#i had to send this to myself on discord so i could post it from mobile | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

directdogman · 2 months

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Hey there's someone trying to say you said you were pro Israel on discord? They're anonymous and say you blocked them before they could get screenshots so I don't really believe them, but still :[

Mhm. Nice bit of news to wake up to, this.

Yeah, so this person's a troll and they're more than likely lying on purpose in order to try to me look bad because I blocked them on Twitter for being unpleasant, something I rarely even do and they're still seething about it. The block had nothing to do with Gaza, the person was just being annoying and I thought it'd be healthier to block and move on. I'd really prefer not to have to give this person energy, but if there's a rumor going around, I'd like to nip it in the bud, since it's very easy to disprove in this case.

To explain what this person's blathering about: Earlier this week, on a Phonegingi plush advert, this random user that doesn't follow me (and actually instructs fans of mine not to interact with them in their bio) made a dramatic QRT decrying me for posting a DT advert during a strike week, which I honestly had no clue it was, especially since my own timeline was (and still is) full of accounts posting normally.

Given that the person seemingly encountered one of my posts in the wild and ended up seething because of it + likely didn't want anything to do with me on their timeline (as their bio indicated), after thinking it over briefly, I did the healthy thing and just blocked the person + moved on. Makes sense, right? I'll admit: Even if the way the person approached me was regrettable, if I'd known it was a strike week, I'd have participated (as I'd participated in the last one), so I stopped posting teasers for the week anyway, only resuming again yesterday.

I'll also say: I checked my own timeline btw and looked at the accounts posting, and nobody else had anyone acting like this in their replies, even the much larger accounts. Nor did anyone else contact/reply to me in any way stating any disapproval.

Given that I've only blocked one account recently that isn't a replybot (and ofc, given the subject matter of that tweet), I'd have to assume that this is the anonymous person spreading stuff.

I'd understand where this person was coming from if maybe I'd stayed completely silent about Gaza, (which a lot of accounts I follow have) but I haven't. I had a Palestinian aid post pinned on my Twitter for weeks, I've talked about Gaza's child population and my support for South Africa's Hague suit in my discord server, I've engaged in the boycotts, wound down posting during strikes, donated a pretty substantial amount of Dialtown revenue towards sending money/esims... I have 4 bucks in my bank account right now and when my next DT check comes in, you'd better believe I'll be giving more. That's my right as a private citizen and one I'll continue to exercise.

I feel pretty uncomfortable having to put this stuff in front of me to 'prove' myself, even if some of it is public anyway. Charity should be something you do because you CARE and if it wasn't for this person, I'd have been far happier keeping a lower profile and not explicitly calling attention to my own aid, but given this ask, I feel it'd be stupid not to nip this in the bud. The majority of this information could be easily found with the tiniest amount of digging, btw, so it's not like the user couldn't have known any of this. This is the part of having a fandom that creators seldom talk about. You block one person for being a lil annoying, next thing you know, there's rumors that you support genocides! Fun.

So yeah, I'd like you to tell this person to just move on like a normal person (send them this post if you have to) and to stop spreading incorrect rumors about me out of spite. If they insist, I'm happy to pull up receipts to prove everything I've said. If they actually thought I was pro-Israel, they wouldn't be spreading it anonymously, they'd be writing another public post about the subject matter. Also if you see anyone repeating the rumor, please correct them. Thanks.

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cupcakeslushie · 1 month

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Where do you get the motivation to make the comics that you do hot damn

Aw, I just really love this fandom, and the show gave us so much to work with that unfortunately, we didn’t get to explore!

I do get kinda burned out sometimes. A pretty bad, 2 month art block finally feels like it’s starting to pass…

Sometimes I get so tired, that I have nothing left in the idea well, and I’m just running in circles by pushing myself. When this happens, I’ll force myself to take a break—sometimes work on other creative endeavors, outside of tumblr. If I don’t step away, I can get stuck in this stupid perfectionist spiral, where nothing I make is satisfying anymore.

I think I’ve just learned over time, what’s a necessary growth road bump to be pushed through, and what’s actually my body, telling me it needs a breather.

But also seeing all the cool art/edits/writing/etc the fandom have done can often inspire me to get back to it! And a ton of motivation comes from reading tags/notes left on my posts or in my ask box! It’s always a nice thing to see—even if I’m creating the stuff that I, myself like seeing—it’s not as though that extra bit of positive feedback doesn’t factor into my motivation level! I’d still create stuff, but probably not nearly as quickly, or as much, before moving onto another interest.

I think the fact that I’ve remained motivated to stay creating in this fandom, speaks a lot to the quality of the show, and the fans. There’s of course some…less than polite ppl, that could treat creators with a bit more kindness (👁️👄👁️). But I’m very lucky in that, I’ve personally, never felt so welcome and included in a space. I luv my buds in the discord Council, who are all constantly bouncing ideas off each other, and hype-man-ing it up. And so many creators whom I respect, will send positive feedback my way. I’ve never had all that before, as a chronic lurker in other fandoms. It’s all just having too much fun to stop!

#ask slushie #rottmnt #beeb if it wasn’t obvious you’re included in those creators I respect #love your art style and your ideas!!#can I send you some motivation if you need? 💚✨🫲

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winndycakes · 29 days

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I did not wish to make this, I do not wish to bring bad light to others, so I am doing everything I can in this statement to keep it as vague as possible to grant others the same privacy I should have. But because my privacy was not respected I have no choice but to come forward with this.

If you know what I am talking about, then this is my side of things. If you don't know what I am talking about, then please move on.

(Also to note, I realize what day I am posting this on. This is absolutely NOT a joke.)

To preface this. My dad died suddenly Feb 26th. I cannot begin to detail what it feels like to lose him, after I've lost many others, to try and handle my emotions and grief while also handling the logistics of his belongings and estate, all this while having to write this on top of it. If I come across as intense, this is why.

I was in a discord server when it first opened. I dedicated a lot of time, energy, art and passion to it. I was even a mod at one point but stepped down due to my own reasons.

While there, we had an anonymous survey posted to gather information from the community about the server, what we could do to improve, what was liked and so on. Instead, some used it as a means to anonymously complain about members. I was a target of these complaints.

A quick note. This server was made within a community that has suffered MANY hardships due to anons. Keep this in mind.

One of the rules is that if you have a personal grievance with another member, to try to resolve it through DMs before coming to a mod or to even send in a ticket.

I must be clear; I was NEVER DMed by anyone how I made them uncomfortable. Not once. Nor were these complaints directly messaged to the mods. This was all through the survey (I will touch up more on this later).

I and other staff/mods that used to be on the team suggested we remove the anonymity. It's too risky for it to be abused, because as noted earlier, this community has suffered a lot through abuse from anons. This suggestion was ignored.

Now, I suppose I should say what the complaints were about. I was told I made others uncomfortable due to, and I am paraphrasing here; "talking over others, redirecting conversations back to myself and my ocs, and making too many jokes and insults about characters."

I will also say. I am autistic. What was mentioned are signs of someone with autism. My dad was autistic. I do not bring this up to deflect or excuse anything, merely to give further context.

I want to explain a bit of my process when I interact with others, in this case especially pertaining to an online space.

When I am talking with someone, anyone, I try to be as inclusive and welcoming as I can be. Saying hello, how they’re doing, that sort of thing. But a conversation is a two way street. If I don’t get a reply or any sort of means to keep the conversation going, I move on. That’s just… how talking goes. I can get very passionate in talking to folks, especially friends and things in line with my interests. It’s hard for me to notice if folks are uncomfortable in person, online it is impossible to tell. I need people to tell me directly if I am doing something uncomfortable and what it is, and if I can fix it.

My process for ocs is this: I see someone talking about their oc, they say something that reminds me of one of mine, then I share my oc. This is not to direct the conversation to me, but to share in it, it is in conjunction. I want to learn more of yours and I do that best by sharing mine. I cannot know if this isn't what you want if I am not told. And I wasn't.

I like to make jokes about characters, analyze them, critique them. I try to do this in a way that makes it clear this isn't an insult to those who like the character(s). But again, I need to be told directly by someone if I need to stop or tone it down. I would only be told sparingly by folks, and when I would, of course I'd stop, do my best to tone it down. But again, I was rarely told directly by people.

What is being described as my crimes are simply the experience of being autistic.

I cannot control it. I cannot stop it. I try to be as inclusive, warm and welcoming to all I come across. You do not HAVE to like me. But if you don't, just ignore me. You HAVE to learn to ignore people who you just… don't like. You have to learn to ignore pet peeves or to reasonably talk to the person. That's life.

So, when I received the above message, I was furious. I was at my dad’s apartment, cleaning out his stuff, and dealing with some harrowing emotions when I got this. I responded that getting this was extremely poor timing and yes, I was angry. But the one who sent this KNEW my dad died. They had seen me post about it, they acknowledged it, and still decided to message me. Who wouldn’t be angry?

Because of what I had been messaged, and the timing, I had decided to go to the owner of the server. I did not feel like it was appropriate for a mod, any mod, to message me about something that is a personal issue that folks should have messaged me themselves (and again, it is listed in the rules that things SHOULD be talked out privately between members before a mod gets involved), in a time that has been hell on earth for me.

I explained to the server owner what all happened with my feelings on the matter. I said that regardless, I would leave the server, because this was something that no one, absolutely no one, should experience. I requested for anything I contributed to the server to be removed, for I no longer felt comfortable for folks to use my art who could be the very same ones pettily using an anonymous survey to speak ill of me. So I sent my message, waited, and got a response.

I do not have anything against the server owner, but there are a few things that I must address with their response as well, because some are factually incorrect. There is full admittance to the complaints received through the anonymous survey, most recently at that. This goes counter to the rules stated that members should resolve private disputes amongst themselves first. (Again please note the screenshots of the rules.)

While perhaps not all of the mods knew of my dad’s passing, but enough DID that they should have known better. I posted briefly in the server in a slow thread so it could be better seen by people, including the mods. I had posted on tumblr as well. But the claim is no one saw it.

Again. This is just not true. Look to the above screenshots.

I do not have a screenshot of when I had sent the message initially in the server of my dad’s passing (I apologize for this), but the point being is that people knew. Another member messaged me in DMs to give their condolences. While I am and have been open about his passing, I also tried my best to not talk too much about it in the server as to bring down the mood, and I sought out the server and talked there as a source of comfort. Saying this was not clear to anyone, is false.

Now, I am sorry that I made people uncomfortable, it was never my intention to, and I will take fault in that. That isn’t what I mean to address in all this. The issue is; if people were uncomfortable, they needed to follow the rules and come to me DIRECTLY stating such, NOT give these complaints through an anonymous survey. And that I should NOT have been told during such an awful period. How can I take this at face value when I am not offered the same?

I wish to point out as well, why I kept bringing up the anonymous survey, and to bring back a note I made earlier.

There is a great deal of falsehood in using an anonymous survey to gather information, when this community has experienced a lot of hardship from anons. I have seen many people torn down and even chased out of this community and others because of people hiding behind anon. Creators, fans, and yes members, mods and even the server owner have all been victim to negativity from anons.

Now, I also must bring attention to this.

This is a screenshot I was sent of another mod posting, after I left. This is ABSOLUTELY NOT OKAY. This is why I feel the need to make this statement. Giving details like this is completely unnecessary, and with this said after I left is unacceptable.

I am sorry to be redundant, but I truly am sorry if I ever did make people uncomfortable. All I wanted to do was to make friends and share in the joy in creating art and characters with others. To share space in a community with something I truly found enjoyable. It’s why I’d get enthusiastic whenever OC’s were brought up and I’d share mine. I also wanted to share joy in the topic of the server, and yes some of that for me IS making jokes about characters or even giving critique.

I am not saying any of this to bad mouth or slander anyone. I say all of this to express my side of things. Someone who is grieving the loss of their dad, and so many others who came before him that are making me remember now because of his passing.

#winndy serious

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snake-and-mouse · 3 months

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Regarding the issues surrounding the Kindergarten Mafia discord server, a large fandom server mostly dedicated to the kinnporsche fandom. It is an issue that encompasses multiple events and many other people have been hurt who I do not want to speak for, so this will not be the full picture, just a part of my part. If anyone reads this and has questions, they can reach out to me.

I am Will/Logan, also known as Sweet-William in fanfic circles, and I am not making this post because I have a vendetta, or to be malicious, as some of my previous actions have been called by the moderators of the server. I am making it because I have the right to speak on my experiences (as others I hope will speak up and share theirs, now that they know they are not alone), and because I want to warn people so what happened to me does not happen to them.

I am also making this post because @accal1a aka Hann the admin of the server has refused to delete content created by myself and many of my friends from the server, all of who left because they like me felt unsafe. The original request was sent by proxy as Hann has me blocked, and though they said they would unblock me so we could discuss it, they never did. As a writer I take it seriously when my work, and also details of my personal life, are taken. When I even offered to go through and delete it all myself if temporarily given access to the server, my messages were completely ignored.

The server is not a safe place for people of colour. It is not a place safe from racism, or xenophobia, and its leadership has historically been and continues to this day, to perpetuate racism in fandom spaces and shelter people who have hurt others with no real repercussions, accountability, or transparency.

The original issue was the result of this conversation between myself and Rachael, one of the moderators. I earlier stepped into a conversation where several microaggressions occurred regarding native american culture. As a Native, it was my right to speak up.

After this conversation I was urged to bring the issue directly to Hann, and from there the issues spiralled out of control. Hann originally was very supportive, and we became what I thought to be close friends. They made many reassurances Rachael would be held accountable, and changes would be made to the server to make it a safer place for pocs.

Rachael was never actually held accountable. Even when it came to light she had messaged me to issue the warning while lying to the rest of the mod team that she had "checked in on me" to see if I was alright after the incident. This was not the only time she secretly issued warnings to people, usually to defend her friends.

She was "demoted" but in actuality, the entire mod team was restructured and she simply was not on the top rung. Over the next two months many things happened, most of which are not my story to tell, and then it came to light Rachael had even further lied and never issued any warning or otherwise spoke to the person originally being racist in a mod capacity, this person being her friend, and refused to show what messages she did actially send.

To avoid any punishment she tried to "step down" as a mod before a choice could be made. And this was allowed. She was allowed to step down and continue to be in the server with no one knowing the actual story or that she couldn't be trusted and had abused her position.

After an incredibly vague statement was posted by the mod team regarding Rachael no longer being a mod, I broke and posted the conversation publicly and laid out the actual events. This was met with an overwhelming negative backlash, where it became clear to me this was a community where I was not safe, and any poc speaking up and calling for accountability would be seen as malicious and rocking the boat unnecessarily, while the moderators just watched on in silence.

The few moderators who were advocating for the poc server members were promptly fired, and though at one point a timeline vaguely outlining the events was posted, it and all evidence of what happened to me has since been deleted. And while Rachael originally left saying I was obviously trying to run her off the server, she has already returned at the urging of Hann.

Protecting people of colour and standing up to racism and xenophobia was never a priority in the kingergarten mafia server. And now that Hann has escalated to stealing work from people of colour that they have absolutely no right to, I am speaking up.

Respect us, be an ally, or face the consequences of what your community looks like with us gone.

#kinnporsche fandom #kinnporsche the series #kinnporsche #kimchay #vegaspete #discord #ao3 #fanfic #personal #long post #kindergarten mafia

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gougarfem · 4 months

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how was the process of getting a dumbphone!

oh my god this is something i'm so excited to talk about, sorry it took me so many months to respond!

getting a dumbphone improved my quality of life so so much. i knew my screentime was high, but didn't realise it was a genuine psychological addiction until i quit. the first few days were extremely rough. time seemed to pass about ten times slower, and i was forced to fill the hours with various hobbies and activities. i know we all love to tell people to touch grass, but i really did have to connect with nature and it did wonders for my mental health.

i think for the first three days i was constantly restless and horribly irritable, looked around for my phone every few minutes, felt intense boredom and even cried a few times lol. your addiction may not be as extreme as mine was and this varies from person to person. however, after about a week i realised i remembered everything i'd done each day, because it was filled with intentional activities and little moments of peace rather than a blur of scrolling. i also wasn't on adhd meds yet, which is something i'll talk about in another post.

not having everything at your fingertips is uncomfortable, but (and it's a cliche) you really start to appreciate the world around you more. i looked forward to spending time with my family, because it filled time and i wasn't half-involved in my phone the entire time. i use an mp3 player to listen to music, and uploading music to it is a meaningful and interesting activity, rather than just shuffling a playlist. i listen to whole albums instead of being flooded with dopamine from spotify firing recommended songs at me. i appreciate music more, i make CDs for friends, i have to be intentional in discovering new artists and music. if i'm having an interesting conversation online, i look forward to going home and logging onto my laptop to continue it. i don't spend my commute, time in class, or time with friends texting somebody else. everything feels more intentional, spaced out, and interesting, even the things i do online.

i also found i stopped performing in every activity i did. i stopped thinking about whether i could post it to instagram or instantly send a picture in a discord server. i started picking up new hobbies for myself, not for an online audience, and living in the moment more. this is really important in the modern age, although again uncomfortable.

the best part was how my connections with others increased through having a dumbphone. i started calling friends rather than messaging on five platforms at once, and they started reciprocating. my message threads are continuous, coherent conversations, rather than sending memes. people realised they have to intentionally reach out to me, and i lost relationships with people who weren't interested in that, but strengthened connections with people who did put in the effort (many of whom i barely talked to in the past). i give people my phone number, not my social media handle, and they actually start conversations with me rather than hitting follow. i get to hear my friends' voices when they have drama to share and realise it takes me forever to type on my flip phone keyboard. again, everything is intentional, takes time, and richer than when i had a smartphone.

i genuinely would recommend it to absolutely everyone (i've kind of become like a crossfit guy in telling people to get a dumbphone lol). i won't pretend it's easy, and most people make excuses - for the first few months of having a dumbphone, i was bedbound or in hospital, and truly relied on online connections to pass time and communicate. it still hugely improved my life. however, no matter your situation there are always, always better options than scrolling an app, and you deserve to pass your time in a memorable way. i think most people don't realise they're addicted/reliant on smartphones, and the idea of quitting is horribly uncomfortable, but at least for me, the benefits were worth it.

i'm happy to answer any questions, i literally could talk about this topic for hours (even if it's stuff like "how would i use x app" "how would i replace x smartphone function").

ditch your smartphone babe, u deserve better <33

#asks #hystericelle #dumbphone #phone addiction

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iamstartraveller776 · 22 days

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Feel free to ignore, but you mentioned that the fandom landscape has changed drastically from twenty years ago, and I’m curious what that means for you. I’ve seen lots of posts on the topic, but am interested in your experience if you want to share.

I absolutely can share!

Twenty years ago, I found fandom through bulletin boards or message boards (depending on what you called them). Trekbbs was my first one, and it's still standing. High speed internet was relatively new, and it was easy to keep up with "threads." Whenever you logged in, it would take you to where you left off with any given thread so you could catch up. (Discord does this...kinda, but Discord moves at warp speed where BBS's moved at impulse power.) It was easier to stay connected, to get to know people. Also, the boards were (and are) heavily moderated. Trolls were banned, and folks who got too heated under the collar were usually temporarily banned until tempers cooled. So it was generally a safe environment.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the vast majority of the boards were grown-up only. That's not to say that minors didn't sneak through, but they were on their best behavior lest they get found out and kicked off the board.

And from the boards, we learned where to find fanfic. Back then, even though FFN existed, fic was primarily archived on private sites. There were no such thing as likes and kudos back then. It was fandom etiquette (at least for my corner of the Trek fandom) to leave a comment/review if you read a fic (and be nice about it!). It was the era of Kink Tomato (your kink is not my kink and that's okay) and don't like don't read and simply fun. We had challenges, did round robins—where someone would write a chapter of a fic, then another author would write the next, and so forth.

Even when I made the switch to posting more on FFN, it was pretty normal to send a message to someone to thank them for favorite-ing your story even if they didn't comment. And often they would message back, telling you what they enjoyed. I have some friendships born from this! It was normal. Writers weren't called "needy" and "self-absorbed" for hoping for more interaction with their readers. We were all in this together.

I also did yahoo groups for a time, and had a fantastic time with my friends in an email chain.

LiveJournal was kind of the peak of fandom, IMO. I think it was the first "public" website, rather than something privately owned, where we could build communities (private or public) as well as have our own pages (private or public). Some of the best fandom events happened on that site. But LiveJournal ended up imploding. (Cyber attacks then the new owners started wiping out entire communities without warning for violating the new terms of service. It was horrible.)

So we all moved to Tumblr. (And we were slowly moving to AO3. Some also moved to the site formerly called Twitter.)

Tumblr was pretty awesome back then. Because fandom people took the same community with them when they came. We didn't have replies back then, but dagnabit we screenshot tags or reblogged comments and posted them with replies. It was easier to follow tags and even some fandoms created blogs that were archives for fics. (Myself included.) The downside was, and continues to be, lack of moderation. Not that I think fandom should be gatekept, but it isn't as easy-going when you do have to worry about putting up with trolls as a rule rather than the exception.

Alas, life happened and I had to step away for a few years. When I came back...it's so much quieter. Significantly less interaction. Less comments on fics. There's just...less connection in general. People tend to flit in and out of fandom more often. And on top of that, there is the odd movement that fanworks shouldn't contain anything that would make a reader/viewer uncomfortable or is unrelatable to the general masses. As a fanworks creator, there have been times I felt more like a monkey dancing for a demanding audience rather than a squee-ing fan sharing things with fellow sqee-ing fans. I seriously questioned for a long time whether I would bother anymore.

(This also doesn't mention how streaming and binge-watching series rather than weekly releases have affected fandom. It's different when you get one episode a week for an entire season of 20-24 episodes than when a streamer releases the entire 8-10 episode series at once.)

A part of this is me, too. I don't have nearly as much time to invest in fandom as I used to. I can't be too critical of the changes in fandom, but it is different.

And so I hang onto a few of the friends I've found (like you!) and continue to find here and there. I write whatever I want and delete rude comments. I always reply to the others. And I keep plugging on!

Thank you for asking! And thank you for being part of what I love about being on Tumblr even after all these changes! (Sorry I got a bit verbose!)

#star replies #about me #fandom #curator on ao3 #fandom old

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friendlybowlofsoup · 1 year

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Addressing My Recent Hiatus

Hello Everyone,

I wrote this post thinking it would be quick, but it ended up taking me about five hours to put all the words down coherently. As such, I will put the TL;DR here:

I am okay, but I have been grieving the loss of my dog since last year. Writing was put to the background until recently, but I'm slowly getting in the groove again, so I can only ask for your continued patience.

I am still trying to figure out a good system to keep myself in check, but moving forwards is all I plan to do, so hopefully, only good news ahead ^^

Below is the full explanation of the situation, but serves more as an outlet for me than information for you. Feel free to ignore it, as I leave my send-off here.

To everyone, I am truly thankful for the kind messages and asks received during my break. Although you didn't know it, seeing those messages in my email and discord made me feel less isolated, and I hope to return your kindness tenfold through my work.

In November, my dog passed away in a sudden accident. I have parted from beloved pets before, but never in such an abrupt and cruel way. Because of Covid, I spent every single day of the last three years at his side, and within the first few months of moving out again for school, he was gone before I could say goodbye.

I have been struggling to process it. It feels like it was my fault, that this happened because I had moved away. I convinced myself that if I lost him because of my studies then I should at least do it well, and so nothing but schoolwork could lessen my guilt. Honestly, I still can't shake this feeling, but I also don't want to keep doing this to myself.

This past week was my spring break, and I have been working to get back to my hobbies. My family and I cried and grieved together, and my friends have been enduringly supportive--with all of their help, I finally forced myself to sit down and write after three months, and today, I was able to make this post to all of you.

GotRM will be, as always, slow-moving. School continues to go on, and I'm still not in the best headspace, but I will put in an effort to write more everyday.

Things are looking up. I am better than I was before, and I am happy to be back (´꒳`)♡

Expect some asks to be answered in the coming weeks! I am writing with a rusty hand again, so please critique me on anything funky as it comes up.

Thank you again for your continued support of GotRM.

- Mei

#update

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sprout-fics · 5 months

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I dont know if this’ll make sense so I will try my best, but I hope in the end it’ll just help ease the anxiety you might have cause I’m normally a silent observer and like watching and reading and enjoying from afar

But you know Christmas cacti? It’s a plain little succulent that quietly makes a space in your home green and pleasant? But during the cold months it’ll make these bright beautiful flowers that are just so vibrant and pretty compared to the leaves and it’s hard not to look at cause gosh is it pretty. And they’ll stay for some time, a good couple of weeks, and then the blooms will fall off and it’s back to its sleepy self again till next season.

That’s how I come to this blog, and your writing. It’s so lovely, even when you haven’t posted anything. It’s a comfort to come back to and I enjoy each and every time cause it was great from the beginning. And when you post something new, it’s so exciting and I come running.

So if you find yourself just wanting to sit back, not posting so often, I’m very sure so many of us will come flocking to your writings or posts anyways cause even if it doesn’t last long or forever or it’s only a short time, we’ll enjoy what you have to give cause it’s a treat every single time. Like a Christmas cactus

Does that make sense? Anyways. I will always look forward for what you have to give, even if it’s weeks, months, or years in between each release of anything. Cause it’s worth it to me and it’ll feel just as good as the first, second, and third time, ya know?

Happy belated birthday, sorry I didn’t say it sooner, but take care of yourself. You deserve every good that you get so take it! 😊

I've read this message several times within the past day. I think it's one of the sweetest, kindest, most thoughtful messages I've ever had the pleasure to receive. I wish I had words to express how much I cherish it. I am so honored to be the recipient of this.

I used to feel the same way about this blog. It was a shelter from the rainstorm, a gentle place to land. Now, it makes me anxious and nervous- like being thrust outside into a gale and not knowing where to go. I think it's time I take a long, very long break. I tried to take one a little bit ago, but I don't think it solved the root issue of why I'm not enjoying myself, whatever that may be. I wish I knew. I wish I knew so I could fix it.

I'll be gone for a while. I'll still be uploading to ao3, but I don't find myself having the energy to crosspost here anymore. I'm not going to stop writing, but I am going to start doing it in a way where I'm writing for myself again, and not for others. I need to find the thing that made me start writing in the first place, so that if and when I come back, it will be through joy, not through an obligation of doing things just to do them. I have to stop treating myself like a content machine.

I'll still reblog things to @sprout-fics-reblogs probably. I like being here and seeing others' art and fics. I just won't be posting myself. I think I'm going to turn off asks as well. Just trying to shrink down and allow this blog to go dormant.

I appreciate every single person who has reached out to me. I have so many kind people following me and I think I take that for granted sometimes. Thank you. If you want to reach out to me, feel free to DM me, and I'll send you my discord.

Talk soon. Thank you. I love you. Bye.

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rissarants · 4 months

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Farewell, My Favorite Fever Dream

Note: If you're only interested in my final show's recap, scroll down a bit. Obviously, spoiler warning. My Previous History with Sleep No More Before this past Saturday afternoon, it had been about a decade since I last checked into The McKittrick Hotel. What I thought would be my final visit was in October of 2013, my best friend and I attended another Sleep No More show that was promptly followed by Panic! At The Disco's album release party. It was an incredible evening, despite the "give me a vodka cranberry, this time with vodka" incident that resulted in a bartender gleefully sending me into a drunken spiral. It was my fourth show and I assumed it would be my last. After all, how many times could a person justify seeing the same show? (After perusing the Sleep No More subreddit and discord... apparently a lot. How the hell are you all affording this?!)

Content with my experiences and convinced I had seen all there was to see, I put that obsession behind me.... or so I thought.

The mysterious and cryptic world of Sleep No More lingered in the back of my head like a haunting melody that refused to fade. Occasionally I would reminisce about the blue-tinged forest maze, the smell of the hotel lobby, and recall my 1:1 with Hecate. I relished retelling my experiences to people who had never been to the show. During the peak of my obsession, I had recapped a couple of my visits here on Tumblr (Sleep No More and The Third Time's The Charm) and I would return long after this blog had grown dormant just to reread those posts. I had toyed with the idea of returning, but as I grew older and life became more expensive, so did the show. I couldn't justify dropping that amount of money on something I had seen four times already. Then came the closing announcement. Suddenly I found myself pulling up the site, going over current ticket prices, and wishing I could take that leap. But I was no longer the financially irresponsible 20-something without real responsibility. I'm in my thirties, a mother, and have things like preschool tuition to worry about.

After a casual conversation with my in-laws over Thanksgiving dinner, the topic of Sleep No More was brought up. Immediately I was gushing about how much I adored the show, my past experiences, and how I had never reached that elusive 6th floor. As a result, they ended up buying me two tickets as my gift for Christmas. They had sprung for the Oz's Guest tickets, so we were able to get priority entry, a table, and a complimentary coat check. It was an incredibly generous gift, and I was nearly moved to tears. I was finally going back. My Final Show Recap After an excruciating month of waiting and obsessing, the day had finally arrived. I was going with my husband who had never attended but heard my stories and was looking forward to seeing it for himself. I wanted him to go in mostly blind and only gave him the most basic of tips (e.g. if an actor offers their hand, take it. If you hear techno music, run towards it.) He understood that we would not be going on this adventure together, I refused to be one of those obnoxious couples who held hands the entire time. Half of the fun is going with someone, separating from them once you enter the hotel, and then talking about what you both experienced afterward. For myself, I had done a bit of research before this final show and was hoping to follow the loops of characters I hadn't paid attention to before. While I had this initial plan, I also promised myself that I would go with the natural flow of things. I had been warned about the aggressive crowds and didn't want to let anything like that spoil my final visit. We arrived early, were checked in swiftly, and given a pair of playing cards (aces, which meant we would be in the first group.) Before I knew it, "The Man Who Knew Too Much Prelude" was filling my ears as we navigated the pitch-black maze that acts like a portal to the Manderley bar. We had a table waiting for us, but since we had aces there was not enough time for a drink. Our group was called, and Steve and I were separated almost immediately. I ended up on the elevator and he was in another group that went up some stairs.

I was the first person off of the elevator and the doors shut quickly behind me. For a split second, I thought I may have been dumped out on the 6th floor, but unfortunately, it was the 5th floor. I spotted the familiar bathtubs and beds of the King James Sanitorium and began to wander. I weaved through the Birch Forest maze, which was every bit as eerie and confusing as I remembered. I saw Matron Lang hanging out in her wooden hut and watched her through the window for what felt like a long time. Eventually, I grew a bit bored and wandered down to Macbeth's bedroom.

I watched the scene where Lady Macbeth eventually convinces her husband to murder Duncan. It was at this point that I considered trying to follow Macbeth throughout the first loop and chased him to the canopy where a sleeping Duncan lay. I watched as Macbeth smothered him with a pillow, a long brutal scene where we had to stand there helplessly as Duncan fought back angrily, eventually weakening and giving up with a final twitch. Macbeth tried to wash his hands in a basin, only to realize that they were now covered in blood. I still can't believe that I somehow missed this pivotal moment in my previous shows. At this point, a sizeable crowd had gathered around the (quite handsome) actor who played Macbeth and I noticed a few aggressive women were shoving their way to the front. It was then that I decided to hang back with Duncan's dead body to see what would happen next. I believe it was Banquo who came in, found the body, and began ringing the bell. Malcolm and Macduff arrived, and they all expressed their grief, eventually bringing the body down to the crypt. Again, a pushy crowd had begun to gather and I craved space. I went up a flight or two and heard the unmistakable techno beats of the witches' second prophecy/rave/blood orgy thing. I immediately changed course and followed the beats to the long, dark, hallway topped with a neon sign that once read "Hello There" but now simply stated "Hell here." The rave scene is still as impactful as it was the first time I had seen it... complete sensory overload. I ended up in a spot where I was front and center, watching as Hecate whipped the other witches up into a frenzy. The beat dropped and the strobe lights kicked in, causing the scene to be presented in short flashes. The Boy Witch completely nude, on top of a table wearing an animal's head. Macbeth presented with a bloody infant. The guttural screams of the witches' power.

I stayed after the rave to witness the Sexy Witch do her exhausted, eerie dance behind the bar as Hecate watched. Afterward, Hecate and Agnes had a tense moment where the former gathered the latter's tears in a little glass vial.

It was at this point that I decided to follow Agnes back to her apartment, the Tailor made his creepy appearance through her closet, and the loop restarted. I tried sticking with Agnes for as long as I could, getting to see her dance with the Tailor, steal his money, and eventually make her way to the hotel lobby.

It was there that I was reunited with an old character I remembered fondly: the Porter. While I did not have a true 1:1 with him in my previous shows, he did give me the note that eventually led to my cherished Hecate 1:1. That was then followed by a frantic, yet fruitless attempt at finding her ring.

This time I hung back and observed as the Porter had his tea scene with Agnes, followed by a drunken dance as he cleaned up the hotel. I have to say that this actor was incredibly good, mixing a bit of rage, sadness, and silliness as he leaped around the room pulling sheets from lamps. After the Boy Witch arrived to taunt and then cruelly reject the Porter, one of the other white masks (audience members) was whisked away into the Porter's office for a 1:1. At this point, I admit that I was feeling a little confused about what to do next. I was approximately halfway through this final show and had an anxious feeling about wasting the precious moments I had left. I recalled reading how you could gain access to the 6th floor 1:1 by encountering a nurse on the 5th floor. I decided to check it out quickly, hoping that I would get lucky.

Instead, I ran into Nurse Shaw, who was doing an odd dance in the window between the bathtubs and the forest. I followed her through the woods and ran into Matron Lang who seemed transfixed by the Nurse. They both seemed to mirror each other's movements and the Matron started moving through the maze in an attempt to catch up to the Nurse. She was unsuccessful as the Nurse disappeared back through her window, and I decided to follow a slightly dejected Matron Lang back to her hut. She walked up the steps to the wooden hut and turned around, staring right into my eyes. It was at this moment that she extended her hand. I suddenly felt breathless as the sensation of butterflies tinged with fear filled my chest. Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized I would be experiencing a 1:1 at my final show. I slowly took her hand, and she pulled me up into the hut.

My 1:1 with Matron Lang She was silent as she shut the door behind me, followed by the window, and then turned to face me. She slowly removed my mask, all the while never breaking eye contact, and whispered something along the lines of "That's better." I tried to say thank you, but the words caught in my dry mouth, my tongue suddenly feeling foreign and useless.

She offered me a seat, went to her desk, and prepared a cup of tea. As she did so, she locked eyes with me in a small mirror. She was not smiling. I wanted to look away, but it was so unnerving that I felt like I had to hold her gaze in fear of seeming rude.

She handed me the cup of tea with a spoon and leaned forward expectantly. I didn't know what she wanted, so after a couple of awkward beats, she gently grabbed my hand to guide the spoon into the tea and then into her mouth. I fed her the tea about three times, slowly and trying not to let my shaking hand spill any liquid onto her face.

The entire time she stared at me. I'm sure she blinked at some points, but I swear it felt like her piercing eyes never moved.

After the tea, she quietly told me a story about a young child who was all alone. "Once upon a time there was a poor child with no mother and no father. Everything was dead, and there was nobody left in the whole world. Everything was dead. The boy went on search day and night and since there was no one left on earth he wanted to go up into the heavens. The moon looked at him so friendly! But when he finally got to the moon, the moon was a piece of rotten wood. And then he went to the sun, and when he got there, the sun was a wilted sunflower. And when he went to the stars they were little golden flies stuck up there like the shrike sticks them on the blackthorn. And when he wanted to go back to earth, the earth was an overturned piss pot. And he was all alone. And he sat down and he cried, and he is still there to this day, all alone." (Apparently, this is from Büchner’s Woyzeck. I had to look it up when I got home.)

As she whispered this story, her eyes began to fill with tears, prompting mine to do the same. She held my palm, tracing the lines and occasionally squeezing my hand. She then leaned far back in her chair, pulling my hand with her so I had to lean forward. Without warning, she flung forward, grabbed my shoulders as I gasped, and whispered "It'll have blood they say, blood will have blood." She got up, put my mask on, and showed me the door. As I left, she shut the door behind her, and I was back in the woods with other white masks who were staring at me intently. I walked past them as I tried to regulate my breathing and figure out what to do next. After that adrenaline rush, the rest of the night was a bit of a blur. I bounced between characters as the crowds grew larger and more unruly. I saw the angry Taxidermist searching for something, finally caught the ballroom party, and helped another white mask catch pregnant Lady Macduff when she passed out. I saw the Bald Witch's transformation, the rave one final time, and then followed the Sexy Witch to the apothecary.

She knelt down, dress still hanging off of her with her chest exposed. She washed the blood off of her skin and hair in a small bowl, then stood and handed me a towel. I helped towel her off slowly, she then fixed her dress and grabbed me close to whisper "Blood will have blood" in my ear.

I followed her out to the last banquet and had a front-row spot for the finale. I'll never be able to properly describe how that scene makes me feel. The slow-motion acting, the allusion to 'The Last Supper", Macbeth's frantic "NO", followed by the snap of the noose. Absolutely chilling.

The wood groaned under the weight of the swinging body, with the creaking eventually drowned out by "A Nightingale Sang in Berkeley Square" by Glenn Miller. We were all herded out of the hotel in a haze, greeted by a loud jazz band playing old-timey renditions of current popular songs. It's a jarring switch of moods, which only seemed to exacerbate my post-show disorientation.

The 6th floor still eludes me.

Is that all there is?

#sleep no more #the mckittrick hotel #punchdrunk #sleep no more nyc #immersive theatre #macbeth

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7grandmel · 4 months

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Todays rip: 30/12/2023

The Paragoomba and the Wiggler

Season 7 Featured on: SGFR Presents: RIP²

Ripped by 601billionlazer Performed by vvslogs

youtube

Hey, look - its close to the new year, its past midnight as I'm writing this, and I'm feeling sentimental. I know I could be putting more delicacy into my choices for these last days of the year, but please allow me to be be a bit vulnerable today.

I started making these posts seven months ago. A month later, I made the full commitment into making it a full-on BLOG-blog. That is, a blog to truly let me spill my heart over, beyond just writing one or five sentences per rip, to ensure none of my feelings get left on the drawing board. It was never something I did to catch a wave of fame, or to show off on a resume: top to bottom, this blog began as a distraction from work, and has turned into a full-scale love letter for a project that has helped shape me into the person I am today. Now, with *this* project, I've found motivation and confidence: I've had the opportunity to reignite my passion for writing, satiating my lust for analysis and discussion, and most crucially providing a thank-you to a group of creators that have always felt woefully underappreciated.

What I never really expected, was to have those same wishes returned back to me.

From the ask box, to the messages, to the Rippers' Commentary reblogs, to the discussions held in the SiIvaCord and on Discord DMs themselves, its those heartfelt words, that gratitude and joy, that keeps me driven to continue this blog until I'm all wrung dry. I've long considered myself terrible at maintaining connections, yet with each message I receive it feels as if I've made a new friend, their words of support and love never leaving my mind no matter how much time passes. It still feels like I'm somewhat of a shut-in, yet I've had the ability to talk to so many more incredible people in the back half of this year alone than I have for so much of my life before.

So, with all that sappy shit said - The Paragoomba and the Wiggler goes out to one of those people. It was only a few weeks ago this month that I covered vvsvlogs' prior work on Wham! Into Dreams, and just how much her singing truly resonated with me. As soon as that post was done, I just...felt a need to know, if she'd done any more singing work for the channel, and she was kind enough to point out her contribution to RIP² that I'd somehow completely missed. A rearrangement of an immensely simple but effective Season 1 rip, The Paragooma and the Wiggler is still a mashup of a Super Mario Bros. 3 theme and an Owl City song, yet now with a far more lively, dynamic instrumental thanks to 601billionlazer's arranging, and with vocals wholly redone by vvsvlogs, as mentioned before - and, indeed, just like Wham! Into Dreams, I connected with the rip almost immediately after listening to it. There's of course also new life injected into the non-vocal half of the song through the rearrangement, new sound effects added to punctuate lyrics, an ebb and flow maintained with the instrumentation alternating between the original chiptune sound and a plucky piano. With all that said, its an incredible rip top to bottom, showing just how talented of a singer vvsvlogs is above all else - I daresay the new vocals full-on crush the originals for me.

Yet, there's a reason I wanted to put that big sentimental introduction to this post in particular. Because back when I first discovered Wham! Into Dreams years ago, I may still have been a devoted fan, but I was a wallflower althesame: barely in the SiIvaCord, barely in discussions with anyone other than the occasional YouTube comment. It's only through all of the aforementioned outcomes of running this blog, the people I've met and the messages I've received, that I finally feel truly at home with this community - that I found the courage to reach out, talk to, and send my sincerest thanks directly to these incredible creators, with at least SOMETHING to show for it. vvsvlogs is just one of a dozen or two people I've gotten to talk to through doing this blog, and it never ceases to warm my heart - both finally getting to talk to people who've indirectly pulled me out of dark times through simply doing what they love, and through knowing I've been able to make so many of them smile from the words I'm putting onto this darn page on a daily basis.

Happy new year, SiIvaGunner team. To all of you in the team reading silently without accounts to reply with, I hope you know just how much I love you.

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morallyinept · 6 months

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HAPPY SUNDAY LOVELIES! 🖤

So, this week saw the end of the Sag-AFTRA strike! 🎉 I am so excited for Pedro knowing he may well be back to doing what he loves very soon. This is great news for everyone who was out on the picket lines and those striking to protect their livelihoods, their creativity and artistic identity.

(And let's not even talk about the whole Patrick Dempsey thing from this week, okay? Did we travel back in time or something? 😐)

This week was a busy one for me, again. Ugh, why does adulting suck? I wish I could stay at home and write all day rather than have to work and earn pennies to feed myself. 🙃

Anyway, let's get into this week's whip round. You ready Jack? Crack that whip, handsome!

Catch up on last week here, sugar

☆ Things I've posted this week

Five Days - Chapter 7 - Things are beginning to unravel now, as you and Joel equally start to unravel. Once again, many thanks to everyone who's reading, following along with, re-blogging, liking and commenting on this series. 🖤

SUV Shenanigans - Dieter Bravo GIFLET (Thank you to @secretelephanttattoo for putting thots in my head on Discord.)

Two Fingers Of Whiskey - Agent Whiskey GIFLET

Little Blue Pills - Joel Miller GIFLET

Self-Care With Dieter & Jett this week focused on showing yourself some self-compassion. With a brief cameo from my beau Ezra. 🥲

This week's Writer Wow featured the ever lovely @ghostofaboy Go show him some love, he's absolutely amazing. 😘

And a shoutout to lovely @perennialdoll247 too and this incredible artwork of Javier Peña that she created. I am so blown away by your talent, V! 😍

☆ Things I'm currently working on

Had some delicious thots this week that I am working into fics... stayed tuned for more Dieter, Frankie and some Agent Pike. I'm still working on my Christmas fics, most if not all of the first drafts are complete now. There are 12 in total - why do I do this to myself?? 🥴 Got more GIFLETS & one shots to come too.

☆ Things I've read this week

I did a massive sort out of my Pedro Character Fic Rec List this week, mostly to keep from everyone being tagged continuously each time I update it - and I update it A LOT. 🫣

Didn't get around to reading as much as I wanted to due to working through most of my lunch breaks this week (the perks of being in a senior role, le sigh...) but hoping to up my reading game next week.

Frankie Morales NSFW Alphabet - @ghostofaboy I felt like I was reading a true to life version of Frankie right off the page when reading this, it was so immersive. Ghostie has this incredible knack of making me feel like I can reach out and physically touch Frankie, and this was no different. Genius. 👏🏻

This Charming Man - @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin Another Frankie highlight this week in the form of dark!Frankie. And I urge you to read this. This had me feeling like I did when I watched Dexter all those years ago; you root for the bad guy, even though you know you shouldn't - you can't help it because you just love him so much! This was brilliant and so emotive and descriptive. Another amazing homerun from lovely Angela! 🤘🏻

Las Mañanas - @kiwisbell I discovered this gem of a story this week and am hooked! I've devoured chapter 1 and am setting time aside this coming week to catch up on the rest, and you totally should too. Javier Peña in this is just everything you want; heroic, charmingly smooth with a pinch of arrogance, and the type of man you absolutely want coming into your coffee shop. 😍

Two Left Feet - @linzels-blog I adore this story. My mouth still aches from smiling so much as I read it. I was pulled right into Whiskey's world and Southern charm. Such a great fic that left me right in the action. I was dancing, I was drooling. I highly recommend this. 🤠

Send In The Clown - @covetyou I sat on this fic in my tbr for waaaay too long, let me tell you. I'm actually pissed at myself. This is nothing short of genius and please, if you're not into clowns that's cool, but I'd insist you give it a shot anyway because you'll be pleasantly surprised at how this is done. Dieter in this is just everything. I am in utter awe! Just a marvelous read that I will be absolutely indulging in again and again. 🤡

Headshots Chapter 5 - @secretelephanttattoo I'm devastated that this Marcus Pike series has run it's wonderful course, but all good things must come to an end, right? And this is sooooo fucking good. Stunning, actually. This is Marcus perfection for me. I love these two lovebirds and will revist them again for sure. I'm also so excited to see what El will give us next as I know it's going to be amazing. 🥰

☆ What have I been watching/listening to this week?

Not a lot due to said work and adulting - ugh. I've had Family Guy running in the background when home for company and that's about it... aside from my Frankie Morales Mixtape playlist that's on in the car most days.🤘🏻

☆ What have I been up to this week?

Well, that about wraps it up for this week. I hope you guys enjoy the remainder of the weekend.

Work, work and more work. 😖 Seriously, it's been the bane of my life this week. But I am looking forward to another week's vacation after next week where I'm planning on doing lots of writing, socializing and hiking. Woot! (And maaaaybe start tackling my Christmas shopping 😬)

Remember stay kind, stay creamy. This is Jett and Jack signing off to go line dancing with @linzels-blog 🖤

🖤

#jett's weekly whip round #pedro pascal characters #agent whiskey #agent whiskey kingsman #agent jack daniels #jett's fic recs #fic recs #joel miller #dieter bravo #marcus pike #frankie morales #sunday week in review #pedro pascal #Spotify

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yveltalreal · 7 months

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OOC POST. ABOUT TARAKA AND CURRENT COMMUNITY DRAMA

im gonna be real im so fucking glad that like shit about taraka has finally been brought up because i, among others, had to deal with his bullshit and inability to learn from his mistakes or understand consequences for months.

from not understanding basic rp etiquette, to repeatedly harassing and guilt tripping people about plots he did not like but was not involved in at all, many people were made uncomfortable by him, and several people outright set boundries while telling taraka that he had made them uncomfortable. taraka would regularly guilt trip us as well by threatening to leave the server whenever we pointed these things out, and when we pointed out it was guilt trippy, he would say he was simply expressing his feelings.

THAT IS NOT EXPRESSING YOUR FEELINGS. THAT IS A THREAT.

obviously i'm not going to say i am an unbiased person. i am incredibly biased because i had to deal with taraka from around mid to late febuary all the way to mid july, and have only just now been able to rant about and discuss the quite frankly childish behavour taraka demonstrated for that entire period of time. but i will say that i am among SEVERAL who have made their issues with taraka clear to me and discussed his behaviour at length on discord.

there is a lot of screenshots i wish to send, but as several people are not online for me to ask their permission, as well as the fact i sure as hell am not asking taraka for permission for any of these, i will refrain from sending most of them. a screenshot from me setting a boundary (which admittidly, taraka regularly brought up in a manner that felt guilt trippy and seemed to regularly try and get just close enough to crossing without actually doing so) was already shared with my permission in the reblog thread anyways.

i have a lot more i could share, but without my ability to share screenshots at this time, i am refraining to. i don't want to throw around accusations that while i know are true, and have many friends who can back me up, i don't have photo evidence of.

in the end though, i, as well as many others, were often made incredibly uncomfortable about taraka and to see he has not been able to learn from his mistakes even after being removed from a discord server and spoken to by both mods and players about it is saddening. taraka is an adult. many people involved are minors, myself included, and the fact that we've had to be the bigger person is upsetting.

#ooc post #pkmn irl #pokeblr #community drama #i need to share this sorry

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leiawritesstories · 8 months

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Stick Season (Prologue)

hey everyone! this is the introduction to a fic that I'm planning to post for Rowaelin Month! it got really out of hand lol so I'm splitting it into a few parts. inspired by "Stick Season" by Noah Kahan. hope you enjoy! :))

Word count: 757

Warnings: none ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three years ago

Aelin had to force herself to keep ahold of the steering wheel even as laughter-tears leaked out of the corners of her eyes. “Gods, Ro, I’m driving! You’re gonna make me pee myself!”

“I’ll be doing much more than that, Fireheart,” her boyfriend purred, his demeanor switching from hilarity to sultry promise in the blink of an eye. Though he was on the other end of the phone and she couldn’t actually see him, Aelin could picture the precise tilt of his wicked grin, the precise gleam of the spark in his deep pine eyes.

“You’re incorrigible.” She caught her breath, firmly focusing on the highway. “I’m nearly there, buzzard. You shouldn’t have any problems keeping it in your pants for another twenty minutes, hmm?”

His soft groan rumbled through her phone. “You could make it in fifteen minutes if you speed.”

She snorted. “It’s December, Ro, and I’ve lived in Vermont all my life. I’m not stupid enough to try and speed on winter roads.”

“Yeah.” He inhaled softly, about to say something else, when another incoming call buzzed across Aelin’s screen.

“Shit,” she swore. “Ro, it’s my mom, I have to take this. I’ll call you back in a few minutes, I promise. Love you.”

“Love you,” he returned, affectionately.

She hung up and accepted her mom’s call. “Hi.”

“Darling.” Evalin Ashryver’s refined accent filled the front of Aelin’s car. “You must be nearly home by now, yes?”

“Yes, I’m about twelve minutes away from Rowan’s exit.” She glanced at the nearest exit sign. “I’m going to swing by his house for a few minutes before I–”

“You’re going to your boyfriend’s house before your own home?” Evalin didn’t even try to hide her disapproval.

“I promise it will only be a quick stop to say hello and reassure Rowan that I haven’t died.” In return to her mother’s disdain, Aelin made no effort to muffle her sarcasm.

“Watch your tone, young lady.” Evalin’s voice was as frosty as the December temperature. “I would be lying if I said I don’t mind you putting your own family second.” Without waiting for a response, she sniffed. “Hopefully we’ll see you by dinnertime, Aelin.”

Guilt wrapped its oily, barbed tendrils around Aelin’s heart and squeezed, sending flashes of thick, ugly emotion through her body. She gripped tightly to her composure, took a few deep breaths, and redialed Rowan.

He picked up on the first ring. “That was quick.”

“You know how Mom is,” Aelin joked. “She’s never seen a conversation she can’t cut short.”

Rowan coughed out a laugh. “She wants you to go home first, doesn’t she?”

“Yeah.” Aelin sighed. “Honestly, I don’t understand her phobia; she knows full well that I mean it when I say I’m just stopping for a few minutes.” Silence fell for a moment. “You know you mean more than anything to me, Ro. More than all the distance between our houses.”

“Yeah, all ten miles,” he chuckled. “You must be just about at the exit now, right?”

She glanced out the window. “Mhmm, it’s coming up in a couple minutes, and…” Her voice trailed off, drowned out by the discordant echo of her mother’s words. You put your own family second. Disappointing. Selfish.We hardly even see you, Aelin.

Rowan’s exit approached, the familiar numbers tugging on every string of Aelin’s heart. Tears fogged up her vision, but she blinked them away despite her throat constricting again.

“Fireheart?” Rowan’s voice was so warm, so familiar, so concerned. “Are you still there?”

A sob clawed its way out of her throat. “I’m…I’m so sorry,” she croaked. Her weak, traitorous voice cracked on the last syllable. Blindly, she reached over and ended the call, cutting Rowan off before he’d even formed coherent words.

She drove past his exit, only daring to look into her rearview mirror when she was far enough past the sign that the numbers were barely visible, and watched the sign fade away. Through the hazy, conflicted mess of heartbreak, anguish, guilt, and tears clouding her senses, Aelin let muscle memory take over and guide her off the freeway at the next exit and drive down another country road until she was back in her charming little hometown.

She hadn’t seen Rowan waiting in his battered old green pickup in the shoulder of his exit, eyes locked on the highway, phone still glued to his ear, staring in heartbroken disbelief as the woman he loved so deeply drove straight past him without a single look back.

~~~

TAGS: let me know if you want to be tagged!

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@rowanaelinn

@house-of-galathynius

@tomtenadia