#them being mentally unwell together is when they’re at their best

[danyllura]

I love that Finnick and Katniss’ relationship goes from mutual skepticism and minor dislike of one another to being each other’s emotional support emotionally-unstable besties where when one freaks out and has to be sedated so does the other

#them being mentally unwell together is when they’re at their best #knotting some friendship bracelets in the psych ward #Katniss Everdeen #finnick odair #the hunger games

[scarlet--wiccan]

I’m still meh about marvel. I believe that teddy and billy are still underdeveloped characters that are being used as a golden ticket for Disney. I feel like they’ve both ‘lost’ traits about their personalities and are very attached to each other, this is being used in a devious way imo… also they’re comics biggest lgbtq+ couple yet it doesn’t seem like it, more tokenised. Forever stuck together in infinity comics. I wish the best for them, I do for the whole maguns family but I can’t help but be sick of the way marvel treats them. Like also tommy, I think luna has more appearances than him lol. There’s so many cool things they could do but don’t, explore dynamics, re write retcons exc.

I mean you’d think billy would be really mentally unwell fighting these wars in space. Plus the identity issues both the twins would have. Marvel could do so much yet decide not too. I just feel melancholy when it comes to billy and teddy these days. I feel like it’s gonna get worse, especially since the mcu is trying to adapt ‘billy’ but in the most horrific way. I’d love to hear allan heinbergs thoughts on that lol. But yeah I don’t mean to be sappy, I just feel meh when I think of the missed opportunities and the way disney/marvel is treating them. bland in its nature.

While Billy and Teddy have never reached A-list status, I wouldn't say they've been underutilized. They are the only characters, along with Kate and America, to succeed as breakouts from Young Avengers, and they were consistently employed by Al Ewing for, like, six years, with an actual continuous storyline that spanned multiple titles and a major event. That doesn't happen for many characters, and I'm sorry, but that's not tokenizing to me. They had a really strong arc and were written by multiple authentic voices. They have been more out of the spotlight lately, but they're also coming back soon in Guardians. I'm not saying you shouldn't be critical, but I'm honestly grateful that the 2010s worked out as well as they did, and I try to remember that until very recently, championing LGBT characters was an uphill battle at Marvel. In many cases, it still is.

Of course I want to see more of them, and of course I want there to be more follow-through on the implications of the Kree-Skrull Alliance. I loved Empyre and there's really not much I would change about that story, but it created a lot of loose ends and open questions that haven't been resolved yet, and that is frustrating. That's kind of the theme of the last couple years, though-- my main frustrations with Krakoa are very similar.

Regarding Billy's mental health, I'd rather see him demonstrate growth and healing than continue being defined by his depression, and to their credit, Ewing and Oliveira illustrated that pretty clearly on multiple occasions. We know that Billy still experiences these challenges, but we also know that he's better equipped to work through those challenges than he was in CC or YA-- and that resilience translates literally into more powerful magic.

I feel similarly about Wanda, and in both cases, it's a fine line to tread. You want to show hopeful futures, but you don't want to diminish the reality of the situation-- and in Wanda's case, the desire to repair her character from ableist, sexist writing can make it difficult to linger on her mental health. Ideally, there would be more time and space to show these characters going to therapy or putting in the daily effort of recovery, but unfortunately, that's not the sort of thing that gets prioritized in limited pages.

#billy kaplan #teddy altman

[101flavoursofweird]

How about 14 or 15 from the little moments prompt list for Laydore?

((Thank you for the prompt! I went with…

14. Person A just holding onto Person B while Person B is having a bad mental health day.

I did enjoy writing this but had to get Hershel and Henry to a point where the ‘holding on’ felt in character for me while they’re still teens and not on the closest of terms yet. I wanted to write this set before the Stansbury Gang flashbacks because my last fic about them had them as adults. Hope this is ok!))

Title: Sanding down your silence

Spoilers: Very slight spoilers for Miracle Mask

Set: Before the Stansbury flashbacks. Hershel and the gang are 16.

Warnings: Reference to minor character death… and Henry being treated like a second class servant to the Ascot family.

It was six AM on Sunday when something flew into Hershel’s window, startling him awake.

Hershel stumbled out of bed, shoved his desk chair aside, and squinted out of his window. He groaned.

Two figures were standing outside his house, on a Sunday morning, at six AM.

Angela gave him a nervous wave. Randall made a beckoning motion.

Grumbling about his block-headed ‘best friend’, Hershel threw on a coat and snuck downstairs— even though he felt like stomping.

Hershel stepped out of the house, quietly shut the front door behind him, and went to meet Randall and Angela, who were waiting beyond the fence.

“Randall!” Hershel hissed. “Do you want to give my Ma a heart attack…?” 

He trailed off when he caught sight of their fancy outfits, like the pair of them were ready to start waltzing right in front of him. 

“…Why are you dressed like that?”

Randall fiddled with the collar of his white shirt. “My father’s dragging me to a family get-together—“

“In my front garden?”

“No— in London!” Randall retorted.

Both Hershel and Angela shushed him.

“Sorry, Hershel…” Angela smoothed out the ends of her yellow dress. “I told him this wasn’t a good idea, but he insisted—“

“Can I ask you a huge favour?” Randall pleaded. He didn’t wait for Hershel’d reply. “I have to leave soon, and Angela is my date, but Henry can’t come with us— he’s not feeling well enough—“

“Forgive me, but I am not going in Henry’s place as your… assistant,” Hershel said dryly. (He had never completely understood how the Ascots were able to hire Henry as a ‘servant’ like the rest of their household staff, despite Henry only being sixteen.)

“As if,” Randall said, in a tone that suggested Hershel would make a terrible assistant. “All I’m asking is for you to check on Henry while we’re gone. I absolutely forbade him from doing any chores today, but knowing him, he’ll still try to help!”

Hershel didn’t really know Henry, outside of him being Randall’s childhood friend… What right did Hershel have to tell Henry what he could and couldn’t do?

Whenever Hershel felt rough, he usually preferred to be left alone with a book and a cup of tea. He could imagine Henry would respond similarly, as he was a solitary person too.

“I’m… not sure…”

“Please, Hershel?” Angela clasped her hands in front of her, bracelets clinking around her wrists. “Please… It wouldn’t have to be for long, but if you could just pop over to see if Henry’s resting, you would save us so much worry…”

(Were those real tears in her eyes?)

Hershel sighed. “Oh, alright!”

-

Surely Henry would not appreciate being disturbed at the crack of dawn, especially if he was unwell… 

So, Hershel waited until nine AM to leave the house, after assuring his mother than no one had tried to break in earlier that morning.

(“Hershel, did you hear a banging noise at around about six o’clock?”

“Nothing to worry about, Ma. That was just Randall trying to get my attention.”

“Oh— that’s alright then! Did you invite him inside?”

“No, Ma…”)

The trek to Ascot Manor felt different at this time of day; the sky was a pale blue, barely anyone Hershel’s age was out and about, and the birds seemed to be more active.

Hershel was so used to climbing through Randall’s bedroom window at night, that he’d almost forgotten the Ascots had a front door, concealed by a large stone porch.

His nervous knocks were met by Margot, the family’s maid. Glaring down at Hershel from behind her huge glasses, she informed him, rather dismissively, that Randall had gone away with his parents and they wouldn’t return until tomorrow. Hershel explained (where, evidently, Randall had not) that he had come to visit Henry.

Hearing this, Margot looked very surprised, but she let Hershel in and led him to the staircase.

“If Henry has recovered, please tell him there is still work to be done in the kitchen,” Margot said sternly. “You are welcome to help too, if you’re not busy…”

“R-right!” Hershel stammered, before he shot upstairs.

He went straight to Randall’s room, where he saw a hastily-written ‘Do Not Disturb!’ sign had been taped to the door.

Hershel cleared his throat. He tapped on the door and tentatively called, “Hello… Henry?”

Silence. (Hershel should have expected this…)

Still, Hershel persisted, “It’s Hershel… Randall sent me to—“

Slowly, with great effort, the door opened. Henry peered out at Hershel. His eyes were red, his jaw was tense and his nose was streaming

“P-please excuse me…” Henry sniffed. He turned away to wipe his face with his arm. “I’m… I’m not…”

“Not well?”

Looking back at Hershel, Henry nodded.

“Can I, er, get you anything?” Hershel offered. “A tissue…?”

Another nod.

“And a… cold drink, maybe?”

“Thank you,” Henry mumbled, before he closed the door once more.

“Okay…” Hershel sighed and dashed down to the kitchen.

The Ascots’ chef, Abilio, was far more accommodating than Margot. They gave Hershel a tray, some soft tissues, a jug of orange juice, two glasses, and some red velvet cupcakes.

Hoping he wouldn’t run in to Margot, Hershel carried the full tray back up to Randall’s room.

This time, Henry let him in immediately, and tried to take the tray from Hershel.

“It’s fine,” Hershel said, setting the tray on one of the wooden steps leading up to Randall’s loft. (Or whatever he called that chaotic excuse for a shelf above his bookshelf!)

“Thank you,” Henry sighed as he shut the door. He faced Hershel, fidgeting with his hands. “I’m sorry to… burden you with all this. I’m sure you have much better things you could be doing with your weekend…”

“Not really,” Hershel said nonchalantly.

As much as he’d complained to Randall, he really didn’t have much planned for today, aside from studying and reading. “Any adventures I might have had were cancelled…”

“…In Master’s Randall’s absence, yes,” Henry said, smiling slightly. He came to pour them each a glass of orange juice.

“My favourite!” Hershel remarked, in a pitiful attempt at small talk.

He was relieved when Henry replied, “Mine, too.”

Yet again, the silence reared its head between them.

Hershel sipped his glass of orange juice, straining to think of a discussion topic… 

Randall (chatterbox that he was) never had this problem…

Of course— Randall!

“Why were Randall and his family called to London so suddenly?” Hershel exclaimed.

Henry’s eyes lit up; he was more than happy to discuss Randall.

“Master Randall’s cousin— Lady Ascot’s nephew— has secured a place at Gressenheller University, after…” Henry hesitated, as if he was about to reveal a dark family secret. “…After being overlookedpreviously… Lady Ascot’s sister arranged a party at their estate to celebrate his achievement.”

Hershel hummed. (It certainly paid to be rich!) “I’m sure Randall— and Angela— would have preferred to stay here, with you.”

Henry shrugged. “Perhaps… but Master Ascot insisted they should all go. There is nothing more important to him than family…” Henry paused.

Hershel placed his empty glass on the step. The conversation seemed to have dried up there, but he could sense something was wrong with Henry.

It didn’t appear to be an illness, like a cold (as far as Hershel could see), but whatever it was still had a physical effect on Henry; furrowed brows, slumped shoulders and lacking his usual energy… 

When Henry had answered the door to Hershel, Hershel could have sworn he’d been crying.

“Erm, these are for you—“ Hershel pointed to the cupcakes. “—from the chef!”

“That’s very kind of Abilio,” Henry murmured. “I’ll make sure to thank them later.” He gestured for Hershel to take a cupcake.

Hershel removed the cake’s wrapper, making sure he didn’t drop any crumbs. “You won’t have to… to do any chores later, will you?“

“Master Randall made me promise not to,” Henry huffed, shaking his head. “And he sent you to keep an eye on me, no doubt…”

To save himself for answering, Hershel stuffed the whole cake inside his mouth. 

“But you can’t possibly stay here all day,” Henry said.

The silence returned with a vengeance. 

Hershel slowly ate the cake. (Not only was it delicious but he gave him more time to devise a response!)

When he had finished, Hershel ventured, “I could stay, if you nee— if you want company.”

“I don’t.”

Hershel tried not to take that personally. His parents had told him about a time when he was a young child— when he wouldn’t talk to anyone. It was only through patience, perseverance and care that they had gotten little Hershel to open up.

“Well…” Hershel waved his hands around the room. “Is there anything Randall needs help with?”

Henry started, “Nothing that I can’t—“

“What about up there?” Hershel pointed up to Randall’s loft, stacked with grubby overflowing boxes. “When was the last time Randall had a clear out?”

“Tha—that’s where Master Randall keeps his tools—“ Henry barred the way up the steps with his long arms. “—and some treasures. He wouldn’t want us to—“

“I want to make sure he’s organised, for the next time he drags me out on an adventure.” Hershel ducked under Henry’s arms and marched up the steps. “You can help me, if you choose to.”

Hershel had said that very deliberately; he wasn’t giving Henry an order, and Henry was under no obligation to obey. 

To his surprise, Henry sighed with defeat… and maybe some relief. “Alright, then… If you could bring down those boxes— carefully— I’ll have a look through them…”

-

Several hours had passed by the time they finished cleaning out Randall’s loft, organised everything worth keeping, and chucked out anything Henry deemed ‘for the bin’.

Hershel hoped Randall wouldn’t mind; not that they had moved all of his belongings (Randall was constantly hiding puzzles in Hershel’s room), but the fact that Hershel had gotten Henry to assist him.

Yes, it had been a hard job, but it wasn’t technically one of Henry’s chores…

Besides, Henry had chosen to help, and he seemed… not happier, but more content when he was kept busy.

That was, until Hershel found a small red brooch at the back of the loft. It was shaped like a ladybug, studded with rubies and no bigger than a walnut.

Assuming it was another one of Randall’s treasures, Hershel brought it down to show Henry. 

When he caught sight of the brooch, however, Henry blanched. 

“What is it?” Hershel asked worriedly, holding the brooch out to him.

Henry swallowed. He accepted the brooch and cradled it in his hands as if it were a real ladybug. “This is… This was given to me… as a gift. I thought I’d lost it…”

“Maybe Randall found it?”

“No,” Henry said firmly. “Master Randall knows what this— this means to me.” He frowned up at the loft. “One of the staff might have picked it up, assumed it belonged to Randall, and put it amongst his things… but I swear, this is mine.” 

“I believe you,” Hershel murmured. He could never imagine Henry stealing from the Ascot family, especially not from Randall.

Henry slipped the brooch into his pocket, but immediately removed it again. 

“I need to put this somewhere safe,” he muttered, “without anyone seeing…” Warily, Henry glanced from the bedroom door to Hershel. “Hershel— please can you accompany me for just a few moments?” 

“Of course.”

Following Henry out of the room and down the hall, Hershel kept an eye out for Margot or any other servants who might question them.

On the other side of the house, they reached a narrow stairwell. 

“Does this lead to the tower with the turret?” Hershel whispered as they made their way up the spiralling steps. It was dizzying— and rather dark. 

He almost bumped into Henry, who had stopped at the top of the stairs.

“Yes,” Henry said, pushing open a door, “and my room.”

“Oh…!” Hershel exclaimed as they entered the small circular space.

Hershel had, ignorantly, imagined Henry slept in a room with the other servants, but Henry had his own bed— slender though it was.

Squashed in beside the bed was a plain set of drawers, with a stack of books on top. 

There was a window, slimmer than those in Randall’s room…. Honestly, it reminded Hershel of a prison. 

How many hours had Henry spent in here, feeling like he was trapped in a tower? No wonder he always pottering around the rest of the house… 

“It’s… cosy,” Hershel supplied.

Humming, Henry went to place the ladybug brooch under his pillow. As he moved the pillow, a piece of card— a photograph— fluttered  to the floor. 

Hershel blinked at the figure in the grainy picture—

Henry snatched the photo back up and returned it to its hiding place. He glared at Hershel.

Hershel lifted his hands. “I didn’t see…”

His glare softening, Henry sighed. “My mother, Alice… She gave me this brooch before she… passed on. Ten years ago today.”

“I’m sorry,” Hershel intoned— because what else could he say? 

Hershel was fortunate enough to have two loving, wonderful parents in his life. Yes, his Ma could be a worrywart, and his Pa was prone to wandering off, but that was the worst of it.

At least Hershel’s parents weren’t as strict as Mr. Ascot. Ma might fret occasionally, but not like Angela’s parents…

Even then, none of them had lost a parent, like Henry. 

“It was a long time ago,” Henry dismissed.

They left the room and descended the stairwell in silence… until Henry let out a gasp. Hershel turned. Henry crashed into him headfirst.

Luckily, they were near the bottom of the stairwell. Hershel caught Henry by the shoulders as they stumbled down the last few steps.

“Are you— alright?”

“Yes, I—“ Henry grunted with pain and embarrassment. “—Just missed a step back there… Sorry.”

They emerged into the hallway. Henry straightened up. Reluctantly, Hershel removed his hands from Henry’s shoulders.

“Can you walk?” Hershel breathed.

“O-of course…” Henry strode down the hallway, though Hershel noticed a slight limp in his step.

When they were back in Randall’s room, away from prying ears, Hershel checked, “Are you sure you’re alright?”

Henry lowered himself onto Randall’s red couch. “Believe it or not, I’m actually feeling better than… than I was earlier.” He titled his head back and closed his eyes. 

“That’s— good,” Hershel said, hovering by the door. “I’m glad to hear it.” 

Silence.

“Guess I’ll be off then…?” Hershel reached for the door handle, but he held on a moment longer. He gazed at Henry. “Henry, you know if you ever… want to get out, you’re welcome to visit my house— with or without Randall.”

Hershel didn’t think he would receive a response, until Henry murmured, “Thank you, Hershel. I’ll bear that in mind.”

Hershel smiled. When the silence resumed,  he felt it was a companionable kind of silence. 

He hoped Henry felt the same way.

#henry ledore #Hershel Layton #Laydore #Hershel/Henry #My fics #my writing #stansbury gang #Randall ascot #angela Ledore #Sorry this has another dead mother— as if the PL universe needed any more of those #Professor Layton #Guess who Randall’s cousin is

[infinitelyelvish]

I found a Notes file from my descent into emotional turmoil as I watched the last four episodes of The Clone Wars. Enjoy

But why is the logo red. It's supposed to be yellow 😰

Ashoka's talking to Anakin for the first time since walking away 😭

Anakin's having a whole mental break down over seeing her again.

The graphics this season and episode are amazing. The best visuals for the worst to come.

They're all back together 😭😭

R2 is so excited to see her, poor little guy.

Not Bo Katan pulling the Satine card on Obi-Wan.

The whole 501st standing to attention for Ashoka with her colors and markings on their helmets. Is this the last time they're all not affected by the chips?!

HER LIGHTSABERS?! Is Anakin about to give her her lightsabers?!?!

Commander Rex. He deserved that being more than an on the flu decision.

He did give her her lightsabers back 😭

"I took care of them, they're good as new. Maybe a little better" 😭

"Anakin. Good luck." Is that the last time? I'm so nauseous with the impending last time he'll be Anakin and his first time he'll become Vader to her.

I cannot get over how good the animation is. This is so unfair. They need to go back and redo the entire series.

Rex and Ashoka having moments before battle together. I'm unwell. 

Badass landing!!! Let's go!

"Beat you." I swear if Rex dies or becomes a soulless drone😭

the lack of music during the opening sequence and credits is foreboding.

I wonder if the moment may be upon us.

I’m going to be sick

Dooku is dead. It’s coming.

Tell Anakin. Did he? Did he??? 

I keep having tears well up. I’m unprepared. 18 years and I’m unprepared.

They have Jesse. 

At this point is it a mercy of the clone dies before order 66? That way they still have their own faculties?

If anyone had asked me during season one if I thought I’d become attached to the clones the answer was a resounding no. But now I just want to gather them all to me and hide them like they’re all little ducklings who need protecting. 

Why did Maul want Obi-Wan /and/ Anakin?

What was the dream?!

Maul trying to team up with Ahsoka was extremely unexpected!

She’s going to help him?!

He is the key to everything. To destroy.

She knows. She knows. She knows.

I know Anakin. 😭

It’s looks so real it’s feels like live action

She’s become so strong.

We’re all going to die. You don’t know what they’re doing.

Why is it that the site are telling the truth and no one was ever listening to hear it?

2nd to last episode. This is it. I’m already crying.

I wish I was good at something other than war.

Mace Windu over here pissing me off. Ahsoka knows more!!! Get off your high horse and listen to her!!! 

I’ll tell him myself when I see him. 

Rex is a real one  for not sharing what Ahsoka didn’t with the council.

Saying deserved to see her planet be free.

What ever happened to Korkie??? Did he die and I don’t remember it happening?

Is this box actually force user proof?

Rex and Ahsoka traveling through space, one last time.

She’s saluting him.

Is that the last time? Did I just lose Rex as I’ve known him?

It’s happening. 

He’s trying to fight it

He’s gone. He’s sending them to find her.

The droids are so upset, their people aren’t acting right.

Fives!!! She’s looking up what Fives found, FINALLY!!! 

Stupid Kaminoans. Rex told Padme 🥲

Is it now that the troopers have lost their ability to aim?

Tazing Rex, gotta love droids.

Is she going to be able to save him? Can she save him after the order has been given?

It’s not there 😭

“I am one with the force and the force is with me.”

They found jt!!!

He’s back!

Oh my god he’s back.

He’s the only one. How many can she save? Can she save more?

Last episode.

Not the monk singing 

Victory and death.

What victory 😭

They’re only stunning. I love my 501st commanders.

The clones are starting to appear in their white uniforms.

Why is Maul destroying the hyper drive? Now they’re just sitting ducks.

If they weren’t trying to kill us I’d be proud. 

What moon are they by? 

There’s no way. There’s no way they’re getting to a shuttle.

There are too many. Besides I don’t want to hurt them.

Loyal Ahsoka.

Rex is crying!!! I can’t. Please. I can’t. 

I love her so much.

They may be willing to die,  but I’m not willing to kill them.

I love these droids so much.

Mail was an interesting villain but if he’s going to steal this shuttle without Ahsoka and Rex on it then I hope he gets forced choked out.

That was a cool move with the force and double lightsabers.

Not the droids popcorning the clones.the droids!!!!

They’re all gone. The entire 501st. 

It’s just Rex now.

They buried them all of them. Their helmets 😭😭😭

She left her lightsaber. I guess they’re not the same since Anakin was the one to return them.

Who are these droids? Why are they in their Hoth gear? 

Vader.

He found the wreck.

When is this?

He found her lightsaber. Oh my god he knows she’s alive.

Does she know Obi-wan and yoga are still alive??? Does she know that Padme died? Does she know about the twins? I have questions!

#the clone wars

[tiptapricot]

you've probs answered this before but what's your favourite mk comic run?

Idk if I’ve mentioned it before bc I just sort of yell about it in tags but also bc idk if I have one HSHDHD I haven’t honestly read too much MK to say for sure what the best are so def do nOt come to me for suggestions, but I can talk endlessly about the three I have read which are Ellis, Lemire, and Mackay, so here’s what I love ab each.

The Ellis run I love because I’m obsessed with that version of Mr. Knight, as well as the one shot focus each issue has on different strange and supernatural cases. Shalvey’s art is also fucking fantastic and it has some of the best panel n page layouts I’ve seen to date, as well as utilizing the color white and negative space to blend MK w the surrounding gutters. I read a bit past the issues the original creative team worked on because my dad had a chunk of issues physically that went past that point, and those are good too! But I’m not exactly driven to continue at the moment, though it’s always a treat to see Smallwood MK stuff. My favorite stories were Sniper and the mushroom dreams one I’m forgetting the name of rn, as well as the ghost punks n… actually I have to stop they’re all really good they’re all so fun.

Lemire has already been praised to high heaven because it truly n honestly deserves it. This was the first MK thing I read and while def not the best place to jump in blind if you have like zero background, you still get such a good sense of the world and characters. Again, I’m in love with the art and the creative use of the genre, the way they made the need for different artists work well with and actually enhance the reading experience as tone shifts between each universe each alter is stuck in. Also again… Smallwood’s stuff alone makes my brain yell and scream and bite wood. Also ofc has my buddy my bestie Commander!! I’m still so so upset Marvel hasn’t brought him back bc I think he presents a super interesting added dynamic as well as opening things up for exploration of more distant or disconnected alters, as well as the impacts of isolated inner world lives. Lemire also handles talk of mental health n DID pretty dang well. Not perfectly, but as people have talked about before the ending of accepting where the system stands and that they need each other and that they will be alright working together is just… it’s so good. I love it so much.

And MACKAY god ok… I’ve yelled ab this, I’ve yelled ab this plenty, but this run is so fucking good and I can’t believe we get even more like we get MORE and it’s already so GOOD. It delves into Marc’s self loathing and self destructive tendencies amazingly, as well as focusing back on the strange and supernatural things that make me love comics MK so fucking much. It has some similar vibes here and there to Ellis w the occasional self-contained plots, even if many of them end up tying into the overall story, like the janitor plot, the stained glass scarlet baby god (I never see ppl talking ab this but that issue makes me UNWELL ITS SO GORGEOUS AND COOL), and the house of shadows. It also introduces some super fun new characters and dynamics and once again touches on mental health n DID in a fucking fantastic way that in a metatextual context helps to explore and undo a lot of the ableism and bad writing that’s permeated MK’s run under different writers for so long. I’ll have more to say about this one as it progresses but just… yeah. YEAH.

So… those are my favorites because those are the ones I’ve read. I’ve been keeping up with Black White and Blood as well but those end up being very hit or miss usually, often having one story I love, one that’s meh, n one I straight up hate. I want to read more MK in the future so this list may shift, but I haven’t had the brain to pick up anything solid and new and struggle my way through continuity quite yet. But… yeah… some thoughts :-) I love when comics comic hard.

#this ended up way longer than I expected lol I’m so sorry HDHBDNF #the fruit is talking again #the fruit is answering again #moon knight

[thecryptidenthusiast]

💐 for ace, 🍄 for erin + 🌲 for abby?

💐 How does your OC handle being unwell or forced to rest in bed? Who cares for them and in what ways? Does your OC enjoy being doted on or are they a terrible patient? Reversed: is your OC good at taking care of others who are ill or in need?

Oh Ace is probably the worst when it comes to being forced to rest lmao. He’s got one mode and it’s ‘go until you collapse’, and if he’s not well, he just ignores it. Also hates being told what to do, so that makes dealing with him an absolute pain. Ric tried (and still tries) to take care of him, especially because he knows that he won’t take care of himself, but Ace got really good at starting arguments over nothing so Ric would forget what he was initially trying to do. Nowadays, it’s usually Chen that can get Ace to settle a little and rest! He doesn’t fall for the argument baits like Ric does, and he figured out pretty quickly that Ace just isn’t used to feeling like he can let himself be taken care of, and can work around that most of the time. Overall, a nuisance of a patient who is lucky Chen and Ric like him as much as they do.

As for caring for others…he’s not the BEST, but he gets an A for effort. All of them have bad days, mentally and physically, so Ace does what he can to help out and make things easier. Taking Spoon on walks for Chen on really rough days, hanging out and watching movies with Ric to force him to quit pushing himself for a little bit. It doesn’t feel like he’s doing much most of the time, but he tries.

🍄 What are your OCs favourite snacks? Their favourite comfort food which always cheers them up when they’re down? Favourite meal to make? Do they enjoy baking and cooking and are they any good in the kitchen?

Erin has a really messy relationship with food, honestly aslkjdasl. At least now she does, it wasn’t so bad before Heartbreak. Favorite snacks pre-Heartbreak were sour candies and anything spicy (really had a thing for hot chips). Now, it’s whatever snack she can stuff in the pockets of her stupid cargo pants.

Favorite comfort food is anything breakfast related! Back when they still barely knew each other, Ortega liked to use food as a way to get her to stick around so he could get to know her (kind of like luring a feral cat akldasl). And the first thing she remembers him buying her was a breakfast burrito, so she’s got a soft spot for those, not that she’d ever admit to that.

She can’t cook to save her life and she doesn’t have the patience to try baking, but she’s not bad at being a co-chef, so she likes helping Ortega out in the kitchen for their not-date dinners.

🌲 How deeply does your OC feel? Are they typically empathetic or do they have a hard time connecting with others in this way? What are they like when offering support and comfort to someone they care for?

Abby’s somebody that feels a lot, all the time, but is REALLY good at burying things. Having a lonely upbringing and an absentee mother kind of trained her to put her own emotions behind others, so on the outside she seems pretty put together besides her anxiety issues! But internally it’s…all a mess lasjdad. Years of repression actually make things worse in the long run, she’s finding out! So it’s actually easier for her to be empathetic and provide support to others, latching onto how they’re feeling than to try and accept/acknowledge her own feelings.

She’s not big on physical comfort in most cases, but she’s great at being a shoulder to lean on. Very good at letting somebody vent and will do what she can to help/give advice, but feels like she’s better at just being a sounding board.

#thank you!! #oc: ace mitchell #oc: erin becker #oc: abby brùn

[codenamesazanka]

‘a good person, desperate to be a helpful guy’

Hawks: has super good reasons to disdain his parents, one a criminal thug that abused him, the other who at best wasn’t fit to provide him the most basics of support and love, at worst neglectful and saw him as a means to an end.

Looking more closely at his mom, Tomie was clearly mentally unwell, and could probably be called disabled in that she is unable to function by herself in the world. Hawks says so himself:

The squalid state the Takami family was living in before the father’s arrest was already pretty bad, but after Hawks’ father was gone, Tomie and Hawks became homeless on the run from authorities, and for whatever reason, Tomie was also unable to find employment for the barest amount of money, even depending on her son to steal some.

We’re not explicitly given the exact feelings Hawks has towards his mom, but he does call his parents “broken inside,” and had “hoped to avoid their fate.” To whatever degree he had a choice in severing ties with his mom after joining the special Hero Commission program as a child, Hawks does say that he was okay with that, fine with erasing his name that legally connected him to her. Most of all, he states simply and bluntly that he didn’t/hadn’t bother to save Tomie; he had turned his back on her, despite being a guy who “wants to help people.”

That’s all enough to probably conclude that Hawks: found his mom pitiful; likely resented her in some way; disapproves her choices, disapproves of the type of person she is - someone who associates with criminals, someone who wouldn’t do the right thing, someone who didn’t want to/couldn’t fit into normal society; didn’t really see her as someone he wanted to help.

Basically: Hawks pretty much just looks down at his mom, and didn’t think of her as someone he should save.*

Then Hawks meets Twice.

Twice: middle school dropout, not the smartest guy in the room; acknowledges and calls himself ‘crazy’, not very mentally stable. Before he resolved his trauma regarding doubling, he was prone to small fits if he didn’t have a mask on (and before he got a mask, he walked around with a paper bag over his head); afterwards, he’s got better control, but they seem to still occur.

In his character profile, Horikoshi-sensei reveals that Twice “couldn’t maintain an ordinary life” - he was unable to function independently living in a community, thus resigned himself as too crazy for society.

Twice and Tomie are then very similar to each other: they’re both people who associate with Villains and criminals; and they both have some mental disability that prevents them from living ‘normally’. They’re both even alone in the world, no other family other than themselves (and Hawks, in Tomie’s case) - isolated, alienated, simply just not part of society - and seemed to want to stay that way, in Hawks’ eyes.

But unlike Tomie, Hawks comes to like Twice. I think he came to truly enjoy the time they’ve spent together, and as he got to know Twice - not the dangerous Villain with a deadly quirk, but the person, the guy with a giant heart and emotions on his sleeves - Hawks finds Twice to be a good man at his core. Even when Hawks had to betray that friendship to put down Twice, he tried to offer an out - come quietly, turn himself in, and Hawks will help him get a fresh start after prison. Do the ‘right’ thing, and he will graciously forgive - save - Twice.

Twice immediately rejects the offer.

Because Hawks was giving him such a shallow solution, and only to him as an arbitrary exception. Hawks didn’t want to save Twice because Twice was someone in need of healthcare, social welfare, uplifting from poverty - all the things that factored in him becoming a Villain in the first place. No, Hawks wanted to save Twice because he decided he liked the guy who he personally, subjectively thought was a good person.

The untreated mental illness, the lack of disability accommodation, the social indifference to those stuck in poverty - I think Hawks saw them not as failures of the state, but rather as personal, individual flaws. Unlucky things that happened to people who choose it/ deserved it (Tomie) and sometimes to someone who didn’t deserve it (Twice). And I think that’s why, ultimately, Hawks ends up killing Twice, despite his admiration for the man, despite thinking he’s a good person, despite knowing the ‘unlucky life’ that turn him into a Villain.

Hawks looked down at his mother - why wouldn’t he look down on Twice just the same? And just like how Hawks never bothered to save his mom, even though helping people was something he prided himself in, Hawks ends up turning away, cutting the bond of friendship, not bothering to save Twice either.

*

There’s another comparison here.

Besides Twice and Tomie being quite alike, Twice is also similar to Hawks, who recognized this, who saw a bit of himself in Twice.

Hawks differentiated himself from his criminal family - he wasn’t broken inside (yet), he wanted to avoid their fate, he wanted to do the right thing like going to the police. Above all, he wanted to be someone who helps people - and so he did, first as a child who saved people from a car crash, and later as the Number 2 Hero whose mission was to protect the lives of millions. He was desperate to be helpful…

…Much like Twice:

Because of this, again, Hawks came to think of Twice as a “decent” guy. Twice was good-natured, friendly, loyal to his friends and eager to help them. A good person, who didn’t deserve his bad luck, who Hawks hoped would follow his example: surrender to the Heroes, and start over as the decent guy he is. In order to do that, Twice would have to do the same thing Hawks did: sever his ties to his family, and turn his back on them.

Hawks was able to do that with Tomie. Twice wasn’t, not to the League. He just couldn’t, wouldn’t do that to his friends. Never ever.

To Hawks, his own family were broken fugitives from the law, and their fate doomed. That description is also exactly the League: broken inside, dangerous Villains at large, and once the Heroes took action, their fate is sealed and doomed. While Hawks is technically right - about both his family and the League, he also never saw what Twice saw: that the League were the only ones ever to accept Twice as he was; they were a safe harbor, they were people Twice loved fiercely.

Which is why Twice absolutely refused to abandon the League, appalled at the very notion. Hawks was fine with his own estrangement, and might have even believed Twice would be the same, should do the same; Twice would literally rather die. And did.

The first time I read Chapter 299, I was surprised at the audacity Hawks had to talk about Twice, the guy he just killed. How can he find a kindred spirit in Twice, and still literally stab him in the back? He couldn’t really have thought Twice was a decent guy? Cuz that would mean he would still kill “a good person” instead of trying his best to save him?

But Hawks was telling the truth, and these were his honest feelings. He still liked Twice, he still thought the man was a good person, he still saw something of himself in him— Except for one thing that he hadn’t realize until now, standing in his mother’s empty home.

Hawks and Twice: both good guys who wanted to help people. However, Hawk, who made exceptions, who believed there were those that were undeserving of that help, didn’t actually follow through.

Twice did, to the very end.

*

*Again, understandable as a victim of her bad parenting who doesn’t owe her anything, but— not quite as a Hero who wants to do his best saving everyone he can. To what degree the personal and professional should overlap, that’s up for debate with no conclusive answer, I think. But the irony is there.

#Twice #Hawks #Bubaigawara Jin #Takami Keigo #bnha #mha #heroaca #nalslastworkingbraincell #Hawks: people should pull themselves up by their bootstraps. The downtrodden have only themselves to blame #Twice: *is a socialist* #/kidding kidding

[echo-of-sounds]

pregnancy

Small headcanons of how Aizawa, Toshinori, Hizashi, Fatgum, Gang Orca, and Hound Dog would be through your pregnancy.

I don’t write about giving birth (as I’m mildly terrified of doing so) so I didn’t add anything about that. Please don’t ask for me to. And even though I’m not interested in getting pregnant, I think I’d be okay with it if Kugo or Ryo were the father.

EDIT: I love picturing all of these men with little girls. It’s just so cute!

Warnings: uh, pregnancy

Aizawa Shouta

Shouta isn’t one to jump for joy when you tell him. However, you will get to see his handsome smile when he grabs your waist, breathing out a light laugh of happiness as he tightly hugs you. His smile won’t disappear for a while. Every time he glances at you, one simply finds its way onto his face.

It may not be by a whole lot, but his behavior changes. Just a little. When you’re out and about, his hand finds its way to your back or elbow much more often, particularly in a crowd. It’s the paternal instincts kicking in. His favorite cuddling position, laying between your legs with his head on your stomach, becomes harder the farther along you are. He adjusts to laying behind you, keeping a hand on your tummy throughout the entire night.

Shouta hides his worries well. Even the people closest to him have a tough time telling what exactly is going on with him. Sometimes, it’s a good thing. He’s a stable person to lean on. But it’s difficult to deal with when you’re hormonal and emotional. He pushes himself so hard to speak more. There’s no way of him understanding everything you’re going through, but when he opens up, he can tell just how much you appreciate it during the tough times. So he does it near-daily, checking in with each other before bed.

He hates how busy his life is. Well, he’s always kind of hated it. Now it’s worse because his partner’s pregnant, and he’s stuck in a room with screaming children when he should be bringing you to your appointments. Shouta attempts to make up for the absence by heading home every night and helping around the house more. Step in. Explain how you value his help, but also need him to relax. If he gets overworked, that would only stress you more.

Shouta changes his eating habits and fitness routines. He wants you to eat well for yourself and your child. He wants you to keep exercising for yourself and your child. He simply wants your body to be healthy. Don’t grumble because he’ll throw your complaining back in your face when the Lamaze coach explains how important physical health is. But don’t worry, his cute smile makes up for the teasing.

Yagi Toshinori

Toshinori is starstruck. Too many thoughts flood and fight. He loves children and has always wanted a family. Being able to father one with you is indescribable. And he never thought the universe would grant any of that. On the flip side, his fear is also undefinable. People know who he is now; who knows what’s out there, waiting to expose All Might’s weakness. The rapid thoughts may bring a tear or two. Cup his face and kiss them away, reassuring him that everything’s okay.

The fears follow him throughout your pregnancy. Like all things (with you and him), there are good days and bad days. His emotions ramp-up during your emotional and physically unwell days. He tries his best to push them down to focus on you. But they eventually end up spilling over. It’ll be common for both of you to cry at the end of the day, snuggled together, talking about the future, worries, and anticipations.

In general, Toshinori isn’t that protective. He trusts you and your abilities. Just because you’re pregnant, doesn’t mean you’re suddenly disabled. You can still do things. Although, he does become a bit of a helicopter. Whenever you bend over to pick up a bag, he beats you to it. He swoops the laundry basket from your hands, claiming, ‘You shouldn’t be lifting heavy things,’ despite it not even being ten pounds. He’s just very watchful of your movements.

He’s very active in dieting, doctor’s appointments, and planning. He eats well, so it’s easy for him to aid you in that respect. For doctors, he has quite a lot of contacts and knows many doctors from his time in the hospital. He asks around, only accepting the best for you. Planning, shopping, and setting up the nursery are his favorite parts. He loves choosing the sweetest colors, softest blankets, and, of course, all the adorable All Might onesies, toys, and superhero books he can find. The nursery is set up perfectly.

Toshinori doesn’t admit how incredibly your pregnant body enchants him. It isn’t always a horny, sexual need. It’s about admiring your body and what it’s creating. He just wonders at you. All the time. Sometimes the changes may make you feel insecure. He’s always there to listen and assure you how amazing your body is. If you want cuddles and kisses, he’ll give them with a smile. If you want gentle lovemaking, he guides you onto your back and gives you exactly what you want.

Yamada Hizashi

Expect a loud song of love, a bear hug, and jumping for joy when you tell him. Hizashi loves kids. He thinks they’re amazing and say some of the greatest things. And he’s beyond excited to see their quirk. Of course, it doesn’t mean he’ll love them any less if they’re born quirkless. He just loves imagining a little one with a similar quirk running around your place.

He is all about redecorating and planning. The entire apartment is getting babyfied and rearranged. The nursery will be beautifully painted. He regularly comes home with cute outfits and stuffed animals. Partly, it’s because he’s just so excited. The other part is he wants you to relax through the pregnancy. No stress, pressure, and unnecessary burden on your shoulders. He’s there to make sure everything goes as smoothly as possible.

Hizashi doesn’t just spoil your unborn child; he spoils you, buying you those pregnancy pillows, your favorite ice cream, driving you everywhere, etc… He just hates how much time his jobs take. He’d rather spend his time with you. To help, he’ll ask for time off of patrols, choosing to be closer with you, physically, mentally, and emotionally, during your pregnancy.

In the later months, Hizashi is all over you. Seriously, he will not leave you alone. He’s very handsy, kneading and licking your swollen, sore breasts, and stroking your belly. Your body, and everything it’s doing, is utterly gorgeous to him. He’ll suck away, gently nursing on your nipple while dozing off to Tv, occasionally switching to the other so it isn’t left needy.

Toyomitsu Taishiro

When you tell Taishiro, you’ll only be able to get out a few words before you’re lifted off your feet and spun around. He smooches all over your face, laughing and cheering about how amazing and perfect and stunning you are. You’ll have to ask to be put down lest you get sick from all his spinning. But his compliments keep coming. They won’t dwindle for a while. There’s just too much love in his body to keep inside.

Whatever you’re craving, no matter if it’s pineapple dipped in ketchup, he gives without complaint. He may try some of your odd combinations. Who knows? You could be on to something new. At the same time, he also watches out for your health. The cravings suck. He understands that. He truly does. But if you ate something sweet/not as healthy for lunch, then he plans a healthy dinner for you. Your body’s going crazy. It needs its nutrients.

Your worries are always taken seriously. It could be the most absurd thing to be anxious over. Tai always listens. His cute smile and never-ending positivity help a ton. Your body and brain are going through a lot. He’ll do his part to validate all your feelings. He talks down the anxieties as you eat pickles on ice cream, making sure you are and feel heard.

Since he works one job compared to the others, he’s able to be with you much more, notably during the hard-to-handle days and at appointments. And he picks up extra chores so you can rest through aches and pains. Any choices you make regarding your pregnancy and birth, he supports. He may not agree with everything, but he loves you, and it’s your body. He’ll always put your comfort and wishes first.

Tai treasured your tummy before. But now, seeing you growing with his child, he’s absolutely enraptured. He places nightly and morning kisses on your belly. When he wakes you up, his kisses trail down to the bump. Every night, he rubs lotion into your tummy, kissing and cooing to his child. It doesn’t matter if you’re only one week pregnant, and it’s just a clump of cells in there. Tai still sings to them.

Gang Orca

Kugo is in disbelief when you tell him. He freezes, staring, hardly hearing your words. Give him five minutes. He’ll process what you said and snap back to the present. Watch out because you’re going to get lifted high into the air and maybe tossed like a father does a baby. He’s just practicing. It’ll only take one or two days for him to slip into paternal mode. It’s damn near instinct for him.

As per usual, he’s a gentle paragon behind closed doors. Throughout your pregnancy, he melts into a puddle of sweet honey. His overall affection skyrockets. His hands and claws are as tender as possible whenever they touch you, doing whatever you need him to: massaging your back and legs, rubbing lotion all over, or brushing your hair. He reassures you through tears. He prepares healthy meals that satisfy your cravings. And he holds you all night, keeping you safe on his chest and in his arms.

Kugo goes to every single checkup and appointment. It doesn’t matter if it’s just an ordinary visit to your primary care doctor; he calls out of work and goes with you. At any ultrasounds, expect a few tears, especially when you hear the heartbeat for the first time. He holds them in until you’re alone. The second the door closes, his forehead is nudging yours as small, loved-filled tears fall. He never thought he’d get a family. Part of him thought he didn’t deserve a family, but you’ve proven that false repeatedly.

The farther along you are, the more he watches out for you. He checks in every morning to make sure you took your medicine and vitamins. He washes you so you don’t strain yourself. If you’re waddling, he offers his arm for support and helps you stand. If your back hurts, he applies a heating patch to your lower back and puts your shoes on for you. If you need it, he can carry you to the car and into where you’re going.

As does everyone, Kugo has doubts about his quirk and abilities. People have always viewed those with mutations differently. And it can affect their health, leading to numerous doctor visits and tests. He doesn’t want his baby to deal with the staring, whispers, self-doubts, and distress he did. To support him, talk in detail about his fears and help him realize he’s never disappointed you or hurt anyone. Kugo’s exactly how he should be.

Hound Dog

Ryo doesn’t have a tail, but you’ll definitely see a little happy wiggly before he hugs you. The following week, he keeps you close as he acts differently: rubbing up against you to ensure you smell like him, touching your nose with his, lapping along your neck, sleeping incredibly close, and occasionally smelling between your legs, licking the air around there to smell better. It’s awkward, almost weird, since it isn’t average ‘human’ behavior. But if you love him, let him do it. Please. Understand his nose works differently. It reassures and comforts him to smell you, checking in to see if anything’s changed.

Ryo gets protective when you’re on your period: When you’re pregnant, it’s so, so incredibly worse. He hovers, grumbling low at those walking by. Others barely hear it. It’s intense enough for you to feel it when he’s behind you. He doesn’t like people running up to you, or startling you, or roughhousing or playing in any way. He’s lenient with children, less with teens. Women get a deep growl and scowl. God help any man that approaches you. You might have to have him wear his Hero outfit’s muzzle until you give birth. Though, that might not help because then he’d be protective of two people.

It’s only the teensiest amount better at home. He makes you rest, almost too much. After work or some time outside, he shuffles you to the couch so you can’t overwork yourself. He’s a pleasant change of pace from his typical gruff self. However, as great as he is at the physical needs, he still struggles with the emotional aspects. You can cry on his shoulder, complain, and talk about your worries all you need to. He’s just a bit clunky when it comes to reciprocating the soft emotions. But he puts all his heart into it, and it’s easy to tell.

Ryo is also one who loves pregnancy sexy. You’re swollen and sensitive, and he loves watching your breasts bounce, maybe even leak a little depending on how far along you are. And since you’re already pregnant, he releases and stays inside. After, he lays behind you, keeping himself deep in you despite being flaccid, just feeling how wet and aroused and full you are because of him. When the heated moment is finally done, he licks you clean, nearly getting drunk off your smell.

#aizawa shouta #aizawa x reader #all might #all might x reader #yagi toshinori #toshinori x reader #present mic #present mic x reader #yamada hizashi #hizashi x reader #fatgum #fatgum x reader #taishiro toyomitsu #taishiro toyomitsu x reader #gang orca #gang orca x reader #hound dog #hound dog x reader #ryo inui #ryo inui x reader #bnha x reader #bnha #bnha headcanons #tw pregnancy

[sentinelpri]

Feverish

You were surprised to have been called to the med bay a little bit past nine in the evening, woken up by your phone ringing and Ratchet on the other end. You clutched your robe close to your body as you raced through the hallway, sleep in your eyes and worries in your head.

The lead medic had given you no explanation, only telling you to come meet him outside of the med bay as soon as you could before he hung up on you.

You wondered if it was an emergency, if someone was injured or dying, if something had happened during patrol- Wait, no. Their night patrols didn’t start for another hour or so, and if it had been an emergency, someone like Bumblebee or Optimus would’ve called you in a panic.

Still, the whole situation was weird, and you were worried, so when you saw Ratchet outside of the med bay leaning against one of the walls, you immediately approached him with your concern etched in your features. 

Upon seeing you, Ratchet stood up straight, then put a strong servo on your shoulder in a reassuring manner before looking down at you. His pale blue optics burned into your (e/c) eyes, and though you tried your best, you couldn’t read his expression.

Finally, after what felt like forever, the medic spoke.

“Optimus Prime has fallen ill.”

“What?” You immediately sputtered, and your eyes flew to the door of the med bay; closed, you couldn’t even see Optimus. You just prayed that he was okay. In the time that you’d known the Prime and his team, you’d seen him injured or sick plenty, though the former was much more common. He never prioritized his own health and tried to push himself to do things, even when he was unwell, so he took forever to recover... Hopefully it wasn’t something severe. “How bad is it? Is he awake? Have you told the team yet?”

“Hey, hey, slow down. It’s nothing crazy, (y/n), so don’t worry,” Ratchet’s words, said in an uncharacteristically gentle tone, soothed you, if only a little. If it were serious or ‘crazy’ as he put it, he would’ve told you directly instead of lying, so you believed him. “This morning, I was the first to wake and go into the kitchen to make myself an energy booster when I saw him stumble in... As in, he was literally stumbling over himself and I could see steam rolling off of him from overheat. He insisted he was fine, but something was off, so I dragged him to the medbay for testing. He’s low on energon and coolant, he was overheating, and there was a minor glitch in his vents from some battle damage that I had to fix. He’s recovering fine, but my main concern is that his chassis seems to be overheating to kill an infection. I think it’s just your run-of-the-mill space bug based on the labs I did, so I gave him some antibiotics.”

“You didn’t answer some of my questions-” You started, now concerned with whether you could actually go and see Optimus or not.

It wasn’t uncommon for the red and blue bot to ignore his own needs, but for him to have ignored symptoms that could’ve turned into something much worse had Ratchet not caught them... You wondered if there was something bothering Optimus that was making him neglect himself, more than he usually would.

“So demanding, you youngin’s,” Ratchet huffed and rolled his optics at you. “It’s not that bad, he’s awake, and no, I haven’t told the others yet. Our nightly patrol is soon and I have to break the news to them somehow, which is why I called you here. You can’t go with us anyway and they need me since we’re down one bot, so I want you to stay with Prime. He responds the best to you...” You blinked and then blushed at that, (s/c) cheeks burning bright. It was true that you and Optimus were close, but for Ratchet to acknowledge it like that... Well, you were flattered. You’d loved Optimus for as long as you could remember, and even though Ratchet surely meant that in a platonic way, it was nice to know that the effort you put into your relationship with the bot meant something. “His condition isn’t from a decline in his physical health- I had to pry like hell to find out what it was, but Prime finally broke and told me that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d eaten an energon cube or ran a self-evaluation to make sure he was functioning properly, which is why he’s energy-depleted and why the damage to his vents went unchecked. He’s so stressed from the leadership that this team needs that he isn’t taking care of himself anymore, and now, it’s led to him falling sick again. I think there’s something else going on in that processor of his, too, but he wouldn’t tell me anything else... I just know it’s more mental than anything.”

You stopped, frowning. What else could Optimus be hiding from everyone? Was he doing something dangerous? Had something happened? Was he breaking down from stress?

“O-Oh.. Okay,” You mumbled and leaned into the servo of Ratchet’s that was on your shoulder, sighing when he ran his thumb over a sore spot on the groove between said shoulder and your collar. The two of you had developed a close bond over the past couple years since they’d been on earth, with you, Sari’s tutor and caretaker, also acting as a second medic for the team with Ratchet’s training. While he’d trained you in how to care for the Autobots, you’d given him the basics of human anatomy and medical care, so with that time spent together, you were close- whether the old grump admitted it or not. “What about his medicine? How often does he take it? Is there anything else I need to do?”

“One pill every six human hours, they’re the white gel capsules that are rationed out on the table by Prime’s med-berth. I just gave him a dose, so don’t get him another one until three in the morning. He also needs to drink plenty of energon, coolant, and lubricant to get better, so make him do it, even if he gets pissy with you- shove it down his throat if you have to... But those are all things that I already told him, and he’s fully capable of taking care of himself. I don’t need you in there to take care of him so much as I need you to stay in there to make sure he doesn’t get up and do anything stupid. You know how he gets when he’s sick.”

“Unfortunately, I do...” You let out a long sigh and crossed your arms over your chest. It was going to be hard dealing with Optimus- hell, you could already imagine how he would be trying to sneak out of the med bay to go on patrol or trying to make you bring paperwork for him to do. You wouldn’t allow either, but considering how much larger he was than you, you’d have to convince him to relax instead of just being able to hold his aft down like Ratchet or Bulkhead could. “I’ll make sure he stays put. I’m assuming you’re taking over leadership until he recovers, Ratchet?”

“As the team medic, I’m second in command, so yeah... I have to. I’d let Prowl do it, but Primus knows he doesn’t want to, and I wouldn’t let Bumblebee or Bulkhead within a ten mile radius of any form of responsibility like this. I’m really the only option.”

“Right...” You imagined what a patrol without Optimus, led by a stressed and grouchy Ratchet would be like, and then cringed. “Good luck.”

“Thanks. I’ll need it.”

With that, Ratchet withdrew his servo from your shoulder and waved at you before turning around and walking down the hallway. You figured that Optimus shouldn’t be left alone for too long, so you quickly entered the med bay and shut the door behind you.

It was dark, with a small night light plugged into the walls that illuminated the room just a bit. You could see Optimus, who looked uncharacteristically pathetic, weakly laying on a med berth with a small side table on the ground next to him. On the table were some energon sticks, a cup of coolant, and the white pills that Ratchet had mentioned. 

“(y/n), is that you?” Optimus asked, trying to sit up, but immediately groaning in what you assumed was pain and flopping back down. His eyes squeezed shut, a strained grimace taking over his face-plates. You pulled one of the stools by a wall-counter to the side of the room where Optimus’s berth was and put it right by his side table so you could sit by him. You were close to his face, so you leaned down to look at it as his optics slowly opened back.

He was sick, and it would take at least a few days if not a week to recover; you could tell just by looking at him. His ocean-hued optics were abnormally dark and foggy, his powder blue faceplates were stained dark with heat, and though he wasn’t steaming like Ratchet had described this morning, there was definitely still heat radiating from his frame.

“Yes, Optimus, it’s me... I’m here to watch over you,” You leaned in to kiss the top of his helm, able to feel just how hot the metal felt against you. When you pulled back, you frowned at the absurd amount of heat- almost hot enough to make your lips sting, while Optimus’s normal temperature was a bit cooler than that of an average human’s by a degree or two. “Ratchet called me down here and told me what’s going on a bit ago. The team’s on patrol right now.”

“Slag, I can’t believe Ratchet told you,” Optimus groaned again, this time in annoyance instead of pain. “I told him not to earlier when he was fixing my vents... He’s probably going to tell the rest of the team, too. I have to get up and go supervise the patrol-” He forced himself to sit up this time, forced back a wince, forced his optics to open fully, but the second you pressed a rushed hand to his chest plates and attempted to push him back, he froze.

“Oh, no you don’t!” You argued, eyebrows furrowing in frustration as a pout formed on your face. 

“Oh, yes I do!” The Autobot argued back without hesitation, but didn’t actually move to push your hand away or leave even though he was fully capable of doing so, only resting one of his servos on the one of yours that was on his chest- stumbling and overheating or not, he was much larger and much stronger than you. Then again, he probably knew that Ratchet would beat him to a pulp the second he recovered if he dared lay a single digit on you to escape the med bay. “As much as I appreciate the concern, I don’t want it nor do I need it, and I certainly don’t want it from my team. It’s bad enough that you know. I know they’ll start asking questions when I don’t go on patrol with them, and if they hear that I got sick from overexerting myself and not getting enough rest and energon, they’ll never let me hear the end of it-”

“Well, maybe that’s what you need, so lay your stubborn ass down! I did not come here with my hair all fucked up and in this stupid robe in the middle of the night when I could’ve been sleeping just to have you run away from me when I’m trying to take care of you! You getting up right now just drives home how bad you are about prioritizing yourself,” Optimus’s plump and normally soft lips, now chapped from dehydration, pulled together into a tight frown- it was the face he made when he knew he was in the wrong. “You’re getting out of your bed when you’re supposed to be resting so you can go lie to your team and tell them you’re fine when you’re not, and for what? Your pride?”

“No, I just don’t want them to worry for me. I’m already stressed out enough and the last thing I need is for that to contribute to their struggles. They’re all dealing with so many of their own problems, and I’m sick of being a burden to everyone around me...”

Optimus huffed, but gave up and laid back down, much to your relief. He still held your hand, though, and you let him- even if he was sick, you didn’t want him to let go.

“You’re not a burden, and just like how they’re dealing with their problems, you’re dealing with yours. You don’t have to be perfect to be loved and respected, and not to insult your acting skills, but... They won’t believe you if you walk out there overheating and struggling to stay standing to tell them that you’re perfectly fine. Ratchet told me how you were stumbling around this morning.”

“I hate that you’re right,” He mumbled, and you wondered why he always had to be so childish when he was sick. 

Then again, as much as you hated Optimus’s stubborn personality, it was a major component of who you’d gone and fallen in love with all that time ago. It was crazy, you thought; just the extent that you loved Optimus Prime to, and how terribly unaware he was of it. You thought it best to keep the fact hidden, as you didn’t know what his feelings were, and he had so much on his plate already... It hurt to think that he didn’t know how loved he was- not just by you, but by everyone around him, who he was always bending over backwards for, completely unaware that they’d do the exact same for him.

“And I hate that you treat yourself like this. Plus, as much as Ratchet threatens us all with consequences for our actions, he’s not going to tell them what’s going on in depth; just that you have a fever and that you’re resting, you know he respects patient confidentiality. He’ll probably even downplay it because he knows that’s what’ll make you happy.”

“No, you’re just trying to reassure me, but...” Optimus paused and let go of your hand, fully settling back into the berth. You took your hand back and looked off to the side, already missing his touch. “I know you want to, and that Ratchet probably told you to spend the night here and take care of me, but I’m alright now. I’ll stay and rest, I promise. You can go to your room to sleep, I know you’re usually not up this late, and I’d hate to keep you up with my problems.”

You didn’t really want to leave him, but you were tired, and you believed his words. His tone was genuine enough.

“Are you sure?” You asked and received a nod in return. So, you stood up and collected yourself. “Okay, if you’re sure... I’ll leave and go get some rest, then come back at three to give you your antibiotics and make sure you’ve got something on your stomach.”

Silence. 

The second you turned around to leave, though, Optimus was grabbing the back of your robe and holding the cloth between his digits, tone low as he spoke again.

“Actually, (y/n), wait... Don’t leave me. I need you.”

You turned back around and looked at him, confused. Hadn’t he just told you seconds before that he was fine and that you should leave to go get some rest so that he could fall into recharge as well? What was with the sudden change of heart? Was there something going on with his physical condition, or was it something else?

“Huh? But Optimus, you said you needed to rest...” You muttered, which earned you a shake of his head in return.

“I will,” Optimus promised. “Please, just stay and don’t question it. I lied to you, I don’t know why, but I can’t be alone right now. Don’t leave me.”

The plead from him was unexpectedly vulnerable, honest, open. You appreciated it, but at the same time, you were concerned about what exactly was going on with him- you felt like there was more to the story than stress and leadership and lack of self-care. While all of that was definitely in character for Optimus Prime, there was something else that he wasn’t telling you about, too. With how close you were to him, it wasn’t abnormal for you to have deeper discussions, but for him to admit that he wanted- no, needed you there with him and couldn’t be alone was something you’d never thought you’d hear in your lifetime.

“Okay, I’ll stay until you tell me to go, then. Thank you for being honest with me.”

With that, you sat back down on the stool and looked at him. A little bit of that light had returned to his optics, but he still seemed like he was in rough shape.

“Thank you.”

Silence again.

Instead of adjusting to get comfortable and slip into recharge, Optimus just sat there with his back against the board of the berth, optics trained on you. It had taken a while to get used to when you’d first met him, but nowadays, you were used to the Prime’s intensity, especially when it came to eye/optic-contact. Still, though, the way he was staring at you now... You couldn’t quite interpret it. Then again, could you usually? Optimus was hard to read sometimes.

“You’re not resting,” You teased, but received a serious response in return.

“I’m thinking, and then I’ll rest.”

“You’re sick, the last thing you need to be doing is overthinking like you always do,” You reached out to him, rested your palm on the side of his face and tenderly ran a thumb over the apex of his cheek. Surprisingly, he leaned into your touch with a smile.

“What if it pertains to you? It’s either I tell you and get my closure, which is daunting, or I sit here overthinking it like I always do.”

You felt your heart drop to the bottom of your stomach and flinched. It had been obvious that something was on his processor, but it had to do with you? What was it? Did it have to do with your feelings? Tense, you talked again.

“...Have I done something? I’d rather you tell me.”

“You’ve made me fall in love with you.”

The words were whispered but still felt so loud, filling the room with their impact in a way that made your cheeks hot and your heart beat hard against your chest.

“Your illness must be making you delusional,” You laughed nervously, but Optimus only gave you a sloppy grin and laughed. You moved your hand to the top of his helm to check his temperature, but it hadn’t changed- as much as you wanted to believe it, you were sure he was being serious and not having feverous hallucinations like you’d initially suspected. Still, you thought it proper to ask. “Do you feel hot? Are you overheating again?”

“No, (y/n), I’m just in love with you,” Optimus peered at you, smile falling a bit. “I mean, yes, I am sick, and I’m still overheating, but I’ve been in love with you for- Ah, I’m actually not sure how long it’s been... I just know it’s been too long.”

There was a pause, in which the two of you seemed to be processing what important things were said; in the span of just a minute or two, Optimus had boldly laid his feelings out for you on the table, unabashed and proud, the tension that came with two years worth of pining that you’d been doing solved so... Quickly. You were surprised you hadn’t felt your jaw hit the floor.

Had he really loved you the whole time? Or was this a recent development? Why was he only telling you now? Had his stress over his feelings for you also contributed to his sickness?

“I’m not sure I can talk about this in good conscience when you’re so vulnerable,” You smiled back at him, (e/c) eyes meeting his ocean-hued optics as you removed your hand from his head. Shyly, he reached out to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear. “It feels selfish, but... I love you, too, and that’s why I want you to rest and get better, maybe not stress out so much.”

You kissed the back of his servo as he pulled it away, earning what you hoped was a blush and not more symptoms of overheating.

“I’d kiss you if I weren’t afraid of getting you sick,” Optimus sighed. You were sure that you probably couldn’t catch whatever he had going on since he was a Cybertronian and you were human, but you didn’t want to test that theory, so you left it alone.

“It’s okay,” You reached out to hold one of his servos in both of your hands, squeezing reassuringly. “I can feel the sentiment. Just focus on getting better, okay? We have all the time in the world.”

“Sometimes I fear we don’t- Have all the time, I mean, and I suppose that’s why I finally broke down and did this- I like to believe I’m impervious to everything around me, but I’ve already died once, and every time I get sick, I always think about what will happen if I go offline without telling everyone around me just how much they mean. I didn’t want to be scared anymore, not when it came to you.”

“I...” You stood and got on top of the berth so you could sit next to Optimus, curling into his side. “Me, too.”

“Will you be here when I wake up?” The Prime asked and wrapped an arm around you. Gentle. Strong. Warm.

“Would you like me to be?” You asked in return with a tilt of your head.

“Yes.”

“Then I’ll be here,” Optimus looked at you, clearly somewhat doubtful, but you only shook your head with a smile. “I promise, I won’t leave you. Just get some rest, okay?”

“...Okay.”

So, you stayed, and when Ratchet walked in the next morning to see you curled up by Optimus’s side on the berth with your (lip/chap)stick smeared on his servos, both of you sleeping peacefully for once, he couldn’t help but think that Optimus getting sick once in a while wasn’t so bad after all.

#tfa #transformers animated #transformers #optimus prime #tfa optimus prime #optimus prime x reader #tfa optimus prime x reader #tfa ratchet #ratchet #fanfiction #request #requests

[mearcatsreturns]

/whispers/ So maybe I now have to ask for Ivan and the No Good Terrible Very Bad Day Attempting to Babysit a Grisha Child Who Can Summon Light and Shadow. How could this possibly go wrong.

Once again, this got long, so here's the first chapter of A Day in the Life of Ivan, Or: Ivan’s Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day.

The worst day of Ivan’s life begins years before the fateful day itself, if that’s possible. He’s grateful not to know the precise day, but he knows who—or what, rather—is to blame.

It’s the damn heterosexuals. They just won’t stop fucking, and they’ve made it everyone else’s problem now.

The heterosexuals in question are, of course, Kirigan and Alina, or as they’re known now, the Tsar and Tsarina.

&&&

About three years before the Worst Day™, Ivan is minding his own business, just trying to find some decent food after returning from a mission to the northern border. It wasn’t a bad trip; Fedyor had been with him and they’d enjoyed the opportunity to spend some time together outside the political games of Os Alta.

Nevertheless, Ivan is eager to eat some food that isn’t dried and to sleep in his own comfortable bed. He’s already debriefed with the Tsar and bathed, so he’s delighted to find it’s time for dinner. It’s to be a small group tonight, just the king and queen, Nikolai, Zoya, Tamar, Nadia, Fedyor and him. He can tolerate them all (except Fedyor, who of course is the light of his life), though Alina remains permanently on thin ice. She makes the Darkling light and happy, and it’s just unnatural.

They settle around the table and fall into comfortable conversation. Tolya is on an assignment and intends to travel to Kerch after this. Tamar and Nadia are beginning to formalize their union and are looking for a house. If their bickering and the obscene looks Zoya and Nikolai are giving each other are any indication, Ivan expects some kind of announcement from them any day. The Tsar intends to invite some dignitaries from Novyi Zem to the palace in a few weeks.

And Tsaritsa Alina is pale and...unwell. She looks queasy, and Ivan feels a moment of alarm. Grisha can’t get sick, not unless they don’t use their powers. Given that Alina is the Sol Koroleva, the renowned Sun Summoner, that seems unlikely. Few things lead to such ill appearances. Maybe some kind of poison? If she or her food are being poisoned, they need to know as soon as possible.

Ivan does his usual first step; he counts the heartbeats, checking their speeds. One, two, three, four, everyone is normal, five, six, seven, eight, nine...ah, the ninth is faint and fast.

Wait. Nine? There are only eight of them here at dinner, and the attendants have long since departed.

It hits Ivan like a lightning bolt, and he gasps aloud in shock and horror. The most reasonable explanation for the extra heartbeat and Alina’s ill looks is—oh, saints protect them all—a baby.

Everyone turns to look at him, as though he is the one who’s done something strange and dangerous.

Ivan gapes at Alina and points a finger accusingly, “You’re pregnant! With a baby!”

Beside him, Fedyor closes his eyes and shakes his head, letting out a sigh. Tamar and Nadia exchange a knowing, amused look, though they manage not to laugh. Zoya raises one shapely eyebrow.

Nikolai grins. “One generally is pregnant with babies, as opposed to anything else. Except perhaps with genius ideas, in my case and David’s. Alina, moi tsar, congratulations to you both.”

Alina glares at Ivan. What? He’s not the unholy saint about to unleash terror onto the earth from their womb.

Once he glances at Kirigan, though, Ivan stills. The Tsar is ashen and looks as though someone has dropped an iron on his head, or told him that his beloved horse is Grisha too.

“Aleksander, I wasn’t sure. I was waiting until I was to tell you,” Alina says, one hand on her husband’s forearm. “Are...are you all right?”

The Tsar opens his mouth, but no sounds come out.

Tamar and Nadia stand, hand-in-hand. “We, ah, think we’ll take our leave now. Thank you for a lovely dinner, Sol Koroleva, my King,” Tamar says, and she and her fiancée flee.

Zoya clears her throat and gives Nikolai a look that is very different from the hungry one Ivan so despises on faces that aren’t Fedyor’s.

With a nod at her, Nikolai stands and helps her to her feet. “Indeed. Your hospitality is, as always, boundless, though I can’t help but feel we’re trespassing on it every second we linger here. Erm, do let me know when I can get you a gift.”

“Congratulations,” Zoya says, and to Ivan’s disgust, she actually sounds sincere. He watches as she and Nikolia leave, one of the Lantsov pup’s hands at the small of her waist. One would think the heterosexuals would have learned from this evening that touching each other is dangerous, but apparently some of them are just utter fools.

Fedyor elbows him, and Ivan turns to scowl at his beloved. “Wha—”

A point of his head in the direction of the Tsar and Tsaritsa quiets Ivan.

Alina is kneeling beside her husband’s chair, stroking his arm. Aleksander Kirigan, King of Ravka, Shadow Summoner, the Black General, sits still as a statue, eyes wide with shock.

“We’ll head out now too,” Fedyor says.

Ivan nods, grabbing Fedya’s arm and hauling him from the room. Over his shoulder, Ivan yells, “Good luck!”

Fedyor smacks him, whispering furiously as they close the door behind them. “‘Good luck’?! You’re supposed to say ‘congratulations,’ or ‘have a nice evening,’ you utter troll.”

“I’m a troll now? See if I give you a massage when we get back to our rooms,” Ivan grouses. He pulls Fedyor along, pulling him away from where he seemed inclined to linger by the door. Eavesdropping, pah. He can’t believe he’s married to such a busybody.

Who would want to stay to hear whatever nonsense the Darkling and his wife are about to say or do? He’s had enough of that for one lifetime, thank you very much.

Ivan shudders. The two most powerful Grisha on the planet, one a sun summoner and the other a shadow summoner, having a baby? The world is definitely doomed.

&&&

The next day, Ivan receives a summons to go see the Tsar. Dread churns in his stomach, and he rubs his eyes. He hadn’t slept well, especially after he and Fedyor had a tiff about “inappropriate behavior and outbursts.” And now he’s to see his boss, probably about said outburst the previous night.

He accompanies Anton, the young oprichnik to the Tsar’s quarters, and the boy brightens with excitement to be talking to one of the Tsar’s most favored Grisha. “Thank you, Andrei. I’ll make my way from here.” The boy’s face falls, but Ivan dismisses him with a nod. If the oprichniki got any more friendly, they’d start calling him Vanya without his permission. Appalling.

Ivan takes a deep breath, then knocks at the door. He’s long since learned the value of knocking after Alina and the General got together, especially now that they share their quarters. Unfortunately, no healer has yet to find something to wipe certain sights from his brain.

“Come in,” Kirigan’s faint, disembodied voice commands.

Ivan lets himself into the room, waiting while the Tsar steps around the corner from the bedroom he shares with his queen.

“Good morning, Ivan.”

“Good morning, moi soverennyi. I hope you rested well,” Ivan replies, tone funereal. Saints, he prays he’s not about to be sent to Tsibeya permanently. He runs his hand under his collar, annoyed to find he’s actually sweating.

Kirigan’s face gives nothing away. “I did, thank you. The Tsaritsa is with Genya and one of the healers.”

“And she...she is well?” Ivan gulps.

“Yes. She was apparently a bit surprised last night herself, as she’d only just begun to suspect she might be pregnant.”

As much as Ivan hates when the Tsar’s feelings show—it’s usually him making soppy, annoying faces at Alina—he wishes Aleksander would just say what’s on his mind.

“My apologies, sir, I was also surprised. She seemed unwell, and I wanted to make sure she wasn’t, say, being poisoned.”

“You thought someone might be poisoning my wife?” Kirigan is incredulous.

“Things have been very calm with Fjerda lately. I don’t trust it.”

The General mutters under his breath, something about not trusting anything.

Ivan waits. Finally, Kirigan breaks the not-so-silent silence. “Well, thank you for your concern. And, ah, the surprising news.”

“You’re most welcome,” he replies gloomily.

“You don’t seem thrilled.”

“Forgive me, moi tsar, but I don’t see a need for excitement at a natural result of your conjugal activities. Sir.”

Oh, saints, is Kirigan frowning at him? Ivan mentally starts packing his belongings when the frown becomes a smile and then a laugh.

Perhaps Aleksander still isn’t quite recovered from the shock of his impending fatherhood.

He’s not paying attention to Ivan anyway. Kirigan makes his way to the table, shuffling the papers there unseeingly. “I didn’t think it was possible, you know.”

“I did not.” And Ivan would like to keep it that way.

Alas, Aleksander seems inclined to continue talking. “In all my long life, longer than you know, I’ve never fathered a child.”

Ivan grimaces. The world is probably grateful, though now it has much to fear. “It would have been challenging to have had a child during the wars, sir.”

Kirigan waves this aside, and unfortunately continues speaking. “Still, for it to happen with Alina...I’m so thrilled, Ivan.”

“And I am...happy for you, General.” Make it stop. Ivan is queasy.

“Of course, it’s probably for the best that it didn’t happen when Alina and I first got together, especially now that I know how possible that was.”

Ivan wants to cover his ears and sing “la la la la la,” but the implications of what his boss is saying finally sink in, and his horror at this whole situation increases exponentially. “Wait. Do you mean to say you weren’t using, ah, preventative measures?”

Kirigan’s face grows sheepish. “Until my conversation with Alina last night after you all departed, I wasn’t aware there was such a thing. In my day, one simply planned around the time of the month or withdrew from—”

“I beg you to stop talking. Moi soverennyi,” Ivan adds as an afterthought.

The Tsar falls silent, and Ivan sighs with relief.

But something bothers him. “Did you not get any sort of talk about how to prevent pregnancy when you were training? Even I did when I was young, before everyone knew I wouldn’t have to worry about that.”

“Like I said, there weren’t those kinds of options when I was young, as far as I know,” Kirigan says with a shrug.

Ivan begins to realize that his boss is, in fact, much older than he thought. That explains the herring and rye, too. He hesitates before venturing to speak. “Do...was Alina—the queen, that is, did she explain the different kinds of birth control, or…?”

“Well, I can’t get her more pregnant, Ivan.”

It’s too horrible to even contemplate, and Ivan shudders.

Kirigan laughs and slaps his shoulder. “Don’t worry, you don’t have to give me The Talk. Alina was so upset I didn’t know that she told me everything last night.”

Ivan’s lips twist in dismay at Aleksander’s rapturous expression that indicates there was a demonstration of some practical applications. Ugh. “Small mercies.”

“Well, hopefully you’ll consider this next a mercy: I want you and Fedyor to stay close through Alina’s pregnancy, especially once word gets out.”

Staying in Os Alta won’t be so bad, but the idea of dancing attendance on Alina, all while some parasite hijacks and distorts her body...well, hopefully he’ll get a good field assignment once this pregnancy is over. “Of course, moi tsar. And when will it end? I mean, ah, when is the blessed event?”

“In seven and a half months or so, perhaps eight. She’s about five or six weeks along, the healer says. And that, well…” Kirigan smiles at what is clearly the memory of this child’s conception.

Ivan fervently wracks his brain, desperate to keep his boss from offering more information that will give him nightmares about heterosexual intercourse. “And is there any way of knowing whether the babe will be a shadow summoner or sun summoner? Or both?”

A stricken look comes over Kirigan’s face. “Both?” He clearly hasn’t considered this possibility yet. “But that…” He doesn’t continue, instead going to fall into his chair and stare into distance.

It’s going to be a long few months.

&&&

It’s roughly eight months after that when Ivan is rudely pulled from sleep by Genya bursting into his and Fedyor’s room like she has the right.

It’s obscenely early in the morning, Ivan is, as is his usual habit, sleeping on his side facing the window. Fedyor, as is his usual custom, sleeps with his arm slung over Ivan’s waist and his head buried between his shoulder blades. It’s very soothing, normally.

Not today, though. The door opens with a bang, and Genya yells, “It’s time! She’s here!”

Ivan, suddenly wide awake, goes to jump out of bed. Instead, he finds that Genya has slowed their heart rates enough that hurrying is impossible. He glares at her. “What the fuck are you doing in our room? Who is here?”

“The baby is here. The tsarevna.”

“It’s a girl?” Fedyor asks with a smile.

Genya grins back. “Yes. She’s adorable.”

Ivan does not smile. “I’m glad she’s arrived. But why are you here in our bedroom at—” he glances at the clock and continues, “4:52 in the morning?”

“Everyone is going to see here. You’re the Tsar’s right-hand man, Ivan, so they’ll be expecting you.”

“Well, Genya, darling, you’ll have to let our hearts do their normal thing if you want us to do that,” Fedyor adds.

She shakes her head and drops her hand. “Of course. Sorry. See you there in fifteen minutes, and please be wearing pants. And shirts.”

Ivan grumbles, but gets out of bed. It’s difficult to want to leave when Fedyor is looking over him like that, but Kirigan probably will be upset if they don’t come to fawn over his spawn in what he deems a reasonable amount of time.

He and Fedyor make their way down the halls of the palace to Aleksander’s and Alina’s private apartment. The door is open, but Ivan nods at the guards and knocks anyway before stepping inside, Fedyor on his heels. He walks back to the bedroom, where he can hear hushed, happy conversations.

Alina is lying on the bed. She looks sweaty and disgusting, but in a radiant and maternal way that the Tsar seems to find beautiful, since he can’t look away from her. Typical, and exactly what got them into this mess.

The mess in question is wrapped in a blanket in her mother’s arms. Ivan glances at the small bundle, which seems to be sleeping. It is certainly very red.

Kirigan sits in a chair beside the bed, as close to it and his wife and new daughter as he can. He’s resting one hand on Alina’s shoulder, while the other trails along his daughter’s tiny head.

“The tsarevna is lovely,” Fedyor says, smiling down at the family.

Ivan thinks that’s a bit of a stretch, but he nods. “She looks like a baby. A healthy one.”

Fedyor elbows him, but Alina just rolls her eyes. “Thank you, I think.”

“She’s beautiful,” Aleksander says firmly, his face still disturbingly dreamy. “We’ve decided to call her Anastasia.”

Nastia. That seems about right.

Just then, the wee girl stirs and starts to wail. As her cries grow louder and Alina shifts to be able to feed her, shadows creep into the room. Then through the darkness, Ivan sees little flashes of light coming from the baby.

Fuck. This tiny child can summon shadows and light.

Nasty little Nastia indeed.

#fivan #heartrender husbands #darklina #heartrender husbands ff #fivan ff #ivan ff #darklina ff #sab ff #shadow and bone #grishaverse #my fanfic #next chapter should be up tomorrow or the next day #Ivan remains a beleaguered and snarky fool #will be on ao3 too #give ivan a raise 2kwhatever

[queer-and-dear-books]

Title: The Bridge

Author: Bill Konigsberg

Genre: YA Fiction | Drama | Friendship | LGBTQ+

Content Warnings: Suicide | Fatphobia | Bullying | Depression

Overall Rating: 8.5/10

Personal Opinion: Two teenagers, Aaron and Tillie, meet on a bridge, both at the end of their ropes. What would happen if they both jumped? What would happen if only one of them did? What would happen if they decided to talk to the other teenager there and walked away together? What would happen to them and those around them? An incredibly introspective novel into human nature and the need to be loved.

Do I Own This Book? No.

Spoilers Below For My Likes & Dislikes:

Likes:

- I do appreciate Konigsberg’s intent to destigmatize suicidal ideation and depression so I’ll give him credit there. This was a monumental and probably a really draining project but I do think it accomplishes a lot that he set out to do. He never did claim there to be a cure to the characters’ depression, despite Aaron’s belief that he could be cured. Their deaths impacted all the people in their lives to a variety of degrees but none of it was positive. Except for the person saved from witnessing the other plummet. Tillie’s exes suffered terribly because they became filled with self-loathing and blamed themselves for her death. Her sister was broken, her parents divorced in maybe the worst way possible, and all her classmates were terrible to one another. Aaron’s peers, on the other hand, were clueless. They didn’t know him at all and it wasn’t their fault but the ones closest will forever wonder why or if there was something they could’ve done differently. Then there’s Aaron’s dad who was just devastated and broken for years to come.

- I like that, in the scenario that showed both their deaths, we’d seen more. Their futures. The people they would’ve touched had they lived. Boyfriends and employers and family and fans that could’ve found some love or hope had they survived. It’s very hopeful and the thing is, I will never know. I’ll never know if I were to die tomorrow, would there be some man in the future wondering about my absence. That he’s supposed to love someone but I’m gone.

- I do love the realism in Aaron when he lived and Tillie didn’t. All that he went through after. The hopes he had, when they got dashed. How close he was to making friends but because of his drug-induced mania, he’d embarrassed himself horribly in front of the Jones-Joneses and Amir. It’s humiliating and I can unfortunately relate. Plus, his sessions with his therapist hit close to home. His thought that maybe he’s not mentally unwell and he’s just faking it is just so real. He doesn’t really get social cues and he thinks he’s meant to be bigger than he is and that is so relatable it is scary. So I can connect with him very well.

- In the timeline where Tillie is the sole survivor, I was just so invested. I mean, the way she confronted her demons and it actually worked out for her in the end was almost magical. I think it helped Molly and Amir a lot too and I can picture the three of them being friends. It just sucks that it took pushing her to the edge for that development to happen.

- In the scenario where they’d both lived and became friends, they lived their best cases and got better because they found each other. They became their own rocks and they were both prepared to be the hero. It was admirable and I loved it. I think they’re going to be best friends forever, truly. I also hope that, in the future, Aaron and Amir can be friends. And Aaron will introduce Hal to Amir and Amir will introduce his husband to them. And Tillie will also find a guy who will adore her. They all truly deserve it.

- Getting a glimpse into their futures without letting it pour into the timeline where they’re both alive is honestly genius. It provides content for the portion where they’re gone but it also does more than that, it shows the reader everything that Aaron and Tillie missed out on. Because it’s not just the people they’d already loved who were affected. The people they have yet to meet will also have that absence. It probably wouldn’t be as deep as it is in this book, if I’m being honest. But it’s such a nice thought. And, when you get the final section, you have the images of their future set in your mind. You know they will be alright because eventually, Aaron will meet Hal. Someday, Tillie is going to be an amazing aunt to Ajax. These futures will happen and it will be incredible for them.

- Small thing, there had been a very brief scene where one of Aaron’s teachers asks if he’d been bullied for being gay. As if that was the only reason that a queer kid would want to kill themselves. It reminded me of when my therapist believed I’d been bullied for being gay and the truth is, I wasn’t. I mean, I’d heard the occasional ignorant comment in the hallway or in the locker room but no one’s ever bullied me. Allies seem to have this perception of how a gay person’s life should be and it shouldn’t disappoint them if I, or others, have not had those experiences. It’s progress!

Dislikes:

- Again, I absolutely appreciate Konigsberg’s intentions and his heart was obviously in the right place. But it was mildly triggering. It’s a lot. But you know, I think it had to be tough for the message to get across. And also, readers should use their own discretion when picking up books. That’s why I include content warnings in these reviews so people can prepare themselves for what they might read.

- There’s so much secondhand embarrassment during Aaron’s manic episodes. Both of them. I mean, when he was begging the so-called producer and said that he’d do “anything,” I got so damn scared. But also, I could relate. I mean, I can’t say I wouldn’t really do the same if I had been in his situation. I don’t think I would go steal a bike and scream for Amir and announce my love like that, but you know, I have anxiety so I can’t quite relate to what goes on in a manic brain. To be clear, this isn’t really a bad thing, I was just so embarrassed for Aaron that it became painful to read at times.

- Tillie’s rage laying dormant in her and coming out when she’d come face to face with Amir and her father was great. I think she should’ve told them off harder. I do think it’s probably one of the more unrealistic aspects of this story. At the same time, I really loved it so it’s very conflicting in my opinion.

- Now, onto the things that really pissed me off. Aaron’s negligent mother and Tillie’s negative EQ father. Shitty parents will always piss me off, regardless of their role and necessity to the story. I just hate them. However, I am so very glad that Aaron’s mom and dad are already divorced. I also think that his mother’s quiet and subdued pain in the timeline he died was impactful and real. I’m just wondering though. Why did Tillie’s parents divorce in all of the timelines except for the one in which she and Aaron lived? I mean, he’s just shitty. Her mom has to know that. Instead, he had somehow changed his tune near the end? Or maybe they will still file for divorce, he’s just going to be a better dad regardless? That would be the best case scenario but Konigsberg is too ambiguous for me to know for sure.

- “Daddy.” Why did both Tillie and Aaron call their fathers that word in their moments of vulnerability? Was it because they regressed to a time way back when? Or was it to provide impact? Because for a millennial, that is just jarring. For teenagers that should know the memes and sexual jokes, I feel like it does not work. Although I do sort of understand the intent? I think? Either way, I think there were better words. They should have just said, “Dad.” You can be emotional and still say “Dad.”

#Booklr #Booksbooksbooks #Book Blog #Book Review #Book Recs #The Bridge #Bill Konigsberg #Tillie also happens to be Asian which is awesome

[ninnodesu]

The New Matriarch, ch 2.

Tw: - Memories of rape - Brief mentioning of rape!  

Thomas B. Hewitt.

It's…, Sunday? Yeah, it's Sunday. He thinks before rubbing tired eyes to wake them up before squinting to the window that's cracked open. The sun's up, but it doesn't feel as warm as it usually is, even early in the morning. Seems like today's going to be a milder day.

Good. I don't have to overheat and die. He chuckles at his own bad attempt at a joke as he rolls out of bed. His back cracks in a symphony of newly awoken and hard working bones as he stretches, a grunt escaping his lips. He trudges over to his dresser and pulls one of the drawers out, grabbing the first t-shirt he sees. It’s gray and worn out with small holes in the seams under his armpit, but he knows they can’t afford to get new ones.

It will have to do, I guess, he shrugs and pulls it over his head. Realizing he probably should have taken a shower first, but frowns. He knows it’s no point in showering before going to work in cleaning the barn. His mama asked him the week before if he could help clean the barn, she wanted to see if there was anything of value they could maybe sell at a yard sale to try and scrape up some more money.

Even though the scraps of meat rejects he snagged with him home after a hard day's work were enough, his mama was longing for bread and maybe some fruits and vegetables. And those were expensive. So he promised her he would take a look and throw away obvious trash the next day he was off work. Which happened to be every Sunday. Before heading out he pulls his boots on and reaches for the mask hanging on a hook next to his door to buckle it on the back of his head. All the years he's been wearing it has turned his skill in buckling it to perfection and he fastens it while walking through the upstairs hallway, tired floorboards greeting him under his weight.

He stops suddenly at one of the stairs that makes a particularly alarming creak and bucks a bit, “Hm…”, he bounces as carefully as he can to not break the board to test it. Making a mental note that he has to take a look at that specific step at another day. Hoping it’ll not break in the meantime.

With a yawn he enters the kitchen where his mama is preparing breakfast to the best of her abilities with what they've got, some sausages she managed to throw together with whatever scraps he could snag with him from work, and eggs. In his heart he thanks God that they still had chickens.

"Mornin', darlin'", she says as he walks up to her and nuzzles his forehead to her temple. A small hum from him to wish her the same. "You goin' to fix that barn I asked you for today?", stuffing half a sausage in his mouth as he grunts. His own way of saying “yes”. He doesn’t like speaking anymore. Not since he carved on his face, a desperate attempt at trying to remove dead, and sick skin. He only knew pain during the healing period. And he lost a lot of weight at first, both speaking and eating only caused him pain. So he stopped talking. Doing his best to avoid unnecessary pain to his already throbbing face.

Yeah, don't worry, mama. Even if Sundays are the only days he has off work, he's still happy to help. And today seems to be a mild day. Even if the sun's out it goes behind clouds from time to time.

Rather today than next week. He thinks to himself munching away at his breakfast while looking out the window, not focusing on anything particular, leaving his brain a chance to wake up properly. Somewhere in the distance, he hears a loud burp, and then a door closing harshly, probably to try and wake up the last family member who was still snoring on the couch and then the sound of angry stomping wakes him up from his daydream and he lets out a small discrete sigh.

Great., he huffed silently at the sight.

His brother, Charlie, enters the kitchen. He reeks of both tobacco and alcohol,

Already? Come on, man…, Thomas just makes a grimace behind the leather as he follows him with his eyes. Usually, it was when Charlie had alcohol still running in his blood that he barked orders at Thomas, so he was used to Charlie drinking not being the best of signs. He never really did like when he drank, even less so early in the morning. Sure, the slaughterhouse had a worse smell, but that smell he was used to.

Charlie plops himself down at the kitchen table and just violently stabs one of the sausages with a fork.

"Mornin', mama.” His twisted and crooked smile directed towards their mother, before his eyes drilled into Thomas and he returned the stare. A tired but fierce stare off between the brothers. “Remember what mama told you, boy. You're goin' to clean the barn.", Charlie nods at him with a really childish tone at the end and Thomas grunts a reply before looking away, annoyed.

"Leave Tommy alone, Charlie!”, their mama scolds him and lightly smacks his head with her towel. “He's already done promised me that he's gonna. Let the boy finish eatin' his breakfast in peace."

Thomas lowers his head and smirks behind his mask while looking down at his plate. Mama always has his back.

"Yes, mama.", Charlie's voice is low but he gives the big man in front of him an annoyed stare. "Mama's boy…" he mutters under his breath before starting to eat the impaled sausage.

By the time Thomas has finished his breakfast, he hears shuffling from the living room and his uncle stumbles into the kitchen on tired legs. His uncle has never really seemed to pay him much mind, so Thomas does the same as he puts his plate in the sink. All he does is give him a nod on his way over to thank his mother for the breakfast by giving her a small kiss on the cheek through his mask and rub her shoulder before heading out to the barn.

Thank you, mama.

Outside, it's cool - for once - and he can't help but to close his eyes and relax when he feels a breeze caress the part of his face not covered up. He raises a hand and touches his mask, wishing he could feel the breeze on his entire face. But he knows better. Charlie would just harass him if he caught him without it.

Forget it. He shakes that thought away and trudges over to the barn and gives out a loud groan when he sees how much he actually has to do today.

I'll be sore tomorrow at work…

Hours go by. Lunch is over before he even realizes he's eaten it. The clouds have gathered over his head and he's afraid it'll start raining before he's done. On his way in to gather more junk lying around he hears something, a voice.

What th-....  He stops, trying to listen and see if he hears it again. Silence.

Maybe I'm imagining things. He shrugs, but then hears it again. "Please, help me!”, He gazes out towards the wheat field, squinting eyes trying to see something. He still can’t see anyone, though. He’s sure he did hear someone. He turns to look towards the main house to see if it came from there, but nothing. Not his name, no sounds coming from the house that would indicate someone came to hurt his family.

“Hm…”, he takes one step, and then one more away from the barn, toward the general direction he thought the voice came from. His curiosity has peaked.

After a few minutes of silence has passed he’s suddenly startled and his head jerks toward one of the walls where he sees a woman.

What the he-... where did you co-, his inner monologue is interrupted by her hoarse voice. “Please… please help me.”, it’s hard to hear, but knowing how rough his own voice is after so many years of choosing to be silent he’s learned to distinguish words. Seeing her walk towards him makes him back up himself. She’s all beaten up. Hair is more of a mess than his own and she smells of sweat, blood and earth. She’s so much smaller than him in height, not that he’s particularly surprised, honestly. Clothed in something that looks like several  potato sacks badly put together through the years to accommodate her growth. She’s dirty, and it looks like she’s badly hurt. He just watches her at first. “I beg of you. They’re chasing me. I need… I need help.”

You look like you’ve been through Hell... His eyes flicker towards the main house when he notices that she's not looking directly at him, but rather outside. Suddenly, he reacts to footsteps. Close ones and he turns his attention to them, tilting his head and listening to them. Following them.

Deep into concentration he feels small, weak fingers gripping the hem of his rolled up sleeve, tugging at it to get his attention. “Please…”.

He lets out a sigh. You must be truly desperate to reach out for me, lady. His head is directed towards a sound, and around the corner comes a man, and he looks straight at him as he takes a step in front of the strange woman, shielding her, Thomas stares at the man.

“Ah, good. I see you found our sister, there. I’ve been looking for her.”, Something tells Thomas it’s just lies. “I can take care of her now. She’s uh… She’s unwell ”, the last word came out as a whisper, something that shouldn’t be talked about.

Thomas just stands there, crossing his bulky arms over his huge chest, trying his best to look intimidating enough to avoid any violence.

You really think I’m falling for that, huh?, he smirks behind his mask and tilts his head to the side.

A stare off ensues. One huge man looking down at the smaller one. The bull versus the fox. Thomas lets out a big huff that sounds like a mixture between a laugh and a sound an annoyed bull makes.

I’ll humour you, but only because it’s fun to see you try.

“Look, we’re just here to take her back to her room so we can take care of her, okay? That’s all there is.” The stranger takes a step forward, and Thomas manages to hear whispers close by.

There’s more of you, huh?

Thomas looks down at the girl who has curled into a tiny ball behind his legs when he feels his pant leg start to shake slightly where she started gripping it out of fear.

“No.”, it’s dark, and hoarse, but it only helps to convey his statement. “No?”, the man mimics, suddenly realizing that his lie had failed. “Heheh. I see. That bitch told you, didn’t she? Well, this one is ours. We bought her. She is our property.”, Thomas frowns when he sees a sneer appear on the stranger. Then he chuckles darkly.

What the hell are you talking about?

“Tell you what, big man? If you hand her over to us, we can arrange a fee for you.” His leg suddenly gets warm as she hugs closer to him, clings to him, even. Like he’s some kind of life preserve for her. And that’s when his brain switches.

You can relax, I’m not letting them take you, he puts a hand on her head to try and convey his inner monologue and conversation with her. “Leave.”, he hasn’t spoken this much in months. But he wants her to know that she can stay, at least until his mama has had her say in it. “I’m not leaving until I get my property back!”, the stranger practically roars as he lifts the gun he’s been holding behind his thigh.

Thomas’ eyes darken at the sight, he truly doesn’t want to resolve to violence, at least not if his family isn’t involved, there’s no point. And as far as he’s concerned, this woman is not family. “You’re one big beast, you know that?”, a small chuckle emitted from the gun wielding maniac standing in front of the pair.

Then, like a gift from heaven - for once - he sees Charlie as he butts the stranger with the end of his own shotgun. The man falls to the barn floor. It’s not until he hears the thud that Thomas finally relaxes his stance a tiny bit.

Useful, for once.

“Who the fuck is that, Tommy?”, Charlie nods towards the scared girl still behind Thomas’ leg, who's desperately trying to curl into a smaller ball. Thomas’ looks down at her at first and then just… shrugs. He has no idea who she is. All he knows is that she’s the first person ever in his entire life who has been this adamant with getting his help. He puts his hand back on her head again and slowly strokes her messy hair.

It’s okay, now.

-----------------------------------------------------------

You.

Your sight darkens slightly and you fall into shadows as something big steps in front of you, and you look up to see him look toward something. You follow his gaze and see him, the one who had shot you and you take a step back behind the giant in an attempt to completely disappear out of sight. Why is he alone? Where’s the rest?!, your brain starts to go into that panicked state and you fall to the floor, your legs can’t keep you up anymore as fear sets in. You can’t see anyone else. There were at least three… Three… and… the dog… “Ah, good. I see you found our sister, there. I’ve been looking for her.” Liar.

“I can take care of her now. She’s uh… She’s unwell”, you jerk your head and eyes towards him when you hear his disgusting voice. You glance up at the huge man when you see his hands raise as he crosses them over his chest. You take a big gulp of air. He’s huge…

Silence.

You jump a bit at the moment the giant huffs. “Look, we’re just here to take her back to her room so we can take care of her, okay? That’s all there is.”, you flinch when you hear a shuffle towards you both.

No, no no no no. Not the box, please. Anything but that fucking box!  You curl up, instinct kicking in as you start to grab at the strange man’s pant leg while shaking. You’re so scared. You look up at him when you feel a pair of eyes gaze at you. And that’s when you finally manage to see his face. Or, whatever there was of it. It’s covered in a mask.

Strange… But his eyes seem kind. Light blue, you can’t see any kind of hate in them. You can’t really see any clear emotion at all, actually.

“No. ”, a shiver runs down your spine when you hear his voice. It’s dark, almost as hoarse as your own. But you feel safer than you’ve felt since you started running. “No?”, the man with the gun mimics, his voice is low, and clings to your ears and nerves as black tar.

You zone out, memories starting to trickle into your brain. Memories that makes you nauseous. Memories of his voice sticking in your ears as he forced himself into you, his tongue tracing venomous trails across every part it could reach. This disgusting voice, this sticky and tar like voice of his. You hate it. You hate it so much. In the middle of remembering all the sticky things his voice told you, you wrap your arms around the big leg in front of you, and bury your face in it, shielding yourself. Right now, the only safe place you can remember in your life is this man.

That’s when you feel a hand on your head. It’s not clamping down to hurt you, or to force your face up to make you recieve some disgusting load. It’s just… there. It’s there like a warmth, a helmet. A way to comfort you, you make you realize he wants to help you.

“Leave. ”, that same dark voice speaks. His whole body vibrates. “I’m not leaving until I get my property back!”

Shut up, shut up, shut the fuck up!, you press your eyes shut. Just hoping it will end. You keep your eyes shut. Not wanting to see his face anymore, not wanting to be here anymore. You just want everything and anything to end. You want to wake up from this nightmare. And that’s when you hear a thud and another voice speak out.

“Who the fuck is that, Tommy?”

Tommy? Wh… Who’s “Tommy”?, your brain is too tired to fully function and put two and two together.

This new voice sounds older, it’s definitely another man. But you can’t place him. It’s new. It isn’t until you feel the same hand on your head again, but this time in a stroking motion, that you get the courage to look up. But you can’t relax yet. You know there’s more people here. Around the house. You’re just not sure where they are. So you decide to try and talk again.

“M...m-...”, you take a shaky breath, and try to gather saliva again, easier this time. “Ther- there’s more…”

“More what?”, The old man spits at you as he crouches down to your eye level and looks at you, he seems angry at you, so you flinch further behind the behemoth, who all he can do is stand there since your grip is tight on his leg. His hand still on your head, intently watching as you attempt to have a conversation with the old man.

“O-... of them…”, you whisper as you nod towards the one lying down on the floor, still breathing.

“Are you trying to tell me that there’s more of those bastards on my property, girl?”, the old man spits.

He’s definitely angry, shit.

All you can manage to do is nod. The old man stands tall and puts his hands on his hips as he clicks his tongue. You stay put, almost too scared to move a muscle, your nerves still on high alert, ready to sprint if you hear any kind of loud noise. But nothing happens, it’s still. “Come. We’ll talk to mama.”, the old voice mumbles out, “After that, you’re helping me bring our sleeping friend to the sheriff’s station.” Before you’re able to fully comprehend what’s happening your protector bends down best to his abilities and slowly pats your arms holding him tight while keeping eye contact with you.

“Wh… what…?”, you’re confused. So, so confused as you look at him. He lightly takes hold of your arms and slowly pry them open to release his leg. “Oh…”, is all you can say as you understand what he wants and you release his leg by your own will, but still not fully grasping what he wants to do, at least not until you feel his strong arms under you.

One hooking under your legs and one resting at your back.

And you’re off the ground. It’s not until he takes one step forward that your brain sends a harsh reminder about the pain in your shoulder and you shriek out.

“FUCK!”, it’s loud enough - or you’re way too close to his ear - that he jumps, his grip almost slipping. The pain is enormous all of a sudden, and that’s when it happens. You pass out. Your brain, and body, finally giving up. You can’t run anymore, and you mentally accept your fate, not caring what it might be and you’re put into a deep slumber.

#The New Matriarch #TNM #thomas hewitt #thomas leatherface hewitt #thomas hewitt fanfictiom #slasher #tcm fanfiction #tcm: the beginning #tcm #charlie hewitt

[colorisbyshe]

if you want to complain more about clamp I am listening :) as someone who owns many volumes of the manga in multiple languages...... I am listening. <3

okay i’m just gonna rant in a very, very long post everyone please just avert your eyes mental illness is happening

but like....... as someone who was nostalgically reading these manga to bring back some happy memories i had as a kid, discovering that these series (ccs which i remembere dfondly despite not having actually watched/read as a kid, and trc and xxxholic which i read with some of my best friends at the time) are not just deeply flawed but harbouring so much like... frankly heinous shit in them is like??? deeply hurtful to me???

and like... i could handle cardcaptor sakura being full of evil shit because i had no deep personal connection, i just wanted to better understand ccs references in tsubasa and lik better appreciate syaoran and sakura and like its 90s shoujo OVER COURSE ITS FUCKED UP! just like sailor moon and fruits basket like it’s not good but like... i can process it

trc hurts me because like... the character writing for kurogane and fai is fucking PHENOMENAL, the concept is cool and interesting and unique, it (for the most part) has great themes and the way it explores concepts like grief, trauma, sacrifice, and healing was a balm to my quarantined soul

but you can tell where they realized they literally... did not know how to resolve their plot? and it got so complicated it legit gave me headaches but at least i had kurogane nad fai and then they’re shoved to the side just for it to be revealed that syaoran... is syaoran and sakura’s son... looking to meet up with sakura... to be with her... so they can be his parents

like... wow so great to watch this beautiful relationship be explored with kurogane and fai saving each otehr from the worst part of themselves just to be sidelined for “what if those fourth graders from cardcaptor sakura where husband and wife AND mother and son but like NOT REALLY becaues syaoran is also syaoran’s own dad so is it incest or just really confusing” but no it’s both like legit when falling in love with sakura he comments on how she’s just like his mom like hello bitch? you’re 14 but i’ll still kill you that shit is WEIRD

so that wAS NOT GREAT and then it ends with THE GROUP SEPARATED AT THE END?? SO I COULDN’T EVEN GET A HAPPY ENDING like yeah maybe it’s good sakura and syaoran were separated but kurogane and fai got to stay together beacuse... fuck the incest  but like... where is my catharsis where is my happiness??

and i’m rereading xxxholic which was my favorite of trc/xxxholic as a kid and... first off, it’s boring, secondly, it thinks it’s smarter than it is an dhas contradicting themes every other chapter, but FUCK it’s so interesting but doumeki, himawari, watauniki, and yuuko don’t have half the bonds as the TRC gang and like... i still don’t know why doumeki was going so fucking hard for watanuki

but the concepts were interesting enoguh and watching watanuki grow was nice

but you can ALSO tell AGAIN clamp just got bored and didn’t know how to wrpa it up so suddenly watanuki gives up ALL HIS BONDS AND HURTS ALL HIS FRIENDS just to be reunited with yuuko??? despite the themes of the story being about how self sacrifice causes scars on others?? and that’s BAD like if you love your frieneds you don’t hurt them by undervaluing yourself??? THATS A BASIC THEME OFT HE STORY

and then they rush to pair off doumeki with a girl THEY HELPED RAISE so he can have children to stay with watanuki... himawari is written off despite her last interactions with watanuki being about them caring for each other anad choosing to stay in contact despite her curse... and like yuuko’‘s entire character is never explained she’s just like “i’m a woman who exists as a vehicle of plot in both TRC and xxxholic i will never be given depth beyond that... well also i’ll ruin watanuki’s life”

and hen the last chapters are just watching everyone grow up while watanuki is alone, never aging, helping grant wishes where he watches other immortal beings suffer and lose everyone, and it just ends with him relizing he likely won’t ever see yuuko again but he’ll keep waiting?? even though it’s been 100 yers and everyone he loves is dead??

and that shit is not good for my mental health like i feel like i have been isolated fo ra hundred years beacuse of covid watching watanuki choose it hurt edeply

like half the manga is about syaoran and sakura begging him not to vanish (also that plotline was WEIRDLY dropped) and the series ends with him effectively... vanishing a sa person and just becoming shopkeeper

how fucking depressing??

i could handle a sad ending if it had value. if it said something. if it didn’t have doumeki marrying a girl he knew since she was an abused elementary schooler while he was like 17. ESPECiALLY when IN THE PANELS REVEALING IT it weren’t like “atcually neither of them love each other they love watanuki but it’s fine” like HUH????????? FOR WHY

and ive really had to grasp the reason why there’s so much fucked up shit (incest, pedophilia) in those series is core to CLAMP’s messages accross all their mangas about soulmates nad how about love can triumph over everything

and like using such a PURE message to be like “if an adult is in love with a child and they’re soulmates, it’s to be” is so fucking evil

like they’ll tip toe around kurogane and fai, yukito and touya, doumeki and watanuki, and all the gaybait that i KNOW is in their other series because i’ve grown up seeing shit like tokyo babylon and legal drug and all their other dropped manga

because gay peopl ebeing soulmates is a wink and a nod

but ADULTS WITH CHILDREN THEY ARE IN CHARGE OF??? MOTHER AND SON MAYBE??? oh that’s fine they’re REAL soulmates who will go against TIME AND DIMENSION MAGIC ITSELF to be in love

like...............................

gay people are second class characters compared to pedos and incest... does it get worse than that? like besides emotionally destroyed by the sad endings, i get that shit too?

it hurts on a deeper level like feels like a betrayal and i’m kind of really sad i revisited something i enjoyed so much as a kid (even when i didn’t understand wtf was going on, because i was literally reading it at the same time my friend was and rushing) andd discovered this like... deep rot inside it

i could have continued to remember it fondly but now it’s just like... reaching the last bite of cake and being told it was made with maggots like... well i already ate it all...

there’s no point reading clear card or the unfinished tsubasa/xxxholic sequels because they’ve already ruined themselves like they can’t fix it

kurogane and fai still won’t be allowed to be together. watanuki still outlived everyone who ever loved him for a mother figure that can never come back. cardcaptor wrote off the fourth grader engaged to hre teacher but like... sakura’s dad is still a preadator

like... what do i do with these left over feelings then?

i’ll be over it in a dya but like for tonight i really do feel unwell

okay thank you i got it out in one post i am processing the feelings

i am gonna cry about watanuki being alone tho

[tonystarkbingo]

TSB MIV Week 18 Roundup!

Go lavish some love on our wonderful creators!

Title: Better Than McDonalds Collaborator: 27dragons Card Number: 4027 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S3 - Janet Van Dyne Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Alternate Universe - College/University, Past Abuse, friends helping friends, correcting dickish behavior Summary: For this prompt from the Winteriron Winter Stockings event: Bucky comes out from an abusive relationship. Tony is different, very different. But then, he also forgets dates, makes rash decisions and talks over Bucky. That’s okay. Tony, when he finds out, doesn’t think so and tries to change it. It’s slow going. But he will do everything to get Bucky to smile that smile more often! Word Count: 1210

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Title: The Physics of Snowball Fights Collaborator: newnewyorker93 Card Number: 4042 Link: AO3 Square Filled: R5 - nerf/water gun war Ship: IronHusbands Rating: Gen Major Tags: Fluff and Humor, MIT Era, Snow Day, Snowball Fight, Kissing in the Snow Summary: Tony and Rhodey engage in some snow day shenanigans. For science. Word Count: 985

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Title: Febuwhump Day 7: Poisoning | Tony & Morgan Collaborator: startrekkingaroundasgard Card Number: 4048 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: K1 - Iron Dad Ship: Tony & Morgan Rating: Teen Major Tags: poisoning Summary: As they’re working in the lab together, Morgan comes over suddenly unwell. Tony realises she has been poisoned.  Word Count: 622

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Title: Hel–loki–tty Collaborator: deehellcat Card Number: 4028 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S3 - Asgard Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: cross stitch Summary: Cross stitched Hello Kitty Loki, with the glowstick of destiny at hand and helmet (adapted for ears!) firmly in place

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Title: I Just Need You Collaborator: JehBeeEh Card Number: 4058 Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - A Battle/Fight/Confrontation Ship: Stony Rating: Teen Major Tags: Breaking up and Making up Summary: Tony did the right thing. He really and truly believes he did the right thing. Steve deserved better. Even if it makes them both miserable. Word Count: 2508

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Title: Captain America Shield Sachet Collaborator: newnewyorker93 Card Number: 4042 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: adopted square - vibranium Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: craft Summary: Captain America’s shield, made out of felt and filled with rice & a vanilla scent.

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Title: On the Edge of Glory Collaborator: deehellcat Card Number: 4028 Link: AO3 Square Filled: A4 - kink: edging/orgasm denial Ship: Pepperony Rating: Explicit Major Tags: Role-Play, Bondage, Tentacles, Consensual Non-Consent, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Kinky Tech, Desperation Play, Suspension, Gags, Predicament Bondage, Edging, Begging, Tie and Tease, much fluffier than you might expect, Couples, Loving Smut, Top Tony Stark, Bottom Pepper Potts, (at least for this playtime hehe), Enthusiastic Consentacles, (appearances notwithstanding) Summary: A stealthy intruder gets caught up in a reclusive genius’ kinky security system and is left hanging. Literally. Word Count: 4381

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Title: itchy fingers Collaborator: feignedsobriquet Card Number: 4039 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S1 - Enemies and Lovers Ship: WinterIron Rating: Gen Major Tags: art Summary: art of hands

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Title: Authenticity Collaborator: deehellcat Card Number: 4028 Link: AO3 Square Filled: R1 - mission sex Ship: Tony/unspecified partner Rating: Teen Major Tags: AU—spies, who’s the other party? Choose Your Own Ship, Mission Sex, Simulated Sex, Fake Dating, Inappropriate Arousal, Dialogue Only, SHIELD Agent Tony Stark Summary: Two agents reluctantly paired for a joint mission discover they are being surveilled, and decide to put on a show to maintain their cover…but is it just a show, or will true feelings be revealed? Word Count: 800

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Title: ThunderIron Love Languages Collaborator: startrekkingaroundasgard Card Number: 4048 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: T4 - Thor Ship: ThunderIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: love languages, gifset Summary: Gif set showing the different love languages of Tony and Thor

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Title: The Wilds of New Atacama Collaborator: 27dragons Card Number: 4027 Link: AO3 Square Filled: T5 - AU: Dragon Rider Ship: none Rating: Gen Major Tags: Crack, you have been warned, AU: Science Fiction, AU: Dragon Rider, this ain’t no pern Summary: Tony stood up in the saddle to let his gaze slide over the fluffy backs of the herd, counting idly. All present and accounted for, he settled back into his seat and patted JARVIS’ neck. JARVIS rumbled at him affectionately, and Tony made a mental note to round up an extra treat or two, when they made it back to camp. Word Count: 636

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Title: untitled Collaborator: startrekkingaroundasgard Card Number: 4048 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S3 - Scott Lang Ship: Tony & Scott Rating: Gen Major Tags: moodboard Summary: Tony and Scott are forced to work together and neither is happy about it.

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Title: Challenging the Status Quo Collaborator: Politzania Card Number: 4007 Link: AO3 Square Filled: S4 - Sanctum Sanctorum Ship: Gen Rating: IronStrange Major Tags: Established Relationship, the Sanctum is Sentient Summary: Stephen brings Tony to the Sanctum for the first time. Word Count: 692

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Title: what i know about you (would fill a thousand books) Collaborator: iam93percentstardust Card Number: 4012 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: S4 - Sharon Carter Ship: Carter-Stark Cousins, Stony, Natsharon Rating: Gen Major Tags: Established Relationship, Past Abuse, Insomnia Summary: Here is what Tony knows about Sharon: she tells people she likes blueberry muffins because she thinks it makes her sound grown up, but she prefers chocolate donuts. She likes wildflowers and lilies and violets, but Queen Anne’s lace best of all and that’s what Natasha had brought her for their third date that had tipped her from liking this red-headed spy into loving her. On bad days, she curls up on the couch with the softest blanket she owns and watches old cartoons. Here is what Sharon knows about Tony: he used to love carrot cake but hasn’t touched it since the day his parents died while he and Sharon were out at dinner. He insists on always having her burner phone’s number when she’s a mission because the one time Fury told him he couldn’t have it, Sharon ended up with three broken ribs. He hates roses because they were what Tiberius always gave him after he did something like cheating on Tony or hitting him or mocking him in front of the press (Steve gives him blue poppies the same shade as the arc reactor and Sharon loves him for that). Word Count: 2284

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Title: DUM-E's Drawings - Chapter 14: TON-E be my Valentine? Collaborator: LBibliophile Card Number: 4090 Link: Tumblr Square Filled: A1 - use of symbolism Ship: Tony & DUM-E Rating: Gen Major Tags: Bot feels, Valentine’s card, arc reactor Summary: Dum-e knows that hearts are a key theme of Valentine’s day design, so that’s what he draws. But right.

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Title: Safety Reset Collaborator: 27dragons Card Number: 4027 Link: AO3 Square Filled: K3 - Psychological Torture Ship: WinterIron Rating: Teen Major Tags: Established Relationship, post-battle angst, Insomnia, Guilt, Snuggles Summary: Bucky and Tony have both been fighting their brains a little too long. It’s time for a reset. Word Count: 834

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Title: Purr In Your Pocket Collaborator: rebelmeg Card Number: 4034 Link: AO3 Square Filled: R5 - Image of Silver Fox Tony Ship: Pepperony Rating: Gen Major Tags: pets, Tony collects cats, Pepper is exasperated and very fond, Tony's happy retirement Summary: Tony has attempted to smuggle another forbidden item into his menagerie. Pepper is not fooled, but darn it if her husband isn't really cute when he's doing something he shouldn't. Word Count: 1310

#tonystarkbingomarkiv #tsbmiv #tsb miv weekly roundup #tsb miv week 18

[doof-doofblog]

"Right!"

Friday 11th December 2020

Hello again everyone! Hope you've all had a good weekend. I apologise this post is late, I feel over the weekend the news about Barbara Windsor's death got me more than I had expected and I just didn't feel up to writing anything, also working 2 jobs as well can get in the way of writing this blog. But I'm now going to focus on getting this blog up to date. Hopefully come Thursday this week, I will all up to date with the blog and EastEnders. Thank you all for your on-going support and patience.

So let's jump into the episode - oh my it was another jam packed one wasn't it! Firstly, I just want mention Bobby and what such a brilliant actor Clay Milner Russell is! The beginning of the episode I found really intriguing. Bobby stood in the police station, waiting to be questioned, he is absolutely convinced that he's to blame for his Father's attack. At first you seem to think it really was him - he confesses by basically saying that it's his fault that his Dad got attacked. However as Jack continues to question him, it becomes aware that Bobby truly isn't the one to blame for the attack on his Dad. I don't know whether it has something to do with his mental health or OCD or religion, but he truly believes that because he didn't count the correct amount of numbers, he's to blame for his Dad's attack. I can't applaud Clay Milner Russell enough, having to come into a new role (even though he's been in the soap for a while now) without having any previous acting jobs, and to have been given such a gripping storyline - it's pretty impressive I have to say! I think it's easy to say that Bobby can be cleared a suspect, as it's come to clear to us a viewers and to Jack, being a police officer, Bobby is mentally unwell and maybe needs to be assessed, why does he think he's to blame? Just because he's gotten into a ritual of counting and he firmly believes that if he counts to a certain number, everything will be okay. It must be his OCD making him believe it? I hope he'll eventually get the help he needs as it's quite clear he needs it.

The second thing I want to mention is Rainie!! She's finally returned to the Square after disappearing for about 48 hours (or maybe more)! Her poor husband has been going out his mind with worry, leaving her countless phone calls and text messages, you can understand his relief when he's finally reunited with her. However it's not long before a police officer approaches them and inform them they're needed at the station for questioning. Firstly, Rainie appears to have no idea what has happened on the Square in her absence, she appears to be shocked after hearing the news about Ian. Only the interesting thing is, later on in the episode, she's on her own walking to the Cafe, when Callum spots her and hurries to have a word with her. When they're sat together and Callum is asking her all sorts of questions, it becomes clear that she's knows more than what she's letting on. She informs her Brother-In-Law that she told the police that during the night Ian was attacked, she was in fact at home with her husband watching Deal Or No Deal - (Is that even still on TV?!). But when Callum asks her further questions she responds with "No Comment!" - as if she doesn't want to give out any more information, or maybe to hide the fact that she does know something? Later on in the episode, Rainie appears to have cleaned herself up and had a wash as Stuart returns home from the police station. Rainie starts to beg forgiveness from her husband after leaving him in the lurch the way she did, and also not responding to his messages, I think we can all tell that she simply hasn't been with her Mum's - had she been sleeping rough? Or maybe gone to a hostel of some kind? Her face is in complete worry and concern as she panics her husband might've thrown her under the bus. Stuart softly questions her statement to the police, about them being home together, she nods tearfully. He then drops the bomb that he in fact gave the police the exact same statement - he was at home with his wife watching Deal Or No Deal! They both jump for joy in unison as they believe that they're alibi's are clear and that they've helped each other.

This episode seems to be all about alibi's doesn't it? Another person who's fretting about their alibi is Max. After pleading Linda to tell the police that they were together on the night in question, he seems to be having second thoughts? He visits her at the laundrette and she informs him that she told Jack that Max with with her. However, Max reveals the one thing that we didn't know earlier, that they didn't spend the whole night together, just part of it. So in all fairness, what did he do for the rest of the night? Where did go? Who did he see? As much as he seems grateful to Linda for giving him the alibi, later he informs his brother Jack, not to listen to a word she has said. It's quite interesting that he's chosen not to accept her alibi, as Jack states, the whole entire Square will be pointing at him and questioning him! Max admits that he can live with being looked at and gossiped about. Part of me is thinking is he doing this for Linda?! Is he doing it for her sake as he doesn't want to be the reason for her and Mick to call an end to their marriage?! It is an interesting one - why would Max not snatch up the alibi whilst he can? Or is he really a proud man and is certain that he has nothing to hide - so why would he need one? I don't know, I am simply guessing at this point. I'm just simply giving out my thoughts on what Max could be thinking.

Meanwhile, whilst all this is going on in the Square, sweet Honey has come up with an idea to hold a community Christmas dinner for those who have very little on Christmas Day. After what happened with her son, Will, shoplifting for his poor friend, she feels that maybe this should be the time when everyone rallies round together and help the community. She pulls in Jay and Isaac to help and even Billy agrees to help by asking Max if they could use the restaurant as a venue. I think this is a lovely idea and it seems only perfect for Honey to be the one behind it, as Jay explains she can cook and she seems to be the only one who cares. If this community Christmas Dinner takes place, it'll be very interesting to see on Christmas Day, that's for sure. Either way I'm looking forward to seeing it come together and have Honey be right in the centre of it, as she well deserves to be after what she's recently been through! Could this Christmas Dinner in fact be the start of her blossoming romance with Jay? (Yes! I'm still convinced it's going to happen - sooner or later!)

Looks like there are still people who are still needing an alibi, specifically Tina and Ben. Even though Tina admitted to hitting Ian, the main thing is is that their encounter happened at the Beale household and not the Vic. After being questioned, it was revealed that Tina went straight home after her punch up with Ian and the only person who will be able to vouch for her for would be a pizza delivery boy who delivered pizza to the wrong house. Since then, Tina has been trying to track down the pizza boy but to no avail. She spots Jack on the Square and asks him about Ian's condition, which we then find out is that he survived his operation, much to her relief. However it's then that Jack states that Ian isn't out of the woods yet, plus the main fact is, if Tina can't find the pizza boy for give her the alibi she so desperately needs, she will remain a suspect. Whereas Ben's story hasn't been mentioned yet - as far as we're concerned, no one knows when Ben was when Ian got attacked, the only thing that's known for sure, is that Ben did leave the pub that night - but did anyone see him? Will anyone really be able to give him an alibi? Callum perhaps? If it comes to it that Ben doesn't have an alibi, will Callum fight for his boyfriend and possibly give him a false one? Who knows? Things still yet remain to be seen when it comes to Ben, what do you think?!

Does anyone else think Sharon is acting very shifty?! Since agreeing to marry Ian, I am so convinced that she has something to do with Ian's attack - or maybe she knows more than what she's letting on. the thing that really stood out for me was when she and Kathy were talking to Ian just before he was due to go in for surgery. She happened to mention something along the lines of "I'm waiting for my wedding ring!" - what a thing to say just as someone is about to go into theatre! The thing that pops into my head as soon as she says that, is that as soon as she gets the ring on her finger, she'll basically own half of what Ian has - I'm guessing. I am still SO convinced that she's learned the truth about Ian's involvement in Dennis's death, that she is definitely out for revenge. If killing him hadn't worked, she will go to the next best thing and take him for everything that he's got! Even later on the in episode, Kathy questions whether Sharon will have their marriage annulled, as everyone knows she doesn't love him the way he loves her. However, interestingly, Sharon admits to Kathy that after seeing Ian pleading to her to marry him, she explains that it's become clear how much they need each other, and especially him during this tough time he's having. For her it's not a case of she won't annul the marriage, but she can't. In all seriousness - what's the difference?! Or am I just missing something? Don't you guys agree though? Why on Earth would she marry her best friend after just a few weeks prior to rejecting him?! She must be out for revenge or something?!

Right so, the Panesar's are also looking shifty! On the Square, it looks as if a van has some interesting with regards to Ian's attack. Kheerat is walking along the street as he watches with great suspense at the police investigating the vehicle. However it's only later on when Jack visits the shop to question both Suki and Kheerat about their whereabouts on the night in question, Suki reveals that she was at Ruby's club. Which, I guess is try - as we saw she was sat at the bar, but how long was she there for? Could she and Kheerat have cooked up the plan to attack Ian together?! However, when Jack takes an interest in Kheerat's whereabouts, Kheerat reveals that he wasn't even on the Square at the time of the attack and just happened to be out of time in a meeting. But then, to his surprise, Jack questions the vehicle in which he drove to the business meeting and whether there was some kind of accident. He then drops the bombshell that the van has been taken for testing as there had traces of blood found on the vehicle. Instantly you can see Suki and Kheerat have a panicked look in their faces, as Jack leaves the scene, Suki seems to lay into her son about being careful, however Kheerat informs his Mother not worry as he will sort it. Later on in the episode, we see a hooded figure enter some type of building after entering it in some kind of alley way. As Kheerat enters his office we see a hooded figure sat in a chair waiting for him, he mentions to the unknown figure that the police are sniffing round and asking them dodgy questions. Suddenly the figure removes his hood and we see that it's actually Peter!!! He asks why the police would go the Minute Mart, but as their conversation continues it looks as if Peter and Kheerat are more involved together as they are in the attack than we first believed. They agree to give each other alibis!

So what the heck does this mean?! The only thing I can think of is that both Peter and Kheerat had it out for Ian and they both went to the Vic for the same reason, but maybe things got out of hand and one witnessed the other attacking Ian? I'm unsure. I don't think they would've planned anything together, I do think they crossed paths purely by accident and because of their mistakes of getting caught, they basically have no choice but to give each other an alibi. So - who do I think attacked Ian?! Sharon, Peter and Max are on the top of my list. However I could be wrong, as we still yet to hear/see Ben's encounter of the evening. My opinion could change over the coming episodes, I do not however, think it was either Bobby or Tina - I feel I can positively rule them out! I'm feeling a little unsure when it comes to Stuart and Rainie, I'd like to think it's not either of them, but like I said - who knows? My views could change.

Do you guys have any thoughts or theories as to who could be Ian's attacker?! I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions! Please feel free to leave me a comment or message I'll always find the time to respond. Enjoy the rest of your evening folks and I'll be back again tomorrow evening! Love you all xXx

#eastenders #bobbybeale #ianbeale #peterbeale #kathybeale #sharonbeale #kheerat panesar #suki panesar #maxbranning #jackbranning #tinacarter #benmitchell #stuarthighway #callumhighway #ballum #rainiecross #rainie highway #honeymitchell #jaybrown #billymitchell #lindacarter

[foreverflawedd]

I’m unwell, thanks for asking.

Maybe you forgot to ask about my day.

Or the headache I’ve complained of for the past week and a half.

Or you forgot to ask why I’ve been crying so much lately.

I’m not a normal person, I tried to tell you that from the start. Borderline Personality Disorder is a complicated thing to live with, not just for me but for everyone I bring into my life. I need you to involve yourself into my life, I need you to feel my emotions and hear my words. I’ll make you my favourite person, and the moment I think you’re losing interest in me, I’ll ruin our life together. I need you to always ask me things. And when I ask you things, I need a good answer.

Constant reassurance.

Patience.

Love.

Respect.

My head is a disaster, I can’t even begin to explain what goes on in there all day. I try to organize my life, but then I want to tear it apart. Borderline means I’m constantly walking the line between barely sane, and a complete and total train wreck. And I don’t mean just getting drunk and cutting my hair. I mean burning all my favourite clothes because I think I don’t look pretty in them anymore. Smashing out my ex’s mirrors on his car because he made me angry. Making completely irrational decisions on the spot is what I do best when I’m in a melt down.

I also create these delusions in my head that I will fully believe, just to avoid getting hurt when I’m not in a melt down state. I will think we had a conversation about you cancelling plans we had, just so I can save myself from being in a social situation where you will probably leave me to talk to people you know, and I won’t know anyone.

When I get really stressed, I hallucinate. I will see things and hear things that aren’t there. Sometimes they’re scary, sometimes they’re not.

If you get involved with someone who has BPD- or any mental illness for that matter- make sure you do your research. They need you a whole lot more than you need them.

#bpd tag #bpd sucks #borderline personality problems #bpd relationships #love #help us