#it felt like it should be an easy perspective but getting the shadows of the room and the shadows of the characters to match? nope

[thatanimeramenchick]

Headcanons for Vox and Alastor both falling in love with an extremely powerful Overlord known as the Pink Death, she is called that because she's thought of as an incurable plague that consumes and annihilates everything she comes into contact with and she's a Pink Bunny demon and she's so powerful all the other Overlords, even Zestial are terrified of her, since when she arrived in Hell, she killed every Overlord that existed in that time and took their powers?

Incredibly Powerful Reader

Since this is a yandere blog, this will be done with that in perspective.

I also want to do this with the mindset that it is impossible to technically permanently kill other demons without angelic weapons. It is true that Alastor has made other demon overlords “disappear,” but I feel like it’s implied that he has somehow destroyed them in a way that is much worse than death, perhaps in a horrific existence in between realities? I don’t know. Anyway, I feel like the killing people with diseases temporarily and being a major threat is still an interesting view though. The complete toll you could have on demon and sinner society by wiping them out in waves whenever you felt like it would give you a lot of power in hell.

Anyway, when it comes to the guys, I see them actually sharing quite a few things at first.

Both of them would hope that their experience and ability to play manipulation games would allow for them to outsmart you, even if you are significantly more powerful than they are. Whether they actually do or not depends on you and your personality, but I could see them getting the upper hand if you’re not careful, especially Alastor.

Both of them also would hope to win you into a contract that allows them to have you under the thumb, but they would present it as giving you a power boost to help you clinch full power over hell. The details of this contract and their way of going about it will differ, but ultimately that is the goal each of them would have.

Vox

Media thrives on disaster. You’ve created a gold mine of content for this man. His interest in you would simply start out as using your story to promote his own company, and it would later turn into an obsession. Considering how the Vees are able to stay safe during extermination day through extreme isolation, I don’t think he would be too worried about the infection for similar reasons, simply being annoyed that it’s hurting the company as it’s messing with staff and therefore production.

If you decide to reject him, he can paint your powers to his advantage, threatening to use the media to paint you as a monster that hell needs to rally against at any cost. On the other hand, he could offer you a sweet deal if you want to get along nicely with him. He could make sure that everyone knows you’re the most powerful overlord in hell and that you should be respected and admired as well as feared. This is when the contract comes in, where he gets to portray you how you’d like as well as provide comfy living arrangements as long as you are willing to work alongside his company and only his company. He’ll make sure you’re on a higher position in the company than the underlings, considering how much power you have. Oh, and he’ll add a little clause that you’re not to turn your nasty tricks on him either.

Alastor

Alastor is more cautious than Vox is. While I see Vox as going the direct approach with you and a clear plan of aggression, Alastor would take his time, watching you from the shadows. He would want to get a clear idea of your personality and all its strengths and weaknesses before approaching you. Last thing he would want to do is simply irritate you.

I feel like his approach to you would be somewhat similar to how I think he is approaching Charlie. You are young and so perfectly easy to influence. Your potential is overflowing, surely you don’t want to waste it? If are just willing to submit to his ideals, he could make you the greatest overlord of all time, as well as gain total control of hell. The contract would be along similar lines. He would not rush the business like Vox would. He doesn’t want you to think he simply wants to use your powers after all. You have to feel like you’re giving in willingly because it benefits the both of you.

He would be subtle in his affection. He would make it seem like a business contract, but as you got entangled deeper and deeper in a mess you would come to see that he has a much more possessive and controlling relationship with you than you first thought. The details of the contract that at first seemed to exist to gain you some extra experience and security now seem like chains keeping you attached to a master has no intention of ever letting you become independent in your own right.

#yandere x reader #hazbin hotel #alastor #vox #yandere alastor #yandere vox

[yinses]

shadows on snowflakes

pantalone x afab!reader rated: m

a/n: honestly i have no-one to blame but myself. i’m obviously projecting but who knows when we’ll see this man again. let me have this guilty pleasure. 

“oh man, what a day.’’

you truly admired the free-spirit of your colleague as she twirled around in her seat. you wondered if the way the room spun as the chair finally came to a halt made her feel any less nauseated than you felt at the moment as you reviewed the expense reports for the day. 

one day.

a single day.

it truly never ended. 

despite being a foreign entity in the liyue harbor. money was a common language to everyone it seemed, meaning the northland bank was never without clients. 

fresh store owners looking for a start. 

spry adults getting needing a little extra support for their new beginning. 

oh … and the gamblers. you hated those more than anyone. northland bank never turned away the opportunity to move money, even at the detriment to others. and for that group in particular. 

well, you supposed it was more painful to them in the end. 

pushing papers, after all, rarely got your hands dirty. 

but it was yet again another day. so a fresh list of complaints was the least you were entitled to as branch secretary of northland bank.

as if sensing your oncoming migraine, chyou toed at the ground until her chair swung back around to face you. there was a soft daze in her eyes as the efforts of her spinning settled behind her skull. “i don’t know why you get so worked up about everything. this bank practically runs itself. honestly, if i didn’t know the story of morax i’d say all currency came from here. “

as the saying goes, money makes money. especially when there was a lot of it. so when chyou had been placed in front of your desk as a new trainee, eyes wide with all the information, the job seemed like a no-brainer. 

except that's not how it really worked. had not for the pinch in your brow, you might have cooed at her nativity. it was easy to simplify it all when all that was witnessed were the constant flow of money. it was easy to see it from her perspective as a liyuan native. despite its ties to snezhnaya and the even more distrustful shadows of the harbingers, the bank was a fruitful commodity. 

then there was you, the oh so fortunate associate under the direction of the manager, andrei. 

which would be fine. 

still annoying, because at the end of the day, your job was still draining even when the market ran itself. 

except it wasn’t your only responsibility. 

intertwined intimately, was your second title as in-house liaison to the head man himself of all snezhnayan market affairs. 

the regrator. 

northland bank did its best to maintain separation from the fatui ties. but in truth, there would be no bank without the notoriously wealthy harbinger's intervention. 

once again, naivety, some would call you fortunate to have the privilege to work under a self made businessman. well the few who did know. 

the regrator was as successful as he was handsome. gratuitous in the way he built snezhnaya on a firm pillar of wealth. he was as quick-witted as he was tedious; letters never failing to detail every in an out of the bank. 

to be frank, if you didn’t have a hundred other notices needing to be read, you would be impressed with his insight. except, you knew how to do your job and the harbinger certainly had more important projects to focus on. 

you penned in response as much in his last remark. the returning letter had yet to be placed on your desk, but you had more to worry about than a picky banker. 

“you should come out with us tonight. it's a thursday and tomorrow is already prepped. you can use a bit of easement.” chyou watched you determinedly pack up your belongings with quiet awe. “this much frustration can’t be good for you. why don't we go out for a nice drink?”

shouldering your bag, you declined as politely as you could. what you wanted was to store away the last of these documents so you could curl up in your own home with a cup of tea. 

the bank lobby was finally at rest, only the occasional lingering employee closing up for the day. you waved to a few, silently grateful that you haven't run into andrei along the way. 

the man was nearly as sometimes too good at his job, often persuading you to linger to tie up ends that could wait until morning. 

but you actually enjoyed andrei so there was a difference, you suppose. 

just not tonight. 

with a sigh, you shouldered against the door to your office after turning the key. if luck continued to shine down on you, you'd be able to make it all the way home without interruption. 

“you see, with dedication like this, i never have to worry.”

apparently, no rainbows of fortune came without showers. 

you were rather impressed with the way you kept your composure, heart skyrocketing at the intrusion but your body remaining in place at the sound of familiarity. 

it was sad to say this wasn't the first time a harbinger had broken into your office. but this one was the rarest of them all. 

thick lined coat draped comfortably over the back of your chair, pantalone was a visage of ‘welcomed’ without invitation as he lounged at your desk. there was no telling how long he’d been here, but the fact that he had enough knowledge that you weren’t getting to your tea anytime soon. 

reluctantly, you eased the door shut and flicked the lock.

pantalone cooed at the action, “well done. taught you well. to be honest, i had a bit of trouble with that one this time. new?”

if he was disgruntled by your blatant disregard, his tone made no note of it as you stomped around the room filing away the necessities. as far as you were concerned, your business with him was detailed precisely in every letter he demanded from you, making these unexpected visits more of an inconvenience. 

in fact, there wasn’t even supposed to be a harbinger in this building. 

well there was childe, but he was a joke.

pantalone called himself helpful as he angled his legs to the side to give you room to the bottom drawers of your desk. 

“your last letter made me realize that while i do have my hands in a lot of places, it's important to make sure each and everyone is properly taken care of. your notes are so impersonal now, how am i supposed to know that you're alright?”

you've learned over the years, that there were questions you could ignore and others that explicitly requested a response. these fell into only two categories: ones about business and your wellbeing. 

the curve of his knee wasn’t particularly in your way, yet you shouldered against it anyway out of spite. pantalone offered no resistance to the act, though he chuckled lightly at the notable spite in your attitude. 

“ghosts can’t write letters, pantalone. if you’re receiving them from me that should be telling enough.”

you hated your inability to do anything half-way, habits stopping you from just stuffing the papers into the drawer to deal with later. instead, you were forced to take your time filing them away one by one kneeled beside the ninth of the eleven harbingers. 

what a sight it must be. 

pantalone was respectful of your space however, both your body and desk. you knew despite the fact that he could and had every right to, he didn’t snoop. any and all information was at his fingertips anyway. 

you were simply a voice box.

the man hummed above you,” though a ghost may be more sentimental. you never tell me anything anymore, i have to hear about it from the grapevine.”

unable to resist the bait, you lifted your head to level him with a look. you knew for a fact that the man was above gossip, he simply did not have time for any additional information that wasn't imperative to ‘pumping money around the world’.

which meant that it was volunteered to him. and the only one who would take the liberty was a stupid nosy little water boy who you couldn't pick a fight with because he would enjoy it too much. 

you put away the next file with a little more force than necessary at the thought. “and what is this every generous grapevine saying?”

without looking back, you could hear pantalone shifting in his seat chasing comfort. a moment later came the light drum of his nails. 

“oh this and that. you’re almost too good to a fault. do you do anything other than work?”

“i answer a lot of letters from a nosy boss,’’ you sniped. 

his response was methodically dry, “i didn’t realize andrei was sending you love letters as well.”

with a light huff, you finally pushed the drawer closed and locked it for the night. a glove hand was offered before you could even start your ascend. you took it gratefully, you might be spiteful but your knees were not. 

the assistance was twofold, however, as the same gesture keeps you in place as the man levels you with a long look of contemplation. 

“i dislike having you so far away. you know your position is always open in snezhnaya.”

the position of head manager of not only the largest bank in the country but possibly all of teyvat. a job people still gossiped about in your absence. because surely you had to have done something wrong to have been transferred to a remote location. 

unknowing that it had been of your own violation. 

you tried not to think about the hand planted against the desk caging you in, close but not quite touching despite the intention. 

licking your lips, you focused instead at the slight crease in your clothing from a day of wear. “believe it or not, i quite like the weather here. the only ice i see is in my cup.”

pantalone hums thoughtfully, but the tone was different. more determined this time around. you could feel him trying to catch your gaze. 

it was another request not easily ignored as you felt a light touch under your chin. 

he didn't give you time to get lost in his gaze before speaking,” come home.”

home.

the word felt like splintering ice against the shell of your heart. unforgiving and unrelenting song that you struggled to ignore with each passing day. 

because at the end of the day, liyue was just a place of residence. an olive branch offered to win your compliance. 

because he never wanted you to run. he’d allow distance, as long as you were still in reach.

but liyue had been enough. 

enough space where you weren’t suffocated under the weight of memories frozen for eternity at home. even when they float effortlessly from the letters he sends. 

“i am-”

for the first time in awhile, you witness the cross look on his features. it almost makes you smile, witnessing the pinch of frustration on the face of a man who rarely was seen without a grin. 

and why would he not smile? he’d overcome the drought of poverty in his upbringing and now lived the fruit of his bearings. ones that he once offered to share with you, time and time again. 

“don’t lie to me.”

even when you tried to sever the ties, to learn to grow without his influence. you know deep down the top of you were rooted to the same spot, and it was by his generosity that you were about to branch this far. 

liyue was just another house, but not a home. 

he’d house you as far as sumeru if you needed as long as you didn't forget where you belonged. 

pantalone’s face softened as his hand dropped to follow the slouch of your body as you settled your weight fully against the wood. 

you should have known his letters were leading up to this. it was your own fault after all. the moment he felt you pulling away at the strings, he was bound to follow. 

your eyes dart distractedly to the sway of his earring as he rolls to his feet, neck angling to keep track as he stands at full height. 

there were moments. brief blimps in time, that you realized that even amongst the smog of rumors and truths, the regrator was just a man. 

and every man had his wants and desires. 

you just wished he’d left you as a whim. 

a wisp of a person on the barren streets of snezhnaya. 

that he hadn’t returned after years of separation, boasting bountiful funds and rich clothing as he stood on your tattered doorstep. 

you wished you hadn't welcomed him with open arms. 

wider legs. 

hadn’t remembered he who spent pennies to buy you sweets. 

not fallen in love with the person who held you above the gods who’d forsaken him.

 pantalone brackets your body with his hands on either side of your hips, thumbs resisting idleness as they swipe distractingly against your curves. “it would be nice to visit, would it not?”

he’s never been afraid of words, building an empire on carefully crafted sentences. but you were different. seated on the table, not on the other side and able to decipher the disguised plea. 

the wintery song.

‘come home’.

he hid it well in his letters too. 

always signed ‘ i await your return’.

home to him was the estate he’d built for you both. the wide spanning property with more rooms than you could visit in a week's time. it was well heated, a stark contrast to the thin walls of your past.

yet a different kind of chill had settled into the foundation. 

once you couldn't shake. 

not in front of a warm meal made by chefs of the highest regard. 

not by the roaring fireplace with a grateful head perched against your lap.

not even at night when strong arms held you close with the promise of never letting go. 

he’d asked once what had changed. you remembered the brief warmth of sunlight against the stark white snezhnayan snow as he stood behind you on the porch. he’d finally met his match, a puzzle he couldn't unravel despite spending every waking hour trying to fill the void you'd unveiled. 

you didn't have an answer for him then,

only offering the same sad smile today. 

the one that ate at his heart and stroked the fires under his vexation. 

again, he determinedly stole your lips in a through kiss, determined to reform the shape of your mouth. and you let him, because despite the ache in your heart you truly had no ill-intentions in making him suffer as well.

it was why you took the position in liyue. pressing the excuse that the branch needed a bit of monitoring under the watchful eye of a foreign archon. and of course you were just the person for the job. who else did he trust more?

led by the fainst spark in your eye at the idea, the brightest light he’d seen in months, he’d cautiously approved your transfer papers. he helped you pack your belongings, but never too many. 

certainly you didn’t need a full suitcase for a brief stay. 

but weeks spanned to months and time passed without the crunch of snezhnaya snow under your feet. it was cruel, but you felt a little satisfaction knowing you’d gone to a place that he could not easily follow. 

his harbinger status was too poignant to ignore and not welcome outside of the reach of the tsaritsa. you may not be running, but yet he could not heed your heels. 

so you let him soak in these moments, hands raising to lace together behind his neck, in hopes to placate him for a few months more. but deep down you knew the threads of restraint were fraying. this was his second visit in the span of three months. a feat for a man with his agenda.

which to most may not seem much, but with a man who functioned the world with the grace of a chessboard, he was losing too many pieces. desperation had led him to forsake the gods who denied him a vision and spite fate by buying it for himself. you didn’t want to know what that method of madness would mean for you. 

though in a way he have you a taste of it, in the fervent way he drank from your lips like a man parched. he touched you in ways meant to leave aches in place of the memories because those were harder to ignore. 

the way his fingers would curl, holding you in place as he nibbled –or bit. his hands would always stay stationary at one stop, concentrating all he had to that point alone so that he could make you feel good. 

his lips would always be latched somewhere so that you would not have room to say anything beyond broken moans and soft gasps. lips on your lips, lips on your neck, lips on your chest, lips between your thighs. his movements were somewhat strategic because after he was done with foreplay, ensuring that you were ready before taking it to the next step, he would slide into you and take you back to the oak scented sheets back in the mansion in snezhnaya.

he never let you feel the guilt of taking. because you always would, too weak against the reminder. 

the sex was good. no, perhaps … perhaps it was the art of making love that was good. felt good. felt right despite the world skewing it all.

when your nerves tightened just like a taut bow, you threw your head backwards, caught by his open hand and opened your mouth in a wordless scream, feeling everything fade away to red as your toes curled and your body trembled in release. he, too, sharply plunged in and out again, meshing his addictive-tasting mouth to yours, hands now roving against your wrists and holding them tightly into place as he dominated you purely on the fuel of his frustration. to quicken his impending climax, you shifted a little in place and clenched around him, hard, watching how he screwed his eyes shut whilst murmuring a sweet prayer against your lips before collapsing on top of you, spent. 

during this moment, you pretend you could see the blankets of snow instead of the golden arches of branches and rolling green plains. 

petting his back. minded of the scars he tried to hide from your wandering touches at night after returning home. 

desperately imagining that life was simpler. 

but your heart could not lie. 

not with the fast approaching reality. 

#pantalone genshin #pantalone x reader #genshin inpact x reader #genshin impact imagine

[emotionallychargedtowel]

Pursuer-distancer roles and attachment style in Utsukushii Kare Part 2: Kiyoi

As you can tell from the title, this is the second part of an exploration of pursuer-distancer themes in Utsukushii Kare. The first post, about Hira, is here. A broader post explaining pursuer and distancer roles, connecting them with the seme/uke trope, and giving some examples from BLs is here.

I’m going to start with something that loops back into the Hira part of things. I mentioned in my last post that just choosing Kiyoi as a love object acted as a way for Hira to avoid intimacy while seeking it at the same time. But something unexpected happened: against what would seem like huge odds, Kiyoi did return Hira’s feelings. Why is that? There are a few reasons. Kiyoi wasn’t just any beautiful, popular boy. He was someone who:

Had a deep (if largely hidden) need to feel loved, combined with a difficulty trusting people who profess to love him. In order to overcome his skepticism and let down his guard, Kiyoi requires something more than your typical adolescent crush—he needs something stronger. The intense, loyal, even obsessive love that Hira offers is thus almost irresistible.

Felt a secret kinship with Hira due to his sexuality. Sidebar: Neither character ever explicitly voices a sexual orientation. Hira’s is a bit ambiguous as Kiyoi is the only person he’s ever felt attracted to. For various reasons I should hold off on getting into here for space reasons, I’m convinced that Kiyoi is gay, self-aware about that fact, and likely was from a comparatively young age. So as I see it, Kiyoi sees Hira as someone with whom he shares a queer identity. Due to his outcast status in high school, Hira seems to act as a kind of shadow self to Kiyoi. Even though Hira’s treatment by peers isn’t due to his sexuality, he could represent what Kiyoi thinks his social status would be if others learned his secret. That connection may also have fueled some of Kiyoi’s (covert) attempts to protect Hira from bullying (while outwardly aligning himself with the bullies).

Ended up being cast out from the popular group for quite some time, creating an opportunity for Hira to bond with him and vice versa.

If Kiyoi had been the person he appeared to be on the surface when Hira first met him—a more boring, average version of himself—he would have been much less likely to be able to return Hira’s feelings. Luckily for Hira, he was much more complex.

Kiyoi is a textbook distancer in some ways, but more complicated in others. The reasons for his distancing strategies are abundantly clear if you give any thought to his backstory. In the S1E5 intro, he describes growing up as a lonely latchkey kid with a single mom, followed by a drastic improvement in his life when his mother remarried, then by feeling abandoned when his younger half-siblings were born and he was (from his perspective, at least) forgotten. The change in his parents’ treatment of him once his half-siblings arrived must have felt like a betrayal. It’s easy to imagine a young Kiyoi blaming himself for having trusted them and resolving not to do so easily in the future. At the same time, his appearance has always brought him attention and made superficial friendships easy to come by. Kiyoi doesn’t trust these sorts of friends and often feels used by them, and these relationships must be rendered even more hollow by the fact that he can’t be open about his identity within them. By the time he gets to know Hira, Kiyoi seems like he’s been waiting to find someone who shares this with him for years. So if you put all of this together, you have someone who:

desperately wants to be loved and connect with others, 

just as desperately wants to believe, and wants others to believe, that he has no need for intimacy,

has an extremely hard time trusting people,

is constantly surrounded by friends he doesn’t trust,

is constantly receiving declarations of love from people who don’t know anything about him, many of them members of a gender category that holds no attraction for him,

and hasn’t experienced much, if any, authentic connection with other people in years.

In some ways, he was even worse off than Hira when they first met.

When I say that Kiyoi wants to believe and for others to believe he doesn’t have a need for intimacy, this is the core of why and how he takes on the role of a distancer. Even without his other challenges, he had to distance himself from others in so many areas of his life in order to keep his sexuality a secret and avoid messy situations with girls. But it’s much deeper than that. His attachment style appears to be dismissing (a.k.a. avoidant). This makes a lot of sense given his upbringing. People with dismissing attachment have had formative experiences in which showing their need for attention and love led to negative outcomes. It’s easy to see how Kiyoi’s history dovetails with this.

In Attachment in Psychotherapy, David Wallin writes that one subgroup of people with dismissing attachment styles have a “devaluing pattern” in which they want to see themselves as special but denigrate others. The quote below is long but it applies so well to Kiyoi that I couldn’t stand to leave any of it out:

[People with this dismissing style] have learned to shield themselves from their unmet needs and angry frustration by thinking too well of themselves and too badly of others. Over time, however, the illusions of specialness that protect and comfort these patients can prove an increasingly hollow substitute for love. Yet genuine intimacy risks exposing the feelings of dependent longing and anger which their parents could not tolerate. Consequently, their response to a potentially intimate relationship is akin to that of a starving man at a banquet who tells himself the food isn’t good enough and therefore refuses to eat.…the self-generated propaganda about their perfection and—still more so—our imperfection provides them with (a very prickly kind of) protection from shame.

Kiyoi definitely seems very motivated by trying to avoid shame. And although he increasingly succeeds at being recognized as special through his profession, it’s also true that he is learning firsthand that this is no substitute for real closeness.

By the way, this attachment style may sound narcissistic. And there’s some similarity there. But I don’t think Kiyoi is a narcissist. While preoccupied with how others see him, he isn’t grandiose. He doesn’t show any of the lack of empathy or exploitative behavior we’d expect of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It may look that way at times during high school, but he doesn’t initiate bullying. Rather, he created an appearance of friendship with bullies that is largely strategic. Tellingly, he doesn’t engage in the same type of behavior once he leaves that environment. The devaluing pattern described by Wallin is a much better fit. I gave some more thought to Kiyoi’s personality and while he, like most of us, has characteristics of a number of types, my take on his most central type is that he’s actually a depressive type, like Hira, even though they manifest this in very different ways.

In her discussion of depressive clients’ tendencies in therapy, McWilliams writes that they “are subject to the chronic belief that the therapist’s concern and respect would vanish if he or she really knew them.” This seems to be Kiyoi’s fear across all of his relationships. When he fails to win the contest in season 1 and is rejected by his former friends, he says, “The moment they found out I wasn’t special, everyone left me. But…not [Hira].” That phrasing is important (at least, if the translation is accurate). He doesn’t say they think he’s not special, but that they “found out” he isn’t, as if this has always been true.

By the way, if I were an old-school Freudian I might point out that another word for depressive personality in psychoanalysis is “oral type,” and that it’s tied to oral fixations. An oral fixation isn’t some kind of sex thing (at least, not necessarily). It involves a strong interest not only in sources of oral stimuli, including eating and drinking, but also things that are associated with mothers, babies, boobs, and so forth. Kiyoi’s new habit (as of S2E1) of opening his mouth, baby bird style, to get Hira to feed him is totally consistent with this. It not only involves a nice oral stimulus, it also puts Hira in a motherly role. It’s especially telling that one of these occasions happens outside the bingsoo (?) shop immediatley after Kiyoi overhears some girls talking about how attractive Hira is. That timing is not a coincidence. I’m not an old-school Freudian and I don’t normally put a lot of stock in the “oral fixation” thing, but it’s actually a remarkably good fit here.

Circling back to the pursuer-distancer part of the picture, Hira initially makes it fairly easy for Kiyoi to distance himself. His pursuit of Kiyoi is so strange and oddly passive and makes few demands of him other than tolerating things like his constant stare. At that point, Hira didn’t presume to seek out contact with Kiyoi much. He stayed in the background. But this actually isn’t enough pursuit for Kiyoi. The balance is off. He can’t get his needs met while disavowing his need for intimacy unless Hira pursues harder and/or more effectively. 

This issue gets a lot more clear once Hira and Kiyoi are actually together. The exchange shown below, which happens when Hira hesitates to attend the party full of models and actors, is emblematic of all of this. (It’s also really entertaining, so it’s no wonder it’s been making the rounds on here a lot in screenshot and gif form--speaking of which, thank you to @xnoel for letting me borrow your screenshots!)

This is classic distancer stuff. In essence, the message is, “Ugh, quit chasing me. Wait, where you are going?” When Kiyoi responds by bringing up that Hira used to come to afterparties for his plays and Hira says he did so out of desperation, he says, “Wow, so you’re not desperate now? Since you already have me?” This is almost as overt as if he’d said, “Hira, I need you to pursue me harder while I continue to act like I’m pushing you away,”

A scene that illustrates these dynamics from another angle is the one in which Kiyoi tells a post-makeover Hira that he looks “handsome enough for me to fall in love with all over again.” (I’m rephrasing as Viki’s translation at this point is a bit lacking.) When Hira’s face begins to light up, Kiyoi visibly panics, says he was lying, kicks Hira, and flees. This is comical, of course, but also sad as hell, because Kiyoi’s fear of intimacy and inability to self-regulate when Hira starts to get close to him is on blatant display.

Maybe Kiyoi wouldn’t have let something like that slip out if Hira wasn’t such an ineffective pursuer in some ways. But part of him does still want authentic intimacy with Hira, and not just this king-and-servant thing. Telling Hira he’s handsome and admitting that he’s in love with him is actually a real moment of growth. Or it would be, if he didn’t immediately take it back. Most people would see right through this, but Hira’s negativity bias seems to have made him believe it.

This hilarious-yet-fucked-up aspect is even clearer in some recent posts by @mineonmain​, which are “incorrect quotes” that end up being more correct in some ways that the actual text of the show.

All in all, despite the kicking and sarcasm he aims Hira’s way, I think by the end of S2E1 Kiyoi is showing at least a bit more flexibility and potential for growth than Hira is. The final scene shows this in a really affecting way. 

The next morning, Kiyoi admits, “I went too far yesterday. I’m acting a bit weird....I get weird when it’s about you.” He doesn’t have to take responsibility for this—it’s not like Hira is pressing the issue—but he chooses to. It’s a pretty big deal for him. He ends up putting his head down on Hira’s lap, looking up at him and saying, “Hira, don’t go anywhere,” in a plaintive voice, and then using his arms to both grab onto Hira and cover his face (hardly surprising given showing this much vulnerable emotion is a huge challenge for him).

But here’s what really breaks my heart: Hira is smiling the entire time, from the moment Kiyoi puts his head in his lap. It’s like the only thing that has registered with him is the fact that he’s in physical contact with Kiyoi and is being told some vaguely nice things, things that imply Kiyoi values having him in his life. But he’s really not hearing Kiyoi, or treating him like a person.

As a result, Hira’s affect (the visible manifestation of his emotions) is completely misaligned with Kiyoi’s. Kiyoi is clearly showing fear and sadness and Hira is just sitting there grinning to himself. If a therapist saw an interaction like this in a couples session, they’d be really concerned. Despite Hira’s supposed dedication to Kiyoi and determination to earn his place in Kiyoi’s life, he’s completely failing to be attuned to Kiyoi’s feelings, much less provide some kind of real comfort. I guess it’s for the best that Kiyoi’s eyes are covered at this point, because that way he can’t see Hira’s unintentionally callous smile. 

These issues are clearly being set up as central to the story of season 2 and likely the upcoming movie as well, so hopefully we’ll see some progress from both characters. They have a lot of work to do. That said, they clearly have a very meaningful connection and a lot of motivation to meet each other halfway. Let’s hope they get to where they need to be. 

#BL drama #psychology of BL #utsukushii kare #utsukushii kare 2 #utsukare #hira x kiyoi #kiyoi sou #pursuer distancer dynamic #attachment theory #dimissive attachment #family systems theory

[miatartistry]

For your decision-making purposes!!

Honestly, I adored the fact that Laurence went blind. It added an additional limit to his character, as well as some twisted irony: for someone who places a lot of value on looks/first appearances, how would he have coped with not being able to see reflect on him?

It made me super angry when his blindness was just cured, straight out, even when I was younger and first watching through the series; it didn’t sit right with me. I understand that it’s a universe where magic exists, but magic should also have some limitations, so that would be a neat way to expand upon those limits!! Especially with Zoey, who’s magic is primarily healing-based; you could even go into something deeper, in which Laurence’s sight might be something that he wants but not necessarily needs.

There’s also not a whole lot of canonically disabled characters within the series, anyway, so to have part of the main cast be disabled in any manner would not only be a point for representation, BUT it would also be super fun from a writing and character building standpoint!!

How would his fighting style reflect with his lack of sight? Would he adopt one of Aphmau’s dogs as his own as a seeing eye dog/partner, seeing as his sister took one of her dogs as her own (or heck, maybe Ungrth would stick around more often, “acting as his eyes”)? How would he interact with Garroth, and how would Garroth interact with him, considering his hang ups in the beginning about showing his face? Etc etc

SO SORRY, this got long, I just feel super passionate about this subject specifically lol, and also Laurence; he’s one of my biggest comfort characters. I’m currently writing a blind character of my own, as well, so I’ve got some experience with both it’s challenges portraying it correctly + how it would fit into the narrative :D

Thank you for this amazing response!! I agree that him being blind adds a lot to his character, as someone who takes his own looks very seriously. But that’s not all that it could add. I’m not gonna spoil anything for my rewrite, but I’ll give you a hint: Laurance has a huge affinity for the earth. With this blindness, his senses would be heightened and he would notice just how uncanny this connection of his is (something he even had before this blindness but just wasn’t noticeable). As you said, vision being something he wants but he doesn’t need, just because of this natural connection he has with the Earth. Also, I just think it’d be funny if he could dodge a ditch perfectly but then run into an actual human being right after 💀

More under cut:

I also totally agree about having representation in the main cast. It felt a little weird that his sight was just healed with little to no explanation on how it was done, it almost felt like Jess thought it was an obstacle she wouldn’t be able to write around. Me personally, I’ve never written from a blind persons perspective before, except a little bit from Laurance’s POV in the first chapter of TBATD. It’s a challenge that I really do want to take on though, not only because of the representation (that I hope I can get right, if you have any sources, advice, or experiences you’d want to share let me know!), but also from a character building standpoint:

You brought up how his fighting style would be affected, which I’m thinking about too. Not only would he have to learn how to sense the battlefield, he’d also have to learn new skills and techniques. I’ll do my research and look more into how blind people can fight, but for Laurance I think that’d take a huge toll on his mental health. He has trained basically his entire life, he was the head guard of Meteli. He gets frustrated easily (not only is it just his personality, but his emotions can get sort of out of control because of his Shadow Knight situation), and the beginning of learning how to fight blind would not be easy. Of course he’d have help, presumably from Garroth (more friendship development for those two. They despise each other in my rewrite), but it’d still be super hard and he’d probably be depressed about it.

And more on his his relationship with Garroth, yeah I saw someone post something about Garroth taking off his helm off and for the first time, Laurance just silently feels his face and I think that sort of sealed the deal for me at that point. If you don’t know already, Garroth and Laurance will have a romantic relationship in my rewrite (well, as romantic as rivalry can get), so I can already imagine some really cute scenes for them if Laurance stays blind, as well as some angsty scenes.

Laurance is an amazing character and I’m happy you’re just as passionate about him as I am. He’s a comfort for me definitely lol, ever since I was kid. For your own character, update me on how it goes!! Thank you again for this response. <3

#sorry it got so long #I just live laugh love Laurance daily #minecraft diaries #aphmau #mcd #laurance zvahl #mcd rewrite #minecraft diaries rewrite #fuck it’s a minecraft roleplay #The Blessed and the Damned

[deadlyflames]

Swanfire Month Day 14: Classic fairy-tale that reminds you of Swanfire: Orpheus and Eurydice

Emma was a poor girl. You might say she was touched by the gods. She would to bring the world back into tune, and fix what was wrong.

Baelfire was a hungry young boy. A runaway from everywhere he’d ever been. He was no stranger to world, no stranger to the wind.

It's a love song. It's a tale of a love from long ago.

It's a sad song. We keep singing even so.

It's an old song. It's an old tale from way back when.

And we're gonna sing it again and again.

This one is a bit of a weird connection. You can blame my obsession with Hadestown. I drew a lot of comparisons between Orpheus and Eurydice and Emma and Neal. Both work in either role. But I went with this interpretation.

I have this very specific image of a Swanfire version of the Underworld storyline. Like, it’s so easy for me to picture that arc being done for Swanfire. I mean, Rumplestilskin would obviously help Emma get to the Underworld for his son. Henry would follow for his dad. Regina would follow for Henry and Snowing would follow for their daughter. Even Hook would go with them for Baelfire.

But I think a really interesting way they could have used the Swanfire relationship in the Underworld was for Emma to do the Orpheus test. Because it makes so much sense for them.

(I think that’s what they were trying to reference with the true love test? Maybe? but it fell kinda flat in my opinion, but that’s a whole other thing)

Because it’s a test of trust and with their history, that trust was shaky, and still in the process of being rebuilt.

Just picture it though.

Emma walking through the dark.

She can’t look behind her and, for added uncertainty, Neal can’t speak either.

You can hear the echoing of footsteps and you can see the shadow behind her, but it’s uncertain. Maybe it’s a trick. Maybe it’s not.

Maybe he only said he would be behind her because he wanted to get her out of the Underworld.

She’s talking about all the hurt she felt after he abandoned her. All the pain they’ve gone through since they reunited. How he broke her heart and how she’s not even sure if he’s there now.

From Emma’s perspective, her and Neal are always being separated by powers beyond their control. When he left her when they were young, because of her destiny and his father’s curse. When he fell through the portal after being shot. When the curse was erased and they were ripped from each other again.

Why should this be any different?

It takes all her strength not to look behind her. To take that leap and believe that this will work.

When she’s just about to exit the underworld and return to the world above, she hits that pivotal fork in the road.

She can let her doubt take route, and turn to look behind. She can loose him one final time, and this time will be for good. But it will be the last time she gets her heart broken.

Or she can continue on. She can reach across all that hurt between them, and put her trust in him once again. She can open her heart up, even though letting him in risks the chance of losing him again.

The trust vs doubt dichotomy would be so interesting to tackle. Because that kind of blind faith is something that Emma has always struggled with, and it would be especially relevant to her relationship with Neal. It either ends in tragedy or a happy ending. I would lean towards happy ending because I feel like Emma choosing trust would be a good moment of growth.

Xxxx

Though the tragedy angle would break me. Can y’all freaking imagine. Emma turning back and Neal is there. She’s stunned and horrified.

“It’s you?”

He’s shocked but gives her a broken, comforting smile before he fades away.

“It’s me.”

Emma’s next arc is about the aftermath of guilt and grief. And then we all cry forever.

Anyway, sorry this part of the post was totally incoherent. The Underworld plot was a total missed opportunity. Hadestown is great, listen to it if you wanna cry.

#swanfire #swanfire month 2022 #ouat #emma swan #baelfire #nealfire #neal cassidy #once upon a time

[scph1001]

i finished innocent sin o7

i get why its very special for some people but i didnt find it incredibly impressive. i do judge it from the perspective that it is a game from 1998. but some of my favorite games are from the late 90s and have very well crafted stories and fun gameplay.

everything just felt a little lacking. in another world i think this could be one of my favorite parties in an RPG- but once again it just felt like there needed to be a bit more of everything. a bit more about everyone reconnecting with jun. more with juns guilt. good ideas are presented- everything just feels underdeveloped. i feel like this is especially apparent with eikichi. eikichis minor plot with his father was always vaguely there. and fighting his dad in the final dungeon is good- but it has no weight and it feels almost like its played for a joke.

also i think tatsuya being a silent protagonist works against the game alot sorry. i understand there are things you can infer but hes a silent protagonist he doesnt have a personality. it makes the shadow tatsyua part a little. aggravating. since the game is trying to make implications about you and they do it in the way psychics do where its vague shit that everybody kinda deals with. also tatsuya being nothing hinders jun since the two are so essential to one another. i dont believe maya when she compares the two so often since tatsuya is literally no one. from what i know i think hes a bit more in eternal punishment but thats not now.

i like that the plot had many moving pieces and its one of those games where i could describe it to you and it would seem like the craziest thing ever. but it all feels like smoke and mirrors.

honestly i can imagine loving the story if they got more philosophical. since the game is based in rumors becoming fact you can get into some really interesting ideas about whats real and it calls into question every single thing about the world of innocent sin. i know i cant really complain about the game not doing something it didnt set out to do- but i feel like this is an approach p2 would take if it was made in the modern era. and also the game is kinda almost doing stuff like that since the entirety of the nazi stuff in the current day p2 world was just created from rumors. i do think they could have done some interesting stuff with post war japan and the damage of conspiracy theories- but once again everything is a bit surface level.

on the other end though. i feel like some of the things in the game ending up just being rumors kinda takes away from them. like juns dad being dead and replaced by some omnipresent being im a bit less into since i think there could be more with the family drama. i know i was just saying i wanted more fake things and for there to be this vague line between whats real or not- but the game itself is in the middle ground so i feel like it suffers from both not letting things be vague and fake- but also taking away from some moments by things being vague and fake. if any of that makes sense.

i love tragedies but i really didnt care for the ending. someone just showed up and killed maya it doesnt feel very tragic. having a character die and then give an ultimatum for bringing her back at the cost for friendship and memories feels very weak since the characters arent majorly flawed. they arent given repentance they are just having something bad happen to them. and that does happen in media and its not a bad story device- but in an ending its very weak and in a tragedy its especially weak.

the gameplay and dungeons were very boring easy and overcomplicated and the constant persona issues of misogyny and weird humor are apparent. i get why its special and im happy to have played it.

i hate saying shit like this alot im sorry i dont trust atlus either. but they should have remade this rather than p3.

#2

[bnhaobservation]

“We have to kill him! Now!” or how claiming you want to murder someone might change the game

There has been a lot of discussion on how Hawks’s words had been a disappointment for a part of the fandom because they seem to show he didn’t really change his mindsetting from when he killed Jin.

(By the way, I know the official translation used ‘Kill THEM! Right now!’ but Hawks said ‘Soitsu o korose! ! Imasugu! !’そいつを殺せ！！今すぐ！！And ‘soitsu’ (そいつ/其奴) means “that person”, “that guy”, “that fellow”, “that one” [其= “That” 奴= “a thing”, “an object”; (derogatory, familiar) “a person”], so it should be singular and therefore I’m using the translation used in the scanlations... even if yes, I guess Hawks wouldn’t be adverse to kill Touya either...)

On the other side I wonder if this couldn’t turn out into something more than that, another factor that would affect the tide.

Heroes aren’t supposed to kill people. It’s something that’s well known to the public and to the kids, in fact, when Hawks killed Jin, he had to explain his reasons to the public. People were worried with other pressing matters (their own safety), so they didn’t really care Jin, a villain, died, but still Hawks was asked to explain his reasons, to justify himself and apologize because heroes aren’t supposed to kill people.

The kids know as well. When Ending is all but begging Endeavour to kill him, the kids capture him alive, insisting NO ONE will die on their watch and, likely, they’re still in the same mindsetting.

During the Paranormal Liberation War Arc the situation was dire and, when the war ended, the kids were dealing with so many heavy stuff (the pain for Midnight’s death, the destruction they witnessed and then the disappearance of Midoriya) that they likely didn’t dwell much on how Hawks took a life nor knew Jin so they just accepted his explanation that he had no better option and decided not to think at it.

There’s something else figuring into the equation.

During the Paranormal Liberation War Arc Tokoyami happened to witness Jin’s body and hear from Touya how Hawks killed Jin, how the Pros’ hands are dirtier than the ones of the Villains. Tokoyami’s expression was shocked when he heard Hawks stabbed Jin [Chap 271]. But then Hawks wakes up and calls him and Tokoyami focuses solely on protecting Hawks, whom Touya had badly injured.

Tokoyami has a bond with Hawks, whom he respects. We can see that Dark Shadow has tears in his eyes when he notices how badly burned Hawks’ back so it makes sense Tokoyami focused on protecting him (and himself as, although Touya didn’t immediately attack him, Tokoyami could have still felt threatened by him for the mere fact Touya was a villain using fire, against which Dark Shadow is weak) and simply pushed in a dark corner of his mind what Touya said.

However now Hawks is yelling to kill ‘Twice’ or better Himiko transformed in Twice, right now. He’s not making attempts to persuade her to stop or ‘help her atone for her crimes’.

Yeah, undoubtedly slaughtering all the Villains would be an ‘easy’ way to end the war because dead people don’t fight wars, but the kids had been fighting so far thinking they could STOP the villains, without getting so far as to kill them. An hero saves, not murders, this has been so far the theme of the story (unless Horikoshi plans to change it).

Being now pushed into a situation in which they’re asked to murder someone, Himeko being a girl a year older than them and Touya being Shouto’s brother, might cause them to falter.

Ochako had heard Himiko ask her what did she want to do with her, if she wanted to kill her and express her grievance toward Jin’s death but it was easy to ignore it when she believed no one wanted to kill Himiko and she was the only one going around murdering people, Jin’s death being merely an ‘unfortunate accident’ she didn’t think too deeply about.

If she will also hear Hawks telling them to murder her she might end up being forced to truly think at the situation from Himiko’s perspective, a perspective in which the villains who stole lives and other people’s happiness are actually the heroes who instead were sworn to save lives.

Tokoyami might be reminded about what Touya said and hesitate, vondering if, as Touya said, heroes really have more blood on their hands than villains and he was always blind to this.

Also, I’ve no doubt All for One will try to exploit the moment because All for One knows heroes pride themselves for not being murderers, for being better than villains so yeah, Hawks’ words should feel like a Christmas present to him to further taunt heroes but, while it’s true he does what he does for his own sick purposes, his words often hit way too close to the mark and might push forward more reflection into the kids.

So yeah, while Hawks’ words can end up throwing the kids into emotional chaos, maybe, in the long run, they might be what will cause things to change, forcing the kids to ponder on things and rejecting the idea that murder is the sole option and decide that it’s possible to stop a person by saving said person as well.

But well, we’ll see.

#Boku no hero Academia #Bnha spoilers #Takami Keigo #Todoroki Touya #Toga Himiko #Uraraka Ochako #Tokoyami Fumikage #BNHA Ramblings

[aerodaltonimperial]

More please?

(have some emotional support horror blorbos)

He catches sight of her out of the corner of his eye, during a practiced fast-walk in the airport terminal en route to baggage claim. The sight trips him up, knees knocking together; one ankle slips behind his other leg and he almost tumbles forward. He stops, because he can’t figure out why she’d be sitting like she is when they’re at their final destination. She’s hunched over, arms around her torso and waist bent, hair falling over her knees in little waves.

Jack turns around, backtracks, and sits down in the seat next to her. “Hey,” he tries. It sounds about as pathetic out loud as it had in his head.

Anna doesn’t answer, but her arms tremble more, so he knows she heard him.

“Do you have checked luggage?” When she nods, he continues, “Do you want to go and get it together?”

Maybe he shouldn’t offer. Is that something exes should do? Is that something appropriate when you come out of the bitter post-break-up phase only under extreme duress, after trauma has wrapped its icy fingers around both your wrists to keep you joined, after you’ve both moved on a little, in the butterflies-in-your-stomach, gentle kisses sort of way? Fuck, Jack doesn’t know. He wishes he had a manual for this.

“Those people died,” Anna whispers, muffled a bit against her hands.

Jack doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he just gums out a simple, “Yeah,” for lack of anything better.

“They died, but we got out,” she says.

“Don’t feel bad about that,” Jack tells her, with more sharpness than he intends. “Don’t feel bad for surviving; never that.”

Anna lifts her head. Her eyes are rimmed with purple bruises and a few black streaks where her mascara has been dragged across her skin. “Why did we get to live when they didn’t?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“We shouldn’t have—”

“Anna, don’t,” he interrupts. He’s pretty sure he knows what this is; isn’t there some kind of official term for this? Don’t soldiers get this sometimes? “We just did. We’re still alive. You can’t go down that road, you can’t start doubting everything.”

“How can I not?” she asks, finally bristling, a stroke of anger in her system. “We came out of an impossible situation alive and there’s no explanation as to why.”

“Sometimes there isn’t an explanation. Sometimes things just happen.”

She goes quiet, contemplative. Jack doesn’t really know if anything he’s said can possibly help. She’s so deep in her own doubts at this point, he’s probably not the right person to pull her out. Maybe Julia can talk to her, rationalize some things. It helps to know Anna’s got someone, actually—a tiny bridge over the river of their decidedly un-amicable split. The rage he’d felt for months is gone now, glossed over by everything that put his world in a harsh perspective.

Jack stands up and holds his hand out for her. “Let’s go.”

It doesn’t feel strange when she takes it. It doesn’t even feel strange when she keeps her fingers curled in his as they make their way down to baggage claim. Maybe, they can make their own rules on this. Maybe they can be friends now, now that life’s pulled the rug out from under their feet.

He gives Anna’s hand a little squeeze, hoping he can pass a little of whatever she needs on, and is relieved when she squeezes back.

“Let’s get dinner soon,” he says.

“Together?” she asks, and he understands what she means even if the word rings deceptively simple.

“Yeah. All of us.”

++

He used to find solace in the quiet, dark corners of the backstage corridors, back before…well, before. He used to like how calm things would feel without the fluorescent overhead lights beating down on him, and now—now it’s the shadows he fears, the unknown. Hook still wants a quiet place to unwind, though, so he moves slowly through the halls that are brightly lit and ignores the tiny off-shoots he would once have crept down. The end of this hallway sports one of the industrial stairwells: good lighting, few dark patches, and easy viewing both above and below.

It’s pretty fucked up how those are the sorts of things that Hook looks for now. He pushes the door open, though, and realizes he’s not the only one. He pauses for only a split-second before moving in and settling on the top step next to Darby’s seated form.

They make it for five minutes or so before Darby sighs, stretching one leg out in front of him so his combat boot scrapes against the cement. “It’s the dark, isn’t it.”

“Yeah.” It doesn’t even make sense, really; they’d been in the woods, not the shadows, but it’s the unknown that lives in the lack of light that feels the most dangerous. It’s the possibility that escape isn’t an option any more.

And here they are, the two people from their sorry little rag-tag band that, for whatever reason, had always been the primary targets.

“You sleep?” Hook asks.

“Like shit,” Darby replies.

Misery shared, it seems. Hook loops his arms over his knees, drawing them closer. A bit of dirt has smudged across the top of his sneaker, so he wipes it clean with his thumb. “How’s your shoulder?”

“Better.”

Hook thinks it’s a lie, but he isn’t going to push it. This is weird, and it isn’t. He doesn’t really like Darby. And the problem is, he’s pretty sure Jack does.

“If you hurt him,” Hook starts, slowly, rolling each word carefully over his tongue, “they’ll never find your body.”

Darby stares at him. “Are you giving me a shovel talk?”

“I’ll hurt you way worse than those things will.”

Another lie. Darby huffs out a little laugh, toeing at the ground. “Yeah. Alright.”

“He’s a good person,” Hook says.

Darby takes a long time to respond to that. “Yeah.”

“Good talk,” Hook says. At least thinking about that weirdness helped him forget, for a few moments, about the constant need to look over his shoulder at all times he carries around now. He sighs, dragging his hands down his face. What a clusterfuck. “I didn’t mean to interrupt, I was just…well. You know. Trying to find a place. Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” Darby replies. There’s no hesitation there. He stares at his boots and draws his tongue across his lip. “You can stay.”

“Okay.”

Hook stays. They sit in almost companionable silence until they can’t put off the return any longer, and then they head back to medical together. Hook wouldn’t call them friends, but he’s pretty sure they at least aren’t enemies any longer.

And at this point, he’ll take any win he can find.

++

“I’ll just be five minutes,” Julia says, and Brody nods. He doesn’t look over again, because he’s always been good about respecting her space and wishes. Julia slips out the door, and heads down into the basement.

There’s nothing down here but the janitor’s closets and the electrical rooms. Any room will serve fine, but she’d rather be comfortable, so she picks out one of the small rooms that houses the larger floor cleaning machines. Someone has put a chair up against the wall—she sits in it, crossing her legs. The threads hum.

She leaves the lights off, so the room is black.

Then she waits.

It doesn’t take long; he’s predictable like that. The air beside her chair shimmers, the air sizzling with the energy he brings, the kind of change that most people are oblivious to.

“Have they found him?” Julia asks.

“No,” Danhausen replies. “Danhausen gave the doctor the coordinates, but they haven’t.”

It’s the answer Julia expected, but didn’t wish to receive. She sighs. “They won’t, then; not there anyway. He won’t stick around an area now crawling with personnel.”

“None of them will.”

Julia taps her fingers against her thighs. She is off-balance; she doesn’t <i>like</i> being off-balance. She has worked very hard to steady her footing, and seeing it slip away is like a punch to the gut. “That’s three, then.”

“Two out of containment, and one…that never was.”

“It wasn’t just us,” she says, quietly. Even in the dark, she fears that someone could be listening in. The walls have ears, after all. “They weren’t just after us.”

Danhausen is silent for awhile. She has pressed on a bruise, a sore spot, and he always needs time to readjust after that. “No,” he finally admits. “They weren’t.”

“This could get dangerous.”

“Isn’t it already?” he shoots back.

“We may not be able to protect them. If it comes down to it, can you do what needs to be done with 049?”

Danhausen doesn’t hesitate this time. “Danhausen will split him open from navel to nose.”

“Good.” Julia nods. “We will need everyone.”

“Can they help?” he asks.

She considers this. There is a different type of strength in the others, one that isn’t threaded as magic in their veins, but it’s strength all the same. “Yes. They may not think they can, but they will.”

A pause. And then: “Julia. How are you?”

Her arm aches. The web remains as a tattoo, left behind and slightly bumpy. In the mornings, her sight is cloudy and she cannot find the right cords. But she says, “Yes.”

“You’re not a very good liar,” he chides.

“Only around you,” she says, and smiles.

#tag so you don't lose this shit #here i am once again writing fanfic of my own fanfic lolol

[pen-observing]

tick tocks of ones and twos.

part of the genshin impact mafia/cop au titled to live between shadow and light. (i highly recommend reading those short headcanons to gain an understanding of it.)

pairing: scaramouche x reader, implied (seperately) baizhu x reader; childe x reader. word count: 1.5k warnings: entirely from scara’s perspective, implies fwb but poetically ya know

Tick.

Scaramouche has already solidified himself as part of this space. And he has no plans to leave.   This back room under the speak easy serves as a great place for his underhanded dealings and vicious personality. He simply sees no reason to act like he is above it all.   Not when he has lived a life full of sorrow and violence; this back room might be sin to others but to him it is aching to salvation. He is saved if he lives his truth, is he not?

Tock.  

This clock that they have decorating the middle of the room (which seems to remind him that time is illusion yet keeps moving forward despite it all) gets on his nerves.   Its too loud.   Its too old.   Its too big.  

One ring.  

Its been here for two and a half years already. The first time he entered this room; it was all he saw. Scaramouche has always been the peculiar sort of knowing the past behind things; people and objects alike. Its unnerving that he does not know who placed this clock here.  

Two rings.

How many people did pass by it? How many more will come?   He doesn’t know. And Scaramouche hates that which is unknown.

Tick.  

And he almost hates you. If it wasn’t for the fact that he compares your presence with this clock.   Where did you come from?   Why are you here?  

Three months ago, instead of walking into this room and rolling his eyes at the sound – his eyes fell on your figure. For some reason you were standing there and it seemed like you were waving at the clock before you sat down on one of the chairs.  

Haunting is the word Scaramouche would use to describe the way he felt as he witnessed you pay respect to a silly object.  

Tock.  

He does not know why you are here or where you came from. But he does know who is the reason, almost a puppeteer behind it all. Baizhu.  

You are here entering such a space because of that serpant. And Scaramouche hates that you do not see the obvious.  

Those two matching rings? They certainly sparkle; but he knows that while the glint of your eyes matches them – Baizhu's remain the same. He knows them. He has been negotiating for all this time while staring into them. To think that there exists a being with eyes more soulless than him.  

One ring.  

He knows that Baizhu is using you. But what he did not expect was for you to actually be beyond capable. It was obvious why Baizhu chose you instead of anyone else to be touched by his web.  

Smart. Charming. Oblivious to the dangers of love. Loyal. And above all – powerful in your own way.  

But, he also knows that this; this thing you have going on with a man so low that even he can’t stand will, well, never last.

Two rings.

How long?  

How long before the serpent coils itself around your whole life? How long before he takes what you so readily give?   And how long will he have to witness it unfold across the table from him?

Should he just get it over with and approach you the next time he comes around and sees you wave at that dumb ass clock again?  

Scaramouche has never been the one to warn people but for you, for reasons unknown, he would make an exception.  

It is rather charming how you sometimes roll your eyes at his remarks. He will admit that. There is hope for you still, if you are already brave enough to do that in front of him – there is hope for you.

Tick.

The night when he expects to enter the room and approach you in front of that dumb clock – you are not there.  

If Scaramouche was like the common man he would say it was a fleeting chance of a hopefull meaning lost. But, all he does is move to his chair.  

The clock seems louder than before.  

Tock.  

He half expected you to enter while holding onto Baizhu’s arm. Perhaps, the two of you would have switched the engagement rings with the actual wedding bands. How romantic would it be really?  

But Baizhu enters alone.  

He enters without any rings on his fingers. And with the same eyes as before.

It looks like time has run out for the two of you.   That – he had been expecting.  

One.

He had never been the patient kind. Scaramouche sees some of his ‘colleagues’ and can admit playing the long game works out for them – but he would rather be impulsive.  

Maybe it’s the way you would wave at the clock, or the way your eyes would sparkle or simply the way you would look towards Baizhu – but Scaramouche has always felt a small innocence to you.   Yes, there are the underground dealings. And yes, you are taking part in them but the bigger question he had was how long could you remain to be oblivious to the inevitable heartbreak.  

And, how were you dealing with it?  

Because of this, he has his underlings find out a few things about you.  

It seems that you’ve broken the apartment Baizhu and you used to share.   And it seems that you’ve found a new place in a less glamorous, but certainly a more fitting neighborhood for you.  

Two.  

For a while, Scaramouche actually leaves you alone. Knowing that you are safe and moving on seems enough for him.  

But, as unexplainable as most of his impulsive decisions, he finds himself in your new neighborhood while finishing an errand.  

Why not visit?   Why not make sure all those things they told him about you being safe were actually true?  

And with that – Scaramouche finds himself in front of your door.   When you open them up, he doesn’t even wait for your response. He simply enters.  

Based on the way you look, you are holding on, somehow. That serpent really did leave his mark.   The shine in your eyes is no more. He does not see any clocks for you to wave at in this apartment. You don’t roll your eyes at him anymore.  

Instead, there is a certain type of longing for a kind of salvation. Could he give it to you?

Yes, yes he could. Scaramouche is sure of that.   He kisses you to prove it and when you kiss him back – Scaramouche knows that invisible strings bind the two of you together.  

No matter what this is or from which impulsivity it came – it’s a connection that you were hoping for.

Tick.  

And from that one night, many others have followed. You find each other in the same way every time. Longing, needy, impulsive and as hopeful fools for salvation.  

Scaramouche has already solidified himself as part of this space. Your space that is.   Why would he dream of trading it in for something else? Gentle hands ouch his cheeks and collarbones?  

Tock.

He is saved if he lives his truth, is he not?

But how can he live his truth here? Yes, the gentleness your hands shape up on his skin seems truthful but Scaramouche always lies after both the gentleness and ecstasy in a specific kind of unnerving unrest.  

This space, when he comes to visit has more and more trinkets every time. Who gifted them to you? Did you find them yourself? Why do they mean so much?  

This red scarf that always stays on the hanger in the corner of the room...bothers him. He has never seen you wear it. He has never taken it off of your neck. Scaramouche has never seen it leave that place either.  

Maybe it holds memories to you? But about who? Who are you keeping it for.  

And these bandages on the nightstand. They are not for you either. They certainly are not here for him. Yet, he sees them change in size. On certain weeks when he comes, they’re brand new. Unpacked. Then, he sees how slowly the packaging itself has more lines and looks more worn.  

But before he can ask about it – the following week you have brand new ones. And it’s a cycle that keeps repeating. And as Scaramouche lies there – grappling with the fact of how close your bodies are while how distant your souls – he is afraid to bring it up.  

Yes, afraid.  

You are keeping them for someone. Someone meaningful. And that person spends as much time in your room as he does. Perhaps more.  

One.  

You have a new clock. He can hear the ticking again. He is, once again, afraid to ask you about it.  

Two.  

This room might be sin to others but you seem like his salvation.  

The first night he kissed you, he truly believed he could be that for you too. It seems, however, that he was wrong. Through the scarf and the clock and the bandages and the trinkets and the way your eyes gradually go back to the previous shine – he knows..

But, he keeps coming back. And he will keep coming back.   This arrangement is still something aching to salvation.

a/n: i have written about this gremlin because of @voidcat​. above u being a scara and dazai enjoyer - you are a friend that i love and cherish. one day ish’allah i shall come there and we can go around petting cats together while holding hands but until then - have this - happy birthday! Thank you for listening to my ideas and for sharing yours. I believe you’ve bettered my life in more ways than one.

#genshin impact #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact x reader #genshin scara #tlbsal #genshin scaramouche #genshin x reader #not twst #not om

[distortingbones]

I posted 7,758 times in 2022

That's 4,205 more posts than 2021!

99 posts created (1%)

7,659 posts reblogged (99%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@m-e-w-666

[not a mutual]

@hanged-man-is-trans

@crit20lesbian

@oddly-okay

I tagged 4,400 of my posts in 2022

Only 43% of my posts had no tags

#ofmd - 792 posts

#mcr - 442 posts

#tma - 343 posts

#sam - 223 posts

#cats - 186 posts

#wwdits - 136 posts

#save - 88 posts

#bats - 72 posts

#ref - 54 posts

#wwdits spoilers - 54 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#me as someone with semi-severe misophonia who wants all environments to be perfectly silent except for noise that i put in there on purpose

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

354 notes - Posted April 25, 2022

#4

my review of wednesday (2022): not gay enough

465 notes - Posted December 1, 2022

#3

can't stop thinking about you could've raised a better girl like. god that's it isn't it. that's what it is to be someone who doesn't realize they may be trans until adulthood, but who has always felt a connection to the "other" gender. 45 years old telling their proverbial mother, you could've raised a girl if only i had understood myself sooner. you could've raised a girl if only i'd had the words for what i felt. you could've raised a girl if only i wasn't forced into maleness from birth. you could've raised a girl if only you'd seen me and listened to me and been the mother that i needed you to be. and i think i would have been better as a girl, and i wonder if maybe i wouldn't have been a disappointment to you if i'd been raised as your daughter instead of your son. and yes, i could have been a better son, but only if i were somebody else. maybe i should have tried harder to be a better son to you but maybe you could have been a better mother to me. maybe i would be a better girl now if you had raised me that way.

510 notes - Posted September 24, 2022

#2

ok so this last episode reminded us that what we do in the shadows is a documentary, and that there's a lot going on behind the scenes that the characters keep to themselves that's not recorded by the documentary crew (like guillermo's embezzling - until he gets caught). we are not going to see anything personal, private, or secret. this is easy to forget because it seems like the vampires have zero filter whatsoever - but remember how well laszlo kept the secret about colin robinson's death and ALSO baby colin last season??

anyway, does anyone else feel like... for part of season 3 and for all of this season, there's been a lot more going on between nandor and guillermo than we see on screen? i think they read less like people who haven't acknowledged their feelings, and more like people who are keeping a very big secret kind of badly from their friends and the documentary crew.

this next part may be a stretch, but: i can imagine that they got together secretly last season, there was a big conflict where nandor was unwilling to be public about what was going on and instead kept putting on big displays of heterosexuality and/or running away, and then the season finale was supposed to be them being open about being together, free from the judgment of laszlo or nadja or the documentary crew. think about "my nan- master," think about the whispered exchanges between them where the crew is filming them secretly, think about their little moment where nandor says he won't bring guillermo's luggage and guillermo goes >:( and nandor goes "lol jk" like he isn't ashamed to be publically caring towards guillermo, and guillermo LIGHTS UP and it's so fucking cute

and then they didn't run away together. and season 4 has read a bit like a post-breakup, where neither will admit that anything even happened in the first place.

598 notes - Posted August 4, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

hey. autistic transmascs. it's okay if your autistic perspective influenced your discomfort with femininity, and that doesn't mean you're any less trans or that you shouldn't transition/should detransition. if transitioning makes you feel happier and more at ease with your body, then it doesn't matter "why" you're trans. womanhood is not inherently sacred and it's ok to not be a woman if you don't feel like one. a feminine body is not inherently superior to a masculine one, so you aren't "ruining" your body by taking masculinizing hormones or undergoing masculinizing surgeries. do what makes you happiest and don't drink the radfem koolaid.

1,068 notes - Posted September 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

[jack5321804]

Week 5: Sketching

Building off from last week and the basics of perspective drawing I felt confident coming into this. The first part of the task to draw thumbnail concepts was quite easy and fun. Creativity can flow and its hard to draw a front on view so badly it can't be recognized. My first sheet wasn't very good at all however which lead to a complete redraw of 12 new thumbnails which I think 2 or 3 could be taken further.

Now onto Part 2. The punishment from not taking the time to learn how to draw curves in perspective catches up with me. I found translating what I thought my bottles should look like into 3D drawings to be quite the challenge. They seemed to always come out looking boxy or just like a regular cylinder. I attempted many times to find a way to make the rounded corners of the bottle look somewhat accurate, getting closer and closer every time. Different methods were implemented, I was determined to take some time to figure it out. Adding some shading here, breaking up the perspective box this way or that way. I found drawing oval shapes in perspective to match up all the lines helped a bit. Still after construction lines where erased the bottle went back to looking like a round cylinder. So then shading was experimented with. I thought if I had the basic shape done then what was missing was some faux shadows. This seemed to help a bit but the complex curves I was trying to draw from an idea built in my brain still proved to fail me. I think I got close to what I was after but to me more still needs to be done.

#unsw #ides1262

[i-want-my-iwtv]

I think the idea that the show wont bring in new readers is a little ridiculous tbh. Like when a new season of the Witcher TV show comes out the books are always on a waitlist at the local library, the same thing happened with Shadow and Bone when Netflix adapted it. I dont think turning up our noses and sneering pretentiously at show fans will encourage them to read the book. It happened to me with Shadow and Bone and I'll be honest, I almost didnt read the books because of it! We really should try to not pass judgement on the impact of the show before it even comes out, prophesizing doom will only cause us to bring that doom on ourselves. (This is directed at the other anon not you, your responses have been lovely ❤)

(This is directed at the other anon not you, your responses have been lovely ❤)

Thank you very much! I'm trying to provide a release valve so that people can feel comfortable sharing their opinions without retaliation, and it's not easy to do, so this means a lot. This is another difficult one to answer, thank you for specifying that your criticisms were not directed at me.

---

BTW, with these anons, I'd like to keep better track of them to be able to refer to specific anons, so if you all could sign off with a few emojis, initials, or numbers, or a combination, then I can have a "name" to reference in these follow-ups!

---

I think the idea that the show wont bring in new readers is a little ridiculous tbh.

Possibly a little bit ridiculous, but I think it's a fair prophecy, to use your word, made by someone who, to my reading, seems disappointed more than arrogant. Maybe there’s always a vein of arrogance embedded in feelings of disappointment.

I hope it's alright that I share my perspective on that anon of 2022.06.30, who said: "in my estimation i don’t think [the TV series adaptation] will be a gateway [to the books]. the world is going to shit and people read less and less everyday. i don’t know a single person among my friends or family that bothers to read books of any kind."

^The feeling that I get from that is disappointment that the new series won't draw more people to read the books because the anon doesn't think people read anymore in general; I didn't interpret that as the anon turning up their nose and sneering pretentiously at show fans. It read more as genuine disappointment to me. I felt sorry for the anon.

TL;DR: I think the 2022.06.30 Anon was lowering their expectations so as not to be even more disappointed when the TV series airs, and we don't see a big influx of fans of the books.

And, @nicolodigenova commented on that post in a way that seems to me that they also picked up on the anon's disappointment, I think, by reassuring the anon that people do read!:

We really should try to not pass judgement on the impact of the show before it even comes out, prophesizing doom will only cause us to bring that doom on ourselves.

Well, you're right in the sense that passing judgment, especially on incoming fans, is another thing that ignites fandom wars, and can turn people away entirely.

On the other hand, considering/judging the impact of the TV series is clearly on people's minds, and it's not something we can just stop thinking about. Just because we might agree not to talk about it, we’re still thinking about it! Will the TV series draw in interest in the books, and therefore bring more content creators/intellectual engagement into the fandom? I'm curious to find out, too. By saying that the TV series fans won't read the books, maybe (I'm only speculating here) 2022.06.30 anon and others could be worried that the fandom will die out if people abandon the books. That's a real concern to have, but I don't think people will abandon a 40+ year fandom based on the books because of one adaptation.

Like when a new season of the Witcher TV show comes out the books are always on a waitlist at the local library, the same thing happened with Shadow and Bone when Netflix adapted it... It happened to me with Shadow and Bone and I'll be honest, I almost didnt read the books because of it!

I'm not familiar with the books from those 2 series, sorry. It makes sense that people would want to read the books they're based on, to find out more, quickly! Similarly with Game of Thrones which I think was still being written during the series' airdates, and the Walking Dead was based on a series of graphic novels, most of which I think had been published when the series aired. I went to the library and stores to check out TWD books a number of times, I was drawn to the source material to find out how certain scenes were depicted as illustrations rather than live action, what plot point might be happening next, or to see what changes the TV series had made, which characters had been entirely invented for the TV series, which had more character development in the canon, etc.

I'm asking as politely as I can, I don't mean any offense at all: If you feel comfortable, can you share a bit more about how you were discouraged from reading the Shadow and Bone books? Perhaps that would help us not repeat the same thing, and be more inviting of the potentially incoming TV series fans.

Maybe it's because I grew up in a time before social media 2.0, so when I wanted to read something back then, or now, it's always been a personal experience, I don't look for anyone's approval. In fact, I love the Good Omens TV series, and if I saw a post, "Ugh, the GO TV series fans don't read anymore, they have no attention span, they'll never read the book, they're awful stupid people." I'd just scroll past that comment, and go find a copy of the book. There's a spectrum of responses on every media you could be interested in, there'll always be snobs/elitists, but I didn't read the 2022.06.30 anon as being that, specifically.

I think the 2022.06.30 Anon was lowering their expectations so as not to be even more disappointed when the TV series airs, and we don't see a big influx of fans of the books.

#iwtv amc #ask #anon #thank you! #this is a tough one too #nicolodigenova #vampire chronicles #long post

[screechthemighty]

Chapter two next! It's literally just chapters two and three of the other one combined into one since those bits were so short! Next chapter will be a little sad! Sorry about that!

moments until the crash | a tristamp fanfic part two: vash (childhood)

{ meryl's perspective } { wolfwood's perspective }

Vash was always adamant he had memories from his short infancy; they were just very difficult to describe. They were all emotions, swirls of colors and vague shapes, and most of all sounds. He remembered them as songs, in a way, symphonies of heartbeats and voices and the song that had been living inside him for as long as he could remember.

It was that song, or something like it, that woke him up that day. It ended quickly, replaced by the staccato beat of a heart. It wasn’t the familiar butterfly wings of Nai’s heart, or the steady beat of Rem’s. It was something new. You didn’t get many new things on Ship Five.

He reached out towards the sound. It wasn’t long before he saw a face he didn’t know, felt that heartbeat as a pulse as he grasped one finger. The new person’s voice was soft, kind. She spoke as if she knew him. Vash was curious. He wanted to know more, but the figure pulled away before he could try, disappearing with the sound of the closet door.

He might have been more upset by this, but another door opened. He heard a heartbeat and a singsong voice. He called out to those sounds, knowing that she’d be there to hold him close soon, but wanting soon to be now. Even a few seconds felt too long when he was so young. Fortunately, Rem knew what he meant. She didn’t hesitate to scoop him up, hold him in her arms. Vash all but forgot the strange new thing that had come and gone so quickly, focusing on this familiar, well-loved song.

Rem was there, and everything was perfect.

.

Not long after his memories started solidifying, Vash sat up in bed.

The room was dark. It didn’t take long for his eyes to adjust, but when they did, he didn’t see anything wrong. Nai was still asleep, so maybe he’d just imagined it. Or maybe it was just a dream. He’d almost convinced himself of that, until his closet door opened.

“Where the fuck is my gun…?” something growled.

The thing that stepped out was human-shaped, arms and legs and a head where they should be. In the room’s low light, though, it looked more shadow than person. Vash didn’t know that voice. None of the small crew had any reason to be in his closet.

So who is that?

The figure’s big, big eyes, too big for his face, locked onto Vash’s.

“... easy …”

“ NAI! ” Vash screamed instinctively. There was a monster in the room. They needed to run. He couldn’t just let his brother sleep when they were in danger. “ REM! ” She could save them, if she could just hear him… “ NAI! ”

Nai sat up even faster than Vash had. The figure kept staring, only moving when Nai grabbed a toy spaceship from the bedside table. That was when it ran, bolting for the door. Nai’s throw missed, hitting the doorframe instead with a heavy thud , but it made the figure go away. That was all Vash cared about.

Who was that? Who was…

Nai scrambled into Vash’s bed; they clung to each other instinctively, hearts racing in rhythm with each other. Vash kept his eyes fixed on the door, while Nai buried his face in Vash’s shoulder. “Who was that?” Vash said. “You saw him too, right? You saw him?”

“I saw.” Nai’s grip hurt a little, but Vash was just happy someone was there. “I saw. He…”

The door opened again. Rem was there; Vash started crying out of sheer relief. “Oh, no, what’s wrong?!” She was at their sides in a heartbeat, holding them close. “It’s okay…”

“There was a man in the closet.”

“A what?”

Someone groaned. There were two more people in the hallway: Captain Joseph and Steve. “Seriously? Kid has a nightmare and we…”

“ Steve, ” Rem said sternly.

“It wasn’t a nightmare!” Vash insisted. “We both saw him! I swear! Nai, tell them!”

Nai didn’t say anything; just lifted his head enough to glare at Steve. Captain Joseph interrupted: “Come on. Can’t hurt to take a look.”

“Joey, c’mon - !”

The door shut, shutting off Steve’s protests. Rem kept holding them. “Don’t mind him. They’ll take a look, okay? I’m sure it was someone trying to pull a prank.”

She was probably right. No, she was definitely right. Rem always was. That didn’t make Vash feel better this time. “Not a funny prank,” he said as he sank into her arms. His heart slowed to match hers, Nai’s following. “Thank you.”

“I said I’d protect you two, didn’t I?” She kissed the tops of their heads. “You two go back to sleep. Let us grown-ups handle this.”

“Will you stay with us?”

“Of course.”

“All night? Promise?”

“I promise.”

Rem kept her promise, taking over Nai’s bed when he refused to leave Vash’s side. No one was able to figure out who or what the twins had seen–neither Rowan nor Mary would own up to trying to prank the two of them, and no one was unaccounted for from cold sleep. Vash started to wonder if maybe it had been a dream. He and Nai had shared dreams before. Maybe that was all it was.

Nai came to a completely different explanation.

“The ship’s haunted,” he said.

Vash looked up from his book. Nai was holding the fin of his spaceship in place as the glue dried. The ship had really been thrown, and really did need to be fixed, but Vash still wasn’t sure about the rest of it. He really wasn’t sure about Nai’s explanation. “It is not .”

“There was an unusual energy reading somewhere on the ship. I heard the Captain say so.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s ghosts. Ghosts aren’t real.”

“How do you know?” Nai’s eyes fixed onto Vash’s. “It wasn’t a dream.”

He sounded so sure. “Okay.”

“And it wasn’t anyone from the crew.”

“Yeah…”

“So it must’ve been a ghost.”

Vash didn’t want to believe that. But they were both about five. To their minds, the logic was there.

He started making Rem check the closet before bed after that.

#fic: moments until the crash #trigun #tristamp

[icanneversaygoodbye]

mar 10, 2023

5:16pm. yesterday, i realised how lonely and empty my life had been, despite how positively and gratefully i try to live now. i thought a lot abt death, like i sometimes do. reading rc sproul’s “surprised by suffering” at dinnertime really brought me out of a dark place, and so did praying at the dinner table. i realised that life truly is short, and that i want to share Jesus’ love while i am here. that is how i want to be remembered when i die.i do not want to be forgotten. i want to be a beacon of light in people’s lives. i truly do not know when my appointed time is. but i know that remembering the ever-presence of death need not be a dark, heavy burden. it can be light, if we know we have christ, for death is a divine vocation, a divine appointment, part of god’s plan, that the messag eof scripture is not partial victory but full final and ultimate victory, etc i was so touched by the image of God shepherding me through the valley of the shadow of death, and into whatever waits on the other side. along with some job anxieities (refer to my journal), and i realised that i must really make the most of my time here on this earth. i need to make the most of every day. bc i really want to live with Steph and have our own family.

after that first shroom trip, i had so much clarity. after the second, i was so confused, but felt like that, too, was a blessing. it gave me a lot of clarity too. it made me realise how much i was getting in my own way, how complicated i made things, that “nothing is ever that complicated.” but it’s easy to say that when you have felt yourself drowning in the primordial soup of consciousness.

okay, so i really want to stop tripping. like the first two trips were lifechanging/perspective changing, and i had three mini trips that were also great (the jiae trip, the snow trip, and the sunday trip).

i need to stop relying on drugs. i can’t afford to escape this much. i want to shroom trip maybe two or three times a year. the rest, i must rely on god. my hunger for shroom trips is almost completely gone. i also feel like it lost its magic for me, bc of how much i’ve used it. and i want to rely more on god every day. i honestly feel like i can not shroom trip for the rest of my life and be okay. they’re too powerful. i didn’t respect them enough, but now i do, i think. your mind can only take so many profound, life-changing trips. the time to stop for the year was after the first or second trip.

i will figure out how much to order from shroomyz on monday. my plan is to buy 28g of shrooms from shroomyz. that is enough for ten moderate/high doses of 2.8g, or five heroic doses). if i want to trip 2-3 times a year, that should be enough to last me three years, about. 

as for lsd, my plan is to buy 50 blotters of lsd-25 from https://www.psychedelia.io/. honestly, 1p-lsd doesn’t feel as life changing as shrooms does. i took 1 tab earlier, and it didn’t feel like a mind/thought accelerator like my first half tab trip with Eric did, tho that was real lsd. instead, i will summarise it like this:

- mild euphoria

- very stimulating, like drinking four cups of coffee, and combined with the euphoria, i felt very confident

- very pleasant body-feel where stretching felt really good

my thoughts did not seem as profound, or perhaps that is bc i am psychologically acclimatised to this plateau of profound thought brought on by psychedelics. but i can live without lsd, too. it really doesn’t feel as magical as that trip with eric. it feels good, too, but it’s fine.

A good trip is worth 10 therapy sessions. So ten trips is equal to 100 therapy sessions. 28g of shrooms for $500 comes out to the equivalent of 100 $5 therapy sessions. Acid is about half the value to me as shrooms at this point. i just need to learn how to store this shit correctly.

[bratz-kitten]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS PT. 7

gemini and pisces placements are similar in the sense that geminis are able to see things from all perspectives, while pisces are able to empathise with people who have all sorts of different perspectives. pisces placements... be careful with over-empathising with the people who hurt you to the point where you’re understanding why they did it and you start excusing their actions. gemini placements... be careful with seeking the multi-layers and million different perspectives in everything and everyone to the point where you’re driving your own mind insane and you don’t know what your opinion is anymore because you hyper-analyse so much. too much of a good ability becomes a curse.

people with venus-mars aspects have a talent for making people who hate them fall in love with them 💋

moon in the 11th house natives tend to attract friends who get into scandals. moon in the 10th house natives tend to be the ones who get into said scandals. it’s a PERFECT FRIENDSHIP

capricorn placements have a talent for knowing how to make things last. they want to prolong the enjoyment they get out of something for as long as possible, which is why their hobbies, friendships and relationships tend to last a lifetime... hedonistic sluts

since both the 7th house and the 11th house rule fandoms, celebrities with a 7th house or 11th house neptune can attract fans who view them as angels who can’t do nothing wrong — because of this, those celebrities rarely take accountability for their mistakes, since people keep pushing the “but they’re perfect :(“ light on them

pluto conjunct ascendant natives always come off as very serious during first impressions, no matter how approachable and inviting they strive to appear.

sun and moon in the 10th house people may feel as if they’re always exposed to the public eye, they can’t get away with keeping things secretive. others always notice whatever they want kept on the low. this can be especially frustrating if they notice that others aren’t exposed to the same kind of scrutiny that they are for simply existing

lilith in pisces bitches have a natural talent for appearing like angels even in situations where they are 100% guilty. it’s very easy for them to put on their vulnerable, lost puppy act lmfao, which triggers others’ protective instincts. they may be able to cry on cue when people call them out on their bullshit, making them feel like THEY’re the shitty ones for confronting the lilith native... it’s insane

lilith in the 12th house natives may feel as though the themes of lilith are trapped in their psyche, at the core of who they are and those themes become unavoidable for them — they’re always there, lurking in the shadows, becoming the center of their nightmares

people with mercury in the 1st house can feel veryyy threatened and defensive when someone possesses knowledge in an area that they don’t, it’s like it hits them right on their biggest fears. they often either try to “one-up” the other person in an attempt to heal their broken ego or shut down altogether in insecurity. it’s imperative that they work on developing a strong sense of self-worth because they can be extremely prone to comparing their mental skills to those of other people.

people with personal planets in the 12th house may feel as though a lot of their artistic drive is stifled by their lack of energy. like... in the mental realm there’s a lot going on and it’s incredible, but then you pick up a pen to actualize your visions and you feel exhaustion immediately overtaking you. it can feel like there’s a lot to your psyche that feels inaccessible to you not because you don’t want to explore it, but because you have yet to restore the energy to dive deep into it. this can be especially noticeable if there’s absolutely no 5th house energy in the chart

people with jupiter in an earth sign love being surrounded by greeneries in their home; they may take a lot of enjoyment out of taking care of plants, gardening, cooking and stuff of the sort. it makes them feel more grounded, independent, and even healed. they also LOVE scents that connect them to nature like the scent of grass and the ocean.

air mercuries can be very beware of strangers, they can feel offended when their friends make them socialize with someone they don’t know and it can take a hot while before they trust the person enough to lower their defences a bit. they need to know it’s safe before expressing their usual sexy eccentric selves in front of someone new. on the other hand, aries placements can also hate being introduced to new people through their friends but it’s mostly because they’re very territorial over them, and can’t stand the thought that this new person can hurt their friendship in any possible way

meanwhile, it’s probably an earth or leo/sagittarius mercury introducing new friends to the group. they’re so fucking good with people and it shows in how they make people feel welcomed so easily, it’s like they “take” the person in and adopt them into the group. they can’t stand seeing someone being treated like an outcast because they know how it sucks to feel rejected, so they’ll try their best to make you feel included

while on the subject of people who hate seeing others be treated like an outcast because they know how it feels like to be rejected: SCORPIO RISINGS. bro. people underestimate how chill they can actually be. if they see you being left out, they’ll approach you with no fucks given and do anything in their power to make you feel comfortable. they do so well in group settings.

and while on the subject of scorpio risings... i have a scorpio rising friend and he goes thru it on the daily. he often complains that people are always suspicious of him and that they seem repulsed by him, strangers on the street will stay tf away from him. and it’s so heartbreaking because his personality is so friendly and welcoming and it doesn’t at all match his intimidating appearance. scorpio risings have this energy that not many people can handle, others feel either really drawn to them or downright scared of them because of the “danger” element they seem to carry in them

i know two people who are both scorpio suns and libra moons and they look the exact same, even though they have different risings. brown, deep-set eyes, coarse dark hair, naturally tanner skin tone — and they have the same style as well, using lots of band t-shirts and dark clothing. scorpio energy is always so noticeable wherever it is i swear, it’s like it takes over the rest of the chart

gemini moons are what yall claim gemini venuses to be. like, seriously... have you ever met someone with a gemini venus? they don’t need constant stimulation or else they’ll get bored and cheat. not in the slightest; actually, they’re often incredibly loyal and crave longterm, committed relationships. if anything, they need stimulation outside of their relationship in the form of a good, exciting career and hobbies so that they don’t get too addicted to their partner and to constantly analysing every aspect of their relationship. gemini moons however, tend to have multiple partners throughout life and they often feat deep commitment. they can be huge players imo, IT’S THEM YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT!

sagittarius placements are so... tactile? like, they love to touch things. when they go to stores and stuff, they’ll start holding everything that catches their attention— it’s like they can only decide if they want to buy something after thouroughly exploring how it feels, the texture and the energy that the object gives them through touch. and they talk so much with their hands. it makes me so anxious like bitch you aren’t selena gomez, i promise you that you CAN keep your hands to yourself

taurus placements are so weird to me, i can’t understand them. it’s like they’re afraid of exploring their own depths, which in turn makes me unable to explore them. okay, how do i put this... it’s like they have this preset idea of who they are and after deciding so, they’re unwilling to let go of it. “i’m the stable friend who’s here for everyone even when i can barely take care of my own self” and then that’s who they are: the people who are a steady rock in the lives of others, taking care of everyone. and then they refuse to change even after getting hurt. and then, it’s like... well, you can’t just be that. you are a human who contains multitudes, but i don’t think you give yourself enough credit on how layered you are. that fear of changeability, that need to be the one stable thing in a world full of unpredictability will only damage you in the end, because you won’t get to fully experience life’s greatest pleasure: knowing yourself. becoming your own best friend, exploring every layer that there is to your being. i think you deny yourself of that experience because you fear that, with self-learning comes self-growth which leads to transformation. and you fear transformation because you don’t want to change for the worst. but like... transformation is necessary and with that comes adaptability + flexibility, which are things you could greatly benefit from.

scorpio venuses can be so pessimistic— and when they’re in a dark mindset, it’s so difficult to pull them out of it. it’s so difficult to get them to see the good in difficult situations, and to help them believe that it gets better. but even if you don’t believe me, i’ll keep telling you; it does get better. you’ll get through this.

jupiter in the 4th house is an indicator of food having been an amazing part of your childhood; there might’ve been a lot of feasts and you could’ve had a parent who loved to cook. being well fed might be a huge concern for you now; you might get sick easily when you’re eating fast food and non-traditional plates.

mercury square uranus is an extremely difficult aspect to have because, in your earlier years, you might’ve felt dumb or like there was something wrong with your intelligence because you might’ve found school difficult due to it’s structured nature that didn’t fit with the way you like to learn things— you need to learn in an interactive way that piques your interest. your anxiety and any traumatic experienced that you faced could’ve heavily impacted your school performance. you might’ve had an ease with learning but then, when it came to doing the written tests, you couldn’t perform to the best of your abilities. either way, school might’ve been a source of a lot of stress and difficulty.

mercury square pluto can have some weird manifestation where, like... you suspect things but you always suspect the wrong things. i’ve met a few people with this aspect and all of them were extremely suspicious of the most random things who were literally normal and innocent. this aspect can cause a lot of chaos to one’s interpersonal relationships because you might find yourself suspecting your loved ones in the weirdest circumstances due to your trust issues, which in return causes them to lose trust in you + the want to confide in you because you keep questioning everything they’re up to WHEN THEY’RE NOT UP TO ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE. probably the most frustrating thing that can happen with this aspect is when you always suspect what you shouldn’t, but then, when sketchy things are actually happening that should be questioned, you don’t bat an eye to it. omfg it drives me insane

moon conjunct the ascendant can make someone have a very delicate appearance that gives others the impression that they need to handle you like fine china or else you might break. my mother has this at a very tight orb and whenever i bring people over, their first impression of her is always “she looks so frail”. the native might be extremely sensitive to every minor inconvenience which brings a lot of frustration to them, a feeling that they can’t control their reactions and inner turmoil. it can also suck when you don’t want to be depicted as the victim but then that’s the way everyone perceives you. the native might have very expressive and shiny eyes, and they can cry easily. it’s very difficult for them to hide their emotions.

your jupiter sign can signify where you feel an overflow of energy. jupiter in cancer may feel like you have an overflow of nurturing and protective energy towards your loved ones, with a lot of intuition and need for introspection. jupiter in leo can make you feel like you a talent for self-expression and dealing with others, being overly dramatic and prideful at times, and with a huge drive to have fun. jupiter in virgo can feel an overflow of perceptive qualities, with a huge amount of self-awareness and also awareness of your surroundings, ability to constantly analyse and a constant strive for perfection (which btw is impossible since perfection is unattainable and you’re a human being who makes mistakes and that’s completely fine. stop finding flaws where there aren’t none).

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