#like i’m still primarily attracted to girls. but i MIGHT actually like men too. which is insane because i KNOW for sure i didn’t

[freddiekluger]

Why Cap Being Internally Closeted Is Not Only Possible, But Valid Representation 

i wrote this to a lot of mitski and onsind, so you can’t blame me for any feelings that bleed through

now i don’t know if it actually exists, but i’ve heard of there being a lot of discourse surrounding the captains story arc regarding his sexuality- i believe the general gist is that having a queer character that remains closeted to themselves is either unrealistic or ‘bad’ representation, and as someone who really treasures the captain and relates to his story so far a lot, i thought i might break this down a bit. 

i’ve divded up every complaint i’ve heard about this into four main questions which i’ll be covering below the ‘keep reading’, because this is gonna be pretty comprehensive. full disclaimer i reference my experiences as an ex-evangelical non binary butch lesbian a couple times, and i spent a year studying repression and the psychological impacts of high demand sexual ethics for my graduating sociology paper, so this is coming with some background to it i swear

the big questions:

can you EVEN be gay and not know it????

but isn't this just ANOTHER coming out arc, and aren't we supposed to be moving beyond those?

but if cap can't have a relationship with a man because he's a ghost, what's the point?

since cap's dead, isn't this technically bury your gays, and isn't that bad? 

1. "but is it really possible to not know? Isn't that bad representation?"

short answer: no and no.

before i get into the validity of the captain's ignorance about his own orientation as 21st century rep, let's break down how the hell the captain can be so clearly attracted to men and still not even consider the possibility that he might be gay, as brought to you by someone who literally experienced this shit.

the captain's particular situation is both a direct result of the lack of information around human sexuality he would have had (aka clear messaging that it's actually possible for him to be attracted to men. i don't mean acceptable or allowed, i mean physically capable of happening- the idea that orientations other than heterosexual exist and are available to him, a man), and a subconscious survival mechanism. the environment in which he lives is outright hostile to gay people, while the military man identity he has constructed for himself doesn't allow for any form of deviation from societal norms, let alone one so base level and major. as a result of this killer combo of information and environment, instincts take over and the mind does it's best to repress the ‘deviant’ feelings until a. one of these two things changes, or b. the act of repression becomes so destructive and/or exhuasting that it becomes impossible to maintain. the key to maintaining a long-term state of repression of desire is diverting that energy elsewhere, and a high-demand group such as the military is the perfect place for the captain to do this (this technqiue is frequented by religions and extremist ideologies worldwide, but that’s not really what we’re here to focus on). 

while the brain is actively repressing ‘deviant’ feelings (aka gay shit), this doesn't mean you don't experience the feelings at all. when performed as a subconscious act of survival, the aim of repression is to minimise/transform the feelings into a state where they can no longer cause immediate danger, and something as big as sexual/romantic orientation is going to keep popping up, but as long as the individual in question never understands what they’re feeling, they’ll be able to continue relatively undisturbed. you know how in heist movies, the leader of the group will only tell each team member part of the plan so they can’t screw things up for everyone else if they get caught? it’s kind of like that.

this is how the captain appears to have operated in life AND in death, and it’s a relatively common experience for lgbtq people who’ve grown up in similar circumstances (aka with a lack of information and in an unfriendly-to-hostile environment), and accounts for how some people can even go on to get married and have children before realising that they’re gay and/or trans. 

personally, while i can now identify what were strong homo crushes all the way back to childhood, at the time i genuinely had no idea. there was the underlying sense that i probably shouldn't tell people how attached i was to these girls because i would seem weird, and that my feelings were stronger than the ones other people used to describe friendships, but like-like them in the way that other girls like-liked boys? no way! actually scratch that, it wasn't even a no way, because i had no idea that i even could. i even had my own havers, at least in terms of the emotional hold and devotion she got from me, except she treated me way less well than cap’s beau. snatches of the existence of lgbt people made it through the cone of silence, i definitely heard the words gay and lesbian, but my levels of informations mirrored those that the captain would have had: virtually none, beyond the idea that these words exist, some people are them, and that's not something that we support or think is okay, so let's just not speak about it. despite only attending religious schools for the first couple years of primary, until i got my own technology and social media accounts to explore lgbtq content on my own- option a out of the two catalysts for change- the possibility of me being gay was not at all on my radar. don’t even get me started on how long it took me to explore butchness and my overall gender, two things which now feel glaringly obvious. 

when shit starts to break down, you can also make the conscious choice to repress which can delay the eventual smashing down of the mental closet door for a time (essentially when the closet door starts to open, you just say ‘no thanks’ and shut it again by pointedly Not Thinking About It). in the abscence of identifying yourself by your attractions, it becomes quite common to identify with a lack- in my case, this meant becoming proud of how sensible and not boy crazy i was, and in the captain’s case, this means becoming proud of how sensible and not sensuous/wild (aka woman crazy) he was, identifying with his LACK of desire for women and partying (which, even in the 40s, involved the expectation of opposite sex romances and hook ups). i’m not saying that’s the only reason he’s a rule follower, but i think the contrast between About Last Night and Perfect Day pretty much support this. (the captain getting on his high horse about general party antics that he inherently felt excluded from because of underlying awareness of his difference & his tendency to project his regimented expectations of himself onto others, vs. joining in the reception party, awareness of how the environment supports difference in the form of clare and sam, and relaxing his own rules by dancing with men- the captain doesn’t mind a party when feels like he has a place there.)

so the captain was operating in a high demand, highly regulated environment (primarily the military, but also early 20th century England itself), with regimented roles, rules, and expectations. working on the assumption that he wouldn't have had out/disclosing lgbt friends, he would have had little to no exposure to lgbt identities, and what information he did receive would have been hushed and negatively geared. while my world started to open up when i started high school was allowed to have my own phone + instagram account, resulting in me realising something wasn't quite 'right' within a few years (making me a relatively early realiser compared to those who don't come out to themselves until adulthood), in life the captain never had that experience. he didn't receive the information he needed, his environment didn't grow less hostile. with the near-exception of havers related heartbreak, his well disciplined and lifelong method of repression never became destructive/exhaustive enough to permanently override the danger signals in his mind and allow him to put his feelings into words. neither of the most common catalysts for change happened for him, so he continued as usual, even after his death.

BUT, and here’s where we come to why this is actually great representation, arrival of mike and Alison represents the opening up of new world. for the first time, the captain is actively made aware of the fact that his environment is no longer hostile, and better than that, it’s affirming. he’s also getting access to positively geared information about lgbtq people and identities, so option a of the two catalysts for change is absolutely present, and resoundingly positive. 

the captain’s arc is also relatively unique as it acknowledges the oppressive nature of his environment, but actually focuses on the internal consequences, and the way that systems like those that the captain lived in succeed because they turn us into our own oppressors. for whatever reason, we repress ourseslves, and often can’t help it, and i find that the significance of the journey to overcome that is often overlooked in more mainstream queer media. perhaps it’s just not very cinematic, or it remains too confronting for cishet audiences, but ghosts manages to touch on it with a lovely amount of humour and hope. Jamie Babbit’s But I’m A Cheerleader is another favourite piece of queer media for the same reasons.

not only does it show this, but as the captain continues to get gayer and lean into some of his less conventional traits (like an interest in fashion and the wedding planning), it shows lgbt people who have been or are going through this that there CAN be a positive outcome. it takes a lot to unlearn all the things that have painted you as wrong, especially when a massive institution is desperate to continue doing so, but you can do it, you can be happy, and it's never too late. (i've been meaning to say that last point for ages for ages, but a mutual beat me to it here)

2. not just another coming out arc

i absolutely support the demand for queer stories that don’t center around coming out (it’s like shrodinger’s queer: if you’re not coming out on screen, do you really even exist?), but i don’t align with the criticisms that the captain should already be out. for the reasons mentioned above, the captain’s particular story is fairly different to the ‘young white teenager who mostly knows gay is fine, it’s just everyone else that’s got the problem, but have a unremarkably straight sounding soundtrack, a trauma porn romance, and a cishet saviour’ that we keep seeing. the captain’s ongoing journey with his sexuality emphasises the overaching theme of the show: recovering from trauma and humanity’s endless capacity for growth, and i think that’s worth showing over and over again until it stops being true.

additionally, while the captain’s journey regarding his gayness is a big part of his character and story, ghosts makes it clear that it’s not the ONLY part, and being gay is far from his ONLY characteristic or dramatic/comedic engine. the fact that i’m even having to congratulate ghosts for doing that really shows how much film and television is struggling huh.

while all queer media is, and should be, subject to criticism, i think if it helps even one person then it absolutely deserves to exist, and i can say i’ve found the captain’s journey to be the lgbt story i’ve found that’s closest to my own, which says a lot considering he’s a dead world war 2 soldier who hangs out with other ghosts including a slutty Tory, a georgian noblewoman, and a literal caveman. 

3. if captain gay, why he no have boyfriend???? 

another complaint that’s been circulating is that since the captain doesn’t, and likely won’t, have a boyfriend, that makes him Bad Representation because it follows the sad single gay trope. i kind of get the logic from this one, and a lot of it is up to personal interpretation, but part of me really enjoys the fact that the captain’s journey towards accepting himself is separated from having a relationship.

coming out is often paired with having romantic/sexual relationships (either as the reason or reward for doing so). my own struggle with repression didn't end the second that came out, and i still struggle with letting myself develop & acknowledge romantic feelings as a result of actively shutting them (and most other feelings in general) down for years, and statistics show that lgbtq youth in particular tend not to live out their 'teen years' until their twenties. by not giving cap a relationship straight away, ghosts separates the act of claiming identity and sexual orientation from finding a partner (two things which are, more often than not, separate), and also provides some very nice validation to folks who have yet to have the relationship they want, especially when lots of mainstream queer media is now jumping on the cishet media bandwagon of acting as if every person loses their virginity and has a life defining relationship at sixteen. it’s essentially a continuation of the earlier theme of “it’s never too late”, and who’s to say the captain won’t get a gay bear ghost boyfriend to go haunt nazis with??? people die all the time, it could happen.

(also, i think him and julian will have definitely shagged at least once. it was a low moment for both of them and they refuse to speak of it.)

lots of asexual/ace spectrum fans have come out to say how much they’ve loved being able to headcanon cap as ace, and while that’s not a headcanon i personally have, i think it’s brilliant that ace fans feel seen by his character- we’re all in this soup together babey (and sorry for cursing everyone still reading this with that cap/julian headcanon. i’m just a vessel)

4. “okay, but cap’s a GHOST- doesn’t that make this Bury Your Gays?”

this is a bit of a complex one, but i’m going to say no as a result of the following break down.

Bury Your Gays (BYG), aka the trope where lgbtq characters are consistently killed off (and often with a heavy dose of trauma, while cishet characters survive) is probably one of my least favourite lgbt media tropes. BYG has two main points:

1. the lgbt character is killed, thus removing them from story entirely- hence the use of the phrase ‘killed OFF’ (killed off of the show/film)

2. the character’s death reinforces the perception that lgbtq people’s lives must end in tragedy, instead of being long and fulfilling, or are inherently less valuable. bonus points if the character is killed in a hate crime or confesses same-gender love right before they die (that one implies that queer love genuinely has no future!)

not every death of an lgbtq character is bury your gays, and i personally feel that the captain is an example of an lgbt death that isn’t. 

first of all, while the captain is dead, so are the vast majority of characters in ghosts. the premise of the show means that death is not the end of the line for its characters- for most of them, it’s the only reason we get to see them on screen at all. as such, the captain being dead doesn’t remove him from the story, so point one is irrelevant.

at the time of posting, we don’t know how or why the captain died, but we've had nothing to suggest his death was in any way related to his latent sexuality, so his mysterious death doesn’t actively play into the supposedly inherent tragedy of queer lives, nor the supposedly lesser value. that’s as of right now- since we don’t know the circumstances of his death it’s a little tough to analyse properly. while the captain’s life absolutely features missed opportunities and it’s fair share of tragedy, hope and growth (which seems to be the theme of this post) abounds in equal measure. the captain may not be alive, but we DO get to see him growing and having a relatively happy existence, that for the most part seems to be getting even better as he learns to open up and be himself unapologetically- that doesn’t feel like BYG to me.

while writng this, it’s just occured to me that death really is a second chance for most of the ghosts, especially with the introduction of alison. from mary learning to read, to thomas finding modern music, they’ve all been given the chance explore things they never could have while they were alive, and hopefully grow enough to one day be sucked off move on.

in conclusion,

i love the captain very much and i hope his arc lives up to the standards it’s set so far. i don’t know where to put this in this post, but i’d alo like to say i LOVE how in Perfect Day, the captain wasn’t used as an educational experienced for fanny at all. i am very tired of people expecting me to be the walking talking homophobe educator and rehabilitator, so the fact that it’s alison and the other ghosts that call fanny out while the captain just gets to have fun with the wedding organisation made me very happy.

here’s a few other cap posts that i’ve done:

the captain’s arc if adam and the film crew stayed

a possible cap coming out 

the captain backstory headcanon

if you’ve read this far,

thank you!

also check out @alex-ghosts-corner , this post inspired me very much to write this

#i subluxed all my fingers and wrists doing this but worth it #bbc ghosts #bbc ghosts headcanon #bbc ghosts analysis #the captain #caphavers #the captain x havers #ben willbond #lgbt representation #lgbt rep #queer media #lgbt media

[aboveallarescuer]

I know you've gotten anons about the YMBQ prophecy recently but I was wondering in what context could it be obvious for the reader that Daenerys is the YMBQ if Cersei is most likely to die or leave KL once Aegon arrives and not Daenerys. Even if Daenerys takes KL later on wouldn't he technically be the one to take all she holds dear (her power as regent)?

First of all, Anon, I think it’s interesting that you say that Young Griff (rather than Arianne) would take all that Cersei holds dear in this hypothetical scenario (that most people assume will come to pass). asoiaf tumblr fandom loved (loves?) to take for granted that Arianne would be YMBQ (after all, it was/is taken for granted that she would marry Young Griff and become his queen consort) years ago. At the same time, though, I’m not sure if you’re implying that Young Griff might actually be the one to fulfill the YMB(Q) prophecy in this ask. I actually saw this theory before. So I’m going to make counterarguments to this theory first and then address your question about how and when Dany might be revealed as the YMBQ (and if that’s what you were specifically looking for, just skip to the end, though you might be disappointed by the fact that I'm not really providing definitive answers because I have a lot of doubts myself).

In a way, it makes more sense for Young Griff to fulfill the prophecy rather than Arianne. Let’s remember what Cersei wants the most, which is shown in the beginning of her very first chapter:

She dreamt she sat the Iron Throne, high above them all. (AFFC Cersei I)

Unfortunately for Cersei, she can’t ever actually sit the Iron Throne, which is pointed out several times:

Cersei shifted in her seat as he went on, wondering how long she must endure his hectoring. Behind her loomed the Iron Throne, its barbs and blades throwing twisted shadows across the floor. Only the king or his Hand could sit upon the throne itself. Cersei sat by its foot, in a seat of gilded wood piled with crimson cushions. (AFFC Cersei V)

~

Seated on her gold-and-crimson high seat beneath the Iron Throne, Cersei could feel a growing tightness in her neck. (AFFC Cersei VII)

~

Cersei sat beneath the Iron Throne, clad in green silk and golden lace. (AFFC Cersei X)

As the first quote states, only the king or the Hand can sit the Iron Throne, which is what Cersei wants the most, since, to her, it symbolizes almost unlimited power ("high above them all"). Indeed, I would argue that what Cersei holds dear is the chance to reign supreme (“The rule was hers; Cersei did not mean to give it up until Tommen came of age. [...] If Margaery Tyrell thinks to cheat me of my hour in the sun, she had bloody well think again.”), not “her power as regent” (as you put it), which is limited by nature. After all, the king’s wife and mother can’t sit the Iron Throne. This means three things to me:

Queen consorts like Margaery or Arianne (if she actually marries Young Griff, which is far from certain) can’t take all that Cersei holds dear.

Queens claiming power in their own right but who have no claim to the Iron Throne are excluded too. In other words, Asha or QitN!Sansa (another fan theory that’s far from certain and that’s accepted as future canon) can’t take all that Cersei holds dear.

Only a she-king (that is, a queen regnant) with a claim to the Iron Throne can take all that Cersei holds dear - that’s Dany.

But then, we have Young Griff. He is a king with a claim to the Iron Throne, so he could, in theory, take what Cersei holds dear and fulfill the prophecy. However, I find that very unlikely for a number of reasons:

GRRM doesn’t highlight men’s physical appearances or objectify them in the same way that he does with women, as a lot of people have already criticized him for. He makes a point of mentioning women’s accomplishments along with overpraise for their physical appearances (though one might be generous and chalk that up to social commentary about how their society objectifies women instead of giving them their due praise for what they do). He encourages his fans to speculate about who is the YMB(Q) and pit his female characters against each other based on their physical appearances (e.g., people have criticized how Sansa stans often mention the number of times the word “beautiful” appears in Sansa’s chapters to back up their belief that she’s the YMB(Q), but the way GRRM himself wrote the prophecy lends itself to this sort of analysis) because he uses certain tropes uncritically. He portrays fat women negatively in comparison to thin women (see: Cersei (who’s said to be gaining weight throughout AFFC as she becomes more unstable) vs Dany, Lysa vs Cat, Barba Bracken vs Melissa Blackwood, arguably Rhaenyra vs Alicent). He takes an almost voyeuristic pleasure in describing women’s bodies and women having sex with women (see how Dany and Irri’s or Cersei and Taena’s sexual encounters don’t give any depth to Dany’s, Irri’s and Taena’s characters and, as far as I can tell, are mostly written to fetishize them). Consider, for instance, how 13- to 16-year-old Dany is the most sexualized character of the book series, while I’m not even sure if her male counterpart Jon is supposed to be considered attractive or not (on the one hand, he’s attracted women like Ygritte and Val; on the other hand, he’s meant to look a lot like Ned, who’s regarded as plain in appearance, especially in comparison to the hot-blooded Brandon). All of this is to say that I doubt that a man will fulfill a prophecy that remarks upon the person’s physical appearance (“younger and more beautiful”). Considering GRRM’s writing problems, a woman is much more likely to do so.

Young Griff is supposed to represent a lesser version of Dany (note that I’m talking about Young Griff as a fictional character, not as a person). After all, unlike Dany, Young Griff didn’t get to have lived experience of poverty, he didn’t get to have his skills tested, he didn’t get to apply the lessons he learned along the way, he didn’t get to take action and make mistakes and gain valuable experience and wisdom, he didn’t get to choose to stay in Slaver’s Bay solely to help marginalized people who aren’t connected to him by neither blood nor lands (which would emphasize how he doesn’t view his birthright merely as something owed to him, but rather as a means to “protect the ones who can’t protect themselves”). He could have had this sort of character development if GRRM wanted him to, but he has a different role in the narrative: he’s a tertiary character who we’re not meant to know all that much as a person or about how he would fare as king because he serves as a foil to Dany. With all of that in mind, what would be the point of having this minor character, who was introduced in the fifth book of a seven-book series, fulfill this prophecy rather than the one protagonist who the author said was deliberately written as Cersei’s foil multiple times (more on that below)?

Which brings me to a point that @rainhadaenerys made in our upcoming Dany/Cersei meta... Cersei views women with contempt because she thinks that they can only attain political influence with “tears” and with what’s “between [their] legs” (as she tells Sansa). This informs why, for example, she projects the unfounded idea that a widow must have lovers on Margaery or why she herself uses money and sex to keep her men loyal (which ultimately backfires on her). Unfortunately, it’s true that “[Cersei’s] strength relies on her beauty, birth and riches”. Because of her internalized misogyny, Cersei can’t conceive of a woman who might rise to power primarily because of her intelligence and shrewdness… Except that there is a woman who successfully conquered three cities and ruled the third and freed thousands of slaves relying primarily on her actual wit, political savviness and leadership skills rather than on sex, birthright or money… Dany. Dany is the competent, selfless ruler who could overcome many of the patriarchal limitations that Cersei couldn’t (hence why Cersei is a tragic figure). If Young Griff were to be the YMB(Q), he would simply be one of the many men (along with Robert, her brother, her father and the other Hands) who Cersei thinks wronged her and prevented her from staying in power. If Daenerys were to be the YMBQ, she would challenge Cersei’s toxic beliefs about women, which prevented Cersei from even imagining that a she-king might be the one foreshadowed to defeat her or that a woman (that isn’t her, of course) could actually be able to earn her accomplishments (just like she can’t imagine that Jaime might actually betray and kill her). Now, someone might argue that GRRM is not “woke” enough to do this, but I would disagree in this particular case. There are valid critiques to be made about how he wrote his female characters (I’ve made some points myself on the first item), but it’s still true that Dany’s character arc was written with awareness of how her gender affects her experiences. If that hadn’t been the case, AGOT wouldn’t have initially set up several men (Viserys, Rhaego, Drogo) to be claimant to the Iron Throne/SWMTW/the protagonist only to reveal that these roles are actually meant to be fulfilled by Dany, a woman. If that hadn’t been the case, he wouldn’t have had Maester Aemon acknowledge that “no one had ever looked for a girl” when they pondered on who might be AA/PTWP. So I don’t put it past GRRM to make Dany the YMBQ as a way of challenging Cersei’s entire worldview.

Indeed, I actually think that’s likely to be what he’ll write. GRRM has stated multiple times that Dany and Cersei are meant to be compared and contrasted because they were consciously written by him (specially in AFFC/ADWD) as narrative foils:

George regrets that Cersei and Dany will not be contrasted directly. (x)

~

His biggest lament in splitting A Feast for Crows from A Dance with Dragons is the parallels he was drawing between Circe and Daenerys. (x)

~

Cersei and Daenerys are intended as parallel characters --each exploring a different approach to how a woman would rule in a male dominated, medieval-inspired fantasy world. (x)

~

While discussing how he writes his female characters, he also mentioned that splitting the books as he did this time meant we didn't get the parallel between how Danaerys and Cersei both approach the task of leadership, which is a bit of a shame. (x)

~

And that one of the things he regrets losing from the POV split is that he was doing point and counterpoint with the Dany and Cersei scenes--showing how each was ruling in their turn. (x)

I think Young Griff as the YMB(Q) is very, very unlikely. If it’s not Dany, then I think Brienne (who at least is a viewpoint character that we know intimately) as the YMBQ (though I doubt it because she can only take Jaime away from Cersei and, as we saw in AFFC, Cersei was willing to separate herself from Jaime once she realized that he would question and disagree with her decisions and, in her mind, threaten her influence and power, i.e., what she wants the most) or even Cersei herself (the basis of this theory is that a younger Cersei caused her own downfall by making the choices she made. It’s not impossible considering that Cersei’s unreliable viewpoint prevents her from ever taking responsibility for her actions. Still, I think it’s unlikely because she’s been positioned as a passive participant in these prophecies - someone/some people kills her children, some person takes away everything she holds dear, some person murders her. Just like there’s a valonqar to kill Cersei, I think there’ll be a YMBQ to defeat her) are more plausible candidates. However, as I said in previous answers, Dany and Cersei have lots of clearly intended parallels and anti parallels (hence why GRRM mentioned them at least five times publicly) that people don’t often appreciate (but that I don’t want to mention here because I’m saving them for edits and that long meta). I find it hard to believe that GRRM would lay all this groundwork to contrast these two queens only to reveal that a minor character is the actual YMB(Q).

Now, the question about “in what context could it be obvious for the reader that Daenerys is the YMBQ” is difficult because, IMO, I don’t feel like there’s enough information to give you a reliable answer. First, let’s recap the most common theories, which, while I don’t think should be accepted as canon just yet, are popular for logical reasons. Here’s what GRRM said about the future events in the initial outline and interviews:

While the lion of Lannister and the direwolf of Stark snarl and scrap, however, a second and greater threat takes shape across the narrow sea, where the Dothraki horselords mass their barbarian hordes for a great invasion of the Seven Kingdoms, led by the fierce and beautiful Daenerys Stormborn, the last of the Targaryen dragonlords. The Dothraki invasion will be the central story of my second volume, A Dance with Dragons. (x)

~

GRRM: Yes, three more volumes remain. The series could almost be considered as two linked trilogies, although I tend to think of it more as one long story. The next book, A Dance With Dragons, will focus on the return of Daenerys Targaryen to Westeros, and the conflicts that creates. After that comes The Winds of Winter. I have been calling the final volume A Time For Wolves, but I am not happy with that title and will probably change it if I can come up with one that I like better. (x)

~

He said that in his original plan (when he wanted to write a trilogy) the Red Wedding would take place in book one, and Dany’s landing in Westeros in book two. Now he says that Dany’s arrival in Westeros will take place in book 5, A Dance with Dragons. (x)

~

From there he started to plan a trilogy, since there were 3 main conflicts (Starks/Lannisters; Dany; and the Others) it felt it would neatly fit into a trilogy (ah!), but like Tolkien said, the tale grew in the telling. (x)

~

“Well, Tyrion and Dany will intersect, in a way, but for much of the book they’re still apart,” he says. “They both have quite large roles to play here. Tyrion has decided that he actually would like to live, for one thing, which he wasn’t entirely sure of during the last book, and he’s now working toward that end—if he can survive the battle that’s breaking out all around him. And Dany has embraced her heritage as a Targaryen and embraced the Targaryen words. So they’re both coming home.” (x)

GRRM’s words seem to indicate that Dany will go to Dragonstone ("they're both coming home") and then King’s Landing in her campaign to take back the Seven Kingdoms before she goes to the Wall to fight against the Others.

And it is quite possible that she will clash with Young Griff. For one:

Hi, short question. Will we find out more about the Dance of the Dragons in future books?

The first dance or the second?

The second will be the subject of a book. The first will be mentioned from time to time, I'm sure. (x)

For two:

"It is dragons."

"Dragons?" said her mother. "Teora, don't be mad."

"I'm not. They're coming."

"How could you possibly know that?" her sister asked, with a note of scorn in her voice. "One of your little dreams?"

Teora gave a tiny nod, chin trembling. "They were dancing. In my dream. And everywhere the dragons danced the people died." (TWOW Arianne I)

For three:

Glowing like sunset, a red sword was raised in the hand of a blue-eyed king who cast no shadow. A cloth dragon swayed on poles amidst a cheering crowd. From a smoking tower, a great stone beast took wing, breathing shadow fire ... mother of dragons, slayer of lies … (ACOK Daenerys IV)

Now, here are my observations/questions/doubts:

The “cloth dragon” receiving a round of cheers from the crowd seems to indicate that a) Tommen will indeed fall from power when Young Griff (who’s already in Westeros almost ready to attack) invades King’s Landing and that b) Young Griff will inspire love from the population.

The more obvious possibility is that the second dance of dragons refers to a Dany versus Young Griff confrontation, especially since she’s prophesied to slay the lie that he represents (that he’s not Rhaegar Targaryen's son, but actually Illyrio’s son and a Blackfyre). However, since Victarion is currently in Meereen with a dragonbinder, it’s very likely that Dany will lose control of one of her dragons to a Greyjoy (either Victarion or Euron Greyjoy himself) and then will arrive in Westeros with only two of her three dragons. Or maybe Euron will use one of the dragons to attack Young Griff and that will be the second dance (though I find that unlikely since, again, Dany is prophesied to slay Young Griff’s lie). Or the second dance could actually refer to Dany versus Euron.

There are alternative speculations to consider. Right now, the consensus in the Dany fandom seems to be that there’s already too much in Dany’s plate for her (uniting all the khalasars and being hailed as the SWMTW; going back to Meereen; meeting Tyrion, Jorah, Moqorro and other characters; maybe going to Yunkai; going to Volantis; etc) to go to King’s Landing, which led to people assuming that only Cersei and JonCon will be involved in the city’s burning. It’s even theorized that Dany might actually skip King’s Landing and go to the Wall instead. These theories make a lot of sense and aren’t implausible, but it’s hard to reconcile them with GRRM’s initial intention with Dany (though it’s also been argued that he may have given part of her initial role to Young Griff). Additionally, I don’t think timeline issues are necessarily a guarantee of what GRRM will do with Dany. He made Tyrion travel much faster than reasonable back in AGOT to have him meet Catelyn in the inn at the crossroads and to be taken captive by her. So I wouldn't put it past GRRM to do something similar with Dany by having her arrive earlier in King’s Landing than she reasonably would just because he wants it to happen. And, as much as I don’t want it to happen and even though I criticized the theory before, I don’t think it’s impossible (though it’s not guaranteed either) for Dany to be accidentally involved in the burning of King’s Landing (though there is a recent counter-theory to that as well).

Re: Cersei, a lot of people tend to assume that she’s going to die when Young Griff takes King’s Landing, but I am not really sure. I do think that her parallels with Aerys II will pay off and reflect her ending. But that doesn’t prevent Cersei from surviving Young Griff’s invasion and meeting Dany later. Cersei could escape to Casterly Rock and they could meet there. Or Cersei could later attempt to retake the capital again in another impractical plan of hers, which then leads to King’s Landing burning. I don’t know.

Does Dany have to meet everyone to fulfill these prophecies? I’m not sure. Does Dany necessarily need to meet Young Griff and Stannis to slay their lies? Does she necessarily need to meet Cersei so that the readership finds out that she’s the YMBQ? Will there even be an actual moment that makes it “obvious for the reader that Daenerys is the YMBQ”? I don’t know, Anon. It may end up being up for people’s interpretation. Dany might end up burning the Iron Throne, if the theory about her accidentally burning King’s Landing actually happens. Dany might willingly melt the Iron Throne and install a new form of government that gives the smallfolk more political influence. Both of these possibilities could symbolize the end of Cersei’s desire for absolute power, even if Cersei and Dany don’t actually meet. I’m not even sure that there will be a moment that outright reveals that Dany is AA/PTWP/SWMTW (even though, IMO, the foreshadowing is way too overwhelming for it not to be her).

Speculating about Dany being the YMBQ is fun for me because it requires delving into her characterization, her parallels with Cersei and canon material in general. On the other hand, speculating about how this would actually happen is, IMO, less interesting (though I still enjoy reading what other people have to say) because it’s hard to accurately predict future plot points with the current information that we have (and I resent how fandom already accepts so many theories as unpublished canon). Dany has too many places to be and too many things to do and it’s not certain that she’ll be in King’s Landing when it burns (though I tend to think she will for the aforementioned reasons), the second dance of dragons can refer to different confrontations, it’s not certain that Dany needs to meet Cersei (or Young Griff or Stannis) to fulfill all these prophecies and it’s not certain that Dany is going to be explicitly revealed as the person who fulfills all these prophecies. We still have two books worth of plot development, so I really don’t think it’s possible to predict how the actual events will unfold. Sorry about not being able to give more definitive answers... I actually ended up making more questions. But that's kind of the point for now.

#daenerys targaryen #young griff #cersei lannister #asoiaf meta #asoiaf speculation #answered

[nerdyqueerandjewish]

I want to ask a question and I hope it doesn’t get taken the wrong way. So please forgive me if I offend you, but can you tell me what made you decide/learn you are trans? Like where did it all begin? I’m just curious because I, someone who is not trans, would like to kind of understand a little more as to what people feel with this sort of thing. You can be as specific or as general as you like obviously. It’s whatever you’re comfortable with. Thanks.

Sure! I feel people tend to assume that trans people “always knew” they were a different gender from a young age, and I didn’t feel that way at all so I like talking about it to challenge those stereotypes.

Tw- gender dysphoria / body talk / dated language, including slurs

Growing up I actually enjoyed being a girl for the most part. I like things that people considered feminine and I even felt sorry for the boys and thinking that I was glad I wasn’t one because they seemed so restricted in how they expressed themselves (didn’t realize at the time that i was actually grateful I didn’t need to deal with the expectations of toxic masculinity). I think as I got older I sort of knew I was “different” because I was bisexual, but I didn’t think about it in a gender way that much. Even though as a teenager I knew trans people existed in an abstract sense, the idea of me being trans wasn’t really on my radar. I do remember sometimes I would just really want facial hair. Like, I thought if I could just be a “bearded lady”, that would be great. I didn’t really think beyond that, I would say it sometimes to friends, like “UGH I’m just so jealous of so-and-so’s beard I know that’s so weird lol (but I guess I’m just weird and quirky like that)!” And in hindsight I’m like Oh that was dysphoria! I was feeling weird about gender but didn’t know what was going on.

When I was in college I got out of my small town bubble and actually was around other out lgbtq+ people, and I think that really allowed me to explore my gender expression more. I said before, I enjoy femininity, and that’s true, but a lot of the looking like what society expected a girl or woman to look like felt like a costume to me. It was enjoyable in the way that dressing in drag can be fun - but it didn’t feel like an authentic expression of myself. Not that like, questioning the sexist expectations society places on women makes people trans, but it felt like, it wasn’t just make-up and woman’s clothes - having a smooth, peach fuzz face felt like drag on me. I had boobs and I thought they looked nice but i felt like they were not an actual part of me and they got to a point where they actively bothered me / made me uncomfortable. My costume wasn’t a bad costume, but having it be my everyday reality was exhausting, and transitioning was a way for me to have a life where I didn’t feel like I was playing dress up all the time.

I identified as genderqueer and nonbinary for a long time because I didn’t know if I was a man or not. I defiantly didn’t identify with the idea of “wanting to be a man” or “wanting to be masculine.” My community was primarily queer women, and a lot of the trans men I knew were butch in the way they presented before they came out so I felt like being a trans man required a certain level of masculine gender presentation. Eventually I just kind of gave up finding a right word for me though and started more thinking like “what would I want to do if nobody was around? If no social pressure existed? Would I want to start testosterone? Would I want to have top surgery?” And the answer to those things ended up being yes. Reading about the trans scene in the 80s - 90s was also really helpful to me because things were a bit less focused on identity labels and more focused on being and doing what is best for yourself personally. Riki Ann Wilkins is an activist and in one of her books she has a quote that’s something like “I’m not invested in identifying as transsexual. I’m invested in being myself and feeling at home in myself, and society has certain words to label and communicate that idea.” And that really helped me start to focus on caring for myself and what I needed instead of trying to find the “right” answer to what I was. It was also reading her books that I found out that there was a subculture of transgender men (identifying as transfags) who rejected a lot of the masculinity that people saw inherent to male-ness and being a trans man and embraced gender nonconformity and their attraction to men. A lot of them also vocal about not wanting bottom surgery. Which, I know these things might not sound out there now, but it was actually pretty radical because adherence to gender roles, heterosexuality, and desire to “”fully”” transition was a requirement to get access to things like hormones and other parts of medical and legal transition. Anyway, I read about their existence and I was like holy shit !!! I can be a man in a gay way ?? And (related to the Rikki Ann Wilkins quote) being trans / being a trans man doesn’t need to be The Perfect Identity Label? It can just communicate some information relevant to my experience ?? Cool I guess I’m a trans man. I still consider myself nonbinary too, because I feel like that also communicates things about my experience with gender. I also feel comfortable using the term genderqueer to describe myself, but I feel like that term isn’t as used as frequently anymore.

I know that was probably long but there were multiple starts and beginnings of things. Gender feelings probably started around me being 15 years old, but I didn’t know they were gender feelings until I was around 19, and I didn’t really get settled in my own identity until I was around 25. So. It’s been a Time lol.

Also I just wanted to add - although I’m sure you get this and it’s just hard to know how to phrase things - there really isn’t a “decision” to be trans / have these feelings or experiences , it’s just what it is. But we do make decisions about what words to use to describe ourselves and decisions about social and medical aspects of transitioning. Some trans folks experience things so strongly that decisions are ones where they needed to pick a certain option. The option of not coming out or not taking certain steps in transitions are just not viable alternatives for them. I personally feel like I could have decided to not do certain things and survived, but my quality of would have been significantly worse and I wouldn’t be honoring my actual Self.

Also I know my experience revolved a lot around my experience relationship to my body, and following that, I know that’s not everyone’s experience. Totally cool to be a trans person who doesn’t experience dysphoria or be someone who really vibes with the newer wave of how we talk about identity, it’s just not me and I can’t speak on that experience 😎

#dysphoria tw #medical tw #long post #I never tag that but I’m trying to be polite lol

[the1918]

Some of you are familiar with my Sugar Daddy Bucky x Stevie AU, and if you are, I have some exciting news!

Sugar Baby Stevie is genderfluid!

(In an honest coincidence I happened across this information just before International Non-Binary People’s Day-- which is today!)

I have never written a nonbinary character before, so I was very excited when Stevie finally told me this! I’d like to share with everyone how I arrived at this conclusion as an author, and also tell you a little bit more about Steve. 

First, some background. When I originally wrote “All the Sugar in the World”, I set out to write a totally gratuitous porn-without-plot (PWP) story in which:

Sugar Daddy Bucky and his husband Steve shared a feminization kink. The point of this mutual kink was that they both got off on Steve, a self-identifying man (who I then assumed to be cisgendered), playing the heavily feminine character of “Daddy’s Pretty Wife”. 

This was a “sometimes but not all the time” bedroom dynamic for them and it was (and still is) purely sexual. “Daddy’s Pretty Wife” is a role play character for Steve, not an identity. This is the reason why in the story, Bucky uses she/her pronouns out loud when talking to Steve in-character, but refers to Steve by he/him pronouns in Bucky’s head.

As the author, I wrote both Steve and Bucky as cisgendered men, and I specified that Bucky is attracted exclusively to other men (Steve’s sexuality was not addressed).

In the other stories and head canons I have written in this AU I have always written Steve as being moderately to very effeminate both in and outside of the bedroom. This was and remains independent of the Daddy’s Pretty Wife role play character. It was made clear that he enjoys looking/feeling pretty while still identifying as a man.

So that’s how the character started for me. But lately, as I have been preparing to write a “how they met” and “first times” set of stories, I’ve thought more and more about Steve’s characterization outside of sexual role play and I’ve realized Steve’s truth: Stevie would not feel comfortable in a strict gender expression box!

Once I realized this, I immediately got writer’s block. It was like Steve would not let me write his character without recognizing that part of their identity and fleshing it out in my head. So... that’s why we’re here! I want you all to get to know Sugar Baby Stevie better. I’d also like to keep this on my blog as a standing author’s note that I can refer readers back to, because I do not plan on making this one, lone aspect of the character central to any given story; the most important and most immutable aspect of Steve’s character remains-- as always-- that Stevie likes to bounce on Daddy’s cock.

Sugar Baby Stevie:

Stevie is a genderfluid AMAB (assigned male at birth) person who prefers he/him pronouns almost all of the time, but is also fine with they/them.

But about 5% of the time, Stevie wakes up in the morning and says, “You know what? Today I am a woman.” On these days Steve prefers she/her pronouns but is still fine with they/them. Steve refers to these days as her “girly days” (or weeks).

Steve goes by “Steve” or “Stevie” no matter what kind of gender expression day they’re having. Stevie is a nickname, not a feminized version of Steve.

Steve is Bucky’s “husband” most days, but his “wife” on girly days. Steve is Bucky’s partner every day.

Bucky checks in with Steve every morning when they wake up with their own little language. He might say, “who’s my pretty sweetheart today?” and Steve might respond, “I’m your baby boy” or “Daddy’s best girl” or “who knows?”... or Steve might groan and roll over and say “ask me later Daddy, I’m sleepy”. 

Steve does not experience body dysphoria on her girly days. However, she does sometimes experience gender euphoria when Daddy Bucky or others gender her correctly! Daddy loves to make his baby girl smile bright like that.

Steve loves to feel pretty no matter what kind of gender expression day it is. He loves soft colors like pinks and pastels, and he loves glitter, and all of that is still true when she’s having girly days. Oh, and lace. Steve loves lace.

One of the many reasons Steve loves Bucky is that-- unlike some people Steve has encountered in the past-- Bucky does not fetishize Steve’s genderfluidity. The feminization kink they share (the “Daddy’s Pretty Wife” persona) is completely independent of Steve’s actual gender expression. They can even enjoy that role play on girly days if they want to and it still has the same impact, no differently than a cisgendered woman roleplaying a sexy French maid in bed. It’s a character.

Daddy refers to Steve’s ass as a “pussy” or a “cunt” regardless of Steve’s current gender expression, because Steve likes how dirty it sounds and because it’s a taboo-sounding kind of talk that gets them both going.

I have a lot of other head canons on this topic (Stevie is soooo talkative now that they’ve opened up to me about their gender!), but I’ll stop there for now.

Now that we know more about Steve’s own gender dynamic, I want to address (as a standing A/N) how my “author epiphany moment” has impacted my previous works in this series and how I have changed them (including re-writes and added author’s notes):

The AU/Series name has been changed from “Sugar Daddy Bucky and Twunk Stevie” to just “Sugar Daddy Bucky and Stevie”, because “twunks” are boys and sometimes Steve is not a boy!

“All The Sugar In The World” remains largely unchanged, because the premise is still completely valid in the context of Steve’s genderfluidity. The story takes place on a day when Steve identifies as a man (which he does most days) and Bucky is aware of that, which was also the situation when I posted the story originally. 

The main thing that has been changed about ATSITW is Bucky’s sexuality. In the original story it was implied that that Bucky is attracted exclusively to men (”gay as a daffodil”, my ode to Freddie Mercury). Looking back, I realized that what I was really feeling was that Bucky is attracted primarily to masculine bodies like Steve’s. Given the fact that Bucky is attracted to Steve independent of his chosen gender expression, I think he would more closely identify as bisexual with a preference for men. TL;DR: Bucky can’t get hung up on pronouns when his mouth is too full of Steve’s pussy to pronounce them.

The remaining fics and ficlets in that series all took place on “he/him” days, so again, no changes required.

I am SO excited to write more of these two in the future. They are all different kinds of kinky and they are so very, very in love <3

Thank you so much to @andysmountains​​ for being my counselor through this exploration and providing sensitivity reading, hype, and incredible head canons. Also, shout-out to @cantabile-l​ for being a magical trove of head canon detail.

Last--- I myself do not currently identify as non-binary, so I welcome input from my NB readers who have thoughts/comments/concerns/head canons about Steve!

#sugar baby stevie #my fic

[our-happygirl500-fan]

Okay okay okay okay, I know I’m asking a lot of stuff and probs annoying you. I’m currently reading about the character but what about her and Tim?? Like can I get a run down of everything about them. The good and bad?? Everytime I see things on here it’s either making Tim to be so bad (Anti-Tim ig) or Steph to be so bad and I’m sure they’re both at fault, yea?

No I’m happy to help.

Both Tim and Steph have made mistakes but not in an awful way and more in a ‘these are literal children dealing with serious situations while also trying to be in a relationship with one another’. 

The Steph being bad stuff entirely comes from the fact that she’s a female love interest to a boy who’s one half of a popular mlm ship, she’s made mistakes here and there but they’re human instances where she’s trying to do her best, fandoms often tend to erase or demonise female characters in any any fandom if they are involved in a ship. It’s a sexist habit that comes from reducing a female to only her romantic relationship and ignoring all her other connections and reeks of misogyny. There’s also some slut shaming as Steph was a teen pregnancy & a victim of sexual assault multiple times.

The anti Tim stuff is a bit more complicated, partly it’s a response to sexism where so many fans are sick of the misogyny directed at Steph that they go full throttle the other way or it comes from fans genuinely uncomfortable with Tim’s actions as this is comics and comics are usually written by sexist men which means Tim sometimes takes actions or says something that is not so great.

The important thing to remember about Tim and Steph is that they are each others best friends and they have been through so much together to the point where even if they were not dating they would still be one of the most important relationships the other had.

There is some worry that Tim and Steph feeds into each others complexes 

Tim and Steph both experienced neglect growing up in different ways which makes their attitude to love very different.

Tim's parents were never around most of the time which makes him sort of desperate for love, for validation and most of the time he seems to be of the sort that love is something he can earn if he just does the right thing or achieves the right goal which reflects on how he probably thought if he got good grades or made his parents proud they'd notice him more they'd spend time with him more.

Steph's childhood of neglect I guess you could say came from the sickness of her parents Arthur Brown was abusive to both his wife and daughter and Crystal's drug addiction making her barely able to raise Steph half the time. More often than not it was Steph taking care of the house hold and her mother than any adult looking out for Steph.

With the neglect Steph went through she knew that there was nothing /she/ herself could do to change it, she couldn't magically make her mother quit taking drugs or stop her father from committing crimes by winning an award or behaving well, heck most of her childhood was just trying to keep her and her mum alive so in contrast with Tim who is desperate to receive love Steph is desperate to give love. Because if she's giving love to this person that means they care about her too right? 

This comes across in how easy Steph is willing to poor love into people who are even remotely nice to her like the second Barbara or Bruce stop treating her like shit she's immediately like 'I would die for you'. The second her mother is sober enough to notice her Steph is there being like 'mom I love you I would protect you with my life'. Cass is slightly nice to her? She is now Steph's best friend.

Tim is desperate to receive unconditional affection while Steph is desperate to give unconditional affection which would explain why they are drawn to one another but enough about the meta and onto their actual history.

Steph became a vigilante originally to stop her fathers crimes, the entire point of Spoiler was an abuse victim taking agency back from her abuser and due to Tim being Robin and also investigating the same crimes the two would run into each other multiple times, there was an attraction between the two however neither truly pursued anything due to the fact that Tim was dating another girl and Steph was ‘seeing’ a guy (though the relationship was implied to be unhealthy as he was significantly older, Steph only being around 14 at the time, and showed little in Steph’s actual well being).

However despite the two already being in relationships the two developed keen banter together and quickly began to enjoy the others presence what arguably set then on the path towards a relationship however is when Tim very nearly died and Steph managed to save him at the last second, Tim was so relieved that he kissed Steph sparking a romantic interest from Steph and Tim beginning to realise he had feelings for her.

Steph would then continue fighting crime outside of her fathers crimes as Steph realised that as Spoiler she could help other abuse victims such as herself. Steph’s entire life can be described as falling through the cracks in the system no one caring about the abuse and unsafe situations that she grew up with and Steph’s early journey as Spoiler is her realising that even though no one had cared when she was abused and hurt she could be the person who would care for other people so no one would suffer the way she did. Steph aiming to fight crime meant that she and Tim ran into each other even more working multiple cases together until it eventually culminated into Tim admitting that he had feelings for Steph but due to his loyalty to Batman he could never tell her his secret identity however Steph told him that that was enough for her, the two ended their previous relationships and started dating.

This is actually where a lot of criticism over the relationship is from due to the obvious power imbalance Tim knows every detail of Steph’s life while controlling all information Steph has on him and only lets her interact with Robin. Tim has also been shown to be rather possessive of Steph controlling her interactions with other members of the superhero community and expressing alarm in her spending time with other heroes who are not him.

There is also the fact that for a large part every man Stephanie has ever interacted with have been abusive in some way, her home life was incredibly dangerous due to her mother and fathers friends all being criminals or victims and Steph had to deal with at least two instances of child predators growing up so to many readers it becomes increasingly obvious that Tim might very well be the first man Steph ever interacted with who treated her with human decency and that is why she fell in love with him.

After the relationship started Steph found out that she had become pregnant from her previous relationship and the reader discovers that Steph’s previous boyfriend on top of being awful to her was also using her for sex. Steph tells Tim about the pregnancy fully expecting him to break up with her however Tim states that he is going to be there to support Steph. The two grow even closer as Tim becomes someone for Steph to lean on wearing disguises to take Steph to birthing classes and helps Steph through the process of putting the baby up for adoption. Tim is even there when the child is born.

The incident made Tim and Steph even closer and afterwards the two continue dating and remain close, Steph quickly becomes what could be considered Tim’s safe place as he is able to leave any problems as Tim Drake or Robin away and simply enjoy being with her and during times where Tim is unable to visit Steph he is shown to be tense and disgruntled without the positive emotional outlet however after nearly over a year and a half of dating Steph begins to realise that the dynamic of the relationship is uneven as Tim has complete control and knowledge over her own life while she knows nothing about Tim’s life out of the mask. Steph begins to worry about merely being used and starts openly wishing that Tim would let her be more involved with his life outside of Robin.

Tim meanwhile is beginning his rebellious phase against Batman and Bruce takes actions to try and nip it in the bud as Dick’s rebellious phase ended with Dick leaving Batman for the Titans and Jason’s rebellious phase ended with Jason dead. Bruce attempts to control Tim by using Steph revealing Tim’s secret identity to Tim. After that point Bruce would continually manipulate Steph in a gambit to manipulate Tim and Tim expresses frustration at Bruce using Steph to get to him.

Bruce and Steph’s relationship is incredibly complicated in its own right as Steph has a childhood admiration of Batman as he was the only one who seemed to be able to stop her fathers abuse by putting him in prison. This childhood admiration causes Steph to follow and respect Bruce no matter how many times his actions hurt her. Bruce on the other hand has a lot of issues regarding Steph as Steph reminds him a lot of Jason and Bruce puts a lot of his unresolved issues regarding his dead son on her which as you might assume does not end well for Steph at all.

Outside of Bruce’s meddling however Steph and Tim grow increasingly close no longer having to worry about secret identities the two go on regular dates and are there for each other in every aspect of their lives. However Tim’s father finds out about Robin and forces him to quit and Steph who had been dating Tim ‘batman needs a Robin’ Drake for years was firmly of the belief that ‘Gotham needs a Robin’ at which point Steph herself becomes the fourth Robin though it is heavily implied that once again Bruce is manipulating Steph in order to manipulate Tim into coming back.

Then DC enters its dark ages where they kill off characters left and right and Steph is tortured, raped and killed in a Gotham wide gang war primarily for Bruce angst so that Bruce can go ‘oh god it’s Jason all over again I knew she was girl Jason I knew it’ mean while Tim has what can probably be best described as a mental break down over Steph’s death and the subsequent death of his father and multiple friends. This causes Tim to become cold, cynical and increasingly dark and pessimistic (he has depression).

However Steph comes back to Gotham two years later alive again and it is revealed that Leslie Thompkin’s essentially kidnapped Steph to Africa for two years and faked Steph’s death in order to try and save Steph from being a soldier in Batman’s crusade. Steph was Leslie’s ward for two years but realised that she could literally not stop fighting crime as in Africa Steph literally started dressing up as an African legend and started fighting crime there, eventually convincing Leslie that they needed to go back to Gotham the two returned and Tim was over the moon to see Steph alive kissing her on sight, however Tim realises that he essentially had a break down over Steph death for nothing and expresses resentment over Steph letting him believe that she was dead for two years. Steph who had spent the past to years recovering physically and mentally from the trauma of being tortured for days prior to Leslie faking Steph’s death and Steph essentially not having had a choice in Leslie’s plan to fake her death is just like ‘I don’t know what to tell you buddy’ 

Steph is still Tim’s emotional home, immediately relying on her for emotional support once again and the two are shown to still love each other however the two had changed a great deal over the time they were apart. Steph having had an adult finally care about her well being for the first time in her life grew much more positive into someone who believed in the inherent good in people and in hope while Tim had grown harsh and dark and cynical. The two even joke about how Steph has become an optimist while Tim had become a pessimist. Steph is like a beam of light for Tim who had become increasingly dark and Tim finds himself being both wary of it and drawn to it.

Then Bruce gets back to his old tricks of using Steph to manipulate Tim and gives Steph instructions to challenge Tim in order to improve Tim’s skills as a crime fighter. Steph on Bruce’s orders employs and assassin to fight Tim however the assassin goes to far and Steph is injured trying to protect Tim. Tim realising that Bruce is once again manipulating Steph to get to him as well as having an inherent fear of Steph dying again demands that Steph should not be a vigilante any longer never mind that Steph literally can not stop fighting crime which causes a rift between the two.

The superhero community then believe that Batman is dead and Tim leaves Gotham to prove that Bruce is alive while Tim is gone from Gotham Cass makes Steph the new Batgirl and Steph becomes incredibly close to Barbara and Damian and as Batgirl makes several friends within the masked community no longer having her interactions be controlled by Tim or Bruce. Steph starts coming into her own and building up her self confidence, when Tim returns he is once again upset that Steph is still fighting crime his fear of Steph dying still going strong and acts condescending towards Steph’s attempts to help him however Steph proves herself in sheer level of skill and prowess and Tim accepts her as a vigilante and the new Batgirl accepting that Steph will not die again. Tim then attempts to rekindle their romantic relationship however Steph realises that she had been too dependent on Tim’s love and wishes to improve herself as a person before she even thinks of entering a relationship again. The two remain close friends however Tim expresses attraction towards Steph multiple times (Tim is the horniest little fuck during this time in their lives and Steph is literally out their trying to live her life and better herself as a person and get a university degree it’s hilarious)

If Convergence is to believe the two would always eventually get back together in one way or another the two issues being about their romantic interest in each other and getting back together.

After the reboot happens when they meet again Tim immediately expresses romantic interest in Steph while Steph herself is wary of Tim as in this universe both her mother and her father are criminals who have tried to kill her and Steph has effectively been homeless living in public libraries or where ever she can. It is unknown when but Tim offers Steph a place to live at his apartment and a some point the two eventually enter a romantic relationship.

A lot of fans have criticised this as Steph is entirely financially dependent on Tim for food and shelter and once again Tim holds more power than Steph in the relationship. Also in the rebooted universe Tim is Steph’s only support system as her parents tried to kill her, her father murdered any civilians she was close to in order to hurt her and any connections Steph had before the reboot have had vast amounts of their history erased.

Steph has also been shown to be responsible for a lot of Tim’s mental health as she has to stop him from crossing lines or going off the deep end multiple times it is described as Tim having a tendency of walking a dark path when he is alone. 

Steph and Tim are both presented as each others support systems in current comics and when Tim wanted to leave Gotham in order to research the multiverse Steph went with him as the two rely on each other.

I don’t believe there is a good guy or bad guy in their relationship both Tim and Steph want what’s best for each other but sometimes these views don’t line up which causes conflict but at the end of the day they are two people that care about each other a great deal and whether they are in a relationship or not they will always be one of the most important people in each others lives.

The relationship is criticised by the fandom as fans either fetishise mlm relationships and are angry at Steph ‘getting in the way’ an unfortunate trend in all fandoms and on the other side many are tired of female characters being reduced to their romantic relationships.

TimSteph is a cute ship with a deep connection and a lot of history proving that they care about each other a great deal but sexism and misogyny are things that exist especially in fandom spaces and that creates a nightmare.

#asks #DC comics #stephanie brown #tim drake #dc #timsteph #boy these two have been through a lot #but yeah the ships fine people just hate woman and fetishise gay relationships

[saybees]

Some rather personal and tmi stuff, but I feel like I need to get it out somewhere and I don’t have anyone I really feel I can talk to about this now. It’s very long.

I’d like to start by saying that if you’re reading this please don’t tell me to just dump him. It isn’t that simple and it just isn’t helpful to say that to me.

So Jon and I have had issues in the past with porn. Jon has a porn addiction. I didn’t discover this until maybe a year into our relationship when I walked into the bathroom one day and he was watching porn and masturbating. At first I was more shocked than anything and didn’t know how to react, but it quickly turned into feeling really hurt.

I tried to talk to him about it and told him that it bothered me that he was doing that and it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and our sex was too boring for him. It made me feel so inadequate that he had to go somewhere else for that stuff. He didn’t see the issue with it and because porn has become so normalized in our society and he has maintained that he doesn’t understand why it’s an issue for me, despite that I have explained to him many times that it really bothers me and makes me feel shitty. It feels like cheating.

Eventually I asked him to leave the bathroom door open when he goes in there because I didn’t really trust him. That didn’t stop him, however, and he continued to masturbate to porn in the bathroom even though the door was cracked open. I caught him and was really upset. It hasn’t happened again since I caught him with the door open.

I can’t even count how many times we have had this conversation/argument. It just hurts a lot and I really am so tired of having this talk with him. I asked my therapist that I used to see if I was being unreasonable and she said I wasn’t. She fully agreed with me that I wasn’t asking too much of him to stop doing it.

He doesn’t do it at home anymore, but I’m pretty sure he does when he’s at work. He’ll take a washroom break and very likely will do it then because he accidentally let it slip recently that he still masturbates. He tried very hard to redirect and I pretended I didn’t notice, but it’s been eating at me.

It wouldn’t bother me so much if he didn’t have a porn problem. I just feel like he doesn’t find me attractive or sexy. We don’t have sex very often at all and I pretty much always have to initiate it, which reinforces those feelings that I’m not what he wants. I don’t feel sexy enough or pretty enough and I’ve always had issues with feeling like I have an ugly face so this really makes it worse.

He used to follow lots of Instagram models, but has since unfollowed a lot of them, although there are still two at least that I’m pretty sure are Instagram models. Their accounts are private and I’m not going to follow them to find out what’s up. I’ll only hurt my own feelings even more than I did just going through the list of people he follows on Instagram.

I know I should talk to him about it again, but I am just so sick of having this conversation with him. Neither of us want to talk about it. He doesn’t want to because he feels guilty about it (obviously, since he has been hiding it) and I don’t want to talk about it anymore because the whole thing just makes me feel so terrible.

There was one incident where Jon had downloaded Tinder behind my back and he was showing me something on his phone when a notification popped up and it turned into me feeling like he was cheating and I cried and then he cried and it was a whole thing. He deleted it and hasn’t done anything like that since, but he didn’t include on his profile that he was in a relationship and wouldn’t give me an explanation as to why and he just wouldn’t say much other than that he wanted to make friends and talk to people, but it was just horrible and traumatic for me and for some reason I let him convince me that he was genuine and I stayed, although I really question that decision sometimes because it still deeply bothers me and I’m not entirely convinced he wouldn’t cheat on me after that. I just have a very hard time trusting him after the Tinder thing and the porn stuff. And I just feel like we didn’t really get to the bottom of that whole issue, but it feels like it was too long ago to talk about it again despite that it still bothers me.

I know we have to talk about it more, but I just don’t want to fucking do this anymore. I’m exhausted.

We might be moving to a different place in town here at some point and if he does end up buying another house I’m going to have to talk to him about this and if he isn’t willing to give up porn completely then I won’t be moving with him and I’ll stay in our current rental and we will be done because I know I will not be happy being with him for the rest of our lives if he can’t quit porn and I’ll always have to worry about it.

I did some googling and found countless articles of women (and others) saying they felt shitty that their men/partners watched porn behind their backs. So many other people who feel the same as I do and have been damaged by this kind of thing. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this, but it’s so terrible that so many people feel like this. It hurts a lot.

I’ve done some light research on the negative effects of porn and it really does seem to be very harmful, particularly for relationships. And I know he has been watching porn since he was very young, he’s talked to me about it before. I do truly believe porn is incredibly harmful and it is FAR too easy to get access to it. I feel like porn has hurt our relationship and our sex life a lot.

For our anniversary one year I even did a boudoir shoot by myself at home and made him a little book with sexy photos of me and gave it to him and he said he loved it, but he hasn’t looked at it since I gave it to him. That’s a real punch to the gut.

There was one other incident where our one friend, a lesbian, sent him and a few others a snapchat video of her making out with another girl that he used to hang out with when they were younger and they weren’t wearing tops (this girl is wild and does all kinds of stupid shit when she drinks, which is all the time) and he saved it for later. I found out because she had called him crying because someone she sent it to recorded it and sent it around to other people and everybody found out about it and this other girl had a boyfriend, but anyway he told me what was going on and he went to pull it up to show me, but she had deleted it and he told me he had saved it. I asked why and at first he lied and said he saved it so she could see it later and maybe think about what she had done, but I saw through that pretty quick. Eventually he admitted to me that he had fantasized about a threesome with those two girls and that’s why he saved it. This was not too long ago. Like late 2020. I was mad and needed some time to think and told him we would talk about it, but eventually I just told him that I didn’t want to have this discussion again (which I shouldn’t have done because I let him off the hook basically) and that if he felt like he needed to hide something from me that should be enough to know he shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. With that he said okay and we never talked about it again.

I just feel like I’m putting a lot into this relationship and he isn’t being considerate of me here. He makes excuses as to why he feels like he has to get off all the time and that it helps him wake up in the mornings or that he functions better once he’s done it (untrue, he functions the same no matter what) and it drives me up a wall that he will choose that over having sex with me?????? Like, hi hello I am a human woman(adjacent) and I am willing to have sex with you literally whenever you want!!!!!! And you’ll still choose watching porn and jerking off instead??????????????????????! Yeah, I totally feel like you want me. I totally feel loved and feel like you find me attractive. Yep. You watch porn of women who are a million times more beautiful and sexy than I will ever be and they do things I could never do or just don’t want to do and you’ll choose that over ME and tell me that you do think I’m attractive and sexy and that you love me, but you hardly actually prove that to me.

He doesn’t call me pretty unless I basically ask him to, which sucks because if I ask for the compliment it doesn’t feel real, but if I don’t ask I’ll never hear it. He is quite affectionate with me generally, cuddling up and stuff, holding my hand sometimes when driving, that type of stuff, but I almost never hear him, unprompted, tell me I’m pretty.

I don’t know, it just really bothers me and of course I have to be feeling like this right in the morning when I have a ton of school work I should do. I just feel really sad now. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I don’t know who to go to for advice. My best buddy Ryan is having kinda the same issue with his girlfriend, but they both watch porn (they don’t live together like Jon and I do) and she has been feeling insecure about Ryan’s porn habits, but she also watches porn and I know they had a talk about it all the other day, but I don’t feel like it’s any of my business to ask how it went or anything because it just straight up isn’t, but Ryan is who I have primarily talked to about this whole thing and he’s been very sympathetic to me about it and idk I just don’t know what to do or who to turn to. The last time I talked to my therapist it was about this whole thing and she basically told me to do my own research and that she didn’t have anything else to say to me about it (because we had talked about it multiple times) and that felt really shitty and like I wasn’t allowed to still be having this issue so I stopped going to her and haven’t seen anyone else since.

I love him a lot, I really do, and we get along really well, usually, but this just hurts a lot and I know I should never have put up with as much as I have. I should have set more boundaries and been firmer with them. It feels so fucking bad that he’s done this time and time again and gone behind my back with this shit and I keep talking to him about it and it keeps happening.

I’ve mostly avoided talking about this here because it feels so personal and gross and like I shouldn’t talk about it (that’s that Christian guilt). I hate that society makes sex and related issues to be such a dirty topic and that we can’t talk about it because I feel really alone and shitty about this. I try to push it down and ignore it, but it’s so hard to do and I’m just really sad...

#personal #this whole thing makes me feel so fucking bad #i'm really sad rn #this whole thing makes me so anxious and i just don't want to deal with it at all anymore #but i know i need to because it'll just keep eating away at me if i don't deal with it

[greycappedjester]

What is your take on Barbara in your Young Justice story? As in what comics or shows inspired you? Also, how is she handling(i don't know another word) her feeling for Dick? From what I can take is that she still loves him; she wants him to be happy and will do things for him to accomplish that. Idk i don't think she has time to really "move on" even if she tried because she will always be there for him... along with the other bat-family

Thank you so much! Hmmm, I love Babs a lot but I’m trying to think of where I primarily draw her character from--probably a mix of her Oracle days, Birds of Prey, some Batgirl Year One, with a bit of fandom in general, Young Justice (ofc), and the Batman animated show I watched when I was younger. Anything that shows Barbara as competent, efficient, a badass but also clearly cares about her family and the people she works with. She’s such a great example of a character that can both act marvelously and unhesitatingly in a support role without making supporting others seem lesser in any way--because really how would any of the Batfamily in the 90s-early 2000s get anything done without her--while also being a hero/ main character in her own right (with Oracle and Birds of Prey).

For how she’s dealing with her feelings--I think what you said is fair: she loves him, she wants him to be happy and is glad that he seems to be with Kory, she does have trouble moving on completely because they always work together. It’s essentially Barbara’s a wonderful person about prioritizing her goals--her top goal is to keep her loved ones (and Gotham) safe through anyway she can help them. As long as she has that, she can be happy...even if she sometimes is too selfless in that she removes herself from (or allows) situations where she thinks she’s too biased even if she thinks the situation is ill-considered.....that’ll make sense a lot more after the next year arc, promise.

Bonus very short story under break because I feel like it explains it better than my ramble.

Here is a piece of dialogue I wrote from a short story in Barbara’s POV. It’s not finished so I won’t post all of it; but, it’s called “Prom” and takes place between Year 2 and Year 3 (so post Batgirl, pre-Kory’s arrival on Earth).

-----

Barbara Gordon is in love with Dick Grayson.

She doesn’t let it affect her that much. 

There’s more important things to worry about.

Namely being Batgirl, Gotham’s newest vigilante of about a year and a really good one if she does say so herself. And with that comes other worries. Like containing Arkham breakouts. And patrolling Crime Alley. And tracking down leads on whatever new addition there is to Gotham’s ever expanding list of batshit insanity. And going through the next torture mislabled as a training exercise because “we can never be too prepared, right, Babs?”. Or, hey, speaking of which, trying to make sure neither she nor Dick die in this nightmare of a city that she adores so much.

And then, there’s the additional joy of keeping all of the above mentioned vigilante activities out of the attention of her father aka the Police Commissioner aka one of the most observant men in Gotham.

The point is Barbara doesn’t have time to be part of anyone’s unrequited teenage love story, even if it’s her own.

All of which normally works out pretty darn well except for one occasional fact.

Dick Grayson is an idiot.

Big blue eyes look up at her imploringly from across the lunch table and Babs momentarily contemplates stabbing him with her fork.

“I just thought it would be a good idea,” he explains before hurrying to add, “if you don’t already have someone you want to go with, I mean.”

“You’re asking me to prom,” she says incredulously. “Wait, you’re telling me you don’t have a date to prom?”

Dick hesitates. “Um, well, no, I don’t. Not exactly.”

Barbara blinks, narrows her eyes, and then mentally translates that through her built in Dick Grayson decodifier. The answer comes alarmingly quickly.

“In other words, people asked you and you turned them down. So now, you have to find a date if you want to go and not look like an asshole,” she concludes.

Dick blushes and she knows she’s right.

Not that there was ever really a question because, unlike her, Dick actually is popular. Insanely so considering, like her, he’s two years younger than most of their classmates and makes the absolute minimal effort to be part of any extracurricular activities besides sporadic decathlon appearances.

Then again, maybe it’s not that surprising when you factor back in the whole billionaire heir status plus the...well, okay, the unfair levels of attractiveness and grace Dick exudes as unconsciously as breathing.

Dick smiles sheepishly and Barbara swears she hears a girl two tables away actually sigh.

“I just thought it would be more fun to go with you,” Dick insists and Barbara’s traitorous little heart might have skipped if he didn’t immediately follow it with, “as friends, you know?”

Barbara continues to stare at him because dang it, she might have tripped into a bad teen movie but she still has her pride.

“If you’re just asking me because you think I don’t have a date--”

Dick’s eyes immediately widen. “No! Babs, that’s not it at all, I swear!” He sighs, checking the cafeteria before leaning in. “It’s just...you know how things can get kind of, ah, busy all of the sudden for us, right?”

Oh….

Barbara nods, feeling like an idiot. She should have known it would all come back to vigilante stuff.

Dick looks relieved. “I just don’t want to agree to go to prom with someone when I’ve got to ditch them last minute if something comes up.”

“Oh,” she says, mostly on autopilot. “And at least if we go together and something happens…”

“We won’t be letting anyone down.” Dick smiles before shrugging. “And, if nothing happens, then I still get to go to prom with one of my best friends. Win-win.”

Barbara forces herself to swallow. “Win-win.”

“So, what do you say?” Dick’s smile goes a little bit mischievous. “Barbara Gordon, will you go to prom with me?”

The sad thing is that when it comes down to it, she doesn’t have to think about it.

“Sure, Dick.”

Dick’s face lights up, endearing in all the ways it’s not infuriating. “Really?”

Barbara shrugs, pulling up a smile. “What can I say? You know I love dancing.”

-----

Since apparently this is her life now, Barbara gives in to overdramatic impulses and throws herself onto the couch before finding a thick enough pillow to scream into.

When she finally lets the pillow slide off her face, her dad’s staring at her from over a heavy stack of case files.

“Bad day at school?”

She smiles sardonically. “I got a date for prom.”

“....Oh.” He frowns and there’s something Babs always finds oddly touching about the utter panicked confusion the hardened police commissioner shows with anything approaching the emotions of teenage girls. He shoulders through. “I thought you weren’t going to prom.”

“I wasn’t,” she agrees. Frankly, she thinks she could go her entire life without seeing classmates she barely talks to swaying awkwardly in a cramped gymnasium.

Her dad’s frown deepens. “Who’s the guy?”

She sighs, closing her eyes, already knowing how this will go. “Dick Grayson.”

“Ah...well that’s--”

“He asked me as friends,” she finishes.

Silence greets her response and Barbara shuts her eyes a bit tighter.

If there’s one thing she absolutely hates about being in love with Dick Grayson, it’s the fact that everyone else in her life already knows. Everyone except Dick.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

“It’s fine, Dad.”

“You want me to shoot him?”

She chokes on a laugh, finally opening her eyes. “You can’t. You’re a cop. The police frown on things like murder.”

He gives her a look, a smile creeping in under his moustache. “It’s Gotham, Barbara.”

She stands up, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

“Don’t.” She smiles. “Gotham still needs one honest cop left.”

“Drats.” He catches her hand, smile evening out as he meets her eyes. “If he doesn’t see what’s in front of him, honey, then he doesn’t deserve you.”

Barbara squeezes his hand in lieu of answering.

That’s the thing no one ever seems to get. 

It isn’t that Dick doesn’t see her. In fact, she’s pretty sure Dick sees her better than anyone.

He’s her partner, the best friend she’s ever had, the one thing she knows she can always count on.

But, he’s not in love with her.

-------

Thanks for the ask!

[rachelillustrates]

An Exploration of Kiliel

OKAY, fandom thoughts on my art blog because of Story Study.

My Wife and I finally watched The Hobbit movies, so I’ve finally gotten to Kiliel (..... ❤ ) and I have some headcanons/thoughts about Tauriel’s introduction to the story, the flow of their romance, and what’s important.

(So this will be part meta, part headcanon as I sort that out.)

What’s striking me right away - other than the fact that I came into these movies ALREADY shipping them and am damn pleased about it, thanks Tumblr - is that we are given.... well, bupkis on Tauriel’s motivations and backstory. And the person I’m watching these movies with, who I love very much, was quick to point out that her introduction and immediate positioning as a Romantic Female Lead could read very shallow to the casual viewer.

(Which I am not, thank the Gods.)

So, what of Tauriel’s backstory and deeper life goals? Digging into the fandom, I found notes that her parents were killed by Orcs when she was young, and that Legolas took her under his wing afterward (making him her mentor, and thus making the idea of their romance even less attractive to me, since that means he would hold even MORE sway and authority over her and there would be very little equality for her there. Also, Gimli).

But that’s it. And we’re not given that in the main plot of the movie at all.

What we are given is the information that she’s conscious of the dangers to the outside world, and wants to protect her people by stopping those dangers at the source, despite contrary orders from her King.

So what I think the movie intended, with that scene where she talks to the Elvenking about her concerns and how she immediately chooses to go after the Dwarves later - motivated primarily by the thought of saving Kili - is that Tauriel has a deeper drive to help save the whole world from the threats she sees to it. Because of what happened to her parents, because she knows the spiders are coming from outside their borders, etc. The featurette “Tauriel: Daughter of the Forest” says of her “She has a great curiosity of other races, of the world outside - she literally hasn’t been anywhere...” (mentioned in part 2, part 1 is here). So, to me, her motivations for leaving Mirkwood include that - as well as saving this Dwarf she feels an inexplicably deep bond with already.

On that note, I wish they had gone a bit deeper into her and Kili's immediate connection than what we were shown. I do appreciate how she insisted on fending for herself, in their Battle Couple introduction, and how Kili immediately accepted her for who she is - the trousers joke was, admittedly, a little uncomfortable for me due to personal reasons, but I think it could be read as him meeting her aggression in battle with aggressive flirting, and in that light, her positive response to it (in what she said to Legolas, and in returning to check on him of her own volition) makes a lot more sense to me. And while I really enjoyed and understood the Feast of Starlight scene, those less romance-genre minded than myself may not have understood that as deep "enough” (for more of the intentions of the plot in that scene and the take the actors had on it, click here. Includes a hysterical Leoglas moment at the end!). 

Rewatching it, I do see and recognize how deep their connection is and how meaningful what they choose to share of themselves is - especially with the idea of Kili honoring and respecting (nay, being attracted to) her ferocity, and the fact that most of her kin probably don't automatically respect her for such things. The sexism among the Elves is not as bad as it is with humans, but it is still there. Who knows how much Tauriel has had to fight for her place as the Captain of the Guard, being a woman. And again, it probably wasn’t as bad for her as it was for, say, Eowyn - but no matter how much space there is for women to step up and be active agents of the story in the mythology of the world, Tolkien didn’t choose to make women part of the action, actively, most of the time. So the world still reads as a mostly Men-at-War, Women-at-Home place. And that has to have had an impact on Tauriel’s life. And in addition to how charming Kili is, just as himself, the fact that he sees that part of her, respects her and admires her FOR it, must hold a lot of weight.

Another part of what I've seen, in re-immersing myself in the fandom now, has been this idea that both Kili's culture and Tauriel's culture have an idea of soulmates, the One person who, when you meet them, shakes you to your core, and you are never the same again. I really think that's what the writing was going for (see Evangeline Lily’s comments in part 2 of “Tauriel: Daughter of the Forest,” particularly), but it wasn't given the space and depth that it needed to be apparent on surface level of casual viewing. 

So, from my fangirling perspective, I imagine that they both felt that right away, but were so surprised by it - because of the unexpectedness of their circumstances, and the animosity between their peoples- that they didn't know how to handle it, and fell into awkward humor, and slightly clumsy attempts to get to know each other as they tried to sort it out.

I imagine that Tauriel's outright denial of any connection to Legolas, and immediate acceptance of his father's racism toward her in that context, was also swayed by her newfound feelings. They (Tauriel and Kili) probably did talk more, as well, about their families and their deepest dreams after the Feast of Starlight scene cut off. We just aren’t given that information.

(Anyone else for a romantic adventure Kiliel-centric mini series?)

Then of course, we are given the healing scene. What I got from this, beyond their romance, was that Tauriel always looks to be helpful. When she takes the athelas from Bofur, she looks like she’s had a revelation. She realizes she can help, she can heal Kili, and that gives her an outlet of action for all the confusing feelings she’s having. She goes right into business mode about that - and Kili, all pained and fevered, barely realizes it’s her. But when he does, he looks at her in wonder (with a fever-dream angelic view of the magic around her, even! Sidenote - I LOVE how messy her hair was. Both beauty and realistic adventure life). And she looks back at him with such serious kindness, telling him to trust her, without words. Of course, he does....only to then believe that she wasn’t there at all, and spill his heart out to this apparition of the person he already knows he loves.

And in that, he is so sure that she’s beyond his reach, even though he knows he loves her already. Even though as he talks about how she’s on another level of existence than his, his action is still to reach for her hand, still reaching for her, despite the words he’s saying. He still wants to believe it is possible - that they are possible - even as he’s trying to accept that they can never be.

Which, of course, leads into the beach scene. After the whirlwind of surviving Smaug’s attack, too (extra shoutout to the writing there, regarding Tauriel and Bard’s children - she’s aware enough to realize that Bard’s son is the only one of the three of them that might have had any sliver of training for situations like this, because human misogyny, so she uses that to protect all of them - “Your sisters will die if we stay here,” etc. - but as soon as he runs off to help his father, she still makes the girls her priority, as well as the Dwarves. Headcanoning that if Kili had survived, and they married and moved into Erebor, she would have damn well taught those girls how to fight).

Anyway, back to the beach. I think my favorite part of that moment, other than the Heart Wrenching Perfection of what Kili says to her (and how it’s acted!), is that he has realized that she wasn’t a fever dream after all - that he did, in fact, say all those potentially embarrassing romantic feely-feels things right to her actual face - and instead of being embarrassed, he just GOES for it. He is that sure. Sure enough, that even when she can’t let herself reciprocate his feelings (even though she clearly does - and she doesn't say no, btw, she is interrupted by Legolas' arrival and thusly the reminder of her duty and her 'place') he then gives her the token from his mother, to let her know she’ll always be in his heart, no matter what she decides. And he almost doesn't, he almost leaves, but turns back in the last moment, in that desperate, loving attempt to try again. No matter how impossible it seems.

MY freaking heart.

Also, when Tauriel then learns of her banishment, she looks shaken at first - but quickly, almost relieved. See here, at about 39 seconds in. She has clearly been fighting against her own heart each moment since Kili came into her life - even though, as I mentioned before, he provides a grand excuse for her to go help other people beyond Mirkwood’s borders. And now, released from the obligations she has to her people, to her King, who doesn’t fully respect her anyway, she is free to do what she could not just moments ago. She is free to choose her own path - to follow her heart, and her ambitions to help the world.

Of course, she follows Legolas first - the path of least resistance being to follow her mentor and Prince. And I get from that that she’s shut herself off from her own emotions for so long - likely due to her parent’s death, early in her life - that she really doesn’t know what to do with herself, in that freedom, and in love. So, following her nearest authority figure, giving herself a moment to breathe and decide later, seems natural.

But, luckily, that path leads right back Erebor.

And unluckily, right into the tragic ending.

But first, she confronts the Elvenking (who has banished her, and therefore freed her, though that was not his intention) about his refusal to stay and help. His concern for his own people, again, will lead to them not being there to save the lives of others suffering in the world around them. And she’s not having that - in general, even if a large part of it is her love for Kili. The script focuses only on that love - with Thranduil refusing to accept that she really loves Kili, comparing what he imagines she feels to what he felt for his late wife, it seems - but there is so much in her whole narrative that has already pointed to her desire to help the whole world, even before she lets herself start feeling for Kili. And this moment plays right into that deeper motivation.

Of course, her story being a romance, finding and protecting Kili is her first priority. And sadly, that goes, as we know, badly.

It bothers me a LOT that she “had” to be damseled in the Big Fight. BUT. We at least get the strength of their connection before she gets trampled by Bolg (and the surety of her voice when she calls for him, and the focus that hearing her, and his calling back out to her, gives him - yes. It’s subtle, but its very strong and very there). And at least they get to see each other one last time - Kili knows, no matter what happens, she chose to come after him after all.

And all the emotion, in her watching him die, and him realizing what they’ve lost even though she did choose him.....ugh. My heart, again. They are both just so clearly broken - Tauriel so confused, not able to accept that its come to this, after she chose to find him, after everything. Kili so brokenhearted that after all his hoping - after she chose him back - they still can’t be together (not to mention the fact that he’s just lost his brother, too, the only other person we see him love as intensely as her). And then, in the last moments of (this part of) the fight, when Kili is gone and Tauriel is alone again, her pain is so great, her anger so clear, her love so deep, she is willing to use her own momentum and throw herself off the tower’s edge with Bolg, just to try and make for damn sure that he pays for what he’s done.

(I will forever maintain that the fact that that didn’t kill him - that SHE didn’t get to kill him - is a travesty. Especially with his murder of Kili, but also for the gross tongue thing. Very uncomfortable with what that implied.)

I’m gonna skip over the intervention of Legolas to save her life, cause that’s not important here, suffice to say that once again I am Pissed as Hell that they felt the need to damsel her so much. Sigh. I must assume, from a writing standpoint, that they chose to nerf her in this battle because she’s never been involved in war like this - fights to protect Mirkwood, yes, but not War Battle. HOWEVER, there are ways for them to have written through that and not made her look so weak. Especially considering that she is a seasoned warrior - AND had fought Orcs before, as we saw in “The Desolation of Smaug” - and between her and Kili, who one of Thorin’s strongest warriors, they should have at least been able to do better together. Crudmuffins! That, of course, would have messed with the outcome of the source material, but who of us would really be complaining? Hmm? (Sorry Tolkien.)

Their canon story ends, of course, with Tauriel having to come to terms with her feelings and Kili’s death all at once. As as much as I spent most of the movies harshing on Thranduil (except to honor how fabulous he is, stylistically and attitude-wise, and make as many Party Elk jokes as I could), i am glad they brought him back for this scene - not only that he gave Legolas a direction away from mooning over Tauriel, but that he got to help Tauriel accept what had happened (in his own blunt way). The way he watches her here, and looks at her, I feel like he’s really seeing her and accepting her as a person and not below him for the first time. I’m also headcanoning, since we know that Tauriel was orphaned and bonded with Legolas soon after (as her mentor - and honestly, I read their relationship as more of a broship/sibling situation), I feel like she was taken under the wing of his household - not because he approved, but because it was the Right Thing and probably looked good to his people, even if he couldn’t fully accept her due to her heritage. I also feel like the fact that she asks him to take the love away from her, since it hurts so much, also points to a more parental role than he would admit. If your heart was broken, who else would you ask to take those feelings from you - at that first heartbreak - than a parent?

But of course, he can’t - all he can do is finally admit, despite his earlier insistence otherwise, that her love for Kili IS real (I feel like he might have gone through something absolutely similar with his wife’s passing - finding her falling in battle, mourning over her body). And that smashes any hope she had that she could keep denying how she feels - it passes over her face, visibly and physically, that shock that he’s admitting it, then frustrated realization that if it’s real, she can’t deny her feelings anymore and can’t close her heart to it, and then just pure pain again as she realizes what she had and the full measure of what she’s lost.

And then she kisses him, as if she’s sealing that love and acceptance - the only time, super duper heart-stabbingly tragically, that she’ll ever get to you know, according to this version of the story.

I can only hope that afterward, Tauriel chose to honor herself and Kili’s memory by continuing to help the world at large, in her exile. And that she surprise and “oh shit”-ness of Thranduil’s expression upon realizing that an Elf could truly love a Dwarf means that he will be kinder to Legolas when he brings Gimli home.

Now, as far as the runestone goes, I initially wanted to believe that Tauriel would take it back after she gave it back to Kili in death, maybe to return it to his mother on a well-intentioned trip to meet her, to give them both closure. However, upon learning about what’s specifically written ON the stone, I have a different thought - Middle Earth News points out here that the runes on it translate to “Return to me.” Obviously, at its creation and initial giving, that was about Kili’s mother bidding her reckless son to come home safe. But when Kili gave the stone to Tauriel on the beach, he made it theirs as well. He bid Tauriel to return to him by giving it to her. And so now, in returning it to him upon his death, Tauriel bids Kili in turn to return to her, death be damned.

So while at first glance, that returning of the runestone may look like Tauriel denying her feelings again, its really a further, even more solid gesture of that acceptance. And honestly, to me, an expression of hope.

And I feel like hope is what really strikes me, about this ship. They have SO much potential, not only in how little we’ve been given of them in canon, but the potential they see in each other in those brief moments where they obviously imagine what their lives could be like, if they could be. One of my favorite shows says, early in its story, “Believing in even the possibility of a happy ending is a powerful thing.” And that is exactly what I see in them, and why they strike me as so wonderful. They are hope, and the belief in love despite all odds against them, despite all the darkness around them.

And no matter how shakily that might appear to be set up, that is gorgeous, at its heart and root.

And if you got this far in all my scattered ramblings, thank you!

(The art above is my own, btw. For more of my own star-crossed inter-fantasy-racial height-difference queer fae, click here 💕 )

~~~

Patreon ~ Etsy ~ Ko-fi

#kiliel #meta #hobbit headcanons #the hobbit #romance #fanart #fanart friday #fangirling #lotr #lotr fanart #legolas x gimli #legoli #kili #tauriel #tauriel x kili

[sunrayyellowhalo]

writing tag game

Thank you for tagging me pooh! @bangtanlalaland 🥰🥰🥰

what is your ideal setting for focusing on your writing?

Ideally, I would love to be in a quiet place like a self imposed nook that I’ve carved out in a library or outside peacefully among nature. Truthfully, I do a lot of writing in my room (which for the most part is quiet lol) Cozy blankets, macrame decoration behind me on my wall complete with flowers, candle lit and lo-fi playing on the computer most times hehe. I live with a relative and our rooms are RIGHT next to each other. SOOO.... I normally do my writing at night when they are sleep and I can just chill, vibe and let the creative juices flow <3 

what is your favorite genre to write?

I am a history buff and a total romantic SO I typically combine historical eras with romance alllmost always? Yeah it’s kinda my thing lol. I’m trying to get more into writing more in the modern era but hey what can I say? I’m an old soul. I like ‘old’ stuff lol. I have always written interracial fiction (brothas do NOT come for me I love y’all too. Don’t start that. LOL) I’ve taken to writing mainly AMBW or Asian Men and Black Women fics because not only am I attracted to Asian men but as a teenager, I did NOT see many fics that I could relate to...involving guys I was attracted to. It was rare then and it’s still in the minority now tbh. So, my motto was if it’s not there then I have to create it. And I did. 

  I’m also um...very sensual so 9/10 my stories will have love scenes in them. lol. 🙈💯 It’s taken a long time for me to transition from a smut writer (listen... ya girl used to be W-I-L-D. I used to write NASSSSSSTTTTYYYYYYYYY SH*T. 🙈 cause I’m a lowkey freak like that-I meannn um...🙈🙈🙈) to a writer of what I call erotic art? Though do NOT get me wrong... some of y’all smut writers GOT THAT TALENT OMG. Y’all be writing SO FREAKING WELL I FORGET IT’S SMUT LOL. *looks at @bangtanlalaland

 I haven’t written smut in so long I forgot what it reads like lol. But I been kinda getting into BTS smuts? Like with Namjoon primarily 🙈. I LIKE ACTUAL STORYLINES OKAY. STORYLINES WITH THE SMUT THANK YOU. (AND FLUFF TOO).

do you prefer to write on paper or digitally?

I mostly write digitally but when I do not have access to my computer, I write on paper. Sometimes, I prefer to write on paper more but 9/10 it’s on my computer. My computer has become my new notebook. I take it EVERYWHERE. 

it’s the middle of the night and you suddenly wake up with an idea. what do you do?

I IMMEDIATELY write the idea down. I’m a very VISUAL person so I have to SEE the characters’ faces first. I try to find who in real life match with how they look in my head. Depending on how inspired and solid the idea is... I might come up with teasers, a self made trailer, self made book cover and even a moodboard. But yeah first, WRITE IT DOWN BEFORE YOU LOSE IT. 

who is your favorite person to write about?

Mmmm.....to be honest I don’t have a specific person I like writing about. All of my characters are original characters, they are not based off of celebrities. 

do you like making your own characters, or do you usually write about real people?

The question above kinda answers this one hehe.  All of my characters are original. Completely made up in my head. 

have you ever written a book, or a story with more than 15 chapters (100k words)?

YES. YES I HAVE. I’ve written it and PUBLISHED IT Y’ALL! It’s called Accordance. I’ma be a shameless plug and put the link here! GO COP IT Y’ALL! OH AND WHILE Y’ALL AT IT CHECK OUT MY TRAILERS I MADE ON MY YOUTUBE. YA SIS WORKS HARD LOL. 

how often do you get ideas?

Mmm depends on when the creative bug hit me. Since the beginning of this year though, A MILLION LOL. This year been off the charts. I’ve never felt this creative in a LONG WHILE. I LOVE IT. 

do you ever get an idea that you really like but just can’t seem to finish?

Of course!!! Whenever I am close to finishing a work, the writer’s block hits me H-A-R-D. It sucks so much booty man. I be like BRUHHHHHHH. Sometimes, I try to push through and finish and others, I just let myself rest and wait until I am up to 100% to write again. 

what is your least favorite plot?

Hm. I don’t... really have any I think? I’m pretty much down to read whatever I suppose. I just don’t like stories where there is no character development, focusing only/strictly on sex and ones that are extremely fast paced with no appropriate spacing in between. Make it make sense y’all. Thanks. hehe 

THANK YOU AGAIN LOVELY FOR THE TAG! AS Y’ALL WILL LEARN ABOUT ME IF YOU DON’T ALREADY KNOW... I WRITE DISSERTATIONS LOL. Hm....I don’t really have many mutuals that I know of that write?? Not that I think can of! If y’all do, send me a comment and I tag you hehe! Muahz. 😘

#about me #sunrayyellowhalo #writers on tumblr #black writers #female writers #black female writers #ambw

[saikagerights]

A New Possession- Entry #4

Good evening Saiino nation!

I have the 4th entry right here, which is a lead up to The Last Movie. Although Sai is in a decent amount of content in the novels that came out in the blank period, Sai's overall contribution in The Last was basically grunt work.

HOWEVER

There is one line that he says that is very telling about his character at the time and what I would be considered a turning point in his character.

So here we go!

(Also shoutout to my boyfriend for pointing out a line in the original draft that needed work and ended up turning into what I consider to be the best part of this entry)

Also on AO3

December 5th

I find it very difficult to talk to Naruto nowadays.

We interact fine enough during missions. But since my operative work with Kakashi began, even that has diminished. My work is primarily investigative, something Naruto has never been skilled with. 

My failure to reach him is not due to my new position. It is actually due to the flock of girls that constantly surround him. Every attempt I’ve made to speak to him during my days in the village have resulted in him being stolen away once more by them. 

Their behavior is akin to a pack of predatory animals, stalking their prey before striking him right when most vulnerable. This would normally be considered a good thing for young kunoichi, but this is more petulant than praise-worthy. I’ve read that this is common for females, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen something like this. Naruto has, and I know this because he once explained that during their childhood, Sasuke had attracted a group of girls that all vied for his affection. He also insisted despite Sakura's denial that she was one of his most avid “fans” alongside Ino. 

I guess this is as good a time as any to properly describe Naruto.

Naruto can best be described as an idiot, but in a good way. He judges people for their character, rather than the preconceived notions of others. You could always be sure that if Naruto respects you, he will fight to the ends of the Earth for you. This is why I view Naruto as my closest friend and ally. He was the person who opened my eyes towards rediscovering bonds after my brother’s death, making a life beyond my life’s mission truly attainable. Although I’m still not entirely sure how I really feel about Sasuke-kun, I’m truly glad that Naruto was able to get through to him and raise him from his pit of selfishness that was disguised as righteousness. 

Although our bond began with distrust and indifference, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

I’m not too sure how to feel about it. I don’t think I’m angry. I’ve experienced anger plenty of times before. In fact, anger is my most familiar emotion. Anger at Sauske-kun for the way he treated Naruto and Sakura. Anger at those wicked Akatsuki for manipulating the reanimated corpse of my brother.

Anger at myself for not being able to understand anything...

I guess mild irritation would best describe my current predicament. Am I jealous? Jealous of Naurto for being popular with people of the opposite sex? Although books say that men enjoy this kind of thing, I don’t think I would enjoy being swarmed with people of either sex if I’m honest. Or maybe I’m interpreting this information wrong. Am I instead envious of these young girls taking my time away from someone I consider important to me? Maybe it’s because Naruto's newfound fame is built purely on his actions rather than his own person, who has dealt with more struggle than any outsider could ever understand. 

I think I might be feeling a little too much over this right now, as in these encounters I’ve never heard Naruto boast, complain, or even compare them to Sasuke’s former entourage. I’m not completely sure if he is being courteous or just plain clueless.

I will admit that there are times in which the strong emotions overtake me leave me overwhelmed and unable to feel at all. In times like these I feel the need to disconnect and be comforted by the isolation that I’m so accustomed to.

I can tell I’m making progress in my goal, but sometimes it’s just too much to handle.  ________________________________________________________________

This chapter I will admit was kind of difficult to write if I'm honest. This is because it had something that I felt needed to be resolved in the entry after it, which ended up being nearly the same amount of words as the first entry. But I'm glad I wrote it because we are closing in on the turning point I mentioned. I'm also posting these on the same day just because of how short the next entry is.

So until we meet again,

-Saikage

#Sai Journal #saiino #sai yamanaka #si fanfic

[kae-karo]

hi! me again! i understand that bi/pan people with a preference would never be considered lesbians but i had it presented to me as being like bisexual homoromantic which would be as valid as being ace and homoromantic right? and i don't understand how A's id could affect or imply anything about B's id? like the acknowledgment of demigirls doesn't affects girls being fully girls? as far as pronouns isn't the whole point that they ARE gendered, otherwise we would all just be they/them? (1/2)

non queer people very much understand pronouns to indicate gender. so why is language malleable when it comes to redefining gender and pronouns but not when it comes to using orientation labels differently? also i read that carrd and want to clarify i would never make the argument that trans people aren't "really" the gender they id as. also, i'm sorry for asking so much but i'm just trying to understand.

--

hi dear! for context (x) and please don’t apologize for asking questions! there are so many people who would rather shut down and not try to understand, i will always greatly appreciate people who are actively trying to learn

also sorry this got wAY too long lmao i have a lot of thoughts, apparently...

as for the way the term bi/pan lesbian was presented to you, that’s totally understandable! and again, per my lil caveat, the idea of expressing a difference in romantic and sexual attraction with a single term (like being bi/pansexual but lesbian in terms of romantic attraction) is totally chill but i think the part that starts to come into question is the large movement of people who were using bi/pan lesbian in the way i described in my other post (ie as a way to express that they are “lesbian but with some attraction to men, still”)

in terms of how person A identifies and how that affects person B, the point is less about an individual interaction - no, how a stranger chooses to identify themself does not directly affect my identity. to your notion of demigirls and the fact that they don’t negate the identity of women, that’s totally true! it’s not so much that a person’s identity negates another’s, more that the words a person uses to identify themself can affect others, because we tie certain terms with certain experiences. by a group of people commandeering terminology that already has an experience tied to it, the people who already use that terminology (because they have that experience) can start to feel as though their experience and identity are being called into question

okay, so if bi/pan lesbians become a standard terminology to describe ppl who would id as lesbians if not for some attraction to men, that could start to bring into question whether all or any lesbians could be attracted to men (as the person in the tweet mentioned). now (certain) men may start to believe that any person who ids as a lesbian might still be attracted to men, so these certain men may think that they have a chance with that lesbian even though the man ids as a man! this could lead to harassment, or the lesbian in question may already be prone to some internalized homophobia. now they’re starting to wonder if their attraction should include men because they id as a lesbian (and apparently, lesbian could include attraction to men), or if they’ve just been ‘confused’, as people may have told them before, and they start to doubt their own identity and whether ‘lesbian’ is the right reflection of their experiences (which it is, except that the term has been hijacked and presented as including experiences that actually belong in the bi/pan community)

and, once again, the way the terminology is structured (a ‘bi/pan lesbian’) seems to imply that the person in question doesn’t want to be attracted to men. if they did, why not use an umbrella term like bi or pan as their identity? the only distinguishing feature here is that one is inclusive while the other says ‘i’m attracted to women primarily and would like to identify as a lesbian, except for that pesky bit of me that’s attracted to men too...’ again, this is a harmful ideology to let grow, not only for those already identifying as bi/pan but for baby queers who may not fully understand their own identities yet! or for people outside the community who are trying to understand to the best of their abilities as allies!

to that end, it also propagates that harmful rhetoric of ‘oof, doesn’t it suck to be attracted to men lmao’ like MAN that’s really hurtful to guys??? and that rhetoric already exists. notions like this (where a wonderful umbrella term is turned into something that seeks to minimize attraction to men/male-aligned genders) can be so harmful not only to cis men and transmasc/trans men who are a part of the community but men outside the community as well

okay with regards to pronouns: i think this is where we start to get into the deconstruction of gender as a social construct. i feel like the most apt analogy here is the one i provided in the other post: names. names have, throughout history, been gendered (for the most part). sally was a girl, timmy was a boy. but we’ve started to deconstruct that as we’ve started to recognize that there are more than 2 genders (as a societal whole, i’m aware that this hasn’t been news in a while for people in the queer community). you have names like alex, sam, riley, names that you can’t look at and go ‘ah, they are [certain] gender!’ which is awesome for everyone! esp for people who are sensitive about their gender identity and for whom it is bothersome, upsetting, or even triggering to be misgendered!

pronouns are grammatically just a substitute for a noun, they take the place of the noun for the sake of ease of speech/writing. so the first question here is why, if we’ve extrapolated and separated the idea of someone’s name from their gender and acknowledged that the thing that we refer to them by is just...a noise they like, then why is it necessary for pronouns (another thing that is just a noise the person likes) to be inherently tied to a gender? a gender is a representation of an experience, but people who use the same pronouns may have nothing in common in terms of their gender experience!

now, you could argue that people who use they/them pronouns may be able to rally around a shared experience/frustration with getting others to use and accept those pronouns, but they likely aren’t all going to share a gender - maybe some are fem-aligned, or masc-aligned, or genderfluid or agender or any other gender on the massive spectrum of possible gender identities. but the way that they ask others to refer to themselves purely as an individual does not help give any insight into their experiences or community! 

you stated that ‘as far as pronouns isn't the whole point that they ARE gendered?’, so my question here is what purpose do pronouns actually serve? they allow you to refer to a person without using their name, right? so if we’re talking outside the world of grammar, i would argue that a person’s pronouns are an extension of their name: the purpose of a name and/or pronouns is to ensure that they make the user of said name/pronouns comfortable in their identity when being referred to. they are whatever gender they are (if any at all) - they may choose a name and pronouns to help them feel more comfortable in who they are. in fact, they may choose a name and pronouns that they didn’t use from birth simply because they do not feel comfortable with them for non-gender-related reasons, too!

and i can hear you thinking ‘okay, so why can’t we do that with labels like sexuality and just let people use whatever feels okay?’ and this is sort of the way i think about it: there are certain words we have defined with clarity in order to help us as a community understand ourselves and each other. we all agree that cis = you are the gender you were assigned at birth, trans = you are not the gender you were assigned at birth. lesbian means attraction to women/fem-aligned genders, ace means feeling no sexual attraction, bi and pan are siblings of each other that define attraction to all genders (which may or may not include preferences). male and female as genders have clear enough meanings that we use them in our other definitions, and nonbinary is a lovely catch-all umbrella that can encompass anything outside ‘male’ and ‘female’, even though there are also more specific identities that fall under that umbrella

(quick aside - fwiw i don’t think gender definitions are necessarily malleable in the same way pronoun ‘definitions’ are, i think there are gender experiences that we have not yet given formal terms to and that people may switch around between existing gender identifying terms as they look for ones that get close to their own and i think there’s still a question of what it even means to be a certain gender without reference to other genders, but as it stands, people who identify with certain gender terms do so because of a set of shared experiences that fall underneath that gender term)

what we have not done is defined an individual’s right to their experiences. if someone feels attraction to all genders with a preference for men, there’s a word to express that! if a person feels like they might shift between a variety of genders on a regular basis, there’s a word for that! if a person does not feel romantic attraction, there’s a word for that! and the reason we use these words with pre-defined definitions is so that we can identify people who share our experiences - if someone identifies as a lesbian, they can seek out other lesbians and know that they are among a group that understands what they have been through or are going through. if someone experiences attraction to all genders with a female/fem-aligned preference, they are likely not going to find a community that understands their experiences if they look for people who identify as lesbian

but if a person decides that hey, i feel most myself when people call me ‘emma’ even though that wasn’t my assigned birth name, that is when we step back and say ‘yes, that’s awesome! you do you!’ because there is no pre-defined definition of that name - yes, there’s a societal gender often associated with it, but it doesn’t provide anyone any benefit to assign a definition of an experience to that name. nobody is out there going ‘where are all the ‘emmas’, the ‘emmas’ understand my experience and i want to find them so that i can feel as though i’m part of the ‘emma’ community’

now, idk about you, but if i hear that someone uses she/her pronouns, that means....almost nothing to me, except that i know that they prefer those pronouns! in the same way that someone saying ‘oh, my name is emma’ means nothing to me except that their name is emma! whereas if someone says to me, ‘i’m asexual’, i know from their choice of identifier that they fall under the ace umbrella and awesome, this person might understand how i feel about certain subjects! (obviously ace is a huge spectrum in itself, but you get the idea)

in summary:

an orientation or a gender relates to an individual’s experiences, and the general definitions we have assigned to certain orientations and genders should remain somewhat clearly-defined in order to provide a sense of community for those that fall under the orientation/gender in question. that is not to say that new orientations/gender terms can’t arise to describe new experiences that do not already have a definition. the irritation with the ‘bi/pan lesbian’ discourse is that the experience described (attraction to all genders with fem-aligned preference) already has a defined term (bi or pan) that is contradictory to the term ‘lesbian’

the reason pronouns don’t need to fall under a clear definition is that they are not a signal to indicate a uniting experience - their purpose and function is equivalent to that of a name: it’s a way to refer to a person that makes that person feel comfortable, and it’s perfectly fine not to have a rigid definition for pronouns in the same way that you wouldn’t assign a name to have a rigid experience or definition associated with it

i know it’s a long read, but i hope that helps clarify my thoughts on the matter!

#anon #ask

[intothestarkerverse]

hi, so I would like to request a starker prompt where its about the mummy au! where peter is eve, tony is rick, scott is jonathan (why not) the mummy is thanos, anu-san-mun is death. I just love the mummy and the avengers.

Summary:  So I have chosen to go for the trifecta here!  What follows is a Mummy AU for my lovely Nonnie...a Non Powered AU for @starkerweek, and a Protective!Tony Bingo Square fill for @starkerbingo . 

Non Powered AU  - Starker Week (Day Two)

Protective!Tony - Starker Bingo

1.

The only downside to all of this was that he wasn’t going to get to see Howard’s face when he heard the news.

Well…actually, there were multiple downsides to this, like dying and the rat that was trying to chew through what remained of his shoe leather…but really, it was the whole Howard thing he was most concerned with at the moment.  He’d been livid when Tony turned his back on the family fortune and his bright future to join the French Foreign Legion.  Tony’d lied when he said he was out for adventure.  Oh no, primarily, he was out to piss off Howard and possibly stumble into enough treasure to be able to return home wealthier than his old man…because honestly, that would feel good.

Being hanged in an Egyptian prison wasn’t actually one of the ways he thought this was going to end, but in retrospect, he probably should have realized it was a distinct possibility given his life choices.

Tony rested his forehead on his knees and tried to ignore the sweltering heat, the bugs skittering over his hands on the ground, the loud arguments erupting around the prison beyond his cell door, all of them in loudly spoken Arabic that he could only barely comprehend.  His head was splitting.  It was a shame the prison guards weren’t more sympathetic to a man’s hangover.  He needed water.  Or better yet, a little hair of the dog.  The likelihood of him getting either one was…well, it was slim to say the least.

The sound of footsteps stopping at his cell door surprised him.  Was it time to die already?  He hadn’t even fully finished imagining Howard’s reaction to the news!  “Hey, boys, I guess it’s true what they say about time flying…”  His words were interrupted as he was forced to his feet and dragged out of his cell.  Not towards the gallows, though.  Towards the visiting cells? Who was visiting him?

God, had Howard found him?  Was he about to be rescued by his bastard of a father and taken home to New York, because if he was…he’d rather hang, to be frank.

He was cast without ceremony onto a patch of ground surrounded by iron bars.  Pulling himself up with a grimace, his gaze settled on two figures that did not appear to belong at an Egyptian prison.  Men.  English men if he could hazard a guess based on their wardrobe and the rather stuffy way in which they carried themselves.  English men always had posture like someone had rammed a rod up their ass.

Speaking of ramming something up someone’s ass…

The little one was pretty damn cute.  Soft chestnut curls just visible beneath his sun hat, tiny wire rimmed glasses perched on a pert little nose, plump pink lips that he kept wetting with the tip of his tongue as he stared, wide eyed at Tony through the bars.  He was pretty.  Prettier than the girls back home in New York.  Prettier even than the woman he’d taken to bed the night before…the one who had him facing his death in what was likely a very short time.  Hell, if he’d met this pretty little thing last night instead of the thieving piece of shit accompanying him, Tony would have probably given him the trinket and still be back at his room in the boarding house taking the boy apart instead of swinging from the end of a rope.  The boy seemed to shake himself out of his stupor and stepped forward with a nervous smile.  “Oh, hello, pardon me, I don’t mean to be rude.  You just…you are not what I was expecting at all.”

The little one had a soft tone and a proper English accent that made Tony want to live long enough to hear that gentile voice reduced to a rasping, cursing wail of pure desire…

“Is it true that you know the way to Hamunaptra?”

Wait.  What?  “Hamun…I should have known.” He was never lucky enough to have a piece of ass that fine thrown his way without some kind of caveat.  “Yeah, baby, I can take you to the City of the Dead.  But I might beat you there since I’m about to be hanged…you get me out of here, I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”

Hopefully down on him was going to be at least one stop before their final destination.

The boy looked alarmed, turning to cast a look at the man who had accompanied him, hopefully not a lover…though given the look of the guy, he’d be no competition for Tony anyway.  “Well, I…I don’t know.  That does seem to be quite a predicament…”

Tony laughed, “Yeah, you could say that. But I promise you’ll like me better alive than dead, sweetheart.”  Reaching through the bars he grabbed a handful of that starched white shirt and tugged the boy closer until he could just reach his lips through the bars.  He was a little up tight, but he was English.  Tony had been anticipating that.  He tasted like honey and lemon and after a moment’s hesitation seemed to relax into the kiss, letting Tony tease his lips apart with his tongue and delve deep into the moist recesses before he pulled away with a growl.  

Flushed pink, lips swollen, the boy straightened his cravat and cleared his throat.  “I…um…I’ll see what I can do, shall I?”

2.

“Ugh, to think I ever found that scoundrel attractive!”  Peter grimaced at his own reflection, dropping the fingers he’d had pressed to  his lips.  He really had been stupid to think that the kiss meant anything to the American.  Tony was a dying man desperate to live and he had done anything necessary to prolong his miserable life.

Like a fool, Peter had fallen right into his trap.

“You are far too intelligent for this, Peter.  Chin up, old chap.  You can ignore that American pig long enough to find the Book of Amun-Ra and then you never have to see him again.”

So what if he was rakishly good looking?  Peter hadn’t thought so in prison, but Tony’s hair had been long and his beard had been unkempt and he’d smelled of wet camel and alcohol.  When they had met at the docks later and Tony had presented himself with cleaned and trimmed hair and a goatee so masterfully groomed that Peter was half tempted to ask if he’d found a barber to have it professionally done, Peter had to admit that the man was perhaps the most handsome one he had ever set eyes on.  The kiss…the kiss had been positively sinful, but apparently that devil hadn’t felt the same way.

Well.  Peter didn’t need him anyway.  He was an academic!  He had books and brains and that ruffian was probably going to wind up swinging from another rope the moment they parted company.  Best not to lose sleep over him.

One moment Peter was dressing for bed and the next he was facing the end of a pistol in the hand of a strange man in desert garb with facial tattoos that Peter could almost just begin to decipher.  “Oh dear!  Can I help you? I think you have the wrong room…”

“Where is the map?”

Peter grimaced as the barrel of the gun was pushed into his chest.  “Over on the desk.”

“And the key?”

“Key?  I don’t have a key…”  Peter’s confusion was interrupted by the sound of his door splintering.  There, standing in the rubble of the ruined entry was the very scoundrel he had been disavowing only a moment prior.  He looked resplendent with a gun in either hand, a look of determination on the chiseled features of his too handsome face and his once carefully coiffed dark hair falling in haphazard strands across his forehead.  

“Let the kid go.”

Peter’s gaze was ripped from his rescuer only long enough to glimpse the second attacker attempting to enter through the porthole.  Apparently, Tony too saw that figure and released a volley of bullets.  Really, Peter had never seen anything quite as inherently masculine and impressive as Tony Stark facing off against his attackers.  Never mind that now the boat was on fire and there seemed to be a great many more of the men in black than just the two that had been attempting to infiltrate his cabin.   He didn’t even have a thought to spare for his brother, to wonder where on earth Scott was and if he had gotten free of the ship.

At least, not until they had dragged themselves up onto the shore of the Nile and Peter was watching everything on the ship burn.  He shivered in the night air and bemoaned the loss of his clothes, his books, his tools…although, he didn’t mind the look that Tony was giving him as the American’s dark eyes raked over the thin, wet night clothes that clung to his skin…

3.

“What was that about nothing bad ever coming from reading a book?”

Peter cast the man a weary look.  “Well, there’s a first time for everything, isn’t there?”

Tony just snorted and grabbed Peter’s arm, jerking him sideways down an alley and a steep but short descent of stairs.  “Okay, so he’s whole and he’s got the book and we’re basically screwed.  We gotta keep you away from him.”

“That is a plan I do rather like, I have to admit.”  Peter let a little whoosh of breath as he was knocked backward into a wall and pressed firmly there by Tony’s rock solid form.  Eyebrows raised, he opened his mouth to question the move, but a hand was pressed against his lips and Peter followed Tony’s gaze to the mouth of the alley where a mass of entranced slaves were beginning to trickle by.  Peter’s eyes widened, but he didn’t make a sound.

As the final stragglers in the crowd edged by, Peter and Tony left the safety of the alley and attempted to race across the square to the next thoroughfare on their way out of the city.  They were stopped by the undulating mass of insects that descended from the sky and formed a living, writhing curtain in front of them.

Peter gulped audibly, following the voice to face the now regenerated and empowered Thanos.  He was large and frightening and ugly.  The boy could not help but grimace, hands trembling slightly at his side.

“Leave the kid alone.”  Tony stepped in front of him.  Dear, sweet, brave Tony.  He had underestimated the American.  He wasn’t a scoundrel.  He was a hero.  A true hero like one from novels and fairy stories.  Peter had no doubt that he would die to protect him from Thanos if that was what it took, but he really didn’t want to see that exquisite example of the human condition die because of him.  It seemed such a waste.  He was, after all, just a librarian and it did not seem that his feelings for the man were at all reciprocated.

Breaking away, Peter moved to join Thanos, his gaze meeting Tony’s for a moment as he passed him.  They were outnumbered.  Thanos had the upper hand.  They couldn’t fight him and succeed.  Not here.  They needed the book of Amun-Ra and one of them had to be alive and free in order to fetch it.  “I have to do this…but…I’m not saying you can’t rescue me if you’d like.  In fact I’d much prefer that actually…if you feel up to it, that is.”

The last thing Peter saw as he was spirited away by the resurrected Thanos was the look of sheer determination on Tony’s face.

Maybe he did have feelings for Peter after all…

4.

It took extreme physical effort on Tony’s part to hold himself back, to formulate some kind of a plan…even a half-assed one, as he took in the sight of Peter chained to a platform alongside a female mummy that had to be the ugly guy’s girlfriend.  Great.  Just great.

Scott had the book.  Scott had been behind him a moment ago but had either been detained or was too cowardly to enter the antechamber with Thanos and the brunt of his legion.

Well, Scott might be a coward, but there was no way in hell that Tony was going to let Thanos sacrifice Peter to bring his girlfriend the rest of the way back from the dead. So, he didn’t have guns.  He’d ran out of ammunition and lost the pistols themselves several mummy hordes ago.  All he had, in fact, was a sword he’d taken from a statue and his own stubborn will to reclaim the boy whose body he hadn’t even gotten to taste yet.

The kid could not die a virgin.  He was way too pretty to die a virgin, and he had to be a virgin.  Stuffy British boy like that…his kiss at the jail had probably been his first one.

Okay, enough planning.  Sometimes, you just had to wing it.

With a yell, he raced from the shadows with the sword held high, swinging wildly at the undead who swarmed towards him, breaking through enough to snap the chain on one of Peter’s wrists before he was pulled back into battle once more.  He wished his movements were a little more refined.  Maybe if he’d taken fencing like his father had wanted.  As it was, he was chopping at the dessicated figures sloppily, watching as pieces of mummy rained down around them and tried to rejoin the fray with whatever means they possessed.  A few disembodied feet were wiggling in the sand, hands crawling like spiders in search of something useful, heads chomping at the empty air.

A scream tore Tony’s attention away from his foes to the dais and the still semi-restrained figure of Peter.  The boy was desperately trying to pull his free arm loose of the chains while the female mummy crawled up his body with a dagger in her hand.

“Leave.  My.  Boy.  Alone.”  Tony broke away from the pack, racing the distance between himself and the Englishman who had stolen his heart.  He dived for the mummy, his head connecting with her chest and throwing them both over the side into the sand as he swung the sword against that last bit of chain to free Peter’s other hand.

“So I’m your boy, now, am I?  I don’t recall having agreed to that…”

“Are we really going to argue semantics now, baby?”  Tony dodged a strike from the mummy and her blade.  “Get that golden book of yours from your cowardly brother in the other room and let’s end this before they end us, hm?  Then I can show you why you really do want to be my boy, Peter.  By the time I’m done, you’ll be begging me…”

“I.  Do.  Not.  Beg.”

“We’ll see.”

“Hmph, we do have to survive this first, you know.”

“Right, so go get the book already!”

“So bossy,”  Peter turned up his nose at the man but still raced back towards the entrance, dodging the writhing parts of fallen mummies as he went.

Tony was just reaching the end of his rope.  There were far too many of these dried out defenders of Thanos and it didn’t help that even when he thought he’d killed them…some part of them came back with a vengeance.  The girl was another problem all together.  If he looked away from her for even a moment, she tried to follow after Peter and he had to charge after her.  “How many times I gotta tell you, lady, the boy is mine?”

He was losing steam.  He didn’t know how long he was going to be able to keep this up.  Truthfully, he might have given up a couple dozen foes ago were it not for the the stodgy little English rose he was trying so desperately to save.

“I’ve got it!  I’ve got it!”  Peter’s voice shouted from the entry and Tony cursed as he dived for the girl again, grabbing her heal and jerking her off of her feet before she could race at Peter and bury the dagger in his chest.  Tony hit the ground hard, breath knocked out of him and suddenly surrounded by a swarm of the disembodied parts of the mummies he had slain.

“Read it, Peter, for God’s sake, read it!”

“Oh, right, yes…”  He slammed the book against the wall, hefting it’s heavy cover open and began searching the golden pages for the proper inscription.

Thanos waved the mummy parts away from Tony with a motion of his hand.  He’d found another one of those daggers like his girlfriend.  He was holding it tightly in his fist and looking at Tony in a way that reminded him way too much of Howard.  Disapproval and disappointment.  His two best friends.  Tony’s fingers closed around the hilt of his sword on the sand, determined to go out fighting for Peter if not for himself.

Peter’s voice rang out loud and clear through the chamber.  Thanos seemed to pause, real fear in his eyes as a  phantasm of ghostly light passed over the room.  But when it was gone, Thanos was still there and he still looked prepared to kill Tony.

“Peter…that didn’t work.”

“It should have worked!”

“It didn’t work.”  Tony grimaced at the figure as he bent over him, dagger poised to strike.  

“Tony?  Tony…no…”

Peter’s strangled cry of alarm was enough to snap Tony’s focus back into place.  He lashed out, kicking the figure with both legs and attacking with his sword.  It was only when the blade had buried itself in the other man’s gut and Tony was covered in blood and thicker, more nauseating things, that he called out a choked.  “Yeah, no, I was wrong.  It totally worked…”

5.

How many people got to lose their virginity in the Egyptian city of the dead to a man who had nearly died to save him?  Not many, Peter would wager.

“Does this I mean I get to keep you…or am I just one in a long line of conquests?”

Tony propped himself up on an arm to regard the boy with a playful smirk.  “You really think I’d go to this much trouble for a conquest?  You’re real pretty, Peter Parker, and the sounds you make when I fuck you are a thing of beauty…but I’d have never gone this far to save someone unless I intended to ‘keep them’.”

“Oh, well that really is too bad, Tony, because as I recall…if anyone is to be property and possessor in this relationship, I do believe that I am to be the one keeping you.”

Tony rolled his eyes but leaned down to peck Peter’s lips once, twice, three times.  “You know what, Kid, that’s just fine by me.”

“Splendid!  Have you ever been to South America, Tony?  I have heard from other scholars that they have mummies there too…”

Tony covered Peter’s mouth with a hand and propped himself up again.  “Scott!  Scott!  I know you’re somewhere around here. Scott, come take your brother back.  I’ve changed my mind.  I want to give him back…”

Squirming free of Tony’s hold, Peter let out an exasperated sigh.  “Oh you!”

#starker #starker week 2019 #starker bingo

[schraubd]

Jewish Representation on Television: A Random Review

I've been thinking about Jewish representation on television series over the past few days. The trigger was actually an antisemite who was complaining that there are too many Jewish characters on television -- we apparently have taken over his TV. That struck me, because my naive view was that Jewishness actually doesn't get a lot of attention on TV series (even Seinfeld, if I recall correctly, rather famously did not actually say its characters were Jewish). But I decided to actually think about it more, and look into how Jews are portrayed on the shows I watch. This is therefore not remotely scientific -- though I do watch a fair bit of TV -- and some obvious choices (Broad City!) thus aren't included. I'm most interested in shows that are not primarily about Jews, but nonetheless have Jewish characters whose Jewishness is fleshed out in a substantive way. I include shows that have no Jewish characters. This is not necessarily a critique -- not every show has to include Jews -- but it is worth including to get a sense if there is any pattern to what sorts of shows have Jews and what don't. That said, I'm not necessarily a superfan of all these shows, so it's possible that I could miss something (though it hardly counts if deep in Season 6 a show briefly mentions so-and-so is Jewish, only to never bring it up again before or since). * * * 30 Rock: On a show about New York City comedy writers, only Josh -- Josh! -- might be Jewish. This entire show is a case of "just say Jewish, this is taking forever!" C- Big Bang Theory: Of the major characters, only Howard (and his mother) are Jewish. Neither are exactly positive representations -- Howard, in particular, manages to be the most perverted, awkward and creepy of a cadre of young male scientists whose whole shtick is that they're kind of perverted, awkward, and creepy around women. Interestingly, Bernadette is portrayed as super-goyish even though Melissa Rauch is actually Jewish (Mayim Bialik is more famously Jewish, but to my knowledge Amy Farrah-Fowler is not depicted as a tribe member). D- Billions: At first I thought this show had no Jewish characters, a decision I chalked up to maybe wanting to step lightly around the whole "ruthless billionaires manipulating the financial system" thing. But then I remembered: Spyros is Jewish! Spyros! By far the worst character on the show along pretty much any metric you might consider, including that he's portrayed as a serial sexual predator. Literally every character is at least written in shades of grey, and we get Spyros. Ugh. D Brooklyn Nine-Nine: Jake Peralta is Jewish. It pretty much only comes up when he has flashbacks to his Bar Mitzvah (curse you Jenny Gildenhorn!), but at least it is acknowledged as a part of his character with substance. That said, it almost never is visible in his adult life -- most strikingly, there's no portrayal of it being discussed with Amy in terms of how their family will or won't be Jewish. B- Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and Angel): Willow is Jewish, but it gets almost no attention -- I think by the end of the series she's outright celebrating Christmas. C The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina: No Jewish characters. Community: Annie is Jewish, but it is almost entirely downplayed. Indeed, it basically never comes up outside the first season. Missed opportunity. C+ Crashing: This is a tough one to judge, since so many of the characters are playing themselves. I know Sarah Silverman is Jewish. I think Artie Lange is? I don't know if Ali Reissen is supposed to be Jewish, but the actress who plays her definitely is. I do know Pete Holmes is not Jewish. I can't give a rating here. Dollhouse: No Jewish characters. Elementary: No Jewish characters. Firefly: No real Jewish characters, though they do briefly show a postmaster wearing a yarmulke. It's actually a really neat moment of casual Jewish inclusion that I really appreciate. Fresh off the Boat: I don't think any of the regulars (including Eddie's friends) are Jewish, but Evan's arch-rival Phillip Goldstein is definitely Jewish -- and definitely portrayed as a massive asshole. C Game of Thrones: No Jewish characters (outrageous!). The Good Place: No Jewish characters (actual sad face here -- though I can see how incorporating actual religious faith into this show might be hard). I Feel Bad: Probably not worth including -- it was canceled after one season, and I'm not sure it even fully aired the one -- except to give one last plug to my headcanon where it is Sarayu Blue's side of the family that is Jewish. Brian George -- who plays her father -- is Jewish! He should get to play a Jewish character some time. Alas, the show goes down the more predictable route of making Paul Adelstein's side of the family the Jewish one. It does a good job with that. I guess. Still salty. B Insecure: I don't think any characters are Jewish. Frieda might be Jewish, which would be okay. Joanne also might be Jewish, which would be a less attractive proposition. iZombie: No Jewish characters. Mad Men: Rachel Mencken is great. She also stands pretty much alone. B+ Marvelous Mrs. Maisel: This is the only show that is explicitly Jewish in focus, and as I said that's not my main concern here. In any event, not everyone likes the portrayal of Jewishness, but I actually find it quite warm on the whole. A. Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: No Jewish characters. Mozart in the Jungle: No Jewish characters (really?). New Girl: Full disclosure: I did not watch this show all the way to the end. Anyway, Schmidt is one of the more famous Jewish portrayals of contemporary television. I'm not his greatest fan -- in particularly, that he's a proud Republican is, shall we say, statistically anomalous -- but once I started comparing him to the competition above he turns out pretty decent. Still, he, too -- especially in the early seasons -- doesn't exactly stand out on the "treats women with respect" metric. B Parks and Rec: The main Jewish characters are the Saperstein twins -- John-Ralphio and Mona Lisa. They are each, in their own way, "the worst person in the world." And with John-Ralphio, we get yet another creepy Jewish harasser. D The Orville: There are no Jews in space. The West Wing: This show actually comes out great. Toby and Josh are Jewish, visibly so, yet in very distinctive ways. It comes up, though it isn't obsessed over, in ways that feel authentic to their character. And the pilot includes one of my favorite "Jewish" scenes in all of television. A+ * * * In sum, I'd say that -- outside of shows where Judaism is a central focus (Marvelous Mrs. Maisel), there are a dearth of characters whose Jewishness is portrayed (a) positively and (b) as a substantive (not all-encompassing) presence in their lives. It seems that sci-fi and fantasy shows are the least likely to have Jewish characters, which is understandably, though it includes series set on Earth or otherwise "near-real world" conditions. This might reflect anxiety around how to portray Jews in juxtaposition with the occult and/or dystopian authoritarianism without reenacting antisemitic tropes. On the positive side, The West Wing, in my view, stands head-and-shoulders above the crowd; other solid performers include Brooklyn Nine Nine, New Girl, and (for what it's worth) I Feel Bad. But these are exceptional, for the most part, the Jewishness of characters either isn't established much beyond its mere mention. And the main exception is when Jewish male characters are portrayed as perverts, creeps, or sexual harassers -- indeed, this might be the most common way of "marking" a character as Jewish, which is worrisome. via The Debate Link http://bit.ly/2YP4sVe

#Jews #television

[rockandrollstorytime]

Rock and Roll Storytime #6: The Rolling Stones Against the Establishment (Or: The time 3/5 of them went on trial for drug posession)

Let’s face it, I think every now and again, we all have those moments where we’re glad that we live in the time and place we do at this very moment. This particularly goes out to the musicians, who seem to get in trouble for drugs less frequently nowadays, in favor of worse charges... 

But that wasn’t always so. 

Once upon a time, the threat of rock stars getting long prison sentences for first time offences was very omnipresent, and this story is about that bygone era. A time and a place where even a hint of subversive behavior meant that adults lost their shit and went on literal moral crusades. 

Enter Sgt. Norman Pilcher, or, as John Lennon called him in “I Am the Walrus”, Semolina Pilchard. He was a detective in his 30′s and was dead-set on getting drugs off the streets, which meant that, invariably, he primarily set his sights on rock stars. His list of arrests includes Donovan, John Lennon, George Harrison, Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, and Brian Jones. He would’ve nabbed Eric Clapton, but Eric bolted out the back door as soon as he heard there was someone at his doorstep with a “special delivery.”

For now though, we’re just going to focus on the Stones, and how this whole drug trial business may have accelerated the decline of one of its members. 

Given how trying to get rock stars busted for drugs was practically a sport in 1967, the now-defunct tabloid News of the World decided to capitalize on this by publishing a three-part “story” entitled, “Pop Stars and Drugs: Facts That Will Shock You.” In it, the tabloid alleged that many popular musicians of the time were not only doing drugs, but also holding drug parties at their homes, including Donovan, Pete Townshend, and Ginger Baker (R.I.P). Part Two seems to have primarily targeted the Rolling Stones, and it was alleged that Mick Jagger had taken several Benzedrine tablets, displayed a bit of hashish, and invited his companions back to his flat for a smoke, one of whom just so happened to be an undercover reporter. As it turns out, the person in question was actually little Brian Jones, who was being way too casual with his drug use. Mick tried to sue the paper over that one. 

I just want to ask, how the hell did they mix up Mick and Brian? One’s blond and has a cherubic face, and the other’s brunette and has massive lips!

In either case, like with how Donovan was arrested and charged after the first issue came out, the article attracted the attentions of authorities, and in particular, one Semolina Pilchard. News of the World was also more than a little interested in avoiding a major lawsuit, even to the point of allegedly wiretapping and paying off informants (it’s shit like that which is the reason why they ultimately became defunct in 2011, after a phone hacking scandal). Ultimately, on February 12, 1967, eighteen police officers raided Keith Richards’ home, Redlands. Mick, Keith, and an art dealer friend, Robert Fraser were arrested and charged with amphetamine possession, allowing his home to be used for the smoking of cannabis, and heroin possession respectively. 

In addition, salacious rumors started to swirl around that Mick was found eating a Mars Bar out of Marianne Faithfull’s... nether regions. Truth of the matter is, while Marianne was only wearing a fur rug, there weren’t any orgies taking place. She even wrote in her autobiography, “The Mars Bar is a very effective piece of demonizing. It was so overdone with such malicious twisting of the facts. Mick retrieving a Mars Bar from my vagina, indeed! It’s a dirty old man’s fantasy – some old fart who goes to a dominatrix every Thursday. A cop’s idea of what people do on acid.”

Their manager, Andrew Loog Oldham, was supposed to help these kids figure out what to do about the impending drug trials, but instead, he fled to America, leaving his role to Allen Klein (Andrew was fired in September). Lawyers told Mick, Keith, and Brian that, essentially, since they were the most visible of the Rolling Stones, to not talk to the press and even to temporarily leave the country. And so, Mick, Keith, and Brian (bringing along his girlfriend, Anita Pallenberg) set off for Morocco. This is something I’m going to have to go into more detail about another time, but suffice it to say, it ended with Anita leaving Brian for Keith and Brian being stranded in Morocco for about two days. 

On May 10, Mick, Keith, and Robert were marched into court where they were formally charged with the aforementioned charges. Mick and Keith decided to plead not guilty, Robert pled guilty, and all three elected to undergo trial by jury. That same day, twelve officers raided Brian’s home, and though he allegedly tried to clean up the place before the coppers arrived, they still managed to find a “purple Moroccan-style wallet” with cannabis in it. Needless to say, Brian and his friend, Prince Stanislaus “Stash” Klossowski were also arrested and charged with drug possession. On June 2, they were formally charged in court and elected to undergo trial by jury. However, Brian decided to plead guilty, a move that would come back to bite him in the ass later on. 

Starting with Mick, Robert, and Keith’s trial, the odds were against them from the very start. For one thing, the judge they were up against, Judge Leslie Allen Block, was notoriously unforgiving. Given that two of the people on trial were Rolling Stones, it quickly became apparent that the people running the show would very much be gunning for long jail sentences. It can also be argued that, since Pilcher knew what press would come if he made some high-profile celebrity arrests and didn’t arrest anyone with a status lower than Donovan, it could easily be argued that he was only making these arrests to gain some serious cred for his task-force. Going back to the original point though, at one point, as Mick’s trial was wrapping up, the judge even told the jury to dispel any notion of reasonable doubt. 

The last time I wrote this, that sounded seriously ethically dubious, even considering that the usual phrase here would be “innocent until proven guilty” (though it usually plays out the other way around, it seems). Well, I did eventually ask my mom about it (she’s a paralegal and she knows a thing or two about U.S.A. law), and she said that it would depend on the case and if the reasonable doubt presented was excluded by a previous court order. 

Granted, I know that’s dealing with U.S.A. law and that I can’t find anything saying that there was a court order barring reasonable doubt, but I guess that’ll have to do. 

In either case, on June 27, Mick was found guilty of illegally possessing Benzedrine (despite the fact that it was purchased legally in Italy), but because Keith’s trial hadn’t begun yet, Mick and Robert were sent to Lewes Prison overnight. 

Keith’s trial began in earnest the next day, and Keith really didn’t help his case when he said, “We are not old men. We are not worried about petty morals.” However, the trial remained unfinished at the end of the day, so Mick and Robert (who were being held in a cell under the courtroom) were escorted back to Lewes. 

The trial finally came to a close on June 29, and all three of the defendants were summarily sentenced. Mick was sentenced to three months for the aforementioned drug possession charges, Robert was sentenced to six months for heroin possession, and Keith was sentenced to twelve months for allowing cannabis to be smoked in his home. Additionally, all three were fined. Mick was sent to Brixton and Robert and Keith were sent to the notorious Wormwood Scrubs. 

By today’s standards, these would definitely be considered harsh sentences, and might not even happen the same way (I’ll save more of these details for the ending). Back then though, surprisingly, there was actually quite a bit of support for the Stones and not just from fans. Even newspapers that had once viciously mocked them, voiced their support. In fact, William Rees-Mogg, a well-known conservative, wrote an article for The Times called “Who Breaks a Butterfly Upon a Wheel” in which he criticized Mick Jagger’s sentence, essentially saying that the only reason he got three months was because of his being a Rolling Stone, and that had he not been, the consequences would have been much less severe, considering he was a first-time offender. The Who also voiced their support for the Stones, saying “The Who consider Mick Jagger and Keith Richards have been treated as scapegoats for the drug problem and as a protest against the grave sentences imposed on them at Chichester yesterday, The Who are issuing today the first of a series of Jagger-Richards songs to keep their work before the public until they are again free to record themselves.” The New Law Journal wrote, “The three-month prison sentence on Jagger for a first offence, and the introduction at this trial of evidence about a girl in a skin rug are two disturbing features of the case.” Some fans even protested outside News of the World’s headquarters, including Keith Moon’s girlfriend (later wife), Kim Kerrigan. 

However, there were still some sources who agreed with the judge’s decision. In particular, Charles Curran wrote for the Evening News: “I hold that people who break the law ought to be punished. The law that Jagger and Richards broke is not a trifle either. For it seeks to prevent people from using dangerous drugs for fun... Look at Jagger and Richards. Each of them is a millionaire at twenty-three. How does it come about that they are so rich? Their wealth flows from the fact that they are manufactured pieces of wish-fulfillment... Their lives tend to represent, in reality, what their admirers’ are in fantasy. So as long as the pop idol sticks to bawling and wailing- well, we can put up with that. But once he starts to add drugs to his drivel, society must take immediate note of it.”

The next day, Mick and Keith were released on appeal, and went to appeals court on July 31. Years later, Bill Wyman wrote, “The appeal was on five grounds: (1) That the evidence made a cornerstone of the case by the prosecution was wrongly admitted. The evidence of the girl, her dress or undress, was ‘wholly inadmissible’; (2) That if it was held to be admissible, the evidence should have been excluded by the discretion of the judge, because it was so prejudicial; (3) That the chairman misdirected the jury about what the prosecution had to prove as to the meaning of the word ‘permitting’; (4) That he failed to detail the lack of evidence regarding the knowledge of the cannabis drug; (5) That he failed to put fully the defence to the jury.” Keith’s sentence was completely overturned, while Mick was sentenced to a year’s probation, though he wound up spending another night in jail. 

Robert, who ended up serving his full sentence, apparently alleged that everything at Keith’s house that night had been his, and that he’d been taking heroin pills for an upset stomach (sort of like how Kurt Cobain claimed to be on heroin because of a stomach condition that may well have been psychosomatic). 

With Brian’s trial, it is important to note that, as I’ve said, he didn’t really take the affair as seriously as he could have, Also, there’s the fact that Allen Klein, in a misguided attempt at trying to protect Brian, told him to stay away from the other Stones as much as possible, which had the effect of isolating Brian from his band even further at a time where he needed them most. In fact, according to Stash (who was later acquitted), “Brian was not OK within a month of us getting busted. I was at Robert Fraser’s apartment when Brian came in, and, much to my horror, he proceeded to hit about twenty objects, banging into the walls and ricocheting across the room like a ping-pong ball. That was the terrible effect of those downers. He took them because he felt alienated, worried, and it was the only way he could isolate himself into some kind of security blanket. It was a one-way street. He had a disaster written in neon lights all over him and none of us could do anything about it.”

In fact, Brian was in such dire straits, he wound up being admitted to the Priory Clinic for psychiatric analysis on July 5, and was discharged as an out-patient on July 12. When his trial finally came around on October 30, he admitted in court to possessing cannabis without authority, but denied that he’d used cocaine or methedrine. His defense pleaded with the judge not to send him to jail, since he’d taken responsibility for the cannabis (the prosecution was more willing to accept that Brian might not have known about the stronger drugs) and that Brian had a nervous breakdown after the arrest and had suffered greatly. In fact, Detective-Sergeant David Patrick said that, while all drugs were serious, the amount of cannabis found was relatively small, and Brian’s psychiatrist said that his client should be hospitalized rather than imprisoned, and that Brian wouldn’t be able to handle prison. 

However, it all came to naught, as the judge, Reginald Seaton, sentenced Brian to three months in jail for cannabis possession, nine months for allowing his home to be used for smoking cannabis to be served concurrently, and a fine, stating, “I have given your case anxious and careful consideration. The offence of being the occupier of premises and allowing them to be used for the purpose of smoking cannabis resin is very serious indeed. This means that people can break the law in comparative privacy and so avoid detection for what is a growing canker in this country at the present moment. No blame attaches to you for the phial of cocaine, but there are people who come to this sort of party and that is how the rot starts, from cannabis to hard drugs. You occupy a position by which you have a large following of youth, and therefore, it behoves you to set an example... Although I am moved by everything I have heard, I would be failing my duty if I did not refer to the seriousness of the offences by passing sentence of imprisonment.” Brian ended up spending the night in Wormwood Scrubs, where, apparently, guards threatened to cut off the long, blonde hair he was so proud of. 

Looking at pictures of Brian right after his initial arrest and right after his sentencing, the toll that these proceedings took on his physical and mental health becomes quite clear. 

As with Mick and Keith’s sentences, Brian’s conviction caused an uproar. Eight people were arrested as a peaceful protest practically turned into a riot, including Mick’s brother, Chris. In addition, The Daily Sketch wrote, “...dishing out a nine-month sentence is as likely to turn a pop star into a martyr as to deter his fans. Besides, if the Appeal Court later reduces or quashes a harsh sentence, as happened in the case of Jagger, the authority of the law is lessened.” Similarly, The Sun (yes, the same guys who botched their coverage the Hillsborough Disaster and got largely banned from Liverpool) wrote, “Such a sentence, far from convincing young people that cannabis (hemp) is harmful, is too likely to make a martyr of this wretched young man and invest it with false glamour.” 

Brian, though shaken, was released the next day on appeal. What helped his case, though, was when Judge Block made a rather tactless statement: “We did our best, your fellow countrymen, I, and my fellow magistrates, to cut these Stones down to size, but alas, it was not to be, because the Court of Criminal Appeal let them roll free.”

Though Block later claimed he was being sarcastic, Les Perrin issued a statement of his own: “In view of Brian Jones being on bail it seems deplorable that a member of the judiciary should so contravene the normally accepted practice in a case being sub judice, as to joke and poke fun. He made an unprecedented observation both on the trial he conducted at Chichester, and the subsequent findings of the Court of Criminal Appeal. Is this the kind of justice Brian expects? Is this man typical of those who hold the title, the high and esteemed office to try and sentence people? How can the public believe, in the light of this utterance by Judge Block, that the Rolling Stones can get an unbiased hearing? His statement smacks of pre-judgement, a getting-together, ‘to cut the Stones down to size’ because of who they are. It is a pity that he did not observe the ethics of sub judice in a like manner to Mr Jagger, Mr Richards, Mr Jones by remaining silent.”

At the appeal on December 12, Brian’s doctors again said that he had become potentially suicidal as a result of the trial, and its effect on his mental health. When all was said and done, his sentence was reduced to three years’ probation under the condition that he pay a £1,000 fine and that he receive psychiatric help, with the judge saying, “Remember, this is a degree of mercy which the court has shown. It’s not a let-off.”

Later on, Stash would note, “An artist can be hounded into a state in which his mental health will deteriorate and that’s what happened to Brian, I’m sure. I was very angry and blamed the authorities, but ultimately, an individual has to blame himself.”

On December 14, Brian’s chauffeur found him collapsed in his flat and called 999. After an hour, Brian walked out, against doctors’ orders that he should stay overnight. He went straight to the Priory Clinic, and the next day, went in to the dentist to get two teeth pulled due to having a raging toothache. Brian later said that the collapse had been a reaction to the trial. 

And even so, that is not where the story ends, though I honestly wish it did. On May 21, police showed up at Brian’s door again, this time being led by Detective-Sergeant Robin Constable. Once again, police found cannabis, and Brian was utterly distraught, saying such things as “This can’t happen again, just when we’re getting on our feet”, “Why do I always get bugged?”, and “Why do you always have to pick on me?”

Speculation exists to this day that this second search was a carefully orchestrated plant, but whether or not it was will likely never be known for certain.

While the substance was taken away for testing, Brian found himself being dragged to the courthouse shortly before 10 AM. You can probably imagine the press had a field day, and by this point, Brian was completely mentally drained. 

Brian appeared in court on June 11, 1968, where this time, he pled not guilty to the charges of cannabis possession. By this time, there was a new procedure under the Criminal Justice Act, preventing the need for evidence to be given in detail in court (which was a provision that hadn’t been present the first time around). Brian also elected to once again undergo trial by jury. 

Brian’s second trial occurred on September 26, 1968. He was also looking very sickly; his skin was pale, he’d gained weight, and the bags under his eyes were more pronounced now than at any other time in his life. Brian was charged with illegally possessing 144 grains of cannabis, and once again, he entered a plea of not guilty. Brian’s defense was that he’d been staying in the flat that actress Joanna Pettet had moved out of just two hours before while a house that he’d recently purchased was being decorated. Pettet later claimed that she’d left the ball of wool there, but denied any knowledge of the cannabis found inside it. Brian also claimed to have been receiving medical treatment since the last trial, and his doctor said, “Nothing suggested to me that Jones was playing around cannabis. If I put a reefer cigarette by this young man, he would run a mile.”

Chairman Reginald Seaton (the same guy at Brian’s first trial) in his last address to the jury said that the burden of proof should rest with the police, considering that all that was found in Brian’s flat was the cannabis, but no evidence that it had been smoked. Despite this though, the jury returned 45 minutes later to pronounce Brian guilty. Luckily for him, Seaton took pity on him, only giving him a fine, stating, “I think this was a lapse and I don’t want to interfere with the probation order that already applies to this man. I am going to fine you according to your means. You must keep clear of this stuff. You really must watch your step. You will be fined £50 with 100 guineas [£105] costs. For goodness sake, don’t get into trouble again or you really will be in serious trouble.” 

Of this second trial, Brian himself later said, “When the jury announced the guilty verdict, I was sure I was going to jail for at least a year. It was such a wonderful relief when I heard I was only going to be fined. I’m happy to be free. It’s wonderful. This summer has been one long worry to me. Someone planted the drug in my flat, but I don’t know who. I will state till my death that I did not commit this offence.”

The rest, as most would say, is history. Brian continued to spiral out of control, losing interest in the Stones until he was eventually fired on June 8, 1969, and replaced by Mick Taylor. Twenty-five days later, Brian drowned in his backyard swimming pool at the tender age of 27, becoming one of the first members of what would eventually be dubbed the “27 Club.”

I do have a theory that Brian’s death was primarily caused by sleeping pills and alcohol, maybe even some combination of heart failure, liver failure, and/or undiagnosed epilepsy exacerbated by the side-effects of some of the drugs he was allegedly prescribed right before his death, but that, dear readers, is another story. 

Meanwhile, the Stones are still rolling and Mick and Keith are still alive (obviously), the latter of whom celebrated his 76th birthday while I was writing this, by some miracle. 

While I was unable to ascertain whether using one’s home for drug abuse still carried the steep penalties it did in 1967, I was able to find UK law regarding drug possession. Sentencing largely depends on the quantity of the drug and whether or not there was an intent to sell, but amphetamines and cannabis can still land you with a fine and a jail sentence of up to five years. 

If there is a silver lining to be found in this whole mess, Pilcher was eventually found guilty of perjury (though not for possibly planting dope on rock stars), and was himself sentenced to four years in prison for claiming a drug smuggler was innocent and had served with the police (not true in the slightest, as he was actually caught red-handed in the act of selling). 

What can I say? Karma’s a bitch. 

Sources:  https://www.gov.uk/penalties-drug-possession-dealing http://www.timeisonourside.com/chron1968.html http://timeisonourside.com/chron1967.html https://stewarthomesociety.org/blog/archives/1813 https://groovyhistory.com/sgt-pilcher-stories-narc-arrested-mick-jagger-john-lennon-keith-richards-george-harrison https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/inside-allen-kleins-role-in-1967-jagger-richards-drug-bust-43267/ https://wbig.iheart.com/featured/lisa-berigan/content/2017-07-05-rolling-stones-jagger-remembers-drug-arrest/ https://dangerousminds.net/comments/simon_wells_the_great_rolling_stones_drugs_bust https://rulefortytwo.com/secret-rock-knowledge/chapter-11/redlands/ http://www.rockonrockmusic.com/the-redlands-police-raid-jagger-keith-richards-jailed-for-drugs/ http://blog.bathroomwall.com/police-raid-keith-richards-redlands-home-in-sussex-for-drugs/ https://www.nme.com/photos/the-great-rolling-stones-drug-bust-1402298 Faithfull: An Autobiography by Marianne Faithfull Stone Alone by Bill Wyman Life by Keith Richards Brian Jones: The Untold Life and Mysterious Death of a Legend by Laura Jackson Brian Jones: The Making of the Rolling Stones by Paul Trynka https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norman_Pilcher https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Fraser_(art_dealer)

#the rolling stones #keith richards #mick jagger #brian jones #i've said it before and i'll say it again #this whole trial was stupid #and i'm still partially blaming semolina pilchard for what happened to brian #not entirely though #i'm way too technical #and this ended up being longer than the original #by a lot #rock and roll #storytime

[ladyofpurple]

answer all of the questions!!

holy SHIT ok bless you omg

(sorry it's a full day late i took this shit SERIOUSLY. don't ask me how many hours this took, i was in A Mood™️ last night. removed the ones already answered xoxo)

angel; have you ever been in love?

yeah. didn't end too well, but i loved him.

petal; favorite novel and author?

this is like asking me to pick a favorite child. i guess favorite author would be stephen king, if only based entirely on the sheer quantity of his books i own alone. favorite book would probably be special topics in calamity physics by marisha pessl, and i'm only saying that because it's been my go-to response for years. i have lots of favorite books. ask me again in five minutes and i'll give you another one.

honey perfume; favorite perfume/scent?

freshly made coffee. lilacs. jasmine. cut grass. the ground after it rains. chocolate chip cookies in the oven. cigarette smoke on skin. my mom's shampoo. my grandma. my dog when he's just had a bath. thanksgiving dinner. acrylic paint on canvas. sawdust. that one cologne i can't name but can smell on a guy from a mile away. mulled cranberry and apple juice. vanilla. coconut. fresh laundry. peppermint.

sweet pea; what’s your zodiac?

virgo sun, pisces moon, scorpio rising ✨

softie; talk about your sexuality.

i'm biromantic asexual, primarily attracted to men more than women (but have had too many crushes on girls to consider myself het), generally sex repulsed when it comes to the thought of having it myself. i prefer to call myself queer in passing conversation, it's easier than explaining asexuality and the differences between sexual and romantic attraction. if someone asks more specifically, i'll usually just call myself bi for simplicity's sake, even though the ace part is a much more important (to me) part of my identity. monogamous as fuck.

i'm still struggling with internalized homophobia and a lot of "am i even queer enough" thoughts, which is super fun. took me a long time to even consider the fact that i might like girls at all. i'll probably never come out to my parents. not that they'd, like, disown me or whatever, but they're juuuuust homophobic/transphobic enough that my few attempts to educate them when they say something A Little Yikes have shown me that i should probably just stay in the closet unless i absolutely have to come out. like i'm getting married to a woman or something.

sugarplum; what’s the color of your eyes and hair?

i usually say my eyes are green because it's easier, and they mostly are, but i have rings of greyish blue around the irises and sometimes they're more hazel in the middle. they always have a green tint to them though, even if the intensity of the green varies.

my natural hair is brown, a little on the darker and slightly ashy side of completely generic. currently a former blonde, although i'm hoping to bleach my fucking YEAR of growout soon, and then go some crazy color as a last hurrah before i have to go dark again. being broke fucking sucks.

wings; coffee or tea?

tea!! black tea. chai, to be specific, with an irresponsible amount of milk and sugar. chai lattes are a fucking drug okay? coffee makes me sick (not a judgement, a literal fact. last time i tried some i threw up).

fairytale; are you a cat or dog person?

cat!! but my family has a chihuahua named sonny and you can pry that little monster from my cold dead hands ok i will fight you.

snowflake; favorite time period?

okay, i wrote and rewrote my answer to this about 10 times. then i tried to divide it up into categories (aesthetics, history, fashion, vibes, geographical location, etc), but that didn't help. so basically: i don't have one, because i have too many.

i like the american 20s-60s for the aesthetic, music/movies, and the fashion. i also like the european 1600s-1800s for the interesting history and also vibe. i love the french and russian revolutions — the fashion! the art! the wars and political upheaval! I FUCKING LOVE HISTORY. then, of course, we can't forget the rennaisance. or the witch trials (pick your continent). and ancient greece? the roman empire? hello?? did i mention empires? how bout we mosy on over to south america — can i interest you in the mayans? incans? aztecs? what about china and japan? korea? vietnam? and don't even get me fucking STARTED on the black plague.

ancient egypt? sign me the FUCK UP. vikings? yes please. the celts? oh boy. the MYTHOLOGY. the ARCHITECTURE. the LANGUAGES and POLITICS and LITERATURE and REVOLUTIONS and GOD HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE BETWEEN ANY OF THESE

i uh. might have gotten a little excited. basically i like history a lot. and mythology. and linguistics. and cultural practices. and the politics and prejudices behind wars and stuff. and learning in general. moving on.

vanilla; do you believe in ghosts?

let's put it this way: i don't not believe in ghosts??

listen. we don't know jack shit. we don't know what happens after we die, there are constant scientific revelations that turn our understanding of the universe completely upside-down, and there is literally no way to know which religions or myths or urban legends could have some grain of truth to them. like, dude, i've literally thought i was haunted before. psychology is bananas and the universe is infinite.

demons could be real. ghosts could be real. what if we just haven't invented the necessary technology to prove it yet? what if we never do, and they just fuck around alongside us, moving furniture and making shadow puppets on the walls just for kicks until the earth explodes? what if that one tumblr post was right and ghosts are actually real people from alternate universes or timelines that we see accidentally bc some cosmic wires got crossed? who fucking knows.

i love horror movies and scary stories and ghost hunter shows just as much as the next gal. but listen. psychics? mediums? people who accept every single creepypasta retold third-hand from their neighbor's kid's classmate's second cousin who "totally knows a guy"? doubt.jpeg

i don't understand the sheer amount of assumptions made willy-nilly about the nature of ghosts and demons and things that go bump in the night. the assumption that "oh this machine that totally doesn't look like a coathanger taped to a walkman will work because ghosts have this temperature and can always communicate like this and are electromagnetic" or whatever just baffles me. to a certain degree, following a general consensus is one thing — some basic things everyone can agree on? that's cool. ghosts can walk through walls and are probably dead people or whatever. but oh my god, taking every single story as absolute, undeniable proof?? taking these stories and expanding on them to infer intentions and scientific facts to something that by it's very nature is unknowable and assuming, like, every spirit is created equal?? and yeah, ghost hunting shows are fun and campy and kinda creepy but like. you really, genuinely don't think any of them have ever faked anything at all??? even if ghosts are real, it's fucking reality tv, my dude. it's the entertainment industry. at least maintain the slightest ounce of critical thought before taking zak bagans' word as the goddamn gospel.

and sidenote, maybe it's just my limited exposure as a white woman in the western world, but of all the shows and podcasts and movies and documentaries and whatnot i've been able to find and consume, there's the constant use of christian ideology applied to every situation that just really burns my bacon. what, there's never been an atheist ghost? if you see a shadow person and you don't know the lord's prayer by heart, are you automatically fucked? why are there never stories about, i don't know, viking ghosts? does your religion in life preclude you from becoming a ghost in the first place? is that why people never mention buddhist ghosts? i don't get it, and that's why even though i'm self-admittedly the most superstitious person i've ever met, true believers make me roll my eyes so hard they almost fall out. makes me come across as more skeptical than i theoretically am. I HAVE VERY STRONG FEELINGS ABOUT THIS OK

but like, you couldn't pay me to fuck with a ouija board. i'm not stupid.

delicate; diamonds or pearls?

both have their appeal and their place, but diamonds, i guess. i like the sparkle. but fake ones!! or synthetic. diamonds are overpriced and artificial scarcity is a scam and i don't need a dumb rock that some poor person in a mine somewhere was exploited and possibly died for. no blood diamonds in this house, thank you very much.

if i ever get engaged, i don't want a diamond ring. i'd want something cool, a little unusual, like a ruby or a sapphire or some other sparkly gem that isn't literally shoved in your face every waking moment as the expected standard symbol of True Love. they're cheaper, they're cool-looking, as a ring they still hold the cultural symbolism of an engagement/wedding ring. and honestly, as long as it's well-made and durable, whatever hypothetical gem it is doesn't have to be real either. i'm a woman of simple needs and demonstrably low standards. no point in going into debt for a fucking piece of jewelry, regardless of ~tradition~.

lavender dream; favorite album?

oh lord. welcome to the black parade, i guess. or anything by panic! at the disco. there are dozens of possible options — my interests are mercurial and my memory is garbage. but i'll always be an emo little shit. black parade and vices and virtues were also the first two albums i ever listened to where i loved every single song on them, and i happened to listen to them for the first time at around the same point in my life (i got into mcr super late. like, 2012 late. rip).

silky; what’s your biggest dream?

it's cheesy but i guess i just want stability and, by extension, happiness. emotional stability, mental stability, financial stability, stable living situation, stable routines, stable relationships... you get the idea. i have ambitions and passions, of course, but my ultimate goal is happiness at this point in my life, and i'm pretty sure stabilizing all those things would go a pretty long way in achieving that goal.

a little apartment with walls i can paint because white walls make me angry. bookshelves and posters and fandom merch on every wall. a computer i can actually play games on again, and somewhere i can paint and draw and record my podcasts. someone who loves me, maybe. a cat, if i'm stable enough. space for people to come visit me, and a place for them to sleep if they need. a tiny balcony, if i really want to shoot for the stars. a job i don't hate. the spoons to hang out with my friends, and the money to not worry about buying little presents for the people i care about sometimes. i don't need much.

strawberry kiss; do you have a crush right now?

nope.

glitter; favorite fictional character?

another loaded question. like books, if you ask me again in five minutes i'll probably give you a different answer. but in this particular moment, caleb and jester from critical role (please don't make me choose between them). i won't go full shipping mode rn, but jester is so funny and silly and sweet, so much more complex than she seems, and she tries so hard to make everyone happy even when she's so sad inside. the healer who treats healing as an inconvenience in battle (she's so fucking valid and also mood), the glue that keeps the party together. and caleb learning to trust again, facing his trauma and coming out of his shell. he loves his friends so much he plays wizard as a support class and i love him so much.

i love the mighty nein in general, of course, and all the guests/honorary members they've had. pumat!! pls don't be evil reani!! keg!! shakäste and grand duchess anastasia!! cali!! kiri!!!! the brotps! empire siblings! chaos crew! nott the best detective agency! i still love molly and all his assholery to bits (fight me), and mourn his lost potential. i adore yasha, even when she's gone; fjord has grown so much; beau and nott and caduceus — i love all their flaws and disagreements and their character arcs and the excitement of watching them grow and learn. but if i had to choose, caleb, jester and molly have always been my top 3 since day 1 and, well, molly isn't really an option anymore.

but like i said, ask me again in a minute. i have a fucking list.

swan; share a quote or passage that means something to you.

a collection of things off the top of my head:

Elinor agreed to it all, for she did not think he deserved the compliment of rational opposition. — Sense and Sensibility, Jane Austen

a tired feminist Mood™️

"What I say is, a town isn't a town without a bookstore. It may call itself a town, but unless it's got a bookstore, it knows it's not foolin' a soul." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

i got my love of books from my grandma — some of my favorites i got from her. sometimes, as a treat, she used to take my sister and i to bookstores and we'd stay there for ages, getting to pick one out, roaming the shelves, the mental torture of having to choose. the peace of being surrounded by thousands of potential worlds, so much information, so many stories just waiting to be told; being surrounded by strangers who share that same wonder. the anxious drive home so we could read them, being unable to wait that long so i inevitably start reading in the car and make myself sick. telling her in excited detail all my favorite parts. if we were lucky, maybe we got to split a bear claw, or she'd drive past starbucks and get us something there too (tall vanilla soy steamer with one pump of vanilla syrup, whipped cream on top that always melted too quickly and squirted out the hole in the lid, so hot it burned my tongue but so good i didn't care). i have never felt more at home than i do when i'm surrounded by books.

"There are a lot of different types of freedom. We talk about freedom the same way we talk about art, like it was a statement of quality rather than a description. “Art” doesn’t mean good or bad. Art just means art. It can be terrible and still be art. Freedom can be good or bad, too. There can be terrible freedom. You freed me, and I didn’t ask you to." — Alice Isn't Dead, season 1, chapter 2: Alice

as cringey as it is to admit it, this line made me cry a lot after my breakup.

"So you aren't American?" asked Shadow.

"Nobody's American," said Wednesday. "Not originally. That's my point." — American Gods, Neil Gaiman

[side-eyes white america real hard]

there's more, of course. there's always more. don't even get me started on song lyrics, we'll be here all day.

lace; what’s your favorite plant/flower?

lilacs and roses.

mermaid; do you prefer the forest or the ocean? why?

both, i guess. but in different ways, and in different circumstances.

the sea is wild. it is endless and deep and unknowable. it is beautiful and dangerous. i am terrified of the ocean, and yet my favorite place in the world is an empty beach on the oregon coast. i have picked sand from between my toes for days with hair crusted in salt, danced around bonfires and watched the stars while marshmallows burn, gotten pulled under the waves as a child and nearly swept out to sea. picked starfish and crabs from small pools in the rocks, and swum (accidentally) with wild sea lions. in a long skirt, too early in the year to be swimming, i once took off my shoes and waded fully clothed into the water to my waist and just... danced. splashed and kicked and laughed with a boy i barely knew until our throats were sore and our toes were numb, walking home hours later with our soaked clothes clinging to our legs, shoes squelching, dripping algae as we went. the ocean is freeing and overwhelming all at once. i love it and am petrified by it in equal measure.

the forest is beautiful in a different way. it is silent and dense and serene. you are surrounded by life and yet, somehow, completely alone. there is magic in the forest, and history, and even when all else dies, that will remain. the trees grow from the corpses of their ancestors, and some have lived dozens of our lifetimes — with luck, a few dozen more. it is quiet there, peaceful, even the tiniest wood in the middle of a city muffling the outside world through the trees. you can feel the ancient ways deep in your soul as you follow winding paths strewn with fallen leaves, the mystery and wonder and superstitions of your forefathers. you wonder what it would be like, to run your fingers over the moss, to take off your shoes and socks and just run, leaping and dancing over rocks and roots, hair wild and air filling your lungs in deep, pure gulps as you shed the responsibilities and struggles of modern life, for just a moment remembering what freedom tastes like. it is primal, this connection to nature, one we have nearly forgotten over time. and as the sky grows dark and the silence of night presses against you, shadows looming, every footfall deafening, perhaps you begin to understand why some believed in monsters.

honeymoon; do you keep a journal?

i used to. honestly, that's a good idea, i should start doing that again. lord knows i have enough empty journal-type books.

starlight; do you believe in love at first sight and soulmates? why/why not?

i want to. i want to believe there's someone out there for me, the love of my life, someone to whom i'll be the love of their life, and that when i meet them i'll just... know.

but when i met my ex, i didn't really look twice at him for a while — no love at first sight. and when we were together, when i loved him and he swore he loved me back, i thought he hung the stars in the sky and knew i would marry him someday. couldn't even consider the idea that that wouldn't happen. and then when he broke up with me, he ghosted me so suddenly and thoroughly that he even preemptively cut contact with every single one of our mutual friends he thought might side with me in the breakup, before anybody even knew we'd had a fight. so, not soulmates either.

i really want to believe that someday the perfect romance will just fall into place and i can have the happily ever after i've always dreamed of. but the reality is i might never even have another s.o. for the rest of my life. maybe i'll get hit by a car tomorrow, or my hypothetical soulmate moves to argentina to become an alpaca farmer on a mountain somewhere and we never even meet. maybe i'm so traumatized by the betrayal and lies that i'll never have the courage to even try again.

and even so, happily ever after doesn't have to include a fairytale romance, regardless of whether i want it or not. i still like to cling to that hope though, deep down.

princess; what do you value most in people?

i'm going to assume you mean "real people" as in people i have positive relationships with, and not random strangers on the street.

loyalty. kindness. support. humor. similar values. patience. being able to grow together and teach each other things, so we can make each other better. honesty. trust. compassion. confidence. emotional vulnerability. communication. intelligence, or at least a willingness to learn. strength.

#nobody asked me to go this hard and yet here we are #my favorite pasttimes: talking about myself and being pretentious on main #Lady answers stuff #anon good nurse #Lady of Purple's slice of life #ask meme

[sonderrow-moved]

This is a headcanon I say I’m gonna write properly but I won’t probably. So here you get the unedited me talking on Discord headcanon.

Archer was way less bitter when younger, he spoke with way less sarcasm and dark humor. Instead, he believed himself to be near invincible, untouchable. That he could attain success with little effort. He knew how to take social cues to make someone feel secure and in trust. He was very soft spoken, but gave a lot of humoristic replies and bit of sass to his peers to retain respect. He was outgoing and was the kind of (seemingly) extroverted guy who knew how to notice a smarter looking introverted and show them he noticed them―this brought Archer loyalty from both outcasts and more popular folks.

Truth was that he was actually an introvert himself and hated being surrounded by people. But he was too young and dead inside/numb to following those type of social gain instructions that he never noticed. Even asked about his suicide attempt during college post his 20 years anniversary, he had no idea what to say.

On the darker side, after school, Archer was pushed to gradually numb himself to others’ pain. He was already prominent to sociopathy and narcissism due to his social manipulation and focus on personal gain, but it was his upbringing that tied the knot. He would beat people who could fight back, then people who were helpless, then watch mostly teens his age and children being abused in front of others like an expensive show.

At the same time, there were his frowned at sexual preferences of ephebophilia (a primary sexual interest towards mid-to-late teens, around 15 to 19, though I personally range Archer from 13 to 17). At first he thought he just liked his peers, but the more he aged, the more he didn’t feel anything for anyone in senior high school and college.

Because he believed himself to be straight, he naturally drew the conclusion that just like most guys like a younger female partner, he was doing the same.

The problem was with boys, there was on way for him to really know what was going on; he only was shown examples of boys being abused in front of him, and even then this was committed primarily by women. Archer thought that past the initial disgust, fear and indifference, he developed a finer taste, just like a finer taste in wine.

After knowing boys and gaining their trust, Archer would show a lot of predatory behaviour. The issue was that nobody could really notice, because he was himself young, went on dates (and was active in talking about it so). And on top of that, boys loved him. The preference towards being around boys instead of girls was again never questioned because “Oh boys hang out with boys that’s normal”.

He never outright raped and younger boy. He was doting and soft, which didn’t make any kid question themselves because they were taught how to fear way older men who would try to hurt them. Archer brought them love, attention, lecturing, mentorship and gifts. How he got his way was some inappropriate touching here and there, or way too much talk r-rated subjects. In terms of tension, he was very much like how he seems so constantly flirty like with Hœnir in the present without actual sexual penetration or kissing. At the same time, he didn’t do anything he believed would seem questionable were as the kid would tell his guardians.

Those preferences still show after his trip to prison. Atop of still being flirty, when looking at adults, he at I’d say 90% feels strongly attracted to those with smooth skin, younger features and light coloured hair.

However, an issue Archer meets is that just like some people with those type of sexual interests, his predatory tendencies bring their own fantasies (though they are what they are―fantasies, which he never deeply thought about), and when meeting someone as an adult when he knew them as a kid, Archer strongly tends to only see “This is the kid I met, he is exactly the same only in a bigger body”. It brings him to “start where they left off” and get way touchier than he is with the average person. Like a longing lover. And denies that person of any adult-like characteristics they might have (it doesn’t help that his dominant attitude make people more submissive, have a hard time asserting themselves). To see someone like that as a real man/woman, he kinda needs a pretty big slap. That slap comes with two conclusions: violence or a plea  to still like him.

I imagine it would have been much more healthier for Archer to have a simple friendship with Hœnir* (edit: talking to dear Hœmun but this applies to anyone involved in Archer’s past verses), since despite his social persona, they genuinely bonded. Before any physical preference, Archer’s attraction, platonic or romantic or anything, is primarily defined by intelligence.

He was entirely the type who’d wait for someone younger to grow up and become a legal adult before sleeping with them, or officially date them.

Only he never was able to, since he was thrown into arranged marriage very early on; he had been to meetings of potential candidates since he 16. It was settled in stone in his mind that he would marry a pretty lady and have pretty children.

Archer knew how to deal with younger people having a crush on him. He had girls (pre-est relationship on tumblr) try to kiss him “that’s what boyfriend and girlfriend do, I wanna be your girlfriend”, and he always told them. “Come back when you’re an adult and we’ll see” with a smile and a kiss on the forehead or cheek.

Those preferences still show after his trip to prison. Atop of still being flirty in attitude towards pretty much everyone, when looking at adults, he at I’d say 90% feels strongly attracted to those with smooth skin, younger features and light coloured hair.

However, an issue Archer meets is that just like some people with those type of sexual interests, his predatory tendencies bring their own fantasies (though they are what they are―fantasies, which he never deeply thought about), and when meeting someone as an adult when he knew them as a kid, Archer strongly tends to only see “This is the kid I met, he is exactly the same only in a bigger body”.

It brings him to “start where they left off” and get way touchier than he is with the average person. Like a longing lover. And denies that person of any adult-like characteristics they might have (it doesn’t help that his dominant attitude make people more submissive, have a hard time asserting themselves). To see someone like that as a real man/woman, he kinda needs a pretty big slap. That slap comes with two conclusions: violence or a plea  to still like him.

#. There's a human behind Archer... maybe ( headcanon )