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cordeliawhohung · 1 month

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Leftovers [2/3]

Simon Riley x fem!Reader | a non-canon addition to my mafia!141 series

part 1 | part 3

warnings: unhealthy relationships, anxiety and depression, minor smut, possessive Simon, abusive behavior

you're his, now

wc: 4.6k

It had been months since the night your life ended and started again.

For the longest time, you were livid. Inconsolably upset at everything. A special type of betrayal festered in your chest where it rattled and raged against the hollow cavern between your ribs. That betrayal quickly revealed itself to be grief as the days went on. That utter melancholia threatened to suffocate you every time you thought about your old partners, The Prices. How they kept you like a pet, to be played and toyed with. How they decided to have a child without your input. How they only told you when they announced it to all their friends, like you were nothing more than a guest in their lives.

Then, there was Simon. Your savior. Or, at least that’s what he liked to call himself. It didn’t feel like salvation when he ripped you from the grasp of your old partner's bitter and unloving hands, not when you realized the cost of it. Lying wasn’t supposed to be synonymous with loving, and yet it was the very thing that had put you in the palm of Simon’s hands, made you so pliable for him as he fucked and marked you that night, making it impossible for you to ever return to your old life.

There was nothing but poison waiting for you with your old lovers, if you could even call them that. But being force fed the antidote hurt just as bad when that corruption had become the only comfort you had ever known.

Simon had a way of making things feel better, which usually consisted of him being anchored between your legs. If there was an issue he couldn’t fix by talking or kissing it away, then he would fuck it out of you, and you hated that it worked as well as it did. When you wanted to be mad at him for lying to you, for tricking you into giving yourself to him, his cock always ended up burrowing into your cunt. Your breath would be lost, stolen from your very lungs, and your words along with it. He had grown to know you so well that he was able to pull orgasms out of you with his eyes closed, rendering your brain numb and incapable of argument or resentment.

This cycle continued for what felt like forever. Your days would pass by with you rotting in bed in frustration and anguish as you choked on that antidote and feeling of betrayal, and when Simon had enough of your unresponsiveness, he would fuck you into submission. Coo and embrace you like a true lover would. It created some sort of dissonance within your very being. You were supposed to be mad at him for tricking you, and yet it felt divine being held against him. You couldn’t get enough of the searing sensation of his lips along your skin, or his breath caressing your ear as he slept.

It was agony being torn apart; forever caught between the gravity of your old lovers and the man that stole you from them.

Eventually, you woke up one day and it didn’t hurt anymore. Whatever frustration or anger that burrowed underneath your skin dissipated; vanished into thin air as if it had never existed in the first place. Things seemed brighter, you cried less, and Simon looked at you with adoration rather than pity for your shattered mental state.

Perhaps it was the ignorance that made things better. Without any access to the Prices, you had no knowledge at all of how they handled your absence, if they even cared at all. All you knew was that you had managed to find solace within Simon, despite the terrible start to your relationship. He really did take care of you, just like he said he would. He insisted on paying for everything, refusing to let you work, and provided you with everything you would ever need.

After all, you were his now.

Which was why you found yourself in front of a boiling pot of water in the kitchen of his apartment. Without the use of your phone, Simon had given you an old CD player to keep you occupied as you cooked or went about your day. Radiohead’s album In Rainbows droned on in the background as you mixed the pasta around the pot to keep them from sticking together. Spicy marinara bubbled on the next burner over, and its heavy aroma hung thick in the air around you, leaving you in a mouthwatering stupor.

Just as the alarm on the stove went off signaling the pasta was cooked, the deadbolt began to jingle behind you. After you turned the burners off, you quickly slipped out of the kitchen to greet Simon, who flashed you an entertained smirk. Exhaustion pulled at his eyes, yet they always seemed to light up when they landed on you, and you couldn’t help but grin up at him. It wasn’t often that he got home before ten, as his new job often kept him late, so you were ecstatic that he arrived just as you finished cooking up dinner.

“Smells like you’ve been busy,” he chuckled as he locked the door behind him.

“I thought I would have to leave some out for you again,” you admitted. His hands found your hips and he drew you closer, catching you in his gravity. “I’m glad you’re home.”

Before he allowed himself to respond, Simon squeezed your hips as his lips descended onto yours. It was the way he always greeted you when he arrived home from work, like he couldn’t get enough of you, or more accurately, like he knew you couldn’t get enough of him. You could taste the stale cigarettes on his breath, and the slight hint of mint that he used to attempt to cover it, and it took everything in you not to moan at the flavor. He was the one to pull away first, and your lips curved into a smile as his thumbs rubbed soothing circles along your hips.

“Let’s eat, yeah?” he prompted.

It didn’t take long for dishes to be served and for both you and Simon to settle on the couch in the living room while some programme droned on in the background. Even during meals you always huddled close to him as if you would die without his heat. Your leg laid pressed against his as you leaned into his side, and had Simon not been as large of a man as he was, you certainly would have smothered him with your presence.

“How was work?” you questioned once half your plate had been emptied.

“Was alright,” Simon replied with his mouth full of pasta. “Bit slow.”

“That why you’re home early?”

“Mhm.”

Simon never seemed like much of a talker, and neither were you until recently. A majority of your life had been spent in silent pining for your basic needs and desires, but once Simon had stolen you away, it was like all you ever wanted to do was talk. Perhaps it was because he genuinely seemed to care about what you had to say. Or maybe it was because some sort of loneliness still managed to creep into your life, like a ghost that haunted you.

“I’m glad you’re home early,” you admitted. “I’ve been missing you all day.”

“I missed you too, sweetheart. I always try to come home as soon as I can,” Simon assured you.

A twinge of exhaustion lurked underneath his tone, screaming at you that despite the fact he got off early, he certainly had a long day. He always seemed drained after arriving home, proving to you just how hard he worked in order to support you, to give you the life he told you that you deserved. You always had someone who would crawl into bed with you, someone who wasn’t ashamed to show you affection and love, someone to truly take care of you. Despite the circumstance, Simon was everything you could have ever asked for. Everything you would ever need.

So why did it feel like something was missing?

That night after the dishes were washed and the lights were turned down low, you and Simon hid underneath the covers where your limbs intertwined with one another. For some reason he always insisted that you sleep naked, and though you weren’t sure why, you didn’t really mind. In fact, feeling the warmth of his body seep into you was so intoxicating you probably would have come to that conclusion even without his prompting. You couldn’t get enough of his scent, or how his skin felt against yours, and even though the two of you had laid in bed for nearly twenty minutes you buzzed.

Nothing could satiate your need for him. You wouldn’t be satisfied until you were able to crawl into him and hide yourself away underneath his very flesh. You wanted to shrink yourself down, become some small thing, and tuck yourself into his pocket to be forever stuck with him. A vile yearning for him tainted your very essence, and yet you wished it would destroy you all the same.

“What’cha so wiggly for?” Simon questioned, half awake yet still teasing.

“I missed you,” you whined as you buried your face further into his bare chest.

His chuckle sounded low and grumbly in his throat as his arms wrapped firmly around your center. Wandering hands caressed along your hips and down your thighs, traversing and memorizing every single dimple of your flesh like it was the only story he ever wanted to know.

“I’m here now, love,” he hummed.

“I know, I just get so lonely when you’re gone,” you admitted with a pout. “You’re gone forever at work, and I just wanna talk to you. I was thinking that maybe if I had my phone back I could message you-”

“What did I say about your phone?”

The tone Simon used to cut you off was sharper than anything you had ever heard from him before, and it stopped you in your tracks. There was a fatigued sort of frustration that drenched his words which left a part of you wishing that you had never opened your mouth in the first place. He was too tired, too irritated to have a conversation, especially one like that, and you were afraid you had pushed his buttons a bit too much.

You swallowed hard as Simon’s hands moved to your chin, forcing you to look up at him through the dim light rather than keep your face hidden in his chest. Darkness obscured his face, making it near impossible to truly read his expression, and yet you found your bottom lip quivering all the same.

“Sweetheart,” he urged, softer that time, “what did I say about your phone?”

“That it’s… better if I don’t have it,” you answered as your teeth bit into the inside of your cheek.

“Yeah?” His hand moved from your chin to your cheek where his thumb gently rubbed at your skin. The notion was comforting, soothing even, yet you knew he was truly checking for tears. “And why’s that?”

“Because then the Prices won’t be able to contact me.”

Just like that, your mood was ruined. Any reminder of your past lovers was a painful one. Even after all those months they still seemed to have some sort of control over you, and the fact that they could sour your mood with just a simple memory was dehumanizing. Your somberness was so potent it exuded from your body like fine mist, and Simon’s caressing of your face increased tenfold in an attempt to calm you before things became catastrophic. You were his sweet, fragile girl, after all.

“Right. And it’s better that way, isn’t it sweetheart?” he concluded softly. “It’s better here with me, because I take care of you, don’t I? I don’t neglect you, or treat you like some pet.”

Although he was right, it didn’t make the bitter ache in your chest go away. Simon did his best to sooth the pain with his hands and words, and you shivered as his fingertips traversed from your face, to your shoulders, and down your waist. He had to find some way to distract you, some way to remind you that he was the only one you needed, and that you had to stay far away from Price and his trophy wife. You were too good for them; he needed you to know that.

“You’re mine, and I’m yours, that’s what we agreed on, yeah?” he continued. His hand began to dip lower, moving from your waist, over your stomach, and between your legs. Your breath caught in your throat as his fingers burrowed between your thighs, searching for access to your not quite slick cunt. Your emotions were too high for you to be wet, Simon was well aware, but you both knew he could change that within an instant. “They’ll never see you again, never get to abuse you again because I’m here to protect you. I love you in a way they never did.”

Right as he spoke those last few words, his fingers greedily swiped against your clit, and your legs had no choice but to fall apart and grant him greater access. A gentle tremor shook the bed as Simon repositioned himself, pushing you on your back so that he could hover over your exposed body like it was a fresh meal just for him. Famished lips descended onto your neck as his fingers prodded against your entrance, forcing your mind to go blank with longing.

“Needy thing, aren’t you? Need my full attention? I’m sorry, sweetheart, shoulda fucked you the moment I got home, huh? I’m all yours, and you’re all mine. Say it,” Simon urged as he still withheld himself from you.

Squirming, you reached out for him with wanting hands as you snaked your arms around his neck. This was how he healed you, with his fingers teasing your cunt and his saccharine words plugging your ears. There was nothing else in the world you needed besides Simon. Every chord of your body yearned for him as if he was the only sustenance your body craved. This was how he healed you. With honeyed words and a worshiping mantra reminding you of who you belonged to.

“I’m yours.”

That night only added on to the other countless evenings spent with Simon tucked between your legs to voraciously consume you whole. There was no thinking to be done when he could mercifully do it for you, and you were content with that. At least, you thought you were. Things always became difficult when Simon vanished off to work, and he would do his best to make it up to you when he arrived home, to distract you from the empty feeling that seemed to fester inside of your chest. But no matter what he gave you, what he did for you when he was home, your mind always wandered when he was away.

You couldn’t help but think back to when you lived with the Prices, how cold and lonely that house was, and how colder still your lovers were. Mr. Price — no, John — had sent you over to Simon like a bitch; some obedient pup meant for entertaining but not for loving, and it didn’t make sense. He had sent you over to comfort Simon so flippantly, yet acted as if the world had ended when you never returned back to them that terrible night. Was there some sort of miscommunication? Was that never his intention at all? And still, they left you out of the imperative conversation about their pregnancy like it never concerned you at all.

You were spiraling again, and Simon was able to pick up on it just as easily as he could sniff out a bad wound. He could only keep you caged up so long, and he knew he needed to remedy it before he was back at the beginning with you. So you shouldn’t have been surprised when he arrived home one day with a gift. Beautiful, blush pink cloth sewn into a perfect sundress sat underneath delicate tissue paper, and you had a hard time hiding your awe and surprise when you revealed the astonishing dress. Simon’s eyes seemed more dilated than normal when he saw you hold it up to your body, and you caught onto his small smirk.

Without hesitation, you slipped into the dress at his prompting, and you were ecstatic to find that it fit perfectly. Simon had gotten used to your sizing after having to buy you a whole new wardrobe after you escaped the Prices, but even then you were impressed at how well it formed to your measurements. It was as if Simon had every inch of your body memorized after the months you had spent together to the point that there was no way he could mess up your sizing. You couldn’t help but smile knowing that no one else had ever done that for you before.

It didn’t end there. With Simon having to work longer hours that night than normal, he insisted on taking you out to lunch, which was something you couldn’t ever recall doing. Ages had passed since you had even stepped foot out of Simon’s apartment, and you couldn’t remember the last time you felt the sun on your skin. You didn’t know why he hadn’t taken you out sooner, but if you had to guess, you were certain it was for the same reason he did everything else; to keep you safe from the Prices.

The restaurant Simon took you to was the fanciest you had ever seen before. Several art pieces adorned the walls with such vibrant shades you were convinced that the art itself cost more than whatever it took for them to construct the building itself. Crystal chandeliers hung high above your heads, and before either of you could order the waiter had filled your glasses with the finest of wines. The menu itself didn’t even have any prices, but Simon didn’t seem at all concerned with it, and insisted that you ordered whatever you wanted.

There was something deliciously domestic about being there with him. You belonged to him, and he belonged to you, that much was evident, but there was something exciting about being able to show that fact in public. To prove that someone loved you enough to show it off, rather than hide you away. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t wipe that grin off your face as the two of you talked about nothing while eating the mouthwatering meals on your plates. For a moment, you two were the only beings in the world.

For a moment.

A flash of something caught your attention. Maybe it was a giggle, or the cooing and awing, but all you knew was that your eyes suddenly glued themselves on the patrons a few tables away from you. For a split second, you thought you saw them. John and his wife. It wasn’t them at all, but you realized you only feared that because this woman, this beautiful woman with her glowing skin and healthy laugh, was pregnant. Obviously so, too, as her stomach swelled and stretched with the growing life inside of her. Her husband could hardly take his eyes off of her, constantly reaching across the table to hold her hand despite her attempt at trying to enjoy her lunch. It was… stomach lurching.

By that point, Mrs. Price would be four months along. Or, no, more than that for sure. It had been four months since you had been taken from them, since you had even heard from them. Four months without closure, or the opportunity to talk and get answers. A part of you needed to know why things happened the way they did, but you were completely in the dark. All you had received was whatever Simon spoon fed you, but it wasn’t enough. You weren’t sure if it would ever be enough. Maybe you had been empty for too long to ever be full again.

“Everythin’ alright, sweetheart?”

Your eyes tore away from the unsuspecting couple and landed back on Simon. He studied you carefully with a neutral expression, but you saw the slight press of his lips. Dark red wine faintly stained his pale skin, yet you couldn’t find yourself able to appreciate the beauty of it. All you had was a rotten feeling in your stomach and the sudden urge to vomit.

“Yeah, of course,” you lied.

Things got bad again when Simon left for work that night. Maybe it was the knowledge that he wouldn’t be home until late that made your brain ceaselessly buzz. Or maybe it was the image of that pregnant woman at the restaurant, the one that reminded you of the suffering you had to endure all those months ago. You attempted to silence that incessant sound in your mind as best as you could, because you knew you couldn’t afford to blow up, so you did anything to distract yourself. Music blasted through the CD player louder than it ever had, certainly to the annoyance of your neighbors, but for once you found yourself incapable of caring about anyone but yourself.

When that didn’t work, you put on a movie instead. It wasn’t one you recognized, just something you had flipped to when you were browsing through streaming services. You had gotten dressed in one of Simon’s plain tees in an attempt to drown yourself in his scent, and yet that didn’t dull the ache either. All you could think of while the images flashed in front of you on the screen were the movie nights at the Prices. How John would make you cuddle up next to Simon, how the only comfort you could find was in his beating heart as he held you close to him…

There had to be a reason for it all.

When the movie ended and there was nothing to accompany you but silence and the sound of your own breathing, that’s when you knew you couldn’t handle it anymore. You needed something. You needed answers.

Like a feral rat, you began to search every nook and cranny of the apartment for your phone. If you could find it, maybe you could get some answers from John. Even if Simon said it was bad for you, you knew you needed closure, no matter how much it hurt. Wherever Simon had put it, it was well hidden. You nearly tore apart his dresser, every drawer in the kitchen, the corners of the bedroom closet; everywhere you could think of, and it wasn’t there.

Just when you were about ready to tear the floor up, you finally found it. Really, you had half expected him to have thrown it away, yet there it sat underneath the bathroom vanity, hidden behind a myriad of cleaning supplies so far back the overhead light couldn’t illuminate it. When you finally had it in your grasp, you nearly cried, and you weren’t sure why. A fit of emotions bubbled in your stomach, each of them violently conflicting, yet frustration took over when you attempted to turn the phone on and the screen wouldn’t light up. Of course it wouldn’t, it hadn’t been used for months.

Rushing off to the bedroom, you quickly borrowed Simon’s charger and let your phone sit on the nightstand as it ever so slowly charged. Answers almost within your reach, and yet your anxiety bubbled up more than ever as you waited for that black screen to flicker to life.

It took ages for the thing to fully load up once it was charged enough to turn on, and you held the device in your shaking hands. All your old apps appeared on the screen, countless pictures that you had taken over the years, but the most eyecatching of them all was the amount of notifications you had for your text messages. 172, all within the last four months.

When you clicked on the app, you quickly realized that all of those messages had been sent by John, and you hated the way your stomach dropped. But this was what you wanted, wasn’t it? Answers? To have him explain why he did what he did? To make it stop hurting? With a heavy breath, you clicked on his name, and the app instantly scrolled up to the very first message he had sent in his cluster over the last few months, and it was then that you noticed something was wrong. Just before his onslaught of messages, there was a reply sent by you, one you didn’t remember sending.

Don’t contact me again.

This wasn’t you. That had to have been Simon, because he had taken your phone from you before you ever got the chance to respond to them yourself. Their worried messages, their pleading for you to come home, to know that you were okay. It didn’t work, obviously. The next few messages after that one was full of John pleading to speak with you, of several missed calls, of him apologizing for anything they did to upset you. The texts dated back only hours, sometimes minutes apart, and it was strange. You had never seen him so desperate before. Not for you.

Eventually they seemed to stop for a while, only to start back up again weeks later. There were plenty of comments saying how much they missed you, how they wished you would change your mind and come home, and it felt… wrong. Hadn’t Simon told them that you were with him? He told you he did. He had even quit his job with Price because he didn’t want any bad blood, so why did they act as if you were lost? Like they didn’t know where you were at?

Confused, you continued scrolling, eyes glossing over at the repetitive messages, until eventually you stumbled across pictures. Baby clothes. Cute little shoes. Ultrasounds. Pregnancy announcements. A gender reveal. They were having a girl, and they painted the nursery a cute shade of pink, just like the dress Simon had gotten for you that day. And then there was a video. It was short, and though it wasn’t visually stimulating, it had a rhythmic pulse accompanying the audio. The baby’s heartbeat.

Wish you were here to share these moments with us.

You weren’t able to stop the tears streaming down your face, or the food that came back up to say hello. Indignifying as it was, you sobbed on the cold bathroom floor as you vomited and continued to dry heave the emptied contents of your stomach. Everything crashed down on you all at once, and yet you felt numb at the same time. Nothing made sense. Why were they still trying to talk to you after all that time, like there was still a chance you would return?

Then, you suddenly thought back to the morning Simon admitted his lie to you. How he had done it so easily and without remorse. How he grabbed at your cunt like he… owned you. You would have thrown up again at that thought if you had more food in your stomach, but you instead rose from the cold tile to rinse your mouth. You didn’t feel like a lover. You didn’t feel cared for. For the first time in months, you felt like a pet.

So you did the only thing you had ever been good at doing: you ran. You ran just like you did back at John’s club, and every other time your emotions conflicted so bad you swore you would die. After you gathered a small bag full of personal items, your phone and wallet included, you rushed out the door and didn’t bother to look back as it closed behind you.

an: this was only ever supposed to be a one shot, but i decided to expand on the story a little more, as i felt the first part wasn't able to fully convey the story i was trying to tell. once the 3rd part is posted though, that'll be it, so please don't harass me about more parts again (: gives me anxiety

#simon riley x reader #ghost x reader #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley smut #ghost smut #f!reader

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beans-in-soup · 1 month

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LOVE YOURSELF

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Warnings: Self harm, infliction of pain, hurt comfort

Syno: Hazbin characters finding out you SH.

Req by: @valentin0000

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Lucifer:

how they find out — Lucifer suspected you were going through something because he knows how it’s like to be depressed and he senses those signs from you, he catches you in the act one day while you are harming yourself.

What they do- he doesn’t really know what to do at the beginning, when he first catches you, he gets a little angry at himself that he couldn’t help you before you got to the point of inflicting pain onto yourself, he kinda just would cradle you and tell you all the reasons he likes you for you. Later that evening he’d go deep diving into mental health, he learns a lot a he learns some things that help him with his mental health as well. He tries things that he’s learned online to help you and tests multiple distractions to maybe see if any of them work for you. He’s uneducated on the topic but he will go out of his way to learn more and keep you safe.

Angel dust:

how they find out — He didnt suspect you’d be doing those types of things because you were always so calm and relaxed around him, not an ounce of stress or anxiety on your features at all. Until one day Husk was talking to him about how everybody acts when they’re drunk and when husk got to you his demeanor changed and he said that the way you acted when you were drunk was tad concerning. Later that day he questions you and you fess up.

What they do- He nods when you fess up but doesn’t bug you on the topic anymore instead he just quietly walks away in understanding and goes to cry in his room, he felt really messed up about it and couldn’t drop it after that because he knows how it feels to feel so helpless that you turn to negative things to keep you “happy”, the next day he decides to help you with the way he helps himself when he gets like this, so he goes into your room and offers to get your mind off some things and go shopping with him instead. That becomes a routine for you two, whenever you get the temptation to take the pain out onto yourself or when you have anxiety or breakdowns, you can always go to him and he’ll distract you with another hangout session, most of the time he’s getting you out of the hotel for some fresh air whether that be for more shopping, watching a movie, or eating some food he’ll do it just to make sure you don’t hurt yourself anymore..and you best believe the check is always on him!!

Vox:

how they find out — He wasn’t trying to intrude or be creepy, he really wasn’t but, he watches everybody in the Vee tower with cameras, and when his camera happened to stop on you and show what you were doing in what you thought was a private area, he kinda glitched out for a second.

What they do- He immediately zaps around the tower to go find you, once he sees you in the living room of the Vee tower, he confronts you head on about the subject, it almost throws you off and if you were a tv head like him you’d be glitching too. You question how he figured it out but he says to nevermind that. He gets a little angry not at you but mostly at himself, he really does appreciate you he just doesn’t know how to show it, so instead he strictly tells you to never hurt yourself again, or he’ll have to hypnotize you not to. He knows that just firmly telling you won’t help, so instead he has more cameras set up around the tower for extra measures..and whenever he sense you’re feeling slightly off, he keeps an extra eye on you.

Valentino:

how they find out — you kinda told him yourself, he didn’t really think that you were feeling sad or depressed in any way, until he asked to shower with you and you kept denying, which was odd of you since you guys have bathed and showered together many times, Valentino is about to throw a pissy fit and ask you why in his usual whines until you come out and just say it.

What they do- he’s stunned, he instantly feels like and asshole for bugging you and, he pulls you into him to cuddle, that’s how you both stay that night, cuddled up and crying into eachother with kisses and everything. Val doesn’t really know how to make you feel better per say, so he does what he’s good at, which is gift giving, he puts his money to good use on you, hoping it will make you feel better, he may even buy you a hellhound or another hellish support animal to keep you happy while he’s gone at shoots, he’ll also ask Vox to install cameras on you as well behind your back. And he’ll treat and spoil you like royalty!!!

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Hope you guys like, also I hope I did you justice @valentin0000 !!!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

#self care #hazbin hotel vees #hazbin hotel vox #hazbin lucifer #hazbin valentino #hazbin angel dust #lucifer x reader #lucifer morningstar x reader #vox x you #vox x reader #valentino x reader #valentino x you #angel dust x reader #angel dust x you

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chronicbeans · 3 months

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Romantic Lucifer x Maladaptive Daydreamer, Sinner Reader

Not me self-projecting or anything 👀. Plus I love the whole "dreamer and broken dreamer" dynamic I can make with this, even if it isn't the same type of dreams. This is based on my own experiences, but I'm trying to make it more generalized lol.

TW: Maladaptive daydreaming, mentions of depression and anxiety, escapism and dissociation, poor self-care from forgetting, fear of disappointment and disappointing others

• You probably met him at the Hazbin Hotel, to be honest. Normally, he wouldn't even look at a sinner. You're also not outwardly that different, either. The only thing that he might notice is that your eyes always look a bit distant, but he'd probably not question it. Why have a conversation with someone who is not present and in the moment?

• Charlie would have to introduce you, too. As said before, he wouldn't see the reason to talk to someone who doesn't seem to be paying attention. If Charlie wants him to talk to you, though, he'd do so. He wants a closer relationship with his daughter, and if simply introducing himself to you makes her happy, he would! Though, he is shocked to hear you are, according to her, an interesting person to talk to.

• So, he follows her over to you, all while she's saying "(Y/N), this is my dad, Lucifer! Dad, this is (Y/N), a guest at the hotel! They're a bit spacey, but they're trying their best... They're pretty unique, too! I'm sure you both will get along!"

• Once he gets a closer look at you... yes... you're very unique, to say the least. You look a little disheveled, but at the same time, like you're trying to look presentable. The look in your eyes also seems to flicker between paying attention and drifting off into your own head as he talks. When you respond, though, it sounds like you're at least retaining the basic information of the conversation.

• It takes a long time for him to actually become interested in spending time with you. Sure, you're an odd sinner, but still a sinner, and sinners are the worst in his opinion. However, he does visit the hotel every now and again to check in on Charlie in person. He's realized that calling her is not helping them get closer, even if he's still a bit confused as to why, so he's been visiting in person. Over time, he begins to notice odd things you do...

• You usually sit in the lobby, with a few other sinners, but don't talk to them often. Instead, you just sit there, making odd facial expressions every now and then. At first, he just assumed it was you reacting to the conversations the others were having, until he realized many of your expressions don't fit the topics. They'd be talking about exterminations, while you look calm, or about a pleasant event, with you looking sad or angry. Then, they'd be talking about fashion, and you'd look mortified. This sort of behavior interests Lucifer... You aren't like any other sinner he's seen. He, honestly, probably just assumes you're hallucinating or something. He'd rather ask Charlie, though.

• Unfortunately, she doesn't give away much about you. Something along the lines of "not wanting to talk to much about someone's personal problems without their consent", or whatever. He understands, but come on! He's her dad! A little gossip would be better than what he sees as a long silence between them. She does assure him, though, that you are not hallucinating. That, and she pushes him to interact with you, saying that his perception on sinners might change if he talks to some of the ones at the hotel.

• It's something that frustrates him... however, he pushes himself to do so. Anything for Charlie. Though, to him, it feels less like he wants his views to change and more like she's trying to to avoid talking to him. She never calls, after all... He still tries talking to you, though, and every time you seem extremely distant. That same flickering attention and that same disheveled look. Though, you definitely look worse than when Charlie called him to visit the first time, probably because you were caught on a regular day.

• You do make a few interesting statements, though. Mentions of days flying by fast, barely remembering parts of your life, a journal Charlie recommended you begin writing... Now you're getting interesting! Like a little mystery. He wants to figure you out.

• He'll try prying to get you to speak about yourself. What was your life as a human like? What were your sins, or biggest sin? Why do you look so... distant, all the time? Give him an answer! He'll take what he can get, and won't get upset.

• Daydreaming. That's the answer you give for looking distant. You don't really explain your answer, as if it should speak for itself. Though, you do mention that you're aware it's a "big problem", at this point. Dreaming... ugh... He doesn't even like the word, at this point, even if your type of dreaming isn't the same as his.

• You don't seem to want to tell him what you daydream about, outside of saying it's the types of things you can write a book about, instead of a simple self-fulfilling fantasy. You've got him hooked, now. This mystery has shifted gears. No longer is he as interested in you in general. Instead, your dreams are what he must know about. Which, granted, they probably will tell him a lot about you if they're so personal that you won't tell him.

• Whenever he spots you writing, he tries to sneakily look over your shoulder to read it. Usually, though, you spot him walking over before he can even try and close your journal. You do the same when anybody else walks by... except for Charlie. It honestly doesn't surprise him, since most everybody in the hotel seems to trust her, to some extent. He's just so frustrated. He wants to know more, but you won't say a thing, and Charlie won't, either!

• So, he decides to bite the bullet, and ask Charlie for help. Not the answers to his brewing questions, but instead about things you like. Interests the two of you might share with one another. Surprisingly, he learns that you and him share a lot more in common than he'd have expected a sinner to...

•He decides to try to talk to you about music, instead. What types of music do you like? Can you play an instrument? Do you have a favorite song, perhaps? The entire conversation is fascinating. Do you want him to play you a song, sometime? He'll be sure to bring an instrument the next time he visits.

• Once you do, eventually, listen to his music, he's absolutely entrance by the way you react to it. He's never really bothered to take notice of how you react listening to music before, assuming it's just like anyone else. He should've known that wasn't the case. Instead of a smile, or an attentive gaze, you're completely zoned out. Your expression is dull, which he'd normally be offended by, but he's quick to put it all together, now. That distant look isn't necessarily boredom or a disliking of the music... It's a dreamy look. You're daydreaming to his music. It only becomes more obvious once he changes the tones and your expression changes a bit, as if your daydream is changing alongside it. He's seen people dance, he's seen people sing, he's seen many types of reactions to music. However, to sit there and daydream is one he hasn't seen... At least, not so obviously and intensely.

• He doesn't want to embarrass you, so once he finishes playing his song, he won't mention it to you. He'll simply ask if you liked the song or not, then ask why. He'll slightly giggle, though, if you call it something along the lines of "inspiring" or "thought-provoking". A tiny little hint that he's slowly figuring out what is happening.

• Alongside your reactions to music, he does notice other things. Such as how sometimes, when he walks by your room in the hotel, he can hear the sounds of constant footsteps from behind the closed door. Sometimes he even hears tiny whispers, too, which sounds like your voice. Again, he doesn't say a word. If you're so secretive about such things, he won't pry... Which he, himself, is finding a tiny bit odd. He usually doesn't hold a sinner's privacy to such high regard, under the idea that he's King and needs to know what is happening... That, and his own anxieties making him feel the need to know as much as possible... But, for you, he's becoming a bit more aware of how odd that behavior can be when brought to a certain degree.

• So, he waits for you to tell him about it, yourself. And once you do, mentioning your little prancing, pacing, and your slight habit to act out your daydreams, he's ecstatic! For one, he's earned your trust enough for you to tell him such a thing. The other reason is that he has an idea! Why don't you try dressing up as the characters? It'd be an interesting way to engage in it. He's a musical man, he's probably heard of musicals, if not been in one! He could try getting you an outfit. If you don't want to, though, he's fine with it. It might be strange, after all...

• It takes a while, but soon, you both become close friends. Close enough that he's probably talked to you about feeling a bit lost and depressed, feeling very anxious for Charlie's well-being... In which case, he's probably a bit shocked to hear you relay the fact that, similarly, you are lost. Be it you feel depressed and or anxious, as well, or perhaps it's because you can't stop daydreaming. Either way, you let him know you feel similar, and he's shocked. He's always kind of assumed you daydreaming would help you escape from those types of feelings, not contribute to or possibly cause them.

• He listens more to your concerns and worries... and he relates more than he'd like to admit, in certain situations. Dissociation? You both kind of do it, in your own ways. Your daydreaming, you mentioned, might be that. You've never gotten checked, though, because therapists in Hell aren't the best. He knows all too well that he dissociates, from time to time, because Lilith pointed it out to him shortly before she left to do... whatever she's doing. You both forget to take care of yourselves, in your own ways. You daydreaming for so long, causing time to fly, and eventually forgetting whatever you forget... And him working on his rubber ducks to cope, focusing too much, and forgetting to do whatever it is he needed to do.

• He does get worried for you, and you probably get worried for him, as well. However, while he's not so sure about you, he's taking his worries for you and his daughter to try to better himself... Though, with you and him sharing things in common, he sees you as being a big reason to specifically better his mental health while Charlie is his reason to try to be a better father. How can he provide any sort of help to you when he's suffering, himself? Any advice would either, in his opinion, be bad, or be good but seem bad from the hypocrisy of him not following his own advice. So, he's got to help himself, yeah? He can do it all on his own, too! Watch him! He's not going to burden anybody else!

• Yeah, no. He's failed. Now, he feels worse. Luckily, though, you're there for him to go to! He would go to Charlie... But, he doesn't want to burden her with it. Quite frankly, he doesn't want to talk to you, either, but you can at least relate to him a bit. That, and he knows that keeping it all in is a part of what's made him feel horrible. So, again, you have your talks about life together... You mention your problems and he mentions his. You give him advice. Pretty good advice, actually. He gives you small tips on a few things to make life easier. Then, as always, the conversation shifts to happier topics. What made you happy, recently? Did you have any nice food today? Stuff like that.

• Though, one day, you seem to be thinking about something. You look from him, to nothing, then back to him almost on a loop. He simply assumes it's one of your daydreams, and instead speaks about whatever comes to his mind, being patient with you. From how his relationship with his daughter and her girlfriend is going along, how his rubber duck creation is going, to what he thinks of a few of the other guests at the hotel. However, he is a bit shocked when you begin speaking, very suddenly.

• You start talking about a seemingly random daydream you had, recently. Beautiful music, nice outfits, fun dances... You describe a scene of you dancing with someone on a glorious night. However, you don't say who it is you're dancing with. You just describe a beautiful scenario, which is about you dancing with someone. When he asks who it is, after you finish talking, you kind of just stare at him awkwardly.

• It takes him a few moments, then once it hits him, he begins to laugh hysterically in disbelief. No. You couldn't possibly be implying it was him! Once you outright say it, and add that you love him as more than a friend, though, he's both ecstatic and terrified. He feels the same way, yes, but he knows he has his own set of problems he'd be adding into your life if he got with you... And then you start talking about how you are worried you'd make him feel bad, as you know that your daydreams can hype up future events, like dates and such, to an unachievable expectation... then everything is disappointing, despite it being perfectly fine.

• He, however, wants to change that... or, at least your outlook on it. He will happily hold out his hand and admit that he feels the same. He feels the same love for you, the same worries for the future, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth trying. Just because something wasn't to your expectations, doesn't make it bad, yeah? Once you realize that you still had fun, you'll learn to still enjoy your life, even if it'll never live up to your daydreams.

• That's how you two began dating. You're both used to helping each other through rough times, and comforting each other, so there wasn't really a big adjustment period of having to learn to do so. Instead, the first few months were spent on sweet dates, as well as helping you with your daydreams causing expectations that can't be met. As each date goes by, he asks if you had fun, even if it wasn't all you dreamed up to be. As you realize how often you say "yes", you begin to feel much more confident that everything will be fine and doesn't need to be perfect.

• He's gotten into a little habit of planning a secret date or surprise every once in a while. That way, you don't have the chance to build up such high expectations of what it'd be like. You'll come home to see that he's made the most delicious looking dinner buffet, and spread it out over his dining table. Or, you'll come home, and he'll say that he wants to take you out to go dancing somewhere. Small little surprises.

• He's going to make a rubber duckling based on you. Or two. Or three... Or twelve dozen. He can think of so many designs based on your lovely stories. He knows that he shouldn't feed into the habit, and he's actively doing his best not to, but he wants to show you that you can create beautiful artwork with your daydreams. Music, paintings, books, plays... If you find that you can't daydream less, you can try to at least transform them into a real, tangible thing that others can see or hear. His duckies are just an example of that.

• He sometimes wishes he could create something that catches your attention more than your daydreams, but he can also understand that you may not have complete control of it. So, instead, he'll try to gently get your attention if he needs you, just wants your attention, or wants to remind you of something you need to do. Be it a little tap on your shoulder, him calling your name, or walking into your field of view and doing something silly.

• He's sure to check in on you daily, asking if you've been making sure to take care of yourself. Did you eat today? Did you take a shower? Did you drink a glass of water? You gotta stay hydrated! In return, whenever you can, you do the same for him. You both take care of each other as best you can.

• If you're one of those daydreamers who has trouble falling asleep because your brain won't turn off, he'll do whatever he can to at least help you relax. He'll cuddle you, try humming a little soft tune, or get you something to drink to help you relax a little.

• Sometimes, although he'd never admit it, he's a little jealous of your daydreaming. Yes, he's aware the grass is always greener on the other side, and that's why he wouldn't say it. He knows you'll chew him out and reminding him of the issues it's caused you. He can see them, so you don't really have to remind him. He's just... missed the feeling of having such an imaginative mind. Sure, he still has had one. Ever since he was dropped into Hell, it's been a bit harder to do so... then, once Lilith left, it has gotten worse. He's been a bit too depressed to dream...

• Though, he knows that you can dream enough for the both of you, and that you'll happily share ones you think will cheer him up. He loves you for how much you've reminded him of the importance of dreaming... Just, in moderation. He'll be there to ground you, whenever you need it.

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel lucifer #lucifer #lucifer morningstar #lucifer x reader #lucifer hazbin hotel #lucifer morningstar x reader #lucifer morningstar hazbin hotel #lucifer headcanons #maladaptive daydreaming

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bunniekittiee · 6 months

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Bi-Han x Fem. Reader (as well as general headcanons)

Alright alright the Bi-Han headcanons was a success so ykw I’ll bless you all again. Also this is my depiction of Bi-Han so if you think I can tweak it and make it better then by all means let me know!

CW: mentions of eating problems, anxiety, illness, chronic illness, a little nsfw, nothing too crazy

Hair combing is an intimate ordeal.

He does not let anyone else touch his hair besides himself and you. He trusts you completely to comb his hair and even put it up for him.

He thinks you do it better than him, but he can manage it himself if needed.

He sighs with relief when his hair is let down, feeling his s/o’s fingers gently massage his aching scalp. It feels so good to him, he loves it.

Bi-Han does like the quietness. Especially after a long day of Grandmaster duties and irritation.

So if it is quiet during this time, he can close his eyes and almost fall asleep as you caress his hair and take care of him.

Sometimes he has fallen asleep when you are doing this.

If you were to ask Bi-Han to bathe together, he would silently go insane for a second and then agree.

Despite seeing you naked more than often, it still gives him butterflies in different scenarios that isn’t inherently sexual. Such as bathing.

He thinks you are beautiful, do not ever be negative about yourself around Bi-Han because he will immediately worry.

If you are worried about gaining weight, he is already overthinking that you will stop eating.

So instead, Bi-Han gently encourages you to train with the other Lin Kuei if you feel that you want to lose weight or prevent yourself from gaining weight.

No, he does not think you are fat at all, do not twist his words.

But Bi-Han is the type of man to give you solutions to help you but not in a rude way.

He just tries to encourage and give you options.

He will also suggest yoga with Kuai Liang. Kuai Liang usually meditates, but he will divulge himself in yoga for you if you are interested.

He does not like to see you sad or upset about your self image. It makes him feel helpless.

Bi-Han can handle a physical threat because he can eliminate it, but when it is a mental threat such as self image issues, depression, etc., Bi-Han finds himself unable to see straight.

Out of his brothers, I see Bi-Han struggling with some anxiety.

Like I said in my previous headcanons, Bi-Han worries for his s/o because she is his weakness. If anyone were to take her away from him, he would practically engulf everything in a blizzard.

I see Bi-Han having anxiety about his brothers as well, whether they are safe or going to be okay.

As much as Bi-Han shuns Smoke, he still worries for him. Smoke is the ‘baby’ of them all, and if he were to see him in any form of pain, he is already wanting to murder the person who inflicted it upon him.

That being said, if you have any sort of health issues that will literally send Bi-Han over the edge.

He is constantly having the medics check you over and he will be riddled with so much anxiety he will stop eating and sleeping well.

God forbid you have a chronic illness or anything at all, at that point Bi-Han will just have an aneurysm.

As tough as his exterior is, Bi-Han can be sensitive.

Please do not call him names, he doesn’t even do that to you and it will hurt his feelings.

He will distance himself and feel melancholy until you apologize. He doesn’t like it when you are rude or mean to him.

As I mentioned in my other previous headcanons, he does get snappy himself so he knows that he is a bit of a hypocrite.

If you were to communicate your feelings to him, whether it is your frustrations, sadness, or anger, he will understand and try his best to relax you and make you feel better.

You do the same for him, so it’s time that he repays that favor.

Bi-Han can be extremely busy with his duties and he knows you hate being cooped up for so long.

So he will allow Smoke and Kuai Liang to take you out, whether that’s for a walk or to Madame Bo’s, Bi-Han just wants to make sure you are happy.

I don’t know where people got the “jealous of my brothers being around my s/o” belief from, but Bi-Han trusts his brothers completely.

He has to, they go into battle and on quests together, they have to deeply trust each other and have a strong bond with one another.

So he lets his brothers take you out, he does not get jealous of that. They would never do anything to you, and Bi-Han knows it is completely out of character for them to do anything in the first place.

So yes, he lets you go out with his brothers and enjoy your time together when he is busy.

Again, he knows you get cooped up and he wants you to have some freedom.

His brothers love that you have somewhat changed Bi-Han but in a good way.

He is somewhat nicer to Smoke and refrains from telling him he is not part of their family. Last time he did, you gave him the absolute worst glare that even Kuai Liang felt his stomach turn.

Bi-Han is gentle as possible with you. His hands have killed and hurt many, he would hate to inflict the same pain on you.

You are like a flower to him, a delicate and precious lively being.

You have softened Bi-Han in many ways, and many appreciate what you have done.

#mk bi han #bi han #bi han x reader #bi han x you #mortal kombat x reader #mortal kombat #mk1 2023 #mk1 #mk sub zero #mk smoke #mk scorpion #bi han headcanon #bi han sub zero #bi han mk #bi han x y/n

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iovetecchou · 5 months

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That Funny Feeling ⧸ Dazai Osamu

༞ Contains...! !TW! this fic contains heavy topics such as: suicide, depression, anxiety, and self-deprecating thoughts. hurt/comfort type beat, hugging, gentle touches, hand holding, swearing, suggestive implications but NOTHING actually happened! kunikida is just silly, dazai really is a sweetheart in this ):

༞ GN Reader.

༞ 2,494 words.

a/n: if you have struggled with your own mental health past or present, just know that you are not alone. i love you and am so proud of you for still being here and pushing through each day, no matter how difficult that can be. never be afraid to rely on someone close to you when things become too much to bear, you are worthy of living and deserve to be loved.

Some people just aren't cut out for life. We are all dealt a hand, some cards interchangeable. But for the most part, they mold us; and make us who we are. They map out the rest of our lives. So what are you supposed to do when all the cards you've been handed don't play in your favor?

Even the interchangeable cards; you discard them only to pick up more rotten ones. Your judgment is poor, and your decision-making only gets you stuck between a rock and a hard place.

You envy the people who were gifted better cards. People who were not condemned from the start. Those are the people who make something out of their lives, the ones who are deserving of taking up space.

You know this sounds self-deprecating, and yeah, it is. But to you, it's also logic. You think that's why you dislike Dazai Osamu.

When he talks so freely about death, his desire for a perfect suicide. It makes your stomach turn, not for obvious reasons, but for selfish ones. He plays off his pain as a joke so no one thinks twice about it when he asks a pretty stranger to "commit a double suicide" with him.

You try so hard to conceal your suicidal thoughts, hiding your depression behind a pretty mask. Showing up to work each day with a smile on your face and a "can do!" attitude.

You and Dazai really are the same in that aspect, masking your pain so it's less noticeable to others around you.

Your abdomen twists into knots when he talks so freely about suicide because it causes your mind to wander and your mask to slip. Dazai always seems to pick up on that slight change in you when it happens, too. His chestnut eyes bore holes into your profile from where he sits beside you. You can feel his eyes on you as you try to smile brighter, putting on a chipper face as Kenji updates you on how the cows on his farm are doing.

You hate it. It feels like he's reading your mind; retaining all your deepest darkest secrets. Does your face really give you away so easily? No... It can't be that. You've been working at the Detective Agency for a long while now, and since then, no one else has ever assumed something was wrong with you.

If they only knew how pitiful your life really was. As much as you love all your colleagues at the Agency, you hate working. Waking up is exhausting, and you dread the repetitive daily routines you're forced to accomplish. On your off days, you sit at home alone- by choice. Interacting with others is draining, and when you're urged to participate in social activities, the anticipation and anxiety eat away at you until the day finally comes.

Much like today, the day you've been letting eat away at you since the mention of a work party was brought to your attention. You practiced different smiles and laughs in the mirror, shaking your head and trying again when your "act" seemed too unnatural. You probably changed your outfit ten times before ultimately deciding on the same old thing you usually wore.

Your hands were coated in perspiration as you balled your fingers, making a fist. You took in a shaky breath as you brought yourself to finally knock on Chief Fukuzawa's door. He welcomed you with a tight-lipped smile and a nod of his head, stepping aside to let you through. Immediately, you felt his eyes on you. Dazai watched your little performance as you greeted everyone, and when it was finally his turn to watch your act up close and personal- you froze.

His eyes were too intimidating. You felt exposed in front of him. It irked you that he had such an effect on you. Why was it so easy to pretend with everyone else but him?

"Aww, where's my greeting?" Dazai smirked devilishly at you, raising his eyebrows slightly as he leaned in close. All-encompassing, invading your personal space.

You remained quiet. You were on the outside looking in, screaming to yourself to say something- anything. Your gaze shifted to the floor as your hands came up to bunch up the hem of your shirt, rolling it between your fingers; an attempt to self-soothe.

"I..."

"Oi! Stop teasing them, Dazai," Yosano shouted from the kitchen, plum-colored eyes still fixated on the fizzy concoction she began making for herself.

The sound of Yosano's strong voice ripped you from your stupor. Your head shot up, only to notice Dazai was still gazing at you- studying you.

"I would do no such thing! I'm hurt that you think so low of me, Yosano!" Dazai's intense gaze finally eased up on you as he whipped his head around to face Yosano. The tall brunette man clutched a hand over his heart in feigned affliction.

You took that as your opening to slip away, excusing yourself to the restroom. You hardly noticed the way Dazai's attention was drawn back to you at the sound of your hurried footsteps. "Hey- wait up!"

You quickly pulled the bathroom door shut behind you. You could hardly look at yourself in the mirror, too ashamed of yourself for freezing up back there. The cool tile floor welcomed you as you sunk, curling into yourself. You hugged your knees as they drew closely into your chest. You could feel your rapid heartbeat in your throat, anxiety rising by the second.

"You know, I wouldn't be sitting on the floor if I were you. Let's get you up." Nothing registered until you felt firm hands grasp your biceps. A strong force drawing you up to rely upon your shaky legs.

"Why- what are you..?" Your sentence fell off. You weren't entirely sure what you were trying to ask. Your mind was too convoluted with disappointment; shame for yourself.

"The door was unlocked so I figured I'd let myself in! You weren't looking too hot out there, and I wanted to check up on you." Dazai's warm hands still cradled your biceps, untrusting the support your trembling legs half-heartedly gave you in your current state.

"I'm fine," You chuckled out of nervousness before continuing, "I'll be out in a minute, so you can just go." You could tell by how Dazai looked at you that he didn't buy your lie, not even for a second.

He let out a deep sigh, large palms moving up to your shoulders before he blurted out, "Stop, just- just stop. You're not fooling me, so quit it with the peachy-keen act. Why do you insist on hiding behind a facade?"

"Why do you?!" You shouted back. You brought your hands up to swat his hands off your shoulders. The shift between distress and rage made your legs feel more grounded.

Dazai gaped at you for a moment. He genuinely looked taken aback before his face shifted into a tepid expression. He let his arms settle against his sides, his demeanor appearing more taut than usual.

"This isn't about me. Stop deflecting." His voice was eerily calm, making you feel unsettled. Seeing a more serious side to Dazai was far and few between for you.

"But it is! I hate you... I hate you so much. You- you..." Your vision began to blur as tears spilled past your lashline and down your sullen cheeks. How embarrassing, you thought. Crying in front of the man that made your stomach turn.

Dazai brought his hand up to your cheek, brushing away the onslaught of tears with the pad of his thumb. "I believe that hatred is displaced. You just don't want to acknowledge that."

Your eyebrows scrunched up in confusion as you drew your hand to grasp his wrist. You tugged with all your might to pull him from your cheek, but no give. Dazai stubbornly kept his large palm on your face. The warmth from his hand seared your skin. It was neither comforting nor unpleasant. Just... unfamiliar.

"You're wrong, I hate you-"

"No, you hate that you see yourself in me."

Your hand fell from his wrist. He was right, and deep down, you knew that. But you refused to admit it. It was shameful. You liked to hate Dazai because it took attention away from the real problem at hand, yourself.

Dazai let out a sigh as he continued to wipe away your tears. "Tell me to stop if you hate it, but I'm going to hug you now." Before you could process, Dazai embraced you. His hand that was caressing your face only moments ago now cradled your neck. His other arm wrapped around your frame, enveloping you.

"I understand your pain well... I can see myself in you too. But I don't despise you, you know. I actually... worry for you. You try so hard to pretend that everything is fine. It must be exhausting."

It felt like your heart was being squeezed, as if your ribcage was collapsing in on itself. His words shot right through you, as did the guilt. You had been so unfair toward Dazai up until now. Using your displaced disdain for him as a distraction because you were too much of a coward to hold yourself accountable.

It ached so much to come to terms with. Your arms felt heavy as you pulled them up to wrap around Dazai's lanky frame. You quietly sobbed into his chest, grasping your hands into the back of his shirt desperately; as a small child would cling to their mother.

Dazai hummed softly into your hair, welcoming the silence with open arms; as he did you. You were sure all your colleagues were wondering why Dazai and yourself had been in the restroom for so long, but you hardly cared at this very moment.

For the first time, in a long time, you felt seen. Like you didn't need to hide when Dazai was in your presence... because even if you did- he would know. Being vulnerable felt similar to what you imagined walking a tightrope hung across two tall skyscrapers entailed. So, to say you were apprehensive about this was an understatement.

However, in the same breath, it felt freeing. It took a little bit of weight off your shoulders to share your burdens with another person. But never in a million years did you think the person who brought you solace would end up being Dazai Osamu.

"I'm sorry, Dazai- I'm so fucking sorry. I-"

"It's okay. Believe me, I treated people a lot worse than this from my own displaced hatred," Dazai interrupted. Caressing your hair softly, hyperaware of the wet feeling seeping through his shirt and smearing over his skin from your tears before he continued,

"Just... just promise me you'll talk to me if it ever becomes too unbearable to handle on your own. I know how it sounds coming from me, I'm a hypocrite- huh? But trust me when I tell you… you are deserving of this thing we call living. Even if you can't see it yourself, I can... and I will remind you of that fact until I'm blue in the face if I have to."

You pulled back from Dazai's chest as you sniffled, eyes scanning his stoic face. He smiled at you softly, rubbing up and down the sides of your arms in a comforting way. "There you are. I was beginning to think you cried your face off!" You chuckled at his dumb quip, letting your fingers untangle from the cloth adorning Dazai's back.

"Well, this is embarrassing... and I'm sure at this point all the others think were up to no good in here." It was Dazai's turn to laugh as his hands drifted lower, grasping yours softly. Your fingers intertwined as a lopsided grin painted your face.

"So let 'em! Who cares? The only thing that matters is that your heart is beating and you're here. Still standing in front of me." Your smile dropped slightly, the urge to cry bubbling back up, making your throat tighten.

"Dazai," You tightly squeezed his hands within your grasp. Scared that if you loosened your grip for even a second, this moment would be gone before you could say everything you needed to. "I'm really glad you're still here, too."

Dazai closed his eyes for a moment, his smile wavering. "There's so much pain in the world... sometimes it's hard not to notice it. I couldn't shut it out every time I felt your distress. That's why I kept a close eye on you all this time. I'm not just some creep with a staring problem,"

You both laughed at that sentiment before he continued, "I know with each day those painful thoughts are waiting for you. But it's not only that, there's also possibilities. Possibilities you can only discover as long as you're alive."

Your hands still clutched his with great force. His words caused you to cry once more as Dazai's eyes softened. He quietly cooed at you, whispering "don't cry," so gently, it was almost inaudible.

"Dazai... I hope you know the same can be said for you, and your life," You paused, trying to swallow that lump in your throat before you continued. "I... want to help you- help you live. I know it doesn't mean much coming from me, but as long as you're still here I will do whatever I can to help you. I swear it."

Your tear-filled eyes bored into his chestnut ones. Desperately hoping your words got through to him. Dazai inhaled a shaky breath, eyebrows raising slightly. His lips curved into a tight-lipped smile before he let out a small chuckle. "You're really something else, you know that? Not even ten minutes ago you were shouting about how much you hate me. Now we're best buds... how cute!"

You knew he was deflecting, you guessed being vulnerable was just as daunting to him as it was for you. Before you could say anything more, the door flung open. Both Dazai and yourself whipped your heads in the direction of Kunikida shouting.

"Dazai! Just what do you think you're doing- wait a damn minute! What did you do to Y/N to make them cry?! Get away from them this instant you damn pervert!"

Kunikida gripped Dazai by the collar, dragging him out of the restroom. When your hands untangled from his, you felt uneasy. There was so much more you wanted to say, but it would just have to wait... for now.

You couldn't help but chuckle to yourself at the sound of Dazai shouting for you to help prove his innocence from presumably the living room. For the first time since you stepped into the bathroom, you looked at yourself. Taking in your disheveled state.

Ah, there it is again. That funny feeling.

don't accuse me of making this a self-insert, i will cry!

#dazai osamu x reader #dazai osamu x you #dazai x reader #dazai x you #osamu dazai x reader #osamu dazai x you #dazai angst #dazai osamu angst #dazai osamu bsd #bsd dazai #bsd dazai osamu #bsd x reader #bsd x you #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs x reader #bungou stray dogs x you

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bartxnhood · 8 months

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lost stars | c.b

colby brock x reader

summary: colby is always there for you. even at your worst.

warnings: mentions of depression, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, etc.

a/n: i’ve been kinda in a slump lately so this is kinda a self insert, but also if any of my followers or you come across this i genuinely hope you know that it will get better. if you need someone to talk to me, please reach out to me. i’ll always be here for you. ❤️

requests open

not proofread

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you were overcome with a familiar sensation. the sensation of having everyone around you but still feeling alone in the world occurred often. the need to curl up under your covers and wither away, the pain in your chest, the random tears, the feeling that you're going crazy. everything was wrong, but you were unable to express your feelings.

you surrounded yourself with toxic people over the years, hungry for any type of attention, even if it was unpleasant. you desired to feel something. even if that meant it hurt you more, it was better than nothing. you weren't numb.

you tried to block out your thoughts with music, but the songs only served to highlight how unhappy you were. your life was uninteresting, and you feared you'd never feel genuine happiness again. until you met colby, you saw everything in black and white.

he was a colorful person who saw the good in the world while you only saw the terrible. it has been said that opposites attract. despite this, you two had a lot in common after the meeting.

first and foremost, both of you had excellent musical tastes. if one of you discovered a new song or band, you'd tell each other about it. alternatively, if colby was droning on about the paranormal and his love for hunting the unknown, you'd be all ears, staring at him with the brightest smile, seeing how his eyes lit up. colby often enjoyed movie marathons with you; you'd both choose a few films you hadn't seen before and watch them together, along with the occasional old favorite you both adored.

“oh cmon, there was totally enough room for jack!” you exclaimed with the remote in hand. you just finished watching titanic for probably the hundredth time with him and you were back to arguing about the ending. “i’m not saying there wasn’t, jus sayin it would’ve been hard to balance!” he laughed, standing up from your sofa with the popcorn bowl in hand. “okay yeah maybe, but that’s why she had the life jacket!” you heard him snicker from the kitchen, “y/n, the movie is twenty years old, i don’t think it’ll change anytime soon. sorry darling” he walked back into the living room falling by your side.

though, it wasn’t always glamorous. you knew colby was famous, you know girls practically threw themselves at him and it did make you uneasy.

not that you thought you weren’t good enough for him, but the fear that once you had another episode, he would leave you.

colby understood about your mental health; he was always there for you and would do whatever to help you the best he could. you never wanted him to see you at your lowest; it was a difficult period for you, and you didn't want colby to bear that burden.

you were going through that again. everything went back to black and white, and the color faded day by day. you began to lose that sparkle in your eyes, you stopped smiling at his texts, you slept most of the day, you didn't leave your bed, and you even forgot to eat some days. your body was once again being overwhelmed by that sensation.

colby began to notice your absence, your one-word texts back, or even not messaging back for hours. it was like a complete shift. he was aware of what was going on and did not hold it against you. you needed time to deal with everything, but he didn't want you alone. he didn't have much experience with what you were feeling, but he would spend every single day with you just to understand; he wants to help you. he doesn't want you to suffer any longer, and even if you didn't talk to him or tell him how you felt, he wanted you to know he was there for you no matter what.

you lay on your bed, a mountain of sheets covering your body. all of your lights were turned out, and the only light came from your window. you couldn't recall when you last showered, maybe four days ago if you had to guess.

when you tried to close your eyes, you felt that familiar aching in your chest again. you began to cry as memories flooded your head. it was annoying not to be able to sleep without your mind taking control. reminding yourself of all you could have done better or things that have contributed to your depression. you felt guilty for everything, even if it had nothing to do with you.

you rolled over, facing your window and door. It was almost midnight. you just wanted to sleep, but following your previous naps, you doubted you'd get any. you tried to close your eyes and rest, but were interrupted by a knock at the door. "y/n?" you heard your boyfriend's voice and opened the door, only to be met with darkness. you opened your eyes and looked at him. "colby?"

he entered, closing the door behind him. "you vanished, and I just wanted to check on you." he left his spare key on your desk. "im okay," he knew you weren't, so he moved over to your side and perched on the edge of the bed. "you sure?" he asks, reaching for your hand. "i know you're having a hard time; whether you let me in or not is up to you." "but I hate seeing you suffer like this, y/n," he implored, his thumb sliding over your knuckles. meanwhile, you chewed on the inside of your cheek as you stared at the wall, fighting back the surge of emotions. "I just," you began, exhaling the breath you felt you'd been holding.

“I'm not sure, colbs. "I just don't know," you hesitated, "I always end up like this again." I can't express how I feel. "I've spent so much time suffering that it's normal," you explained, a few tears falling from your eyes. I don't want to put you down because you deserve so much more."

colby rose, had you scoot over, and took your place on the bed. he drew you closer, allowing you to cry with your head on his chest. "please don't say that." knowing how depressed you were shattered his heart. "i want to be there for you no matter how many times you go through this. “its a part of you that i still adore. you closed your eyes, fighting back tears as he smiled sadly.

"youll get through this, and I'll be right here until you do. you don't have to be alone anymore."

#colby brock imagine #colby brock #colby brock fic #colby brock x reader #colby brock angst #colby brock x you #colby brock fluff #colby brock x y/n #colby brock fanfic #sam golbach #sam and colby

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invpulse · 6 months

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I haven't seen a lot of discussion about RSD when it comes to ADHD discussions, so I thought I would do the honors since it's been affecting me for many years and I'd like people to know more about it!

I have had a diagnosis for ADHD but was never told- instead learning I had autism through therapy but still having some behaviors that I could never explain that just Happened.

I learned I had ADHD over the summer, and with that, severe rejection sensitive dysphoria.

before reading, please keep in mind that this is mostly talking from personal experience and some skimmed research! not experiencing RSD doesn't mean you do/don't have ADHD, and it may not appear like how it appeared for me. I don't only have autism + adhd either, so those may also contribute to any differences! ^^

RSD is the immense emotional pain after being criticized, rejected, or even teased (ignore my misspell in the panel). This rejection can be real or perceived, and we react like this because it hurts.

The pain can manifest as aggression, bringing on symptoms of depression (thoughts of s/h, isolation, demotivation, etc) and anxiety/panic attacks.

it can cause physical aliments like the above. For me, it causes my heartrate to skyrocket, heart palpitations, the feeling of being in a crisis, and extreme shaking to occur along with stomach pain.

(In fact, right now I'm going through it because making a post talking about this, despite having & dealing with it, makes me scared of other's opinions on it.)

RSD can also take the form of avoiding situations, people, or conversations where rejection or criticism is very possible.

Like other types of dysphoria, it is out of our control and hard to manage. It can last from days to weeks to months, all depending on both the trigger* and the individual.

I had a RSD episode that was on-and-off for a little over a year or two; getting more tame and bearable as it slowly drifted and stopped haunting my mind with the incident.

Compared to the other times my RSD was set off, this moment was a rather big moment in my life and ended up permanently changing me moving forward - which can be the reason why it lasted so long.

Despite how unbearable it can get, there are some ways to cope with it & lessen the effect it has.

Communicate - If you need time to process something that's told to you, you should say so (as difficult as it is). Tell the person(s) involved about your RSD, how you need time to digest information like this and take some time to relax. Trying to respond to the information while going through the head of the dysphoria will be very rough and might not be what you truly want to say.

Distract - This is really useful for me personally! Do something that grabs your attention or occupies your mind. One of RSD's main symptoms is rumination, thinking of something over and over again. I usually listen to music, draw, or play a game that won't frustrate me - like minecraft! (i'd say rain world but some of you would call me a maniac /lhj)

Perspective - This may require some communication, but it can really help and connect with others. See what the involved people thought / perceived, explain, talk. This doesn't always have the chance to end in rainbows and rekindling but at least you understand. Sometimes simply hearing the person explain their own side is enough to ease my RSD, being able to have someone explain themselves to me so i can understand them better.

I also wanna point out the "don't take it personally" thing that people try to use to deal with it isn't something i agree with since we're going to take it personally at first regardless. Later on, not really, but you're trying to cope with the symptoms... telling someone (or yourself) that they're too sensitive & over-reacting is the worse thing you could do.

With time, you can even begin to build up your 'armor' and be able to sustain yourself in situations you might get hurt in. Of course, some things may be able to sneak past and hurt you more than you expect, but at the end of the day, you're trying your best to go about it the best you can while taking so many blows. you're doing great.

OK i dont have a lot more to add so if anyone else would like to talk about their experiences, please feel free! Character showcased here was my beloved fursona Shiki! i'm just a little neurodivergent + black artist from new york :]

hope you enjoyed it! sorry for the long post </3

#long post #rsd #adhd rsd #rejection sensitive dysphoria #neurodiversity #digital art #digital illustration #sfw furry #furry art #digital drawing #furry character #furry oc #furry artist #procreate #furry

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megumishotgf · 6 months

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comforting megumi after a nightmare

summary: as the title says! aged up gumi. my precious boy i just want him to be happy he deserves this type of comfort!!

warnings: manga spoilers (!!), possible mentions of depression and suicide (very small), canon divergence (i’m resurrecting people idgaf)

masterlist

megumi fushiguro has had a very difficult life.

his mother passed away when he was too young to even comprehend it happening, and his deadbeat father had abandoned him and sold him off to an unbearable clan, preferring to indulge in his gambling habits than family matters. despite being luckily (?) 'rescued' by gojo and growing up relatively normal, megumi has a whole lot of self-esteem issues that were embedded into his psyche at a shockingly young age.

megumi’s cold, unwelcoming and closed off from the world. that’s what he thinks. he was forced to mature and act older than he was to survive and protect himself and tsumiki, leading to the formation of many interpersonal barriers, which have restricted his relationships throughout his entire life.

jujutsu tech seemed like a fresh start. he met yuuji, nobara, you. you. you were different from everyone. megumi finally had people to care about, other than himself and his sister (and gojo too, although he will never admit it). but how many people has he witnessed die unspeakable deaths, some at his very own hands? how many people did he hurt when sukuna had taken over his body? how the hell did he even survive that? maybe he wasn’t even meant to.

nevertheless, in the cloudy, messy fragments of his broken mind, you were the sun. how could megumi ever think of leaving you? the one thing he is certain of is that you love him more than anything. you’ve never given him any reason to doubt that. while he doubts whether or not he is deserving of you, he knows you would have been broken if something happened to him. and so he keeps going, just for you.

it’s the middle of the night when megumi finally awakens from another awful nightmare. he had only been asleep for an hour maximum before those terrorising memories had plagued his mind again, replaying as constant reminders of who he had hurt and lost.

you’re still besides him, snuggled into his side, chest rising slowly and calmly. how can something so precious be able to sleep so peacefully next to someone like him?

megumi is too consumed in his thoughts to notice you stirring besides him, blinking away the sleepiness in your eyes. you take a few seconds to register that he’s wide awake and visibly panicked. you can feel the pounding of his heartbeat underneath the hand placed on his chest and he feels awfully shaky.

you sit up instantly, sensing that something’s wrong. “gumi? are you okay?”

megumi swallows thickly before answering, afraid that his voice might falter. refusing to lock eyes with you, he stares (sulks) at the ceiling above you. “mmh. sorry, baby. didn’t mean to wake you.”

you can see through his facade, though. you notice the way he’s trembling and how he's covering his face, as if you studying his features for too long will give away his misery. “hey. another bad dream?”

megumi hesitates for a moment, ultimately deciding this isn’t something he will be able to keep from you. you can see right through him. “yeah. again.”

you’ve been in this situation more times than you can count. you insist that these bad dreams and the thoughts that come along with them will eventually dissipate (after all, time is the best healer), but it's becoming increasingly difficult for the both of you. is your comfort enough? are you even helping megumi at all? what if this deteriorates into something worse? your mind is racing with your personal anxieties, and your own memories of the awful war, but megumi takes priority. you usher him to rest on your chest, while one of your hands begins to play with his hair. yeah, he loves that more than anything, that always helps.

“tell me what happened, hm?” you say softly. you don’t ever want to push him, but you also don’t want him to keep the dream himself, hoping that by confiding in you, you can take some of the heavy burden for yourself.

megumi hesitates again, but as he breathes in your familiar scent and focuses on the slow rhythm of your heartbeat, he feels the weight on his shoulders being lifted. “i… killed you. and yuuji. and ‘miki,” he recalls. it’s the same unbearable scene that’s played over and over in his unconscious mind like broken film, even if it’s been years since the initial trauma.

“sukuna,” you correct him, arms tightening around him. “you did nothing wrong, gumi. i’m here holding you, right? and yuuji and tsumiki are perfectly fine, too. sukuna won’t be able to hurt any of us ever again.”

“but you were hurt. one of you almost did die - at my own fucking hands.”

you can sense his anger now. megumi’s angry at himself. he thinks he’s so damn weak and that’s why people got hurt. you know that’s the way he sees himself and it kills you inside. you hush him before he can spiral any further into his angry thoughts, hands soothingly caressing his skin. gentle strokes of his upper arm - the kind of tender touches that can lull him to sleep and ground him.

“you were so young, megumi. you shouldn’t have had to carry such responsibility at that age. you have immense strength, mentally and physically. but sukuna’s actions are not your burden to carry. you were a victim, not the instigator. you’d give everything to us, the people you care about. and we love you. we know you’d never hurt us, yeah?”

you feel megumi nod against your chest. he’s grinding his teeth, blinking away unwanted tears that eventually fall onto your skin. your hands cup his cheeks, pulling him to look at you.

“humans cry, gumi. it’s okay. you don’t need to feel embarrassed, especially in front of me. come on, you’ve literally seen me sob uncontrollably during frozen.”

megumi chuckles at you and it feels like a breath of fresh air seeing him more light-hearted.

“see? you’re okay. you’re smiling again. you look so pretty,” you coo at your boyfriend. a blush tints his cheeks but he can’t stop the stupid grin that forms on his face.

“yeah, yeah. whatever. i’m okay now,” megumi replies, snuggling into your chest once more. “i don’t know what i’d do without you.”

“you won’t ever have to find out, baby. i’m always gonna be here,” you say, brushing away his hair so you can kiss his forehead. “do you wanna stay up a little more?”

megumi’s reaching for your laptop seconds later and that gives you your answer. he puts on frozen, of course. he cries like a baby when elsa and anna reunite, but it's okay because you're there to kiss his tears away.

yes i'm in my serious megumi brain rot era!! i have so many unfinished one-shots that will be coming soon because he refuses to leave my brain!!

#megumi x reader #megumi my beloved #megumi x you #megumi fushiguro x reader #jjk x reader #megumi headcanons #megumi fluff #megumi comfort #i love him omfg

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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 4 months

Text

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 28

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Main Masterlist Dieter Bravo X OFC

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives.

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Warnings: Smutty stuff.

Chapter Quote: “Oh, you know me…I’m really good at operations management. Just working through things to figure out the most efficient process for peak outcomes.”

As I sat in the lobby waiting for Dieter to change into the clothes I had brought for him and complete the discharge process, I could feel my anxiety flaring. He and I hadn’t spent any length of time alone together since he was filming in Canada, and everything felt different now. We had made it clear to each other that we wanted to be together and make this work, but we knew there was going to be some initial awkwardness to get through. We had briefly discussed it with Dr. Rosenberg, but talking about it and experiencing it were two different things. I could already feel the hum of anticipation vibrating throughout my body, but I also still had a deep seeded fear that he was going to change his mind and realize he didn’t have feelings for me any longer.

Dieter soon emerged from the double security doors that led to the back. He was in a dark gray t-shirt, medium wash jeans that were slung low over his slightly trimmer waist, and sneakers. His shirt was working double time as it stretched across his much broader shoulders and chest. He had spent a lot of his down time exercising and it showed. His hair was still a curly mess, but it looked like he had tried to tame it back some. He had his tote bag stuffed with the small number of personal items slung over his shoulder.

Several staff members followed to give their goodbyes and see him off, Dr. Rosenberg and Sharon included. Sharon gave him a teary smile and hug as Dr. Rosenberg walked over to check in with me. I stood from my seat as she approached. I knew as soon as she grabbed my hand and squeezed it, that she could sense my nervousness.

“You doing ok?” She asked quietly with a concerned look on her face. I nodded, giving her a tight-lipped smile.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just a little anxious.” She squeezed my hand again.

“He is too. Just remember to talk through it and you’ll both be fine.”

I inhaled deeply, letting it out slowly before I nodded.

Once Dieter was finished with his goodbyes, he timidly made his way over to me with his hands clenching and unclenching into fists. He leaned in to give me a tight hug, reluctantly pulling away with a small smile. I reached down and grabbed his hand, threading our fingers together as I met his eyes.

“You ready?”

His eyebrows shot up as his eyes widened, “Yeah…I think so.”

We held each other’s gaze for a moment, the reality of the situation finally setting in. I could see several emotions playing across his face and could feel mine bubbling to the surface, threatening to spill out. I was suddenly aware of all of the eyes on us. Somehow, I managed to push my feelings aside as we waved to everyone and headed toward the exit.

Once we were outside, away from curious onlookers, I couldn’t hold it back anymore. By the time we reached the car, the flood gates opened, and my legs suddenly felt weak. I leaned against the hood of the rental to catch myself. Dieter quickly pulled me into a tight hug, cupping the back of my head and burying his face into the top of my hair. Both of us stood there, sobbing into our embrace and saying nothing as we allowed the waves of emotion overtake us. It was too much all at once. I felt thankful that he was still with us, relieved that he was healthy, happy he was finally coming home, nervous about how things were going to go, and excited about the possibilities. I somewhat composed myself and tried to verbalize my feelings to him, wanting him to know it was happy tears. He started to shake his head against mine as I mumbled into his neck, “It’s ok. I understand. I’m right there with you. It’s…a lot.”

He pulled back, looking at me with his tear-streaked face, reaching to wipe away the dampness from my cheeks with his thumbs, “If it makes you feel better, I got emotional about putting on a pair of jeans for the first time in three months. So, I get the overwhelmed feeling.”

We both chuckled, lightening the mood somewhat. I leaned my forehead against his chest as I grasped onto his biceps, squeezing to make sure he was really there, “It just felt like this day was never gonna come. It almost seems surreal.”

His rough hands slid up my arms as he kissed the top of my head, “Let’s get outta here before they change their mind about letting me leave.”

I raised my head, meeting his gaze. He seemed like he was holding back as he pushed my hair behind my ear, giving a small smile before turning to open the driver side door for me. After I got inside, he shut the door and hurried around to get into the passenger seat. As he was getting settled, I reached into the back and grabbed his tablet and handed it to him.

“Entertainment for the ride, if you need it. I also have your hat and sunglasses.”

He smiled, sliding the tablet between the seats, “I figured I’d just hang my head out the window the whole way and enjoy my freedom.”

I snorted, “I’m not sure you’ll wanna deal with the skin problems that would result from that.”

He laughed. I noticed he started to reach his hand toward mine but diverted to rub at his thigh instead. He suddenly seemed unsure of himself as he looked ahead out the window, a deep crease forming between his brows.

I figured he was most likely feeling overwhelmed and tried not to think too much about it as I started the car and made my way toward the interstate exit.

We drove in silence for a while. Every time I glanced in Dieter's direction, he was attentively watching the sights pass by, seeing them for the first time. I could tell the wheels in his head were spinning. I imagined this was a lot to take in after being in a facility for three months and hoped it wasn’t too much for him.

“You were good with driving back, right? I just assumed…”

He turned to look at me, pausing briefly to process my words. He had clearly been deep in thought, “Definitely. I’m not ready to deal with an onslaught of people at the airport. Or paparazzi. They’re always hanging out there…and I’m not sure if I can handle the questions. I need to talk to Elaine. I’m not sure how to answer…things. I know there are rumors about me being in rehab.”

I gave him a tight smile. I wasn’t sure how much he knew about the rumor mill. I knew he had talked to Ty some, but we hadn’t discussed anything related to his work much since it wasn’t the focus of our sessions.

“Are you worried about work stuff?”

He sighed, “Yes…and no. It’s gonna be a lot to deal with and catch up on. A lot of rearranging…maybe even dropping some projects. I’m not trying to rush back into things full steam either, so whatever happens, happens.”

He started rubbing at the top of his thighs with both hands.

“I don’t think I’ve even told you…Rylee quit after filming ended.”

I looked over at him, confused, but also not surprised. I reached over to grab his hand and gave it a squeeze. The topic seemed to cause him some distress, so I didn’t let go. Instead, I laced our fingers together. He stared at our entwined hands for a moment before he spoke again.

“I was such a dick to her even though she was just trying to keep me outta trouble. I don’t blame her for quitting. I would’ve too.”

He sighed heavily as he turned to peer out the window. Eventually speaking up again without looking in my direction.

“Do you think she’ll forgive me and come back to work?” He asked quietly as he rubbed at his scruffy chin with his free hand.

“I think if you’re honest with her and tell her what was going on…she might.”

He pinched his brows together, “Yeah, maybe…and apologize…or grovel at her feet…”

He briefly laughed to himself. After a few minutes of contemplative silence, he spoke up again, “I’m also thinking about letting Ty go. I’m not sure how much I trust him anymore…I don’t feel like he has my best interest in mind...and I need people on my team that are gonna be supportive…and not…whatever he is.”

“You know…you don’t have to get all of this stuff figured out immediately, right? There’s no rush.”

He finally turned to look at me, his brows drawn together as he pursed his lips in thought.

“I know. That’s just two things that’ve been on my mind. The rest of it…I’m just gonna go with the flow and not stress about it. There are people that will figure that shit out for me. I was just curious about your thoughts.”

“Well, you know I like Rylee. Hopefully she’ll come back…and if you want me to talk with her, I can. As far as Ty goes, I’ve really only had one interaction with him. So, I’m not sure I can have an opinion on that, but I’ll support whatever decision you come to.”

I glanced in his direction with a smirk, “He was a dick though…”

Dieter snorted, nodding in agreement.

Once we reached the halfway mark of our trip, we stopped for food. Dieter really wanted a greasy burger from a fast food place just to make up for the last three months of eating “healthy shit”. He felt like he deserved a cheat day. So, we went to the first drive-thru we saw and ate in the parking lot. From the way he ate, you would think they had starved him to death.

I smiled at him, “Ya know, you’re probably gonna regret that later.”

He took a quick drink, shaking his head, “I don’t even fucking care. Worth it. Get me some tums and I’ll survive.”

He shoved a few more fries in his mouth before he looked at me with a lopsided grin. I finished my meal and wiped my face with a napkin as I turned toward him.

“So…we really haven’t talked about it…but where do you wanna stay?”

He knitted his brows together as a look of confusion and panic crossed his face. He visibly tensed, “I thought I was staying with you?”

My eyes widened as I realized how my question sounded, “You are. I just mean…would you rather for us to stay at your place or mine? Together.”

He immediately relaxed, “Geez, don’t give me a heart attack like that. I’m too nervous about being alone as it is.”

I reached over and rubbed his arm, giving him a tight lipped smile, “Sorry. I should have worded that better.”

He stared at the half-eaten burger in his hand, picking at it as spoke, “Honestly, I’m not sure how I’m gonna feel being back at my place. It makes me anxious to think about it after what happened.”

I nodded, “That’s understandable. We can stay at my place then. We do need to stop by and get some of your things though. I’ve not been back there long enough to do that.”

He chuckled, “Yeah, I guess I do need clothes, huh.”

After he finished eating, we got back on the road. By the time we were turning onto his street, it was late in the evening, and we were both stiff and tired from the drive. We had planned to grab what he would need for a couple of days and return for the rest later.

As we walked toward the front door, I noticed he was wringing his hands together and his face looked tense. After keying in, he walked in behind me, stopping in the middle of the living room to look around.

He had a mix of confusion and anxiety on his face, “Who cleaned?”

I walked over to him, placing my hand on his shoulder for comfort, “I did.”

His eyes turned glassy as he surveyed the area, “Everything?”

I cleared my throat as I felt a lump form, “Yeah…I ugh…fixed the drywall damage in the bedroom too and had the broken furniture hauled off. Technically, all you have for a bed right now is mattresses on the floor.”

I laughed dismissively as he turned to look at me, “You know, you didn’t have to do any of that.”

I met his eyes, fighting back my own tears, “I know. I just didn’t want you coming home to that. It was the last thing you needed to worry about.”

He pulled me into a tight embrace, “Thank you. For everything. I know I’ve said it a lot already, but I don’t deserve you.”

I sighed, leaning back to meet his gaze, “Stop saying that. You do too.”

He nodded, turning away from me as he wiped at his face. He took another moment to look around, shaking his head slightly.

“Alright, let’s…umm…get this done. Being here is making my chest hurt.”

“You sure it's not from that greasy ass burger you ate?”

He squeezed his eyes shut and snorted out a laugh. When he looked back at me, I could tell that helped him relax some, “You might be right.”

We worked in silence as we gathered his things. He was entirely focused on the task at hand, obviously trying not to think of other things. It took no time at all between the two of us and soon we were loading his duffle and backpack into the car to head over to my place.

We grabbed our bags from the trunk before heading inside. As I moved toward the bedroom, I noticed he had stopped just inside the living room, seeming unsure of himself.

I quirked an eyebrow in his direction, “Something wrong?”

He laughed nervously, “Umm, where do you want me to put my stuff?”

I tilted my head, confused by his question, “In the bedroom…”

He shifted the bags on his shoulders awkwardly, “Sorry…I just didn’t wanna assume and make you uncomfortable…”

I couldn’t help smiling at him. He was always thinking about my feelings, and I appreciated that more than he would ever know.

“I’ll work on making some space in the closet for you. I don’t want you living out of a bag anymore while you’re home.”

The cheesiest smile slid across his face as he took in my words. When I turned to continue toward the bedroom, he followed.

He stood digging through his bag that was perched on the edge of the bed as I approached him from behind, snaking my hands under his arms to rest on his chest and leaning my forehead between his shoulder blades. He tensed slightly before relaxing into the embrace and grabbing hold of one of my hands, rubbing it gently with his thumb.

“I can’t believe you’re here. I’m almost afraid I’m gonna wake up and realize it’s a dream.”

He pulled my hand up to his mouth and kissed my fingertips, “I’m not going anywhere, mi estrella.”

I took a minute to inhale his scent before kissing the back of his neck.

“I think I’m gonna go shower.”

He paused his movements, looking down toward his bag, “I’m probably gonna journal for a while. I’ve been doing that in the evenings before I go to sleep…to wind down.”

I reached up to rub the hair at the nape of his neck as I moved to his side, looking up at him. He gave me a tight-lipped smile before he started to dig through his bag again, not meeting my eyes. I felt like he was suddenly putting up a wall. He had a long day, so I tried to not let it bother me too much as I headed toward the bathroom.

After showering and towel drying my hair, I made my way back to the bedroom. To my surprise, Dieter was on his side of the bed and appeared to be asleep. This was certainly not how I saw the evening ending. I sighed, making my way over to my side to get settled in, moving carefully so as not to disturb him. I laid there staring at the ceiling, trying to ignore my intrusive thoughts as I listened to his steady breathing. I was concerned that he was already regretting his decision. However, the rational side of my brain kept reminding me that he would need time to adjust. I eventually managed to fall into a restless sleep.

When I awoke the next morning, Dieter was already up. I wasn’t surprised given his previous schedule the last three months at Sanctuary Hills, but I had to admit that I was a little disappointed. I really wanted to wake up with him. I took a moment to stretch before sitting up to reach for my phone on the nightstand. I immediately noticed the open journal beside my phone. It was ours, the one we had both been writing in. I grabbed for it instead, closing it slightly with my finger still marking the page. I had a sinking feeling, suddenly worried it was a goodbye letter or something else equally distressing. I took a steadying breath as I leaned back against the headboard and opened it. My breath caught in my throat once I saw what was on the pages.

On the left side, was a rough pencil sketch of me sleeping. On the right, a journal entry from today.

This is the picture I’ve had in my mind since you left Canada…beautiful and at peace. While you were there, I stayed awake and watched you sleep for hours, trying to memorize everything I could. It’s what kept me going all this time even though I felt like I could never get the details right. Seeing you sleeping this morning made me realize my memory could never do you justice. I was naive for thinking otherwise and for trying. Today I woke up feeling whole. I can’t remember the last time I felt that. Thank you for making it possible. For the first time in my life, I’m actually excited about the future, and I can’t wait to spend it with you. D.

I could feel my heart clench in my chest. Any doubts I was having were now shattered by his words. We just needed to find our rhythm and he needed time to decompress.

After reading his journal entry a couple more times, I finally crawled out of bed. It was a little chilly, so I threw on my robe and tied it shut as I made my way toward the kitchen. As soon as I walked out of the bedroom, I could smell food cooking. I couldn’t help smiling to myself as I rounded the corner and found Dieter standing in front of the stove in nothing but gym shorts, cursing and jerking his hand back as the bacon grease popped at him. I took a minute to admire the lean muscles of his back, and how they flexed as he moved. He looked so fucking good.

I padded over and hugged him from behind, laying my cheek against his bare back. He rubbed one hand up my arm as he turned his head toward me to say good morning. I nuzzled my nose into the back of his neck and inhaled his scent before responding.

“Thank you for the note this morning. I needed that.”

Sensing the sullen undertone to my words, he turned to face me, letting one hand settle on my hip while the other reached to stroke my hair away from my face as he held my gaze.

His brows pinched together, “Is something wrong?”

I gave him a weak smile, “No, nothing now. I was just feeling a little insecure yesterday. I thought maybe you were shutting me out or holding back a little…But I realize you need time to adjust. It’s not a big deal. It’s just me being in my head.”

He sighed, pulling me against his chest, “I’m sorry. You’re not wrong. We probably should have talked about this in a little more detail…”

I felt my heart rate spike as the anxiety kicked in. That was not the response I expected. I pulled back, trying to keep my face neutral as I looked up at him. However, based on his panicked expression, I clearly wasn’t doing a good job of it. He rubbed at his face with one hand, shaking his head.

“Fuck. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded…I was…holding back some…but only because I didn’t want you to feel pressured to immediately pick up where we left off. In case you needed some time or…wanted to take things slow. I was just gonna try to follow your lead, ya know what I mean?”

I could feel the tension leave my body as he spoke. I smiled up at him, nodding in understanding, “I appreciate that you took that under consideration, but I can assure you that it’s not necessary. I said I was all in for this and that means everything that comes with it. If you wanna hold my hand, kiss me, or anything else, just fucking do it. You can trust that I’ll tell you if you’re doing something that makes me uncomfortable.”

He visibly relaxed some, smiling as he placed both hands on my hips and pulled me against his body. He nuzzled his nose against my ear, speaking quietly, “I’m sorry. I should’ve just brought it up yesterday. I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, fingertips twisting in the soft curls at the nap of his neck, “It’s ok. We’ve just gotta make sure we’re communicating about everything so there aren’t any misunderstandings. Ok?”

He nodded as he leaned his head against mine. I closed the space between us, gently taking his plump bottom lip between mine. I could feel his grip on my hips tighten slightly as the kiss deepened. I pulled away, breathlessly glancing over his shoulder, “Your bacon is burning.”

His eyes widened as he quickly turned toward the stove, “Fuuuck.”

Just as I started to laugh at him, the doorbell rang.

“You expecting anyone?” I asked, surprised that someone would be here this early. He shook his head as he moved to get the bacon out of the pan.

“Huh…me neither. I’ll get it.”

As I passed into the living room, the doorbell started to ring again. Clearly someone was impatient this morning. When I opened the door, I found one of the absolute last people that I expected standing there with her arms crossed and a scowl on her face.

“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked in disbelief.

She rolled her eyes, “Ty told me that Dieter is back and that he’s staying with you.”

“Did Ty give you my address too?” That guy was starting to get on my nerves now.

“Yes, because I want to see him.”

I scoffed, “You’ve got a lot of nerve showing up like this. I’m pretty sure Gabby told you that he didn’t wanna see you.”

She sneered, “Like I’m going to believe anything she says. If he doesn’t want to see me anymore, I want to hear it from his mouth.”

I felt the door push open further as Dieter came to stand behind me. I could sense how tense he was from his close proximity to my backside and his sudden and firm grip around my waist. His voice was low and full of frustration when he spoke up.

“What're you doing here, Anna?”

She seemed taken aback by his tone and appearance, staring at him wide-eyed for a moment before responding.

“Ty said you were back from treatment. I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

Dieter scoffed, “Of course he did. Did he tell you what kind of treatment too?”

Anna shook her head, “No. I didn’t ask. I just assumed it was rehab given what happened.”

Dieter moved forward to stand beside me in the doorway. One arm stayed around my waist while the other rested on his hip.

“Rehab…of course. That is the rumor, right?”

Anna's eyes widened in surprise to his response, like she didn’t know what he was talking about.

Dieter continued, “I wasn’t in rehab. I was in a mental health facility.”

She had the nerve to look concerned, “What? Why? Are you ok? Did SHE con you into doing that?”

I was the one with the scowl on my face now. I glanced up at Dieter, I could see the muscles in his jaw tightening.

“She had nothing to do with it. In fact, the hospital was gonna make me go if I didn’t do it myself. It actually wasn’t a bad thing…I learned a lot about myself and I’m a lot better now. Happy even. It might do you some good to give it a try.”

Anna’s eyes flashed with anger, “Excuse me?”

Dieter chewed on the inside of his cheek, fighting back a smile before he continued, “Given my diagnosis, it’s important that I manage my stress levels, which means cutting the problem people out of my life. That includes you. I don’t need your drama…negative influence…or lack of support. So…this is me telling you that we’re done. For good this time.”

Anna’s nostrils flared as she took in his words, “So what, she comes crawling back and suddenly I’m the problem again?

Dieter shook his head, “You know that’s not how it went down. I told you to fuck off before all this other stuff happened because you wouldn’t stop running your mouth and pushing me to do things…and I’m not stupid. I know you’ve been leaking shit to the tabloids.”

This was new information to me. I couldn’t say I was surprised by it. I was actually proud of him for having the sense to cut her off before now. I gave Anna a smug look. She knew she shouldn’t be here.

“You know I would never do that to you. How do you know she’s not the one leaking stuff? You really think this is gonna work out between you two this time? You already got rid of her once. You know she’s fucking with your head. Why are you allowing it to happen? You deserve better.”

Dieter inhaled deeply, pursing his lips as he eyed her. He shook his head slightly, stepping toward her, “Not that I need to explain any of this to you, but I think you need to hear it…I’m in love with her. She’s an amazing person with a good heart. I’m never leaving her again. It should have never happened the first time.”

He paused briefly, watching the fight leave her as her shoulders slumped at his words. He continued in a calm voice, “Ya know, this is exactly what I’m talking about…I’m not dealing with your toxic, mind fuck shit anymore. You need to leave. Don’t come back. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. We’re done. You understand? Is that clear enough for you?”

Anna was staring at the ground now, unable to look at him as she nodded in understanding. She gave me one last look of contempt as she slowly turned to leave.

Dieter moved to close the door, immediately turning to pull me into a hug, “I’m sorry you had to deal with that. Don’t let what she said bother you. She’s just trying to manipulate me like she always does.”

I leaned back to look up at him, “I don’t care about anything she says to me. It’s fine, I can take it. Are you ok though?”

He let out a measured breath as he rubbed up and down my arms, “Surprisingly…yes. Nothing she says matters to me anymore. She’s not worth the energy to be upset about it.”

My eyebrows arched upward, “I didn’t realize you two had a falling out…��

“Yeah…she kept saying she was tired of me being down and not partying with them, so she was pushing drugs and women at me constantly. When I said I wasn’t interested she would get mad and start running her mouth. I just got tired of it.”

I narrowed my eyes at him playfully, “Women? Hmm...”

His eyes widened as he vehemently started shaking his head, “Oh no, no, I didn’t…not with anyone.”

I chuckled, “I’m just messing with you. Even if you did…we weren’t together.”

His face relaxed, “Don’t worry, you were the only woman on my mind.” I cupped his cheeks, taking in the calm expression on his face before leaning in for a soft kiss. He smiled, nuzzling his nose against mine, “Let’s go eat breakfast and forget this happened.” I nodded as he took my hand and pulled me toward the kitchen.

It didn’t go unnoticed by me that he handled this confrontation with Anna completely different than the one at the restaurant. He remained calm and present the entire time. It was obvious that he was in a different place now. I actually felt proud of him and hoped it hadn’t caused him any undue stress.

The next couple of days kept us pretty busy. Ty had lined up several meetings to start getting Dieter’s contract obligations figured out before lawyers started getting involved due to delays. Since I had taken time off work, Dieter asked me to come with him to ensure he didn’t get talked into anything crazy.

As I sat listening to the conversations around me, it was obvious that Ty had a complete disregard for Dieter’s recovery as he pushed him to take on too much, too soon and couldn’t be bothered with the finer details of what would be needed for Dieter’s routine and self-care measures. I could see why Dieter wanted someone else there with him that knew his boundaries. Dieter did push back though. He got what he wanted and if concessions couldn’t be made for him, then he backed out of the projects. Ty was furious, but we ignored his outbursts. By the end of the week, Dieter had decided that he was ready to let Ty go. After discussing the change with Elaine, she happily put Dieter in touch with some new prospects that she felt would be a better fit.

After Ty got the news, it didn’t take long for new rumors to start making their rounds in the media about where Dieter had really been and the state of his mental health. We all knew Ty and maybe even Anna were behind it but had no proof. Elaine had recommended that we not address any of the rumors and deflect if questioned. However, after some thought, Dieter decided that he wanted to release a statement with the truth and maybe even eventually do an interview. He felt like it was his opportunity to address an important topic that didn’t get enough attention and was rather taboo to discuss, especially amongst actors out of fear that it would ruin their reputation. Given his own history and what had happened with his mom, he felt like it was a cause worthy of his support and he felt pretty strongly about it.

Elaine eventually acquiesced and drafted the statement. She ended it with a request “to respect the privacy of Mr. Bravo, his siblings, and Ms. Cohen as they continue to work through his recovery as a family.” Dieter had insisted I be included. He was making another statement without really saying it. I didn’t mind. We were back in LA after all, so we were bound to be seen together. Elaine agreed and thought it might cut back on some of the frenzy and speculation if we were open about being together, rather than trying to hide it. Dieter was anxious, but he didn’t second guess it as he told Elaine to hit send. The news was everywhere within the hour and the response to it was overwhelmingly positive.

Surprisingly, Dr. Rosenberg gave us a call later that afternoon to check in after seeing the press release. She was very supportive and actually thanked Dieter for being willing to share his story and raise awareness on the topic. We were still having regular calls with her until she found someone in LA that she was comfortable referring us to, but she wanted to continue to check in with us no matter what. We of course were thankful for her continued involvement and care for our wellbeing.

Later that evening, we had dinner at Gabby’s house. Everyone had called Dieter to check in since he had been home, but it was the first time they were getting to see him. Gabby wanted to give him some time to settle in before overwhelming him with a family get together. On the ride over, he admitted that he was nervous and worried that it would be awkward. However, his fears were quickly put to rest as he was welcomed with excitement and hugs from everyone. Lauren even shed a few tears. There was no awkwardness, only happiness to have both of us home.

Dieter stayed glued to my side the entire evening, constantly touching me in some way. He seemed happy and was having a good time. He didn’t appear to be anxious at all, so I was hopeful that meant he had other things on his mind. The glances that he kept sending my way seemed to confirm my thoughts.

We still hadn’t been intimate since coming home. He had relaxed significantly and had been extremely affectionate toward me after our conversation, but somehow, it hadn’t come to that. There were even a couple of instances where I felt like he was avoiding it. I had to tell my brain to stop thinking that way. However, when we got home that evening and a somewhat heated make out session started in the bathroom as we were getting ready for bed, he quickly pivoted by saying he was tired and still needed to do his journal entry before he fell asleep. I struggled to ignore it that time. My gut told me that something was up.

Several days later, we were sitting on the couch watching tv. I had thrown my legs over the top of his as I laid back onto a pile of pillows. His right hand was resting just above my bare knee, thumb occasionally rubbing in small circles. His other hand was gently massaging my feet. I absentmindedly stuck my hand up my tank to scratch at my stomach. From the corner of my eye, I noticed he was watching my hand, but trying not to be obvious about it. I did a small stretch, causing the hem to ride up further as I slid my fingers into the waistband of my shorts, looping my thumb over the top to rest there as I stayed focused on the tv. I felt the fingers on his right-hand twitch slightly before his whole hand started to rub and massage at my thigh.

He continued to stare blankly at the tv for several minutes, but I could feel the hardness forming under my legs. I moved slightly, grazing against him. His eyes shifted over to mine, and I smirked, moving my legs again. He grabbed hold of both my feet with his large hand, stalling my movements.

I bit my bottom lip, narrowing my eyes as I looked at him, “What’s going on in that head of yours today?”

He cleared his throat, “I’m watching tv. The show is on my mind.”

I slid my hand downward slightly, tugging the waistband of the shorts with my thumb. I slowly brought my other hand upward across my stomach, raising the hem of my tank further, letting it rest just under my breast. Then, I loosely clenched my thighs together. I knew he could feel it because his eyes darted down in that direction before going back to the tv. I could tell he was fighting a smile as his right hand continued its movements. The heat of his touch radiating directly to my core, now causing my thighs to involuntarily clench together, tighter this time. He closed his eyes and tucked his bottom lip between his teeth as his fingers dug into the soft meaty area above my knee.

“Sorry, I’ve got a little bit of an ache…maybe that’s something you can help me with?”

He opened his eyes and gave me a tight-lipped smile, “Alright, fine. You win.”

He laughed quietly as he shifted to move up my body, placing open mouthed kisses on bare skin as he went. When he made it to my chest, I felt his hand tentatively sliding toward the waistband of my shorts. I covered it with mine and guided it underneath to where I wanted it. Once he realized I wasn’t wearing any panties, he groaned into my neck. As his hand sunk lower, he groaned again, “Fucking hell, your soaking wet.”

My breath hitched as he slid his fingers between my folds and got to work. My hands found their way to the back of his head, tightly gripping his curls to pull him upward so I could kiss him even though I was already breathless. It had been too long, and I already felt like I was floating. It wasn’t going to take long for me to finish at this rate.

Our tongues tangled together as my hips moved in rhythm with his motions. I moaned into his mouth, pulling away to catch my breath. My eyes involuntarily squeezed shut as I could feel the familiar tingle building in my core. Dieter placed his forehead against mine, “Look at me…I want you looking at me when you come undone.”

My eyes met his as my thighs started to tremble. I mumbled something unintelligible against his lips as my release ripped through me. He nudged his nose against mine, watching as I lost it underneath the weight of his body.

Before I had a chance to completely recover, he was kissing me again. It was almost frenzied as he bucked his hips against my center, nearly making me come for a second time with minimal effort. My hand slowly moved down toward the front of his gym shorts. He broke away, leaning his forehead against mine, squeezing his eyes shut as he shook his head slightly. He sighed and moved to sit up, rubbing at his face with both hands.

My brows knitted together in concern as I set up at his side, “Hey, what's wrong?”

He laughed in disbelief through his hands before dropping them to his lap and looking at me with an odd expression that I couldn’t read.

“I can’t fucking believe this is happening…I’m sorry, I should have said something the other day, but I was hoping it wasn’t actually an issue.”

I was completely lost, “What’s going on?”

He looked at me wide-eyed, his mouth hanging open slightly for a moment before any words came out, “I think I’m having…performance anxiety or something.” He laughed again. “Talk about being ironic.”

My eyebrows arched upward, “Ooooh...Are you sure that’s what it is? Maybe it’s your medication? I mean, the doctor did say that could be a side effect.”

He shook his head as a deep crease formed between his brows, “I don’t think it’s that…I mean, I still get aroused and can…you know…”

His lips formed into a line, “Fuck. I can’t believe I’m having this conversation.”

He put his hand back over his face out of embarrassment. I reached over and squeezed his knee.

“So, you can take care of things yourself then? Is that what you’re saying?” I wasn’t sure how I wanted him to answer that question. It was going to sting either way.

“Yeah, I mean after the other night…When I woke up the next morning…in the shower. I felt like an asshole afterwards though.”

I bit the inside of my cheek, looking away from him. I wasn’t sure how to respond to that. I couldn’t help feeling insecure over it and he could sense it.

“It’s got nothing to do with you. You’re not doing anything wrong. You’re…fucking perfect.” He reached over to grab my hand, lacing our fingers together, “If it makes you feel better, I was thinking about you when I did it…”

I gave him a look that fell somewhere between a grimace and a smile, before I let a small laugh escape. Meanwhile, he was slowly descending into panic.

“I promise, it’s me. I’m just getting all in my head about everything and it kind of ruins the moment.” He gestured toward his crotch with his free hand and had an annoyed look on his face.

I somehow managed a neutral expression, “Do you wanna talk about what’s bothering you then? Maybe it’ll help.” I shrugged, giving him a sympathetic look.

He sighed heavily, “I just…I dunno…I think I’m worried it’s gonna be different somehow…that I’m gonna be different. What if I can’t connect emotionally or feel things like before? I mean that’s always been kind of an important part of it for us…the emotional connection. You know what I mean? That makes me worry it’s gonna be bad for you if I can no longer give you that part of myself because something’s different in my brain.”

I could feel my chest tightening as I realized this was really getting to him, “I mean, Dr. Rosenberg said how you feel about things wouldn’t change. It’s not like your emotions are turned off. You still feel things.”

“Yeah, but it's not always as intense as before.” His dark eyes were giving me a pleading look. Like he was expecting me to up and leave over this.

“Well, that’s not necessarily a bad thing in some instances…and who knows, maybe it’ll be even better now since you’re more present and in control of everything.”

He chuckled, “God, if it gets any better than it was, I may not be able to handle it.”

I smiled at him. At least his sense of humor was still intact.

“It’s kind of a compounding thing too, because now I’m just like…fuck, I have to be able do this or she’s gonna be unsatisfied and unhappy you know? I don’t want to mess shit up again. Then it’s just…like…these negative pressuring thoughts on repeat, and I can’t make it stop.”

I gave him a smirk as I moved to wrap my arms around his neck, “You’re more than qualified to satisfy me in a couple other ways…as you just demonstrated. So, don’t even think about that anymore. I’m not going anywhere. We will figure it out together, ok?”

He nodded, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me onto his lap for a comforting embrace.

I kissed the top of his head, “Thank you for telling me.”

“So, what do you think we should do?” He asked against my neck.

“Well, I say we just try again when the mood strikes and see what happens. Maybe now that you’ve told me what’s going on…it’ll get better.”

He nodded before turning to give me a quick kiss. (More after the gif)

Over the next week, we had a few more failed attempts. It only seemed to be discouraging him further. I could sense it happening each time and there was no way of stopping it. I could tell it was starting to weigh on him, so I decided to give Dr. Rosenberg a call. Apparently, this was a pretty common issue, and she offered a few suggestions. Starting with giving him tasks to focus on while I was in charge of things. I felt like I could work with that. He did like my bossy side after all. So, I started to formulate a plan of action to solve the problem at hand.

The following morning, I was awakened to the feeling of Dieter’s rough hand slowly sliding up my bare hip to the middle of my waist, then back down again. Once he realized I had nothing on underneath the t-shirt I had worn to bed, it seemed to have the desired effect. His grip tightened, fingers digging into soft flesh as he pulled my ass backwards against the hardness that he had woken up with. I couldn’t help the sly smile that slid across my face, hoping that this might actually get somewhere if I could keep him focused on what he was feeling rather than what he was thinking.

I did a full body stretch, humming from the feel of it as I leaned my back against his chest. He nuzzled his face into the crook of my neck as he groaned, tightening his grip on my hip further and grinding into my backside. I reached up with my right hand and gently tugged the soft curls at the crown of his head as he ran his nose up the length of my stretched-out neck, then around the edge of my ear. The feel of his hot breath against the sensitive area caused me to break out in goosebumps, putting every nerve ending in my body on alert.

I turned my head to meet his lips, pulling him down into a slow and sensual kiss. I removed my hand from his hair then lightly slid it down his arm to sit atop his hand on my hip. I laced my fingers through the top of his and guided his hand up under my shirt to rest on my breast, encouraging him to knead it in the palm of his hand. We both moaned quietly through locked lips from the contact as I scooted to lay flat on my back. He settled between my thighs as I hooked my leg around his hip, rubbing my bare center against the hardness in his shorts. He pressed his forehead to mine and closed his eyes momentarily as I continued moving against him. When he opened them, I could tell he was starting to get lost in his head again, hesitating before he leaned down to kiss me.

I broke away from the kiss, snaking my left hand up into his hair, gripping it firmly between my fingers and pulling his ear down to meet my lips. I gently sucked on the lobe before whispering, “Lay down on your back and close your eyes.” The distraction of my words brought him back to the moment as he pulled away, looking down at me with a playful but questioning grin on his face. He was clearly intrigued by my instructions as he did what was asked.

Once he was situated, I moved to slide his shorts down. He raised his hips off the bed to assist in removing them. Once they were discarded on the floor, I slowly crawled up his body, making light grazes across his skin along the way. Placing open mouthed kisses on his muscular thighs before nipping and sucking on them playfully. Eventually, I moved to straddle his hips. I pulled my t-shirt over my head and tossed it on the floor before leaning down to suck on his bottom lip. After grabbing both of his hands in mine, I pulled away from the kiss with a pop. I moved to whisper in his ear again, “Don’t open your eyes. If you do, I'll stop. Just focus on my voice and what you’re feeling. Nothing else.”

Dieter’s breath stuttered as he slowly shook his head in agreement. The anticipation and not knowing what to expect causing his skin to flush. The idea of giving him a task to focus on was clearly keeping his intrusive thoughts at bay for the time being as he continued to harden beneath me. I sat upright, pulling his hands with me, and placing them on my breast. Encouraging him to let them roam and caress my body. I guided them down to feel up my thighs and around to grip my ass. As his fingers dug into the meaty flesh, I rolled my hips, rubbing my aching wet center against him.

“You feel that? You did that to me.”

He groaned at my words and bucked his hips up against me, seeking more friction. I grabbed his right hand and brought it down to rub the slick at my center.

“This is all for you,” I added before bringing his hand to my mouth and sucking his fingers clean. I watched as his eyes snapped open in shock to meet mine. I stopped and pulled his hands away from my body.

“Eyes closed or it stops.”

He huffed loudly, “You’re gonna make me have a fucking heart attack,” as he closed his eyes again.

I couldn’t help the mischievous smile that slid across my face as I took in the sight of him, already panting and his skin beading with sweat. My plan appeared to be working.

I took his hands and guided them to lay above his head, momentarily pinning them there to give further instruction.

“No baby, I’m gonna make you feel good. Then you’re gonna make love to me. Don’t open your eyes again or move your hands. I mean it, I’ll stop.”

He whimpered quietly as he let out a measured breath, nodding in agreement. I went to work, worshiping every inch of him. Starting at his neck, licking and sucking his flushed skin as I worked my way down his torso. Alternating between light touches in the sensitive areas and deep massaging over his taut muscles. With every movement my wet center rubbed against his hardness as he continued to grind his hips against me, causing that electric tingling sensation to build. However, this time was about his pleasure, not mine. So, I started to move backward to straddle his legs as I continued to work my way down his body with my mouth. He groaned at the loss of contact until I took his dick in my hand and started stroking it, spreading my wetness up and down his shaft as I nipped and sucked on his hip.

He was beginning to squirm beneath me. It was clearly becoming harder for him to keep his hands in place as he knotted the sheets in his fingers above his head and tightly squeezed his eyes shut. A sweat covered crease formed between his brows as he fought to control himself. I let my hot breath blow against him as I spoke up to remind him not to move or open his eyes before taking him into my mouth.

His elbows jerked up off the bed and I immediately pulled back, ceasing my movements. He mumbled something in Spanish that I couldn’t quite make out as he put his arms back in place. This was driving him crazy, but it was also keeping all of the negative thoughts out of his head, and I was loving every second of it.

I took as much of his length into my mouth as I could and used one hand to stroke the remainder of the shaft while the other moved to massage his balls in a wave motion with my fingertips. I could tell it was taking everything in him not to look down at me or reach for my hair. He tried to move his legs, but they were pinned under me, further limiting his response to my actions. He was quickly melting into a sweaty, groaning, writhing mess underneath me as I licked and sucked on his sensitive head.

Once his thighs started to shake and his balls began to tighten, I removed him from my mouth and stopped my motions. He growled and pulled a pillow over his face, yelling expletives into it. I couldn’t help the laughter that escaped me. I was enjoying this too much. Once he had calmed down some, I worked to bring him back to the edge, again ceasing my motions once he was there.

After allowing him to come back down a second time, I moved to straddle his hips. I placed him at my entrance and slowly sank down onto his length, allowing him to stretch me in the most delightful way. Once I was able to fully take him in, I leaned forward to grab his arms, pulling him to sit upright and placing his hands on my ass to help guide my movement. Realizing he still had his eyes closed as I placed my forehead against his, a smile spread across my face before whispering against his lips, “You can open your eyes now.”

Dieter’s eyes slowly opened, revealing that his pupils were fully dilated with arousal. There was no stopping him now. He was focused and determined as he crashed his lips against mine in a passionate kiss before tangling his hand in my hair, gently pulling my head backwards and burying his face into the crook of my neck. I continued to rock against him as he nipped and sucked at the sensitive area just above my collarbone, sending electrical shocks directly to my core with his touch and the scrap of his scruffy beard. My fingers moved to knot into his sweaty curls, pulling him tightly against me as we moved in unison.

We knew how to do this, how to read each other’s bodies and connect in the most intimate and emotional ways. Though he had been worried about it being different, about him being different, it wasn’t something we would ever lose. It was engraved into our very souls. He just needed to be shown the way back to me, to us. There was no hesitation from him now as he angled my face toward his, releasing his hold on my hair to bring his thumb to rest on my chin and stroke it gently. Our eyes locked into an intense gaze for a time while we continued to move together. My forehead eventually fell forward to rest against his as beads of sweat rolled down both of our faces from the exertion. Both of us taking turns stealing kisses from the other between the soft moans and heavy breathing. Our connection felt just as strong as it had been previously.

As Dieter got closer to his climax, he reached for my right hand, disentangling it from his hair and brought it to his mouth. After gently sucking and swirling his tongue around the tips of my fingers, he moved them to the bundle of nerves at my center, encouraging me to find my release with him while he worked to speed up our rhythm. With both of his hands placed firmly on my ass, fingers digging into the soft flesh there, he continued guiding my rocking movements against him. His eyes never left my face as he watched me come undone on top of him, quietly whispering praises against my lips as I got closer to the edge. Once my muscles started to clench down around him, he fell over the edge with me. Both of us letting out loud groans with our releases. His face fell forward into the crook of my neck, his hot breath blowing against me as I hugged him tightly, both of us trembling and sweaty from our activities.

We sat like that for several minutes, giving each other a chance to come down from our mutual high. He eventually lulled his head back to look up at me with a lazy smile on his face, which caused his eyes to crinkle in that way I loved. I leaned down to capture his pillowy bottom lip into a sensual kiss, knitting his hair in one hand while the other slid across the rough scruff on his cheek. He groaned into my mouth before breaking the kiss, then nuzzled his nose against mine.

Dieter let out a breathy laugh as he started twisting my hair around his fingers against the middle of my back with one hand, allowing the other to wander freely across my body as he studied my face, “I certainly wasn’t expecting to wake up to that. What has gotten into you this morning? Not that I’m complaining…”

“Well…it looks like you did.”

He snorted, “Seriously, where did that come from?”

I ran my hand down the side of his face to cup his cheek, “Oh, you know me…I’m really good at operations management. Just working through things to figure out the most efficient process for peak outcomes,” I said with a smirk.

He chuckled, “You know I think it’s hot when you’re all bossy. Give me fifteen minutes and we can test out that process again, ya know, and make sure it’s efficient…Actually, if you wanna take it up a few notches, I may only need ten.”

“Is that right?” I mumbled against his lips with a smile, he nodded in response before kissing me. We melted into each other, bodies pressed together as our tongues and hands explored every area of skin they could reach. It wasn’t long before I could feel him getting hard again.

Hours later, we laid in bed facing each other, with lazy smiles and blissfully spent. I had missed him like this, completely relaxed and carefree. Whatever block he had been experiencing seemed to now be non-existent as he lightly drug his fingers up and down the length of my bare side and randomly kissed me as we talked. The weight had lifted, allowing the spark of happiness to return to his eyes. His playfulness was on full display as he laughed at my words and threw in the occasional innuendo.

He grew quiet after a time, studying my face. His brows creased slightly as he took hold of my hand and brought it to his cheek for a moment, before closing his eyes and turning to kiss it gently. When he met my gaze again, I could see a range of emotions playing out across his expression.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?”

He smiled as he nuzzled his face into my hand, “You’ve always been able to read me so well. No one else knows how to do that.”

I scratched at his scruffy face and gave him an encouraging smile. He sighed, wrapping his arm around me to pull me snuggly against his chest before burying his face in the top of my hair.

“I was just thinking how lucky I am to have you…just kinda taking a minute to appreciate what I have and be hopeful for the future…Our future together.”

I could sense that wasn’t everything, “Is that all?”

He huffed out a small laugh into my hair, “No.”

Of course, I could tell it wasn’t. I pulled away some to meet his eyes, waiting for him to continue. He avoided my stare as he thought through his words. His brows knitted together, eyes turning glassy. I could tell he was fighting back emotions.

“I just…it’s hard not to be angry about the time we lost. It’s always gonna be one of my biggest regrets.”

I sat up on my elbow, cradling his face in my other hand, forcing him to look at me.

“You can’t move forward if you're dwelling on the past. You’re gonna have to let that go. I’m guilty of it too. I did it first, remember?”

His lips twitched upward at the memory.

“It was months. Why focus on a handful of shitty months when we have years ahead of us to look forward to?”

He smiled, leaning into my hand before pulling me down to meet his lips. It finally felt like we had gotten over our last major hurdle and could now focus on our future together.

A/N: And there we have it! Our two lovebirds are finally back together! How excited are you for that? And that journal entry - Swoon! 😍 How amazing did it feel for Dieter to tell Anna off for good and get rid of Ty? Do you think Rylee will come back to work with him? And how about him releasing a statement...Good or bad idea? Also, how adorable is he with all his worries? Poor thing with his performance anxiety...you all had to know his love of Talia's boss lady side was going to come into play at some point, right? So, it looks like I'm still on schedule to have one more chapter and an epilogue to finish this out. I almost split this one since it came in at over 10k words but decided against it. I threw in a few gifs to break it up a bit though. Can you feel that happy ending on the horizon now? Please feel free to show your enthusiasm with messages and reblogs. 😘 👉 In case you missed it, The Knight & His Queen was posted over the holidays. This is a four-part series I completed for the PedroStories Secret Santa event, and it has been posted in its entirety. It's another Dieter Bravo fic where our beloved trash panda takes a dive into the world of mystics, tarot readings, and love. Give it a read. It's fun, fluffy, and fairly angst free.

Next Chapter

Tag List: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @for-a-longlongtime @hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring @partyofone3413 @wannab-urs @cakipy-blog @titlee78 @poodlebae @guelyury @missladym1981 @maried01 @alokaerza @samiamproductions @misstokyo7love @themonadiaries-blog @madnessofadaydreamer @darkheartgatita @avastrasposts @weho2kcmo @harriedandharassed @tkchaos @girlofchaos @yghuibt @musings-of-a-rose @annieispunk @sarcasm-theotherwhitemeat @copperhalfcent @pedrostories

Let me know in the comments below if you would like to be added to the tag list.

#dieter bravo #dieter bravo fic #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal character fanfic #Destiny & Deliverance Series #friends of juice collective

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daisynik7 · 7 months

Note

“How Do I Breathe” by Mario for Eren Yeager - Angst

How Do I Breathe

Pairing: Eren Jaeger x reader (gender-neutral)

Word Count: ~0.9k

cw: angst, mentions of anxiety, depression, and panic attacks, established relationship, hurt/comfort, modern day setting

Summary: Eren makes a big decision to move overseas to Marley for a new job, away from all his friends, his family, and worst of all, you. He realizes the hard way that this might have not been the best decision for him.

Author’s Notes: Thanks for the request for the y2k karaoke party, anon! This song is sad, perfect for some Eren angst! I dug deep for this, pulling from some personal experience I had with my partner not too long ago. Hope you like it! Likes, reblogs, and/comments are always appreciated, thank you for reading!

Eren stares up the ceiling, lying in the bed of his tiny studio apartment. The faucet drips slowly; he must’ve not shut it off all the way, causing it to leak. Every now and again, police sirens blare past, fading in the distance to whatever routine crime is happening a couple blocks down. By two in the morning, college kids return from their late-night parties, slurring their words loudly in the hallway, slamming their doors shut without any care for their neighbors. It doesn’t matter though; regardless of the surrounding commotion, Eren can’t sleep.

It takes him one month to realize the vast differences between Marley and Paradis. It’s one thing to read about it in books or magazines, it’s another to experience it personally. Here, everything moves in fast forward, constantly in motion, no time to stop and smell the roses. Sometimes, he doesn’t have time to think, always pressured to make a rash decision. Work is the same; people always on the go, hasty to make deadlines. It’s even worse because it’s dog-eat-dog, no sense of teamwork or community, everyone trying to compete with each other for that raise or promotion.

Life on Paradis was simple. Small towns, tight knit communities, the type of place where everyone knows everyone and you were never alone. Eren spent nearly his entire childhood glamorizing the world beyond the sea. He stayed in Paradis throughout college and when a job opportunity came to relocate to Marley, he didn’t hesitate to take it. When he made that decision, you were nervous about doing long-distance. “It’s only an hour away by plane, two hours by boat!” he claimed, excited. How could you deny him of this? The dream he had since he was a little kid? So, despite your concerns about it, you agreed to stay together.

Two months in, you start noticing changes in his demeanor. His voice on the phone becomes more docile. His face during video chats looks tired, dark circles under his eyes, gauntness in his cheeks, as if he hasn’t been sleeping well. No matter how hard you try to pry it out of him, he’ll never admit that he’s starting to feel depressed, desperate to cling onto this dream of his. A dream that has gradually turned into a nightmare.

Four months in, unable to sleep, mind racing, he grabs his phone, dialing your number, praying that you answer. The air is thick, making it difficult to breath, throat tight and chest heavy. After three rings, you pick up, your voice concerned. “Eren? Are you okay?”

Tears stream down his face, breathing labored, barely able to talk. “No, I’m not,” he manages to say.

You sit up in your bed, fully awake now, giving him your full attention. “Sweetie, breathe, okay? Just breathe for me.”

He sniffles, choking on his spit, trying his best to calm down. His fingertips are tingling now, body cold and rigid, heart racing wildly. He’s convinced he’s about to die, here in this dinky apartment. Alone.

“Eren, breathe with me. Please. Listen to me and do it with me, okay?” You inhale deeply through your nose, exhale slowly out your mouth, loud enough for him to hear. It takes him a bit to collect himself, but when he does, he copies you, pausing only a few times to wipe his face on his blanket.

“Good job, baby. You’re doing great,” you encourage him, listening to him carefully.

It continues like this for several minutes, until his breathing returns to a normal pace. Eventually, he murmurs, “I can’t do it anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t want to be here anymore. Away from family. My friends. You.” He swallows hard, sinking into pillows. “I’m miserable. It’s nothing like what I imagined.”

Your heart sinks, tempted to say whatever you can to bring him back, bring him home. But you don’t. Instead, you say, “Give it more time. You can make friends there.”

He snorts. “The people here don’t want friends. They want allies. People they can use. You know how much I hate that.”

You remain silent, listening to him, unsure what else to say.

He continues, breathing normally now. “I thought this is what I wanted. To be free, to explore my horizons, all that cliché bullshit. I thought the other side of the sea would bring me joy. But here, I’m so lonely. I miss you so much.” He pauses for a beat, eventually adding, “This place sucks.”

You laugh at his crassness, tears welling in your eyes. “I miss you too, Eren. It’s lonely without you here. It doesn’t feel like home anymore.”

He smiles into the phone, warmth returning to his body, wishing he was with you. Wishing he could hug you and kiss you and cuddle with you until he falls asleep peacefully in your arms. “I’m sorry for being a selfish idiot. I should have never left.”

“You’re not a selfish idiot,” you assure him. “It’s good that you tried it out. And who knows, maybe in another universe, you would have really loved Marley.”

He scoffs, rolling his eyes at the ridiculous idea. “I think in all possible universes, I would still hate Marley.”

You giggle, glad to hear him back to his normal self.

Six months after his move to Marley, Eren returns home, safe and sound.

#eren jaeger #eren yeager #eren jaeger x reader #eren jaeger x you #eren jaeger angst #eren yeager x reader #eren yeager x you #eren yeager angst #attack on titan x reader #attack on titan x you #attack on titan angst #aot x reader #aot fanfiction #aot angst #eren x reader #eren angst #y2k karaoke party #milestone event

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joels-shitty-puns · 7 months

Text

The Key To Your Heart - Track 2

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Musician!Reader

Series Summary: After writing your feelings for Pedro into a song, it gains a lot more popularity than expected. Ultimately it brings both criticism and support, with new possibilities around the corner.

Series Warnings: 18+ only (MDNI). Potential for puns/dad jokes (name of my blog, and the fic) should give that away. This is my first fic which should be its own warning, lol. Also some cursing. Mentions of masturbation (f) maybe more smut later idk. Sadness, reader is pretty depressed. Poor body image. Rude people. Bullying-ish and just lack of support? Anxiety. Age gap! Reader is in her mid 20's, Pedro is current age (48).

Other stuff: Reader is plus sized. AFAB. Inexperienced. Also has a dog, but you can pretend it is another creature probably. Further, in case it isn't clear, italics almost always are the reader's inner thoughts!

Word Count: 2.8K

Series List: Here!

Miss last chapter? Here!

I had a real rough time figuring out the proper voice for Pedro's dialogue and I hope I did him justice. Either way, the support I received for part 1 is astounding and completely unexpected! Thank you all for reading and let me know what you think :) I plan to continue until the story wraps up, but I don't know how many parts that will be. I hope to post every couple days, but with my work schedule it may be less speedy. Here we go!

You walk in the door, unclipping Skip's leash, slipping off your shoes, and dropping your keys on the countertop before flopping onto the couch and unlocking your phone. No. Fucking. Way.

Pedro Pascal (pascalispunk) replied to your message.

You dissected each letter of the username, assuming it couldn't possibly be THE Pedro Pascal… but it was. It really, really was. You clicked the message, holding your breath.

Pedro Pascal replied to you: "Hey, you don't need to thank me. I didn't say anything that wasn't true. That guy was out of line. You deserve happiness and I'm sorry for the harsh words you've been hearing. I appreciate you sharing your vulnerability with the world and hope that you will continue to be your genuine self and ignore the comments trying to make you be someone else. Don't listen to those people."

You stared in disbelief at his words, once again wondering why he would ever be so kind to someone he doesn't even know. Someone so childish and stupid to write a song about a man she doesn't know. I can't imagine he'd think these things if he knew it was about him…

You: "Thank you Mr. Pascal. I'm a big fan of yours and hearing that you're in my corner has me completely at a loss. I can't imagine why you would risk damaging your image by defending a girl…" No… don't say girl, it makes you sound like a child. You want this guy to like you! You backspace with a slight feeling of ridiculousness over the whole scenario. Ugh it's all wrong… calm down... calm down… it's just a conversation. He doesn't know you. He doesn't like you. Don't make it weird like you always do.

You try again.

You: "Thank you Mr. Pascal. I really admire your work and for you to say such kind things to me… to think that you're in my corner, has me completely at a loss for words. I don't know what I did to deserve this treatment when you don't even know me, especially when coming to my defense could potentially harm your image… but thank you."

He read it almost immediately. Your heart was beating out of your chest and you felt like you could throw up from the anxiety and adrenaline. After a few seconds, those stress-inducing dot-dot-dots appeared to show you he was typing.

He's actually replying to me?? Again? Doesn't he have better things to do?

Your mind wandered to what he might be doing while he's messaging you. Sitting at his home, relaxing, taking the time to reply to you? Why? Maybe he's on a plane or waiting for something and killing time. Maybe he's- *ping*

Pedro Pascal replied to your message:

"Please, you can call me Pedro.. and as far as defending you, it doesn't matter to me that we don't know each other personally. You seem like a woman with a good heart, and all you did was share your true self. Nobody deserves to be talked poorly about for something harmless that they feel. If something like that hurts my image… then my true self wasn't being represented. I think we all just want to be seen, and I hope that you will feel comfortable to be yourself and show yourself more."

You don't know when you started crying, but you hiccupped with the overwhelming wave of emotions. He sees me.. you had just scrolled to the bottom of the long reply, when you noticed the "..." of typing again. He has more to say?!

Pedro Pascal: "As far as the subject of your song.. whether you choose to reveal that to him, or the world, you deserve love and respect. Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there is a terrifying thing to do, and I myself tend to close myself off from relationships to avoid that potential for getting hurt. But if that's what you want, you've already taken a big step and you should go for it. I hope that whoever he is gives you the respect and love you deserve."

Holy crap…

He doesn't… he doesn't know it's him right?? No. There's no way. He's just being nice… he's too nice. He's too genuine..??

Your thumbs hover over the keyboard, doing a little dance in the air, pondering what to say. How much can I share with this man? Between this crush and his kind words, it's feeling tricky to hold back from spilling too much information.

You: "Thank you Pedro. You're too kind and I can't properly explain how much I really appreciate it. I'm having trouble coming to terms with all the sudden attention, and finding it hard to ground myself. But your words are helping me a lot. I - "

You hesitated over your next words, wondering if you should open up or just leave it. Don't be weird… don't scare him away like you always have with everyone else. As much as you think of disclosing your hesitation and lack of experience with relationships, as well as your reasons for trepidation, you decide to spare him of your self-hatred. Instead, you delete that last letter and hit send.

Then you send another message, like he did. "And as far as the guy… I know I don't know him personally, we've never met, but I can already tell he would treat me right. I just hope maybe someday he will love me back."

Immediately after sending it you regretted it. That felt way too open and vulnerable. What are you thinking!?! Shit… what if he sees through you!?

You hold your finger down on the message, ready to hit unsend before he sees it. But it's too late. He's already replying.

Pedro: "He would be stupid not to love you back."

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck

You: "Thank you, Pedro. 🥺" Play it cool… Play it cool…

Pedro: "Of course, sweetheart. Feel free to message me if anyone else gives you trouble or you just want to chat. I enjoyed talking with you."

???!!!!!?????!!!!! SweetheartSweetheartSweetheart

You grabbed your nearest pillow and screamed into it. "SKIPPPPPEERRRRRRR!!!!!! I JUST HAD A CONVERSATION WITH PEDRO AND IT WAS MAGICAL AND AAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!" You squealed.

Skipper lifted his head at you and sighed before setting his head back down. He was no stranger to your shenanigans. Napping after a good walk was a better use of his energy than to deal with your drama. He closed his little brown eyes again.

You lay back on the couch, kicking your feet and squeezing your pillow to your body.

Fuck, this is going to hit me like a truck if it goes sour. If he even realizes it's about him, probably. Crap… what am I going to do?

The next day, you woke up and checked your emails before work. Thankfully nobody at your workplace has seemed to place your singing voice to your speaking voice, or pieced together the fact that several people know you have a crush on a certain celebrity and are a musician. Thank goodness. That’s the last thing you need.

You closed your eyes for a few minutes, trying to calm your breathing, your nerves, and your heart rate, before relaxing and shaking out your body. Finally, you decided to get ready for bed and see what tomorrow brings.

Your emails come in, one by one, with one intriguing email at the top, from a well known pop-culture show called The Jazz & Ally-Kat Show. They want to do an interview with you, live, as soon as possible.

Great. They probably just want to see what I look like or have me spill my guts about my crush. You roll your eyes, and you can’t help but feel like the Mandalorian with his lack of face reveals. If only you had a cute little space baby to accompany you. I guess Skip is my own precious cargo in a way, you think, while looking at your still sleeping pup. You're being silly… Not everything needs to relate back to Pedro, you think with a sigh to yourself.

Yet despite your anxiety, you agreed to their interview, with the exception that it was done as a podcast style interview, where simply your voices are featured. Surprisingly, they agreed. I guess everyone likes some drama, and what better way to get views than by having a little mystery.

The interview was scheduled for three days from then, and in the meantime you focused on work and your album, which was mostly finished after years of writing songs. All it needed was some editing.

As the days went by, you wanted desperately to message Pedro again. You wanted to tell him your feelings. Have him confess that he loves you too. Ask him about his family, his friends, his favorite things. Meet him, kiss him, fall in love, and finally be happy. But ultimately you knew that was silly. You had one little conversation, and although it was nice, you still didn't know each other. There was no way he loved you back. Yet…? you asked yourself, hopeful, almost asking for permission to let yourself try and earn his love.

Despite Instagram drawing you in like a magnet, you held back from messaging him. You didn't want to come on too strong. You messaged him first last time. He doesn't know you. Literally… he doesn't even know your real name, or what you look like. But maybe that's a good thing…

_____The day of the interview:_____

You woke up around 9:30 in the morning; nervous, slightly nauseated, restless, and jittery. Why did I agree to this??!

You decided to pass on the coffee this morning, figuring it would make things worse, and instead decided to take Skipper for a walk. After some fresh air followed by a refreshing shower, you looked at the clock. 11:30 AM. With the interview at 1PM, you still had some time to kill and sat down at the piano, letting your mind wander to Pedro while you plunked chords out with nimble fingers. I wonder if Pedro has ever wanted to learn any instruments… I could teach him, you daydream.

Your hands dance across the piano while he reads through a script in the other room, eyebrows furrowed as he highlights another line. You look up over the grand piano and see his soft brown curls blowing under the fan haphazardly. The sun is shining in through the window, which Skip bathes under, and reflects a golden brown undertone with gray streaks in Pedro's hair. He really is beautiful, you think. His tongue swipes across his lips as he makes notes and erases, before finally feeling your eyes on him. He glances up from the script, giving you a soft smile and a wink; with those chocolate brown eyes that frequently cause you to lose your train of thought. Your eyes drift down to the keys again, feeling a soft blush creep over your cheeks.

"That music sounds beautiful, baby.." he says softly while padding up to you behind the piano. He places his large hands on your shoulders, sweeping them down over both your arms before settling on your hands, still resting over the black and white keys. You look over your shoulder and he leans in, closing his eyes as he presses a gentle kiss to your lips. Just like that scene in Narcos… you think. Yikes, I really am obsessed… anyway… you think back to your daydream…

He sits down at the chair next to your piano bench, kissing your lips again gently, then the corner of your mouth, your cheek, and your jaw. Your stomach gives a wave of butterflies and you lean in more to kiss him deeper, tugging on his hair while his hands find the small of your back, gently running his palms up your spine. A chill overcomes you and he-

~Beep beep. Beep beep. Beep beep.~

Fuck. You snap out of your fantasy and turn off the alarm you set to go off ten minutes before the interview. At least I gave myself time to use the restroom and wash my face, you think, hoping to clear your head a bit now that you're slightly frazzled.

Unfortunately the feeling that replaced it was nerves as you sat down at your desk, typing into your keyboard, turning on your mic, and hoping that Skipper doesn't throw a fit over the wind or something while you're on this call.

Jazz: "Hi there listeners! We're joined by the artist of the moment, our favorite lovesick lady, the singer responsible for "Imaginary Love!"

Both women on the other end of the call applaud.

Well… not sure I like being called a lovesick lady but what else did I expect, really?

You: "Thank you guys for having me, I appreciate you wanting to get to know me better."

Despite the rough start, the ladies turned out to be really respectful and fun. You think that if the circumstances were different, you could actually be friends with them. You discuss casual things like your dog, your favorite activities and favorite pop culture topics (careful to avoid mentioning Pedro or any other actor that could be perceived as your lyrical subject), and they even mention celebrity crushes they've had growing up.

At the mention of their celebrity crushes, you can feel the interview funnel into a dangerous alley with little to no escape. Jazz was the first to broach the subject. "So… we've just discussed our celebrity crushes, and I think I speak for all of us here when I say we're all very curious to know who-"

-an air horn blares-

What the hell is that? You wonder, both thankful for the interruption, yet startled by the disruption.

They both chime in: "Viewers!!! Do you all know what that sound is!?! We have reached 1 million listeners!!!!"

To say you were astounded is an understatement.

You: "You're kidding!? 1 million people are listening to us right now?"

Ally: "You bet they are! And listeners… I don't know about you guys… but I can't help but wonder if our celebrity heartthrob is one of those million?"

They turn their attention to you again. "What do you think? Think he's listening?"

You're thankful for the lack of a camera, because you can't help but blush at the thought. You'd be lying if you hadn't already considered (hoped) that he was listening too.

Jazz: "So as we were saying… I think we all are in agreement that we want to know who he is. You sound like a nice enough girl, so what's holding you back? You've made it. You can contact him now and he'll probably reply."

I already have… you thought with a smirk.

Jazz continues: "Which brings me to the next point... I know you've had a lot of attention lately. You were signed to a record company, you were contacted by us, you've been mentioned by a few talk shows and celebrities. Pedro Pascal even publicly defended you. The radio has been playing your song nonstop and people can't get enough. What do you think of all this attention?"

You: "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit surprised and maybe a little scared," you answered with a nervous laugh. "But I am so thankful for the kind words that I receive and I love hearing from people who can relate to my music."

Ally: "You've certainly received your fair share of criticism too. It sounds like you received that before your song was ever published as well."

You: "I have, and it's been challenging to try and not let it get me down. But I'm trying my best, and the positives seem to be greatly outweighing the negatives," you state, your mind thinking of Pedro and how his messages were really the only positive you needed to get you through the dark storm of criticism.

Ally: "I guess what I'm wondering is.. among all these people contacting you.. has he?"

You try to play dumb: "Has who?"

Both interviewers laugh before Ally continues. "Nice try. You know who we're trying to find out about. Has he, the man of your dreams and star of your lyrics, contacted you at all? Will we see a romance blooming?"

Your stomach flipped. You were not expecting this question. Should you tell the truth??? It's not like they could know who has contacted you, short of hacking your account. You have had a lot of people contact you, after all.

You take a deep breath before answering. "I uh… I have received a lot of messages, some of them from celebrities."

They reply, and you can practically feel them leaning in. "Yeeeeaaaah?????"

You consider your next move, your heart really working overtime since this whole thing started. Finally you decide your answer.

"Yes. We've talked."

Looking for Track 1? Read it here!

Next chapter: Here!

~Thanks for reading! Stay ~tuned~ for more!

Taglist: Let me know if you want in :)

@pedrotonin @starcrossed02

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal x you #pedro pascal x reader #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal smut #pedro pascal x afab!reader #pedro pascal x y/n #pedro pascal x musician!reader #pedro pascal fluff #pedro pascal x plus sized! reader #pedro pascal fic #A! wrote a fic #rpf #pedro pascal rpf #key to your heart

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sirgogington · 2 months

Text

My Word Vomit Response on the Shelby Situation

Main Situation: Last week Wilbur Soot from Lovejoy was accused of having been abusive towards his ex girlfriend Shelby. Shelby is a live streamer and last week she did a livestream about the signs of knowing if you are in an abusive relationship. She never stated his name, but from details given people started assuming it was about Wilbur Soot. A few days later Wilbur confirmed that it was him in an apology tweet on his Twitter account. The abuse had to do with painful biting, and manipulation.

I want to start off by saying I do believe Shelby's story. I don't think Wilbur is innocent, but I do believe this situation isn't as black and white as people are claiming it to be.

Former fans after hearing the story started unfollowing Wilbur and Lovejoy and saying what a terrible man that Wilbur is, and vowing to never listen to or view any of his content ever again. He's not just a terrible man, he has to be evil too. I may be optimistic but I do think most people can change for the better if they truly want to. There are exceptions, but I truly believe that Wilbur can. The internet wants to just label him as evil and not give him any room to do that. The new thing is "guilty until proven innocent" and that's super harmful as I will go into in a different post. The way people are spreading hate in a us/them mentality is not a mature way of viewing/handling this situation and does more harm than good. Especially when it comes to death threats and doxing which have been received by both sides.

Wilbur is someone who had a hard upbringing, and has brought up at different times his struggles with mental health. On screen or on stage you would never know this about him, because he has this mask of being confident, well spoken, and joyful. Through these details Wilbur has shared we know that touring took a lot out of him mentally and put him in a bad place, but that he was seeking therapy and is probably currently still seeing a therapist to try and get better. He's shared in the past that when he first blew up on the internet he used alcohol to cope because of how overwhelming it was that so many people were consuming his content. From Shelby's stream we also learned that his living space was dirty and unhygienic and that he would make excuses for it. The details for me paint the picture of a guy struggling badly with mental illness and having a hard time caring for himself and his home. Someone who can hardly take care of themselves should not have been in a relationship. This puts a lot on the other person. It's different if he were stable and then then his mental health crashed in the middle of a longer relationship, but not if your too mentally ill to begin with. I do deeply feel sorry that Shelby had to experience that, as it truly shouldn't have happened.

I went to school for psychology and know quite a bit about different types of mental illnesses. I am by no means diagnosing Wilbur, but I do think he shows signs of someone with Boderline Personality Disorder. Borderline Personality Disorder is an emotional disregulation disorder characterized by unstable mood, behavior, and relationships. People with BPD self sabotage and will frequently end up pushing people away because they don't think they're good enough for them. (In this case maybe he wanted to act so bad so she would leave him, which is very unhealthy). People with BPD also go through depressive episodes and can act impulsively. Without therapy it is extremely hard to cope with this condition but with therapy you can make great strides in changing. I think like most mental illnesses you are aware of the fact you don't like the way you're acting you just have a hard time controlling it. For instance for me growing up with anxiety I knew most of my fears were completely irrational but that didn't stop them from overtaking my life and still feeling anxious. Wilbur has written some really deep lyrics on his new solo album Mammalian Sighing Reflex and I feel like it reflects that he doesn't like the way he is and feels guilty about those he's harmed through it. Maybe I'm giving this man too much credit, but like I said I do believe most people are capable of changing for the better.

Shelby stated she did the livestream as a way to help protect other victims of domestic violence and Wilbur Soot himself. He might still be dangerous to the public, it's really hard to know. I know after my own situation with being manipulated I was worried about the guy going after other younger women like he had with me. I didn't want anyone else have to be in that situation so I understand where Shelby is coming from. I also know that if the guy in my life had ever posted an apology, no matter how good it was, that I still wouldn't believe him and have a hard time forgiving him. Bold take but I think his apology was at least decent. Could it have been better, yeah, but could it have been a lot worse, also yes. In his apology he admits to being the person Shelby was talking about. He states that her feelings are valid, and that he wants people to hold him to higher accountability, and that he was sorry for any hurt he caused. Maybe he isnt, but it's hard to know. Wilbur stated in a livestream from last October 2023 that he was going to therapy the next day, because of this we can assume that Wilbur has been going to therapy at minimum since October. In that same livestream he states that he showers once a day when he's in his "big sad", and that he has rented places all over Brighton. He is at least hygienic in this regard, maybe moreso than he was before. It could be a red flag that Wilbur has lived all over Brighton due to possible evictions whether that be negligence or noise complaints from doing livestreams.

We'll never know how other content creators truly feel about him except for the ones that made it obvious. Of course most content creators are going to jump on the bandwagon and agree that he's an evil man. If they don't then they'll lose their platform because of all the hate they'd get. I do believe some content creators will still hang out with Wilbur secretly or still even remain his friend. But we'll never know.

For the people who are posting different video evidences of Wilbur supposedly showing signs of being abusive in the past this is what is called confirmation bias. If you believe someone is abusive suddenly you can find details in the littlest things to confirm your thought process. A lot of the clips I've been seeing have been of normal everyday behavior or confirmed bits. I've seen people say that Wilbur must have bit down really hard to leave bruises. In some cases people bruise more easily than others. I know I have random bruises on my body from nothing. We can tell that what Wilbur did however was pretty painful due to have to use a safe word. Getting bitten usually hurts. I've been bitten by a 5 year old at work and can't imagine how it would feel to be bitten by a grown man who intentionally bit down hard.

This could be confirmation bias as well, but when looking at the lyrics in Mammalian Sighing Reflex and at the album art it seems to tell the story of a man (Wilbur) who really messed up in a relationship and is feeling the pain from that, and has a lot of regret due to knowing he was the cause of her pain. He poured so much of himself into the album it's like he's bleeding out in front of the audience with the amount of vulnerability.

Analyzing lyrics because why not, using lyrics from "Mammalian Sighing Reflex"

"I get so drunk I can barely see." If this album is related to his relationship with Shelby, which I think it probably is, then maybe he tried to cope with the relationship failing by using alcohol, or sabotaged the relationship through drinking.

"A lot of friends have left my life, escaping my tractor beam of woe" Having a mental illness can make it hard to maintain friendships. This could be because it makes you so self-focused on your problems, or that people get tired of hearing about your problems. If you constantly talk about how sad you are, some people are going to have a hard time dealing with that, or get burnt out from having to keep on cheering you up.

"Fuck my life, you cared when I was sick, no one ever gave a shit.....you fought this war one-sided and asked me what am I doing this for." These lyrics seem to speak about how in a past relationship (probably meaning with Shelby), that she cared that he was mentally ill/in a low point and wanted to help him get better. The fight to help him get better was one-sided due to Wilbur not helping to get himself better. If he would have helped her then they "could of stitched my mind together."

"Never been the one for romance, never thought that I'd get married. Never been the kind to give a shared life a second glance, selfish prose." In Shelby's livestream she talked about how her and Wilbur talked about the possibility of getting married and having kids until he backtracked and said that he wasn't that way and changed his mind.

The song "I Don't Think It Will Ever End" is how his mind seems to work in cycles. He'll be sad, because he feels sad he hides away for a bit, but then he feels silly for hiding himself so he forces himself to interact with people. But then when forcing himself to interact again he feels sad, which he says is not a good feeling when you're supposedly in a good phase. He says as self-sabotage he gets silly. Wilbur is known for telling a lot of jokes, and maybe this is a way he masks his true feelings. Also for Mammalian Sighing Reflex it says the songs were written by William Gold (his legal name) and performed by Wilbur Soot (his stage name). Wilbur is who the internet/fans see him as and William Gold is who he really is. Meaning the way we see him online is the extroverted, charismatic, likeable guy we know him as whereas William Gold is introverted, self-sabotaging, nerdy, and a deep thinker.

The internet gives us way too much information. We're constantly bombarded with more and more information. Before the internet and even in the earlier internet days you did not have this. People were not being as closely viewed and known as they are now. You have to be careful about every little thing you say, because God forbid you say the wrong thing and get canceled. It didn't used to be this way. The only reason you'd ever know anything bad about a celebrity is if they were in the news. I think most of the media we consume whether TV shows, movies, etc. have the potential to have us supporting "bad people". It would be overwhelming to look up every single person we had ever consumed media from and sift through what are lies and what are not about each actor, singer, etc. I get that people don't want to give a platform to people doing bad things, but it's almost impossible to know and to remove every single bad person from the content you consume. Being a celebrity in general is hard. It's easy to become addicted to drugs, and experience toxicity especially celebrities that live in Los Angeles. Most become people they regret, but some change for the better too. I'm not saying people who do serious crimes should get out of jail because they can become better people. People in jail should remain in jail for serious crimes. Time will tell what becomes of him. If more about him is released or if he's able to actually make strides in his health like he said he would. We will wait and see. I really hope he can heal and get better. Even the most unlikely ones can change their lives. You can both support Shubble and hope that Wilbur gets better.

#wilbur soot #lovejoy

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softxsuki · 9 months

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Hello, may I make an URGENT request, please?

Nxx boys with an s/o who isolate themselves when going through a depressive and anxiety induced episode. To the extent that they actively go out of their way to avoid people (including them), they texted them one message about it before leaving them on read) . When they check on the reader, they are super skittish and super anxious about burdening others. S/o insists that they are okay even though they are trembling to the point where they struggle to stand. S/o is anxiously fixating on being "clean" (showering and exfoliating excessively to the point their skin is kinda red, wearing a white oversized shirt ) and being "cold enough" (their place is dark, max ac, fans on max) (they are also just wearing a loose shirt and shorts trying to feel something). In addition, there are red dots on the shirt along the center of their body, indicating fresh self-harm.

(Thank you in advance, and my apologies if It's really specific and it makes you uncomfy)

Tears of Themis Boys Comfort S/O Who Tries To Isolate Themself

TW: Do not read it mentions of blood and self harm, along with poor mental state will make you feel worse, rather than comfort you!

Pairings: Luke x Gn!Reader, Marius x Gn!Reader, Artem x Gn!Reader, Vyn x Gn!Reader

Warnings: mentions of self-harm, fresh cuts, blood, depression, anxiety, poor mental state in general, isolation, feeling like a burden

Genre: comfort

Post-Type: headcanons

Word Count: 3.4k

Summary: In which you find yourself going through episodes of depression and anxiety so you try to isolate yourself from the boys

[A/N: Hello! Firstly, I'm sorry that this was as soon as I could write and post this urgent request for you, but I thank you for being patient and understanding! I tried my best to include as many details as you mentioned, but I did end up leaving some out. As we can see I went a little overboard, but I hope this helps you out <3. Hope you enjoy! Depression and anxiety are so horrible to deal with, trust me I have a few episodes as well, they come so suddenly and they definitely hit hard. Reach out if you ever need to, I'm here if you need anything! <3]

Luke:

As your childhood friend, Luke notices that something is wrong the minute you begin to isolate yourself from him

You guys always hangout together, whether it be him walking you home from work, or grabbing a quick lunch together between your busy schedules, both of you always made time for each other

So when you began messaging him that you couldn’t get lunch or see him, red alerts went off in his head immediately

He just wants to make sure it’s nothing serious and wants you to know that he’s there for you if you need him, so he sends you a quick text

You do respond, but your message is short and cryptic; however, after that, all his other messages get left on read

He acknowledges that you clearly need space, so he gives it to you, sending a check-in message to you every few hours as he continues his work for the day

By the end of the day with still no response from you, he decides enough is enough, so he races over to your place

He doesn’t want to be a nuisance and seem overbearing, but he was very worried now, this had never happened before since the two of you began dating

Arriving at your home, your door is surprisingly unlocked so he lets himself in, making a mental note to remind you to not leave your door unlocked when you are home alone…

But he’s met with pure darkness in your home along with a freezing breeze

He enters your room to find you on your bed in only a t-shirt and shorts to cover you from how cold is was in there

He does internally freak out for a moment and thinks the worst–probably stares at you for a while, holding his breath, until he sees your chest rise, indicating you were indeed alive, and only then is he able to breathe again

“MC,” he calls out in a whisper, not wanting to alarm you from his sudden presence as you lie on your bed with your eyes closed in the darkness

It does spook you a bit, but you could recognize his voice anywhere as you open your eyes and question why he was there, in which he quickly scolds you for keeping your door unlocked but sighs as he sits beside you on the bed

“What’s going on?” He asks.

“Nothing, I’m fine” you say quickly

Did you really think he’d believe that? He’s a detective for crying out loud, he could spot a lie a mile away, especially when it came from you, someone he knew for so long now

As his eyes get accustomed to the dark, he notices a dark stain on your shirt and leans forward to turn your bedside lamp on–and then it becomes very clear what was going on…that was blood

“Spill, I’m all ears”

You know he means business, and you can’t exactly hide the blood from your self-harm on your shirt either, so you let it all out; how low you’ve been feeling lately, and how you got a wave of depression and anxiety out of nowhere, hence your distance from him

“I just didn’t want to burden you with all these complicated feelings that not even I can handle. You’re busy with your own work and I don’t want to distract you from that…but I’m sorry for ignoring your messages. I did read them all and I appreciate your support and allowing me some space,” you sigh, feeling bad that he ended up in this mess anyway

“You’re not a burden to me, MC. You’re my lover and my childhood friend, we have a bond unlike any other. You don’t have to pretend to be okay around me. You’ve always been there for me on my rough days, so it would be an honor to do the same for you…I love you…a lot. I hope you know that I’ll always be here for you. The second you need me, I’d drop everything to hear you out and help you through it,” Luke expresses and he reaches out to hold your hand, pulling you into his arms

And just like that you felt a little less lonely through your feelings, you could get through this

After giving you some privacy to clean up your fresh cuts, Luke spends the night with you as he feels a bit nervous leaving you alone. He’d make you some hot chocolate or any kind of drink that you’d like to warm you up as he turns the fans off and lowers the ac, throwing a blanket on you

You wanted to feel something? Well enjoy the warmth this man provides you with as he joins you under the blanket and gets lost in conversation with you for the rest of the night until you both fall asleep

Marius:

Ahh yes Marius–this man is clingy and obsessive (in a good way) so the second you leave him on read along with only telling him through text that you ‘need some space’ he’s already at your front door, knocking on it

“MC! Honey, it’s me, please let me in,” He pleads loudly. (rip to the neighbors because he’d stand there all night until you decide to let him in)

Knowing how persistent he was, you force yourself up to unlock the door before plopping back down on your sofa, allowing him to let himself in

Thankfully Marius hears your lock click and opens the door himself, but he’s a little taken aback by the darkness in your home along with how freezing it was in there

He flicks on the light by the front door, which makes you flinch from the sudden brightness, and you find him running over to your side to embrace you as soon as he sees you’re only in a t-shirt and shorts in this freezing home

Your skin is as cold as ice as he tries his best to warm you up

“What’s going on? Why is it so cold in here and why did you leave me on read?” He pouts, not letting go of you

You do push him away slightly though despite how comforting and warm it was in his arms

“Nothing, I’m fine. I like the cold”

He squints his eyes at you, knowing you were lying because you weren’t looking into his eyes

Marius inspects your condition one for time, and that’s when he notices the faint dark stains on your shirt–blood, it had to be, unless you were painting with red paint somewhere in your home, but that seemed highly unlikely

“Please let me in,” he says in a softer tone, going a little more serious

This pulls at your heart strings, Marius never got serious unless it came to his father’s company or when danger was around, but you clearly weren’t okay and that made him worry, so you decide to just open up to him

You tell him about your feelings, how you’ve been feeling really anxious and sad lately, and you also explain how you blocked him out because you didn’t want to be a burden to him

“If anyone’s a burden, it’s probably me, beautiful,” he sighs in relief, happy that he finally knows what’s been going on. “Of course filling my fathers place as CEO is a little stressful, but darling, time spent with you is my only time to be myself and to truly relax, even if that means hearing your worries and feelings. It’s my job as your boyfriend to protect you and keep you safe, but I’m failing at my job if you don’t let me in…”

He pulls you into his embrace as tears start to fall from your eyes

“Please let me be your shoulder to cry on, let me be the one who helps you feel alive, who helps you feel something. I’m your person, the one you’ll never feel alone with, just say the word and I’ll take all those burdens off your shoulders”

Slight relief fills you at his words…you really weren’t alone. These feelings didn’t have to feel as overwhelming as they did

After more hugs and a few kisses, Marius makes it his responsibility to clean your cuts up and press kisses to each of them

Afterwards, he’d order some takeout that you like as he offers you professional help if you thought you needed it (he wouldn’t force you, but he wants you to know that there are options and that was one of them) as someone big in the industry, he had many connections and he could find you the best psychiatrist in Stellis with the snap of a finger

But whatever choice you decide to make, just know that he’d support you through it all no matter what

Artem:

Intellectual Artem has a more direct approach to helping you out

He doesn’t pick up on you isolating yourself from him that quickly, because he’s always swamped with work, and you usually give him his space anyway when he’s busy

But one weekend when he had the day off and you didn’t reach out to him first, he was a little…sad? Disappointed? Something like that

He becomes worried and messages you but you only tell him you’re fine

Every message he sends after that gets left on read, so he then catches on that you are very clearly not fine

“You can be honest with me, MC. We’re lovers…I just want to be there for you. Please message me when you get the chance,” he messages you

Artem wanted to give you your space, but he was worried. Did he do something to you without even realizing that he upset you? Were you really okay? So his plan of giving you the weekend to yourself goes down the drain as he finds himself at your front door with some homemade food he cooked at his own home and packed for the two of you to enjoy

He knocks softly at your door and clears his throat, “It’s me, Artem” he announces himself, feeling a little awkward…what if he was just overreacting? He was still pretty new to the whole dating scene after all

However, as your disheveled self peeks through the slightly open door, he knows his fears weren’t for nothing

You don’t even get a chance to speak before he’s already opening the door fully and stepping into your home

The darkness of your home along with the freezing temperature hits him like a truck as he turns back to look at you, with furrowed brows…what exactly was going on?

The light from outside illuminates just bright enough where he can see what you’re wearing, a t-shirt and some shorts. You must’ve been freezing

Needing to change the environment around you both, he places the food down and helps you close the front door, opening up the blinds to let in some natural light along the way

Seeing one of your candles nearby, he lights one up and guides you to the couch where he places a blanket over you

He’s quietly studying you, trying to piece everything together, but this is a case he can’t entirely solve on his own

“MC…” he says, not really knowing where to start. “Is everything okay?”

Clearly everything was in fact not okay, and he did notice the blood stains on your shirt, but he decides to keep his observations to himself, you’d tell him if you wanted to

“I’m great. How are you? What brings you here?” You feign interest, you weren’t in the right headspace to have casual conversation

“I know you’re probably holding back and pretending to be okay because you think you’d be a burden to me. Trust me MC, I know how to read you well, you’re my partner after all. I’d be foolish to believe those lies. It’s okay though, I won’t push you to tell me, but just know that you aren’t a burden. You’re the only one I’ve let into my life and I just want to make sure you’re happy. As your man, it’s my job to make sure you’re doing well, and it seems like I dropped the ball, so for that I am truly sorry.”

Not wanting Artem to blame himself anymore, you decide to just tell him everything that’s been going on, from everything you’ve been feeling, and why you’ve been avoiding him, as well as informing him that you self-harmed

It wasn’t like you didn’t trust him, you did, you were just scared to lose him or have him not want to deal with the baggage you carried

Your body began to shake as you explained everything and Artem quietly listened to each word, scooting closer to you as you spoke, so he could hold you, in an attempt to calm your nerves and ease your shakes

“I see…I’m sorry for not noticing sooner. Though work takes up a lot of my time, you’ll always be my number one priority. I’ll do better. I promise,” he sighs, holding you tighter to him as if you’d disappear from his grasp

Even if you reassure him that it isn’t his fault, Artem takes this very seriously and would work more on checking in on you throughout his day, no matter how busy he is

“I know you’re going through a tough time right now. I’m not sure how I can be truly helpful other than just giving you my support, but we can look for a professional's help as well if that's something you’d like to do…” He brings one of your hands up to his lips and leaves a lingering kiss to your skin, “You’re not alone, never. It’s okay to reach out for help when you need it. You can reach out to me anytime, even if you just need to hear my voice. I’ll always make time for you MC, I love you. I promise we’ll get through this together”

After everything, and once you’re a lot calmer, he’d put on a movie for you both to watch as you eat the food he brought, making a mental note to check out your wounds later on, but for now he’d try to keep things bright and hopefully distract you, even if it was just momentarily

He does take a few days off of work so he can stay by your side and give you the support you need as you decide what step you want to take next

Vyn:

Nothing slides by Vyn, this is his specialty after all

You and Vyn frequently got together to drink tea and just talk about life or go on walks at a nearby park, Vyn always made time for you at the end of his day after seeing patients all day

So when you text him to cancel your plans one evening, he already knows something is up

“Something came up, I can’t go out this week. I’ll text you when I can,” you message him

“I am coming over,” he responds immediately, pulling his things together as he heads to you

Though he does have a spare key to your place, he doesn’t use it, knowing that suddenly invading your space, especially when something was obviously going on with you, wouldn’t be a great idea

“Darling, mind letting me in? I would like to speak with you if that is alright,” he speaks calmly through the door, knowing you were probably expecting him and listening on the other side somewhere

It takes a while. It’s silent, which worries Vyn as he debates whether he should just let himself in, but his worries vanish as soon as he hears your lock click open and the door slowly creaks as you open it

“My love,” Vyn whispers, eyeing the darkness behind you as a chill hits his face from the open door, but he keeps a smile on his face, needing to remain calm and not act shocked or alarmed which could potentially scare you off or have you close your heart to him, “Can I come in?”

You nod softly and open your door wider so he can come in, you were expecting him anyway since he said he’d be over soon

Vyn is still in his doctor coat which he slings over your shoulders, noticing you’re only wearing shorts and a t-shirt when you had the ac on blast. It was freezing in your home

He turns on a small lamp, not wanting to blind you with the bright light of the room, but needing to change the feel of your home subtly

Taking a seat on your couch, he pats the spot beside him, eyeing your bloody shirt until you’re seated

“May I?” he asks, gesturing to your shirt and whether he could see the damage you made. You knew there was no hiding things from Vyn. He was used to this and probably already knew what was going on, so you hesitantly nod, sighing in defeat as you begin to shake

You were scared of what he’d say or think about you after seeing your fresh cuts…

Vyn gently lifts your shirt and takes in the sight of your cuts with a neutral expression, then walks away to get some supplies to bandage you up so they don’t get infected

When he returns with a first aid kit, he quietly and softly cleans you up before speaking again

“I am all ears if you would like to say what led you to do this? And before you say it, no you are not a burden, no I am not upset, and no I do not hate you, darling. I am still very much in love with you despite how much it pains me to see you hurt yourself like this. I would just like to understand from your perspective if you would let me in,” he smiles softly, ready to hear you out

And as if he had some kind of magic pull on you, you find yourself revealing everything to him, from the complicated emotions and episodes you’ve gone through for the past few days, to how it all led to you eventually harming yourself, so you could feel something for once…something other than your depression and anxiety

He understood now, from your isolation, to the state of your home, and your desire to feel something, hence why it was so cold in your home and why you were wearing shorts despite how cold it was. All the pieces started to come together in his head

Vyn takes your hand in his now that he finished treating your cuts, he laces your fingers together as he speaks, “I first want you to know that what you are feeling is normal. It happens to a lot of people who are not aware of how to properly cope with these intense feelings. Depression and anxiety are more common than you think, but perhaps taking matters into your own hands caused you to feel worse?”

“Perhaps,” you nod, agreeing with his words. This was something you always tried to deal with on your own, which is why you tried to isolate yourself in the first place, you didn’t want to drag anyone else into your problems, you felt this was your own burden to carry

“Now…speaking not as a psychiatrist, but as your boyfriend, I want to say I care about you more than anything in this world. You are the light of my life, the one and only person I look forward to seeing everyday, so please do not lock me out of your heart, darling. It is my actual job and my duty as your lover to ensure you are okay. But you can count on me to help you through this if you would allow it”

Whether you take his help or not, he’d still show you his love and support for whatever decision you make

After a few hugs and more chatting, Vyn would make you some tea to calm you down

He’d squeeze you into his business day if you choose to seek counseling with him…after all he’s the only person he’d trust to truly help you through this

Through the good and the bad, Vyn will always remain by your side and hear you out, even with your smallest issues

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 7/18/2023

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