#stream of consciousness tags much

[comradekatara]

Can you go a bit more in depth about your post about Sokka in the Burning Rock episode? You said that it was basically his suicide mission, which I agree with. I'd really like to hear more of your thoughts on it.

okay yeah i mean i'm sure i've covered all these points before extensively because i love weaving a tapestry of sokka's fucked up psychological landscape more than anything in the world, but every so often someone will comment on one of my posts and be like "i think you're reaching i think sokka is the paragon of mental health actually" and i'm just like um. did we not all watch the boiling rock. did we just ignore the apotheosis of sokka's entire character arc. like katara's apotheosis in "the southern raiders" is both very overt and impactful and also, arguably, subtler than sokka's, because they don't explicitly spell out the themes every five seconds, but like. if you didn't watch the boiling rock then you cannot understand sokka. and weirdly enough i also believe that zuka shippers are the biggest culprit of this despite this episode being thee zucchini episode because they somehow still have the audacity to characterize sokka as "goofy sunshine who exists to comfort zuko" when like. the entire point is that sokka is legitimately suicidal here and zuko is doing everything in his power to support him thru what is quite literally a mental breakdown. like their relationship is legitimately interesting i don't understand how people have taken that and made it deeply boring.....but i digress.

the boiling rock is quite obviously sokka at his lowest. the worst thing that could ever happen to him – fumbling a mission that was squarely his responsibility, from its conception to its execution, due to not being able to sufficiently compartmentalize his emotions, leading to the mass imprisonment of most of his comrades, including the men of his tribe whom he idolized his entire life and felt immense pressure to live up to, including his father who he is deathly afraid of disappointing (for reasons that have nothing to hakoda being malicious or neglectful in any way, fwiw), and thus being directly implicated in the failure and the harm caused by said failure – happened. sokka is someone who is especially bad at dealing with failure, because a) he is exceptionally talented, and thus has less experience dealing with failure in both minor and major ways, and thus lacks the emotional resilience developed through the process of struggle and growth that normal people (such as, incidentally, zuko) go through and b) to sokka, whose primary desire at all times is to protect and provide for others in any way he possibly can, for someone else to sacrifice themselves for him constitutes a fundamental disruption to the order. there is a perverse wrongness to kya or yue or hakoda or suki making sacrifices on their own volition, because it means that sokka has existentially failed to protect them by martyring himself. like, he somehow feels so guilty about suki being imprisoned that when azula reveals this piece of information to him, it literally distracts him from his own mission. and mind you, there's absolutely no way sokka could have known or been responsible for suki's imprisonment. but he still feels guilty nonetheless. and azula knows that, knows exactly how to twist the knife to make him break, because, well, it's honestly pretty obvious.

sokka obviously cannot retroactively save his mother or his first girlfriend, but he can save his father and his current girlfriend. in "the awakening" aang says he has to restore his honor after the guilt and shame of his failure in ba sing se (aang is also an incurable gifted kid perfectionist, btw, as is azula. posts for another time...) and sokka repeats zuko's line again in this episode, after experiencing the guilt and shame of his failure during the eclipse. the driving motivation of zuko's entire character, feeling like he has failed in some ontological way and must therefore redeem himself or die trying, is reinforced through aang and sokka's respective experiences mirroring that drive. aang goes out in a storm and nearly drowns to redeem himself in some vague, nebulous way, because he isn't thinking rationally. and likewise sokka, who usually always has a plan and always thinks things through, feels that caution and foresight is pointless, because he came up with a genuinely brilliant invasion plan and it didn't work, so clearly there's something wrong with him (just as he always suspected) and no amount of planning even matters, because he's a capital F Failure and always will be. and so he vows to save his father, as he promised him he would when they parted on the day of black sun, or die trying, because if he can't even do that then what is he good for; at least he'll die a martyr, which to him, is basically his ideal situation. because to sokka, dying as a martyr is basically the highest form of fulfilling his purpose (being needed, protecting people) and so if he dies a martyr, then maybe his catastrophic failure (that is entirely his fault and rests squarely on his shoulders btw) can be forgiven. so his plan is basically just to sacrifice himself for his father so that he can die "redeemed." very normal, rational, healthy behavior, i would say.

sidenote, i also see people claim that "the boiling rock" makes sokka look stupid because why wouldn't he take any of the insanely talented benders to a prison in a giant volcano surrounded by a boiling lake, and it's like. sokka literally admits that he's not being rational, that he doesn't think he's going to survive this, that this is not a good idea. it would go against sokka's entire modus operandi if he brought the children who he feels a deep, presiding responsibility to protect on a suicide mission that he's lowkey hoping will fail (because he not so secretly loves courting death. it's like she's the moon or something). he only lets zuko come with him because he doesn't actually care whether zuko lives or dies at this point. sokka has absolutely no faith in zuko whatsoever (and frankly, why would he, zuko has yet to actually prove himself to him. he didn't even kill combustion man; sokka did) so he has no idea that zuko is actually going to be helpful and supportive in a meaningful way. and frankly, if he had known that at the beginning, or even remotely liked zuko as a person, he probably wouldn't have caved so easily when zuko invited himself to join. if he didn't think that zuko was objectively worse than him and basically worthless as a human being, i doubt he would have let himself be so vulnerable with zuko in the first place. meanwhile zuko is eating it up bc he's like "omg he's confiding in me he's letting me help him we're basically besties" because he doesn't actually know sokka well enough to realize that sokka doesn't actually do that shit with people he remotely respects. shit like "my first girlfriend turned into the moon" and "i had a feeling this was going to be a one way trip" are simply not things that sokka would say out loud 98% of the time. the fact that he is admitting something real is not a testament to the trust he places in zuko, but rather the opposite. sokka spilling his guts (you know, for him) to his resident collateral damage, sokka bringing his lovingly crafted space sword on this mission, sokka not even confirming whether or not his father is actually there beforehand – he's simply stopped giving a fuck, he doesn't care whether or not he lives to see another day, because to him, he has nothing left to lose.

but of course, that also isn't true at all. i mean, for one thing, zuko still needs to teach aang firebending, so he does serve a pretty important function to the group, and zuko simply telling him to do hot squats in his absence does not qualify as significant tutelage. but also, even more importantly, sokka is integral to the fabric of the group. when he's gone for a day in "sokka's master" they literally all just shut down and start complaining about how much they miss him (we don't actually see any b-roll of the gaang hanging around the western air temple because the episode is simply too busy for that, so who can say whether the same thing occurs twice). sokka cannot afford to simply die just because his first plan failed, he still has a major responsibility to his friends. fucking idiot. i've said before that sokka has the emotional resilience of like. a pathetic wet newborn kitten caught in the rain. but like, come on man. i mean, as someone who has also suffered from debilitating perfectionist issues and never had to be responsible for a failed military invasion that cost my people their freedom, i do get it, but still. not his best moment. although there is something genuinely admirable about the fact that after he finds suki, he decides that saving suki is enough, and genuinely does want to succeed in his mission going forward. like his love for suki is one of the only things that consistently makes him happy and makes him forget that his greatest dream in life is to be murdered, and that's so beautiful to me.

the entire point of this episode, by the way, is that sokka is wrong. if that isn't obvious. sokka's entire worldview, that he only has value insofar as he exists to provide for others, and if he fails to protect people in any capacity, he has fundamentally failed to uphold the one reason he even exists on this earth, and thus he does not deserve to exist unless he is bearing the weight of everyone's suffering or otherwise proving his worth through sacrificing himself for others, is um. fucking stupid???? and incorrect. and stupid. the thing is, unlike zuko, sokka can't really point to any one person who taught him to see himself this way. he can't just face his father and tell him that his abuse was cruel and wrong, because hakoda is a good father who has never not supported and believed in and encouraged him, done everything in his power to protect him, loved him unconditionally. hakoda has inadvertently damaged sokka's psyche in various ways, of course, but never with any intention to hurt him. like, ozai tried to kill zuko, on multiple occasions. it's a pretty obvious indicator of the primary source of harm in his life. but sokka is equally if not more Unwell, and there's no one single figure he can blame, because his complex lies within a tangled web of what my best friend fanon calls the "massive psychoexistential complex" of the colonized subject. he is being dehumanized not through interpersonal abuse, but through the violent logic of imperialism. sokka's formative traumas inform his psychology as he understands that he only has value insofar as he is protecting the people he loves (namely his sister) from being murdered by imperialists, much like his mother did. and that logic is continually reified through the violence he is being subjected to, until he truly absorbs the belief that his life has no value on its own, that he is genuinely Less than [human] in some fundamental way. which is obviously deeply tragic, but also lowkey kind of comical because he also happens to be the specialest boy in the world, who literally did come up with multiple working escape plans at the world's most secure supermax on the fly, mind you! but whenever anyone tries to point that out, including piandao literally saying "you're the most exceptional and worthy person i've ever met in my life" sokka is just like "um. that is incorrect actually." like NO ONE should depersonalize themselves and feel that their only value lies in their ability to serve and sacrifice themselves for others, but it's especially ironic that sokka literally does not think he has any value as a human being, and yet he is also objectively exceptional. like, do you understand why i adore this character so much. do you.

anyway. the point of this episode isn't that sokka has worth because he's exceptional, either. that's lowkey the point of "sokka's master," but also a) sokka doesn't really internalize it and b) the more important part of the episode lies in how much the gaang just misses his company because they miss their neurotic control freak big brother who makes bad jokes. but even if he couldn't come up with multiple working escape plans on the fly, suki and zuko still stay by his side anyway because they care about him. they are demonstrating that they would risk their safety and possibly even their lives, in the exact way that sokka is always trying to for everyone else, for him. that sokka doesn't need to be the one who always protects everyone else, and that he isn't a failure for letting people who care about him help him and protect him. and sokka has to accept their help, because suki and zuko are simply too stubborn not to force him into letting them support him. they are standing in a literal maximum security prison in the middle of a volcano and they are still choosing to prioritize sokka's mental health and wellbeing, which is honestly crazy, but also exactly what he needs in this moment. suki has known sokka for what, 3 days maximum? yes they're soulmates but like, girl get up. and in zuko's case, "girl get up" is magnified tenfold, because he literally risked his life to go with him to the boiling rock (also largely motivated by the guilt of not being able to stage his own prison break with iroh, but still!) and let himself get imprisoned despite being the fire nation's most wanted criminal, stayed by sokka's side no matter what including getting thrown into a literal torture chamber for him, jumped across a gaping boiling chasm with no guarantee that he'd survive except for the implicit expectation that sokka would catch him on the other side. like zuko is so fucking pussywhipped and sokka didn't even value him as a human being until like halfway through their entire mission. insane.

in conclusion: "the boiling rock" is a beautiful story of the most mentally ill boy on the planet (he took first place ever since jet died rip jet forever in our hearts), and his two ride or die bitches who he met like yesterday, and also his dad, and a casual homophobe named chit sang, all working together to demonstrate to him why killing yourself is a bad idea in most cases, probably. it's also the story of the most insane dyke drama of all time, but that's for another post (of which i have of course made multiple, most recently, here). i said it's the apotheosis of sokka's arc, and by that i mean it's the most overt acknowledgement of what his fundamental issue is, and the first steps one must take in actually resolving it (namely, accepting help and support from your peers and loved ones). do i think that sokka is magically cured after returning from the boiling rock? no, probably not (in fact, because i'm somewhat sick & twisted myself, i like to imagine that once the war ends, he actually gets worse). but he does seem genuinely happier after they return. and maybe that's just bc kyoshi warrior pussy hits different, but like. he was able to rely on others for help (including mai my best friend mai) who supported him unconditionally and prevented him from simply giving up, and that's so incredibly important. that kind of support is always important, to everyone, of course, but as we've established, it's especially important to sokka specifically, at his lowest (quite possibly ever), in this situation. no one has an obligation to risk their life for someone else, but sokka is something who thinks that his purpose is to risk his life for other people (namely katara), and so for people who really have nothing to gain and everything to lose in standing by and promising not to leave without him, to actually show that they support him unconditionally is huge. if sokka has no fans then i am dead and so is suki zuko hakoda toph aang piandao iroh the mechanist etc etc etc. perfect episode <3

#suicide / #writergracethepanda #asks #analysis #sokka #sokkaxsuki #cinematic masterpiece the boiling rock part 2 #(technically i use that tag to talk about maizulee but swagever) #this post is basically just stream of consciousness unstructured rambling so i hope you find it valuable in some way... #at this point i've given up on trying to do Readings of and make Arguments about sokka #and i'm just rambling. i posted a whole fucking. ACTUAL essay about him yesterday and no one read it #but this is not that. this is. who even knows. it's certainly not an ''essay'' #my thesis statement: i love sokka so much #my body paragraphs: hes a weak willed mentally ill fucking IDIOT #just trust me ok. trust the process

[littlespidermonkey]

I think in the universe where the Cullens aren't in Forks, Bella Swan takes a while to come out of her shell, but when she does, she's witty and passionate and smart as a whip, even if she's still quiet and reserved. She sits with Jessica Stanley, who demands the best of everyone, and tells her friends about her boyfriend down on the rez, who is sweet and caring and funny and good with his hands, who works for everything he's ever had.

After class, during a sleepover, Bella whispers to tell Angie and Jess about the night after prom, even though her father, loving and careless, worries about her only a normal amount and loves Jacob Black like his own. When she gets into Dartmouth--all by herself, through study sessions in garages and with Jessica and in Angela's house--she chooses to go to Stanford instead. She misses the heat and light on her skin, even after falling in love with the rain. Jessica comes with her; Angela and Eric go to U of Washington in Seattle instead, for education and journalism respectively.

Bella makes sure to call every week and then one day she drives down to Seattle and her boyfriend, warm like the sun she loves and at least twice as reliable, becomes her fiancé. The ring isn't especially big or ornate or pricey, but the way she smiles could trick anyone into thinking that it was. All of her friends, new and old, are waiting at the small party afterwards, and Bella laughs the entire time. The engagement cake--chocolate, her favourite--is sweet and moist against her tongue.

She moves back to Forks once she gets her masters in information sciences and becomes the town's librarian. She gets married a month before the move, barefoot in the surf and her old prom dress, both her parents weeping with joy and Billy Black beaming damn near as bright as his son, Sue Clearwater holding his hand.

She raises her kids --both beautiful children, blessed with Jake's thick, long hair--with Angela and Eric's and takes them down to Los Angeles to visit their auntie Jess and her husband Quil, who lavishes them with gifts from her career as a top surgeon. She jokes about having to support Quil's career as an environmental lawyer and displays each and every one of his wins alongside her diplomas. When William Black II decides he wants to be a doctor too, she writes him a shining letter of recommendation to her alma mater. Sarah, who has always been the spitting image of her father, joins and eventually takes over Jacob's mechanic shop.

On occasion, Bella fights with Jacob, even though he's the love of her life. Despite this, she is never afraid of him, and he never stops her from doing what she wants. Instead, he goes out and works on his cars and comes back in an hour later with slightly greasy hands and a bouquet of flowers from Emily Young's little garden, planted to celebrate her cousin Leah Uley's wedding. Bella makes him muffins, recipe courtesy of Sue and missing bites courtesy of Seth, Colin, Sarah, Will, and Claire, with raspberries, not blueberries, just how Jake likes them. They make up, and they make changes, and they go on.

Eventually, both slower and quicker than she realizes, Bella gets old. She lives in fear of losing herself, of losing her husband and her children, like her grandmother had. But she remembers her grandkids to the very end, even gets to meet her first great-grandchild a week before it happens. Her heart gives out before her brain does, too weak and too slow.

It was too full of love, the letter from Jacob says. Sarah reads it. Her father passed a day after his wife--simply too heartbroken to live without her. Much of the town of Forks and hordes of family attend their funeral, remembering a life well lived.

It is an unremarkable life, in the grand scheme of things. She does not live to be a thousand; she is no great beast, with speed like the wind and strength; she does not discover her powers or lead a great defiance. Bella Black, happy and human and surrounded by love, could never imagine wanting anything else.

#lee's wild scribbles #team jacob #twilight saga #jacob x bella #swanblack #tw: food #OK! that's all the tags for searching so now it's time for the really important tags: me rambling #this was extremely stream of consciousness pls be nice #it was also supposed to come with a lil video like my other little ficlet for this fandom but tumblr wasn't feeling it #also i have not edited this and i'm not going to so if you see a typo you keep that shit to yourself #this was written kind of as a reflection on how bella lowkey chooses to sacrifice so much of what makes life good to me in favour of edward #and how she like. gives up her personhood and future to be his and has no friends outside of the cullens and jake #(who is essentially being held hostage by reenactment) #twilight has such a weird relationship with f3minism. i should write about that at some point #(also this is not tikt0k. i censor words so that they don't turn up in tags bc i doubt ppl in the f3minism tag are looking for twilight fic

[milkbreadtoast]

ppl who talk/leave nice comments in the tags on art u r the backbone and lifeblood of tumblr 😢 <33 🛐🫶🫰

#u guys alone r what have kept me on this site all these years #its sad bc i noticed that after the 'tumblr exodus' far less ppl leave comments in the tags on art #but for the few ppl who do #U R THE LIFEBLOOD OF THIS SITE #u r angels #i love u😢🫶 #me taking this to the extreme and writing an entire essay (more like stream of consciousness rant) in the tags whenever i post smth #but yea keeping this in mind is why i always try to comment smth in the tags when i rb art :') #cuz i know how much i love it when ppl do it for me...

[deathskrang]

i think about zim and the tallest and their inherently, nearly parasitic relationship to each other a lot.

i think about how all of them are, objectively, mostly blind to this fact as well, zim blinded by the swift and stark obedience that he performs under the delusion that he is doing something for the good of his leaders and his empire, and the tallest blinded by their total arrogance and rage over the fact that zim cannot read any of their cues that he is a nuisance. still, it is so obvious that the back and forth is there.

i know that this particular example probably wasn't purposeful in florpus and was mostly just so the audience could see dib's point and the narrative similarities between zim and him, but i think a lot about zim's silence when dib says, "you know, my dad doesn't appreciate what i do, either" after zim explains how the tallest are not coming to bring him back home. i think a lot about that. the impact and the implications behind one simple sentence from dib. i imagine, to zim, this sort of felt like a slap in the face. the first word besides "my tallest" that's ever explained how zim wants them, how zim, in his own way, almost loves them. and it's a word from earth. it's a word that implies a built in, unconditional caring between human beings. it's a word that zim had just said in a mocking tone of voice to dib moments ago in reference to his plan to replace his real dad. and, suddenly, in a single instance, the weight of the word has seemed to hit him.

i think the saddest part of this parallel is that dib has the understanding that because he and his dad are biologically related, unconditional love is the expected thing, it's the supposed natural progression of things. zim and the tallest, though—they don't have any of that. you could argue that they're barely even acquaintances. there is no understanding of what is supposed to happen with them. there is no built in hope of having them step up to the plate the way dib hopes with his dad. i don't think zim truly understands this, though. as if zim can completely comprehend isolation. isn't that apart of an invader's duty? isn't that what he was trained to do? and isn't zim an invader? isn't he?

after all of this, after all of florpus, long after dib had first used that word, dad, in relation to the tallest, how dib said his dad doesn't appreciate what he does, one of the last things zim asks the tallest as he is witnessing their last moments across that transmission is: does this please you? in other words, do you appreciate what i have done for you?

dialogue wise, this is emotionally wrecking enough, but i think, visually, it is equally if not more disarming and depressing. i really, really, really love the imagery of the scene right before it cuts to the tallest burning in their puppet florpus flames. because it's a silly visual gag, yes, two flailing tallest puppets—but zim talking to two distorted tallest silhouettes, not noticing (or, rather, caring about) the difference between this and their usual way of appearing when they're in a transmission—zim talking to a literal representation of how the tallest have always existed in his head, as two distorted silhouettes, as delusions—that is insanely succinct in describing the true detriment of zim and the tallest's relationship to each other, at least to me.

this is, in my opinion, the most fucked up imagery in florpus, maybe even the entire series to me—and, most likely, none of the invader zim crew meant it to come across quite like that. zim's performance of normalcy in the face of what he is unaware is the tallest's last living moments. the delayed video feed in the transmission, shortly followed by complete and utter panic from the tallest, who were possibly oblivious to the fact that zim had even contacted them amongst their chaos. zim almost seeming as if he is staring at his own reflection in the screen rather than right at the tallest. a physical representation of what their entire relationship has been built on since the beginning—a blurry idea, a vague delusion of a bond that is in actuality no more than a fatal, life long misunderstanding on each end. it's the most palpably gut wrenching thing in the whole film for me, and i don't care that none of it was probably meant to pack that type of punch. it's always hit me hard.

#invader zim #zim #the tallest #tallest red #tallest purple #dib membrane #my return to tumblr after four months is an unnecessarily long and half assed spiral about unintentional angst #i never talk about my perspective of things within canon publicly but i think So Much about zim and the tallest #i only ever ramble about this type of thing in private with my equally as insane friends #a lot of this is actually strung together direct from many conversations about this topic with friends lmfao #i looooove constructing my stream of consciousness thoughts into actually coherent things #also doubt that anybody is gonna gaf about this post or these tags but pls don't tag as prazr lol #i like my zims to suffer the way jhonen intended #free of any romantic attachment and solely within his own strained view of the world

[bonnie-bug]

I know I’ve seen it somewhere before (most likely here on tumblr) but i AM obsessed with the idea of a muppets version of good omens where the human characters are all played by muppets and aziraphale and crowley are played by humans who are very clearly controlling muppet versions of themselves as their corporations but the muppets only ever directly address the muppet corporations. as far as they can see aziraphale and crowley are also only muppets

moreover I am EXTRA obsessed with the idea that aziraphale and crowley. also keep up the muppeteering when alone with each other. their muppets are their corporations how they interact with the earth and they interact with each other while within these corporations. but when you can literally see their true (human) forms looming over their dinky little flesh (felt) bodies it adds a new level of hilarity

I cant tell which would be funnier: if, when talking to each other, they looked each other dead in the eyes while making their muppets also look at each other, or if they ALSO pretended the other was only a muppet and utterly ignored their true human forms

that being said I think for the drunk scene they should be slugging back actual glasses of wine in one hand and just very sloppily controlling their muppet selves with the other. the muppets have little fake glasses of wine too obvi

with tracy aziraphale just takes over as her muppeteer she just sometimes moves and talks on her own. all the other angels and demons are just humans but when on earth the angels have muppets and the demons have really shitty hand puppets. they just stand there holding the muppets/puppets they dont make them move and act. aziraphale and crowley are thought to be very weird and creepy for doing so with theirs

the horsepersons…. I think they start with muppets only but you can see there’s sticks or wires or whatever controlling their limbs. and them when they start to come into their power suddenly they’re being controlled by a person. and when they go full Horsepersons Of The Apocalypse they’re fully human (in form). except for death. death is identical to tv canon bc he’s the one who hides his true nature the least. and he’s creepier that way

with adam? I think he’s just an uncomfortably human looking muppet. his face is more normally proportioned. his felt is a very human beigey tan. his hands are uncomfortably dextrous like the swedish chef’s. maybe when he comes into his powers he starts looking less and less like a muppet and more and more like a human until it culminates in something dead center in the uncanny valley for both humans and muppets. and then after he tells satan to fuck off he suddenly looks almost perfectly muppet normal with only a twinge of almost-human-y since he still has at least Some powers

in terms of the muppet casting I have no idea who should be whom jdjdbdkd maybe miss piggy for anathema and kermit for newt, mostly bc they’re arguably the main human (adult) characters and it’s funny to me to call a frog “newt”. however this version does not include the all-but-onscreen sex scene okay we do not need to see that. it fades to black just like in the book thank you ❤️

also to be clear all the angels and demons and in particular aziraphale and crowley are all still dressed like in canon. when their wings show up their human true form also has wings. crowley puts on sunglasses on his human self before digging out a tiny pair of muppet sized ones and putting it in his muppet hand to put on his muppet face. yknow. stuff like that

#yes I’m putting way too much thought into something I literally will never do anything with shut up jdbdbdkd #this ordinarily would be shared with my friends or something but my brain has so many worms in it rn and refuses to let me socialize #so instead u get to see my stream of consciousness shitposting directly on ur dash. you’re welcome ❤️ #good omens #muppets #muppet au #the bon speaks #having one human try to accurately control a muppet doesnt Really make logistic sense I know but shhhh #I know with most larger muppets u need two people to control them one with the mouth and one arm and someone else with the other arm but #idk. maybe they can manage to use two of those sticks in one hand kdjdbdk #every dramatic scene just becomes 1000% funnier when u imagine it happening with each of them holding a muppet version of himself #again! I will do nothing with this au! but I must think out every angle for it regardless alas #anyway hope u enjoyed my rambling abt gomens but muppets jdbdvdnd #if u read all the post and all these tags I give u a kees on the forehead (• ε •)

[iguessigotta]

Thinking about sitting by the fire with Benjen 😭 💖

You two used to sit here often, his hands running up and down your arms to keep you warm. He'd chuckle lightly every time you shivered, pulling you impossibly closer to his chest. The fireplace wasn't entirely needed - he ran so warm you used to call him your own personal heater (the first time you called him that, the loveliest shade of pink crept across his cheeks. You'd grinned as he graced you with a breathy laugh and opened his cloak, inviting you in).

Now, though, it's you warming him. Ever since he came back to Castle Black (while helping cover patrols atop the wall, you'd spotted him lingering at the edge of a nearby copse of trees, firing an arrow into the ground near his feet when he turned to leave. He'd spun back towards the wall, his eyes snapping up to you with an eerie precision) he'd been...different. Not in attitude - though he was a bit more sullen - but his appearance and body temperature. You couldn't put your finger on what it was about him that looked so different (a lie you repeated to yourself when really you knew - he looked like a frozen corpse.) The thought made you shudder. You couldn't imagine being so thoroughly frozen, inside and out. You've brought yourself to tears a few times, trying to wrap your mind around his suffering.

So. Now. The two of you sit in front of the same fireplace you'd sat at so many times before, atop furs and wrapped in an absolutely massive blanket (a handmade gift from Sansa, for "Uncle Benjen and his Caretaker". The playful jab made you laugh upon reading it, having already wrapped yourself in the blanket, grateful to know someone as kind as she has always been) He leans into you, exhaling as another shiver runs through him, his cold breath leaving goosebumps on your neck. You run your hands across his back, up and down his arms. You rake your fingers through his hair, brush them against his cheeks. Occasionally he catches your wrist to tug your hand to his lips, placing a kiss there so gentle it nearly makes you sob. You hold him tighter each time, swearing to whatever gods might be listening that you will find a way to help him.

At the moment though, the two of you are exhausted, content simply holding and being held.

You warm him.

#don't ask me what happened here this is just a stream of consciousness thing fueled by weed and Yearning #been watching game of thrones #benjen just popped up for the first time in a bajillion years and MAN #I forgot how much I loved him ;-; will he ever forgive me #anyway tags time #benjen x male reader #uncle benjen x reader #benjen x reader #benjen stark x reader #game of thrones x reader #game of thrones x male reader #got x reader #got x you #got x y/n #game of thrones x y/n #benjen x y/n #game of thrones imagines #benjen imgaines #stark imagines #night's watch imagines #night's watch x reader #night's watch x male reader #fluff tag #benjen fluff #slightly angsty but ssshhh #btw we do not disrepect Sansa Stark in this house #it's really Yearning Hours boys #what a way for me to wrap up 4/20 #being sappy about Benjen #no beta we die like men

[dumb-doll-lips]

So the guy I was today, has the fun mix of taking control and being rough w me, but also makes me feel like he feels lucky to get to be w me. Idk how to describe it. But like I notice it from the comparison to other men, but like how he compliments me and my body def feels like he’s like maybe appreciating that he gets to fuck me more. I feel that from some other guys too, but it’s such a consistent thing w him. And it’s def nice.

#like kinda think some guys I’ve seen before like intentionally didn’t compliment much bc of things being casual #if I did even the slightest fishing for something I’d get it #but they never just said anything #I feel sure in one case it was bc of the causal and seeing other people kind of set up #i got the feeling he wasn’t as about that #so I think that played into him trying to keep things w us in a little box #idk #I just like rambling about what I’m thinking #tag are for stream of consciousness-ing imo lol #slutting #🍭 #was 🍹more in the tags

[57sfinest]

Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Harry Du Bois/Jean Vicquemare Characters: Harry Du Bois, Jean Vicquemare, Chester McLaine, Mack Torson Additional Tags: Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicidal Thoughts, Canon-Typical Behavior, Pre-Martinaise Harry Du Bois, Pre-Martinaise Harry Du Bois Is an Asshole, Codependency, Unhealthy Relationships, Substance Abuse, Emotional Manipulation, just typical shit for them., Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, there's a lot of talk of suicide and violent impulses etc so please take this warning seriously, their relationship is very complicated., Implied Sexual Content, doesnt explicitly go any further than undressing but it's implied

Summary:

He imitates cocking a gun with his free hand and holds it to his head. “Y’know those fuckin’, dollhouse type murders? Posed up like they’re waiting for you. I’m gonna stage it. Give ‘em a fucking scavenger hunt or something.” This, unfortunately, is not difficult to imagine him doing. “And you’ll kill yourself when they find you?” He nods slowly, thoughtfully. “There’s an idea,” He says, staring into the bottle he’s holding. “I meant I’d already have blown my fucking brains out, but that’s something. You’re a natural, Vic. You should do it with me. Really give ‘em something to fuckin’ remember.”

#okay you fucking animals. eat up #harry du bois #jean vicquemare #kiwipost #my fic #jeanharry #i guess it's time to give em the tag huh. #this is 11k words of pure stream of consciousness jh toxicity so sorry if its like. weird #it's purely a braindump #disco elysium #disco elysium fic #i had SO much fun making this. and now i have another one to finish #pls reblog if u can. i want to talk to people about this one #EGOIEGOHIENLK

[centipedelightning]

uhhhh writing thing ignore this.

Red laid down next to you. you were still deliriously grumbling to him about how you don’t want to fall asleep. You don’t want the nightmares to come back. you’re too tired to sleep.

“if yer so dead set on not sleeping how about you focus on somthin.” he turns and lays on his side facing you.

“yeah…. yeah yeah. then i won’t sleep. good plan good… plan.” you uncurl a bit from for ball to be able to see his face. your eyes start focusing on little cracks and scratches in his skull. it’s calming.

you don’t really notice Red squint in thought. you see it sure, but it doesn’t register. Slowly he lifts his his hard and rests it on the side of your face.

“what… what do you want red? your face scrunches a bit trying to get his hand off. he’s sending a lot of mixed signals. you thought he hated you a second ago. why is he being so soft with you?

“ya want to stay awake yeah? well then you should close your eyes.” if you were lucid you’d realize that’s bullshit, but you’re not and decide to try. it takes a lot of effort to remain aware of your surroundings.

“see, that helps right?” his thumb starts moving and gently, he strokes your cheek. you start drifting off before you shake yourself awake, and jerk your head a bit to try and get his hand off.

“hey hey shhh,” not that you realize but he’s talking to you like a horse, “there’s no need fer all that. you said you want to stay awake, i’m trying to help you out.”

you start grumbling again, not really words as much as noises, and Red starts lightly stroking your face with his thumb. as he sees your shoulders slump and face relax, he moves his hand to trace more of your face. he’s doing with such a delicacy, that you’d think he was trying to memorize every scar, bump, and wrinkle in your skin. maybe he was.

you lay in your bed fighting sleep in fear of the nightmares that reside there, until something just washes away. some haunting feeling leaves. it’s not chased away. it’s slower than that. whatever Red is doing is taking that pollution away like the sea takes sand. slowly as the tides ebb and flow sand will be washed out to sea. some will be put back. but the grains will be gone with the next wave.

feeling Red’s fingers memorize the features of your face brings some peace you don’t feel very often. you dont even feel that afraid of sleeping right now. with that realization, you start drifting off into a peaceful, quiet, sleep.

#•centipede writes• #nqr tag #uf!sans #possible chapter tag #wrote this at one in the morning #i’m so sleepy #not proof reading sorry #this isn’t supposed to be a fic or anything #just a stream of consciousness #i think i’m gonna turn off reblogs but if you really want it on lmk #i don’t care that much tbh

[prisonguards]

Trying and failing not to think about how every. single. duos. potential win would be made infinitely sexier if the bonds break in the end when I’m an angst and tragedy enjoyer

Tango and Jimmy… forced to kill their partner, the only one who has uplifted them every step of the way, believed in them when no one else would, stood up for eachother through thick and thin. It would break them. They would be inconsolable. Like first of all it would be no small miracle for them to be the final two standing, but just the absolutely crushing devastation. All their joy immediately decimated when the bond breaks and they realize what has to be done. It would have to be a Scarian-style thinly veiled self-sacrifice from one of them because I don’t think they could have the heart to do it for real, to actually fight eachother to the death.

Ren and Bigb… their messy on and off again relationship coming to a head. Could they really ever amicably come back together? After all their issues they’re always reunited by convenience, but will those feelings and frustrations and fears that we saw at Scott’s Relationship Ranch surface again? Will they make a honorable fight of it, or will Ren’s rage and Bigb’s resentment surface again? They were always so good at making issues with eachother when there weren’t really any there...

The Divorce Quartet would all make such interesting face-offs, because it shows the defeat of the system set in place. Cleo or Scott would have already lost their chosen soulmate, so maybe it would be easier for them, less feelings to get in the way of the job that has to be done.

Cleo and Martyn… wouldn’t it be such a grand show of valor, as the Soulbound who couldn’t provide, who endangered his partner, for Martyn to sacrifice himself? To let Cleo win? Though he was never very good at giving Cleo what she wanted or needed or asked for, he always was a bit too selfish, despite what hes always thought

Scott and Pearl… Scott doesn’t seem to think they’re making it to the end again, he’s said he’d rather kill himself than let Pearl wreck havoc as Red. But if they did make it to the end… the hatred between them is so much. Pearl has no sense of self preservation, she would take so many risks, so it could go either way. She could either win because of her lack of hesitation, or not be careful enough and slip that way. Also the concept of a repeat winner in Scott has me shaking, to be the champion of the traffic games by rejecting the very rules each set in place (Boogey and Soulbounds)… It would be incredible.

Joel and Etho… well they’re repeating fate. Last Life again, instead of the others who will repeat 3rd Life. An even more familiar memory. But Joel has been so loyal all season, so loudly devout. When they have to fight, will Joel continue to show servitude, or will his bloodlust get the better of him? Will Etho be able to turn fate and defeat him this time, or will he be forced to relieve it exactly the same? Their fight in Last Life was so satisfying to me too, it would just be a joy to watch them fight no-holds-barred again.

And those who would have to repeat 3rd Life…

Bdubs and Impulse… oh wouldn’t it just be everything? Wouldn’t it just be beautiful? I’ve seen the dash theorizing about Bdubs betrayal all night already, and I’m with you guys, narratively it would be beautiful. A clock couldn’t really save Impulse… Oooh to be doomed to repeat fate, oooh for Bdubs to prove himself a betrayer once again, after all that love. Oooooh for Impulse to either lay down his life and let it happen again, prove his love, or to reject his repeated fate, turn on Bdubs first or harder, not letting himself make the same mistake twice (not the lack of the clock, it was just trusting Bdubs)

Scar and Grian… Scar and Grian.

It seems like this whole game was set up so what happened in 3rd Life could never happen again. So Grian wouldn’t have to beg the ghosts that couldn’t just the both of them win it together? And for that to collapse at the very last moment, to prove that it will always come back to this, that there will always only be one, no matter what the games seem to promise…

It was set up so 3rd Life could never happen again, so Grian wouldn’t have to kill Scar again in the very end, but they’ve been on the rocks the entire game. Grian’s been trying to outrun what fate has given him again, a physical tether to Scar this time, instead of just one of obligation. He’s been trying to outrun it, and now he finally has his out, he’s no longer bound with Scar.

He just has to do it again.

And the result either way, if he repeats it, if he becomes the trafficgames champion, by having to strike down his oldest ally both times… or if he can’t do it again. If instead of Scar hitting at air and letting Grian overtake him, after already offering up his life before the fight, if Grian takes the fall. He lets Scar have this one. His obligation over, his service of a life. They’re even now.

#double life smp #dlsmp #trafficblr #desert duo #<- tagging them cause I went the most deranged abt them. sorry #this ones just a complete 1 am stream of consciousness ramble guys #you can see Im a repeating fate and self sacrifice enjoyer sorry I repeated that sm #language in this esp the desert duo part is influenced by meta by habeascorpseus *thumbs up smiiile* #I cannot possibly credit all the bdubs theorizing that was going on on the dash tonight #there was so much and I didnt save any of it but it was fun :) great ideas yall #that said #I try not to theorize or engage much with theories cause I dont wanna get my hopes up abt things that Will Not happen #but I couldnt help myself really. I sent a 7+ minute voice ramble to my best friend and decided I had to write my thoughts out for real #but maybe think of this as a sexy au instead of like an actual 'I want/need this to happen.' #also I Am caught up with every single persons pov for double life. but these are just my personal reads on the dynamics so #not the end all be all #my meta #prisspeaks

[iamaweirdbeing]

i think its interesting (and infuriating) that in dc basically all of the popular queer characters who have canon romantic subplots are either villains or its a hero/vigilante with a civilian

maybe i just generally dislike most hero/civilian ships bc usually they lack a certain level of communication and understanding of each other’s circumstances but also the villainization of queer people and the lack of queer relationships between heroes when in dc most of the romantic relationships are between heroes/heroes or heroes/villains or anti-heroes pisses me off

this isn’t me being against the existing queer relationships like representation is representation but still I feel like this applies especially considering so many of dc’s queer characters are characters that aren’t really “main characters” if that makes sense

also make dick grayson canonically queer already we all know

#dc #batman #superman #justice league #nightwing #dick grayson #dc robin #wonder woman #green lantern #the flash #idk what else to tag this off the top of my head #this is a stream of consciousness #also consistent queercoding is ignored to much

[curiosity-killed]

on the bright side, i got the work done i needed to get done post-teaching AND finished the scene i was noodling on in the plant fic i accidentally restarted and my single glass of wine post-dinner is having the intended soporific effect

on the downside. i so so so so so so badly don't want to have a meeting at 8 AM with a client who i am mostly neutral towards but about a project that is the bane of my existence atm

#WHY did i offer an early meeting #i KNOW its bc i feel bad for folks outside of eastern time zone always getting shafted with shitty meeting times #but for fucks sake #8 AM #and i have another client meeting immediately after!!! #i will be SO useless tomorrow #and i have not been particularly. sparkling. for the last week #that isn't totally true i am in fact really fucking good at my job #to the point that no one notices when i slack off and spend an entire tuesday afternoon doodling #BUT STILL #i have to fill out my timesheets! i'm so behind in expense reports!! hnnnnnnnnnnnnnn #personal #anyway. #my current wips are tcp revisions + trigun girlies terrible road trip #and APPARENTLY tristamp plant fic (but with the rotisserie chicken heart bodies and wings bc. i have taste) #and i am actually slowly chipping away at all of them #which is a mild but pleasant surprise #i read so much fic today #god i do not have the motivation to fight the gravity drawing me deeply into my very thin couch cushions #this futon really has not held up well considering its. only 2 years old #if u sit in the middle it literally is painful #no thanks to baloo aggressively deforming the cleft between cushions #okay. enough stream of consciousness tags. it is time. i am Going to Get Up #hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnmdsfgkhad

[ante--meridiem]

Extremely aware that ignoring [redacted]'s messages is just going to make it worse when I eventually do have to respond again but god damn it, even my closest friends don't expect daily replies from me, this is ridiculous, being in another country for the month should be giving me more peace than this.

#Still about the situation. What else. #I did once have one friend who texted me multiple times a day but he *got* that I wouldn't always respond #So the texts were just stream of consciousness updates not pressuring me to constantly talk #I didn't use to understand why some people have a problem with double texting but this is really. Stop It. #So yeah. You are expecting more communication from me than any person I've ever *wanted* to talk to has ever gotten Cut It Out #Personal #Whining #I've been avoiding coining a tag for the situation on the premise that I wouldn't be posting that much about it but since I guess I am #The landlord situation #Is now blockable for anyone who's sick of hearing about it

[tilapia-goulash]

I've gotta say, out of all the MXTX novels, MDZS definitely feels the most "different" to me. Is it a bad thing? Not really. Is it just because of my own biased perception (MDZS was the novel I read last)? Maybe. But as I've thought about it more, I've realized the main thing for me that really separates MDZS from the other two novels isn't its more surface level differences (different flavor of ML, more political drama-y, arguably good sex, etc etc) but rather one simple thing: the scale.

TGCF and SVSSS are stories that have larger scales by necessity of the plot. SVSSS not only has its main setting introduced as a book summary, but is also meant to be a parody of an existing genre, so it stands to reason there'd be the odd worldbuilding monologue where Shen Qingqiu curses out Airplane for his bad writing and whatnot. Worldbuilding is the primary tool through which the reality of Proud Immortal Demon Way as a setting (that being that it's a shoddily written but still fully system-expanded porn novel) is communicated to the audience.

TGCF is about a wandering banished god and a ghost king, so of course there's going to be lore about different kingdoms they've gone through and their histories with each other. Of course there's going to be a general picture painted of all three realms of this world and what each is like. Of course some defining points of our leads' character journeys are when one couldn't prevent a whole kingdom from collapsing and the other was rebirthed in a volcano as an unimaginably powerful super being. It's a fantasy novel. It only makes sense.

In contrast, though, MDZS feels incredibly zoomed in. All of the conflicts are between individual people or clans of maybe 50-100. There aren't any threats to the world at large (aside from maybe the criticized aspects of society like mob mentality and whatnot, depending on how you view it) and, hell, we don't even know what the kingdom it takes place in is called! The "world" of MDZS (if it can even be called that, as small as it is) is its own individual entity that isn't really connected to the greater universe around it. There's barely any worldbuilding at all--aside from the clan-sect thing, it's a bog standard cultivation setting, and there's no "wider impact" of any of the events of the story* outside the people the story chooses to focus on, because, simply put, there doesn't need to be.

In that way, it definitely makes sense that MDZS has the biggest impact on a lot of people. A smaller scale and more personal stakes might make the story feel more grounded and easy to connect with than, say, a giant statue kaiju mecha battle. (Absolutely no disrespect to the giant statue kaiju mecha battle from me, though. That shit was great)

Also, slight tangent, but this might be part of the reason there are more "serious" crossover fics (i.e. ones with more developed plots then "hey wouldn't it be fun if these characters interacted") between TGCF and MDZS than anything involving SVSSS. MDZS's lack of real connection to everything outside its story bubble makes it very easy to just drop in as a random thing going on in the background of TGCF, so it's not a big stretch to imagine. Hypothetically, this would also work with dropping MDZS into the world of SVSSS, but the tones of the stories are so wildly different that they feel a bit harder to reconcile.

In the end, though, it is still nice to see that even though MXTX has written three cultivation danmeis by now, there's still noticeable variety in not just the stories themselves, but the lenses through which they're told. It makes me very excited for whenever her fourth novel comes out, because because who knows what she'd do with a whole new setting...

#sorry if this doesn't make sense haha #this is definitely more of a stream of consciousness type post #thoughts and things #mdzs #mxtx #mo dao zu shi #this is mostly about mdzs i think #i don't really need to tag the others as much #the real question though is whether i should tag it as meta

[writeouswriter]

*Tosses you all the rough elements and jumbled outline notes of the essay like post I want to do but don’t have the energy to form into coherent full sentences and makes you write the essay yourself in your head*

#work smarter not harder kids #have a couple drafts on different pieces of writing advice that are just a mess of stream of consciousness bullet points for me to clean up #later on but like technically the points *are* there and you can get the gist even if it’s not fully formed but you know #I’m not gonna do that to ya #wish you could read my mind to see my analysis of two topics I really want to get into one being a look at writing grief and the other #being a look at where/why marvel went so spectacularly wrong in their usage of humour and so called whedonistic dialogue and a comparison #of old media vs new media using the same techniques but to different effects because of lack of balance too much of a *good* thing and blah #blah blah my point is not made clear in these tags but in my outlines there is a point and an excuse for me to rave about my forever #hyperfixation of Buffy which is not without its many flaws but which had a handle of the emotional and psychological aspects like no other #but I digress and am not getting into that in the tags good lord but anyway #ignore me go read your essay

[quaintpanic]

5 things I like!

This is a tag game; I was tagged by my sweet cool friend @elegybeatty! This isn't in any particular order or theme.

My buddies! Many cool people here who are doing cool stuff and getting me pumped up. Nothing makes me happier than hanging out with my friends. Everyone I know is pretty great. :)

The imaginary guys in my head who I make up elaborate scenarios about and draw and think about always. I love original characters, be they mine or other people's! It's so cool to have your own little guys. Highly recommend the occasional perusal of the "original character" tag on this site, some really cool shit.

My mom :). She's so cool, you guys. The number one supporter / enabler of my weird little freak behavior.

Flowers! Aren't they neat? I feel so grateful to live in a world full of beautiful things. It's so cool that there are these little colorful things that smell nice. And plants make them for free. That's so cool :). I also really like flower symbolism in art.

Anything that's objectively stupid but is sincere with it. Hard to explain but I think you know it when you see it. Like songs with the dumbest lyrics you've ever heard that are put to super catchy tunes and sung passionately. I appreciate anything / anybody that's silly and isn't insecure about it. I aspire to be like this.

I don't remember who likes tagged and who doesn't. So anybody please feel free to do this if you wanna :)

#tag game #panic talks #don't look too much into what i picked here. i was picking things as i went along lol. very stream-of-consciousness.