#i mean ive gotten better than before so thats something

[itsnicsalad]

a buncha amity doodles,, shes becoming more fun to draw lol

#the owl house #toh #fanart #the owl house fanart #disney #amity blight #the fact that i hated drawing her (and hunter hh) bc i just couldnt get the hair right #still trying though #i mean ive gotten better than before so thats something

[hotpinkstars]

-> hospital beds and romaritime flowers

synopsis -> after getting pummeled by a ruin gaurd, your girlfriend, furina, pays you a little visit.

warnings -> bone breaks, mentions of injuries, hospitalization, reader does have a vision, mostly fluffy

w/c -> 1.2k

it’s around 6:00 PM at night when you hear footsteps coming down the hallway to your assigned room. they sounded rushed. you could only imagine it was your girlfriend, considering she called ahead of time to tell you of her visit. 

“what did you even do??” furina frantically makes a halt at your doorway, immediately clearing her throat, changing to a calm and semi-carefree tone. “i-i mean… why are you here?” 

you sighed, showing her what the scans said. you were lying in your hospital bed, due to an injury from a mission the traveler asked of you. it was more like a mini favor, but somehow you got hurt. the scans showed a fracture in the spine, and a bone break in your tibia. 

“how did you do that? you have a vision, so unless you fell from, like, the palais mermonia-” you cut furina off, shaking your head due to the fuss she was making. your body felt 50 times more sensitive, and your head was pounding. noise in general seemed to piss you off even more at this point. 

“no, furina, i did not fall from that. that would be death.” you giggled slightly, toying lightly with the tube that attached your IV to the IV pole. you looked up at the fluid bags hanging over you, and then back down at the IV in your hand. “i did the traveler and paimon a slight favor, and underestimated the strength of a ruin guard. thats all..” 

furina rested her shoulders, finding no more need to be tense. yes, a spinal and tibial injury is horrible, but at least you’re alive. she sees you trying to tilt your head, realizing your pain, and then putting her head down, looking at her feet and then at the flowers she discarded on the back counter by where the curtain closes. she slowly inches back and grabs them, putting them on your bedside table. you smile, moving your hands to signal that you want them to be put on your lap. 

she cautiously puts them in your grip, allowing you to get a better look at them. Once you see them, you smile widely before gripping her hand. 

“my favorites,” you whisper, before having furina help you bring them to your nose to smell them. you exhale before slowly setting them down on the counter, bringing her hands in yours once more. “thank you, mon cheri.” 

furina can sense a slight blush forming on her cheeks, and she is quick to laugh a little bit. 

“ah, you know it’s no issue, i was just out and i saw them, that's all… and i got them because i know they’re your favs, obviously!” she continued to giggle, bringing a smile to your face. you were too tired to tease her further, the urge to tell her that there was certainly another reason than just coming upon them. you could only assume she panicked, and wanted to make you feel better with your favorites- a bouquet of romaritime flowers. 

“you don’t have to justify yourself, dear. i understand your intentions.” you smiled. you didn’t know if she smiled back or if you hit a playful nerve by pointing out that what she said was a cover up to what she truly did it for. 

“well, i told you my intentions! they were only because i found them. if i didn’t come across these, i would’ve gotten you something different.” she went into a coughing fit, likely choking on her spit, making you laugh a little bit. 

“h- cough hey! Don’t- cough laugh!” her flustered and slightly embarrassed look made you laugh even harder- or at least as hard as you could without triggering some pain. she turned away, pretending to drink a small cup of water she poured from the sink, but instead smiling. 

“can you sit with me?” she heard you whisper, and after she gulped down the last sip of water, she twirled over to your bed, plopping down on it almost perfectly, without hitting you at all. you giggled a little more, seemingly impressed with what she just did. 

“i wish i could do that. this bed hurts my tailbone… people weren’t kidding when they said these cots feel like sleeping against a brick wall with a weird gravitational pull. i wanna leave.” you sighed, wishing you could go back to normal, where in any instance like this you’d teasingly let your head fall onto furinas shoulder or lap to spike a reaction.

“i want you to leave too. whatever shall i do without my y/n unable to assist me at work?” she laughed, making you smile before locking eyes with her. you always admired her eyes- the one shined a beautiful blue, like the fontainian ocean in the midst of the night, and the other looked like the shimmering blue sky mixed with white, fluffy clouds. 

“you’ll live for a little while..” you smiled even brighter. “it’s not like i’m in hospice and it’s my last days alive. if that were the case, then this situation would certainly be a lot different.” 

furina nods, looking at the nurse entering the room to check how your back and leg is doing, and giving you more information on what day and time your surgeries will be taking place. 

“well, good news is, we only have to replace one spinal disk. but the bad news is, we’re gonna have to do a full tibia repair. the spinal one will happen in a few hours from now, and the tibia one will be sometime tomorrow afternoon. i just need your spouse to sign these papers, understanding that she likely knows of your medicinal history and if you’ve had any other significant injuries or surgeries in the past,” the nurse gave furina the clipboard and a pen before sitting down on a hospital stool, rolling it towards you before slightly turning your head to face her. “is this position okay, or would you like me to turn you?” 

you thought for a moment, and then nodded. “please turn me, but nothing too significant. i just need relief to my tailbone.” 

the nurse nods and slowly but surely turns you to a more comfortable position, redoing your pillow arrangement and adjusting the back brace before focusing on your legs. after she turns your legs, she walks out, putting the call remote back up by you.

at this time, furina was almost done signing the medical papers. she just had one more to go, occasionally asking you questions she didn’t have too much background information on, and then signing off her name at the end of each. you looked out your window, being able to see the center of the city, and smiling at the bright lights contrasting the darkness of teyvat. 

she leaves the papers on your side table, seeing the visiting hours were almost up. she couldn’t believe how fast time went- she got there at 6, and now it’s 8:30. 

“i have to leave now, but i promise i’ll be back tomorrow, my love,” furina giggled, getting up and walking with a little pep in her step over to where your head is. “sleep as well as you can. i know you’ve got a surgery coming up pretty soon, but try to sleep until the anesthesia guy comes in. everyone needs their beauty sleep, hospital or not!” she kissed you on the lips.

“bye y/n! i’ll be back soon!”

you said a bye back, slightly waving, before drifting off into a rather uncomfortable sleep.

#genshin #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #genshin fluff #genshin x reader fluff #furina #furina x reader #furina x reader fluff

[beautifulpersonpeach]

BPP, am really really interested to read your thoughts on Seven!

*

Ask 2: Hey bpp, can i be honest?? Ive been checked out of the fandom but still keep track of any music releases. So i didnt know abt any rumors abt 7. Imagine me being kind of disappointed that it’s another english song from jk when i watched the mv😅 it feels like his most promoted songs since last year has been all eng song… idk i wanted & expted something diff… i didnt like l&r, dreamers and now 7… it’s back to back lol. Tbf i didnt like My You too and thats in korean. At least not enough to listen!again after the first listen.

Im happy that still with you is finally on spotify tho. I’ll still be waiting excited for his album whenever it comes out. Hopefully ill find something i like in it!!

**

[BPP Note: Both asks above were sent before my "I don't like it..." post. The asks posted below were sent afterwards.]

**

Ask 3:

Same here

All the hype didn't matched with the song

1. rest members songs had so much depth and substance to it while this was the cliche boy chasing a girl song. Like we always dont need deep songs but the quality could be so much better. This was like just another pop song.

I think I'll put this on same level as BAD DECISIONS. But for bad decisions, atleast the chorus was staying on my mind while for this nothing was catchy enough for us to humm. Just because it's JK it will get hype but otherwise it's so generic. I think I liked LEFT and RIGHT way better than Seven. Even the rap portion felt so unnecessary and boring.

2. MV was kinda nice because of the production but concept was too shallow, the stalking and chasing was so outdated. In my country we have like 9293928843837 MVs in this same concept that not many make the same theme songs again.

3. The choreography. We haven't seen the full version. But for tiktok they do the highlight portions if that's so mediocre idk how rest will be. It was again giving the same mediocre showing off choreography and for me backdancers ruined it with their awkward moves.

4. they wanted this song to be played everywhere around the world. But there was nothing catchy enough to attract gp or go viral on tiktok, even if we sped it up. The only way to make everyone listen is to shove it down their throat but doing payola. But idk if investing in payola is worthy for the song. I also doubt the longietivity, as for me it was boring after 2 listens. I'll rather listen Like Crazy or wildflower or closer 20 times than listening this once.

5. I HOPE he'll bring something fresh to the table for his album and don't involve this mediocre producers who uses the same formula and same superstar persona to make a song successful. He is so much talented to sing a song which is so rich in melody and lyrics. And he can produce way better songs by himself.

Prolly a 4/10 for me

*

Ask 4: troye sivan's rush (which also came out last night) is exactly what I wish Seven was. I don't mean that in a 'I expect the things JK to make to be gay' way just in the way it's a fun, very danceable, sexy summer song that doesn't pull its punches. Something about seven feels too run through a commercial sanitizer a few times, even with the explicit lyrics.

***

Hi Anon(s),

Jungkook likes to fuck.

Rather, Andrew Watt likes to fuck and thinks Jungkook can relate.

JK has been talking about wanting to show more mature and explicit sides of himself for a good long while now. So I’m glad he’s finally gotten to do that, confirming for us why he keeps getting noise complaints from his neighbours since the mattresses all over his apartment don't help.

BTS has made songs explicitly referring to sex before (though it's been mostly the rapline doing so). So it's nothing new but I guess it's cool JK gets to share with us that he too has sex.

The question I posed to my friends immediately after watching the MV is, “Do you know who's been doing A&R for BigHit since 2020? I really need to know who is doing A&R for BigHit in America because they’ve been doing an appalling job lately. I'm starting to wonder if it's an inside job cause this song is kinda ass.”

That was me ~11 hours ago.

I didn’t like the song.

I’ve streamed Seven about 20 times since then I think, took a break from the song for a few hours, watched his GMA performance, caught a few minutes of the Wlive, then listened to it again just before writing this post and…

I still don’t like it.

Jungkook did a good job on the song, Latto's verse wasn't terrible, and while the song itself isn’t bad… the song isn’t good either.

It’s painfully, and at this point it’s a pattern so I have to add, predictably, mediocre.

Reserving judgement for the album, but Anons, I agree with you for the most part. The suits at BigHit are trying but they are woefully out of touch with the reasons BTS blew up in the West in the first place. I don't even feel like spending any energy doing a review or even trying to explain what I mean. So I'll just ramble on for a bit but try to keep it brief.

---

I have to give BigHit some credit because I can see what they're going for here. Andrew Watt is a very celebrated producer in the US, he won the Grammy award for Producer of the Year in 2021, he's got A listers in his portfolio. So, he's not a cheap name to book and I can see why the suits at BigHit thought he's the genius to gift them a song clinically designed for American radio.

But that pandejo phoned it in. There isn't a lick of creativity to be found anywhere in all 3 minutes and five seconds.

It reminds me of VIBE by Jimin and Taeyang, as the closest analog to the vague dissatisfaction morphing into annoyance and then pragmatic rationalization I experienced in that same sequence when listening to it the first few times.

The song is disappointing because we've all heard it before. Too many times, and we're bored of it. We've heard JK sing this sort of song for years, as covers mostly. So on one hand, while I guess it's nice JK gets to have an American summer JB-reject pop tune of his own, it's not good enough to be the track that introduces him to the world as a solo artist.

It's fine for any white, blonde, blue-eyed heartthrob that can ride on a pretty face and implicit bias to rack up accolades, it's not good enough for Jungkook.

And BigHit needs to start using whatever leverage a US$10.6 billion market capitalization buys you in Hollywood, to insist for songs that are at least as good as the songs made by BTS members and produced by their in-house team. It's a waste of money and everybody's time to fly a battalion to LA just to record 2014's summer hit in 2023.

In my opinion.

Still With You > Stay Alive > My Time > Stay > Left & Right > My You > Dreamers > Seven

*

All that said, I can't ignore JK has a taste for songs like this, and it's not his fault the song is shit (he didn't write, compose or produce it), so technically he shouldn't be punished for it. And the song is made for radio, while it's not my personal taste a lot of people really like the song (one of my friends likes Seven the most out of all the BTS releases so far), and it will catch on with some support. So, ARMY will support it including me, just to a lesser degree than I've done so far. Fingers crossed JJK1 has something solid on it.

#For people who wanted by opinion on Angel Pt 1 #take the latter sections of this post as one reason I'm not a fan of that song #Seven could've been fine as track seven on the album as an interlude or something #Not as the introductory single to JK's solo debut #Lol what a joke #Anyway #bts #jungkook #jeon jungkook #bangtan #bighit #hybe #bts fandom #bts army #JK Seven

[kichikichiko]

"Thats my girl"

YALL IVE BEEN GONE FOR TOO LONG MY BAD. This has been sitting in my drafts for a while so I decided to finish it 😴😴

Wanderer x fem!reader , suggestive a bit, violence, threats from wanderer, a bit ooc, not proofread

♡♡♡♡

The pure shock plastered on his face says it all.

One of the students of the akedamiya rushed to Wanderer and told him, in a frenzy how youve gotten yourself into a fight.

Wanderer stood there for a few seconds before tilting his head down and frowning "You better not be shitting with me Akeem."

Wanderer hated many things, ranging from insects to humans but if theres 1 thing he hated most, was someone using your name to get him to lower his guards, and apart of him cant fathom you getting into a fight.

You sometimes spoke too loud or too little, smiled a lot and is always willing to help everyone (ew people pleaser 😨😨😨😨❗️❗️❗️). Confrontation was so not something he considered to be a thing you'd do, let alone getting into a fight.

Akeem shaked his head and waved his arms around, showing he wasnt joking "No no Im serious! There was a comotion on the streets so went to check it out. I saw (name) fighting verbally with Halima, sooner or later it would turn into a physical fight-"

Wanderer stormed off in an instant, didnt bother to listen to the rest of Akeem's story, hell knowing Akeem his story would probably take all day to finish. Wanderer wasted no time to find you.

Wanderer was worried you'd get hurt, yet he knew he could trust you to defend yourself to an extent before he comes and saves you.

His eyes scanned the area in a hurry, hoping to catch a glimps of your hair or face or hear your voice from any direction. Lucky for him he heard your voice pretty quickly coming from behind, and he ran. For this once your loud voice was useful well... other than to scream out his name

As soon as Wanderer arrived he saw you holding Halima's arm shouting "say it again! I want to hear it! No no no dont you shy away! You could say it loud n clear the first time Im sure you can say it again but this time for everyone here to hear!"

"Get away from me you sick bitch!" Halima shouted yanking her arm away, raising a hand to slap you.

Before her hand could reach you a familiar hand took ahold of hers and dragged her away.

"Wanderer..." in awe you looked at him. He was pissed, extremely pissed, and you can see it in his face.

He started, voice low "keep your hands off of her you insect. Unless you want to die then by all means go ahead, but as any idiots Ive dealt with Im sure you wouldnt want that" letting go of her arm, Halima took a step back glancing at you with tears in her eyes before running away.

You looked back at him knowing he'll yell at you once you get home or maybe here on the streets. Before you could say a word, he dragged your arm away from the crowd and sped walked home.

"Wanderer-"

"Shut it (name). Dont say a word."

After a while youve reached the front door to your house.Everything went by so fast because suddenly Wanderer pinned you to the wall inside your home and slammed his lips against yours. It didnt take long for you to melt in the kiss.

After a while you pulled away and looked at him, "youre not mad?"

"Mad? Why would I be? I think that was hot. Are you hurt anywhere (name)?" Wanderer asked, cupping your cheek and caressed it.

"No Im not hurt.. dont worry. She just said some insufferable things about you and it made me mad. I guess I went a bit overboard..."

He laughed and kissed your neck "nah, do it again. How bout we take this to the bedroom?"

You moaned softly and nodded.

"Thats my girl"

♡♡♡♡

Yall fucked at the end yall know tht rite 💀

#genshin impact #genshin fanfic #fanfic #genshin imagines #x reader #genshin x reader #wanderer x reader #wanderer x you #scaramouche x you #genshin scaramouche

[autism-corner]

Convenient Trouble, Levi x reader smut

It was the only way to achieve what he wanted. There’s no way that Levi could actually just directly approach you or anything. No, he’s way too much of a loser for that. So, to get what he’s been so desperately dreaming of, it had to look like an accident. It had to look like something went unfortunately wrong. That’s the only way to get things right.

Here he is. The moment of truth. All his brothers had left the house, only leaving you and him for a surprising amount of time. His plan was laid out, alongside the rope he’d need. This was the only way Levi would get you to be his.

(I realise it might look like he’s going to kill himself. He is not don’t worry =w=b Its just the good ol' 'whoopsie ive tied myself up in a sexual way teehee thats so silly lol')

II Top Reader II AMAB Reader II you/yours pronouns II 2,200 Words II Trans Levi II Also posted on AO3!! II

It’s one of the few peaceful days in the house of Lamentation. All the nuisances have left the building and the only two current occupants were both holed up in their rooms. You took this quiet day to watch a movie you’ve been looking forward to.

It had only been a few minutes before your watching was interrupted. A call from Leviathan? Now you’re curious. Levi is the last brother to call unnecessarily, so something must be really amiss. Quickly you press the button.

“Levi, are you okay?” you nearly scream. Despite his distant character, you’ve really grown to care about him. Maybe a little more than you’d like.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I mean. Somewhat.” You feel relieved. He doesn’t sound like he’s in too much distress. His voice sounds a lot more nervous than panicked. “You see, like…” A breath. He needed to take this slow, and you knew not to interrupt. “So you know in Season 4 of Ruri-chan there’s an episode where this bad guy that has kidnapped Azuki-tan and Ruri-chan goes to save her and to have enough time to untie Azuki-tan Ruri-chan actually ties up the bad guy so he won’t interfere and she does so successfully and they both make it out and so this rope that she used to tie up the bad guy is actually pink with little flowers all over it so it’s like a real Ruri-chan rope and now they’ve released it as merch. And so I had to get it. But now I’m stuck.”

These were the most words you ever heard Levi say. How passionate can this guy get about a kids show? Although, you have to admit, it’s kind of endearing. Wait. He’s stuck?

“You’re stuck?” He lets out a whine. “Please don’t laugh at me. I was just excited and it got all b-bungled up. I know im a good-for-nothing otaku, but could you p-please come help me?” God, it sounded like he was on the verge of tears. You smiled, “Of course I'll come help you Levi. I’m on my way.” He exhaled with relief. “Good! You know, the newest episode from ‘Help, I Have A Crush But No Idea How To Approach Him So I Tied Myself Up And He Had To Help Me’ begins airing soon and I absolutely cannot miss that, so you better hurry.” You laughed, responded with a simple “I will.” and hung up. For how much of an introvert he is, this sure is a very direct method.

— Upon entering the room, it was clear what kind of predicament Levi had gotten himself into. And gotten himself into it he had, because there’s no plausible way for that to have happened by accident. He was on the floor with his face near the ground, arms and legs bound to his torso and ass clearly presented in the air.Ofcourse his ass was pointed directly at the entrance, both granting you a beautiful view, with the added bonus that Levi couldn’t catch you staring.

The way the rope wound over and under Levi’s legs, arms and stomach made it possible for him to be entirely picked up by one hand. He looked pathetic and helpless, and the bright red colour on his face didn’t help.

“Ah! You came!” He must have heard the door, because you’d been just standing there, taking it all in. The way his aquarium reflected a soft blue light everywhere made it look that much more heavenly. You close the door behind you, and turn the knob to lock. Slowly you approach your stuck prey, who’s silently sweating away. With the way his face is pressed against the floor, his vision is extremely limited. He tries to listen to your approach, but still lets out a surprised yelp when he feels your hand on his head.

“Poor little lamb. Levi dear, how could you have possibly ended up in this situation? You know, I’m really starting to think this isn’t that much of an accident.” You smiled and watched as his cheeks got just a little more vibrant. “NO! I swear to you this wasn’t on purpose! I’m so sorry you have to see a gross pervert otaku like this I shouldn't have even started this I knew it’d be bad. But it was an accident! I’m telling you!!”

You kneel next to him, trying to look him in the eyes, while he’s actively avoiding yours. You don’t know Levi all that well, but it’s very clear that this is a played up innocent act. The way he’s biting back his smile and the way his eyes are glistening can’t be a coincidence. Debating how to handle this situation, you continue.

“Hm. Well, if that’s how you want to play it.” Levi’s eyes finally meet yours, and the mutual understanding is immediately clear.

You switch up your attitude, now that you know there is a joint goal.

“Levi dear, how could I possibly help you? I mean. Look at the predicament you’re in.” Your voice is filled with fake concern and a bit of amusement. Standing up, you take another good look at him. There are only a few knots, reachable by Levi’s own hands. He could’ve easily come out if he wanted to. He is still on all fours, ass high up in the air. The only thing that has changed since you’ve come in is the way his legs are positioned, now slightly more spread than natural.

“You know what I think?” Your hands find his ass, and god do they feel divine. It really was a shame he always wears that long-ass cloak.

You get on your knees behind him, and bend over to whisper in his ear. “We might need to remove the clothes you have, just to make some space between the rope and your body. Do you mind?” Patiently you wait for his response. Levi really isn’t a guy that talks much when he’s in these situations, but it’s not like you mind. You just need a quick actually verbal confirmation. “Baby? I am going to need a response, darling.” He whimpers.

“I- I didn’t expect it to go this well. Please just do whatever you want! I want to be in your complete mercy!” He cries out. You place a quick kiss on his ear. “That surely can be arranged, don’t you worry pretty.”

Getting up again, eager to finally start the action, your eyes notice the convenient ways some of the rope is bound. It seems that there’s been successfully left just enough space for Levi’s pants to be pulled down. How favourable.

Deciding to keep teasing him for a bit, you snake your hand between his legs and cup his sex. You didn’t exactly find the dick that you were expecting, but his pussy felt wet and soft and you couldn’t wait to delve in. The small gasp he let out only encouraged you.

He seemed to be just as turned on as you, slightly wet through his pants. To let him know just how much you were enjoying him, you press your hard-on against him, causing Levi to let out a harsh moan. While he doesn’t like talking that much, you have a feeling he is rather vocal. Which only means you’ll want to try your hardest to hear all of Levi’s delicious little noises.

With one hand on his hip and the other slowly playing with his front, you begin to move your hips as well. Levi is whining and struggling underneath you, desperately trying to get any more friction he can get.

Deciding you’ve both been tormented enough, you pull down Levi’s pants and underwear as far as they can go. It’s something you’ve been dreaming of seeing, and it’s a great deal better than you’ve hoped. Round cheeks with freckles sprinkled here and there, and a surprisingly wellkept grooming situation. Given the state of his usual hygiene, you were certainly not about to complain.

“It sure looks like someone came prepared.” His hole was clearly stretched already. Finally being able to touch his actual skin, you reach for his clit. While he’s trembling beneath you, letting out soft groans and moans, you reach down to undo your own pants.

Levi is ready, spread open all for you. His holes are beautifully exposed, his cries steadily growing louder. Still slowly rubbing his tiny dick, the hand on Levi slowly moves downwards, inching to his precious warmth. Your other hand is leisurely stroking your own dick, preparing it for what’s to come.

Your fingers have reached Levi’s hole, and are now slowly prodding at the entrance. Finally having gained the courage by Levi’s lavish voice, you push in two fingers at once. It looks like Levi had been playing with his bits for quite some time already, since there was barely any resistance. Hearing him moan loudly only reinsured your ideas.

The soft feeling of him surrounding you was already heavenly, and the best was yet to come. Thanks to the way Levi was still desperately grinding against both your hand and erection, you knew time was running low. So, reckoning Levi is prepared enough by both your and his previous preparations, you decide to dive in. You remove your fingers from his hole, making him let out a desperate sob. The hand moves up to his hips, still delightfully positioned due to the ropes. You guide your dick to his hole, and without warning, push in.

The way Levi squeals out is something that you will always remember. It began low and rumbling, quickly rising in volume and tone once he realised you were actually, properly inside him. That first embrace, combined with Levi all packed up for you, truly felt like heaven. Giving some time for Levi to adjust, you bend over his body again. “God, you feel so good like this, Levi.” You let out a groan. “So perfect and pretty, only for me right?” His only responses are small wails and shrieks, apparently already to fucked out to answer. Deciding it’s certainly been long enough, you finally begin to move.

Getting up again, both your hands grasp a firmer grip on his hips. You begin with slowly thrusting halfway in and out, but after just a few smacks you cave in. Levi had explicitly said to use him however you please, so why should you even have to be careful? Your movement becomes quicker, the sound of the smacks making a beautiful symphony alongside Levi’s moans.

The way his body moves in response to yours is mesmerizing, so limited by the rope but all to free against his tiled floor. He made a good choice to bind his confinements in a way that still leaves a layer of cloth between him and the cold hard ground. Your performance leaves his body making small shocks, and he is both propelled by your thrusts yet contained by the firm hands still on his hips. The way your momentum is constantly hitting him in the middle of his breaths makes his yelps sound that much better. Every time you hit his spot, his noises become more angelic. There’s no doubt as to why he might have fallen.

While you’re continuing to ravage his body, the small pressure in your stomach keeps growing. When you notice it slipping past the point of return, you quickly place your hand lower, to start playing with Levi’s clit again. Somehow, Levi begins to let out words again. “Please..” he moans. “Fuck me. Fuck me. Fuck me.” His voice starts hiccuping and it’s clear that he too, is close. Gathering the very few thoughts you have still left, you respond.

“Yeah baby? Do you want me to fuck you full?” He returns quickly, with the loudest voice you’ve ever heard out of him “Yeah fuck!” You join him with his moans, his walls tightening around you, wanting to pull you even closer. “Fuck me full daddy please I’m so close. Please fill me up. I need you right now.”

Although you would love to focus on the things Levi’s continuing to babble out, you feel his peak coming in. He shakes and clenches around you, pulling you over as well. It’s delicious, and you wish to experience this over and over again. You continue to thrust and fuck him roughly, getting both of you trough your respective climax, while filling him to the brim.

Getting down from the high, you slowly pull out. The string of your release keeps you connected for a bit, before splitting and dripping on the ground. Gross. You really need to clean both of you off. Still half-dazed, you go to check on Levi. His tongue is rolled out, drool making a little puddle on the floor. His eyes are closed and if you wouldn’t know better, he might have fallen asleep. Poor thing. You pick him up, and slowly you begin to untie his creation.

How he managed all of this in the first place, is something you’ll have to ask him later. Currently, the only thing that matters is him curled up in his bath with you, lazily and with a surprisingly confident manner, talking about his feelings for you. A proper confession was really due, after all.

#obey me #obey me smut #obey me leviathan #obey me levi #obey me leviathan smut #obey me male reader #obey me bottom leviathan #obey me x reader #leviathan x reader #obey me leviathan x reader #nsfnr #my work #sillyposting #ftm levi #nothing deep he just has a pussy =w=b #x reader

[cybermeep]

told my mom about the gifts ive gotten for my friends to have her then say “they better get something nice for you for christmas” ..i didnt get to reply in the way i wanted, but i scolded her for it a bit anyway. is scolded the right word? told off? unsure.

i get her message, of course— but what she needs to understand is that my friends already do that. maybe not get me gifts or buy me things specifically, but they already do nice things. their simple existence and presence is pleasing and always welcome.. they’ve also done so much more by their simple existence and presence than i know how to convey or articulate properly.. so i get them gifts or make cards or notes ‘cause thats the best way i can say “hey, you mean a lot to me and i do these things because your mundane existence means many things to me” at times. that’s also why i do rather mundane things i dont have to do like wait for my friends or clean off tables before they do stuff or uh.. things like that. if that makes sense.*

speaking of gifts… package will be here tomorrow. hope this stuff works! 18 dollars for some good ol cement. not bad compared to the book.. but the book wasn’t bad, either. neither are bad! hope i make that abundantly clear. both are items i bought with currency for reasons uncorrelated to my own living, and both will serve a purpose; i just hope i dont cartoonishly slip and fall on a banana peel and ruin either of them.

*this is also likely why im late to my next class far too often.. because of the fact i stay around and clean tables. its once again ironic, considering how i hate to get in trouble— but i just. i like cleaning tables! i wanna make sure they’re clean and nice for my friend yknow. and i know im gonna get told once again “i dont have to do that” and.. i know! i dont gotta do anything, but i do it! cause i wanna & also cause i care! also why not!! what if i. no wait i already said the what if i die and couldnt show affection thing. ignore me.

unrelated news: learned the words gossamer and anathema. think ive heard anathema before cause of a song, but never knew what it meant. might go to bed early cause im tired. yay!

#cybers tangents

[sentientgopro]

My parents are currently trying to figure out a way for me to not have to share a bedroom with my brother, to the extent of considering a room in the garden. I said its probably just not worth it, Ive managed living in the room with him for many years, Im sure I can make do for another year and a half, and she said to me "You can't just put your life on hold like that for a year and a half until you move out". And she has no clue that had an entirely different meaning to me.

Yes, I DO have to put my life on hold until I move out, in a much more severe and damaging way than she realises, because of her transphobic ass.

But regardless of the twat saying it and the irrelevant context, I've been dwelling on those words. Its already getting kinda difficult a month into cracking doing nothing. Ive still got about another 20 to go before I even START transitioning and thats far from an instant problem fix, isn't it.

And I already wanted to think more in detail about how it will go when they inevitably find out, but this has presented a nice opportunity to think about it a bit more. My Dad will be absolutely pissed, plain and simple, to the extent that I'd have to make sure he finds out from a long distance for my own safety. He's gotten very aggressive over alot less. My mother, on the other hand, is a much more complex question.

She's the only one I've really ever talked to about issues (particularly issues relating to Dad, as well as mental issues), shes a psychologist so she kinda has a bit of idea what shes talking about. and she has said, on many occasions, that she thinks I'm very emotionally intelligent. She thinks I know myself very well. So if I told her about something I know she fundamentally disagrees with, will she just forget all that?

The thing is, she's been locked into conservative beliefs, but she can be reasoned with. One example was of a general discussion over the existance of gender dysphoria and validity of trans people, and I convinced her that gender dysphoria is real, there are scientific explanations behind why trans people feel the way they do. And she cannot find an argument against me so she resorts to "Okay, people like that exist, but I think most just do it because they think its trendy" cool, an entirely unmeasurable, impossible to back up claim that I cant even outright disprove so it pretty much ends up as her being right because she just knows better apparently. But, up to outright convincing her to change her beliefs, she can be reasoned with.

And besides, if Im so emotionally intelligent, surely I should belong to the group of people who aren't faking it, by her logic?

Honestly, if she was just outright never going to accept me like him, itd be easier. But the fact that theres a genuine question here makes it so difficult. Like, her helping cover for me and keep it a secret from my Dad and Brother while I start HRT is a genuine, possible outcome. Its also very unlikely.

But, if I could convince her Im not making it up, which should work in theory, and if she holds the belief that I can't just put my life on hold, its a forseeable outcome. And I don't know how I feel about that.

(Short bit of context for the next bit) One of my Sixth Form teachers has gotten extremely ill, we don't know the details but basically, hes disappearing for a while and we dont know if hes ever coming back. He is the ONLY member of staff in the school capable of teaching the subject. So, my mother arranged a meeting with the head to ask what happens next, and raised concerns over my education. In return, the head tried to ignore it by pinning it on me, saying I'm struggling already, and basically turn it around on me as if our only teacher isnt disappearing.

So I tried defending myself in a few ways, one of them being, since the last round of tests, Ive been feeling like, ALOT better, better motivated, to an extent that is affecting me on a day to day basis and making it easier to get work done, so there should be a massive improvement since my last tests. So after the meeting, naturally, my mother wanted to know what it was exactly that changed, and I realised I fucked up. The thing that changed was realising I was trans and realising that, eventually, I could be happy, and I have something to look forward to and work towards. So now shes gonna keep asking and wanting to talk about what it was. She keeps asking to go on a walk and talk about it.

And it keeps making me imagine, far into the walk, after she keeps poking and prodding, just going, "Fuck it, leap of faith". Because the more I dont tell her, the more suspicious shes probably gonna become.

idk, theres no real end point to this. This is more of a vent than figuring out my feelings. Supportive relatives are great, unsupportive relatives suck, but questionable relatives are fucking anxiety provoking. This is nothing new Im discovering here, really, this is a trans experience thats older than time itself. But I've never been a big risk taker, so Ill probably just take the long route and make sure they find out as late as possible.

#196 #transgender #transfem #personal logs

[spoolofthreat]

I dont HATE this, but i have some problems.

1. This setiment is already said a lot on here which can lead to something ive experienced which is being waaaayy to comfortable with blaming a LOT of things on my mental health. I know this is a post thats suppose to help people who are ridiculed for things that their mental health gets in the way of. But for me, always being told all of my problems in my life are a specific clinical diagnosis PAIRED with this kind of positivity, doesn't really help me grow. It resigns me into thinking that theres nothing i can really do about this since it is the way my brain has been wired which, isnt entirely true. It just means i have to put a lot more effort into these things. Of course, you dont have to try so hard all the time. That's exhausting, but ive gotten to a place where im no longer even pushing myself for anything that would be beneficial to me. Im sure someone else can relate to this. It's not all about me, but i can only know my own experiences fully.

Give yourself breaks, of course. I think its missing that in this post.

2. Why list a couple of diagnoses and then just say "less visible/divergent disabilities" maybe just dont list out at all because it truly just hides the others. I know its not all this person knows but, it doesn't make much sense to me why they would even do that?

Sorry that I have to be like this. If you have reblogged this before, dont take it down. Im sure if you have you're experience had been where you haven't got to give yourself a break because of people who don't fully understand or youre just having a tough time, i know theres lots more people in that situation than mine. Especially on here. I do understand. If it is like that, please, you dont have to push yourself hard. Just don't keep this as a way to justify staying this way when you're relatively better, it could be your detriment.

[kosmo-politan]

Hihihi Kosmo. I can’t play more bg3 for a while (ran out of space on my puter, need to order an external hard drive and move it onto there <\3) and I’m going through Hyperfixation Withdrawal. You know how it is. So MY POINT IS in the meantime you should tell me about your tav I wanna hear about your tav please tell me about your tav. Also I’d like to hear how the games going for you and all that, if you don’t mind sharing :)

HIHIHI ARI :) sosorry about your puter </3 stay strong in these tough times soldier!! also i do know The Hyperfixation Withdrawal 🤝 i need my daily dose of Guys From My Computer to keep me going youknow. ANYWAY I DONOT MIND SHARING I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THINGS AND HEARING ABOUT THEM ALSO !!

as for gameplay i havenot. gotten far. </3 i keep remaking my tavs because i came up with something better. but so far i keep failing checks and getting blown up and catching on fire and falling and dying and so on <3 its so funny. to me. its like a recurring gag on a sitcom. shadowheart keeps befalling the same fate as my tavs as well. go girl give us nothing ! (said lovingly)

RAMBLINGS BELOW I GOT CARRIED AWAY SOSORRY.

^^^^ my main man Amari !! only one picture because i may have made them in august and. forgot about him. so sorry king

he/him . or they perhaps... heart <3

high half elf and. a bard. <3

romancing astarion (

also his name means eternal in hebrew because well. i think thats funny. guy named immortal dating a guy who is immortal. anyway.

the most i got lore wise is that their background is urchin. perhaps learned instruments and whatnot to make money.

i wish i had more worked out but. alas. melchior and those damn old men (aldente) plaguing my mind.

^^^^ MELCHIOR... MANDATED DARK URGE TAV. YOU KNOW.. more pictures because i made him the other day. theen remade him again today which is why this took so long so sorry </3

he/him <3

seldarine drow and. a rogue .

romancing that damn vampire also. because i kept hearing things about durge and astarion. no other reason <- lying

picked melchior because. seems like something a weird little guy would name himself.

okay. i am a poser i havent played much. however i know durge lost memories and so on. but i was making this dude before i decided to make him my durge tav and. i donot want to change his lore

he was the worlds worst conman. grunkle stan style. warrant in 25/50 states youknow. doesnot remember any of this. when asked about his background hes too prideful to admit he doesnt remember anything and lies each time. horrible at keeping up with these lies however and everyone is so painfully aware (but he doesnt realize that).

also i think its funny to imagine these guys Adventuring and whatnot and coming across various wanted posters for their questionable little buddy. and each time hes soso close to remembering something but brushes it off as an equally charming and beautiful and great at everything stranger you know. do you get me <- is unwell

got that good. that good for nothing. dude is SHIT at EVERYTHING. ive rolled a critical failure on damn near everything with him. i like to imagine this annoys astarion to no end because. well im normal. im about to get ill about that vampire. so sorry.

gets to the point where astarion starts doing things for him because he cant do anything. melchior is beyond amused and begins to fail horribly on purpose to annoy him. everyone in the party hates these two. two guys dragging their party down <3 love loses !

horrible at reading social cues also. because i heart projection. cannot tell when hes being made fun of. or flirted with. astarion cannot win with this guy. makes a catty comment and melchior goes "thanks dawg!" and daps him up so hard he gets a spinal injury.

gofd theres so muchmore about these two and their ddynamic that ive made up in my mind but this is getting long and my fear of being cringe is winning. you know how it is. ANYWAY THANKYOU THANKYOU THAN K YOU !!!!!! YOU SHOULD ALSO TELL ME ABOUT YOUR TAV(S) . IF YOUD LIKE. OR ANYTHING BG3 RELATED REALLY I LOVE HEARING ABOUT THINGS !!!!!! <3 also i intend to draw these two. at some point. i make no promises however you know how it is another note... been thinking about making a third dude for gale or perhaps karlach. but these two r enough fornow.

#FOR REAL THANK YOU AUGHHH #SHAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS #I HAVE BEEN MEANING TOASK YOU ABOUT BG3 BUT. I AM SO SCARED ALWAYS FOR NO REASON YOU KNOW. THANK YOU FOR REAL #also they are both transmasc because . they just like me forreal and so on #hello tumblr fucked the formatting up bad. are yoy there god

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

It's late saturday afternoon. I'm laying on my couch reading and my phone rings. I see the E in the colored circle before anything else and my body lights up like a Christmas tree.

"Hey!" I say softly

Without missing a beat he replies "What are you wearing?"

"Want me to lie to you? cause it's nothing exciting"

He laughs his adorable breathy laugh.

"No, that's ok. Do you have plans tonight?"

"Want to see for yourself, huh?"

"Maybe"

"Well, right now my plans include reading this book and eating leftover meatloaf over my sink for dinner later"

That laugh again, but louder.

"Man, that sounds exciting. But I have a better idea"

"Whatcha got for me?

"Dinner and then whatever" the whatever makes my body twitch.

Especially since I have been seeing Evan for a few weeks and we've been taking things slow. We kiss and hold hands. Cuddle up to each other. But, that's as far as our intimacy has gone. In the beginning he told me he really likes me, but feels like he still needs a little space to clear his mind. I told him absolutely, because I really liked him too. I was worried he wouldn't be serious about taking things further but, so far he has been consistent about wanting to hang out. I'm patient with him, but impatient on the inside. I would never say that to him.

He's very kind to everyone, respectful and sweet. He has a perverted sense of humor, but so do I and I love it about him. I don't offend easily and his jokes are not overly aggressive. We make each other laugh. We have deep, meaningful conversations and also lighter ones. He listens to me and retains the important things. It feels good. I do the same when I can. He smiles a lot around me. I hope it's because he feels comfortable and happy. But, he doesn't open up to me much. Which is something I don't want to push.

He picks me up and takes me out to dinner at a nice restaurant. I tried to protest and tell him I don't expect fancy. He says that's why I want to take you there. We get back to my house and I invite him in.

We sit down and turn the TV on. He puts his arm around me and I lean into him. We both sigh and I say "man, this feels good". He agrees. I tell him he smells good. He said I smell wonderful and he's been wanting to tell me that all night. I ask him why he didn't? He looks at me and shrugs.

Evan...

What? He says softly

You don't have to be afraid to tell me how you feel. I mean , I know you have been a little here and there. But...

It's hard for me. Vulnerability is not something I deal well with.

Can I do anything to ease your anxieties? Because my goal here is for you to feel safe with me. And that you can talk to me. I know you're trying. I'm not trying to push you.

I know. I want to.

Listen, what's the reason we haven't been..together yet? I don't see you being shy about sex. Taking it slow is fine. But, I feel like there's more to it than that.

He kisses me softly. He says he's just in his own head about things. I don't want to disappoint you. In the past ive been berated for things I have no control over. Made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

Like what? I take his hand. He's reliving something.

One time I drank too much and couldn't get it up. I'm not usually...fast but if I was it would be the end of the world.

Well, I have dealt with all that before and have never gotten shitty about it. I think thats the cruelest thing you can do is make someone feel like shit in an intimate setting. I brush his adorable curls out of his face. I kiss his forehead. Twice.

I care about you. I want to be close to you. I want to feel the weight of your body on mine.....

He kisses me fast and hard. Its urgent and needy. I touch his face. He's caressing my arms. He pulls away and looks me right in the eyes. I... He doesn't know what to say.

Wanna go upstairs? I ask. Only if you want to. I say.

The look he's giving me. Sweet, but eager. He nods yes.

I stand up and put my hand out. "Come with me honey. It's ok"

He stands up and takes my hand. I lead him up the stairs to my room. It feels like eternity before we are standing next to my bed.

To be continued......

*anon getting us emotionally invested*

[armedjoy]

a long and (later on) personal post about my engagement and future on this site beneath the cut

to start, some observations about my time here:

disco elysium holds the record for the first fandom im truly engaging with. i check the tags, read the 'spinoff' fiction, its fun. one could say our ideological milieus here are themselves a fandom, but in terms of something thats strictly media, this is it. going on 11 years here and thats what broke the streak, its that fucking good.

i regret deleting my sideblog 'information-nexus' back in '15. it was an organized and well-tagged news, theory, "how-to", and resource blog, but it was taking way too much of my time. i was attempting to make a whole ass virtual library on tumblr, which is far too ambitious for one person, especially considering that it would never pay bills. i shouldve opened it up to some friends to co-mod it and dialed back my involvement. oh well

i regret less the deletion of 'film-space' in '14. posts were just the movie poster with a brief summary of the plot and then a quick review. i came up with my own system that reworked the 4 star ratings into how id recommend based on genre preferences. film reviews in print seem to belabor the point and online reviews seem to lean too heavily on arbitrarily defined scoring. the point should be to either encourage or dissuade readers from seeing it, not remind them you're the wittiest person in the room or that you've atomized the medium into an exploded diagram, and i held to that. it forced me to watch movies more critically wrt to both the art form and the politics it portrayed. but i took an extended break from the site and lost momentum. it just seemed... pointless

ive been pretty bad with managing every inbox/ chat ive ever had - except this one, the personal blog. i tell myself "i'll get around to answering that" and thats been a lie most of the time. the vast majority of my time here is spent reading things that cross my dash, so getting a question on a completely different subject seems to exceed my bandwidth. i genuinely enjoy most of my interactions here but im simply not in the correct mindset most days. that said, most of the mail 'left-reminders' has gotten just feels like im being asked to do an undergrads homework.

i havent posted my face in, what, 8 years? which i might change. i mean im already fucked - ive posted some wild shit before [REDACTED] was a meme, and my face is already linked to this blog & backed up somewhere at fort meade. whats another hole in an already sunk ship, yeah?

funnily enough, i originally joined to post my photography & short stories. look how that turned out lmao

why am i posting this? ive been seriously evaluating my continued presence here. for some time ive had a desire to leave, which up to this point has been greatly outweighed by the reasons to stay. there are other platforms that are bigger, faster, algorithmically supercharged to provide every niche interest you allow it to know... but im still not as invested as i am here. tumblr's appeal is equal parts utilitarian and sentimental - no other platform has been this educational, informing, and entertaining. this place really is the internets bleeding edge for both humor and anarchist/ communist discourse. and for more personal reasons, i have greatly valued sharing this little corner of the internet with you all. i have enjoyed sharing each of your interests and discussions, witnessing your personal developments. know that this random guy on the internet is & always has been rooting for you.

ive had some serious rough patches over the last decade, and ive used this site as a grounding rod as much as a resource and social outlet. but my friend group is vast now, im living healthier, and im making positive changes. for the first in a very long time, i am truly feeling better, finally moving beyond 'managing' into 'growing.' and more than anything, i need to grow creatively.

simply put, writing fiction is the calling of my heart. and if im to commit to it, i cannot divide my attention. beyond being my sole committed creative outlet, it helps me manage daily life. writing feels like gardening: in the structure it builds to do it right, the determination it requires to continue when i fail, and the joy it inspires when i create. when an idea settles in and i can piece it together while going about my day, only sitting down to write when i know most of it. the emotion i experience after unwinding something that has rooted itself around my mind is tremendous and complicated - it feels like an exorcism, of sorts. the feverishness that seizes me to get it all down before it slips away, the relief when i know i can finally move on, the pride of creation, and the dreadful anticipation of being read - all of it is a bittersweet cup that i will gladly return to.

i need to make space for that, with whatever little amount of bandwidth i have to work with. i refuse to wake up one day knowing that i have postponed the only thing thats ever meant a damn to me, only to realize ive run out of time. i will not squander whats left.

at some point, i know i need to put this behind me. this, and several other self-imposed obligations, must greatly diminish or disappear entirely. it might be in a few weeks or a year, but it has to happen. i might keep this one up, sporadically popping in for occasional exchanges, and pass off the sideblogs to someone else. i've already scrubbed the archive. or maybe i'll just delete entirely; perhaps virtual presences are best if they resembled a sand mandala, something designed to be swept away to make space for something - or someone - new.

i had to write this down, get this all out, if only for myself. i cannot begin to estimate the amount of time ive spent here, so it had to be said for my own reconciliation of that time... and to keep myself to it.

when im ready to leave, i'll let you all know.

[commanderquinn]

cranky writer whatever moment

ugh its for sure just because i havent gotten enough sleep but like. idk its frustrating trying to get back into fandom. it feels like tumblr is a Way different space than it was before

im not trying to give anyone shit here im just. venting idk. that like it can get frustrating knowing im putting my heart and soul and tears and time into good space (very happily i might add) knowing that im making something thats Good. like, its the best thing IVE written so far as a hobby author, and i love it dearly. so i get protective of it.

and then i watched a 4k count smut fic i did off the top of my head as practice for sam coe’s headspace beat the kudos on an ELEVEN CHAPTER fic ive put 130k+ words into in less than like three days of the 4k being posted. like tbh that was kinda crushing to notice.

i know i know, starfield is new fandom rush even though bg3 is The Big Thing right now. and I KNOW, i write for myself. nothings going to stop me from writing good space, thats for sure. but that doesnt mean that having it barely get touched in a pretty active fandom doesnt hit the brain juice kinda hard. i think im gonna finally give in and put it in the bucky/reader category. i feel like itll at least make me feel better

and then. idk. theres the tumblr front. the nsfw crackdown really changed the landscape. all i get are posts rec’d to me (when i forget to switch to the following tab) from authors talking about how interaction is down and how they hate when people like and follow but dont reblog and im just. ugh. it all feels like a gross headspace.

the last thing i ever want to do is make people feel like theyre forced to comment or reblog or anything like that. im cool with being the smut writer who gets likes, kudos, and hidden bookmarks. that doesnt offend me. it just feels like im getting shadow banned by tumblrs algorithm for being nsfw, so im not getting engagement, and theres (im NOT picking a fight im NOT being smug or superior im NOT insulting anyone please dont put words in my mouth) puritan vibes moving through a lot of parts of tumblr and it gets judgmental really fast

ive watched my fair share of fandom implosions and i just. idk. im super cautious of where i plant my roots these days because of it. so. i think for the time being im just gonna focus on writing good space and finishing up bg3 so i can write about it.

im not gonna be doing anymore starfield writing unless i get requests for it/until the ck drops and gives me the urge to write for it again 🤷‍♀️

if any of the followers i got over the last couple days for sam coe stuff want more, you’re free to ask bb, i dont mind. i just dont have the drive to come up with ideas for it myself atm sorry ❤️

#quinns rant tag #hobby writing is hard and the internet is a blessing and a curse of a trap #anyway if youre following me for sam coe fics ooo boy do i have some bad news

[spawnradio]

... ill be honest man. i havent fully, i dunno if i ever will fully get used to it. but the difference between us is that i grew up there, yknow? you had like. normalcy before you were there, a kinda baseline for what life is like that i didnt have. and youve been there for a long time, so like, that baseline gets worn away, and you lose your sense of normalcy where like. i never had it to begin with. im starting from scratch here where youre like. relearning to walk almost.

its hard. i think its always gonna be a learning curb. fit, my dude, i didnt know what a microwave was until i was off that server for like 3 years. but i can say its gotten better. yknow i didnt sleep in a real bed until like. fuck. not quite a year ago i think? ive been off of 2b2t for almost 4 years now i think? give or take. for the first while i just... never stopped treating things like 2b. there was always a catch, always danger, nothing could ever just. be. but i found people who i was. maybe not stable with but who helped me. and given, that kind of. ended badly when my closest friend got beheaded. fun fact, apparently we have a wikipedia page bc of that shit. but i really didnt get like... better? until i was taught that anarchy didnt have to be Bad. that i wasnt inherently destructive because of where i was from. and i mean. im still not normal. im never gonna be normal. if i ever die theres a decent chance im gone for good bc of my client bullshit, which is something i can never get rid of. its part of me now. its always gonna inform the way i act, how i see the world, even after ive worked past a lot of it. hell, my name was picked because of it. i think, now, i can say im mostly used to it. i sleep in a bed. i have friends, loved ones, i have a room and its permanent and mine with decorations and personal touches and my bed is In There and not hidden somewhere else. its safe and i dont even have a lock on the door. i have a real place i call home, with people in it i care about, and i feel safe there. i think thats about as used to being off 2b as i can get. i still dont like loud noises, and gapples kinda make me feel sick nowadays, but yknow. a little nausea is better than losing a leg so ill take it. long story. sorry this was a lot, and it doesnt really fully answer the question. i think, personally, youll get used to it. it just takes time. you'll never be quite the same as who you were before. thats okay. 2b, as much as its home for us, really hurt us. you can love something that you know hurt you. it had its good and bad, and we can take that good with us forward. give it time. i know it sucks to hear, but time and good people will help you more than anything. trust yourself and trust your loved ones, and you'll get used to it. its like... a leap of faith almost. 🌕

[His voice, when it comes through, is choked up. It stops after the first few words, though-- radio smooth.] Alright. I let this sit for a few days. Thank you. Shit, thank you. Okay. That's... yeah. I feel better now.

#on-air #callers #🌕 caller #homesick

[aaeds]

The worst advice Ive gotten all week is to eat small meals and snacks, but my stress levels are so high I’ve recognized I’m in trauma shut down mode.

I felt bad for falling down the stairs face first into a basket, and I’m all messed up. I’m doing so much for my family taking care of things around the house I feel less and less like I exist and more like cheap labour.

I’m not angry even if I could be, but eating and having feelings has completely drained from me. I’m robotically moving through the day anticipating the next demand or crying. I am capable of so many things, but I’m treated like an idiot.

I cooked so much for others and watched them eat that I stopped feeling anything, I’m a taller person who takes directions, folds laundry and puts it away. I put together outfits, and give everyone drinks at night.

By the time I’m done I just sit on my stairs, concentrate on what I need but it just drops out. Its like several years ago but I feel nothing and more withdrawn. I dont want to draw or play games, I’m on medicine for depression but this feels different.

Its like my life is already over, and I’m just waiting to bury the last two members of my family. It doesn’t make me that sad, I’m just exhausted at the prospects of how long it’ll take. Maybe thats mean, I’ll miss them but right now they’re not my parents.

I thought maybe I was mentally giving up, but at work today I thought I already have. I gave up on a future for myself, things I wanted, what I want to do. Whether or not I want to pursue a relationship when this is all I am, how exhausting that would be. Friendships arent fun when people worry.

If I laugh or talk to loud it means I’m available to help, so if I want peace or time to think I just sit in silence at my desk or in bed. Its not that books or games or shows are boring I just feel guilty.

“Come play this game with us,” but I’m not supposed to be having fun. Mom is crying and needs help, I shouldn’t be laughing or talking about my feelings on the matter. Its alienating. I don’t relate or understand my friends anymore. They don’t get it or never grew up this way. They got out or have other family. Its just me, I’m the last surviving child and the youngest, but I cant maintain my job and this lifestyle.

I hate when people tell me to run away or leave, they have no idea how scary it is to pick some up from a fall or handle the bleeding and abuse. Or when you’re forgotten by name, all the crying and screaming. It follows you everywhere and doesn’t immediately get better. Not when its your whole life. Its decades of trauma and guilt.

Every plan you make or purchase you make is disappointment, other people need more help than you even when you question if thats a lie. Giving up your birthday for someone else because it feels selfish to ask for things or want things. Its already so internalized. I mean, only one person celebrates my birthday as an adult, I got too old for birthdays, easter, halloween and Christmas before I turned 12. Even if its something I want, I cant ask for it from my family.

If I got sick or needed help I was a burden or at least an inconvenience. So somewhere down the line these past months my body and just shut down. I just don’t have it in me to be falsely cheerful, its just exhausting.

Even if you love your family, and you work full time - even the small things add up until theres just no room to be anything but what they need. I wanted to travel once.

Will it be a miracle if I can? If I’ll even want to?

[magical-agatha]

i have a big complicated thought about myself im trying to capture and crystallise in text. i think for me, using tumblr means ive failed to find a better use of my time. i think tumblr can be fine for other people, tho it definitely has detrimental effects on some ppl. for me tho, since i took that extended break from social media i put an enormous amount of effort into finding more fulfilling and personally productive ways of using the time i used to use to browse tumblr. and i was actually hugely successful. ive made more art recently than ever. I've gotten better at trying new things and pushing myself and self motivation. better at waiting and patience and maybe even at focusing. i feel like ive been tackling my adhd and my tendency to waste time and procrastinate head on and winning dramatically. but the last few days ive been falling apart mentally. i spent like. 3 or 4 hours today staring at my phone and doing unproductive and like, mentally unhelpful things. wasting time. stuff thats harmless for other ppl but harmful for me. im happier when i dont spend hours each day staring at my phone. so i feel like I've failed myself.

the reality is that im in a huge slump. im sick, sleep deprived, and my hormone schedule has been upset. im on a different dose and different kind of hormone and the change is rly hurting me. waiting to see if ill stabilise after a couple weeks, bc this new hormone situation is way way cheaper. if my mental wellbeing doesn't improve in two weeks im switching back to what i was on before bc losing the feeling of triumph and confidence and control and understanding of myself that i had cultivated is a kind of torture and i really dont think i can bear it for very long.

i have been rly stroppy with the ppl around me and i am acutely aware of how out of control and chaotic my emotions are. hoping sleep and time will remedy that problem.

i know that i need to be patient but i am beyond sick of waiting. i was starting to get my life together and it feels like it's slipped out of my hands. i know i can get back to where i was but its not fair that i have to wait and fight and work to pull myself back together again.

i spent years and years with this website being an escape from real life and my primary means of socialisation. so i can't help but see it as a kind of mental trap now. i refuse to scroll listlessly and melt my brain like this again its so incredibly bad for me now.

i should like. delete my blog or log out or something but i cant delete my blog bc archival is a necessity, and i don't want to be excluded from my social circle sharing posts on discord. so idk ill just practice self control.

this is like. purely a me thing. tumblr is bad for me and im not commenting on anyone else pls dont misunderstand.

#hashtag blogging with aggy

[n0ct0urn1quet]

unbelievably in love with my gf rn but i have decided NOT to ramble in the tags and am instead rambling in the post but only bc i have lots to say ant it literally would not fit in the tags . ANYWAYS KJDFKLJDFKLGH @vergildotcom

i just :] she is so prety,,,,so shaped,,,,,,unbelievably shaped (positive),,,,,,everything abt her physcially is just !!!!!! lovely!!!!!!!!!!!! she is so round and chubby and very much pillow shaped (which is epic bc honestly? the pillows i have rn are flat and i wake up with a sore neck every morning. however if i just use my gf as a pillow i wake up with NO sore neck and NO back pain or anything . literally she is a much more comfier pillow than my Two Actual Pillows DJKSJKG)..... shes so . bfhnjg :)

and she is just !!!!!!!!!11 so kind.......so sweet.............ealierer we were talking n i was all yearny n she was like "bro whats that" n im like "w,,,,,,whats what,,,," n shes like "whats that on ur face" n imall confused ?? so im like "idk bro,,,,,,,,,,,," n then shes like !!!!!!!!!!!! "*mwah*!!! its me!!!!!" n im like :O :O :O :O :O !!!!!!!! its u!!!!!!!!!!1 on my face giving me a kis!!!!!!!!! waow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <:]

idk im just thinking so hard abt her rn she makes me . verey haby. n not to get kinda sentimental ig but i rly need to reliaze that. like. i dont Need to worry about a lot of things. i dont need to worry about taking a picture of myself n thinking that i look bad in the picture or i dont need to worry about how my brain works or anything like that bc. she'll lov me regardless. i could send a picture of myself who just woke up and i could have my hair be all crazy and wacky and all over the place and she would be like "u look prebby :)". i could have an Episode n get all anxious ovr something dumb n she would b there to help n even if there wasnt something she could rly Do to help she would at least . Be There. n thas all that matters to me

idk i just <:] i just lov her a lot yk,,,,,shes just. the nicest person iv ever met. im very very lucky to have met her and sometimes it baffles me that we met completely on Accident. i remember a while ago her n i talking n she told me she found my tumblr blog completely on accident bc she meant to click on someone elses blog but ended up clicking on mine n its just. it is baffling to think that if she hadnt accidentally clicked on my tumblr blog 4 years ago we might not have even. like. met each other at all.

thats another thing i think about! sometimes i think about. my Life. before i met her and before i rly joined tumblr. back when i was living with my dad n mom in a not very safe household. n sometimes i wish i could go back n prevent them from splitting up or think about how my dad couldve gotten better if he had just gotten therapy for his issues but. the thing is. if all of that happened and he did get help where would i be. i dont think i would have ever joined tumblr because my dad didnt rly want me on any social media at all so i dont think i would have even met maria. so sometimes in a weird twisted way im Glad all of that bad stuff happpened bc. if im being honest, if it never happened i wouldnt have moved in with my sister, she would have never shown me tumblr, i would have never made an account and i would have never met maria. n idk thats juts wacky to think about. yeah those events left me with severe trauma n a shit ton of other mental issues but it led me to the girl who kinda saved my life in a way so for that ig im just thankful that all of it happened. i mean yeah i got a fucked up brain now but heehee i have a gf and she makes me happy and i loveve her :]

and idk just !!!!!!!!!!! knowing that in a few years or less we could be moving in with each other,,,,,,,groughg it makes me happy. so happy. and its just so weird to think about bc we've been together for 4 years and in like the first year or two we were togteher we kinda didnt rly vc a whole lot n we couldnt rly video chat so all we rly had was jus talking thru tumblr/discord and we both desperately wanted to see each other but we jus. couldnt. n we wanted to try n raise like $300 or something to come see each other but its kinda funny bc like all we were worried about is seeing each other. we didnt think about like if i would stay with her in her house (she was living in a . very very very very small place at the time) or like if my mom would be coming with me or if the ppl she lived with even like Knew About Me so its kinda funny how we just wanted to meet in person without. actually thinking about it n planning it all out SKJDKJJKG but then we actually did kinda get somewhere this year where like. it was maybe most likely going to happen. i was gonna come visit her and my mom was gonna come n my gf n i were just gonna . visit for a few weeks. unfortuantely that didnt end up happening because someone moved in with us and now we're nearly broke and just straight up cannot afford it but. we're still working on it

but as i was saying its just wild how in the first year or two that wer were together we were so . desperate n upset that we couldnt see each other much. n it was definitely a lil bit rough. n we just kept saying that each day that passes means we're getting closer to seeing each other and like. here we are, 4 years later, with a very slim chance that it might still happen. i mean we still have the rest of july and like early august to plan something out. its a bit late and its very very expensive rn for me and my mom to travel but if we're lucky things might work out. my sister might move out within the nxet month or so, mom might get a raise, she might be able to afford to travel, stuff like that. its a small percentage but its not 0. and plus even if we dont visit we can still vc and video chat when we want to, and plus no matter what happens im STILL going to go live with her n im STILL for sure 100% going to meet her Eventually. lke its for sure gonna happen n its gonna b very epic :]

sorey this is. a lot !!!!!!1 sorey pepper if this is too long or anytihng ik ur used to reading just small gayposts but like i said earlier i am ni a very rambly mood n i want nothing mor than to just make u happy n put a lil smile on ur face befor u go to bed. u make me rly rly happy n ur just very very important to me. i love u so very much hunny,, seep well ,,,, i lob u :] :]

#my lobely beloby..... my scrimblo bimblo !!!!!! my grimbly snibly!!!!!! #luv u :]