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iwritenarrativesandstuff · 4 days

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Killua and the Power of Wishes

Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.

As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.

One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.

Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.

Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.

Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.

To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.

I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.

Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.

What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.

[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]

This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.

When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.

Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.

[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]

It's such an innocent, simple want.

And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.

In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:

Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."

Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)

Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."

And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!

So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.

10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.

Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.

It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.

Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).

"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"

The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.

Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?

Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]

Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.

And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.

This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.

It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.

[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]

I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.

However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.

Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.

[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]

I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.

But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.

Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]

Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?

Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.

[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]

Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".

I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.

...holy shit, kid.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]

And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(

What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.

In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.

Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.

[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]

Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.

Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.

They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:

As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course

Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo

I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.

Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.

The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.

So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.

Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.

It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.

Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.

Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]

Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.

Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.

Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.

And Alluka tears into him for it.

[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]

You tell him, girl.

Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?

"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.

Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.

And neither should Killua.

[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]

It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.

Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.

And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...

[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]

...she doesn't even have to think about it.

I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.

#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl #but i'm so tired lmao #anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck #killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever #this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them #nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world #ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week #hunter x hunter #hxh #hxh meta #killua zoldyck #call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles #also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh #he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've #done the same lmaoooo #it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.

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ctl-yuejie · 8 months

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#hidden agenda #i complained a bit about this series so in return i am going to gif my favourite bits #i am not immune to how good they are looking #laughing in pondphuwin at joong treating dunk like he isn't taller than him #and i am not immune to the carry around #and i have a soft spot because they are bringing back the double denim combo both in the series and irl #and very much not immune to dunk hooking his ridicously long legs around joongs #i think they could've taken it even a bit slowers but it was sweet how joke tried to make zo less anxious #when will a show not tease me a shower scene but just give me one especially when one hasn't had sex before #just let the guys shower and get used to looking at each other naked and then they can have fun on the bed #taking a shower is kind of a prerequisite in some countries i lived in....dunno how this is in thailand (as in: yes - obv people will have #sex without showering but it is much rarer than in germany and showering at someone's place is kind of a netflix and chill level insinuatio #even when it is done under some excuse)#maybe this show is just hitting it for me because of all the denim combos

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ratwithhands · 7 months

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I picked up The Anatomy Of Colour at the public library a few days ago and there's a part showcasing a bunch of different colour palettes that used to be popular for interiors. I wanted to try using one for an illustration (granted it's invisible due to the filtering), so I made this.

I have a lot of concepts for how Gear Station is built and how it looks, and one of the main things is the presence of a convention hall on the top floor. It's part of a different headcanon about how the twins will sometimes host events or parties for the public for certain holidays/tournaments in the area. Back when Gear Station was first built, this would've been one of the main gathering places in Nimbasa, but now it's mostly unused until a special event comes up. Considering it's effectively a ballroom with giant windows, it's a good spot to just see the city.

I feel like the twins would pace around here if they ever needed a break from work. It's a good place to walk off stress and just step back a bit. Emmet would probably hang there more since Ingo's disappearance.

There's also this version with the filters off.

It's been a while since I've drawn anything so I might be a bit rusty ^^*. I think this came out pretty well all things considered. Hope you guys have a good night.

#submas #emmet #subway master emmet #emmet pokemon #kudari #fanart #pokemon fanart #I actually have an animatic concept for Waving Through a Window that takes place in the same room #but that's for the musical version #There's a different one for the mashup with Owl City where it focuses on their two perspectives #That one is more about how Ingo stresses out about how to present himself and how Emmet wishes Ingo would look at him #instead of staring out at the crowd all the time since he's more focused on/worried about other people #anyways this was fun‚ I haven't done lineless digitally in 4 years #I could've lined the background but that would've taken waaaay too long to complete #besides I think this captures a specific vibe #anyways let me know what you guys think #have a good night

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angelsdean · 5 months

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Jack: Yeah, he-he wasn't all bad, my dad. Uh, that's what makes our parents loom so large in our heads, I think. They're… a million things to us all at once.

And even after they're long gone, we're stuck with them. Can't help it. They're inside of us. You know, my whole life, I promised myself I'd be nothing like him, but…I ended up just like him.

Kevin: No, Dad. You're way better than him.

Jack: Thank you, my son. And you're gonna be way better than me.

— 5x07, This Is Us

#this is us watch #gonna rb this in a sec to say exactly this but. scenes that could've been dean and jack. scenes that ARE dean and jack. 2 me.#the father son relationships on this show are soo good and rich and they GET the complexity of the dynamic between fathers and sons #and it's the exact same complexity dean has for john. that ability to hold both love and hate for a parent #and neither feeling cancels the other out. they both just. co-exist #and that's what jack (this is us) is getting at here. that your parents can be a million things to you all at once #that you can love them for the good times and hate them for the bad and you'll carry them with you forever #you imagine them to be one way all your life then you grow up and realize oh. they were just a flawed person like anyone else.#or you become a parent and you worry you're becoming like them. and at the same time u realize how hard it is to be a parent #how easy it is to mess up without even trying #and you'll talk to your son about it. and you'll fear you're doing everything wrong #and your son will look at you and say 'no dad. you're way better than him'#and you'll hope that your son turns out to be an even better person #because you just want the best for your kids.#and just. this is a scene dean and jack could've had. another time they go fishing and john comes up #and dean tells him how bad it was sometimes. but how it wasn't all bad. because it wasn't.#and he'll worry he isn't doing things right with jack. and jack will look at him like he's his hero #because he is. because jack loves dean so much. loves the quality time they spend together. it's their love language #and he'll tell him 'no you're way better than your dad'#and dean will do the ol' face pat. like he's done before. like bobby used to do with him. and draw him in for a hug #anyways. i feel fine abt it.#fathers and sons !!!!!!!!!!!!

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hangryyeena · 11 days

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SquidgeWorld refusing to even talk about Palestine and other genocides happening because "this a fandom space" is wild and severely disappointing

#squidgeworld #// rant #'death threats' are not an excuse to stay silent!!!!#yeah they're not cool but you made it clear you wouldn't say anything either #stop allowing to look away by giving them a space where they can #what about palestinians or sudanis or congolese folk who are being genocided-#-who want the privilege to read fics on your site?? they don't matter??#'you wouldn't ask google 'what's your stance on x' you are not google!!! you are *one* person!!!!#'fandom spaces are sacred' sacred enough to turn a blind eye to genocide?? the fuck???#fuck your 'escapism' you are encouraging people to look away #that's not escapism that's ignoring the world in favor of your happiness #the LEAST you COULD'VE done was making a post saying you want a free palestine/sudan/dr congo/etc. or express SOME form of solidarity #'yes the world is unjust' then speak up bitch!!!!#so ao3 are zionists and squidgeworld is refusing say anything #maybe it's better for nobody to use your site 🤷🏾‍♀️#if you can't even stand in solidarity with people of color then you don't actually care about fandom #because the people being genocided that you don't care about are the same people in these 'fandom spaces' you claim to care about!!#honestly feel like a damn fool for even suggesting people migrate there from ao3 #people who look away are not allies. they're cowards who don't want to lose support for being on the right side of history #anyways free palestine/sudan/dr congo/haiti/hawaii/tigray and other countries and nations experiencing genocide!!!#by refusing to speak up you have chosen the side of the oppressor.#long post

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sysig · 11 months

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Almost familiar (Patreon)

#Doodles #Deltarune #Spamton #Pink Addison #A rare one-off #Doodle-thinking around the Adds missing Spamton as Addispam #Hide or move the features that don't match with memory #Though now that I think of it he kept the black shirt he just put a white turtleneck underneath it huh haha #I was mostly just thinking about the White feature since his chest hair is dark like the hair on his head haha #Pink you're covering his hair with your hand! His hair wasn't pink! Unless he could've done the colour-shifting as well haha #Only able to do pastels? :3c Hmm ♪#I like how their poses turned out ♪ Faces angled towards each other so close so far #Also did the nose-lip thing with Pink again haha it's a cute look #You have him back isn't that enough you greedy bastard <3

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tvckerwash · 4 months

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hmmm I'm thinking about wash's stance on the training accident and I think it would be so funny if he gave maine a lecture about it afterwards

#they have a whole moment together that essentially boils down to wash telling maine that he's should know better and that bad orders exist #and maine is genuinely sorry because he knows it was a bad call and he tells wash that #and wash replies with “I know you are but I'm not the one who you should be apologizing too.”#wash treating maine like he's a human being with thoughts and feelings instead of a mindless weapon my beloved #maine is not happy about having to apologize to york btw. idk why we all decided that maine hates york but it's so funny #maine is a man of few words and he cannot stand the fact that york is incapable of shutting the fuck up lol #rvb #red vs blue #agent maine #agent washington #mine #lina lectures wyoming later after she knows that york is going to be okay #I really like the idea of wash being beta squads field leader and when he and ct get bumped up he shares leader duties w lina #lina is probs a commissioned officer so she technically outranks wash in under regard but she's probably fresh out of the academy when shes #recruited for pfl and commissioned officers are expected to learn the ropes from enlisted nco's so I like to think that she #really values wash's opinion on stuff and she feels confident knowing that she can look to him #the other freelancers could've done the same thing but they're all kinda. you know. so wash got the position by virtue of being the only gu #who had the balls to go up to lina and make the proposition of *gasp* cooperation #i actually have a hc that when wash and ct were first moved up and were on their first mission w alpha squad #stuff was bad and wash sort of undercuts lina by giving south and maine different orders (bc they were also both previously beta squad)#and said orders ended up being the right call and carolina is kind of mad about wash ignoring her authority #so after they get debriefed wash apologizes to lina in the locker room for it bc it was not his intention to steal her thunder #and he asks if they can start over and maybe work something out #and lina accepts his apology and york is kinda balking bc the way wash words it sounds vaguely like he's asking her on a date #york gets no bitches and cannot complete with wash's earnest rizz bdhshj

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pebbledrat · 11 months

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The longer I'm around the more convinced I become that Jill and Michael also had some kinda codependent-besties archetype thing going on?? they may or may not even have been aware of it, but like. they're kind of a matched set, you know? Frequently purchased together, do not separate them

#this is based more on vibe then evidence but like. boy oh boy is there evidence #you could look at how the Lovers archetype affected Raven and Lloyd when they got split up and then compare that to Michael spiraling #idk. obviously there are a lot of factors at play here but like. sort of chronologically-#they were trapped in the tower together and had to stay sane for each other. making up games together. trying not to crack.#she was his first friend. you know?#they show up to the dinner party together. they bring wine and scotch! (she taught him to drink)#(they used to laugh and drink and party together until suddenly they couldn't anymore)#jill takes the chance to admit to lloyd that she worries about michael. to which!!!! lloyd says!! at least he has you #jill and michael's well being has ALWAYS been interwoven #or like. or like. in act 6 in the final battle jill follows her own melody line bc she's ticked and this is personal #compared with michael who doesn't have a personal stake in this other than the playhouse crew being involved!#michael doesn't have his own melody. he sings to the love and a dream playhouse tune bc that's his motivation for fighting #UNTIL jill is in danger!! when Michael jumps in to save her he finally gets his own musical flavor in the song! then it's banjo boy time #idk. there was a lot of loss and multiple different traumas Michael went through after that. but suddenly he's alone again #at least he's not stuck in a swamp or a tower for years but. he's all the way back to square one. he's alone. he doesn't cope well with that #and while he misses all of them he really misses jill. at the worst of it he doesn't even want to reunite with lloyd and david #but like. he's in a real bad way. he's hit rock bottom and he carries so much guilt over not being able to help jill #to the point where even hearing that there's hope is crushing to him bc it means that there Was something he could've done #and he did nothing #he's devastated all over again not just bc he lost her. but bc he abandoned her. he failed her.#we don't have nearly as much about how jill is doing but we do have her song titled Michael about their early relationship #and the way they rely on each other #go listen to that and tell me the narrative wouldn't just eat that up and link their destinies and mental stability #they spent years in level five. you can't tell me they got away with all this unscathed #i definitely think losing son mi was a big part of why michael spiraled but this essay is about jill and michael specifically #hdhjdfhrjrdgtsg how long can post go (challenge mode)#pebble speaks #shaperaverse

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keelanrosa · 16 days

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terfs when a study shows literally anything positive about trans people/transitioning: 'hm i think this requires some fact-checking. Were those researchers REALLY unbiased? Because if they were biased this doesn't count and if they weren't knowingly biased they probably were unconsciously biased, woke media affects so much these days. Have there been any other studies on this? Because if there haven't been this could be an outlier and if there have been and they all agree that's a bit odd, why aren't there any outliers, and if there have been and any disagree we really won't know the truth until we very thoroughly analyze them all, will we? Were there enough subjects for a good sample size? Did every single subject involved stay involved through the whole study because if they didn't we should be sure nothing shady was going on resulting in people dropping out. Are we 110% sure all the subjects were fully honest and at no point were embarrassed or afraid to admit they didn't love transitioning to the people in charge of their transition? Are we 110% sure none of the subjects were manipulated into thinking they were happy with their transition? In fact we should double-check what they think with their parents, because if the subjects and their parents disagree it's probably because they've been manipulated but their cis parents have not and are very unbiased. How many autistic subjects were there because if there weren't enough then this doesn't really study the overlap between autistic and trans and if there were too many then we just don't know enough about what causes that overlap to be sure this study really explains being trans and isn't just about being autistic. How many AFAB subjects were there because if there weren't enough this is just another example of prioritizing AMAB people and ignoring the different struggles of girls and women and if there were too many how do we know sexism didn't affect the results. Was the study double-blinded? We all know double-blinded is the most reliable so if this one wasn't that's a point against it even if the thesis literally physically could not be double-blinded. Look i'm not being transphobic, i want what's best for trans people! Really! But as a person who is not trans and therefore objective in a way they cannot possibly be, i just think we should only take into account Good Science here. You want to be following science and not being manipulated or experimented upon by something unscientific, right?'

terfs when they see a study of 45 subjects so old it predates modern criteria for gender dysphoria and basically uses 'idk her parents think she's too butch', run by a guy who practiced conversion therapy, 'confirmed' by a guy who treated the significant portion of subjects who didn't follow up as all desisting, definitely in the category of 'physically cannot double-blind this', completely contradicted by multiple other studies done on actual transgender subjects, but can be kinda cited as evidence against transitioning if you ignore everything else about it: 'oOOH SEE THIS IS WHAT WE'RE TALKIN BOUT. SCIENCE. Just good ol' unbiased thorough analysis. I see absolutely no reason to dig any deeper on this and if you think it's wrong you're the one being unscientific. It's really a shame you've been so thoroughly brainwashed by the trans agenda and can't even accept science when you see it. Maybe now that someone has finally uncovered this long-lost study from 1985, we can make some actual progress on the whole trans problem.'

#science #transphobia #cass review #less 'cass review' generally more 'zucker specifically' because this same problem exists outside cass #have lost count of the number of times i've seen 'well THAT study may have said most trans kids persist but it MUST be wrong'#'there's another study says the exact opposite. that one's right. obviously.'#but cass is why i'm annoyed by it now #normally i don't have a problem with critical observations and questions. yeah check your science! that's good!#there have been some bullshit studies and some bullshit interpretations of good studies! scientific literacy is important!#and normally also am willing to pretend the people pulling reaction 1 on some studies and reaction 2 on others are. not the same group.#but now there's a ton of cass supporters tryna say 'oh the cass review didn't reject or downplay anything for being pro-trans!'#'some studies just weren't given much weight for being poor evidence! not our fault those were all studies with results trans people like!'#…….………….aight explain why zucker's findings are used for the 'percentage of trans kids who don't stay trans' stat instead of anyone else's.#would've been more scientifically accurate to say 'yeah we just don't know.'#'studies have been done but none of them fit our crack criteria sooooo *shrug*'#like COME ON at least PRETEND you're genuinely checking scientific correctness and not looking for excuses to weed out undesirable results #am also mad about zucker in particular because his is possibly the most famous bullshit study #quite bluntly if you're doing trans research and think 'yeah this one seems reasonable' you. are maybe not well-informed enough for the job #there's just no way you genuinely look at the research with an eye toward accurate science regardless of personal bias #and walk away thinking 'hm that zucker fellow seems reasonable. competent scientists will respect that citation.'#that's one or two steps above doing a review of vaccine science and seriously citing wakefield's mmr-causes-autism study #it doesn't matter what the rest of your review says people are gonna have OPINIONS on that bit #and outside anti-vaxxers most of those opinions will be 'are you actually the most qualified for this because ummmm.'#people who agree with everything else will still think someone more competent could've done a much better job #people who disagree with everything else will point to that as proof you don't know shit and why should we listen to you #anyway i'd love a hugeass trans science review with actual fucking standards hmu if you know of one cause this ain't it #……does tumblr still put a limit on how many tags you can include guess me and my tag essay are about to find out.

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moongothic · 8 months

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I have been stuck in Knitting Jail for most of this year, slowly working on making just a bunch of basic ass scarves to give out on Crimbus

They are wonky, they're frankly put downright laughable, but they're usable and extremely soft and that's what really matters

#Yarncraft Diary #Moon posting #Somehow fucked up the color balancing on the second photo so they look really red in that one but I can't be bothered to fix that #No I did not bother with rolling them all out because. They're just wonky ass scarves man. They're not that interesting #One is just a plain white scrf and three have like even striping patterns on them #Really the only ''interesting'' one is the bottom one on the second photo since the middle section of it is green #So there's only stripes on the ends of it #But yeah. They're just rectangles. Extremely wonky rectangles #Yes I did block them you can even see it on the slightly pointy sides of the scarves lmao #Tbh the wonkiness kinda looks worse when they're just rolled out on a flat surface like this #Like if you were actually wearing them the wonkiness wouldn't be that noticable (probably)#Also to be fair I probably could've finished these sooner had I not taken breaks to do other projects between scarves but like.#Knitting scarves is not interesting. I was losing my fucking mind. I needed breaks desperately #So I did other shit from time to thime #But it's fine now 'cause these fuckers are DONE and I am FREE from Knitting Jail and can return to Crochet My Beloved

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shikai-the-storyteller · 4 months

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Clawing at the walls I hate that I don't have enough time to keep up with all the QSMP and Purgatory POVs / lore I'm interested in, I JUST WANNA KNOW WHATS HAPPENING!!!! I WANNA SEE IT ALL!!!!!!

#i talk #qsmp talk #purgatory talk #IM A SPONGE FOR KNOWLEDGE AND INFORMATION AND THE CONSTANT FLOW IS EXCEEDING MY ABILITY TO ABSORB #by which I mean being an adult with a full-time job makes it so hard to be a QSMP fan OTL #I just wanna know all the things... and not just summaries I want all the juicy details #I want to know the exact quotes I need primary sources #I don't like hearing things second-hand and even when I DO hear them from trusted sources #I like looking things up myself because #what was the tone? what was the context? what was the response to what was said?#It's important!!! It can change my entire perspective rather than if I just took a quote or summary at face value!!!!#agh!!!!#QSMP / MCYT as a whole was the worst possible media for me to get into because it's IMPOSSIBLE to know it all #Meanwhile I'm cited the official gosh dang Transf0rmers wiki #because I'm literally the ONLY person who transcribed an interview from one of the (at the time) recent TV show writers #I wish I'd known how to archive / download streams at the time. It's lost media and I'm so glad I summarized things / transcribed stufd #* stuff. But I could've done it even better...#anyways that's a big reason why I run R.A. I want the clips for my own sake but I also like providing context for other fans #agh. I AM mostly exhilarated with the Purgatory 2 things because Quackity's commentating is SO fun #and it's a good way for me to keep up w/ multiple POVs without watching 10 streams at once #but I'm still missing out on things. And I've missed SO MUCH QSMP lore.#I never used to miss a Phil stream but now I'm so behind on VODs #OTL #none of this is super serious complaining this is more of a ''man wouldn't it be nice if I could do it all?'' thing #Anyways. Idk if you read tags Bell but if you see this — you're a real one for posting so many clips #I appreciate you so much #*** Meanwhile I'm cited on #missed a word there

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pointsfortrying · 5 months

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#rye rants #vent #don't know if i can “we stay silly” out of this one gang #vent:tm: im just yelling into the void fslkjsdklrkd head in hands #me when i. face the consequences of my actions #my gpa is going to be Plummeting this semester we are in the fucking. trenches #i loveeee when mental health/family/and also my uni being a fucking hellhole because Yeah fucking Sure #let's bring a god damn '''isre*li''' to speak here Yeah I definetly want to stay in this school and havent been looking for alternatives #going to keep being pissed off about that!#just.#head in hands #the classes were easy as well and that's the fucking. worst part because i Know i could've done them i just.#didn't! because i kind of really wanted to just leave the school or vandalize it in between other forms of protest/arguing with #god damn z.ionist teachers/faculty + general health/mental health shit just. gah #technically still got an hour to try and raise my grades up a bit but like Hah i give up #me when. i don't even fucking Need a good gpa. it's god damn video game design. portfolios are more important #i should care less about grades! I don't need the god damn. best possible grades but Ragh #<- the constant self internalized need to prove oneself #me when. university is the first time in my life i can actually Understand school and thus have a need to excel in order to #prove that i've always been capable and it was just my enviroment/situation #god #i hate my brain and i really wish the world we lived in was less of an ass but fuck it!#what other option is there beside staying silly and fuck it we ball #i wish my brain would work but i don't get that because god had to nerf me when i was born or else i'd be too god damn strong apparently #<- they'll be okay and things Very likely don't have consequences that matter but they've been. Very frustrated and needs to complain a bit #stares off into the distance one day i'll get therapy or some form of aid to get some healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the fucked up #systems and perceptions in my head #until that day though fuck it we ball we stay silly #slams fist on floor me when i am human and i feel human emotions such as frustration #fucked up

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roseofcards90 · 5 months

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Made some pie crust tonight for my apple pie tomorrow!!! :3

#if it's one thing I love it's baking even if I'm not the best at it lol #idk why but my thoughts drifted to that one coworker at work that ended up despising me 😭 maybe it was because I was frustrated at the time #and it wasn't her fault that she wasn't trained properly but she kept thinking I was disrespecting her when I wasn't trying to 😭#idk maybe I could've handled that situation better but she also yelled at me to get out in front of customers so 😭#idk I don't really want to go back there but maybe it just bothered me and that I could've done better #and when I look at my situation now it's like yeah ofc this other person would hate you lol you can't do anything about it #I'm not making any sense but yeah #I told myself I wouldn't be like you #I will be better #if only I could've been your friend #my posts

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mawarsmess · 2 years

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budget comic of bdubs's and tango's open mic performances because that was hilarious

#i could've added more color but i didn't feel like it #i would've done grian #but i already drew him and i wanted to try tango out #maybe ill do scar and grian some other time #hopefully they'll look bettter than this one lmao #tangotek #bdubs #hermitcraft #mawart #there is no quality in this dashboard

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wolves-in-the-world · 2 years

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I've been encouraged to share archie thoughts oh no

so. so. okay. been thinking this over because I have historically been more generous with archie (this is one of those things where the show doesn't show us the awful, just leaves us to fill in the blanks, and I automatically filled them in a very specific way), and these posts floating around are changing my mind a bit, BUT.

"That building's completely locked down. They're gonna catch her. And it's all at your door. She was perfect. You ruined her. If you'd left her alone--"

the context of this as a reaction to the fact that parker's risking her life by staying? the fact that she's putting her life in the hands of these people who archie doesn't know, hasn't vetted, doesn't trust - he's not trusting her judgement here, yes, there is a large element of not seeing her as an adult, yes, not seeing her as her own person, he needs to be snapped out of that and this episode is kind of doing that - and the ''she was perfect and you ruined her'' phrasing is really fucking ugly...

but.

he trained her not to take risks. he trained her to be safer than that. and he's kinda messed up but he does care about her, is glad for her at the end and does want her to be safe and happy, and it is terrifying in that moment to realise that she isn't (because of him). that she's choosing not to be and that he has to trust these strangers now and trust that they're good enough to see parker safely through it.

he hasn't seen what we've seen. what we've seen is several seasons of proof that the leverage team are exceptional and also, frankly, lucky. (OG leverage operates under very specific rules to maintain the optimism. doesn't mean the possibility of death isn't there. parker could've died there; we just knew it wasn't going to happen.)

this is just a feeling, but I think that archie didn't often work with others, and taught her to do the same. (and he did work with the team in the end, for her. both in the last dam job and, eventually, here: he relaxed enough, respected her and her choice of team enough, to do it. and he realised that she had good judgement.)

like… it's ugly, the way he talks about her in that scene. it's possessive and weird and parker deserves so much more than to just be his legacy. but that moment where he told nate you've killed her is possibly the one that reflects best on his character, to me, and that moment & this one are all muddled together. you've killed her. you've ruined her. she was perfect. she was meant to safe. I taught her as a child and she was never meant to die like this, what have you done?

and then that's the last of Him Being Weird that we see. it's very easy for me to see that - parker standing up to him, him shocked then re-evaluating then deciding to help out, him complimenting parker's choice of crew as he says goodbye - as a turning point in their relationship. after that, I think he respects her more as her own person than he did before.

(that is my reading of the episode that allows the last dam job etc to not Absolutely Suck.)

#archie #leverage angst #parker #the thing is archie ABSOLUTELY needed a metaphorical kick in the pants #to start treating parker as her own person and not just an extension of his own career.#and he got that here! she did that! she disagreed with him openly and without fear.#and yeah archie's involvement in parker's childhood is less defensible #but what I always assumed there based on uhhh wishful thinking #was that if archie brought parker home parker would've been Gone #she'd done Families before she'd done a Normal Home before she didn't want Any of that thanks #and she was good enough already that you couldn't make her stay anywhere she didn't want to be #an archie in that situation could try anyway (his family looked painfully normal and upper-class so honestly it could've been really #difficult to do that without friction & trouble For Her though yes ethically speaking he SHOULD have done more)#OR he could just try to give her what support and what mentorship he can. teach her to be better and to be safe.#if she's doing crime she should know not to trust other criminals.#and maybe this is too generous to him but. if she's been hurt by the foster system before she should know how not to get caught.#any other reading makes the canon miserable (not just backstory but the last dam job too) and that's probably why I lean towards this one #in a similar vein I do not read parker's food thing or the dessert reward as sinister #she was probably denied treats a lot by crappy foster parents #and people who've had inconsistent access to food DO like sugary things.#I don't know we're missing SO MUCH CONTEXT there for what that relationship looked like #like I start from a place of ''feral baby parker deserves better but also wouldn't learn from archie unless it was worth it''#she liked archie enough to learn from him and stay in contact and be fond of and proud of him #and although that relationship was inherently neglectful I don't personally get the impression it was actively abusive #parker's childhood is just this... yawning void of hurt we see NOTHING of #but I like to think this was a time in it when she had Some stability and support #not enough to fix her but enough that she held onto archie when she kept nothing else from those years except bunny and. well. crime.#one good (messed up) thing from a largely awful stretch of time.#I didn't want to be an archie apologist dammit #if anyone copies these tags in pls keep context so I don't look worse

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