#just like how trans men will never be cis and we will never benefit from that privilege

[aroacedavestrider]

Trans women talking about misogyny doesn’t mean they hate trans men, cry harder to ur terf friends

good job dipshit youve successfully demonstrated to the class what the strawman fallacy is. how is it that youre able to recognize that trans women talking about transmisogyny isnt an attack on trans men but not vice versa

you really gotta be plugging your ears and ignoring the shit out of trans men if you think that anybody with a brain is arguing what youre accusing us of lmao. which lemme check my Transandromisia List, oh shit

talking over us, erasure of our experiences, purposeful misconstruing to make us out as the Bad Guys (thats you!)

calling us terfs and grouping us in with actual dangerous oppressors (also you!)

othering us in some us vs. them type bullshit (you did that!)

dogg i dunno how to tell you this but youre an s-tier example of why trans men are fed up to the point where theres a brand sparkly new movement that pisses you off. maybe youre pressed cause were trying to dismantle the oppression olympics and you think youre winning. too bad sunshine, nobodys a fucking winner when it comes to any flavor of transphobia. pull your head out of your terminally online ass and go interact with somebody. go think about why trans men discussing their struggles is such a fucking issue for you

#and while youre at it shut the fuck up #you probably would have been an aspec exclusionist in 2018 lmao #or someone who insisted that bi people have no place in the lg*b*t+ community cause they can pass as straight and have straight privilege #ill give you a hint. bi people are not straight and will never have straight privilege #just like how trans men will never be cis and we will never benefit from that privilege #youre a class a discourse slurping shit stirrer and nobody irl and / or over the age of 25 will ever take you seriously #additionally wow thats crazy if im a terf. i didnt know terfs cared so much about trans men (sarcasm.) #wow i had no idea we were on the same side and we all respected each others identities (they want us dead.) #thats nuts that terfs are advocating for trans men (they call us traitors.) #clearly the terfses and the transmascses are best friends and are conspiring against the transfemses (they want to eliminate *all* of us.) #youre a fucking idiot. dont even stay mad. just shut up #delete later #transphobia #transandromisia #transandrophobia

[katyspersonal]

I don't understand how there are people still supporting your content after it's clear you are an emotionally unstable narcissist. I swear some people care about their dumb fandoms more than common human decency.

First - I refuse to let my lore posts, drawings and theories be called 'content'. I protest. It is a very soulless term that reduces creativity (the very expression of the soul, mind you!) to some sort of shallow and more importantly, replaceable good. "Why you consume the content from this PROBLEMATIC :( person" in the same vein as "Why you buy your car fuel from an unethical corporation" is absolutely absurd in any way, because creations are not physical goods but something unique.

Second, you seem to be confused on what the fandom entails.

Being a fan of something, in fact, doesn't... really entail all that much? Being a fan of something doesn't, and will NEVER mean that you subscribe to certain cultural, religious, political or humanity values or opinions, it will NEVER be only for the ones the loudest people in the crowd deemed "right" and "pure" enough, and certainly it will NEVER be only for people with clear history *cough cough* or people of "proper" mental state *COUGH cough*.

The only, and only, and only, and ONLY "requirement" for being a Bloodborne fan is - to care about Bloodborne. Ironically, this is something people I tend to become antagonists with often fail at, as there is a difference between 'Bloodborne fan' and 'Mariadeline fan that knows nothing about BB lore and holds only interests in how to shame men more and what kind of fans to declare "problematic"' *COUGH COUGH* god sorry guys, got a bad cough attack during this ask fhdhgfds

But, again, I think we the people that obsess with this or that media came to the conclusion that gatekeeping leads to another extreme - the whole thing with shaming artists that draw something not accurate, and think something not 100% correct to the canon is 'dirtying' the canon. You know, the whole 'oh you are fan of X band? name 40 songs' thing. So I think gatekeeping should be avoided unless someone appears who is both completely uneducated about lore AND tries to set their own rules.

*COOOOOUGH COOOOOUGH*

But, yeah. Your confusion is likely caused by the fact that people who like Bloodborne... love to read about Bloodborne, and not about what user should be blacklisted and what character is this or that identity and what this or that character is "problematic" etc. I object the idea that certain game/movie/book/etc is only for "right" kind of people and I think we as society at this rate are capable of separating interaction with the fictional universe and personality/personal lives.

#ask replies #personal #disco horse #/negative #i think my line of thought started with cringe statements YEARS ago such as the stuff like uhhhhh... #like people being like 'hey CIS MEN stephen universe is for women and trans men and nb folks we take it back!!!' #i then thought 'wow bitches really think enjoying a fictional thing is only for certain type of people????' #but by now it seems to have came the full circle #that said i welcome everyone in this fandom who likes bloodborne #because art is supposed to unite people not divide them #and certainly no game or movie or book is ONLY for 'certain' type of people #art is supposed to have default capacity of reaching everyone despite everything. #yooo you remember how j k rowling claimed ppl who still love hp support her ideals? NEVER do that shit folks #granted there is grey area of people not wanting to get money from people that are on polar different side of politic/humanity compass #which is valid? but i'd appreciate it if that wasn't forced onto people who do NOT benefit anything and just want to enjoy stuff #also emotional stuff is somewhat absurd tbh #i am making conscious effort ever since sp*de blocked me without explaining why to hold people at far emotional distance #so they do not have to be exposed to possibly questionable emotional stuff they don't know how to address #like... i do not in fact cling to people nor i make friends anymore unless they are PROVEN to be as chaotic as me #but again for some people bad once = bad forever and I don't play that game anymore lol

[doberbutts]

The problem with the concept that there are trans men who don’t have male privilege is that it seems to imply that there are trans women who DO have it, which is a concept that is widely agreed to be unequivocally transmisogynistic. Any rebuttal for this?

My rebuttal is; I know trans women who have lived in my house and sat on my couch and watched movies and played videogames with me who have told me to my face that they did receive male privilege on a similar incredibly conditional, individual, and situational basis similar to how I am describing for trans men, how it relied on the closet and total stealth, and very aware they had to be of the line they were toeing, and how much worse they are treated now that they are out and transitioning, and how afraid they are to say it because of rabid people online who are looking for any excuse whatsoever to hurt them when they deal with that enough in their everyday lives.

I am forever reminded of this older interview (mid-90s early 2000s I think) of transgender Japanese citizens and this one person who was probably what we would call a trans woman. And, like my butch friend, was trapped in a situation in which there was absolutely zero room to breathe. They were amab, married to a woman with multiple children, working as a businessman to support the family. They said how they always felt like a woman on the inside, and how they knew that could never be a reality for them, so they didn't see much point in pursuing anything because it would break their family apart. The only thing they could do was make various cute needlework girly things during their daily commute to and from work. They had some cover story for their wife that they were buying them from a shop for their daughters or something.

Do you think that this person, who is perceived by everyone around them to be a cis man for several decades, does not benefit from male privilege in any way despite probably not actually being a man? Do you understand what I'm talking about when I say that this is a topic that needs to be discussed with far more delicacy and nuance than "man privilege woman not privilege"?

Do you think that all of the accounts of trans women out there saying "when I came out and started identifying as and passing for a woman, people suddenly started treating me much worse" and "I frequently have to boymode because otherwise my life is too dangerous" aren't discussions of exactly what I'm talking about?

Privilege is a tricky, complicated thing. It's also something bigoted society bestows upon you, and not a moral critique of your own existence. TERFs and MRAs both have poisoned the well, but that's not a reason to completely disregard the much-needed grace that has to be had during these conversations.

Personally I think any trans person's experience with "male privilege" is shakey at best and entirely contingent on a wide number of factors that you can't just point at their gender and say yes or no. I think it's way more complicated than that. And I don't think anyone is lesser for having or not having it, either. Gender is a morally neutral thing. Gender presentation is a morally neutral thing. It is okay to exist. It's okay to have a complicated existence.

[genderkoolaid]

okay. I feel like I explain this every time I talk about men's issues but I just saw some more bad takes on transandrophobia so I'm going to go over exactly my thoughts on men & gendered oppression.

My argument is no "men, as a class, are oppressed exactly like women as a class, and all of society is always against masculinity & therefore any proof of society valuing masculinity/men over femininity/women disproves my point." My arguments are:

A fundamental part of patriarchal masculinity is competition and threats/fear. Yes, cis men are The Best, but the patriarchy does not give unconditional love and support to everyone perceived as a cis man. Creating a strict definition of what a man is keeps people in a state of fear that makes them easy to control. bell hooks talks about this beautifully in The Will to Change: "When we love maleness, we extend our love whether males are performing or not. Performance is different from simply being. In patriarchal culture males are not allowed simply to be who they are and to glory in their unique identity. Their value is always determined by what they do. In an antipatriarchal culture males do not have to prove their value and worth. They know from birth that simply being gives them value, the right to be cherished and loved." Men cannot be unconditionally comfortable without proving that they have worth via fulfillment of patriarchal standards- which are intertwined with capitalistic standards, because patriarchy & other social systems cannot be separated for anyone. This does not mean that men receive no benefits from the patriarchy- the way the patriarchy negatively affects men does not need to be a mirror of how it affects women in order to be real. I frankly don't care if this counts as oppression or not; its a part of the patriarchy and it hurts people, especially...

Marginalized men & marginalized perceived-men. We cannot act like marginalized women experience the intersection of gender and [x], but marginalized men have their gender completely ignored. It's just not accurate. This does not mean they never benefit from being perceived as men, either, or that they cannot contribute to misogyny. But marginalized men's gender absolutely plays a role in how they are perceived and treated. Testosterone can be seen as a positive for cis men while trans men are seen as hyper-violent "emotional women with male rage," because the patriarchy does not care about hypocrisy, it cares about control. White men can be encouraged to show their anger and be seen as powerful while Black men have their lives destroyed if they do anything but shape all of their emotions around making white people comfortable. There is a consistent trend of portraying marginalized men as having the worst of masculine traits- being ugly, sexually aggressive, uncontrollable monsters- or lacking the proper traits of masculinity- being infertile/failing to be properly sexual, being meek and easily dominated, being effeminate or having female traits- while dominant men are always perfectly balanced and in control of their masculinity.

The point of using "misandry" or "antimasculism" is not "all things male/masculine are treated badly." It's is being able to talk about how masculinity is weaponized against those who do it "wrong." All language is wrong, but some language is useful.

Also, if you want to hear more about the intersection of masculinity/manhood and Blackness, I'd recommend both the videos of F.D Signifier and the work of thotscholar.

#m.

[faggy--butch]

Really confused by your "lesbian trans men" post. The way I think of "lesbian", it's not a term of identity signification, it's a term for a specific type of sexual orientation and relationship.

It doesn't make sense that someone can be a "lesbian trans man" to me, because they are a trans man first, that is their identity. And because of that identity of being male, they are disqualified from being in a lesbian relationship, because a lesbian relationship is specifically female/female.

I'm not a terf, fuck terfs. A trans woman and a cis woman in a relationship are still lesbians. I'm just confused how a trans man can be a lesbian if he's not a woman. If the trans man is attracted to women, wouldn't that make him heterosexual, therefore straight? I'd understand if he was genderfluid, then he would swap back and forth from straight to lesbian depending on which gender he/she is.

The way I look at it, there are two "categories" of being queer. Identity and orientation. Identity comes first, it's what you are. Orientation comes second, it's what you're into. Identity is stuff like being cis, trans, genderfluid, etc. Orientation is stuff like being straight, gay, bi, ace, etc. And in my mind those two categories are completely separate, except where the orientation category depends on the larger identity category, such as "lesbian" being an orientation applicable to women into women, not applicable to men, trans or otherwise.

Please, educate me if I'm completely wrong in thinking about queerness this way, and why.

Well, I think your first mistake was trying to categorize queerness. Queerness by definition defies the boxes that get put on gender and sexuality. That's part of why a lot of people like calling themselves and the community queer, it's all encompassing. I also take issue with sexuality 'only' being an orientation. I certain identify as a lesbian, my sexual identity is just as important to me as my gender identity. I don't just "like girls" which what orientation is. I'm a lesbian, a dyke, it's a part of who i am. it's the way i define myself along with being butch, and to some people their sexual identity can be even more important than their gender one. To some people their gender identity is in fact lesbian.

You have to get it out of your mind that if something doesn't make sense, that it's wrong. It's not for anyone to tell a person what they can or can't identify as, or if they're misgendering themselves or whatever. I mean go to the HER app and you'll figure out quick that there are trans men in lesbian spaces, identifying as lesbians, there always have been.

Trying to fit trans people into the cishetro view of the world is not only never going to work, but it also actively hurts us. It's saying that we HAVE to be like them, we have to emulate our experiences off of the "real" genders and sexualities of white cishet people. that we have to match or we're doing it wrong, that it's not real until we're like them. As a non binary person i reject that entirely. I don't want people to tell me what they think I am, and I'm not going to do it to anyone else. I think everyone would benefit from learning about multigender, multisexual, and the split attraction model, and like talking to intersex people.

#asks #queer

[olderthannetfic]

Re: “So, the world expects women to have and raise kids while men are expected to have little involvement or interest in their kids’ lives (paraphrased)”

Yes, that’s what it’s always been, specifically because men want it to that way. Studies show that women typically raise and socialize their children from infancy, men statistically have little interest in being active fathers, children are usually closer to their maternal relatives, children usually stay with their mothers after divorce or separation for the prior reasons but when men contest custody they usually win. And in cases where men have custody of their children, studies also show the kids are raised by the father’s mother or other female relative. Interestingly, studies also show that men usually only const custody of their kids because of a fear of paying child support.

Maybe it’s because previous anon is a trans man, so he’s had experience being socialized in both binaries, but anon doesn’t have to feel bad about the plight of fathers. They’re perfectly fine with the state of marriage and child rearing because it culturally and socially benefits them more than women. The (cis) men are just fine, don’t worry lol 🤷🏽‍♀️

--

(same anon talking about childrearing, (cis)straight relationships, and the priveleges of men) And of course in a patriarchal society men are encouraged to be husbands but not fathers. Men in relationships, especially marriage, statistically live longer and have more benefits than single men. Women actually receive fewer social benefits from marriage than men (on average). Again, the (cis) men are very happy with this setup. They're fine.

IDK about that. I think plenty of cis men are not fine with the current state of affairs, but they're not always prepared for the practical realities of changing things, both all the little social things they were never taught and the career penalties they'll incur.

It's the same deal as with chores and supporting a partner: a ton of cis men want to be an equal and to make a female partner's life easier. But lacking the experience of just how much fucking work basic household management is, they end up feeling like they're being imposed upon when they're actually doing like 5% of the work, and they feel like they're being asked to be mind readers when they fail to notice things many female partners have been socialized to pick up on instantly.

Yes, my lived experience is that the majority of cis men are selfish dicks who need a boot up the ass, but I don't think the problem is coming from bad intent in most cases. I, a cis woman, was also woefully unprepared to run a household when I first got out of school, and it was entirely from being raised too upper middle class by parents who were too busy to teach me basic adult skills that weren't about career or school. Many guys start even further behind.

I'm not saying we should let deadbeat dads off the hook, but a lot of cis dudes do actually want to participate but don't get how hard it's going to be or how much they're going to have to give up.

[they-them-that]

The Complex Misogyny Enacted by Queer Men

Call outs: James Somerton, Trixie Mattel, Katya, Le'Ron Readus, The Roundtable, Rupaul, Karl Lagerfeld, Dolce and Gabana

With the James Somerton scandal, although I only watched some of his videos in passing, it has definitely made me make sure to be more vigilant about the content I consume and how they source.

I also want to address James' misogyny, something that tragically isn't unique to him. The "straight girl" scapegoat many queer men target has bothered me for a long time. They try to frame it in a way that is "punching up" at the privileged but their problem is entirely against them being women. Trixie Mattel has a habit of complaining about "straight" girls that has put me off, especially when her complaints are incredibly presumptuous and small minded. We wouldn't know random women's sexuality yet we choose to assume they're straight so we can openly ridicule them. Even if these women are straight, the problems queer men levy towards them doesn't so much call out any discriminatory behavior as it is shaming women for what they think is "shrill", "annoying", or just for sharing a space with them.

I recall an episode of UNHhhh where Trixie and Katya said how straight people are guests in queer spaces and in the same way, they can be "uninvited". Even though they use a gender neutral term here, we know that the bulk of straight people who attend queer events are women. In the same way that queer spaces are a safe space for gay men, it's also a safe space for women who want to avoid sexual advancements and sexual violence. Gay men overlook women's issues and needs when they find their presence inconvenient despite women posing little threat to them.

I've also seen the way queer men target queer women when they feel like they've been benefiting more than them. James Somerton, La'Ron Readus, and Tom from The Roundtable have all argued how the ratio of wlw representation in media compared to mlm is due to favouritism towards wlw relationships. This is a pure assumption, at the point they made this argument, we never heard of a canon mlm relationship being shot down by TV or movies and the accusers provided no examples of such, just that wlw representation has been making a breakthrough at the time thanks to the vehement pushing of its writers and show creators. It has nothing to do with preferences for wlw relationships as these studios have tried to stop it and still push back against it to "appeal to a broad audience". It just so happens that the queer creatives who have made waves for representation wanted to represent queer femmes, most identifying closely with sapphic experiences. To underestimate the amount of discrimination these queer creators got for getting wlw representation out there by assuming they have some type of privilege over queer CIS men is grossly ignorant. Although mlm representation is important, it's upsetting to see queer men look at wlw representation and respond with jealousy, unknowing of how queerness already centralizes them. RuPaul's Drag Race, for example, was only allowed for CIS men before trans women were recognized as legitimate drag performers, many of the "CIS" contestants turning out to be trans women. Drag kings still have not made any appearances on the show and are still overlooked and undervalued in the Drag community.

Even though queer men cry for their turn when it comes to something like queer representation in the media (even though it exists, they just have a problem with women having more than them), they don't bat an eye in the way queer men dominate places like the fashion industry that heavily discriminate against women (Karl Lagerfeld and Dolce and Gabana being infamously misogynistic). They also wince at gay shipping culture and mlm representation when it's created by women, accusing them of fetishism, something I've been guilty of in the past. Although, there's an understandable desire for mlm content that is also written by queer men and discomfort about women being voyeurs in gay fiction, we're also assuming these women aren't queer themselves or that they even identify as women. Love Simon's author, Becky Albertalli was forced to come out as bisexual after years of scrutiny for being a "straight woman profiting off of queer romance".

"I legitimately didn't realize. I'm thirty-seven years old. I've been happily married to a guy for almost ten years. I have two kids and a cat. I've never kissed a girl. I never even realized I wanted to. But if I rewind further, I'm pretty sure I've had crushes on boys and girls for most of my life. I just didn't realize the girl crushes were crushes."

There is an oversight on how many people divulge in queer fiction in order to explore their sexuality and gender long before they even consider that they could be queer themselves (I know that was my experience). But even with straight women, many of them are actually drawn to gay fiction because it subtracts women from the equation. Female characters are subject to sexist tropes and many of their romances are imbalanced and toxic. Gay fiction has been a way for women to enjoy romance without feeling the weight of patriarchy through femme-presenting characters.

All this to say that misogyny is still fervent in the queer community and queer men do not get a pass on how they talk about and treat women. I noticed that the most privileged of the queer community, that being White CIS gay men, are the ones who act the most entitled in the queer spaces they enter, not the "straight" women they constantly antagonize. Queer men still struggle with what all men struggle with and that's acknowledging their privileges. Even if they swear their problem with women is because of their sexuality, it really ends up coming down to their gender.

#james somerton #trixie and katya #trixie mattel #katya zamolodchikova #rupaul's drag race #karl lagerfeld #dolce & gabbana #mysogyny #feminism #queer issues #lgbtq

[hellyeahscarleteen]

What if I'm a trans woman and I don't have, or yet have, a vulva or breasts? How do I deal with not even having the body parts a partner might expect me to have, or having them look like they do on cisgender women? 

I hope you know already your womanhood is not contingent upon what's between your legs. No one deserves invasive, inappropriate questions about their body parts. It is not okay for people to pry, demanding you "prove" something to them. You never, ever deserve that. You do deserve to be recognized and respected as a woman, because that's who you are. You deserve to be seen and wanted for you, not as a collection of parts.

Deciding how and when to tell potential partners that you're trans is a personal choice. It takes a lot of courage to trust a person in this way given how pervasive transphobia is. If you can be straightforward and direct about your identity from the get-go, you might avoid wasting your time on someone who refuses to accept you or just can't deal. Waiting until you've established the groundwork of trust with a person certainly has some benefits.

But there are also risks involved with disclosing your identity to potential partners, as you know. These risks range from rejection to physical violence. I hate that we live in a world where this must be emphasized, but do be mindful of your safety. If you don't know a person well, you can never be entirely sure of the way they will react. It's not fair, but it is a tragic reality that must be kept in mind.

I've collected a few different articles about dating, relationships, hookups, sex, and body image and how they specifically pertain to trans women that might help you out:

Getting With Girls Like Us: A Radical Guide to Dating Trans* Women for Cis Women is what it says. Even if you don't date women, this is a really great article that might help you articulate some of the trickier, more frustrating stuff about dating.

How Society Shames Men Dating Trans Women and How This Affects Our Lives is an article by activist and writer Janet Mock. When you understand the different ways shame manifests itself, you can begin gathering the resources to take it down. Many of this article's undertones echo those in the piece above, but this one specifically emphasizes relationships with straight cisgender men.

Trans in the Media: Unlearning the 'Trapped' Narrative & Taking Ownership of Our Bodies is another piece by Janet Mock. It has a lot of great stuff about identity, body image, and insecurity specifically as these issues pertain to trans* women.

(Adapted from The Sex Goddess Blues: Building Sexual Confidence, Busting Perfectionism by Samantha Benac)

#trans women #trans femme #trans #lgbtq+ #dating #relationships

[hadeantaiga]

It's reductive to categorise groups of people into "afab" because of how they were born, trans women experience a specific misogyny that's both transphobic and misogynistic, they share a lot of experiences as much as cis women and to insist that biological genitalia is what makes "sex oppression" happen is not only transphobic but proves we as a society, fail to recognise the harm trans women go through, afab and amab are terms that need abolishing, it's doing more harm than good. A trans woman will go through more misogyny than a trans man. That's just facts.

A trans woman will relate to a cis woman more than a cis woman would relate to a trans man, to insist otherwise gives terfs ammo to insist that we're "not biologically women" (afabs) and makes it so there's a language to discriminate, "afab only" spaces, it's bigotry disguised. Trans women ARE biological women, anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

- trans woman from previous anon

It's not reductive to talk about the reality people who are assigned female at birth have to live with every single day.

I am not insisting that genitalia is what "makes sex based oppression happen". That's ridiculous. Misogynists don't hate people who were born with vaginas BECAUSE we have/had vaginas. They hate us because hundreds of years of cultural patriarchy DECIDED people born with vaginas were lesser people. The vagina doesn't cause the sexism, it's just (one of the many ways) society identifies who to hate.

Genitals are a visual marker our society uses to categorize people at birth, and ignoring that this happens is ridiculous.

I actually said in my first response that trans women are very much included in the abuses slung at people assigned female at birth, so I'm not excluding trans women from anti-female sexism. Trans women are very much victims of it!

Yes, I agree, trans women are the targets of a unique form of oppression that comes from an intersection of sexism/misogyny and transphobia. That is 100% true! Transmisogyny is very real!

Sexism is based on hating people assigned female at birth, people assumed to be female, femininity, and things culturally associated with femaleness. And that includes trans women.

Sexism unfolds like a rotting flower from that core. Many people become victims of it.

"A trans woman will go through more misogyny than a trans man".

How can you know? Really? EVERY trans woman? EVERY trans man? Because I fucking guarantee this statement is not universal. There are trans women who have faced less misogyny than me. I didn't start transitioning until I was in my late 30's. I experienced misogyny that whole time. Are you gonna claim I didn't?

And are you so fucking delusional you think that the instant a trans man comes out, he STOPS experiencing misogyny!? NEWSFLASH: that's not what fucking happens. We don't instantly become cis men with all the societal benefits. Many of us never pass. We don't get to stop experiencing misogyny. Fuck off.

Why are you insisting on binaries that opposite each other? Why are you trying to throw trans men under the fucking bus when we're your fucking allies in this shit?

#transandrophobia #transphobia #once again people throwing trans men under the bus #trans men experience misogyny #being a trans man is not a “get out of misogyny free” card

[cock-holliday]

Legitimate question. How are you getting laid? Do people ask you at bars or something

Meeting people is supremely a mixed bag, but I would say my most successful route is a combination of apps and in person, often combining the two. There are plenty of dating apps, sure, Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, okCupid. There are fewer options for hookup apps. If you exist in a gay male scene, Grindr will probably be your best bet. There are also trans women/transfemmes on there, as well as nonbinary folks but it can be tricky to navigate if your gender isn’t specifically male. And even then, trans men often run into issues. For more niche “MLM” apps there’s Scruff and Growlr.

For “WLW” or more sapphic scenes, the best one is Her, (which does accept more than cis women). It’s a lot harder to find platforms for hookups with queer women, but it’s not that the women aren’t out there.

Another good app is Lex. It works like a craigslist ad for queer stuff. Not just sex. Help moving, trying to find friend groups, trying to sell extra tickets last minute. It tended to work best for me to plan to go somewhere, with or without friends and place an ad on Lex saying what I’d be wearing and to come say hi. People did.

I tended to be really chatty and outgoing and so sometimes I would meet people at queer events. Marches and parades and bars and such but we tended to be friends first that way, and then if something sexual came from it then that was the progression of things. Some people were from working groups. We spent long hours working together on projects, and they were bolder than I and made the first move.

I’ve never attempted just cruising. The risks outweighed the potential benefits for me. But there are plenty who do! Bars, clubs, bathrooms, bathhouses, etc. It’s still a thing! But also much more male dominated, in my opinion.

If you are into queer men then you may have more options than queer women spaces and plenty of queer women will lament that it’s difficult to get the same casualness in spaces that gay men do. I would agree. There is also a recurring fear in wlw spaces of being predatory if you make the first move. It is definitely a trans experience (either way as far as I can tell) but it also happens a lot with cis women! So, unfortunate to deal with, but many can relate and you can navigate it together.

I’ve always had better luck in cities than in towns (not zero luck, depending on what you’re after and have access to). And I’m also living in America. So this won’t be solid advice for a lot of people.

Apps allow for more anonymity and allows you to talk at a distance, keeping things casual AND maybe safer to not rush into something you aren’t on board with. In person has more familiarity which can maybe complicate things if you are just looking for casual stuff. Who knows, maybe your local Gay Bingo Group is DTF, maybe your next door neighbor is into you, maybe when you visit a far away city, telegraphing you are looking for no strings will have them come running. You just gotta feel out what works for you.

Wish I had something more concrete to offer. I was always upfront about my identity which invited really cool people who Get It, people out to fetishize and be a creep about people like me, people who are curious, and people who are supremely bigoted and cruel. You gotta see what is safe in your spaces and how comfortable you are being open with your identity, and go from there.

If you know other queers in your area I’d also ask them what works for them!

Good luck anon!

#ask #anon ask

[burningtheroots]

Hey, I'm a cis lesbian and I used to be a radfem. I was sexually harassed by a man during my middle school years and it made me so angry at the world, and thus I started hating all men and thinking they were evil and they should die. Despite the fact I had male relatives and friends who were nothing but kind and supportive and loving to me.

After some therapy and reflection, I realized that I was just taking the easy way out. It's easier to turn your trauma and fear into hatred and anger towards a scapegoat group instead of actually doing the hard work of self reflecting.

Are there evil men? Of course. Is the patriarchy a problem? Definitely. Are there transgender people who are only trans to pray upon others? Inevitable.

But just as there are bad people in every group of people, that doesn't define them. Most trans people I've met know genitalia preference is a thing and respect that. The ones who don't are just full of themselves. Most of them just want to live their life the way they want to live it. In such a short amount of time on this earth, why waste it being hateful to others?

Continue to fight for female-sex rights, that is important. Fight for gay rights, fight for women rights. But all of these can be achieved without fearing or hating all men and transgender people. If anything, that just gets in the way of achieving real change.

Sorry for sending such a long ask. I'm not trying to be rude or mean. It's just, I worry sometimes about the young people in this community because I see myself in it, and how scared and unhappy and angry I was all the time because I refused to actually work through my trauma....and of course, like I said, this is not me saying there aren't things wrong with the world. There are. But not everyone is out to get you, this world is beautiful.

I'm not trying to invalidate in feelings you may have. As women we are dealt the short end of the stick from birth, and it is important we keep fighting. But fight against the real enemies; the lawmakers, the corporations, societal expectations. But "men" and "transgender" as a group as a whole are not your enemies...and using intentionally proactive language like that, it harms your chance of people wanting to listen since you're insulting people based on something as fundamental as their gender or sex. I think all of you could achieve great stuff for women if hating the "other side" wasn't in the equation.

Anyway, sorry again for the length. You might think I'm being ridiculous and this may never change your mind. And that's fine. I just felt sharing my perspective as an ex-radfem may be interesting or helpful, or something.

Hey! I‘m sorry for the late response, I wanted to have enough time to reply throughoutly & was quite busy this week.

First of all, I‘m sorry that this happened to you and I‘m glad that you had support from your family and friends.

However, I think the assumption that radfems, and me in particular, blindly turn their trauma into hatred is incorrect and doesn’t take into account that radical feminism is a feminist theory which analyzes, exposes & fights systemic oppression.

It‘s a fact that every man is complicit in & benefits from misogyny and patriarchy to a certain degree, which doesn’t mean that we think every man is an evil predator. As for me, my standard is that a man has to be 0% misogynistic — which is the minimum, I expect further allyship — to be "good". Somehow women are looked down upon when they have such "high" expectations when it comes to members of their oppressor class, and I‘m aware that it‘s nearly impossible to find a man like that in our current world, but does that mean I should tolerate even 0.00001 of misogyny from a man? No. It means I‘m perfectly justified to center women & particularly like-minded women in my life.

As for transgender people, I don’t hate any dysphoric (!) person for being dysphoric and trying to live their life. I actually care a lot about the well-being of dysphoric people, but I‘m also well-aware that the TRA ideology (which doesn’t equal individuals with actual dysphoria) blatantly attacks women‘s rights & protections, and while many trans-identified people respect sexualities as they are, my criticism of the movement is still valid.

And I understand & respect where you‘re coming from, though I think that radical (=root) feminism is often falsely mistaken for extremism, which it is not. Since discovering radical feminism and other radfems, I actually feel much more understood and safe.

Women‘s rights & liberation don’t have to be palatable to men, and everything I share and say on my blog is backed up by facts. I don‘t "hate men", I hate misogynistic men — and it‘s on them not to be one of those.

Anyways, thanks for sharing your experience and being friendly. It‘s quite refreshing. xx

#women deserve better #radfem #radblr #radical feminism #feminism #radfems do touch #radfems do interact #radfems please touch #womens rights #sex based rights #anon

[genderkoolaid]

out of interest, what do you think about cis people using the term gender euphoria to describe their own experiences? I was under the assumption that it was a fairly non-exclusive term despite being primarily used by trans people but ive seen more and more people recently claiming that cis people can't use it because (and I quote) "cis people could never understand the trans experience of gender" this kind of talk just feels like unnecessary gatekeeping but I was wondering if there was any legitimacy behind preventing cis people from using the term.

Oh the idea that gender euphoria is a trans-only experience is total nonsense. Doing something that makes you feel happy/comfortable about your gender is not an inherently trans experience. If anything its good for trans people to not only have cis people recognize that their relationship with gender isnt as different to trans people's as they think, but also to have more cis people engage on a deeper level with what they want from gender. How does it benefit trans people to act like our experience with gender is lightyears removed from cis people's? It not only others us but also acts like being trans is the only way to have a complex relationship with gender, which is a deeply white, abled & frankly heterosexual viewpoint (even if the people saying this are gay, the idea that cis queers can't also have complicated genders is nonsense. there are in fact a LOT of queers who are amab men/afab women but whos gender fits more into what we would consider nonbinary/genderqueer)

As a side note: speaking from experience, I think a lot of (mostly young) people online hear about valid discussions of "this term is entrenched in the context x experiences and removing it from that context makes it useless", and then takes that and applies it to just. anything because they want to have a special word that only they can use and get to self-righteously yell at other people for using.

#m. #ask box

[autolenaphilia]

I noticed a lot of complaining from men, cis and trans, about women being afraid of them, that women treat men they don’t know well with a cold cautious distance. And men being men, they claim that this is proof that misandry is real, that being a man is not a position of privilege, that this is part of the “male loneliness epidemic” and so on.

I don’t want to single out trans men here, although they do that kind of complaining a lot here on tumblr, especially the “transandrophobia” true believer guys. In fact as far as I can tell from glancing at the blog of saint-speaks who coined the term, the “androphobia” part literally means women’s “irrational fear of men and masculinity” I can easily imagine transitioning and going from being gendered as female a lot by others to being gendered as male might make this gender difference more obvious and those men thus more likely to comment on it.

However, antifeminist cis men do this kind of whining a lot too, and they are actually more numerous, even if their preferred social media for that is reddit (at least before that site’s ongoing implosion).

And it is whining, let’s be clear on that. Sure, on a purely personal level it can feel awful for men to be treated as a threat by stranger women. It’s alienating. But let’s consider what these women feel instead, which this kind of discourse never does, which is why it’s misogynistic. These women feel fear, of bodily harm, of sexual violence. And it’s well justified. We live in a patriarchal society, in a violently misogynistic rape culture. Most violence against women is done by people they know, but it’s wise to be cautious about men in public if you are woman, whether you are cis or trans. Being a trans woman only makes that threat of violence worse. For men, successfully performing masculinity empowers them to hurt women and lesser men, and trans women are “girls you can hit.”

And for women, having to be that cautious and fearful is alienating and lonely too. There are women who have varying degrees of agoraphobia and seldom leave their home because of their fear.

It’s also kinda bizarre to demand genuine warmth from complete strangers anyway, especially those who genuinely fear you, yet men often expect it of women and there is a kind of entitlement in that. The ultimate statement of that kind of entitlement is perhaps Elevatorgate, where misogynists harassed a woman for being uncomfortable when sexually propositioned in an elevator.

And in practice, when a woman is afraid of a man, her response is typically deference. When you actually are afraid that someone will get violent, and they aren’t yet active threatening you or getting violent, you’ll try to avoid a fight or confrontation as much as possible. When a man and I are walking in opposite directions and are on a collision course, it’s nearly always I who will go to the trouble of stepping out of the way while the man just walks on in a straight line. This is probably true for most women. Because we are afraid, we will treat men coldly, but with deference and politeness, for we dare not do otherwise. Being too warm might invite dangerous sexual propositions, as all warmth shown by women towards men is interpreted as flirting in heteronormative society.

This is how all men benefit from violence against women, even if they have never been violent themselves. It’s part of how male privilege works.

Sure, men doesn’t actually get any emotional connection out of women being conflict-avoidant yet distant towards them, but neither do women, and men benefit in other ways. Male privilege does bring power. White men in a patriarchal white supremacist society can literally get away with murder.

It’s of course tragic that patriarchal violence keeps people apart, that it makes being with other people a fearful and tense experience. But focusing on men’s feelings of alienation and loneliness is not that productive. Women are also lonely and alienated due to this situation, to a greater degree than men. And the real problem is patriarchy and the culture of violence towards women it generates.

There is important nuance however that I need to add. “Accusations of sexual menace are a key weapon used against marginalized people in feminist spaces,” and public spaces overall, I might add. Black and disabled men are unfairly singled out as threatening and aggressive in ways that white and able-bodied neurotypical men are not. Even if a woman feels fear, her threat assessments are often poisoned by racism, ableism, lesbophobia, transmisogyny and so on. Such assessments are often based on gut feelings, and they are shaped by what society tells us is a threat, not some basic animal instinct.

And when marginalized people are viewed as a threat, they are often treated with aggression rather than deference born out of genuine fear of harm. These groups tend not to have the power to even defend themselves without being punished, while privileged men tend to have the societal power to take revenge for any perceived slight. You can see this in the public debate, trans women regularly should be thrown out of public life and denied resources for women because we are painted as dangerous, while there is no call for men to have any restrictions in public, despite the proven threat they pose.

And of course, the dynamic described here is also true for other axes of oppression besides man-woman. As a trans woman, I don’t feel entirely safe around cis women either. And non-white people have good reason to be cautious around white people like me.

But being a man is not a marginalized gender. Men can be marginalized in other ways, but not because of being men. Being oppressed curtails their male privilege but does not eliminate it entirely. Men are privileged for being men, and them being treated with deference by women is actually part of that.

And yes, that’s true even for trans men. Trans men are oppressed for being trans, but they can also access male privilege. It’s dependent on their ability to pass for cis men, be perceived and treated as men, so it’s conditional and meaningfully curtailed by their transness. But all male privilege is dependent on the successful performance of masculinity. It’s just much easier for cis men to perform masculinity in the eyes of wider society compared to trans men due to their cis privilege.

And this is not unique to trans men. The genuine oppressions men experience all impact their ability to successfully perform masculinity and thus be accorded the benefits of male privilege. Men who are not white or are disabled or neurodivergent, or seen as gay or effeminate are often inhibited in this way, and are viewed as defective men.

This is incidentally why trans women seldom are the “privileged men” of transmisogynist myth. Pre-transition we tend to perform masculinity inadequately and uncomfortably, and are seen as effeminate and faggy as a result.

Of course all these caveats don’t apply to men who do regularly perform masculinity successfully. They are given male privilege, and I can’t see how they are the main victims of that process. It’s not a big deal if women are cautious around you if they don’t know you well. Men are not evil for belonging to an oppressor class, but you are sure entitled if you expect women to never be afraid of you and treat you like a trusted friend from the minute they lay eyes on you.

#my writings #misandry is not real #misogyny #transmisogyny #masculinity

[olderthannetfic]

I'm a German speaker. I recently found out about a term that's trying to cover the experience of a certain type of group "FLINTA" which stands for Frauen, Lesben, Intersex, Non-binary, Trans and Agender. There's also a version including the Q, but it feels more like an afterthought from what I've seen.

To be clear, Idk how old that term is. I'm just looking at "current trends" of the community, and I see a few of the more intense people in the queer/LGBTQIA+ community using it.

The term specifically does not include any cis men, not gay, bi or asexuals. Why? It's because of "patriarchal systems" from what I gather, but it just come across as excluding any man. Depending on context it even excludes trans men, maybe even trans women, despite being vulnerable individuals.

To explain the trans aspect: A passing transman might be excluded because, well they pass as the idea of cis masculinity. Trans women, other side, a non-passing or closeted trans woman might feel excluded because their identity isn't "obvious" enough.

For some reason it seems to include cishet women though, at least how I understand it? Idk, if some German speaker knows better please explain.

Lesbian is also included as a "special treat" to show that being a lesbian is... extra special? Honestly, while writing this I checked, and it felt more like a "Lesbians are so special, and it's more than just a sexuality, so here you get this extra consideration." Page I found made a kinda very poetic slog about it "Lesbians are beyond a sexuality, all the other sexualities could never understand the spirituality of being a lesbian. The true aspect Weiblichkeit (feminity) without being restricted by the label of "Frau" (Woman) or "Frau sein" (womanhood). A lesbian is not a woman, she's more." -Calm down Beatrice, you like muff. I mean, same bro. But it doesn't make you better than the common bi, pan, or WLW, or whatever other label we got.-

I don't like this term, because it feels like it's trying to be exclusionary without saying it openly. It's really vague, and nobody I've seen use it seems to have one definition of who it covers and whom it doesn't. Hell, some people even say that transmen are explicitly excluded, despite the T, or that AMAB masc presenting NBs and Agenders are excluded because they "still benefit from the patriarchy." same for non-passing trans women. Basic conclusion, it's all a bit of a big ass mess.

--

[doberbutts]

Re: willingness to discuss male privilege. Same hat as a trans woman, but coming from the opposite direction. I acknowledge that being raised as a boy impacted me and gave me some amount of privilege (along with some sexist thought patterns that I'm still trying to move beyond). The problem isn't merely admitting that, but rather assuming that it disqualifies me from womanhood. Likewise the problem isn't in admitting that trans men face misogyny before (and after!) transition, it's in assuming that that experience disqualifies trans men from manhood.

Oh yeah, absolutely. For a long time I've thought that the appropriate reaction to "well you were [sex] socialized and recieve [sex] privilege!!!" is... "yeah, and?" People have different experiences sometimes. Doesn't make you not a man or not a woman.

I have an internet friend- a trans woman- who looks *identical* to a cis woman I used to go to church with. Like, I knew this cis woman had a brother while I was still hanging out in person with her and they look so alike that at some point I had to be like "hey weird question are you related to [cis friend] because you literally look just like her". I swear if I photoshopped them into a photo together you would not be able to tell which one's amab and which one's afab. I sent her a photo of my cis friend to prove it and she was like "WTF Jaz how did you make friends with my doppleganger before you even knew me"

Anyway. This trans woman friend of mine is generally fairly willing to discuss how, prior to transition, she DID receive benefits of being read as male and she DID see how cis women were treated poorly in comparison to her, because it hooks into how it made her very afraid of coming out, because she knew there was a certain safety in the closet that she could not yet give up. She did eventually come out. She also got kicked out of her family pretty much immediately, moved across the country, and now lives with her wife who she loves very much. And in telling her story she's very willing to discuss how much she lost when she chose transition over suicide, and the mental peace she gained in transition.

But she's afraid to discuss it openly, because many times terfs and radfems use it as ammo against her, saying that it's proof of her "male socialization" and thus she could never be a "real woman". And so she doesn't, and she only talks about it in private conversation, because she's tired of her past being used as a weapon against her.

Similarly, as a trans man, I'm more than willing to discuss when I notice that things are going better for me due to being read as a man. I'm more than willing to say that I am the receiver of some highly conditional male privilege. But instead of listening to the rest of the conversation- how misogyny affects my life and also how being read as male is NOT safe for me due to my race- many people stop listening at the "yes sometimes it benefits me to be read as male in a specific interaction" and use that as a weapon to silence me or others when they try to tell their stories.

It all sucks!!! We should be able to talk about our lives without fearing who will use our words against us. And the fact that we can't is a symptom of the larger problem of transphobia still baked in to not only society but our own communities.

[transmascpetewentz]

Now that I have the energy to do this, I just wanted to weigh in with my views on today's discourse regarding whether or not straight transmascs have straight privilege. Ppl have misinterpreted my previous statements on the subject, so I decided to make a post explaining why I believe what I believe.

First, I'll state the obvious—that is, straight trans people are not privileged over cis non-straight people. Cis non-straight people are their oppressors. The only context in which some straight trans people may be benefited for their straightness is a context in which they use their straightness to legitimize their transness in a way that non-straight trans people usually cannot.

There's a framework in which society views trans people based on sexuality, and it basically goes like this: trans people are oppressed due to our transness, and we are never afforded the benefits of straight privilege. However, straight trans people are often used by cishet people as tools to further oppress non-straight trans people—this is where ideas such as transmedicalism come from. It's also where the HSTS/autohomoerotic dichotomy, or the confused lesbian/predatory fujoshi stereotype. Of course, all types of transmascs will have both stereotypes projected onto us at the same time, but there is a fundamental difference in how a straight trans person will be affected internally by this and how a trans person of any other sexuality will.

Straight transmascs are often seen as more legitimate than non-straight and especially gay transmascs. Transmascs that are attracted to men have only been able to get HRT since the 1980s! Straight transmascs are used by transphobes of all flavors as a "gotcha" to gay transmascs asking to be treated with basic human decency. However, this brings me to my main point.

Straight transmascs are not to blame for any of this. When transhet people talk about their own oppression, we should not be derailing, because they do experience unique oppression. Straight transmascs can experience lesbophobia under the correct circumstances, and they should be allowed to talk about it. I would know how it feels to have my points constantly derailed when I talk about my own oppression. However, none of this erases the fact that straight transmascs have some very different experiences from MLM transmascs, and this causes a lot of issues when any one group assumes that their experience is universal. Unfortunately, cis society happens to prioritize straightness under the right conditions (which, for transmascs, means passing, gender conforming, etc.)

TL;DR: No, straight transmascs do not have straight privilege. While some can have access to conditional benefits provided by cis society, this is not their fault, and it is not their responsibility to solve our problems whose blame lies on cis people. Since privilege means systemic power, straight transmascs do not have access to any type of straight privilege. If you derail a straight transmasc's post to talk about how we have it worse, you're a piece of shit. However, it's still important to keep in mind how the straight transmasc experience differs from the MLM transmasc experience, and make sure to remember that transmascs are not a monolith.

#wentz.txt #transandrophobia #long post