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sideblogforweirdshit · 9 months

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Whump Reference Post for Fingernail Removal Torture

Hi whump writers of Tumblr! I recently made a little introduction post in which I said I’d be making reference posts. This is one I already had typed up, because for some reason this was the first thing I thought of.

There are no images attached, but I’m putting the rest of the post under a readmore since the majority of the content is semi-graphic written description of the how-to’s and wherefore’s and such of fingernail removal torture.

To be clear: I will be going into as much depth as I possibly can without using images. The content of this post will be purely academic. There will be no artistic liberties taken. This post is meant to be as accurate to (and descriptive of) a real-life situation as possible.

I hope some part of this post eventually winds up being a helpful resource for someone!

1) Not as painful as it’s made out to be

-It's painful, but definitely not to the extent it’s shown in movies or whatnot. A lot of the "pain" comes from the shock factor of seeing your body without something it’s always had, as well as the inherent "wrongness" that comes with experiencing a part of your body being removed.

2) There is very very thin film of skin between the fingernail and the finger.

-If one is careful in removing the fingernail by peeling it back slowly, one can preserve this thin piece of skin. -If one pulls the fingernail back quickly and without taking care, this thin film will rip, and the nail will pull away with bits of flesh attached.

3) The flesh under the nail will be vertically striated.

-If one uses the peel-back method, and is careful to not let the thin film of skin between the nail and the flesh rip, the skin/flesh underneath the nail will be as visibly striated as the fingernail itself. If you look closely at your fingernail right now, you’ll see that there are many tiny grooves from the tip of your nail to the base. This is true for all human fingernails. If the nail is peeled back with sufficient care, those striations will be echoed on the skin underneath the nail.

4) The “peel entirely off” method versus the "peel back and then stop" method versus the "pull out entirely" method.

-The “peel entirely off” method is how I will refer to the method of grasping firmly the tip of the fingernail in some sort of vice (usually pliers) and then peeling it backwards, moving the pliers from the nail at the tip of the finger towards the hand itself. Using this method, the nail will remain firmly grasped in the pliers the entire time. The movement of the pliers only stops when the base of the nail is ripped entirely out of the finger. This will necessarily result in ripping out a fair bit of skin past the cuticles, as the technical base of the nail (aka “nail matrix”) is generally around half a centimeter hand-wards past the cuticles (and follows the curve of the nail, so is deeper than the cuticles as well). Due to the nature of skin, I would expect a tear reminiscent of an extremely deep hangnail that goes from the base of the cuticles to at least halfway between the first and second knuckle (and at most goes to the second knuckle). In this case, it is not guaranteed that the nail will grow back. There is a chance it’ll come back, but there is also a chance that the nail matrix is permanently damaged and will not be able to grow a new nail. Since every human is different, there’s not an exact science to determining where a person’s nail matrix is before it’s ripped out. A (very) general rule of thumb is to follow the curve of the existing fingernail, and draw a point on that curve before it hits bone. Obviously, this is extremely subjective.

-The “peel back and then stop” method is how I will refer to what is essentially the previous method, but one stops before the nail-ripping goes past the cuticle and snips off the peeled part, leaving a milimeter or so of fingernail existing on the nailbed. In this case, it is assured that the nail matrix is undisturbed, and the fingernail will grow back. This is the method I will assume is taken for the future steps

-The “pull out entirely” method is how I will refer to the situation where one grasps the protruding part of the nail firmly, and applies force away from the hand and in the direction the finger points. In this case, there’s a large chance that the nail will rip. This depends largely on the care taken with the pulling object (pliers, usually) to grab the nail exactly parallel with the sides of the pliers. If any part of the pliers digs into the nail at a singular location, this will create a point at which pressure will build up, and the nail will likely rip at this location. The strength of the individual’s nails also affects the ripping. The individual’s nail strength can vary based on nourishment as well as on a general person-to-person basis. Personally, I do not recommend this method.

-If one wants to make the removal definitely permanent, there’s the possibility of peeling it back all the way down and out, and then chemically burning where one assumes the nail matrix is. (Some serious irl hikers do this to their toenails on purpose, to reduce the chances of getting ingrown toenails from being laced into hiking boots for days on end.) Removing the nail permanently will obviously reduce the opportunity to peel it off again, but will give a permanent Horrific Aspect to the victim.

5) For the first three days, the exposed flesh will be painful.

-The entire tip of the finger will be a constant deep and throbbing pain. Any deviation from this norm will be an increase in pain, never a decrease (save medication or an ice-bath-for-full-minutes immersion to the point of numbness).

-Any contact with the exposed nailbed will increase the pain. Knocking the exposed flesh against anything, even extremely gently, will result in a visible bright red welt under the thin layer of skin (bright red on light skin only! on darker skin, the welt will still be visible, but will show as a dark red-brown). It is a visual similar to an extremely tiny, non-protruding blood blister. Knocking the nailbed against something less gently will result in fully scraping off that delicate outer layer of skin.

-Using the finger for anything will be painful (though not unbearably so), and it may even be painful to bend the finger at all.

-Any moisture on the exposed flesh (including anything from regular water to antibiotic ointment) will hurt a lot. This will intensify the throbbing at least twofold across the entire nailbed, and will also result in an amount of stinging as if one had just realized one had been stung by a bee.

6) For treatment and healing thereof (if quick healing is desired)

For those first three days, any bandaid application is inadvisable -The exposed flesh will be so tender and vulnerable that any bandaid (even the non-stick kind) will stick to the exposed flesh and rip it upon removal. I can only assume this is in part due to the curvature of the finger, which means that any wrapping-around type bandaid will inherently put pressure on the nailbed, resulting in sticking.

-To promote healing, the first three days should be without any sort of covering on the wound.

After the first three days, a scab will form. -At this point, the pain will be much less. it might be uncomfortable to bump the nailbed into objects, but it will not be the same pain as in the first three days.

-The wound will also be much less sensitive to moisture.

-When the scab starts to crack (usually a vertical crack), one should apply antibiotic ointment and a bandaid. At this point in the proess, it is desired for the scab to remain as consistently moist as possibly. This will help the scab fall off when it is ready to do so.

-At this point, the finger can be used normally (within reason) without much (if any) pain.

After two or three days with the bandaid covering, the scab will start to fall off.

-One may expedite this process if one is careful.

-At this point, the skin on the nailbed is sensitive to the touch, but not to the point of pain.

-There will be some dry, loose skin around the edges of the nailbed.

-The previously visible striation will no longer be there.

-Pressure on the exposed nailbed will not be necessarily painful, but it will feel decidedly Odd. Though not painful, It will be an extremely sensitive area.

-The nailbed will be a delicate pinkish color.

Around a week after the initial scab falls off, there will appear to be another scab. It will be a relatively thin layer of dry, dead skin.

-If the nail is allowed to grow normally, it is likely that it will cover this second scab before it has the chance to fall off.

-If the stub of the fingernail is trimmed routinely, it is possible for the scab to fall off, leaving only relatively smooth unblemished skin where the nailbed is. This skin will be roughly the same color and texture as the skin on the tip of the finger.

7) The rate at which fingernails grow back is extremely slow

-The average growth rate is about 3.5 milimeters per month. There are several factors that can cause this to vary:

-Fingernails on the dominant hand grow back faster than the nails on the non-dominant hand.

-Fingernails grow back faster than toenails.

-Nails grow back faster in warm weather than in cold weather.

-Depending on the nail and the aforementioned conditions, one can expect a total regrowth time of anywhere from three to six months (or more).

8) Life Without Fingernails

-Fingernails affect a large part of our everyday lives. We mostly use them when we’re manipulating objects with our hands, and we use them to scratch. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s a lot. It’s hard to explain just how weird it is to not have fingernails to someone who’s never experienced it, but here goes:

-Fingernails are the Hard Backs used to brace our fingers against a hard shell when we manipulate something with our hands. If you pinch your fingers together right now, you’ll see a white band along the top of your fingernail. This is where the pressure from the pinching goes; it’s braced against your nail.

-Picking something up without fingernails feels extremely odd the first few hundred times you do it. It takes a long time to get used to it.

-Writing is even worse. Without the hard shell backing your fingers, the pencil tends to slip out of your grip more often. If you usually have long enough fingernails that you balance your pen/pencil on them, you’re extremely likely to have the pencil completely slip out of your grip multiple times a sentence.

-You don’t realize how much you unconsciously scratch itchy parts of your body until you no longer have the ability to do so. If you’re only missing a few nails, you have to consciously adjust your hand so that you can scratch with the existing ones. If you’re missing all of them, you have to actively find an external object to alleviate the itch.

Some places on the body one can scratch with their teeth, but for most places, one needs to either find an “itch stick,” or rub that part of their body on something scratchy. A lot of clothing is scratchy enough to work for this. One needs to learn how to vary the pressure so that one can alleviate the itch without tearing through the skin or scratching themselves.

Pros:

-Body horror

Fingernail removal is a more mentally significant mutilation than cuts or burns, if only because it draws on the "that was there and now it's not" aspect of body horror.

-Can be inflicted more than once

Since fingernails grow back, they can be removed again and again and again. Though it may take some time for the nails to regrow, it isn't even close to the type of permanent that’s chopping off a finger or a toe.

-Helplessness

Since it takes a few days for the nailbeds to heal enough to be able to use one's fingers, a complete removal of all fingernails will take away one's ability to use their hands. Even after this initial period of extreme sensitivity, the lack of fingernails is something most people aren’t prepared for. The previous section explaining how fingernails affect daily life is significant here.

Cons:

-Can’t repeat often.

Once a fingernail is off, it's not coming back for at least three months (likely longer). It doesn't have the relatively quick reset time that burns or cuts do.

-Relatively short amount of time in pain

All of the pain is in the first few days. It is inconvenient afterwards, but there is little to no pain at this time.

-Amount of care needed

One needs to be relatively careful inflicting this. Fingernails are not as resilient as you'd think, and the likelihood of them ripping before you can finish ripping them off is fairly large if you're not being careful.

If you have a short-tempered or impatient whumper, this might not be their particular wheelhouse.

Conclusion

Overall, I’d say that the effectiveness depends entirely on the desired result. The time it takes for the fingernails to regrow versus the amount of time in which the subject is in pain is not a very productive ratio, so if you’d want your whumper doing a particular torture regularly, I wouldn’t recommend this.

However, if the whumper’s goal is to appeal to the body horror aspect without permanent damage, this is a great option. The fact that it takes nails so long to regrow gives the victim a sense of horrified freakishness. It also has the added benefit of reducing the victim’s maneuverability far after the fact.

The semi-visible nature of this method of torture can be effective if one wishes to horrify characters outside the whumper/whumpee relationship. You don’t immediately look at other people’s hands when you meet them, and as such it might take a while for outside characters to notice the lack of fingernails (especially if they’re past the three day mark). But once they notice, it will be hard to look away.

#whump #whump writing #whumpblr #whump community #whump reference post #this is the post i already had typed up i hope it passes muster #i tried to be as exhaustive as possibly because i KNOW there's so many details one needs when writing a thing #investigative journalism but with injuries that's us here at sbfws #ummm i don't know what to tag this #if y'all want a trigger warning tag for this stuff please let me know?#or if y'all want to be added to a tag list also please let me know??#also also please feel free to make specific post requests if y'all want?#i don't know how timely my responses to them will be but i will FOR SURE try to get to them as soon as i can #just like #if you're a whump writer who fuckin hates having to do research into different types of injuries hit me up!#(especially the weird injuries)#(fingernails are all fine and good but i thrive on the Weird Stuff There's Barely Any Research On you know)#(I really like researching weird niche stuff)#(you'll be doing me a favor if you give me something Decidedly Odd to fixate on)#nail gore #nail whump #hand whump

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nonoqy · 2 months

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i feel like i didn't really say anything publicly which makes me sound maybe too harsh at times but this is where i'm at. sorry i was too lazy to retype all of this so i'm just sharing screenies of my thoughts !

#and to be clear i do believe they deserve to hear harsh words right now! in fact they need it #the backlash has already started to impact them and i think stepping away from content creation for some time could help them even more #i do not blame anyone who decides to stay in the fandom but i just can't do that myself it's exhausting #anyway i wish we can all heal from this as soon as possible and i hope george especially does a lot of thinking and works on himself #no matter what you think about the situation itself his response was just not good at all #being apologetic and empathetic to the person that is visibly hurt by your actions even if you feel like you didn't do anything wrong #is not hard at all. it's actually very easy when you're emotionally mature #and he needs to finally after Twenty Seven Years of his life learn how to handle emotions

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rotisseries · 10 months

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chapters 51 and 58 of bloodmarked are absolutely CARRYING bree/nick/selwyn polyamory truthers

#selwyn is kind of a stupid name I realized as I was typing this. like I've gotten used to it over 2 books but it's so silly. selwyn #anyway. me disappearing for days and only showing up for like 30 minutes to reblog 3 things #and make a nigh incomprehensible post letting you guys know what book I'm reading now (read. I finished it yesterday actually.#now I'm rereading legendborn bc I'm apparently not ready to move on to a new book and also I forgot most of the shit from that book)#anyway I've been on the polyamory train for these 3 since I read legendborn in 2020 but I swear it's only gotten stronger #like what do you MEAN selwyn (magically oathed to protect nick) FEELS SAFER with nick around #THE SAME WAY BREE DOES. AND BOTH SELWYN AND NICK LIKE. AGREE ON HOW MUCH THEY LOVE BREE. AND THERE'S NO WEIRD JEALOUSY ABOUT IT #AND SELWYN CANONICALLY WAS AT ONE POINT IN LOVE WITH NICK????#AND NICK LITERALLY SAYS TO SEL “I CAN'T LOSE YOU AND I WON'T LOSE HER”????#LIKE?????#THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS YOUR STANDARD ASS LOVE TRIANGLE IT'S GOTTA BE AT LEAST A LITTLE POLYAMORUS #IF NOT A FULL TRIANGLE BREE SHOULD AT *LEAST* GET 2 BOYFRIENDS. SHE DESERVES IT #even if it does end up a standard love triangle though this is honestly a genuinely good one #like I genuinely like both love interests neither of them are weird or annoying or creepy about her #anyway. need book 3 out as soon as possible I swear to god I almost can't see how this ends in monogamy #I'm talking about the legendborn series by tracy deonn btw everyone #another arthurian inspired book series which if you saw my other post the other day I swear this isn't intentional #legendborn #bloodmarked #the legendborn cycle #tracy deonn #bree matthews #nick davis #selwyn kane

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forcedhesitation · 7 months

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I MISSED THIS ENTIRELY MY FIRST TIME AROUND....THIS IS SO DAMN PRECIOUS?!!

#bg3 spoilers #thoughts about media #this is so sweet. corydalis would cherish this present to the end of his days.#so nice of mirkon to say we killed the harpies in one blow!#we did not.#I couldn't long rest and reset corydalis' empty spell slots because the scene was glitching and the kid would spawn dead.#so i had to forgo the long rest and just fight them.#and then astarion and karlach kept getting lured by the harpy song!#lae'zel was the only one getting anything done!#and she sure as fuck didn't even want to be there!! i brought her to try and boost her approval...#but it's like. stuck at 6 or something equally abysmal because I keep pissing her off by being too nice.#I didn't realise there was an interaction between her and a tiefling in the grove in my first playthrough...she hated me more after that.#GIRL I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE ZORRU BOW FOR YOU!#like corydalis is a tiefling himself! be real lae'zel!#being nice to zorru got us the information we needed anyways...#astarion for whatever reason didn't complain even though i'm pretty sure being too nice in this interaction is supposed to annoy him.#i'm literally LOOKING for interactions to gain his disapproval!!!!!#BECAUSE HIS APPROVAL WON'T GO DOWN!!!!!!!!!#please my dearest I would like to NOT trigger your first romance scene too soon.#honestly if i could romance him without suffering through that again I would be thrilled. but it is not possible.#REALISTICALLY corydalis wouldn't even fall for his lying. he's ten times better a liar than astarion could ever hope to be.#and he's also extremely kind and caring! there's noooo WAY he'd let astarion's evasiveness slide unmentioned.#BUT ALAS. the game only permits you to avoid this TORMENTUOUS experience if you are playing karlach.#goblin camp is next though. I'm SURE I can earn disapproval there with him.#he may be allergic to disagreeing with my tiefling but this is still act 1 astarion! he is a bitter HATER with no healthy outlet.#I just have to like. oh I don't know. offer to help some random npc and ask for nothing in return.

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undead-dreams-of-overmorrow · 7 months

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a little song i made myself ^-^

i had a little hiccup on the chords on the chorus and the recording setup i have rn isnt great cause my guitar is waaay louder than my voice (also im still emulating ukulele on a classical guitar) but yeah whatever we ball here

lyrics under cut

aren't we restricted with this simple system of what any of us can be or do

aren't we behind things when we tell our children don't play with dolls, don't play with cars but what's this thing we do

we're forcing things that don't make sense we're placing them in molds we pressed but what's a spork to do in a world for forks and spoons

Is this what life turned to be Why are things a binary Perhaps life's a simulation It's just a 0-1 dimension

we're forcing things that don't make sense we're placing them in molds we pressed but what's purple to do in a world of red and blue

#green bear spam #gb music #i genuinely do not recall what tag i used for the covers live previously posted #its been so long #gb art #green bear art #< cause music is art too and i can use the tag however i want #also i doubt ill draw too much anytime soon. tho i do want to try a silly inktober #also also i do have another shorter original song #and ultimately the goal is to upload them on in higher quality on my yt channel #but i need to figure out a setup #and possibly record the instrumental and voice separately #which might be a pain to sync afterwards #indie music #ukulele

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cerise-on-top · 2 months

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Hiya!!! I'm new and I really like your fics:)

Maybe a Hank, Deimos, and Sanford (separate) with a S/O who is a bit insecure about their weight or curves?

Hey there! Thank you, that's very kind of you! Here you go :-)

Hank, Sanford and Deimos with an Insecure!S/O

Hank: He’s probably one of the worst people to go to when you’re insecure about something, anything at all. If you have a problem with your weight, then just lose some, it’s not that hard. It would take some convincing on your behalf for him to even understand a little bit that it’s not that simple, that it takes time and dedication and is just a pain in general. It’s not that he doesn’t care, but he doesn’t really know how to show that he does. He doesn’t have a way with words, he’s not very cuddly either. But if he sees just how much your weight and your curves bother you, he’ll try a bit harder to cheer you up. Although his words may seem harsh, he means well when it comes to you. Besides, he can just pick you up still, he’s always benefitted from a naturally good physique, so I doubt he won’t be able to. Will sometimes pick you up to show you that it’s not that bad. He loves you, he just doesn’t know how to show it properly. While he won’t ever comment on your appearance, aside from you being cute, he’ll try to help you otherwise. If you ever mention to him how you feel unworthy of being loved, he’ll tell you that it really isn’t a big deal to him. Hank wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t love you beyond that. Might get annoyed if you’re too insecure too often, but he won’t let it out on you. At one point, he’ll likely tell you to shut up and tell you the reasons why he thinks you are beautiful. Again, he’s not very eloquent, but he tries. Anyone who dares to make a mean comment about you will wind up dead very quickly.

Sanford: He has a healthy layer of chub himself, but he’s not insecure about it in the slightest. However, if you show any signs of insecurity about anything, he’s probably the best person to go to. Sanford is a very understanding guy and would try his darndest to make you feel better. You’re gorgeous, you should know as much, but it’s okay if you’re not aware of that fact just yet, you’ll get there eventually. He’s not too eloquent either, but he’ll tell you just how beautiful you are. Your softness is something to be cherished in rough and harsh Nevada. Definitely not above picking you up, laying you down on the nearest soft surface and just holding you for the time being. His hand will be above your stomach so he can squeeze it every once in a while. It just feels nice to him. You’re warm, you’re soft, you’re safe and for once he doesn’t have to worry about getting killed by some no one. Will also use your tummy as the perfect pillow if he ever feels like it, all the while complimenting you on how cute you are and how comfortable he is in the moment. Doesn’t take too kindly to someone else being mean to you. In fact, he doesn’t take too kindly to you being mean to yourself either. If it’s someone else who is making you insecure, then they’ll either wind up dead or with a few broken bones. If you’re being a downer then he’ll cuddle you and nuzzle into you all the while listing all the things he loves about you. It’s his goal to either get you to smile again by the time he’s done, or maybe even hear you giggle a bit. You’re the most wonderful grunt in Nevada, he wants you to be doing well, mentally and physically.

Deimos: If you ever mention around him that you feel as though you’re not pretty enough due to being curvy, then he’ll tell you that that’s fucking bullshit. Not only do you have a lovely personality, you’re also smoking hot to him. That’s one of the reasons why Deimos ended up with you in the first place, you’re everything he was looking for. Since you’re always there for him whenever he needs it, he’ll do the same for you. Like Sanford, he’ll compliment you on your appearance. You’re sexy as fuck, you should be aware of that. You’re royalty, you should carry yourself as such and watch everyone around you go green with envy. Although he hugs you fairly often as it is, he’ll do so more often from now on, just so he can squeeze you in his arms and feel how soft you are. You’ve got the perfect body and Deimos couldn’t have asked for anyone better. Besides, food is scarce in Nevada, you being chubby just means that you’re eating well, another reason why all those other grunts should be jealous of you and worship you instead. Again, if someone ends up being rude towards you, then he’ll break their skull or shoot them. Deimos has his ways of making someone’s life a living hell and he’s not afraid to use them when it comes to you. He’ll hug you, he’ll cuddle you, he’ll compliment you in a vulgar way as well, but you really need to realise your worth. Although it’s hard for him to abstain from touching you, on some days he won’t give you a kiss until you’ve said something nice about your appearance, that’s just how it be then. However, once you’re being nicer to yourself, he’ll go back to his usual self and smother you in love.

#madness combat #madness combat x reader #hank j wimbleton #hank j wimbleton x reader #sanford #sanford x reader #deimos #deimos x reader #I haven't written for these guys in forever I really need to get back into writing for them #I wish I had more time to do anything at all but alas I don't have the time to reread most of my old stuff #either way they'd be very supportive in their own ways. even Hank even if it may not look like he's even trying #he's just a rude and mean grunt by nature he can't help it. but he will try for you #but sometimes you just need you favorite character's approval and they'll give it to you #you're gorgeous either way. Sanford and Deimos will let you know that in any way possible #I'm also gonna go back to my old posting schedule. so I'll only be posting once a day since that's more comfortable for me #that way I won't need to stress out too much about writing and have some more free time as well when I need it #which i will need considering I'll be studying for my driver's license soon enough #I wanna get a good score and get it as soon as possible in all honesty so that that's over with

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cyberp-1-nk · 4 months

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I thought you were just joking when you said you were obsessed with Homelander. You weren't.

WHY IS IT ALL OVER YOUR REBLOG PAGE? IT'S ALL JUST HOMELANDER. I WAS SCROLLING FOR FIVE FUCKING MINUTES.

DUDE I'M SORRY - BUT HE'S SO FINE. I'm sick and tired of pretending that I don't wanna squish his man tits, and call him my babygirl. I have to live in a society where I have to pretend like I WOULDN'T allow and tolerate his possessive behavior. I'm tired of pretending that I wanna fix him. I don't. I wanna make him WORSE. I would 100% be his enabler.

"It's us against the world babyboy😫💔🥀🖤⛓️"

#i'm /j but also not /j #these anons are coming for my Homelander obsession and its scary #god what I'd do to have to have him lay on my lap #homelander is hot.#i'm gonna release a fic about him on my sideblog soon #I want that man so bad yall have NO IDEA #i'd probably keep a cow in my HOUSE just to give him the best possible quality of milk. i don't trust them companies.#“well actually raw cow milk is bad🤓-” SHUT UP NOT IF I MAKE IT WITH LOVE #wait technically im not making it #unless..#i'd literally shapeshift into a cow for him #i'm very downbad #homelander #i just realized that I can legit produce milk on my own 💀 so I wouldn’t even need to shapeshift into a cow wtf #i'm so stupid #i have a job interview today and this is what I'm doing instead.#says a lot about my character #sobs.#hes just so fine #homelander is my babygirl #thank you to the homelander writers on tumblr. you guys are my reason for rolling out of bed in the morning.#i'm being 100% serious btw #anyways #homelander x you #ฅ'ω'ฅ 𝐌𝐫𝐬. 𝐒𝐚𝐱𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐭

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meimi-haneoka · 4 months

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{drabble} I'm here - Akiho/Kaito

Alright, how do you do any of this...😂

I guess what you need to know it's that it is a Akiho x Kaito / YunaAki drabble, it's based on canon (set 3 weeks after the series ended), and it's based on the assumption that, differently from what the ENG translation said in ch. 80, in the JP Sakura affirmed that thanks to his stopped time Kaito wouldn't be hurting more than that...this means that his seizures would continue, just they wouldn't get worse than what we've seen till now.

This is mainly a hurt/comfort drabble, with glimpses of happiness. After all, Akiho is happy with him. And it's mainly a way for me to vent some complex feelings about the finale of Clear Card. I have a Kaito POV on the way (edit: here's the link, go read it after you finished this one!), but it's more difficult to write for him (and, uh, more depressing) so it'll come in the next days.

Easter egg: a line is a direct reference to the lyrics of Anata by Hikaru Utada. 😉

I'm not a native English speaker so forgive me if any line sounds weird!

Finally, I have to thank the "enabler" dandelion-stuff-and-fluff (not tagging in case you don't want to!) for giving immediately support to my whims! 😂

Excerpt:

I could feel the tears emerging, but I kicked all of them back, as I threw my 13-year-old self out of the window and summoned the part of me that helped me survive all these years. The resilient one.

Akiho's POV

Three weeks had passed by, from that fateful night.

Most of our stuff was packed, and our days were spent between checking everything for the imminent departure and hanging out with Sakura-san and the rest of the group, making the most out of the remaining time. Everyone was so lovely to us, showing all the support we needed. I really felt like I had acquired a family in Tomoeda, and the thought of it made me incredibly happy. I was going to miss them so much. Just like I would miss this big mansion full of memories.... and mysterious protective forces, apparently, as I was told by him.

Kaito-san revealed to me that when we came to Tomoeda almost one year prior, he had chosen this mansion specifically to protect me, as I was carrying a dangerous magical artifact that my own clan had engraved in me. We talked quite a lot over the span of those three weeks, and swallowing the truth had been hard, at first. But all of that was gone now and like waking up from a nightmare, the memories of it were getting more and more hazy as time went on. Only a permanent scar remained.

Both of us were in the kitchen, cooking dinner. The clang of kitchen utensils, the sizzle in the frying pan made me strangely happy. It sounded warm. It sounded normal. I love cooking with him. This was the corner of the house where we declared to each other how much we cherished one another, without even fully realizing it.

“Akiho-san, could you hand me the salt?” “Here you go!” I said, smiling brightly at him. He smiled back at me in that soft way that made my knees weak. God, please, give me this for the rest of my life. Every day, immutably.

“Done! We’re ready.” Removing our aprons, we were getting ready to bring everything to the table.

And then I saw it.

He stopped in his tracks, his complexion paling by the second.

Another one was coming. My blood ran cold, and I rushed to the other side of the room, while he slowly crouched to the ground, out of breath, groaning in pain. Each cry stabbed me in the chest like a knife. I could feel the tears emerging, but I kicked all of them back, as I threw my 13-year-old self out of the window and summoned the part of me that helped me survive all these years. The resilient one. I hastily opened a cabinet and took out a finely decorated small box, toppling other items in the process. I didn't care. Hiiragizawa-san had sent us, through a magic portal, a series of pills he made weaving a complex magic spell over them, to help Kaito-san cope with the seizures. He said they wouldn't do any miracle, but hopefully they could reduce the duration of the seizures and ease the pain a little bit. Cause the pain he was experiencing wasn’t caused by anything ordinary, and no ordinary medicine would’ve been effective.

I grabbed a towel, flung it over my shoulder and ran back to Kaito-san with a glass of water, spilling some of it in the process. I watched him as he struggled to swallow both the pill and the water.

How many times did he experience this excruciating pain, completely alone? How many times did he force himself to not crumble down in front of me, to protect my peace of mind? Just thinking back to all the times I could feel something was not right, and how he tried to deceive me to keep dealing with it all alone.... it brought back in me an anger I didn't know what to do with.

Yes, I didn't get over it yet. The wound was still so fresh. But we agreed that we would’ve dealt with this together, from now on. ...And just like that, the fit of anger quickly vanished, as a gentle feeling got a hold of me, and I began unbuttoning the collar of his shirt to let him breath better, then dabbing his damp forehead with the towel. "It's okay.... it's okay... I'm here" I whispered softly, like a lullaby.

As if surrendering himself to me, he held onto my arms and leaned over, trying to regain control of his breathing. I supported him, thanking in my head a hundred times that his time was halted. Yes, we were trying to look for a way to eventually make it flow again, but it was in moments like these that I remembered how numbing the fear to lose him again was. I couldn't live with that. With that feeling of hollowness. Not again.

That's why, I said to myself, this time I would've done anything in my power to not lose him, come what may. I wouldn't have spared any effort. Losing him would’ve been a hundred times more devastating than the pain I was feeling in that moment, seeing him in those conditions. After all, he was feeling like that because of me.

“Momo...please give me strength”, I thought, missing my beloved bunny more than ever. Who knows how many times she had witnessed all of that, and how she dealt with it. I could’ve used some advice in that moment.

His ragged breath became more regular, the pill was starting to kick in. He raised his head and looked at me. Those eyes I loved so much, now covered by a mysterious dark fog - a remnant of the dragon appearance, as they explained to me – seemed to regain finally focus. His face was so close to mine. In another situation, in another more oblivious period, there’s no doubt my heart would've exploded from embarrassment, red in the face like a tomato. But right now, I was preoccupied with something completely different, as I looked at him holding nothing but worry and sadness in my eyes.

"I'm sorry...", he whispered.

I could feel my heart catching fire, and it reminded how much I love him, despite being so hurt by his reckless behavior. But I didn't answer to his apology. Cause that wasn't what I wanted to hear from him.

Instead, I asked him “can you stand up?” and helped propping him up when he nodded. We proceeded slowly towards the couch in the living room, where I helped him lying down. Despite having tons of lovely memories here, this house was starting to be a bit too big for us and for emergencies of this kind. Hiiragizawa-san's pills had a sedative that inevitably caused Kaito-san to fall asleep, to recuperate. He looked so exhausted. I arranged some cushions on the ground and sat down beside the couch, watching him closing his eyes and drifting quickly into sleep. I moved some of his hair to the side and dabbed the towel over his forehead one more time. Then I went back to stare at his peaceful face, lost in thought. Was I truly prepared for this, when I decided that the life I wanted was this one? Probably not. Would I have chosen anything else? Absolutely not. Being with him is my happiness, after all.

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