#like i didnt have to make huge decisions because they know i hate doing that

[official-darkforest]

in your anthro au, does bramble actually make it to canada? is the plotline of the lake territory scrapped for something else?

rambled quite a bit here!

no, they dont make it to canada. they abandoned that idea after feather was killed. instead her funeral and burial is held in california by her dying wish and her family drives/flies over. graystripe and mosspelt took feather's car, but mosspelt flies back home via plane. graystripe is staying wirh storm indefinitely and eventually meets millie.

with storm's blessing, bramble,tawny, crow, and squirrel take the van back home. tawny is dropped off on the way, but crow insists on tagging along to thunder because he's not ready to be alone yet. his family is pretty small and he's not sure his parents will be able to help much, as much as they may try.

dodging the draft can get you into trouble, but there are many that got off scot free and bramble was one pf those lucky fellows (especially with firestar's involvement. he made sure bramble wouldn't have it held against him in return for keeping squirrel safe and bringing her home). firestar was furious at both bramble and squirrel but he's not cruel and unsympathetic, especially considering they just lost a very close friend (and that gray isnt coming back for a while).

this is where crow and leaf meet, crow is kinda bunking with bramble at his place and even had plans to move in for good. his parents were pretty combative but couldnt do much since he was a few states away!!! they dont know where the fuck thunder-whatever is. but eventually he gets a call about his father's rapidly declining health and immediately abandons his plans to stay. he asks leaf to come with him but leaf still isn't finished with med school (she doesn't know she's pregnant yet) and they part ways. crow makes it home to help ashfoot care for deadfoot in his final few months and fills in after his father dies. it's something he didnt plan to continue but its notnlike he HATES doing the work. eventually meets+marries nightcloud a 1-4 yrs later

leaf meanwhile continues med school. being unmarried with kids is still a social taboo, especially at such a young age (im imagining she and squirrel are around 18-19 by now, 17 during the road trip). squirrel and bramble, however, had been in a relationship with one another for a while after coming back home. sure, it got a bit messy when ashfur came back from vietnam and got a bit too close to squirrel for comfort, but they sorta resolved it and eventually bramble/squirrel got engaged. leaf confided in squirrel for her help with the pregnancy and squirrel immediately offered to take the children in as her own if leaf needed. it was a huge jump but leaf took the offer. bramble was let in on the plan the closer leaf got to her due date. he thought it was a very impulsive decision and they fought a bit about making the decision without him but he was enthusiastic about being a father regardless.

the others in town had their suspicions but dont ask dont tell.

theres some other parts i havent fully ironed out yet like where hawkfrost and mothwint come in.

as for the actual lake territories, they coexist with the forest territories by just being in different states LOL windclan and thunderclan's territory was pretty consistent in terms of The Basics so theyre mostly in the same general area (tc is east coast forests, wc is southwest-midwest prairies. theres a lot of cowboys, farmers, and ranchers in "windclan" as a result). shadowclan i can see being in the southern swamps, especially florida or louisiana, and riverclan is kinda interspersed alont the mississippi and ohio rivers. maybe a few along the east coast, too, as the lake territory equivalent. skyclan is probably in the rockies or the redwood forests out west. maybeeee old skyclan is in the appalachias???? idk LOL since the cats are so far apaer now the conflicts are a little less wide scale and more personal if rhat makes any sense at all. of course this whole au is a huge work in progress so some of what i say here may change!

the clans are rural/small/poor towns in my head. tight knit communities that have to rely on each other. kittypets are urban/suburbanites as a contrast and keep the 'kittypets r fucjing spoiled' theme going . you inow the city slicker junk LOL

bloodclan is probably a gang in new york. at least scourge's bloodclan. the other iterations are probably in other huge metropolitan cities. idk what warriorclan is, and the tribe is a whole can of worms im trying to be very careful with so im not gonna talk about them as a whole quite yet other than imply they exist

#micks anthro au #i tried answering this like 2 times but they kept disappearing whej i closed the app....

[fefairys]

I just read up to the breakup with Meenah and Vriska and fuck, i really dislike that whole situation. Got any thoughts you wanna ramble about regarding that?

OKAY I FINALLY GOT HERE IN MY REREAD.

god yes everything involving meenah and (vriska) and the vriska (vriska) confrontation is extremely fascinating to me. mostly because i resonate with a lot of it so hard it hurts. long ass post below. i got very personal lol what can i say. i vriska.

(vriska) goes into people-pleasing mode when she and meenah are alone. it actually reminds me of how she would sometimes act with kanaya. the vulnerability, mainly. but like. its a little different. with kanaya it was more like 'youre the only bitch around here i respect, but im still better than everyone else. i want you to like me but i dont NEED you to! (<-lie)' but with meenah its like 'you are the only person i have and so i have to be good for you so you dont leave me.'

she backs down super easily with meenah. sometimes she does argue for herself, but ultimately she always ends up deferring to meenah. she wants to agree with everything she says. wants her to like her:

^ she doesnt want to say the carnival looks fun until she's gotten meenah's approval. she has to be cool for meenah.

her suggestion gets shot down and she immediately sides with meenah. oh yeah i didnt want to do that anyway in fact i hate horses!

it's tricky, because of some of it seems like actual Character Development, and her getting over some shit. and i definitely think these thinks dont have to be mutually exclusive. she can be realizing things about herself and moving on from them while at the same time falling into habits that are equally unhealthy for a person.

she realizes she used to care way too much about stuff and tries to counter it by not caring at all. she realizes she used to push people around to much and counters it by becoming a pushover herself. this is sickeningly relatable to me.

the scene where meenah convinces her to get a tattoo is a good example of this.

she realizes that a long-held opinion she had is actually kind of bullshit, and that she cared way too much about it for no reason. good job, vriska!

but then she pretty much leaves the actual decision of it up to meenah! she asks meenah to tell her what to do instead of thinking for herself. she justifies it by agreeing that she loves pirate stuff anyway! shes trying to make up for a lifetime of bossing people around by asking someone else to boss her around. and she convinces herself that this is making her happy! and i mean it definitely is, in a way. it feels good to feel liked by someone. to have the approval of someone you look up to. it is making her happy. but is that... good for her? i dont know! it doesn't feel good to me.

this stuff is hitting me extremely close to home on this reread because i like JUST came upon the revolution that i kinda did this? not to this extreme polarity, but it still resonates.

i was (kind of am still, it's in my nature) a very bossy and controlling person, and i lost an entire circle of friends because they were rightfully tired of me telling them what to do and being so self-righteous all the time. so when trying to make new friends after that, i turned on people-pleaser mode. and i'm kind of still stuck there and trying to strike a balance between being a doormat people-pleaser and being a huge bitch that wants everyone to behave how *i* want them to. it is a hard balance to strike. its hard knowing when i should stand up and say something and when i should let something go, so most often i let things go. and OFTENTIMES i live to regret it. "i should have said something" is something i've been finding myself thinking A LOT in recent months...

and its tricky, because it feels good when people i respect say they approve of me. i feel happy that someone likes me. but sometimes that has come at the cost of sacrificing parts of myself. and it can feel good in the moment, to feel connected to someone like that, but then one day you wake up full of dread because you dont know who the fuck you are anymore. (vriska) didn't really ever get to that point, or, she never voiced it. vriska points out that shes become an entirely different person, but she does it in a way that uhhh fucking sucks lol! and is not helpful, because vriska's not exactly doing great, herself! she shows off her hypocrisy DELICIOUSLY in this scene.

she calls (vriska) selfish for.... being dead, essentially. and she justifies all her own selfish actions with it being "for the greater good," just as she always has. this is par for the course with vriska

^ i looooove this part right here where she sidesteps the fact that she did in fact plan to go fight jack but john punched her in the face to stop her. "different shit happened!" (i actually made the exact same decisions as you, but an outside force changed things and now i feel superior to you because i got a serendipitous opportunity that you didnt)

this whole conversation hits hard with me. it literally sounds similar to conversations ive had with myself! it's hard to not want to side with (vriska) i mean she does feel like the more reasonable one in this conversation and has had more time to think and reflect on herself, and vriska is being a fucking asshole about it, but like, i don't think either of them is exactly Right?

like, vriska has a bit of a point that (vriska) doesnt seem to notice that she's gone people-pleaser mode. but (vriska) thinks this is what happiness is. she despises her old self who was obsessed with inserting herself into everything and feeling the need to be The Best and prove herself as such, to catastrophic outcomes. so of course she wants to separate herself from that as much as possible and strive to become the opposite of it. someone who doesnt care about shit, and who lets other people make decisions for her instead of her making the decisions for everyone against their will. i think (vriska) was on the right track, but just couldn't really... Get There without the right support. and meenah was definitely not the right support.

but anyways like. vriska yelling at (vriska) at how disgusted she is with her is so sickeningly similar to me, looking back and realizing that i used to like.. stand up for myself more. if someone said some shit i didnt like i TOLD them i had a problem. i didn't let people push me around. and i think god, what happened to me? i became a weak loser that bends to peoples idea of what i should be instead of being myself. am i really happy?

but its not like i was better off before, either. vriska still isn't right. yeah i didnt let people boss me around, because i bossed THEM around. when i told people i had a problem with them i was MEAN about it. i said rude shit unnecessarily. i made everything about me and didn't care about what other people thought.

my past self and my "current" self (maybe like, my 'a few months ago self' i like to think im working through it but im still having trouble lol) are disgusted with each other. im disgusted that i used to straight up bully people all the time, and past me is disgusted that i seemed to have stopped having convictions, that i let other people decide who i should be, etc.

neither of them are really happy, but (vriska) sure seems a lot kinder, at least. she's made progress, but in a way that benefits other people more than it does herself.

also i love vriska saying "what happened to not letting shit get to you because you always knew you were better than the one slinging it" that is such utter bullshit. she is ALWAYS letting stuff get to her. all of her god damn actions are because she lets stuff get to her. everything she does is to prove herself. the cycle of revenge shit?? yeah totally didn't let it get to you. thats why you killed aradia and blinded terezi. because you were just so totally better than them and not letting it get to you. this stuff:

yeah. letting it roll off your back. lol

anyways back to meenah and (vriska)

meenah recognizes this vulnerability in (vriska) and it scares her. she does the whole "im abandoning you... for your own good..." thing, which... sucks! as you said, this whole situation just fucken sucks, man.

(vriska) basically admits that at this point, without meenah, she's lost. she let meenah mold her into what she wanted, and to lose her would be to lose herself.

but i mean i don't think there was another way this could've gone. (vriska) was essentially meenah's rebound after aranea (and vriska is her rebound after (vriska) lol) and it's just.. ALL bad. its just... everyone here has such deep personal issues that they cant help but let effect each other, yknow? meenah realizes that her issues are effecting (vriska) and thinks that removing herself from the situation is best. maybe it is? it turns out okay for (vriska) in the end, at least. as "okay" as she can possibly get, i guess.

i don't know. there's a lot here! it all just hurts and sucks. teens, man. how it is.

this is just my (very personal, frankly) interpretation of the events, idk. i think i said a lot here without actually saying anything all that substantial, as i feel like i tend to do. i just resonate with vriska really hard, what and you gave me an opportunity to ramble about it lol

#asks #enviousennui #sams reading homestuck again #vriska #(vriska) #meenah

[akunya]

hi ! i miraculously stumbled upon your account and can i just say wow ! its super organised and very entertaining , lets keep going okay ? i was hoping to request vox x gn or male , which ever you prefer. the idea i had was for vox and reader to do it for the first time in their relationship ? just for them to take another step and get to know each other more :) kink wise i suppose vox would be more of a teasing dom but still gentle with his lover. sorry if this is so long !! i hope this finds you well :D have a great day ! i hope we can be friends bc once again wow 🤩 okay ٩(ര̀ᴗര́)ᵇʸᵉ

so i kind of went completely off request here and made it trans m!reader instead. hopefully thats alright.

“my pretty little human boy!”

pairings: vox akuma / trans m!reader

summary: you're sad again. vox wants to show you that you are loved. tw: afab!reader. self hate, internalized transphobia (?), daddy kink, exhibitionism, groping, size difference. fluff.

notes: its rare for me to write something this sappy, but i havent had the best day today. writing this was a good outlet. i hope someone enjoys my word vomit.

also, i appreciate the kind words! thank you for sending a request. she/her + she/they + fem aligned/women DNI.

you stared at your body in the mirror, fingers pinching at the extra skin on your tummy that formed the soft rolls your boyfriend loved to grab. however, unlike his hands, yours were not filled with adoration or love: they squeezed and scratched at your skin with hate and frustration. your lover was waiting in the bedroom for you to come out - and possibly take your relationship to the next level together -while you were nearly at the brink of tears in the bathroom a few feet away from him.

you couldn't comprehend how your boyfriend could love such an average looking human like yourself. the voice demon could have anyone he chooses, and yet for some reason, his eyes laid on you. no matter how many times he reassured you that you were the most beautiful being on earth to him, your brain couldn't process the idea at all.

your hands wandered up to your chest, your face scrunching in disgust as you groped yourself. vox said he didn't care about your chest, telling you it didn't make you any less of a man. sometimes, he'd tell stories about people in his clan who also identified the same way just like yourself. while hearing his fond retellings of the people dear to him that he had lost thousands of years ago, there was a pit in your stomach that only grew whenever you looked at your body for too long. of course, vox admitted that while he would never be able to understand the feelings you were going through, he would support you with whatever decision you'd make. your boyfriend really was the greatest. you didnt deserve him. he deserved a real man to be by his side, not whatever hot mess you were.

"are you alright, honey? you've been in there for a while." vox knocked on the bathroom door, snapping you out of your thoughts. the huge mirror in the bathroom was both a blessing and a curse. eyes glued on your reflection, you didnt have time to react quickly enough when vox turned the doorknob and let himself inside. you cursed under your breath - of course you forgot to lock the door. how stupid could you be? the taller mans eyes widened, even though you had pulled your shirt down as fast as you could his sharp eyes caught everything.

"why did you have your shirt up before? having fun without me, hm?" vox joked with a smile on his face, but it quickly faded when he saw your frown. "hey, whats wrong? is everything alright?" the man cupped your small face in his hands, thumb swiping the stray tear that rolled down your cheek. you had no choice but to look up at him, every bone in your body screaming at you not to start sobbing in front of your partner. now that would be something you'd never be able to live down.

vox pulled you in for a hug, shushing and cooing at you. because of your height difference, your face was pressed against his chest, his arms gently holding you close. he hated seeing you like this. you were his little dove, his treasure, and seeing you on the brink of tears made him sad too. you sniffled a bit, the urge to cry stronger than your self restraint as you sobbed into his haori. "sshh, its alright darling. let it out." vox had rubbed your back lovingly, cradling you close as if you would break.

after a few minutes of silence, you finally pulled away from his chest, quickly wiping away your tears. the demon looked at your reflection in the mirror, causing you to look as well. his arms had practically engulfed your form, a small smile on his face. if it weren't for your tear stained face, it would be the perfect mirror picture of you two. "im sorry for keeping you waiting for so long. i didn't mean to get caught up." vox could sense the guilt filling your heart, squeezing your shoulders affectionately. "dont worry about it, really. im more concerned about you, dear. what happened?" vox's hands started running through your hair, scratching at your scalp with his long nails just like he knew how you liked it. you had started to explain how you were trying to get ready before going back to him (he chuckled at your inability to say you two were going to have sex, but decided not to tease you further), but had stopped to look at yourself in the mirror. your thoughts got the better of you and you ended up becoming engrossed in staring at your body, which you usually did. vox had turned you both around, your body in the same position it was when you were alone, except now he was behind you. seriously, when did he get so tall? "sometimes i feel like i dont deserve you. youre way too nice to someone like me.."

"y/n, shush. as much as i love hearing your wonderful voice speak, that is not true at all. i love my cute boy very much." he had turned your head to stare at the both of you in the mirror, blushing a bit when his hands started to wander. they landed on your hips first, holding you snug against himself. "you have the cutest hips. so what if they dont look like a model on a magazine? theyre gorgeous, and perfect for me to hold." vox emphasized his sentence with a little squeeze, making you laugh softly. your hips were a bit curvier than a mans, but vox didnt seem to mind.

he continued, hands squeezing the small chub of your tummy gently. he grinned, resting his head atop yours. "my boy's cute little tummy. so soft and perfect for me to lay on. abs are overrated anyways, i dont understand why you humans are so obsessed with them." you could feel the adoration spilling from his fingertips with every squeeze and caress he had given your body, and embarrassingly enough, it was turning you on. "and these.." vox slowly and carefully squeezed your chest, not wanting to hurt or upset you. you couldn't help the whimper that left your lips, the demons affection making your head spin. ".. are just as perfect as the rest of you, baby boy." he pinched your nipples with his fingers, your body on display in front of the mirror for him. he would spend the rest of his days showering his little pet in all of the affection you wanted, worshipping you every hour. "my handsome little man. you're beautiful even if you don't think so."

vox kissed the top of your head, still slowly massaging and playing with your chest as you whined. you didn't know why your brain did stupid things, but you were glad your boyfriend whisked those worries away. for being a demon, his heart was pure and made of gold. vox made a mental note to contact a certain sorcerer friend of his and see if theres any magic that could help with your appearance. while he loved you as you looked now, he'd love you just as much, if not more after any surgery you wanted to have. he ironically trusted taboo sorcery more than whatever doctors roamed the earth in this decade.

he chuckled when he noticed you rubbing your thighs together, nipples perky from all of the attention he had been drowning you in. "needy, baby?" you nodded, maybe a bit too enthusiastically but you didnt care anymore. watching vox toy with you this entire time, and seeing his devilish smirk look at your squirming body felt like torture. he laughed, hand slipping underneath your boxers. "let daddy show you how much he really loves you, okay?" you hummed in response, yanking his shirt collar and kissing his cheek.

god, he loved his little human so much.

#vox akuma x male reader #vox akuma x m!reader #vox akuma x reader #vox akuma #luxiem x you #luxiem #luxiem x m!reader #luxiem x male reader #luxiem x reader #my fics.. #nijisanji x reader #nijisanji en x reader #nijisanji en #nijisanji #nijisanji en x m!reader #nijisanji en x male reader #male reader blog #male reader #mlm x reader #mlm blog #trans reader #ftm reader #trans!reader #vox akuma x ftm trans!reader #luxiem x trans!male reader #vox akuma x trans!male reader #nijisanji en x trans!male reader

[nikethestatue]

When you said: "But somehow, the fact that Azriel and Elain actually shared their powers with each other, when she ‘stepped out of the shadow’ and killed the King, with Azriel’s mysterious magical dagger, which ‘always strikes true’ and which he’d never allowed anyone to even touch, let alone use, is just a coincidence then?

Her power was exactly the same--maybe even more--as his, during the War. They were both on the battlefield, he was likely protecting her with his shadows, but she moved stealthily and delivered the deathly blow to the King." Elain and Az didn't share powers. No one said anything, no one mentioned Elain having Az's powers and he didn't either. Not even in his own pov. Yeah, Elain stepped out of a shadow but Azriel wasn't even present and we already know his shadows vanish around her so I really doubt they were protecting her. Elain is a seer, she has nothing to do with shadowsinger's powers and she hates darkness. This isn't canon, you're making all of this up. Also, Cassian offered Elain a weapon too and she denied it, but Azriel insisted and that's why she took it, because he made her, but then she gave it to him WITHOUT LOOKING BACK. It's written in the book, that is canon. I also hate how you try to make everything related to Elain about Az, let her have a personality for once. Geez.

Anon, I had a long ass day at work, but I will address this, though I don't really feel like arguing.

Firstly, they both share predictive powers--that's at the most basic level. She is a seer, who sees the future, and other visions, he has his shadows which have predictive abilities. THat's why he is so valuable, because his shadows know what will happen and give him a few moments' glance into the future. (That's per Rhys, who explained what a shadowsinger is to Feyre in ACOMAF)

That's A. You never found it curious that it was Azriel who understood what her affliction was? He was the one who proclaimed her to be a Seer. Interesting how he, of all people, and not her mate, not a High Lord, and not a 15,000 year old Angel of Death could tell what was up with her, but Azriel could.

Therefore, on the most basic level, their powers are at least complimentary.

There is also something to be said about that commonality, because we dont know the extent of their powers at all. We dont know why and how he is capable of things no one else is capable of, and we know that being a Seer is not her only power. As in: Cassian telling Nesta that Azriel can do a lot of things and that he is 'different', and Elain needing to dust off her powerS (plural) if she was going to go look for the Trove objects.

Which brings me to the TT exchange.

a. He could've given her any dagger or any weapon to protect herself, if that was the only reason he was giving her a weapon

b. She didnt take Cassian's and was in fact very uncomfortable with it. Yet with Azriel, she didn't protest--just said that she didn't know how to use it.

c. Then, this girl, who doesn't know how to use a dagger, and who didn't even want to touch someone else's, goes and murders a King with it. Curious, isn't? (I guess not to you, though)

d. Azriel CHOSE to give the dagger to Elain. And as I said before, the dagger which no one's ever touched before, worked in Elain's slim fingers and produced a fatal blow to the King.

e. At the very very least, it means that Azriel and Elain could both wield a Made object. Which again, unites them in their powers. Cassian, for example, cannot wield Ataraxia.

f. What is repeated again and again in the books? 'like calls to like'. Something in Elain called to Azriel and told him to give her the dagger. And that was the knowledge that the dagger would obey her and work with/for her.

g. Azriel, when he gave her the dagger, specifically told her that he won't be using it that day, and that he wanted her to have it. Why was he so convinced that he wouldn't use it? It was a huge, decisive battle which even though he was recovering after his wounds, he knew he'd participate in. So, how did he KNOW that he wouldn't be using the dagger? But that SHE would? Circling back to that predictive power that they both seem to share. He somehow knew that he could weaken himself and give up the dagger to her, because in her hands, it would 'strike true'. (Again, why do you think it was included in the text?)

h. That's what power sharing is--it's complimentary. it's not always the exact same powers. It's how they could be exchanged and worked together. For example, Aelin had fire, and Rowan had wind. Yet they worked together, when they needed to, even though their powers are fundamentally different.

i. Elain giving back the dagger is perfectly normal--it was given to her ONLY for that day. He said it himself 'i won't be using it TODAY'. He didn't say 'i don't want it anymore, so you can have it'. That's exactly what happened. She used the dagger and then she gave it back.

j. Nowhere does it say that she hates darkness (that's you making things up, not me). She likes sunshine, but it doesn't mean she hates darkness. Her home is the NIGHT Court.

k. Shadows vanish when she is with Azriel. Because the shadows don't need to protect him from her. His comfort level and security with her is so high, that the shadows aren't needed. However, it doesn't mean that he wouldn't have the shadows protect her when he is not with her. The shadows protected them all in Hybern, during the rescue, for example.

l. Finally, in his pov, Azriel wasn't thinking about their powers. He was thinking about sex. No one WOULD say anything about them sharing powers, if they don't know that they did. Elain obviously downplayed the whole King incident, and Nesta happily accepted the accolades. There is a mystery surrounding the entire episode--how she snuck up on the king, why did she step out of the shadows, how she even managed to thrust a dagger into his throat. The only 2 people who know are Elain and Azriel.

m. lastly, if you dont think that the TT scene is important, Sarah Janet Maas would disagree with you. She included it in the colouring book, as the definitive Azriel and Elain moment.

n. There are 2 extremely important Azriel and Elain moments in the series--the rescue from Hybern, which is repeated in every book, sometimes multiple times. And the exchange between them, when he gave her TT.

I am running out of letters in the alphabet, but I think i've made my point pretty clear.

PS I don't make shit up. If I argue anything, it's always supported in canon. Unlike headcanons and fantasies of some others here.

#azriel and elain #elriel #pro elriel

[nahalism]

Did you ever experience some kind of…almost debilitating anxiety? I’m talking of months or + gnawed and exhausted by fear and both mental and physical sensations that come with it. How did/do you move through it

luv

a long one in advance but lol yh bare times. ill answer ur question, but there's two sides to the route i took and i have 2 preface with everything i did and do is based off of what i feel is right for me at the time. it doesnt mean its right though, and im very aware of that, so ill share some parts, but ultimately each person has is their own experience. the first step to moving through something, is looking for answers so like.. deeper than whatever i have to say, the answer is not in my answer, its in the fact u want answers

anyway. throwback to 6 ish years ago, i was having a breakdown breakthru and i started viewing what i called anxiety, as hyper vigilance. i started to see i was using a way of perceiving reality, along with my ability for analysis, to create correlations between my present, based on my perception of the past, to determine/predict the future (both futile and fallible), not cause i wanted to know what was going to happen, but because i thought keeping account of all possible outcomes gave me control and control would keep me safe and stop me experiencing a version of life i didnt want to go back to (more specifically it stopped me feeling helpless & inconsequential). as i understood that, along with the traumas at the root of my hyper vigilance, and the anxiety (social and general cause they r v separate), i recognised that i wanted control because i wasn't confident i could take charge or respond to reality without immense preparation. on top of that, i was resisting the fact that i was anxious because i was calling the symptoms i was experiencing my anxiety, but the real anxiety was the way i thought, and i was actually addicted to thinking in that way, because even though i hated it, and what it did to my body/nervous system, it was protecting my ego by giving me a false sense of control.

so that was my first step. i began to take action from where i was, as i was. that meant listening to what made me anxious. for example, if a place or person made me anxious, i didnt interact or go. i validated myself and what i was feeling. & i dont mean that in an avoidant sense, ill say why in a second. but yeah i validated what i was feeling, and began to see that the more i gave myself permission to be who i was, and do what i wanted unapologetically, the less direct anxiety id experience. and that sounds like an easy decision to have made in hindsight but usually, the change a persons anxious to make is something that in the moment requires a huge leap of faith but seems inevitable in hindsight. anyway, that's when i really realised that i was anxious because i was living an inauthentic life based on premeditation rather than presence. i had/have concurrent ptsd, so there were a lot of emotions i hadn't felt in a long time without realising, like passion or genuine laughter, happiness, joy, peace. id literally forgotten anything but this autopilot need to protect myself, be there for the people that had been there for me and stay alive. in giving myself permission to be different from who i had been, i started to see the world free from what my past dictated it should be and everything started to open up as as a consequence. side note, id been studying metaphysics and philosophy since 6 form, and i can't underestimate how much the principles i learned there helped me transmute my situation. ive recommended all those books in here before, so u can find them, but yeah . it sounds pretty and idyllic and as essy as 'changing my mind' but it was fucking brutal. i transformed in every sense of the word i lost almost everything in the process. there were wins along the way but 90% of them were silver linings of my own deciding. however, nothing i lost needed to stay! and everything i chose to go through or was subjected to led me to understand me and opened options as to how i could cultivate a beautiful and real inner life that eventually began to bleed out into the 'real' world.

the dark side of that, which is how i reached most of those revelations and insights, is the experiential bit that i can't communicate. i literally put myself through hell, and i can type till my fingers fall of and still never convey the full picture of how what why when, but yh. when i said i listened to my anxiety, i meant that literally. as i said before, i didnt allow myself to be avoidant. so if there was a reason i didnt want to do something, i honoured it, but lets say the only obstacle to me doing something was my anxiety, id force myself to do it, to the point of masochism. literally, i was obsessed. day in day out i was reading on self improvement, i studied every religion, researched philosophers, listened to hour long lectures on youtube, i did everything i could do to understand myself, my mind, life, and how to reprogram what i was experiencing. at the same time as this i used to myself in situations that would trigger panic attacks, or dissociative episodes and find ways to 'function' through it. one that worked very well was smoking weed, sometimes alone, sometimes in bad company. weed gave me severe panic attacks at the time, so when i was on my own, id smoke to induce panic attacks so i could meditate, breathe, draw, write, literally do whatever helped to bring myself through the panic attack. then when i felt capable with that, id smoke in bad company and practice with the pressure of being in front of people and there would be times id b having full blown panic attacks in front of people, sometimes with, but usually without them knowing and the whole time was just training myself to understand or pay attention to my mental patterns, training myself to calm myself down, to reach a zone where i could see through what was triggering me, or at the very least just firm it. and the more i did that, the more i understood why i was dissociating, or collapsing, or having chest pains, hyperventilating all that shit. the more i understood, the more i reeeaaally understood, and then i got to a point where even though the trigger is there lol, it still exists, but when it gets pulled i can hold the explosion. because i feel it happening, i see it happening, but it happens to something within me and not to me now? and so i kind of watch it and love and appreciate it for what learning to temper it taught me. its like a familiar old friend has its quirks that i wouldn't change for the world and yh idk im just rambling i need to go to bed. but basically i stopped being debilitated by anxiety by living in complete debilitation of it until it couldn't debilitate me any more. id be lying if i didnt say it drove me to very dark, lonely, appearance of being semi crazy states of being, but it was worth it and still is.

without the period of isolation the second half of what i described put me through, i couldnt have found realignment cause i wouldnt have seen how incorrect my projection of my past onto the future was, or how to correct it. & deep it, if all u know is death misery lack poverty shortage economic & social insecurity, then all u can see for the future is that. once u open ur eyes and see urself and the world for what is u can start playing. it wasnt easy, and im still not over being anxious. but its not debilitating, just an uneasy emotion. & the way i see it at this point, its just my inner system seeing something what my eyes dont & making me aware. when i listen im redirected, and can find alignment. when i dont it gets worse, and the only way out is to be numb. but i wanna live and i cant live numb. hope i answered, love <3

#ask

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

okay i cannot emphasize on how hard chapter 18-19 of nature has taught her creatures to hate made me cry. jon being an impressionable kid and relearning how to be a person with the help of gerry is so, so fucking sweet, and despite not making it out of the institute, what happened mattered anyway. gerry’s actions and resolve still matter even if they didnt reach their goal. and its like. what the fuck.

what fucked me up even more was gerry seeing this kid younger than him and deciding he can *never* be selfish when it comes to jon. he needs to be someone jon can look up to and rely on. but like. hes also just a kid. its horrible, its horrible all the way around, but when you find love in horror you cling as hard and fast as you can until your nails rip off. gerry is just such a good person, man.

I love so much TMA's theme of "the choices you make, even the unfair ones, are the ones that matter." It's this horrible monkey paw situation. It's not that they're utterly helpless in the face of the horrors--in fact, the horrors sometimes can't touch you unless you make the choice to let them. But they can do truly horrible things to guide your choice. It's like Michael--you have to be the one to open its door, but it doesn't have to play fair to get you to do it.

Gerry and Jon fail, back when they're kids. But they still chose each other in the face of horrible consequences. They still chose to love and sacrifice for someone else. And I think that that will always matter.

It's the one thing that Elias can never take from Jon, and believe me--he's tried. Elias can make the choice as unfair and painful as he wants. But it's still Jon's choice in the end. And Jon chooses Gerry. He chooses to love. And that's not nothing.

As to the second thing, I really think the sheer existence of Jon was a total role reversal for Gerry and really just a sign of how good of a person he is.

(I know there’s a lot of debate as to whether he’s the major character death tagged, I’m using present tense because i had to pick a tense but I will leave the mystery of whether he’s alive or not up to y’all the tenses in this post mean nothing).

Gerry is so fucking angry by the time he meets Jon. He’s at this point in his life where he’s in a horrible, abusive, metaphysically terrifying situation that he just can’t find his way out of. He’s tried asking for help, and people chose not to help him. And that’s important—they chose to do it. It’s not that they couldn’t overcome his mother; they explicitly decided to not help him.

The theme of choices and their importance in TMA is, again, just such a huge motif, and it’s no different here. And, moreover, Gerry knows about the importance of choices—his mother raised him to understand them. It is a huge, looming, unshakeable fact in Gerry’s mind at this point: the choices people make matter, and for some reason, everyone chooses to leave him to unspeakable suffering.

Roles are another important thing in TMA—and Gerry very squarely occupies one as the person reaching out for help. He is never the person in the position to offer it, at least not at this point in his life. He is never truly been confronted with the same decision of helping someone being abused that he has proffered others, again and again and again.

He has been dancing along the edges of that decision, however, and he is absolutely fucking terrified that he will make the same one that everyone makes with him. In his statement, he mentioned his mother’s victims—that she stopped hiding them after he tried to turn her in, and that he always told himself that it was too late, they were already dead, and there was nothing he could do.

He also mentions he was lying to himself.

Now, in truth, there really wasn’t anything he could do to help them. His mom really could and would have overwhelmed him, and by the time he saw them, they would have died even if he got them to a hospital. But he still made the choice not to try, and that’s important, and that is a part of himself that Gerry has never been able to forget no matter how hard he tries.

And then there's Jon.

At the start of their friendship, Gerry is so extremely convinced that Jon and he are occupying the same role. Jon is the kid trapped in this world, who no one helps.

It is not until he finds out that Elias made him an avatar that things change.

It's like this: Gerry and Jon are both two kids in a wildly dangerous situation. Their respective adults have brought them down to the edge of the deepest pool in the world. There's no lifeguard on duty, no safety rails, no life vests, and neither of them have been taught to swim. The ground is slick and people slip often, and if you fall in, you will never be able to climb out again.

Gerry knows, viscerally, that his mother has put him in a situation where he is probably going to drown. But, at the very least, she's warned him not to run--even though she forces him to walk at a hazardously fast pace.

Gerry thought that was Jon. Elias brought him to the edge, told him to keep up, and looked on when he fell in and died painfully. Jon was just the less lucky version of Gerry. Both of them have constantly ran the risk of being eaten, but Jon just happened to be the one that got swallowed. He was suffering the terrible fate that Gerry was fully expecting to befall him.

But then Gerry finds out that Elias made him an avatar on purpose. And that's different from what happened to Gerry. Gerry's mother introduced him to the risk of drowning, but Elias held Jon beneath the waves and waited until he stopped struggling.

Gerry realized, then, that, for the first time, he was the guy that could turn a blind eye. He was every single person who had ever turned their back on him.

And it would have been easy for him to do the same thing.

Because while Gerry had realized that there was a difference between him and Jon, Jon hadn't realized the same thing. Jon was not asking Gerry for help. At the time Gerry decided to save him, Jon wasn't aware that he could be saved. Gerry could have kept on the same way they were going before he knew, and Jon would have never once thought the worse of him.

And besides, the Institute, Elias, and the Eye were all incredibly dangerous. Gerry knew he would risk a horrible, painful fate if he went up against them. He had every single reason to not risk what he did.

He could have turned a blind eye, and the only one who would have paid the price was Jon.

Gerry was a little boy in a terrible situation who found a littler boy in a worse situation, and he decided that he needed to be for Jon everyone he never had. Gerry was a kid, and was trying to force himself to walk in some very adult shoes. Jon was just so incredibly fucked up when they ran that he was completely unaware of how wrong things were, and Gerry ended up shouldering a huge amount of the burden of keeping them on track. The car could have been actively on fire in a hurricane and Jon still would have counted it as better than where he was before; Gerry knew why Jon was like this and loved him more than anything, but at the end of the day, he was still very young and very afraid and spent most of the time wanting to cry. It was unequivocally the best part of his life, and he spent most of it wanting to cry.

It was horrible, and it was unfair, but it mattered. The choices that they made in those moments made Gerry Keay and Jonathan Sims more than any single thing Elias ever did, and it mattered.

#jonathan sims #gerard keay #gerry keay #nhthcth #i love them so much #they were such good boys #they loved each other so much #i cannot emphasize that part enough #jon and gerry had every single reason to stop loving and stop living and they still both cared about a scared little boy in a bad situation #there's no entity of love or hope but it still can be the most radical thing to hold to in the face of overbearing fear

[readyandnot]

ready rambles~ sovereign state season one finale

part one thoughts

spoilers under the cut:

wow. just, wow.

i haven’t done one of these in a long time, but i wanted to say my thoughts on the finale because it’s a huge deal.

• first of all, the dreaming AGAIN. the meridian is not letting up! at this point starlight has to know that avior is telling the truth.

• then, the meeting. god damn this hurt. we are truly seeing avior fall apart, he’s known to be the collected intelligent inchoate, and keeps his composure, but after his confession we really are seeing him fall apart and lose himself. he’s not the same, and it’s heartbreaking.

• I LOVE THAT HES FIGURING OUT WHATS HAPPENING. i wanted him or starlight to for so long, and it’s nice to hear avior’s thought process and him eliminating possibilities and his theory on why him and starlight are still here. i’m so glad we’re seeing them finally figure this out.

• him losing it BROKE ME. his desperation to get out but also wanting to keep starlight safe no matter what is such a bittersweet contrast. but starlight is stubborn, and i’m so glad that avior accepts that he cannot and should not control starlight’s decisions.

• the whole existential talk got me too, as someone who hates talking about it, it’s fascinating seeing how avior asked questions like that when he first coalesced to how he feels about it now. with how daemons live forever compared to humans, the idea that him and starlight could live together forever in this hell, than have something temporary in the real world… wow.

• THE WALK THERE. GOD DAMMIT. I KNEW HE WAS GONNA SAY “for the person i love”, I KNEW IT. I HATE THAT I KNEW IT. he truly loves and cares for starlight, and the fact that he cannot do anything but be there for them is literally tearing him apart as he put it. the whole idea that he wants to fall apart but literally THE MERIDIAN IS KEEPING HIM THERE, hurts.

• THE HUGGGGG THEY BOTH NEEDED THAT.

i’d like to believe that starlight said to him, “I care for you too Avior, and I believe you.” IN MY OPINION AT LEAST BECAUSE IT MAKES SENSE TO HOW AVIOR RESPONDED.

• god i’m just imagining a shot of them facing away from each other, both in tears, fuck i wish i could draw so i could show that!!!!

• ID ALSO LIKE TO THINK THAT STARLIGHT SAID “Thank you, Avior.” UGHHHHH

• now iykyk but i hate cliffhangers lol but i knew it was gonna happen. BUT GOD IF IT DIDNT SCARE ME ON HOW IT ENDED.

• the voices that are in the dreams, and them being the same ones in the meridian, IT LITERALLY FELT LIKE A HORROR MOVIE. “be with me, us.” DIJDJSJKSKS

“child of land-“

overall, this was beautiful. heartbreakingly beautiful. it was a brilliant set up into the next two parts and i’m so excited (and terrified) for the next two parts. WE’LL FINALLY LEARN WTF THE MERIDIAN WANTS WITH THEM!!!!

redacted you’d done it again, you talented mf.

here’s to the believers for a happy ending o7

#readyrambles #redacted asmr #redacted audio #redacted avior #redacted starlight

[lollitree]

Your tags under the pokemon poll are SO TRUEE and it hurts how many people dont understand that

I grew up in the change from pixel art to 3D and have nostalgia for bw, xy AND sm. So i think because of that, I can see the good and bad in all the games but don't feel like any of them 'peaked''. They're all different games, so they are really hard to compare.

On a related note tho, its so sad to see so many fans praise one of my childhood games and not the others. And like, I get it because gen 5 is more similar to what they grew up with.....but every time I say I love xy, sm and even swsh i get told they are terrible and usually imply that I shouldnt like them :/

That only happens online, though......irl all the fans ive met, no matter their ages, just say something like 'i didnt like it, but i'm glad you did!'. Growing up in irl fan spaces and having to move online during corona was AN EXPERIENCE omg

Yeah! It's super interesting how much we are affected by nostaglia.

There's usually a pattern you can notice with this stuff too. There are two lines that go up as time goes on. The one everyone talks about as being great and the newer one people hate on, usually to do with nostalgia of the now older original audience of the game.

My full reply got long so putting it under a read more skfjsh

My first Pokemon game was Colosseum, so gen 2/3 pokemon and gen 3 sound effects are pretty nostalgic to me.

Then I grew up mostly playing Diamond/Platinum/PMD2/Ranger2. I LOVED Team Galactic. I restarted the games so many times just so I could play through the story again with Cyrus and the Galactic Grunt theme. (I have also played through pmd2 many many times). I remember in my early teens seeing people on the internet hating on DPPt a lot and it making me sad. I recall someone saying that the gen 4 Pokemon sucked and I remember thinking "aw I guess they're right, some of these pokemon are really boring or annoying" and then I learned later that the pokemon I was thinking of were all gen 1 pokemon sdfkjsh

Gen 5 was hated when it first came out because it wasn't very fun for new players. I bet it also didn't help that the advertising for B2W2 was pretty poor and also came out after the 3DS did. I didn't even know it was a sequel until years later. That's why they went in the complete opposite direction for gen 6, and added gimmicks!

I have heard multiple people call the designs from gen 5 horrible over the years (And they're all wrong). Those comments are nowhere NEAR as frequent now, but they almost always come from people with nostalgia for the ones they grew up with.

I was 13 when BW first came out. I think I've only beaten it once, MAYBE twice. I'm not entirely sure why, because I was still replaying DPPt a lot. I would guess it's because the game is super linear in terms of gameplay and every playthrough will start exactly the same. You don't really get to make decisions on your team and how you play until later. Kid me loved the beginning of the main pokemon games the most because they were the most fun bits to play usually. So I suppose when you've already played it once, the beginning becomes quite boring.

And to compare. I did not like XY when it first came out. I was 16 and very against change and also my fav types at the time were dark and dragon so fairy type was the worst thing ever. I said previously that I really liked Team Galactic, so Team Flare was just a bootleg version of them to me. BUT I did immediately replay the game when I finished it. The character customisation plus the huge dex gives the game a lot of replayability. Because while I didn't like a lot about the game it was still fun to play, and it was the first time online was really accessible to me. I went back to 2013/2014 on my blog and there's SO much positivity about the game it's amazing! Over time people only remembered the bad parts and started hating it. I bet there'll be an influx of nostalgia for it before long. We can even see it in the hope people have for SV having Kalos DLC.

I need to replay sun/moon or play USUM because in my brain currently it sucks. But I'm very aware that that's because I only played it once, it's been years, and I played it when I started to grow out of Pokemon. So I'm excited to play it again now that I can appreciate it better. (Also the Sun/Moon anime is my fav so I have a lot of love for the characters now)

And finally, I loved SWSH! I didn't finish it the first time I tried to play it. Mostly because I spent HOURS trying to get a shiny hatenna before doing the fire gym skdfjhs. But then I SPED through the game with a bug type only run before Legends came out and I really enjoyed the story! One of those things that's more enjoyable if you're only focused on enjoying the story (and playing the game through with a joltik as the lead and trying to make sure they stay strong enough to beat the game with pfft) Also Leon was the first ever Champion I actually thought was cool and enjoyed seeing while playing the game (as ridiculous as his outfit is)

If I were to logically plot out the best for me based on how nostalgia works and taking into consideration that public opinion ABSOLUTELY influences me. I would have said BW was the best and XY(or SM) was the downfall, even though I had way more fun playing XY than BW as a kid

#pokemon #boy that got long #I really wanted to be transparent in sharing my own nostalgia #ACTUALLY I HAVE BEAT BW TWICE #I forgot I played it in pokeMMO with my friend like 5 years ago #it's WAY more fun in that because you get follower pokemon and I got to play with my friend #also they let you reset EVs after you beat the game so it's more balanced in that regard #man I need to play USUM soon #I want to play with a cutiefly now that I'm not a grumpy old man and don't hate fairy type #also I didn't mention it in the post because it wasn't relevant to my point but I love XY now through exposure I love it all dksbfk #Ive done so kuch research and Im so gutted at the wasted potential it really needed a 3rd version #also with the pokemas villain arc I can now officially say I like lysandre #love a villain who doesn't lie it's such an interesting trait for someone keeping quiet about wanting to murder millions of people

[lucyskywalker]

Im personally not a huge Taylor fan, but my heart is acheing for her as it is acheing for the fans. Im feeling bad after all the things that is happening in my homeland with something that should be special for Taylor and the Swifties here on Brasil, especially the hate comments from her so called "fans".

Now I can understand the frustation after the concert was post poned lasting 1h to start after literally TONS of fans were waiting outside the estagium on a termic sensation of 50°C.

I get that people were waiting for literal years to see her.

I know there are hundreds of fans whom cant stay on Rio for so long because they have work to do on monday and/or cant afford another passage or an hotel room, and wont be capable to be on the concert after spending 500-1000 reais on a ticket. Sometimes even more.

I understand the frustration. The anger. I understand the pain.

I am not going to say it is not fair, because it is.

But I gotta say, it is NOT Taylor's fault.

It is not Taylor Swift who decided there would be a massive heat wave on Brasil wich literally got on historical books as the hottest day on the state of Rio de Janeiro after around 1000 yrs.

It is not Taylor's fault that a girl passed away.

It is not Taylor's fault that 1000 fans on the crew fainted because of the heat.

And I am saying this because there are really people blaming her. And these things were not on her control.

If you want a closer note to understand how precary the situation was on the first day: the termic sensation inside the Estagium reached: 62°C, what is near of 140°f. And for real, I cant fully comprehend how unwell you can get on this situation. (On my city, I felt sick with a termic sensation of 42°c. To think there were people where the termic sensation was more 20°C makes me unwell to say the least.) People were screaming asking for water, because it is not free on stagiums and events. You cant get in with a watter bottle, and it is way too expensive to buy inside.

To get worse, the air circulation inside the stagium was closed on purpose. So the fans on the streets could not see Taylor inside.

The stagium was made, designed with the air circulation in mind. There was no refrigeration or air conditionin. They basically turned the stagium into a furnace, and wouldnt even give water for free(Ik it is a law, but in this heat, after closing the air circulation????? Are they for real????) and for what? Was it worthy it? To believe much of this could have been avoided if the ones organizing it had the Basic of human decency. Maybe there wouldnt have been 1000 people who fainted and 24 on the fucking hospital....

I cant.

This makes me tear up. Im writing this crying. This is unhamun.

I really wanna believe they didnt have an idea it would be that bad, I really wanna believe they didnt think for a moment: this doesnt feel right.

That it was a somatory of bad decisions viewing only the gain that blinded people to see the basic.

But I am being optimisc, because there is no way such a huge company as it is the Tickets For Fun, there wasnt anyone on the logistics pointing out that closing the air circulation was a bad idea, that there werent anyone on the Commercial thinking even for once that selling a cup of water on such a high price on this heat wave is precary.

I just cant withstand it.

I will give here info: the majority of people on Brasil dont make more than RS2000,00 per month, converting it to dollar it is around U$420,00 per month if I am not mistaken, and the watter cup with 200ml was around R$10,00, what makes U$2,00 per cup. There were people wasting R$100,00 to R$200,00 wich converting is like U$20,00 to U$30,00 only with water in ONE DAY.

Of course, this literally screams that the majority of the crew on Rio is not on this line, but even for people who makes like R$5000,00 to 7.000,00 per month wich is U$1000,00 to U$,1500,00 is too expensive.

And you go with the with lodging, the airplane tickets that alone you spend more than R$1000,00 easily. I am not counting food, drinks, or anything.

People get in debt to see her. That is serious business.

And it makes me sick of my stomach people cant go to a concert because they cannot afford water.

Now, about yesteday's show

Taylor wanted to postpon it since she knew a girl literally died due the hot wave on Rio, while this said fan was waiting to see her performance.

But as it seems, the company Tickets For Fun(@t4f), didnt want her to do it. What I believe it happend was long hours of discussion between Taylor team and the @T4f that is why it was cancelled so late.

People believes that Taylor can postpon an International show by just saying 'im Taylor fucking Swift, I can do wathever I want" that she did it on purpose, to let her fans waiting on an infernal heat, that Taylor dont care with her fans and the fact is. She cant postpon an International show out of the blank when she signed a contract! It was terrible the fans waiting for HOURS, but there was nothing she could do.

I've seen terrible comments about her on tiktok, on Twitter. I've read terrible things people say about the fans, as it was a good thing that her fan died, as example.

And for me, ok? After someone died, 1000 fainted, there really shouldnt be more concert. I agree that it should have been earlier, unhapilly it wasnt cause of burocracy.

Everything I see, read I feel bad, terribly sad, and depressed.

Just to put it here.

It is not Taylor's fault anything that is happening on this tour. Hopefully, the rest of her staying here will be better.

The one to blame is The Tickets For Fun.

I really hope everyone there to be safe and sound. That is it.

#there are many other things going on #but I am tired #taylor swift #eras tour #the eras tour #im so sorry for everyone involved #fuck t4f #juli rumbles

[kimtaegis]

i agree with that anon, ive been reading all ur asks bc i agree with some things and this feels like a safe place to accept it ♥lol, and yeah i always think "i dont have to love everything they do" we know even tho they work so good together as bts we know they have different styles and its their time to do whatever they want, personally i feel more connected with the rap line content, not that i didnt love the astrounaut or jimin's album, i was more nervous with taehyung because even if i think his music is so beautiful and i do like it a lot, its not exactly music i would normally listen to, my favorite is rainy days and i still hate the sound of the notifications in it lmao, but whatever... and just like jk, i liked seven a lot but i know a big part of it is that i loved the music video, it was fUN and at first i was like okay okay this song is so radio type, its viral music, and i enjoy it, lyrically i mean there is not so much depth, not that i need it but i know what it is about so i decide that i dont mind and still everytime its on the radio or comes in my playlist i have fun im dancing and singing and im like yeah bro go off!,

..now with 3d :) ... i normally listen to the new songs like once and i go to sleep, this one i had to listen more, i tRIED lol and i dont hate it at all, i do think its different and i WAS expecting something better, as well with the mv, not bc hes naked im gonna be like "oh great vid" LOL, and ive never heard jack before and... okay hi, but honestly the song just doesnt excite me, i love jk's voice i know how talented he is and he shines basically everywhere and im sure i will be singing and dancing whenever its played but thats because its catchy, i knew jk would do this music bc ive noticed what he likes and he says so himself, i know a lot of people throw shade bc hes working with these artists but i like to think he knows what hes doing - and if for some reason hes not satisfied or whatever he'll learn and theres that, hes smart , they all are, we cant know who makes ALL the decisions and if we could.. again, we dont have to love everything, of course were gonna question some of it if were not

also now that im rambling i did see people comparing with justin timberlake and i hate that i totally see it bc i hate him loool, im happy for nsync in general they are veeeeery talented, i just cant stand justin (admitting he is also very talented i loved seeing him as an actor too hes good) , but man ... u_u i see it, i do

anyway, thank you! u are nice, sometimes one can feel weird, it feels awkward wanting to support someone you care about and all but were doing our best and thats okay, we cant force ourselves to pretend something were not we dont have to ♥

im sorry if i dont make sense, there could be errors as im writing this when my bosses are right here lmaooo, ill go

HAVE A GREAT DAY !♥

hehe I’m glad you let it all out (I hope your bosses didn’t notice or mind!)! 🤍 I think you also once again emphasised one of the main points of last night’s whole conversation – that it’s absolutely fine to not like a new project of an artist you generally adore and that you’re very much allowed to express that. it’s not always black and white, you can still enjoy parts of it but not vibe to another, it’s okay. it’s really still a huge problem that many armies will make you think otherwise.

I enjoyed reading all your thoughts (had to giggle at the justin timberlake part 😭), thank you for coming here and talk! I hope you have a great day too, lovely 🤍

#princehoseok #annie’s mail #long post

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

this might sound ridiculous but i succumbed to a lot of peer pressure when i was growing up and it deeply traumatized me. i said bigoted, mean things and bullied people for approval and validation from toxic/abusive friends and im deeply ashamed of it all. the worst of it happened in middle school but it still haunts me at 19.

a lot of thoughts circle in my mind daily. am i a bad person? why didnt i just leave them for better people who didnt make me feel like i had to win their respect? if i remember them as bad people what does that make me? why am i so naive? im so embarrassed. i wish none of this ever happened. i look back at my childhood and i feel shame. what would happen if i told my current friends how i used to behave? would the people who i admire hate me?

i feel like a bad person who is just blaming other people for the bad things ive done. i wish i could feel proud of myself for once.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you went through. Please know that you don't sound ridiculous at all and it's understandable that you were deeply traumatized by these experiences. Your feelings are valid, and you're not alone.

I think it's important to remember a few things. One is that you were a child when these things happened, which means that your prefrontal cortex which is responsible for judgment calls and decision making was actively developing, so you were more susceptible to peer pressure. Children are actively learning about the world, including how to behave and what to watch out for, and because of this, they have many blind spots that leave them vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

Another thing is that there's a huge difference between doing something completely of your own volition and doing something because you were pressured, forced, or coerced to do so. You are not a bad person for being peer pressured into harming others because you are not a bad person for being peer pressured. While intent doesn't trump the impact, the real people to blame are the people who manipulated you into doing these things, who actively wanted this to happen.

It's difficult to label any child as a "bad person" because they are not their full selves yet, and anything considered "bad" about them is usually a result of external factors in one way or another. A lot of people change so much from when they were a child that it's unfair to judge them in a particular way before giving them a chance to develop and grow.

How you used to behave and the situations you came from do not reflect the person you are today, and I think on some level you know that because of the level of shame and regret you have. I think it's important to internalize that because if someone wanted to insinuate that you are no different, they'd simply be wrong.

It might be beneficial to seek support from a mental health professional such as a therapist, who can help you navigate these feelings of shame and guide you towards self-forgiveness and healing.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #tw abuse #tw emotional abuse #tw child abuse

[detransdamnation]

it was absolutely worth the wait. I went over your answer over and over, at least 5 good times and i feel like i take something new out of it each time around. I will probably write something longer soon to touch up on some things (as long as you dont mind of course) In the tags you mentioned being willing to give your opinion on other potential factors and well i know its a bit of an open question but you got my attention spark there and i wonder now what other factors you would name besides the ones we brought up up there?

(Also the part where you explained that specific feeling of wanting to start over, have something you can call your own after being mistreated-having control over something. This was just…huge.) also x2 i wish you didnt hate the things you write so intensely but at the same time i understand. Just know its nowhere near what your head tells you it is. You are one of the most raw and at the same time coherent and brilliant people talking on those matters, in my opinion. Cheers☁️

Gender roles—and hatred of, or discomfort with, those who do not conform to them—is a massive factor in most cases of dysphoria. Directly intertwined with that, as well, is social influence. What is essential to remember when we speak on the latter aspect is that it is not something particularly unique to dysphoria, nor does acknowledging it make someone’s dysphoric distress any less real; it simply exposes the—perhaps uncomfortable—fact that we are who we surround ourselves with and can (and do) make unconscious decisions about ourselves and who we are based off of what others around us are doing, feeling, or expressing.

The fact of the matter is, gender, like any other social construct, requires participants in order to exist, and through participating in this construct, we influence others to do the same. This starts young and could be (in fact, largely is) as covert as, for example, raising a daughter “like a girl” or a son “like a boy”—“unless they tell me they are otherwise.” This is something that I have actually heard multiple parents say word-for-word when faced with the prospect of having a transgender child. I specifically bring it up here because it is typically said under the impression that this approach does dysphoric young people well—but although their hearts may come from the right place, they also miss the mark entirely.

By treating people differently according to their sex at all, we reinforce these gender roles and stereotypes that harm us in the first place. We continue to place a certain gendered value on all of these things that should be neutral—behaviours, clothing, toys—and instill in these children that, if they happen to fall outside of those boxes, they are atypical. Despite my own family actually voicing that it didn’t matter what I liked so long as I was happy, I still never sought out my “nonconforming” desires until after I had told them I was transgender because they, themselves, did not take that initiative to expose me to anything outside of what was “normal” for children of my sex. The truth was, the thought of my existing as anything outside of that made them uncomfortable, and moreover, made other people uncomfortable, which they never challenged—and even though I wasn’t able to voice any of this as a child, I did pick up on it. Everything outside of this box was like “The Forbidden Fruit” and it was very clear to me that, if I reached for it as the sex that I am, I would stand out. I would be “different.” I didn’t want to be different. I wanted to be me.

The sentiment itself also insinuates that the parent would raise the child differently only if they came out as trans, which implies that they would only allow this hypothetical child to be themselves if they took on an identity that was more palatable to them. It is an eerie echo to how so many trans children’s stories start out—Jazz Jennings, Josie Romero, Kai Shappley—and it shows a great lack of insight on as to why children would even express the desire to be another gender in the first place. If the only thing standing between a “wrong” and a “right” is our sexes, of course we will come to despise them. Of course we will decide that we are another gender. We have internalized that this is the only way that we can be accepted as ourselves. We become influenced into transgender identity because we see no way to peacefully exist as “cis.” It should go without saying that this does absolutely nothing for children who are predisposed to dysphoria.

Which leads me to the last point I will make in this post. Something I know influenced my own dysphoria was certain personality traits. For example, one of my most pervasive personality traits throughout my life has been self-consciousness. To add insult to injury, I was also a fairly “early bloomer” as a child, puberty-wise, and developed relatively fast on top of that. So, you can imagine how detrimental it was for an already hypersensitive child to be given even more reason to “stand out.” I started to spend a lot of time just looking at myself and my body and how I presented very quickly became a constant underlying monologue. I wasn’t even dysphoric at this point, just painfully self-conscious—but that set the perfect stage for my dysphoria to develop because I was already uncomfortable with myself in the general sense. I just needed something specific to latch on to.

Although only a personal experience, if even a small fraction of dysphoric people could relate to it, it would track with what has already been established in many other mental illnesses. Self-esteem is a huge factor in anxiety disorders: Someone who is confident and self-assured is probably going to be a lot less likely to develop an anxiety disorder than someone who is meek and dependent on others’ reassurance. Perfectionism could be a factor in obsessive-compulsive disorders: A child who needs things to be “just right” will logically be more likely to become clinically obsessive over that as opposed to a child who only cares about getting things done. Similarly, I think that a barrage of traits could be a factor in dysphoria and whether or not our brains go through with its development depends on both the environment we grow up in, as well as just how these traits develop when faced with an onslaught of pubertal hormones (so, a matter of luck).

This about covers most of the rest of my thoughts, albeit condensed as much as I reasonably could. It is difficult (not to mention time-consuming) to lay out the whole crux of my thoughts and beliefs with every single detail and nuance in a blog post, so this definitely doesn’t encapsulate absolutely everything I could say. I’d certainly be okay with you sending in something long. I’ve enjoyed hearing from you, Anon, and I cannot describe how happy I am to know that you enjoy my writing. Thank you for listening. I give you my cheers in turn.

#if anyone wants a laugh i mixed up kai shappley with a character from american horror story #almost named a fictional ghost as trans kid representation lmao #but anyway i hope this was at least a little bit alright anon #i could have done a lot better job connecting my ideas here but #unfortunately after these days of writer's block i think it's about as good as it's gonna get lol #submission #answered #gender critical #writing #text #my post

[goddesselysuim]

So I had a dream that I want to share, and its an alternative universe for Obey Me! Lucifer x GN!Mc.

Note:

> Not proof read, so apologies in advance for grammar errors

> Alternate Universe or AU, so nothing here is based on a canon story.

> "Me" refers to MC, or simply self insert

Enjoy!

~~~

Teacher: We will ba having a 1 week camping on a mountain. Make sure to pack up your supplies and clothes that are good for at least a week.

Finally, an actual camping organized by our school is gonna happen soon. Its not a camping that we sleep in the gym. Ah, I haven't been to the mountains for so long. Speaking of mountains, my mind suddenly remembered a memory in a mountain when I was still a youngster...

(A strong earthquake caused the rumbling of the mountains. The soil starts to slide, rocks rolling, and the mountain itself begun to crack. It just coincidentally happen that I fell in to one of the cracks. And being a acrophobic, that was a traumatic experience.

Me: Ahhhhh! Help!

I suddenly feel a grip of my body, carrying me to the light and made me realized that it was a talon gripping me. It was surprisingly comfortable though, or let's just say that it feels like a hug.

When the earthquake subsided, he put me to the surface where there is no crack. I look up and saw a huge black peacock soaring in the sky. At first, I was terrified at what I saw, but remembering what he did to me, my shaking fear subsided.

He went back to where he came from, but before go back to the depths of the mountain, he look at me with those ruby but gentle eyes. It gave me an opportunity to thank him.

Bird: ...

Me: Thank you.. for saving me..

Bird: ...

He goes back to the depths, but I wasn't done speaking, so I have to shout in the huge hole.

Me: Wait! If I can meet you again one day, I would like to know your name.

Will he respond?

Bird: ru... shi... fa...)

When the day of the camping starts, I prepared a handy backpack with my clothes and tools for hunting. I pretty much know about survival techniques since I was trained well.

I rode with my schoolmates a bus to the destination. Looking at the scenery, I can slightly recognise this mountain. Could it be its the same mountain as where I met the Raven Peacock?

Supervisor: Alright. We will divide you in to 10 teams, 5 boy teams and 5 girl teams...

I didn't listen after that because I just wanted to solo. So after the announcement, I asked the supervisor privately.

Me: Ma'am, can I solo?

Supervisor: Eh? You mean you don't want to team with anyone?

Me: Well, no. Its just that, I prefer being alone.

Supervisor: Are you sure about that? Because this is kind of a last choice to do.

Me: Yes.

Ma'am finally approves my decision, which made me hype because I don't need to rely on anyone nor letting others rely on me. It's It's pain in the ass to be in a group. For example, if there is a mistake made by a member, the whole group will be affected. And of course, me being the unsociable one, really hates interactions with people so being alone conforts me well.

I didnt mind about people gossiping about me being solo. I mean come on, no one really wants to group with me so fuck off.

I pick a beautiful and perfect spot for my set up. Two trees with sturdy branches, and a plain surface is more than just what I needed. I prepare my hunting tools for hunting meat and fishing since its about to be night time.

I begun to fish and successfully catched one only. I could catch more if I can but I don't think I can eat more than 1 fish so screw it.

I prepared a net, tying the ends of both sturdy trees in the opposites and finally can rest on my swinging bed. I can't look at the stars though because of the leaves and branches. Slowly I doze myself to sleep...

Three days later, while I was about to hunt for meat, an earthquake occurred. The students occupied a large looking stage made out of concrete. I wanted to go to the area where I might find the Raven Peacock, but because I was unsure of this area, I had to evacuate as well.

Gladly it wasn't bad as what I remembered before, but oh well, I can't deny with people who were trembling from what happened. After the ground calm down, I secretly escape the evacuation, but I was spotted by one of my classmates. I didn't care about it anymore so I rush to the peak, while some attempted to follow me, most of them slid off due to the soil that turned slippery because of the earthquake. Others where able to catch up because of their excellent grip and balance.

I reached to the peak and saw a huge hole with unknown depths. When some of my batchmates were able to catch up, they were even terrified of the hole.

Batchmate 1: Wtf. Did we camp in the volcano?

Me: No. This isn't a volcano. This is... his domain...

Batchmate 2: What are you talking about?

Me: ...

I inhaled, getting some courage to call his name, and I did it..

Me: ルシファー！

An uproar was vibrating from the hole and a enormous black figure came out to soar the sky. It was him...

My batchmates was so scare that some ran off, rolling down the mountain, while some of them hid behind my back.

Batchmate 3: Holy shit!

Batchmate 4: What the fuck was that?l

Batchmate 5: A new species has been discovered!

Batchmate 6: Eeek!

Batchmate 7: Wait hold up, did you just call him..?

The bird came down for a closer look, examining with his huge ruby eyes on little us humans. Then he let me touch his face.

Me: Lucifer, it's me. Do you remember you save me from a previous earthquake? And I asked your name too? I remember your name of course.

A black smoke appeared around his body and when the smoke disappeared, a human shadow was found with wings. It appears that this was his human form.

Lucifer: Yes. I remember you, little girl. I have been waiting for years to show up and to call my name, and now I will take you to be by bride.

Me: Eh?

Everyone, especially me, was shocked at what he said. I am his bride? How? Why? Also, his voice though... It's hot... Whatever, I am confused with everything.

Everyone: Huh?!

Me: Wait wait. Relax relax. Wh-why do you want me to be your br-bride?

Lucifer: Because you are the only one who isn't afraid of me. You even thank me after I saved you with my peacock form. No one ever said that to me, but rather it was the first time a human saying "Thank you." Not only that, you were bold enough to ask and call my name, even though it is highly feared by humanity.

Batchmate 8: No way you got saved by a guy with wings named, Lucifer?

Me: It's true.

It is.

Me: B-but can I have a time to decide this, Lucifer?

Lucifer: ...

Lucifer looked kinda mad. Oh shit I made him mad. He is gonna really take me eh?

Lucifer: Alright, human. Whatever your decision is, I will respect it. But if you decide not to be by bride, at least you can visit me here once in a while.

Me: Ok!

Oh my ghad, with his deep but soothing voice, he is such a perfect gentleman for a human. But, oh well, he is a demon.

Later, an announcement has made that a blackout in the affected areas and the camping will end tomorrow. In other words, I have to decide before the camping ends in the morning.

I heard lots of gossips about what happened a while ago, both the earthquake and Lucifer's appearance, but like before. I. Don't. Care. It didn't took too long before I doze to sleep.

The next morning, everyone was able to finish packing up things, as for me, since I didn't bring too much stuff as others did, it didn't took too long to clean and pack up my stuff.

Batchmate 9: So have you decided to leave or stay here?

Me: Yes. And I want to see him first. You can come with me if you want.

I went to the peak with batchmate 9 and surprised to see no hole, but instead Lucifer was standing there, enjoying the mountain view.

Lucifer: So you came again, my dear mortal. What is your decision?

Me: I.. will stay with you.

Batchmate 9: Wha-

Me: I know its shocking, but you know that I hate socializing people.

Batchmate 9: No, no, that's not what I was talking about. I meant, what's the purpose of packing up your things?

Me: Hey, I should also clean up my mess too. I will never disrespect the guardian of the mountain, you know that.

Batchmate 9: You do have a point.

Lucifer: It's true that humans do make lots of mess in the nature, but they also fix up things as well, but at least it shouldn't reach to the point where its too late to repent.

Me: Mhmm.

Batchmate 9: Also, its unusual that you will accept his offer to be his bride.

Me: True, but I realized that the whole time I was searching, was him all along. My childhood was just a hint of a fragment memory, it was pretty blury, but I still remembered his name. Never I have thought that it would end up like this.

Batchmate 9: But hey, your family though...

Me: Just tell them that I will be living with the nature. They know my survival skills, but just make sure that you won't speak about Lucifer. Well, let alone they will know about the rumors soon.

Batchmate 9: I see, well, I hope you will visit your family and the city someday.

Me: Of course!

Then, Batchmate 9 goes down and leave with my other batchmates by riding a bus. Meanwhile...

Lucifer: Interesting decision you just made. I hope you will not regret this, my dear.

Me: Actually, I always wanted to stay away from humans, so I took this opportunity, even it may cost my life.

Lucifer: Cost your life? What makes you think that?

Me: I mean, you are a demon, and someday you will kill me.

Lucifer: I will never kill my bride. Also..

Suddenly I feel a very warm embrace from Lucifer, with his wings acting as my protection.

Lucifer: I always wanted to see you again, since the day I told you my name, I knew from the start that someday, you will see me again and call my name for the first time.

Me: Lucifer...

Lucifer: From now on, I'm gonna start calling you, my love, if that's ok with you?

I can feel my blood rushing to my face as I never ever felt like this before. This demon is so gentle as fuck. Is this love at first sight? Or 2nd sight rather?

Me: Ok.

Lucifer: Oh, but I haven't known your name yet. May I know your name?

Me: My name is...

~~~

Author's Note: As a Lucifer simp, I'm lucky to dream about him 🥰🥰🥰

#obey me #lucifer #soft lucifer #mc chan #alternative universe #obey me lucifer #fanfic

[bardengarde]

what are your opinions on ambrose burnside?

For as long as this has been in my inbox, it deserves a 20 page thesis, but uhhhh

I don't claim to be an expert on Burnside by any means and anyone can add their thoughts, but my opinion is that it's easy for people to hate the guy, but in all honesty the things that were his biggest failures I don't think were entirely all his fault.

Burnside was known to be really amiable and got along with people easily. He knew he didn't have what it took to command the Army of the Potomac and while the lack of confidence isn't very inspiring, he was self aware if nothing else bc he was right. We all know Fredericksburg was a mess and a half, but as I remember there was this huge deal about this guy who was in charge of sending the pontoons didn't like Burnside so it took so much longer for them to arrive than it should have. And the reason why Burnside still continued with his plans and ordered the attack no doubt had a lot to do with the immense pressure being put on him by Lincoln to get Union victories and get them quickly and AOP had already had a problem with the commander being "too cautious" recently. I think there was also something about him being stubborn and like once he'd made a decision he wasn't going to change his mind but I can't remember where, or if, I've read that.

The Crater should have been handled entirely differently. Not to be an armchair general, but when Burnside was ordered to come up with a different plan he should have picked which division would lead the assault instead of letting it come down to drawing lots. But also... idk, I hate that Meade and Grant had to order him to change his plans and not allowing Ferrero's division of black troops to lead because there was no time to prepare any of the other troops for what they were about to face, and those guys had been training and drilling for it. Fuck Ledlie also because was the one whose division was eventually picked to lead and he didnt brief his men on what was to be expected of them and got drunk behind the lines during the battle, along with Ferrero apparently, which I just learned as I'm fact checking a few things before I post.... just lovely.

Burnside, while he can be frustrating, I can't help but feel sorry for him sometimes as he seems to be a nice guy and also seems to genuinely be doing his best while also just making kinda stupid mistakes or being generally unlucky? He did have his successes though- look at the Knoxville campaign! Overall though, I don't really love him and I don't really hate him. There are way worse Union General's than him imo, it's just that Burnside's failures happen to be really famous one's.

I can't speak for anything about his postwar life or anything before his military service as I'm not super knowledgeable about him as it is and like what I've written here is like barely scratching the surface abt the guy I know, but that's all I've got.

#answered #sorry saucy for the brief mcclellan slander #do i want to add tags to this? nah #my opinions on burnside aren't very strong in one way or the other #it was coming up on nearly a whole years anniversary since i received this ask so i had to answer #again if im wrong about anything feel free to correct me #i think i may only be at 6 months since i received the ask but anyways #its 1 am and i should sleep

[gemtheories]

i am…conflicted. we got into a huge argument cuz i felt like he attacked my character and he thinks he only deals in logic and not feelings so it doesn’t matter how anyone feels ever.

so i’m like do you not care. and essentially it comes down to him not internalizing any feelings. no ones else’s or his own tbh. he refuses to watch movies that people say are feel good or whatever phrase was used because he doesn’t want to internalize others feelings.

personally, i just think this man has been hurt so much he’s afraid of feeling his own feelings and has had them thrown back at him so much that he doesn’t really try to deal with other people’s feelings either.

fine good for him. ion know if i wanna deal with that though. im offering him a safe space for his feelings and i just wanna be safe to talk about my own. but if im not allowed to have (or express/talk about, for clarity’s sake i guess) my own feelings with him…then what is the point? why be in a relationship? like any kind of interpersonal relationship. i don’t get it. and i don’t think he will have a satisfying answer for me. so idk what do now.

do i drop him? do i ride it out? i’m not trying to fix him but i know he needs therapy and he knows it too. but do i stand ten toes down next to him or not? i’m leaning not.

this man told me i give up too easily. and he’s right. but only in the sense that i give up on myself too easily. i’ll ride out with someone til the end though. so…either way i kind of prove him right no matter the decision i make. which doesn’t bother me at all. moreso, it just provides another facet of him that i love and hate. so perceptive but doesn’t have the well rounded perspective to actually give a good reasoning behind his very correct and solid statement.

this all compounded by the goddamn knowing. i sometimes hate my gifts and surena’s too. why give her all the knowledge that we’re meant to be together and then drop a vision on me of us with a baby named calvin THAT I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING KNOW WAS HIS GRANDFATHERS NAME and i made a fucking playlist called calvin klein. and every song just fucking hits the situation on the head. like why give me this? what am i supposed to do with this knowledge? what decisions lead me toward and away from it??? what if i don’t want it anymore??? what if i really want it? what is the path? you’ve only told me one possible (maybe definitive) outcome. i hate it.

i went to bed last night looking for an answer on whether or not to reach out to him. i dreamt of talking to him. then i a did a tarot spread in the morning. and of course it also said do it. and i did it. and here we are. so what now?

i guess i go to bed with more intentions and questions tonight. with even less certainty than i had yesterday. lovely.

[acethatlovesdinos]

Tw: vent, female body dysmorphia? (Idk I don't have an official diagnosis). description of feminine anatomy (boobs). I'm not asking for pity, I'm just spitting words out because I feel the need to make them known. A confession, of sorts. And maybe it'll help some of you feel less alone in your own journey.

~~~~~~

I'm not pretty.

I'm aware of the fact. Never really have been. Not exactly the textbook definition of "attractive" when I look in the mirror.

I dont feel unloved, I think that's a different thing. I know i have caring friends and family who have my back, but it's still not quite what Im getting at.

I hate mirrors. Specifically the big ones in the bathroom before I shower. I look at myself, my eyes taking in every flaw.

I used to be bigger, you see, and I do feel much better having lost a significant amount of weight but that in itself brought upon an entirely new type of insecurity.

At least when I was a larger size my shape was "normal," per se, in that i expected and understood that physique well.

I had gotten a gastric sleeve surgery (make stomach smaller so you can absorb less food, thus losing weight in a more "natural" manner). Considering my morbidly obese state at the time, it was a necessary adjustment for the sake of my own health.

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy with what I've done. It's been a massive change and I feel so much better from both a physical and mental perspective.

but oh boy, I never could have expected the kind of insecurity that accompanied rapid weightloss.

it was incredible for a while, watching my clothes fit looser and feeling like I had more energy. my mental health improved drastically. truly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I dont think Id change it if given the chance. I do want to make that clear, my current feelings are just a bit of a side effect.

quickly shedding pounds means that your body doesnt really get a chance to re-absorb that loose skin. what once was round, fatty pudge has now become loose, dangling flab. it hangs over my waist, accentuating my gut and making it still look larger than it is. Unfortunately, the weight I've lost isnt enough to properly constitute those surgeries to remove the loose skin that exists, so I'm sort of just...stuck with it. Im still certainly not skinny by any means, but I feel as though I'd be a size or two smaller if that extra flab wasn't there.

My hips and thighs didnt change a whole lot, so I remain with a bottom-heavy, pear shaped form with a waist several inches behind my hips. pants are a struggle to find a comfortable fit as a result.

It doesnt really strike much thought at first, but I was pretty quick to remember that breasts are composed mostly of fat and soft tissue. One of the first places to start showing a decrease in size? yeah. My chest wasn't particularly huge in proportion to my body anyway, and they only got smaller. that's a blow to the self-esteem if ive ever seen one. ever try shopping for a 40A bra? they aren't very common.

Oh, and what I said before about loose skin? that applies there too. there's no shape, it just sort of...sags pathetically. it could almost be compared to the "boobs" of an obese man with the way they sit, and the thought disgusts me.

all in all im sagging, loose, and not what someone would call a pretty sight...ever. It makes me fear the longevity and even possibility of future relationships, because who would want something like this?

my only saving grace is when I take a closer look at myself. Look closer in the mirror, look at my face. that seems to be the only part of myself im mostly okay with.

I've got a soft, round face, dusted with a natural blush and a gentle chin. my ears arent too big, and ive got a little dimple when my mouth moves the right way.

pale blue eyes provide the only pop of color on my otherwise pale, boring body, a cloudy shade of slate with a ring of green around the pupil. I dont want to sound basic, bit they really do seem to change under the sun. hooded eyelids occasionally cause makeup to be frustrating, but i only wear the stuff on special occasions anyway so it's not exactly a huge deal for me.

My glasses help to frame my face, a cute but necessary prop(bc i am blind lol), with the added bonus of helping to hide the tired circles under my eyes.

A lot of people seem insecure about their noses, but mine has been mostly unproblematic throughout my experience with it.

I've had a surprising number of people comment on my "perfect lips" (a few ladies who helped me with makeup), bringing up the defined Cupid's Bow and naturally plump shape, a soft pink hue that exists all on its own. I never really thought much of it until someone told me.

My hair has always been a fickle thing, and I've had a bit if a love-hate relationship with it until fairly recently. I've found that I like it bobbed at my chin, where its light enough that the natural curls can have a strong effect. the most product I tend to use is this nice-smelling leave-in conditioner, which just helps to tone down the frizziness. I love the way the curls frame my chin and jawline, and it coils into these thick, beautiful springs after it dries from a shower. it's so soft and I love to run my fingers through it when it's been freshly cleaned. The current color is a dark purple, that looks almost black indoors, but it nearly lights up when the sun hits it. its natural color is a deep brown, and i still do like it, I just thought a bit of color would be nice for once.

Ive got moles and marks everywhere, but that's never bothered me. the little brown spots are fun, and a few of them on my arm can even be traced into a perfect arch.

the most unique aspect of my appearance is this...little patch of tiny moles in the center of my throat. The patch is only about a centimeter in full area, and it's covered in little raised brown bumps. Oddly enough, this part of my body has never been something I felt ashamed of, as the little patch of marks were one of the many things that made me, me.

So maybe my body isnt perfect. it's not the ideal shape, nor size, nor whatever else, but I guess there's some things about it that I dont mind so much.

#body dysmorphia #body positive #self love #self care #vent post