it on the bed after finishing the podcast.

“Fuck,” You mumbled to yourself, voice scratchy as you blindly reached for the device, only vaguely looking at who the caller was before swiping to answer it. “Yes?”

“Someone sounds tired,” Jimin said, sounding slightly amused with your groggy state.

“Yeah, I was napping, you ass.”

“Well I have an important question,” He replied, ignoring the insult. But Jimin had been your best friend for years, so you were both used to the banter by now.

“Better be a million-dollar question.”

He let out a tiny laugh before replying. “Oh, I know you’ll be interested. Did you listen to the new mixtape episode yet?”

You felt yourself wake-up slightly, just at the mention of it. “Yes, I have.”

“Good,” Jimin said plainly, as if he had already known your answer. Which of course he had because he knows you always stop everything and listen the second a mixtape episode drops.

“Why?” You asked, but this was Jimin, your best friend, and so you weren’t at all that surprised by his response.

“Let’s go get some flashcards.”

﹍﹎ ﹍﹎ ﹍﹎

It had been four days since the episode that had caused, what a good portion of your college-campus deemed as ‘flashcard frenzy,’ had dropped. The bookstore, nearby Wal-Marts and office supply chains were suddenly selling flashcards at an alarming rate, so much so that they moved displays of them to the front just for easy access. It was quite honestly the most hilarious phenomenon you had ever witnessed. Too bad you had yet to try the study tip.

Your test was already so close, and you didn’t have time to play around with the idea. You needed to pass, you needed an A, you needed to set the goddamn curve, you apparently needed fucking Sugar between your legs. Christ, what was wrong with you? You didn’t even know the guy. Not his name, face, anything.

But beside that fact, your mind was coursing with stress and possibly every shred of knowledge you could have about anatomy without knowing the important details, and it was beginning to take its toll on you. You could barely keep your eyes open in your other classes today and not even Jimin coming by to cheer you up with food helped. But regardless of that you needed to at least try and study some more, which is why you were currently wandering the library in search of an open table. However, it somehow seemed that every person enrolled in your school had a test coming up because all of the tables were packed, not a spare seat in sight.

“Why, why, why?” You mumbled to yourself as you continued to pass table after table that held zero vacancies.

It was loud on the first floor of the library, as it was mostly used for group studying, or just people who disliked pure silence. You were the latter, unable to concentrate in the cold atmosphere where a sudden cough, or someone rummaging through their backpack could send your focus off the rails. You much preferred a constant stream of noise.

You made your way through the entirety of the first floor with no luck in finding a table to study at, and you were close to giving up and going to the on-campus Starbucks because it never failed to be noisy in there, but then in the corner of your eye you caught sight of a table with a free chair. You breathed a sigh of relief too soon however, because you quickly realized that there was someone sitting on the opposite side of the relatively tiny table compared to the rest in the library.

Normally you would’ve tried to search around a bit more, because you didn’t like feeling as if you were invading someone’s personal space, but knowing how packed out the building was, you knew this was as good as it was going to get. So you tentatively began your strides forward until you were approaching the table, the stranger’s hair hanging down over his eyes as he stared at a textbook.

You internally raised your pitch into a politer tone. “Uhm, hi. Is anyone sitting here?”

In hindsight, you probably should’ve known the second his beanie-clad head lifted, sending a sudden swirl of something hot to the pit of your stomach, that it was a pretty obvious sign that you were beyond fucked. His feline eyes met yours, seemingly cold at first glance, barely covered by his fringe from beneath his hat. You felt yourself gulp slightly, breath stalling just by a fraction as the question you had asked him approximately three seconds prior started to fade. So much so, that when he answered with a kind and polite, “no there isn’t, you can take it,” you kept standing and staring at him like an idiot before you registered the words moments later, and with ample amounts of clumsiness finally took the seat across from him.

“Thank you,” You mumbled, slightly embarrassed of your less than stealth gawking. You thought you even managed to catch an amused smile tracing the stranger’s lips as you snuck another glance, only causing another wave of heat to streamline its way to your face.

You tried to keep your head down as much as possible as you pulled your laptop, papers, and… flashcards, from you backpack, in order to cut down on the chances of accidently staring at your tablemate again. However, this proved more difficult than expected. Your eyes almost forcibly prying themselves from the mess of your studies to catch a glance at the way he was leaning his temple against the capped end of his pen. You found the gesture cute for some reason, especially as he began to tap it against his skin, presumably as he thought through whatever he was working on. Curiosity seized you further as you slid your sights downwards to the textbook sitting before the stranger. Even upside down you could tell that the cover read ‘Calculus’ in bold letters, with several equations that you had forgotten long ago in high school, branching out as a decoration of sorts.

Math, definitely not your strong suit. But really you weren’t sure if you even had what you could call a strong suit in any subject… Especially as you finally returned your eyes to your own belongings, the power points glaring off of your computer screen and a high stack of flash cards sitting so dauntingly before you.

You sighed deeply as you tried to further arrange your side of things on the small table, the reluctance to get started pitted its way deep into the recesses of your procrastination-geared brain. It was in this flurry of trying to figure out where you should even start, that you noticed the low-battery of your laptop. You quickly pulled out the charger from your backpack, already moving to lean underneath the table when you realized that the outlet was in fact right next to the boy in front of you. You paused, realizing that there was no way to get to it without asking him to plug it in for you. You had barely been able to ask for a seat without stuttering and staring like an idiot, so it looked to be time for round-two of making yourself look like a fool in front of unreasonably cute guys.

You inhaled, preparing your pitch to be a bit higher, “Hi, sorry to bother you again,” You began, voice drenched with that robotic politeness that people tended to reserve for strangers. He immediately looked up, one headphone hanging haphazardly out of his ear, and again you felt a slight stutter oncoming. Goddammit, why were his lips so pouty? His eyes so… smoldering? “But, uhm, do you think you could plug this in for me?” You managed to finish, motioning towards the charger in your hand.

His blank expression shifted into something softer. “Yeah, no problem,” He answered simply as he reached across the table to take the cord from your hand.

“Thank you,” You replied as he leaned down to plug the charger into the wall.

You were expecting a return to silence after the short exchange, already pulling your headphones out of the middle pocket of your hoodie in fact, but it was the sudden resurgence of his voice that had you pausing.

“What’re you stressing over?” He asked, his voice a bit louder, a bit clearer, and for some very odd reason a bit… familiar? You weren’t quite sure of why this was, but his tone felt almost nostalgic for some reason. It sent a flooded rush through your chest as he somehow managed to illicit a strange sense of comfort around you. “Only been here for like five minutes and you already seem sort of done with it, y’know?” He was smiling as he finished his question, and wow did that only make your throat run dryer.

You watched the way his lips curved to one side in a sly sort of smile. It was the type of smile that seemed implicative even when it was totally innocent, the sideways grin of confident curiosity pulling on the nerves hiding deep within your belly.

“Anatomy,” You finally answered after staring a bit too long again. “Yeah… I’m sort of fucked.” You decided to answer bluntly, because really there was no point in fronting when the overwhelming anxiety could be seen clearly on your face.

“Definitely been there.” His smile reached his eyes at this, the gums of his teeth peeking through, which almost instantly transformed his grin into something less innately cocky and more so candy sweet. “And I mean like actually been there. I was a biomed major before I switched to engineering.” He raised his textbook to show off the cover filled with various math equations.

“Oh my god, did you pass? —Fuck, sorry you don’t have to answer that.” The question passed your lips before you could process that it might be a bit rude. But he simply laughed in response to your sudden exclamation.

“No, you’re good. But yeah, I passed. With an ‘A’ actually — not to brag.”

Your mouth dropped. “Seriously? How the hell? It’s so much information.”

“Just… Proper study motivation,” He chuckled, and you weren’t sure of what he meant until you saw his eyes dart towards your flashcards. He had only looked at them for maybe half a second at most, and yet the action suddenly had a rush of heat climbing up the back of your neck. You could tell from the slight smirk marking his lips that he knew exactly what he had done, and it only made your face grow warmer. However, thankfully it didn’t seem as if he was expecting you to answer because he immediately changed the subject. “But really it’s not as hard as it seems. You just have to know how to compartmentalize everything, so it’s not so overwhelming.”

How the hell was he going to go from insinuating that you just needed some oral motivation to compartmentalization is key? But not that you were complaining… Especially if he was insulating himself.

However, you were still a bit flustered, so your response came out a bit stuttered. “Uhm y-yeah, easier said than done.”

He seemed to enjoy this reaction from you though. He bit at his lip slightly as he smiled, clearly in amusement form your response.

“My name’s Yoongi by the way,” He said suddenly, allowing you to turn your attention from his mouth and onto something that was appropriate.

“I’m Y/N.”

“Well, Y/N, I’ll let you get back to studying.” After that the boy you now knew as Yoongi leaned slightly over the tiny table to get a better look at the page you were on. “Looks like you’re on the skull. Just a tip, focus on the foramen and the openings. She’s obsessed with questions about contents. I know it’s a lot easier to start studying when you have something to focus on.”

“Yeah that does actually help. Thank you.” You flashed him a quick smile before turning your eyes down to your textbook. You found yourself taking Yoongi’s advice, focusing first on the contents of the openings in the skull — too bad there were about ten million fucking openings in the goddamn skull. And it was after about thirty minutes of just trying to memorize them straight from the textbook that you realized it just wasn’t working. It looked like those flashcards were going to come in handy after all.

You felt yourself about to reach for them on the edge of the table, but then you remembered something, causing you to hesitate. It was the way Yoongi’s eyes had locked onto the flashcards with insinuation earlier that made a chill run down your spine. You wanted to reach for them, but for some reason you felt self-conscious… But maybe you were being silly? Maybe it had just been coincidence? And besides that, you honestly didn’t have time to waste with wondering. Your test was in two days, you needed to focus on anatomy and not the possible things that this boy you had spoken less than ten sentences to could do with his mouth.

After a few moments to collect yourself and continuing to revel in your dramatics, you finally reached for the pack of flashcards. You couldn’t help but let your eyes wander to Yoongi’s face as you did so in order to gauge his reaction. But to your surprise there wasn’t one. His eyes kept themselves trained onto the pages of his textbook. Because of this you felt rather silly. See it wasn’t a big deal, you had just made it one. You felt yourself relax into the chair once more as you began to pick at the plastic surrounding the cards until it finally opened. You pulled out a couple from the stack and then readied yourself to start writing out all of the contents that you needed to know.

However, it was the second glance you spared him as your pen hit the paper (because his attractiveness was an obvious distraction for you) that you saw his crooked grin once more. His eyes met yours, but this time he didn’t pull away, instead he kept you locked in. You felt your breath catch in your throat for a second, until you finally just lost it at how completely insane this entire situation was, since clearly it was no longer a secret that both of you knew what was running through the other’s mind. You released the tiniest of laughs and a playful roll of your eyes as you began to tap the end of your pen against the flashcard, still not breaking eye contact.

“Need help with something?” Yoongi asked with a flirty smile, not even trying to hide his motivations now.

You couldn’t help but scoff at the blatancy, even though you knew that it was affecting you in the exact way that he was intending it to. “Do you offer help to everyone that sits across from you at the library?” You felt yourself lean over the table as you said the words, and Yoongi seemed to follow your lead, leaving the smallest of spaces between the two of you.

“Not at all,” He replied, confidence dripping past his lips. “Just you, honestly. You’re someone that looks like they need help focusing, who happens to have an unopened pack of flashcards that they seemed to have purchased for a certain reason. But please tell me if I’m wrong or if you’re just not interested. If that’s the case, then I’ll be happy to help you study in whatever… mundane way that you want. I’ll even spot you a coffee.”

Your face must have distorted into something of absolute disbelief, because Yoongi suddenly couldn’t control his laughter, putting his cute, gummy-smile back on display. But eventually you reined your expression back in as you let the madness of what was being offered to you settle in.

“Hmm, free coffee or oral… Tough choice, honestly,” You whispered across the table so that anyone close by wouldn’t hear.

At this Yoongi propped his arm onto the table and rested his head against his palm. “Well, since I know that anatomy struggle, I could also spot you some coffee regardless.”

“Wow, you must really wanna go down on me?” You asked, amused, and he simply shrugged as if to say, you’re not wrong. “Why the interest?”

“Do I have to have a big reason?” He asked, letting his hand fall back onto the table. “You’re cute, you need help on a test for a class I’ve taken… I’m just offering a friendly service.” He never stopped grinning at you in that crooked sort of way that made you feel like you were in the corner of some house party instead of the library.

“That’s it? With those standards you should give head to half the girls on campus then.”

“Well, half the girls on campus didn’t sit in front of me with a pack of flashcards meant for something a little less than academic, now did they? Plus, you’ve just looked really cute sighing at your textbook for the past thirty minutes.”

“Thanks, dickhead,” You scoffed playfully. “Glad my suffering is cute to you.”

“It’s very cute,” He mused. “But how about this? You don’t actually have any flashcards done, but lucky for you I remember the contents of the skull, so I can quiz you anyways. Wanna do a practice round.”

Your brows furrowed in confusion, but admittedly it piqued your interest. “Practice round? Don’t exactly think you’re brave enough to lay me out on this table and just go for it in the middle of the library.”

“Wanna see if that’s true?” He asked, a certain fire flaring across his eyes. It sent a swirl of arousal through your lower stomach, but you quickly pulled it back in.  

“Maybe another time. So what’s this practice round all about?”

Your question had him moving his chair closer to the table, in fact it had him moving as close as he possibly could, with his stomach now pressed completely against the wooden edge.

“I’m gonna ask you a question, and please feel free to say no, okay?” He whispered, once again leaning over the table.

“Okay,” You nodded with a bit of excitement.

You watched as Yoongi looked from side to side to make sure that there was no one close by. Everyone around you was a good enough distance away that they couldn’t hear what you were saying, and those that were walking past your table seemed to be doing so quickly enough that they wouldn’t be able to catch anything either.

“Can I touch you?” He finally asked, his whisper turning huskier.

Your eyes widened, lust building. “H-here?”

“No one will be able to see, promise. But if you don’t want to, that’s totally okay too.”

The thud of your heart was beating with a dangerous mix of nerves and exhilaration as the words settled between the two of you. “Like… Touch how?” You finally asked after a couple of seconds of mulling it over.

“Just over your pants. If you move your chair closer our knees will be touching. No way anyone will see anything.”

You sighed, smiling because you know that you really shouldn’t do this, but the answer has already been decided by the wetness between your thighs.

“Why’re you tempting me like this? I just met you. I don’t even know your last name, and I’m about to let you basically finger me in a goddamn library.”

“Would knowing my last name make you feel less guilty?” He chuckled.

“Maybe?”

“It’s Min. My major is audio engineering. I’m a senior, graduating in spring. Let’s see… I love rap music. I have a dog named Holly… Any other random facts you’d like to know?”

Somewhere in that rambling sentence of just listening to him speak about himself, your chair was already pushing itself closer to the edge of the table until your knees were clashing with Yoongi’s beneath it. “How about how fast you can make me cum?” You asked boldly, your hesitance turning to dust the second his hand found its way on top of your thigh.

“Wow, someone’s not as shy as they let on.” Yoongi tongued along the top of his teeth as he broke out into a grin. “Well, if we were talking normal circumstances I’d say quicker than you’d probably want, but since this is a game about what you know, then I can’t really say.”

“I literally met you an hour ago…” You trailed off, throwing your hands into your face to hide the embarrassment. “Gahh, I can’t believe I’m about to do this!”

“You know this is only making you cuter, right?” You heard him say, your face still covered. “But really, if you’re uncomfortable then we don’t have to.” You felt your hands suddenly being pulled from your face, and Yoongi appeared with a look of sincerity.

“No, that’s the thing. I really want to, even though I know I shouldn’t.” You sighed, dropping your head onto your textbook. “Why do you have to be so hot? It’s not fair.”

“Oh, so you’re just using me for my good looks then?”

“Don’t forget about your brain,” You said. After all you were only considering this because he had taken anatomy… Yeah, totally no other reason.

“Ah, glad my intellect hasn’t been overshadowed by the things you’re picturing my mouth and hands doing to you right now.” You bit at your lip to try and stifle the grin that threatened to split across your face, and Yoongi seemed highly amused with your failed attempt.

After that you let a few moments of silence settle between the two of you. You tapped your fingers across the wooden part of the table, heavy sighs of contemplation coming one after another. But Yoongi didn’t seem to be impatient at all. He simply continued to sit across from you, the slightest upward quirk laying at the corner of his mouth as he waited for your permission to start this game.

So finally, with one final sigh that rivaled all of those that came before it, you decided it was time to begin.

“Fine. First question.”

Yoongi’s grin splintered further at this. “You sure?”

“Yes. First question, please?”

“Okay,” He started, and then suddenly you felt the hand that had been resting on your knee for the better part of ten minutes began to move along the inside of your bare thigh. You thanked yourself heavily for wearing the loosest of jogging shorts today. “I’ll start off with an easy one.”

You simply nodded, too afraid that your voice would break if you tried to speak.

“Contents of the hypoglossal canal?” He asked the question as he leaned closer into the table, his eyes turning darker, more carnal.

“Hypoglossal nerve.” You answered quickly, breath stalling in your throat as his fingers pressed further into your skin.

“Good,” He whispered, something sweet in his voice. “But just relax, okay?”

His hand didn’t move, and you could tell it was because he was waiting for your limbs to lose some of their tension. You nodded, taking in a deep breath as you let yourself sink more freely into the chair, before reaching beneath the table to place your hand on top of Yoongi’s.

“My first reward, please?” You said, finally pushing any source of hesitance from your voice.

Yoongi’s grip tightened suddenly, his expression shifting. “Yes, ma’am,” He said, allowing his hand to finally roam.

Your resulted gasp was as silent as you could possibly manage. So deliberate, confident and precise, Yoongi felt his way slowly along the thinness of your shorts. He watched your expression carefully as he searched for the place that would make your blood run hot. He didn’t seem to be in a rush, however, just exploring at his leisure, taking in every twitch that he could illicit from you. But in the end, it was the timely flinch of your knee against his own beneath the table that tipped him off.

“Here?” He asked, smirking now that he had his thumb pressed against something that could cause you to scream out if he applied the proper stimulation. You nodded, bringing your hand up to rest your head against it, but also to have a quick way to muffle any noises that you couldn’t manage to subdue at any time during this… study session. “Okay, what number cranial nerve is that?” He asked, after finally pausing his movements, leaving his hand to rest against your hip with him thumb still snuggly pressed in place.

“Uh… t-twelve.”

“Correct.”

You watched as Yoongi let his other hand slip beneath the table until you felt it rest along the top of one of your knees. Thankfully he seemed to do this with purpose, because the second his thumb caressed along your center one more, your leg twitched, almost slamming itself into the top of the table if not for him applying pressure to keep it anchored to the ground.

“Sorry,” You breathed out in a rushed apology.

“You’re good,” He said as he continued to rub against your shorts. You could already feel the wetness beginning to cling to them, and there’s no doubt that Yoongi could feel it as well. “I’ve got you. Just focus on the answers, okay?”

“Okay.” You didn’t manage a response until he finally stilled, giving you a second to inhale the breath that you hadn’t realized was lodged statically in your throat.  

“Next question: contents of foramen rotundum?”

You actually knew this one as well, but it seemed that Yoongi was intentionally giving you the easy ones since it was highly apparent that you had only been half-studying this entire time, while the other had been completely focused on him.

“Maxillary nerve.”

His expression was stoic as he began his movements once more. You supposed that one of you needed to look that way. After all, you most certainly weren’t exactly doing a great job of being discreet. Your nails dug into the table, your bottom lip indented with the harsh tug of your teeth, your feet pawing at the carpet with each motion of Yoongi’s fingers.

However, even with all of this happening… It didn’t feel like enough. It already felt so nice through your shorts, so you couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like without anything holding him back. Picturing each swipe of his finger over your bare clit was enough to have you biting at the palm of your hand.

“Next question?” He asked, relaxing his hand against you in order to relieve the pressure.

“Yes, but…” You trailed off, not entirely sure of how to ask for what you wanted.

“But? Do you want me to stop?” He sounded concerned, and you could already feel him starting to pull his hand away. But you quickly reached beneath the table, wrapping your hand around his wrist, keeping him in place.

“No, please don’t stop.” This sounded a bit whinier than you had intended, but Yoongi seemed to appreciate it greatly. His expression was smug, and for some reason you found that it made the entire experience more thrilling.

“Tell me what you want then.” His voice was deeper as he said this. And once you again you were consumed with this strange sense of familiarity it. But just as you had decided before, you couldn’t pinpoint it, and you were a bit too busy at the moment to dwell on it.

“Uhm, can I just show you?” You asked, in the tiniest of whispers, but with the way Yoongi’s eyes lit up with intrigue, you knew that he had heard you perfectly clear.

“I have a feeling I already know what it is, but just to save myself from being presumptuous…” He trailed off, and you felt his hand fall limp against your hip. “Show the way.” And so, with your hand still wrapped firmly around Yoongi’s wrist, you urged him further until his touch was guided inside the leg of your shorts, and well, he didn’t need much more direction after that, and your reaction perfectly showed that.

“Yoon—" You quickly slapped your hand over your mouth as Yoongi wasted no name pushing the barrier of your panties to the side, his touch spreading your abundant slickness around with ease. “I-I didn’t even answer the question yet.”

“It’s a freebie,” He grinned, letting his hand fall away slightly. “And seeing how wet you are I don’t think you exactly mind.”

You breathed a sigh of relief. “You’d be correct.”

“Then let’s keep going. What cranial nerve is the maxillary nerve a branch of?”

“Uhm… what was that mnemonic again?” You asked, sliding further into your chair and by consequence (or reward) further into Yoongi’s grasp. “Oh, Oh, Oh, To Touch And Feel Velvet… or something… Olfactory, Optic, Oculomotor, Trochlear — Trigeminal! …Right?”

“It’s To Touch And Feel Very Good Velvet Ah Heaven. But yeah, that’s right,” He chuckled. “But I’ve always found that the one about To Touch And Feel A Girl’s Vagina Ah Heaven, is a lot easier to remember.”

You had never rolled your eyes so fiercely yet amusedly at the same time. “Jesus Christ, are you really making that joke when—” Suddenly the pad of his thumb was pressing down along your heat, the words dissipating on your tongue.

“You were saying?”

“P-prick.”

He shrugged. “Been called worse.”

“Oh, you’re saying someone who offers sexual services to random people they meet at the library has a bit of an edgy side? Shocking.”

“Quite edgy, actually.” You both managed a laugh at this, as his motions against your center had ceased. “Next question?”

“Yup.”

“Let’s see…” Yoongi trailed off, squinting his eyes as he pondered another question. It was in this moment of hesitation that you finally got another moment to just look at him. The way his feline eyes remained so calm as he searched for something to ask you. The fringe of his hair settling outside of his beanie. He looked so casual, as if he wasn’t sitting across from you with his hand down your pants.

“What, hotshot, out of questions already?”

“Looks like someone’s just eager for me to touch them again. See how productive this game can make you?” Yes, you most certainly could see it. In fact, your legs were already starting to twitch in anticipation for the question, which thankfully came soon after. “Contents of the foramen lacerum? Go.”

Shit. “Uhm…”

“Oh, that’s too bad.” Yoongi’s expression turned smug, his hand suddenly pulling itself from your shorts, making the most embarrassing of whines leave your throat.

“Next question?” You said, eagerness taking its grip around you.

“Contents of foramen ovale?” He asked this question with a smile, probably because he knew you had no idea.

“Would it be safe to say that, that’s as far as you got in your studies? Mind was too busy thinking about… other things the entire time you’ve been here?”

“C’mon, you can’t just leave me like this.” Your voice was high-pitched and more on the pleading side, which normally would’ve stricken you with embarrassment, but thinking about his fingers on you again had your pride taking a temporary backseat.

“If I touched you even when you didn’t know the answer, then the game wouldn’t work, now would it?”

You pouted, brows furrowing, because of course you knew that he was right… but it didn’t mean you were happy about it. You let your head fall to land in your textbook, hoping that maybe you would just gain the information through osmosis instead. You heard Yoongi’s laughter ringing from above, and you simply grunted in annoyance as you turned to look at him.

“You’re mean.”

“Helping you study and fingering you is mean?”

“Okay, you’re like… a quarter mean.”

“Wow, I’d say three-fourths nice is a pretty good achievement.”

“Wouldn’t you rather be completely nice?” You asked, a bit of hope.

“That’s no fun,” He smirked. You groaned at this, burying your face further into the textbook. What the hell were you supposed to do now? Thankfully you weren’t spiraling in this self-pity for long, however, before Yoongi proposed something. “C’mon, let’s go.”

“What?” You asked, clearly confused as you lifted your head to face him. “Where are you trying to go?”

“I offered coffee, remember?” He was already standing up, shoving his things into his backpack. “And I’m going to help you actually study. No distractions… Well, not until you’re ready to be quizzed again at least.”

“Really? You’ll help me?”

His brows furrowed as he managed a laugh. “What do you think I’ve been doing this entire time?”

“I meant in a way that wasn’t… sexual,” You whispered up at him.

“Yes, I promise. The tables at the coffee shop aren’t nearly as spaced out as these. But if you’d like to try, I’m—”

“I’m good,” You giggled, standing up to playfully bat him across the chest. “Seriously though, thanks for doing this… All of this, I guess.” You could feel your face heating up, which you then thought was rather silly considering everything that just happened between the two of you in such a short span of time.

“Don’t thank me until you’ve passed.” Yoongi rounded the table to join you on the other side. His smile was warm as he pressed his hand into your lower back, ushering you to follow in his stride. “But c’mon, time for you to learn what’s in that pretty head of yours.”

﹍﹎ ﹍﹎ ﹍﹎

“Why are there so many goddamn openings in our heads with so much shit running through all of them?”

“Makes us the high-functioning organisms that we are, so we can in fact question why we have so many goddamn openings in our heads with so much shit running through them.”

You sighed. “Do you have to be so… Level-headed? Can’t you mope with me?”

“Moping is for people who don’t know the contents of the foramen lacerum. Which I do, and you don’t, so my side of the table is unfortunately a no moping zone.” Yoongi simply smiled at your annoyed squint and the pout of your lip. “C’mon, keep studying.”

“Fine,” You sighed, exasperated, as you returned to making your flashcards.

Yoongi ended up taking you to a café located across the street from your campus. It was one that you had never actually been to before, but it was nice, nonetheless. The wooden interior gave it a quaint and homey vibe that allowed you to feel a bit more at ease. Paintings and tapestries hung along the walls, all while the smell of coffee and freshly baked pastries wafted through the air.

The two of you had been here for only twenty minutes or so, but Yoongi was already pestering you to focus. Normally these pressures from friends or others wouldn’t do anything to help tighten your attention span, but a certain promise from Yoongi involving another round of ‘quizzing’ you tomorrow at his apartment helped to fuel your desire to absorb all of this information as quickly as possible. However, even with this newfound motivation, you couldn’t help yourself from taking little breaks here or there. Every couple of minutes or so after searing a new fact into your mind, you would allow yourself a moment to glance at Yoongi, who had also returned to studying.  

You watched the way he bit his bottom lip in concentration as he studied the pages. His fingers skimmed down the textbook as he followed along in order to work through the problem that he had started in his notebook. It was quite amusing actually, seeing him so serious after he had been so playful and teasing earlier. You weren’t sure how long you went on like this, just studying his face as a means of distraction. But it seemed that Yoongi was more perceptive of your actions than you realized because he was suddenly locking eyes with you, a knowing look shining off of them.

“Like something you see?”

“Let’s not pretend like you don’t already know that.”

“How could I not?” He asked, an amused smile playing on his lips. “You’ve been staring at me for the past ten minutes instead of studying. You know the game isn’t gonna go much better than last time if you still don’t know anything.”

You groaned at this, only because you knew he was right of course. “I know, I know—” You started to say, but fell off when your waitress suddenly appeared next to your table, coffees in hand.

“So sorry for the wait,” She said, placing the steaming cups down in front of you.

“No, you’re fine,” You assured her. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Please let me know if you guys need anything else.”

You nodded, and then watched as she went to tend to her other tables.

“Think you’ll be able to focus now?” Yoongi asked once you turned your attention back to him.

“Yeah, I’m sorry that I’m being like this,” You said, bringing your coffee up to your lips to blow cooling breaths over it. “I’m usually a lot better focused.”

“No, you’re fine. Sometimes when you know you have a ton of shit to learn, your brain just shuts off before it even has to start.”

“Exactly,” You said before taking a sip of your coffee. “—Gah, bitter.” Your face scrunched up at the unexpected taste, and Yoongi simply laughed at your misery.

“Bitter’s best,” He said, following your lead and taking a sip but seeming to enjoy it a great deal more.

“You’re crazy,” You said as you reached for the packets of sugar sitting on your table. “Sugar?” You asked, offering a packet to him. It was a simple enough gesture, but you watched as his eyes widened suddenly, and he choked on his drink, causing coffee to spill down the sides of his mouth “Oh my god, are you okay?” You reached across the table to pat him on the shoulder, waiting for his coughing to calm.

“Yeah, I’m good,” He said, but he was still coughing a bit.

“Geez, don’t die on me now,” You joked as you grabbed a few napkins to give to him. “You’re my motivator. Can’t have you choking to death.”

After wiping at the coffee that had spilled, he seemed to return to normal. A cheeky smile plastered across his face as he returned his sights to you, eyes shining playfully. “Glad that my body is so… motivating for you.”

“Very,” You said, deciding to indulge him. “But if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to studying now.”

“Oh, now you wanna study?”

“Gotta be ready for round two of my study session with you tomorrow, right? And who knows, maybe I’ll even help you out.” You shot Yoongi a playful wink before returning your attentions back down to your textbook, but not before seeing the intrigue flash across his eyes. “If you’re interested that is,” You said as you began to thumb along the pages.

“Quite interested,” You heard him whisper, a smile clearly heard in his voice.

﹍﹎ ﹍﹎ ﹍﹎

“Fuck okay, what else…” Yoongi trailed off as he kissed his way down the inside of your thigh, sweat dripping down his temple, anticipation for his return to your swollen heat keeping you perfectly paralyzed against his bed sheets. “Contents of the foramen spinosum?”

“Middle meningeal artery and vein, and uhm… the middle meningeal branch of the mandibular nerve.”

You sighed in relief, thankful that you weren’t going to be denied as you had a few times already since this session had begun. You had spent the entirety of yesterday studying and preparing and cramming as much information as you possibly could into your head, so that when you woke the next day and drove to the address that Yoongi had texted you once the two of you had parted ways at the coffee shop, you would be ready for anything that he threw your way. However, still you had already encountered a few inquiries from your stack of flashcards placed carefully next to the two of you, that had slipped your mind. But even with that being said, you were still much more knowledgeable than yesterday, meaning you were being rewarded much, much more.

“Ngh!” Yoongi gave you no warning as he pressed forward, his lips wrapping around and finding their way to your clit with ease. This had already been going on for some time, the slow and steady build of your orgasm rising and rising with each question, only for its fire to be extinguished every time Yoongi pulled away. And this time was certainly no exception as your fingers tugged through his hair as he receded from your center, arousal dripping from his slyly poised lips.

“Mad?” He teased, one hand gliding down your calf as the other grabbed for a flashcard.

“Not mad,” You huffed. “Just frustrated. I could’ve came like twenty minutes ago if you would just keep going.”

“I’m aware,” He chuckled as he leaned over to kiss you. “But if I just let you cum then you wouldn’t have much of an incentive to get the answer right. For example, I bet you’re not gonna forget the contents of the foramen lacerum now that you didn’t get what you want for not knowing it?”

He tilted his head at you in a way that told you to show him that he was right. You rolled your eyes, pouting, but with the correct answer already bubbling to the surface. “Internal carotid artery and internal carotid nerve plexus. Happy?”

“Yeah, and you should be too,” He whispered, nipping at the side of you neck, consequently pulling a sharp inhale towards your lungs. “You got it right. And what happens in this game when you get things right?” You watched his eyes turn dark as he made his way back down your body, head resting between your legs.

“Oh, g-god,” You stuttered, head collapsing back against the bed as Yoongi’s tongue began to caress against your wetness once more. “Just a little bit longer than the other ones, please?” You sounded high-pitched and wrecked, and it was for this reason that he seemed to oblige you. The usual couple of seconds that he had been giving you this entire time for a correct answer turned longer, more deliberate and concentrated as you began to ride your hips against his face. The breath rattled from your throat as you urged him forward by his hair, his satisfied groans making the building pressure in your stomach flare wildly. “I — Yoongi, I’m—” Your words sounded strangled as the pleasure made it difficult for you to string together a coherent sentence. But much to your dismay, that ability was returned to you all too quickly as Yoongi broke away.

“Better?”

You shook your head from side to side. “You don’t understand how close I am.”

“Trust me, I know.” He felt his way down your thighs as if to comfort you a bit, but you didn’t miss the look of pure amusement on his face as he did so.

“Just ask me another damn question.”

He simply grinned to himself as he grabbed for another flashcard. “Contents of the internal acoustic meatus?”

“Internal acoustic meatus? Okay that’s cranial nerve… seven?” You looked up at Yoongi for confirmation who gave you a small nod, but gave a motion to let you know that there was more. “Fuck, what is it? Cranial nerve seven…” You trailed off, bringing your hands up to your temples to try and knead the information out of the recesses of your brain.

“Ah, too bad. Looks like that one’s a bust.”

“Wait!” You exclaimed, grabbing Yoongi’s wrist before he could place the card in the pile of ones that you had gotten wrong. Which to your credit, honestly wasn’t many. But it still pained you seeing a tangible version of all that you could’ve had. “Just give me a second. Internal acoustic meatus: cranial nerve seven… and eight?” You paused, looking to Yoongi for confirmation, which he gave.

“Still one more.”

“One more?” You huffed in defeat because you were perfectly aware that you didn’t know it. “Fuck, whatever, just tell me.”

“Labrynthine artery.”

“What a stupid fucking name for an artery.”

Yoongi snorted in amusement at your clearly escalating frustrations. “Could be said for a lot of medical terminologies,” He said, setting the card down onto the bed. “Probably why I couldn’t keep with it.”

“Yeah, who knows, maybe I’ll be an audio engineer with you next semester.”

“I certainly wouldn’t mind that. Then I’d be studying even when I’m the one doing the giving.”

You smiled. “Yeah, wouldn’t that work out perfectly.”

“Too bad we didn’t take this class together. I’m sure you’d have so much fun edging me.”

“What do you mean?” You asked, brows furrowing. “I’m still going to have fun edging you. You have a test coming up too, right?”

“Shit, maybe I should be nicer to you then.” You both laughed as he leaned over to place soft pecks against the center of your chest as if to smooth over everything. “Ready for the last one?”

“One condition,” You said, running your fingers through the locks of his hair.

“What’s that?” He whispered as he nosed along the side of your face.

“If I get it right then you can’t stop until I cum.”

His motions paused as he brought his head back to look at you. “Rules are you have to get them all. We still have to go through the stack of ones that you got wrong.” He said this, yet you could see the tiniest break in his resolve as he bit contemplatively at his lip.

“Fine, decide after the question — which I will be getting right.”

“Ah, love the confidence.” He leaned back, picking up the final card. “Well I’d hope that you’d get this one right. Contents of the posterior ethmoidal foramen?”

“Thank fuck,” You sighed, already shifting on the bed in anticipation. “Ethmoidal artery, vein and nerve.”

“Correct.” You watched the way Yoongi’s lips tilted mischievously as he readied himself to position himself back between your legs, but before he could you cupped the side of his face, momentarily keeping him in place.

“Please?” You voice was barely that of a whisper, soft as you gave him one final, pleading glance. You could practically see his resolution fade into oblivion. His mouth parted slightly, pupils quaking as he stared back at you. You watched the way his throat bobbed as he swallowed his tenacity down, leaving room for your needs to settle in its place.

Yoongi’s eyes tore down your face, carving a certain animalistic aura into the air. Suddenly his lips were on yours, fiercer than any encounter that you had shared thus far. It made the fading ache in your belly return with full force. His hands pressed hot into your sides as you scratched your nails down his back, desire brimming from both of you until it spilled over in an almost primal craving for one another. Suddenly you felt yourself being flipped over, now straddling his thighs. The change in position was surprising but certainly welcomed. You could now see the way Yoongi’s bare chest flared with each and every breath, his eyes glimmering with lust that rivaled your own.

“C’mere,” He breathed, reaching up to cup your face, urging you back to him. Your tongue parted his lips, encouraging him to take more as the two of you seemingly couldn’t get close enough to each other. He gently teethed down the side of your jaw as your hips began to grind into his hardened cock that was pressing firmly through his pants.

“Fuck, I—” You tried to say.

“—Ride my face.”

Your eyes widened as Yoongi whispered the words against your mouth, the sudden thrill sending a new wave of yearning through your blood. “Really?” You finally responded, almost in disbelief.

“You did good today,” He said, bringing you in for a brief kiss. “Wanna let you cum.”

You felt your skin shiver as the words fanned across your lips.

“Fuck, yes,” Was all you could manage before you were sitting up and placing your knees on either side of Yoongi’s face.

You watched the way he stared up at your dripping heat, hunger lining his eyes as a shaky breath left his chest. “C’mere, baby,” He sighed as his hands found their way to your hips and wasted no time pulling them down to connect his mouth to your wetness.

“Ngh — Yoongi!” You yelled out before you could stop yourself, hands clamoring for balance against the headboard as Yoongi already had his tongue circling your clit. His hands kept you steady, however, his fingers dug into your hips as he urged you to rock against his face. “You’re so g-good.”

The praise had Yoongi groaning and loosening his hold on you. When you tilted your head to the side, you found that he was pushing his pants and boxers down his thighs. His cock was swollen and red as it slapped back against his stomach, and your breath was ragged as you watched him wrap his hand around himself, thumb sliding against the tip.

Seeing him pleasure himself as he relentlessly attended to your aching center made a burning hotness clamor inside of you. Suddenly you were reaching back, curling your fingers around his member so you could take over for him. You felt his breathy sigh against your heat as you began to pump his length. His hand fell on top of yours, tightening your grip to show you the pressure and motion that he liked. “F-fuck, yeah, just like that,” He stuttered once you got it, his hands returning to your hips, guiding you as he rode you along the flat of his tongue.

And you both just kept going like this, basking in the pleasure as your highs were brought closer and closer to their end. Though for you, since you had been on the brink of your orgasm for some time now, it started building much quicker than you had anticipated, now that Yoongi wasn’t holding back.

You felt your stomach start to tighten as the pressure readied itself to snap. Your breath seemingly caught in your throat as the hand not occupied with Yoongi’s cock, reached down to thread itself into his hair.

“Gonna c-cum,” You whispered, voice breaking to pieces as he painted slow but perfect strokes of his tongue against your center.

The sudden release of your high splintered throughout your body, sending shivers down your thighs. You released your grip on Yoongi’s cock as you fell forward, taking hold of the headboard once more to steady your shaking limbs. He didn’t seem to mind, however. He simply picked up where you left off, stroking himself along, all while he continued to lap victoriously at his accomplishments as it ran down your thighs, not stopping until you were pushing him away with overstimulation.

You peered down between your legs, meeting his gaze. It sent another crash of lust through you, staring at his swollen lips and his pupils blown out so wide. You watched as he hissed in pleasure beneath you, and you turned slightly to see that he was still stroking himself along. You were going to offer to finish him, but before you could find the energy to even say the words he was already offering his own resolution.

“Can I cum on your back?” He asked, voice raspy. “Feel free to say no—”

“—Yes.”

You were already moving down, straddling his stomach as you tilted your head to see him start to thrust into his fist. Your brows furrowed, mouth falling slack as you watched him milk himself towards his orgasm much more vigorously now that he had your permission. But the lowly grunts that you could hear beginning to build in his throat made you turn to face him once again. Your breath stuttered in your lungs as you took in the way his neck was bared back, messy bed-head fanning out across the pillow.

“Yeah, keep looking at me,” He hissed out between clenched teeth, his grip finding its way onto your thigh for something to hold onto. Your hand found his way on top of his, squeezing as you felt his stomach start to tense up beneath you as he got closer to reaching his end. “Fuck, Y/N.”

He didn’t last much longer after that, and you marveled as his face contorted in pleasure upon finding his release. It was in that same moment that you gasped at the feeling of his cum suddenly hitting the center of your back. You shivered at the feeling, glancing down to see the heavy rise and fall of Yoongi’s chest as the warmth of his release began to dribble down your skin.

“Here,” Yoongi huffed, guiding you to lay on your stomach next to him. “I’ll get a towel.”

You simply nodded at him before collapsing your head against the bed, mind hazy and exhausted. You honestly could’ve fallen asleep right there, shrouded in the scent of yours and Yoongi’s time together. It was nice for some reason, peaceful even. And this strange feeling only grew further as you felt Yoongi wipe the towel against your back, erasing the path of his seed.

“Thanks,” You mumbled.

“No problem,” He replied after setting the towel down and running his palm down your newly cleaned skin. “Got a bit ahead of ourselves, didn’t we?”

“Happy we did. I needed that.” You smiled, rolling over to cuddle into his side.

“Glad I could be of some assistance,” He chuckled.

You both just laid like that for a while, not saying anything specific, just pointless rambling. But again, it just felt nice. You watched the way his gums appeared anytime he found something particularly endearing, and the way his lips would droop at the corners anytime it wasn’t his turn to speak. You found that there were a lot of things to notice about Min Yoongi in those moments of just laying next to him, allowing your mind not to be shadowed by the stresses of—

“My test,” You groaned as you sat up, because the shadow returned almost as quickly as you had pushed it away, and now it was clouding your mind with guilt of wasting such precious study time. “I gotta go.”

You watched the corners of his mouth transform into a pout as you got off of the bed to pull on your clothes that were scattered across the floor. Once you were finally dressed, he joined your side, trusty flashcards in hand.

“You know all of these. You’re gonna do great.” He said, pressing them into your hand.

You smiled, the gesture making something kick wildly in your chest. “Thanks, Yoongi.”

“Let me know how the test goes tomorrow, okay?” He said as he led you to the doorway.

“If it goes well I’ll let you know. If you don’t hear from me it’s because I’m contemplating becoming an audio engineer.”

Yoongi split into a grin as he backed you up against the wall next to the door. “Well, I’d certainly be okay with helping you study for those classes as well.” And then he was kissing you, the gentlest kiss that the two of you had shared, in fact. It was brief, nothing extra, just the soft press of his lips against yours before he was pulling away.

“Are you secretly hoping I fail now?” You asked jokingly as you reached up to toy with a strand of his hair that was sticking up.

“I would never,” He chuckled as he softly thumbed along your jaw.

The motion felt oddly… right. As if he had done that to you a thousand times. Those types of thoughts were dangerous of course, so you pushed it into a dusty corner of your mind as soon as you registered it. Plus, you had the feeling that if you dwelled in his apartment any longer things would escalate once again, and you still had a ton of things to study for.

“Well, I gotta get outta here,” You said after a few moments.

He seemed to sigh in what you could only describe as disappointment, which admittedly made you feel a bit giddy.

“Okay,” He said, reaching to open the door for you. “Really though, let me know how it goes, yeah?”

“I will,” You smiled, leaning over to give him a quick peck on the lips before stepping over the threshold. “Bye, Yoongi.”

﹍﹎ ﹍﹎ ﹍﹎

“Finally,” You huffed to yourself as you made your way into your room, wasting no time in throwing your things to the side and laying out face first on your bed. With relief and comfort now wrapped around you, you pulled your phone from your pocket, allowing yourself to just enjoy some leisure time now that you didn’t have any tests looming over your head.

It had been two days since your study session with Yoongi and one day since your test. Yesterday after you got home from anatomy, you sent a very brief text to Yoongi, telling him that you thought the test had gone okay, before immediately knocking out and not waking up until you had to leave for class this morning. Since then you guys had been texting casually, nothing too serious, just some heavy flirtation as you tried to distract yourself from checking to see if your grade had been posted every five minutes.

However, it was as if fate knew that needed something more to keep you occupied, because as you were continuing to casually scroll through your phone, a certain notification appeared across the screen: mixtape episode 9 has just been released

“Yes!” You said aloud as you quickly reached for your backpack to retrieve your headphones. Wasting no time, you shoved them into your ears as you pressed down on the notification to take you straight to the episode. The familiar opening danced through your headphones almost immediately.  

“Hello, welcome back to mixtape!” Jay began as enthusiastic as always. “We have a very exciting topic today. Sugar, would you like to remind everyone what it is?”

You heard a heavy sigh filter through the mic. And in hindsight, you should have realized right in that first heady breath why it was so exhilarating, but you decided to let the strangeness linger in the recesses of your head.  

“Today’s topic is…” He trailed off, letting a moment of silence fall between them. “Oh, you’re not gonna interrupt today?” Sugar asked, surprised.

“What can I say? I’ve changed my ways.”

“Uhuh, whatever you say, champ.” Clearly, he was skeptical. “But anyways, today’s topic is—”

“—Sex!”

“Jesus,” You heard him whisper to himself, but you could somehow tell that it was in amusement rather than annoyance. “Why’re you like this?”

“What you get for not believing me,” Jay replied. “But anyways, since no one wants to hear us argue, let’s start with… I don’t know, where do you want to start?”

“Probably the protection part,” Sugar offered.

“Oh yeah. Well, I’m sure you all know this but there’s condoms all over campus. They’re literally free, so there’s like no excuse.”

“They’re at the health center, the gym. Take advantage of all that shit your tuition’s going to, people.”

“Yeah, trust me, you don’t wanna be in that rapid STD testing line at the end of the semester. It’s the most nerve-wracking, suffocating room that you’ll ever be in.”

“Well, you should still get tested every once in a while anyways. But yeah, if you don’t wanna feel like you’re gonna vomit on the floor while you wait, then yeah.”

“You would know,” Jay giggled across the mic.

“This is true,” Sugar admitted. “Freshman mistakes, my friends. But guess who always has a condom on them now?”

“Good to know.”

“But anyways, now that we’ve got that PSA out of the way.”

“Yup, protection, protection, protection,” Jay rattled off the mantra. “Okay, I have something to ask, because I’m genuinely curious since I don’t think we’ve ever talked about this.”

“Oh god, now I’m nervous,” Sugar chuckled, and once you again you felt this strange wave of something wash over you.

You weren’t even sure what the actual feeling itself was. Unease? No, that wasn’t right. Maybe nerves? Maybe you were just projecting your anxiety about your test onto everything. Yeah, maybe that was it.

“Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?” Jay asked, which most certainly caused your attention to be turned back to the podcast.

“Hm,” Sugar hummed as he seemed to ponder the question. “Honestly, I don’t think I have one. Maybe it makes me boring, but I much prefer not being in positions where someone can get a snapshot of my bare ass out in public… Or get arrested for that matter — you know all about that, right, Jay?”

“Really?” Jay scoffed. “You’re gonna bring that up? And for the record, me and that girl were not arrested. We were almost arrested.”

“Because that makes it so much better?”

“I mean in the eyes of the future employers that I’ll be filling job applications out for, yeah.”

“True, but I guess we should explain what the hell we’re even talking about,” Sugar proposed, before continuing. “Basically, Jay here, met a girl at some party that his frat was throwing, and they decided that it would be fun to have sex outside near the bushes and trees, where literally anyone could pass by, which ended up including the cops.”

“Okay first of all,” Jay started, and you could hear him shifting in his seat. “She was the one who said she wanted to have sex in nature or some shit, and obviously I was like what the fuck at first, so I tried telling her how my bedframe was made of wood and wasn’t that nature-y enough, and she said no that wasn’t good enough, and so I just…”

“You just what?” Sugar asked, clearly trying to control his laughter.

“Fine, I’m weak as hell so I agreed, and then we got caught by the cops and ran for our fucking lives, half naked across campus.”

“Riveting.”

“Fuck off.”

“Hey, you expose me on here all the time, had to get a little payback.”

“I guess,” Jay sighed, accepting Sugar’s reasoning.

After that the two men delved into numerous topics involving college sex life. From flippant things such as unrealistic movie portrayals, to all important topics like consent. If was always fascinating to just listen to them speak about things so openly. It let you just forget about stresses for the thirty odd minutes that they spoke for every week. But eventually the conversation did start to wind down, eventually breaking off into tangents here and there. But as you had said before, you didn’t mind this. It was actually really nice to hear how well they riffed off of one another.

And it was at this point, where their talk turned more natural… that the underlying feeling of that certain something returned. It was just something about the way Sugar’s breath hit the mic or the way his laughter bounced through your earbuds. It had always affected you to some degree since you had developed somewhat of an infatuation towards this man with an alias so sweet. But there was something different about this time, something more intense drawing you in.

“Okay, we’re getting to that point where we’re completely off topic, so I guess we should stop here,” Sugar said after he and Jay finished a mini-debate on what the best X-Men superpower was.

“You’re just saying that because you know I’m right, and that Mystique has the best superpower, but whatever.”

“It’s definitely being a telepath, but I’ll let you continue on in this wrong way of life that you’ve chosen to follow.”

“Whatever,” Jay sighed. “But yeah, any closing comments, Sugar?”

“Uhm, not really…” He trailed off, and there was a momentary pause that caused the podcast to have a beat of silence that wasn’t often heard. It made your brows furrow as you waited for him to continue, his slow and steady breath suddenly returning to the microphone, leading a chill down your spine in its wake before he continued. “Just… Just good luck to everyone on their tests and stuff this week,” He paused once more. “…Anatomy or whatever.”

That was when it clicked for you of course, when he had to so obviously spell it out.

“I — are you fucking kidding me!?” You yelled as you ripped your headphones out. Your heart was thundering violently against your chest as everything started to replay itself inside of your head. The breaths, the laughter, the words, the voice. That strange familiarity that you had written off as nothing at the library when you had first heard him speak. The weird vibe that you just couldn’t shake when the podcast started and his breathy sigh sounded so much more lively than it ever had before.

Suddenly that something emotion that you hadn’t been able to pinpoint as it pressed against your chest dissolved. That airy warmth that had been bubbling in the pit of your stomach every time that he had laughed this episode, it was all replaced by you feeling like a complete idiot for not realizing something so obvious that had been right in front of your face and literally playing through your ears.  

Before you knew it, you were out of bed, car keys already being grabbed off of your dresser. “This kid,” You whispered, a grin plastered across your face.

Your fist came down on the door, some sort of adrenaline running through you as you waited for him to answer. How could you not have seen it? —Or perhaps heard was a more accurate term. But you weren’t mad that he hadn’t told you even though he clearly knew that you were a fan of mixtape. You were simply stunned that you hadn’t realized who he was sooner. You had heard his voice, laughter… everything, filter through your headphones a million times and yet you didn’t even notice when he was right in front of you.

And then suddenly he was again. The door opened, and there he was, not seeming surprised in the slightest to see you.

“Y/N,” Yoongi started, smiling as he pulled you inside his apartment. “You… heard I’m assuming?”

“Hm, I don’t know, should I call you Yoongi or Sugar from now on?” You asked, bringing your hand up to your chin to convey some playful uncertainty.

He chuckled, leaning down to press his forehead to yours. “You can call me whatever you want.” And then he was kissing you, pressing you into the wall just as he had done a few days prior, his smile pressing firmly into your lips. You giggled, making the interaction a jumbled, laughter-infused mess before you finally broke away.

“Wow, this is so weird,” You said as you circled your arms around Yoongi’s neck while he did the same to your waist. “I listen to you every week. How the hell couldn’t I tell that it was you?”

“Sometimes it’s hard to match a voice to a face when you’re only used to just being able to hear it.” He shrugged as if it were the most casual thing in the world. But really, it wasn’t the biggest deal. It was just… wild, for lack of a better word.

“Yeah, clearly.”

“You’re not mad, right?” He asked. “That I knew you listened to mixtape but still didn’t tell you who I was?”

“No, not at all,” You said, shaking your head. “You just met me. I wouldn’t expect you to just go and reveal one of your biggest secrets like that.”

He seemed relieved at that. “Good, I just thought you might be mad at me or something.”

“Promise I’m not mad at all,” You said, giving him a quick peck for good measure. “But really, you did only just meet me, so why’d you let me know that it was you?”

After all, Yoongi could have just kept this information to himself, and you never would have known. Sure, you felt that Sugar had sounded a bit more familiar while listening to the new episode earlier, but if not for him sliding that comment about your anatomy test into it, you probably never would’ve figured it out that he was Yoongi.

“I don’t know, to be honest,” He said, looking genuinely unsure of his reasoning. “I just had a really good time with you the past few days. And you know, even if it’s just as friends, I’d still like to hang out with you a lot after this. Everyone close to me knows that I’m Sugar from mixtape, so it just… felt right to tell you, even though we haven’t known each other that long. Is that weird?” He laughed, and you could see the slight flush of color that was congregating on his cheeks as he said it.

“No, it’s not weird at all. I liked hanging out with you a lot, even when we weren’t… You know…” You trailed off, hiding your face in his shoulder.

“Same,” He said simply, making you both laugh.

“For someone who’s on a podcast you’re not very good at expressing yourself.”

“Well, why do you think I’m the sarcastic asshole of the show?” He shrugged. “I’m not good at expressing myself.”

“I don’t know, you were pretty good just now. What was that bit you said about even if we’re just friends?” You asked, gaining a mischievous grin as his face flushed redder.

“You’re terrible,” He joked, scratching awkwardly at his jaw. “But I mean I guess I would like to hang out with you and not have to quiz you on the contents of the skull… On like a date, maybe?”

Again, you felt that flare of something warm and inviting vibrate throughout your chest.

“I… I would really like that, Yoongi.”

He smiled, sighing in relief at your answer. You had no idea why he thought even for a second that you would say no, but it was cute to see nonetheless. You were about to ask what sort of places he liked to go on dates, but before you could, the ping of your cell-phone interrupted. You pulled it from your pocket and when you saw the notification, your heart dropped about ten levels.

“What’s wrong?” Yoongi asked, hands settling their way onto your shoulders as he clearly could see the shift in your expression.

“It says my anatomy test was graded.” You tried to swallow the dryness from your throat as you unlocked your phone and clicked on the notification, but you made sure to look away before it loaded, not sure if you were ready to see. “I feel like I’m gonna vomit.”

“Hey, hey,” Yoongi whispered. “Whatever you got, it’s gonna be all right. We’ll just study harder for the next test.”

“We?” You laughed, amused by his insinuation.

“Doesn’t have to be that kind of studying… But if you want.” He shrugged, grinning down at you as he did so. “Really though, it’ll be alright. Just see what you got, and we’ll go from there, yeah?”

You nodded, thankful for his encouragement as you breathed out a heavy sigh, trying to expel any negativity that was sitting stagnant inside of you. You were nervous, gripping your phone tightly for a few seconds before finally gaining the courage to look. You tilted your phone away from your chest, and right there on the screen, the percentage flashed back at you, causing you to nearly drop your phone to the ground in shock.

“Oh my god,” You whispered in disbelief as you continued to stare at it, as if to make sure that it wouldn’t disappear.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Yoongi asked, eyes wide and nervous.

“N-nothing. I…” You paused for a second, the phrase catching in your throat a few times before you could finally get it out. “I set the curve.”

“What!?” Yoongi exclaimed, smile beaming.

“I set the fucking curve! I got a hundred!” You screamed jumping up and down, your excitement impossible to contain as you began yanking Yoongi’s shirt along with you. “I can’t believe this!”

“I was literally sweating, and it wasn’t even my test,” He sighed, almost in more relief than you had.

“Well, you did put a lot of effort into it.”

“Much effort, but nothing I didn’t thoroughly enjoy.” Yoongi grinned as he pulled you closer and began peppering his way down the side of your neck, prompting a flash of heat throughout your limbs.

“How about a celebration round then?” You whispered as your hands wandered down his shirt and all the way to the top of his jeans. You could hear the lowly growl building in his throat as he pressed further into your hand.

“Fuck, yes—”

But suddenly there was a loud knock that boomed against Yoongi’s door making you almost jump out of your skin.

“Yoongi!” The person on the other side yelled, voice loud and bombastic as it cut through the air.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” Yoongi mumbled to himself.

“Who’s that—” You tried to ask, but before you could finish the stranger on the other side was already starting up again.

“Open up! I have an idea for next week’s episode!”

Your brow’s furrowed at this. “Episode?” You questioned aloud.

“Meet Hoseok,” Yoongi said with an almost tired sigh, motioning towards the door. “Or Jay as you probably know him better as.”

“Oh my god, that’s Jay?” You asked, clearly amused as he continued to bang on the door relentlessly. “Wow, thought that whole interrupting thing was just a played-up bit for the show,” You admitted.

“I wish it was played-up. Hoseok, interrupts every aspect of my life, not just podcast related things.”

“Interesting duo, you two.”

“Guess that’s why people like to hear us talk about nonsense,” Yoongi shrugged. “But I know how to get rid of him. Would you mind helping me?”

“Depends what it is,” You replied, interested to see what it was that he needed your assistance for.

“Well, it involves something… semi-sexual.” Your brows raised at this, intrigue growing higher. “Do you mind… hair pulling?”

Just the question itself had you fighting off the need to strip off your clothes. “N-not at all,” You managed to stutter.

Yoongi looked satisfied with this as he placed his hand along the back of your neck, palm flat as he threaded his fingers through your strands. You then watched as he brought his other hand down the front of your leggings, instantly having his fingers pressed ever so lightly against your slick heat. You weren’t really sure what the point of this was, or how it had anything to do with Hoseok, but it wasn’t as if you minded either. But then Hoseok was speaking again, as Yoongi knew that he would, you presumed.

“Your car’s out front. I know you’re in there, probably sleeping—”

You watched as Yoongi turned to face you, giving you the slightest of indications before you felt his hand tighten around your hair as he slid the warmth of his tongue along your neck in a way that had you keening. His palm that was still pressed to your center began to move, leaving your knees-weak. With all of this together you couldn’t help the moan that slipped past your lips, bouncing along the walls and most certainly through the door.

“Oh shit, my bad, dude,” Hoseok said, and suddenly his knocking stopped. “Catch you later.”

And it was that simple.

You felt Yoongi start to loosen his grip on your hair and pull his hand from your pants once Hoseok signaled his departure, but you quickly halted his motions, placing your hands on top of his before he could get too far. His eyes glimmered with something as you did so, a certain thrill seeming to electrify the air between the two of you.

“So about that condom that you always have on you?”

#bts #bts smut #bts scenarios #min yoongi #yoongi #yoongi smut #yoongi scenarios #suga #suga smut #kpop fanfic #kpop smut

[canaryatlaw]

Alright, I should get this written so I can actually go to sleep. Today was alright, not the best but not bad. I woke up to my alarm at 10:55 (again, setting up my schedule so I could sleep in multiple days a week was SUCH a good decision) then got ready and made my way down to the DV courthouse for my last shift for the time being, I’m hoping to get back there at some point depending on how the next few months play out. There was an amusing interaction with the sheriffs at the metal detector by the front where one of them was like ‘you work here?” and looking kinda doubtful and the other one was just like “oh yeah, she works here, she’s good” and the first one was like “well if you’re gonna vouch for her she must be good” 😂 it makes life much easier when you can get on the sheriff’s good side, so I try my best to stay there. Got to the clinic, ended up waiting almost an hour for a case, which I spent looking at the secured transactions flashcards I have written up so far. There’s no wifi at the courthouse (grr cook county why) so I just had it pulled up in a tab and was looking at them. I’m definitely going to need to listen to some lectures on the subjects, because there’s only so much I can take in from reading words without an actual explanation of how these things work. But around 1:30 I got pulled in for a case, I was the first one of the volunteers (there were probably like 4 or 5 of us) to get a case, so that made me happy lol I know they give me the more difficult ones because they know I know what I’m doing and they very much appreciate that, lol. It was a fairly typical case, woman filing against the father of her children (they had six kids together) because he wouldn’t stop showing up at her house like every single day, banging on the door and demanding to see her, so obviously that’s not great. He was also like, regularly climbing into her house through a window he had broken, like she’d come home and he’d just be in her house waiting for her, I was a little worried about whether it would be granted or not at first because harassment cases tend to be kind of a toss up, but as we got further into it and there were some physically violent incidents along with threats like “I’m going to do to you what your sister’s husband did to her” because her sister was killed by her husband. so yeah, not great stuff lol. What was really frustrating was when we looked her up in the system, this was like, the 6th year in a row she’s come to file for an order, and each time the case just kinda fell through the cracks, she’d miss a court date and it’d be dismissed, or they couldn’t serve him, just procedural errors that reflect the incompetence of the system.  But we got everything printed and filed, then had to wait quite a while because there was a backlog, which then of course meant once we got to the courtroom there were a ton of people ahead of us, because we were one of the last ones to file since we started an hour late. As soon as we walked into the courtroom and I saw the judge I was like 😑😑😑😑😑😑 she’s probably my least favorite judge currently at the courthouse, I know I’ve talked about her on here before because I’ve had past cases go bad in front of her. She’s young, really young, like she looks like she couldn’t be more than 30 but I know if she’s a judge she’s gotta be at least like, 35, all of which I bring up because younger judges often feel insecure in their positions and then end up overcompensating by lashing out at people. This judge was just extremely condescending and rude, treating the victims like idiots and insisting she take control of the entire process, instead of allowing them to speak she has to control the narrative and if it didn’t fall into her already decided model, then well that sucks for you. I started getting a little more worried at this point because I know the way the affidavit was written could be misleading if they didn’t read it properly (and by properly I mean reading the whole damn affidavit, which seems to be too difficult for some judges 😑), and if she wouldn’t let my client explain it could look like the situation was a lot less extreme than it actually was. So we finally get called, one of the last, it’s at least 5 pm at this point. so my client goes up, and the judge starts being super obnoxious and just snaps at her over literally nothing (she was mad the client would say “yes” before she finished her question???? like that’s not something to get bent out of shape over) and ended up passing the case and said she’d recall it in a minute, which was just like ??? really?? was that necessary?? So my client comes back and she’s like truly bewildered as to what had just happened and what she’d done wrong, and she started crying because she was tired and stressed and just wanted to get through this, and I got really mad because she had been doing so well the entire day, it’s a fairly regular occurrence for people to break down while telling us their story, but she had been doing really well, so seeing this happen when we were so close to the end was really fucking frustrating. but one of the female sheriffs I’m friendly with and I were able to get her to calm down a bit until the case got called again, and I was basically like I know she’s crazy but just humor her for now. So she goes up and I’m really having my fingers crossed this doesn’t blow up in our faces. They get through the introductory questions okay, then she looks at the affidavit and starts questioning why it had taken her a week to come in from the last incident, but she at least allowed my client to explain that him showing up has been a daily occurrence for months now, and that he’d regularly come inside her house without permission, and that seemed to be enough to sway the judge, so she granted the order and I really just had a big sigh of relief, that at least it was over and we got a positive outcome, even if I was still hopping mad about how my client was treated. like seriously, you’re in a courthouse that’s specifically dedicated to domestic violence, you’re dealing with victims here, not criminals, and there is absolutely no excuse for losing your temper on someone who has been brave enough to come here and try to protect themselves when that is really a huge feat. There’s just no fucking excuse. I noted it on my court report I filled out afterwards, but I kinda doubt that is ever going to be taken into consideration because sadly judges are largely untouchable, even when they act inappropriately. sigh. at least we won in the end, and hopefully this one will stick, she seemed very determined that she was going to handle this and I believed her. So we went back downstairs and I tried to control myself but basically exploded at my supervisor about the judge, which she fully understood lol so that helped a bit. But I headed out, it was like 5:45 at this point and The Flash came on at 7, so I was in a bit of a rush. But I walk down to the train station and while waiting for the train I ran into a friend from church who happens to be a lawyer as well, both him and his wife are and they work in public interest law, and they’re just super cool people, so I talked to him for a few minutes about how mad I was mostly haha before the trains showed up and we went in different directions. Train to the bus, bus is slow, so by the time I got home it was like 6:52, so I ran inside and turned on the tv, and was just able to heat up some food and sit down to watch the episode. I was of course excited for this episode because it had Leo in it, even if he’s not *my* Snart, he’s still a great character and I adore Wentworth Miller and his acting. There’s also the fact that we were getting Earth-X Black Siren, which I had mixed feelings about, partially because after the crossover I got really mad that they hadn’t written earth-x Laurel as part of the rebellion, and right after Sara had the confrontation with evil Lance they end up at the rebel HQ and both of them are faced with the sister they had lost and like, tell me that’s not an absolutely brilliant plan for a scene. So knowing they didn’t do that ticked me off, though I guess it makes sense that if Tommy and Oliver were evil Laurel might be too, but I thought her sister being murdered by Nazis would be enough to make her part of the rebellion, but oh well. As far as the actual episode goes, I enjoyed it for the most part, Leo was well used, his lines were always very fitting and witty, and I liked how he just completely saw through Barry in like two seconds. I kinda had to laugh at little at them trying soooooo hard to convince us that the entire team was so broken up about losing Ralph when like, nobody in the audience fucking cares about him and most are glad he’s “dead” (I’m pretty certain they’re gonna bring him back). Siren-X’s powers were pretty cool, the superhearing thing was awesome, and she seemed to be very power as far as her canary cry (siren cry?) goes. I really did like the climax moment when both Leo and Barry are down and Leo just cuts through the crap and gets to Barry, getting him to save the day, I liked it a lot. I feel like Siren-X could’ve been used more, though tbh I really didn’t need a Nazi version of Laurel Lance when we already have an evil version of her. Is there an earth out there where Laurel has powers and is a good person? Because that I’d like to see. Anyway. As soon as that was over I switched to Rise since Black Lightning is over now I can watch that live. It was an okay episode, didn’t really do anything for me, kinda felt like more of a filler than anything else. I laughed when there were like “it’s tech week!” and they hadn’t done a full run through of the show yet because on the one hand I’ve legit opened shows without having done a full run through, but on the other the idea of a school musical with that big of a cast to have not done a full run through until tech is fucking nuts. I also kept laughing at how much the principal was concerned about ticket sales, because ticket sales to the school musical are *obviously* such a huge source of income to the school that he should be this concerned about it (most schools would be lucky if they break even on the money put into the show by ticket sales). So yeah, not my favorite episode, but not bad. After that I was out of current shows to watch so I went back to Game of Thrones which I haven’t watched in a while, and ended watching 2x02. Pretty good episode, I continue to love Arya and just how kick ass she is with everyone, and I’m curious to know how this all plays out. I will say I was kinda confused by the last scene, because I admittedly had not been paying all that much attention, but it looked like Jon Snow was getting chased by a crying baby ?? Lol, that was an amusing thought. I had been slightly distracted because I was officially switching over my twitter account, which meant I was soft blocking all the IRL people to move them to my other account so my old one will just be for internet peeps. So I got that done and ended up being down like 120 followers 😂 but since I unfollowed a bunch of people that count had gone down as well so the disparity isn’t that big. I also changed my handle to match my URL here, so if you want to look me up my @ADACanary there. I have my account temporarily on private just so IRL people don’t get confused, but if you request me and you’re not an IRL person and like, don’t look like a super creeper (lol) I’ll approve you. But yeah, after that I basically started getting ready for bed and here we are. I have a 9:30 am PT appointment tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll at least have more time to study than I would’ve if I had slept in till like, noon lol. And yeah, we’ll go from there. I’m way tired now so I’m gonna head to bed. Goodnight my loves. Sweet dreams.

#daily journal #April 2018 #Rachel watches The Flash

[ficdirectory]

The Fosters: Our Thoughts on Episode 4x14 “Doors and Windows”

Another twin recap by @tarajean621 and me.  Look for her comments in italics below:

Especially Jude, Who’s Taking Really Long Showers These Days if You Know What I Mean:  Brandon!  Ew!

You Used to Fight Us So Much About Taking a Bath and Now Look At Ya:  Hahaha!  Stef!  Now I can’t stop picturing little Brandon.

I Don’t Want to Go to School. I Don’t Want to Go to Therapy/You Don’t Want to Do Anything.  Enough With the Melodrama.  Let’s Go:  Wow, Stef.  Dismissive much?  Mariana’s obviously having a tough time.  While I get that school is not optional, she needs to feel heard.

The Last Thing I Need is More Stress:  Lena, if you, Stef, Brandon, Callie and Mariana are all upstairs and Jude left, who is downstairs with Jesus?  Also, I’m more than a little uncomfortable at the fact that this episode seems like it is going to be all about everyone else’s stress (which is, apparently, Jesus) :(

Don’t They Have College Courses in Prison/I Have an Idea!  Why Don’t You Take the SATs For Me!/Wow.  Juvie’s Hardened You:  OMG Brandon and Callie!  Hahahaha!

I Just Wanted to Be Upstairs with Everyone:  The isolation is real, guys.  We see physical isolation in that the entire family is upstairs, leaving Jesus alone downstairs.  Normally?  No big deal.  (And probably why no one thought twice about it.)  However, Jesus realizes upon attempting to climb the stairs that he is literally cut off from his family.  (Which becomes even more poignant later in the episode, when Mariana verbalizes a memory from early childhood wherein the twins were abandoned in their crib for a day or more.)

With something like a brain injury, it is impossible to come to terms with all of the ways it will impact you.  In Jesus’s mind, he is perfectly capable of climbing the stairs.  He has been able to do so most of his life.  So, being forced to confront his physical limitations here is crushing and frightening for him.

Also, the show has made sure that we do not forget about PERSONALITY CHANGES that can occur post-TBI.  AGGRESSION.  The truth is that emotions in general are closer to the surface.  So, we see Jesus cry here.  And the family rallies around him.  

Note: In real life, a subsequent head injury is a very real concern.  Technically, Jesus should be wearing the helmet we see later all the time, now that he is ambulatory (but unsteady).  If this were real, the first question asked would be, “Did you hit your head?” And even if the answer was no, a trip to the hospital would not be out of the question.

Jesus Fell Down the Stairs This Morning.  Well, Up, Technically.  I Think He Really Wants to Get Back In His Bedroom and Out of That Dining Room.  It Gets Pretty Lonely Down There:  How devastating, especially knowing what’s coming up as far as the reveal about the twins’ past.  Mariana totally gets how loneliness could drive Jesus’s actions here.  Her adding, “It gets pretty lonely down there,” shows that Jesus’s feelings are reasonable and that they make complete sense to her.  It’s not like, “Oh, Jesus was ridiculous and tried to climb stairs by himself when he shouldn’t have.”  These two don’t handle being alone well, which, given their early history, makes complete sense :(

This is About You.  You’ll See:  Mariana’s pretending hard that everything’s okay while she’s talking to Emma.  Both these girls have masks in place so hard.  Emma’s obviously nervous saying she’s not pregnant, which makes me worry that she is.  And Mariana’s just using to her Smart Voice hardcore to get through the day.

I Hate You...Shut Up:  Imagine walking into room, and not realizing that it is actually a live rock show.  The intensity of the music through the amps, so loud you can feel it.  The crowd of people.  Flashing lights.  Colors.  Smells.  Screams.  Applause.

Now, imagine that you’re expected to take a final exam while you’re there.

Seems pretty ludicrous, right? 

But this is what it is like after a brain injury.  The ability you once had to seamlessly filter information is compromised.  So, while neurotypicals like Lena and the therapist are able to carry on conversation and focus on what needs to be done, someone like Jesus struggles.

The activity in the room, extraneous conversations and other noise, the bright colors, fluorescent lights all assault Jesus’s senses simultaneously before PT or cognitive therapy even begins.

Now, lets add another layer.  Jesus is sitting on an exercise ball trying to balance while contending with his right-sided tremor.  (During a live rock show.)

He is simultaneously using free weights - again, while contending with the tremor.  (During a live rock show.)

Also, Jesus has to pick out the therapist’s voice from the sea of other noise. Listen to him.  Process what he is saying.  And follow his instructions. While sitting on the exercise ball and using the free weights.  (During a live rock show.)

Then, the therapist introduces flashcards. :/

Aphasia can also affect a person’s ability to identify letters.  And reading is also an act of filtering, believe it or not.  

1. Jesus may or may not recognize all of the letters in the word boat.  (I had trouble identifying/saying letters that had similar counterparts, like b, d, g, p, q, m, n, u and w as well as those that I did not use frequently such as x, y and z.)

2. He may experience all of the letters in the word rushing at him simultaneously. (Because of an inability to filter.)  This is understandably overwhelming, and it can impact Jesus’s ability to pause and attempt to read the word.

3. Most importantly, Jesus realizes that he should know this stuff.  Not all that long ago, he would have been able to accomplish everything asked of him easily.  He is not unaware of that fact.  So, he is understandably embarrassed and crushed.

And the live rock show plays on.

Again, we see that the stress of therapy has limited his speech:  

I hate you could mean This is hard / I hate having to struggle through things I used to do easily.

I’m done first and foremost means that for the moment, he is done and needs a break.  It could also mean I’m embarrassed to have not been able to immediately recognize and read the word.  

No means no.

Shut up (responding to Lena’s “Honey, you can do this”) could mean No I can’t / Listen to me / Respect my limits.

This is the hardest part of the scene to watch.  Lena is attempting to encourage Jesus, as the neurologist recommended.  

However, both of the adults in the scene have failed to listen to Jesus.  He drops the weights and says “I’m done” - a clear message despite limited speech - I need a break.  He is immediately countered by the therapist that not only does Jesus need to read the boat flashcard, but a full 5 sets of flashcards when he is already at his limit.

He says no, which Lena follows up with “Honey, you can do this.”  Which is well-meaning and also ableist.   He clearly could not read the card in that moment, so she is not respecting his limits or the fact that he said no. 

They take a break after Jesus yells.  Not when he says he’s done.  And the break is clearly for the adults, who promptly leave Jesus in the care of an aide of some sort, so they can procure coffee and/or vodka.  

What is Jesus’s break like?  Does he even get to leave the room? (x)

Also, I just rewatched 4A, and in particular 4x09, (the episode where Jesus finds Stef’s journal and reads what she wrote, that Lena didn’t want to adopt him and Mariana.)  We can see it affects him by how abruptly he closes the journal and tries to hide it from Mariana, and the way in which he tells Moms what is upsetting Mariana.  It is obviously affecting Jesus, too.  This discovery is in the episode before he is injured, and while we know that Lena followed through with Mariana and went into more depth about where she was coming from at the time, Jesus was not included in this conversation - though it applied to both twins.

While he is in the coma (4x12) we can see just how big his fear of being abandoned is.  He dreams his family moved and left him behind, with no forwarding address.  Little Mariana is there, cautioning and trying to protect, but there is no sign of actual Mariana, no other sibs, and notably, no Moms.  Lena plays a very specific part in his dreams, too.  She is actually physically there and he follows her, at one point, and keeps trying to get her attention, but she never turns around.  Most difficult, when Jesus dreams of being at Mariana’s funeral, Stef says, “It’s all your fault,” but it’s Lena who says, “We wish it were you.”

To me, these things indicate, Jesus has a lot of unresolved feelings and fears specific to Mama.  To have her walk away and joke about needing a drink now that Jesus has this brain injury?  It speaks so directly to his fears of her abandoning him.  It’s every (older) adopted kid’s nightmare.  To have our deepest fears of being left confirmed.  She is walking away.  And Jesus may feel like now that he is struggling with so many things, and having honest, big feelings about it, it’s gonna be too much for Mama to handle.  And maybe she won’t love him anymore.  Being disabled and adopted is so complex.  And adoptive parents are not immune from saying and / or doing things that reaffirm our deepest fears that we will no longer be loved or wanted, because that is what our experience of parents tells us is the norm. This fear always exists and being disabled (for an adopted child) can seem to give an adoptive parent a concrete reason to stop loving us.  To leave us.  Even, to mistreat us.  (x)

How Long Is He Gonna Be Like This?  Lena asking this question and being met with explanations by the PT about “outbursts” and Jesus’s “short fuse” ignore and dismiss Jesus’s perspective.  

This is also the first moment in the episode where we stay with the caregiver POV, instead of with Jesus.  We see that Lena and Tomas both dismiss Jesus’s anger as a symptom, instead of a legitimate reaction to his treatment and circumstances.  The crying earlier was not seen as a symptom, however.  Comfort was given in that moment, because crying is seen as an acceptable reaction.  Disabled people are generally pitied by society, and it is expected that we pity ourselves.  Disabled anger is rarely viewed as valid.  Our public existence is linked inextricably with how we make nondisabled people feel.  We are, in many instances, viewed as objects of inspiration.  If we cry, a nondisabled person can comfort us and feel good about that.  Being in the vicinity of anger, though, does not feel good.  And as such, it is often dismissed as an overreaction or a symptom.

$300,000/It’s a Small Price to Pay to Keep Callie Out of Prison:  Okay, but wow, Robert.  That’s so much money.  Plus, it’s gonna really suck if you end up thinking Callie should move in with you because you did her this favor or something.

Sophia and Callie Look So Similar, Maybe He Got Them Confused/Did You Break Into Doug Harvey’s House?  It just got real, Callie.  And Stef has zero patience left because if the DA finds this out she is going to jail for real and Stef thinks maybe it’s what Callie deserves.  Then she takes it back and says she doesn’t mean that.  These two are so stubborn.  Callie needs to let Stef handle this.

I’m Done/One More Time:  Oh, fine motor tasks.  How I loathe thee.  Jesus is painstakingly separating coffee beans from pennies, and I feel for him.  Because we see clearly that, with brain injury recovery, the therapy literally never ends.  Not only is the task tedious - it’s boring.  And it is complicated further by the fact that it is actually difficult for Jesus to do right-handed, which is super embarrassing in and of itself.  Never mind that Lena and Emma feel the need to hover and/or supervise such a mundane exercise.  So, something that already makes him feel excruciatingly self-conscious quickly becomes unbearable the moment he makes a mistake in front of two people he feels he needs to impress.

With so much of the day scheduled within an inch of its life, it is no wonder that Jesus jumps at the opportunity to get Mama out of there and goof off a bit with Emma.  I love seeing them able to just breathe and enjoy each other, and that Emma does not try to “parent” Jesus.  

But Mama is not happy when she comes back.  And when Jesus says, “I’m done,” it is once again disregarded.  :(  The AGGRESSION does not come out of the blue.  It is communication that Moms actually acknowledge.  

Also, it is nice to see Brandon respect Jesus’s body language and resist the urge to help him up the step when he leaves.  

Hey, You Know, I Got It:  Here we have the second time that a choice was made to stay with the caregiver POV rather than with Jesus.  Isn’t it interesting how, in this moment, Brandon is able to see that Lena needs a break by taking her nonverbal cues?  He gives her the space she needs, and even offers to further accommodate her by taking Jesus to therapy the next day. 

When is the First Time You Remember Feeling Powerless?/Jesus and I Were Babies:  We just watched a podcast about PTSD and EMDR yesterday, so it was really interesting to get to see Mariana do EMDR here.  

The therapist asks Mariana what feelings she had when she discovered Nick in her room with the gun.  Mariana says she felt scared and powerless.  He asks if she has ever felt that way before.  She says she has.  A bunch of times.  Like when the robotics team turned on her and when her mom got shot and they thought she was gonna die.

Then he asks about the very first time Mariana remembers feeling powerless and she describes at time that she and Jesus were babies.  They were in their crib, crying and calling out for their mom but she never came.  They waited a day, maybe longer.

Though Mariana and Jesus are very much separated in this episode, each dealing with their own stuff, and even though their stuff is different, it is bringing up the same feelings for both of them.  In Jesus’s case, dealing with medical trauma brought back his early feelings of being abandoned and feeling responsible for Mariana, as we saw in his dream in 4x12.  And in Mariana’s case, Nick hiding in the house and pulling a gun on her triggered feelings that date all the way back to when they were babies.  

It’s Okay.  My Therapist Gave Me Permission.  I’m Taking My Power Back:  Mariana is hanging a sheet in her bedroom doorway here because she feels powerless having no privacy, so she is changing that.  She tells Moms this is not about them, this is about her.  And that her therapist would like to meet with them tomorrow at 3:00.  Mariana assumes that they will be too busy but says that her therapist assured her that since Moms love her they will make time to come in.  Lena says they will, and Mariana says if they have further questions about her privacy, they can discuss them then.

The thing that leaps out at me the most in this scene is that how clear Mariana is about her boundaries.  Putting them up physically and making them with Moms even in terms of the conversation.  She does this, though, with her Smart Voice.  With her reflexive smile.  Both are like armor, that she is clinging to.  (Likely because she does not feel listened to when she is vulnerable and honest with Moms.)  Mariana needs them to take her seriously, so she goes over their heads here, and does not give them a choice.  It all feels a bit manipulative, too, which is not surprising, given just how little she and Jesus could trust adults to take care of them as babies.  She is used to using manipulation to get her needs met, to a certain extent.  It’s a survival skill that she has not totally lost.

I’m Not Your Bro: Brandon, your cheerleading is super annoying.  And “Actually, you are.  Or did you forget that, too?”  Inappropriate.  (But so true to life.)  A little tip for our readers?  Don’t be like Brandon.  To insinuate that someone is in brain injury rehab because they “forgot” how to perform certain tasks is so minimizing.  Because what Jesus is doing right now is not “remembering.”  He is actually retraining his brain.  Forming new connections, making pathways around the damaged areas.    

It is such a delicate balance, because you do want and need support in rehab from family and friends.  However, you feel embarrassed to your very core to be working on such basic things.  And everything everyone says feels condescending, so it’s almost intolerable having people watch you.

Jesus tells Brandon to go away, and miraculously, Brandon listens.  (PSA to the family: If Brandon can do it, you can too!)  

HEALING IS WORTH IT!  DON’T GIVE UP! We spotted this lovely (sarcasm) poster as Brandon is walking away from Jesus.  In this one, a person is standing up victoriously from a wheelchair in the sunshine. We’d like to know what it implies if an injury means you must use a wheelchair to get around?  (Giving up?  Not trying hard enough?)  Also, where is the super ableist store where these awful posters are procured?  Ew...

Senior Project/What’s It Supposed to Be Now/A Cell...Like Solitary Confinement:  The 45th iteration of Callie’s senior project and it’s a doozy...

I Didn’t Know You Knew About Construction/You Would’ve If You’d Asked:  Right, AJ?  Callie, you weren’t shy about asking Aaron what he knew about construction...

Just Wondering if I Could Ask You Some Questions About How to Help Jesus:  While I think it’s great that you’re asking about music therapy, Brandon (possible avenue for you?) how about you ask Jesus what he needs from you instead of asking everyone else how to rewire his brain?  I’m sure his answer would be much different than theirs, as well, considering that it seems like he just wants to be connected to you guys and not so isolated.  Everybody is so afraid to ask him questions and I feel like they could learn so much if they did.  Also, we are not sure how we feel about Brandon outing Jesus to the music therapy student here.  While it is assumed that patients here are recovering from TBI, and Jesus did tell Brandon to go away, I’m not sure he’d like knowing you talked about his injury to a perfect stranger...

TODAY, I’M TELLING MY TBI I’M IN CHARGE!: This is an actual poster in the music therapy room.  Because, you know, it’s that easy.  And all disabilities can be cured by the power of positive thought. (Meant to be read as sarcasm.)

You Made Detective...Human Trafficking:  Wow, this would be a shift for Stef!  Also, I’m not sure how I feel about Captain Roberts encouraging Stef to keep quiet about whatever might put her career in jeopardy but I guess for the moment I’m relieved.

Jesus, That’s Great!  Emma, Not So Much:  I love that this scene is included.  We see Jesus and Emma both engaged in playing Row Row Row Your Boat, where Brandon could have asked Jesus to play it himself.  But there is so much less pressure this way.  Brandon gives feedback to both and is not afraid to correct Emma.  Being able to succeed at a task gives Jesus a much-needed sense of accomplishment, which is rare in the days of brain injury recovery.  Also a plus?  Music feels fun and less like work.

From My Perspective, Mariana Exerts Her Will on All of Us, Pretty Much All The Time/I’m Glad You Used Those Words, ‘From My Perspective’:  Ooh, ouch, Stef.  Mariana’s therapist just got done telling you he thinks she has PTSD and that she’s reexperiencing feeling powerless at home, and that’s what you’re going to say?  I feel like Moms could probably use therapy, too, to be honest.  I’m glad the therapist is there, guiding them through this so that Mariana knows her feelings are valid.

We Can Never Assume That Our Perspective Is the Only Perspective.  Which is Why Communication is So Important:  So true.  OMG.  Her therapist is so wise.

Bedroom Doors Aren’t the Reason Kids Shut Their Parents Out.  Lack of Trust Is.  Trust That You’re Going to Hear Them.  Trust That You’re Going to Respect Their Feelings Without Assigning Your Own Perceptions to Them:  This is also so true.  Very true for me, at least.  And I’d imagine it’s really hard for parents to listen without letting their own perceptions get in the way of hearing and respecting their kids’ feelings.

We Encourage The Kids to Talk to Us All The Time/And Then You Call Me Melodramatic, and Make Me Feel Like My Problems Aren’t as Important as Jesus’s Injury...Maybe Their Problems Are Bigger Than Mine/Honey, Don’t Do That.  Nick Held a Gun to Your Head:  I love this exchange between Lena and Mariana.  How Mariana can clarify how she feels about being called melodramatic and that it literally makes her doubt the validity of her feelings in front of them.  Lena can see that and cautions her about it, reminds her that her feelings do matter.

Treat Every Child Respectfully, So We Can Earn Their Trust, and Hopefully Then, They’ll Share Their Secrets:  Do you hear this Moms?  Every.  Child.  Respectfully.  Including your son in the living room, Jesus.  (Oh, gosh, who is at home with Jesus????)  His injury does not exclude him from deserving your respect.

I Thought It Was Mariana/She’s at Therapy:  So, Brandon’s home, but doesn’t know Emma’s in Mariana’s room and Brandon doesn’t know that Mariana’s at therapy.  So he doesn’t know Moms are at therapy with her.  Again, I ask, who is with Jesus?  I get that he does not want to be stifled all the time but it seems that the only people home are on a completely different floor of the house and no one seems concerned that he has no way to reach them if he needs something.

Did Jesus Yell At You?  You Can’t Take That Personally.  It’s Just Because of His Injury.  It’s Like He Has No Filter:  Exhibit #554992 - Jesus’s anger is not legitimate.

No, He’s Never Yelled at Me:  Look at that!  Maybe it’s because you treat him like a person, Emma!

Something I Need to Tell Him and I’m Not Sure That I Should/Is It Something You Can Tell Me?/I Think You Already Know:  Emma, yes you should tell Jesus.  If it concerns him, he deserves to know.  And Brandon, just because Emma isn’t sure she should tell Jesus doesn’t mean she should tell you.  This is not your business.

Stairs: This is a blatant excuse to further the plot by having Jesus witness something he is unable to contextualize due to his physical limits.  We see him struggle to do something without proper accommodations or safety precautions.

I Don’t Wanna Be a 16 Year Old With a Baby.  Is It Horrible If I Don’t Tell Jesus?  I’m Just Afraid That in His Condition, This Would Be Too Much for Him to Handle:  So, first things first: your body, your choice, Emma.  But you are taking the choice about what Jesus can handle away from him.  Let him decide what he can take.  I’m pretty sure that lying to him is going to make him feel so much worse than the truth.  You were the one person he could count on who treated him, for the most part, like a friend and not a parent.  This is gonna be so awful.

I Think It Would Be A Lot For Jesus to Handle Even Without the Brain Injury:  Not your call to make, Brandon!  Though I do appreciate that he didn’t just cite the injury as the reason not to tell Jesus.

You Have Too Much Makeup On/God, Jesus/I’m Tired.  You Should Go:  Emma urges Jesus to read a get well card, and Jesus drives her away by saying something mean.  He is understandably too embarrassed to admit that he’s having difficulty reading.  Dream!Emma did tell him, “You’re too dumb for me,” after all...

Take Detective.  Not Gonna Give Up on Gray and Malloy, I’m Just Gonna Do It From the Inside: Well, that does not sound reassuring, Stef.

Doors Are Not Really The Issue.  Trust Is. Which We Are Working on Developing.  But No More Secrets: Stef, I’m glad you and Lena put the doors back on, but it’s not as simple as expecting the kids not to keep secrets when you guys are still working on developing trust with the kids.

Incapable of Expressing Herself/Paranoid/Dangerous/She Was Defiant:  It’s only now that I can actually see that Callie’s senior project has facets of all of her previous senior projects, which is pretty cool.  She included the pictures of herself that she gathered/has as well as the ones she took of the houses she stayed in, plus the pages of her file up on the cell wall with these words in big type.  How stark and sad.  To reduced to your behavior without taking your motivations into account.  (Kind of exactly how the family is treating Jesus.  Everything about him now is coded through “brain injury” and that stops them from considering all of the valid reasons Jesus could be reacting as he does.)

So Tired of Secrets, So Toxic, Let’s Start Telling Them:  Mariana changed her Twitter handle and she just told the whole Twitterverse that she stole her brother’s ADHD meds.  (Though, perhaps this is a separate account and more anonymous, which would be good.  Keep taking that power back, but don’t forget to respect your fam’s privacy, too.)

Card:  We finally get Jesus’s POV!  And it is so effective.  He attempts to read the card from earlier while alone in his bed, steeling himself beforehand.  And the letters on the card move, mix up and blur as he looks at them.  I hypothesized that something like this may be happening earlier in the recap, and aside from the blurring, this is very similar to how reading was for me in the beginning of my recovery.  

So little is in Jesus’s control at this point in time that he wants to rip the card up.  But he knows that destroying it will not change what he sees.  So, he resorts to physically covering his eyes while breaking down.  

No one is there for him in this moment.  He is as isolated physically as he is emotionally.  No one can understand the fear he’s feeling.  So real.  So powerful.  Jesus’s recovery is far from over, and unfortunately, there will be many more instances of loneliness and isolation to come.  Not to mention the long journey toward self-love and acceptance in the face of a life-changing injury.

For more: Fosters Recaps

#the fosters freeform #jesus adams foster #brain injury #4x14 #doors and windows #aphasia #representation matters #ableism #mariana adams foster

[rigelmejo]

a true testament to how my brain works. it’s just like ‘read some more Priest’

it knows how hard it is. it knows it takes a long time to get through a page.

but its like challenge = yay its learning, and can easily see what it knows. which it likes. even though physically i can feel how mentally exhausting the task is. reading something way above your level intensively? exhausting. reading something way above your level extensively, without a dictionary, and just trying to comprehend as much as you can? very exhausting. ;-; its why i can only do a few paragraphs or a few pages at a time.

so i could read it intensively instead. which is also hard but slightly less hard. but my brain is like ‘nah that’s even more work. its even more work to lookup unknown words. just read. no technology to distract u just read the book. look nothing up, save no notes make no flashcard. just read, its less tasks to do.’

i think i probably pick up more information quicker when i do intensive reading. 

but extensive reading, even when i’m reading wayyyy above anything close to my reading level, is just more ‘enjoyable’ and more rewarding to my brain, despite it being more exhausting in some ways. (I suppose intensive reading is exhausting in the sense it requires me to switch to a dictionary, and bookmark entries and sentences often - tasks which I generally find distracting and take me longer then I wish they did).

...

same issue with shows, really. except i’m at the point in shows where i CAN follow them without looking things up - i’m just picking up new words slower if I don’t. So, if I don’t purposely look up any words in a show as I watch it - I might pick up 3-5 new words in a 40 minute episode from context. If I do purposely have my dictionary app out, and look up words maybe every 5ish minutes when I get curious - I can pick up 10-15 new words in a 40 minute episode. So the main tradeoff if I just stop looking words up, is I pick up new words slower and its a little less clear what some details are. 

But I can still use the sentences I understand to consolidate what I do know and review it. And I can just decide to pick up more of my words from reading or other sources where looking things up is less bothersome to me. 

Based on my experiences so far, I would highly recommend looking up a bigger number of words in the first episode or two. Or watching that first ep with dual subtitles, purposefully pausing to figure out a decent number of word meanings from those dual subtitles (or if in Viki, using the Learn with Netflix extension etc clicking as many unknown words for definitions as you think are key to context and details). So the first episode might take 1 hour or 1.5 hours instead of 40 minutes. I only did this with a few shows - but it paid off a lot down the road for them. 

I did this with Granting You A Dreamlike Life - and the first ep covered a lot of the genre/plot specific words I otherwise would have been confused about for several more episodes until I finally caught them from more context (theatre, play, steamed bun, restaurant, actor, medical school, police, dream, wish, song). Since I learned them super early, the subsequent episodes I could follow a MAJORITY of all the main plot details since they revolved around these words and topics, so I could spend more of my effort trying to catch the other unknown words that popped up within this context. The first episode I comprehended maybe 60-70%, the subsequent episodes I understood 80-100% of what was said in every scene. Always enough to get the main idea, and sometimes enough to follow every single detail. This show’s vocabulary also extended to other romance genre shows suddenly going up to 80-100% comprehensible to me depending on the scene, so now those shows are easy to watch and learn words from context quickly from. That first slower watch of the first episode, made the rest easier. I did NOT do this for Ancient Detective, and so I’m spending a lot of my time trying to grasp the main plot while still just trying to figure out the MAIN words that come up a TON in this genre of story, because I don’t know them yet - so I barely can work on picking up words in smaller details or that are surrounded by the unknown genre words. I also did this with the first ep of Handsome Siblings. 

I also did NOT do this for The Lost Tomb - and it’s clear, because once tomb-raiding genre words show up, I know they’re genre related convos but I do NOT know what any of the words they’re discussing are so I can’t follow what’s being talked about (Although after 3 episodes I finally picked up tomb, old scroll, cave, bell - which are definitely common words in this show). If I’d looked up the words sooner, I’d be spending more time catching other words, and I’d be comprehending more (whereas right now I’m shifting between 70% on scenes I’m just grasping meaning from the visual scene, and 80ish% for parts I know a couple words and have visual help, and 90ish% for the sentences I DO know most words for because they’re daily-life related its just I don’t know wtf conversational details in previous scenes LEAD UP to these scenes. 

I did not do this for Guardian upon my chinese only rewatch. But in my original watch, way back in the beginning of this learning journey, Guardian was the show I looked up a lot of my new words from. And the Guardian novel beginning chapters. And I am very familiar with the plot and what happens and everyone’s name. So there’s a ton of vocab and context I don’t really have to struggle to follow. Also - for unknown words I do see, I know roughly what the scene meant from back when I watched it with english subs - so I can figure out a TON more words from context compared to a show I’ve never seen before. The prior familiarity helps a lot. 

I really... should watch the first ep of The Lost Tomb again with dual subs on viki, and look up all the key unknown words. I will have... an easier time...

#rant