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aphroditesbaby1616 · 2 months

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The Bear & His Honey Chapter 10 -

♡ Chapter Inspo: King Of My Heart (TS) - " I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own. I made up my mind, I'm better off bein' alone. We met a few weeks ago, now you try on callin' me, baby, like tryin' on clothes "

♡♡》》𝟙𝟠+ 𝕆ℕ𝕃𝕐 𝔽𝕀ℂ! ℕ𝕆 𝕄𝕀ℕ𝕆ℝ𝕊 𝔸𝕃𝕃𝕆𝕎𝔼𝔻《《♡♡

♡ Summary: Winnie + Carm start to see eachother more regularly, Carm tries on having a bit more of a domestic life for once. ♡ W/C: 19,674 ♡ Posted Date: 03/03/2024 ♡ A/N: Its hereee! I hope it was worth the wait, it took me soooo long to edit it hahah - but were finally starting to get Carm cracked open a little!!! ♡ Warnings for BTC: Smoking cigarettes, swearing, fluff, oral (m receiving), speaking of motorcycle accidents, emotional distress, panic attacks, crying, negative self talk, talk of opiates

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

When Sugar dropped me off at home, she’d gotten out and helped me up the few steps to the front door of my building. “Are you sure you’ll be ok from here?” She asked, her voice still laced with concern due to my obvious pain and limp. She leaned against the iron railing, handing me back my bag that she’d graciously held on to as she helped me up the stairs.

I nodded, taking the bag from her and putting it on my shoulder. “Totally sure. Please- I promise this happens all the time. If anything, I’m sorry for putting you out. I really need to be more mindful- I’m the worst at overworking my injury. S’don’t worry, and thank you again, Sugar. This was so kind of you to do for me, especially since we’ve only met a few times. And…by the way, Even if Carm is too in his own head to tell you, I can see just how much you mean to him. I see how much you’ve shaped him as a person. You are an amazing sister, Natalie, really” I told her honestly, rubbing her arm gently.

She pulled me into a hug, her face settling into my neck, and her arms wrapping under mine around my waist, squeezing gently. Just like Carm’s hugs. I smiled a bit, wrapping my arms around her and rubbing her upper back. I could smell the hairspray from when she curled her hair, as well as some kind of Victoria Secret perfume. Such a big sister. “Thank you, Winnie. That means a lot - really.” She said softly.

“Also- you are an amazing mom I know it for sure, seeing as you’re such a good sister” I said and she squeezed me tighter. “Oh my gosh you are just too sweet.” She gushed and pulled away with a smile. “I gotta go pick up the littlest from daycare, stay safe ok?” She started back down the stairs towards the car. “You too, and thanks again, drive safe!” I told her and went into the entry hall, shutting the door behind me. I sighed softly as I looked at the daunting staircase. 48 stairs. I can do it. I have to do it.

It took me about an hour to climb all 3 flights of stairs, considering I had to stop every 4 steps or so and sit down for a few minutes, just to avoid my hip giving out again altogether, and likely causing me to tumble down the tiled stairs to my death. My hip was throbbing, screaming by the time I got to my floor. I was in tears again from the pain, my hands shaking as I unlocked my apartment door.

Persephone meowed impatiently and I dropped my bag to the floor in a heap next to her in the entryway, slinging the door shut behind me. “You'll need to wait, m’sorry” I muttered to her and sniffled, limping over to the couch, and using every surface possible on the way there to support my weight. I collapsed on the sofa and kicked off my sneakers before lying down and digging my phone out of my pocket.

I tried to stop the tears from flowing, wiping my tear-stained cheeks with my sleeves. It took about 45 minutes of scrolling on my phone before I felt well enough to get up, and get to the bathroom. I swallowed one of my pain pills, before limping into the kitchen and putting Persephone's food In her bowl. I moaned out in pain as I bent over, putting her bowl down and slowly pulling myself back up.

She quickly started eating and I hobbled back to the bedroom, sitting on my bed as I took off my shirt and bra, standing to peel off my jeans from my thighs before sitting again to get them off my calves and ankles. I let out a heavy sigh, one of those post-sob sighs that was more like a gasp and rubbed my face roughly. When I pulled my hands away from their vicious rubbing of my eyes, my fingers were all streaked in black. I must look fucking nuts with mascara and eyeliner all over my face. I was honestly kind of scared to look in the mirror.

I shook my head at the thought, getting up and padding over to my dresser, pulling the top drawer open and slipping on an oversized blue T-shirt that was Chris’ once upon a time. I plopped down on my bed, pulling makeup wipes out of my bedside table and wiping the mess of makeup off my face, turning on my tv and putting on an episode of Law and Order SVU, something I’d watched and rewatched a hundred times over.

I finished after about 2 wipes back and front of scrubbing, leaving them on the nightstand and snuggling in to my sheets as I pulled out my phone and went to tiktok, scrolling through videos. Every few minutes though, I remember the missed call on my phone from Carmen, what did he need from me in the middle of the workday? I bit my lip gently, going back to my call log 5 times over the course of an hour before finally clicking his contact highlighted in red.

Just as I’m about to hang up because I couldn’t bear him letting me go to voicemail, it stops ringing but there’s silence on the other end. I listened for a moment, taking a deep breath, my heart thumping in my throat. “Carmy?” I said softly. “Uh- hey. Hey,” he said and cleared his throat.

“Hi- how are you, is everything alright?” I asked “ye’ - everything’s- everything’s ok. Why?” He asked and I bit the inside of my lip nervously. “I’m- I’m sorry I should’ve just texted. Uh- I missed a call from you earlier? It must have been a butt dial. I’m sorry if I bothered you” I said, nervously playing with the thread hanging off my shirt.

“No- no you’d never bother me, I…uh. Called cause I-I wanted to um-“ he pauses for a few moments. “Tell you…somethin’ I guess” he finally said quietly. I pick at my thumbnail nervously. “Shoot” I replied, my stomach swarming with anticipation and anxiety. “I…um. I had a really nice time with you- uh…Saturday. And um…I- I realized something?” He said the end like a question almost, as if he was asking himself if he wanted to tell me.

“Ok what’s that?” I asked and he took a trembling breath. “I…” he said. I could picture him in my mind, nervously tugging on his hair and squeezing his eyes shut to shut himself off. “I…think- that” he clears his throat “fuck I’m so sorry I- I’ve never done this before,” he said frustrated with himself.

“Carmy” I said gently “yes” he replied quietly. “I like you. And I think you are…amazing. Your sister is amazing, your cousins are wonderful, I- I don’t think…that we should see each other anymore, because- you’re right. If you can’t handle getting attached, we should cut things off before we both hurt ourselves more. But I had so much fun with you, this weekend. But Please Carm” I plead, “please know that this is not because I don’t want you. It’s exactly the opposite, I want you too much- I want you more than you told me you ever wanted this to go in the beginning and I’m sorry. I know that it sounds pathetic. I know we’ve only been together once but I- I fall for people really fast and I could see falling in love with you being too easy” The line was silent for what felt like minutes before he replied.

“I think that I want you to teach me”

Silence again, from both ends of the phone. The only sound I’d assume he hears is the scene on my tv in the background. I swallowed thickly, my eyes fluttering shut in thought.

“You’ve been in love, right?” He asked, the question hits me like a freight train. I took a deep breath before answering. “Yes I have where is this going” I replied softly. “I- I haven’t. Nothing even close. And I know nothing Winnie. You’re so…so fucking perfect - and I know you’re way too good for me but I…I’ve never wanted to be better? And suddenly…I want t-t’see what it’s like. And you…when we were together” he stopped suddenly, the sound of a car door closing behind him.

“When we were together, that’s the closest thing I’ve ever- no- no..” he stopped himself, I could hear him pacing back and forth. “No I'm not- I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn’t lay this on you and -“ I cut him off.

“Carm, I want to know how being together made you feel, please” I bit my lip harshly, my chest burning with anxiety.

“I’ve never been in love before but I’ve…I’ve seen it? And I’ve imagined…what it felt like, t-t’feel that from someone. I- I imagined it when you were reading to me- a-and. It was the first time…when I imagined being loved it felt more real…fuck I’m sorry - this is too much- I don’t mean…I mean like I’ve never felt it ever Winnie, from anyone. And I know- I-I know that Syd, rightfully fuckin’ so- told you what a sack of shit I am. And I deserve that, and I- I don’t deserve to feel loved… but I-I thought you should know how- how you made me feel.” His voice was cracking by the end.

“I made you feel loved?” I whisper, staring blankly at the ceiling. “I’m fucking pathetic” he replied. “N-no, stop. What are you doing?” I asked “M’sorry…I- I don’t know.” He sniffled and I sit up. “No, Carm, what are you doing. Where are you?” I asked. “I-“ he snorts. “A fucking church” he said with a light chuckle “a goddamn church” he repeated and I busted up laughing. “Carmen” I said.

“Come over. I can’t fuck you, I’m in excruciating pain, but I need to see you. And we need to talk face to face” I hear his car door open and close again, the car starting in the background. “What? Why are you hurt? What happened? I’m coming.” He said quickly. I smiled a bit at his urgency “no, nothing. Nothing did. Well, not today it’s just my hip. I broke it in the accident and had to get it fused, and they fucked it up so majorly that it hurts constantly pretty much. I just need to see your face” I said softly. He let out a sigh, that almost sounded like relief.

“Yes. Yes. I’m coming now, have you eaten?” He asked and I hum “no, don’t worry about it I’ll make a sandwich when I feel better” I said softly. “No- no, no Winnie. What’re you in the mood for, you aren’t feeling good. Let me help you” he repeated my words from Sugars office that night at the restaurant and I shook my head fondly at the memory. “I want a sandwich, Carm. That’s it. Oo- and fries.” I said and turned on the heating pad that permanently lived on my side of the bed.

“Yeah? M’kay baby, I’ll be over in like 40 minutes with a kick ass sandwich for you, y’okay with beef?” He asked and I hummed happily at the sweetness in his tone “please, oh my god- I haven’t eaten today and that sounds amazing” I said. “I gotcha’ Win’ don’t worry.” I heard him put his phone in the cup holder.

“Bring a bag if you want, I kinda hated waking up alone this morning. But it’s up to you- and just come in when you get here, doors unlocked.” I said and hung up the phone, I stared up at the ceiling - Sydney’s voice bouncing around in my mind. You can’t fix him. He will always end up pushing you away.

𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂'𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱.🧸

I parked in the alley next to The Bear how I usually did when I came with my car and locked it, opening the metal door and heading into the kitchen. “Yo - Ebra” I said and he looks up from the grill. “Chef? Richie said you’ve left for the day” he said “Ye’, just came to grab some food I’m meetin’ a friend. Can you get me to Italian beefs and fries to go please.” I told him and he nods “Of course, right away Chef”

“Perfect thank you, I’m gonna be in the office just have someone run it back yea? Oh- and put extra cheese on one, mark it.” I head back to the office “of course chef” he replied. I shut the door and run over my chin as I sit down at the desk, Claire’s words bouncing around in my head.

‘ I’m also a spouse, how you look when you speak of her- she’s your wife ‘

Final time. This is the final - final time. If I can’t fucking handle my shit I’m not doing this and this is the last time I ever try. If she leaves, I’m done.

I nod, satisfied with my conclusion. This would finally satisfy Sugars urge to push me to ‘find love so I can be happier’, to Richie nagging me about “not allowing myself to be happy”. If this fails, everyone will have to get off my back. Because if this fails, I fail. And it will fully prove to them everything I tell them about me being unlovable is true, and they can believe it- or they can continue living in denial that they don’t solely love me because I’m family.

But the growing lump in my throat felt very unsatisfying at the fact that this conclusion meant, I would also finally know for myself if I was truly lovable or not. So I would finally put to rest the dream of being somewhat normal. Which felt like I would really go insane, I may just go off the deep end like Mikey. At least I’d know, that The Bear could fully run- I would be guilt free.

My spiraling thoughts were interrupted by a light knock at the door “Jeff?” I sighed softly, running a hand through my hair. “Come in” I said and Tina opened the door. “Special order with extra cheese” she said and came and set the brown bag on the desk. “What’s goin’ on?” She asked, voice laced with concern. Per usual, I feel the tight defensiveness in my chest.

“Nothin’..nothin’, chef. Thank you.” I sigh deeply. “You’re flushed” she put her hand on her hip. “Long fuckin’ day” I said before shaking my head “thanks again.” I said dismissively and she heads toward the door. “I hope that’s for a certain ginger - I’ll see you tomorrow” she said and closed the door before I could reply. I blushed, why the fuck did everyone have such an interest as to who I’m deciding to mess around with.

I got up, grabbing the bag and my keys off the desk, and opening the office door. I head towards the back through the hall “Bear!” I stopped and turn around to see sugar coming up to me, “ ‘sup?” I asked her and she took my arm, pulling me to the back door. “I just…I wanted to say - I dunno’..I don’t say it enough. I love you” she said, and the lump in my throat grew to be unmanageably large.

“I…” my voice comes out shaky, so I clear my throat, blinking back the tears welling behind my eyes. “I love you” I replied quietly and swallowed hard. “Know that as long as I’m here, there will always be someone who’s proud of everything you’ve done, Bear” she said just above a whisper, her eyes welling up with tears and she pulls me into a hug.

It took everything in me to hold back a sob, I felt emotionally fucking unravelled today. I wrap my arms around her, burying my face in her shoulder. “The fuck are you doin’ that for, Nat?” I asked and she sniffled. “Doing what?” She muttered into my chest. “Trying to make me fuckin’ cry?” I patted her back and she laughed a bit, pulling away. “No jagoff I’m just telling my little brother that I’m proud of him. Now get out of here and think about your shit” she pushed the door open, holding it with her foot.

“Yeah yeah I’m goin’. Thanks for holding it down today” I said as I headed back to the car. “If it’s so you keep up with that girl? I’ll pull extra shifts. Go check on her, will you? She’s in a lot of pain.” She replied and I look back at her, stopping dead in my tracks. “You saw her today?” I asked and she nods.

“Had to drive the poor thing home, she was a mess when I came out t’go pick up the baby and drop her at home. Like actually crying in pain. That food is for her I hope?” She raised an eyebrow.

She needed me, and I wasn’t fucking here. I’m already failing her. “I-it is. Thank you- call me next time, will you?” I told her. “She specifically told me not to tell you she was here- so do me a favor and don’t mention it to her will you?” She said and my eyebrows furrowed. “She- she said that?” I asked. “I dunno, Carmen. Just- go check on her. Ok?” She said and I nodded “it’s where I was goin’ anyway, thanks for the heads up.” I said, putting the food safely on the floor of the passenger side before getting in the drivers side and starting to my place.

I shut my car door, slinging my backpack over my shoulder and starting up the steps to Winnie’s building. I took a deep breath outside the front door, taking out a 100mL bottle of J&M from my backpack, downing half of it, my mouth and nose crinkling up at the disgusting bitterness, the toxic-feeling burn trickling from my tongue to the pit of my stomach

like mother like fuckin’ son.

Bounces throughout my head, but I didn’t care - the only thing to get me to tell the truth? Was my confidence being heightened by spirits. Sure, Maybe it was DNA, maybe it was unadulterated anxiety- either way if the bronze-poison helped me in being more honest with Winnie? Family habits be damned, she deserves every ounce of honesty I can muster. No matter how.

After chugging about half the bottle, I stuffed it back in the same hidden pocket in my backpack, before pushing the large wooden front door open and hauling myself up the 3 flights of stairs to her apartment’s floor. By the time I’d gotten to her door, I had the familiar warm feeling confidence flowing through my chest. Perfect. Pure Honesty.

I knocked gently, after a few seconds, I hear the soft confused ‘bbrrrrowww?’ Of her fuffy cat, circling close behind the door by the sounds of her. Her behavior really reminded me of Winnie, she was warm, inviting, soft, so sweet. She honestly had made me daydream about having a pet of my own for the first time.

“Carmy? Told’ya it’s unlocked! If you’re not Carmy, come kill me I guess!” Her sweet familiar voice called through the door, causing me to chuckle. I pushed it open, slowly as to not crush the cat behind it. Stepping in, the whole place dark except the soft pulsing light from the TV spilling into the hallway from Winnie's bedroom.

Persephone weaves figure 8’s in my legs when I stepped in, purring wildly. As soon as I looked down at her, she plopped on her back, doing a big stretch to offer her belly up for petting. “Hi pretty baby” I squatted down carefully, scratching her tummy as she requested, and feeling her purring intestify at the action, the vibration spreading throughout her whole pudgy body.

“Happy girl” I muttered softly, standing back up straight and carefully stepping over her to head to Winnie’s room. I nudged the door open gently, nearly gasping at the raw, innocent sight in front of me.

She was illuminated by light of the TV, Her curly red, curly fringe slightly peeked out of the blanket-hood she’d created around her face - it had to be her baby blanket. Frayed and tattered at the edges, an extremely faded, quilted pattern of Winnie The Pooh shoving honey in his mouth from a pot, curled around her face. The stray fabric tassels were nestled up to her cheeks, her left forefinger and thumb ever so gently rubbing the silk tag against her lips.

She had a little grey seal stuffed animal nuzzled in her neck, and a little pastel bear in the crook of her arm. I smiled slightly, feeling Persephone brush against my legs. She pushed the door wide open with a *creak*, as if she pays bills or something - blowing up my spot in the hallway admiring her, peacefully just existing. She didn’t even blink until the cat catapulted carelessly onto her stomach, her gaze on the TV being broken suddenly, slightly groaning at the cat's pounce “Jesus Seph” she groaned softly, sitting up slightly, her blanket cage falling below her head.

The bear falls out of her arm onto the bed as saw me in the doorway, sitting up further, and the cat rolling onto the bed carelessly next to her with a small whine. “Carmy!” she said happily.

I could crumple into the floor at the sound of her honey-like voice. Instead, the alcohol well meeting my inhibitions by now due to my strenuous walk-up - took honus over my mouth. “Y’re too cute” I smiled a bit, coming up to her side of the bed, sitting where I saw her feet were tucked so I wouldn’t crush her by mistake. “Dinner, from Carmen’s hospital, this time” I joked.

Sephy pads over carefully on the bed, sniffing the container as I take it out, setting it next to Winnie’s blanketed lap. “Aht! Not for little kittens” I teased, scratching her chin gingerly. Winnie sat up fully against the headboard, setting the container to her right on the empty spot on the bed. “Kisses, now - I fuckin’ missed you.” She said, puckering her plump glistening lips adorably.

“Where d’you hurt? I don’t wanna make it worse f’you, honey” I asked. She smiled lazily, “I took my pill a’few hours ago, I’m numb, kissy’s please” she pleaded, and outstretched her arms for me cutely. My chest tightened momentarily at the mention of narcotics, but I easily swallowed it down with the aid of the alcohol, leaning in and kissing her deeply. I swiped my tongue over her lips, causing her to open her mouth nearly on instinct. I sigh out in satisfaction at the taste of her vanilla chapstick. She hummed sweetly, hooking her arms around my neck like a little Koala-bear, tugging herself closer to me, our chests touching.

I rubbed the small of her back soothingly, gently pushing her large t-shirt up to expose her panties, rolling the thin stretchy elastic hem back and forth between my fingers. After a few minutes of heavy petting, deep kissing, and soft kitten-like moans from her, when her hands finally found their way under my sweater, the tips of her nails stroking my midsection in a way that set my soul on fire- I broke our lips apart slightly, a small, thin string of our mutual desire connecting us until I spoke. “S’time f’you to eat, princess, y’feelin any better, what caused this mm’?” I questioned gently, my hands stroking up her ribs tenderly and squeezing assuringly.

“Eat, then talk?” she said sweetly, more a demand than an offer. “Course angel, what’re we watchin’?” I took out the box marked ‘E/C’ and set it on her lap, “SVU” she said, leaning over and turning on the lamp. “Hm, alright - interesting choice” I said, getting up and taking off my sneakers, kicking them slightly beneath the bed so she wouldn’t trip in the night, before going and sitting next to her against the headboard.

“It’s my comfort show” she said and took her glasses out of the pink case from the top of her bedside table, putting them on. I smiled a bit, “Y’look really adorable in those, like a little librarian” I said, causing her to blush which made her freckles adorning her cheeks more obvious, her dimples peeking out as she tries to hide a smile. “I am a librarian, 3 days a week anyways.. Did you bring ketchup?” she asks as she opened up her box.

“Oh- no, no sorry- I need to remember that you use that shit like water” I teased “d’you have some?” I set my box down and she does the same, “Yeah-” she said with a slight giggle pulls her crosstitch, fringed blanket back. “No- no, relax, you stay here, I’ll find it, yeah? Y’re hurting, baby.. Did you want me to get you a drink while I'm in there?” I asked while getting up and heading to the hall. She nods, “Yeah- it’s on the door, just grab a soda” she replied while settling back in gratefully. I came back a minute or so later, handing her a can of soda and the ketchup.

“Carmy it’s..I’m fine really- I’ll tell you more about it, but like- This happens all the time, you don’t need to worry, I throw my hip out like at least once a week- sometimes more. I’m like an old fuckin woman” She said, squirting the ketchup into the lid of her container. I sat down, opening my soda and setting it on the nightstand. “That sucks, sorry you have to deal with that- i’m always happy to help you, y’know that right?” I took a bite of my sandwich, watching as she took a bite of the french fry she’d dunked in her monstrous pool of ketchup.

She shakes her head, “I’m fine, really - It’s my own fault. It’s my fault i’m all fucked up anyway.” she took a bite of her sandwich and hums. “ thank you f’r bringin’ this” she mumbles with a partially full mouth, an onion sticking to her lip, causing me to smile in amusement. “Hey” I said softly and she looks over, I gently swipe my thumb across her lip, before wiping it on the napkin that was sitting my lap. She blushed, smiling sheepishly. “Thanks” she muttered softly.

We ate in silence for a few moments before I decided finally to succumb to my curiosity, “Why d’you think it’s your fault?” I asked quietly, before looking over at her. She met my gazed shrugged, before taking another bite of her sandwich, not meeting my eyes once more. She swallowed, taking a long moment before responding. “Don’t ask me about this - ever again. I’ll tell you one time, and that one time being now because my fuckin’ pills make me... able to be- open? I guess…But uh- I knew he was dead, essentially, and don’t try to tell me it ‘isn’t my fault’ because it fucking was - everything was. I was the one that begged him to bring me, to drive me to my fuckin’ girls house. A girl I knew wasnt in love with me. I’d only ridden like…” she scoffs “3..maybe 4 times? and My stupid, idiot self didn’t fuckin’ realize- I didn’t realize how fucking important it is, to balance your weight especially on sharp turns.” she shakes her head, setting her sandwich down and closing her eyes tightly.

“This- this fucking dickhead - in a huge pickup truck, he was up our ass - Chris had cut ‘em off like a mile back because he was going slow as shit- and Chris was the kind of fucker that was petty- h-he…. He slammed on his breaks a few times y’know? Like- like break-checkin’ ‘em to give ‘em I guess a taste…of-of being stuck behind someone. I should’ve known- I- I should’ve known he was…he-he- Chris was gonna whip into the next lane and dart around the sedan in front of us - but I…I- I didn’t- s-so I-I didnt lean. I didn’t lean. B-because of my weight- w-we… the front tire flipped in, Chris flew- h-he…” she takes a shaking breath.

“He- he- he got….he hit the windshield of the car in front of us, the fucking sound Carmen- the-the-the bike slid under me, m-my hip- my fucking bone was ground in to the pavement from how far I was dragged. The poor woman in-in-in the sedan d-driving behind us- oh fuck-” she started laughing wildly, but the sound was numb. “Fuck” she looks at me,large- thick tears pooling behind her big hazel eyes. But yet a large, dry smile was plastered among her features. “The sheer force of being hit by a car- my god, when my head hit the pavement? I thought I’d exploded. Like- like I fuckin’ burst into confetti!” she laughs again, a cold, emotionless laugh while shaking her head, wiping her face over with rough hands. It was like everything she felt from this was so intensely painful, that all she could do was laugh or she’d go in to psychosis. I know I’d feel that way if I went through that with Mikey.

I swallowed thickly as she continued. “He-He was- I knew- I-I-I knew Carmen that he was dead-but- b-but- but- I h-had to…had- t- I-I-I had t-t-to see..to see him Carmen- I- y-you know? T-to b-be sure” she heaves out between violent, shaking sobs. Her entire body was trembling with fear, with sadness, with grief. Tears pooled behind my own eyes at the pure agony radiating off of her and I kissed her forehead gently “m’ so fuckin sorry honey” I muttered in to her temple, unsure if anything could console her in this moment.

She continued, breath heaving as she attempted to explain “you know in-I-in T-TV when someone is- a-a-about to die, and -“ she gasped down a large, shaking breath “and theres this ringing - th-thats fucking real. But- b-but it's-it’s-it’s deafening Carmen. I-It.. Your body vibrates with the f-feeling, it- l-like- i-it’s from your bones-” she choked back a sob and I gently rested my hand on her thigh, “Breathe, babygirl, you’re safe” I said just above a whisper, wrapping my other arm around her frame, cradling her, and her eyes meet mine, boring in to my soul.

“I- I tried-” she squeaked out. “I tried- I wanted to get up, he- h-” she gasps in a breath “he…h-his-his-” she squeezes her eyes shut. “Hi-s…” she hiccups a breath that sounded painful between sobs “his neck- his neck…his neck” she muttered, shaking her head quickly, bursting out suddenly in to uncontrollable, choking sobs. I rubbed her thigh soothingly. “Shhh…shhh- Baby- baby, angel- you don’t have to tell me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry, honey” I repeated, putting my plate in front of me, doing the same to hers and hugging her to me, nestling her face in to my chest and rubbing soothing circles into her back.

She heaves in a large gasping breath, coughing lightly before continuing. “M-my hip, my hip. The fucking- th-the bone…I-I- I don’t want to disgust you.” She whispered, shaking her head against my chest. I smoothed her hair down tenderly, kissing the top of her head that was burning hot with anxiety, the hair at the base of her neck feeling damp with sweat. “Win’- you’d never disgust me, mm? I don’t want you to be sick over this. Y’don’t need t’work yourself up, don’t tell me if it makes you uncomfortable, honey”. My hand curls around her stomach, rubbing long, slow strokes back and forth, feeling her gasping breaths rise and fall against my hand as she spiraled into an episode that looked just like mine.

Seeing her like this was causing my heart to ache so deeply it was impossible to comprehend the hurt all at once.

“I’m sorry- I-I’m sorry- I-“ she chokes out a violent, shaking sob “I’m so sorry, Carmen- I- I’m a horrible person. I- you can’t- I don’t deserve a man like you…oh god- i-I’m- it’s me Carm. You-you-I’m horrible“ she coughs. I gently pulled her trembling frame into my lap, nudging her chin up with my forefinger to look at me and she finally opened her eyes.

“Winnow.” I said quietly, watching her lip quiver sadly before her eyes met mine, the rings of hazel nearly swallowed by her blown out pupils, her cheeks red and tear-stained. She swallowed thickly as my thumb presses to her trembling lip. “You-” I start, my eyes squeezing shut involuntarily to try and reel back the tears gathering behind them.

I took a large, trembling breath, holding it momentarily while I gathered my racing thoughts. “You- Winnie - you are the furthest thing from horrible, I never want to hear that from you- ever, ever again, do you understand?” I breathed out, my thumb running down her chin gently. She swallowed hard again, her eyes meeting mine suddenly, a thick hot tear falling down her freckled cheek and wetting my thumb.

“Stop.” She squeaked out, her eyes fluttering shut. “W-what baby? Stop what?” I questioned, the pads of my thumbs brushing away her tears. “Stop, Carmen- I told you” her eyes opened , gently grabbing my hands that were cupping her cheeks and squeezing gently around my wrists in objection.

“I can’t do this.” She whispered, tugging my hands off her face gently. “I told you.” She repeated, shuffling off of my lap, sniffling and wiping her eyes messily. “I’m not your baby- I - y-you can’t call me that. S-Stop calling me sweet names” she hiccuped as she spoke, wiping her nose with a napkin- steadily avoiding my gaze. It’s like I could physically feel my heart snap.

“How do you mean hon-Winnie?” I corrected myself, feeling a hard lump growing in my throat. “You’re too easy to fall in love with” she shook her head, pulling her plate back into her lap and swirling a fry in her ketchup.

I sighed softly, “that’s- that’s why I’m here.” I said quietly, watching her continue to swirl the pool bigger and bigger nervously. “I’m not a good - I wasn’t a good person, and- and I’m not sure I’ve ever been loved back. I just know for certain I’ve been in love with someone before. And you deserve someone who knows the whole thing” She shrugged, finally dropping the fry in to the red pool and looking over at me.

“Well…what was it like?” I ask quietly she snorted, shaking her head. “You don’t get it. That? What I did? It was miserable. Being in love with someone who won’t love you back is like- is like…the most embarrassing thing. I was in love with a person that never even existed, it was an idealized version of her.” She said and I raised my eyebrows, surprised.

“You’ve never- been in love w-with a guy?” I asked and she shook her head, laughing a bit. “The only guy I claimed to love - beat my ass, and it wasn’t until therapy that I realized I didn’t love him. I just wanted him to love me so bad that I thought if I was ‘better’ or if I changed that I could convince him to love me.” She shrugged a bit. I swallowed thickly “he- he doesn’t live here does he? In Chicago?” She shook her head.

“Good cause he’s a little bitch. I’d never ever dream of hurting you or any woman that way.” I said and she nodded, smiling a little. “Don’t worry…I’ve learned my lesson- I’d never have been around you if I got the feeling…” she sighed a bit before continuing. “It doesn’t- it doesn’t matter though. To love someone… well- unconditionally.. it’s acceptance?” She looks at me. “It’s… it’s to see someone’s flaws, and instead of…instead of seeing past them you love in spite of them. In spite of someone’s pain, in spite of all the people that have ever hurt them- it’s acceptance that this human is not perfect but they’re perfect for you. Despite their flaws, despite if they hurt you. But true love- real love, mutual love, is acceptance, and respect.”

She turned back and continued eating her sandwich and I sat for a moment in silence, contemplating what she said. “So…you don’t…you don’t think I’m capable of that?” I asked, rubbing my chin nervously. She shook her head “no, no. I think you’d be well capable- but you…you don’t want it. You don’t want to trust that’s like- that’s the biggest part of love is trusting someone fully like more then anyone in the world you come to them and admire their opinion of you so much that you’ll take their opinion of you second to your own. Like they’re the only other person that you give a fuck about what they really think.”

I bit my lip nervously “h-how do you- how do you learn to trust? People?” He asked and she looked over, brows furrowed a bit. “Uh-“ she shook her head slightly, thinking for a moment. “I- I guess…it starts with being honest- because if you’re honest about how you feel then it shows you if the person is worth trusting. Like…like I’ll be honest, I’m..i’m scared of being with you.” She said and I feel my heart sink.

Of course you fucking scare her you’re a brute, your always screaming, you shut people out, you push one of her best friends to her limits constantly

Her voice brings me back out of my head “because…well I see how innocent you are and-“ she continued but the single word rings through my mind so loudly I can’t hear, nor process anything else.

Innocent…Innocent? Innocent. Why- how, what- what about me is innocent? I’m a fuckin’ asshole.

“But..yeah. So I guess…I guess scared wasn’t the best word but I just don’t want to corrupt you” she finished, taking a sip of her soda and I looked back at her.

“Innocent.” Was all I could manage to say and she looks over at me, nodding a bit. “Like I said- All I’ve had is bad relationships, unhealthy ones, you’re innocent in that sense…I don’t wanna teach you bad habits or something” she said and I sat against the headboard, thinking. “In what world could you possibly corrupt me?” I asked and she covered her mouth as she laughed “dude” she shakes her head, swallowing her food finally.

“Don’t make me choke! Oh my god. This is what I mean- you don’t know me. I was a total piece of shit before I moved here a few years ago. I was a literal massive bitch after Chris died. I just…just came unglued. People don’t like me back home, Carm. I became a shell of myself. My mom…My mom hates me.” she said and I frowned slightly, shaking my head, “That’s- no, no Win, I dont think that your mom could hate you…you’re too- you’re too kind… Just because you may have said some shit after him- I did too, with Mikey. I’ve…I’ve said alot of fuckin’ - just cruel bullshit” I explained. I was unsure if the ache in my heart had to do with seeing her so upset- so guilt-ridden. If that was the case I would tell her whatever about myself to get to understand just how fuckin’ uncorruptable I am.

“No- no she… she hates me. I was always- I…Chris was always the good twin, I was the one causing trouble a-and to top it off I killed him.The only good thing in her life - her only real thing to be proud of. I-I couldn’t save him, and I was the reason we were out- and I left her with- with all this debt. Then I just… I ran away! I ran. I’m a coward. And I don’t deserve someone like you who- whos already terrified of commitment, even though I’m “different” now? I still am too fucking coward to talk to my mom, because she hasn’t talked to me since I left.” she pulled Persephone in to her lap, stroking her tail between her fingers nervously and she purred in response, stretching back and looking at me.

“I-” I clear my throat, nervously running a hand through my hair. “I uh- I didn’t even go to Mikeys funeral..I was uh…I-I couldn’t face it” I bit my lip nervously. “So, I’m uh- you aren’t guilty of anything i’m not, I’m used to running- it’s…my worst habit probably, running from-from everything” I shook my head, averting her gaze.

“Thats the opposite of love, so if you really want to know what love feels like, you need to run towards the object of your desire.” she said softly and held my hand, rubbing over my tattoo with her thumb in long soothing strokes. I look over at her and smile a bit, getting that now familiar flutter in my stomach that was happening more and more often because of how much time we’d been together recently. “Thats why I’m here, I uh- the church?” I said and gently grabbed her small fingers with my own, lacing them together.

“Oh- did God whisper for you to come see me” she gives me a teasing smile and I chuckled a bit, sitting back on the headboard feeling much more relieved she seemed to be feeling a bit better. “Kinda- this stupid support group..well- I thought it was gonna be stupid? But.. it kinda helped me in a way. This um…girl- the head of the group, she said that our task was to see someone you desire this week so uh.. Here I am I guess” I felt my cheeks heating and she smiled bigger.

“Oh I see, I didn’t know when I invited you I was helping you check off your therapy homework” she teased and rested her head on my shoulder, the smell of her coconut shampoo hitting my senses. I closed my eyes, resting my head on hers comfortably. “Mmhmm- I um…I wanna keep seeing you” I said and she brought my hand to her lips, kissing gently.

“Good because I want to keep seeing you, as long as we can both be honest with each other and not run away.” She said, kissing each one of my knuckles gently. I smiled at the sweet gesture. “I can’t promise I won’t…but I’m gonna do everything I can to tell you how sorry I am when it happens” I watched as she examined my hand, finger gently brushing over the large scar that was still dark even after a few years time of healing.

“What happened?” She asked quietly, tracing her knuckle gently over the raised skin. “I uh- kitchen. Knife accident. Long time ago back in one of my first gigs” I said, deciding it was better to not get in to why I had done it- I was emotionally fucked out today say the least, and going in to my previous boss was going to be too much to handle at the current moment.

“Did you mean what you said earlier on the phone?” She asked, flipping my arm over, the pad of her finger tracing over the snail tattoo on my arm with a light touch causing goosebumps to raise on my skin.

“What did I say?” I asked, watching as she rubs gently over the letters before tracing the veins of my forearm. She leaned more into me, playing with my fingers in a gentle way that caused me to smile slightly. “That I made you feel loved?” she asked. I swallowed thickly, biting my lip “uh- I- I mean. Like I said. Never like- I just imagined what it would like…to be- it…It was stupid.” I shook my head slightly, closing my eyes in embarrassment. “Well…I loved reading to you. Did you want to finish eating and…we can see what Edward is getting up to next?” I looked down at her and she was looking up at me, meeting my gaze with hopeful eyes. It felt like my heart skipped a beat in the moment, “that sounds really nice.” I rubbed the top of her head gently.

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

“And Edward didn’t fly back into the cruel boys arms, he didn’t fly forward into the loving arms of Abaline- But instead, he fell to the left, overboard the ship. Edward focused on the sounds of Abalines desperate cries as he flipped and soared through the air into the ocean with a large *splash*, watching the ship slowly pass him by as he momentarily floated atop the waves.

He waited for Abaline, he watched the surface of the water go from blue to black as he continued floating down, and down until he landed face first on the ocean floor. Edward waited. And waited. Unable to see the stars he loved at night, and without his pocket watch, he couldn’t quite be sure how many days had passed- but he knew it had been many, and yet Abaline never came.”

I shut the book, setting it down next to my lap where he laid and looked down at him. His eyes fluttered open and his brows knitted together adorably in concern. “That wasn’t the end.” He said, more like a statement than a question, causing me to giggle a bit. “No.” I said simply and shrugged. “Ok- well. Keep going then, he needs to get back to her before I can sleep” he closed his eyes again with a smug smile, and I laughed genuinely at his perseverance and interest in the story, continuing to play with his soft blonde curls that had long gone frizzy and were more broken waves over the course of his long day.

“And what if he never gets back to Abaline?” I questioned and his eyes shot open, glancing up at me nervously. “Don’t say that. She really loves him- she’s gonna be all torn up if she cant get him back” he said and I smiled a bit, finding his concern for the fictional child adorable. “Probably true…I would be realy sad if I were her. But it was fair to say he didn’t love her, right? She's gonna go on and find a bunny that loves her the same way- and it gives Edward the opportunity to realize what Abaline truly meant to him.” I gently rub the pads of my fore and middle finger over his jawline soothingly. “I guess y’re right…he doesn’t really deserve her” he muttered, his eyes fluttering shut at my touch, and sighing softly through his nose.

“No, it’s not about Edward being deserving of love. For her, It’s about letting someone go that didn’t appreciate her, and for him it’s about learning to appreciate what he has, while he has it- and telling them.” I trace the veins of his neck with a light touch, feeling his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows. After a few moments of gently stroking his face he looks up at me. “It feels really good when you do that” he said just above a whisper and a small smile graced my lips.

“Yeah? My gram used to do this to help me fall asleep.” I said and he hummed. “Mm..’s makin’ me sleepy.” He said, covering his mouth as he yawned before looking up at me. “I don’t wanna wake you up t’morrow. I get up really early.” He said and I ran my hand through his hair again, scratching his scalp gently.

“Taylor’s in Australia- it’s her last night there, so I’ve been up early like- almost every day this weekend other then Friday when you slept over” I explained and he chuckled, shaking his head a bit, closing his eyes as he rested his head back in my lap. “How the hell are you seeing that?” He asked, nuzzling his face in my tummy tiredly. “Live streams. This girl, Tess. She’s amazing.” I said with a smile before yawning myself, stretching my back and groaning softly at the dull ache.

“Fuck” I grumble, I should’ve guessed. My period always makes my hip problems worse for some reason. “What’s wrong?” He looked up at me, his voice slightly laced with concern. “Nothin’. Nothin. My back is just a little sore. C’mon let me up - I gotta brush my teeth, and you have to change so we can go to bed, you have an early day” I said and he nodded a bit, sitting up. He took our trash and kissed my forehead gently before heading out to throw it away in the kitchen. I smiled softly at the sweet gesture, standing up and padding into the bathroom.

I made quick work of brushing my teeth, washing my face, and doing my quick nightly skincare, before slicking on some deodorant. I shut the door to use the restroom, sitting there with my panties around my knees rubbing my face. I should just fuckin’ put a tampon in I already know what’s coming. I sighed to myself, annoyed. I’d been dealing with it since I was 12, but the pain just got more debilitating as I got older. I would wake up throwing up from cramps, no medicine other than THC oil I had even helped slightly dull the pain.

But I still went to work. I still got up and did everything I needed to do, because I didn’t have the money to call out sick. Even though I would this time of month be in the bathroom throwing up through tears every few hours due to the pain before I started with the heaven sent THC oil. One time I even passed out on the floor (thank god for my embarrassment, we had just closed so no customers came in the bathroom, and I came to before Mel got concerned and came to check on me).

I grabbed a tampon from the basket sitting atop the back of the toilet, throwing the empty applicator in the garbage before flushing the toilet. I pulled my panties up and washed my hands before opening the medicine cabinet, grabbing my Nauzene, Dramamine, and RSO syringe, before walking back out and putting them on my nightstand. Carm was already there, laid over the covers shirtless in his dark grey sweatpants. I smiled a bit at the beautiful sight. “can we cuddle?” I asked, turning on my fairy lights I left on at night and turning off the lamps, the room becoming much more cozy and comforting.

“Course” he got up, pulling back the duvet for us, before settling back in. I plugged my phone in on the nightstand, clicking on my white noise machine to play my rain sounds before sitting down on the bed. I pulled open the top draw of my nightstand, massaging in some of my milk and honey hand cream in to my arms and hands, before opening my jar of melatonin and taking 2 of the capsules. “Got a pharmacy over there?” He teased with a small smile, motioning to my nightstand with all my medicines waiting for me. I blushed a bit, “yeah I- uh. I get…sick? Sometimes…at night. Just being prepared in case.” I said, rubbing the extra lotion on my elbows before sitting criss- cross next to him.

“Lay back like you did last time, I liked snuggling like that your hands are warm.” I said and he smiled softly, “yes ma’am” he joked with a smile, laying his left arm out for me once he got settled in. I laid down, bringing my leg up to straddle his waist comfortably and nuzzling my face into his neck, draping my hand over his chest. He rubs my back in slow, long, soothing strokes. “Can I- uh..can I..ask you something” he said softly and I looked up at him, to see him looking at the ceiling with his other arm propped behind his head and the pillow, his forehead wrinkled in the way that told me he was thinking about something intently..

“Anything” I replied, my hand resting over his racing heart, and my thumb rubbing small, gentle circles into his skin. “I went to uh..that support thing this afternoon. And the therapist- she said…she said therapy like- hurts before it helps. Is that…is that true?” He asked. I hummed in understanding, resting my cheek on his chest.

“Yup. It hurts like a bitch to start with. But think of it like…like if you broke a bone and never set it, and it healed that way? You’d have to rebreak it, and the healing process is always worse the second time ‘cause there’s all the scar tissue but it heals way stronger. And you fully know the injury after healing it correctly, so you better know what triggers it and stuff. ” I said, gently running my fingertips along his ribs. His hand found his way under my shirt, rubbing my lower back gently with his palm, before his fingers stopped at the hem of my panties, tucking his the tops in the top of the band without thought.

“Is it even worth it” he asked, gently stretching the elastic hem with his fingers absentmindedly. “Mmhmm..for sure. It’s never linear though, if you press on a scar hard enough even if it’s healed it’ll hurt.” I explained. “So…I’ll never be really happy? Fully anyway…Even if I went through all this therapy shit?” He muttered.

“Happiness also isn’t linear, Carm. No one is happy all the time. But you can be generally happy with your mental state, if you do the work in therapy. And it’s work. It’s like-“ I look up at him and he meets my eyes. “You’re fucking depressed, Carm. I am, we all are in this fucked up world. It’s like…an active effort to be happy, because our default if you’re a good person which you are is…sad. Sad for everything around us. For the shit we have to face. But- we can do things that bring more happiness to our lives, keep people around that make us happier. And it just means when we get down, that when we feel good we’ll be even more grateful and it’ll feel even more magical” I said and kissed his chest gently, resting my cheek back down against his skin and goosebumps raised under my flesh.

“Mm…never thought ‘bout it like that, I guess…” he said quietly, gently squeezing my waist. I found the remote under the hem of the blanket before I turned off the tv, setting the controller down on the nightstand and closing my eyes. I nuzzled into his neck, and brought my hand up to gently play with his curls to help me focus on something so my mind wouldn’t run as I fell asleep. After about 20 minutes of calm silence, when my hand had finally stilled due to sleep taking its toll, I heard him mumble “G’night baby” before reaching down and pulling my thigh up more on his stomach, stroking it tenderly. My hand grazes down his neck, resting over his heart once again “Night, Bear” I said sleepily, a tired smile forming on my lips when I felt his heartbeat quicken beneath my palm.

I was woken up a few hours later to the unfortunately all too familiar stabbing and throbbing pain throughout my entire abdomen, the stabbing pain was nausea inducing- shooting all the way through my back muscles, as well as stomach brutally. I tried for about 20 suffering, agonizing minutes to fall back asleep, before the overwhelming nausea hit me at full force like a freight train, all at once. I threw my duvet back in a panic, Sephy meowing in surprise as she flung off my hip into Carm’s chest as I hopped up. I had barely made it to the toilet bowl, heaving up all we’d eaten together a few hours prior, silently praying I hadn’t woken Carm up in my mad dash to not be sick all over my bedroom floor. He has work early, the last thing he needs is to be woken up.

I wretched violently, my stomach panging throughout my hips and back, everything we’d eaten a few hours ago exiting the exact same way it had went in. The pain in my stomach was heightened due to the sheer force of my heaving and I whimpered pathetically between gags, resting my hot, sweaty forehead on my arm as I swallowed down oxygen after the heaving stopped momentarily. I heard the door creak open, silently willing it to be Persephone’s nosy antics before I heard a raspy, sleep laced voice whisper - “Win? Fuck- are you ok? How can I help?” Carm rushed over and kneeled next to me, rubbing my back soothingly.

“No- p-please- ahh- stop” I gasp at the sharp pain from his simple, light touch “don’t- d-don’t touch me I-it hurts.” I choked out shakily, messily wiping my mouth with a scrunched up bundle of toilet paper and tossing it in the bowl before flushing the toilet, his presence reeling back all the nausea I’d been feeling due to my unending embarrassment of being sick in front of others.

“I’m sorry- I’m so, so sorry- h-how can I help you?” He asked as I gently lowered myself onto the cold tile, crumpling up pathetically in the fetal position as a hot flash took over like it usually did after I threw up, my whole body shivering uncontrollably as I sweat furiously.

“Oh- shit oh my god- d-do you need to go to the hospital what is wrong Winnie?” He pleads, his voice laced with worry.

I groan as my abdomen throbs with a cramp. “C-carmen” I gasp out. “I-it’s my fucking period. You can help me by just shutting up. I can barely think as it is.” I grit out between clenched teeth, eyes screwed shut due to the pain. “Jesus Christ” he muttered. “Please- please- Carmy- please.” I gasp in pain “Get the-the little syringe from m-my” I take a sharp breath at the shooting pain in my back. “The one on your nightstand?” He asked quickly and I nodded weakly, silently thanking god he took notice earlier.

He was back in a few short moments and offered it to me. I took it, putting a large dose under my tongue and whining slightly at the potent, skunky taste. “Here-“ he left the bathroom and came back with my pink Yeti water cup from my nightstand. I shook my head “it has to sit” I mumbled, closing my eyes. He sits down next to me, slowly stroking my hair. “I didn’t know it…T-that it could get this bad.”

I sighed shakily when the pain started to subside due to my heavy dose a few minutes later. “Yup” I mumbled, feeling too exhausted to say anything else. “Does it happen like this every month?” He asked, brushing the hair that had escaped my bun during sleep out of my face.

“Mmhmm” I hum, gently resting my head on his lap, my neck aching from the hard tile. “Well I’m always just across the street if you need help” he said gently. My heart flutters at the kind sentiment. It was a few more minutes before my mind was clear enough from the pain being dulled that I could form my next thought. “you’re a great person, Carm” I said quietly, and he gently stroked my cheek with his knuckle. “I’m glad you think so” he said and I grabbed his hand, gently kissing his tattooed knuckles.

“It’s a fact” I said gently against his fingers and sighed slightly. “Can you help me up so I can brush my teeth?” I asked, pulling myself into a sitting position. He got up swiftly, reaching out a hand and easily pulling me to my feet. “You good?” He asked, running his hand down my arm gently. “I’m good. Go wait for me, I’ll be in in a second” I said, wetting my toothbrush before putting on some toothpaste.

In a few minutes I was headed back in the bedroom, Carm was laid in the bed comfortably. “Hey” he said his eyes flickering open when I came in. I sat down on the bed, laying down and looking at him “would you…wanna do me a little favor?” I asked shyly, my cheeks heating. “ f’course baby, what do you need?” He sits up on his elbow, facing me and watching me closely. “Could you…um..like- can we spoon and could you rub my belly? It…it still hurts some.. and your hands are really warm and stuff” I said quietly, nibbling the inside of my lip. Would that be too intimate for him?

“Ye’ baby, f’course” he laid on his side right away, getting his arm situated under my pillow so it wouldn’t fall asleep. “C’mere.” He opened up his other arm. I gingerly nustled in to him, his large warm palm finding its way under my shirt. “Like this?” He asked softly, rubbing gentle even strokes against my lower tummy. “Mmhmm” I breathe a sigh of relief out of my nose and rest my head back on his shoulder. “Thank you…” I whisper. He kissed my temple “anytime, baby” my eyes fluttered shut, soaking in the feeling of his warmth into my skin. It really was relaxing to my sore muscles, but the intimacy and kindness of the action made it all the more soothing.

I was woken up to the feeling of my Apple Watch buzzing incessently on my wrist

Taylor on stage 2 mins.

The alarm read. I groaned softly, pressing the side button so it would stop before grabbing my phone and swiping it open via face ID. I found TikTok- after turning down my burning brightness, before typing in Tess’ account, and checking the time in the corner of the screen that read 3:58. I yawned tiredly, nestling my hand under the blanket, to find Carm’s warm, large palm still resting comfortably over my tummy. I turned my volume down slightly, watching the screen as Taylor took the stage, hoping she was in the outfit I’d chosen on Swiftball before Carm got here last night.

It was about 3 songs into her 3.5 hour set when Carm’s hand shuffles from beneath mine, reaching up to itch his chin, before rubbing face and he clears his throat, sleepily. “Time is it?” He grumbled tiredly into the back of my neck, his voice deep and thick with sleep. “4:08�� I replied softly, intertwining our fingers when his hand found its way back to its comfortable spot on my lower abdomen. He groaned a bit, tiredly “fuckin’ already? D’you care if I shower honey?” He asked, squeezing my hand gently.

I pouted at the idea of him leaving me cold in the bed so soon. “Why do you have to leave so early, Carmy?” I whined a bit, pulling his arm closer, and cuddling it to the side of my neck. “ ‘cause ‘m the only one signing off on the deliveries, baby.I don’t wanna leave ya’either” he said and kissed my shoulder sweetly. I pouted more “you have a super awesome, capable, smart sister - why don’t you split the days with her?” I asked desperately, and in response- he chuckled into my neck softly. “ ‘cause Sugar has a kid in preschool, and another in daycare- honey.” He replied sweetly.

I sighed dramatically, “Fine, but can you stay just ten more minutes?” I plead and he kissed my jaw sweetly. “Ten, baby- then I’m gettin’ my ass up, deal?” He said and I smiled wide at my small victory, “deal” I kissed his hand sweetly, and he wrapped his other arm around my ribs contently,, pulling me to his chest. “You really woke up this early to watch this?” I felt his smile in the skin of my neck, full of amusement.

“Yes really-” I replied. “Some people in this house have important, pressing matters to attend to this early, like cuddling super hot Italian guys, and watching High Priestess Taylor Swift perform across the Globe.” I teased and he snorted a laugh in the crook of my neck. “Mmm you’re right. This is important business, princess” he kissed the top of my head tenderly before yawning.

“Y’didn’t wake up last night - “ I mentioned gently, “well…other then my fault- sorry ‘bout that again. But…I’m glad you weren’t sick cause of a nightmare or s’mthin” I said quietly, my glance shifting to his hesitantly.

His eyebrows raised in surprise, clearly just noticing himself. “Oh- shit. Yea...Y’re right-. Don’t be sorry, babe- it’s ok” he rubbed my ribs and sweetly and squeezed affirmingly. “Maybe you should sleep over more often,then..” I smiled a bit, leaning in and pecking his lips tenderly. “Maybe I should '' he said softly, brushing his hair from his eyes. “how ‘bout I bring you some lunch, mm’ princess? You’re always comin’ to see me.. I can come to you for once, Y’re workin’ right?” He asked softly and I nodded. “I’m on 11-6. I’d love that, honestly, not much of a selection f’r lunch here to take.” I said with a smile and he nodded a bit.

“What time’s good?” He runs his hand down my side, gently rubbing his palm over my hip before squeezing the flesh gently. “3…maybe 3:30- that seems like our time, yeah?” I smiled and his hand runs down under my bum, cupping the flesh and squeezing a bit.. “I like that. Our time.” He said and my eyes darted to the screen quickly as the Fearless chords started, and Taylor came out in her ‘Fearless’ era outfit.

“Damn it! Fuckin bitch” I mutter to myself, causing him to laugh, his hand travelling back up to my waist. “What did she do to you?!” He questioned “fuckin! I voted that she was gonna wear her gold noodle dress so of course she comes out in the fringe gold one!! I swear I haven’t won Swiftball once” I huffed and he shook his head slightly, laughing at my dramatic reaction. “What in the hell is that?” He asked and I looked back at him “the Swifties! We all make bets on the outfits she wears on stage, and whoever gets the closest wins- like the powerball” I explained and he snorted, shaking his head lightly.

“I gotta shower, angel. You keep tallying up your Taylorball f’r us, mm?” he got up, padding to the bathroom and flicking on the light. “Swiftball!” I called after him, hearing him chuckle as he shut the bathroom door. I laid there for about 10 more minutes watching my phone, before grabbing it and going out into the kitchen. I took out the bear mug for Carmy, and a hello kitty mug for myself, starting his cup first. I remembered how he said he liked it, mixing it together and I heard the bathroom door open just as I was rinsing the spoon in the sink.

I came back, nudging the bedroom door open with my hip, to see him pulling on his loose jeans over his boxers, hair still wet from the shower, a few beads of water dripping down his chest. I could have dropped both the cups at the gorgeous sight in front of me. “Hey” he said pulling me from my dirty thoughts. “You’re too sweet- y’didn’t have to make me coffee” he said and I smiled a bit, padding over carefully and handing him his cup. “Well you don’t have time for breakfast so…guess it’s the next best thing” I put my phone on the bed, carefully sitting down criss cross.

He took a sip, humming in satisfaction “Mm, it’s really good babe, thanks” he set it down on the dresser, pulling a plain white shirt out of his bag that I usually saw him in and smiling a bit to myself as I watched him pull it over his head. “You’re cute” I said softly and he snorted through his nose softly in amusement. “You are sleep deprived from staying up until 1 am, and then waking up at 3 and again at 4 to watch Taylor.” He countered, grabbing his mug and sitting down next to me.

“Oh sure you’re one to talk about sleep deprivation” I teased, grabbing my phone and setting it in my view. “It’s different for me because I’m used to it. It’s just how I operate. I don't need to sleep” he shrugged and I laughed. “Mmm- so not only are you one of the best chefs in the world- you also are the first animal to not need sleep? I really won the genetic lottery with you our kids are gonna be superhero’s” I joked, and he nearly chokes on his coffee.

“You want kids?” He asked, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “I-I mean…maybe? If I’m..able to have them…I have a lot of…plumbing issues I guess” I said, turning my attention back to my cup. “I’d be a horrible father.” He said and I looked back at him, furrowing my brows. “No, you would not be, Carmen. Why do you say that?” I asked and he rolled his eyes. “Please Winnie. One thing at a time. I can’t even imagine myself dating someone on a regular basis…” he said and I felt my cheeks heat, nodding quickly.

“I- I’m sorry it…it was a stupid joke. I probably…I was told it’s like a really slim to none chance I can even have kids, anyways so…” I cleared my throat, biting back the large lump with a sharp, thick swallow. “I’d- I’d probably be a shitty mom anyway” I awkwardly laughed a bit, turning my attention back to the screen and sipping my coffee to ease the tension. “I think you’d be an amazing mom” he said a few moments later, my cheeks getting warmer.

“I’m- I’m too emotional” I mutter, shaking my head and looking down at my cup. “That’s one of my favorite things about you” he said softly and I met his gaze, my fingers tightening around my cup. “What- what is?” I asked softly.

“That you…you just say what it is you’re feeling- even if you’re having like..big feelings, and that you aren’t like..scared? Of how I’ll react? Like you just…you say whatever y’re feelin’.” He admitted, taking another sip from his mug. I shrugged a bit “no use lying about how I feel, or what I want- I’d rather someone just rip the bandaid off and leave if they don’t want the same things before I can get attached to them fully.” I said and he nodded a bit.

“Have you always been like that?” He asked, and I shook my head quickly. “Absolutely not. I used to be the biggest people pleaser. Now I care about myself and my feelings a lot more. Took years of therapy” I said, looking over as Persephone leaped up, and walked over to Carmen’s lap, plopping herself down and purring loudly. “Well hello miss” he said with a smile, scratching her chin and she purred louder causing him to chuckle.

“Y’sound like a lawnmower, cat” he set his cup down to give her his full attention, and she rolled onto her back, stretching and showing off her belly, causing me to giggle. “Why don’t you have a cat?” I questioned and he shrugged, petting her soft chest gently. “I dunno…never really thought about it before. I’m never home I guess, so not really sure it’d be fair” he said and she started licking his finger gently, causing him to gasp lightly and look over to me.

“She’s kissing me” he said giddily, almost giggling as she licked over his tattoos. I felt my heart flutter, feeling so enamored by seeing the softer side of him. “Mmhmm, she thinks you’re her baby I guess, she does it to me too even though I am the mother here” I stroked her tail gently and she looks at me giving a sassy ‘brrrow’ before getting up and settling in to his side, where I couldn’t pet her.

“Wooooow” I laughed. “You takin’ ‘er? Seems like she’s found a new bestie” I joked, causing him to chuckle. “Are you gonna be my new kitchen kitty, Persephone? Mm? I’m sure the customers would love you” he cooed, stroking her back gently. “You’re just too cute- but I gotta get goin’ little fluff, you make it really hard to get outta here I just wanna lay here and cuddle you all day” he tells her sweetly, causing me to smile wide. He would be a fucking amazing dad. He’s so, so sweet when he allows himself to be.

“Wait- already?!” I realized what he’d said and he looked over “ye’ babe m’ sorry. But 3 right? I’ll be by the store for ya’?” He grabbed my hand, bringing it to his lips and kissing my fingers. “Yeah” I said and pouted a bit. “Here let me give you your coffee to go” I leaned over him, pecking his lips before grabbing his half full mug of coffee from the nightstand and heading to the kitchen.

I put it in the microwave so it would be hot for him again, getting out my pale green yeti adorned with different stickers from camping trips and I Sadie had taken, and filling it with the once again steaming coffee, sprinkling a little cinnamon on top before closing the lid and coming back to see he’d already gotten his bag together and was dangling one of Sephys toys chuckling a bit whenever she’d dive up to grab it and miss. “Hey- thanks by the way” he said with a smile, taking the cup when I offered it to him and he flings the mouse he’d been teasing her with in the hallway and she darts after it like a bat out of hell causing him to chuckle lightly.

“I hate that you have to leave so soon” I come and straddle his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and wrapping myself around him like a koala. He chuckled a bit “2 clingy girls in the morning huh?” He teases as Persephone comes back, dropping the mouse at his feet and meowing, begging him to throw it again. “Well when we have the sexiest chef in all of Chicago here, how can we not be?” I kissed him, playing with his damp curls gently.

His hand trailed up the back of my shirt, rubbing over the scar that went down the side of my ribs and hip gently, leaving a warm trail of goosebumps in its wake. I hummed sweetly into the kiss, opening my mouth for him and he took the invitation, our kiss becoming deeper, heavier, hornier. I moaned softly into his mouth allowing his tongue to dominate mine as he reached down and squeezes my ass before pulling away slightly. I open my eyes.

“Why don't you taste like cigarettes?” I asked softly and his brows knitted together for a moment “uh- I- I..dunno? I guess…guess I haven’t smoked since I got here” he said and I smiled a bit. “Hm” was all I said and a grin slowly appeared. “Hm what?” He asked, stroking the sides of my thighs gently with his palms. I shrug, “dunno…just thought you smoked a lot.” I said and he snorts “I do. I go through like…god. I used to be a pack a day but now I’m down to like..half, why? You countin’ for me?” He teased.

“No, but half a pack usually says you’re going out like- mm every other hour? I’ve seen you smoke 3 times, maybe 4. Less then a handful, for sure, cause you look really hot when you do it, so I notice.” I said, playing with the tight curls at the base of his neck gently. “Mm” he hummed, looking at my lips for a moment before leaning in and kissing me again, the sweet, gentle kind of kiss I knew that was going to end with a ‘see you later’ so I tightened my arms around him, dragging it out for as long as I could before he pulled away.

“Baby” he said quiet but stern, resting his forehead on mine. “Yes bear?” I said sweetly, causing his smile to grow. “I have to go, or the delivery guy is gonna leave all our shit in the back.” He said softly and kisses my forehead, lingering for a moment. “I promise yeah? As soon as Syd gets in I’ll make sure she knows she’s gonna be covering for me for lunch.” He said and trailed kisses down my jaw. My stomach tightened at the idea of potentially putting Syd under more stress for my own selfish desires.

“Can’t- w-why can’t sugar?” I asked, my voice trembling a bit as he kissed a particularly sensitive spot below my jaw. He chuckled a bit into my skin, his hot breath causing a fire of goosebumps to trail down my neck. “Because Sug is my books girl, and Syd is my right hand honey. She can handle it, I know she can. C’mon baby, up I’m already 5 minutes behind” he pats my bum.

I sighed softly, getting up and going to my side of the bed, sliding into my slippers and I walked him to the door. Persephone weaves between his legs, plopping down on top of his feet when we stop in the entryway causing him to chuckle. “I’ll be back soon huh snowball?” He leaned down, patting her hip gently. “Take good care of Y’re mom for me if she has any more tummy aches ok?” He told her as he scratched her chin causing me to smile bashfully. “Get over here you big smush” I said and he stood up straight, wrapping his arms around my waist and giving me one final deep juicy goodbye kiss before pulling away. “3pm, I’ll be seein’ you princess.” He affirmed and I nodded, feeling absolutely enchanted by the romance and domesticity of it all. “3” I repeated, opening the door for him.

𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂'𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱.🧸

I practically bounced down the stairs, a small smile on my face. What the fuck was this feeling? I continued asking myself that same question as I fished my cigarettes out of my pocket as well as my lighter, taking a long drag. The light feeling hits my head before I can even slip my lighter into pocket and I exhale, blinking a few times at the sensation.

I’m pretty sure the last time I got a cigarette buzz is that time in New York I was in the hospital for 3 days and they would not allow me out to smoke.

I also can’t remember the last time I woke up feeling like this. I didn’t wake up on my own bullshit last night, instead it was Winnie who needed my help. I actually feel…clear headed again? For the first time since I’d - left…Winnie’s on Saturday.

My heart thumped faster at the realization, why the fuck does she have this effect on me? And why the fuck do I have so many god damn questions this morning? I took another pull of my cigarette, thinking back again to what Winnie said. She remembers what I taste like? I surely remember what she tastes like, I mean- I only fucking imagine it when I’m falling asleep.

I’d never kissed someone as fuckin’ sweet as her before- in every damn way. From her chapstick that somehow managed to always be present, to her gentle, soft lips, the adorable, delectable little noises she makes when I feel her up. I felt my blood rushing the wrong way and my cheeks heated slightly. How fuckin old am I? Jesus Christ getting semi-hard thinking about making out. Get a grip.

I sighed softly to myself, thinking about the prep I needed to get done at the restaurant instead. I need to double check the order, I need to take stock of the back freezer, that’s where I put that purple cabbage- I could do cabbage rolls I’d bet she’d get a kick out of a purple lunch. I shook my head to myself, I can’t even keep my mind off her for two seconds it felt.

I got to the restaurant, just getting the back door unlocked as the delivery driver pounded “sorry- late morning” I muttered as I shoved the door open for him and he goes through to the kitchen, dropping off the boxes at the freezer. “Have a good one” I told him as he passes by with a grunt of acknowledgment, the door swinging behind him and shutting with a slam.

The sound brings my mind back to yesterday, Sydney’s sharp, cutting words before she left my office. “You will have nothing to worry about me, and my interest in your “personal” life - anymore, heard?”

I sighed deeply, leaning against the wall and rubbing my face over roughly. “Fuckin, give me a break. Can I just get a break.” I muttered to myself, shaking my head as I mulled over what I could possibly say to try to convince her outside of being her boss I wasn’t the biggest douchebag to ever walk the face of the planet. Nothing that I threw at the wall seemed to stick, whatsoever. Especially considering Sydney’s responses to my pathetic apology attempts before.

You're right. Your behavior was unacceptable, I’m glad you realize that.

If you don’t wanna be an asshole- don’t be an asshole.

I actually tend to agree- you do overreact and have a horrible temper.

I shook my head, going to the back and changing, leaving my stuff in my locker before coming back out, beginning to put away todays delivery in the fridge and freezer. I got lost in the groove for a while, only being pulled out when I heard the door close and lock again. Fuck. I still have no idea what I’m gonna say to her. I ran a hand through my hair nervously, leaning against the freezer door as I watch my breath in puffs.

I rested my head against the freezer door, tugging at my hair trying to form at least one noteworthy apology I could come up with. What the fuck am I even apologizing for? Like -

‘Hey Syd. Sorry there was a lot of weird sexual tension between us for a few months. I’ve been really horny and frustrated since I moved back from New York, you’re really hot, I’m a manipulative piece of shit- and allowed myself to flirt with you for a while, hard- because I simply wanted to peak my own interest and see if you liked me back. Why? Oh just to stroke my ego! Even though I knew I could never bring myself to jeopardize my friendship with you, or loose the best employee I've ever hired, and likely will ever hire - by a) embarrassing myself with my utter lack of sexual experience, and b) risking the ultimate rejection if you didn’t feel the same - and the worst kind of rejection. Because I’m your fucking MENTOR hitting on my OWN employee and the person who runs ‘HR’ if you were uncomfortable? Oh she just changed my dirty fucking diapers. Totally not a conflict of interest for her on who to side with. Oh! Also- I’m sorry for a few months later- sneaking around your back, and not telling you anything when I started seeing one of your friends- even though we were good friends that told eachother mostly everything just a few weeks before I met her- before I went and fucked it up like everything else of course. Oh!!! and this is all to say- I really want to continue what I had goin’ this morning with said friend of yours, would you mind maybe…staying here for me? handling everything by yourself for an hour while I *hopefully* go get laid later pretty please?”

“Chef? You here?” Her voice pulls me from my thoughts. I took a deep breath, grabbing my clipboard from the box I’d left it “ye sorry” I said pulling open the door, “the uh- finishin’ the inventory.” I muttered, heading over to the mobile order tablet to see if we had any preorders to fill. “I’m um- about…about yesterday” I looked at her.

“I’m sorry” I said evenly, “I uh- I’m…I’m sorry. Im sorry for being such a fuckin’ dick lately. I deserved it.” I said she she was a bit taken aback by my apology, something that wasn’t too common coming from me- verbally anyway.

“Uh…” she blinked a few times. “Yea- yeah. Thank you.” She said, nodding a bit. I sighed a bit, closing my eyes and shaking my head “do you- d’you think you can uh…cover? For me? Today. From 3 to like..probably 4ish” I look at her and she rolls her eyes lightly. “Just know if you hurt her. I’ll know. I’m always watching. Yes. I’ll cover for you. If you bring this” she digs around in her bag, handing over a black dress “back to her so I don’t have to make the extra trip. Tell ‘er thanks again. And also- I want my Prada heels back, I’ve been asking about them for like 3 weeks now and she told me she was holding them ransom until she got this back.” She headed to the back to get changed.

I held the dress up, looking at it and smiling softly, shaking my head. I went to the office, dropping the dress off in my backpack and seeing a bright green sticky stuck to the side of the desk when I bent over. I grab it, standing up and reading over the note, a large goofy grin taking over my features and blushed, snorting through my nose at the little hearts drawn over the I’s

You are one sexiii lil’ Italian hunk. Xoxo - ur secret admirer ;)

I admired her handwriting for a moment, memorizing the details of each little letter. Storing a mental snapshot of it in the back of my mind. I took a tack, sticking it to my little post board that was covered in old notices and bills for the restaurant as well as well past to-do lists, and smiled realizing it was the only splash of color on the board.

I slip my phone out of my pocket to text her, and see she’d sent me a video as well as a message. I sat down in my desk chair, clicking it open.

She has NOT stopped - she misses her new bestie 🥺

I clicked open the video, to see Winnie’s freckled legs splayed on the couch in front of her as she zooms into the front door, where Persephone sat splat in the middle of the hallway, howling.

“Baaaby girl!!” Her sweet voice cooed, bringing a smile to my face instantly “he had to go to works! He can’t stay home with Mama and play mousey all day with the kittens!” she explained to her, to which the fluffball turned around, meowing in her direction. God, the way she talks to her is so fuckin’ cute.

“He is a busy important man baby,” she said as the cat pranced over to her, standing on her hind legs and sniffing the camera. “Awww you givin ‘em kisses? That's so sweet my little angel, I miss his kisses too” she said, my cheeks heating and I bit my lip to contain my grin.

“okay you’ve told him how much you miss him and given more kisses- he’s got the coolest restaurant in Chi-town to run, now say bye-bye!” She giggled and the video ended. I sat back in my chair, playing the video twice more over just to hear her voice for a little longer before replying.

Tell her mamas ‘sexiii little Italian hunk’ can be back for snuggles at 11, if mommy is ok with that, that is 😉

I hit send before I could think about it, mulling over the words she’d told me this morning.

No use in lying about what I want.

I left my phone on the desk, knowing I’d be tempted to pull it out any time I got some random notification from my email or news app to see if she’d texted, and headed back out to the kitchen with the mug she’d lent me, taking a sip and setting it next to the preorder till, scrolling through and accepting the orders for the day.

Sydney was over at her station next to me, chopping grapes for the welcome broth, looking over when I set the mug down. “Is that-“ she said and I looked up from the tablet, seeing her staring at the mug. “Dude.” She looks at me, heat finding its way back to my cheeks. “I don’t even know why I’m worried about her. You’re the one that’s gonna be getting yourself hurt here.” She shook her head, smiling dryly to herself as she went back to cutting the grapes into even fourths.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, the statement coming out a bit more defensive then I’d meant it to. “It means - I know you, Carm. And this is the same bullshit that happened with Claire.” She said matter-of-factly. I scoffed slightly, “she is not fucking Claire. You should know that, better than anyone else.” I rolled my eyes slightly at the mere idea anyone could ever compare the 2 of them.

“I know she’s not Claire. But I know who you are, Carmen. And the second you fuck up here, a fuckup you can’t just scramble and fix? You’re gonna blame her. And guess what?” She sets her knife down. “Just like you did with Claire, you’re gonna run away- but this time, instead of having Winnie fall to your feet like Claire did, begging for you to be with her, Winnie is going to drop you and cut you out faster than you can even imagine. She doesn’t fuck around with people who can’t appreciate her anymore.” She pushed the grapes into the bowl and wiped down her board with a kitchen towel.

“She’s different though, Syd, that’s why I don’t feel like running. It’s honestly…” I shook my head, turning my attention back to the till to avoid her gaze. “It’s fucking terrifying.” I said quietly, rubbing my wrist nervously. “I’m…I’m gonna try. Okay?” I looked at her and she nodded slightly, but the look behind her eyes said she didn’t believe it.

“Give it your best,” she turned her attention back to the garlic she was now mincing. “I also don’t even think you really know what you’re getting into, but hey-” She shrugged curtly “you’re the boss, right” she said, and I felt my chest tighten. This entire situation was becoming more, and more difficult to navigate as it became more intense due to the simple fact my right fuckin hand isn’t wanting to cooperate.

Syd is my emotional rock at work- which was essentially my entire life, so the way she is refusing to guide me is going to cause this to end up crashing and burning, horribly.

“Jesus Syd. Will you cut the bullshit. Fuckin- when have I ever thrown that shit in your face?! I respect you, Sydney. I respect the work you do here, and even more I respect you as a fucking friend. Yes, I am a fuckin’ jagoff a lot of the time. I have a short fucking temper, I take it out on you- be-because I” she stared at me, silently waiting for me to finish.

I swallowed thickly, closing my eyes and reeling the words I really wanted to tell her back down my throat. One night with Winnie was fantastic, but it wasn’t so emotionally unveiling that I’d admit to one of my closest friends that I love having her in my life and genuinely believe her advice.

“Because- I know…I know you are better then I am, Syd. I see so fucking much in you. I’m harder on you then any other person, because I know you could do this better than I could. And I…I know I’m a fuckin’ mule when it comes to advice about the restaurant but- in life? With..like being a fuckin’ friend and shit? Y’know…like…being- being a whole person.” My voice trailed off at the end and she stares at me, jaw slightly open.

“Uh…” she said softly, blinking a few times, “thank- thank you. Thank you. For the apology” she went back to mincing the garlic and my eyebrows furrowed. “Apology?” I asked. “The first real apology you’ve ever given me. That is how you apologize, you know that, right? You stated the behavior, admitted you know it was wrong, agreed you were acting shitty, were honest about why you act the way you do, and affirmed me that I do mean something in your life” she said, scraping the garlic into the bowl with her knife.

“There’s a structural way to give an apology?” I questioned, taking another sip of coffee that was still nice and hot due to the travel mug it was in, I’d need to get one of these for myself. She snorted at my response, a smile finally coming to her face. “You have a lot to learn from Winnie. Shes gonna therapy your ass out. Maybe this is a good thing, she can teach you somethin’ “ she took the bowl, heading over to the stoves where a large pot she’d set out was waiting for her.

“Yup..she’s already started, you can probably tell though” I began taping up the first orders of the day for Ebra at the order prep station. “You think I can’t tell?” She asked and I smiled a bit, looking back at her. “What? Am I that juvenile that you can tell when I have a crush?” I joked and she laughed a bit. “Well, yes. But also- I don’t think I’ve ever seen you without dark circles. You’ve clearly been sleeping better since you started seeing her.” She poured in the onions she’d been chopping before I came in into the hot pot, beginning to sauté them with a wooden spoon.

“Have you slept over her house? I swear she has like…” I smiled a bit, taping up the last order up on the metal shelf “a fuckin’ method for going to bed dude. Like- she has this..this-“ “noise machine” we said at the same time and she giggled a bit. “I’ve had many sleepovers there. She’s high maintenance with her bedtime routine.” She said and I snort. “Routine” I muttered, walking over to the ice machine and checking the log to be sure Richie cleaned it as promised.

“That’s probably why you can’t sleep- what do you do before bed usually?” She asked, pouring in the grapes and garlic to cook down when the onions were soft enough. “Uhhh” I think for a moment. “Well- I get home. Shower. Eat a sandwich, then turn on some cooking show and pass out on the couch before the first commercial” I headed back to the fridge to grab a few loaves of dough out for Marcus that I knew he’d be needing when he got in. “That’s the reason, and you wonder why your back is totally fucked” she called after me. I came back with the dough “no, not really. Just like to complain” I teased, setting the dough down on his station for him so it would proof before he got in.

I wasn’t able to get back to the office to grab my phone and cigarettes until around one, leaning against the wall and lighting it before taking out my phone to see a text from Winnie that had been timestamped at 9:50.

This mamas will take a sexy Italian hunk in her bed any night of the week 😚

I smiled, shaking my head amusedly and sending a response.

What r we feelin for lunch today?

It wasn’t more than a few minutes of leaning against the brick, thinking about the prep I needed to finish for next rush, before my phone buzzed against my leg again. I fished it out of my pocket, clicking on the text icon.

I’m SO glad you asked. I've been stalking your menu online all day- I wanna try the chicken picatta, but can you do pasta + extra garlic in it for meeee 🥹?

I smiled at the choice of emoji, texting back with my thumb quickly.

Gotchu babe

I finished my cigarette, sliding my phone in my pocket and stepping out the butt before heading back inside.

At around 2:30 I started making our lunch, “did I miss a ticket Chef?” Ebra asked, watching as I dropped the pasta in the boiling water. “No- no. All good Ebra keep up your pace. This is f’r me and a…a friend” I mixed it around with the spoon before grabbing 2 to go containers for us.

“You’ve been seeing your friend a lot ‘eh?” He smiled a bit, continuing to braise the short rib order he was working on. “I have” I nodded, setting the containers down next to my station on the counter. “She’s uh…a good person to be around.” I said adding the lemon in to the sauce. “You seem…more pleasant.” He said, causing me to chuckle. “Y’sayin im an asshole most the time?” I teased and he shook his head with a small smile. “Some of the time, but less of the time since your…friend.” He said and plated the order, calling it out as he slid it down for the servers. By the time I’d packed up our lunch, and made it back to the office it was 2:54, perfect timing. I put on my jacket, stuffing my cigarettes and lighter in my pocket and headed to the bookstore.

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

“No no I think we have to flip it” Sadie said and I gasped, “you are so so fucking smart oh my god the biggest brain ever!!” I laughed, turning my phone back around the right way and screenshotting the photo of the cryptic, scrambled, backwards looking letters Taylor had posted on TikTok. The store was empty, had been for the past hour. The gloomy day out wasn’t helping the case of any possible tourists wandering, or our regulars stopping by.

“Oh my god shut up” I gasped as I read it “stop!! Evermore and Folklores triplet!” I squealed happily, patting her arm quickly in excitement. “Bitch. Oh my god this is insane” she shook her head in disbelief, a wide smile as she hovered over my shoulder reading along as I swiped the next one, doing the same process of screenshotting before flipping the image.

The bell above the door dinged and we both looked up Simultaneously, “Carm!” I said, hopping off the stool and bouncing over excitedly to give him a big hug. I nuzzled my face in his neck, wrapping my arms around his broad shoulders kissing his exposed skin gently. “Hey Win” he said softly, rubbing my back gently. I crane my neck up at his towering frame, looking at him with a large smile “guess what” I said excitedly.

“What?” He asked with an amused smile, looking down at me adoringly. “Taylor posted new fuckin’ lyrics!! And they’re SO sad!! C’mon-“ I took his hand, lacing our fingers together swiftly. I look over my shoulder as we passed the font counter “Takin’ lunch- if I go over 30 and it gets busy, come get me” I told Sadie. “ Doubt it’ll get busy this time of fay, Have funnn” she said in a sing-song voice, wiggling her eyebrows and I rolled my eyes playfully, dragging him to the back office and shutting the door.

“Hey” I smiled and he put the brown paper bag on the desk, wrapping his strong, calloused hands around my waist. “Hey baby” he leaned in, kissing me sweetly and cupping my cheek. My heart warmed at the gentle gesture, relishing in the feeling of his rough skin and gently resting my hand atop of his much larger one, curling my fingers against his palm. My eyes fluttered open when he pulled away, and I kissed along his jaw gently. “How’s work?” I ask softly, wrapping my arms around his shoulders loosely as I pepper him in sweet gentle kisses.

“It’s goin’ ” he ran his hands down to my bum and squeezed, causing me to smile into his skin, and gently graze the corner of his jaw with my teeth, nipping playfully. He hummed “you need to behave yourself- your friends out there baby” he said quietly as to not alert her, slipping his hands into my back pockets, his thumbs hanging in the back belt loops of my jeans.

“Who said I’m not behaving?” I whispered in his ear and gently tugged the lobe with my teeth. He inhales deeply. “It’s time to eat” he took his hands out of my pockets, spanking me with his left hand lightly but sharp, causing me to giggle. “Someone’s in a mood today” I teased, grabbing the bag and plopping on the couch in the corner.

“A mood” he repeated with a smile, sitting down next to me. I crossed my legs over one another casually, taking out one of the two boxes from the bag and handing it over to him. “A bossy mood” I said teasingly, taking out my own box and dumping the remaining silverware and napkins out of the bag into my lap, handing him one of the little plastic pouches as well as half the napkins.

“Mmm…you say bossy, I say time conscious” he countered and I snorted lightly opening up my white styrofoam container. “ooooo” I said excitedly at the look and smell, looking over at him, beaming in admiration. “it looks soo good Carmy, you spoil me. Thank you, truly. This is so much better then anything I ever could’ve brought.” I leaned over, pecking his lips gently and he smiled

“Any time babe it’s nothin crazy, just my job” he said and I opened my silverware, pulling out the plastic fork. I said a silent ‘please let this look kinda normal?’ Prayer, before cutting up my chicken. “You’re the best at your job.” I said, huffing slightly when the pieces came out absolutely mangled.

He laughed “babe- what the fuck are you doing to that chicken?” He asked and I blushed slightly, pouting out my lip and looking over to him. “Stooooppp” I whine. “I hate cutting food. I always fuck it up it looks like a fuckin’ kid did it” I said, twirling up a piece of chicken defeatedly with some of the pasta underneath. “It’s not that hard honey, I can teach you if you want” he said and I rolled my eyes, taking a bite.

I hummed happily at the lemon, garlic, herby goodness dancing over my tongue, and rested my head back on the couch, closing my eyes. “fuck. Oh my god Carm.” I look at him “this is amazing” I said and he chuckled. “Say say that every time I make you something.” He said and I shook my head, going in for another bite.

When we had finished eating about 15 or so minutes later, and it wasn’t long after that before I was straddling his lap, and we were heavily feeling eachother up as we exchanged needy, sloppy kisses. I gently tugged on his curls, whimpering softly as he slowly ran his tongue against mine. I felt his hand on the back of my head, pulling me in to kiss me harder. My grip on his hair tightened, pulling a bit harder earning a moan into my mouth that caused me to smile against his lips.

I hummed against him gently, moving my tongue against his, fighting for control. After about a minute or so, he finally let me have what I wanted. I pressed my chest against his, feeling his hands slowly travel up to my hair, playing with the ends gently hesitantly. I ran my tongue against his, thinking about the interesting taste of the lingering tastes on his tongue and trying to decipher them.

Cigarettes- obviously, lemon, garlic…maybe cape- my thoughts are quickly interrupted with the feeling of his large hand gripping the base of my neck, his fingers intertwining between large strands of my hair and a sharp pull, causing our lips to suddenly disconnect, a short gasp leaving my lips at the demanding action.

A small string of saliva connected us for a moment before his tongue darted out over his nearly kiss-bruised lips. “What you said this morning about…about saying what you want” he said softly, his voice husky and low.

I nodded quickly, my core twitching and throbbing, imagining what he was going to say next. I would do absolutely anything he asked. I needed him so intensely at the current moment, that I was nearly sure I would have to change my tampon again from my gushing arousal when he eventually had to go.

“I-“ he took a sharp, quivering breath as I grind against his crotch with an achingly slow, hard circular movement of my hips, kissing and nipping his neck gently, I could tell the friction was driving him insane.

“Fuck- I-I want you to suck my cock, h-here. Now. Right now” he said, his voice needy and breathy. I bit my lip to contain a grin. “Yeah? Sure baby, I’d love to” I grabbed a pillow without another thought, plopping it on the floor in front of his feet and getting on my knees, tying my long auburn hair back swiftly into a low bun with the hair tie I kept on my wrist for emergencies.

I gently stroked his thighs, looking up at him intently. I felt the anxiety radiating off of him, even among the thick tension of desire that was lining the room. “ ‘s ok, baby, Sadie won’t come back here unless the building is literally on fire.” I affirmed gently, feeling him slightly relax a bit under my slow, steady strokes up and down the length of his muscular thighs.

“Y’re so fuckin’ beautiful, honey. Fuck. Y’re so fuckin perfect.” He muttered, I bit my lip gently, tightening my thighs together to try and gain some friction that would ease the ache in my core. “May I?” I asked gently, my hand finding his belt buckle as I wouldn’t tear my eyes from his locked gaze and tugging gently.

“Do whatever, baby, please.” He gently brushed my fringe from my eyes gently, running his hand back behind my head, lacing his fingers into my hair firmly. My eyes flicked to his belt buckle, my fingers trembling slightly in anticipation as I slipped the leather free, the light jingle of the metal causing my throat to bob in a thick swallow.

I wondered what his belt would feel like if he spanked me with it, if he would leave marks if I asked him to...

I gently undid the button of his pants with light hands, my eyes trailing down, admiring his frame, landing on his abdomen. I slid my hands up his thighs achingly slowly, pushing up the hem of his white shirt with my thumbs, exposing his chiseled stomach. With gentle fingers, I led teasing strokes up his v line gently with the pads of my silky digits. I felt goosebumps rise under my touch, a small smirk gracing my features. “y’know what’d be so fuckin’ sexy, baby? Like…it’d make me insane?” I asked in a sultry tone.

My gaze didn’t break his as I pushed his shirt higher, exposing his abs and leaning down, licking a thick, hot stripe along the chizled line. I felt his stomach muscles tightening under my tongue gently, and he let out a soft whimper. “W-what baby?” He questioned, tugging on my hair gently. My eyes flicker up to his, a frisky smile on my lips.

“It would be so fucking sexy if you had hip tattoos” my fingers brush along his hip bones before leaning down and leaving a trail of kisses over each hip. His breathing got heavier beneath my touch, my hand trailing up and brushing over his abs.

I kept my eyes locked on his as I raked my nails lightly over his muscular torso causing him to shiver slightly, adorable. I planted an open mouth kiss right below his navel. “F-fuck- I’ll think ‘bout it babe, c’mon, it’s 3:29” he said, glancing at the clock and I giggled, amused at his obsession with keeping time.

“Soo bossy” I hummed, “you need to close your eyes, and trust me. I promise, here” I set my phone next to me “I’ll keep track of time, let me help you relax baby” I kissed his hip tenderly. He nodded a bit, resting his head back and closing his eyes.

“I usually wouldn’t ask- but please” be quiet.” I said, reaching my hand in his boxers and pulling his hard length free of the fabric, pushing his chefs slacks down out of my way as much as I could. He snorted, looking down at me. “Y’know, I could easily revert to my old ways and say nothing when I fuck you, would you rather that?” I raised my eyebrows in surprise, a smirk coming to my face.

“I love this new attitude you’ve taken on, Bear” I licked a hot wet stripe with the pad of my tongue from the base vein of his thick member to the tip and his head dropped back, blue eyes fluttering shut in bliss. “Y’re so fuckin’ good at that” he muttered. “You have such a nice cock” I said quietly, admiring it in my hand before taking the tip in my mouth and humming at the salty, slightly bitter taste of his precum coating my tongue.

His hand finds the back of my head again and he pushes firm but not harsh, causing me to sink down a good three inches “there” he breathed out. I stroked the bottom third firmly as he liked, starting a good rhythm as I bobbed my head up and down. I hollowed out my cheeks, earning a soft grunt from him.

I looked up at him through my eyelashes, his head was fallen back on the couch, the veins in his neck bulging with pleasure, jaw tight, breathing rigid. I quickened the pace with my hand, along with my mouth and he tugs his bottom between his lip hotly, eyes screwed shut. My other hand trails up his abdomen, tracing the curve of the hard muscle beneath my skin.

His muscles twitched and contracted beneath my gentle touch, taking a sharp breath as I came up and flicked my tongue quickly over his tip and I felt his cock twitch in my hand. I gently pump him, twisting my hand slightly around his length with the firm grip he preferred, removing my mouth from him. “Carmy” I said softly, my hand splaying over his tight stomach and rubbing strokes back and forth over his hips.

His eyes fluttered open and he looked down at me, gasping lightly at the sight. My lips were no doubt swollen and glistening with saliva. “I want you to look at me when you cum, I think it’s hot” I said and he swallowed thickly, nodding a bit “yeah baby… I gotchu” he said and I smiled a bit, looking up at him through my eyelashes as I took his tip in my mouth.

I slowly sank down to meet my hand half way, working my tongue around his length as I hollowed my cheeks. “Y’re so fuckin’ pretty on your knees f’me baby” he said softly, stroking the back of my head with his thumb gently.

My core throbs, aching in desire with the added praise. But in my current condition I’d never let him do anything with me, I’d rather just handle it on my own at home. I could not wait to get home after this was over to get some relief.

I felt his length twitching and tightening in my mouth around my tongue, I lick a hot wet stripe up to his tip, flicking my tongue over the sensitive pink as I worked my hand in a way that made his stomach clench and his hand that wasn’t in my hair was holding a white knuckled grip on the cushion next to him.

“Fuck, fuck thats it- good fuckin’ girl” he grunted out as he shot thick white stripes of pleasure all the way to the back of my tongue. I hum in satisfaction at the taste and watch as his head falls back, eyes fluttering shut as he pants. I swallowed the hot salty liquid, gently fixing his pants and buttoning them as he caught his breath.

He continues to watch me, cheeks flushed and pink, pupils blown wide with pleasure, chest rising and falling softly. “Y’re fuckin’ amazing y’know that, right baby?” He asked and I smile proudly, plopping in his lap and wrapping my arms around his neck loosely.

“So I’ve heard” I joked and he leaned in, kissing me passionately. He hums gently at the taste of himself on my tongue, I smiled into the kiss, playing with his curls gently that were now slightly damp with sweat from the encounter. When he pulled away he gazes up at me.

“Y’don’t have to swallow that shit, tasted awful” he said and I slap his chest playfully “does not! Your cum doesn’t taste bad, it’s one of the better I’ve tried actually” I said with a giggle and he rolls his eyes, shaking his head playfully. “You are somethin’ “ he tucks my hair behind my ear, smoothing out the back where he’d no doubt made a mess of it.

I reach up, tugging the bun free and putting the hair tie back on my wrist. “I could say the same thing about you, never had a guy willingly kiss me after I blew him.” I leaned in to his chest. He scrunched his eyebrows a bit, “really?” He asked and I nod a bit “mmhmm” I hummed. “Why?” He asked and I shrug a bit. “ ‘dunno. The only guy I asked just said it was disgusting but it comes from your body so..and I think it’s hot.” I said.

“Those guys sound like total pussys.” He said, smiling slightly and pulling me in for another kiss. Were interrupted by his phone ringing and he pulled away slightly, grabbing it from his jacket pocket.

“Shit” he muttered to himself “hold on honey, I have to take this- it’s Syd” he clicked the answer button and held the phone up to his ear, since we were so close I could hear exactly what was being said.

Carm? Hey.. uhh- ok so d’you know that like cater order that was placed yesterday on ubereats?

She sounded very nervous.

“Yeah- everything is prepped and set, all we had to do was warm it up. It should've been gone 45 minutes ago. What’s wrong” he demands.

So like- I went on the tablet to check on it like to- to double check everything while it was heating up and I realized that it said it was canceled? And so.. so I was like that’s not right and I called the customer and asked if she canceled it and she got so so pissed like she starts screaming saying how this is for a business conference a-and I can’t.. I can’t get ahold of the people at Uber- I’m fucking up- I’m fucking it all up Carmen.

He closes his eyes as she rambles on, taking a deep breath and rubbing over his face roughly as he thinks. “I’m on my way back, go in the fuckin’ office and take a breather. Someone fucked up but it wasn’t you.” I got off of his lap and smooth down my hair quickly, gathering the trash to throw away while he finished the conversation. “I’m sorry baby” he told me when he hung up.

I shake my head slightly “No! No need to be sorry babe- Go be the boss, Syd needs you, are you coming over tonight?” I asked hopefully and he smiled slightly, putting his phone in his pocket “I can if that’s what Persephone wants” he teased and I rolled my eyes with a smile, walking up and wrapping my arms around his middle.

“Well I guess it’s settled then, I was afraid she was gonna wake up the baby a few doors down” I giggle and he chuckled a bit, leaning down and kissing my lips sweetly. “I’ll be in around 12 or 1 cause a’this, that alright?” He asked and I nodded. “See you then, good luck” I said and he kissed my forehead sweetly before heading back to The Bear.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

#the bear fic #carmen berzatto #carmen berzatto fanfiction #the bear fx #the bear hulu #carmen berzatto fluff #carmy berzatto #carmy berzatto fanfiction #carmen berzatto smut #the bear fanfiction #carmy the bear #carmy x oc #carmen x oc #carmy berzatto x oc #carmen berzatto x oc

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ofliterarynature · 1 month

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FEBRUARY 2024 WRAP UP

[loved liked ok nope dnf (reread) book club*]

The Djinn Waits a Hundred Years • The Memory Librarian • Pixels of You* • Arch-Enemies • Moby Dyke • Pip Bartlett’s Guide to Magical Creatures • A Sinister Revenge • Lud in the Mist • Crying in H Mart • Something Close to Magic • Hula • (Renegades) • The Divorce Colony • Foundryside • Earthlings • A Far Wilder Magic

total: 13 books (12 audiobook, 1 print)

Not as many books this month! And not just because February has fewer days, I was really in a funk this month and struggling to pay attention to my audiobooks (and enjoy them). You wouldn't think there's such a thing as too many books, but I think the overtime hours at work are hitting their peak mental health destruction. Here's to hoping things improve in March!

The Divorce Colony (4.5 stars) - genuinely can't believe this was my 3rd nonfic of the year already! I picked a print copy of this up at a library sale in December after hearing about divorce colonies in the early 20th century on a recent episode of the 99% Invisible podcast. Turns out this book was actually about the beginning of the moment that took place in Sioux Falls, South Dakota in the 1800's. Western states had shorter residency periods and less strict divorce laws, so women (and the occasional man) would travel west and live there for several months in order to obtain a divorce. This book tracks the movement through the stories of 4 of the more infamous cases to make the papers, and does an incredible job of weaving in the surrounding political and religious discussions. Would recommend, and has a great cover to boot!

Renegades (3 stars) - a reread, and for some reason it was torture. I originally read this back in 2018 and loved it, and wanted to tackle it again and actually finish the rest of the series. But I kept getting worked up and frustrated this time around! It kept trying to take itself seriously while also being very YA and kind of superhero-camp, and I was absolutely overthinking it lol. I found the strength to press on into book two, Archenemies (3.5 stars). I liked it a bit more! Something about it being new, the story being a bit more settled and maybe getting a better grasp on its message/politics, the characters growing more, me figuring out that I shouldn't listen to the audiobook for more than an hour or so at a time, lmao. Not great, but fun, and possibly worth reading? I'll keep y'all updated when I finish book 3.

Hula (5 stars) - incredible. Part generational family story, part history, part discussion of what it means to be Hawaiian, culturally and legally. Not always the easiest of reads, but it was so so worth it. It was also doing something very interesting with parts of the narration voiced by a collective "we" (culture/community?) that I would love to get a look at in print. Highly recommend, I'll definitely be getting myself a copy.

Something Close to Magic (4.5 stars) - an absolute delight! The Gail Carson Levine comp on this one is not entirely unearned, anyone who's a fan of fairy tale type fantasies will enjoy this, I had a great time! Very interestingly, it has characters who are in their mid to late teens, but is written in a way where they're still allowed to be young, to the point I'm surprised it didn't get shoehorned into MG instead of YA. If the author writes any more of these I'd be happy to read them.

Crying in H Mart (3.5 stars) - nonfic number 4! I'm sure everyone's heard of this one by now, which is why I finally picked it up. It's fine (which is why it got an extra .5 star), but on the scale of take it or leave it, I'd leave it. It just wasn't for me and I kind of wish I'd dnf'd it. A great cover though.

Lud-in-the-Mist (3.5 stars) - this one seems to be considered a sort of early precursor to fantasy and fairy tale type stories from the early 20th century, and I was eager to try it! While I definitely don't think it would feel out of place amongst it's more recent fellows (think the Last Unicorn, Robin McKinley, DWJ, etc), I absolutely could not get into it. Probably the chief recipient of "my brain doesn't want to cooperate, sorry," so maybe I'll give it another shot someday.

A Sinister Revenge (4 stars) - enjoyable as always! Not to hide this deep in my reviews or anything, but have the Emily Wilde people tried Veronica Speedwell yet?

Pip Bartlett's Guide to Magical Creatures (3 stars) - This one's been sitting unread on my shelf for a while, and since I was on a bit of a Maggie Stiefvater run, I figured it was perfect! Well. Unless you are like 7, this was so bad. Not good. Having previously read and not liked a book by Maggie's co-author Jackson Pearce, I think it would not be unreasonable for me to assume she did most of the writing while Maggie did the illustrations - if the audiobook had been any longer than 4 hours I'd have absolutely DNF'd it, and I have no intention of continuing the series.

Moby Dyke: An Obsessive Quest to Track Down the Last Remaining Lesbian Bars in the Country (4.5 stars) - part of me was wondering what I was doing trying this lol, not being someone who drinks or goes to bars, OR, as previously mentioned, is not the biggest fan of memoirs. It was not, as I hoped, also part research project, but it is a travelogue, and as a consequence has a strong narrative thread. It also has a lot of discussions about issues in the LGBTQ+ community, and overall I really liked it once I figured out what it was doing!

Pixels of You (3.5 stars) - a very short sapphic rivals-to friends-to lovers graphic novel about a human-form AI and a human with an android eye competing for a photography internship at an art gallery. The creators clearly put SO much thought into their characters and worldbuilding, but sadly there is nowhere near enough length here to do it all justice, and a number of elements felt very odd or under explored. The relationship parts are great! I just think this needed to be twice as long to really given everything its due, or maybe explored in prose instead.

The Memory Librarian (3.5 stars) - to start, I know nothing about the musical album this is related to, so I don't know how much that might have affected my reading. Overall I wasn't super impressed - when I discovered that the first story was cowritten by Alaya Dawn Johnson - no shade to her - I almost dropped it then, I just really didn't like her writing style in the one book I've read. But I stuck through it. Of the five stories, only one really stuck in my mind - Nevermind, cowritten by Danny Lore, which I could have read an entire novel about. I wish I could recommend it on its own, but overall I just don't quite understand the world Monae has created.

The Djinn Waits a Hundred Years (3.5 stars) - I probably should say more about the book, it was fine, I was surprised to find that it's set in relatively current day, I found myself a lot more interested in the second narrative about the house's history, which did make me cry a bit. Mostly though, I really just want to let you know how MUCH of a non-entity the djinn was in this story, I have no idea why it was there and why it was included in the title of the book. All the author had to do was make the house a little more sentient and haunted and it would be fine, idk. Read it if you want, but it's not one I would rec.

DNF'S

Foundryside - I was so ready. I had the first two audiobooks checked out, I had the third one on hold. I started this but oh, the writing. bleh. I was looking thought reviews and someone referred to it as something like "21st century internet speak." In a high fantasy novel. I noped out at just 10%.

Earthlings - I've considered the author's other book before but haven't read it, but thought maybe a sci-fic book would work better for me? The beginning was odd but not uninteresting, and I might have continued if it had stayed that way. But then the main character was in school(?) and her teacher started getting handsy after class and I wasn't invested enough to stick it out.

A Far Wilder Magic - the success of Something Close to Magic made me a little too hopeful I think, bc while I'm still a little leery around YA, I know people have liked this. And it sounded interesting, truly, and I love the cover. But first it was the religion stuff. And I didn't really like the characters. Then it's like, oh, this is the same plot as The Scorpio Races, but nowhere near it's quality in any shape or form. I decided to stop while I was ahead, before I started to actually dislike it. (anyway here's your PSA to go read The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater, I recommend doing it in October if you can).

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thegeminisage · 7 months

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star trek: the motion picture rewrite

star trek the motion picture was bad so i'm fixing it. here's how

problem #1: everybody got interesting setups and nobody got any payoffs.

problem #2: ilia and decker were just not that interesting (sorry ilia and decker) and they either needed to be more interesting or have less screen time or both.

problem #3: it took more than half the film for the enterprise to even leave earth. this seems like poor pacing, which the overall film also suffers from.

problem #4: those damn 20-minute cgi scenery sequences. enough is enough.

sorry in advance but this post won't make much sense if you haven't seen the first star trek movie, "star trek: the motion picture." i don't have the time or patience to re-explain the entire plot! the novelization also ties into this but i do explain some of that.

MAIN PLOT

it wasn't a GREAT plot but i'm keeping it mostly the same, except a few changes:

the enterprise leaves much earlier in the film. all the interpersonal drama can happen ON THE WAY to v'ger and it would make very little difference to the main script and series of events, but the reminds that they're only x hours away from interception would help keep things tense and moving along. also, it would get spock in here earlier. we went a LONG time without seeing him.

the engines can still fail at the outset and get fixed by spock, but it's kind of weird that he shows up out of nowhere. i would change this to kirk leaving him messages - and spock finally answering at the exact right moment (more on this in spock's section)

less of those long cgi sequences, obviously. the enterprise deserves all the fanfare in the world but we do have other stuff to do. maybe we can learn a little about v'ger through the ilia-probe in bits and pieces before we get there rather than learning all at once at the end - the book sort of did that and it was better. but i think we just need to cut them to allow time for a LITTLE more interpersonal drama - the balance of interpersonal stuff to plot stuff was WAY off, even after you consider how the tos episodes are somtimes

i don't think decker should fuck the probe.

the book and movie seem to disagree on whether the ilia-probe really "is" ilia or a very convincing copy. i think we would do better to leave it open, as scifi so often is, because both answers feel slightly wrong to me

kirk just taking the ship at the end and going "ok thattaway" was heartwarming but lacks any semblance of logic. rather than beaming down to debrief, though - in case they don't let him go back up - i'd like to see him doing a power move where the required personnel for his debrief come to HIM. and THEN when the dust clears he can go "thattaway"

CHARACTER ARC: KIRK

there's a lot more on this in the book than the movie, but kirk begins this story three years post his five year journey. in the movie he's framed as "washed up" but the book sometimes implies he's "damaged." starfleet offered him the promotion to admiral to keep him out of space because his was the first ship to come back relatively intact after a five-year and they're using him as a poster boy for their pro-space propaganda. (kirk wholly disagrees with "intact"; he lost a total of 94 crew members over those five years and objects strongly to his new legendary fame.) it's worth noting that bones begged him NOT to take the promotion and he and some other officers actually RESIGNED over it.

also, for the first year back on earth, starfleet totally just SENT HIM A WOMAN? to like keep him distracted and "happy." he got honeypotted into not going back out into space. how many planets have tried to trap people by making them happy? how many times has kirk refused to stay in such a place because it leaves him nothing to strive for? and then, irony of horrific ironies, he was trapped on earth. he doesn't realize this woman was basically sent to pacify him until the very beginning of the film/book. anyway, this woman's name is lori, she's gonna matter just a little bit later. after she left, kirk got pushed into a desk job he was utterly fucking miserable in. he notes that it was the only time he ever ignored bones's advice and he suffered greatly for it.

when the "intruder" (v'ger, obvs) is revealed to be approaching earth (via brain implants? stupid, let's just switch to everyone seeing it on TV), kirk, for totally normal reasons, jumps at the chance to take the enterprise away from decker ostensibly because he's got more experience but also because (the book gets into this) he feels like he's been jerked around on a string for the last three years by the admirals (specifically he names nogura to give us a face but they were all in on it) and also that he's totally dead inside. he has to guilt trip bordering on BLACKMAIL nogura into letting him back aboard (ie bringing up the fact that he placated kirk with a woman and sweet promises instead of like...actually caring about his PTSD). we're keeping that part because it's sexy and fun.

the question the movie seems to be asking is, "is jim kirk too old and feeble to captain the enterprise again?" i would like to posit instead we go with "is jim kirk too DAMAGED to captain the enterprise again?" they really put him through the wringer in season 3 in particular and that total nervous breakdown from the romulan espionage episode was supposed to have been REAL before they changed it, so i'm sticking it in that three year timeskip instead. in the book, jim fucks up several times - can't figure out his seatbelt, gets lost, and notably fails to be able to save his former honeypot lori and his new vulcan first officer (off-brand spock) during a transport malfunction - they get rearranged horrifically and then die right in front of him. rather than frame this as jim being old and out of practice i'd like to frame it around the totally untreated PTSD of space and his five-year finally catching up to him.

the book ALSO gets into how jim feels more at home in space, how being away from it gives him physical symptoms almost like withdrawal, and how he felt he has been brought back from the dead and out of a miserable, meaningless life when stepping aboard for the first time. IMPORTANT FOR LATER.

at the same time though i think we might greatly benefit from mixed feelings - perhaps JIM HIMSELF has wondered if he was too damaged to get back out there - if, after everything, part of him wasn't a little hesitant to go back out into the unknown and risk putting himself through the kind of hell he got put through in some of those later tos episodes. maybe he wanted the captaincy to prove it to himself, yes, but also it was something he was determined to do (even though part of him was a little worried about doing it) because he thought he was the only one that COULD. there's a hidden element in this film of facing one's fears to benefit emotionally, so it would be important to squeeze something like this in, even if it's only in hints or light implications.

the ultimate answer to jim's question of course is that he ISN'T too damaged to be back out in space, especially not if spock and bones and the others are out there with him. but to get into that we have to move to...

CHARACTER ARC: DECKER AND ILIA

i'm putting these 2 together because (sorry) i don't care very much. side characters in trek are always supposed to just highlight the main characters anyway, right? again, i'm so sorry. anyway so. in the movie and especially the book, ilia is pretty constantly sexualized - deltan females and their pheromones or whatever - and she has very little personality. decker is mostly just mad (justifiably) that kirk stole his job after 18 months of prep and sad that ilia got zapped, but we feel neither of these things very strongly. the movie doesn't even MENTION decker's father killing himself in space* which is a huge waste of potential when you consider the name of the game re: kirk's arc, at least in the book, is PTSD.

*matt decker, will decker's father, is the captain from doomsday machine (consider this a spoiler warning): when a giant machine showed up and engaged in battle with his ship, the constellation, he evacuated his crew to a nearby planet and stayed behind, planning to go down with the ship. unfortunately the machine was a planet-eater, and ate the planet his crew was on, so his crew all died while he listened to them beg him for help, and he later tried to suicide bomb the machine with the enterprise and then later one of its shuttles, which tragically ended in his mostly-pointless death. kirk did at least use the idea to suicide bomb the machine with the damaged constellation and have himself beamed out just in time though, and he had the record made that matt decker died in the line of duty, omitting some of his shadier actions so as not to stain his memory or whatever.

ANYWAY, i think the only way to make decker and ilia interesting is to foil them with kirk and spock. decker is who kirk was before his five-year: smart, capable, ready to take on anything and chomping at the bit to get out there and bite off as much as he can chew and then some. also, he's emotionally distant from women because of his status as captain/his need to not be tied down so he can explore space.

ILIA on the other hand is more like spock - she has limited telepathic abilities, she is othered and sometimes sexualized by the people around her because of her VULCAN BIOLOGY sorry because of her race, and she has a passion for learning and pursuits of intellect. and also a semi-formal telepathic link with decker - they had met before, and were preparing to bond (the way a vulcan might), and then decker more or less got cold feet and left her at the altar because his own passion for being in space left him unable to commit. but she WENT AFTER HIM (important for later) and wound up as the enterprise navigator.

for decker, instead of showing kirk up once near the beginning, apologizing, and gradually learning to get along with him, i think i'd like him to be showing kirk up a lot - being subtly snide when kirk can't work his seatbelt, for example. this film has no real antagonist aside from an incomprehensible alien entity, but we could bring a little humanity to it by having decker justifiably resent not only being confronted with ilia again but also having his captaincy snatched away from him after EIGHTEEN. MONTHS. of prep. that's some serious bullshit.

but, while decker IS younger and more familiar with the enterprise's redesign, while he's had more recent space hours and suffers from none of kirk's PTSD, what he lacks is experience - this was the whole basis of kirk taking the fucking ship to begin with, and the movie as it is kind of totally invalidates that plot point. to that end, near the end of the film when they're in v'ger, i would make a bigger deal out of kirk knowing better than to perform the scan - because that's what got the klingons killed (when v'ger interpreted their scan as hostile). decker, shaken, realizes his own hasty decision would have resulted in all of them dying horrifically, and rather than kirk grudgingly respecting decker first, we get it the other way around - decker grudgingly respecting kirk, and kirk returning that respect after decker stops being an asshole. this does the job of helping the AUDIENCE respect kirk after spending so much time wondering if he was indeed too washed up and damaged to do the job, and it helps to begin to warm us up to decker too.

also, it would be fun to have decker overhear bones arguing with kirk or spock or even talking to chapel or something, to know that kirk was thought too washed up EVEN BY THE ADMIRALS (who decker does respect bc he doesn't know better yet), and then for decker to realize later kirk got jerked around - and maybe realize, once he begins to see kirk as a person instead of an obstacle, that something like that might be in his own future even if he succeeds in almost every possible way, as kirk had. we might even use this to get into decker's dad basically killing himself after losing his crew - it can go other ways than right for captains. it can also go so, so, so wrong. (this would require some exposition, though, since we can't expect everyone to have both seen the episode and remember the details.)

another moment that wasn't used to its full potential is when decker basically has to honeypot the ilia probe - this is extremely difficult on him emotionally, and kirk knows all about the perils of emotionally difficult honeypot missions (sorry that i'm linking to this twice). i think decker realizing kirk has done this same kind of thing like a zillion times and that's part of what led to his breakdown gives him respect not just for KIRK but for the position of captain itself - he would have no choice but to do this to protect 500 lives, if it were him. you don't get to tap out when you're captain. and this is good for kirk too, because in sympathizing with decker (and the horrific situation of having to honeypot the image of his dead lover) he can learn to sympathize with himself, and forgive himself for being at less than his best during his own worst moments - some of them during the five-year, some of them after, when he felt weak and without purpose. it also gives him the job of connecting the audience to decker - through him, through thinking of decker as a younger version of him, we can forgive decker for being an asshole earlier and sympathize with his pain. and he becomes someone we root for.

as for ilia - i think she should have gotten to yell at decker rather than passively act like he wasn't even there and hide her pain. her pain at being left behind and betrayed and having to find her own way could mirror spock's (more on this in a sec) but it could also mirror v'ger and its abandonment issues, even though she was abandoned by a boyfriend and not god. there's only so much you can do with truly misogynistic writing but she could've been likable!! her sitch and spock's are the same and she gets to complain while he refuses! even one iota of a personality would have helped so much.

ALSO, on that point, at least one conversation between her and spock would have done a lot to make her more interesting too, because then she would be adjacent to him. spock, too, left his home planet to chase after a space captain he was in um a relationship with, and that bit of kinship ("your answers are not here") could lead to a bonding moment - i think spock would respect what she's doing and that would lend her a lot of credit in the eyes of the audience. much like v'ger, much like spock, ilia has left her home to find out who she is, and part of that answer lies within emotion, within the people she loves: in this case, decker. i would also, if we HAVE to fridge her (DO WE?? more on this in the ending section), choose to have her take a blow meant for decker - her last act being one of love, because the film IS ultimately about love's importance, even in spite of all the pain it also causes (see: decker in his grief).

which leads us to...

CHARACTER ARC: BONES

we have to have a brief interlude here for bones. unfortunately, bones in this movie is little more than an extremely loveable afterthought. while fixing his ENTIRE deal is out of the scope of this tumblr post, what i WOULD do is give him more screentime by having both his AND spock's lives upended by the same event: kirk, the Main Character(tm), choosing to take the admiral stripes and "abandon" them.

i think theres enough evidence in tos to argue the case that bones places a lot of importance on jim and spock's lives - he claims to hate space, but he never resigns, and he finds meaning in taking care of them, even if (to my own interpretation), he can sometimes feel like a third wheel to their legendary "friendship" (so legendary that it's historically important both in-universe and in real life). when kirk agrees to "retire" and let starfleet make him their poster boy because he has PTSD and burnout, bones CANONICALLY objects to what starfleet is trying to do to him so strongly that he literally resigns. again, kirk notes in the book that "retiring" is the only time he ever ignored bones's advice and he came regret it deeply. so kirk needs bones back - in the book, he says outright he needs bones back because he, gaslit, cannot trust himself to be making solid calls emotionally, and he wants bones to call him out if he steps out of line.

for fun, i think bones should be a little more pissed about being "drafted" and like genuinely grumpy rather than fond and gruff - at least, until kirk apologizes. he tells bones all about being yanked around by the admirals and being honeypotted and how much he regretted not listening to his advice...and the gaslighting, not bones's medical expertise, is why kirk feels he needs bones now - why all of earth needs him, because this is a mission to save the entire planet. i think bones LOVES to be needed and especially by jim and/or spock, and he of course has a natural desire to caretake, so after the apology he could soften up to "gruff." he found meaning in what he was doing on earth, but he finds meaning in this too, and kirk telling him that of COURSE he can leave if he wants solidifies his decision to stay, even at the end of the film when the immediate threat has passed. put simply: he loves kirk and spock, and, like them, he wants the three of them to stay together, even though they previously broke his heart.

i think also that once spock comes aboard this gives bones a second job, which is to poke holes in spock's outward unemotional demeanor, which he genuinely is doing from a place of love (since it was bones who said the release of emotions is healthy). instead of standing around and being a lovable and nostalgic set piece, this would give him an actual purpose and an arc, even if his arc (healing spock via negging, healing jim via not gaslighting people) is holding up the other characters.

and speaking of spock...

CHARACTER ARC: SPOCK

post five-year, spock goes back to vulcan to undergo the kolinahr, a ritual meant to purge all remaining emotion from vulcans. he does this because he detests his human half and the many weaknesses and challenges it brings him etc etc but i also would like it if he does this because kirk retires - he has no logical, ready-made excuse to be around kirk and bones anymore, and just like kirk, he truly felt at home on the enterprise, where people valued him for his skill and what he could do rather than what he was (or wasn't). (this sentiment from spock is semi-canonical - it's in william shatner's tarsus iv novel, collision course.) kirk and bones are both an important part of his support system and it is crumbling without any way to save it - of COURSE he chooses not to feel emotion rather than face that pain. every human being ever has wished at some point or another they could numb themselves rather than hurt, and spock is half human, too. (that said, i would also not complain if kohlinahr was spock's way to escape the trauma of what the five-year did to HIM, making him feel emotions differently than what he believed was acceptable, changing him fundamentally as a person, and kirk only agreed to resign because space wasn't worth it without spock aka because he got dumped, but this is a minor detail.)

while on vulcan, kirk, equally adrift, sends him messages (this does admittedly make more sense if kirk only resigned because spock did) - but spock is potentially kind of mad at him (if kirk resigned first) and also trying not to feel anything, so he ignores those and goes out into the desert to get rid of all his gross icky feelings. when the masters read his mind and see that jim accidentally contacted him telepathically (which...girl WHAT was that all about did they bond fr during amok time) and that "his answer is not here," he reads or listens to all the messages at once (maybe including the deleted one spock prime had from aos...ouch), gets emotional (or resists, but it's a near thing), and realizes that if he can't purge kirk from his mind he has to at least find out why. the last message can be about the intruder (v'ger) and their fucked up engines, spock can feel reluctant concern and race to the rescue.

spock is initially very very cold to his old shipmates because he is trying to hold onto his logic and not allow the emotion back in his mind, but absolutely nobody is having this. like in the movie, kirk and bones drag him away to the lounge to interrogate him (he should admit to feeling kirk telepathically here just as he did in the book - i don't know that i'd go into the whole bond business in this movie because that's just writing fanfiction and is also a lot of exposition but i would never deny fanfic writers their fodder).

later, after talking with ilia, who did a brave thing (in spock's eyes, anyway, because he is terrified of what HE'S doing) by chasing down her man to give him an earful, spock is troubled, which prompts bones to start going IS THAT AN EMOTION I SEE MR SPOCK? (and make him more troubled). i think spock grieves ilia's death in his own way because of how much like him she is, or was. all of this culminates in his choice to attempt to mind-meld with v'ger, in the end - if he isn't a human and isn't a vulcan, WHAT is he? if he can't live with the emotion and he can't purge it, what is he supposed to do? if he dies in the mindmeld so be it, but at least he will have been useful - iirc, i think it was roddenberry or leonard nimoy who said that was always a primary motivation of his.

of course, AFTER the mindmeld, he does indeed realize that logic is pointless without emotion, and that he's been adrift not BECAUSE of his emotions but because of his refusal to deal with them and his refusal to feel. so spock, too, will decide to stay at the end of the film.

side bar on the scene where spock cries for v'ger: it's kind of dumb because v'ger is so unknowable. i think spock crying could be a bigger deal - maybe with happiness, as he holds jim's hand, or maybe when he thinks they're all gonna die (kirk says when he sees spock crying "it's not for us" but like what if it was though). i'd prefer him to cry after he finishes laughing post mindmeld of course but either instance could work.

and finally...

THE ENDING

i don't mind the ending in its plot - that v'ger really was just looking for its creator, as a child looks for its parent - but i really want the question of whether or not the probe IS ILIA to remain open. if you make an exact copy of a person that truly believes it is the original, is it? if it's indistinguishable from who ilia used to be even to itself, is it ilia? i like leaving this open because i DON'T like fridging her, but i also think it stretches believability to have this machine magically extract a consciousness and put it in a robot when we had a whole episode of s1 revolve around this exact same plot twist (is chapel's now-android fiance really still her fiance just because he thinks he is?)

it should be spock's idea to have a human join with v'ger - it was the joining with humans that ultimately led to HIS feeling emotions he was unable to ignore, which ultimately led to his understanding and acceptance of emotion and its value in general. spock would see the ilia probe as still being ilia, but in distress, as he was when he came aboard the enterprise, as v'ger is now. and he knows what fixed him (holding jim's hand lol sorry i mean accepting his emotions) and what would fix her.

and then of course decker does join with her - volunteers, insists even. i think he takes the chance on optimism and hope - something kirk lost along the way due to various traumas - but also because this film is about the importance of love, and he can't bear to live without his, even in facsimile. it's partially a sacrifice too though - decker's life and body as he knows it in exchange for the earth's safety - because that's what kirk would have done, what he HAS done. he did learn from kirk after all.

and kirk learns from him too - decker, who by now will know about the awful years the brass put kirk through prior to the start of the film, would tell kirk to give 'em hell, like it's something that can actually be done, because at his heart he's an optimist, and that's something kirk sorely needs emotionally at this low point in his life. a very gen-z-saving0the-millennials moment. (apologies to both gen z and millennials.)

so after the dust has settled, kirk, who has just saved earth, can basically ask for anything he wants, and what he wants is not to get sent out to pasture again. so that leads into him refusing to leave the ship and letting the admirals and everyone else who wants to debrief him come to HIM instead of him going down - he finally has back what he needed, which was simply control and agency over his own life, and his loved ones - since spock and bones decided to stay aboard. i would have liked some challenging action moment prior to the ending with the ilia-probe and decker included, a moment to highlight that kirk has still got it (kind of like his badass moment in the deadly years where he saves the ship in .2 seconds once they cure his dementia). but insisting that they see v'ger directly and not deal with its probe is okay too.

FINALLY, after we've established that kirk is In Control again and not just like, stealing a starship, we can do his scene where he begins a new five-year mission, and when directing sulu, says, "out there - thattaway."

THEMES

HOPEFULLY this ties together the various themes and foils in everybody's arc - the main ones being the importance of dealing with emotions, even painful ones, the importance of love, and the question "who am i?" - the theme of seeking answers

kirk wants to know who he is - is he still a starship captain who braved the unknown and returned alive? he tried to numb himself (or rather starfleet tried to numb him) after his five-year mission with a woman and a desk job and it didn't help - he had to risk getting back out there to do himself any good at all.

spock asks if he is a vulcan or a human, and seeks to answer the question by purging emotion, but must answer it by accepting the emotion instead - and he learns this from v'ger, who is asking the same question and cannot answer it without emotion anymore than spock could. spock is and always will be both vulcan AND human and no amount of resistance on his part can change that.

bones feels adrift without loved ones to take care of - who is HE if kirk won't even listen to his advice not to "retire" - and of course he is someone who takes care of others. which is a little sad because it's not a deeper arc, but it sort of rhymes with his whole deal in tos and there ARE five other movies. there's also a little bit in there about being willing to try again after your heart's been broken, which is also something kirk and spock are struggling with, to have the trio's arc rhyming with each other.

decker asking who he is - is he a real captain or a psycho case like his dad and kirk, is he someone who could have been ilia's husband - and ilia wondering if she is someone who could have been his wife, and later the PROBE wondering if it's truly ilia or not. MORE questions that have to be answered by overcoming fear of emotional pain - decker takes the chance and joins with her to answer both his own question, and the probe's - and, of course, v'ger's.

THIS CONCLUDES. my movie rewrite. i am so glad to have gotten it off my chest, which is the main reason i wrote it, but i don't think it's terribly popular...so if you actually read this whole thing you're a rock star. okay BYE!!!

#liz makes stuff #liz's star trek stuff #liz's meta #star trek #star trek the motion picture #star trek: the motion picture #star trek tmp #personal #star trek blogging #WHEW. that too so long. barely finished in time. wrath of khan SOON!!!#tmp lb #tmp #st ep edits

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spurgie-cousin · 11 months

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ok my mom understandably had to go to bed (very late here in her time zone, and it's even an hour later in the one I'm used to) but I'm a mental masochist so I will trudge on until I can't physically watch Shiny Happy People anymore (and I'm just going to edit my comments instead of reblog bc so far there's really not a lot most of us aren't aware of):

- firstly, I knew Deanna was raised Christian but I didn't know she was raised VERY conservative Christian. Per Deanna, this is the reason Amy was allowed so much freedom; she didn't want to limit her as a female in any of the ways she was

- going off of that, I can see how that foundation would open Jim Bob up to a religion that is so insanely misogynistic

- I know it's a thing all of us who've been around a while have known, but it's all but explicitly said that the Duggar kids had any steal of rebellious beat out of them. By Michelle, regardless of what she sounds like.

- I can't help but wonder if this is the reason Michelle sticks so closely to this faith, even after all that's happened. Even as her own children have expressed how abusive their upbringing was. Leaving the ideology means admitting you were an abuser and not an educator.

- Jill felt like she lied in the Megyn Kelly interview. She didn't want to do it and said she wouldn't have without her parents urging, and she felt obligated to protect her family. She didn't want to do this interview, but didn't trust anyone else to tell the truth which, given her upbringing, I totally get.

- the interviews with other ex-IBLP kids are just as fascinating to listen to as Jill's (if not more bc a lot of them WANT to be there). Tia Levings in particular is so incredibly brave and wonderful, please follow her your preferred platform ❤️

- Mike Huckabee is an accomplice to abuse and ped*philia at best

- I know Derick can be insufferable but I promise he's worth listening to in this doc, at least so far (I'm halfway through episode 3). And he's a very serious Jill advocate, which I feel like all the Duggar girls need so badly.

- Jill didn't want anyone at her birth because SHE DIDN'T WANT TOO GO THROUGH WHAT ANNA WENT THROUGH. She agreed to a diary cam at most.

- For that work they did during their babies birth, the Dillards requested not a full paycheck, but a small health insurance renumeration fee from TLC, who asked them to do this work. TLC informed then that they had already paid all sums to Jim Bob.

- Jill has never received any amount of payment from TLC for all the time and work she had given them. Neither had Derick.

- this is probably a NO DUH for us around here, but here is a short list of IBLP/ATI approved lives of training, especially for minors who are doing work for free for other members of the organization (i believe the Bates kids are included in some of the pictures accompanyingthis part):

1. CoNSTrUCTioN!!!

2. Cosmetology (women only of course)

3. Ministry

4. Business?

5. Healthcare consultant

6. ALERT counselor

Secular college courses so not apply to accreditation in these fields

- other ex-IBLP members confirm that children were trained in construction trades and child labor was used gratuitously in the organization, for anything from repairs, to setting up conferences, to building actual buildings. And it was all, of course, free.

- ALERT confirmed as a purposeful paramilitary organization

- am ex-IBLP woman who was sent to ALERT states that they took tampons away from her, as they were a form of purity violation (she says they said she had purposefully taken her own virginity by using them).

- a woman raised in IBLP recounts a story at a conference in Oklahoma City where her roommate almost slit her throat with a knife over being a 'glutton'. Essentially, a teenage girl almost killed herself over not being thin enough to be 'godly'.

- David Green, the CEO of Hobby Lobby, is STILL IBLP's biggest donor. Don't fucking shop there!!!!

- a purposefully sanitized version of Bill Gothard's teachings have been and might still be used in elementary schools, prisons, police and military units as a way of indoctrinating those in attendance to be more open to absolute authority.

- All of the kids besides Jill & Derick might've very well signed a very lengthy contract that extends at least a decade. The Dillards didn't, and have received extreme yet Christian-flavored threats over it???

- The Dillards were using a food bank even after they asked Jim Bob for the most basic payment for their services to the show

- Jill, Derick, and others all agree tha Journey To The Heart was a vetting mechanism for Gothard's abuse victims

#the duggar family #shiny happy people #iblp #institute of basic life principles #tia levings

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levmada · 7 months

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Well since you said you’d take one I’ve had one that’s been on my mind for a bit

Top levi x bottom m reader fluff to smut. Basically it’s the night before they retake shinganshina and they’re having dinner and before the night ends levi proposes to the reader saying ‘if we make it out of this alive then would you do me the honor of being my husband’ (I’m thinking they’ve been together for a few years at this point but Levi’s been too scared to ask for fear they wouldn’t have made it this far) and reader says yes and so they go to their place they’re staying at and just some nice sweet smut 👀

Maybe there can also be a part after about how even tho they lost a lot of friends they had their wedding in the honor of their lost friends and comrades and it’s a sweet wedding with all their close friends and all that sappy jazz :3

I hope this is alright with you and I hope you like it and are ok with writing it. If not that’s totally ok I understand. I requested this from someone else months ago but they haven’t written it and so I thought you’d maybe be down to? 🖤🙏

hiii i’m SOO sorry this took me ages! hopefully the was worth it! in order to best fit with the plot i didn’t add an epilogue😅but i’ll add it on later! i hope you like it :3

➥ pairing: service top!Levi x male!sub!taller!Reader

➥ about: The most important battle in the history of humanity is rapidly approaching. In order to go on without regrets, Levi makes a proposal. The ensuing night is one of love and worship.

➥ c/w: established relationship, canonverse, tooth-rotting fluff, proposal<33, slow&sensual, fingering, praise, oral, overstimulation, vanilla

➥ wc: 3.6k

Levi’s mood would be as dark as the nighttime outside this cabin if it wasn’t for you. It straddles the picturesque wilderness and the wide, winding river that runs back to Yarckel District in the east.

He’s content despite his vivid awareness that it’s painfully temporary, reserved for tonight before the regiment’s departure in the morning to retake Wall Maria.

Many of the troops—especially the new recruits, but that's par for the course—aren’t worried about an encounter with the Armored and Colossal Titans. But as usual there’s no telling what to expect—he is aware that too many could be wiped out before they even reach the Shiganshina's gate. The shit cherry on top is Erwin’s refusal to stay despite the clear fact that he's not exactly as spry as he used to be.

Levi is going to, as he's forced to, go into tomorrow with the expectation that many won't come back.

But like himself, you understand the danger, and you're strong enough to react sharply and effectively when it presents itself.

There's too much he admires about you, too strongly to put into clear or concise words. Especially when he's this on-edge, and all that stands out in his mind now is how handsome you look by existing simply across the candlelit table and eating, and occasionally raising a glass of water to your mouth by the rim.

He has no appetite. He sneaks glances at you more often than he eats. A silver spoon remains raised to his mouth.

He never expected this—you. The both of you. In fact, he was in ferocious denial for the longest time until, on no particular day or during any important hour, you were walking in the relative wilderness outside of HQ, raised him by the lapels of his jacket and kissed him.

He was probably explaining to you what he doesn’t believe in anymore. He just remembers the feeling of your kiss like a slap, and your words right after.

“You talk about yourself like you’re—some weapon. But look at me.”

And without being forced to do so he looked up at you.

“How important you are doesn’t defeat the reason why you kissed me back! We are just men. Don't you understand?"

He started to understand.

He understands. But he’s thinking too much, both about the future and the past, more than necessary to muster the courage to do what he's about to. While by far, he would rather savor this night with you.

Even if you turn him down.

“It’s rice. It's palatable,” he's explaining, defending his favorite food.

While your rice is buttered and seasoned to perfection, for him, as long as it's edible Levi is happy. For being such an amazing cook, it's charming how simple his tastes are. And it feels nice to debate about nothing, especially leading up to tomorrow.

“Hm,” you grunt. “You like everything bland.”

Levi takes another bite without breaking eye contact. “Not everything.”

A smirk quirks up the side of your mouth. “Right. Not your women,” you retort.

He deadpans, and you laugh.

“Is your boyfriend a good not-bland?”

You put down your spoon. You’re not too much interested in dinner anymore—Levi is blushing. He blushes almost effortlessly, always, but it’s a sight you love.

But he doesn’t shoot back with a teasing quip like you expected. He frowns as he seems to struggle with himself.

You tilt your head. “What's on your mind?”

"Before tomorrow, we shouldn't have any unfinished business. It might be anticlimactic, but our lives are already pretty unconventional."

This grabs your attention. He's been quieter than usual all week, but you figured he was nervous about the operation. It's going to be the most important battle in all of humanity's history, after all. But right now, he seems uncharacteristically flustered.

He doesn't elaborate.

"I feel the same. Talk to me."

He gnaws on his bottom lip, and finally, meets your gaze again with new, cool determination. You can tell it's forced.

"If we're still living a couple days from now, I—I want you to live with me. Even if it's short-lived... Even then, I'd"—He takes a breath, and reaches across the table, taking your hand"—I'd have no regrets about doing that. Would you... do me the honor of being my husband?"

Your eyes widen. Suddenly it feels like you're dreaming—how else could this be really, really real? Laughter bubbles up within your chest as a disbelieving grin stretches across your cheeks.

"Wh-What? Me?"

He scowls. "Who else is sitting right in front of me?"

"Even if..." You tightly hold his hand.

"Yes," he answers, as serious as death. "But I don't need an answer right now either—I'm not forcing you to—"

"Levi, shut up!" you laugh. "Yes. Yes I will marry you."

He really weighed the possibility that you'd reject his proposal. You've never seen him so nakedly nervous.

You always had it in your mind that marriage wasn't even a defined concept—same goes for him. Not living the life you did, and not with what you did you survive it. It's the promise that matters, the fact that you're both willing to seal it with a ring, to speak it, regardless of what suffering the future will bring.

Unable to contain yourself, unable to fully get across to him this storm of joy and exhilaration swirling within you, you jump out of your seat with full intention to reel him out of his, but he's already way ahead of you.

Levi hops up on his toes and kisses you as if he'd been confined to only using his words before, his fingers threading through your hair and deepening it as much as possible. You reel him close by his waist so that you both stumble, with your back landing against the wall.

You have no idea where this is coming from, but maybe Levi doesn't either. Maybe your ravenous hunger for each other speaks for itself.

You kiss, harder and deeper, hands encompassing his small waist to catch on his belt-loops, to signal what you want. All you want—him. He rips your shirt from its neat tuck in your trousers, and pulls away to level with you a blazing, wanting stare.

This is abrupt—you didn’t even finish dinner—but you don’t have the blessing of unlimited time. You tell yourself that you'll both have lots more candle-lit dinners, the next time you both return to the Walls.

“I need you,” you murmur, ducking you head to kiss down his neck, unable to dip below his collar. Your hands slide up from his hips, just shy of his ass. He whispers a moan softly by your ear. “You know that?”

"Yeah." His hand slips away, reaching for his back pocket. "You didn't even give me a second to put the damn ring on your finger, you brat."

He grasps your wrist, brought between the both of you. As he slide the simple silver band onto your ring finger, his entrancing gaze is one you could get wonderfully lost in.

It's cool to the touch. A certain weightlessness swoops through your stomach when it's in place, like it was crafted for this sole purpose.

"There."

He grasps your open collar and yanks you down for another bruising kiss, pulling a soft groan from you.

"Mm..."

"I'm guessing there's no possibility you're patient enough for the wine?" he retorts, as annoyed as he can sound...

“Wine after,” you purr, voice like syrup. “And then we’ll go again, and then, I’ll get on my knees for you in the shower…”

As you speak, you bring the small of his back forward, pressing up against each other. He’s hard enough to feel friction against your thigh, of course, he’s always so sensitive.

He inhales sharply, snatching your hand and walking you both backwards to the living room in which the hearth burns, bright and warm.

The fireplace below the mantel licks at the logs calmly and steadily. The chill of autumn instantly melts away to be replaced by the burn of desire.

A mound of blankets lays in front of it. He's thankful they were tossed together earlier, a refuge from the cold and the impending tomorrow while dinner was still cooking.

"C'mere," he grunts, stepping backwards onto the fluffy, thick flooring.

You're more than happy to oblige him by bringing him down first. He spills onto the blankets, on his back, hands flying down to untuck your shirt as you settle, straddling his thick thighs.

Quickly you undress him, opening button by button to reveal his pale chest and blushing nipples to the golden light of flame the same time he opens your belt with a faint but piercing clink.

Though you're straddling his thighs, he's the one perfectly in control of kissing you, and sliding your boxers down to take handfuls of your ass properly.

You groan, your hips rocking forward and palms spreading across his pecs, playing with the soft swells as his tongue plays around yours.

"Hah..." he breaks away to huff, palming somewhere beside him for the oil.

You take advantage of the moment to lay wet kisses on his neck and tug his nipples into perfect points. His chest lifts, and you watch as a little cum wells up in the slit of his hard cock, and drools down.

"Eager, huh." His fingers sink in your hair, plastering your lips to his neck as fingers brush across your tight hole.

"I'm not the only one..."

One, his middle finger, pushes into you easily enough because of their size. They drag along your walls, deep inside. You press to feel every inch, and hear him sigh as he pumps lazily.

It's not enough, for all the hours you still are guaranteed to have left. With your back arched, you whine with a second and relax atop him, moaning loudly together as your cocks share delicious friction.

Sensing your urgency, he stretches you open in quick increments before making you whine with a third splitting you beside the others.

"Good?"

"Don't ever stop." You nip at the tender, new mark on his neck.

He doesn't know when he slowed down to admire your lips trembling as he curls his fingers; your jaw, your eyes closed, letting your lashes kiss your cheeks. (He could gaze into your eyes for hours and perhaps never find his way out, but like this, he can stare openly without embarrassment.) One part of you that attracted him to you later on—when he was past the point of denial and wanted his hands on your strong shoulders, or your hands hoisting him up by his thighs, to put him on an even surface and kiss hard—that was the strength you exuded, broad shoulders, strong jaw, your sheer beauty. You were gorgeous, and you still are.

He pumps them a tad faster, parting his fingers to feel your walls flutter around them, and your face buries in his neck, nipping and kissing.

Sensitive. He worries his bottom lip between his teeth as your hips rock—back into his fingers, forward to grasp friction from his thigh. His cock twitches in the valley of your hip.

"Good?"

"Mhm... Feel s'good."

Levi smiles to himself, just a tiny bit hidden in your hair. "You’re fucking yourself on them. Cute."

His palm rides down your strong back to the bottom, pressing down to shift the angle.

“H-Hah—!” Your teeth dig into his soft throat as his fingers brush along a swollen swell inside.

He hums, having found what he wanted, and the exact reaction he was hoping to pull from you. As always, how he enjoys, how much you let him hear your voice. The pinch of pain makes his toes curl.

Each time, every time he gets close, traces your prostate, he revels in the sense of your muscles tensing, then relaxing. Tense and relaxed.

He keeps his fingers buried in you, and rubs it in slow, but precise movements. Your precum smears his thigh.

"Good boy, let me hear you," he murmurs, speckling kisses to your jaw.

You shake overtop him, your breaths and the occasional gasp heating his neck. Your thumb traces the base of his jaw in frantic little circles as he massages without pause, sometimes carding through the blanket-like strands where his undercut lays, and scraping through the prickly spots where it's shaved.

"Fuck, Levi..."

Fuck, he mouths, hearing his name, a moan in your voice.

His free hand squeezes at just the place the back of your thigh curves, working the tight muscles in the palm of his hand with a warm sigh. He strokes in full, deep revolutions, slow but steady.

Your breath has grown shallow; you grip the nape of his neck a touch tighter. He's known you so long, he can tell that you're getting close.

"Please..."

Levi hums, and works his fingers out of you. The sense of your heat quivering on them makes him remember that in a bit, that's what his cock will be buried in. He moans as you seize his lips, picking up his jaw and taking total control.

You wrench away, and struggle to speak between a flurry of heated kisses. "I need you."

He squeezes you tight, nodding his head the best he can. Lust makes your gaze dark and hungry—an unceasing but quenchable desire. He knows just how to take care of you.

“Sit up.”

You do as you’re told. Levi stands first, his hands pressing on your shoulders to keep you kneeling. You look up first, his eyes lidded, demure almost as he cradles your cheeks. Times like this, it’s so clear that his body have to have been sculpted by a god. He’s beautiful.

“Will you get it wet for me, sweetheart?”

You were leaning forward already. With permission, you take his thick cock in your hand—really it’s swollen, rose-pink, and blushing deep fuchsia at his drooling tip.

His fingers lace in your hair as you welcome him past your lips. He’s not big length-wise, but it swells your cheeks, a comfortable, heavy weight, and distinctive heat.

Levi sucks in a breath through his teeth as your nose buries in black wiry hairs. You’re practically nosing his stomach as you lathe his cock in as much of your tongue as you can while his murmured moans make your head spin. Your bottom lip brushes up against his heavy balls. You clutch and squeeze his wiry thighs, appreciating his hard muscles.

“Good boy,” he murmurs, low and from somewhere deep inside his chest. Your press forward for more praise, working him inside your throat, but he guides you off before you can get too ahead of yourself.

“Let me take you to bed,” he says, bringing you back to your feet.

A candle is lit. This bedroom smells of warm lavender, and despite the autumn chill, Levi feels warm as you tongues lazily swirl, and your fingers wind through his hair, there on top of you slotted between your legs.

He cups your cheek with one hand, his spare sliding down your waist to your narrow hips. “Tell me if you need anything,” he reminds you, like he always does.

“I will.”

He watches your expression transform as he pushes inside you, past your puckered rim, to feel your softness open up around his cock. You welcome him inside. To tremble and quiver, your heat that sucks him in deeper, gripping.

He’s careful. As always, he treats the privilege of intimacy with you as a precious gift he will never actually deserve.

Until your calves close around his waist, bringing him in entirely, deep in you.

He reels from the pressure and heat at first, eyes barely opened where he hovers above you. Your chests lift and fall against one another. He loves the closeness and the envelopment of your bodies, the way one would love and treasure something they missed for their whole life up to a point they met, without ever having met it before.

He admires your eyes, nearly made closed under the intensity of it all, but staying stubbornly open for him. He almost wants to look away. He knows what that look means—what it may mean.

“Okay?” he asks, his lips not an inch away from yours.

“God, yeah…—”

You cut yourself off, when he pulls out slowly, and he sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. Your walls clench down around him, massaging his shaft and sensitive frenulum in all the right ways. He savors the drag until he’s just barely held inside, and sinks in again.

Fuck, he mouths, his face dropping to your neck and tasting the salty heat there as your fingers slot in together by your head. Yours is bigger than his. He moans, and remains consistent. He’s not a patient man, but he wants this to last, a long time. He’s going to make sure you live, for a long time. So that nothing about tonight implies goodbye. Even if you both ride into hell tomorrow…

He’s thinking too much. Your sharp gasp when he brushes against that slight swell inside you, and your heat shivers around him, snaps him out of it.

Your heels dig into the small of his back. “Please. Hurry, fuck."

He shifts the angle slightly, pressing you down more on your back and raising your knees further. And with that, speeds up marginally as you bring him down by his hair, lips moving fervently against his. He grips your hand, and thrusts without faltering into you as hard as his kiss.

You share breath, your sweat mixes, your voice like a chorus down his throat, mixing in with these groans that come from deep in his chest.

He’s never been one to talk sweetly—he messed it up royally when he asked you to marry him earlier. So in every action, in glances, or favors, or with his arms wrapped around you as his body makes love to you, he strives to love you in every way you deserve.

He squeezes your hand, determined not to come too fast. You’ve broken away, your head tossing and your thighs pressed tightly around his waist and the sounds falling from your mouth that takes his breath away.

“Levi, Levi—L-Levi—”

“Fuck. You sound too fucking good…”

He presses you down, for several passes pounding in deep, rapid succession, unable to escape how good you feel taking all of him. He should be barely winded, but you work him up all too much. He admits that, chanting your name where your shoulder meets your neck.

“Kkeep going, keep going—Levi, I'm...”

He pistons his cock in complete, steady, quick motions as he lifts his head to watch you. Your mouth is perpetually gaping, giving him a glimpse of your canines as your body trembles harder and harder intertwined with his.

And he’s not even touching you.

His hand dives down between you, groaning to find the sticky mess your cock has made. It throbs rapidly in his fist as you shout out, and in a few tight pumps, you freeze still.

You writhe, and your hand squeezes his so tight it hurts. Your climax spurts out between his fingers as he fucks you hard and fast through it, groaning between breaths right in your ear, “That’s my fucking good boy.”

“God, Levi—Don’t stop—Fucking—inside—”

Your shakes pass through you, and he slowed at first, but he whimpers now, as everything raises and works up, tightens up, meets at a point.

“Doesn’t it hurt?”

“I want you.”

“Ev—Even though it hurts?”

“Yes, yes!” you babble.

He slams inside you a final time with that satisfying sound of skin against skin, moaning in soft and long succession—not even hearing himself. A few deep thrusts are all he needs, gasping your name as he spills and fucks his climax deep inside you.

When he’s finally finished, slowing to a complete stop, you’re kissing again, lazy and slow. Considering it’s Levi, he’s not as winded as you.

He pulls his softening cock out slowly. You shiver with the sudden emptiness, as it oozes out of you, you sigh.

“You alright?”

“Don’t fuck me so good and that won’t happen.”

“Unfortunate for you, then.”

You smile.

“You like that, huh,” he muses as he rests beside you. As you curl up with him, he fleetingly rubs your shaky thigh. “You alright?”

“You’ll have to be more specific.”

While your eyes are closed, he kisses your lips, getting them to open. He doesn’t reply for a moment, and that feels just fine—you savor gazing into his eyes. He’s undone, relaxed in a way you’re confident you’ve only ever seen of him.

“I’ll tell you the day after tomorrow.”

You’d complain if you didn’t know what tomorrow was. You concede by nodding, and before he gets any ideas about dragging you to the bath yet, you intertwine your legs and bury your face in his chest, near to a hickey you left. You kiss it.

He strokes your hair, tracing the notches of your spine, succumbing to relaxing, just for once.

“I know I don’t say it much, because it’s not necessary,” he murmurs into your hair. “But it’ll annoy me if I don’t tell you—I love you, before tomorrow.”

Your heart swells. You cling onto the end of his sentence, intent not to focus on its bittersweet undertone.

“I’ll say it back the day after tomorrow. How about that?”

He huffs lightheartedly at being beat at his own game. “It’s a deal, then.”

“It’s a deal.”

Levi masterlist | main masterlist

#levi x you #levi ackerman x y/n smut #levi ackerman x you #levi ackerman x reader #levi x reader #levi x y/n #levi x male reader #aot smut

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bonesandthebees · 3 months

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YEAHHHH LMAOO that was the only time I've sent an ask on anon idk why I was so anxious that day LMAOOO

Tho I will say I've debated asking this one question to u so many times and everytime I wanna go on anon but then I realise it would not. Make any sense . If I was on anon so I've just refrained from asking lmaoo (which wow brain as soon as I typed this I've forgotten the question. Good job brain)

ANYWAYS MHMHMHM it's of a strawberry flower!! It's genuinely just such a gorgeous tatt I'd want it for myself even if it wasn't matching so I feel very comfortable getting it in the case we ever split up or anything <3

OOHHH THANK YOU YES PLS FEEL FREE TO GIVE ADVICE I AM ALWAYS LOOKING FOR MORE both for traveling solo in another country (I am Scared) and also tattoo after care?? Like. It's gonna be above my ankle how careful of socks/pants should I be :000

I mean if you ever wanna go on anon to ask me something that's totally fine I get it, and also if you're ever worried about asking me something just know that if I ever don't want to answer a question for any reason (ie: the answer isn't something I want to divulge publicly, I don't feel comfortable talking about that subject, I feel like I just don't have a good answer, etc.) I just won't answer it. it doesn't mean I'm going to hold a grudge against someone who asks me something I don't wanna answer. I get it, people are curious or have questions or whatever and that's fine! if I don't wanna answer I simply won't and that doesn't mean I'm upset or annoyed or anything like that

oooo a strawberry flower sounds so pretty!! I'm sure that's gonna look amazing

okay advice time for travel + tattoos under the cut bc it got long

oh yeah I was gonna say you're from canada right? I think going through customs is a bit easier for US/Canadian citizens traveling between the two countries, but still good luck with the lines. other advice I have for traveling in another country solo... while you might consider getting your currency exchanged, almost everyone and everywhere takes card these days so as long as you have a card that can be used internationally (I believe mastercard and visa are pretty much usable in every country, although I'm sure if it's just between the US and Canada most cards are fine, just make sure to check). but also if you do wanna do currency exchange, wait until you're in the US to do that or else you'll get ripped off. once you're in the US just go to an ATM and withdraw cash from your bank account, and it'll come out in US dollars without the additional fee you'd get from going to a currency exchange place

OKAY TATTOO TIPS

I think most tattoo artists these days use second skin after giving someone a tattoo. it's basically a sticky thin sheet of plastic that the artist will put on top of the tattoo after it's finished, and usually your artist will instruct you to leave it on anywhere from 24 hours to several days. any artist worth their salt will properly explain how long to keep it on for, what to expect and look out for, etc. the second skin will protect the tattoo so you won't have to worry about it rubbing against fabric in the initial few days after getting it. although I'll say taking that stuff off is a BITCH it's like peeling a bandaid off but so much worse

however, your artist might not use second skin. out of my five tattoos, only two of the artists I've been to used second skin which is apparently unusual because from what I've heard from tattoo artists is that it's pretty much standard at this point to use it. however because only my latter two tattoos used second skin, I didn't realize that I have reactions to second skin that make it not suitable for me to use. you might have a reaction as well and that's ok! for me at least my reaction wasn't anything bad, it's just that I noticed a lot of redness around the second skin and when I took it off (earlier than I was supposed to) it left marks around my tattoo that didn't go away for 6 months. so yeah in the future if I go to an artist and they want to use second skin, I'm going to refuse because I've healed 3 tattoos perfectly fine without it. so if your artist doesn't use second skin (and tbh even if they do because you'll need this once you take the second skin off) buy some aquaphor. your artist is probably going to instruct you to wash the tattoo with antibacterial soap 2-3 times a day, and afterwards you should put a thin layer of aquaphor on top of the tattoo to protect it and soothe any dryness or scabbing. it might seem annoying to wash a tattoo so many times a day, but trust me once it starts scabbing you're going to want to wash it because it itches and the aquaphor calms it down.

having the tattoo on your ankle might be tricky since it's too cold to wear shorts, and the hem of your pants might rub against it. try to wear pants that are looser around your ankles (no skinny jeans or leggings) so that the fabric doesn't irritate it. and try to wear socks that don't touch the tattoo.

above all though, your tattoo artist should be able to tell you everything I just told you. don't be afraid to ask them questions. they want your tattoo to heal nicely bc that's their work! and just in general don't be shy to talk to your artist. my first two tattoos aren't bad by any means, but I don't love them because I was too anxious to properly communicate with my artist about what I wanted. don't be afraid to ask them to change something in the design, or if they put the stencil on and you want a different placement tell them! your artist is there to work with you so just talk to them :)

okay that got so much longer than I meant it to hope that helps!!

#ask #icyfox17

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izzyizumi · 2 years

Video

vimeo

Digimon Adventure{s} (+02; tri.; Kizuna; {+side Adv 2020}) (2020 can be read as spin-off A.U. potentials or as canon parallels) ~ A.M.V. Preview {Version #1}: - The Only Exception (sung / (C) by: Par@more) featuring DUO/O.T.P: - KouTai (Koushiro x Taichi) – (KouxMimi appears briefly in the 2nd verse + Other charas by end, However, the focus is KouTai / specifically Koushiro and Taichi.) {KouxMimi can be read in as basically anything; canon compliant side-ship, A.U.s; side KouTaiMi or poly-ships in general; former KouxMimi mutual crushes ended on good terms?, etc.}

DigiAdvs Series © T0ei Animati0n / Akiyoshi Hongo

Disclaimer: I do not own DigiAdvs. This is FAN-MADE. No $$$ is being made off this fan-work

My commentary:

I’m aware there’s quite a few ongoing and recent fan events right now that might have had Taichi or Koushiro involvement, but I was tied up with offline things; Thus, this time is an A.M.V. that is mainly Koushiro-centric, but TAICHI does get some quite good focus too, and, specifically, also their (Very Good) relationship! There is also some vid-style analysis on the dynamics of Izumi Family, as well as the Yagami Family. It’s also yet another "analysis” of Koushiro & Taichi in general, too. (Basically any of my other ships can also be read in, in varying combos.)

Tip: Click on the gear button on player to choose to view in slight better quality + 1080p!!

Notes:

This is the preliminary 1st version of this A.M.V. Hopefully you find some enjoyment as it is now though! The 1st part had taken about 45~ min already. The 2nd verse + chorus took about another 35~ min. This 3rd section took about 30 min at start, another 1 hr to wrap up scenes through the interlude, and already had a total of 1 crashing of my editor. The last segment took about 45 min total; Thus, total time spent on this? 3 hours and 35~ min or so. These may not be final scenes as I make future adjustments. (However, it came together well despite the crash!)

There is a tiny bit of scenery shots from beginning of Kizuna, then, by the interlude, some more notable Kizuna spoilers involving Taichi & Koushiro mainly, but you will see a scene involving Chosen. Tri spoilers, mainly Taichi & Koushiro supporting each other moments, are also added in the interlude and the ending; there are small moments from Saikai, Kokuhaku & Kyousei, mainly. The ends of Kokuhaku, Kyousei & Bokura no Mirai / Our Future are not spoiled, but there is lead-up. Kokuhaku middle-end spoiler occurs in the final chorus; a scene namely showing Taichi and Koushiro supporting each other (I’ve used it often in past A.M.V.s). A tiny Bokura no Mirai moment of just Koushiro is also included.

DigiAdv 2020 (for A.U. spinoff{s}) becomes included by the interlude (it’s mainly Koushiro moments from beginning + middle of Ep 36) However, it can also be seen as inclusive of wider Adventure{s} “canon”; and basically paralleling many of the following canon moments.

{Lyrics Preview}:

Well {darling},

(Taichi’s voice calling): “Koushiro!!! Come out and LOOK at this!!”

YOU are the only ‘exception’---

And I’ve ALWAYS lived LIKE THIS, Keeping a comfortable… “Distance”

…Because NONE OF IT was ever {worth} THE RISK,

But YOU, ---

“I’ve got a ‘TIGHT’ Grip on REALITY BUT I CAN’T LET GO of “WHAT’S” {in FRONT of ME} HERE—”

{Taichi, voice shaking: “K-Koushiro!!...”}

“LEAVE ME WITH some KIND of Proof it’s NOT-A-Dream…”

“...YOU Are the ONLY EXCEPTION...”

- Mr. Susumu Yagami (on Taichi Yagami & Adventure+Tri Chosen)

IMGs/Edit by @izzyizumi, {DO NOT REPOST} {DO NOT REMOVE CAPTION}

{usage of gifs may be allowed if permission is asked / or if credit is given. However, read my about & FAQ pages first. Please do NOT use / ask if you match anything in my “Do Not Interact” sections.}

[Note: commenting/tagging positively/respectfully is ok!] (Please AGREE TO BANNERS BEFORE interacting) (Note: click on the banners to enlarge!)

#koushiro izumi #yagami taichi #taishiro #taichi x koushiro #koutai #koushiro x taichi #izumi family #yagami family #koutaimi #mimi x koushiro x taichi #yoshie izumi #koushiro izumi is a good character #(Happy 22nd anniversary to Digimon The Movie TM aka also U.S. Eng dubs 1st release of Our War Game as well as 2nd for Kizuna today!!)#bokura no mirai spoilers #tri spoilers #(Please be respectful if interacting)

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kaileerachele · 5 months

Text

Budget Travel Tips for New York City (Bonus tips for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade!)

1. First of all, before you plan a trip to New York City, make sure you are ok with walking long distances. Especially if you want to save money by not taking taxis and Ubers everywhere. The public transportation in NYC is incredible, but there is still quite a bit of walking needed to get around.

2. Secondly, decide what time of year you would like to go and start researching flights and hotels. It has been a life long dream of mine to attend the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and my daughters, who are 12 and 14 also had the week off school so that is when we planned to go! Start looking for flights at least 4 to 5 months in advance. 6 months or more is even better. I booked a travel package through Expedia and got a discount on my hotel and did not have to pay for breakfast!! (That is a $66 per day discount at the hotel we stayed at!!!). I like Expedia because they search many different airlines and usually have the best deals. We booked Delta flights to JFK and American flights back to Boise with one layover each way. We booked a red-eye flight to JFK and it saved us about $400 total. I won’t lie, it is pretty brutal trying to sleep on a plane, but I still think it was worth the savings. I made sure we had almost the whole day to rest once we arrived at our hotel and also called ahead to plan for an early check-in. Our hotel checked us in almost 2 hours early with no extra fees!!

3. Speaking of hotels… here are some budget tips. The closer you stay to Times Square and Central Park, the more expensive your hotel will be. I recommend booking a hotel in close proximity to the Red 1 Subway line. The 1 will take you to most of the main NYC hot spots and it is very easy to use if you do some homework (more tips on this later 😀). I booked a hotel off of 6th Avenue on 28th street in Chelsea/Manhattan. We had a subway stop at the end of our block and it was so convenient!! We stayed at the Hilton Garden Inn Manhattan Chelsea on 28th street. It is in the flower district so you walk by pretty flower shops every day! Like I said earlier I got breakfast included through our Expedia package deal that saved a lot of $$! Some other things I looked for in a hotel were having a fridge and microwave (many in NYC do not!) and I also read tons of reviews before booking. This hotel was not fancy or brand new, but it was in the perfect location (especially for the Macy’s parade!) and it was only $130 a night in NYC. They also gave us a room on the top floor and we had views of the the Empire State Building which was a huge surprise! The hotel was within walking distance to the Flatiron district, Macy’s, The Empire State Building, Times Square (or it is 2 stops on the Subway), the 5th Avenue stores, Rockefeller Center, and much more!!

4. Transportation tips. Do not even think about renting a car in NYC. Total waste of time and $$. We took the air train from JFK and connected to the Long Island Express at the Jamaica stop to Penn Station to get to our hotel, but I would Uber or taxi if I did it again, especially after a red eye flight. The subways are great, but there are stairs involved and when you have your luggage, it can be challenging. We definitely took an Uber back to JFK for our flight out. Learn about the Subway grid before you come! Watch some YouTube videos or read about it. You can also do directions on Google maps and Apple Maps to different locations ahead of time and it gives you very detailed instructions on which subways to take and which way. Pick the transit options on your directions to look at this. Just remember, uptown means up and downtown means down! You also no longer need to purchase Metro cards to ride the Subway. You just need a credit card that you can tap to pay. We used my credit card for all three of us the whole time with no issues. It is about $3 each ride and it stops charging when you get to around $37 a person for a 7 day period. There were a few times we were really tired and took an Uber or taxi (For taxis you just swipe your credit card to pay at the end of your ride. Also, they will only stop if their light is on and they aren’t carrying other passengers.) Give yourself extra time when you take public transit as it can take a little while to navigate. I used credit card points for Uber gift cards ahead of time and preloaded my account so we were ready for those fees.

5. How to see everything!! I had been to NYC over 20 years ago so I knew some of the biggest attractions we needed to see, but I highly recommend adding yourself to some Facebook NYC travel tip pages and also watching some vloggers on YouTube who give NYC travel tips. It was so helpful for me!! I chose to get the CityPASS with three attractions and we used it for: The Empire State Building (definitely do this and you have to make separate reservations!), the 9/11 museum (you also make separate reservations), and the Museum of Natural History ( you make separate reservations as well, enter on 79th street, and go to the CityPASS kiosks off to the right to get your actual tickets emailed to you). I highly recommend going to all three of these places! I do not recommend using the CityPASS for Statue of Liberty or the ferry because the Staten Island Ferry is free and you get wonderful views from the ferry! We also booked a walking/ferry/subway tour through TripAdvisor to see a lot of NYC. We met our tour guide in Times Square and she took us to Rockefeller Center, 5th Ave., Grand Central Terminal, the Financial District, The Staten Island Ferry, and the One World Trade Center (do this!!). Our guide was a native New Yorker and was so knowledgeable! I booked our 9/11 museum time at the end of the tour since we were going to end there anyway. I also booked tickets separately to the Vanderbilt Summit (right next to Grand Central). Trust me.. definitely go to the Vanderbilt Summit!! It is super interactive and was a great experience.

6. Going to some Broadway shows was also top of our list so I booked tickets for those pretty far in advance. The theaters are not super big so pretty much everywhere you sit is a good seat so save $$ by not getting the expensive seats. We watched two shows in a day: “Wicked” and “Aladdin”. “Wicked” was absolutely incredible and “Aladdin” was more of a funny/fun show. Both were kid appropriate and my girls loved it!! Again the 1 Subway line is right by the Aladdin theater so it was super easy to get back to the hotel.

7. Parade tips: get a hotel within walking distance to the parade route. Over 3 million people watch the parade and transportation will not work well. The Macy’s website gives you the parade route. DO NOT try to walk down 6th avenue the morning of. Walk down 7th or 5th and then cut over. We watched across the street from Bryant Park between 39th and 40th streets. There are no bathrooms and it is not an option to leave and come back. We got there a little after 6 am and we were one row back from the front. I brought some lightweight, triangular, folding chairs and they were a complete lifesaver!! The parade started at 8:30 and came to us about an hour later. We lucked out and it was in the 50s and nice weather. Be prepared for all weather though!! We brought one bottle of water to take tiny sips out of so we wouldn’t need to use the bathroom. I also brought granola bars and some pretzels for snacks. The parade ended around 12 and we made our way through the crazy crowds and walked back on 5th avenue. It was definitely a fun experience but be prepared for a lot of waiting and for A LOT of people!! You have to get to a spot before 6:30 to have a good view. There are also tons of spots blocked off for wounded warrior project. (And that is wonderful!). We originally wanted to sit in front of Bryant park, but that area is off limits, so we just went across the street.

8. A few other spots we loved that were free! The New York Public Library is absolutely gorgeous and there is an exhibit that has the original Winnie the Pooh Stuffed animals and one of Charles Dicken’s writing desks. The Morgan Library also has free tickets for Friday evenings that come available the week before. There is a Gutenberg Bible amongst other amaaaazing things and the library is breathtaking. Definitely go there if you can and it is free! And of course Central Park is free to explore and it was so pretty in the fall!

So if you are deciding whether or not to go to NYC? Go!!! It is amazing!

I get asked about the credit card reward points I use for travel a lot. We use the Verizon credit card for all of our gas, groceries, and going out to eat. You get 4% back on many of these things and it adds up quickly. We also get $10 off each line per month ($40 a month savings!). You can then use your rewards dollars/points toward your cell phone bill, buying phone products, travel (airfare, hotels, rental cars), and gift cards. I love the gift card option!! I got some gift cards for Starbucks before we traveled so we stopped at several while we were walking around the city for breaks. I also got some Morton Steakhouse gift cards ahead of time and we went there for Thanksgiving dinner. It was so good and the girls loved going to a fancy restaurant. It was all covered by the gift cards! Then like I referenced above, I also got some UBER gift card and added time to my account so the few UBER rides we took were covered! I have also used the travel options for plane tickets and hotels in the past, but the gift cards are my favorite perk. You do need to order them at least the day before you use them just an FYI.

#travel #nyc #new york #new york city #budgettravel #macys thanksgiving day parade

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jacks-tracks · 1 year

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Upgrades and museums

What a difference $25 bucks makes! The Hotel Isabel is just that much closer to downtown, and the room is 5 times the size, with a big private bathroom, huge double door onto a second story balcony, and a lovely flat lump free bed. No padlocks on the doors or bag ladys living across the hall. The interior courtyard is glassed over, leaving a big airy space with the walkway lined by flowering plants. The room door is 10 feet tall, matching the 16 foot ceiling. There's a restaurant , and it's all secure. Phew! Pension Zocalo was OK for an overnighter, just a cheap place to flop, but this Hotel is luxury!

I,m here for the culture and am getting a ton. First day out i stumbled through 3 museums, all interesting. Second day i met with Maru, a Mexican friend, and she guided me through 4 more. First a walk through the Alameda, then a cathedral, and on to the Franz Meyer museum, a remarkable collection of bits and pieces, no theme, just whatever caught his eye. I,d seen a poster for a Leonardo Da Vinci collection of artifacts and inventions. I don't know if all those wooden tools were originals but was surprised by how many were

so advanced for their time. He invented the parachute, and while it was far too small to work, the concept of compressing air to slow a fall was sound. The glider too was impractical, but would work if scaled up. How about a trip hammer, and centrifugal machine, a geared pulley, and a dozen other inventions, all made from wood, and rope. The Mona lisa smiled, and Maru pointed out that she has no eyebrows. The last super was larger than i,d imagined

We walked through 2 more gallerys, with lots of paintings, mostly of the "portrait of children, Mums, and patriarchs" school. Now museums are quiet places, so when we saw a huge black marble table too tall to sit at, Maru wondered what it was for. I said it was for corpos(latin for corpse) and she had a giggle fit, but quietly. Some good watercolours, beautiful scenery, and all framed with the most elaborate carved wooden frames, art by themselves. We found a hall of marble statuary, and marvelled at how someone could chip a block of stone into a fully muscled body. The usual angels, a copy of David, and more. Most impressive were the ballrooms with 40 foot ceilings, all frescoed and gilded over delicious parquet floors glossy with varnish and smoothed by use. One music room had block floors, wooden blocks set on end and sanded flat, thousands of them. Elaborate marble staircases, spiraled up along wrought iron railings, leading to overviews of perfect interior courtyards. Too much to list, and a lot of stairs to climb. There were entrance fees for most places, but modest amounts, and well worth the price.

Time had flown by and we were hungry so she took me to the Pagoda restaurant, the only thing chinese being the screen at the bathroom doors. The place was packed with knowing locals, food was Mexican, and the set meal(comida corrida) started with tortilla soup, red rice, tons of buns, and then a main course. I had Mole but it was pretty spicy for my taste. Washed it down with the included lime drink. Maru had arranchera, known as flank steak, very popular locally. Total cost for both meals 200 pesos($16) We ate and chatted, her in english and Spanish, me in English and Spanglish. Odd but we covered some complex subjects by helping each other. She's going to visit her boyfriend gordon in Idaho this summer. Gordon is a crusty old guy, with a good heart, and i grew to like him at Casa Dan.

Maru had a one hour commute by bus to home, as Mexico city is sprawled for umpteen miles. I had a half hour walk to my hotel, carrying my dinner in a bag from the bakery, a doughnut, creme puff, and strawberry shortcake all of which were delicious,proving that not all Mexican baked goods have been run through the flavor extractor. Saved the doughnut for the Anthropology museum and had a few walnuts for topping off. My legs were very tired, basically 6 hour walking. though there are usually period piece furniture in all museums, they are no sit zones and places to rest are few. home to flop with netflixs, and clean internet.

Today was the time to go to the famous Anthropology museum, a must see, 2 floors of artifacts, displays, dioramas, and culture. I,ve been twice before, and will go again, because it's huge, and vastly interesting. Getting there was a challenge, since I am trying to use public transit. I have a map of the subway system, but signage is in Spanish(natch) and everybody else knows the drill. I walked to the marked entrance ( across 6 lanes of traffic) but that station was closed, so i did my usual which is ask several people for directions/info and average it all out. Works! The vendor by the bus stop gave my complete instructions and I faithfully took his advice on buses. Got a bus after 3 passed by, and got off where he,d said(though I really did not understand the details) and with a bit of searching(here,s the exit, where the heck is the entrance?) dashed across those 6 lanes again and down into the tombs. Interrupted the ticket lady who was doing her makeup, and she graciously directed me onward. One more ask at the platform, and got the right train. there are police everywhere, so it,s secure. The first cars are for women only, even safer. On board announcements are in the international language of loudspeakers, loud and blurred to incomprehension. Happily i had my map. and watched the station signs as we paused to dump off people and stuff more on. Actually navigate succesfully, and found the overpass to Chapultepec Park, a 2000 acres woods and lake and garden and zoo and museums and at last the Anthropology museum. So nice to get off the roaring streets and into some woods, however cultivated.

I,m not going to detail the Museum, except to say that after 4 hours of viewing my legs were shot and the cases of artifacts were becoming blurrily the same. All that was just the ground floor displays, so you can imagine the size and complexity of the place.

Getting home was another adventure as i was dubious about the subway stopping where I needed to go. My guidebook said take any bus on Reforma and i did with some trepidation. Started off ok, but quickly filled both decks (double deckers) to capacity. i ended up clinging to a pole by the mid door exit, jammed with my fellow passengers. Seemed like nobody got off, just kept loading them on. Again i asked a guy for the Alameda, the only landmark i knew and he helped me off. I knew the direction but saw no familiar sights. There ahead was salvation! A KFC! Time for lunch! 2pieces of chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy, a biscuit, and an ice cream, all washed down with a coke, 99 pesos ($8). Greaty refreshed I asked for more directions and by golly there was the Alameda and now I knew my way. Huge crowds surging by the hundred at crosswalks, and lots of police in riot gear with shields. This did not make me feel safer. All the crowd pressed shoulder to shoulder towards the Zocalo and I felt very uncomfortable, knowing that so many people packed together could have a crushing stampede. No choice but to walk at the crowds pace until my corner, where the pack thinned. Now I really realize just how crowded this huge city is! Glad to get back to a hot shower, and a safe place. Glad too that i abandoned my idea of extending my excursion with a trip to the zoo across the road from the museum, as at 5 pm lightning flashed, thunder roared, and rain pelted down, Most people sheltered in shop doorways, but a surprising number flipped up umbrellas or donned rain suits.

So, another day in the worlds biggest city. Planning to do that zoo visit tomorrow, with a museum or two thrown in. who knows where the bus will take me?

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an-amalgamation-of-me · 1 year

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Montys Labor & Delivery Story (Condensed)

I started having consistent contractions that were on average 3 mins apart at 10pm on the 2nd. 2 hrs later, while I was in bed trying to be quiet like a mouse, but in pain, my water broke at 1208am. Got to the hospital at 130am and when they checked me they said I was only at 3. Around 5am I asked for an epidural bc they made me nervous that when I actually needed it, they’d be busy and I’d have to wait a while. So even tho I didn’t need it yet, I was like GIVE ME DRUGS😅 so I get it and around 6am I’m still at a 3. So they gave me pitocin. And they’d check me every 2 hours and I’d only have dilated 1 cm 🫣 it was frustrating. But I watched the toy story marathon with Carmen and ate lemon popsicles, apple juice and ice water (but also just ice bc hospital ice is the best) for like 6 hours…then I started throwing up. I was eating too much I think and the epidural didn’t like that. So I threw up once and I was like ok I’ll stop eating the popsicles. But I still want the apple juice. And then I remembered there was ginger ale. Took 2 tiny sips to see if I like it (I know nothing of the brand shasta so I had to analyze the taste 😒) IMMEDIATE NO. Threw it up in like 1 min. Cool. I’ll stick to water…..threw that up too. FINE I WONT DRINK ANYTHING EVEN THO IM HUNGRY AND BECOMING DEHYDRATED. I totally fully became dehydrated and got an infection and finally by maybe 7pm I was at a 7 or 8 and I was like…cool this should go quickly. Wrong. My cervix was being stubborn af….. So they’re flipping me from side to side. Omg btw PEANUT BALLS ARE AS MAGICAL AS THE INTERNET SAYS IT IS. Use iiittttttttt if you get an epidural and need to dilate. It’s amazing. Anyways. At around 9ish-I’m still only at 8 AND THE LEFT SIDE OF MY BODYS EPIDURAL WORE OFF. So I’m feeling contractions at 8cm only on one side. But I was riding the waves and using my low voice for vibrations and pain relief. Anesthesiologists come and fix it but it takes about an hour or so for it to start working on my left side again. At about 10, I’m at a 9. But now I have bad acid reflux. And it’s fierce. Rising in my stomach, into my throat and making me nauseous af and it was burning tf out of my throat. I was miserable. I almost hated that more than contractions bc I could manage contractions. I couldn’t manage the acid. I ended up throwing up twice of just gross bile. It was awful and I wanted to cry. They finally get me some tums, some acid reflux meds to put in my IV and nausea meds to put in my IV. You’d think after all that I’d be ready to push. Nope. 11pm I’m at 9.5cm. They have me doing practice pushes to see if maybe I can push pass the lip of my cervix that is being stubborn but they worry I may rip my cervix which they really don’t want. So we are waiting again, but getting nervous bc baby’s heart keeps rising and falling with the contractions and I’m feverish bc of my infection but they give me antibiotics which is sort of helping but they only have a little bit of time to give me before they have to seriously consider a c section which I really didn’t want bc I was scared and also IM AT 9! So one of the nurses out my right leg up on the side table and we waited. She said back in the day, that used to work really well w a stubborn cervix. And IT DID. By 1215 I was ready to push and pediatric doctors came in as well as my labor and delivery team and they dropped the bottom of my bed off, pulled me closer to the edge, one nurse had a leg, Carmen had my right leg, I had my arms under both legs and I pushed this 9.5lb baby out in 10min!!!!!!!! Born 4 Dec at 1247am💙 It was such a dramatic labor in my opinion. But well worth it.

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caldwellcarson0 · 2 years

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teganberry · 4 years

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To all my followers, and anyone who needed to here this from RIku today!

Reposting my artwork on any site is forbidden, Reblogs are welcome!

#Kingdom Hearts #Kingdom Hearts 3 #Riku #kh #kh3 #Look at the best boy!#my art #ok so I took like a 3 hour nap and felt well enough to draw this #I'm back to dying again now but it was totally worth it #I mean look at the best boy right here!#Imma sleep now

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cloudpaintbrush · 3 years

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sis has finally snapped 🥳

#uncontrollably crying because i was ALREADY upset about what im gonna do about finishing school during a pandemic #and my mom informed me her boss (the church pastor) was complaining about me decorating the christmas tree #i decorate trees for my job so as a nice thing to do (for a church i don’t even attend) i offered to decorate the tree #my mother told the pastor i would DESIGN the tree which is a pretty big job #so i basically got stuck w the job of two people but i was like ok whatever i’ll make it work #because i was excited i got to design a tree for the first time #today the pastor told my mom i needed to finish the tree by this weekend because she promised some other people it would be done #and i was like 🥴 but ok it won’t be perfect but i’ll make it work #because once again i was doing something i get paid to do for FREE just because i wanted to do something nice for christmas #my mother just informed me the pastor said she could finish the tree in 90 minutes #it took my mom and i 3 hours just to remove the broken lights from the tree #my mom and i almost invested a lot of time looking for decorations and discussing ideas #so in total this would have been close to 2 full work days #i have completed almost $200 worth of labor for free just to be nice #also she complained that i only work on the tree during the weekend 🤪#i have a full time job and i only have 5 hours of personal time a day #and originally they wanted the tree done by advent so this just got pushed up two weeks early #just like aaaahhh fucking do it yourself ma’am i can’t believe she had the audacity to say this to my own mother

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aphrodite-made-me-write-it · 2 years

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Habits - Part 1

(A/N) oh hey, it’s the comeback (cumback?) fic i didn’t intend to be the comeback fic. i really did want to update stuff and post this other yelena fic i have that’s actually cute and has a real plot to it but instead i read Come Back To Me by reminiscingtonight and it was just so goshdarn good that it got me to write this garbage instead! her fic is extremely good and it has 3 parts to it!!! hotdamn!!! i read it at work and it made me happy. anyway, hi! i had to cut this into two parts! expect inconsistency! i’m back to a 6-7 day work schedule with the holidays but i do have something kinda planned for december! ok enough rambling! let’s do this!

Rating: E (literal p0rn without much plot) 18+ Only!

Warnings: fuckboy!yelena (lowkey tho lmfao); protectiveAF!natasha; hella smut; ye olde ‘best friend’s sibling’ trope; nat and yelena are only 2 years apart in this bc it makes me feel better abt age gaps and ill be honest math is not my strongsuit; yelena basically fucks ur brains out idk what else to say; oh, also, reader’s parents r shitty and manipulative; mentions of past abuse, but super brief; really the parents dont pay too much of a role in this half

Pairing: Yelena Belova x Fem!Reader; Natasha x Fem!Best Friend!Reader; Natasha x Wanda Maximoff (i love redheads)

Chapter Word Count: 7.2k

Total Word Count: 30.1k

Synopsis: It’s been a few years since you last saw your childhood best friend, Natasha, and her little sister, Yelena. Transferring colleges leads to you needing a roommate, and that roommate just so happens to be Natasha. Not much has changed between you, you’re still thick as thieves. Her sister, however, is a completely different story.

| Part Two | Part Three | Part Four |

gif source

Russian Translations: Malyshka - babygirl; Milaya - darling; Dorogoy - sweetheart |

You’ve known Natasha Romanoff for, practically, your entire lives. Your friendship was sealed the day she pushed Jason Grey off of the swingset for calling you ugly in the first grade. You were basically inseparable after that.

Yelena is adopted when you and Natasha are nine, and she is seven. Melina and Alexei had adopted Natasha before leaving Russia, and were apparently keen on adopting the little toddler young Natasha couldn’t stand to leave behind. It took a few years for the paperwork to go through, and the payoff, it seemed, was worth it. The second they’re reunited, Yelena and Natasha are sisters without a doubt. It may not have been by blood, but that didn’t matter.

Of course, Yelena is also adopted into your friendship with the redhead soon after. Yelena was curious while she adjusted to her new life, always inquisitive and asking questions. Eventually, her curiosity turned into complete headstrong foolishness. Sneaking home lizards and the like.

You didn’t mind, though.

In all honesty, you preferred their house to your own.

Your dad was a very busy person, and your mom wasn’t the best company. She was a perfectionist, through and through, and often expected the same from you. The pressure was really put on you when you started middle school. You needed the best grades, the highest place in whatever after school activities you chose. It was grating, exhausting, and their fights that rode late into the night never helped things.

Still, Yelena and Natasha were your distraction from it all. The more pleasant side of life, the side you couldn’t stand leaving.

Until, of course, you had to.

You’re fifteen when it happens, the threat of it. The word felt so ugly and obscene at the time. Divorce. You spent hours in Natasha’s room crying, both sisters helplessly holding you until you ran out of tears.

That Christmas, your mother actually left until February. That was when your father really began to spiral. He lost his job. He started drinking. He started yelling at you. Started hitting you. You could have told someone - you should have. You only told Natasha and Yelena, though, forcing them to swear to never tell a soul. It was stupid of you, really.

You’re weeks away from sixteen when the shoe finally drops.

He hits your mom. She grabs you, and you’re driving out of town before you can even process it. The image of Natasha and Yelena following your mother’s car has, naturally, haunted you every waking moment since it happened. Your mom was always very anti-social-anything. No cellphones, no email, nothing. Contact with your best friends was hopeless. Gut-wrenchingly hopeless.

You’re grown-up, now. At least, on paper. The rest of high school was spent all the way in New York City, and you didn’t make many friends. You dated a few people here and there, but mostly you focused on your schoolwork the way your mother demanded you to. It became a saving grace, the idea of getting somewhere far away from her.

You don’t get far for long, though. Your first two years are spent at a college you can go to from home. You hate every second of it, and it takes a long while to convince her to let you transfer to another school where you won’t have to be watched like a hawk.

That leads you, at last, to Temple University. Philadelphia. Sure, it’s just a few hours’ drive away but that distance is fucking gold to you. You had originally searched for a roommate through a variety of social medias, looking for friends of friends you could possibly bunk up with - and that, miraculously, lead you back to Natasha.

The reunion is the happiest you’ve felt in so long, you cry. You spend hours catching up among the unpacked boxes, when Yelena is brought up.

“She’s coming a week after me. I transferred from Ohio State, and she’ll be a freshman. God, she’s gonna be thrilled to see you. She spent, like, months crying over you when you left.”

You snort. “What, and you didn’t?”

“How could I when she was inconsolable?” Natasha scoffs. “It did suck, though. We missed you. I missed you.” She squeezes your hand tightly. “And now we can finally get drunk together like we planned for your sweet sixteen.”

“I didn’t get a drop of alcohol until I got to college,” you gripe. “Mom became like, the grade demon of my worst nightmares.”

“Your dad still lives there. Why didn’t you visit?”

“Yeah, joint custody didn’t last long.” You cringe. “He, uh, got one supervised visit with me in New York and sort of strangled me.”

“Dude, what the fuck?”

“It’s chill, now,” you lean back against the sofa, the only piece of furniture in your living room that’s accessible. “I mean, it’s whatever. He’s a deadbeat, anyways.”

And for the next handful of days, you and Natasha become as close as you had been before you left. Some bonds just transcend years like that, and you’re glad it was this way for you and Natasha.

The week before school leads to Natasha wanting to throw a party to celebrate. You aren’t surprised she’s already made friends here - she’s always been the more social type - but she seems very giddy when she explains her reasoning.

“Does this have to do with that Sokovian chick?” You ask when Natasha finishes cleaning the place for the millionth time since she’d woken up this morning. (Which, by the way, was six o’clock, because Natasha is fucking insane.) “Wendy?”

She glares at you from over her shoulder. “Wanda,” she corrects. “And, no.”

You laugh at the flush on her cheeks. “So if she shows up to the party I should tell her it’s invite-only?”

“No! Don’t be an asshole!” Natasha whines, throwing the paper towel she’d been using to wipe the bookshelf. It’s not even dirty, but you smack it away with a squeal. “And, by the way, there’s another surprise guest coming, but it’s a secret.”

“Ooh, my favorite actress wrapped in a nice little bow for me?” You ask with a dramatic fluttering of your eyelashes.

“Don’t be gross.” Natasha scolds. “You’re worse than Yelena.”

“Little innocent Yelena?” You cackle, knowing full-well the blonde had been nothing short of troublesome and clever when you left.

“I have it on good authority that she was being a fuckboy when I moved away.” Natasha tuts. “She was just waiting ‘til I left before she started fooling around with people. Typical.”

“Could it be that anyone interested in her was terrified of her big sister roasting them alive?” You inquire teasingly, tapping your chin as if you were truly considering what other options there could be.

“Very funny.” Natasha rolls her eyes. “I wouldn’t ‘roast them alive’. They’d scream too much, I’d get caught immediately.”

The seriousness in her tone makes you laugh. “Yeah, I wouldn’t be caught dead or alive looking at your sister like that.”

She sticks her tongue out in response, quite childishly. You really, really missed her.

- - - - -

Okay, fine, surprise surprise, the girl with the strict mother is a lightweight. So what.

You aren’t hammered, you’re more aware of yourself than that. You’re two drinks in, though, so you’re chattier than usual and a bit too bold. Natasha says you’re a riot when you’re drunk, so that’s something, at least.

You’d just disengaged yourself from a conversation with a guy named Steve - who was strangely old-fashioned but incredibly sweet - to get a drink when you slam into a body. Off-balanced from the rush of blood to your head, you’re lucky that the person steadies you with strong arms before you can fall flat on your face.

You look up at your savior and immediately lose all ability to speak and think and breathe. She’s got blonde hair and gorgeous green eyes, the smirk on her face smug as she watches the way you take in her muscular body. She’s damn hot, a ripped band t-shirt underneath a red flannel, cuffed jeans and combat boots - this is a woman who also likes women, which happens to be one of your favorite type of women.

“Don’t tell me you’re already wasted,” the Russian accent surprises you less than the husky richness of her voice. Oh fuck. She’s really hot. You should say something cool, probably.

“No, she’s just a fucking lightweight,” Natasha’s voice is a saving grace. You look at her with a desperate, silent plea. “(Y/N), meet our secret special guest: Yelena.”

Holy shit.

“Y-Yelena?” You stammer, stiff as a statue as the blonde hasn’t moved her hands from your waist yet.

“Long time no see,” she grins.

You step away from her, hoping to clear your head a little. “Y-you, uh, you grew up.” She’s taller than you by a few inches, now.

She chuckles. “I have,” she confirms, the amusement in her tone telling you that she hasn’t forgotten the way you’d eyed her like a piece of meat moments before.

Natasha looks between you for a moment, an unreadable expression on her face, before she jumps and looks down at her phone. “Wanda’s almost here. I’m gonna go meet her outside. Keep this one out of trouble,” she points at Yelena, who pouts at the accusation of being troublesome.

You make a whipping sound when Natasha walks away, joining Yelena in gut-twisting laughter when Natasha flips you off.

And then you’re alone.

With Yelena.

Out of things to talk about.

“D-d’you wanna drink?” It comes out rushed and awkward, because now that Yelena is looking at you again you feel extremely nervous.

“Sure,” the blonde is smirking again. You’re starting to dread that smirk.

You lead her to the kitchen, fighting hard to keep your mind from going anywhere but the blonde behind you. What the fuck was WRONG with you? This was Yelena. Little Yelena, who Natasha had just said she’d kill people for and you have absolutely zero doubts in your mind that Natasha Romanoff could get away with murder.

You and Natasha had been reunited for little more than a month and you were thinking of her sister in ways you absolutely, totally, should not.

It’s not until you’re in the kitchen that you remember it’s a closed off room, unique to the apartment complex, effectively trapping you with Yelena, without any other partygoers.

Shit.

“S-so, what’s your poison?” You ask, turning to the several bottles of liquor you and Natasha acquired for the party.

“I think I’ve already found it,” she’s way closer than you’d expected. She leans against the counter barely a foot away; close enough to be in your space, but not so close that you’re brushing skin. It’s still too close, you think.

“Nat made sure we had that- that, uh, jet fuel you Russians call vodka.” You reach for the bottle with slightly shaking hands, amazed at how much she’s affected you by just being near you. You feel like a stupid, horny teenager and she literally only touched you once to keep you from falling over.

“I’m not talking about vodka.” Yelena steps forward and you suck in a sharp breath. She’s way too close now. “You know, I always had a bit of a thing for you, growing up.” She says it so casually, you actually don’t process the words at first. “When you left, it was my first real heartbreak.”

“Yelena-” you start, but she keeps talking:

“And just when I thought you were gone forever, Natasha tells me you’re her new roommate.” She licks her lips, and your stupid eyes can’t help tracing the motion. Her smirk widens. “I knew I couldn’t pass up the chance.”

“The chance to- to what, exactly?” You squeak, eyeing the door behind her. Is anyone going to come in here and save you? Do you want them to?

Yelena raises an eyebrow, cocking her head to the side. She’s leaning closer. You find yourself quite frozen, unable perhaps unwilling to move from your spot. “I saw the way you looked at me. You want this just as much as I do.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You lie. You’ve never been a good liar.

Yelena laughs. “Ha! You’re still a terrible liar.”

“And you’re a brat.” You mutter, and then she’s got you pinned to the counter, the edge digging uncomfortably into your back. Both of her palms rest on either side of you. You’re trapped. You’re definitely going to die here.

“Oh, am I?” She teases, amused as she leans in close enough for her breath to ghost your lips. “What does that make you, then?”

“Natasha’s best friend.” You put your hands on her shoulders, pushing lightly to keep the distance between you and hopefully encourage some more. “Who does not want to die a horrible, bloody death for having Natasha finding her pinned against a counter by her little sister.”

Yelena hums, a thoughtful sort of sound that’s very low in her throat. “Who cares about what Natasha thinks? I don’t.”

“You should.” You sound suddenly hoarse as Yelena’s eyes flicker down to your lips.

The front door opens. You push Yelena harder than you’d intended, but she doesn’t budge much. Holy fuck she’s strong. She moves aside though, chuckling lowly as you put a respectable distance between you.

Natasha bursts into the kitchen, Wanda Maximoff in tow while the pair giggle scandalously. Your best friend pauses, looking at you and then Yelena, apparently picking up on the tension that still remains.

“Oh, is this your girlfriend?” Yelena asks, successfully erasing whatever the fuck that was.

You’re in trouble.

You’re in deep, deep fucking trouble.

- - - - -

The next morning, you stumble into the kitchen sleepily. Wanda spent the night in Natasha’s room, but luckily you were out like a light the second you laid down. Yelena took up the couch with two of your four blankets - why Natasha couldn’t spare her own sister some blankets, you’re too frightened to ask - and the mass of blonde hair splayed over the armrest tells you she’s still sound asleep.

You breathe out a sigh of relief once you’ve made a cup of coffee, and it turns soft moan of appreciation when you take your first sip.

“Morning,” a voice startles you, making hot liquid spill over your fingers. You wince, setting the mug down as you turn to face the intruder. Your words get caught in your throat when your eyes find Yelena. Yelena who, apparently, slept in a sports bra and Natasha’s old sweatpants last night.

When your eyes move back to Yelena’s face, she’s wearing that stupid cocky smirk again.

“You know, for someone who denies eye-fucking me, you seem to do it an awful lot.” Yelena sneers. Your cheeks warm considerably. You take your mug and move to the kitchen table, too cowardly to duck out of the conversation and too afraid of her bringing it to the living room where Natasha most certainly could hear it.

“I’m not eye-fucking anybody,” you huff.

“That must be why you’re the color of a tomato.”

“Fuck you.”

“Oh,” her smirk widens, “is that an offer?”

You scoff. “Holy shit, you really are impossible.”

“Maybe you should just admit the truth to yourself.” She begins making her own cup of coffee. You’re relieved to not have those piercing eyes on you anymore, but you don’t let down your guard.

“And what truth is that?” You ask, hoping to sound casual.

“You’re just as into me as I’m into you.” She answers simply, throwing a look over her shoulder. “It’s alright, I don’t mind waiting. I’ve waited this long.”

You grit your teeth. “Jesus, Lena.”

“I’m just being honest.” She joins you at the table, looking calm as ever even though you’re practically having a meltdown internally. “I’ve wanted you since I could want anyone like that.”

“You really shouldn’t say shit like that.”

“Why?”

“Because-”

“If you’re gonna use the best friend excuse again, it’s a shit one.” Yelena rolls her eyes, sipping her coffee. You cross your arms defiantly, earning an amused grin from the blonde. “If anything, she should be happy. She already likes you.”

“That will change the second I touch you.”

“So you do want to touch me?”

You bite your tongue. How the fuck does she keep coming at you so fast like this? You haven’t even finished your first damn cup of coffee. It’s too early for this.

“Yelena-”

“Oh! Sorry!” A familiar voice pulls your attention to the doorway. Wanda is standing there in one of Natasha’s shirts and a pair of pajama pants. There are hickeys all over her neck, her hair clearly messed up from a long night. “I didn’t hear you guys. Kitchen’s practically sound-proof.” She chuckles awkwardly, eyeing the coffee pot. “Is- is that fresh?”

“Yep, help yourself.” You nod and she quickly makes two cups of coffee. You and Yelena share a meaningful look, united in your opportunity to tease Natasha later.

“So, Yelena,” Wanda begins, cutting the silence. “Natasha said you got a scholarship here for lacrosse. That’s cool.”

“Yeah,” Yelena leans back in her seat, grinning. “Been at it since freshman year of high school. My grades were fine, but this was the only offer that was a full-ride.”

Wanda hums, eyeing the door with a soft expression. “That’s nice. I’ll see you guys later, yeah?”

When she leaves, you’re once again emerged in that strangely charged atmosphere that seems to gravitate between you and Yelena.

“I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not stick around to hear Natasha and Wanda go for round two.” She says, wrinkling her nose.

“Dunno, the kitchen is pretty soundproof apparently. This could be our only safe space for a few hours.” You say it flippantly, meaning it entirely as a joke, but suddenly Yelena looks like the cat who caught the canary.

“And what do you suggest we do to pass the time?” She asks.

“You’re right, a day out sounds great,” you stand so quickly the chair almost falls over. Yelena is cackling at you, but you ignore her. “Get dressed, jerk, we’re going into the city.”

- - - - -

“Ooh, this is cool,” Yelena eyes the vest with a hungry expression.

You snort. “What, are you enlisting?”

She rolls her eyes. “Do you not see all of those pockets? I could fit so many things in there, you wouldn’t even know.”

You’ve been out with Yelena for the better part of three hours, and in that time you’ve come to realize how much you’d missed her. Not that you weren’t aware of it before, but it feels like the world was somewhat dull without her presence. Her sarcasm, her cleverness, her mischievous grin.

She’s too endearing for your own good.

And beautiful, too. You think that’s the worst part. You often just find yourself looking at her, in awe of how she looks and speaks and acts. Still so confident in herself and everything she does, in the most mundane situations. Right now, as she pulls on the vest to look at herself in the mirror, she looks lovelier than ever.

Oh no, you think distantly. This was not a good idea!

“What do you think?” She asks, giving herself a long once over before turning to look at you. “I look good, right?”

You smile, unable to resist it. “You look very cool.”

“I knew it!” She hisses under her breath, turning back to the mirror. She really is cute. She catches your gaze through the reflection, winking when your eyes meet. You blush, deciding the floor is very interesting and a thousand times cooler than anything else in the store.

“Damn, it’s thirty-six dollars,” Yelena sighs.

“I’ll buy it for you,” you offer without thinking about it.

Yelena throws her arms around your neck and for a horrifying moment you brace yourself for her lips to meet yours. Instead, she hugs you, and you have to force yourself to relax again.

“You’re so sweet, thank you,” she gushes.

You’re in deep shit, you just know it.

Natasha calls you around two to ask where you and Yelena were. By this point, you’d made your way to a little cafe, where you ended up talking about what happened in your years of separation. Yelena is relentlessly flirty, apparently keen on proving to you that you’re attracted to her and you certainly aren’t making a good case for yourself what with all the blushing and, admittedly, occasional flirtatious comment.

When you tell her where you are, Natasha says she and Wanda will join you.

“Aw, and I was enjoying our date,” Yelena pouts when you tell her the news.

“This was a date?” You ask with an amused snort.

“Of course it was. You bought me this nice vest and breakfast, and you also just bought me coffee.” Yelena rolls her eyes, as if it were obvious.

“Do me a favor and don’t ever call this a date in front of Natasha. I like my blood inside of my body.” You warn.

“So you agree, then?” Yelena brightens. “This is a date?”

“Yelena-”

“I’m just repeating what you said,” she bats her eyelashes innocently.

You sigh, rolling your eyes and pointedly not responding. She seems to take this as a victory, since she’s still in a happy mood by the time Natasha and Wanda join you.

“Cool vest,” Wanda compliments, sitting beside Yelena while Natasha takes the seat beside you.

“Thanks,” Yelena grins, “(Y/N) bought it for me.”

“What, did she ‘forget’ to bring her wallet?” Natasha scoffs, earning a pout from her sister.

“It’s a few belated birthday presents,” you excuse, heart warming just a little more when Yelena’s eyes meet yours again. Her lips are ever so slightly curved upwards, an almost unnoticeable smile.

You spend another hour or two at the cafe before Yelena complains about having to stay at a dorm her first year.

“Moving in with you guys would be so much easier,” she sighs.

“We only have two bedrooms.” Natasha snorts. “I’m not sharing my bed with you, you’re a violent sleeper.”

“Am not!” Yelena gasps, clutching her chest. “That is a baseless accusation.”

“You literally punched me in the face once.” Natasha scowls.

You burst out with laughter. You were actually there for that one. You were all still pretty young, so you managed to squeeze into a small tent in Natasha’s backyard. Yelena practically begged to be between you, but Natasha was right: she’s a violent sleeper. She kicked a lot, but she was always facing away from you, so it was always Natasha who got kicked. When Natasha tried to turn Yelena over to face you because you were laughing at Natasha, the blonde woke up and suckerpunched Natasha with such impressive accuracy you couldn’t stop laughing.

“Keep laughing, (Y/N),” Natasha warns, “and I’ll start thinking you two are up to something.”

You have to fight the very sudden rise of panic in your chest. What the hell are you worried for? You aren’t up to anything! This wasn’t even a date!

“You’ve caught us,” Yelena recovers, casting you a sly smirk. “We’re conspiring against you.”

“I fucking knew it.” Natasha throws a balled up napkin at her sister.

- - - - -

It’s the last Saturday before school starts. Since the party on Wednesday, Natasha and Wanda have been entirely consumed with one another and Yelena has decided that tormenting you is her favorite pastime. When she drops by unannounced, she makes it a point to tease you and flirt with you when Natasha isn’t watching or listening.

Even worse, when you go to sleep, you keep dreaming about her. Yelena has become a permanent fixture in the back of your mind, always a second-thought. You hate yourself for it. You should be thinking of Natasha first, and how goddamn betrayed she’d feel if you went off and slept with her baby sister.

You’ve decided tonight is going to be a good night to get absolutely wasted.

It’s not going well.

You’re on drink two and you’ve moved to the dancefloor at the behest of Natasha. She’s introducing you to someone whose name you don’t quite catch. She’s hot, sure, but you’re too confused and stressed to really listen.

The more Yelena hung out with you, the more you were starting to question what it was, exactly, you were feeling about her. She’s Natasha’s sister, yes, and you’ve known her for years. Practically grew up with her. Her friendship was always a valued one, even if she was younger, but suddenly all of that is fogged up by this… great, big something she’s implanted in your brain.

You want to scream. Or cry. Or forget yourself.

Yes, that last option is too appealing right now.

It’s easy for a while. You let the woman - Carol - dance with you provocatively, her hands gripping your waist in a way that, typically, you’d definitely enjoy. Even when you can feel her hard muscles moving against you, you can’t quite stay in the moment long enough. You keep picturing Yelena behind you, arms around you, hands moving from your waist to your sides. It feels good - you’re definitely turned on - but it’s not what you want and that’s all the more frustrating.

Carol, swaying her hips flush against yours, leans down until her lips brush against your ear. “Wanna come back to mine?”

You should. You should definitely go back to Carol’s.

But you can’t.

“I’m actually feeling a little, uh, lightheaded,” you separate from her, trying not to wince at the kicked puppydog expression on her face. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” she recovers quickly, smiling. “Need a ride to your place?”

You shake your head, swallowing your agitation. “I’m fine. I could use the fresh air. Thank you, though.”

“Can I at least get your number?”

Because you feel guilty, and because you can feel Natasha eyeing you questioningly from a few feet away, you give Carol your number before slipping through the dancing bodies. Natasha catches you by the wrist before you go, raising an eyebrow in a silent question.

“Just nervous about school,” you lie smoothly. “I’ll see you at home?”

“I’m going to Wanda’s after, actually,” Natasha smiles fondly at the woman still rolling her hips in time with the music. “But I’ll see you at some point tomorrow?”

You nod, giving a polite wave to Wanda before finally escaping the club.

The night is blissfully cool on your overheated skin. You can’t believe how worked up you’d actually been. Maybe you should go back and take Carol up on her offer-

No, that wouldn’t be right. Carol is definitely into you, and she seems really sweet. You shouldn’t just fuck her because you can’t stop thinking about wanting to fuck your best friend’s sister.

Oof.

You don’t think you’ve actually finished that thought before.

God, I’m a horrible friend. You think bitterly, beginning the short walk back to your apartment.

Your mind isn’t any clearer by the time you get home, but you become very sober when you realize the lights are all on and the TV is making noise from the living room. Grabbing the baseball bat you keep by the door, you creep towards the living room on high alert.

“Do you really think a serial killer wouldn’t remove the only weapon you have by the front door while breaking in?” A familiar voice makes you go rigid. Of course. Of course that’s exactly how your night would go. Perfect. Fucking perf- “Are you just gonna stand there like an idiot or are you going to put the stupid bat down?”

You blush, setting the bat aside while muttering several expletives under your breath. Sure enough, Yelena has made herself perfectly at home on the couch.

“It’s a Saturday night, don’t you have a life? How did you even get in?” You ask, crossing your arms and leaning against the doorway that leads from the front hall to the living room, the edge of the kitchen door tempting you to just hide until Yelena leaves.

“Well, I heard Natasha and Wanda were going out, so I figured you’d be home alone.” She shrugs. “And Nat gave me a key.” She dangles the object with a grin.

“What, you thought I wouldn’t go out to a club with them?” You shake your head with a scoff. “I’m not a total shut-in.”

“You totally are, but whatever.” She snorts, scooting over and patting the spot next to her. You eye her with blatant suspicion and she laughs. “What?”

“Nothing,” you mutter, reluctantly sitting beside her with a decent amount of cushion space between you. She’s watching some classic movie no doubt from Natasha’s collection that she keeps hidden in her room.

Your phone vibrates in your pocket. You pull it out, withering further into the guilty haze you’d left the club in.

Hey, it’s Carol :) If you change your mind, don’t hesitate to ask ;)

“Who’s that?” Yelena asks, peering at your phone.

You shove it back into your pocket with a scowl. “Nobody important.”

“Bullshit. You know you’re not a good liar.”

You glare at her, but it does nothing. She holds your gaze evenly, almost patiently. It makes you even angrier at her, at yourself, at the way your stupid body won’t fucking listen to reason. “Just a girl I met at the club tonight. She’s a little… eager to see me again.”

There’s a brief look of hurt on Yelena’s face, but it’s so brief you almost don't notice it. “Oh? What’s her name?”

“Carol.”

“Danvers?”

You shrug. “Maybe.”

She scoffs. “You can do better.”

“Yelena,” you begin warningly, disliking the abrupt change in atmosphere.

“What? I’m being honest.”

“She seems… nice.”

“Just ‘nice’?”

“We didn’t exactly talk much.”

“Oh, so you were-”

“I wasn’t doing anything because I couldn’t stop thinking about you, actually.” You snap, unable to control yourself. You want to sound angry, but really you just sound tired. “Fucking Christ, Yelena. I can’t get you out of my head.”

Her expression brightens considerably at this. She moves closer, and you’re once again snared by those damn green eyes and that dumb cocky smirk that you’ve come to associate with Yelena. “Really?”

“We really, really shouldn’t do this.” You state, hoping you sound stronger than you actually feel.

“And why’s that?” She tilts her head, amused. “Because of my sister? She should give you her blessing. Who else would be better for me than someone she already approves of?”

You don’t like how reasonable she sounds when she’s breathing the same air as you, her eyes searching yours.

“She’s going to kill me if-”

“If.”

There’s something magical about the word ‘if’. Maybe dancing with Carol had you more worked up than you’d thought. You wish you could blame it on the alcohol but with Yelena so close you’re achingly sober. Maybe there are no excuses for what happens next.

Yelena’s lips find yours with absolute raw lust. Part of you hoped that just doing this, just kissing her, will satiate the longing for her that plagues your mind. (The rest of you knows better than to be stupid enough to believe that.)

Like with everything she does, Yelena kisses like she has something to prove. Maybe she does. You don’t care because it’s making your mind go completely blank and your body is buzzing with a million galaxies being born under her attention. You drink her in like a woman starved, drowning in her scent and her taste and the feeling of her hands curling into your hair and pulling you closer, closer, closer.

She’s on top of you, you aren’t sure how it happened. Her lips and her teeth and tongue are on your neck, finding places that pull quiet sounds from the back of your throat. You can feel her smirking against your skin, god-

You are a horrible, horrible best friend.

(Why is it getting harder to care?)

You shove aside the guilt. You want this. You need this.

“I’ve thought about how you’d feel like this for so long,” Yelena breathes against you. You’re positive she’s just left a wicked hickey. It makes you bite back a moan. “How you’d sound,” she continues, fingers dancing along the edges of your shirt, earning a quiet whimper. You let her pull it off of you, and she’s already unbuttoning your jeans. “How you’d taste,” she purrs, kissing down to your collarbone. She moves between your breasts, placing deliberate, wet, hot kisses wherever she pleases, more often than not leaving a dark red mark behind. When she eases your jeans off of your legs, she kisses your thighs and you’re so fucking desperate your hips twitch involuntarily.

Yelena laughs throatily, tossing aside the clothes with such smug pleasure it makes your teeth itch. “So sensitive,” she notes, almost carelessly tracing the edge of your bra. “Or are you just that desperate for me to fuck you?”

“God, Yelena,” you rasp. This is very much not the rambunctious freshman that ran after your mom’s shitty old sedan. Time has turned Yelena into the perfect weapon against you. Go figure.

Where the fuck did your bra go?

Your fingers curl tightly in her hair when lips wrap around one of your nipples. Finding it harder to keep your noises at bay, a small whimper escapes you when teeth graze against the sensitive skin. Yelena hums against you, eyes flickering up to meet yours. She switches to your other breast, one of her hands slipping between your legs to rub against you through your panties.

Her smirk is wider than ever when she pulls away from your breast. “Fucking soaked, just as I thought.”

“Shut up,” you huff.

In an instant, she has your hands pinned above your head. You stare up at her, dumbfounded. “How the hell did you get so strong?” You ask, unable to resist doing so.

She bites her lip, fighting a smile. “You should mind your manners. For being so rude, I’m going to make you beg for it.”

You gape at her. “What? You’re the one who said you wanted to- that you’ve been wanting to-”

“Yes,” she hums, leaning down so that she can place more marks on your neck. How the hell you’ll hide those monsters in the morning, you’ve got no idea. “But I like taking my time. You, however,” she snaps the waistband of your panties against your skin, earning a hiss of pain and pleasure. “You don’t seem like you’ll last very long.”

Yelena brings a lot out in you, apparently. You’ve never really considered yourself ‘bratty’ or anything before. But the idea of doing exactly what Yelena doesn’t want you to do is so goddamn tempting. Maybe because you know she’s going to make it very much worth it in the end. Yelena has always been one to keep promises.

“No.”

Your answer takes her by surprise, certainly, but she recovers quickly. She looks delighted, even, when she leans back just enough to look you in the eye.

“No?” She repeats slowly. “You sure about that, malyshka?”

You nod, mouth incredibly dry.

Yelena growls under her breath, returning to her assault on your neck while her free hand starts to massage your already sensitive breasts. You suck in a sharp breath, decidedly holding back any noises you want to make. Yelena catches on fast to your ploy by the time she pushes a knee between your thighs to put just enough pressure against your core to make your body feel like it’s on fire.

“Oh, don’t hold back, milaya. I want to hear those pretty little noises you make,” Yelena croons, rolling her hips so that a delicious friction temporarily relieves the growing agony between your legs. You hiss out a curse, hands straining uselessly against the one Yelena uses to keep you firmly in place. “Aw, you want more?”

“I want you in less clothes,” you huff impatiently.

“You haven’t earned that yet.” Yelena tuts, her free hand now dipping beneath your panties. She finds the pool of wetness waiting for her there and hums lowly. A keening sound that doesn’t resemble any sort of sound you’ve ever made before escapes you, unbidden. “All you have to do is ask nicely, malyshka,” she drawls, “and I’ll make you feel so good.”

With another roll of her hips, Yelena has your resolve reduced to ashes.

“Please,” you whine. “Please, Yelena.”

“Please what?”

You try not to roll your eyes. “Please fuck me. I need you to fuck me, I want you to make me-” you’re cut off by a long, deep moan that escapes you very unexpectedly when Yelena’s fingers plunge into you without warning. A new look of victory crosses Yelena’s face, lips quirking up into a grin as she watches you with rapt attention, taking note of what makes you break your internal vow of silence.

When she adds a thumb to your clit, you’re incoherently begging for more.

“More?” Yelena taunts. “Greedy thing, aren’t you?”

“Please, please, more,” you rasp. Pathetic.

“Mm, I love hearing you ask so nicely,” Yelena praises. You’re trembling beneath her touch, now. “Beg me again. One more time malyshka.”

“Please, Yelena,” you meet her eyes desperately. “Please, I need more.”

“Okay, alright,” Yelena hums her low laugh into your skin, lowering herself until she’s between your legs. “You can have more, dorogoy. You can have everything you want if you keep being good for me.” You’ll do anything she fucking asks if she keeps-

With your hands freed, nothing stops you from grasping at Yelena’s t-shirt while a long, wonton moan rips itself from your throat. Yelena is eating you out like she was born to do it. It’s amazing how quickly she’s learned to make you fall apart - or maybe you’ve really just been anticipating this enough to make it feel that way - but it isn’t long before you’re reduced to mindless, senseless noises that could be full sentences but you aren’t sure.

Yelena hums when one of your hands grips her hair, hips trying hard to move against her. She uses the hand not currently pounding into you to hold your hips down, not allowing them to budge even an inch as she drives you closer and closer to the edge. When her fingers curl and press against a spot inside of you that makes you see stars, your orgasm hits you without warning.

The blonde is relentless. She doesn’t slow down, just focuses harder on fucking you deep, deep, deep until another climax ripples through you. She waits until you’re a sweating, trembling mess before finally slowing down enough for you to catch your breath.

Yelena places several kisses along your body while she returns to your lips, and this kiss is different from the others. Softer, less rushed. You dare even say it’s passionate. You return the kiss lazily, body limp between aftershocks of pleasure while Yelena slowly withdraws her fingers.

She only pulls back from the kiss to pop her fingers in her mouth, sucking on them obscenely before kissing you again and letting you taste yourself on her tongue. Fuck. Your hands move to her waist, pulling her flush against you.

This time when she pulls away, Yelena is smiling. Not the smug, cocky smile that you’d been expecting. It’s a real one, a bright one that reminds you sharply of the little girl you grew up with. If you had any doubts before that she’s wanted this for a long time, they’re gone in an instant when you see the joy in her eyes.

Instead of letting the guilt take hold, you press a soft kiss to her lips and smile lazily at her. “I want to make you feel good, too.”

Her eyes search your face, like she can’t really believe that you’re requesting this, but she nods and starts working on her vest - the vest you’d bought for her, you realize with a shocking amount of satisfaction - and shirt.

With every inch of skin newly exposed, you run your fingers along it or skim kisses in spots that make Yelena inhale sharply. She’s not as vocal as you are, but her hums of encouragement are damn hot so you’re not complaining. She seems very content to be on top of you, apparently, and that’s just fine. Once her pants and panties are off, you reach down between her legs while placing kisses along her neck and shoulder.

You both let out quiet moans when you find the wetness waiting for you there. You wish you could feel more smug about it, but honestly you’re just eager to make her feel something for the way she’s worked you up this week.

You make small, teasing circles against her clit, feeling her hips move in time with the motions. Your kisses move to her jaw, and when her mouth meets yours you slip your fingers inside of Yelena and swallow the resulting groan.

She rides your fingers with reckless abandon. She keeps placing purposeful kisses to your neck, your shoulder, your jaw, collarbone - Yelena is intent on making sure you don’t forget the occasion. When you add a third finger and curl your hand so that she can rub her clit against the heel of your palm, Yelena bites down hard. Without even being touched, you suddenly find yourself dangerously close to having another orgasm; a broken, strangled whine slipping free.

Yelena moans, her breath hot on your ear. She moves until her thigh is pressing against you again, her hips rolling freely against the fingers inside of her. It causes just enough friction to make you clumsy in your thrusts, brain and body fighting for control.

“Come with me,” Yelena murmurs, and just like that, you’re both teetering over the edge together. Your body has officially turned into a twitching, useless mass of limbs. Your breath lingers with Yelena’s as she quakes with aftershocks of her own climax, and when you’re able to breathe again she connects your lips.

It’s lazy, it’s messy. Your hands rest on Yelena’s waist now, the blonde’s body resting on top of yours while her arms rest on either side of you. You’re incredibly tired - and a little bit thirsty, but you’re way too comfortable to move right now. Yelena is warm, and it feels nice having her this close.

When she ends the kiss, she places another quick peck to your lips before resting her forehead against yours. You already feel guilty, but there’s just too much coziness in the afterglow of this moment. Yelena’s eyes are searching yours for something, her smile tender.

“I really have wanted this. For a while.” She says quietly.

“I know.” You move one hand up to tuck her hair behind her ear.

“I missed you.” She leans into your touch, never breaking your gaze.

“I know,” you repeat, kissing her gently. “I missed you, too.”

Guilt be damned, Yelena’s smile is worth it.

~ part 2 ~

- Gen. Tag List -

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@nobody13 @fireflyglass @swords-are-cool @artapdarkstr @pasta-bandit @multi-images @women-am-i-right

#to explain my absence i will summarize the summer as such:#i was being a hoe sorry #like i needed that idk what to say #ur girl just needed 2 eat out for a few months LSKDJFLASKDJF #anyway im back and im gayer #yelena belova x reader #yelena x reader #yelena x fem!reader #yelena belova imagine #yelena imagine #nobody13 #fireflyglass #swords-are-cool #artapdarkstr #pasta-bandit #multi-images #women-am-i-right

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