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oonajaeadira · 10 months

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Leave Off Your Wandering pt. 2: Summer

Fandom: The Last of Us (TV)/ Joel Miller

Pairing: Joel Miller x f!reader

Reader: Adult female. Old enough to have been an adult on Outbreak Day. Wyoming born and bred. Sheep farmer, easy-going but confident and self-sufficient. Likes to sing, not a great cook. Childhood friend of Maria. No other physical descriptors; no use of y/n.

Rating: T for now

Warnings: Hunting and skinning squirrels. Chemical burns to skin. Piercing injury. Joel being a dick in a moment of self-preservation. Ellie's still a swear-mouth. Everybody makes some mistakes.

Summary: You solve a problem for Ellie and Joel really doesn't take it well.

A/N: Set after season 1 and then diverges. Does not acknowledge the existence of further plot/seasons, although I claim the right to steal ideas and bits of cannon from the second game if I want to for plot reasons later.

Listen. I know those warnings up there seem like a bit much, but I promise you all of that is in passing, in service to the plot, and not described in detail. (With the exception Ellie's cussing. That will persist indefinitely.) This is stupid fluffy.

Your gut reaction is to fetch your gun and point it at Ellie’s head.

But the girl is calm.

And the bites are healed.

“Wanna shoot me, don’t you,” she challenges with a mismatched set of cocky mouth and world weary eyes. “This one happened before I met Joel. And this one the day after. This is why he took me to the Fireflies. He told me not to tell anyone. That’s why I freaked out.”

Earlier in the day you’d gone looking for Ellie, hoping to show her the honeybee hive you’d discovered at the edge of the meadow. She’d been bathing in the stream, stripped down to nothing. She’d shrieked when she saw you coming near and you’d laughed and kept your eyes averted, understanding the self-consciousness of teenagers, about to tell her to come and find you when she was done.

And then she roared.

“GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME! GO!”

It had been a punch to the heart if not a slap to the face, which you were certain by her tone you would have received had you been close enough.

Saying nothing, and simply obeying her wish, you’d turned and gone back to the Roost. Ellie stayed away so long that her hair was completely dry and her nose was sunburned when she finally joined you.

Every footfall had been an apology on the ladder. And every slow creak along the porch was following an olive branch to the broken down sofa you perched on to keep watch over the north meadow.

Taking a reticent seat beside you, she’d rolled up her sleeve. “I’m sorry I yelled. I didn’t want you to see it. It’s kind of a life and death thing.”

“Obviously,” you answer, shellshocked. “Reaction warranted.” Dropping her arm to her lap and reaching up to pull down her cuff, you stop her, holding out a waiting hand. “Can I?”

Suddenly doe-eyed and struck by your acceptance, she nods and lays her forearm in your palm.

There’s instinctual revulsion at first, but it melts to wonder as you get a closer look at the scars. There’s nothing of skin breakage, no mycelium running underneath, nothing reaching for you through holes as there would be if you were having one of your nightmares.

Immunity. Statistically speaking, it had to exist, but she’s the first you’ve ever seen or heard of.

“I wondered why you’d choose to wear long sleeves in this heat. I see now. Joel was smart to tell you to keep it covered. This’ll get you killed faster than infection, that’s for sure.” The tendons in her arm flex involuntarily when you run your fingers over the marks. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to tickle.” She relaxes as you release her. This time she doesn’t move to cover the skin. “Out in the open with Joel, I can imagine why you were bit the second time. How’d you come by it the first time?”

“Messing around with a friend where I wasn’t supposed to.”

Ah. By the pull at her brow and the same laws of statistics, you’d hazard to guess that friend didn’t make it. Probably another kid like her. Tragic.

“I see. And that’s why you were being smuggled. That’s why they wanted you. Well, what did the Fireflies make of you?”

She clearly catches the way you slather contempt onto the name of the terrorist organization, but answers your question. “They wanted to make a cure from my blood. They had me on the operating table but raiders attacked the hospital and killed everyone while I was under. So I guess we missed our chance.”

A quiet minute passes as you watch her tracing her thumb over the scar, lost in thought, brow twisted, recounting the ordeal of that day. Something doesn’t sit right with her about it.

And neither does it sit right with you.

Doctors don’t put a person on an operating table just to draw blood.

And you’ve heard stories of what Joel’s capable of.

You’ve witnessed just how protective he is over this little girl.

Her reverie dissolves when you lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. “While I’m sorry they never got the chance to find the possibilities, I understand enough about research medicine to know that the likelihood of their finding a cure from just one person is almost impossible. So while they might have been able to study your blood, they most likely wouldn’t be able to get enough of it or keep it stable long enough to find any answers.”

“How do you know that?”

Over the next hour as the sun sinks in the sky and she soaks up your history, you tell her about your sister. How you and her and Maria were a tight-knit team growing up, how in love with Maria she was, how you were certain they were going to get married one day.

Then you tell her how Maria went off to law school and your sister got sick, that the cancer was rare and the treatment was long and expensive, so your parents had opted for research to fray some costs and keep the ranch.

In the end, there were no answers, not without more donors of her ilk.

Your parents took a loan against the ranch, knowing full well they would lose it, but everyone agreed it was worth it for whatever time it would buy her.

And then Jakarta fell. And the world went to hell.

A few of the elderly residents of the Jackson basin came to hole up on the ranch and most of Willa’s family and tribal branch moved over from their land to form a protective new family group. It worked for a few years. It was safe. It was a thriving little commune.

And then the Fireflies came.

“There were Fireflies out here too?”

“Oh yeah, they were in every QZ, spreading their lies and chaos through the telegram towers, recruiting poor young suckers wherever they took root and getting them all killed. You tangled with them and I’d say you’re lucky you’re alive.”

Ellie frowns down at her arm again. “What did they do when they came here?”

Another story then. Now you explain with a little less nostalgia how the Fireflies came to use your ranch as a base. Trucks coming and going at all hours. Gunshots in the night. Catching the attention of roving packs of raiders. People got hurt. People died.

There was one day when two Fireflies went out foraging mushrooms with old Ms. Celia. They brought her body back on a makeshift sled. Just keeled over, they said.

Funny how the same thing happened the week before with old Ms. Margie. What a coincidence that it was happening when the food supplies were running low.

But the last blow came when the ranch was attacked by raiders a third time. There was a plan in place to create a distraction, draw their attention away from the ranch. The Fireflies knew your sister was sick and designated she do the job. They put a gun to your head when you protested.

It’s okay, she’d said, I don’t have much left to lose. If I’m going out, at least the people I love will be safe.

It was a shit plan.

A lot of people died that day. Most of them were raiders, thanks to Willa and her tribe. Some of them were Fireflies thanks to you and your shotgun.

“So did you win?”

“No. The barriers were still broken. And the ranch was burned to the ground.”

The evening sky is a mix of purples and gold now, the flocks of birds swooping over the meadow are starting to vie for their meal of mosquitos and gnats with an increasing number of bats. Ellie watches one in particular as it swoops up and over the roof of the Roost.

“What about your parents?”

“They burned with the ranch.”

She nods solemnly, without horror, the attitude of a child that’s seen too much.

“And your sister died too then?”

"She got away at first. Found her in the woods a week later with a bite like yours, but she was long gone by then. One of Willa’s brothers did the shooting.”

Another quiet nod. “What was your sister’s name?” she asks as an evening bird calls.

It was bound to come up.

“Eleanor. We called her Ell. Ellie, when she was little.” When you can see the unearned guilt building in her face you bump her shoulder playfully. “It was almost twenty years ago. I hold onto the good memories. She was sweet and kind to everyone she met, never backsassed our parents, never disobeyed. So basically nothing like you at all.” You laugh when she shoots you an annoyed look. “Not that she was an angel though! She had her fire; you didn’t want to get on her bad side. And she was whip smart. That’s where the two of you meet I think.”

“Sounds like you lost everything at once.”

“I did,” a fact you aknowledge as you stretch and get up, heading back into the cabin to light the lantern. “But Willa helped me through. And then Jackson got its walls up and Maria found her way home and I had family again.” Once the lantern flickers to life, you grab your bag and start pawing through it. “You keep going for family.”

“That’s what Joel says.”

“Huh. You know what? I believe you. Here,” pulling a tank top out of your pack you toss it at her and it smacks her in the face. “While you’re out here you can wear that and not die of heat stroke in those knit tops. But when you’re out in the sun, put something over your shoulders or use the tsuga paste. Your skin hasn’t seen sun in a while and the last thing I need to do is bring you back cooked like a Christmas goose and have Joel all up in my ass about it.”

“That actually sounds like a good thing for both of you, if you ask me.”

“Watch it.”

“What? I didn’t say anything! Look at the time! We should be spinning wool! How I love spinning wool. Whoopee!”

“Like I said. Nothing like my sister. You little shit.”

________

“Meadowlark to patrol.”

“This is patrol.”

“Starling and I are on the southeast side of the meadow near the chokecherry copse and we’ve found a honeybee hive. I’m going to tie red flags to the surrounding trees. You wanna put the word out that some of these cherries are ready to go and get someone suited out here to scope out this hive?”

“This will make four hives now.”

“I know. We’re getting lucky this year.”

“Will do, Meadowlark. We’ll radio in before we cross borders.”

“Copy. Out.”

On the way back to the Roost you and Ellie stop to greet a group of sheep lazing in the grass, sitting down and sharing cherries with them from a basket between the two of you.

“They can eat these?” she asks.

“Sure. They can pretty much eat whatever we do. Chokecherries are fine. Just don’t give ‘em the leaves or stems. Those are poisonous.”

This means taking the time to pull cherries away from the branches until there’s a handful to feed the sheep. Normally you’d be fending them off during this, they’d be insistent and impatient, but the heat of the day has them lazy and languid.

It’s also working on Ellie as she yawns, stretching her white arms plastered in pine and sunflower paste for protection, her scar marring her otherwise unburned forearm.

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” you hand her another branch to start shucking. “Willa does tattoos. She could cover that for you.”

Ellie hesitates. “Maybe.”

“What. You don’t want a tattoo? I thought you might like that. It would be pretty badass. We could cover it with a starling or something….”

“I guess.” You wait for her excuse. It’s a decent one. “I just…It would mean Willa would know too. Joel told me not to tell anyone. I don’t think I should.”

“I understand. That’s kinda why I suggested Willa. The woman’s a vault.” But Ellie’s fingers stop picking berries, as if she doesn’t know what to do or what to say. “Oh. I see. You don’t want Joel to know you told anyone. Even me.”

She nods.

She changes the subject then–something about him wanting to keep her safe, even teaching her to use a shotgun to protect herself–but your mind keeps working on the problem.

It’s only when you make it back to the ladder at the Roost, one foot frozen on the bottom rung, that you find the answer.

“What’s wrong?” she asks from behind you.

Under the posts of the Roost is a load of firewood. And under that wood….

“Ellie…if there was another way to get rid of your scar, would you?”

“What. You gonna give me some kinda bird tattoo yourself? Is it gonna look like a blob or–”

“I mean, do you want it gone at all?”

She pulls herself out of her slouched position to her full height. “I mean…yeah…I think a tattoo is actually a great idea I just…”

“What if Willa didn’t have to know? What if she thought she was covering up something else?” Pulling a few armfulls of wood away from the side of the pile, you uncover a wide plank of wood, once a handsome cedar coffee table top, now a sunken excuse for a forest cellar door. Prying the wood out of its depression, you reveal an earthen pit housing a couple of shovels, a couple pairs of oilskin mittens, and a covered earthen pot.

“This,” you point to the pot, “is lye. We keep it out here in case one of the sheep dies from infection or illness. It’s important to bury the sheep to keep it away from the flock. But even if you bury a carcass, bear and coyotes will come sniffing around and dig it up. We discourage that with this. Lye breaks down organic matter. That’s why we have gloves in here. It burns skin.”

Ellie frowns into the pit, understanding slowly dawning until she asks with a gasp, “Does it hurt?”

“Hells yes it does. It’s a burn, Ellie. It hurts like a son of a bitch, there’s no way I’d lie about that. But it will twist the features of that scar. You’ll never have to dodge suspicion again.”

“Mother. Fucker,” her whisper shakes, but she eyes the pot in steady fascination.

“You know what?” You throw the tabletop back down over the hole, “I saw a whole lot of squirrels around those chokecherries and they’re actually good eating if you get a few of them and throw ‘em in a pot with some potatoes and onion and garlic…. Too bad their skins are too small to be useful. But we can’t just leave ‘em lying around, you know. So if you and I were to go out and get a few and make a stew, and say I was to show you how the lye works with the leavings… well, something might happen.” The girl looks you dead in the eye, her jaw dropping open a little in disbelief. “What do you say? You wanna go out and do some target practice? Get some squirrel for dinner?”

A switch flips in Ellie’s spine and her eyes spark cold and bright, two supernovas in a smiling galaxy.

“Fuck yes. I’ll get the rifle.”

________

“Good shot!” you cheer as a third squirrel drops from a branch and you share a high five. “Wonder who taught you that! Damn, girl! Three for three. Tonight, we feast.”

“So, when are we doing this?” Ellie smiles as you walk back to the Roost, the barrel of the rifle slung over one shoulder, a string of fuzzy dinner swinging from the other.

“Tomorrow morning. Willa will be coming in at noon and that should give us some time to get a good burn in before she arrives. It should be fine, but if anything goes wrong, she can help and that makes me feel better about it. Ellie…. You sure you trust me with this?”

“I can’t die from it, right?”

“No, but you might want to. It’s sure as hell not gonna be pleasant.”

“Lady, I spent half a year walking across the country with Joel. I’m a master at dealing with unpleasant.” By now the sheep are familiar with the sound of Ellie’s laughter and a few perk up on your way past to follow you lazily back to the Roost. “But, like, I don’t understand why we have to go through all this with the squirrels. Don’t get me wrong, I like the target practice and all…”

You take the squirrels from her and set up a makeshift butcher’s block on a stump left waist high specifically for this purpose. “I don’t want to lie to Joel when he freaks out about you getting hurt. We had squirrels. We disposed of the leavings. You got burned with the lye. Truth truth truth.”

“You think he’ll be mad at you?”

“Oh, I’m already counting that into the equation. I know you seem to think he’s fond of me, but not all the evidence leads up to that. You know how to clean a squirrel?”

“Sure do,” she grins as she trades the rifle for your boot knife and, taking the first rodent in hand, she works it skillfully, tongue sticking out the corner of her mouth, skinning the critter in one go. “Thanks, little buddy. You were cute, but you’ll be gooooooood eating.”

“You’re a hell of a kid.”

“Yeah, well, guess who taught me this?” she says as she morbidly slices through another one, making dramatic death noises as she goes. “Why do you think he doesn’t like you? Joel’s stupid about you. He just doesn’t know it yet.”

“Jesus, Ellie.” With a sigh and a shake of the head, you indulge her question and your own immature angst. “Well, for starters, I can tell he doesn’t think much of some of my conversation.”

“What do you mean?” Another skin lands at her feet.

“He just…doesn’t answer questions sometimes. Ignores comments. Doesn’t like to join in on the joke.”

“This is a big one,” she grunts, tugging at the final squirrel. “What side are you standing on when he ignores you?”

“Huh?”

“Where are you standing when you talk to Joel? He’s deaf in his right ear.”

You blink.

And suddenly a hell of a lot of things make a hell of a lot of sense.

That one time you complimented his shirt and he said nothing, you were on his right.

That one time you poked fun at his scowl. On his right.

You cracked that joke, offered a piece of pie, told him everything would be alright.

Right. Right. Right.

“I…didn’t know that,” you stammer stupidly, flinching when Ellie hands your knife back and heads for the ladder.

“Yeah, that was obvious. I’m gonna go get a bowl.” You’re still in shock as she starts climbing. “Don’t expect him to get down on one knee when he asks you to marry him; he’s got shitty knees too. He’s happy to complain about it if you ask him. Make sure it’s in his left ear.”

________

“Okay, look at me, Ellie. Breathe.”

She nods, her eyes burning with determination over the shirt you’ve tied around her nose and mouth to protect her from inhaling the mix.

As you sit in the grass a few meters from the stream with her arm resting in your mittened hands, you lay the lye-laden cloth over the scar and enclose it with pressure.

Her breath comes heavily. Bravely. Then you hear it change as the lye begins to work.

“Shit. It itches,” she hisses. “Shit. Shit shit fuck fuck ow it’s getting worse–”

“You want me to stop?”

“No shit fuck I can do this I got this shiiiiiiiiiit!”

“I won’t let you go too long but you let me know if you need–”

“I’m fine! FUCK!”

It’s when she screams that you know it’s enough and releasing her, you order, drill sergeant style, “Go! Go! Go! Fifteen minutes! Don’t look at it!”

Ellie bolts into the ice cold stream, sneakers and all, gasping as the water washes the cloth away from her. “Shit. I thought it would feel better. It doesn’t!”

“Does it feel worse?”

“No, it just fucking burns!”

A sigh of relief. “Well, that’s good. Just… just let it rinse. Do you feel woozy at all?”

She just shakes her head, looking down through the water. “It’s getting red. And puffy.”

“No broken skin?”

“No.”

“Good. It’ll probably blister up some.”

Ellie might not be feeling woozy, but you sure are. Was it a reckless idea? Probably. Will it actually work? Hopefully. Do you feel bad that she’s gonna be in pain for a while? Fuck yes. But then you remember when she put on your tank top and just … laid in the grass and smiled. Even if she never wore short sleeves again, at least nobody was going to make a fast decision with a gun to her skull.

You really should have checked with Joel though. No matter what Ellie wants, you know full well it wasn’t your call to make.

Another problem for another day.

“Everything okay down there?” Willa’s black braids glint in the sun as she walks down from the Roost.

“Ellie had a run in with the lye,” you call back.

“Yeah, I see you were composting. I filled in the hole.” She hardly even stops when she reaches you, simply pulls off her boots and heads straight into the water. “Let’s see. Oh yeah. That’s a burn alright.”

As Willa inspects Ellie’s submerged arm, the girl looks up and smiles at you, giving you a wet thumbs up. “Hurts like a motherfucker!"

“I’ll bet,” the woman hums dryly. “That’s going to swell up and scar pretty bad. Why don’t you sit and let the water do its work. Meadowlark and I will go pack your things and I’ll grab the gauze in the first aid kit.”

Willa doesn’t ask questions as you pack up, just the regular routine of information trade off. You tell her that you’ve marked a few sheep with blue dye to keep an eye on for injuries or dehydration. And she lets you know what’s going on in town, including the fact that there’s gonna be a wedding with a reception at the food hall over the weekend.

“Really? Who?”

“Bear and Missy Tippet.”

“Your uncle??? Willa, I can stay; don’t you wanna be there?”

She laughs. “Hell no I do not. You know exactly how I feel about Missy Tippet; same as you. I’d rather be out here. Perfect timing. They’ve been keeping each other warm on and off for years now. Maybe this will finally keep her on. As much as I hate to picture that,” she shivers.

Willa’s such an even-keeled soul and it’s not just anyone she’ll shit talk in front of. “Well, your secret’s safe with me. If it is a secret that is.”

“What’s a secret?” Ellie interrupts as she pulls herself up to the balcony from the ladder with one hand.

Willa takes a little time to show her the correct way to bandage the burn–not too tight–while you pack the horses, as well as instructing you where to find her stash of willow bark if Ellie needs it for the pain.

But something tells you that Eliie’s gonna tough it out. Though she holds her arm gingerly as she rides, fisting the reigns in her left hand, the girl grins all the way back to Jackson like she’s just pulled off the heist of the century.

________

Jackson is busy when you ride through the gates midday, folks passing by on their way to visit, deliver, build. Purpose in Jackson is taken seriously, as is leisure, and both are on display as you pass by the rustic main drag, in many different ways frozen in time–log storefronts and Mickey Mouse tshirts, leather-saddled livestock and Japanese fans.

You spot Joel waiting at the stables before he sees you, distracted by none other than Missy Tippet. Getting herself married or not, the stunning woman is a glutton for attention and a class A flirt, and she’s not the only one in town whose head turned the minute Joel took up residence.

Not that you can blame her, with him in that tight grey tshirt, busting a carpenter’s arms out of its sleeves and contouring it with sweat…. By the dust on his face, he’s been working today. Probably took a break to wait for–

“Ellie. Hey! You decided to come home.”

“Yup,” she says, throwing him the reins to distract him while she gingerly dismounts. “I shot three squirrels!”

You avoid Joel’s questioning glance as you slide down from your own mare and lead her into a stall. “Go on, you two, I’ll stable up. Nice to see you, Cinnamon Roll.”

But they’re already on their way, an engaged chattering, laughing questions and energetic answers…and your teasing goes unheard. Ah. Wrong ear, you realize.

Missy smirks; condescends.“Cinnamon roll, huh? Good try, I guess.”

You don’t rise to her bait. “Just giving him sass. He’s obviously not a fan. You gonna help me with these saddles or keep slobbering all over the men that aren’t your fiancee what come on by?”

Okay. Maybe a little rising.

________

It’s your ritual, first thing back from the meadow. The Roost holds a special place in your heart, but the one thing it can’t deliver is a shower. Great gods of earth and sky, let there be thanks that warm water’s still a thing, even in summer.

You’re still dripping, one head tilted to the side as you drain the last of the water out one ear, when there’s a knock at the front door downstairs.

Well, let’s see. There aren’t that many people who know you’re back yet and Ellie’s come home with a bandage on her arm. It’s easy to guess who’s knocking. Okay. Let’s get this over with.

When you answer the door wrapped in nothing but a towel, it obviously wasn’t what Joel was expecting, and if he walked over here with any ire, it instantly freezes and shatters like a bubble on the tundra when he takes in all the skin on display.

“You’ll excuse me if I don’t invite you in for snacks at the moment.”

Deflated, he simply rams his hands in his pockets, squinting. “You wanna tell me about Ellie’s arm?”

“I had planned on it at a time when I wasn’t wet and naked, but sure.” When he throws his hands up in defeat and turns to leave, you stop him, catching at his sleeve and stretching the fabric so it snaps back against his arm. “Hey. Wait. Yes. I was going to tell you.” As you cross your arms over the towel and lean on the door frame, he does much the same on the other side, averting his eyes and trying not to fidget. And failing. “It happened this morning. She shot some squirrels and we dressed ‘em for dinner last night and buried the bones and pelts. Gotta lye ‘em or animals come digging. I thought she could handle it. Looks like we both got burned, so to speak.” His face is stony. Unamused. You continue. “Willa looked at it this morning, we got it a good rinse. I’m gonna go by her place later and grab some willow bark and show Ellie how to compress.” He shakes his head at his boots. “Hey. She’ll be fine, Joel.”

“I don’t want her getting hurt out there.”

“And I do? It’s a chemical burn, not a clicker bite. She’ll learn from it. Kids can’t be put in glass cages.” It’s here that you pretend not to see the flash in his eye at the mention of bites, meanwhile noticing a bad scrape on his forearm. Seeing your opening, you reach out to draw a finger over it. “Jesus, Joel. Look at this. This. See? We all have occupational hazards. Come on.”

With a sigh you turn and pad into the kitchen to your first aid drawer, taking a chance that pays off--you’re surprised to hear him actually following. It takes a minute to dress the wound and you’re not ginger about it–water, apple cider vinegar, gauze. It’s a quiet minute though, one you thought you could power through, and maybe you could have, if you were in anything more than a towel…or couldn’t hear him breathing…or feel it on your skin. Trying to play it cool and get a vibe check on him, you look up only to catch his eye shifting away from your bare shoulder back to your work on his arm.

It’s time to break the silence, but you don’t feel the need to be on the defense anymore.

“We don’t have a lot of antibiotics just sitting around, you know. Don’t let this stuff fester, okay, cinnamon roll? You and that daredevil kid are a matching pair, you know that?”

He only grunts, half rolling his eyes at you, jaw set, voice at a soft compromise. “Yeah, well, I don’t want her going back out there until she’s healed up. Limited use of both arms is a good path to more accidents.”

“Fair. You win. Summer’s pretty slow anyway. I could use the quiet.” Laying it on thick, you tie up the ends of the gauze before releasing him back into the wilds. “Warm sun, buzz of bees. Sweet smell of grass and lupines. Meadow’s a good place for afternoon naps. Easier to do without an apprentice yapping my ear off.”

He nods thoughtfully at this--your words showing their effect--and slowly turns and heads for the door.

And you smile knowingly as you watch him go.

“You know,” you call out just before he closes the door behind him, “door’s open at the Roost. You can always come out there with her if you’re so concerned. That is, if you don’t mind sleeping on a broke-down sofa on the porch.”

Without looking back, he pauses briefly in the patch of summer glare. Then he silently steps out and pulls the door shut, leaving only the click of the latch and the sunlight through the leaded glass.

Well. That certainly could have gone much worse.

________

At least you’re wearing more clothes when it finally does go worse.

“What happened here, squirt?” Tommy taps his fork on Ellie’s bandage at family dinner.

And Ellie answers with a light jab to his arm. “Ow, you dick! That hurts!”

“Ellie–” a scold in stereo from both you and Joel.

As her teacher, the admonishment was instinctual. But in current context, it may have been a breach of place. The table goes silent as Joel’s head snaps in your direction and everyone else’s eyes bounce between you two, utterly amused. There’s a moment when you’re afraid he might just continue to glare, but then he cracks half a smile, shakes his head, and goes back to shoveling a spoonful of potatoes into his mouth.

It’s a reaction that lets you know Joel’s forgiven you, back to allowing you to be a rearing force in Ellie’s life.

“Meadowlark let me do some target practice and I shot some squirrels for dinner. Had to bury the skin and bones with lye and I got burned. Oops.”

“Oh my god,” Maria chews. “Are you okay?”

Ellie gives her a precocious smile and follows it with sarcastic condescension. “Yes, I’m going to live. As long as some people let it heal and stop hitting me with sharp things because they think they’re funny and they’re not.”

Tommy sticks his tongue out at Ellie and Maria laughs at them both before getting up to go fetch another jar of pickles from the pantry, holding her growing belly and waving off her husband's attempts to help.

“Rabbit’s better eating,” Tommy points out, returning to the subject at hand.

Ellie pops a stringbean into her mouth, clearly in a good mood. “But their hides are useful. Don’t have to bury them.”

The moment after she says this is like a lightning flash, and your reaction matches hers as you both freeze, realizing what she’s just accidentally said.

“Squirrels are faster, smaller, better target practice,” you say, clearing your throat, trying to act casual.

Tommy shrugs and nods, agreeing, oblivious, going to town on his ear of corn.

But Joel’s gone still, staring you down across the table, then casts a glance at Ellie…and her arm.

Shit.

Tommy and Maria are blissfully unaware of Joel’s turn for the quiet during the rest of the meal, not that he’d been very talkative to begin with. But the hesitant glances and shy smiles are gone now, replaced with a restrained patience and a few calculating glances.

It’s Maria’s turn to wash and Tommy’s to dry and yours to clear the table. But with every trip into the kitchen, you glance through the window over the sink into the yard where Joel and Ellie are having a spirited conversation under the tree at the far end.

'Spirited conversation' might be too polite a term. More like a one-sided lecture. Soon enough you have the table wiped down and you’re making a bee-line out the back door while Tommy and Maria argue about the best technique for drying a glass.

“That is not okay,” Joel hisses, trying to keep his voice low, giving Ellie’s shoulder a rough shake. “What if something went wrong? Huh? You could have burned down to the bone!”

“Joel, Joel, hey,” you whisper as you come to complete the triad. “Don’t. She confided in me. It was my idea.”

Nostrils flaring, lips pressed together, head wagging, he glares. “Of all the reckless, stupid….”

“I wanted to!” Ellie pleads, and you shut her down.

“That’s true, but Joel’s right and I knew it. I shouldn’t have–”

“If you tell anyone–” he warns, his eyes going full retribution against you--a hot coil ready to spring--and it petrifies you, takes you by the heart and squeezes.

“She won’t! Joel!”

“She’d better not.”

It’s a tense moment, one that surprises you. Scares you. In the months you’ve known him, Joel’s been a quiet and withdrawn creature, opening up in increments as you’ve done your best to build your trust, taming him slowly week after week, hoping for nothing more than having him someday eating out of your palm, pushing his cheek into your hand for gentle reassurance…

But in one fell swoop you’re back at the starting line–beyond the starting line. The papa bear in him is showing, bearing its teeth, and you’ve spent too much time among sheep, forgetting the valuable lesson that wild animals can never truly be tamed.

“I will burn this place to the ground if you ever hurt another hair on her head.” The quiet threat is feral and stinging and steals your breath before it’s over.

The things he’s capable of...those things are here and now and he could do them all to you before you had the chance to run.

The way he looks at you pulls the heat from the earth.

Before you can break from your paralysis, they’re gone, Joel pushing Ellie out of the yard toward home.

The stars are coming out. If there are crickets, you don’t hear them. Every sense seems to have shifted into neutral. Except breathing. That comes back with a hunger.

“Joel and Ellie take off?” Tommy calls from the window.

“Yeahhhh,” you call back without turning. “Tired. The heat. Think I might head home too.”

“Take a jar of these pickles. We have too many and Maria can't stomach them right now. I’ve got pickles coming out my damn ears.”

“Okay. Thanks, T. Pickles. Will do."

________

The following few days are...confusing. You should go out and grab some supplies on the main street, but actually fear running into Joel or Ellie. It’s stupid, and it makes you angry; it’s not that you’re afraid of him, it’s just…

You’re disappointed in yourself. Because everything’s upset now. Sure, you wanted to get close to them, but you overstepped, put Ellie in danger, made Joel feel unsafe. Everyone should feel safe in Jackson. Everyone should feel safe in the meadow. And you took that away from him.

Joel.

Why him? What about him do you need to have so badly? Why do you feel the need to fix him? To give him that safety?

Because Joel and Ellie so badly need a home. And you have an excess of home within you.

And little else.

You’ve never been lonely before. Why now?

Something about them….just fits.

Or so you thought. Or may have thought. Before you ruined it.

It’s better to just sit home and knit. Winter will be here soon enough and people need sweaters, dammit. You have a job to do.

But you can’t stay hidden away forever, especially not when there’s a wedding in the community.

________

“Bear, Missy, you’ve said your vows in front of all of us here tonight. We are all witness to your commitment. All in agreement, say aye!”

“AYE!”

“And those of you who want to spoil this good time, say nay!”

Bear’s brother pipes up from the side of the mess hall. “Nay!”

“Shut up, you asshole,” Bear laughs.

“Perfection is tempting devils!” his brother teases.

“Let ‘em come,” Bear shouts. “I’ll tear ‘em all down for my lady love, the prettiest girl in Jackson!” There’s applause and laughter as he kisses his new bride and the mood shifts as he roars, “Drinking and dancing!!!”

“Ugh. Good thing Willa isn’t here to see this. She’d be so annoyed.” Maria yells in your ear over the din as you huddle around your favorite table at the back of the hall. “I thought Missy would never settle down.”

“Bear must earn his name in the sack,” you crack back at her, and she clinks her glass against yours in agreement.

Tommy and Joel sit across the table from you, facing away toward the front. But when Tommy turns to join in the conversation, Joel remains facing out to the crowd, watching as tables are pushed to the side to make a dance floor, quietly pulling sips from a frothy cider.

He’s still pissed at you.

“Where’s Ellie?” you ask Tommy, not even attempting to address the wall of Joel-shaped ice.

“Over beyond, with the other big kids.”

You don’t turn to look, but Joel does after hearing the comment, before turning back to watch the crowd.

A band strikes up. Friends stop by and chat. Some of Tommy and Joel’s work friends come and take over the table–the boys all getting loud and rowdy–so you and Maria escape to the edge of the dance floor, beverages in hand, dancing–but not really–in place.

“What’s going on?” Maria finally asks over the music and the general glee.

“Hmm?”

“You two keep watching each other, but you’re not talking. What’s going on.”

You can’t keep from glancing over at the table…again. You weren’t aware of him taking any interest in you though.

“We had an argument the other day. I think I fucked things up.”

She pulls a face, comically surprised. “I would have guessed the other way around, but okay. You push him too hard or something?”

“Something like that.”

Glancing back over her shoulder at Joel and then back at you, Maria gives you her lawyer face. “He’ll come around. Tommy says he’s the last person to apologize for anything and if he does, you know it means a big deal. But if you’re willing to extend the olive branch first, that can go a long way.”

“Well, maybe not tonight,” you sigh, stealing a glance, watching as he drains his glass. “He’s had a few.”

But you can’t even convince yourself, handing your drink to Maria as Joel sets down his glass, slaps the table and pushes himself up, leaning forward to wish his buddies a good night. You follow him out of the mess hall like some lovestruck teenager strung out on a last hope.

“Joel. Joel!” Catching up with him halfway down the block, the light and noise from the party still follows as you get out in front of him. “Joel, stop. I have to apologize to you. Please let me.”

Though he’s backlit, you can still make out his tired glare. “Don’t. It’s not necessary.”

“Of course it is. Ellie’s important to you. You're her guardian. It wasn’t my call to make. I’m sorry.”

He waits a moment before throwing you an irritated prompt. “But?”

“But? I don’t know. She was hot in that long sleeve shirt and she showed me her arm–I can’t imagine what she went through. I just felt for her. But I did have a gut reaction when she showed me, Joel. Anyone would, but most wouldn’t hesitate for long. And those bites could get her killed. All I wanted was for her to be free from that. To be a kid. I’d say I wasn’t thinking, but...I was, Joel. Fuck was I thinking. I was thinking about her just being a kid and not getting killed.”

“Is that all?”

“Yeah, I guess. Except… I really don’t want you to punish her for my decision. She loves it out there. She thrives. And if you don’t trust me, my offer stands. Come with us. See for yourself.”

A huffed laugh. “Yeah? Do I get a callsign then?”

Your fatal flaw is jumping to the joke and the playful tease too soon, as you do now, anticipating his forgiveness. “Of course you do, grey fox.”

And that’s when he reaches out, pulls you close with strong hands.

Which would be exhilarating, if it wasn’t too close. And if his breath didn’t smell of cider.

“Why don’t you just take what you want,” he growls, quietly, coldly, jaw set, lips hardly moving.

It’s not fear that pings up your spine–now that you’ve had a taste of his anger and gotten over the initial shock from the other night, you know Joel won’t hurt you, not here, not as part of your found family, he knows better–

It’s bitter disappointment.

“What?”

His grip tightens, digs in. “It’s obvious what you want. Just go ahead. We’re both fucking lonely enough and I’m too old for games.”

He’s right here with you in the dark, his breath on your lips, your fingers twisting into the shoulders of his tshirt…but it’s wrong. It’s so wrong. And it’s hurting.

So you slowly push off his chest.

And the light from the mess hall hits your face again; something there causes his shoulders to drop, causes him to let you go.

A cheer rises up from the celebration that you’ve left behind, that you don’t feel like returning to, but neither can you be alone right now, so it’s likely your only choice.

“I’m not playing games, Joel. I never was. I like you. A lot. Both you and Ellie. I just didn’t want to spook you. But...I also don’t want someone who doesn’t want me. So…maybe I read you wrong. Or maybe we need different things.”

“What do you need?” It almost falls out of him, uncontrolled, unemotional, a gathering of facts.

And your answer comes the same way, surprising you as you’re sure his own question surprised himself.

“A home.”

It’s a quiet night, perfectly warm. You’re sure if you went home right now, the fireflies–the good kind–would be out in the back yard.

Instead, you give him a shellshocked nod–of finality, of punctuation–and follow your feet back toward the light, toward happiness and love that you can’t share at the moment. And you don’t look back.

________

When you don’t show up for family dinner that week, Maria comes knocking the next day.

Knocks, yes, but does not wait for an answer. In sisterly fashion, she makes straight for your wool room and sits calmly on the edge on the daybed there, staring at you as you mend a hole in a sweater.

“Missed you at our table last night.”

“I know.”

It doesn’t matter how hard she stares, you continue to avoid it and concentrate on the work in your hands.

“That was an invitation for you to explain.”

“I’m aware.”

“Girl–”

“I’m not getting along with Joel right now. Ellie has…this thing on her arm that she doesn’t want anyone to know about. You notice how she would wear long sleeves even in the heat? I felt bad for her. So I… suggested…the lye.”

This doesn't faze her. “It was on purpose. And Joel found out. I see.” Leaning back into the pillows with a pregnant grunt, she swings her feet up onto the daybed. “Is hiding helping? You know we all know where you live, right?”

“Are you really putting your muddy shoes on my quilt?”

“So you’re just going to avoid him.”

You squint at the binding. “I’m gonna have to raid the commissary for some better glasses. My eyesight’s getting out of hand.”

“You’re going to avoid us. Me and Tommy and Ellie.”

Letting out a huge sigh, you concede to her tenacity because she won’t stop until she gets what she wants. “For now.” When her tongue clicks, you finally look up. “Listen. I apologized and he’s still mad. I agree with you that he’ll get over it, but he hasn’t yet, and that means I haven’t either. And I’m not as good at turning on my bitch face as that one is.”

“So we shouldn’t expect you next week either.”

“Nope,” you pout, tackling the sweater again with focused frustration. “I traded with Goldie. Going out a week early.”

“You’re running away.”

“I’m stressed out and I need to not be here, yes!” You admit, throwing down the knitting. “What is the big deal? I don’t have to get along with everyone in Jackson! You don’t!”

You understand that flat look from her, known it since you were kids. She’s counting to 10, giving you the chance to calm down so one of you can speak the truth and speak it calmly.

“But you want to get along with Joel.”

Of course she was going to say that. Because it’s what you’re thinking and not wanting to say out loud and she can read you like a book.

“Yeah. I really do. You know I do.”

“Okay,” she says, pushing herself up with effort and crossing the room to kiss her fingers and press–nay, slap–them to your forehead before heading out. “Go on and go to your happy place. Go calm down in your little clubhouse. I was just worried about you is all. Brought you leftovers. They’re on the counter.”

“Thanks. You’re too good to me. As always. Love you.”

“I know. As always. Love you too.”

________

At the end of the week you’re up early, your pack and rations slung over your back, pistol on one hip, making your way to the stables while the town’s still quiet, before anyone can notice you going. Your boots crunch on the dirt road in lieu of the birdsong from those lazy bitches not even up yet, the dawnlight casting Jackson in blues and blacks, like a new-world mid-era Picasso.

The problem is, you know all of these blues and blacks, all these shapes and shadows. There’s a new one this morning, something leaning up against the stable door.

And it’s shaped like a fourteen year old girl with a couple of bags.

As you approach, Ellie tips away from the wall, standing upright, waiting until you come to a stop in front of her.

“Joel said I could go with you.”

“It’s a week early.”

“Yep.”

It’s too early in the morning for exasperated sighs, but here you are. “Maria or Tommy?”

“Tommy.”

“Figures. Big fucking mouth.”

“Yep.”

She waits patiently for it to sink in.

Once it does, you pull the walkie off your belt.

“Meadowlark to Chickadee. ETA 30, towing a Starling in behind me.”

________

“So what did you say to him to get him to change his mind?” Ellie takes your fishing rod so you can pull off your boots and roll up your pants.

“Me? I figured it was you said something.” Wading out into the stream at this little ripple point is harder than it looks. The rocks are sharper here, full of crannys that are equally as good for fish to hide in as they are to turn an ankle. It doesn’t help that the setting sun is throwing shadows that make it harder to determine what’s what. “I haven’t talked to him in weeks. Not since Bear’s wedding. Keep that line taut.”

“According to Maria, you haven’t talked to anyone lately.”

“I had knitting to do,” a dismissal as you follow the line out into the current. “There are hardly any weeds out here; what did this dang hook snag on? A rock?”

“Well, he finally admitted that masking the scar was a good thing. I told him I want to get a tattoo over it. He said no.”

You laugh, tugging at the line, teetering on a flatter stone. “Of course he did. But that’s a good thing. Tattoo’s a permanent mark. Good to have an excuse to think long and hard about what you’d want. Willa’s great with nature stuff. She could probably do you a bird or a tree or something.”

“I was thinking maybe the moon. Or like, a machete.”

“Of course you were. Oh, oh... hang on, I think I’ve found it.” Reaching down under one of the rocks, you follow the fishing line, but it doesn’t seem to have an end. “Well, where the hell?”

“Uhhhhh,” Ellie points to the water at your feet. “I think it found you.”

A fine red ribbon of blood floats away on the current and you follow it upstream to your foot. More specifically, the inner part of your big toe. “Well shit. Did I just catch my own damn self?”

“Catch of the day!” Ellie laughs. “I bet you fry up real tough. Does it hurt?”

“Didn’t even feel it, water’s too cold. Get your knife and cut the line so I don’t get all tangled.”

Once you’re back on shore and take stock, it’s obvious some tools are needed. “Run and get me the wire cutting pliers, the vinegar jug, and the first aid kit, will you?”

Ellie’s off like a shot on youthful legs, making short work of the errand while you keep your foot in the stream and tend to her line. But once she’s back and opens the kit, her face twists into a frown. “Aren’t there supposed to be bandages in here?”

“What?” Snipping the hook in two you slide it out the easy way as Ellie watches in morbid fascination. “There’s not?”

“Nope. Plenty of cleanser and some needle and thread, but no bandages.”

“Shit. I suppose we never restocked it after Willa set you up. Well, I’ll just have to bleed into my sock for the time being and find something up at the Roost.” Ellie moves to help you, but you hold a hand up and go for the walkie. “Hey. Meadowlark to Goldie.”

The walkie comes to life, garbled, full of noise.

“Goldie? Meadowlark to Goldfinch.”

A couple of seconds pass. “Sorry, Goldfinch here. Was in the tavern and there’s an arm wrestling competition in there. Lots of yelling.”

“Really? Who’s winning?”

“Right now it’s Bear. What’s up?”

“Oh, I never restocked the first aid kit after Ellie’s mishap and we’re needing clean bandages. Can you send some along on patrol tomorrow?”

“Sure. Everything alright out there?”

“Yeah, I just stepped on a fishhook.”

“Well, why the hell did you do that?”

“You know, the usual. Shits and giggles.”

“You do you. Don’t ever change. I’ll send some supplies along.”

“Thanks. Put a wager down on Bear for me. Meadowlark out.”

“Will do. Goldfinch gone.”

“Alright, kid,” you groan, hanging onto her shoulder and pulling yourself up, “Bring in your line and let’s take what we got and get a supper going.”

________

The next day, you drop a few old carrots over the balcony railing. “Ellie! Take these with you! You’ll tame that skittish one sooner or later; keep trying!”

The girl scoops up the veggies and trudges out through the pasture, heavy not with the task of doing the rounds by herself but due to the heat. At least she can wear short sleeves now, even if the bandage gets questions. But you suspect she enjoys the clout and attention she gets out of the burn.

Thank goodness she’s here. Your injury gets angry when you walk. So Ellie's tasked with the rounds and taking stock while you elevate the foot and get caught up on some spinning.

Not that there’s any hurry to do so. As you lean on your arms against the balcony railing a little breeze kicks up. Content for the moment, you let it bring you a little coolness, a little movement, the rising and falling music of this year’s batch of cicadas. The meadow's pretty this summer, all purples and reds, festooned with lupine and Indian paintbrush and the air at the Roost smelling like the pines that grow around it.

“Patrol to Meadowlark.”

Damn. You left the walkie on the table inside. Guess the decision’s been made for you to get your ass moving. That’ll be a delivery coming in and you hobble on over to answer.

"Patrol here. You there, Meadowlark?"

“Sorry. Meadowlark here.”

“Sending Joel Miller in with supplies at the north gate.”

That’s…not what you expected. But…wow. Really? Has your heart stopped, or is it just going really fast?

“Put him on the walkie.”

Who cares what you’re heart’s doing, your face is gonna cramp from the smile.

“Hey. It’s me,” he answers, gentle, penitent.

“Me who.”

“Joel.”

So he's olive branching first. Well, he'll have to earn it.

“Yeah, about that, we have procedures around here. Callsign or bust, sir.”

You can almost hear his eyes rolling, but it sounds like he’s up for the challenge.

“Seriously.”

“Sure.”

“Jesus. This is…Grey Fox. Coming in at the north gate. Happy?”

“I will be. Meadowlark out.”

Tottering gingerly back out to the balcony, you land heavily on the old green broke-down sofa. There’s no need to bring the rifle. Even if he was being pursued by a pack of raging clickers, Joel is certain to carry a gun, and certain to use it confidently.

A few slow minutes tick by in the sun and a cicada buzzes in from nowhere to attach itself to one of the balcony supports. The big bug breathes for a minute, its iridescent wings still twitching with the effort of hoisting that bulky little body.

And then, in your eyeline just past the cicada, there’s movement.

Joel coming out of the north woods.

He’s on foot. Green plaid and jeans wading through the flowered fields. With his shirtsleeves rolled up on purpose to let those brown arms and big hands of his swing. With not just the one, but two rifles on his back? Isn’t that a bit overkill?

Wait. One of them’s not a rifle. It’s…a guitar.

Well. Someone’s planned to make himself at home.

Your smile earns more real estate.

Good.

Soon he’s close enough for you to make out his grey curls shifting in the breeze. Then he disappears under the Roost, only to transform into the sound of heavy footfalls on the ladder.

Propping your chin on your forearms crossed over the back of the sofa, you watch through the front windows as he steps into the room and takes it in with a carpenter’s eye. He stops in silent appreciation, gaze scrolling the woodwork, the joints, posts, slope of the peak. The woodstove catches his notice and he taps the tile beneath it with his boot, his interest trailing up the pipe, squinting at the trap around the exhaust. His bottom lip pushes up in approval and he nods, surveying the windows now…and stops when he sees you.

“Hey there, Cinnamon Roll. Welcome to the Roost.”

A half-hidden smile. Without a word, he untangles himself out of his gear, digging through his knapsack and retrieving a box before coming out onto the balcony and making his way over to you. Swiping a hand through the air, he motions for you to move your knee so he can sit beside you, then pulls your foot up into his lap and takes a look over your makeshift bandage–the sleeve of an old blouse–before starting to unwrap it.

It hurts. But you let him.

"Who told you I needed a first aid kit?"

"Was at the tavern when Goldie got the call. Heard it myself. Where’s Ellie?”

“She’s making the rounds. Just left before you came in."

He grunts an acknowledgement, focusing on your toe, moving it so he can assess the wound a little better. A little wince; he can tell it hurts. Grabbing a tiny bottle of cleansing agent and a fresh bandage, he gets to work.

“Just so you know,” he grumbles, “we don’t have a lot of antibiotics just sitting around. You shouldn’t let this stuff fester.”

He must see your smirk from the corner of his eye. He matches it with his own.

“You using my words against me now, Dr. Miller?”

“Not at all. Just passing on some valuable knowledge that was gifted to me.”

He works quietly, carefully wrapping the toe, then your foot, splinting it in a way that should make it easier to walk on. Obviously not the first time he’s cared for a wound. He must have seen a lot out there in his wilder days.

“This one was truly an accident. For real this time,” you attest.

But his smile burns off to the stone underneath.

His sincerity precedes him. “I’m sorry.”

An apology. From Joel Miller. For what? Not trusting you? Keeping Ellie away? Speaking to you the way he did? You assume it’s all of the above. But it isn’t necessary to ask for clarification; you only want to put the missteps behind you and get on with leaning on each other.

“You’re staying, right?”

He nods once to you, then to the sofa. “This where I’m sleeping?”

“I mean, if you want one of our beds, that’s fine, you’ll just have to fight us for it. In which case, you might as well give up now.”

“No, it’s okay. It’ll be like sleeping under the stars.” He stares out at the mountains over the meadow, watching the shadow of a cloud roll over it, your foot warm between his hands, a thumb absently rubbing at the bandage. “This is nice out here. Quiet. I’m not used to it. But it’s good.”

“Yeah, I’ll admit I do better with some wide open spaces. And fewer people to share it with.”

Two lines form above the bridge of his nose. “Ellie told me about your ranch. Your family. I’m sorry to hear it.”

“It was a long time ago.”

“Doesn’t mean it isn’t worth being sorry.”

He's got you there. “Everyone’s lost something. Someone. Several someones. The whole world’s a little sorry. But I appreciate it. It means we’re all in it together, those of us left." You make a study of him, his solemn nod, the way the sun glints off his watch. “I’m glad you took me up on my invitation, Joel. It’ll be nice having you here, being out here together.”

And then he turns to you, making his own study of you, as if watching your clouds roll away too.

“I agree.”

________

“Now, the E7 is the same as the E, you just pick up that third finger. Good. Now let’s do a three-four, E7, A, E.”

As the sun starts to set, your eyes have had enough of the spindle for one day and you’re cleaning up while Joel and Ellie muck around with his guitar out on the balcony. She’s a quick study, even if some of the chords are more difficult than others for her small hands, and it’s obvious he’s been working with her on it for a while.

Using a walking stick that Joel made from a pine branch–stripping the bark and wrapping one end with duct tape for a sliverless handle–you put together a little plate of berries and cheese, sling a thermos full of sun tea under your arm, and head out to the balcony.

“That's it. Thumb, wrist, wrist,” Joel coaches Ellie in a waltz strum as you hand off the treats to him and take a spot at the railing for one last survey of the meadow before the twilight goes. “That’s good. Keep that up, just like that. Hey there, songbird,” he drawls at you, “you know any Hank Williams?”

Rather than turn to him with a smile, you give it to the meadow, but let him hear it in your voice. “Do I? My dad grew up in Montana in the 50s and 60s. What do you think I was raised on?”

“Well go on then. You should know this one.”

Now that you’re truly listening and realize the chords he’s been working her through, you certainly do.

Ellie must have told him how you like to sing out here. So you do.

“Hear that lonesome whippoorwill, He sounds too blue to fly. The midnight train is whining low, I'm so lonesome I could cry.”

Joel encourages Ellie to keep going, and to add a B7 in at the end. “Go on,” he prompts to you when you turn around, smiling blithely as his two girls make him a pretty song to listen to.

“I've never seen a night so long When time goes crawling by. The moon just went behind the clouds To hide its face and cry.

“Did you ever see a robin weep When leaves begin to die? That means he's lost the will to live; I'm so lonesome I could cry.”

“The next verse is the last one, so play her out on some single rising notes and hit the final chord.”

Ellie bites her bottom lip and nods, taking the cue, but she doesn’t need to look at her hands anymore as she’s getting the hang of it, and instead smiles as you take on her favorite subject.

“The silence of a falling star Lights up a purple sky, And as I wonder where you are… I'm so lonesome I could cry.”

Her outro could use a little work, but it suffices and you give her due applause. “How are those fingers doing?”

She takes stock of her hands. “Look. Calluses.”

“You’ve got some work to do before you can call those welts calluses,” Joel teases.

“Well, I think she’s earned a treat. I didn’t bring those out here for you to hoard ‘em.”

Ellie balances the guitar against the arm rest and Joel hands over the plate, stealing a cherry and popping it into his mouth. Bringing her feet up, Ellie rests the plate on her knees and settles against Joel’s shoulder, smiling, content, proud of her progress, eating her reward and watching the night come on.

It’s such an intimate father-daughter scene that you’re about to go indoors and let them enjoy the view together. But then Joel moves his foot slightly as if to block your path. Catches your eye. Drapes his free arm over the back of the sofa and glances pointedly at his free shoulder, then back at you with a jerk of his head as if to say, You too, get in here, this one’s yours.

You do not have to be told twice.

Settling in with a long sigh, you don’t pay much attention as Ellie starts recounting everything she knows and doesn’t know about the first moon landing. You’re more interested in the way your cheek fits into Joel’s shoulder, and how his arm lays heavy and warm over yours, how his chest rumbles when he answers Ellie’s questions and laughs at her sass. How the shadows spill over the butte and pull through everything until they are everything.

And you notice how the moonlight reflects off the plate in Ellie’s hand, off the tuning keys of the guitar…and yet…it’s missing in one place it should be.

Joel’s wrists are bare.

Joel is laughing. And his wrists are bare.

________

Picking up his watch where it’s been living on the little table all week, you pack it into Joel’s knapsack on the last morning before heading out.

“Goldie’ll be here soon. You see Joel come back from the rounds yet?”

Ellie shakes her head as she’s packing her bag. “Nope. Went out an hour or two ago. You want me to go get him?”

Taking his bag and your own to the balcony, you throw them over the side to the forest floor below. “I’ll go. Been on my ass all week. I could use the walk.” You hand her the walkie on the way out, trusting her to take the incoming hail.

Fastest way to find someone on rounds is to walk the opposite direction, so you head south to the stream.

You don’t have to go far.

A group of sheep have gathered in the grass halfway between the Roost and the water, lazing peacefully as if gathered for a little tea party, and you can guess what they’re all discussing.

There, in the middle of their protective huddle, is the man you’ve been waiting for all this time; shoes off, one arm slung above his head, asleep in the sun and the warm, fragrant grass, as if he grabbed your description of the meadow and ran with it, needing the nap of a lifetime.

At first you keep your distance, not wanting to startle him. But then you realize that it might take more than your approach and a couple soft bleats from a lamb to wake him.

Especially with his good ear turned to the ground like that.

Safe. Warm. Content.

Goldie will be coming soon, but you’ll be able to see her from here. No need to wake him yet.

There’s time enough to just sit and shade his face from the sun, watch the steady rise and fall of his hand on his belly, and whisper a little prayer of thanks to the earth and wind and sky–hell, even to the sheep–that Joel and Ellie found their way to Jackson.

And that you found your way to them.

Good. Everyone's got a good reason to keep going then.

________

Lyrics from "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" by Hank Williams

PREVIOUS: SPRING

NEXT: AUTUMN

MASTERLIST

SERIES MASTERLIST

(artwork by @stealyourblorbos)

#leave off your wandering #tlou fanfic #the last of us #the last of us fanfic #joel miller x reader #joel miller x f!reader #joel miller x meadowlark

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brabblesblog · 4 months

Text

Ch 14: For love is strong as death; jealousy is cruel as the grave

Astarion has ascended, and she has stayed with him. Life in the Crimson Palace isn’t as idyllic as it seems. Is there a chance for their relationship to go back to how it was? Or is it too late for the Ascendant and his consort?

This series is about Ban, my Tav, and the Vampire Ascendant. Will be angst and smut, with sprinkles of fluff.

This fic is a softer take on Ascendant!Astarion and of the changes he undergoes after the rite. Can Ban handle the change, and if a chance came, would she choose to run? And can the Ascendant win her back in time? Inspired by the concept of vampire wives and that IGN interview with Larian that discussed the ascension.

Professionally edited by @editing-by-night

The rescue attempt goes off with some hitches.

Read on AO3.

Masterlist.

The morning light was streaming through the window when Astarion looked up to see Gale walk into the room. His tressym followed, fixing Astarion with a stare that felt a little too penetrating for what was, in his not-so-humble opinion, essentially a glorified cat.

“Are you ready?” Gale asked, leaning on his staff.

“Indeed.” Astarion’s tone was surly, an attempt to mask his weariness. He had maintained the mental link with Ban until she had fallen asleep. Even now a part of him cradled her mind, soothing her through the worst of the torment.

Astarion belatedly realized that he was not only exhausted, he was hungry and having difficulty concentrating. He’d only had one meal since arriving in Waterdeep, and between maintaining the mental link for so long and his state of stress, the lack of sleep and blood was noticeable. Today, he was especially glad that the sanguine hunger no longer tormented him, but blood helped him maintain his strength, kept his mind clear, and gave him energy. Energy he desperately could have used today. Grumbling, he picked up Woe.

“Do you need me to reiterate the-”

“Gods, Gale. Do you think me so stupid I can’t remember your frankly rudimentary plan?” Astarion waved a hand dismissively. “Let’s just go.”

Gale exhaled. “Here.” He stepped forward, holding out a small pouch.

Astarion hesitated before gingerly accepting the proffered bag with some suspicion.

“Healing potions. I prepared two. One for her, one for… potential mishaps.”

Astarion tucked the pouch away. “Thank you.” The words came out in an awkward drawl, his discomfort in expressing gratitude obvious.

The tressym kept staring at Astarion; he glanced down at it, fidgeting under its piercing gaze. “If your claws and teeth matched the enormity of your judgment, cat, then I’d perhaps be interested to hear what you have to say.”

“Tara,” Gale chided gently, though he wasn’t surprised she disapproved of the Ascendant. Gale had told her everything; she was fond of Ban and she’d rather liked when Ban had stayed with them.

She fixed Gale with a long, hard stare before turning to leave, flicking her tail haughtily as she went.

“Sorry,” Gale shrugged.

Astarion didn’t deign to answer, although he was privately rather affronted by her judgment. Damned cat.

Gale led Astarion through Waterdeep, heading for the Stedez mansion. It was far smaller than the Crimson Palace, though no less imposing. Astarion stayed a few steps behind him, mind still connected to Ban’s. As they approached the mansion, she kept slipping in and out of consciousness. He could see through her eyes each time she awoke, the visions merely feeding his rage.

“They should be asleep,” Gale mused. In theory, it would be easy to sneak in undetected, free Ban, and slip back out. But he wasn’t sure if Astarion was willing to let this affront go unpunished. He wasn’t sure if he was willing to let it go, either.

“Well if they aren’t,” Astarion hissed, his eyes glinting with a devilish glee that bordered on madness. “All the better.”

Gale stood in front of the large door of the Stedez mansion, steeling himself before knocking. He was disguised as an elf. Astarion hid nearby, invisible. All part of the plan, and yet Gale couldn’t help but feel apprehensive. It had been more than half a year since he had done anything remotely close to this, and he wondered if he was still capable. These days he was a professor, not a warrior, his life revolving around his students and books.

And sometimes Ban, he thought ruefully. The time she’d spent in his tower had been special.

Gale turned his attention back to the matter at hand as the door creaked open.

A tall, scantily clad servant eyed Gale curiously. Just like Cazador, Vel Stedez’s public persona was that of an affluent, if eccentric, nobleman. As such, the mansion rarely received visitors.

“Greetings,” the servant said, “You seem… lost. What can I do for you?”

“Is this not Saer Vel Stedez’s abode?” Gale offered his most winsome smile. “I’m here on behalf of the Blackstaff Academy. Saer Vel and I have corresponded about his most generous donation, for which the Academy is very grateful. In fact,” Gale held up an index finger, “I am here today to discuss a ball the Academy wishes to host in his honor!”

The servant hesitated. No instructions regarding visitors had been given today, but her vain master would most certainly want to hear about this. Gale noticed her moment of indecision and pressed his advantage, stepping forward so the servant was forced to open the door far enough for Astarion to very carefully slip inside, a small whisper of air the only sign of his movement.

“I- of course, saer,” the servant conceded. She beckoned Gale in, and he stepped over the threshold, shivering involuntarily at the chilly temperature inside the manse.

Gale noted that the house was eerily reminiscent of Cazador’s - and Astarion’s - iterations of the Szarr Mansion.

Dark marble floors and mahogany walls lent a sense of ominousness, thick curtains blocking out any sunshine that threatened to shine through. The air was stale, cold and tomblike, as if the mansion was frozen in time.

Astarion noticed the similarities too, stifling a snort. At least our marble is white. That had been Ban’s idea. The thought caused a pang of worry; he pushed it away quickly. Moving past Gale and the servant, he headed deeper into the mansion, taking the first set of stairs he found leading down.

Meanwhile, Gale let the servant lead him to a study.

“Saer…” the servant began, fishing for his name.

“Er. Dammon,” Gale said, cursing himself for not thinking up a name ahead of time.

“Saer Dammon,” the servant continued. “Kindly wait here while I inform the master of your arrival.”

The prospect of meeting the vampire lord alone made Gale a bit anxious, but he nodded. It was a possibility he hadn't wanted to contemplate too closely when they had planned this, but if all hell broke loose he knew he would be able to handle one vampire.

He hoped Astarion got to Ban fast.

The dungeon smelled putrid, like sewers and rust and congealed blood-

The iron-rich scent gave Astarion a longing for blood - a now-unfamiliar craving, all but forgotten after all this time. It caught him by surprise. He hadn’t hungered for blood, not since the rite, but the smell of it reminded him of just how exhausted he was. Some blood would be the perfect thing to perk him up. He sighed, shaking his head, and pushed on.

The dungeons were unguarded, just as Gale had surmised. After all, Vel’s coven lacked crucial information: the Ascendant didn’t need to be invited in to enter a domicile.

His eyes scanned the dimly lit dungeon, searching for Ban. He spotted her in the furthest cell and rushed forward with preternatural speed. As he reached the cell, Gale’s concentration broke; Astarion’s hands and body became visible again.

Ban? He tried to nudge her mind, and felt her stir.

The sight of her chained to the damp wall, her body sagging onto the filthy floor, broke his heart. Ban was mostly unharmed, though those cruel silver manacles had severely burned her wrists. He’d seen more than his fair share of torture, of course, but seeing it done to her brought forth a wave of indignation so strong it instantly became wrath.

How dare they. I will burn this entire mansion and everyone in it to ash for this.

He pulled out his tools, nimble hands working at the lock of the cell door, but it took longer to pick than it should have, owing to his trembling fingers.

Astarion heard a satisfying click and pushed the door open. Ban’s eyes opened and took a moment to focus, finally settling on him. He rushed forward, wrapping his arms around her tightly.

“You’re okay. I’m here. I’ve got you.”

I’ve got you. Words he’d spoken before she’d told him she loved him for the very first time. Words she’d told him the night before the rite. Always meant, always realized.

Ban merely nodded in response, slumping tiredly into Astarion’s arms. The movement caused her wrists to drag against the manacles and she gasped. He looked up at them, frowning, assessing the locks.

“Let me get you out.”

He reached for the first manacle, fingers moving across the surface of the silver. It made his skin sizzle, his fingertips burning where they made contact. The pain was sharp, but pain wasn’t new to him; he ignored it. He quickly worked one manacle open, then the other.

Ban’s hands fell to her sides; they'd gone numb after being held up for so long. Astarion firmly rubbed her arms to encourage blood flow, avoiding the burned parts of her wrists.

“Ban.” When she didn’t respond immediately, concern flooded him. He tapped her face hoping to rouse her, to no avail. Reaching into the pouch Gale had provided, he took out a flask and uncapped it. “Drink,” he urged, his eyes locked on her as she complied.

He gave her another once-over, noting that her complexion looked better. But not enough so. He fingered the cap of the remaining potion, debating. He could have her drink it now, but what if she needed it later? She could barely move, but he couldn’t risk using their last potion yet.

Determined, he reached a decision.

Ban watched with dazed eyes as Astarion lowered himself to her, cradling her head and tilting his head to bare his neck, a gesture that needed no words.

She obliged, fangs sinking into the scars Cazador had made centuries ago. She drank ravenously, her instincts taking over.

Astarion felt the icy numbness begin; the tips of his ears and his fingers started to grow numb. In spite of the situation, he felt a flood of contentment fill him. Ban had so rarely bitten him that even in this filthy dungeon, the joy of nourishing her was immense. Exhausted as he was, though, it didn’t take long for his vision to start to blur and his heart to flutter. He lifted a hand to her shoulder, a gentle reminder to stop.

The memory of the first time he bit her came to him unbidden; he couldn’t help the small smile that crossed his face.

Ban immediately stilled at the touch, pulling her fangs out of his flesh. After a light swipe of her thumb to clean up, she leaned back.

“Sorry. I jus-” She looked down at her shirt, at the tear where the stake had been shoved in. “I still can’t believe I’m alive…”

Astarion felt only relief suffusing his being. He cupped Ban’s cheek and leaned in. The urge to kiss her was overwhelming, but he hesitated. We don’t have the luxury of time.

“Let’s go,” he said, “It’s daytime. Most of them should be asleep.”

Ban followed Astarion out of the cell, but paused as his words sunk in - most?

“You said ‘most’.”

He sighed. “Yes. Unfortunately I suspect the master of the house to be awake.” Gale’s plan, after all, had hinged on it. He explained the plan to Ban, retrieving Woe from where he’d dropped it in his rush to free her.

“You expected Gale to - to distract Vel?” Ban was incredulous. Gale, really?

“Well- who else? Would you rather it be me doing the talking while Gale snuck around?”

She conceded the point. Gale had always been atrocious at stealth.

“So we have to kill Vel.” Ban spied a chest near the entrance of the dungeon; she opened it to reveal her pack and her sword. She dug through the pack, tossing out various unneeded items, then slung the now-lighter pack over her shoulder. She kept her sword in hand.

“I’m not displeased by the notion?” Astarion smirked. “But I didn’t exactly promise Gale I’d save him either, you know.”

“Ass.” She tried to smack his arm but he dodged it easily, his laughter pealing a little too loudly for the situation they were currently in. “If anything, you should be thanking Gale for coming with you.”

The laughter died and Astarion turned solemn. “He’s here for you. If he had his way I would be staked somewhere and you’d be in his arms.”

“Perhaps.” Ban shrugged. She looked at her husband, noting the taut expression and the tense set of his shoulders. “Problem?”

He took a moment to answer, gathering his thoughts. “I’m… envious of how easy it is for him to get you to confide in him. How easily you confide in all of them.” To trust them.

Astarion knew that Ban loved him the most; he did not doubt that at all. But did she truly trust him? It wasn’t something that would return without work from the both of them, he was perfectly aware, and yet the feeling was there. Jealousy, poisonous and foul and always lurking in his chest.

Before Ban could assuage his fears, they were back at the entrance hall.

“Do you know where-”

The question died in Ban’s throat. There was a disturbance in one of the rooms, going by the sounds emanating from it. They both rushed forward; Ban shouted for Gale, trying to ascertain his current state. Once again, Astarion found himself resenting the wizard.

The door was ajar; Ban rushed in to see an elf being held down by Enxisys and Miaxisys. The elf looked up at her, and she realized it was Gale. He was on his knees, his staff on the ground in front of him.

Astarion, right on Ban’s tail, halted for a different reason. Enxisys and Miaxisys were holding onto Gale, but their gazes were fixed on Astarion, numb expressions entirely too familiar. It brought forth a wave of memories, recollections that he had been pushing away - hiding from - since the rite. He forced them down as best he could, focusing on Vel and the situation at hand, but he wasn’t wholly successful.

“Look who decided to join us, hm?” Vel said, rounding on Ban. She immediately leveled her sword at his chest.

“Not another step,” Ban growled.

Vel laughed, raising his hand, Rhapsody in his grasp. “See, I knew the wizard would come to save you,” he said, pointing the dagger at the disguised Gale. “What I didn’t expect-”

Four more of Vel’s spawn came in behind Ban and Astarion as their master spoke, blocking their retreat.

“-was you, Ascendant.” The words were spat out, the contempt unmistakable.

“If you thought I wouldn’t come for her-“

“Oh, no! I know you’d come, eventually.” Vel snapped his fingers and the four vampires blocking the door closed the distance, crowding Ban and Astarion from behind. “That was the whole point.” He waved his hand indifferently.

“But I honestly expected you to make someone else do the grunt work first. I didn’t consider the fact that you might be able to… circumvent… some of our kind’s more peculiar quirks.”

“You know perfectly well I am stronger than you could ever hope to be, and yet you didn’t consider the possibility that I could enter your home uninvited as well?” He laughed without humor. “I can circumvent whatever the hells I damn well please, Vel. That includes your miserable existence.” He took a step towards Vel. Immediately the four spawn reacted, surrounding Astarion.

Ban weighed the situation. Seven vampires - well, six spawn and a vampire lord - against Gale, Astarion, and herself. Manageable, but not without risk. Especially with Gale held down and Astarion having given her so much of his blood. She would have laughed if it wasn’t such an ill-timed moment.

Rapidly, she reached a conclusion. She squared her shoulders and shot Gale a meaningful look.

Get ready.

Almost imperceptibly, Gale nodded.

The three of them glanced at each other, the long months of fighting as a unit resurfacing with ease. Everyone braced.

It all happened in an instant.

Ban dropped her pack and activated giant form, greatsword rising as though to cut Vel down. She knew she would miss - and indeed, as she swung Vel dodged effortlessly - but it was enough to draw Enxisys’ and Miaxisys’ attention. Their grip on Gale eased as they hesitated, torn between their obligation to protect their master and holding Gale down.

It was all Gale needed. He rose, Markoheshkir in hand, and called lightning. It struck the twins, Vel, and one of the four spawn near Astarion. The spawn did not get up.

Astarion seized the opportunity, turning to one of the remaining spawn and blighting him. The spawn crumpled, meeting his second death.

Ban raised her arms for another strike at Vel, the arc of her sword cut short when a blur of motion passed in front of her. Astarion lunged at Vel with inhuman speed, pinning him to the ground and shoving his fist into Vel’s mouth.

He turned to Ban with a pained expression. Astarion had seen the way Vel’s spawn had looked at their master; had known that look.

“Wait!” he panted. Vel was thrashing and biting, but the Ascendant was unaffected, holding him down without effort, his other hand pinning down the arm holding Rhapsody.

The four surviving spawn froze, unsure. If they made a move, they would be overwhelmed by the wizard and the consort. If they didn’t, and their master survived, he would punish them for it…

“Ban.” Astarion’s pained expression deepened into anguish. “Let them do it. Let them do what I should have done.”

“Can they? Won’t he compel them not to hurt him?”

“Not if we cut out his tongue,” Astarion’s voice was severe, rough with emotion.

Belatedly, Ban and Gale realized why Astarion had his fist in Vel’s mouth. Ban nodded, stepping on Vel’s weapon hand so Astarion could let go. Gale picked up Woe from where Astarion had dropped it, his face somber.

Astarion pried Rhapsody from Vel’s hand. He pulled Vel’s offensive tongue from his mouth and severed it with one quick slice, tossing it to the side. Vel’s wordless screams should have been satisfying. But he felt no joy - only a pang of regret, of shame. Rhapsody fell from his grasp just as swiftly as he’d used it. The last time I cut someone with that dagger… He shuddered at the memory.

This should have been how it went for me. With his friends present and his siblings at his side, working together to end their master’s life.

Astarion pulled away from Vel’s face to kneel beside him, holding his chest down, breathing hard. He turned to the spawn. They stared at him, still uncertain.

“Go on,” he urged, “Take what should be yours. What should have always been yours. Your freedom awaits.”

Freedom. He offered Ban a sad smile.

It should have always been yours as well, my love.

Ban’s response was a small, sad smile and a flood of warmth through their connection.

Vel’s spawn seemed to be recovering from the shock. They approached one another, quietly discussing Astarion’s offer amongst themselves. One of the spawn, the drow male who had helped abduct Ban, murmured an apology to her.

But neither Ban nor Astarion noticed. The only thing they saw was each other, eyes locked as they shared their emotions through their bond. Astarion’s mind was in turmoil, a dark maelstrom of conflicting, stormy thoughts that threatened to envelop him. Endless waves of rage, fear, regret, shame, and sadness were swirling, building upon the other until they were very close to overwhelming him. Ban could feel that he was on the verge of panicking.

She quickly sheathed her sword and approached Astarion, offering him a hand up, pulling him into an embrace.

Astarion let Ban pull him up and into a hug, squeezing her as tightly as she held him. He wanted to sob, to finally say I did the right thing, but he knew it was too late for him. He’d hurt her, he’d murdered his siblings, he’d driven away his friends and sacrificed all seven thousand of those poor souls.

But as Ban had drawn him up, she had turned her back on Vel. Had lifted her boot from his wrist. Had caused Astarion to let him go.

Movement over Ban’s shoulder drew Astarion’s attention. He saw Vel rise lightning-fast, Rhapsody in hand, poised for a strike, blade already arching down towards Ban’s back.

If I can be enough for only one thing, I hope it will be saving her.

With every ounce of strength he could muster, Astarion shoved Ban to the side. He felt a flash of relief as she was flung across the room, out of range of Vel’s swing.

As it had sunk into his former master’s back, Rhapsody sank into Astarion’s breast.

Into his heart.

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concerningwolves · 9 months

Note

Hey! Do you have any tips for breaking writers block when you're adhd and/or autistic? Be it your own tips or a link to another post? My friend and I need help haha

Ahh sorry you got buried under spam and old ask game asks. (I... really need to sort my ask box >.<' ). But here we go, a month late, and hopefully better late than never:

Quick ideas for beating writer's block when autistic and/or ADHD

I've got this old post I wrote on writer's block and focus troubles. Ironically, this was before my autism diagnosis but the tips still happen to be things I, an autistic person, did to manage writing when faced with executive dysfunction (except I didn't know what executive dysfunction was at that point lol). I'm linking this with one important caveat, though: if you have ADHD, "stepping away" might do more harm than good; struggling to start tasks is a Big Thing with ADHD, so not starting the task at all is entirely counterproductive. (Unless you're in burnout! Here's a post about the differences between block and burnout with some ideas on what to do for each, in case that's at all helpful to you).

And here's something yoinked from another old ask-answer:

sometimes a break from more “serious” writing is what you need. Maybe try and take the characters from your main project and drop them somewhere else for the hell of it. I like to throw my characters into the MCU without warning like “lmao have fun in a strange modern world where there are gods and a guy in an iron flying suit bye.” Or, if fandom cross-overs aren’t your thing, find a writing prompt or take an idea you like and use it to form a short story with your characters instead.

Some other ideas I've seen around for writer's block with ADHD/Autism are:

Try voice recording or text to speech (i.e., absolute stream-of-consciousness unfiltered brain-to-mouth, giving yourself permission to 100% bullshit if you like, and see what rattles loose in the brain box)

Stream of consciousness writing in general, not even necessarily about a particular prompt or particular project. This one can be done in combination with:

Writing sprints! One minute timers, two minute timers, five minutes – set it for as long as you want, but when you're fighting executive dysfunction and/or difficulty focusing, the burst of urgency that comes from a shorter timer is very helpful.

And speaking of the sense of urgency: gamify your writing! There are different ways to do this, with varying elements of risk. I'll link some ways to do this at the end under "resources".

Exercise. I don't necessarily mean hitting the gym, but a quick burst of exercise prior to writing to get the heart rate up can help wake your brain up a bit. (Or, if you find repetitive exercise mind-numbingly boring like I do, the writing sure does start to look appealing lol).

Meditation. Okay, this one is sort of 🤔 for me, because I do often hear from fellow autistics and our ADHD cousins that meditation is literally impossible for us. It is for me. But! Like with exercise above, if meditation bores you instead of helping relax and ""clear your mind"", you can probably use that boredom to your advantage. Or, it might work as intended.

Change your workspace/situation/routine. Sometimes the problem is that you need new sensory input, or that your brain has gotten thoroughly bored and decided not to tell you. Use a different chair. Move to the kitchen table. Write at a different time of day. Have a different snack (or try having a snack while writing...). Basically, look at what you're currently trying, and see how you can do it differently.

It's also really good practise to get comfortable with Being Bad At Writing. Perfectionism and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria are the biggest, meanest brain weasels with the sharpest teeth. Don't let them bully you. It sucks. It takes a lot of time and effort and internal work, which is why I was loathe to include this on a post of quick solutions, but. It is important.

And getting comfortable with this doesn't necessarily mean learning how to accept critique, or accepting that sometimes you'll write things that suck. It means accepting that sometimes you won't handle critique or feedback well, and also accepting that you won't always manage to beat the writer's block or be productive. Sometimes you have to make peace with the fact that you're going to feel horrible, feel your feelings, and try to remind yourself on the other side that none of it means you're a talentless hack.

Resources

Anything with a 🪙 next to it is paid only (I've tried to limit these and find alternatives).

The resources are split into things that "gameify" writing (i.e., hack your dopamine/serotonin in ways that reaaaaallly help autistic and ADHD folks), writing programs that are designed to help you focus, writing programs that track your habits and appeal to the "ohhhh numbers going up" brain, focus-aiding apps, and some miscellaneous stuff. Under the cut to save your dashes.

"Gamifying" your writing:

The Most Dangerous Writing App – You can't stop typing before your set timer runs out, or you risk losing your work. Excellent for warming up, stream-of-consciousness, or if you're feeling reckless, working on your actual project. I did a lot of the second draft of When Dealing with Wolves on this thing (it was terrifying yet highly effective).

Written? Kitten! – Get rewarded for meeting your set writing wordcount with kitten pictures. Haven't used this one personally, but heard wonderful things about it.

4TheWords 🪙 – This one gamifies writing in the most literal sense. As in, it's an online game where you defeat monsters, explore and level up by writing words. I did the free trial a couple years back, and I've heard there are a lot of different ways you can lower the subscription cost. The only reason I haven't gone back to it is because I feel like I can't justify spending money on it when I'm doing fine with Scrivener and free resources, but maybe one day I will purely for the fun factor...

StimuWrite – similar idea to Written Kitten; the app provides visual/audio stimulation while you write, which is great for many ADHD-ers and autistics. There's a progress bar, soundscape options, typing effects and emoji reactions as rewards, among other features.

Write or Die – This is The Most Dangerous Writing App meets Written Kitten. As far as I can figure out, the basic web version is free to use; you can set the parameters like how how long you want to write for, how many words to reach, and whether you want rewards for meeting goals or punishments for failing to meet them. There's also a stimulus mode, where the nice auditory stimulus goes away if you stop writing.

Minimalist/Focus writing programs:

Focus Writer [Windows] – thoroughly stripped-down minimalist word processor. As far as I know, it has basic functions like find-replace, but mostly it's designed only for writing. Not for formatting, spellchecking or editing.

iA Writer 🪙 [iOS] – Similar to Focus Writer, it's designed to fill your screen with a simple workspace. Allows you to use markdown formatting, and has a feature called Focus Mode that blurs out everything except the sentence you're typing. (If I could find a Windows-friendly alternative to this with that same feature I would be so happy). A cheaper alternative is 1Writer, but that doesn't have the focus mode.

Typewrite Something – Absolutely bare minimum web-based typewriter simulator. Basically just a blank screen that you start typing on, and the words appear in a typewriter font. Great for stream-of-consciousness without the risk level of TMDWA because you can't backspace. If you don't like the clacky sound, turn off your volume.

Focus Apps

Cold Turkey – Block applications and websites on your laptop/computer for a specified period of time. You can even block the entire internet.

Forest – Similar to Cold Turkey in that it stops you from seeking distractions or getting distracted. Set a timer and the app starts growing a tree. If you leave the app, the tree dies. Once you have a tree, you add it to your forest.

Habit-building writing programs:

Novlr – Simple, minimal layout, and tracks your writing goals per month and day, and your daily streak. There are more features in the plus and pro versions, and you can only have five projects in the free version, but otherwise it looks like a good free alternative to the next two programs:

750 Words 🪙 – Made for free writing, but also very useful for drafting. I had it for a month or so a while back on the free trial. It tracks writing streaks and gives you fun graphs and statistics at the end of each session, including number of distractions, actual typing time vs total time and average words per minute. Also, it analyses the mood of what you wrote, which I always found delightful.

Writing Analytics 🪙 – If writing streaks, badges and analytical graphs get your dopamine going, then I really recommend this one. The writing screen itself is very minimalistic, but it still shows your writing speed (I loved watching that go up) and your goal progress. In terms of analytics, it tracks a LOT of different things, including time spent writing vs revising, average wordcounts per day/month/year, and words written vs words deleted. I used this for about a year before I switched to Scrivener, and the switch was purely because I needed something that wasn't subscription-based. (Apparently since I stopped using it there's also a new feature that lets you create private writing rooms and see other writer's progress).

Misc.

WriteTrack – Not a word processor, but it has very good tools for tracking and planning your writing. Again, if graphs going up helps your brain, this is excellent, but you can't see it in real time.

10 ADHD-friendly brain tricks for writers – what it says on the tin: ten tips for writers with ADHD; I'm particularly fond of "Put away one knife", which breaks the nebulous task of "start writing" into something really simple like just... pull out your desk chair.

#autism stuff #adhd #writer's block #writing advice #writing resources

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ghelgheli · 11 days

Note

i love your thoughtful posts and your patience in answering questions, was wondering if you had read transgender marxism and if so what did you think of it? ty!

thank you 💖💖

i put off answering this ask specifically to read transgender marxism. i hadn't realized, going in, that it was an anthology of essays rather than a book with a single thesis and thread. having worked through them all i have to say... i was underwhelmed.

a few of the essays (e.g. queer workerism against work and seizing the means) read as restatements, using assorted theoretical widgets, of the rote fact that aspiration toward class consciousness and proletarian revolution demands that we organize with a consciousness of transness. true! moving on.

a few others (trans work employment trajectories, notes from brazil, dialogue on deleuze) felt like re-presentations of known knowns and (sorry!) kind of pedestrian to work thru.

several of the later essays (and especially the afterword, which as far as i could tell misrepresented at least JGP in histories of the transgender child and possibly even metabolic rift) bored me near to tears and were difficult to distinguish from the wordplay of theorizing purely in the realm of ideas. i'm pretty sure i think "‘Why Are We Like This?’: The Primacy of Transsexuality" by xandra metcalfe is just wrong and plays into racialist constructions of the plasticity of the subject while trying to construct an image of liberation.

that said, I had some favourites that i would recommend:

Encounters in Lancaster by JN Hoad. i posted an excerpt of this one recently. the analogies to atomism, the conception of the aleatrix, the image of heterosexuality as the swerving stream that sweeps us up in its currents—i thought it was beautiful and sharp.

The Bridge Between Gender and Organising by Farah Thompson. also posted an excerpt of this one. just a good autobiographical account with clear upshots of one subjectivity of organizing for a Black trans woman

A Queer Marxist Transfeminism: Queer and Trans Social Reproduction by Nat Raha. this is a critical recommendation (i think there is a classic overuse/misapplication of "femme" thru the text) but the concept of "gender labour" (not gendered labour!) and of the transfeminine subject as being relegated to the lowest, informal and unwaged rung of performing this labour in service of gender maintenance is something that will stay with me

i also enjoyed Transgender and Disabled Bodies: Between Pain and the Imaginary by Zoe Belinsky. don't have too much to say about this one. here's an excerpt tho: "The organism creates her own foundation: she continually creates the being of her own species – the condition for creating the ‘I can’. She continually creates her capacity to create that species-being and the ‘I can’. She does this through the collective labour of organisms labouring in common, in order to coordinate themselves as sensory parts in a higher organism. The labourers must move from particularity to generality in order to establish the general horizon of transformative possibilities: the inorganic body – institutions, tools of culture – that support the creative capacity of the human body."

#ask answer #transgender marxism #ty for asking!

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dreamingofep · 7 months

Text

Sinned Awakening pt. 11 🩸

An AU Elvis fic

(Vampire!Elvis/Vampire Austin!Elvis × reader)

Character/Fandom: Elvis - Elvis (2022)

Request: No

Prompt: Getting promoted to be Elvis full time housekeeper, you realize the man holds secrets beyond belief and your undeniable attraction makes you fear the unknown. [Fem!Reader]

TW: Cussing, tension, angst, mentions of blood/gore 🩸

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 3.8K

A/N: Hello everyone!

Welcome to part 11! I couldn't stop writing these last few days and needed to share with you all what happens next🤭 It's a bit shorter but I wanted to break up this part up accordingly. I love this pic of him here and the red glare makes me giggle.

A reminder, this is Vampire!Elvis so there is going to be mentions of blood/gore from here on out. If that's not your thing, sorry but it's needed for the story.

If you'd like to start from the begining, start here 🩸

I hope you enjoy and message and comment what you think!🖤

The crunch of leaves under your feet breaks the stillness of the forest. The wind whistles through the trees and brings a slight shiver to you but you don’t mind. The trees break away and a sparse area comes into view. There you see a lone white piano in the middle of the clearing and you grow curious.

You walk closer to it and that’s when you can hear it playing music with no accompaniment. It’s a familiar tune but you can’t seem to remember the name. The song becomes louder and you look around for any other people around. The wind picks up and you bring your arms up to your chest, hugging them tightly as the temperature begins to drop.

The notes on the piano become distorted and jumbled no longer the melodious sounds a moment ago. You hear a whisper behind you and snap your body in the direction of the sound, not seeing anything though. You look back at the piano and the keys are slamming down violently, blood starting to come streaming out of the keyboard and the top board.

You stumble backward, frightened at the sight before you. The blood keeps flowing and reaches your feet, making you scream out in horror. As you’re retreating, your back hits something hard and you grunt at the feeling.

You turn around to see Elvis’ bright eyes stare down at you and grab onto your shoulders.

"Run." he growls.

You gasp as you pop open your eyes and revive back into consciousness. You grab at the bed sheets, unaware of where you are. Anna quickly comes rushing to your side and holds your hand.

“Woah, it’s okay, it’s okay. I’m right here,” she assures. “Are you okay?”

You’re not exactly sure how to answer that. The last few hours were a blur for you and you hardly remember getting to Anna’s apartment. You realize you’re in her bedroom with blankets covering your body.

Your body feels exhausted and soreness spreads along it when you try to move.

“Woah let’s take it easy. You took quite a fall,” she says softly.

“What time is it?” You grumble, rubbing your eyes.

“Uhh, one o clock. Honey, what happened? You scared the hell out of me and-and your neck…. What’s going on?” She asks concerned.

You put your hand over your neck and feel it’s been bandaged.

“I’m okay. I really can’t tell you about this but I’m fine,” you say referring to your neck.

“No, you’re not! You come in here bloody and collapse on my floor! When was the last time you slept?!” She presses.

You stay silent for a moment, trying to figure out when you did get a good night's sleep.

“Umm, a few days ago…” you say embarrassed.

Anna covers her eyes and worry shrouds her face.

“That’s not good! You need to take care of yourself. Does Elvis have something to do with this?” She accuses.

You look at the ceiling, frustrated with the entire situation.

It has everything to do with Elvis.

“It’s not about him. I just need some time and figure things out.”

Anna sighs, frustrated at how you’re deflecting everything. But it’s the only way you know how to. You sure as hell couldn’t tell her that he’s a Vampire and he lost control. It felt wrong to lie to your best friend but this was necessary. You knew you had to protect Elvis’ secret.

“Did you call out of work?” You ask.

“Yes of course I did, I was worried sick. I’m not going anywhere til you get better and rest,” she says firmly.

You nod in agreement, not in the mood to fight. She hands you a glass of water and you take a few sips.

“Can I take a shower to freshen up? I’ll be fine, I promise I feel a lot better,” you assure her.

“Yeah, I’ll grab you a towel from the closet,” she says before walking to the other room.

You shut the bathroom door behind you and flip on the light. There's a full-length mirror in front of you and you unwrap the blanket from yourself. You didn’t want to look at your body at first, you knew what you’d see.

You look anyway and see the welts that he sucked onto both of your breasts and the marks his hands left as he squeezed your hips tight riding him.

The more you look at the marks he left behind, the more you can see and feel how those talented hands felt on your body, making you ache for more from him. How he knew just where to touch you and make you feel things you’ve never experienced before. And that mouth of his, it must have been one of your favorite things about him. How it can turn you on with a kiss or eat you out like he was starving for it.

You snap yourself out of the memories surrounding him and turn on the shower, needing a distraction from your aimless thoughts of him. You’re about to step in when you realize you still have the bandage on your neck. You take a deep breath to rip it off quickly so it doesn’t hurt as much. You close your eyes and rip the bandage off in one swipe. The idea of how your neck looked terrified you, knowing it wasn’t going to be a pretty picture. You open your eyes anyway and assess the damage.

You furrow your eyebrows in confusion at what you see. The bruise has grown but the bite mark was visibly gone. You lean closer to the mirror to get a better look and swear you could be going crazy.

There wasn’t even a scab. He never told you how or if a bite from a vampire could heal so quickly. It scared you either way and you wanted answers. You knew that wasn’t going to happen any time soon with Elvis’ lack of control. But you honestly didn’t care. You needed to know.

You take your time in the shower and let the hot water run down your body. You had to figure out a time to see Elvis and see how he is. You’re sure he felt bad about what he did but there was a lot to talk about like the next steps to get out of your apartment and somewhere away from Daniel.

Everything that’s been going on with Elvis, it felt like part of you was stalling from fully moving out from Daniel’s. For a time, you thought you’d stay with Elvis and have him help you figure things out but now, a lot has changed. You found out the truth about him and you weren’t sure if he could handle you around him all the time.

But every part of you didn’t want to give up on him. There was no way you could leave him so broken and lonely. He tried so hard to be good. And it was all because of you. He found a reason to try and not be so ravenous. In a way, he made you see more clearly how awful Daniel treated you and how you do deserve better. You borrow some clothes from Anna but you know you need to go to your apartment and pack your stuff up. You also ask her for a scarf, not wanting her to stare at the huge bruise that's sitting there.

You join Anna in the living room and she starts fixing you lunch. She makes you a sandwich and you eat it quickly, not realizing how starving you were.

You small talk about things and she convinces you to go to a bar with her. She thought it would be a good idea to get your mind off things and honestly, she wasn’t wrong. A distraction was exactly what you needed.

Her phone suddenly rings and she walks over to answer it.

“Hello?” She says cheerfully. Her eyebrows suddenly furrow and she shakes her head.

“I’m sorry, who is this?”

She looks at you confused.

“It’s for you,” she whispers, taking the receiver off her ear and offering it to you.

You sit there in shock, not understanding what is going on as you haven’t given anyone Anna’s number to call you on. You take the phone from her and raise it to your ear.

“Hello?” You say unsure.

“Mr. Presley needs to see you,” the familiar voice grumbles.

“How did you get this number?” You snap.

“He will not be kept waiting, I suggest you hurry.” The click of the phone ends the call and you look up at Anna perplexed.

“I uh, can you take me to work?” You ask.

“What? Are you insane? No! You really want to go back there and see him?” She accuses.

“Please, I need to go. I’ll be fine I swear,” you assure her.

She huffs in protest, rubbing her temple and shaking her head at you, “let me get my shoes on,” she says frustrated.

You both get in the car and she drops you off in the back of the hotel. Something about it seemed so eerie. You couldn’t quite pinpoint it but deep down, you knew you should not be here. You know you should trust your instincts and stay in the car, but you open the car door anyway and hug Anna.

“Thank you. I’ll be okay and I’ll call you if I need you,” you say, squeezing her hand gently. She nods her head at you and gives you a quick smile.

You make your way through the locker room and up to the elevator. The amount of times this elevator has made you anxious is becoming too much of a regular occurrence.

You get to the penthouse floor and the elevator doors open. You’re scowled at by the same men in the hallway and quickly rush to the suite’s doors. The man standing in front of the door steps aside and opens the door for you. You cautiously step inside and see Elvis at the piano, his back turned away from you. A flashback from your nightmare earlier flashes in your mind and you squeeze your eyes shut to try and get that out of your memory. You continue to stand by the door as you hear it get shut behind you. He’s wearing a midnight blue shirt and black pants with his hair tussled out of place.

His fingers lightly press the keys, not making any particular music but aimlessly touching the key to distract himself from something. You don’t want to say anything, he called for you, not the other way around. You thought for a second he couldn’t stand the sight of you after what happened early this morning.

He turns his head slightly, his back still facing you, “come here,” he says shortly, his voice raspy.

You can feel your heartbeat grow louder and louder with each footstep you make closer to him. Your instincts told you to run away, there was danger here, but the other side of you knew there wasn’t. You had this unwavering trust in him, one you couldn’t quite explain. You knew there was good within him. He needed someone to help him see that. And you really think you might be able to do it.

You reach the side of him and stop there, waiting for him to say anything else. He’s wearing his sunglasses and is puffing on a cigar. You pinch yourself from staring at him for too long. He was always looking so tempting and your brain always threw the danger out the window when it came to being so close to him. He pulled you in every time even without trying. You notice how abnormally pale he looks today, sickly almost. It was pretty dark in the room so you weren’t sure if your eyes were seeing things.

“Thank you for coming… how do you feel?” He asks gently, still not looking at you.

“Fine.” You say shortly.

“Don’t lie to me.” He grumbles.

“I’m not, you don’t need to question me like that,” you snap.

He finally snaps his head to you, looking at you with hunger. Your heart leaps out of your chest as he looks at you, not making a move.

“I will do whatever I want.”

“What did you call me in here for?! I don’t think it was to berate me with stupid questions,” you scathe.

He stands up quickly and and points a finger at you.

“When are you going to learn to not speak to me like that?! I will not tolerate it,” he reprimands.

You stay silent, staring at him with a scowling stare.

“What. Did. You. Need.” You say again, “And how did you get Anna’s number?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m not that inconsiderate,” he growls.

“I’m fine, just a bit sore.” You quip.

He hums to himself lightly and circles you slowly, making you wary.

“I called you up here to let you know I won’t need your services for a while,” he explains.

You’re confused and shocked, this felt like he was firing you in a way?

“What? I don’t understand. I-I-I work solely for you. I have no other way of income,” you tell him not understanding what is happening.

“I’ll pay you still don’t worry,” he says shortly.

And then it hits you, his Vegas engagement is going to end soon. He won’t be back til the summer. You didn’t want to wait that long to not see him. You figured you were more to him than just some hook-up.

“Well, how long do you not want me to come by? You leave in a few weeks…” you trail off, not wanting the answer.

“I don’t know,” he says quietly.

You look at him annoyed, shocked he’s treating you like this.

“What do you mean?! Elvis, why does this feel like you’re just pushing me away?” You spat.

“Because I can’t stand to be around you! I can’t do it anymore y/n! Every time I am, I risk hurting you and losing control. Just like I did this morning. I’m not good for you,” he scowls.

Your heart races out of your chest and you look at him in disbelief. You feel the tears well in your eyes and wish you could wake up from such a bad dream.

“Elvis- you, you can’t do this. Not after everything you’ve said and done to me. I wanted to help you become better because I see it in you. But now I don’t know what to believe in anymore,” you snap at him.

“Don’t waste your time. It’s not worth it,” he says walking away from you and pacing the room in frustration.

“You haven’t let me even help you! Why do you always do this! You always block me out and wallow in self-pity. No wonder you’ve been so miserable all these years!” You yell at him.

You can see him fuming, looking at you like he could attack you at any moment.

“You better watch it,” he says through his teeth.

“So that’s it. You want me gone,” you say bluntly.

“Yes. I can’t hurt you again. I’ll never touch you again,” he says weakly, regret coming out of those words.

It feels like a punch in the gut. His words cut you like a knife and you felt like all of this was for nothing. The way he can just toss you aside like you are nothing. Your entire life felt like it was in shambles now with nothing going right. The men in your life have ruined it beyond comprehension and there was no clear exit route.

There suddenly comes a harsh knock on the door and makes you jump. Elvis quickly goes to answer it and opens the door.

“What is it Jerry,” he spat.

He looks down as he speaks to Elvis, “Sir your um… meal is waiting for you,” he says quietly but you can hear him loud and clear.

You stare craters into the back of Elvis’ head, fuming with anger.

“Your what.” You yell, feeling your cheeks redden.

In comes walking in a long-legged blonde, hair piled high and enough makeup on to cover you twice over. You realize this is the same girl from the party that was sitting on his lap. That’s why she looked so familiar. She looks at you and scoffs, putting her attention on Elvis and reaching up to kiss him. She makes a spectacle of it, making sure to press her body into his as much as she can to make you jealous and moan into his mouth.

You know he can hear your heart leaping out of your chest and you hope he can smell the rage that is boiling off of you. He looks at you for a brief moment, seeing the hurt on your face.

“Wait for me in the bedroom honey, “ he whispers in her ear.

She giggles and nods up at him, going to the bedroom before staring you down like you’re a piece of trash. You hear the click of the door behind you close and you rush up to Elvis, not giving a damn whether he can’t control himself around you.

“Are you fucking kidding me?! You couldn’t have waited an extra minute so I could leave?!” You yell, pounding your hands on his chest in anger. He doesn't move an inch as you try to push him and feel stupid for even trying to.

"I don't understand why you're so upset..." he scoffs.

"Are you kidding me?! Because I know what you're going to do to her in there! Did you forget I've walked in on you before! You're probably going fuck her and wish it was me!" you say spitefully. "But the only difference is you can compel her to forget it all so that makes her your dream girl doesn't it?" you rasped.

He looks down at you with regret on his face and you can tell he doesn’t like to see you like this. He doesn’t answer you, just keeps breathing shallowly. He looks down at you hungrily, smirking as he looks you once over.

"Hmm... maybe I will," he snarls.

“Why?! Why did you tell me that you wanted to change and then go around doing this! Falling back on your old ways because that’s what’s easy,” you snarl in his face. “I thought you had blood vials, I thought you’d feed from those,” you ask.

“They’re not enough,” he rasped.

“What- I’m not understanding I thought-.”

“You make me starved! Having tasted your blood makes everything else not enough! Nothing is fulfilling like yours! That’s why I need to feed from something… alive!” He yells, sending chills through you.

You couldn’t hide how this scared you. It took his possessiveness to a whole different level. You didn’t need to know much about vampires to know that this was not normal. You thought all blood was the same to him. But it seems he is ruined now and any blood won’t do.

You stand there trembling, unsure what to say.

“What does that mean-,” you ask and watch as he starts to walk away from you.

“I don't have time for this,” he bellows.

“Don’t walk away from me! I deserve answers!” You snap. “What happened to my neck?! What do you call this?” You ask as you pull the scarf off your neck and show him.

“What do you-,”

He doesn’t look right away until you step closer to him and he does a double take, furrowing his eyebrows together. His eyes grow large, shocked at what he is seeing.

You watch as he fights the urge to touch you, clenching his hands into fists on the side of him.

“I… I have no idea. I’d call it luck that I didn’t bite any deeper," he says menacingly, "I need you to leave now so you don’t also become my next meal,” he growls, heading for the door of his bedroom. He gives you one last look before entering, a look of astonishment and hurt.

You too make it quickly out of the suite doors and rush to the elevator. You feel sick to your stomach and wish you could actually talk to him and get the answers you need. You’ve never felt so low in your life. It was bad enough you saw Daniel be unfaithful to you but you never thought Elvis would do something like this to you. You truly believed it when he said how much he needed you in his life. That you weren’t just anyone to him.

You decide to not call Anna and just take a cab instead back to your apartment, you needed to pack your stuff up eventually and tonight seemed like the perfect night to do so. You feel like you lost all sense of direction in your life. Nothing made sense with or without Elvis in your life and you wanted to erase it all. In a way, you wish you could be compelled and forget all the memories you two had. But for whatever reason, you couldn’t and now you have to figure out a way to move on.

You get to the apartment and thankfully, Daniel isn’t home. The place looks disheveled but you don’t care, you just had to focus on your stuff so you don’t have to come back here.

You lock the bedroom door and get the suitcases down from the closet and start piling everything in, you didn’t care how much of a mess it was. You’re moving too fast and you stop to take a breath, feeling the tears fall from your eyes.

You realize you have nothing now. You’re completely on your own and have to start from scratch. It all scared you and made you regret some of the decisions you’ve made. You lay on the bed and let all the events that happened sink in. It’s time for a change and you were the one to make it. Maybe you should look for other jobs in the area. You had plenty of experience and you were sure that another hotel would hire you. The room feels like it’s spinning and you close your eyes, praying that this was all a bad dream.

You slowly wake up groggy, rubbing your eyes and trying to get your bearings. The sun was starting to come up and was lighting the room a bit. You look at the clock and it is four-thirty already. You decided to put your two weeks in today and start looking for another job, it was probably for the best. Getting as far away as possible from Elvis might be the best thing for you both.

You sit up in bed and feel a set of eyes on you coming from the side of the room. Your heart pounds away, not wanting to look because you know what you'll find You quickly look over anyway seeing Elvis standing there motionless.

“What are you doing here?” You say coldly.

“I told you, I can’t stay away from you,” he says weakly.

Tagging 🖤:

@powerofelvis @burninlovebutler @neptuneismysister @velvetelvis @ccab @presleyenterprise @elvispresleyxo @loving-elvis

@prompted-wordsmith @sillybookmarks @dkayfixates @rosepresley @ellie-24 @rktismylife-blog @myradiaz @tacozebra051 @thatbanditqueen

@18lkpeters @flwrs4aust @emma181873 @austinswhitewolf @eliseinmemphis @everythingelvispresley @chasingwildflowers @idontwanttoputanything @ohjustpeachy @elvisalltheway101 @austinsmutler @kingdomforapony @generoustreemystic @kendralavon7 @lettersfromvenus @claire-elvisgirl

@ashtag6887 @burnthheparaphilia @richardslady121 @jaqueline19997

@returntopresley @iloveelvis @rjmartin11 @that-hotdog @louisejoy86 @misspresley @cattcb @annapresley8 @arrolyn1114 @raginginkedslut

#elvisaaronpresley #elvis presley fanfiction #elvis presely smut #elvis presley imagine #elvis x reader #elvis x y/n #elvis x you #elvis x oc #elvis imagine #sinned awakening #70s elvis #samfangirls #elvis fans #au fic #elvis presley

100 notes · View notes

m1d-45 · 1 year

Note

Hi,um this is my first time so I'm sorry if the requests are close.So I read a few genshin sagau and what would happen if the reader get smaller if they don't receive love?Like,they turn younger and younger.And 1 of the character found them but instead if the so called imposter, they find a child?What would happen

Again,im sorry.If the requests are close,then pls ignore me.im more scared of getting a reply😭

the young

a/n: requests are open, don’t worry! personally, i don’t plan on ever properly ‘closing’ them, only delaying / putting them on second priority for whatever reason. thank you for sending in a request, and if this isn’t what you wanted, then feel free to ask again!

word count: ~1.3k

-> warnings: unedited stream of consciousness, but not much else! imposter au. slight mention of addiction, probably obsessive behavior / thoughts… rip to klee / diona / dori / sayu / qiqi mains. mad respect though.

-> lowercase intended!

taglist: @samarill || @thenyxsky

at first, you didn’t notice.

teyvat, in its loving kindness, had kept you safe after you’d been run out of the city. boars made sure nobody got too close, cranes kept watch, birds fluttered around your small campsite during the night. your loyal guard, always there, inhuman to some but a blessing to you. the people may not believe you, they may run you out and shout for your capture, but teyvat would always be there.

it would lower the boughs on trees as you mumbled about not being able to reach the fruit, it would send smaller companions as you jumped at the size of a crow, it would lead you to areas with smaller and smaller wildlife, all in the hopes that if it made you happy enough, you would stop shrinking.

when you did notice, you were afraid.

you were sitting on a rock, absentmindedly braiding wildflowers together. they seemed larger than usual in your palms, but so did everything else! your mind told you it was just because teyvat’s plants and animals were bigger than the ones in your world, but you didn’t really believe it.

a large raven carefully landed on the rock besides you, eyes peering at your creation. it was huge, the size of a puppy at least.

…a dog, you correct yourself. no puppy is that large.

the bird hops closer, talons clicking on the stone, beady eyes still watching the wildflowers in your hands. it’s large, unnervingly so, and you swallow before turning back to braiding.

when you reach for another flower, it takes more strength than it should to pull it up.

grass bends under determined shoes, eyes scanning the undergrowth. ferns part, your main ducking under surprisingly low branches. they’d heard from the locals that the imposter was spotted around here, and they needed to be the one to find you.

they couldn’t let down their god. they couldn’t let them down, not when they’d already been punished by being deprived of their aura. they didn’t know what they did, they didn’t receive an answer no matter how hard they begged, but they were certain this could fix it. after all, they were still the favorite, right? they still had their weapon, and their artifacts that had taken ages to collect, and they could still sweep away enemies with the same strength.

all that was missing was the precious aura of being close to the creator, a feeling they would do anything to get back.

the memory spurred them on, even as the thicket grew denser. they did their best to push through, the golden shimmer of their weapon being summoned making up for the lack of light filtering through the leaves, but it’s like the very earth didn’t want them going here.

the thought made them pause, but only momentarily. if the earth didn’t want them there, then that meant it was dangerous, a threat to the people nearby. at the very least, they had to see whatever it was to ensure they could bring the proper amount of backup.

as they cut through the leaves and bushes—doing their best to preserve as much as they could, unwilling to destroy what their god had so lovingly created—they began to feel the same thrill in their bones that came from being near their god. when they first noticed they had to stop their progress, leaning against a tree to mumble a prayer of thanks.

they’d missed this. they’d missed it so deeply, a hole in their soul that nothing could ever fill. from being surrounded by it daily, in and out of battle and other errands, to being stranded without it for months… it could only be compared to an addiction.

when they got their wits about them, they shakily drew their weapon once more. this had to be a reward, right? for going out of their way to protect the people? this had to be a sign, acknowledgment from the only one they truly cared about, and it only reinforced their actions. cutting through the brush was hard, a task of which progress seemed slower and slower with every breath, but this made it worth it.

with a final use of their skill—carefully aimed, as they were well aware of how their hands trembled—the foliage gave way, opening into a beautiful meadow. birds chirped and called, butterflies landed on flowers, and a creek bubbled through the center, emptying into a pool on one side. it was beautiful, an area certainly blessed by their god’s love, and they took a moment to look in awe.

“hello?”

the call of a child snapped them from their thoughts, the feeling of a divine aura pulsing in their veins, and they turned to the source.

a small child was sitting in the grass near the edge of the clearing, butterflies and birds surrounding them like a personal guard. in their hands was a braid of flowers, their clothes stained with dirt and grass.

“hello.”

the favored rushed to try and rationalize the situation, thoughts slowed to a drip of honey by the bliss in the air. this… child had to be the reason they were being blessed, right? their god wanted them to save them from whatever the earth didn’t want them to see, right? perhaps the child was one of their vessels as well? though rare, it wasn’t unheard of..

the child stood from the grass, setting down the flowers and attempting to brush some of the dirt off their clothes. it didn’t work as well as they might have hoped.

they cleared their throat, catching the child’s attention. “you should come with me.”

one of the birds besides the child cawed loudly in protest, flapping its wings. neither payed any mind.

“why?”

‘why’ indeed. they couldn’t exactly explain the entire concept of divinity to somebody so young, and it would surely only give whatever monster lied in wait more time to return. if they were a villager’s kid, they would have heard of them being missing, but they didn’t, so no chance of using the ‘your parent sent me for you’ line…

“somebody very important is looking for you,” they settled, taking a step towards them. “and they’ve sent me to come find you.”

please say yes. please just come with me. i can’t hurt a child. i need you to come with me.

i need their favor once more.

to their relief, the child walked closer to them, and they crouched to meet their eyes. the blessing of their god thudded alongside their own heartbeat, their vision swimming at the edges. this is what they were meant to do. they had to bring this kid to their god. this is how they would be forgiven.

the child said something, something along the lines of trust and belief, but they fell on deaf ears. in an easy motion, the favored picked up the child and stood, walking for where they had entered the meadow.

the kid squirmed in their arms, making themself comfortable, but they didn’t stop marching. exiting was far easier than entering, the leaves no longer seeming to fight them—not that it mattered. they had the key to their god’s favor in their arms, and their blessing in their veins. nothing would stop them from returning to their former position, to where they belonged.

nothing would stop them from returning to their god’s side.

#genshin sagau #sagau #genshin #genshin impact #self aware genshin #genshin self aware au #sagau impostor au #sorry for the sudden dip in upload i’ve run out of short things to post and have to decide whether to edit 16k words or start being Original #also like thanksgiving and shit #hm…. how to tag this….#sagau x reader #? yeah sure why not #genshin x reader

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thesmpisonfire · 9 months

Note

hello! i am not watching cellbits stream right now so i am a little lost, would you be able to tell me what is known about montelyson/romero richas (?? which name……) right now…? like is richas possessed or what…

Sorry for the wait, nonnie! I wanted to gather all the info i had on Montelyson so this can be also a recap on him!!

This post here has the rundown of all we knew about Montelyson until yesterday, today's discoveries I'll add later this post

Now, onto his diaries!!

He did 3 during his first appearances, with also the first Romero Richas paintings

"I feel limited to the thinner layers of the matter, as if my existence... Is collapsing day after day... I exist just for a couple moments... And my existence changes the world through...art...but is it really significant?"

"My art is inspired by a mix of the elements of an inorganic matter...but what's the reason within all of this? Why do I need that my art makes everyone believe that I'm here, that I'm real?"

"Sometimes I have to illustrate paints that are a bit....different...art that molds itself...that changes and transforms itself..."

"But what would it be? The colorful paintings that make everyone smile, vibrant colors and surreal shapes..."

"Or....my self-portraits?"

1/3

Here's a translation for the second book, and here's to the third book

This is one of Montelyson's "self portraits"

As for today, Montelyson talked directly with Forever and Cellbit. They said they were Richas Comfort and Nothing. They're also directly connected to Richas' grief over Bobby, and they showed up only after his death. They said Richas knows they're there (a given already) and how they were a part of Richas and couldn't really be hurt without hurting Richas. They ended the talk telling Cellbit and Forever they should talk with Richas in case they wanted more info

The answer if he's possessed or if its something he has within his mind is still not clear. To me, Richas has the consciousness of a previous islander, whose memory and thoughts weren't perfectly cleaned and now they're taking hold of Richas when they can

#qsmp #q!richarlyson #montelyson

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shinyaharu98 · 1 year

Text

Unraveled Secrets - Episode 2 (ft. Yeojin)

LOONA ViVi x Male Reader

Word Count: 7469 words

Categories: smut, girl on girl, series

Disclaimer: Here is the second part of the trilogy! This episode happened right after where episode 1 has left off. Also all LOONA members will use stage names in the most part excluding ViVi for familiarity and continuity purposes. Special thanks to @a-casual-kpopfan for proof reading!

Episode 1

They say time is just a perception. If you are doing something you like, it will flow by faster, and vice versa. Waiting is an arduous process, a slow torturing method designed to push your mind and patience to its absolute limits. If things going your way is like a 100 meter dash, then waiting is like a marathon. It’s the pain of going through it.

-7 days till scheduled trip-

“One week.” Kahei murmured.

Your first date in real life. 7 days left. Painful.

Unlike Chuu, who is allegedly booked full until 2054, Kahei had some free time to spare. Usually she would spend her time painting art pieces, hosting V Live from time to time, or just hanging out with other unoccupied members. But now, all she can think of is that day. THAT special first date you two are going to have. Kahei cannot stop herself from overthinking about every single aspect of it. Where should we go? What will we be doing together? And also…what is Yeojin planning anyways? As soon as she thought about that, Yeojin’s words echoed inside Kahei’s brain.

“We’ll have a threesome together unnie! We’ll be fucking all day and all night long! Isn’t it what you asked for?”

Her ears turned red. Her face turned crimson. Her heart was pounding stronger than before. Even her kidneys are pounding, for some reason.

“What is this feeling? Nervousness? It couldn’t be…” Kahei contemplating with herself. “I didn’t even feel like this on my debut stage…what is going on?”

She was completely in her zone, immersed in her own world of thoughts. At this moment, Choerry noticed her unnie was a bit strange today. Kept spacing out, and being oddly quieter than usual. This piqued up Choerry’s interest, so she decided to get to the bottom of this. But to do that, she must rescue Kahei from her own world and bring her back to reality. Choerry asked Kahei if she could join her V Live session, as she needed someone to teach her Cantonese and engage with foreign fans.

For a brief moment, Kahei did forget about her own troubles and had a great time with Choerry. They laughed, they joked around and they conversed with their fans as well. Two hours flew by as they prepared to wrap up their live streaming session.

“안녕!~拜拜!~”

As their V Live came to an end, Choerry began searching for clues like Harry Potter in the Chamber of Secrets.

“Unnie, you looked concerned today, is something wrong?”

This question caught her by surprise, but it’s just the wrong timing. She is not ready to open up about her secrets, let alone revealing her secret date with Yeojin and you. The only rational response she can come up with is to ensure Choerry that everything is under control.

“I’m fine, I’m fine. It’s just…”

Words nearly slipped out from her lips, but she consciously stopped herself from revealing everything.

“Just…?” Choerry tried to continue her sentence.

“Sorry about that…Yerim-ah, I can’t tell you right now. It is a secret of mine. But I promise you I am okay, so don’t worry about it ya? When the timing is right, I will tell you everything about it.”

Initially Choerry was going to press for more answers out of curiosity. But then, she saw Kahei’s eyes.

That piercing gaze, shined with determination and power.

This is the eyes of someone who is ready to risk it all to protect something they really cherish. This is the stare of someone who plans to go all in with no regrets.

“Trust me on this one.” Kahei added.

Her eyes rendered Choerry speechless. At that moment, she knew that her unnie was being serious. She knows that this is no joking matter, and she needs to resolve it by herself without disruptions from a third party.

“I see…I understand. Of course I trust you unnie. I’ll be here whenever you are ready to talk about it.” Choerry answered. “After all, you are my beloved Bbi-haengnim after all!”

She gave her a peck on her cheeks. Kahei smiled, relieved that Choerry will be there for her when the time comes.

After that, they split up and Kahei went back to her room and rested.

“What a chaotic way to start the day, my heart is off time…” Kahei talking to herself once again. “I wonder what he’s doing now…is he thinking about me?”

Meanwhile, around 2000 miles away…

“I wonder what she's doing now…is she thinking about me?”

As soon as you thought of that, a familiar tune broke your room’s silence.

“너무나도 멋진 너 아무렇지 않은 척 나 조금씩 너의 옆에…~”

Of course you set Kahei’s debut track as your phone’s notification ringtone, of course you did. You picked up your phone, and it is a notification for a live stream from V Live. You wanted to catch up with the girls, or even better, catch a glimpse of your best friend Kahei. But sadly, the livestream ended a few minutes ago.

“Stupid V Live notifications, always delayed for no reason.” You complained. “Thank goodness HYBE bought your glitchy app. Now how am I supposed to know what she's doing?”

You know that you can’t really just text Kahei willy-nilly because other members or managers can pick up her phone instead.

“How am I going to live through these seven days? Why don’t I just buy tomorrow’s ticket instead…” You regretted the fact that you missed the opportunity to meet her earlier, but all the seats are already unavailable at the moment. You slumped back into your bed trying to get some sleep.

1 hour went by. Not a wink of sleep. Your mind is crowded with endless possibilities for that day. You decided to roam around your apartment.

“I sure am fortunate.” You said, while walking around your place. It is hard to find affordable housing in Hong Kong, but you managed to rent a small apartment unit in the Central District with three of your friends, thanks to your uncle who owned this place. He didn’t give you the apartment for free obviously, but you sure have discounts that make it cheaper than others.

For now all three of your friends have either been on their holidays elsewhere, or just went back to their hometowns, leaving you alone in the premises.

“I guess I’ll just open up my commissions again, might need that extra cash in Korea…” You kept talking to yourself. Being alone for quite some time earned you the habit to talk with yourself. It might sound crazy but it does let you organize your thoughts a bit.

As a freelance artist, your income is based on people requesting for artworks. Sometimes you get wacky requests with a very specific image in their minds, but it's your job after all.

“Bleep.”

Your computer reminded you a new buyer had just ordered a custom art of their choice.

“Well, time to work!” You exclaimed.

And that should keep you busy for the rest of your day.

-6 days till scheduled trip-

“Yesterday was absolutely horrendous.” You thought.

You just finished your artwork and it was ready to be submitted to your client. But a flash of lightning shorted out the fuse of your apartment.

The good news is, your computer and other devices are completely fine.

The bad news is, your progress for the past two hours has been wasted.

That’s why you pulled an all-nighter just to catch up your progress and finally finished at 3:14 a.m. No wonder you woke up at 2pm this afternoon.

“I’m starving.”

Now that you are alone, you don't have the luxury to have meals prepared by your housemates, which means you need to go through all the hassle to cook it yourself.

You learned how to cook by watching Gordon Ramsey on YouTube. But of course, you are not cooking like a chef, you’re not a 5 star Michelin after all. You are just a regular guy who picked up cooking as a hobby, but also can prepare decent meals by yourself that are presentable.

Your cooking style and preferences mimics what you saw on Chef Ramsey’s channel, so it’s mostly Western Cuisine.

But today is different. Kahei is on your mind right now. You want to learn to cook something that you know she would like.

“Maybe it's been a while since she had eaten local foods, she’s been in Korea the entire time after all…”

With that in mind, you decided to make potstickers from scratch, since this is what she used to eat during your legendary school days.

-Timeskip-

An hour has passed and your potstickers are finally done.

“Hey, that’s pretty good!” You exclaimed while tasting your work of art. “I probably should bring some to Korea, I bet she would like it!”

Pondering, a familiar tune rang again.

“Dammit V Live, you better not be delayed this time…what do you have for me now?”

You foolishly thought that was a V Live notification, but no. Kahei’s name flashes on the screen, she just sent you a message. But just when you tried to open it, the message immediately rescinded.

Perplexed, you texted back.

“What’s up?”

“Oh…nothing nothing, I…I just misclicked that’s all. Sorry about that.”

Weird.

But stranger things happened.

Her name flashed on your screen once again, but this time…it’s a call.

She would usually ask you if you are free before calling you. Impromptu chatting sessions don't usually occur between you two, which makes you feel even more confused. You eventually picked up the phone, worrying that something serious just happened.

“...Kahei?”

“I just want to tell you…that I’m looking forward to our date. I miss you so so much…”

Well that was unexpectedly daring of her, you thought.

“I miss you too Kahei. I hope that I can see you as soon as possible.”

“Unnggh…me too.”

She sounded…different. Her voice doesn't sound chipper as usual.

“Kahei, are you exercising? You sounded like you were out of breath now, is everything okay?”

“I’m…fine.”

“You should put that on a T-shirt, it’s like your go to catchphrase at this point.” You chuckled. But Kahei doesn't seem to be amused. Her side went silent for a while, and out of nowhere, she asked you a question.

“What…what are you going to do with me when you arrive here?”

That was WAY too bold, you thought. It doesn’t sound like the conserved, shy Kahei you know, but you decide to ignore all the red flags and answer her question anyways.

“I want to go shopping with you, I want to spend time with you, I want to visit your dorm, your vocal room, I want to hang out with you beneath the stars with you…”

And the list goes on. You mentioned everything you wanted to experience with her…but you left out the most important part.

“And also…I want to make love with you.”

Knowing that she doesn’t like profanity, you chose your words carefully.

“...more…” Kahei’s voice sounded sultry, like she was yearning for your attention and wanted you to express your lust and fantasy onto her. One line wasn’t enough, she needed you to be honest with yourself and pour out your heart for her.

“I want to mess you up, I want to fill you up until you become mine and mine only.”

“Mmmh…!” Kahei moaned.

Is she…pleasuring herself? You continued.

“I want to thrust my shaft inside your womb, I want to shoot my semen into your deepest part and let you cum until you can’t walk. I want to pleasure you until you beg me for more, I want to make out with you from sunset to sunrise. I want…”

Before you can finish bombarding your lust onto her, she interrupts you.

“I…can’t…hold it back any longer!” Kahei exclaimed. And then, silence filled your room.

Baffled by what just happened, you tried to reconnect with her.

“Kahei…? What is happening? Are you masturb-”

-Click-

She hung up.

The only thing left with you is your fully erect shaft, clearly aroused by your conversation just now.

“What the hell is going on today? Is the universe falling apart?”

Of course not, you silly bollocks. But you had so many questions. What was happening on the other side of the phone? Was she suddenly in heat and wanted to masturbate, or maybe you just got NTRed?

You calmed yourself down, and tried to think rationally.

“She could be pleasuring herself, or maybe she…no no no no no no no.” You don’t even want to think about anyone else laying their hands on her.

“Balance of probability suggests that she is more likely to be touching herself. Yes, that must be it…”

You almost went through seven stages of grief just to rationalize about what just happened. Your phone interrupted your train of thoughts.

-Three new messages-

Kahei: Sorry about what just happened. Please…just forget everything just now. Here is something to compensate for your troubles.

Kahei: Try to think about me tonight, okay? I hope that picture can help you relieve some tension tonight…if you need to.

Jason: Of course I need to.

What a wild day, with so many questions unanswered. But at this moment, the only thing that captured your attention was that picture she sent you.

What an arousing expression.

A perfect balance between cuteness and seductiveness, this might be the best selca you have ever seen, and the most effective too. Her plump lips with that provocative tongue flick, nobody could have resisted that.

You simply cannot handle it anymore, you picked up your phone and walked straight into your washroom…

-Four hours ago-

Another practically schedule-less day for Kahei. At this point in time, it didn’t really bother her at all. In fact, she kinda enjoyed it. Having free time in your own vocal room just to chillax, develop interests and improve yourself as an artist, which introvert wouldn’t want that?

But then.

“Unnieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~”

A loud voice broke the peaceful silence she was enjoying. There are only a few members that are capable of producing this much noise, but Kahei knew exactly who she was.

“God, Yeojin…” Kahei sighed. “Everyday I wonder where you get your energy from…”

She was not exaggerating at all. Being the loudspeaker of the group, Yeojin does exude big energy vibes.

“I guess I’m just naturally high all the time!”

“So…what’s the occasion? You don’t do THAT if you don’t have something in your mind.” Kahei asked, thinking that she might need some favors to ask.

“Well, since you are free unnie, I want to ask you about something I had in mind for a while…”

Kahei shuddered. Millions of possible scenarios flashed across her eyes.

What is on her mind? Will she bring up that subject? Will she ask questions about Jason? Will she…

“Can you go shopping with me?”

“Huh?”

Kahei still hasn't gotten back her senses yet.

“My clothes are getting stale, I want to add more into my collection.” Yeojin said. “I might need your assistance unnie, you have impeccable fashion taste after all!”

“I…I do?” Kahei was flattered by Yeojin’s unexpected praise. Gowon is usually the fashionista in the group, she does have a futuristic fashion sense after all. But getting that compliment from Yeojin is a huge serotonin boost for Kahei, since Yeojin’s photos on Instagram always garnered a lot of attention and adoration from fans.

“Alright then, I’ll go with you.” Kahei agreed. “Any particular stores in mind?”

Too easy, Yeojin thought. Invisible horns appeared from her head. Looks like everything is going according to her plan, whatever that plan was.

And just like that, their trip to fashion-land takes off.

At first glance, their mini-trip looked innocent enough without arousing suspicion. They hop from store to store picking outfits that caught their eyes. From street to street, Zara to Uniqlo, browsing through the latest fashion trends.

Kahei is not a big shopper, but she still chose some clothes and accessories that would fit well in her gradually expanding collection. Just when she thought their excursion was coming to an end, Yeojin expressed that there is one more shop she was dying to visit.

“Yeojin-ah, my legs are a bit sore…can’t we go some other day?” Kahei tried to negotiate for a break.

“No no no no no unnie,,,this place is very special to me, I really want to show you for a while now. I promise it won’t take long, pleeeease?”

Yeojin’s eyes sparkle with hope, shining brighter than the sun above. Kahei couldn't possibly upset her maknae, so she caved in and headed towards the final station of their mysterious journey.

One taxi trip later, they arrived at their destination. Kahei was still clueless as to where she was. But it is very apparent that Yeojin is very used to this place, as she navigates the area without GPS. Alas, she stopped in front of a red building.

“...Yeojin? Why are we here?”

‘Red Container’, big white letters appeared as its storefront signage. The problem is, beside it are the words ‘Adult Shop’.

“Tada!”

“...” Words failed to come out from Kahei’s mouth. Realization kicks in that from this moment on, everything is going towards a VERY different direction.

Without waiting for her to react, Yeojin dragged her into the shop, and the first thing she saw was an entire aisle dedicated for adult toys of all shapes and sizes.

“What…WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???”

“Language, Vivi unnie!” Yeojin added. “Relax, I’m just here to restock. Gowon unnie broke my vibrator last night, so I had no choice but to splurge on another one of these.”

She picked up a white box with the label ‘Fireman’ on it.

“This is one of the best products that they offer, it’s called fireman because he will come for your rescue, hahahahahahahaha get it?” Yeojin is still in her euphoric mode, completely ignoring Kahei, who is still in shock.

“But unnie, this is not the main attraction yet, the second floor is where the magic happens.”

Yeojin dragged Kahei to the second floor, which just happens to be the store’s outfit and costume section.

“Didn’t we just buy clothes for like, an hour ago? Do we really need more?”

“Unnie, these outfits are not for us, you know.”

Yeojin’s smile disappeared. A serious expression replaced her upbeat mood with an instant.

“I am aware that you are meeting your boyfriend next week, and I am tagging along as well.”

“We’re…not a couple at this moment…” Kahei tried to explain the complicated relationship between the both of you.

“So…you’re admitting you two are just sex friends?”

“No! Not like that! It’s just that we've known each other for such a long time, but I never know if he is interested in me…”

“Oh my God kimchi unnie…You really ARE dense, aren’t you? You really think that he would do all that, but has absolutely zero feelings towards you?”

“I've never been in a relationship before, how am I supposed to know?”

Yeojin sighed.

“Alright then. If you want this to work out, you are going to need some assistance. And luckily for you, I’m here.” Yeojin started planning their attack plans like a military strategist.

“Here’s our goal. I want him to fall head over heels for you when you two lovebirds meet next week, alright? To let that happen, I need your full cooperation, can you do that?”

“I…” Kahei muttered. She is afraid that being honest might just ruin your relationship. But stuck in this status quo is not a viable long-term solution either. She needed to make a choice, no matter how difficult it was.

With a deep breath, she finally made a decision that will change her life completely.

“I will do it.”

And there it is.

“I will do it, Yeojin. You have my full attention and cooperation. No turning back now.”

Yeojin saw flames arise from Kahei’s eyes. The familiar expression that shined with determination like before reappeared.

“Alright! Both feet are in the battlefield now, we’ll be needing some supplies. Let’s start by choosing our battling armor.”

This section of the shop displayed all kinds of clothing, including those specifically designed for cosplay events or role-playing.

“So, do you know what oppa likes?” Yeojin says. “Except for twin tails of course…”

“How did you…”

“Unnie, I heard mostly everything, alright? Don’t worry about it.”

Kahei blushed.

“During our Hi High era, he told me that I looked good in my outfit, he kept on complimenting it. So maybe a miniskirt would be ideal?”

“Hi High era clothes huh, I do look cute in those. Crop tops and miniskirts it is then. Gosh, we should just wear our stage outfits to surprise him. But at the same time, it’s too recognizable in public…”

Both Yeojin and Kahei scanned the section for any costumes that would fit the description. While searching for apparel, Kahei was fascinated about the costumes on display.

“Cat ears? Do people really like these? I guess Hyunjin would buy these I imagine.”

Naturally Aeongie Hyunjin comes to mind. Of course she would buy those.

“Unnie! I think I found something!”

Yeojin found a blue sailor halter top with a small anchor at the center. She also found a miniskirt with the same color to compliment the top. This particular costume is extremely bold, as the wearer’s back, midriff and legs will be on full display when this outfit is equipped.

“I can’t wear something like this! It’s too embarrassing!” Kahei objected.

“Boo boo…fine, I’ll have it then. They do have another similar one too, I think that might suit you unnie.”

Rustling through racks and racks of clothes, Yeojin managed to find another similar outfit. This one is also blue sailor themed, but instead of a top and miniskirt, it is a one-piece dress with the same anchor in the middle.

“I guess I can go with this one.” Kahei finally settled in.

“Alright, let’s try it out!”

Both girls entered separate changing booths and tried out their newly found outfit.

”Oh…?!” Kahei gasped. That’s not a look you would see everyday.

One-piece dresses usually have the ability to bring out one's slim figure and show off their legs, and this dress is not an outlier either. Although not as revealing as the one Yeojin had, this one had the perfect length just enough to accentuate Kahei’s legs.

She was very pleased that Yeojin picked this outfit for her.

“I’m sure Jason will like this outfit.” Kahei smiled while talking to herself. She envisioned the scene where both of you met at the airport…

*Kahei’s fantasy POV*

“Oppa! You finally came to visit me!”

“Kahei, sorry to keep you waiting.”

“You should have planned this earlier, you know?”

“I’m sorry sweetie, but I really tried. But at least I’m here right? Aren’t you glad to see me?”

“Of course I am! You have been on my mind lately, you don’t even know how much I missed you these days…”

After a short conversation, both of you went into a cab. You promptly told the driver your desired destination, which is none other than…a love hotel.

Things are about to get steamy.

Kahei imagined you kissing on her luscious lips, your tongues intertwined with each other and creating a string of saliva.

“Oppa, you are too forceful…mmngh~”

Kahei was still daydreaming about the suggestive scene she hoped would happen next week. But the sensation felt real, also something was touching her crotch…

Kahei opened her eyes, and Yeojin appeared in front of her, as her lips were forcefully pressed against hers.

“Hee hee…looks like someone is fantasizing about something dirty~”

“Yeojin!”

When did she slip inside her booth?

“Unnie, I think your first kiss belongs to me now! We have to practice and train together before you do the real deal with oppa, you don’t want him to be disappointed right?”

Yeojin’s hands slid into Kahei’s skirt and started rubbing her clitoris in a circular motion, making her completely immersed into a trance.

“Just imagine these are oppa’s big, strong hands, I’m sure you’ll like it.”

“J…Jason~”

Your name escaped her mouth, as she began to move her hips to match the pacing as well.

“It’s so big and thick…Something weird is happening!”

A patch of wet marks appeared on her panties as Yeojin’s fingers kept sliding in and out of her sacred hole. But it is very obvious that this level of satisfaction is not enough, so Yeojin moved to her back and began to caress her perky breasts as well.

“Eeek!”

“Unnie you really have beautiful tits you know, too bad I’m the one who will be enjoying first~”

Yeojin continued to massage her breasts while pinching her already erect nipples.

“I wish mine were as bouncy and elastic as yours…do you know how many fans fawn over you for that ‘Shake It’ stage? They only gave me that bartender outfit while you get that sexy blue dress, I’m envious…”

“Iwamnnotawareeofthat…” Kahei slurred her speech as she was engulfed by waves of ecstasy while Yeojin displayed no signs of stopping.

“Oh? Unnie can’t handle this kind of pleasure? I never knew that our Bbihaeng-nim would turn into such a slutty unnie~ Is Jason-oppa really that turning you on? Your lewd expression is all over the place!”

Kahei saw her expression reflected by the full-body mirror in front of them,

“...Is this really me?”

Her hair was messy, a ring of tears pooled around her eyes, her tongue was sticking out and she was making an incredibly erotic face while squelching sounds can heard.

“Yeojin…you really need to stop…or else I might be addicted to this~”

“This is just the practice run you know?”

“I‘m…I’m cumming!”

Kahei's body tensed up as orgasmed. Her pupils dilated, electricity ran through her body from top to bottom as she couldn't control her body anymore.

"That...was amazing..."

Kahei plopped down on the floor as fluids gushed out from her ravaged vagina.

Yeojin grinned, admiring her work of art, but then a dirty idea came upon her.

She took Kahei's phone while she was still in cloud nine, and took a picture of her messed up body and elated expression.

"Aaaand...send!"

Kahei finally snapped back and noticed her phone was in Yeojin's hand. She quickly snatched it back and figured out what she was doing.

Jason: [Picture sent]

“Yeojin! What do you think you’re doing?”

“Might as well give oppa some material to work with…right?”

Kahei quickly retracted the message she sent, hoping that you didn’t see it.

[What's up?]

“Thank goodness I was fast enough…What were you thinking Yeojin?” Kahei exclaimed.

[Oh…nothing nothing, I…I just misclicked that’s all. Sorry about that.]

Yeojin barged in.

“Gosh you two love birds need to be honest about yourselves!”

She snatched the phone and proceeded to call your number. And no surprise, you picked up.

“...Kahei?”

Not prepared for this occasion, Kahei didn’t know what to say, but Yeojin had a better idea.

“Tell him you missed him so much, unnie!! Try to express yourself as much as you can.” Yeojin whispered into her ear, instructing her how to give a proper response.

Kahei tried her best to give a heartfelt response, exposing her deepest desire to be with you.

“That’s the spirit!” Yeojin whispered again. “Now to add some zing to your conversation…”

As you are sending back your response, Yeojin restarted her attack on Kahei’s private parts. Startled by this sudden ambush, her response sounded more and more suspicious.

“Unnggh…me too.”

“Unnie, you have to keep it down a notch or else he will surely notice it!”

Your conversation kept on going, but Kahei couldn't really hear what you were saying at this point, her flames had just been reignited by Yeojin, plus your deep voice turned her on even more.

“What…what are you going to do with me when you arrive here?”

Kahei tried her best to be frank with you but also secretly wanting to hear about your truest thoughts.

As you are listing out all the things you want to experience with her, Yeojin also couldn’t contain herself anymore. Playing Kahei wasn’t enough, she needed to be fulfilled as well. She unpacked the newly bought toy and slowly inserted it into her drenched pussy.

“...more…” Kahei instructed you to tell her even more ways you want to mess her up.

Every single word you said excites her more and more, every scene you described evoked her innermost sexual desires.

"I...I can't..."

Kahei and Yeojin both reached their peak at the same time. They heaved for gasps of breath, while their bodies began to calm down.

"Kahei?...Are you m-"

Perfect timing. Yeojin abruptly ended the call.

"Haah...we can't reveal everything to him yet, there is a time and place for that...As for you unnie, you did a great job today. I like your honest side more."

Yeojin kissed Kahei once more, missing their love fluids together. Slowly but surely, they regained their senses back.

Kahei, on the other hand, is still having you on her mind. She knew you were going to be worried about herself after this bizarre interaction.

"Yeojin, oppa must have felt worried and intrigued. What should I tell him?"

"We'll need something to occupy his mind for the moment. Something bold, something direct, something that would make him go crazy…How about sending him a sexy picture of you?"

“What? I don’t have those kinds of pictures just lying around!”

“You don’t?”

“No!”

“But I do have some, just in case of emergencies.”

“Emergencies?” Kahei sighed. “Never mind, I don’t think I want to know the entire story. But I do have one picture that he might like…I took it during our Summer Package photoshoot, is this okay?”

Yeojin glanced at the photo in question and gave it a satisfying pass.

“This is absolutely perfect, ViVi-unnie. He would be falling on his knees when he receives this picture, so let me help you out.”

And so, Yeojin sent you the photo and gave you permission to use it as your heart desired.

After all the shenanigans, they both went back to their dorms and called it a day, and what a day indeed.

-4 days till scheduled trip-

Nothing particular happened in your household, you are alone in your place after all. But that cannot be said about loonathedorm, where seismic events are indeed unfolding.

Heejin and Hyunjin are dating somewhere in Daegu, Haseul is buying her fifth Gucci bag in LA, OEC are in the studio recording for their next Japanese solo ‘Sick Love’, Yves is riding the Swan Paddle Boat at Han River, Gowon is in a convenience store promoting her own Gowon Meal Set, Chuu is in a forest somewhere planting trees and trying her best to save the world, and Olivia Hye is touching up her arm tattoo in an underground tattoo parlor. You might have noticed that two members in particular are missing.

“The stars aligned and we are alone, Bbi-haengnim~”

“You were in my bed as soon as I woke up! How long have you been here?”

“Long enough to admire your body hehe~”

“Yeojin...Are you drunk?”

“Unnie! Do I really look like a drunkard who drinks at 2 in the afternoon?”

Yeojin did look dazed, but if it wasn't alcohol, what is the cause of this reaction?

“Actually, I woke up this morning and I felt…different. My heart was pounding so fast, knowing that we are all alone.”

“Yeojin…”

“I love you, ViVi-unnie, I really do. You’ve been caring for me since my debut, showering me with love because I am the smallest in the group, I really fell in love with you since then. But…”

There is a certain sadness reflected in Yeojin’s eyes, as she knows that Kahei had already fallen in love with another individual.

But Yeojin is very rational. She knows that in order to love someone, you need to make them happy and respect their choices.

“I know that Jason oppa is THE special someone in your life, I can see it in your eyes. That’s why I will make sure to help you get ready in every single scenario possible.”

Without waiting for a response, Yeojin unleashed a barrage of kisses. At first, Kahei didn't really like it. She is not someone who would willingly give or receive intimacy on a regular basis.

But after yesterday’s events, something changed within her. She became more open to Yeojin's bold attacks, even trying to give back some love too.

“Yeojin-ah, you really act like a spoiled baby you know?” Kahei smiled while taking the lead for the first time ever.

Yeojin was taken aback by her actions.

“Unnie? Mmmh!”

Kahei denied Yeojin’s freedom of speech as she worked her tongue past her lips to dive into her delicate mouth.

“I guess it’s officially no longer kiss later now.”

“Unnie…you’re scaring me now…I should’ve taken the lead!”

“Nope, not today. You had your way last time, now it’s punishment time.”

Those eyes. That gaze. That power. The same determination.

Kahei got on top of Yeojin and looked down into her eyes, the tank top she was wearing highlighted her slim yet muscular arms. She lifted Yeojin’s chin up and gave her first command.

“Stick your tongue out.”

Yeojin was terrified, it’s almost like she completely transformed into another person. But…she felt a tingling sensation spreading through her body, entering into uncharted territory. But her body doesn’t reject it despite the fact that being in a submissive and vulnerable position is new to her. She realized that deep down she wanted to be dominated. Dominated by her beloved unnie.

"Yesh…" Yeojin obeyed.

Kahei locked her hands together and pressed them against the bed in an upright position, denying the possibility of Yeojin escaping.

Without any signs of hesitation, Kahei planted a deep kiss and twisted her tongue inside of Yeojin's mouth. By instinct, she tried to break free but Kahei held on to her position firmly. Tears rolled down Yeojin's cheeks as her consciousness slowly fades away.

Finally Kahei loosened her grip.

"Bwaaah…I…I thought I was going to die there…"

"We're not done yet." Kahei smiled while flicking her tongue. "You taste like banana milk, I might need more of that."

"Wait! Wh…"

Kahei continues to enjoy her second serving of Yeojin. Her tongue didn't stay at one place like before, it followed down to her neck, her collar bone and eventually her chest. Kahei removed her shirt to find out that she wasn't wearing any undergarments beneath.

Although her height was underdeveloped, her chest is entirely a different story.

"I guess all that banana milk went to good use there~" Kahei grinned.

Two years ago Yeojin would probably rank in the bottom three in terms of volume within LOONA members, but now she has grown out of her cutie pie phase. Lately she has become more mature, more adult-like. Her ample breasts really stand out in contrast with her tiny figure, no wonder she is so popular amongst male fans.

"I'm so envious of you, Yeojin. You grew up so well…"

Kahei slowly caressed Yeojin's stiffened clit and licked her nipples, making a circular motion around it.

"Unnie…when did you become so good at this…mmmgh!"

Her pink nipples became hard and erect, drool leaked out from the corner of her mouth as she desperately gasped for air.

"I'm cumming…I'm cummingggggg!" Yeojin squealed as her petite body shuddered in delight.

"Looks like you're enjoying yourself there."

As Yeojin's vision began to clear up, she noticed a hint of sadness in Kahei’s eyes.

"Unnie, we…we have to train for 4 more days, I know it is difficult for you to hold back your feelings for this long." Yeojin said while trying to catch her breath. "When you are doing it with me, you are thinking about Jason-oppa isn't it?"

"You noticed?"

"Of course I do! I know what my role is, and we don't have a lot of time to prepare…but I am sure you are ready to meet him."

"Really?"

"We will have to wait until that day to find out…."

Kahei wondered what she was talking about, but Yeojin collapsed onto the bed and passed out.

"Guess I'll find out, I hope Jason can come sooner…"

Oh you will.

-6 hours till scheduled trip-

Time flies.

It's your moment.

This is it, as big as you're gonna get, so enjoy it.

You simply couldn’t sleep yesterday, as you had waited for this moment all week. For the past few days talks and chats between you and Kahei were not that frequent, as Luminous promos are closing in, but you two still manage to converse a bit.

You checked your tickets over and over again, just to confirm the dates and terminal gates are correct. You still had a bit of time to kill, so you opened up your favOriTe game - SuperStar LOONA and played her solo Everyday I Love You.

Meanwhile...

It’s 9:30 a.m. in Korea. Kahei is not waiting alone, Yeojin is also by her side.

Both of them are anxious about your arrival for different reasons. Kahei is uneasy because she wanted to be reunited with you for such a long time, and this day finally came. Yeojin is nervous because he is going to meet you for the first time without you even knowing it, there are so many things that could go wrong.

“ViVi-unnie, should we go now?”

Kahei knows that there is still time until your arrival. “No rush, Yeojin. He should be departing anytime soon, but the flight from Hong Kong to here is 3 hours long.”

“So…does that mean we have a bit of time for extra preparation?”

“No more training, Yeojin. Gosh, did you forget what happened yesterday?”

“Oh right…”

The training sessions for the past few days were wild. For most of the time, the sessions went smoothly. They played around, experimented with different techniques, toys and positions, all to prepare for this big day. But yesterday, boy oh boy they nearly messed up and got caught by other members.

Kahei and Yeojin are training in their bedroom alone as usual, with Kahei being the dominant one. They failed to notice that on that particular day, Choerry was actually present in another room. The sound of Yeojin moaning and panting caught Choerry’s attention, so she knocked on their doors.

“Yeojin-ah, is everything okay?”

That caught them by surprise, as they hurriedly tidied up their clothes and bed sheets.

“I’m…I’m fine unnie. ViVi-unnie is here with me, we were just…exercising!”

“Hmmmmm…alright then. Don’t overdo yourselves ya?”

Kahei was relieved. “Phew…”

“Alright, no more practice today.” Yeojin says. “I think we have sufficient training already! So tell me unnie, how did you two meet?”

“That… is a long long story. Maybe I will tell you all in the next episode.”

“Episode?”

“Ah…I mean next time, next time. Since we have time, should we just grab something to eat?”

“Let’s go!”

And off they go.

“Game Over~” Kahei’s voice boomed when you inevitably failed Hi High hard mode for the nth time again.

“I should have just stuck to my plan of beating the high score for Everyday I Love You…” you groaned.

Of course you bought her voice pack, of course you do. That is the entire point of this game for you to hear her lovely voice cheering you on when you succeed. But sadly hard mode is just too hard for you to conquer at this point.

You looked at the time and realized you probably should be heading out to HKIA by now. You called a cab and headed towards your destination. 15 minutes later, you arrived at the airport terminal.

-3 hours and 30 minutes till scheduled trip-

“Welcome aboard Hong Kong Airlines.”

The moment that sound appeared, you snapped back to reality, knowing that you will see your dearest friend in a couple of hours. And hopefully after this, you two will be more than friends.

Excitement pumped through your blood vessels as the plane takes off. You experienced the longest 3 hours and 30 minutes of your life, as you couldn’t sleep like other passengers. Your entire mind has been focused on meeting with Kahei and nothing fazes you anymore.

Not the ongoing turbulence, not the one passenger who kept asking the stewardess for snacks, not even the gentleman beside you who snores like a freight train.

Kahei and Yeojin also noticed that the time has come for them to fetch you up at the airport. They quickly get dressed and make sure to present themselves at their best for you. In the cab, Yeojin starts to worry that you might not want her involvement.

“Unnie…what if oppa is mad at you because you unraveled secrets to me? I mean I know I discovered them but he might have other theories. What if he's disappointed? What if…”

“Relax, Yeojin. We knew each other for a long time and I can tell you that he is one of the most considerate and kind people I have ever known.” Kahei reassures. “I am sure he will understand our situation, and we will make it up for him later, won’t we?”

“Oh that’s right! We will have our three-”

Kahei immediately stopped Yeojin for blurting out sensitive information.

“Shhhh! Don’t say it out loud!”

“Hee hee~”

A few moments later, they arrived at the airport. Luckily for them, the electrical board says that your flight will be arriving in about 10 minutes.

“I can’t wait.” Kahei sighed.

“I can’t wait,” You sighed. But then the captain informed all passengers to buckle in as you are approaching the airway for landing.

Alas, you arrived at Seoul, the heart of Korea.

-5 minutes till scheduled trip-

Korean air smells different. For starters, it is way clearer here then your hometown as the quality of air in Hong Kong is considered a serious matter. But now is not the time to admire the air quality, no. You are finally about to meet Kahei for the first time in years.

As you approached the arrival terminal, you kept looking for any signs of Kahei.

“Is she here?” You started talking with yourself. “Perhaps she is stuck in traffic, or maybe she forgot? Where are y…oh? OH?”

A figure appeared through the crowd. And there she is, the moment you’ve been dreaming for. Her luscious dark hair with her slender figure really stands out from others.

Your eyes met, gaze locked onto each other. You ran towards her direction and hugged her.

“Kahei! It’s been so long!”

“I can finally see you in person, you let me wait for so long!”

“I am sorry, I’ll make sure to make it up for you. Hmm?”

You noticed there is one more person peeking out behind Kahei.

“Wait a minute…Yeojin? Why are you here?”

Do you know Yeojin personally? Of course not. But as a LOONA fan, you obviously know who other members are, and seeing another LOONA member present confused you.

“Hello oppa! Im Yeojin here! ViVi-unnie told me a loooot about you!”

“Wh-”

A confused expression appeared on your face, as you couldn't understand what was going on.

Kahei noticed your troubling look.

“Jason, I can explain…”

She went on and told you about how Yeojin found out your secrets and planned to join you two.

“I understand you want this to be between us, but Yeojin has helped me to find courage and strength to be here. Can she join us?”

What kind of man would turn down an opportunity to go out with two LOONA members?

“Alright. I guess us three will be stuck together for a while.” You accepted your fate and followed the two girls.

Yeojin was unusually excited.

“Since you are not familiar with the surroundings, oppa…we decided to plan a little trip just for the three of us!”

“Alright, Yeojin. I will follow your lead then.”

Three of you went into a cab. You presumed that they are bringing you to some local eateries, or maybe visit their dorm. But when you arrived at your destination, you found out that your hypothesis was completely off course.

The sign says ‘Love Hotel’.

“Kahei…why are we here?”

“Oppa…you’ll see.”

I believe you will.

To be continued…

#kpop smut #shinyaharu #loona male reader #male reader #male insert #loona smut #vivi smut #kahei smut #loonasmut #loonatheharem

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