#like when i first watched his backstory in la i really thought he was going on some revenge quest or something | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stusbunker · 2 months

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Spotless: Pomposo

Chapter Fourteen

Featuring: Dean Winchester/Reader, Dean/Bela

Other characters: Sam, Dean/Jo, John/Kate, Adam, Ellen, Garth/Bess (in passing), Cas and Mary (mentioned)

Word Count: 4559

Warnings, etc: Mutual pining. MORE BACKSTORY AHEAD, story takes place currently in Dec 2017, flashback to Jan. 2004 in italics, talk of Sam's past use of hard drugs, hangovers, vomit, car accidents, injuries, character death, guilt, John was not so great a parent or husband, some paraphrasing of last chapter unbeta'd

Special shout out to @thoughtslikeaminefield who helped immensely on sorting out the backstory for this chapter too, way back when I started outlining this thing.

Series Masterlist

Sam settled on some old school soul music to start their road trip and Dean couldn’t even come up with a reason to complain. Aretha sang in the background and they headed east, the world was their oyster and all that. Dean held onto the small bit of smug satisfaction from the interview with Meg as the city disappeared behind them. She really wanted him to crack, but he hadn't and that gave him some hope for going home.

They veered north for a bit and continued on I-40 until they hit Flagstaff. Dean liked the mountains, the air was infinitely better than LA and there was something about spending the holidays where it got cold that made sense. Unfortunately, it was just an overnight stay. How they managed a room in the first hotel they tried, he’d never know. He just shuffled in with his duffel bag and his ball cap over his now sleep-sloppy hair. There was a player-piano in the lobby and Dean had the fleeting thought about how Cas was spending the holidays.

Maybe he’d try and leave him another message, it had been months.

Sam called Madison after dinner and Dean decided to check out the amenities in order to not have to watch Sam get all goopy. Dean hadn’t packed a bathing suit, but a gym’s a gym even if it’s just three treadmills, a stair climber and free weights. So, he jogged for a little bit, watching whatever passed for news. He forgot his earbuds in the room and it really wasn’t worth going back for, he was finding his groove even without music as a buffer to the world around him.

After a solid 5k, Dean stepped down to stretch. Which worked out because a couple in their fifties came in just as he started some curls, leaving the treadmills open for their evening stroll. They talked about their family, the wife explaining what she got each of their grandchildren and where they were supposed to be on which day. Perfectly normal people conversation, but something about it made Dean sad, so he tried to tune them out and focus on his reps.

Part of his life after Cain and Alistair was a loss of gym time. Sure, he could work out at home or even do laps around the neighborhood, but it wasn’t the hours in the ring or at the bag or with a jump rope full-body-punishment that he had worked himself up to. It was also a lot more peaceful, less reactionary. And Dean decided he would find a balance between stagnation and self-destruction. Twenty eighteen was just around the corner afterall.

Dean got back to the room in time to shower and crash. If they wanted to push it, they could make it to their Dad’s place the next day. But neither of them were in a hurry, even in Sam’s fuckboy Charger it was nice to be on the road together. Dean took the first stretch towards Albuquerque, but Sam called it in Santa Fe. He had thought ahead and booked them a hotel instead of chancing it again, which surprised Dean for some reason. Sam had gone and gotten to be responsible while Dean was busy fishing himself out of professional purgatory.

“You talk to Bela?” Sam asked as they waited for their pizza to be delivered.

“Uh, she texted me that she landed at Heathrow, but not really. Why?” Dean asked after taking a sip of his beer.

“Wasn’t sure if you guys were doing the whole gift exchange thing,” Sam shrugged. “Madison made me wait until after we get back to give her hers.”

Dean chuckled. “I don’t want to know what you’re giving her, alright?”

Sam rolled his eyes, but otherwise ignored the innuendo. “Won’t people be asking about what you got her?”

Dean hadn’t really thought about it. “I guess I could ask Trouble for some ideas, see if she thinks it’s necessary we post about it. I don’t know, I was kind of hoping of forgetting about the whole thing until New Year’s at Elizabeth’s, you know?”

Sam leveled Dean with a glare. “You know Dad is gonna ask to meet her.”

Dean set down his beer. “Well it’s a good thing she’s halfway across the world then.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Mom loved that show,” Sam said thoughtfully.

He was right. Dean had completely forgotten about why he’d recognized Bela the first time they’d met at your housewarming party way back when. But, yeah, Mary had watched ‘Red Sky in the Morning’ every Tuesday night after she put them to bed. Once Dean reached junior high, he was able to persuade her to let him stay up and watch too.

“I can’t believe it was on as long as it was, it was fucking awful,” Dean said playfully.

“Yeah, but it was her escape,” Sam added gently.

Dean took a long pull off his beer. “I guess so.”

When Sam went to meet the delivery driver, Dean turned on the television, banking on some sort of Christmas special to take his mind off memory lane. They ate quietly, letting last minute sales commercials drown out their thoughts. Tomorrow they were going home, or as close to it as they had outside of LA. Dean felt lopsided over getting to see Adam, having to navigate his dad, and tiptoeing Kate’s well-meaning but invasive nature.

But that’s family for you, nothing more important than that.

Dean rolled over on the couch, something had woken him up and he was too hungover to let it win. But it didn’t stop, a trilling sound coming from his pants pocket, fuck, it was his phone. He cracked one eye open and checked the caller id.

He closed his eyes and answered. “Morning, beautiful.”

“Dean Winchester?” a harried voice asked, decidedly not Jo.

“Ellen?”

“Yeah, listen— there’s been an accident. Jo and Y/N were T-boned on Hound Drive last night. Can you come to the hospital? I just came home for a change of clothes, but I’m heading back there now.”

Dean sat up, liquor and a headache dulling his reflexes. “Ellen? What are they saying?”

“She’s in the ICU. I— we need you there.”

Terror flooded Dean’s system, churning with a relentless guilt. Jo wouldn’t have been out so late if it wasn’t to see him. He swallowed. “Uh, of course. Do you want me to drive you? I can be there in ten minutes.”

“I’ll pick you up. I’ve got my truck, the roads are still a mess.”

“Right, okay, I’m at Dad and Kate’s— do you–”

“I’ll be there soon.”

“Ellen? Be careful.”

“Don’t you start young man.”

“Yes ma’am.”

Ellen hung up.

Dean stumbled into the bathroom and threw up. He didn’t have time for a shower. Instead he grabbed his shaving kit and threw on a fresh layer of deodorant and brushed his teeth. He pounded three Advil with the water from one of those flowery Dixie cups Kate kept in a plastic dispenser on the counter. He couldn’t look at himself in the mirror, he knew how bad he must look. He stomped back into the living room and swapped his sweaty flannel for one that smelled neutral from his duffel. Adam showed up as Dean was shoving his boots on.

“Dean? Can I put on cartoons?”

He didn’t jump, Dean didn’t get scared of six-year-olds in footie pajamas. He was just on edge, was all.

“Knock yourself out,” Dean said.

“Where are you going?” Adam asked, stealing the afghan Dean had left on the floor.

“Uh, friend of mine had an accident, so I’m heading to the hospital. Can you tell Dad? I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“You can tell me yourself,” John’s voice pressed in behind Dean as he came in from the kitchen, mug of coffee in hand.

“Dad—,” Dean looked at his father, a man who had been on the road cheating on his mother for years. The same mother who died in a fire because John couldn’t bother to make sure to keep the electrical in their shitty double wide up to code. “It’s Jo. Ellen’s gonna take me to the hospital. Dad, I—”

John’s entire stance changed. “Go. Call when you know something. I’ll send Sammy when he’s up, he’ll know what to do.”

They both knew Sam couldn’t stop whatever was happening, but he’d keep Dean from causing a scene.

A car honked in the driveway.

“I gotta go. Thanks,” Dean brushed past his dad without even a glance at Adam.

Dean wouldn’t let Ellen drive, even hungover he trusted himself behind the wheel more than a desperate mother. She only pretended to argue before sliding across the bench seat and letting him in. The roads were a mess. In the thirty minute drive to the hospital, Dean saw another two cars in the ditch. Though, it was clear now in the morning sunshine, everything was blinding in its whiteness.

“Listen, you shut up and keep your head down. Let me do the talking,” Ellen warned him as they approached the reception desk.

“Hi, I’m Ellen Harvelle, I’m here to see my daughter Joanna? This is her fiance.”

Dean squirmed, but nodded at the nurse who looked at him like she wanted to reach over and hug him. “Of course, right this way.”

She led Dean and Ellen down a hushed hallway, the beeping of machines and huffing of ventilators the only sounds escaping the doorways as they passed. Dean looked around for a trash can, the painkillers in his stomach threatening to come back up. Ellen took his hand and pulled him into a room.

Jo was hooked up to more machines than should have fit in the tiny room. Her hair was matted with blood and she was drowning in the hospital gown. Her beautiful face was swollen and red, the bruises still forming where she hit the passenger side window— or maybe that was the dashboard, Dean couldn’t tell she was so misshapen.

“Oh, Jo,” Dean’s voice broke. He stopped himself from saying anything as the nurse talked, but all he wanted to do was sob.

He didn’t realize he had let go of Ellen’s hand until he was clenching the rail along Jo’s bedside. Ellen stood on the other side of her, carefully brushing the hair out of Jo’s beaten face. Her one arm was framed in a metal fixator, skin angry from where the bone sliced her open from the inside. Her leg was in a brace, but at least that meant those bones were more salvageable.

“What happened?” Dean said eventually, unsure of when the nurse left. He eyed the machines tracking Jo’s heart rate, but he wasn’t sure if the readings were good or bad.

“Someone was driving on the wrong side of the road— couldn’t see the lines and Y/N swerved to miss them, they spun out and the other car didn’t stop. They took her to surgery– her right knee was shattered.”

“Jo took the brunt of it,” Dean stated the obvious, still too terrified to reach out and touch Jo. She was suddenly so very fragile.

Ellen sniffed.

“They are watching for internal bleeding before they’ll operate. Her brain—," Ellen couldn’t finish.

“Hey,” Dean rushed around the bed and pulled Ellen against his chest, finally giving his hands something to do. “They’re doing everything they can.”

“It’s not enough,” Ellen argued.

“I know,” Dean agreed, squeezing her tighter.

Ellen pulled back and wiped her eyes, muttering to herself about going soft. Dean needed to give her a moment, hell, he needed a minute to catch his breath. He told her he was going to find coffee and she told him they had a waiting area down the hall. He nearly ran out of Jo’s room.

He checked his watch, it was just after ten o’clock. And as exhausted and hungover as Dean felt, he was pretty sure Ellen hadn’t slept at all after closing the bar. He wondered if she’d even made it home before getting the call. He found the coffee maker and pushed a button for something hot and thin and caffeinated. He wondered if Y/N had passed a breathalyzer, knowing how much Jo had been drinking didn’t make him certain her driver was much better off.

He was gonna be sick again.

He left the paper cup on the grate and fell into one of the stiff plastic chairs around the small table. He put his head between his knees and breathed, resting on his elbows. Dean counted the flecks in the white linoleum squares beneath his feet.

Nothing made sense. They were just getting started. Last night there was the impossible giddiness of seeing her in person after so long and now the unabashed horror of her mother sneaking him into the hospital as her fiance so he could see her before…

She was eighteen-fucking-years-old and he was going to lose her.

And it was all his fault.

He stared at the floor until he couldn’t anymore. The coffee was nothing more than a passing burn on the way to his knotted stomach. But he couldn’t stop the tears and he wouldn’t go back to Ellen until they were dry, she needed him to be better than that. When he couldn’t cry anymore and after he used his last single for a pack of peanut M&Ms, Dean went back to Jo’s room.

Ellen was asleep in an ugly mauve chair with her hand clutching Jo’s good ankle over the thin hospital blanket. Dean found another blanket from a CNA and tucked it around Ellen’s shoulders. He stood guard, through Ellen’s brief nap and the three o’clock shift change, even after Sam came by with lunch but left because he wasn’t allowed on the ward.

The seizures started around five and Ellen and Dean were asked to wait outside. Before six, she was wheeled away from them into emergency surgery and by seven she was gone. Dean had to hold Ellen back from slugging the surgeon. He caught her when she finally sank into reality, and somehow Dean found more tears.

Nothing felt real, least of all Dean himself.

Adam looked Dean in the eye and grinned.

“Get over here you little shit, I told you to stop growing the last time I saw you didn’t I?” Dean hugged his youngest brother hard, thumping him on the back as he rocked from foot to foot. “Good to see you, man.”

“You too,” Adam grunted out before Dean could release him.

Then came John, waiting for Dean as he walked through the front door. They didn’t say anything, just gave each other the once over and went in for the hug. John held him tight until he cleared his throat, stepping away from the vulnerable moment. Sam came in with his bags and hugged Kate first, who had been waiting in the hallway to the kitchen.

“Sammy,” John said, holding out his arms.

“Hey Dad,” Sam hugged with genuine warmth on his face, Dean never thought he’d see the day. But time does things to a person, and forgiveness was always Sam’s superpower.

“You boys hungry? I can reheat dinner, I know you’ve been on the road, wasn’t sure when you’d get in,” Kate offered as Dean went in for the obligatory hug. She had colored her hair, instead of her natural blonde it was a mature auburn, covering the gray and giving her a different air.

“Don’t worry about us, we can scavenge for something later,” Dean assured her. “I like your hair.”

That startled her. “Oh! Thank you, yeah I just figured I’d do something different for winter, you know.”

“Don’t she look good? I told her redheads are feisty,” John teased, wrapping his arm around her waist.

“Gross,” Adam called on the way to the basement, where Sam had headed down to watch him finish his game.

“Beer?” John offered and Dean gladly accepted.

Arriving three days early was pushing their luck, Dean knew that, but there was nothing keeping him in LA. And after the novelty of catching up and last minute shopping in the tiny downtown of Mills’ Crossing, there wasn’t much more small talk to be had.

Naturally, John started it. But it was over Sam that had Dean’s hackles up first. They were sitting down for a late lunch, having gone to church as a family for the first time since Kate and John got married when John made a comment about it was good to see Sam’s forearms ‘healthy’.

What he meant was he was proud of Sam for kicking his habit, for staying clean. What John didn’t know was that Sam was so good at hiding it, Dean had to check between his toes before he finally got him into rehab the last time. Seven years since Sam had kicked it and John still needed to point it out.

The jam session that night seemed to clear the air. Adam had decided he was a drummer sometime after Dean and Sam’s first platinum album so John built him an entire soundproof room in the basement to go wild. Which meant the Winchester men were a full four piece, if they got to pick their parts. Dean abstained from playing lead because it was John’s house after all, but the old man’s hands weren’t what they used to be. And that gave Dean a little bit of satisfaction.

They rolled through the classics, even playing a couple of Phantom Traveler’s songs that didn’t rely too much on the keys. Dean made John sing though, laughing when he made up his own lyrics.

They ended the night with a drunken, almost punk rendition of Jingle Bell Rock after which Kate shut the lights out on them and told them to go to bed.

Christmas Eve was boring, Dean had gotten stir crazy and kept checking his phone. He knew you had gotten in the night before, but he couldn’t justify trying to hang out while you had such little time with your family as it was. Sam gave him a look and they started playing poker, teasing Adam that he needed to know every version of the game if he was gonna hold his own one day.

Kate wiped the floor with them all.

They had eggnog and exchanged one round of gifts before going to bed, no expectations of Santa Claus or any set wake up time scheduled. It was just another day. Dean barely slept, anxiety churning inside him. He tried meditating. He even prayed, but God, who was understandably busy that night, didn’t save him. Because he woke up with a bug up his ass and, naturally, his father was the first one to point it out.

“You kiss your girlfriend with that mouth?” John asked after Dean cursed at Adam’s obnoxious ringtone.

“Do a lot more with it than that,” Dean muttered before he could stop himself.

“Dean Winchester,” John snapped as if Dean was still sixteen, still living under his roof.

“Oh, come on, kids in college, he’s heard worse,” Dean griped, going back to his coffee.

It all went downhill from there. Naturally, Adam got the lion’s share of gifts. Sam and Dean didn’t need anything, but it was so uneven it looked like John and Kate didn’t even remember they were coming to visit. Meanwhile, John’s plasma screen had arrived two days earlier and Sam and Dean were tasked with installing it in the living room midmorning.

Nothing says family time like manual labor and micromanagement.

Dean started drinking before Kate had taken the ham out of the oven. And while Sam wasn’t exactly keeping track, Dean felt like he was asking for whatever bitchface he got next. He just couldn’t stop himself once he started snarking.

Adam was telling them about the musical composition class he had finished and how he had written something for a string quartet.

“Our new keyboard player went to Julliard, you should send it to him,” Dean said off the cuff, before shoving some venison sausage in his mouth from the snack trays Kate put out.

“So you upgraded from Cas officially now?” John asked suspiciously.

“Dad, Cas left the band last spring, of course we made it official,” Sam cut in. John already knew this.

“I know, I just hoped you boys would work it out.”

Dean laughed darkly. “Nothing to work out. Dude left, we moved on.”

“And why did he leave exactly?” John goaded Dean.

Dean rolled his eyes, John was one to talk. He had pissed off half of all musicians between the Rockies and New Orleans before he hung it up.

“Let’s call it the Winchester temper and leave it at that,” Dean smiled without teeth, then popped more snacks into his mouth.

“Yeah, cuz the Campbell blood held only saints,” John muttered.

“Dad!” Sam admonished.

“That’s fucking rich! Talking about her when she’s not here to call you on your shit. I fucking punched Cas, alright?! You happy?! And who, DAD, taught me how to do that? Huh? Winchester temper. Not Campbell. That one was all from you.”

John stepped into Dean’s space, but spoke to Sam. “Sam, take your brother outside for a walk to cool down before dinner.”

Sam grunted in confirmation.

“Watch how you talk to me in my own home, Dean. Or I’ll show you a Winchester temper,” John said lowly. “You understand?”

Dean rolled his shoulders and looked his father in the eye. “Who exactly paid for this house again, Dad? Yeah, I’ll talk to you how you deserve it. I’m out of here.”

Dean felt Adam watching from the corner as Kate pulled John out of the kitchen and into their bedroom to give him a piece of her mind. Sam nodded at their younger brother, silently thanking him for holding down the fort as Dean stormed out the front door.

The Roadhouse was blissfully the same, with only a handful of beaten down cars in the parking lot. Dean had spent enough Christmases at bars or taverns throughout his life, but now he just wanted something that felt like home to get through this tightness in his chest. What they found inside was something altogether more special.

Ellen’s entire face lit up as they walked in, an empty plate in front of her and Garth manning the food line. Dean got his hug in first, but Sam took his time asking about what was going on. Then you were there, and Dean felt a hot shame creep up because he was this close to falling into old patterns. And that wasn’t how he ever wanted you to see him. He zipped his lips, pleading with himself to get a handle on his temper already.

He felt you breathe him in, the truth was never hard for you to suss out. And yet Dean held on, needing you close, being stupid and selfish as ever.

They took their free meal and ducked into a corner, watching as Ellen played angel to the downtrodden of Boone county. Slowly, Dean was able to set his shit aside. With Sam talking about anything and everything across from him; he accepted his resentment for his father, his frustration at himself and the stupid fucking feelings he had for you. It all seemed much more manageable when faced with people who had to get over much bigger obstacles with so much less. There was one more thing he promised he’d do while he was home, now that he’d visited Ellen. And he double checked that Sam was still good to go with him, to be his chauffeur.

They helped clean up, though Ellen moved a mile a minute and did tasks faster than she could explain them. And then Ellen was handing you off like a Christmas present, one that Dean couldn’t ever accept.

Ellen said her goodbyes and left Dean standing in the parking lot without much of a guess on what you wanted to do next.

“I guess we better get going,” he said, asking Sam more than anything.

Then Sam reminded Dean about the cemetery and a new wave of guilt seeped into Dean’s stomach. When it came to Jo, you had first dibs. She was your best friend and Dean’d be damned if he’d visit her without you getting a chance to too. As macabre as it was, he felt he owed it to you.

You looked like you were going to be ill.

“Maybe we should ask her if she wants to go,” he told Sam, searching your eyes for permission at the very least.

You took your time with the idea, but turned him down. “If it’s okay, would you mind dropping me off first? I know it’s in the other direction.”

Dean felt you sinking behind a wall the further they got from the Roadhouse, you asked questions and made conversation, but you weren’t really in it. He probably shouldn’t have brought up Jo, but with Ellen and Christmas and the Roadhouse, she was already everywhere anyway.

They let you out at your parents’ and headed back across town. The streets were almost empty with the sacredness of the holiday. The cemetery was decorated in pine wreaths and cheap red ribbons. The narrow paths were silent beneath their feet. Dean had thought he knew what he wanted to say when he decided to take this little side quest to see Jo.

What he said once Sam was safely back inside the Charger was something else entirely.

“So, I’ve been better. Not like I’m bad now, but I’ve been doing actually better. I was a mess for a long time. And not just from you, but a lot of shit. And last year, I guess earlier this year really, I kind of imploded. I started hurting people, like actually hurting them and justified it to myself somehow. Then I pushed Cas away from helping me, after breaking his nose. And well, the bands a lot different now. But we’re still doing it.

Look, Jo, I know you wanted me to live my dreams and see the world. Things I always wish you could have done. But sometimes dreams are regular everyday things, like bringing home pie or having somebody to say goodnight to. And I haven’t let myself have dreams in a long, long time. But I think maybe I’m starting to again.

And I just need you to know that I’m gonna be okay. And I am gonna do what I can to keep your people safe, because they’re my people now too, you know? You gave me another mom and a best friend without even meaning to. And we all miss you like crazy. But, we’re okay. Merry Christmas, beautiful. I hope the angels pull out all the stops up there.”

Dean exhaled, his nose thick and eyes stinging in the cold air. He wiped his face and looked at Jo’s name one more time before turning back towards the road. Sam waited until Dean was buckled in before asking, “you good?”

“Yeah, man. Let’s get back before I cause more of a sensation,” Dean said, not meeting Sam’s eyes.

“Okay,” was all Sam said.

Tagging:

@deans-spinster-witch

@mrswhozeewhatsis

@cosicas-cuquis

@fics-pics-andotherthings-i-like

@suckitands33

@ladysparkles78

@deans-baby-momma

@stoneyggirl2

@sassy-pelican

@leigh70

@globetrotter28

@winharry

@lastactiontricia

@rockhoochie

Chapter 15: Rubato

#spotless series #dean angst #dean/reader #dean/jo #dean/bela #slow burn #character death #grief #guilt #dean winchester fanfiction #rockstar au #fake dating

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as-i-watch · 8 months

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To answer your question about the reaction of non-fans regarding the show’s tone, I watched the first 3 episodes with people mostly unfamiliar with OP, and their verdict was that it was fine. These were their impressions:

They didn’t have a problem with something mixing cartoonish action with violence (if anything they thought the biggest issue with the tone was that it wasn’t consistently weird/stylized *enough*) BUT they did have a lot of moments where they’d go “wait why did that happen” during scenes, mainly having to do with the character development. One asked what Nami sewing the straw hat at the end of episode 2 had to do with the rest of the episode because she and Luffy were separated for 3/4 of the runtime and all of Buggy and Luffy’s conversations were about Shanks abandoning Luffy and being an outcast. And all of them were just as confused you were about Zoro’s development.

Another friend similarly thought it was weird that the setup for episode 2 had Nami saying she hated pirates and disliked Luffy, but then the episode itself was more about Zoro and Nami bonding and proving their loyalty to Luffy instead of the other way around.

They hated the flashbacks. Mainly because they felt the editing and segues into those flashbacks made the backstories feel tacked on at best and intrusive at worst - not helped by how they thought the pacing in those flashbacks was clunky and way too fast; even started laughing in disbelief when Usopp’s mom died just because of how it happened in less than a minute.

Got REALLY restless and bored whenever Garp and Koby were on screen.

One friend also thought that the Den Den Mushi were meant to signal that a person was a villain because the expressions on the animatronics read to her as *In Constant Pain* and therefore were meant to be seen as animal cruelty, and because so far only antagonistic forces have used them. She was VERY surprised when I showed her what they look like in the anime/manga and went “wait but those are cute”

All are in agreement that Buggy is the highlight of the entire show so far. “Surprise shithead” and Buggy punching the glass got the biggest laughs of the night.

Do enjoy the action (think the sword fights were the best) and enjoy the sets. They did start to notice a lot of those sets didn’t get a chance to shine because of all the closeups though.

Episode 3 left them kinda cold. Not just because of the flashback, but at the end one friend went “Did this Usopp guy just leave his sickly friend alone in a mansion with 3 murderers just to run *all the way* back to town to ring a bell, even though Luffy and Nami are much closer? What an asshole” So I think on that front the show kinda failed to capture the essentials of Usopp’s character in the abridged timeframe.

One friend also said at the end of the night “This is fun, but it’s not really *about* anything...” He later elaborated that he thought that the episodes we saw were more like a string of Things That Happen, and the character’s actions all seemed to either just exist in a vacuum with no connection to other characters or parts of the plot, or they make choices that don’t make sense unless the characters have read the script.

So yeah, overall my friends unfamiliar with OP said they enjoyed it well enough, certainly had some laughs, but also weren’t in a huge hurry to finish the series. But it’s hard to say if the sentiments they held are common since I haven’t had the chance to talk with many other people talk about it in person. As for me, I’m just kinda letting it digest and waiting to see how I feel about it a few months from now.

Ohh this so interesting!

I share most of that. Specially in ep 2. I absolutely love LA Buggy and it was the best part of the ep but the rest of that ep was so off. It was an exposition episode and i agree the actions of Zoro and Nami were out of the blue, they barely shared any screentime together and suddently they were already so loyal to Luffy just bc. If onlynif was the one thing that actually annoy me, particulary Zoro's development (in ep 3 they madenit right tho) I wasnt sure if it was just me and bc the comparison with the anime or like an actual thing so thank you for that input

The sword fights i love, i really really really do

That read on the den den mushis gave my whiplash but i so get it

Garp and Koby are really interesting to me but bc they are new and i want to see the direction they take, but is mostly curiosity, so that to me is a new way of seeing it too

But mostly your friend is right, im also at ep three and if you strip away all the world building we know from the anime it does feel a bit like a succesion of things happening, but also like a check list of thing that happened in the anime and that must be covered. I get it tho bc run time and all, but its a shame thats the read for a first time watcher that doesnt know about what couldnt be fit in the ep and that helps understand a charecter or a scene better.

#i know it seems i only rant about the show in these asks but actually im really enjoying it #ask #ask: opla

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trillscienceofficer · 2 months

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A long time ago @nebulouscoffee asked me to write the DVD commentary of “Best Left” (which is a Raffi/Seven/B'Elanna fic set between Picard S1 and 2) and now I'm finally doing that.

This is inevitably going to get long because the fic itself is much longer than anything else I've ever posted, and I still have so many feelings for a story I put a lot of effort and heart into! But first things first, here's chapter one.

Cris, I know you’re really busy these days on the Stargazer, so I’ll keep this short.

As I was coming up with ideas for “Best Left”, my main goal was to have Raffi (which I knew would be the POV character) in a very different place than where we see her first on Star Trek: Picard. I wanted her, by this point established, long-distance relationship with Seven be a part of the network in which Raffi is now deeply enmeshed (ie La Sirena's crew). That said though, both canon events (by this time Rios has been made captain) and my plot ideas were not very accommodating of having literally everyone on board the ship. It would've been too unwieldy for a project that was already shaping up to be very ambitious for my standards. But while Jurati and Picard's absence is, I think, not that big of a deal, I still very much wanted to underline Raffi and Cris' friendship, which I think is essential in order to understand Raffi and one of the few relationships she's had that didn't go sour on her. I obviated to his physical absence with both real and imaginary correspondence, from which Raffi could draw strength in difficult moments. The fic both begins and closes with Raffi writing a message to him.

Raffi hits send on the message and looks up only to find Elnor at her side, looking just as morose as he’d been a few days earlier, when she’d told him first about the road trip idea. She sighs internally; the queue to transporter hub number four advances. It’s a busy day on the new Betazed spacedock, but luckily no one among the crowd seems the wiser to a Romulan young adult carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He holds the straps of his bag and his staff with a white-knuckle grip. Raffi hooks her left arm into the crook of Elnor’s right. “What’s the matter?”

Rereading this I remembered how fun it was to write Raffi and Elnor interact. My intention here (and throughout the fic) was to have Raffi obviously care for him while also not losing her somewhat world-weary attitude because of her affection. Raffi is still a woman who analyzes everything around her, and acts accordingly—not to mention all the unacknowledged guilt she carries wrt her son Gabe. I didn't want to have Raffi be straightforwardly ‘maternal’, it didn't feel right and I think older women in fiction should be allowed to have mixed feelings about this role more often. Plus, like Raffi herself realizes later in the fic, Elnor has already had plenty of other women bossing him around all his life, he doesn't need one more.

Soji is at the navigation console, smiling and waving a little awkwardly. And finally, Seven watching them from the captain’s chair, which she occupies with ease, leaning on one armrest. The very image of the roguish pirate captain; Cris wishes he could pull it off this well. “Welcome aboard,” Seven says, the hint of a smirk on her lips, as if she’d just heard every single one of Raffi’s thoughts.

I honestly think Raffi is constantly roasting Cris in her head. Also when rereading I was surprised about this reprise of the idea of mind-reading from the previous dialogue between Raffi and Elnor, that was cool and I can't remember if I even wrote it entirely on purpose. In any case, I wanted to have both Soji and Elnor along for this story because (1) they could offer an interesting outsider perspective on the older women drama about to unfold and (2) I wanted to have them interact with each other and have an adventure that had nothing to do with their specific backstories. Writing Soji in this story was so much fun! It was a nice challenge to balance her characterization between the right amounts of deadpan honesty and genuine care, and making it obvious that she's still figuring out how she wants to live her life.

“I don’t think Cris would forgive me if I tried to take La Sirena into another Borg transwarp conduit,” Soji says. “And honestly I’m not sure the ship can take it.” “It wasn’t particularly pleasant on a Borg cube either,” Seven adds. “As I’m sure Elnor remembers.” “Crashing on the surface was worse,” he replies, and some of the gloom lifts from his face. The effect Seven has on people sometimes—but Raffi should be the last to judge, shouldn’t she? It’s not as if seeing Seven again, sitting on that chair so lazily and yet still projecting intent, isn’t reminding Raffi of the few weeks they’d spent on board La Sirena before. But it’s probably best if she revisits that particular recap reel in private.

I based this little Seven-Elnor interaction from my own feelings about my Cool Aunt, which I think are fitting lmao (ie especially as kid, if she was speaking to me I would immediately feel better no matter what)

Also while rereading I was like, damn I made this first half of the chapter so horny... but I've been in a ldr myself and this is pretty true to my own experience. Reuniting always means a mixture of attraction and awkwardness, and it's what I wanted to convey about Raffi and Seven here, especially since they both have a hard time trusting in people or believing that they're capable of being around people without fucking it up. The following misunderstanding about room assignments is part of this pattern.

She’s re-learning restraint, in the hardest way possible, in other facets of her life.

So here comes the part of this fic I agonized over the most... Raffi's history of substance abuse and her current commitment to sobriety. I thought the latter is what fit better with Raffi's actions on the second half of S1 (ie locking herself out of the replicator) and some scenes of S2—imho those are clues that she (wants to) simply quit. Now, a commitment to complete sobriety (including weed snakeleaf, like in a 12-step program) is not necessarily an effective way to treat addiction long term—actually quite the opposite, from what I could learn from the research I did, even if still the most popular recommended form of treatment today. I'm not entirely sure it would be at all recommended in the 24th century. So how to reconcile this with the hints about Raffi quitting cold-turkey? Is it even something I would want to depict in a good light? What I eventually tried to do is treat the matter strictly from a character perspective. I hinted that Raffi is seeing a counselor, and now feeling part of a network of people, and is now restored to her place in society via Starfleet (from her perspective). Sobriety is something she thinks she should do and can do now, so that's what Raffi did; it's all part of her wider commitment to live a different life. If this also has a whiff of self-punishment... I don't think you'd be entirely wrong. I tried to hint that Raffi has her own thoughts on her addiction but I don't necessarily share them myself (see the disclaimer on top of chapter 4), and those thoughts might be another way in which she's denying herself (because no one else grants it to her either) the compassion I think she deserves. It's a really complex topic and I don't know if I did it justice here. I welcome feedback if you have any.

She’d thought she’d lost any interest in making out, over the years—she was surprised to find out how much Seven enjoys it, and how much of that enjoyment is infectious.

I have this headcanon that Seven really enjoys making out (it's appeared in other fic of mine too, eg “Doing the Unstuck”) and her partners never expect this of her. I think I like the idea that Seven's approach to sex and intimacy is still about the sudden thrill of closeness she displayed when she twirled Chakotay around in order to kiss him lol. I especially like the idea it's one of the things about Seven that's not changed despite all that happened to her since said kiss, and that she could bring Raffi to enjoy making out again as well.

It’s still the same suitcase-shaped contraption that she cobbled together months earlier with Borg parts from the Artifact, as far as Raffi can tell. Some other parts Seven had replicated on La Sirena, and then had proceeded to build the device with surprising ease. She’d explained that it was a modular design she and other friends had come up with over the years. It hadn’t been the first time she’d found herself needing a regenerator without having one handy. Raffi had admired her resourcefulness then, and still does now.

I ranted a lot about Seven's regeneration last summer, and all my thoughts and headcanons ended up in this fic. Regeneration for Seven is now a bit different than what it used to be on Voyager; still a necessity but quicker, and something that doesn't tie her down to bulky machinery any longer. Something that ultimately Seven has more control over. However, it's also a necessity that now needs to be articulated explicitly to the people she's close to, and that other people have to learn to take into account about her. I also wanted Seven to determine clear boundaries around regeneration—eg, here she doesn't want other people around when she regenerates—but boundaries that she is still constantly renegotiating, as it happens in chapter two when she invites Raffi to stay. Seven isn't used to be around people much anymore, so she's still adapting to new realities (like her relationship with Raffi) and rethinking what is comfortable for her.

“I hope your other stops were less frustrating than Trill,” Raffi offers, making her presence known. Soji looks up at her, and her face breaks into a smile. “Oh hey, I didn’t realize you were here, Raffi. But yes, I can honestly say it was the worst one so far. I think, and Agnes agrees, that their academic institutions really opposed the lifting of the synth ban for some reason.”

This little piece of Trill worldbuilding came to be because in “Second Self” Una McCormack wrote that Raffi has taken part in the zhian'tara of a colleague. Which is absolutely bonkers to me!! I couldn't help myself and expand on it a bit, all the while maintaining my stance on Trill being very conservative when it comes to decide on people's personhood. I know it's maybe controversial but I really don't think Trill institutions are that enlightened on the topic. They might think they are, but in presence of someone like Soji the appearance would crumble immediately. I honestly loved revisiting my Trill feelings through Raffi and Soji, I haven't written Dax fic in a very long time, so this was a nice way for me to scratch that itch.

Raffi crosses her legs, raises an eyebrow. She’s reminded all too well of when Soji had first come aboard, the confusion of a young woman whose entire life as she knew it had been a deception. She can recall how Soji described her relationship with Narek, and how Raffi had been the one to name his behavior for what it was. Maybe some pointing out of the obvious is needed here too.

This is one of the things that caught my attention the most when I rewatched S1—Raffi has been looking out for Soji practically from the start, calling out Narek's presence for what it was (abusive). I wanted to let Raffi speak her mind here as well, about the kind of interactions Soji has had while on tour.

A scratchy, stuttering audio signal starts playing from La Sirena’s bridge speakers. ‘—damage. Propulsion systems offline. Atmospheric controls—’ More digital artifacting of the signal. ‘—predict where the subspace eddies will take the ship. I don’t know how long I still have—’ The audio signal cuts off, then the message repeats once again. ‘—damage. Propulsion systems offline. Atmospheric controls—’ “I think that’s all of it,” Soji says, soberly. “Damn,” Raffi says, at a loss. “She’s dying, if not already dead,” Elnor says, voicing what everyone is thinking. He turns to Raffi. “What do we do?”

When she read this chapter, my partner asked me about the use of pronouns for the yet unknown person in distress—here Elnor assumes it's a she, while Raffi and Soji don't. It was actually on purpose, I wanted to hint at the fact that Elnor's default assumption is that the people that do stuff out there in space are women because the Qowat Milat usually speaks in these terms as well. Maybe it's silly, I don't know, but I wrote it in anyway as a subtle wordlbuilding detail. Maybe too subtle if it leads to pronoun confusion.

“I’m not sure I could live with myself if we didn’t try to save the crew of that ship. There’s a chance they might still be alive.” “Then let’s do it,” Raffi says with a curt nod. “You’re in command of La Sirena now.”

In the rescue scene I tried very hard to let Raffi do tactical evaluation in a way that didn't come off as callous as it sometimes does for Worf on TNG or Tuvok on Voyager—she's honestly trying to give Soji, now in command, a good overview of the situation.

Raffi takes a long look at Elnor, and to his credit he looks genuinely curious, hands folded together, leaning with his elbows on his knees. She knows better than to doubt his intentions, but—when he wants, he knows exactly when and how to ask one of his blunt questions for maximum effect, doesn’t he? In this case, distraction. She idly wonders if this is a skill that everyone in the Qowat Milat picks up, along with the assassin training. Using the truth as a finely honed blade, rather than the cudgel it’s always reminded her of.

That the absolute candor tenet of the Qowat Milat may be used in more than one way and for more than one goal is something I already written about before (ie in “Policy of Truth”). I think Raffi has her own different ideas about telling the truth because she's trained in intelligence gathering and also because pursuing the truth has always been painful for her—see her quest to find out who was behind the Mars attack. So here she's surprised to find out that Elnor's honesty is not at all a weakness, which she's assumed so far, but rather a very well-honed skill.

“It is the ship we’re looking for,” Soji confirms, going through the readings with, once again, an ease that belies her actual experiences. “It is still transmitting the distress call, though it’s extremely garbled. The hull is pressurized, somehow, at least partially. Life signs—one, I think. Humanoid. Very faint” She looks at Raffi, eyes wide, and Raffi braces herself. “We have to beam them over. The subspace tug might breach the hull at any time. I know that we have no idea who we’ll find, but they’re dying.” Goddammit. They really should’ve woken Seven up before getting here. Then again, at this point it’s probably best to ask for forgiveness than permission. If they’re all still alive to do so. But they will; a boy assassin, an android with super strength, and Raffi. Risk assessment used to be her job in Starfleet, long ago.

I still really like Raffi thinking 'oh well, too late to go back now, but at least I have backup'. I thought about her characterization a lot while writing this fic, and tried to convey her dry humor at best I can. She's really funny in canon! I really enjoyed writing her constant quips, even if they're just in her head.

Down the stairs, she hears Emil grumble. “I can’t deliver proper emergency care if you rush me.” “You’ll replicate what you need, as you need it,” Soji retorts impatiently. “Just initiate the transport.”

All EMHs are the same.

She’s older now, and out of uniform, looking much worse for wear after what she just went through. But there’d been a time more than twenty years prior when her face had been on every Federation newsfeed, along with the rest of the crew of the USS Voyager. “You know her?” Raffi turns to Soji, frozen in bemusement beside Emil. “I’ve never met her but yes, I know who she is,” Raffi says. “You two stay here and keep an eye on things. Seven needs to see this.”

I really like the way this chapter ends (so much so that it's the quote I chose for the fic summary on AO3). I thought about the idea of generational difference a lot when coming up with this fic, and how Raffi has witnessed so many momentous events, like the return of Voyager, that Elnor and even Soji really have no context for. It's an interesting aspect of having older characters that weren't around in previous shows, and an opportunity for a different perspective that unfortunately I think Star Trek: Picard squandered completely (Una McCormack was more attentive in her novels, luckily). Regardless, Raffi's experience turns out to be an asset more than once in this fic—no one aboard La Sirena at this point is as intimately aware of the events of the Dominion War as she is.

#i did this before but i forgot how i tagged it rip #fic commentary #<- this was the right tag

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coraniaid · 8 months

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Anne is such a well constructed episode. It’s not the best season opener (that’s Bargaining) and it’s not my favorite season opener (probably When She Was Bad), and if you’re feeling cynical you could argue it’s at least partly a pilot for the Angel spin-off series in disguise (since … it is?), but it’s just so well put together and full of so much foreshadowing and symbolism and references to previous episodes. I really like it and I really liked rewatching it, almost more than I was expecting to.

The last time I watched it I remember being annoyed by the fact it didn’t focus entirely on Buffy in LA. I thought the scenes set back in Sunnydale were a distraction from her story: I don’t care about Xander and Cordelia’s relationship and I don’t care about the Scoobies' attempt to stake one very obliging random vampire. And yet, for some reason, this time around I felt a lot better disposed to this half of the episode. I do still think it would have been interesting to have a whole episode away from Buffy’s friends, and that the Sunnydale plotline is a lot less intense than what’s going on in LA. But I think it’s a mistake to conclude the scenes in Sunnydale are a waste of time or don’t do something important.

The juxtaposition between a Buffyless Sunndale and a Buffy who’s stopped being Buffy felt a lot more deliberate this time around, whether that meant cutting directly to Buffy’s dream about Angel after Willow said she wished she knew where she was, or the way the big, noisy crowd at the first day of school hard cuts to Buffy sitting alone in silence in her tiny rented room, or Joyce asking Giles “and who exactly is she?” right before Lily comes back to the diner to ask Buffy for help. And, having set up this pattern, the fact that we never once cut back to Sunnydale while Buffy and Lily are trapped in the hell dimension suddenly feels weirdly claustrophobic, and makes that final jump back to Joyce at home at the end work a lot better than it otherwise would.

I also really really like Lily. As Chanterelle in Lie To Me she wasn’t really given much to do, but Julia Lee is really good here as – not quite a proto-Faith, but another alternate Buffy who’s quietly hinted to have a pretty horrible backstory. That pause after Buffy asks her “what do they call you at home?” speaks volumes, as does the way she assures Buffy she wouldn’t tell anyone about who she is or where to find her because “I know how it is when you’ve got to get lost”, or how quickly she resigns herself to believing they’re in hell later because she “always knew she belonged here”.

And, almost at the same time, she’s also a great comic foil (asking Buffy if she can “come with her” right after agreeing that they should split up, or coming back to apologize to her when she's meant to be getting away "in case we die"). I love that she gets to push Ken off the balcony mid-speech (in fact, I almost think the episode would be stronger if that really was the last we saw of Ken: I’m not sure his reappearance later just to be killed by Buffy herself really adds much). And I love the argument about Rickie’s death (that isn’t really about Rickie) that she has with Buffy: “he didn’t do anything wrong, why would this happen to him?” versus “These things happen all the time. You can’t just close your eyes and hope they’re going to go away.”

I really like the fact that Lily (as Anne Steele) goes on to be a minor character on Angel, but I do wish we’d had some hint that Buffy really had stayed in touch with her after this episode the way she promises she will. Once again I am imploring the Buffy writers, decades after the fact, to please let Buffy have a few more friends.

(Oh, and, look: neither Buffy nor Lily get magically pregnant and die this episode! The possibility doesn’t even come up! Maybe this wasn’t a stealth Angel pilot after all...)

And I've not even touched on the wonderfully unsubtle foreshadowing of Ken’s repeated lines about kids “getting old fast here”, or the way this episode almost acts as a proto-Bargaining (with Willow very clearly taking charge of the group in Buffy’s absence, even taking on the Slayer role in the pre-credits scene), or Oz throwing his stake at a retreating vampire and then ruefully noting that “that just never works” as it bounces harmlessly wide, or just how much everyone in Sunnydale seems to miss Buffy in their own different ways, or Larry insisting this is the football team’s year if only they can “keep discipline, maintain focus and not have quite so many mysterious deaths”. Or that last shot of Buffy back home, and how it’s deliberately framed from her mom's perspective rather than her own.

Honestly, I just think Season 3 is so good and I love it so much (I furiously remind myself, knowing that Dead Man’s Party is up next and will try its best to convince me I’m wrong…)

#btvs #buffy rewatch 2023

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buckyarchives · 1 year

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we’re not really strangers | Sebastian Stan [2.]

summery: a broken and washed up writer keeps showing up in Sebastian life as he struggles with his own loneliness. two people in two different world, but the tug is so intense it begins to eat Sebastian raw. he has to learn to love full heartedly and you need to learn to trust again after you got cheated out of your entire life.

word count: 7.5k

warning: therapy sessions, hints of depression and drug abuse, mentions of suicide. past abusive relationships.

authors note: this is so long i’m sorry. and yes, readers backstory is literally just from big eyes shut up

read on AO3 | masterlist

“So.” the tap of a clicking pen filled the air. “Have you been writing recently?”

“I'm not a writer.”

Grace – your therapist – sighs, absolutely done with your shit. She was right to be. “You've written some of the film industry's greatest movies. Just because the world doesn't know that doesn't mean it's not true.”

You more or less glared at her, not a peep leaving you. It was going to drive Grace crazy, you didn't care. Maybe you did. A frown danced on your face, the one you wore usually. Just more annoyed.

“You don't have to be in denial forever.”

You loathed it when she said that. She noticed that you began to fidget with your hands before you realized yourself. She wrote it down, the sound of the pen dancing over her pad taunted you. You've never been an angry person, but it made you want to scream at her. Be the madwoman people expected of you.

“Yes, I have been writing.”

Grace's face lightened. “Good, anything you want to share.”

Your therapist made you talk about your script and stories in the beginning, a way to open up, she said. It was usually the only thing you'd be comfortable enough to speak about. She’d look way into the stories though, so you stopped. Especially after a suicidal main character got you put on 24-hour watch.

“Just practice.” you sighed, avoiding eye contact. “That one script I wrote a year ago is being filmed right now.”

“Which one?”

Here we go.

“The one about the cannibal luring in women through dating.”

Grace hums, nodding her head. Remembering the story you spoke about to her a while ago, she had read the first draft. “Is being deceived and tricked something you can relate to? Is cannibalism a metaphor for being eaten away by your feelings when you lived in LA?”

Told you.

You want to groan, scream and cry at her. Throwing your head back in annoyance and carding a hand through your hair with a heavy sigh.

“It's not that deep, Grace.” you say, “it's just about the horrors of modern dating as a woman.”

Sometimes you wanted to cry when she made these arbitrary assumptions just to tear you down into being a deeper person than you actually wore. It made you feel like a character of your trauma. Which your writing was the whole point, to make that not true.

Because you are not a character in your story. You never were.

“But do you feel that way? the way Miles treated you–”

“can we not—“ you let out a shaky breath, “I thought we agreed on Voldemort.”

That stupid fucking name. You hated when she called him by his name, it felt borderline criminal and it left a metallic taste in your mouth. Flinching at every stranger you met with a similar name.

Grace sighed for probably the millionth time. You didn't care that she sounded disappointed. “You cannot keep ignoring your past and live in denial and delusions. You have to learn to step out of that comfort zone and face it head-on.”

Denial, denial, denial. That word sure came up a lot.

“You are a writer.” she looked you dead in the eye. “Yet you claim not to be, despite that fact you continue to write scripts and let movies be made and go uncredited even after escaping miles. Living paycheck to paycheck from that small cafe.”

You feel small.

“You haven't even touched any of the money miles–”

“Okay, I get it, I get it.”

You wished she would stop talking sometimes. And sometimes you wished you didn't have to go to these stupid therapy sessions every week just so you could leave the state. Not be locked in a hospital and dancing around like a crazy person.

“I need to stop living in denial, I need to get out of my comfort zone. I get it, but stop lashing out at me.” you repeat her words. And you know she's not lashing out, she's doing her job and you shouldn't hate her for it. But you do.

Grace looks down at her notepad again and you swear to any gods above if she starts writing down some stupid observation you were going to–

Thump.

Your eyes watch as the throws the pad to the side and lean in closer to you, studying you. Okay, this is even worse.

“Where is this movie being filmed?”

Your eyebrow quirked up. “Canada, Toronto.”

“You.” she points her perfectly painted finger toward you. “Are going to take a vacation, go to set, hang out, help out. Maybe – and I highly recommend it – give some advice. And I know your director friends would be more than welcome to that idea.”

“I can’t take off work.” you sigh, frustrated. “And I don't have the money to get a ticket and stay that long.”

“Yes, you do.” she quips back.

Sometimes you also forget she has access to see your funds and other things. Another thing you could technically blame Voldemort from. If you're speaking about the domino effect, at least.

Hesitantly, and maybe just so you could leave, “i'll think about it. Okay?”

And you did, maybe you forced yourself to think about it in the begining. But somewhere along swallowing yourself on your couch, mindlessly serving coffee and sandwiches. Staring blankly at your books and scripts. You kept thinking about it, until you couldn’t stop. Then it bothered you.

Sometimes you go onto Hulu, prime, or wherever your movies ended up. It doesn’t matter, you don't have control over them, never have. And you'd look at the credits page for hours, quite literally losing yourself in time. You wondered if you'd ever be strong enough to try and change it, by the time you snap out of it, you come to the conclusion that you aren't. And even if you were, would you win? Highly doubtful.

Swallowing down your medication as you feel the upcoming panic. You don't have time to deal with this. You glance down at the orange bottle again. No– stop that. Idiot.

Glancing back to the semi-empty calendar nailed to the wall. Your fingers dance along the dates and you sigh. Tuesday is therapy, you close the shop on those days. Since you usually come back home in a daze and are completely unable to function normally. You hated that your trauma and illnesses had that much power over you. Made you feel weak.

It was February 14th. Your fingertip fell on the 3rd and found itself on the next page. Around the third week of March. That's how long they'd be filming. You didn't ask Mimi. She invited you down, you hate when your therapist is right. She said they'd have a party. They always have parties while filming.

You tried to convince yourself of an excuse to stay. The regulars would be mad when they find out the shops are closed for over a week. You'd miss your apartment, which was a ffat-out lie. You've been trying to convince yourself you'd like this place since you moved in. no way that is changing now. You have to do therapy on zoom, then Grace said you wouldn't need to speak to her on vacation. That made you want to go.

“Fuck!” you yelled, not sure why. But you did and slammed a hand on the counter out of pure frustration and defeat. You'd never have control over your thoughts anyways.

You went into your room to pack, cursing yourself the entire time. You were only destroying yourself by going. Scared someone would recognize you. Another lie, Mimi doesn't work with anyone he worked with. Fact.

Cursed yourself when you bought a ticket, made a sign that said closed until further notice, and texted Mimi your arrival time. Your hands shook when you went through TSA and tried to put your suitcase in storage. A nice husband of three helped you and you gave him a nervous smile. You took a Xanax and mellowed out until you landed.

You began to hate yourself when you checked into the hotel Mimi said to go to. Hated yourself as you got dressed and called a cab. Started to loathe yourself and contemplate going home on the ride back and your legs shook when you walked onto set.

And then something really weird happened. You saw Sebastian and you suddenly didn't and that made you hate yourself even more but in an entirely different way. Mimi was excited you came and Lauryn was shocked. You predicted their reactions and got them correct.

You met Daisy and didn't tell her who you were, she made a good noa. You didn't tell her that either, even though you felt like you should have. Sebastian looked excited, confused, and shocked you were here. All of those and also a little happy. You hoped he didn't know.

You were glad they didn’t get Chris Pine.

You lurked the entire day, not wanting to intrude on the creative proess. You knew how frustrating that could be. Mimi was a great director and you were happily watching her.

Sebastian. Oh, Sebastian. You spent an alarming amount of time staring at him instead of reading the book you bought. You thought about how he made you feel when you fell asleep on him, how you felt at ease sleeping in your apartment for the first time (and how you had a panic attack about it in the bathroom before he woke up), how you smiled more than you wished when he convinced you to dance to Lana and Faye Webster. And then you thought about avoiding him the same way you did when he came in the shop that second time.

Because he was a normal man that liked old films, the color pink and space. But to almost everyone else – he was Sebastian Stan.

And that's why you have to stay at arm's length.

But then he startled you with two cups of coffee in his hands, giving you one, and tucked in his armpit was the script. He sat next to you and asked about delivery and attitude, asked for advice and your thought process when you wrote this.

You mentioned it, but Lauryn must have said something.

“He’s lighthearted about it, he is sinister but if you take meaning away he's just goofy.” you explain, and he looked at you so intently and listened to you well, you thought about kissing him, but you knew it was just because he was giving you attention. “These are some scenes you don't want to take him so seriously.”

A part of you wanted to yell at him. Tell him you're not a writer, you didn't write this, why are you asking me? Go ask Lauryn. But that's just what you were used to. You've already crossed a weird unspoken line that both of you acted like it was nothing, because it was. You told yourself.

But you let it be and continued to answer his questions.

You didn’t know Sebastian kept lingering just to make you smile, and that he stayed even after he accomplished his goal.

After fleeing to your hotel room, you took a cold shower and cried. You weren't sure why.

You watched Once Upon a Time, “Hat Tricks.” you smiled watching that episode. You weren’t sure why, you didn't like it.

You started to wonder what fuck was wrong with you when you turned on the Covent and went to bed with your hand in your pants.

ding!

please don’t be Mimi asking to come back to set. please don’t be Mimi asking to come back to set. please don’t be Mimi asking to come back to set.

from Mimi Cave: the cast and crew are having drinks at 8, it’d be great if you came by.

For the past couple of days, you made brief appearances on set, and spent most of the time lingering around Toronto like a ghost. you went to see Tom and Jerry in theaters which was so far the highlight of the week. maybe besides talking to Sebastian but you weren’t ready to admit that to yourself yet.

you needed to socialize with people besides cafe workers. Speaking with people in the film industry was scary. Maybe this was for the better. You can imagine Grace speaking in your ear.

chewing on your cheek, you blink at the message and then another one pops up.

from Lauryn: i know mimi just texted you, but you don’t have to go if you're not comfortable.

from Lauryn: try to come later though. less people then, or tomorrow morning we can get brunch.

you sighed heavily. two sides of the same coin. One danced around you while the other was overbearing. It was a good balance but now it was just annoying. It was probably because Mimi came post-miles and Lauryn was there even before him. they both cared though.

to mimi: i’ll try to stop by! send me the address. thanks for the invite.

to lauryn: it’s fine, i need to get out. i’ll be there

setting your phone down before glancing at the time. It was 7 pm now. you had no rush to get there at 8, you didn’t want to get there then. If anything, you’d do what Lauryn suggested.

you stared at yourself in the mirror for a good 10 minutes before deciding to get ready. pulling yourself together and putting on a dress of sorts. it was red - staying on theme with the movies. you paced the hotel for a little, opened Instagram. your therapist told you to stop doing that. your fingers danced across the search bar in a trance, not even realizing he was on your mind.

[imsebastianstan]

clicking the follow button. maybe this was a bad idea—

imsebastianstan requested to follow you.

that was… quick. he should definitely be wrapping up filming and not on his phone, or social media.

Nonetheless, you clicked accept.

you had no post, no highlights. just a name and profile photo. it was from a party a long time ago, some

people are cropped out. but you already got a new message.

imsebastianstan: are you coming tonight?

fuck. now you can't back out. you typed quickly, told him you were. he offered to pick you up, what a gentleman. you declined. told him you already called an uber and Sebastian said to be safe. it made your chest weirdly warm.

the ride to the house was a more mellow version of the journey to Toronto and set for the first time. same feelings just less physical panicking. which was — better.

it was 9 when you got there. too early for your taste but you were already standing in front of the huge house, tall glass windows with warm lights and groups of people. too many people. and Mimi must have already seen you because she ran outside with Daisy close behind, cheeks already warm from the crisp cold.

“what are you waiting for? it’s cold, get inside!” she waved you over and you forced out a thin-lipped smile and entered the door, shrugging your coat off and putting it aside.

and you went through the motions of the party for the most part. Mimi introduced you, Lauryn looked surprised that you came so early. you gave her a reassuring nod and she went back to speaking with whoever. wondering if she went around telling them about your part in the script like you did Sebastian. you looked for Sebastian, he was flirting with some girl — you looked away pretty quickly and found a love chair to nurse a drink and people-watch.

and then time blurred, voices muffled and rang. the clicking of glasses and laughter played in the background like a television. you wondered why you even came.

“y/n?”

everything came back and Sebastian was standing in front of you. a somewhat worried face, you chose not to think about that too much.

“hey,” you replied plainly.

“Hey back.” Sebastian smiled and you caught your eyes lingering on his lips. He sat down next to you, thighs touching. like they did when he spent the night, should you mention that?

“Are you okay?” he asks and it genuinely takes you offguard. You begin to stare at him blankly, almost confused. You don't remember the last someone asked you that, and then you realize you don't even know the answer. It shocks you for a moment.

And there's something so raw about Sebastian that makes it so hard to cover it all up. Be fake. Lie. be happy, pretend. It scares you and you want him far away, but the feeling and warmth of his thigh lining against your envelopes you and makes you feel whole and secure.

“I’m here.” which isn't a lie, but it’s all you can think to say. “which is good enough.”

Sebastian glanced back to the small crowd. He smiles, but it feels forced. You know the look too well. “that you are.” is all he says for a moment, you just nod and tap a nail on your glass. “But, do you want to be?”

No, yes, I'm not sure, I should be, do you?

“I think so.” you settle on.

“You don't sound so sure.”

“Because I'm not.” you sigh.

Sebastian takes one more glance around, checking each and every person and to his surprise and delight – no one is looking at him. He smiles, it's genuine now and you can't begin to understand what he's thinking. It angers you.

A hand grasps around your drink, sets it down and finds its way back to your wrist. “Let's go somewhere else,” Sebastian says with a tease in your voice and he's already getting up, you follow him with no hesitation.

“Where?” you ask abruptly, but Sebastian is already pulling you into the front room. Slipping his shoes on.

“Which ones yours?” Sebastian completely ignores your question. Sights set on getting the hell out and looking through the coats. “This looks like something you'd wear.”

“What? No! I would never wear that.” you sound offended, defensive. and smacking his hand away from the ugly purple coat and go to find yours.

Sebastian just laughs and it catches you off guard because he sounds so perfect. and he’s looking at you, and you're still and scared. you grab the black trench coat and let him drag you out and away from the party.

because between unspoken glances of growing trust and laughter as he fumbles with the keys to the rental car. you think to follow him anywhere. and maybe it was simply to get away from that party and the intense stares toward the random, weird girl in the corner who looks one inconvenience away from shooting herself. or maybe it simply was just — him.

you decided not to think about it too much.

“Do you like musicals?” Sebastian asks unprompted. He looks giddy and has a haze in his eyes. you wondered briefly if he should be driving.

“I like some.”

The question of where he’s taking you is still heavy in your head but the question doesn't seem to leave your lips.

Sebastian tucks lips beneath his teeth to hold back a wild, mischievous grin threatening to grow. He turns up the radio aux and the all-too-familiar sound of Andrew Garfield breaks out. you laugh loudly and Sebastian should probably be watching the road right now, but he’s not.

“I like this movie,” you say, referring to tick-tick boom. before you can begin your unasked criticism of the movie. Sebastian breaks out in an aggressive song and it startles you.

“don’t panic! don’t jump ship! I can't fight it!” Sebastian is screaming at the top of his lungs, literally. He turns to you in the passenger and points at you with his nose scrunched. He looks quite cute. “ —like taxes!”

“oh my god.” you gawk. Sebastian doesn't stop his one-man performance and all you can do it stare in amusement and chuckle quietly to yourself.

he doesn’t stop— no, no, now he’s encouraging you. but you're shaking your head violently but the growing smile says something different and Sebastian knows it. “come on! please!”

you shake your head no again

Sebastian is making an exaggerated frown face and he looks ridiculous.

“If I sing, will you tell me where we are going!”

The car slows and he’s driving on a straight road with almost no other cars in sight. Sebastian leans into your space, you don’t lean away. looked you dead in the eye and nothing matters.

“If you sing, I will make the next three to four hours the best you’ve ever had,” Sebastian says sincerely and calmly. He's too serious to be joking now. you bite back a smile and his eyes go back to the round.

your hand goes to turn up the volume and… here goes nothing.

“Friends are getting fatter! the hair on your head is getting thinner! feel like a cleanup batter, on a team that ain’t a winner.” you sing-shout and Sebastian looks more than pleased.

“don’t freak out! don’t strike out! can't fight it, like city hall!” he sings the next verse.

and then you do, and then he does. and then Sebastian put on grease, you suggest heathers and you duo seventeen. Sebastian is still driving with a grin on his face and you feel lighter.

your face hurts when the car finally stops, you want to think it’s from singing. but Sebastian knows it’s because you were smiling the entire ride.

“are you going to tell me why we’re at a grocery store?” you ask, blinking at the 24-hour large convenience store.

“I didn’t want to say anything to Mimi, but her car-cuter boards were not doing it for me.'' Sebastian gets out of the door and slams it shut, it makes you flinch slightly. you hoped he doesn't notice, especially as you linger in the passenger seat. He does, he looks back through the windshield and his giddy smile fades.

Sebastian mouths ‘are you coming?’ and you wonder if you should pretend you couldn’t read lips but it would make no difference. exhale, you open up the door and find your place next to him as you walk through the sliding doors.

the bright fluorescent lights hurt your eyes when you walk in, especially the one above the bathroom that is flickering.

“what’s the weirdest food combo you enjoy?” Sebastian asks. his eyes glance around the store eagerly. you know the look, he looks satisfied when he realizes it’s almost empty, aside from the old lady in the fruits second. the teenage worker. and some woman with 5 pregnancy tests in her hands and one pack of mints.

truly the almost midnight shopping experience.

“weirdest? that I enjoy…” you hum, “cottage cheese and Fritos.”

“that so weak!” he teases and it almost tugs out a smile, matching the one on his that reached his eyes and made the blue look brighter. you turn away trying not to stare or drown in them.

“okay, uhhh… sanyang noodle sauce and watermelon.”

Sebastian hums for a moment, thinking. “that might sound good.” he nods, “what about strawberries and mayo?”

your eyebrows furrow, “that sounds like a pregnancy craving? Are you pregnant, Sebastian?”

he laughs and reaches his eyes once again and a weird sense of pride swells in your chest. Sebastian stops in front of the produce and grabs a small thing of strawberries.

“no, but I’m going to make you try it.” he says.

you let out a breathy laugh, a poor excuse for one anyways. Sebastian's eyes linger on your face, waiting for you to smile. you don’t.

“Is this what we are doing? getting weird food combos?”

“if you want to, get whatever — I’ll pay.”

“That's good enough for me.” and say and grab the cubed watermelon in front of you.

and then you separate for a brief period. Each strolling the aisle of the small store, the bright lights still bothered you. for a moment, you could hear Sebastian humming while he stood on the other side of the shelves. you got caught up in it and ended up staring at a bag of hot onion rings.

so much you didn’t realize Sebastian was now next to you.

“you gonna get those? or just stare at them?” he asked, surprising you. you blinked rapidly as you fell back to reality.

as awkward as ever, you faked a laugh and grabbed them. “I’m getting them,” you were glad you actually like these. “just thinking.”

Sebastian hummed. He knew the look of spacing off until you dissociated well. He chose not to tease you for it.

turning towards the man, Sebastian held an entire chocolate cheesecake and cotton candy grapes. In truth, Sebastian didn’t like cotton candy grapes. mostly grabbing them for shits and giggles, but the smile that grew on your face made him even happier for grabbing them.

you quickly bit back the smile, “those are my favorites.”

Sebastian could have guessed.

“So you're saying if a dashingly handsome man offered you cotton candy grapes, you’d end up like noa?” Sebastian teased.

“maybe, not sure if i’d ever date a doctor though.”

“interesting.”

you walked side by side, your steps were the only noise between you two as you headed for the register. self checkout. you offered to pay, because you’re nice. Sebastian refused and said it was payback for the free coffee.

maybe you shouldn’t be looking at him like you are now. eye focused as he casually wore a small smile, the snacks beeped as he scanned them.

It was so stupid, he was doing something so normal and casual. you barely knew him and you were looking at him with love-sick eyes. Because to you, he looked so good, doing something so normal and maybe you should sit down and really think about your next actions. but you don’t, and you continue to stare and Sebastian notices.

“let’s go-“ he looks up to you, stopping his words when he realizes you were already looking. you feel in a trance when he stares back, with the same feeling in his blue orbs. but you barely know him.

you both snap out of it and start to walk back to the car.

The cold Canadian air hits you, sending a breeze through your hair. Sebastian sees you through the corner of his eye, it makes him smile for some reason. He feels young, like a teenager gazing at a crush in the hallway.

“I wonder what would have happened if we met 10-20 years ago.” Sebastian laughs, such a random question to you.

you hum, “I don’t know.”

Sebastian stares at you from across the car, his fingers graze over the handle and you’re cold. but the door is locked. as serious as ever, like his words wouldn’t knock you to your feet, Sebastian says; “I’d probably ask you on a date, I was really cocky back then because of gossip girl.” he laughs.

you gulp, anxiously waiting for him to unlock the door so you could get in and escape his eye contact.

“And I would decline, because I’d be married to someone else.”

Sebastian’s face falls, only for a moment before he forces out a pursed smile. It doesn't look real and maybe Sebastian isn’t that good of an actor in real life. “and you’d be married. I didn’t know you were married.”

“I know. not anymore.” you say. not like you try to hide it from literally everyone you meet now. Sebastian doesn't know though: and it’s refreshing. but now he’s going to ask about it and you prepare for that speech.

Sebastian unlocks the door.

The ride is a lot more silent now, you enjoy it while it lasts and watch the orange dew when Sebastian drives through the tunnel. you forget to ask where you were going until Sebastian stopped in front of an empty park.

“a park? at night?”

“Absolutely.” he says and he looks so sure of himself, grabbing the bags of food and you can’t help but follow him. you don’t even think about it.

it’s unspoken, and a trust that you don’t recognize in yourself. but you silently follow Sebastian's actions, almost till their own and you two move with the same mind and ideas.

and Sebastian brought a blanket because he just so happened to have one in the car. it’s cold but neither of you care. Sebastian laying on his back with his chest rising slowly, your sit crisscrossed and started going through the bag of snacks as Sebastian switched from gazing at the stars and your stone-like features. you’re so beautiful and Sebastian is so smitten.

“okay,” he sits up abruptly, “mayo and strawberries time, come on.”

He had a Cheshire grin on his face as he shook the mayo bottle. you shake your head, “mhm, no. I hate mayo.”

“I’m serious, you have to try it.” he’s smilesto himself as he squeezes the mayo onto the strawberry and you visually recoil.

“no, absolutely not.” you continue to shake your head.

but Sebastian Stan is Sebastian Stan and he flashes that smile and the moons reflect off his eyes and he’s smiling at you. at you.

“one bite and you can ask me any questions you’d like.” he offers, “anything. no boundaries.”

interesting.

“and you have to try the watermelon.”

he smiles because he knows he’s won. “I'll eat the watermelon if I can ask you one big question.”

you know what the question is, but Sebastian is gazing into your eyes like nothing's wrong. no one has hurt you and you feel warm and young. his blue iris takes you over and it cleans your soul, and he is looking at you.

with a quick roll of the eyes, you agree and Sebastian shoves the berry in your mouth. and sometimes you wish you’d listen to your head more than your heart; especially now.

“ew!” you yell, it comes out muffled because Sebastian put the entire berry in your mouth unprompted, stem and all. you fold into yourself as you search for a napkin to spit it out. “I should have never listened to you! oh my god, that was horrible.”

Sebastian breaks out into laughter as he watches your face scrunch up in disgust, he hands you a napkin and you throw the mushy mayo-strawberry to the side.

“Man, I gotta think of a horrible question.” you snark.

“Try me.” he says, testing the waters.

this feels oddly like the first night he met, maybe he shouldn’t be letting you do this. Maybe he’ll say something wrong again. knowing himself, he probably will.

you can’t look at him, you plop down and stare at the stars and hope he follows. Sebastian does.

“Do you actually like being an actor?”

Sebastian’s quick and ready junket or movie premiere answer is on the tip of his tongue and then he realizes. It's an empty park, night and stars shining down on him and he’s alone. alone with you. you're beside him and he can feel your warmth. Sebastian had to think of a new answer, it puzzles him.

he fully thought you’d ask something embarrassing of him. like it’s not already on some podcast or interview. Sometimes he regrets when he says those vulnerable and knowing things about himself. It's like giving a piece of himself to the world. in exchange: he’s not sure.

“Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.” he exhales and it’s the only thing he can think of. “recently though; I’ve been liking it a lot less.”

you hum, so he knows you’re listening and you understand and you urge him to keep going. because the weight in his words makes you feel like it’s been bottled up and he’s letting his thoughts out barely, one by one.

“You know, sometimes it just feels like I’m not me. like I'm made up of things people think of me, and it’s hard to differentiate from that.”

he sighs, his chest feels heavy. “i guess I’m just tired of people picking me apart.”

“amen.” you attempt to joke and it leaves Sebastian off guard. but it’s not bad, he chuckles under his breath and you have a small, tiny smile on your face.

It's silent for a while, but it's okay. It's comforting and domestic and it reminds you of the morning Sebastian slept over. But you also know what’s about to come and you decide to just accept it because Sebastian is already asking the question he did before.

“I’m taking my questions now,” he says. “be honest this time. the real you, what broke you?”

the real you. you would never understand, Sebastian Stan.

you decide to go slow, and asses if you’ve been deceived and are stomping on enemy territory.

“Do you know Mile Franco?” the words come out and you don’t recognize your own voice, you feel dirty and slimy.

Sebastian's confusion shows heavily on his face, even if you can’t see it - you hear it in his words.

“the director? yeah. I auditioned to be in like 3 of his movies.”

you barely realize the words leave your lips until the awkward and painful silence follows after, the words rush out so quick you maybe hope Sebastian doesn't understand you.

“he’s my ex-husband. and he’s stolen every single one of those movies from me.”

your mind flashes to the metal ring that you used to wear with pride. the days you were trapped in those multi-million dollar hollywood houses, for literally weeks. you thought you were being loved as you gave the man your scripts and story and directorial work and talent for free. in exchange for what?: a few suicide attempts, trust issues, a 10 million dollar settlement, and a stolen Oscar for director of the year as the one thing to say “fuck you” to him. even if he had endless awards that should have your name on the plate

“Oh.” is all Sebastian can say and your sure you’ve fucked up. and he’s a secret die hard fan of his and he’s fawned over miles at award shows you should've been to, but you always found out he got invited after the red carpet and it was too late. you watch him accept your awards on the television.

“I met him fresh into film school. I graduated high school early so I was only 17. I had nothing to my name at the time” you exhale a shaky breath. “we were married for 13 years, it took 2 hospital trips for me to leave him. I took him to court for the rights - lost - and got settlement money instead.”

Sebastian feels his mouth go dry when he listens to you. abruptly sitting up, making you flinch as he looks down at you. anger, confusion, disgust, nervousness: you couldn’t tell but his face flared up with emotions as he furrowed his eyebrows.

“so all of his movies… you wrote? like all of them?”

“yes.” it comes out strangled and more like a croak.

Sebastian is processing what that all means to you for, for the film industry and himself. He loved his movie and admired him. Sebastian can only think to joke about it and also make a pathetic, desperate attempt to make you feel better.

“That explains why his movies have been really bad recently.” he scoffs and you actually laugh. Sebastian wants you to feel better.

“I guess.” you sigh. sitting up next to him.

Sebastian always knows how to push everything slightly over the edge and despite how much he’s talking himself from doing that with you. mysterious, mysterious girl. He can’t help himself and he begins to tread in unfamiliar territory.

“you’re divorced, away from him. So why do you continue to write movies and go uncredited?”

you breathe in. ready to give your avoidance-type answer you’d give Grace or change the subject. but Sebastian's looking at you and he looks caring and trusting and he’s not your therapist. you wonder what is wrong with you and if you should run and hide that this will be another Miles.

“I feel like they have this idea that when someone goes through something like I did, they’re supposed to blossom and take control and gain that power back.” you sigh, the continuous trope you see in the media that tire your back: because it’s not you, and you feel like a fraud. “But that’s not me, because I got pushed into that comfortable zone of being in the shadows despite the fact it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I know nothing else.”

Sebastian doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say and for once — the silence makes you uncomfortable. a light-hearted scoff leaves you, “and the reasons you don’t want to be an actor are the reason I don’t want that fame.”

“makes sense.” Sebastian says. he knows deep down that despite the fire brewing in the bottom of his stomach that feels betrayed for you. He doesn't act, you wear your stubbornness on your shoulder and Sebastian knows that no amount of cotton candy grapes will make you have a sudden epiphany tonight.

but he also knows the pent-up emotions of being silenced and talked over, and giving up trying anything else.

“get up.” Sebastian speaks softly, your eyes glance at him.

“What?” The smile on Sebastian's face confused you more. slowly, you rose up and went straight next to him. short-lived when Sebastian grasps your hand and jerks you up an empty field around the park, stumbling over your feet as he guides you to the top of the hill.

“okay, and stand here.” Sebastian still hasn't answered your questions, you were sensing a pattern. but you obey and stand directly next to him. you stare down the hill, you feel taller.

“Sebastian? what are you doing?”

“do you trust me?” he asked plainly, a tease at the end of his words that caused your lip to quirk up slightly. it’s getting too easy for him to do this.

“I barely know you.”

“You know more than most.” Sebastian breathes out and quickly faces the sky again. “Now, breathe.”

you inhale slowly and exhale, your chest rises and you wonder why you trust him. you probably shouldn’t.

“scream,”

“what?”

“scream, scream as loud as you want, scream at the stars, scream at the clouds, scream at the world. just scream until you feel better.”

Sebastian finished and you look and see a solemn smile on his face. “You're crazy.”

“do it.”

you turn to the stars, keep your mouth shut. an invisible latch on it that’s stopped you from this for years - decades. You can’t help but wonder how often Sebastian does this and if his therapist told him to do this. Does he even go to therapy? probably not.

before you can even muster up anything to scream about, a deep and loud yell startles you. Sebastian begins screaming his head off and you're laughing suddenly, you don’t know why but you are.

“Come on.” he encourages, slightly disappointed that you didn’t join straight away. but Sebastian is good at pushing, and you need a lot of it.

“There's something about you, Sebastian Stan” you whisper enough for him to hear, it mixes in with the soft sounds of the wind.

“scream or I’ll cry myself to sleep.” Sebastian deadpans.

“This is manipulation.”

Sebastian just smiles and turns back around and screams, again. loud but you don’t flinch this time. playfully you roll your eyes, gulping down all your anxieties and you really hope the dam doesn't break fully and you end up crying. you scream, loud and shrill but Sebastian hears the pain in it and is proud you're letting at least a little bit of it out.

it died down and faded into belly laughter, Sebastian clutched his stomach and curled into himself. a wide Cheshire grin that matched yours now.

“I hope no one calls the cops on us,” he mentions through waves of laughter.

“Just name drop, we’ll be fine.” you wave him off and don’t notice that he’s staring at you with a glint in his eyes that are highlighted by the stars and moon. He looks gorgeous, only if you could see it. you’d know how love sick he was growing.

Sebastian's laughter subdued and he glanced from you and the large hill. an idea pops into his head and for a moment he wonders if he’s pushing too far, but it is forgotten when he goes to grab your hand.

“Now we roll!” he yells out, a childish grin on his face. you whip your head towards him and his hand that holds yours. he is so warm, you feel a sense of comfort in your chest.

“What?!”

and you’re rolling, Sebastian pulls you down and your face is met with wet grass. but you can’t help but just laugh some more when you find yourself at the bottom and in Sebastian’s arms. you're not bothered by the sudden closeness, you feel you should be.

“you’re a horrible influence, look at my hair!” you point out.

“Your hair looks great.” Sebastian says, one hand on your waist and the other patting any fly away or grass in your hair away.

his eyes glance to your lips, and you notice that. you feel your heart beating faster and you wonder if Sebastian can hear it too. with Sebastian so close, chest to chest, you're sure he can.

“you going to throw me off or…?” you gulp.

Sebastian just shakes his head, his iris glancing at every single detail of your face. “nope.”

“Oh.”

not to be cliche, but the world feels like it’s stopped. the quietest sound of Sebastian thumb grazing against your skin, the wind stops blowing through the grass and leaves and it’s just you and him.

“I hope I'm not misreading the situation…” Sebastian alludes, slowly closing the distance between you two.

“you’re not.” you breath out and barely a second later his lips are on yours.

it’s wrong, everything about this is wrong. you feel the rise of doom in your stomach. but he’s warm and soft against your lips and your heart says something different because it feels so right. he feels like the first drink on a night out, you know tomorrow will be hell but you couldn’t stop yourself because he feels so good.

Sebastian's tongue swipes across your lips and his hands grasp tighter on your hip and back. He flips you over gently, his knee is in between your thighs but it’s not sexual. He kisses you gently and fully, he doesn't tease and takes his time. you feel the grass beside your head and it pricks at your skin, but it doesn't bother you.

a small sound comes from each of your lips, a moan even. it’s not hungry or asking for more, you feel full and content. Sebastian isn’t looking for your body or making this kiss feel like some milestone to be advanced after.

but then he pulls back and you feel empty, it’s so confusing — you hate it.

“was that too much?” he asks, still so giddy and head high from having you against him.

“not at all. thank you.”

a moment of silence, it’s not uncomfortable or ungiving, but you pull away and Sebastian crawls off you. rising to his feet and lending you a hand. you check your phone, it’s late - way late.

“I think I should be getting back.” you sigh, this feels like the end of a movie. reality hits you tomorrow and you feel the high calm down, oh how will you replace it?

Sebastian looks a little disappointed, but he attempts a face for you to not see it. “Okay, I’ll drive you.”

He pulls you by the hand again and for the last time that night, you sit in his passenger seat and continue to listen to whatever’s on the radio. small and meaningless chatter, about movies and television. specifically horror for a while. Sebastian doesn’t like horror which shocks you. but he also makes fun of you for the fact your favorite movie is Rocky and mayday.

you watch him when he smiles and frowns or when he does that thing where he pokes his tongue on the side of his cheek, you deny to yourself that you think it’s hot. warm and orange lights from driving through a tunnel show on his face and your brain instantly thinks you want to make a movie with orange color grading, with Sebastian as the leading man. probably something depressing.

The thought of being in love with Sebastian plagues your mind for a moment, and you wonder if this is what it would feel like.

and you hate the feeling even more when he drops you off at the hotel and you're left alone again with nothing but your thoughts. you long to see him again and it scares you.

the orange bottle in your bag taunts you, you can’t help it. old habits die hard.

#sebastian stan x you #sebastian stan x ofc #seb stan #sebastian stan rpf #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan #sebastian stan x fluff #rpf #actor rpf #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #james bucky barnes #marvel #fresh

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kiwisbell · 2 months

Note

Hi! So I said I would come back and leave more detailed comments about Helen ch.1 and I am a woman of my word SO! Here we are

Firstly, I rewatched John Wick just for this, bc I wanted to be able to pick up on nuances that I may otherwise have forgotten, so I took notes while watching it like the dork I am 😂 What jumped out at me most is how perfectly suited Joel's intensity (both when it comes to love and when it comes to violence) is for a John Wick AU!!! At one point John is described in the movie as "a man of commitment, focus, sheer will" which captures the parallels beautifully to me - and I really love the idea that the same qualities that made Joel a good assassin are also the ones which made him a good husband. There's something simultaneously beautiful and dark about that. I also FELT this description in how Joel's affections were described - he is so tender with his wife throughout. Reacting immediately once he sees she is tearing up, being so obviusly thrilled that she's back and so open about having missed her, liking it when she takes care of his hair. "Devotion" is so apt, and it is the word that comes to the forefront of my brain when I think about them, but I read this chapter and thought "committed to his wife? Check. Focused on his wife? Check. Getting back up after an ambush out of sheer will for his wife? Check". Also in the film, in the note that came with the dog, John's wife wrote "You still need something to love" and if that doesn't simply SCREAM Joel then what does? One of my notes was "Joel absolutely would go scorched earth á la John Wick" 😂 what I'm trying to say is that the way the parallels play out between the fic and the movie is absolutely BRILLIANT!! Also the little remark about him being a "meticulous driver"?? I see you!!!

Secondly, that preface and the bit in italics at the beginning???? You had me nervous with that bc like I said, I knew you were a genius when I first read the description for Helen but that as the intro to the whole fic??? I cannot imagine a more perfect beginning to this story. I will say at first I thought this would go under "parallels btwn the movie and the fic", bc I thought "well in the movie John watches a video of his dead wife, maybe in this fic Joel listens to the voicemail thing she recorded" but now I am not sure if she dies in this fic so I was thinking maybe Joel has to reconcile with her due to hiding his past and she hasn't been answering his calls? 🤔 i am intrigued but clueless. Also "did you get the perfect life Joel?" Is so painful to me bc yeah!!! It seems like he did!!! Leave my man alone he just wanted to love on his wife go away you're making him kill people!!!

Joel "was fourteen when he escaped... He is destined for Hell" and then it's revealed that he has a burn scar from a cigarette from "the people that raised" him... Joel learned Spanish in the Marines??? Do you know how hooked you've got me on Joel's backstory in this??? Do you understand the awesomeness of your own writing??? Do you comprehend that this fic has been like,,,, the ONLY thing in my brain these past few days??? God. I understand why she teared up though, I am quite ready to cry. I will equip myself with many tissue boxes for future chapters.

I know this is already obnoxiously long and I apologise, I am really trying not to take up too much of your time but the details in this are all so great! How the tone and Joel's whole outlook shifts once he sees her, like he goes from scanning his surroundings and thinking about the blade in his jacket lining (SUCH a good, characterising little touch to have that in there, speaks VOLUMES about who he is so efficiently!!!!) to basically only having eyes and focus for her 🥺

Is her croaking "can't breathe, honey" foreshadowing for how him trying to keep her close ends up being what kills her??? I want these two to have a happy ending so bad i am freaking out about this... pls just let this end with them happy and safe and finally getting that puppy. The hole in the painting where the woman's heart should be, though? Doesn't bode well for my hopes...

I want to highlight every piece of dialogue between them and all the touching!! Oh my goodness the way you describe their physicality is pure poetry. I can FEEL the devotion through the screen.

The fact that she not only paints him and the two of them together, but also her inner monologue so clearly sees Joel from an artist's perspective? GAAAAH I AM SO IN LOVE W THIS FIC. Oh also "no tears for me, not until I've earned'em" OH??? Just take my whole heart why don't you then?? "When will you learn that everything is about you" DON'T I am gonna turn feeeral. The fact that this foreshadowed the kid from the gas station later saying that Joel doesn't matter though? Damn that broke my heart. "Joel drags his open mouth up the column of your sternum, its golden pillar, his tongue dipping to taste the nectar that pools in the hollow of your throat. He tastes you instead, and he feels he has not cheated God." UHM???? THIS MIGHT ACTUALLY BE MY FAVOURITE THING EVEEEEER. "Your Joel will die and he will know pain in the way you want him to know love." This sentence + the way she tries to negotiate in order to protect him??? Oh. OH I LOVE HER. And then the threat to her being what makes him get up and fight like hell even though, before that, he was immobilised? HELL. YES. "Your soft cry inverts his ribs, sits heavy and wrong in his chest." + details about men Joel has wanted to kill for his wife but kept himself back from... the thoughts I had bc of this suggest I might need Jesus more than Joel does 😂

"Faith, he thinks now, glaring at the shallow cut on your cheek, is knowing your purpose. The wound is his purpose" what goes on in your brain when you craft a masterpiece like this I am just asking on behalf of us mortals.

I had to google "the black hands of Dürer" and now I am imagining that as a tattoo on Joel and my brain is empty except for that thought. So with that, I leave you and tell you I cannot wait for part 2 🥰

So I've had to migrate to my laptop just to give this ask the respect it fucking DESERVES because??? Oh my god???? This is the most in-depth and insightful and passionate analysis - when you said you were coming back with more thoughts, I did not expect you to rewatch JW let alone take notes. Every single word of this had me giggling and kicking my feet and slapping my hand over my mouth to contain the sheer joy. I am so honoured to have this in my inbox and honestly, I don't think I can do it justice. However, I'm ready to fucking dive in baby let's go!!!

Re: your first point about John/Joel parallels...

My original idea for the entire fic came from a thought I had one day: What if his wife had lived, and she found out about his life as a hitman? And in so many ways, Joel is similar to John, and it makes my heart SING that you noticed this. Joel needing "someone to love" reminds me of his motto that "you find something to fight for." So, of course, part of me wanted to write a John Wick AU because I'm selfishly in love with the films, but most of me thought that Joel Miller would slot into that world so nicely. Your beautiful, poetic point that "the same qualities that made Joel a good assassin are also the ones which made him a good husband" is so astute. I agree completely that those driving traits of commitment, focus, and sheer will absolutely carry over into his personal life with his girl! Scorched-earth is the only way to go, baby!! Those idiots made a biiig mistake.

I also knew that I wouldn't be able (or even want) to follow the film plot point by plot point; there are necessarily lots of things that will be different, but hearing from you that I was able to capture the essence of the film truly is unlike any other compliment I could receive. And as someone who knows bare-bones nothing about cars, I love that you noticed my little reference to John's driving in the movies LOL. Is Joel stunt driving around an empty airstrip or a rainy dock? Nope, he's driving his wife home from the airport!

Re: your second point about the beginning (and your predictions!)...

I obviously cannot say much to your questions and predictions (all of which I LOVE to read, eek!!). You're very right that I wanted a little parallel between the opening of JW/the video of Helen and the call Joel makes which goes to voicemail. You are the OPPOSITE of clueless, my friend. Your observational skills know no bounds.

You're also very clever for having those tissues prepared. I'm not an angst girlie at heart and this has been a whopping challenge for me! But again, fuck, it is so validating and so exciting to know that you want to see more!!

Re: THE REST

It truly stuns me how you're able to notice the little details, and now I'm so happy that I agonized over them! The hole in the painting especially. I think I'm in love with you, helen!anon. Another point you mentioned about Joel in the airport: I love that you recognize how his killer mindset really isn't all that different from his husbandly mindset - we will explore this more in the future!! (AKA I will be giving Joel free therapy and he really should thank me.) But it makes my heart so warm to see you point out how "Devotion" really is at the core of them. And yeah... Joel being murderous definitely makes me feel.... yeah.

Your screaming in the final couple paragraphs is literally ME GEEKING OUT OVER YOU AND THIS MESSAGE. I FUCKING LOVE YOU. And you know (because I love you) that I simply could not write a Joel Miller John Wick AU without reminding us all that yes, Joel does indeed have those tattoos. The hands of Dürer on John's back is my favourite one - it's such a simple piece but it conveys a lot of his history. I thought it was important that reader fixates on these things about him because she has an artist's brain (like you said), and the way she understands his physicality is, in many ways, how she understands all of him.

And... re: your final point about what goes on in my brain... BABY YOU TELL ME. God, I have wanted to write this fic for AGES and now that it's finally happening, I feel extremely privileged and excited that people like you are getting invested the way I did. I particularly love the fact that John's wife's name is Helen, because of course it is. Of course he starts a one-man war when his only living memory of her is destroyed. Of course Joel Miller would do the exact same fucking thing, over a cut on his wife's face. The face that launched a thousand ships, or just one guy who's real mad.

All that to say, I have never been quite so moved by an ask in my life. I truly cannot describe the feeling I had reading this, and I will never, ever forget the lengths you went to to bring me your thoughts. Your observations and your insights and your predictions and your thoughts make me so fucking happy to just exist, non, let alone write this fic. I just.. I love you. Thank you so much for all of this. I'm so, so grateful, and GOD please do not ever think you're being obnoxious. This has genuinely made my entire week.

TL;DR: helen!anon makes me cry (in a really really good way)

#sweet anon #but that doesn't even begin to cover it #kiwisbell answers #fic: helen #this is a very long reply i'm sorry!!#but helen!anon deserves it #i just... wow #crying

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seasaltmemories · 1 year

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Mars Review/Analysis

Mars was a series I had vaguely known about for a while. I've seen the iconic statue kissing scene, the male lead ranked as one of ppl's faves problematic love interests, and even had a mutual who talked about reading the series once a year. However it wasn't until a discussion on the portrayal of sex and other mature topics in shoujo that I figured it might be useful for me to read such a foundational work

Cue me reading the first chapter and breathlessly telling people it alone would count as the one of the best of shoujo. I binged the rest of the 15 volume series in a week, and through so many familiar ups and downs, it still felt like something special.

CW: Suicide, Sexual Abuse, Homophobia, Transphobia

Summary time:

Kira, a shy high school student, lives only for her art. Rei, An arrogant, rebellious and violent playboy, wears his delinquency like a badge of honor. They are exact opposites in every way, but when Kira sees Rei kissing a statue of Mars, she overcomes her fears and asks him to model for her. And, to everyone's surprise, Rei agrees.

On the surface it seems just like a typical good girl/bad boy story, and it is hard to say it isn't, but so much of what makes the story work is the details. Their meet cute is subdued, nothing but an excuse to get them talking again, but as they talk more and more, their chemistry just shines through. I don't know if it just fits my specific tastes, but it really is the stuff of girlhood dreams. Rei has this easy-going charm that is hard to look away from, and you can see Kira start to fall fast and hard despite herself, and by the end of volume 1, they've shared their first kiss and are more or less an item for the rest of the series

It is a pretty fast courtship for most romance stories, but the fact we skip the pining to get straight to an established relationship means we get this sort of easy physical affection that is so refreshing. Frankly I would enjoyed just watching them be absolutely adorable, but as we uncover both their dark pasts, they take on this young, restless "us vs. the world" love I can't resist

I mention before how a lot of Rei's appeal lies in his laid-back nature, rather than brood in a corner, he's outgoing and popular but the same carefree nature means he doesn't put much stock in social convention or consider the consequences his poor impulse control can get him in. It's a much more thought-out portrayal of a "bad boy" even as the dramatic details of his backstory build up. Considering his mother's early death, his estrangement from his father, and the fact he saw his twin brother commit suicide in front of him, it is clear his ease with everything is more bc of a general apathy, even towards his own wellbeing

Kira we learned started the series still recovering from the sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her stepfather, as her relationship develops with Rei, she has to process a lot of trauma she still has surrounding her sexuality. It is clear her introverted, passive nature is not just a means of making her more relatable/easier to project onto, and that the real Kira has only started to come back out of her shell

I'd be lying if I acted like these issues were explored in nuanced, subtle ways, but even through the melodrama there was something real to it all that captured me. Like I usually struggle to latch onto most contemporary romances where the biggest obstacles couples face are their willingness to go ahead an make the first move. But these are real problems that real ppl face, even if it is heavily dramatized, and so their determination to stick together and make a place where they can be happy and safe just tugs at my heartstrings, even the breakneck pacing from one arc to the next, felt true to the whirlwind that is young adulthood. Did Fuyumi Souryo forget a plot thread when Rei's dream of becoming a pro racer fell away from the plot for like ten volumes? Maybe, but in life you're usually not really following a laid out plan and are more trying to survive from one crisis to the next while discovering patches of stability along the way

The melodrama really started to test my limits with the introduction of the antagonist, Masao. In contrast to Rei and Kira's detailed history of violence, Masao's just plain evil and attracted to the both of them for extra "creepiness" It's not just tasteless, it's boring, his entire arc nearly killed my interest in the series

Thankfully he only shows up for one arc in the middle and then briefly at the end to stir up more trouble. He's more bearable in those chapters thanks to the fact he's reflecting how much our main leads has grown, but his existence is painfully utilitarian, which applies to most of the rest of the cast, clearly only existing to highlight our main duo better. This also leads to some transphobia and insensitive portrayals of suicide.

Rei's mother and twin also suffer similar "secretly evil all along" reveals as Masao, which I do think cheapen Rei's struggle. Frankly we don't get enough time to unpack either character's history to really understand them, but even if the narrative doesn't suggest it outright, it is hard to ignore the feeling their deaths aren't so tragic bc of their flaws. Even so, they bothered me less than Masao for some reason. For all her violent tendencies, Rei's mother is still given sympathy that Masao never gets. And even though Sei's suicide note expresses a lot of misanthropy and sadism, to me there were enough lines almost suggesting he feared those tendencies within him and was also struggling in his own way. Perhaps their underdeveloped nature all helps keep either plot point form having to overstay their welcome

And that's the thing, despite all the dark and shocking plot twists I casually mentioned, what really stands out as I look back on the series, is the strong love Rei and Kira share. Going back to the plot summary, what you see is what you get. If you aren't on board with the series after volume 1, then it probably isn't for you. But few pieces of media have ever sold me on two character's love for each other as hard as this did. I mentioned before that I tend to need my media to acknowledge tragedy before I can accept their hope, but even when Mars isn't pulling out its soap opera cliffhangers, I always wanted to see how Rei and Kira would come together to support each other through their next stages of life.

#mars manga #mars #fuyumi soryo #rei kashino #kira aso #my reviews

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glitchy-anime-fan · 1 year

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My Alois Trancy theory/Headcanon that I will stand by no matter what

Here is your preemptive trigger warning for the fallowing; mention/implication of pedophilia/sexual abuse (I’m going to try to keep it as vague as I can but it’s also a huge part of Alois’s backstory), suicide, kidnapping, and death in general. I think that’s all so read at your own risk! You have been warned

I will admit that I am still a Black Butler fan. It’s one of those series I watched in middle school when I was just getting into anime and it one that I usually go back to and reread from time to time.

I wasn’t really a fan of the way season one of the anime ended (since it diverted so much from the manga), and I’m not a huge fan of the Trancy Arc (season 2 of the anime) in general. But I do adore Alois as a character, he is my boy and I refuse to believe he died at the end of the season. In my heart my son is finally free and happy, i don’t care about the anime’s “cannon” (the season isn’t even canon to the manga anyway).

But I digress. I recently started reading the manga again and as I was refreshing my memory of the characters, I had a thought. What if Alois WAS the former earls actual biological son?

I’m sure - given how old the series is - people have already thought of this before, but I don’t care. This is my 1 am theory/headcanon and I need to write it down while it’s fresh in my mind.

So, just a vague recap of Alois incase you are unfamiliar; Alois Trancy, aka Jim Macken, (I will be referring to him as “Alois” for consistency) is an anime exclusive character introduced as an antagonist of the Trancy arc. He is the second named contract holder, contracted to the anime exclusive demon Claude Faustus. Alois is a former orphan boy who, after the death of his entire village including his little brother Luka, is taken by the former Earl Trancy and is subjected to years of pedophilic sexual abuse. Alois is later given the name “Alois Trancy”, is played off as the earls son, inherits the Trancy estate after the earls death, and forms a contract with Claude.

Now that we are all caught up, let’s get into the theory. As I mentioned earlier I strongly believe that Alois is actually the Earls biological son. As part of a made up backstory Alois often tells, he says that he was kidnapped shortly after his birth, causing his mother - the Countess - to kill herself from the grief.

Now it’s unknown if this is “canonically” true. Alois’s presumed uncle Arnold Trancy has his reservations on if Alois is actually related to them by blood. But I think this fake backstory could have actual grounds for being true. Why do I think this? Where am I even going with this post? I’m glad you asked.

First I’m going to explain my version of Alois’s background, and then I’ll quickly explain my main pieces of evidence.

The Background

Here’s how I see the events of Alois’s life playing out before what’s shown in the anime.

Countess Trancy was likely already well aware of her husbands, less than acceptable desires (for a lack of better words), prior to Alois’s birth. It’s possible that at the time it would have been difficult for her to leave the marriage or the house in general for one reason or another, so finding out she was pregnant was likely not ideal. The countess likely would have feared for her child’s safety in the house and made a plan to protect her future child. The “kidnapping” wasn’t really a kidnapping at all, but rather shortly after his birth (likely after the portrait shown in the anime was made/taken), the countess’s plan was put into motion.

I believe this was a “baby was entrusted to a maid who placed him with a commoner family to protect him” type of scenario. The countess handed off baby Alois to a trusted maid who left the baby on the doorstep of a couple from a nearby village (cough cough the Mackens cough cough). The countess them may have actually killed herself as both an out from her husband and as a final way to keep her baby safe.

Alois would then have been raised as Jim Macken, becoming a big brother later on when Luka is born, and is none the wiser to his true identity. Since we never see Mr and Mrs Macken, I could even see one or both of them sharing physical traits with Alois that help pass him as their son; ie blonde hair and/or blue eyes. Or they could have passed it off as recessive traits that skipped a generation.

After this, the rest of his backstory plays out like how it’s explained in the anime.

The evidence

Now I bet you’re where I got this wacky idea from. Well let me share the two big reasons I have; Alois looks incredibly similar to Countess Trancy, and the former earls comment about Alois’s eyes.

If the jury will look to exhibit A. Above I have included an image of Alois (left) and the late Countess Trancy (right). You might have to click for better viewing, but you can already see in similarities. They both share similar platinum blond hair and icy blue eyes. Could this be a coincidence? Sure. Do I necessarily 100% trust the trivia section of the characters wiki? Not really, no. Mainly given the fact that this season is non canonical to the series, I feel like I get a little leeway in this. I mean it’s not like the blonde is fake or anything, given Alois is this shade of blonde as a child.

The former earls brother, Arnold, is also a platinum blonde. The former earl was a sandy blonde, so there’s a lot of blonde floating around the gene pool.

Exhibit B follows off this point, and it’s specifically regarding the reason the former Earl disliked Alois originally; his eyes. It’s explained in the series that, prior to Alois becoming his favourite (🤢), the Earl despised Alois because of his “filthy eyes”. Now what’s a good reason - other then Alois rightfully giving the disgusting excuse for a human being a serious death glare - that the Earl would call them “filthy”? Could it be because they remind him of his late wife’s eyes, who also had light icy blue eyes?

Do you see where I’m going with this?

To me, it’s likely that the Earl hated Alois’s eyes because they reminded him of his late wife’s. Do I think the guy was smart enough to put two and two together? No, not at all. But I think it could be plausible that Earl Trancy could have recognized something in Alois’s eyes that made his detest them for so long.

Of course this then makes Alois’s backstory so much worse and sadder, but hey I don’t control when my 1 am thoughts tell me.

So, yeah. That’s the theory. Thanks for those one you who read always to end! Here’s some tea and cookies ☕️☕️☕️ 🍪🍪🍪

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haro-hawayu · 8 months

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One Piece Live Action

I started One Piece LA thinking that I'll just take 2-3 days to watch it.

I binged the entire series in one day... XD

More semi-organized but mostly unorganized thoughts below~

Prior to watching, I had like medium/medium-high expectations for the LA because the trailers looked quite promising and was reading in various places that Oda praised it too. I still had that little part of me thinking that if it flops, then it's okay because surely it can't be worse than uhh... FMA live action (never saw Netflix Death Note which I heard was really bad so never checked it out)??

First episode exceeded my expectations!! I think by episode 4 I was still convinced I wouldn't finish the entire season and still have some to watch the next day, but before I knew it, I was on the second to last episode already LOL. Epic fail on my end for underestimating both the series and my ability to binge.

Cast: I think the cast is amazing!! Going into the series, I wasn't 100% sure about characters like Nami or Sanji, but wow, they were so great. I loved how the actors took in like the "essence" of the characters and kinda made it into their own instead of going for carbon-copy same-exact-thing as their anime counterparts. I think that would have led to more exaggerated/awkward acting which might have been not so good. Like imagine if Sanji was the same exact version as LA, I think I would've been kinda uncomfortable to watch cuz if the actor failed to pull it off, he might've turned Sanji into kinda sleezy/creepy skirt-chaser (works in anime cuz it's funny but in LA, maybe not so much). I found the amount of "comedic" interactions just perfect for the series. The chemistry between the cast was really great too, especially Luffy-Zoro-Nami, the very first members of Straw Hat crew. There were some minor-ish characters that grew on me really quick too even though initially I was kinda meh about them (i.e. Koby and Helmeppo). Oh, another example of a character that was kinda changed/adapted for the series instead of being mainly comedy relief would be Buggy. I really love how Buggy's portrayed in the LA, I would prob say he's my fave villain in S1 lol.

Story: Story-wise, I found the pacing to be just right, esp for S1 with the initial crew and each of their backstories. The amount of plot they covered felt just right imo, esp with first ep of Luffy wanting to set out while he's on his little raft, meeting Koby and sharing about how he wants to his own wanted poster etc, and then we wrap it up with the final episode of the season where Koby sees Luffy off with his Wanted Poster, and Luffy setting out with his crew on his own boat.

Music: I love the music! I loved that one motif that keeps replaying throughout the episodes. I thought it was the same theme, but I listened to the OST after and noticed a bunch of different tracks with that motif playing. It's quite catchy. I loved the moments where they included "We Are"--I legit teared up hearing it when they were setting off with Merry and the music was playing. I never thought I'd get this emotional over a live action adaptation, but here we are.

CG: The CG was also better than expected. Not over the top. I think I was most concerned about Luffy's abilities, but they were done well. I think things to worry about in the future is how they handle other Devil Fruit users' abilities.

Anyways, I would give it like a... 9-9.5/10. There were some scenes that kinda made me go ???? but those were minor things I guess. One was whenever Garp & Koby played Go and the way they held the Go stones made me kinda cringe. Another moment was the scene of young Zoro and his sensei at Kuina's funeral and they bowed to each other. Young Zoro's bow was appropriate, but the sensei's bow in return was kinda ??? when you bow, you usually don't tilt your head up look up at the other person cuz it's kinda rude, so seeing the sensei do that, it's like giving off the wrong vibe. Just itty bitty things that threw me off.

S1 finished strong, but time will tell how S2 will go. Especially for characters like Brook or Chopper... I imagine them to be CG'd in so that might affect character interactions, and if they're not CG'd in, well I hope it won't be too distracting...

#one piece #one piece live action #live action

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bladeoftruths · 10 months

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ok so while im at it i guess i'll just share my thoughts on ff16's story overall since i have a fair share of yays, nays and other abt it. SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT!

the yays:

- the prologue is still a banger no matter how many times u watch it. it was such a solid opening.

- cid's arc is a banger, even tho im sad that he died halfway thru the story but this is final fantasy. your cid can either live or die so that mid could run, or vice versa.

- jill's arc is my favourite. killing your abuser is ok but again, i have a bias with her.

- i like that they give each of the main cast a time to spend with clive in respective arcs.

- kaiju battles. yes i am a sucker for that. i grew up watching tokusatsu so this is nothing new to me. titan fight is my favourite among all, bahamut second.

- clive and jill's slowburn romance is just AUGHENSKSKDKS I FRICKIN LOVE IT. the mutual pining, the slowburn and the payoff just feels... AUGHHHHHH GRAAAAHHHHH SO EFFING GOOD I CANT DESCRIBE IT IN WORDS *eats a brick everytime i see them hold hands, hug or kiss*

- the worldbuilding is also good especially in the sidequests.

- i like how they portrayed dion and terence's relationship. its not everyday u get to see a well written gay relationship that didnt feel fetishized. we need more of this. also they are both childhood pals to lovers so it hits a soft spot on me.

- the side characters are also loveable in their own right!! enough to be in the top 10 even.

- i think im lowkey glad that they decided to go for an all white/white passing cast for the game bcos god some parts of the game is super fucked up esp wrt the bearers and how the ppl of valisthea treated them. i cannot imagine the sheer backlash yoshiP and his team will get if they have a brown/black/asian character in especially if they are bearers/dominants :')

nays:

- i didnt like how benedikta just comes and goes at the same arc. like i really wish we get to know her more or at least, after she went berserk she could at least be saved so that cid could take her in and we get to know her more. GIVE US A DLC, CBU3!!!

- waloed arc to me is my biggest downer. i want to know more abt waloed. i want to know more about barnabas and how did he get influenced by ultima. the part after jill gives away shiva's power to clive at the shadow coast just... drops and until they arrived at drake's spine it just feels... eh to me. kinda like the idyllshire/hinterlands arc in HW (given that ff16 story is written by the same guy who wrote HW in FFXIV, i am not even surprised).

- i understand that they want to make waloed and origin arc the time where clive and joshua finally gets to bond together but damn i wish they didnt just leave out jill like that in the last two arcs. poor girl, let her fight even tho she can no longer use her eikon power anymore.

- i know i have beef with waloed arc but god, odin fight is so underwhelming. no kaiju battle??? i sleep.

- i want to know more abt the rest of the dominants apart from the rosfield bros!! jill's life before she was sent to rosaria, dion in general, kupka's backstory and his relationship with benedikta, cid in general, benedikta again and again, barnabas. hell, i also wanna know more abt leviathan. GIVE US THE DLC OR FIT IN THEIR LORE IN THE ULTIMANIA!!!

- i think most of us agree that the sidequests were better at telling the worldbuilding and character insight more than the msq itself. the msq focused a little too much on clive over how he and the comrades react to the world around them.

- i think we also agree that we need more characters bantering over each other especially the dominants. im sad that dion didnt get to interact with clive and jill more, nor even we get to see the rosaria trio bantering and reminiscing the good times together at the hideaway.

other thoughts:

- i'm very mixed abt the ending tbh. i like the ambiguity and open endedness a la FF tactics but at the same time WTF??? i was high on copium when i first see thru the ending but now that i looked back my brain is just on hopium. im just gonna cling to the subtle hints that were mentioned in the game where they point out clive, dion and joshua SOMEHOW survived.

- i dont get people saying that ff16 didnt feel like final fantasy... like all FFs are different in its own right?? ff15 is like contemporary modern meets fantasy, ff6 is steampunk fantasy, ff4 is fantasy with airship... the settings are different sure but as long as you have crystals being the core part of the story, as well as anime fights with giant monsters and summons plus its own unique FF-schtick its still a final fantasy.

- i also dont get the hate on 16 for being more game of thrones-ish... like this is not the first FF to have gone this route. you have effing FF tactics being the first one to do that. the only difference is how they present it. i personally feel that 16 deserves the M-rating so much bcos of how technological advances gives you more creative freedom on how u want to tell the story. back in the day you could only work with what u have so yasumi matsuno really had to restrict with how he want to write the story for tactics. also his writing inspired the ff16 writing team a lot if u notice. and while this is not the first final fantasy game to get an M-rating (FFO did it first) it is the first mainline to get one.

overall i think the game isnt bad nor is it perfect. it manages to hit the right spot but at the same time i have my fair share of nitpicks. i just hope that it makes enough sales on ps5 and wait for the announcement of a pc release bcos god i would still love to play this game even if i probably suck at action rpg games.

----

omake: my favourites among the cast overall:

boys (top 5):

- dion, clive, cid, joshua, gav (bonus: byron)

girls (top 5):

- jill, mid, tarja, martha, isabelle 'the dame' (im so sorry benedikta u deserved better :'))

all (top 5)

- jill, dion, clive, cid, joshua

i have a soft spot for jill bcos she is very much reminded me of ysayle and im weak to ice coded ladies, and dion is just aymeric but a dragoon and bahamut fucker. i know what u did there CBU3

and this comes to no surprise but i fucking love clive/jill. i am weak to childhood pals to lovers with a mix of mutual pining and angsty slowburn romance, and they just hit the right spot for me. im so glad they managed to pull off an adult slowburn romance for them so well auuughhhhhh

#ren rambles stuff #ff16 #ff16 spoilers #ffxvi #someone pls put me back to sleep #this is just one girl's thoughts pls be nice to me

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gardenofsinners · 1 year

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mahoyo! spoilers under the cut

tldr, mahoyo is really really good. if you’re a fan of any of type moon’s works, you’ll enjoy it immensely. buy it NOW.

i’ll preface this with my thoughts on the more broader aspects that appeal to Me As A Reader, before i go into the story. the overall translation felt really good. it was completely in line with the lingo i’m aware of from type moon’s usual works, and they did a really good job actually skirting around honorifics (and the dreaded Big Sis translation). obviously many words can be said about Sizuki and Yamasiro, but that’s beside the point.

the big issue is really with proofreading. there’s a lot of typos and other issues, which i’ll say is a result of the simultaneous release and a rushed schedule. i think these are easily fixed, but i dont think it ruins the overall experience that much. that being said:

i enjoyed it! while not my favorite due to its overall lighter tone, it still set out what it Wanted To Do. mahoyo was nasu’s first work, and he used it to get into the heart of his universe: mages. does it do a good job at this? id say Yeah. i think that it gets a little overzealous with explanations, but thats why soujyuro’s there. it explains the things you Need to know, and allows you to get yourself into the world.

on soujyuro, the characters are honestly some of nasu’s best just in terms of charm. every side character makes themself really visible despite the small cast, and it leads to you really enjoying the plethora of side moments the story gives you inbetween the main points. the one about soujyuro possibly working at a scam job is probably my favorite, just because of how it culminates all those characters into one scenario, and it ends on a really good note too there.

aoko as a protagonist is a joy. i’m always a sucker for Mean Women, and her character is really interesting after reading tsukihime, where she’s only caring to the one person in front of her. hell, even in her melty blood story modes, she’s still a little mean but in the way that’s kind at first glance. seeing her be Unabashedly An Asshole, especially when touko’s existence and personality stayed pretty much the same 9 years later in kara no kyoukai. the fact that you get to visibly see some of that kindness of dealing with soujyuro begin here to finally get to the end point of tsukihime is so cool, and really shows that nasu put care into that aspect.

alice was also a surprise favorite. her abilities are rad as hell (though, im still a little confused at aoko having called them Magic.) and the reveal at the end was such a big surprise i dont even wanna say it just in case someone’s reading this and Hasn’t Read It. her and aoko in the aquarium was a really good scene as well (insert joke about yuri aquariums) and her friendship with aoko is so fun to watch considering their Weird Circumstance Of Being Mages Who Will Kill Eachother. it ends up for a really enjoyable dichotomy and i like her a lot. Transgender i think

soujyuo. i dont know why i thought i wouldn’t be too interested in him but he grew on me FAST. his cute little expressions and his super upbeat personality led to him being Really Fucking Good. i’m super interested in his backstory as well, his life in the mountains being taken away after his father(?) died and soujyuro asked about why they were there. knowing how he’s a precursor to all of the other tm protagonists makes me think he was being trained in demon hunting or otherwise a la the nanaya, which would be a very interesting backstory for him.

on the lore side, i can’t say much due to how much i knew going in. however, seeing The Counter Force be against true magic makes sense and was cool for me to connect the dots on, even if the novel itself doesnt follow up on it and you’re just supposed to Know if you’ve read or will read stay night. its fun. i mentioned it before but it was a little funny to have alice cut off aoko before she could talk about all the true magics in detail. we will never know anything about the first or fourth.

it’s pacing felt a little fast. i really did want to spend more time with these characters and it felt like it ended fairly quickly at the end. i think the action doesnt rise as much as it could. i think that may also be an issue of Knowing Touko And Aoko Get Out Fine At The End, which i did get pretty worried for soujyuro at the end there but in a twist that was actually pretty out of left field for how i know nasus stories going, the whole kuonji estate gets to stick together after the fact. overall i think i still enjoy knk and tsukihime over it, but i think it has a broader appeal.

as a final note, koyama’s art style is an absolute wonder to look at. the personality he puts into his artwork is really strong, and all the expressions and such were absolutely amazing. its hard for me to say whether i prefer his art to the combination work him and takeuchi do for kagetsu tohya onward, it’s a nice change of pace. the backgrounds especially had me constantly in awe, especially the sweeping shots of misaki’s hills, it was incredible to look at every second of the way.

really, all i can say is type-moon is amazing as usual. and i really, really cant wait for not only red garden, but any future vns they put out (obviously the mahoyo trilogy, but… i do wanna see some new ips from nasu. it’s been since technically fate since we’ve gotten a whole new cast of characters from him)

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onedirecton · 2 years

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naruto season 5, 6, 7, 8 & 9 ramblings + thoughts about shippuden

SUCH. A. GOOD SEASON. HOLY SHIT.

Like boohoo Sasuke got kidnapped or he willingly left whatever BUT my favourite thing about it was how each one of the ninjas squared off with the sound ninjas like that was so cool ahhh

I loved all of their battle episodes so much gjkfdjgldf

Also when DRUNK ROCK LEE fought Kimimaro that was so funny and good omg

Back to Sasuke's though: I do think he is a bit annoying lmao I'm sorry but his backstory is so sad crying throwing up

But wow, that battle between Sasuke and Naruto. Poetic cinema. Chidorgi v.s Rasengan. Happy Pride etc.

Season 6

This season is basically a filler season since the episodes have nothing to do with Naruto finding Sasuke etc however, I still loved watching a lot of the stories. I genuinely really liked seeing all the other ninjas get some more screen time because I love them all sodjsidjjs

My favourite one is the one where Shino, Hinata, Neji & Naruto head out to find that really specific scent-tracking insect so they can use it to find Sasuke. I absolutely loved this storyline because Hinata got some character development and she actually took action for once lmaooo I also just love Shino and Neji in general they’re so cool I just think they’re NEAT sodjsidjdjjs also the way they went through so much to get that one bug only for Naruto to just ruin the mission with a fart was so ?&?!!!????!? like I laughed so much and I just know that 9 year old me would have loved this too

Also, I think liked that storyline a lot because Neji and Shino are two of my fav characters! Did I mention that I think they’re neat?

The Raiga Kurosuki and Ranmaru storyline was honestly quite sad….like bro…. the storylines/plots of characters admitting that they just exist to be of service to other characters because being connected to them is the only way they see worth in themselves is so….so…..hang on…who else cried slsksijdjs it’s just a reoccurring theme in this entire show and Naruto is almost always the one who goes ‘you can’t live for other people. You have to live for you 🧡’ like….so true king so true and then he’s like ‘I’m your friend now. I don’t make the rules. Let’s live our best lives!’ and I absolutely love Naruto for that 🧡

Season 7

Also just filler episodes lmao

'Laughing Shino' is definitely one of my favorite filler episodes because it's just so silly.

Tbh I did watch a good chunk of this season but I don't really recall anything super memorable aside from the episode I mentioned above.

Season 8

I just went through my netflix history and I literally didn't watch an episode entirely or I just skipped it fkdjsfkljds

Again, all just fillers

None of them seemed very appealing to me but maybe I'll go back and give a few episodes a chance <3

Season 9

I'm so glad this season was really short. The entire thing was basically a filler except for the last episode I think. I thought Gaara was involved in all of them but he was only really there for the last 5, so I ended up skipping the first half dfjksdlfds

I ADORED the fact that the entire ninja crew went on this mission and I loved that we got to see them work together (except TENTEN fkjdskfjlkds she didn't go and I honestly didn't realize until the very end when she was beating Lee up for not inviting her fjsdlkfjds) Tenten I am so sorry for not noticing that you were gone

Anyway, that filler was very entertaining and I was just soooo happy to see Gaara, Temari and Kankuro together. My most beloved siblings <3

Like the 'villain' was an awful guy but you could just tell this guy was not going to win hahaha

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE WAS JUST *chef kisses*????? So in season 5, the Sand Siblings came to help the gang when they went after Sasuke to try and get him back. In season 5, each Sand sibling helped one of the Leaf Ninjas like Temari helped Shikarmu (teehee), Gaara helped Lee & I think Kankurō helped Kiba. Anyway in the last season, it was the Sand Siblings fighting these bad guys individually and when the Leaf Ninjas came to help, the way they split up mirrored the way they helped each other out in season 5 (like again it was Temari and Shikarmu paired off etc). Poetic cinema, the perfect way to end the series. I hope that made sense but it’s late and my head hurts kddjkdjdw

Shippuden Thoughts/Expectations

I know Sasuke and Naruto will eventually meet again, so I cannot wait to see that

OUTFIT CHANGES. PLEASE. HELLO PLEASE

Romance....perhaps? Like I personally don't get too invested in ships, but Temari and Shikamaru have mad chemistry so if tHEY DON'T GKFJDSGKLJDFKGJDFL

I feel like there will be more '''villains' in this season and I just hope they are COOL and not INSUFFERABLE like Kabuto. If I see him again, I'm throwing hands on SIGHT because I can't stand him

Super excited to know more about the mysterious Itachi and his crew!!! I have already forgotten what they're called, but they are very cool to me <3

Basically, I am eager to see how all of the kid's powers have developed during over the years and I am rooting for all of them <3

Thank you for coming on this journey with me dkjfieowjfe

#naruto ramblings #also I’m sorry that this is the most incoherent thing EVER #Shippuden when #who knows maybe next week actually

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hwiyoungies · 4 months

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(hi!! I was pretty busy but I’m finally on vacation and came to my home country to visit my family last week!! hope you’re doing well<3)

Fr, I feel awkward when that happens bc I never know if I should be the one switching languages or waiting for the other person to do so, but I might change between both bc atp I’m just as bad talking in both JAJAJAJA pero no me sale el video:’) I’ve tried to click it but I think the link is missing lol

Okay idk if these are the flashbacks you were referring to, but now when I was finishing skypeia arc (my favorite so far!!) I did skip the whole Nolan backstory 😂😭 I’m sorry but I really needed to see Luffy go kick that electric ass ://

There’s more we can learn about the crew’s past?? That I don’t mind JAJAJA (es que si es lindo<3 him and Iñaki are so precious) so far I only know Sanji said he’s from the North Blue👀

NO WAY??? I mean I can see it if these episodes aired during 2001 but that’s not the reason I was expecting for Pell’s miraculous survival JAJAJ

SHUT UP IM DOWN BAD FOR HIM!!!!! Skypeia Zoro is everything to me I swear, he didn’t give a sh*t for that god act and he cared so much for everyone in the crew :c oh and I’m watching it in japanese!! I don’t really like watching anime dubbed lol Y SI BIEN LINDO JAJAJAJA I need more Luffy singing moments<3

OKAY I might reach it then bc I’m on the Enies Lobby arc rn (which is so freaking cool abilities-wise bc damn todos han tenido un upgrade increíble + el plot está tenso y emocionante JAJAJ) AND HELLO?? SANJI’S LEG JUST CAUGHT FIRE?? ZORO SUMMONED A FREAKING DEMON SPIRIT?? LUFFY HAS TWO NEW ABILITIES ON HIS SLEEVES??? (metaphorically at least lol) but yeah idk how much I’ll be able to watch while I’m home BUT I really want to know how this ends JAJAJAJ (y gracias por no dar spoilers<3 veremos como nos va con el timeskip JAJAJ)

Oh no you’re totally right, if it was zombie that would be a cry for help LOL when I heard the song for the first time, although I did like it, it felt too heavy for me if I were to listen to it on my bad days:’)

OH ALSO I GOT THAT THIRD PIERCING JAJAJAJAJ

have fun on vacation!! love that you were able to visit your home country too <333

(me dí cuenta q el video no estaba cuando se lo quería mostrar a una amiga y dije ay jesú la tecnología me ganó AAJJAJA) but it honestly was just dumb it was a video fo ace singing propuesta indecente to sanji and zoro being like i Will kick your ass it just had me giggling so much LMAO

those are exactly the flashbacks i'm refering to LMAO if you thought nolan's was bad...... i am so sorry they're gonna get worse LDSGKHL much love to those characters tho nolan's story was very fun i just did not care. and yeah there's more you're gonna learn about the crew, sanji being from the north blue is a huge huge hint tbh i honestly can't wait for you to get there

skypiea zoro truly is top tier 10/10 can you believe there's people that say you can skip thsi arc like are you stupid. and nice i can't watch things dubbed either unless they're things i watched dubbed as a kid LMAO otherwise i'm like what the Hell is going on man

ennies lobby is SO GOOOOOOOD they all go insane like we can see how much they've grown and just everything about that arc is so good, i'm usually not a big fan of the fights because they uuuuh pq las prolongan mucho AJJAAJ (se me olvidó el inglés) but the fights in ennies lobby? amazing 10/10 kaku i don't care that you're a bad guy i love you please be good man

AJAJAJAJ AMOOOOOO next time i'm about and about with my friends i will most likely get it as well because who am i kidding i don't have any self control LMAO

#asks #op anon #pásalo bien con tu familia en las fiestaaaaaaas <333

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adventureofthedancinggirl · 7 months

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Thoughts on Ch. 400 that no one asked for

I wasn't planning on posting my thoughts publicly because I don't feel like getting caught up in a bunch of fandom discourse but I have thoughts™. Spoilers and a disorganized brain dump of my thoughts below the cut.

Well, first off...hi, Hagakure. I mean, we all knew her becoming fully visible was inevitable and I like the concept of her being able to control her quirk in the future but the opening panel of this chapter was just super frustrating. Like, yes. We get it. Her hero "costume" is just being nude all the time because of her quirk. But seriously...she's 16. Can we skip the creepy fan service? It's obviously possible to cover her up and still imply that she doesn't have clothes on. Geez.

Other than that, I did like her and Aoyama's exchange - the way she realized that his quirk evolved, his plan to combine their quirks again to save everyone, her asking if he's okay because she knows his quirk hurts him, then the way Aoyama says that this is his last day as a UA student...like he's not expecting to survive this

But then instead of letting them have their moment of being heroes and saving everyone, we cut back to armored All Might and I'm just...bored.

I knew it wouldn't happen because of how spread out everyone is across the many battlefields and also because a lot of the kids are already down for the count but I would have liked AM's use of the laser at the end of the previous chapter to parallel Aoyama's intended "sacrifice" in the licensing exam when everyone saw it and came together to work as a team. But nope, no call to action, no big hero team up. And no, the fact that he's calling out the kids' quirks does not count. Almost all of them have been "blink and you'll miss it" appearances and others (like the invisible girl heat-resistant resin) don't even make sense.

Then there's panels with the random foreign civilians watching All Might's fight. First of all...La Brava was able to get this to stream world-wide? I guess that's kind of impressive, but...why? I mean, sure, we get some social commentary on how people are self-centered and don't care about things that they think don't affect them but is this random kid watching going to have some kind of wider symbolism in the story? Personally I think it would have made more sense if they had shown viewers in Japan who know what's going on and who are rooting for him, like back in the previous AM vs. AFO fight in Kamino.

Oh...glowing baby...I'm not even going to bother theorizing whether he stole the glowing baby's quirk or if he IS the glowing baby because I don't really care. Just let him rewind out of existence already. Unless...if he is the glowing baby and he rewinds out of existence, maybe all quirks will also disappear? At this point nothing would surprise me.

Yup. Stain's here. That's not a surprise. At least something is actually happening but I get the feeling we're going to spend way too much time on some kind of flashback to whatever he and All Might talked about when he met. Probably some backstory on what shaped his warped ideals, which in theory might be interesting but I don't think it's necessary and it would drag the pacing even more than it's already been dragged. Please don't try to give him a redemption arc.

So anyway, I went back and double checked 5 freaking chapters of this mech suit nonsense to be sure but yes, the Class 1-A quirk countdown just has 1 person left.

So I guess Bakugou's waking up soon. I'm hoping for something with the vestige world because it was hinted at way back in 362. We'll see how much longer it takes us to get there. It would make the most sense to cut to him at the very end of the next chapter but who even knows anymore.

#dancing girl's bnha thoughts #bnha spoilers #bnha 400 #kacchan countdown #bnha

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amtrak12 · 1 year

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Lucifer Rewatch Liveblog: Ep 1.01

Oh god the NERVES I have over doing this. It’s so stupid. Anyway before hitting play, let’s give a little backstory about how I stumbled ass-backwards into watching Lucifer.

It was September 2021 and the sixth and final season was about to drop on Netflix. Both my spouse and my mother were rewatching the series in preparation of this and both had reached S3 when we were visiting my parents for my mom’s birthday. So Lucifer became the de facto show playing in the background of the visit. All I knew about the show going in was a) it was about the Devil, b) he ran a nightclub in LA, and c) it had at one point been canceled by a traditional network and then ‘saved’ by Netflix. Oh and d) I had absolutely no interest in ever watching it.

But circumstances change don’t they? Because between the time that I first heard about Lucifer and the time when it was playing in front of my face while I visited with my family, the following events happened:

the COVID-19 pandemic swept through the world

Anxiety and depression set in making new shows feel like too much work to watch

both my spouse and I rewatched old favorites instead

I got a shih tzu puppy which confined me to the living room for months until she was fully potty trained.

Now, for my spouse, these go to TV rewatches included The Originals and Frasier. And friends, I got hooked on both. Two shows I never had any interest in watching. Two shows my spouse played in the living room so we could still be in the same room while I raised a puppy. TWO SHOWS I GOT FUCKING HOOKED ON AND HAD TO WATCH ALL THE WAY THROUGH TO THE END.

So of course the same thing happened when they played Lucifer right in front of my face. And like The Originals and Frasier, I merely picked up where my spouse was in the rewatch and refused to go backwards. ‘You should really watch it from the beginning--’ NOPE! We’re starting here. Just fill me in on backstory when it’s relevant.

Which is how my first experience with Lucifer was scattered S3 episodes and then S4-6 straight through. I loved it! It was fab! But it was months before I got the itch to go back and watch S1-2 and when I did oh boy.... OH BOY.

Well, I’ll share those thoughts live. :P

*hits play on the pilot*

OMG this little text intro they do during S1 is so trying to be edgy but is instead just cheesy.

I hate this opening scene. I mean I understand it. It does it’s job. Lucifer hates rules but enjoys punishing people! He can pull out people’s desires! Cops aren’t here to protect anyone! Just take money from the rich and terrorize the rest! Oh wait they probably didn’t mean that last one.

Weird move then to open with a dirty cop in a cop propaganda show

I am too asexual for this show in general but I’m especially too asexual for S1

I do love how Amenadiel is nearly always introduced in S1 with time slowing down. It’s a fucking awesome power! Shame he stopped using it.

Though I cannot take early Amenadiel seriously because he is so I’m Super Serious and I have seen S4-6 okay? This version of Amenadiel is a total hilarious lie.

I do love Delilah. Also I lose my mind every time that like 8 minutes into the pilot, they foreshadow the show’s end game of Lucifer helping the souls trapped in Hell to confront their guilt when he calls in his favor with Delilah to tell her to get her life together. It means nothing with the pilot alone, but when boosted by the next six seasons, it becomes a nugget of gold.

And RIP Delilah :( You should absolutely not think about how the poor thing was definitely stuck in Hell until Lucifer had his series finale revelation. :( Definitely don’t think about that.

Cool trick to pull back a very recently deceased soul to talk to it. I understand why that never really happened again (because he wasn’t usually there when future murder victims died) but since I’m a sucker for all kinds of ghost/afterlife stories, I kind of wish it had been utilized again.

~Ooo~ narrative mystery. What’s Palmetto Street????? What’s the deal with these two cops????? I wouldn’t actually care if this was my first experience with the show. Oops.

Now, they did not show that Lucifer’s supernatural charisma draws everyone to him before introducing Chloe but that’s okay. It’s the pilot. In general, they’re doing well with the plot and characters.

And by well, I mean I only like S1 because it’s hysterical after knowing where they all end up. Don’t get me wrong! I completely agree that this is the cast’s starting places. But who they all are before meeting each other and growing together is repulsive to me so in that sense S1 is terrible.

Ooph the anti-black racism in this scene with 2 Vile. I mean it goes hand in hand with cop propaganda but WOW. The rap bashing and pretending that liking blues music means you’re not racist. Wow.

I do love Chloe’s backstory of being an actress who had a nude scene in a movie because that’s the kind of thing that is so far outside my lived experience that I never would’ve thought of that for a character in a million years. But it works absurdly well in the context of this show. So kudos to the writers there.

Okay now we’re starting with the real Lucifer and Chloe banter that we know and love. I had nothing to say during their intro scene because I kept seeing all the fanvids who splice it with the series finale callback to it but here’s the actual good stuff.

“I just threatened his life. He would’ve said, trust me.” *long blink of disbelief* “You did what?” -- Oh Chloe you have no idea what a headache the next six years are going to be for you. (And also the rest of your life because I met Rory, okay. That girl is not going to be easy to raise. Trixie is your easy child.)

“Yeah, isn’t that illegal?” -- “Uh, little bit, yeah.” Finally! Chloe has an excuse to arrest Lucifer for being an ass!

Which lasts all of 0.2 seconds because Lucifer can get out of handcuffs. Which Chloe for some reason was not expecting.

Like I know through internet osmosis that sex handcuffs and police handcuffs are two different things, but c’mon Chloe. Does this not strike you as the kind of guy who would experiment with police handcuffs too? Even not believing that he’s the Devil, I feel like you should’ve seen that one coming.

Ah here we go! The mojo demonstration again... that utterly falls flat because Chloe is a gift from God.

(Oops! Spoilers! :P)

Heh heh heh. That may be the first time Lucifer forgets Chloe is a trained actress and falls for her playing him, but it won’t be the last! lol

TRIXIE! TRIXIE! TRIXIE! TRIXIE!

Lucifer calling picking up her daughter an ‘errand’ is like the 4th time Chloe pictured herself shooting him.

LOOK AT HER TWO FRONT TEETH MISSING!!! *sobs* SHE’S SO ADORABLE!

Why is this fifth grader bullying a first grader? I just feel like fifth graders have better things to do like pick on each other in preparation for the ruthless ‘every child for themselves’ warzone that is sixth grade.

Poor Trixie sticking her fingers in her ears while her parents fight :(

Dan really does earn his douche title in S1. RIP Dan.

The cynical part of me that’s bought into purity culture is dismissing Lucifer defending Chloe as dumb hetero ‘This is the couple you’re supposed to ship!’ nonsense, but the rest of me that’s remembering it’s okay to like boy-led shows and junk food can actually analyze it and see that this is just him keying into behavior that isn’t justified and therefore should be punished. It’s not special to Chloe just yet. He does already like her. He is already intrigued by her, and he’s even already slightly charmed by her daughter. But he genuinely cared about Delilah too and wanted to see her turn her life around. The whole pilot is driven by him wanting to punish those that took that opportunity away from her, and I really like that. Again, it’s set up for the S6 end game of saving the souls in Hell.

“Isn’t he funny, Daddy?” followed swiftly by asking Chloe “What’s a hooker?” is some dichotomy. LOL

Oh, Chloe. Just wait until Trixie befriends Maze. ;)

(Just wait until Dan meets Maze ROTFL Okay I will definitely have to keep liveblogging so I can rewatch that ep. OMG it’s hysterical.)

“Daddy will tell you. :)” Oh this separation is not going well. I mean that’s been pretty obvious from every scene that Chloe and Dan have shared so far, but that line really cements that. lol

Chloe and Dan both being different shades of shocked that Trixie likes Lucifer is fab. Chloe is just ‘huh’ about it and Dan is like ‘I want to kill this guy so bad’ x2.

OH I LOVE THIS EXCHANGE OUTSIDE OF LINDA’S OFFICE!

“Planned... sort of.” -- Dude you can’t say that kind of shit to me. I wouldn’t ordinarily care, but this show is already bonkers so now I want the gossip. The full story. What do you mean by ‘sort of’ in this sentence? I *will* pry.

“Did my father send you?” -- !!!!!! NOPE! DEFINITELY DIDN’T! DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! CHLOE IS DEFINITELY NOT A GIFT FROM GOD!

(Did the writers know already? I mean, presumably they did if they’re dropping giant anvils like that. But writers also sometimes write characteristics like ‘is immune to Lucifer’s desire power’ without having the explanation ready to go in the pilot because it gives them freedom to flesh things out later. But this really feels like they had that explanation formed from the beginning.)

LINDA! LINDA! LINDA! LINDA!

I’m excited for her. I am not excited for this scene. This scene where Linda nearly jumps Lucifer is where I would’ve walked out on the pilot episode. If you had even convinced me to sit through more than that intro scene, that is. This pilot and I are very different people who live very different lives :S

However, it is hilarious in retrospect. Utterly ridiculous LOL

“Oh no he’s horrible! So square jawed, so handsome, so vanilla” -- THEN WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME SUFFER THROUGH CHLOE AND CAIN IN S3! YOU COULD’VE STOPPED IT, LUCIFER! YOU COULD’VE SAVED US ALLLLLL THAT PAIN!

I mean it wouldn’t have made the Devil revelation any less shocking to Chloe and so S4 would mostly be unchanged BUT STILL! MY EYEBALLS! PLEASE THINK OF MY EYEBALLS!!!

Lucifer really doesn’t understand how a movie set works, does he? Just walks right into the middle of a massive and expensive practical stunt and then gets confused why the lead actor isn’t doing the stunt.

“You know you’re gonna have to get much better at lying if you’re going to be President?” -- “I know, right?”

“Why else do you think I’ve been sleeping with Bobby?” -- This marital fight is hilarious, I’m not gonna lie. They do not have a healthy relationship!

“Despite your proclaimed revulsion, you can’t deny that there’s a connection between us.” -- Because she can see that spark of genuineness in you which doesn’t make sense with your everything else, and she’s trying to figure out why that contrast isn’t as conflicting as it should be. You’re both puzzles the other is trying to figure out.

(You two are also a walking, talking soulmate AU which is a quickfire way to make me feral -- but that’s a conversation for a different season.)

It’s always about the money. :/

“I told you, it’s fine. I’m immortal.” -- But that poor band member isn’t, Lucifer! Dumbass.

PFFFTTTT! A fan vid cut Delilah being shot side by side with Chloe being shot here in the pilot and I LOST MY MIND ABOUT IT! I never realized that was a full proper parallel with the falling back onto shattered glass and everything until I saw that fanvid. So good!

This show LOVES using parallels and by god they do it well.

(Except S3. That’s still a hot mess, but I think they were trying for a foil there and not a parallel. Keyword is *trying*.)

TRIXIE! And then Lucifer drops her right on top of Chloe’s wounded side. Good move, Lucifer. A+ lol

“Look forward to seeing you soon, Chloe.” -- “I don’t.” Adorable.

“Glad you’re not dead.” -- my GOD when people splice that with Chloe’s S5 death in fanvids, it makes me tear out my hair. I love it!

And once again, I cannot take Amenadiel or this ‘tense brotherly stand off’ seriously. They’re just babies squabbling in comparison to where they end up. It’s nothing but comedy to me.

Bad news, Maze. Humanity is about to rub off on you too. *Jean-Ralphio voice* You’re gonna get a SO-OUL! :D

And we close with Lucifer going back to hold up his end of the deal with Linda and strike a new one with her: sex for therapy. Which thankfully, she switches to ‘money for therapy’ like a normal person at some point in S1. I mean, sex for therapy -- that’s the kind of thing that can get your license revoked. *glances at S2*

In conclusion, this was fun! I think the act of liveblogging helped my enjoyment of the show. It certainly got me to watch a full episode again. I did keep pausing to write things down which interrupted the flow. Fine for my third viewing of the pilot, but that’s going to bug me for later episodes. I’ll have to either be less wordy or take the bare minimum notes of what I want to say and then go back after the episode and flesh everything out.

#Amber watches Lucifer #All the procrastinating and pausing means I am wrapping this up at midnight #which is a big mistake a week after DST and I'm struggling to stay awake in the afternoons #however I was smart enough to do this on Saturday night and not Sunday night so I have time to catch up on sleep before the work week begins #so good job to me on that part at least

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