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the-iceni-bitch · 3 years

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tumblr has been eating all my asks recently and i think it ate my request so let's try this again. can you do 53, 69, and 83 for either ransom or ari (you can choose!!) love your writing btw <3

53) “Is that a tattoo?”

69) “Come here, baby, let Mommy/Daddy take care of you.”

83) “Aww, poor baby, you want me to take care of it for you?”

Secretly tattooed daddy!Ari you say? I’m about to ruin myself but ok.

Warnings: explicit language, explicit sexual content (unprotected vaginal sex), big old tattoo kink, SMUT!!!! 18+ ONLY!!!!!

You tapped your pen irritably on the document in front of you as you tried to concentrate on your work.

But you couldn’t because Ari was doing fucking pushups across the room from you.

He’d been doing them for the past five minutes, and you were getting wetter by the second, your skirt starting to stick to your thighs as you squirmed uncomfortably. You hated how much he turned you on, especially when the two of you were supposed to be going over field reports.

“Levinson! C’mon man, we only have like three more of these to get through.” You whined. “I wanna go home!”

That sly smirk he gave you as he stood up was not helping and you crossed your legs to hopefully relieve some of the tension.

“Sorry, sweetheart.” He said in that low growl that made your ovaries flip. “Needed to break up the monotony somehow.”

“Sure.” You fought the urge to bang your forehead against the desk as you watched him run his hand over his neck. Your eyes were trained on the curve of his shoulders when you caught a glimpse of black lettering over his collarbone and felt yourself clench. “Is that a tattoo?”

“Hmm? Yeah, it’s an Eckhart Tolle quote. You ok there?”

You were decidedly not ok, biting your lips and almost ripping the report you were reading in half. The last thing you needed was for Ari fucking Levinson to figure out that you had a massive tattoo kink. But your brain was starting to go offline as you felt a low throbbing between your thighs.

“Is... is that the only one you have?” You practically moaned, cursing yourself in your mind for giving into your libido.

“No.” Damn that smirk, what a fucking tease. “You wanna see the rest of them?”

You just nodded vigorously as you started grinding yourself into your seat. His fingers moved slowly to undo the buttons of his shirt as you gazed at him, groaning when he slid it down his shoulders.

There were several tattoos over his torso and upper arms, and when he turned around you saw a thin line of letters tracing over his spine. Everything below your waist was warm and pulsing as you looked at him, your heart fluttering in your chest.

“What about you gorgeous?” He asked, a wicked glint in his eye as he grinned at you. “You got any ink?”

“Yeah.” You hated how squeaky your voice was when he stepped closer to you, you breath coming in shallow pants as you gazed up at him from your seat.

“Well?” He cocked his eyebrow and gripped your chin with his thumb and forefinger, tilting your face up even further.

“Huh? Right!” You tried not to giggle hysterically as you worked to unbutton your blouse.

Everywhere his eyes raked over your skin left a trail of fire, your skin heating under his gaze as he watched you undress. He whistled between his teeth when you tossed your blouse aside and stood up, his hand reaching out to turn you so he could examine the intricate tree that ran over your ribs and the right side of your back, moving into flowering vines as it trailed down your arm.

“This is extremely impressive, sweetheart.” Ari purred, his fingers tracing over the raised lines of ink on your shoulder. “Who would’ve thought you were hiding all this under those uptight little outfits.”

“Yeah, looks like we’re both full of surprises.” You bit your lip as you turned to him, bringing your own hands up to run over his tattoos.

His fingers trailed down your torso and over your hip before drawing up the hem of your skirt as he stepped closer to you. A moan escaped your chest as he ran his fingers over the inside of your thigh before brushing against the dampened silk of your panties.

“Shit, honey, you are soaked.” He growled, pressing his fingers to your sodden core as you gasped wantonly. “Come here, baby, let Daddy take care of you.”

“Oh, you want me to call you daddy?” Your voice was husky with desire as you ground against his fingers. “Not gonna fucking happen.”

A grin split your face when he huffed as you shoved him back into the chair, stepping forward until your thighs were spread over his lap. He groaned when you dipped your fingers down to undo his fly, drawing out his extremely impressive cock. Your entire mouth filled with saliva when you got a good look at it, thick and veiny and a perfect pink tip you would’ve sucked on if your pussy wasn’t aching with need.

“Shit, that looks uncomfortable.” You teased as you swiped your thumb over his slit and he tried to buck into you.

“Oh, you’re fucking dangerous.” He hissed as you sank down just enough for his tip to tease against your slick coated folds.

“Aww, poor baby, you want me to take care of it for you?” You purred, sliding his tip inside you then stopping again. “Better ask me real nice.”

The sound he made when you sank down the rest of the way made your stomach flip. You didn’t move though, aside from bending forward to run your lips over the ink on his collarbone.

“Shit, god, please baby!” He cried when you clenched around him, your eyelashes skimming over his skin as you sucked a bruise against his chest.

“Mmm, good boy.”

You rose up slowly before dropping down into his lap again as he let out an obscene groan. The ache in your core finally started to ebb as you rode him, a warm coil replacing it. His cock was hitting every spot you needed it to, dragging through your warm channel until your eyes were rolling back in your skull.

He moved his hands to grip your hips, his fingertips digging bruises into your flesh as he took over your rhythm. The tip of his cock punched you in the cervix with a particularly vicious thrust and you screamed as you vision whited out and you came violently. Your body bowed backwards as you fluttered around him, catching yourself on his knees at the last second before you fell off him.

“Fuck, honey there’s still other people here!” He muttered giddily as he drew you back into lap.

“Sorry, you’re just so fucking big.” You whined, sagging forward against his chest as he fucked you through it.

He grinned into your hair as he held you tightly, his hips still pistoning into you as you moaned against his chest. The coil in your abdomen started tightening again as he twitched inside you.

“You feel so fucking good.” He growled, tucking his face into the hollow behind your ear as he nipped at your jaw. “God, I’m gonna come, gimme one more?”

The moan you let out was obscene as you clamped down on him, your fingers digging into his arms. Your torso rolled on a wave of pleasure and you pressed your chest to his before collapsing. Three more thrusts and he was gone, his cock swelling inside you until he was flooding you with his spend. He fucked it into you with staggering jabs, holding you tightly to his chest once he was finished.

“So, reports?” You said, pulling the rolling chair back towards the desk as he panted underneath you. You weren’t gonna be able to walk for a while.

——————————————————————————

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#natalie answers #anon answered #ari levinson fanfiction #ari levinson one shot #ari levinson smut #ari levinson x reader #ari levinson x female reader #ari levinson x y/n #ari levinson x you #ari levinson #chris evans #chris evans smut #chris evans character #tattoo kink

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robert-de-niro-only-fans · 3 years

Text

Dewey Decimal System

Max Cady x Reader in the library, no plot, just smut

Dedicating this little work to @droogiesanddiscourse who just today found out she's graduating with honors!!! I'm so proud of you bb!!!!!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

TW: smut, public sex, explicit/raunchy dialogue, Max Cady in general?

Word Count: 2.2k

“My baby’s so smart, knowing how to find any book in the library,” your boyfriend, Max, coos quietly to you as you saunter through the aisles and aisles of books, softly leading him with his hand in yours. “You know I didn’t learn to read until my stay in the big house, but I never did learn numbers all that well. I’m glad my little princess can navigate this, uh, what do you call it? Dew something?’

“The Dewey Decimal System!” you whisper in a giggle.

“The Dewey Decimal System...” he tried the words out on his tongue, “Well, I’m glad you can lead me in the right direction, angel.”

“Oop, right here!!” you point up at a tall shelf. Max’s body crashes into yours, nearly landing you both on the floor, as you stopped so suddenly.

“Goodness gracious, girlie, you must be excited to do some reading, huh?” his voice rumbles lowly next to your ear. His muscular arms wrap tightly around your midsection, pressing your backside against him. You can feel his arousal stirring already; he really has no qualms about doing nasty things to you, any time, anywhere. “Oh, baby, I’m already thinking about you reading to me... Hearing that sweet little voice say such naughty things, those pretty little lips forming unholy syllables...” And in true Max Cady fashion, his fingertips are already teasing at the edge of your skirt, threatening for his rough palms to attack your delicate thighs.

You feel a single finger creep up to your hip, teasing at the waistband of your panties, “I hope you aren’t particularly fond of these, ‘cuz they’re coming off now, honey.” And with that, his other hand quickly follows the first one up your skirt and before you could even protest, the man is on his knees and the lacy underwear around your ankles. He helps you out of them as is you were a toddler, getting them over your shoes.

He quickly snatches a book from the bottom shelf and flips it open to a random page before stuffing your panties in it and shoving it back on the shelf. “Max!!!” you whisper-yell.

“What?” he plays dumb, standing back up to press himself into your backside again. “You don’t want someone findin’ your panties? Knowin’ what we did in here? Mmm, well I wanna spread the word about you, baby... Besides, they can use it as a bookmark.” His hands grip your hipbones and he gives you a sloppy kiss on your neck, making a loud slurping noise.

“Max! Shhh!!”

“You’re so cute, all worried about getting caught. You think we’ll get in trouble if someone sees us, or god forbid if someone hears us in this quiet place?”

“Maaaaxxx...” you whine.

“Mm, yeah? You like that idea? Someone hearing the way I turn you into a whore for me? You don’t sound as innocent as you look once I get you goin’.” His hand slides around to your sex, teasing you roughly through the smooth fabric of your skirt, and when you let out a little whimper, it only proves his point.

"Alright, princess, why don't you grab us that book we're looking for?" Following his question, Max's strong arms easily hoist you off the ground, lifting you up, up, up to reach that top shelf and pull down one of Max's favorite books: 𝘛𝘳𝘰𝘱𝘪𝘤 𝘰𝘧 𝘊𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳. Oh, and don't think that he missed the opportunity to peak under that skirt...

• • •

As you and Max relax in two adjacent armchairs that he scooted close together, you recite prose from your boyfriend's favorite author. Just a few pages in, you're already at one of his favorite parts. You can read the sheer excitement on Max's face when he says, "Alright, darlin', you better speak up for this next part, you know how much I like the dirty bits."

You look around, making sure no one is nearby, and you start, "'At night when I look at Boris' goatee lying on the pillow I get hysterical.'"

"Louder," Max tilts his head forward, looking at you from under his brow bone.

You raise your voice only slightly, "'O Tania, where now is that warm cunt of yours, those fat, heavy garters, those soft, bulging thighs?'"

"I can't hear you..." he chimes devilishly.

"'There is a bone in my prick six inches long...'"

"And what's he gonna do with it?" Like he doesn't already know.

"'I will ream out every wrinkle in your cunt, Tania, big with seed,'" you look around again, checking for any poor passersby, "'I will send you home to your Sylvester with an ache in your belly and your womb turned inside out.'"

Max let's out a low whistle, "That Henry Miller suuuure knew what he was talking about, huh?" He leans forwards and rather directly slides his hand under your skirt, thumb quickly parting your lips to find that special little bundle of nerves.

You gasp loudly, and Max continues, "Yeah? You want me to turn your womb inside out like he did to Tania? Make that little cunt smooth with my big cock?" His voice is just loud enough that it still sounds intimate but anyone walking by could easily hear.

In an attempt to quiet your moans, you press on reading, "’Your Sylvester! Yes, he knows how to build a fire-‘"

"’But I know how to inflame a cunt!’" Max finishes your sentence for you before pulling you up out of your chair and into his lap, where his fingers quickly find their place between your thighs as if it is the most natural thing in the world to him. "Keep reading, princess," he whispers softly in your ear.

You become aware of his hard length pressing into your thigh, as you read the line, "’I shoot hot bolts into you, Tania, I make your ovaries incandescent.’”

Max lets out a deep moan that rumbles your eardrums and presses some kisses to your cheek and jawline.

“‘Your Sylvester is a little jealous now? He feels something, does he? He feels the remnants of my big prick. I have set the shores a little wider. I have ironed out the wrinkles,’” Max starts to rut against you in his lap. His hands take a firm grip on your hips and slide you back and forth against the erection trapped in his pants. You keep going, “‘After me you can take on stallions, bulls, rams, drakes, St. Bernards. You can stuff toads, bats, lizards up your rectum. You can shit arpeggios if you like, or string a zither across your navel.’”

His moans become quite noisy and his hands search for your flesh; one hand slipping under the edge of your shirt to feel the soft skin of your tummy, the other getting an anchor hold on your hair and giving it a rough tug. You inhale sharply wincing at the pain. You can tell Max is getting needy for you; it would never cease to fascinate you how some little girl (anyone is small next to his towering muscular frame) could have so much control over him.

“‘I am fucking you, Tania, so that you'll stay fucked. And if you are afraid of being fucked publicly I will fuck you privately-‘“

“Damn, that sounds like a good idea,” Max grunts out and unzips his pants, “I sure hope you aren’t afraid of being fucked publicly.”

His next few actions only take a few seconds, and before you can even realize it, you’ve been hoisted up and swiftly dropped down onto your boyfriend’s thick cock. You somehow let out a gasp and a squeal at the same time, and Max claps his hand over your mouth. The only other sound is the thud of the book hitting the floor and closing. Where Max wanted you to speak up before, now it’s time for the quiet game...

“How’s that feel? Daddy’s big cock stretching out those tight walls, huh?” Clearly, it’s a rhetorical question since his hand stays clasped over your mouth. It’s Max’s turn to tease you with his words. “You always take me so well, my little princess. You think if anyone walked by they would know that you’re filled to the brim with my prick? You’ve been trained well, baby girl, you can take me and no one knows I’m inside you, but I know how turned on you are, I felt how wet you were when I was touching you. You wanted this, and I bet everyone knows how much you wanted it, I bet that librarian in the next room knows you have your pussy stuffed right now.”

In all honestly, this guy Ryan had just started working at the library; he had hoped it would be more a bit more relaxing than his job at the local drive-in movie theatre. But Ryan recognized you and Max when you came in, and he really, REALLY doesn’t want another awkward interaction with your boyfriend, so he’s gonna leave you to do whatever you want in the back room of the library...

His hand still covers your mouth as you lean your head back onto his shoulder, looking at him out the corner of your eye. His other arm braces your hips, keeping you flush to him so you can feel every time his member twitches. “You feel me, princess? Feel that ‘bone in my prick’ and how bad I want you?”

You nod your head as much as his grip will allow, eyes never leaving his.

“If I can be frank, sweetheart, Daddy’s never been good at this whole cockwarming thing like you are. It always leaves me wanting more, and you know Daddy can’t resist having more of you... Whaddaya say we play horsey instead? I’ll bounce you on my lap like the dumb little baby doll you are, just like your old man did for you when you were a kid."

You let out an excited little whimper, and Max moves his hands to your hips. "Now I can't keep a hand on your mouth anymore. Think you can keep quiet for me?"

You nod your head excitedly and whisper as quietly as you can, "Yes, sir, Daddy. Can I have a kiss?"

"Aww, of course you can, angel," his lips meet yours in a wet, unrefined fashion, giving you the rough kind of kiss you need. Max also takes this moment to start bouncing you in his lap, just like horsey. With your lips pressed to his, it muffles any sounds that escape the two of you.

His thrusts are small and quick, but actually really satisfying at this angle. The girth of him presses against that special spot inside you. That combined with the thrill of possibly getting caught already has that feeling creeping up in your belly. Your nails dig into his hips looking for something to ground you as you find ecstasy in your orgasm.

But your climax isn't gonna stop Max from what he's doing. He continues to bounce you on his lap, whispering, "Mmm, finished so soon? You must like bouncing on my cock. Bouncy, bouncy..."

You bite your lip, still riding out your orgasm as he continually slams into your g-spot. When a drawn out little whine hums out of you, Max shushes you with a "Shhhh, shhh, baby. You're doing so good, such a good girl for Daddy. Just a little longer, I'm so close, princess."

With your brows furrowed and eyes closed tight, you brave yourself on the arms of the chair. You feel two calloused fingertips at your bottom lip, and you open your mouth, taking them in.

"There that'll keep you quiet for this next part," Max warns before absolutely plowing his hips up into you as fast as he can. His other hand maintains such a firm grip on your side, you think he'll probably leave bruises.

Max chokes back a deep grunt and pulls you down into his lap to spill his seed inside you. You feel his length jolting and that warm gooey liquid. You both sit there catching your breath, and Max wraps his arms around you in a loving embrace.

He gets you to look at him, placing another dirty kiss to your mouth. Then he pulls you off of him, stand up, places you back down on the chair, and gets his pants zipped up.

"Um. Max?" you whisper, a little tense.

"What is it, little darlin'?" He gets on his knees in front of you, placing his big hands on your thighs.

"Uhhh... I think there's gonna be a little mess on this chair," you get right next to his ear and oh so quietly tell him, "it's, uh, leaking."

"Aww, are you worried about leaving some of my cum on the chair?" he places a hand on your chin, "That was the point, baby. The librarian can handle it." Max gives you a wink before taking you by the hand and leading you out of the library.

Poor Ryan.... Scarred again by Max and his girl, and now he has to clean up after them.

#max cady #cape fear #robert de niro #robert de niro x reader #robert de niro fanfic #fanfic

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darthwheezely · 3 years

Note

for your 100 celebration (congrats btw❤❤) 🌅 as harry potter characters?? and could i ask for a 🍑 with first time with fred maybe 😳😳🥺 thank you!!! love youuuu so much and you deserve this so so much :')))

Jess, you own my ovaries, dude, of course

@slytherinsunrise as captain daddy Freddie bombastic Weasley (owo love you mami)

@gcdric as George “I sleepkick” Weasley

@vogueweasley as Ginny Weasley

@theweasleyslut as Ron Weasley

@loony-loopy-lupinn as UWU JAMES POTTER BC WE HAVE THE SAME ENERGIES

@pansydaisy as Lily Potter

@lumosandnoxwriting as Harry Potter

@oh-for-merlins-sake as Fleur Delacour because mI GENTEEEEEEEEEEEEE ATE AND LEFT NO CRUMBS

YOU AS HARMONICA GRANGER I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

First time with Freddie - I may definitely have gone overboard and done a one shot whoops that’s whatcha get Im a whore for this oops again

Fred had spent the last indefinite minutes with his body pressing yours against the door. When he touched you, he held you like you were a porcelain doll, afraid to break you if he pulled you too hard or hurt you too soon. His lips pressed slow and plush open kisses down your neck and inching towards the strenuous texture of your collarbone, drawing goosebumps and soft breaths from you wherever his head dipped. He moaned against you, as you threaded your fingers through his fiery hair and yanking quickly. He pulled his head back up and kissed you briefly.

“Y/N, angel, are you sure? We don’t have to you know that right, you know I could kiss you to oblivion-“

“I know I just...” you slid one of your hands to one of his belt loops and pulled him, his torso almost falling onto you as he braced himself with his arm by your head. You bit your lip and teased his earlobe

“...I need you now, Freddie my love.” And that did it, he pushed his mouth onto you, you opening it just enough to let his tongue slide inside and he pulled back just inches enough to say “jump.” You did so, and wrapped your legs onto his waist as he carried you to the bed.

He looked up at you for consent and started to pull down your stockings and removing your shoes, kissing up your legs and sucking on your inner thighs. You moaned, pulling his hair and feeling a reactive groan against your skin. “Patience, darling...I want to take my time with you.” He continues to nibble at your skin as he gets to your core, sliding your panties to the side and slipping his index finger into your heat. You arch your back and he smiles at you thinking god, she is gorgeous how did I get to be with this goddess of a woman before me- and soon he’s slipping another finger inside you causing you to moan lewdly , the wet sounds and your throaty moans filling the room.

“Is this okay, Y/N, babygirl?”

“Yes, Freddie it’s so...you’re so good” he perks up kissing your clothed clit causing a small whimper as he looks at you for confirmation. “Freddie please just take them off?”

“Take what off, angel” he stroked your folds.

“Everything, fuck, take it all off.” He laughed softly at that, crawling on top of your body and pulling you up to him by your tie, bunching it in his fist, but cradling your head with his left hand. “Tell me if I’m getting to rough with you love, hmm?” You gulped and nodded, and Fred tried to kiss everything that moved. He pulled away leaving you with a small whine as he began to unbutton your shirt and kissing every section of skin where your breasts heaved and moved under his touch. You arched your back into his iron hands and he started to bite feverishly, like it were his last time alive. His hand pressed to your back nimbly unclapsed your bra and he whispered a harsh “godric, you are fucking glorious” and immediately began to bite and pull at the top of your breasts, taking a hard nipple into his mouth while he flicked and ghosted over the other one.

Your body heaved under his embrace and while you released high pitched whines of his name, you started to buck up onto him too. He moaned against your skin and got rougher with your breasts for another moment before trailing down to your core. He pulled off your skirt and, while looking at you, pulled the waistband of your panties with his mouth, discarding them across the room. He pulled your legs closer to him, kneading at the bottoms of your thighs.

“Fuck, you are...so” he pressed a kiss to one thigh. “So” to your other thigh, looked into your eyes, and began to suck on your clit “beautiful.” “Freddie, please” you writhed and moaned, his mouth attached to you murmuring sweet nothings against you, the vibrations only slicking your heat further. He finally slid his tongue in and wrapped around you, causing a tight tug to his head, eliciting a deep harsh moan from him that got sent straight up your core. You moaned his name again and begged. “What does my angel want? Use your words, Y/N”

“Freddie, please” you whined again, and he nodded, smiling he sent a finger back in you and began to thrust at a fast pace. “Love, you are so perfect wrapped around me. Come for me, Y/N, be as loud as you want, angel.” And you came undone around him, your body sent into heavenly release as you unraveled the way you needed to. You whined as he slid his finger away, but bit back a moan as he sucked it clean.

“Are you sure you want to keep going? We can stop. I promise, love I just want to make sure you’re happy.” He but his lip looking at you softly, taking in your angelic body laying on his bed ready to take his cock. You sat up on the bed, and once again pulled him towards you - but you grabbed something else instead and only barely did you ghost him that his hips started to combust.

“Y/N, love-“

“Freddie, I need you inside me right now.” You slid your hand to his clothed bulge and rested your chin on top of his v line. “Pleeeaaase?” He smiled softly shakinf his head. He held your hair and grabbed the hand that had began to pal him softly and kissed each knuckle and your palm. “You make the rules, gorgeous.” He chuckled as he placed a kiss to the top of your head. “Lean back for me, my love, okay? Relax and let me do all the work. You deserve a perfect time and I...I want to know you’re happy and okay.” You had fully leaned back as he talked to you and you mouthed at him “I love you” prompting him to speed up the removal of his clothes, his hardened cock hitting his stomach and drawing your attention there. Sensing your nervousness, he pounced on you giving you playful kisses all over your face and making you laugh, but as soon as he saw your breasts bouncing prettily in front of him he pressed a serious and deep kiss to you as he positioned himself at your entrance.

“Ready, angel?” he clasped one of your hands in his and tilted your head upwards with his chin, giving you a soft kiss. He waited until you nodded and then slid deliciously into you. You hissed at the feeling of being filled, and Fred stilled and gave you gentle kisses to your shoulders and neck, praising you and your body until you felt ready for him to move. You had felt him start to throb inside you to which you said “Freddie, please”

He pulled halfway out, and then sheathed himself back in, your body arching into him again, his hand finding your lower back to brace his angle. His rhythm was slow, and deep, but passionate at one time. He was obsessed with the way your body was rhythmically pressing up into him as he dipped further and further into you, the only sounds filling the room being your soft moans and his hoarse groans into your skin.

“Is this feeling good, gorgeous?”

“God, you’re so good Freddie, you fill me up so well” he moaned and grabbed one leg to hitch onto his hips, causing you to jerk up in pleasure as he started to course faster into you. “Like that, angel? You want more?” “Please, Freddie, give it to me good” that was all it took for him to hike your other leg up prompting a loud whine from you, skin slapping faster as he was finding ways to bring you another high, the mattress feeling a hundred feet deep as his body was delectably pushing itself into yours, sinking himself ever further in you. He felt you clench around him and threw his head back briefly in pleasure.

“Come for me, my love”

“Freddie-“

“Yes, baby, I’m right here, I’m ready for you” and with that your body sent a shockwave of heat seemingly everywhere as you again came unraveled around him, and Fred felt himself losing control as well, his thrusts and bottoming out becoming sloppy and less dutiful.

“Freddie, come inside me”

“Love, are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m so sure just please Freddie I’m gonna come again please, baby” and the feeling of your hands in his hair yanking forward and the way your legs tensed around him and the ay you begged him, had him instantly release into you, hips slowly rolling to help him ride out his high. Kissing you deeply he pulled out of you, but he rolled onto his side still holding you, he pulled one of your legs on top of his and held you close.

“Was i- was that-“ before he could say anything else, you kissed him slowly and lovingly, feeling him sigh into your mouth.

“It was, yes.” He smiled softly. “Y/N, I love you. Like this, not like thsi I just...I love you.” He cupped your cheek and rubbed it with his thumb.

“And Freddie, my love, I love you.”

#PLEASW I DIDNT MEAN TO #FUCK #UWU

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sidewalk-scrawls · 2 years

Text

I’m 95% sure I’ve posted about this before, but just to bring that cat post around... My cats very much fit the stereotype of orange cats beings very loving but very stupid. Apollo, especially, is a dumbass, but Artemis is also pretty stupid (affectionate), just seems to have more going on beyond the eyes.

ANYWAY

The vast majority of orange cats are male (much like how most calicos and torties are female). When I got these little critters, I was told one was male and one was female, and I immediately guessed (semi-correctly? but mostly incorrectly) that Artemis was the female due to having lighter orange coloring.

Anyway, the people who I adopted these critters from thought Artemis was female and Apollo was male. The VET I brought them to also thought Artemis was female and Apollo was male. I rushed to get them in for a spay and neuter because they were 6 months old and I would sooner die than have to raise incest kittens (or you know, any kittens).

It was only when the vet went to spay Artemis, and realized that there were exactly 0 ovaries, that they were like... “Oops, our bad.” And at the point, I was like... well... Artemis is gender-neutral and the paired names are too good to change... So I ended up with Apollo and Artemis as brothers lol

#poor artemis got cut open for literally NO reason #cat neutering heals in like a few days and cat spaying heals in like a few WEEKS #anyway artemis is a total normal name for a male cat it's just a little odd within the context of the actual twins #it's chill though cats don't give a fuck about gender #my critters #talking tag

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old-hyper-super-clover · 3 years

Text

Squeeze that bunny tail!

Part 3

Description: The RAD student council as well as the exchange students help out at a bar where, oops, the staff´s dress codes are those sweet bunny outfits that we all know and thirst for. The MCs, Violet and Clover, play a game of who can touch the most bunny tails over the evening without getting caught. Prepare for fluff, funny innuendos as well as my thirst over hot boys in bunny outfits.

Find the first parts on my masterlist.

Story continues under the cut. Enjoy the thirst!

[The amazing artwork belongs to @tokamiart, permission to post was granted, don´t repost!]

Clover and Simeon were giving out drinks at the bar.

The girl was handing over all sorts of bottles, glasses and ice cubes if needed. Simeon then put it all together with such grace and beauty that Clover often found herself gazing at him, until the brunet would turn to her with a smile and ask her to let go of whatever she had been wanting to hand him.

At one point, without any customers walking up to the bar, Clover sat down for a quick break.

"Tired?" Simeon asked, having decided to clean the counter in the meantime.

Clover chuckled at the sight. "Oh, is this going to be the classic 'I tell the bartender of my problems' scenario?"

The angel blinked in confusion. "I am afraid I don't know what you are talking about... But I'm always there to lend you an ear, if that's what you're aiming at."

"I'm fine", she laughed. "I was only joking... I must admit, though, you really suit this job. I'm sorry if I'm misjudging you, but how come an angel is looking so perfectly fit for serving drinks?"

Simeon blessed her with a chuckle. "Thank you for the compliment. As for your question... You might be surprised, but angels do know how to have some fun, too."

"Oooh" Clover grinned. "So the whole turning-water-into-wine thing wasn't just a myth?!"

At that, Simeon only put his finger close to his lips in a "shhh" sound, giving her a secretive little wink before both broke out in soft giggles.

A little while later, their attention got caught up by a situation at the tables.

Luke was cleaning dirty dishes off of an emptied table, when a demon approached him.

A little flustered, they exchanged a few words before Luke gestured towards the public toilets.

"He's doing so well" Simeon hummed, leaning on the counter as he watched his angel friend with a proud smile. "It had been very difficult for him to adjust to life in the Devildom... But I'm glad to see he is finally finding his own pace of things."

Clover's head jumped back and forth between the two celestial creatures.

"It's because he has a great friend who's watching over him" she smiled.

"Huh? Oh, no, I don't want to take any credit for that. It's all thanks to Luke's own strength that he's able to go through this so well."

Suddenly, Luke hurried over to them, a full tray of dishes in his hands.

He looked SO disgusted.

"Waaah... What's wrong with those demons...!" He let the tray slip onto the counter. "Has nobody here learned how to properly behave in a restaurant?! The tables are sticky, the food is all over the cutlery, or even worse...!"

He held up a fork.

... Or better, what was left of it. Which was only the handle. The upper spikes got bitten off almost completely.

"Who eats a fork?!?!", Luke cried out. "That's... That's... Ridiculous!"

Clover gave an awkward laugh, she got over the point of wondering long ago.

"I am pretty sure I know who would..." she mumbled.

And truly, stepping out of the kitchen, the culprit looked at the fork with a guilty expression.

"... Don't tell Lucifer" Beelzebub mumbled as he came closer. "He'll get mad if he sees that parts of the cutlery are missing..."

"... 'parts'?!" Luke repeated in disbelief. "You mean this isn't the only one?!"

"... Those were accidents..." Beel whined, holding his grumbling belly.

He let himself plonk down on a chair next to Clover, then huddled over the counter in a pout.

"Ugh... And what am I supposed to do with that now...?" Luke said.

"Hm..." Simeon thought. "Clover, Beel, could you watch the bar for a moment? Luke, let's go bring the dishes to the kitchen... And that thing into the trash."

They excused themselves after Clover gave her okay and Beel gave some kind of grumble.

The girl´s head drifted over to look at the demon...

And her heart skipped a beat.

She checked the situation.

His tail? Exposed.

His thoughts? In some far away land about food.

The others? Gone.

The perfect chance for a squeeze? Right fucking NOW.

Clover swallowed the raising anxiety in her stomach.

She had lurked around the angels in hope of squeezing one of their tails, but now that they were gone, she had missed that chance...

The more she thought about it, the more did Clover feel like hyperventilating. It was such a stupid thing to fuss over, but sadly, her habit of over-contemplating would always stress her out in unnecessary situations.

After what felt like eternity of convincing herself, she moved her arm.

Beel almost immediately turned his head.

"... You look like you want to eat me." He said.

"Wh-what?!"

His grumpy face mustered her.

"But I will eat you before you could possibly eat me, so don't even try."

Clover's already red face curled in confusion.

"I didn't want to..." she mumbled.

"Why were you staring at me, then?"

"I-I... Was thinking about how to help you with your hunger..." she lied.

"... Oh. Sorry for accusing you of something else, then."

"N-no, it's fine..."

Before Clover could talk herself into more bullshit, Simeon came back, and the holy boy was there to save her from her own misery.

"Beel" he called out. "Luke and I will soon return home for a bit. I can bring you some sandwiches, so stay strong, okay?"

"Simeon...!" Beel cheered as his euphoria made him stand up and engulf Simeon in a hug. "You're a true angel...!"

Clover felt quite shitty afterwards.

Beel hugging Simeon was an adorable sight, but she hated herself for being such a coward.

After dodging another encounter with Solomon, she had pulled back to help Belphie at the casino area, trying to get her mind off of the competition for a little...

-----------------

Alright. I hope you´re not bored yet, because the chaos hasn´t even properly started yet.

Also, nearing ourselves to half-time, now is a good opportunity to sum up a few events as well as the overall squish-score so far.

Violet was leading with a total of 12 points. Besides the mentioned scenarios, she had also encountered Mammon a second time, and she was lucky enough to find Luke having a life crisis over another eaten fork.

Heck, Violet even managed to squeeze Clover's tail once, and her friend hasn't noticed!

Clover, on the other side, has had a great start, but did rather poorly the later it got.

With five points, she only had another chance with Asmo, who, tbh, had been begging for someone to pay attention to his booty. (But to be clear, he did not notice the squish.)

Over time, she got desperate, but that only fueled Clover's fears of getting caught.

It nearly let her to internally quitting, if not for Violet to pull her back into the game once more...

-------------------

Most of the crew was busy working when the clock struck midnight.

A nearby bell tower announced the change of day -- and with that, also the change of clothes.

The customers as well as the staff looked up when a certain voice echoed through the speakers.

"Good evening, my sweethearts~!" Asmodeus cheered, sitting on the bar counter and waving at the crowd. "Or should I say good night? Good morning? I hope you are having a good one, to say the least!"

He gained a small round of laughter.

"Yes, yes, a cheery mood is what we want! And now that we passed midnight... It's time for a special surprise!"

He stood up onto the counter, striking a nice pose while smirking widely.

"Those with weak minds -- and weak ovaries -- should brace themselves, cause things are about to get hot~!"

The crowd applauded and cheered. A group of thirsty (asmodeHoes) fans threw in some... naughty exclamations, but Asmo had already jumped onto the floor again, gathering the staff members around him.

Barbatos at his side, he was handing out another set of clothing. "Please get dressed quickly", the butler said.

And so they went off...

--------------------

"VioLET."

"Cloverrrr..."

"I CAN'T go out like his."

"But... But Clover... You know what must be awaiting us outside..."

"ARGH... I'm not ready for that either..."

Clover was sitting on the floor again.

This time, their outfit consisted of a classic black playbunny suit, ears and tail still included of course, arm sleeves as well as a shirt's collar that was held together by a bow tie.

"Come onnn, I don't wanna go without you..." Violet protested.

"But HOW am I supposed to face those frickin´ snacks” Clover cried out. “I'm a fucking potato compared to them, also Violeeet, the moment I see any of them my mind will SIN and I won't ever be able to look into Simeon's eyes ever agai-"

They heard voices on the other side of the door.

"Woohooo, is that Lucifer?! Shirtless?!" They heard Asmo go. "And and, kyaaaa, Beel, those ABS!!"

The girls exchanged a glance.

Then dashed out of the womens' toilet once again.

Stumbling out of the room, however, there was no one to be spotted at all.

A little confused, the girls noticed too late how a cheeky Asmodeus had been hiding behind the door, pushing the latter shut to have a perfect view on his girls.

"Got you~!" he hummed, leading the girls to turn around.

He had a camera in his hands and seemed to be already filming.

"What a view~", he continued. "Could you do me a favour and turn around as well?"

"Asmo!!" Violet hissed, her cheeks gaining a pink blush out of angered embarrassment.

Not as much as Clover's face was heating up, though, as she prompted the demon to put his phone down.

"Not going to happen, sweetie~" he chuckled. "Devilgram will love those bashful expressions...!"

"WhAt?!" Violet covered her body immediately. "You WON'T upload this anywhere!"

"Uhmmm... That's kind of not possible, you know? This is a live broadcast."

"WHAT."

Then, another person stepped out of the males' bathroom.

"What's all the noise about?"

Lucifer's annoyed voice echoed through the corridor.

When he stepped closer, however, his attention got caught up by the girls' appearance.

"Oh~?" he purred, inspecting the girls (but Violet in particular hehe) with a pleased smirk on his lips.

"L... Lu..." Violet's voice broke off.

She just... Died. Nothing more to say about this, really.

Because only now both, Violet and Clover, realised that not everything of Asmo's bait had been a lie...

The demons were actually shirtless, their chests bare as they were wearing only arm sleeves and, in Lucifer's case, a bow tie around his neck, while Asmo's neck was decorated with a ribbon. Rather tight-fitting black trousers and the bunny accessories completed the look that had left the girls speechless.

Lucifer's smirk grew wider.

"No, that's no good... I think I will have to speak to the manager. Those outfits are way too distracting... Isn't that so, Violet?"

"H-huh?!" The girl did a little hop.

Thankfully, Asmo jumped in to her aid.

"Fufu~! Lucifer, do you mean the girls are getting distracted by us, or is it that YOU are getting distracted, hm~?"

Lucifer crossed his arms in a contemplative manner.

"Well... I admit to a pleasant view when I see one, so..." He pinned Violet down with his eyes. "I guess I will have to be extra careful from now on... Then again, I might need a more detailed view, just to be sure..."

Asmo gave an excited giggle.

"Lucifer, you beast~!"

Then Asmo turned to Violet again.

"But judging from her red cheeks, I feel Violet might think the same... Isn't that so, darling~?"

"U-uhm...", Violet stammered, trying really hard to make her brain function again. "Well I... Think there's no point in denying that... Uhm..."

She glanced over at Lucifer, but every time she did, her head got dizzy all over again.

"Go on, please" Lucifer suddenly said. "There is no need to deny what, exactly?"

And her brain got stuck in an endless loop of not being able to cope.

Lucifer seemed to have plenty of fun with that, so he kept teasing her for the time being.

-----

We do remember, however, that there was another still girl left to completely destroy.

And Asmo took it upon himself to achieve exactly that.

"Don't worry, Clover!" He said as he tackled the girl into a hug, simultaneously dragging her away from the two lovebirds. "You're just as charming, of course."

"Th-thanks..." Clover mumbled.

"Hm? You don't seem to believe me."

Clover pulled away, now only holding hands with him, giving a shrug. "You know what I think of my looks, Asmo..."

The avatar of Lust gave a sigh.

"There we go again... If you're so self-conscious… why don't we go ask for some opinions?"

"Eeh?!"

And if the god of fateful anime encounters had planned it, the remaining demon brothers happened to have finished changing as well. The door to the men´s bathroom swung open…

"Oh!" Asmo smelled his chance. "Look, there comes our audien-"

He got cut off by the weird sound Clover made.

In a single movement, she had let out a squeal that a human throat should not be able to do, had completely destroyed Asmo's pretty hand by squeezing it in excitement, while in the end she was hiding behind Asmo, only peeking over his shoulder to glance at the mass of hotness coming out of the bathroom.

"Clover…?" Asmo sounded confused.

"Too much hotness", she mumbled into his shoulder. “I can´t-“

"Huh?" Asmo sounded genuinely confused for a second.

Then a smirk curled his face.

"What?!" he spoke extra loud, extra dramatically, so everyone could hear. "What did you say, Clover?! You think they're all sooo hot?!"

"A-asmo, be quiet...!" Clover mumbled.

But he continued.

"What? You love how much skin we are showing?!" he yelled.

"Stop...!"

"Whaaat?! You'd even pay them to strip down even more?! Clover, you wild animal!"

She punched the demon in embarrassment.

The next second, a certain scumbag stood beside them.

"DiD I hEaR 'P-p-p-PAy'?!" Mammon stuttered, literal cash-symbols in his eyes.

Asmo grinned at him, covering Clover's mouth so she couldn't protest.

"Our dear Clover here wants you to strip for her~"

Clover shook her blushy head.

"That's not trrngh..." she tried to press out between Asmo's fingers.

Mammon stared at her for a moment.

"… 10.000 Grimm."

Clover had freed herself again.

"... What?"

"15.000 and I'll do pole dance too."

"MAMMON WHAT THE HECK."

The second born looked almost disappointed when Clover declined his offer.

But Asmo was already moving on with his mischiefs.

"What? Clover?? You want to do WHAT with Beel's abs?!?!"

"ASMODEUS, I'LL KILL YOU-"

"No you won't~" Asmo grinned, turning to give his brothers a view on Clover. "Guuuys, I need your help! I dare you to give this little lady a rating in this sweet costume of hers."

Most of them looked confused at first,

but, seeing one, her outfit, and two, how much she was unable to cope, a few were ready to assist in Asmo's tease.

"I'd need a full view to judge" Satan grinned.

"Yeah" Belphie agreed. "Could you turn around slowly, Clover? Maybe do some poses as well?"

Clover shot them some angry glares.

"... You could do that pose were you form ears with your hands…" Levi dared to add in a mumble.

"Hrrrgh...!" Clover was fighting her embarrassment. "All of you are awful... Beel over here is the only nice guy, honestly...!"

She glanced at him in a pout, hoping he'd defend her... Or at least say something as well...

"... So you're not going to pose for us?" Beel said in a pout.

Clover.exe stopped working.

"Fufu..." Asmo grinned. "See, my dear? Even Beel demands a show... Now come on, we're waiting~!"

--------------

You can probably guess that Clover wasn't going to get out of this situation anytime soon.

While this part of the group enjoyed this mess of a person, let's switch back to the other girl whose brain was doing about as poorly.

Lucifer had kept Violet by his side, making sure she wasn't going to help Clover in her dilemma… Or going elsewhere in general.

However, one certain jealous bean soon couldn't bear that Lucifer was hogging Violet all for himself.

"Oi, Lucifer, back off of Violet already!"

And Mammon pressed himself in between them. "She's one of my humans after all!"

Visible displease grew on Lucifer's face as he got cockblocked yet again.

"And what would give you the right to claim her for yourself?" The eldest grumbled.

Mammon crossed his arms.

"... Because I just said so."

Lucifer pressed out a sigh, to then simply push Mammon's body away again.

"LUCIF-", Mammon hissed. "STOOP...!"

"You are distracting us, Mammon."

"B-but... That´s not fair…” he shouted. “M-maybe I want Violet to notice me as well!!"

Lucifer stopped, while most of the surrounding people went silent.

Then Levi gave a laugh.

"Oh my god MAMMON, that was so desperate lolol, SO uncool!"

Belphie spared him a pityful laugh. "Are you really that desperate for some attention, you idiot?"

The avatar of Greed was gritting his teeth.

"Hnngh... Shut up, all of you...!"

The situation around them escalated a little, even more so as Diavolo and Barbatos joined in on the chaos, having changed clothes as well.

But Violet felt bad, especially since she wouldn´t have expected Mammon to act like this. So, in a silent second where everyone seemed busy in their personal chaos, she sneaked over to Mammon.

After -- of course, what did you expect -- quickly poking his bunny tail, Violet also gave his shoulder a tap.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Mammon looked a little surprised, responding with a huff.

"...'s a wolf..."

"Huh?"

"Lucifer's a wolf!" Mammon repeated, awfully loud and both feared that the eldest brother had heard him.

A bit more timid, Mammon continued as Violet could only look at him in confusion.

"... Ya can't just go hop around in such an alluring outfit when there're guys like Lucifer around. He could go full beast mode and, dunno, do some weird stuff to ya."

Violet suppressed the nasty thoughts approaching her brain, her heart beating drastically as she mumbled a faint "I see".

"Ya human should better stick to the great Mammon! I'd treat you nicely, y'know."

Violet raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"... 'Treat me' how, exactly?" She asked in an almost teasing manner. "What were you planning to do, Mammon?"

And it landed a critical hit.

"I-I-I-I mean tr-treat as i-in... I'd protect you from all those beasts around you!" he stammered, his cheeks a blushing mess. "Nothin´ weird, I swear!! Its just… There's plenty of those beasts! Actually, maybe you should go home. If all the customers see you like this... Argh... I have to tell Clover, too...!”

He turned his head to search for the other girl, only to realise the group was about to return to their work. "Ahh... Oh no, she´s already been caught..." Mammon pressed out.

"Mammon" Violet called out again and treated him with a smile. "I assume you´re saying this because you´re worried about us, right? Thank you for that, you´re really a good friend. We're having a shift together later, right? So, until later, okay?"

He seemed confused again, but nodded in the end.

"Ugh... Fine... Just stay safe, ´kay? Promise!"

"I promise" she laughed, then Mammon finally seemed to have calmed down.

At least he was fine enough to turn around and go bother Levi with something.

Violet was watching them in amusement, then felt a presence behind her.

"Turning your eyes off of me already?" A deep voice purred almost right into her ear.

Ah, yes, there it was again, the drastic heart rate.

"Lucifer..." Violet turned around at the mellow voice. "I just wanted to tease Mammon a little. He seemed a little down."

"Sure, suit yourself..." Lucifer mumbled casually. "But I seem to be a little down as well... To think you'd end our conversation so quickly..."

Violet exploded into a puzzled blush.

"N-no... That's not... I ... You..."

Lucifer was pinning her down with his gaze, waiting for a coherent reaction. “Then how abou we pick up where we left? I think there´s something you wanted to tell me…”

"Y-you look... A-... Amazing..." she stammered.

"Hm? Could you say that again? Your voice appears to be awfully thin."

She breathed a heavily stressed breath. So Lucifer continued.

"Pardon me? Violet, you appear to be overheating. How come? I would assume your clothing is revealing enough skin to make that impossible..."

Aaand Violet's brain shut down as well.

"Should I help you?" he hummed, stepping even closer. "In comparison to you, I seem to maintain a way cooler head than you do..."

And, being the most flustered he has ever been, Lucifer continued to tease the shit out of Violet for as long as he felt the need to...

-------------

The group was about to dissolve and (finally) head back to work.

The girls, however, had stayed back for a strategy meeting.

"This is bad", Clover blabbered as she was trying to calm down. "I couldn't get up to them with shirts on, how am I supposed to even TALK to any of them when they're in maximum sexy mode?! And it's not only maximum hotness, but did all of them collectively agree to unlock their secret teasing-modes, too?!"

Violet gave a blushing shrug. "... Are you complaining, though?"

"Hnngh... No... But I'm so short on points... If I don't start playing risky, I'll loose..."

Violet smirked at that.

"Yeah" she agreed. "That's a good idea. Look, Solomon's over there all alone, why don't y-"

"Nope” lover interrupted her immediately. “Not going to happen. Nope. I'd rather go up to the demon prince himself. I'd rather get killed by Barbatos TBH."

"Oh, you would get killed..." Violet shivered, thinking back of what happened in the store room earlier.

"Don't care" Clover persisted. "Like, come, demon lord, if I was to touch Solomon's tail today, you may kill me right this instant...!"

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me fanfic #obey me bunny event #i had short story as a tag too but thats one fat lie

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rpmemesbyarat · 3 years

Conversation

Meme from "Broad City" quotes

“You said if you were ever going to do same sex experimentation, it was going to be with me.”

"Who would you rather go down on you? Michael Bublé or Janet Jackson?”

“Can Janet Jackson go down on me while Michael Bublé narrates it in song?”

“What’s an Arch de Triumph?”

“It’s when two dudes go down on us, is how I picture it, and they’re butt to butt and then you and I do Oprah hands.”

“I really don’t feel like going into work today.”

"Great, I’ll see you in 30 days then. . . biiiiitch.”

“Maybe your dad should have pulled out.”

“I need someone for the amazing race because my mom just pulled out.”

“I also have business with the bank. I’d like to cash these nickels, and I’ll have them in quarters, please. Thank you so much.”

“I’m a sexual X-Man. I’m Wolverine. I’m Vulvarine!”

"Oh my Lady God, thank you!"

“The vagina is nature’s pocket. It’s natural and responsible.”

“I would take you on my shoulders – like I’d strap you up and be like, ‘Let’s go through helllll.’”

“I’m not sexually aroused, I’m fiscally aroused.”

“That’s literally a one stop pussy shop. I love it!”

“I finally figured out my eyebrows, They’re sisters, not twins.”

“Four R’s, my friend-- Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Rihanna.”

“Statistically we’re headed toward an age where everybody’s going to be, like, caramel and queer.”

“I’m an adult and I’m responsible. Let’s go get some candy.”

“I finally masturbated above the covers without my eyes being closed.”

“I just want to get home and watch my shows.”

"You just pulled a bag of pot out of your vagina."

"Do you ever get hair from your head stuck in your buttcrack in the shower?"

"I'm still not over Amy Winehouse."

"I can't really imagine what it's like for people with blue eyes."

"This isn't a sugar daddy thing. This is just an old established guy paying for his younger friend who he also has sex with kind of thing."

"You're like 12, right?"

"I love me some dumplings. It's like a squirrel clutch with a meatball in it."

"I was so worried I baked a whole cake and then I ate a whole cake."

"In da clerb, we all fam."

"I know you from your ass better than I know your face."

"I respect you respecting me."

"You know what's cool about this party? We're the sexiest girls here."

"I'll pick up your poop. You're worth it."

"This is what living on the edge looks like."

"You got beauty. You got brains. You're a fucking genius. Do you wanna kiss?"

"You look sexy and vivacious and artsy and, like, young-wife material but, like, taut and teasy still. It's a perfect combo."

“Witches aren’t monsters, they’re just women! They’re fucking women who cum and giggle and play in the night. And that’s why everybody wants to set them on fire ‘cause they’re so fucking jealous."

"YAS KWEEN!"

“I AM NOT A MOM!”

"You never know if you never try and if you never try you never know."

“I’m only 27, what am I? A child bride?”

"You have been busting my balls all day over a sahaaaandwich shahooppe?!"

"I don’t watch anything but solo porn because regular porn is like, “Shut up, little girl! Wash my feet!” And she’s like "uhhh don’t tell my dad ok? Because I’m just barely legal. I love shaved pubes and tanned, crispy bellies and taints.” It’s like ugh!"

"I don’t have any money. I’m a wittle baby."

“Buckle up, buttercup”

"Money is a mind control technique that used to quantify the progress of the patriarchy!"

"Nose, vagina, butthole. If God didn’t want us to put our fingers up then then why did She make them perfectly finger sized ?"

"I’ll see you when u wake up, and if you don’t wake up I’ll still see you cause I’m gonna kill myself and meet you in heaven or whatever.”

"If you train your eyes, you can see their religion”

“I know it’s like “pwease Mr. Cwusty old white man, can I pwease keep my ovaries?” Alright bitch you better vote, text me when you do”

“I mean we had been together how long, and I still never saw nipples?”

“OOPS I guess I don’t know my own strength”

“Pillows are nature’s packing peanuts!”

“The student has become the teacher!”

"This is some high class shit."

"It's 2014. Anal is on the menu."

"Where ISN'T the bathroom?"

"I was cyberbullied within an INCH of my life last night"

“I saw your tweets and I wanted to check you out but I also wanted to respect your space”

"I am going to respect your dick later."

“You’re my lil cupcake”

“I once ate a corn on the cob. Including the cob”

"Ugh, who YELLS?"

"GET OFF THE BALLS AND GO!"

"Wanna get, like, a bunch of hot dogs?"

"Did you draw that painting?"

“You have to swipe yaas, you can’t swipe naas.”

“I fucked you in the ASS the first night we did ANYTHING. I think that’s pretty fuckin mature."

"Well aren't you a hot diggity dog and a scalawag to boot?"

"In the club, we are all family. Are you racist?"

“Welcome to Florida, America’s droopy dick”

"This is the men's room. Uh DOIIII!"

“You’re so full of shit I need a plunger."

“Thank you SO much for calling me a star”

"I'm an adult. I should be buying my own pot."

"Coat racks AREN'T for babies!"

"My biggest weakness is that I lose my purse a lot. But my biggest strength is that I always get it back."

"I like to call it jazz becomes it comes out of my horn, and you never know where it's gunna go."

"White people do that dog thing. Black people don't make out with dogs."

"Next thing you know you're pregnant with his sperm and he's sanding down your headboard shirtless."

"We are garbage people living on garbage island!"

"I didn't know you had a veneer and I'm in that mouth on a regular basis."

"I'm not putting weed up inside of me because I'm an adult and I'm responsible."

"I really think you should put your weed in your front hole."

“We’re technically homeless right now.”

"Your ass looks incredible."

"Your ass looks incredible. Your head and body too. But we all know who’s the star of the show here.”

“Who am I? Honey, I have a cyst on my uterus and I need to get fucked until it pops.”

“You want me to FaceTime from the bathroom?”

“Dude, I would follow you into hell, brother!”

“Well, you are funny.”

"Animated movies are where it's at. They're like visual crack."

"All Hollywood media is porn, and all porn is kiddie porn. We live in a rape culture. We just do."

"Who would leave weed in a wall? A weed genius. And she'd leave it there indefinitely in case of emergency."

"Isn't it nuts that pickles were cucumbers? They're the trans people of the vegetable community."

"We are an incredible team and I love you."

"Smart and sexy. She is unreal, this girl."

"I've been overeating this week."

"How DARE you LIE to your WIFE?!"

"Do I or do I not have herpes?"

"Follow your third eye--your clit."

"It's my birthday, I'M KING OF THE WORLD!"

"I mean, the female form---God's hottest creation."

"You have to respect the sanctity of the RSVP."

"Okay, something seems very locked up inside of you."

"You have a way of tainting everything I love."

"I'm gonna be like a successful artist any day now."

"Yeah, I don't wanna rise and grind anymore. I wanna rise and then like lay back down."

"It's like we knew it would happen but we didn't do anything about it."

"ADRENALINE!"

"To be honest, I'm really happy with the way I look."

"WANNA FOOK?"

"Never have I ever read a newspaper."

"This is what living on the edge looks like."

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