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#keeping my thoughts to myself . but just know i'm having many of them

beatrixstonehill2 · 2 days

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"I've officially been a Hooters girl for one year! Just look at how fucking big my boss has made my tits. I was a C-Cup when I got hired. Before I even got my uniform they were shoving these supplements in my face. I kind of love it but I know if I ever want a real job someday I'll have to chop these embarrassing things off. It's all my coworkers and I talk about, finally getting out of the job and getting a reduction or having these monster tits we were forced to grow chopped off completely. It sucks, cuz I liked my boobs and thought they were so pretty. But now look at these grotesque melons I'm forced to walk around with all day. Every guy assumes I'm some free-use breeding cow. I've given up trying to fight them off. My commutes are now just one giant hardcore porno shoot. Which is to say nothing about how many customers I have to tit fuck and suck off every shift. Men are so greedy.....

The second guys see these huge lactating tits of mine they go nuts. They could be walking arm-in-arm with their pregnant girlfriend and still run over grope my tits and fuck me. The girlfriends just watch and film it anyway, sometimes they even masturbate, watching their bfs fuck me and smack me around. It's pathetic how used to being a cum dumpster I've become. I don't even care or notice when cum is pouring down my legs anymore. I actually leave a pool of cum wherever I sit. I can't believe what this job has turned me into, all because my dad talked me into working here, calling it a great opportunity.

Well, I hope they like taking care of all the grandkids I'll be forced to push out now. Since we're all in various stages of pregnancy, as well (Two months along with batch two!). I always dreamt of my first pregnancy being with my husband, us cherishing our kids. Not me getting fucked against the door of a subway car as a literal crowd of men surround me, all taking turns fucking me. Giving birth not in a nice hospital with my husband at my side, but instead at work as my boss gives me tequila shots for the pain, as customers face fuck me while I'm pushing out triplets. I thought men were supposed to be more gentle with pregnant girls? I swear once my belly gets really big and round they go ballistic. Way more guys start hitting me, roughing me up just for fun as they fuck me in bigger groups. My boss actually likes it when I come into work with bruises on my boobs and belly or a black eye, says it gets the customers more aroused.

Now after all this sex and breeding and my breasts getting so big I feel like my spine is gonna snap any day, I can't focus on school at all. My one way out of this job and it's like if I go ten minutes without getting fucked or playing with my tits and pussy I get agitated and restless. Like I'm addicted to getting fucked, even if 90% of it is not consensual. I'm literally fantasizing about getting my clothes ripped off and fucked in public, humiliated and treated like garbage as I write this. What the hell am I becoming? I'm doomed to drop out and keep working here. How big are my tits gonna be in a year? My brain can't take this, it's like my mind is breaking and soon I'll be nothing but a cock-addicted pregnant bimbo with a 40 IQ and breasts that weight over 100lbs a piece. The worst part is, I keep thinking to myself..... is that such a bad thing?"

#be #breast expansion #breast inflation #bimboification #dumbification #free use kink #cnc free use #corruption kink #mindless breeder #breeding k1nk

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weebsinstash · 1 day

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Since you guys have been digging poly yandere LuciLili do yall wanna hear one of my more fucked up ideas

I keep thinking about scenarios where Lilith is emotionally intelligent enough to kinda, get a read on who you are pretty quickly and, maybe you even help out by being a bit too honest about yourself, and she falls in love with you first and decides almost on his behalf that you would be perfect for Lucifer as well. Like I'm talking this man may know barely more about you than your name but Lilith sees certain similarities or contrasts between you that she's like, INSANELY POSITIVE you two would be perfect together, and she may be totally right, but the ethically dubious part is when Lucifer isssssss not quite as fast to warm up to you and Lilith tries to... expedite that process

I've thought of, the idea i mentioned before with you being pulled into a kind of dream dimension where you're bonding with them in a pseudo-Eden, that maybe Lilith "invites you" into their dream without telling or asking Lucifer first, and then it's in Eden where he falls in love with you, since, you're acting more like your actual true self since you think it's a dream with no consequences. In the waking world, you're nervous, barely making eye contact, maybe even a little scared of him, but in Eden, it's "do you two have nicknames for each other? Like do you ever call each other things like, maybe Lucifer is Lulu or Luci or Ducky and Lilith would be Lili or-- also when you two first met, Lucifer, were you ALSO completely naked or did you accidentally teach her what clothes were and made her self conscious? Since Lilith was naked when you met her, was it hard not to stare at her p--" like, you have so many interests and all this curiosity and they both think it's so cute and once you start talking, you speak in paragraphs not sentences and they just pofe watching you get excited and interested about things

but picture it gets to the point where here's Lucifer, "ok Lili OK I like her alright?! But it's- she's not really ready for a relationship let alone a BABY right now" and Lilith is just pouting and crossing her arms and BANISHES HIM TO THE COUCH. IM SERIOUS. Kicks him out of his own fucking bed and tells him he should be in yours instead. "Well just MAYBE she would be ready for a relationship if she had someone to show her she was safe and cared for LUCIFER >:( don't pretend you haven't been wanting another child LUCIFER >:( don't make me get her pregnant myself LUCIFER >:(" and also she very very well COULD do that so it IS a credible threat

Like Charlie is getting so fucking worried her parents are bickering all the time and she's worried they're gonna get divorced and it's just like, THEM ARGUING OVER GETTING YOU PREGNANT OR NOT. Lilith is over here privately having conversations with you where you're breaking down about dying before you could get a partner and get married and have a wedding and have a baby and she's running back to Lucifer, "cmon Lulu... don't you want to know what your baby would look like? She's just so SAD, Lulu, she wants her baby and her family SoooOoooo badly. You mean you don't want Charlie to have another sibling? You dont want a little baby to put in a little duckie onesie?"

I just. Picture. Lilith inviting you and Lucifer to drink with her and she just. Drugs you both, completely unapologetically slips you both aphrodisiacs. Gets you Hella Hella Drunk and, at some point later in the night, Lucifer thinks he's having sex with his wife, but uh, not wife number 1, that's for sure. He doesn't snap out of it until either the next morning or when he's already, you know, finishing, and you're just slurring and clinging to him like a teddy bear and honestly probably already pregnant

LATER ON DOWN THE LINE AFTER YOU'VE HAD YOUR BABY, you break down crying to Lucifer, "I want to tell you something but I'm worried you'll be mad but I- I don't want my baby to grow up with a lie and get hurt in the future, and, and you're a really good person and a good husband and a good dad and I hate lying to you" AND YOU REVEAL YOU WERE IN ON THE DRUGGING THING THE WHOLE TIME. LILITH APPROACHED YOU AND TALKED YOU INTO IT. But Lucifer still doesn't blame you because you're absolutely perfect in his eyes and, now you two have a beautiful little baby and you're both so so happy together, and here's Lucifer, "hey honey? I'm gonna go talk to Lili for a lil while, ok? Be back later ^^"

Skip to like a month later, here's Lucifer looking quite smug, "big news everyone! Lilith is pregnant! We've got another Morningstar on the way!" and here's Lilith ALSO looking quite smug cause, awwww that's so cute, he thinks he got back at her, but really, she got everything she wanted in the end. Lucifer just puffing out his chest because he's got a new baby and another on the way and Lilith just smirking coyly as she continues to knit little baby socks. If they'll go to your baby or hers or, maybe another future baby of yours, now, who can really say? Honestly the happiest Morningstar is Charlie because now she has her dad, her mom, and her other new mom, and now her new siblings too! And if anything bad ever happened to you or your baby the entirety of the Hotel will go to war for you with unspeakable unspeakable violence :)

#yandere x reader #yandere hazbin hotel #lucifer x reader #yandere hellaverse #hh #sinprompts

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canirove · 2 days

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Friends, lovers… and an orange | Chapter 5

Previous chapter | Next chapter (coming out on Friday)

Masterlist

"The internet is going nuts about you and that Nico."

"Really?"

"Yep" Jourdan laughed. "Right now it is team Mason vs. team Nico, and it is so funny. I don't know who has the craziest fans."

"As long as they leave me alone..." Adele sighed.

"Have you heard from any of them?"

"Nope. Mason seems to be still working in Italy, and Nico followed me on Instagram and that's all I know."

"Was he just a one night stand, then?"

"Yeah. He's cute and we had fun, but I don't think anything else could happen."

"Then team Mason wins!"

"I hate you, Jourdan" Adele said, rolling her eyes.

"Hate you too" she smiled.

"And my mum is calling me, I guess it's time to leave."

"Oh, good luck! I can't wait to see those photos, they are gonna be amazing."

"I hope so."

"They will, you'll see. Good luck, Addie."

"Thank you. I'll need it" she replied before hanging up.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"Mum, move your right hand a bit. Yes, perfect" Adele said before snapping another photo.

"She's a natural" she heard the other photographer say behind her.

"Both of them are" Maria Grazia added.

They had decided to stay and see her and her mum work together for the Dior campaign, which had made Adele feel even more nervous than she already was. This was her first professional photoshoot, and since being for one of the most iconic brands wasn't enough already, she had their creative director and a photographer who had been working for as long as she had been alive, keeping an eye on her.

When she first picked up the camera, her hands were shaking so much that she thought she wouldn't be able to take a single photo. But as her mum started posing, she relaxed and everything flowed.

"Ok, I think we are done" Adele said.

"Wait, no" her mum stopped her. "Let's take a couple more. Maybe standing?"

"Maria Grazia, what do you..."

"Yes, yes" she said, holding Adele from her shoulders and not allowing her to turn around.

"Ok…" Why were they all suddenly acting so weird?

"Now I do think we have them all" Elizabeth smiled after just a couple of shots. "Should we check them on the computer?"

"Sur... Mason?" Adele said when she was finally allowed to turn around. "What... How..."

"Hello, Addie. Elizabeth" he said with that smile of his that had broken so many hearts.

"What are you doing here?" Adele finally managed to say. "Weren't you in Italy?"

"I was, yes. But we wrapped up early, my mum told me that you were shooting your mum for Dior, and I said to myself, why don't I pay them a visit? I know this is huge and I wanted to be here for you. To support you."

"Thank you, Mase" she smiled, feeling her cheeks get warm.

"Mason, since we have you here, would you mind taking a photo of Adele and I together? You are the only one who manages to convince her to pose in front of a camera and I want to remember today."

"Of course. What do you say, Addie?"

"I'm not looking presentable, I..."

"Nonsense, you look beautiful. Give me that and join your mum" he said while taking the camera from her hands.

"C'mon, do as he says" Elizabeth insisted.

"Ok, fine" Adele replied, rolling her eyes and doing as she was being asked. Or ordered to.

━━━━━━❃━━━━━━

"I hate you so much."

"Why?" Mason laughed.

"The trap you and our mums set up?"

"Oh, that. We just wanted to surprise you on a big day."

"Yeah, sure" Adele snorted.

"Will a macaroon make you forgive me?" Mason pouted, offering her the little box. After the shoot was done, they had decided to go for a walk around the city to catch up and stop at their favourite bakery.

"It may help" she said. "So, how was Italy?"

"Definitely not as fun as Paris. Every time I saw you on Instagram I wished I was here with you. It looks like you've made some new friends."

"I've met so many people, Mase... So many" she chuckled. "But I don't consider them my friends, just acquaintances."

"Nico too?" Mason asked as he looked down, suddenly too interested on the floor.

"Nico too."

"You won't be seeing him again, then?"

"Nah."

"Good."

"Good?" Adele chuckled.

"I mean, you've probably seen everything that is going on online. Team Mason vs. Team Nico and all that. You are struggling enough with everything going on with us, you don't need to add more to it."

"Yeah, you are right" she sighed.

"Hey, what are you doing?"

"Eating another macaroon?"

"Haven't you had enough?" Mason laughed, hiding the box behind him.

"No, I have not. I barely ate today, I was too nervous."

"Then let's go find something else to eat. This is too much sugar."

"Oh, c'mon, Mase. Just another one" Adele pouted.

"Nope."

"Just one, please" she said, trying to take the box from his hands.

"I said no" Mason smirked, lifting it in the air so she wouldn't reach it.

"That won't stop me. I'm almost as tall as you are."

"Yeah... Perks of having a mum who is a supermodel and a dad who could have played basketball, right?"

"Exactly" she said, standing on her tiptoes and reaching the box.

"Addie, wait… Addie!" Mason said, the macaroons that were left on the box falling to the floor. "Now what?"

"Now I guess the pigeons will be having a feast, and you'll have to buy me lunch" she shrugged.

"Ok, come here you little rascal" he laughed, putting an arm around her shoulder and starting to walk. "What do you fancy?"

"Pasta."

"Addie, I just came from Italy. Can't we have something else?"

"Ummm... No" she replied with her best smile.

"Ok, then. I can't say no to that face" he said before kissing her cheek, her skin tingling where his lips had been. It was something Adele had never felt before with any other guy, and definitely not with Mason.

#mason mount #mason mount fanfic #mason mount imagine #football fanfic #football imagine

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rederiswrites · 2 days

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Worked in the front garden this evening. Reginald came and visited me. Got a total of eighteen plants in the ground in the front, and did some potting up of succulents in the back.

Everything in this corner is just lovely. My columbine is even more beautiful this year than last, and the yarrow and bee balm have spread and grown so much in this, their second year. I'm so excited to see them bloom. I think the natural purple bee balm is further down and we have the red in this photo.

My calendula is entirely self seeded now, but this one plant must have found a sheltered spot, because it's far outstripped the rest and bloomed such a vivid orange that it kinda screws with my camera. That, and one escape dandelion.

In the back left are the many seedlings of funky-colored echinacea. The plants were pretty puny last year, but this year they're coming up thick! There was a red variety and... Something else? And an absolutely wild one called "green twister" that had pink and green flowers. I grew that one from seed last year, and an very eager to see if it's still there, because it didn't bloom last year. I do wish my actual echinacea purpurea had spread so much, but I only see a couple new plants in that area.

This was a surprise find when I was weeding. There are two next to each other and none anywhere else, so it's a sure thing that I planted them. I *think* it's St John's Wort. Don't actually remember planting that so uh... Sweet.

I won't make you stare at a few leaves trying to figure out what I'm trying to show you, but I will say that within the last week I've seen new growth of a bunch of unusual natives I'd pretty much written off as lost money. I ordered them in late fall last year, and then because of The Sick never getting better until this year, I only got any of them in the ground by--i genuinely think it was December. They died back to the ground by mid-January, and I'd put them down as (quite a bit of) wasted money. But now I find myself pretty unmistakeably in possession of four Cardinal flower plants, six Rattlesnake Masters (best plant name ever?), two wood betonies, and at least four things that are definitely deliberate but which I cannot yet identify. Penstemon? I don't know, but I'm thrilled. I thought it was all lost, but in fact it's almost all growing! Unearned blessings for sure.

I lied, I will make you stare at leaves.

Seedling bonanza! Poppy, calendula, wild violet, and in the bottom right a massive concentration of something that's far too small to id but given the placement might be a return of the toothache plant. I am intimidated by the future task of thinning. But what bounty!

More seedling mania. Here, calendula, marigold, and a few chamomile. I'd expect there to be a LOT of reseeded coreopsis here too, but if so I can't id it yet.

My succulent garden continues to be one of my great joys. And just look at all that new growth on my prickly pear! It would be amazing to get flowers and fruits this year. Just think, this was two pads in a pot last spring! By next year I'll have to start harvesting just to keep it back.

Tree pretty.

#gardening

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cer-rata · 5 hours

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Fav batfam ships?

See, making that plural was a mistake, dear Anon, because now I have an excuse to list one for every member I care about and also explain myself--

In no particular order:

Bruce and Talia: Partially because I am god's strongest (and most delusional) soldier and can ignore anything racist and OOC in all of her depictions over the last 20 years. I honestly think it's hilarious how disgustingly horny they are for each other and how absolutely stupid they get when left alone together. 10/10 so funny I could die, let them be dumb together as a treat.

Dick and Koriand'r: Listen. It's basic. They have problems, they've always had problems, but when the story and editorial direction allows for it they make each other so happy. Two traumatized kids from across the stars that find a moment of safety with each other? I am a simple man, it compels me.

Kate and Renee: I'm a sucker for disaster lesbians. I am. They are the avatars of lesbian disaterism and honestly good for them, keep making Aphrodite wildly upset with how hard you both can fumble a baddie, laddies.

Stephanie and Cassandra: It's popular for a reason! They are so wildly different while being weirdly similar! They care about each other in ways that are so genuine and raw, but aren't always helpful to the other party! Visually they look like a classic emo/sunshine ship, but if you investigate even a little bit it's quickly obvious that their dynamic is much weirder and more interesting. See also: the above disaster lesbians (wlw specifically here but the sentiment stands) thing.

Barbara and...Kara(?): ...This is my badly substantiated rarepair that also relies on a reality where Kara wasn't aged down. I just...it is one of the two variations of Superbat that compels me, and it purely comes down to the intensity of their personalities, the emotional weight they both carry, their intense understanding of loss and duty, and the fact that as Oracle and Supergirl they manage to have similarly heavy responsibilities on their shoulders.

Damian and Jon: The other variation of Superbat that compels me. Look. They've never got to have any consistent, wholesome, appropriate or healthy close relationships with any other viable options first off, so this isn't hard. Second, their arcs are literally designed to compliment each other, and the groundwork for that was laid out for sooo many issues. It's the opposite of Babs and Kara where there is actually so much content to be compelled by that it circles back to being painful again. Now, to be clear, I have no interest in anything happening with them unless and until they are allowed to be adults, mostly because I think those character arcs need come to completion before anything more than being best buds happens. Also, as god's strongest (and most delusional) soldier, the volcano didn't happen, Jon is going age normally and get to go to high school, they're going to fix it okay, there's a space whale--

Tim and Jason are in a weird "Y shaped" poly situation with a hairy bear named "Intensive Mental Health Care": No I will not be elaborating further.

Duke and ???: I love Duke. I have not been compelled by a ship for him yet. I know Tom King tried to make him and Gotham Girl a thing but...who wants that? I even like Gotham Girl enough to write for her, but WHO WANTS THAT!?

Anyone else I really haven't thought enough about to include...however....

HONORABLE MENTIONS THAT I DON'T WANT BUT SOMEHOW COMPEL ME:

Bruce and Minhkhoa: So funny, almost a parody of Bruce in a MLM ship, painfully comedic, Khoa is a disaster of a man and the most down bad creature on earth, beating even Talia on the obsession angle. Never let them prosper, never let them get it together, let me feast on this crack made canon.

Bruce and Selina: I DO like me some batcat, but I'm really more interested in Selina getting to be her own thing nowadays. Escape the bat-love interest curse girl, maybe go kiss an amazon or something.

Kon and Cassandra: Don't want this, but I am truly taken by the fact that was even a thing that was considered for 30 seconds. Insane. Insane pairing. Batshit. Kind of endearing? But please never again.

Barbara and Dinah: Listen 90's BoP (and often after too) was full of so much sexual tension between these two that it was almost suffocating. The one-night stand that they both fondly think about later, but told no one about? It needed to happen, but that's the end of it for me.

#headcanons #bruce wayne #cassandra cain #stephanie brown #talia al ghul #jon kent #damian wayne #i'm not tagging everyone #shut up cerata #shipping #batfamily #cerata ships #sometimes

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dent-de-leon · 2 days

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TALESIN'S INITIAL PITCH FOR LEO AMICUS!!

Taliesin: "I am playing with the notion of a character named Leonard--uh, Leo--Amicus. Middle name, last name--redacted. A socialite...a socialite in exile. Just these days, fixer, friend to whoever needs a friend. Enemy to whoever needs an enemy. How I ended up with Candela is, I come from a very rich family. We were living in the Eaves. I just had very little I needed to do with my life--other than spend money. Very little responsibility. And one of the wonderful things we used to get up to, was kind of a unsavory thrills and chills of the wealthy and the well-to-do and the interesting. Where we would throw parties--and interesting themes, just...anywhere from crazy swinging on the chandeliers, to whatever the version of unbelievable wealth's costume parties, et cetera. Any theme, any weirdness--"

"Just, disturbing decadence. The decadence of boredom. One of the evenings that I was supposed to have this--you know, four times a year club--I was supposed to be putting it together. I thought it would be fun to have a kind of faux seance, just sort of bring the vibe of the occult and the beyond to the party. Just have kind of that...kind of a fun, dark spiritualist vibe. The war was over--the vibe was everywhere. Didn't know that the object and the people involved were...uh...real! And things went. Very very wrong. And people died. It was...very bad."

"The very rich family that I had covered it the fuck up. And paid off every bribe. Made everything go away. In return, I was told to leave--to lose my last name, never speak of the family again, and just live off the--very reasonable to most people--amount of money I was given to just live my life away. And never make noise again...Paid off and put into exile--which I have done. Especially since, almost every person who died at that party, was the direct relation of a very powerful, influential person--which Candela has been so kind to keep under the table for me."

"In return, I have given them access to the lovely collection of things--many of which I did not know were that interesting--that I had collected over the years. They get to pick through my apartment whenever they choose. And I in turn, I still know people, I still talk to people. Especially unscrupulous people. And I know things about people that shouldn't be...made public--so just, I've got a little bit of everything, and I am very bored."

"I have to kind of, I have to keep myself quiet. But I'm a little older, a little wiser, and good at, you know, paying attention now...[I keep going back to Candela out of] a mix of boredom--which is a very big one. They put in the work to keep me off the radar now that my family is fucking done. So. If any of the rich and important families found out that I was the one who caused their child, or grandchild, or otherwise--to be psychically incinerated into a lunatic who is now locked in an asylum with half a face, or whatever happened to them--I would be dead. So they keep me safe, and in return I do work for them, and I'm happy to do it. And I'm malleable for, as always--whatever anybody needs."

#leo amicus #candela obscura #candela obscura spoilers #MR LEO AMICUS MY BELOVED #i lov him i love him thank you for making such amazing characters taliesin

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the-most-pathetic-edge-marquis · 9 hours

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oops omg in my delirious ranting i forgot to ask you the question i originally meant to send lmao

would love to get your thoughts on Nesta & Cassian's relationship! your thoughts on its dynamics, its current state, its future, etc! any parallels you've found, or anything you find between them that makes you think it doesn't work - anything! i find the dynamic fascinating but i wish there was more than just "haha they drive each other CRAZy they MUST be mates!"

(i haven't read the 5th book but i'm ok if there are spoilers)

okay, if by 5th book you mean A Court of Silver Flames: apologies, i Have To talk about it, because it is the source of most of my Cassian/Nesta thoughts, so there will be spoilers. if you're talking about a different book and not counting the Christmas Special Novella TM as book 4...there's a 5th book??

also, as always, i have written entirely too much. thank you for enabling me on my red-string conspiracy rants.

let's see...this is really interesting, because conceptually i also see so many FASCINATING elements to Nesta and Cassian's relationship, especially thematically and in terms of the ways they mirror each other.

but then reading it within the context of the books themselves just makes it so. incredibly. frustrating.

first of all, what you said about "haha they drive each other CRAZY" is so real--i feel like it was an enemies to lovers story that devolved to centering around very shallow banter and hatefucking that is then still supposed to be seen as something super profound and lifelong for the two of them?

plus the way "mate bonds" are executed within the ACOTAR series frustrates me to no end...plus there's so much misogyny and white feminism and heteronormativity and poor depictions of mental health and abuse baked into the series under this progressive veneer that it for some reason gets...plus getting into the realm of wild speculation, i feel like a) sarah j maas legitimately dislikes Nesta and thinks she deserves the in-universe hate and b) sarah j maas is an only child.

so when i try to analyze Nesta and Cassian's relationship, it's just so difficult for me to separate it from all the rest of that. especially having read A Court of Silver Flames. a book that somehow filled me with more rage than breaking dawn? i did not think that was possible

another note: all of my quotes below are just cited to chapters, because i have an...um...let's call it the Kiera-Knightley-in-the-ocean-in-a-liking-girls-awakening-outfit copy of the ACOTAR series and i'm pretty sure the pages don't line up super well.

anyway, let's dig more into the good/compelling:

1. nesta is very squarely in My Type of female characters, and it's clearly cassian's type too.

aloof and mean and full of cold rage, wearing femininity like armor, with a spine of steel and a too-sharp tongue and undying loyalty to a very very select few soft characters...i LOVE LOVE LOVE that character premise, every goddamn time. and i love that cassian (in theory. according to what he says. not necessarily what he does.) sees that and loves it and doesn't want her to change. that fire is the reason he loves her, and was even when she was human! he's perfectly willing to dash himself up against it, because he sees a reflection of himself there! like:

"'You can keep that sharpness I like so much, that boldness and fearlessness. I don’t want you to ever lose those things, to cage yourself.' 'But I still don’t know how to fix myself.' 'There’s nothing broken to be fixed...'" -ACOSF, Chp. 50

!!!!

(now, do cassian's actions actually line up with that? mmm, debatable, but i think that's definitely more authorial blind spots than intent, and i like the theory!)

2. i am not immune to the:

"His voice was rough as he said, 'Five hundred years ago, I fought on battlefields not far from this house. I fought beside human and faerie alike, bled beside them. I will stand on that battlefield again, Nesta Archeron, to protect this house—your people. I can think of no better way to end my existence than to defend those who need it most.' I watched a tear slide down Nesta’s cheek. And I watched as Cassian reached up a hand to wipe it away. She did not flinch from his touch." -ACOMAF, Chp. 57

3. i go absolutely feral every time i think too hard about the thematic lines you can draw between nesta and cassian.

nesta, who has made herself cold and untouchable and absolutely unwilling to yield to anyone, clinging to the symbols of status and perfect upper-class femininity because those were the only weapon she was taught how to wield...and cassian, who is all fire and fury and raw passion, seeing himself as the blade that bathes himself in blood at rhys' command without being able to understand why and just trusting that rhys knows best, defining himself constantly as a base-born bastard who is only good at the fight...it's SO FASCINATING.

they have parallel experiences that in practice were entirely different because of the social circumstances in which they were born!

(also the way both of their mothers and their deaths play into it???? nesta was shaped by her mother's presence and cassian by his mother's absence???? both of them see their mother's death as a defining moment, except nesta responds with retreating further into that cool passive cruelty and cassian massacres an entire village...HELLO????)

4. you know what? shout-out to nesta weaponizing cassian's care for and promise to her to save his life...

and ONLY his life, when he would've willingly and gladly died with his legion!!! and then feeling guilty about it after the fact! (maybe even guiltier than he does!) that's SUCH a fascinating thing to have between two characters.

how do you go forward loving someone when you feel unspeakably guilty about what you did in the name of that love? you saved their life because you love them! you hate yourself for saving their life! you still love them!

okay, that's my quota for complimenting the acotar series this decade:

1. all of the things that i talked about above are. um. not central parts of the entire 700+ page book that is allegedly cassian and nesta's grand love story?

like--don't get me wrong, they're there. i'm not pulling those elements out of nowhere. but the central focus of that book seems to be...i honestly don't even know. it's like, part nesta's "recovery" (i will not rant here about that), larger part Nesta's Inspiring Fitness Journey TM, part The Thinnest Villain Plotline Of All Time (guys that mortal queen was NEVER going to be able to get into the prison that rhys has to give you permission to get into. she would've just fucking died. it would've been fine. also the mortal queens' motivations are just so shallow and incoherent to me), for some reason part Feyre's Pregnancy Journey TM, and large, large part...

nesta and cassian bantering in increasingly bland ways and having tragically the closest sjm gets to kink because they're being a little bit mean and commanding with each other, but nowhere near enough to actually be interesting to me? and obviously i don't have anything against smut in the fairy smut series, but i feel like it takes up way more of this book than actual interesting relationship beats between nesta and cassian, and it's really frustrating!

like here, have a screenshot from my notes app from my first reading of this book, which i feel like summarizes a lot of my feelings related to that and in general about the "romance" she builds for them:

also why does she write about toes so much when she's writing erotic scenes it's not even like a character-specific thing it's in all the books i noticed it and now i can't stop seeing it, any time a female character is horny her toes curl it's such a stupid specific phrase

2. i cannot separate the romance between nesta and cassian from my deep, profound hatred of the premise of ACOSF, the way it depicts recovery and mental illness, and nesta's lack of agency throughout it.

(i will rant about this now! oops.)

first, i am at my funniest and wisest in the notes app:

but seriously! cassian is just so horribly, consistently cruel to nesta throughout this book, specifically around her grief, her physical condition, and her mental health issues, especially around eating.

"His hazel eyes guttered. 'Not eating won’t bring your father back.' 'That has nothing to do with this,' she hissed. 'Nothing.' He braced his forearms on the table. 'We’re going to cut the bullshit. You think I haven’t gone through what you’re dealing with?'" -ACOSF, Chp. 5

"Cassian asked, 'What stair did you make it to?' 'One hundred eleven.' Nesta didn’t rise. 'Pathetic.'" -ACOSF, Chp. 8

"'I knew you didn’t have much muscle,' Cassian observed as Nesta lay belly-down on the ground, having collapsed onto her front after trying to hold a full-body plank, 'but this is absolutely pathetic.'" -ACOSF, Chp. 16

and Nesta clearly internalizes all of this, because these phrases recur in her narration over and over and over.

"She was pathetic for being so weak. Pathetic for now being unable to walk so much as a step without grimacing" -Chp. 13

“'They are when you’re as out of shape as I am.' A pathetic weakling" -Chp. 15

"She punched that thought out of herself, too. That pathetic, selfish thought. Just as all of her was pathetic, and selfish, and hateful." -Chp. 40

(i did leave out the "everyone hates you" conversation, because to be fair to Cassian, that's a moment where he's overwhelmed, and he does later apologize and walk it back and that's a genuine moment of growth for the two of them--which imo is just proof that he could be doing better in all these other situations!)

even the scenes where nesta and cassian are on the mountain, allegedly nesta's turning point, just make me so incredibly sad and frustrated on her behalf.

(even leaving aside the question of whether nesta was right to tell feyre about the pregnancy killing her, or how much it matters that she did it out of anger, or even if everyone is right to be mad at nesta which obviously im on nesta's side because FEYRE DESERVED TO KNOW LIKE WHAT THE FUCK DUDE WHO CARES IF SHE ONLY DID IT 'TO HURT FEYRE' FEYRE ISN'T MAD! HAVE YOU NEVER HAD A SIBLING???? SAYING THINGS TO HURT BECAUSE YOU LOVE THEM IS LITERALLY 99% OF IT!!!! AND ALSO CASSIAN AND LITERALLY EVERY OTHER CHARACTER IN THIS BOOK GET TO SAY HORRIBLE THINGS TO NESTA OUT OF ANGER, RHYSAND LITERALLY THREATENS TO KILL HER FOR TELLING HER SISTER THE TRUTH ABOUT HER OWN PREGNANCY? i hate these quotes.)

(all quotes here come from chapters 47-50, the mountain sequence.)

cassian is saying things "quietly--coldly" with "nothing kind in his face", "nothing warm in it. No challenge or light. Just solid, stonecold warrior", an "icy, amused gleam in Cassian’s eye" as he makes her carry a way-too-heavy pack...and just silence! he doesn't speak to her at all! and she sits there and thinks she deserves it! ("Let him drive her into the ground, let him make her walk and act the servant. It wouldn’t fix anything. Wouldn’t fix her."; "She deserved to be turned into bloody mist by Rhysand. Wished Cassian had not come to save her.")

meanwhile in cassian's head, he's sitting there shocked that she's suicidal, ("Cassian knew that Nesta often hated herself. But he’d never known she hated herself enough to want to … not exist anymore." BOY YOU'RE DUMB AS SHIT), hoping for her to be healed...and still making the explicit choice not to comfort her! ("Instinct bellowed at him to wrap himself around her, to comfort and soothe, but another voice, an ancient and wise voice, whispered to keep going. One more mountain, that voice said. Just one more mountain.")

it just like...makes me so goddamn miserable, and i feel like it undercuts everything in their relationship.

nesta collapses because she wasn't drinking water and cassian rushes over and gives her water and carries her to safety?

cool, the reason she wasn't drinking water in the first place is because he TOLD her no breaks and because, again, she thinks she deserves to be destroyed over the thing he's told her he's angry about! (also he yells at her, of course.)

cassian, over the course of this book, helps guide nesta toward healing and coming into her full power and ability as a warrior, who can then empower other women to do the same?

sure, but he does it by bullying her, assuming he knows best when he has no idea what she's actually going through and won't bother to ask, and being cruel and absent allegedly because she needs to "save herself."

and, of course, all of this is in the circumstances rhys and feyre have created where the only alternative nesta has to being locked in a house with cassian and going along with whatever he asks of her is literal fucking exile with the possibility of death. ("So, yes: Nesta might technically be able to return to the human lands, but she would find no companionship there, no warm welcome or town that would accept her. Wherever she was able to find a place to live, she would be essentially housebound, confined to the grounds of her home for fear of human prejudices." -Chp. 2)

and look. there are a lot of caveats that can be made, (and have been by the acotar fandom), and some that i can even sort of get behind.

the one i find most compelling: nesta is definitely shutting cassian out, hard, and intentionally doing it in ways that she knows will hurt him so that her self-isolation will be most effective. she isn't really in a place, especially at the start of the book, where she wants to get better, and she is willing to be mean in the process of accomplishing that. and i do see the appeal of cassian being willing to be "mean" back! that said...i don't know, the tone of it still doesn't personally land super well with me.

and yes, it is 100% more interesting and better fiction when characters in a book respond imperfectly to mental health issues. not every character should talk like a therapist, or like they've been to therapy! it's more fun when cassian is messy and responds imperfectly and gets mad! he's entitled to feel whatever frustrations he does!

but sarah j maas so obviously doesn't think that's what's going on here. what cassian does "works," in the fiction. in the story, he turns nesta's life around, to the point where she starts helping other people, and in the triumphant climactic fight of the entire novel exclaims "because my mate taught me well!" as she wins. nesta thinks that he's good and perfect and she doesn't deserve him for...the entire story. she bows to amren and begs forgiveness, when amren is the first person to tell her that she's literally "a pathetic waste of life." like, i think we're supposed to believe that nesta is pathetic and has to choose to be "better" and that's just...your mileage may vary, but i personally hate it.

to address some other semi-common talking points that frustrate me even more...

yes, mental illness does not excuse someone's behavior and you still need to be held accountable, even if your actions come from a place of hurt and mental illness! but...this isn't holding nesta accountable. even leaving aside the question of accountable for what, there is a difference between holding someone accountable and just being cruel, and i can't help but put this firmly in the second category. calling someone "pathetic" doesn't actually help them improve their treatment of others in any way. also, it's not like nesta isn't aware and critical of her impact on other people (arguably too critical, but again, i'm a bit of a nesta defender by way of hating Rhysand with my whole heart), she is in fact deeply aware and unable to change alone because it comes from a place of trauma! (and being surrounded by a bunch of controlling ultra-powerful centuries-old also traumatized politicians who fucking suck.)

and yes, mental health care is not always nice and flowery. sometimes there's nothing you can do, because ultimately people do have to save themselves! sometimes you do have to let someone break down before they will accept help! sometimes, speaking as someone who has been extremely mentally ill for a very long time, you need someone who's going to say "that's pretty fucked up, dude," or that it's a little ridiculous to be scared of how permanent tattoos are when you have the number of self-harm scars that you do, or even jokes about you being terrible and unforgivable when you apologize for something like asking to hang out or interrupting over the phone by accident! but those a) require a degree of trust, consent, existing relationship, and shared experience and b) are not what cassian is doing. tonally, contextually, it is obviously different.

also, you know what? the acotar series sells itself hugely on being a YA series--sort of; the marketing has definitely shifted now, like, I've seen ACOSF in adult sections, but when the first three came out, it was definitely YA-marketed, that's how i found it, and there are a lot of teenagers reading it still--anyway--a YA series that deals seriously with mental health issues, recovery, and abuse.

and if it wants to sell itself on that, it should do better.

i first read this series when i was 15. and i completely missed all of the ways that rhys is manipulative and controlling! i took the author at her word that he was a feminist, and feyre had choice and agency!

ACOSF didn't exist yet, but i really truly am afraid of how 15-year-old me, who was struggling with an eating disorder (among other things), would have internalized parts of this book.

so yeah, in summary: i can't in good conscience enjoy nesta and cassian's relationship when so much of it is these moments of cassian reinforcing nesta's self-hatred, and being just outright cruel to her in her weakest moments, and the narrative justifying it.

(also sorry, one more thing: the way that this makes nesta's physical "training," and getting physically in shape, into a solution for her eating disorder? there are many ex-ballerinas, myself included, who'd like a word about that. physical fitness and over-exercise is actually also a huge piece of disordered eating! okay, sorry, i'm actually done now.)

3. yeesh, that was heavy. let's do something more fun:

listen. first of all. nesta is bi as hell and SO INTO GWYN. LOOK AT THIS.

"Nesta looked at her from under lowered brows again. 'Get out of my sight.' Gwyn grinned, a broad, bright thing that showed most of her teeth and made her eyes sparkle in a way Nesta knew her own never had. 'Oh, you’re good.' Gwyn turned back to the stacks. 'Really good.' She vanished into the gloom. … Quiet settled around her, as if Gwyn had been a summer storm that blew in and evaporated within a moment." -Chp. 9

"Nesta allowed herself to listen--to savor the pure, sweet voice that rose and fell with sinuous ease. Gwyn's hair seemed to glow brighter with her song, skin radiating a beckoning light. Drawing any listener in." -Chp. 13

"The only bit of color and sound came from Gwyn." -Chp. 13

"Nesta closed her eyes, leaning into the music, shutting out one sense in order to luxuriate in the sound of her friend. Something beckoned in Gwyn’s song, in a way the others’ hadn’t. Like Gwyn was calling only to her, her voice full of sunshine and joy and unshakable determination. Nesta had never heard a voice like Gwyn’s..." -Chp. 52

"Gwyn bared her teeth. 'I refuse to leave you here.' ...Nesta said to Gwyn, “It is the only way.” Gwyn screamed, 'IT IS NOT THE ONLY WAY!' And then she was sobbing. 'I will not abandon you to them. They will kill you.' 'You need to go,' Nesta said, even as her hands began shaking. 'Now.' 'No,' Gwyn wept. 'No, I won’t. I’ll face it with you.' Something deep in Nesta’s chest cracked. Cracked open completely, and what lay within bloomed, full and bright and pure. She wrapped her arms around Gwyn. Let her friend sob into her chest. 'I’ll face it with you,' Gwyn whispered, over and over again. 'Promise me we’ll face it together.' Nesta couldn’t stop her tears then. The chill wind froze them on her cheeks. 'I promise,' she breathed, stroking Gwyn’s matted hair. 'I promise.'" -Chp. 69

NESTA YOU HAVE TO AT LEAST CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY--

and then, @r-biter put me onto the "Cassian is a trans woman" headcanon and i have never looked back. it's mostly from the Mor situation and the "lesbian dating a trans woman before either of them have realized" dynamic, which is just so incredibly fun to me (because i lived it? perhaps). but there's also a good amount of...where does that deep, personal rage about girls not being able to train come from? what could lie underneath seeing your body as only a blade, honing it as a weapon and nothing else, excruciating command and control of it, and still seeing yourself as too rough and too much and a brute to be controlled?

can't i just have cool badass butch as hell six-foot-whatever-absurd-number trans women in fiction?

so yes, my ideal view of the future of nesta and cassian's relationship is that they break up, nesta dates some women, cassian does some introspection and comes out as a woman, and maybe the two of them end up back together, but maybe they don't and they have incredibly funny divorced-friends energy for the rest of time.

4. cassian...loves rhys more than nesta? and i feel like that's a significant problem for their relationship?

this is a far more watsonian analysis than anything else on this list, but i still feel like it's worth saying, because i have. SO MANY thoughts about the "Inner Circle" dynamic, and the character conflicts, and frankly abuse, that happens within the balance of the IC being set up as "family" but also being huge political movers with a very strict hierarchy and Rhysand having ultimate power and say...

which in the case of nesta and cassian, shows up in a lot of ways. sending Nesta to the House of Wind is Rhysand's idea and Cassian is willing to go along with it and take the heat; in the argument they have where he tells her everyone hates her, it's because she calls Rhysand an asshole; Rhysand threatens to kill Nesta when she tells Feyre about her pregnancy and all Cassian can do is get Nesta away, and he sympathizes with Rhys' feelings and reasons for doing it, as well as agreeing with him that Feyre shouldn't have been told; Cassian does vote to tell Nesta that she has Made extra-magical swords in opposition to Rhysand, but he also fully wants Rhys to become High King of Prythian and thinks Nesta's swords should be used toward that purpose, without giving any thought to what Nesta wants in the situation...

it's just honestly hard for me to see a relationship thriving in that situation, where ultimately Cassian will (it seems) always bow to Rhys' authority, and Rhys legitimately fucking hates Nesta. even with their "reconciliation" during the birth scene, i'm...i don't know. skeptical. what happens the next time there's a disagreement? (that High King plotline isn't going anywhere, unfortunately.)

and, to step out of in-universe dynamics for a moment, and into some personal speculation about the Doylist view of these things...i do think a lot of it is because Maas genuinely thinks Nesta was in the wrong, and people were right to resent her before she "redeemed" herself by her big sacrifice for Feyre? which is also deeply frustrating to me and affects my read of the Cassian/Nesta dynamic a lot.

just from events in the book--Nesta bowing to Amren and begging forgiveness; Nesta feeling guilt and shame about interacting with Mor and saying she understands why she is angry with her (when the thing Mor says about Nesta deserving to be in the Hewn City is like. SO fucked...in general, the comparison that is for some reason constantly running between Mor as like, a "good" survivor and Nesta as a bad one...i could write so much analysis about that alone); Nesta sacrificing her power for Feyre and Rhys then hugging her--it's clear that Maas to some extent views this as a redemption journey for Nesta and not just a healing one...

and I'm not convinced that was necessary?

like, a lot of people's problems seem to be her letting Feyre go into the woods, which is like...okay, yes, Feyre was fourteen, but Nesta was seventeen? she was also a child in this situation? and it sucks that she didn't step up, and she was definitely extremely petty in the first book...but so was Elain? and Elain is like, instantly forgiven for it? but Nesta is held to a higher standard? (the "nesta has the soul of an illyrian so i expect better from her" is so??? demeaning to both elain and nesta???) even when Feyre says she understands and forgives her?

ALSO, you know who ACTUALLY had an obligation to protect Feyre and failed? THEIR FUCKING DAD, WHO EVERYONE IS NOW DEIFYING AND JUDGING NESTA FOR NOT VISITING HIS GRAVE, LIKE--

and then there's...Nesta is cruel. she shuts people out. but i don't know, it feels deeply hypocritical to resent her for that when the centuries-old immortals she's surrounded by are regularly eviscerating people and making backhanded deals with each other's abusers (the way Rhys treats Mor is just like. SO wild) and lying to each other for no reason...and it's just the most insane double standard that we're expected to see them as perfect and nesta as irredeemable for being mean.

(a semi-related side note: i have to point out that the solstice book is so fucking funny because feyre's sitting there worrying about nesta drinking too much and every other page in that book is her and her friends drinking themselves to sleep. like, i get it, but also. girl.)

anyways, that was a lot of words about nesta's overarching treatment by the narrative, but to bring it back to her relationship with cassian specifically: i feel like she's never going to be justified out-of-universe, or liked in-universe, unless she just starts going along with what rhys and feyre want her to be and do, and that really sucks as a basis for her relationship with Cassian. and i don't think this is happening in canon as an exploration of the ways being royalty and political leadership and pressure like that fractures relationships, i think we're very very obviously supposed to love rhysand and see his inner circle as an idealized friendship group for feyre...which sucks for nesta!!!

also cassian azriel and rhys all just need to have a threesome at least once i think i think it would solve a lot of their problems like what do you MEAN you multiple times fucked girls in the same room as each other at the same time while you were growing up

5. gender roles speedrun roundup:

i often feel like reading the acotar series leaves me with a spectrum of reactions from "are straight people okay" to "yikes, gender roles," (there are no good options on this spectrum), which just makes me roll my eyes so hard at so many interactions between nesta and cassian.

i could write a lot here, or i could just toss you this quote:

"The first time she’d seen Cassian, she couldn’t take her eyes off him. She felt like she’d spent her life surrounded by boys, and then a man—a male, she supposed—had suddenly appeared. Everything about him had radiated that confident, arrogant masculinity. It had been heady and overwhelming, and all she’d wanted, all she’d wanted for so many months, was to touch him, smell him, taste him. Get close to that strength and throw everything she was against it because she knew he’d never break, never falter, never balk." -Chp. 10

like. what. is. what. do straight people really--

also i CANNOT take the use of male and female seriously there HAS to have been a better way to do that i just

to be more serious, there's also something really uncomfortable to me about nesta's view of cassian as the ideal of masculinity, and a fundamentally deeply good person (in opposition to her)...whereas we see so clearly from cassian's pov that he's just so deeply embedded in and surrounded by violence?

(i am never not thinking about the entire village that he slaughtered, and how he doesn't regret it, it took him ten years to "face" it but he doesn't regret it! apologies, i'm about to out myself as fundamentally A Star Wars Guy TM, but like...when anakin skywalker slaughters the entire village of people who murdered and assaulted his mother, it is--at least in theory, god those movies are bad--a very clear step into the dark side and the path that leads to him becoming the ultimate evil fascist imperial figurehead. whereas for cassian it's righteous and a step to him becoming "strong enough" to handle nesta!)

they are both a hopefully-unintentional weird racist exoticization of "tribal people" who mistreat women and get murdered for it written by white people though. god everything about the illyrians makes me feel so weird

the masculinity = violence thing is definitely not limited to cassian, (it's arguably worse with High Lord "get her out of here before i kill her for revealing that i was lying to my wife about her imminent death" Rhysand), so it's clearly an authorial thing seeping in, but it still makes me itch to dig my messy little fingers in and deconstruct it, you know?

so!

i'm sure i could write more, but this is already obscenely long--thank you for enabling me to write all of this! i hope it gave you a decent sense of my thought process...and i would love to hear any and all of your thoughts, i am as always so glad to be your friend in conspiracy-board-string meta and everything else.

#thank you so much for the ask!#acotar #acosf #nesta archeron #nesta x cassian #NESTA DESERVED BETTER FTW #also. is anyone surprised that this is the stance i took #because i'm sure not

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fortheturnstiles · 9 months

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