#idk ive really enjoyed both

[viir-tanadhal]

reading bernard and then johnny's book back to back is very interesting

#it's interesting reading what bernard says about manchester and salford and the working class community he grew up in #and living with his mom who was disabled and his grandparents #and then compared to johnny talking about his family and siblings and irish extended family where he grew up #bernard focuses more on being moved out of the 'slum' to other housing and that loss of community #johnny mentions it too but only briefly and doesnt put as much focus as bernard does on it #although that might be because of johnny being younger by a few years #i also like johnny being an outside view onto joy division and factory and the hacienda #and mentioning everybody knew the hacienda was a money pit after it opened 😭 #also the parallels for them are interesting #with johnny dealing with morrissey and the other members suddenly taking sides and changing #with the same happening between bernard and hooky in 2005/2006 #idk both situations are sort of similar and i find that interesting #altho i guess thats a common occurrence for when bands break up or someone leaves #idk ive really enjoyed both

[vorestarr]

thoughts on vampirism as a symbol of trauma

i've been thinking about this in relation to Astarion's story arc for a while and started writing this post a couple times, only to have it become much longer than expected, so for now this post is just going to be about the different paths of ascension vs spawn from the end of his personal quest. (i think there are multiple ways to read his story, and this is just the way i've been reading and thinking about it.)

the basic idea of this post is that Astarion's vampirism is a physical manifestation or symbol of his trauma, and therefore the two different ending paths for him are distinguished by how he addresses his vampirism (and therefore trauma).

it's pretty clear that the vampirism itself is a traumatic experience for Astarion, from how he describes almost dying, then actually dying, and then everything that comes afterwards at Cazador's hands. but i think of this a step further, in that the actual symptoms of vampirism are also part of this. there's an idea that there are physical manifestations of traumatic experiences held in the body, even if the trauma itself was psychological in nature (i.e., the body keeps the score). this is how i read vampirism for Astarion, specifically.

to start, he's turned into a vampire after a traumatic experience (almost being killed by a group of people one night). he's "saved" from this by Cazador turning him into a vampire, but still his body literally dies when he turns into a vampire, which is another separate traumatic event where he feels himself die and then has to climb out of his own grave. (also noted, i believe it's hinted that Cazador orchestrated the attack on Astarion that almost killed him in the first place, so Cazador is the cause of all of this trauma in one event that is Astarion becoming a vampire.)

his body is physically changed by the experience. he loses things because of it, maybe things that were not particularly important to him but now seem incredibly important once they're gone (like walking in the sun) or things that were previously important to him and now he can no longer enjoy (living indulgences and pleasures like food, or his own reflection). also critically, he cannot get those things back. his life is changed (literally ended) and there's no fixing it.

he learns coping strategies during the subsequent 200 years, which i will not get into in this post, but suffice to say that he learned things that he believed would protect him in the moment.

after the tadpole when he experiences freedom from Cazador's influence for the first time, there are some critical shifts that happen to start him on a path to address these things, or not. the recent interview where the devs mention that the ascended path is one of fear, i really agreed with and have said similar things in previous posts, because to me, i think the main difference between how Astarion acts in those paths is that for ascension, he relies on the methods he learned in those 200 years to survive in the moment, while in the spawn path, he learns new ways to cope.

to elaborate on that, i think the ascension path specifically is about avoidance.

in trauma, avoidance is what it sounds like: avoiding any triggers or negative emotions related to the traumatic experience. the avoidance can manifest in different ways, but a key idea is that by avoiding those negative feelings, they are never actually addressed.

i think there are two big ways this manifests in Astarion's story, related to vampirism:

ascended Astarion is avoiding those negative feelings of fear of Cazador (or someone else doing what Cazador did) by focusing on seizing power and control. if he's more powerful, in control of a situation, then nothing bad can happen to him again. the way this ties back to vampirism as a symbol of trauma is that this is literally described to us in the game as the natural course of life for vampires: they live in fear of other vampires, fear of their own spawn seizing their power, etc. this is the story of Vellioth and Cazador, and then later Cazador and Astarion (regardless of the choice he makes to ascend or not). we even get a list of vampires where ALL their life spans/eras of power are timed so that we can infer that each subsequent vampire has killed the previous vampire to dethrone them. so, vampirism itself is trauma and the known course of vampirism is this same cycle we see repeated with multiple vampires and histories in game. by taking a different path and not becoming a full vampire, spawn Astarion has started to learn a new way of dealing with his vampirism/trauma, rather than avoiding it.

the OTHER major way i see this manifest in the game is how ascension and spawn paths deal with the literal symptoms of vampirism: walking in the sun, Astarion's reflection, food versus drinking blood, the vampiric state of undeath, etc. these are all things that changed about Astarion when he became a vampire, and things that (in the normal course of events) cannot be changed back. he died, he's dead, there's no curing his vampirism. in other words, there's no going back to who he was before the traumatic experiences. that by itself is a neutral statement, the same way that there's no going back to who a person is before any major event (be it meeting someone important, choosing to take a certain job, etc etc), because we are all constantly changing and growing. HOWEVER, i think the places with Astarion where this stops being neutral is how he addresses that fact: with acceptance or avoidance.

to elaborate on the second point, which is my main reason for making this post:

on the spawn path, Astarion learns new ways to be and to live with his vampirism. in his epilogue, he can mention that he's not bothered by losing the sun again, he can describe finding a sense of belonging with others who share his vampirism, and he can define himself in new ways that he's picked for himself rather than stay in the definition of vampire that Cazador held.

in the ascension path, Astarion avoids all of those difficult realizations and choices. he falls back on the same strategies that helped him survive in the moment for those 200 years, but which can and do hurt him after escaping that environment. he's working hard to keep from addressing those negative feelings -- and on the surface, this works! he can walk in the sun without the tadpole! he has new vampire powers and he can do all the things he lost when he died! he can see his own reflection again! but, he's still a vampire, still has his fangs, still has his red eyes.

this is why i think the route is characterized by fear and why i found that interview with the devs interesting: by focusing on all those avoidance behaviors, Astarion ends up being stuck in a state of mind that's all about fear because it's all about avoiding that feeling. he feels great in the moment because he has been able to claim back some of what was taken from him, but this is not a solution because he's still a vampire.

personally, i do not read the ascension path as continuing a cycle of abuse, but as the continuation of avoiding the painful process of healing from trauma.

ascended Astarion is elated after killing Cazador because he feels the power flowing through him and it makes him feel safe in the moment, and because he is avoiding addressing any lingering feelings of pain or negativity, including avoiding addressing that he just killed 7000 people.

spawn Astarion meanwhile looks absolutely miserable immediately after killing Cazador when he cries and breaks down, and then he feels numb later because he's so overwhelmed. this i think resembles something that can happen in trauma therapy, where a person feels worse when they initially start addressing and working through their trauma, because it means actually feeling all of those negative emotions they've been avoiding.

in the end, ascended Astarion has not changed how he addresses his trauma or vampirism, and the ascension has actually given him more tools to continue avoidance. spawn Astarion meanwhile is exploring other ways of living with his vampirism, and can be experiencing success with that by the time the epilogue rolls around (even if there are some bumps and regressions along the way, like losing his ability to walk in the sun again).

because this is my main reading, i also don't think this makes ascended Astarion evil or irredeemable -- i think he shows that he does still have all the emotions that he's displayed through the game and therefore he still has the potential to follow the same path that spawn Astarion did in healing. but, the critical thing with the ascension path is that he does not have the clear motivation or triggering event to start him down that path. he's further away from that, and it will take more work to get there. everything he did after all comes back to the ways he learned to survive under Cazador, so those behaviors helped him at one point. the issue is that he's past the point of those things helping him, but he can't let them go.

tl;dr: i like looking at vampirism itself as a physical symbol of trauma and as a way to read Astarion's potential storylines, because it provides a context for me to view how the ascension and spawn paths treat his vampiric symptoms -- avoiding them in the ascension path by giving him an "out" of sorts to avoid addressing how those symptoms impact his life because of the extra abilities granted to him by the ritual, versus being forced to grapple with them and figure out a way to life with them and even enjoy them on his own terms in the spawn ending.

if you read this whole post, thanks for sticking with me and feel free to share your thoughts too. :)

#astarion #meta #astarion ancunin #i have a whole other post related to this about some specific in game events so i will link it here when im done writing that... #but for now this is just a brain dump of some things ive been thinking of when i think about his story #i really love ascended astarion tbh and i find his path really cathartic and validating when it comes to trauma responses #but i also love and appreciate the way that the game shows how spawn astarion hurts and has to hurt in order to heal #idk i just really enjoy his character and both paths and i haven't been viewing them as 'good' or 'bad' paths/endings #and just wanted to share my thoughts and framing for how i approach him :)

[good-beanswrites]

Hello!! If you're still taking requests for that drabble game, might I request either Strength with Kotoko + Mikoto or Weak with Amane + Futa? It's fine if you aren't doing it anymore, of course

I've been in this fanbase since trial one and out of all the things I've read, your writing is probably amongst my favorite! (Even if I haven't finished going through it all yet...) I hope you have a splendid day! <3

!!!!! You are so kind waaahh this completely made my day, thank you ;---; I'm so glad you're enjoying omg ✨And thanks for these, they were really cool and fitting combos!! I tried to do a dual-perspective of Kotoko and Mikoto's pre-T2 fight, and I posted the one for Weak below.

Strength can manifest in a variety of ways, not just physically. Kotoko had a strong determination, for example. Mikoto had a powerful way with people. She showed solid self control and willpower. He held to strict deadlines and routines. She maintained a sharp intelligence. He upheld an unshakeable resolve.

Also, they were both ridiculously physically strong.

The pair came to this realization around the same time. They’d gotten a taste of the others’ power when clashing in the interrogation room, but it had begun suddenly and ended just as quickly. This time was different. They stood in the center of the panopticon, with the echoing space to themselves. As Kotoko swung a punch toward Mikoto, and he caught her against his forearms, they had a moment to gauge the other’s muscle. 

Kotoko stared into his eyes, which had a different sort of awareness to them now. He’s more coordinated, she thought, he must not be the same one I faced before. He’s leaning on the strength in his arms -- he’s not using his legs to their fullest potential. It doesn’t matter, given the raw force of his blows. Has he trained for fights, or just built his muscles in general? 

Mikoto stared into her eyes, returning her fiery gaze. Fuck, this lady’s strong.

She wound up again. He retaliated quickly. She shoved his back into the guard’s tower. He sidestepped her next attack. 

He didn’t really care why his fellow prisoner had come charging at him swinging, but she made sure he knew.

“The warden may not be able to administer punishments,” she said in between timed breaths, “so they entrusted me with that responsibility. This is justice, for the lives you’ve taken. You won’t be able to hurt anyone else.”

He broke into harsh laughter. “You’re one crazy motherfucker! You’re the only person hurting anyone.” He tried to grab her, but she slipped from his arms. His eyes narrowed, laughter dying away with unsettling speed. “But there’s no way in hell I’m letting you hurt me.”

Kotoko was struck by the way he said it. Her voice had shaken with the very same determination when putting herself between an innocent citizen and some creep. It was how she felt now, trying to keep his violent hands away from the other prisoners. There were children here, weak and scared. Es themself was just a child, and had already suffered his violence. She refused to let this villain cause any more pain. “I’m doing what needs to be done. You’re nothing but a murderous monster.” She swung her fist.

Mikoto caught her by the wrist, forcing her to look at the blood caked in her hand. He didn’t know whose it was, but it wasn't either of theirs. “You’re the fucking monster!” He shoved her backwards. “And I’m gonna kill you for it…!”

He didn’t know how she could think she was the hero in this whole situation. He was the one protecting someone else. 

Neither held back. Mikoto wheezed as her boots connected. Kotoko cringed as Mikoto landed a solid hit on her face. There was some shouting from the hallway. Their resolves hardened. Mikoto wasn’t going to let anyone else threaten him. Kotoko wasn’t going to let him threaten anyone else. They were strong, they reminded themselves. They had to end this now.

The two charged at one another. A moment before they were set to collide, they both cried out in pain. Blinding white light flooded the dark panopticon. They clutched their eyes, stumbling away from one another. A figure shoved through, planting himself between them.

“Stop this, both of you!” It was Kazui.

“Get outta my way,” Mikoto growled.

“This is not your concern,” Kotoko said, blinking in the light. 

The spotlight in the guard’s tower had been switched on, pointed directly at them. Kazui remained in place. “That’s enough. Look at yourselves, for god’s sake!”

Under the harsh light, they now saw the sort of state they were in. Mikoto’s uniform had torn in new places, blood seeping through. He could taste some in his mouth, too. Kotoko’s face was cut. Her leg ached. They stood covered in bruises, panting. 

“Go back to your cells,” Kazui commanded. “We’ll sort this out in the morning.”

Kotoko squared her shoulders. “There’s nothing to sort out. He’s a murderer. I won’t lose to him.”

“This bitch tried to kill me. I’m not letting her get away with it.”

“I don’t care.” Kazui said simply. “Call it a draw. You’ll both tear yourselves apart if you keep going.”

They continued staring at one another as if their gaze alone could take them to the ground, but neither moved to fight. 

Mikoto felt a pang of guilt. Lost in adrenaline, he didn’t realize how banged up he was. He thought of how much pain he’d experience in the upcoming days. The whole point was to save himself from harm. 

Kotoko cursed Kazui for interrupting her. As one of the forgiven, he was supposed to be on her side. Even if he wasn’t honorable enough to see her as an ally, she’d have to be the bigger person. She wouldn’t threaten him. 

Neither was happy about conceding, but couldn't think of a better option given their end goals.

Kazui remained between them as they stalked off to their respective cells.

“A temporary draw,” Kotoko muttered to Mikoto. She flashed a grin that felt more like an animal baring its teeth.

He returned the smile. “You won't be so lucky next time.”

#milgram #kotoko yuzuhira #mikoto kayano #kazui is there too #uhhh sorry if you meant bonding between them -- this just ended up flowing really well 😭 #honestly though in my mind they both are secretly impressed with the others strength #like they werent expecting them to be so powerful but their glad at least their opponent is a worthy one #i suppose its leaning into the trikoto theory but kotoko specifically comments on mikoto being a bad fighter in his interrogation #so itd make sense if it were a third alter that could actually give her a challenge #im not much of an action writer but i always wondered how their fight ended in a draw #neither are the type to just back down and call it a tie #and logically kotoko would have knocked mikoto out so hed switch back -- but i would count that as her win ya know? #so i had to think about how each of their own goals might stop them #it was yuno in the guards tower btw -- though idk why it was just left unlocked asdfdsfd #AHH thank you so much :'))) that made me so happy waaahh #ive been having a blast with these and its so fun to know others are liking them too! #i hope you enjoyed :D #and hmm maybe once ive done mug's requests in a day or two ill try my hand at a gentler one between them... #drabbles

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog #didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move #across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s #so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help #with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the #location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright #colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird #like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the #southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December #it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but #i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and #jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen #im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and #the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier #for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy #but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked #up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents #r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes #better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book #like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭 #so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-] #unrelated

[volfoss]

I really hope it'll get better as the game goes on (as I'm pretty early on) but the way the Witcher 3 is treating ciri as an adult versus geralt feels weird to me 👍 like she's got a full face of makeup practically and a fantasy bra. I wish I was fucking joking like they put her in a (sheer wet white :/) blouse with it being torn open in the middle to reveal a super duper supportive bra (this is sarcasm it's like. Barely fucking covering or holding anything.). Now obviously I do NOT expect a fantasy game to be realistic with undergarments but to pretty much have the clothing decisions reflect modern bras but again only for ciri (so far. Again I am not far into this but her character design OHHH they did some shit with her in a bad way!!). Like this isn't even offering structure or anything (her bra strap (which of course is revealed because her shirt is slipped to the side enough to show that) is maybe a half inch thick) and I again do not expect them to keep the historical accuracy but it's so clear it's just for objectification. Not even to go into the like. Fact her shirt is cropped (which so far I have not seen with geralt but again early on 👍) and cropped enough that it pairs so good with the skinny jeans so that playing in 3rd person is so clearly just catering to players that are objectifying her. Like the fact that she has literally no armor on in this first appearance (minus a. Leather corset because of fucking course they did) and it's just so clear that the player base really does not seem to respect her (as in I was looking for armor mods and the countless amount of mods that were just like ok she's tits out and in a tiny bikini bottom. Nothing of hey here's some cool armor for her ^-^ which is all they have for geralt). Not even to get into her heeled boots which like. Are so fucking impractical I'm so sorry but you want her to be running and fighting when she is having to be in heels. It's um 👍 very weird and offputting to me because they're giving her sweet character moments (again very early on but seeing her in the bloody Baron quest line was so frustrating) and then are like oh yeah we are going to make her so sexualized and so perfectly polished pretty girl despite having fallen into a mud puddle moments before. She plays so so much like they're trying to make her so dainty and feminine like. She's supposed to be strong and when you see this kid tell her that oh she's stronger than this kids dad for killing all these wolves, and then you see her toothpick arms. And it's like god idk I do not expect her to play the same as geralt (since he's 6 ft+ and built like a fridge in this game) but she plays so like??? In the way that it doesn't feel natural with her movements because there's so much focus on look how she's sashaying as she walks (wish I was joking 😞 but she resembles that one batman video game sashay gif) and it's idk. It's very weird to me and I hope it gets better but for rn I'm like honestly frustrated w it 👍

#twist rambles #sorry i was playing a lot of the witcher 3 last night and met adult ciri and am still kinda mad about it today 👍 #long post #probably man idk this is smth that rly pissed me off last night #like ive really enjoyed the game so far but with both how theyre treating her and what they did to geralts face compared to the first 2 + #games its like i have minor gripes <- wants that man to be more offputting and less yassified #also sorry mutuals who dont care about this but consider im so so silly and can get rly frustrated over this #i love ciri i just wish it wasnt like this. i understand the game is so good at sexualizing women but theyre painting her as a strong woman #and then doing this to her like. it's just eye candy :/

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

Tagged by @rusalkascave

List your top 10 comfort movies

Spirited away

Nausicaa and the valley of the wind

Ponyo

Howls moving castle

My neighbor Totoro

Kikis delivery service

Castle in the sky

Princess mononoke

Practical magic

The princess diaries

Tagging @smute @mmolia @nextdoor-andromeda @starlightomatic @starfish-enterprise @an-autistic-with-personhood @revanchistsuperstar and anyone else who wants to do it

#can you tell i like ghibli movies lol #practical magic and princess diaries are the 2 ive watched the longest on that list tho #i used to watch both with my mom as a kid #the spongebob squarepants movie almost made it on the list lol #i havent seen it in a few years tho #the kung fu panda movies are also up there #also dont @ me but the live action beauty and the beast is also up there #i did not like the animated one growing up. idk why. but i was just Not A Fan. i can appreciate it more as an adult but only because #i really liked the live action one. im pretty neutral on most of the live action remakes but i genuinely enjoyed that one #also they went fuckin hard with the beasts solo song when belle left #encanto and turning red are also good #but i rewatch all of those ghibli moves at least once every couple of months lol #putting on a ghibli movie for me is like that scene in lilo and stitch where stitch is going crazy destroying shit and lilo puts a lei on #him and he goes limp and calms tf down lol. playing botw or totk have a similar affect #oh lilo and stitch is another comfort movie of mine lol #ohh lets see if i can list out 10 of my comfort movies from childhood. several are the same but #aristocats. i rewatched that one so much as a kid that my mom still talks about how crazy it drove her lol. #oliver and company..101 dalmatians (any of them. the animated versions. the live action ones. the sequels. didnt matter. loved them all) #lilo and stitch of course....lady and the tramp 2. lion king 1½. spongebob squarepants movie....mulan....the road to eldorado #and......oh yea princess diaries

[hellfireeddiemunson]

random thoughts don’t mind me

#just been thinking abt my name a lot lately and how i sometimes just really don’t feel like i have any real attachment to it anymore like #idk it started w me hating my full first name and my childhood nickname so i started going by kat in high school and it’s stuck which is #cool and nice and much better than the two alternatives. however the further i go into my trans journey the more im like hmmmmmm don’t think #i enjoy this name anymore either ! but i cannot think of any other alternatives so i just keep using it #i just wish my name had something more masc i could turn it into but idk anything and i can’t do my middle names either bc i fucking hate #both of those names so bad bc they’re my aunts names and she’s turned out to be a shitty shit person so i don’t want to even acknowledge em #also the like. two names ive thought of that are Close to kat are like. ehhhh bc one is literally my little cousins name so….weird. and then #the other one is the name of my ex that i met on here and she turned out to be a very not great person so idk if i want that one either #but it’s a nice lil name and i am a better person (meaning i don’t be weird and try talking to MINORS) so maybe i deserve the name more— #and also i literally can’t even think of any other names that aren’t close to my name already bc i don’t think i look like anything else #that i can come up with ????? so that’s hard. idk i’m just thinking out loud #this stuff weird bc i’ve never had to think about names for myself before bc i was always fine w my name but now it just feels like an old #version of myself i don’t match up with anymore and so im like ok well wtf do i do now!!!!!!!!!! #also if anyone reads this and has advice???? answers???? suggestions???? idk just words….??? about anything said i wouldn’t mind !!!

[infiniteseriesofhalfways]

Does anybody have good podcast recs? Preferably easy to follow and/or light hearted? I've been listening to music at work but i feeel like i might need something a little more focus grabbing this week. Plus I've just been wanting to listen to something new anyhow.

#like yeah i have a list of pods i could listen to #as far as like... non rt goes #but everytime i think about listening to one of those im just ehh #also generally I'm looking on amazon music because i hsve unlimited for 3 months or whatever and i cant afford Spotify #but also like anything thats available wherever is good #idk man #i cant even specify a genre really bc yes i like true crime but also i like just shooting the shit but also i like new info but also i like #stories but also i can soooometimes do fantasy or horror #i might try (for the thousandth time) to actually fully listen to WTNV but who knows #oh also ive decided fuck a queue when im here im here when im not im not #i can feel many emotions both dumb and serious so enjoy them all #ks asks the internet

[thehardkandy]

about 3/5 into a memory called empire which has taken me a couple tries to get started over the last year or two. hoped to be more into and while i'm still leaving it on while playing games and stuff, im not as into as i would like 2 b. we'll see how the end sticks the landing before i decide if i keep going

#ive been reading a lot of really good stuff and so going to something that so far is just 'entertaining' is unfortuntely a step down #also doesn't help that i find poetry in most sff annoying mostly because despite an entire english degree and both practical and creative #familiarity with poetry. it has just about never knocked my socks off in any capacity #i dont think that's the focus here mind you but i also find myself thinking too much about the 'in translation' aspects #vis a vis the technical notes on it and other stuff idk #and the characters..... idk im too lazy to do a review im sure ill still enjoy finishing it enough

[be-good-to-bugs]

i think abt every nice comment and ask ive ever gotten a lot. microdoses of social interaction.

#the bin #i need to talk to ppl more but attempts usually dont go well for so many different reasons :( #i yry and it goes bad and then i get scared to try again and dont try for like 2 years #hhhh. idk. maybe online friendship just isnt for me. i feel like ive gotten better at texting but idk #i used to come across as a weirdo or super boring but i think ive gotten better with both. but ive only talking to a v small amount of ppl #since ive gotten better at that stuff and it didnt go well. maybe im too sensitive. idk. i worry maybe im a bad person if i ghost people who #make me really uncomfortable but i dont think thats actually true. i hope jus need to meet the right people and ive just had bad luck so far #and that im not just incapable of online friendships. idk. ive enjoyed online interactions in the past. i just couldnt make friends bc i #text boring. i just gotta keep trying. i wanna make friends who like stuff i do. i wanna make friends who i can watch a mivie together with #and like chat. online. just make kandi togetehr from miles away. that sounds fun. idk. i dont wanna be lonely like this :(

[hauntedrain]

For Years! | Max Verstappen x Reader |

Social media AU Summary: Max and reader get criticism over the status of their relationship.

✮▹ A/N: So sorry for not posting for so long. Life has been BUSY. but hopefully i can post more and write more! Love you guys <3

✰▹Warnings/Notices: Not edited. nothing really. reader mentioned to write music

Liked by Max Verstappen, Lando Norris, & 3,345,678 others

@Y/N: Lovely time lately.

view all 19,234 comments

user1: LMFAO MAX.

user2: Y/N you'll always been iconic

user3: sometimes I forget Max Verstappen is dating THE Y/N L/N.

↪ user4: SO TRUE. It completely passes my mind that they've been together before he even got to F1.

↪ user5: THEY'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR 9 YEARS?

↪ user6: YEA ITS WILD.

↪ user7: wait but they haven't gotten married or anything?

↪ user8: Yea no. They also avoid the questions around it. Kind of weird to me.

↪ user9: But hasn't Y/N written songs about marriage and getting married? Why haven't they?

↪ user10: Maybe they just don't want to. Or max doesn't.

MaxVerstappen: Why did you choose that photo of me.

↪ Y/N: You want me to post the photo from yesterday?

↪ MaxVerstappen: NO.

↪ user11: LMFAO. PARENTS.

Liked by Y/N, Redbull, & 2,345,567 others

@MaxVerstappen: Great race and great win! Getting ready for next week. And thank you to @Y/N for making me but those glasses, best purchase.

View all 14,567 comments

Y/N: I told you they were a good investment

↪ MaxVerstappen: I don't know if you would call it an investment.

↪ Y/N: I'll post that picture.

↪MaxVerstappen: It was a great investment! better than a house!

↪ user12: better than a ring?

↪ user13: STOP. but no fr, wheres the ring Max?

user14: Okay nice win but when yall getting married?

user15: everyone needs to mind their business, maybe they're just not ready to get married and that okay.

↪ user16: But its been 9 YEARS. NINE YEARS. Its a red flag.

liked by 18,234 others

@F1GOSSIP: Max Verstappen and Y/N L/N have been criticized over the status of their relationship. The couple has been together for over 9 years however many fans have realized that there's been no movement in the relationship, family and marriage vise. Thought?

view all 5,567 comments

user17: I mean its their life but 9 years?

user18: Idk guys don't hate me but sometimes max doesn't seem interested in Y/N. Like all of the Monaco GP? seem happy around her.

↪ user19: Bro look at the pictures in the post. Does he seem unhappy in them? No he seems very happy.

↪ user20: Okay but lets be honest. Both only seem that happy in front of a camera.

User21: I mean for some of their relationship they were fairly young. Maybe they just wanna enjoy it little by little.

↪ user22: I think in 9 years you can enjoy a lot.

user23: I wouldn't marry her either. Max knows what's best which is why he hasn't done it.

Y/N has posted to their story!

liked by 6,678,567 others

@MaxVerstappen: happy 3 year anniversary @Y/N. love you much and cant wait for years to come. Also, people said I hated her? How could I?

view all 35,567,878 comments

Y/N: Guys my husband is kinda cool.

↪ MaxVerstappen: Kinda?

↪ Y/N: yea cuz im cooler than you.

↪ MaxVerstappen: Okay love.

user24: WTF 3 YEARS?

user25: max said hold my 3x WDC titles while I make everyone shut up about my relationship.

↪ Y/N: He just wins everything doesn't he?

↪ CharlesLeclerc: Yea its kinda annoying. you should distract him Y/N

↪ MaxVerstappen: Dont tell my wife to distract me, I'll lose.

↪ CharlesLeclerc: thats the point.

↪ LandoNorris: I just wanna win.

↪ user26: LMFAO WHAT IS HAPPENING

↪ Y/N: Im collecting them all

User27: And people said max didnt wanna marry her.

user28: Bro just keeps winning doesnt he. Y/N GIVE ME A CHANCE.

user29: if you look closely you can see me getting run over by an F1 car.

⭒❃.✮:▹A/N: I hope you guys like it! I need to post more but ive gotten so busy and haven't had the time. But I'll try to post more often. Love you guys! hope you enjoyed.

#f1 #f1 fandom #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #formula 1 #formula one fanfiction #charles leclerc #f1 x reader #max verstappen x reader #max verstappen #max verstappen f1 #max verstappen imagine #max verstappen fanfic #max verstappen x you #formula one x you #formula one #formula one x reader #one shot #my fic #fic rec #charles and max #lando norris #oneshot

[orcelito]

So the bad news is that discacc chapter 42, the chapter that was supposed to be the Anniversary Chapter, is now late enough that I'm contemplating whether it'll be the holidays chapter lmfao

The GOOD news is that between this (currently 10k words) and the side fic I'm working on (currently 8k words) there's gonna b a Lot to read. 18k and counting. Neither of them are finished.

And yes I DO have to post them together, bc they tie in with each other. It'll make sense when I post it.

So no there's not the Quick Update I was hoping for after last chapter 😔 but it's gonna be a Good One!

#speculation nation #discacc shit #if i finish b4 xmas im probs gonna post b4 xmas #in previous years ive busted my ass to get a chapter out on xmas as my gift to readers #but. lmao idk how much i care about doing that this year #certainly dont wanna get as little sleep as i did prior to xmas Last year #sooo it'll b pretty close to xmas b4 theyre both done. but im not gonna wait until then bc i want them out NOW #but im counting them as my gift to readers. the giant package #AND!!!!! most importantly. keeping up with the theme of the last two xmas releases being really fuckin angsty #our dear side fic is going to be Utterly soul crushing!!! #discacc chapter 42 is actually pretty happy for the most part. just a bit melancholy at times #but it references the thing with this side fic. and it's gonna be. glorious. #i have no idea what to title this thing. new fics r always hard for that #easier to just keep posting to the same big fic. i do chapter titles but theyre ultimately pretty unoriginal descriptor words lol. usually. #amyways im gonna work on side fic more today. hopefully. ive been mostly chilling #taking some well deserved rest. #after i eat im gonna get Workin. if all goes well i could possibly even finish writing side fic tonight #we'll see! it's the easiest it's ever been to write some utterly soul crushing words. im enjoying it a lot

[mrfoox]

I really can relate to the whole Feed the ones you love mindset 😭

#miranda talking shit #Unfortunately i cant cook but i can bake so i just offer cookies to anyone i like that visits #Oliver and i have been eatingpistachios nuts for two days in a row now bc he says he really likes them and i surprisingly thought they #Tasted alright. And i get him a cookie ive baked and milk... I am legit like a grandma #Idk its something about bringing eatable things (especially onces you made yourself) to someone you care about #It makes me happy like yes .... Eat up little one.... #Same when i make food and share with mom like yes... You need to eat #My relationship with magnus and oliver is definitely not as the rules think they should be but i like it #Bringing them a snack is great i love it... Plus theyre both way too skinny especially magnus so i think i feel this stronger #If i was not so energyless and bad at cooking id definitely feed a lot of my loved ones more #Making things people you like enjoys really gives me some feel good emotions and i dont have enough of those

[harleehazbinfics]

ermm ermmm ,,,,, , cannibal!reader has like a sad past right (i saw u mention they were abused hence the obsession w approval) ,, well okay what if the hotel residents found out? like ... idk one of reader’s parents shows up at the hotel ... idk , honestly i just really love how you write cannibal reader theyre wildly silly

Crazy for you!

--- cannibal chef m.list

a/n: AWWW THANK YOU SO MUCHHH they/she is indeed very silly, i most of my inspo from myself and other fans of alastor and their reactions lmao. ive been stuck on one fanfic for days i gave up today and words just flowed for cannibal chef reader, i can't--. also plsplspls if you find any of this triggering pls turn back, i want all of you to be in a safe space.

warnings: abusive mother, shaming choice of clothing, weight shaming, typical asian behavior of 'be a doctor or lawyer' but rudeness level maxed out, being called ungrateful, useless etcetc DISCLAIMER: Any scenarios are entirely fictional and have no direct relation to any person and taken from behaviours I see, read or hear from. Thank you. word count: 1292

You, Alastor, Niffty, Husk, Angel and Sir Pentious got together and were enjoying a lazy weekend just lounging around the parlor just enjoying each other's company and talking amongst each other. The lot of them fitting on the couch and the floor. You stood beside Alastor sitting on a chair by himself drinking his coffee indulging himself in a casual conversation.

You all turn your heads when the door opens expecting to see Vaggie and Charlie, preparing to greet them and get them to join you all. However, they stop in themselves from doing so when they see the both of them touring a person in.

Your constant smile drops at the sight of her. You immediately recognize the face and voice making you slowly and quietly hid behind the chair Alastor making yourself small as to not catch their attention. Alastor, of course, notices this action and raises his eyebrow.

"And this is Angel and Sir Pentious our other guest, Niffty our cleaning maid and Husk our bartender. Alastor here is the host of the hotel, he's the who supported all our endeavors!" Charlie states.

"Oh! Isn't that the Radio Demon? Dear it is him! I'm a big fan of yours," your mother mooches at Alastor earning a displeased static sound from him when she abruptly shook his hand without his permission.

"Alastor, where's (y/n)? Aren't they always with you?" Charlie asks making you cringe as you cautiously walk towards them.

"(Y/n)? Is that you?" your mother asks in disbelief before enveloping you in a hug, which made you sick to your stomach. "Oh gosh! It's been years! Look at you! You look so skanky with that clothing. You also look like you've gained weight. I told you not to go to culinary school and be a doctor or lawyer instead. You look so fat now, probably from all that meat you're eating. You should've gone vegan look how your Aunt Karen slimmed down, she's been going around and teaching, crazy bitch. Anyway, take my luggage to my room, I need to talk to everyone here. Good? Great."

You tried to get a word in with dejected eyes but lose your voice when she gives you harsh glare. You sigh and take her bags and answered, "Yes mother."

Without you noticing, all the others went deathly silent as they watch you look so sad. Your almost permanent smile disappeared from your face making them surprised and worried. You always smiled around them, mimicking Alastor's grin that was plastered on your face. Sure, they've seen you drop the smile when you were separated with Alastor before but eventually you opened up to them and was seen constantly socializing and smiling around them making them feel relieved being the youngest of all of them, but they never seen you look so sad before. Coupled with the backhanded comments made by your mother, they couldn't help but feel hostile.

Indeed, you were crazy and a bit of a monster, but you were the sweetest most thoughtful thing that ever happened to them. Any occasion was prepared by you ranging from the Hotel's Anniversary, Birthdays and even as miniscule as just a mission accomplished on their rehabilitation program. This encouraged everyone to do better with how much faith you put in them. (That and your cooking is so out of this world that even Angel would dial his drug intake from a 15 to a 13 for a treat.)

So, when your sweet and genuine smile faded, they glared at the perpetrator that made you react so drastically. However, in respect for Charlie they held their tongue first.

"Sooo, what's your relationship with (y/n)?" Charlie asks trying to be polite despite the tense atmosphere.

"Oh, her? She's my daughter. Ungrateful little wench, I took care of her her whole life and the thanks I get is her running away home. Next thing I know she's in a boarding school for taking culinary classes. Where'd that bitch even get that money, she should've paid everything he owed to us first! Her parents! Say, can you make me a drink Whiskers? Just thinking of that bitch makes my head hurt. Make it snappy," she orders around slumping onto a vacant seat making herself very at home.

"Don't call me Whiskers, only my friends get to call me that. And I ain't taking shit from you," Husker replies turning his back at her.

She gasps dramatically and yells, "You call this hospitality?!"

She stands up trying to reach Husk, Angel stands in between them along with Pentious and Niffty before a black tendril shoots out from the ground wrapping around her.

"This is where I draw the line," Vaggie growls pointing her spear at your mother.

"What? You actually like that girl? Pft, what the fuck's that all about. She's ungrateful and good for nothing. You actually like someone as useless as her?" your mother laughs at the protective group, her eyes widen as she sees Charlie change into her demon form.

Alastor gently pushes her behind him stopping her in her tracks. He says, "I'll handle this. This obviously concerns my closest companion so this will fall into my hands."

Your mother scrutinizes him finding his tone and gesture quite odd then her eyes lighten up in recognition. She laughs at him and yells, "You can't be serious! You like that--"

She gets cut off as the tendril wraps around her mouth and drags you in his shadow, ceasing her muffled screams. As soon as she disappears, you come down finding all of them but your mom.

"Where's my mom?"

"Sheeee changed her mind! Yeah! She told us that she had something to do," Charlie lies between her teeth with an anxious look in her eyes making Vaggie elbow her despite her doing the same.

"Oh, I see," you say still not smiling, "Will she come back? Her things are still here."

"Nah. She ain't comin' back, sweet cheeks. She's got better shit to do apparently and wanted us to drop off her stuff on an address," Angel casually lies beckoning her to sit with them petting your head after.

Husk nudges Pentious making him confused for a while before getting the message, answering, " Y-yes! I will do it right now. Eggbois! Take the woman's things outside the hotel!"

While the little eggs tottered to do their master's bidding your eyes slowly light up but not fully their yet.

"Look kid, we won't prod into your business but know if you ever need someone to talk to, you've got a bartender right here," Husk jokes with a grin holding onto his suspenders in a pose making you slightly giggle.

"Hey, hey you got us too!" Angel, Charlie, Niffty and Pentious (that got back from telling them to throw the old bat's shit into the garbage) joined in earning a smile from Vaggie and Alastor.

After you felt better, you called in for the day and left to your rooms. After escorting Alastor to his room he snags you inside then comes in close before petting your head tenderly.

You look at him surprised, although without your normal heart eyes that you give him, confused at his actions.

He brushes his fingers against your cheek electrifying you and states, "Whenever you get into trouble, tell me. I'll handle it myself, after all you are mine."

Your eyes shape into hearts, legs turning into jelly, heart beating faster and faster by the millisecond, trying to comprehend the weight of his words and engraving them into your brain.

"Understood?" he asks pleased with your reaction.

"Yes, Sir~" you breathed out finding yourself flushed red, breath hot and heavily.

"Good," he smiles devilishly.

(I'll leave the ending as ambiguous 😌)

#hazbin hotel #hazbin alastor #hazbin angel dust #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin lucifer #hazbin husk #hazbin charlie #hazbin vaggie #alastor x reader #alastor #alastor hazbin hotel #alastor the radio demon #radio demon #hazbin hotel alastor #cannibal chef reader #harleehazbinfic

[byizoyas]

tears of themis ; drabbles

nsfw. ✩ nxx boys being so jealous they have to remind you (or themselves) who you belong to [fem!reader] featuring: artem, marius, luke, vyn

a/n ✩ this is only just a teasing, longer versions for each of them will be uploaded later ehe also this is my first tot fic idk if y’all read it BUT ive been wanting to write for them for a while now

⸻ ꕥ ⌎ artem doesn’t talk a lot when he’s feeling irritated or upset about something. he usually prefers to keep it to himself but when he sees you from afar, joking around with his forever rival, he cannot contain himself any longer; taking you by the hand and pulling you away from the party, away from him. his hand is gripping a bit too hard on your wrist that you feel it hurting already yet before you can speak, his lips are already pressed against yours. his hands go down on your body, reaching out to your ass, squeezing it as if it helped him relax. and it seems that it does help, because you feel his lips curling up into a smile against your skin. ‘what’s gotten into you ?’ you ask. and all you get as an answer is him, looking away; obviously avoiding your eyes.

‘is it not okay for me to want you when you look so divine in that dress ?’

⸻ ꕥ ⌎ marius easily gets jealous whenever you get too close to other men; because he knows how beautiful and desirable you are.of course he’s not speaking his feelings everytime he happens to not like you talking to a man. but this time it is too much. he puts down his glass, approaching both of you slowly. ‘i need to see y/n in private.’ he says. actually he orders you to follow him. and his hand quickly seizes yours anyway, so you cannot deny his request. he closes the door to his office behind you. locks it. ‘oh ? here ?’ you say, walking around his huge office, staring at the city lights. the view at night is breathtaking from up here yet you don’t have the time to truly enjoy it when you feel his body pressing against yours. he is hard, and slowly unzipping the back of your dress. ‘i want you.’ he whispers against your skin. ‘you are mine.’ he adds, dropping kisses on several places and you feel two of his fingers slide into your wet cunt. ‘ngh~ why are you like that ? the event only just started.’ to that he simply keeps on fucking you with his fingers, and stuffs your mouth with the fingers of his other hand, commanding you to suck it.

‘no.’ he giggles ‘me fucking you only just started and you will be moaning my name over again, asking for more of my cock inside of you.’

⸻ ꕥ ⌎ luke hates himself for having the idea of bringing you here; to a jet ski class. he feared that you’d spend a bad moment and wouldn’t dare to tell him; yet you seem to quite like it. a bit too much he thinks. now, he’s standing alone on the sand, unable to take his eyes off you as you’re clinging hard onto the teacher’s body. of course he keeps his composure with the stranger; but the way he takes your hand and takes little time to get you out of here says a lot about his true feelings. luke sits on the driver’s seat of his car, but does not turn the engine on yet. instead he pulls you into his lap so he can enjoy the direct view of your boobs. a view that is his and his only. he helps you take your shirt off. he’s usually softer, but you ask no question because you already know that this is only a vague insight of how jealous he must be. he buries his head into your neck, biting and licking it to show you how bad he wants you now. and since actions don’t seem to be expressive enough to him, he speaks up against your skin.

‘i’m gonna mark you as mine. i’m gonna fuck you hard and you will be clinging to me, begging for me to be more gentle.’

⸻ ꕥ ⌎ vyn can get pretty sadistic in bed if he feels like it and since he knows you enjoy it too, he doesn’t really hide his fantasies to you. he’s eyeing you now. has been for a while since the beginning of the party in fact, and no cheerful expression of yours around that man escaped his observant eyes. ‘may i ?’ he politely asks for more of you in the middle of your conversation. but this is only a facade and you know it. you can see in his eyes, all the things he’s going to do to you and feel yourself getting wet to your simple imagination. he opens the bathroom door to you. ‘the toilets ? very elegant doctor richter.’ you tease; but he’s in no mood to accept it. he’s grabbing your waist, making you turn around and forcing you to look at yourself in the mirror. he pulls down your skirt and before you can tease him again, he spanks you hard, and bites your shoulder.

‘a pretty slut like you deserves no better than a vulgar bathroom to be fucked. and i will be doing it all night.’

#tears of themis x y/n #tears of themis x reader #tears of themis smut #tot smut #tot x reader #artem wing x reader #artem wing smut #artem x reader #artem smut #marius von hagen x reader #marius von hagen smut #marius x reader #marius smut #luke pearce x reader #luke pearce smut #luke x reader #luke smut #vyn richter x reader #vyn richter smut #vyn smut #vyn x reader

[epiicaricacy-arts]

oh we’re still so young, desperate for attention

this was super experimental so i will talk about my process (+ clearer version) under the cut

i’ve been looking at a lot of “messier” or more textured painting styles recently and an artist that stuck out to me is clariondeluna ! they posted a self-portrait recently that i really liked and i was super interested in the brushwork seen in their work. i love all the textures and how the shapes feel so loose yet everything is so detailed.

that’s not a method for me at all!!!! i cannot paint like that at all and the stuff i like to paint is very different to theirs. which is okay!!!! i had no intention to copy this artists style so closely like with what i tried to do in my raiden painting, i just wanted to try this style out :^)

it’s been a goal of mine to avoid over-rendering like i tend to do a lot, and i think i’ve been doing good with that recently! the mindset i’ve got going on right now is that if i find myself staring at it too hard for too long, i have to leave it and move on. if there’s still something wrong with it, i can fix it later once ive got a fresh view!

i’ve been trying a lot of things with my art this year. i always try to challenge myself with each piece, and to end the year off i wanted to be as uncomfortable as i possibly could be with this painting. i let myself draw whatever i wanted because i still wanted to enjoy it, but everything i did in this process was new, including parts of the subject matter.

i’ve never drawn a head at an angle like this, and i struggle with drawing mouths open. i don’t do bold lighting like this, and if i do, it’s not fire. i’ve never drawn fire! i also rarely work with warm colours and i hate using green, so i combined those to be my colour palette. i like working cleanly so instead of having a dozen different layers for one section, each section only had 1-2 layers for rendering. instead of clipping masks i would simply paint over things loosely and clean it up later. i never like having limbs cut off in a drawing so i had his other arm go GOD knows where. i don’t like weird patterned backgrounds so i made myself figure out how to like it!

IS THIS MY FAVOURITE PIECE OF ALL TIME. no. absolutely not. but i’m very proud of how this came out with all the challenges i put on myself. i WANTED to get better at these things and be more broad with my art, both in terms of the styles and subjects i portray.

okay let’s talk about wtf this drawing is

for those who don’t know, the design in this painting is my fatui/“Father” lyney fan design (read the design post here). the concept isnt super complicated and i don’t really have much explanation for it, but i wanted to combine the story of how lyney wanted a delusion before getting his vision, fire eating circus acts and how olympic medalists will bite their medal to prove it’s real??? don’t quote me on that i’m like 75% sure that’s a thing that happens. i don’t watch sports though so im just believing someone i heard on the internet ages ago.

anyways. i think fire eating acts are cool. and i think the fact that lyney wanted a delusion is very interesting to me. scratches my brain in the right places. and yk as a magician lyneys character revolves a lot around fooling people and creating illusions so i guess what im saying here is that lyney is trying to prove to himself that this power he’s been bestowed is real. bc his whole life his only constant has been lynette so he is trying to see if he can trust this new power. cause i guess this is an alternate universe where lyney does eventually become “Father” but he never got his vision ??? idk im not making lore for this i just wanted to dress up this funny little guy.

ok i’m done

thanks for reading

here’s my dog

#my art #fanart #genshin impact #genshin fanart #lyney #genshin lyney #lyney fanart #digital art #artists on tumblr #artists of tumblr