#i listen to a lot of reddit stories and MAN people are so quick to throw that word around

[pretty-little-martyr]

i feel like shit owuld be so much better if people swapped "narcissist"/"narcissistic" as insults to "self-absorbed." cause usually when theyre referring to things like 'narcissistic abuse' or 'a narcissist' they're just referring to a self-absorbed asshole, not someone with NPD. just a teeny tiny shift of language would really do wonders for people Not misunderstanding an already-stigmatized disorder.

#NPD people feel free to add on or correct me or w/e im not NPD #but as a bipolar having to see My illness used as an insult sucks and thats Less widespread than 'narc' as an insult so i cant even imagine #i listen to a lot of reddit stories and MAN people are so quick to throw that word around #someone will describe your garden variety emotional abuser and the comments will all be like NARCISSISTIC ABUSE GO TO R/RAISEDBYNARCISSISTS #its fucking wild like dude do you even know what that is though

[autolenaphilia]

One thing that I noticed about transmedicalist communities is how they further a kind of toxic masculinity. It’s no secret that transmedicalist communities are dominated by trans men. It’s especially obvious on reddit. General trans spaces there are dominated by transfemmes, but not the transmed/truscum ones.

Therefore a lot of truscum rhetoric appeals to a masculine mindset. I have some insight into how boys and men think from my deep undercover investigations into manhood in school (so deep undercover that I didn’t even know myself fghfhh).

Okay this got dark rather quick. So I’m gonna put the rest under a cut. Discussions of misogyny, bullying, violence and mentions of the f-slur. I do show some transmed art that is transphobic and misogynist in order to criticize it.

Anyway, as a kid, I got to listen to some literal locker room talk. And a large part of masculinity is proving your masculinity to other men and boys. Masculinity is fragile, you have to prove yourself as a manly man. You can do this by dominating women and girls or by bullying others you deem male who are feminine or insufficiently masculine. I was beaten up for being a “faggot”(well the Swedish equivalent, “bög”), an effeminate nerdy autistic weakling. That was my “male socialization”, famed of story and song.

Even if there are no girls or women involved, it’s still rooted in misogyny, a disgust of femininity in men is a disgust at men being woman-like.

So when I see truscum rhetoric, I think I recognize it as a similar transmasc specific expression of that. Transmed/truscum rhetoric loves to paint an enemy figure of “the transtrender”. And they are quite literally a transmasc person deemed insufficiently masculine. They are either NB so not literally a man, or an effeminate trans man. No matter their identity, they present too femininely and are described as “actually a woman pretending to be transmasc”.

It’s most clearly expressed in the infamous “true trans vs trender” art that was popular during the transmedicalist heyday a few years ago. It literally depicts a conventionally masculine trans man, who is a “true trans” contrasted with a feminine trender, who is painted as gross because of their feminine gender expression.

So it’s a specifically trans expression of a common male way of proving masculinity. “I am a man, a very manly man, just look at me putting down this effeminate faggot”. It’s the specific transmasc fear of being misgendered by being confused for a gnc woman that’s taken a very common masculine way of expression. Transmasc people who aren’t conventionally masculine seem to activate this fear, so they are dismissed as “trender girls who are pretending to be transmasc for clout” (an absurd figure, really).

Their gatekeeping rhetoric has a very masculine tone in general. It creates an image of the speaker as tough, but rational and objective. It’s put in opposition to “tucute” beliefs which are too inclusive of weird and irrational trans identities, due to being misled by soft feminine emotions, and thus not rational and discriminatory enough.

I think that explains why transmed/truscum ideology has comparatively little sway with transfems. We of course dislike being misgendered and called crossdressing men. But every transfeminine person is very much aware of the severe social penalties that comes with being viewed as male and then not performing masculinity. You are denied access to male privilege, yet lack any cis privilege. The idea that a man would fake being transfem to chase a trend or view social acceptance is thus even more absurd than the transmasc trender.

There is some transmed rhetoric which seems to mainly exist among straight gender-conforming trans women. It’s those who accept Blanchard’s typology despite it being extremely transmisogynistic and misgendering even them as “homosexuals” for liking men. They use it to dismiss non-straight trans women as autogynephillic fetishists. But that’s a different form of misogyny, dismissing certain trans women for not being feminine enough, instead of insufficient masculinity. It is a form of internalization that furthers the transmisogyny and lesbophobia of Blanchard’s work. Of course it’s not always internalized. I’ve seen trans men transmedicalists that believe in Blanchardism, but that’s just straight-up male transmisogyny and lesbophobia.

Anyway, I’m so happy that transmed bullshit seems to be fading away online.

#my writings #cw: transphobia #cw: transmisogyny #cw: homophobia

[dv-doll]

"AITA For Not Agreeing To Let My Husband Have A Baby w/ Another Woman?"

I know I've been posting kick the redditards outta here, but I still love listening to the occasional youtuber tell me sordid tales from the internet, including this one. It's rather old, but I noticed within the comments the youtuber went over and from a quick glance over that there was something going on with this lesbian pair who were stomping all over the OP's relationship that either no one seemed to notice or simply didn't want to acknowledge. The reason for that is redditers and other idiots don't wanna seem sexist against women for noticing this stereotype. Before some chick gets her panties in a bind, I KNOW, not every girl is like this, I tend to notice this stereotype with a lot of 'girl best friend' types, maybe you don't, so I'm not talking about you, don't get pissy. I know this stereotype because I am a woman and I'm not gonna pretend women don't have this toxic trait to "avoid looking like a 'pick me'". I'm not a 'pick me', I'm married, I literally couldn't care less about what people think about ME, but I think all women should check each other for bullshit like this. Anyways, these lesbians were very clearly attempting to claim 'their territory'. The sheer audacity of these absolute bitches to try and use OP's husband as some sort of breeding stud while knowing OP and him were working on their own family shows how blatant it is. Of course OP married their friend guy, that's fine they're 'lesbians' and they must maintain this illusion (more on that in a bit), but they also, instinctively, feel they're higher in the hierarchy than OP due to the fact that they have his first born, technically, even if he 'gave up all rights', they still have him visit to keep a somewhat fatherly connection and role to the child, which is fucking weird. They want all the power AND they force themselves in on another woman's relationship via the child they had with him, co-opting part of his time he has to spend with her. Even if he's volunteering that time, it's still a win in their sick, twisted minds. They were happy with that. They reveled in the idea that they had power in any future relationship this man ever decided to have outside of them. No one: "DV, those are some devilish assumptions you're making of how they think. I think you're just being mean cuz they're lesbians and you're a homophobe." Phobic implies I am scared when more accurately I'm disgusted and who wouldn't be of this pair of 'lesbians' behavior? They hear OP and her husband are trying to have a family so they impose themselves upon this man and his relationship again in order to more firmly establish themselves as part of his life over her? His actual wife? For being 'lesbians' this pissing contest over a man sure feels pretty straight to me, harkening back to ye olde harem marriages. They won't admit it, but the fact that they needed HIS sperm, instead of just using the same woman's eggs to ensure the children are blood siblings is rather telling. They even went so far as to attack OP's fertility to her face (hypocritically, of course, typical of these types) as if to establish she's a worse wife than they are, even though they're not married to him. The fact that he still associates with these cunts despite what they said to his wife is a huge weakness on his part. The lesbian pair clearly enjoyed the mind game they were playing with this guy and are pissed about the new player that might actually save him and make him happier with a more legitimate family. Last point, how stereotypical of them to use their child as a manipulation tactic to make him bow down. I hope OP and her husband, if this story was even real (OP's comments in the thread were very... mm bland?) cut the toxic whores and their kid out of their lives, but whatever. TL;DR - just skip past this I felt like a good rant dearies.

#understanding the womenfolk #things women do but won't admit to #it's part of your lizard brain instincts stop denying it #you either pretend you don't do it or you grow the fuck up out of it

[musclesandhammering]

I'm not fond of the pairing but from what I've seen General public actually loves Sylki very much. Even the trade reviews called the relationship "genius" which,,,ok. Someone did a poll on various platforms, yt, reddit, fb, twitter etc comparing which ship is better (Lokius or Sylki) and it was Sylki who won by large margin in the end. I suppose mostly they just don't care because it's sci fi and a pairing in a totally unrealistic show, and after Wandavision I guess weird ships are 'in' but yeah it makes you think. But the writers already said they won't give in to the fan pressure bc they have their own story to tell (which ok, valid, you do you) but idk. I guess we will get even more Sylki in second season. Tom already said Loki won't stop searching for her

Sometimes I think casual fans are the most irritating thing about being in a fandom :/

Just as a disclaimer (bc I don’t want people coming for me): I think lokius is really cute, and I love fics/art/headcanons about them, but I never thought they were canonically romantically interested in each other. I never thought lokius was gonna be canon, and I never wanted it to (because I didn’t want ANY romance in the series), so I don’t even include it in my argument against s*lki.

Ok so….. listen. This is gonna be a long ass post, so I’m putting it under a cut. Sorry, anon, but you’re the one that opened the Worm Can.

The viewing public, in general, tends to heavily skew towards heterosexual-presenting ships. Partially because a portion of the general audiences are homophobic, and partially because a lot of non-tumblr fans are so sick of hearing tumblr stans go on and on and on about how they were queerbaited by certain gay ships not becoming canon, when in reality, said ships are trash.

Listen. I sympathise with that. I get that. I know I’m beating a hornet’s nest with this, but…. D*stiel? J*hnlock? St*cky? None of those were written in any way to invoke queer undertones, they were always supposed to be platonic, and tbfh even as platonic relationships the first two are literally toxic and abusive as hell, anyway.

So I definitely understand how a casual straight fan on Twitter or Instagram would see some of those same crazy “we were queerbaited” tumblr stans ranting about lokius not becoming canon and how much s*lki sucks and……. it makes sense that they’d be like “These people are just pissed that their gay ship isn’t canon, that’s why they hate s*lki.”

But here’s the thing. I don’t think those people realise how callous it is to say something like that when the only reason queer kids are so quick to ship any two male characters who express a modicum of affection for one another, is that they’re so fucking starved for representation in the first place, they’re willing to see queer romance in any same-sex interaction. They’re just that desperate. That’s where the whole crazy gay stan thing comes from. And yeah, it’s annoying that these people put their whole chest into defending gay ships that are total trash, but you have to realise why they do it.

So, what I’m saying is, for s*lki shippers- who are already winning, because their straight ship had the privilege of easily becoming canon despite all its flaws- to look at queer people who are frustrated to the point of tears that they were once again conned out of any form of queer rep (for the mcu’s first canon queer character, for gods sake) after actually genuinely being queerbaited this time (with his bisexuality/genderfluidity)….. and to essentially gloat that their straight ship became canon and taunt queer people by saying “oh you’re just desperate for two men to kiss”………… idk, man. It just seems real cold to me. Reeks of straight privilege and heteronormativity.

Ok, so with that being said.. let me respond to your actual ask lol.

I’m not surprised at all that s*lki won the popularity polls. I think a large reason for that is the fact that it was pitted against lokius, which sorta rubs a lot of casual viewers the wrong way for reasons listed above. I’m also not surprised that casual viewers liked it outside of its opposition to lokius- because, um, casual viewers aren’t very smart.

They tend to analyse exactly nothing, they don’t look any deeper than the surface, and if the writers of a show stick a hot man and woman together under a blanket, they eat it up. Because the narrative tells them it’s sweet. Just like the narrative tells them Loki is a greasy asshole who had no character development up until this point, and they eat that up too. Just like the narrative tells them that sylvie’s the best thing since sliced bread, and they eat that up too. Just like the narrative tells them it’s completely in character for Loki to try to subjugate a group of 3 random Mongolians in the middle of the dessert for absolutely no reason other than his “narcissism”, and they eat that up too. Just like the narrative tells them that one throwaway line about liking “a bit of both” is somehow this groundbreaking example of lgbt representation, and they eat that up too……… See the pattern here?

And as far as being concerned about the pseudo-incest angle, I don’t even think casual fans even dug that deep. They literally just saw two main characters- a pretty white woman and a hot white man- doing cool fight scenes together and giving each other goo goo eyes, and they were automatically sold.

And the writers saying “we won’t give in to fan pressure, we have our own story to tell” is honestly complete bullshit. What the hell is the POINT of working for a corporate film company and telling a story on screen if not to please the fans??? They do what they do to get people to watch their shows to get lots of money. That’s literally what they’re there for. Mike Waldron must have a pretty damn inflated sense of self importance if he thinks his own “artistic vision” or what the hell ever is the priority here lmao.

And I wanna be mad about Season 2, I really do. But at this point Season 1 ruined the character so much for me that I legitimately don’t even care what direction they take him in.

#this is probably all over the place and semi-incomprehensible but oh well #sometimes ya just gotta rant #topic: queerbaiting in cinema #loki deserved better #antisylki #anti mike waldron #anti sylvie #@marvel I hate you #anti casual fans #frosty bby #queerbaiting #anti loki series #loki series critical #loki series negativity #ask #anon #language tw

[aurora-daily]

AURORA’s Reddit Q&A (July 13th 2021)

Kmilalv: Hello aurora we love you, I'm @ aurora.s_love on instagram ✨✨🥰🥰🧚‍♀️🧚‍♀️ Aurora: oh hellooo!!!! Exportmusic: Meep Aurora: meep < 3 Lisxnne: WELL HELLO AND THANKS FOR YOUR NEW SONG! 🙏🌟💕 Aurora: HELLO!! and thank you for being open to it 24681357900: Thank u for making music Aurora: thank you for inviting it into your heart Emergency-Club-7529: This is have some upper case , it's the real Aurora Aurora: yes!!! Helloooooo brunamombach: hello ✨🃏🧚🏻‍♂️🤘🍇🍄🧚🏻‍♀️ when are you coming do Brazil? so glad to see you here!!! Aurora: I think I will be coming to Brazil next year  I love being in Brazil because I feel like it awakens my heart and soul to be there !! Brunamombach: if you were going to an souless island, what book would you bring with you? 🧚🏻‍♂️🍇🍄🧚🏻‍♀️🤘🃏 kisses from Brazil Aurora: I would either take: "The name of the wind" and "a Wise mans fear" or the LOTR trilogy. Or the "Mistborn" trilogy. or "warbreaker" or "the good omens" or "the ocean at the end of the lane" or "Anne of Green gables" or "The alchemist" or just all the books in the world oh no I cant decide

all DanParis: Hey have some karma you cool bean 🤌🏼 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿 Aurora: thank you < 3 Ok-Estimate8468: Tell us something you can tell us about the second track on the Cure For Me vinyl, “Potion For Love”. I'm very curious...

Aurora: its the song I decided for the B-side of the vinyl, and I will probably release it digitally one day too. Its the sister song to "exist for love" but from the other perspective. where love does not fill you up, but love has left a big hole within you < / 3 Ok-Estimate8468: Did you get a lot of unfollows and hate from bad people due to Cure For Me? Aurora: I got a little hate from homophobes, and also abelist, and racist comments from people claiming there was nothing wrong with their mindset. BUT it does not bother me. and I will never stop speaking up about the things I find important. because.. what else would our meaning on this earth be? if that makes sense. Some people have attacked me personally, but sadly mostly its people defending their own hateful ways of being. I cant even imagine how it really is to be a victim of racism or violent homophobia, so I feel like the least I can do is to try the best I can to show support. and speak up. and be an ally.

So a bit more short - yes, and I really dont mind!!!! unfollow me if you find speaking about equality and the right to live, and love and be loved unsettling <3 thank you for this question! Ok-Estimate8468: How was the process of creating the studio version of Cure For Me? I heard your first acoustic performance and saw that it's much smoother than the studio, so I was curious to see how you managed to create another even more amazing version. Aurora: Me and Magnus just played around, and we really tried to go with our emotions, and to be playful and to not think too much about what was "AURORA" or what was even...pretty! we just laughed! and danced! and did what felt lovely to us.

I think this is why the making of this song is one of my favourite memories, and also I think that is why it sounds so playful! because it is!! it was like playing a game. and I did also play alot around with symbolics in both the lyrics and the way this song is produced. it all has a meaning you see... but of course I will let you figure that out yourself!!

Pingouiin_: What's your favourite mountain around bergen ? Aurora: mine is Løvstakken!! and Magnus loves Ullrikken!! but important to NEVER stop a Norwegian person walking on the mountain. just say. a quick hello and wander off your own mind. become at one with nature Whoamiandallthat: Thank you for existing, I love your art and you inspire me so much 💙 You are one of my favorite artists 😊 And just the other day I found out that you are just two years older than me, and so successful... I'm wondering how it was for you to become so popular, did you feel like people thought you needed a cure? I'm also in the sphere of arts - filmmaking; but I feel like my films are not good enough... I have a YouTube channel with some videos - if you ever see this comment I would like for you to check it out 😊 Aurora: Ive felt through my life like something was a little off, ive never resonated that much with the people or the "system" around me! it didn't bother me so much even though I. was teased a lot for it ( so again I was very lucky) but I never felt like I understood the world and my place in it. or how I. could fit in, in this worlds society and with other people ! and becoming "famous" which I dont really feel that I am, but I guess that I am a little "known" (meep) was very strange, and very hard to handle at first. as impressions affect me a lot, and noises and people etc. but with time I got better at handling all these impressions, and avoid getting a.. sensory overload! and I am so happy now, that I can look directly at strangers and actually listen to them, and understand them, and even love them I guess what I am trying to say, that ive now understood that this is the very thing that connected me to all of you. and now I see my place here on this earth. and I see all of you, and you give my life so much meaning!! Lets_Fight_Dragons: Firstly I wanted to say I recently discovered your music and I love everything about it. I have two questions, I hope that’s ok 1. How do you start writing songs because I’m trying to get into songwriting and I’m not sure how you write such amazing songs 2. What’s your favourite song you’ve released? Aurora: 1. well I dont really know. ( I am sorry!!) but I feel like it started really natural for me.. I. kind of just sat down with my piano.. and then I started playing around with the Keyes, and I figured out I could make an endless amount of melodies by simply pressing the keys in a different order!! remember finding this extremely magical (I was around 6 years old then) and after a while I started adding lyrics, and I just spent time looking into myself, trying to figure out. - what do I want to say? what do. I need to hear in a song? what do the world need to hear in a song? and etc. I always think about songwriting as storytelling. and I always start out by figuring out what story I want to tell, what matter I want to dress, or what pleases me, or annoys me with the world, or what emotion I need help dealing with!! and then I write a song!!! and if you feel like its difficult to come up with melodies, I would recommend finding a song you like, and learn the chords of it (or find an instrumental version. online) and then you make your own melodies on top of that! many of the songs of the world share the same chords, and often the melodies on top is the thing separating them. music belongs to all of us, and its clear that every song in the world comes from the same magical source. 2. I think its the seed. or couples creatures!! or infections of a different kind!! tiffnoir: Our dear AURORA, your b-side A Potion For Love is helping me a lot (broken heart since a few days ago). I wanted to ask (if I can haha) if would it be included at the upcoming album, or maybe a relaxing, vintage video for it? Thanks for helping all of us with your music ^_^ Aurora: thank you som much for letting this song into your heart  after writing exist for love, I figured that I should also make a sister-song that could belong for the ones with a broken heart as well  it will not be on the album, but for you I will try to put it on the deluxe version FedahpWithThisWurld: Hello, Aurora! I'm a neurodivergent person and I have always felt a lot of shame over being the way I am, like I'm not good enough. Your music makes me feel better and it makes me feel that being me is okay. Thank you for that.  I want to know how you manage to be so confident? Do you ever get nervous before a show? Aurora: hello!!!! I have had a lot of similar experiences with myself in this world too.. so I am very sad to hear you've lived your life with this feeling I think after a while I understood what makes me different also makes me special. and special is good. and if you think about it, special isn't even that different, because in one way or another we are all... unique. but of course, some people have had to fight their. way through life more than others.. making it less easy to learn how to love yourself. and accept yourself. I guess, now I've surrounded myself with good people who understand my quirks and sensitivities, people who give me time. and space to be me. I have also been lucky, because I have a family that have always encouraged me to be myself. and to love myself. and I guess that is why I am trying to convey to all of you now, because now we are like al little family. where being who you are - is cool. and you're cool. and were all cool. and I get nervous all the time, of all sorts of things! but I just accept that feeling as a part of being human. its uncomfortable yes, but I know at least it won't kill me! 3charmplease: What was it like recording for Frozen? Aurora: it was magical  and also slightly scary. but it felt safe and good calling at the mountains. and I feel warm thinking about it. especially now. cause my father just walked over to me with five little strawberries in his hand. he gave them all to me. and they were so small, and sweet. im currently sitting in my childhood home, right next to the very piano where I wrote "runaway" and so many other songs. Tiny-Sink-2397: Boom shake shake shake the room Aurora: that was actually during the recording process of Cure For Me! Tiny-Sink-2397: I thought it was!! Seemed like an epic party Aurora: YES Joelynxyzs: what's your favorite movie ? Aurora: Practical magic BUT ALSO THESE: The LOTR triology ALL GHIBLI MOVIES avatar once upon a time in Hollywood Hannah the perfume fantastic MR. fox Star Wars: a new hope rouge one isle of dogs the hunchback of Notre dame! the arrival stypop: If you were to get the chance to work on a sequel to another Disney movie, which one would you want it to be? Aurora: since Disney owns Lucas films I would love to be a part of the Star Wars universe  or to play either a magical fairy, witch mermaid, forest nymph, or a scary beast!! WE WO brisot: The masks in CFM remind me of theater plays, do you ever watch any and how much of an influence for you is the art of acting? Aurora: this era of my life is very influenced by the ancient times where theatre was all they had. no CGI or special effects etc. and I really wanted all these videos to feel very authentic, and down to earth! The shell in "exist for love" was handmade by someone, and I painted all the masks in "cure for me" myself! so I like it when it feels... human Clear-Champion-1833: i love you Aurora:

<3

Jicuhrabbitkim: How do you like your fried eggs cook!! I like it when its very crispy!! Aurora: as long as its from a local farm that has free healthy chickens that walk about freely and eat good food I like my eggs crispy too. GhostReaper3: Hi I have a question as well: How do you keep positive? Many people including myself find this difficult sometimes so it would be good to hear your technique or way of keeping upbeat and positive! Also, thank you for sharing your music with us! Aurora: I know what you mean, i've struggled with it myself at times. but I guess I tried separating in my mind what I can do something about, and what I cant? if that makes sense?? we are all just here on this planet. and though we all seem to be going though the same things we still feel so alone, in our thoughts and in our minds. And I've been very aware that with music, and with this fandom we can all finally connect, and see each other, and know that we are not alone! and if there is one thing I love, it is to dance a little after I've cried. I think its important to. shake these emotions out of our body. like animals do! and then I made CURE FOR ME. because I thought about all the warriors out there feeling. a little crazy... after isolation! or after being depressed! and being l rocked in with their families that might not accept them for who they are.. and I thought I needed to make a song for us all, that felt a little uplifting. and uniting. just so we know where not alone, and just so we know that we are worthy.. of everything! and that we are worthy of celebrating ourselves!! ALWAYS! aniri003: Were the dancers freestyling in the last part of the video Aurora: YES! I told them to put their freak game on. And they were amazing. L_pls_use_revive: Hei Aurora! Apart from inspiring me with your music for emotional people, I also dicovered my love for Norway and the Norwegian language through you - now studying it in my second year at university. Tusen, tusen takk! I want to visit soon when traveling is safe - So which place should I not miss out on? Have a great life! Aurora: I think the whole of Norway is worth visiting! there are so many beautiful places. and beautiful people! I would ofc. recommend Bergen! (haha!) but also places like Tromsø, Trondheim, Stavanger, lofted and The Geirangerfjord and the Northwest!!! HAHA KakSetoKaiba: How's the progress of the album that you've been preparing which will be released after your death? Aurora: its going well, I take one song for every chapter and I put it on my death album instead of the album I'm making  its going well. and im excited about it! maria_fernandez_: This is not a question but I just wanted to tell you that discovering you and your music has been the best thing that ever happened to me. What your music makes me feel cannot be described in words. I love you so much. Greetings from Spain!! Aurora: thank you!!! applepieaurora: Whats your favorite pie? 🐉 Aurora: apple pie  and blueberry pie!! Ok-Potato7244: Thanks for sharing your time ... a warrior here to welcome you...Have some tea...And i don't need a cure for disliking keeping animals in cages...Especially birds...💚... Aurora: thank you pekaraseva: what do you feel when you perform Ioadk or Adkoh for people? Aurora: I feel so full of emotion and love and despair I could almost explode  and its wonderful. I also feel insanely connected to the audience when I sing these songs.. I. think. its because they are such important pieces of my soul targaryenblood02: omg what do you think cure for me would smell like? 🐛 Aurora: like something Brazilian! like Asai! or caipirinha! or Brigadeiro!

sproutingephemeral: Hello Aurora, Thanks for your new song, I've gotten quite addicted to it😊 I have a question that might be a bit difficult to answer. I am a Warrior from the U.S. currently without a clue of where I should be and what I should be doing. I'm done with school, and in the process of moving to a new town with my parents. I'm applying for jobs, but I feel like I can't find my reason for being in a smaller area with not many people my age. I feel like my parents are trying to mold me into a certain person, which doesn't feel authentic to me. I probably should be making more of my own decisions at my age, but I'm a bit scared and confused, if what I think is deemed too unrealistic or out of line with their expectations for me (like a childhood dream?). I tried talking to them about it, to little success. Is there something inherently wrong with me? Or am I just being spoiled or lazy? I read about how you were initially opposed to starting your career until your mother convinced you to change your mind. How do you know whether or not to trust in your parents' plans for you? On a lighter note, do you prefer cookies that are more soft (chewy) or hard (crumbly)? I don't need a cure for...my autism, and tendency to talk regularly to my deceased cat at his grave (??)😿👼 Looking forward to seeing you in New York! Take care❤❤ Aurora: you should ALWAYS. only do what feels right for you. this world is very absurd, and people tend to think they know what is meaningful and what is important. but we all know, money and success isn't important beyond what you need to simply survive. this one life is yours. and you should be just who you want. and do what feels right for you. because its yours. its only yours. drink tea. work hard. be lazy. dance. be shy. laugh, cry. drink wine and eat good bread. be good. fight for something you care about. and either live for your work, or work a little and then just... live. get a garden, grow tomatoes, get a cat. or a dog. or a parrot. life can be so random, and it can be both so little, and so large at the same time. some days were meant to TAKE chances, and live. and sometimes were just meant to exist. and do nothing. you should never feel guilty for not "being enough" because you are enough. just who you are. just how you are. is enough. good luck on your strange journey my warrior, maybe our paths crosses and maybe they dont. but know, when you walk out of your door, that anything can happen! and the whole world is yours. Hippolyte_gray: is the name of the next album hidden in your previous songs ? Aurora: mayyyyyybeeeeeeeee rashadalt: what do you think about your fans who are racist/homophobic etc.? Aurora: I feel sorry for them. because I know I cant be easy l living a life so full of hate. and even spending your precious. time on this world bringing other people down. and I know how easy it is for people to be driven by fear, and how difficult. it can be to have an original meaning and stand up for what you really mean. so I dont judge them, or hate them,

but I do feel sorry for them. and I am also very disappointed in them. because its such a. waste of human potential to live your life in the paths of hatred.

but as long as we face hate with love, we will eventually win. when we show them. we are not the enemy, just people trying to make a better world, I think, and I hope that eventually we can all agree that being able to live, and being able to love is a human right. Brivera726: I noticed you said you would bring LOTR trilogy with you to an island- I’m reading them for the fourth time right now  I feel like if Galadriel sing songs it would sound like you! Anyway I really like your art so yah just keep doing u- love from PFC Rivera, USMC Aurora: this is then est thing ive ever read thank you Aurora: I am. sorry people, but my time here (for tonight) is up </3 but I will probably be back looking at your questions and thoughts because I did really. enjoy this. and I. love you all so. much.

[link]

#aurora #aurora aksnes #q&a #interviews #potion for love #cure for me #into the unknown #collaborations #recommendations #ioadk song #adkoh #new album #future album #magnus

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Top 5 Reasons Javier Garcia’s Pretty Great

Of all the games in TWDG, A New Frontier seems to get the most shit. Stick around this fandom long enough and that’ll become apparently pretty quick, especially on other platforms such as reddit and instagram... and y’know, I get it. ANF is far from perfect, parts of the storyline go no where and characters don’t get the development they should have, a lot of people were upset that Clementine wasn’t the main playable protagonist, and certain character models look like... well, they look like potatoes. 

Hell, I’ve talked to some people who flat out say they don’t even consider ANF as part of the canon and skip it when they replay the series, which.... harsh, but you do you. However, if you do skip over ANF for whatever personal reasons you have, you are missing out on what I would consider the best part of that game: Javier Garcia. 

I love Javi, and I will stand by the fact that he’s a pretty damn good playable protagonist. I just wish more love and time was put into developing ANF to give him an even better story but y’know... Telltale was goin’ through shit, so we got this... 

But, I still wanna talk about how great I think Javi is so c’mon, let’s take a walk. 

5. Javi’s relationship with David

Now this might come off as a weird one, especially if your Javi has a more hostile relationship with David. Even so, I find the dynamic between Javi and David to be one of the more compelling aspects of ANF and I wish it was more front and center than it is but y’know. 

So we got Javi, who is the younger, more irresponsible brother who became this hotshot baseball star only to lose it all by gambling. Then you got older brother David who is a military man with a couple kids and a second wife, and he’s always felt a little overshadowed by Javi. This creates this dynamic of brothers who do love each other, but don’t always know how to communicate and confide in one another and it can lead to a lot of tension or hostility.

The route I usually take with a Javier who tries his best with David, who wants this connection despite everything, who made the promise to their father to look out for David and be there for him, to stand with him when he needs it, y’know? 

Some stand out moments for me is during the baseball flashback when David’s trying to open up about something, but struggles because Javi isn’t taking a hint about the serious nature, when they stand together on the roof, and the last conversation we see between them if David survives. 

Oh, and ya can’t forget the “I love you”’s when David is two seconds away from murdering Javi... that’s the good shit. 

And y’know, on the flip side where Javi is against David every step of the way, you can still argue that acts as a more tragic yet compelling story of two brothers who never saw eye to eye, never tried to, and it ended in tragedy... I personally don’t prefer this route, but to each their own. 

Again, this is at #5 because it’s not handled the greatest and it’s a bit of an unpopular choice.... but I don’t care, Javi and his relationship with David is one of my favorites. 

4. He’s pretty charming, isn’t he?

I’m sorry, I can’t help it.... if a charming character can make me laugh, then I almost always end up loving them. Javier Garcia is so damn funny and I love him for it. 

Yeah, ANF is a mess but this dude makes it so much better with his dialogue, a great performance by Jeff Schine, great facial expressions, and just an overall charismatic air around him. 

He’s just super likable, okay? Even when you play him as a total bastard, I have a hard time not enjoying his presence. I’ll be honest, if Javi wasn’t the playable protagonist or if he was this bland, watered down version of himself... I might be one of those people who skip over ANF. 

He’s easily one of my favorite parts of this game and one of the few redeeming things about it. 

3. His growth as a character

Like I mentioned in #5, when we first meet Javi he’s this irresponsible ex-professional baseball player who wasn’t around, even though his father was dying from cancer. After his father dies and he runs to try and make it home in time... he’s too late and David and their mother are pretty upset with him. 

And then his father turns into a walker, and the apocalypse happens. Javi is now trying to survive with Kate, Gabe, and Mariana while everything goes to hell around them. But for someone known to not be around or to skip out when things get a little tough, Javi doesn’t abandon them. Nope, he stays with them for years, traveling around and surviving, making sure they have what they need. 

By the end of the game? Javi’s proved to be a leader, proved that he’s better than he once was. Again, this is ANF so this growth isn’t super smooth or the greatest, but damn it, Javi makes it work. 

He and his family, no matter the combo you got, are staying in Richmond and they’re going to try to start over and rebuild it, make it better than it was.... which I can only assume they succeeded because after that they were never heard from again. 

Also, Javi is constantly having shit thrown his way and somehow he manages to pull through. 

So good job, Javi, you did it. 

2. Javi’s got a lot of force

Listen... Javi is so fun to play as. Like okay, I know that Telltale games don’t have the most complex combat system... you literally just push the buttons as they appear on screen. But I don’t care because Javi makes that fun. 

Javi really puts all of his weight into each hit and you feel it. I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s something satisfying about the way Javi fights with a melee weapon, and it’s not something you feel when you play as Lee or Clementine. You do get it a few times when you place as Michonne in the mini-series, but even then, I would argue that Javi did it better. 

It’s especially prominent towards the end of ep5 if you go after David and Gabe,  and Javi’s on this motorcycle with his damn bat knocking over walker after walker until he finds them... then you get all this intense force when Javi is just gunning and beating down walker after walker to get to the vehicle Gabe and David are trapped in. I love it so much, it’s easily one of my favorite moments in ANF. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have fun playing as Lee and Clementine, but Javier Garcia hits different, y’know? 

1.  He’s really trying his best to care for everyone, okay? 

When we think of Lee as a playable protagonist, we tend to think about how wise he was, how he always seemed to know what he was doing and how much he was willing to sacrifice for Clementine... and when we think of Clem as a playable protagonist in S2, we’ve got this sad little girl who gets punished no matter what she does, she’s smart and often underestimated, but she makes plenty of mistakes which she learns from.

And then we have Javi who has a bit of both in him. He’s older and can have his moments of wisdom [like with Gabe and Clem] but he also has plenty of mistakes he’s gotta learn from and sometimes no matter what he does, everything goes to hell... but Javi does manage to stand out on his own among these two. 

Javi does what he can, he tries his hardest to look after these kids even though he never planned to be a father figure, he works with Kate to make sure they’re safe. When he fucks up, he tries to make things right... even though it doesn’t always work out. He loves Gabe and Mariana, and you can see and feel his heartbreak when he’s the one to bury Mari after she’s killed.... and now he has Gabe, who’s hurting, and he does what he can to make sure he doesn’t meet the same fate which.... sometimes doesn’t work out depending on your ending.

I just-- he’s trying, okay? Javi is trying his best and I love him for it.  

---

Honorable Mentions

-Javi has some of the best deaths/fails moments... seriously, I could watch him confidently run right into those metal stairs and fall to his doom a hundred times. -He’s a literal disaster bi.   -He fucking loves pudding and I mean, who doesn’t? Y’know?  -His bromance with Tripp is pretty good until Tripp dies for death quota reasons. 

---

So what are your thoughts on Javier Garcia? Do you agree with these reasons, or do you have any to add? Lemme know, it’s always fun to have character discussions.

Have any suggestions for future T5F’s? Feel free to send ‘em in! :D

Next week’s T5F

#twdg t5f #twdg javi #twdg david #twdg gabe #twdg mariana #twdg kate #twdg clementine

[quibliography]

The Left Right Game by Jack Anderson 🎣

Synopsis: This nosleep subreddit turned podcast is about Alice Sharman, an investigative journalist for the National Public Radio. A story about a paranormal road game is brought to her attention by a man named Robert Guthard who has found travel logs and instructions and wants to bring her along on his next trip. She joins a strange caravan of travelers also looking to play the Left Right game but the journey turns out to be much stranger than anyone could have possibly imagined.

My Quibs: Hot damn. I haven’t been so infuriated by a story like that in a long time. They say that good art makes you feel something and I went from curiosity to apprehension to anxiety to fear to fury to resignation. None very positive, but still. I don’t want to give anything away and it starts unravelling after only part 2 so I can’t talk much about content. I can however praise the *french kiss* excellence of Anderson’s prose. Aside from the standard spelling and grammar editing needed, the writing is fantastic. It creates a persona from a road, a microcosm from a caravan of characters, with callsigns that are just asking the reader to dig deeper. (More on that in a second.) Maybe because it’s in the guise of a subreddit post, casually thrown onto the internet in longer and longer stretches of time. [Those reddit comments look ready to pull off their heads waiting for the next chapter.] But Anderson manages to speak on so many levels: as a casual subreddit poster, as a professional NPR journalist, as a skeptic who is open-minded, as a believer who wants to learn the truth. I could go on and on but the other half of what made this so enjoyable was the “real” other half of the story. All the reddit comments (or as many as I could read before I realized I hadn’t eaten all day) going through theories, dissecting literary elements and symbolism, rage posting that it’d been 14 days without their story fix. My favorite comment insight was that “Ferryman” and “Bristol” - which is supposedly an old term for bridge - are two ways to cross a river, a symbolic representation of the road they travel. Mind blown. That’s something I would never have been able to recognize on my own. It makes it almost an immersive, interactive storytelling. Talking to the “OP” and asking after him, telling him not to play the game himself, speculating about his involvement. OP/Anderson was almost real which gave the story he was telling more sincerity. It’s a community involvement in a story that I don’t get outside of mainstream television, which to be honest has a ceiling on quality.

Should you read it? If you love seat-gripping, throw-popcorn-at-the-screen, supernatural stories. And I would highly suggest you read it before you listen to it, because despite the high-quality sound editing, they didn’t invest so much in the text-to-audio translating. During most of the last three chapters of the podcast I didn’t understand what the hell was happening and it became much clearer after I read the subreddit.

Similar reads? Many many comments compare it to Stephen King and I would agree. It has that same eerie quiet like a silent scream. The only difference is that King has a grittiness to his writing whereas Alice dictates like a journalist.

(Spoiler Alert!) Ooooookaaaay. So much to unpack that has already been unpacked a hundred times over in reddit. My mind is overflowing with all the awesome theories that I read I barely need to generate any of my own. [Quick side note to say that I love reddit. This was one of the few instances were I browsed hundreds+ comments and none were even slightly internet trolly. There was a lot of hate for Bluejay, but it was deserved. And two opposing camps about the ending, but that always happens. Anyways, props to the LeftRight reddit.] My favorite theories:

1. Besides the obvious Charon, Styx, Purgatory parallels, someone made a comparison to Dante’s Inferno and how each chapter was related to a sin. It became a stretch, but it was fun.

2. The forest child. A lot of thought about it being Bluejay, Bluejay’s aborted child, and then finally Marjorie and Rob’s child. Even though the story has more evidence toward the last, I like the symbolism of it being Bluejay. Her unwavering need for the game to be fake was naive and shedding light on it should lead to maturity but instead it distorts her even further.

3. The silent city being a parallel to Aokigahara where the inhabitants of one are from the other. And possibly other areas of the LRG being connected to the real world.

4. I like how people both loved and hated the ending. Personally, I was dissatisfied because a) a really gripping story has no good end, I will only be happy that it goes on indefinitely and b) I’ve never been a big fan of cosmic god-like involvement. I’m okay with it philosophically, but with all the comments saying that the road takes Alice to her destiny as this god-like creature, a physical embodiment of it is not my cup of tea. It diminishes our measly fragile Earth-bound existence. 

What did you think of The Left-Right Game?

#the left right game #jack anderson #nosleep

[grimmcwren]

The Left Right Game - QCODE Podcast

Like early to mid 2020 a friend of mine sent me a link and a message saying that I had to give The Left Right Game a listen. I was nervous but definitely intrigued. It’s a horror/thriller podcast by QCODE based off of a reddit story that was uploaded a few years ago.

I had never listened to a horror/thriller podcast before and I didn’t know much of the etiquette so when I went for a quick shop while listening to the moment when the man in the car suddenly changed his tone, I definitely almost fell to the ground in front of a lot people from the jolt the moment gave me.

There was a lot to love about the podcast, but it did feel like there was a lot we did not know. Like what the man in the back of the car was talking about, but I suppose certain things being open ended were what the writer themselves and maybe the creators were going for to try keep the audience focused on the physical journey of those roads. Maybe, I talk a lot of shit so idk.

Overall worth the listen.

#review #podcast #qcode #the left right game #spoilers

[the-a-word-2214]

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ:

The Singer

Anthony Ramos x OC

Warnings: Swearing

A/N: Here’s the finale! Thanks to @charming-charlie ing-charlie for writing this one. I’ll probably write more series in the future but I think I might take a little break after this one. If anyone ever wants to collaborate on anything in future, feel free to message me! I’m always open to new ideas.

902 words

Chapter 8: We’ll be alright

It was quite a few months and Scarlett didn’t hear anything from the stalker after that weird message. The media seemed to die down on their relationship for a while, but then it picked back up again when news that Hamilton was going to be accessible on a well-known streaming site. All the sudden, everyone had interviews and press to do, Anthony included. He did several promos at the apartment, often talking about his experience and what life was like when he was on Broadway. He shared stories and secrets from the show to several different talk shows, including MTV News, E Network, and TMZ. He spoke with Kelly Clarkson, Jimmy Fallon, and Josh Horowitz as well.

Scarlett would end up listening to some of his interviews, but soon, he started repeating the same stories and sharing the same memories. It seemed as though the talk shows used the same questions over and over. How Anthony was getting through it with a smile on was amazing to Scarlett. She felt like she would be annoyed by the constant repetition of questions and comments. He spoke with Renee and Leslie, reminiscing on their time from the show. He laughed at the dumbest jokes but Scarlett could tell he was enjoying himself. She watched him from the doorframe. He was in a room all by himself, sitting on their couch. A bookshelf of trickets and junk was behind him. While it wasn’t the most ideal background, it worked. Then again, there wasn’t any other room that could provide Anthony with the privacy he wanted and needed when participating in the interviews. The Hamilton virtual press tour lasted two, maybe three days of just non-stop talking and answering questions. Anthony took breaks to eat and sleep, but then he was back at it and doing his thing. Scarlett had to admire that. There was finally a break in between interviews and Anthony shut his laptop. He rubbed his eyes from exhaustion and let out a sigh of relief. His mouth was hurting from constantly being stretched into a smile. His voice was slight hoarse because he just finished singing Alexander Hamilton for a fan on John Krasinski’s show, Some Good News. He didn’t warm up beforehand and was feeling the aftereffects of improper throat care. He pushed the laptop off to the side and stood up. His legs were falling asleep from his laptop being in his lap. His balance was a bit wobbly as he walked out of the room and into the kitchen. Scarlett was there, at the table, on her own computer. She could not help but read reviews and blog posts about the Hamilton film being released online. “Look at all of the new fans you are getting,” Scarlett said with a smile when she saw her slightly disheveled boyfriend approach her. She was proud of Anthony and the journey he experienced.

The reviews were glowing. Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, and YouTube were all alight with new posts, videos, and memes about people enjoying the movie. Lin had warned both Scarlett and Anthony about the surefire online chaos that was going to explode. Anthony took it all in stride and Scarlett could see that he was very happy. Hamilton was a huge part of his life and he wasn’t going to dismiss that. He could use the opportunity to plug his latest album or movie role, like some of his co-stars were doing, but he wasn’t. Instead, he was trying to keep every interview strictly about Hamilton and his overall performance on and off stage during that time. He grabbed the laptop from Scarlett and looked at her screen. She had several tabs open, each leading to a different website that had something about the Broadway film. Reaching over, he grabbed Scarlett’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “You know you’re the best fan there is, right?” he asked her with a smile. Her support really helped him be the man he was today, and he owed a lot of his success to her. In fact, he mentioned her in a few interviews to prove it. “I’m your number one fan,” Scarlett replied while closing her laptop shut. She squeezed his hand tightly within her own and leaned over the table to give him a quick, unsuspecting kiss. Her phone as blowing up, but it was from the original cast of Hamilton. Lin created a group chat to discuss the interviews and press timeline. She loved reading how each cast member was handling themselves during this time. Anthony was very active on it, mostly making fun of Oak and Daveed though. Last Scarlett remembered, Daveed’s background during his interviews was a huge conversation in the group text.

They were going to be alright. She knew that. Their relationship was up and down but they somehow always emerged victorious and stronger than ever. She had no idea where they would go from here, but she was excited to find out. “I don’t need anyone else but you,” Anthony said against her lips. At that moment, all was well. They were okay. It wasn’t a life Scarlett thought she was going to be living but she could not see herself being anywhere else. With Anthony Ramos by her side, she felt unstoppable, and she was so excited to see where their journey was going to lead. The future looked bright for both of them.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧*:･ﾟ✧ ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* ✧･ﾟ:

#anthony ramos x oc #anthony ramos #hamilton #new writer #new writers on tumblr #john laurens x oc #john laurens

[lunasaturnine]

Vienna and cultural trauma

WOW so cool to sign into tumblr and see 99+ notifications, and think “oh a post got some attention,” but it’s actually just general attention!

My astro blog is ready for some action! Or maybe ppl are just bored bc of the quarantine. Either way, it would be cool to write.

I want to write about VIENNA.

I just took a course about somatic healing of trauma and it gave me a good overview of how trauma recovery works. Chapter 1 of trauma recovery is gathering resources. Chapter 2 is dipping or oscillating back into the memory, whether it’s a clear memory or just something held hidden in your body, with your new resources, and allowing circles to complete. Chapter 3 is being bigger bigger brighter in the world !!! (It’s a nice course, it’s on somatopia.com, it costs $40 if you have that to throw around, it’s like 2 hours of videos of a nice man talking in a soothing voice in intelligent language about healing from trauma)

Now I’m thinking about cultural trauma and Vienna. I have long felt that helping to heal the Hitler wound of Vienna is one of my soul’s major dharmic thrusts. So I googled “healing cultural trauma” and most resources out there talk about the trauma of the victim culture. That kind of trauma is totally different, because it recommends amplifying the traditions and greatnesses of the culture, and when you’re a cultural perpetrator of violence, amplifying the greatness of your culture is a trigger because cultural superiority is what lead your culture to be violent. But there are still a lot of resources with a lot of valuable information. I’ve only skimmed a couple things so far and it seems like one thing people emphasize in cultural healing is human connectedness.

The internet is a little hard to navigate on this topic, but I found an NYT editorial called “I loved my grandmother but she was a Nazi.” The author’s sweet grandma was literally a Nazi but she was a nice person who didn’t hate Jews. When the author talked to her about it, she would deflect. “He said a lot of things, I didn’t listen to them all” and “I was caught up in my own life” etc. The author says, that’s bullshit, there’s something she’s avoiding, and I can’t understand what it is or why she’s doing it, and I’m hesitant to say this because it might seem like I’m trying to forgive Naziism but I’m really just trying to understand who I look at when I look at my grandmother. It’s the most direct address of the West’s Nazi wound that I’ve found in my two and a half minutes of searching on google and I think it’s on the nose.

In the readmore are my more concrete thoughts on potential resources for Western/German/Viennese healing, and thoughts about what working through phase 2 would look like for a perpetrator culture.

Resources

On this reddit post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/history/comments/5nfqwp/my_grandmother_grew_up_in_nazi_germany/

there are some resources. First of all, 1. there are people from diverse backgrounds respective to WWII, coming together and talking as equals in the same kind of “room.” The descendants of the persecuted and the persecutors are together and they are not enemies. The knowledge, and SOMATIC FEELING EXPERIENCE, of that, can be  a resource. I am typing over this brusquely and that’s Mercury magic for you and you should know that I just burst into sobs. That in just a couple of generations, the grandsons and daughters of enemies can be together and not hate each other and even love each other is an immense resource and can be leaned into at any point. There is a vast well of cultural relief available here. My tears are thankful, grateful tears, tears of relief. I am thinking of the parks in vienna that are holocaust memorial parks. I am thinking of that horrible statue out in front of the Albertina that is a memorial to cultural violence but at the same time, also represents the trapped soul of the Perpetrator culture, since we are all One. In the same way that a piece of music which opens with a terrifying chord represents both the terror experienced by the terrorized, and the menace of the terrorizer, AND THE FEELINGS IN THE terrorizer that caused them to generate this chord... off on a tangent, and I’m not sobbing anymore! That was crazy. I have a tendency to lock my feelings up, but being alone in this house and in this quarantine, I can open up locked wells of feeling like that.

That resource is IMMENSE, and it’s RIGHT in front of our faces all the time. I took a class on 20th century germany in undergrad, and the professor was a young guy with a Nazi grandfather, well I’m not sure if he was a Nazi but he was a German soldier, and he remarked on it. And I think at the time I thought “how lovely” but if you sit with that feeling, it’s deep as hell. And if you sit with it from the perspective of a penitent perpetrator, it’s REALLY FUCKING DEEP.

So that’s available. Im gonna post this real quick as a way of saving the draft but I have more ideas.

Okay. Continuing,

Resource 2 also from reddit post

The top respondent says his German POW uncle had a British GF. That’s similar to the first resource, but more immediate. I’m sure there are lots of stories like that. Intercultural experience that nullifies certain tensions

Resource 3 also from reddit post

The stories of people who did do the right thing... maybe. I dont know. I’ll get off this post soon but it’s interesting. Idk if this counts as a resource, it’s kind of a tangent, but the more I learn about karma and trans-life inheritance of it, the more it seems true that it really is better to die living in line with your beliefs than to live safely. Like the person in Pweuy’s post. That father died but his karma was pristine as far as this was concerned and perpetrator trauma did not cling to him.

ok jesus this is an interesting post... the girl skipping over the river of blood as it trickled out of the asylum... the hitler youth boy befriending a lamb and the nazis slaughtering it in front of him... the russian soldier who guarded the german girl because she reminded him of her daughter...

Okay. Before I go on, I want to clarify that I am not specifically talking about people who held Nazi beliefs in their core. There is a special type of perpetrator injury that is specific to that kind of thing, true villains and terrorists. I’m talking more about “ordinary Germans” who didn’t think very hard and got swept along, moderate supporters to moderate resisters. As a culture, they were moved by the tides into Naziism. They have culpability, but not the exact same kind of culpability as perpetrator people. The culture moved to perpetrate these crimes, and they were a part of that culture. That’s the specific kind of wound I’m interested in healing. There is a poster on that page whose grandma really loved Hitler...

Ok! I spent a lot of my energy in that page, now its 10PM and I still have veggies to prepare. I need energy for this next thing I was going to talk about.

Resource 4 - this one specific coffee shop

I’m putting *s in its name because I like this blog anonymous. P*****n is a coffee shop in Vienna that is the only happy place I went. There were places that were ok... and fine... maybe pleasant... but this place was American levels of happy. Waiters danced around and were actually relaxed and happy. P*****n’s theme is intergenerational communication. It hires grandmothers to work behind the counter, and make pies, and you’re supposed to buy a slice of their pie and talk to them a bit. And then the waiters are young, and they communicate with the Omas. And the Omas are maybe not old enough to have been Nazis but their parents were.

They also include a bit in all their menus about intergenerational dialogue and wondering what more they can do and how they can be more of a space for it.

I had MANY genuinely pleasant little experiences there... and I think that little space that some person with a vision made, is a blossoming flowerpot with lots of healing energy where true dialogue could happen. So that could be a resource too. The happiness of that place. In fact, these conversations could happen there.

But I wouldn’t want to break the space. The course I just took talked about titration, which is just accessing a TINY part of the traumatic memory, so you don’t get overwhelmed. This is a very icy fucked up conversation for a lot of people. My Viennese friend told me to talk more quietly about it than I was. Actually I did talk about it there with some people! The German girl was surprised that I thought Vienna had a wound. So was the Irish girl actually. For other people it’s really evident. My Viennese friend. D**n. Rf: “it’s ALL I feel when I am there.” ME. God that conversation was sooo gentle and sweet and light. The Irish girl was wondering if she should move to Vienna or stay in Barcelona, and the three of us talked about Vienna nd it was SOOOOO LOVELY, holy BALLS.

But even if we don’t hold conversations there exactly, that could be a really good place for conversation to start. I could reach out to the people who run the shop to ask them about it. And then maybe conversations could happen in other places (don’t want to spoil the sweetness of the shop).

Resource 5 - personal as I investigate maybe not really a resource - but yes maybe it is a resource: Grounded, comfortable people who are Viennese, and who understand the goals and also understand the sensitivities of Viennese people more than I do; 

Resource 6 - people who are experts at cultural healing in victim cultures

Resource 7 - fostering dialogue between those two parties, also me.

Again I’m really playing fast and loose with the idea of resources. Maybe. We’re starting to move into phase 2, also, because with this dialogue, I want to open up some scripts for how to TITRATE sensitively.

phase 2

For instance, notice that I didn’t say something like “Remembering Vienna’s amazing heritage of incredible music that has the power to redeem and heal equal to and more accessibly than religions.” I think it’s true that Viennese music is a major healing resource (BEETHOVENSCHUBERTMOZARSKLTBSLJRTHBLEWSKJNS:OFDFD), but since it is bound up in Viennese identity, that notion is complex. Also, it’s not only that Viennese identity is nasty because it’s nazi and therefore that gives Schubert etc a dark tint, but also, the grand things that Vienna has contributed to western culture are now a part of Vienna’s current wound of degradation, cheapification, and humiliation by TOURISM. although I will say that I think Resource 8 should be MY OWN deep internalization of the healing power of Viennese music. Posting again to save...

...not only does that music help me be healed, but it also helps me understand healing process in the specific language of the culture i’m interested in

okay.  Phase 2. 

A picture of what I think sorta needs to happen

I think Omas that say “It was just a lot of talk, we ignored it” and “I was busy in my life”... I think what needs to happen for a perp culture is for them to actually own their part in the villainy, to claim it and stand in it and feel the pain, and say “I’m SORRY, this was HORRIBLE, I AM SORRY.” THIS WILL ALLOW THEM TO BECOME NEW!!!!!!!

That’s a v different healing process from like native american healing etc.

I really think somatic approach is a better road in than cognitive because, god, imagine cognizing all of this HORRIBLE SIN bit by bit knowing your culture perpetrated it and not having anyone to blame it on. Jesus.

How might the process of getting there look?

This is vague especially now that I don’t have that burst of energy. Conversations...

Here’s a question. After resource gathering.

“Knowing that bells rang for Hitler in Vienna, how does it feel to be Viennese?” IN YOUR BODY?

Damn THAT’S GOOD! THAT’S THE FUNDAMENTAL QUESTION. How does it feel to be Viennese? The goal is for it to feel OK.

Um, speaking specifically about Wiener trauma and their welcoming of Hitler, a few years ago, I read this in some guidebook, Vienna’s government acknowledged that they welcomed Hitler and that they were wrong, and investigating that is important for my mission. It’s cool because 1. it’s a Big Ol Step and 2. it lays groundwork for all of this.

Step 3 is really beautiful to think about. In the course I took, it’s where the instructor got out of his soothing calm neutral demeanor and started speaking passionately and bursting with smiles.

In addition to being able to be more firmly grounded in their own individual and cultural identities...

Okay, so, I’m drawn to this because I’m drawn to it, punkt. That’s all. But also, and I think I’m really late on the uptake here, I think I was due in Vienna many years ago, I think that whatever work I do in Vienna is helpful for the echoes of Naziism in today’s world, such as Trumpism (which does not...exactly... have the same kinds of premises but uses a lot of the same kinds of mecahnisms) and actual brazen nationalism, white supremicism, and far right movements. Hitler is a LOUD and REVERBERANT figure in our history for this kind of energy, and if we can do healing surrounding him, re-discovering resilience in the moderates, helping them go through the emotional journey they need to go through, they will be a beautiful resonant horn call from the past, a solid core of NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! that will strengthen the culture of the entire FUCKING world.

Music will be a part of it.

I have always loved Vienna, and I can’t really analyze it. I love it like a girlfriend. I know she’s problematic. And she can be really really horrible.

The wound is deep. The horribleness, the life negating quality not only of the FUCKING WRETCHED SHOP CLERKS, but also of the WAY -- THINGS -- HAPPEN, of the overall weird ass SPIRIT in Vienna, is... God DAMN WHY do I like that city so much? It’s bizarre. It’s very pervasive. I don’t enjoy experiencing it, I don’t think it’s attractive, I don’t like it. I love Vienna THROUGH that wound. I REALLY LOVE Vienna. That’s one of the clearest things that I know in my heart. I love Vienna... and that’s the whole story. It’s one of the easiest things for me to say.

Lots of people love a city. We do it for reasons. I think our hearts are drawn where they are drawn because we are attracted to healing the specific karmas of places. The karma of my hometown is mainly racial, with native american underneath. The coffee shop that is equivalent to P*****n serves often as a place of racial conversation and healing. It is actually pretty amazing. And once there was a white supremacist with a gun there and he stood up on a table and let people see his gun. He didn’t yell or anything. But that vital thing happened there in that coffee shop.

Excuse me I also love coffee shops and Vienna is the land of coffee shops.

Okay. I love Vienna! I literally love Vienna, with my heart. I love Vienna.

One last thing. I’m saving then editing...

The postscript: A major resource, and it kinda sidesteps some things, is language. It will be much better if German is spoken in these conversations. When I went to Vienna last, I didn’t prepare my German because when I went to Vienna first, everyone spoke English and it was simply easier to speak English all the time, so I figured I wouldn’t try to give the illusion and disappoint. But lo... the native people really, really resent it if you don’t even try to speak German. They actually seem to experience it as an injury. It is wild, if you’re not expecting it.

ALL OVER VIENNA I saw the Graffiti stamp/brand, “Tourism is terrorism.” 

When I was in the airport and the cute customs dudes asked me the purpose of my visit, I said “TOURISM” and they laughed. That was fun. But it was a lie. I was a pilgrim. I... know I was a tourist, technically. But I felt such hatred for the tourists standing like apes in front of the Schubert statue in the Stadtpark. Their wretched selfie smiles plastered on top of the emptiness of their experience. My purpose in Vienna had nothing in common with theirs. And I claim that I didn’t do a lot of the tourist things - not many museums or concerts or whatever.

One of my more pleasant memories was going into a used book shop and asking about a book in the window, a German-language edition of the tao te ching from 1923 (a very strange time). I asked in English. The clerk was confused and asked if I spoke German, and I answered in German that I spoke some German, but was learning, and knew the TTC very well, and that it’s simply usually easier to speak in English. I might have used imperfect German, but I felt dignified and natural doing it.

Ok, not only the German language, but the quiet Viennese demeanor of Scorpiness. Scorpscorpscorpscorp. Quiet, observant, emotional, and responsive to gentle tenderness and consideration, and traumatized by brashness. 

Both the spoken language, and the language of the demeanor, I think are somatic approaches that sidestep cognitive...things and make the culture feel unconsciously accepted and open.

On my first trip I learned howwwwww AMERICAN I was, and then on my second trip I opened myself up to my inner Wiener and was quiet and scorpy, and I felt warmth emerge from the people and city in response. It felt really right, and it felt like i was honoring...her, and it felt um sort of romantic. ha 

#Vienna #Wien

[rafaelafranzen]

In which I answer many questions about books

I came across this survey from @drawlight and I thought it’d be fun to fill! Fun fact: I’ve been an unabashed devotee of literature and stories all my life and am a stalwart champion of connecting people with stories – I’ve spent most of the last decade attending and volunteering at literature festivals and crossed fingers, am trying to get a job there. I don’t do the tagging thing, but if you’d like to fill this tag me back so I can discover your literary world!

I, like everyone else, am drowning in Good Omens right now, including the script book and original publication, so I’ll omit them from my responses for a bit of variety.

1. What book are you reading now?

Kraken – China Miéville. Yet another book about an impending apocalypse set in London, because I’m a sucker for undercurrents of fantasy in places I’ve walked in. This one’s a dark comedy about a squid-worshiping cult, where the initiating event for The End of the World is a forty-foot giant squid specimen being stolen from the Natural History Museum.

2. What are your favourite books?

I’m a bit of an odd duck in that my favourites change all the time at different points in my life. I hate to do the thing where you divide things up by genre because I think stories are valid in so many shapes and forms but it’s an easy shorthand – a few top favourites:

Literary Fiction: Spill, Simmer, Falter, Wither – Sara Baume (a book about a misfit man who brings a misfit dog into his life. I’ll never get tired of recommending this. The poetic turn of prose in this book is astonishing, and I’m reminded of it every time I read something by Drawlight, actually).

SF/F: Neverwhere – Neil Gaiman (again pushes all my right buttons with undercurrents of another world in places I’ve been) and The Paper Menagerie and Other Stories by Ken Liu – the titular story in this anthology made me cry on the train, in public – you can find it in full here. It’s a quick and heartbreaking read about the tenuous relationship one so often has with their parents.

Short Story: The Great Hargeisa Goat Bubble – Julian Gough (A economic satire and the first fiction piece ever published by the Financial Times, which was subsequently adapted to a Radio Play by the BBC which is also available in the link if you prefer listening. Will make you clutch your sides with laughter, teach you about securitizations, futures and hedge funds and global market forces without the need for you to get a degree in economics first, and ensure you never look at goats the same way again.)

3. How did you learn to read?

Other than the obvious – school, my mother used to take me to the library each weekend when I was a kid and let me borrow 4 books using my library card, and another 4 books with hers. I’d devour all 8 and rinse and repeat the next weekend.

4. What foreign languages do you read?

I studied Chinese as my second language for 12 years and subsequently lost pretty much all of it due to lack of usage after. I can still muddle my way through a menu but that’s about it.

5. What’s the funniest book you ever read?

The Teenage Textbook – Adrian Tan (I’m sure I’ve read plenty since that are better, but this is always the first one I think of. A bit of local nostalgia.)

6. What books have changed the way you look at the world or the way you live your life?

Without a doubt, This Is What Inequality Looks Like by Teo You Yenn. It is a non-fiction book told through the lens of people in poverty, and just as equally, from vantage point of the privileged, us folk who are more or less living in the median of society and the different frames of ‘common sense’ that need to be considered from these perspectives. It is a book about how acknowledging poverty and inequality leads to uncomfortable revelations about our society and ourselves. And it is about how once we see, we cannot, must not, unsee. It is a book that might sober you up for the rest of your life.

It was one of the books heavily drawn on to produce a play titled “Underclass” which I once described to a friend as “the wokest shit sandwich you’ll ever eat”, and I mean this in the best kind of way – it’s the most difficult pill I was ever made to swallow. It left me questioning every assumption I had about poverty, inequality and human dignity, left me squirming and uncomfortable in the way we gloss over the marginalized, and forced me to ask hard questions about the systems of society and who provides for those who fall through the cracks. I saw it a year ago and I still can’t stop thinking about it.  

7. What books have affirmed what you believe about life or the way you look at things?

Not entirely sure how to answer this one, I take away bits from every book and media property I encounter. I suppose if I would recommend anything, especially from the perspective of a writer, that rejection is par for the course so long as you keep forging on, and keep at it, then Stephen King’s On Writing. And on the love for the parts of your life that are odd, glorious and to be cherished, Sue Perkins Spectacles. Her letter to her dog Pickles in the book, available here, is one of the greatest confessions of adoration I’ve ever read, and will speak to every love you’ve held close in your life)

8. What are some of the scariest books you ever read?

To be frank I don’t read much horror, though I used to as a kid. I don’t have enough memory of any specifics to give titles.

9. About how many books do you think you have read in your life?

I’ve not the slightest idea. Probably hundreds.

10. About how many books do you own?

Currently, probably between 50-100, only limited by my bookshelf and now much it can hold. Most of my major book-purchases come around during the Singapore Writers Festival, so annually I drop between $100-200 on new books signed by authors I’ve met in person. Every 2-3 years I cycle out books from my bookshelf I no longer care to go back to and donate it to the book exchange shelf in my local library to make room for new titles.

12. How much would you say you’ve paid in library fines in your life?

Probably less than $5. I’m pretty neurotic about returning things on time.

11. How many books per month do you usually borrow from the library?

Probably less than one to be honest, but when the Writers Festival swings around, loads, to get an advance look at the authors that are coming I may enjoy the work of. Nowadays I usually buy my books.

13. Do you read in bed?

A resounding yes. It’s how I screwed up my eyesight as a kid!

14. Do you ever read while walking or driving?

Sometimes when walking but often I’m just scrolling reddit or catching up on current affairs and UK politics (I don’t live there but I can’t help following it). I don’t drive but I do read books when I commute on public transport.

15. OK, let’s get real. Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever read a book?

What, pray, be a strange place to read a book?

16. Do you listen to audiobooks?

Not particularly, as I find I can absorb information much faster reading words on a page. I also find it hard to multitask when something’s being read out because I want to pay attention to the story. I do, however, listen to radio plays adapted from books!

17. Has anyone ever read aloud to you or you to them?

Plenty, being on the receiving end of readings from many authors from attending the Writers Festival and events at independent bookstores. For me reading: loads of times workshopping my own work while I was pursuing my creative writing minor in university.

18. What was the most difficult book to read?

I attempted Lolita by Nabokov when I was about 14 or 15 and don’t think I got past the first 50 pages.

19. What books do you intend to read but keep putting off?

Craptons. Including the aforementioned Good Omens which I’ve owned for 7 years but never finished. Others that have been sitting on my shelf for the longest time now include The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy and The Book of Dust by Phillip Pullman (Lyra, my chosen name that I now use professionally, came from the protagonist of Pullman’s His Dark Materials). As you can see my stable of books mainly tend towards SF/F.

20. Do you buy new or used books, paperbacks or hardcovers, leather or collector’s?

Absolutely! I buy mostly new – see Writers Festival book acquisitions from the earlier question. Mostly paperbacks but occasionally hardcovers if the price difference isn’t too dear. Secondhand bookstores are a dying trade here so I don’t get much opportunity to shop for used. I’m also constantly wary about how much room I have on my shelves and pick my purchases carefully. I usually don’t buy collectors editions because I don’t like having to be precious with my books -  they’re there to enjoy, to crack the spines in and get their corners banged up from being hastily stuffed into bags. With special editions I feel an odd obligation to keep them pristine.

21. How do you feel about writing in books?

Depends. If it’s a book I specifically want for reference, especially non-fiction I don’t mind marking them up. Otherwise I typically don’t.

22. Do you lend books?

I do! There have been books I’ve lent out for years and not sought back though. I do prefer to get them back eventually because books I do keep on my shelves usually hold the memory of the time I had with them, and are usually paperback editions whose covers I enjoyed and are no longer in print. It never feels quite the same to just get a new copy.

23. What were your favourite books as a child?

I read with such volume and variety when I was a child I actually hardly remember specific titles. I’m sure there was Dahl in there somewhere. An awful lot of Blyton and Nancy Drew/Famous Five which are now horrendously outdated but from which I still hold onto fond imagined memories of British summer days and mysterious nights, which are experiences I still sort of seek out when I go to the UK on rambles or hikes.

24. What children’s books do you enjoy as an adult or young adult?

If we’re talking specifically Children’s books and not YA, almost anything written by Kes Gray (Oi Frog!/The Trouble with Daisy series) and Julian Gough (Rabbit and Bear series, whose first book is a great introduction to the concept of gravity, hibernation, and the nutrition of rabbit poo). I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Terry Pratchett’s Discword series, which includes several YA titles but even the main books in the series are fantastic reading for kids I think.

25. Do you ever read the ending first?

Oh gosh, why would anyone do that to themselves?

26. grab the book nearest to you (I picked something non-GO related), go to page 29 and type line 17 (if there isnt a line 17 type line 3)

“You always tell me that when someone is special, then the system has to make an exception." Connect (Julian Gough) – a cheeky one-of a kind signed edition I got from Julian’s apartment in Berlin when I visited him a couple months ago, combining the UK book jacket with US deckled-edge hardback. He started out as a writer I admired, then a mentor, and is now a fond friend.

#personal #wew long post is long #it was fun to look back and think about the books that were notable to me though!

[nicoleknows-nothing]

Pucks Deep (Mark Scheifele Fan Fiction - CHAPTER TWO)

CONFUSED? START HERE, READER >> INTRO & CHAPTER ONE

Mark Scheifele, #55 of the Winnipeg Jets. Born in Kitchener, Ontario, drafted back in 2011 and signed an eight-year deal with the Jets in 2016. He plays centre, serves as an alternate captain, and shoots with his right hand. He also played for team Canada in the 2012 World Juniors and team North America in the 2016 World Cup of Hockey. Last season, he played sixty games in the regular season, scored twenty-three goals and assisted in thirty-seven for a total of sixty points. His six-foot-three, 207-pound frame is the perfect bulk for winning battles--

“When are you going to stop Googling him?” Ruby walked into the kitchen, heading straight to the Keurig machine to make a cup of coffee.

I turned away from my laptop, adjusting my glasses from falling off of my face.

“Until I know his whole life story.” I protested, taking a sip of my cold earl grey tea.

I had been up since six in the morning, as well as sitting at my laptop for most of the day before, researching everything I could about Mark Scheifele. I've been on Wikipedia, the NHL website, Instagram, Tumblr, Reddit, YouTube; I found so much information already, I could start writing an autobiography for him.

“I have an idea.” Ruby sat down beside me at the kitchen table, the smell of her hot hazelnut coffee filled my nose, giving me a boost of energy. “Why don't you text him instead of being an internet stalker?”

“I'm not ready yet.” I bluntly answered, tapping away at my keyboard.

“It's been 48 hours.”

“I just--” I sighed. “What if he doesn't answer back? Or he pretends that he doesn't know who I am? Or he does text back and says that giving me his number was a mistake?”

“He’s not going to do that, Neens! If he didn’t want to give you his number, he wouldn’t have done it in the first place,” Ruby tried to assure me. I ignored it and started to look in my internet history to find a page I found earlier about Mark’s past relationships. I showed it to Ruby. “His ex-girlfriend is a freestyle skier. She won a gold medal in Sochi! How do I compete with that?!”

Ruby slammed my laptop shut.

“Okay, listen to me.” She grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look her straight in the eye. “First of all, You’re doing that thing when you over analyze situations in your head and you psych yourself out. You need to stop, it's not healthy.”

“Second of all, forget all of the other girls. He wants to talk to you, he wants to get to know YOU. Gold Medal Girl who? She's got nothing on you! You are talented in so many other ways that can easily impress him! You just need to get out of your own head and you need to text him!”

Ruby is the perfect hype-woman, and she was right. Before I knew who Mark really was, he was just the really cute guy at the bar. He was nice and out of all of the women in the room, he gave me a chance. Now, I just know a little bit more about him...maybe I know a bit too much but I shouldn't let it cloud my judgement. However, there was one thing I was having trouble with.

“What do I even say?” I asked, twirling my cell phone around in my hand.

“You could start with 'Hey, it's Nina?’” Ruby suggested.

I stopped playing around with my phone and laid it on the kitchen table, concentrating my gaze on it. I stared at it for so long that I was hoping I could send the text with my mind because my fingers were an anxious, shaking mess.

“It's not too early is it?” I looked around the kitchen for the time, even though I know there isn't a clock in the kitchen.

“It's 9:30 AM, he's probably up by now.” She grabbed my phone and put it back in my hands. “Do it.”

I unlocked it and opened the draft I had been sitting on for the last two days. All you have to do is say hi, and then the rest will follow…

Hey, it's Nina :) ...and send!

“There. Done.” I put my phone back down on the table and took another sip of my tea. I felt a mild sense of relief but was still apprehensive of the text I would get back.

Within moments, my phone was ringing. I checked the caller ID and choked on my tea.

“It's Mark!” I coughed through the liquid stuck in my throat, which was followed by instant panic. “What do I do? I'm not ready for this! TALKING IS HARD! WHAT DO I DO!?”

“ANSWER THE PHONE!” Ruby picked up my phone, swiped the green icon, and shoved it in my face.

“H-h-hello?” I stammered.

“Hey Nina, it's Mark!” He could hear me coughing up a lung in the background. “Are you okay? Is this a bad time?”

“No, not at all!” I finally cleared my throat and got up from my chair to pace around the kitchen. “I'm surprised you called me, and so quick.”

“I’m driving at the moment and didn’t want to make you think I was ignoring you.” He explained. On the phone, his voice sounds sweet but gravelly at the same time.  “To be honest I was excited you messaged me, it's already made my day.”

I went blank, my brain didn’t want to construct sentences. What was the English language? My response consisted of saying ‘uhh,’ ‘cool,’ and ‘yeah’ in between girlish giggles for what felt like a century. Then finally I managed to spit some words out.

“Well, it's a pretty cool number, I couldn't wait to call it...” Ruby looked at me perplexed, even my mouth was questioning what kind of word vomit was that.

“Thanks! I've never gotten a compliment about my phone number before.” Mark laughed on the other end. “So, what are you up to today?”

“Nothing too exciting, just chilling out with the roommates.” More like isolating myself in my bedroom, eating leftover Vietnamese takeout, and playing ranked matches on Rocket League. “What about you?”

“Well, I’m on my way to the Iceplex for practice. It's open to the public today if you and your roommates are interested in coming.”

“Uhhh…” I looked over at Ruby who was hopping in place with a big smile on her face and giving two thumbs up. “Yeah, sounds like fun. We'll be there.”

“Great! I can't wait!”

We said our goodbyes and as soon as I got off the phone Ruby and I were bouncing around the kitchen,

“See? That wasn't so bad!” She reassured. “He even said he was excited to hear from you!”

“I said weird things but it’s okay because he still wants to see me!” I cheered. Heather came into the kitchen and stared at the two of us screaming like teenagers who were about to see One Direction on their reunion tour.

“What are you guys so excited about?” Heather croaked while making herself a cup of tea. I stopped jumping around to notice the redness around her nose, pale skin, and bags under her eyes.

“We just got invited to go watch gorgeous guys play hockey!” Ruby squealed, ignoring the state of our friend.

“Ugh, no thanks.” Heather sniffled. “Cold rink. Cold weather. I’m staying in bed, drinking an entire bottle of Nyquil and binge watching Game of Thrones.”

“I’ll help you back to bed.” I offered, walking with Heather back to her room and tucking her into bed. “Feel better, okay? And if you need anything, text me.”

By the time I put the first episode on for her, she was passed out. I walked back into the kitchen to see Ruby getting off of the phone.

“What are you doing? Why are you not dressed yet?” She asked, pushing me into my bedroom and digging into my dresser. “You need to get all dolled up for your sexy hockey man!”

“I could ask you the same thing. Who were you on the phone with?” I overturned her question. Ruby was holding up shirts to my chest and throwing clothing all over the place.

“Our third…” She quickly changed the subject, looking at my burgundy crew neck sweatshirt. “Oooh, this is cute! Wear this!”

Who is ‘our third?’

---

“I'm so happy you guys invited me!” Simon locked his lifted Dodge Ram 1500 with his fob key. “Do you think Big Buff will sign my Jets hat?”

The ride to the Bell MTS Iceplex was an event all in itself. I was scared for those driving around us because Simon almost got us into THREE accidents, including narrowly missing a family crossing the street in the Unicity area. I never sunk so low in a seat as Simon got berated by the father for driving irresponsibly. Probably didn't help that he was blasting heavy metal the entire way down Portage Avenue, as well as looking at his phone to see if a girl he gave his number to at Cowboy's answered him back. He also decided that it would be a fun idea to quickly do donuts in the empty parking lot by Assiniboine Downs, adding nausea to my already crippling anxiety. As soon as he had his truck parked at the Iceplex, I beelined it for the door, distancing myself as far as I could from Simon and Ruby.

I instantly regretted my decision to split from Simon and Ruby. The Iceplex was crowded, a sea of dark blue and white jerseys covered the first floor of the building and continued up the staircase to the second floor. It was worse right by the entrance; groups of eager kids pushing by eager adults to make their way into the Canadian Tire arena where the practice was being held. I could feel myself getting antsy waiting for those two slowpokes to get in here. Finally, Ruby and Simon walked in and I pulled them to the side to avoid the large crowd of fans.

“How are we going to get into the arena?” I asked, my breath short from feeling claustrophobic.

“There are bleachers in the balcony. Usually, people like to be by the rink so they can get stuff signed.” Simon explained, grabbing mine and Ruby’s hands and pulling us forward. “Follow me!”

We bulldozed through the crowd, getting dragged to the second floor to the entrance of the balcony. I watched as Simon pushed his way down to the front row of bleachers and found seats right in the middle, receiving dirty looks from every single person he blew by.

“Any time now, girls!” He waved us over. I started to feel a bit grateful that Simon tagged along. I could never be as adamant or pushy as he is. He could care less.

We sat down as the team was about to start doing drills. I sat there quietly, observing which way the puck was going and trying to figure out why the players were wearing either a red, blue, or white jersey. This was already confusing to me. I asked Simon what the deal was.

“The red jerseys are the defensemen. And the white and blue jersey are the forwards.” He explained.

“But why white AND blue? Why not just two colours?”

“Well, the different lines can be split by colour. Or if they're practicing in their special teams, the power play line is one colour and the penalty killing line is the other.”

I tried to let the information sink in…”I don't get it.”

“Haha it's okay, don't worry about it right now.” Simon shifted my head towards the northern part of the rink. “Just watch your dude go!”

My eyes immediately found Mark on the ice. He was wearing a white jersey and talking to one of the red jersey guys by the boards. A whistle blew and he made his way to the middle of the ice with a few other players. I watched in awe as the whistle blew again and his feet glided across the icy surface with quick precision. The puck was passed to him; the control he had was flawless, manoeuvring around and keeping it away from the other players. He gave the puck away to another white jersey on the other side of the ice and advanced closer to the goal. The puck was sent back to him again; it barely touched the blade of his stick when he took his shot. The puck went in, flying over the goalie’s shoulder and into the top left corner of the net. Applause erupted in the small arena. I clapped as well, blending into the crowd because I wasn’t the type of person to make a big deal about a practice goal...but Ruby was.

“WHOO! LET’S GO #55!” She shouted, her arms straight in the air while jumping from her seat and standing on the bleachers. Oh my god…

“Ruby! Get down!” I grabbed her by the bottom of her black zip-up hoodie and pulled her down.

I looked back at the ice and there was Mark, looking up at us as he skated by. His crystal blue eyes instantly found mine in a crowd of hundreds, the connection creating an electric current inside of me. My face felt flush as I smirked meekly and waved at him from above. He winked, his guard hanging out of the corner of his mouth.

As strange as it sounds, him chewing on a dental appliance was really attractive. I don’t know why or how, but the image somehow flicked a switch in my brain that made the conclusive decision; it was hot, like mucho caliente.

Once practice was over, the team spent an hour interacting with the fans; answering questions, taking pictures, and signing anything a person had on them. I overheard one guy say he had the whole team sign his chest and was heading to Living Canvas right after to get their names tattooed. I decided to sit outside of the arena by myself around the concession area, staying away from the frenzy. Simon was busy getting autographs on his snapback and Ruby wanted to wander around the facility.

Twenty minutes after the crowd died down, I got a text from Mark.

Hey! Are you still here?

I replied. Yup! Sitting at the concession.

Cool! Be out there soon.

I quickly tapped on the camera of my phone and checked my makeup and hair. Everything looked good, that was until Ruby came up behind me and threw a grey knitted toque on my head.

“Ta-da! Your first piece of Jets merch!” She beamed. “All you need is your man’s jersey and you’re set!”

“Thanks, Ruby!” I adjusted the toque on my head and stood up from my chair to strike a pose. “How does it look?”

Before she could say a word, a voice behind me spoke up.

“It looks good on you.”

I turned around and saw Mark, standing tall despite being active on the ice for the last two hours. His fingers ran through his damp, cool brown hair, swooping it to the side before placing his hands in the pockets of his charcoal sweatpants. His hockey bag slung over his right shoulder, the strap pulling at the sleeve of his cobalt blue Nike sweater.

“Hi.” he grinned.

“Hi…” We stood in silence for a moment, admiring each other. Ruby instantly got uncomfortable.

“Well, I’m gonna leave you two alone and go find Simon.” She was about to walk away when Mark was snapped out of his trance.

“Speaking of your friend Simon, he actually got escorted out of the building a while ago.” He told the two of us.

Ruby’s eyebrows went up in confusion, I deeply sighed in disappointment.

“What did he do?” We asked in unison.

“He snuck into the dressing room pretending he was from the Free Press, but today wasn’t a media day so everybody was kind of confused as to why he was there,” Mark explained, laughing about the situation. “He’s okay though, he told me he was gonna wait by his truck.”

“Okay then, I will meet you at the truck.” Ruby decided.

“Actually, if it’s okay with you…” Mark interjected. “I can drive Nina home later. I was thinking we could grab a bite to eat because I am starving.”

“Yeah, I’m okay with that.” I agreed. The combination of anxiety bubbles and butterflies in the pit of my stomach was starting to make me hungry.

“As long as she is home at a decent time, then it is fine with me.” Ruby wagged her finger at the two of us like an overprotective mother. “And no funny business!”

We parted ways with Ruby as we left the Iceplex. I watched her make kissy faces from outside the truck while Simon wrapped his arms around his body and proceeded to make out with himself. Those two...

“I'm parked over here.” Mark pointed towards the west side of the building.

Was this really happening? Am I actually on a 'sort-of’ date with a professional hockey player right now? Did I brush my teeth this morning? How bad is my breath? How red is my face? I don't know if it's from the cold temperature in the rink or from me blushing so much. I think i'm sweating, do I smell okay? Will he noticed if I take a quick whiff of my armpit?

He's looking at me. My god, he's pretty. His strong jawline, the subtle stubble of his goatee, his long eyelashes... Have I been staring for too long? How long have I been silent? I'm over analyzing again, say something for the love of God!

“Wooooords…” I said that out loud… Where's the nearest hole?

“What was that?” He asked, chuckling. I stayed silent, fearing that I would say something stupid again.

We stopped in front of a sleek silver SUV. I have watched way too many David Dobrik videos to immediately recognize the make of the car.

“You have a Tesla Model X!?” My mouth dropped open and eyes wide in wonder. Mark double clicked on the back of his key fob and the trunk opened.

“Pretty neat, huh?” He threw his hockey bag in the trunk and clicked another button. The side doors lifted up over my head and floated back down moments later. “I like opening the falcon doors for fun sometimes.”

“Cool!!” I marvelled. Mark came to the passenger side of the car and open the door for me.

“Your chariot awaits…”  

#mark scheifele #mark scheifele fan fic #mark scheifele fan fiction #still have no title #sue me #creative writing #winnipeg jets #winnipeg jets fan fiction #nina mendoza oc #hockey fan fiction #chapter two #my work

[toasttz]

How to make Games: Horror

Alright, listen up skerbs. We're here to make money and make it with minimal effort, so bust out Unity engine game maker, download some ready-made assets, and sign that merch deal with Hot Topic, 'cuz it's time to make some Horror Games! The essence of the horror game is beauty in simplicity - simple in that it's really fucking dark so graphical fidelity ceases mattering and beauty in that you can't tell that the game looks like ass because it's so damn dark. So long as it's dark and you don't have a gun, making a horror game is astoundingly easy. The only thing easier these days is getting Funko to license your shit to make Pop figures, but one step at a time. Horror comes in a small number of flavors and you can pick your favorite, insofar as most soft serve machines offer two flavors and then a swirl of them: Runners, Hiders, and Sitters. In a Runner, you're plunked into some kind of field - usually a dark, spooky forest since those have lots of unity asset-- I mean -- lots of potential for nature's repeating textures to disorient you while the brass band riding on your back makes a ton of noise whenever the monster is near and/or in view, depending on how badly you want to be Slender: The Arrival. Speaking of which, making a monster is easy and requires no effort at all. Just take the template "The [Adjective] Man" or, if you really want to break the mold, "The [Adjective] Woman". Any effort into making the monster beyond that is effort not being spent on merchandising. Just make it bigger, faster, and a one-hit death. That should motivate your players to run at the sight of it. That done, you need an objective. Collecting objects is a popular one, as is clearing a maze. As for sound design? Just make it really quiet when you're safe and obnoxiously loud when in danger. That's the Runner in a nutshell. Next, the Hider. These games usually have budgets on the "above shoestring" threshold and almost always take place in locations that the player's character should already know better than to enter and the enemy is either a big, scary monster-man that killed everyone inside, or the enemy is everyone inside. Remember, psychoses are to be mocked and ridiculed and played for cheap drama! Don't bother researching actual mental health conditions or the, frankly, actually-terrifying conditions under which asylums used to be run! Remember: merchandising! Just put scary, bald men in white straight jackets and have them shout things that sound ominous and have blood writing on walls that vaguely implicates the player of some form of wrongdoing. Words like "TRAITOR", or "LIAR", or "HILLARY CLINTON 2020" should be enough to send chills down the unassuming explorer's spines. Since enemies should be everywhere and death plentiful - because there's no way anyone can become numbed to horror by experiencing it over and over! Remember, don't study psychology! - your means of defending yourself should include broom closets and boxes you can hide in! Never mind that turns all gameplay experiences into coin flips as to whether the AI should find you or not! That's not important! Of course, the Hider is the one time that, in the last leg of the game, you can throw out your established, grounded setting and have magic powers just be a thing. Literally all Hiders do this! It's a great way to get your hero out alive after slogging through sheer tedious, unfun, frustrating gimmicks for the 7 hour runtime. Your players will totally forgive everything else if the horror atmosphere is traded off for a generic action game in the last moments! For realsies! And lastly, for people who desperately want that sweet, sweet Scott Cawthon dosh, are the Sitters. Never mind that these weren't popular until Five Nights at Freddy's at all! You're not an unoriginal hack! It's an "homage" to a "fellow horror franchise"! All you need is an implausible reason to be in a dark room with things that murder children for some reason! Much like in indie platformers - the more dead kids your game has, the better. While you could try to innovate and explore different avenues of human psychology by having the enemies by directly reflective of the player or main character's fears and phobias - including scotophobia, the fear of the dark, arachnophobia, a fear of politicians, or homophobia, a fear of words that sound alike by are spelled differently - but, no. Don't do that. That would be time out of MERCHANDISING! And that just won't do, so just rip off Scott Cawthon. Doesn't matter the polarizing nature of his work, we have money to make, bitches, so get rich quick or get out of the way. Throw in some cheap jump-scares and we've finished the Sitter. Regardless of which you pick, you need gore. Lots and lots of gore. Doesn't matter if it makes sense! In fact, it's better that it doesn't, because here's the beauty of horror story telling: DON'T EVER TELL A STORY IN YOUR HORROR GAME. You only want the vaguest of hints of a possible storyline in your horror game to keep the reddits tweeting. That's how Reddit works, right? I'm pretty sure that's how it works. A-anyway, getting your fans to advertise for you is the best means of advertising since it doesn't cost you anything! It's win-win! And then once you see a fan theory that's too close to the idea you had in your head (and had no intention of putting on paper) you can just change the story completely and point at how wrong they all are! It's completely flawless since no one can call you out on SISTER LOCATION'ing your fans, on account there's no documentation to the contrary and they just have to accept your input. Remember what I always say: over-explaining is the same as Undertaling and you want to avoid that like the plague it rightfully is. So, what have we learned today? Darkness. Brass band on your back. Low graphical fidelity. Writing optional. Dead kids. Got it? Good. Congrats, you can now make horror games like a boss. Sure, you're flooding an already-flooded market with no original ideas, but it's what everyone else is doing, so you won't be noticed for good or for ill, up until you finally break from your "genius" not being recognized and just go back to making H-games. You're welcome.

#satire #video games #games #horror

[authenticparanoidghosts]

here’s a very long d&d story about the time my party used volleyball skills to become a god.  for @komodoclassic, because she asked

this is a story in three parts

part i - a brief introduction of major characters and setting

okay so this was our big sophomore year campaign that lasted from first semester on over into part of second semester

really good campaign, our DM put a lot of work into it and we love him, but we had so many players that we had to split into two groups who both played the same world on the same timeline which was a huge fantastic mess

it ended bc the group I was in got a total party kill fighting a lizard with a magic eyeball (a totally different story - I was playing a hot tree and I might have killed him on my own after the rest of the party died if he hadn’t had that fucking entourage) and the other group killed the interdimensional asshole/refugee guy my party was actually trying to help

anyways, important characters in this story:

our DM, who I will not refer to by name even though I do tag him by name sometimes. I love to be inconsistent 

me, playing my first character for this campaign (who did survive! she had to be retired before the lizard TPK for other nonsense reasons), a dwarf paladin named Taxes

Taxes (real name: Ataxite Tellus) was from a family of swindlers and petty criminals and was forced to leave her life of burglary and scamming when her parents got paid off to have someone take the fall for murdering The Very Important Mayor Of The Big Island Of This Archipelago Country and decided to frame her for it

instead of going to jail like she was supposed to, she was like “fuck this” and fled to a different island where she dyed her hair and put on a bandana like an old west outlaw and spitefully decided to dedicate her life to Not Being A Huge Asshole 

obviously the way to do this is by taking some (k)night classes and becoming a paladin

Taxes is not a very good paladin

her god is Deimos, who does fire and war and justice and out of all the gods we met during the campaign (which was honestly a shocking amount) he was the nicest to us

our DM said he (Deimos) got briefly famous on the d&d reddit - partially because of this story and partially because of the stunts we were pulling immediately before it

anyways it’s important that you know that Taxes is from a family of criminals and just genuinely not very good at her job

one of my roommates, playing an elven wizard/lich whose name was Faenor but went exclusively by Gregg

good things to know about Gregg: she and Taxes had a classic straight man/banana man dynamic where she would try to do terrible ridiculous criminal things and Taxes would loudly protest but do very little to stop her

a friend, playing a dwarf paladin/cleric named Yule Marbles

Yule also followed Deimos and she and Taxes had an elaborate prayer handshake that they’d made up that gave them DM-sanctioned bonuses to religion checks

our party prayed basically exclusively to Deimos and eventually gained new player characters who ALSO followed him so after a point we just kind of paraded around the world as Deimos’ Favorite Idiots

part ii - volleyball

alright those are the people you need to know, let’s set the scene

our party needs to flee Dinosaur Hell Island where we have just solved the mystery we were summoned to help investigate and also accidentally started a war

quick trivia: Taxes (me) got mocked CONSTANTLY through the campaign bc she kept ACCIDENTALLY STARTING WARS

BAD PALADIN BEHAVIOR

but I did get a joke proficiency in starting wars which I later convinced the DM to let me use to benefit the party, so who’s laughing now, motherfucker

(the final count was that at LEAST three (3) legitimate, real-ass wars could be traced directly back to my actions as Taxes, as well as a couple other events that I would prefer to call “skirmishes” or “battles” that happened more indirectly.  I refuse to count Malcolm’s not-so-legal battle for the deed to hell because 1) I did NOT help that guy, I just said I would, and 2) that was his problem and he started it)

we are leaving without telling anyone what we’ve found out

because they’re going to kill us, probably

you know. because of the war. that we started. on their already incredibly politically fraught island

the point is that we solved the goddamn mystery despite being absolutely terrible detectives and we FINALLY get to leave

we’ve been playing this part of the campaign for weeks and we’re all very tired of it

also the player who was intended to take point on the investigation (her hot mentor/maybe boyfriend? was the one who had called us there) had died pretty early on doing a pretty risky stunt involving a shark and an underwater cave, so we were just muddling through it

and we kept “”accidentally”” insulting people by stealing things (dinosaurs) and getting caught trying to break into things (sacred temples) and just generally being rude (Yule REALLY didn’t like the fey and I was briefly cursed by a swamp hag)

and, again, we started that war

we really need to skip town

a very unfortunate ship had crashed on the island a couple days previously and some of the people on it are very powerful sorcerers who we (really just Xenon, the half-orc fighter and everyone’s very best friend) have convinced to teleport us off the island

we just need to hide out on their beach and kill some time until the teleportation circle is ready

“do you want to take a rest?” the DM asks

“we should play beach volleyball,” someone else says, at the exact same time

resting is for suckers who are afraid of the very angry lizard people who want to kill us

we vote unanimously to play beach volleyball

the DM graciously decides that, in the interest of comedy, we have all the materials we need and won’t have to, like, sit down and weave a net

we break into two teams of four. team names are quickly decided to be The Hotdogs vs. The Hamburglars 

after the party split our group retained “hamburglars” as our group chat name because our threshold for what entertains us is embarrassingly low

there are eight of us, so we’re playing four-on-four

the makeup of the teams isn’t important (and I can’t remember them), but know that we’re a half-orc, a tiefling, a middle-school-age human girl, an adult human man, two dwarves, an undead elf, and a fishperson

we spend a decent amount of time coming up with rules necessary to let us play volleyball

it’s mostly dexterity checks and rolling a d4 to see what quadrant of the court the ball lands in

some of our group doesn’t know the rules to actual volleyball and they have to be explained

listen. this is possibly the nerdiest thing I’ve ever done. I’m willing to acknowledge that, you don’t need to tell me.

anyways, ultimately the outcome of the game doesn’t matter (the Hamburglars won) and neither does how good or bad anyone was at rolling for imaginary volleyball (we fucking crushed the Hotdogs)

the point is that we played it and were so charmed by it that we would not forget about our new skills. we would remember them in our hour of need.

part iii - now I am (accidentally) become (NOT ACTUALLY A) god, destroyer of pirates

imagine there’s a timeskip

like, uh, two weeks later in game time at MOST

the group has split in real life, so my group is now Taxes, Yule, Gregg, Roswell (delightful fishperson), and another guy who stopped coming regularly and then was later replaced by another guy who doesn’t really become important until later, when we try to help a dimension-hopping dicklick by killing a lizard and stealing his eyeball

his character’s name was Yashirou and he’s not in this at all but it’s important that you know that by the time he died he had been partially transformed into so many different things that he was achingly close to being classified as an abomination and also was probably going to be fired from his job as a space cop

anyways, it’s a new day and a new session

actually, it’s probably like 11 pm. this will be relevant later

Taxes, Gregg, and Yule are the only player characters present because Roswell was busy or something

we’re on a new continent, hanging out with Taxes’ younger sister, Olivine

Olivine has also split from their parents and now runs an all-female gang of pirates who steal from the two much BIGGER gangs of pirates and also the trading federation and then sells whatever they’ve captured to the anti-government faction of the civil war that’s currently happening on the continent

this civil war is the only war currently going on/about to start where the root causes are NOT my fault in any way because when the thing that caused the circumstances that are creating unrest happened, Taxes had her hands over her ears and was humming loudly bc she knew she’d be morally obligated to do something if someone told her what was going on

right now, both major gangs of pirates and the trading federation are also all currently at war with each other

this is my fault

nobody but Gregg and Yule know it’s my fault, though, so I’m only in danger of being mocked for it

anyways we’re hanging out with my sister

doing crime

well, Gregg is doing crime.  Taxes and Yule are paladins so they’re just protecting their good friend Gregg from people who might try to do her harm.  it’s an airtight excuse, thank you

we’re actually on the continent because we’re traveling to visit Yule’s wife and son

so my sister and her gang (and us) have recently stolen a bunch of supplies from a guy named Scipio who is, we’ve been told, a Huge Asshole

Olivine’s gang is going to pay some local sailors to run the supplies up to the northern part of the continent which is both where the rebels are based and where Yule’s family lives

so ofc we’re on one boat (chock full of magical items we have recently lit a perfectly nice wizard on fire to steal) and two of the girl gang members are on the other (full of, like, food I think) providing security and acting as Olivine’s representatives for the deal they’re trying to make with the rebel camp

things are going well

we’re just sailing, no big deal

except, you know, like the first rule of d&d is Never Get On A Boat

and we are definitely on a boat

undeniably on a boat

on a boat full of MANY stolen goods

so ofc a couple hours into our trip, a bigger, faster ship sails up behind us. a bigger, faster ship with very official looking flags

it’s a gang of pirate enforcers (from one of the big two gangs) and they are presumably here to rob the shit out of us

“oh shit” we say, and look over at the other boat where the only NPCs who can help us also appear to be mouthing oh shit

“well,” someone says (me), “I think we can talk our way out of this”

I like to think I’m optimistic (and sometimes I find combat boring)

I prefer to try to lie my ass off to get us out of bad situations

we let the pirates board

things to know:

previous to this adventure on this continent, Taxes had gained the ability to see the names of everyone she meets, Death Note style

also she has a new helmet

more on the helmet later

Yule, who had been wearing Custom Order Rose Gold Plate Armor with the symbol of Deimos (god of LAW and JUSTICE) inscribed in the front and a cake recipe on the back, had been persuaded to take it off and hide it below decks so she looks less like the paladin/cleric she is

Gregg and Taxes look sketchy as hell all the time so they’re not worried

“hey, uh, what’s the plan?” someone asks, moments before the pirates climb onto our ship

“we are also pirates now,” Taxes says

“what”

“we are specifically the same sort of pirates they are because they’re not going to rob one of their own boats,” Taxes says, because she has the actor feat and is willing to use it

“alright, sounds good,” Gregg says, because she loves deception and can just blast the shit out of anyone with her wizard powers if things go south

so we let the pirates board

guy #1 (the only important pirate in this story) is obviously in charge and probably wearing an outfit that makes him look like a douche

he’s a huge douche which we find out immediately and also again later

you’ll see

he starts in on us, threatening everyone, asking our business and clearly winding up to start demanding that we put our hands on our heads and show him where our gold is

“Harrison,” Taxes says

she can see that his name is Harrison with her magic eyes

“Harrison, please, you’ve got the wrong boat”

Harrison - and everyone with him - about swallows his tongue in surprise that she’s addressing him by name

later we find out from the DM that at work he goes by something incredibly silly like Inflammis or Incindior or Combustus or something

none of the other pirates know his name is really Harrison

“who the fuck are you” the pirates, rather reasonably, want to know

“representatives of Lady Blackwing herself,” Gregg says, because we have a hold full of treasure we’ve literally just stolen from this exact group of pirates the day before and nothing to lose

Gregg is basically impossible to kill and should not be allowed to make decisions for the party, but we never learned

we attempt to convince Harrison that we are, in fact, pirates and that we do, actually, work for his boss (Lady Blackwing)

our story is that we’re secret profiteers who are selling things on the black market to both armies in order to fill Lady Blackwing’s pockets with gold

I’m sure you remember there’s a civil war about to get started

“what the fuck is a secret profiteer?” Harrison wants to know

“well,” we say, “we’d tell you, but how do we know you’re high enough up in the organization to have clearance for that information?” heavily implying that he’s a chump for not recognizing us

oooo, burn

Harrison is, of course, not fooled by this

so we send Yule down to the hold to get something to prove that we have our own cargo (that we definitely didn’t steal from them)

Yule comes back, arms full of Custom Order Rose Gold Plate Armor with the symbol of Deimos (god of LAW and JUSTICE) inscribed in the front and a cake recipe on the back, and we roll JUST barely high enough to convince him that we have our own goods and we might, in fact, be pirates who are on his team and he probably should try not to rob us 

so Harrison, a little dazed and definitely pissed off (we were not very polite to him), goes back to his ship

the pirates who have boarded the other vessel also go back to their ship

we start trying to sail the hell out of there as fast as possible

the other boat we’re traveling with sails up next to us and our NPC friends wave us over

“what the FUCK did you tell them?” hot girl gang member who can, like, literally smite things (she was clearly the muscle of the group) asks us 

“we convinced them we were also pirates,” we say

“oh shit” she says

their boat has convinced the pirates that they’re just merchants

turns out the pirates really are looking for the people who robbed them yesterday

for revenge

that’s us. they want revenge on us.

we decide to sail faster

it’s too late, though, because the pirate ship is sailing after us again and we already know they’re capable of catching us

“should we fire the canons?” someone asks, unsure if our boats even HAVE canons

“you should roll initiative,” the DM says, not at all like it’s a suggestion

we’re in combat

on Harrison’s first turn, he hits us with a level 7 fireball

turns out he’s a wizard and he’s very mad at us

Infernus, his work name was probably Infernus

we’re understandably furious about being on fire

there is some shouting that he probably cannot hear

now we get turns

two of us are paladins who don’t really have ranged attacks, and the other one of us is Gregg

the NPCs can do some cool shit but this has dragged on long enough so I will not mention them

“hm,” Gregg says, and tries to light them on fire back (it doesn’t work)

“oh dear,” Yule says, and attempts to fire a canon at them (turns out we do have them)

“I’d like to use my magic hat,” Taxes says, because she REALLY doesn’t want anymore 7th level spells being thrown around and now seems like a good a time as any to figure out what the hat does

“oh my god,” says the DM

“oh my god, really?” he looks delighted

this is the first inkling we get that Taxes’ magic hat is maybe more powerful than any item we ever should have been given

ABOUT THE HAT

previous to this adventure (after Dinosaur Hell Island), Gregg went house shopping and we ended up stealing a fortress carved into a meteor (located in a plane I think our DM might have made up that was basically space) from a Beholder 

after clearing the Beholder and most of its minions out from our future home, we went through it and found a whole bunch of loot.  most notably a rock with a weird marking on it, a shield, and a helmet

the rock went to Gregg who owned the house and when she picked it up the markings moved to her arm and gave her sort of a sick sleeve tattoo that I think boosted all her necrotic spells or something

goth as FUCK

Xenon, the fighter and our very good friend, got the shield and I honestly don’t think we ever figured out what it did

Taxes got the Helmet of War

she’s a paladin of the god of war (and justice and fire), so why not

it’s just a normal-looking helmet and it gave +1 to armor class and our DM had me roll a d4 to see how many charges it had

the helmet had 4 charges, and we did an arcana check but all we learned was that it would summon “an avatar of war”

cool, I thought, like a spirit or something that can fight with me in battle

well

we didn’t bother to investigate any further

“I’d like to use my magic hat,” Taxes says, thinking that an avatar of war might be able to fly and go attack Harrison from a distance

“oh my god,” says the DM, and from the light in his eyes you’d think one of us had just gotten down on one knee for him

“are you sure,” he asks in the DM Voice, and Taxes just shrugs because even if it doesn’t work, at least they’ll know what the hat does, right?

“yeah,” Taxes says, “I activate my magic hat”

“oh my god,” the DM says, and starts furiously writing something down

we wait with interest because we’re starting to get the feeling that the hat does something cool

who’d have thought

“okay,” he says, after a minute

“Taxes starts to glow and she steps off the ship,” he says

“what,” I say, because I’m wearing plate armor and don’t trust myself to roll high enough not to drown because of it

“a giant, 50 foot tall, glowing Taxes forms around her”

“what,” I say

“you’re standing on top of the water, piloting this giant spectral form from the inside”

“what,” I say

“your strength and dex are both 30 and you have 100 additional health,” he says.  “it’ll last for 10 minutes or until the 100 health are depleted”

“what,” we all say

“what would you like to do, avatar of war?” he asks

oh, I’M the avatar of war

THAT’S what the hat does

Taxes raises her arm and points at the pirate ship

HARRISON, she yells, in a voice that’s 50 feet tall and also glowing

the intimidation roll is a nat 20

Gregg does a perception check and the DM assures us that Harrison has peed himself

we all feel very smug

“I want that ship,” I say to the DM

“you- what?” he asks

“I want to have that ship. I’m going to pick up it up,” I say

“oh my god,” he says

“roll strength for it,” he says

Taxes rolls a nat 20 to pick up the ship

the second nat 20 in a row

all four of us are literally shaking with excitement

she scoops up the ship with one huge, glowing hand, and heaves it up to eye level

down on our boat, Gregg and Yule are going absolutely ape

Gregg is screaming encouragement, Yule is on the verge of ecstatic tears

this is also exactly how we feel in real life

“what do you want to do with the boat?” the DM says

“uhh,” I say, because I hadn’t thought that far ahead

we all contemplate the situation

“you could dropkick it,” someone says

“oh my god,” I say

we look at the DM

“roll something,” he says, because no one wants to see what’s about to happen more than he does

natural 20

the third one

in a row

this will probably never happen to me again, ever, in my life

all four of us are shouting at once, we’re on the verge of hysteria

I’m in tears

it’s nearly 1 am and we’re acting like we’ve won the superbowl 

this is the best possible outcome the magic hat could have had

“how do you want to do this?” the DM asks, which is his special ‘I’m going to give you gays everything you want’ phrase that usually means we get to decide the finishing blow for an enemy

“actually,” I say, “can I jump serve it?”

“oh my god,” someone says

that’s right.  beach volleyball, motherfuckers

“yes,” he says

50 foot Taxes tosses the boat into the air

takes a beautiful run-up

and spikes a boat full of pirates so hard that it soars over the coastline and crashes well inland

“wow,” the DM says.  “I’m gonna need some time to figure out how much experience this get you”

later, once he’s got it figured out, it will be enough to give Taxes two levels instantaneously as well as giving Gregg and Yule one each

Taxes goes back to the boats she’s been traveling with

EVERYONE on board is losing their goddamn minds

Yule and Taxes decide to ride the high and take a moment to make an extra big prayer to their god to thank him for the magic hat because it’s so incredibly baller

the roll is not a nat 20, but a holy fire descends upon Mega Taxes and the symbol of Deimos appears over her huge, spectral breastplate

Attack of the Fifty Foot Taxes decides to just pick up the ships she’s traveling with and carry them as far as her remaining 9 minutes of avatar time will get her

“what day is it,” I ask the DM as we’re doing this, because we’re tracking exactly what day it is in-game and it’s fun to know

“june 21st,” he says, after flipping through his notes

“huh,” someone says, “that’s the summer solstice”

“oh my god,” he says

you’ll never guess which patron deity’s major holiday is celebrated on the summer solstice

that’s a lie, you get one guess

it’s Deimos, god of fire and justice and war and being AWESOME as HELL

so

a giant, glowing figure of a dwarf in battered armor with the symbol of Deimos blazing on their chest was seen walking across the ocean just offshore of a major continent that is currently on the cusp of all-out civil war on the morning of Demios’ holy day

it’s just Taxes, who really only does these things on accident or on impulse in the heat of the moment

but the people of the continent don’t know that 

soon, after reaching our destination and starting off on foot towards the village where Yule’s wife lives, we start hearing rumors about the return of Deimos, the Real Ass God

this is what makes the third war my fault

the rumors are never disproven and people continue to believe that Deimos Really Did That until the day we called it quits

“oh my god,” Taxes, a very grudging paladin, says in horror, adjusting her bandana more firmly over her face

“oh my god,” says Gregg, who knows exactly how she’s going to be introducing her friend to the next person they meet

#this is the world's longest post #I'm so sorry #posts #also kinda #my writing #and I'd better tag this for #Taxes

[zig-a-zow]

As told by Aiden [Chapter 1: Come hang out]

Summary: Aiden Zhou had everything figured out. He was a Junior at high school, he would graduate in two years, attend a prestigious school such as Juilliard and become the best musician he could be. Of course, despite being practically a prodigy at what he loved, he had a lot to learn yet, especially the most important lesson: there was more to life than what he once thought.

Pairings: Aiden x MC (Grace Ashton)

Word count: 3123

Notes: Hello there! What is this, you might be asking yourself? Well, nothing other than what the title says: High School Story as told by Aiden. The events from the book, but from his perspective, plus extra scenes/fanon lore. There are significant changes in this story, though. For once, I have two MCs, best friends Grace and Callie. However, one of them will be significantly more prominent due to being Aiden's love interest. Also, each chapter has its own song, cause how could I write about Aiden without music included? Click the lyrics to listen. Without further ado, let’s begin.

Ch. 1 (It's right here!) - Ch. 2  - Ch. 3 - Ch. 4 - Ch. 5 - Ch. 6 - Ch. 7 - Ch. 8 (Coming soon!)

And all my friends say

Come hang out , 'cause you're out of your mind

You're working so damn hard you forgot what you like.

"Aiden... Aiden!"

His eyes moved quickly from his music sheet to his mother's face when he heard her voice. He sighed deeply. She was giving him that look again.

"Yes?"

"Darling, could you maybe leave your music sheets aside for a moment?" she asked as softly as she could, smiling slightly. "You haven't even touched your breakfast!"

"Mom... this is very important. I need to figure out this next piece, soon."

"Aiden, listen to your mother."

He casted his father a single, subtly exasperated glance. Of course, Glen Zhou wouldn't notice, since his face was hidden behind today's newspaper. Aiden sighed yet again as he reluctantly put his music sheets back in his bag.

It wasn't that he didn't appreciate his mother's effort to feed him, but his mind was elsewhere, as usual. He had to show Ezra that he was much more than his first chair trumpet, he was also a composer, and a very talented one at that.

The fact that he had been trying to impress his student director for two years now, to no avail, really got him on his nerves.

He jumped slightly when the alarm on his watch went off, and immediately stood up. It was time for him to leave.

"Aiden, you're forgetting your lunch."

He returned a few steps with a sigh, and his mother gave him a small smile as she carefully tucked the paper bag on his backpack.

"Thanks, mom" he muttered, and pressed a brief kiss on her cheek. "See you later."

He barely heard her reply as he rushed outside, towards his car. No, he wasn't late at all, he just enjoyed being early. The ride was short, as always. It was a relatively small town after all, which had its perks. For example, he knew practically everyone in the neighborhood, at least by name.

He was just parking when he could see Myra waiting for him on the other side of the parking lot, a wide grin spreading on her face as she spotted him as well.

"There he is, the Piano Man!" she exclaimed as she approached and he climbed out of the vehicle. "Any progress on your masterpiece?"

"I know you're being sarcastic, but I will take it anyway" Aiden couldn't help but smile slightly as he hung his bag on his shoulder. "And no... I keep writing a few notes just to erase them five seconds later."

"Mhm... maybe composing isn't your forte after all, huh?"

Aiden didn't even reply, just rolled his eyes and sighed. He was more than used to those silly puns and jokes from her, so it was better to roll with it. Since he had met her, last year at band tryouts, she had always been that cheery, loud, and sometimes obnoxious self.

He still wasn't sure why they were friends at all.

"... never seen that car before!"

He was barely hearing her, but he followed her gaze anyway. He had to agree, that bright red car wasn't one he was familiar with, and he had seen all of them by parking there every single school day. That meant someone had a new car, or there was a new student. Maybe two.

A pair of girls climbed out of the car almost at the same time. The first one was practically bouncing on her heels, her bright blonde hair jumping around with her.

"C'mon, c'mon...!"

"You seem way too excited to be the new kid again" the second girl shoved her car keys in her bag carelessly as she followed her bouncing friend, not paying attention to the only other two people in the place.

But they were paying attention. At least Aiden was. He found it a bit difficult to stop staring at the second girl's perfect dark curls, which bounced with every step she took as she walked away, until she was out of sight.

"Hey, hey!" Myra snapped her fingers in front of him to get his attention, a sly smile on her face. "Already crushing on the new girl, are we? Which one was it?"

"Oh, please" he muttered as he frowned slightly, brushing her words off with an indifferent wave of his hand. "You know very well that I have no interest in... 'crushes', as you like to call them."

"Sure, uh-huh. We'll see about that."

"No, we won't. Now come on, I don't want to be late."

He was painfully aware of the red tone on his cheeks, so he rushed towards the school as quick as he could.

Aiden was very, very thankful that his classes were enough to distract him. He really didn't want to think about that girl's face, her long eyelashes that batted slowly, her dark skin which seemed to glow under the morning sunlight, her chocolate eyes that...

... dang it.

The bell before lunch rang and he let out an exasperated sigh as he headed out of the classroom. He was not 'crushing' on that girl.

No. Definitely not.

He just... appreciated her beauty? Like one would appreciate a painting at the museum. It was an objective feeling.

She was pretty, and he was mesmerized by her. That was it.

"Aiden, my man!" he startled slightly when Ezra Mitchell, his student director, placed one of his arms around his shoulders. "It's good to see you."

"Ezra! The feeling is mutual, believe me" Aiden sighed with relief, a new distraction was just what he needed. "I've been working on a new piece that could really... how would you say it, 'spice up' the band's upcoming performance."

"Look at you, learning today's slang! Good for you, buddy."

Aiden frowned slightly as he slipped out of his embrace, though Ezra didn't seem to notice or care as they continued walking toward their usual table, Myra joining in a few seconds later.

At a nearby table, most of the band was eating and chatting. Aiden wasn't exactly close with any of them, however. He mostly interacted with them only when necessary, so it was a relief that both Ezra and Myra found his company appealing enough to get their own table.

Ezra spent most of lunch talking to Myra about an action movie he watched with his brother on the weekend, Devil's Canyon.

"... he took his shirt off every five minutes! I'm serious, I even counted!"

"Hah! You say that like it's a bad thing!"

Aiden sighed heavily. He had given them more than enough time to talk about such trivial things. He cleared his throat loudly, getting their attention.

"If you're quite done... I would like to direct your attention to more important topics."

"Is this about the music we'll play at halftime, again?" asked Myra, rising an eyebrow at him. "'Cause I'd rather keep talking about Matt Rodriguez and his awesome... acting skills."

"No, Myra, let's hear him out" Ezra turned to him and finally gave him his attention. "What's on your mind, buddy?"

Aiden proceeded to take two different music sheets from his bag, a slightly pleased smile on his face.

"I've got a few new songs we might want to consider for the next halftime show..." he said then, and offered the sheets to Ezra, who began to read them curiously. "There's, 'The Wonderful Widow of Eighteen Springs' by John Cage... or how about 'The Gadfly Suite' by Shostakovitch?"

Ezra shook his head as he read the sheets once again, grimacing slightly.

"I ain't gonna lie, Aiden, these sound pretty obscure."

"You haven't even listened to them yet!"

"Exactly. If I don't recognize them, no one else will either."

Aiden frowned in frustration as he stood up to pace in front of their table, running a hand through his dark hair.

"Very well. Let's suppose that you're right..."

"I am."

"... and most of the school doesn't recognize these pieces" he ignored the interruption, his frown deepening. "Does that really make a difference? I don't think anyone at this school can recognize anything but the fight song, aside from us band members, of course."

"It's not about that, Aiden. We've been playing the fight song every year, and we're not stopping now. End of discussion."

Aiden couldn't help but scowl this time, placing his hands on the table as he leaned forward just slightly. Now he was pissed.

"How can someone self-taught be so conservative? You should be the bold one."

"That's funny. I was just about to ask how someone so classically trained could be so eager to change things up."

Myra rubbed her temples for a second before she raised her own voice in an attempt to stop their argument.

"Let's keep it civil, okay? This is real life, not a Reddit thread" she said with a frown, obviously deciding not to take sides. "Besides, it's just a song."

"Just a song?!"

Aiden heard that his voice go a few notes higher than intended, but he didn't care. He was too busy feeling indignation towards his fellow band member.

"Hey!" a feminine voice shouted, startling the three of them at once. "There's a new person standing here. Pay attention!"

They all turned toward her, and Aiden held his breath for a second.

There she was, the pretty girl with the perfect hair that had mesmerized him earlier. She was frowning at him, arms crossed above her chest. He found her strangely intimidating, taking into consideration that she was at least a few inches shorter than him.

"Uh... my apologies. We didn't notice you there."

"Yeah, I kinda picked up on that" she muttered, although her expression softened slowly.

"... wait a minute, I know you! You're one of the new girls on my homeroom!" exclaimed Myra with a smile, standing up as well to have a good look at her. "You're Grace, right? Grace Ashton."

"Yeah... you must be Myra. I could hear your voice from the front row."

"Hah! Guilty as charged!"

"Ahem. Welcome... Grace. Are you a musician?" Aiden regained the girl's attention with ease, before he shook his head slightly. "Wait. Don't tell me. Give me your hand."

Grace raised an eyebrow, and he could feel his cheeks burn just by the sight of the smirk on her lips.

"I don't think so. You'll have to buy me dinner first."

"I... uh..."

Aiden swallowed hard as he looked away for a second, feeling the heat on his face rise even more. Was she... flirting with him? Why? And how was he supposed to react?!

He cleared his throat as he addressed her again, ignoring Myra's giggle and Ezra's chuckle.

"I... didn't mean it like that?"

"You sure about that, buddy?" Ezra's voice called for Grace's attention, much to his relief. "You'll have to excuse him. Aiden here is much better with instruments than with actual human beings... I'm Ezra, by the way."

Grace nodded and finally decided to take a seat with them, casting Aiden a curious glance. He sat beside her as he regained his composure. Maybe changing the subject could help.

"Please tell me you play the saxophone."

"I do play the saxophone. And a little bit of piano, but mostly sax."

"I knew it. Your lips told me everything" he beamed at her, and she smiled back, her eyebrows arching until he realized what he had said. "Er. Not literally. But, you know what I mean."

"Heh. Yeah, I do" she turned toward Myra, who seemed to be bouncing on her seat from excitement. "I take it you were in need of a sax player...?"

"Ah, yes! You're a gift from heaven!"

"You should totally come to the band room and play with us" Ezra shoved the remainings of his lunch on his tray and stood up with a smile. "Put your sax skills to the test, what do you say?"

"I say bring it!" Grace almost jumped out of her seat, a confident smile on her plump lips. "Lead the way."

"Alright, alright! That's the spirit!"

The two of them walked away, and Aiden found himself alone with Myra, still slightly stunned by what just had happened. Myra was giving him a significant look.

"What?"

"Are you gonna buy her dinner, Aiden?"

He scoffed as he stood up as well, carefully tucking his music sheets back in his bag before following both Ezra and Grace, hearing Myra's laugh and steps right behind him.

When they arrived to the band room, Ezra was already handing Grace a saxophone, which she took on her hands with obvious expertise.

"Don't worry, it's totally clean" he assured her, patting her back with a friendly smile. "It hasn't been used since our previous sax player graduated last year."

"Okay, but I'll bring my own next time."

Both Aiden and Myra prepared to join her, as Ezra stood in front of them with a music sheet that was identical to the ones in front of them.

Preparing his trumpet, Aiden turned to Grace.

"Try to keep up. The key thing is to time your cues with the rest of us."

"I know. But thanks for the reminder" she offered him a tiny smile as she took the instrument to her lips. "I mean it."

"Enough" Ezra spoke firmly from the front, commanding their attention. "I think Grace is ready."

And just like that, they started playing. And while their sounds blended together perfectly, Aiden was having a hard time concentrating on his own instrument.

He really was trying to find some kind of flaw on Grace's sound, but he wasn't very successful. She did sound very good.

"Not bad!" exclaimed Ezra as they put their instruments down, grinning at them. "Just a little bit more practice and I can see you joining us."

"I'll admit the notes were... technically correct" Aiden gave her the slightest of smiles, but she scoffed as she shook her head.

"Wow. High praise from Mr. Fancypants."

"I'm wearing regular pants."

Grace couldn't help but laugh briefly at that, directing her attention to Ezra and handing him back the saxophone she had played.

"What they're trying to say is that you should totally audition for the band" said Myra with a smile, grabbing her arm gently. "Not only would you be saving our butts, but you'd also get to spend more time with the best musician here... me!"

"Ha. Can't argue with that."

"No need to answer now. You've got a week to think about it" assured Ezra as he placed the music sheets they had used back on their binder.

"... and to practice" Aiden took the chance to pipe up, getting her attention right back. "Auditions are... competitive."

"Even if I'm the only sax player you can find?"

"Even then."

"Great, I love a good challenge."

"I can tell you and I are gonna get along" Ezra placed an arm around her shoulders with a grin. "By the way, are you going to Brian's party tonight?"

"Yeah, I'll be there."

Myra gasped.

"But I thought Brian said you were not invited!"

"So?"

"Oh... oooh! I like you already!"

Aiden was barely hearing their conversation. He was deciding whether he would attend that party or not. He wasn't specifically invited, but that was because it was implied that everyone was invited.

Except those that weren't.

He decided he had better things to do than staying up late out of his house, engaging in annoying small talk and pretending to have any sort of interest in anyone outside his inner circle.

"... see you there!"

He looked up when he heard Ezra's voice, and saw him walk out of the room with Myra close behind. Grace followed suit a few seconds later, and he hurried to reach her. She stopped when she heard his steps, turning around with an arched eyebrow. "Hey... I just wanted to say. I'm sorry if I came off a bit harshly back there."

"Don't sweat it" she said then, shrugging slightly. She smiled. "Like I said, I love a good challenge."

"Still. I guess you could say I'm a bit protective of this marching band. It's very important to me" Aiden sighed deeply. He considered what he was about to say, thinking maybe she would think it was silly, and decided to take the risk. "The truth is, I thought we had a connection."

"Mhm... is that a 'love' connection or something like that?"

Aiden took a step back as he felt his cheeks begin to burn once again as he looked for words to say. There it was again, that feeling of intense embarrassment and vulnerability that he loathed so much. He couldn't help but frown.

"That was not my intended meaning" he uttered after a moment, scowling as he looked away. He scoffed. "I'm far too busy with my music to concern myself with romantic frivolity."

Grace remained silent for a moment, seeminly unfazed by his clear aversion to the topic. A few seconds later she snorted, covering her mouth with her hand as she shamelessly laughed, right to his face.

"S-Sorry, I just... oh boy. I never heard anyone call it that way. Romantic frivolity" she repeated with an amused tone, shaking her head as she regained her composure. "Ah, you're something else."

"Are you done mocking me?"

"I'm not... alright, sorry. That was genuinely funny though."

"I beg to differ" he muttered, but had to look away once again. Her face was flushed and her hair was disheveled from laughing, and he wasn't about to give her appearance another chance to render him speechless again. "Anyway... I truly do hope you try out for the band. We could use you."

Grace opened her mouth, a glimpse of mischief in her chocolate eyes, but she refrained from speaking, pressing her lips together. She was containing herself from saying something that would probably embarrass him, and he was thankful for that.

"Alright, I'll think about it. See you around."

Finally, the final bell had rang and Aiden was heading toward his car to call it a day. He wasn't as tired as he could be, but couldn't wait to reach the peace and solitude that his room represented.

He was adjusting his seatbelt when his phone buzzed. It was a text.

Ezra: r u coming 2 the party or what???

He only took a few seconds to reply.

Aiden: No.

Aiden: See you tomorrow.

Ezra: awwww come on man!! u GOTTA go!

Ezra: every1 will be there

Ezra: grace said shed be there yknow

Ezra: 👀

Aiden huffed as he decided to ignore his incoming messages, which didn't stop as he drove silently, frowning to himself. However after he finally got home, briefly talked to his father and headed to his room, he couldn't help but grab his phone again.

Aiden: What makes you think I'd suddenly be interested in attending just because of her?

Silence. A minute. Two minutes. Suddenly he found himself feeling impatient. Why was everyone acting so strange? Insinuating things that obviously weren't correct? It was getting on his nerves.

Finally, a reply.

Ezra: see u there buddy

Ha! As if he was actually going to that party! It wasn't like he would take a quick shower, try to distract himself with homework and composing, only to give up and head out with a frown and a sigh of defeat.

That wasn't going to happen.

He was still in denial as he drove toward Brian's house.

And come hang out, don't you leave us behind

But, I'll be there next time, I'll be there next time.

So... that was chapter 1!

I hope you enjoyed it! Feedback is appreciated and encouraged. Thanks for reading!

#playchoices #high school story #hss #aiden zhou #aiden x mc #myra khandaar #ezra mitchell #hss mc (grace ashton) #zig writes #oh boy oh boy #i'm quite excited about this fic y'all #i have many things planned #tell me what y'all think #💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕 #long post

[joe-verwatch]

Memoirs of a Mercy Main

CHAPTER 7: RETRIBUTION

“Heroes never die... for a price.”

I'd spent the last few months playing single player games, or more accurately, figuring out how to play online multiplayer games alone. The enhanced version of Grand Theft Auto Online for PS4 had replaced Overwatch as my present addiction, and I had even gone so far as to join a crew on Reddit to ensure that I could play the game without the interference of other players. I was quickly consumed by the need to grind away at exciting crimes creatively made tedious by the developers at Rockstar. It killed time, and was far more relaxing than getting pounced on by Winstons or given countless fidget-spinner suppositories by Genji. It was also lonely.

As likable as I've been told I am by those whom have tolerated my existence the longest, I don't make friends easily. Unless approached by others I will make no effort to engage people in conversation, either in person or in fictional worlds such as San Andreas. Throughout my life my best friends have always been the ones that discovered me on accident. That hadn't happened in quite some time. Without an abundance of affordable recreational options in the vicinity of my home town it was unlikely I would be able, or willing, to venture into the real world to expose myself to opportunities for lasting friendships my best option was the internet.

I'd grown complacent in my criminal ways in Grand Theft Auto. I didn't talk to anyone because there had been nothing to necessitate the interaction beyond, “I'm sorry, Boss. I thought I was meant to fly the military cargo plane full of knock off purses and televisions,” or, “Please stop bombing me in your military aircraft. My scientists need this tank in order to research tiger stripes.” Most of the people in the friendly crew I'd registered with seemed keen on keeping largely to themselves, so I began playing Overwatch with slightly more regularity than I had, specifically to re-learn the art of communication. Since the pool of players who use voice chat in the standard Quick Play and Arcade modes can be pretty slim, I opted for the Competitive route.

Games were hit and miss as usual. When my teams lost they lost hard. When my teams won we won by the skin of our teeth in overtime. It's hard to tell how much I'm contributing at any given time considering my specialties are healing and providing barriers as tanks, so I'm rarely in the kill feed that everyone gauges their own self-worth off of. No one votes for the player with the most objective time when MVP nominees appear at the end of a match, and only occasionally does the healer get votes if their team mates are the empathetic sort who understand how much work it is to be baby-sitter-in-chief.

While I tried to measure my personal victories by how many games I enjoyed playing rather than by wins and losses, the two were not mutually exclusive. That was not to say that wins and losses impacted my enjoyment, but that my enjoyment impacted my wins and losses. As expected, the games with tired, grouchy, or arrogant team mates went poorly, and the games where people were playing for fun went well. With each match players came and went. While the competition itself was fulfilling and contained some of the best matches I'd ever had the pleasure of participating in, it was still a lot of work, and a lot of stress. Too much to risk playing further.

Both my wife and I had grandparents in and out of the hospital. The constant reminder of looming mortality lead to further developments in a long period of insomnia and depression. Death and I have always had an unhealthy relationship. Years of excessive flight or flight response triggers have rendered me critically opposed to living life to the fullest if it means bringing me even an inch closer to my inevitable demise, ironically leaving me prone to levels of despair and grief that my doctor has warned me repeatedly will cause heart problems to manifest much earlier than they aught to. The game I was playing as an outlet in order to reach out to the world to let it know that I was here, and that I was bored and lonely, was not succeeding in giving me the connection I sought. Worse still, in the back of my mind I knew that playing in my condition would lead to further problems. The only thing worse than being criticized for not bringing your A-game when you were was being criticized for not bringing your A-game when you knew damn well you were struggling to keep up a Z. I needed something to change. I needed a break.

Thankfully, one year after my official foray into the realm of Overwatch, the “Uprising” event returned. This time called “Overwatch Archives,” it contained a new story called “Retribution” in addition to the “Uprising” campaign that had lured me into the game to begin with. In it the secret shadow organization within Overwatch, questionably called Blackwatch, seeks vengeance for their fallen comrades in an international kerfuffle that eventually results in the fall of Overwatch. It features three attackers, one support, waves of AI controlled enemies, and no objectives other than kill or be killed.

It was a breath of fresh air.

For nostalgia sake I leapt into Uprising head on and felt right at home. After a year of playing, not only was I more competent, but I was also being matched up with team mates who had also been playing the game for as long as I had, if not longer. Rather than a rag-tag band of level 5 players who didn't even know what button got them out of a crouching position, we were a force to be reckoned with. Retribution was no different. Players whom had honed their skills in countless deathmatches needn't worry about the level of teamwork demanded of standard or even Uprising modes.

What was more was the fact that this was the first time I had been able to play the campaign with friends. My real life best friend, the best man from my wedding, was playing Uprising for the first time and caught on quick. My former Competitive partner also returned from retirement to participate in the cooperative event. It may have been the first time I'd played a full afternoon with him without hearing a peep of negativity. Predictable enemies who staggered when shot rather than rush us down, and attacked indiscriminately instead of focusing on one particular player, fell before us in droves. There was no stress. No angst. No grief. Just a blissful mayhem that wasn't even completely there in the Halloween “Junkenstein's Revenge” event.

When all was said and done, I had more fun playing Overwatch on April 10th, 2018 than I had in any given month playing the same game. Overwatch had been many things for me in the last year: a sport, an addiction, an outlet, a source of marital strife, a community, a place of grief, and a place of triumph. Blizzard had diligently attempted to improve the game's many flaws regarding the playerbase by introducing a report system and an “avoid as player” function. Brigitte, the latest hero added to the game, was an aggressive brawler that passively healed while doing damage. That meant aggressive players who wished to rack up kills with the new character could still fulfill her intended support functions without specifically concentrating on it.

Despite the changes, it's still Overwatch: an online competitive team-based shooter. As great as it is, as closely as the developers watch and listen to the community around it in order to improve upon it, it can never be more than that. What makes Overwatch so special, for better or worse, are the people who play it. The communities built around it. Overwatch may bring out the absolute worst and best in people, but it cannot change the people who play it. That's up to them.

The return of the Archives event proved to me that I don't need adversity or challenges to make life worth living. I have plenty of those. I can work on personal improvement every day for the rest of my life and still be right where I started since life will always find new ways to sucker punch me. What's more, I should not allow my self-worth should to be determined by others, as their experiences, views, and priorities will always be different from my own. At this point in my life all I need are people to enjoy it with. People I can support and are willing to show support in return, in game and out. To everyone else I offer a few simple words of advice that will make their gaming experience far more enjoyable:

Play Nice. Play Fair.

(… and nerf Bastion.) First - Previous

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