WE ARE ALL GIFTED WITH SUPERIOR MENTAL CAPACITIES MUCH BEYOND WHAT WE IMAGINE
Concentration exercises in general immediately lead us to this understanding, as the first effect we feel when we begin to develop this powerful faculty is precisely the difficulties in keeping our mind focused on a single thought. But, the apparent barriers exist only in our mind and it is from there that we have to uproot them, since false beliefs and thoughts of weakness, memory, scattered mind tend to impede the full functioning of our concentration. Find out more at:
DEVELOP YOUR MENTAL CONCENTRATION TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE
Today starts the day of three (potentially four) rounds of golf in tournaments. It will be a very busy week, but great fun as well. Unfortunately the three booked are scrambles with the potential of the potentially fourth round being match play. The rounds will all be a different courses and with different players. So, lots of golf with great friends is in my future starting today. Being matched…
Ginger hydrosol provides all of the advantages of essential oils without overwhelming intensity. It has a warm and spicy scent and may be used to cure colds, coughs, and congestion from the inside out. It is naturally rich in antioxidants and vitamins, which help to heal and renew skin. Because of its anti-aging properties, it is used to make a variety of skin treatments such as face cleansers, gels, and mists. Acne and pimples are also treated with it. It is an anti-inflammatory liquid that may be used to treat bodily discomfort, muscle cramps, contractions, and other symptoms. As a result, it is utilized to make pain treatment balms and ointments. Ginger Hydrosol's stimulating scent helps ease tension and anxiety, boost confidence, and encourage relaxation and mental concentration.
Here's a reminder to fight the internalized sanism/ableism in your head.
If you have executive dysfunction, don't compare your productivity to people who don't.
If you have anhedonia, don't compare your struggling to keep up with hobbies to someone who doesn't.
If you have paranoia, don't think of your fears as any less valid than the fears of someone who doesn't.
If your meds make you tired constantly, don't compare your energy levels to someone who doesn't take those meds.
If you have issues with concentration, then you won't be able to pay attention as well as someone who doesn't.
If you're in the deep end of a pool, then you can't compare how well you keep your head above water to someone who is standing in a kiddie pool.
Please try to think of these things when you feel "lazy" or "childish" or "a failure" compared to other people that don't struggle with the same symptoms as you. If you have a mental illness that will affect how you act in everyday situations, then it will in fact affect you in everyday situations. It's not an excuse, it's just a reality. We need to try to be kinder to ourselves.
I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.
Turns out that was a perilous mistake.
Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me
What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:
LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"
The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--
How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls
And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:
Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.
Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)
Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:
Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me
Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:
I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.
And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...
I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.
How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.
Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.
Darlings I am so sorry, but I’m going to have to skip prompts today. I managed to drop a massive, though thankfully empty, reptile tank a half hour ago, and it shattered instantly. Since it’s so large, the force of it shattering sent shards flying into my hands and arms, and since I was bare foot at the time, I then had to walk over all the little shards to reach the broom. I’m ok, there are no serious wounds, but it’s going to take me a long time to pry all the little pieces out.
Naturally, even though the tiny cuts aren’t producing too much blood, it’s still pretty uncomfortable to type at the moment. Please bear with me for now. I’ll be back tomorrow.
Sorry again Darling ones, please stay safe and look after yourselves🖤
...Also don’t be a dumbarse and try to move giant glass tanks without help. Learn from my mistakes.
Anon wrote: INFJ. I experienced childhood trauma (verbal, emotional, physical, sexual) and have a lot of difficulty with learning due to issues with concentration and memory. I also have issues with emotional dysregulation and poor sleep. I've received C-PTSD as a diagnosis, with BPD traits (I think something in the ballpark of BPD may run in my family).
During conversations I'm often only really attending to 10-50% of what is said but can usually interpolate due to redundancy. However, during technical lectures or other situations with much lower redundancy, I'm totally lost. I believe this is one factor preventing me from achieving my full potential. In my current state I'm still capable of making a good living and living a comfortable life, but I know there is far more I can achieve.
In the near term I plan to focus on Fe/Ti - emotional intelligence, social skills, and also developing Ti expertise in a specific topic aligned with my Ni vision via the right set of Fe commitments and collaborations - while sidestepping the poor concentration issue for now. I can see that sufficient prior expertise (Ti) on a conversation/lecture topic also helps to compensate for the concentration issues. You gave me similar advice (let Ti do the heavy lifting) a couple years ago.
However, in the long run, if I really want to achieve my full potential, I can see that I'll need to directly address my concentration difficulties and other ways in which I believe trauma has stalled Se development.
Do you have any thoughts on how to restore my ability to be present and learn more effectively? As of now, as part of my general healing process, I'm focusing on building healthy interpersonal relationships (likely just platonic in the near future, in part because I'm not sure if I'm currently capable of having sex), emotional regulation, learning how to drive (which I've avoided due to my poor concentration, but maybe I'll be forced to improve out of necessity), and martial arts.
I may also undergo physical therapy to be able to get a Pap smear done (as of now it's seemingly not possible due to anxiety). I also believe that the memories of the worst trauma are repressed, and am considering psychedelics and EMDR to uncover and process these memories, which perhaps could be necessary to fully heal and address my concentration and memory issues.
I've had very poor experiences with psychiatry and clinical psychology (misdiagnosis, gaslighting, fraud, and shocking levels of incompetence) so am not super eager to engage with that system again, though I'm reading the DBT manual currently and also deriving my own personal principles for emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness (the latter I find to be easier, likely due to my Se issues).
I know you're likely going to say that I should consult a mental health professional, but I respect your judgment way more than any of the ones I've worked with. Also, an implicit assumption I'm making here is essentially equating focus/concentration/memory with Se, which may be inaccurate. Finally, I can't thank you enough for this blog. It's been lifechanging, to say the least.
Also, another assumption here is that trauma is the cause of the concentration and memory issues - that's my current hypothesis but I could certainly be wrong. My mom (who I think also has BPD traits) frequently complains about her difficulty concentrating. It's possible she also experienced trauma, or maybe it's genetic. No one has been willing to diagnose me with ADHD due to no evidence of learning issues in childhood. BPD dissociation could ultimately be the best explanation.
---------------------
Poor concentration is a lot like a sore throat, in that it can be a symptom of a great many things. By itself, it doesn't tell you a lot. The underlying cause could be relatively simple like poor physical health, or it could be a psychological issue like C-PTSD, or it could be a very complicated combination of factors working together, each needing their own solution. Let's unpack:
1) Physical Health: Brain functioning is heavily dependent upon physical health. Without a healthy body to support the brain, you won't possess enough energy and will to perform the executive function tasks you need for self-management and self-improvement. You mentioned poor sleep. A well-rested mind is essential for good concentration and quality sleep is essential for efficient memory consolidation.
Your brain is a physical object that requires physical care and maintenance. Without a nutritious diet, quality sleep, adequate exercise and blood flow, and proper stress/illness management, brain operation suffers. Therefore, improving mental health should always begin with improving your physical habits, establishing healthy physical routines, and maintaining work-life balance. Improving physical health also goes a long way to improving emotional regulation.
2) Mental Health: Yes, trauma can interfere with focus and memory operations, but this doesn't mean it's the cause, so I wouldn't be so quick to jump to that conclusion. Focus and memory issues aside, it is generally important to your well-being to be mentally healthy, so you need to address your mental health issues in a timely manner.
You mention three issues: C-PTSD due to a history of abuse, BPD traits, and emotional dysregulation. It's often the case that these three things are interrelated, but it's important to know for sure by getting properly checked out by a mental health professional.
There is a good chance that DBT will be an effective treatment for these three issues because it teaches you how to manage emotions better. But I suggest that you work with a DBT specialist rather than go it alone. The presence of BPD traits makes it likely that you have difficulty being objective about yourself, so going it alone could inadvertently lead you straight into Ti loop if you're not careful (assuming you're not already there). Due to the necessity of Fe development, it is vital that you have an objective person to reflect important truths back to you.
Every profession has its fair share of duds and bad apples. Not everyone graduates with honors, after all. I understand that you've had negative experiences with professionals and I can only reiterate that it's important to keep shopping around until you find the right fit. Being much more specific about the problem/issue you want to address can help you narrow down the search.
3) Learning and Improvement: You are drawn to my blog and its ideas about type development. While lack of presence may be an indication of Se misuse, the solution isn't as simple as developing Se. You're not anywhere near ready to develop the inferior function, and fixating on it is likely to be harmful.
In INFJs, lack of presence isn't directly caused by Se. It's more likely to be related to maladaptive Fe. When INFJs aren't able to handle the intense feelings and emotions that Fe opens them up to, they tend to develop a habit of detaching from the world and retreating into their own self-created world through Ni-Ti loop. Detachment means you separate yourself from reality, and lack of presence is one common symptom of that.
You can't be fully present and learn well when you're not learning for the sake of learning but rather treat learning merely as a means to some other, more unconscious end. When there's a lot happening in the unconscious, especially if you have a long running habit of repressing feelings and emotions, you're being driven by dark forces. If this is true for you, your real potential isn't to be found in learning or "intelligence" but rather in honesty and becoming more self-aware, i.e., facing up to the things that haunt you, which goes back to point #2 about getting proper therapy to address your trauma.
You seem very motivated to improve yourself and your life, which is generally a good thing. However, this motivation should be closely examined in INFJs because they often suffer from perfectionism and use "self-improvement" to feed unhealthy control issues. In other words, their motives can be suspect. You say you're not living up to your "full" potential, e.g., you should be able to focus better, be more present, remember more, perform better, etc, but is this really true? Says who? Who is the one defining this notion of "potential"? What are you really aiming for and why? What does "full" mean, i.e., at what point does it end?
At some point, if you ever hope to be at peace, you have to accept the reality of your limitations and be content in who you are, as is. Are you happy with yourself and who you are? Is your quest for self-improvement motivated by love of yourself, love of life, and love of others? Or is it fueled by ego, illusion, insecurity, guilt, shame, or self-loathing? It is very important to answer these questions honestly. Attempting self-improvement with unconscious intentions can lead to undesirable consequences. It sounds like you're trying to do way too much at once, which is usually a warning sign. Biting off more than you can chew is a very good way to choke.
Your thinking is messy and confused. You've taken the above three points and mashed them together. Despite what you believe about them being related, they are distinct issues that each need proper attention. I've separated them out for you and numbered them in order of importance. Slow down, prioritize the issues in the right order, and take things one SMALL step at a time.
always so funny to me that ketamine in tv and movies is always like "omg party drug... but watch out!" meanwhile IRL I am preparing for my biweekly ketamine dose by wearing my softest jammies and cuddling up in a fluffy blanket with a heating pad and firing up stardew valley.
I know that I need to stop impulse buying plushies as a coping mechanism against stress but I had 2 doctors appointments today, and one yesterday, culminating in 3 (three) doctors appointments in 2 (two) days and this here demon frog speaks to me on a spiritual level
could you share any more under-talked about symptoms of schizophrenia, like executive dysfunction?
I've actually been meaning to make a post like this but keep forgetting (lol that's a symptom). As a disclaimer, not everyone with schizophrenia has every one of these symptoms, and people can have a lot of these symptoms and not have schizophrenia (if they don't have the psychotic symptoms). Not all of these symptoms are seen as diagnostic criteria, some have just been observed to be very common in people with schizophrenia. (I'm excluding hallucinations and delusions because they are more well known)
• Paranoia: a pattern of behavior where a person feels distrustful and suspicious of other people and acts accordingly. This can go hand in hand with hallucinations and delusions.
• Disorganized thoughts: this can mean a lot of things. It can be not having a linear train of thought, having incoherent thoughts, thought blocking, general disorganized thoughts. (It can be hard to define because it is often hard to describe for the person experiencing it).
• Disorganized speech: this is often a result of the disorganized thoughts. This can include loose associations like rapidly shifting between topics with no connections between the topics. Perseveration, which is repeating the same things over and over again. Made up words that only have meaning to the speaker. Use of rhyming words without meaning. Word salad, which is when cognitive disorganization is severe, it can be nearly impossible to understand what the person is saying, but the person speaking doesn't know they aren't making sense.
• Trouble concentrating: lack of concentration, switching from topic to topic, not being able to focus on one thing. (This is pretty self explanatory).
• Movement disorders: catatonia can be repetitive non goal directed movements. It can also be complete or partial immobility, mutism, vacant staring, and rigidity. Although not a symptom, tardive dyskinesia can occur in schizophrenia as a result of antipsychotics medication.
• Anhedonia: a loss of pleasure in activities that the person once enjoyed. Or the inability to feel pleasure at all.
• Atypical or non-existent emotional expression: Flat or blunted affect is an inability to show emotions characterized by a lack of facial expression, a monotone voice, and no hand gestures. On the other hand people can also have inappropriate affect, where the emotional expression doesn't align with typical reactions or even the person's own feelings.
• Alogia: when someone speaks less, says fewer words or only speaks in response to others. This can be a result of disorganized thoughts.
• Social withdrawal: avoiding people and activities that someone once enjoyed. Not actively being present during social situations. Can progress to total isolation.
• Avolition: a severe lack of initiative to accomplish purposeful tasks. This is a big reason some people with schizophrenia can't work/go to school, can't do chores, and can't keep up with their basic hygiene. Even if the person wants to do these tasks, it may be extremely difficult or impossible for them to get themselves to start or complete the task due to the lack of motivation.
• Executive dysfunction: a behavioral symptom that disrupts a person's ability to manage their own thoughts, emotions and actions. This can include focussing too much on one thing, being easily distracted, spacing out, struggling to switch between tasks, problems with impulse control and trouble starting difficult or boring tasks. Several schizophrenia symptoms fit into the umbrella of executive dysfunction, so when researching you will either see the specific ones listed out, or just simply described as executive dysfunction.
• Alexithymia: significant challenges in recognizing, expressing, and describing one's own emotions.
• Poor memory: this can include working memory deficits like trouble planning, organizing, and carrying out daily chores such as running errands, because it requires mentally formulating a “to do” list organized by time and location. Many people with schizophrenia also report trouble with their episodic memory, which means they have trouble recollecting things in the context of their place and time. (A lot of sources say "trouble with memory" is a symptom but they don't specify).
• Trouble with decision making: people with schizophrenia have been shown to have trouble with decision making due to a decline in the understanding and reasoning aspects of it.
• Sensory processing deficits: this has been widely reported in schizophrenia, and include impairments in visual processing, auditory processing, olfactory and sensorimotor systems. This can lead to having strong positive or negative reactions to sensory information.
• Sleep troubles: though disturbed sleep isn't included in the diagnostic criteria for schizophrenia, it is still a significant problem that up to 80% of people with the condition experience. People with schizophrenia may have various sleep problems, including insomnia, excessive daytime sleepiness, and trouble with consistent sleep routines.
• Anosognosia: also called "lack of insight," is a symptom that impairs a person's ability to understand and perceive their illness. This is a big reason people with schizophrenia may refuse to get, or stay with treatment.