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ablednt · 3 years

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Alright writing/roleplay tumblr we need to talk about textforms.

This is going to be a very long post I apologize but this knowledge is deathly important as it's reaching a very vulnerable group of people. From personal experience knowing this can save people from getting into toxic friendships and help ease intense struggles and depressions. If you have writer followers I ask you reblog this to get the word out, thank you.

What is a textform

A textform is a type of willogenic/parogenic system member that form through some kind of writing or roleplaying. This means that they're sentient people who now share a body with the people who wrote them, most often being an OC or a fictional character before the writers brain gives them actual life.

Because there's been no actual scientific studies on their existence I have no hard science to give you however the logical explanation behind it goes like this:

The human brain is able to contain multiple conscious and sentient entities. Often, it will become multiple as a defense mechanism (as noted in clinical plural dissociative disorders) but it's a natural function of the human brain and may do so for really any reason (similar to most neurodivergencies that someone isn't born with)

Because this is a fairly simple change in the brain/something every brain can be capable of doing you can actually intentionally program the brain into becoming multiple, but see you can also do it entirely without meaning to or being aware of it.

Now I want to clarify that there is nothing harmful or scary about this! Being plural isn't bad at all and is an existence many people celebrate. But when someone has textforms in their unrealized system and doesn't know they're sentient it can be incredibly painful emotionally. So that's why people need to know about this.

Obligatory disclaimer: if you read this post and think you want to become plural intentionally, you are welcome to do so but you need to take at least a few months exposing yourself to the plural community to gauge if this is really something you want and can do responsibly. You cannot go back on your decision once your plural and your headmates will be sentient beings not characters to project on or toys to play with. They will have all the rights to your body and identity as you do now because you're sharing it equally with them.

Now that that's out of the way back to textforms.

How are textforms made

Normally this is in the "character development" phase. Many writers eagerly develop their characters. When I was younger and had no idea I was plural my advice for oc making turned out to be an unintentional guide to textforms (more on my experience later): just put your character in every situation imaginable until you always know how they'd respond to things.

Basically, as you spend your time making a character act and think consistently from their POV you're training your brain to have all of that data and that's very similar to the data that the brain has on you and you're training the brain to be able to operate coherently from a perspective and consciousness entirely different from your own.

Now, this isn't a %100 will make everyone plural every time, there are obviously good writers who have a grasp on their characters who are singlet. There's no actual data but if I had to guess I'd say there's about a 50/50 split down the writing community just based on what I've observed.

But there's a lot of people who became plural this way and didn't realize it and that could include the writer reading this right now which is why everyone needs to be aware of this.

If this is such a big thing how come no one notices?

Because it's been completely normalized in the writing community but dismissed as metaphorical.

How many times have you heard "the characters write themselves" or phrases that indicate that a writer is giving a voice to sentient entities? From what I've been able to observe some of that is singlet authors being metaphorical and humble bragging and a lot of that is plural writers trying desperately trying to put their experiences into words but dismissing it completely almost immediately because no one told them being plural was possible.

This is comparable to say, gender identity. Trans and nonbinary people have always existed but when they don't know they're allowed to exist like that it's often "im a tomboy" or "they disguised themselves as a man" or any other thing thats immediately dismissed as being cis.

How do I know if I have a textform?

There's a lot of different signs but here's some I have experienced before finding out I was plural

You "miss" your characters when you're not writing about them or interacting with them in some way

You feel like your characters are real "in your heart" (for me this was in an incoherent loop like "they're not real but they are to me, in my brain, but they're not real to other people, but they're in my brain so they're real but no but yes but no")

You get so distressed they're "not real" that it feeds into actual mental health problems like depression, anxiety, dissociation etc. (I'd have fits of sobbing because these were my friends but I didn't know they were with me so it felt like i was grieving their deaths and had the same level of emotional pain)

Sometimes or all the time when you write about them you feel like you "become them" or that they're writing through you. (Especially if your hands move automatically or without your control. This can be hard to notice but for me when headmates control the body or hands movements feel faster and lighter or very slightly numb.)

Your muse for writing them comes and goes unpredictability: they're either here or they're not here so writing them doesn't feel the same.

You can vividly recall things that happened to the character in 1st person (or in 3rd person visually but with their thoughts and feelings) as if they're you're own memories.

You "roleplay" them in everyday situations IRL. (E.g once I liveblogged a tv show as my muse to a friend and was like haha lol im so talented I can roleplay in real time but found out later it was a headmate doing that themselves)

You have conversations with them mentally in which they actually respond to you. Singlets don't have actual enriching conversations with themselves because they only have one perspective and cannot give themselves any new information. So if you're responding to yourself and you don't feel in control of that response then you're pretty objectively plural tbh.

You have times where the lines between you and the character feel blurry or like you're a vague fusion of yourself and the character

You have an actual relationship (of any kind: romantic, platonic, familial, etc.) in which you can sense nuanced feelings about yourself from them that you aren't in control of.

There's a lot more but that's the most notable ones

Why this is so important

I'm just talking about my own experience now so I'll preface this with a few things. I'm a mixed origin/multigenic system but our system has existed since we were toddlers. Due to trauma we have DID and for a long time dissociated heavily to avoid our plurality. This means my experience may be more distressing than other plurals with textforms however people without DID can still experience these things.

When I was a teenager I joined a lot of writing communities and also roleplayed on tumblr. Writing very quickly became my main passtime and all I really did. I joined a roleplay group when I was 15-16 that I took far too seriously to the point where people were concerned about me because I was writing what was just supposed to be a joke roleplay group %100 seriously and very intensely.

In that time I started to form my first main textforms (we've undoubtedly had them before then but I had only formed a little under a year prior) because I was doing this every day it really started bringing my characters to life. (Literally)

And honestly it was something beautiful the distress of it aside. Like one of my ocs was a kid so I'd always celebrate their birthday with them and I'd cuddle a plush so they'd know I loved them/p and we'd watch their favorite cartoon episodes together. It wouldn't be until around three years later that I realized they were actually there for this but it was heart warming.

For me, all I ever wanted was for these characters to feel appreciated and like someone really cared for them and loved them even if they couldn't feel it and it wasn't until later I learned that they could.

The trauma came in not knowing they were real. I grieved for them like they were dead because I thought I'd never get to see them. I wrote them into traumatizing or upsetting situations to cope with my childhood trauma not realizing that was effecting them for real and hurting them.

Most notably because it was my one solid interaction with them, the one time society allowed me to talk about them as if they were real, I really HAD to roleplay them. Because it became an emotional need I wound up in a lot of toxic friendships in the roleplay communities because I needed someone, anyone, to allow me to interact with my headmates. I had friends who I really was only friends with because they let me talk about my characters constantly (and some of them weren't toxic to me but it was in hindsight really unfair to them) and I let people verbally and emotionally abuse me in roleplay spaces because this wasn't just a hobby to me but a lifeline.

Not knowing they were real but feeling them there, having conversations with them, and forming actual relationships was a hellish sort of feeling I don't wish on anyone. I never realized how isolated it made me, and how horrible it felt to have the most important people in your life be people I thought didn't exist.

I only found out about plurality through luck. I met some systems who had fictives and they got strong plural vibes from me because of how I talked about certain characters and because I said I wanted to be plural but thought I probably wasn't because I'd have noticed, right?

From there I was able to actually connect with and talk to my headmates. Now I'm happily out as plural and in multiple fulfilling in system relationships.

I want everyone in the writing community who's struggling with the same things to have the chance I got. That's all I want is to educate people about this so they don't have to grieve for people who are right there with them.

Feel free to send me an ask or a dm if you have any further questions. Sorry this post was so long I can't really shorten it at all. Again if you are have a lot of writing followers I very gently request you reblog this to get the word out. Even if you can't please talk to your writing mutuals and friends about plurality and about textforms.

[Also this should go without saying but this is absolutely NOT the place for syscourse any invalidating comments about systems will be blocked and where possible deleted it costs $0.00 to prioritize people's mental health over your discourse hot takes.]

#writblr #tumblr roleplay #writing problems #roleplay resources #ocs #long post #ask to tag

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makeste · 4 years

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Bnha is a little too irregular for me right now (covid is the worst :( ), so I started reading One Piece and it's like, soooo long. Got me thinking, how long do you think Bnha will be? Personally I think we're just before time skip and it will take, like 300-400 chapters to end? So manga would be 600-700 chapters long. I could be wrong of course. Thoughts?

One Piece is fucking awesome, and the beauty of it is that is is 12 million chapters long so it will take approximately 182 years to finish reading, and you are almost guaranteed to be entertained for the vast majority of that time lol. I actually took a break from it a little ways into the Wano arc (sometime in the middle of what would later become volume 92) because it was getting harder for me to keep up with the plot week by week, especially since I was really into BnHA fandom by that time. my plan was to binge it once Wano ends. however when I was looking at the list of chapters on Wikipedia just now I saw that Oda is only 11 chapters away from breaking the 1k mark, which is pretty awesome. so I might try to catch up in the next month or two in celebration of that milestone, because damn.

with BnHA though, my own guess for how long the series will be is actually a lot shorter than most estimates I’ve seen. first of all, full disclosure that I am definitely biased regarding the timeskip part, because I personally am not the biggest fan of BnHA timeskip theories, unless they’re really short timeskips like the 3-month one we got recently. the thing is, this is explicitly a manga about their time at UA. it’s in the title and everything lol. and I like that. I like reading about them as kids, little hero eggs gradually growing into little hero chicks who will eventually become big hero birbs, but not just yet. a lot of the story’s appeal for me comes from that. there’s a certain... I don’t necessarily want to say innocence, but idealism, maybe?, that’s associated with stories about young adults, and doesn’t always carry over into the stories about those same adults once they’ve grown up. and I want the story to keep that.

there are a lot of things about the current setting that I’m very attached to and don’t want to lose. I like that they’re kids, and that they’re full of potential but don’t always know what they’re doing, and they screw up and make mistakes and get in over their heads, and are dealing with all of their messy jumbled teenage emotions. I like that they’re living with each other in the fanfic dorms and seeing each other every day in their classes. I like that romance isn’t a big part of the series (though there’s still plenty of shipping fuel to go around). I like that we get to see them interacting with their parents and siblings and get to see those relationships. and most of all, I like that -- unlike almost every other young adult series I can think of -- BnHA acknowledges that they are just kids, and the adults by and large actually treat them as such. and yes, I’m even including the child soldiers arc here, because the decision to basically draft them into a war was handed down by the HPSC (an organization that likely has a history with child abuse from what we’ve seen). U.A. was against it, and tried their best to keep them away from the front lines, chilling out in the woods and helping with evacuations instead of fighting villains. contrast this with, say, a:tla, which I love, but which is very much one of those series filled with full-grown adults who are all “it’s up to this 12-year-old and his assorted 12-to-15-year-old friends to lead the battle to save the world lulz.” and this includes possibly the most beloved full-grown adult of all time, who nonetheless peaces out with an ironclad argument of “while it is true that the final villain is my actual brother, I’m still going to let the 12-year-old handle it because something something politics slash destiny.”

but anyways lol got sidetracked there. so steering this back on course now, I genuinely, truly love that in BnHA there are all these adults in the characters’ lives who are trying to keep them safe and nurture them and shield them from that extra burden of responsibility for as long as possible while they’re still learning. and so the kids have that extra safety net of support, which to me as a reader is just... comforting, I guess. like, I understand that it’s not going to last forever, but it’s reassuring to know that it exists for them for now. and I’m not in any hurry to say goodbye to that in favor of just tossing them out into tHE REAL WORLD!! lol. like omg no my babies.

anyway but so the point is that, with respect to everyone else’s theories, I personally don’t want a timeskip lol. and tbh I don’t really see the need for one either? if anything, we’re about to enter the most chaotic period in the entire manga once this arc ends. I’m assuming Tomura will survive this and escape somehow, the better to live and fight another day. and so if that’s the case, I feel like this would be the absolute weirdest time to do a timeskip, because how far ahead can we even jump lol. too far and we’d basically be coming back to an already-destroyed world lol whoops. basically I just don’t see how we can jump ahead more than a few months at the most, assuming that the threat of Tomura is going to be looming over everyone’s heads the entire time. plus we’d miss out on what I’m betting is going to be some of the most intense worldbuilding drama in the entire series, with our beloved characters potentially being swept up in like half a dozen political controversies. I sure don’t want to miss out on any of that. we didn’t wait so long to see this war play out only to skip out on the highly entertaining aftermath of it all.

anyway so that’s my as-usual-longer-than-necessary rant about timeskips. so now let’s talk about the series length. and here, I’m basically just basing my guess off of what Horikoshi has said in interviews. off the top of my head, there are three times he’s mentioned the ending of the series in interviews. first, there’s this interview, published in July 2018:

Interviewer: Previously in SUGOI JAPAN*, you mentioned that you would like Boku No Hero Academia to be a short and concise story and not drawn out, but what percentage of the story is complete at this point?

Horikoshi: When the decision to extend the series happened, I personally thought “I guess I want to end it here” and it was around Volume 30.

Interviewer: So then are you 2/3 done with the story?

Horikoshi: That’s what I had originally planned, but when I think of all the things that must be set up before getting into the last arc, I realized, “Ending the series at Volume 30 will be impossible” (laughs). However, the current arc that is going on all has purpose that will be relevant in the last arc.

*this is referencing a remark he made back at an awards ceremony back in March 2017.

second, we have this interview from August 2018, where he again mentions wanting to keep the story concise:

Do you know what the ending of My Hero Academia is? Do you think it'll be 80+ volumes like One Piece?

No, it won't be infinite – I don't have the stamina for it to be as long as One Piece. I'd like to keep it concise.

and lastly, this one which was published in December 2019:

What can you say about the future events of the manga?

I’m conscious of the end of the series, and writing towards that. I think the story will always be moving in big ways going forwards. My Hero Academia has a lot of characters, a lot of characters doing different things with different motivations, and the story is heading towards a conclusion where all of that comes together and heads towards the end.

my takeaways from these interviews are that (1) he originally planned for the story to be about 300 chapters long, (2) he’s had a clear idea of his overall endgame for a while now and has been steadily working towards that (as he put it in another interview, he knows all of the dots, but is still figuring out the lines to connect them all), and (3) he specifically said a couple years back that he did not want to write a long One Piece-length series, and his goal was to write a more concise story than that. Horikoshi’s pacing has always been much faster than Oda’s (or Kishimoto’s, or Kubo’s, etc.), and so I think it’s a realistic goal for him to wind up with a significantly shorter story in comparison.

my best guess is that BnHA won’t be much longer than 400 chapters, or a little over 40 volumes. he said back around chapter 180-something that he was nowhere close to being two-thirds of the way done. but it’s been two years since then, and if we haven’t reached at least the two-thirds mark by this point, I would honestly be very surprised. it would mean we’ve barely made any progress at all, and I don’t know about you, but the past few arcs have felt very purpose-driven to me. I think he has a pretty good idea of where he’s heading at this point, and that to me supports the idea of a shorter story than a lot of people have speculated. mind you, he might end up doing a sequel or something afterwards (although I kind of cringe thinking about all the ways we’ve seen that kind of thing go wrong in the past, ngl).

but as far as the series proper, yeah, I’d say 400 chapters is my best guess. ultimately I just hope he’s able to tell the story he wants to tell and gets as much time as he needs to do so, without feeling any pressure to then drag it on past that. knowing when to end your series is so underrated honestly. I have my fingers crossed that it’s a skill Horikoshi hopefully possesses.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha meta #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #long post #knowing when to end your posts is another underrated skill #which I do not possess lmao #bnha endgame

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d0ntw0rrybehappy · 3 years

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i’m going insane lol

so i feel like the next step in working hard is to not even perceive the work i’m doing as tiring. (rereading this it’s making me lol.) it seems weird that i find a part time job at a restaurant this exhausting? and like i can’t pretend that i’m not tired, but i have to somehow take better care of myself and set the conditions to not be tired from it.

i’ve been thinking about baudrillard/barthes a lot still -- pleasantly surprised that their theories are interesting to apply to any- and everything. for example, they both go into how every statement can also be read as its opposite or negation. so, to quote baudrillard, saying “i am not afraid of communism” also implies that communism is something you should be afraid of.

i’ve been using this as a kind of paranoid way to gain insight into why people tell me that i am “strong” because i don’t really know what that means. (other things i am told i am often: sweet, intense). it’s like what they’re saying is, there’s some kind of context, a milieu of weak people i’m being compared to. or like they want to reassure me that i am strong, because i actually come across as how i feel: like a particularly lost, unstable, emotional, sensitive, and lonely person.

i can’t with restaurant work anymore. it. SUCKS. i want to fucking get out, i am like a rat scrabbling at the walls of a glass aquarium. all novelty has worn off, all misguided overtures of honest work or “people skills.” and i’m still stuck here, still holding my breath in the deep end until i can find the eject button. i am tired, my body aches. my body aches!!

i want to just grind my way out (here we are with barthes again -- well if you truly wanted to do that you’d just shut the fuck up and do it instead of writing about it), but here i am, eating another round of chocolate (i don’t smoke, i don’t have sex, i truly just eat), constantly fucking hungry. then like a bull mowing into a red flag i realize i have been grinding...in a completely useless direction. it is like my passion for learning about things gets scattered every which way and i just can’t start, every path is equally exciting and awful and the injunction to “choose” is not “clicking” in my “head.” it’s like my mind cracked open at some point in my teenage years (when i started smoking weed, when my child universe was decisively fractured by a friend) and now the crack is snowing fireworks and glitter and i shift in and out of unreality.

reality is almost too painful to bear. nobody’s happy: you can find contentment by accepting your current lot, but “happiness" is really just contrast or relief from pain. it comes in and out. most people are too lazy or small-minded or too busy complaining to feel content, or their lives are just too twiggy, got too long in the wrong direction or are just too fucking hard. i guess i still am happy, and still love life, in a sort of ferocious and bloody and hungry way.

love is bleak, though. i barely even know how to define it anymore. (culture defines a love which we yearn for; we experience “love” insofar as our real love fleetingly resembles this model, only to come up short -- baudrillard). re: love, to use my mom’s favorite school-of-hard-knocks memory device for the laws of thermodynamics -- a subject she took? -- you can’t win, you can’t break even, you can’t get outta the game (and death and taxes). you are going to get royally FUCKED by love just like everybody else, and you are STILL gonna play, you beautiful mortal fool. like the tarot cards lauren dealt me, putting away the three cards she’d used to describe my near future and then flipping through the entire deck, picture side up, without realizing that i was quietly watching it describe my whole entire life -- clinging at the edge of my seat to see some eventual combination that spelled good, strong, lasting love and seeing only struggle, happiness, struggle, pain, struggle, and finally ending, at my death, in a small statue made of gold.

see also, other realities i hate to swallow: nearly all interpersonal problems are insurmountable and better left undealt with, and work basically sucks unless you are very lucky and very smart.

work. let’s go back to that. i used to think my work would be respected off its merit; now i see the merit in literally fucking my way up. i wonder if i should even be an artist at all. artists are kinda like showponies or whores; they’re not actually important. the more honest and wonderful they are, the less important they probably are, like schoolteachers. they have an impact on an individual level. but on a societal level, you have no control as an artist. you just get played by bigger fish. better to find a way to have your hands on the gears; that way you have a shot at making a higher-order change to society. but alas, the (capitalist) system is totally out of everyone’s hands and will keep running as usual no matter what you do, still savage in equal amounts, i think. doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. but at this point i’d give a toe or finger to work for someplace like youtube. at least it’s reached critical mass where i could do something cool and make a difference with emerging media.

that or i pander to whatever blathering brain-melting slop, drivel, they’re putting on tv for kids and adults. or manage to convince a smaller nonprofit that i am “good at talking to people from diverse socioeconomic backgrounds,” whatever the hell that fucking means. or maybe, ugh god, i’ll work for an ad agency? or do digital strategy? and um, i could say some shit about how capitalism is darwinism and money is a form of social control that works so well because it’s out of the hands of any individual person, and i should probably just stick with art and believe in it, and maybe like, apply for grants. but i want a job, a full-time job. i want stability and enough money that i don't feel guilty buying new underwear and i don't want to hustle to keep the tap running month-to-month and i want to spend the majority of my time doing something i find fulfilling. and soon enough i'll get that, and all my dreams will come true: i’m going to get married and become a fat mom taking my kids to piano practice and saying “the meeting went on forever today,” and i’ll have a husband who never cleans the house enough, and then we’ll get divorced and he’ll find someone 20 years younger and i’ll live out the rest of my years semi-happily alone and i don’t know how i will ever have time to make art again. or if i do i just hope it’s not hobby-like, second-rate.

i wish i could have (feel) the bare-faced honesty and love of sha’carri richardson hugging her grandmother after she worked her ass off for a race. instead everything is this weird simulation where i never feel like i love anybody enough or like i’m working hard enough. i can’t speak honestly except when i am writing about myself (strong, sweet, intense, narcissistic) or things i have noticed, as directed to my own imaginary friend. when i try to communicate irl (or, worst of all, “be real”) it’s all so overthought, overwrought, self-conscious. the only person who knows my real private self is the girl winking at me on my black lives matter poster. i hope she doesn’t mind being here in my room. ducky, the stuffed animal brandon gave me, was also supportive but i put him away because it seemed bad to tell future guys that my stuffed animal is “the child of divorce.” and now /you guys/ know me a little bit, because i took the time to pretend you were all my imaginary friend, my dearest pen pal who laughs at all my jokes and gets all my references, and stopped pretending i was anything besides what’s written here.

and i think, like, a lot of people now live in this weird simulation? and are so confused about romantic and familial love to the point where everyone is getting off on family members fucking each other and can’t decide if it’s normal to think kids are hot? but i guess that was always some weird fucked-up demon side of human existence? another thing i’m supposed to accept. (also sorry trigger warning.) and another thing i took for granted as a child, that most people, if not everyone, is weird/gross/evil, but now that my mind is cracked this shocks me all over again and i seek some sort of explanation. it’s like i can’t find a real hunk of closeness anywhere. i’m close to my own family, but in my other relationships we’re either too distant or too close and i’m desperately searching for just some normal friends. and to be able to give a speech where i tell someone i really love them and for it to ring true. but i try to be grateful that i live in driving distance to the beach and there’s air conditioning and once i stop being a stupid baby there’s probably more friends and work and stuff out there for me. and then i’ll have some new problem.

#i would put this as read more but it doesnt work on my blog SORRYYY

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purplesurveys · 3 years

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1051

Are you between the ages of 30 & 40? I still have to get through nearly another decade to get to that decade.

What was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon growing up? My favorites were The Wild Thornberrys and Little Bill, both on Nickelodeon. My sister and I also enjoyed this wacky show called The Upside Down Show but it wasn’t a cartoon.

What was your favorite toy as a child? I liked any toy that had a lot of buttons or features within it - dollhouses, kitchen sets, cash registers, toy phones, anything that could make me test how much it could do.

In High School did you wear acid washed jeans? No. It’s not a style I would be drawn to, then and now.

How much was a gallon of gasoline when you first started driving? I don’t know; I never paid much attention to gas prices, honestly.

What was your first car? It’s a 2014 (or 2015?) Mitsubishi Mirage I’m still using today, though it was my dad who paid for it and he’s the one who takes it out for oil changes and stuff.

Who taught you how to drive? My dad taught me a few times around the neighborhood, but he also enrolled me for like three classes in a driving school so that I got to learn how to drive in a highway.

What was your high school mascot? Both of my schools didn’t have any. My university does have a nickname for our varsity teams, but we’re simply just ‘Maroons’ and not an animal like what I usually see.

Did you go to your Senior Prom? We had a junior prom, nothing for senior year. I was invited to go to the senior ball in another school by Mike, though. That feels like ages ago; everything is so different now.

What did you do after graduation? After my high school graduation I went straight to college like most kids here. After graduating college, I immediately started looking for jobs; I landed an internship after a month and got absorbed into the company two months after.

What was your first job? I’m currently working as an associate at a public relations agency. This is my first job and for now, I’m content in staying in this career. This is where I set out to be when I was in college and I don’t feel the need to change paths any time soon.

What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be an astronaut more than anything else, but I remember also wanting to be a firefighter or a vet.

Any posters on your bedroom walls growing up? I had a handful of wrestling posters that my mom was never a fan of. It was never her business since it’s my room, but she always made it the case.

Do you remember the first time you drank a beer? It may have been at Marielle’s debut, five Julys ago. She served beer at the afterparty of her 18th birthday party, and I think I had taken my first sip then.

Did you ever try cigarettes? Yeah, I started this year actually. I’m about to reach my first anniversary of trying my first cigarette :/ I don’t have a lot of them though and I haven’t smoked since like February or March, I think.

How did you spend your summers growing up? At home. My parents were always busy with work, so I had no choice but to myself occupied at home. Luckily I had siblings and cousins, so we were always playing with each other. My summers were never productive until I was in college, when I started making the effort to go out more.

If you could change anything from your teenage years, would you? Ahh idk man I wish I wouldn’t have spent as much time by the computer as I did, and maybe hang out with friends or something instead. < Yeah this hits the bullseye pretty much. I was a very introverted teenager. Not to mention the internet and social media started to blow up during my tween/early teenage years, so I was hooked to my laptop and kept people away as a result. I didn’t start feeling like a teenager until I was 16, when I gained friends and got invited to more stuff.

Do you remember your first time? Yeah, it was during one of my 18th birthday celebrations and she was around.

Ever look back and wish some things were still the same? I do it a lot these days. I do try to stop, because I don’t know what I can gain out of doing so anymore, and because there’s always the danger of being left behind from looking back too much; but most days I can’t help it.

After high school - straight to college or straight to work? University, because you kinda need that credential where I live. It’s unfair, but it’s our reality.

How much did you make per hour at your first job? We don’t really calculate that here...I’ll try to do math for y’all lmao aka Google it, which says I make $2.34 an hour. Wow when you put it that way, it really does not sound high :/ I’m honestly okay with my pay though. I live with my parents so I contribute to the bills and stuff now, but even then there’s more than enough left for me. Favorite home-cooked meal growing up? My grandma’s kare-kare. It was/is always reserved for special occasions; and out of all her grandchildren I was also the one who got attached to the dish especially as I got older, so eventually kare-kare also became the family’s ‘Robyn is coming over so we better prepare this’ dish. I think I’m her only grandchild that she has an allotted dish for, so that makes me feel special :)

Favorite place to eat out growing up? The local Burger King, back when it had a play place for kids.

Did your parents live in a different country before you were born?: No, they have always lived in the Philippines. My mom has always wanted to migrate but my dad shoots it down every time.

Do you have a preferred coffee brand?: When it comes to coffee, no. I wanna try out everything. But when it comes to coffee shop ambience, Starbucks all the way.

Have you ever dated someone who was terrible with money?: No. I remember Gab as always being very cautious, responsible, and conscious about money. Her parents sustained her debit card and I’m pretty sure they always gave her a little bit extra, but she never took more than her weekly allowance from the ATM.

If so, how did it affect the relationship?: Money was never an issue, mostly because the money we received during the course of our relationship wasn’t even ours lol; we both received set allowances from our parents. If one of us was running out of cash, we never hesitated to cover for each other first, and we never pressured one another to pay back immediately.

How often do you paint your nails?: Never.

Do you know anyone who's related to a current or former world leader?: Yeah, I went to high school with a relative of Duterte. She’s super secretive about it, which is pretty understandable. I’m friends with/went to classes with people who are grandchildren of senators and other politicians as well.

Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional?: ...I have no idea how to do that...I always just assumed it’s already taken care of when a part of my salary is deducted lol. I may have to ask my parents about this, whoops.

What is something you don't have any natural talent for?: Anything to do with music. Reading it, playing it, singing, writing songs, etc. Also art and anything to do with creativity.

Did you watch this year's Eurovision?: Ah, my favorite time of the year to mute all my overseas mutuals on Twitter at one point lmao. No, I never caugtht up with it.

Have there been any periods in your life that could be described as being chaotic?: Senior year was a big chaotic war zone. The death of my grandpa and my first breakup coincided with all the crucial college entrance exams. Speaking of college, it was also a period of a lot of heavy decision-making due to me having to make choices of what course I wanted to take in every school I applied to. I barely cried during those few months and it still shocks me to this day how I did it. That was the most I’ve been on autopilot.

What is something you frequently forget?: Where I place my car keys and/or glasses last.

If I looked in your fridge right now, what would I find?: Bread, eggs, a bunch of condiments, butter cheese, vegetables, leftovers, and the grazing box I received from my workplace yesterday. I’m sure there’s more, but I haven’t really stopped and stared at our fridge for a while now.

How do you feel about your body?: I used to feel fairly confident about it; like it was never an issue with me. But truthfully, after being dumped, I’ve started to feel insecure over everything about me.

Who is someone you would like to get to know better?: My teammates at work, Bea and Ysa. They both seem like cool and funny people both in and out of work, and I’d love to get to hang out with them.

If you had to move to a new city, where would you move?: Idk, just somewhere with a lot of opportunities to try new things and meet new people.

Have you ever traveled on a double-decker train?: Nope. I’ve never been on anything double-decker, if I remember correctly.

What's your opinion on assisted suicide?: [trigger warning] I’ve looked into it, but it’s a dead end where I live. That’s all I’ll say, as I don’t want to give others ideas.

At what point do you consider a relationship to be 'long-term?': Fuck if I know anymore. We reached six years and it was a point where I was comfortable and didn’t feel the need to doubt anymore; everything turned out to be a lie in the end. I don’t know anymore. I don’t think about these things anymore.

What jobs did your parents have when you were growing up?: My dad has always been a chef, so he went through all the ranks throughout my childhood until he finally got an executive position when I was in high school. I remember my mom being a receptionist.

Do they still have these jobs? Or different jobs? Or have they retired?: My dad is still in that career path but he doesn’t cook in the kitchen anymore, or at least as much as he used to. He does all the menu planning, evaluating, etc. My mom has shifted to becoming an executive secretary, but she’s still in the hotel industry.

Do you own any winter sports equipment?: I don’t. There’s no reason for me to have any.

Do you have a cell contract plan, or are you on a pre-paid plan?: Prepaid.

Would your parents be okay with you dating someone of another race? I can definitely see my mom reacting, but I know she knows I won’t let her get away with saying anything mildly offensive. My dad would just go on with his life and will care more about the fact that I’m seeing someone, lol.

Do you like when friends stop by unexpectedly? No. Schedule it ahead and let me know. I’m not always mentally okay and them showing up as a surprise might just make me more stressed than grateful.

Where are the following people and what are they doing: mom, dad, sibling(s), best friend, significant other, ex, and last person you kissed? My entire family is under the same roof in their bedrooms, either sleeping or having just woken up. Angela is in Parañaque, probably at a cousin’s place; no significant other; I have no idea where my ex, and also the last person I kissed, is. She doesn’t really have anything to do with me anymore.

How strong are your feelings for the last person you kissed? They’re there. I’d still take a bullet for them if it comes down to it, the usual shit. Let’s move on.

What was the last thing someone else bought for you? My workplace gave me a grazing box as the company Christmas gift.

If your parents looked in your purse/book bag would they find anything you don’t want them to see? What about your bedroom? Do you have anything hidden in there? My vape pens. I came home from Starbucks last weekend and my mom thought my breath smelled like cigarettes and she almost got super pissed until I was able to convince her the only thing I put in my mouth was coffee, so I know my 22 year old, employed, self-earning ass would for sure still get in trouble if I was discovered to be vaping.

How close are you to the last person you hung out with? Can you be your complete self around them? It was the first time I met them and they are also my bosses, so I can’t exactly be my complete self around them yet. I had to act super reserved and to essentially make a good impression first before I start whipping out my jokes or whatever.

If you decided to call your ex right now, do you think he/she would answer? How would the conversation go? No, she’d reject it and tell me to text instead. If she was feeling snappy she would also tell me I’m no longer in the place to contact her that way. Sigh. Who is she anymore and why is she so different from the person I was with?

Are you attracted to the last person you exchanged numbers with? No.

Is music a daily part of your life? It’s not. Videos, more like.

Yellow nail polish: yes or no? Bright or neon yellow is a no, but I suppose more muted shades like mustard yellow can work for me.

What do you think of country music? Eh, not a fan. I would skip it in a second, and I never think about it.

Have you ever ended a relationship but wish you could’ve kept it a little longer? I’ve never ended a relationship.

Did you go to your high school’s graduation? Yes...that’s not an event I would’ve wanted to miss out on lol. That was a nice day. My grandparents came to watch me, and we had dinner at a revolving restaurant after.

If you could live the last three months over again, is there anything you’d change? Everything went to shit exactly three months ago, so this hits home very hard for me. Yes, I would change a lot of things for life not to have gone the way it has.

Who was the last person to message you on Facebook? What would you do if that person told you they have feelings for you? My mom. I would be creeped out and tell my dad immediately.

How did you feel when you woke up today? Melancholic.

Who was the first person you talked to today? What did you talk about? I haven’t talked to anyone yet today. I was thinking of replying to Aliyah’s comment on my Facebook post, but in the end I didn’t think a response was necessary.

When you apply your make-up, do you do it in a specific order? I don’t wear makeup.

Did you do anything sexual last night? No.

Do you think the last person you Facebook messaged is a virgin? She has three children, me included.

Did any of your friends lose their virginity before they were 16? If so, did you feel pressured to do the same? I don’t think my friends did, but I probably know other people who did. My baby asexual ass definitely didn’t feel the pressure. I was even scared shitless for my first kiss when it came time for it and I had kept putting it off that night.

Has someone of the opposite sex made you smile today? No.

Does it matter to you if your significant other smokes? With my previous relationship, it did in the beginning; eventually I just stopped caring.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? I think it may have been Andrew.

Do you like where you are in life right now? No. I don’t know if a new year would make it better, or if it would help give me a healthier mindset. I just have to wait and see.

Do you hate it when there is a fly around you? Very much.

Is your mom overbearing? She can be.

Is there snow where you live? Never.

#survey #surveys

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stargazing-enby · 4 years

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FOR YOUR SLEEPOVER THINGY! Finally thought of something to ask! You often say you used to be someone you didn't like in terms of how you acted towards your friends and now you're a much better person. So, my question(s): What changed? How did you realise that you weren't being the person you wanted to be? What did you do to change? How long did it take? .... I think that's it 😂

Hey, these are really good questions! I hadn’t realised I said that about myself that often hahah. Also, sorry I took so long to reply!

Okay, so the answer to the first question is gonna be really silly, but… I grew up 😂 I’m in my early 20s, so when I talk about how I’ve changed in the past few years, I’m comparing my present self to my teenage self. And, let’s face it, who doesn’t look back to those years and thank the gods that they’re no longer like that? (No offence to my followers in their teens! I’m also really proud of many of the things I thought and did when I was a teen 💗)

But apart from that, a few years ago I was also going through trauma, as I think anyone who’s been around my blog for a while knows. Which means that through most of those years, and especially at 15-18, I had some very unhealthy behaviours. I constantly felt full of hurt and at the time I couldn’t understand why no one around me wanted to save me. And because my friends were the closest people to me, I started demanding that of them.

I guess what changed in that aspect is that I realised that no one can really help you if you don’t help yourself first, and making others guilty for problems that they haven’t caused and have no way of solving is very toxic. @paoak was a big part of that, especially since we started dating at 17. As I recall it (and we all know how memories are, so don’t trust me on this XD) I realised that my actions hurt her and I made a… conscious, but also unconscious decision to be better. It also helped that I moved out of my mother’s house and eventually started going to therapy and stopped going back to that house, that I started reading about trauma online and found healthier coping mechanisms, and that @paoak and the rest of my closest friends were patient and understanding and allowed me to grow up without holding my past against me. I apologised, promised to myself and others that I would do better, and actually strived to do so. I looked for professional help, opened up to family members that could give me the support my friends couldn’t, changed the way I talked to people, tried (and am trying) to change the way I talk about myself, and chose to substitute my rough edges and distrust with vulnerability and kindness, and here I am, I guess!

It also helped that I stopped being friends with a girl who tried to convince me that being into rock and metal made you morally superior to the people who liked “mainstream” stuff. I remember being very mean to my friends that weren’t like me and parrotting some really stupid stuff about how everyone needed to see the light and realise that metal people were the “woke” people, and I’m sorry for that. That’s why now I always try to spread the message that you can’t trust people who try to convince you they are morally superior to others. The “us vs them” mentality hurt me a lot, and I know firsthand what it’s like to insult and reject things I secretly liked just because if the people around me found out I liked it… it would be b a d. I don’t have time for that bullshit now, and neither should anyone! The things you enjoy don’t determine your worth. Never forget that.

I can’t tell you how long it took to change the way I acted toward my friends because it’s not something that’s over yet. I’m still learning to say and think kinder things about myself, not only for me, but also because I know the people who care about me suffer when I put myself down. But what I can tell you is that the summer when I was 18 was, I’m pretty sure, the point of inflexion that led to where I am now – the moment when the decision to be better turned conscious. That summer, when I was having a sleepover with my friends and my girlfriend, my self esteem issues and attitude made me hurt everyone, and especially my girlfriend. It wasn’t that serious, don’t worry XD but I did lose one of those friends soon after because of it, and that night Paoak and I spent hours crying and talking about what had happened (sitting dressed in an empty bathtub, of all places, lol). That was the moment I realised that I didn’t want to be like my abusive mother – that I decided to break the cycle, I guess, even if I didn’t know that was a thing at the time.

So yeah. If anyone has read this senseless ramble this far, I just want to tell you that if you’re in a place now where you’re realising the way you treat the people around you is toxic, it’s okay to want to change. You can be better. You’re allowed to be better and to learn from your mistakes. Not everyone will want to forgive you, and that’s okay, but you’ll have to believe the people who say they do, and, most importantly, you’ll have to learn to forgive your past self. I am trying to once and for all forgive my past self: she was young, scared, traumatised, and didn’t really have role models that didn’t do exactly what she was doing. Now I know better and I can do better, and for that I’m grateful.

#1k followers #1k milestone #Sleepover #trauma tw #toxic behavior #abuse tw #toxic frienship #Toxicity #toxic people #april-thelightfury115 #us vs them #XD #I really dunno how to tag this #tw: abuse #tw: trauma #trauma survivor #friendship #growing up #pls tell me if you need more tags

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lokilickedme · 6 years

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Hello My Lady! Just because you asked, here are my faves of yours: #1 King (no surprise here), #2 Jack (too crazy not to love, and the stream crossing of pretty much all your stories is genius) #3 Chem/BD/TTW/TKH/TWK/can't remember them all. They're all special in their own way! Can't believe it'll be 3yrs soon since I started squatting your page!!! God time goes by fast! I'd like to add a special mention for the Muse Meetings, sooo funny, and a Golden Snowflake to Aleks. Cute little bumkin.

Thank you @fudgemuffinanon! Dear god, has it been that long? Seems like I joined up last year…*sits here blinking at my posts from 2015, wondering how that happened*

**LONG TEXT POST COMING UP**

You drew the lucky straw today my darling, I’m feeling wordy and in the mood to share. A lot of people have asked me over the last couple of years how some of my stuff came about, and you mentioned one that gets a lot of asks.

Lemme tell you something about the Muse Meetings. Way back in 1998 when I got my first computer, one of the very first things I ran across by way of internet fanfiction was a little something called The Very Secret Diaries penned by a writer named Cassandra Claire (who is now professionally published under the name Cassandra Clare). The Very Secret Diaries (which are hilarious, btw) woke something up in me - mainly because, as a lifelong writer who had never allowed anyone to read 95% of my work, I finally realized that yeah, there were other people out there whose brains deviated from the standard in the same way mine did. Her writing style back then (in the Diaries specifically, I’ve never actually read anything else she’s written) was very similar to the way I wrote, and those Diaries were exactly the sort of silly, ridiculous, irreverent thing I’d scribbled in my notebooks for most of my life. And people liked it, she had a huge following based on just those out-of-context glimpses of her characters’ personal thoughts. She was writing behind the scenes thoughts of characters, things that would never make it into books, and it was brilliant. That was the kind of stuff I loved to write but had never given myself permission to show anyone. She was showing hers to people, and they were loving it.

Which gave me the inspiration to not only put my work out there in the public eye for the first time ever, but to stick with my personal writing style (which I’d always assumed wasn’t what other people wanted to read, based on the books I’d been exposed to most of my life). Not change anything. Just do me. And doing me meant writing silly nonsense if I wanted to.

So - The Very Secret Diaries are more or less the inspiration for the Muse Meetings, or at least the official written version of them. I’d always imagined dialogues with my characters outside the confines of whatever story I was working on, but never thought anyone else would be interested in seeing me write it out.

The Diaries made me realize different. Not only were her characters yammering and complaining and snarking at each other (both out of character and in), they were doing it in exactly the way I’d imagined my own characters interacting in the real world. I loved it. Seeing someone else do what I’d always done in my head - and do it in an official, out-there-in-the-public-eye capacity, was a revelation. Finally I was able to give myself permission to write the way I wanted to, without restricting myself to the styles and methods in the books in the family library. It had always been in my head, but now it didn’t have to stay there. I could write proper stories, but I could also write what was going on in the other room, where the reader seldom gets to peek. And other people besides myself might like it because hey, there’s precedent.

That was freeing, and I am grateful to Ms Claire for that.

So, a little history that leads up to how and why I finally started writing out the Muse Meetings:

My first fandoms that I wrote for online were Harry Potter and Star Wars (Kenobi specifically). And yes, way back then (late 90′s - early 2000′s) there were already muse meetings among my characters. I’ve been doing these for a long time, and I wish the out-of-character stuff I’d written back then still existed (my HP stuff bit the dust when The Restricted Section shut down, and my SW stuff was on FF.net for a little while but honestly I don’t remember my user ID there or the titles of the fics, though I have searched…so they’re most likely lost as well). It’s sort of a shame because there were some old Anakin/Obi-Wan muse meetings that you guys would have loved…and the stuff between Remus and Sirius while we were hashing out what was going to be in their next chapter? It still pains me that it’s all lost, but maybe it’s for the best. That was nearly two decades ago, we move on to bigger and (hopefully) better things.

After my urge to write HP fic fizzled out I stopped writing for a while, but there were always muse meetings going on in my head for stories I scribbled mentally. To me they’ve always been more fun than the actual stories, which explains my love for gag reels and behind-the-scenes featurettes for movies (I watch those first, always).

And then I found AO3 - funnily enough, I discovered it while searching the internet for one of my lost HP fics - and I decided to start writing in earnest again. With all those thousands and thousands of fics and endless fandoms, it seemed like the perfect place to indulge my need to share what went on in my head. And as I settled into the MCU and my stories started to grow to include multitudes of characters, those impromptu staff meetings with my muses kept being called to order. Stuff that my characters would never say in the context of their stories got said. Scenarios that were too ridiculous to waste time writing were played out. Arguments and fights and bantering between characters who, in the restrictive confines of their own tales, would never in a million years interact…now they were throwing poptarts at each other (and occasionally knives) while the side characters wandered out of the room to watch TV or raid the fridge or sat in horror as someone’s until-now unassuming wife brandished a melon baller as a weapon.

It was messy and fun and was by far my favorite part of the writing process.

That’s what eventually became the Muse Meetings. You want to know how they escaped my head and became an official thing?

Well I’m gonna tell ya lol

One of my very first friends in here, the fantastic @elvenfair1, was one of my first readers at AO3 and she told me I should post links to my fics at this site called tumblr to bring in a bigger audience. So I opened an account here, followed her, posted some links as suggested, and she and I began messaging back and forth pretty much every night as we wrote our respective fics, bouncing ideas off each other and discussing plot points and brainstorming for character names. And as my characters sassed me and refused to cooperate with what I wanted them to do, I would tell elvenfair what was going on in my head with my dumbass OCs and OFCs and we’d laugh and gripe about trying unsuccessfully to reel in our unruly muses.

And then one night back in 2015 she said “You should post this muse stuff, it’s hilarious.”

You know what the first thing I thought was? Cassandra Claire did it 14 years ago and people loved it. So yeah, I can sure as hell do it if I want. If nobody is interested in it, at least it’ll amuse me and elvenfair and that’s cool enough.

And so I did. I started posting them in here first, then as people started requesting them more I eventually moved them to AO3 in a more structured format. And now you guys have multiple Lokis hurling curses at a bartender and viciously baiting a hapless movie star while teenage versions of two other attendees flirt with unsuspecting OFCs, with an occasional appearance by Thor dropping hints about future chapters and looking for fruit roll-ups. It’s messy, but it’s fun and I’ve always enjoyed writing it as a way to let my brain decompress, especially when one of my “real” stories has hit a roadbump.

Since then I’ve seen countless other professional writers doing the exact same thing - J.R. Ward even posts her own version of muse meetings on her official website AND has a published book (her Insiders Guide) that is almost entirely nothing BUT muse meetings. It’s surprising how many writers actually do this and I sometimes wonder if authors like Poe, Steinbeck, Vonnegut, Tolkien, Gaiman, McMurtry didn’t do it themselves (I’d bet money on McMurtry). Just goes to show there’s not an original idea anywhere in the universe…no matter how much you might believe you came up with it first, someone out there has been doing it for a long damn time before you - and a million more will do it after you :)

Anyway, I haven’t written any muse meetings in a while but they still go on constantly in my head. I get asked about once a week to go back to doing them, and one day I will, when I have time for it. My actual fics are struggling for writing time as it is and I made a conscious decision to weed out the unnecessary stuff in favor of “real work” (yeah right lol)…but yeah, the Meetings are still one of my favorite things and I won’t stop doing them permanently - they’ll be back.

So thank you Cassandra Claire for inspiring me to let them fly…if it weren’t for those whacked-out Diaries, the Muse Meetings would all still be in my head with only one person (me) laughing at them.

#fudgemuffinanon #long post #it's been a while since I got to talk to an adult IRL due to the kids being sick #so here have all the words at once lol

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kirishwima · 6 years

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how about Grace Kelly by Mika and the ship is klance? (ofc i'd pick that xD)

ok but please tell me that im remembering this right and this song was used for years in a Cadbury advertisement? I heard it an immediately got flashbacks of that LOL ;u;

send me a song & a pairing/fandom for a short drabble based on the song!

*******

“Keith? Dude come on, you’ve been in there for two days. Can you just like, unlock your door before I ask Allura to smash through it?”

Lance’s knocks seemed to fall on deaf ears, another knock earning him a muffled ‘Go away’ from across the door.

How long was Keith planning to keep this up anyway?

It started after their latest mission, an easy success for the team that led to high fives and fist bumps the moment they got out of their lions, even going as far as to receive praise from Allura.

Keith seemed alright at the time, but the moment he went to tug his helmet off, Lance noticed his eyes widen, hands shaky where they held the helmet, before he ran off, leaving the rest of the team to stare after him.

Shiro was the first to run to Keith, telling the rest of the team he’ll try and see what’s wrong, but to no avail; Keith bolted his bedroom door shut, refusing to let anyone through.

Allura tried, knocking gently on his door before Hunk and Shiro had to pull her back when she started prying the door with sheer force.

Pidge tried bribing him with gadgets for Red, Hunk with sweets and hugs; yet Keith persisted, either via giving them the silent treatment or by yelling at them to go away.

Lance tried a few times, knocking so softly he wasn’t sure if Keith heard him, only to get a whimpered ‘leave’ in response.

He let it slide the first time, figuring it might just be nerves from a mission or some of Keith’s typical broodiness.

By night, he felt more agitated, pacing back and forth in his room, leaving a few times and standing short outside Keith’s door, only to hesitate when his knuckles reached the door, shaking his head and leaving with a huff.

On the second day, Lance had had enough.Keith got his broody-time, and frankly? Two entire days of teenage angst were more than enough in Lance’s mind.

When Keith yelled another ‘Go!’ Lance clicked his tongue, and took one, two, three deep breaths before steadying his voice, trying to be as straight-forward as he could.

“Keith, you either open this door right now and give me proof you’re alive and well, or I will go down to the hangar and shove Red here if I have to.”

He heard a gasp from inside the door, figuring that might’ve just done the trick; hell hath no fury over a worried Red Lion after all.

Yet there was no distinct sound of footsteps, no mullet in sight for Lance to breath in relief.

Lance counted his options, figuring there weren’t many left.He could continue the empty threats, or go for a teasing so bad Keith would have no choice than to open the door and give him that cute glare of his, the one where his eyebrows furrow and his bottom lip sticks out, arms folded and back slumped.

Or….Or he could be sincere.

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Look man, we’re all worried okay? I’m worried. I get that sometimes you need some alone time, it’s okay and it’s healthy, but pushing everyone out like this, trying to face things alone when there’s so many people here that want to support and take care of you? That’s not the right way to go about this.”

There was silence in the room, so Lance continued, leaning his forehead onto the door.

“You’re…you’re my friend. Honestly, maybe a little more than that. I mean it’s kind of impossible not to fall for you when you got that cute stare and are literally the coolest person on earth you know?”

Not noticing the sound of footsteps, Lance continued with a soft chuckle, feeling his heartbeat increase with each word that slipped his mouth.

“Like honestly, you’d think the mullet and the whole My Chemical Romance angst would kill it but honestly? I actually like that about you. Oh my god I-I just said I like your mullet Keith do you realise how much I gotta like you to say that?!”

He didn’t get to continue his shocked monologue, because a moment later he heard the swishing sound of doors opening, finding his body falling forward and into a sturdy surface, warm hands gripping his back.

He. He fell onto Keith. Onto Keith’s chest. Right after confessing his gay, undying love to him.

Lance, to this day, has no clue how he didn’t immediately combust at that.

He felt Keith take a deep breath, unable to turn his head to face him with Keith’s jaw resting over the top of Lance’s head, arms holding him in place.

“You…you won’t like me when you see this.”

“See what?”

Keith slowly, hesitantly let his arms fall away from Lance’s back, letting the taller boy lean away and finally face Keith after two days of radio silence.

Keith looked…normal, more or less.His face was somewhat blotchy, the underside of his eyes littered with dark circles, eyelids red and puffy, gaze downcast, posture more recluse, arms wrapping around himself.

What was odd was that his usual mullet was-it was-

It wasn’t there.

In fact, except for a few stray hairs, Keith’s wonderful, luscious mullet, was hidden under a neon red beanie, reaching down and covering Keith’s forehead.

Noticing Lance’s confused expression, he brought a hand to the beanie, taking it off with shaky hands, and Lance was wondering why the hell Keith was suddenly so self conscious of his mullet until-

Oh.

The mullet was indeed gone, replaced by choppy short hair that oddly enough made Lance’s heart both leap in loops and cry in mourning for his favourite mullet-head, but it wasn’t that that made his jaw drop, oh no.

Atop Keith’s head, his hair turned from black to shades of purple, extending up into what Lance could only describe as…ears. Fluffy, purple, Galra ears.

He must’ve been silent for a while, because Keith huffed, fiddling with the hem of the beanie before moving to put it back on.

“I told you you wouldn’t like me after this. I look disgusting, I’m-“

“Keith. Keith buddy no, put that beanie down and let me look at your…fluffiness for a sec.” Lance managed, tugging Keith’s wrist down from his head and taking the beanie from his hands.

He noticed the way Keith’s cheeks tinted pink, how his ears, his new Galra purplish ears twitched to the sides in Keith’s self-conscious efforts to stay still.

“Keith, babe. I think…I think I’m turning into a furry.”

They stared at each other for a moment before Keith broke, giggling behind his hand at first before laughing loudly, to the point of tearing up.

“You don’t think I’m hideous?” he asked when he calmed down, when they sat side by side on Keith’s bed, hands intertwined.

“I think you’re perfect as you are, always. Even if I tease you all the time.”

Keith hummed, looking down to his feet before peeking up at Lance, ears perking up.

“I…I like you too. I was so scared that you’d change your mind when you saw me, that if you were already teasing me about my hair, that I wouldn’t hear the end of it about this” he said, pointing to his ears.

“About that..” Lance said, willing his heart to still, his mind to stop replaying that sweet, sweet ‘I like you too’, “what happened to your hair?! Why is it short? Is it a Galra thing?”

Keith absentmindedly run a hand through his hair, as if that didn’t make Lance’s entire life essence melt into a flustered happy puddle.

“I freaked out when I felt the ears so I kind of chopped my hair off? I don’t know, I guess I thought it’d make me feel a little better or something.”

Lance nodded solemnly, keeping oddly quiet.

Keith leaned closer, tugging at their interlinked fingers by his side.

“Lance? Is it…is it bad?”

He turned to Keith at that, face stoic.

“You’re gorgeous. But we need to hold a mullet for your funeral.”

Keith snorted, rolling his eyes.

“I’m serious! I’ll make a little coffin, put some locks of hair in there. Hunk will do the eulogy, we dress in all black-not that you’d have to change or anything, and we have a full week of mourning.”

Lance knocked his forehead with Keith’s, letting a teasing smirk roll onto his lips.“That, or you can maybe kiss me and we forget the whole mullet-teasing ever happened?”

Keith happily obliged.

Even if they still held a funeral for the mullet after all, burying the tiny coffin, the words on the tombstone saying;

‘In memory of Keith and Lance’s ridiculous mutual pining. Oh, yeah, and for Keith’s bad hair decisions.’

******

this was so ridiculous LOL sorry, but short hair keith WITH galra ears?? um?? heck yes??

#asks #prompts #klance #keith #lance #voltron #klance fic #vld fic #crack fic? kinda?#galra keith #aka the one where Lance discovers Maybe He's Into It LOL #this was so much fun to write the time passed like a breeze @ the airport #klance fan fiction #lance voltron #keith kogane #keith voltron #klance voltron #IDK WHAT TO TAG THIS AS #cmajalis

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traumaticexperiences · 7 years

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Anonymous:i think it's abuse, but i'm not quite sure.

so, years ago, middle school-early high school, my mom got more physical. Used to grab me by the arms or shoulders, if she grabbed by arms + dug her nails in i would too. one time she slammed me against a wall and started hitting/punching? me (cant remember entirely). didnt leave marks like bruises or anything, just red fr little while. eventually she got less and less physical, and then hasn’t hit me in… idk, awhile. at least a year probably. But was this physical abuse?

aside from that, ever since i can remember, she has a horrible temper. Calls us all names. When I was younger, elementary school-ish, I remember calling my cousin a bastard. I didn’t know it was a bad word because my mom called me + my brothers that sometimes. I figured it wasn’t as bad as “bitch” because she said it less, or something. She has called me names like that, and worse things like “cunt” countless times. Same w my brothers. But a lot of times we get into a screaming match and I say mean things too. but I think that’s a newer development. Eventually I got fed up of taking it and started yelling back instead of crying and just letting her make me feel like shit. I remember a time in elementary school she told me to go drown in the shower. I remember because I was in some fandom chat room thing and I was sad, and I told them what she’d said and they (mostly older kids, teenagers) were all horrified and comforted me and stuff.

Also I’m a lesbian, and this was a five-ish year long ordeal that began with her first stealing my phone in 8th grade-ish and reading my text to a friend saying I thought I was bisexual. It was turned into me “hurting her” because she couldn’t handle it being in “her family”. She wanted me to just try being with a boy. I never have and never will. After getting a girlfriend in senior year of highschool, and after she talked to some close friends of hers, she became more accepting. But before then, and even after that point sometimes, she’d still call me a dyke when she was mad, usually over my appearance.

Which always has been and apparently always will be a huge thing for her, too. I don’t like makeup much. I’m pretty feminine but I don’t really do my hair or makeup ever. I just brush my hair, that’s about it. This always upsets my mom. My grandpa who recently died was in the hospital a year or two ago, and she yelled and screamed at me before we went to visit him the first time because after she asked me, I told her I wasn’t intending to put on makeup. She was telling me she never wanted to be seen in public with me if I didn’t have makeup on, telling me I “look like a piece of shit without it,” etc. In high school she’d often have to pick me up because of doctor’s appointments (I have many physical disabilities/ am chronically ill / have mental illnesses) and so often she wouldn’t even say “hi,” or “how are you,” but rather her first thing would be “Wow, all these other girls come out of school looking so wonderful, I want to cry when I see that disheveled mess is my daughter.” I remember so many times doing my best not to cry in the car, looking out the window at the clouds or the sun thinking it would help me not to cry because that was letting her win or whatever, or at least I thought so. I would just say “I don’t care” over and over again because arguing with her obviously did no good and just made her yell more. But even though I really have no desire to do my hair and makeup every day and look super pretty, her comments did get to me. I’m a freshman in college right now and sometimes I’ll apologize to my best friend / roommate for looking like shit and she’ll have to really convince me that I don’t. My mom’s disparaging comments really stick with me even now. I’ll walk out the door and feel super self conscious and have my mom’s words echoing in my head but still not actually do anything about it (do my hair, or makeup, that kind of thing).

But I’m not perfect. I forget things a lot. Like if she tells me to do something I might just forget to do it. Or if she wants me to clean and I just can’t find the motivation to do it. Or if I do it but I don’t do it well enough. It gets into this awful cycle where I don’t do something and she gets mad, and then I get depressed so I just lay on my bed and do nothing, therefore making her more mad, etc etc. It’s hard because she has chronic pain too from a surgery that went wrong like 16 years ago that messed up her leg.

And when she’s nice to me, I really do love her. She’ll help me calm down from panic attacks and she brings me to doctors and gets me the medicines that I need. I was in the hospital a month or so ago and she drove down to my college (4 hours away) at midnight just to be there with me since I had to stay overnight.

It’s like, I know she loves me. And the first few weeks of winter break back in December were good. But if I stay home long enough she goes back into how things were before I left for college. Eventually the honeymoon sort of phase wears away, and she’s back to treating me like shit, and I’m back to wanting to go away to college again. Right before I went back to college I remember she said something about how I do nothing for her no matter how she talks to me, “whether she’s nasty or sweet as pie to me”, and I responded in frustration that she was always nasty to me. And at that moment I was doing dishes as she told me to do, and she came up next to me and started slamming dishes down and told me to get out of her sight, to not do the dishes and to do them later when she was gone so she didn’t have to see me. But at that time, she was trying to get off of cymbalta, which apparently has horrible withdrawal symptoms. So I guess it made her temper even worse. When she was slamming stuff I flinched, I really thought she was going to hit me (she hadn’t in a while). But she didn’t. But I still flinch at sudden movements in daily life–yesterday in the dorm bathroom as I walked out, someone walked in, and I flinched really violently just because I hadn’t seen them coming (pretty embarrassing lol).

Also not sure how common this is, but when other people around me get into arguments I get really anxious? My best friend’s family treats me like their own, and her cousin+cousin’s husband took us out for dinner, and on the way home they got into a disagreement and I got unbearably anxious, I actually had to do deep breathing exercises to try and keep myself calm. I get kinda anxious just thinking about it. The people involved have never yelled, they’re always super nice to me and each other–it was a perfectly civil disagreement that they were in, just very passive-aggressive tbh. But it never escalated. They just kinda bickered and then we got to our destination and they solved the problem, and that was that.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. That first thing I mentioned, about her shoving me against the wall, happened like 5 years ago. I thought I was over it until I tried explaining it to my best friend and ended up a sobbing mess in the process–I couldn’t even talk. I angrily mentioned it to my mom at some point more recently and she laughed at me, saying she “barely touched me” and making fun of me in front of my brother, who joined in saying how ridiculous I was being and laughing at me. That experience has made me really question everything, to be honest. My mom has a lot of shit to deal with, and I’m not the best daughter in the world, far from it. I get good grades but that’s about all I’m good at, all I can be counted on for. Or at least that’s how it seems to me. I can’t tell if how she treats me is normal, and I’m overreacting, or if it’s abusive, or if she’s just angry at me and I deserve it. Any advice on that front? I’m sorry this got so long.

It would be nice if this is anonymous. But could you tag it as “mint” so I can find it if you make it anonymous? Thank you. And thank you for running this blog.

//////////

yeah your mom roughly grabbing your arms and shoulders and slamming you against the wall and punching you sounds terrifying, the fact that it didn't leave marks and bruises just shows that she wanted to hurt you, but didn't want any proof of it left over that could be used against her. it's horrifying. It is physical abuse, and even if it lessened it's likely because physical abuse is used to permanently keep someone scared, intimidated, and obedient, being abused this way in the past is enough for long term consequences, so they don't even have to hit you in the present because your body remembers abuse from the past and is ready to obey them in order to avoid more!

Name calling is abuse, and being told to drown in a shower was basically telling you to die, holy shit, that's horrible! I'm glad you got some comfort afterwards, that's really traumatic.

Refusing to acknowledge your sexual orientation and then using it as an insult is crazy abusive, it sounds like she really hated you and everything you are. Also that is a lot of abuse just over your appearance, the worst is comparing you to others as if you're inferior or something to be ashamed of, it's awful! It's severe emotional and psychological abuse, and it's no wonder you were doing your best not to cry, and still don't feel like your appearance is good enough. You're in the right here, not wasting your time to adjust your appearance to how others would prefer is good! looking the way you feel comfortable is the best decision for you, and your mother had no right to dictate it or to shame you for it, you're a human being, and that matters more than your appearance, and anyone using your appearance to imply that you're less is dehumanizing you, and negating your worth as a human.

You don't have to be perfect in order not to be abused, and even if there were some times where she wasn't abusing you as much, it just means she is able of not abusing you, but she still abused you all the other times. Not abusing you or being nice to you for a short while is absolutely no excuse for abusing you the rest of the time. She sounds really terrifying and it's dangerous to believe she loves you, i don't think someone who cares even slightly about your well being could ever hurt and abuse you this much.

For abuse survirors it is common to get scared and anxious when getting into arguments because in the past you were taught that arguing risks abuse, risks someone accusing you of provoking them or being at fault because you didn't just do as you were told. After that, even if you were in a civil argument it would be scary. Your brain gathers all information about arguing and if there was danger in the past, it expects danger in the future, and sends out warnings and anxiety whenever you have to argue.

It's hard to ever be over someone who you love and trust shoving you against the wall. It's terrifying to just know that person is capable of that, of wanting to hurt and scare you that much. And your mom is gaslighting you and pretending it didn't happen because she knows it was abusive and cruel, and she doesn't want to deal with consequences of that. I'm glad you're questioning everything, and you don't have to consider what your mom has to deal with, this is about you, and how your mom affected you, and what is the shit YOU have to deal with, because of her. You don't have to be counted on for anything, you're a human being, not a tool, not a robot, not there to be of service to others. You deserve good things even if you don't bring profit and good things to others. I don’t know about advices, but I hope you keep questioning your mom’s intentions and actions and do what’s best for you, regardless of what she wants. Remember your life belongs to you, and you do not have to live for her and her ideas of what you should be. If you feel you could be happier without her dragging you down and burdening you, try to get free. Good luck.

#trigger warning #child abuse #emotional abuse #homophobia #abusive parents #gaslighting #submission

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kffandom · 7 years

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i’ve really been in the mood for writing some polyamory lately, and with what’s been on my dash, i felt like this was a good time to do it. this is my first time seriously writing a pairing with more than 2 people involved, so please feel free to give me constructive criticism on how to improve in the future if i did anything poorly.

it’s very mercy-centric, just fyi.

thanks~

---

angela sees fareeha amari for the first time when fareeha’s 12 and she’s 17. she’s been at overwatch for a few months when ana brings her daughter to work--her nanny was sick, and since ana was just doing paperwork for the day anyway, it was easier to bring her along.

angela, long before she became the graceful guardian angel of overwatch, was a teenager with balance issues and insecurity over her weight, who dressed in baggy clothes underneath a lab coat. she nearly bowls fareeha over and spends a solid three minutes stammering apologies and helping her up under the watchful gaze of captain amari. she thinks that little fareeha looks a lot like her mother, but she has softer eyes.

angela scurries off, busy with work, and fareeha watches her leave before ana’s gently pushing her towards her office.

angela sees fareeha for the second time when she’s lying in the middle of the typical omnic-human warzone and wondering if it’s time for her to just. stop. she could heal herself---it’s a gunshot wound through her middle, and if she would just pick up her staff and click it on---

but she’s tired. has been tired since overwatch fell, since no one would take her into their research programs when dr. ziegler was synonymous with “overwatch’s nanotech research department” for years, since she has been offering her assistance to only the most desperate, because that’s all that would accept her help in the aftermath

(she’s been tired since all of her friends scattered to the wind and she was left alone and had no idea where to go or what to do.)

she swears that if she’s still conscious in a minute, if she hasn’t caught any other bullets, she’ll pick her staff up and fix herself. it’d be selfish to let her tech go to waste when she can keep living and use it to help, but. well.

it’s at forty-five seconds when a mech of some sort lands beside her, conveniently in her line of sight. it stalks over to her, heedless of the fighting still going on, and curls over her as a shield

“miss, i’m going to get you out of here.”

“i’m fine, just--scoot up a bit, i just needed a minute--” angela sits up, with some effort, while this mech pilot continues to shield her. it takes seconds for her staff to fix the wound, and she feels reinvigorated with the residual energy. “alright, you were flying overhead, yes?”

“yes.”

“did you see where help was needed? i’m a field medic. it’d be helpful if you directed me to where i’m needed.”

“let me give you a lift.”

with that, she’s unceremoniously scooped up, and she only yelps a little. the pilot chuckles for just a second.

she doesn’t know why this pilot was here in the first place, but she assists angela for the rest of the day. flying her from shelter to shelter, assisting where angela needed an extra hand or two, bringing her water after a few hours--

at the end, when both sides have retreated and nothing living remains, angela thanks her.

“it’s no problem, dr. ziegler,” fareeha says as she takes off her helmet. “i’m captain fareeha amari. it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“you as well. your help was invaluable today.”

they look at each other for a moment--two moments--a little longer than is socially appropriate, and angela hurriedly clears her throat when she realizes it.

“if you ever need my assistance, please don’t hesitate to contact me,” she says as she pulls out a business card. (it’s the future so i imagine it’s like, all futuristic and holo-techy, so she can just print them out straight from her staff. she spends so much time in the field that when she wants people to follow up with her, i bet it’s just easier to be able to hand them something without having to carry around a box of business cards lol) “i must be on my way.”

“of course. again, dr. ziegler,” and fareeha picks up angela’s hand, angela thinks it’s for a handshake at first but then she pulls it up and presses her lips to it. “it was a pleasure.”

angela laughs for the first time in months and says, “please, captain. angela is fine. i do hope you’ll call.”

she’s pleased to see fareeha flush red and hurriedly put her helmet back on before zooming off with a short, awkward wave. it’s---it’s nice to feel attractive when she’s spent all day running-sprinting-fixing without a break, when she knows she’s sweaty and exhausted.

she does hope fareeha will call.

---

on the other end of things: i imagine after genji’s cyborgification, he has a long, long adjustment period. to me, angela doesn’t seem like that’d be anything she had a hand in---she’s a prodigy, they don’t exactly scream “social skills”, so even though she’s adorable and likable and polite, i don’t think she’d be the best person (or even an option) to be walking genji through physical therapy or any stage of recovery. she’d be there for ensuring his body was calibrated and being taken care of correctly, but i imagine she had little interaction with him after the initial surgery

he pops up afterwards, after he’s been cleared for duty, and he asks her a few basic questions before asking, bluntly, “why did they tell you to put so many resources into saving me, doctor?”

she cocks her head to the side, purposefully ignoring his stance meant to put her on edge. “ ‘they’?”

“overwatch. blackwatch. whoever sent the orders down. it doesn’t particularly matter who. what does matter is why they told you to.”

“they didn’t,” she says simply. “gabriel brought you in--he’s been working the shimada case for years, you understand. he knew there was going to be a blowout and was on standby. when he brought you in, i did what life-saving measures i could--we didn’t have your records, we had no idea if this kind of life is what you would want or if you would prefer to die, and no one could make a decision.

“so i did. i did what i could.”

he cocks his head at her, and she waits, patiently.

“i apologize if this wasn’t what you wanted. i understand it is a significant decrease in quality of life. to me, preserving life is the most important goal when a person’s desires don’t directly clash with it, and i made a judgment call when you were incapable of responding.”

she isn’t sorry, is the thing. she has no idea if genji wanted to live after what had been done to him, but she had to assume that he did. it’s not hers or any other doctor’s right to say, “well, he would probably prefer to die,” but it is their job to /help/ and to heal.

she did her job. if he hates her for that, if he is miserable and doesn’t want to live this way, then she will offer painless alternatives. if he hates her enough to retaliate---well. she’s lived on borrowed time for many years. it has to run out someday.

she waits.

he nods, finally.

“thank you, dr. ziegler. i apologize for my hostile approach.”

he leaves, after that.

she isn’t his primary physician after he joins blackwatch, but she does treat him a few times. they speak more or less amicably, and they have lunch together a few times. she’s one of the only people who has seen him without his visor on, and if she’s being honest, he’s a very, very cute man. he’s as kind as he can be, she thinks--with the trauma he’s been through, it’s amazing he isn’t nastier. but he’s very, very cold. very distanced.

when overwatch falls, though, he disappears like everyone else. a little meanly, she thinks she’s glad for not letting them become real friends if he was going to abandon her just like the others. she never did find out if he hated her for making him an asset that overwatch couldn’t afford to let go.

(she sort of hopes that he did. that he still does.)

it’s almost a year later when she receives a letter from him--a handwritten letter, which is incredibly rare in their age. it’s shaky--from a hand that doesn’t write often, or is getting used to fine motor control that isn’t using a weapon, if she had to speculate.

it makes her cry, because she’s been alone for so long and it’s pages of genji thanking her and apologizing for appearing ungrateful for her hard work. apologizing for every time he had been cold or rude, for every time he didn’t thank her for healing him, for every time he demanded her aid---

he thanks her so many times, and at the end he says he misses her company.

she cries for a long time that night. she responds first thing in the morning, and thus begins their correspondence.

she sends him much longer letters than he ever does, and to make up for his brevity, he sends her little things--a rock he thought was neat, a yellow leaf, a ribbon, a feather.

---

when the recall happens, mercy and pharah are two of the first to join up. (pharah received the recall in place of ana, because winston never stopped keeping an eye on her after ana’s ‘death’. and he knows that even if pharah doesn’t want to join up, she’ll keep quiet about it and help where she can. it’s more than he could hope for that she actually responds.)

they greet each other warmly, and spend the rest of the meeting arguing about what direction to take overwatch in. (mercy always wants it to be less violent, more pacifistic, whereas pharah has fought their enemies in the past and knows that they can’t only be reactionary.)

it’s thrilling, weirdly. angela, at the end, is almost huffing from how much she yelled, and fareeha’s face is flushed and has a bit of sweat at her temples. she thinks this discussion is good, in the end, because new overwatch can’t be a group of ‘yes-men’. there needs to be discussion.

it’s later that evening, an hour or so after angela’s taken one of the computer terminals to watch something mind-numbing, when fareeha walks up and says, “your ideals are admirable, doctor.”

“i believe i asked you a few weeks ago to call me angela, my friend,” she responds after a brief pause. “would it be rude of me to request that we keep ‘ideal’ talk to the meeting room? i’m looking for some escapism right now, i’m afraid.”

“with food network?” fareeha asks, a light note of teasing under her tone. “are you a cook as well, angela?”

“i wish,” she laughs. “i’ve never been in one place long enough to own a stove, i’m afraid. i’ve never had a chance to make anything more complex than a sandwich.”

“i believe there’s a kitchen here. fully stocked, if winston is to be believed.”

angela isn’t really certain how fareeha convinced her to bake cookies at midnight, but she did.

it’s a really, really good night. it’s been a long time since angela partook in something she wasn’t automatically skilled at--she really has never done any baking or cooking, so fareeha has to show her how to do everything. cracking an egg, measuring flour, even how much to stir ( “are you sure we’re not over-stirring it?” “it has to be smooth, see. you don’t want any lumps.” “Oh, i guess that makes sense.” “what?” “well i mean. doesn’t that just. bake out?” “If you like lumpy cookies, we can stop now--”)

she’s covered in flour and dough and stickiness, and it’s great. fareeha winks at her as she slides the trays into the oven.

“not bad for never baking before.”

“we had to throw away an entire batch because i didn’t know the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon,” angela says through laughter.

“thankfully, you’re a smart cookie--”

“i cannot believe you just said that!” She starts laughing harder.

while they’re waiting for the cookies to bake, they sit on the floor across from the oven. fareeha’s legs are curled up against her chest while angela lets hers lay out in front of her.

“are you afraid of what rejoining overwatch will do to your reputation?” fareeha asks quietly. “after i met you, i asked around. many of my colleagues spoke of your skill and kindness on the field. you’re highly respected. rejoining may tarnish that.”

“fareeha, i have no reputation that can fall further than it already has,” angela grins as she says it. “i don’t have a medical license anymore, you realize? when overwatch fell the first time around, no one would take me. everything i do is illegal. i volunteer where i can and i take myself where people need me too badly to refuse. i stay as up to date as i can and i do my own work and research when i can, but my savings were only going to last maybe two or three more years.

“I would’ve been in jail or dead eventually if overwatch hadn’t reformed.”

fareeha stares at her, and angela laughs awkwardly. “so, no. i’m not afraid. i’ll keep doing what i’ve been doing and try to help who i can until my time’s up. it sounds like you might be afraid, though.”

fareeha swallows and looks away. “perhaps. i believe that overwatch is the right place for me. it is doing the right thing that other organizations are willfully refusing to do. but it is difficult to walk away from a position i was good at and was meaningful to me.

“i can’t /not/ be part of overwatch---this is where the fight for justice begins. i truly believe that. now that i’ve made the decision though, the future is much more daunting.”

“that’s understandable. but fareeha, you are braver than me---braver than most of the others here--for making this decision.”

“you all are taking the same risks.”

“yes, but we have nothing to lose,” angela smiles. “if i want to continue working, i need overwatch and its resources. and while i believe in its message, you can already see how hesitant i am to take any meaningful steps with it after overwatch’s last failures. i am mostly here because i need to be. i assure you that in their own ways, that’s why everyone else has returned.

“you, however--you had no real ties to overwatch. yet here you are. ready to fight with us because you want to do the right thing.” she stretches briefly and continues, “it’s admirable. you’re a brave woman. i’m looking forward to working with you.”

the timer dings before angela can see fareeha’s reaction (a wide-eyed, confused look, before her eyes darted down to her fidgeting hands), and they keep talking as they eat them. they made a few dozen and eat at least a dozen and a half that night, just between the two of them.

when they go their separate ways, angela sucks in a small but sharp breath when fareeha’s hand brushes hers. it startles her more than she thinks it should.

they click, is the thing. they work well together, and even when they disagree they can sort it out. they can joke around and comfort each other, and fareeha even drops off a box lunch whenever she’s on base and sees that the doctor has been in her lab since 4AM.

angela is grateful for fareeha’s presence in her life, even if the warm, simmering undertones are somewhat confusing. sometimes their interactions are tense in a not-altogether-unpleasant way and angela is a little ashamed to admit she doesn’t know what to do about it.

so she doesn’t do anything.

---

it’s a few months later when genji shows up, with his friend/teacher/perhaps something more/etc. zenyatta in tow.

“i apologize for my delay,” he says when he arrives, after winston determines he is who he claims to be. “we had to complete prior obligations before we could join you, and i didn’t want to try sending a message when i was uncertain about your position.”

angela runs up to him and stops short, uncertain. they have written each other for years at this point, and while she believes they’re close, are they close enough for physical contact? when he shunned it so determinedly before?

he solves it for her by bringing her into a tight hug.

“dr. ziegler. i am so happy to see you here.”

her eyes water, and she tucks her head into his shoulder. it’s one of the warmest hugs she’s received. “genji, you are more than welcome to call me angela. it is very, very good to see you.”

they pull away, and he’s visorless and smiling at her. it’s a good moment.

when she’s introduced to zenyatta, she feels like she’s met a kindred soul. he radiates kindness and understanding, and he asks her (rather intense) questions about her medical methods and the technology she created when she had overwatch’s seemingly endless resources

“i apologize if i am overwhelming you, dr. ziegler,” he says suddenly. “when genji began to heal, he spoke of you quite at length. i did a great deal of research into your work and it has fascinated me for years now. i was... excited to speak with you.”

“it’s not a problem,” she replies happily. “it’s not often that someone wants to speak about my work in depth. i, too, have questions about your own methods--genji has described them somewhat in his letters, but i admit i’m curious and would love a demonstration and the chance to discuss it with you.”

zenyatta has kind body language, and he isn’t afraid to reach out and take her hands. she lets him because he is so overtly kind. she wonders, idly, how he will fare on a battlefield, or if he is expecting to remain

“you are a wonderfully gifted woman, dr. ziegler. i would be honored.”

she blushes at his sincerity.

angela feels oddly shy around genji at first. she’s feeling out how he is in person--in written word, he’s polite and concise with good humor, but she remembers how he was before he left.

to be honest, she had no idea that he had healed so much. he’s much more comfortable in his skin, and she shrieks the first time he sweeps her up with one arm and runs down the corridor with her on his back just because she said she’d never had a piggyback ride before

“genji!”

“i’m sorry angela, but it had to be done,” he says, faux-seriously. he’s running faster than any human could, and it’s somewhat exhilarating and somewhat horrifying. she holds on around his neck tightly.

he runs all over base, even kicking off of walls and jumping high enough that she could touch the base’s high, high ceilings if she let go of him long enough. she shrieks with laughter and can’t help but laugh harder when she hears his whoops of joy

it’s easier to be open with him, after that. he’s clearly ready to be open and available to her, so she responds in kind.

he starts a trend of appearing, randomyl, throughout the day and dragging her away from non-essential work. he takes her to eat almost every day once he learns that she rarely eats lunch that isn’t directly brought to her.

“it’s not healthy to be cooped up in a laboratory all day, angela,” he chides her gently one day. he pushes a plate into her hand and grabs his own, motioning for her to follow him. “let’s eat outside today. i won’t ask when the last time you saw sun was, but i imagine you could use it today.”

she doesn’t argue--is exhausted after countless hours spent staring at journals and articles and trying desperately to keep up to date when she’s so isolated from the medical community. she’s an innovator, true, but only through other people’s previous work and help to build off of, and it’s /hard/ not having the personal connections with researchers like she used to.

they find a soft patch of grass, not too far from the entrance to the base, and sprawl out in it. angela’s laying down completely and shoving half of a sandwich into her mouth at once, hoping there’s some way she can drink her water without having to sit up.

genji asks, “why do you push yourself so hard?”

she thinks for a minute before shrugging. “i always have. i don’t think i know how to go easy. and i shouldn’t when i can work hard and accomplish great things. it’d be lazy and irresponsible not to.”

“it’s not lazy to take breaks.”

she shrugs. then startles when genji grabs her hands and drags her to her feet.

“let’s climb a tree.”

“uh. why?”

“just because. when was the last time you did something just because you could?”

she climbs a tree for the first time that day, with genji carefully monitoring and making sure she won’t misstep. they find a branch that’s stable enough to hold her and get her positioned to sit on it, while genji dangles off of the trunk, holding on with only one hand.

“i need to get back to work.”

“play a round of ‘I spy’ with me first?”

so she does. but then he beats her, which means it has to be a two out of three type of thing so she can redeem herself. before she knows it, they’ve been out there for two hours and they’re arguing over whether that flower is blue or purple.

she feels better, afterwards.

---

she and fareeha spent a lot more time together before genji arrived, but they still spend plenty of time together preparing for missions together, going on actual missions together, and having their post-mission baking/watching tv/talking/almost-cuddling-but-not-quite-touching/etc. sessions. they’re extremely de-stressing while simultaneously riling angela up in a way she doesn’t want to acknowledge. angela tries to get across how grateful she is for fareeha’s presence in her life by trying to be as comforting as she is, letting her pick what they make when she’s teaching angela to cook, by not being /too/ pushy. she loves spending time with fareeha, but she worries that she clings to the other woman too tightly.

genji tends to bug her during the day---fareeha feels like she’s imposing if she walks into angela’s lab while she’s working and prefers to let angela approach her or for their work to bring them together, but genji will stop by to drag her away from work without caring if she’s in the middle of something or not, especially if its a mealtime. she and genji rarely are in the field together, rarely spend time right before or right after missions together since she’s with fareeha, so he approaches her during her downtime. she hates it, a little bit, because sometimes she has to firmly turn him away when she really can’t leave the work, and he looks downtrodden. he’s a ray of sunshine when she’s stressed or tired, and she appreciates his work to cheer her up. he doesn’t need her relying on him, though, not when he’s finally content and comfortable in his skin--she doesn’t want to be clingy with him either.

she and zenyatta, too, become fairly close in a different way. they’re the only medics overwatch has, for now, and while zenyatta is skilled---he’s not a trained doctor, for one, but he’s also not a trained medic. angela basically has to teach him general doctor-first-aid that’s a few steps above general first-aid the average person learns, and she has to teach him how to heal in the middle of combat

he’s an excellent student and thankfully a fast learner. angela’s the first to admit she’s naturally impatient, and she’s not sure how well they would’ve worked if he hadn’t been as sharp as she is.

they have a really intense night where he stays late since they’re discussing something, and angela can’t help herself any longer.

she has to ask him it, even though it’s exposing her inner insecurities more than she’s comfortable with. but she has to know.

“what did you see in genji that made you want to help him?”

he cocks his head to the side--a motion he and genji both do frequently, and she wonders who started it. “i saw a lost young man who was struggling to atone for his past mistakes while simultaneously struggling to comprehend the wrongs that had been done to him. i saw someone who i could help, so i did what i could.”

it resonates with her. she asks, “do you. is there--?” she trails off.

he takes her hands in his own, and she gets the feeling that he’d smile at her if he could. “angela. you are not irredeemable. whatever sins are behind you--i have followed your work since i became aware of you. you have done much good. clearly, you are working to remedy the wrongs you feel you have committed.” he pauses, before adding, quietly, “i wish you would stop punishing yourself, though.”

she recoils. “i’m not sure what you mean.”

“helping people is admirable. you are very good at helping people. however, helping yourself appears to be beyond your reach.” he reaches a hand up and cups her face. “you are allowed to do both, my friend.”

“i don’t. i don’t know.”

“if you can’t help yourself, perhaps there are others that can.” his “eyes” meet hers. “you know who i speak of. you reaching out to me means you recognize it as well.”

she swallows.

“think about it.” he says, a little airily as he releases her hands. “i, and others, are here for you.”

---

angela does some soul searching. it’s very meaningful, i assure you, but the important bits are: she’s happier, with fareeha and genji in her life. she thinks she needs to tell them, directly, how much they’ve helped her. she thinks she needs to tell them that abandonment is one of her greatest fears and that she would appreciate reassurance from them that they won’t leave her if she does something wrong.

(that she still wonders if she had been a better daughter if her parents wouldn’t have died, that if she had been a better person if her aunt wouldn’t have dropped her off at an orphanage and never looked back, that if she had been smarter or kinder or /better/ if she could’ve made anyone stay after overwatch fell--)

when she makes the decision, she feels content. it’s something she needs to do, so she’ll do it. it’ll be scary, but stepping between two guns to get to a hurt omnic is scary too. and she’s done that before.

she gathers up her courage (like fareeha, who’s always so brave) and her confidence (like genji, who went through so much to get that confidence), and she walks into the living area athena told her genji and fareeha were in

and she immediately yelps and backs out because.

wow.

that was a lot of skin.

a lot of. noise.

a lot.

a lot, she finishes.

“angela, wait--!”

“damn it, just-- angela, please!”

she walks down the hallway quickly--not quite running, but very close. she passes lena, who tries to stop her with a, “oi, angie, y’alright there? what’s the matter luv?” and a hand, but she shrugs her off and keeps going.

her lab has very nice doors. they slide open for her automatically because they recognize her, and she can lock them just by clapping her hands. they’re good doors.

she leans back against them and slides down until she’s sitting, and she can’t quite figure out why she’s crying.

(here’s the story that angela didn’t get:

when genji reappeared, he was prepared to woo angela. he and zenyatta are close, and while they don’t have a label, their relationship, while deep, isn’t sexual. and zenyatta has given genji the green light to pursue angela--admires angela long before they meet her, and once he does meet her, respects her and adores her in his own way.

genji didn’t expect competition--she’s very strict about doctor-patient relationships, so any former patients (aka: all of overwatch) wouldn’t be available for at least two years. and now, with zenyatta there, he would be genji’s primary “physician/caretaker” and therefore there wouldn’t be a conflict of interests.

the only obstacle he foresaw was his relationship with zenyatta that was already in place. and perhaps she would be okay with his emotional connection with zenyatta, which is more intimate than family or friendship.

he didn’t expect fareeha, who’s already wormed her way into angela’s heart. who rarely gets injured, and when she does, it’s minor enough that angela isn’t really being a doctor or a medic. there’s no conflict there, and now with zenyatta there, there doesn’t have to be one for angela with fareeha either.

and fareeha’s kind and strong--exactly what angela deserves.

it’s a complication he didn’t expect. it keeps him from brushing hair out of her face, from hugging her every time he sees her, from trying to kiss her when she laughs to see what it feels like.

it /hurts/, and while he’s found peace, that doesn’t mean he isn’t still vulnerable to the occasional turmoil.

fareeha, in turn, recognizes that angela could love genji. and when she starts spending more and more time with him, she’s heartbroken. has no idea how she can compete with someone so funny and cheerful. someone who has fought his way back to angela’s side.

genji is kind and happy--angela could use more than a little of that. they have history, and it’s been long enough that angela’s work on him as a doctor can’t be holding her back.

she stops herself from reaching out to angela, from taking that tension between them and crushing it with their lips---

they would be great together, fareeha knows, and it aches.

the first time genji and fareeha are alone together is. bad. they’re painfully awkward with each other but semi-trying to make an effort because they care for angela and want to support her by being kind to those who care for her.

fareeha says, “angela and i made chicken soup for dinner last night, if you’re hungry. leftovers are in the fridge.”

“you made soup?” he asks, skeptically.

“yes? why?”

“oh. nothing.”

fareeha gives him an unimpressed look. “what?”

“it’s just. angela doesn’t like soup.”

fareeha feels her face flush with anger. “well, she liked this soup.”

“i’m certain,” he says, more than a little disdain dripping out of his mouth. his visor is down.

it does pretty downhill from there. he claims that fareeha doesn’t listen to her well enough, and she retorts that at least she listens to her and doesn’t distract her from work.

they’re not yelling, but it’s close.

eventually, they stop saying anything and just stare at each other. fareeha’s shaking, on the verge of screaming or crying, while genji appears to have locked every joint in place.

“you don’t have to be jealous,” fareeha says tightly. “we’re not--” she cuts off and directs her eyes to the ground, still furious.

“we’re not either,” he snaps. “you have no more right to be jealous than i do.”

they both deflate after a moment. genji snaps his visor up and sighs.

“it’s not easy loving her.”

“she’s painfully oblivious. she needs help---”

“and she never asks for it!” they finish together, exasperatedly. they share a small, tired smile.

“i’m sorry.”

“no, don’t be. i’m sorry.”

“we were both--” fareeha waves her hands ambiguously. “yeah.”

“may i make tea for us both? I believe we need to talk more. perhaps a little calmer.”

“perhaps,” she teases lightly. “i’ll grab some snacks to go with. meet back here in fifteen?”

things get better rather quickly. they’re more alike than they thought, and they have weekly tea. there’s a certain camaraderie they formed, with their mutual unrequited love that neither feels they have a right to take action on.

it’s unspoken between them that the choice is angela’s. she could choose either or neither.

fareeha appreciates that she can be boisterous with genji. she punches him in the side when he gets too exuberant and he just laughs in her face and shoves her back. they get to the point where they tease each other and wrestle and generally annoy the crap out of each other, but with bright smiles on their face

they also drink together, because anyone else on base who would drink with them either 1) really shouldn’t unless someone’s willing to be sober and keep an eye on them or 2) really shouldn’t drink in general because they probably have a problem. genji’s a fun, bouncy drunk, and fareeha is lazy and happy to throw an arm over him to pin him down and keep him from running up the walls.

he’s giggly too, and. it’s not surprising when he pecks fareeha on the lips, tasting like cheap rum. it’s meant affectionately, playfully, but it lingers a little longer than a drunk-friends-aren’t-we-cute kind of kiss would. it’s very surprising when fareeha pulls him back for another one.)

---

they’re maybe kind of dating. kind of? it’s complicated, because it’s no secret that they both still love angela, but they’re starting to care for each other. and it’s really nice to have someone, and to hold someone.

they both think, on separate occasions, “this is nice.”

it feels semi-dishonest, because they don’t tell anyone except zenyatta (zenyatta knows, of course, because genji tells him everything. fareeha and zenyatta aren’t more than somewhat aware of each other, but they’re amicable. they have a few conversations, where zenyatta, rather bluntly, says, “you are aware of genji’s feelings for dr. ziegler, yes?” and she responded with, “as much as he is aware of mine for her as well.” other than that, they’re acquaintances but not close. not yet.)

but they don’t tell angela or anyone else because they’re both still sort of waiting to see if angela will pick one of them. they also don’t feel “serious” enough to warrant telling people, because outside of the sexual aspect, they’re mostly just friends. they don’t feel any obligation to the other.

but again. both of them still are close with angela, and when fareeha comes back to her room after post-mission de-stress with angela or when genji comes back to his room after getting angela out of her lab for a few hours, the other one’s there with sympathetic eyes and open arms.

it’s complicated. especially for genji, who is already emotionally intimate with zenyatta and juggling these similar but still different emotions for three (3) people

and then angela walks in on them.

fareeha barely got her bra back on and her pants pulled up, and genji got himself situated and threw sweatpants on, before they’re running after her while cursing at each other

( “you and your stupid exhibition kink, we shouldn’t have been in the open--” “you weren’t disagreeing when i brought it up! don’t act like you don’t like it--god, did you see her?” “she looked /crushed/, genji.”)

they reach her lab just moments after she shuts the doors. it’s the first time fareeha’s banging on the door while genji hesitates, wondering if they’re welcome.

“angela, please--can we talk? can we talk about this?”

genji crosses his arms and looks away, feeling hollow and /bad/. fareeha’s near tears and still knocking until athena comes onto the speaker near them and passes on a request from angela to stop

it’s very quiet, after fareeha stops knocking. they don’t look at each other.

everything is very complicated and messy and neither really knows what to do. so it’s days until anything happens. zenyatta gives them both unimpressed hums when he sees their stress because this could’ve all been avoided if they had talked to angela before.

(he’s a little ticked because he literally just got angela to decide to open up to them and they blow it. he’s aware it’s irrational because it’s not their fault that she wandered in at an inopportune moment and it’s not their fault that she’s confused and hurt but. he’s twenty. he’s allowed to be a little irrational, according to television.)

it’s a few days before angela has a mission when genji and fareeha approach her. they carefully walk into her lab, where the doors are wide open and she’s only working on inventory. she has a clipboard in front of her and is making tick marks and muttering. she has tired eyes, but greets them with a bright smile.

“hello there. i--” she clears her throat and says, eyes carefully not meeting theirs. “i’m sorry for walking in on you two. i will endeavor to knock before entering rooms from now on. i also apologize for my, ah. overreaction.”

“you don’t need to apologize,” genji says slowly. “but fareeha and i do believe that we need to talk. all three of us.”

angela juts her chin out and says, tightly, “do you really need me to say it?” she doesn’t wait for an answer before almost hissing, “i fell in love with you, genji, when you came back and smiled and tried to get me to dance with you to stupid, ridiculous pop music. when you smiled at me, and you just kept smiling. and all i ever want to do is make sure you keep smiling, and i want you to smile because of /me./”

before he can react, she shoves the palms of her hands against her eyes and says, loudly, “and i fell in love with you, fareeha, when i found out you learned how to make homemade doughnuts just in time for the holidays because i said i missed them, and when your eyes were so /bright/ when i ate the first one, when you were so happy to share it with me.” her voice cracks. “your eyes are so beautiful, fareeha, and every time you look at me i want to be a better person and do better, i want us to make overwatch something amazing but even more than that i want us to be something amazing because i know--- i know that we could be, i do.”

they don’t say anything and she lets her hands fall to her sides and smiles oddly.

“i want to say that i’m happy for you two,” she says, almost normally. “but i’m selfish. so i’m not, really, because i don’t want you two to be together without me. and that’s not fair of me to ask, i know that.” she turns around and starts to walk back to her desk. “i would appreciate some time alone to come to terms with this development, thank you.”

“what if we’re offering?” fareeha says quickly. “what if you don’t have to ask?”

“don’t tease.”

genji speaks up, just as quickly. “i fell in love with you when i found you asleep at your desk with at least three journals about prosthetics and adjusting to their use under your head, a week after my surgeries. when in that same week, you made the adjustments that made everything more /real/ and gave me the ability to feel and touch back.”

“that was years ago,” she cuts in, turning around and shaking her head. “it’s not--”

“i fell in love with you again,” genji continues over her walking forward and taking her hands. “when i returned and you had my favorite tea stocked, as if you were certain i’d come back eventually. when you let me show up at three in the morning for company, when i felt alone, and even though you were busy, you sat and played hangman and tic tac toe and other, ridiculous, schoolchildren games with me. i fall in love with you every time you smile at me. i didn’t know how to tell you, and i faltered. i am so sorry for ever letting you believe i didn’t love you, angela.”

angela can feel her lip tremble.

fareeha steps forward too, and reaches out to get a hold on angela’s shoulder. she says, “i fell in love with you when you tried to ice the chocolate cake we made and broke the bag, and you decided to just smear it on with your hands. i l fell in love with you when you fell asleep on my shoulder after watching your favorite movie. you drooled. i remember wishing that i could have you drool on me every night after,” she laughs gently. “i want you, and your drool, and your poor taste in movies, and your sometimes painful optimism, because you make me the best i can be.”

fareeha reaches up to cup her cheek and swipe a thumb across, catching a few tears, and genji’s hands tighten around hers. fareeha continues, “i love you, and i know it because only that could make me cowardly enough to not tell you until now. you talk about how brave i am, yet i couldn’t tell the woman how i felt. i never want you to feel unloved again, angela. i am so, so sorry.”

she can’t talk for awhile, and she lets the two of them hold her. when she has herself together, she clears her throat and grabs back at them. wraps an arm around fareeha’s waist, tentatively until she steps closer to make it easier for angela’s arm to fit. she wraps her other arm around genji’s shoulders, again tentatively until he moves closer.

they’re in a warm, tight circle that’s almost a hug but not quite.

“thank you. i don’t--we need to talk more. but maybe after a nap?” she says quietly. like a secret, between the three of them. “i’ve been up for thirty-six hours.”

she can’t help but grin when they both pull out of her grasp to gripe at her and tug her towards one of their rooms.

( “angela, you must take better care of yourself--” “thirty-six hours! you are ridiculous, habibti, you look like you’re about to fall over!” )

---

they talk.

(unsurprisingly, so does everyone else. they don’t worry about it too much, though genji gets self-conscious sometimes when all three are being affectionate in public)

----

zenyatta is eventually officially genji’s boyfriend, though he’s not involved with angela or fareeha. he and angela are good friends, but once they are more involved in missions and providing support, their relationship becomes more like a “brothers-in-arms” and they tend to turn to each other for support they can’t get from their significant others.

zenyatta and fareeha are sort of like workplace friends. they get along well enough and can talk and joke readily enough, but they don’t really interact outside of events where they need to be near each other. they work together for genji’s surprise party, though fareeha almost blows it--twice.

zenyatta reassures her that it’s not a character flaw that she can’t think of lies easily. fareeha tells him that just because genji has synthetic taste buds doesn’t mean that he would like joint grease in his cake so please don’t stir with your own hands.

genji and fareeha’s relationship stays much the same, as in: they don’t really go out on dates with just the two of them, because while they both love angela and care about each other, they’re not really great together romantically. they like to sleep together every once in awhile, and they like sharing a bed when it’s all three of them together, but generally if angela’s on a solo mission, genji stays with zenyatta and fareeha lounges in their king-sized bed and spreads out for the night. they bug the crap out of each other while loving every minute of it, and they dote on angela separately and together. they love to organize huge romantic gestures together to surprise her with.

they’re the ones who get into short but sharp arguments, who are the first to accuse the other of not being completely invested in all of their partners equally. (which they never mean, but it’s a fear they all share and they try to be open about it and reassure each other when it pops up) they’re also the first to forgive, though. they make up after their arguments almost immediately.

they watch hockey together! don’t ask me why hockey, it just seems fitting--that’s Their Thing. they like to buy jerseys for each other from teams that have bird mascots. angela gets them tickets to go to the stanley cup in america for fareeha’s birthday.

angela and genji go dancing, frequently. when it’s just the two of them, they have dates geared towards fun. they like to try to get off base and they very much act like two young kids in love--when 76 sees them alone together, he will literally turn around and walk in the other direction because they’re sickeningly sweet. they’re the “oh let me feed you this by hand~” and gaze into each other’s eyes type of together. their arguments are painfully

when they argue it’s almost scarily civil. it’s generally milder but about more serious things, because neither of them like to bring up sad/bad things unless they have to, so it’s generally been simmering for awhile by the time they get to “discussing” it. they try to follow the “don’t go to bed angry” rule, except neither is really sure when the situation’s been solved adequately because they’re both passive aggressive and go, “oh okay. no it’s fine. really.” things do eventually get resolved but it takes a little while longer

they watch sad movies together and see who cries first. whoever cries first has to be the in-between squished one in bed that night. (all three of them hateeeee being in the middle for longer than twenty minutes because it’s gets hot with all of them squished together but someone has to bear that cuddly and toasty burden) genji likes to pick angela up but angela likes to hold genji when they’re cuddling or sleeping.

(they are gentle and loving, and they are great together.)

angela and fareeha are still a force to be reckoned with on the field, and now off the field they’re almost always in sync. they still have explosive arguments about overwatch’s direction, but they’re actually pretty good at not taking work “home”. when it’s just the two of them, they like to relax and just. appreciate each other. at every base, they call dibs on the room with its own bathroom and enjoy taking scrunched up baths together when they can. angela bought fareeha this cozy bathrobe, and they both race to jump out first when the water gets cold to put it on and revel in its plushness.

they don’t get into as many arguments with each other as they do individually with genji, and sometimes genji brings up concerns that maybe it’d be better if they split into genji and zenyatta, and angela and fareeha, rather than sticking with fareeha + angela + genji(zenyatta). they both cling to him a little bit when he brings up those worries, and eventually angela finds the right way to explain it to him. ( “we argue so much about overwatch in general and how it should be run that by the time we get back, we’re so relieved to be done with those types of arguments that not much pisses us off more than what we were just arguing about. we’re still evening out to the same amount of irritation---we don’t get angrier with you, i love you very much, liebling.”

“besides that,” fareeha adds. “the reason we don’t get into full scale arguments between the three of us is because you play mediator and keep a cool head when it’s all of us.”

it makes him feel a lot better, and they spend the night together to cement it.)

angela and fareeha play board games--i’m serious. trivial pursuit, cranium, sorry!, uno--they get so competitive and they’ll have entire tournaments trying to determine who’s the “best”. angela’s the reigning champ at jenga, but fareeha kicks her ass at scrabble and any trivia game.

fareeha loves hugging. not even cuddling, necessarily, but she goes out of her way to hug angela every time she sees her. loves to bury her face in angela’s hair and be squeezed in return. angela likes to give hugs where she squeezes as hard as she can and it makes fareeha laugh because her partner is so, so cute.

(there’s talk that they’re following in jack and gabe’s footsteps. that they could bring overwatch to new heights, together. the difference between the two pairs, though, is that there’s no resentment between angela and fareeha. they want the best for each other and while they have differing opinions, they both are idealistic and they want overwatch to be great--they want to do good.

they’re leaders, and they’re good ones. they’re great together, on and off the field.)

all three of them together is something adorable. it’s very affectionate--fareeha and genji together are snickers and banter, talking-jabbing-kissing in rapid succession. genji and angela together are sweet, almost shy glances and touches that just are barely there. angela and fareeha together are lingering, smoldering looks and soft sighs. but when it’s all three, it’s just warm and kind, all around.

they revolve around angela, if they look at it objectively. she’s the center for the most part (bed positions generally excluded, because she claims an edge before the other two about fifty percent of the time). on angela’s end, it’s comforting when both of them are on either side of her and just /being/ there. she’s clingier to both of them when they’re all together, even when they’re in public.

she likes to hold their hands, even if that leaves both of them with one hand free to pinch and tease the other. sometimes she wishes they loved each other like she loved them--thinks it would be easier, because she wouldn’t worry so much about them developing a rivalry of some sort from their already playful relationship or paying more attention to one over the other

then she realizes she just fought fareeha for a solid five minutes to get the last bite of genji’s ice cream when he said he didn’t want it, and she and fareeha had at least 12 rounds of rock-paper-scissors before there was a winner. so if anyone has a rivalry, it’s really her and fareeha.

and then she realizes that it’s not a matter of paying attention--she pays attention to both of them. and it’s not like she can keep track of how many hours she spends with each in a week. not when their schedules are so clashing, and genji spends half of the week with zenyatta and fareeha goes on more solo missions than either of them combined and angela has her own work to do. if they’re happy, she’s doing fine. it doesn’t have to “even” out.

and they are happy. they all check with each other frequently to ascertain this isn’t too much to handle, and they eventually instate a rule saying that if anyone is feeling neglected, they need to schedule a date for all of them as soon as they’re all at the same base, and if that’s longer than two days away, they have an immediate video call.

it works, for them. there are obstacles and some fumbling, even after they get into the swing of things, but overall---

overall they’re great together. it’s as close to perfect as they could make it.

(i bet they get cheesy promise rings after a few years, and it’s the first time any of them see fareeha really cry. like she’s gotten teary-eyed before, but this was full on waterworks, and that set genji off who was like “you’re not supposed to be the crier damn it you shocked me into crying you’re such a jerk” and then angela’s hiccup-crying and trying to tell the jeweler their ring sizes. it’s a #mess and they’re all pretty embarrassed by the time they leave the store.

and then when they actually get the rings it’s even /more/ crying, except this time it’s a little more solemn and meaningful because they’re actually putting them on each other, and they feel a little silly doing it so intensely but also like it’s something they need and want to do since marriage isn’t really an option with their vigilante-esque lifestyles

they joke about being dr. and mrs. and mr. ziegler, which sets angela off again because it’s not like her last name is anything special, but she was the last one in her immediate family and having other people with her name would actually be really heartwarming. and she’d love to share that with them.

maybe someday, they all think quietly.)

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