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antiyourwokehomophobia2 · 14 days

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i read your post you tagged “if you take nothing else from this blog let it be this”

and i’m glad i did because it paints a really great picture of your ideology

“i have nothing in common with trans women,” you say, and then you proceed to describe in vivid detail some obviously painful memories from your childhood that stayed with you: begging god to “fix” you, being viewed as dangerous by your peers for your identity.

you’re so right, when trans women were children everyone always clapped them on the back and said “great job today buddy we accept you!”

they never felt alienated, they were never treated as predators whilst being mere children, and they certainly never hoped a higher power would make them normal.

nothing human is alien to yourself and i’m sorry you think you have not an inch of common ground with 50% of the earth. i hope you’re very young, that would explain this really defensive, combative and self-isolating stance you’ve taken.

i’m a cis woman who was also bullied in middle school for being gay so unfortunately you cannot write this off as another “angry man” or whatever, but i expect you’ll find some other way to dismiss this criticism, or maybe you’ll pretend you didn’t read it despite me reading your much longer vitriolic post.

i’m not saying you have to love and welcome trans women into Our Spaces—although i wish you did feel that way—but specifically i’m baffled that you think you have NOTHING in common with them solely because they were born with a penis. are genitals really that defining of a human being? i personally don’t find it super feminist to reduce my entire identity and human experience down to my having a vagina.

No, anon, I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t read this ask. I do acknowledge and appreciate two things:

You took the time to read my post. If I can be honest, I thought it’d be a bigger hit, and the fact it wasn’t is at least partially contributed to its length, I’m sure.

Even though you clearly disagree with me, this ask is respectful. I really do appreciate that.

With that out of the way, I would like to give you a response.

““I have nothing in common with trans women,” you say, and then you proceed to describe in vivid detail some obviously painful memories from your childhood that stayed with you: begging god to “fix” you, being viewed as dangerous by your peers for your identity.

you’re so right, when trans women were children everyone always clapped them on the back and said “great job today buddy we accept you!”

they never felt alienated, they were never treated as predators whilst being mere children, and they certainly never hoped a higher power would make them normal.”

I would like to point out that the post I made was specifically talking about “lesbian” trans women. In the beginning, I speak a bit generally about trans women as a whole, but my post was mainly about straight males who claim to be lesbians. I'm willing to accept that I have plenty in common with homosexual trans women (trans women into males) because we are both gay. Not only that, but I can relate to being so gnc that I’d rather just be the opposite sex. However, this part of your ask does not make nearly as much sense if we are talking about heterosexual trans women. Yes. Straight males very much so are considered normal. I think where people like you and people like me get into the most arguments is that we can't decide who is and who is not a trans woman. You seem to view them as tortured minorities who struggled since childhood. And some of them are—mostly the homosexual ones, but the thing is that men with sissy fetishes or autogynephilia also call themselves trans women. “But they’re not!” is what you’re probably saying, right? Those men are perverts, right? Okay, but they call themselves trans women. How do you know who's telling the truth or not? How do we prevent the liars from hurting women? What is stopping a man with a fucked up fetish from identifying as trans, entering a woman’s bathroom, and assaulting someone? You might be thinking that if a man wants to assault somebody, a woman's bathroom sign isn't going to stop him from doing so, but the thing is, if you make it a law that anybody can go into whatever bathroom they want to go into, it then becomes asinine to call the police on him. The police can't do anything because how do they know he doesn't belong there? Do you understand why this whole thing causes women such great pause?

You and I can trade pathos all day. I can tell you sad stories from my childhood growing up gay. You can talk to me about a sad boy crying in his room wishing he was a girl. It always comes back to “who do you care about more?” If a teenage girl talks about feeling genuine discomfort over males being allowed in the school locker rooms and a teenage boy talks about how much he wishes he had access to the girl locker rooms because he “feels” like a girl, whose side do you take? Who do you care about more? I will always choose women and gay people.

I left something out of my post, anon. It wasn't relevant but now I think it is. I've talked about this before but when I was a kid I struggled greatly with the fact that I was black. I can say with full confidence that I had racial dysphoria. I wanted to be white so badly. Both of my parents are black people, but I used to ask people if I could pass as half white. It was pretty bad. Would you have told me that I was meant to be born white? No? Then why do you think it’s okay to tell someone they’re meant to be born the opposite sex? Why is sex the only thing people are allowed to say is “wrong” about them? How ingrained are biases about sex that people look at a little boy playing with dolls, say “he’s supposed to be a girl”, and a disturbing amount of people say “true!”? That’s insane! Imagine if someone looked at a white person eating watermelon and said they were meant to be born black? That’s how people with your ideology sound. You don’t think you sound that way because you’ve had so many people backing you up, but if you can tell me why racial dysphoria isn’t valid but gender dysphoria is, I’ll reconsider everything. It is my “bad” luck I was born black, anon. There is nothing I can do to change that. Some boy wishing he was a girl is a sad thing, sure, but it’s simply a matter of tough luck lmao. He shouldn’t suddenly get everything he wants just because of that.

“nothing human is alien to yourself and i’m sorry you think you have not an inch of common ground with 50% of the earth. i hope you’re very young, that would explain this really defensive, combative and self-isolating stance you’ve taken.

50% of the population? You and I have been talking about trans women this whole time. Are they 50% of the population? Are you talking about men when you say this? Why? This is a bit of a freudian slip, anon. Seems like I’m not the only one here who knows trans women and men are the same thing.

I do think that “nothing human is alien to yourself” is a beautiful phrase, and I do agree! There are men and straight people I can relate to just fine. But I don’t agree with calling males lesbians and I don’t agree that people can be born in the wrong body. I am defensive and combative. Women and lesbians are actively being threatened. Self-isolating though? No, I don’t think so. I don't feel isolated at all. In fact, I think being open about my views has led to me being close to people I never would’ve thought. And even if my views did lead to my isolation, I would much rather be alone than with people who are actively hurting women and gay people.

“i’m baffled that you think you have NOTHING in common with them solely because they were born with a penis.” I can concede that saying “nothing” was more emotion based than logic based, but I think that the straight male experience is pretty damn different from the lesbian one. The male experience, in general, is pretty different from what I’ve had. That’s what I was speaking about.

“are genitals really that defining of a human being?” I don’t know about how much they define a human being, anon, but they definitely do contribute a lot to how the world treats you. If you have a penis, the world treats you a shit ton better than they do if you have a vagina. That’s just facts. Nobody can help being born with a penis, but the world is not a fair place. Also, for a trait that is apparently so neutral, people with penises manage to commit 90% of all violent crime. What do you make of that? If genitals are really neutral, why isn’t the crime rate between people with vaginas and people with penises a 50-50 split? You said yourself that nothing human is an alien concept to other humans, so if women go through the same experiences men do, why is there such a large disparity in crime? Why can women go through the things men do (and worse, let’s be real) and generally not end up as criminals? What is it about having a penis that contributes to this?

“I personally don’t find it super feminist to reduce my entire identity and human experience down to my having a vagina.” I never said women are only their vaginas. If I tried to talk about racism, I would not be “reducing black people down to their skin color”. There is no reason why talking about the female experience should be met with claims I’m reducing women down to their vaginas.

#I love that you think I would've thought you were an angry man #they would've never been so nice #especially on anon #I didn't know you were a cis woman (you could've been a trans man) but I knew you were female #Also if you missed it #the link to what anon is talking about is in the underlined 'post' is point number 1 at the beginning

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novacollistar · 26 days

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MONKEY MAN REVIEW, WARNING: LONG POST

so…i just finished monkey man and now i will never recover.

dev patel you absolute gem, the genius of this movie and what it will do for desis who want to make their own mark in this world will never stop being talked about.

the religious references, the corruption within the systems meant to protect us, the devastation brought upon those viewed as lesser beings is shown within the movie beautifully. however, i have already seen, as expected, some who do not like the portrayal of india within the movie.

despite the good story, the portrayal of india is exactly how hollywood has always presented it: slums filled with poverty, dirt and despair. i am also tired of the west only showing india in this close-minded, ignorant way. as an nri, i know that even i have been influenced by the media to view india in a particular light. but i shall try to look at this from both sides.

one thing a person must remember that the things shown in the movie are unfortunately true. even movie creators in india have highlighted the way police are bribed by powerful people into doing their bidding and neglecting those they are meant to serve, the way religious leaders forget the entire meaning of their religion and use it to propel their fame and power, the slums where the poor have to beg to survive.

however, i do not agree with the way the west tends to almost always fetishize india into this almost dystopian land where it’s kill or be killed for the viewing pleasure of people who know nothing about our land. we cannot afford to be portrayed in a negative light as there is already little to no hollywood representation of south asians where india is shown to be a young, thriving nation bursting with potential. the last time hollywood acknowledged a movie in which india was shown positively was rrr (i still believe some of the hype over the movie was because it showed indians, therefore india, as beautiful and unafraid to be herself in the face of her captors. think back to all the shots of bheem in the forest, being one with nature and ram’s utter devotion to freeing his motherland instead of wallowing in its flaws). even then it was only once, and now we have yet again another movie where india is shown like this poor, uneducated, morally corrupt nation.

except…dev patel is also celebrating his nation, is he not?

i am not saying that india must always be shown as an unhygienic, primitive land filled with violent people and constant suffering. what i am saying is that while dev patel is showing the country in this specific light, he is also showing how its people are fighting back.

kid and his mother, two devoted believers of hinduism, stand up against the ones who use it to only further their own gains. the trans community, the hijra community, stand together in their own nation as worshippers of shivashakti even though their own brothers and sisters attack them, sometimes claiming trans people are a “western invention.” these are indians who value the lessons and beliefs imparted by their nation. the tabla is used to fuel kid’s desire to get revenge for his mother’s murder, it is used to tell stories and make people laugh. the ramayana is an allusion used to communicate that light triumphs over darkness no matter how difficult it may seem.

india is a land filled with complexities and contradictions. not one portrayal of india will ever, ever be truly accurate or correct. not the good ones, not the bad ones.

dev patel is just showing us the story of one, singular man. he does not speak for all of us, he is not claiming to always want to show india in a “backwards” way. he is simply telling the story of how a young man is fighting against the systems of oppression by using his mother’s faith in hanuman, the gods, as guidance to rid mother india of those who manipulate her rich culture and beliefs to pollute it. and if he has to portray india in a negative way to share this story then so be it, it is his freedom to do so. there is an entire generation, including myself, ready to look at dev patel and what he has done and say, “we can make more stories of our own,” and show india in a way that truly reflects her diverse, unique nature, one that rids this fetish of india being shown as unclean and impure.

let us celebrate that dev patel is paving the way for desis to have the power to tell our own stories in whichever way we want to.

anyway.

dev patel covered in blood was absolutely stunning, 10/10

#monkey man #dev patel #movie review #india #desiblr #desi #movies #hinduism

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laura-the-locust · 8 months

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Ok, finally doing this:

Pinned post time

Hi! My name is Laura, I use she/her pronouns, I am an adult trans woman.

I am neurodivergent; diagnosed on the spectrum, most probably ADHD too, and I have some B-cluster personality disorder.

I am an amateur writer with no formal education; I mostly write for myself, so if you want to read it, feel free to DM me for access. Fair warning: I drop stories with little to no warning, and have no schedule. It's a hobby, not a job. Maybe some day...

I'm not really 100% settled on my political opinions, but I am definitely anti-capitalist, pro-freedom to do whatever the fuck as long as you don't harm others. Personally, I live my life mostly hedonistically; my life goal is to be happy and experience new pleasures with interesting people.

What to expect from this blog

I reblog anything that strikes my fancy, from cute animals to hornyposting. Sex-related content will appear frequently and often untagged, so if you don't like to see that, and/or are a minor, don't follow.

When I do remember to tag things, I use these:

#hornyposting - posts about things that make me horny. Not every nsfw thing is hornyposting.

#fleshposting - posts containing deliciously malformed flesh. Possibly gross stuff. Often counts as gore.

#cross the street - posts about leaving people alone even if they do something "cringe"; posts where someone ought to do that.

#this post is about me now - self indulgent reblogs. Often used when I use the post as a jumping off point for my rants rather than stay on topic.

#anti capitalism - self explanatory.

#people hot - images of attractive beings, either irl or art. May overlap with hornyposting sometimes.

#brain farts - some words beg to be spoken. This does not mean these words are worth saying. I say them anyway.

If I start using another tag regularly, I'll update this post.

Asks and DMs are open, go hog

Sexual preferences

This is cut off in case you don't want / aren't allowed to look at such things.

I am bisexual, with a strong preference towards feminine-looking people, with no genital preference one way or the other. Im a switch and a vers. If you want to flirt / sext with me in DMs, feel free, but state your intentions clearly first, especially what kinks you'd like to explore. I'll probably have to feel you out first, I'm pretty introverted.

Stuff I really like: mommy play and most forms of incest, lactation, titfucks, horns, long tongues, praise, multiple orgasms without stopping, excessive cum

Stuff that's a full no: degradation, humiliation, pet play, harm other than spanking or non-lethal choking, unsanitary bodily substances (piss, shit, etc.) detransition, vore, chastity, orgasm denial, breeding, pregnancy, pregnancy risk

Neither list is fully comprehensive, because they frankly can't be. If you want to know my opinion on a kink / scenario, don't hesitate to ask or DM me. I generally prefer a gentle, caring flavour of domming, either by me or my partner, but rougher stuff can be fun as well.

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spacelazarwolf · 2 years

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in which i, a queer trans jew, rip a goy a new asshole

hoo boy where the fuck to start.

i’m only addressing this part of this post because i don’t have the energy to discuss the fearmongering that was in the first part. i’m also not linking the original post because 1. it was deleted moments after i asked if you were jewish, which from your phrasing of the post and your reaction to my question i’m assuming you’re not, and 2. i’m hoping you learn from this and never do something like this again.

1. how dare you invoke the holocaust like this.

it’s clear from the way you speak about it that you are not educated enough to talk about this with the sense of authority you seem to have. if the first thing you think of when you think of jews is one of the worst genocides to happen in modern history, then you’re not fucking ready to talk about jews or the holocaust. there were other groups targeted in the holocaust as well, specifically romani people who were part of the ‘final solution’ alongside jews, who are also still being persecuted, but i doubt you even know they exist. you also seem to think that jews only existed in europe or that only jews that lived in europe were affected by the holocaust, but again that’s incorrect. the holocaust was a communal trauma. it affected us all, ashkenazi, sephardi, italki, mizrahi, all across the world we saw what was happening and tried to help our people while the world sat and watched and turned us away. so don’t you fucking dare invoke the holocaust. you do not ‘understand the gravity of such implications’ because if you did you would never have posted this.

2. we are a tiny community that has still not recovered from the atrocity you chose to trivialize

jews make up about 2% of the us population, and about 0.2% of the global population. despite this fact, there are dozens of conspiracy theories saying that we control the world, the weather, the banks, that we’re hellbent on world domination because we are power-hungry vermin that need to be exterminated before we attain that power. we have been persecuted and murdered for centuries because of these conspiracy theories. we have no control or power, but people like you seem to think that we do. calling on us specifically to save you because you think we have some sort of special obligation or special power implies that if we don’t somehow stop what’s happening to trans people (who, by the way, we apparently created as a way to spread degeneracy and destroy good white christian values) that we will be responsible for another holocaust, and i hope you realize how fucking atrocious that is.

3. jews are also in grave fucking danger

but why would you know that? you’ve probably never spoken to a jew intentionally in your life. our elders have been saying for years that this country is slipping into fascism, our entire community has been begging y’all to see what’s happening, but y’all called us sensitive and attention seekers and ‘perpetual victims.’

4. as i said before, antisemites already think we created trans people

antisemitism and transphobia are intertwined, but in progressive circles it is very rare to see people advocating for jews. i feel safer in even the most conservative jewish spaces as a queer person than i do in queer spaces as a jew, and i’m not the only one. queer jews have been ejected from queer spaces for simply carrying pride flags with a star of david on them.

5. we’ve been fighting for you. where the fuck have you been?

jews are overwhelmingly left leaning in the us. we are very active in social justice movements and have been for decades, and 76% of us support lgbtq+ rights and nondiscrimination legislation. we support reproductive rights, we create summer camps for trans kids, all while it becomes more and more dangerous to exist as a jew in the united states. queer jews have been a foundational part of queer liberation for decades.

so please fucking spare me the lecture about how, because we were murdered by the millions a couple decades ago, and despite the fact the queer community continues to push us out of queer spaces, we are apparently uniquely responsible for the actions of the same white christofascists who have been targeting us for centuries. do fucking better.

#jewish #jumblr #trans #trans community #queer #trans jew #queer jew #goyim shut up challenge #holocaust #shoah

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princess-pill-enjoyer · 1 year

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Would I seem like less of a liar if I deleted the previous post? 💀💀💀

I'm doing a whooole lot better so ima explain myself

Notice in advance though it's not very related to my pills. It's just been a whole lot.. and seeing how I talk about all my personal shit here already it didn't feel too out of place. I've actually been relatively pill free for the last like month or so. Anyway I'll stop this intro here lol. Shits long enough as is

Well what pissed me off to make me want to go ghost was a combo of getting scammed plus R being on some bullshit..

The first bit I kinda walked into. That was that whole situation where I slowly gave out like $50 to this trans woman. I didn't even notice until a few days later but she blocked me soon after I said I couldn't help for a while. I don't know what brain cells evaporated from my brain but if I had noticed the signs earlier maybe I would be $50 richer rn..

The second bit uh. Let's just cut a long story short atp. R has been being a dick to me for a while now so I finally wasn't able to repress my annoyance and I said something slightly snippy. She got sad annd I got mad. Time skip, ghosted her and pretty much everyone else, fully expecting to never speak to her again. Nother time skip, we're back talking.

If I seem kinda over it, it's cause I am lmfao

I think seeing how she changed and reacted during that period where she was upset really changed things for me. Not to sound like that, but I have a lot of.. for lack of better wording "issues" around people switching up. And it's really important to me! Ive been weary of that shit since i was in elementary school. I used to get bullied and ostracized a lot as a kid. And after a combo of parential/friendship drama, I decided I never wanted to feel like I'm ever in a situation where I have to be useful to be loved. I don't want to be in position where anyone can dangle their affection over my head at a whim. Which is all I've felt towards everything since. Even when I was really there begging her to work things out, I did it anyway because I felt like I knew she'd do the same if it ever came down to it. But seeing just how much I've been trying to juggle in silence.. how much I've asked of her over and over again with little change.. it just didn't feel mutual anymore.

Well.. wrong wording. That's something I've had to accept for a while now. I meant our friendship in general atp. I've been the odd man out for so long now. I guess it's our history that does it tbh. You know how with newer friends you'll do a lot more with em? But with older friends youre much more comfortable saying no cause you know they arent going anywhere? It really shouldn't be this extreme tbh but like it ISS. Like I've asked to play 100x different things now, I've tried to watch series together, alllll types of shit. And she never agrees. We never talk or hangout for the fun of it anymore. Actually, I don't think we've actually any real hanging out doing something together purely because we wanted to hang in over 7 months. Everything else has just been us talking about one thing or another or something happening and it just being the after part. Don't get me wrong, I love being able to have an actual conversation way more than being able to play games with her. Though, when hanging out is something you plain out won't go out your way at all to do but you can hurriedly go back to do allll the time with your casual friends and acquaintances? Changed my mind so quick once i realized. I'm just holding onto memories now. Just like my ex and just like my ex best friend. The whole situation reminding me of those two made my emotions towards the thing feel a lot more cut and dry tbh

I started feeling this way when she played me at a moment that honestly.. was the most vulnerable I've ever been. It's a rule I've had since I was a child and have never broken before. Yet here I am, breaking it for no real reason. If anything, me doing that made her be even worse to me

I've been on and off talking with her now. She refriended me on one of our main platforms a little while back. I've only recently took her off mute. I think a day ago now. We talked talked today and it felt exactly like it did way back then. It was almost comical. She said so many cruel things to me and made me feel like an idiot for.. well shoot for nothing atp. Did all that to not even a full 3 months later move onto the next best thing. The complete 360 is what finally sealed it for me. I've been thinking on what my begging meant for days and weeks now slowly edging to this conclusion

Im done.

I got so much anger and nastiness spewed at me time and time again with not even an acknowledgement that it happened

Im just supposed to magically know this perfect fucking timing of how long i need to stay away without staying away for tooooo long to not scare you. And when I get it wrong? Oh don't worry! She'll make sure I know it :))

Its really my fault for letting it get this bad.. I knew it wasnt right for her to be a dick to everyone off of a breakup but i mean.. if the ex was that important to you, it makes sense. If it were still like that, I'd still be taking it now tbh. Why stress her out when she clearly has 1000 other things on her mind? But the cycle repeated right before my eyes it brings up so many questions..

Why cant i get the same courtesy you show to anyone else?

Where was that healing when just a month ago i was a pest for checking in?

God. It's not even like I'm asking for much! I continued doing what I do even when i wasn't getting that same care back. Ive gotten so messed up i can barely comprehend wth is going around me. Ive been on and off sleep for days at a time. I've watched my whole future crumble before my eyes. Ive wven thought about and attempted to kill myself. Alllll that.. yet ive never once used it as an excuse to treat you poorly. I have the common fucking courtesy to own up to ts and not act like any of that makes it okay to disrespect you

It honestly doesn't matter either way. All I know is I'm so tired of getting treated worse than any of her friends and I'm tired of all the fucking gymnastics that she still expects me to do with no complaint. That shits over. I'm not letting yet another person drop off and pick up wherever they feel like with not even a thought about how I'll feel

I feel really numb towards her now. I still have some of it leftover tbh so I wont say I'm OVER her. I still got hype talking to her again and it being not complicated for once. And i do still check her socials a lot. But I will say, I think I've fallen out of love at the very least

I still don't want her to suffer or anything because she is one of the kindest and most charming people you'll ever meet when she wants to be. She would bend over backwards to help out or make someone feel good. She just has to be in the right mood for it. I've seen her give shit away on this game she loves just to help a new player out. I've listened to her check on everyone in her house even when she felt like straight garbage purely cause she knew they all were expecting her to. Just incase one of em was waiting on that to vent or something. She really does have a good heart

Buuut when she doesn't want to/doesn't have to do all that? She's still cordial most of the time. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to paint her out to be some nasty person behind closed doors. She really isn't. Even when she's upset, she mostly is still kind, just a little short. But every once in a while, it'll be a big enough issue where she doesn't even feel like pretending to be in a good mood.. and that's her problem. She's so damn cruel once she's that upset. I get it ofc. Which is why I just put up with it for so long

When I was going through the slow realization that my days at my uni were numbered, I was a hugely bitter person. Huuuugely. But even with the mere joy of the other freshman was pissing me off, I never took that out on anyone but me. I was never rude or snarky to anyone there. Even when they were to me lmfao. It just made no sense to take it out on them

R doesn't consider that enough. She goes off tbe handle as soon as it's inconvenient for her not to. Though she's all smiles for people anyone that doesn't know her fr, she'll come back to all the people that love her and put then through the ringer

I cant take that shit anymore.

So now a little over a year after I started feeling something towards her in the first place and coming on a year after I realized what exactly I felt for her, I think I'm now throwing in the towel on all that. Just can't do it. I won't turn my life upside down for someone that can't even bother to keep my feelings in mind some days.

I dont hate her or anything at all. I'm still her friend. But until she learns how to better express herself, I don't want her any closer than a friend. Being close to her is painful dude. I'll never treat her any worse for that. I just have to keep my guard up now. I can't let her get that close to me again. Not with how she is now

I wrote that weeks ago if im being honest

And alots happened since then..

I feel like a hypocrite now. I blocked her without a peep. Even continued playing and talking with other friends and posted not thinking nothing of it. It's been a nice what.. I think coming up on 2 weeks now. I've missed her a lot. I still think of her everyday but at the same point it turned into a matter of principle. I won't even lie, if things went my way, she would either be coming to me through alllll the other methods she used to use when she actually cared to have my attention or she would be getting left in the past. But through my scattered thinking and talk with another good friend made me realize how selfish it was. Complained about her treating me worse than she would a complete random, and yet here I am damn near rubbing it in her face that I'm specifically not talking to her and her only. I feel awful for it now.

I tried to reach back out but she understandably is ignoring me too now. I think she blocked me on a few diff platforms, including my phone number.. I feel awful for doing that to her now. She's an ass at times but she's still been a really good friend to me and I hate that I lashed out without thinking of her feelings, even if it was justified ig. I'm just gonna give her space for now. Shit it took me damn near two weeks of radio silence and thinking for me to stop being angry with her

A few days later lol

We are.. in the clear? Not really honestly. We're still very distant feeling and I genuinely can't imagine ever trusting her the way I have in the past.. but it went over smoother than I thought. I know she's still upset with me, whether she wants to admit it or not. All those months of us spilling each and every thought to each other made it very easy to read her. I can't tell what exactly she's feeling, but she's hiding something.

It really kills me. I can see it plain and clear and I'd love to talk it over, but it's not really my place anymore is it? That's been the most difficult part of all this. I don't really understand how to keep a distance without coming off cold. I care about her and all but at the same point, it'd be extremely stupid to try to get her to open up while also tryna stay closed off myself. Recipe for disaster. Maybe someday she'll bring it up, but for now, I just have to pretend I don't see it

I'm very grateful to her still. She taught me a lot and she is a really good friend. I know if I ever seriously needed her she wouldn't flake on me and she's helped me so many times throughout our friendship. It's really the only reason I went back to us. It felt like a dick move to just ghost and act like her being mean sometimes completely overshadows all the good she brings. Plus I did promise I wouldn't. My feelings being hurt isn't a reason to break that promise imo. I'll stay in her life for as long as she allows it

Though that being said, she's not my best friend anymore. I don't even consider her a close friend atp. I aint gon play her or anything. Im still willing to talk about why I left and what I've been hiding for now. But once the dust settles.. she'll be treated like allllll my other friends. They don't get dogged out or anything but ya know ofc it's very different. I just don't trust her anymore

The thought of us talking through everything and finally hanging out just to hang out makes me paranoid. Will she drop me like she did when she got serious about her ex? Is she gonna be that mean everytime she has a breakup? Is she gone take my happiness the wrong way atp? Should I already preemptively be limiting my talking time with her?

Too many damn questions..

Which is why i think that's that saga done for now. I doubt she'll want to talk about it so I'm just gonna let it simmer out itself ig. I love her sm. I hate that I can't just slap the rose tinted glasses back on. She deserves someone like that. She's truly a gem once you get past all her walls. If I were stronger, I would still be chasing after her now. But after months of unsatisfying resolutions and unspoken tension, ive finally reach a point where I just can't take the hurt from it all 🤷‍♀️

Ah damn it's been tearing me up though. I've never experienced any of this bs before. I hope someday we can both get back to a place where I can consider letting her back in. I miss that time a lot. Dang ik I aint crying rn 🗿

#excessively long #vent #sorry again for flying off the handle again

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ruinestagehouse · 2 years

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[[CW: I don't know how to tag this, I'm not in a good state because I've set off a system member in the process of this. So, for content warnings, I talk about displacement, racism, being ripped away from culture, forceful socialization into another culture, evidently the s* slur, cultural rejection, and that fact that I didn't think this would hurt as much as it did. This came about from a discussion I just had where perhaps I didn't word my support as well as I wanted, and the person brought race into it, do not harass or bother the person if you find out who he is. Please. I am actually begging you. Do not show him my vent, either. I have him blocked and I want no contact with him, and he wants none with me. If you try to act like a racist twat towards natives on this post, I'm blocking you. I don't care who you are.]]

I have, very painfully remembered why Ryan hates it when either Eris or I have to bring up the fact we were forcefully disconnect from the fact we're native.

It's easier to just say we're white because no one believes us otherwise. Mom is pasty as the damn sun, and we got that from her. She has us so disconnected from our dad's side of the family, and any semblance of a culture he has, that I don't even know what we are anymore. She made sure to muddle that too. Ryan says it was Blackfoot. I trust him on that.

But when I have to tell someone that they've just completely missed a point I made and they just continue making assumptions, even when I have to come out and tell them, "I'm not white. I'm not the exact same as you but even if we were I am carrying hidden damned trauma from being ripped away from anything that could have been shared by an actually racist mother,"

"White people ripping themselves a new asshole to make me look like the bad guy."

Christ, you were just looking for a bad guy you twat.

Damnit, I know I will never belong! I will never bloody fucking be able to. I will never reconnect with a culture I was robbed of and I certainly can't do it here where it isn't safe. But to know that even if I tried I'd just be some white kid who you called racist for typing out "savage," which wasn't even aimed at you it was quite literally quoted from your message as you accused me of treating you like one in a post supporting you, in which I didn't even know you were native when I wrote the damned thing, a word I have damn well been trying not to be called out of fear (I use I here to denote the system as a whole, but this trauma is mostly Ryan's. Ryan is the one who bore the brunt of this) because God knows being what I am already is at risk of getting me raped in a state where that is a death sentence due to disability and the fact I'm trans, to bear a child would kill me outright, utterly fuck you for clinging to a victim card because you found an easy target.

This entire typing style, did you think I was from fucking England?

Damnit, I live in Ohio. I type and speak like this because none of my damned friends are American. None of the media my parents showed me was American. I have to consciously stop myself from using the spellings of other countries for words like color. This is how I was socialized. This is how I was raised. The furthest from what I actually bloody fucking am.

I'm tired of this. I even went to walk away and he just could not fucking relent. He didn't even read what I said. He just kept calling me white and then called me a racist.

Ryan, I'm sorry. I didn't know any of that was a trigger, but Christ that was horrid. Christ, I give up on this. I really will only ever be some white twat to the people I'm supposed to be a part of. I can't escape my socialization. I can't escape my mother. But evidently, I'm alone no matter what I do.

I don't talk about this for a reason, and I never want to talk about it again, because it doesn't matter. If anyone asks, as I always say, I'm Irish/Scottish.

It's just fucking easier to pretend.

#stagehouse rambles #vent post #cw rape mention #cw racism #cw parental abuse #Do not reblog #Do not Comment #I don't want replies to this.

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smells-like-mettaton · 3 years

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Tali’s Alphys-Centric Fic Rec List

I’ve been meaning to make this for a while!! All fics are oneshots unless marked as a series or with a chapter count. Thanks to everyone who recced several of these to me on my 12am begging-for-alphys-fics post dfdksdl. These aren’t in any particular order. The “notes” section is my commentary about each fic. No fics are based on full AUs (ex. underswap, horrortale, etc). The only endgame Alphys ship included is Alphyne, though most of the fics listed are gen. Hope you can find something you enjoy here!

Extra Credit by FriedCatfish

Rating: G // Word count: 1,206 Summary: Undyne loses track of time watching anime. Set before the events of the game. Notes: Cute Alphyne oneshot! Short and sweet, very nice characterization

world comes pouring through by feralpheonix

Rating: G // Word count: 1,655 Summary: Alphys reunites with some old friends on the way home from taking care of business. Notes: 2nd person Alphys pov but it surprisingly works? A small moment with Alphys, Bratty, and Catty, which I literally NEVER see content for so it was really refreshing!! Takes place at/near the end of the pacifist route.

white lies to the dead by MiniNephthys

Rating: T // Word Count: 580 Summary: Alphys walks through Waterfall, talking to someone who's not there. Notes: Queen Alphys ending; Alphys “talks” to Undyne after she’s been killed. Hits me right in all the emotions ;;

Found Soul by LibraLibrary

Rating: T // Word Count: 1,331 Summary: Self-worth is a slippery, fleeting little devil, and the bastard flower that killed you isn't helping. Takes place during the final fight of the True Pacifist run, following Alphys from one purgatory to the next. Notes: Very angsty, definitely make sure you’re ready to handle Alphys’s suicidal thoughts, but a very good read! I love seeing the Lost Soul battle from her POV.

And I Feel Fine by Masu_Trout

Rating: T // Word Count: 1,685 Summary: The fallen human is human is fast approaching The Core, and Mettaton is ready to finally take the stage. Now, if only Alphys would stop worrying so much. Notes: Alphys & Mettaton friendship in the no mercy route, but manages to be surprisingly not depressing. Mettaton POV but definitely still deserves to be here. This fic does a great job of characterizing them both and it’s always great to see Alphys working in her element.

Experimentation by pickledragon

Rating: G // Word Count: 1,531 Summary: Alphys is, above all, a scientist. She may watch anime with religious fervor and make horrible Undernet shitposts in her free time, but she is good at her job. She knows what they say about her, behind her back. But when she stands there, time open before her, she resolves to collect data. Each experiment, intentional or not, brings new opportunities to change certain variables and observe others. Alphys is a scientist, after all. Notes: THIS FIC. it’s technically part of a series but it stands on its own (it’s the only one i’ve read by this author). EXCELLENT alphys characterization and writing style. Some Sans & Alphys friendship too which is always stellar. If you didn’t gather from the summary, it’s an alphys starts to remember resets fic.

Memory by Ash_yeet

Rating: T // Word Count: 19,962 // Chapters: 5/20 Summary: It's been two years since monsterkind have joined the humans on the surface, and Alphys is happier than she's ever been. But things can't stay great forever. She starts having nightmares, lapses in memory, flashbacks to things that have never happened. She hopes it will pass... sans is doing his best to adjust to life. When Alphys reaches out to him about her nightmares, he doesn't expect much. He quickly changes his tune. Someone is trying to come back. And they aren't what they used to be.sans and Alphys are trying to move on. But there's one thing they forgot: No matter how hard you try, you can't run from your past. Notes: I’ve only read chapter one so far, but it’s been really good! Looks like it’s going to involve Gaster in some way. Says it’s on short hiatus but was updated in April so doesn’t look abandoned.

Hot and Cold Blooded (Alphyne series) by perniciousLizard

Rating: varies by fic, usually G but a few T and one E // Word count: 36,516 // Works: 18/18 Summary: This series is a place to put all my Alphys/Undyne stories that aren't part of another series. Notes: this series has something for everyone; you can pick and choose which works to read. Most are feel-good fluff and humor, some hurt/comfort too. Some connect to the author’s Sansby series (which i also can’t recommend enough)

When Life Hands You Enantiomers by Kaesa

Rating: T // Word Count: 2,739 Summary: Alphys has a half-finished tile maze puzzle, reams of useless data, and a bunch of piranhas that can't tell the difference between lemon and orange scent. Sans has donuts. Notes: ONE OF MY VERY FAVORITES. Fun puns, science, alphys & sans friendship, piranhas, the opportunity to actually understand organic chemistry references,, it’s so good and fun

Friendshipping by AyuOhseki

Rating: G // Word Count: 4,564 Summary: Sans finds Alphys's secret Sans/Grillby RPF. This won't get weird or awkward or anything, we're sure. Notes: Hilarious Alphys narration, great characterization, it’s just so silly and warms my heart. I love terrible fanfic writer Alphys

social links by simplycarryon

Rating: G // Word Count: 2,525 Summary: Friendship's pretty neat, or so your video games and anime dictate. But you are not an anime protagonist, and you're not sure you know what friendship is any more. Notes: more solid sans & alphys friendship :D

See You Another Time by decamarks

Rating: T // Word Count: 18,500 // Chapters: 1/14 Summary: “Have you ever thought of a world where everything is exactly the same... Except you don’t exist? Everything functions perfectly without you.” Alphys spent a lot of time thinking about what it’d be like to start over. It wasn’t fair for someone like her to escape consequences. She knew that, yet the thought never left her mind—the thought that maybe, just maybe, she could get another chance; that she could abandon her life, her failures—everything—and start anew. But that would never happen. Sometimes, Alphys wondered. Would the world be better off without her? When unexplainable anomalies appear and begin to warp the world around her, Alphys discovers something she was never meant to know: the identity of the former Royal Scientist, and how he met his demise. Doctor W.D. Gaster vanished without a trace; he was erased from reality after an experiment ended in disgrace. Forgotten by the world, shattered across time and space—it’s like he never existed in the first place.And Alphys can’t imagine a better fate. Notes: This is a monster of a first chapter but definitely worth the read!! So much good stuff happening already. I’m a total wuss but I still love the cosmic/existential horror bits going on so far. Great Sans & alphys friendship and Undyne & alphys friendship so far. All the amalgamates also feel incredibly well written. Can’t wait to see more of this one

(And here are a few of my own Alphys-centric fics as well)

Seventh Time’s the Charm by Taliax

Rating: G // Word Count: 1,519 // Chapters: 1/7 Summary: Six bad "dates" Alphys has been on, plus one that is actually pretty good. Notes: Alphys is my favorite and I love giving her a bad time. First chapter is a “date” she has with Sans. Next chapter which I have in progress is going to be Papyrus. (Alphyne is still endgame of course.) Set mostly before the events tof the game. Get ready for lots of second-hand embarrassment sdlfkjds

Support Character by Taliax

Rating: T // Word Count: 1,814 Summary: If Sans is determined to fight the human, Alphys is going to make sure he's prepared. Notes: Sans & Alphys no mercy route friendship, based on the headcanon that Alphys was the one to give Sans the powers/magic he uses to fight the human.

it's your best life (if it's the life that you're living right now) by Taliax

Rating: T // Word Count: 4,046 Summary: Through messages saved to Sans's phone, Queen Alphys gets a glimpse at lives that might have been. With so many possibilities... how did this timeline go so wrong? Notes: Sans & Alphys friendship, Queen Alphys ending, mostly angst/hurt/comfort. I’m really proud of this one and it uses my main headcanon for how Sans knows about resets.

The Trans-Underground Alphys-Carrying, Match-Making Road Trip by Taliax

Rating: G // Word Count: 5,713 Summary: From her secret security camera, Alphys gets too invested in Sans's relationship with the voice behind the door. This wouldn't be a problem if Mettaton didn't decide to take her ship into his own hands. Trying to catch up with a battery-powered robot is hard work, but telling the truth is even harder. Notes: This is a really silly fic with some hurt/comfort sprinkled in. Has some Soriel and Papyton in the background. Has some Alphys & Papyrus friendship as well which is always underrated in my opinion.

#alphys #fic rec list #tali rambles #safeutdr #undertale #long post

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joyfulhopelox · 3 years

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Roller Cat | JHS - Teaser

Summary: Getting a job at the roller skating rink was not something you would've expected- not when you've sworn to never skate again. But it's the 50's, you're alone and you need money. With an old injury causing you trouble, things are about to get even more complicated when your new boss enters into the picture.

Pairing: Hoseok x Reader (ex military Hoseok, ex pro skater reader)

AU: 50s, slice of life, roller skating

Genre: fluff, with a tiny bit of angst

Rating: pg

Word count: teaser 1k (whole fic approx 12k)

Warnings: probably a lot of misogyny (it's the 50s), talk of war, injuries, 50s slang (I am sorry!)

Welcome to the BTS in the 50s collab hosted by @homeofbangtan!

A/N: I want to thank @notyouroppar for reading over this and the amazing @ttaetae my lost twin, for making this amazing banner! I would also like to thank everyone in this collab for being such amazing people! (there will be more thank you's when the fic is posted!)

Copyrights @joyfulhopelox

As always please leave feedback and/or talk to me as i love to hear from you! Enjoy <3

FULL FIC HERE

You couldn’t believe you were doing this. Papers in hand and heart in your throat, you watched as people lined up for the ticket box. Excited couples and children reminded you of your own elation at the prospect of putting on your skates, and for a moment you allowed yourself to reminisce. Bright eyed and rosy cheeked, your younger self couldn’t have been happier at the new entertainment that opened in town.

“Miss, you’ll have to queue to get in.” A stern voice interrupted your daydream and by God could you have kissed this person. You never wanted to go back to those memories, but by being here, a trigger was inevitable. Turning to face your saviour you offered them a tight lipped smile.

“Ah, no. I’m sorry. I’m here for the job.” You waved the papers as if to prove a point. The man, quite tall and stern judging by the permanent creases on his forehead, gave you an unconvinced look. “I uh, was told there is an opening as a part time cleaner?” You gulped not daring to utter the other side of the agreement, hoping he wouldn’t prod. Resisting the urge to shift on your feet under his gaze, you glanced around hoping he wouldn’t kick you out. The amount of time and pep talk it took you to even urge yourself here made you almost beg him to let you in to apply. Almost.

“Tran, the queue is getting bigger, we should separate the slots again.” A cheery voice called out from behind. Tran, as you assumed the man was called, turned around to face whoever had spoken and without a word to you headed for the ticket box.

Dumbfounded and confused you stood there, mouth agape wondering what just happened. “Ma’am, is there anything I can help you with? If it’s for the school admissions–“ your head snapped in the direction of the voice. Recognition dawned on you at the sight of the blonde man. “School admissions are only on– oh, it’s you!” Too surprised to respond, you simply looked at him. Today he’d chosen a cream short sleeved shirt, and cropped dress pants. His short blonde hair was once again styled to be off his face and his cheery eyes were wide in surprise.

“Uh.” What a good start. Not knowing what to say you nodded in acknowledgment. The heat of the sun beating down your back made you feel uncomfortable, or maybe it was just the man’s stare that caused the sheen of sweat to drip down your back.

“What brings you here?” Getting over his surprise at seeing a very unlikely face, he broke out into a grin. Giving you a once over he scratched his chin in contemplation. “Is it the job?” He motioned towards the papers that were hanging loosely in your grip.

You didn’t know what possessed you. Maybe it was the suddenness of seeing him again or the fact that you’ve changed your mind, the prospect of working there no longer a viable one, in a split of a second your fingers tightened on the papers and you hid them behind your back. “What makes you think that?” You narrowed your eyes at him, “I could have very well gotten another job!”

The tone of your voice surprised him and he took a step back before he started chuckling to himself. “Of course, I apologise. What brings you here then?” He motioned behind him at the colourful building. “Is it for lessons?”

“Oh no, no. I came to–“ You paused not meeting his gaze. “Skate!” You exclaimed in his face, the insincere excitement almost making you wince. “I heard it’s the bee's knees nowadays, really!”

“Stop feeding me apple butter, Hoseok.” Resisting the urge to cross your arms, the action too unladylike even for your taste you shook your head at him. “Just come out with it already. Is there anything you don’t want me to see in there?”

Hoseok huffs at you, his over dramatic expression of innocence worsening your suspicions. “What could it be, Roller Cat? There is nothing; if you don’t trust me to do my own paperwork and want to check over them later, you can do so.” He lets you go ushering you into the rink. “For now, we got curtain climbers to entertain.”

You stared at him incredulously, your mouth agape as he winked at you, and with a final energetic wave he rushed back to his office, the door slamming shut after him. It took you a moment to recollect yourself, and before you could even step foot in the rink, the guard made his way over towards you from the other side.

“Y/N, are we ready to start the day?” He smiles at you, his cheery disposition always a surprise to you. You hadn’t spoken much to him. The few times you had, weren’t outside of working hours where his merry self would be replaced by a tight lipped smile and fierce eyes scouring the rink for any misdemeanour. You offered him your own greeting, a small nod of your head as you rushed to get your skates on. The sight of the white shiny wheels made you smile, the dance you shared with Hoseok still fresh in your mind.

Your curiosity at what he could have been hiding was at its peak, when an idea popped into your mind. “Hey, Tran.” You called over your shoulder at him, your hands busy with your laces. The shout of acknowledgement he offered you spurred you on, “do you know what has gotten Hoseok so giddy?” Finishing with your laces, you turned around just in time to catch the worried glance he threw you. “Tran.” You warned him, knowing that he was also going to feed you bull.

“It’s–“ Before he could continue you interrupted him. “Out with it, and I want the truth.”

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dathen · 4 years

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I cannot emphasize enough how much exclusionism harms LGBT ace and aro people. There is no such thing as “well those aces are allowed, I’m just worried about straight infiltration” because they’re not actually doing shit to include even the aces that they give their free pass to!

I am asexual, aromantic, and agender. While a lot of people would say that being nonbinary/agender doesn’t count as trans, but for the sake of theory let’s say it does. By supposed exclusionist theory, one of these identities allows me to be included in queer spaces--my gender identity. By their logic this should mean I have nothing to worry about, right?

Except I can’t check my asexual and aromantic identities at the door. I may have three separate words to define myself, but in reality they’re so intertwined I can barely tell where one ends and where another begins. I was best able to explore being agender when around other aromantic and asexual people, who had similar experiences as me. I can’t put into words how beneficial this was in a very dark time in my life.

LGBT aces are not accepted by exclusionists in any real sense of the word. We constantly see your mockery and your ace cringe compilation posts, we constantly see the “I hope ace people have a bad day--gays and lesbians only!” shitposts. We’re told that half of our identity is embarrassing and childish and humiliating, don’t talk about it, pretend it away, only hype the attraction we do have (if any). If you’re a trans aroace person like myself, you’re completely out of luck--it’s difficult enough for the community to remember that trans people exist and don’t also need to justify their place in the community with LGB attraction. Hell, I remember seeing some using the term “queer trans people” to separate them out from straight and aroace trans people, to make sure the rest of us know we’re not welcome.

It erases the extremely important space to talk about the intersection of being ace and LGBT. People shouldn’t have to talk about their sexuality while bottling up how being ace or aro affects it. People shouldn’t be made to think that being ace or aro makes them a diluted form of queerness. I shouldn’t have to untangle the jumble that is my identity, peel away and discard the threads of asexuality and aromanticism and how those have affected my life, and somehow try to talk about and relate to my gender as a stand-alone thing.

This is NOT “acceptance.” This is NOT “oh we’re just trying to keep straight people out.”

When I first started considering I may not be straight, the first resources I found were LGBT blogs that said that asexuality was just people with so much internalized homophobia that they couldn’t accept their own attraction. I tried forcing myself to have attraction, training myself to warm up to the idea of having sex, and just traumatized myself further. I still don’t think I’ve recovered from this almost ten years later, and I think the extent of my sex repulsion came from these self-corrective behaviors. While I’ve seen people who formerly identified as asexual later decide a different identity fits them better, stating this is fact for everyone who doesn’t experience attraction is unspeakably harmful.

I’ve been in this game for a long time, well before the backlash that caused aspec resources to vanish, back before “discourse” was even a commonly used word. I used to try to play along with what everyone told me to do to be a Good Little Ace. Avoided calling myself “queer” because only people with attraction can call themselves that, right? So if I made a post about the struggles I had with self-worth and suicide ideation as an asexual person, in hopes to reaching other asexual people with similar struggles as me, I was still staying within the lines! No mention of being part of any community or calling myself “queer” or “LGBT” or anything! It didn’t prevent me from getting so much harassment I had to deactivate my blog, half of involved accusations of “you’re just pretending to be oppressed so you can infiltrate the LGBT community!” even though I hadn’t said a word about it in my posts!

I am so discouraged by young people who are already so deep in exclusionist rhetoric, and who would rather swallow up and parrot unquestioned hatred rather than think about the harm they’re doing. If your attitude is “I’m not an aphobe, I’m just an exclusionist,” please stop and think of the actual effects of your beliefs. Listen to the people this affects, listen to how this has affected our entire lives. This isn’t an announcement that we’re more oppressed than you, this is a call to recognize we’re with you and that giving us space and companionship and support can be literally life-saving. I am begging for people to listen to each other’s experiences, see and hear us as people, rather than just a jumble of letters to unfeelingly sort.

#asexuality #aromanticism #aphobia #acephobia #arophobia #LGBT #I highly encourage allo people to reblog as well #sorry for the length but I cannot shut up #I know this post is limited in scope but if I include my rambles on including cis aroace and straight aces it will be ANOTHER FOUR PAGES

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smaidjor · 3 years

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and i pay for my place by the ring (Chapter 3)

Hey everyone and welcome to the third and likely final chapter of this saga! When I was writing this, I told my friends it might end up the shortest chapter.

Spoiler alert: it was not, in fact, the shortest chapter.

Anyways, thank you guys for sticking with me through this insane journey of angst writing! The story doesn't end here, but the fic does because I think I'm going to be switching how I write it a little bit. You'll see if I ever get the energy to write the continuation.

(Also, I've stopped putting AO3 links in the actual post because then it doesn't show up in the tag.)

Anyways, enjoy this chapter!

Chapter Title: to turn at last to paths that lead home

Chapter Wordcount: 4686

Content warnings: mentions of death, violence, blood, mild injury, religion, self-esteem issues. There is also something that could be considered similar to deadnaming, though the character is not necessarily trans, so read with caution if that could be triggering to you.

Actual fic under the cut:

That night, Scott dreams he’s a child again, playing amongst the peaks with Xornoth by his side. They laugh as they dart out of his reach, and he jumps over a rock to try and catch them.

“Too slow,” Xornoth snickers, and Scott glares at them.

“Someday I’ll be ten times as fast as you, and stronger too!”

They laugh again and tackle him into the grass, forceful enough to push him down but not enough to really hurt. “Alright, little bro.”

“You’re only older by seven minutes!”

“Seven minutes, more like seven times cooler than you!”

Scott reaches up and tickles them, grinning wickedly as they yelp and roll off him.

The scene shifts, and this time it’s a teenaged Xornoth laying on the hill beside him, staring up at the sky.

“Hey, Scott?”

“Yeah?”

“If anything ever happens to me-”

“It won’t,” Scott interrupts, heart in his throat. “Nothing’s going to happen to you.”

“It could-”

“No.”

They sigh. “Alright. But if it ever does, I need you to promise me one thing.”

“What is it?”

“I need you to promise that you’ll take care of Rivendell.”

Scott glares at them. “Rivendell hates me. Don’t ask-”

“Please. Scott, please just promise me this one thing.” Their face is deathly serious. “I don’t- nothing’s going to happen to me, but I need to know that Rivendell will be safe if anything does.”

"But-"

"Please, Scott. I know you would do brilliant at it, and I need the guarantee.

He sighs but ultimately gives in. “I wouldn't, but fine. I promise.”

Xornoth nods, seemingly satisfied. “You’re leaving tonight, right?”

“I am.”

“Then take this.” They roll over and press something into his hand. “You’ll need it.”

Scott looks down to see Vilya, the silver band gleaming in the sunlight. “Xor, you can’t give me this. This is-”

“I know perfectly well what it is, little bro.” He looks up to find them smiling sadly. “And I know you’ll need it. Now better wake up, your husband’s calling.”

“My wha-”

Scott’s plunged back into awareness to the sound of Jimmy calling his name.

“Scott? Please?” He sounds shaken, but it barely registers in Scott’s sleepy brain.

Scott rolls over and blinks his eyes open to see Jimmy watching him with concern. “Five more minutes, darling.”

“I think something’s wrong,” Jimmy says, urgent. “It feels wrong. Really wrong.”

That wakes Scott up, alright, the fear in his husband’s voice sending a spike of worry through him as he sits up. “What is it?”

“I don’t know. It’s alright, go back to sleep.”

“No, no, I trust your gut.” He trusts Jimmy more than anything else, really, which is why he gets up and out of bed. “Let’s go look, and if it’s nothing then I’ll sleep more, okay?”

Jimmy nods, hurrying after him. “I have a really terrible feeling, Scott. Be careful, please.”

“I should be telling that to you,” Scott teases.

“Hey, I’ve gotten more careful!”

Scott can’t help but laugh at how offended his husband sounds, but his mirth dies as quickly as it came. “You’re right, Jimmy. Something isn’t right.” It’s making the hairs on his arm stand up, a prickling unease similar to what he felt before the battle where Jimmy died.

“I know, it feels awful!”

“Mhm.” Scott grabs his favorite axe, glancing back at Jimmy one more time. “Stay behind me, just in case.”

He swings the door open. It takes a moment to spot what’s wrong, but once he does, his heart plummets; Xornoth is standing across the valley next to his enchanting tower, their face and body twisted with corruption but still unmistakably Scott’s sibling.

“That’s the demon!” Jimmy hisses. He sounds terrified, and Scott can’t blame him, much as it feels like a punch to the gut to know that his sibling is the one who’s been harassing his husband.

Scott grits his teeth. Protect Rivendell, that’s what he promised Xornoth all those years ago. “That?”

“Yes!”

“Right. Okay.” He takes a deep breath, trying to compose himself. “Jimmy, I need you to listen to exactly what I say right now. If I say get down, you get down. If I say run, you run and don’t look back no matter what you hear. Can you do that?”

Jimmy’s response comes a second later. “I trust you. If you say run, I’ll run.” The pure faith in the words is enough to make Scott’s throat close up for a moment, choked with sudden emotion at the level of trust Jimmy’s showing him even after everything that happened.

He shoves that feeling down. “Alright. Give me your engagement ring.”

“Wh-”

“Trust me. Please.” Scott’s nearly begging, voice cracking a bit on the last word. Jimmy must hear how weak he sounds, because he gives in without question, handing over Vilya.

Scott slides it onto his finger, hands trembling just a bit as he does. He remembers being given this ring, being just as terrified by how much Xornoth trusted him then as he is by how much Jimmy trusts him now. Ironic, really, that now he’ll be using this ring against the person who gave it to him to begin with. “Okay, Jimmy. I’m about to go out the front door, and when I do, I need you to go out the side door over there and run for the stables. When you get there, roll in the mud and then run for the village. Speed over stealth, corrupted elves track by smell and sound rather than sight.” He keeps the instructions quick and clear, praying that Jimmy’s not stubborn enough to disobey. He can’t lose Jimmy, he can’t.

Thank god, Jimmy nods.

Scott takes another deep breath, brain awhirl as he tries to figure out how he’s going to keep both Jimmy and Rivendell safe. “From there, I need you to track down an elf called Gilnar and tell them to lock down the kingdom and warn everyone of the danger.” After a moment's thought, he adds “I also need you to tell them that Lord Smajor orders them to protect you.” Gilnar’s trustworthy, they’ll look after Jimmy.

“What about you?” Jimmy asks. “Will you be okay?”

His heart aches at the concern, and it aches more when he opens his mouth to lie. “I will, I promise.” He doesn’t meet Jimmy’s eyes, knowing he’ll break if he does.

Thankfully, Jimmy says nothing about it, instead reaching for one of the spare swords. Good, good, he can protect himself.

“Ready?” Scott asks.

“Ready,” Jimmy confirms, though his voice trembles.

Scott shoves down the part of him that screams that this wasn’t supposed to be his responsibility, that he should just run while he can. He made a promise to his sibling all those years ago, and he’s going to keep it even if it’s now them that he has to defend Rivendell from.

He steps out the door.

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Jimmy bolt for the stables, but the greater part of his attention is focused on Xornoth, still floating ominously across the valley.

“You do not belong here,” Scott calls out in Sindarin. It’s a challenge more than anything, practically asking them to come fight him.

He knows he’s messing with forces he doesn’t understand and cannot win against, knows it as surely as he knows his own name. Xornoth has always been faster and stronger, after all, ever since they were children.

And yet-

And yet he has to try regardless. After all, when they were children, Scott always tried to win anyways, even if it never worked. And now, the weight of an empire resting on his shoulders and his husband somewhere in the village behind him, the stakes are higher than just his pride. So he squares his shoulders and doesn’t back down as Xornoth appears in front of him with a ripple of smoke, a cruel smirk on their face.

“Well, well, well, dear brother. Never thought it’d come to this.”

“Neither did I,” Scott retorts.

They grin again. “I belong here just as much as you, you know.”

He raises his axe, gritting his teeth. “You did once, but not anymore.”

Xornoth laughs as they dart out of the way of his blows, tendrils of corruption curling around them and reaching for him. “I belong here more than you ever will.”

He stumbles back, trying to get out of their reach. “That’s not true either.”

“Oh, but it is. I thought you’d be too much of a coward to ever face me, you know. Spineless little Scott, running away from his problems like you ran away from our family.”

“We had no family left! It was just you and me!”

“And you left me to be consumed by my own greed and despair. The sibling you know died years ago and it’s all because you’re a coward.”

Scott flinches, barely bringing his axe up in time to block their next strike. “That’s not- that wasn't my fault! I didn't mean for that to happen."

“Do you really think that? Are you really foolish enough to think that you didn’t hurt me by leaving?” Xornoth’s grin is razor-sharp.

“You told me to leave if it would make me happier,” Scott cries, lapsing back into English without thinking about it.

“You shouldn’t have wanted to leave in the first place. No real elven ruler would want to leave the oldest sanctuary of the elves.”

They have him backing up again and again, barely holding them off. “I tried- I was-”

“Look at you, an elf speaking a human language,” Xornoth hisses. “How did you ever think you were going to be good enough for them? You’re never going to be the real king of Rivendell, Elinar.”

“Don’t- don’t call me that,” Scott pants.

“Elinar,” they taunt again. “Stupid, stupid Elinar. Weak, pathetic little Elinar.”

Scott stumbles backward, landing on his butt in the grass as Xornoth towers over him. His axe falls to the side, snatched by a tendril of corruption as they reach out, digging their claws into his shoulders and pushing him down. Scott’s helpless to do anything when those same tendrils reach for him, the smell of rot permeating the air. They hesitate for a moment, hovering above him, and then Xornoth grins sadistically and the corruption snatches him.

It hurts. It hurts more than any pain he’s ever felt. More than Etho’s arrow in his throat, more than Martyn’s arrow to the chest, more than Ren’s sword through his back. More than even waking up back in Rivendell. The corruption wraps itself around his throat and wrists, pinning him to the ground as his older sibling grins. Scott distantly registers that he’s screaming, writhing as he tries to get out of their hold, but everything’s fuzzy with his brain clouded by pain. He doesn’t want to die, not like this. Anything but this.

There’s a faint, familiar voice in the distance, though Scott can’t focus on what it’s saying through the haze of pain. It sounds comforting, though, and he clings to the noise like a lifeline.

All of the sudden, the pain stops and the corruption draws back slightly as Xornoth turns away.

“What did you say to me?” they hiss, in English this time.

“I said you’re ugly!” The same voice calls, and this time Scott recognizes it as Jimmy. Oh, god, Jimmy. “And you suck! Leave my husband alone!”

Xornoth loosens their hold on Scott’s shoulders, turning towards wherever Jimmy is, and Scott’s gets a rush of determination. He can’t let them hurt Jimmy.

Scott backhands them across the face, kicking his way free of their hold with strength he didn’t know he still had. They give a tiny yelp of surprise, a familiar sound, and he staggers to his feet.

This time, he doesn’t bother with the axe. Instead, he forces his will into Vilya, praying to any and every god that it will work for him. He doesn’t even believe in the elven gods any longer, and yet he’s still praying to Aeor, to Varda, to Manwe, to any deity out there that he’s enough of a true elvenking to make a ring of power bend to his will.

“You are not welcome here!” Scott shouts, and he feels the ancient strength of Vilya behind his words.

Xornoth hisses, staggering backwards. “Fine! Banish me, then, if you’re a true enough king to do it. Run back to your mortal lover, Elinar, and pray to all the gods that he doesn’t ever see how worthless you really are.”

He doesn’t flinch, though it’s a close thing. “Leave! Leave and never return!”

This time, Vilya pulses more strongly, and Xornoth is forced out of Rivendell with a hum of power.

Scott stumbles as that rush of power leaves him, collapsing to the ground. His entire body aches from the fight, but more than that, Xornoth’s last words are still ringing in his mind. Pray to all the gods that he doesn’t ever see how worthless you really are. They’re right. He knows they’re right, and that’s the worst part about it.

“Scott! Scott!” He can hear Jimmy call, and within a minute, Jimmy’s standing in front of him.

Scott looks up at his husband- his beautiful, brave husband who he’s never once deserved- his breathing ragged as he tries to reach out. “Jimmy,” He manages, a hoarse whisper.

Jimmy kneels by him, concern written across his face clear as day. “What’s wrong? Where- what’s hurt? I’ll fix it, I promise, I-” Scott grabs him and yanks him into a hug, hardly daring to believe he’s real.

“Oh,” Jimmy says, quiet, dumbstruck. He hugs Scott oh-so-gently, though his embrace isn’t enough to soothe Scott’s trembling. “It’s alright, Scott, we’re alright.”

“Jimmy,” Scott gasps. He needs his husband, needs him to be okay. “Jimmy, I can’t.”

“I-”

“I want it to be over.” It sounds so childish, but he’s so tired. “I don’t want elves or nations or politics. I just want you.”

“I know, I know,” Jimmy soothes.

‘Why does it have to be me? It wasn’t supposed to be! It wasn’t supposed to be me!” Scott wants to shout it, scream it to the world, because it’s not fair. He wasn’t supposed to be heir to Rivendell. He wasn’t supposed to have a ring of power. He wasn’t supposed to be forced to fight his own sibling. It’s not fair, but it happened anyways. It happened anyways, and that’s what breaks him, voice cracking as he begs for something, though he doesn’t even know what he wants at this point. Peace, maybe. Happiness. “I- please- shouldn’t have- Jimmy. Jimmy .”

He repeats Jimmy’s name over and over, searching for any small scrap of comfort as his sobs tear him to pieces, clutched in his husband’s arms on the grass. Jimmy’s so gentle with him, his embrace so kind as he presses soft kisses to Scott’s head and murmurs in a comforting tone, though Scott’s too far lost in his own head to hear any of what Jimmy says. His world narrows to warm arms around him, the texture of Jimmy’s shirt clutched between his fingers. Jimmy smells like dirt and swamp water- it’s the silliest thing to notice when Scott’s busy sobbing over having to fight his own sibling, but it’s easier to think about than anything else. It’s easier to think about Jimmy than anything else, really, easier to cling to the sound of his voice and his hand on Scott’s back than confront the way Scott’s grief is eating him alive.

Distantly, he can hear footsteps approaching. They’re too light to be anything but elven, not that that’s a surprise when they’re in the home of the elves. He can’t bring himself to lift his head and face them, not when his breath is still coming quick and ragged.

Gilnar’s first to speak, hesitant concen leaking into their words. “Uh, milord?”

Scott can feel Jimmy’s grip tighten protectively, can practically imagine his affronted look as he opens his mouth to snap back. “Give him a goddamn minute! He just fought a demon for all of you, let the man rest! I know you’re all elves and you’re all- all elegant and composed or whatever, but you can’t expect someone to be perfect! We’re all human, you know!” He winces a little, knowing the elves are going to tear Jimmy to shreds for that.

Indeed, one of his advisors speaks up, disdain clear in their tone. “You are human, Codfather. We are not. Lord Smajor knew the responsibilities and difficulties of ruling.”

It’s ever the way of elven royalty- their rulers cannot dare be flawed.

“He’s too young for this,” Someone else mutters. There’s as much pity in their tone as there is disdain, a strange mix of concern and derision.

“I- well I don’t think anyone could have expected a demon! And probably even less people’d be willing to fight one!” Jimmy’s voice rises with every sentence. Scott wants to tell him to spare the outrage- he’s not worth it. “Scott’s one of the bravest, kindest, smartest people I know, so lay off him, will you?”

“You know nothing of the affairs of elves,” his advisor sniffs, and Scott’s blood boils at how rude they’re being to Jimmy.

It’s that outrage that gives him the energy to raise his head, forcing his breathing to steady out. “It’s fine, Jimmy. They are correct, I do have responsibilities.” You shouldn’t be defending me, he doesn’t say. I’m not worth your outrage.

“They can’t expect you to be perfect,” Jimmy argues back.

Scott almost laughs, knowing full well that they can and should. Instead, though, he breaks free of Jimmy’s embrace and gets to his feet with far more effort than that should really take. “Gilnar, get the village out of lockdown and make sure people are aware of the threat of Xornoth. Celebear, search the library for any books on corruption of elves, and Lauriel, translate any you find that are not Sindarin into it. Elder council, I need research done on any rings of power that are strong enough to counteract Vilya to that degree, that will narrow down what Xornoth has.” His voice comes out hoarse, and he’s barely aware of what he’s saying, but he forces himself to carry on. “Now, the Codfather and I need to negotiate wool and fish trades,” Scott adds, the quickest excuse he can think of. He grabs Jimmy’s hand, dragging him away as quickly as he can manage, and ignores the stares that follow him.

They make it up the hill and into Scott’s house before Scott’s legs give out, sending him into a chair with an undignified thump. “Well, fuck me to the End and back.”

“Are they always like that?” Jimmy sounds more concerned than anything.

“Pretty much. Gilnar’s okay, just tough as shit, and so are Celebear and Lauriel, but...I wasn’t- well, I wasn’t meant to inherit Rivendell, and the Council of Elders takes every opportunity to remind me of that fact.” That’s just how it is- he doesn’t bother getting upset over it at this point. He’s always going to be second-best.

“Oh.” Jimmy hesitates, and then asks “Who’s Xornoth?”

Scott would be lying if he said he wasn’t terrified of Jimmy’s reaction, but he has nothing left to lose, so he laughs bitterly and answers honestly. “My twin, also known as the demon that’s been terrorizing you.”

“What?”

“My twin. My older sibling.” He gives another little laugh. “The person who was supposed to inherit the throne of the elves.” Who was better than Scott in every way.

“What?” Jimmy sounds shocked and confused, but not angry, not yet, so Scott elaborates.

“Let me start from the beginning. My parents were two elven monarchs, one of the Sindar, and one of the Noldor. With other bloodlines mixed in, but the Sindar and Noldor is the important bit since those two groups haven’t always gotten along. Somewhere around fifty-five years ago, they started trying for kids. What they didn’t expect was that Xornoth and I are identical twins, only the fifth set of elven twins ever recorded.” Old legend says that elven twins are only born in times of great conflict, and Scott can’t exactly say it's wrong.

“Whoa.”

“Mhm. Xornoth was- is- technically the older one, who was always set to inherit the throne of the elves and unite our divided people. They were compared to Elrond, wise and powerful leader of another land named Rivendell far in the past, and I was Elros, his twin. Impulsive, snarky, human.” Scott spits the word a bit like a curse, not because he hates humans, but because he hates himself and all the ways he’s too much like them. He closes his eyes against a fresh set of tears, blinking away the memory of Xornoth’s face when he left Rivendell. “Our parents died when we were both quite young, and we were brought up expecting Xornoth to take the throne as soon as they came of age. I spent my time hanging out with mortals, instead, getting involved in things like mcc and 3rd life.”

“Ohhh,” Jimmy says intelligently. It’s such a Jimmy way to react to something so serious, Scott might laugh if the mood were lighter.

“When I was the elven equivalent of seventeen or so, Xornoth gave me a ring. This ring, specifically.” Scott taps the ring that’s still resting on his middle finger, feeling it hum in return. “Vilya, an elven ring of power. They told me to leave Rivendell and not return.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t know at the time, but they were being corrupted by a ring of their own, not to mention their own desire for power.” Scott feels Jimmy take his hand, and looks up to see gentle concern written across his husband’s face. He has to blink again, turning away and forcing his voice to stay steady. “I returned after coming of age while away to find that Xornoth had fled and I was now the heir of Rivendell. Which absolutely no one wanted.”

“Why not? You’re amazing!” Jimmy protests. He sounds so very sincere about it, which makes it all the more heartbreaking how utterly wrong he is.

“Remember when I told you that I’m not a very elven elf? That. I’m too human for their tastes, spend too much of my time with humans.”

“Well, I think you’re wonderful.”

Scott squeezes his hand tight, letting a little of his fondness show. “Thank you, Jimmy. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Something like confusion flashes across Jimmy’s face, and then he opens his mouth again. “Wait. Scott?”

“Yes, darling?”

“Did you give me an elven ring of power for an engagement ring?”

Scott looks away again, his cheeks heating up. “….Maybe.”

“Me! You gave me, little old Jimmy Solidarity, an elven ring of power?” JImmy’s half-laughing, but the sentiment behind the words sounds real. Too real, Scott thinks; it’s as if Jimmy doesn’t know just how incredible he truly is.

“You’re the most precious thing in my life,” Scott tells him, and he means every word. “I gave you everything I could offer.”

It’s kind of adorable how quickly Jimmy flushes, his face going red and his voice rising an octave. “Stop that!”

“Stop what?” Scott asks- perfectly innocently, mind you.

“Saying that stuff and giving me that look, you know what I mean!” He definitely doesn’t. “That soft one that- that makes me all blushy and stuttery!” Jimmy adds, and Scott grins a little. Jimmy’s just too fun to fluster.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he denies, though he’s sure his smile is giving him away as less innocent than he claims.

“I’m trying to scold you for giving me a ring of power that’s super important, stop- stop flirting, for goodness sake!”

“You’re hot when you’re flustered, though.” Scott barely restrains a yawn from slipping into his voice, trying to wipe some of the blood off his face so it’ll stop getting in his eyes.

“Let me get that,” Jimmy offers. Scott’s too tired to protest his fussing, letting Jimmy dab at the cut with a wet rag and bandage it. Jimmy moves on to cleaning out smaller cuts and scrapes, then the bruises, handing Scott some ice to put on the largest ones. It’s sweet, really, how fussed he is over even the smallest injury. Scott doesn’t think he deserves Jimmy taking care of him this gently, but he can’t bring himself to push him away.

Even if it is a bit annoying that Jimmy’s making him do math to check if he has a concussion. “Ninety-two, ninety-one, I swear I’m fine, Jimmy,” Scott huffs, “Ninety, eighty-nine, eighty-eight, eighty-seven, I literally explained elven rings of power to you, eighty-six, eight-five, can I stop counting now?”

“No.”

“Jimmyyyyyyyy.” Scott must sound like a whiny child, but he’s tired.

“Just a bit more? For me?” Jimmy asks. And oh, that bastard, he’s giving Scott the face that Scott can’t ever say no to. Bastard. Absolute bastard. Scott won’t give in, he won’t.

That determination lasts all of ten seconds before Scott sighs and gives in. “Fine. Eighty-four, eighty-three, eighty-two…”

Jimmy makes him count all the way down to seventy and then multiply together thirteen and twelve, which Scott doesn’t hesitate to whine about

“I can’t believe my own husband made me do math.”

Jimmy’s laughter is worth every second of the math, actually, Scott decides as his husband bops him on the nose. “I’ll make breakfast to make up for it?”

“You better!” Scott tells him. He’s trying to sound affronted, but it just comes out fond, much to his exasperation.

Jimmy laughs again and sets about making pancake batter, which Scott doesn’t hesitate to steal bits of even when Jimmy scolds him for it. It’s peaceful, being able to lean back in his chair and laugh when his husband tries to scold him for flirting. The morning light streams in through his window, casting the side of Jimmy’s face in a golden glow, He looks so alive silhouetted like that, a grin splitting his face and bits of flour in his hair. Scott’s breath catches for a minute just looking at him, the familiar ache in his chest returning, though there’s nothing truly tragic about the scene before him.

He shakes that off when Jimmy offers him the first pancake, shoving thoughts of the future aside. For now, he’ll drink hot chocolate in a sunlit kitchen and pretend his hands don’t tremble just enough to nearly spill it. He’s not going to think about the cuts and bruises scattered across his body, not when Jimmy is looking at him like that, with such utter adoration that Scott can barely believe his luck. How did he get a husband so sweet and warm when he’s as bitterly cold as a Rivendell winter? But whether he deserves it or not, Jimmy’s right there laughing along with him, and Scott can’t find it in himself to be unhappy about it.

This won’t last, he thinks as he watches Jimmy try to fit an entire pancake in his mouth just to see if he can. If Jimmy doesn’t die to his own idiocy or the cruel will of Xornoth, time will take him from Scott as surely as the stars shine above Rivendell. Scott is not Luthien or Idril or Arwen, the elven royals lucky enough to spend the rest of eternity with their mortal husbands; Jimmy will die, likely sooner rather than later, and Scott will be alone with the cold weight of a crown to bear and no sunshine to warm him.

This won’t last, but Scott says nothing of it, sipping his hot chocolate and smiling a little sadly into the mug as Jimmy rambles about different types of fish and their personalities. And if his hands are still cold, and he can’t stop a small shiver? Well, Rivendell has always been a cold empire, hasn’t it?

#scott smajor #jimmy solidarity #elf ocs #empires smp #flower husbands

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ramblings-of-a-mad-cat · 3 years

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(sees another fandom that I can ask you about and cheers) Orphan Black! Thoughts? I don't know Dr Who but Tatiana is one of my favorite actors period.

Anon you are so sweet! I'm always happy to chat about fandoms and characters and whatnot, and I will never not appreciate the majesty of Tatiana's acting. That is one of the greatest parts of the show hands down.

Orphan Black, to me, is a show that had incredible potential, but didn't really live up to the excitement it created. (Loooong post ahead.)

The thing is, Orphan Black builds a chilling mystery and background, the world it gradually creates as it goes for about the first two seasons, got be very invested and made me wonder a lot about where it was going to go and what the answers were. The setup is brilliant, right from the start with that iconic cold open of Beth's suicide. The unknown is what really helped this show get as thrilling as it was, because the actual answers behind the unknown were kind of hit and miss, and it seemed like far too often, the show just wasn't interested in telling it's story. Hijinks where the clones impersonate each other in slice of life events? That's fun at first and it really works well as they're still getting to know each other. But after a while, it gets tedious, and it seems like the show would rather fuck around and have dance parties (seriously, that scene was such a #BigLippedAlligatorMoment) than focus on the story and the threat that the sisters are facing. Virtually all of Allison's plotlines are like this, they feel like they belong in a different show, and for some reason the writers insisted on giving her one of these storylines like, every season. After Allison passively murders her own friend out of suspecting that she's spying on her, I just don't feel like an arc about her running for some PTA office position even matters. It doesn't feel right.

Speaking of that, here's another example: Donnie. Why did the end of the first season suggest that he was this secret mastermind working for Leekie? The whole idea just deflates in Season 2 and doesn't really go anywhere. He just goes back to being the bumbling sweetheart he was before. Why even have him be the spy? Maybe it should have been Ainsley. Do you want to know the exact moment that I think Orphan Black went wrong? Like, the specific scene? When Leekie was killed off. The character who had thus far been the Big Bad, gets taken out in the stupidest possible way, a literal accident on Donnie's part, and it's even played for laughs. After that point, the show really struggled to regain it's footing, though I don't think it completely went off the rails until about Season 4, and it was still generally hit or miss. Like, some stuff was really good. The introduction of the Castor clones, the development of Rachel's character (I'll get to her, trust me.) and the reveal of Kendall Malone. But it seemed like so much else was just forgotten or otherwise not resolved. Whatever happened to Cal? Sure, the show wanted to focus on the sisters...but Kira deserves to know her father if she wants to. That's just one example. It's a crying shame because this show is sometimes incredible. The metaphor that I always use for situations like this, is a card game. The show has all the right cards in its hand, they're just not being played.

The two strongest characters, at least to me, were Rachel and Helena. One of these characters was superbly written and went through a devastating arc. The other was Helena. We need to talk about her. In Season 1, she really cemented herself as a memorable presence with her trademark accent, her scars, her whole damn personality (again, hats off to Tatiana) and of course, that iconic screechy theme music that accompanied her. Which at first made us jump, but eventually made us cheer. I adored Helena, and I loved the development of her relationship with Sarah. Who went from shooting her in Season 1, to being deadset on rescuring her in Season 3, being furious with Siobhan for betraying her. (This is unrelated but Siobhan has the same " twist villain fakeout" at the end of Season 1 that Donnie does, and it's quite frustrating.) And yet, I swear, the writers just didn't know what to do with Helena half the time. They put her on a bus for long stretches, including one point where she just up and leaves Allison's house in Season 4, for no given reason. And the characters just kind of...don't care. The same thing happens when she gets arrested. No one cares to try and find Helena, even though she's unstable and often a danger to those around her. Even though she's by herself with no real ability to function in society. Even though she's pregnant. There is no excuse for this, and no Sarah, that "I'm sorry, I avoided you" scene in Season 5 is not going to cut it. It's such an afterthought.

I'm being rather critical, but I hope you can tell that this is from a point of passion. I genuinely enjoyed this show and getting to watch it. Just that sometimes it didn't feel like the show cared that I was watching. However, this was not true whenever Rachel was onscreen. Look, I'm a Merula Snyde stan, so you can probably already guess how I feel about Rachel. Despite her crimes, despite her constant slipping back the dark side, I felt so bad for Rachel at the end of it all. That scene with Kira really sums it up. "Who hurt you?" "All of them." And no scene is more intense than when she stabs out the eye cam. Like, I'm sorry, I pitied Rachel pretty much from Season 2 on. Her parents were horrible to her, and I'm supposed to think Ethan is the good guy here? He kills himself in front of his own daughter, telling her that she doesn't deserve him. And then Sarah shoots a pencil through her eye, causing brain damage and requiring a long recovery. I'm not saying that Sarah was wrong to do what she did, just that if I were in her shoes, I'd still feel a degree of guilt for Rachel's condition. In the end, I'm devastated that she was barred from Clone Club, when she made the right decision at the point it mattered. But there's just too much history there, and Sarah won't ever forgive her. (Though again, I do feel as though there's blame to share.) Rachel is my favorite character and I never expected her to be. But she's just so complex. Side note: "Enjoy your oophorectomy" is so damn quotable. I don't know why but I love that line.

So, Rachel's my favorite. Who's my least favorite? It might surprise you. It's Delphine. I'm sorry, but I just...I couldn't get on board with C*phine. Not after Season 3. I was waiting for the point that the show would push to finally redeem Delphine for her turncoat role, for all of the hell that she put Cosima through. By Season 5 though? I realized that as far as the writers were concerned? She already was redeemed. Even though she did nothing to earn it, except be presumed dead by Cosima. The way she treats Cosima in Season 3 is actually disgusting. Her reasoning for breaking up with Cosima is circular. She has to love "all the clones" in order to be with Cosima, and the way to do that is to take over Rachel's job, which means they can't date anymore? I'm not the only one who thought that didn't make sense, right? Oh and let's talk about how she stalks Cosima's date, breaks into her house, and threatens her life. Red. Flags. Cosima even says the line, "If you're not going to be with me, just let me go." I'm sorry, that should not be something she has to beg for. Delphine's behavior made me want her to stay far, far away from Cosima. Who is, incidentally, a sweetie and I absolutely adore her. I legit have trouble remembering that Tatiana's playing her because she just looks and acts so different. That said, even though I immensely disliked Delphine, I am so very glad that they made one of the clones gay. Just like I'm glad that they made one of them trans. (Though...Tony wasn't handled especially well.)

In general, I do think the earlier seasons were stronger. The Brightborn arc, while interesting, didn't really contribute much to the overarching narrative. We got the backstory on Beth's suicide and finally learned the truth about her, I suppose. Still, even though Beth is one of my favorite of the clones, and I never expected her to be either...I feel like the actual reason given for why she took her own life was rather illogical. She apparently did it because the investigation was putting the clones in danger of another Helsinki. Okay, but just because Evie Cho says you should off yourself, doesn't mean you have to. You could just, like...stop investigating. And if you die under mysterious circumstances without explaining anything to the sisters, they're not going to be put off from the investigation. They're going to look into this even more, because they don't know why they're not supposed to. The reveal that she and Art fell in love toward the end adds an extra gut punch, but it also doesn't make sense because wouldn't Art have referenced it during the period that he thought Sarah was Beth? On the other hand, Season 4 also introduced MK. And I have such a soft spot for her. I adore that sheep-masked sweetie. Everyone always asks "Which clone would you date" (because fandoms can think of nothing else I guess) and I never see anyone give any love to MK. Her death absolutely tore me apart. I am glad Siobhan avenged her even if she went down at the same time. Side note, her last word being the affectionate "Chickens..." Broke me.

Season 5 was a strange beast. In general, it seemed like we were finally getting some answers to the questions that were hanging over us. Exploring the deep mythos. But then they kind of turned it around and made it just be a Wizard of Oz style fraud twist. Westmoreland isn't really inhumanly old, he's a charlatan. I don't know why that was necessary in a science fictional show. I've seen the interviews and I get what they were going for, it just feels like it would have been cooler and far creepier if he was actually that old. The puppet master pulling the strings the whole time. We also finally get some answers for Kira's superhuman healing abilities (though we never learn how she's telepathically connected to the clones) and I'm loving it, but the trouble is, it's inconsistent. Ethan "Why is this guy so popular, he's an asshole" Duncan told Rachel specifically that Sarah being able to have children was a fluke, that the clones were "barren by design." I don't know, the whole concept of Revival and of the "magical island" was really foreboding and tied in with the earlier references to The Island of Doctor Moreau. Especially that song about "Revival's Children" just...the shudders, man. But just having it be a regular old scam is...a letdown. I know it may be more realistic, but I don't always need realism in my scifi. The finale is interesting, in that it's mostly an epilogue. I'm glad the clones (sans Rachel) got to live happily ever after, but there are two gut punches right at the end that are total nitpicks but they bother me. Helena naming her kids after Art and Donnie? And writing a memoir that she names "Orphan Black?" Those two tropes can go die in a hole. They can enjoy an oophorectomy, because I'm so sick of them.

The potential of Orphan Black was practically infinite. The results of Orphan Black fell frustratingly short.

#Orphan Black #Alison Hendrix #Rachel Duncan #Helena Orphan Black #Sarah Manning #Cosima Niehaus #Long Post #Beth Childs #Ramblings #Veera Suominen #Donnie Hendrix #Aldous Leekie #Ethan Duncan #Delphine Cormier #Siobhan Sadler #Clone Club #Arthur Bell #Tatiana Maslany

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ignitesthestxrs · 3 years

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i apoligze for this in advance but idk who else to ask. so i’m attracted to women like 92% of the time but i’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. it’s not super serious yet but i still find myself feeling sad about never having had a gf/worrying i never will and just feeling like a bad queer. i KNOW that it’s terribly biphobic of me to think that if i a femme enby date a cis dude i’m not queer enough. but i also cant get past it no matter how many times i look at these ugly brain thoughts

first of all: you never have to apologise for sending me stuff like this. it is a known facet of my tumblr, and while i know i am hardly around at all, i do periodically check my inbox and am never angry or annoyed or any other negative emotion to see people reaching out for help/advice. i don’t always have the mental bandwidth to respond, but i am only ever glad that people still consider this a safe place to reach out to.

there are a couple of things i want to address here! in no particular order:

you are not a future teller or a psychic, no matter how much your worries and anxieties insist that they know what is coming. the fact that you are in a relationship with a man in this moment has no bearing on what relationships you may find yourself in, in the future. the fact that the person you are dating currently identifies as a man is no guarantee that they will always identify that way, even! you could be with them for the next couple of weeks or for the rest of your life and there are a million permutations in between and around those two options.

what i’m saying is - obsessing over things you might not do in the future because of things you are doing now is a game that nobody wins. you have no guarantees of what the future is going to hold - you can make decisions now based on what you want and/or expect the future to hold, but stressing about the path not taken means that you’re going to spend all your time straining to see that path and like, walk into a big boulder in the path you’re actually on or something. currently, you’re not even stressing about the fork in the road that you came across. you’re on a single path, and you’re worrying about a path you haven’t come across yet, which may or may not diverge from the path that you’re on, or might be in a different forest entirely and and and- at some point you gotta love the path you’re on and take in the scenery, my darling.

which, incidentally - this path? not incompatible with queerness. and i know you know this, but feeling it can be! so hard! so i am here to remind and reassure you that - queerness is not an action. the nature of identity is not things that you do, it is the person that you are. you do not cease to be non-binary because your outfit changes - your fashion choices are simply a way of expressing your non-binary-ness, and they are not the only way, and if you are not using fashion to express your enbyness then that doesn’t make you not enby. you don’t stop being enby when there is no one there to look at you and make external judgements about your gender, and you do not stop being queer because you are a femme-adjacent person dating a cis dude.

queerness is a thing that you are. you can take actions that express that queerness more clearly to outside observation, but outside observation does not change the fact of your queerness. i will not deny that it can make it easier to participate in community, because community is in part made up of particular signs that individuals recognise in each other and gravitate towards - but who you date is only one such sign. i’m a lesbian who hasn’t dated anyone for over half a decade - am i less queer because i have not hooked up with a chick in that time? i am not. if i fuck a dude am i less of a lesbian? idk man that depends on how i feel about fucking a dude. am i romantically and sexually attracted to the dude, or was his dick just inside me? what if he just uses his fingers? i feel like i could feasibly have sex with a cis man out of sheer curiosity and still be a lesbian, sure, but what if there’s a single man that just perfectly meets me where i am despite my overwhelming preference and interest in women? what if that man is trans? what does that mEAN? at which point do we stop dissecting identity and carving lines into each other?

queerness is a useful umbrella term to cover those people who exist out of heternormativity - cismen attracted to ciswomen, ciswomen attracted to cismen, exclusively. the second the spokes of that umbrella start poking you instead of protecting you from the rain, it has ceased to do its job. identity is useful in that it helps us understand ourselves and it helps us find community in other people, but there are no perfect words that encapsulate the whole of our individual experience, and there are no individual experiences that perfectly match up with another person’s individual experience, even if we use the same word/s to describe ourselves.

you can’t be biphobic at your own experiences. it’s not biphobic to look at the way you have identified previously/up to a certain point, to recognise a difference in your current behaviour, and feel weird or discomforted by this difference. it’s not biphobic to need some time to figure shit out - who you want to be, how you want to identify, what outfit fits you best. i think identity works best as a conversation with yourself - i think we should all be checking in on ourselves to make sure that the way are living is expressing the way we are being. this urge to build walls of definable identity is a protective instinct meant to save us and gather us together from the very real threats of a heteronormative society, but it can also mean we get trapped in a place that no longer suit us.

some practical advice - if the idea of never dating a girl stresses you out that much, i’d take a break from dating this dude, because it sounds like you have some work to do in terms of figuring out what experiences you want to have in life. but only you can decide where that stress line fractures, you know? but if you read this post and you sit with it for a bit and you find that the experience of dating this man is still making you miserable, it’s okay to take some time away from it. you don’t deserve misery.

that being said - like, you’ve only been dating him a few weeks? it’s cool to just envision this relationship in terms of weeks. you truly don’t have to stretch the current experience you are having out to cover the rest of your life in one daunting ‘what if’. so long as everyone involved in a relationship is clear with the terms of engagement, go forth and short term yourself some fuckin joy.

i stress, i beg, do not deny yourself the pleasure of a joyful experience with another human soul now because you are worried about what this means about other people’s perception of some amorphous identity. you are queer. you are a femme-enby person largely attracted to woman, but dating a man. you are queer, you are enough, you don’t need to question that anymore. i think that the last year, last four years, last lifetime has more than proven that life is, frankly, too fucking short. seize your joy and run with it. whether that means dating this man or take a pause to breathe and reflect, or whatever else! you’ll still be queer.

be kind to yourself my love i wish you well <3

#hannah does advice #Anonymous

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bonemarroww · 4 years

Text

Something Else - Trans!(O) Amajiki Tamaki x (A) F!Reader

Summary: “You’ll get there someday!” Mirio always says. “You’ll do bette next time.” Tamaki doesn’t want to get there someday. And if every Alpha always does, well, maybe he’s something else then.

Warnings : None.

Feedback is welcome !

(I do not own the picture)

AO3

Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

—————————— Chapter 5

Tamaki couldn’t keep his nerves. He had to talk to her; he just had to. There was no way around it. Yet, as he was sitting against his mate on his bed, with the faint sound of his parents talking downstairs and the warmth of her thigh against his, he felt as if he was confessing all over again.

“Tamaki, love, is something wrong?” She worried. “Am I too close? Do you want me to step back a little? Or I can carry you to your nest if you want me to...” She fretted.

He shook his head to all of these, actually swallowing his nervousness to take her hand in his, hoping she wouldn’t move back. While he usually spent their time at his home in his nest –he was still working on letting her near it–, that time, he had wanted to cuddle with her.

Knowing what he wanted to talk to her about; it seemed fitting.

“There’s... s-something we should t-talk about... as... as mates.” He gave her a timid smile, not wanting to make her worried.

When she nodded, cuddling a bit into his shoulder and her scent just a bit stronger than was usual, he knew he had her attention.

“I’ve b-been researching and... and I talked to a doctor , and I’m... I’m thinking on t-taking that hormonal transition t-treatment.”

By the way her eyes widened slightly for a second, he knew she understood what he referred to.

In the past few years, a hormonal treatment had been made more accessible for people like him, who experienced a conflict between their identity and assigned role. It was effective enough, a bit expensive, but something Tamaki knew he’d be able to afford once he became a Pro-Hero.

Like all semi-experimental treatments, it was far from perfect, and had several serious drawbacks that had brought it the ire of a part of the community. The major one was, for a transitioning Omega, an artificially triggered heat the patient wouldn’t be able to suppress. It lasted from five days to two weeks, varying from a person to another, and was said to be insufferable for any patient who wasn’t lucky enough to have a stable mate to take care of them during that time.

Similarly, for the two first years post-treatment, the Omegas had to embrace their heats, violent as they were, or the body could stay stuck with uneven hormones.

This was precisely why Tamaki was nervous to have this conversation with the Alpha; by deciding to go through the transition, he was asking her for assurance of her commitment. When the time for his heats would come, he would desperately need her, and if she wasn’t ready to make these promises yet –or worse, if she decided she no longer wanted to remain his mate–, Tamaki knew he would have to wait before taking the treatment. Either until she was ready, or until he found another mate.

Her hand shot to squeeze his.

“Tamaki, if you’re certain you want this, for your own benefit and not for mine... Then I will be there for you every step of the way.”

The shy boy breathed a sigh of relief he didn’t know he was holding.

“Are you sure you are ready for its consequences, though?”

Tamaki frowned, not sure what his mate meant by that. Her cheeks looked a bit warm under his gaze, and she looked away with a sheepish smile.

“I mean, you do know you’ll have very... intense heats for a while, and we haven’t exactly been intimate like that yet.” She clarified.

A furious blush ravaged Tamaki’s face when he realized what consequences she was talking about.

They had been together for almost a year now, and he had gone a long way from blushing at the faintest hand holding to the occasional make out session. His mate had never protested at the lack of activity, nor had she tried to initiate anything more than what they currently had.

Of course, in the privacy of his own room, late at night when thoughts of her kept him too flustered to sleep, he had indulged in some fantasies; and he was secretly working up the courage to act on them. Still, she had a point.

“I-I guess we could wait a little...” He quietly conceded, a bit embarrassed not to have thought about this detail sooner.

With an amused purr, his mate came to nuzzle his shoulder.

“We’ll get there.” She kissed his neck softly, prompting his cheek to flare up. “Don’t worry.”

Tamaki woke up to the smell of his own sweat. He groaned in discomfort, trying to sit up from his nest. A slight draft of air felt fresh against his heated skin, and he sighed in relief. He could feel his hair sticking to his forehead, and a familiar heat pool low in his belly.

The spot next to his was empty, but he could smell from the still powerful scent that his mate had only been gone for a few minutes. His gut churned all the same, and his own scent grew sour. He needed his Alpha. Where was she?

A second later, the door opened as in in a hurry, almost banging against his wall in the process.

“Tamaki, are you okay?” His mate barged in the room; nostrils still flared as she had been alerted by his scent.

The Omega felt torn between guilt and need as she came closer to him. Anyone could see in the bags under her eyes how tired she was. Her hair was messy and dirty, as she hadn’t taken the time for more than a quick shower in days, worried he would need her when she was gone.

A few months after his graduation, they had taken the decision to start his transition. Being a new hero, and with Fat Gum’s comprehension and approval of his situation, it just felt like a good enough moment to start it; before a busy life of Hero work would make him delay.

So far, the medically induced heat had been brutal. The mix of hormones in his body had made him sick, lightheaded and feverish, for more than a week, and it didn’t seem to stop yet. Whenever he was feeling better, his body was taken over by raw need, an irrepressible craving for his Alpha’s touch.

He had initially assured his mate she could still go on with her studies and come for him later in the afternoon –he was, after all, a Pro Hero now, and he certainly could endure a bit of sickness. He had quickly been disillusioned as his first day of artificial heat had him begging for her presence.

She had, since then, essentially moved in his house to care for him all day (and night) long; bringing him food his parents made them, cuddling him in his nest (which he had allowed her to step into for the first time a few months before), bringing him medication for the side effects, and satiating his other needs all the while praising him for how brave he was being. Her third year wouldn’t be easy, but she assured him she had the teacher’s approval, and could always count on her classmates to take notes for her.

“I... I missed you...” He bashfully admitted, making himself a bit smaller under the covers.

Though they had often seen each other naked this past week, not really bothering to put on clothes between their frequent lovemaking sessions, Tamaki couldn’t say he was used to it just yet.

Her scent became stronger as she walked up to his nest, stripping her pants and bra to join him under the blankets. The Omega winced when she embraced him and kissed his neck, all too conscious of how sweaty and sticky he probably was.

“Missed you too.” She purred next to him, making herself comfortable against his chest.

The shy boy felt his heart clench at how tired she looked. He had kept her up all night, feeling insatiably needy. He hated how right now, having her pressed against him was making him a little bit horny again.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured, closing his eyes. “I’m s-so needy ... I hope you’re not... mad...”

Tamaki felt her stir against him, as she withdrew her head from his chest to look at him tenderly.

“Mad? No. I’m so happy.” She purred lazily. “Every day looks a bit less like sickness and more like a regular heat. Your smell is getting sweeter, it’s intoxicating. You’re so beautiful...”

The shy elf swallowed thickly. It was hard to concentrate when his mate was making him feel better so easily with her words.

“If you had known exactly what would happen... How- how tired it would make you, and how d-desperate I am... Would you still have gone through it with me?” He timidly asked.

Feeling his growing need for her touch in the way his scent wafted through the air, her hand found his chest, caressing it in slow, languid movements.

"Would you still have chosen to go through the treatment, knowing how uncomfortable you would get?" She countered his question with one of hers.

Tamaki huffed when her hand trailed slightly lower, though not quite where he needed her the most. It was fine, he decided. He could endure some frustration if that meant his mate could rest a little.

"I-I think so... Yes."

Her lips found his in a lazy kiss. When she parted from him, and he breathed strongly, she sighed as she made herself comfortable against him.

"Then I would have still been here with you. I love you, and I have no regrets."

When her purrs faded into soft snores, Tamaki gingerly hooked his arm around her. Now was his turn to watch over her.

#amajiki tamaki x reader #amajiki tamaki fluff #trans amajiki tamaki #omega amajiki tamaki #my hero academia #something else

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alexlabhont · 4 years

Text

I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

Chapter five

Book: Queen B - Choices (Universe)

Pairing: Poppy Min-Sinclair x Trans!Male MC (Beck Hughes)

Genre: Canon re-write (Because I can)

Rating: Ehm... 13 years < , I mean, is not that hard, but just to be sure.

I´ll be posting this one over here because Tumblr, for some reason, thinks my secondary blog is a bot...

This is me trying to write by and for the Trans community, specially FTM community, meaning, trans guys, but I actually took the liberty to use They/them pronouns for everyone out there who´s interested (Also, the name Beck was the most neutral one I could find, trying to use the cannon Bea Hughes)

Now, about the PAIRING... I will be using choices style, kinda, because I want to give you choice at some point. If you have any comment, PLEASE BE RESPECTFULL and patient with me. This is also my first english fanfic and english is not my mother language, so... i’m sorry fo the grammar errors

CHAPTERS

The beginning

Chapter one

Chapter two

Chapter three

Chapter four

ONE-SHOTS

Just a dance (Zoey x MC)

——————————————————————

“No.”

“What?”

“I'm not doing it.” Poppy laughed, trying to hide her anger towards them.

“Farmsville, come on…”

“I said no.”

The strawberry blonde closed her fist so hard she could almost feel the earpiece cracking.

“Honestly… This seems a little extreme. And I will never support any kind of hurtful pantomime.” Those icy eyes pierced right through her, a strength and courage radiating from them so powerful that Poppy would´ve been turned on if she wasn’t very pissed.

“Am I missing something? I thought you hated Chloe as much as we do.” Oh, right. There was Bradley. She almost forgot about him.

“As we do?” The irony in Beck’s voice was so palpable that she could see it slapping Bradley right in the face. “Has Chloe ever done anything to you that I´m not aware of, Hollywood?” Beck smiled tired, as to making fun of themselves. “Zoey was right; I shouldn't have come… “The simply mention of that girl´s name set on fire her blood to an unexpected level.

“That bitch…”

As Beck tried to walk away, Poppy intervened, full of rage.

“I didn’t think of you as one of those who´s afraid to actually do something!

And that´s where Beck stopped, as if something made click inside them. They turned around and for the first time in her life, someone’s look made her feel naked, completely exposed. The more Beck analyzed her, looking for something they only knew, the more vulnerable she felt. That moment lasted just a couple of seconds, no-one around them notice it but both of them.

“You’re right.” They finally said, reaching out for the earpiece which Poppy gave them doubting, giving out the other one to Bradley. For some strange reason she didn’t want them to participate anymore, but now they were necessary, it was too late. The operation had already begun, so she didn’t have other choice but linked her arm with theirs, walking into the dance floor.

“I´m counting on you tonight, Farmsville. Don’t disappoint me.” Once on the dancefloor, Poppy gave Beck a light shove and took a deep breath, trying desperately to erase any residue of the feeling they made her have. “You take the left side of the club. I´ll take the right. And remember, don’t let Chloe out of your sight.” That was the last thing she told them before parting ways.

~~X~~

The thing is…

She hasn’t seen Chloe in all the fucking night.

What were the odds? Surely the stupid blonde should be in Beck's side, the very thought of it tasting bittersweet… deep down, she knew the real reason to involved Beck.

They were a good person.

The heaviness in her chest was there since the moment she found out Chloe was taking the hook. At first she was thrilled, smash enemies, that was her favorite thing, having plans, blackmailing, humiliating… that was kinda her thing, and she loved it at some point… but Chloe…

Gosh, she hated her. But the memories of them playing, laughing, crying, growing together… a big part of her really wanted to make her pay for her betrayal.

But the other one, the little, small other one… the other one begged to have her best friend back.

Maybe that’s why she didn’t stop Beck when she saw them warning Chloe, telling her she should not trust any word coming out Bradley’s mouth. Maybe that’s why that previous moment with Beck was so intimate yet personal… Yes, definitely they were more observant than she gave them credit for.

After making sure Chloe was far away and all the attention was on Bradley, Poppy walked towards Beck, her bitch mask on as always. She would rather be caught dead before admitting she needed their help to protect her from herself.

“It’s go time. Let’s make this bitch bleed.”

Her words claimed, but her actions were something else. Feeling stupid, like a child, Poppy wrapped Beck's arms around her, searching for comfort, but giving them her back. She could feel their chest behind her, their heat warming her body and their breath close to her hair. Without realizing, her fingers caressed their forearms tenderly, her eyes never looked away from the stage, where Chloe was dazzle by Bradley.

This was it. Her plan was marching flawlessly, even though the first words spoken by Bradley were… well, definitely he did not know how to improvise.

“You’re up, Farmsville. Feed him his first line.” Poppy felt Beck taking a deep breath and hugged her tightly but gentle. Their mouth hided behind her ear, and suddenly, she forgot about the purpose of all the things she was doing.

Because for one moment, Poppy felt as a regular girl, hearing sweet nothings from her significant other.

“She’s got an amazing sense of style… Seriously, she dresses like a runway model. Whatever she walks into a room, everyone turns their head.”

Her heart was beating fast, a strange warm in her chest was growing, and their lips moving closer made her snuggle even more against them, being reciprocate immediately by Beck, holding her still.

“Whenever I’m around this girl, I feel like the king of the world. Not only is she so hot, she’s also compassionate… She shines this amazing light on everyone and everything around her. People who are lucky enough to be her friend can always count on her support.”

Poppy felt the playfully smile on Beck’s mouth, that idiot, even in times like this still managed to crack some joke around.

“You’re a moron.” She whispered.

“Think you could do it better? Be my guest.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“This might sound like a stupid question, but… do you know who I'm talking about, Chloe?”

And, as simple and quick as that, it all went down to reality. Beck broke the hug apart, walking away to the bar so quickly it actually made Poppy shivering from the sudden cold, feeling unprotected, like something was missing… someone was missing.

“Of course I do” she heard Chloe said. A weird mix between excitement and fear taking over her, while looking perfectly neutral from outside. “It’s Poppy, isn’t it? You’re talking about Poppy Min-Sinclair.”

Poppy's honey eyes went straight to Beck, who was pretending to do a toast, alone, in her behalf. She didn’t even pay attention to what was on stage. Beck admitted to her having sabotage her revenge.

And she couldn’t be more relieved about it.

She also reached for the bar, standing up next to them, neither of them looking at each other.

“Poppy, you have to understa…”

“I can’t say I'm not disappointed, but at least we got Chloe to look a little stupid up there.” Poppy interrupted them. Beck looked surprised for a second, nailing their gaze into their drink after that. “… By the way, the lines you fed Bradley were pure, vicious gold.”

“I got inspired, that’s all.” They murmured, almost ashamed.

Poppy didn’t had time to respond, because The T notification buzzed in her phone: Beck was now top nine, and, of course, herself was back on top one.

“Oh, it worked all right. I’m right back on top, where I belong.”

She couldn’t help but smile to them, a real, happy smile. She got her crown back, and the damages weren’t so bad after all. And it was thanks to Beck, they were a completely live saver. No wonder why Zoey was so eager to protect them…

Speaking of her… if she was as serious as she claims to be towards Beck, and since The T spies were already here… maybe it was time to make a really good move to prove her who's better. And she knew exactly how.

“You did your part. Now, let’s dance.”

Decided, Poppy grabbed their hand, trying to lead them out on the dance floor, but she didn’t get much. Beck was rock still, looking uncomfortable… Like with all of those girls.

“No, I… I don’t dance, Pops.” Are they really rejecting her? To her? No, she was not another stupid whatever girl, she was, again, the Queen. Nobody says no to her.

“Don’t be ridiculous, of course you do!” she said. “I’ve seen you dancing around with Wade. Don’t you try to deny it.”

“That’s different.” They defended themselves, making Poppy raise an eyebrow, challenged, before changing it to a flirty grin.

“Well… maybe I want to be different to you, too.” There it was, that precious lamb’s look she wanted so badly to see. “Just this one, tushi-face…”

Beck started walking almost right away. There it was, their soft spot for her Beck didn’t wanted to acknowledge, but it was already within them.

Not letting go their hand for a second, Poppy and Beck reached the dance floor right away to start to move to the beat in time, Beck trying… really trying to do the same.

Seriously, this dude was bad at this.

Was Zoey the answer?

No, they’re nervous, she could feel the tension in all their body. But why?

“What are you so nervous about?” She asked, feeling a little insulted.

“Paranoia.” They said.

“To what?” Beck only managed to shrug, something in their eyes was off, remembering something from… the past? Beck was afraid? Hell, what did Farmsville do to them? Poppy threw up her arms around their neck, leaning closer, trying to make him forget. “Don’t repeat this to anyone, Tushi-face, but… I needed you tonight.”

“Sounds to me like… You want me, too.” They joked, Poppy could feel the tension disappearing, nothing really to do with the conversation, but with the small petting she was doing to the hair close to Beck’s nape. “Be honest. Was this whole plan an elaborate ruse to get me on the dance floor?” Poppy smirked.

“Don’t be ridiculous, this was all about sabotaging Chloe.” She said, laughing. “Of having wanted it from the start I’d already have you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because I want you now, and I’m having you.” Beck expression was a poem, the surprise written all over them for a moment, processing the information.

“What are you saying, Poppy?”

“I’m a woman used to get only the best, Hughes. And once I put my eyes onto something… or someone I want, I’ll do anything to make them mine…” The sexual tension was in the air so thick it made everyone around just disappear, the sparks between they both, the way they looked at each other… full of hunger, of need… She wanted Beck, and they wanted Poppy just the same. She could feel it so clear in the way they were touching her back, delicate, yet strong, longing, like begging to the devil to stop, but not wanting to. Please, just end my misery… those eyes claimed, but their body, moving along with hers was screaming to continue, and Poppy got drunk on it, needing more… a lot more.

“Baby, you got lucky cause you're rocking with the best… And I'm greedy… so greedy” She sang whispering, stroking her nose against theirs, playfully, softly, their lips oh so close to hers she could somehow feel them tremble, the sensations intoxicating them both so badly. “I ain't talking money, I'm just physically obsessed… And I'm greedy…”

“Poppy…” They moaned and the strawberry girl couldn’t take it anymore, desperately claiming Beck’s lips with her own.

Her heart exploded.

Beck’s mouth was warm, soft, addictive. As the kiss continued, the need became more and more insufferable, she wanted all and everything. She wanted to feel these heady fireworks on each part of her skin, that tongue taking care of the flames in her body, their hot lips heating her as fire, their breath became poison and the cure at the same time, she stuck her body even closer, trying to feel theirs desperately… Never, anyone, had made her feel so much with just a kiss…

A kiss that suddenly went to a rude ending.

Beck broke apart the touch so promptly that it actually hurt inside her.

“No, I… I just can’t. I gotta go.” Beck was trembling, that was the last thing she managed to understand before being completely alone.

-----

#queen b choices #choices #queen b zoey #zoey wade #trans #ftm #poppy x mc #malemc #poppy min sinclair #bea hughes #Beck Hughes #choices stories you play #choices poppy #choices queen b mc #mc x poppy #queen b

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cats-moss-gays · 4 years

Text

@terflies

You’ve been all over my posts so I’m just going to consolidate into this one. I’m tired of scrolling past your long and quite frankly boring responses. This post will be divided into sections. If you’re going to respond please say something interesting. However I doubt either of us will ever change the other’s mind. These are kind of like closing statements and I doubt I’ll make anymore major responses because I’m trying to stay focused on offline things.

1. Unanswered Questions

There are some questions and statements in my reblogs that you conveniently ignored.

Definition of a woman? You responded with some generic bs that very clearly isn’t an answer. I’ll be more specific, what should the dictionary definition be? Any ideas?

If I don’t feel like a woman am I allowed to identify as one? You said you weren’t going to humour this question but it is applicable to me and many other gc women. I definitely don’t have any internal feeling of womanhood, or any gender. Does this mean I have to be agender? Is the female gender label restricted to a certain feeling? Or is there absolutely nothing that women have in common?

What is the feeling of womanhood? You kind of answered this but I have a follow up question. You say the feeling of womanhood is enjoying being perceived as a woman. If I feel indifferent to this does it mean I’m not a woman? Additionally, many women feel uncomfortable with being perceived as a woman because of the misogyny associated with the label, does this make them men?

2. Inaccurate Statements and Lies

I don’t believe any “TRAs” define women by gender roles

You may not but there are many who do. It’s also important to point out how deeply ingrained gender roles are in society; you can’t stop them by just saying your choices exist in a vacuum. I’m sure you think I’m just making this up for fun, so here are some examples ;) x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x

So this whole…thing is dishonest from the start. Gender does not replace sex.

In another post you said that laws should be based on gender instead of sex. So which is it, either gender isn’t replacing sex or it is. When feminists talk about sex based oppression they’re called terfs. When gay people say their attraction is based on sex they’re called transphobic. When people were saying that only females get cervical cancer, they were called violent transphobes. Gender is absolutely attempting to replace sex as the basis of legal protections, safe spaces, political movements, etc. Two of the top post on my blog are more extreme example of this. x - x

BONUS: You’re saying TERF rhetoric

3. The “Questions” Post

You seem very confused about how to define biological sex and to some extent I understand that but you have to stop playing dumb. There must be some way that doctors are able to identify the sex of a fetus before it’s even born in the vast majority of cases, right? And before you try to say I’m just ignoring the existence of intersex people or trying to deny science, I’ll point out that I have watched and read a lot of “sex is a spectrum” stuff. I understand that DSDs exist and that biology is complicated. Our disagreement is mostly not over the facts but over how to define them. I know that however I explain it you’ll pretend you don’t understand it, so instead I’ll just link you to some other sources that explain it more in depth. x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x - x

A third sex—and many creatures have more than two—does not necessarily mean a third gamete. Mostly this question is a childish distraction, but if you were to use a strict, gamete-based definition of sex the answer would be “none”.

So all infertile people are a third sex? To be female you have to be able to bear children? And you call me regressive, yikes. This can be debunked with the same sources from above but I wanted to feature it in my post because I want people to know that you think there’s a third sex.

I made a quick little chart to compare all the things gender has been compared to! The difference is that while many are socially defined, gender is socially constructed. If someone never interacted with other humans, they would still have a skin color, have or not have specific abilities, have a sexual orientation, and be male or female. They would not have an observable gender identity.

1 - You refuse to humor my questions about being a woman who doesn’t feel like one, however this is not in bad faith; I do want to know what you think. Many gc/radfems, including myself, and many women in general do not have a specific feeling of gender. This is especially true for gnc women, who often feel a disconnect from the feminine gender role and subsequently, the feminine gender. The solution is to realize that there are no standards to conform to to be a woman, no clothes or interests or feelings, just the biological reality one is born with.

2 - You say “the feeling of womanhood is enjoying being called a woman” but what does that mean? It’s circular reasoning, a fallacy called begging the question. How do you know you are a woman? If I gave up being a terf on tumblr, how would you advise that I identify if I don’t think I feel like a woman? My current plan was to just pick the mogai flag with the prettiest colors, but I’m thinking maybe there’s more to it than that...

3 - See my explanation above. Sex is comparable to race or disability or sexuality; gender is not.

4 - You say genders are social classes. If they are indeed social classes, they are unnecessary ones that reinforce oppression. They are undefinable when not based on biological sex or gender roles. The other example of classes I can think of is wealth. Wealth classes have obvious divisions, you can’t just identify into more money. Gender has nothing that is shared by every woman, man, or nonbinary, so you can just identify in and out of classes. Additionally, if there are like 100 genders, are there 100 classes?

4. The “Biological” Sex Post

Gender does not replace sex

Then why are TRAs trying to say sexuality, legal protections, bathrooms, spaces, political movements, etc should be based on gender instead of sex? You keep contradicting yourself; you should talk to your fellow trans activists because many would disagree. Also see my response in part two.

A number of points here aren’t factually wrong but simple (*simply) irrelevant

So you would agree that biological sex is important and that it is relevant to many conversations? Then why were people getting mad about this?

Or this?

On to the specific examples. This post is long enough already and I’m not going to spoon feed basic biology to you because you’ll probably just ignore it. I referenced a variety of sources earlier. I’ll just reference Invisible Women since it’s an amazing book.

1. This first point is, appropriately enough, true in isolation; it just doesn’t support Paradox Institute’s argument. Listing it leads the audience to believe that truth is on their side, but PI do nothing at all to justify that.

So nothing here is true? They’re just lying? Here are their sources btw.

2. Generally irrelevant, but not entirely biologically accurate, either. It isn’t that ‘male’ and ‘female’ are categories intrinsic to nature that produce small, motile and large, immotile gametes respectively; ‘male’ and ‘female’ are labels we assign (generally, but not always) according to gamete size.

So it’s not relevant that one sex has the ability to carry children or menstruation or get an abortion? It’s not like there’s any issues women face specifically for that, right? So we assign the labels male and female to gametes. If you want to play semantics, sure, we created the words, but the gametes themselves already existed. Not really sure what you’re trying to say here other than disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing and moving some words around. Are you implying that the categorizations of gametes are subjective? Are you saying there’s a spectrum of gametes?? Are eggs just big sperm and sperm just small eggs??? Genuinely have no idea what the fuck you’re trying to prove here.

3. Whatever your opinion of evolutionary psychology, this does not preclude gender. (On the contrary, we ought to include gender in our understanding of cultural development with respect to sex.)

The only gender in history was gender roles, and both were tied to sex in most cases. Sex absolutely came before gender and is more integral to our existence. In any time before the last few decades, gender and sex were basically synonyms.

4. Entirely a straw argument. And, to the contrary, precision greater than two sex categories would be beneficial (i.e. specific sex characteristics, history, endocrinology etc.).

Obviously doctors don’t just diagnose based on sex, they factor in medical history and other traits. Precision is irrelevant because it still focuses on sex not gender. If it’s “entirely a straw argument” why did someone else reblog your response with this?

Speaking as a member of a medical family, the medical one fucking OFFENDS me.

Blood type HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH GENDER. Or biological sex! Both are totally irrelevant! And medication dosage is determined by AGE and SIZE. A 25-year-old 160-pound person with a penis needs the exact same dose as a 25-year-old 160-pound person with a vagina. In fact, possibly LESS of a dose, if the person with a penis is 5’10” and the person with a vagina is 5’5”. (The taller person may be underweight.)

This is just. UGH. I could scream.

@prismatic-bell this is one of the funniest and dumbest replies I’ve ever gotten. First of all “member of a medical family” tf is that lmao. This reminds me of that post where the “medical worker” tra turned out to be a garbage collector guy. I have no idea why you brought up blood type when it is literally never mentioned in the original post. Strawman much? Fucking obviously blood type isn’t affected by sex, and you’re completely missing the point if you think gender has anything to do with this. Medication dosage is decided by age and size, yes, but also biological sex. This is like basic medical science, dumbass. Mandatory reading from Invisible Women as punishment for your stupidity crimes:

People called her a terf for this :)

5. How sports are best divided is a far broader question than this point implies. We could, for example, segregate sports by relevant physical attributes (as is already the case in some sports) rather than by sex or gender. This point also presupposes (but does not justify) that a woman having an advantage in women’s sports by dint of being trans is significantly greater than an advantage any woman might have by dint of her natural attributes (which, empirically, she does not) and hence would be unfair. That said, enforcement of “female” sports is already marred by racism and perisexism.

You agree sex and gender are different, yes? So then why should males be in female sports? You’re trying to distract me with that stuff about physical performance and whatever. Focus on the question at hand, should males be allowed into female sports? We cannot eradicate sex-segregated sports because female athletes will be even more systematically disadvantaged. If you were truly a feminist you’d understand that female sports are the result of the movement you claim to support. More Invisible Women facts plus some interesting info about the plough hypothesis:

6. Simply untrue. Excluding trans women from statistics about women on the basis that doing so would affect those statistics is arbitrary at best. Those statistics may change, but that does not mean they are unsuitable or inappropriate. The exclusion of any subset of women can be justified in exactly the same way.

Nope! Stop trying to use women of color and intersex women as justifications for why we should let men pretend to be women. You’ve seen the hundreds of receipts of trans women committing all sorts of male violence. Has anyone found anywhere near a comparable number of trans men doing similar things? They have not, even though if trans men were truly men they would be much more violent.

7. The majority of single-sex spaces are, functionally, just as much single-gender (owing to the traditional equivalence of ‘sex’ and ‘gender’ and to the majority of the population being cis. Trans people have been using spaces appropriate to their gender for decades, whereas concerns about them doing so are based on speculation and hypotheticals rather than fact. (Aided, as with a lot of bigotry, by bad and manipulated statistics.)

I’ve spoken about my opinions on the bathroom debate before. If a passing trans person uses the bathroom of their choice I don’t really care, but there have already been many examples of men making women uncomfortable in their bathrooms, or worse. Making all bathrooms gender neutral is by far the worst idea, but unfortunately that seems to be where we’re headed. More Invisible Women, just for fun:

8. This is the worst red herring, exploiting violent misogyny for the sake of argument. It is another straw argument, too, since—even ignoring trans-positive feminism in practice and assuming trans people act only in self-interest—trans people are concerned with addressing such injustice.

Sure, many trans people are supportive of feminism. But we can’t effectively dismantle the patriarchy if we can’t accurately describe the (sex-based) oppression involved. Women are routinely silenced when talking about our biology, even when there is no “transphobic” language involved. “Trans-positive feminism” also often reinforces misogyny by supporting sex work and porn, and by shutting down analysis of things like femininity and makeup because “some women like it.” See also from trans activists: misogyny racism homophobia + lesbophobia

9. Similar to (7) there is no consistent distinction between sex and gender across law. Even so, this is another red herring as it is possible to recognise both sex and gender in laws and policies. Some laws already do (at least functionally, if not explicitly).

You can deny it but the TRA train is leaving without you and they’ve been clear about their goals. As you’ve seen in this post, gender is intended to replace sex. Those who bring up sex-based issues are silenced as “terfs” who deserve the hatred thrown at them.

Sorry for making such a long post but I was on a roll so I just kept writing. I don’t expect @terflies to respond to all of this but I wanted an excuse to make some sort of masterpost that links to a lot of my other posts and can be used in the future. Online school is going pretty well and I’m trying to start some doing some hobbies that are better than tumblr blogging.

#my posts #discourse #factfem #receipts #masterpost #there's so many things mentioned in this post i'm not going to bother tagging them all #debunking anti terfs #terf

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