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be-gay-do-heists · 3 years

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hello yall :) the holy month of elul started last night, which is typically a time for contemplation, so since it is impossible for me to stop thinking about leverage, i decided to write an essay. hope anyone interested in reading it enjoys, and that it makes at least a little sense!! spoilers for leverage redemption

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Leverage, Judaism, and “Doing the Work”: An Essay for Elul

When it comes to Elul and the approaching High Holidays, Leverage might seem like an odd topic to meditate on.

The TNT crime drama that ran from 2008-2012, and which released a new season this summer following its renewal, centers on a group of found-family thieves who help the victims of corporations and oligarchs (sometimes based on real-world examples), using wacky heists and cons to bring down the rich and powerful. In one episode, the team’s clients want to reclaim their father’s prized Glimt piece that had been stolen in the Shoah and never returned, but aside from this and the throwaway lines and jokes standard for most mainstream television, there’s not a ton textually Jewish about Leverage. However, despite this, I have found that the show has strong resonance among Jewish fans, and lots of potential for analysis along Jewish themes. This tends to focus on one character in particular: the group’s brilliant, pop culture-savvy, and personable hacker, Alec Hardison, played by the phenomenally talented Aldis Hodge.

I can’t remember when or where I first encountered a reading of Hardison as Jewish, but not only is this a somewhat popular interpretation, it doesn’t feel like that much of a leap. In the show itself, Hardison has a couple of the aforementioned throwaway lines that potentially point to him being Jewish, even if they’re only in service of that moment’s grift. It’s hard to point to what exactly makes reading Hardison as Jewish feel so natural. My first guess is the easy way Hardison fits into the traditional paradigms of Jewish masculinity explored by scholars such as Daniel Boyarin (2). Most of the time, the hacker is not portrayed as athletic or physical; he is usually the foil to the team’s more physically-adept characters like fighter Eliot, or thief Parker. Indeed, Hardison’s strength is mental, expressed not only through his computer wizardry but his passions for science, technology, music, popular media, as well as his studious research into whatever scenario the group might come up against. In spite of his self-identification as a “geek,” Hardison is nevertheless confident, emotionally sensitive, and secure in his masculinity. I would argue he is representative of the traditional Jewish masculine ideal, originating in the rabbinic period and solidified in medieval Europe, of the dedicated and thoughtful scholar (3). Another reason for popular readings of Hardison as Jewish may be the desire for more representation of Jews of color. Although mainstream American Jewish institutions are beginning to recognize the incredible diversity of Jews in the United States (4), and popular figures such as Tiffany Haddish are amplifying the experiences of non-white Jews, it is still difficult to find Jews of color represented in popular media. For those eager to see this kind of representation, then, interpreting Hardison, a black man who places himself tangential to Jewishness, in this way is a tempting avenue.

Regardless, all of the above remains fan interpretation, and there was little in the text of the show that seriously tied Judaism into Hardison’s identity. At least, until we got this beautiful speech from Hardison in the very first episode of the renewed show, directed at the character of Harry Wilson, a former corporate lawyer looking to atone for the injustice he was partner to throughout his career:

“In the Jewish faith, repentance, redemption, is a process. You can’t make restitution and then promise to change. You have to change first. Do the work, Harry. Then and only then can you begin to ask for forgiveness. [...] So this… this isn’t the win. It’s the start, Harry.”

I was floored to hear this speech, and thrilled that it explained the reboot’s title, Leverage: Redemption. Although not mentioned by its Hebrew name, teshuvah forms the whole basis for the new season. Teshuvah is the concept of repentance or atonement for the sins one has committed. Stemming from the root shuv/shuva, it carries the literal sense of “return.” In a spiritual context, this usually means a return to G-d, of finding one’s way back to holiness and by extension good favor in the eyes of the Divine. But equally important is restoring one’s relationships with fellow humans by repairing any hurt one has caused over the past year. This is of special significance in the holy month of Elul, leading into Rosh haShanah, the Yamim Noraim, and Yom Kippur, but one can undertake a journey of redemption at any point in time. That teshuvah is a journey is a vital message for Harry to hear; one job, one reparative act isn’t enough to overturn years of being on the wrong side of justice, to his chagrin. As the season progresses, we get to watch his path of teshuvah unfold, with all its frustrations and consequences. Harry grows into his role as a fixer, not only someone who can find jobs and marks for the team, but fixes what he has broken or harmed.

So why was Hardison the one to make this speech?

I do maintain that it does provide a stronger textual basis for reading Hardison as Jewish by implication (though the brief on-screen explanation for why he knows about teshuvah, that his foster-parent Nana raised a multi-faith household, is important in its own merit, and meshes well with his character traits of empathy and understanding for diverse experiences). However, beyond this, Hardison isn’t exactly an archetypical model for teshuvah. In the original series, he was the youngest character of the main ensemble, a hacking prodigy in the start of his adult career, with few mistakes or slights against others under his belt. In one flashback we see that his possibly first crime was stealing from the Bank of Iceland to pay off his Nana’s medical bills, and that his other early hacking exploits were in the service of fulfilling personal desires, with only those who could afford to pay the bill as targets. Indeed, in the middle of his speech, Hardison points to Eliot, the character with the most violent and gritty past who views his work with the Leverage team as atonement, for a prime example of ongoing teshuvah. So while no one is perfect and everyone has a reason for doing teshuvah, this question of why Hardison is the one to give this series-defining speech inspired me to look at his character choices and behavior, and see how they resonate with a different but interrelated Jewish principle, that of tikkun olam.

Tikkun olam is literally translated as “repairing the world,” and can take many different forms, such as protecting the rights of vulnerable people in society, or giving tzedakah (5). In modern times, tikkun olam is often the rallying cry for Jewish social activists, particularly among environmentalists for whom literally restoring the health of the natural world is the key goal. Teshuvah and tikkun olam are intertwined (the former is the latter performed at an interpersonal level) and both hold a sense of fixing or repairing, but tikkun olam really revolves around a person feeling called to address an injustice that they may have not had a personal hand in creating. Hardison’s sense of a universal scale of justice which he has the power to help right on a global level and his newfound drive to do humanitarian work, picked up sometime after the end of the original series, make tikkun olam a central value for his character. This is why we get this nice bit of dialogue from Eliot to Hardison in the second episode of the reboot, when the latter’s outside efforts to organize international aid start distracting him from his work with the team: “Is [humanitarian work] a side gig? In our line of work, you’re one of the best. But in that line of work… you’re the only one, man.” The character who most exemplifies teshuvah reminds Hardison of his amazing ability to effect change for the better on a huge stage, to do some effective tikkun olam. It’s this acknowledgement of where Hardison can do the most good that prompts the character’s absence for the remainder of the episodes released thus far, turning his side gig into his main gig.

With this in mind, it will be interesting to see where Hardison’s arc for this season goes. Separated from the rest of the team, the hacker still has remarkable power to change the world, because it is, after all, the “age of the geek.” However, he is still one person. For all that both teshuvah and tikkun olam are individual responsibilities and require individual decision-making and effort, the latter especially relies on collective work to actually make things happen. Hardison leaving is better than trying to do humanitarian work and Leverage at the same time, but there’s only so long he can be the “only one” in the field before burning out. I’m reminded of one of the most famous (for good reason) maxims in Judaism:

It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither are you free to neglect it. (6)

Elul is traditionally a time for introspection and heeding the calls to repentance. After a year where it’s never been easier to feel powerless and drained by everything going on around us, I think it’s worth taking the time to examine what kind of work we are capable of in our own lives. Maybe it’s fixing the very recent and tangible hurts we’ve left behind, like Harry. Maybe it’s the little changes for the better that we make every day, motivated by our sense of responsibility, like Eliot. And maybe it’s the grueling challenge of major social change, like Hardison. And if any of this work gets too much, who can we fall back on for support and healing? Determining what needs repair, working on our own scale and where our efforts are most helpful, and thereby contributing to justice in realistic ways means that we can start the new year fresh, having contemplated in holiday fashion how we can be better agents in the world.

Shana tovah u’metukah and ketivah tovah to all (7), and may the work we do in the coming year be for good!

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(1) Disclaimer: everybody’s fandom experiences are different, and this is just what I’ve picked up on in my short time watching and enjoying this show with others.

(2) See, for example, the introduction and first chapter of Boyarin’s book Unheroic Conduct: The Rise of Heterosexuality and the Invention of the Jewish Man (I especially recommend at least this portion if you are interested in queer theory and Judaic studies). There he explores the development of Jewish masculinity in direct opposition to Christian masculine standards.

(3) I might even go so far as to place Hardison well within the Jewish masculine ideal of Edelkayt, gentle and studious nobility (although I would hesitate to call him timid, another trait associated with Edelkayt). Boyarin explains that this scholarly, non-athletic model of man did not carry negative associations in the historical Jewish mindset, but was rather the height of attractiveness (Boyarin, 2, 51).

(4) Jews of color make up 20% of American Jews, according to statistics from Be’chol Lashon, and this number is projected to increase as American demographics continue to change: https://globaljews.org/about/mission/.

(5) Tzedakah is commonly known as righteous charity. According to traditional authority Maimonides, it should be given anonymously and without embarrassment to the person in need, generous, and designed to help the recipient become self-sufficient.

(6) Rabbi Tarfon, Pirkei Avot, 2:16

(7) “A good and sweet year” and “a good inscription [in the Book of Life]”

#leverage #miko speaks #jewish stuff #jumblr #leverage redemption #spoilers #lr spoilers #leverage redemption spoilers #written for a non leverage audience because i want my rabbi to read it alskdjflaksdjf #elul

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blackradandmad · 3 years

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why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

#lil rambles #long post t #idk why it's formatted like this ig cos i copy pasted from my fb?#whatever anyway idk why i waste my writing skills on shit literally nobody else but me cares abt #blippi #children's television

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spiltscribbles · 3 years

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The One Where No One Is Ready

~Notes: I’m reposting this because I deleted the series off of AO3 <3<3

Send Me A Friends Storyline/Prompt | A Reblog Means EVERYTHING!

Their is T minus forty-five minutes until James is expected to enter the arena for this year’s Espy awards, where he— a longterm representative of the UK’s top athletes, with a social media following that can rival a B list celebrity’s— will be presenting the award for the best international football player, and rumor has it that Ludo fucking Bagman is going to win. This is a dream come true— more than that even! This is a once in a lifetime opportunity! And it was thanks to his mentor, Minerva McGonagall, that he even can do something that he’s dreamt of doing since his days playing in the child leagues as a lad. It’s going to be one of the best nights of his bloody life. So it only makes sense that his sodding best friends aren’t even taking this with an ounce of seriousness. In fact, instead of doing the decent thing and getting ready as efficiently as possible, those pricks are lounging over the breakfast table goading Sirius into drinking the fat from the icebox that Lily stored for whichever cooking masterpiece she is sure to whip up later this week. Not a one of them even showered.

Bloody blunders.

“Oi, Moons,” Sirius crows loudly, grinning wolfishly down at him with a glint in his steely eyes and a smirk on his face. “Promise if I chug this down you’ll give us a little kiss.”

James feels a migraine coming on.

“In your dreams Black,” Remus retorts, wrinkling his nose disapprovingly, while Marlene only guffaws and James feels his head literally beginning to pulse with pure exasperation.

Absolute pricks..

“You gits, we’ve got less than an hour till we have to call the cabs. Will you all just get dressed for Christ’s sake.”

“No need for the snappy tone Prongs.” Sirius says with a cluck to his tongue.

“It’ll take us only a tick to get ready,” Remus says, waving him off airily. And James really regrets the fact that he’s moved in with Sirius now that James and Lily are in marital bliss. Sirius’s a bad influence on him, and James should’ve predicted as much.

“Besides, ’s not my fault your wife’s hogging the bathroom,” Marlene tacks on— having dashed over here after her shift at the same firm as James, still dressed in her slacks and leather jacket.

“Well Marls, you don’t have to get your hair done now that you’ve chopped it off as short as your ears,” Lily defends herself as she steps out the aforementioned bathroom in James’s powder blue robe, thankfully her makeup is set and hair is pulled back into an artful bun and she’s as beautiful as ever. James can’t help but feel his insides go all goopy and his stomach begins to tumble every time she even looks his way, especially when she smiles that private little grin that she only uses on him.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph does he love her to his very core, tells her as much once kissing her softly amidst the groans of the other three. “You are my angel.”

“I know,” Lily preens, green eyes bright and dimples in full effect. “Now I’ve just got to pick out what to wear and we can go.”

James thanks her profusely before pivoting back around to Marlene, begs her to get on with it already.

“Alright, alright potter. God you men only like to rush, no time for foreplay.”

“I like foreplay,” Remus contends as he sits on the loveseat and begins flipping through a magazine Lily’s left laying around, which makes it so Sirius’s face goes wrecked and pale and very nearly makes the cup of fat in his hand fall to the ground— is only saved by James’s old footie reflexes.

“Get it the fuck together man,” James hisses with a glower. But then quickly amends, “But not tonight. Tonight just get dressed for fuck’s sake.” There is absolutely no time to deal with this melodrama between Sirius and Remus that basically amounts to heady glances and licked lips and sexual tension that’s frankly obscene.

Sirius swallows down, hard, and gives a perfunctory nod, but instead of walking across the hall to bloody change already, he only sits besides Remus and grins at him in a very scary, very intense way. James is almost convinced that poor Moony will end up naked and swaddled in saran wrap— Dexter style— by the end of the night. But he can’t warn him considering that there’s a knock to the door and he finds Dorcas—

beautiful and elegant in a pale yellow dress that contrasts in a lovely way against her dark brown skin— on the other side. “You look fantastic.” James breathes out, worshipingly.

“I know,” Dorcas beams as she struts in, helping herself to the pita crisps and hummus left out. “But don’t let Marls hear you else she gets all pouty.”

“Do not!” Marlene yells from the loo, to which Dorcas only silently mouths, does so, over James’s shoulder to a snickering Sirius.

“Right, well seeing as the ladies are all accounted for, we’re just waiting for Wormtail and you berks,” he points angrily at the pair now arguing over the remote.

“Don’t get your knickers in a twist, Minnie can be left waiting,” Sirius snorts.

“Our table is at the very front Pads! She’ll see us walking in late! And then they might give my slot to that prick Mulciber!”

“A travesty,” Sirius intones.

“He might be on to something Pads,” Remus points out. “It takes an hour just for you to primp your hair.”

“Rome wasn’t built in a day Moony!”

“Are you implying that your hair is as extravagant as Rome? Because I think you might be seriously over estimating yourself.” Remus leers, and Sirius only gapes at the lip. God, if James has to watch them dancing around each other for another day he’s going to go rudding gray at the temples.

“You are a plonker Lupin!” Remus narrowly avoids Sirius’s punch aimed for his shoulder, and scurries off across the hall, Sirius’s gaze never leaving his arse all the while.

“That’s lewd,” Dorcas tells him.

“Pitiful from where I’m looking at it.” James snorts.

Sirius only glowers and tosses them the bird. “Come off it.”

“I bet you’d like to come off with’m.” Dorcas sneers, and James actually let’s himself laugh at the increasingly reddening face Sirius has just pulled in retort. Thankfully, none of his curses have a chance to spill out because of Peter strolling in— clad in a suit that’s a little short on the legs and a little tight in the middle. But he looks presentable at least, which is more than what Sirius could say.

“What’s wrong Pete?” Dorcas asks him as she perches on the armrest of the sofa.

“What do you mean what’s wrong? He’s dressed. He’s brilliant!” James beams, clapping him on the shoulder, noticing a beat too late how Peter’s acting a bit dodgy— hands rinsing in front of him and eyes darting every which way.

“I messaged Marry.”

“Oh Pete.”

“Bloody hell.”

“Why the fuck would you do that!”

The three of them chorus in various tones of disappointment.

“She, erm. Well She posted this picture of her at home with her puppy and I saw a sweater.”

“A sweater?” Sirius repeats, wry as all get out.

“A man’s sweater I mean.”

Dorcas rolls her eyes at him now. “Sweaters don’t have genders Peter.”

“Well this one did!” Peter fumes indignantly.

James raises his hands, as if he’s calming a spooked animal. “All right, all right. It was a man’s sweater. What did you message her bout it?”

Peter ducks his head once more, flushing pink. “I asked if her new boyfriend is as allergic to Pippa as I was.” Queue another round of discontent moaning.

“You bloody imbecile.” Sirius groans.

“It all just happened so quickly!”

“Things Sirius’s conquests say on their walk of shame for a thousand Alex,” Remus snickers as he steps back inside, fitted in an admittedly fetching, charcoal suit and a different colored tie in each of his hands. “Oh, you all look shifty.”

“Don’t ever criticize my shagging prowess again Lupin!”

“Peter made a mess of things with Marry,” Dorcas says before Sirius can get on one of his tangents.

“Oh Pete.”

“It happened so quickly,” he tries to explain once more.

Remus only shakes his head and pats his shoulder agreeably. “Sure it did.”

“Well did she read it yet?” Dorcas asks.

“Erm, she was online when I sent her the snap.”

“Oh Peter,” they all groan.

“I need a minute.” He says before retreating to the balcony.

James checks his watch, exactly a half an hour until they all have to go. No time for Peter’s dramatics. Maybe tomorrow James’ll buy him a pint and let him cry over it but they really need to get on with things already.

“C’mon pads, get up.” Remus instructs, trying to tug him off the couch, to which Sirius only smirks.

“You forfeited when you got up Lupin.”

“Oi! I got up to get dressed so James wouldn’t go barmy on us!”

“And I thank you Remus my sweet.” James pipes in while handing Marlene her bag of clothes she had left by the table.

“Pshaw, doesn’t matter. You left it.”

“I left for like five bloody minutes you arse!” Remus shouts.

“So you agree then,” Sirius counters with a cocked brow. “You left it.”

James has to deftly pull Remus away before he pounces on him. “Padfoot don’t be a wanker and just get up and get dressed, won’t you.”

Sirius eyes them both before a look James can’t decipher passes across his face, leaving behind a grim determination. “Righto mates.” He leaps up right then, snatching the cushions up with him, and swaggering off.

“Oi! What the hell Padfoot!”

“I gave you the seat Lupin.”

“But— But—“ Remus sputters. “You took the cushions! That’s the entire ruddy essence of the seat!”

“That’s right Lupin!” Sirius glows with far too much smugness for the situation at hand. “I took your essence!”

Remus is left balking after him and James promptly chugs down a handful of Ibuprofen.

“All right boys?” Marlene asks as she strolls out the bathroom in her black dress and heals, pecking Dorcas hello..

“I’m going to murder Sirius bloody Black with my bare hands,” Remus answers, fists tight around his ties and his face scrunched up mulishly.

“I’ll help!” Dorcas crows, before beaming at Lily who’s just clambered in— half dressed with a shawl in one hand and a different blouse entirely in the other.

“Do you guys reckon I should wear this with my purple pumps, or those new flats I got with a nice pair of slacks.”

“Lily, my love, the angel of my heart, the stars of my night,” James begins, a hand against his chest. “We’ve got twenty-seven minutes till we have to be downstairs.”

“Oh I know love, I just want to look nice for you and your big night,” she says poutingly, kisses his cheek before glancing over at the girls. “Wotcher Dorcas, you and Marlene look lovely.”

“I know,” Dorcas preens.”

“You’re in a jaunty mood?”

“She’s helping Lupin murder Black later tonight,” Marlene explains, lips curled with laughter.

“Oh lovely.”

“I’ll show him essence,” Remus growls from where he’s still holding vigil to the shut door.

James rolls back his head now, eyes alone definitely not cutting it anymore. “Damn everything.”

“Oh Re you look so smart in that suit,” Lily crows, walking over to him, but begins to cluck her tongue. “But neither of those ties match.”

Sirius used the rest of my ties to use as a rope for his halloween costume last month.”

“Of course he did.”

“He’s dead Lily.”

Lily smooths back his hair dotingly. “Sure he is darling, now c’mon. James has got a wonderful velvet tie that would look ravishing with this fit.” Remus lets Lily drag him away while Still muttering about Sirius and essences and the god forsaken guillotine of all things.

“There’s a video!” Peter shouts as he rushes back inside— blonde hair mussed and cheeks reddening as bright as Lily’s hair.

“Bloody hell Peter!” Marlene scolds, hand pressed to her chest. “Don’t be a git and scare us like that.”

Peter only repeats the fact that there’s a video— of what? James does not know nor does he want to find out. God he just wants them to act mentally sound for one damn night.

“A video!”

“Settle yourself Peter,” Dorcas scolds, a hand on her hip and a scowl twisting her pretty face. James reckons that if she were his history teacher in secondary school he might’ve actually been scared enough not to fall asleep. “Now explain yourself.”

“Mary posted a video of Pippa rolling over and there was a bloke in the background laughing along!”

“You saw a random bloke?” Marlene asks.

“No but I heard’m! Clear as day.”

Dorcas sighs, clamping a hand over his shoulder in solace. “Eh, think logically Peter, you lot only split up a couple weeks ago. I seriously doubt Mary’s gone off and shagged someone else so soon.”

“But I heard’m! Maybe she finally realized she could do better.”

“Oh none of that bollocks Peter Pettigrew.” Marlene bellows, joining her girlfriend to stand in front of him now. “Oi, wasn’t she close with that younger brother of her’s?”

Before Marlene’ even finished asking the question, Peter’s worried expression melts away, brightening ten fold and beginning to grin like an absolute lune. “Oi McKinnon! You bloody genius! Your right! It’s Marcus! It’s definitely Marcus!”

“Brilliant!” James hurriedly interjects, the time ticking down to only twenty minutes left. “It was obviously, certainly Marcus this entire time. Now why don’t you be a doll Peter and call us the cabs, I don’t want to risk not grabbing one in time. Especially in this miserable weather.”

Peter nods cheerily, picking up his mobile and idly noting that he’s begun to feel a bit peckish.

“There’s some fat in the fridge if you want,” Marlene calls after him, her snickering dining down once the front door to the flat swings open to a harried looking Sirius. James is about ready to row considering that the only notable differences seem to be the fact he’s no longer wearing his DR Martens and his hair’s even more disheveled than before.

“Where is Lupin!”

“Oi, Black! Not the bloody time for your little lovers quarrel.” James snaps.

“He took my pants!”

“Pardon?” Dorcas wheezes with pure delight.

“That sodding little slag stole my pants!”

“You stole my essence!” Remus bellows, storming back into the main room, shirtless and heated. James almost feels bad for Sirius who’s gone all flushed and blotchy at the sight.

“Remus! No, no, no! Why are you getting undressed! We want you all to be fully damn clothed!”

“Oh, that was my doing,” Lily pipes in, thankfully clad in a lovely, green number that brings out her eyes. “I thought that if Remus changed into one of your white undershirts that it’ll help accentuate the purple tie.”

James really wishes he could stay properly angry at Lily for longer than a second at a time so that he can rebuke them for this little dress up game. But alas, he simply can not, so he’s only left to nod like a daft idiot at her explanation.

“And then I smelt rubbish and so I knew Sirius had returned.” Remus snarls.

“I smell like a fucking field of daisies!”

“Bet your trousers won’t smell that way after an entire night pantsless,” Remus sneers, and James silently reminds himself never to cross the scrappy bugger, (It’s always the quiet ones indeed).

“That’s not on Moony! I don’t want to have my bits out for show, everyone will be focussed on their magnificence over poor Jem and his little presenting gig.”

Heatedly, James tosses him the bird.

“Then give me back the essence!” Remus retorts caustically.

“Fine Lupin, you want to play it this way. Game on!” With one final, haughty harumph, Sirius dashes over to his own apartment and Remus only scoffs as he rounds back to the bedroom.

“What does that even mean! Absolutely nothing that’s what! Damn arse!” Remus grumbles to himself, slamming the door shut after Lily follows, still barefoot herself.

Discretely, James checks his watch once more, feeling a looming sense of dread once realizing that there’s only fifteen minutes left until they have to be out the door.

“Hiya Marcus,” James swings his head up so quickly that he swears he’s got vertigo, but at least Dorcas and Marlene look just as concerned from where they’re also gawking at Peter. “I just wanted to see if you were in town— Oh yeah, yeah. I thought I heard you on the back of that last video Mary posted.”

“Hang up Pettigrew!” Marlene hisses, trying to grab for the phone and is elbowed out the way for her trouble.

“Oh yeah, she did block e after the whole snag with me running over her cat. But you know how it is, making a fake account— Oh, erm I didn’t think it was that weird really.”

“Hang up Peter!” James yells, feeling absolutely hopeless. “Hang up the damn mobile!”

“I know plenty of people who do that! No need to get all shirty!” Peter hisses at Marcus, the color slowly draining out of his face. “No, no you don’t need to tell Maz, ’s not that serious!”

“I need a bloody shot.” Dorcas moans.

“What’s happened?” Remus asks from where he and Lily stroll out the bedroom, fully dressed thank god and both glancing over at a sweating Peter with concern.

“Mary’s surely going to getting a restraining order,” Marlene says with no context, shrinking back when the flat’s door opens once more to Sirius.

“You mad wanker,” James breathes out, not even having enough wits about him to shout. Sirius is standing there, absolutely drowning in countless sweaters pulled up over one another and sweat pants over sweat pants.

“What the bloody hell are you doing!” Remus screams.

“You take my pants, and I wear all your clothes Lupin,” Sirius grins glowingly, eyes glinting with pure mischief.

“You’re going to stretch them all out you absolute beast!”

“I’ve got to say Moons, your sweats are real comfortable without any pants, nice and soft.” Sirius does a forward lunge right then, wiggling around for good measure. So James really shouldn’t be surprised when Remus actually pounces, knocking him over to the ground.

“My money’s on Lupin, the scrappy bugger,” Marlene cackles.

“I can’t believe I did that,” Peter groans, slamming his head against the table, while Sirius and Remus continue to writhe on the ground like a pair of bloody mutts in heat.

“Get it together you plonkers! We need to leave in ten minutes!”

“He, oof, he took my essence!”

Sirius beams victoriously when he finally gets Remus beneath him and pulls up for breath, “You took my pants before I ever did that Lupin.”

“Because you’re a insufferable berk!” Remus hisses, wiggling around and canting forwards, both his and Sirius’s faces going suddenly red, and James shutters to think of what might’ve slid up against each other to elicit that response. Though his imagination is buoyed when Sirius suddenly rocks forwards in a very deliberate way, his head dipping down closer to Remus and it’s like instinct when their lips devour one another’s smolderingly, Remus’s hands fisted in Sirius’s hair, and Sirius’s own sliding around to cup his arse cheeks.

“Oh for bloody hell,” James snarls, absolutely fed up. He grabs the cup of discarded fat and pours it on the pair of them, making it so they both jump apart in a flash— panting breaths and flushed cheeked and both of the sporting obvious hard ons— even through the layers that Sirius has got on.

“You lot have got eight minutes and thirty five seconds to get it the bloody hell together, change into something respectable and then meet me downstairs,” James instructs, seething and brooking no arguments. “Now disperse damn it!”

They end up fifteen minutes late, and McGonagall just gives James a cool glance above her flute of wine as they scramble to the table, but it’s fine, because James gets to shake Ludo Bagman’s hand and everything while up on stage— Even if Remus and Sirius make a conspicuous retreat to the gents the moment he sits back down and don’t meet up with everyone until after the ceremony ends.

James repeats, bloody blunders.

MY OTHER WOLFSTAR FICS | BUY ME A COFFEE<3

#WOLFSTAR #REMUS LUPIN #SIRIUS BLACK #JILY #REMUSXSIRIUS #SIRIUSXREMUS #LILY EVANS #JAMES POTTER #LILY EVANS POTTER #MARAUDERS #WOLFSTAR FLUFF #HARRY POTTER SERIES #TRULY A REBLOG IS LIKE GIVING A STAR #THANK YOU LOVES

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originalwinnercheesecake · 3 years

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Top 5 relationships in The Mortal Instruments

Lets be real the shadowhunter chronicles has grown into a huge world world with more characters than could ever all stay in one in any one institute (and remember institutes are for some reason designed to accommodate the same number as nice hotels) and because so many of them interact we have had some pretty cool characters and some pretty great relationships. I thought I would make ranking lists ranking the my personal favorites for members of family as well relationships in each series. IMPORTANT: When I say “relationships” I am not being specific to any one type of relationship (romantic/family/friend). I just mean two characters who share a type of bond.

Since The Mortal Instruments or TMI, came out first I will start with it. 5 relationships in TMI who have really well done dynamic’s and I want to take this opportunity to spotlight them below

5.) Jace & Church

Aww Church, he was doing the grumpy cat act before it was cool. Everybody loves Church. Church loves Jem and likes exactly one person per series/generation. In TMI the one person Church likes is Jace. Now other instances you could argue that Church liking Jace is just another attempt of CC to enforce that Jace (mr. blond hair, gold eyes, gold skin, takes a bath in golden spaghetti) is the golden boy and everybody should like him. But once you look at who Jace and Church are as characters (what character Jace has that's not referenced by his aforementioned coloring) them being buddies makes a lot of sense. For one thing we know from the falcon story that Jace is fond of animals that have adittutes, which Church certainly does. The first time he made friends with such an animal Valentine... But Valentine is gone when Jace meets Church, and none of the Lightwoods mind if Jace wants to goof off with the cat (to them that’s probably one of the least reckless things Jace likes to do). So for Jace Church is in essence a way to reclaim part of his childhood that Valentine tried to twist and corrupt.

On the other side I love how respectful Jace is of Church’s boundaries. Guys Church has a past as extensive and hard as any other character in TSC. HE has been both a pet and a wild cat many times over, he ha been treated well by some humans, and horribly by others. This is no purring kitty-cat that is going to just climb into someones lap wanting hands run through his fur or to be picked up and carried around. No Church doesn’t like that. Jace understands this, and never tries to force Church to let him handle him. IF Church wants Jace to touch him he will take the initiative and walk up to Jace’s leg. If not Jace is perfectly happy to hang out in a room or follow the cat at a distance, pretending to chat with him. I saw a post that said that even after Church got reunited with Jem (churches OTH) Church still considers Jace his buddy and they hang out during visits, that is precious.

4.) Alec and Magnus aka Malec

Aww Here they are, fandom darlings and CC’s poster couple for LGBT+ inclusion. I promise that is not why I put them on this list. I actually never give characters or couples brownie points for being same sex or anything like that because so many writers try to get away with making “Gay” a characters whole personalty or squeezing in characters for the sole purpose of saying “look inclusion, look I can be woke” and then they don’t consider it necessary to put the level of characterization they would into a straight character in. I do like inclusion and feel it is important, but only when it is fully developed to the best of a creators abilities.

Now I will admit here that Malec are only my second favorite romantic couple in TMI. That being said I do really like them. I like the pace that their relationship develops at. When other couples did the whole love at first sight or suddenly inexplicably in love. Malec moved at what I consider a pretty realistic pace and you could easily follow their journey. In book 1 they met at a party and decided the other was pretty cute, started to spend time together on occasions, started to like each other, then started to really like each other. It’s not until the very end of book 6 where you fee like the two are really committed to the whole “Okay it’s you and me till the end” idea, and you are glad to finally see them there.

That brings me to my second reason for liking Malec. They are a hot mess, as all three main couples are, but unlike with the other two Malec never pretended to be anything other than a hot mess. If I compared Malec to Clace i would say that Clace follow a pretty typical fairy tale formula: I met you and I loved you, then the evils in the world conspired to keep us apart, but I fought my way back to you and now we can live happily ever after. Malec aren’t like a fairy tale though. They are that high-school/early college couple who are consistently on and off. The rocks in their path aren’t “evil forces” it’s just them. Just the fact that they both have a tendency to be whinny, stupid, jealous, controlling, a!@#$”s to each other. Honestly if they didn’t care so much about each other, then they would be a really toxic couple. But they do care a lot about each other. They hated when they were always fighting. They hated seeing each other so sad. But they couldn’t just forget about their problems or pretend them away. So many times throughout TMI Malec would find themselves at a cross road where on one path they force themselves to change and see if that made their relationship better , and another path were they decide that it is just to much to and call it quits. They broke up twice because they got to times where it was just to much to keep going the way they were and neither were ready to change. But then they couldn’t stop thinking about the other or missing the other. So, when they met up again they would always reconcile and be ready to put in the work to change their relationship for the better. Looks like those changes worked out given that years down the line we see then happy, married with two kids, happy at their jobs, hosting social gathering with their friends as apposed to before when they would always spend then picking at each other or having an outright fight.

Malec are not perfect, TMI never pretends they are. They are both a lot to deal with and at least a few times one of them will slam their hands down on some surface, and I as a reader found myself wishing I could bring my hands down on the pair of thems heads. But I consider Malec a pretty gritty look at what any couple can be like at their lows, as well as the highs they can reach if they are willing to put in the time and work, and exactly why some are willing.

3.) Maia and Bat

What? What was that? If Malec are only my second favorite couple in TMI then who is my favorite? Oh, it’s Baia. Baia is like literally the perfect couple. They met years ago became best friends, tried dating and went back to being best friends when Maia-who had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and was still recovering- told Bat that was all she could handle. Their friendship is shown in the background throughout books 2-5 and we see that they always have each others backs. We see Bat is always their for Maia, always trying to take her out as a friend and convince her to have fun. Maia supports Bat’s DJ career and talks about how much she admires him for perusing such a normal mundane life because (regardless of the fact that they aren’t normal mundanes) its what he wants. Their relationship is brought to more of a focus in book 6 when shadowhunters leave, demons attack and their fellow downworlder start staging uprisings. Both of these two are still so young, and now (with their Alpha away indefinitely) their whole world is falling apart. Fixing this isn’t their job, no one has tasked them with it, but its the only way to keep themselves, each other, and everything they love safe. SO they make the choice to take action. Like everything in their lives since they met, they make a point to always support each other. Bat challenges an aggressive wolf for control of the pack because he has sen this wolf go bully those close to Luke and is determined to protect Maia. When Bat goes down in the fight Maia tags herself in and fights to protect him. When Maia wins she wakes up Bat isn’t upset or embarrassed that she had to save him, He immediately throws support to her as his Alpha. One of Maia’s first act is to make Bat her Beta because they are a team and their is no one she trusts more. They rebuild their pack and the Predator Lupis together, and also get back together. But that is less important because no matter what their relationship they have always and will always be there.

Seriously when every other couple acted stupid, was over dramatic, were never sure where they stood with each other; Maia and Bat were true friends, true love, and unwavering in their support. So what keeps them from being number 1 on this list? Well were still a background relatonship for most of TMI (a lot of the fandom either didn’t remember or didn’t care that they got together at the end or that they were even friends). Also knowing CC and general media aimed at TMI’s age group I have to unfortunately believe that if CC had wanted to bring more focus onto Maia and Bat,then she would have made them way more dramatic and less awesomely supportive. Moving on

2.) Valentine and Luke

I can hear the gasps from here. No, not read that wrong, it really says Valentine and Luke. How could I talk just get praising a supportive pair only to go and talk about a pair that betrayed and tried to annihilate the other? Well for one thing I will remind you Valentine and Luke whole dynamic is friends to enemies. As that they really work. Luke never had what it takes to be a shadowhunter on his own. He says himself that he couldn’t bear easy marks, he couldn’t do simple training exercises, he was miserable and ready to just drop out and give up. Then Valentine “came into my room and offered to train me”. Even in the future Luke says that in their first interactions that Valentine saved him. That he is the one who made Luke into a shadowhunter. Well truth be told Valentine made Luke more of an assistant Shadowhunter, to him, but it is still farther than Luke was getting on his own, and its completely genuine when he says he loved and worshiped Valentine. You see why he was so blind to what Valentine (Stop trying to pretend you were always in the right Lucian) what both of them were becoming. Valentine gave Luke a life as a shadowhunter, and then he took it away. Valentine thought he was covering himself, that he was getting rid of a doubtful ally before he had a chance to become an enemy.

Getting Luke turned into a werewolf was easily the biggest mistake of Valentine’s life. Shadowhunter Luke was never able to do anymore than listen to Valentines orders and carry them out with no thought but how much doing so would please Valentine (Shadowhunter Luke= Valentines pet lap dog.) Werewolf Luke could say no. He could fight Valentine to a stand still at least, beat him at best. Werewolf Luke had knowledge and insight as to the needs of both Downworlders and Shadowhunters, and used that knowledge paired with Valentine’s impediment threats to rally the downworlders and get them to force the clave to give up 4 seats on the council. Because of Luke Valentines war caused Downworlders to get more rights instead of less. (Shadowhunter Luke=Valentines pet lap dog. Werewolf Luke= has more brains and skill than Valentine) Valentine thought he was getting rid of a potential threat when he had Luke turned; instead he gave his strongest supporter the push needed to break away from him, and the motivation to take become the man who had enough power to foil all his plans. That their is Irony at its finest my friends. I love it.

And Now 1.) Jace and Simon

This is hands down the best relationship in TMI and should I ever make a top 5 relationships This one will definitely be in it. How can they not when they are literary the TSC equivalent of Batman and Superman. (I mean that quite literally by the way. Jace is Batman: A hero who lived a life of pain and loss and used that as a motivation to protect people and prevent harm. Simon is Superman: A hero who wasn’t born into this world, these people weren’t always his people, but he decided that this was his home now and he was going to make it a better place.) There are so many things I love about these two I love how well their relationship was paced in how as they got to know each other more they transitioned from enemies to rivals to friends to family. I love their banter. these two together make me laugh more than any other pair. The number one thing I love about Jace and Simon is how careful CC was to keep them standing on Equal ground.

I meant they weren’t equal when it came to who had Clary’s affections. No Jace won that battle the moment Clary ditched simon, who was in the process of asking her out, to go find out who Jace was and what he was doing at the club. But lets look at virtually every other factor. Both are young men only 16 who have suffered the loss of a loved one before and are fiercely loyal and protective of the ones they have left. Neither are always sure who they can trust. In book 1 Jace is introduced s having vanquished more demons than anyone else in their age group, Before the end of Book 1 Simon is revealed to be skilled in archery and uses that skill to vanquish an incredibly dangerous Greater Demon. In book 2 Simon dies then is brought back from the dead to rise again, Jace does the same, through admittingly different methods, one book later. Jace is from a powerful race of hunters (shadowhunters), lets make Simon a member of a another powerful race of hunters (vampires and then Shadowhunters). Oh it looks like Jace has extra gifts his blood is special. Jace gives Simon his blood and Simon now has extra gifts to. Both of them have been hunted over their gifts, both have tried to help and protect the other. Jace giving Simon that Blood was a huge sacrifice and then he sacrificed for him again by admitting what he did to Valentine, knowing it will anger Valentine and could cause him to lose love for Jace. So in the second half of the series Simon starts Sacrificing for Jace. He gives up not only the mark of Chain which protected him from harm, but also a beloved memory connecting him to his own late father. Jace showed Simon a lot of the Shadoworld, and Simon returned that by teaching Jace aspects of mundane life. He told him pop culture references, let him stay with him in his apartment, taught him to play video games, and even took him grocery shopping. (Ask me why Jace seems more human when he is with Simon yet more like a fantasy man with Clary)

After reading Tales From The Shadowhunting Academy I will say that Jace was the ONLY one of the TMI gang who deserved to get Simon back. He is the only one who ever seemed to think about how Simon must be feeling or made any effort to be there for him. Alec and Magnus ignored Simon and acted like they didn’t care that he was back, while Isabelle and Clary were both incredibly selfish and only seemed to think of themselves. They actually had the audacity to blame Simon for not remembering them, and make him feel more like crap for not being able to just walk back into a life they knew he couldn’t remember, knowing that he sacrificed his memories to save THEIR lives. Clary Isabelle I am so disappointed in you ladies. Jace you are doing great.

Ending this to anyone wondering if at this point if I ship Jimon; Yes. I think they would have made an awesome couple. I also think they are awesome as friends and brothers in law. Any way you slice it Jimon is top tear writing

This has been my top 5 TMI relationships. I will do a TID top 5 when I either learn how to make these smaller, or have the time to do one this long again. Heads up it will probably be the second one.

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aislinmurdock · 3 years

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breakfast & confessions

Who: Aislin Murdock & Ridley

When: 13/01/2021 - early morning

Where: Murdock Kitchen

What: Ridley asks Aislin about her past with Wesley after he came over for dinner the night before.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 1008

Notes: None

It was morning and Aislin was in a really good mood. Despite having definitely been awake for way too long, drinking coffee with dinner will do that to a person, but Aislin wasn’t the type of person to turn down someone else bringing her coffee, especially if that someone actually knew how she took her coffee. Maybe it was the buzz of coffee still in her system, maybe she’d hit a second wind. Maybe her first love had walked back into her life with coffee and donuts and sweet words and his stupidly handsome face with promises to stay. Okay, actually, it was probably that. It was probably Wesley, but she didn’t want to dwell on it. For the first time in over a month, she wasn’t actually having to fake being in a good mood.

Ridley, was less enthused about the morning, but couldn’t help but smile at the way their foster mum moved about the kitchen, dancing along to the song playing from the bluetooth speaker in the corner. Sea shanties and Irish rock at not even 6 am was a new one, but it could definitely have been worse. There had been a lot of depressing music lately and even Ridley had been struggling to listen to it so early in the morning.

“So, you and Wesley dated, right?” Ridley’s voice pulled Aislin’s attention away from where she’d been working on breakfast and she barely managed to withhold the scoff that tried to cross her lips.

“What makes you think that?” Her voice was definitely a few octaves too high as she turned her attention back to breakfast.

“You just happen to know the guy who plays Lucifer well enough to invite him over for dinner when none of your other friends have come over and yet you’ve never mentioned him before. I haven’t even met Supergirl. Which means there’s history there.” They crossed their arms over their chest. Okay, they had a point and Aislin didn’t like that, because she couldn’t lie to them.

“Fine, yes. We dated.” She sighed. “Did you grab your paper off the printer?” She turned her attention from the mostly finished breakfast to grab a med container out of the cabinet by the sink and set it next to the plate on the counter.

“When did you meet? When did you date? What happened?” Ridley double checked their bag, making sure they’d grabbed the aforementioned paper, moving over to sit down at the counter.

“Years ago. We were at some formal function for the BBC, they’re dreadfully boring, and he’s good to take the piss with.” Aislin shrugged, moving over to the coffee maker and pouring them both a mug full. “We were friends, who turned into more, slowly then all at once. As cliche as that sounds. It was easy, going from friends to more. Then, in 2015 we actually decided to put some sort of label on it. I was already going to go on a social media break, I was tired of people and questions. So it made being together easier. Or as easy as dating when you’re both constantly on the go can be. Which was hard.” As she spoke she dished up breakfast and settled at the counter next to Ridley.

“Okay, so, what happened? How did you y’know end up not together? You were obviously close and you still are.” Ridley started eating and Aislin did too. She didn’t really like that they were trying to delve so far into her and Wesley’s past. Though, she had to admit that she couldn’t necessarily blame them. The relationship she had with Wesley, even now, was special and different to every other relationship she had.

“The distance just pulled us apart. There’s only so many texts and calls and last minute flights for visits that only last a few hours that two people can do before it stops being enough. We were both at places in our careers where stopping and slowing down didn’t feel like an option and then, next thing either of us knew, we’d lost contact.” She shrugged, it was after that point that she’d looked into dating again and found herself with Luce. It had felt like fate.

“Wait. What? You just got busy?” Ridley had been expecting some decision to call it quits. To keep just being friends. But, to just stop without any sort of closure? Definitely not on the list.

“Basically, yeah.”

“Let me get this straight-” Aislin shot them a look. “-er than either of us. You were in a relationship with Wesley. A relationship built on a very deep friendship. And the only reason this relationship stopped is because you both got busy. You didn’t even really break up did you?”

Aislin’s eyebrows furrowed and she focused on her food for a bit. “Take your meds.” She reminded them, motioning to the med container sat on the counter.

“You didn’t! You never broke up! No wonder you got so close to him so fast. You never stopped liking him!” Aislin back handed them gently on the shoulder.

“Shush, and take your meds.” Her face was bright red, as she tried to hide her face. Ridley laughed, taking their meds.

“Does he know?! Does he feel the same?!” Ridley was pretty sure that Wesley probably felt the same, they’d seen the way he’d looked at Aislin. The way he’d react to her, how attentive he’d been. It was so clear in the way he looked at her.

“Yes, but I can’t. We can’t. I was in a relationship for nearly three years. I was engaged. Planning a wedding. He deserves better than that. He deserves… He deserves to not be a rebound. I’ve too much on my plate at the moment, even if I wasn’t heartbroken.” Aislin sighed, downing her mug of coffee and looking at the time. “C’mon, finish up, it’s near time to leave.”

And like that Aislin had ended the conversation, standing from her seat and continuing with the last of her morning routine.

#p: s001 #p: self #p: all #about: a wicked girl saving herself

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lwjstiletto · 4 years

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wangxian au where lwj is a popular hand model and wwx is an independent jewellery maker [Part 1]

[Twitter thread version]

wwx is a go-getter kind of guy. he likes pretty things and pretty people. so his job is a win-win in that he makes pretty things for pretty people— well mostly

lately all his brain has churned out is designs that only the very nice old ladies in his neighbourhood indulgently buy from him

he’s grateful for it but nevertheless it’s been disheartening looking for the elusive muse for his next project

jiang cheng only sighs whenever he mentions this and rants about how if wwx just LISTENED to him and actually put effort into commercialising his bestsellers instead of hyperfocusing on one body part/gem/technique and hopping from one product to the next; and in general just making his business a chaotic mess where clients couldn’t guess what he would put out next, that he would have a better shot

but ofc wwx sighs even more at this and just goes ‘but jiang cheng~’

what kind of argument even is that? but jc lets it go bc wwx supplies him with endless half-finished projects that are complicated-looking enough to give his students a good challenge when drawing still life

so anyways, wwx is still making old lady jewellery and being generally pitiful when he stumbles across an intriguing article on twitter

—•—

lwj on the other hand has been fastening and unfastening his cufflinks for an hour straight. that’s pretty much status quo for hand models who have to spend hours on end either doing repetitive gestures or holding completely still

lwj doesn’t mind though, he has always had steady hands and dextrous fingers, practically an advertiser’s ‘wet dream’ as his agent, nhs, puts it

said agent pulls him aside when it’s finally time for his break. nhs looks harried, which isn’t out of the ordinary, but he’s also not meeting lwj’s eyes which sets of alarm bells in his head

“okay before i tell you,” nhs starts without prompting, “promise not to fire me.”

lwj doesn’t narrow his eyes, but the twitch of his eyebrow is close enough, “i will be fair.”

“that’s not a-“ nhs sighs, “good enough i guess. do you remember that photoshoot you did with da-ge a few months back?”

lwj nods. how could he forget? it had been... an experience for sure. it was a photoshoot for a book cover for a popular teen novel

and while lwj didn’t meet fellow hand models often, he had come across other ‘parts models’ as they were called

spending the better part of two days caressing nmj’s abs was... by far not the most unpleasant job he’d had as a hand model

nhs holds out a copy of the novel for him to see. the cover they used is from the second half of the photoshoot where they took a few wider shots

lwj sees nothing wrong with it. it’s a standard cover, if a bit lewd due to all the... ab touching. in fact the entire cover is just nmj’s abs and wide shoulders

lwj doesn’t think his hands serve any other purpose than obstructing the view in the poorest attempt to keep it pg. still he fails to see the problem

nhs wrings his hands together, “there was a blog post about it. do you know anyone named su she?”

lwj thinks for a moment, then vaguely recalls the name with a sinking realisation

—•—

wwx is still thinking about the article when jin zixuan comes to drop jin ling off at his apartment. unprompted, wwx asks him, “do you think i could sell feet pics?”

he can see jzx’s soul leave his body as he drops jin ling’s overnight bag on the pavement. wwx’s favourite new hobby is dropping these bombs on jzx and watching him dissociate from reality as he tries to answer wwx’s insane questions with logic

being a father has changed him. a few years ago he would have just slammed the nearest door in wwx’s face

“why... do you want to sell feet pics? is your business not going well?” jzx asks, and actually looks concerned. well, now wwx feels bad

“my business is just fine.” wwx says grumpily

“really? jiang cheng and yanli seem to think otherwise.”

“you eavesdropped on them didn’t you?”

jzx is entirely unashamed, “i’m just concerned.”

“again, my business is fine!”

“you know if you ever needed money-“

wwx turns jzx around and pushes him towards his car, “don’t you have things to do? get jin ling out of the car seat, it’s getting late.”

since the peacock has acquired immunity to his teasing by straight up being ~nice~ to him, it’s only fair that wwx sends jin ling back with so many new toys that they will take up at least a whole corner in his unnecessarily gigantic home

—•—

lwj meets his brother for iced tea at a cafe near huaisang’s office. lwj does not like iced tea but has deliberately kept this from his brother because lxc loves it and has made it his personal mission to try every iced tea flavour he can get his hands on

it is also the easiest way to lure his brother out of his busy schedule. lwj knows lxc would take time to meet him anyway, but he wants lxc to indulge in something he likes once in a while

“wangji, you seem restless.” lxc says, concerned

lwj takes a tentative sip of his black currant iced tea. it’s abhorrent

“do you remember su she?” lwj asks

lxc, “the one from your cello class?”

lwj nods

“the one who broke his string and his bow in the same day?” lxc asks, almost looking amused

lwj winces, “yes.”

“did he ever come back to the class after that?” lxc asks

lwj shakes his head, then taps the glass with a gloved finger

“has he been bothering you again?” lxc asks seriously, “if he has-“

“it’s-“ lwj sighs, “complicated.”

before lxc can make assumptions, lwj unlocks his phone and shows it to lxc

lxc reads silently for a minute or two, then his eyes widen. “he posted this on the novel’s discussion forum?”

lwj nods

“how did he even-“ lxc says, then pauses in thought, “is it because of the cello class?”

“mn, perhaps.” lwj says, “he saw the book cover i did with huaisang’s brother. he is a fan of the novel.”

“so he went and researched the models who were on the cover?” lxc frowns, “how did he even find that?”

“my name is public information.” lwj says, “it would certainly be hard to find, but it is available nonetheless.”

“are you going to be okay?” lxc asks.

“i am worried it will impact your reputation. my job is not... conventional.” lwj doesn’t meet his brother’s gaze

“wangji, that is the least of my concerns. you did not want to do conventional modelling by choice.” lxc says

he isn’t wrong, lwj hadn’t wanted to have his face photographed, it had never appealed to him. no matter how many compliments he received on his looks

his popularity started and ended within the advertising circle and nhs never offered him jobs he didn’t want. putting a face to his popular hand modelling career was not an ideal situation

especially since it had reached a lot of the novel’s fans who’d begun discussing him on other social media platforms

“i will handle this.” lxc says, “this is not right. you especially drew up contracts with advertisers to avoid this situation.”

“brother-“ lwj starts

“he should not have posted pictures of you.” lxc isn’t even drinking his iced tea, lwj notes

“it is already out. there is not much we can do.” lwj says reasonably

lxc doesn’t quite seethe but he doesn’t touch his iced coffee again

—•—

wwx finally admits to himself that he may be experiencing a slump. he hasn’t touched his tools in two months and his work bench has acquired a thick layer of dust on which jin ling drew a frowny face with his fingers then immediately tried to lick them

and what does one do when lacking motivation? harrass his brother in his cushy office at the university of course

to his credit, jc lets him prace around and poke at his things for a solid ten seconds before snapping at him. which means he and jyl must actually be worried about him

“wei wuxian” jc says through clenched teeth when wwx has pushed the paperweight on his desk to the very edge, trying to see how far jc would let him take it

ah, so not worried enough to break into his house at night, wwx notes

“so, do you think i could sell foot pics?” wwx uses his favourite new icebreaker

jc puts his head in his hands like wwx put the worlds’ weight on his shoulders. if he listens closely, he’s sure he can hear a repetition of ‘why why why why’ in jc’s head

“why...” jc forces himself to say

wwx shurgs with a grin, “i read an article about it. apparently a lot of people are into feet.”

“into... feet...” jc says

“yeah like they get off-“

jc holds up a hand to stop him, “i get it. did you come all the way across the city to ask me this?”

“yes and no.” wwx says, “i wanted to ask if you could draw me some.”

“some... feet...?” jc is going to kick him out soon, wwx can feel it

wwx places his chin in both his hands and tries to look pitiful, “isn’t it better than me buying foot pics? think of how that would reflect on you if anyone found out.”

jc feels a headache coming on, “please tell me you’re using them as reference to design anklets or something.”

wwx laughs, “of course! what did you think?”

jc glares at him, “i will ban you from campus.”

wwx bothers him a bit more and then gets thrown out more gently than he has come to expect from jc, still not sure if jc will actually fulfill his request

and maybe it’s because his luck has been down for too long that life took pity and decided to throw something good at him, he turns the corner to see one of the most beautiful men he has laid his eyes on

his attention is focused on the folder in his hands, and it’s late enough that there are no students milling the corridors. this is probably why the aforementioned beautiful, stunning, abolutely breathtaki- man manages to walk straight into wwx

several things happen at once. wwx sees it coming unlike the other person, so he reaches out to steady him. turns out there isn’t much need of that because the man gets his bearings back alarmingly fast for someone caught by surprise

the folder in his hands does not have similar balance though, and falls to the floor, splattering it’s contents halfway across the hallway

the man looks... well neutral, but the speed at which he drops to his knees lets wwx know that it’s not something he wants wwx to see

which, of course has the opposite effect. when wwx looks down to see the photographs that have not yet been put back into the folder- he is left speechless for once

the immediate and most obvious explanation is that this guy is an art student who is using these pictures as reference... but of course wwx’s first thought is Oh mY gOd this guy has a hand fetish because his talk with jc is still fresh in his head

once that thought is in his head, wwx notices a number of things in quick sequence

this dude looks uncharacteristically nervous for an innocent art student, and he’s wearing GLOVES like a CRIMINAL who’s STEALING pictures of those pretty hands from an art class for his own pleasure

art students don’t wear gloves, especially not in the middle of summer! and no one can possibly require that many pictures for just one body part

satisfied with his reasonable conclusion, wwx opens his mouth to accuse the man only to realise that he is upright once again with all his stolen pictures securely in his folder

“are you stealing those?” wwx asks straightforwardly

the man actually does seem to be caught off-guard for longer than two seconds this time

then he proceeds to walk past wwx

“hey wait!” wwx blocks his path again, “i get it, you know? we all have needs and i’m totally not judging you for it. but there are sites for this stuff.”

the man finally looks at him, and wow he’s even more attractive than wwx first thought and his eyes are so pretty and- he walks past wwx again

wwx, yet again, catches up to him and decides that walking beside him is more effective. “good quality photography like that is usually quite expensive you know?”

the man continues to ignore him so wwx grabs the folder in his hands and gives it a good yank

“what are you doing?” the man finally speaks. even his voice is nice. wwx is sure people would send him hand pics for free if he asked

“returning this to the rightful owner.” wwx holds the folder out of his reach

the man takes a deep breath, then pulls at one of his satin gloves- SATIN, how did wwx not notice that- and holds his beautiful hand up to wwx’s face

wwx’s brain immediately short circuits as he thinks ‘maybe ~I~ am the one with a hand fetish’ because that’s... one pretty hand

one... familiar hand. the same even tone, smooth skin and long, elegant fingers with perfectly manicured nails...

while he stands there, gaping like a fish, the man snatches the folder out of his hand and starts walking away with quicker strides

by the time wwx’s brain reboots and the realisation finally sinks in- he has finally found the muse he has been looking for- the man is already gone

—•—

lwj admits that he is... slightly stressed out, and is definitely showing enough signs of it that nhs has caught on

“you went to visit wen qing yesterday.” it’s not a question so lwj doesn’t answer. “did you perhaps run into an old acquaintance?”

lwj shakes his head, “it is not what you think.”

this sparks curiosity in nhs which is a toss up between better and worse than the implication that lwj’s stress stems from accidentally meeting su she at the university

“did you run into a fan?” nhs asks and it’s actually a reasonable concern since lwj wants to avoid even being /known/ at all costs

lwj shakes his head. he trusts nhs which isn’t as surprising now as it had been to him years ago when he had agreed to give nhs free reign over the work he chose for lwj

“somebody from the university knows of my identity.” lwj says finally.

nhs seems to think it over, “it was inevitable. even after taking down the blog post, people are still curious about you.”

lwj wants to tell him that it’s actually his fault but he stays silent as nhs continues his train of thought.

“you’re exciting because people have seen you without actually seeing you. you’ve worked with big brands and celebrities and it normally wouldn’t spark interest-

- but unfortunately for you, you are attractive. it will die down after a while, we just have to ride it out for now.” nhs concludes.

lwj nods, feeling reassured. nhs is usually right about these things, which is why lwj regards him so highly

he has a video shoot for some fancy kitchen installation company after that, and he tries not to think about the man who accused him of stealing his own pictures while he very slowly chops a mango on the surely unsanitary granite counter

he’s working with a photographer he knows well, one of the best in his line of work. song lan has a good eye for what would look enticing in an advert and doesn’t make him do weird, suggestive things like kneading dough in slow motion. lwj suppresses a shudder at the thought

after cutting enough magoes to feed ten people, the shoot finally wraps up and one of the PAs on the set holds out a basin for him to wash his hands in

the warm water is soothing to his aching fingers and he lets his hands soak but not for longer than a few seconds to prevent his skin from pruning. he then rubs the special concoction that is his version of the best moisturiser and puts his hands in soft cotton gloves

song lan comes to greet him after and expresses his sympathies about his pictures making rounds on the internet

lwj’s eyes widen ever so slightly, “you know of it?”

“my boyfriend is a fan.” he says with a fond shake of his head, “otherwise i’d have no idea.”

luckily before lwj can start to panic, nhs trots up to them and the conversation ends there as he’s dragged to his next shoot

—•—

“for the last time, i don’t know your ‘guy with pretty hands’.” jc says, exasperated. “what’s with you and body parts nowadays? if it’s a kink thing.. please rethink your life.”

wwx sighs. he knew going to jc was useless, but at least it confirmed his suspicion that the guy isn’t an art student

however, that makes the task of finding him and then begging him to model wwx’s jewellery harder. because yes, wwx has spent the last five days cooped up in his workshop making complex hand chains

now if he only had more than a memory to draw inspiration from...

it’s frustrating. wwx should have at least asked for his name and number. how can he be this stupid?

“very easily.” is jc’s reply to this

“jiang chengggg.” wwx whines, “i have to find him or my creativity will die a horrible death.”

jc looks like he is ageing before his eyes. “if i ask around the staff will you promise to only come to my office during emergencies? you’re freaking my students out.”

“yes!” wwx agrees enthusiastically, then frowns. “freaking them out? i’m so nice to everyone!”

“you tried to get at least five of my students to draw your pretty boy from description.” jc deadpans, “they think he’s a criminal.”

“a criminal after my heart, aha!” wwx says with finger guns.. and gets thrown out by jc for his efforts. it’s less gentle this time

a few days later, jc calls him, “apparently ‘his identity needs to be protected’. is he actually a criminal?”

“he was wearing gloves...” wwx mutters, “i’m kidding! not about the gloves, but i don’t think he’s a criminal.”

jc makes a doubtful noise on the other end. “well, whatever. so yeah, anyway, i can’t get wen qing to tell me anything. you can come bully her yourself if you dare to.”

“why does it have to be wen qing?” wwx groans, “she’ll roast me on low flame before she tells me anything. why couldn’t it be wen ning— wait. wen ning probably knows him too. jiang cheng i’m a genius!”

jc hangs up on him but it doesn’t dampen his spirits at all. he’s so close to finding him.

—•—

shoots where he has to hold objects for an extended period of time are already unkind to his muscles, but holding objects with /postures/ is even worse. his fingers are so stiff after his seven hour shoot with swarovski that when one of the assistants on set hands him a cup of warm tea, it slips right through his grip and shatters on the ground unceremoniously

everyone freezes, and then start to buzz around him, asking if he is feeling unwell or if he needs to sit down. because lwj never drops /anything/. it’s in his job description NOT to drop anything

god, lwj hates jewellery shoots the most

nhs hears about this, ofc. lwj suspects he can be at multiple places at a time. so lwj is neatly packed into a SUV and sent away to get a relaxing massage and manicure

lwj would usually put up a fight but his muscles have been aching for days and nhs has theatened to text his brother at least three times this week. he doesn’t want to risk a fourth

wen ning, the meek but kind masseuse greets him with a bow, “lan er-gongzi, are you well?”

lwj nods, and is about to ask about wn as well when he hears the door of the masseuse parlour bang open behind him

“you!” comes a shout and lwj turns around, alarmed

the man who accused him of stealing his own pictures is standing there, pointing a finger at him

“if i was unclear the last time, i did not steal those photographs.” lwj says

the man seems stunned for two seconds, then frowns. “steal.. i know that you didn’t steal them.”

lwj nods, then starts to walk further into the parlour- except for the hand that grips and brings him to a stop. lwj would usually rip his hand away, but the slight pressure sends pain shooting up his arm

and lwj definitely didn’t realise how stiff his muscles were until then. he must have made a noise, a mixture between surprise and a wince, because the man lets go immediately

“are you okay?” he asks, looking alarmed

lwj closes his eyes to compose himself

“wei-gongzi, what are you doing here?” lwj hears wen ning ask

“i came to find him.” the man replies

lwj’s eyes open in shock. find him? does he know of lwj’s identity? is he a fan of the novel? this has gotten way bigger than either lwj or nhs predicted if people are actively seeking him out

“i think you have misunderstood.” lwj says, projecting a calm exterior even though he’s feeling a little cornered. cornered.. by a single person... what has his life come to?

but today it’s one person, next... he doesn’t even want to think about it. he has never wanted to be in the public light and does not want the /crowd/ and god forbid- the /noise/ that comes with it

he had gotten comfortable in the happy equilibrium of popularity and anonymity- the only thing which had lured him into accepting this job and has kept him in it thus far

... and it seems to be crumbling right before his eyes

“what? no i haven’t. i wouldn’t forget your face.” the man says, “hey stop running away-“

but lwj is already walking past him to exit the massage parlour. he needs to call someone. nhs most probably. or a cab.

the other man is speedy though, and blocks him right at the door, extending his arms and legs to cover the width of the opening as if lwj was thinking of sneaking around him. (he was, but that’s not the point)

“okay maybe i’ve come across as creepier than expected.” the man says, “but i swear i just want your hands!”

[wen ning shakes his head furiously in the background]

the panic lwj feels must be enough to be showing on his usually blank face, because the man backtracks

“i mean- no- that came off as even creepier oh my god. i’m not a serial killer, i promise.”

[wen ning makes a big X over his head with his arms]

the man takes a deep breath and actually seems to think before speaking this time, “hi, my name is wei ying. i’m a jeweller by profession. what’s your name?”

“move aside.” lwj says.

“do you promise not to run and actually hear me out? because it was so hard to track you down, god, it took me a week!”

[wn texting nhs: pls come and save lwj i think he’s about to faint]

“a week...” lwj says, “you tracked me down for a week?”

“no! i mean yes but not in a stalker way!” wwx seems to be having a mini meltdown, “you know just nice good ol’ asking around about the cute guy i saw at the uni... not... stalking...”

luckily lwj’s phone begins to ring, cutting wwx off. [wen ning is very thankful for this. he doesn’t think having the police here would be good for business]

“brother.” lwj says, still a little strung up

“wangji, i’m almost there.”

“what?”

“huaisang told me you were ill,” lxc says, “and i was in the area so i told him i’d take you to the doctor.”

lwj turns to give wen ning a scathing look. “he exaggerated. i’m fine. you don’t have to come here.”

lwj doesn’t think his brother will take the fact that he has acquired a stalker well

“i’m outside.” lxc says

lwj resists the urge to sigh. he’s going to strangle everyone in this room, then himself

“i’ll be there in a minute then.” lwj says.

“i’m making my way to the parlour.” lxc says, disregarding him completely

“brother i can walk.” lwj says calmly. murder is on his mind.

lxc hangs up on him. lwj actually sighs this time.

“if you don’t want my brother to report you, you need to move aside.” lwj says to wwx.

wwx opens his mouth as if he wants to continue to dig himself into a hole, but then moves aside degectedly

then he removes a business card from his wallet and puts it in lwj’s shirt pocket.

“you can look me up, i’m not lying. i really am a jeweller and i’d like to work with you.” he says

before lwj can protest, lxc is already at the entrance, carrying what looks like half the pharmacy in a paperbag

“wangji.” he greets, and then pauses to nod politely at the other men, “let’s go.”

lwj follows him silently

—•—

wen ning sighs and flips the sign on the door to ‘closed’ resigning to the fact that wwx will remain a permanent fixture on his floor for a while

“so you thought he was a creepy thief and now he thinks you’re a creepy stalker?” wn asks.

wwx, who has told him all of this between groans, groans again.

“do you... want a free massage?” wn offers

“yes.”

lwj fights the urge to touch his shirt pocket while in the car with lxc.

“you need to go to the hospital wangji, you don’t look well.” lxc insists

“i will eat every medicine in that bag if you drop me off at huaisang’s office.” lwj replies

lxc looks alarmed, “you’ll definitely need to go to the hospital then.”

“i will eat every medicine in that bag if you /don’t/ drop me off at huaisang’s office.” lwj amends, neatly closing all the loopholes

“at least let me come with you.” lxc says in his last ditch attempt to find out exactly what has left his brother so rattled

“i will eat-“

“fine okay. i just worry about you, you know? you never tell me when something is bothering you anymore.” lxc says

“if it is important, i will tell you.” lwj says. he doesn’t want lxc to worry but also doesn’t want to lie.

lxc nods, accepting this, then turns the car around

—•—

“wei wuxian.” nhs raises an eyebrow at the card lwj has placed on his table. “this is the man who has been stalking you?”

lwj nods.

“are you certain?” nhs asks, looking conflicted.

lwj gives him a look.

“okay, okay! just making sure!” nhs says, raising his palms in defence.

“you know of him.” lwj states.

“well,” nhs says, “he didn’t lie to you, he really is a jeweller. he is very elusive though. he tends to drop these groundbreaking collections every fall and then disappears.”

lwj tries to align the man he met today with this talented, cryptic jeweller persona. if they really are the same person, then perhaps unhinged genius fits him better.

“if he’s serious about working with you...” nhs gets a gleam in his eyes that lwj doesn’t like. this is /not/ how he pictured this conversation going. he’s slowly but surely developing a migrane

“look, i’m never going to force you to do anything.” nhs says, “but will you let me speak to him first? i want to know if this he’s the real deal of if we need a restraining order.”

restraining order. this is escalating way past lwj’s mental capacity at the moment.

nhs seems to see that, “you need to go home and rest. i’ll have a masseuse meet you there. let me handle this.”

he says it with such firm conviction that lwj has no choice but to trust him, so he nods.

[Part 2] [Part 3]

#wangxian fic #wangxian #lan wangji #wei wuxain #lwj x wwx #lan zhan #wei ying #the unatmed #cql #mdzs #my fics #hand model au #long fic

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forbidd3nfruit · 4 years

Text

Okay time to rant because I’m sad and don’t want to dump more miserable bullshit on my friends.

My boyfriend broke up with me a month and a half ago due to his own inability to coexist in a healthy relationship. At that point we hadn’t even seen each other since March because of covid, so our whole breakup had to happen over FaceTime – the second time we ever FaceTimed in the entirety of our 1+ year relationship! 🙃 Getting me through this quarantine was knowing I could see him again when it was all over...kiss him, cuddle him, hold him in my arms. Now I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I’ll soon be leaving the comfortable suburbs I spent the quarantine in to return back to my draining life in NYC. Prior to this relationship I spent several years in the city feeling lonely and worthless. All I wanted was love, and it felt like I got burned every time I tried to find it. I don’t know if it’s just the city or what, but I’ve had a long string of short term friendships and it feels like people just come and go. Admittedly I’ve been the one to walk away from friendships as well, but nonetheless I haven’t felt great security or found people I feel like I can really count on. It’s just been me vs. the world. I’m extremely protective of myself so perhaps this is understandable. I’m very discerning about who I allow in my life and who I am vulnerable with. This very much applies to intimacy and because of it, I didn’t have any sex from September 2016 to January 2019. And by no means am I on a spectrum of asexuality. I am very much a horny person! But I’m only really interested in sexual encounters that are fueled by passion and emotional intimacy.

I can be quite the romantic, and I do often daydream about my future partner, but I’m also level headed and logical. I sensed from the beginning with him that our relationship would last a while, though I never thought he was my soulmate or anything like that. It just felt so stable and secure. He was certainly the first person I dated that I felt I could really count on, and outside of romantic feelings, one of the few people in general I really clicked with. Funny enough I wasn’t that attracted to him at first, when he popped up on my Tinder, and I remember consciously deciding to swipe right because I had seen him on social media before and was curious what he’d be like. Flash forward to me falling in love with him. I digress! He wooed me in a fun way, and ending up being the first person I sent nudes to. He felt stable and reliable but at the same time had a naughty flair that made a good balance for me. However things started to subtly change within a relatively short period of time. In the first 4 months of our relationship, we had sex only 5 times and the nudes and sexts started to slowly disappear. I would ask him about it and he always brushed it off, either giving the excuse that his libido ebbs and flows, or later on claiming erectile dysfunction. At the same time, he had become my best friend and someone that I talked to daily. (Or maybe I should clarify and say *texted* because I was the only one in the relationship who initiated actual phone conversations.) I tried to bring up the lack of sex a number of times, sometimes somewhat jokingly, but still seriously, and nothing was changed. Just empty promises of going to a doctor or seeing a therapist, which never happened. (the latter has finally happened, only took the relationship ending 🙄)

I began to confide in a certain friend who I knew would have a good perspective on the situation. She encouraged me to have a serious conversation with him, which I ultimately put off for a long time, and essentially warned me that this relationship would end at some point or another. I knew it was true. But the day to day of our relationship was fun and made me really happy, waking up to his good morning GIFs, getting photos of his pets throughout the day, and generally just talking to each other about anything and everything we were doing. I knew it would be really fucking hard to lose that. As time went on things only got worse. The sex never returned, he wouldn’t fully address the issue, and things were generally getting imbalanced. We barely saw each other once a week. I felt like he didn’t want to make time for me in his life. I made advanced plans for him to meet my parents once which he bailed on because he isn’t willing or able to stand up to his asshole stepdad. Low key we were in a LDR being at opposite ends of the tristate area, which made things tough, and it was getting unfair when he would always ask me to come to him all the time and rarely ever stay a night with me. Which makes no fucking sense because he’s the one living at home with questionably toxic parents and I’m a free bitch in my own apartment!

It became clear that he was not capable of providing me what I needed. And I wasn’t even asking for a lot. He wasn’t capable of providing basic things required in a relationship. I started to get paranoid, and earlier this year when we were about to get out of his car I thought I saw Grindr on his phone out of the corner of my eye. I immediately texted the aforementioned friend about it and she reassured me it was probably something else. As was the case for most of our visits, I put away all my frustration so I could enjoy the very little time I actually got with him. I didn’t even think about it much after that, although if I recall a lot of my frustrations were put over the edge that same night after his mother came into his room at night when the two of us were in bed. Which for me is a serious violation of privacy. I am a grown ass adult and no one’s mother should be walking in on me at 2am when I’m half naked in bed with my boyfriend. (Something I later discussed with him, and he didn’t seem to have much of a problem with. He doesn't see her level of inappropriate behavior or manipulation.) This was days before the quarantine hit, and I had been procrastinating my big conversation, and decided to continue to do so as I felt it was important to have it face to face.

But then shit hit the fan. I was talking with my friend during the quarantine and she asked if he had used this opportunity to send sexy texts or anything like that. I literally laughed in her face lol. At that point it had been over a year since he sent anything like that, and almost a year since we last had sex. She told me that ever since I told her about the possible Grindr incident earlier in the year, she couldn’t stop thinking about it. That there was a chance he was unsure of how to conduct himself in a relationship (definitely true) and therefore possibly talking to other guys casually (questionable). She tried to set a trap but nothing came of it, then again we didn’t really let enough time go by because I was so intensely entrenched in anxiety that I knew my only option was to confront him. So I did, on FaceTime, and he denied it, but after multiple conversations he told me he had to end the relationship. I cried so hard the next day. We both agreed to maintain communication, as a means to retain normalcy in the midst of this pandemic. My anxiety was still running rampant and I was paranoid that he was a) already talking to other guys on Grindr, b) lied about not being on Grindr during the relationship, or both. So this time I went on Grindr to look for myself and sure enough there he was. I know 2 weeks had gone by since our actual breakup but it still fucking stung. This is the person who wouldn’t fuck me or send me a damn dick pic for the last year of our relationship. And 5 minutes after it ends he starts hoeing around again???

I’ve been in so much pain since. We had a face to face meeting which was mostly a success, because he was actually able to be emotionally vulnerable for once in his fucking life, but I’m still hurt. He apologized for everything but never really explained to me why his relationship with sex is so complicated. Then again I doubt even he understands it. My friend reassures me that ultimately, he will be the one suffering with his own inability to process his emotions, whereas I will heal and find love again because I am emotionally intelligent and available. But right now it feels like he’s resumed life as normal and I’m here depressed over seeing his tweets. I miss him so much but thinking about him talking to other guys even if casually still really hurts me. This is someone I placed so much trust in and looked to for security and stability and he couldn’t even meet me halfway. I have so much fucking love to give and I give it with the utmost dignity. If his best at a relationship was half-assing it, I wish he wouldn’t even have gone on Tinder in the first place.

But perhaps I screwed myself over here. I’ve allowed years of sexual frustration to pent up and allowed myself to be in a relationship with someone who was not good enough for me. And apparently I still don’t feel like I deserve better because I’m obsessively thinking about him.

#breakup #break up

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comicteaparty · 4 years

Text

November 23rd-November 29th, 2019 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from November 23rd, 2019 to November 29th, 2019. The chat focused on the following question:

How do you personally deal with hiatuses, both in regards to planned and unplanned breaks?

carcarchu

I feel very guilty when I go on unplanned hiatuses and I avoid going to tapas and webtoons at all until I've got an update completed. i'm scared to see comments complaining about the lack of updates and how many people have unfollowed me in the meantime. i also find it very hard to bounce back from a hiatus. when i've got a groove going it's easier to keep the momentum than it is to start again after a prolonged absence

Deo101

Kinda a rough question haha. I don't go on any hiatuses other than unplanned ones. It's only out of necessity, in the past I did it if school/health got rough, and I'd try to be back the next week with a normal update!!! However.. I have a second comic which has been on hiatus for a year. I miss making it, but I lost the person who I was working with on it so it has been hard to start again. I'm kind of not really dealing with it, as the anxiety of starting again gets worse the longer it's been! But, I know that the only way to get out of it is to just do it, and I have to do it as soon as I can or it will never end. So, I just work my way through them to get back on schedule.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

So far I've only taken one official hiatus, after I finished the second chapter of the comic - I worked on the next chapter's pages for the next two months, then came back and luckily haven't been off hiatus since.

I have another planned hiatus after the next chapter, and this time, I'll be accepting guest art to fill the space - it's not something I was aware was a thing until it was suggested to me. It'll be interesting to come up with a cool way to feature any art I receive. I like the idea of highlighting other artists' work while I'm taking a breather!

eli [a winged tale]

There’s such a huge mental barrier for me when it comes to announcing a hiatus but ultimately life and health come first. I have a comic on hiatus since 2015 (one day it’ll come back haha), and sometimes things happen to push my current one back for updates. I want to tell myself that since I’m producing free content, it should be for fun and not a source of stress (despite industry standards and what I want to achieve). It’s a balance. I think the readers who wait are the ones I am most grateful and treasure.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I have chronic health issues that can be very debilitating, so having hiatuses is something I have to deal with all the time. I might be able to update regularly for a few months, but eventually and inevitably, a sudden hiatus will come. It’s something that causes me a lot of stress on top of an already stressful situation. Readers leave, and then when I’m well enough to work, I don’t just have to churn out as many pages as I can while I can, I also have to rebuild my audience all over again. I hate going on hiatuses and having such an unstable update schedule, but there’s not much I can do about it.(edited)

Cronaj

Aw man... I also have been dealing with chronic health conditions, so I feel you. I finally got treatments that have been working, so I'm able to update consistently now. That being said, I was on hiatus for a year and a half until just recently. It really did destroy the momentum I was building up, and readers I had accumulated. Because of that, I am determined not to take long hiatuses anymore (a week-a month at most) and to announce it beforehand. I do find it important to prioritize health and mental well-being above my comic, but I find my mental health suffering every time I neglect to update my comic, so I find a middle ground by taking short breaks occasionally. Moral of the story: build up a buffer, kids. Don't be like me.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Yeah, same. I'm still trying to get a diagnosis, but I'm kind of an outlier in medicine- my body chemistry is very atypical. I build up those buffers whenever I can, but they always run out sooner or later. I love making comics so much that my mental health suffers, too. I get depressed if I'm not making progress on my comics. I'm really glad you've found a treatment that helps, though! I hope I can too, one of these years.

eli [a winged tale]

What is this mystical buffer everyone keeps talking about

I jest. Keep up the great work everyone! Everyone is trying their best and that’s most important

Capitania do Azar

I always take a small hiatus on the end of each chapter so I can rest and work on writing the next one, usually for a couple months.

sssfrs

I generally take my time with updates anyway. I've lost followers after hiatuses (strangely people only actually started unfollowing me after I came back with a new update) but I'm more focused on getting more of my comic done and progressing towards it being a finished work than keeping a consistent audience. Even though it would be nice...

DanitheCarutor

Fff coincidentally I'm going on a planned hiatus in December. At the end of every chapter I go on one to get feedback, and have some downtime to better plan the next chapter, as well as to get build some buffer. Usually during this time I either hold a Q&A, or do a call for guest art/comics, and I only ever plan to be on break for a month. I don't like being away for longer than that, and the intermission stuff (Q&A's, call for guest art) is announced a month or so beforehand, that way no one is scrambling when the scheduled break starts. As far as an unplanned hiatus, I don't usually have any with my current project. There have been times I've missed the posting deadline due to my fulltime job, but would post either once the page is done or the next week. With my old comic I took a lot of unannounced breaks, not so much because I was busy but I was going through a lot of crap, and morale was really low. It didn't help that it was my very first real attempt at making comics, so I had no idea what I was doing, the story was also hot garbage and became more of a chore to work as time went on. Eventually I just stopped, went on perma-hiatus totally unannounced to this day. I should have let my readers know, but I was really ashamed of myself for not wanting to work on the project (I promised I would complete it), and with a bunch of things suddenly happening in my life I forgot. I'll probably have to go in an unannounced break someday. A lot of things can happen, and being a traditional art only comic creator I'll probably end up running out of supplies eventually, needing to scrounge up some money for more. The nice thing is soooome, hopefully most, of my readers would understand? They know my comic is super time consuming, and that I've been working on it nonstop for 4-5 years now, so they should? Maybe? Hopefully that won't happen, though!

keii4ii

For those of you who take a break after each chapter, how many pages go in an average-length chapter?

🌈ERROR404 🌈

depends on how you're planning to set up your story, whether u want to prioritize to certain print sizes, but the general average chapter size is about 30 pages

Cronaj

I hadn't been planning to take a break between chapters, but we'll see what actually happens. I have chapters ranging from 35-50 pages in length(edited)

DanitheCarutor

Not sure how everyone else is, but I wing it with chapter length. The chapter I'm currently capping off will be 57 pages, although 30-45ish pages is preferred.

eli [a winged tale]

47 for me for this first chapter!

keii4ii

Cool! Was mostly asking a "so how frequently do you take scheduled post-chapter breaks" worded differently

sssfrs

I do 8-12.. I wish I could do more

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I am taking a short holiday break (that was actually planned this time) in between Eryl chapters. My Eryl chapters usually run 30-35 pages, and the break will be around..., 3 weeks I think? I can’t remember exactly. I’m probably going to have to put it back on hiatus partway through the chapter when my buffer runs out because of the aforementioned chronic health issues, though.

spacerocketbunny

I've only taken one hiatus and that was just while my site was being built! But even then we were able to have a short extra comic updating on an alternative site for that time being. We've been updating consistently for 5 years and that's thanks to the stability we've been lucky to have and the fact that there's two of us sharing the work. We've been able to work ahead enough so we've never ran out of a buffer, I'm pretty proud of that tbh(edited)

DanitheCarutor

@keii4ii Oh! So you were asking the time frame in which a chapter is finished? Correct me if I'm wrong. Normally each chapter takes about a year to complete, sometimes a couple months more than that. (for me, that is.)

spacerocketbunny

Nothing wrong with a hiatus though, especially after chapter breaks, I think those are pretty good to keep yourself from burning out!

Cronaj

I do 2-3 pages a week, so I finish a new chapter... about every 4-6 months

keii4ii

I appreciate the answers, everyone!

AntiBunny

I answered this one on Twitter, but I'll answer more at length here. FIrst of all I think a distinction should be made between a Hiatus, which is a planned break, and an extended delay, which is more missed updates compounding with each other.

The former is easier to deal with. Announce it with a clear return date.

The latter is rougher. The artist hasn't planned it, and feelings of guilt can make it harder and harder to return. The best thing to do in that case is to again, get out ahead of it. When you're delayed point people to your social media, and keep posting to make it clear you're still working, or if work has halted completely at least keep posting to let them know when you will be working on it again.

Either way I try to avoid even using the word "hiatus" because webcomic readers tend to read it as "abandoned." Sadly they're all too often right to do so.

Cronaj

Yeah, usually, when announcing a hiatus to my readers, I like to use the word "break" instead

It's a bit softer for some reason

You know, I am 95% certain that my readers thought I had abandoned the project—or died—when I disappeared for a year and a half

Because I know that I have gotten invested in a comic, only for the creator to go incognito

And I always wonder... Are they alright?

keii4ii

I usually figure either life got too busy, or the creator outgrew the project. Or both.

AntiBunny

I know. I stopped updating for almost a year because I wasn't happy with the planned ending of Nailbat. I lost readers I still haven't regained over that one.

In retrospect "waiting for inspiration" was not the ideal way to handle that.

Cronaj

Yeah, the fact that I returned at all is pretty crazy, from a reader's perspective(edited)

I've seen more abandoned projects than I have, "Hey sorry guys! Was dealing with stuff, but now I'm back!"

I mean, it happens

But very infrequently in comparison to the previous sadly(edited)

AntiBunny

Combine the fact that not updating is easier than updating, and the guilt of not updating making you feel like your return has to be even more awesome with every missed update, so you build for yourself a unsalable mountain of imagined expectation, and you have a recipe for abandonment.

Cronaj

Yep!

I'm still trying to regain my momentum

And I always feel so bad if I publish a less-than-stellar page

AntiBunny

There's also the fact that people grow and change. One problem with long form story webcomics is that an artist can outgrow their story.

Cronaj

That is so true

AntiBunny

The most successful tend to be the ones that can grow and change with the artist.

Cronaj

As a novelist as well, I can say that is incredibly accurate

I have dropped so many novels after writing 30k words or more

The only project I've stayed faithful to for over 5 years IS my current comic project

AntiBunny

Sluggy Freelance for example is very different today than when it began. Gunnerkrigg Court as well, and I like to think mine can too.

Though I'll admit I do have a character I've outgrown, and it bugs me people want to see her again.

Cronaj

I think that's just a desire for closure, and for things to come together in the end

AntiBunny

She was more of a comic relief character really. her sort of humor just isn't something I want to write anymore. That kind of edgelord "lol murder," humor isn't something I can write anymore. And unlike the core cast who've grown so that they don't have to come from the same place I was years ago, she hasn't.

I may be drifting off topic a bit there. Anyway I think it serves well as a reminder that for a long term story the characters need to grow with the artist to keep a comic going.

keii4ii

Not every story is meant to grow with the trends, and that's 100% fine. Just means you have to accept the risk of potentially outgrowing the project.

Using the word "trends" pretty broadly

Mine is not very adaptable, and I can't imagine making it more adaptable without altering its core. It doesn't make it less worthy as a story, just... yeah, bigger risk

seetherabbit

I always took breaks or "hiatus" way before I ran out of pages I could in theory add to the buffer

that way I could more easly relax

but also so I don't have to take an hiatus in the middle of a story

Pistashi

everyone needs a break sometimes

I've been updating and working constantly not only on my comic, but alto my yt channel and freelance jobs (because money is always welcomed, even tho I HATE FREELANCE WITH ALL MY CORE)

but I feel like I got momentum now and I dont wanna stop suddendly

sometimes I feel exhausted but then one day later or after 10h of sleep Im fine

I'll take a break later for sure, but rn I feel like this weight of responsibility is helping me build my work ethics

because we cant work just when we are inspired, we dont have that luxury :P

we cant overwork either, so we gotta be smart with our breaks and hiatuses

mathtans

I've been on hiatus more times than I want to count. One of those things where not having much of an audience helps... if no one's really saying much, they either continue not to say anything, or suddenly surface to wish you well.

I will say that I like concluding arcs. My first hiatus was when my wife went into hospital for a bit, I said I'd return but didn't know when. Most of my other hiatuses have been at the ends of arcs... and I'll add that while they were breaks from the comic, they weren't from content. I put up a few behind-the-scenes things, explaining backstory, and had a friend write a column for me too. I've seen other comics do similar, or use guest art.

And for those of you wondering "who's this guy", I've been on hiatus since my daughter was born. Meaning we're going on 17 months. (I may not return to comic work. I have another website I run where I do serials that I'm still maintaining.)

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

In most cases I take a hiatus at the end of a chapter. I have taken two official hiatuses and I think there were some shorter, inofficial ones that I had to take because of other obligations like my studies/family issues/freelance work or finishing books for print. Personally I have managed to not get myself too worked up about hiatuses. I'm doing comics for free and I can't live off of them, so it's inevitable to take breaks. Though I have to say I'm starting into a new chapter without having to go on hiatus, which is pretty neat C:

Pistashi

@Phin (Heirs of the Veil) thats niice! its like the more we work on comics the better (and faster) we get, so keeping the momentum between chapters without a hiatus is an awesome thing! Its the little things tbh

also, you're right. its inevitable to take breaks. specially when you're not working full time and can't live off of them. and like @mathtans said, responsibility shows up and sometimes we have to put things aside

like having a daugther! thats awesome dude! hope your family is doing well (and I know you said you might not get back to comics, but if its something you enjoy keep it up when you're free! making comics is fun) ahdksjnd

Neguri-Senpai-Author

I've actually never gone on a hiatus ever since I started really doing my comic. I can't really go on any hiatuses because I market mine as a weekly comic and additionally I have an oddly strong obsession over consistently in my life so I just feel really really weird if I'd do something like a break from my comic even if I needed it ^^; But currently it's not really that bad. I've been consistent with weekly uploads for a bit over a year now (I've started doing it weekly in September of 2018) and I don't plan on going on a hiatus any time soon. Maybe I'll work a bit in advance but I'm not gonna go on a hiatus to get a break

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

@Pistashi Yeah it's really nice when you finally get a little faster because you optimized your workflow

mathtans

@Pistashi Thanks! Family's doing great, but yeah, most of my free time goes to writing rather than drawing these days. We'll see how things play out.

Desnik

I didn't spotlight my hiatus, but when I finally return to acknowledge it, I'd like to have something to show for it, like a new project or 'this is where I am now' or 'This is what the comic meant to me' so that at least my readers get closure

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble

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phantsms · 5 years

Photo

psd by @thalsrph.

𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒸𝒽 𝒶𝓅𝓅 ( Reeve Carney. male, he/him, how does a moment last forever + celine dion. ) i heard ELIOT GODFREY singing the other night, though it didn’t sound like english… it’s so admirable that someone who’s only THIRTY-SIX can sing latin so fluently! heard they hang out with those LUX CIRCLE, that must be because they’re an OWNER AND ARTIST at O FORTUNA TATTOO. i always see them going home to BROOKLYN by SUBWAY under the moonlit night.

TW: Death Mention

NOW I KNOW SHE’LL NEVER LEAVE ME, EVEN AS SHE FADES FROM VIEW SHE WILL STILL INSPIRE ME, BE A PART OF EVERYTHING I DO

since he was old enough to understand, eliot bought into the whole “witch” thing. his closest friends were the kids around his age in lux circle, and the older ones -- including his siblings, most notably -- taught him everything he needed to know: their magic was never used to harm, only defend. push it too hard, and it’ll push back. he picked it all up really quickly.... he was born into it, after all.

his true best friend wasn’t in lux, though. anabelle, on the contrary, had a mother, isabelle, that was very much affiliated with noctis. he felt a connection immediately, one that defied circle boundaries. when he was older, even, he recognized it for what it really was: love. passionate, enduring, selfless love.

eliot liked to think it wasn’t entirely one-sided, but he never said anything, especially not when she married a human. it hurt to see someone he was quite in love with fall for and marry someone else, but his love for her was deep enough that, at the end of the day, eliot didn’t care. he really and truly just wanted her to be happy, and she was with charlie. he still loved her, and that would never really go away, but he’d be okay.

somewhere along the line, anabelle got pregnant, and she promised that she’d make eliot the godfather once the child was born. it was a duty he happily accepted, and he would even attend the birth.

things went horribly wrong at said birth, though. anabelle wouldn’t survive the birth. beyond the crushing, pervasive heartbreak that is natural when losing someone you love, eliot had a sinking feeling that foul play was involved... particularly at the hands of anabelle’s grandmother. before he got the chance to look further into it or even hold his goddaughter, isabella made it clear that he needed to leave. she didn’t say a word, but her eyes said it all: “leave now and don’t look into it, if you know what’s good for you,” more or less. he took it very seriously, and he made no effort to see his goddaughter or charlie (he certainly didn’t interact with isabelle, but that was to be expected). years later, though, he still thinks about them, wonders how they’re doing, feels ashamed for not doing anything for his goddaughter or charlie then and continuing to not do anything.

shortly after the incident, he got the first of many tattoos: anabelle’s name, in her handwriting, on his left wrist. so began the next phase of his life.

CERTAIN AS THE SUN, RISING IN THE EAST TALE AS OLD AS TIME, SONG AS OLD AS RHYME

he was a drawing student at pratt institute before the tattoo and before the events surrounding the birth of anabelle’s child, but he wasn’t entirely sure about what he wanted to do with it. he felt another spark after getting the tattoo, though, one strangely similar to the one with anabelle: he could tattoo for a living. it felt right to him. he’d apprentice at a local parlor through graduation and would open his own shortly after -- o fortuna tattoo, eliot would call it. he though it was clever, or whatever.

of course, he made an instagram account for his shop. he’d post tattoo concepts, random drawings, works of his, and whatever else he saw fit. eventually, he’d grow to be quite popular because of it. he’d then get a fairly solid waiting list (one that necessitated the hiring of more artists), a regular set of clientele, and whatever else it is modestly successful and moderately famous tattoo shops have.

HOW DOES A MOMENT LAST FOREVER WHEN OUR SONG GOES ON

he never thought he could love anyone like he did anabelle... not, of course, until he got to know magdalena, one of his regulars. at first sight, it was painfully obvious she was gorgeous, and then she’d come back for followup sessions and probably even just to talk, just for kicks. he’d get to know her, her spunk, her protective instincts, what made her tick. at that point, eliot couldn’t help but fall for her.

the spark, however, wouldn’t come until after they made things official and began dating; to be clear, maggie made things official, not eliot. he felt the spark when his first thought after she took the plung was about how he needed to get ahold of the family ring (or one of them, or go buy one, who knows), cuz he knew he’d marry her someday.

they come dangerously close to it, too. after a year or so, maybe shorter and maybe longer, he proposes to her (the exact details are TBD, but it’s super cute and fluffy and romantic). they find a venue, try cake samples (the most important part), and even send out announcements and invitations.

eliot gets cold feet, though, all thanks to encountering his goddaughter, ophelia, or her father, charlie, or both. he never got proper closure, and he thought he was fine, but the aforementioned encounter caused a major freakout. his feelings for anabelle, and everything surrounding her death, seemed to flood back,and he made yet another mistake he regrets and thinks about to this day: he called off the wedding and the engagement.

eliot and maggie tried staying together after that, but ti just wasn’t the same. they weren’t quite at the same place anymore, and, for very valid reasons, maggie was hurt and quite embarrassed, and it wouldn’t go away so long as they stayed together.

they broke up entirely shortly after. like, delete numbers, un-follow and un-add on social media, frequent another tattoo shop-entirely. they wouldn’t speak, interact, or cross each other’s paths again until 5+ years later.

NO PAIN COULD BE DEEPER, NO LIFE COULD BE CHEAPER NO POINT ANYMORE, IF I CAN’T LOVE HER

so, fiveish years later, and we’re now in present times. maggie’s a professor at nyu, something that eliot had no knowledge of, just so you know. eliot’s now experiencing tremendous levels of success as a celebrity tattoo artist. same shop, same artists, but with the addition of a certain degree of clientele that can and are willing to pay bucket loads that have fans who are also (or, at the very least, follow the shop on social media (it’s verified on all platforms, BTW!) and show up at the physical location, in hopes of spotting their favorite stars).

making six figures easily, he has the means to afford something crazy, like going to nyu just for kicks. he’s been tattooing for awhile now, and a change of pace is necessary, even though he still loves what he does. he decides, in light of this, to pursue an mfa in studio art and branch out into more traditional forms of art, like painting (he happens to quite like it, too, so no worries).

of course, though, this has the potential to be very problematic, but neither of them know it -- yet, that is. stay tuned for more!

#nightsbound:intro

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salavante · 5 years

Note

Aesop 29 or the Helmsman

(I’ve drawn his floating head a lot, so here’s him with his hood up, which I draw less) Also formal apology because I think like maybe no more than four people who follow me play Destiny, so a couple things may sound a little esoteric. I’d suggest checking out the Ishtar Collective (links to offsite) if I refer to something unfamiliar.

Full Name: Aesop-29

Gender and Sexuality: Male and Homosexual.

Pronouns: He/Him.

Ethnicity/Species: Exo, from the little crop of Destiny fancharacters that I have.

Birthplace and Birthdate: Unknown factor. But Aesop was found by his Ghost in the middle of nowhere, in a southwestern state that I have not chosen yet. Arizona, Texas, Colorado and Southern California are all candidates. Aesop has just a little bit of a Texan accent.

Guilty Pleasures: Aesop is trying to learn how to play guitar and is really bad at it, making him very shy and nervous about his attempts. Similarly, Aesop enjoys singing, but usually does it when no one else is around - because no one else has really heard him sing before, it is a well kept secret between him and his Ghost that he’s actually pretty good. I personally like to keep the list of music that he likes to the 50’s-60’s bracket to match the kind of retrofuturistic style that the Golden Age tech in Destiny has. We the viewer read it as being ‘old’, even if it’s much, MUCH older than we realize because the setting is far future. That’s really all that matters, that we recognize it as being antiquated. His favorite of the very small pool of albums he has access to are Marty Robbins’ “Gunfighter Ballads and Trail Songs” and Nancy Sinatra’s “Boots” and “Sugar”. Sojourn teases him about it and has thusly introduced him to the feeling of shame. He also likes drinking alcohol even if it doesn’t actually make him drunk. Sometimes he does it out of spite. Someone you don’t like? Pound his drink right in front of him and walk away.

Phobias: Aesop’s kinda agoraphobic - he feels trapped and panicked in enclosed areas with lots of people, can be overstimulated by large groups of people talking/making a lot of noise. This makes him mostly useless in large-scale conflicts. He has managed to curb some of this by being accompanied by Sojourn or Calico to areas or situations that are high risk (whether that means a combat scenario or just going to The City), but this can get squirrely because Calico doesn’t have a ghost anymore and if killed would die permanently, and Sojourn has a tendency to get worked up in a fight and leave him behind on accident. If everything goes well though, Aesop is perfectly functional fighting in the small group that is his fireteam - himself, Sojourn (exo warlock) and King (human titan). His ghost, Chanticleer, can also sometimes talk him down if he’s starting to spin up into a panic attack. It’s something that he wants to fix, but, existing within the confines of your anxiety is a cold comfort that he indulges in. In general, he’s a very anxious person with a lot of existential dread, but he puts on a clownish, brazen act and hopes people don’t notice.

What They Would Be Famous For: Honestly, probably something very mundane, like breaking a dopey Guinness-style record or something like that. The entire point of Aesop is that he is very average in his skills in a world of blisteringly powerful space wizards and the like. I find his challenges are more about what goals he sets for himself and if those goals conflict with the status quo. Does his worth need be defined by how good he is at killing things vs. is the pursuit of personal wellness and happiness selfish in the context of a world fighting for its survival. Can these things coexist. etc.

What They Would Get Arrested For: Probably something relatively benign done for the sake of pulling a dangerous stunt in the name of fun or looking cool. If he was a regular ass human in a normal modern setting, probably taking a nice vintage car for a joyride.

OC You Ship Them With: Aesop will have a love interest in the comic canon, but I’m gonna keep that under my hat for awhile yet. It’s not Cayde though, Cayde is dad. If Amanda Holliday was a man, he’d be utterly and entirely in love, but, alas. He’s still infatuated with her platonically though, and thinks she has pretty much the coolest job in the world. A promise of visiting her is a good way to entice him into going to The City.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: When death is not a factor, this becomes less of an issue, hah. Aesop and his bff Sojourn have killed each other a number of times in training, to an almost nonchalant degree. Aesop has also been killed much more in training, by his fireteam’s resident titan, King. Aesop will also find a rival in a local Fallen pike gang, the leader of which has the placeholder name of Easy Rider. I also have a Cabal villain I am throwing around and trying to decide if they’ll stick, but I need to do a lot more work and research on that. They’re my least favorite enemy type mechanically, but I think they could make perfectly acceptable antagonists in a narrative.

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Aesop does not read. He can, he just doesn’t. I think maybe, MAYBE, someone could get him to read comic books, but those aren’t very sturdy and I feel like the amount of intact physical copies at this point would be almost nothing. The pool of movies and media that he has available to him are very sparse, but he absolutely drowns himself in spaghetti westerns, and would probably also like trashy action movies if they were available to him. I also think he would like Grease, HAHA. It has cars and guys in leather jackets singing in it. He’d also probably like any kind of rustic, western themed musical. And anything with cars in it would have his immediate interest no matter how bad it is, but he’d zone out in any parts he doesn’t like.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: To be honest I think most of the time, movies are a little too long for him and lose his interest partway through. He has a really short attention span and anything too long, complicated or artsy will lose him and he’ll start being fidgety and chatty and start making his boredom everyone else’s problem. Even if there’s a movie he likes, if there’s a part that’s boring to him, he zones out. He probably watches the same 2-3 movies over and over again, which is fine because his available library of media is probably really small. I like to think that they probably have movies in some kind of archive that they put up publicly in The City every once in awhile, like they have a projector that puts it on the side of a building and people just bring chairs and shit. Aesop has an aforementioned fear of crowds but he probably does some hunter parkour bullshit and perches somewhere at a healthy distance to watch from afar, as long as it’s something he thinks he would like. If he doesn’t he gets up and leaves.

Talents and/or Powers: Aesop seems to have an interest in vehicles, but due to a bet with his mentor, Calico, he has not actually been taught how to drive a Sparrow and so pines for them from afar. As said, he’s learning how to play an instrument, and if we want to be technical, is a Gunslinger speced Hunter with the Golden Gun super. He is very bad at being stealthy, as he is very impatient and is also a little bigger than the average exo. He’s just kinda tall and wide and tends to clunk around. If his Ghost Chanticleer wasn’t as clever as she was, Aesop would probably be perma-dead by now.

Why Someone Might Love Them: He’s kind of a dumbass and a space cadet but has the potential to be very sweet, and the people he cares about, he latches on to really hard. Similarly, when set to a task he cares about, he does not quit. Unfortunately, many of his goals are unresolved, but it does not mean that he will stop trying. If he were to, say, become romantically interested in someone, he would go to great lengths to connect with him, even if it meant doing things Aesop himself may not like. In specific circumstances, Aesop may find that he has a great capacity for nurturing and bringing out the best in other people, a talent Aesop himself undervalues. Though he’s not all that intelligent, Aesop is very reflective and existentially inquisitive, and thinks about a lot of big picture stuff that other people might push aside in an era of crisis. Though he may not understand science or the way the world works in a mechanical sense, he is awed by it, and is a great appreciator of natural beauty. He’d cry at a particularly beautiful sunrise, if he could cry. I’d say he could be described as having a romantic soul.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: To be honest, Aesop has trouble establishing empathy with people he doesn’t know very well, and so is less invested in Earth’s plight than he probably should be (it would not be hard for Dead Orbit to sway him to their views). This makes some people think that he doesn’t take his charge seriously, and they also usually assume that he’s a slacker because he’s plateaued in his abilities so early. Really, Aesop is acutely socially anxious, can have panic attacks in large crowds, and generally prefers to stay away from The City unless he needs to go there, and so has a big emotional disconnect from it. Calico and Chanticleer have tried to get him more accustomed to groups, but has been thusfar mostly unsuccessful. His insecurity and anxiety also cause him to pull odd, dangerous stunts to prove his worth, making him unreliable and impulsive. He can bungle social interactions rather spectacularly, and is easily goaded into doing really stupid shit. Really, he is a person who may just be “too much” for some.

How They Change: Oooooghhh….I can’t talk about this. I forgot how frustrating it is to not be able to talk about things because you’re going to make a comic out of it. Suffice it to say he’s gonna change a lot.

Why You Love Them: I think Aesop encapsulates a lot of anxieties I have post-college. Aesop is a person in transition who is unsure of his future, knowing only that he can’t quit now, because quitting means failure and failure means death. Because he is in transition, he is anxious about forming relationships with people, worried that either he will be left behind by them, or that they won’t like him when he’s “finished” becoming a person. I think he has a complex relationship with his personhood and sense of self. I dunno, I think that’s an interesting anxiety for a protagonist to have. I am also interested to see what Aesop will end up contributing to his society/organization and his interpersonal relationships, and if he’ll be happy with it. I’ve put a lot of work into him, the ‘original Aesop’ I had in mind might as well be a completely different character now. Aesop was originally a little cameo that I did in our TTRPG game, Godslaughter, because my boyfriend had put a dunmer cameo character into our game and I wanted to return the favor. Then he made a sheet for him. Then I decided to keep him around, then I decided to play Destiny 2, then I decided I loved it, lol. There is still a version of Aesop in the TTRPG but he is so incredibly different, they may as well be different characters. We refer to him as “Bad Aesop” but should probably call him something more dignified (we won’t).

#solrika

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your-dietician · 3 years

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'You have to just love it'

New Post has been published on https://tattlepress.com/sports/you-have-to-just-love-it/

'You have to just love it'

Jazz Chisholm knows that baseball is difficult, that there remains a significant gulf he must cross to match his significant talent and overwhelming charisma to his production.

Right now, this is who Jazz is: A rookie infielder for the Miami Marlins whose stat line says his production is just above league average, but his swag suggests he’s anything but.

This is who Jazz could be: A dynamic, powerful, five-tool force, whose desire to disrupt the game could vault him atop the short list of burgeoning baseball stars with ever-elusive crossover appeal.

This is how he plans to get there: By sacrificing nothing – certainly not the vicious bat speed from his swing that ensures the home runs he does hit go very, very far. And certainly not the exuberance that vaulted him from the Bahamas to the big leagues, endearing him to fans and perhaps enabling him to join some of his athletic heroes – Kobe, LeBron, KD – as a wonder known only by one name.

And what’s the tune Jazz lives by?

“To this day,” he says, “I just always try to tell kids to be themselves. Don’t let nobody change you. You go out there and play the way you want to go play.

“That’s why I always do the crazy hair colors, I do my dances and I just have fun out there because I just want everybody to know, it’s OK to have fun on the baseball field.

“You know?”

If you don’t, you probably will soon.

Jazz Chisholm looks on before a game against the Braves.

Mark Brown, Getty Images

‘Why not bring it into the game?’

Perhaps you found out on Opening Day, when Chisholm fulfilled a promise made to Marlins ace Sandy Alcantara. Chisholm, whose hair changes color with the ease of South Florida weather patterns, was planning a platinum blonde look.

Yet as spring training wound down and Chisholm – who debuted on Sept. 1 in the pandemic-shortened 2020 – had a shot to make his first Opening Day roster, Alcantara had a suggestion.

Make the team, he said, and you dye your hair blue.

“I said, ‘I got you,’” Chisholm recalls. “It was history from there.”

Chisholm came through, breaking camp with the squad and showing up for the opener with a tone resembling a Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pop.

Perhaps you noticed a couple weeks later, when Chisholm hit his second home run of the season, a towering shot off Atlanta’s Charlie Morton, and then, befitting his significant basketball skills, debuted a euro step as he crossed home plate.

Contrived?

Nope. Just a part of his personality, reflexive as a fist bump or handshake.

“I will walk around the clubhouse euro-stepping on people,” he says. “I’ll be in front of someone and last second, I’ll give ‘em a euro, you know, like, ‘Get out of the way.’ It’s something I do all day, every day.

“So why not bring it into the game? Why not misdirect it going into home, and then step on it?”

Chisholm has nine homers and 10 steals in 51 games.

Jasen Vinlove, USA TODAY Sports

It’s not like Chisholm is pimping home runs that scraped the top of the wall.

He is the only player this season to go deep on pitches of at least 100 mph, doing it first off the great Jacob deGrom on April 18 and then the Phillies’ Jose Alvarado a month later. He is, in fact, the only player with two such homers since pitch-tracking began in 2008.

Listed at 5-11 and 184 pounds, Chisholm – full name Jasrado Hermis Arrington Chisholm – seemingly manifested his skills by watching his grandmother play softball.

Yeah, Grandma could turn on one.

“The small person with the pop? Yeah, I think I got that from her, too,” he says.

Patricia Coakley, now 77, played on the Bahamian national softball team, and played the sport long enough for Jazz to see her compete both in slow- and fastpitch formats. He saw himself in her, from the aforementioned quick bat to the tenacious baserunning approach to her play at shortstop.

And so when Chisholm was barely old enough to hold a bat, he called dibs on the position, fully intending to never leave.

“I just loved seeing her play shortstop. I fell in love with watching her, too,” he says. “It was always like that from when I was probably 4 and 5 – just run straight to shortstop.

“Grandma’s a shortstop, I’m a shortstop.”

Clearly, he picked an excellent role model, though there weren’t many others locally. Just eight players from the Bahamas preceded Chisholm to the majors, with infielder Andre Rodgers – who played from 1967 to ’77 – the only one to hold down anything resembling a full-time role. Antoan Richardson was the most recent, serving largely as a pinch runner from 2011 to 2014, and he’s now a coach for the San Francisco Giants.

Young Jazz focused on his grandmother’s exploits and fixated on televised games featuring Ken Griffey Jr., Barry Bonds and Derek Jeter.

And was convinced he’d play on their level.

“I always told myself that I was going to be a big leaguer, from a very young age,” he says. “It was not really tough believing I was going to be a big leaguer.”

Chisholm played plenty of ball stateside as a child, often in Miami, and attended a prep school in Kansas for a spell, eventually signing with Arizona as an international free agent. While he’s sanguine about his own rise, he’s humbled when he ponders his impact back home.

“Every time I go to the Bahamas I see a little kid telling me, ‘Hey, you made me start playing baseball,’” he says. “It makes me smile nonstop when I hear that.”

They have a dynamic hero to follow, even if he’s an unfinished product. Chisholm is on pace to hit 20 home runs and steal 20 bases this season; he clubbed his ninth home run of the season Thursday night in a loss to the Washington Nationals, pushing his batting average to .258 and his OPS to .766.

With just 276 plate appearances behind him, Chisholm has room to grow. That makes him a good match for Miami, which acquired him from Arizona for pitcher Zac Gallen in 2019. “I love the people out here,” he says. “This is just the life that I feel like I was here to live. My kind of place.”

Chisholm celebrates a home run against the Mets.

Andy Marlin, USA TODAY Sports

Fresh fish

The Marlins are 31-43 and lagging in the NL East, a pitching-centric club with a lineup that looks emaciated even within this season’s historically grim league environment.

Yet for a franchise dogged for decades by ham-handed ownership, they have a decidedly fresh feel.

They have a quietly beautiful ballpark still not yet a decade old, yet new owner Bruce Sherman bears none of the blame for bamboozling the city into a hideously bad stadium deal. In Jeter they have a CEO with star power but also patience, and the forward-thinking mentality to hire the first woman as a major league GM, the highly-regarded Kim Ng.

Alcantara and rookie lefty Trevor Rogers are worthy aces, with the injured Sixto Sanchez also capable of holding that role. At Class AA Jacksonville, pitching prospects Max Meyer and Edward Cabrera join outfielder J.J. Bleday, all consensus top 100 prospects nearing the big leagues.

In Miami, Chisholm defers to veterans such as Jesus Aguilar and Miguel Rojas, who when healthy nudges Chisholm to second base. From a baseball standpoint, Chisholm says he goes to great lengths not to “get cocky with the veterans.”

Yet they share a desire to keep things loose, from the clubhouse to the kicks; Rojas has long used social media to amplify his shoe game, while Chisholm has donned footwear celebrating concepts as disparate as Miami Vice and Oreo cookies.

Earlier this week, he debuted a gold chain that commemorated a remarkable leaping catch against the Tampa Bay Rays.

“The Miami Marlins’ whole roster right now – you look at what they’re wearing on their feet, even down to the coaches sometimes, it’s just straight heat, I’m not going to lie,” says Chisholm. “Everybody is just into that stuff – having the swag, having fun on the field.”

It all may seem a bit excessive for a second-division club, yet the Marlins also made the playoffs in 2020 and swept the Chicago Cubs out of them. Manager Don Mattingly says the veteran tone set by the likes of Aguilar and Rojas “helps your club create an atmosphere that guys like playing in.” He is confident Chisholm will develop greater consistency both in routine and performance, calling his development arc “pretty normal” for a first-year player.

As for Chisholm, he’s prepared for the roller-coaster the game provides. His homer Thursday broke a 15-day streak without a dinger, a period filled with too many weak ground balls. It is a hallmark of the game he chose that he might go days without making an impact, when instead of euro stepping over the plate he’s making an abrupt right turn back to the dugout.

He cannot control his fate in a manner that LeBron can or Kobe could, and if he’s given just one pitch to turn and burn on, he may very well miss it.

Chisholm knows this well and chooses not to dwell on it. Like the island kid who just knew he’d be a big leaguer some day, Chisholm may be right when he believes this game will reward his undying love for it.

“It’s not frustrating,” he says of failure, “because you know how hard the game is. It’s just like, ‘Man, I’m just praying I get another one. Give me another one.’ It’s not really like, ‘Man, I missed my only chance.’ No, because you still got two more strikes to play with. And you might get the worst swing of your life off, but it can be a hit.

“This game can really mess with your mind – because you could be hitting the ball as hard as you want every day and not get a hit. And then you can go break four bats in one day and have four hits. That’s why you have to just love it. Because even though it takes away, it gives back.

“And it gives back big.”

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prefrontallube · 7 years

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Abandonment Issues

I’m not sure where this stemmed from exactly, but I guess I can roughly pinpoint it to when my father shouted to my mom in the middle of that January night, “I don’t want our kids at all, and I’m sure of it”. As an 8-year-old, I couldn’t comprehend how someone could tell you that you’re their whole world in the morning and then chuck you like you’ve never meant a thing when night arrived.

Soon, I started online dating at the mere age of 11. In retrospect, I attribute the early dating to find some sense of validation for my self-worth, as well as for it to be a source of love. Both of which were scarce when my father was in prison, and my mom working and dating countless of men.

I invested a hard 2 years on a strictly pixelated relationship with this presumed boy via Habbo Hotel. After doing so, I found out that he was going to end what we had in exchange for a more physical alternative. That was my first heartbreak. I still remember crying over High School Musical songs. Again, I couldn’t comprehend how people could leave another after promising so many happily ever afters.

This cycle repeated as I went through boys like cards in a deck, in a bid to also convince myself that I wasn’t gay after all. The entire process lasted until I couldn’t deny the fact any longer, approximately till when I was 20.

Thinking that girls would be more sensitive, I made the grave mistake of dating one who yearned so much to be an equivalent to men. I don’t suppose I was much in love with her. After years of having my self-esteem eroded like the shore by the sea, I was more than elated to feel worthy of a relationship with another girl. I fell in love with the idea of the relationship and made it clear on social media through means of ostentatious posts and misleading pictures. Having settled for someone who was beneath me in several ways, I never gave much thought to how she could’ve broken her promises too. And so she did.

After which, I gave myself some time to reflect and focus on my self. My self-image improved tremendously, and I picked up certain aspirations of a better future along the way. I promised myself I would not find for love and let it find me instead. Over time however, I realised that thinking was obsolete and meant more for easily accessible straights. So I went through my trusty dating app in a bid to both progress my research on Modern Romance, and also get to know some interesting individuals along the way. I didn’t look for love. Or so I told myself.

I met this beautiful girl and we started off purely as friends and research buddies at first, but soon progressed to something more, and eventually a full blown relationship. Despite the improvement I made from my aforementioned journey, I couldn’t help but feel, “What if I lost this amazing person in my life, so easily, and so gradually, over something stupid that I said or did?”

For the most part, I knew that it wasn’t that I had no trust in the relationship. Rather, it felt as though I didn’t trust myself to not drive someone away. After all, many people have came and went, maybe it was me. But she was something different. And I really knew she was special because she devoted time to let me communicate through my abandonment issues. I felt that anyone could leave me, even my father, and even more recently my sister who didn’t give a damn when I was sick, picking her ego over my well-being. So yes, I am struggling with this still, but I do feel that I am making some form of improvement along the way. Sometimes I’m not even sure what triggers me, but I’d only find out soon after I write my feelings out like this. For instance, my trigger today was knowing that my own family members could disengage from me, so much so, that they would ignore their empathy drives just so as to prove their point. The other trigger that brought this attack to a full-blown one was a certain Facebook video on how forevers were nothing but temporary for certain couples.

I realise I must’ve overthought a lot of things through, and even encouraged their further growth by ruminating about them through the afternoon hours today. But as a promise to myself and my wonderful girlfriend, I’ve told myself that I would give myself a time limit as to how long I could rectify my overthinking on my own. Today, I gave myself to nightfall before I communicated my feelings out. The next time I do have an attack, I’d give myself 6 hours. And the next 3 hours. And the next, hopefully immediately.

I’m coming to see overthinking as a habit and every habit should be weaned off gradually. Thus, my system above. Hopefully this works out, and until it does, I am immensely grateful for a very understanding girlfriend.

Thank you Lisa for fighting for me as I would for you.

#overthinking #writing #solution #abandonment issues #anxiety #personal experience

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immaterialgirls · 7 years

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As if you didn't know, Glossier is the well-loved brainchild of the makeup-loving crew of Into the Gloss, the kind of beauty publication I'd love to love if they didn't make me outrageously uncomfortable. Even though Into the Gloss is run by people who seem to have had the proverbial silver spoon in their mouth since the day they were born - at least, no one bats an eyelash at interviewing people who talk about the 50 dollar lipstick they fell in love with at age 16, surely not a universal experience - Glossier is an actually fairly affordable brand for a lot of people and their branding hits all the right notes. I was seduced by their trademark powder pink, their vibrant, natural-makeup, multicolored models, the accessibility of their website, and finally, the quality of the products I put on my face. But as time has gone on my opinion of the brand has shifted a little bit, and I want to evaluate it as honestly as I can, so I've been putting this off for a really long time because there are so many products I had yet to try. I'll start from the top with this one. Priming Moisturizer, $25 Of the initial range of products, back when Phase 1 consisted of this, the skin tint, the face mist and balm dot com, this was the only truly necessary one, and is certainly the product that earned them their landslide victory over the hearts and wallets of their consumer base. Glossier's packaging is pink little bags! They send you stickers with every purchase! All the same, it was this liquid-y, face soothing, super hydrating tube of joy that made everyone hype the brand. Even in the dead of winter when this isn't quite doing it for me, all i need to do is add a few more steps to my face routine, which I'd surely be doing anyway, to get the hydration I need. I just find this sits well on the skin, absorbs to a nice velvet finish, and does, probably, prime my skin nicely for makeup. It certainly makes it go on smoothly and evenly, and doesn't leave my skin feeling like it needs more moisture. Skin Tint, $26 Is this a very thin liquid that offers essentially zero coverage? Yes. Do they claim it has diamond powder in it without acknowledging that while a real thing, diamond powder does not come from diamonds? Oh yes. But somehow, Skin Tint really is slightly blurring, redness-reducing, color-evening in a way that imperceptibly makes your skin look better, and if your skin is relatively okay, this + concealer is actually very wearable. I'm almost out of this bottle and I've been debating whether or not to repurchase it, because when they updated the shade range, it looks like they lightened the shade Medium to me (which is what I use). But the color is so sheer I can't see how it would actually make any difference. On very lazy days I tend to use a few drops of this as a base and then apply RMS Un Cover-Up over the top of it because it blends out more easily and I don't have to apply it everywhere. Soothing Face Mist, $18 I never paid money for this one; I got it when they did a giveaway thing where if enough people used your recommendation link to sign up, you'd get free stuff, and 20 kind friends of mine used my recommendation link so I got this and the coconut balm. Well! This is the best rosewater spray on the market, and easily one of the least expensive. (The Mario Badescu is cheaper, but uses dog rose, and my skin reacts badly to it. Everything else seems to be more expensive.) I've tried other face mists since I ran out of this one, but absolutely nothing compares in terms of rose scent or hydration benefits. I wore this constantly. In the morning, in the evening, before makeup, after makeup - there's no way you can go wrong with it. And then, of course, I emptied it. It's taken me literally a year but I've repurchased it and guess what? I use it. All day. Every day. A non-essential essential product that is, from my frustrated attempts to find it in another brand, best from Glossier. Balm dot Com, $12 Look, this is a thick balm that is mostly petroleum, though they advertise its castor oil and beeswax as being what makes it so grand. But I admit this one is a little better than other thick petroleum-based balms I've tried, like the TokyoMilk one or the C.O. Bigelow and Smiths rose salves, which are thicker and much thinner, respectively. I got the Coconut flavor in the aforementioned giveaway and it changed my opinion about coconut as a scent; it's buttery and rich, not fake in the slightest. I use this after exfoliating my lips in the morning, and it's mostly sunk enough in by the time my makeup is done that I can put on lipstick over it and walk out the door, but I don't like it as a balm on un-exfoliated lips for the same reason I don't like any other petroleum-based lip balms. When they updated this with more flavors, I got the Rose one as well (of course) and it's very pretty, but its pink tint is non-existent. Milky Jelly Cleanser, $18 This was... my first fumble with this brand. At this point, Glossier's star was risen so high that I think they could have produced anything and gotten the same degree of praise, but I was out of my regular face cleanser and desperate to try this. After all, everyone said it was absurdly hydrating and smelled of rosewater! I would have trusted this brand with my life, but all they asked me to trust them with was skin. I delivered myself into their hands. This cleanser is not very good. I am sure other people who love it are not lying, though some of them might smudging the truth a little. The hype for Glossier is very real! Milky Jelly is made with hyaluronic acid, which is meant to absorb moisture from the air into your skin, but often just absorbs it from your skin and brings it to the surface, leaving it momentarily very plump but drier after the hyaluronic acid is gone. And i think that is the case with this one. When it goes on (and the pump makes it very hard to control how much you use, so in spite of the low cost of this, I think if I used it regularly i'd go through it very quickly), it has a thick jelly texture and a natural rose scent that I loved, and it feels divine on the skin - but my skin felt dry when I rinsed it off! That is a no-go for me in a face cleanser. But I was desperate to make this work for me anyway. Until I realized it was breaking me out. Stopped using it, skin returned to normal. Went back to it, happened again. So it was clearly the cleanser. That's just my skin, however. The real problem I have with this product is that it was advertised as a divine makeup-removal product, so you didn't have to remove your makeup and then wash your face. In actuality, this wouldn't remove my makeup at all, even if I washed my face with it a second time. I have a hard time believing that's just my skin somehow, so when I see people praising how this melts away every trace of your makeup and leaves your skin soft and moisturized, I have to admit, I'm a skeptic. Stretch Concealer, $18 First of all, I bought this in the shade Dark, which is... too dark. Medium was out of stock, but I don't think I'm going to purchase Medium at any point in time so I can't compare them. I saw a lot of Glossier's go-to models and spokeswomen praising this for its sheerness and dewiness where a lot of concealers are bulletproof and cakey. And... respectfully, I think most people don't want sheerness from their concealers, or they, at least, want buildability. The finish of stretch isn't dewy; it's greasy. It is wearable under powder, but it absolutely doesn't have a normal skin finish even on my skin which is normally oily-leaning. I didn't hate Stretch Concealer when used as extra coverage foundation over my Skin Tint, but I found I still needed an additional concealer for the purpose of concealing blemishes. If you're a Glossier model you already don't have blemishes, do you now? But I am not a model of any kind and believe it or not, I require coverage from my concealers. A personal preference, I know. Stretch's oily base doesn't build when you try to add more, it just moves the product around. To compare this to the RMS Un Cover Up that I strongly suspect it was inspired by, they aren't all that similar (although I do think Stretch would be a less frustrating product if it were, like Un Cover Up, marketed as a foundation and concealer; I wouldn't expect as high a coverage from it then). Stretch doesn't settle into the skin, but kind of sits on top of it a bit, has a dewy to greasy formula and finish, and isn't buildable. Un Cover Up has a velvety to dewy formula, has to be worked into skin but then melds entirely with your skin and looks like your skin, and is buildable to a roughly medium finish (though I still need actual high coverage concealer on my spotty or my bad-feel days). Haloscope in Quartz, $22 This is one of my favorite and one of my least favorite products. Let me explain. At this point, I realized that Glossier was no longer what I had loved it for being. They had released lipsticks and a brow product that, unlike the moisturizer, were, in spite of their low prices, costlier price per ounce than other high-end brands - so though each tube cost less than other brands, you would get very little product. I wanted to try these things and their formulas and promises sounded appealing, but I just couldn't justify spending the money. I also was so unimpressed by the concealer and face wash not living up to both Glossier's promises and the army of yeswomen in its service who go on social media and talk up how they beat out everything else that when the same thing happened with Haloscope, I couldn't be excited. How much respect could I have for a brand that sold its highlighter on the strength of its real crystal extract (it was in their ad copy and word for word praised by all the girls who reviewed it on youtube, so you can deduce they were told to mention that specifically) when it actually gets it glimmer from mica? That said, I did buy Quartz. It's a solid shimmer stick in a plastic tube that adds a glimmery pigment that looks like light hitting your face but nicer. I actually love the dewy core of this and wish they'd modify it into a lip balm because I'd use this as a lip balm if I could; I just hate frosty lips. At first Quartz did not impress me and I wished I had gotten Topaz, but it grew on me, and its neutral beiginess makes it wearable with every blush, eye and lip combo I own. I still don't like its hugeness (I like to apply with a finger) or the packaging it comes in, which makes me cringe. I still don't like how their ad copy and model army clearly suggest that the glow on your face is the result of crystals, when it's the result of mica. I hate that Glossier literally calls this "the galaxy's first dew-effect highlighter", when RMS Beauty's living luminizer has literally been around longer, and other natural beauty brands have been making highlighters with the exact same ingredients, coconut and castor seed oils, for the exact same finish and formula for years. Do I love this product? Yes. But what it reveals about Glossier's marketing is ugly. Vapour, RMS and Ilia all literally have comparable products, and they don't mislead their customers. The one thing I will say about Glossier is that theirs costs less. Moisturizing Moon Mask, $22 The masks actually came out in Glossier's second release, but it took me this long to get around to buying them. When I got this, I was heavily unimpressed, contributing to an overall apathy towards the brand. Its moisturizing powers are only so-so, and you have to apply a lot of product for it to look like it does in the cute pictures of models masking. (That's not a bad thing - you don't need that much product, after all - but it made me realize Glossier has been doing the misleading advertising thing for a very long time.) I got the moisturizing mask because the "juice cleanse for your face" branding on the detoxifying mask is very ED-normalizing language (cleanses don't work, they are made up, your kidneys do all the cleansing you need) and makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I got this in the summer and it did absolutely nothing, but trying it now again in January it does a little, but not enough that I'd recommend it. It also stings my face a little bit, which I'm pretty sure is just my skin. Limited Edition Haloscope in Moonstone, $22 I'm reviewing this separately because I was, like everyone else, swooning over the prospect of a bluish-opal highlighter in the same formula as Quartz and Topaz, and this is not the same formula as Quartz and Topaz. Those don't ever completely dry on the skin, but this is much oilier and has much less pigment, so while it is bluish and a tad opal-y, in order to build it up you also get a much tackier finish. It feels like wearing a balm on your face, except not because I own Living Luminizer which is a balm and that's still more pigment in less product so it's never that sticky on the face. I'm so relieved I didn't buy the Black Tie Set just to try this one. I would have been so pissed. But it does remind me that I wish one of these brands I like would come out with a genuinely dewy blue-type color instead of lavender shades. I love RDF Ghost Light, but i'd love it even more if the blue duochrome showed up on me. Boy Brow, $16 Finally, ages later, I finally committed to this one, and I love it. I'm so frustrated, because I have gone from loving Glossier to wishing I didn't love anything from them and didn't need to buy their stuff, but there's just no other brow product that has this texture, this hold, this longevity, this beauty on the brow. One thing that surprises me is how genuinely black the shade Black is. I love how it looks, but it's rather intense, and I suspect won't work as well on the days when i want to wear nothing on my eyelids, so I might need to get Brown at some point. The only caveat I have to this is that, in spite of its low cost, you do genuinely get a small amount of product, and the tube is tiny. You don't need much product to do your brows, of course, but I know I'll have to repurchase this often. It's probably worth it, because I've never seen anything even approaching this product anywhere else. ---- So that's where I stand on this iconic brand: somewhere in the middle, easily swayed to either love it again or hate it depending on the product I'm using. They are unquestionably dishonest, which is something I can't respect. They're also one of the only brands out there with a serious commitment towards advertising to women of all skin colors, and demonstrating how every single product looks on every skin tone, which is rare enough that I feel some gratitude towards them regardless. Their products lean towards people with dry skin, which I don't quite have, and almost a cult has grown up around them that makes it astonishingly difficult to find honest reviews. There are still products I haven't tried. While i know that Glossier can surprise me with quality products even after I've made up my mind, the Generation G lipsticks and Supers serums look to follow a pattern with which I am by now familiar. The lipsticks claim to be the first ever lipstick to "look blotted without the blot", to be matte and sheer at the same time. I'm already unimpressed. It takes no time at all to apply a lipstick very lightly over a balm and blend it with your fingertips for a stained look, and I don't need a lipstick to do that without my fingertip, and from the swatch reviews on the website, it requires a lot of lipstick to get to that point, and there's not a lot of product in those little tubes. (I still want a couple of the colors for the colors themselves, but I don't expect that I'll want to throw out all my other lip products after I get them.) The Supers are even less impressive. They are $28 for half an ounce when your usual serum is an ounce, making them $56 an ounce, very much the same as most high end serums. Glancing at Super Bounce, the top ingredients are water, glycerin, dimethicone - not unusual or particular. By contrast, The Ordinary sells a comparable hyaluronic acid product at $6.80 an ounce. In fact, doing my research, each Super has a primary product that you can get over at The Ordinary for like ten dollars an ounce. Super Bounce is Hyaluronic Acid and B5, the same thing I just purchased from The Ordinary; Super Pure is Niacinamide and Zinc, which I also just purchased from The Ordinary. Super Glow, the most tempting serum, is Vitamin C and Magnesium, and The Ordinary has several options for you there. (The one I wanted was sold out, so I haven't gotten it yet. My own glowing skin potion is out of reach for now, but not forever.) I'm not against spending 60 dollars an ounce on magic skin care, mind you. I'm just doubtful that the Supers truly are more magical than anything else on the market, and much more tempted by The Ordinary, whose no-frills approach (sometimes so no-frills that my un-science-trained mind can't decipher everything they are saying) is a pleasant antidote to Glossier's model-testimony-backed hyperbole that covers up that it has only a very small number of products that are truly unique on the market. You should try: Priming Moisturizer is the only product I will die on a hill for. Boy Brow is perfect for genuinely textured, pomaded brows, but if that's not your ideal brow, you can pass. I do like the rose balm, but I'm sure other things are out there. I do like the skin tint, which does somehow brighten my complexion and is unbeatably low-maintenance (something I truly rely on as i work at 5 am), but most people won't care for something that low in coverage. I can't decide about Haloscope. The shades look as advertised and I do love them, but they're not entirely incomparable to other brands I've tried. That said, the Vapour and Ilia illuminators that look most similar cost over ten dollars more. But those are truly all-natural brands, which Glossier is not. I'm pretty sure that face mist owns my soul. I missed it so badly when I didn't have it, and I am overjoyed to have it again. If it isn't broken, don't fix it, etc. You should pass: unless what I would call its flaws sound like benefits to you, I can't think of anyone who actually needs the Stretch Concealer, and I had a very poor experience with Milky Jelly. I can't truly say there is a product here you shouldn't buy, but I will say there's nothing here you should buy for the hype, because there are comparable products out there, you need only look.

#mod teja #glossier #reviews #brand: glossier

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faithfulnews · 4 years

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What to Do in Difficult and Trying Times

Some of the most impactful spiritual lessons I have ever learned when I’ve faced challenging and difficult times is when I have continually and consistently applied, these five simple truths listed here. I have found that these truth lessons about who Jesus is really do win the argument in the negative situations I may be facing. I have also found that most, if not all, challenges I face have an underlying goal—to skew my perception of God’s righteousness, faithfulness, and love. But when I practice what I have learned, I find strength and renewed hope. And I believe it is this power that will carry me to the end.

We all have been told that reading the Scriptures and applying due diligence to the study and application of God’s Word in our everyday lives will move us into joy and fulfillment. I bet if I asked you if you could be like the Apostle Paul as he described himself in his letter to Timothy, you would agree that yes, that would be amazing. We all would. What did he write? Glad you asked. He wrote,

I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day. (2 Timothy 1:11–12 NIV)

When we love and serve God, it is natural to desire to be anointed and appointed to herald His message—the message of a God who causes us to triumph over all. But then, at the first sign of trouble, for most of us, our faith often trembles, our focus gets diverted, and the issues we face start to overtake us. We try but typically fail at heralding triumph. I confess that I have been quick to forget who I am in Christ, what He says about Himself, His faithfulness, and His power to rescue me. Yes, failed (and miserably) at that. But as I grow in my spiritual walk, I find a go-to remedy—a balm of truths to remember when I face trials and difficulty. And it has made all the difference.

These five simple truth-filled lessons have changed my perspective of the problems I may be facing, aided me in how to pray when my faith is challenged, shaped my faith, and solidified my walk during hard and difficult seasons. I have come to know in whom I have believed in a new and powerful way. And yes, I am learning to say as Paul said, convincingly, that God “is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him.”

Before you glance down and assume you have read all this before, before you tap the delete button or, as in some social media cases, swipe left to remove this blog from your screen, I urge you take a moment to read and ponder. Allow the Holy Spirit to breathe life upon what you might otherwise consider “just another blog full of insipid platitudes.” I promise this is in no way a trite A-B-C or 1-2-3 method or solution. I realize that some of you who are reading this may be struggling with extremely difficult or painful situations. And this is in no way intending to minimize sorrow or pain. These suggestions or lessons listed here may not solve your problems or make them disappear; they will, if allowed, anchor you to the God of hope. And hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:5).

Lesson 1 You Are Never Alone

Have you ever wondered why the Lord says, “I will never leave you or forsake you” (Hebrews 13:5) but does also say, “You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart” (Jeremiah 29:13)? I have.

If He will never leave me, why must I seek Him—especially in a difficult and trying time when I need Him most? Scriptures say He is a very present help in time of trouble (Psalm 46:1). I have asked what does “present help” look like. Here is what I have learned and applied in my prayer life and has made the difference: He promises to be near to the brokenhearted and the one crushed in spirit. God completely understands our prayers of desperation, our cries for relief. He hears, and He feels compassion towards us—”for we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses” (Hebrews 4:15).

However, I’d like to suggest that in our trials and difficult seasons perhaps there is an opportunity for us to seek Him and ask: “Lord, how are You revealing Yourself to me in this situation I’m facing? How are You being glorified in this trial?” I’d like to also suggest considering Jeremiah 29:13 in context, with the before and after scriptures. Verse 11 says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” He has thoughts about each and every one of us, our situations, our future. And they are good, full of peace, and intended to give us hope. When we cannot see during our difficult challenges is when we most need God to share His purposes with us. Verses 12–14 continue, “Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. And I will be found by you, says the Lord.” We have this promise of “finding Him” right in those moments when we can’t see how He could possibly be glorified in what we are facing.

Many would say, “But I am seeking Him; I am praying for a miracle, for deliverance, for provision, for healing, etc.” I say to continue to do so but in addition to try these aforementioned questions. You will find Him in a way that will encourage, strengthen, and empower you to move forward.

Lesson 2 Remember What You Know

Psalm 77 portrays precisely the conflict of the psalmist’s heart as he faced trial and tribulation. When his circumstances threaten to convince him that God has forgotten him, the psalmist articulates exactly what each one of us does in our propensity to forget God’s goodness and miracles. It’s as though the Psalm conveys that the real battle is to obliterate God’s righteous goodness from our memory forever.

But wait! There’s more. The Psalmist makes a choice in verse 11: “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember Your miracles of long ago” (NIV). And by the time he finishes writing, not only has he encouraged himself through remembrance of the Lord’s great goodness but he is now exalting the magnificent power of our God!

Another example of this is found in the book of Exodus chapters 14–16. In just a few chapters, we see the Israelites delivered from slavery, brought through the Red Sea, and before you know it, they are grumbling about not having food to eat! The Israelites used to build altars of memorial. We write it down. Yes, the best way of remembering God’s faithfulness is to record it, write it down, refer to it, and share it with others.

Let us not forget. May we be people who fight against every difficulty with the God-given gift of remembering.

My friend, we have to figuratively park in the camp of past memorials where the goodness of God was manifested on our behalf—how He healed, provided for, kept, and sustained us. In trying and testing times it can be easy for our attention and focus to be removed off of God and unto the problem we face. We can be overcome by the distractions of the issues. I’ll admit I am likely first in line when it comes to being completely centered on Jesus but in challenging times. However, I hold on to this truth. I force myself, strain if need be, to see that my mind and heart remember Him. And it works!

Lesson 3 Choose Gratitude

It has been said (tweeted and posted) that to be thankful is to be grateful, and to be grateful is to be happy. But I submit to you that the Scriptures foretold this truth long ago. Because it is just that. Truth. “All the days of the afflicted are bad, but a cheerful heart has a continual feast” is what we read in Proverbs 15:15 (NASB). Consider the value of this scripture. It plainly lays out the difference between a miserable life and a wonderful life. We can choose the negative, bad feelings and live afflicted by them, or we can consider that a continual feast is an option, one that is within the reach of every believer.

When the Scriptures say in Psalm 23:5, “You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies,” I believe it talks about God imparting to us the thankful, grateful, and cheerful attributes of His own nature. You see, when we choose gratefulness and express it in our worship, the happiness and kindness of our happy God are measured to us and become our portion. We can have as many helpings as we desire.

And this joyful feast satisfies us and sustains us in hardship. It is served right before the eyes of our enemy, and he can do nothing about it—except hate it and retreat far away for it renders him useless and of no effect in our lives.

Lesson 4 Pray for Others

There is an excellent example in Scriptures of what we often call “intercessory prayer”—praying for someone other than ourselves. We find this example in the life of Job when the Lord restores the fortunes of Job after he prays for his friends (see Job 42:7–10 RSV).

One thing we see in that passage is the example of a man interceding on behalf of his friends and God taking it very seriously. But the most significant of all is that Job was not yet healed nor restored when he prayed. This passage is helpful in understanding the power of intercession for others and is setting an example for us to take during our own hardships.

I have experienced times when I have been under tremendous pressure, depressed, overwhelmed, exhausted and someone prayed for me. This steadied me, strengthened me, upheld me, and enabled me. Likewise, there have been times when I have been privileged to pray for others who were in need. And when I have done this, I have found it to be like a medicine for my own soul, because praying for others has been an effectual tool that has kept me from being focused on myself.

What could transpire if we all took the same posture as Job? Job’s actions of praying for his friends in this story are remarkable—to not only be able to take his focus off of himself but to do it in humility, willingly, and obediently is a tried and true lesson for all of us indeed.

Lesson 5 Proclaim It on the Rooftops

I don’t know much, but one thing I do know: I was blind and now I see (John 9:25, paraphrased). In other words, I don’t care what you think, I don’t care what you believe, this is the irrefutable truth: I was blind and now I see, and Jesus Christ the Son of God is responsible for it! This man was facing the rage of the leaders of that day. He knew not what would ensue, yet he was sure of one thing: the way the miracle-working power of God had affected his life.

Talk about the Lord’s goodness with others. Share His Word, His promises, His miracles; the ones He has done for you, the ones you read about, the ones He has done for others, and the ones you are believing Him for! Talk about them, write about them, sing about them, shout them aloud—but whatever you do, make them known (Deuteronomy 11:18–20, paraphrased).

And lastly, because we overcome “by the blood of the Lamb and the word of [our] testimony” (Revelation 12:11), I believe the greatest battle we face in difficult and trying times is trying to avoid accusing God and living offended. Accusation and offense draw us away from Him. Perhaps practicing these simple steps in prayer and conversation might help us find our safe place hidden in God, under the shadow of His wings.

Hold on. Stay steady. Don’t quit. God is for you. May you find His grace to help in your time of trouble (Hebrews 4:16). May you experience God granting you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner man (Ephesians 3:16).

What are you currently experiencing that could use one of these five lessons?

The latest book from author Daniel Hoogteijling can be used to help you walk through life’s tougher moments knowing you’re loved by God and that He has hope and an answer for the challenges you face.

Go to the article

#alone #challenges #confidence #confidence-in-love #deuteronomy-11

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missmorphia · 5 years

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Self care for down days

Since about the age of 11, I’ve discovered many of the varieties a ‘down day’ can manifest as. So for the better part of a decade, I’ve tried to learn how to stay afloat when they come about, rather than to drown in them. And I’ve gotten pretty good at taking a little time out to recollect myself and build a strong foundation to tackle whatever shit is taking place. So whether it’s a dumping, a divorce, a death or *insert mild form of trauma here*, here’s my guide to shutting up the nasty voice in your head for a day.

Step 1:

Acknowledge this is a DOWN DAY! You are taking a TIME OUT so this demands FULL ATTENTION! Regardless of what’s getting you down, even if it’s as small as you stubbing your toe, do not let your mind trick you into thinking you don’t deserve one. Every problem is a PROBLEM. There is no scale that dictates whether you are allowed to feel bad about something. So acknowledge that right now you can’t cope and this is something that is needed. If you had a cut in your hand would you not put a plaster on simply because someone else may have a broken leg and therefore ‘have it worse’?

Step 2:

Delete social media off of your phone. This is a DOWN DAY and we need NO DISTRACTIONS. You don’t have to delete your accounts, just the apps for 24 hours, or however long you feel you can do it for. This helps to clear your head and stops you from scrolling through everyone else giving the appearance of having a good time. Works particularly well if your issue is friend/s.o./ex related.

Step 3:

Let a close friend or family member or counsellor, etc. know how you are feeling. Someone you trust to let you speak as much or as little as you want to - if you don’t feel like talking and dwelling that’s OK. I know that when I get really overwhelmed by everything I can’t always cope with hashing it all out in detail. But it’s important that someone knows you are feeling like this, because you are not alone, no matter how much your mind may convince you otherwise. No one in this world is unloved.

Step 4:

This can be a scary step for some, and as someone with an eating disorder I definitely find this hard. But step 4 is to allow yourself the peace of mind to say “I can eat whatever I want today.” This does not mean that you are morally obliged to eat 24 pizzas and a full roast with a profiterole dessert (although if this is what you want GO FOR IT! You are a champion). All this means is you’re saying to that voice in your head: “Hey, take the day off. 24 hour suspension for you.” If you can make it a sabbatical or just an all-round firing even better. Send me some tips if you manage the latter!

If what’s triggered your down day is guilt over eating, I know this is especially hard to do. In fact, I’m writing this self-care post during one of those days myself. If eating is hard right now, I get it. But it’s so important that you have at least three meals today - breakfast, lunch, dinner.

Remember:

No one ever put on 10lbs of weight from eating three meals a day.

Having three meals is not over-eating.

2,000 calories in a day is the RECOMMENDED DAILY INTAKE for female bodies, as is 2,500 calories for male bodies. That means this is the number to SUSTAIN weight. This is not the MAXIMUM, this is not a number to stay far, far away from, this is the recommended intake for a HEALTHY life.

1,200 calories is the recommended daily intake for a toddler.

Recently, I had a particularly difficult down day and to treat myself I bought no less than:

Some boujee rosemary crackers

Some boujee Sabra hummus (fucking delicious)

Some Sainsbury’s own sweet chilli crisps

A bar of Cadbury’s Oreo chocolate (yes the big one)

And to top it all off, I got a greek takeaway: a pita wrap with chips and vine leaves

And after all that I am still the same weight, I did not go up 3 dress sizes, and I felt the happier for it.

Step 5:

Do not drink.

As a coping mechanism in the past, I thought a great way to *treat* myself was to buy a bottle of wine and drink it all that night. Sounds good right? WRONG! If you are already in a vulnerable frame of mind, alcohol only exacerbates the problem. It only feels good when you feel good. It is a depressant after all and it will only make you feel worse. This will also continue into the morning when you’ll have a fat hangover and the aforementioned depressant element will still be weighing on you.

Remember a down day is a chance to clear your head. You want to be waking up tomorrow feeling like you’ve taken a relaxing break from the crapness life has to offer, ready to face it again. You do not want to feel like someone has slammed a brick on your forehead during the course of the night.

Step 6:

Get outside. If it’s good weather, try going for a wander, or if you are unable, sit in the garden, or open a window. If it’s bad weather, go to your door and just breathe some fresh air. It takes five minutes, it is good for the soul and stops you from getting cabin fever. This is the simplest but probably one of the more effective steps to feeling better on this list.

Step 7:

A hard step, so if you feel unable this is OK. Tidy your room. Cluttered space has such a poor effect on the mind and adds unnecessary stress to why you’re feeling this way. If you really cannot get the motivation to do it, try to break it down into tasks. Grab the clothes from your floor and shove them into your laundry basket, or hide them in your wardrobe/chest of drawers to give the appearance of an organised space! Move a couple of things on your desk to clear it a little. Or simply just make your bed. Even if you can’t tackle all of it, these little things can and WILL make a difference, I promise.

Step 8:

Light some candles! Candles, particularly scented ones, have such a calming effect on the mind. So get on out there with that mood lighting. Personally, I love anything cinnamon scented right now during the Autumn months (I know, how original) - also it just reminds me of home and Halloween and Christmas, which are all very exciting things to look forward to.

Step 9:

Get clean! Have a nice warm shower or bath and throw as many unnecessary products onto yourself as possible. Bath bombs are not only allowed but are ENCOURAGED. Put on some music and take your mind away from the shit. I know sometimes having a shower or bath can take a lot of motivation which is hard, but trust me you will feel the better for it. You will feel warm, your muscles will be relaxed, you’ll smell nice, and you can cosy up in a nice big dressing gown and fluffy socks after.

Step 10:

Whatever you are doing today, keep it simple. Make today’s task to have a walk, to stay home, to read a book, anything. But do not make today a day to do all your homework, all your errands. All of that comes after mental health.

Step 11:

Get warm! Get cosy! Put on some pyjamas, grab a blanket, make some tea. Warmth is always good. Unless you’re in 40c heat. I'm talking from a British person’s experience here.

Step 12:

Following on from step 9, watch a movie! I like to honour Halloween with good old horror film classics like Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, Nightmare on Elm Street, or the aptly named Halloween. However, if this is something that triggers your anxiety, try something Studio Ghibli like Spirited Away or Howl’s Moving Castle. Comedies work well too, and I particularly like scrolling through YouTube watching SNL skits. Whatever it is, make sure it’s something that makes you feel good - do not - I repeat - DO NOT - watch The Boy in the Striped Pyjamas.

Step 13:

Get a full night’s sleep. This doesn’t necessarily mean you have to get an early night, but judge by whatever time you have to get up tomorrow so that you can get at least 8 hours. Preferably 9, because anxiety exhausts your body with all that adrenaline pumping around. If you have the option, give yourself a lie in.

Step 14:

It’s OK to cry. It detoxes all that crap inside and gets it outside, and it can be very therapeutic. Just don’t let it take over your entire day.

Step 15:

You are going to be fine. You are going to be better than fine. Think about how far you have come. You should know by now that these feelings are temporary. No matter the issue, we find a way to adapt and to overcome. Trust me. Ask for help when you need it, because there is always someone who will listen. Like I said before, no one is unloved.

I hope that some of these steps can help people. They have definitely saved me when I’ve gotten overwhelmed. I think I included everything, but if I remember other tips, who knows maybe I’ll do a part 2.

Much love xxx

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