The Moon, PMS-ing and Us
There are times when you’re almost on your period or during it, you’d always feel like trash, a sad excuse of a human being, unworthy of anything good or the world just really tiring.
You want to cry from the sheer frustration for not being able to stop feeling like that even though you knew, positive things still do exist in your world.
Even though you understand and realize being grateful is important in times like that.
Actually, letting the emotion happen, is way more important than hating yourself for not being able to stop all of that from happening.
But, you have no idea how to brush off the weight of helplessness everytime those feelings grace your presence, because it’s almost impossible to not feel them sometimes.
Ever since I got my period, more than a decade ago, I have never been prepared for these huge changes in my emotional state, or even physiological beings. I’m way too underprepared and it made me all over the place.
I think a lot of us women and girls still feel extremely frustrated whenever we’re at a loss when something is happening to our body and there’s very limited information about what to do when those things happen.
Most of the time, we almost always find countless baseless misinformation which are actually harmless for us instead.
That is, foul, to be honest.
It always makes me wonder, how exactly does the world view us women?
I didn’t know that my emotional state is going to be so… wildly untamed when I’m PMS-ing. No women in my family told me that I’m going to experience that every month, that I’m going to be irritated with everything, even my own self.
But overtime, later in life, once I somehow slowly let go of misogynistic views about myself, women and girls in general, re-learning and re-educating myself on my own biological condition and needs, I understand that these things better to be felt.
Those irritations are, I think, a byproduct of bottling everything up everyday. Thinking that you’ll handle those emotions later because you don’t want to be seen as overly sensitive by people, or that you’re weak for not being able to handle them and not being able to smile every time inconvenience occurs.
The burden of smiling.
The burden of always appearing pretty and collected.
The ridiculousness makes me want to rip my hair out. Everytime.
Despite all that however, I’m slowly making peace with them even though it’s still difficult for me not to take my anger out on people who irritate me so much when I’m in that period of time. Because even when I tell them I'm sensitive and trying to regulate my emotions, they will mostly take that as a challenge to be so annoying.
Blaming me in the end for being overly sensitive when I blew up.
I always warn them before they challenge themselves and be stubborn. But alas, they brought it upon themselves.
Periods are difficult for me. Even with the constant diet change, being more active in windows where I’m supposed to be active and resting when I’m supposed to be resting, period will always make me feel like a total shit.
Dealing with emotional ups and downs is one thing, dealing with the pain, cramps, and headache that will always follow after is another.
That’s how sometimes I envy girls who barely feel pain in their body whenever they’re having periods, or that it’s easier for them to navigate through life.
Good for them, truly, because if I could, I want all girls to have it easier dealing with periods.
It’s just sometimes, I’m envious that I can never feel light for a long time when periods are coming.
Being girls with a built-in pain inside their body is not easy, it’s too hard to make men understand the great burden we have to endure every single month. It’s too hard to make them understand that we will never get used to it. We will never get used to the pain. So most of our irritations are totally valid to begin with.
There are those who were raised by their parents right and could empathize with us, I’ll always appreciate those men, even though that’s a total bare minimum… but the ratio of those who understand and can empathize with those who will always think it’s natural for us to be like that and to just suck it all, is way too phenomenal.
Not to mention when they already have a sticky false upbringing about women and menses in Islam, a religion that I believe in, women and menstruating somehow became a really taboo topic for a discourse in most Islamic communities, which is another horrendous foul thing to ever occur.
So it sucks.
Period is sucks, not having periods also sucks…
It’s just how we’re built, I understand that.
What frustrates me the most is when the society gaslighted and guilt-trips me to not feel any of these irritations even though we have to endure a long excruciating 7 days with pain and being stuck in discombobulation.
I just want them to be more understanding, if they can’t empathize that is…and more discourse about it so a wide range of people, women and men alike, can understand more about healthier approaches and education about menstruation.
In the hope that in the end, it would make them kinder…
In short, I just want a break.
L.
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Dedicated to all women and those who menses, because sometimes, we just want a freaking break.
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Shark Week Sucks
the most upsetting things about women's period, for me, is funnily not the crippling pains I suffered at least for 3 days at the beginning of the week of my period, if I could say so myself. but rather, it is the not-so-surprisingly rush of miscellaneous emotions that pouring down to me, invading my brain, as well as infecting and corroding me with the unnecessarily MOST useless thoughts my brain could muster out of my own will, almost day and night, 24/7 pre, during, and post shark weeks.
I'm now being reminded again that having a vivid imaginative mind, as a woman at that, is not always a flowery field. even worst when the thoughts inside of my head were pointing fingers at me and scoffing at how truly an embodiment of a coward I was, spitting such words without that much remorse towards me, the owner of the head itself, the one who should have hold the reigns in the household.
well, I at least have to be grateful though because I can still keep the truce between me and the said miscellaneous thoughts which continue on crippling my mind for god's know how long, and write this damn long-ass essay at this hour just so I can put my mind at ease.
but again, yes, you guess right, it still sucks.
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