i’ve noticed this in more than one post: many people take posts that talk about how uncomfortable self-deprecation is as a personal affront and get wildly defensive and proud(?) about being self-deprecating. just look at the notes on these posts. why do people vehemently INSIST on being self-deprecating even after they’ve been told why it’s uncomfortable, that it kills the vibe, why it’s an unhealthy mindset in the long run, and people’s personal stories? i’m sorry that’s a weird as fuck thing to cling to.
see, here’s the issue: it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. if you believe you’re “heckin trash” and don’t want to change that view of yourself to accomodate for others, people are going to think you’re a total bummer and not want to be around you, thus giving you an actual reason to believe you’re “heckin trash” because nobody wants to hang out with you and your vibe-harshing attitude.
there’s respectable humility, and then there’s offputting self-deprecation. humility that commands respect is not outright said. it is implied through the way one carries oneself.
humility is the opposite of arrogance. having humility simply means you don’t think of yourself as necessarily better than anyone else; it makes others feel like they are valued around you. c.s. lewis said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.”
self-deprecation ironically horseshoes back around to arrogance (especially when people defend their own self-deprecating tendencies) since you are thinking about yourself again. unlike humility, but similar to arrogance, it assumes that you are uneven with others. self-deprecation isn't just stating your own grievances, it's also stuff like making negative judgements about your traits or turning down compliments. how is that not uncomfortable for everyone else when you criticize a trait they also have, or doubt the sincerity of their compliments? the focus has come back to the self and not the other. this is why self-deprecation gets so uncomfortable. you’re not making people around you feel like a valued equal. you’re making it about yourself. and when you reject people’s objective comments and feedback that you are good because you personally don’t feel that way, that’s not humility. you’re actively making people feel unvalued and driving them away.
like have you ever tried to tell someone they’re not worthless/bad/negative thing, and ever felt how uncomfortable it is when they can’t take the compliment even when you mean it from the bottom of your heart because it doesn’t align with how they see themself? doesn’t that feel invalidating? like you just wasted your time with this person? but when someone says, “OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!” it feels so, SO affirming of your sentiment. that’s not being arrogant. i always have this perspective in mind. that’s why i say thank you to compliments and sometimes go the extra mile to explain what that comment meant to me if applicable (i.e. “thank you so much, i worked really hard on it..[bla bla bla maybe a struggling situation from my pov but said a way that doesn’t demean myself], so this comment seriously means a lot to me”) so that the other person feels further affirmed and validated.
people say to do the opposite when they feel like deprecating themselves, to self-aggrandize (“i failed my test i am so sexy etc”), but, while it’s okay sometimes, that’s just as annoying in excess. people need to realize that you can have humility without self-deprecating yourself at every turn. i think the first step is to remove yourself as a subject from the equation. because again, “humility isn’t thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less”. instead of going, “i’m so stupid” as though you at your core are an oaf and failure of a human being, you can contextualize it in terms of a temporarily blunder that has no bearing on you as a subject, i.e. “that was stupid of me”. and this is actually a more objective lens. but don’t keep it on yourself. learn and then just Move On. make your negative value judgments of yourself temporary and contextualized. if you can’t contextualize it to some external effect in this way then it’s not worth talking about and ruining everybody’s parade over.
tldr; bitches will be like “im heckin trash lol” and i’ll be like “thats lame nobodys gonna want to hang out with you if you talk like that. stop being self-deprecating it kills the vibe. have some dignity”, then bitches reply “no” and later down the line are surprised when nobody wants to be around them. just put an end to the cycle now. read people’s stories about how stopping self-deprecating humor and thoughts made them and the people around them happier. humility isn’t thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less. self-deprecation and telling everyone how trash you are and refusing to hear anything else is closer to arrogance than true humility.
things I’ve heard college students say pt. 19
-my major is doing your mom in the mouth
-at least when my exams fuck me it’s not in a twin xl
-parking in faculty parking from now on since I seem to be teaching myself everything
-all the freshman walking to the bars reminds me of the mii plaza
-why am I awake and not wasted
-my toxic trait is that business majors are my type
-nothing more demeaning than getting handed doordash by yourself in broad daylight
-i’m telling FAFSA y’all grocery shop at whole foods
-went to dunkin and asked for avocado toast and they took me out back and shot me
-choosing not to do the reading once is like a gateway drug
-Everyone talking about how hard their midterms are gonna be, while me, a psych major, is wondering what color I’m gonna paint my nails when I get home
-i think I need someone to rail me until I can’t walk. That should cure my depression, right?
-let's skip the chocolates this valentine’s day and get right to breaking my back
-i’m just very upset that I didn’t wake up as an Italian aristocrat today
-i don’t want to say the people, because that sounds populist–
-at least the anorexia stopped the alcoholism
-to the guy who was staring at me as I bought ultra size tampons in target, you fucking wish
-should i watch the notebook and become suicidal
-“you have a nice smile” okay so cum on it