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under-my-pillow · 19 days

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how do you feel with all the people calling soo won aromantic because of his scene with lily when he said he doesnt really understand romance or love but he likes people?

Hello, @spriderlili,

It is a very interesting question. Thank you for asking, but keep in mind my response might be biased as I am personally not a fan of labels, and the fandom gives him plenty of silly ones, so most of the time I am - Even if he is dying, you don't have to be in a hurry to pick out a label for his gravestone quite yet, thank you. - kind of mood.

But I'll elaborate on this particular one.

The word 'aromantic' has a very vague meaning - little or no romantic attraction to others

Does it mean unable to have/devoid of romantic feelings? Or is it referring to people who have never had romantic feelings in their entire lifetime?

For the former, no, he is not devoid of/unable to have emotions - a sociopath or psychopath (I know they call him that, but he is neither) He feels, pain, anger, sympathy, joy, longing, etc., etc., as we have seen in multiple instances, so it doesn't make sense to just be unable/devoid of only romantic feelings.

If it is the latter, we are a little too early to say anything, because despite being "king" and wise beyond his years we often forget that Soo-won is only eighteen years old. Even if we go with the average lifetime of a person being 60 years old, he hasn't even completed half.

Now, is it referring to how he was unaware of Yona's feelings or how he doesn't understand the emotions of love or romance? Or how he seems to not really have attachments to people?

I do not believe the answer to these is - 'aromantic'

To make it a little clear, let's take Yona.

Why was she able to understand romantic love and why is Soo-won unable to?

Why was she able to love and adamantly insist on marrying Soo-won without considering anything else?

1. Because she had the freedom to be a child.

2. She had the freedom to be immature.

3. She had emotional freedom and creative freedom which were not restricted by adult burdens.

4. She was taken care of by a loving parent and allowed healthy emotional development.

For Soo-won, it is the opposite.

The privilege to be a child, the privilege to be immature, the privilege to rely on others, love immaturely, quit immaturely - he lost all that to the dream of making Kouka strong and secure.

Sure, that was his choice, but it was not his choice to lose a major source of parental affection & guidance while the remaining semblance of one was just a wreck.

Children are naturally emotionally reliant on their parents/guardian. So, what happens when a reliable source of emotional stability is just knocked out from right beneath their feet? Where do they put their feet?

For Soo-won, I believe it was in the memories of his father. This is sometimes seen in the way we see him clinging to the memories of his father for guidance.

So,

1. Heavy responsibilities, even the adults did not bother to do.

2. A limited social circle, predominantly made up of adults.

3. A fudging time limit.

It's like asking an athlete with a hundred miles left to the finish line and a 20 minute time limit if he could solve your algebra homework on the way.

I am not saying Soo-won is emotionally underdeveloped either. He is very excellent at controlling his emotions as we have seen. I'd say he is emotionally exhausted.

Romance is not in his priorities.

Romantic attraction is something generally experienced in leisure, when there is freedom to express the heart, when there is that subconscious freedom to trust your heart with another person.

Soo-won is not like Yona. She constantly has Hak or the four dragons whom she can be vulnerable with.

Who do we see Soo-won constantly be vulnerable with?

He has not had emotional freedom.

In the age to run, play, make mistakes, he had already become sensible, self- reliant, set in his beliefs — he's already run half the course before he even turned eighteen while the greatest worry for girls around his age was probably Geun-Tae getting married.

That's a major bandwidth problem.

I think we can all agree that based on what we have seen so far, Soo-won is not a love at first sight person. If he is going to fall in love with someone it is going to be a gradual process.

So, the person at least needs to be someone who can understand his views and talk to him on equal ground. Someone whom he can be emotionally free with. Someone whom he can eventually be vulnerable with.

Lili is a great example (Yes, I won't miss an opportunity to ship my top couple, but also seriously...)

Prior to the story's start Lili was probably just a love sick teen pining after Geun-Tae, but by the time Soo-won's coronation is over she is aware of the water tribe's major issues.

She wants to help, tries, fails miserably, tries again, gets help, slowly matures enough to be able to command the respect of the tribe in her own name.

Among all of Soo-won's female acquaintances introduced in the story so far which you can count on one hand she is the closest to have come to understanding the reality underlying Soo-won's decisions.

So, my point is, maturity wise, girls around his age circle are just catching up.

When there is someone (preferably Lili) whom he is comfortable with expressing his thoughts and emotions to, someone who actually understands him (Not like Hak), he'll eventually come to understand what it means to hold romantic affection for another person.

He just needs time and the right person.

#akatsuki no yona #soo-won #yona of the dawn #soo won #su won #su-won #lili x soo won

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kai-anderson-whore · 1 year

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Second best (Colin zable x reader)

@lili-tate Request: Maybe one where the protagonist is in love with Colin, but Colin -at first- is only interested in Mare. And, faced with Mare's refusal to go out with Colin, he invites the protagonist on a date and maybe from there be able to develop the story a bit. That she doesn't know that he was inviting her because of Mare's refusal or something like that. I don't know if I'm making myself clear

Warnings: shouting, feeling second best to someone, angst, jealousy, rejection

•¤❅¤•.•°˚˚°•..•°˚˚°•.•¤❅¤•.•¤❅¤•.•°˚˚°•. .•°˚˚°

You sat in the office of the station observing the man you loved falling for another woman mare, it broke you inside knowing you can't say anything because you know that Colin zable isn't into you only friends but you were learning to live with that from now on.

You watched the way his smile shone bright whenever mare entered a room or spoke to him you wished you were the one he would smile like that to, but you weren't.

You had your airpods in listening to your playlist trying to take your mind off Colin, it worked for thirty seconds max till you saw someone seating infront of you at your desk, lifting your head up to see none other than Colin sitting infront of you with a polite smile, you took your airpods out giving Colin your undivided attention.

"What you listening to?" He asked trying to make conversation with you, "Ryan Adams gimme something good" you answered Colin nodded at your response noticing the hint of annoyance in your tone, "you okay you seem annoyed" he then went to ask you just shook your head in protest, "I'm fine just tired that's all couldn't sleep" you lied hoping Colin bought your lie.

"Alright erm boss wants to talk to you" Colin said leaving you alone mentally face slapping yourself at your tone with Colin you didn't mean it of course you didn't but you couldn't help but be fulfilled with jealousy seeing Colin falling for his partner mare.

Weeks went on since you spoke to Colin you laid on your bed since it was your day off reading a book your friend suggested to you at her bookclub, you phone rang you took the device in your hands seeing Colin was calling you making your heart skip a beat, "hello" you voice echoed down the phone.

"Y/n what are you doing tonight?" Colin asked you could sense his nervousness throught the phone you imagined him probably biting his nails with his nerves, "erm nothing that I'm aware of why?" You were surprised that he called you never mind asked what you had planned for tonight making you more curious of what Colin would say next.

"Well I wanted to ask if you wanted to come to dinner with me at that new fancy restaurant you know like a erm date o-only if you want to that's what I mean" he stuttered you couldn't help but blush knowing Colin couldn't see he was finally asking you out on a date, "Yeah sure" you said grinning like the Cheshire cat, "great I'll pick you up at seven" you could almost hear Colins smile through the phone at your acceptance.

"Okay see you then colin" you said biting your lip to suppress your excitement, ending the phone call running straight to your closet finding a dress that suits the occasion pulling out a simple black dress that was casual yet showed your curves perfectly, deciding it was nice enough to dress it up a little more but first you hopped into the shower.

Once you got out of the shower you dried your hair tieing it up with a hair tie, you flicked through your playlist playing all different songs getting you in the happy mood for your date with Colin, you felt the butterfly's in your stomach as you applied your makeup going for a light base with winged eyeliner and a nude lip.

Before you even knew it time flew by and it was seven o'clock, you did one last check in the mirror deciding you looked good you grabbed your keys seeing Colin outside his car waiting on you, you locked your front door skipping to Colin with a shy smile on your face.

"Wow you look beautiful" was the first thing Colin told you when you finally were face to face with him, making you blush whispering a small "Thank you" to him Colin opened the passenger side of his car for you like a gentleman you slipped into his vehicle.

The drive was silent you were unsure what to say the awkward tension being slowly faded by the radio, "Oh I love this song" you gasped Colin turned up the radio for you as 'hold on' by alabama shakes played you mumbled along to the lyrics Colin tapped his hand on the steering wheel with the tune.

About ten minutes later you made it to the restaurant Colin's hand on the small of your back guiding you into the restaurant, "hello do you have a reservation?" The waiter asked, "yes table for two under zable" Colin smiled politely the waiter looked at the reservations seeing his name on the book the waiting guided you both to your table with two menus.

"Any idea what your having yet?" Colin asked trying to make conversation, "I'm thinking maybe a carbonara" you said not entirely sure, "what about you?" You asked curiously, "I think I'll have a steak" he answered with a smile, soon enough a waitress came along taking you and colins orders and drink orders.

"Thank you for this Colin you didn't have to" you thanked him with a smile, Colin didn't say anything but he had a look of guilt on his face, he knew you liked him it was pretty obvious to everyone you did, Colin couldn't deny he thought you are very attractive but he had stronger feelings for mare but she didn't feel the same when they were at a different restaurant a few days prior.

Colin stayed silent for another couple of minutes until you again broke the silence just in time for your drinks, "penny for your thoughts" you chuckled taking notice of his lack of communication, "huh sorry I must had went into a little world of my own it's been a stressful few weeks" Colin chuckled back lying through his teeth kinda you knew he was up to his eyeballs with this case him and mare are working on.

"Hey you will get the person who did it I know you will" you assured taking his hand in yours comforting him, "I hope so I really do anyway enough talk about the case how was your day?" He changed the subject, "it was good cleaned the house up a bit then went for a jog around the park" you said "and yours".

"Well just been in the office going through files and whatnot, ever since mare got suspended it's been hard working on the case alone" he said you couldn't help but do a mental eye roll when he mentioned mare you couldn't help it you did like mare she was a good person never done you any wrong but its your jealousy you just couldn't help it.

The date went pretty well you and Colin talked and laughed about anything and anything enjoying yourselves, "thanks Colin I had a great time" you smiled now at your front door Colin infront of you ensuring you got home safely, "I had a great time to ever since mare rejected me a few days ago" "wait what" you cut him off Colin didn't mean to say what he did you couldn't help but feel angry.

"So you invited me because mare rejected you" you chuckled coldly you felt hurt, "no no thats not why I invited you on a date y/n honestly" Colin tried to tell you but you didn't listen, "I do like you a lot y/n" he stated you shook your head in disbelief, "you asked me on a date because you knew I liked you Colin and since mare said no you thought Oh well I'll ask y/n" the tears forming in your eyes.

"Go away Colin I don't want to see you" you snapped, "please y/n just hear me out its not what it seems I promise" he pleaded, "no Colin just GO" you yelled slamming your door in his face, your back was now pressed against the cold wood as you slide down on the ground crying your eyes out you felt used, you felt so stupid.

Colin stood at your door staring hoping you would come back out he knew what he did was fucked up but he did like you and wanted to know you more but his big mouth got him in this mess how would he make it better with you, with a heavy sigh Colin got back into his car driving home to a sleepless night.

A week passes you avoided Colin in work at all costs, you constantly felt his eyes on you all the time, making your skin crawl what you once yearned for now made you feel sick, he tried to talk to you but all you did was blank him getting your work done then straight home till you couldn't avoid him.

You heard three knocks on your door tiredly you checked the time seeing it was currently 11pm, you dragged yourself to the door to see who was there at this time, opening the door revealing a tired looking Colin, you went to close your door avoiding him but he stuck his foot on the threshold preventing you from closing the door in his face for a second time.

"Please can I talk to you" he begged you could see the bags forming under his eyes 'when was the last time he slept' you thought taking in his features, "fine come in" you huffed opening the door allowing Colin into your home, you both sat on the sofa none of you dared to say a word yet you were angry at him still were as Colin was hurt and filled with guilt for his actions.

"Look y/n I'm sorry for what I did uts super shitty of me I don't know why I done it but I do really like you and I think it was getting rejected made me realise that I like you" Colin explained you didn't dare look him in the eyes just yet, "you know how hurt I am Colin, how used I feel because I genuinely thought you asked me on a date because you genuinely liked me not to get over mare" you said biting your nails your head still turned to him.

"I know I fucked up and I know sorry won't cut it but I am genuinely sincerely sorry" colins hand on your chin turning your head to face him you saw in his eyes he was being honest with you, "I don't know how I can forgive you Colin it will take time I do genuinely like you a lot and you are a good person just you did one really shitty thing so I'm willing to try and forgive you" you sighed.

Colin felt a bit better hearing your willing to try and forgive him gave him piece of mind, "I promise I'll make it right y/n I will" Colin said taking his hand in yours you sucked in a breath not knowing what to do you didn't know if you wanted to kiss him or scream at him.

But you were caught of guard when Colin other hand cupped your cheeks bringing your lips to his own, his lips were soft against your own, you responded to the kiss your hand on the back of Colin neck keeping him close, till you snapped out of it pulling away.

"I think you should go" you said out of breath not making eye contact with him, "okay I'll see you at work tomorrow" was all he said before leaving you alone in your home, how could you be mad at him yet kiss him back.

You spent the night awake replaying what had happened, you didn't regret kissing Colin, but you felt mad at yourself for giving in so easily, and if you didn't forgive him it would be awkward in the station for you both you just didn't know what to do.

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papercutsunset · 11 months

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Topic 1: Eyes

Let the record show that one of my instincts upon Raquel removing Frankie's eye was to have Frankie put it in her mouth and bite down. I didn't go through with this because of the "Log Out" bit Scott brought up immediately.

This bled over into the nightmare and into Winona themself outside the simulation.

First of all, I specifically had them go to check their eye immediately. I had an idea in that this was an easy way to tell the difference between reality and the simulation, especially in situations where Winona forgot to or refused to decompress after diving (or didn't necessarily need to, given the nature of their job). Those justifications came later, of course, through talking with Scott-- but they still feed in.

Second, since my whole idea with regard to slotting the nightmare into Winona's timeline was that it happened after they went to bed that night (the night after solving the Raquel problem) and, since Frankie wasn't real and didn't sleep in that run, Constance couldn't have POSSIBLY picked up on one of Frankie's dreams. So, when I used the name "Frankie," it was more of a perspective thing. These were actually versions of Winona. (It's an odd fact of reality, that Pierce would have access to the whole dream, but it's also something I would really like! Winona is an awkward piece of shit older teen, and I like conflict sometimes.)

But the topic is in fact eyes. So, since the dream occurred that night, the damage to Frankie's (or, rather, Winona's) eyes within that space was related to what had happened. But, you know, referring to blindness and rage in the same breath... You know what that means.

Topic 2: Moons

There are a few things to refer to here.

The first is that of romance.

Winona hadn't been particularly lucky. Penis Beach (NOT its actual name-- thanks, Arca) was kind of homophobic, and they only ever dated one girl there anyway: Lily Wildcard. She was a fun-loving goth who canonically liked throwing things at her girlfriend and (in a section I ultimately cut from The Non-Literal End Of The World) putting her players through some weird shit and being a hardass at the table (in a fun way). She also had a connection to the moon, in three different ways alluded to in the story.

The first was the locket she found in the abandoned house. (Yes, the necklaces were lockets.) The second was the line "the moon is like a promise kept," which is honestly just something I had fun with. The third comes from the stories Ethan used to tell, which I'll explain in a moment.

Then there's Avery. This isn't the real Avery, who is a full forty years older than Winona (though... maybe...). Instead, this is a version of her that existed in the simulation, and was a little safer to interact with on that level than other people for reasons Winona can't articulate (but I can. The simulation had a side effect for Winona in that, after a certain period of time, they began to forget things about the world outside this simulated Lish, to keep them from potentially compromising any of the dives. Until that point, they could remember but after it, things were back to normal. This is why, for a time, it was and will be hard for Winona to extricate certain parts of themself from Frankie and the actual security the simulation brought, both in terms of social and bodily integrity).

But there's also the light powers.

The third point here is that Ethan Kelly had a series of stories he told his children to put them to bed. The whole of them doesn't matter, so I'll leave it like this: two of the recurring characters were the knight and the moon.

With that in mind, the moon takes on a second layer for Winona. Aside from a promise kept, it is also a beautiful young woman and she has a real issue of casting girls she admires in that role. In her head, it makes sense for both of them. Lily was a beacon of hope in a humid wasteland, and Avery literally produced light. The issue is, then, that she drove both of them away.

The fourth thing is classic lycanthrope lunar imagery. The moon is something beautiful that you fear because of what it turns you into. Full and high in the sky, it is the thing that controls you.

But, then, Winona is also the Moon. It's what they were assigned. They may be a LIAR, repeated a thousand times over, but they also exist in the reverse. It depends on how you pull.

Topic 3: Hair

Honestly, this one is just for fun-- but it pulls the nightmare back into it.

I like to use hair as a way to chart character personality and growth throughout different points in their lives. Denny's hasn't changed much because she hasn't changed much. Tiff grows out her hair at low points and cuts it when she's doing better or needs to buck up; that made it into A Story About You on purpose. Kay cuts her hair to free herself from the briars just as she cuts it as payment to the witch, leading her to a sort of new beginning when the spell is over and her slumber ends.

So the same truth extends to Winona.

In The Non-Literal End Of The World, Winona starts with short hair she cut because of some reasons surrounding her brother (a small act of solidarity to make him feel better). This was actually cut down from hair that reached their shoulders. The next time she cuts it, it's a weird form of bonding and explicitly not-bonding with Jesse (my boy Jesse)-- something simple she could keep out of the way (yeah, it was an undercut whatever). Now the case, now that they're settled and a little more stable with regards to living situations and familial figures (now that they ARE the parent), they've let it grow out a little to what it is now (shitty mullet thing).

In the dream, though, I extended this less to stages of being and more to ways of being. The version of Winona in the mirror is a monster. It's a version of herself that she does want to be-- and the thick black bangs hide the gaping hole.

The real star here, though, is "Better Frankie." It's a version of Winona that never was and never would be. Sweet and calm and feminine, her hair is held in place by little blue dragonfly flips, it's cut neatly, it's brushed-- and it isn't really HER. It's a dream of who she should have been.

But, then... it's all dreams. Sometimes you're running through corporate halls. Sometimes you're doing the chasing. We're all flesh here, right?

#yeah ok i'll finally post this #darkened states #winona whatever

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dreamifics · 3 years

Text

James Potter x Reader

Oneshot

Warning:just angst and sad fluff ig

A letter for James Fleamont Potter

Dear James Potter,

Hey, what's up? That's a lousy letter starter after years of pretending you guys didn't exist.. This would be a rollercoaster of emotions, so try to keep up. Remember when we first met? You were in Ollivanders, buying a wand when you accidentaly almost killed me?

A little girl was walking pass a shop called Ollivanders, she was simply minding her own business when a ray of magic blast to her.. She fell on her butt first, her hair was a mess, she looked like she got burnt..

"Oh, dear godric!I'm very sorry!" A little boy about the same age as the girl came running out of the store.. He had a messy hair and thick glasses, he gave the girl an apologetic smile..

"What in the bloody hell are you doing?!" The girl was mad, who wouldn't? She was just simply having a great day when an idiot almost killed her..

"Buying wands?" He answered unsure. He was just shopping for wands when this very powerful surge made him lose control and it blast to her.

"I look like a mess, Mother would be infuriated..", The girl mumbles to herself as she stands up.. She huffs and glare at the boy.

"I'm James, by the way.."

"I'm Y---"

"Y/N L/N!!WHAT HAPPEND TO YOU?!" Her mother's voice boomed all throughout the alley causing some wizards to look at them..

"Goodbye, you bloody idiot.." Y/N mutters to herself.

"I heard that!"

"You were supposed to hear that!"

And that was the start of our friendship.. You little dim wit, but I'm thankful for that, because I got to meet you.. Did you know that I was not very fond of you? You just wore me down, you're a persistent arse.. But now, it all made sense to me..

What my gut was telling me about you.. You were-- no no, you're still my downfall, James.. I clearly remember when it all daunt to me, the how and why? I'm still unsure about the answer to those two questions. I'm guessing you know what I'm talking about, if you don't... I'll say it or write it now..

I'm hopelessly fucking in love with you, I realized that when you went and announced your relationship with Lily.. There was this painfully hurtful jealousy in my heart and brain.. And I couldn't get rid of those stupid feelings for you..

It was another dreary Sunday in Hogwarts, Y/N was with the Marauders except for James, they were eating at the great hall.. They were talking, teasing and annoying each other when James entered with Lily in his arms.. That image broke Y/N to thousands of little pieces, she suddenly became one with the universe.

"She finally said yes, mates!" James announced causing all of the students to cheer and screamed, obviously happy.

To Y/N, the news broke her.. She was fine with James crushing to Lily because she though Lily was not interested.. But after years of pining and persuasion, she finally said yes. Y/N should've seen it coming, she should be happy for them but why is she hurting?

"Aren't you happy for us, Y/N?"

Y/N was called back from her thoughts, the question echoed through her mind.. Oh dear Godric, she was not happy.. She wanted to be the one under James arms, or to be the one to kiss him in the lips.. She love James, not like platonic, this was so much more.. She wanted to be Lily so bad, ofcourse she's not bloody happy!

"Of course, I am!Congratulations, Prongs!"

But what could she do? Y/N would have lost that battle years ago, she was not James type.. What could she do but just pretend that she was happy and fine with them.. She was dead sure that she'll forget all about James someday.. So until that day comes, she needs to fake a smile and accept her fate.

Loving your bestfriend is the worst thing in the world, James.. I wanted to confess so bad, but the idea of losing you was a heavy baggage to carry.. So, I settled by just being your friend but you don't know how many times I've wanted to confess..

To go up to you and smashed my lips into yours but you were in a relationship with Lily, so I never did anything.. You were happy, and that was enough for me.. And don't get me wrong, I tried to find someone else but you were the best James..

It has been weeks since James and Lily got together, no one knew how she felt.. She was all alone, fighting her feelings from overcoming her. Y/N was sitting in the library, reading a muggle book called 'Wuthering Heights'..

However she hated it, she was bitter and had no time for lovey dovey books.. Y/N needed to move on, she shouldn't be stuck on James..

"Hey, Y/N!"

Y/N was startled by a Hufflepuff student, she smiled and laughed..

"I'm sorry if I startled you, I--I just have a question to ask you.."

Y/N squint her eyes, she doesn't even know this guy.. She rattled her brain for any recollection of this guy..The guy saw her confused face and chuckled.

"I'm Oliver Rigby, the captain of the Hufflepuff quidditch team.."

"Ohhh, yeah.." She just murmured but she had no idea who this guy is.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to go to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

Y/N was taken aback but she needed to move on, she can no longer be hung up on a guy that doesn't even loves her back.

"Sure.."

"Alright!I'll pick you up then!"

Y/N just smiled and walked away, she was reluctant to moved on.. Her heart was still beating for James, but she needs to move on.. For her own sake.

They were nothing compared to you, I tried to moved on.. But I always ended up to you, the same feelings always came rushing in when I see you.. Every guy seems horrible when compared to you.. The short period of time we spent together was wonderful, you gave me purpose when no one else did.

Y/N has just come back from a very horrible date, the guy did nothing but talk and brag about himself.. He was not like James who was funny and talks about entertaining stories.. The guy was not sweet nor kind, he was a bit of an ass.. That's the only thing he had in common with James, she sighs and sat in one of the sofa in the common room..

No one can beat James to Y/N, her standards were bloody high because of James.. She wanted to cry but that was stupid.. Crying over a guy who didn't even hurt her, she hates herself.

"Hey."

Y/N heart skipped a beat, she knows who's voice is that.. That voice gives her butterflies, she loves how that voice says her name..

"James.."

"Thought you had a date?Why are you back so early?" He questioned.

"O-Ohh.."

"Did he stood you up? I reckon he'd do that, he looked like a douche to me."

"Sure.." She answered not looking at him, James sits next to her and put her arms around Y/N.. She felt her body stiffen as his body made contact with her.. Y/N silently prayed that James wouldn't notice her increasing heartbeat, the stiffening of her body and the way her cheeks blush..

"Are you alright?" James seems to notice his bestfriend all red and she looked like very uncomfortable..

"What if I said no, what would you do?"

"Make you feel better, ofcourse!" His laughs echoed through the whole Gryffindor tower.. Y/N let out a dry laugh, she didn't mean that.. But her heart was breaking into thousands of pieces, she want this feeling out of her system.

"Are you really alright?"

"Yeah, maybe.."

"Want to talk---"

"Jameees!" Lily's voice called the attention of the messy-haired boy..

"I'll be right back, Lily needs me.."

"B-But what about me?" Y/N tried her very best to not choke up and crack.

"Later, Y/N.." James messed her hair, she didn't meant to be demanding however this was the sign she was looking for.. The sign that James doesn't feel anything special for her, she was just James very annoying friend..Y/N realized that with one call, Lily has James wrapped around her perfect fingers, with only one call from Lily, James was gone.. He just left her hurting friend for Lily, Y/N suddenly felt her heart was no longer there..

It was bruised and beated so many times, and now.. Y/N chest is nothing but a vacant lot, an empty hollow space.. The tiny little hope that maybe James likes her back can no longer be found.

That hope was now gone.

Y/N had reached her limit, it was truly over.. The love and jealousy she feels was a heavy baggage to carry. Y/N needed to avoid James, just until she was fully okay..

Y/N knew deep inside her that her love for James will never fully go away..

Avoiding you was the only reasonable thing to do, to be frank.. It was the only thing to do.. If I kept up that silly facade, I would ended up being mental.. You see James, jealousy is a monster that takes over your whole mind and body. It's a hideous monster you can't escape.. I do have a few questions, did you notice the not-so-subtle cold shoulder I gave you? Because back then it seems like you didn't, did you though? Did you cry every night like I did? Or did your heart break like mine did?

Y/N finally got out of her bed, she was in the great hall, hundreds of feet away from James.. But from the looks of it, he didn't really seem to mind.. He was too busy whispering sweet nothings to Lily's ear.

"If your glares could kill, Evans and Potter would be dead now.." Her friend intoned, she snapped her head away from the sight of James.

"I don't what your talking about.." Y/N denied..

"Of course, you don't.." Her friend tease.

"If my looks can kill, you will be the first one dead.." Y/N gave her friend a glare which her friends just brushed off.

"Blimey!No need to get mad, I was just stating facts.."

"Just sod off." Y/N just played with the food in her plate.

"If you told James about your feelings, he would've ask you out." Y/N's friend said in a teasing manner..

"No, he would never do that.."

"And how do you know that?" Y/n rolled her eyes at her friends question.

"Because I knew James, he was inlove with Lily since the start of our first year. "

"That's what you think.." Her friend crosses her arms and smirk at her.

"What?" She questioned confused.

"Nothing, idiot.. You won't understand.."

"O-kay?"

"Look Y/N, just move on.." Y/N scoffs at her friends genius idea.

"You make it sound like it's so bloody easy.."

"Is it not?You cry about it for a day then you find someone else.. " Y/N looked at her friend with a surprised gaze, is it that easy? How come it's so hard for her?

"See, easy.."

"Sod off.." She shut her friend down as thoughts occupied her mind..

Y/N was walking down the silent halls of Hogwarts alone, a frown in her face she hasn't been smiling this past few weeks.. Her back suddenly stood straight when the four familiar faces welcomed her when she entered an empty classroom.

"Oh, hello Y/N.." Sirius was the first to greet her with a big smile on his face but she didn't give the smile back.

"Y/N!I was wondering where you were these past few weeks.." Remus gave her a comforting smile.

"Yeah, I had no one to eat my sweets with!" Peter walked up to Y/N and offered her a chocolate which she didn't accept.

"I apologize, I have to go now.."

"But Y/N--" Peter didn't get to finish the sentence, she was gone, James didn't even look up from his seat.. Did he forgot all about Y/N? But Y/N didn't feel anything anymore.. Funny how numbness can have it's perks sometimes..

Maybe you didn't notice me because you were so inlove with pretty little Evans? That came out a little rude, I apologize for that, but I'm not sorry.. You see, I don't hate Lily, but then again kinda wish she were dead.. She was all you saw James, I was with you through your worst.. I gave you everything, but what do I get in return?

Just heartaches and neverending what-ifs.. You never saw me James.. Remember the day we graduated and left Hogwarts? You didn't even say goodbye to me, not even a single glance James.. I was not the only one who gave up on our friendship.. We both did, James..

Riding the Hogwarts train one last time was a bittersweet moment for others.. To Y/N, it was a relief.. She would finally get to leave the place that reminds her of James, every corner and walls was embedded with memories of Y/N and James having fun with each other.. It may sound nice but it only brought misery to her.

"Y/N!We're getting off now.." Y/N's friend broke her silent trance.. Y/N stands up and exits the train, her feet hit the platform floor, Y/N took a deep breath and wander her eyes to the sea of graduate students. Some were celebrating, some were crying and there Y/N saw him..

James had Lily under his arms as they talk with the rest of the Marauders.. Disappointment was written all over Y/N's face, this was the last day they would be able to see each other and James didn't even glance at her.. They were friends for years, she couldn't belive that their friendship was beyond repair..

"Quit staring at him, your looking pathetic." Y/N whispers under her breath, walking away without saying goodbye was not how she planned her last day in Hogwarts. Y/N was moving to America and will work in the Ministry of Magic there.. She does not want to work in the same place that James and Lily was going to work at..

Y/N needs to really move on, and America would be the place for it.. Atleast there, she's far away from any reminders of James or Lily.. Holding her trunk, she walks away from her old life.. No more heartaches, just miserable thoughts and lots of what ifs.

Moving here didn't even help, I'm still inlove with you.. You might be confused about why I'm just sending this letter to you now.. Well Mister Potter, I just got an invitation to your wedding and I'm very very drunk right now.. I didn't think you would really send me an invitation because you know were just strangers.. We spent years ignoring each other and now this bloody envelope shows up at my home..

How did you even knew my address? Were you keeping tabs on me? If that's the case then I'm very flattered and also a little bit creeped out but that's not the point! The point is, I'm not going to your wedding because I'm still fucking inlove with you.. I hope you enjoy the wedding though, also don't bother writing back.. I would never remember this anyway, so James.. Give Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease.

Sincerely,

Y/N L/N

If you guys have any request for imagines about ( marvel characters, DC characters, stranger things, game of thrones, brooklyn 99, friends, basically anything! I accept everything!)

#james potter x reader #imagines #james potter imagine #james+potter+x+reader #marauders #hogwarts #james potter #no voldemort au #oneshot #oneshots

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visd3stele · 3 years

Text

The beauty and his beast - wolfstar fic

summary: two different nights, years passed, some things changes, but some never do

TW: nightmares, PTSD, trauma, non depictive child abuse, themes of suicidal thoughts

A/N: I loved writing this, but I am so nervous about it. What do you think?

requests ; masterlist

fanart credit picture down below: @lunopal

Ragged voices licked his ears. Three different ones overlapped in a cacophony of hissed whispers and dooming laughs. From where he stood in the middle of his cell, Sirius could see a silhouette standing in the open door. Open, because there was no way he could escape. Three Dementors floated in a circle around him, so fast he could barely tell them apart. Black smoke, a burning smell and shadows whirled under low hoods, bringing him to his knees.

The man in the door curled his lips in a terrible grin. The Dementors were his and with each mind they broke, with each soul they ate, the wizard gained a sense of pride and morbid joy.

Sirius knew it. He knew the man, back in his school years - how far they seemed now! But Sirius also knew he was delusional. The Dementors bow to no one. They have no law, no caretaker, no master. Only their purpose.

Continuing to swirl around his frail body, sinked in to a third of what it used to be, bony edges poking out through dirty thin layers of clothing, the Dementors closed in on Sirius. Flashes of memories flew before the Animagus' eyes. James' empty ones, still open in a silent plea for his sacrifice to be enough to save his family, his brown hair dipped in his own blood, body angled in an unnatural position with his hand stretched forward above his head as if reaching for his best friend. Lily's tears, yet to dry and evaporates, stained her too pale face, the red of her hair sprayed around too lively; no blood pools formed around her lifeless body, laid on its belly as it fell onward, as if leaping away from her son, so the baby won't have to see it. And finally Harry, his godson, crying in his crib, a brown-red crust shaped like a lightning forming on his forehead; his green, small eyes, swollen, puffy and trimmed with red followed his godfather as the man turned his back on him and ran outside.

Sirius cursed loudly, beginning to shackle the chains trapping him in place in case he tried to escape the daily visit of the Prison Warrant and his guards. But the now twenty five years old has stopped trying to run a long time ago. What good would it be? There was nothing - no one - waiting from him out in the world. No, Sirius trashing around the cold, dirty dais, snapping the metal biting in his wrists, bruising his effervescent skin and almost cracking his bones as well was his attempt to run from his own mind. If he could just wipe the haunting memories away with a shook of his head, a twist of his back or punching and kicking the thick walls.

Fragments of thoughts he wasn't sure belonged to him invaded his mind. "Your fault. Traitor. Another Black." And, worst of all, one pained howl, a desperate scream in the night. Sirius wasn't sure if he heard it, or the dark creatures around toyed with him, but Remus' wild, feral yell of pure hurt reverberated inside the bars of his mind. The young wizard shut his eyes closed tightly, hoping to brush away the sound, the voices. Failing to do so, he released a scream of his own, only a hint of Padfoot, the big, black dog, his alter ego, printed in it.

The thirty four years old man yanked up. The bed sheets were soaked in his sweat, the blanket throwed on the floor. Sirius passed a shacking hand over his face, feeling the hot air leaving his mouth in short breaths, than big inhales with no exhale, the burning of tears on his warm red cheeks and the running nose. His lips felt sewed together all of a sudden, as chill after chill entered his body, cooling off his face too quickly.

It was just a nightmare, he knew. He escaped Azkaban, has been a free man from over a week already. But Sirius Black couldn't let the twelve years in prison go. The things he saw there, what the Dementors showed him day after day, carved their way in his brain, refusing to leave. Yes, he may have been wrong: his family and living friend welcomed him back. Harry was warming up to hid godfather, Nymphadora Tonks was eager to know her uncle, Andromeda even reached out, sending letter after letter and Remus - well, Remus hugged him tight and apologized for believing that filthy rat's lies. The werewolf spent his days, from first ray of sunshine until the last drop of sunlight. But the nights he went home. The nights when ghosts came to play, wounds teared open and pain leaked like blood from Sirius' heart, Remus was gone.

He tried to remember a time they didn't share a bed - before Azkaban, of course. Not in a sexual way, though it came to that in the late years of Hogwarts too. But simply for the comfort they each found in the other. It started in the second year, Sirius recalled.

Four twelve years old boys in a room seemed like a receipt for disaster. In a way, it was. After finding out their friend's secret, James, Sirius and Peter decided to sneak in the herbology cabinet, get Mandrake leaves and become Animagus. Seeing as they got away with it, the four created their enchanted map and become the Marauders, messers Prongs, Padfoot, Moony and Wormtail, waltzing their merry way through Hogwarts.

Not everything was merry and joyful, though. And despite their reputation, the wizards could be grave and serious when need be. Like one night, when Sirius woke them all up with his cries. The grey eyed boy stood on top of his bed covers, knees drawn to his chest, hands tangled in his shoulder length hair. He leaned back and forth, trembling. Front teeth bit in his lower lip to prevent him from making more noises as silent tears rolled down his face.

The other three boys thought Sirius saw a mean spirit, the haunted glassy look in his eyes only proving their theory further. But no danger threatened in the shadows of their room. No monster lurked in the darkness.

James was the first to get up and surf his way to the pure blood. Remus followed closely behind while Peter watched everything from the safety of his bed. Sirius' episode truly spooked him.

"Padfoot, mate, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. 'm sorry. Go back to sleep."

James and Remus changed worried looks at the sourness of Sirius' voice. Their friend would usually be the epitome of confidence, yet now he seemed to desperately try to shrink and disappear. But it was late and they were tired, so the boys decided with a swift nod that they'd pick up the subject in the morning and climbed back under their covers.

Remus jolted awake. Two out of his three best friends were sound asleep. Sirius still stared at the wall in front of him, breathing jerky. Due to his fine, superior hearing, the werewolf discerned the Black boy's muffled whimpers, sounds that kept him from sleeping.

"Sirius, why are you so afraid?" Remus whispered.

" 'm not afraid, Moony. Sleep."

"Can't. Werewolf remember? I hear you trying to not cry. You can cry, you know."

"I know." Sirius said in a tone that clearly showed he doesn't. With a sigh, Remus threw away his blanket, slipped his feet in his shoes and trailed his legs over the dorm's brick daises until he reached his friend's bed. The brown haired boy signed Sirius to scoop over, which he did, to both wizards surprise.

Later, when talking about that night, Padfoot admitted he was too tired, too shocked and too lost in his mind to think and only acted on auto pilot.

Remus brought the blankets to cover them both, still seated as they were. "Do you need a hug?" Sirius hesitated before answering, but eventually he nodded twice, a quick movement as if the boy was ashamed to admit it and wanted to pass unnoticed.

But Remus smiled softly and wrapped his hands around him. Sirius clinged onto his friend. The warmth of the gesture, the cozy closeness of a settled, stable body, a person that cared deeply about him and only him as a being, set the restrained tears free. Remus held Sirius until his body stilled and he could feel no more tears soaking his pajamas.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Sirius swallowed, but the words demanded to be spoken. "Yes."

"Alright. I'm gonna ask you questions and you can answer with yes or no. It's your choice if you want to elaborate. Sounds good?"

"Yes." Sirius said and for a moment his usual, ironic self showed up.

"Was it a nightmare?"

"Yes."

"About your family?"

With a shudder, the grey eyed boy forced out another "yes."

"Your brother?"

"No."

"Your parents, then. Did they - did they do something to you?"

"Yes." Remus' arms tighten around him and he clunged harder to his friend as well. In the safety of the Gryffindor dorm, shared with his most trusted peers, comforted by the scarred boy he became an Animagus for, Sirius stumbled over his thoughts. The dream weighted heavy on his mind, but he didn't know how to let free of those horrible images that haunted him. Not images, memories. Sirius feared that if he said anything they'll become real. Not that they weren't, but they happened in the past. Talking about them, invoking them, would feel like living through them again.

And yet, part of him wanted to talk. He needed someone to know. Sirius couldn't be sure why. Maybe to hear that it was nothing, that it was ok and he shouldn't be such a weak ship. Or maybe to hear it was normal and he wasn't alone. That is how parents love and his didn't hate him after all. Or just to show someone how broken he were, hoping to be picked un and patched.

So, speaking slowly, but evenly, Sirius retailed his nightmare to Remus. In his sleep, the twelve years old boy was hanging some muggle posters in his room: bands, promo for concerts, normal things a boy his age would own. He smiled broadly, music turned on quite loud, muggle music, when his parents bursts in. Walburga and Orion both yell, but Sirius can’t understand what they’re saying. It’s pretty clear they are very upset with him, though. And the reason couldn’t be more obvious.

“Sirius Orion Black!” his mother shrieked. “Ungrateful, worthless child! You are a stain on the family’s name.”

“You should be ashamed of you. As much as I am for being your father. Well, say something. Look how upset you made your mother!”

“Sorry,” he’d try to say, but his voice would break, too small to be heard by the angry adults. Which only worsened their state. Sirius watched frozen in terror as Walburga took her wand. Only his head seemed to be able to move, and he was shacking it vigorously, wiping his cheeks with it. The young wizard tasted tears on his tongue as he repeated the same words over and over again “no, please, ‘m sorry!” It did nothing to help.

Remus stayed in his bed that night.

°•▪︎~▪︎•°

The moon shone mockingly on the window. Last night has been a full moon and Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail failed to properly contain Moony. It happened quite a lot in their first days as Animagus. As normal, they got better over the years, the four boys falling in rhythm like an oiled machine. By the time they reached excellency, though, mistakes happened. James, Peter and Sirius thought less of it, but Remus took it badly.

As he laid in the dark, blanket drawn to cover his head as he hugged his knees on the side, the young werewolf tried to remember what happened last night. What if he killed someone? What if he will next time the boys won’t be able to restrain him? Is it worth living like this, a danger to himself and the ones around? What if he hurts his friends?

“I can hear your mind working from over here y’know?”

Remus straighten up in shock. “Padfoot?”

“Well, it’s not the Fat Lady. What’s on your mind?”

Remus shrugged, but Sirius wouldn’t stop pestering him until he poured his deepest fears and doubts.

“You won’t”

“How do you know this?”

“You won’t, Moony,” Sirius said more firmly this time.

“Alright.” Remus clearly didn’t believe him and his worries still troubled him as he turned to lay back down. He heard footsteps, then felt the mattress shifting as another body climbed over his bed covers. “I know because I am Sirius Black and you are my friend.” Less than an hour later, both boys were sound asleep.

Sirius slept in his bed that night.

°•▪︎~▪︎•°

It became a tradition. At first, they'd wait until one of them woke frozen in pain and panic, then they'd stay together and talk silently until they could sleep again. Later, Sirius and Remus would wait until James and Peter were out to decide who's bed to sleep in, knowing one of them - or both - ought to need the comfort.

The man kept trembling. His sobs caught in hiccups, leaving him out of breath. He did it. He left Harry for revenge. He practically made the choice for James and Lily, selecting Peter as secret keeper. His brother died and instead of mourning him, Sirius rejoiced bitterly in his cell - until he found out how he betrayed the Dark Lord.

He was just another Black. An evil presence in the world, despite his efforts. Gryffindor or Slytherin, it mattered not when his genes crafted him. Sirius tried so hard to be good, brave, loyal and the only thing he managed was to disappoint everyone. He was a nuisance and a burden and the a stain on the world. It'd be better if his sorry, useless existence would be wiped off the surface of the Earth.

Such thoughts clouded Sirius' mind when a light knock pulled him out of his head. "May I come in, Padfoot?"

The man almost broke at the nickname. Only one single person now would know to call him that. The weight of the realization hit him and another wave of tears carried the air from his lungs.

Receiving no answer, Remus kicked the door open, worry written all over him. The werewolf was panting and sweating from running, eyes wide close to terror. "Padfoot!" Seeing his oldest friend's state, he rushed to his side and hesitated only a moment before drawing him in for a hug.

"Nightmare?"

"Yes."

"Azkaban?"

"Yes."

"Dementors?"

"Yes. They-" Sirius gulped, shame tightening up in his throat. He was a thirty four man, for Godric's sake! And yet he cries like a baby. But the path he and Remus trailed off to, simple questions, any type of answer, so familiar and soothing he couldn't stop. "They tortured me. Showing me their - James and Lily's - death over and over. I left Harry, Moony. I stepped inside the house, saw that beautiful, brave child, suffering and I took off after bloody Pettigrew!" Before Remus could say a thing, Sirius continued, teeth so barred that words barely spitted out. "I heard you screaming too. I don't think that was real, but it sounded so broken, Moony. Twelve years, over twenty four full moons alone. 'm so sorry. It's all my fault."

Remus inhaled sharply, pulling Sirius even closer to him. He rubbed circles on his back, leaning to whisper in his ear "It was not, Padfoot. I should have trusted you more, star. If anything, it's my fault for spending so much time alone. So much, in fact, that it seems I neglected you, our agreement."

“It was my fault.” Sirius insisted.

“No,” and not letting him time to argue, Remus added “I know so, Sirius, because I am Remus Lupin and you are my... friend.”

Sirius pulled away only to find a reluctant smile playing on Remus' face. His body reacted before his mind could process its moving. He moved on the right side of the bed, still avoiding the other wizard's eyes. "Why are you here, Remus?"

"I couldn't sleep either. Thought to check on you as well. And good thing I did. You looked..." The professor didn't know how to finish that sentenced. Hollow. Empty. Dead. Scaringly close to death, in fact.

"Merlin! Thank you, Moony. You don't look bad yourself."

Remus chuckled. "Are you feeling any better?"

"No. You?"

"No."

Both men laughed. A bitter sweet sound passing through silence, taking with it any sign of discomfort that existed.

"I'm glad you came."

"Me too."

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