#that i feel drained all the time

[calmmyfears]

waking up each morning with indescribable pain since I was age 15 has changed me irreversibly - no dream of mine is stronger than the desire to be pain free again. it's killing me.

#the amount of pain i have to push through #from the second i open my eyes #asks so much courage and strength of me #that i feel drained all the time #i don't want to do this anymore #fibromyalgia #cfs/me #chronic pain #spoonie

[bigfatbreak]

Birds of a Feather previous / next

#my art #feralnette au #birds of a feather #long tags #sorry I went apeshit in the tags #LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW #I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO #its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical #and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread #as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational #in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away #and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do #shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again #legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it #but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings #alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird #she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her #knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself #between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot #and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo #essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that #busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way #to show her she's self sabotaging #cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

*tries to organize my thoughts*

*remembers i'm not in school and therefore beholden to neither heaven nor hell nor any man's grading system*

*joyously shredding & tossing all my carefully arranged 3x5 mental notecards into the air like so much beige confetti. raising my arms in victory, cheering raucously until i accidentally inhale bits of homemade confetti*

(*coughing up itty bits of paper like a cat evicting a hairball with a firm understanding of tenants' rights*) wait wat happens next

#i marie kondoed my thoughts and *i* feel great. but now my stream-of-consciousness has escaped containment #so many innocent bystanders at stake #every time i try to organize my thoughts i run out of plastic bins and have to make a trip to the container store where i get even more dis #racted so. you can't just hand me THIS brain and NO catalogue OR library classification system #and expect me to single-handedly sort through all this nonsense? bad form but fucking form not in my job description #aNYways. formal education sure did a FUCKING NUMBER on us huh #(a number i measure not in gpa or dollars of student debt. #but in the number of therapy sessions & medical debt it will take to recover.) #seriously folks. our education systems are...innately traumatizing for a huge number of students. and we NEED to address this. #the fact that it is culturally common for adults to have anxiety nightmares about school/exams...even decades later? #that is not cute. it is Alarming. #no one--much less entire generations--should be spending their developmental years in an environment of chronic stress & pressure & strain #and yet that is the reality for millions and millions of pre-teen and teenage and young adult students #this isn't healthy and it serves and empowers NO ONE #...except of course the many exploitative educational & financial & debt-collecting institutions thriving from the current balance of power #and of course it's a nefarious and powerful way to sabotage/erase the middle class #which billionaires and the wealth-inequality creators they finance couldn't possibly have any noteworthy interest in whatsoever #it's not like there's an elite group of people with huge financial incentives to drain/steal resources from the masses... #anyways sorry for going all Conspiracy Theory on you. #obviously the billionaires who control the vast majority of our resources and news and political campaign funding #are not tied to every single itty bitty social issue and i'm a silly billy to imply it #please tell elon musk to ignore this tweet i am so subservient and acquiescent #mr musky u r so good at inheriting slavery-built mining fortunes & buying other people's companies #& building rocket ships & fancy cars that do NOT explode/catch fire & also NOT running billion dollar companies into the ground #mr musky u r so talented genius billionaire playboy with 10 kids and ex-wives who find you creepy af babe u r basically iron man

[shokupanko]

First Fukase Friday of 2024! This one took 5hrs lol I wanna to be so extra (─‿─)

#vocaloid #art #fanart #vocaart #fukase #procreate #fukase friday #FIVE HOURS OF MY LIFE #But actually I was working on it for a week on then off so the total time was 5 hours and 11 minutes of insanity #I love creating new outfits so much like designing clothes is sm fun #I was trying to make it steampunk but then it started looking harajuku now I have no idea what it is lol #I feel bad that I had nothing for his birthday but I’m always late for VocalSynth birthdays anyway sooooi #ALSO I SAW THAT SOMEONE SAID MY ART INSPIRES THEM AND OMG I’VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPH #I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH I MISSED YOUUUUUUUU #I tried to make this extra extra detailed which is why it took so long #usually I finished artworks in like an hour hour and a half #but I wanted this one to be ✨special✨ #ALSO can I just say January was like the hardest month of my life? it was so mentally draining and exhausting #I started spending more time with my siblings and now I can’t get away from them lol I love them with my whole soul #no like fr they keep me going and I’ve never been happier #maybe isolating yourself when you’re sad ISNT a good idea and you SHOULD socialize? #I’m big dumb okay #anyway happy Fukase Friday and belated birthday to my special boy #ALSO I REALIZED THAT I’VE NEVER DRAWN HIM WITH HIS MARK???? WHY????

[gideonisms]

I will admit I hate the trend towards measuring how Healthy fictional relationships are. they're not breakfast cereals! we don't need to measure the amount of fiber! even if it did matter how much fiber a fictional relationship has "healthy" is also a very general, vibes-based word for concepts that I think we probably should get more specific about

#here are some great words: 'consensual' 'exploitative' 'fulfilling' 'draining' 'enjoyable' 'painful' 'affectionate' #we can talk about the ways a relationship is or isn't working for the parties involved #without falling back on 'health' #i think that what is considered healthy changes based on the time period and in general as a queer person i do feel a certain hesitance #to just like nod to health without specifying what i mean given the complicated relationship between queerness and #being considered unwell or unhealthy by society/doctors/psychiatry #ultimately this is a small thing and doesn't matter because once again #if everyone in a work of fiction stayed physically and mentally healthy throughout that would be a very boring story. to me #it's just not the type of story i like so it doesn't matter anyway it's just #sometimes i'm like. but we all know there is no one simple standard for health right? right??

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Trigun Thoughts Vol. 1 Pt. 2

So now that I've finished with volume 1, I just wanted to write down a couple thoughts I've had and neat things to point out so far

When I was watching Stampede, I took note of a few kind of textbook avoidant behaviours Vash engages in, and lo and behold, here he is in the manga displaying even more of them. I'll list out a few here.

In order, we have:

Casually asking for a time limit on the interaction (ie. "How long do I have to keep this up before I can leave?")

Attempting to lose people in a crowd

Leaving without saying anything (and as a bonus, dreading being recognized in public)

Over-indulging or over-involving oneself in social events to create a viable excuse to leave suddenly (in this case, he uses alcohol as a reason to "pass out")

Sleeping to avoid unwanted conversation

Escaping to the bathroom to get away for a bit (and also to grumble about it haha)

Playing off sincere reactions by deliberately allowing them to be misinterpreted to avoid personal questions

It's really obvious, even this early in the manga, that Vash is intentionally avoiding prolonged interaction with people, and only involving himself in situations by necessity. He doesn't like attention on himself - the only reason he intentionally draws it is to divert it away from others.

The reason for this is a bit muddy though. It does seem that Vash doesn't particularly enjoy being caught up in drama, and it is also very likely he wishes to get in and out of places as quickly as possible to avoid them getting caught up in his drama too. It may even be that he finds prolonged socializing kind of tiring; that he needs a certain amount of time to himself.

But then there's also this bit, shortly after the celebration, where he pretends to pass out.

This brings in a bit of a guilt aspect to it. It likely has to do with July, or maybe it's due to something else (at this point, we can't say), but I think it's notable that Vash cuts things off shortly before they become intimate. He can play along to make others happy and to share in their joy for a bit, but the second things get too personal or focused on him, he will quietly slip away. Now this is specifically an instance of physical intimacy, but I think it'd probably hold for emotional intimacy as well, given the continuous avoidance and misdirection he does to prevent too many questions.

I made some commentary on Stampede Vash's self-punishing behaviours - specifically, the way he denies himself food. I don't want to get too into it because I don't know if everyone reading this has seen Stampede, but food is framed as something to be shared in the show - so, denying himself food is denying himself the right to share with others, which is denying himself belonging, which is denying himself any semblance of intimacy. (It means other things too, as food-sharing is associated with Rem, but I don't want to get too into it here.)

Vash in the manga doesn't seem to have the same issues with eating, but this is a similar premise - he's denying himself intimacy out of a sense of not being deserving of it.

So, then, there are probably many interwoven reasons for Vash's avoidance - he's sick of the chaos that follows him around, he doesn't want others getting hurt, he gets tired from having to "play it up" all the time, and he seems to also feel that he doesn't deserve that closeness. I'm intrigued to see how Vash's avoidance will be tackled going forward (I'm assuming it will?), and I suspect, more than there being one right reason for it, that all these reasons are actually true to an extent.

On a completely different note, this panel here is the biggest mood. I feel it in my bones.

#me looking at vash's avoidant strategies: ha ha ha. i do that. #me: ...wait. no. that's bad. #meryl says 'vash stop getting into situations' and vash says 'i am trying to get OUT of the situations! i don't want to be here either!!!' #i do think there's a lot of... exhaustion to his character we don't see as much with stampede vash. manga vash looks TIRED man. #it makes sense. we know vash isn't... happy. to say the least. #playing it up all the time when you are not happy - i can tell you any social interaction becomes flat out exhausting #you're always acting. you feel like you have to be so careful with what you say. it's far less draining to just leave the room. #trigun #trigunbookclub #vash the stampede #trigun meta #storyrambles #if i'm just saying what is incredibly obvious or repeating what others have already said i'm sorry. #once i'm caught up i'll follow the book club tag and read what others have written!

[wikiangela]

tease tidbit tuesday

tagged by @thewolvesof1998 @king-buckley 💖

istg soon i'll focus on just one wip and finish it and then move on to the next but for now I'm all over the place so you'll get snippets of everything lmao - married buddie smut again haha

prev snippet

___

It’s just a few seconds of him standing there and admiring his husband, before he gets impatient again, climbs onto the bed and straddles his lap, immediately grinding their hips together, eliciting groans out of them both. He kisses Buck, then grabs his hands, that are on either side of Buck’s head, and laces their fingers together, pinning them down in place, and leans in to kiss Buck’s lips gently. 

“Hello there, Mr. Diaz.” he murmurs, and feels a shiver go through Buck. (...)

“Hi yourself, Mr. Diaz.” Buck grins. “Holy shit, I’m a Diaz.” he adds with a little giggle, sounding genuinely awestruck.

“That you are. Now finally officially.” Eddie smiles. Buck’s been a part of the Diaz family for as long as they’ve known each other. Taking the name is just a formality, really.

___

no pressure tags: @elvensorceress @gaydiaz @diazass @thebravebitch @silentxxsoul @shortsighted-owl @eddiebabygirldiaz @arthursdent @diazblunt @911onabc @spagheddiediaz @housewifebuck @gayhoediaz @rogerzsteven @watchyourbuck @monsterrae1 @honestlydarkprincess @underwater-ninja-13 @eowon @weewootruck @loserdiaz @evanbegins @steadfastsaturnsrings @ladydorian05 @malewifediaz @pirrusstuff @theotherbuckley @911-on-abc @hoodie-buck @wildlife4life @fortheloveofbuddie @nmcggg @diazpatcher @jeeyuns @jesuisici33 @thewolvesof1998 @lover-of-mine @jamespearce9-1-1 @giddyupbuck @spotsandsocks @daffi-990 @exhuastedpigeon @disasterbuckdiaz @buckaroosheart @hippolotamus

#married buddie smut #tease tidbit tuesday #fic snippet #buddie #buddie fic #buddie wip #wikiangela writes #my writing #my wips #every wip is going so slowly lately lol #idk i just spent the last 4 days in bed and i still feel so exhausted and drained wtf i just wanna sleep all the time #but anyway - not sure if i prefer buckley-diaz or just diaz so that's not decided but also eddie's gonna call him diaz here anyway lol #also i really hope this smut will be shorter than the previous ones lmao

[xskyll]

Page 15, for the second time! Apologies to those that saw the version I posted last night with the typo. My days lately have been busy, so sometimes I feel a bit brain foggy. A couple of people left comments on either here or Twitter and it killed me to delete everything. ;_;

Prev / Next

First

#skylldraws #i’m still counting this as part of my holiday streak #i posted on Mother’s Day and the day before Memorial Day #then I posted this originally on father’s day only to take it down and post on Juneteenth #The holidays might be part of why I’m feeling so exhausted lately #i end up having to visit family which is draining because i have to be on guard the whole time #but!! #next week i have some days off #hubby and i are going away and I’m hoping I’ll be able to rejuvenate #cause right now my motivation is low #some nights i get to the point where i can finally sit down and relax and all i have the energy to do is stare at the wall lolol #or watch tv #i recently started watching Nana for the first time #anyway I’ve babbled enough #we bought a new mattress and it’s tall so i need to go set up a ramp so my tiny dog can get into bed on his own #happy pride everyone #I watched To Wong Foo for the first time the other week and adored it #also went to a drag show Saturday and it was great #okay I’ll shut up now #here are the obligatory tags #tododeku #tddk #tdiz #todoizu #bnha #bnha comic #tddk comic #tddk fanart #todoroki x midoriya #todoroki x deku

[kyuhu]

sometimes you got to take what you can get and play pretend.

Just FraPol on one of their cliché romance novel like dates trying to trick everyone and especially themselfes into thinking they have a sweet and romantic relationship like everybody around them.

#hws poland #hws france #frapol #aph poland #aph france #my idea of nowadays frapol is that they could have good moments #if both of them wouldn't feel guilty about using the other one as a substitude for somebody else all the time #I have another drawing for later but I'm not gonna post it now because if I do this one will go down the drain I think haha

[lunarharp]

the flash and the flood

#witch hat tag #orufrey #god this is so scrappy..ugh.. -_-'''' uagh.. ability to draw drains away when im tired..UGH..i prefer drawing soon upon waking. #i wanted the last 'page' to be them looking back at each other but im too tired..i dont think qifrey can look at anyone rn anyway. #maybe this is the first time oru seriously burnt himself. maybe this is the first time qifrey truly cried. #i think of him in this era as non-responsive and unable to process emotion correctly after all. #so qifrey taught him what fire feels like - oru taught him what it feels like to create water #i like you because you feel safe - i'm scared because the depth of this feeling is unpredictable and can hurt me. can hurt you

[rutadales]

people who participate in hate-fandoms need to get an actual hobby I'm so serious 😭 not to be a hater but for the love of God log off. genuinely humiliating to be spending that much time caring about something that makes you so miserable that is ultimately so meaningless

#root talks #just saw an entire blog dedicated to ''''critique'''' of hazbin hotel and honest to God. from the bottom of my heart. #that is so embarrassing #like why. why why why dedicate that much of your time to something you hate #like this can't be FUN for you. #why spend literal years of your life complaining about something I genuinely can't understand that #why stalk and obsess over news and updates of a show you admit you hate. that only came out a couple weeks ago. #I'm sorry it's just like the dream shit 😭 #WHY CARE!! that much about something or someone you hate! #that shit can not be healthy I just don't understand 🙄 #like what do you do when you realize you have spent entire years of your life #logging on and obsessing over something that only makes you feel. Bad. #I just don't understand hatedom at all like being a hater is fun briefly but it gets draining #there's a lot of media I dislike #like sander sides I can't stand it anymore used to be a huge fan #haven't thought of it besides in passing in years #because WHYYY would I think about something that makes me miserable when I could think about something I like instead #people need to learn to let go man 😭

[flowerflowerflo]

ex-best friend ditched me for girls with the worst influence on her in the world. i genuinely don't care anymore, im sick of being pushed around, get lost and stay lost when you come back after they stab you in the back 🩷

#i seriously needed to rant about this #ive been friends with her for 7 years and i just. i genuinely do not care anymore #im sick of her #im sick of it #im sick of this #im done being judged im done being ridiculed im done being made to feel inferior and insecure all the time #and i give up #trying to change myself for her all the time #because its DRAINING #and im tired #im so so tired #so im done #putting up with her shit #anyway id usually be kinder but i needed to get this off my chest #girlblogging #girlhood #this is what makes us girls #ranting #feminine rage #female rage #thoughts ୨♡୧ #friends ୨𖹭୧

[monstersandmaw]

Good news: the desire To Write is back *yaaaay, cheering*

Bad news: actually doing The Writing is still completely overwhelming *ugly sobbing*

#one step forward two steps back almost #feeling so drained and stuck #i know all the published authors just say 'JUST WRITE' but it's Too Much(tm) and i'm tired #i'm so fucking tired #mentally and physically #and i know i should just 'take my time' but i don't want to #i want to write #and it's crushing that i can't #personal post #non monster post #ghosti rambles

[snzluv3r]

welp. i had to stop the antibiotic for my sinus infection because i Am indeed allergic to it and it keeps giving me anaphylaxis so yeah executive decision was made that i shouldn’t risk it :( i’m so frustrated and i’m really starting to feel sick to a point that i could collapse at any moment

#literally had a guy from work i see everyday stop in his tracks and ask me if i’m okay #and i purposefully put on mascara today to mask how horrible i feel #sometimes my sinus pain/pressure and migraines get so severe that i think i would rather just. keep taking the antibiotic #because even though that horrible indescribable dread during anaphylaxis #it’s such a scary horrible sickening feeling like it’s so distinct idk but idk…it eventually goes away #the pain doesn’t unless i finish the whole course of antibiotics #this is so fucking frustrating and i’m so tired i don’t have time #i’m scared i’m going to get pneumonia again #i won’t even be able to go to #the appointment they’re scheduling for me tomorrow until at least tomorrow night and that’s if they even have that #otherwise i’ll have to wait til saturday #god by then i’ll be miserable #i’m so drained and it felt like friday all day for some reason but it’s not ugh #random probably delete later just so annoyed

[silenthillbunni]

🐇💭

#i've decided that after i've recovered from surgery i want a glow up!!! #i want to make an effort to try to feel better nd not be so miserable all the time. it's so draining nd soul sucking :< #nd some things i wanna do is start better habits such as journaling nd reading a chapter every morning #meditate/do mindfulness every evening. do a full body stretch routine once a day. go to the gym 3-5 times a week. #ofc daily walks in nature (i've missed that sm). spending time w my cat nd dog. getting better at studying a little bit every day #i might even bleach my hair nd dye it... i just wanna dye it one last time then im done T-T #smth im unsure of is my diet. i have no idea what i can eat nd atm im so hungry but im scared of eating. so i'll have to figure that out #nd then try to meet up w my old high school friend every now nd again #try to keep asking for help from the personality disorder psychiatric clinic... or try to get online therapy maybe??? #i just wanna feel better nd *do* smth so these r some of the thinngs i wanna try to do to feel better :3 #hopefully i'll feel better soon nd recover as swiftly as possible so i can start wanting to do these things #oh and also!! wanna try to revive my interests. such as writing more nd taking photos nd such

[goldkirk]

I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!

#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING #IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN #HA #MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF #and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders #that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self #ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief #a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?' #tone “No!” of disbelief #and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it. #that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me #and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.” #was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf #anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally #now i see what the past several months but especially especially #the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January #were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong #...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not #a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side #and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like #i rationally say I trust them to have and do. #and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha #they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y #anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet #trauma evolution #shh katie #personal #my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic. #add to journal #abuse