#of depression and such. also when dude said ‘I thought things would get better’ like oh yeah you know he trying to recover yet the spinning

[n3ptoonz]

Hello! I saw your most recent headcanon list thing with the Earthrealm guys being caught Slonking it Silly Style™ and uh. I was just wondering if you'd be willing to do something similar with the Outworld guys as well? Obviously you don't have to if you don't want to, but I think it would be neat! Thank you so much in advance! I love your work :)

deep, dramatic sigh. (kidding anon tysm i gush over comments like this ily smoochhhh) also the terminology made me laugh out loud ty for that

Shang Tsung

kinda sorta didn't gaf. who's to say he didn't want you to hear him. the world may never know

you were to report to him about some findings for his experiments and there he was, leaning over the table and straight up cranking it over a bucket (he's odd like that) honestly when you acknowledge your own presence he's like... can i help you?? you see i'm busy???

but at the same time he's like hold up i have a fine specimen here to help me out here...he's leaving here with SOMETHING (studio laughter)

Rain

i don't think he'd care either if you walked in on him. in fact, he might welcome it. he's used to having his own space, but he doesn't mind sharing it with people he's ok with being around. yes that includes you (is it only you? not even he knows yet)

day 8163 of using Rain's arrogance to push my narrative that he's not only in love with himself but how he looks in the mirror. you definitely walked in on him wanking it in the mirror and he'd freeze but recover so quick

ain't no way you're leaving here after you just caught him though. how else will his problems get solved? you went and made him hard all over again!

Reptile

syzoth has two, let's get that out the way. AND he uses both hands for them LMAOO

president of syzoth is a lil subby bitch society. so when you catch him tugging on both and reduced to a pathetic mess from his own hands??? he's frozen and quite literally has no clue what to do. he's sweaty, there's tears in his eyes, and his fangs are much more pronounced than usual

once you give him the green light that you're into whatever tf he was just doing watch him crawl over to you on all fours and hug your legs, practically begging you to touch him

Havik

expect this smug fuck to claim he wanted this to happen. dude was hunched over and going at it behind his own desk, grunting like a cave man who discovered self pleasure for the first time

1000% expect him to demand you help him, but instead it's after he froze for like 5 seconds and then tried to play it off

he would also be internally shocked when agree to finish the job, but on the outside it's like "that's what i thought...now get over here" whole time he's jumping up and down and twirling in his brain

Reiko

it's already rare that he has time to himself and definitely RARELY has time to be with you for an extended period of time, so you catching him when you wanted to surprise him with your presence it triggered his fight or fight LMAO

legit laughed at the thought of him jumping up from his chair hands ready to be thrown...but his dick is swinging PLSSSSSS

he's like well shit now he deserves your help after you almost got two pieced by your own boyfriend...but who's complaining?!

General Shao

this man weirdly reminds me of bowser sometimes. with that being said i think he'd do a BUAHA as a shocked sound when you catch him thwoping the schlong

as much as i can't fucking stand him he does look a lil better in this game i will admit. i'm not gonna sit up here and lie, he def has a HUGE wanker innit. so you didn't miss shit when you walked into his chambers

he would also demand your help. but if you have a lil push back just for fun, he'd eventually say please and be all soft and shit. why? cause it's you god damn it!

Baraka

let's be fr. truly i do not think mk1 baraka would masterbate simply bc he's like depressed all the time😭but for the sake of shits and gigs, ill humor y'all

let's say he hasn't seen you in a while and misses you dearly. he knew you were on a quest for a while, and he was very pent up... so what better way to release stress other than sparring! oh. not enough? time for another type spar 😈

if this were old baraka i'd say he has two 👁️ but since this version of tarkat is a disease let's say it made the skin around his wee like ribbed or something ya SO when you caught him he was in a straight up panic and apologizing profusely but once you calm him down and tell him you're glad he missed you so much, he's like oh shit...well help me out then...only if you want to!

a/n: i did it y'all FUCK. my bad for taking so long to release this i'm a perfectionist to a fault💀

#n3ptoonz #mk1 #mortal kombat #mortal kombat 1 #shang tsung #shang tsung x reader #reptile x reader #reptile mk #syzoth x reader #syzoth #rain mk1 #rain x reader #mk havik #mortal kombat havik #havik #havik x reader #general shao #shao khan #shao kahn x reader #mk reiko #reiko #reiko x reader #mk baraka #baraka x reader #baraka

[mythicalartistx]

I hate Master Odin from DR and my opinions of the other Masters

Mickey

Mickey is constantly hated in KH but there is someone who deserves it so much more. First of all he only knew Aqua was in the realm of darkness for a year.

Then Yen Sid commanded him not to go, plus he was busy with dealing with Organization XIII, then the Journal, and the exams Sora and Riku took. And the last two only probably took a month or so each.

Then he tried to find her with Riku's help because it's probably better to go with another person....

I don't get it especially when Odin— the worse master to ever happened exists.

And Mickey did so much for Riku and helps him when he needs someone.

I hate Odin with so much passion and one of the main reasons is that he isn't shown as doing anything wrong. They treat it like he didn't make any mistakes.

Ansem

He makes Ansem look so good in comparison —who I have mixed feelings on and I think Ansem's change of heart isn't genuine and seems way too fast.

Like the dude is talking trash about nobodies and how they don't deserve to exist and they have no feelings. Then suddenly at the end you regret that and is like I'm sorry Roxas?? Like why? How did you get to this reason?

It doesn't seem genuine and then he sacrifices himself like oh now we're supposed to feel bad because he did this one good thing?

And Riku did not need to deal with this guy, he's awful.

But back to him.

Odin

This guy is the reason why Xehanort is the way he is. He set him on the path. Odin can't understand mental health. This student of his was going through some things because his sister was missing and presumably dead. He was not in a good head space and depressed so Odin decides to isolate him??

Yeah.....

Not a good thing.

It makes him worse and then darkness influences him🤦

And then there are these missing students so he decides the best thing to find the students are to send his INEXPERIENCED UNDERCLASSMEN?

It makes no sense.

It's stupid.

They could also get hurt.

Why doesn't he A MASTER TRY TO LOOK FOR THEM or send I don't know another master???

But he send Xehanort Eraqus and several others.

And basically them going to worlds make it where they question how things are which lead Xehanort down his path of destruction. It makes him curious about darkness and curious if it's right or wrong to dwell in world's affairs even if it's a world with people doing bad things.

Then the student who was not in a good place... Yeah Baldr gets influenced by darkness badly and wants to hurt and decides to kill everyone

IT'S NOT GOOD

And then Xehanort and Eraqus are the only ones left. So Odin decides to tell Xehanort to kill him.

And Xehanort has been having thoughts about darkness and light and what everything means. And he didn't exactly disagree with some of the things Baldr said.

WHY WOULD HE PLACE THE BURDEN ON XEHANORT?

And by doing that he cause him to eventually go down dark path.

Then Odin retires.

I'M SO GLAD.

He deserves to retire after failing and being an awful person and master.

Like dude is so bad.

But that's not until he sends the two survivors into taking the mark of mastery exam which is a stupid exam which always have bad things happen.

And Xehanort meets The Master of Master who honestly seems chaotic and just does things because he is bored. That's my gist of this guy. An he's not good for him.

He causes him to go farther in and become worse.

Yeahhhhhhh

He gets so interested learning about darkness and light. He probably heard about things relating to kingdom hearts from M.O.M.

Then Xehanort leaves Eraqus and when he comes back he's different. Eraqus can tell and realizes he has been obsessed with darkness. They even get in fights. It doesn't go well.

And Odin isn't heard from again thank goodness.

If Sora dealt with this guy man it would be so bad.

Master Yen Sid

Now he isn't that great.

For one he believes all nobodies are bad?

Like why? They just want hearts to live. They aren't bad people. But he makes Sora think really bad of them.

Also he doesn't really do much. He seems to be really strong as shown in kh3 but he just sits back and lets all the kids do everything.

During the exam in DDD, it was rigged because of Xehanort. And Sora doesn't pass because Riku dived in a second time. BUT SORA WOULD DEFINITELY DO IT FOR RIKU.

It's the stupidest reason why Sora didn't pass. I'm fine with the idea of Sora not becoming a master yet BUT MAYBE DO A BETTER REASON OR SOMETHING

Yen Sid is dumb.

Also not allowing anyone to go back to search for Aqua until kh3

And taking the exam in the first place is dumb. They just realized that something bad is in the midst from the recoded events and then he summons Sora and Riku to take this exam.

They don't think someone might try to mess with it AT ALL??

Also as Sora said, they proved themselves several times. Only because of Riku insecurities they end up taking it. Riku's still doesn't believe in himself and fears his darkness a bit...

So Sora takes because Riku does. He just wanted to take it with him and be with him by doing so.

Yeah that doesn't work out.

Also Yen Sid training Kairi with Axel is kinda bad??? Like they should have helping them instead of endlessly training. It doesn't seem that great since they both easily gets knocked away.

But yeah, it's not too good but it's not necessary bad.

Eraqus

He's a pretty decent Master. And when I say decent I mean he tried. What he does that no one else does is he APOLOGIZES. He acknowledges what he does is wrong in kh3. He hugs all of them and apologizes. It seems genuine.

And after dark road his actions make sense he does what he does because he's afraid of them dying from darkness like Baldr or being corrupted and dangerous.

Though I HAVE NO IDEA why he brought Xehanort around?

Did he not remember??

He sees all three of his apprentices as his own.

He has Aqua look out for Terra because he was worried. But he realizes how much pressure he put on her.

As for Ven he thinks destroying him is the best way to stop the χ blade from being forged and doing what Xehanort wants.

IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE REGRETS IT.

He is like how could I raise my hand against you, talking to Terra and referring to Ventus.

And Terra protects Ventus because he cares for him and he uses darkness for a good reason.

And I'm not going into Aqua because she doesn't really do that much with others besides watch Terra which Eraqus told her to do, it's not from her own decisions and things. She doesn't really have time to act that much. And afterwards she is by herself in the realm of darkness.

Riku, I'm not going into either because he doesn't do much yet involving his title.

#kingdom hearts #Eraqus #Xehanort #dark road #kh dark road #riku #baldr kh #aqua #Terra #Yen Sid #Ansem #Ansem the wise #mickey kh #kh spoilers #kh discussions #discussion post #discussion #kh #Sora #kh manga #Odin #master Odin #kh Odin #dark road Odin

[bsnotoneaskedfor]

Tired MK

Before you judge, hear me out.

MK goes through SO much shit because of his "Monkey Kid" status. Like, a ton. As someone who is a teen and struggles with mental health it is so obvious that MK has been spiraling since day one. The poor dude is going to die of anxiety and depression before the Lady Bone Bitch tries to order a smackdown with a side of trauma. MK is also a people pleaser. He legit is always trying to live up to people's standards and be "just like Monkey King".

Here's the thing: I also suffer from trying to please everyone and let me tell you that shit is exhausting. Fuck magic, the thing that really makes this show fiction is that MK hasn't had a massive mental breakdown. He's had baby ones, that are still valid, but he's pushed them aside because "he has to be the hero". He never really shows signs of emotional distress besides the show poking fun at it or using it for plot. For those in the comments, please don't try to psychoanalyze the show to prove me wrong. This is just what I have seen. So, with this being said, there is something I really would love to see and have adopted it as my personal headcannon.

MK being done with everyone's shit.

Not, "MK's tired", or "MK's sassy ;D", or even Mk going through an emo phase.

I want absolutely 100% done MK.

I want to see him surviving on coffee or energy drinks because the weight of everyone's expectations keeps him up at night. I want him mad when people start blaming him/looking to him for answers because "he's the Monkey Kid". I want him done with Wukong's bullshit. I want my realistic representation of burnout and mental illness. I want to see him trying to get better and no longer caring about calling people out for being toxic.

I don't know if I'm 100% explaining this right because words are really hard so here are some examples of what I see my MK head cannon as.

(This one's based off that one TikTok audio where the guy yells at the cats to get off the couch)

MK: *Sitting peacefully, attempting to do homework or some other quiet activity*

Macaque and Wukong : *fighting like feral cats*

MK: (almost roars it) STOP IT!

Macaque and Wukong : *is startled and a little afraid*

MK : LEARN TO FUCKING GET ALONG OR SO HELP ME I'LL TEST THE LIMITS OF YOUR IMMORTALITY

Macaque and Wukong : *obeying, nearly about to piss themselves out of fear*

MK: *Deep Breath. Goes back to what he was doing*

Every Demon Within 50 miles : wtf was that?

--- -------------------------------------------------------------------------

MK: *chugging a coffee or energy drink*

Some Demon: *starts destroying the city*

MK : Dammit *Chugs faster. *

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wukong: Hey bud! When's the last time that you've slept?

MK: *completely deadpan* It is finals week.

Wukong : That doesn't answer-

MK:*getting angrier* I have to defend the city every damn day. I have to deal with your messes, including you. I train every day for at least 4 hours even when we don't meet up. I WORK FULL TIME AT THE GODDAMN NOODLE SHOP AND THEN I HAVE TO FUCKING STUDY FOR COLLEGE. WHEN IN THE NAME OF BUHDDA WOULD I BE ABLE TO SLEEP?!?!

Wukong : *sweats* So I see that you're stressed-

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Team Monkey : Why didn't you use [ insert power] to start with?!

MK: *sarcastic* I'm sorry. I thought we all deserved a nice bonding trip where we spent the entire time bickering and getting the shit beaten out of us. Was that supposed to be next week?!?

Team Monkey : . . .

MK: How about you guys make a list of everything I can do. That way, next time, we can just all look at it together and none of you blame me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Son : * trying to pick a fight and just being a dick in general*

MK: *Not having it* Do not make me duct tape you down so I can embroider your worst nightmares onto your skin, you pompous little fuck!

Red Son : . . .wtf

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Son : *Is pretty*

MK: *deep sigh of disappointment* I need therapy . . .

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mei : * Gets the Samhadi Fire*

MK: *remembering all the shit and expectations he went through once he got his powers*

Mei: *About to have a breakdown*

MK: *laughs* Have fun

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Son: *breaks in at the middle of the night in an attempt to capture MK*

MK: *is awake because insomnia* So, do you , like, want some tea . . .?

May do a Pt 2

#lmk #lmk sun wukong #lmk macaque #lmk mei #lmk mk #lmk spicynoodles #lmk shadowpeach #lmk qi xiaotian #lego monkie kid #funnyshit #Mk is done

[hisbutler-problematic]

On the topic of Sebastian being completely enthralled about everything Ciel is, I personally love it so much more knowing manga context, because O!Ciel was the 'spare'. He was not supposed to carry the family nane and, frankly, people didn't think he'd be capable of it due to his poor health anyway (Remember Frances and Vincent's conversation in the flashback chapters? It's obvious O!Ciel was quite saddened by what he heard).

By all means, in a twisted way, Sebastian might just be the first person to regard O!Ciel as someone deeply capable, a shiny singularity that doesn't live in anyone's shadow. The adults around him were - tho not unrightfully - seeing his fragility first and foremost while his brother, despite seeing him as worthy, didn't wish for him to leave and forge his own path. R!Ciel's reaction came from childishness sure, but that isn't to say that it didn't feed into the idea that O!Ciel was 'his backup'.

Going off from this, Sebastian is also the one thing in his life and is irrevocably his. Again, twisted, but all O!Ciel built has been under another's name. The manor, the company, the engagement etc. None of them truly his, but his brother's. And the other servants? They are loyal, however ultimately their own people. Sebastian? In an entirely different spot. He'll be there until the end after all.

This is an aspect of their relationship that tugs at my heartstrings so much. It's so toxic and depressing yet strangely soft and tender somewhat at least to me.

Sorry, I just really wanted to pour my thoughts and I appreciate your posts. So here I am!

anon, i’m in love with you

i literally think about this all the time like. that conversation frances and vincent had? imo vincent just flippantly saying "i guess ill just have to give the estate back to the queen lmao" could be taken 2 ways which is: at face value OR (what i think is more likely) vincent just saying what he knows will piss frances off to get her to stop talking. tbh vincent seems like a good dad imo and like he doesnt super underestimate o!ciel (he seemed absolutely fine with the idea of o!ciel going off to london by himself and opening a toy store in the future), but he DOES know that o!ciel is frail and sickly, and it makes me wonder how seriously he considered the idea that o!ciel might inherent the title of the queen's watchdog.

honestly, i feel in some respects, r!ciel treats o!ciel more carefully than their parents. he very much has an attitude of "my baby brother NEEDS me, he cannot survive without me!!" (gasps and shock, to learn it is actually the other way around /s)

all this to say, whether you lean more towards my interpretation or yours, or a fun mix, or whatever, it is undeniable that all of o!ciel's relationships were 'tainted' (for lack of a better term) by his illness and the way it made others view him and treat him.

AND THEN COMES SEBASTIAN

sebastian, who takes one look at o!ciel, and goes "lmao what a fucked up lil dude. time for little a snacky". sebastian, who then sits down to forge a contract with said little dude only to realize Oh Okay So This Child Is Clever. And o!ciel being sickly does kind of come up when they're making the contract, but sebastian focuses more on the actual logistics of that and o!ciel says 'nvm we'll deal w it when it comes up' (which is hilarious imo. he really said a sudden chill can put me on my deathbed but thats a problem for future me).

and then it turns out o!ciel is hella sheltered. but also a huge bitch.

and at this point, all i can assume is sebastian is so bewildered by this experience that the fact that o!ciel is frail and sickly and fragile is like. just another thing about this kid. o!ciel has never made sebastian's life easy and it would be stupid to think he would start now, sebastian thinks as his young master suffers from yet another cold just bc it rained yesterday. "i never knew you had asthma" says sebastian, who has read every medical journal to date on chest colds. "you never asked," says the bane of sebastian's existence.

and the thing is you can say "sebastian is only worried about o!ciel bc if o!ciel dies, he loses his meal" which is true and accurate and tbh if i was sebastian and i had put up w that much, i wouldn't want to lose my meal to a mere cough.

BUT ALSO

then you see the way sebastian is so fascinated and intrigued and bewitched by o!ciel. i think to sebastian the fact that o!ciel is frail and sickly is just another contradiction in the sea of contradictions that makes o!ciel so fascinating. and i think sebastian is the only one who really sees all those contradictions, he's the only one who sees everything that makes up o!ciel. and he loves what he finds.

(not to mention the fact that sebastian is the only person o!ciel allows to see his every aspect. or, well, some he tries to hide, but only because he thinks sebastian will try to use something against him. either way, sebastian is still the only person who he lets see the most of him. because sebastian is the only person who knows who he really is, who he doesnt have to put up a front for. he doesn't have to pretend to be his brother, he doesn't have to worry about being the spare.)

#kuroshitsuji #black butler #sebastian michaelis #our ciel #sebaciel #sky posting #sky talks #sorry if this doesnt make sense i started thinking about them and blacked out

[at-weeb96]

I saw your ask game post, so I wanna ask these two:

Favourite moment in the show

Favourite "Important" headcanon (ex: Finn and HW eventually hooked up)

Favourite "Unimportant" headcanon (ex: Marceline and PB pulled a few strings to make the former happen)

LONG POST

ooh this is an interesting one. I have a lot of thoughts on this so strap in and buckle up my dude

Favorite Moment- Since I already said Varmints was my favorite episode and there are so many good character moments in the series, I'll have to go with the ending montage and PB and Marcy's reconciliation in the RC Mines. The ending montage just warms my heart to know there are still adventures to be had with our favorite characters and that our own interpretations and headcanons can take shape with the stories not shown (although they may have changed post DL and who know what's to come with F&C)

Now for the moment from my fav episode. This scene is what made appreciate PB's character and made her my favorite AT character. We see Peebles at her lowest point when she is no longer in control of her life and pushed away those she tried to trust and form relationships with.

First her "family" betrayed her and she was forced to "lobotomize" them to keep them from hurting her and her brother Neddy (if you remember, her hat was once a piece of Gumbald's merchandise) Then when she found someone to share her life with, she (Marcy) ended up "betraying" her too (and wrote a banger of a diss track in the process) And then she was betrayed by her own people and forced into exile from her home by that dilweed KOO (and even stole and wore her clothes that creep)

And the final nail in the coffin is when the Varmint Queen/Mother (whatever you wanna call that body-horror nightmare) traps her and Marcy in the mines and Marcy puts on her go-to coping mechanism and starts jokingly ridiculing Bonnie for the umpteenth time, PB can't take it no more and lets her emotions and insecurities pour out. But what does Marcy do? She listens to what her friend/ex has on her mind and tells her she has nothing to apologize for cause she's been through a lot of stuff too. And after all that, they finally understand each other better and reconcile their strained friendship (and eventually their love for one another)

And that's why those are my favorite moments from AT. Now after that long ramble, I can now answer the other things.

Important HC -I think when Jake died, since Finn took it really hard and become depressed like that scene in The Music Hole, PB and Marceline started being around him more becoming his supportive older sisters with BMO as his emotional support robot. (his mother Minerva would video chat with him every once and a while since a small human colony was established in Ooo like in the Season 11 comic issue)

Eventually Bronwyn would be interested by the stories of the adventures of her late grandfather from Finn's friends and wanted to explore the lands of Ooo and beyond with him. At first he was hesitant of adventuring without his bro, but PB, Marcy, Minerva, and Simon encouraged him to take her on adventures since Finn was instrumental in the betterment of their lives. And that's why she is with Finn post Obsidian (unless F&C contradicts this)

And finally Unimportant HC -Since it's shown in Obsidian that Simon most likely owns DB Guy's Tavern, Finn, Jake, Marceline, PB and everyone else we know and love from AT hang out and discuss their past and present adventures and their lives with each other each week.

Thanks so much for the questions. That was probably the longest ramble I've ever written online. Almost makes me want to colab with other AT fans on stuff, if I can get past my laziness and procrastination. I also want to shout out these other tumblrs who have made me the AT fan I am today (perhaps I should join discord again?)

@gunterfan1992 @uncivilizedelk @sometipsygnostalgic @j4gm @teethcritter @lobster-lover @loffican @marcydaydream @squeempus @crochetwithcat @artsywak @eeveryadventuretimes @oli-the-cat @ptoodle and @jacketpotatoo

❤Love you all, especially you @leironth (thanks again for the awesome ask)

#adventure time #asks #ask game #answered request #character analysis #fan discussion #mutual therapy #mutuals #at fandom #i love you guys

[frecklystars]

Hi, I sent you an ask a while ago about Ken taking care of your wound. I hope I didn't overshare in the first part of the message. I just wanted you to know you're not alone in your feelings.

Hi sweetheart!!! No please don't worry!! I meant to respond to you (not as a posted ask ofc, but rather making a separate text post without any details/info attached for your privacy) but my depression hit me super hard the last few days and I wasn't able to get back to anyone in a timely manner the way that I planned. I got over 30 asks this week that I was hoping to answer but,,, my brain has turned into a burnt out baked potato since I've picked up so many extra shifts fjhgjfdgh

You didn't overshare, don't worry about that. I thought about you a few times this week and hoped you were doing okay, or well, as okay as you can be given the circumstances. Thank you for empathizing with my situation, and I'm very sorry for what you have to put up with. Literally as I was reading your message I was thinking "dude are we literally the same person or something??" I have gone through almost all of those scenarios, of course not EXACTLY but my god it seems pretty close. and uh. it sucks. It hurts and it sucks..... ughh. We deserve better. It will get better. It's completely normal to have periods in your life where you feel so unbearably lonely and sad -- granted, our lonely period has been. like. forever lmao but like -- we WILL be surrounded by love and acceptance and one day we will forget how it felt to be in our current situation we're in rn. It's gonna get better. It feels super impossible and really hard everyday but dude it WILL get better bc that's how the universe functions, everything is temporary, eventually something will shift and new opportunities will come, or new people who bring you joy.

In the meantime, I am mentally holding your hand through any bad day you have. Thank you again for empathizing with me, bc honestly I hear sooo many stories about how people have... great experiences with the subject you wrote about, and it just makes me feel so bitter and resentful bc like... I'll never have that. And of course I am SO sorry that you go through the same feelings as me and the same, uh what's the word [squints] situations? events?? I don't know how to phrase it. but your message brought me a little bit of comfort to know I wasn't the only person who has to deal with that. I am surrounded by so many ppl who are so, so close with their families and watching that kind of thing makes me feel so bitter sometimes, and it just makes me wanna walk directly into the ocean dfshlfhslfksdsfd

I also want to say thank you SO MUCH for telling me Ken would patch up my wounds 😭😭 that was nice of you to take the time to do that for me ;-; I always beat myself up so much after I hurt myself, bc as you are aware of uh. [gestures to our unnamed topic] I've had bad experiences where i've hurt myself and have just gotten yelled at or ignored altogether, so. I just assume my F/Os would hate me for it. I get extra sad with Ken especially bc he's a doll and he's never seen human blood before, so my thoughts are always "oh he'd be scared of me and grossed out and hate me sooo much" but you were the first and only person who said "hey actually he'd be concerned!!!" and I just. wept. in a good way ofc!! but dude I just bawled after reading that, it was something I needed to hear so badly. Especially the lines "Ken loves you, Keri" "You know he doesn't half-ass things when it comes to you" and my favorite "He would draw you a little horse on the bandage, if you asked him to (he hopes you ask him.)" Ofc I will ask him I will PLEAD with this man to draw a very sparkle horsey in a pink glittery pen :] anyway I hope you don't mind I saved that particular paragraph so I could go back and reread it to cheer myself. I read it again today while I was at work actually!

Virtually I am giving you a big hug and flowers 💐💕✨ be safe, be well. I am sending you love and stars across the internet 🌟

#anonymous #asks #self harm mention #self harm cw

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

uh oh, new teaser pages for Clementine Book Two, you know what that means

It means someone has to talk about them... and that someone is me. 

We have an 11-page teaser, I’m going to go through them and give my thoughts just as I’ve done before. 

As a brief recap for Book One for those who didn’t read it or don’t remember- Clementine left Ericson and met a dude named Amos, and together they travelled to this ski lodge where these twins, Olivia and Georgia, need people to help build houses in the snow. Ricca’s also there, she’s Clementine’s love interest and her personality is she wears glasses. Things are great until Georgia decides murder is cool, so they gotta save Olivia from her and run away. They find a kitten, then take a plane that Olivia knows how to fly, so we last see her, Clementine, and Ricca escaping in said plane. 

That’s an extremely oversimplified version of the plot, if you want an in-depth review of Book One you can read my review here, but you just need to know that Clementine, Ricca, and Olivia escaped together, Amos and Georgia are dead, and they found a random kitten before taking off. 

We have Clementine, Ricca, and Olivia walking together while playing a game of multiplication. No snow, the sun is high in the sky, and it doesn’t appear cold based on how they’re dressed. 

Something about this page bothered the hell out of me and I finally figured it out last night- 

You thought I wouldn’t notice the dialogue change? Hmm? Well, joke’s on you! I did! This dialogue changed and I think that’s kinda funny. 

The second image there is from a little teaser Tillie posted on instagram a few months back and when she did, there were people who believed this was her throwing shade at the games which.... I still think that’s dumb. TWDG fans who hate Tillie will stretch literally anything if that means they can complain about her. I don’t know why this is different and really, it doesn’t matter. It’s one piece of dialogue I happened to notice had changed and it happened to be one that some fans got butthurt about so... do with that what you will. 

This first page looks pretty good as far as the art goes. Though I think it’s an interesting choice in how the bottom dialogue is laid out? Makes it look like the body and cooler are talking. 

They spot a rabbit and we can see Clementine has the cat they found in a pack on her back. Ricca goes after the rabbit with her knife. 

I don’t know how Ricca thinks she can actually catch the rabbit with a knife and failing vision. You’d think Clementine would be like, “Hey, you know what we need? A bow. We should make a bow and some arrows. Surely we’re resourceful enough to make one.”

Y’know, because Clementine lived at Ericson where they had bows and that’s how they did a lot hunting. Remember Ericson, Clementine? The bows, the traps, the stews, the protective walls, sleeping in a comfortable bed, that one kid you raised, gee what was his name-?

Granted, they might not have the materials to build a functional bow, I’m just saying they should consider it. 

....Ol? Anyone out there named Olivia, do people ever call you “Ol”? I feel like “Ollie” would flow off the tongue better? 

Anyway, Clementine has a lot of faith that Ricca’s going to catch that rabbit and they’re going to have a good meal, but Olivia? She’s big sad. Understandably so, her boyfriend was pushed off a mountain by her twin sister who she then left to die, and also her mom is dead so... I’d be pretty bummed, too. 

Pfft, Olivia’s actually giving us some depth to her character, she’s in an emotionally exhausted and depressive state after what happened to Amos and Georgia.... meanwhile Ricca runs into a pole with a CLANG and all she can say is, “Crap,” as her glasses fall off. 

On one hand, I get it. On the other, I can’t help but be a little annoyed. I don’t like when a character who desperately needs development is having an emotional moment, they’re opening up to someone else, we’re getting a better look into who they are, we’re understanding how they’re feeling.... only to have it interrupted because... I dunno, Ricca ran into a pole, isn’t that funny? 

This happened with Clementine and Ricca in Book One. Ricca starts opening up to Clementine about her vision getting worse, and then Georgia rudely interrupted by pushing Amos to his death. 

Again, I get it, interruptions happen and we don’t want to dump every thing all at one, we gotta keep that pace flowing.  Fine, the pay off better be worth it, that’s all I’m saying. 

I agree with Olivia- there’s no place in the world that will make me feel okay about Amos dying in Book One. He’s the best character in that book so of course he died.

Though we didn’t see a body and I’m holding out for a twist ending where Amos didn’t die and he comes back like, “You left me >:’[ and you rode in a plane without me!” c’mon, that’s villain backstory material.

...Watch Tillie bring Georgia back instead. I'll take that personally and it’ll be the crux of MY villain backstory. 

Anyway, Ricca’s run into a herd of walkers. 

I quite like this page. I’d say visually it’s my favorite of the bunch. I like how the sky and buildings are drawn, our characters look good, and even though walkers look pretty good compared to how a lot of them were drawn in Book One. 

Obligatory “gotta cover ourselves in walker guts,” scene. 

They drag a fallen walker into a cramped... uh some sort of building? And apparently Ricca can do math better when slathering herself in guts, so good for her. 

Again, the walkers look pretty good, I’m impressed by the improvement. I also really like the visual of the flowers in the rain. Over all, I’d say the art has improved from Book One. I don’t know if Tillie’s just more comfortable and more in flow with the style that she’s worked out the issues from Book One or what, but it’s not as messy and I feel like I can actually tell what’s happening. 

I guess they’re eating acorns and dandelions, and we see an appearance from Dr. Barnwell, the cat in Clementine’s bag. 

By the way, I’m calling it now- that cat’s going to die. It’s an animal, the characters are attached, and what’s a cheap way to make someone feel something? Kill the cute animal. Need I remind you of Helen, Amos’ horse? 

Either the cat’s dying, or the cat’s getting a character killed. In fact, I’ll throw this prediction out here- of the three, Olivia’s the most likely to die in Book Two, I think she’s going to die because of the cat. 

The cat aside, Clementine’s leg isn’t doing too good. She’s in a lot of pain. 

The visceral reaction I had to being reminded that Clementine named her leg Kenny put me in caveman mode, I almost started beating my fist against the wall while grunting disdainly. 

Why, oh why, did she name her leg Kenny? I must ask this once again. I know the answer is fanservice and Tillie likes Kenny as a character, but the in-world reason doesn’t work, I’m sorry, I don’t like it. 

What I do like is some character development, especially between love interests, which Clementine and Ricca supposedly are. 

Ricca’s concerned that Clementine’s pushing herself too hard and it’s making her leg worse. Clementine’s worried about Olivia, and she knows Ricca’s struggling with her vision.

Here’s the issue, and I think this page is the perfect example of this... I’ve played the games enough that if you showed me a screenshot from the game with dialogue subtitles, I could read them and hear Clementine’s voice. When I read Clementine’s dialogue here, I can’t for the life of me hear her voice. The way this is written isn’t accurate to how she talks. 

I know this medium is different, the way dialogue’s written in comics isn’t the same as game dialogue, but you can tell this is someone who hasn’t gotten her voice down. That’s frustrating because it’s Clementine. If you’re trying to market this to fans, which there is an argument to be made that this ISN’T targeted to fans of the games, then you’d think getting her voice down would be crucial but I don’t think we’re there yet. 

You have four games of source material and I think that’s a waste not to use.

Any fanfic writer can google the transcript to any of the games. You don’t even have to boot up the game, you can just find the transcripts-

-and it’s all there. Any season, any episode. You can click through all the dialogue choices to see everything Clementine’s ever said. It’s a handy tool if you’re writing fanfiction for any character you may struggle to capture the voice of. Same thing with Youtube, there are plenty of videos showcasing every choice. 

These books are pretty much fanfiction. They just happen to by published by Skybound. I have to pay to read it, so I expect it to be a higher quality and that means an accurate voice for Clementine.... and yes, I know, I can be a little stinker and find means of reading it without paying but that’s beside the point. 

The point is I can easily go on ao3 and read fanfiction for free. I can look up fan comics for free. These books have yet to get Clementine’s character/voice down and they’re being sold in stores and that makes me a little salty. 

And I can’t even be that mad at Tillie knowing that this is her job and they have her on a short time schedule, she has other books she’s writing, she teaches, she does tours, and I dunno... I think she’s doing her best with a project she’s not familiar with. That’s the nicest way I can put it. She’s not a bad writer by any means, her other books are proof of that, which is why these Clementine books make no goddamn sense.

ANYWAY... what were we talking about? 

Oh muh gawd, they held hands, that means they’re in love-

Okay, awkward flirting. How sweet. I guess. 

Too bad it’s interrupted YET AGAIN by something else... this time it’s Olivia getting caught by a couple of dudes. 

Before that, though, I do want to touch more on the romance here. 

I’m at the point where I can entertain the idea of Ricca as Clementine’s love interest/girlfriend. I can set Louis and Violet aside as if Clementine didn’t romance either of them, Ricca existing doesn’t take anything away from them, it’s okay. 

I’m hoping that there’s more of a focus on Ricca and her relationship to Clementine. It felt rushed in Book One, maybe we can slow down here and better set up the romance. 

I’m not still not on board, I can’t really say I’m rooting for them to finally kiss or be official. And I’ll be honest, it’ll take a lot to convince me. Unfortunately for Ricca, she has Louis and Violet to live up to, and I don’t she’s going to hit the mark. 

Also, can we stop comparing Ricca and Violet, especially now that Book One’s out and Book Two’s on the way? She’s not just Violet but with glasses, and Ricca’s vision isn’t the same thing as Violet losing hers. 

First of all, Violet only loses her sight if you don’t save her. Most who romance her also save her, so she doesn’t lose her vision in her full romance. Ricca wears glasses and her whole backstory is that her brother broke her glasses so that she had to rely on him for survival, then she found a bunch of glasses and ditched him, but now her vision is worsening to where the glasses no longer work like they should..... they’re not the same?? 

Also saying they’re the same is pretty insulting to Vi, sooo maybe stop that? Cool? Cool.

Hand holding aside, Olivia really did that self-fulfilling prophecy of “I’m gonna mess up your plan, Clem,” huh? She’s grabbed by these dudes outta nowhere-

-and they want them to drop their weapons. Olivia doesn’t want Clem to hand over the hatchet since that’s all they have left of Tim... uh, Tim’s that guy who got bit saving Clementine in Book One. He knew the twins, it’s a whole thing. 

Also, is that Amos’ hat on Olivia’s head? That looks like his hat. Hmm.

I guess the question is who are these dudes? Are they just random guys? Are they from the community Clementine and friends are going to join? Are they from an enemy community of that community? I dunno. This is the last page we got. 

“You kids shouldn’t be walking here, it’s not safe.”

“Who said we were kids?”

I know we’re trying to make Clementine look badass but meh. 

Overall thoughts... maybe I’m just feeling extra nice today, but it doesn’t look that bad. 

It’s still not good, but I feel an improvement over Book One as far as the art goes. The dialogue isn’t great, and I’ve already stated my issues with Clementine’s in particular. 

I can’t say I’m excited for this, but I’m not dreading it either. I’ve preordered it, it’s set to release in October of this year, I’m going to write an in-depth review of it so that y’all don’t have to read it yourselves. I’d love to hear any thoughts on this. I’ve gotta a few asks already that I’ll get around to answering, so feel free to send anything in. 

#twdg #twdg clementine #clementine book one #clementine book two #siiiigh... #long post

[sterek-stuffs]

Dear Fellow Traveler

written by: lanalua (sterek-stuffs) with art by @berrysterek

Rating: M (getting together, magic!Stiles, initial Stydia, endgame Sterek, Stiles leaves Beacon Hills, Stiles comes back to Beacon Hills)

Excerpt:

“Hey,” Stiles said when he was close enough for it to not be weird. Then he remembered Derek could have, and probably had, heard him from the house. Derek nodded, “I didn’t figure you for an early riser.” “Ha. I am full of surprises!” Stiles was in a good mood. “I see that. I thought you’d be back in New York by now.” Derek had a way of getting straight to the point. Stiles would have admired it if it wasn’t so annoying, so often. “Well, I decided to stay a bit longer, after our conversation that day, you know?” Was that a weird thing to admit to an… acquaintance? Friend? Trauma buddy? Whatever, it was too late now. He decided to turn things around on Derek. “Also, dude, are you staying here? What about your loft?” He was close enough now that Stiles could see his cheeks were a bit red, although whether from embarrassment or the cold he couldn’t tell.  Derek shook his head. “I have a room at the motel. I’m not staying here.”  Stiles raised his brows. “You’re such a bad liar!” Derek breathed what could be a laugh. “I’m not. It was just for tonight, I wanted to start work early today. Start tearing it down soon. It was easier to just stay here.” “And you’re clearly not a morning person.” Stiles quickly steered the conversation away from depressing topics. He meant to embarrass Derek, not make him think about his morbid past. Derek’s smirk showed a hint of fang. “Wolves are nocturnal.” “That’s not even true, you know? Wolves are totally crepuscular, so really, you should have been fully awake and ready to face the day by dawn, at the latest.”  Derek’s smirk softened into a smile, like he was pleasantly surprised at Stiles’ knowledge of random wolf facts. What did he expect? Stiles had gone into so many research spirals back in high school, looking into the behavior of wolves in the hopes of better understanding his lupine friends - well, and his enemies, if he was being honest. Guess the information had stuck with him even after all these years.

Coming soon to the @twsterekbigbang !!

#sterek #sterek big bang 2022 #derek hale #stiles stilinski #sterek fic

[rn-zane]

alternative title: if we were a movie TIMING: couple of weeks ago SETTING: drive in movie theater SUMMARY: chance made zane promise they'd hang out after the miscommunication at the er.

Chance wasn’t a huge movie goer anymore. Especially drive-in theaters, which almost always meant double feature movies. Sitting still for back to back movies wasn’t something Chance typically looked forward to, but he was still excited for the night. He wasn’t quite sure what it was about Zane that had grabbed his interest. The two didn’t seem to have much in common, in fact he was pretty sure that Zane would condemn half of the things Chance did for fun nowadays. But the two had managed to have some fun back and forth between their chats online and in the hospital. Chance hadn’t gotten bored talking to him then, so he considered it a reasonable and logical deduction that the two could find things to talk about during two movies if it got too boring for him. The only deal breaker now was if Zane hated movie talkers. If that was the case, Chance was totally screwed.

Pulling up at the address that Zane had given him, Chance shot the man a quick text and then leaned back against the driver’s seat, staring up at the ceiling of his truck and waiting for Zane. He wasn’t planning on letting himself be nervous. Sure, Chance usually relied on clubs or something when going out. If Chance couldn’t carry a conversation there he could disappear into the music or even dive off a damned cliff. He didn’t have any escape plans at a movie theater. The only defense Chance would have on his side was his humor. He wasn’t sure an authentic Chance was something anybody was actually looking for. 

 That depressing train of thought was thankfully broken by the sound of a car door opening. Chance peeked an eye open, noticing Zane before breaking into a smile and lifting his head, “What up, dude?” He shifted his body to face the man, welcoming him into the truck by reaching over to turn down the music a few notches. “I hope you brought your A game for snacks. I know you said no criticism, but I don’t feel like I made any strong promises.”

—

Was he overdressed? Underdressed? What did you even wear for a drive in theater with someone you’d met once, barraged with criticism about their (admittedly stupid) decisions and ended up as friends with? Zane was overthinking this, not entirely unexpected but still frustrating as he ripped off yet another sweater, defeatedly staring at himself in the mirror. This was so, so dumb. This somehow felt worse than that one time he’d given dating apps a chance and spent an hour deciding on whether or not to go. He actually wanted tonight, whatever the heck it was, to go well. Chance was nice and funny and Zane could probably put up with his rash decisions if it meant hanging out more. 

When he heard the sound of a car pulling up into the driveway followed by a text, he cursed under his breath and threw on the first sweater he’d tried on before it all went to shit. Jacket in one hand and small bag in the other, he rushed out the door, giving no one a chance to ask where he was going. True to his word, Chance had shown up in a pick up truck and greeted Zane with that genuine smile that made his whole face light up. Trying to find the sense of cool he managed to portray in the hospital and online, Zane clambered in, shaking the bag in his hand as proof of the promised candy. “Oh, I have options. And I will definitely lie and claim I brought some duds as well if you end up hating my favorites.” See? Easy. Nice and chill. 

“And,” Zane added, regretting the thought as soon as it was time to deliver on it but too late to back out now, “I also brought bribes to make sure I don’t get thrown out of the car.” The pad of stickers appeared from the bag, dinosaur ones of course, but these with a thin line of glitter outlining every single one. “Thought about giving you the whole thing but it’s probably better if I hang on to it. Give you one if your driving gets us to the theater in one piece.” So he’d maybe decided on this quip beforehand, coming as close as to write it on his hand to make sure he didn’t throw the stupid stickers at the man and fumble with his words. Sadly, that was all the material he had prepared. The rest of it was up to fate and attempting to keep his mouth in check before his brain had a chance to catch up. 

-

Chance didn’t start driving immediately, opting instead to keep the truck in park so that he could continue to face Zane while the man talked. He grinned when Zane broke out the dinosaur stickers, snickering to himself at the stipulation that Zane set for Chance to win the first sticker. “Wow I’m really being treated just like the kids in your emergency room.” Chance scoffed, feigning insult at first. He corrected himself quickly though, remembering that the last time Chance pretended to be offended Zane took it way too seriously. Chance would have to work on the sarcasm. “Luckily for you I thrive on reward systems. Plus, I’m a great driver for the record.” 

With that, Chance shifted his truck into drive and started towards the theater. Zane had read Chance easily. Chance wasn’t exactly the epitome of safety. Though he tended to keep his most reckless habits at a distance where others couldn’t get hurt in the crossfires. Just because Chance had a reset button didn’t mean that others were that lucky. For Zane’s sanity, Chance made sure to drive extra carefully across town. 

Chance hated small talk, but he hated silences even more. It felt too much like being alone, something else that Chance was particularly fond of anymore. “You helped any other idiots in peril recently at work or am I just special?”

—-

Even though he didn’t have much of an idea on how the younger man ticked, it seemed that Zane had gotten his humor down pretty accurately. Which was a huge relief because bribing someone with stickers was a silly and risky move. That had apparently done the trick. “Walks like a duck…” he trailed off, a grin to match Chance’s making its way onto his face. “Hey, I’ll be the judge of that, with my qualifications of never having driven a car in my life.” Hopefully Chance wouldn’t find that odd, the afterthought that a 25 year old without a driver’s license was definitely uncommon. No turning back now, though. 

There was silence for a moment, only the rumble of the car and the faint song on the radio to break it. Chance beat him by a second, which Zane was grateful for since he honestly had no clue which dumb ice breaker would have tripped out of his mouth if he’d been allowed to go first. Laughing at the question, he settled more comfortably into the car seat. The nervous tension was still there, bubbling under the surface, but joking around was definitely his preferred method for loosening it. Well, that or a run which was not an option at the moment. 

“Plenty of idiots. None of them have sort of blackmailed me into doing something fun with them afterwards, though. Guess that still makes you special.” Zane’s head had been turned for every sentence passed between them, always gauging for a reaction, trying to figure out if his words were the right ones. Not that Chance seemed to give much away in his facial expressions. His gaze did linger, though, a nice opportunity with the other’s head turned to the road (thankfully). Not that it was lingering on purpose, simply caught up in actually looking at the man since the last time his focus had been honed on the busted arm. 

He definitely looked nice, with a strong jawline accented every time they passed under a lamp post and the car’s interior was momentarily lit up. Still holding that gleam of being young while somehow looking a bit dragged down by the troubles of someone much older. He couldn’t be sure but Zane also thought he’d spotted the glint of jewelry in the other ear, now hidden from view as Chance drove. The automatic timer in his head, useful for warning him whenever he zoned out or stared for too long, went off and his attention was torn back to the passing street lights. “I’m liking your odds for that sticker.”

-

“Blackmail is such an ugly word. I like to think of it as a mutually beneficial alternative.” Chance laughed, “but I will take being called special.” As Chance continued driving, he could feel Zane’s gaze on him. He decided to ignore it, mostly because he couldn’t think of anything to say to make a joke out of it. God forbid Chance say anything that might evoke a genuine response from anybody. “So you’re telling me you don’t go on movie dates with every person that comes into your ER and gives you anxiety by association? I must be really special in that case. Just like my mom always told me.”

Zane promised Chance a sticker which elicited another smug grin from the boy, risking another glance in Zane’s direction as he pulled onto the road that led to drive in. “Can’t believe you had so little faith in me. I told you I was a good driver.” He bought his tickets and then navigated to an open spot among the cards. They were running close to start time, and a lot of the closer spots had already been taken, but unless Zane had exceptionally bad eyesight, they should be able to see the screen just fine.

Throwing the truck into park, Chance hopped out of the truck and began ruffling in the back seat, eventually pulling out a few blankets and pillows, “There are more pillows behind you. Grab some of those, yeah?” He circled around the back and popped open the latch, hopping into the bed of his truck and spreading out the first blanket and then dropped a few pillows. “Spread a few more out. The truck bed is uncomfy as hell so your back will thank the excessive amount of pillows I packed.” Eventually, the set up was done, with two layers of blankets and pillows across the truck bed and another group of pillows and blankets for the two to use at their leisure. “Ta da! Don’t lie, I know you’re hella impressed.” Chance was overly proud of himself, just barely refraining from literally patting himself on the back. “I think we need popcorn and soda. Thoughts?”

—

“Hey, I’m stubborn but I’m usually open to being proven wrong.” Zane had a funny feeling that he definitely hadn’t seen the extent of Chance’s driving skills but he didn’t have a problem with that. Besides, at least the younger man could drive. A fleeting thought, wondering who had taught the man to drive, whether it had been a fun experience or not, passed his mind. Teaching a foster kid to drive wasn’t high up on many people’s list, risking your precious car for some stray who wouldn’t stick around for long. 

To pull his thoughts back from the past, Zane pulled off one of the stickers like promised, feeling a bit silly as he stuck it to the other man’s hand where it wrapped around the steering wheel. He decided to go with it - silly and loose seemed to be the vibe of this evening and he could attempt to hold that mood for the rest of the night. Much better than awkward and overthinking. 

As soon as they were parked, another vibe made its presence known. Cozy. It was clearly a blessing that Chance had drive-in theater knowledge and as such, had come prepared. Helping out as much as he could, letting the expert control the mission, Zane joined him in stepping back to appreciate the effort. “Honestly? Very impressed. Definitely sticker worthy.” He really needed to stop with that joke before it got old. “I’ll keep my role on snack duty!” It would also make him feel less aware of the fact that Chance had paid for the tickets. 

Returning with a bucket of popcorn and a drink for each of them, Zane looked over the little nest they’d made in the back of the truck. Wondering if Chance had done with this someone else before. It seemed so natural for him, making whoever was with him feel welcome and effortless and Zane envied that ability greatly. All thoughts were pushed down once he reached the car, handing the drinks over to Chance so he could climb in. “So,” he started as he slid into a comfortable position, trying without much luck to sit without his shoulder pressing into Chance’s. Stupid, broad shoulders. “I will try my best not to be offended but please lie if you don’t like these.” Pulling up the bag he’d brought, Zane reached for the bag of Skittles, handing them over to Chance. 

-

While Zane went to get snacks, Chance climbed into his truck bed and picked his spot for the evening. It wasn’t too shabby, all things considered. He used to come here all the time with Ariadne and their parents, but since moving to town permanently he had only been here a few times. Luckily, the memories of how him and his cousin used to pack all their blankets and pillows to build this cozy palace reminded him to make sure to pack plenty this time too. If they were lucky, Chance wouldn’t even pass out halfway through the movie like he always did as a kid.

Chance was so busy studying the dinosaur sticker on the back of his hand that he didn’t even notice that Zane had come back until the drinks were being offered in his direction. Grabbing onto them, Chance scooted over to give Zane as much room as possible, handing the drink back off to him once he was settled in. “For the record, I was promised a second sticker.” Chance declared, flashing his hand sticker off to Zane as a reminder.

“I’ll be honest dude, I’m kind of a shitty liar.” Chance laughed. He didn’t have much time for lying anymore. Carpe diem and all that bullshit. “Luckily for you, I love skittles. So no lying needed.” Chance poured a couple of skittles into his hand before reaching over to grab some popcorn and mixing the two together, popping them all in his mouth. “Don’t doubt the salty sweet combination.” Chance could barely remember now if old him would have combined the two. He used to be such a food snob, back when he was actually serious about becoming some fancy ass executive chef. Now, Chance just enjoyed eating all the trashy junk food he used to deny himself.

With some spare time left before the movie, Chance leaned back against his truck, raising his arms and resting them behind his head to support himself and get a good look at Zane. “So I know you’re a nurse, you don’t have a car, you keep an absurd amount of dinosaur stickers and that you disapprove of my actions. What else should I know about you?”

—

“Don’t worry, I’m keeping track of the sticker situation,” he chuckled, enjoying the warm feeling in his chest at the experience of having an inside joke with someone again. It had been a while and the fact that this particular joke was silly and childish only made the situation better. Zane watched the colorful combination of sweets and popcorn vanish into Chance’s mouth, smiling as the man defended the mix without a single word from the vampire. “Hey, weirder things have been combined. Probably by me,” he admitted, raising his hands in mock defeat before grabbing some of the sweets for himself. 

He’d been busy uncovering the rest of the snacks he’d brought - Reese’s pieces, sour gummies, some hard candies and a bag of caramels - when Chance spoke again. “Well…” Candy laid out on the blankets in front of them, Zane leaned back as well to meet the other’s curious gaze. “I’ve… never traveled out of the US, I like running, originally from Nevada - they have a terrible foster system, by the way. And…” I have no idea if this is a date or not. “My first and only stage debut was as ‘man on sidewalk’ in a high school production of Annie.”

Had the foster care jab been too out there? A lot of the people he worked with came from situations even rougher than his and joking about it was a good way to cope. Zane wouldn’t go into details about the how and why because that conversation wasn’t really breezy and silly. Hopefully Chance would take it as the casual comment that it was. “So - frequent flyer in the ER, excellent driver, easily bribed and very humble… feels like a pretty solid list.”

—

The increased spread of candies kept Chance happy, eagerly combining different combinations of them with his popcorn while listening to Zane give some fun - if not completely random - facts about himself. “Nevada has a terrible everything, to be fair.” Chance laughed, though made a special note of his mention of foster care. The mood was light, probably not the best place to question Zane whether he ended up in foster care because of dead parents, absent parents or some mix in between. Chance liked to keep things lighthearted, and those definitely didn’t fit the bill. “Can’t believe you got robbed of playing Annie. I think you’d look great in a curly, red wig personally.”

Chance actually laughed out loud at Zane’s description of him. When things boiled down to it, the man had nailed all the important details pretty well. Surface level, Chance liked to keep things simple. “You’ve got such a solid grasp on me already, where do I even begin?” Chance ran his thumb and index finger along his chin inquisitively, overdramatizing his thinking face. “I grew up in Massachusetts. Got adopted by my parents when I was seven and started coming here to visit my new aunt and uncle. Got super close with my cousin so when I graduated high school I applied for college here so we could live together.” That paradise only lasted a year or two before it seemed to go to shit on both of their sides, but Chance wasn’t about to get into that. Zane hadn’t even had the chance to meet, befriend and eventually - prefer Ariadne yet.

Shifting slightly so that he was facing Zane, Chance continued, “I used to want to be some fancy chef at like five star restaurants. I love skateboarding, though I’m actually not great at it. And I’ve spent more time in the hospital in the last year than I have in my entire life combined.”  

—

Zane had been right to presume that one off beat fact wouldn’t sour the mood - as far as he could tell, Chance seemed to make it his mission to not let anything sour it. It was fine by the vampire, for now, but did make him curious if Chance really just didn’t think on things too deeply or if he too made jokes for a less… wholesome reason. Thoughts for another time, Zane decided, lips quirking up at the jab about Nevada. “Yeah, Wicked’s Rest is clearly superior in every way.” 

The facts started rolling in, cementing Zane’s suspicion (and hope) that Chance wasn’t as one dimensional as he presented to the world. Hiding, sure, but Zane of all people wouldn’t blame him for that. He’d been adopted. He had ambitions. And the last year had, for some reason, been a real shit show for him. Zane could definitely relate to some rapid changes making life more complicated than it had ever been. “What changed?” he asked softly, head turned to the side to meet Chance’s gaze, eyes searching the other’s as if the answer would lie hidden there. “About being a chef, I mean. You definitely have the spunk and adventurous taste buds to be a fancy chef. Also sorry I used the word spunk.” A faint smile, hopeful in a way, wondering if Chance would give an honest reply or joke it off. He had the chance for both and Zane would accept either but…

Yeah, chill and loose was definitely nice but Zane couldn’t help the incessant need to dig for information. Not pressuring just… giving people a chance to talk when they seemed to need it. It might have been his overactive imagination but there was something hinting at a darkness underneath Chance’s surface. The frequent hospital trips were enough to set off alarm bells but other than that, no one could be that confident all the time without faking it a little bit… right? For the first time this evening, he didn’t hang onto the fact that he was staring, too busy trying to get a read on the other to worry about ‘being caught staring’ or whatever else reason usually divert his gaze. 

—

“Woah woah. Let’s not get crazy, I’m not here to gas up Maine either. The Steven King horror hype can really only get you so far.” It didn’t occur to Chance until after making the joke that foster care aside, Zane might have good memories of Nevada. He wasn’t sure how exactly, but that was hardly the point. The point was that Chance had a habit of inserting his foot in his own mouth. Usually, Chance moved too quickly to put much thought into it. He could usually win people back over, or the two would never see each other again. For whatever reason, Chance didn’t want to hang out with Zane tonight just because he needed something to do or someone to keep him from getting lonely. Chance wanted to see Zane again.

Zane asked the exact question that Chance didn’t know how to answer. For the first time since the two settled in bed of the truck, Chance averted his gaze and stopped looking at Zane, instead opting to watch the screen as trailers finally started to play. It wasn’t like Chance could explain the zombie bite. Luckily, Zane seemed to narrow in and focus on the chef comment instead. Not that it really changed Chance’s answer. “Me, I guess?” Chance laughed, a hint of nerves escaping that Chance failed to keep tucked under the surface. He hated that feeling of vulnerability, no matter how small. “Not really sure what to say except that I was a lot different a year and a half ago. I wanted all that fancy shit and stability and the high life. Now I just want to have fun. Five star restaurants are not fun.” 

When Chance finally looked back to Zane, he found the two staring directly at each other. He took the opportunity to let the confidence take back over, a knowing smirk stretching across his face, “I know it’s hard to take your eyes off me, but you’re supposed to be watching the movie.” Chance tossed a piece of popcorn at Zane, but didn’t shift back to face the screen. He shifted more so that he could face Zane more, pulling his legs up to not take up too much of his friend’s space. “Why the ER? You always want to go into the medical field?”

-

For a moment, Zane wondered if he’d overstepped and regretted it instantly. They could have stuck to casual ‘get to know each other’ chat and stupid jokes, but of course he’d had to start digging. Chance was looking away, probably wondering why he was being interrogated on what was supposed to be a chill night out, watching movies. When he finally answered, the speed at which relief flooded Zane almost gave him whiplash. He kept quiet, kept his instincts, begging him to reach out a comforting hand at the slightly pained laugh, in check. Wondered what fun meant and why. Deeply hoped that Chance wasn’t trying to fit experiences into his life because he didn’t have too much time left. “I wouldn’t know, I’ve never been to one. If you ever go back to the chef thing, I’ll have to change that, though.” 

He wanted to keep digging so bad. Ask about this ‘before’ Chance in question and what had happened to derail his life. Before he could come to a decision about whether or not to pry further, eyes twinkling with humor had turned back to him. Zane almost choked at the comment and that smirk really wasn’t helping. The assaulting popcorn hit the side of his head, Zane having done as suggested and turned his head back to the screen. He wanted to have a quip at the ready to fire back but all he could think was ‘you are, shut up,’ so he settled for a counter attack with some skittles instead. 

It seemed that even though they were supposed to be watching the movie, apparently, Chance didn’t seem very prone on listening to his own advice. Zane’s head dropped back onto his shoulder, turned to risk looking at his companion again. “Honestly? I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life until I was like… twenty. Side effect from being told the world is ending the first fifteen years of your life, I guess.” A pause. “Long story. Anyway, fell in with a group of people providing some very basic health care all over and it just… clicked, I guess.” His eyes turned back to the screen for a moment, seeing the opening credits start to roll and not really caring. “What have you been doing to try and make your life more fun, then?”

-

“Now shitty diners and a few half assed cooking classes are the only ones getting actual meals from me. I’m sticking with the program, but adjusting my end goal.” Chance still loved cooking, though he didn’t do it as often anymore. He used to spend entire days prepping meals and slowly cooking them, making sure everything was cooked to perfection. He never had the patience to cook anything that involved anymore. But he still loved cooking for others, so when the opportunity presented itself in the form of Zane definitely not even asking, Chance hopped on it. “Don’t waste your money on ‘em. I’ll cook a five star meal for you, free of charge.”

Chance could hear the sounds of the movie, but it felt like background noise. Off in the distance and mostly inconsequential. He was far more interested in the conversation with Zane. “I guess we’ll put a pin in the whole ‘world is ending saga’” Chance relented, raising his eyebrow at Zane, but not pushing any further. Zane had extended that kindness to Chance a few moments ago, returning the favor was the least Chance could do. “How noble of you. Dedicating your life to fixing idiots that dive off cliffs.” He mostly wanted to joke around, but figured that he could afford to be serious just this once, “But seriously, that’s pretty cool. Very selfless. And you’re good at it, which is a plus. You think you want to do it forever?” Chance liked to refer to his own actions as self-care, but when it really boiled down to it he knew he had spent the last year and a half being selfish. It was probably why his own cousin had distanced herself from him. Eventually, he assumed that Zane would figure it out and do the same thing. Which meant that Chance had to enjoy the moments while they lasted.

“Whatever is offered to me?” Chance said it more as a question, but really only because he couldn’t easily narrow down the things he had started doing. “Going to parties, trying new things. Cliff diving, obviously. All the things that I would never have done a few years ago.” Chance was acutely aware that his explanations only made it increasingly more obvious that something had gone down in Chance’s life that made things change. But even if Chance did want to explain it to someone, who would believe that Chance was destined to be reborn after death because some girl bit him by accident? “I just like experiencing new things now.”

—

Zane wasn’t completely confident in whether or not the offer for a home cooked meal was just another of Chance’s “say it because why not” things or a genuine offer. The thought that he hadn’t messed this whole meeting up enough to make a second hang out impossible was nice. Even though Chance would be wasting his cooking skills on a vampire, Zane would do his best impression of someone tasting food like a normal human, if the opportunity really did present itself. “Thanks,” he replied sheepishly to the offer that he did hope was an actual offer. 

Of course Chance was interested in knowing more about the countless almost-apocalypses. Who wouldn’t be. Opening up that can of worms would inevitably lead to why he was no longer staying there and that would lead back to foster care and a depressing conversation that Zane didn’t want to go into now. “Yeah, I do an alright job, I guess,” he deflected, busying himself with opening a fresh bag of candy to avoid the compliment. “Surprisingly good with people in the hospital which is probably where I use up all my normal social skills that other people can whip out in regular scenarios.” Zane thought about the question, if he wanted to do this forever. It made him wonder just how long he could actually stay here, work at the same hospital, before the fact that he didn’t age would catch on. “I mean, probably? I’d like to expand on what I know at some point. Maybe work someplace else. Somewhere more out there, maybe. Like a doctors without borders thing but for nurses?”

It had been a while since he’d thought so hard about his future, thoughts and plans Zane hadn’t even been aware of making spilling out. Chance seemed to be opening up, too, the uncertainty in his voice cementing the fact that he’d probably never been asked that exact question before. “That’s good. Experiencing new things, I mean. Never too early to try and change your life.” Not as big of a change as literally stepping into the undead life but a much more positive change, still. “You ever need a plus one to any new things, I could definitely do with some of those. Either to join you or be on the sidelines with a first aid kit.”

-

It wasn’t surprising to learn that Zane didn’t consider himself a social person. Chance had clocked that almost immediately, though Zane had managed to hold his own in a conversation when the two were in a hospital room. “I think you’re doing just fine right now,” Chance interjected, considering the comment for a pause before adding in, “but maybe that’s just because we met in a hospital. In which case, have you considered just holding some sort of socials or speed dating there?” An ER wasn’t exactly peak romance, but at least it would be an unforgettable blind date experience. “That mean you don’t do a lot of dating?” Might as well finally get that out on the table. “Oh shit, that’d be awesome. I’d take any excuse to take a trip outside the US, honestly. I haven’t done a ton of traveling.”

 Despite his best efforts, it seemed their conversation had taken a turn for the sincere. It all seemed to happen against Chance’s better judgment - who generally avoided any sort of deep, meaningful conversation especially when he was first getting to know someone. And since Chance’s friendships seemed to stay pretty surface level, he never really risked those deep conversations in the first place. “That’s a very different opinion from the nurse that berated me for cliff diving.” Chance teased, but moving on quickly to avoid another guilt ridden scene like in the hospital, “But hell yeah. You’re invited anytime. Always down to try new things.”

—

The idea of in-hospital speed dating had Zane laughing. A part of him had once believed in the hospital romance portrayed in… well, every show set inside a hospital, ever. It hadn’t taken long to realize just how much you weren’t thinking about romance when you were surrounded by infections, pain and people almost dying. Still thinking about just how hilarious Chance’s joke really would be if it were a reality, the question that followed caught him off guard. “Oh, uhm…” His eyes turned back to the screen, giving himself a moment of watching a scene that should have been funny but he currently had no context for. “Honestly, not really.” He found it easier to keep his eyes on the screen as he continued. “Tried for a date of an app a while ago and he wasn’t… well, it didn’t work out. Been out of the game since then. Which is fine, work keeps me busy so…”

Thankfully, Zane had gotten a better read on Chance’s teasing since their first meeting, knowing now that the other man really couldn’t have cared less about what some nurse thought about his safety. So he shrugged, a playful smile sliding onto his face. “What can I say, maybe you’re a bad influence.” It sounded way too close to a come on in the teasing tone, mirrored from Chance but not quite as natural coming from the vampire. Instead of scrambling to explain that he hadn’t been hitting on Chance while also making sure that it wasn’t because the man wasn’t someone he would be willing to hit on, Zane stuffed his mouth with some skittles. 

—-

“Yikes. Sorry to hear that” Though Chance did hate hearing that Zane hadn’t had much luck romantically, he couldn’t completely ignore that there was a tiny twinge of excitement at the realization. Not that Chance himself had really been looking for anything serious either. Even since his new found freedom, Chance had never been looking for anything romantic. Probably because it had bitten him so hard in the ass the last time. Or shoulder, rather. “Yeah I’ve really only ever had one serious relationship. And it was such a spectacular shit show I haven’t tried anything since.”

That bit of what Chance could only explain as flirting was so unexpected coming from Zane that Chance couldn’t stop himself from letting out a single, loud as hell laugh. Admittedly, Chance was impressed by the guy. Chance could come off a bit strong and had purposefully instructed himself to reel it in tonight knowing that he wasn’t going to hang out with the usual club types he typically ended up partying with. But Zane kept on surprising him. “I can only say that I’m thrilled and honored to drag you to the dark side with me” He leaned over, purposefully digging into the skittles that Zane was holding instead of a box of his own, so that he could steal a few from the man personally. “I think we can compromise. The two of us can find ways to have some fun without getting into too much trouble.”

-

When Chance opened up as well, Zane finally found the courage to actually look back at him. This was most likely the realest thing the younger man had said all night and he wanted to respect that trust provided to him out of the blue. Craning his neck to the side had started to feel weird so he finally dared to shift despite there not being too much space, settling cross legged so his knees bumped into the other’s. “Can’t say I’ve ever had an actual breakup but I can imagine that it really, really sucks.” Again, words of comfort demanded of him to pair them with a gentle hand on Chance’s person but Zane resisted. 

Here, in the dusk of the evening only lit up by the movie screen far away from them, Zane found that his jokingly flirtatious words slipping out weren’t the worst possible thing to have happened. It was easy when the person in front of you took everything in stride and matched every stupid word with a quip of his own, usually funnier and stepping even closer to the invisible line drawn over every conversation between two people. He didn’t know which way Chance swung, if Zane was even his type, but no matter the reason for stealing candies and suggestive comments, the vampire found that he definitely didn’t hate it. “Like going to the movies and totally missing all of it?” 

-

Chance fixed his own posture now as Zane readjusted himself. The two now basically sat across from each other, Zane with his logs crossed and Chance with one leg tucked under the other that stretched off to the side. It wasn’t the closest Chance had been to someone since his last relationship ended, but it damn sure felt the most intimate. Instead of dwelling on it, Chance simply grinned at Zane before stuffing a handful of popcorn into his mouth and offering the bucket to his buddy. “Eh. I’ve moved on.” That was more or less true. He had definitely moved on from the relationship itself. Its aftermath was a bit more questionable. As with most serious topics, Chance didn’t like dwelling on that either. 

“I have no clue what you’re talking about. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed every moment of Jumanji” Chance joked, fully aware that the movie they were seeing was definitely not Jumanji. In reality, Chance wasn’t sure he had really seen much of the film at all. He probably couldn’t describe a single scene. He had been more focused on the conversation. “You can just be honest and tell me if you hate movie talkers. Though I’ll confess, and this may shock you” Chance paused to add on the sarcastic quip, “But I’ve been told I don’t know when to shut up.”

—-

Zane laughed, faintly trying to remember how long it had been since one person had made him laugh this often in the span of one evening. It helped that being awkward didn’t have any affect on Chance, who simply met awkwardness with a joke - never really in a mean way, though, which was appreciated. His smile felt glued on, paused only for a mock expression of surprise. “No way!” He pushed at the other’s shoulder playfully. “It’s fine. I’m not good at shutting up either.”

True to their characters, neither boy was quiet throughout most of the film. With most of the plot missed, they’d ended up attempting to figure out the plot points themselves, each idea getting more ridiculous than the rest. When Chance had eventually gone quiet, Zane hadn’t commented. Hadn’t commented on the head that had drooped onto his shoulder either, followed by the sound of quiet snoring. And if Zane pulled the blanket higher over Chance and let him rest for a little longer after the movie finished, neither of them commented on it on the drive back. 

#justtakingchances #salty and sweet #chance.002 #writing #p:chance

[by-glass-and-waves]

oh dude dude what do you MEAN "sorry guys who are looking for delicious Courtship/Restart goodies" I LOVE DEPRESSION QUEST, and i love the fact that theres someone else out there that has a runaway narinder AU

the idea of a completely power hungry lamb who disregards narinder as a person is so uncommon, i dont think ive actually seen that dynamic played out in a story/hc tbh ??? so i am LIVING for this, it truly is the spice of life

n like letting him runaway n waits for him to come crawling back??? absolutely maliciously delicious content

but nARINDER OH NARINDER angry, break down, self imploding beloved!!! again there isnt enough completely broken down ISOLATED(emotionally) conceded narinders, so many au's have him conceded, but they always including the lamb trying to get him comfortable and okay, never narinder just being tolerated and treated like property or a trophy and i love that fucked up dynamic

i'd really love to know more abt baal and ayms place in the cult too, are they like mini trophies ? or are they just "eh another follower"

either way the idea of narinder self imploding to the point of complete isolation (running away) is such a good idea, im living for it !!! and the idea of a ratoo & narinder friendship from this has consumed my brain greatly, i love that idea i actually had a brain wave pic pop up in my brain, so i'll draw fanart of this AU later bc i adore it

WHOA I was at work and I was like "I got an aaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" oh man I'm glad you really like the idea! I think I did see some fics like this (well not Narinder dips fics)

I will let you know that these qs making me go "wait hm this would fit into the AU better than my original ideas" so please bear with me!! at any rate omg aw thank you for loving these idees maybe I should just masterpost and mark spoilers for whatever comes to mind here also this is gonna be a long answer post pardon me

so spoilers for Depression Quest and Courtship I guess?

also trigger warning: depression, thoughts of self harm, mentions of mental breakdown

So this is me not reading cotl shit in like, literally months in order to try to preserve my headcanonideas like a loser but damn whoaaa I'm happy that you really like this AU

The initial idea actually did have just plain old Lamb being all okay bb i'll be here waiting for you when you ready I won't push you, I'll let you run away and live your life bb just want you to be happy uwu like they did want Narinder to love them back but they were fine with just making him happy and brought back the Bishops and stuff so they could reconcile but as said before, things didn't seem the same for them

Then as Courtship took form I kind of moved those kinds of feelings Lamb had to the new AU and really honestly removed them from the equation because I wanted to focus on Narinder and Getting Over It™ and just living his own fucking life instead

What did remain was Narinder's complete and absolute breakdown when he locks himself into the house they built for him and his eventual escape. Like goddamn, I was like this man needs to break

The amount of broken furniture, crying and screaming onto the floor and bed, throwing items at whoever manages to get into the house, laying down and staring at the ceiling in a catatonic state, etc

I liked the idea of him meeting other people and them remarking on his fallen status or having to hide his identity when interacting or going to public places and it's pretty much how I came up with the Ratoo encounter/friendship

Imagine Kudaai laughing when he requests a scythe and giving him the smallest, lightest one for his weak upper extremities

addendum: like after escaping he does get better like he runs into kudaai and gets scythe at least but he still sucks since his hands/arms more likely to spaz more when he exerts himself too much (aka combat)

Imagine Narinder trying to stay inconspicuous when he goes to Plimbo's stall at the Lighthouse, etc

Once the idea of resurrecting the Bishops came up around the time I started writing Courtship I kind of went, tbh Lamb would only do that to get Narinder back and then that idea of the Lamb just stuck

The Lamb knew where he was the entire time. The Lamb let him think he was finally free from them. The Lamb decided to uproot his life when he thought he finally found peace (by reintroducing his siblings) and from there the Lamb became the kind of famous hero/whatever who would 100% use Narinder as a trophy SO and show them off while he feels awful and drinks every night to cope

i'd really love to know more abt baal and ayms place in the cult too, are they like mini trophies ? or are they just "eh another follower"

So initial idea was that Baal and Aym weren't crazy about it but came around after Lamb invited Forneus for a visit, then they would be like yes Master should see how good Lamb is

Now thinking it over, it could have a good twist to it:

Baal and Aym think that Narinder should come around because Lamb is a good person and his life would improve

In this, his guardians become his jailers. They've become the ones most actively working for his "rehabilitation", and Narinder hates it because he knows it's another way for the Lamb to break him. He's thinking that it's their mortality that made them cave so easily.

Once Narinder makes it out, they want to make their presence known once they find him, but Lamb explicitly commands them not to until they say it's time. So they go and check on him and obvs this is stwess for Narinder since he feels like he's being watched

Still though, Depression Quest is more Narinder-based than Narinder/Lamb relationship-based because it's him trying to live in a new Lamb-ruled world while trying not to show off his shitty power level or something, Lamb didn't really pull up much once he gets out except for really sending Baal and Aym to keep tabs on him and maybe probably when the Bishops are resurrected but even then it's just like... there's still this kind of sad underlying everything.

So fun fact: a few of Courtship's ideas originated in Depression Quest! Such as the shared love for gardening/camellias by Leshy and Narinder, and the relationship/dynamic between Kallamar and Narinder. I don't know why but their relationship felt fucking devastating once I came up with it hence why I think Chapter 9/Kallamar's quest in Courtship has been my favorite to read and write so far.

Courtship and Depression Quest do share quite a few things, so I'm worried I might echo too much of the same shit should I actually come to write it. While writing out this answer I posted an unedited bit on a prototype for Leshy quest and you may see some parallels to the one for Courtship :o

the idea of a ratoo & narinder friendship from this has consumed my brain greatly, i love that idea i actually had a brain wave pic pop up in my brain, so i'll draw fanart of this AU later bc i adore it

pls show me when you done I want it I'm so glad you like it and yes Ratoo and Narinder friendship is one and only

I think there was more but it's like 2am and I have to wake up in like 3 hours and I think I should just do a fucking masterpost on these AUs

#cult of the lamb #cotl #fanfic notes #cotl courtship #cotl depression quest #tw depression #cw depression #tw self destructive behavior #cw self destruction #i spent too long writing this answer #i want to write #i want to doodle #i want to ideas... #i need to sleep

[euijin]

some of y'all know and some of u don't but being chronically ill is one of my Things. i won't get into the whole tragic backstory or anything if y'all want to know more u can dm me idm talking about it at all but asdafsdgdg i had my appointment with my specialist doctor that i've been seeing every 3-6 months for the past eight years since i was diagnosed with my illness today and. she told me i was doing well on my own and that she wasn't doing anything to help me anymore and that she thought it was time she cuts me loose, essentially meaning...i am Better Enough to not have to see her regularly anymore. she said ofc i can make an appointment with her any time if i have problems but the regular checkins aren't necessary, i have Graduated sick person school 🥳

i didn't think i was going to get into it too much but i feel like some context is important so content warning for suicidal thoughts/depression/general shitty health i guess

i managed to not cry like a baby over this until now when i'm finally home and sitting down with some time to myself and it's honestly so surreal. i have had health problems my entire life and i remember when i was like. 13 years old. being too sick to go to school anymore and being in so much physical and emotional pain that i would Pray that i would die every day. i genuinely feel so sad for baby carly she suffered so much, and the thing about having health problems that essentially steal your life from you is that you become physically incapable of planning for the future because you don't know if you're going to be too sick to do this or that or if it'll even be possible for you, so i never really thought about what i wanted to do with my life, i just didn't think about the future At All. i tried to come to terms with the fact hat i would probably be sick my entire life and tbh yeah i will be, my illness is highly treatable but never Really goes away in its entirety, it will flare up in the future too. but somehow i never really considered the fact that one day...i would be healthy enough to not need to go to the doctor every three months anymore? i used to go to the doctor Every Week.

and i'm looking at my life now and like...i'm back in school...sure i only take two classes a semester and it's taking me five years to get a degree that was supposed to take me two years, but...i'm in school?? i have a 4.0 even after finishing my required math and science courses? and i don't have an Actual Full Time Job but i DO have a source of income and i am getting paid to write which is my favorite thing to do in the world. like yeah i'm 26 i have never even been on a date in my life but like...i'm still here??? and i've grown so much? it's only march and i've already done more this year than past carly ever dreamed i could?? the entire past month i've just been floored by the fact that i never could've done any of this in the past, and apparently my doctor sees it too and now i am just. Better Enough. to live my life how i want to now. and that's so crazy overwhelming and kind of scary but also exciting. to finally look at things and think...yeah i think i can do that. instead of "what if i'm not healthy enough." to be able to look at the world as a bunch of things i can do now instead of things i can't...like maybe i will actually learn to drive and get out of this dumb midwestern town and become a journalist and maybe it is possible for me to have goals and dreams that i can actually achieve. it's so hard to wrap my head around because i never really allowed myself that possibility before

this is a lot of rambling just to say ???? i don't even know dude ASDFSDGG i just feel so happy and proud of myself...and i feel so happy for my past self too, there have been lots of times in my life that i feel like past me would be so disappointed that i haven't done more with my life but today i wish i could tell 13 year old carly that we made it. and that we will be okay and that i can promise that for a fact. and i feel so proud of the me that felt like she couldn't do Anything for just surviving those days because even those days helped me get to today and to become the me that is well enough to not have to go to the doctor more than once a year anymore. and it's not like Everything Is Better And Perfect And Great, there will still be shit days and there's still a lot to work on and a lot more growing to do but wow. things are so much less shit now than they were 10 years ago, or even five years ago, and being able to Feel that so strongly after so long is just so rewarding. i honestly can't even put it into words, i could type about 5000 more and i'm pretty sure it still wouldn't be enough.

tl;dr wow turns out the "things get better" bullshit isn't bullshit after all. it just turns out that sometimes even the shit is part of the "getting better." i hope that if you're going through a hard time now that by next year, or in the next five years, or ten years, you'll be able to look back on this difficult time and be proud of yourself for surviving it, and that you'll also be happy for your past self, and be in a position to tell the you of today that you made it and will be okay. bc if it can happen to me!! it can happen to anyone trust me okay.

#carly.txt #long post #shit sure is long now that i'm looking at it on dash good gawd #i think i could've kept talking btu That Is More Than Enough #i ran out of tissues so i am wiping my snot with napkins now. disgusteng #crybaby (me) #i am starting to feel my age and i mean that in the best way possible #went from being mentally 16 to mentally 21 today alone i think #still have five years to go but u know. u take it one day at a time #thank u to anyone that read all of this i appreciate you #and i hope you all know i am desperately rooting for you even when i'm not around

[hydrasquadd]

Hey I just want to go off about crazy fictive shenanigans for a minute

Paragraph below ⇓

I kinda want to journal my thoughts a little bit here

If you've been following me, you know we just got a new fictive (the first in years). Danny.

And first of all, can I say how different it is to split a fictive then it is to split a regular alter, damn dude. Guy took us all for a loop. We definitely forgot how to deal with it and react appropriately (it's more important than you'd think). And the saddest part is, I'm not even surprised we split again because of all the shit happening in America right now. And also can someone tell me why fictives are way more likely to become hosts. Why. (Actually I might know why) But still- HELLO??? Might just be my system and trauma symptoms like 'b8' (I don't know what the hell it's actually called it has a real name I swear)

That's all beside the point (mostly)

So I'm just gonna say, from the first time we saw DP fanarts I just knew, that guy's gonna become an alter. But the thing is I couldn't for the life of me find the actual show for forever. Until now, bought a whole month of paramount plus for this.

(The immediate way we can tell a new fictive has formed is if the b8 goes off. Essentially, every time a (fictive) character gets hurt (in source or fanarts or something), we literally feel it. It's a whole science thing about childhood trauma and how being in stress as a child made stress/pain later in life feel good. (We've named it b8, it's a very long story.) It's wack as fuck and made this system absolutely unhinged. (See HSS). So when that kid got slammed into a wall for the 6th time in a row and I felt it, we knew it was about to get good. The second way is when everything is unfamiliar and I have no idea where I am. But that's more depressing than I'd like so we'll just go with b8.)

So now, suddenly Danny. He's here (and may or may not be queer). And since our dumbasses didn't have a new fictive in years, we just went off on him (excited). And it went to shit fast.

During this time, we also started looking at fanfic. (Ok first of all, I sorta know the answer to this question but I also don't. What is the deal with batman. Why, when I'm looking for DP fanfics on AO3, I have to filter out BATMAN!??? Ok sorry rant over) So while the fanfics did NOT help the situation, it did something to the homesickness. So that was sorta a positive. But what came out of it, is the most chaotic shit I've ever seen.

So APPARENTLY, when a kid is suddenly dropped into a whole new body and world, it's kinda stressful. And a bunch of chaotic guys are suddenly surrounding you and (for lack of a better term,) harassing you, that doesn't help. So poor kid went into a state of shock. It was homesickness, it was where the fuck am I, it was what is going on, it was everything. At once. It also didn't help that he was still kinda forming. It got to the point where if any of us even said his name, it would be a wave of negative emotion. (See post about entire system breaking down)

Remember when I said Danny was still forming at this point, well, he took after a fic.

Chained (you should read it if you're into DP)

Short version: it's very angsty, and Danny sorta turns evil at the end.

So guess fucking what.

He sucked that evil right up

And now, we have two. Two Dannys. But they're in the same body (Headspace). It's the closest we've gotten to a subsystem. And the best part, after going on an evil rampage through Nogard (headspace world), that's what got him out of his shell. So now it's Danny AND Phantom.

The origins of this fucking gem

All of that negative emotion from before just- boom. Gone. And honestly.

I think that's just the utter insanity that this system is known for.

So now he's a host. He fronts a lot now, which is good. (I think) Which is also funny because his energy is very similar to the other hosts.

But also it's nice because he's bonding with our mom a lot. I think it's sweet. And it's good because said mom is NOT used to us talking to them that much.

So to wrap this up, we're doing good now. Somehow we've got ourselves a cringe little good/evil child running around. I don't think I could have ever predicted that, but honestly, I wouldn't wish for anything different.

(One last thing! He wants me to say thanks again to Kasa for helping in the 'what the fuck is happening' phase. It was so... /Pos)

Go follow Danny

@lonelycouncilphantom

#did system #alters #fictive stuff #journal #the gang #plural community

[transfemstarscream]

I've actually been thinking about this for a while in the context of games. this might be a long ask, I'm sorry.

so recently there was this game released, it's called Forspoken, the MC is a homeless WoC from New York who is chased by the law and the local gangs with the only thing she has to her being her cat, which gets taken away from her at the beginning of the story. She gets isekaid into a fantasy land and is understandably bewildered by this, but most people take issue with her being constantly angry, selfish, not trusting, and swearing a lot. Yea I wonder given her backstory why she's like that.

Now I won't deny that the story of this game is overall mid. The game is overpriced and performs poorly on PC. But do I hear any of those things when I see most people criticize the game? No! They just talk about how much they hate the MC. But!

Another game that released recently is Hi Fi Rush. The main character is brash, rude, overconfident, selfish, and flirts with other characters in a very cringe manner. The game even has a trailer with a similar marvel-like dialogue forspoken's teaser had. But people praise this character! They argue it's bc the game is more cartoony and plays on their nostalgia but I watched a gameplay and I absolutely hated the MC. I'm betting the reason is rather, even if subconsciously, because he's a white dude.

He even has a female sidekick who's a (blonde and blue eyed...😟) WoC. She's smart, inventive, and objectively a better character. But if she was the MC I bet people would have found a way to hate her as well. There's simply no way to win. At this point I just feel like people don't want to see women in leading roles. Because let's be real, while Forspoken's story isn't a masterpiece it is also leagues above most popular JRPGs (Xenoblade I'm looking at you). But those games mostly have men in their leading roles don't they now. When I look up popular female characters in games, most of them are silent protags, them being a woman is a (gasp) reveal! or they are simply side characters. if she is named as a loved mc it's likely that her role in it was controversial. This honestly depresses me. These people have no issue with women's writing when they're little above fanservice or even just there to titillate them. They literally just hate women speaking out or being their own characters.

Sorry for the long rant been feeling someway about this kind of fandom misogyny for a long while <3

don’t ever feel bad for sending long asks! i love reading your thoughts.

i’ve only watched brief clips of forspoken along with learning the basis of the plot so i can’t speak my mind on how the game plays out. the protagonist did catch my eye, though; she seems unique, and a cool candidate for what is essentially a isekai protagonist. i knew the basis of the game’s plot, and although i wasn’t immersed, i was curious.

frey—the protagonist—is interesting, in my eyes. i don’t think the chosen bits of dialogue shown off in trailers and teasers do her justice; she’s not always throwing “well, THAT just happened” one-liners. she gets angry, justifiably so, because being transported to a whole other world when you just want to reunite with the one most dear to you is going to be frustrating. it’s going to be infuriating having things thrown at you and you just have to accept it.

now, i think criticism towards the game is justified. overpriced, like you said—and performs poorly for its price. the game doesn’t stick out amongst its genre. but frey is probably one of its redeeming factors? i’d say she absolutely is. it’s reasonable for her to be not the most accepting of her situation—she just wants her cat back! it’s a simple motivation, but a meaningful one because of her situation before all of this happened. a lot of hate targeted towards her doesn’t feel complete in what it dislikes. they just dislike her because… uh. uhm. the game is cringe and she’s an asshole. 1/10

i don’t know a lot about hi-fi rush so i can’t go too deep; all i know is i saw a trailer for it and didn’t care for it nor the aesthetic it’s going for. but the male protagonist is reminiscent of every cocky, flirty in a slightly obnoxious way male character i’ve seen a hundred times so i am surprised to see a lot of praise for him? maybe he’s not so bad but… what’s unique about him. everything i see him praised for, i see frey derailed for. if the argument is that the game is cartoony and nostalgic so it works in his case, then that’s hilarious.

i pity female characters because there’s just absolutely no way reception can be normal about them. female protagonists are treated as inherently controversial, or “special”: they can never be truly relatable, or just be. a female character will be subjected to sexualization regardless of any factor (and i mean any factor, because creeps are dedicated to showing pride in being creeps). i don’t doubt the female sidekick in hi-fi rush is already popular amongst an annoying subculture of people who cannot engage with female characters without pornographic lenses.

like female characters cannot ever be. blame is placed onto their writing even when it’s absolutely not the case. people will find any reason to hate them; if she’s nice she’s boring, if she’s mean she’s annoying. audience is dedicated to enforcing the belief that a woman’s worth is tied to her relationships with men—because that’s where a lot of “criticism” of female characters stem from. they can never just be.

#long post

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hello! Hope you're doing well and getting a lot of rest, because people around me have been dropping dead from exhaustion and I have decided to remind everyone I can that resting and taking a break is important (which probably makes me a hypocrite but who cares).

The angst is through the roof and it's killing me, I mean the last IALS chapter hurt me in so many ways. And what hurts me the most is the way David feels about Max. Especially when Max started talking about his safe place, and the fact that every time he feels hurt or less than or sad he goes to the place where he knows he's the best, it's just painful. For two reasons. First of all, I don't know if David got it but Max just opened up about how he feels about the whole Jaden situation like he feels that Jaden tries to take his life away and has replaced him but most importantly he's better at it than Max ever was, a better partner to David, calm and collected and walks away from a fight and everything, and a better parent, he isn't late to events and he gets AJ flowers and all that. I hope David got to see how this relationship affects Max and how deeply it's hurting him, that's it's not Max just being rude and snappy and an asshole, but he is in so much pain and he can't deal with it so he just channels it into anger and hurtful comments. And that's why he went to the pool, because being compared to Jaden makes him feel like being compared to Rafael, not good enough.

And what also hurts is that, well what are David's and Max's safe places? Because from David's reaction to being around Max, Max isn't his safe place anymore. And we know he used to be, you portray that so beautifully in every flashback scene we get, how Max is David's comfort and safety and happiness, their love, their life and their memories were the crust of his existence. And after what Mallory did, that changed. It didn't change in LBAF, David's still wanted to be near Max, but here, they are together for five minutes, they have one meaningful conversation and suddenly David gets a headache and his throat hurts and his stomach flatters and he wants to throw up. So, for me, the most fucked up thing Mallory did was erase Max as David's safe place. I mean, up until the trip to the Maldives that wasn't very obvious, the scene where Max and David just jump the waves together, holding hands, David admitting he trusts Max without a second thought, I couldn't have imagined that he feels this way around him. I don't know if it was because it was from Maxs POV but it was so obvious that David was so at ease around Max there, like he was finally feeling safe and comfort after years. Which obviously isn't the case. So... is Jaden his safe place or does he no longer have one? I honestly don't know which one would be worse, because I really love David and I want him to be able to turn to a safe place even if it's Jaden, but also as a hard core Mavid fan I want that feeling to stay between the two of them and no one else. Unless, writing is his safe place? Writing about Max and their life together and all the live they had, maybe that's his comfort? But then why does he get so many headaches when he writes about the show? I feel like it's the same thing as in LBAF, whenever he tries to remember he feels the pain Mallory caused him.

And again, what's Max's safe place? His family, his kids, David? Because he is away form everything and everyone he loves in DC and you already said he is feeling lonely on a regular basis, how does he deal with that?

This was supposed to be a small ask, I don't know why I always and up writing an essay, it's just the way you have everything laid out is really inspiring a lot of thoughts and theories so thank you!

Ps: I have a lot of happy thoughts about IALS!Mavid that I shall share in another ask because this is depressing

Dude, I was at a meeting the other day and the icebreaker question was 'what do you want for Christmas' and literally EVERYONE said 'a break' lmao the burnout in our generation is real lol.

Amazing observation that Max went to the pool because his self-esteem dropped (again) after the confrontation with Jaden. Especially after what Jaden told him at the end. Very well noticed.

The irony is Max and Jaden feeling like the other is better is my favorite thing. Forget about mavid THESE TWO need to have a chat. In an ideal world, Jaden who perhaps understand Max better than most people, should tell him how much he admires and respects Max and is proud to be portraying him on TV. Max should talk to Jaden and thank him for being there for David and the children at times when Max couldn't. But we don't live in an ideal world. Men are stupid and fragile and competitive.

I loved the analysis on safe places. What I find interesting is that for both Max and David their safe place is not a place or a person. It's an act.

I do think, in every universe, books have always been David's safe place (until and even after he met Max). It's a very common coping mechanism for people who come from abusive homes or have a lot of internalized trauma. But David also genuinely loves books and writing and stories. So, it's easy for him to seek comfort between pages. So, yeah, his writing is his safe place - at least in the present. It's a very interesting safe place, because it's not something that already exists (like your family) or something you found (a support group or religion etc). It's something you created. You realized you don't have a safe place and you built one. That takes an immense amount of strength.

Max's safe place, always has been and always will be, his family. Max feels safe when the people around him feel safe. It's also why he does what he does for a living. I think his safe place right now is his job - the knowledge that he is protecting someone. It's knowing he is protecting David by staying away from him. It's knowing he will protect the kids from anything. Max's safe place is knowing he is capable of protecting people. And that place got shattered a long time. And when that happens, it's pretty hard to build it back up. But he is trying. We know he is stubborn.

I loved loved loved this whole conversation (it feels like a conversation - like we're discussing this over tea - oh how i would LOVE that).

Love you!

#IALS

[zombies-aliens]

I guess I'll talk about it a bit. So basically I'm working right now on my lunch break. There was a guy who I'm working alongside with doing the same thing I'm doing, i told him if he needs any help I can help him. And he's like cool thanks.

So cool. He knows I got him. Great..

Until he's doing some other stuff I'm guessing another coworker assigned to him and he had to take it and do that. And the problem is when the guy didn't tell me he was doing that. Im doing my own task for the day and I relied on him to tell me since he has a radio so we can communicate anywhere. So I'm not actually out there walking with him helping customers in the parts of the store we can help people in. He's doing the main thing with helping customers and I'm fixing the shelves - basically stocking. But like I said he could have called me if he needed help. But the guy didn't 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 so I guess now I have to tell him to let me know next time because I had this customer who was waiting for one of us for 10 minutes. I only realized something was off because calls kept going off on my radio. Then I checked.. and all these customers needed help dude. But I got it under control and helped everybody. But damn, this one customer who was livid for waiting 10 minutes complained that she was going to talk to a manager. I honestly did not like her energy I mean who would. She really ruined my mood man :/ I know I should get thicker skin so I don't wanna hear it. It just got inside me idk. Been about an hour since then. I know it'll wear off but man that lady was not having it lol. I'm not super depressed or anything. But if anyone pays attention to me they will definitely pick up on it. I really don't know what I need right now but I feel a bit better talking about it. I feel like if I tried talking about it irl I'd be really short and sweet about it to not waste the other person's time. Like yeah I'm fine no big deal. Just lying. Unless they really let me know they care and wanna listen to me talk then hey I'm down. But here i dont have that worry. And thanks for never judging me you guys 🧍‍♂️

As of now I'm going to have to figure out how to tell my guy to let me know next time he's going to be doing something else to let me know so I can cover him because there were customers waiting and I thought he was running things. Basically I was his backup in case he got overwhelmed.

Idek it was such a hectic moment that lasted a few minutes but wow did it get inside me. I fucking hate it how it's so easy to sway my emotions. My emotions are like my biggest weakness but also my greatest strength. But idk how to wield it right. If I could find a way to balance my emotions and rationale then I'd be better off as a person alltogether. It wouldn't be so easy for my emotions to get to make the decisions for me. I could just act.

But yeah. Thanks for reading everyone. Feels good to talk. :)

I'm still in a good mood btw. I'm just caught up in that but yeah I feel better for sure after talking all about it. I really told you everything lol. You're all caught up lol. Well.. back to work I guess. If there's anybody that's ready to go home... it's me.

#should go without saying but dont reblog #personal #for me

[seafoamchild]

march 13th

it snowed. i don't know why winter has to last for so long here. but at least the days are longer now. it stays light until almost 7, and i hope that i will feel less tired all the time with the extra daylight.

i can't believe how much my antidepressants have helped me. i feel so much more functional now that i'm not in emotional agony all the time. i knew i was depressed for many years, but now that i'm doing better, i'm able to get a different perspective on just how much it was affecting my life. i had to quit my job because i was so depressed. i couldn't sleep. i was so irritable with people who cared about me, and i would so often shut down in social settings. i thought everyone hated me all the time. i missed out on a lot of social things. but it's okay. i can only focus on how far i've come.

not to say i don't have plenty to work on. i still struggle sometimes with substance abuse and i hate admitting it. but i just overdo it, or feel like i can't get through the day without a substance. last wednesday i took a little too much acid at work. i handled myself okay, but i felt it was a little unnecessary to be tripping in a busy restaurant and trying to talk to a bunch of strangers. i also drank way too much on saturday night. i didn't puke but i had the spins. and i just don't want to feel like that anymore. but i keep doing it. it's really hard when you have unlimited access to free alcohol.

i'm also thinking about all the unsolicited attention i get from men, and that i secretly like it. that feels shameful to admit, because men say some really weird shit to me. like this guy in the kitchen at one of my jobs is always hitting on me and saying shit like "you smell so good, your eyes are so beautiful, if you come to my house i'll cook you whatever you want, if you had a boyfriend all your problems would go away", etc. and i feel like i should be more forceful about telling him to shut the fuck up. but there's a part of me that honestly really likes the validation i get from it. is my self esteem still fucked up? i don't know, i think i like myself a lot more than i used to. so i don't know why i have to still get a dopamine rush whenever some weird kitchen dude tells me i'm pretty. one of the bartenders literally said to me "we should get a hotel room and fuck sometime" and i just found it amusing and laughed. but i feel like i should be more angry about it and tell him to fuck off. i don't know, i guess i do seek validation from other people - i mean, don't we all to some extent? i want to be told i'm funny, kind, sweet, and smart, but i also like being told i'm physically attractive. it feels nice. deep down i really just want to be loved.

it's already the middle of march - where is the time going?? why does time seem to go faster and faster as you get older? soon the flowers will be out. i'm excited for spring. last spring i was in a horrible scary depression during the prettiest time of the year, and i'm excited to feel happier this time around.

#journal