#i would. a million times over.

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.

The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.

"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."

And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.

Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.

That person was a child.

I was a child.

It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.

I'm not ashamed.

I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.

I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.

If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.

#started anti depressants recently. kinda had an epiphany. i can't hate who i was. if i met me now i wouldn't blame that tiny child #for their rancid beliefs or for being dragged to protests. because thats a CHILD. i HAVE met kids in that position and i feel nothing but #pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard? #i could not have known what i know now at 6 or 8 or 10. the same way that i could not have written a college level essay at that age #but i did what i could. in my own 8 y/o way. i believed in love and humanity and happiness. i was just misguided in the 'hows' of it all #and i am so so so so so proud. of every single microscopic step that i took. every question i asked. every thought that i hid and protected #and pondered secretly at night until new ideas and doubts bloomed like a dandelion through the pavement #and I'm so proud that i chased that doubt. that i asked why why why why until their ears bled and their voices were raw #until their answers stopped adding up. until i sought knowledge elsewhere with a mind dehydrated and malnourished and begging for knowledge #in any form i could get. i just. if i could hug that kid? if i could right now reach out and give that terrified and lonely child a hug? #i would. a million times over. #anyway sorry for the intense personal rant I'm just going through it rn and I'm like.... actually feeling alright #its wild. did you guys know about this??? anti depressants make you NOT depressed??? shits insane fam #irl #personal

[stuckinapril]

It really is so true that you never know what someone’s going through behind closed doors. I’ve made being gentle and kind my default bc I’ve had super put together friends disclose the most harrowing time of their lives to me and it’s like oh?? You were going through that???? I would’ve never guessed

#It’s easy to reduce people to side characters or caricatures but you never know. You truly never know what someone’s going through or what #Could push them over the edge. Cruelty will never be worth potentially causing someone permanent damage #I’ve realized this after having a conversation w a friend of mine who sailed straight to med school #Tons of leadership roles #Thriving social life #Yet she just told me her hair was falling out from anxiety. Never in a million years would I have guessed that she was struggling #But she was and lots of people play things close to their chest like that #I really wanna be kind each time I can and to also come from a place of compassion #Bc ik I’ve been misunderstood by people before who reduced me to a caricature or just didn’t know what was happening in my life #I want to actively work on extending the benefit of the doubt to the same people I would want to extend the benefit of the doubt to me

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Bingqiu ponies (Happy Birthday @Piosplayhouse!)

#poorly drawn svsss #svsss #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #equineswap au #They live in the same universe: I'm making it canon right now #I do think there are probably better horse breeds to assign these two #but as far as my little PD-SVSSS guys go - I think these fit alright. #Arabian for the gracefulness and elegance. Beautiful horse (all horses are beautiful so its a close race) #(and the missing rib. Cause....you know....) #Didn't quite get the head shape right but there is always next time. #Shetland binghe for the handsome little guy energy. I personally think a non silly little guy LBH would be a shire horse. #This is 100% an open invitation to debate and discuss in the comments and tags btw. I am no expert on SV or horses. #Also HI PIO! If you're reading this I just want to say thank you a million times over for everything. #You've been so kind and supportive and I think you are a brilliant and hilarious person. The tides of the yaoi wars turned when you enliste #I hope this next year for you brings wonderful things. You're a brilliant force in this world and we all are drawn to your light. #Happiest of birthdays to you B*)

[lesbaurinkos]

sometimes archie just makes a face and it’s like oh. you are my sweetest dear friend with whom i once picked apples in papa’s orchard. oh how i want to set you loose to let you frolic in the fields and be a gay poet forever. oh your eyes are so kind and trusting like those of a baby deer. what if we blow the whole world up. examples below

#ARCHIE ANDREWS IT SEEMS I HAVE GROWN QUITE FOND OF YOU ETC ETC #my FRIEND…… i would kill uncle frank a million times over i would never let you go to war………… #wrapping u up in a nice towel and putting u in my purse except i don’t own a purse so idk a backpack of some kind surely #i can’t lose him in a week NOT MY BEST FRIEND #riverdale

[alaynestone]

-the incest diary, anonymous.

#spnedit #deanjohn #deanalastair #dean x john #dean x alastair #pleasure as a means of survival dean thesis #illusion of agency as a means of staying sane #which then of course means he is responsible for this he chose this he never said no #until he did a million times over to another father but of course only his yes was heard #i love him so much. he would feel so understood by this memoir #you left part of yourself back in the pit #supernatural #even the bones would do #i'm the one that kills you #i carved you into a new animal #* #rape// #incest//

[strawberryteabunny]

oldschool Angelic Pretty strawberry dresses🍓

#angelic pretty #lolita fashion #sweet lolita #oldschool lolita #strawberries #god AP was really putting out banger after banger after banger in this time #I want all of these #there’s more too and the skirts!! #just ran into image limit sadly or this post would be a million miles long #the shirring op of strawberry chan is the iconic one all over the GLBs but there’s no good stock pics of it? #image id has the names if you want to look them up on lolibrary!

[anyoldfandom]

Sometimes I remember that line in S3 meant to show how BK keeps up appearances of running Providence more humanely than WK where Rex says WK was so cheap that he didn't even buy individual stalls for the bathroom and then I remember that Rex got his own basketball court and locker room and Providence was constantly canonically paying for repairs for damages caused by Rex fighting EVOs and fighting EVOs rather than just immediately collaring them and paying for food and cages and such for incurables and EVOs waiting for Rex to cure them and paying to keep Paradise/Purgatory base afloat and then I think maybe. Maybe there is another reason WK was cheap.

#generator rex #genrex #For the record too I still 100% after VK kidnapped Rex the first time Providence was like Fuck. We can't have VK getting in his head. #WK was like fuck how do I bribe him. What do kids like. 401Ks? No. #Calling in Noah for a meeting sitting ominously at his desk leering down at the kid. It's silent for 15 straight seconds. #Then just. '..........What did Rex say he was interested in again.' #He wouldn't ask Six bc fighting over Rex caused their divorce so he asks Noah. #And then he gets basketball. And video games. And music. Okay. #Gives Rex a flatscreen and a million CDs and movies and his own fucking basketball court #WK has no idea how to actually deal woth children but everyone likes expensive gifts so throw that at him #Still doesn't give him a credit card though bc why would he need it. He's supposed to stay on base. #Credit cards encourage leaving base and spending money.

[mumblesplash]

don’t let the superhero costumes fool you they’re just here to shoot people 

#my art #hermitcraft #grian #goodtimeswithscar #hotguy #cuteguy #mcyt #desert duo #why is it every time i decide i’m going to Just Draw A Sketch i end up doing multiple full color illustrations #local artist actually draws background 1 dead 6000 injured #it’s kinda fun figuring out the balance between ‘practical archery knowledge’ and ‘superhero theatrics’ when designing these guys #grian’s costume prioritizes aesthetics over practicality/realism whereas scar’s is fairly reasonable from an archery standpoint #and i have no idea what grian’s costume looks like from the back #it’s what he would want #actually the thing i’m most proud of is cuteguy’s bow design #closely followed by that ‘don’t walk’ sign #you gotta admit that’s a really good sign #anyway today’s tiny detail that no one would ever notice in a million years #hotguy is using go-away-green arrows #which is funny for two reasons‚ #also this isn’t even possible to see i dont think but the arrowheads are that triple-edged spiral blade banned by the geneva convention #it’s how he got all the scars #but the real question is did i make him hot enough

[emece-sp]

Come on guess who my favorite SCP doctor (and author) is, Bonus

Tiny bug

#its clef- who would have known #scp foundation #scp fanart #scp fandom #scp #alto clef #dr clef #dr alto clef #mcarts #fanart #i've drawn him like 4905940 millions times this year #am i going to upload any of the rest? probably not iM SCARED #Uhh the guy with the net is my d-class #oc #triple #Oh yeah there's the beetlejuice reference too #cough #don't ask #Edit: my friends are bullying me over this because i got so nervous my tummy started to hurt #if author sees this 1- im sorry 2- i will launch myself to the sun like one of those experiments to kill 682 lmao

[muffinlance]

Interest Check: Isopuppy Plushies

Anyone interested in buying isopuppy plushies?

Either as a pattern or actual sewn-by-me toys. Because I have crocheted So Many Toys over my children, and I am thinking it's time to go back to sewing for awhile, but I should also stop rampantly making toys without homes to send them to. So. Casual interest check. I am absolutely making one for myself; this just determines if I should go through the effort of making an actual pattern so I can replicate the process.

#interest check #I like making things #then I run out of room for the things #the tragedy of the compulsive crafter #I have made Two Entire Blankets over this newborn and husband is very supportive #but I can see him eyeing our overfull blanket closet #and wondering when we will have so many blankets that he is inevitably smothered in his sleep #I would offer to sell crocheted blankets but they would be So Expensive #if you ever get a crocheted anything from someone #make sure to thank them profusely #because that is hours and hours of love #that is also why this isn't an offer for crocheted isopuppies #I could make a pattern for that easy #but oh boy would it take so much time compared to a sewn version #not looking for a cost prohibitive Seal Jerky here #just an adorable impulse-buyable pupper #I REALLY want to make little bean-filled ones that can curl up into baseball-sized balls for Playing Fetch #and a bigger version with suction cups on the legs so Good Boys can go up walls (or at least windows and bathroom mirrors) #but what I SHOULDN'T do is make a million hilarious versions that are going to collect dust #ADOPT AN ISOPUPPY TODAY #avatar the last airbender #atla #Salvage #Zuko #the amazin

[lampyr1dae]

I am sooo sleepy 2nite itd be such a shame if a boy came n cuddled with me under all my cozy blankets and maybe get a bit handsy while we share some soft gentle kisses oh noooo thatd be awfulll

#i am LYING it would be quite joyous 🥰 #i have done 4 million and a half things today yall #but they are all over n its time to be gay #ftm mlm #ftm #t4t mlm #mlm #mlm yearning #mlm nsft #queer nsft #nsft t4t

[demadogs]

ok the rate at which shows are being canceled after one season is becoming more and more ridiculous and excruciating to the point where they dont even give people TIME to watch the shows anymore!! i will be recommended a good show by a friend and think “ooo im excited to watch when im not super busy” and then just a month later before i even had the chance to watch it, its already canceled.

and these days whats considered a “successful show” has to surpass hundreds and hundreds of millions, sometimes over a BILLION hours streamed to be worthy of renewing but when shows get somewhere between 50 million and 100 million theyre treated like they were a complete flop even though that is STILL MILLIONS AND MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO WERE INVESTED IN THE SHOW AND WOULD WATCH FUTURE SEASONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was going to watch that show. i was so beyond excited to watch that show. it had one of my favorite actors in it and it was produced by the same creators of my favorite show of all time. but because i have responsibilities from work and school like a normal fucking adult, i couldnt make the time to watch it and now only a week after i was recommended the show, it was already canceled.

i am used to mourning stories that ive become attached to that will never be complete, but this is altogether different. you didn’t even give me a chance to meet these characters or watch this story. a story that an entire cast and crew of probably thousands of people put all their hearts and soul and TIME into and yet you gave it just a fucking month before you decided it was unworthy of pursuing. even though tens of millions of people who were lucky enough to have been available to watch it at the time thought otherwise.

#im so mad im so mad im so mad #dark is my favorite show ever of all time ever ever ever and 1899 is made by the same creators #when i tell you i lost my shit i was so fucking excited but IM FILMING MY THESIS RIGHT NOW IM DOING WORK I DONT HAVE TIME #I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AT LEAST THREE MOTNHS BEFORE THEY RENEWED IT OR NOT #i love wednesday but i feel like that show is a big reason why this one was canceled #it came out the same week and wednesday got over a billion streams so 1899 having only 87 million looks bad but THATS STILL 87 MILLION??? #im so fucking pissed rn #if dark got canceled before s3 i would have fucking ended it all thank god at least i have that #but now ill probably never watch 1899 bc i dont want to love it and never know the ending #im so mad #1899 #netflix #byler #youll agree w me

[tloubraininfection]

I`ve been rewatching the car scene from episode 4 and there`s that moment just after “Alone And Forsaken” starts to play when Joels face changes completely. There is something so soft about this expression, he`s not quite smiling, but his face relaxes, he closes his eyes and he looks like he got lost in a memory. And you can see it’s a good one, a safe one. To me that would suggest that it was something from way before.

Because thats a face of a person that got reminded of something from his childhood. Something half-forgotten until someone brings it up and you remember it as vividly as if it was yesterday. Every texture, every sound and every smell. And you can’t help, but smile, cause it was so long ego, but also not really, you`re still the same person. And music is like magic, it`s the only time machine we have, works every time!

And that got me thinking! If this music is from before Joel`s time, is it possible it`s something his father used to listen to? His favorite road trip music maybe? And Joel was the one in the backseat, just like Ellie is now, going crazy from boredom, asking a million questions, waving at the passing cars or making crazy faces and then hiding? And then when Tommy was old enough was it both of them playing or fighting and driving their father mad in a process?

It breaks my heart in the best way because this is just the beginning of Joels journey and hes changed so much already, to the point hes able to access this small part of himself and it makes him feel soft, even if just for a second.  Makes him think about a time everything was simpler, sweeter, kinder? Somehow those memories survived all those years completely unscathed, as if they`ve existed in a protective bubble untouched by anything that came after. They`ve formed their own little universe where Joel`s small hands knew nothing of violence or survival yet, just toys and ice cream cones. Nothing of the nightmares to come, just a moving car, his dad`s favorite song and his little brother annoying the hell out of him. A small moment preserved forever on the Hank Williams cassette tape.

#i blame Ellis for this #and his Ask a Million Times #genius of a fic #it always makes me so sad and soft and nostalgic #and makes me think about road trips #and miss my idiot brother #we used to get into all sorts of backseat shenanigans #playing car games #or fighting over an old road atlas #none of us could read #but we both wanted to navigate #and my parents would torture us with their old people music #that i feel nostalgic for now #anyways this is still about tlou #in a way #tlou #the last of us #tlou hbo #the last of us hbo #joel miller #tommy miller

[askthebadkidz]

Riz Gukgak please, on my hands and knees praying to the universe, say aroace, say you are aroace, I cannot believe he has to actually spell it the fuck out when it’s so unbelievably obvious but god please say aroace.

-Mod Riz

#fantasy high #d20 #dimension 20 #Going insane over Riz Gukgak #One time I was in a fandom where one of the characters flirted with both woman and men. #And I saw so many posts that were like ‘I wish they would confirm this character is bi :/ it would be so cool if this character was bi.” #And I felt a feeling I could never describe in a million years. #That’s what I’m feeling again right now.

[tennessoui]

Do you have a preference for top Obi-Wan or top Anakin in obikin? And if so, why? I'm new to the fandom and ship, and it seems that top Anakin is very popular. I've always imagined him bottoming more often for Obi-Wan, although I like to think they switch occasionally

i very much do not have a preference or an opinion on this! i read and write either - the important thing for me is that they're recognizable to my understanding of the characters and i don't see either of them as massively frail, demure, twinky, etc so that's usually the stuff i don't read or interact with (and i've moved away dom/sub stuff currently) though more power to you if that's what you like! to me, their sexual positions in bed do not make up a big part of their characters, so i really can switch between both and enjoy it all.

it's just not the interesting part of a story for me, and honestly (and i know this is controversial or what passes for controversial in a fandom lol) i don't tend to tag my explicit fics with who is topping and who is bottoming if there's penetrative sex involved - especially for longer fics because the story isn't about that in my mind. it's a very small aspect of it and the least important part

i do think i've seen a lot of conflating dom/sub with top/bottom lately and that's a trend that comes and goes like waves and also a trend i very much dislike. i definitely have stronger views on conflating dom/sub and top/bottom than i have on who should top and who should bottom LOL

#asks #and all those strong views can be boiled down to don't do that #also i wouldn't say one is more popular than the other #i think sometimes i see a lot of one over the other and it's just because i noticed it and now i see it everywhere #confirmation bias (not actually called confirmation bias probably) #like im sure there are not 1 million posts where anakin is a subby bottom (used interchangeably) #but i've noticed it once and now i feel like i see it everywhere because i'm hypersensitive to it #i guess my final point is that my bestest understanding of their fictional romantic relationship #wouldn't be that they switch occasionally #but that they would quite literally switch all the time because their romantic dynamics are separate from their top/bottom preferences #and honestly ive seen that opinion a lot lately #and im so happy about it lol #cause a few years ago that was not something i saw floating around LOL

[goldkirk]

I'm so proud of myself about finances in the past couple months. I still struggle with money but I did enough meditation and journaling and practicing about it to make myself able to actually face my loans and credit cards and savings and bills and start really truly organizing and addressing them for the first time in years instead of just flying by the seat of my pants.

Like. This is a huge deal for me. I've felt like I'm in deadly danger every time I've tried to think about money for years and years. I'm finally able to look it in the face and stare it down and start to organize and plan on purpose instead of just keeping up with the minimum to stay afloat. I'm so proud of myself.

It's still a refrain of "GUILT (funny link)" every time I think about money but I'm able to actually make spreadsheets and face the numbers and monthly tracking again, and even make a new full budget which I haven't been able to do in ages.

still feel guilt, overwhelm, and helplessness, but no longer feel as much deep elemental shame and terror. that's progress baby

#we don't need to talk about how many months and months of therapy visits and doctor appointments I put on credit cards #among other things #but I had to put my foot down about it a couple months ago and shout at myself a little saying HEY #I AM SHAKING YOU BY THE SHOULDERS I AM SHOUTING FOR YOU TO HEAR #OF COURSE IT WAS A TERRIBLE FINANCIAL DECISION BUT YOU WEREN'T EVEN EXPECTING TO BE ALIVE #THE CREDIT CARD DEBT WAS NECESSARY TO KEEP YOU ALIVE AND IT DID AND EVERYTHING ELSE IS WAY LESS IMPORTANT THAN THAT #why the FUCK are you feeling SO ASHAMED for making the best decision you knew how to make at the time??? #just because you know NOW that you could have tried some other options doesn't mean you did THEN #you may have known enough to feel shame and guilt yes but you would never in a million years have gotten the help you needed fast enough #by attempting to go another route #you didn't trust anyone besides a very few handfuls of people and even them it wasn't fully #and the stress of running it through parental insurance was so terrifying to you bc you didn't know what that would do #and you never had cosigners for anything your whole adult life. it's OKAY #you fucking DID YOUR BEST #YOU HAVE LEARNED. YOU HAVE MADE CHANGES. YOU HAVE ALREADY DONE BETTER #YOU WILL CONTINUE TO LEARN AND IMPROVE OVER TIME #it is not the end of the world. even the utilities sending you to debt collections etc etc #YOU ARE FIGURING IT OUT ONE PIECE AT A TIME #MORE PEOPLE ARE ASHAMED AND AFRAID OF THEIR OWN FINANCES THAN YOU THINK #if the people who fought and argued with and shamed you for considering student loans much less taking them out #had wanted you to actually be financially safer and healthier #they could have just fucking helped out or cosigned your loans or actively helped you find other solutions #instead of spending months and months telling you it was the worst decision ever and would ruin you financially for decades and such #you made the best decisions you could with the level of terror and knowledge that you had. it was enough to keep you alive. #isn't that enough? #isn't it a victory to survive?? isn't that enough?????? #god i'm cringing at sharing this but if it's been this hard for me surely at LEAST one of you has also made financial mistakes or regrets #and seeing me be honest that I fucked it all up too and it's a mess and I'm just climbing back through it as best as I can as I go #will hopefully make at least one of you feel a tiny bit less alone