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the---hermit · 11 months

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22|05|2023

17/50 days of productivity

I have already accomplished one of the two goals I had set for this week. I am now all caught up with the materials for my protohistory exam, so I will only have to reread and review things. I have already read everything at least once, and took notes where I needed. The other goal is to being caught up with my history of religions lectures. Additionally I have to start properly focusing on the book I have to read and study for this class, and I believe it will be the main thing on my mind starting from Wednesday. I am getting a bit more hope with all I have to study. I am still unsure on whether I will manage to take a third exam in the summer, but if I won't I can take it in September which is also fine. I will try to focus on one thing at the time, and the main thing at the moment is to take both protohistory and history of religions in June (which ironically enough will be on the exact same date which is going to be fun).

Productivity:

finished watching and annotating the history of religions lectures I left unfinished last week

highlighted those notes

made a bit of a study plan for the beginning of the week and checked my general exam to do list

checked when I'll be able to book my exams for the summer session

read the last article on protohistoric ceramics I had to work on (which was one of the most boring things I have ever read)

read and annotated the additional notes on metallurgy the professor uploaded online

finished highlighting all my protohistory notes

edited a couple of bookish posts that I will hopefully post soon

posted this book review (btw yesterday I posted a few book reviews in case you missed any)

practiced Irish on duolingo (I am still in a weird phase in which I am only able to do the bare minimum, but at the moment with everything I have to study it's the best I can do. I will hopefully have some time to focus more on it during the summer!)

emails

Self care:

read first thing in the morning

📖: The Left Hand Of Darkness by Ursula K. Le Guin (I was initially considering keeping this book for the summer, but then it was the one I was the most intrigued by on my shelf rn. I hope that the fact that I will have to study a lot for uni won't influence my reading experience too much because I have very high hopes for this!)

🎵: Good To Be Alive by PVRIS

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thecandywrites · 11 months

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Monster March Day 29- Dragon

Dragon's Rite Flight

@borealwrites I only have two left. Thank you everyone for your patience.

Monster March 2023 Day 29- Dragon

You tried not to cry as you carefully brushed and polished each scale of your dragon. It would only be a few more days before all the dragons themselves would take their own rite flight over the supersphere and you didn’t know how long your dragon would be gone for. Some dragons took only a few months, others took years. And while you got to help your parent’s dragons hatch this clutch out and help raise them. They had warned you for years, that this day was coming, and that this was always the eventuality. And that if dragons came back, they came back, or if they found a mate or a home elsewhere, they did. And while part of you wished yours would come back, you knew that the moment Monxa’s feet would leave the ground, the dragon you felt you knew almost as well as you knew yourself and one of your closest friends might never come back. And that if Monxa did, they would most likely not be the same Monxa that you had grown up with and grown so close to over the years.

‘You could always come with me.’ Monxa suggested just as the first few tears fell from your eyes as they had blurred your vision.

“No, the last thing you need is me being a cock block for you. No self respecting female dragon would want anything to do with you or want to be your mate if I’m the worst third wheel to have. I just, you’re my friend, I just want you to be happy, with whoever or wherever that happiness is for you in the world. But I also selfishly don’t want to lose you as my closest friend in the world.” You tried to say as you wiped your tears and just focused more on the scales.

‘I will come back. I will bring my mate home to meet you. You’re my rider and no female from anywhere else is going to keep me from coming home to you. I know this ride is going to be the ride of my life and for this it’s going to help me see the world and orientate myself in it. That’s all it is. It’s not some mystical super secret adventure, I’ll tell you all about it and show it to you through my own eyes if I have to. Or, you could go inside, pack your damn bags and come with me, you could see and experience it yourself! Come on! It would be fun!’ He insisted.

“Monxa! No! I would be an intruder!” You balked as he used his snout to push you towards the house.

‘No you wouldn’t. Many dragons have taken their riders on the flights.’ He reminded you.

“And then they never come back again, or if they do, it’s only to restock and refuel before they’re off again. I don’t…I can’t…I’m needed here. And if you’re so sure you’re coming back then I have so much work to do while you’re gone to get a proper home set up for you to bring your future mate to. Besides, I haven’t saved or prepared for such a thing. Such a trip would take at the very least weeks and months of saving and planning for, hell, Vivor and Sheba took years to plan their departure. And I just don’t have the time! You’re supposed to be flying out any minute now. Others have already left early and I don’t want you to miss your call while you wait on me. I have no way of supporting myself if I leave here. I have no way of talking or interacting with anyone else from anywhere else. You need to go and I need to stay. But, please, don’t be gone for five years like Vivor and Sheba did the first time. Ok? Just, if you’re going to settle somewhere, just come back and tell me ok? I can’t…” You tearfully pleaded with him.

‘Then I’ll come back as soon as I can.’ He reassured you as he gently nuzzled you and you barely had finished with his scales before his call was heard and felt even in you as you tearfully kissed his head and watched him fly away. Clutching your favorite scale of his to your chest as you watched him join tens of thousands of others into the air and fly off into the horizon and all you could do was hope and pray that he would come back to you.

However, within moments, he had somehow flew around and came in behind you and within moments, had picked you up and tried to carry you off.

“Wait! Wait! Ok, ok, fine, fly me back, let me at least saddle you and ride you proper ok?” You called to him before he did and you had never been so happy he came back for you. You haphazardly packed everything you could think of to bring. Including every bit of physical wealth you could get your hands on.

“What are you doing?” Your mother asked as she watched you practically run through the house, happy tears coming from your eyes as a happy and overjoyed smile was plastered on your face.

“Going on the rite flight with Monxa!” You hollered back.

“Figured, come here, I made this for you.” She said as she pulled out a very well packed pack for you that was hiding under a coat by the door.

“You knew?” You asked her as you took it and put it on.

“I had a feeling. Have fun, come home safe. But you should have enough to last you at least a year or so. Have fun Sweetheart. I know Monxa will take especially good care of you, and I trust you both to keep your wits about you and be safe out there.” She cooed as she hugged you and kissed your cheeks before she helped put the new helmet onto your head before you fled from the house and practically leaped onto Monxa’s saddle and held on and squealed in delight when he took to the air and in mere moments had rejoined the others who had left before you noticed you weren’t the only one to do so as there were now, hundreds of others riding their dragons for this pivotal flight. So that you at least had friends and wouldn’t be doing so all alone and on your own. You had Monxa’s wings and your parent’s love in the pack on your back and the saddle you were hanging onto as Monxa shared his sight with you as you could get a chance to see the air currents and the columns of hot or cold air. It was so beautiful. And the start of the perfect adventure.

#monster march 2023 #Monster March 2023 Day 29- Dragon

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2dkapsddr · 4 months

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December 31st, 2023 - IIDX 31, DDR A3, Arcaea, PIU Phoenix, ProSeka

NOW IT'S THE REAL GRAND FINALE!!! And what better way to celebrate than getting permission to pay Round 1 a lil visit?? (Granted at the cost of paying breakfast at my workplace for my whole family during one of their busiest days, i still feel so bad...)

since i had just eaten a chocolate croissant and 1 (one) pancake, i started off slow and warmed up with my favorite game to play on a full stomach (not really): IIDX EPOLIIIIIIIIIIIIIISS (dan dan dada daan dan dada daan dan dada daan dan dan dan)

stiiiill doing the usual of practicing with RANDOM, but getting more comfortable with using hard gauge! only problem? i forgot premium time (and lost two credits to it)

meh, i'll do better next year (i think)

now, this part was the biggest part and the greatest change of plans i've probably had. originally, since the cab was empty, i was gonna go play sdvx to continue warming up and since i didn't wanna throw up my breakfast still. but then i decided, "yea, i feel fine enough. to the ddr cabs! (also i have sumidagawa karenka stuck in my head please help)"

and what i found at the cabs as a result was... a new year's eve tourney i had no idea about!! hosted by the one and only hambones!!! and (almost) EVERYONE was there to game!!!! sign ups were still open, and a friend from there was Really pushing me to sign up, so i signed up and did a warm up set at first before moving on to the qualifiers!

set A of the qualifiers consisted of Dancer in the flare ESP-13 (DDR A, banger), Like A Star ESP-14 (DDR A3, way harder than i thought it'd be), and Electronic Dance System Music (DDR A, i set my scroll speed too low). Once I did it, it was... very dissatisfying. I could've had better MA, but I struggled finding the timing window and had poor EX score overall.

set B though? KILLED IT. it consisted of Going Hypersonic ESP-15 (DDR A20, very technical rhythms), Black Jackal ESP-15 (DDR A20, more of an MA challenge), and Firestorm CSP-16 (DDR A20, chart added in A20 PLUS, hope you like shocks!), and since I'm a huge fan of uppers charts, I had a blast putting on a show for everyone waiting to get the tourney on (since i was the last one to arrive and last one to finish my qualifiers). Got an AAA on Going Hypersonic and 2g on Black Jackal, and also a really neat upscore on Firestorm!!!

when all was said and done and the tourney scores were tallied, i ended up 5th place overall; barely falling short of the top 4 that would play a new set of two 16s and a 17 that were all really fun... but i was pretty satisfied with my score regardless!!! while i waited for the tourney to end and the results to be announced, i remembered arcaea was having their new year's 100 memories promotions, i finally claimed it for the first since since i downloaded the app 5 years ago!!! ...only to find out that the memories expired 2 days after claiming them (literally Why)

as soon as i got them, though, i Instantly knew what i wanted to buy. that's right. OVERDRIVE!!!! played it three times while everyone else was playing: first attempt was a 69% gauge fail, second attempt was an almost-AA 9.49M, and third attempt was a sick 9.63M jump!!! def worth the impulse purchase

anyways, back to the tournament: after everyone played the three songs, the scores were tallied once more and the victors were called up one by one to claim their prizes. after the top 4 were announced (ambones obvs being 1st), the Hambones Award for Rising Star of the Tournament was announced; pulling ahead by 1 singular vote, it was... ME!!!! 2DKAPS DDR RISING STAR!!!! i was so happy to receive it, and even happier (sorry) when i saw the prizes, which were INSANELY COOL!!! a MAX 300 badge, a Valkyrie Bloom sticker, and some sick shades!!! (and $6 too somehow LOL)

as much as you'd wanna think this post is over now with everything i had written before, NOPE!!! the tournament may have ended already, but i STILL had time to play some extra sets before leaving!! (gotta make up for missing that banger tourney set)

also holy shit tumblr is lagging because of the sheer length of this post LMFAO so we gotta be QUICK!! ROLL IN THE BANGERS!!!

Roppongi A 996k GFC!!!

ELECTRONIC SPORTS COMPLEX ESP-17 GFC!!! (AAA Never)

Death by Glamour ESP-14 AAA!!!

MENTANPINDORADORA AAA!!!

HOU DSP-16 FIRST TRY CLEAR ON FLARE V!!! I SAVED THE BIRD!!!!!!!!

decided that wasn't enough and wanted to close out the session with an extra set, which i Immensely regretted (i was in no shape and no fullness to play sadly)

after all this, i went home to take my Last Shower of 2023:tm: and take it easy for the rest of the year over at my sister's house... but i still had my phone to play on and some proseka to wrap up the year with!!!

so, with all of that writing and all of this buildup, i finally present to you: my last two scores (one append score and my very last AP) of the year! a really wonky and kinda lame year overall, but there was def a lot i wanted to talk about and def a lot more i'll write in the soon-to-come year recap document (along with a 2024 goals post tomorrow!!!), but i'll end it off with these scores and come with more in the next year! thanks for everything in 2023, everyone!!!

#2dkaps 2023 #2dkaps iidx #2dkaps ddr #2dkaps arcaea #2dkaps proseka #2dkaps piu #2dkaps iidx 31 #2dkaps ddr a3 #2dkaps piu phoenix

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olivieraa · 4 months

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I went to bed really upset last night

I think there was a variety of factors that made me into a bit of an emotional mess after finishing attack on titan

Its like "its just an anime" or "its just a show"

Firstly, it was the anime/show that's been in my life the longest. 2013-2023. I associate a lot of my tumblr posts with the show. I called any character Kaji Yuki voiced in any other anime 'Eren' for fun. My time watching the first season is so vivid to me. I remember so much about analysing this show, and talking about it with friends.

Secondly, due to my OCD, the O stands for obsessive, and that connects to a lot of things, but its extremely hard to get me out of my Obsessive mode. I actually planned to make this rewatch last a couple of months. I was like "ah yeah Ive seen season 1 three or four times so its not gonna be that entertaining watching it again, I'll try watch a few a day". ...That didn't happen. I dont know why or how, but season 1 felt v different to me. I still got chills, I still got shocked when something happened, I would finish an ep and have the urge to scream from the adrenaline that went through me when something intense happened before a cliffhanger, almost as if I didnt know what was gonna happen next.

The reason I put off watching the show immediately after it ended is bc I'm aware this happens to me and its hard to get out of it. In my head I thought my obsessive nature wouldn't come around until I got to season 3 which I hadn't seen before and I thought I'd get to season 3 by mid-January. But from the absolute get-go, it kicked in, and from 7pm on the 21st of Dec to 4am on 26th of Dec, I binged the absolute fuck out of the show, taking breaks to do essential things like eat and shower. I barely slept.

So needless to say, I've only just come back to reality.

Third, I'm emotional af. Stories impact me on a really high scale, and I start to get stomach aches and chest pains bc of it. Esp if the story is magnificent. I finished that show last night and when I saw "The end", I was still crying, I hurt all over, and I just happened to be lucky that a friend who has seen it (and shockingly, doesn't watch anime) replied back to me and we talked about for a little bit. It helped to rant it out a bit but my sleep deprivation caused me to make so many typos and I officially had to sleep, which was hard, due to the chest pains.

And fourth, I believe what I just watched was perfection. To ever rewatch the show again, I'll see everything differently. Everything. The first 5 seconds of the show will be different. And when I'd had that realisation, I started crying again.

Like, I'm thinking of moments in the show that are literally just "characters swinging around and slashing titans" which is what the show was first known for, and now I'll be thinking "holy shit, these scenes have a bigger significance than you realise".

And for a show that's not about romance, the romantic tragedy that ties it all together, is what got me more than anything.

If this show gave off a vibe that the creator never knew where he was going with it, then I dont think it would be as impactful. As someone who loves Stranger Things, not everything ties up perfectly. And maybe the creators had an idea of their ending and then had to figure out how to get there, but it doesn't show. I've a feeling that by the end of that show, I'll be thinking that they ran through different drafts for their ending and finally settled on one and brought back a few tiny moments from the other seasons that ties it in and boom, done.

But almost every moment of attack on titan comes full circle, to the extreme point that I believe he wrote this whole thing out, almost every millimetre of it, and then released it at a specific pace up until recent years, and then obviously the anime adapted it. Yes he could have made slight changes along the way like "I originally wanted this character to say this line but changed it to this character cause it was more fitting" or something like that, but nothing that would really change anything about the direction he was heading with it.

Do I regret binging it? Yes, bc I have loads to do that I now have get stuck into with v little breaks (SnK was SUPPOSED to be my breaks), but also, mainly, bc I felt like I was there. Like when you're away from home for a month and you come back and everything feels weird and sorta wrong. So that's a learning lesson to myself. Never binge again.

Last time I did that was with Succession, but I'm just lucky that Obsessive mode kicked in about 20 eps in (so the first 20 I watched one a day), and so when Obsessive mode came in, it was for the second set of 20 episodes).

Unlike SnK where I watched almost 100 eps in 5 days :')))

Anway, I'll be thinking about this fucking show for a while, especially Eren. Especially Eren. He's just too complex, and I like to analyse, and that's some long analysation.

Also Mikasa and Levi impacted me too (Hange is my girl tho).

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I'm glad I wrote this out. My thoughts are going through my head way too fast for my typing to keep up so I've had to slow down my thoughts and so my breathing is a little better this time around lmao

I'ma miss this show, and I look forward to the day I rewatch it and take every speckle of the show in again. Knowing my ass, it'll be on my next break which is sooner than I'd like it to be, cause I know what my addictive obsessive ass is like. Ugh, I'm a wreck

#even that gif is upsetting T_T

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365elephantsoap · 1 year

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THE RUSH

Saturday evening, I was finishing addressing Christmas cards while we watched Bullet Train, when Michael said “why haven’t we received any Christmas cards?!?” I paused to look at him and then responded with “Slow your roll. It’s only the third day of December.” Though, I do have to fess up and admit to feeling a little anxious about how time is flying by and it does sort of feel like Christmas is tomorrow. With the exception of some stocking stuffers, I am done with all of my Christmas present shopping responsibilities. There’s really nothing left for me to do but sit back and celebrate.

Except that’s not how my brain works.

Instead of just soaking in the joys of the holiday season, I’m already planning ahead for 2023. In fact, I feel as if I have already projected myself into the future. Kelly approached me last week to discuss co-teaching a yoga workshop in January. She asked me if I was qualified to teach continuing education hours and I had to go the Yoga Alliance website to figure it out. Turns out I have been doing this yoga thing long enough that I can now teach continuing education hours. I am a little bit floored by this and I am suddenly very aware of how my whole yoga teacher side gig may morph into some thing bigger in the next year or so. Since moving to Kansas City, I’ve had a fairly laisseze faire attitude towards teaching. I have been hesitant to accept teaching opportunities and strict with my imposed rule of teaching no more than two classes a week. I am committed to maintaining some teaching boundaries, but at the same time I might be ready to stretch out my boundaries.

Currently, the wheels in my head are turning around how I am going to fit the anatomy of the shoulder and hips, all the yoga strap modifications to support those joints and an hour of asana with a yoga strap into a three hour workshop. Then those wheels set in motion other wheels in my head on my future creative endeavors. I want to pursue some creative stuff, but I also don’t want to burn candles at both ends. How much do I really need to fill up each day and still leave room for rest. Because rest is the thing I really should be focusing on in this present moment. I am still sick. I have woken up three mornings in a row with a sore throat/ear situation and it is not from sleeping with my mouth open. I have the chew mark lines on the inside of my cheeks to prove it. It’s fine as long as I can peel myself out of bed. Once I’ve showered, used my Neti pot, and downed a shot of DayQuil, I’m good to go. I can get through the day with lots of lemon, honey and mint tea. Until sometime around 3:30. That’s usually when you’ll find me curled up under my desk at work.

But it’s fine.

Really.

I have yet to get around to erasing November from our dry-erase calendar and filling in all the things for December. I plan on sitting down this evening and doing this activity. I kind of have a feeling that just the action of acknowledging that the month of December is happening will anchor me more into the here and now. December is not a leap month. It is a month that deserves to be savored as we celebrate all the good things the year has brought us and reflecting on the not so good things. It is a month for soaking in as much light and warmth as we can in order to sustain us through the next few months of darkness and cold. It is a month for me to throw a stick into those turning wheels in my brain. My focus for this week is to do the bare minimum.

I might be able to manage that.

#rush #Christmas #slow your roll

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purplepiratefaerywitchthing · 1 year

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I Clean Houses and Write Stuff (sometimes)

Blog Post #2 1/9/2023

I'm not writing right now, and I'm not okay with it.

Technically you could argue that I haven't written regularly in a long time. It wouldn't be much of an argument, given that it's absolutely true.

Sometime in that 2018-2019 pre-pandemic era I wrote what would be the final draft of the book I've been working on since I was 12 years old. And when I say final I don't mean "complete;" I mean final as in it would finally leave my head so that something new could take its place.

Because 15 years is a long-ass time to be working on a book. Especially when it isn't very good.

And something new did take its place, once my those guys were free of the gothic feary world my angsty teen brain concocted. The Something New would be drafted three times, many hours spent pouring over laptop and notebooks, doing the thing I'd loved doing for so long it was beyond a hobby, it was part of who I was, like being right-handed or strawberry blonde. The third draft of this Somethibf was even something that would be one step closer to "finished," maybe even publishable...

But then, it was March of 2020. The weird "Chinese virus" we'd kept hearing rumbles about in the news would reach the shores of the US. Suddenly you could die by breathing the air outside your front door, and every media outlet had a field day with headlines listing death tolls, hospitalozation numbers, and repeating the phrase "nothing will ever be the same again" over and over and over.

I didn't sleep for three months.

I cried -sobbed- and screamed for several weeks straight.

I suffered a back spasm that was so painful I physically couldn't lay flat on the floor, my spine seemingly permanently arched. I was able to get that to let go after hours of yoga videos, but then it moved to my foot and I could barely walk. I stopped being able to eat real food because everything made me sick, and would in turn get dangerously close to becoming pre-diabetic because you aren't actually supposed to live off of cheap protein bars.

And during it all, all I could do was read the news.

And read the news.

That story that I spent so much time with was gone, dead and buried with the first 100,000 people in the US to die of COVID-19 no thanks to our screaming lunatic of a 45th president who was elected into office the year I graduated from college. (Talk about a slap to the face to those looking to enter the world and make something of themselves, especially if you were a woman, queer, Black, an immigrant, trans, pretty much anyone not a straight white male.)

I could barely focus on the books in front of me - I read entire novels that I'd forget the second I closed the back cover. Soon I stopped reading books all together.

A small bright spot emerged when a story idea came me, one that had been rolling about the back of my head for some time. I hammered out a draft in record time in the Fall of 2020 and then... That was gone, too, regardless of how I tried to go back to it, how I tried to work on it, edit it, turn it into something for the world.

"Maybe making more money will help," I thought as I picked up more hours at my then-job.

"Maybe having my own space will help," I thought as we emptied our savings account and liquidated every asset we had so we could buy the house of a dreams in September of 2021, big enough for all our animals and for me and my husband Tim to have our own office spaces. Mine was even painted a delightful shade of purple, complete with overflowing bookshelves and a massive window overlooking the street below behind which my mint green sauder desk sits, waiting.

I don't think I've spent more than 24 hours in here, my office, this space that we purchased with everything we had so it could be mine. We've been here for 16 months now.

Mind you, buying the house was not the plan. At least not yet. Ever since the credit cards got taken care of from pandemic aid (the one good thing that came out of those dark months of death, tears, fear and grief), we'd been planning to move out west, somewhere in Colorado where we could see the mountains and be in a not-red state (news flash: Ohio sucks). But then we found our now house, a beautiful thing that's a hundred-and-some years old with real wood trim, badly finished rooms and generations of stories right in what's become our favorite, artsy district of Cleveland. Lots of mental creative energy has been spent planning: how do we make this ancient place that's been through so much ours? How do we heal it, fix it, honor it's history while bringing it to our modern era?

It's stressful as all hell, not to mention expensive and time consuming, but I've loved it. We have it all planned out; wooden countertops in the kitchen, black tile in the bathrooms, an attic library, a basement game room, a second shower.

I try to tell myself that I haven't been writing because that part of my brain that longs to make things has been making our house our house. Constantly working, picking, problem solving the way it does when I'm drafting.

Part of me believes me.

Part of me wonders if I will ever write again.

After all, writing up until the pandemic was such a part of who I am, it was hard to call it a hobby.

But, is it still?

I don't know.

I don't like not knowing.

***

Flash forward to now, 2023. I've stepped away from the ever demanding customer service desk I've been chained to since I was 17 and am now working for myself, quietly cleaning houses, alone with my music, my thoughts, and the home owner's pets.

It's good work; I'm making more money, and have a lot more time now.

But do I have Grass is Always Greener Syndrome, too?

Am I just thinking, "maybe this atmospheric change will fix my internal problems, because I don't even know where to begin on those?"

It makes me sigh heavily. Perhaps that's why I spend my free time sitting in the living room under a blanket watching true crime docs on Hulu.

#writeblr #writing #writing community #blog post #personal #post-pandemic life #not writing #bloggers of tumblr #blogs of tumblr #pandemic #2023 #mental health #I Clean Houses and Write Stuff Blog

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just-jordie-things · 7 years

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Like She’s Mine (part fourteen) - Stiles Stilinski

warnings: the usual. mentions of alcohol? word count: 2023

[July, three days before the wedding]

I was rushing around the apartment, tidying as well as I could seeing that the place was a mess. Allison was vacuuming my floors while I swept the kitchen floors and simultaneously wiped down the counter. My hair had a handkerchief holding it all back from my face.

“Has he stayed here at all?” Allison called over the noise.

“Nope. Not once!” I yelled back.

“Stiles?” Madi asked from where she was plopped on the couch. I saw Allison nod to her.

“So he’s been with his dad? For three months?”

“Yep. I’d assume so anyways” I said, angrily throwing the contents of the dustpan into the trash bin. Allison turned off the vacuum and put a hand on her hip.

“So are you broken up?” I threw my hands up in the air.

“I have no idea Al., if we are, he hasn’t bothered to tell me. If we aren’t…. Still hasn’t bothered. He’s barely even come by the place. Really only when ‘Scott tells him I needed him to babysit’. He barely cares at all” Allison frowned at me.

“Have you tried to talk to him?” I shook my head, looking down at the floor for a moment. “I mean… it’s three days until you’re basically spending twenty four hours together” She said, but I could see the hint of a smile on her face as she thought about her wedding.

“I know I know, I just need to get this all figured out. I’m just sorta nervous. What if he doesn’t like me anymore? He used to be so… so… so in love? Now I don’t think he really wants anything to do with me”

“That’s not true I’m sure. In fact I’m sure he still loves you. It’s you and Stiles-”

“You always say that. It’s me and Stiles. I don’t think that really makes sense to me anymore. Maybe it used to, but now he’s successfully avoided me for months. I think we’ve lost it Alli”

“You’ve said that before. And this is nothing compared to what you’ve gone through. I think you can make it through this” I sighed and went back to scrubbing the countertops. “You still love him right?”

“Yeah of course I do” I responded.

“Well then what's stopping you?”

“Fear of rejection?”

When we’d finished cleaning and Allison went home, I’d taken Madi back to sit on my bed while I looked over my shoe choices. The dress that Allison had picked for me to wear was actually beautiful, it was a deep blue dress that fell a little past my knee, and had long lace sleeves. It was gorgeous. She had planned for my hair to be in effortless curls that would probably take an hour to perfect. Yeah, I think it’s ironic too.

“Madi, white heels or black?” I held out the choices to her.

“Those!” She said excitedly as she pointed to the white ones.

“Yeah I think so too” I smiled and slipped them on my feet, admiring them in the mirror. “Good choice” I told her with a wink and put the other pair away. Madi smiled at me and rolled back on the blankets, kicking around and laughing delightedly. After one more look in the mirror, I decided that these are indeed the shoe I was looking for. Then put them in a safe place in my closet. I turned to see Madi lying back on the bed and crawled in next to her, staring up at the ceiling as she was. “What're we thinking about little girl?” I asked, and she blinked.

“Where's Stiles?”

“At home with his dad, you saw him last week”

“Today?” I shook my head.

“Sorry baby… I think he's busy” She frowned and looked over at me. “I'm sorry honey” I held my arms out and she crawled over, laying her head on my chest and the rest of her body pressed against my side. I rubbed a hand up and down her back, whispering softly until she seemed calm and no longer sad.

“Mommy can I have lunch?”

“Magic word?” I asked, already sitting up and lifting her to set her safely on the ground.

“Pwease?” I giggled and nodded.

“Alrighty, since you asked so politely” I said in a posh accent that made her giggle and run (as best as her little legs could take her anyway) into the kitchen. “How about mac and cheese?”

“My favorite!” She said excitedly, and rabbed the seat of a chair. I watched as she stepped onto a bar under it and pulled herself on top.

“Oh good job! You’re such a big girl aren’t you?” I said, clapping for her and grinning.

“I am mommy!” She exclaimed as I poured a box of noodles into the boiling pot of water. Madi was singing a song I’d never heard of at the table while I nonchalantly stirred the pot. I think she started to just sing gibberish words because I couldn’t even make out what was being said, but then I heard her repeat ‘humpty dumpty’ over and over. No, not the rhyme, just the name. But it made me laugh.

When I finished her lunch, I pulled out a small plastic elmo bowl and dumped some macaroni in there for her, and stuck a plastic fork in there too.

“If I let you do it on your own, promise to try to stay clean?” I asked, and she nodded, excitedly grabbing for her fork.

“I promise mommy!” She said.

“Wait a moment or two dear, it’s gonna be hot” She nodded.

“Okay mommy” I ruffled her hair and went into the kitchen to get myself a bowl. Right as I’d scooped up a large spoonful to plop into it, there was knocking at the door.

I swear the gods don’t want me to eat.

But, as I always do, I walked over to the door. But not before putting my helping of lunch into my bowl. I took a few bites on the way, trying to enjoy my meal before Allison yanks me away for last minute wedding planning, or Scott begs to know what Allison’s dress looked like. Part of me hoped it was Stiles, standing there out of breath from running up the stairs. Maybe he’d come in and just kiss me, like he did the first night, tell me he loved me and was sorry. We’d both apologize and kiss again before he pulled me in for a tight hug. I was smiling when I opened the door. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

“Theo?” My voice was muffled from the mac and cheese in my mouth, but manners were the last thing I cared about at the moment.

“Hey… y/n” I nod slowly, waiting for him to tell me just what the hell he was doing here. “I came by to see you, but mostly Madi” I raised my brows, peaking around the corner to where my daughter was gleefully eating her lunch while saying ‘humpty dumpty’. How ridiculous and young.

“And you’re here because…?”

“Because she’s my daughter and I have the right to come see her?” I grit my teeth but stepped away so he could come in.

“You get one chance Raeken. One” I hissed quietly. “And if you screw it up, then you lose that right. You lose the right of being her father, you lose the right of coming into this apartment, or ever speaking to either one of us again. Do. You. Understand?” I was trying to keep quiet, as not to alert Madi, but it was difficult not to yell at him, and to keep my voice even.

“I understand” He said with a curt nod. I walked into the dining room, and Madi turned to look at us, cheese all over her face. I giggled softly and walked over to her, setting my own bowl on the table as I took a napkin and cleaned her mouth.

“Who is that mommy?” She whispered, staring at Theo with big eyes.

“That… he’s… Madi this is your Dad” She stared at me now, surprised and something else I couldn’t really tell. Maybe sadness.

“He is?” She asked, and Theo walked over closer.

“I am, it’s nice to meet you Madison” He said, kneeling down to be at her eye level. She stayed silent, looking at me nervously.

“It’s okay Madi” I reassured, and helped her off of the chair. “I’m gonna go change out of my work clothes” I said to them, and began to walk back to my room. But I was stopped when I felt little arms wrap securely around my leg.

“Mommy don’t leave me” She whispered up to me, her voice bordering a whimper.

“Oh sweetie don’t be silly, I’m coming right back. Why don’t you show your father your toys?” She let out a few uneven breaths, and I bent over to pull her from where she’d wrapped herself around my leg.

“Mama-”

“You’re fine love, I’ll be right back” I said, and walked to my room, closing the door before she could run in with me.

(third pov)

“You wanna show me your toys?” Theo asked Madi, an she shook her head. “Okay, you wanna show me your room?” Another head shake. He tried to think of what to do to make her earn trust in him, but nothing much came to mind. She was just standing there staring up at him, fingers playing with the poofy material of her green mermaid scale styled skirt. “You like living here with Mommy?” Theo asked, awkwardly putting his hands in his pockets. She nodded this time.

“And Alli and Scoot- Scott- and… and sometimes auntie Lydie and Stiles” She said, forming words as best she could. “Stiles is my daddy” Theo’s brows raised, blood instantly boiling. “He’s my daddy. You’re not my daddy”

He kneeled down quickly, unsure of what to do seeing as she was almost three years old, just that he knew he was angry and know one pisses of Theo Raeken without paying for it. But y/n came back into the room.

(back to your pov)

I smiled as I walked in to see Theo tickling Madi, making her giggle and squeal. But when She turned and saw me, she ran right back to me and hugged my jean clad legs. She sat on my feet and buried her face into my shins.

“Having fun?” I asked with a small smile. Theo nodded and I looked down to Madi, who didn’t give me an answer, just hid herself further against me. “Alright… maybe it’s time for your nap, is that alright?” SHe nodded, and lifted her arms so I could pick her up. “Uh, Theo there’s macaroni in the kitchen if you’re hungry, and drinks in the fridge” I said. He nodded, and promptly took Madi to her room.

“Mommy I want Stiles” She told me when I set her in her crib, sliding off her clothes to put on her comfy pajamas.

“I know sweetie but Theo’s your father” I told her.

“Mommy I don’t like him” She whispered out, and I smiled sadly.

“You’ll grow to I’m sure. It takes time to like people” I said, putting on her fluffy pink pajama set. “I love you baby “ I leaned over and kissed her forehead softly.

“Love you mommy” She said back in a hushed and sleepy tone. I left the room trying to compose myself as best I could. But all I could think of was how it didn’t take any time for her to like Stiles. She’d loved Stiles immediately. Maybe keeping them away from each other for the past three months hadn’t been a good decision. Maybe I was the one in the wrong and I should’ve fought harder to keep him around. I went into the dining room, seeing Theo looking in the fridge.

“I thought you had drinks, where’s the beer?” He asked. I winced, and collapsed on the sofa, pulling out my book and ignoring him.

I missed Stiles too.

ooh guys pt 15 is the wedding... i’m excited to share with you. it’s going to be super long, like super long, so idk when it’ll be posted yet. have a good rest of your week kiddos!

tagged: @morganschiebel @celestial-writing @bunnyboo10154 @imissyoualittlemoreeveryday @peter-andhislostgirls @almondmilkislove @kindfloweroflove

xoxo ~ jordie

#teen wolf #teen wolf imagine #teen wolf scenario #teen wolf x reader #teen wolf fanfiction #stiles stilinski #stiles stilinski fanfiction #stiles stilinski imagine #stiles stilinski scenario #stiles stilinski x reader #dylan o'brien #dylan o'brien fanfiction #dylan o'brien imagine #dylan o'brien x reader #dylan o'brien scenario

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