#october spirals

[kunthug]

september, october, in you i officially* bid sorrow bye

SADNESS

i been working thru a personal essay on my black boi joy that’s important to write for this era i've pressed both feet strongly into.

because of how deep in my blood and bones sorrow stirred and roiled & seeped frm,

emo🖤 for many reasons, rightly, but it’s important to write

just 4 how

the grace of a transition is a wondrous dawning so beautiful and so special. i mean i dwelt with such a sadness that feels impossible for words to remember & hold. & suddenly my life changed since i encountered some spirits, or more so just acknowledged them cause dey been there all along. within me, my own physical & spiritual exhaustion with being a saddo coupled with a heated desire to shift things. together all these blew open this process of transformation, ultra.

& i, too, wanted to taste more and more joy

surpassing my dogged capacity for sadness. and if it didn’t do it for me, my body, seeing me through so much heavy shits, deserved it.(deserves it.)

(something about this photo makes me think of inherited sadness. how can that not be true? i look at my lips and see my mother’s lips.)

sometimes, under the covers, it is easy to think well maybe the sadness can be mine

 — in some way that an era of black boi joy doesn’t mean sadness is rid of forever — this sadness is mine forever,

the sadness being integral to who i am;

diligent companion, like rage, i've learnt what it's useful for  —

but, again, i want to know so much of something else, and live so much for something else — my body, my ancestors, my kin, what the world itself offers

and maybe, maybe, i will eventually follow.

this ferocious bubbling to the surface to breathe other things finds holy familiarity with asake's mr money with the vibe album (a mirror in many ways) and the actual vibe surrounding asake's artistry. (in black boi joy, i hope to stretch this out more and draw the links.) essentially, there is something about asake's music that reminds me of what my body is capable of. it reaches my bones, striking deep the same place sadness lives, in a way no other feeling has ever been able to. not even love .x_x.

joy joy joy in my bones

it’s been even more profound opening my head to the spirits i work with now to build my poem of my life that's filled with so much pain,*rme* yes, but much more beauty, joy, humour, levity, eros.

expansive lushing, big purrring that is already my capacity and then steering that to light light light lighter things.

more more more

my body is so open. open so much that i would not be terrified of overflowing joy. i will enter into it, i will lose myself, burst, gather myself, burst again, layer myself, frost myself, adorn myself in it.

i will hold it fully. i will say this too is mine. this too is my birthright.

WANT

the way i want is a terror. a big bottomless void i wonder wtf whoever stuffed my spirit in this flesh was thinking. if i did, then fuck, really boo?[1] this world, this fickle ruining existence? what gets me the most is when i lay it all down, what i want, and see just how simple and uncomplicated these wants are, i get even more terrifyingly upset first for (the unfufillment) (and how much the world has steered far from being a place that could fulfill simple pleasures).

there are days i wake up wanting to protect myself from my desires (because not much reminds us how much suffering is brought on the body dwelling in unfulfilled want)

and some days i wake up hungrier.

give me more—

“ I’ve wanted people who made fun of my want, called me thirsty to my face because I was supposed to be more modest, let them be the ones who fed on me. But I’m starving, this world never seems to give me enough of anything. I want to squeeze existence until it runs a bloody pulp down my arms, wet and yielding. Give me everything.”

Dear Senthuran, Akwaeke Emezi.

it's very correct to be afraid that there’s something wrong in continuing to give this to myself, because the world and the people in it were made for each other— because self-love only does so little and is in excess exasperating. but when i am not tired, i can’t stop.

attention, devotion, joy, levity, humour,

& more cunt & more shimmer & more pwussy

i hope in the coming wave to pour so much of my desires into myself. asé*

_____________________

[1] always going back and forth on whether on not i chose this life. in this moment i think i did.

#prelude to black boi joy #and era #september spirals #october spirals #want #sorrow #sadnesss #& more joy

[sewerwclf]

how it feels to be me.

#saw #saw 2004 #adam stanheight #adam faulkner stanheight #saw movies #saw x #saw franchise #saw iii #saw ii #saw iv #saw vi #saw 3d #saw v #spiral #jigsaw #he is alive to me. #it’s that we fell in love in october meme but adam

[stuckinapril]

And on this Valentine’s I almost broke down in tears at a wife’s dedication to her heart surgeon husband whose brain is deteriorating with a rare case of dementia

#I shadowed the doctor for the first time today and almost broke down in tears multiple times listening to her talk about her story #he performed his last heart surgery last October. and ever since he’s been fading away and had to retire. rapid onset but behavior changes #were happening over the last like 6 years #this HEART SURGEON BRAINIAC started chewing tobacco in his 60s beyond his wife’s knowledge. a very common sign of this brain disease #I’m still in clinic but have to ride down to the office and get some chart stuff done now and I’m like?? spiraling about it still #at least love is real. they’ve been married for 45 years and she’s on top of her shit taking caring of him all by herself #and she only has glowing things to say about him #she wants her heart surgeon husband back but he’s fading away #I’ve wanted to be a doctor my whole life but I’m such a crybaby OK I’m going now #happy valentine’s day #p #v day

[vix-fr]

Trick or Treat!

#might be far from october #but that won't stop me! #flight rising art #fr art #fr spiral #vix art #flight rising #PumpkinSpice and his kitty Espresso

[textless]

#flower #morning glory #bud #macro #photographers on tumblr #textless #amadee ricketts #in the yard #garden #arizona #texture #spiral #fall #autumn #october

[karatekels]

Ohh nooo, I just rediscovered a half-written dark af CK Terry/Reader fic that I started in the summer while going through my folders to update stuff on Ao3!

Maybe I'll be caught up with everything else and can post it for Dark Desires October 2024 lmao

#thomas ian griffith #terry silver #cobra kai #terry silver x reader #dark desires october #i won't spoil too much #but you are attacked as a way to hurt Terry and he sort of spirals #coming soon #jk give it a few years

[sabraeal]

1000 Followers Update!

Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!

#1000 followers #i don't talk much about my illness struggles on here because without a word count limit #i would absolutely write myself into a terrible spiral talking about some of the very recent setbacks #but I do weekly goals up on twitter and I often talk about what's going on there #so it's only fair that i explain a bit in some tag chatter where i have to stay on task #to start: i'm fine and I'm going to be quick to recover now that i've gotten my meds #but due to all sorts of insurance bullshittery that has occurred since september/october #my last three infusions have been over a week late. two of them have been nearly two weeks or over #and coupled with a particularly nasty stomach bug + christmas stress #i ended up with extremely bad exhaustion and brain fog #and on monday finally flared #thankfully i was able to move my infusion up a day so I only had to wait until wednesday #and me and my husband had planned that I would be out of commission for the 10 days my meds were overdue #so I just had to triage my commitments and lay low until they could get me what i needed #it's been two days and i'm doing much much better. back to a place where I can actually write #probably at a better place than i have been since the beginning of December since today I nearly blew through 1K without even trying #but it's been 2-3 weeks of barely being able to scratch out what i consider my minimum #and then a week and change of not being able to even READ without it overwhelming me #so i finally had to face the music of: not only can I NOT do this on time but I need fully shift it #so that I can work without stressing myself or my limits #i am a rat gnawing at the bars of my little rat cage over it but it is what it is #tldr; i'm here i'm fine i just have to accept my human limitations and i don't like it

[bitterestbuggy]

Day 21: Spiral

#BitterInk2023 #artober 2023 #artober #october #ink #drawing #art #ant #bugs #skull #bones #spiral #ant death spiral #trypophobia #cw trypophobia

[lesbianwithchainsaws]

I know for a fact that Saw X will not be good, but I am so goddamn excited for it. I can't wait to see stupid traps, 10 thousand flashbacks, Jigsaw being the biggest hypocrite ever and, most importantly, my girl Mandy <3

#amanda young my beloved #i genuinely cant wait for october and to watch it in cinema #i watched spiral in cinema as well and that was fine #but i want my stupid convoluted saw plots #saw x #horror #saw

[songspiral]

"Afraid of Heights" by Boygenius

#music #song spiral #boygenius #afraid of heights #october 17th #2023 #lucy dacus #phoebe bridgers #julien baker

[nerendus]

Approaching Stage 4 insanity. The last time I felt alive was weeks ago when I helped some random dude on a Youtuber's discord server how to get past the first boss in Dark Souls 3 and doing some stupid ask game on my alt account. [insert bad mic here with a kid that can't sing] Life is hard, I hope I make it.

#texts from the underbrush #My brain has been spiralling down since October and the fact that I turn fucking twenty this year is not helping one bit #Writing o writing please save me

[themidnightarcher]

since i'm tired of being depressed and angry all the damn time, i've decided to make a list of things i'll start doing for my life to feel like clear blue skies instead of dark midnights (god knows i'll struggle but i'm determined) -

at the VERY least 9-10 hours of sleep every night, work out 3x a week, drink 2/3L of water every day (gotta stay hydrated baby), read one chapter of a book every night before bed, go outside more (not stay cramped up inside all day ughh), say self-love affirmations each day (i need to desperately), and expose myself to a wider range of music, artists, movies, shows, books, etc.

ok so that's my plan for the rest of october!! hopefully before november i'll have changed into a entirely brand new person <33

#october #<3 #mental health #mental wellbeing #positivity #on a life mission to finally feel happy again #I DESERVE IT #and hopefully i won't spiral or quit or whatever

[catilinas]

i will not reread the october horse rereading the october horse is the mind killer etc etc

#i’m ALREADY reading a very long book that is eating my brain i don’t have TIME to spiral over the fall of the roman republic #like i need to get back to the thebaid. AND YET. THE OCTOBER HORSE (octavian cut. rip every other character) #why don’t you (me) translate some cicero and maybe you’ll calm down (affirmation) #beeps

[nathan-moth]

Day 11-20

#drawtober #october art challenge #marker art #art #spiral and onesie

[memetrash-coyote]

Oddly enough, the fall back time shift is sometimes a good thing for me. October is a spiraling month for me, and the time shift helps me snap out of it.

#i dunno why #I try to make October productive but then I spiral out of control #and then November hits my birthday passes and the time shift comes in and suddenly my brain's like #“cool let's get stuff done. oh shite a hurricane came through here huh. well we can clean a lil and work with that” #you'd think May would be my low month since that's when my dad passed #or December since that was always a busy time catering with my dad and Christmas was his favorite holiday

[gemini526sdumptruck]

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Day 2: Campfire

Leave it to Inky of all ghosts to tell a surprisingly spooky story! Someone's a little jelly that Inky's been able to scare more people than him lol.

#october #october 2 #october art challenge #october 2022 #pacman #pac man #pacman ghosts #pacman and the ghostly adventures #pmatga #blinky pacman #inky pacman #pinky pacman #clyde pacman #cylindria #cylindria pacman #spiral pacman #campfire #ink #traditional art #traditional illustration