#i look ‘like a man’ now and love it and also am the most androgynous person most cis people i meet have ever seen

[transmascissues]

it’s so funny to me that people used to try to warn me “if you go on t it won’t make you androgynous it’ll just make you look like a man” because 1) i do want to look like a man, that is famously a major part of being a trans man but also 2) t literally has made me androgynous?? like they were wrong on both counts. i got most of the looking-like-a-man changes that i wanted (deep voice, broader body, hair all over my body including my face) and i also give every single cis person in a five mile radius a stroke every time they try to figure out my gender. the assumption that trans men wouldn’t actually want to look like men and the assumption that cis people are good at correctly gendering us once we’re on t are both weird as hell.

#people said this to me all the fucking time pre t #to the point that it did almost make me too afraid to go on t bc ‘what if they’re right and i don’t really want to look like a man?’ #but it turns out that was bullshit on so many levels #i look ‘like a man’ now and love it and also am the most androgynous person most cis people i meet have ever seen #y’all just don’t know how t works at fucking all #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia #trans men #transmascs

[copias-sewer-rat]

Against the forces of Heaven and Hell, just us.

PART 1|PART 2|

What does really mean to fall? As an angel that question wasn’t unfamiliar to you. Moreover, you have been questioning the heavenly gospel for a very long time. It all started when you met a human-loving demon and ever since then you had strayed from heaven’s path.

⸸tags: Good Omens AU, no serious tw (for now) but maybe sexual innuendos and foul language, around 4.5K words, Copia goes by he/they and the angel has no pronouns so it fits everyone who reads. Hope you enjoy this first chapter!

⸸ my masterlist ⸸

⸸ read it on Ao3 ⸸

I. ENJOY THE SILENCE

“Tis one thing to be tempted, Escalus, another thing to fall.”

William Shakespeare - Measure for Measure

----

18/8/2023

'There is something beautiful about demons. You might think it is ineffable, but I’ve had enough time to think, to know what is so special about them, let me tell you. Mainly, they get to experience all the pleasures that humans create for themselves without any sort of negative consequence. Exquisite food and refreshing beverages are those pleasures that we angels can indulge in but can never take too far. Demons can also enjoy the sin of the flesh without repercussion -not that I am interested, just curious…- Demons get all that, but we get to love and trust God, and that is more than enough. I have no doubt about God’s love, but humans portray the enjoyment of another one’s body in such a pure way it makes me a tad jealous.'

----

You put your diary down, not really sure how to continue something like that. You decide to focus on something else. The painting before you is mesmerizing. The Kiss, by Francesco Hayez, portrays the most tender embrace between a man and a woman. The image is still, but you swear that you can see the man gently caressing the face of his lover, and the woman trying to put her hands around the man’s neck. The painting was part of a temporary exhibition. It was brought from Milan to the Galeria degli Uffizi in Firenze-or Florence as English people say-. There is where you spend most of your time, contemplating your existence as an immortal and holy being.

Looking at the picture, you begin to reminisce about how your love and understanding of human art and knowledge, and as a result of humans themselves, had started in the first place. Your arrival to Earth had been long ago, exactly the day when the Great Library of Alexandria had burned down in 48 BC. The pain for all the knowledge lost was enough to make you come down from heaven, but it was too late. You had been interested in humans for a while. Curious about those creatures God had created so long ago in her image. However, your appreciation of humans was always done from the distance of your heavenly office.

The Library of Alexandria was an astonishing building, so enormous in size and in meaning. Formed by structures of white and grey stone with beautiful engravings, all of it surrounded by a luscious garden and the glorious city of Alexandria itself. It was the place the humans had erected to keep their precious knowledge for all eternity. So, when you saw the fire start, you had no choice but to come down. You had gone down to Earth without permission. The punishment would be severe but nothing compared to what you were feeling by seeing those flames. It was knowledge being destroyed without salvation, you had to do something, and maybe that thought alone made you a bit selfish. Despite that, not even a miracle could help restore so much without being too obvious.

Not everything was bad that day, however. There, between the clouds of smoke and the heat from the flames you had met your very first demon. For sure, it would have been a negative experience if it hadn’t been for him. They stood there, in the exact middle of the library, looking everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Their beauty was ethereal and androgynous, which felt a bit dangerous. Their hair, long, wavy and soft brown fell gracefully over their shoulders. Also, two locks of hair on the top of his hair were raised as if to give the impression that he had horns, bold choice. Lastly, he wore a black tunic, which was very fitting for a demon. The demonic look was completed by pointy ears and a couple of mismatched eyes, one white and one green and… freckles. They were very light but also distributed throughout the whole face and making it look like a map of the night sky. But that wasn’t all. It seemed that the demon had smeared some of the ash on his eyes, maybe as some kind of human disguise that you didn’t understand, or even to celebrate his demonic deed.

You were about to blame him for the fire until you noticed the look on his face. He seemed tired and in distress. A pain equal to yours for the loss of words, art and knowledge.

“I assume this wasn’t your doing? Judging by your expression…” The demon suddenly turned to you, a bit taken aback. He hadn’t noticed your presence until that very instant, and for sure they weren’t expecting an angel.

“N-no, i- it wasn’t. But it wasn’t a human act either.” - You did not know that demons stuttered…- He looked down and you could swear you could hear the cogs turning in his head.

“You then believe this despicable act to have been caused by another demon?” He shook his head. “Not exactly. If this had been planned or acted by my kind, I would have known.”

“Are you insinuating this was a plan from my side? Preposterous! It is impossible. God would never allow something like this to happen!” The demon chuckled bitterly at your words.

“You haven’t been down here a lot, huh, angel?” He savoured that last word as if he hadn’t said it in a long time. It was your time to shake your head. “God and her archangels like to do things like these from time to time, or even allow them to happen, just to test humans and have some fun.” You could not believe your ears. You hadn’t read anything of the sort while in heaven.

“How do I know you are not lying to me? Why put that ash around your eyes if it is not to disguise yourself?” The demon rose an eyebrow at your accusation.

“Ash? What are you-?” He touched his eyes and looked at his long-nailed fingers. “Oh… I hadn’t even noticed. It was so anguishing here during the fire… I tried to save everything I could, but some of the scrolls broke on my hands. Maybe I smeared the ash on my eyes without noticing…” He looked defeated, but still gave you a toothy smile. His fangs were big and shiny. You felt your cheeks heat a bit… weird.

“Ahem. Well, if it is any consolation… I believe you, demon. But I do NOT believe that this was heaven’s doing.” The demonic creature tilted their head.

“Stay a bit longer on Earth, angel. Then you will see.” You were surprised at their suggestion. They probably could see it too because you heard a chuckle.

“Are you trying to tempt me?” The demon fully laughed at your question.

“Clearly not, angel. Do you find Earth tempting by any chance?”

“It is not like that. But obviously Earth is where temptations and sin become a reality, you could be planning something.” You scoffed. They smiled at your words and for the first time, you could truly see that their demonic nature.

“Then we are lucky that you seem to be such a… pure and incorruptible angel…” An awkward cough escaped your lips, but your eyes could not leave the demon’s mismatched ones. You thought to yourself that he didn’t know you, that you didn’t know what you are capable of yourself, and that scared you a bit. You decided to put up the front of the perfect angel and keep the conversation going.

“I should get back, there is a lot of paperwork waiting for me… after this… But even if I did accept to stay here… I wouldn’t trust anybody who is so rude that they don’t even introduce themselves in the first place.” The nameless demon snorted at your comment, made a deep but gentle reverence and looked back at you.

“The name’s Copia. What about you, angel?” You told them your name and they hummed. “Bel nome. It suits you.”

“What was that?”

“Mm? Oh! Italian. It is a language that some humans will start speaking in a few centuries, it is my favourite one, so I am learning it in advance.” That was endearing. He was interested in human culture as you were, even more, if that was possible.

“I think I will hang out on Earth for a bit, then… I will ask for a transfer, I know an angel in the heavenly administration that owes me a favour. Maybe I can investigate what’s going on, and learn a thing or two about humans.” Copia nodded.

“Angel, you won’t regret it, I assure you. Humans are the most delectable little creatures. I would also like to know the reason for the fire. Maybe we can even work together.” Suddenly the demon Copia was right beside you, nudging at your side.

“What a crazy idea! We belong to different sides. Neither of them would allow something like that!” To your words, Copia exhaled exaggeratedly.

“You would be surprised to know how little do hell and heaven actually care about what happens here.” You turned to look at him with a brow raised.

“That I cannot believe. Heaven cares a great deal about the humans, I have read about it.” Copia crossed his arms, as if about to lecture you.

“Antagonizing hell and caring for humans are two different things, angel. Heaven and hell only want to be on top, like greedy lovers who secretly hate one another but cannot stop fucking. It is a game of power, humans are only the pawns.” You blushed at his choice of words.

“What are you saying, demon?”

“I am saying that there are beings like you and me that love humans because they are deeply interesting and complex, but that is not the norm. I would like it to be though.” Me too, you thought. You also thought about the nature of the demon right in front of you. He was so different to those you had heard about up in heaven. You were told they were arrogant and selfish creatures, but Copia didn’t seem like either of those things.

“How do you know so much? Who are you?” To your question, Copia gave you a guttural laugh.

“That is a conversation for another time I am afraid, angel. After all, we just met. I cannot give away all my secrets on our first encounter.” You felt your cheeks heat again as the demon’s eyes glistened with an emotion that you didn’t couldn’t quite place yet.

You hadn’t noticed, but during your conversation with Copia there had been black clouds forming above you, and then something started to fall. You extended your hand and grabbed what seemed to be floating flakes.

“Do you know what is this, Copia?”

“Well, humans would call it snow. Which is very cold, previously-condensed water falling to the Earth. But this isn’t it. This is ash from the fire, a reminder of my failure.”

“You did not fail… you couldn’t have known.” You were surprised by your compassionate tone. You were having compassion for a demon.

“Thank you for the kind words, but I do not deserve them. I am a demon, remember?” It was like they just read your mind.

“It is taking me a bit to actually believe that, Copia. And snow sounds beautiful, I wish I could see the real deal.” You smiled at him.

“You will someday, angel. I am sure.” There was a somber aura to his tone, as if he wasn’t entirely sure about it but wanted to believe that it would happen nonetheless.

As the flakes continued to fall, both of you were starting to get covered in ash. The feeling on your skin was not an unwelcome one, it felt soft and gentle. You touched your arm, taking all the flakes that had fallen there and making a trail on your skin. Copia looked at you with an amused look. Then, you looked at your ash-coated fingers and thought of something. You turned so Copia could not look at your face. The ash was easy to manipulate, dark and velvety, and in an instant you had copied Copia’s ‘eye makeup’. With a twirl of your feet, you showed the demon your new look and he rose his eyebrows.

“How do I look?” You said adorably cupping your face.

“With all honesty, I don’t think it is too flattering on you, angioletto.” You smiled.

“I imagined so. You looked so cool, I wanted to give it a shot.”

“Cool, huh… I guess it adds to the demonic look.”

“It is more than that, I think. It accentuates your eyes, gives them depth and character.” You stepped closer, getting on your tiptoes, trying to prove the statement to yourself. Copia rose his eyebrows again. There was also a small tint of pink on his cheeks.

“I-in any case. I think is time for me to go.”

“Oh… then wait for just a second.” Very gently you took a carcass of a scroll that was at your feet, put your hand over it and miracled it back to its original state. It was a tiny miracle, nobody would notice. “We cannot do this with the whole library sadly, but not everything is lost, Copia. There is always hope, and we will find out why this happened.” You handed him the scroll, it seemed to be a poem, but you were not sure of what. Copia gave you a puzzled look. “Have this as a memento, as a reminder to keep loving humans, no matter what.”

Copia extended his hand and grabbed the scroll. You were sure that it was an accident but his fingers brushed yours, just for a second. You felt the heat of his skin, and even for a moment, it felt intoxicating. That is when it all began for you, since then you became obsessed with the human idea of connection and all its derivatives.

Copia took the scroll and hugged it tightly.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“That is perfectly fine, Copia.”

You smiled, said your goodbyes to them and left.

----

The leader of your heavenly section was pissed, but ultimately they let you get off with only a warning. They didn’t even notice the miracle. It was then time to visit the administrative section of heaven that was in charge of assigning angels to Earth. It was a section that not many visited, most did not want to spend time there. For a second, you remembered your conversation with Copia. How he had told you that heaven and hell didn’t care at all. Maybe he was right. You reached your destination: the desk of the angel that owed you a favour.

You had helped them a while ago to get the post they currently held. The angel did not want to work much. They wanted to be in a section that did not receive many visits or paperwork. You suggested the Earth dispatch section, talked to the right people and the angel was transferred. You did not think at the time that little favour would help you in the future, but you were glad it did.

You told the angel that you wanted to be dispatched to Earth. They asked you for how long and you answered that indefinitely. They looked at you as if you were the weirdest being in existence. Maybe you were. After a lot of convincing, your wish came true.

The first day on Earth was difficult. You had been dispatched close to Alexandria and so you decided to look for any clues that would point towards the reason for the fire or even its culprit. Sadly, when you got to the destroyed remnants of the library, almost every salvageable piece of art or literature had been ransacked. You felt defeated, and it was only your first day on Earth. This is what you always wanted, a purpose linked to humans. You weren’t going to give up so easily.

It was difficult to navigate the library, or what stood of it. Pillars and debris making inaccessible some of its most important sections. After a couple of hours of investigation without any luck, you were properly ready to give up. Suddenly, something caught your eye, you don’t remember how, it was like an instinct of some sort, but then you saw a section that wasn’t there before. It was also destroyed in its majority and everything inside was burned to the ground, but there was a name on the entrance, the name of the section which you learned later, it translated to English as: ‘The Shared Archive’. You decided to give it a shot, to try and find anything of worth, and you did.

Inside a pile of ash, you found a scroll, it seemed intact enough, so you took it. You didn’t know what it said at first, but time later when you were able to translate it you were shocked by its content. The scroll said:

“Cain kills Abel - Heaven +1; Abel kills Cain - Hell +1”

----

You rise from your seat. It had been an hour since you had put your diary down. People were starting to look at you weirdly, but you don’t care. The gallery was about to close for the day so you took your leave. You had been reminiscing for far too long, and you were late. The streets of Florence were as always full of life, with locals enjoying the afternoon and tourists taking pictures and enjoying the beautiful sights that the city had to offer.

After a short walk, you reached your shop, an antiquary, full of paintings, statues, books and everything that could come to mind. The sign at the door said closed, but the door was unlocked… weird. You stepped inside, not very sure about what was going to happen and-

“You are late, angioletto…” Copia’s voice surged from the shadows, a white eye piercing through the darkness of your store and looking directly at you.

“Dear, you scared the living heaven out of me!” Copia chuckled.

“Good, you deserve it. We are late. I made the reservation for 9 pm. It is 9 pm and we are not there.” You put your hands on your knees and gave Copia a small apology bow.

“I am very sorry, dear. I lost track of the time.” You hear Copia’s steps slowly getting closer to you and then a gloved hand graces your shoulder.

“It is okie-dokie, I know you would. That is why I moved the reservation to 9.30 pm.” You rise very slowly with an annoyed look on your face.

“You scoundrel of a demon! You are incorrigible… You made me worry for nothing!” Copia laughs uncontrollably, wiping a tear that had formed in his green eye because of the laughter. You feel embarrassed and a bit angry at him, which is noticeable by the red on your ears.

“It is quite impressive that you made it here before the sunrise. Were you at the Galleria degli Uffici again?” You press your lips, feeling seen by the demon.

“Em… yes…” The words come out timidly. “There was a new exhibition, I had to see it. You know how I am…” Copia smiles fondly and his fangs shine with the light coming from the outside.

“I know, I know… once again angioletto, that is why I changed the reservation. However, if we don’t make haste my efforts would have been in vain.” You nod, leaving the diary on the entrance table and making your exit with Copia by your side.

----

The sun has set, and the lights of the streetlamps mix with that of the full moon, drenching the city of Florence in a dreamy atmosphere as if had been painted by Claude Monet himself. Thanks to the ethereal shine of the city, you can now observe Copia who walks silently right beside you. He is wearing black gloves with golden nails on the outside. A long black coat covering a black turtleneck and the crimson suit pants he always likes to wear. Very smart and expensive black Italian tailored shoes cover his feet. The look is complete as always by the accessories: a silver upside-down cross necklace adorning his chest, a metal earring on his pointy left ear with the symbol of that band he likes to help sometimes and a pair of round sunglasses hiding his mismatched gaze -you had told him a thousand times that it wasn’t necessary, that wearing sunglasses in the dark would attract more attention to him rather than the fact that he had a white eye and a green eye, he didn’t care, he likes the drama-.

His hair was still long, over his shoulders for your disappointment, but still long. He has taken some of it in a ponytail and the rest is set loose- except for the curls on the top that look like horns, those are always there-. He now also has a few white hairs which he has miracled for himself to make everyone think that time passes for us, I think he likes feeling like a silver fox. He has also been rocking the facial hair for a couple of years now, with sideburns and a pencil moustache to be exact. To top it all off, he always wears a bit of makeup, ever since he could after you had met him actually, a black upper lip and some black eyeliner and eye shadow. Some things stay the same however, you can still see the freckles that have always adorned his face. You love his freckles.

“Do I have something on my face?” Copia asks, you have been staring for too long. Bollocks.

“N-no, I was just wondering why you were wearing the sunglasses during the night again. Everyone is staring at you.” You try to excuse yourself.

“Oh, so you don’t like when everyone looks at me? Do you want me all to yourself, angel?” Your excuse bites you in the arse and now you are beet red, luckily there isn’t much light and Copia might not notice.

“On the contraire, my dear. You are too precious to keep to myself, that is why everyone is cheering your name when you help that little band of yours… They can’t get enough of you.” You frown at your own words, you just wanted to take the iron off the conversation, but you just ended up being crushed by an anvil of your own creation. Copia stayed silent at that, expression unreadable under the dark veil of the city.

Copia and you were nothing, just associates. You had been just that for centuries, always side by side. You helped humans, you enjoyed the pleasures of a human life, you spent your time right beside the other and also lived your own lives, but nothing had ever happened between the two of you. Not that it could ever happen, you are an angel and they are a demon, being together would be sacrilegious and most certainly it would make you fall. If you fell, there would be nothing left for you, all your heavenly purpose gone, just because you indulged in your carnal desires. Even if you did, maybe Copia didn’t feel the same towards you. You had heard all about his one-night stands and his participation in orgies from that insolent satanic Papal figure that Copia calls a friend. Nonetheless, there had been moments during your partnership when Copia’s behaviour had made you think that something else would be possible. Lingering touches, furtive looks and thoughtful gestures made you fall more and more. You weren’t falling, but you were falling. That scared you plenty, but it was harder trying to deal with Copia’s absence for weeks at a time helping the band which left for heart aching in pain. You decided to stop thinking about that.

----

At 9.25 pm you both enter your favourite restaurant. A very typical Italian restaurant that served Copia’s rigatoni of choice and your favourite pizza. With time it had become your spot. It wasn’t just a restaurant anymore, it was a place to meet and share information, to celebrate, to release stress by eating or just to spend time with one another. The restaurant was quite humble and very aesthetically Italian, which for you was a plus. Many of the eating spots throughout the city had become tourist traps, so you were grateful to keep the little spot intact. You had to help a couple of times with some miracles to avoid bankruptcy, but nothing too serious, just for the benefit of the family that owned the restaurant.

Carlo, the older son of the owner, has already your table prepared with your water and Copia’s wine, you sit and make your usual order. Apart from that both of you stay silent for a while, the awkwardness from your previous conversation still lingering in the air.

“I have to tell you something…” Copia finally breaks the silence.

“What is it?” You ask, taking a sip of your water.

“Do you remember when I sent you a message a couple of weeks ago when I was on the European tour?”

“Yes, you mentioned that you had found something, but you said nothing else…”

“Well, that was because I wasn’t quite sure, but now I am. I have found something.” You open your mouth slightly, not knowing what to say. “I have found a scroll, angel. One that is legible.” Your mouth opens completely and your eyebrows rise in surprise.

“Are you sure? We have been tricked before.” Copia nods.

“I know, that is why I have checked with my contacts…” You huff.

“You know I don’t like your ‘contacts’.”

“Yes, well, we have no other way of telling if it is real.” You stay silent, looking at your water.

“Have you translated it already?” You look back up to Copia’s eyes, looking for an answer and the smiles.

“Yes, and it is a very important one…”

“What-” Instead of telling you, Copia hands you a piece of paper. On it, there is a picture of a scroll with a writing in old Latin and under it a translation written in pen:

“Judas betrays Jesus +1 hell; Judas stays with Jesus +1 heaven”

----------------------

Here is the very first part of the Good Omens/Ghost AU with our dear Copia as our personal Crowley (also I am back at using song titles for the chapters). I have a lot of plans for this AU (even little side stories and drawings) so get hyped! This doesn't mean that I have abandoned other projects, I just had an ADHD moment with this fic so I had to do it. Let me know what you think as always and thank you for all the support.

#the band ghost #ghost #papa emeritus iv #cardinal copia #fanfic #thebandghost #papa iv #ghost the band #copia #papa copia #papa emeritus iv x reader #cardinal copia x reader #cardi c #good omens au

[bi-peanut]

marauders hot takes

I'm at a sleep over and everyone else is asleep but I can't sleep so here are some of my marauders hot takes

I hate jegulus. I think it's wierd and disgusting. think about it, in both cannon and fannon james and sirius say they are like bothers, now why would you go and date someone you say is your brothers younger brother. also. regulus was a KNOWN deatheater, even before he officaly became one, everyone always knew he would. and james is the last person in the world who would go out with a literal deatheater

surrogate lily for jeglus is wrong wierd and in all comes down to misogyny. lily is one of if not the most important character in the marauders, without lily there would literally be no marauders because there would literally be no harry potter series in the first place. to diminish her character down to someone is is souly providing for two men is a prime example of misogyny within the marauders fandom

I hate the slytherin skittles. since when did we decide that literal deatheaters. LITTERAL TERRORISTS, were all cute and babygirl. why are we glorifying the horrific actions of these people by saying they are "morally grey" like babe terrorism is not grey its the darkest black you can imagine.

since I'm on it, the only reason people decided that the "slytherin skittles" were important was so that they could have more mlm in the fandom because let's face it, mlm is so wildly fetishied within the fandom.

saying you love barty and evan but hating on people like bellatrix and narcisa is misogyny.

saying you love barty and evan and hating on people like peter and Snape is hypocritical.

the only reason Snape doesn't receive the same treatment as barty and evan is because he can't be romanticised.

James potter is a straight man.

James and lily are endgame and sure fine think whatever about who they dated before but they will always be endgame.

sirius black would 100% say things about women that aren't right because it was the 70s and look at where he grew up.

sirius would 100% do the prank cause that is literally one of the few peices of cannon we have and it is totally in character.

all the young dudes was an amazing realistic representation and characterisation of the marauders.

marlene, Mary, dorcas etc are 100% underrated ans deserve more attention but people also need to remember that they have little to none cannon and the fandom originally started from just the marauders so it's much harder to form fannom for them.

the new portrayal of wolfstar is in most cases unrealistic and sometimes even a little bit fucked up in dynamics

sirius is a cis man. the only reason people headcannon him as trans is because of his long hair. he is literally cannonically androgynous, why can't we just let him be androgynous.

I 100% have so many more but its 4 am rn

if you disagree with me that's fine I don't really care but don't be a dick about it. if you disagree and want to ask me questions go ahead but once again, don't be a dick about it.

#friday’s chaos #andrew's chaos #marauders era #marauders #marauders hot takes #anti jegulus #anti rosekiller #also please ignore my spelling and gramar its 4 am and im wildly dyslexic

[maximilliansblog]

Trans people! We need to give ourselves clear transition goals! /nf

Because for the past few years that I've been transitioning, I've just said that i want an androgynous look. But what does that actually look like?

See, i'm genderfluid, and i would like to have a flexible look that can change with my gender representation. I would love to just be Bram from Scooby Doo Music of the Vampire (good job if you remember that movie, much less this guy) when I'm masc. Here I'll find a picture of him.

This guy right here. There were like no pictures of him online lol. But this would be a very unrealistic transition goal for several reasons. One: He is like 6 feet tall and I am 5'3". Two: He is skinnier/more well-toned than me. Three: He has this very gothy vampirey look (If you want to know more, he was basically in some kind of acting troupe that did vampire stuff but then he wanted to become an actual vampire so he became a bad guy and kidnapped Daphne as a sacrifice. It didn't work. Sorry for the infodump I literally pretended to be this character so much when I was a kid lol) that I would not be putting on every day, and even if I did, that would not look normal!

So what would be a reasonable transition goal? We should have a clear picture of what we want. There's tons of pictures of people on the internet, so we'll find one. But you have to consider a few things.

1.) Your height (You can only change this by an inch or two with those things you put in your shoes).

2.) Your weight (You can change this, but it takes a lot of hard work. I would recommend making your transition goal just how you are currently, but if your outwards expression matched your internal gender).

3.) Your face shape

4.) Your hair type (I really wanted to be one of those "fluffy haired" boys/enbies from Pinterest, but my hair falls flat on my head and has no texture! I tried to get that hair for over a year, but in the end, I couldn't change my hair type!)

5.) Your skintone

6.) Your muscle tone (You can also change this but like I said with the weight, you want to make your transition goal as achieveable as possible! You can always tone up once you reach that goal).

7.) Your personal clothing style

8.) Oh yeah most importantly, will your outward appearance be masculine, feminine, or androgynous (this can be genderless or a mix of feminine and masculine traits)? It is perfectly okay if you want to go for a look that is not traditional! Like if you're a trans man who wants to dress more feminine or something. That's totally fine!

All of these things must be considered when you find your references. I'm calling these pictures "references", like what artists use to make their art piece.

So for my references, I have to consider that I am 5'3", overweight but not quite plus-sized, I have a round face shape, a very fine and flat hair type, a cool-toned pale skintone, no muscle tone, a casual clothing style, and I want a masculine-leaning androgynous appearance. It would be very hard to find a reference with every single one of these traits! So collect multiple! Find one for your haircut that you're going to get, one for the clothes you will wear, etc. You can also edit images to look more like you, by darkening the skin tone (I don't recommend doing the opposite ^^) or slightly changing the face shape. It is also good to find pictures of fellow trans people with your traits as inspiration.

Here are the images that I found:

I narrowed it down to hair, body type, and fashion, but you can have as many references as you want!

Now of course, you won't look exactly like your references! In the end, you are you! Every person is unique. But hopefully, having a clear transition goal will help you in your journey :)

Have a lovely day you lovely person!

#trans #trans tips #transmasc #transfem #transgender #trans man #trans guy #trans masc #trans fem #trans woman #transgirl #trans pride #transition goals #maximilliansblogstuff

[the-s1lly-corner]

gender dysphoria comfort for afab reader x spot?? :p

Spot comforting an AFAB/trans reader

Rubs my autistic little hands (in a cool nonbinary way)

Not gonna specify if reader is a trans man/nonbinary or somewhere in between/else where so!!!

Heavy projection on my end because my dysphoria is kinda. Raging

But also idk how to comfort myself so this is gonna translate into spot bouncing around

It shows so bad that I!! Am bad at outright comfort <\3

Happy pride by the by! Not sure if I said that over here yet

YEEEAAAAAH 4am posting REAL

Right off the bat I wanna make it clear that this man would snag some stuff for you

Of course he does this in general, but hes more than willing to get you things that may help you express yourself

Clothes, are a big one! Need a new wardrobe? Hes already on it! Same applies to other things you may need

On the fence on if he would snag some hormones for you; since he doesnt wanna risk taking them from someone else

Actually ykw

Bros a scientist

Be can probably make his own solutions

Anyways onto the actual

Ask

Admittedly Spot is not the best at comforting others, so his go to is self projection; if that makes sense

Applies what he knows cheers him up to you?? Like venting and physical affection can help him get through rough patches, so he'll try to urge you to vent during a cuddle session

Reinforces that you look handsome; though hes down with calling you anything if that isnt your cup of tea

Hes a scientist, he does research! Listens to every word you say and sucks up any information regarding the topic he can find

Offers some tips on passing, if that's what you need

OOOOOH BRAIN BLAST

You guys have self care days together as is, but you guys tend to have them on days things get rough

Basic.. self care things. Low stress activities, you both go shopping (stealing) (hes wearing s shitty disguise), things like that

He toooootally doesnt target anyone who purposefully gets your pronouns or name wrong! What? What do you mean that rude person lost everything out of no where, y/n? He doesn't know what you're talking about, he doesn't know anything about anyone

Easily your biggest fan and supporter, your personal hypeman

Generally he let's you know that he loves you, and that regardless of how you present youre amazing and valid. He may not know the best way to comfort you all the time, but he's trying his best to hear you out and advocate for you! While he may not be the most... ferocious.. man out there, but he's quite vocal to anyone who dares try to tell you otherwise! Whether you present more feminine, masculine, or androgynous; he'll be right at your side

Also now that I think about it, if he got his hands on the material he'd definitely try to make a way to literally. Just change your sex right there to align with how you feel

If the dude can make a mini collider on his own he can probably make the transgenderinator

#atsv #atsv spot #spot x reader #the spot #the spot x reader #jonathan ohnn #jonathan ohnn x reader

[rabdoidal]

tag game! 🎧🎶 tagged by @theocannibalism shuffle your music library and share the first 10 songs that come up.

Thanks bud! Shuffling my liked instead of my playlists for fairness ✌️

Waiting For The Weekend by San Cisco: a decent song! I liked it more in uni but it's certainly still musically pretty - it's a little trite to write a love song about drugs being personified, but San Cisco can make anything a sexy indie jam (7/10) Favourite line: And when she's standing right next to me / She's never quite as close as I'd like her to be

Your Dog by Soccer Mommy: a STELLAR song by a band truly so close to my heart - my fav combination in music is a clean voice and dirty bass. also this song also has a fucked up relationship dynamic and its. very Izzy Hands to me sorry (10/10) Favourite line: Forehead kisses break my knees / And leave me crawling back to you

Pulaski at Night by Andrew Bird: another top tier banger but also (shout out to artificial ghost radio listeners) this is my NBC hannigram song its so. like the classical instruments and delusional sweetness makes it feel like a candlelit waltz in a blood splattered suit (10/10) Favourite line: I write you a story / But it loses its thread / And all of my witnesses / Keep turning up, turning up dead

Paint It, Black by The Rolling Stones: truly wild that this is in my likes because its a great song but its like. I don't think I've ever intentionally listened to the rolling stones apart from this? anyway bangers only I always love how dramatic and goth it is (8/10) Favourite line: No more will my green sea / Go turn a deeper blue

Androgynous by The Replacements: this song honestly makes me tear up sometimes, even tho its purely joyful, because it makes me think about how its a song from the 80s that has more kindness and love for genderqueer people than most people do 40 years later. It makes me love being t4t (9/10) Favourite line: Now, something meets boy, and something meets girl / They both look the same / They're overjoyed in this world

Cinnamon Spider by Jack Off Jill: nothing wrong with an alt/goth song about revenge and guilt with weird voice modulated screaming and creepy whispering (7/10) Favourite line: Consumed by hate and guilt, she'll never retire / Too old to fix, too dead to ever acquire

Human Fly by The Cramps: I've been listening to a lot of rockabilly/oldhead goth rock recently and I'm loving the cramps! I've only really heard the big hits until recently, but Human Fly is definitely my stand-out favourite, I love songs that are kinda nasty and maggoty or more conceptual or goofy! It makes it stand out to me (10/10) Favourite line: And baby I won't care / 'Cuz baby I don't scare / 'Cuz I'm a reborn maggot using germ warfare

The Price Is Right Theme Song by Antarctigo Vespucci: I'm a little over listening to indie emo at the moment so I do frequently skip this when it comes on shuffle, but the lyricism is honestly heartbreaking (5/10) Favourite line: Oh my lord, I wish that I didn't know they'll still make TV shows long after I go.

Big Bird by AJJ: I have thoughts feelings comments and critiques of AJJ, but I can't deny that if you want to be in a dangerously bad mood it hits. it completely hits. and I think its interesting that they make songs about taboo intrusive thoughts and criticisms they have of the world, even if i dont always love the song they make in the end (6/10) Favourite line: So I bought a knife / I am a knife / I am a Knife Man

Arty Boy by Flight Facilities ft. Emma Louise: a real vibey party song about being inexplicably into the guy taking photos and smoking at the function instead of dancing - to me it reads as a little comphet, or a little bit bisexual, because the way Emma Louise is singing about the ladies is a lil sus (7/10) Favourite line: And all the girls must be models here, sipping up on margaritas / Twist their bodies so beautiful, making shapes with the music

idk who to tag but if you want an excuse to do this, go with my blessing and pretend I tagged you

#personal #tag meme #music rec #long post

[positivelybeastly]

Would you consider beast being a closet bisexual @

"I'm an open heterosexual, thank you very much, and I would recommend that in future, you keep such speculation to yourself."

"Ehehehey, well, wow, that's quite the question, not often I get accused of being a closet anything, but, ah, pretty firmly straight over here, friend."

"Despite what you may have heard from the press or a certain ex-girlfriend of mine, I am quite firmly in the heterosexual camp."

"I think someone needs to have gone on a date sometime in the last year to be qualified to be anything sexual, no?"

"Asexual aromantic. And if you ask again, I shall be displeased."

"Do you have a pulse? Are you happy with scalpels in the bedroom? Actually, your answer to that second question doesn't particularly matter, we'll get you warmed up in no time at all."

All right, so this is one of those moments where I have to pull back the curtain a little bit and talk about how I play a character who is canonically heterosexual, but whom I read to be bisexual because it's truer to the character as I find them.

Now, you know, I actually misremembered how this conversation went? I remembered Emma saying that Hank had never had so much as a gay thought, but that's not what she says here. She say that Hank has never had any kind of physical relationship with another man, and . . . you know what, I kind of believe that to be true.

Because as much as I fucking love THIS moment, it's not a relationship.

We can all agree that a kiss is not a relationship.

However.

. . . Guys, Hank is, like . . . really queer.

This post sums it up nicely, but yeah, Hank acts in a very over the top, dandified manner, over speaking and over-exaggerating everything about himself so that you won't pay attention to the blatantly obvious. He performs masculinity in a way that reads as overcompensating because he feels like he's been othered by his mutation.

There's also panels like this.

"Flirt with everything this side of Boy George."

Boy George being the androgynous gay icon of the 1980s, yes?

And this is coming from Hank's girlfriend, who he has admitted in dialogue to only really being with because she feels stable and safe and familiar, a tether to his old life in a time when he feels without a direction in life?

Like, this isn't me putting words into Hank's mouth, this is HIS dialogue during a time when he was arguably his most heterosexual! Yeah, you could just read it as him having a wandering eye, because he's a very flirtatious fellow, but that really isn't how it reads, is it? It reads as, I need reassurance I'm doing adult, normal things while my life goes weird, abnormal places.

It reads as, I think I'm kinda fucking queer but I'm too afraid to admit it.

Because lemme be real with you, this is Hank at his most heterosexual, but there's. Some. Stuff. Going on here.

"I was GOING to go out on a date with you, really pretty girlfriend, but then my MALE friend turned up and I just got so excited that I went out with my MALE friend and am basically hanging on his every word and eager to impress him, while the straight people at the table (Isaac and Dolly) are on an actual date, and Overmind sounded concerned about three wheeling a date when they asked to come with?"

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a gay man, and I have never been in just a towel around my best friend while he scrubbed another man's back, because that's just a little gay.

Hey, did you know Bobby's gay?

I don't bring that up for any real reason, just, you know.

And then there's Simon.

Oh boy is there Simon.

From Earth-763, but.

Like.

Come on, man.

When Logan and Hercules did this shit, people were celebrating in the streets because it confirmed bisexual Wolverine, but when Hank and Simon do it, no-one gives a fuck.

But that's an alternate universe. All they've done in 616 is kiss (GAY), so maybe it's just, you know, horsing around.

Right?

Hank, you don't look happy to be put down.

Hank never smiles like this on the X-Men. I'm not exaggerating. I've read X-Men comics for nearly 20 years, and Hank does not smile around other people like he does around Simon Williams. He looks fulfilled. He looks free. He looks delighted, constantly.

Are you two gonna fucking hold hands, like, WHAT?

And you know what, let's talk about the X-Men.

Scott, for someone who said very firmly that Hank wasn't gay before, you don't even throw that in there first?

Is it because of what comes next?

I'm - sorry? What in the FUCK are you trying to say to me?

And let's, for a moment, turn to Dark Beast. Because he has some words on the matter.

You know what, yeah, Dark Beast does seem like the idea to suck, fuck, thrust and kill his way through a Tuesday night, honestly.

And look, I know that alternate universes are shaky ground to be drawing conclusions from, but, like . . . this is. Getting to be rather a lot of very suggestive dialogue.

Look, I get that there's not quite the same amount of outright coding that Bobby had before he was forced out of the closet (Cloud, Emma Frost's prodding at his mind, all the stuff stacking up across Lobdell and Austen and Liu), but it's still . . . questionable. Isn't it? Like, at this point, I have to question why we think Hank has to be straight. Which is why I don't think he is.

So, now we get to the point of the evening where I pull at the curtain, because how Hank talks about himself in my threads works according to a certain kind of logic - canonically, as of right now, 21st of January 2024, he's officially straight, so any references to canon events will be as if he's 'straight' but actually just closeted bisexual. Because I care about continuity and keeping my facts straight and drawing as closely from the comics as possible - within reason - but my interpretation still takes precedence.

And my interpretation is that Hank, at any point in his life, is a bisexual man who feels afraid to admit it. But here's the question you're going to ask - WHY is he afraid to admit it?

You could go with an answer that draws on canon, and point out that when he tested the waters with coming out as gay, Scott and Emma both basically verbally smacked him and said he wasn't.

But that's not my style. I don't personally read it that way.

In my mind, Hank considers coming out to be That One Last Step Past Normal that goes too far. Like, it's one thing if he's a blue furred, canonically kinky, canonically weird, basically canonically bipolar, canonically psychologically damaged beast, but if he's a blue furred kinky weird bipolar psychologically damaged bisexual beast, that's the point where people will turn on him and be disgusted.

I could see him drawing that invisible line and deciding, I have to keep this one aspect of me to myself because I can't trust people to accept that from me. I think Hank has conditioned himself to believe that being accepted is something he has to earn over and over again, in part because of how Xavier schooled the X-Men's train of thought on that, but also because, unlike Nightcrawler, he knows what it's like to go from passing to not passing, and experiencing that scarred him in a way?

Like, one of the last bits of good Hank content we got before Krakoa was that Christmas special where he's back at his parents' for the holiday, and he can hear them talking from downstairs, and they're their usual lovely sweet selves, but they mention wanting grandkids, and . . . for someone whose bedrock, whose psychological wellbeing, is so incredibly dependent on other people, especially his parents and friends, I could see him being terrified of threatening that, even if it means he has to hide a part of who he is (perhaps unnecessarily).

There may be a degree of that where I'm projecting, because I had to deal with my dad being very heteronormative for a while after I realised I was gay, and even though I was certain he wouldn't reject me because of it, it felt easier to just not challenge that and let it slide because What If, you know?

But I feel like it makes sense for how Hank is, with his very tenuous relationship with feeling accepted, and I feel like this also accounts for why Emma 'saw' that he was straight in New X-Men, because he's wound himself into a psychological knot to the point where he reads as straight telepathically, even though he doesn't act like it and isn't.

If there weren't hints, I'd be inclined to be like, okay, maybe I'm just reading it this way because I see myself in Hank and him being a bit more like me makes me happy, but then there are GENUINE hints. The Exiles relationship, the fact that everyone basically treats Hank as Simon's emotional support, EVEN HIS GIRLFRIEND, and then the DeMatteis comment from Vera about how he flirts with everything this side of Boy George.

This isn't looking at pre-Krakoa Logan and Scott and thinking, yeah, they have tension, they want to fuck, this is looking at this guy who is extremely sex positive, flirtatious, open minded, and hearing from his girlfriend that he doesn't confine himself just to the purely feminine.

And it's also, like . . . like, I've talked about this with my boyfriend, and people love to throw out the YOU'LL JUST SHIP ANYTHING accusation, and maybe that's kinda true for some people, but I find I don't do that. Like, there are people out there who ship Hank with Cyclops, and I'm like . . . sure, fine. I don't personally see it, but you go for it, my dude.

If I genuinely did just want Hank to be an action figure that I smash with other action figures in a gay way, I feel like I'd have a stronger reaction, but instead, I look at the way he is with Bobby, and with Simon, and even, to a degree, with Logan (pre Krakoa, obvs), and I'm like . . . this is not the way a straight man acts. This reads as a bisexual man who doesn't feel like he can be 100% himself because he feels as though he's already asking a lot of people to accept him as he presents himself to be.

Hank's entire character from, like, moment one makes so much sense when you understand that he's basically always playing someone else. Sometimes it's who he wants to be, sometimes it's who he thinks other people need him to be, a lot of the time it's who people want him to be - like, I was reading the 2004 Nightcrawler solo the other day, and Kurt is internally narrating about how everyone on the X-Men is just an emotional basket case EXCEPT Hank, and I'm like . . . THIS.

THIS RIGHT HERE, is what the problem is! No-one on the X-Men is capable of seeing that Hank is constantly performing, and just how exhausting it is. That's why Simon is such a breath of fresh air, because Simon doesn't need him to perform, he just needs Hank to be . . . fuck, man, he just needs Hank to be happy, because that makes him happy, and the sheer lack of self-interest inherent in that dynamic is such a GIANT part of why I think Hank finds Simon so attractive. Like, imo, Scott's so insistent that Hank isn't gay during the New X-Men arc because of all of this, because he fell for the act, because he thinks this is just another joke that Hank is gonna duck behind.

Scott is SO INSISTENT that Hank isn't gay, and it's like, bro . . . Scoot . . . how do you know? You barely know what you want on a good day, and you think that just 'cause you and Hank hung around in the OG X-Men locker rooms for three years that you know him better than anyone else? He was on the Avengers and the Defenders and he has so many friends that you just DON'T KNOW ABOUT. How. Do. U. Kno. Scoot. Like, in universe, if Hank was working his way up to maybe coming out, and using the excuse of a joke to do it, THAT kind of reaction, and Emma TELLING him that he isn't gay, would push me RIGHT back in the closet.

If there wasn't coding, if there wasn't a genuine basis to this, it wouldn't have come up in Exiles, honestly. Like . . . okay, so multiversal stories are an excuse to do off the wall shit, right, and especially make characters gay just to push and prod and see what actually changes, right, like Governor Logan and Hercules, but they can also reveal a good amount of truth about a character out of what DOESN'T change.

And on a meta level, like, SOMETHING made Jeff Parker think Hank and Simon worked. He didn't pick Hank and Bobby, he didn't pick Hank and Hercules, he didn't pick Hank and Warren - Hank has NO shortage of male friendships you could pick from, but he picked Simon, and it's because there's enough there that even if you don't buy it for 616, it makes sense for a multiversal thing. Which means there's SOMETHING THERE.

And Ben Percy, cursed be his name, only added to that with X-Force. The idea that Simon is somehow going to be the catalyst for whatever awakening of classic, GOOD Hank is going to happen is just so . . . like, he still clearly cares for Abigail? They were on panel doing the eye socket thing? But, and this is partly because of who Abigail is, the narrative did not change because of her presence. But it does when Simon's around.

Yeah, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, but sometimes a cigar is something to unpack. Like, I really Do Not Know how Hank became 'the straightest X-Man,' because A) have you fucking read Avengers and Defenders, and B) even discounting ALL of that . . . do you not find Hank's way of acting to be a little . . . you know . . . effete? Like, yeah, it's an act, he's playing the dandy, he's offsetting his appearance, but there are other things you can do to offset the Beast.

So why does he always go back to the brightly coloured suits, the loud fashion, the high energy, the camp, the billion dollar words - to put it bluntly, why does he always seem to act just a lil' fruity?

So, yes, in my mind, he's a closeted bisexual man, and that's how I play him. Thank you for coming to my lecture.

#vinial453 #outofmuffins #verse: all-new #verse: earth's mightiest! #verse: getting by #verse: each of us is a nest of lies #verse: another time and another place

[gerrydelano]

i need to catch up on your fics but i am chin hands about trans fem gerry. i remember you talking about it before but id love to hear any new or updated thoughts :0

some of it would be spoilers for the PBR epilogue so i'm going to keep that to myself until then, but! ultimately i just was thinking about the fact that he uses she/her pronouns and enters Girl Mode in his happiest moments, his most intimate and vulnerable moments with people he trusts to love him, and what that says about his actual state of being outside of those moments. it means he's not fully happy or comfortable, there's something holding him back, which i've gathered is a fairly common feeling.

he's still got an attachment to being A Son specifically it's just rooted in his being but look me in the eyes and tell me that ever made him feel safe in his own body or head or surroundings. y'know? there's spoiler territory there with that part of the discussion though so heehee.

(not that long i just don't want everything stretching the dash where i might not be able to edit it later)

i do think she's always going to identify himself as a fag though which is also pretty common because things are more complicated than they are binary and he's always a color wheel understander. his gender is faglady but realistically her gender is also just nothing you could comprehend if you're not open to contradiction. you can't expect him to fit into neat little boxes, she just won't do it, it's not anybody else's business but his.

so. transfem gay man is probably still where he's at in general at this point in time in my writing but as time has gone on his egg has increasingly cracked lol it's just a matter of like... what's going on in his life, who she's with, how safe he feels being herself. as of right now, she saves herself for tim and tim is nothing but reverent about it and i could go ON about how her sex life goes hand in hand with her gender but i don't want to flood the dash with BDSM discussion LOL even though i have thoughts for MILES about it. i talked a bit about it in the link above iirc. it's incredibly soft and meaningful and also, crucially, sexy. but mostly it just makes her feel so incredibly safe and desired and respected and these are all things that were previously missing from her life in such a huge way, like.

look at his life. look at the life he's lived and tell me he's ever been fully happy playing the role he was put in. the expectations his mother had of him, that gertrude had of him, the way he was expected to obey and sacrifice and even hurt people at times because that's just how the world works, right.

well, he's never wanted to participate in that way of living! and he only did it as a survival mechanism because where else could he go but always come back home to mary and her dreams for him which were always just an extension of herself, he was nothing to her but an extension of herself and her wants and her beliefs and he was anything but that, even when he tried to blend in. half the time he measures his life from injury to injury. his whole life felt like nothing but punishment and for a long time he wouldn't even know what for.

it can be such a transgender narrative if you look at it. the repression that he'd have had to deal with is insane even if you look at how loud and proud he is about his sense of style (which is extremely queer in and of itself.)

and i also just do not buy transmasc gerry i'm so sorry you can absolutely have that HC if you want and i will not attack you for it but look at him. listen to him. and also remember that eric, who died when gerry was 2 years old, referred to him as his son. sorry but that to me says he's amab because He Was Un Bebe. also in what WORLD would mary be a supportive parent to a trans kid. she literally insists on calling him by his full birth name that he DOESN'T LIKE BEING CALLED; classic trans thing! he canonly has a PREFERRED name. a preferred androgynous name!

it just makes more sense to me that he's transfem. i don't believe he has a desire to be all that traditionally masculine. he literally is so gnc in canon and his whole life just reads to me as "person who did not get the chance to fully embrace themselves because everything was just too damn hard." i also enjoy depicting people transitioning later in life, because it's never too late! it's NEVER too late to embrace who you are and work out who you've wanted to be for a long time.

i think he still lives in ambiguity and grey areas and blindspots. it may not have even occurred to him that she wanted to transition until later in life anyway because life never slowed the fuck down for him enough to let himself ask the questions! but he knew he wanted his hair long. he paints his nails. he wears eyeliner and dangly jewelry and alt clothes and yeah, cis people can do that, but it's also a way to flag! a very strong way of flagging! these are all the things that felt right to him in canon and no one stays that alt into their thirties without a little bit of gender going on somewhere in the mix, be serious, y'know? g-d. i'm so invested forever in gerry's gender jfhbnkjn.

he doesn't like labels, he really doesn't. and she might not ever call herself a woman as much as a lady in particular but she likes the phrases "good girl" and "princess" in bed, she likes being seen as feminine in comparison to a partner, she has feminine preferences. she would probably use more reclaimed slurs to refer to herself than i'm comfortable just tossing around but like, a lot of people prefer those as identifiers than "man" or "woman" like i refer to myself as a fag dyke all the time and it's more affirming to me than trying to decide if i'm a trans guy or if i'm a butch dyke At All Times. gender can be complicated! i think it IS complicated for gerry at the moment with his baggage but i imagine if he were ever able to really let go of that baggage, she'd be a very different, happier person. i think she would like it to be simpler sometimes. she treats it simply even if other people might not be able to. she's really calm about all of it, and even as it changes, it just makes her confidence grow. really comes down to the people she's surrounded by and the opportunities that she manages to grab a hold of in terms of finally letting herself just be. and i just think the results of it are really gorgeous.

anyway transfem gerry truther forever

#asks #wytchcore #f slur #ronologues #more like just an infodump but yeah

[dogpixie]

androgynous ghost in the machine i can be a boy or a girl whenever i want to be. im always both but also most often living as just 1 or the other, a woman who could at another point be a man or a man who could at another point be a woman. ig thats maybe being gender fluid? i think this was hard for me to understand abt myself until i lived as a person the world saw as male for a while bc for me personally i usually feel like my gender expression IS my gender bc i dont really believe in gendered actions sooo it all comes down to how im seen? for the most part its like...strangers see me as a woman and so: right now i am living as a woman. im moving through space as a woman. obviously theres nuance esp when looking androgynous and of course i think EVERY person has both parts man and woman just at different levels becuz thats being human. um anyway i love that my closest loved 1s understand its fluid for me but im not so concerned with what others think bc its basically up to them to decide and thats also convenient bc then i dont get so hurt being misgendered. bc u cant exactly misgender me. im a stable double sided identity on the inside and usually a single but plastic projection outside.

#blah blah blah #i love that mike calls me his husbandwife lol #also of course this isnt a dig at any1 who looks binary but ids as a different gender like idc i respect whatever u feel

[biribaa]

This Diary Is Not Yours

(Yandere!Doc x reader)

TW// Yandere behavior, manipulation, cussing in the narrative, death, rlly small mentions of vomit, small amount of blood

9/04/XXXX

It's been a week since the friend of our feline hero sacrificed itself to open the blast doors over our city. Finally without Zurks and Sentinels to worry about, everyone is free to go wherever they want now. Not everyone wanted to leave the city, of course, for example, Momo was not yet ready to face the torment he faced the last time he went to the surface. But ignoring that, many were excited to visit the outside world, just as I was.

Everything was so green and healthy, no sign of human life and no sign of our cat friend. I've always been interested in technology, but I always thought vegetation would be interesting too.

So with that idea in mind, I stole earth and started making a sketch of what my plantation would look like close to home, who knows I might find another cat, so I can feed it with those vegetables!

9/09/XXXX

In beautiful 5 days, I managed to make a simple planting, managed to get water and find some lost seeds in abandoned places and started to plant.

Some funny thoughts popped into my head, am I a parent for plants too now? I feed, care for and love these plants, are they my children?

A horrible thought crossed my mind! If they were my children, I would have to feed them to animals and watch them being brutally devoured! I better not have strong feeling for these plants...

9/21/XXXX

A human! A human!

Many rumors have surfaced that a human is walking around Walled City 99! I can only imagine how confused this human is, surrounded by robots that don't speak the same language as them, poor human.

I mentioned this to my friends, so far none of them have seen anything but rumours. I also asked several people and only a small number of people(3 people as I recall) saw this human. According to them, the human had (H/L) (H/C) hair, their skin was (S/C), and was apparently (woman/man/androgynous).

I have a strange unexpected urge to try to look for this human, maybe I'll teach them our language and let them live in my house, and as a gift, I can feed them my vegetables

I told Seamus to check my vegetables daily and water them, after that I will be away for a long time, after all it shouldn't be that difficult, just walk and ask.

And of course, I'm taking my diary to write down my adventure

9/22/XXXX

I found the human!

I expected a longer adventure than just one day, but what matters now is that I found them. The human is called Y/N, and all the tips people gave me fit them perfectly.

They were clearly exhausted and confused with everything, they are so lost...

I noticed how scared they were, so the first thing I did was teach them the basics of my language. It took a few minutes but now they knows the basics like "Yes" "No" "She" "He" "They" "Me" and etc. Most of the time Y/N makes hand gestures, but they try to speak

At this very moment as I'm writing and walking, Y/N is firmly by my side and doesn't abandon me at all, I don't blame the human, I'm the only robot that actually tried to help them.

I hope Y/N lasts a long time...

9/28/XXXX

Everything is going great! I found some warm clothes for Y/N and a blanket for them. I'm so glad they liked the clothes I found.

Theres more, Y/N has been learning more and more words of my language, I'm glad to know that, I hope that in a few months Y/N will be able to speak for at least be able to socialize with others

I already introduced Y/N to my son Seamus and some of my friends like Clementine and Momo, unfortunately I couldn't bring them to Zbaltazar, I really wanted to see his reaction to a human, but i told him about Y/N, he said they seems like a really nice person. While for Clementine and Momo, they got along really well, especially with Momo, Y/N and Momo talk to each other a lot now.

What I fear the most is the fact that my vegetables aren't getting ready... I need to find a way to not let Y/N starve to death.

10/03/XXXX

Everything is going perfect! The vegetables have grown, Y/N is learning more and more of my language and is finally getting used to everything.

I feel that everything will work out in the future if I continue on this path.

2/10/XXXX

...

I fear I have to admit that I feel certain feelings for Y/N

Specifically romantic

I know this isn't the first time that a robot and a human have been in a romantic relationship, but even so, I feel a fear every time I think about the moment I have to confess to Y/N

It's been so

So long, since I saw a human like Y/N, someone extraordinary and admirable

[Scribbles and scribbles in the diary]

Words

Words can't describe how much I love Y/N, how amazing they are, I feel so much joy in helping them with food and a place to sleep. Maybe I like the feeling of someone depending on me? No... These are selfish thoughts, all I feel for Y/N is 100% love

I can't wait for the day where I'll finally be together with Y/N ​

Doing all of Y/N's hobbies together, trying Y/N's favorite foods, talking about Y/N's favorite topics, I've had a lot of time for myself, it's time for Y/N to have all my attetion. I would honestly do anything to make Y/N feel loved by me, caress Y/N's smooth skin, run my fingers through their hair, kiss their warm lips with my screen and whisper anything that makes them happy. Anything, anything to make them feel loved.

2/25/XXXX

I don't like how well Momo and Y/N get along, how they get along better than me and Y/N. And Momo knows how much I love and adore Y/N, and still, he does this to me

So I decided to return the favor he did for me for free

As I'm the person Y/N trusts the most since they set their foot in this city, I told them how "fake" and "manipulative" Momo really was, I hated lying to Y/N, but it will all be worth it

Momo clearly noticed Y/N stopping talking to him out of the blue, and when he found out about everything, i got shocked at how angry and aggressive Momo got with all of this, he even went so far as to push me. But all that would just be another lie I'll tell Y/N how "awful" Momo is

I lost a dear friend, but who cares? We're talking about Y/N here, so for them, I'd do anything

4/15/XXXX

They accepted

They accepted my feelings, after months of secretly admiring Y/N, leaving them only as my darkest desire for so many times, they finally accepted.

Y/N's lips are amazing, sometimes they're cold, and sometimes they're warm, other times moist and other times dry, it was wonderful. But the main thing, they touched me. They touched my waist, my shoulders, hands and neck. I never felt so well embraced by such delicate heat

I could write for hours and hours how good it was to feel Y/N's heat

6/12/XXXX

I believe Momo told my son all my situation with him, because Seamus is not talking to me much and seems uncomfortable with everything. But he seems to be ok with my love, at first it was weird for him to consider Y/N as a new parental figure, but over time he accepted it easily

But as long as I always wake up to see Y/N's delicate and beautiful face next to me, everything is more than perfect.

7/04/XXXX

GREAT, now Zbaltazar knows everything! Momo or Seamus, or maybe the two of them told him, I really need to do something about this before the three of them contain it for everyone until it gets to the Guardian.

The lie and manipulate plan isn't working anymore, I need to take this to a much higher point, I need to make a plan to eliminate them

7/05/XXXX

Elimination plan(Momo):

I'll have to be more than patient to eliminate Momo

I'll have to wait for Seamus and Y/N to leave the house for both of them to make sure I'm home, then I'll have to go to Momo's house hidden, I have to take a weapon, preferably, something too heavy for me to hit Momo on the head and already be dead, and then, coming home. Sounds simple, but is definitely going to be stressful.

8/07/XXXX

It was a success, I'm shaking I actually did it, but it was a success, Momo is dead, i killed him, if the Guardian starts doubting me I will definitely burn this diary and find another one.

I've decided that I have to wait a month to do another elimination for everyone to calm down and not get up too alert.

I want to save Seamus for last... He's my son, I'll have a little more hesitation with him

Elimination plan(Zbaltazar):

It'll be quick, I need to find a time where he's not meditating, and where he's alone too, that's all he needs to do, what I need to do is make sure no one saw me leaving, pick up a heavy stone, and find Zbaltazar. Zbaltazar has never been into a fight, he's not that agile, so if he tries to counterattack, it'll be a light punch like a feather

9/08/XXXX

Again, it was a success, several people at Antvillage were devastated by the great loss, and since I am a "friend" of Zbaltazar, I pretended to be too, and Y/N comforted me with hugs and kisses... I should pretend bad things happened to me more, I love to cuddle with them after all

Now it's Seamus' time, this is the death I'm being most hesitant to commit, but it's for a greater good he would never understand

Elimination plan(Seamus):

I will wait for Y/N to leave the house and go somewhere far away, they have a lot of friends, at one time or another they will go out to visit them. And in the meantime, I'll get a heavy object, it won't be the same rock, it has to be something else, and I'll use the gun on Seamus when he least expects it, I'll have to take the body to somewhere far away, some cave or something. And when Y/N will I say that Seamus left and that I don't know anything

Phew, I can't wait to pretend I'm devastated by his death and Y/N comfort me, like the perfect person they always was, and always will be

–––

You closed the diary in your hands, your heart felt like it was frozen, and at the same time, racing. Your skin was pale and your eyes shocked.

What. The. Fuck

The person you trusted all this time did all this?! Manipulated you dozens and dozens of times just to be with you?! And... And.... Momo and Zbaltazar... Even his own son! You have to stop this, you have to report to the Guardian, this is crazy, Doc must be sick! All this time you loved a crazy companion, this whole situation made you want to vomit.

You looked around you, paranoid about the place you are, to think that you ever felt comfortable in this place made you sick, to think that this place with those lights and this mattress on the floor was the place of your first kiss with Doc, that was the place you felt most safe. You left the mini room with the diary in hand and faced the hallways filled with shelves with an abundance of books. You quickened your pace to the nearest door with your heart almost out of your mouth, you put your hand on the doorknob and–

The door opened, and it wasn't you who opened it. And there he was, him

Instinctively, you tucked the journal behind your back, but the rest of your body felt paralyzed apart from your hands, which were shaking like an earthquake, and your lung, it seemed to be being clenched by fists.

"There you are, dear!" Doc exclaimed with a bag dangling from one of his arms. "Guess what I just harvested. I have a tip, it's one of your favorites!~" The bigger robot coos, this is the only time you genuinely didn't like the fact that Doc was slightly bigger than you. Now, it just made you uncomfortable and scared. And you could barely answer Doc, your tongue felt stuck and your vocal cords frozen

"O–Oh, u-u-uh... Erm, p-potatoes?" Your voice came out weak. You prayed that your stutters didn't make your situation obvious.

"Yep! Do you want baked potatoes for dinner?" Doc queried, closing the door behind him

"Uhm..." You forced a smile "Y-Yeah! Sure why not—" "Mm? What's that on your back, huh?"

Your blood froze, and you swear your heartbeat went to a thousand, shit.

You clutched tight to the hidden diary, begging that it would ease you more, but with Doc staring at you, you felt like you were being forced to fall off a cliff, and your feet were on the edge.

"Y/N? Dear? I don't want to scare you but your hands are shaking and they're pale..." The machine gently held your free hand, as if it were a fragile jewel. While for you it was like a knife to be pocking your hand "Is everything ok? Something happened? Look, you can tell me if you want..."

At that very moment, you were about to cry in terror, your chest kept going up and down, this is a nightmare, a nightmare

"I–I need to talk to the Guardian, Doc" You removed your hand from Doc's palm

"Ahm? Why? What happened Y/N? You can tell me." He placed his hands on the sides of your arms dropping the sack of potatoes on the floor "Why all this fear? It's not like I'm going to kill you, dear, I just want to help..."

Good wordplay Doc, now your whole body won't stop shaking, you have nowhere to run, if you run, he'll attack you, he killed your friends, he killed your friends, the person you trusted the most killed them, they don't exist anymore...

calm down calm your despair this is all not real it's a joke it's a joke it has to be a joke you've got to get out of here you've got to get out of here. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THERE! NOW

Unable to do anything, you look at the floor, and you started to cry.

Doc's "heart" broke as he saw your tears run down in your soft cheeks, his screen showed nothing but sadness.

"Oh Y/N..." He tied two arms around you, giving you a warm hug "There there, calm down—" But, he felt something on your back, that "something" being the item you craved more than anything he doesn't find out you're hiding from him. Doc accomplished some things while hugging you, the item you were hiding, it looked thick as a book, you know, it even looked like a diary

"Is this my diary?"

Run

You pushed Doc against the door behind him with all your might with a loud bang, and without a second thought you ran into the maze of books. You know everything, that was the thing Doc least wanted to know about you. He placed a hand on his chest due to the pain of the push, and started running towards you, to have you in his arms once more.

Your plan was simple, make Doc run to you to leave the door undefended and use it to escape.It didn't matter how much your heart beat, how much your legs shook, how much you panted, you ran and ran and ran to not become another victim, you still couldn't process all the past events, As much as you're afraid of Doc now, you didn't want to believe it, you didn't want him to kill Momo, that he killed Zbaltazar, that he killed his own son to have you

You could hear his footsteps, thump thump thump. You entered a aisle of books, as you ran, for a brief moment you looked back, just to check that Momo wasn't there. He was

When you looked back, you only saw the floor and your whole body aching, you tripped over a pile of books in the hallway, but you don't care how much your nose, lips or teeth hurt, you don't care how much blood you drop, you need to run from Doc

You stand up with determination, you almost feel his hand on your shoulders again, and his footsteps are louder, Doc is definitely close to you. You ran on a path that led towards the same door that Doc came out of, by that time you already felt blood in your mouth, but you were close to your exit, your salvation, nothing mattered, you just needed to get out of there alive and with the diary and that's it.

You saw the door, your heart and lungs were blessed by a brief moment of hope, you readied your dominant hand and reached for the handle, one of your fingers felt the knob-

BAM!!!

Your eyes closed, and there was only black and a headache now. You were passed out by a hit on the head with a thick book, all this, done by Doc

–––

Your body is in a state you didn't want to leave, it was a bed, everything was so warm, no cold fingers or heart shock, everything was calm, perfect, no Doc, you were saved right?

You opened your eyes, only to find what you didn't want, you were in the same little room where it all started, the same mattress, the same lights, the same books, and his arms, Doc's, were hugging your waist

You went back to hell without end, your heart skipped silently, and you didn't move

Doc's head was wedged into the side of your neck and his legs were hugging your legs, if you were going to make any kind of sudden movement he would wake up

No. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no. You don't have the patience for this, you HAVE to get out of here, you HAVE to get out of this kind of hell, this nightmare.

You lightly moved your hand to Doc's hand which was on your belly, you took his hand gently and–

You gasped in shock, feeling a pain in your wrist, it was Doc's hand, gripping your wrist tightly, making your body shudder in despair, begging for nothing to happen.

"Angel, I just want to let you know, I'm wide awake, and I'm not some kind of idiot" He laughed "You know you won't be able to stop me, just go back to sleep, my angel, you look very beautiful sleeping, by the way..."

———

Sorryabout mistakes the new episode of OSNI got me cryng way too much i just fucking brok with allthishit i need therapy

#stray #stray x reader #straycats #stray 2022 #stray game #canon x reader #x reader #reader insert #robot x human #robot x reader #yandere robot #yandere #yanderecore #yandere stray

[thisiskatsblog]

finally read Ursula le Guin's Left Hand of Darkness, a book people have been recommending me for years. one of the reviews on goodreads said the book had changed the reviewer forever. at my age, very much in the autumn of my life, I have to get used to being proper old now, I didn't think a book could change me. but reading about a genderless society, about people who are not one nor the other but both, left me yearning for a person to love who is like estraven. both caring and strong. and completely lacking fragile male ago and female drama.

and, perhaps unsurprisingly, but it was a painful realization nonetheless, it also left me wishing I could be like estraven: outside the way I really feel inside. with age, pregnancy, and weight gain, my body has become so utterly feminine that it's hard to make it "work" for me in any other way than with femme aesthetics. and since I quite like those aesthetics at times - I appreciate feminine looking men as well as plain hot lipstick lesbians in all forms and sizes) - I just went with it. In the mirror, I wanted to see someone I'd date.

but by reading, and falling in book love with estraven, I realized how much of myself I have also left unexpressed for so long. I remember how last time I had the house to myself I wore the fabric belt from my trousers instead as a tie - because as long as I don't look in the mirror, I can imagine it looks like it did when I was didn't carry all the extra weight on my boobs and hips.

and I remember, during my teens, on occasion wearing my father's blazers and my grandad's hat, and at uni, carrying an old pocket watch I got from my dad and emulating my boyfriend's style, who wore makeup and sweater vests over 70s style shirts. At 20, I was androgynous and queer and beautiful. Over 25 years later, I feel beautiful only when wearing 50s style dresses that accentuate my bossom and have inherited my grandmother's pearls, while my brother got the pocket watch.

and it's not that I don't like myself like as femme, it's just I very much feel the void of where my more masculine part used to be. it being so invisible lately, I am left to wonder is it still there.

of course I know it's there. I use deodorant for men and have never worn anything but unisex perfume - have avoided handbags and high heels for most of my days on this planet except those where it's an absolute necessity for the dress or the occasion. I am a woman in a man's job, in a women's sector, where I've managed to turn the 100% female staff into a better balanced gender ratio pure and simply because I missed the way I can be around men. and I am a strict powerboss when I need to, but mostly I very much care. I read and watch LGBTQ material where I often identify more with the male queer characters than with the female ones (which never get enough attention Netflix!), yet when I watch my boy with other teenage boys, it completely passes me by, yeah, like that I have never been and never will be - yet when we curl up on the couch in the evening and I read him my favorite book from when I was a young girl, we both revel in the same things and feel so much alike, and so unlike his father.

I really yearn for a society that is completely free of gender divides and norms. Yet it is so hard to imagine. And I find it so hard to express how I feel about that other than in words. My extremely feminine body gives me so few options. My features are too thin, my boobs too big, my forms too round, my hips too broad, my face too soft.

what changed is that this book has placed the finger on a very painful spot, and I don't know now, if I'm every going to stop feeling sore.

#me

[pinkacademic]

Masculine and Non-Feminine Pink Academia

While this is a very "feminine" space, as someone who isn't always a girl (she/they btw!), I understand the struggle of being a non-girl and wanting to find your place among the girlies. Hopefully I have some useul ideas for you, ranging from non-feminine women, men, and nonbinary inspiration.

Characters

Non-Feminine Women - Cady Heron, Mean Girls. I know a character from the girly movies Holy Trinity seems like a weird start, but of course, Cady's journey is one if jumping in too far and losing her tomboyish nature. But, at the end, her style reflects the positive aspects of her journey by being a better-fitting and a little bit more trendy, but the outfit is still just a casual top and jeans which doesn't necessarily have a gendered association. And, of course, she's an iconic academic character as a mathlete.

-Connie Maheswaren, Steven Universe. Connie's style evolves from a pretty billowy dress to a cute button-up and shorts. Connie loves reading, studying, and swordfighting and has a style that can go between masculine and feminine.

-Spinelli, Recess. I'd say most people who know me know that I am the way I am because of the Ashleys, but Spinelli is good inspo too. She's only an academic in secret, but her over-sized t-shirt as a sort-of dress toes the line between gender presentation. It's dress-like, but probably also a hand-me-down from her older brother, and is shapeless enough for the androynous=shapeless trend.

- Elizabeth Bennet, Pride and Prejudice. Even as a fancy lady in the regency era, she's still more likely to be found on romps in the mud, even if that'd be 'most unladylike.' Personally, if I were in charge of a modern interpretation, I think she'd be a dungarees/overalls kind of girl. One of my favourite interpretations is in The Lizzie Bennet Diaries where she's a tech intern.

Men - Nick Young, Crazy Rich Asians. I love a man passionate about his culture, preserving history, and snazzy dressing. Since he's richer than God,he does dress like Daddy's Little Rich Boy, but it's a classic look for a reason.

- Todd Anderson, Dead Poets Society. SO, DPS is a stable of Dark Academia, but I'm borrowing Todd for the Pink girlies because he felt overlooked for most of his life, and then discovered his romantic, poetic side. It feels like a very Pink theme to me.

-Ryan Evans, High School Musical. Ryan and Sharpay had their style game at maximum for all three movies, and Ryan truly is a bright pink-wearing king who co-ordinated down to a hat- the only person who can get away with a fedora, except, like, Perry the Platypus.

Nonbinary Characters - Frankie Stein, Monster High. The new version of Frankie now uses they/them pronouns! Their presentation in the new movie seems to go between feminine and androgynous, and their style is like school uniform punk- related, I think Frankie would totally have the Vivienne Westwood pin.

-Aziraphale and Crowley, Good Omens. In the Good Omens 'verse, angels and demons don't actually have gender, and Aziraphale and Crowley's looks are jut personal to them. Aziraphale has a flamboyant, cream-toned masculine vibe, while Crowley's dark wardrobe changes gender presentation with him. They embody the abolish gender vs make more dynamic.

- Cal, Sex Education. I'm totally late to the Sex Education party, so I don't know much about them, but it is so exciting to see what looks like good rep in a high school setting, because I wish I'd had more of that when I was in school!

Fashion and Presensation

So, the classic PA sillhouette is, of course, the shirt under a jumper, a pink plaid skirt, tights or stockings, pink high heels, and decorate with pearls. Let's see what we can do to make this less stereotypically feminine.

- Plaid trousers/pants exist and are wonderful. An easy find is always a plaid or similar-patterned paperbag trousers- which I think can be used to alter your shape at the hips, if you want to do that. - Longer or more kilt-style skirts tend to have a more gender-neutral or masculine association compared to their shorter counterparts. - Secret trousers!! These are my favourite thing- a pair of trousers/pants that look like a skirt when standing still feels like the best of both worlds to me. -As mentionned with Spinelli, an oversized t-shirt or shirt worn like a dress can create a shapeless, androgynous sillhouette if so disired, or be cynched in with a belt to add another dimension to an outfit.

I hope this has given you some inspiration to work with, and if anyone has any other ideas, please let me know!

#pink academia #pink #academia #pink academic #masculine pink academia #androgynous pink acacemia #non-feminine pink academia #girly but not a girl #any gender can wear whatever they want #this is just some inspiration #look who remembered a keep reading this time!

[unlicensed-un-proffesional]

Now, I have a very funny story to tell.

A long time ago, when I was around 9 years old, I had a very specific dream. It was in first person, I was somewhat there, a character addressed me, but I always felt more omnipresent, and I looked at everything through a cinematic lens, not like I was there, but like I was watching a movie. I looked and there was a cute androgynous cat-like person in a raincoat thing with a scarf and a hat, and they were on a bridge with a fox, and looking at a city, coated in a red tinge. The water nearly perfectly reflected the city. The cat person turned and talked to me. I forgot what they said, as you do with a dream after many years. There was also a moment where we went to a little bar inside one of the big city buildings, and ate pancakes while looking at the atmospheric world bathed in a faint red light.

I wasn’t there, but I felt like I was. I knew I was just watching, so I was somewhat startled when the cat-person began talking to me, because I wasn’t there, I was like a ghost. They spoke like they knew me, and wanted to know how things were going for me, checking in on someone who you haven’t met in a while. While I’ve slowly began to forget the dream, it stuck with me throughout the years. Not a day passed where it didn’t cross my mind. It was so vivid, yet so fantastical, like it wasn’t real, but I still experienced it like it was. Eventually, it just became a memory of a dream, but I held on to it. I remember the cat-person, and that one fox who they sat with.

So, imagine my surprise when, years later, while playing the Undertale fangame Don’t Forget, and looking at the roster of skins, a character named Niko popped up. I was with my brothers at the time, and so they didn’t understand my shock and were trying to calm me down, but I was overwhelmed. Like a moth to a flame, I looked up the game Niko was from, and instantly purchased OneShot. Played the game through, Solstice and all. I loved it, and cried twice. What a beautiful game. But, I still don’t know what that was about, why I had that dream, why it turned out to be wholly real, and why I remembered it the most among all my other dreams, many many dreams, and it was just the one.

I got my transition name from the alias I used in OneShot though, and have since had multiple dreams where I was with Niko, shopping, taking a walk, I’d just pop into space with them and do something mundane. It’s bizarre, and unlike my initial dream, I am physically present in the dream, also unlike the actual game.

Anyway, that was my unique OneShot journey. The game itself is a wonderfully crafted experience, and it catered exactly to me, so I loved it and still absolutely love it. But beyond the game, I have so much of a connection with it, and I will never know why. Is it a sign of fate or something? It’s already given me my new name which I based on the default name setting on my computer I played OneShot on. So I’ll never know, but it’s a fun story, and I’m glad to have been able to experience such a unique journey, and it’s given me a more developed sense of my own fate and life. So, thanks OneShot, for giving me many kinds of mystical experiences, both literal and figurative. And thanks Niko, for checking on me before I even met you. I can’t believe we met again, before we ever even met. Dreams are weird man, dreams are weird.

#oneshot #niko oneshot #oneshot niko #wildest dreams #dreams i had

[hammity-hammer]

another non steddie post BUT has to do with gender shit and being a queer recognizably and existing in my skin--

i went to a friday the 13th party last night with one of my platonic partners (whom i will now call pp because shorthand is easier) and we both are very fem presenting afab people who use pronouns that don't match our outward expression. i personally use he/him exclusively, unless another trans person is referring to me in which they can use it/its because they get it in a way that cis people i don't often trust to be able to get. pp uses they/he/(it) in the same kind of way. i had my tits OUT and i am comfortable like that, because i know that the people who know me and love me and understand me know deep within themselves that i am not a woman. they see me for everything that i am and they love me. we re-met someone that we had seen the last time at the party, who was a fucking angel and so sweet! he offered us drugs to which we both declined because i was DD and pp strictly drinks, and we had good conversations! i gave him chocolates i had brought with me, we complimented each other's costumes, and overall just had a good fucking time vibing together! we started talking about gender, because i have a more androgynous sounding voice because of my testosterone, and pp referred to me using the correct pronouns. our new friend got so fucking excited that someone who was like him existed-- he tells everyone that he uses any pronouns because he doesn't want to have to repeatedly explain to people that he's not a woman, that he exists outside of the gender spectrum. he told us about the immense euphoria he gets when his partner refers to him using the correct pronouns, and i got so excited for him! it's been really fucking hard lately existing as such a feminine presenting person in spaces that aren't full of me-- and he helped re-light that spark of wanting to tell every person that tells me i'm a woman/too feminine to be a man/too xy or z to be trans and live my life peacefully to fuck right off. he was so fucking happy to meet people whose perceived genders didn't match their identities because people like us are so fucking far and few between. i have dysphoria-- i have it so fucking bad some days and didn't even realize that's what i was feeling because people that look like me/feel like me don't talk about it! transness is always seen from such a binary point of view, and even when people try to go outside the binary it just ends up like a third gender of androgyny and i personally just don't fit that! i am a guy. i am a dude. i'm a girl. i'm a person. i wear dresses and skirts and pants and proudly display my body because it's the only one i have and my mother did a very good fucking job in raising me to believe that i'm beautiful, and that anyone can be beautiful regardless of their gender identity. she taught me that people are people at their cores and that is what makes them beautiful. she also taught me that as long as i'm happy with myself and with the people i surround myself (who love me unconditionally, might i add) then it doesn't fucking matter what the world thinks of me. she let me play with whatever toys i wanted as a kid, she dressed me in the most neutral shit, in boys clothes, in girls clothes, because she thought they looked cool and they made me happy! she took the gender out of things that society and my peers and the other adults in my life kept trying to force gender into. she reminds me daily that as long as i'm happy, i'm beautiful. i know that i come from a very unconventional upbringing when it comes to gender expression and identity, and that i'm so fucking fortunate to have such a supportive family, and i am so fucking grateful for that. i spend every day at a job that i hate because i'm surrounded by people that don't respect me because they see me as a woman because of the tits on my chest and the clothes that i wear and that fucking kills me. i still fight them every day on it, because i have to. because if i don't then the next trans person that interacts with them will have to deal with this shit. and hopefully exposure therapy helps or something because jesus fuck.

#i.....maxed out the text omg #how the hell #i don't even know how many words this is #ham thoughts #i rambled about gender #it rly has no like #rhyme or reason #it's just me rambling and trying to sound inspirational or some shit idk #just been thinking a lot ab gender expression and stuff lately & last night really hit home #finding family in people that share experiences with you is fucking crazy #and like i could cry #anywho! #thanks tor reading or something

[actuallyvady]

Some thoughts on transitioning, two months in (feel free to ignore, just working out some stuff by telling it to a bunch of strangers on the internet)

For as long as I can remember I have had a weird relationship with how I perceive men's voices. Weirdly often, I look at a man and think "... that's not right, that voice should not be coming from that person." I've never really given much thought to why.

I'm fairly sure I had somehow managed to externalize my dysphoria.

I've always liked my voice. I disliked hearing it-- whether using a mic or listening to a recording-- but I always figured that was just because it sounded different, that's a documented thing I know other people experience. But I like my voice, I love the feeling of singing, and tbh my voice changing was for a long time one of the things that kept me from wanting to transition.

Now that I am transitioning and my voice has started to change, I love it. I'm excited to see where it ends up and I'm looking forward to what it will sound like. And that weird feeling of disconnect has started to fade. It's like the reason I thought they didn't sound right was that my voice was right, and it was other men who were wrong. Now that I recognize it, that's hysterical to me.

There are other things, too, where i had hesitated because I was afraid I wouldn't like them but now? I always thought I didn't want facial hair but I actually quite like my mustache. I was always kind of afraid of the body hair-- I knew I would end up with a lot, because I already had a bunch-- but I find I like it and want more to grow in faster. I thought about going for an extremely low dose of T so the changes would be gradual and I could stop if I found I didn't like any of them... now I find that I would rather speed it up.

I've always cherished my androgyny and always said what I wanted was to be genderless, to confuse people. That is no longer true, and I am coming to realize it never really was. I look at all of the "androgynous" male characters I have liked over the years and I realize that the ones I liked the most were clearly masculine, just in a non-traditional way. I don't want to be read as ambiguous, I want to be read as male enough that I can wear glitter and makeup and dresses and still be seen as a man.

... describing myself as a man feels weird, I have spent so many years insisting that I am neither, that I have no gender. But it also feels right in a way that I'm not sure it did before. It's almost like some part of me wasn't ready to claim it until I felt like it already applied? I don't know. All I know is that I didn't have the "always knew I was a boy" experience so much as wondering if it would make me happy and not realizing until I was already in the process of transitioning that yes, in fact, it does.

[cyncerity]

I AM SO EXCITED TO ANSWER ALL THE ASKS I HAVE IN MY INBOX FOR THE BET ON THE CROWN AU BUT IM REALLY REALLY BUSY SO FOR NOW TAKE SOME SHITTY DOODLES I MADE DURING CHORUS

(ignore the one of Techno in the top left, that’s for a pirate fic called “Bones in the Ocean”)

Also this does feature two new character that I’ve hinted about but can now be officially added to the au >:)

Close ups and descriptions of the images under the cut (click for better quality probably)-

A Tommy doodle cause idk what I’m doing with his design:

A Tommy doodle cause idk what I’m doing with his design:

New character alert! Jack Manifold is one of Wilbur’s confidants, and very out of his comfort zone traveling around with a demigod. Mans runs an inn for fucks sake. I drew this with the idea that Jack was being forced to fight someone with a weaponized Wilbur and Wil was absolutely exasperated at Jack being completely useless with a weapon.

Just Tubbo being a little shit we love him <3

Ranboo outfit concept cause I want him to look royal, androgynous, and also, like, otherworldly or something-

Another new character!! Niki is a tiny Mer that travels with Wilbur and Jack, and here I was experimenting with giving her a little net skirt and some accessories (honestly I dislike this drawing the most because her face came out weird).

#cyncerity #cyn art #mcyt g/t #mcyt gt #bet on the crown au #also I have more drawing of Wilbur’s crew and another Ranboo outfit if you wanna see them #I’m really proud of the full Niki one tbh