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#self deprecating humor

Do you ever feel like you are the fat friend? The friend to be laughed at? The fat and lame person in group sport? I can’t take that anymore, I need to lose a ton of weight, I need to be the skinniest of my friends, I need to be the best at school and sport, and arts. I really need to not be this lame because I know no one loves me 🤡🤡

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Me contemplating on whether i should die or not and thinking that i should just shave my hair off to make people not recognise me.

Next day: classmate/friend probably had another mental breakdown again and shave her hair.

Few days later:

Another classmate/friend : asking for opinion on whether she should shave her hair cause she is tired of long hair.

Me thinking thats so cool and at the same think keep asking why, is she ok? Is she trying to tell mr something? Or maybe it is a new trend to shave their hair? Gets worried and overthinks again

Me think maybe it is coincidence. Me doubting everything.

Coincidence? I think not!

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So like sometimes I forget that I have a mental illness and I’ll feel normal for a couple of days and than something happens and I break down and be totally confused. But than I remember that my mind is fucking unstable and that most of my breakdowns are caused by, well, me.

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I googled something yesterday.

It made me a little freaked out

I did a test… But I can’t tell if the results were accurate…

One friend suggested going to the chemist. Another recommended the doctor- not after Tuesday mornings epic catastrophe!

It was mortifying!

I went to Tesco on my lunch break. I was already feeling anxious. Then I had an anxiety attack because the test would not scan! Luckily, the shop assistant was understanding and they gave me a bag to hide my test in…

I’m being purposely vague here- only a specific subset of my followers will understand what I mean

As for the thing with the boy…

I am definitely experiencing unrequited love… Wether or not he feels the same I know he’s not ready to tell me and right now I’m not at the place where it would work out.

Hopefully the next test I try will give me a definite answer. Although, with my history I feel vaguely broken and missing out on the way most people’s lives go… My friend said that was a misogynistic view to have and that I’m not put in the world to make men happy. That’s the thing tho isn’t it?

Someone asked me to name my most positive healthy relationship and the only ones I could think of was my first boyfriend (he cheated on me) and my first girlfriend (I cheated on her). So neither counts. The only person I’ve dated that I can 100% it was wonderful was the most recent guy I’ve dated… And he ruined that by choosing a cowardly way to break up instead of meeting up and talking about it where he would have realised that I agreed. I do feel so damn smitten with him but it’s way too soon for me to be dating.

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Todos me dicen que

Puedo tener al hombre que yo quiera

De que me vale eso

Si no te puedo tener a ti

Te lo juro que lo dejaría todo

Solo déjame entrar en ese corazón

Déjame ser feliz juntos…

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