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nalgenewhore · 4 years

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A rogue storm had her presumed dead and stranded on the red planet. Left on her own, astronaut Aelin Galathynius has four years to make it to the next drop-site, some two thousand miles. Armed with her smarts and dwindling supplies, Aelin attempts to survive on an inhospitable planet, when the nearest help is only millions of miles away.

masterlist - ao3 - last chapter

+*+*+*+*+*+*

Lorcan carefully extracted himself from Elide’s sleeping form. She whined in her slumber and swatted the air, trying to find him again. Though she had her own sleeping cabin, more often than not, she found herself in his. They both preferred to sleep together and neither minded the snug fit.

As he crept quietly, not wanting to disturb any of the sleeping crewmates on his bathroom run, he noticed that Aelin’s door was open and popped his head in. He whispered, “Ace?” There was no one there.

Logically, she was going to the bathroom, not missing in space again, but his pulse still raced and he cursed quietly, closing the door so that if anyone else woke up, they wouldn’t notice anything was amiss. He wanted to find her, for his sake and hers, but he really had to take a leak so after he had dealt with that, Lorcan set off through the ship's zero-gravity corridor.

After blowing the vehicular airlock during Aelin’s rescue, the ship was much smaller and it didn’t take him long to poke through the remaining rooms.

It didn’t take a genius, which they all were, to see that Aelin wasn’t the same. Her oddities were something they all collectively ignored, knowing she was silently berating herself for not being as she once was. Honestly, it broke their hearts to see her panic at the amount of food on her plate and struggle to stop herself from checking their supplies. It broke their hearts to see her slip away when they were all together, unable to handle the attention.

They were trying, really, they were, to not overwhelm her and keep their distance, even Rowan at times.

No one thought it would be easy once they got her back, but… Gods, it was all a mess, one that no one knew how to muddle through. Certainly not Aelin. She was just trying to get through the days, one at a time.

Lorcan shook his head to rid it of his spiraling thoughts as he slid down the ladder to the rec room and turned, finding Aelin at the back of the ship, looking out the windows. “Ace?”

She whirled quickly at his voice, her hands shaking as she let out a breathless laugh, “You scared me. Hi.”

“Hey,” he said smoothly, walking slowly over to her. “Everything ok?” She’d probably say that it was and they would both ignore the blatant lie.

“No.”

Her answer shocked him, but he controlled himself, keeping his face neutral as he slipped his hands into the pockets of his sweats, nodding his head once, twice. What shocked him was not what she said, but that she’d said it at all. Finally, someone was getting the truth. “Want to talk?”

“Lorcan Salvaterre, are you going soft on us? Asking someone to talk about their feelings?” Aelin teased him.

Lorcan humoured her by huffing a dry laugh and tilting his head to the side as he reached the windows and leaned back against them. “So?”

Aelin breathed out shakily and wiped her eyes, “Yeah, um. I don’t… I don’t know anything anymore. It all feels so fake?”

After he’d come home from deployment, he’d felt the same thing. It was like there was a glass separating him and everyone else. “I remember that.”

“You do?”

His time spent serving wasn’t something he tended to discuss openly. Lorcan nodded again, “Yeah, I served for a couple tours. I was discharged after eight years due to ‘hardship’.” He let out a humourless laugh, “I guess being held as a prisoner of war three months is classified as a ‘hardship’.”

Aelin’s eyes were wide, “I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.”

“Please, don’t be. It’s not your problem, G,” he assured her. “I just want you to know that it’s ok to not be alright right now. No one is expecting you to be and don’t be hard on yourself because you’re not what you once were.”

She rolled her eyes and smiled ruefully, “Easier said than done, Commander.”

Lorcan smiled, “Yeah, it really is.” He tilted his head to the table and she nodded. They silently walked over to it and sat down on opposite sides.

“So,” she began, clasping her hands on the surface before her, “are you better now?”

“Depends on what you mean by ‘better’. Before… it was really bad. Couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t eat or drink. Could barely be around anyone else.” He stared at the table, “It’s not like that anymore, but… not every day is a good one.”

“What did you do? To make it go away?”

Lorcan looked at her for a few seconds, analyzing something. “Essar yelled at me one day. Near broke down my door and chewed me out for ignoring her and being a dick. Said just because I was going through a shit time didn’t mean I could be shitty to everyone who tried to help.” The corners of his mouth tugged up, “And then she roped in Elide. Your sister’s the scariest person I know.”

“You’re telling me that? You know how many times I had to physically restrain her from fighting anyone who dared insult me in her presence?”

They both laughed quietly. Elide was one of their safe subjects, one they literally never fought over, now. In the beginning, Aelin had been a bit… territorial and protective. After they calmed, Lorcan got serious again, “That’s not all it took. I had to work to improve and still do. You just gotta find something that makes you want to fight, Aelin. You need to fight every fucking day, every time that voice in your mind tells you you should give up now, or that no one cares. Because it’s wrong, ok? Do you think we would’ve come back for you if we didn’t care?”

Aelin ducked her head, hiding her tears. “I asked you a question, Aelin.”

She slowly rose her head, eyes of blue and gold meeting ones of pure obsidian, forged from the same raging monster that dwelled inside both of them. “No.” He nodded, that one small and satisfied grin on his lips. Despite herself, it filled her with a warming sense of pride.

“Are you gonna tell me why you’re still up?”

“I had a dream. And all of this,” she waved her hand around, indicating the past year and a half, “hadn’t happened and we were on our way to Farnor. I just- I needed to see that we were leaving it all behind.” She dropped her hands in her lap and looked down at her fingernails, all bitten down to the quick. “I’m just so tired all the time.”

“Probably cause you’re not sleeping and it’s, like, three am.”

Aelin laughed, “Gods, you’re an asshole.”

He smiled and drawled, his tone dry, “So I’ve been told. Alright,” he clapped his hands, “if you’re not going to sleep, might as well watch a movie. Where’s my laptop?” Lorcan stood and walked over to the wall of compartments, reaching up high to his personal drawer. He pulled down his personal computer and moved to the couch area, putting it down on the table.

She still hadn’t moved and Lorcan looked over his shoulder, “Well, come on. Your choice between Ant-Man or Guardians of the Galaxy.”

“Wow, so many options,” Aelin commented as she made her way over to the couch and sat down, curling her legs under her.

Lorcan glanced at her before turning back to the screen, “Elide sits just like that.”

“You really love her,” said Aelin. Lorcan froze and slowly looked at her, his brows furrowing. “It’s good. She deserves someone like you. And Guardians of the Galaxy.”

He smiled, “You got it.” Soon, the movie was playing and they sat in a comfortable silence, understanding that what they had been talking about was done for now and they would continue on later. “Rowan really loves you too, Ace.”

She slowly turned to look at him but didn’t say anything until Lorcan elaborated. “I know you two had your moment or whatever, but he’s completely gone for you.”

A smitten smile pulled at her lips and Lorcan just had to pop her bubble, “Plus, he has a thing for know-it-all blondes.” Aelin choked and shoved his shoulder, to which Lorcan said, “Veteran abuse.”

“You’re such a dick,” she grumbled, frowning as she snuggled into his side. Lorcan just laughed and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. After a few minutes where they watched the movie in silence, she whispered, “I don’t want to mess it up.”

“I know you don’t. I don’t think you will.”

“Why?”

“I’m not sure Rowan’s ever wanted anything more than this,” Lorcan told her, resting his chin on the top of her head. “He’s waited all this time for you, he doesn’t mind waiting a little longer.”

And neither did Aelin.

+*+*+*+*+*+*

“Lani, this is Flight, waiting for confirmation.”

“Copy Flight, Lani actual is ready for re-entry and landing.”

“Roger that Lani. Beginning re-entry countdown,” Manon said, her voice staticky through the headset.

Everyone was strapped into their seats, ready for landing. The timer controller turned on and the robotic tone began counting down from ten. Wordlessly, Aelin held her hand, palm up, to Rowan. He stared at her hand for a moment before gently taking it and squeezing once.

The ship shook as it was remotely piloted back into Earth’s gravity. Aelin closed her eyes and breathed out slowly, repeating soothing inhales and exhales as she felt the re-entry.

“Lani, Flight – the Thresher has confirmed it is ready for pick-up.”

“Copy, Flight.”

The metal beast rattled as the boosters detached and hurtled to the ocean, far far below them still. Aelin knew that the craft would be burning right now, but with the heat shield and their temperature-controlled suits, no one could feel a thing.

As the free-fall continued for a few minutes or so, Aelin gripped Rowan’s hand harder, tensing as the craft jerked back – the parachutes. Their descent slowed and an indeterminate amount of time later, they crashed into the ocean. The pontoons that were set off kept them afloat as they all checked in with each other, assuring that everyone was ok.

The mood was vivid and excited as a hissing sound filled the craft and the door popped open, the sun blinding. “You guys lost or something?”

Lorcan and Fenrys let out shocked cries, “Corsario?”

“The one and only,” the man replied, a smug grin splitting his face in two. His sea green eyes sparkled as he and his crew helped them out of the ship and onto the motored boat that would take them to the Thresher, Terrasen’s Navy’s amphibious transport docking ship.

“Guys, this is Rolfe Corsario, we were all in boot camp together,” Lorcan explained, gesturing between him, Fenrys, and Rolfe. The sailor held out his hand to help Aelin into the boat and she noticed that his brown skin was covered in tattoos that resembled maps. Aelin held onto his hand even after she sat down, trying to get a better look.

“Ah, can’t let you do that,” he said, pulling his hand from her grasp before hopping neatly down and sitting by the motor.

“Why not?” The whole crew, save for Lorcan and Fenrys who just rolled their eyes, leaned in to listen.

Fenrys cut in before Rolfe could answer her, “They’re not for mortal eyes.” He received a quick swat to the back of his head before Rolfe turned to her.

“They’re Mycenian markings. Can’t let outsiders see them,” he said with a wink and lazy grin as he steered the boat to the Thresher.

“They’re on your hands, dipshit,” Lorcan said, twisting his helmet off and tossing it by his feet. “Anyone can see them.”

“I’m going to ignore that and still let you onto my ship.”

One by one, the astronauts popped their helmets off and sighed at the cool ocean breeze. Aelin closed her eyes, tilting her head back up to the sun just as a shadow passed over her and she frowned, opening her eyes to find that they had arrived at the ship.

Elide offered to let Aelin go up the ladder first but the blonde shook her head, waiting until she was the last one on the boat. Taking a deep breath, Aelin stepped up to the ladder and nodded to herself, stepping on the first rung.

She froze and looked to the side, seeing Rolfe waiting patiently. He dipped his chin once, “Welcome back.”

+*+*+*+*+*

Aelin had requested that no media be there when the plane touched down in Orynth. The thought of being the centre of attention, in a media hailstorm, had her feeling queasy.

TNSB had complied and when she stepped off the plane, the only people she saw were a handful of TNSB employees, the scientists who had brought her home.

The second she saw a flash of moon-white hair and another of yellow-gold, she let out an undignified squeal and ran, blatantly ignoring Weylan and Gavriel to launch herself at Manon and Asterin. They laughed and hugged her tight.

“So, what does it take for you to get Darrow’s job,” Aelin muttered, the question directed at Manon.

The white-haired woman shrugged as Asterin cackled, “He wants to fire her.”

Aelin pulled back, “What! Why, what’d you do?”

Manon just shrugged again and flipped her hair over her shoulder, “I might’ve leaked some confidential flight plans to Elide. He didn’t appreciate that.”

“Gods, I missed you two,” Aelin breathed, hugging them close again. “Thanks for getting me home.” The back of her throat ached with tears and she wiped her eyes.

Eventually, the rest of her crew caught up with her and they exchanged professional greetings with both Weylan and Gavriel. The cold disdain for the director of TNSB was palpable and Elide gently patted Lorcan’s arm, speaking in Blackbeak as she told him, “Stop frowning at him. Weylan’s about to shit himself.”

He chuckled darkly as Manon and Asterin cackled once more. Asterin surveyed her boss, who was talking with Nesryn a few metres away, “I bet he will.”

“Ten bucks?”

“Are we children,” Aelin asked, an unimpressed arch to her brows, “Ten’s too low, I say we go for the big bucks.” They continued with their childish banter as some frazzled-looking woman herded them off the tarmac and into headquarters.

Aelin lingered outside, eyes on the sky. The woman tried to get her attention, but Rowan said he’d wait for her and catch up later.

The sun’s glare became too bright for her eyes and she blinked hard, pivoting neatly to the door, where she found Rowan. A smile grew on her face and she walked quickly to his side, tucking herself under his arm and into his side. “Waiting for me again, are we?”

She grabbed his hand and tugged him behind her, only to be sent backwards when he didn’t move. “Ro, what are you- oh!” He settled his hand on her waist and tipped her chin back, green eyes swimming with too much and not enough all at once.

“For you, Fireheart,” he murmured, tracing his thumb over the apple of her cheek, “for you I’d wait forever.”

+*+*+*+*+*+*

an: annnnd that’s a wrap! thank you all for reading and sticking with me through this whole lil thang - this was super fun to write

@mythicaitt @tinywolfofeyllwe @schmlip-scribble @the-regal-warrior @westofmoon @empire-of-wildfire @rhysands-highlady @city-of-fae @shyvioletcat @alifletcher2012 @tangledraysofsunshine @ttakeitbacknoww @tswaney17 @ourbooksuniverse @flora-and-fae @thesirenwashere @queenofxhearts @that-other-pineapple @sleeping-and-books @superspiritfestival @faerie-queen-fireheart @chemicha @rowaelin-cressworth @mynewdreamwasyou @candid-confetti @bat-wing-rhys @the-reading-obsessed-stitchbear @feyrethedarklady @booklover41802 @rowaelinforeverworld @jamesxdaisy @julemmaes @hellas-himself @kayjaybea @ghostlyrose2 @but-she-was-aelin-galathynius @queen-of-glass @can-dreamers-be-lost-too @i-love-all-books

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gustafsnightangel · 3 years

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A Softer Side Part 7

The computer pinged with each frantic bid in the dying minutes, and all out war between Petrov and user BaishunpuSureiya, which in a literal translation meant Whore Slayer, otherwise known as first lieutenant to the Yakuza clan Moriyama. “Only thing worse than the Russian mob, the Japanese Yakuza.” Strand sighed.

”Damn I’m glad we got the girl out of this one.” Jerry muttered quietly.

Ayla was frantically digging into these guys as they watched the bidding war play out. A different ping had their attention snap to Ayla’s screen. “Oh you clever sweet girl.” Karl breathed. “You hacked the sites mainframe.”

“Told you she was good.” Jerry elbowed him with his murmured.

As the auction timed out the bids stopped at 6.5 million, Petrov waiting until the last second to out bid his closest rival. Karl kept a hand on Jerry’s shoulder as he breathed out very slowly. “Not celebrating until we bag him.” He said finally, wrangling his emotions under control. “We’re not done, he’s not in our care yet.”

“One step at a time kid.” Karl murmured and watched as Ayla’s hand squeezed Jerry’s. The ping of money being transferred to their dummy account brought them back to reality. “Wainwright will be getting a call soon.” As if he’d dialed the number himself, the call came through, Steve answering. With the drop location agreed on Davis and his team headed out to cast the net wide, they had a few hours to burn beforehand which was ample time to secure all access roads.

As Karl studied the takedown, he could see Ayla was busy pulling those digital threads to finesse the data she was searching for. With a frantic hand tapping his she pointed at the screen and then to Davis’s feed.

“Davis.” He snapped through the coms. “They’re already at the drop site, preplanned in the event they won the auction.”

“Copy that boss. We’ll cast wider see what we come up with.”

“I’ll forward this intel to you, it just came in. North side heavily guarded, best choke point along the south east ridge. You can bottle neck them in if you have a team at the choke point.”

“Mia?” Strand asked.

“Already leaving.” She said. Karl knew she had a helicopter stashed away, there wasn’t much she didn’t have in the way of equipment.

“Archangel is on the way.” Strand snapped out grinding his teeth, shit was about to get real.

“Copy that boss.”

Karl paced and saw Jerry blanch. “We’ll get him kid.”

“I know, his luck’s run out.” He shrugged. “I gotta gut feeling this is his last auction, whether we catch him or kill him it’s his fucking last.”

“Davis?” Strand called.

“Yeah?”

“Capture not kill, do you understand? Not unless he gives you no other option. We want Petrov alive and to at least be able to talk coherently.” Karl thought for a moment. “I don’t care about the rest, society will be much better without them.”

“Copy that. With Archangel, we’ll clean house.” Karl knew Davis understood his command. Take everyone out, leave Petrov alive, it was that fucking simple.

The randevu inched closer, the seconds ticking by in silence as Strand let Davis and Wainwright do their jobs. He had absolute confidence in their ability, he just didn’t want to let Jerry down, they’d come too far now.

“Why Mia?” Hunt asked as he paced, his restless energy making him on edge.

“That woman can shoot the hair off a gnats ass at two miles. She’ll find a nest and pick them off, effectively clearing the way for Davis and company to move in.”

“She is so much more than she seems.” Jerry said

“You have no idea kid.”

“Did you guys ever... you know?” Jerry asked quietly.

“Nope and never will. It would be like fucking my little sister.” Strand said disgustedly, even the thought of it put a bad taste in his mouth.

“Fair enough.” Jerry chuckled.

“You looking to start something with her?” He asked as he watched Davis’s team come online.

“Maybe. I like her.” He shrugged.

“Tread carefully and slowly, she’s been through hell.” Was all Strand would say on the matter and Jerry wisely shut his mouth. Karl didn’t want to get into it, he had enough relationship troubles at the moment without diving into someone else’s love life woes. Is that what this was, he thought, was he in love with her, was this a relationship?”

“In position.” Davis’s voice crackled over coms. “Waiting for Archangel.”

“Copy that, she’s en route. ETA, thirty minutes or so.” Strand said taking a seat again, his own nervous energy starting to make his skin crawl. He should be out there with the team, not cooped up inside watching it go down. In that regard he was impatient, preferring to be in the thick of it not on the sidelines.

“Get my drone up in the air Davis, I’ll need to have eyes.” Mia’s voice was clipped as it came over the coms unit.

“Copy that Archangel.” Karl could hear the smirk in Davis’s voice and smiled, he had a good team.

“Pull it up Jerry.” He said quietly and Hunt activated the drone feed. “We may need to be her eyes as well, the team on the ground will have enough to do.” They settled in with a little over an hour to analyse, strategize, and tighten the net.

******

“Archangel in position.” Mia’s voice was barely a whisper.

“You close?” Strand asked.

“Hostiles 100 yards.” She said shortly barely breathing, though the hostiles in question weren’t exactly being quiet and would mask any noise she made.

“Copy.” Karl said softly.

******

“Approaching now.” Wainwright said as they pulled up just outside the containment line.

“As soon as you set foot on the ground Archangel will clear the outer perimeter, Davis will clean up and move the containment line in.”

“Copy.”

“You ready Burke?” Strand asked.

“Asshole won’t know what hit him.” She snarked.

“We need him alive.” He said.

“I got the memo. He’ll be breathing and conscious.”

“Pulling up.” Steve cut in, now it was down to business.

“Copy.” Strand said.

The feed came into view and Karl saw Petrov waiting, surrounded by his entourage trying to look important more than watching for any real threat, that would be their fatal mistake. “Jerry, paint our good friend Ivan so Mia can leave that asshole alive.” He growled and Hunt did as requested using the drone to fix a red glow to the man, only Mia would be able to see the glow through her scope.”

“Stepping out now Archangel.” Wainwright said softly.

“Copy.” Came Mia’s feminine whisper.

******

No sooner had Steve’s foot met gravel, Petrov’s men started dropping like flies. In less than a minute she had the outer security down.

“Davis move in.” She said quietly. “North side.”

“Copy.” She would keep them safe.

Strand watched Steve take his time, the customary small talk between buyer and seller, giving Mia as much time as possible to plow the road. With an ear on their conversation he glanced to see Davis’s team secure the heavily armed North side.

“Ametures.” Mia snorted. “Never leave the high ground unattended.” Her soft mumble had Karl chuckling. “May as well have presented your asses with a flashing neon sign that said shoot me.”

“It’s just the inner circle left now.” Strand said gruffly as Wainwright hauled Burke out of his car. She swayed as if she was drugged, Karl knowing full well she was stone cold sober.

“Is she armed?” Jerry asked, a worried edge to his voice. “If this goes south she’s fucked.”

Strand snorted before he laughed. “She doesn’t need a weapon Jerry, she is the weapon.” He looked at the rookie and smiled. “Watch and learn, Petrov’s about to get his ass handed to him by a girl.” Strand looked back to watch the takedown unfold, like fucking poetry.

Like a well choreographed dance Burke reached Petrov and his hands closed around her bicep. As soon as skin met skin, Mia reduced his entourage down to just him and his first lieutenant. By the time Mia had taken down the first lieutenant, Burke had Petrov on the ground, balls in his hands, pain plastered across his face, in less than three minutes he was crying like a baby and screaming like a stuck pig.

“Not so tough now are you Ivan.” Burke purred as she circled him.

“What do you want?” He blubbered.

“Funny you should ask.” She grinned and got in his face. “Know this girl?” She held up her phone with a photo of Jerry’s sister Eva. “Before you answer let me remind you, lying or anything other than the whereabouts of this girl will end with you being shipped off to Hades 6, where we have a very nice welcome party waiting for you.” Even on the shitty feed Strand saw his face pale. “Take your time and think real hard because you purchased her, cheaper than a prime piece but you bought her, you have three minutes Ivan, then I’m handing you over to those on Hades 6 to extract the data out of you.” She let him cower at her feet, Hunt was chewing his nails, the wait unbearable.

No one spoke for the entire three minutes, the silence palpable. Crouching again before him she flicked his nose and he trembled, fucking pussy, Strand thought. “Where is she Petrov?”

“Outside San Francisco, at our US compound.” His voice choked and quavered, Karl wouldn’t be surprised if this sniveling asshole had peed his pants.

“You’re going to make a call, in English or the same fate will be in your future.” She growled. “One person drives her to this location.” She held up the address for him to see. Only the girl gets out of the car, I see anyone else I’ll pack you off to Hades 6 so fast your head will spin. Understand?” He nodded furiously.

With shaking hands Ivan dialed the number. As it was ringing Ayla traced it. He rattled off instructions for the girl, where to drive her to. The ping from the computer Ayla was working from made a sly smile spread across Karl’s face.

“Got you now you fuckers.” He growled. “We have what we need. Secure and transport Petrov, collect the girl and take her to the outcrop safe house, I’ll have her brother meet her there.”

“I’m closer.” Mia said quickly. “I’ll bring her home, she’ll be more comfortable there.”

“Sounds good, let us know when you’re heading our way.”

“Copy that, Archangel out.”

Strand turned to Jerry, the rookie pale and in shock. “Mia will bring her home here.” He said placing an understanding hand on the kids shoulder. “You need to brace yourself Jerry, she’s not going to be the same sister.”

“I know. How do I help her?” He asked quietly.

“Just be her brother, that’s all you can do. She’s not going to want to be around anyone for a while.”

“Much like Ayla was.” Jerry breathed and looked at her, that slight nod the only answer he’d get. “You guys go ahead and sleep, I’ll wait up for Mia and my sister.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. She’s going to terrified out of her mind, the less of an audience the better. I just need to lay eyes on her, know that she’s here, safe.”

Strand watched as Ayla stood and padded over to Jerry. Her tentative hug was a huge step, a silent gesture to let him know she was here for him, for his sister.

“Thanks Ayla, if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t have found her.” The rookie was almost in tears. She smiled softly and nodded. Jerry headed out to brew what would probably be his tenth coffee for the evening, leaving Ayla staring at Wainwright.

“It’s not him sweet girl.” Karl reassured. Reaching over he clicked Wainwright’s com on to open a channel. “Steve do me a favor and lose the face.” He said quietly. “On camera, she needs to see it.”

“Sure.” He pulled the camera around so Ayla had a good view and she pulled back, almost dissolving against Karl, his arms wrapping around her protectively.

“It’s not him, watch.” Steve scrubbed a hand over his face and she watched as his fingers disappeared. “It’s a holographic image projected over his face to make him look like Raven. If he touches his face it disrupts the signal.” Wainwright pressed a spot by his ear and half the holographic mask disappeared to reveal Steve’s thirty something face. “Pretty cool huh?” Strand murmured as she reached out a hand to touch the screen, a barely there nod her only answer. “Thanks Steve.”

“No problem boss.” Even his voice was back to normal.

“It has a voice chip in there too which makes him sound like Raven.” Karl explained as he cut the feed. She turned in his arms, buried her face in his chest and wept, those slender fingers fisting in his shirt. “You’re ok sweet girl.” He soothed as Jerry came back in and sat at the computer ignoring them as if they weren’t in the room. With a reassuring squeeze of the rookie’s shoulder he scooped Ayla up into his arms and carried her to her room.

It had been a rough evening for her mentally and emotionally, seeing and hearing a likeness of Raven rocking her to her core. “You’re safe Ayla.” He murmured as he climbed into bed with her, there was no way she was letting go of him tonight. He soothed her to sleep, his body cradling hers. Could he really be this stability she was looking for, he wondered? That one thought pounded through his head as he drifted, was he in love with her?

Her nightmare was more a night terror, visceral, all consuming. It was the first sound other than her whimper he’d heard from her, the terrified scream tearing from her throat, hands frantically pushing him away, fighting whatever had appeared in her mind to torment her. Waking her was difficult, his soft commands to wake up were a glancing blow, it held her under deeply. In the end, as much as he hated himself for it, he grabbed her by the biceps tightly, pined her to the mattress and barked at her.

“AYLA, WAKE UP!” He barked, a tone that left no room for interpretation. She woke sharply, eyes suddenly forced wide open at his voice, the grip on her probably hurting. That keening half scream half sob was wrenched from deep within her and she froze in his hands.

Loosening his grip he let her go and put his hands up in front of him. “You’re ok sweet girl, just a nightmare, you’re safe.” She continued to stare at him, her shuddering breath heaving in and out. “Just a really bad dream.” He repeated. Her eyes searched the room frantically, that whimper gutting him. “He’s not here Ayla, he’s on Hades 6 remember?” The urge to pull her into his arms and cradle her against him was overwhelming, the need to soothe. “You’re safe with me sweet girl, I won’t hurt you.” He murmured and held out his hands for her to come to him, to seek comfort, shelter, protection. Her choice, he thought, it had to be her choice as much as this was killing him it would only exacerbate her fear if he forced it.

He clicked on the lamp, the soft glow chasing the shadows into the night where they belonged, not that there was much of the night left. “It’s just you and me sweet girl.” He said softly, her breathing calmer now the light was on, her body still trembling. “I’m here when you’re ready Ayla, no rush.” The look of absolute terror in her eyes destroyed him as he rested his hand on his knee and let her process what she’d dreamt and the scene in front of her.

Eventually her hand reached out, fingertips brushing his. He curled them gently, urging her to come closer, to seek the safety she desperately needed. She inched closer, tentative fingers shaking toward him before they snatched back as if they’d been struck.

“You can touch me sweet girl, you’re safe with me.” He said calmly. “You’re ok.” When in the world had he become so fucking patient, he thought? Since you became her world, that little voice in his head smirked. As her mind settled she curled into him, the quiet weeping of an overwhelmed soul. “You’re safe sweet girl.” He sighed, holding her tighter and slowly leaning back against the headboard. As her tears subsided her finger grazed his scruff, the gentle touch igniting that fire within him. Her hands fisted in his shirt as she pressed her face to his chest and breathed. “Get some more sleep sweet girl, I’m right here ok?” She nodded and he heard the shuddered sigh, willing her body to relax knowing he’d keep her safe while she slept. He squeezed her tightly and shifted to lay flat, her tiny form cradled against his gigantic frame.

He felt her drift under, not so lucky himself as he stared at the ceiling. She slept for another few hours, he was content to just hold her in his arms while he thought about the next op in a few days time. He was pulled from the quiet doze he’d fallen into by her lips on his.

“You feeling better sweet girl?” He rasped as his mind coming back from wherever it had wandered off to. Opening his eyes sea green looked back, clear and full of love, her slight nod settling him. I don’t deserve you, he said silently, I’m no good for you I’m so many ways. No matter how many times he thought it and then banished it from his mind, he still craved her. She’d gotten under his guard and sucker punched him, stealing whatever was left of his black heart for herself. She kissed him again, the primal animal inside him surging forward as he deepened it, taking what he desperately wanted, giving her whatever it was she needed. He lost himself to the taste of her, those soft lips he suddenly had the urge to have around his cock.

Her hands wandering down his chest and along his torso snapped him back to some semblance of reality before her mouth claimed his. “Ayla.” He breathed, he was drowning in her. Shivering slightly as her hand grazed his shaft, his body betrayed his resolve. The press of her body against his elicited a groan as she palmed him, the sensual stroke of his erection causing a low growl to rumble from within him. God he wanted her, every cell in his body wanted her. “Stop.” He murmured gently as he took her hands and brought them to rest on his chest. Pressing his forehead against hers he regained his control, the slim margin of space suddenly between them giving his brain time to think before he acted and did something monumentally stupid. “I want to.” He whispered. “But the way I want you isn’t what you need.” No, he thought, pinning her to the bed and taking her how he pleased was not what she needed, to plunge inside her, to feel her wrapped around his cock as he fucked her hard. No, she needed tender, and he wasn’t sure he could give that to her. He felt her nod slightly, her head bowing until it rested on his chest tucked under his chin. Her tears slipped over his hand and he felt like an even bigger asshole. “I need time Ayla. I’m not sure being intimate with you is best for either of us.” He felt her nod again before she pulled away, rolling over quickly, and moving to the bathroom. “Ayla.” He said gently, but the quiet snick of the door ended his sentence before it had begun. Staring at the ceiling he let his frustration simmer. He was trying to take it slow with her, ease her into sex, did she not see that? Did she not understand that if he hurt her it would destroy him?

Ripping the covers off he dressed in jeans and a sweater and grabbed his Glock out of nightstand drawer. He stomped out to the kitchen, grabbed a coffee in a to go thermos and headed out to Mia’s range. He needed distance, he needed violence, and he needed to get her scent out of his fucking system. They had days to prepare for the last of the three auctions and hopefully put and end to all of it, he needed to focus.

Round after round went into the targets, the action soothing the edges of his unease, cathartic violence for his soul. He wasn’t husband material, relationship material, he worked hard, and played harder. His next shot faltered as Sarah popped into his mind, he’d loved her, still loved her, or what was his version of love. Was that why it felt wrong with Ayla, he wondered? No, not wrong, because he did feel something for her, it was just different to what he felt with Sarah.

Loading a new clip he emptied it into the target.

“I thought I’d find you here.” Mia said as the echo of the last round faded.

“Needed to clear my head.” He snarled, slamming another clip in and fired.

“I figured when you weren’t anywhere to be found.” She said as he let the empty clip fall and placed an egg and bacon sandwich on the table for him. “Thought you could use a bite.”

“Thanks.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

“Nope.” He loaded and fired, the smooth action one of years of repetition.

“All right then, I’ll leave you to it.” Mia sighed and turned to walk away.

“I’m in love with her Mia and it fucking terrifies me.” He blurted out. “All I keep thinking about is how I’m not the right person for her, I want to push her so far away from me to protect her yet my body wants her, I want her. How do I give her what she needs when I don’t even know what that is or how to give it to her. I’m not the loving gentle soul she needs.”

“Maybe not to the rest of us but to her you are.” Mia said gently. “Karl, she brings out a softer side of you I’ve never seen before, and it’s only with her.”

“I love Sarah, loved Sarah and I don’t know if I can take that kind of a beating again emotionally.”

“I know you did, but this isn’t the same.” Mia said softly.

“It’s so different.” He sighed, unwrapping the sandwich and taking a bite.

“Ayla is happy with you Strand and that’s a good thing for her, positive in her healing, but don’t lead her on.” She put her hands up as he opened his mouth to speak. “You’re not doing that, I’m just saying if you’re not serious about her you need to tell her.”

“I don’t even know what this is Mia.” He huffed.

“Then you need to figure it out, because if you keep pushing her away she’ll eventually stop coming to you, stop vying for your affection.”

“She had a nightmare last night.”

“And she’ll have many more.” Mia shot back. Damn it, Strand thought, she was going to make him deal with it all.

“She wanted sex.” He said flatly.

“Then give it to her.” Mia shrugged.

“It’s not that simple.”

Mia laughed. “God men are so clueless sometimes, I have to spell it out.” Her sigh making Strand bristle.

“Was it like that with you and Peter?” He sniped, the mention of his old partner bringing a mournful look into her eyes. He wished he could take back those words the second they were out.

“That was a low blow even for you Karl, but to answer your question, yes. After you brought me home it was Peter that tended me much like you’re doing with Ayla. There came a point where I needed sex, I needed to feel what it was like to be in control of what was taken from me. The only difference between me and Ayla is I knew what sex was like before Syria, she’s had nothing but rape and torture her entire life.” She studied him. “She trusts you Karl, she wouldn’t be asking if she didn’t.”

“She hasn’t asked, she hasn’t said a fucking word.” His growl was more a snarl.

“Her actions ask. She wouldn’t let you touch her if she didn’t want you to, it’s her choice.” He chewed it over and felt his gut sink, had he pushed her away too much already? “Finish up here.” Mia said seeing him start to think on her words. “Burgers tonight out on the patio, we earned them after last night.”

“You loved him didn’t you?” He said gently.

“Very much.” Her words held such grief, a deep longing as she walked back to the pickup.

“I’m sorry for being an asshole.”

“You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t.” She snorted.

******

The long walk back to the house cleared his head about Sarah, she was not who he thought she was, their relationship tenuous at best. If he was being honest with himself they were using each other for sex and that was, and always had been their relationship, even when he’d thought he’d been in love with her. The way he felt about Ayla however was as clear as mud. There was a deeper pull to her, as if her soul spoke to his, a softness and calm he’d never experienced before. Her soul soothed his own.

Coming into the kitchen he glanced into the rec room and found Ayla and Jerry at the computers working hard to set up their next op for tomorrow. He should have been here helping instead of having his own existential crisis. At least she hadn’t withdrawn or shut down.

“Hey boss.” Jerry said quietly and he saw Ayla’s hands still on the keyboard before resuming their rapid beat.

“How’s your sister?” He asked taking a seat between them.

“Doing ok considering, we talked some.” Jerry shrugged.

“That’s a start.” Karl said softly. Hunt brought him up to speed with their progress. The report from Burke on the delivery of Petrov to Hades 6. “We all set for tonight’s pickup?”

“Wainwright and Burke are set, Davis is regrouping with his team.”

“Good.”

“Do you think our old CO will bid tonight?” Hunt asked hopeful.

“God I fucking hope so.” Karl growled. “He’s the middle man, there’s someone above him pulling the strings and I want to know who.” Because that was who Raven supplied on a regular basis and would bring this entire syndicate down.

“Raven’s the supplier and distributer.”

“Yes, but who’s running the show? Who does he answer to? Raven makes millions off these auctions yet look at the house and neighborhood he lived in. If he had access to all this money where are the fancy cars, the mansions, the carefree lifestyle one had with that about of money?” Karl mused. “Were missing something.” And he’d noticed that even Ayla didn’t have the answer, maybe she doesn’t know.

******

When it came time for burgers Jerry left Strand and Ayla to go see if his sister would join them. He watched as Ayla stood and went to help Mia in the kitchen. There was a tension between them that wasn’t there last night and he was kicking himself for putting it there.

“Great, now she doesn’t want to be in the same room alone with me.” He muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose before scrubbing a hand over his face.

They all took some down time, walked away from the case for a few hours to devour a burger and fries, laugh, and boost each other’s moral.

“Did you like the burger?” Karl asked Ayla before she could get up and leave, the two of them alone for the moment as Jerry and Mia cleared and washed dishes. Jerry taking something in for his sister. She nodded and he could feel the distance between them growing exponentially. “It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you, I’m just terrified I’ll hurt you.” He blurted out. “I’m a mess Ayla.” He sighed and looked at her, those intense sea green eyes looking back. “I’ve never felt like this about someone, even with Sarah it wasn’t like this and I don’t know how to handle it.” His hand hesitated before he brushed his knuckles along her arm, that jolt to his system something he could no longer ignore or pass off as fleeting arousal. “I feel it every time I touch you, or you touch me.” He said, his voice husky. “That unmistakable yearning for you.” He looked at her. “I crave you, and sure we could just have sex, but it’s more than that, and I’m not sure that’s what you need, or what I need.” Was it love, he wondered? “I wish you’d talk to me sweet girl, tell me what you want, what you need from me.” He murmured.

She stood slowly and Karl thought he’d blown it, but she took his face in her hands and kissed him tenderly. Her knee brushed his and he opened his legs for her to stand closer as she deepened the kiss. He looked up at her as she pulled away, her fingers caressing every angle of his face. The urge to slide his hands along her body made his fingers ache, but he kept them still, not wanting to disrupt the moment.

“Do you really want this with me?” He asked quietly and her nod made his breath hitch. “You know you could do much better.” He scoffed softly and a slight smirk touched her lips before she shook her head. “You don’t think so?” She shook her head again. “I don’t deserve you.” He whispered against her lips as they claimed his again. Her fingers wandered his chest and shoulders, feeling every contour and defined muscle.

He wanted to take it further, but time, once again, wasn’t on their side. “We have an op to run sweet girl.” He sighed as he broke the kiss, her nod one of understanding. Resting his forehead against hers he regained control of his system. “You make me feel things I’ve never felt before.” He whispered. Her hand cupped his cheek and she kissed him sweetly before stepping back.

Making their way back inside, the heat between them making him itch to touch her, maybe he’d scratch that itch after the auction was online and the pickup had been made. Sitting down they got to the business end of the evening. The pickup went as planned, the auction was live and the bidding war had begun. Jerry decided to monitor the auction while the rest of the team get some sleep.

“See you at one ish?” Hunt asked Karl as he and Ayla rose from their chairs, Mia had already gone to crash out.

“Come tap on the door, wake me if anything strange goes down.”

“Will do boss.” Jerry nodded and went back to reading through the mountain of information they were still wading through.

******

He hesitated on her threshold, it was needless, the invitation clear from the tug of her hand in his. It was like any other night they’d slept together, her choice to have him here with her. Sitting on the edge of the bed he watched as she shut the door, her tentative steps toward him had him question himself. “There’s no rush Ayla, we don’t have to do this right now.” He said softly, her hand reaching for his chest. Opening his legs she stood between them much like she had out on the patio. “Talk to me sweet girl.” He whispered. “Tell me what you want.”

Her hand lightly tapped his chest, her mouth opening and then closing a few times as she fought for the words. “I want you.” She whispered, her words barely audible, her hand trembling.

“I’m all yours.” He breathed, a little in awe of her, a little startled at her voice. As a hand wandered the other joined it as she leaned in and kissed him.

He’d forgotten how arousing it was to have a woman touch him so tenderly, each stroke of a finger igniting a trail of searing heat over him. Her eyes met his as they found the hem of his shirt and lifted it, the slight nod telling her it was ok. He shivered as her fingers brushed his bare chest. Pulling his shirt up he felt that tightness in his belly as he lifted his arms so she could take it all the way off, she excited something in him. Her touch became bolder as time went on, her kiss hungrier for him. “Can I touch you?” He asked quietly against her mouth, her gaze uncertain. “I want you to feel good too sweet girl.” His fingers toying with the wisps of hair framing her face. “To show you how good it can feel.” He breathed as she kissed him again. “No ones done that for you have they? They just took what they wanted.” Her embarrassed nod broke his heart. “Do you trust me to make you feel good, make this feel good?” She bowed her head and he hooked a finger under it asking her to look at him. When she did he kissed her tenderly, the barely there brush off his lips against hers. “Nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about sweet girl. Sex should be mutually beneficial and enjoyed.” Threading his fingers into her hair he kissed her, keeping it gentle and loving, something new for him and it felt foreign. He couldn’t just take what he wanted, not like Sarah, he had to go at her speed, let her get comfortable knowing he wasn’t going to pin her down against her will.

He deepened the kiss, tongue toying with her lip, requesting, asking for her to come and play. The soft tremble of her body when he devoured her mouth made him continue, sweeping her up in the arousal a good kiss could give. She swayed on her feet when he pulled away and chuckled softly. “I think you liked that.” He murmured nuzzling her cheek, her blush flushing her cheeks confirming it.

“Can I touch you?” He asked again gently, she nodded hesitating slightly as his finger trailed her jaw, down to brush her collarbone. “You can stop me at anytime.” Her eyes looked up and found his. “Mutually beneficial, if something hurts or makes you uncomfortable you need to tell me ok?” She nodded and nibbled on her bottom lip. “I want to make you feel good sweet girl, not hurt you.” With both hands splayed out over his chest she leaned in and kissed him. He felt the fire inside her, the passion and desire skittering below the surface waiting to be unlocked.

Keeping her mouth occupied with his own he rested his fingers at her hips, the slow gentle patterns he stroked her with hopefully desensitizing her. Hugging and holding her was one thing, this was on completely different level. She jumped slightly as fingers slipped under the hem of her shirt to graze the skin at her waist, the low sweep of her ribs. He gave her a moment to process and when she didn’t stop him he continued. His hands drifted under her shirt, the softness of her skin, the scent of her already making him hard. As he dragged his hands up her ribs she raised her arms above her head, a bold enough signal to tell him to remove her shirt.

The weeks of good food and freedom had filled her out. Gone was the bony waif with sharp angles and a pained look, a lush curvy woman stood in her wake. “God you’re beautiful.” He choked, his emotions gaining the upper hand momentarily. His kiss was barely restrained, the hunger for her almost too much to contain. Leaning his head against hers he breathed deeply, reeling it in for her sake. Kissing his way down her neck she shivered as he kissed her shoulder, a finger easing her bra strap off, his lips teasing the swell of her cleavage as he peeled the lace cup down. As his mouth claimed her nipple her hands cupped his head. At first he thought she would push him away, until the soft moan escaped as he rolled the hardened bud over his tongue. “I like hearing those sounds from your lips.” He purred as he kissed his way to the other breast to do the exact same thing. As he aroused her further he unclipped the bra and helped her remove it, her hands cupping his face to bring his mouth to hers.

Wordlessly he looked at her, those sea green eyes full of desire before he slowly kissed his way down her body. Falling to his knees he burrowed his face into her belly as his hands slipped between skin and the waistband of her leggings. He heard her breath hitch and took it slow, giving her enough time to process where his hands were and what she was feeling at his touch before he inched them down along with her panties. Taking his time he was content to taste every inch of her skin giving her the time she needed. Her scent was driving him insane, the hot heady mix of lust and arousal making his cock throb. Kissing his way down further she flinched and stepped back as his tongue licked along her wet folds.

“You didn’t like that?” He asked gently, releasing her immediately. She stood for a moment trying to process what her body felt, that tell tale tremble stopping him cold. “Do you want me to stop?” He asked and she shook her head.

“No.” She breathed, her chest heaving a little with uncertainty.

“You liked it?” Her shy nod made him smile. “Makes you feel good?” He asked as he trailed his finger up her legs from ankle to ass, kissing her hips, tongue trailing over her, he couldn’t taste her enough.

Resting his chin on her belly he looked up at her as a thought occurred to him. “Have you had oral before? Received not give?” He asked quietly, the small shake of her head confirmed his suspicions. “An orgasm?” She bowed her head and shied away, the bright red flush to her face causing her to try and hide from him. “I’ll take that as a no.” He breathed and reached up to stroke his knuckles down her cheek.

She’d simply been something to fuck, no emotions, no foreplay, no enjoyment, just a thing that Allen Raven could fuck and abuse on his every whim.

He could see she was embarrassed and he had to take things carefully now. “Would you like to try?” He looked up into that beautiful face, her hair a curtain around her bowed head, her hands had clasped in front of her mound. Kissing her hands he gave her time to think. “Or we can stop? It’s up to you Ayla.”

Her fingers eventually unclasped and touched his face, they shook slightly. “You’re a little nervous?” She nodded. “We’ll take it slow. Oral for you is better laying down when you’re ready, if you want to try it.” He left it at that and continued to kiss her, the gentle strokes of his fingers easing her jitters. Every so often his tongue would swipe through her slick folds, the pleasurable jolt of something so new it had her breathing hitch, a frantic scramble to process what she was feeling. As she warmed up to the new sensations he was freely giving her she started to relax, her hands and fingers gripping at him urging him to take more, give more. “Sit on the edge of the bed sweet girl.” He said and only let her go long enough for her to sit.

She shivered as he kissed her knees the tender request to open them. As she did he kissed along her inner thighs until she relaxed further. “Lay back.” He said softly as he rose up on his knees and kissed her, tongue darting in to flick hers playfully. “Let me make you feel good.” Lowering herself back he followed, his eyes not leaving hers. “You can stop me at anytime ok? You’re in control. You tell me to stop, I’ll stop.” He kissed her until that soft moan filled the room, hoping there were more it in their future.

Traveling the length of her body he kissed and teased her until he was on his knees between her legs. One ankle at a time he sat them on his shoulders and ran his hands the length of her inner thighs to spread her wide open for him. “Relax your legs.” He purred and trailed a finger along her thighs until she did, they shook the entire way, nerves getting the better of her. Trailing his hands up her torso he cupped her breasts and gently pinched the nipples, rolling the buds between his fingers. God he wanted to taste her and then feast, her scent was hypnotic.

He sampled her, tongue softly grazing her entrance, building her arousal, her confidence. Her hips started to move with him, urging him to take more, to go faster. With one hand on her breast he skated the other down her body, finger gently teasing her entrance. As he circled a finger a soft whimper came from her, arousal not fear. “Let it come sweet girl.” He murmured as his finger slipped just inside her before stroking her clit. “This will feel so good, I promise.” It would also prime her body to take him fully without hurting her. As her whimpers grew stronger he added a second finger and teased her opening, not ready for him to plunge them in just yet. Fingers circled as his tongue stroked her clit, drawing out as much pleasure for her as possible, slow and gentle. He felt her peak, her body writhing against his mouth, her hands grasping at him desperately. As her body tensed for release he slipped his fingers into her, the long digits stroking her core as his lips suctioned around her clit, tongue flicking. She bucked against his fingers as they took her apart slowly, coaxing her orgasm out and letting it linger as it rolled through her. The soft cry of his name as she came hadn’t been what he’d expected.

He brought her back to reality with soothing strokes and tender kisses, letting her brain process what he’d just done to her, given her. Placing her legs back down he kissed his way up her torso to claim her mouth. “You liked that.” He grinned and her nod had him chuckling. “I hope to give you a few more of those tonight.” She trailed a finger along his scruff and kissed him, that sweet tenderness his undoing.

She kissed him until she was sitting and urged him to stand up, he stopped her as she went to kneel. “You don’t have to, Ayla.” He said knowing she would have been forced to suck cock regularly, and not very pleasantly. She kissed his chest and looked up at him before sinking to her knees, this was her choice. Raking his fingers through her hair she slipped his jeans off, taking his briefs with them and freeing his thick erection. Once he’d stepped free of the denim her fingers wandered, taking her time exploring his body, his reactions to her touch. He groaned as she stroked him, those slender fingers wrapped around his shaft, the feel of them igniting all his dark fantasies. He hissed as she took him into her mouth and he had to resist the urge to grab her hair and thrust deep. She felt glorious, that soft sweet mouth sucking him into oblivion. He pulled back as she went to take him deep, the hesitation stopping her.

“If you take me like that it’ll be all over, I won’t last.” He said huskily, chest heaving as he struggled for control. Holding out his hand for hers he helped her to stand. He kissed her, long and deep. “Another day maybe, but tonight I want to be inside you when I come. I want to feel you.” She went to bow her head, but he stopped her with a gentle finger under her chin. “I liked it Ayla, you did nothing wrong, I just want to last a little longer.” He sat on the bed and urged her to stand between his legs again, his erection spearing upward. His lips played with hers, the soft nibble relaxing her, showing her that this was how sex was supposed to be, fun, sensual. Hooking a hand behind her knee he guided her to straddle him, her petite figure pressing against him. He let the moment build taking the subtle hints when she gave them to move forward, that she was nearly ready to take him in.

She watched him as she sank down on her knees, her hand stroking him along her heat. His eyes never left hers as she lowered and took in his mushroom tip, the girth stretching her open. Her heat wrapping around him nearly sent him over the edge as she inched her way down, impaling herself on his cock. When he was fully seated he held her ass cheeks so she couldn’t move and groaned as she kissed him. So unbelievably tight and wet, he could feel her throbbing for him. “Fuck Ayla you’re so tight.” He mumbled into her shoulder as he nipped her neck. “Stay still a moment.” He urged as his hands held her on him as she tried to rock, he was teetering on the edge. Her kiss was tender as she sat, his cock buried deep, her arms wrapped around his neck. “Go slow sweet girl. I don’t want to hurt you.” He said softly and guided her hips as she started to rock. Enjoying the ride he watched her take her pleasure, the way he moved with her, the tiny gasps when he hit that one spot inside her she didn’t know existed. He felt her orgasm build, the tremble of her body as it started to spiral out of control, the soft whimpers that made his cock twitch. “Let me feel you come sweet girl.” He kissed her. “Just like before, let it take you.” Reaching between them he circled her clit with his thumb and watched her eyes widen at the sensation. “Relax and let it come.” Keeping the same rhythm she peaked, her body going taught before the euphoria swamped her. Writhing and bucking he guided her hips as she came, keeping the rhythm going to prolong her pleasure and build another.

“Can I lay you down?” He asked as she collapsed into him.

“Yes.” Her breath ragged. Flipping them he wrapped her legs around him and gently thrust in until he was buried to his hilt. With long slow strokes he took her, deeply and gently, he would pull this climax from deep within her. Busy fingers and the plunging strokes had them both on the edge. “Let me watch you come sweet girl.” He whispered as he slipped his hand between them, finger circling her clit, her cry one he hoped to hear again and again. As she threw her head back and came, his name on her lips, he dipped down to suck at her pulse, his hips pistoning a little faster before he groaned his pleasure and emptied himself inside her.

They lay there sated and pleasurably wrecked, and Karl had to admit he’d enjoyed the slow burn more than he’d anticipated. “I like it when you say my name.” He mumbled into her neck as he nibbled the tender flesh there. Lifting his head he looked down to see tears streaking her cheeks. “Ayla?” He couldn’t keep the panic from his voice. “Did I hurt you?” He asked gently, mind reeling, cursing himself for even entertaining the idea of sex with her. The vehement shake of her head was a strong indication she was ok. Pulling out of her he rolled and curled her into him, pulling the covers over them both. “A little overwhelming?” Her nod set him at ease. “Did you like it?” That nod made him smile. “Me too.” Shifting down a little he kissed her, long and tender, wrapping her up tightly in his arms. He’d never been one for post coital snuggling but this, with her, this he liked.

“Karl?” Came her soft voice, husky from disuse.

“Mmmm.” He couldn’t deny he loved how his name sounded on her lips.

“I love you.” It was simply said, her face buried in his chest as if she was expecting a blow, verbal or physical. He had no response other than to hold her tightly and kiss her head. For the first time in a long time, he was speechless. She had a right to voice her feelings, he just didn’t know how to voice his to her.

“Sleep now.” He murmured, reaching over to turn off the lamp. She snuggled in closer as if the darkness had pushed her against him. “You’re safe sweet girl. He can’t touch you ever again.” He dropped into sleep like a stone once Ayla was out cold, sex a sure fire way to give him the release he needed to clear his head.

******

They slept until six and he only woke because of Ayla’s pretty mouth around his cock. He had no chance of holding off as the cobwebs of deep sleep muddled his brain. Lightly fisting his hand into her hair he thrust up, fucking that beautiful mouth until he emptied himself, body still jerking as he released his grip on her. She kissed her way up his body and lay flat against him. “I’ve never had such a nice wake up call.” He growled softly, fingers trailing her skin. “Shall I return the favor?” He asked and kissed the top of her head. “Shall I give you an orgasm to start your day sweet girl?” She lifted her head and looked at him slightly unsure. Keeping his gaze on hers he rolled slowly so she was under him and felt her tense. Kissing her softly she relaxed, her hands flexing over his chest, he gave her a moment. “Just like last night.” He breathed, her face already flush with arousal, and traveled south, kissing every inch of her.

She was already wet for him and although he took a slow and steady approach like last night he added a third digit and filled her. The gentle come hither motion rubbing her g spot, his mouth on her clit, her hand gripped his forearm and the cry of his name from her lips as she came made him smile. That, he decided, was his new favorite sound.

They curled up, he the bigger spoon, and she plummeted into sleep again. Laying there he kissed her hair and breathed in the scent of her, fingers trailing bare skin. “I think I’m in love with you sweet girl.” He whispered. “And that should terrify you. It should make you want to run. I’m no good for you.” He raked his fingers through her hair and kissed her temple. “I’m no good for you but I’m willing to try to be the man you believe I am.” With her on his mind and in his arms, he drifted to sleep and dreamt of uncertainty.

@hausofobsession @ill-skillsgard @grandpa-sweaters @authentic90skidd @tuckersgirl @fairlyfallacy @flowers-in-your-hayr @raewritesfiction @stinkerbelle007 @kamie-b @mrsaugustwalker @skrsgardspam @loliwrites @trippedmetaldetector @lihikainanea @fay-walden

#Karl Strand fanfic #a softer side #gustaf skarsgard #sexy as fuck

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choupichoups · 5 years

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CHAPTER FOUR :: Previous chapters

Eliott falls helplessly infatuated with his best friend’s little brother— he knows he’s writing up his own death wish going after this boy, but fuck if Lucas isn’t the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on.

Or: Eliott’s under the impression that his best friend’s new step brother, ‘Lulu’, is a literal baby. Nobody tells him the guy’s actually a fucking babe-y.

His phone lays face down on the nightstand, chiming with accusing vibrations from god knows where. He hasn’t exactly kept up with the outpouring of messages since Friday night.

Eliott doesn’t know what day it is.

With a burst of energy that sends both dread and respite coursing through his chest, Eliott pushes himself towards the bathroom, standing under the warm pressure of the shower until it turns cold, freezing pelts numbing where his back is hunched over the tiled walls.

He doesn’t feel any better. There’s a steely blankness in his mind, a faint ringing echoing its walls that has Eliott wondering how he’s able to move around.

When he gets out, shivering from the cool air breezing in from his open windows, the mere sight of the light emanating from his nightstand grips him with inexplicable anxiety. The familiar drop in his stomach is so unbearable he can’t even bring himself to approach his fucking phone. His eyes search out a pack of smokes out of reflex but a spiteful voice inside his head berates him. Make it worse, why don’t you, it says, go ahead and prove them right, then.

He goes into the kitchen and gulps down two glasses of water instead. He supposes his piece of shit brain has an effective way of keeping him in check sometimes.

His laptop is asleep on the kitchen table when he turns around and Eliott taps on it, stares blankly at the timestamp on top of the screen— it’s Sunday afternoon. So he hasn’t been out of the grid for that long then. Not long enough to miss classes, at least. That’s good. It’s good.

That eliminates the chances of school related emails being included in his growing pile of notifications.

He slides gingerly onto the chair, switching to his Netflix tab to resume whatever movie he’d been watching before he left for that party on Friday. Eliott watches the screen move, colours and sounds around him, none of it sticks but he appreciates the background noise. Appreciates the change in scenery. He’s gotten a little sick and tired of watching the ceiling in between bouts of fitful slumber.

Eyes still dull from exhaustion, he follows the fast paced sequence playing in front of him until the muffled music clears up, until the teeny voices from his speakers start making sense again, until his brain latches onto the idea of the film, until he recognizes the title, remembers the bits he’d seen from Friday.

He’s frowning down at a particular twist in the plot when his lock turns, dragging slow and soft, as if it would help mask the disruptive shriek of metal against metal. He doesn’t react much to it— only stares at the door with vague wonder, but ultimately can’t bring himself to care even when the door creaks fully open. He’s genuinely surprised to see Adrien’s head pop out from behind it, searching eyes wandering about until it lands on Eliott and a brilliant smile immediately lifts the entirety of his best friend’s face.

So Lucas hasn’t told him anything.

Eliott’s heart clenches. It has nothing to do with relief.

“Hey!” Adrien sounds so excited that Eliott wants to smile, but his lips don’t get the memo. “I brought lunch. Or dinner, I guess? Whatever.”

He makes himself at home, banging around in Eliott’s kitchen as the movie plays on, now abandoned. Eliott relocates to the couch, letting Adrien’s off tune singing and his computer’s noisy faux explosions fill his head. It’s comfortable enough that Eliott’s eyes fall shut, head tilted back against the back of the couch.

It’s dark outside the next time he wakes. His laptop’s now connected to his tv screen, playing a different movie. Adrien’s lounging beside him, spoon stuck in his mouth, eyes trained on his phone.

“You gonna share that or what?” Eliott manages to croak out, reaching for the bowl of take out in Adrien’s lap.

Adrien practically jumps at the sound of Eliott’s voice and that finally, finally fills him with enough humour to conjure up a smile. It feels fucking good. He hopes it lasts.

“Fuck off, yours is in the fridge,” Adrien says once he recovers, sliding his bowl far away from Eliott’s reach.

Eliott groans, “That’s too far.”

“Your place isn’t that big, calm down.” But Adrien gets up anyway, dragging his feet as he heads for the kitchen to heat up the leftovers. Eliott isn’t hungry, truth be told, he does want to continue this streak of normalcy, though. He wants to keep smiling and feeling and eating. Maybe it would push him on a fast track to being himself again come the next day. Whatever being himself means.

Hot food is plopped down on his legs with no warning and his resulting yelp has Adrien in stitches. Eliott’s sorely tempted to dump the entire thing over Adrien’s head, see who’s laughing then, but he did bring Eliott some free food so he gets one single pass for being an asshole. Eliott flips him off, lips still curled in a smirk as he nibbles on his first bite.

They watch the movie mostly in silence, only with the occasional commentary from Adrien, who’s prone to being very vocal about how angry the characters make him. There’s something off with his behaviour though, almost like he’s forcing the cheer into his voice. Eliott looks over just in time to catch him tapping away on his phone for the umpteenth time.

So Eliott pauses the movie, confirming his suspicions when it takes Adrien a full minute to realize that there’s now silence where the movie villain’s cheesy droning spiel had just been. He reaches out, one hand curled into a fist, and Adrien stares at it blankly before slapping his palm against it, closing his hand over the fist, holding tight like a child afraid of the dark. He looks like a child too, Eliott’s eyes adjusting to the lack of light to find Adrien’s wide, watery gaze on him.

“I fucked up, Eli.”

Well that’s new. It’s usually Eliott who fucks up between the two of them. “How much?”

“Big time.”

Eliott sits up from where he’s half melted into the couch cushions, kicking at Adrien’s leg until he does the same. “What happened?”

Adrien eyes him, says, “Nothing, don’t worry about it. I’m just being stupid.” But he sounds pitiful enough that Eliott can’t not worry about it.

“Look, Adri, we can’t both feel like shit,” Eliott says, earning a snort from the other end of the couch. “Only one at a time and I called dibs already so just tell me what’s wrong so you can feel less shitty about it.”

Adrien wipes his eyes. Sniffs a little. “Lucas is missing.”

That’s the last thing Eliott wants to hear. “What?” he chokes out, forcing a neutral tone. His heartbeat picks up in protest. “Since when?”

“Friday, god, I should’ve gone to that stupid party—”

This is all your fault. “What do you mean he’s missing?” Neutrality out the window, apparently. Good thing Adrien doesn’t seem to notice, too busy trying to yank the hair out of his head as he is.

“I don’t know, he’s been kinda weird recently to be honest, and now he’s not coming home or answering his goddamn phone.” Adrien nibbles on his fingernails, a nervous tick the both of them share. “I’m freaking out, like— what do I tell our parents? They can’t even leave my brother alone with me for two weeks without him going missing, fuck. I’m so useless. What if we get a baby brother? Or a baby sister? How much would I fuck up then? Jesus, I would probably drop an actual infant and—”

Eliott shakes his head, takes Adrien’s phone away to do something. “Calm down,” he hisses, not sure if he’s addressing Adrien or himself. “Have you checked with all his friends?”

“The ones I know of, yeah.” Adrien grabs a cushion and buries his face under it.

A thought occurs to Eliott then, unwanted but he’d rather that than any other worse scenarios. Maybe it’s not his fault. How bold of him to assume Lucas would care that much about Eliott, just another boy chasing him around. Maybe the answer is much simpler. Maybe it’s got nothing to do with him at all. “Maybe he met someone,” he suggests, and he has no right to feel jealousy catching fire like a candle wick, rapid to burn. “Went home with them?”

“No,” Adrien denies, muffled. “Lucas doesn’t do that.”

Flashes from Friday night’s party make him swallow, throat clicking at the image of Lucas and that guy headed fast towards the bedrooms. “You sure?”

“Uh huh. Hundred percent.”

Adrien’s phone interrupts them with a startling ring. Instinctively, Eliott slides a finger to accept the unknown call, putting it on speaker so Adrien could hear as well. “Hello?” Eliott answers, hesitant, when Adrien looks like he doesn’t plan on emerging from his cushion any time soon.

Confused silence, and then a timid, “Adri?”

Lucas’ voice. Eliott drops the phone on the table like it’s suddenly grown spikes.

It’s a good thing Adrien comes alive at that moment, his cushion flying off the living room and into the kitchen. “Where the fuck have you been?!” he practically screeches in the general direction of the phone.

There’s some static, the sound of sheets ruffling. “I don’t— I don’t kno— no, shit, hold on.”

Adrien’s face is flushed with anger. “The fuck you mean you don’t—” He rubs a hand over his face. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Eliott sincerely doesn’t know whether to be thankful of, or lament the fact that Adrien keeps the phone call on speaker.

“Of course? Of course? So why the hell haven’t you been answering my calls, Lulu?”

“I’m sorry, my phone died,” Lucas groans from the other end, sounding miserable. Like he’s—

“Are you hungover?” Adrien voices out the question in Eliott’s head.

“Yes.” The one word packs such heavy attitude it almost makes Eliott laugh— until he remembers it’s Sunday evening so Lucas being hungover means he’s been drinking again on Saturday and well into the morning after. “Would you tone down a little?”

“No, I won’t tone the fuck down. Do you know what time it is? And you sound like that? Tell me where you are, I’ll come get you.”

“I’ll be home tomorrow.”

“Lucas,” Adrien pronounces the name slowly, how he always does when upset. “Where are you?”

Unperturbed, Lucas repeats, “I said I’ll be home tomorrow, father.” And then he hangs up.

Adrien looks two seconds away from flinging his phone out the window. It’s times like this when Eliott truly appreciates being an only child.

“Whose phone number was that?” Adrien asks, visibly holding back from redialing the unknown number.

Eliott shrugs and heads into the bedroom for his phone; there’s no harm in checking his contact list. He figures it’s time to stop avoiding the inevitable anyway. At least Adrien being present would alleviate some of the stress from checking on his unread messages.

Turns out he doesn’t have the phone number Lucas used registered on his phone either but what he does find out is that Lucas has blocked him on Instagram. And it shouldn’t hurt. It really, really shouldn’t. It’s a fucking phone app, the act is borderline juvenile. The laugh he lets out is rusty, unfamiliar to his own ears, bitter in its quietness. He should have seen it coming, it’s what he deserves after all. But knowing so doesn’t make it feel any less horrible.

“You okay?” Right. Adrien’s there beside him, clueless as to what Eliott’s done to his precious little brother. Eliott knows he’s played a dangerous game and now Lucas holds all the cards.

“Yup, just peachy.” Eliott shoves his phone behind the couch. Out of sight out of mind. “You want a drink?”

Adrien sweeps a hand over his eyes. “I need ten.”

“I only have cranberry juice.”

“Ugh, fuck.”

“We can use the fancy glasses and pretend it’s wine.”

“Yeah, okay, close enough. Juice me up.”

Come Tuesday afternoon, Eliott feels less like living as a hermit deep into the woods and more like throwing people deep into the woods.

Irritation simmers at the surface of his skin like gasoline, ready to ignite at the slightest provocation. So he does his best to stay away from the crowds, and forces himself to interact only when he’s cornered, because apparently some people can’t read the atmosphere despite his closed off demeanor.

Mysterious, some would call him and it’s so fucking stupid. Aloof. Intimidating. Cool.

He’d laugh if he weren’t so keyed up, throat scratchy with the urge to snap, shoulders hunched to keep in a festering fury he has neither time nor will to put out.

It doesn’t help that his hands have developed a mind of their own, obsessively checking for a message that will never show up. He’s irritated that there’s only one voice he wants to hear. He’s irritated that people still try their luck in approaching him, he’s irritated that they laugh and speak and move around him like he isn’t some ticking time bomb. He’s irritated that despite all the noise and the clamour, everything is still so goddamn boring, nothing to pull him out of his head, nothing to crack open his barrier, nothing nothing nothing.

His most wakening moments happen during the events leading up to, and the ones following after, himself getting punched in the face.

It’s exactly how it sounds like, but in Eliott’s defence, it's completely and utterly not his fault. Just a giant misunderstanding and too much testosterone involved in the mix.

It happens when Eliott’s just about to leave campus, skipping out on the final half of his last class so he could catch the early bus and continue being miserable at home. Hands busy untangling his headphones, he doesn’t realize he’s got company in the hallway until he hears a very unimpressed, very familiar voice coming from the other end. Eliott throws himself into the next hallway, heart beating erratically while he stands with his back plastered against the wall.

“Listen, Nathan,” Lucas is saying, thankfully unaware of the film worthy stunt Eliott had just pulled. He slumps down on the ground and accepts the fact that he’s officially the king of being at the wrong place at the wrong time nowadays.

Or maybe the king of eavesdropping is more accurate?

His phone vibrates against the floor where it’s shoved inside his pocket and Eliott scrambles to kneel up, cursing under his breath as he fumbles to muffle the sound of the missed call.

Cautiously, he peeks out, but both boys are still occupied with their conversation. Eliott ducks back into his hiding place, rationalizing if the loss of dignity he’d experience should someone catch him crab walking towards the staircase would be worth dodging Lucas’ ire.

Maybe he simply puts the king in panicking, at this point.

“Nigel,” Nathan— or Nigel, really, corrects him. Eliott winces in sympathy. So that’s how Lucas plays it, huh.

“Nigel. I’m sorry about the party,” Lucas continues, and Eliott knows exactly what he’s going to say next. “I was a little drunk.” Fucking hell.

Nigel lets out a breathy laugh. “Come on, Lucas, you can’t say you felt nothing.”

Alright, Eliott’s sympathy is quickly fizzing out.

“Feel what?”

“There’s something between us, Lu.”

“We met four days ago,” Lucas deadpans, ruthless in a way that has Eliott a little taken aback. There’s no hint of the playful tone Lucas had always used around him.

“You kissed me at the party.”

“I said I was drunk.”

“You weren’t, why don’t you just give us a chance? I could be—”

“No,” Lucas interrupts, “it’s nothing to do with you, you’re a great guy so don’t bother wasting your time on me.”

“You’re not ever a waste of time.”

That gets a laugh out of Lucas. “That’s uh, sweet, but I’m serious. Please.”

Eliott squeezes his eyes shut. You’d know if I was rejecting you. He thunks his head on the wall behind him, staring up at the pale ceiling as he wills for time to turn back.

But of course it doesn’t. All that happens is that Eliott misses the rest of the conversation he’s listening in on and only realizes it’s over when shuffling footsteps make their rapid way straight towards where Eliott is squished into a corner.

And oh shit, oh shit, oh shit—

Except Lucas rushes right past him, anticlimactically.

Eliott knows he’s got about two seconds to decide whether he’s going to let him go or if he’s going to gather the balls to at least apologize.

In an act of bravery that probably surprises the deities themselves, Eliott calls out for Lucas, wincing in preparation for a storm as he traces the way Lucas’ entire body tenses up. A voice in his head tells him to leave it, that they’re headed straight for corrosion and nothing he says would change anything. Eliott almost succumbs to it.

But Lucas keeps walking, not once looking back, and Eliott feels a deep-seated panic settle over him, the magnitude of it louder than the jeering from his own mind. He trips all over his own two feet and hurries to match Lucas’ pace. “Lucas, please, I just want to say—”

“Sorry?” Lucas bites out, only stopping when Eliott physically stands in front of him to block his way. “Is that what you wanna say? Or are you above apologizing to your failed conquests?” Eliott recoils, mouth opening a little but Lucas doesn’t let him speak. “Nevermind, I don’t actually care. Don’t worry, I won’t tell Adri.”

Lucas keeps his head lowered, and Eliott’s chest constricts, hands slightly shaking where they’re hidden inside his pockets. God, he’s always been terrible at confrontations; he’s either too angry or too much of a coward to say the right thing. It has never occurred to him to apologize in exchange for Lucas’ silence, though, and he doesn’t want Lucas to think that’s all Eliott cares about. He only wants to— he wants to—

What? What exactly does he want?

Lucas steps to the side, intending to walk off again, and Eliott can’t have that. He doesn’t have the words lined up quite readily in his mind yet but he knows, for sure, that if Lucas just stays for a couple more minutes, the words will come to Eliott. He can feel it, it just—

His hand belatedly grabs for Lucas as his mind chases after the words, almost missing Lucas’ arm entirely. But just as quickly as he’s held, Lucas shakes Eliott off, stepping backwards violently enough to have him careening into the wall. It goes against Eliott’s every instinct to not reach out steadying hands as he watches Lucas stagger. It’s only the intensity of Lucas’ glower that stops him, like he’d have no problem smiting Eliott into smithereens if he dares to lay another finger on him.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?!” Lucas throws his backpack on the ground between them and Eliott watches it skid to the tip of his boots, a dawning dread churning at the pit of his stomach. “You made it very clear where you stand, Eliott. Now why don’t you be a man of your fucking word for once and just fuck off!”

A part of him flares at the harsh words, naturally, but Eliott understands he’s reaping his own harvest. Although Eliott is many, many terrible things, not once has he ever refused to take responsibility for the hurt he’s caused, no matter what state of mind he’d been under at the time. So Eliott shoves down the anger that heats his blood, ignores the temper pounding at his head, and swallows twice before speaking. This will not be a repeat of Friday night.

He picks up the discarded backpack and carefully approaches, making sure to leave enough space between the two of them so as to not smother Lucas. “Please,” he says, voice quieting as he stretches an arm out to hand the bag back to its owner. “Just look at me, please?”

Lucas’ shoulders rise and fall with each breath, the very picture of righteous fury, but when he does look up, Eliott’s met with none of the animosity he expects. Instead, Lucas’ eyes are wide and scared, tears threatening to spill from those lovely blues. Eliott is shot by the sight of it, unprepared to see Lucas — headstrong, spitfire Lucas — looking so devastated.

He can’t comprehend how someone so beautiful could allow someone as unworthy as Eliott close enough to hurt.

“Don’t do that,” Lucas says just as softly, and Eliott flinches as a finger ghosts along below his eye. He brings his own hand up, chasing after the whisper of Lucas’ touch, and Eliott realizes he’s also crying like some pathetic echo to Lucas’ feelings. “Stop it, I’m supposed to be cussing you out right now,” Lucas scolds, snatching the bag from Eliott’s hand. “I can’t do that if—”

Eliott would have loved to hear the rest of that sentence, even if it’s just more insults hurled towards him. He’s sunk low enough to admit that anything is better than a cold shoulder from Lucas.

As it is, he never gets to hear the full of it, because someone is pulling him back by the arm in one second, and then he’s down on the floor in the next. Eliott registers the familiar pain at the bridge of his nose once his head stops ringing.

Fuck, at least that punch literally knocks the sadness part of his rapidly cycling moods— Eliott doesn’t feel much like crying now. No, irritation comes flooding back with a vengeance and if it weren’t for the sight of Lucas’ figure standing in front of him, Eliott would’ve gotten up and returned that blow twice as hard.

“What the fuck?” Lucas yells at the perpetrator, blocking Eliott from view when the guy tries to go in for more. Eliott sits up, one hand feeling around his nose, content to let Lucas handle whatever the hell’s going on for now. “What’s your problem?”

“He’s bothering you!” Ah. Good old Nigel. Where did he even come from?

“We were talking,” Lucas hisses, shoving Nigel back when he hovers too close. “Would you fucking chill? What are you even doing here—”

“Talking?” Nigel sneers, eyes cutting towards Eliott, who waves back with a slightly bloody hand and inwardly snickers when it seems to piss the guy off even more. “I was fucking worried about you, that’s why I came back and this is what I get? Is this why you rejected me? Hung up on Demaury, are you?”

“I’d watch the next words coming out of that mouth, Nick.”

“It’s Nigel! Fuck, whatever, you want to be another notch on his bedpost? Go ahead, but don’t come crawling to me when he—”

Eliott pulls Lucas back and launches himself forward, letting the satisfying crunch of Nigel’s nose under his knuckles power him through the inevitable sting that comes after. Behind him, Lucas mutters a high pitched, Jesus Christ.

“Stop, just stop. Sit down, Eliott.” Lucas rushes to push himself in between the two of them and it would be so, so easy to move him. Just put Lucas to the side and continue letting off some steam, but Lucas doesn’t sound like he’s playing around and Eliott would like to live until he graduates, at least.

To Nigel’s credit, he does look like he’s regretting everything he’s said right about now. Maybe part of it’s the bleeding nose but Eliott would bet it’s mostly due to the pissed off expression Lucas is currently wearing.

“Sit,” Lucas repeats. Eliott sits with only minor grumbling. “You.” He directs his scathing voice towards Nigel who’s halfway to quaking by now. Eliott scoffs, the guy wouldn’t survive a day as Lucas’ boyfriend. “Go to the nurse.”

“You’re making me go alone?” Nigel squeaks out.

“Want him to hold your fucking hand or something?” Eliott can’t help but pitch in, biting back the rest of his words when Lucas levels him with a look.

“Shut up.” Lucas rubs a hand all over his hair, making a bigger mess out of them. “You know what?” he says, chuckling a little maniacally, “I don’t even want to deal with either of you.”

And then he just takes off to the end of the hall. Eliott, for the second time within the hour, falls all over himself to follow. He still hasn’t apologized and he has to do it now.

“Lucas, I am so fucking sorry,” he blurts out once they’re alone at the stairwell. Eliott’s still standing by the door, hesitant to keep going as Lucas eyes him from the bottom of the stairs. “I was a dick on Friday and even before that I— I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that.”

“Okay.” Eliott’s head snaps up, and Lucas laughs, backing up until he hits the wall, the distance between them ever increasing. “Okay, I just. I just don’t get it. Why did you go after me if you were just going to ignore me in campus? And why did you go for someone else while I… while my dumb ass finally thought… I mean, I know you aren’t exactly a date to marry type of guy but come on, me and her? At the same time? Why?”

Eliott shakes his head against the questions, words stuck at the tip of his tongue, refusing to come out. He has so many and too little to say all at once. He wants to say that Lucas scares him so he’d taken the coward’s way out. He wants to say that he only did it to prove something to himself— wants to say that he failed to prove that exact something to himself.

“I freaked out, okay? I just, I didn’t— I don’t know how to handle you,” he forces out, voice small, vaguely aware that none of that likely made a smidgen of sense. Even so, he makes his way down the stairs with no protests coming from Lucas.

“And?” Lucas prompts, sounding slightly less murderous this time.

“And what?” Eliott steps down the last stair, finally on level ground with him.

“That— that’s it?”

“I don’t know…”

A long silence follows, like Lucas is waiting for him to continue. But it quickly becomes apparent that no follow up is coming through. “Nice. Okay. Good talk,” Lucas snorts, “see you around.”

“Wait, wait.” Eliott truly hates himself for losing words when he needs them most. “Lucas, please, I can’t… I can’t stop thinking about you.”

There’s a lump in his throat that threatens to choke him up every time he wants to lay it all out in the open— a well groomed defence mechanism, maybe. And the easy solution is to shift the blame away from himself, remind Lucas that Eliott’s free to do whatever he wants as long as he’s not committed to one particular person, but he knows that’s not the point here. What Lucas wants to hear is something that Eliott is yet to admit even in the safety of his own head.

The fire exit door opens to mild chattering from a group of girls heading up the stairs and Eliott doesn’t even flinch, doesn’t care about how this might look like to them. Lucas, on the other hand, takes it as an opportunity to shove past Eliott.

“Better fix that then,” Lucas whispers, drawing close yet maintaining it so that not a single part of them is touching. “Cause you can think all you want, Eliott, but you’ll never have me.”

Looking into his eyes, Eliott understands the phenomena of even the warmest blue oceans being unable to hide the cold black down under if you only push deep enough. They brush shoulders as Lucas slips inside the door, leaving Eliott to stand alone on the landing, struck speechless.

Eliott’s figured it out, you know. The big elusive formula to avoiding heartbreak.

He’s sitting on Sofiane’s couch, a bag of ice pressed to his smarting nose. He doesn’t think it’s broken but then again, it’s gone too numb for him to really tell.

Going numb. That’s it, that’s the formula.

It’s worked out so, so well for him. People can say shit all they want but Eliott still thinks he’s lived some of his best years ever since he just stopped caring. Except somewhere along the way, he’d made a mistake, had possibly gotten too complacent, too confident with the life he’s gotten used to and now—

He’s tripped up. Because he sure as hell is the furthest thing from numb right now.

And it honestly hurts like a fucking trainwreck.

You’ll never have me.

He squeezes his eyes shut, welcoming the sting that comes with the movement. “Sof,” he calls out, a little nasal from how careful he is to not agitate his injury.

“Yeah?” The cushions dip under Sofiane’s weight and Eliott feels a glass of water and some painkillers being shoved into his hand.

“Why did you wait so long for Imane?”

His question goes unanswered long enough for Eliott to remove the ice bag off his face.

“What?” Sofiane asks, rightly confused.

Eliott sighs, “You’ve had a crush on her since before high school. It’s not like you’re ugly—”

A snort, “Well thanks.”

“—and there were lots of easier options,” Eliott continues as if he hadn’t been interrupted. “Plus we’re friends with Idriss! Isn’t that, I don’t know, intimidating?”

“I’m not looking for an easy relationship, Eli, I want a real one.” Sofiane shrugs. “Why would I be intimidated? Idriss is nice and I haven’t done anything wrong so it’s not like—”

Eliott looks up when Sofiane cuts himself off, watching the morbid realization settle over his features. “What?” He might as well play dumb for as long as he can.

“Who did you get in a fight with?”

“I told you, some punk with a hero complex.”

“Over what?”

He puts his nearly melted bag down and reaches for the glass of water, taking his time in swallowing down the painkillers. “Nothing.”

“Eliott, I can’t help you if you won’t tell the truth.”

“Who says I need help with anything?”

“Uh, the fact that you came here with a bleeding nose for starters?” Sofiane shakes his head, watching Eliott practically drown himself with his glass of water. “Eliott.”

“Hm?”

“Please tell me you listened to what I told you at that party.”

Oh god, he really should’ve gone to Idriss. There’d be less sympathy and more laughing but at least Idriss doesn’t know that Eliott’s maybe slightly a little more than attracted to Lucas.

“What party?”

“Stop acting dumb!”

“I’m not!”

A pillow is thrown at the crown of his head but it thankfully misses his face, and Sofiane sounds like he’s laughing more than anything, so Eliott figures it’s safe to drop the act. “Okay, fine, no, I didn’t listen.”

“Ugh, Eliott.”

“I know. And I fucked up.”

“Already? It’s been less than a month.”

“I know, fuck.”

“So what happened?”

Eliott shrugs, getting up to toss his ice bag in the sink. “Nothing. He told me to leave him alone.”

Sofiane’s got a strange constipated look on his face. Good to know some of his friends have that much faith in him. “Wait, Lucas said to leave him alone?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re sure?”

He returns to the living room and drops back down on the couch. “Unless ‘why can’t you just leave me alone’ has another secret meaning I’m not aware of then yes, I’m very sure.”

Sofiane whistles lowly.

“It was my fault though,” Eliott admits, poking at the threads peeking from the cushion covers. “He saw me and Eleanor.”

“Oh.” Sofiane actually looks a little apologetic. “Sorry, I didn’t know—”

“It’s fine, nobody forced me to approach her. And I said some shitty stuff too so it’s not like it was all because of that.”

“Adrien doesn’t know?”

“No.”

“Fuck.”

“Mhm.” Eliott pulls at the ends of his hair, only feeling slightly better now that someone else is privy to his little secret. “I don’t know what to do.”

“I mean, nothing happened right? So is it so bad to just move on from this?”

“Yeah. Problem is that I don’t want to move on.”

Hearing that, Sofiane straightens his posture, turning fully on the couch so that his whole body is faced towards Eliott. He sees enough of Sofiane’s giddy smile from his peripheral to feel like he’s just activated the guy’s slumber party mode.

“Are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Sofiane goads, grin widening when Eliott responds with a groan.

“Shut up.”

“No, really, is the Eliott Demaury actually crushing on someone right now?”

Gross understatement. “I will eat all the food in your fridge if you don’t stop.”

Sofiane laughs him off, arms swaying about as he wiggles in his spot and damn, are the guys really going to be so happy to see Eliott catching feelings? Well, probably not Adrien considering the context but still.

“Are you gonna do anything about it?” Sofiane stops his bird mating dance and schools his expression into somewhat of a serious one.

“Which part of he told me to leave him alone did you miss?”

“Fuck, that’s right eh?” Lip caught between his teeth, Sofiane peers up at Eliott like he’s got something to say but is holding back for whatever reason. Eliott narrows his eyes at him until he continues with a hesitant, “How about give it some time? And then shoot him a text message? No harm in asking for one more chance, it’s a yes or no question.”

“He has me blocked on Instagram though, and he never gave me his phone number.”

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah.” Eliott thunks his head back down on the couch, fingers busy tracing invisible patterns on the covers. “How did Idriss react when he found out about your crush on Imane?”

Sofiane shrugs, slumping down on the space beside Eliott. “He got all winky and said he’d put in a good word.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that.” A pause, and then socked feet poke against his, annoying enough to have Eliott looking away from the very interesting ceiling Sofiane’s apartment has. “But I also don’t have a, uh, colourful relationship history like you so… no offence.”

Eliott blindly throws a cushion in Sofiane’s direction and relishes in the squawk that follows.

“But hey?” Sofiane continues when Eliott doesn’t say anything in response, “let it rest for a while, Eli. If you still feel the same after that, then at least you’ll know it’s really serious this time.”

He already knows. “Yeah, you’re right.”

“Eliott.”

“Hm?”

“You weren’t always like this.” It’s a statement, not a question, so Eliott isn’t sure what he’s supposed to say in return, but it seems like Sofiane isn’t looking for a response anyway. “Adrien’s known you forever and yeah, the past couple of years might be at the forefront of our minds right now but we know you’re a good guy. Adri knows that the most.”

Eliott quirks an eyebrow and Sofiane raises his hands, palms up as he shrugs.

“All I’m saying is that things might not be as bad as you think they are, okay?”

“Okay.” Eliott still thinks it’s pretty bad, but he’s not going to argue against a source for hope.

Eliott wishes he could say he gets productive for the next two weeks that follows but really, all he’s done is drink coffee, pretend to start on his assignments, and miss Lucas’ snarky messages. Not necessarily in that order.

Sofiane’s taken pity on him five days in and sometimes lets Eliott borrow his phone to pine over Lucas’ Instagram posts. Granted, Lucas doesn’t post much but the one photo he put up of himself looking bored at the skate park is enough to last Eliott for a few more days.

He’s very much aware that he’s being wildly pathetic, rejecting parties left and right (he already knows they’d be boring anyway), rejecting dates left and right— also potentially boring, but he’s mostly afraid of further proving to himself that Lucas has already ruined him for everyone else and they haven’t even kissed yet— or hugged, for that matter. Pathetic indeed.

On Friday, though, he gives into Idriss’ well-meaning and most likely accidentally set up date with one of his classmates. If only to ward off any suspicions from how weird he’s acting. Adrien’s been side eyeing him a little too much for comfort these days.

So he’s on this date and the guy’s very cute but he’s also talking about American football like it’s a gift from the gods themselves. Eliott knows nothing about American football. This would usually be the time when Eliott would excuse himself to the bathroom and speed google some facts on the subject so as to impress his date. But right now, he doesn’t care about being unimpressive at all.

The guy, Aron, is an exchange student from California— all tanned skin and pretty smiles and endearing accent. He’s probably what the kids these days would call a snack.

It’s too bad Eliott can’t help but think that Lucas’ smaller silhouette would look beautiful against the red backdrop of the massive booths they’re sitting in. How he keeps wishing to brush his hand against soft brown hair every time he glances up, hands lying limp on his lap when he’s met with the blond of Aron’s neatly styled coif instead. The blue of Aron’s eyes isn’t quite deep enough and Eliott can pinpoint exactly which shade it is on his dried up palette at home. He still can’t figure out the right mix for Lucas’.

Anyway, the point is that he’s losing his mind.

When they reach a short lull in conversation, Eliott rushes to say, “I’m just gonna run to the bathroom real quick.” And proceeds to lock himself in a stall, sit on the toilet lid, and stare at the lights blankly.

The bathroom door slams open not long after and Eliott stands up on instinct, ready to remove himself from the vicinity should there be some kind of beef brewing, but only one set of footsteps pace to where the sinks are.

“Hey, you still there?” The person says, presumably into his phone.

Eliott reaches to unlock the stall, he’s had enough eavesdropped conversations to last him a lifetime thank you very much—

“Lulu? Can you hear me clearly?”

You have got to be kidding me. Fate must think this is funny. He must be some kind of joke to the deities or something.

“I’m at work, Lucas,” the guy says regretfully enough and Eliott does pull the stall door open then, keeping his head down as he tugs on the knobs of the sink, washing his hands for lack of any other excuses to stay. “Where’s Yann? Didn’t you guys go together?” The tap shuts off, Eliott reaches for the paper towels. “Oh— oh, damn, good for him but— no, you should stay there and I’ll call your brother okay— what do you mean no? Lucas, shut up you sound shitfaced.”

If Eliott’s learned anything from his accidental sleuthing adventures, it’s that Lucas is a terribly reckless drunk. Finally raising his head, Eliott meets eyes with Lucas’ blond friend through the mirror. It’s admittedly a little funny how he gapes wordlessly at the sight of Eliott.

Not one to miss an opportunity, Eliott takes advantage of the obvious distraction and snatches the phone from the guy’s hand — Arthur, his name tag says — he’ll apologize profusely later but Eliott really doesn’t want a repeat of Lucas going missing for an entire weekend.

“Where are you?” he says into the phone, noting that there’s no blaring music coming from the other line. If Lucas is where Eliott thinks he is right now then at least he’s outside the house already.

“Whoa.” Lucas’ voice is slightly distorted coming from the other line but Eliott still sighs at the first sound of it after the too-long silence. “You’re not Arthur.”

“No, so where are you?”

“Nooo, where are you?” Lucas giggles into the phone and Eliott has to suppress a smile. Fuck, this is serious but Lucas is being an idiot. “You sound like someone I know.” If he’s being this friendly with Eliott then it only means that he’s past the point of tipsy and well into happy drunk territory.

“Wanna take a guess?” Eliott easily dodges when Arthur tries to grab his phone, the latter flinching back in surprise when Eliott has the gall to put a finger to his lips and shush him.

“Mmmm,” Lucas stalls, but Eliott knows he’s got the right answer. He tries not to dwell on the fact that drunk Lucas remembering his voice sends another one of cupid’s arrows straight into his heart. “Weed guy.”

And Eliott laughs, inexplicably happy about that. “Where are you, Lucas?”

“I don’t know…” His syllables drag as he speaks and Eliott hears some shuffling and then a worrying crash, before Lucas’ laughter can be heard from a distance. “There are two blue houses!”

Yeah, Eliott knows exactly where he is. “Stay there, okay?”

“Why?”

“I’m—” But he’s not sure if Lucas would only run off if given that information. “We’ll get you home.” He doesn’t wait for another response, returning the phone back to a stunned Arthur. “Remind him to stay where he is every few minutes, god knows how many times he’ll forget.”

Eliott dashes out the restaurant like a man on a mission, bullshitting about some urgent emergency as he passes by a confused Aron. He feels bad, really, but if he doesn’t trust sober Lucas to follow any given instructions, then he trusts drunk Lucas even less.

When Eliott gets off the bus and jogs the rest of the way to the house, it’s a relief to find Lucas’ hooded figure sitting on the pavement across from where the party is still obviously going strong.

“Lucas.” No answer, Lucas doesn’t even stir. “Lucas, come on, let’s get you home.” He reaches out gingerly, testing the waters by poking at Lucas’ arm.

“Go ‘way,” Lucas says, sounding a lot less friendly than he’d been on the phone.

Eliott looks around and spots two empty beer bottles beside Lucas. He blinks down at them, having a hard time understanding if Lucas is actually even more drunk than he’d been earlier.

“You can’t stay out here.” Eliott sighs, crouching down in front of him.

“Well why not?” Lucas lifts his head off his curled arms, unfocused eyes glaring at a spot just above Eliott’s right ear.

Without much else to do, Eliott sighs again. “Let’s go.” He tries to tug at Lucas’ sleeves to get him to stand, but only succeeds in making Lucas stumble backwards from how fast he tries to get away.

“Don’t touch me, I’m not going anywhere with you.”

Oh god, he’s dealing with a child. “I’ll tell Adrien.”

“You won’t tell Adri shit!” Lucas stands up, finally, but only to walk up to Eliott and point unsteady fingers to his face. “You’re not even supposed to know where I am! He doesn’t even know I like— he doesn’t know you played me! You. Won’t. Tell. Him. Shit.” He pronounces each word with a hard jab to Eliott’s chest.

And okay, fuck, he’s got a point. “Fine, suit yourself.” Eliott steps back, hesitating, but maybe it’ll be smarter to have someone else take Lucas home instead. He turns around, looking through his contacts to see if Sofiane or Idriss would be available.

“Fine!” Lucas screams from behind him and Eliott looks over his shoulder in time to catch Lucas sitting back down on the ground, hands pressed to his eyes.

No. Eliott can’t walk away from him like this again.

Eliott marches back to where he came from and promptly throws Lucas over his shoulder, barely staggering even when Lucas starts kicking and punching as much as his drunken limbs would allow.

“Let me down!”

“Not until you behave yourself.”

“Now!”

“You won’t get anywhere like this and you know it.”

“I fucking—” Lucas slumps down, body steadily getting heavier as he stops struggling in Eliott’s hold. “I hate you,” he mutters softly and that, moronically enough, is what makes Eliott stumble. He tightens his arms around Lucas, pausing to realign his balance. “I hate you,” Lucas continues, sniffing in between words. “Why are you even here? I told you to stop already.”

Eliott slows his walk, Lucas’ hitching breaths sending freezing pelts straight to his chest. They stop moving once they reach a corner, Eliott lowering Lucas down so he can stand on his own two feet, but Lucas immediately curls up, crouching on the ground like standing is too much of a chore at the moment.

“Hey, I’m sorry okay?” he whispers back, bending at the knees so that they’re level with each other. “I promise I just want to get you home safe, that’s it.” He digs around his pockets for his phone, placing the device inside Lucas’ hands once he finds it. “Here, Adrien is speed dial 3, call him any time you feel you need to. I don’t care if he yells at me, I won’t walk away from you again.”

Lucas fiddles with Eliott’s phone, running his thumb along the screen once before clutching it to his chest. “I can’t go home.” He blinks, a tear escaping from his eye.

Eliott brushes it away before he can stop himself. “Why not?”

“My parents think I’m sleeping over at Yann’s and mom will be so disappointed if I come home like this,” he says miserably, more tears running down his cheeks.

Ah. Shit. “Come on, get on my back.”

Once Lucas is settled on his back, now much calmer than earlier, Eliott continues walking, but turns to a different direction this time.

“Where are we going?” Lucas asks drowsily, lips pressed into Eliott’s shoulder.

Where indeed.

Lucas is a near dead weight behind him when Eliott finally gets his door open. It’s a struggle when Lucas refuses to cooperate and lets his legs slide down every time Eliott lets go of them to search for his keys. But eventually they do make it inside.

Eliott drops Lucas as gently as he can on the bed, huffing once he’s successfully done so without cracking any heads in the process.

He roots around his closet for some clothes Lucas can use for the night when the sound of jackets and pants zipping startles him from the task. He turns around, eyes wild, when Lucas starts throwing his clothes — everything— off himself.

Eliott almost wipes out when he slips on a sock in his rush to get to Lucas before the dumbass has the chance to remove his underwear off with his jeans.

“Stop, stop, hey.” Eliott catches Lucas’ hands, laughing when Lucas opens his eyes just to glare at him.

“It’s so hot.”

“It’s really not.” Eliott huffs another laugh, waiting until Lucas’ hands go slack in his before letting go, but he does help remove Lucas’ jeans when it’s clear that the latter is going to stay irritated until they’re off.

It’s a workout to get him to wear a shirt, what with Lucas being hellbent on removing as many clothes as possible. Eliott knows it’s bound to get cold in the middle of the night, though, and he will not be responsible for Lucas catching a cold in his bed.

“You’re so nice,” Lucas mumbles once he’s settled, looking warm and cozy in Eliott’s loose shirt. He’s so fucking cute, and it doesn’t help when Eliott feels those arms sliding around his neck, tugging him forward. Lucas doesn’t use much force to have Eliott following along helplessly, but it’s not like it would ever take all that much to have Eliott willingly inching into his space.

Dredging up whatever’s left of his common sense, Eliott anchors his hands on either side of Lucas to keep somewhat of a distance between them.

He shakes his head, arms trembling not only from the strain of keeping his weight off of Lucas. “No, you’re just drunk.”

Lucas smiles, eyes half mast, still pretty under the hint of moonlight. His fingers brush maddening strokes over Eliott’s hair. “Eliott?”

“Hm?”

“Why have you never kissed me?”

Eliott’s heart thuds a frantic rhythm in his chest. “You never let me, baby.”

The fingers in his hair stop moving, and Lucas’ eyes flutter close, Eliott watching the shadows of his lashes flirt along smooth cheeks. “I’ll let you now.”

“I know,” he whispers, leaning down inch by minuscule inch. Lucas’ breath is warm and smells of alcohol, but Eliott knows he only has to duck down and bury his face in the space between his neck and shoulder to get his fill of the scent he’s truly been missing.

He doesn’t. Maybe in the future he’d have the privilege to do so. Hopefully.

Eliott lets their noses touch, light and fleeting, before he leans up and drops a gentle kiss over Lucas’ forehead.

“Goodnight, Lucas.”

#skam france #elu fic #fictag #take this away from me before I reread #and change it for the 100th time #I wasn't kidding when I said it's 8k of pining #now clearly labelled to avoid '3 scarlet letters' fiasco HAHA

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terra-rizor · 4 years

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Sometimes, you just need an anonymous place to unload. This is that place.

A word of caution: this post is part meandering rant and part redemption tale of a lost adult struggling to let go of youth. Read at your own risk.

I work in tech, and I’ve been thinking a lot about the toxic gate keeping in this industry. I started programming when I was 12 years old, but didn’t go straight into a tech job - out of high school I applied to both major state schools, and got into both schools - one for computer science and one for business. My father really pushed me to study business. Suffice to say I fucking hated it, and ended up majoring in math.

What I really wanted to do at the time was to work as a sound designer - I interned at a recording studio in college - so I moved to Los Angeles to work at a big time studio. I moved back home a year later after my father was diagnosed with lymphocytic leukemia and went through chemo therapy. Throughout my life I’ve been accused of being cold, distant and unattached - but watching someone you care about go through that kind of hell is a real shit sandwich to choke down.

I then spent the next 8 years trying to hack the music industry in my city (with very little success). I worked restaurant jobs to scrape by and pay rent. Eventually this life gets exhausting - especially for an introvert - and I knew I needed a big change. My sister introduced me to a friend of hers who works at a top tech company, and he told me his story of breaking into tech. He suggested I check out some free courses online, and I was once again hooked on what I’d discovered about computers as a kid.

At that very moment I decided to pivot. I spent literally every single waking second outside of my restaurant job (where I worked until 3 AM, 5 days a week) learning how to program again. I created a GitHub account, a Medium blog, and started pushing code daily and blogging weekly. I made every simple app I could think of - a tarot card app, a calculator, a meme generator. Every morning I read posts from FreeCodeCamp and from life hackers on Medium. I knew that there was another world out there, but every night I went in to work and was surrounded by the same bored and uninspired souls who were secretly just as crushed on the inside as I was. The life of success and freedom I desired seemed so far away. I no longer connected with my peers - I was frustrated with the way in which everyone around me just accepted their fate.

6 months later, I approached my family for support and told them I wanted to do this crazy thing called a bootcamp. I made the case that if they could help me stay afloat financially - I would quit my job and spend 15 weeks learning to professionally program and launch a career out of it. They agreed to help. I then put in 10+ hour days, 7 days a week, for 15 weeks. I put in extra work outside of the curriculum learning algorithms and building projects and blogging. People love to shit on bootcamp grads (and I’ve certainly met my share of incompetent bootcampers who came from privilege and rode that shit to the bank on daddy’s money) but going through a program like that is truly one of the best things I’ve ever had the opportunity to do in life and I took full advantage of it.

My girlfriend at the time pretended to be supportive (she would drive me to campus every morning), but on the inside she was seething with rage and jealousy - that I had a way out from the grind while she still felt stuck. The shitty thing was that in my mind, I knew at that point our relationship was already over, and I think she knew it too. We would sit in awkward silence most nights - her watching mind numbing shows on Netflix, me hunched over my laptop hacking away at an idea. We coexisted that way for a few months. 2 weeks after I finished the bootcamp we broke up. Her words still haunt me: the day we broke up she told me, “you’ll never truly be satisfied with anything or anyone. You’ll land a good job, and then after you realize how empty you still feel, you’ll chase the next thing.” Which kind of brings me to a later point.

The next couple of months trying to find a job were difficult, to say the least. Not only was there a lot of pressure financially for this whole plan to work out, but I also had to do it alone.

Back to gate keeping: not only did I discover that there is a *lot* of unfavorable bias towards bootcamp grads - but my lack of “career advancement” in my previous field also hurt me. On top of that, I was told that my “look” would make it harder for me to get hired.

Let’s talk about that for a second, because that shit makes my blood boil (and as it turns out, is completely not true - I just live in a traditionally conservative part of my country). The fact that I (or anyone else for that matter) has piercings /tattoos / body modification/ dresses a certain way has literally nothing to do with the value you can provide a company through code. I’m glad to see a shift away from that mentality, because you can literally work from your underwear at home as a programmer (which I now do frequently). I digress.

I made it to several final round interviews with top tech companies in my area. None of them panned out. “You seem smart and capable but don’t have any experience”. “Your work history isn’t exactly impressive”. It’s this sort of elitist bull shit that ultimately drove me insane, because I would have honestly out hustled and out performed anyone they chose to fill those positions with. Again, I digress.

I ended up taking a job with a startup. At first I was just thrilled to get a shiny maxed out 15” MacBook Pro on day one, and when I got my first paycheck it was more money than I’d ever seen. And then the boredom started to settle in. The project I was assigned to got put on code freeze, and I had to keep coming up with excuses to write code at work. I started to think I could be making more money and working on something more fulfilling at another company.

... and this is the hamster wheel that devs get shoved onto after landing that first job, right? The boredom sets in. Recruiters start to approach you with promises of higher pay, better perks and more exciting tech stacks. Hacking on projects outside of work is the only thing that makes it fun anymore.

Maybe my ex was right. Maybe I’ll never truly be happy, because I will always want something more. I’ll always chase that next level, because it’s the only high that placates me, even for just a short period of time. And at the end of the day, although I make more money and have more freedom - did I really win? Or is it just golden handcuffs?

#software engineering #programming #real life #technology #hustle #self deprecating humor

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msbeccieboo · 5 years

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Arrow 7x17 brain dump

So, this week’s episode was ok. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. I had expected to not really be fussed by this week’s offering and as such wasn’t deeply disappointed. I really missed my Olicity babies in this episode though. The upside of the episode being a bit meh, is that this review didn’t take me 57 years to write, which whilst sick, was a bonus haha!!

Olicity

Olicity weren’t the focus of this episode, but we still managed to get some cute little moments and touches thrown in there. Felicity’s praise when Oliver came back to the lair looking like a prize fighter, was too cute! I love how smitten she still is with him even after all this time, and how bashful and blushing and gorgeous he gets in response is just 😍😍

Source: olicitygifs

We also got a lovely little comfort scene once Oliver realised that Emiko was in fact evil (shocker, I know). Felicity cupping Oliver’s face whilst stroking her baby belly was so damned adorable!!

Source: oliverxfelicity

Continued under the cut

Oliver

Oliver being so open and trusting and just happy to be training with Emiko was so lovely and so heartbreaking because you just knew she would let him down. He mentioned Thea (yay!) and said that she’d always wanted a sister 😭😭 Why does this leave me feeling like Thea is gonna come back and try and kill Emiko??

I also loved seeing Oliver telling people the truth straight up, when asked how he knew about Emiko, listening to Dig’s advice (if not his wife’s) and just being an all-round hopeful bean!! The growth he shows is amazing, it’s just a shame that his hope and faith in his sister didn’t pay off. He so badly wants to be in her life, to help her be good, and in turn redeem the Queen family name in her eyes. His line “If I abandon her now I’m no better than my father” just made me so sad. His parents were so important to him he wants them redeemed, so in turn it can redeem him too (not that he needs it). I don’t think he does, or will, find out just how much of a shitty Dad Robert was to Emiko, which is a shame, as I think it would give him some peace that some things just cannot be redeemed and that it isn’t a reflection on him. He had such faith in Emiko being good, he still didn’t think of her at first when he found the signal jammer in the lair. Even now I think he will continue trying to bring her back, despite Dig’s advice and reminder that sometimes evil siblings are just evil siblings 😂 I hope this isn’t foreshadowing Oliver having to kill Emiko like Dig did with Andy?

Bonus: Oliver shooting all the drones was so damn hot 🔥🔥

Source: legends-of-today

Felicity

Our girl didn’t have a huge role this week, but what we did get was fabulous! Felicity’s little pep talk to herself at the beginning of the episode about having it all was too adorable for words!

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

We got to see the beginnings of Smoak Technologies, along with the first name drop of the company I think? I love that she brought Alena in to be CTO, she gets to have a friend in her company that won’t try and mansplain everything to her at last!! Alena’s reaction is all of us!

Source: felicitysmoakgifs

It was so nice to see her back as Overwatch on the comms, and just generally people being back in the lair! We even got a couple of OTA moments! I loved her “computers will never replace people” line too!

Bonus: Felicity being cute in the lair gives me life!

Source: ebett

Emiko/Robert

This was really Emiko’s villain origin episode. We saw her as a child being evicted and abandoned by Robert, who yet again, proves to be the scum of the earth, and the true villain of the entire series. Upon overhearing that Robert was kicking them out of their home and would no longer support them, the only words of comfort he had for her were “Life isn’t fair, we don’t always get what we want”…Robert Queen was a prize dick!! His reasons for abandoning his family? Moira will take his company, money and kids if he doesn’t. GTFO you philandering old bastard, you made your bed…lie in it! Ugh he was the actual worst!

So as a penniless and possibly homeless 11 year old in Starling City, Emiko naturally turns to a life of crime in order to support her and her mother when she meets Dante. (For the record, I found the younger Emiko far more compelling to watch than the adult version 😬) Dante evidently enrols her into the Ninth Circle, who present her with a gift, as her final induction…the plans to blow up the Queen’s Gambit. She goes back to Robert with a business plan for a new subsidiary of Queen Consolidated, a chance to prove herself to her family and earn some money, and despite the solid plan, Robert wants nothing to do with it, telling her that QC is Oliver’s legacy and that she needs to remain a secret, before leaving her again for his trip on the Gambit. Crestfallen and angry, she doesn’t show him the plans and lets him leave to meet his fate. The horrible irony here is that Emiko would have failed the Ninth Circle’s ‘test’ and saved Robert/Oliver/Sara, had Robert not been such a massive douchenozzle.

I like that they managed to link everything with Emiko back to the Gambit, and they did so without retconning. Malcolm still had the yacht sabotaged, but it looks like he did it via the Ninth Circle. The big ‘twist’ we see at the end of the episode is that Emiko is now, in fact, the leader of the Ninth Circle, not Dante, and as such appears to be the season’s Big Bad. Part of me is like yaaaasss female Big Bad woohoo! But then the way it has come about has been lacklustre to say the least, and we weren’t given the time (or the writing) to get to like Emiko in order to actually care or feel the impact or shock value of her turning on Oliver. Instead we’re just all left feeling a bit meh.

Emiko still seems to have a soft spot for Rene (someone has to I guess) and with both of them being Oliver/Team Arrow traitors, they make a good fit 😜 We also found out that she still hasn’t found her mother’s killer. Maybe if Oliver could help her solve her mother’s murder and Rene keeps making eyes at her she will come back round to the good side??? Doubtful haha, but just a suggestion. The season’s theme is redemption after all!

Black Siren

Whilst Oliver is at home, preparing dinner for wifey (adorbs), he gets a visit from an injured Laurel, looking for Felicity. Instead, she tells Oliver about Emiko killing Diaz, and not being as squeaky clean as he thinks. This, as to be expected, leads to a confrontation between the two, which is interesting, because we all know that Laurel is telling the truth. When accused of having a blind spot for his family, Oliver hits back with “it’s called loyalty, I know that’s a concept you don’t totally understand”. Burn. Their scenes are so much better when they are open in their dislike for each other! Much as I have enjoyed Felicity and BS friendship this season, the petty bitch in me still laughs at Oliver’s clear disdain for her…he didn’t even help her with her wound, just gave her some supplies and left her to it 😂😂 He ‘helps’ her here purely for Felicity’s sake, which is lovely though!

Next, Dinah gets on her arse about doing things by the book, which ordinarily I would agree with, but Dinah is a vigilante herself! And although they are now sanctioned by the SCPD, Dinah has herself coerced witnesses, stolen evidence and violated the law in about a dozen other ways in her pursuit of justice. This is the premise of the show people! The hypocrisy is real! BS is just a little further behind on her journey than Dinah. Dinah later accuses BS of killing the gangster guy (I wasn’t really paying attention to who he was), bringing up her killing Vinnie, which immediately gets her back up. BS says that she has earned the benefit of the doubt, which I agree with to an extent. Dinah then effectively washes her hands of her.

I can empathise with BS for trying to do the right thing, and not being believed/trusted by anyone. I think it was intentional to not see a scene with her and Felicity this week, so as to keep her feeling isolated, whereas Felicity would have believed/reassured her. Felicity even defended her in the bunker to Rene. The episode finishes up with Emiko ‘outing’ her to the press, and ‘setting her free’ to be evil again. This will all set up her apparent return to her evil roots next week. I think she will ultimately end up being redeemed. We know (I think we know?) she is leaving for good after next week’s episode, so hopefully she will go back off to Earth 2 or something like that to become Black Canary there, and she can take all her little comic book friends with her, and everyone will be happy!

Other stuff

The drone attack in this episode was a practice run. Is this sarin gas attack going to be the thing that brings down the city, and causes it to turn on Oliver and the team?

Was the episode synopsis written whilst on crack?? I know we all laughed a little bit when we first saw how it was worded, but after watching the episode it was literally nothing like what actually happened??

Why on earth did they bring in Highlander, just for him to end up being Emiko’s lackey?? It’s like Cayden James/Michael Emerson being usurped by Diaz all over again!

Source: arrowdaily

I miss the flash-forwards!! I need me some Mia/William/Felicity goodness now please!!!

Anyway thank you as always to the gifmakers. Fabulous work as ever! 💗

#Arrow #Arrow 7x17 #arrow season 7 #Olicity #beccie's brain

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purplesurveys · 5 years

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483

Is there a bus stop near your house?: No, buses don’t stop around my area and I only ever see them on EDSA, which is like the main highway of Metro Manila.

Do you prefer red wine or white wine?: I hate the shit out of wine but if I absolutely had to drink some, it has to be red. And it has to be more sweet than bitter.

What’s the last airport you were at? Why were you there?: NAIA. I’m literally at the Starbucks right across the airport right now because my mom is arriving from Hong Kong in an hour and I have to pick her up.

Who do you live with?: I live with my family. That’s a mom, a dad, a brother, a sister, a cat, and a dog.

Do you read reddit? If so, how often and what subreddits do you like?: Yessssss all the time. I always browse through the Popular filter since it already compiles the best recent posts, but I’m a huge fan of the r/AmITheAsshole subreddit. People who turn out to be the assholes are hilaaaaarious.

Have you recently broken up with a significant other or even just a friend?: No. I ‘broke up’ with Aya as a friend when she was being abusive to Jo, but she’s since started working on getting better and has apologized to our friend group, so she’s back on my good side.

What’s the weather like today? Is it nice enough to go outside?: It’s 29ºC. I’m glad we’re not in the 30s, but I don’t appreciate how warm it still is.

Do you know anyone who’s had a baby recently?: As far as I know, no.

Have you used a pen or pencil today? What did you write down?: [continued from earlier because I had to pick my mom up lmao] Yes, I used a pen today. It was to write my name on a requirement that I needed to submit to complete my class.

What does your last text message say and who is it from?: "Can I call?” from my girlfriend.

Can you count how many times you’ve seen your favourite film?: Must be near a hundred. I talked about this in a recent survey but there was a time I watched Two for the Road everyday for like 2-3 months. I still make it a point to watch it several times a year.

When was the last time you ate marshmallows?: I have no idea. I don’t like marshmallows; I’ve always hated the texture.

Do you listen to any podcasts? How do you listen to them?: Uhhh no, not really. If I REALLY REALLY like the guest, I’ll sometimes listen to Colt Cabana’s Art of Wrestling or Chris Jericho’s Talk is Jericho. But other than that, I’d rather watch YouTube videos.

How old will you be in the year 2030?: 32.

How often does the kettle in your house get used?: My mom never got one.

Does your skin bruise easily? Do you have any bruises right now? What from?: Yep, super. I don’t have a bruise right now but I do have a mysterious cut below my right knee. Have absolutely no idea where it came from, but apparently whatever cut it cut it deep and it hurts.

What was the last thing you spent $150 or more on?: I’ve never spent that amount of money on anything.

Do you prefer yes or no questions or more open-ended questions?: Open-ended. If I sense that a survey is becoming too yes-or-no I usually quit it halfway; it’s too boring.

What brand of toilet paper do you usually buy?: My mom buys the toiletries so I’m not aware of what brands she gets.

If I knocked on your door right now, would you be acceptable dressed?: Yes. I just got home and haven’t changed out of my jumpsuit.

Why did you leave your last job?: Never had one.

What colour were the last socks you wore?: It’s like a faded green.

Are you studying currently? What level of education and what do you study?: Yep! I’m an incoming senior in my BA in Journalism.

Have you ever eaten at a restaurant and left without paying?: No, that’s terrible.

What was the last thing that made you laugh out loud?: Probably something from Buzzfeed Unsolved cause I’ve been rewatching it lately.

What’s your favourite scent of air freshener?: Meh, I prefer the natural car smell. Scents make me dizzy.

How many weddings have you ever been to?: Four, I think. All of those when I was a kid; I haven’t been to a wedding since 2007.

Do you know anyone named Nora?: I don’t think so.

Are your hands and feet in good condition or could you do with a mani-pedi? My fingernails can be trimmed, but it’s not like a mess or anything. When was the last time you played a board game? What did you play?: We played a math version of Scrabble when we stayed over at Laurice’s house. I’ve never seen a game like it before lmfaaaaao it was so intense.

Have you ever been to a festival for beer or other type of alcohol?: Nope. I don’t think that would be my kind of scene, either.

Do you own a record player and/or vinyls?: I don’t have a record player so I don’t have vinyls.

When was the last time you went out for drinks?: Third week of May. Have you ever been to a strip club?: NO I really want to go to one though.

What’s your favourite kind of smoothie?: I don’t take smoothies.

Do you know anyone with a ‘virtue name’? (Google it): Hmm I don’t think so, but I know someone who wants to name their kid Prudence.

Would you ever wear real authentic leather?: Never.

Have you taken out the trash today?: Nope, I don’t do that around the house. How often do you wear make-up?: Very seldom. I had my face made up several times over the last few months because Kate sometimes gets bored and she’d want to give me a makeover, but other than that, I rarely get my face done for events.

What’s your opinion on The Simpsons?: I have a very soft spot for that episode where Homer sits on the hood of his car and looks at the stars after he separated from his mom. I don’t keep track of the rest of the show.

Do you prefer horizontal or vertical stripes?: Horizontal. I don’t think I’ve ever worn vertical ones before.

What’s your favourite brand of deodorant/antiperspirant?: I don’t have a favorite.

Do you know anyone who has been through a divorce?: No. We don’t have divorce in the Philippines. So it’s not because all the couples I know are staying strong – it’s literally because no one is allowed to divorce by law.

If you had the money, would you take taxis everywhere instead of driving?: No, taxi drivers can be creepy. I’d rather drive by myself.

Have you ever done a juice cleanse?: Nope. I don’t need it.

Do you have any friends who you can’t decide if they’re attractive or not?: HAHAHAHAHA WTF, that’s so messed up and such a shitty thing to do. Is the inside of your fridge clean right now or does it need a clean out?: It’s always clean. My mom doesn’t let any spot in the house go messy for long.

When was the last time you washed the dishes?: This morning before I left the house.

Are there any magazines that you read on a regular basis?: Nope, I haven’t read one in months.

Do you have to pay for parking in most places in the town/city you live in?: No, not in Antipolo. That’s why I love it here. Once I get to the city though we do have to pay for everything, yes.

What’s the first thing you tend to do when you have a headache?: Take a Biogesic. Takes it out immediately.

Tell me about your responsibilities at work.: I don’t have a legit job yet, but at my latest internship I did news monitoring, press releases, research, and made briefing forms for the media.

Can you hear lots of traffic from your house? Does it bother you?: No. I live in a gated subdivision so it is very quiet here. Have you ever had proper Canadian poutine with the squeaky cheese?: I have never tried poutine, what a damn shame. I wish I can encounter a restaurant that serves it cause it looks SO GOOD. Canadian cuisine is not very prominent here though so idk when I can ever get an authentic serving of poutine :(

Do your parents know how to operate smartphones and/or computers?: My dad is very techy, more so than me. My mom uses her phone for her Facebook and camera and nothing else. She still asks me to Google stuff for her even if her Chrome app is right beside Facebook.

How old are your parents, anyway?: My mom and dad are both 1971 babies so they are turning 48 this year.

Are you allergic to anything? What do you have to do to prevent them?: No. My skin can get very allergic to the environment (especially if it’s humid), but it’s not an allergy or anything.

What song is stuck in your head at the moment?: I haven’t been thinking of a song.

Do you hate it when people try really hard, or do you kinda like it?: Idk how to feel about them...like sometimes I’d think it’s hilarious but other times I’d feel sorry and just cringe. But I’m certain I don’t hate it.

What’s your boss’ first name? Do you call him/her by that name?: My boss at internship is named Dessa. I call her that but I address her with Ms. before her name too so that it’s respectful.

When was the last time you wore a uniform of any kind? What colour was it? I wore my old school uniform last year for funsies because I spotted it in our storage closet and felt a little nostalgic. No reason to wear it, just wanted to mess around. The blouse ws white, the necktie and skirt are plaid.

Do you complete a survey before taking this one? Will you take one after?: No. After this, I’m torn among a) getting a midnight snack, b) taking another survey, and c) watching RuPaul’s Drag Race since I started getting into it last night, hahaha. Have you ever lost enough weight to drop a dress size?: I probably have, except I wasn’t actively trying to achieve that.

What’s your favourite kind of bread?: White and brioche.

When was the last time you got pizza? What toppings did you get?: Last Thursday. We got a cheese pizza and a barbecue chicken pizza.

Do you own Monopoly? Is it the original or a special version?: We don’t. I don’t know how to play Monopoly haha it always seemed just so boring to me.

What was the last thing you said out loud?: "Whatcha doing?”

You have to choose one: cats or dogs?: Dogs.

Would someone being either a cat or dog person affect you dating them?: It probably would. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who wants to own a cat with me. I love cats but I would never want them as a pet.

How do you travel to and from work?: I drive myself always. I don’t work yet, though.

Do you primarily use cash or card for your purchases? Why?: Cash, because I don’t have a card.

Have you ever been to a stadium concert?: I’ve been to arena concerts, if they mean the same thing lmao.

#survey #surveys

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bloojayoolie · 5 years

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Anime, Apparently, and Ass: File: furies ipg (405 KB, 1296x968) 631157670 631165562 >»631166037 Anonymous 07/29/15(Wed)08:18:07 No.631156939 Alright boys, sit down for a tale of the most Autistic kid I have ever had the displeasure of running into Wolfman Greg >Re me >Be 16, around 2000 a popular kid either Kinda did my cwn thing really >Shared World History with this kid >His name was Greg il from arace and into autism >Greg at this point was quiet, and reserved, never did anything to get bullied >Especially after Columbine >Fnday b g to change soon >That Monday >Apparently Greg's parents had bought him a computer, and an Intenet connection sHe hvigusly hadn't showered at all since friday >He didn't really pay attention during class and was mostly drawing in his notebook >His smell was palpable Grea collected his things and headed for the door >Not before he bumped into a guy named Mike kewas hot pleased with Greg's odor >Greg stood silent for a moment >And then he did it Mike iust ushed Grea out of the way and made his way into the hallway and walked to his next class >The rest of the kids gave Greq a strange room for the rest of the day 631160061 631160215 631165562 >631165642 631165921 Anonymous 07/29/15(Wed)08:26:44 No.631158773 File: 1437110427545.ipg (418 KB. 1955x2048) day Appars sinstead he bought a gray hoodie, and some cloth >And sewed some years to the hood >At least he showered this time Greg didn't do his homework the night before >The teac her was this really nice vegan lady from Oregon >She was a little pushy with homework but that was it really ork to be passed up front >She askd theirs >"Greg? Where's your homework? >Silence 3She anproached his desk >The room was stranoely tense, before this Grea was a good student >She was standing at Greg's desk 3She reached out for a niece of paper she assumed was his homework >And then he snapped at her >Not like screaming or yelling, but he he bite her >The teacher gasped >Grea just got up and Naruto ran out of the room hing before and we were really taken aback by him trying to bite the teacher, but the way he ran >No one saw Greg for the rest >Apparently he got on a table, curled up into a ball and tried to nap Indian man in charge didn't care enough to bother him of the day until one of the Stoner kids reported seeing Greq in after school detention Anonymous 07/29/15(Wed)08:35:48 No.631160463 File: 1432672843827 ipg (1.79 MB, 5000x5000) 631160790 >631161301631165562 >Wednesday >Greg apparently wanted to make it up to the teacher euse er rold broke down vcle SOneele >She had what was left of a bug on her cheek that she missed She walked into class ten minutes after class started >She apologized for her being late >Greg walked up to her >Hood up >Shitty cloth ears flopping >She looked at him puzzled ant to tell me Greg? She was probably hoping for an apoloqy >Greg grabbed her face paper in his hand He nad lold And licked her cheek >And the bug quts too Grea then tueked the nanor into her breast pocket and sat back down >The teacher, as a testament to her character, pretended that never happened >The class went on as normal verge of tears the entire time while we were talking about the Boxer Rebellion When the bell rang again, Greg bolted full Naruto style out of the room >His hoodie came loose and fell off hair >Revealing a really shitty attempt at anime >After school as I was walking home I saw our US History teacher talking to the school cop >With her equally vegan and upset boyfriend there too We didn't see Grea for two weeks after that Anonymous 07/29/15(Wed)08:47:48 No.631162869 File: Scared ipg (67 KB, 656x584) 631163694631164020 631164078631164239631165562 Thursday, two weeks after the incident >Grea was back >If you think he was bad after a weekend of early 2000s Internet, Greg has been SCARED He clearly hadn't showered, at all He looked like he slept, ate and shat in the gray eared hoodie He reoked very poorly made tail to the back d >By this time we we The teacher decided to hold class outdoors for once to demonstrate some things >As soon as we got outside, everyone put themselves up wind of Greg Evnthing was coing fine we were discussing the Battle of Somme in the gentle Arizona winter Greg, what are you doing? >All eyes shot to Greg to see what horror we were about to witness with one hand in th He didn't andwor >Everyone turned back to our teacher PAnd then the digging got more ferocious e grounds keepers worked really hard to grow that grass!" >No answer, he kept digging Greg!" tensified Grestop ar Still nothing Mike stood up and started walking towards Greg to stop him had a foot deep hole about square foot wide >Fvervone stonned >Their faces when >Greg tumed around SAnd started to poo >Oh God the stench Evione flinned and oot as far away from him as possible >Greg managed to fill the entire hole up >He then lifted his pants And then buried it >The 9/10 goth girl fainted Greg got sent to the office And was sent home for the day 631164732 631164845631164983 631165088 631165130631165135631165162631165268631165307 Anonymous 07/29/15(Wed)08:56.32 No.631164486 631185639 22631166136 File: XaviOda jpg (19 KB, 320x240) Friday >Greg was tolerable that day, nothing happened The following Monday to class >Like realy late >The poor teacher marked him absent >Half way through the treaty of Versailles quess who showed up >And the horrar >We didn't see it at first, or for the next ten minutes we heard it Acnch >And not the normal granola kind >Like the wet, gross kind iting into a bone would make >The girl in front of Grea turneod around >She flipped her shit Greg what the fuckl" SA half eaten bird >He was late bec ause of this l aleo wotod to throw because he managed to catch a bird, kill it, and partially eat it The teacher approached him and attempted >Greg wasn't having it rescue the poor avian creature from this kid >A had o landed a bite on her >Mike had enough of this shit >Before he could react though Greg through his meal at him >The distraction worked o over a desk >He failed and landed face first on the tile >Luckily he had enough time to get up, spit out some blood and Naruto run out of the room eneheied te wcks of school bec ause of an infection though 31166912631166935631166956 631167039 22631167068 631167080 6311 Anonymous 07/29/15(Wed)09:06:19 No.631166557 ile: 1437626420912.ipg (298 KB, 1024x768) >About a week into our poor teacher's absence >The substitute put us in the computer lab to research some shit: Thanks to her fatness and her odor, she was immune to Greq's smell barrier >Qur schedule was fucked that day >They were having a assembly for 8th graders that would be attending next vear >So we only had our first class that >For eight hours We broke for lunch, nothing weird happened with Greg, yet. Swhen we got back though, shit started happening >Evervone had the post lunch sleepies >Half the class was napping at their terminals was helping the 9/10 aoth gid work on her Horror novel >Wasn't too bad except for some grammar errors >And we were flirting >The substitute fell asleep at some point, leaving Greg free to do as he pleased >And he was really pleasing himself T happened to glance up and catch it >Grea was jacking it pretty hard >He must have just started because no one seems to have noticed yet ou stanng a- OH MY GOD >The aoth gid This in tum drew attention to Greg Who happened to start climaxing >The next five seconds was beautiful the Grea nanicked mid cu >Instead of tuning off the computer a pushed the monitor off the desk p getting cum every the tard wranglers e ended >He was transferred out of regular classes >But this was not the end of Wolfman Greg d)09:19.31 No.,631168892 250x213) 29. File: 14315458 10401 gif (1.5 MB We went a month without Greg shenanigans l even managed to sleep with the goth girl a couple of times outside of class >He didn't speak much, but we nicknamed him "8 Ball 8 Ball didn't take Greg's shit, except for letting him growl or whine once in a while the end of Junior year we thought we had heard the last of Wolfman Greg >None >l unch time l was sitting with the Goth Girl, Marian and her gaggle of dark brooding sisters tables were >We were talking about Poe when it happened >The doors to the tard building burst open was Greg I watch him sprint out, howling >8 Ball no where to be seen en Grea wondered around for a hit before singling out prev This noor shy gid named Marissa >He snuck up behind her >Oh God dher to the table >And pretended to mount her >He had his dick out and was rubbing it on the back Wing like a woll te cattered f her sweater This had to be the final straw >This went on for what felt like forever 8 Ball finaly ehowed un after getting Arby's >Greg was expelled after this and labeled a sex offender >Marissa dropped out >That was the end of Wolfman Grea for high school I have ONE more, this happened six months ago Anonymous 07/29/15(Wed)09.31:26 No.631171137 File: LTXeu.ipg (127 KB, 800x853) Greg was allowed to join our class. Not join me in hitting that sweet pale ass in the back, and n the hood of my old CRX. I can drop that green text if omvone's interoster Six months ago seeing Greg He had left my mind entirelv >Driving through my old town to visit my folks >Then I see it >is that? >No fucking way >Holy shit its Tucking Greg Lom in furkino aw that he's got a sweet scooter and I'm on a second had liter bike >Nearly rear end a taxi >He pulls up next to me sna lcan fucking smell him through my helmet l nearly puke >Manage to distance myself from him and get to my parents place >Decide to meet up with some old friends for a nde >Step outside fucking Vespa in the neiahbor's drive wav >No >lgnore it and go cruise w hours later sVesna still th >Please no >Greg lives next door to my folks now Facebook Grea's folks died and he inherted a large chunk of change >Bought the house next to my parents > Is a complete neet. 1/2 A File: 1427957849766 ong (97 K s 07/29/15(Wed)09:38:56 No.631172339M 460x470) 631171137 anything but browse the Internet probably and do Wolfman things >Try to not let this crush my soul and crawl into my old bunk bed to sleep for the night >As l'm drifting off to the though of making the Goth Girl of yesteryear swallow my cum and calling it st'e furking howling >God dammit Greg >My boner is ruined It's loud too ing howling keeps me up until 3am L finaly fell asleep Wake up the next moming 60 through the day with my folks a shell of my formor self >lt happens aqgain >The terror is replaced with rage no window This is it "Greal It's 11 o'clock at night! I have to >Slam window home tomorrow and I need sleep! SHUT THE FUCK UP" SFall asleep and leave the next moming >A few months later mom calls me The cops entered Greg's home due to a smell complaint >Crea was deod >I inadvertently got him to kill himself ut the bou tom don It's now an empty lot >But I, and hundreds of others still remember Wolfman Greg God speed, vou magnificent. early furry trash bastard. Wolf man Greg

#funny #lol #humor #memes #meme #memehumor #dank memes #funny pics #rolf #lmao #Anime #Apparently #an

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horrordirtbag · 5 years

Text

freddy vs jason appreciation hours

This gon be a long ass post, summary at the bottom

Okay so basically this movie gets shidded the fuck on and y’know what I think too harshly. I think it did an amazing job bringing all of our slasher wet-dreams to life. And that’s one thing I really wanna stress throughout my incoherent internet rambling: bringing to life our fantasy. Cuz, y’see, I used to think this movie was garbo like many others, until like 4 years ago when I was watching it during a Halloween marathon, and I looked up from my computer and just saw Freddy and Jason, two of my favorite characters of all time, on the same screen together, beating the living shit out of each other. All my issues with it just kinda melted away and I really appreciated what I was looking at, and since then it climbed from the bottom of my list to easily in my top 5 for both franchises.

The fact that this movie even got made is a miracle. I’m just grateful that we even got to see this match brought to life at all. Just overcoming the rights issue between two major companies was a major hurdle to cross. Once that was settled, they could have just slapped together any shitty old movie they wanted and made a gazillion bucks no matter what. The title alone, Freddy vs Jason, would sell tickets, even if the actual movie was just two hand puppets smacking eachother for an hour and a half. But, no. New Line acquired the rights to Jason around 1992, and they immediately began work on the crossover. The only reason they made Jason Goes to Hell was because they had to wait for Wes Craven to finish New Nightmare first. That’s 11 years of development hell. They went through 10 scripts before they found one they liked, not to mention an innumerable amount of pitches. That’s an incredible amount of effort for a cheap slasher film. They spent thousands on the project before it even went into pre-production. Michael De Luca, the president of production at New Line, was an extreme fan of both franchises and really wanted to get it right. New Line Cinema get’s a lot of flack for it’s treatment of the Friday franchise, and yeah, when you send Jason up his sisters coochie and into outerspace I can see why, but after reading more into the companies history with Jason, I don’t get the impression it was all cynicism. Even if you think the final product is dookie, you gotta give them some credit for the amount of dedication they put in for this project. And, you gotta remember, even though they produced far better films, Paramount was pretty much ashamed of their creation and ditched it as soon as it began making them less money.

Now I’m gonna talk about some of the actual problems with the movie itself. The main two are also both directed at our maggot-infested son. If you’re as much of a raging fan as I am to the point where you write essays for like 10 people to read on a website that hates tiddies you already know what I’m talking about. Let’s start with the fear-of-water debacle. This part pisses off the Friday camp, and for good reason. Any quick look at the past 10 movies shows you it’s just not true. Jason practically exists in water. He’s like the human version of Godzilla. But, in reality, Jason was never afraid of water in the movie. The screenplay writers have confirmed that it wasn’t a fear of water itself, but of drowning. And, well, we know that Jason shouldn’t be afraid of that either, being chained to the bottom of a lake for years on end’n all. But, even then, it’s not quite that simple. What Freddy is doing is exploiting Jason’s subconscious mind and the memory of the last time Jason ever felt fear: when he was a child, drowning. This is why Jason reverts back to a child, and then Freddy returns to the memory of his drowning in 1957. Ronny Yu went a much more metaphoric route in portraying this, but you can still kind of make it out. If you notice, even Jason seems surprised at his sudden refusal to chop through the stream of water. It’s not like he didn’t see it before he pulled his arm back. And, then, immediately after, we see Jason wading through Crystal Lake dragging a body, and at the end of the movie raises out of the water in New Blood fashion. So, it’s clear that even in the same movie, Jason was never intended to be afraid of water. Now, let’s talk about our gift-from-god Kane Hodder. As much as I love the final film, I hate how New Line treated our star man. This is the one thing I can’t really defend about the movie. No one still really knows why Kane was dropped, everyone involved just pointing fingers at each other, probably because whoever really did make the decision is afraid of Kane’s tree trunk arms. Even Sean Cunningham and other people deeply involved with the project were shocked they didn’t use Kane. For my two cents, I don’t think it’s one person or one specific reason to point to, but rather a whole bunch. In large part, I think Ronny Yu not being a fan of the franchise prior has a lot to do with it. He just didn’t realize that Kane was so beloved by the fanbase. Ken Kirzinger said that he initially auditioned to be stunt coordinator, and Ronny immediately asked him to play Jason, saying something around the lines of “you’re exactly what I’m looking for.” I can see why New Line would want someone with no connection to the franchises, as to bring in a fresh take, but for something like this, which is pretty much just a fanboy movie, it would have been better to grab someone who was also a fan. As to why New Line didn’t tell Kane Hodder they were going with someone else, I dunno. We probably will never know who was responsible for that lol. As disappointing as it is, I think Ken did a fine job (although I think he was a little too stiff), and I don’t think we should dismiss the entire film for it alone. This post is getting way longer than I anticipated. If you’re still here, hi, I hope your day is going well. Those art the only complaints, though, of course. Something I hear often is that the final fight is fantastic, but the rest of the movie sucks. I can’t really argue with that since it’s really vague, but I can say that, to me, the rest of the movie is great fun. Even if Freddy only has one kill, he has plenty of screen-time, all pretty good (and the one kill he does get in is great). And Jason’s stuff is all great too. The cornfield rave, the hospital chase, all good shid imo. But really that just comes down to personal taste. Another thing I can’t really argue about are the characters being bland. Yeah, not much to say there. But honestly, I don’t think they’re terrible by any means (Kia dropping the f-bomb is tho). I have a feeling this complaint comes more from the Nightmare camp, since that series is home to much more compelling characters. Being more of a Friday fan, it just doesn’t bother me. 11 movies in, I’m used to bland characters lmao. Although, I do think Mark was a pretty interesting character. His relationship with his brother is pretty great. One strange phenomenon I also see is that Freddy fans tend to complain that it feels too much like a Friday the 13th movie, while Jason fans say it feels too much like A Nightmare on Elm Street movie. And it’s not just me, either; this is also discussed briefly in Dustin McNeill’s fantastic book Slash of the Titans: The Road to Freddy vs Jason. If anything, this just feels like a testament to how well the movie blended the tones of both franchises. The movie does also get too silly at times, but I think they did a decent job of reigning Freddy’s goofiness back to, I’d say, Nightmare 4 levels. Which is alright by me. nOW ONTO THE GOOD SHIT, We’re almost there. I swear. As I just mentioned, the movie masterfully blends both franchises. The movie has the plot of a Nightmare film, with Freddy pulling the strings, but has the bodycount (and characters lol) of a Jason film. Just because the plot is very Freddy oriented doesn’t mean Jason is left in his shadow, and just because Jason gets most of the kills doesn’t mean Freddy doesn’t get his time to shine either (the movie has plenty of Nightmare sequences, even if he only kills one). Complaints about Freddy only getting one kill are odd to me, since that’s the entire point of the movie. Jason is stealing Freddy’s kills. The ending, really, symbolizes what I mean. It’s the best possible way to end it. Jason rises from the water, holding Freddy’s head, making you think he’s the victor, but- nope! Freddy winks at the camera, and then the Nightmare jingle plays, mixed in with Jason’s iconic ki ki ki ma ma ma, perfectly balancing both franchises. I’ve seen people complain about the ending, but I honestly think it’s genius. If you had Jason win, Friday fans would be mad; if you had Freddy win, Nightmare fans would be mad. Instead, not only is it really cool, but with the ending we got, the viewers themselves are allowed to decide who won, no answer being particularly wrong. To this day, people still debate who came out victorious. Beyond that, the plot itself is such a great way to bring both characters together. Previous scripts had such convoluted ways of doing so, some involving the Apocalypse, some going meta like New Nightmare, and some just making no fucking sense at all. The Shannon/Swift draft does such a great job of keeping it simple. I love the idea of Springwood covering up Freddy’s existence, rendering him powerless. Not only is it the closest anyone’s ever gotten to actually defeating Freddy, but it also presents to the viewer a complex moral dilemma. Locking the kids away in Westin Hills is horribly cruel, unable to even see their family, but at the same time, if they didn’t, more kids would die at Freddy’s hand. To me, it’s really interesting. The final thing I have to say, is that it’s just a boat load of fun. You can’t not have a fan orgasm watching the final battle (although they really shouldn’t have had Laurie interrupt the fight). It’s literally everything I ever wanted lmao, and I’m just eternally grateful that we got to see this match play out on our screens rather than just our minds before Robert Englund got too old. Again, seeing two of my favorite characters ever on the same screen is just awesome. In my opinion, I think it’s the best crossover-versus movie out there. Some people just don’t like the movie and that’s fine, you can’t please everyone. I’m just dishing out why I love it so much, since it’s so vastly regarded as one of the worst of the series. You don’t see too much love out there for it, so I thought I’d spice it up. TL:DR, I think this movie was such a wonderful love letter to the fans, and while it’s far from perfect, I think people really need to give it a second chance and look at it from a different perspective. It wasn’t made cynically, it wasn’t disrespectful to Jason, and it did a great job of bringing our fanboy and fangirl fantasies to life.

#freddy vs jason #jason voorhees #freddy krueger #friday the 13th #a nightmare on elm street #new line cinema #this was long as fuck #slash of the titans: the road to freddy vs jason

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storiesbyaya · 5 years

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Story Of A Hero - 19

{First}{Previous}{Mobile}{Next}

“No, you should do it.” “Why? You came across it!” “Because you’re more eloquent than me?” “It may seem confrontational if I do it!”

Wesley trudged in from school to hear Kero and Bayesh, hushedly arguing between themselves over something. It wasn’t a fight- but they couldn’t seem to agree on something, and so Wesley curiously poked his head in. “Hey! What’s up?” he asked, intending to maybe help them break the stalemate… But instead they suddenly stopped, like deer caught in headlights. The awkward silence continued until Wesley spread his arms in a ‘what?’ gesture. Kero cleared his throat. “I- uh, caught wind of an awesome opportunity and immediately thought of you.” “And you’re… arguing about it…?” Wesley asked, not understanding. “We were trying to find a way to tell you that wouldn’t make it sound as if we are trying to force you to get a job or something of the likes.” “Because we aren’t.” “Right, we did not open our home to you expecting you to pay us or something.” “I just think it’s a neat opportunity- I’d feel really shitty if I didn’t tell you about it.”

“The Justinia Conservation Aquarium is hiring tour guides and Children’s workshop guides,” said William, poking his head into the kitchen. Both kero and Bayesh turned to him, each slightly horrified, but their son just shrugged. “What? You guys were just going to keep stalling and never actually get to the point,” he added, and nonchalantly grabbed an apple, before scurrying back off into his room. Flabergasted, they watched him walk away. It was only when he was out of view did the couple speak. “Uh- yeah, so. Aquarium’s hiring. Will said you guys had a great time chatting about watery stuff-” “And we believe that such a job would compliment your studies… Not that, of course, we are trying to discourage you from continuing your training or anything!” Wesley gave a fond laugh. “I’ll look into it,” he assured them. “Thank you.”

------

Upstairs William hopped back into his desk chair. Beside him, Harley was curled up beneath the window, tail swishing. “Have you noticed? Percy’s grades have been steadily improving since we first started our training,” she said. “Yeah, now that you mention it… I guess he took dad pretty seriously when he said we needed to keep up our grades,” he said. “And you! You seem much happier lately, and you’ve been making good progress with your own research,” she added. William went from smiling to suspicious, and looked over to her. That tail swish. It was scheming. Pierce did it all the time. “Yes? Where’d this come from all of a sudden?” he asked. She looked up at him, seeming pleased with herself. “What time is it?” she asked sweetly. William’s eyes widened and he picked up his phone. “Heck! Heck, heck, heck!! I forgot about that entirely,” he shouted, almost toppling over the computer chair while he tried to find the socks he’d discarded upon his arrival home. It was Thursday, not Wednesday! He was late! William, in a hurried panic, passed Wesley as he was going up the stairs and apologized. “What’s got you in such a rush?” Wesley asked him. “Biomed presentation at the Sci-tech museum tonight!” he exclaimed, hopping this way and that trying to get his foot in his boots. “Oh right! Do you want me to drive you, kiddo?” Kero asked from the kitchen. “That would be very nice, yes! Please!” he replied. Kero gave a shrug, kissed Bayesh on the cheek, then grabbed his coats and keys. William followed him out the side door into the garage, hopping into the front seat. He turned on the seat warmer, looking very pleased.

“Guessin; we also gotta pick up Wright?” “Right,” William agreed, nodding. “Wright, that’s what I said.” William groaned, but Kero let out an amused laugh.

The ride was silent for a little while, until William decided now was the best time he’d ever get to ask a question that had been on his mind for a while. “Hey dad? Can I ask you something… Kind of weird?” Kero, ever the dad, was going to make a joke about how that question was, in and of itself, but seeing the serious scowl on William’s face, he decided against the joke. “Of course,” he said encouragingly, and was glad he had when he heard what was on the young teen’s mind.

“I always wondered, but...With recent events, it kind of…reminded me. You took us in, and back then I was too young to really handle what was all going on around me. There were a lot of things people didn’t tell me, right? And most stuff, I just had to hear on my own growing up… You know how people can be, blowing things out of proportion or hiding things. Guess I just want to hear what actually happened… And what made you chose to take /us/ in.” Kero bit his lip, but let out a sigh. He figured that, one day, William would ask. It wasn’t like they’d tried to hide anything from him, but it was kind of hard to hide articles and television reports anyways, especially from such a clever child.

It was different to read something than it was to hear it from people involved. “Second question’s easy. You know we were there when things came to a head, but I literally carried your sister out of that building. The rest is… a little more complex.”

It didn’t see all that complex. Some scientist grew a conscious, blew the whistle on the shady and unethical practices- Conducted on children no less, people rioted, stormed the building, and it collapsed.

Most people were content with this version of the truth- Not exactly wrong, but there was a deeper layer to all of it, one that started far before the riot and subsequent collapse.

The real story began decades before that day. Adex had suddenly appeared,a symbiotic alien life force that fused with human hosts. They were a new mystery, and humans did what they always did with new things. A research facility opened in Cassfeld, with the Kray family as owners, and was eventually passed to the founder’s son, Eric Kray and his wife, Caroline Whynn-Kray.

Did they just not know that Adex were sentient beings that could feel, or did they just not care? Breaking them into pieces as if they were nothing but weird magical rocks, performing all sorts of tests… By the time Eric and Caroline took over, the adex were a little bit more understood. There were people who’d naturally fused with them outside of the labs, and they realized that these things allowed humans to do things they could only dream of. People they were taking off the streets to experiment on, thanks to a little clever police bribing. Dollar signs shone in their eyes. So many people wanted super powers of their own, funding poured in, strings were pulled… But no matter what they tried, forced fusion just didn’t seem possible. What allowed them to put two and two together to realize that Adex caused actual changes in a person, and that those changes to a body were made hand-in-hand with puberty, God only knows. That meant that only pre-pubescent children were compatible with forced fusion. Meaning invasive procedures on children. Some were willing, yet ill informed, and some were not; taken from juvenile detention centers or from poor families with the promise of compensation. There were even some of the previous funders who volunteered their children to go through the process since they couldn’t. And then? Herded like sheep into small rooms, branded with numbers, treated like lab rats, constantly poked and prodded. All of that seemed like a walk in the park compared to what they did next- Some experiments resulted in Meirs, that they then put these newly operated upon children against, to push them to their limits, to see just what they could do- All this,without really being certain what abilities would bloom, whether or not they would even be able to keep the child safe, no fail safes in place, and even no idea whether the process had worked.

An anonymous tip revealed this to the press. The ensuing riot was probably the most united Cassfeld had ever been on a subject. Not just parents who had been lied to, or had their children stolen, but everyone, people from all walks of life. Cassfeld was out for blood. They didn’t just want the Krays, but everyone who had worked on the project- juliet Valentine, Isaac Belladonna-

-- “Hang on. Isaac Belladonna, that name sounds familiar?” William interrupted. Familiar, and not because he had heard it from his biological parents. There was something more there, and the way Kero’s already grim expression darkened, he knew he was right. “Golden Puppeteer. He was Lady Redd’s husband, went crazy when she died, killed a lot of people… Almost killed me… Injured Angel so bad she doesn’t do field work anymore.” “Right. Sorry, I interrupted you,” William apologized, looking aside. A man who’d hurt a lot of people he was close to… including his sister. “That’s alright,” Kero reassured him softly, and ruffled his hair. “My mom always said ‘Know your enemy- speak their name, and let them never live down the awful they’ve done...But anyways, here’s the part of the story you’re really interested in- The stuff no one but we know.”

---

Riots cause a mess, but they don’t usually cause structural collapse on such a grand scale. However, the building’s security rushed to keep the riot contained, and happened to miss something important- They had implemented special inhibitors to keep the children from using their abilities, to keep from ‘hurting themselves’ or the staff. Maybe the failsafe didn’t work on one of the children, maybe it failed. Whatever it was, with all of the attention on the first floor, one- or many, no one’s sure- but one child, lucky or just powerful, managed to destroy core structural walls. The destruction spread until it came to a head, causing a large explosion and the collapse of a large portion of the building. --- “When we showed up, it was a mess. We dug people out for what felt like hours… but your sister, she’s the thing I remember clear as day. Little blond girl in a ripped up hospital gown, covered in blood and soot, breaking down cell doors and pulling other children out of the debris until she collapsed. I noticed she’d gone but hadn’t come back, and I found her deep in the debris, and I carried her back out, telling her how brave and amazing she was. Even stayed in the ambulance with her, held her hand the whole way. You guys were supposed to stay with people who had died in the accident, which kind of put you in limbo, but Bayesh and I plead our case and brought you both home. I hear they would have separated you if we didn’t, and I’m pretty sure such a young kid needed at least something familiar to hold on to… And I know Kat needed you just as much.” William nodded. “I’m grateful.” “I know,” Kero reassured him softly. There was a silence for a moment, while William tried to process everything. Most of it he’d known, but.. “Hey, do you happen to know what happened to all of my parents’ research on the subject?” he asked suddenly, and Kero glanced at him,surprised. “N-Not that I condone their methods, obviously. But...I remember reading about a horrible man who’s torturous research was eventually used to advance heart surgery so… I just want something good to come from the horrible stuff that happened,” he explained. To that, Kero smiled. “You know, I hear there is a group made up of ex-subjects doing some… freelance-y hero stuff, not that I am supposed to know about them...But there’s also your sister, I wanna say that she’s some good that came out of all of this. Speaking of which, Kat’s the only one who knows what happened to the research,” he explained. “Really?” William asked, incredulous. She’d never said anything about it. “Yup. You’ll have to ask her about it.” “I don’t think I will,” William said softly. There was a reason he’d asked Kero about all of this instead of Katherine; he didn’t want to open old wounds.

They arrived at Percy’s home, and he decided to pretend as if this entire conversation had never happened. After all, they had been looking forward to this presentation all week, and he didn’t want to ruin that. It stayed on his mind, though.

He didn’t sleep well.

#SOAH19 #SOAH #Story of a hero 19 #Story of a hero

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ahutley1 · 6 years

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Ghostly: Book 1 of the Signed Chronicles

Chapter 1

"Those boots with that top? I thought I taught you better than that, Sierra." A voice said behind me. I could hear the smirk in my twin sister's voice before I turned and saw it.

Sabrina was my mirror image. Slim with dark hair, catlike eyes, and full lips. The only difference was the color of our eyes. Hers were green, while mine were two different colors. The left eye was jade green while the right was a bright amber. Oh and she's dead.

I turned around and glared at her translucent form sitting on my bed. She was wearing a white shirt with a tan cardigan, a light colored pair of jeans and no shoes. The same thing she had on when she died.

Sabrina died 2 months ago. The purplish bruises around her throat and the cuts and scars that marred her body evident. That's how it normally goes. I can see the way they died on their forms. Each ghost is signed. I call it a persons Death Sign, DS for short.

I still remember that day. Getting the call that my sister was found dead. She had been missing for a week. She was a part of a slew of kidnappings that was going on at the time. The victims were girls. All high schoolers with dark hair and green eyes. Just like my sister. Just like me. They were all found tortured and choked to death. The kidnapper was never caught.

Soon after that, I started seeing ghosts. I told my parents and of course they freaked out and sent me to a psychiatrist.

"Sab, it's high school, not Paris Fashion Week. Who cares?" I continued to lace up my combat boots.

I looked up at my sister, who had the same exasperated look she would give me when she was alive. As if what I said was the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard.

"You can at least put on a little bit of makeup. You know, so you don't look so...," she gestured to her self. "Dead."

I threw a pillow at her, which of course went right through her. "Shut up. That is not funny. Mom still hasn't been herself lately."

"Sorry." She said softly.

Ever since Sab died my mom has been a mess. Each time I look at her it looks as if she's two seconds away from breaking down. Like one wrong word and she's going to crumble. Dad, on the other hand, does what he normally does when he's upset, throw himself into his work. I've barely seen him these past few weeks. I know Sab has noticed too. If I could hear my mom sobbing at night in her room, I know she could too. An awkward silence brewed between us. Sab was the first to break it.

"Seriously. I haven't seen you get dressed up since that douche, David."

David was my shitty ex boyfriend. He cheated on me with my used to be best friend, Jessica. They were dating behind my back for months. I should've seen the signs though. The looks he would give her. The secret phone calls when we're together. The "poor you" look on Jessica's face whenever I talked about the problems David and I were having. That twisted bitch.

"What's the point, Sab?" I turned back to the mirror and pulled my hair into a ponytail. "You were the fashion guru. Not me."

"I know. You're style is a mixture of homeless and why-even-bother." She said as she looked around my room. "Speaking of, you should really redecorate. Maybe paint or something."

"Shit." I said as I looked at the clock. "I'm going to be late."

If I'm late to first period again, I'll get detention for sure. I grabbed my book bag and keys and ran out the room.

"Bye, baby sis," I heard her say as I left the room.

Thankfully the school was down the street so it didn't take long to get there. I pulled into a parking spot and rushed across the parking lot.

I ran passed Chuck, who was sitting in his usual spot on a bench under a huge tree reading a book. He barely acknowledged me as I went passed. He has been there for a long time, longer than I've even been at this school. His DS was a bullet hole in the middle of his forehead from a school shooting that happened here 20 years ago. Some psycho went crazy and killed him and six other people in his class. Shot them right in the head. Chuck never leaves his spot on that bench, just staring at nothing or reading a book.

I've learned that ghosts tend to stay close to where their favorite places were when they were alive. Chuck's was that tree, while Sab's was our home.

Where does he even get those books from, I thought to myself as I entered the school.

I ran through the empty hallway and pushed my legs to go faster. Since I was looking down at my watch, I didn't notice the big wall I was approaching. Next thing I knew, I was sprawled on the floor.

"Ugh," I groaned as I picked myself up.

"Watch where you're going," the wall said in an annoyed tone.

Wait. Walls don't talk.

I looked up. And up... and up and was met with dark brown eyes. The guy had to be at least 6'4 and since I was only 5'3, I had to crane my neck to look up at him. He had short dark hair that curled at the ends with the sides of his head closely shaven. He had caramel skin similar to my own. He had on a black tshirt with a black leather jacket, dark jeans and black motorcycle boots.

"Yeah," I crossed my arms and raised my chin. "Well, who stands in the middle of the hallway?"

"Who runs without looking where they're going," he shot back. He shouldered his book bag and walked past me.

I glared at his back as he strolled away and into the office. A shrill ring echoed in the now empty hallway. "Great. I'm late." I sighed and sulked to first period, while rubbing my sore ass.

I walked into the room and smiled meekly at Mrs. White, who gave me a disapproving frown. I hurriedly slid into my seat.

"You're late again," one of my best friends, Levi, said stating the obvious.

"No shit." I sunk lower into my seat.

"You know what that means," my other best friend, Onyx, said from the seat behind me.

I rolled my eyes at them. "Don't remind me."

They snickered.

The door opened again, revealing the guy I ran into earlier. He handed a note to Mrs. White, who signaled for him to find a seat. Our eyes met and he held my gaze as he took a seat towards the back.

"Who's the hottie," Onyx whispered as she leaned over her desk.

"The reason why I was late." I rolled my eyes.

"What do you mean?" asked Levi.

"I ran into him in the hallway." I sighed. "Literally," I added.

"That's one person I'd love to run into." Onyx smiled mischievously.

We looked over our shoulders at him. He looked at us for a second before returning his attention to the front of the room.

"This year should be fun." Onyx grinned.

Once the bell rang signaling the end of class, everyone began to pack up. Onyx stood up and stretched. The bottom of her shirt exposing her pierced navel. She watched the new guy as he walked out the door. She smiled appreciatively and moved a strand of her long black out of her face. "You guys ready to go?" She turned back to us.

"Yeah," Levi and I said in unison.

"You were looking at his ass weren't you?" I smirked at Onyx.

"What can I say? He has a great one. Why wouldn't I look?" She shrugged.

I laughed and playfully bumped in her shoulder with my own.

Just before I was almost home free, Mrs. White's high voice called my name.

"Sierra, may I have a word, please."

"Shit." I whispered.

"We'll wait for you in the hall," said Levi as they walked out the door.

I nodded and walked toward Mrs. White's desk. She gave me a stern look.

"I know you've been through a lot these past few weeks, but I can't give you special treatment. If you're late again, I will be forced to give you detention for a week. Understand?"

"Yes ma'am." I nodded.

Satisfied with my answer, she turned back to her computer, effectively dismissing me.

Out in the hallway Levi and Onyx were waiting by the door, whispering to each other. I warily approached them. I didn't like the look on their faces.

"Did she give you time?" Onyx asked as I approached.

"No, but she did tell me that if I was late again she'd give me detention for a week."

"Well that's good." Levi said as he dodged a girl who's book bag almost hit him in the arm as she walked by.

"Hey, what were you two whispering about?"

Onyx and Levi shared a look. That was when I knew I really was not going to like what was about to be said.

Levi said the words that I never wanted to hear again. "Another girl has gone missing."

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ohheyits · 6 years

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Commission #1 Superhero Fight

Here’s the prompt I got from a super generous Anon: Tegan has superpower abilities, so does Sara but they both don't know about each others. They get in a fight.

If for some reason you aren’t happy with what I wrote send me a message with what you put in place of the first and last name so I know it’s you and then your grievance. I’ll do my best to fix it if it isn’t up to your expectations. Either way I hope this does your prompt and donation justice so I don’t have to!

I went for more of a fluff angle here so this is based in a more more pre-quincest era. Hope you still enjoy quindom!

Sara’s been patient, more than patient really. She’s asked Tegan three times now to turn down the stupid music she’s been blasting through the shitty computer speakers she’d bought at the thrift store to no avail. Sara’s tired of asking nicely, tired of taking Tegan’s moody shit. Some people want to get somewhere in life, like studying so they can get into a decent college instead of smoking weed all day even though their sister has asthma and is in the room right next door trying to do her homework.

Sara clenches her fists, trying to push down the urge to just punch Tegan right in the gut. Man would that feel good though, she muses, wrenching open her door and stomping back across the hall for the fourth time that afternoon.

“Tegan!” She barks. “For the last time, turn the fucking music down before I kick you in your stupid face!

The music is cranked up louder in response and Sara snaps, twisting the doorknob angrily and busting inside, glad for the first time that their mother had had Bruce remove the locks off of their doors a few months back.

Tegan sits up in bed more than a little shocked, eyes widening then narrowing within a split second, anger contorting her face.

“What the fuck Sara get out!” She yells, face turning a deep shade of red, the blunt that had been resting between her fingers falling to the floor boards smoking, now nothing more than a glorified roach.

Sara crosses her arms, foot tapping as she tries to calm herself slightly and control her breathing to prevent most of the smoke from entering her slightly weaker lungs.

“Tegan.” She says in a slow, measured monotone. “Turn down your music and at the very least open a window if you’re going to smoke alright? You know Mom is going to know as soon as she gets home from the smell.”

“Sara.” Tegan mocks her sister’s tone. “How about shut up and get out.”

“Alright fine. Maybe I’ll just tell Mom about you and Jeremy’s ridiculous act then. Anyone with a brain and two eyes could see how gay you both are. I mean jesus could you make it any more obvious?”

Tegan stands up slowly, shaking a little. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Really Tegan? Because I definitely think I do.”

“Sara. Stop.” Tegan’s teeth are clenched and the outline of her body starts to waver slightly, almost like the pavement of a parking lot on a particularly hot day.

“Then turn off your music and learn a little respect for other people. The whole world doesn’t revolve around you ya know.”

Sara feels like something's off here, like maybe she should just stop and walk away the bigger person like her mom always tells her to, but she’s too invested at this point. She steels her resolve.

“Promise me you won’t tell Mom.” Tegan says, taking a step towards her sister.

“Not until you promise to be more respectful. I mean this is just getting ridiculous!” Sara exclaims, throwing her hands frustratedly into the air.

It seems random and entirely like she’s taking things way too far, at least in Sara’s opinion, when Tegan throws the first punch. She only notices after things slow down way too much to be normal that Tegan’s fist is plumed in flame.

She dodges it way easier than she should have been able to. In fact, in the time it took for Tegan to complete her awkward lunge forward, Sara’s managed to sidestep and notice intimate details about the situation she definitely shouldn't have been able to notice at all. Sure, she’s heard explanations made by doctors in the videos her teacher shows in science class about how adrenaline causes us to think that time has slowed down and blah blah moving on to further explanations she doesn’t care about, but this isn’t some freak part of human nature. This is real.

She is literally able to walk circles around Tegan as her twin slow-mo tumbles to the ground, her now extinguished fingers splayed and smoking as she tries to catch herself. Honestly, with what is happening right now, the whole Tegan suddenly catching on fire thing seems plausible. Unreasonably so.

And then suddenly just like that everything rights itself and Tegan is confusedly scrambling to her feet in time that seems way more normal, as if what just happened was a bad dream and since then everything has clicked back into place. Did all of that really just happen?

Her answer is yes, that definitely did, because Tegan is staring at her fingers like they just caught on fire and suddenly the tips literally do again, Sara watching as her twin nearly jumps out of her shoes in surprise and panic before realizing that it doesn’t hurt, shoulders visibly relaxing. What the actual fuck?

Tegan looks up and they make eye contact, anger with one another suddenly evaporating at this newfound ability.

“Sare tell me you see this too.” Tegan mutters. “That fuckin blunt must’ve been laced with something this is the last time I don’t roll’em myself.”

“No Tee that is definitely happening. Just like uh, like how I dodged you like it was nothing. That definitely happened too.” Sara says, trying to wrap her head around the conundrum before them.

“Ah you got lucky you fucker.” Tegan says, momentarily too distracted by the opportunity to gloat to notice that flame has now sprouted on her shoulder, strangely not burning up the tattered flannel she’d stolen from Bruce’s laundry last month. It looks like a pauldron, shooting high enough to tickle Tegan’s wide jaw.

“Um Tegan I definitely didn’t and also your shoulder’s on fire.” Sara deadpans.

“Ah! What the fuck is this!” Tegan yelps, jumping for a second time as she looks down and notices, the flames seeming to grow larger and more fierce as her emotions peak. Sara is glad that she at least is able to remain calm in this situation, because if they both caught on fire every time they got upset, the world would be in big trouble.

“Just try and calm down and it’ll go away Tee!” She yells, wishing she could somehow trigger that weird slow time again so she could get any and everything flammable away from her sister before she destroys their house or something. THAT would be hard to explain to Mom and Bruce when they got home, that’s for sure.

“Sara I am literally on fire how the hell do you expect me to calm down!” Tegan counter’s, panic from earlier starting to resurface in her eyes and actions.

“It’s not hurting you TeeTee, just relax.” Sara changes tactics, her voice taking on a more soothing lilt, and slowly, the flames subside once more. Tegan sags, awkwardly shuffling to her bed and sitting down as Sara crosses the room and turns off that damn music.

“What the hell is going on Sare?” Tegan says. “What happened to you?”

“I-I don’t know.” Suddenly faced with dealing with her own new found “ability” is hard. Now she knows how Tegan felt just now. “It was like… It was like time slowed down; like I turned one of those slow motion cameras on and my eyes were the lense’s. And then everything went back to normal after you fell. I have no idea why it happened.”

“Man I wish I was more into comics right now.” Tegan moans. “I bet all the answers are in there.”

“Those are fiction Tee.” Sara replies absentmindedly.

“Are they?” Tegan replies.

They both look up at this revelation, this bizarre and yet now normalized question, eyes locking.

“Shit, that is trippy as fuck.” Sara says, giggling a little.

“I know right?” Tegan says, flopping backwards on her bed. “Hey, at least now I can light my own cigarettes though!”

“Ok good for you I guess, but I kinda want to know how my whole thing is triggered. Like for you, it seems like when you get emotional or angry you end up with little fires sprouting up all over. Also how does it not catch your clothes on fire, I definitely don’t understand that one. But anyways, like what is the trigger for me?”

“Um... anger, frustration?” Tegan offers.

“Yeah but then wouldn’t it have triggered the first couple of times I came and knocked on your door? Cuz trust me, I definitely was feeling an abundance of both of those then too.” Sara ponders.

“Yeah sorry about that Sare.” Tegan says, voice low with regret.

“Honestly not even worried about that anymore. This is much more fascinating.” Sara waves her hand as if physically brushing away the apology. “Just don’t be such an asshole next time.”

“Riiiiight.” Tegan says, stretching. “Oh we should totally have our own comic book now! We’d need some cool superhero costumes and stuff first though…” Tegan trails off before her eyes light up suddenly again. “What about flight-or-fight, like the adrenaline fueled survival instinct. We talked about it in bio class remember? You swung at me and as soon as you did the time-thing happened for the first time.”

“Could be… how do we test it?”

“Um… well I-arghhh Tegan stop!” Tegan leaps onto Sara in the middle of their conversation, putting her in a headlock and squeezing.

Just like that things slow down again; Sara can feel every flex of Tegan’s arm muscles, every noisy exhale of her sister’s breath. It’s too easy to get out of her grasp when Tegan can’t react any where close to quickly enough counteract her moves. She escapes and can’t help the laugh that sneaks out when she’s met with the sight of Tegan so still, and yet with that face of such triumphant surprise.

And then everything is back to normal, Tegan sitting on her bed and staring at her sister. “No fucking way man. This shit is wack.”

“Tell me about it.” Sara murmurs, trudging over and plopping herself down beside her sister.

Tentatively, Tegan reaches over and puts her arm over Sara’s shoulders, stiffening but slowly relaxing into the return of affection as Sara rests her head Tegan’s shoulder.

“What the heck do we do now Sare?”

“Excellent question.”

“Great answer.”

“I know.”

“...Can we at least get some capes?”

“No!”

#quindom #quincest #fluff #teenage tns #ohheyits comissions #commission 1

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zanderism · 7 years

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Usually I don’t post about my transition or anything unless it’s an important occasion, so here goes. Bear with me.

TL;DR– My gender therapist appointment is tomorrow. Yikes.

I’ve been out of the closet and I’ve been very active in the LGBT+ community since the seventh grade, but as a transgender man, I’ve only been out for two years (July 2015). This is such a nerve-wracking time in my life. I hope I can properly put it into words in a way that makes sense. I didn’t think I’d be here, in the early hours of the day, writing about just how gay I am. We all do things on a whim sometimes. That being said, here’s a huge, gay timeline of how I came out.

If you had asked me years ago if I could ever see myself in the position I’m in currently, I’d have told you no. Let me describe my life during my childhood, and the drastic change in morality, mentality, and maturity. Years before I began my transition to male, I had no idea what the term “transgender” was, or what it meant. This was around 6th grade, when a new chapter of my life had already began and I started making new friends (nearly all of which I still are very close to) and began learning things on my own.

Please note– when I entered middle school, I was very uneducated, and socially inept; I was an insensitive child to others who were not like me. I was a hard-headed Christian girl– I’d even go as far as to say the homophobic type. Needless to say, my mother was the same way. I learned directly and religiously from her, and if God didn’t approve, that’s how it had to be. I used to be a very, very shitty person. I threw around slurs that didn’t belong to me, and forced an ideology on other children and people who didn’t deserve it. I used to be on the same spectrum I despise today. While it is something I cannot take back, it is something I do think about a lot as a man who has faced persecution for things I cannot control, and has allowed me to see things from a perspective that showed me that what I did and how I acted was very, very wrong, and to put it bluntly, ignorant. I wish I could go back in time and apologize to those people I wronged, and show them I’ve educated myself since.

Around this time of being right with Jesus, even if I was doing it wrong, I met a girl– we’ll call her B, as to keep her involved but indirectly. She was Christian like me, and we found solace in our way of relating through worship. We’d spend the night at each other’s houses and relish in the company. Her father helped me learn to play drums; if it hadn’t been for him I would probably not have ever gotten started in music. Her brother and I often traded Pokemon cards, and played together. She and I were inseparable. At the same time, I met another girl– if you’re a long-time viewer of this half-dead blog, you can probably remember her (She’ll be C). She and I also became very close, and we still are to this day. She helped me view the world in a much different perspective, and helped me become a lot more open-minded, considerate, and mindful. She was probably one of the greatest people who could have ever came into my life at the time. From there I began learning things like what the LGBT+ acronym stood for, and what the letters meant, and what life was like for people in the community. It was a very interesting experience and a very eye-opening time of my life for me. Later on down the road, I began feeling very, very confused, and became very conflicted with the way I felt about her. I caught feelings for her, and that statement itself took eons for me to accept about myself. It kept me up at night, and it made me question if this was okay or not– in my home life, in my religion, and in my head.

I finally took the courage to tell my friend(s) the truth in hopes of finding reassurance and affirmation. I told C first; bluntly and openly. I remember the surroundings– It was in the office at our middle school during lunch time. “I think I’m bisexual.” She simply looked at me, smiled at me, and gave me a hug, and was on her merry way back to class. The first sign of acceptance from ANYONE close to me was from her, and I’ll never forget that moment of my life.

The next step was telling B– the truly scary part. I knew how she felt about gay people, let alone bisexual people. When I told her I was bisexual she was very confused. She didn’t think there were some “middle ground”, or that one could feel attraction to both men and women. Later on in our friendship she claimed I wasn’t really bisexual, and that I only did it for attention because “everyone else was doing it”. I was hurt by this, even more so because I knew what drove her to say that– her devotion to the scripture. I realize that the Bible says literally nothing about LGBT+ people in it now, but back then I was horrified. All the fellow Christian people I became close to felt the same way. It really made me think, “Wow. Do I really sound like this? Is this how I treat people?” I could only imagine how my mother and father would react when they found out I felt attraction to another girl, let alone my little sister. I had never felt so alone in my life.

I met other girls who were openly bisexual later on, many of which expressed their attraction to me. I remember being mid-conversation with B, and one of my older friends who felt comfortable being openly LGBT+ walked by me, said hello, and in front of God and everyone in that room with us, kissed me on the mouth. I didn’t express that I wanted her to, or ever show interest in her the way she showed interest in me; she simply just kissed me and walked away like it was nothing. I didn’t mind it, but I didn’t expect it.

B simply grimaced and walked away. Eventually, she stopped being my friend. I later found out it was because I was bi.

That was the line for me. That was the point in my life when I told myself, “Something has to give. Something has to change.” I had to do better, not just for myself, but for my friends and the people who loved me. I openly expressed my feelings for C often, humorously to no avail (which was definitely for the best. It would have been weird.). This “crush” ended after five years. I was okay with seeing other men, and being honest about what happened and being honest about my sexuality. After all the “that’s kinda hot” replies and “threesome?” jokes– and to my own amazement, actual offers– I eventually stopped feeling sorry about being myself. I was out to my friends, my boyfriends, and later on, girlfriends; I was content in myself enough to trust others with my sexuality.

My boyfriend at the time (who currently deeply resents me, one of the reasons being that I began my transition (I don’t feel any sympathy)) and I were talking about my identity and my (at the time) feelings for my friend. He felt like we were at a crossroads, and that it was one or the other. This wasn’t a face-to-face conversation, it was over Messenger. My entire family was home and in the room with me– which I didn’t mind, because they’re my family, and even if I was still closeted I wasn’t suspicious that they knew. My sister had her friend over as well; she was spending the night. Little did I know, my mother had peered over my shoulder, and was reading my messages. She walked in front of me to tell me goodnight, and she bent over and pretended to kiss me goodnight while looking at my screen. I jerked my iPad back, and she jerked it out of my hands. She then looked up at me with a disdain I’ve never seen in her before, and she questioned when I was going to tell her. I immediately broke down and told her the truth. “I’m tired of hiding who I am,” I cried. “I’m bisexual, Mom. I like girls and boys. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was scared.” I felt like a killer giving a testimony to a jury that had plenty of evidence to consider me a guilty man (girl?). My dad turned around in his computer chair and watched my mom’s reaction. He said, “I don’t think this is an appropriate time to talk about this.” She shook her head and said, “We will discuss this tomorrow.” With that, she gave me my iPad back, and went to bed. I cried in front of everyone in that room for God knows how long. My sister and her friend later on confided in me that they didn’t feel any different about me, and in fact had respect for me for having the courage to be myself. As reassuring as their message was, I couldn’t help but feel sick to my stomach—my mother forced me to come out in front of everybody in the house.

I dreaded going to sleep that night. I didn’t want to get up and face the next day. I was absolutely petrified of what my mom was going to say, or do.

She pulled me into her room. We sat down on her bed. She was so, so angry at me. She told me she didn’t understand it. She told me that Jesus didn’t permit this sort of “behavior”. She said she was disappointed in me, and she really was, for a really long time. She said she loved me, but couldn’t support my “decision”. In other words, “love the sinner, but hate the sin”. I wondered for a long time why that was, and I always figured it was because of religion. In truth, we have a lot of LGBT folks in our family, particularly women. Her sister was a lesbian, and I found out later on that my Nana (her mom; bless her soul) fell out with her over the same thing. I have several gay cousins, and my other cousin’s wife is bisexual. There were so many of us in her life already; it made me wonder how much prejudice could come from someone who had others like me in her life already. I thought about how she may have felt towards them, and how I would have been any different.

It was like this for years. This homophobia from my mom chased me from one house to the next. When my parents finally separated, my mom moved to her own house, and my dad eventually shared a trailer with a very charitable man (who, in turn, happened to be gay too. May irony never escape us.), and he did work for his trailer when he needed it in exchange for extra money. My mawmaw had to come live with us for a while as well, and she’s always accepted me since day one. My sister began to pick up on the things my mom would say and how she would treat me differently. My mother and I fought very, very often about the same exact things—me being bisexual, the differences between my sister and I, and religion. She would hardly ever let my girl friends (note: not significant others) come over to spend the night. She called me out whenever I called a girl attractive or expressed an attraction to another girl. I remember being so depressed over this I couldn’t get out of bed, and wouldn’t see my family and friends for days at a time unless it was my sister and my mom coming upstairs to prepare for bed. I remember telling my mom how I felt about the way she treated me, crying in bed with her sitting on the opposite side. Believe me, I’ve heard just about every trope in the world from not only her, but lots of other people, ranging from “You’re going to hell” to “You just haven’t found the right man yet”, but the worst possible one I ever heard came directly from my mother: “Maybe God will change you, in time.”

I wish I could properly detail my mother’s shitty tendencies during that time. It was an awful time for all of us. I was brainwashed into thinking I hated my father, when I had just been playing into what my mother would tell me. It was absolutely sickening. It took me literal months to realize that my dad had been supporting me all this time. He had never once shown any sort of prejudice against me for being who I am, and he held my hand whenever my mom berated me, even if I didn’t want him to. I told myself he wasn’t good, and that he was doing it to win me over, but his heart was genuine and I hate that it took me so long to welcome him back into my life. I found myself constantly coming to him about the things my mother would say, or act, or do; I began to trust him all over again. Through him I learned more about accepting myself, and taking care of myself, even when it was hard to tune out my mother.

My mental health was at its worst state it’s ever been in. I had no energy, I couldn’t sleep at night, my grades dropped, and I was constantly depressed and anxious. At the time, my mother’s homophobia was just the tip of the iceberg of what was happening in my life, so I don’t necessarily blame my mother’s ignorance solely for how I felt. It was just a role in how I felt; a factor in my life alongside the bigger picture of what was happening. Eventually, I moved out because I got sick of her attitude, and her abusive nature towards me just because I happened to be bisexual. I confessed to my mom and dad both that my mental health had been lacking and I felt miserable because of the situation at hand as well as my mom’s homophobia, and my dad helped me pack and move that night.

After I moved out, I started being more positive and feeling a lot better than I ever did before—I was sleeping and eating better, I didn’t stay in bed for days at a time, I felt much more confident than I did before, and I was free to express myself any way I wanted to without persecution on a day to day basis. My father allowed me to be my own person again. He was always there for me, and he still is today, and I cannot tell you how grateful I am for him and his continuous love and support.

I never did have a girlfriend in middle school because I was way too scared to express that openly, but it wasn’t until high school that I began experimenting. My first girlfriend was quite the experience—she was much taller than me, much prettier than I was, and had long blonde hair. She had texted me out of the blue telling me how beautiful she thought I was, and she expressed her interest in me. We began flirting, and we eventually started dating. We were together for four months, and she eventually grew tired of me and left me for one of my friends. It hurt like crazy—I had never felt as strongly for any man as I did for her. I had never trusted a person the way I trusted her. I let her see the side of me I couldn’t show anybody else. I felt I could relate to her the most, as she came from a very religious family that condemned LGBT+ people, too. It got to the point where her mother actually hated me, but that’s beside the point.

It was after her that I began to really sit down and evaluate myself and how I could have done things differently—and what differentiated the way I felt for her and the way I felt for other men. I didn’t understand why I felt stronger for women than I did for men. Did I develop a preference? Maybe it was because I had JUST gotten out of a relationship with my first girlfriend that had me feeling the way I did, but from that point on I knew in my gut I was gay somehow. I had only dated men in the past, and I felt like it made my identity invalid because I had never experienced a relationship with a member of the same gender; I came to find out that wasn’t the truth at all, and that my experiences as a bi girl with more men than women in her past were just as valid as if it were the other way around. Eventually I would come out as a lesbian after being with other girls, and finding myself to be more comfortable around them than men, even if I found them attractive. I connected with other LGBT+ boys and girls in my school, and it became a very supportive and accepting environment aside from the occasional straight boy throwing slurs at me or harassing me—even then, I had an outpouring of support from my friends, the LGBT+ community in my school, and my family.

It was also after her that I began to reevaluate my relationship with Christianity. I didn’t feel comfortable labeling myself as a Christian after the whole she-bang with my homophobic mother who used our religion to bash me into hating myself. I stopped calling myself a Christian, and I had stopped praying long before this. On my own time I became an atheist, out of comfort for me. I don’t believe in God, but I’m not the one to bash people for being Christian, or shove that belief in anyone’s faces. I have in the past, and regret doing so; I was so resentful that my mother did this that I made no difference between her and every Christian person I met, and I hate that I was so confrontational and reactionary then. I have many regrets in this life, and this is probably one of the biggest ones.

Throughout school, I learned so much about how wondrous the LGBT+ community was for me, and how it treated me so kindly and warmly. It was very reaffirming and to a huge extent, welcoming. I learned about other identities like pansexuality, demisexuality, and asexuality, and so many more. During this time I joined an app called Vent and learned about nonbinary identities— gender identities that aren’t strictly male or female. Here is where I met and dated a nonbinary person despite identifying as a lesbian. This raised a huge red flag: lesbians dated women, and my partner did not identify as female, but presented female. What did this mean if I felt comfortable dating people outside the gender binary, AND women? I concluded I was pansexual at this point (if I had a dollar for every time I either debated changing my sexuality, or changed my sexuality as a whole throughout this timeline, I’d be a billionaire.) not only out of respect for my partner but as it was a more fitting label for me. I was hesitant on being with men, and I still am to this day if they aren’t like me, but was comfortable enough in my identity to know I still found men attractive.

As aforementioned, I joined Vent as a way to express myself without anyone in my life finding out (update: they did anyway). I met lots of amazing people there and I still use the app on a semi-regular basis. I brought this back up to mention someone very important in my life—we’ll call her R. She’s genderfluid, and she doesn’t live in my state. She and I have known each other for two years, and she’s currently my closest friend. We dated for seven months and despite the distance we’ve still made time for each other; she helped me through some of the biggest moments in my life. Not all, but some of the biggest defining moments. She knew me before I began transitioning, and she helped me and supported me through and through (C did as well, and I’ve known C much longer, but despite us being as close as we are, we don’t talk or see each other as often as we used to. C and R are two of the best people I’ve ever met). She’s funny, and very cute, and super radical. She’s wonderful company and I brag about her to just about anybody I come across.

I remember going back to my mom’s after the horror show she put me through. I was borderline ready to disown her and keep her out of my life entirely. I was very, very avoidant and skittish; my mother made me extremely nervous. When I was finally comfortable around my mother again, I began making sense of what happened and why, and where it resonated from. What I didn’t expect was my mother pulling my sister and me into the kitchen, sitting us down, and giving us a thorough talk. I felt like I had been played, and I felt like she was mocking me. She admitted her attraction to another woman, and that was her way of apologizing to me for the way she treated me. I was flabbergasted, and not in a positive way. I was angry, and so, so confused (if I could choose a default feeling when describing how I felt about my mom it would be confused). I felt like she was downplaying the entire situation and belittling me. She HAD to have been joking; I was in denial for a very long time. Her and her girlfriend got engaged yesterday. I didn’t forgive her for what felt like eons. If I think about it hard enough, it was a half-assed apology, and I sometimes still get angry over it.

I was living with my dad at the time I began addressing my gender. I remember being on Facebook and watching this video of women becoming drag kings, and people expressing their pride in their own identities. I have this hat my cousin gave me, and I had it on my computer desk at the time. I remember slipping it on and folding my hair up into it, and taking my glasses off. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary; my long hair was already annoying as is, so it was nice to get it out of the way anyway. I looked much more masculine without my long hair, and I felt more comfortable looking masculine but didn’t think of it as anything more than a superstition. It wasn’t long till I decided to cut off all my hair, and I haven’t regretted it since. My dad cried when I cut my hair off; he couldn’t stand to watch it happen. It hurt me that I made him cry, but it was so liberating to literally have all that weight off my shoulders.

I identified as genderfluid for a short period of time, and preferred they/them pronouns primarily. I don’t exactly like to talk about this period of my life, particularly for me because it was the only time my father showed any sort of prejudice against my identity. It makes me uncomfortable to think about, and doesn’t really have any significance in who I am. It’s not that I find it’s an invalid identity, because of course it’s valid, and real. I support any and all people of any identity, be it genderfluid or cisgender. I just don’t consider it important in terms of my transition or the timeline of me coming out.

I came out as trans to my dad in one of the most generic ways possible. It was in the McDonald’s drive-thru picking up dinner. I was talking to him about how my mom was seeing a woman after being so abusive to me in the past about me being gay. I asked him, “Will you refer to me as your son?” He just looked at me through the rear-view mirror and nodded and asked me what I wanted to order. It was the easiest thing that I faced involving coming to terms with my identity. He respected me when I told him my name: Zander Tobias. He’s called me Z ever since. I came straight home and told my mom I was transgender and I was NOT about to take any shit from her about it. I didn’t expect her to be so open and accepting about it. I was under the impression that she learned her lesson about being intolerant. She’s supported me ever since, and has never once misgendered me or misnamed me. It took her little to no time at all to memorize my name and my pronouns. She’s been very good to me in terms of my gender identity, and has since changed her ways about my sexual orientation. She respects me 100%, even if it took her a long time to learn from her mistakes.

It’s now been two years since I came out as transgender. I truly never thought I’d be here making this. I’m glad I didn’t give up years ago, and I’m glad I’m here with all my wonderful friends and family. I have my brothers, my sisters, my mom and stepmom, and my dad and stepmom, as well as a whole bunch of step-grandparents and biological grandparents who love me, cherish me, and support me for who I am. I couldn’t be more proud and appreciative I am of my genuine, loving family.

What does this have to do with my gender therapy?? Good question, Z!

My family would never have permitted me to do this years ago. In fact, if it weren’t for my stepmom (on my Dad’s side), I never would have been able to have a gender therapist appointment in the first place. Hormones would have been out of the question had it been years ago and it came down to my mom. My transition is so, so, so important to me, and my family realizes this, and cherishes me throughout the process. I would have never made it this far. It goes to show how lucky a guy can be, and how fortunate someone like me is for having such a wonderful family like mine.

I wanted to do this to give thanks and show my importance to the people who make a difference in my life, and the people who have helped me in my transition, before and well after—even people like B.

To any friends who may read this one day, thank you for everything you have ever done for me. Whether you’ve supported me through my darkest times, called me out on my pretentious bullshit, or showed me that it does get better eventually, you have made such an incredible impact on my life. I couldn’t have done it without you. I love you so much.

To R and C, I cherish you completely. Thank you for picking me up when I was down and showing me that I’m valid, and loving me for who I am. You are incredible people, and I hope that you never forget just how much you mean to me. I love y’all endlessly, and I hope that we stay as close as we are in the future. My life would be so, so boring and incomplete without you. You guys mean the world to me.

To my family who may read this, thank you, too. Especially my mom. You’ve learned so, so much for me, and grown into such beautiful supportive people. You do everything you humanly can to make sure I feel safe, comfortable, and loved at home. I cannot possibly tell you how much I love you, appreciate you, and cherish you for doing the things you do for me. You help me feel better about myself each and every day. I could not ask for a better family. Thank you so much.

Finally, to B, and to people like her. I hope you find your peace, and I hope that one day you meet someone that changes your perspective entirely, so that you may embrace diversity regardless of religion, gender identity, or sexual orientation. Thanks for being a friend, even if it was for a short time. I’m okay, and I hope you are as well.

ANYWAY… if you read all the way to the bottom, you’re a champ! Congrats! This was a hell of a rollercoaster to type out let alone get off my chest. Thank you so much for reading! I hope you at least enjoyed it a little bit; and if not that’s okay too. (Feel free to ask me any questions if you feel like it, or if I need to clear anything up.)

I hope tomorrow goes smoothly. Wish me good luck!

#transition #transgender #trans man #personal #me #family #abuse #homophobia #shut up zander #long post #tldr

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dachi-chan25 · 7 years

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Riverdale episode 6 recap

Okay so it's been a while since I've done I recap (cuz I don't usually have much time) but today I'm hella sick so work is out of the picture and I have a LOT of thoughts/feelings about THIS episode so why the hell not???

First of all I applogize for the format (I'm on mobile cuz turning on my computer literally gives me a headache when I'm sick) I'll try to fix it, and lastly I warn THIS contains–

SPOILERS!!!!!

•So we start the episode talking about fear (honestly I LOVE the intros) we see Archie with his guitar staring anxiously at himself in the mirror and we also see Betty and Polly when they were children, then we have a pretty neat transition to the present. Betty is chillin' on her bed and writing her diary while Mama Cooper (aka Satan) is folding Betty's clothes, oh and my baby drops the bomb she invited Jughead over for breakfast, no biggie am I right???? (OMG THIS is happening!!!!) Alice was shocked!

•My sarcastic baby boy is having the most uncomfortable breakfast ever, (honest to God Imma kill Alice and then I'll adopt her daughters) it seems breakfast was only an excuse for our sleuths to distract Alice (they communicate only with a look #married4eva) So Betty can check her purse for any clues about Polly's whereabouts.

•Their little plight is succesful cause Betts finds a check for some kind of religious asociation (Can't remember the name sorry) they research it on the Blue & Gold offices and find out it's a home for 'troubled youths' #bingo of course they know Polly is there.

•So we have this kinda variety show on Riverdale (my boy Kevin is organizing it of course) and Archie is auditioning but he has stage fright, and no I'm not gonna make any Troy Bolton joke cuz I understand Archie. For those who want to know I'm am actress, I do theater mostly, musical theater, and when I began to study for it I was scared af because even if my friends and family were supportive I had tons of insecurities (and when you are an actor/Singer that's perfectly normal) so yeah I really connected with Archie here (What's the deal with Reggie tho??? First he is an asshole with Juggie and punches Archie, then he is actually decent with Archie and now he is pulling a 'keep ya' head in the game Bolton' and being a total dickhead like???

•At lunch my cutie sleuths are talking bout Polly and sharing food and once again communicating with their eyes (OTP) and for the first time Archie offers his help and Juggie totally rejects his ass (pretty logical tho cuz they would attract too much attention) and I kinda got the feeling Archie is getting jealous idk the way he looked at them did not sit right with me.

•So yeah Archie is angsting about the whole stage fright thing, Valerie is being supportive af (that's pretty cool cuz she actually has experience with this) and my girl Ronnie says she convinced (read: forced) Kevin to give him a slot in the show's program so he has the chance to share his songs (Kevin is totally NOT happy about it tho) but Archie thinks he can't make it alone and Valerie is like 'would love to help but I'm with the Pussycats babe' fear not cuz Ronnie is all smooth and offers to be the 'Bey to his Jay' (honestly I'm not very invested in Archie's love life but he certainly is lucky to have such awesome girls intrested in him) he accepts and it's all very flirty.

•Then we have Mama Lodge and Papa Andrews talking bussines, it seems things are not going good but Fred refuses to 'let his people go' cuz he felt real bad the last time he did (he is talking about Juggie's dad isn't he?) anyway he is not doing them any good either cuz for the looks of it the money is not enough for the payrolls, Fred has a plan tho, he wants to convince the new owner of the Drive In to give him the construction job and he asks for Hermione's help (which is hillarious cuz we, the viewers, know the buyer was her husband) she agrees and... We see Ronnie (i LOVE her) taking flowers to her mom but she doesn't get to give them to her cause she fricking watches her mom kissing Fred!!!!! WTF I thought she wasn't intrested??? Dunno this just made me sad for my girl Ronnie.

•Once Hermione arrives home Veronica confronts her, and is totally logical cuz she is still married, and of course Veronica thought once her dad was free they could be like they were before but Hermione tells her she is not So sure about it. OMG whyyyyyyy??????? Ronnie doesn't deserve THIS and while Hermione can do whatever she wants this is not the right way to go about it. For starters she should get a divorce and talk to Ronnie instead of letting her find out everything on her own and hurting her in the process #fuck them I'll adopt Ronnie too!!

•Then we get a scene where Fred is telling Archie all his 'guys' are gonna go to watch his presentation, Archie is still nervous but his dad is real supportive (why can't all the Riverdale parents be like this???) and he even tells him what happened with Ronnie's mom (see Hermione?? Not so hard to be honest with your child) Archie is also pretty supportive (the Andrews are so uncomplicated is like watching a completely different show)

•We're at school again and we have Archie and Val talking about music and stuff, and then we get a Pussycats rehearsal, Josie is really in the zone and gets pissed at Valerie, my girl Val snaps at her that working with Archie is much more plesant, and Josie looses it saying Val can't sing with both of them and she must choose ASAP Val promptly quits and I'm shoook!!!!!!! WTF is going on???

•Josie, now more calm, tells her mom and her mom is So nonchalant about it??? She tells Josie to replace Val and other pretty fucked up BS (why are the Riverdale parents So shitty???) cuz apparently Josie's dad is comming to see the show and if the Pussycats aren't perfect he would blame her for it. Da fuq????? And what about what Josie feels??? #I'm adopting Josie too

•So yeah Val tells Archie she can sing with him cuz she left the Pussycats and they start rehearsing and it's all nice and dandy til Ronnie arrives with her partiture and Archie is the douchiest douche to have ever douched, for real he didn't even told Ronnie he was going to sing with Val now and just put her aside like a toy or something (honestly fuck him so much!!! I support his love for music but that doesn't give him the right to use people and discard them whenever he wants) of course my girl totally calls this fuckboi out but in her anger she ends up yelling at him about their parents's affair. #protectRonnie #where's my girl Cheryl to console her gf??? Anyway Ronnie goes straight to the Pussycats and offers to replace Val (OMG she gets the kitty ears And the whole mean girls corridor-catwalk vibe it's awesome)

•They are rehearsing but Ronnie is not into it And Josie calles her out, And Ronnie explodes about everything, Josie is supportive af and very insightful tho. #I'm here for Josie/Ronnie friendship (And maybe more) Cherjosieca is my new OT3

•So we get Juggie and Betty in front of this wierd asylum (OMG they totally skipped school) there they must be separated cuz only Betty can enter, they take her to Polly's room, but she is not there she is in the gardens and honestly when the Cooper sisters reunite is the most beautiful thibg, and also Betty founds Polly is not sick but she is pregnant (I totally knew this)

•We get the full story about how she and Jason were gonna run away on July 4th but someone told her parents and she got taken away (for fuck's sake why do you do this to your daughter?!?!? Over maple syrup really????)and OMFG she doesn't know Jason is dead!!!!!!! #go home Riverdale parents # this year's 'Shittiest parent' award goes to Alice and Hal Cooper.

•An old lady (she is the one who recieved Betty and Juggie) takes Betty away And boom!!! Alice is there, the witch practically drags Betty to a corridor and says she paid the institution to inform her every time Polly got a visitor, Betty is having none of THIS shit And confronts her about not telling Polly about Jason, and then they run into Polly (I guess she was being taken back to her room) And Polly is crying And screaming at Alice for not telling her and they drag her away from Betty, And Jughead tries to help but can't And OMG why must Betty suffer like THIS??? #protectBetty #my heart broke

•Then back at the Coopers, Betty is being confronted by her patents who try to gaslight the shit out of her (why are you So awful???) of course Betty doesn't let them out the hook And asks her dad if he broke into Sheriff Keller's home ( we know he totally did) he says he didn't, And Betty asks if he killed Jason her mother starts to laugh (she goes from suburban mom to the Joker in .5 seconds I swear) and says she wishes either of them had killed Jason (I mean I knew it wasn't them, but that's such a fucked up thing to say let alone in front of your daughter) #the Cooper parents are batshit crazy, of course Betty tries to make them see reason And the abusive shits say they are her parents and she must believe them just cuz they say so. #Imma fight them both tbh

So we get this elegant dinner at the Lodge's place, And Josie's asshole dad is there being pretentious as fuck, and I can't stand him (also Josie called Archie Yoko Ono and I cracked up xD) Fred presents his project but Mayor Mccoy says it's not up to her but she'll try to help him.

•Arch talks to Val about crazy dinner time, and of course about Josie's dad, Val says now she gets why Josie was So worked up about the show, Archie tells her to go back to the Pussycats cuz I guess now he is more confident of maybe he wants to stand on his own, And that's a good thing!!!! Cuz Val loves the Pussycats And Arch doesn't want to be Yoko #LMAO

•Ronnie is getting ready to go to the show but she decides to talk things with her mom like Josie suggested, unfortunately Hermione drops her the bomb that Hiram (aka dady dearest) gave her a sharing of his company before going to jail and she needs Ronnie to sign the papers to give Fred the job, Ronnie gets mad af And says she won't sign anything for her mom's lover, and what does Hermione do?? She FORGES her daughter's signature #fuck her tbh!!! #she is driving her daughter away with all her BS

•So apparently Betty is confined to her room, worry not cuz our brave Jughead (aka Romeo) climbs to her window and kills me with a single line ('hey there Juliet' *dead*) she smiles And OMG they are the cutest ship ever!!!! Anyway Betty is feeling pretty out of it because her parents are crazy And maybe Polly And she are too... Jughead tries to calm her down saying they are not their parents (THIS sounds So Romeo&Juliet to me!!!) And he stutters and its adorable And he gains courage And then HE KISSES HER (ahhhhhhh ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥❇🌟🌠✅✔✔✅✔🆒💯💯💯💯💯‼‼‼‼❗❕❗❕❗) And it's the cutest thing ever cuz one really gets to see that Juggie was waiting to do that for a long time (the lil' sigh he gives *dead again* And her smile!!!!! *couldn't be more dead*) now Betty starts talking about Jason's car (I know lots of people think she ruined the moment but consider this: before the kiss she was lost, she doubted herself and her parents and everything BUT after the kiss she regains focus and trust in herself and tbh I find this beautiful, I don't think they need big romantic declarations of love cause they know, they have such a Deep understanding with each other that words are not really necessary) And Juggie gets So amused at her (SAME Juggie) So they are back at the sleuthing bussines and go to check Jason's car.

•Now in the show Val talks with Josie And everything between them gets fixed (I LOVE girl friendship) And Kevin (OMG it's me or he looks like Corny Collins???) introduces them to the audience, they sing a modern cover of 'I feel LOVE' And we get a transition to Betty and Juggie finding the car, they see the back And find one of Jason's jacket And lots of drugs, And OMG they actually are going to go to the police (THIS is such an unusual thing for this kind of shows) but someone is watching them (God I hope nothing bad happens to them)

•Josie's asshole of a dad gets up and leaves before the Pussycats finish And Imma fucking gonna fight him cause my girl Josie is trying So hard not to cry in front of everyone #fuck your dad Josie #you are enough #you are talented And amazing.

•Now it's Archie's turn And he is still terrified, but Ronnie (bless her forgiving heart) gives him the support he needs to go on stage and actually sing, And OMG THIS is straight outta High School Musical cuz after the show every one is cheering on him and wow just crazy.

•But before the show ends Betty and Jughead arrive (like two adorable drenched puppies) with Sheriff Keller And tell him what they found, And OMG for a moment Betty hears Archie's voice through the speaker but she decides to go after Juggie and Sheriff Keller (my girl is already moving on!!! Good job at visual representation writers!!)

•So Archie thanks Val for everything, and they KISS, OMG I really like them together but I'm not So sure Archie is ready to have a relationship, I mean he is So volatile, Idk, I liked the kiss And I hope he is not an ass to Val.

•So Hermione and Fred are huggin and Ronnie arrives being polite af (So classy) Fred gives her the good news (that he got the job) and of course Verónica immediatly knows what happened And leaves #well now you did it Hermione #I just wanna hug Ronnie tho

•The police + Bughead get at the car but it's on Fire!!! And the evidence is lost with it!!!! OMG why?????????????????? Then my babies go to Polly's institution only to find she escapes through the window (there was blood on the glass and I'm So damn worried for her)

And the episode ends there cause the writers of this show wanna keep me anxious over my children til next week!!!

...

And that's it I always have fun doing these maybe I'll try to make one for next week (if I'm not to dead by then) I would LOVE to hear your thoughts about it!!!

#Bughead #Riverdale recap #episode 6 #can't believe I just adopted all of Riverdale's teens #honestly why are the parents (exept for Fred) So awful #my two cents

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blccdsport · 7 years

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the hacker and the detective: a lenry!au

❝ although you love me, sometimes we're mean, things can get ugly, but we're still a team, we are an army, that breaks from within, but that's why we're stronger, and that's how we'll win❞

@sh4m3less

so, basically while watching this show lately it’s had me thinking about a lenry!au, mainly because it just seems like it genuinely fits them as an au? which is always cool considering they’re probably the hardest ship to fit to any au’s because they’re difficult and problematic™.

anyway, i’m a sucker for making aesthetic’s and i really wanted to for this so that’s a thing. i’m gonna explain kinda the whole plot/idea of what this is about below so enjoy n whatnot. as usual, if anything seems inaccurate to you or you can’t see it hit me up w/that good shit aka call me the fuck out yo.

playlist: because look it’s another thing i’m a slut for, playlists!! to be honest, some of the songs on there are ones i legit just took from a lenry playlist that already exists but w/e. and to be honest, i came across a couple of songs that fit them out of this au too and tbh it was a good time like i’m loving some of these okay shutting up now.

https://open.spotify.com/user/thelittlestmermaid./playlist/0qN62fP9Lm50jBF9iaJul0

plot:

okay so, i wanted to try dodge a part of the tv show plot because i wasn’t sure about applying it to liz but one, it’s an au so, and two, it’s kind of necessary in a way. but basically, in the show at the very very beginning, the main character’s little sister gets kidnapped like, right in front of her, and there wasn’t anything she could actually do about it and it was really messed up. while i couldn’t see it happening in terms of lowri/liz because i just genuinely can’t picture it, part of me considered it happening with liz/karma? just because karma is younger and like the main character in the show she feels a responsibility for her so when she’s kidnapped it really messed her up.

anyway, that’s key to the plot because the police literally don’t do much in terms of helping, well, liz, find karma. which leads her to take matters into her own hands. instead, she sets up an online chat group for other people in a similiar situation and using the information she’s given by people she speaks to, she hacks into different websites to try and help others find their lost loved ones. which also means going as far as hacking into the police databases.

at some point, the nypd begin to catch on to her, and so they send someone undercover to try and get close to liz and find out if she’s really fucking with their systems and what in general she’s actually up to. which in this case, the guy they send under cover is henry’s partner. so, mr. partner flirts his way into liz’s life and into her business and they kinda get this thing going and eventually he catches her out and realizes she’s been hacking a bunch of different websites like not just the police databases but like, she’s a literal pro hacker so basically they end up putting her on parole for like six months. which, liz is majorly fucked off about not just because helo she’s stuck with a fucking ankle monitor and is now a known criminal because she liked the guy too? and he just kinda completely fucked her over and no not okay.

so, eventually she gets out on parole and whatnot, but the day she goes to get her monitor removed mr. partner is chilling there waiting for her and liz is v v bitter like ?? pal wyd here? and he basically explains he thinks he should be the one to clear her and she’s kinda lmao why because you’re the reason it’s there orrrrr? but mr. partner guy apologizes for what happened n stuff and is basically lowkey still tryna get in her pants because he liked her too and whatever.

okay so, in the show this chick has this rly cute best friend n she owns a club and she’s just, i love her a lot she’s a great character which, in this au i see being liv? like, liz and liv would be living together or at least how i see it like i’m just going off the show here okay. and liv has this really cool underground club and just, yes. but so liz comes to said club like lmfao guess who just cleared me blah blah.

so, then a little later on liz n liv are going back to said club and liv mentions that she set liz up on a dating app because honey u need to get over mr. detective this bad. which liz is super ?!?! about at first because rip why. but anyway liz ends up chillin’ in this club and basically being approached by a bunch of guys from this app for the rest of the night n whatnot cool cool. that probably doesn’t seem important but the dating app thing is to the general plot oKAy.

so, she decided to leave which helo welcome to her first encounter w/henry since she seen him last which was likely when she was getting put on parole tbh. so, basically from minute one it’s legit just :)))))))) with one another bc fucking hate ur guts well i hate urs too. but henry basically calls her out like, you know you were on parole you weren’t supposed to put your hands near a computer n shit. because the entire time she’s gotten herself a job at a big corporation company where she can easily do her little hacking work and try help find missing people on a completely different server rather than her home one and he’s like. :-)))) if i was you :-)))) i’d get a job in a big company where i can camouflage myself :-)))) also :-))) we have several invalid log ins to the missing persons debatable js js :-))))) sounds kinda like you :-))))) which has liz like well lol someone has got to do the job that you won’t so. and henry is kinda like lol just because my partner ol’ pal has a thing for you doesn’t mean i won’t arrest you if i need to soOooO.

so liz walks off after that and while she’s on her way back to her n liv’s she gets a text like hey was rly good meeting you tonight to which she’s like ?? new phone who dis? and in the process almost gets hit by a car because no looking where she’s going which the next text ends up being “ouch, that could’ve hurt.” aka leaving liz like?? what the actual fuck?? so the minute she gets home basically she starts searching up each of the guys she spoke to like trying to find out who the fuck it was and in the process gets sent a bunch of pictures from when she almost got hit by the car and she realizes her webcam is on and what the frickle someone is watching me?

but anyway she talks it out with liv when she gets back and liz decided she wants to go on a date with three of the guys from the app she was using because she suspects its one of those guys. so flash forward to the dates, which are back in that same club n liz is chilling like talking to these guys one at a time and convinces them with an excuse of finding this really addictive game on her phone for them to give her theirs so she can ‘download it’ which in that case she actually installs a tracker and allows herself the access into their phones whenver she pleases. while this is happening liv was lowkey a lil concerned because mm i don’t really want my friend dying so mr. detective ends up there which liz does not likey at all whatsoever because he realizes what she’s doing with the hacking shit and tries to get her to stop the whole date thing.

also, bonus is in that scene the best friend is like “i thought this guy was cheating on me once.. i know, what idiot would cheat on me? but i got her to hack his phone and i watched his every move.” and idk that seems very liv which make’s me laugh like just that start bit.

anyway, liz accidentally picks up one of the wrong phones n goes to retrieve her phone from the one guy that it was but lmAo. because when she does find the guy plot twist he’s dead.

so, she instantly goes to detective boi n his partner aka our fave grump henry haddock. and basically they tried to find where the texts were coming from but it’s just, it’s amusing because she asks to use one of the computers and the guy i basically see henry as is like lol if you can behave yeah maybe. and then legit two seconds later liz takes out this usb like lol so hey this isn’t legal and he’s just ??????? *insert v dramatic eye roll here.*

but it’s just a lot of, her showing them the fact she hacked into the dating app and then cross referenced it to the nypd database which results in just banter between her n henry because he’s just ?? ffs woman??

but they figure out that someone is using the app to stalk n kill people so that’s a thing too.

anYWay. so, mr. detective takes liz home n doesn’t wanna let her out of his sights because yano she’s being stalked by a possible serial killer so. but that basically turns into the two of them hooking up n there’s feelings there and all that good shit so.

okay so, while liz is at work in the shitty business place, her computer gets hacked by this stalker serial killer guy and he shows footage of inside her and liv’s apartment which liv is currently walking around in and basically liz is like !! fuck !! because it shows a figure walking around in all black and liz calls her but she doesn’t answer and so she calls detective guy and is freaking out tf. so both her and detective guy start heading toward the apartment and just as liz calls liv again she’s like ?? honey like i’m at the club what are you talking about i’m fine?? aka liz is now like holy fucking shit it was a recording and cop guy is up there and fuck because he’s now not answering his phone either.

so when liz does get to the apartment there is this weird mannequin doll sitting w/a laptop and when the screen lights up mr cop guy is on there and he starts getting all !! please don’t come looking for me !! but liz recognizes where he is which is the roof of their apartment building so she goes up looking for him and well :-))))))))))))))))))

:-)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

did you guess it??? he’s dead lmfao.

but he’d called backup before he came so lol henry lands up to the roof and o there’s a very upset usually sassy blonde and o there’s my dead partner well fuck and tbh in the show he legit drags the chick away from the body which is kinda an emotional time i cried my lil bitch ass heart out but anywho.

i liTERALLY JUST WROTE THE ENTIRE FULL FIRST EPISODE AM I OKAY.

i’m trying not to miss any details even though it’s just an au like i’m not trying to be super specific to the show or anything but it’s just there’s a lot of little things that i felt need to explained and added in because they’re important to the general plot?

but basically like, after that i mean i haven’t watched all the episodes yet but i’m genuinely fucking living for the idea of liz and henry then working together. because in the show that’s what happens originally liz is working alone like she always does and she’s back flirting with the two guys from the app from before and trying to figure out which one killed detective guy but it’s fucking with henry’s plan because he’s trying to catch both those guys also because they’re suspects and she’s making it rly difficult when she’s around them too. and there’s this whole scene where he’s parked outside the club and ends up calling her because she walks out with the guy like. :-))))))) we found a body this morning :-))))))) js js :-))))))))))) stop fucking with my shit :-))))))))))) so liz chick is like hA SHIt oKAY goTta GET mE OutTA thiS. coOL Cool.

but then liz gets approached by a member of the nypd who has figured out that she’s been working the case herself and brings her in like look we could help you and you could help us yano yano. so she teams up with them and it’s beneficial for them both because they get to keep an eye on her and she gets to use their resources. but henry doesn’t appreciate this?? no?? wtf?? get her out?? this bitch fr?? especially because liz decides she’s gonna go on a date with one of the guys they’ve figured is their top suspect of the moment and she has to wear one of those mic’s on her dress and henry guy has to follow the car there and shit.

whICH

THERE IS LITERALLY ONE OF THE BEST SCENES AT THAT POINT AND IT FUCKS ME UP OKAY.

because liz chick is standing across the street from where he’s parked like.

“testing testing, how do i look? say what you want it’s not like i can hear you anyway”

bUT HE FUCKING

SAYS

“beautiful”

anD YOU’RE LIKE

FAM

???????????????????????//

but it’s just like, once she started working with the nypd it hit me how this could be made into a lenry au? because they’re super sassy with one another and it’s basically how lenry are/were with like, it’s very clear they dislike one another but over time feelings v v much grow and it’s just a fucking shitshow tbh because they’re both so ?? i mean basically lenry so it fits like a glove fr.

BUT LIKE. I WAS THINKING OF THE CANONS THAT COME FROM THAT LIKE. SO SO SO MANY GOOD CANONS OKAY.

like legit, the entire time she was on the fake date i kept thinking of it as lenry in tha position which it kinda fucks me up because the stalker guy like, hacks into this boat bridge so that henry guys car has to stop following liz girl and her date and momentarily her signal disapears and you can see him genuinely start to freak out like he’s really fucking mad and you’re like what the fuck you care?? what/? bUT IDK MAN OKAY I’M JUST LIVING FOR THIS AND THE AESTHETIC IN GENERAL OF LIKE, LIZ AS A HACKER?? AND HENRY AS A DETECTIVE?? LIKE?? CAN WE??

because i feel like it’s not even unrealistic roles to put them into either?? i’m just really living for this okay so i just needed to share the whole idea of it and whatnot

and it’s just, on top of all the development of their relationship they’re still trying to find this killer/stalker?? and there’s a lot of people still dying and just general shit going down like.

and the killer keeps leaving clues for liz chick like she figures out why he’s doing what he’s doing and what his method is? which is basically that people portray themselves as perfect and whatnot on social media so when he meets them in real life he finds their flaws and it makes him angry so he targets their flaws in his method of killing. the reason he’s so intrigued by liz chick is because he believes she’s perfect so.

but also like, the best friend throws liz chick a surprise birthday party which at that party the best friend is busy and henry guy was there for a little bit because he had walked up to her apartment with her because there was word that the stalker guy was still out doing stuff and whatever but he leaves because he gets a call but while everyone is distracted liz chick starts feeling really fucked up and then stalker guy kidnaps her but it’s literally only so he can make her watch as he kills one of their suspects and it’s just super fucked up so all this shit would be going on too and just yep.

now to fade out into oblivion because this is ridiculously long noice noice. adios.

#lenry!au #au #aesthetic #lenry!aesthetic #moodboard

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safetyqueenofhell · 7 years

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Uh, News?

((its ‘pume rants about life” time))

So uh...hi guys. Funny story. I started out this blog because I loved the headcanon, but was at first hesitant to because of my gender identity or rather, I felt shitty for putting the words in the mouth of a transgender character when I myself was cis. This is a feeling I’ve pretty much always had about the transgender community. I always liked to think myself supportive of this community, but because of a certain rhetoric that plagued me as a kid I never really felt as though I was allowed to relate.

My older sister was a bitch. I dont know if she is now, all I know is that she doesnt wanna feel like ‘the bad guy’ anymore so I’m not allowed to bring it up. She used to draw pictures of me dying in horrible painful ways and talk about how happy thinking of me being mutilated made her. She used to take pictures of me in the shower and show her friends. Eventually convinced mom to force me to watch her shower and let her sleep in my bed with me. Her reasoning to my mother was that she was afraid of serial killers and didnt want to be alone. What she told me was that if someone were to attack she wanted someone else for them to go after, and she loved mom, my dad, and my little sister too much to hurt them. I was expendable.

She also really liked yaoi. There was pretty much gay porn always on the search history of the family computer whenever I tried to look up kingdom hearts or naruto characters. She would causally joke with her friends that she she would trade me for a cute little uke brother in a heartbeat.

When I was 13 I realized I was totally into girls. I (very famously) announced over the dinner table that I was a lesbian while asking my grandma to pass me the potatoes in the same sentence. My older sister was furious. She’d take every opportunity to tell me that I was making it up. That I wasnt really a lesbian, and in fact I was a horrible person for pretending to be a lesbian and invalidating the real struggles of the LGBT community.

This is not the first time I would hear shit like this from her.

Also around this time I started bringing duct tape to school with me. Every day I’d sneak the tape into my backpack, then go to school and strap my breasts down in the bathroom. I didnt really know what it would accomplish, but I liked it. I liked seeing my breasts disappear under my shirt. It wasnt the same as being allowed into the boys locker room like I wanted, but it was close enough.

I started reading books about girls dressing up as boys going on adventures. Not just ‘Mulan’ shit (in fact I came to resent the movie because it is by far the most well known but also the worst depiction of the trope) but also Leviathan, Song of the Lioness, and to a lesser extent The Monstrous Regiment (which is hilarious & gay as all fuck 100% recommend) More then anything I wanted to pass for a boy, even before I knew what transgender was. I cut my hair, I wore the boys school uniform when I left home to go to boarding school, I fantasized about kindling a romance with my roommate. This wasnt to be, alas, (even tho Missa is a literal perfect human being and I love the shit out of her) but I did get to experiment with girls in the form of my first girlfriend ‘E’ and the girl who took my virginity, ‘C’.

When I went home for the first time it was like returning to the darkness. I didnt realize how much I hated my home until I went back that first winter break. I would talk about my experiences (And since I had 0 shame) would also talk about girls. My sister wasnt having it. She’d shut me down in front of my own parents, insisting that I wasnt Bi because she’d never seen any of my girlfriends. Mom wanted us to repair our relationship so she’d make me drive around the street in circles talking to my sister as she repeatedly beat me down.

The next couple of years at school were pretty much blended together. I became something of a “Come Out Kid” in that, for some reason, I was the first person a lot of people told when they started having homosexual or gender divergent thoughts. Particularly girls who didnt know they liked girls until they met me. Coupled with my sister’s abuse, this kinda gave me a fucked up sorta ego that makes other people uncomfortable to this day. I almost force myself not to believe so many people came out because it seems like it couldnt have happened, how could the disgusting leech of a person my sister convinced me I was have so many people be attracted to her? Even still, a fucked up multi-faceted ego is still very much an ago, so I had the confidence to date both boys and girls. I dont wanna get into it now but was also molested by both boys and girls. One of my best friends ‘A’ made her transition, and around senior year I began to suspect that I might be on the agender side as well. My other best friend ‘M’ told me that I only wanted to “Join A on the bandwagon” and I believed him instantly because that was the kind of fucked up person I was.

I came home for break one year and saw my little sister had no contact with any boys at 13, which I found strange considering me and my older sister only hung out with boys at that age. my little sister’s dance studio was run by an entire staff of lesbians who were always incredibly supportive of sexuality and self expression. I thought it only natural that if my sister were gay then she’d probably be open about it. I suggested it to my mom. she threatened to disown me. when i said that was homophobic, she called me a monster for daring to call her such a horrible word. No, she wasnt homophobic. what she was was a mother of a confused 13 year old girl, and would not stand for me trying to police her young, undeveloped sexuality by saying the word ‘lesbian’ in front of her.

That very same summer my older sister harassed me in a public restaurant making fun of the time “grace thought she was gay but was only faking for attention” and I looked into my mothers eyes as she said nothing.

Cut to freshman year of college my older sister was graduating, and I was experimenting with my gender. My sister was ironically a psych major and graduating that year. Since I was forced to care about her again mom tried to force us to love each other by (you guessed it) more stuffing us in a car together and driving around. I admitted that I might be a boy. When I talked about wanting to look and fit in with boys she said if I ‘need to rely on societal norms to justify yourself you’re an anti-feminist and hate yourself for being a woman’ when i said that it just felt right she once again demanded ‘proof’ and went in idiotic circles from there until she slammed the breaks and said she said that I just hate myself and am desperate to be anything other then myself and I’m incredibly pathetic for doing so. She then said that if I were really a boy she’d love and accept me. But I’m not. she said that she forgives me for being such a horrible little sister and its high time i love myself too. she went on to say I’ve been faking my mental illness and I’ve always hated her for no reason and im ruining her life blah blah blah whatever.

Tragic backstory unlocked you get it.

Cut to now. Cut to making this blog. Cut to having the upmost respect and adoration to anyone who is able to come out of the closet. Not disgusting fetishists like myself, real people with real problems to overcome. I loved trans marco and related to her greatly, and made this blog. but soon people started asking me questions. asking for advice. and how the hell could I help? i had no idea what it was like to be trans. All my life I had only pretended to be LGBT so boys would pay attention to me. what could I possibly tell them? I started to look up terminology. I started to read memoirs. I might be a horrible fetishist who spits on the struggles of people who suffer by my mere existence, but goddamnit if anyone is looking at this blog I’m going to do my best to help them through their struggles. I’d agonize for days any time i got an ask about trans issues, trying to make the wording perfect to make up for the fact that i was cis scum capitalizing on the ‘fad’ of trans issues.

and you know fucking what. everything i found. everything i read. all of it i related to. all of it validated me. I thought about it, wrote down my feelings, talked to friends, and pretty much everyone agreed that why the fuck would i even lie about something like this? what could i possibly have to gain?

this is a whole lotta rambling for a whole little payoff. I guess what I’m trying to say is that...like.

I think I’m a boy. I think I’ve always been one.

I dont know if thats the same as being MtF or where the divergence between the experiences lay but. Every time i get mistaken for male i just get this flower of happiness in my heart. thats literally the image that comes to mind. just. happy. happiness rushing through my veins like glittery as fuck happy.

Idk what I even hope to accomplish with this. maybe I hope that, since I cant really come out to my family, I just want someone to...witness me? i dunno. But, Trans!marco helped me, even though I dont share any of her internal conflicts directly. So maybe someone else is reading this too. maybe someone else has been told they’re a faker. maybe someone else’s mother accused them of just trying to ‘get a reaction’ maybe someone else heard that mother bragging to her friends at dinner parties about how brave caitlyn jenner is and patting herself on the back for supporting her. but thank you everyone who has sent me asks. Thanks to all of you. I havent been paying much attention to this blog, and maybe the hiatus is gonna go on a little longer, but thanks to all of you for sticking with me. I love all of you. bless.

-Pume

#not safety #but #i needa talk about this somewhere?#and honestly #this blog made me realize some thangs #abuse #tw: abuse #long post

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