#so when people judge others for idk

[smute]

whenever i see "poor people shouldn't have [thing]" discourse i always think back to about ten years ago when i had just been fired from my shitty airport job and i was waiting for my unemployment benefits to be processed and couldn't pay the rent.

because i was desperate, proud, and stuck in that same "if you're poor you cant have nice things" mind prison, i made the very difficult decision to give up my favorite hobby and sold my dslr and camera gear for i believe 700 or 800€ (under value of course since i was in a bad position to negotiate). my camera was the most (the only) valuable item in my possession, so in that moment of crisis it was a no-brainer to get rid of it. could i have asked my friends and family for help? of course. not that any one of them would have been able to pay my full rent, but with combined efforts im sure i could have made it through that month somehow. but because i was desperate and proud and needlessly judgmental of myself, i sold my stuff to a very nice guy (im sure he was ecstatic about having made the deal of a lifetime).

now. 800€ is a lot of money. of course it was a big help. i could finally pay my rent and i was able to get my bank account out of the red. but the thing is... in the end, it was just barely enough. the following month my unemployment money came in and i found a new job soon after that, but ultimately, the sacrifice of giving up something that had been such a big part of my life, something that had brought me so much joy, was out of all proportion to the financial relief it brought me. it literally bought me another month with a roof over my head, and i guess the comfort of being able to tell myself that i'd "tried everything" before asking anyone for help. and thats it. just one month later i was back to square one – job, apartment, just enough money to make ends meet – only with one less thing to do in my free time.

#so when people judge others for idk #spending money on seemingly frivolous things #this is what they really want #sacrifice #they want you to suffer #not because they're evil #but because they want to believe that #were they ever in the same position #they would do everything in their power to get out of their misery #they want to believe that poverty is a n individual failing #not a structural problem #it's much easier to pretend that poor people are bad at budgeting #than to acknowledge that it's impossible to budget your way out of poverty #&

[inkskinned]

he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.

except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?

at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.

except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.

about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.

he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.

#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag #writeblr #it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal #fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho) #healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy #im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage.... #1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind #and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes #2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception'' #3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.'' #idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh #im sure there are people who have this experience normally #but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists #when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band'' #edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful #once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large #but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry. #but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes #but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally. #i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes #people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism #but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet . #i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY #and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound. #but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in #i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too. #here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change #was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort) #choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL

[tubbytarchia]

@mcyt-yuri-week Day 5, Rose/Thorns I never stop thinking about SL episode 8 never ever

#gempearl #pearlgem #shinyduo #shiny duo #trafficshipping #I tried to word it a few different ways but I feel like its still so easy to interpret this as negative but noo its positive #because the thorns here are referencing the scarlet persona that Pearl's embraced. being left with nothing but it - the thorns #But it's not that Gem likes her just for her scarlet persona. She likes her for her. Pearl's not just thorns #Gem doesnt really care about the “thorns” or the petalless rose stem. she cares about Pearl. She thinks Pearl's cool (thumbs up emoji) #Pearl changes into her scarlet fit like she has many times before with the purpose of scaring people & leaning into her feared witch thing #but Gem's just like “omg slayyy” and its the best. And to Pearl it's like whoag #Gem never saw how she changed. Never saw her be ostracized and the aftermath #But she thought that the Pearl she did see in SL was cool and so easily accepted her when Pearl herself though herself so unacceptable #she got love from the Mounders and BigB and that warms my heart but Gem being a newcomer immediately embracing Pearl is just #it hits different #whoa jimbo way too many tags hghghgh #mcytyuriweekvalentines #at first I thought about smth like “where the others saw thorns you saw a rose” but I thought it was more fitting this way #I guess you guys be the judge of that haha idk what Im saying #tubby art

[tumblerosestudios]

I have a simple rule for life that can be applied to anything and anyone:

You can't gatekeep someone's existence

This rule applies to a wide range of identities and people, here, let's give a few examples;

Bi Lesbians are harmful beca-

You can't gatekeep someone's existence

Aspec people aren't LGBT+ becau-

You can't gatekeep someone's existence

A lesbian can't use he/him pronouns bec-

You can't gatekeep someone's existence

If someone says they're X but you don't like X so you try to undermine their identity or somehow call it "harmful" then you're the problem, it's hard enough trying to just exist while openly not a cishet white guy and if someone finds a label that fits it is not your job to tell that person that Um Akshually That Label Which Aligns With Your Lived Experience is harmful because blah blah blah, it is your job to say I'm happy you're figuring yourself out and then move on with your day.

The only "identities" that are harmful are bigoted ones that actively attack others, so basically only Super straight morons and terfs. anyone else, it's not your fuckin problem. If someone says the split attraction model helps them articulate their feelings and experiences even when not aspec, you don't get to be the final say in telling them they're not "allowed" to use it, I'll say it one more time for the people in the back:

You can't gatekeep someone's existence

Thanks for coming to my fuckin Ted talk if you have to bitch my inbox is open so I can easily block you have a nice day

#tumblerose talks #transgender #stop being gatekeepy weirdos #bi lesbians #mspec lesbians #aspec #aro #asexual #aromantic #idk what all to tag this I'm just tired of seeing people be weird about other people's identities when they didn't do shit wrong #judge someone not by their birth but their character yadda yadda #idk support me on Patreon so I can rant without worrying about bills

[8km-2]

was the church always in charge of yharnam or was there like a mayor and then laurence came along and did something...?

#they never really say anything about in the lore #so i am a little curious #also wonder what kind of law enforcement was there before the church hunters took over #it would be kinda cool if there was some corruption in yharnam before the hc #like someone (or some people) being so terrible you end up rooting for laurence to win #but feel wrong/bad for doing so considering what the hc becomes later #idk i was just thinking about when brador would've come into the story #i do like to imagine laurence got closer to brador because unlike the others #he can act pretty immoral without being judged or getting any kind of push back #considering brador doesn't really have that much of a moral compass #ramblings

[thewritingpossum]

Hold on, Kathr*n Warn*r recently published a book exclusively about Edward II's sexuality and relationships?

#like girl you already published a whole biography about him and some about most of the people he had relationships with #what more are you gonna say? #some incesty bs probably tho i probably shouldn't judge when i haven't read it #but seriously i don't know if it's an unpopular opinion or what but i'm seriously tired of people overfocusing on edward ii's sexuality #don't get me wrong talking about his relationships with his wife and favorites is interesting #and it has had a direct impact on the rest of his life so obviously we'll need to talk about it #but like...he did other things in his life #idk i don't know how to express it clearly but it had just gotten very tired for me tbh

[lord-squiggletits]

"Rodimus is a better Prime because it didn't hurt for him to bond with the Matrix while for Optimus it did" headcanon/theory my beloathed.

One day I'm literally gonna snap and make a whole post addressing why what's wrong bc I'm tired of the inaccuracy and tired of ppl not understanding the Point TM of IDW and its version of the Matrix/Primacy and even more tired of people putting down Optimus in favor of Rodimus by essentially arguing that being unworthy means you deserve to be punished/put in pain bc you just weren't good enough to hold the Symbol of Ultimate Authority

#it's wrong on so many levels both in terms of lore and as well as like what the general themes of idw1 are #it's just a validation contest using the matrix as some magical symbol to decide who's the most special #which is ironically something that was a plot point in exrid/OP. specifically how stupid of an idea that is ldskjflksd #ppl revealing that they havent read anything besides mtmte/ll as usual #like half the reason ppl think optimus is a bad prime and rodimus is a good prime is literally bc like #optimus was written by an author who was specifically trying to deconstruct him (sometimes to the point of absurdity) #and rodimus was written by an author who takes a more optimistic/idealistic approach. and is also better at writing #but also like am i seriously the only person who thinks that that argument is fucked up????? #like 'OP felt pain which means he's unworthy/not a real prime/not a true leader' #ok so you think that there's a hierarchy of moral goodness in which anyone who falls short of that Moral Ideal should suffer #as a sign of their unworthiness?? like does that not sound dystopian as hell to any of you?? why would you WANT the matrix to work like tha #even if the theory were true (which it isn't) why would you view the matrix as a good authoritative moral judge of character #if its idea of 'moral judgement' is to inflict pain on anyone who's supposedly not truly good/worthy #wasn't the entire point of the ending of LL (including rodimus being a good leader) that everyone is worth it? #like rodimus literally said 'you ARE damn well good enough' or something like that #so what? everyone else in the universe tries their best and that's enough but somehow when OP suffers it's like #a sign that he's not actually a good prime/leader?? we're really going with the punitive perspective purely for One Guy?? #swear to god ppl are projecting their authority issues onto Optimus the way they shit on him for things they would excuse #if any other character did it #Optimus is uniquely deserving of pain/being marked as unworthy bc idk he was a cop once and that offends my delicate sensibilities #what's even funnier is how much harm was inflicted by rodimus as a captain sheerly due to his stupidity or ego but everyone forgives him #i guess bc as long as the matrix likes him that means he's valid no matter what he actually does as a person #WHICH IS SOMETHING IDW ITSELF ARGUED AGAINST BC A LOT OF THE PRIMES THAT WERE CHOSEN BY THE MATRIX #WERE DICKS AND THE FACT THEY COULD WIELD THE MATRIX DIDN'T MAKE THEM GOOD PEOPLE #like oh my god stop using the matrix as an arbiter of moral authority in idw1 it literally goes against the themes of the story #including the themes that are embodied in rodimus himself #idw op love

[frnkiebby]

your thoughts on frank are being helpful for my shitty fanfic, I appreciate it :)

😂☠️ i’m so very glad i can be of assistance~🎃

#shitty fanfic can be fun fanfic tbh #also i doubt it’s shitty #i mean idk what you’ve written #so i mean i guess i can’t REALLY judge that #but i know i call whatever i do writing are or otherwise shitty and i hear the opposite so i’m sure it’s not shitty #art** fuck it i’m not redoing that entire tag #whether of not i believe when people tell me it’s not shitty is a whole other story #BELIEVE IN YOUR SELF AND YOUR FICS / ART / OR OTHERWISE GODDAMNIT #frnkiebby #fruityfroggyfelon #frank iero #mcr #frnkiero #mcrmy #frnkie #mcr5 #my chemical romance #my chem #ilhsm

[gothmods]

I do really enjoy that every character in dunmeshi has things they need to work on in terms of like socially and emotionally and that how that impacts their relationships with each other is such a central part of the story

Like ultimately to me its such a character driven story in a way that feels very applicable i guess to me at this point in life

#you can tell ryoko kui has spent a lot of time considering each character and then how they would interact with each other #but i also think shes just very good at presenting each characters shortcomings in a very nonjudgemental but still analytical way #which is something im drawn to in media more the older i get #that capturing of the realities of human interaction #which really is why i guess laios resonates with so many autistic people because beyond the common flags people pick up on is a very well #crafted portrayal of his emotional and social experiences and at least for me it reminds me a lot of when i was younger #and idk it feels rare to be able to resonate with things like a characters social failings and immaturity without feeling judged #by the narrative for resonating with those things #which while i relate less i think the same can be said of marcille

[dennisboobs]

im gonna let you guys in on a little secret.

the more macden shippers shit on other pairings, the more multishippers like me will move towards their secondary and/or tertiary pairings. if i can't go into the charden tag without seeing a post intentionally tagged with multiple ships and trying to spark discourse between them by saying people who ship "rarepairs" are stupid and delusional, first of all, that's an instant fucking block, but like. I'm not going to feel like talking about macdennis when it feels like there's such an obnoxious pressure on you to fall into line and accept the widely preached and accepted fanon canon.

I love macden too. and I would post about and enjoy it a lot more if y'all didn't make it feel like we had to pick a side. just because you prefer the big popular ship, that doesn't make you smarter, or more correct than anyone who ships charden or charmac, it just means you have different preferences. i think macden has the biggest chance of being an actual couple on the show, and obviously mac and dennis are both gay and queer respectively, but if i want to ship charden, why can't i do that too? fandom is supposed to be fun, and it's supposed to be enjoyable, i don't want to have to fight to prove that this ship that i personally see working and enjoy the dynamics of is a "valid ship" when i am fully aware that they're not going to be canon that's kind of the point, and why i prefer it. and for the love of god... if you hc a pairing as platonic, that is perfectly fine. that's how i see charmac myself, but that is your view and your problem, not the shippers'. just block the tag so you don't have to see it if it bothers you that much.

and i don't like several of the other common rarepairs, but have any of you ever seen me talking shit on charmac or chardee shippers? no. stay in your lane and let people live. i'm sick of seeing people acting superior over a fucking it's always sunny in philadelphia ship.

#ada speaks #i am so tired #of feeling like im being judged constantly because of this lmao #its fine if you dont see charden personally but shut the fuck up about it #i purposefully mangle the word mac//den so it doesn't show up in tags if im being critical of their dynamic #AND I SHIP THEM SO LIKE. #i am just vibing bro! i just want to write about charden shared trauma! #idk how its seemingly so hard to understand why people would ship other members of the gang #theyre like. friends. #people crackship characters in other FANDOMS and this is somehow the hill you choose to die on re: 'delusional' ships? #i think its based as hell for people to ship people who've never interacted actually because it brings out cool fucking dynamics #that you wouldnt normally see in canon! have your fave blorbos interact who gives a shit #just so frustrating to feel like you need to justify Why you ship characters when its.... rlly not that farfetched #and yet people will actively vague and point and laugh at you for shipping characters whove been friends for the majority of their life #okay rant over im just. huheeuheu

[tyranitarkisser]

I havent truly sat down and read all of the epilogues yet but i will admit i skimmed through candy looking for all of gamzees dialogue and ignoring everything else and what i love about it is how it completely demystifies him as a character. Everyone is always like ooohh hes so enigmatic and doesnt make any sense, i liked him better before murderstuck when he was nice to his friends and its like no.. hes always been this way lol he just was holding back and high

#like i think so much about what was going through his head during act 5 when everyone just yelled at him and called him annoying and he just #took it and smiled #i think reducing him to an uwu soft boy is a misinterpretation of his character and doing him a disservice #he sucks and thats what we love about him! #hes the juggalo troll for crying out loud! the band about serial killer clowns?? #idk maybe thats really obvious to other people but just some thoughts i have #anyway. i will continue to woobify him and draw his cheeks getting squished except hes the canon evil gamzee 😈 #hes my stinky little creature #you can interpret charaxters however you like for shipping purposes like i wont judge you for that

[hwsforeignrelations]

Everybody learns at their own pace everybody learns in their own time everybody everybody learns at the time best for them everybody-

#.txt #AGONIZING #the desire to improve right.this. second to unattainable degrees is crushing me oh nature cleooo #so many skilled artists and writers to be inspired from and motivated by #I REALIZE its like. all 20-smiths but I just love their stuff so much TT #and look. I still have to do my yearly america cringe post redraw and I’m excited BUT LAST YEAR I literally preferred the previous #and writing again and realizing I might have REGRESSED?!?!? from 2021?!?!? well maybe not BUT #its a tough lesson to learn that just because you age you don’t improve things you associate ur identity with if. you don’t. PRACTICE #like idk #anatomy not good enough #dialogue not good enough #not doing trends means less acknowledgement and that HURTS but I just don’t like making shit idc about it so it doesn’t feel worth it #going to college and realize it ur gonna have to stop being a kid and being ok with inadequacy #loving talking to fandom ppl but thinking oh ill never be as charismatic never be as interesting or as knowledgeable about history and #lighting #PEOPLE SHOULDNT COMPARE THEMSELVES TO THOSE 5+ YEARS OLDER bc DUH they’re gonna often be better #I just. havin a creative bump where it feels like ill never bring my ideas to as good fruitation as others can #well. um. yea if that’s about it. I’m gonna go plan for tomorrows usual week comic cuz I’m flying to England at 5pm and wont have time/bars #ill be in Europe for the next three weeks and I’m very excited #just feeling all around inadequate if cuz Europeans often judge you REALLY harsh when they find out your American #I just need to POWER THOUGH and have a good time and make the comics and write the stories I wanna write #cuz that’s all I can do and the only way to get better at walking is to walk the walk

[fitzrove]

I think I'm struggling creatively because as time goes on I find less and less motivation to write (and read, tbh!) stuff that's

good wholesome queer representation

escapist everything-gets-better fantasy ("because life is hard enough why would you write about miserable things")

palatable to people who disagree with me

And obviously I'm nowhere near finishing even a single original thing yet ahdfhajf but I've been looking at publishing videos that people who have experience in the industry have made and. Man no wonder that so much milquetoast stuff gets put out nowadays

#not to be a hater and controversial but #the fact that its often straight people judging whether queer representation has problematic elements (and similar situations) #and lots of queer media seems to be made with straight people in mind (at least as a considerable portion of the audience) #and ugh in general/unrelated like. i just want to write litfic about the human condition XDD and structural inequality #but if i do it with fanfic nobody will read it because my most popular fics will always be ones where white men kiss each other for 3k word #obviously i'm grateful that anyone reads anything i write aggdhfh it's very nice to be heard #but fr my most popular fics are NOT my best ones #and yeah like if i write original fiction it's unlikely to do well in publishing because there's no hot sexy straight romance or wholesome #soft high school good representation queer people:3 #maybe i can put in a red herring twink guy idk #also i'm just so bitter about linguistic inequality still XDD like. in a video abt fantasy tropes the person making the video hates they #said that they hate 'overly long fantasy names' that they can't pronounce #which just made me go 'silence anglo' mentally because omfg super often those names are just BASED ON CULTURES YOU'RE NOT PART OF #(disclaimer i know not all english speakers are ignorant hahfjsdhjfj) #but yeah its funny when old english inspired names are too hard for modern english speakers like welcome to being anyone else lol #its somehow considered a minimum requirement of knowledge to be able to pronounce names like george and matthew correctly #but then for other languages it's a special courtesy if people say names right #afujishgfis and this is just one example #rant #writing #literature

[inf1nyxw0rlds]

i love complexity. except of course if it's about me . hope that helps

#transmission #what i mean is i love acknowleging nuance and intricacies but i hate when i cant neatly compartmentalise myself #i want to know WHY im xyz! a distinct reason! and etc #i was thinking deeply the past few days on why i suddenly got so mad bc i do Not usually talk that way publicly #bc i dont want to be hypocritical in that. i purposefully usually speak in a way where i make myself overly clear and #try to avoid making people feel ashamed in any way. because i KNOW how it feels right #but digging further i think its like. its a rage inducing cycle of mockery in the infinite fandom. the normies make fun of the weirdos #and the weirdos make fun of the normies because hey fuck you too. and ppl who enjoy infinite casually arent inherently wrong #but when they fill the tags with complsints and criticisms on a source material they havent delved into much #it irritates a lot of the people who HAVE because while an opinion is fine critiquing something seriously does mean understanding it #on a bit deeper of a level i think? #and thats what always got me personally #but we just have this system of you suck youre wrong and i think its also because infinite has taken so much shit that #we are VERY protective and defensive. like yeah if people spend years ripping into the thing that you like that happens #idk in just pondering. the ponderer... #i like to analyse not just fiction but how ppls brains work in general and irl stuff #mostly personal dissection bc im obsessive about myself. not in a fun way but more an endless interrogation and rumination way #the disorder fr #not wanting to hurt ppl and make them feel judged bc you know what its like vs carthasis of dunking on ppl who dunk on you #thats what i think it is for me #one of the reasons i wasnt posting for a long time was caring too much abt other people so if im getting the itch again #im gonna keep an eye on it #anyway

[hauntedtotem]

I think the biggest red flag for me regarding the hopelesspeaches and lio convoy stuff, their entire group (especially lio) has near identical speech patterns and dynamics as my mom's online friend group. Which is less of a red flag and more of a raging wildfire tbh

#I listened to all the calls when they 'leaked' but I didn't know they were leaks I thought lio posted that stuff proudly #I didn't know that they weren't meant to be seen by the public until just now lol #Anyways I'm pleasantly surprised people are talking about how fucked up they were #Bc tbh when I was like 'oh this makes peaches (and everyone else) look like a bitch kinda' the first time I heard the calls- #I thought I was maybe being too judgey or sensitive or something? #But now everyone else is like 'yeah they are all being bitches actually' im like. Oh! So I understood right and wasn't just overreacting #Mostly bc lio was ranting about being a conservative Christian and weird 'nuclear family values' on one call and my immediate thought was #'oh gross Im too biased against this man to be able to look at this- #-discussion objectively. I'm gonna think he sucks regardless of the situation and therefore idk lf im a fair judge ?' #So it's cool to get confirmation from other ppl saying 'oh no ur right he sucks and here's why' #this is the 2nd time this week I got 'no youre not just overreacting. Other ppl are upset too' validation abt a topic. cool #//shade #I'm sure there's plenty of found family groups online that are great but so many of the ones i hear abt feel like a cult imo #My mom is in a group where this dude calls her and other women there his daughters like lio does to peaches and it feels gross to me idk #Ik everyone craves found family connections but. Idkk it feels weird to be taking that in a literal sense and calling them dad/my daughter #Feels like introducing unnecessary power dynamics. #Theres a difference between 'oh this person is like family to me because we're so close' #vs 'oh i am adopting this person and assuming a parental position over them'. that sounds unhealthy I think ? #Edit I just found out lio posted a response but it's midnight and I have a date tomorrow I'm not watching that rn lol #imo both him and peaches are bad and idc if one is worse than the other or whatever. #Peaches has been two faced for a while; lio might've taken advantage of her bc he's kinda creepy. They're both saying the other abused them #This is like jade and julian talking shit about each other to me. Idc guys I hate both of u srry <3 #Iykyk

[caffeinatedopossum]

I hate how even in asexual communities, it's still so hard to find other sex repulsed aces. Like idk it feels like no matter where I am, I'm the one who has a problem and I hate it. I never asked to be like this but at the same time I don't want people to keep treating me like I'm just damaged and need to be fixed. Or like it's fine as long as I don't impose it on other people...

idk how to explain to people that I'm not just internally tolerating things, I'm actually in a lot of pain over it. I'm not just disgusted, I'm panicking and upset over the fact that I feel disgust sometimes toward people I like very much actually. Idk I just feel like it's never talked about and it's extremely upsetting.

And the worst part is, if I tell people, everyone has their own assumptions about what "made me this way" and tbh that is just not something I'm comfortable with. My only choices are to either be uncomfortable because I'm panicking and being excluded from a lot of things (usually conversations but sometimes other things too) or to be uncomfortable because I set a boundary and asked people to stop and now everyone is either mad at me or making assumptions about me that I quite honestly don't think I'm okay directly addressing.

I don't know. I just wish there was some non-judgmental recognition that this makes so many things really really hard for me I guess.

#usually the assumptions are that i was sa'd and need to be 'fixed' in therapy #which is just. i dont even know how to explain how fucked up that is if you dont already see it #i dont want to talk about that with pretty much anyone. the only person ill talk to that about is my gf #and only when were alone and i know no ones going to judge me or see me breaking #i start shaking and crying and i cant stop and everytime i hear people making this assumption it puts me back in that headspace #where im so vulnerable and terrified and panicking #and i just hate it. i hate that other people can openly talk about their sexualities but mine is too personal #i do in a way want to be fixed but not with the outcome that other people would want #i just want to be okay. that is literally all i want. i still fully believe ill always be asexual #but when i tell people im sex repulsed its like they assume im secretly not asexual #i kinda think if they think that they probably also hate other asexuals but its just disguised better but idk #im just so tired of being uncomfortable all of the time. i hate it and i dont even know if its me that i hate or everyone else #id just like it to be neither someday #oh yeah also resources as in research and published studies and actually knowledgeable doctors are realllly hard to find #the majority is still overwhelming biased and believe that its a mental disorder and the result of sa too #and i just wish they would actually conduct studies without polluting them with their own biases all the time