#i'm going to make myself stop now

[priceofreedom]

#Elmyra approving of Zack makes me so happy 😭 FF7 Rebirth 20 / ?

#final fantasy vii #ffgraphics #elmyra gainsborough #zack fair #gamingedit #ff7 remake #ff7 rebirth #ff7 #elmyra #ff7 rebirth spoilers #rebirth spoilers #creaciones #i always thought she'd come to love him if only they had the chance to meet #glad to see it's exactly what happened :') #if zerith reunited she'd be so happy for them 🥺 #knowing aerith would have the best boyfriend ever by her side #someone who would always take care of her no matter what #someone who would do the impossible just to make her happy #and he's good with kids too. like 🥰 #zack already calls aerith's home HIS home i'm gonna go crazy #sorry for the fangirling but akhssjd if part 3 doesn't have them reunite and live together i'm gonna riot #the three of them deserve happiness!!! #and also i want zack to contact his parents so bad :( they deserve to see their son again #i'm making myself sad. i'm gonna stop now lol

[front-facing-pokemon]

#spheal #i wish i could post circular images on tumblr. because this one is deserving of a fully circular PNG. i could technically just take a #regular square image and then make the edges transparent to make it *effectively* a circle‚ but like… would that appeal? #if that would appeal then i'll do it. i don't think it would be *too* prohibitively hard. i would be willing to make an addendum #with a circular transparent image of spheal staring at the screen if enough of you want it. either way #this guy rolls everywhere and i think tumblr is gonna like that. i feel like this is gonna end up being a well-liked pokémon amongst tumblr #as in. i feel like. it already is. because. of how it is. i just don't know bc spheal isn't like. one of my favorites #it's cute don't get me wrong but it's just not one i think about all the time. it's one that i'll like if prompted but not unprompted #i'm gonna stop before i dig myself into a hole. i beat totk finally. it was very good and i honestly had way way more fun with it than i did #with botw. i have my criticisms obviously. it's not perfect it's not pmd. but it was very good. and now i've moved onto the next game in my #backlog. which is very long but i'm steadily working through it. hopefully i can get it done before i graduate this december and stop having #any time for the rest of my life ever forever to play video games. dreading that day. but uh #until then i will game. and hang out with my friends. and go on tumblr. and do all these things i like to do. until i no longer can #wow this got depressing i'm gonna Stop here. enjoy spheal

[veinsfullofstars]

"Still trying to intimidate me? Cute."

(ID: Kirby series fanart of Meta Knight and Galacta Knight based off of a couple dynamics template by @/ReddsMess on Twitter. Original template and source below the cut, as well as a HAL language variant. Top-left panel - high-angle shot of MK lit from above, standing firm and glaring up through his mask, his wings curled out and breaching the panel in places, subtitled "Well well..." Top-right panel - low-angle shot of GK lit from below, looming in the air and leering down through his mask, his wings curled out and his hands spread wide in challenge, both of which breach the panel in places, subtitled "Look who came to see me..." Bottom panel - MK & GK stand next to each other, the latter leaning towards the former and gently caressing the side of his mask with the back of one hand, grinning smugly and wrapping a wing around the knight, subtitled "My Knightmare." MK stands stiffly with his fists clenched at his sides, blushing vividly and glaring away from the warrior. A little flurry of white hearts emanate from GK, while one small one hovers above MK. END ID.)

Started 03/30/24, finished 04/02/24.

---

HAL language variant:

Original by ReddsMess (template link) NOTE: The artist has marked 16-18+ in their bio, so browse at your own risk!

#veins art #veins ships #veins fanart #fanart #kirby series #kirby #meta knight #galacta knight #galacta knight x meta knight #metagala #couple dynamics #couples meme #meme redraw #pose redraw #template redraw #toxic couple or idiots in love? you decide #I'm a sucker for bespoke pet names apparently #real-bat-wings MK my beloved <3 #veins “keeps drawing feathered wings despite how much they hate doing so” fullofstars #also I saw @post-it-notes7's mirror!GK design and now I will never not draw GK in heels #swallow tailed galacta knight #<- (inspired by @starflungwaddledee of course) #*gasp* no sparkles?? #the sacrifices we make for a t m o s p h e r e #hmm I wonder if this is where the Childhood Friends AU would go if MK and DDD never got back together... #(but I get ahead of myself - that's a story for another time) #(me: *slaps self on wrist" veins no! bad goblin! no more AUs! especially not AUs of AUs! stop it!) #veinsfullofstars

[fisheito]

collab #2 with @xenole i was given a chibi yakumo and i.. i...... turned it into thiS

#I AM SO SORRY I DREW YAKUMO AGAIN ADFSJEIADKS LOOK OK so xenole gives me the tiny crying yakumo. #says DO WHATEVER YOU WANT and THUS i get to thinking #my immediate thought was #i'm going to make oli breast boobily while comforting him #bc i was determined to draw xenole's fave this time. i swore it to myself. i WILL stop being so self indulgent #but the chibi on chibi comforting scene didn't sit right with me. it was too straightforward. not something i would draw normally #it was hhhh as u say.... not on brand.? it did not inspire me. idea benched.... #so days pass and i'm still pondering ideas on what to do to the sad spaghetti. #configurations of clan members danced in my head. some defending yaku. some comforting. some bullying #the ideas usually involved at least oli or kuya bc once again. xenole bias #then while i'm in the shower i got frustrated with my lack of ideas and thought #i'll jujst eat.him. just. chew on him. i'm tired of him #AND THE IMAGE OF KUYA EATING YAKUMO FOR BREAKFAST POPPED INTO MY MIND #originally it was going to be kuya eating yakuflakes and oli giving him serious side eye but then the brain went #WHAT IF IT'S YAKUMO WATCHING KUYA EAT YAKUMO. THAT IS FUNNY. IT MUMST HAPPEEN #BUT I REFUSED at first. i was angry at myself. this is not a competition to see how you can STILL sHOVE YAKUMO into a drawing. #plus the composition would shrink xenole's chibi down! i would take over so much space by comparison! THE DISRESPECT! TO THE COLLAB PROCESS #but once i get fixated on smth...well. i ended up doing the idea and just praying xenole wouldnt eviscerate me for it #i'm sorry my liege. my grip on the reins was weak. the goofy clown horses went stampeding #so idk now it's the two of em having a peaceful breakfast in kuya's cabin but only kuya is at peace and yakumo's this close to a breakdown #i feel like there should be something in the space between them. a speech bubble or something . something mean is being said #kuya #yakumo #yakuya

[zuzu-draws]

4-armed Sukuna Appreciation post!! These were my favourite OG Sukuna panels from the latest chapter.

#ryomen sukuna #sukuna #jjk sukuna #jjk leaks #jjk #manga #og sukuna #4 armed sukuna #jujutsu kaisen #jjk spoilers #Fellas i don't think i can do it anymore #i genuinely can't do this anymore he's too hot my brain is malfunctioning literally because-- the TWISTS my heart did after seeing #these panels and Sukuna's dialogue....i'm so in love with this monstrosity (affectionate) #he's so...handsome and hot and...especially those last 2 panels.... :') i can stare and admire them for hours man #It's funny seeing folks tweeting about finding og sukuna hot now like?? bro we've been saying this for the longest time !! #Like ?? are u ppl finally seeing the vision??? us Sukuna fans had our brain chemistry altered by??? #Give us that Heian Sukuna Backstory Gege please don't finish the manga without it i'm literally going to :''''''''(((((( .. #can't wait to see if i can draw my beloved on the weekend <3 <3 <3 he's my pookie my moonshine <3 and insert every other cringe thing #see my tags don't even fit into the tag limit because i can't stop myself from wanting to yap about him #Also the way Sukuna says that ''It is because i understand love that i reject it'' and the ''Love is worthless/trash'' makes me think that #he's been hurt in some way ; maybe he loved to an extent it effed him up 'cause we all know what Gojo said in JJK 0; #''Love is the most twisted Curse of all'' #:''''''< i-...

[waketoearth]

20 POSTERS FOR JUNGWON'S 20TH !!!

#enhypenet #kpopco #malegroupsnet #enhypen #jungwon #heetual #how did we get here.. again.. how did i convince myself to do this again.. look.. if i never make another poster at least you know why #tbf compared to sunoo's i'm feeling better creatively bc i gave myself a bit more time blah blah blah i changed my background colour just #for these and i'm kind of digging F3F0DD idk.. like maybe i'm a yellow background girl these days.. ik poster ten is grey and now im lookin #at it with resentful eyes but idk if i saved the psd or if i have the effort to change it.. it will bug me.. no. idc idc stop asking abt it #next year riki will turn 20 and i will isolate myself for the last time.... kind of sad honestly whatever idc #UGH and poster nine is also not yellow i think it's F1F1F1 which is my go to off white.. WHATEVER what do you think about passionfruit by #nmixx lmk and thanks for looking at my posters please enjoy and lmk your fave if u have one mine is 4 or 5 <333 #also im sure the quality is awful sorry about it shrug emoji #z.enhypen #z.gfx #z.jungwon #happy jungwon day

[arctic-hands]

For real tho health freaks who scream about how sugar and salt will kill us all and try to push for restrictions on things like candy and chips for SNAP recipients or politicians who try from time to time to replace food stamps all together and give out Government Approved Staples like bread and peanut butter and Government Cheese are gonna kill a whole lotta sick and disabled people like

Diabetics

POTS sufferers

Hypotensives

People with peanut allergies

People with celiac disease or wheat allergies

The lactose intolerant

People who can't eat solid food

People who are undernourished for any reason and need all the calories they can pack on

So-called "picky eaters" who can't tolerate certain tastes and textures without getting violently ill

A myriad of other human conditions that cannot be neatly tallied into categories because the human body and human experience is vast and infinitely variable

But I don't think ableds really care about us and our health like they like to claim so they can harass us about it, do you?

#tag yourself I'm five out of ten #health food is gonna kill me one day i swear to God #vasovagal syncope/POTS was actually a fun disease to have since the treatment is honestly junk food #to get my sugar and sodium levels up quickly so i don't pass out #but then the United States government in their infinite compassion slashed my food stamps in half #and now i can't afford 'luxeries' like enough chips and candy i need to not faint and concuss myself. again #add the celiac and to a lesser extent the lactose intolerancy and now two fruit allergies... #and I'm paying three times the amount for like fifteen food items and that is accounting for the food inflation even ableds are facing #whatever food shortages ableds are going thru right now i swear to you it's much much worse if you're sick/disabled #stop policing what food people buy with the money their given i don't care if it's a paycheck or welfare #SOMETIMES I'll get a pitiful and defensive 'well how was i supposed to know?!' when i confront people bugging me about this #you don't know so shut your trap about it in the first place #most people just ignore the reason and accuse me of making up excuses to eat 'unhealthy' foods tho #health nut #ableism #systemic ableism #food #Salt blessed Salt

[klysanderelias]

It's always funny to me when a big-name youtuber argues vociferously that souls-like games DO have a difficulty setting, it's Playing The Game Right (leveling, build, using summons, etc), and then later on in the same video will have a fifteen minute long section complaining about how certain boss fights completely invalidate certain builds or require you to drastically alter your style of play, and i'm like... I thought you were in FAVOR of this.

And of course they're not, they just don't understand what a difficulty setting IS anymore, and that's completely fair because I think that most DEVELOPERS don't either, but it means that the criticism they make is always couched in a fundamental misunderstanding of the thing they're trying to criticise (and also usually a complete misunderstanding of where the criticism comes from).

And I want to be clear, I've beaten basically every single Dark Souls game, I beat bloodborne, I played shitloads of elden ring and the reason I didn't beat it was because I got bored, and I've done speedruns and soul level 1 runs of dark souls 3. I'm pretty much the dark souls power player that everyone expects would argue AGAINST having difficulty options.

But.

I've been playing thousands of hours of battletech, and the battletech difficulty screen has been the singlehandedly biggest argument I've had change my mind.

In the game, Battletech modifies difficulty per mission by changing the total health of enemies, changing their skills and experience levels, the usual fare of difficulty curves (although damage is never affected, thank god). But having all these granular options can dramatically change the way the game is played without simply affecting health values or hit percentages.

Toggling mech destruction and lethality means that losing a mech in a mission or having a pilot be knocked unconscious removes them permanently. They're killed, destroyed, you need to go get a new one. That's a HUGE change from the base difficulty where having a mech be completely destroyed in combat just removes the weapon components and costs a ton to repair. Likewise, changing the number of parts required to buy or salvage in order to complete a mech DRAMATICALLY changes the game - the maximum amount of parts you can get from a single mech is 3, and usually you only get 1. Needing 3 parts means that if you're lucky, you could see a brand new mech in a mission, blow its head off, and get one for free. Moving that scale up both means that rare or expensive mechs take much much longer to earn, but also that replacing mechs takes much longer (meaning that losses are even more painful).

Like, every single one of these options can dramatically affect how you play the game or change the feel of it to something much more interesting to you as a player - do you want to play a rogue-like game where you have to save and scrounge to get new mechs, and each mech and pilot is a precious resource you have to protect? or do you want to powerscale fast and constantly get new mechs and rare weapons?

And like, having extremely granular options for gameplay isn't for everyone, but then again, there are the owlcat pathfinder CRPGs that do this same thing, but have a base 'easy-normal-hard' sort of slider that automatically selects certain options, and you can adjust them if you want. If you're not interested in going through each slider you can just say 'I'd like normal please' and the game automatically makes all the selections, but you can also stop and say 'hey actually let me turn on permadeath too' and you can do that.

And I think that when people think about difficulty, they think about the most basic 'health and damage adjustments' sliders, and not ANYTHING else that actually have much more of an impact. I will hit this point to my grave that dark souls would massively benefit from difficulty options like turning off instakill effects (like curse or petrification) or removing the harsh penalty of dying when you can't get back to your bloodstain because a) that's often what drive new players off the most, and b) it doesn't fuckin' matter anyway, all you're losing is souls, the only thing it does is make you have to go grind more to make up for it.

And of course, there are always EXTRA challenge runs people come up with - nuzlocke runs of pokemon, soul level 1 runs of dark souls, hell, when I do Battletech I often add additional challenges like 'no intentional destruction of civilian buildings' or 'each mech must be assigned to a pilot and if one of them is sidelined, so is the other'

But challenge runs aren't difficulty settings, and more importantly there's no way to unchallenge run a game. You can decide to make the game harder for yourself, but you can't make the game EASIER. And when people say that you can, they're lying to you. Like yeah, there builds that are very strong in dark souls, and leveling optimally will make the game easier, but if you don't know what optimal leveling looks like, it's pointless. If you have a deep and thorough understanding of the game, and you check the messageboards, and delve through the wiki, and use a couple of exploits, the game will be easy! And if it's still too hard for you after that? Well, go fuck yourself, you just spent hours of your life doing research only to give up on the game anyway.

And the truth is, most people who argue that dark souls shouldn't have a difficulty slider are doing it out of bad faith, because they have a certain amount of ego riding on 'being good at hard game' as a character trait, and making these games more accessible frightens them because what if being good at dark souls isn't actually getting them into heaven

but also because they're somehow afraid that having extra difficulty options in the game will tempt them into choosing them? And then they won't get the 'true experience'?

Gamers are some of the most fragile people in existence that the mere option of reducing difficulty sends them into hysterics.

#dark souls #battletech #elden ring #i'm swinging at the hornet's nest I know #but I couldn't help myself #i had joseph anderson's video on elden ring in the background and I had to stop it when he said that shit #because it's so prevalent among game youtubers now #and it's the most vocal and highlighted members of the community saying it #so it's going to keep being treated like a maxim of gaming #that making games easier is terrible #and I'm just like. I'm too old for this shit. I can't spend a hundred hours on this game. #I'm not interested in having to redo this fight again #which is why I stopped playing elden ring honestly #because I kind of like spending an hour or two learning a fight #but then if the boss is reused FIVE MORE TIMES

[aaapplepie]

alright here are the cleaned-up versions!

#fictif #last legacy #I'm going to make myself stop messing with these now or I'll just keep redoing them forever sdfkasjhkajsf #apple.png

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

#started anti depressants recently. kinda had an epiphany. i can't hate who i was. if i met me now i wouldn't blame that tiny child #for their rancid beliefs or for being dragged to protests. because thats a CHILD. i HAVE met kids in that position and i feel nothing but #pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard? #i could not have known what i know now at 6 or 8 or 10. the same way that i could not have written a college level essay at that age #but i did what i could. in my own 8 y/o way. i believed in love and humanity and happiness. i was just misguided in the 'hows' of it all #and i am so so so so so proud. of every single microscopic step that i took. every question i asked. every thought that i hid and protected #and pondered secretly at night until new ideas and doubts bloomed like a dandelion through the pavement #and I'm so proud that i chased that doubt. that i asked why why why why until their ears bled and their voices were raw #until their answers stopped adding up. until i sought knowledge elsewhere with a mind dehydrated and malnourished and begging for knowledge #in any form i could get. i just. if i could hug that kid? if i could right now reach out and give that terrified and lonely child a hug? #i would. a million times over. #anyway sorry for the intense personal rant I'm just going through it rn and I'm like.... actually feeling alright #its wild. did you guys know about this??? anti depressants make you NOT depressed??? shits insane fam #irl #personal

[nyxronomicon]

unfortunately I keep thinking about him and I have to drag you with me ☹️ (enji on the mind again and I need someone to stop me)

ok but what are we thinking about?? is it back to the secretary au?? a new au??? divorced detective- no wait.

not-quite-divorced detective au... he's still married. he doesn't wear his ring much anymore, nor does he speak much with his wife (he's been sleeping on the couch for months). but he's grasping at straws trying to keep them around bc he has nothing else... not that it stops him from flirting with the cute junior detective they paired him with. actually, you're the only thing keeping him from ending it all...

he knows he shouldn't go drinking with you after work. the alcohol will just make it harder to stop himself from making a move. he can't cheat. on top of all he's put his wife through, his family... he can't cheat. but, is it really cheating to spend time with you? to go home with you? to sleep in your bed when you so graciously offered after it slipped out that he'd been sleeping on his couch...

and if you slept next to him, that wouldn't be cheating, right? he just can't put his hands on your hips, make you grind on his thick cock under the covers. he can't whisper about how badly he wants you wrapped around him, moaning his name over and over until morning. surely it's not cheating if he's not sleeping at all in that bed of yours...

#oh you said to stop you. whoops my b #uh we're in it together now babe it's Enji hours #i have to say it though. i have to say my first thought #i had to restrain myself but. bull Enji... #listen..... he'd make such a hot bull hybrid... the fucking horns w lil licks of fire... tell me he wasn't born for a septum piercing #and he'd be OBSESSED with a lil hucow for him to defile as he pleases #OK I'M STOPPING RIGHT THERE. i cannot go on. i fear the woman i will become

[brown-little-robin]

あ

#Robin processes emotions on main #already I am struggling with studying Japanese #not with the language itself so much. I'm making progress on that #but with this horrible kind of anxiety #I writhe not being the best at things that I'm trying to do. I writhe wondering if I should just give up. #this is why I had a horrible time studying Greek in high school as well: can't know it well enough fast enough #it's like I'm dying a little every day convincing myself no it's FINE not to know everything right away. it's OKAY. #it's okay if you stop learning Japanese in the future and it's okay if you keep learning Japanese. it's okay it's okay it's— #hhhhhhhhhhhh #it's such a complicated language it's making my stomach hurt right now thinking about how I want to learn kanji but it's So Much #and I don't know HOW to learn it #I've never really learned a language before (Greek does NOT count) and I'm learning all the complexities of the Japanese language and going #going oh....... this is........ actually extremely much...... and I'm never going to be a native speaker....... #I'm trying So Hard to embrace dying a little to my perfectionism every day but it's HARD. WAILS #No one Told me learning a language would make me want to cry because it's simply impossible to master!!!! #WAH!!!! #I'm trying to keep sight of the fact that it's not about my pride it's about having fun and embracing Small challenge and Small rewards #I really do feel so happy every time I recognize a word or understand the grammar when watching anime #it's just thinking about the Entire language that's psyching me out #Robin learns Japanese

[justafriendofxanders]

i go back and forth a lot on my interpretations of ats s5, ie. what parts of spike are 'in character' or not, but the one thing that stays constant is my belief that spike and angel fucking would have fixed most of this.

#not that it would have fixed their problems i just mean it would introduce new problems that i would find entertaining as a viewer #anyways i don't like saying a character would NOT say/do that but sometimes i'm not sure if he (spike) SHOULD do that #in terms of showing off the more interesting parts of a character while also carving out a unique arc/dynamic for him on a new tv show #ats rw #i think what's misunderstood about spike is that he's NOT a solo sigma male lone vigilante bad boy action hero #like i think angel is actually the one who has a history of isolating himself #but spike is your friend who always has to be in a relationship (which i think btvs got correct with harmony) #idk. i think oz has that line in btvs where he's like 'i gotta go do that guy thing where i isolate myself now' #and i think that gets transposed onto spike when he goes on the 'guy show' doing 'guy things' #and then kinda blended up with the tension that many of the guys on ats experience between #being a tough guy capable of doing things on his own versus the desire to belong in a crew #but like. that's not a 'guy' thing that applies to all men. that's a thing that certain individuals experience. and spike is not one of the #like i don't think spike cares about how he fits in with society or the collective but i think he DOES care about how individuals #he's close to perceive him #anyways. today on 'reading too much into a tv show that stopped airing 20 years ago' #i gotta make a separate post about this #buffyposting

[hishoukoku]

.

#I feel like I'm bothering ppl with my bullshit and i can't shake the feeling that everyone is fed up with me #I wish i could go live in a cave by myself sometimes #.....(let it be the 10k gods cave at least T.T)...... #no but for every hour of intense serotonin i get from things i love...I feel like a worthless trash the next few hours #Almost like i don't deserve it because even saying HELLO sometimes makes me feel like a bother #and that's to ppl /I/ consider friends #ive lost the ability to even realize who considers me a 'friend back' #not that i have anything to offer #plus i have to do some shit at work that i dont like #and it's taking a bigger toll on my brain than i thoguht it would #but its fineeeee cause I have the ability to bury myself in the things I adore to stop even the slighest real world thought from occuring #hyperfixations ftw #'cept SOMEtimes like now when im overwhelmed that i feel like i dont do them justice #I'll delete this later I'm just.. Tired.. #Ishidarambles #Personal shit #ranting in the tags like an OG tumblr user

[flowercrowngods]

i don't know how to be merely acquaintances when we used to be friends. or i think we used to be. i don't know how to yearn for a simple hello when you've been heaping your affection on me months ago, and i don't know how to talk to you when you won't say anything. when suddenly it's all about me. you know i have nothing to say, you know my brain is void of everything but horribleness and i cannot tell you about my day because i don't even know about my day. i cannot tell you about my day when i know you won't listen, when i know you'll apply your philosophy to my world and don't believe me when i say that everything is terrible. i don't know how to be the person you seem to think i am, or the person you want in your life. i don't know if you want anyone else in your life now that you're in love and sappy, found another recipient for your affections, leaving me empty and wounded and yearning.

you said you missed me. said it many times, while i was gone. now i'm back, have been back, and i wonder how you missed me, why you missed me, when you won't talk to me. i think you mistook missing for worrying. i think you mistook caring for a feeling of obligation. i think you like missing me more than talking to me.

and i think i can't breathe with how much that hurts

#how do you miss me when you won't talk to me? how do you like me so much and then go to just. not? #how did i let you in when i try so hard not to let people do that because i know that once they get past the walls all i'll be left with #is the idea of them rotting and withering inside me. polluting the space i create to keep myself safe. #why does everyone leave? leave in silence too. leaving behind so many questions and so many words engraved in my brain #i am so tired of *grieving* when those i grieve are still alive and well and thriving and i'm reminded that it's versions of myself #that i'm grieving instead. how do you grieve yourself? how do you not fucking fall apart over it? #just. fucking talk to me. don't make it be true that all i'll ever be is nothingness and the memory of someone you liked once #but never never never liked enough #i'm so so cold already. i'm a shell. i want to be warm again but it always leaves me so hollow and hurting #i grieve the dio who was warm. i grieve them i miss them i am so so angry that he had to leave. to hide. with no way out #i'm happy for you. i'm happy you're happy. but you're no better than anyone else and it makes me want to run away again #but i have nowhere else to run and no one else to be. and it's so fucked that it doesn't matter who i am i'll never be enough #for someone to just. stay. to see me and to stay. to hear me and to sit and listen and just. just fucking stay. #maybe i'm not worth staying for. maybe there's nothing to know nothing to hear nothing to see nothing to listen to nothing to find #maybe all i'll ever get is one/two good months paid for with a lifetime of grief. and i'm at the point where i don't want the good months #anymore with you or anyone else who tears down these walls with affection that is so endlessly addictive and leaves me yearning. #on the off chance that it will keep the grief away too. but that's the thing about grief isn't it? it's here to stay. unlike you #god this is so fucked up and i'll delete this later but for now i just need to. let it out. poe said i should make a side blog for the grie #but poe's not there anymore. poe has stopped starting fires. so this goes on main until shame makes me take it down #blah #personal #not st

[ratcandy]

i need to stop making funny bug posts every time i do it my notifs explode

#of course i'm not actually going to stop making funny bug posts but also good lort ... mine notifs.. #first it was the scorpionfly borzoi. then webspinner wednesday. then the ''what is and is not a scorpion'' post. #now funny bug names. neverending cycle #someone blorbo-posted on the funny bug name post btw i'm not sure how we got to that point but I'm so happy for you. #think of that fictional man of yours to a picture of a pleasing fungus beetle. fuck yeas. you're almost understanding me #<- sees pictures of moths and has to physically stop myself from giggling out loud #clamtalk