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checkingoutforheroes · 3 years

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Hero.

Pairing: Natasha x Fem!reader , Avengers x Platonic!reader

Words: 2364

Genre: Angst at first, Fluff ending.

Warning: Being dumped. I think I’m not cursing in this one. Lmk if there are any.

Note: Read as Natasha pov

Flashback...

Y/n and I are fighting. Wait. No, not fighting. More like screaming, at each other. For the first time in a long time. This is not a funny or jokingly screaming. This is a serious scream. Why?

“Are you sure about this, Natasha?” Y/n turn around to look at me with her red teary eyes.

“Yes, and I have to leave before you love me.”

“Well, I already fell for you, Natasha! Can you not see it?! Deny it how you want but you do feel the same. Trust me, I know!”

“I’m sorry that you did. I don’t want to mess or hurt you any further. ”

She looks down for a moment before looking back at me, wiping her tears. “I don’t want your apology.” She sniff and force a smile while I just looking at her. “You have never hurt me, Natasha. Ever.”

I move closer to hold her hand “Y/n...”

She tilt her head to look at me one last time “Goodbye, Natasha Romanoff.” And just like that. She walked out of the compound. She’s right. I do too have feeling for her but this is what the best for her and her own safety, or we’re just not destine together. Or, that’s what I thought.

Present...

The team and I are having breakfast like we’re usually did every other morning and of course Wanda have to ask about her other friend. “It has been almost two months I think since Y/n is here.” I just look down on my plate.

Tony interrupt “Yeah, where is she? I miss her coffee. She made the best coffee ever! Not gonna lie.” Clint kind of sense that we have something going on. “You can buy the whole Starbucks store Stark. Get over it.”

“Get over it?” Steve looks at Clint and Wanda ask again “Something happened?” Tony interrupt again “Yeah, there must be something. Y/n is always here. Except when she have field trips or camping with her students. We like her here, she’s happy when she’s here.” Steve try to stop him but God knows even Pepper can’t stop him. “Tony. Stark.” Tony continue “That doesn’t seem weird to you?”

I finally speak. “What Stark? Huh? I am asking the same question too! Where is she? I wish I have the answers for you guy. I’m sorry but I don’t!” They all been quiet for a minute until Tony open his mouth again. “Jeez. Did you guys broke up?” I look at him “Broke up? We’ve never together.”

Steve smiles “I maybe old school but I don’t think I’m that fool.” Clint turns to talk while Wanda drinks her coffee. “You guys been doing all those things. Even blind people can see it.” “What things?” I ask and Steve answer “All the things that lovers do.” “Want me to specify it for you?” Tony ask and Wanda told him to stop. “I think she understand, Stark. Let her speak. Or not. It’s her choice. She’ll tell us when she’s ready or want to.” I’ll excuse myself “ Thank you, Wanda.”

Few hours later, I go to the kitchen and Wanda is there. Making lunch for everyone. “Oh, hi Nat.” I grab a glass and pour water in it “Making lunch for everyone?” Wanda chuckle while stirring whatever in that pot “Someone has to.” “Yeah.” I sip my water and just stare at my glass for a couple of minutes. Wanda breaks the silence. “Okay, I know I said that you will tell us what happened between you and Y/n when you’re ready or want but, I can’t take it. You’re killing me.” I look at her “I don’t think you know-“ She cuts me before I finish “Yeah I know that you know I don’t know what you don’t want me to know but your thoughts are too loud. You are battling with yourself. There’s war inside your head. I can’t fully control my power and I don’t mean to invade your privacy. So, can you help a sister?” I just stare at her, she turns off the stove and sit next to me. “If you don’t want to tell the boys, you can talk to me.”

My eyes still glued to my half empty glass “It was my fault. She walked away the last time we had a movie night together. I, we had a fight after that. Your best friend walked away and it is my fault.” I turn my head to face her, didn’t even notice I that I’m crying until a few drops fell down on my lap. “I’m sorry.” Wanda stay silent and I go on “You guys thought that we were an item but we aren’t. Well she wants to but I didn’t.”

“You’re scared.” Wanda said.

I nod. “Yes.”

“Of love?” she asks.

“Of losing her.” I said. “So I ran away. I make her cry. She’s being expose. Every time we go out either with me or any of you, she’s expose to danger and threats. I don’t have a clean past, Wanda. Someday, my past will corrupt me. Besides, our line of job makes me worrier. Enemies everywhere, they can take and harm her anytime.”

“Does she know?” Wanda asks.

Shaking my head. “No. I didn’t say much that night. I said that I’m sorry, but she doesn’t want my apologized.”

“You’re a jerk! No offence.”

“I deserved it.”

“Of course she doesn’t want your apology. She wants answer and you didn’t give her a damn reason to leave or stay. She’s upset. Trust me, that girl is willing to die for you, Nat!” I look at Wanda, she never raises her voice at anyone, except Sam, Tony and her late brother, Pietro. She continues. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you but she’s my best friend and you’re too, and my mentor so, I have to be the one to knock some sense to you.”

“What do you want me to do?” I asked.

“Stop being scare and push people out. I mean it’s almost two months and you just keep it to yourself. You are not alone, Nat. You can talk to me or us.”

I smile a little. “You already know did you?” “That’s why I asked you about her this morning. I’m sorry, I should have just talk to you personally.” Wanda said and brush her off. “You didn’t know the whole story. It’s okay, the boys are her friends too. Tony’s right. Her coffee is the best.” I look at Wanda and smile. “And your food is the best.” Wanda smiles big “Now, that’s the spirit! Don’t worry Agent Romanoff, we are going to get you your person back. Now, save your tears and let’s have lunch.” I nod. “I’ll get the plate.” Wanda nod and stand from her stool “And I’ll get the boys.” She moves two steps forward and yell “BOYS! LUNCH TIME….!!!!” I look at her weirdly “What? They know their ways.”

I park right in front of Y/n work place. She a kindergarten teacher. Wanda look at the kids outside and smiling really big. Turns out they are having Fun-Day today. “How do you know she’s here? What if she quit the job and move to another country?”

“Wanda, she’s your best friend. You should know her better. She loves those kids to quit her job. Plus, I tracked her phone. She’s here. Look.” I show her the tracking apps.

“You knew her whereabouts THIS WHOLE TIME?!! And do nothing?”

“Of course I know. I love her. Should I buy her flowers?” I changed topic.

“No.”

“Chocolate?”

“No.”

“Teddy bears or animal stuff?”

“No. No. And no. You know she’s not that kind of girl. Just present yourself, it already means the world to her. She’s your crush. You should know her better.” Wanda smirking. There she is! School over. Go! I’ll wait here.”

When most of the kid already out of the school, I approach her at the gate where she’s busy waving at her students. When I’m about to say hi, some kids notice me behind Y/n and call their other friend. Y/n turn around to see where her students running to and sees me.

“Jake, Caleb, where are you guys going? Your parents waiting over there. Katy, Mila, where are you-“ She stops and just standing there. I know she wants to run but she can’t leave her students unsupervised. Let alone with an Avenger.

I look straight at her eyes and smiles a little. “Hi. Y/n.” “Hi.” That’s all we’re manage to say because we’re busy gazing at each other until the students pulling my legs and hands.

“You are an Avenger!”

“Yeah! The Black Widow!” “Can I have a picture with you?”

“I’m your fan!” “Me too!”

“You, might want to say hi to your little fans.” Y/n said and I look down. “Wow, that’s a lot of them. Hi little person. Okay, they have a lot of questions too! No, I’m not here to kill somebody. No, not killing an alien too. Yes, I ate vegetables. No, I’m not kidnapping your headmaster. What’s up you guys with murdering and kidnapping?” I turn to see Wanda and luckily she sees you. “Wanda. I could really use your help right now!”

Y/n see the situation is getting heated, she helping me out a little. “Okay calm down guys. Ms. Romanoff will answer your questions one by one.” Right on time, Wanda’s arrive. “Did I see Agent Romanoff being attack? By children.” Y/n looks up at her. “Wanda?” Wanda smiles “Yes and I’m here to save my best friend relationship and my mentor’s butt from children attack.” Wanda looks at the children “Hiiiii.... Good evening children of kindergarten!”

“Scarlet Witch!” “Look, it’s Wanda Maximoff!” “You’re so cool!” “You can fly!”

“That was fast.” Y/n said looking at Wanda entertaining the children and catch their attention so I can talk to Y/n. “Yeah, she has ways with children.” “I know. I’m her best friend.” Ouch that’s cold.

I talk to her. Hopefully she’ll listen. “I want to talk with you.”

“You’re talking. Actually, my work time has ended 10 minutes ago but if you wanna talk about donation or social safety talk about this school, you can come again tomorrow morning. I’ll let the headmaster know about your approach.”

“I’m not here for any of that.” I said.

“You’re to join our today activity then? Fun-Day, students, teachers and parents doing some fun activities together once a year. You’re kinda late for that you know.”

“Am I too late to say sorry?” I said and Y/n just quiet. “I made a mistake. I really am sorry.”

“I told you, I don’t want your apologies. And you made it crystal clear that we don’t have anything to do with each other.”

“Give me a minute to explain. Please.” I move closer to her but she move a step back. “Y/n, please. Just a minute. I promise.” Y/n look at me; her eyes are about to drop tears. She’s looking at her watch and counting “60, 59, 58….”

“You are right. I do have a feeling for you Y/n. I’m a coward. I’m scared that one day I’m gonna lose you. My job and my past put you in so much risk. A risk that I’m so scare to put you in. You know the world can see us, in a way that’s different than who we are. Wanda knock some sense to me and for once I listened and I really regret of what am I doing.”

“You creating space between us. You know that our hearts feel the same but you separated it.” Y/n said looking anywhere but me.

I step beside her. “I want you to be safe Y/n. I want to protect and won’t let anyone hurt you. But those will not happen if you are with me, you understand what I mean. You deserve someone’s better. I don’t deserve you. I don’t –“

My word was cuts by Y/n “That’s the problem! You don’t think you deserve something so you ruin it. You think you don’t deserve to feel happy?! You think I don’t?! You think you’re fine to let go of something that you really want in your dear life?! Well, I don’t. I don’t think you deserve all that, Natasha. I think you deserve all the joy, all the happiness in your life. Yes, you have a broken past but, you should not have a broken future too, Natasha." Her tears dropping heavily now.

I take her hand; her face softens while looking at me. “Let me redeem my mistake. I’ve learn my mistake and regret it with the rest of my life is you didn’t let me. I want us back together. I’m sorry I didn’t say this sooner. I love you. You are the best miracle that ever happened to me.”

“What’s make you so sure I want us to back again?” She asks. Her face shows that she wants it too but afraid that I let her go again.

“I’m not Iron Man, I’m not a God, I can’t take your hand and fly you wherever you want to go. I can’t read your mind like Wanda and tell you everything you wanna hear but I’ll be your hero. I can be everything you need and if you are the one for me, like gravity, I’m unstoppable. Now I believe in destiny, I maybe just an ordinary human without her soul but if you’re the one for me, I’ll be your hero. Like the one you tell Wanda.”

Y/n let out a soft laugh “Could you be the one?” I laugh with her “Yeah, I’ll be your hero. When it’s meant to be, I’ll be one. So, I’ll wait for you. Whenever you want, whenever you’re ready.” Her left hand cupping my cheek and her right hand hold my hand. “Your world is my world. Your fight is my fight. You make me happy. I know where I’ll be Natasha Romanoff.”

“The last time you call me by my full name, I was in trouble.” I wrap my arm around her.

“You will always be in trouble. You already commit to it, Agent Romanoff.”

“I won’t waste it. I promise. I love you Y/F/N Y/L/N. Or Y/F/N Romanoff. I guess that sounds better right?”

“Shut up and kiss me.”

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lambourngb · 3 years

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day 1 who do you think you are - character recs

Creator’s Week 2021 for @roswellnewmexicocreate - Day 1 : Character Recs

This is my favorite fandom event, and my third year doing it. The last year was really difficult, and fanfic more than ever was my escape from it. Shout out to all the writers, commenters, and lurkers who kept fandom going during it.

Rosa Ortecho:

heal it or break it all apart by @adiwriting : (7,600) All Rosa’s ever done is break things. Her entire life she’s destroyed everything she’s ever touched. So it’s really no surprise when she comes back that her powers do the same. Alternatively- 4 times somebody tries to get Rosa to seek help with her powers and one time she decides to help herself. GEN

why i like it: I pretty much love whatever Britt writes, but in the light of how season 3 is going, I found myself returning to this fic more than a few times. She really captures the fierce but vulnerable Rosa in this beautifully.

Kyle Valenti:

at every occasion i’ll be ready for a funeral by @bydayornight (1,330) Kyle goes on a vacation after the events of 3x04 and meets an unlikely beach companion. GEN

why i like it: Christine has become one of my new favorite writers, and has been a season 3 coda writing machine. Here is where we all would like Kyle to be - lounging on a beach without a care in the world (with that RNM twist! lol) She also does a brilliant job with the Kyle and Michael vibes here.

Maria Deluca:

Butter(bar)flies by @andrea-lyn (4,447) When all of Maria’s people fly away for new opportunities, she needs to find new ones. The lost decade and what should have been. MILUCA

why i like it: Manda has written some of my favorite stories, and even has dragged me into Ted Lasso, but this little lost decade AU is one of my favorites. She captures the flirty vibe of season 1 Michael/Maria, and inserts it into a time when it really makes sense to me for that a friends-with-benefits-relationship should have begun, to give weight to a choice for Michael. Maria is wonderfully characterized here, and it really makes it clear how a real love triangle should have been structured.

Liz Ortecho:

heart of lightning (a roswellian tale) by @bitch-ass-aliens (20,095) When Ser Elizabeth Ortecho of the Roswellian Court is sent by Queen Isobel to retrieve the heart of the missing King Maxwell from a fearsome lightning dragon guarding it, she knows success could bring her one step closer to completing a quest of her own. Ten years ago, a mage named Ophiuchus curse her sister with eternal slumber, and Liz has been searching for him ever since. Saving the king could be the key to learning Ophiuchus's true identity and saving Rosa. But the dragon is not what it appears to be. Soon Liz finds herself needing to guard her heart from feelings forgotten long ago as she and her friends journey back to Roswell, King Max by their side, with more than just the fate of Rosa hanging in the balance. For Ophiuchus's plans are bigger and more dangerous than any of them realize. ECHO

why i like it: This was part of the RNM Big Bang last year and as a fellow participant, I did my best to read and feedback the other submissions, which meant reading something that wasn’t Malex 😂🤯 - suz made it easy, writing a beautifully detailed medieval AU that retold the story of Rosa, Noah, and Max’s S1 sacrifice, through the amazing POV of Ser Liz. This story had everything I love about Liz- her devotion to her family, her bravery in doing hard things, and her love for Max.

Max Evans:

highway to the sun by @angsty-nerd (22,236) Noah’s heart is failing, and Max is on the verge of death. His final wish is to see Liz one last time, so he and Michael road trip to Los Angeles so that Max can say his goodbyes. ECHO

why i like it: Another part of the 2020 RNM Big Bang - Instead of a focus on Liz in this Echo story, we’re deep in the psyche of Max Evans, who is trying to tie up loose ends before he dies. I love the atmosphere of the road trip, the sadness of the clock that Max is trying to run out, and the whole Michael/Max brotherly bond in this story. It’s got all the sweet elements of some of my favorite romantic dramas - like “Beaches” or “Dying Young”, but mixed with the sci fi of RNM. Even though it was written pre-season 3, I really love how it ties up season 2 here.

Alex Manes:

i’m just like my mother, we both love to run @meneatyoghurt (5,211) After what his dad does, he runs and runs and runs. A look at Alex's relationship with running, from track and field to leaving Roswell. MALEX IMPLIED

why i like it: Alex is one of my favorite characters on RNM, mostly because of how hard he tries in spite of his flaws. I love a good story that focuses on why it’s a struggle for Alex to be present, and doesn’t shy away from the fallout of his actions. This is a gorgeous look into Alex and his tendency to run to feel safe, and how that affects his relationships, and why he wants to stop. I just have a lot of feelings about Alex, especially after reading this.

Michael Guerin :

looking for yourself out there by @haloud (6,670) It’s early; it’s a weeknight. Michael can only be here to get blasted or for Marco himself, and both of them know it.It’s been a while since this was a game, for Michael. The flirting he did with Maria was something else, a class all her own. Sex, and the lead up to sex, for the longest time was either life-or-death or it was a helpless, hopeless lashing out for any human contact. (It was either Alex, or it was Maria, or it wasn’t.)So this is nice. MICHAEL/OTHER

why i like it: I privately think hal understands Michael Guerin like no other, and their fic is just a delight for anyone who wants to look under that macho cowboy exterior to see him. One of the things we both agree on as Michael Guerin fans, is that Alex is not the male exception for Michael. And while the show will probably never deliver a Michael/OMC storyline like they have with Max/Jenna, Isobel/Blair, Liz/Heath, Alex/Forrest - that’s what fanfic is for and this story is so satisfiying. If you don’t come away from this story loving Marco and wishing he was real... I don’t know what to tell you. I was so inspired by it, I wrote my own Michael/OMC story.

Isobel Evans:

future starts slow by @foramomentonly (4,799) The bartop is sticky, but Maria's skin is clean and soft.This is how it starts. Brushes of fingers as Maria passes over a glass of wine; her cool, dry hand cupping Isobel's wrist as she reads her palm; Isobel's fingertips pressed to Maria's temples, wisps of curls caught around her knuckles as they practice combining their powers. MARIBEL

why i like it: It’s just facts that Maria and Isobel have incredible chemistry, their banter is off the charts, and I love this sexy story of Isobel approaching Maria for more after they’ve been circling each other for a while. It’s a gorgeous look at two strong women who very rarely let down their guards, but for each other, they do. The sex is really hot, but I think what lingers most with me is how this story rewards the swan dive of hope, Isobel after a lifetime of “being who she should be” becomes who she wants to be, a woman who loves fiercely but not destructively. Of course, Maria is no wilting flower here, which makes it all the sweeter.

If you like any of these recs, please leave a comment on the story- a ‘this was awesome’ is enough to propell an author into the stratosphere with happiness, so don’t worry about coming up with a unique, never before shared insight- sometimes a keyboard smash and emogi makes all the difference!

#rnmcreate21 #character recs day 1 #maribel #rnm-echo #gen recs #fanfic recs #roswell new mexico #RNM

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extreme-technicality · 5 years

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Im only messing with you 😘 while im here though could i have some fic recs puh-leaaase - 🍍

Ooh honey, you have no IDEA the can of worms you just opened :D (since this list is so long I’m gonna split it up into SFW Complete, NSFW Complete, SFW Ongoing, and NSFW Ongoing)

SFW Complete:

The Invisible Girl [sonamae]: OK SO it’s Hagakure-centric, with background Hagakure x Shouji and KiriBaku. My favorite part about this is that the romance is important, but not the focus. The focus of this oneshot is on the family she creates with Bakugou, Satou, Todoroki, Kirishima, and Tokoyami. Go read it, it’s great. BIG BROTHER BAKUGOU FTW!!!!!

Ground Zero [sonamae]: Speaking of Big Brother Bakugou, this is the next oneshot in the same series as the above one, but from Bakugou’s pov. Again, the romance is important but not a focus, and that’s so fucking refreshing and I love it so mUCH idk what else to tell you. Just go read these two. The rest of the series isn’t complete, but these two specific fics ARE, hence why they’re in the Complete section.

Lighting The Beacon [M3zzaTh3M3z]: This is one of the first bnha fics I’ve ever read, and I’m so glad this was my introduction to the fandom!! It’s a pretty fluffy oneshot, starting off with Kiri asking Baku out and Baku rejecting him because “who ever heard of a gay hero?” Aizawa hears about that (the basics, no details like names or anything), and things…start to change. Mic says he’s married to a man (its Aizawa), All Might comes out as pan, ace Midnight…and at the end, Bakugou asks Kirishima out very publicly. It’s so near and dear to my heart, and it honestly deserves more attention than it gets.

You’re only relevant until you’re older (they’re gonna talk about you over and over) [futurehearts]: Pro-Heroes Red Riot and Ground Zero are happily married and Baku has a reputation to slowly destroy :D (he’s soft, mainly for his husband, and he knows it…and now so does the rest of the world lmaooo).

Love Notes [PurplePersnickety]: Kirishima gets really, REALLY sappy love notes on his desk for a week or two and works to figure out who it is (spoiler alert, it’s Bakugou being a Soft Bitch). When Kiri asks him about it, he confesses everything and they date in secret for six months before telling the whole class (oneshot).

Sonder [Maplefudge]: I bet this bitch thought she wouldn’t get a shout-out well guess what you write good and there’s nothing you can do about it This is the first work of maple’s I ever read, and it’s perf <3 I’m love. It’s a look at the “totally platonic” (how much sarcasm can I add to two words?) Kiribaku from members of the class, over the course of 13 chapters. It’s full of fluff, useless mutual pining, obliviousness, and “platonic bro kisses”. Read it if you need to scream at some useless gays.

Anger Management [Julietwasanidiot]: The entire fandom is gearing up for S4 by writing hurt/comfort KiriBaku post-raid fics, and I am HERE for it. Because of when it’s set though, there’s going to be spoilers so if you’re anime-only you migt want to steer clear of this one. It’s got an ICONIC rice-and-anger line, though.

Stupid Mistakes [lemxnfox]: Kirishima and Bakugou got in a fight! They fight a lot, but this fight they’ve been fighting for six months and the class is #OverIt. They concoct a plan to lock the two of them in a room and force them to make up– and they DO. Side ShinKami and TodoDeku.

No More Fragments [Ischemia]: Canon-compliant…to a degree. Shinsou takes his place as the Superior Purple in Class A, gets himself a boyfriend (Kaminari) and a squad (the Bakusquad)…and loses it. Or does he???? Canon-typical violence, side Kiribaku, mystery plot.

Caught In My Own Web [anxioussaliorsoldier]: SHINSOU IS IN 1-A!!!!! And he fucks up when trying to use his capture weapon lmao. Kaminari finds him and they recreate the iconic Spider-Man kiss…and then Shinsou passes out from the blood rushing to his head. It’s cute guys.

Be Selfish For Me [A_Reflective_Projection]: WARNING– the entire thing is Aizawa asking 1-A to be careful as pro heroes, by taking them to a hero graveyard. It’s painful. It’s sad (especially when Aizawa brings up a classmate of his who died in their first year as a pro). It ends bittersweet, and there’s some good Dadzawa content in there. The most present ship is Erasermic, and that only really makes an appearance in the last chapter.

Closer [MikeWritesThings]: Fluffy Erasermic, canon universe, where Aizawa starts calling in to Mic’s radio show cuz he misses him. It’s sweet af ❤️❤️

Meaningless Holiday [dysonQueer]: It’s a sweet Valentine’s Day fic, canon-compliant, with established Erasermic for the soul. I highly recommend it if you’re having a rough day and you need some feel-good fluff

Come Back Toe Me [Milligramme]: Aged-up, Pro Hero fic where Kiri has a shit day heroing, but he isn’t physically hurt. Not until he breaks his toe on the coffee table, that is. He can’t stop laughing, and Bakugou can’t stop worrying about his dumbass boyfriend.

Kiss Me Through The Screen [Ischemia]: Aged-up fic with ShinKami as the main focus and some side KiriBaku, but…uh, most of the Bakusquad aren’t full-time Heroes. Kami dropped out of UA completely, and Shinsou never went in the first place. So, Kaminari is working at Jirou’s cafe and works as a SFW camboy at night, while Shinsou is a teacher and watches the stream nightly. Later there’s a plot around a stalker, again please keep yourself safe Pineapple Anon!!

If I Don’t Act… [SilentNorth]: This is gritty and painful, but don’t worry! There’s a happy ending :D (I rarely read/write/recc pure angst, you’re safe here my child). Kiri is a college dropout working two jobs, living with Mina as his roommate, and with a hero complex the size of Texas. Enter art student Bakugou, who can save himself thank you very much. Some mention of depression/attempted suicide, as well as slightly less than canon-typical violence, please keep yourself safe and skip it if that’s going to trigger you, Pineapple Anon.

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all [theroyalsavage]: A Kiribaku “10 Things I Hate About You” AU where Todoroki asks Kirishima to fake-date Bakugou so he can date Midoriya. Everything is going smoothly until Kirishima accidentally falls in love *gasp*!!

The Skeletons Inside Of Us [firelord_zutara]: Erasermic, quirkless AU where Mic was the lead singer of Aizawa’s favorite local band in college. Aizawa has a crush on him, they lost touch after college, and they didn’t meet again…until their nephews (Aizawa adopted Midoriya, Shinsou is Mic’s sister’s kid) meet and by extension, the uncles. Background ShinKami and KiriBaku, written for EraserMic week (7 chapters).

Life’s a Drag(on) [PurplePersnickety]: FANTASY AU!!! You know, the Fantasy AU from the third ending. But altered, juuuuuust slightly. Bakugou lives in(? ish) a village and helps a dragon when it’s hurt. A day or so later, a (hot) new guy comes to town named Kirishima, and the dragon keeps coming around. Shenaniganery follows. :DDD

Space Dust [PurplePersnickety]: Do you like Star Wars, Star Trek, Firefly, and/or Men In Black? Then you’re gonna fuckin LOVE this :DDD It’s got half-alien Kirishima, cyborg Bakugou, mention of a larger universe outside of the planet (outside of the oneshot too, lbr). It is a oneshot though, even if it is a long one, with canon/typical violence and mention of kidnapping and child experimentation. Please put your mental health and well-being above everything else and skip it if it’s gonna trigger you!!!

Achromatopsia [PurplePersnickety]: DID SOMEBODY SAY SOULMATE AU???? No? Well hAVE ONE ANYWAY!!! Kiribaku soulmate AU (oneshot), where you only see in one color until you touch your soulmate for the first time. Fun fact, achromatopsia is the complete inability to see any color!! I’m sure that’s not gonna have any bearing on the story whatsoever…

NSFW Complete:

A Cast for your Heart [KTG]: Heads up, this is LONG. 90 chapters, 268k, it’s magic and sex and drAGONS and angst and almost-dying!! The fantasy system is completely original, set in modern times, and the OCs??? Don’t get me STARTED. Kiribaku, Tododeku, and Seromina are the bnha ships present as well as a lot of OCxOC ships. There’s also a sequel set to come out this month (July 2019)!!

Long Time Coming [Madam_Muffins]: I’ve probably recc’ed this before, but I just. I just love this one so much, ok? It’s massive Kiribaku slow burn, outlining what might happen if Bakugou is just a little bit more emotionally constipated. Baku fucks up, gets help, he and Kiri get together (and fuck a little), and there’s elements of the Reincarnation and Fantasy AUs in there towards the end!! Go read it, madammuffins is my amazing tumblr mom and I love her to bits.

SFW Ongoing:

Engraved In Your Mind [Hejter]: FACEBLIND BAKUGOU KATSUKI!!! It’s canon-compliant, except for that little detail, but she writes it so WELL that now I can’t look at canon!Bakugou without thinking that he’s faceblind. Kiri finds out and starts working to build trust with Bakugou and help him on his path to becoming the top hero, and it’s GREAT. Slowburn Kiribaku. Like,,,SLOW.

Define: Oblivious [PurplePersnickety]: I bet you thought I was done with the Purple reccs. I’m never going to be done reccing Purple. Deal with it. I mentioned, in the summary for Love Notes, that there was a six month time skip? This is what happens in those six months. SeroKami and MomoJirou are side ships in this one.

The Right Thing [TuesdayTerrible]: Established Kiribaku where they’re graduated from UA, and living together, and being pro heroes…and then one day Baku finds a little girl who tried to kill herself cuz she was quirkless. Needless to say, this strikes a chord in Bakugou (cuz…yknow, he kinda told Midoriya to kill himself in like episode one and then it was never addressed again). He can’t stop thinking about her, and while we haven’t gotten there YET it looks like it’s gonna end with him and Kirishima adopting her and Bakugou apologizing for the bullshit he put Mido through. There is mention of a suicide attempt (clearly), skip it if that’s gonna trigger you!!!

Hands Off! [PullingAllMighters]: Much like Kiss Me Through The Screen, Hands Off! is a non-canon compliant aged-up AU where not everyone is a full-time hero. Kiri is, Kami and Sero are his sidekicks, Ochako is in a different agency, and everyone else is doing Other Shit. Bakugou hasn’t revealed his full backstory yet, but it looks like he was a Pro Hero until a year or so ago when something bad happened and now he’s got PTSD. His old apartment building burned down so he’s living in Ochako, Momo, Jirou, and Mina’s guesthouse until he finds a job and another place to live. This has a fresh take on the hero system, and I really really enjoy it so far!! There is, however, a fairly detailed scene of Bakugou being triggered so if reading that would trigger you, please don’t!! Keep yourself safe, Pineapple Anon!!! Endgame Kiribaku

Blood of my Hand [PurplePersnickety]: Is it obvious yet that I LOVE purple’s writing??? This, I believe, was the gateway work, and I’ve dived headfirst in and not looked back. Fantasy AU, slowburn Kiribaku, and it’s. I can’t even sum it up. There’s too much. It’s too good. Game of Thrones WISHES it could be what BomH is. There’s mention of slavery and past child abuse, please skip that if it’s going to trigger you!!

A Boy and his Dragon [VanHan]: Oh look, another fantasy AU. Have you figured out that I have a type yet? Kiribaku but the Kiribaku hasn’t really happened yet, cuz Bakugou is a literal child who got kidnapped and is probably gonna get sold. He doesn’t even know Kirishima is Kirishima, he just knows him as the cool dragon in the cage. This one just barely makes the SFW list, because there’s no explicit mention of fucking, but there’s a really really gross pedophile that shows up fairly early on and hasn’t died yet. There’s also graphic depictions of violence in the first chapter, and once you combine those two things I would absolutely understand if you decided to give this one a pass, too.

Everglow [Maplefudge]: ANOTHER fantasy AU?!?! In MY fic recc list?? It’s more likely than you think. This one just started, and it’s got that enemies-to-lovers shit going on. Dragons plus my favorite tropes = FUCK YEAH!!!

Crimson [Crocodillia]: I bet you thought I was done with the fantasy AU reccs, didn’t you? Well, HAVE ANOTHER!!! This one has strong HTTYD vibes, and I’ve literally never seen anyone try that before with these characters!! So far there’s only two chapters, but I am HOOKED and if you like HTTYD…you’re gonna like this, too.

Becoming Human [FoolishFortuna]: Demon!Bakugou becomes Human!Bakugou when he refuses to take a kid’s soul. I think we’re three chapters in and he just got to earth and met Kirishima, as well as a few holy people (Midoriya, Ochako, Iida, and I believe Tetsu). Now he gotta find his daughter and keep her safe. Kiribaku with some fairly graphic descriptions of torture and cannibalism in the second chapter, don’t read it if that’s gonna trigger you!! Also he pretty brutally rips apart the girl’s abusive parents.

Surviving for Second Chances [SilentNorth]: TWEWY Kiribaku AU!!! There’s some differences between the original game and the fic, for pretty obvious reasons (medium, objective, and character differences being a few), but this got me to FINALLY watch a playthrough of the game cuz I’m too broke to go and buy it myself!! Kirishima as Neku and Bakugou as Joshua, plus Mina as Shiki and TodoDeku as Rhyme and Beat. Canon-typical violence, and we just finished up Week 1!!

Love And Other Allergens [thefrailtyofgenius]: A Quirkless AU where Todoroki is a lawyer with a flower shop underneath his apartment. Todo finds out he’s allergic to one of the plants, buys a different bouquet every week instead of, yknow, asking for help like a normal human being (I say, knowing damn well I’d just buy allergy medication and not even try to figure out what I’m allergic TO), and accidentally falls in love with the cute (and absolutely fucking ripped) flower boy (Midoriya lmao). It’s LONG. The TodoDeku is extremely slowburn, and there’s a fuckload of side ships. An incomplete list: Erasermic, Kiribaku, ShinIida (Shinsou and Iida), and MomoJirou. Bonus Endeavor’s Bad Parenting, Midoriya Hisashi’s Bad Parenting, and both of those assholes getting locked up forever :D (I’m so serious about the length tho, it’s like 40 chapters or something).

NSFW Ongoing:

Mixing Signals [Shippeh]: Kiribaku aged-up, but they’ve tried to date multiple times and every time Bakugou fucked it up. Every time they broke up, they pretended like they’d never tried in the first place (which…oW), but this time. THIS time, Bakugou swears he’s gonna make them work.

Heartbeat Thunder [Shippeh]: This is one of the few ABO fics I’ll recc, because it’s not just “ooh heat sex fun times”. This has THOUGHT put into it. They’re confused kids goddamnit, let them be confused!!! Basically Kiri doesn’t ever want to rut so he’s suppressing everything about being an alpha, while Bakugou thinks that trying to hide from your secondary gender is stupid. They do fuck tho, which is why the fic is in NSFW Ongoing.

Take a Chance On Me [FanficIsMyThing]: The other ABO fic I’ll happily recc. Kiri is an alpha which lets him be a hero, while Baku is an omega so he’s gotta be a vigilante until the laws get changed. They run into each other on patrol a few times, Baku helps Kiri and crew out a few times, and every time Kirishima *mysteriously* fails to catch the vigilante Chemical X. They haven’t actually fucked yet, but there’s been enough sexy times to put this squarely in NSFW territory. And it’s not just sex!! I don’t wanna spoil, but it’s good I swear.

Opposed to the Typical [Heronfem]: A model/fashion designer AU featuring HoH!Bakugou, model!Bakugou and designer!Kirishima, as well as a metric shitload of others. Basically Kiri is an intern with Fatgum who gets called to help another studio with their fitting, gets assigned to Bakugou, figures out he’s HoH and handles it like a champ. Because he does it so well, whenever Bakugou needs to get his measurements taken again, they immediately call for Kirishima. And ofc they gonna fall in love :3c But its more complicated than that, and I don’t wanna give too much away, but make sure that you pay attention to any trigger warnings at the start of the chapters!!!

#kingdomheartstrashmouth #ask dadzawa #pineapple anon #nonnie #kiribaku fic reccs #shinkami fic reccs #tododeku fic reccs #erasermic fic reccs #bnha fic reccs #did i reccommend enough? or do you want more? cuz i have. sO many. like this is only a little bit my dude.#how many did i even put up there? like DAMN. and i know i forgot some really really good ones too

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soberqueerinthewild · 5 years

Text

I don’t know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me

{AO3 Link}

Alternatively Titled: In which Kyle goes to a gay bar

Part 1 can be found HERE : You likely want to read Part 1 first to get full context, but in theory this could be read as a standalone.

More introspective Maria POV. Malex, mentions of Maria/Michael, Maribel if you squint, a scene of Kyle in a gay bar that serves no narrative purpose, but I just had to write it.

Thanks to @seeaddywrite for fixing my grammatical mistakes and being patient with my run-on sentences.

***

It doesn’t end with a bang, but with a whimper. She never does work up the nerve to have that direct, adult conversation she knows would’ve been the healthy way to handle the new revelations. But with running the bar and taking care of her mother, she never really has emotional reserves to handle whatever the result of that conversation might be. And on the days she thinks maybe she could stand it, Michael always looks decimated from another day of practicing new powers, following new leads that turned into dead ends, or soaking his troubles in acetone.

Instead, she lets the relationship start to die the death of a million little cuts. Because after that day in the Crashdown, it’s like a a veil lifts and she realizes that the problems in her relationship don’t start or end with feeling like she’s the interlude in someone else’s love story. She let herself fall into familiar patterns with Michael. Maria’s been told more than once that she has a tendency to put her own needs last. Hazards of a psychic, she guesses, and it’s only gotten worse since her mom hasn’t been coherent enough to remind Maria that she matters; that it’s ok for her to ask for what she needs. It’s not that Maria is a pushover, far from it. She doesn’t let people walk all over her, and she stands up for herself when the situation demands it. It’s more that she rarely asks for help, because when she can innately sense that her friends are already struggling with their own grief and trauma, it feels easier to just... be her own damn savior. That way, she can stick to being the fun, supportive friend, instead of adding to their already heavy burdens. In relationships, when in every argument, she feels the disappointment and hurt radiating off her partner, well, who could blame her if she twists herself in knots to be everything they need instead. In recent years, she’s mostly stuck to dating people like Chad, with the emotional depth of a banana slug, whose feelings never reached the point of even registering; or one night stands, where she has no problems asserting her own needs rather than even trying for a relationship with any sort of future where she’d be forced to figure out how much of herself she was willing to give away.

It’s a little ironic because she’d seen choosing to accept Michael’s overtures and start a relationship as progress of a sort. Messy and perhaps ill-advised, but an attempt nonetheless at putting her own wants and needs first. It felt unnatural, and guilt settled heavily on her shoulders, yet she thought perhaps it would fade. Other people did this all the time, prioritized relationships over friends, and she thought maybe if she pushed through, it would start to feel better. And maybe it would’ve in time, but it turns out that making that one choice didn’t alter her well-worn patterns. Michael’s pain, as much as he tried to tamp it down with her, felt so overwhelming that she’d slipped into a familiar care taking role. She’d let herself be what he needed: a safe place, a distraction. She could sense that he wanted things to be easy with her, so she acquiesced. She didn’t ask the questions she knew he didn’t want to answer, and she pushed down her own resentments that he’d had a brother with healing hands and never told her, when he knew she had a mother who rambled about aliens and was rapidly losing her memories. Pushed down her fury that she’d been drugged and violated and used and he still hadn’t told her about what happened to her until events forced his hand. In darker moments, she wonders if he kept it from her not because he was so used to protecting the secret at all costs, but because it was more important to him to have someone with whom he could escape his reality than to be honest with her.

In an alternate universe, she would’ve recognized what this was a lot sooner, and adjusted her expectations accordingly. In fact at first, right after Texas, she’d thought Michael Guerin might be the perfect escape for her, too. Someone who wouldn’t expect anything from her, who wouldn’t worry if she drowned her heartache over her mother in tequila a little more than was advisable, and who could help her work off some frustrations with sex whenever she wanted it. But somehow, someway, without her even recognizing it, her feelings for Michael had deepened, and learning about his history with Alex had raised the stakes. She wouldn’t risk hurting Alex for just a fling, but she’d begun to think that she and Michael might have a shot at something real, and perhaps, after feeling lonely for so long, it might be worth the cost. So she’d stubbornly ignored the signs, pretended that it was working for her, that they were headed somewhere, that she wasn’t just doing what she always did, and letting him take what he needed from her, while burying her own needs down deep. Now that her eyes are open, she realizes it’s not even a decent distraction. Sure the sex and companionship is nice, their banter can be fun when either of them is up for it, and she knows they do genuinely care for each other, but she can’t leave her problems behind with him. Not when after a day spent listening to her mom ramble about aliens and mind control, she comes home to Isobel freaking Evans in her kitchen, taking a walk through her best friend’s memories in the newest attempt to resurrect Max. This is not what she needs.

When Isobel and Liz finally leave, she knows she can’t leave it one more night. It’s Sunday, which is both her day off and the night the bar closes at 9, so it’s empty when she leads Michael down the stairs and suggests a night cap. Maybe this’ll be easier outside the confines of her apartment in a more neutral place. When she tells him it’s over, Michael looks resigned, but not surprised. It’s been weeks of cutting remarks, awkward silences, and disconnected sex, as her heart really hasn’t been in it. Maria had kind of been waiting for him to put them out of their misery, but now realizes Michael has never gotten this far in a relationship and has no idea what to do, so it falls on her.

“Is it the alien thing? Or is it just me?” Maria forces herself to harden her heart against the flash of pain in Michael’s eyes. She knows abandonment is a sore spot for him. “Or is it Alex?”

His name hangs between them, for so long unspoken. She doesn’t answer; it’s all those things and none at the same time.

Michael rushes to fill the silence. “I’ve told you, it’s over, I’m over him.”

It’s the blatant lie that pushes her out of the resigned acceptance, and sparks fire in the pit of her stomach. “Oh yeah?” She retorts. “Tell that to my light bulbs.”

When he doesn’t respond, but merely arches an eyebrow at her, feigning confusion, she continues conversationally, “You know, I lied. Kyle Valenti and Alex aren’t actually dating.”

Even as the words come out of her mouth she doesn’t know if she means them as a jab, a test, or just a parting gift. If it’s a test, he definitely fails, as she barely has to try to feel the wave of relief, and the spike of sharp hope that course through Michael in an instant, followed closely by guilt.

She cuts him off before he can mutter a denial. “You can’t lie to a psychic, Guerin.”

He hangs his head, but doesn’t try to convince her. She doesn’t want to make this hard. If he keeps looking like that, she’s worried she’ll cave. Her weakness is kicked puppies, after all. But this isn’t good for either of them. She’s seen the cracks and she can’t pretend they don’t exist. Can’t stay in this just so he doesn’t have to handle another person walking away. She desperately wishes now they hadn’t tried this. He could use a friend, they both could, and it’ll be hard to get back there now, with resentments between them. She tries for that maturity and honesty she hasn’t been able to muster in the last weeks.

“Michael, we just can’t be what each other needs. You want something that’s a little bit easy: a distraction, an escape maybe? It’s ok to want that, but it can’t be with me. Because for me, choosing this, us, wasn’t easy. It had a cost. And it’s not an escape when my mother’s afflictions are wrapped up in alien secrets you don’t like talking about with me. I can’t keep pretending those things aren’t true, or pretending this is gonna be something it never is.” She blinks back tears and avoids his gaze.

When he finally speaks he sounds as defeated as she feels. “It sounds like your mind’s made up then. Should I even bother trying to change it?”

She swallows her knee jerk response of ‘do you even want to?’ because it won’t help anyone. “Yeah, it is made up,” she replies instead.

She can’t resist taking this last opportunity to say the words that have been bubbling under her tongue for the last few weeks.

“And I know you didn’t ask, but just my two cents? Distraction is a coping mechanism, but it’s supposed to be a temporary one. Someday you’ve got to stop avoiding, stop escaping into a relationship or a bottle, and actually talk about some of your trauma. You’ve been through so much, and I know you want to focus on Max, but ignoring everything else isn’t helping. I know talking to a therapist is probably out, but maybe you should try with a friend. Maybe someday that can even be me, but not if we keep doing this.”

She doesn’t really expect a response from him, but his silence is a deafening confirmation that she’s doing the right thing. They sit there staring at each other for what feels like an hour before he finally mutters, “I’m sorry, Deluca.”

“Yeah, me too.” And she really is. “Take care of yourself, Guerin.” The last names feel like an attempt to erect a wall, to regain some distance and bring them back to a time where all that was between them was caustic exchanges about his bar tab and harmless flirting. He takes the cue and gets up to leave, with just one dejected look over his shoulder on his way out the door.

She manages to wait until she’s sure he’s out of earshot before she breaks down. Weeks of pent up emotions flow out of her and she’s choking on her sobs, making it hard to breathe. She feels so desperately alone all of the sudden. She should call Liz, but even though she knows it’s not fair, the only person she wants right now is Alex. Ten minutes later with two shots of tequila warming her veins and clouding her head just enough, she gives in and presses the call button. He answers breathless after three rings, his voice laced with concern.

“Maria, is everything ok?”

They never call, only text, especially lately. Hearing his voice brings on a new round of tears, she tries to speak through them, but the words won’t come. What could she even say? ‘I broke up with the love of your life and I need you to comfort me?’ She wonders for a sick, dizzying moment if maybe Alex already knows. If maybe he was the first call Michael made on his way out the door. She pushes away the paranoia, but still can’t find the words.

Alex doesn’t need them. “Are you at the bar?” She manages to choke out an affirmative. “I’ll be right there.”

True to his word, he’s there 10 minutes later, and for a second she wonders where he was, since clearly he couldn’t have arrived that fast from his cabin. Her question is answered as Kyle trails in after him. He seems to have appointed himself head of the Alex Manes defense squad and determined he might be in need of protection from Maria, for fuck’s sake. God, she really doesn’t want to lose her shit in front of Valenti. He seems to have matured but it’s still hard for her to think of him as anything other than the asshole, high school bully, who Liz was much too good for. Alex immediately understands what she needs and as soon as he sees her face he tells Kyle he can go as he takes three steps across the room to fold her into his arms. Kyle turns and leaves without comment.

Alex strokes her hair and she leans against him heavily. She knows she owes him an explanation of some kind for dragging him over here.

“It’s over. I broke up with Michael.” Alex’s hand stills in her hair for a fraction of a second before resuming the comforting, even, strokes. “You were the only one I wanted. I know it’s so unfair of me to even call.”

He shushes her as he takes the seat beside her, re-adjusting but never removing his arms from her shoulders. “You can always call me,” he assures her softly.

Maria tentatively reaches out with her powers and for the first time in months she can actually feel something from him. The empathy and love for her emanating off of him feel like a balm to her soul. It’s such a relief to feel anything from him at all, that she pulls back and stops herself from probing too deeply. If underneath there’s just the tiniest spark of hope, well, no one would blame him, but she’d rather not know. For now, she would prefer to relish the comfort of her best friend and leave reality for another day.

***

Her relationship with Alex isn’t magically repaired overnight. There is still a guardedness to their interactions that was never there before, but day by day things improve. Within a week Alex has started swinging by the Wild Pony again during slow times to keep her company, and joining her and Liz at the Crashdown for milkshakes. It feels like the old days for the most part, even though they both avoid the elephant in the room and haven’t discussed Michael at all. The night of the breakup Alex asked enough to ascertain whether or not Michael deserved an ass kicking (she’s guessing if she’d said yes he might have outsourced to Valenti, but she’s confident it would’ve been at least attempted either way), and then didn’t press when she didn’t offer details beyond the vague ‘we were looking for different things.’ It’s still not as effortless as it once was, but the fact that they are both trying so hard makes her confident that they can get back there eventually.

As the weeks pass she starts to feel more like herself and she wonders if maybe she should tell Alex that Michael hasn’t given up hope. Maybe all they need is a little nudge. She ultimately decides against it. There’s so much she still doesn’t know about what’s happened between them all these years and Michael’s not exactly in a great place to be with anyone right now anyways. Besides, the part of her that’s still re-learning to sleep alone isn’t sure she could handle being the conduit in their reconciliation quite yet.

Instead, she vows to stay out of it and let them work out their own shit if they can. Alex at least seems to be making progress on some of his. Though there’s a heavy sadness and guilt that burns beneath anything else he feels, now that he’s finally let her back in, she’s thrilled to realize that she no longer senses the blanket of shame that used to weigh down any joy he tried to claim for himself. It seems he’s cast it aside these past few months and traded it for a steady surety and confidence that suits him as well as the leather jacket he’s taken to wearing again.

Apparently his look isn’t the only thing that’s changed. Maria’s surprised and pleased when Kyle invites her one night to come along with him and Alex to the only gay bar within a 100 mile radius of Roswell. Since her breakup with Michael, Kyle has warmed considerably to her. He was never rude before, just coolly polite, always keeping one eye on Alex as if he might need to rescue him from the conversation at any minute. He’s finally dropped that habit and she’s come to find him witty and charming in a way she didn’t expect. And since she and Alex still fall into awkward silences when one-on-one, the specter of Michael hanging between them, Kyle has been the perfect buffer. She’s tempted by the offer, especially when she learns it’s karaoke night, but Maria never leaves the Wild Pony on a Saturday night. It’s her most profitable and she really can’t afford to miss out on the night’s tips, but a conversation with Liz grounds her in the realization that there really is no amount of money she wouldn’t sacrifice to see Kyle Valenti in a gay bar.

Liz and Rosa have opted for a sister’s night in, and so it’s just Maria, Kyle, and Alex for the night. Maria finds that even more amazing than seeing former homophobic bro-jock Kyle Valenti looking completely at home in a gay bar, is watching Alex’s whole demeanor noticeably relax as soon as they walk through the door. She’d anticipated that he might be nervous or uncomfortable, since as far she knows he’s not the gay bar type, but he looks completely at ease, smiling and even flirting a bit with the bartender as he grabs them all another round of drinks.

Kyle interrupts her musing. “The first time I brought him here he was all nerves. I don’t think he looked a single person in the eye, and look at him now.”

“Wait, you brought him here?”

“Well I couldn’t watch him sulk one more goddamn day. We’d both been buried in research for a month after that night, mired in guilt over the atrocities our fathers committed, and starting to go a little stir crazy. I knew we had to do something to break our rut, so I got online, found this place and kidnapped him. He was pretty mad at first, but it turned out to be fun. So we’ve come back every few weeks since, when we need to blow off some steam.”

“Well you look awfully comfortable here. Come to any new revelations about yourself I should know about?” She’s half-kidding, but on the other hand he seems awfully enthusiastic about bimonthly trips to a gay bar so maybe he is enjoying more than just the drinks.

Kyle lets out a heavy sigh. “Unfortunately, I seem to be unfairly, but fatally afflicted with heterosexuality.”

Maria lets out a startled laugh. “Wait, are you legitimately upset about that?” Maria has long considered herself to be, at the very least, on the flexible side of heteroflexible (bisexual, she guesses would be the right word, though it’s not one she’s ever used out loud to describe herself, in part because opportunities to explore this part of herself have been scarce in Roswell), so she can’t really relate to Kyle’s consternation.

“Yes!” Kyle exclaims, banging both hands on the table for emphasis. “I really opened myself up to the possibility, thinking maybe my homophobia in high school was really some version of self-hatred. But after much reflection, I think I was just a dick. I just... don’t want to have sex with men.”

Maria tries to follow. “And this is... upsetting to you?”

“Yes! I mean, Alex is my favorite person; we already spend all of our time together. Wouldn’t it be great if we could also have sex? I mean, if I were even just a little gay, or bisexual, I guess, and you know... if he actually wanted to have sex with me. Which I don’t think he does. Which is honestly a little offensive?! I mean have you seen me? I’m a catch. And I’m a surgeon. Do you think it’s ‘cause I’m not tall?”

Apparently after after a 48 hour call shift, the two drinks Kyle downed quickly when they arrived have hit him hard. Luckily, drunk Kyle is a trip and a half. Even if she has to carry his ass home, it will have been worth it just to bear witness to that little rant.

Maria pats his shoulder placatingly, “Yes, Kyle, you’re definitely a catch. You know how I know? ‘Cause all those guys,” she points to the six guys she can see right now that have zeroed in on their table, “aren’t staring at me. If you want to explore whether the attentions of men do it for you or not, I think you might find a willing test subject here.”

Kyle laughs, preening himself a bit.

Alex returns to the table as they are still laughing. “What’s so funny?”

“Oh just Valenti enjoying a little ego boost,” Maria quips.

“Oh yeah, he’s very popular here. I actually feel kind of bad about bringing him here to disappoint his many admirers with his unfortunate heterosexuality.”

“But you do anyway, because I’m an excellent wingman.”

“Well,” Alex concedes, “you’re certainly a determined wingman.”

The banter is interrupted as a very attractive guy who looks like he just stepped out of a Navy Seals recruitment brochure, approaches their table and asks Alex to dance. To Maria’s utter shock and delight, he gets up, tosses a wink back at her and Kyle, and makes his way out to the dance floor. Maria can only watch in amazement. She wonders idly just how many glasses and light bulbs would explode if Michael were here to witness this, but pushes the thought away to focus on Alex.

Despite the fact that Alex has been out since he was 16, there’s always been a disconnect in his willingness to state he was gay and actually acting on it, at least in public. He confessed once while drunk and maudlin that though he’s been out to basically everyone since DADT was repealed, there are still moments when he hears the echo of his father’s voice ranting about how his perversions make him weak. That sometimes, when he catches himself looking at a guy in a certain way, he suddenly feels like he’s still that scared 11 year old who isn’t exactly sure why his dad is beating him, but it seems to be something about the way he looks at Kyle Valenti. Maria’s heart broke for him then, and she always hoped he’d figure out how to overcome it. Watching him now, relaxed in a room full of other queer people, it seems like he finally has, and Maria couldn’t be prouder. She’s not totally sure how Jesse Manes wound up in a coma, but she sure as hell won’t be shedding any tears about it. Sometimes she thinks she’d have killed him herself given half a chance.

The night flies by in a haze of drinks, dancing, and karaoke, and ends with Maria and Kyle shamelessly eavesdropping as yet another cute guy propositions Alex. They both boo rather loudly when Alex lets him down gently and suggests they finally head home. Alex is the designated driver (apparently Kyle had the honor last time, when they brought Liz and Isobel, of all people, with them. Maria tries not to be resentful that she hadn’t gotten an invite) so they have no choice but to call it a night and follow him out the door.

“Why’d you turn that guy down?” Kyle whines drunkenly. “I’ve seen you talk to him here before. He’s cute, right?” He looks to Maria for confirmation.

“Yes, totally.” She nods her head emphatically, the motion causing her to stumble a bit, and forcing her to admit that she’s more than a little drunk herself.

Alex smirks at them, a spark of mischief she hasn’t seen in a long time in his eyes. “Honestly, he’s just not that good in bed.”

“What?” Kyle practically screeches, “You’ve been holding out on me, Manes! As your wingman you are obligated to tell me these things. When did you even have time? I see you like every day.”

“It was barely worth writing home about. When we were here last month? Or maybe six weeks ago, he gave me his number and we hooked up one night you were on call, I think. It was fine, but I’m not looking for a repeat performance or anything.” Maria tries to catch his gaze, but he looks pointedly away and clears his throat, an awkward silence falling for the first time that evening.

Maria’s insides twist uncomfortably, guessing why Alex isn’t looking for repeats. She feels a momentary kinship with Alex’s random hookup, as they both hadn’t realized they could never compete with 10 years of cosmic, epic, star-crossed love. Maria forces herself to halt that train of thought. She really doesn’t want to let the bitterness take over and sour her night. She knows that eventually she’s going to have to reckon with Alex and Michael. If they get back together she will have to work on seeing them together and thinking about their relationship without it hurting. She won’t lose Alex again, so she’ll figure it out. But tonight is not the night for that. Tonight was supposed to be about fun, reconnecting with her friend, singing some karaoke, and watching Valenti get hit on by men, all of which she accomplished.

She forces herself not to dwell, and instead she slings an arm over Kyle’s shoulder. “Hey, I still think you’re a good wingman. You can’t be held responsible for quality.”

“Next time I’ll ask for references before sending anyone your way.” Kyle jokes as Alex shoves him towards the car.

“Get in before I decide to leave you behind.”

Maria clambers into the front seat next to Alex, forcing Kyle into the back. She tries to hold on to the joy of the night, of the few hours she was able to leave her troubles behind her. She leans against the door, and drifts off to the sound of Alex softly singing along to the radio, grateful for the temporary reprieve.

***

After that night, Maria realizes how important it is for all of them, Alex, Kyle, Liz, Rosa, and even Michael and Isobel to take breaks. She feels helpless in all of it, not able to cure her mother or be of much use in the plans for Max, so instead she focuses on taking care of herself and her friends in the process. She sets time aside for dance parties and slumber parties with Liz and Rosa, as well as movie nights with Liz, Rosa, Kyle, and Alex, as they all enjoy making Kyle sit through all of the Star Wars movies. She even pushes past her distaste for Isobel Evans, which she’s forced to reconsider a bit anyways as she learns that some of the actions Maria so resented were really Noah acting through her. So she does her best to be kind when she makes deliveries of food and booze for Isobel and Michael. The act allows her to feel useful without immersing herself in all the alien drama or having to talk to Michael.

About six weeks after she and Michael officially ended things, she catches him lingering in the Wild Pony parking lot, a look of indecision on his face. She stops and takes stock of him for a long minute. The sharp stab of pain, anger, and guilt she’s felt previous times they’ve seen each other seems to have lessened to a dull ache. She meant it when she’d told him that she hoped they could be friends again someday, and she supposes now is as good a time as any to start. She rolls her eyes and shoves him towards the door. He gives a surprised squak, and then a flash of a relieved smile, accepting her overture. After that he makes an appearance once or twice a week, mostly with Isobel or Liz. He doesn’t sit at the bar anymore, which she appreciates, as she’s not ready for the proximity, but it doesn’t hurt as much to look at him as she feared and she has hope that it will continue to get easier.

It seems that Alex and Michael have moved past some of their uneasiness too, enough that they aren’t limiting their interaction to text and email anymore. Liz has made off-hand mention of planning sessions where Michael, Isobel, Liz, Kyle, and Alex were all present. She’s also seen them at the Crashdown together a few times, talking quietly, with a nervous energy crackling between them. Maria tries not to wonder if they’ve made their way back to each other in other ways. She wants badly not to care, but her skin still flushes when Michael catches her eye, and her body still unconsciously seeks his in the middle of the night. She knows these reflexes will fade at some point, maybe after her patented cure of random sex, different guy, which she hasn’t worked up the energy for yet, but for now it’s hard to shake.

Intellectually, she’s pretty certain Michael and Alex are not actually together, if only because she imagines the nervousness would dissipate in that case. She can’t help but notice how Alex can’t figure out what to do with his hands when Michael is near, clenching them into fists or tucking them in his pockets, as if he needs to physically restrain himself from touching. She’s not too proud to admit she does eavesdrop the times she sees them talking. When Alex senses her presence he always takes an unconscious step backwards widening the distance between them, and elevating his tone just enough to be sure she hears that the conversation is business rather than personal.

Though she doesn’t immerse herself in alien fight club, she gathers from her talks with Liz, Alex, and Kyle that slow, but steady progress has been made in the plans to resurrect Max. She stays stayed largely out of the loop, for her own sanity, but she makes sure Liz knows that if she does need to talk about it, or if Maria can be any help at all, she’ll set aside her reservations and do what she can.

That’s how, about six months after that night, which is how they all have apparently decided to refer to the night when Max died, she ends up in a dank cave, on a cold night, with claps of thunder echoing in her bones, questioning how the hell this is her life.

***

When Alex and Kyle had come into the bar just before closing two nights before, looking like death warmed over, she knew something was going on, especially when she spotted what looked like a glowing fingerprint peeking out of the neck of Alex’s shirt. She stares pointedly until he buttons it up all the way. Once she ushers out the last of the drunks, she pours tequila for all of them wordlessly, knowing she’s going to be in for a hell of a ride. The plan as they lay it out sounds a little convoluted to her ears, based off some Project Shepherd research, plus a lot of conjecture and half-baked hopes, but it’s all they’ve got.

“So, let me make sure I understand. Your research shows that strong emotions fuel alien power.”

“Yes,” Kyle answers first. “In all the experiments at Caulfield that proved true. Any strong emotions increased the effectiveness of the powers, like anger or fear.”

“Right, but also, we do know from Noah and from those experiments that killing is the most effective. But that’s out of the question?” Maria’s not sure if that’s a statement or a question.

Alex rushes to assure her. “Yes, out of the question. ‘Do no harm’ over here wouldn’t let us sacrifice my dad to the cause.” Its a testament to how far from normal they’ve strayed that Maria’s not sure if it’s a joke or not. Alex continues, “But we think that love is just as effective. In the experiments, the aliens were stronger when they were protecting others, and we know that Max brought Liz back from the dead, just on his own power, fueled by his love for her.”

“Right,” Maria continues, “So you want Michael and Isobel together, with their new healing skills, to use their love for Max to fuel his resurrection?”

“We think it’s gonna take a little more than that. Max has been dead nearly six months now. Liz had barely been gone a minute, and Max was more experienced at healing. It was his main power, not a side one, so we think they’ll need more help.”

“And this is where Liz comes in?” Maria asks. This is the part of the plan that scares her the most. This all sounds so intense and she’s not sure she wants Liz anywhere near it.

“Yes, Izzy has walked through Liz’s mind before, and when she does, she can feel Liz’s love for Max shine through her,” Kyle explains. “She thinks she can harness it, combined with her own, to boost her power. And since there’s a storm coming in two days, and Michael’s been working with electricity a lot, he’s going to try to do that Thor thing Max did.” Despite the serious nature of the conversation, Maria’s amused to see Alex shoot Kyle an approving grin, like he does anytime Kyle manages to make an accurate sci-fi reference.

Alex adds, “That’s the plan and we kind of just have to hope it works. We really can’t know until we try.”

Maria’s not confident it will, but she knows one thing: she’ll have to be there. She fixes them both with a stubborn glare they know better than to argue with. “If Liz is going to tear down her armor to flay herself open with her love for Max, I have to be there for her. If this all goes sideways, she’s going to need someone that’s in their right mind.”

“I can do that, Maria. I know all this has been hard for you. You do not have to come.” Maria knows the sentiment is coming from a good place, which is the only reason she doesn’t flip him off for his slightly patronizing tone.

“I assume Kyle is there as, you know, an actual doctor to make sure Michael and Isobel don’t kill themselves in the effort. And I’m guessing you’re directing this operation, Alex. You’ll have your hands full, so that leaves me for Liz.”

Alex relents. “I think she wanted to ask, but she didn’t want you to feel obligated.” Maria shakes her head. Sometimes she and Liz are too alike for their own good, never wanting to add to the other’s burdens.

“Ok, then it’s settled. Just tell me when I have to be there and if there’s anything else I need to know. Like for instance, why you’ve got a handprint on your shoulder, Alex.”

“Because he’s a lunatic that’s why!” Kyle exclaims in exasperation. “Just sliced his own shoulder open today when we were going through the plan with Michael and Isobel. Michael healed him, fueled by anger primarily, since this one wouldn’t stop antagonizing him. I don’t know exactly what you were trying to do.”

Alex looks down, avoiding both of their gazes. “It’s just a backup plan, but hopefully it won’t matter.”

“Backup plan?” Kyle seems as confused as Maria is. “Oh, in case love isn’t a strong enough motivator for Michael, you wanted to see if he could heal with anger motivating him?”

“Something like that,” Alex responds evasively.

He’s obviously not telling them something, but when Maria tries to pry into his feelings she feels that steel wall again, as Alex was clearly expecting her. She doesn’t love surprises, but there are more important things to focus on, so she lets it go and she, Alex, and Kyle spend the rest of the night thinking about supplies to bring to the cave to be sure they are prepared for any eventuality. With so much out of their hands, they grip tightly to what they can control.

***

As happy as Maria is that they thought to pack warm clothes and rain gear, she realizes there was no real way to prepare for this. They wait helplessly while Michael paces outside in the wind and rain, trying to figure out how Max managed to harness power from the heavens. She hopes someone has thought of a plan to tap into Michael’s love for Max, because for now he seems to be cursing his name. At last, Michael re-enters the cave and he does seem to be buzzing with energy, so something must’ve worked. Now that the plan is set in motion, Maria’s suddenly freaking out a little. She looks over at Alex and copies the slow, deep breath he takes before he starts directing everyone as they’ve practiced. Maria and Liz are stretched out on a cot against the far cave wall, far enough to not be in the way, but in Isobel’s line of sight. Maria’s positioned Liz so she is sitting between Maria’s legs, leaning back on her for support, Maria’s arms tucked tightly around Liz to ground her if channeling her love and grief becomes too much.

Maria watches as Alex dips his hand in the silver solution and pulls Max from the pod. Immediately, Isobel and Michael place their hands over Max’s heart, and Maria can feel the swirling of love coursing through the cave. The energy emanating from Michael and Isobel is intense and a little frightening. Max’s body pulsates as power surges through him, but as the continued attempts don’t push breath back into his lungs, Maria feels Michael’s frustration mount and he lets out a pained scream. Maria can tell that the frustration and love aren’t working together to fuel his power, but rather fracturing it. She looks around panicked, unsure if anyone else is aware that Michael is about to come apart at the seams. Liz has her eyes screwed shut, tears streaming down her face as she pushes bruises into Maria’s arms. Isobel has both hands plastered over Max’s heart, eyes never leaving Liz’s face, completely focused on her attempts, only love flowing through her body into Max. But Maria can feel that Michael’s love for Max is clouded by anger, frustration, and fear, and he can’t seem to focus it, as the power he channeled from the storm threatens to overwhelm him. Maria sees Kyle take an unconscious step forward, seemingly concerned about the power expenditure but unsure what to do, until Alex orders orders him to stop and step back. Maria’s panic recedes a bit as she sees a calm certainty on Alex’s face. He moves purposefully, kneeling on the other side of Max directly across from Michael.

Michael looks at him panicked, “No, Alex, get back! There’s too much… it’s too much.”

“Michael. Stop. Look at me.” Alex’s voice is a stark contrast to Michael’s: calm, but commanding. Michael seems grateful for the intervention and does as he’s told. Isobel stops her attempts too. They both look to Alex for direction.

Alex unbuttons his shirt, sliding it off one shoulder, revealing the full glowing handprint Maria saw the corner of in the bar the other day. Alex grabs Michael’s left hand, the recently healed one.

“What are you doing?” There’s still an edge of alarm to his voice, but Maria can feel that he has settled a little.

Alex looks Michael square in the eyes. “Will you trust me?”

Michael just nods and lets Alex press his left hand to the handprint. He places Michael’s right hand back next to Isobel’s over Max’s heart and directs them both to try again. Maria watches Alex close his eyes in concentration. Maria’s senses are flooded by the waves of love that she can feel Alex push into Michael. It suddenly clicks for Maria. She knows from Liz that the handprint creates a psychic bond; that she and Max could feel each other, and if Max touched the handprint, they could even share in each other’s memories. This was always Alex’s backup plan, she realizes, to use his love for Michael to fuel the resurrection, and she thinks it might be working. When Maria tries to read Michael now, she senses a shift in his entropy. His emotions were storming before, fighting against each other, but now, it’s like everything else has gone quiet, and the love pours out of him bright and strong. Michael rests his forehead against Alex’s, eyes closed, gripping Alex’s shoulder with his left hand, as his right glows red next to both of Isobel’s. She can tell he’s emitting energy and the lights they’ve set up in the cave flicker wildly, but he no longer looks as pained.

Maria’s focused so entirely on Michael, that it’s not until she’s knocked sideways as Liz suddenly leaps to her feet and throws herself at Max, that she realizes that Max’s chest is now rising and falling on its own accord. Liz is clutching at Max and sobbing, as he comes to enough to wrap his arms around her. Isobel is sagged against Kyle, who is making her drink water as he takes her vitals. Michael collapses into Alex for a moment, until Max jostles them as he attempts to sit up. They seem to remember simultaneously that they aren’t supposed to be touching each other like this, and pull apart. Michael, after assuring himself that Max seems to still be breathing steadily, rushes to Izzy’s side, nearly knocking over Valenti in the process. Isobel lets Michael hold her, but she never takes her eyes off Max, seemingly afraid to blink in case when she opens her eyes, he’ll be suspended in that pod again. Michael has an arm secured tightly around Izzy, and his eyes flicker between his siblings, but his left hand unconsciously touches his shoulder in the same spot the handprint is splayed on Alex’s.

A hand on her arm causes her to flinch and she realizes Alex has come to sit down beside her. “You ok? That was a lot.” His tone is gentle, but uncertain in a way it hasn’t been in weeks. This close she can feels even more strongly the echo of emotions from both Alex and Michael, their energies intertwined through the handprint now. Maria considers him thoughtfully, before reaching over to grip his hand. “Yeah. It was a lot.” They both know she’s not talking about the resurrection. “I didn’t realize… I guess, maybe I didn’t want to…” She trails off, staring fixedly at their joined hands. “I am sorry, you know. I don’t think I ever said that.” She can hear Alex shift uncomfortably next to her. He’s always struggled to verbalize what he’s feeling, especially when he’s vulnerable, so it’s not surprising to Maria that he doesn’t respond right away. She does think it’s progress that he doesn’t immediately wave away her apology either. They both have work to do on accepting that their own wants actually matter.

When he does speak after a long moment, he seems to choose his words carefully. “I had ten years to tell you about it, and I never did. Part of it was because it didn’t feel like just mine to tell, but mostly I didn’t know how to explain it when I haven’t really always understood. It took me a long time to even get to a place where I was ready for it.” He laughs ruefully, “As always, our timing was obviously off.” He pauses, taking one of his deep centering breaths as he always does now when he needs a minute. He continues, “I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t hard for me, that it was you and him. But, I know better than anyone how everything else can disappear when he looks at you. If you needed that, well, I get it.”

She swallows hard, before forcing herself to drag her eyes up to meet Alex’s. “It was never like that with us...for either of us.” She admits. “We both wanted it to be, I think. But we didn’t, couldn’t, find that in each other.” They’re still kind of talking around it, not able to even say Michael’s name, but she thinks maybe it’s enough for now. It’s already an emotionally draining night, maybe they don’t need to say everything that’s been left unsaid between them right this minute.

They are interrupted anyways, by Max’s exasperated shout of, “Valenti, enough. Please, I’m ok, but I’d like to get out of this cave someday.” His siblings seem to have recovered their energy enough to move to his side, obediently waiting with Liz, close enough to touch him, feel his warmth, but allowing Kyle the space to do a brief checkup. Kyle and Liz have a silent conversation over Max’s head. Maria can tell they both would prefer to drag Max to a hospital and run every test in the book to be sure he really is ok, but they know that’s an impossibility, so they agree that they should all move back to Max’s place.

They haul Max up, and he leans heavily on Kyle and Liz. Isobel and Michael are too weak to be much support, so they trail close behind, unwilling to allow Max to be too far away from them, even for the short trip to the cars. Though his focus is on Max, Maria notices Michael’s gaze unconsciously flicker towards Alex every few seconds, as she and Alex walk behind the rest of the group. Maria sees Michael’s eyes narrow in concern over Alex’s barely noticeable limp, the result likely of too little sleep and too long kneeling on the uneven cave floor. Alex doesn’t seem to notice, as he’s too busy evaluating Michael and Isobel’s stamina. She can tell that he’s primed to step forward to support either of them if they stumble, even as his own balance is a little off currently.

Once back at Max’s they all collapse exhausted in his rather spacious living room. Liz curled against one side of Max, and Isobel on the other, while Michael’s reclines in the chair across from them, looking wrecked. Alex and Maria perch on stools next to the kitchen island, watching as Kyle rushes around doling out food and drinks, always the doctor, making sure everyone’s physical needs are met, before he begs off, indicating an early shift the next day. Maria suddenly feels like an outsider, unsure of her place here anymore. Liz can’t take her eyes or her hands off Max, and really doesn’t need Maria, but for some reason she’s not ready to remove herself from this situation. It feels petty to admit it’s mostly about the way Michael and Alex are looking at each other, the connection she can feel vibrating between them. Alex’s words echo in her mind: when Michael looks at him, everything else, including her, disappears. She really wants to get to a place where she’s happy for Michael and Alex if they can figure out a way to make things work, and it frustrates her that her stomach still drops at the thought. Maria feels a headache coming on. She wonders if it’s some kind of psychic hangover, brought on by an overdose of emotion swirling all around her tonight or the result of guilt that she’s having so much trouble being the bigger person. She’s not ready to leave completely but suddenly she really needs some air. The storm has quieted, so the air is humid but comfortable as she escapes wordlessly out the side door, sinking into an Adirondack chair by the fire pit. She lights up a joint, hoping it will combat the impending headache.

After about ten minutes, as the world begins to soften around her, she hears footsteps behind her. Out of the corner of her eye, she watches Alex head for his car, not noticing her stretched out in the chair nearby. He opens the driver’s side door but before he can climb in, the door slams shut. Alex whirls around to watch Michael shuffle towards him, seemingly having further exhausted himself with even this small use of power.

“What the hell, Guerin?” There’s no bite behind Alex’s words, just exhaustion.

“You’re leaving?” Michael sounds more hurt than angry.

“I thought you would want time with your family.” Maria has a good vantage point from where she’s sitting, the outside lights illuminating the cars, leaving the fire pit in shadow. This is starting to seem like a pattern for her, being in places she’s not supposed to be, hearing things she shouldn’t be hearing. But just like that day in the Crashdown, she’s glued to her seat.

“I thought you said you were my family.” Michael’s voice is quiet now that he’s made his way to the car and is leaning sideways against it, facing Alex. Alex sighs and takes a step towards Michael halving the distance between them.

“I am.” He replies, just as softly. “I was just trying to give you a little space.” Maria can see the familiar tension in his hands as he clenches them tightly behind his back.

Michael inches closer. “What if I don’t want space?” Maria can feel a surge of hope from Alex, even from this distance, followed by an immediate attempt to squash it. Michael continues, “I don’t think you do either. The handprint, it doesn’t lie.” He says it like a statement, but Maria can hear a questioning, insecure lilt to his tone.

Alex lets out another long breath, still working to keep his emotions in check. “Guerin, you’ve been through a lot tonight. Not just tonight, the last few months have been intense. What I showed you in the cave? That was the truth, that’s how I feel. But what you’re feeling right now? Liz told me that the handprint, it links us, links our emotions. So you’re feeling an echo of what I feel for you. It’ll fade in a few days, and you’ll remember all the reasons why you didn’t want to do this.”

“Come on, Alex. You’ve never needed a psychic handprint to know what I feel for you.” Michael shakes his head slightly, a fond exasperation on his face. “I still haven’t looked away.”

Maria’s not sure if she wants to roll her eyes or swoon. Jesus, Michael was never big with the declarations with her, but with Alex apparently he talks like he’s in a fucking Lifetime movie. The implications of his words sting a bit, but they are just a confirmation of what she already knew.

Michael reaches out, hooking a finger in Alex’s belt loop and tugging him even closer. Maria senses Alex’s resistance start to crumble. She feels a little like a voyeur, but there’s no way she’s leaving now.

“Michael,” Alex breathes. “I meant it when I said I wanted to start over, build things up the right way. But since then, we still haven’t really talked. About Caulfield, or Maria, or so many other things. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. Crashing back together or falling apart in the wake of traumatic and emotional events.”

“You called me Michael.” Michael sounds like he might actually cry. “That feels like progress. Can’t we just...forget the rest for right now? Just for tonight?”

Maria sees the instant Alex loses the battle he’s been fighting with himself, unlacing his fingers from behind his back and bringing a hand up to cup Michael’s jaw. “Ok,” Alex relents. “For tonight. And then we’ll talk?” Michael barely pauses to nod, as he slides a hand into Alex’s hair and surges forwards, kissing Alex like he needs him to breath. They grip each other tightly, swaying together for a beat before pulling apart just far enough to press their foreheads together, a mirror of their position earlier in the cave.

“Nauseating isn’t it?” Maria’s been so engrossed, she completely missed Isobel making her way outside until she’s collapsing in the chair next to her, plucking the joint from Maria’s hand and taking a long draw. Maria gapes at her as she continues, voice low, seemingly not wanting to be caught spying anymore than Maria does. “I feel like I have a freaking psychic hangover from the love fest going on inside, and now I come out to this.” Isobel waves her hand in Michael and Alex’s general direction, a look of annoyance on her face.

Maria lets out a startled laugh, before clapping a hand over her mouth. Luckily Michael and Alex don’t seem to have noticed. Michael leans heavily on Alex now, his head tucked against Alex’s neck, Alex’s arms wound protectively around Michael, as he braces himself against the car. Isobel looks at her questioningly. “I was thinking the exact same thing earlier,” Maria explains in a hushed tone. “It’s why I came out here actually. All that love swirling around gave me a headache. The pot helps.” Maria snags the joint back from Isobel taking another hit.

Isobel studies her appraisingly, as though she’s really seeing Maria for the first time. “Oh right, you’re kind of psychic too. Guess we have more in common than just our pathetic love lives.” Maria feels like she should be offended both by the ‘kind of’ and the crack about her love life, but god help her, Maria’s always had such a fondness for sass, so it really only endears Isobel to her.

She’s not sure if it’s the pot, the exhaustion, or the sense of connection that seems to have sprung up between them that leads her to ask, “With Noah, did everything else disappear when he looked at you?”

Isobel considers for a minute. “No,” she says finally. “It never did. I loved him; I wish I didn’t, but I did. But he wasn’t my person. I could never be myself with him, so I could never relax enough for that.”

“Yeah,” Maria agrees quietly.

Isobel seems surprised and embarrassed by her momentarily bout of honesty. She regains her composure quickly, returning to her regular snarky coolness. “Sorry though, your failed three month experiment of playing house with my brother kind of pales in comparison to my five year marriage to a serial killer who violated my body and mind to murder people.” Maria’s read Isobel before, but nothing she saw or felt from her during that reading is as illuminating as the edge of vulnerability that sneaks into her caustic tone.

Maria picks her words carefully knowing that this tentative bond will be snapped if Isobel senses even a trace of pity. Suddenly that’s something she really doesn’t want. “Wow, you really are a bitch,” Maria comments, keeping her voice light. “Luckily, I kind of love it.” Maria’s pleased when Isobel gives her another surprised and approving once over. Apparently Maria’s not the only one who appreciates sass.

“So, do you want to keep sitting here watching your ex-boyfriend and your best friend cosmically reconnect, or do you want to break into Max’s study where he keeps the good scotch?” Isobel offers. Maria allows herself one more glance over at Michael and Alex. They haven’t moved, still wrapped up in one another. For a moment she’s able to view them as an objective observer; the contentment radiating off of them both, the sense of peace they seem to find in each other, warms her heart. She forces herself to look away, before reality crashes back in. She pulls her gaze back to Isobel instead, transfixed for a moment by the way her blond hair gleams in the moonlight like a beacon. Maria gives her head a shake to clear it and throws Isobel a dazzling smile. “By all means, lead the way.”

#roswell new mexico fic #malex fic #maribel #if you squint #kylex friendship #maria deluca pov #my fic #soberqueerinthewild fic

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lune1004 · 5 years

Text

i know im late but hbd oiks!!!! this is something i’ve been wanting to write for a while now, but i tweaked quite a bit bc i kinda want to write some of the idea into a full length fic some time later. also, this is also in hinata’s pov, sth i decided on the last minute.

title: pretty young thing

summary: kageyama has been real acting weird lately. hinata just wants to know why.

you could also read them on ao3! https://archiveofourown.org/works/19895578

hinata doesn’t know how he knows, he just does. he doesn’t even know why he even he thought of it in the first place. it irritates him that he doesn’t even know what exactly is going on but he knows this: kageyama has been weird lately.

“how weird, hinata-kun?”

yachi enquires whilst bringing her drink, strawberry latte, to her lips. yachi has always liked sweet stuffs, hinata notes. they’re gathered in a quaint café in town, just after everyone has finished their lectures. it’s only him and kageyama that go to the same university, under sports scholarship. the rest of them are pursuing different majors in different universities. still, they make it a point to meet at least once a week to catch up. it was hinata who brought it up first, antsy of not knowing what the rest of them are up to. yachi readily agreed, her camera bouncing along with her in excitement. yamaguchi too, seemed pleased with the idea. kageyama and tsukishima being kageyama and tsukishima naturally declined on autopilot.

“i’m gonna be a real fucking menace if you’re not going to join the weekly meet up, assholes.”

“aren’t you already one now?”

“just how much more of a menace can you be, hinata?”

safe to say, the convincing wasn’t easy. it took threats of bodily harm and loud shrieking as well as the promise to haunt them in their dreams that the two reluctantly agreed.

“it’s the king, he’s always weird.” tsukishima muses, shrugging his shoulders while stirring his straw in his drink. “you’re wasting all of our time if it’s about the precious king and his weirdness we’re going to scrutinize right now.”

hinata grimaces; he pushes his unfinished chocolate cake to the side and leans forward. “i’m telling you! he’s been weird as hell. he comes back late even though practice ended early, he’s almost always on his phone and- and get this!” he looks around the café hesitantly, as if he’s not careful enough, the subject of their conversation will materialize in front of them and strangle him. “he smiles often now!” hinata shudders.

tsukishima snorts. “so kageyama being happy is foreign to you?”

“you know how scary his smile is!”

yachi stifles a laugh behind her palm. “i’m sure kageyama-kun is fine, maybe he’s just busy and has a lot to do?” she cuts a portion of the cholocate cake that hinata has pushed aside and brings it to her mouth. “plus, you know how engrossed he is when he watches volleyball videos.”

“but it’s different!” hinata argues, eyebrows drawn tight, like he’s exasperated and puzzled about the new side he’s seeing of kageyama. “it really is!”

yamaguchi scratches his nose. “maybe he’s just seeing someone?” it’s the first time since they’ve arrived that yamaguchi offers a thought.

“HAAAAAAAAAAA?”

yamaguchi winces at the sound. tsukishima clicks his tounge, annoyed. yachi is so surprised by the sudden sound that her drink sloshes and spills on the table. trust hinata and his capability to be loud and not mind whatever environment that they’re in.

“bakayama? seeing someone? him?” he knows he sound incredulous, voice notching higher at every question he’s thrown but he can’t help it. it’s kageyama we’re talking about. that guy would not even spare you a second glance if you’re not his close friends or his teammates or anything that’s not related to volleyball. he doesn’t even know if kageyama has even thought of relationships or some sort! that guy is too narrow-minded on volleyball to be thinking about anything else. it’s just weird.

tsukishima lets out a pained groan and continues to wipe the strawberry latte that spilled on the table. “even if that is the case, what’s the problem?”

“it’s impossible. i’ve never seen kageyama with a girl before!”

yachi hums, “maybe it’s not a girl?”

hinata doesn’t know what’s going on but he knows this: he’s going to get to the bottom of it. if kageyama is really seeing someone, why doesn’t he know about it? whyis kageyama being secretive about it? they’ve shared everything! well. maybe kageyama doesn’t, and it’s just him babbling about anything and everything under the sun to his unwilling ears, but still! they’re best friends, aren’t they? oh my god. are they not?

no. they are best friends, hinata just needs to give him space. that’s what yamaguchi advised few days ago at the café anyway. “if he’s not ready to tell us, then best to not push him. he’ll come around eventually won’t he?”

but it’s just so weird! even now, as he makes his way to the address that tanaka-senpai texted earlier for a get together with the old karasuno team, kageyama is not going there with him. they’re roommates for god’s sake! they’re almost always do things together, and now kageyama won’t even go to gatherings with thim.

“i’m going first. i’ll meet you there.” is what kageyama had told him at 5pm. hinata didn’t have it in him then to comment that the get together is at 9pm. he also didn’t comment on the fact that kageyama had dressed up real nice. a crisp blue button down, sleeves rolled up and black pants. it’s weird; at their gatherings, he’d always wear his joggers.

wait.

hinata momentarily stops in his steps.

is kageyama mad at him? he knew he should’ve washed the dishes earlier. is that it? or is it because of the mountain of laundry that he time after time again, promised to fold but didn’t? is that it? hinata gasps. is it because he didn’t receive his tosses as good lately?

he starts walking again.

no, no, that couldn’t be it. kayegama would’ve already screamed in his ear if he’s been sloppy during practice. he’s so preoccupied with his thoughts that he doesn’t realize he’s bumped into a warm body in front of him. “ah, i’m so sor- sugawara-san!”

“hinata! it’s so good to see you.” sugawara is always full of smiles and warmth.

“i’ve missed you, sugawara-san. it’s been too long.” hinata says, pretending to sniffle. “it’s been hard without the senpais.”

sugawara laughs and slaps hinata’s back lightly. “you’re in university already, hinata. of course we wouldn’t be there with you physically.”

“also, didn’t we meet just last month at your match against chuo university?” sugawara says and he clasps both of hinata’s shoulders and pushes him inside of the restaurant.

“oh, yes, yes we did.” hinata nods and whistles. “grand king was ruthless, huh. kageyama was so fired up during the match, it was insane. did you see his serves? he was amazing.”

before sugawara could reply, there was a loud bang to their right. “OIIIIII HINATA, SUGAWARA-SAN, OVER HERE. OVER HERE.”

if there was anybody who is louder than hinata, it’s tanaka. no, scratch that, it’s tanaka andnishinoya. when the three of them joins forces, everyone is advised to please bring their earpieces with them to block the sound out.

“TANAKA-SENPAI.” ah, here we go. sugawara sighs fondly.

hinata jogs to the table where most of his high school teammates are with sugawara trailing behind him. “oh! there’s iwaizumi-san too! hello.”

iwaizumi nods. “we’re celebrating oikawa’s birthday then we bumped into the rest of karasuno, so we thought, why not join and eat together?”

hinata takes his seat beside tanaka, sandwhiching himself in between tanaka and nishinoya. “oh? it’s grand king’s birthday today?”

“where is he?” daichi asks, picking apart the cucumbers in his dish and putting it aside.

the guy, hinata doesn’t remember his name, the one in aoba johsai’s team, machi? momo? matsukawa? sighs exasperatedly. “he says he’s going to be late. it’s his birthday we’re celebrating; can you believe he’s late to his own birthday celebration? the nerve of that guy.”

another one that hinata doesn’t remember but knows he was a third year with oikawa, iwaizumi and the previous guy, mitsu? maki? hums. “he’s been weird lately, don’t you think?”

this time, it is nishinoya who questions: “how weird?”

hinata thinks his name is maki. maki sighs. “i don’t know. he’s just… weird. i don’t know how to explain it. it’s not like his form his deteriorating, in fact, he’s better? he’s just so competitive and fired up lately during our volleyball practices and matches. like… like’s he’s in this some sort of weird competition with somebody, always wanting to prove something to someone.”

matsu, hinata thinks its matsu, agrees. “come to think of it, he doesn’t hang out with us as much lately, don’t you think? he’s always running off somewhere.”

“oh! he’s always on his phone too!” maki chimes in, a chopstick at his chin, as if he’s in deep thought. “he buys milk lately too, he doesn’t even drinkmilk.”

hinata may not be smart. but, the gears in his mind is turning very fast to process all this new information about their supposed ex-captain of their high school rival. before he could ask, “grand king is behaving weird too?” he was cut by loud gasp from the both of them.

“what do you think, iwaizumi? he’s weird, isn’t he? is he ok? he’s been engrossed in aliens isn’t he? is he- is he…”

“abducted? and a clone is replacing him?”

tsukishima snickers from beside yamaguchi. “ah, how foolish.” that comment makes hinata more perplexed. is there something he doesn’t know? well, it’s obvious that there’s somethingwrong. it’s long wide before his eyes go wide and he stammers out, “they’ve been poisoned, haven’t they! that’s why they’re so weird! you know, kageyama is weird too!”

iwaizumi doesn’t know how long he could keep up with this. his headache is threatening to form whenever he’s surrounded with idiots. “even if i have my suspicions on that guy, i’m not going to say it.”

“what, why?” the three of them whines. no, five of them. he could hear nishinoya’s and tanaka’s voices weaving through.

“ah, speaking of the devils.” tsukishima smirks, nodding at the entrance of the restaurant. true enough, oikawa enters the restaurant with kageyama behind him. oikawa waves cheerily at the table. “oh my, is everyone here going to celebrate my birthday? how generous!”

iwaizumi rolls his eyes. “thank you, your highness. for finally gracing us peasants with your presence. it’s not like we’ve been waiting a long time; no. we have not.”

“why iwa-chan! a king is never late. it’s always the servants that’s early, don’t you think?”

hinata notes that grand king is dressed real nice too. a cream silk shirt, with two tops unbutton that lets everyone see his gold chains. his black dress pants hug his legs nicely too. hinata furrows his eyebrows. it’s just so weird. hinata finds it more puzzling when instead of sitting beside him, like he always does, kageyama is sitting at the end of the shared table, next to sugawara. it’s even more weird when oikawa takes the seat in front of kageyama, besides maki. doesn’t he always sit next to iwaizumi? his head hurts with all this confusion. it has to be the aliens, right? he’s heard all about the area 51 lately. he shudders and prays the aliens will give the old kageyama back.

“how come you’re together?” this time, it is asahi who asks.

“it’s just a coincidence. we bumped into each other along the way.” is what oikawa replies.

ah, whatever. he could think about all of this later. maybe when the drinks are already in his system and he’s out of it, he could ask kageyama about it. kageyama can’t hit him if he asks him when he’s drunk, right? he’s innocent and defenseless! “let’s drink up for grand king’s birthday!”

series of congratulations and clinks of glasses fill the air.

the tables are rowdy with two teams sharing stories and cracking jokes.

hinata is buzzed, he feels good, he feels light.

he feels even better when he remembers that kageyama is a lightweight. it’s a surprise to everyone when they first had a drink together, seeing kageyama swaying side to side, dazed, just after his second cup. it’s not much of a surprise that he has less of a filter when he’s sober. it is, however, disconcerting to discover that kageyama basically just compliments everyone when he’s drunk. in a kageyama way, of course. but a compliment is a compliment, right? even more so when it comes from kageyama, someone who is so awkward he could make a baby cry by just looking at them.

when kageyama first complimented tanaka on his drunken haze, tanaka was so shocked, he nearly cried. “you’re such a good energy to the team, tanaka-senpai.”

“i really don’t get why you’re bald, though. aren’t you still young? where’s your hair?” asahi and sugawara had to physically hold tanaka back from kicking him, fires in his eyes.

“pick one, you asshole! are you complementing me or insulting me.”

kageyama only blinked at him in return.

and now, hinata is pretty sure that kageyama is drunk because he has been complimenting maki and matsu. giggling at the thought of scouring information from kageyama himself about this whole weird situation, he feels refreshed. more courageous. he psyches himself up. he can do this.

the rest of the tables are minding their own business mingling around with each other, hinata learns. so it’s his chance to bring the attention to kageyama and get the answer to all of this!

when he turns over his left to where kageyama is, he giggles when he finds kageyama’s face is flushed. eyes daze, lightly swaying. his giggles stop when he sees kageyama staring at oikawa. ah, hinata thinks. he’s going to compliment the grand king, huh. well, it can’t be helped. hinata supposes even when you’re rivals, complimenting him on his birthday wouldn’t hurt, right?

he snickers and turns away from them to chug down his drink and give kageyama the time for his drunk-compliment. kageyama is probably going to compliment him on his serve, or how good the game was last month, or. hinata doesn’t think kageyama will ask him to teach to serve, again, right? he knows he’s drunk, but even then, kageyama wouldn’t be that idiotic, right?

instead of all those, what he hears are: “you’re pretty oikawa-san. you’re really pretty. really really really pretty.”

WAIT.

PAUSE.

REWIND.

for a moment, he thinks he’s got a whiplash from how fast he turns to his left. what he sees sends his mind reeling. there, on the far end of the table, is dazed kageyama, is drunk kageyama, is breathless kageyama, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on oikawa’s lips.

WAIT.

WHAT IS GOING ON.

hinata opens his mouth to yell. closes it. opens it again, saying absolutely nothing. far too stunned to say anything for the first time in a long time. when he comes back to himself, he whirls around the table to see if anyone else is seeing what he’s seeing. but nobody besides himself is paying attention. he even wonders if oikawa is alright with his rival just casually kissing him and calling him pretty?! hinata feels a headache incoming. should- should he help kageyama? what if he’s just embarrassing himself and oikawa is going to humiliate him later, infront of everyone else? his heart beats too loud for himself to think. he has to help kageyama, he has to, he has-

but when he turns back to the two, kageyama is already longingly looking up at oikawa. he has his head leaned on his outstretched arms on the table, half of his upper body relaxing on top of the table. he’d never thought kageyama could look like that at anyone. he faintly hears kageyama mutters a “happy birthday, oikawa-san.”

as soon as kageyama wishes him, oikawa scoffs fondly. “just how many times are you going to congratulate me, tobio?”

hinata cocks his head to the left. huh, there’s no –chan?

for some time now, he knows he shouldn’t be intruding. but he doesn’t know why can’t bring himself to look away. especially when oikawa threads his fingers in kageyama’s and smiling softly down at him. hinata finally forces himself to look away when oikawa caresses kageyama’s cheek and dipping down to kiss him.

“you understand now?” a gruff voice asks him. hinata searches for the face of that voice. it’s iwaizumi.

oh.

it makes sense, now that hinata thinks it back.

one, kageyama is never in a bad mood whenever they have a match with chuo’s university, not even when he’s lost.

two, kageyama doesn’t come back to their apartment one night, and when he comes to morning practice the next day, he is wearing this hideous mint shorts that could not possibly belongs to him. just who the hell decided to go to the store and buy mint-colored anything? its outrages if you ask hinata.

three, he’s just generally in a good mood lately. he mentally takes back the comment about how his smile is scary.

four, he’s somehow interested in planetariums and aliens? hinata found it really weird when he accidentally stumbled upon kageyama’s open laptop and tokyo’s planetarium website flashes on.

five, he once heard kageyama asked yachi, in hushed whispers, what to do when he doesn’t quite like this person latching on this other person. hinata rolled his eyes then, and asking him if he was jealous. the blush on kageyama’s face should’ve been a dead giveaway, then. he isn’t sure why he didn’t pick it up at the time.

he thinks he understands now. kageyama’s not being weird. he’s just. in love.

#oikage #happy birthday oikawa #love my in love babies so much T_T

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nascentflash · 5 years

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never-ending survey: j’lihmu

RULES: Repost, do not reblog. Tag 10 blogs!

tagged by:@violet-warder (thank you so much!)

tagging: honestly? anyone that wants to do it! (i don’t know who actually got tagged already) you are more than welcomed to tag me :>

BASICS.

FULL NAME : J’lihmu Rhatni

NICKNAME : Crimson, Li

AGE : 25

BIRTHDAY : 19th Sun of the Third Astral Moon (5/19)

ETHNIC GROUP : Miqo’te (Seeker of the Sun)/ Elezen (Wildwood)

NATIONALITY : Ul’Dahn

LANGUAGE / S : Common, a hit of Hingan/Doman (broken)

SEXUAL ORIENTATION : Demisexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION : Panromantic

RELATIONSHIP STATUS : Taken (Single in some AUs)

HOME TOWN / AREA : Abalathia’s Spine/Sky Frost

CURRENT HOME : The Lavender Beds — a small home she bought herself.

PROFESSION : Hunter, mercenary, the good ol’ Warrior of Light resume being handed out.

PHYSICAL.

HAIR : Naturally red with orange highlights.

EYES : A bright green.

FACE : Resting bitch face syndrome, always /annoyed, slightly round.

LIPS :Full, tinted with the same color as her eye paint.

COMPLEXION : Slightly tanned.

BLEMISHES :None.

SCARS : Littered across her body, reminder of the victories — or losses — she always came out alive.

TATTOOS : Tattoos litter her form, it is part of her tribe back home. Her arms are covered, legs, and back.

HEIGHT : 5′2″.

WEIGHT : 143lbs.

BUILD : Athletic.

FEATURES : Large, somewhat almond shaped eyes, small, slightly refined nose, both ears pierced and longer than the normal miqo’te.

ALLERGIES : None.

USUAL HAIR STYLE : When long — messy, unkempt until told otherwise. A large braid would encompass a portion of her hair, and the other wild and free. Sometimes in a large, messy bun when she’s working, or doing anything out of battle. Short — has now a tendency to keep it up to date with oils and minerals, making sure her hair is looking better than before. She would not have it in a braid, with the exception of one on her side or most of her hair swept away from her face.

USUAL FACE LOOK : Thick painted eye-makeup, whether blue (for her tribe) or red (for herself), lips tinted red. Besides that, she has no other make up on her whatsoever. It is rare to see her without her tribal paint unless she’s at home, relaxing.

USUAL CLOTHING : Leather, furs/coats, jewelry made from bones of bears long dead from her home. However, she adapts and changes depending where she is. Example; in Kugane, she is seen wearing more of their traditional outfits in some instances, but will always opt for the good ol’ tank top and shorts if she can get away with it. Yes, even under the kimono.

PSYCHOLOGY.

FEAR / S : Failure (more so towards her WoL than anything else), falling to her Inner Beast, death— in a sense.

ASPIRATION / S : To achieve greatness and be worthy of remembrance outside the confines of her tribe. To eventually help lead a line of new, young warriors from her tribe.

POSITIVE TRAITS : Confident, resourceful, passionate, outspoken.

NEGATIVE TRAITS : Short-tempered, impatient, competitive, ruthless.

MBTI : ESTP-A/ESTP-T

ZODIAC : Azeyma (?T-Taurus?)

TEMPERAMENT : Choleric.

SOUL TYPE / S : Warrior.

ANIMALS : Bear.

VICE HABIT / S : Isolation, punching the wall a couple of times until her knuckles bleed in anger, running head on in battle and not tending to her wounds.

FAITH : Questionable, leaning on no beliefs.

GHOSTS ? : Yes.

AFTERLIFE ? : Believer.

REINCARNATION ? : Believer.

ALIENS ? : ????

POLITICAL ALIGNMENT : The only time she gave a shit is when things started going down in Ishgard, just to be spiteful to Ul’Dah later honestly. Would care for her tribes political shenanigans, but thats about it.

EDUCATION LEVEL : Home-schooled in a sense. Her father and the elders of the village taught her all she knows to a point.

FAMILY.

FATHER : Close.

MOTHERS : Estranged, trying her best tm.

SIBLINGS : ...Complicated (Half-siblings are a handful)

EXTENDED FAMILY : Many, but she does not know her mother’s side, only her father’s.

NAME MEANING / S : Her name has no meaning, but, if you asked her father—J’zahlu would say it reminded him of the sun.

HISTORICAL CONNECTION ? : No..?

FAVORITES.

BOOK : Intricate pages describing worlds she will never know.

DEITY : Azeyma.

HOLIDAY : Starlight Celebration.

MONTH : October.

SEASON : Autumn.

PLACE : Mountaintops with caves, deep within, a system of caves that lead you to the deepest part of home.

WEATHER : Sunny and cloudy days.

SOUND / S: The sound of metal clashing unto one another, the sound of rain hitting the earth.

SCENT / S : Damp caverns, burnt fur, perfumes.

TASTE / S : Sweets, orange, blood.

FEEL / S : Fur, cold floor, rough skin, broken wood.

ANIMAL / S : Bears, hunting hawks, paissa — who is now her son, don’t @ me

NUMBER : 18.

COLORS : Vermilion, black, gold, aquamarine, orange.

EXTRA.

TALENTS : Existing, hunting, beating people at bars, talking shit about powerful people because she knows she can’t be killed, headbutting is her specialty.

BAD AT : Loss, dancing, drinking — she will fall asleep or drunk fight, who knows.

TURN ONS : Men — large hands, broad build, scars, messy hair, independent. Women — someone who can kick ass, makes her laugh, independent.

TURN OFFS : Attention-seekers, arrogance, stupidity, carelessness — basically what she does what else is new.

HOBBIES :Hunting, people watching, trying to be a good blacksmith, mining — it’s therapeutic.

TROPES : Green-Eyed Redhead, Fiery Redhead, An Axe to Grind [idk a lot im baby]

QUOTES : “If one more noble attempts to be snotty with me, he’s about to get his ass ripped open by my axe.”

MUN QUESTIONS.

Q1 : If you could write your character your way in their own movie, what would it be called, what style would it be filmed in, and what would it be about?

—The Lost Crucible, it would be filmed like a documentary, so to speak, switching from third POV [narrator] to first POV [dumb catgirl] that would be finding out about her tribe, and the trial young warriors go through.

Q2 : What would their soundtrack/score sound like?

— Songs that remind you of a time when you’re one in nature; drums that give you that itch to move and dance to the beat, to appease the old and new gods, whatever you believe in. It would be of her home — where the village barely touches the heavens itself.

Q3 : Why did you start writing this character?

— I did it in a way to sort of make a new oc from an old oc, so to speak. The OG version, as you could call it, is vastly different and I kept making lots of jokes with her when I name changed and eventually she just started to slowly build up.

Q4 : What first attracted you to this character?

— It’s a mixture of self insert, so finding a way to incorporate stuff into my own character is what sort of ... made her my lovable daughter. She’s not all self-insert, her attitude, her anger, her sorrow, her accomplishments and failures and imagines on how she would deal with X and Y is just absolutely fascinating for me and having a fierce miqo’te hailing from the snowy mountain tops of Abalathia’s Spine who’s tiny with a big axe is my aesthetic okay.

Q5 : Describe the biggest thing you dislike about your muse.

— Her desire to keep things quiet until the last second—mostly when it’s about her. Anything related to her life, her health, her problems, she’d rather deal with them alone. Even if there’s been major character improvement, there are some things she does not feel comfortable sharing, or letting people in. Her desire for more power so she can finally be at peace.

Q6 : What do you have in common with your muse?

— We are both stubborn bitches. However, she deals with things far better than I ever could, as I am baby. Similar in arrogance, and in anger — to a point.

Q7 : How does your muse feel about you?

— She’d fucking kick my ass. I think she would appreciate me, and not be as bully as with others — not because I am her mun, but more so as I think we’d clash a lot but get along quite well, too.

Q8 : What characters does your muse have interesting interactions with ?

— I, unfortunately haven’t had a lot of interactions with Li trying to be nice, or fight somebody but— people like her, who are broken yet continue on. Who carry a mantle too big to carry and they do it anyways. Fighters that only know how to fight, when she eventually wants peace, but that will never leave her soul. People so nice that it makes her want to protect them; to view the world the way they see it. Warriors, even if they are not from the same village, are all brethren to one another and the desire to meet and see how they live out their lives — just a handful of stuff in my head I’d like to see.

That and a bar fight, she really is the one who would start a bar fight drunk or angry okay. Also nobles. She sort of hates them cause of her mom but then eventually doesn’t and it’s awkward asf.

Q9 : What gives you inspiration to write your muse ?

—Vikings, Game of Thrones aesthetics of the Dothraki tribe, anything tribal honestly. The existential dread that is Nier: Automata, some Fire Emblem aesthetics, a lot of stuff honestly.

Q10 : How long did this take you to complete ?

— I STARTED YESTERDAY. I finished late today cause my last two braincells hate everything

#long post #thanks for the tag!#that took way longer than it should've but i am dumb #c; J'Lihmu Rhatni #answered prompt;

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wunderlass · 5 years

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I have a theory

…it might not be bunnies

Nah, this theory is about that mysterious fourth alien. I’m actually kind of committed to this one, though if it is true could potentially be a little underwhelming, for reasons I’ll explain. Buckle up folks, this is a long one.

First, what do we know about the fourth alien? As of episode 10, that he’s not white, and he’s male (based on what Racist Hank says, and what possessed!Isobel says in the cave). Now, either of these things could be walked back, but I think the latter is the most likely to be definite. Out of the horse’s mouth and all. And if it’s not a character we’ve already met it’s going to be the worst reveal ever, produced by people who don’t understand how to construct a drama series. I’m pretty sure that’s not the case.

We actually have quite a few non-white male characters (yay diversity!), but some we can rule out quite easily. Alex and Kyle, we’ve seen too much from their POV for it to make sense as them. You’d have to spend an entire episode trying to explain how it made sense. Plus, Rosa wasn’t exactly Alex’s type.

Then there’s Papa Ortecho, which is extremely ridiculous, and Jim Valenti is ruled out on account of being dead. I guess surprise resurrection/fake death isn’t impossible but we’ve already established that Jim wanted to help Rosa because she was his daughter, not because he wanted to bang her (ye gods).

So who does that actually leave?

The obvious answer is Noah. And this is still a possibility, though I don’t want it to be true, and I don’t think it will be. But the show has written Noah with enough of a clean slate about his history to make him being an alien possible. There are questions about some of his behaviour that has people uneasy.

It would be easy to explain why Noah married Isobel but never revealed himself to her. Plenty of other people have pointed out the dropped breadcrumbs over the course of the series so far, and I noticed in this last episode that we cut from Racist Hank telling Max that the mysterious man (i.e. murder suspect) he saw was not white, to a shot of Noah at the beginning of the next scene.

Classic foreshadowing. We’ll all watch this back and go “of course!”, of course?

Maybe. We might even get a double twist, where Noah is revealed to be the fourth alien…but then, actually no he’s just being possessed by then.

So if I don’t think Noah is the fourth alien, who is left? Who’s my suspect?

Well, some of you might not even remember this character, because he’s only been seen in one episode.

Let me take a step back here. We have some basic physical characteristics of the fourth alien but precious little else. For his motivation, we only know that he’s obsessed with Rosa. And therefore must know her before he started possessing Isobel to get close to her.

Why do that? Why hide as somebody else instead of trying to be with Rosa in your own body?

Because she already knows you. And she already cut you out of her life.

Frederico is old news.

Rosa and Frederico were an item, we don’t know for how long, and when Rosa decided to get clean she cut Frederico out. We’ve only really heard about the relationship from her, and it suggests that maybe this was a pairing that was as much about the substances they took together as any deep connection. Rosa certainly wasn’t mourning the break-up. But we have no idea how he feels about it.

Rosa’s speech on the gazebo in episode ten talks about people not being willing to see you in a different light if you’ve changed. In context this seems to be very much about Rosa herself, and possessed!Isobel seems to be agreeing. But there might be a deeper meaning here, in hindsight, where the fourth alien wants Rosa to see them in a different light, to give them another chance, and the only way they can do that is by becoming someone else.

You’re probably wondering how the hell I jumped to this conclusion, and the answer is because of that cave scene. The one where Rosa is frantically searching for her backpack, and possessed!Isobel confirms she’s hidden it, so Rosa can’t leave town.

This means the backpack is not in that cave when Rosa dies. We also know that after Isobel passes out, she doesn’t have another blackout, meaning she did not go back to put the bag back into the cave. Yet Frederico turns up in episode four with this backpack he supposedly found in the turquoise mines (the spot where Rosa died).

I believe he had it all along.

I think he loved Rosa, was devastated when she chose rehab over him, and discovered a way of spending time with her without her realising, in order to win her round. To prove that he wasn’t who she assumed he was.

It’s strange that he would return the bag to Liz when she contacted him, but it’s likely he thought Liz still believed the cover story about Rosa’s death. The mention of a 12 step programme might even be true, possibly very recent. He may even feel genuine remorse about Rosa’s death—in fact, I think the murders are probably a grief-stricken bender, since they started when she died. If he imprinted onto Rosa like Max and Michael did with their human loved ones, then killing Rosa has not done his psyche any good.

Frederico’s past as an addict also means he will have connections among the people he’s been killing. The Wild Pony as a place to hangout will come from his time as Rosa’s boyfriend, and if he spiralled into further addiction in the years since her death, then going to the nights with free food is where he met his victims. He’ll have been one of the regular crowd.

Everything that’s happened recently is him covering his tracks, especially if he thinks the truth about Rosa’s death is starting to unravel. He’s probably behind Jim Valenti’s death and Mimi’s illness too.

Now, as to why I think Frederico is a disappointing choice: he’s only appeared in one episode and most of us have forgotten about his existence. Not the strongest twist. He could have made a few more appearances, even just in the background at the Wild Pony, to make it less “who he?” if it is him.

As for where he came from: another pod, we just don’t know where. I will add a sub-theory here that I am less convinced about.

The pod squad were very young when they emerged and obviously barely remember it, if they remember it at all (Max needed to ask his mother about that time period). We know there were three children in the group home when the Evanses went to adopt a child, one of which was a little boy who was drawing the beacon symbol on the wall. Max and Isobel were adopted, and Michael went into the foster system, to become the victim of neglect and abuse. He didn’t reconnect with Max and Isobel until years later.

I suspect Frederico is also a product of the foster system, and it led him down a path of addiction himself. His only shining light was Rosa Ortecho.

It’s also possible that the little boy Mrs Evans remembers meeting – the one drawing the beacon – was not Michael. It was Frederico.

Possessed!Isobel drew that beacon on the bandstand. We’ve never seen Michael inclined to replicate that symbol, nor Isobel. Just Max and the fourth alien. Maybe Michael grew out of it. Or maybe it wasn’t him at all. And that’s why Mrs Evans never made the link between the little boy she left behind, and the curly-haired man her children forged such a connection with as they grew older.

I still think Michael was found with them, and was in that group home at the time. But I believe that the boy Mrs Evans noticed was Frederico, who perhaps had been languishing there even longer. And where Michael had a small family he was able to return to, and find strength in, even when his life was at is worst, Frederico had nobody. He thought he was all alone, until he met and fell in love with Rosa Ortecho. But even she turned her back on him.

It’s almost enough to make you feel sorry for him. The murderous bastard.

#roswell new mexico #deconstruct away!

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fae-fucker · 6 years

Text

Zenith: Chapter 10

More new content! The Shinsay gods have been generous to us this day.

We’re in Lira’s POV. Oh, goodie.

Lira’s surname is apparently Mette, and she thinks about how much she hates Dex, which is apparently an alien feeling to her because she’s been taught to repress hatred.

Breck says that they need to escape and help Andi.

“And how do you propose we do that?” Lira asked.

The words weren’t harsh, but rather, inquisitive.

Knowledge, along with peace, was another trait Adhiran citizens were encouraged to pursue above all else. The desire to learn and grow, questioning the world around them at every given moment.

Asking how the fuck they’re gonna get out of being captured means that Lira is showing off her thirst for knowledge?

This is the logic of a child. This is how a child would write exposition.

Shinsay, two grownass women, one that reads book for a living and another that writes them, can’t even do shitty exposition right.

“I think,” Gilly said across from them, somewhere in the darkness, “that we should shove Breck down the ladder and let her crush those Patrolmen until all that’s left is their awful souls.”

Hey Gilly? Do me a favor and never ever open your damn mouth again.

Thanks.

Lira thinks about all the dead bodies surrounding them and she’s disgusted and frustrated.

She didn’t believe in killing, didn’t believe in taking lives senselessly and sending the souls on to their next lives.

Which is why she joined up with an infamous space pirate called the Bloody Baroness.

It just makes too much sense, is the thing.

Apparently Lira’s grandmother used to recite the words that “bound Adhirans to a life of peace and harmony,” and those words are:

Peace, stretching as deep as the roots of the trees of Aramaeia. As tall as the Mountain of Rhymore.

Adhirans want peace. Stretchy, deep, tall peace.

Also, why is Lira constantly thinking about how Adhiran she is? Kinda weird. It was weird when Andi did it, and it makes even less sense now.

Lira angsts about how much she’s changed ever since she joined Andi’s crew.

Lira doubted her family would even recognize the girl she had become in recent years.

Adhirans have the same gender roles as humans because fuck youuuuu.

After angsting about how Lira technically never kills and lets the other girls “decide what happens next,” she finally decides that these Patrolmen had it coming (despite the fact that they were probably just space cops following orders).

Shinsay, can you stop this stupid back and forth garbage and just settle whether these girls are RUTHLAASS SPAAS PARATS or TWEE GENTLE WOOBIES JUST HERE TO RIGHT WRONGS.

Cuz you’re proving that you can’t do both, honeytits. If you’d chosen you’d maybe at least do one of them right.

Breck asks Lira what they’re supposed to do next, and Lira is like “lmao Andi isn’t here soooo uuuh idk.” No, really. That’s literally what happens.

She’d never been separate from her captain on a mission. Never had to actually take up the title of Second-in-Command.

Ah, so she’s unqualified, inexperienced, and uneducated.

Great. What a fearsome space pirate! Way to show off how cool and badass your crew is, Shinsay. We’re only ten chapters in and we’ve already seen how absolutely incompetent they are!

I love it.

Even now, Lira could feel the hole in her chest where Andi was missing. Like a stitch had come loose in her heart, and soon she might unravel. The other girls, too.

Mm! Tastes like useless!

There’s mention of somebody named Lon and oh my god Shinsay, stop making references to things and characters and places that aren’t explained or shown to us!

How come you take every opportunity to explain to us dumb, unnecessary shit like Lira’s entire culture when you could show it when appropriate instead, and then bombard us with concepts and references that don’t matter in the moment that the characters know about but the reader doesn’t?

Gilly sighed. “I’m losing feeling in my ass, you guys. I need to move.”

“Don’t say ass, Gil,” Breck chided.

“But you called Dex one!”

“That’s because it’s his name. Along with brainless bastard and soulless shite and...”

The quality’s on the page, lads. This is top notch banter, right here.

Also, really? Gilly murders people. Straight up kills them. Is cursing really your biggest problem here?

Lira loves their banter as much as I do and chooses to zone the fuck out. She thinks about how she could’ve done more to save them all and her scales begin to glow and heat up because she’s just so angry, man!

This emotion is also apparently unusual for her, because when she feels it, her scales burn holes in her clothes, see? It’s very dramatic.

And is it just me, or does this sound like something some pervy video game developer would use to justify bad character design?

“Well, see, she’s a woman so her power comes from her EMOTIONS and when she FEELS things A LOT, her skin HEATS UP and BURNS her clothes! So that’s why she doesn’t wear any clothes in the first place! And it’s really sexy when she gets mad and the stuff she is wearing burns off all sexily.”

Lira’s brother’s voice slipped into her mind again. Anger is never your friend, little bug.

Her brother is the aforementioned Lon, and Lira is sad that his voice always appears in her darkest, dankest moments, reminding her of another past failure.

Man. She’s in full mysterious angst mode. Can she out-angst Andi, I wonder?

No, she can’t, because when Gilly calls Dex an ass, Lira laughs and thinks about how Lon would like her and how she will introduce them if they get out of this, which means that Lon is alive and thus Andi wins the angst-off.

After several pages of discussing what they should do, they come up with ... nothing, and decide to continue doing nothing and just wait.

And this, ladies and gentlefuckers, is how you get 98 chapters.

After a while, an AI comes in to get them, introducing itself as Alfie (peeps who read my previous snark might remember), the general’s personal assistant. Idk why the general sent his personal assistant, but ok.

Alfie undoes their cuffs and that’s it.

That’s the chapter.

Breck: Enough waiting. What do we do?

Lira: Idk.

Gilly: Idk.

Breck: Idk.

Lira: We wait.

Breck: FUCK NO. What do we do?

Lira: We wait.

Breck: We wait.

Gilly: We wait.

Alfie: Hello, I’m here to bring you some plot.

If I knew this ride would get so wild I wouldn’t have gotten on it.

#eff reads: zenith #book rants

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adulting-with-autism · 7 years

Video

youtube

Yippee! It’s episode three!

@izzyisahufflepuff @firesidoni @yesharrypotterlover123blr

Transcript under cut:

Welcome to AWA. Today’s episode is going to be slightly different because Liz is ill so I’ll be handling your questions solo. Hopefully I’ll do okay.

izzyisahufflepuff said:

“I just saw your tips for toothbrushing, and though they're very helpful, can you offer some tips as to how I can stop forgetting to/coming up with excuses not to brush my teeth? please and thank you”

Now what I generally recommend is something like habitica or similar apps that sort of provide little incentives in a game like structure. Wouldn’t say gamify I hate that word an irrational amount. But that’s something that’s worked for me in the past. Or something like writing down a little schedule for yourself could work quite well. That’s about as much as I’ve got for that one really. Just try and establish a routine through an app or a more old fashioned method. But whatever you do, try to go a couple of days in a row of doing a thing and you should start to adjust hopefully.

Next Question: firesidoni says

“I generally have a terrible time making out what people are saying when there's much background noise - I have a hard time turning the noise into words. Is this (potentially) an autism thing, or just a me thing?”

It’s definitely not a you thing. That’s something where I’ll definitely have a problem hearing people if there’s a lot going on. I tend to withdraw and things like that ‘cause it can be hard to pick out one particular set of sounds and interpret them so you’re not alone there. As for dealing with it I don’t have an answer for you there, I just avoid those situations where I can.

yesharrypotterlover123blr said

“Hi I'm autistic. I try following blogs and debating people, but I wind up offending people accidently. I don't feel comfortable saying it's autism, because it might not be (as I'm very sheltered and privileged/rich/white), + it sounds like an excuse (regardless of the situation in question) but I'm sick of seeing privileged neurotypicals get the benefit of the doubt just for being tactful. Any advice?”

Ok, for not offending people I guess one thing that really helps is just well sometimes I’ll go “right I won’t discuss this issue” if it’s sort of an emotive topic. One thing that really can cause problems, I think this came up in a previous episode, is when you’re interested in an abstract debate on an issue. A lot of people can get this, neurotypicals as well. People like looking at issues in the abstract and going about it in a thought experiment sort of way when the person they’re trying to have the conversation with is saying “this happened to me, this is an experience I had”.

The question is: is this a person who’s talking about – if you look at someone’s blog and they’re talking about had or have on a regular or semi-regular basis. I might post, I don’t know, money’s really tight or something like that, or alternatively on familiar ground someone might talk about sensory issues. You wouldn’t want, I’m sure, lots of us post about that kind of thing but you wouldn’t want somebody replying to that saying let’s start a long proper debate about how you feel. So that’s sometimes how trying to debate people comes across I think.

Because sometimes the best response isn’t a debate. It’s not necessarily what you want, it seems you like debating, but what’s sometimes best is saying “that sucks” rather than saying “but does it happen like that” or “is your experience really valid”. That can just, I think, get in the way. That means you’re not going to get a good faith debate because you could maybe say on a particular issue I’m not sure that…

There’s a difference between disagreeing on a solution for a societal problem, which is fine it happens every day it’s perfectly healthy, and disagreeing that something is a problem in the first place. It’s quite possible and healthy to have a discussion about the former, “right you know, this is an issue how do we get past it” there aren’t always cut and dried answers to these questions.

The trick is at least start out saying “that sucks how can things get better” rather than “did this really happen, was this an issue, was that person…” I don’t know, running dry on examples but I think maybe do something like put up on your blog, I don’t know if you have already, something about “I like debating” and maybe post an invitation, put a post up on your blog or add a little line on your profile “I’m open for a proper theoretical debate, theoretical conversation”

I think there’s impassioned conversations about social justice and there’s debates about these things and there’s room for both, but you’ve got to set parameters for a debate. Like in schools and colleges debate clubs don’t just spring up. They’ve got to be formalised. You say we’ll set up here, go by these rules, and not make things too personal, that’s great that’s fine but a real problem lies when people take that kind of debate club mentality, that debate club ethos and expect it to apply in every situation.

It doesn’t sound like you’re falling into that trap you want to engage people in a respectful way, you’re trying to work out how to do that so kudos to you. The main thing is you’ve got to set the parameters. Say “this is a call for debate so get in my inbox, comment on my post and we can start that conversation”. I think that could happen. Might not be that successful but you’ve got a better shot with that because sometimes you might end up derailing a more personal subjective conversation about social justice and things like that with a demand for an entirely different kind of conversation.

It’s how, I think, things can get out of hand it’s two very different styles of discussing issues and I guess that’s what you’ve got to be really clear on. You can always say “sorry I was looking at it in an abstract kind of way, I wasn’t trying to minimise what you’re going through or the issue”. You can always say “sorry I’m looking at it a bit too abstract you guys carry on”, or alternatively try to look at it from the other person’s pov. How you’d feel if somebody tried to put an abstract spin on something personal to you. I’ve started rambling so that’s as much as I’ve got on that I think.

There is a long question on here. It’s a three parter and it sounds kind of thorny so I’m probably going to be spending the rest of the episode responding to this and working out what to say.

“Hello guys, I was wondering how you feel about polyamory. As a queer autistic boy in a big group of friends (including my partner) who are all allistic nb, queer, and polyamorous (no one’s dating each other, just friends), I feel very left out in a way, because my brain is incredibly hierarchical. I find that I can only have one (1!!!) best friend at a time, and I can only love ONE person (i.e my partner). How can I unlearn this hierarchal thinking? It feels absolutely impossible

but I hate feeling left out (a big source of anxiety for me). People often (my friends and partner included) seem to make polyamory seem like a more Moral alternative, and that monogamy, on the other hand is a Conscious Choice one has to be Determined to make? This feels alien and a bit upsetting to me. And even though my partner says that just because you love 1 person doesn't mean you love someone else more, you can love equally, but this concept I just cannot grasp.

It's as hard to me to understand, as it is for humans in general to imagine colours we've never seen. It's impossible. But I feel kinda guilty and immoral, as if I'm not as emotionally developed as them or something, and as if I'm "possessive" because I can't handle my partner dating someone else than me WHILE they're dating me? My partner isn't actively polyamorous when they’re with me ‘cause they know it'd upset me but still... I don’t wanna be the autie weirdo.. I don’t know what to do”

And breathe. Right, that sounds like a fraught sitch. Thing is I know lots of my friends who are poly and many of the things you’ve mentioned, and I think that frankly I’m sure Liz would back me up on this, acting all as if it’s a better choice is just daft. It’s plain daft is what it is. Looking at alternative forms of relationships to monogamy is really interesting. It works really well for some people but not for others. Some people have, you can have vastly different levels of comfort, different thresholds for jealousy without being a controlling person, without being a bad or insecure person. It’s okay that you feel that there’s one person you want to be with and you don’t want to date anyone else or have your partner date anyone else.

It’s fine. And that could be the way you feel for the rest of your life or you could change your mind, but whatever feels right in that relationship is the right call. There’s no higher or better form of a relationship and anybody who says otherwise is leading you astray I think. I think that there’s a good chance with a lot of people who wouldn’t be comfortable being polyamorous and going for it anyway I feel like there’s, if you feel you’d get possessive, then simply trying to switch to a different form of relationship wouldn’t make it go away, it might just manifest in a different way. It doesn’t sound like you’re being a bad or possessive person at all.

Lots of people have a small amount of people they’re close to in friendship and romance. Lots of people have one partner and one best friend. That’s a really common thing and sometimes people can be a bit elitist about it and a bit, “oh I’m doing a different thing I’m standing out”. It could be that they’re not trying to say the form of their relationship is an inherently moral choice, might just be it’s the right thing for them. There’s a point halfway through about talking about monogamy as a conscious choice. They’re both conscious choices. Choosing to remain with one person choosing to be with multiple people, that’s a conscious choice. But choosing something that’s different to the mainstream isn’t necessarily a better thing nor a worse thing. The only way to make that kind of decision is based around your emotional well-being and your partner’s emotional well-being.

That’s the only thing that really matters there. Tis important to just do what makes you happy. There’s no more right or wrong answer than that. It sounds like you’re someone who’d be much more comfortable being monogamous. It sounds like you wouldn’t be happy with that, it would make you feel less happy in the relationship and even if you feel like you said to your partner “alright let’s try a different tac”, if you’re just doing that to make them happy and you’re uncomfortable with it, chances are they’d notice your discomfort and that would have a knock on effect.

I feel like if you think it’s a thing you can handle or go for, and would be genuinely interested in it then go for it, but going down that path because of what sounds like peer pressure is a really bad way to go I think. It’s got to be about what’s right for you what’s right for your partner and I don’t think it’s necessarily autism at the root of it. It may have something to do with it. But you don’t have to unlearn any thinking.

You don’t have to change. The thing is if it is down to disability then anybody expecting you to change a part of yourself change a part of your thinking is being really gross I think. That’s plain weird. Be yourself, there’s no better person to be. There’s nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing less moral about you. You’re trying to do what’s right for your emotional well-being. It doesn’t sound like you’re judging others, it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything negative towards anyone.

You keep on going the way you’re going. It might be a good idea to talk to your friends about how they may come across and how it feels like they’re pushing it as a superior thing. I guess a lot of people fall into monogamy by default but you’re someone who knows the options there, knows the choices they’ve got and you seem to know what makes you feel comfortable. There’s a point to make that people default to monogamy but for some people it seems like you included, it seems like the right way to go.

That’s the last question in the inbox and that just about wraps up the show.

Somehow I’ve manage to talk to about as long as our regular show just on my lonesome. I was tempted to fill in for Liz by occasionally doing an impression but I think they’d probably end up listening and I’m not sure they’d appreciate it. So it’s tarrah for now until next time dear listeners.

That was Adulting with Autism, a very Nick centric special.

Take care.

#podcast #episode 3

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fae-fucker · 6 years

Text

Zenith: Chapter 17

Andi enters Dark Matter and it’s all dingy and weird and there’s a bunch of unexplained aliens everywhere, prompting Andi to think that nobody would recognize her even if she wore a sign on her forehead.

Meaning that her bragging about how people would kill each other to capture her in the last chapter was useless.

Thanks for wasting my time, Shinsay.

The individuals in this pub are all war veterans and very fucked up and Andi angsts about it.

“This,” Dex said, spreading his tattooed arms wide and pulling Andi from her thoughts, “is the gem of the Olen System.”

“You haven’t seen very many gems, then.”

Oh no she di-unt!

Seriously, is this supposed to be the witty banter? I’m weeping.

Dex is having a great time in this place and Andi angsts about how she prefers "solitude and silence” over going outside, which is probably the most relatable thing that’s come out of this idiot’s inner monologue so far. We also find out that she’s used to attending fancy balls, because even when the story is about space pirates, Shinsay can’t stop sucking SJM’s crusty dick.

Andi also angsts about how nasty Dark Matter is.

Bitch, I thought you were a space pirate? The Bloody Baroness? This is where you should be at home. Why are you whining like a little baby?

Apparently they’re all in one big room, but they first have to find Dex’s informant, so Andi suggests that they split up. Did they not decide on a meeting spot? God, these people are so incompetent.

Also, Andi’s team are there as well. I don’t ... I don’t even ... Why were they all worried about leaving Andi with Dex in the previous chapter?

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

“Soyina can be a little...off-putting,” Dex said. “The two of you have that in common.”

Andi gave him her trademark glare.

“I simply meant that you can both terrify any man with a single glance.”

She flashed him her teeth.

TrADeMarK glARe

God, this dialogue could kill a man to death.

Dex bribes the bartender for info about his informant (god, all of this is so fucking stupid and badly planned), though Andi was ready to beat the info out of her.

Subtle.

“There are other ways to get information, you know,” Andi said as Dex turned back to look at her.

He threw his head back and laughed so hard, she got a glimpse of a chipped tooth in the back of his mouth. Andi was pleased to see it. She’d broken it with her elbow long ago, and it was worth the tiny scar she still had as a trophy.That was the day she’d completely disarmed him during training for the first time. The day that led to their first kiss, which led to more kisses, and a night spent...

“Why are you laughing?” Andi growled.

Dex held out a hand for her to pass by, feigning courtesy she knew he didn’t possess. “There’s one thing you never did learn from me, Androma.”

“Loyalty?” Andi asked. “How to keep my mouth shut?”

“No.” Dex patted her on the cheek, then sidestepped her swing at his face. “How to have fun.”

I had to read that, and now so do you.

Also, that implies that Andi learned it from somebody else and that Dex doesn’t actually know how to have fun. Which the book seems to realize, based on Andi’s reply.

It also implies that Dex thinks bribing people is ... fun?

We switch to Dex’s POV.

The last time he’d seen Soyina, they’d shared three bottles of Griss and locked themselves in the bathroom of a wealthy Tenebran’ s mansion until morning.

The night had been glorious, but when he’d woken the next day, his Krevs were missing, and his pants along with them. He was tied to the golden toilet pipes, all his glory out for the poor servants to see.

HIS GLORY

I’M CACKLING

Can someone please take the word “glory” and “glorious” from Shinsay? To stop them from using them in quick succession if nothing else.

And of course, despite Dex being an alien, I guess he’s got universally compatible junk? How convenient.

Soyina has “migratory” tattoos, which change location constantly. Not really tattoos then, are they?

Soyina wants to take a proper look at Andi, but:

Andi didn’t move, a silent statue in the darkness.

As opposed to a ... very chatty statue, I suppose.

Dex is worried that his two hot, dangerous exes will team up and fuck shit up together. But we all know that’s far too cool for Shinsay.

Soyina demands to see Andi’s dumb face in exchange for help, because

Soyina had a passion for darkness, and Androma Racella’s soul was the darkest of them all.

I’m gonna piss my fucking pants.

Of course, both Soyina and Dex admire how hot Andi is, and Soyina (whom I’ll just call Soy from now on) reveals that she knows that Andi is the Bloody Baroness, which is apparently a secret because Andi acts surprised.

I’m ... I’m so fucking confused, y’all.

Turns out that Soy works for Nor as one of the torturers on Lunamere, and Soy asks Andi if she’s ever tortured anyone and how good she’d be at it because she carries all this DAAAHKNESS inside her.

I can’t believe two adult women wrote this in all seriousness. Are we sure they’re not taking the piss?

Soy waxes orgasmic about how fun torture is, and reveals that she’s also a Revivalist, which means that she can bring people back from the dead as long as no more than three minutes has passed since the time of death.

How does she do that? Uuuuuh “with science, dear girl!”

No, really. That’s exactly what we get for an explanation.

Ya didn’t even try there, huh.

Also, if Andi is young enough for Soy to call her “girl,” how old is Soy? Did she bone down a much younger man with Dex? Damn, Soy here is a cougar. Or a felon. I guess she for sure is the second, being a torturer for a dictator and all.

Dex’s head was beginning to spin, wondering how he’d ever taken an interest in a woman who was so clearly off her axis.

He glanced sideways at Andi.

Two women, then.

Shinsay, beating the reader with their 500-page book: THEY’RE BRUTAL AND EDGY!! DID YOU GET THAT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT?! YOU WORTHLESS, SPINELESS SLUG?! ADMIRE THEM!! BE IN AWE!! SO BRUTAL AND EDGY!! BLOODTHIRST AND ANGER!! ARARARARARARARARAR!

Anywhoo, half of Soy’s payment for helping them has already been sent to her, but the other half is ... Well, this:

“I haven’t forgotten...” Dex felt heat sliding into his cheeks as he glanced sideways at Andi, then back at Soyina. “The other part of your payment, you’ll receive...”

“Now,” Soyina said, smiling like a predator. Her lips pressed together in a pout as she saw the look of horror on Dex’s face. “A deal’s a deal, bounty hunter. I’ll be waiting.” She stood up from the table, her chair scraping against the floor as she walked away.

Dex watched her slip into the bathroom, waggling a finger at him as she disappeared behind the closed door.

Who wouldn’t want to fuck this guy in the public bathroom of the most disgusting pub in the galaxy?

Imagine his face right next to yours. Innit a dream come true?

“You can’t be serious,” Andi said, her face aghast. “You’re actually paying her with...”

“I’m not paying her. I’m simply offering her memories,” Dex said. He stood up, mussing his hair with a hand as he backed away from the table. “You should know, Androma, how much fun five minutes with me can be.”

“Three minutes,” she said. “On a good day.”

1) Sounds a lot like Soy thinks you’re paying her.

2) Shinsay, if you’re not mature enough to let your characters say the word “sex,” then maybe don’t write about sex. When they constantly make references to their nights of passion but you won’t even let them say the word, it looks kind of childish, like you want the prestige of your characters being sexy and mature but can’t say the word because it’s too dirty. Just a thought.

We go back to Andi’s POV, and Soy, no joke, calls Andi “Dark Heart” while they discuss the Lunamere prison.

Shinsay ... bleapse ... stop this ...

There were no elevators to reach the seventeen floors of the prison, and each stairwell would only allow them to descend one level. Andi and Dex would have to traverse the entirety of each hall—and dispatch any guards they encountered—in order to reach the next stairwell down.

This sounds like incredibly dumb and inconvenient design but I guess Shinsay really want that cool action movie shot of their two faves fighting through SEVENTEEN corridors of guards, because I bet Valen will be on the lowest level.

Andi angsts.

In her mind, she saw herself four years ago, seated on a marble bench while hundreds of Arcardian soldiers stared back at her. Classmates, who now hissed her name like a curse. Teachers and trainers, whose bodies were rigid with hatred for her failure.

She saw a silver gavel gripped in an angry fist, the boom as it came down like a war hammer. The general’s twisted expression as he stared down at her, and Kalee’ s mother with tears in her eyes, a sadness burning so deep that it scalded like the still-fresh lacerations on Andi’s wrist.

Guilty, the judge had intoned. Guilty of treason.

So ... if a bodyguard and a general’s daughter get in an accident and the daughter dies ... Why is the bodyguard accused of treason?

It was an accident. Also, treason implies that the general is the leader of the country/planet, and that Andi tried to murder him. But that’s not what happened. Andi didn’t deliberately try to murder him, she was in an accident which killed his daughter, who was a dear friend of hers.

I doubt that Shinsay are trying to imply that Andi’s sentence is the work of some corrupted officials who wanted her dead for some reason (which would explain only some of the stupidity), so none of this makes any goddamn sense.

The plan involves Andi and Dex offering themselves up for the prison guards to just take them in, getting locked up in separate but conveniently close cells, and Soy getting them out of there so they can find Valen within an hour, before Soy sounds the alarm to save herself from Nor’s wrath and not look like an accomplice.

Now ... y’all don’t need me to explain how stupid this sounds, do you?

We’ll see if their plan really is this dumb before I start ranting for real.

The prison only has one entrance and one exit -- the former is for the prisoners, the latter for the corpses. Andi and Dex are supposed to exit, with Valen, through the latter.

“That, my dear friends, is my playground. My palace of pain. The prisoners come in, and I pick and choose the tools that will make them sing. And when they die? They go out that doorway on a transport ship. Up and away, out to float with the stars.”

God, Soy is so fucking edgy, we get it, Shinsay.

Andi hates that she’s so edgy, because Andi has a pure soul.

[Andi] killed to stay safe, to keep her crew alive when all the other options ran out. Afterward, she meditated and mourned the deaths. In sleep, the faces of the dead haunted her. But Soyina smiled about stealing lives, as if each death only upped her pride.

SHINSAY YOU CAN’T HAVE YOUR CAKE AND FUCK IT TOO.

IS SHE A RUTHLESS, BLOODTHIRSTY MURDERER OR IS SHE A SAD WOOBIE WHO HATES WHAT SHE DOES!? SHE CAN’T BE BOTH THE PROUD AND EPIC BLOODY BARONESS AND A SMOL BEAN WHO JUST WANTS TO MAKE IT ALL STOP.

YOU FUCKING HACKS.

Andi asks if Soy can smuggle in their weapons, and Soy is like “my mind is my weapon my good bitch,” which makes Andi think about how she’d totally beat her in a fistfight.

Alright, Andi, put your dick away.

“My cuffs,” Andi said, glancing down at them, “cannot be removed. You’ll see to it that they stay intact.”

Not a question. Rather, a demand.

If they can’t be removed, what does Soy have to do with them staying intact?

I swom to jon.

Andi thinks this is all too easy (you don’t say?) and asks Soy why she’s helping them. Soy and her family were apparently visiting the Olen system when the war began, and the Unified Systems refused them reentry in fear of them being spies, so they were forced to stay in the Olen system and join the war.

So uuuh ... how old is Soy? Cuz her fucking Dex is kinda gross now that I think about it.

“[...] Many would think my allegiance would still be to the Unified Systems, that I would hate the Olen System even more for forcing us to fight in a war against our own home planets. At first, I did hate Olen. But my allegiances changed when I saw what the Unified Systems put the people of Olen through for nearly a decade.” She sighed. “Ah, well. I guess I’m considering this job a chance to leave Olen behind, head back to what was once my home and rally for change in my own ways.”

Can someone please explain to me how this answers Andi’s question?

Cuz I still have no fucking idea what her motivation for helping them is, and I’ve read this paragraph at least five fucking times.

Does she want to return to the Unified Systems, which she hates, to rally for change to help the Olen system, which forced her to fight for them in a war she wasn’t a part of?

And how exactly will helping these people get Soy out of Olen, when she’s clearly planning to stay in Nor’s good graces and enjoys her work as a torturer?

What the fuck?

Soy makes a joke about how no matter what happens to Dex and Andi, they’ll be meeting her in the corpse pile one way or another.

Cold dread slithered its way up and down Andi’s spine.

Dead or alive. Andi hoped for the latter.

Uhh ... Thanks for ... clarifying?

She winked at Dex. Before she left, she leaned down and whispered into Andi’s ear.

“We didn’t, by the way. Earlier, I mean. Your comrade wanted to whine like a baby about his feelings for you.”

Oh my god. Are you telling me that this badass war veteran and torturer and necromancer accepted Dex’s whiny manpain as payment instead of a quick fuck?

Shinsay, you goddamn hacks. Are you too cowardly to make Dex fuck anyone else than Andi, to make him sell his body?

Cheap and garbage. That’s what your book is.

Goddamn cowards.

Soy leaves and then Dex asks Andi if she trusts him. Her heart flutters or whatever, but she says no, which Dex approves of. He tells her to play along with him and then this happens:

He grinned like he was holding on to a secret.

Then he lurched forward and, in one sweeping movement, mashed his lips up against hers.

Non-consensual kissing?

Happy Valentine’s Day, motherfuckers.

#eff reads: zenith #book rants

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