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private-thoughts-express · 2 years

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Majority is a rant but if u want to use this in an english class to teach kids about reading between the lines then be my guest

I love publishing my shit on the internet. i have a tiktok where i mostly talk about my ex or my dad. i also post little cutesy videos and i like doing the trends. but i do overshare sometimes. i used to have a finsta where i would write essays and post sad pictures of me and i would literally post every one of my lowest moments. like thats so crazy. and i only had 5 (2 were the same person) followers and only one person ever consistently commented. so very few were aware. i have had countless anonymous accounts on every random platform where i vented or bitched or cried. its absolutely cray if u really think about it. and now i have this tumblr. i will probably abandon it in a month or 4 because thats what i do. i set these large goals for myself that i cant complete. but i still keep trying. so i regressed to 2012 tumblr self. so now that im here im thinking why do i, or anybody for that matter, have this incessant need to post about every tragic depressing thing that happens to us online?

ps. Listen to that while u read the rest of this so we can listen to the same thing while reading it. it is my favorite song to walk home to or cook to or close my eyes to. so u deserve to listen to it. do a nice thing for urself and hit play. its not even what i typically like so when i first heard it i was surprised about how great a new music genre could be and it just scratches the best itch in ur brain

i don't care if its the people i know that see it. i actually dont prefer it but theres a select few that i dont care if they do see. but thats besides the point. Theres many people, myself included, that dont feel certain of their emotions. i never know how im feeling or if im being overdramatic. I also dont know how to muster up the courage to share the worst of my thoughts with some people. i also hold my tongue a lot. l just dont want to upset anyone or be honest. i hate being honest sometimes. emotionally honest. its so hard and lame. so where am i going with this? well if i remember correctly im going here:

There Is Major Satisfaction in Hitting Post

I feel that publicizing my feelings and putting them out there in the internet abyss cements them into the world. my mom always did say that once you put something on the internet its forever. and i said bet that works in my favor because ! my feelings will exist forever and i can look back at them scattered all over different platforms with a shit ton of emails and separate personas and i can be like yes ! i felt that. that was real and i didn't make it up. people may see it and be like cool whatever but that still spreads my feelings and now its not just me that knows. even if it was for a moment it was known by me and a stranger and we both acknowledge that there was a point in time that i felt that way. [continued...]

PS. listen to this for the rest of this:

[continued...] i feel so disconnected from my last thoughts but im going to return to them now. ill start here:

i dont often feel seen. even with my closest friends i dont feel all the way there. i dont feel authentic all the time. i think it has a lot to do with my aversion to vulnerability and sharing your feelings. i know i already said it but i want to say it again because my friends are wonderful. they are beautiful and kind and smart and strong. i love my wonderful friends and they mean the world to me. sorry i just had to put that in there. (now im listening to savior complex) but yea. i just feel like i cant relax and breathe. i feel stiff. i feel so aware of me and my presence and how i look and move and react. i mean if were being honest i think im describing some one with some undiagnosed something but thats besides the point. the Point ! is that i find so much comfort in sharing my most private intimate thoughts online because so much satisfaction comes from knowing its potentially out there forever. because nothing is really forever but for as long as the internet is around this can potentially be around. i dont need to have kids to carry out my legacy because my internet footprint will do it for me. im pre planning in the most minimal way. i dont have to write a book or create a shit ton of movies or win a prize because i can post something completely raw and forget about it. Its really cool if you think about it. u will live forever in some capacity. this took a weird turn ! and i think this is where we cut it short but it has been a pleasure.

if any of this made sense i will give myself a pat on the back.

this made me feel very carrie bradshaw x nyt

#emotions #music reccs #new music #just ranting #rant post #feelings #internet #very cool #Spotify

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fatphobiabusters · 3 years

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hello! i have a toddler, and her dads side of the family are all bigger, and so is she. shes 2 but can pass as 5, and Im not in contact with the dad so i cant ask him, but I was wondering if you had any resources for kids of any ages and how to support if/when she gets grief about her body from society? i already know that u shouldn't talk abt weight in front of kids, and i dont restrict things like chocolate. ive always been on the thin side but i did struggle with anorexia for a few years, which i was able to overcome when i had to eat while pregnant for her. i just want to make sure that she grows up knowing shes beautiful, u know? i constantly get comments already about how shes big for her age, i usually reply to those people something along the lines of yeah shes super strong too (she moved a chair while i was in it once!) but im wondering if theres something better i can say? even if shes 2, shes listening, and i dont want her internalizing that she like has to be strong for her body to be okay. theres just a lot of stuff that i dont know, that i want to know, to be there for her the best i can. thank u!

I'm so happy to hear you are thinking about this already! You are doing some good ground work, and I'm pleased to say there are already listicales about raising body positive kids. Does my soul good. Some places to start:

https://www.nwpc.com/teach-kids-body-positivity/

https://www.mother.ly/child/how-to-raise-kids-with-a-positive-body-image

https://more-love.org/2019/03/05/how-to-raise-a-body-positive-kid/

A podcast:

https://www.fullbloomproject.com/podcast

And to help teach media literacy:

https://www.commonsensemedia.org/news-and-media-literacy/how-do-i-start-teaching-media-literacy-to-my-preschooler

Also it's important to check in with your kid, throughout the years as they experience things related to body image, often we think as adults that something will be experienced a certain way by children when it can be the opposite. Kids are funny that way. I also want to point out (because I didn't see it but I could have missed it) that if you watch media with your child make a point of saying a fat character is cool or brave or what have you, older media won't be good for this (I cringed thinking about The Goonies) but for instance in the Pokémon xy season, Teirno is a fat boy that loves to dance and you could say "I wish I had moves like him".

Mario is fat and is the hero of his game series, comes to mind as well. Even if she doesn't realize it you'll be teaching her to respect bigger bodies that aren't hers. Because everyone is unique and I'm sure as adults we know some weird cognitive disconnects start young.

Kids might also be accidentally rude or cruel as well, so back to that check in with your daughter thing. I was in college when a 7 or so year old asked me why I was so big/fat. I said "this is the way I am, people are all different, isn't that cool". If I was 7 and another kid said that to me it'd have been a toss up between "that's a weird question" and total mental keysmash. Kids are all so unique.

It is mentioned in the links but to your concern about praising strength, a great way to get around that concern is to mix it up. Non physical traits, especially, are great to praise, children have more control over their actions vs their rapidly changing bodies. For instance you can emphasize kindness and helpfulness. It's really dependent on the situation, but a rotation of complements can foster a more rounded sense of self. It sounds like she's your only child but it's good to encourage kids in a gender neutral way. Our culture praises boys differently from girls. So don't be afraid to praise bravery, cleverness, adventurous thinking ectra along side emotional responsiveness, generosity, helpfulness ectra.

Something I didn't see mentioned but want to bring up from personal experience is, your daughter might struggle with wanting to mature and wanting to be a kid at the same time. To some degree all kids do but often bigger kids are shopping in the adult clothing section earlier than their peers, I remember being embarrassed about it, so down the road if you notice her needing the adult clothes, maybe have a talk about how she's still a kid and she can still be a kid, clothes are just clothes, and now a days with torrid you can find stuff with pop culture characters on it. (Back in my day it was very much a shift from cute fun patterns and colors to muted or jewel tones). The adult nostalgia boom is probably going to be great for kids like me who had to age up in clothing earlier. Off this, one more personal story but my mom was shorter and an apple shape, I was a pear and taller than her since I was maybe 14-16, she didn't know how to help me dress. So down the line don't be afraid of googling up how to best dress your daughters shape. I spent most of high school in jeans too tight on my thighs with shirts a size too big. Big oof.

I don't know how to finish this off just, thank you so much for caring and I hope both of you have many years of self love ahead.

#Creatures that wont die #Ask #Mod squirrel #Children #body postivity

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shemetan · 4 years

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rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).*

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”.

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

#aftg #aftg headcanon #NF #akathemusicgod #rapper!neil #rapper!andrew #hcs #rapper au #rapper hc #andreil

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wizisbored · 3 years

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What are some of your favorite lines you've written for your fics? (Also I'm sorry things aren't going well right now. Sending love 💜)

right its time to go diggin im using this as an excuse to reread everything because i cant think of any lines off the top of my head even though i know theres a shitton

premptively putting a cut here because this will probably end up long as shit and you know what fuck yea to that because fuck yea to being proud of what youve made

hallelujah, first thing i posted:

If those bastards want to make her part of their shitty musical, then she’s going to make it difficult. Or at least inconvenient.

The hive is not inconvenienced in the slightest.’

- idk if this is as funny as i think it is but i find it funny

"Nobody dies with dignity, Emma. There's no honour in the thing, however you dress it up."

- wrote that to sound creepy and now i cant decide whether i actually think its true

But he’s holding her like she’s his salvation, as if it’s his life hanging in the balance.

- salvation is just a good word tbh

It’s hopeless, but she refuses to be killed by a game of fucking ‘got your nose’.

purgatory, intended to be a shitpost but now i unironically think of it as the best thing ive ever written

After a few years (or maybe seconds, it’s not clear) / it takes a moment (or maybe it doesn’t, who knows?) / An undocumentable amount of time passes. / They might have slipped into an uneasy silence lasting millenia - or milliseconds - if it wasn’t for the jolly tune that suddenly fills the air. / for minutes or years or millenia or maybe even eons / After a brief, indescribably long nap / But the incomprehensible amount of time seems somehow shorter this time.

- 2 in one of fucking with the concept of time and hinting at an unreliable narrator, hell yea. its about the weird atmosphere, baybeeeee

“Does one day of trying the hardest we could outweigh years of not trying at all?” Emma wonders aloud. Paul squeezes her hand.

“I damn hope so.”

He doesn’t ask if she believes in Hell.

- even without context i like this line but in context it really helped set the sombre tone so i could do a full 180 at the end of the chapter

Emma wonders whether they’ve been sent to musical hell for failing to stop the musical apocalypse

- love the implication that there is a hell dedicated to annoying people via musical theatre

“You said- you told her you’d never be in a musical?”

“Yes.”

“And then you died performing a musical number?”

“I- yeah, I did.”

“Brilliant! Now, that is stupid!”

- probably my best characterisation of death, sounds like something that would be said in a stupid deaths bit, i can hear it in his voice

teachers pet

“It’s only blatant if people know about it. So in actual fact this is secret favouritism.”

- hidgens gives absolutely 0 shits about the ethics of the situation good for him

“And if that is kidnapping, well, consider yourself kidnapped.”

- once again ethics simply do not matter

“Oh, where is your sense of adventure? Are you not curious about the results of washing baked beans?”

- this line hants me when im trying to make stew or just have some fucking beans on toast because I am curious about the results of washing baked beans

“Well, if it isn’t, and we both die, then I’ll be quite disappointed. We did spend all evening on this, after all.”

- priorities

finishing what we started, actually originally a scrapped ending idea for igtlt that i liked too much to abandon entirely

“How many bullets?” He eventually asks.

“Enough.”

- they just know what theyve got to do

Only thing left to say is a big ol’ fuck you to… God, everyone else in the fucking world. Oh, and God. Fuck you God, you prick.

- gotta love them tto refs

wildfire, almost 20,000 words of angst that im going to read through because fuck it why not

She doesn't understand the order, at least not yet; a dog doesn't understand the first time she's called to heel. But that can change. Though, from the bared teeth of this dog, the trader guesses it may take a while.

- this is actually something i really like doing in narration, calling a character something in dialogue or comparison and then directly calling them it in the narration

He understands; she doesn't want to show weakness to someone who could exploit her, doesn't want to show gratitude to someone she hates. But the tribeswoman is tired and scared and hurt, and it's obvious. She's broken, at least for today.

The loneliness, however, refuses to wane. It settles in her chest like a physical need, a craving for closeness.

- got inspiration for this description by thinking about hugging my partner while i was stuck in lockdown

"You can say that again," the older woman mutters, shaking her head. "God-fuckin'-damnit, Lauren, why d'you never think about the implications?"

Jemilla turns to her with a questioning look. "Who's Lauren?"

"She-" Molag begins to explain, then pauses. She thinks for a moment, then shakes her head. "I don't even know."

- crossover jokes hell yea

He’s tolerable, she’s decided, at least relatively so, but not trustworthy. If she could truly trust him then he wouldn’t be involved in all this. If she could trust him, she wouldn’t know him.

The thinly-veiled threat in his grin

She stares up at the man, shaking, whimpering, pleading. Wordlessly begging for him to stop.

- gotta love reaching the breaking point

She probably looks insane, bruised and bloody and laughing quietly to herself in a cage. She doesn’t care. They can think she’s insane, just as long as they don’t think they broke her.

laughing as they rediscover half-forgotten days spent as children let loose in a world that seemed so huge and yet so small at the same time

“You know, kids like Zazzalil - scrawny little things born as Autumn died - they’re not supposed to see Spring.”

- i will see any character without a detailed fleshed-out backstory and say ‘is anyone going to make headcannons about that’ and then not wait for an answer

Maybe the pain will shock her out of her head.

im going to live twice

It feels more like a bag of broken crockery than a human.

- this was the only time ive ever had to describe something really gory and decided to make it as uncomfy as possible

she notices with a concerning level of non-concern

Paul Matthews is gone, boy. And if I catch you using a dead man’s name again, well.

- its about the ✨forced disconnect✨

It stares at him, and for a moment he sees the young man that Benny used to be, silently pleading for the agent to tell him he'll be okay.

"In my defence, that was the Colonel's idea.” The man raises his hands in surrender. “I wanted to call you Lauren. I was outvoted.”

- i will take literally any chance to make a 4th wall joke and that is a threat

“I’ll see what can be done,” he assures it, knowing full well that nothing will be.

- xander doesnt flat out abuse emma in the way mcnamara and shaffer do but hes still cruel in subtler ways

“No chance of being hurt?”

Xander nods. “No chance of you being hurt.”

- ✨foreshadowing ✨

If only he was free, free to just get up and go find Blue and tell her - actually tell her, out loud, with words - that she’s going to be okay. If only he could say that and have it be the truth.

She holds onto that piano. Right now, as she kneels crying into the tabletop, it's all she has.

- ‘sir thats my emotional support near-complete stranger’

smoke and feathers

Irony can be a cruel, twisted bitch.

- probably the best opener ive written

There’s a sort of pathetic irony in the fact that she slipped on a stone while wading across a shallow stream and broke her neck.

The stars move across the sky, and she still doesn’t know why.

- sounds poetic and all while also being a fuck you to the chorn twist because i hate it

It seems like every time she looks away the moon goes from waxing to waning and back again, time marching onwards in one unending night, swallowing one unending forest.

Even with her limited view of the person’s face, Zazzalil can see the softness in their expression. She’s hit with a pang of longing for Jemilla.

They share those tender looks that make Zazzalil long for home.

The kind of silence only shared between people who can appreciate the simplicity of each other’s presence

aaand thats pretty much all of em. i know when you said ‘some’ you probably meant less than this but i will give a consice answer to a question when pigs fly. i was going to do the double e au too but its past 1 am now and im going to bed. thanks for this ask because whether intentionally or not you just made me read 48,860 words of fic and thats a damn good distraction when things are getting a bit shitty :)

#igtlt fic #wildfire fic #teachers pet fic #sf fic

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tfw-no-tennis · 4 years

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hxh movie....2!

ruth and i watched the second hxh movie and that certainly was a movie

the title is already cracking me up lmao ‘the last mission’ THATS SO DRAMATIC.

the first like 3 scenes feel totally disconnected like theyre from different movies vnjskdfnsdkflk

‘many decades ago’ vbhjdsfbajsdf that phrasing is hilarious somehow

damn young netero just killed jeb bush

ah look its our movie villains, starting their villain stuff

so i guess this is set around where we are in the series now - like, somewhere in this beginning part of the chimera ant arc where gon and killua are hanging w/kite. which is kinda funny bc they dont explain AT ALL how and why gon and killua are in this city suddenly hvbajdsfjskdjan

killua skateboarding makes me smile :’) love it

IS THAT ZUSHI??????? AHHHHHHH MY BOY!!!!!!!!!! BABY BOY!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT HIMMMM HES A LIL BUFF 7 YR OLD NOW OUGHHHH HES GROWN SO MUCH...POWERFUL BABY....IM SO PROUD

omg wing and bisky are here too!!! nen fam

im so proud of zushi being a floor master omg....i love how the side characters progress and grow offscreen, separate of the protags, kinda like seeing pokkle again (rip tho, i think)

LEORIOOOOO MY MAN!!!!!!! he really showed up for like 3 seconds then gets KOd and dumped in a sewer....STOP DOING MY MAN SO DIRTY GIVE HIM SCREENTIME..

ohhh so we’re doing anime die hard. kinda like the first macadamia movie

that lady rlly just stabbed herself huh.

these antags look like theyre from naruto. main antag dude looks like about 7 different anime guys fused

oh man netero got dunked on immediately Ls. gotta take him out so the protags can do the fighting

gon and killua are so good. and also in love. epic 12 yr old romance

KURAPIKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lookin sharp in a suit. also just looking depressed as hell in general. KURAPIKA ARE YOU...GOOD....ARE YOU STAYING HYDRATED??? TAKING UR VITAMINS?? I DONT THINK YOU ARE.

also i still cant believe kp is working for neon still...it rlly feels like they just gave up on life and just figured that staying there was fine or w/e

now the 3 protags are goin full die hard thru the tower...WHERE is leorio i cant believe they rlly threw my mans in a sewer like that smh

these guys r rlly called ‘the shadow’ thats so edgy

also i watched this like a few hours ago but im a dumb bitch so im reading thru the wiki article for the movie to remind me what happened, and apparently The Shadow(tm) was the black ops division of the hunter association, and they were later rekkt once they started w/the On...i so didnt get that while actually watching the movie vhdakjfhbskdfn thanks hunterpedia for explaining that one to me

wooowww so the HA rlly just committed massive, morally reprehensible war crimes and then just sealed it all in a book or st and moved on. yikes id be mad too, generic anime dude villain

so these three rlly just resurrected a dude by going into the desert and saying ‘hey we r emo can you give us some power and maybe anime jeb bush’ and that Worked

now kurapika is fighting the dude in the control room and gon&killua are fighting Big Dude WHO BEAT UP ZUSHI!!!!!!!!! get his ass boys

LEORIOOOOOO MMY MAN IS BACK FROM HIS SEWER ADVENTURE!!!!!!!!! ILY SIRRRRR

and then he immediately gets yoinked by hisoka, who is for some reason in this movie. i feel like they were like oh yeah hisoka is like, the 5th main character/antagonistic force of the story so i guess he should be here. its hilarious tho bc he spends 90% of his already limited screentime in this movie just playing w/his playing cards and smirking. bastard man you just gooo awayyyyy

seeing beans again omggggg green dude u r great

also who the FUCK is that smarmy looking blonde at the HA HQ...i hate him already based on 1) his atrocious pattern-clashing fashion sense, and 2) his smarmy aura. he looks like hes never thought a thought in his life. ruth says he might be buddies w/ging which makes me hate him even more

gon and killua....r dating. ty

when gon and the bad guy start fighting in the elevator shaft and killua just kinda watches hvbajddfhbsjf hes like ‘oh the narrative demands that gon fights solo for a bit so i guess ill stay here’ lmao

but then he saves gon with his physics-heavy electromagnet elevator clamp plan....smart baby

then after they defeat the guy they just start chatting lol i love them

ohhh shit the guy exploded, thats fucked up

poor gon :( more trauma for the poor kid

meanwhile kurapika fights an evil clone of themself. wow

tbh kurapika could totally one-up these guys by being like ‘well ok at least you have each other, im the VERY LAST kurta’

its strange to see kurapika fighting w/the sticks instead of the chains tbh

WHO THREW THAT KNIFE AT THE GUY IT HAS TO BE LEORIO HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

LEORIO AND KURAPIKA REUNION HHHHH THEYYYYY

they are married tyvm

kurapika is soooo not doin well like...please get some rest

kurapika referring to their ‘new friends’ hmmmm thats probably an actual canon reference since this doesnt get brought up again in the movie. probs referring to w/e kp is doing in canon at this point

LEORIO USING NEN LMAOOO hes like pshhhh that was easy but internally hes like owww....sir ily sm

damn kurapika rlly stabbed that guy w/a stick huh. rip dude

ohhh shit its those drug capsule things

KURAPIKA RLLY TOOK A BULLET FOR LEORIO HUH. I HATE IT HEREEEEEE

leorio best dude

wow so kp has to make an On covenant OR DIE...yeah i think theyll choose the die option

squad reunion :’) even tho kp is like, dying

gon is such a good boy :( ily baby

leorio and kurapika are str8 up married ty

final battle timeee

love how at this point in the story gon only has one attack so he has no choice but to keep doing that same attack (well, the 3 variations) over and over til st happens lmao

lmao gon and kurapika are rlly on the opposite ends of the ‘On’ scale here w/kp willing to die rather than accept using On, and gon seeking out On for POWER and also VENGEANCE

the themes of gon’s righteous anger on behalf of others continues...

the boys are rlly getting tossed around a lot this movie geez

hh boy gon is now...PURPLE-BLUE

oooh killua convincing the lady to chill out was cool - tho ngl i didnt realize she was still alive

now netero can go ham. i wonder if he’ll finish the fight or if gon will

uh oh gon is Extra Feral now

gon: IM EVIL NOW

killua: NOT ON MY FUCKING WATCH

oughhh they love each other so much bro. fuck this

gon banging his head on the ground and then killua jumping in between him and the ground....true love bro

gon snapped out of it WITH THE POWER OF LOVE!!!!!!!!!! im emo and gay. thanks

love how even when netero was younger he was still like, an old guy lmao

and then the next day theyre all just back in heavans arena hbvhdahdfbjsakf who cares that the building just got hijacked? whatevs

kurapika smiling a little and melody then smiling knowingly....melody is like Bitch I Know Youre In Love

still kurapika seems like. not Right. pls get some therepy

im glad zushi got to fight that guy like he was supposed to....and w/the nen fam cheering him on :’)

THOUGHTS

its wild how they didnt really delve into the whole ‘war crimes’ thing w/the hunter association lmao. idk if this movie is canon so that might be why....they just brushed over the fact that the HA was like, running concentration camps and murdering entire groups of people. wild

this movie was fun!! it felt more like hxh than the last movie, which v much felt like a generic anime movie. this one felt more in character. it did fall into typical anime movie tropes sometimes but the characters felt more like themselves here, espec w/the point of the story this seems to be set at

like gons anger and all that - while it obvs comes from a place of love and kindness, he can get carried away sometimes...i feel like we’re gonna rlly delve into the negative impact of this in the CA arc and i am both so ready and not ready at all

this movie was hella gay which i appreciate. love the gays

all in all this was fun!! i wish there were more hxh movies lmao i love anime movies. well at least theres the musical LMAOOO im gonna watch that soon

#the watching continues #i havent posted a lot of my other recaps bc theyre p incomplete lmao #im workin on it tho #not that anybody cares lmao. thats ok tho im posting these for my own reference #hxh #lj watches hxh

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maddiviner · 5 years

Photo

I’ve watched other witches shudder at the idea of plastic or even processed metal inside a witch’s circle. It isn’t natural, they say. Some claim that, to truly feel the witch power, you must immerse yourself in “nature” entirely.

You must eschew modern constructs. You can find the most powerful witches sitting beneath a tree in a forest, or meditating on mountaintop. So goes the prevailing wisdom of the 21st century Craft.

To me, such assertions raise more questions than they could ever hope to answer.

What defines “natural” in the context of magick? Why is “nature” and a preference for this “natural” ideal so important to so many of us? Most of us live in cities or suburbs. why do so many witches long for an almost pre-agrarian atmosphere for their magick?

The current is not unbroken. Even those of us who study history for a living can’t hope but comprehend what life was like for our ancestors.

Yet, we still have the concept of a pristine and supremely spiritual Time Before. We long to live unencumbered by modern concerns like taxes and WiFi.

Where did the Time Before originate, though?

We have to admit that it doesn’t originate in the files of historians. What we know about the life of the average person in pre-industrial society paints a grim picture.

If anything, the image of ancient paganism stems from the pastoral aesthetic. It owes more late Romantic period literature than anything earlier. In other words, it is a modern invention disconnected from the very era we see it as portraying.

It is clear that we have a habit of fetishizing mass-produced notions of nature and the past. This is to our detriment. Spirituality must be imminent in our actual environments.

This must include urban landscapes of pavement and steel.

We cannot ignore diffuse suburban sprawl that stretches as far as the eye can see.

We must not discount the deep rhythms of the cities we call home. More writing on the subject of urban witch power, flight, and spirit work would benefit us.

Cities do have spirits.

They exist in symbiosis with citizens, spaces and architecture, the land, water, and sky. In my view, city spirits are akin to the genius loci of the ancient world and the Faery faith.

They also have much in common with the more recent concept of egregores or group minds. You can view them as one or the other, or as an amalgamation of the two. I favor the latter perspective.

The notion of urban spirits is not without a colorful (though oft-ignored) history. The idea is present both in popular culture, and in certain occult traditions.

Christopher Penczak writes of urban spirits in his book, City Magick. He uses the term “deva” here. He ssuggests that these entities follow the pattern seen elsewhere

In this way, Penczak is right in comparing them to the “deva”-entities of theosophy. I have, of course, interacted with this sort of urban spirit.

They’re multifaceted to the point of having separate personalities for different functions. This mirrors what Penczak says about so-called “overlighting” spirits in an urban context. Like Russian nesting dolls, smaller functional spirits partake in the city spirit itself.

As is the case with many spirits, city spirits desire your efforts and attention. You must be willing to learn as much about the city as possible. This includes it’s history, natural geography, and inhabitants. It’s usually best to seek the city spirit through flight first. Then you can enact conjuration.

Of course, you must also make a proper introduction of yourself. Getting to know such a spirit can be a months-long working. In my experience, a witch naturally harmonizes with the city’s spirit.

We become part of the underlying pulse of energy after living there for a few months.

Even then, it’s necessary to signal to the spirit your intent to communicate. A reciprocal relationship must begin. City spirits, like many others, often respond well to offerings.

This can take many forms. It may include gifts (monetary or otherwise) that support the city’s interests. It can include actions like picking up litter and other improvements to the city proper.

The Krakow Working, as I like to call it, was one of the most intense magical experiences of my life so far. I performed it on the Summer Solstice of 2016.

I had relocated to Krakow in May after eloping with a Polish man I’d met on a Tarot forum online. My goal was, of course, contact and a reciprocal relationship with the spirit of the city of Krakow.

Preliminary research eats up a lot of time, but the more you know, the better. I began making small offerings with the intent of benefiting the city and its residents. My flights while in the city were into Byzantine, maze-like and shifting, landscapes.

I came to know the smaller spirits of the city first. There were the water spirits of the Vistula river. There were the egregores of the brooding communist-era apartment buildings.

These all helped to build a bridge that would ultimate lead to a relationship with the city’s spirit itself.

I realized that you can connect with these urban spirits through traditional symbols. Because of my flight experiences in Krakow, I will always consider that city to be female. I also experienced it as Saturnian, and thick with the active energies of Air and Fire.

These ideas are a bit of what you might call “unverifiable personal gnosis,” though. It’s likely that other witches might come to different conclusions. Still, I sought to connect with Krakow on my own terms, and, as spirits often do, she spoke to me in my own language.

I set aside a few hours each week in the month before the solstice for scrying. It was while scrying that first broke through and garnered the city’s attention.

After weeks of planning, at dawn on the Solstice began conjuration. I simplified the methods of the Lesser Key of Solomon as my template. I had received a sigil of the city while scrying, and found that she did indeed respond to it.

I made promises to the spirit of the city, and she made promises in return. That ritual on the Solstice irrevocably altered the way I view cities and spirits. She gave me a more nuanced awareness of my urban surroundings in a spiritual context.

Over that summer, my approach to witchcraft began to change. I stopped seeking some kind of (aesthetic) notion of natural purity in my practice. I began to connect with my environment in full.

I developed a new understanding of my own role in our strange post-industrial society.

To me, a witch’s power stems from connection. The web of Wyrd connects all reality. A witch, though, must be able to discern the connections. A witch’s power alters this web in accordance with their will.

This can be very difficult if you’re seeking a semi-mythic bygone experience. We’re better served by building connections where we stand. We must grow where planted, whether it’s city, suburb, or countryside. We, as witches of the 21st century must be open to these experiences. We must allow interactions with urban spirits. How else can we connect with the city and suburb environments where so many of us live?

This means that a recontextualization of the agrarian witchcraft aesthetic is necessary. There’s no reason to toss the mythic history of magick out the window, of course.

But, we need to admit to ourselves that much of our fascination with the past is just a matter of aesthetics.

We must face the rustic image of witch power as an aesthetic choice, not an innate reality. If we can do that, the door opens to many new and exciting magical possibilities.

Do not neglect where we are in favor of where we once were!

#magick #witchcraft #witch #witchblr #occult #spiritwork #spirits #krakow #eliza.txt #city #urban #modern #postmodern

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blackfen · 5 years

Text

Split

(inspired by both @cockybusiness and @sheithpocalypse)

To say he was getting frustrated was the understatement of the century.

Curled up on his side, staring at the wall, a white hot fire burning in his belly, the smoke traveling up to his lungs and heart, where it settled into the delicate membranes as a sharp, steady ache, Keith tried to make his eyes close, tried to force his body to take that one crucial step towards actually being able to sleep but every time he left himself be engulfed in darkness, Shiro’s baffled expression – one with a hint of agitation around the edges, not enough that someone unfamiliar with him would be able to see but for Keith, it was as clear as daylight – floated up from the dredges of his mind, and he found himself, once again, infuriated to the point that he felt sick.

Behind him, the comm suddenly lit up, emitting a soft squeak that made him flinch. He glanced over at the clock. Right on fucking time. Groaning, he rolled over onto his back to glance over at it. When he saw the familiar name float up onto the screen, he immediately rolled back over, staunchly determined to ignore it. A couple squeaks later, and the thing went quiet. He was thrown into silence again, the only sound being the blood rushing in his ear. What was this? No, seriously, what the fuck was this? Was Shiro messing with him? Was that what this was? Some kind of sick joke? Keith forced himself to take a deep breath. No, no, he knew that wasn’t the case. Shiro would never do something like that…

He was just tired. There’d been a lot of stuff going on, and with this…bizarreness thrown into the mix, he’d been knocked all out of sorts. Right now, he just needed to get some sleep so that tomorrow he would be well rested, and thus would have an easier time just putting all of this out of his thoughts. Tomorrow, he would forget about all the strange calls, he’d forgot about Shiro’s annoyance and exasperation at something that Keith knew was happening but couldn’t explain or understand – he’d forget about all of it.

The comm lit up again, the same familiar squeak. Once again, Keith rolled over, took one look at the screen, and rolled back. Not tonight. He’d answered it every night that this had happened for the past month but not tonight. Whatever joke this was, whoever was playing this cruel trick on him, he’d had enough. No more. The comm went silent. Keith let out a long, heavy breath. Just as he was about to inhale, it lit up again.

And again.

And again, and again, and again.

By the sixth time, red was burning around the corners of his vision. Every muscle in his body was so tense that he was shocked his spine didn’t snap in half. Hurling himself up off the bed, he stomped over to the comm, slammed his hand down onto the answer button and snarled, “What?!”

“There you are.” Shiro’s soft, smooth voice, full of gentle warmth and happiness floated up from the speaker. On screen, his face was clearly visible. The same face he’d seen earlier in the day, looking at him with increasing annoyance, carefully hidden behind a mask of surprise, peered at him through the screen. Only this time, the gaze looking at him was disarmingly sweet. A slight smile tugged at the corners of full lips. There was a comfortable, open, honest look to the Shiro on the screen.

“Shiro, this isn’t funny.” Keith said coldly.

Thick eyebrows rose in surprise. Shiro cocked his head, and asked, “What’s not funny?”

“This!” Keith exploded, jabbing a finger at the screen.

“Keith, I don’t understand. Tell me what’s wrong.” Shiro said soothingly, “Did something happen?”

Scrubbing one hand over his face, Keith snapped, “Why did you lie to me?”

“Lied to you? When?” Shiro responded, sounding confused.

“You said earlier that we haven’t spoken in months!”

“When did I say that?”

“Earlier! When I called you, and asked why you always called me so late, you said we haven’t talked in months! Why did you lie to me? Why did you say that we haven’t talked when you’ve clearly been contacting me?”

Shiro stared at him for a moment, thick brows knit together over a concerned gaze. Speaking slowly, he said, “Keith, this is the first time I’ve contacted you today.”

“Stop-!” Raising up one fist to bring it down hard onto the comm station, Keith stopped short just before impact. Sucking in a deep, shaky breath, swallowing hard against the bile rising in his throat, his stomach a whirling mass of just nausea, Keith set both hands down onto the cool surface of the comm surface, focusing every ounce of his attention on that sensation, of the cold bite of the metal against his skin. He could feel his heart beating. There was a rush of noise in his ears as blood thundered through his veins. He couldn’t remember the last time he was this enraged. It must’ve been years ago, when Voltron was still actually a thing.

“Keith-“ Shiro began to say, obvious concerned laced through his soft voice.

“Don’t.” He coughed out, “Just don’t.”

Sitting down heavily in the nearby chair, covering his face with his hands, he waited until he felt like he could actually breathe again before asking, “Why did you lie to me?”

“Keith, I’m telling the truth. I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is the first time we’ve spoken since yesterday.”

“I talked to you earlier!” Keith exclaimed hotly, “You told me that we-“

“Keith.” Shiro said, “Baby, listen, you need to-“

Whatever he said next was lost to a barrage of cacophonous confusion. ‘Baby’…Shiro had…Shiro had just called him…’baby’. Why…why had Shiro called him ‘baby’? Shiro didn’t call him ‘baby’, Shiro called him Keith, why had Shiro called him ‘baby’?

…who the fuck was he talking to?

The thought had crossed his mind that this might be a huge, elaborate prank or some kind of enemy somewhere trying to trick him but he’d never given a whole lot of credence to the thought…until now that is. Sitting straight up, his anger cooling in response to what might be new found information that could explain this bizarre situation, Keith asked, “Are you really Shiro?”

“As far as I know.” Shiro chuckled, but the smile was quick to fade when Keith didn’t smile back. “Keith, what’s-?”

“Why’d you call me ‘baby’?”

“What?”

“Just a few moments ago, why’d you call me ‘baby’?”

Looking thoroughly confused by that point, Shiro glanced off to the side, almost as though he didn’t understand the question then looked back, and said slowly, “Because you’re my boyfriend?”

“…..huh?”

“Keith, what’s going on? Are you okay? Listen, maybe you should come home-“

“What the fuck are you talking about? Shiro, you’re married! You’ve been married for six years now!”

And now there was concern added into the obvious confusion, “Keith, we’ve been together for two years. We haven’t even broached the topic of getting married yet. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d love to-“

“Not to me! To Curtis!”

“Who? Keith, baby, is your Mom there? Can you go get her?”

If he got out of that chair, he was going to fall flat on his face. His head wasn’t just whirling, it was caught up in a goddamn tornado. Gawking, not even sure what to think at that point – if this was someone trying to trick him, they were doing a sorry fucking job of it. Boyfriend? They hadn’t seen each other in person in six years! They’d barely spoken in those six years! Shiro was married, not to him but Curtis, a man Shiro had only met once, and it was one the first fucking day of his life. The question stood be answer again, even though he didn’t have any information that could fucking answer it: what was this?! Who was this? Why did he look exactly like Shiro, talk like Shiro but ultimately, obviously, wasn’t fucking Shiro?

“Keith-“

“Just, stop. I can’t-“ Keith pushed his fingers through his mussed hair. It had to be a trick but if it was a trick, why would they use such an obviously fake story? Who in their right mind would actually think he’d fall for this? It was stupid, beyond asinine! This couldn’t be Shiro!

“Baby, please, look at me.”

“Stop calling me that!” Keith shouted, his head shouting up. Tears slipped out of the corners of his eyes. The reaction from Shiro was immediate. Eyes widening in shock and alarm, he jumped up from his seat, one large hand resting on the corner of the screen, staring up with a look that clearly said that he wanted to be there with him, to be right beside him…but there was millions of light years between them.

“Baby, baby, look at me, what’s wrong? Tell me what’s-“

Suddenly, Shiro’s voice stopped. The transmission was still ongoing but he went still, his expression suddenly slack, eyes completely blank. Letting out a sharp, hard breath, Keith leaned forward, his thoughts racing – was he finally going to see who was behind all this? Was the master mind behind this cruel, unfair prank going to be revealed, giving him a glimpse of whose face he was going to crush underneath the heel of his boot? - then Shiro seemed to jerk back to life. Giving his head a hard shake, he pinched the bridge of his nose, blinked rapidly several times then slowly looked up.

“Keith?” He said groggily, “What are you? What’s going on?”

“Why’d you call me?” Keith asked softly.

“Call you? Keith, are you still on that? I told you, I haven’t called you.”

“You called me just now.” Keith snapped, suddenly angry all over again. “That’s why we’re talking. Shiro-“

“Keith,” Shiro sighed with obvious irritation, “I don’t have time for this. Curtis and I have a lot of stuff we need to get done tomorrow. I don’t know what’s going on but I’m telling you the truth: I have not called you.”

“Then why are we talking?”

“I don’t know, Keith.” Shiro replied tersely, then seemed to realize how harshly he was speaking. Sighing heavily, his shoulders slumping, Shiro brushed a hand through his short hair, and for the first time, Keith noticed how exhausted he looked, “I’ll talk to you later, Keith. Good night.”

With that, Shiro disconnected the transmission, leaving Keith staring at a blank screen. Sitting back in his chair, angry, confused and exhausted himself, the realization that this wasn’t a prank or a trick crept up from somewhere deep inside his mind. For one, the logistics of it just didn’t work. Two, he couldn’t fathom any reason to do this, other than to cause him torment and this was a little excessive, even for a lot of the enemies he’d made along the way. Three…well, instinct, something he learned to trust a long time ago. Anger, sadness and confusion had caused him to jump to a knee jerk assumption, one that was meant to hurriedly explain something incomprehensible. Now that the source of all those emotions had been removed, leaving him with a smoldering fire deep within the pits of his belly, he couldn’t think…semi clearly.

And it was obvious. That was Shiro…both of them. One was married to Curtis, and didn’t remember calling him during the middle of the night to talk like they’d use to before…before Allura sacrificed herself. The other…Keith’s heart twisted in agony…boyfriend, the other thought they were boyfriends and he was the one who called him. Two Shiros…existing in the same body. It felt like a huge jump to just assume that was the case but…what other explanation was there? None, as far as he could see. He’d even saw the switch, right in front of his very eyes! Shiro probably didn’t even realize it – that’s why he didn’t know he’d been making calls to him in the middle of the night.

“Two Shiros.” Keith mumbled, slowly standing up, the world tilting dangerously. Stumbling back over to his bed, he dropped down heavily, rolled back over onto his side, and curled up into a tight ball. This…this was information he never wanted. There was a Shiro who he used to be close to, who he watched get further and further and further away as their lives became radically different. There was a Shiro he watched walk down the aisle, into the arms of a man who wasn’t him. There was a Shiro who he could barely just talk to anymore – the awkwardness between them was so immense that, at times, he felt as though he was talking to a total stranger. That alone had almost been too much for him to bear, driving him to put even more distance between them so he wouldn’t have to deal with the agony of being an acquaintance after he had once laid bare everything, only to have it forgotten and left to fall into the white abyss of an unknown planet but now…

There was a Shiro who loved him, who called him ‘baby’, who said he was his boyfriend, and they’d been together for years. Yet, there was no relief, no sweetness, no joy to be found in that because this Shiro, an amalgamation of the real one, was hidden deep within the subconscious of a man he loved so much that the night he got married, Keith had spent the night bent over a toilet, vomiting up wave after wave of stomach acid until his throat bled. That…was beyond cruel. It didn’t matter who that Shiro was, what caused such a dramatic split between the two personalities or why this Shiro was in love with him while the other had married someone else, none of it mattered. All that mattered, in that one single solitary moment, was that for the second time, Keith had been given a glimpse of what it felt like to be loved by that man, only to have it ripped away, leaving him gasping for breath, halfway wishing he had never met him in the first place.

#voltron legendary defender #voltron #sheith #fics

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jadecringecomp · 5 years

Text

jade is most definitely transmed and they refuse to even talk abt this because they know what they said and done is wrong.

jade has tried calling my friend out for being transmed and since ive come out abt these screenshots, theyve stopped calling him transmed and hasnt even talked abt the screenshots.

“[gideon] I dislike/hate most truscum and what most of them tend to believe, thought I personally do think some form/amount of dysphoria is needed even if it’s pretty much only social dysphoria or very minimal of any type of dysphoria.

[gideon] I don’t think there’s anything wrong with holding the belief that dysphoria is necessary so long as you aren’t policing, harassing, misgendering, etc.

[jade] oh yeah that makes sense. i can kind of see both sides? idk yeah

[gideon] I think both sides actively involved in ‘the discourse’ are fucking nuts, just to be clear lol”

they had even agreed with his statement. so its kind of weird for jade to call my friend gideon transmed over smth... they agreed with. it only gets worse with them.

“[jade] basically lainey like. claims to be trans but constantly does shirtless pictures and like borderline nsfw stuff, flip flops on who gets to call her what pronouns

[jade] claims to be a boy but then like.. claims to be agender

[jade] but then says they ARENT agender and like...

[jade] but like. just because they dont want labels?

[jade] idk what were u gonna say abt tearzah

[me] ok i can see that other stuff as faking it but like. i dont see how you cant be trans if you post shirtless pics or whatever

[jade] oh i mean

[me] also idk?? what i was gonna say

[jade] thats more the fact that she claims to have dysphoria but then like. does this”

jade straight up policing how dysphoria should work for others. and no it doesnt end there. i mean its jade we’re talking abt here. theyre really weird abt dysphoria not only from this, but asking me this question out of nowhere.

“[bot] Disconnected.

[jade] yo rae im just wondering but do u have dysphoria

[me] sometimes yes

[jade] vawid”

which is.. such an odd question to ask out of nowhere.

“[jade] do they claim

[jade] to have dysphoria”

jade talking abt tearzah and asking if they ‘claim’ to have dysphoria. and only to top the cake...

“[jade] dysphoria my fat ass cmon (picture of tearzah and their gf shirtless)”

so theres a good chance jade is transmed and they probablyare with how badly they try to avoid talking abt these screenshots. i think that alone says a lot.

update 3/31/19:

its been brought to my attention jade is claiming i made this all up. but really how could i be making this up when i have these screenshots. especially this one of jade blatantly using the term “transtrender”.

“Anonymous asked: in the call outs it shows u doubting people’s dysphoria and posting their pics to say the must not? why do this if not tr//scum? im confused and i do not want to follow tr//scum ideology thank u for answer

laineys whole transtrender or like. honestly whatever u wanna call it idk thing is like. a big topic for anti onision shit (which i follow like? kinda loosely but not rlly) so like. if literally just explaining it makes me transmed and pointing out how lainey fucking sucks (she does and if you are literally going to defend onisions wife in my inbox i’ll vomit blood all over my keyboard) makes me transmed and pointing out the Same shit with TEARZAH (god Help Me i can’t believe my abuser is so fuckign,dfkjdshfkjs she’ll defend tearzah to lie and victimize herself)”

first of all, nobody is defending lainey. i merely pointed out jade polices how ppl should experience dysphoria. and neither is the anon, as theyre implying in this ask. they simply agree jade displays the same ideologies as transmeds do. and apparently me pointing out how they even policed how tearzah should experience dysphoria means im defending them and trying to victimize myself...? way to gaslight jade. especially when all i did was show it to show more proof jade is transmed.

after someone pointing the ask out to me, i make a post on my blog calling them out on it.

“like dont get me wrong i fucking hate tearzah but me just showing proof of you being a freak and policing how ppl should experience dysphoria……. isnt………………. me defending anyone. nor is it even me trying to victimize myself. like what. crack are you on. its just proof you have transmed ideology. like i. really dont know what else to tell you. you just exposed yourself even more by using “transtrender” btw. what transmed doesnt say that honestly.

so im gonna have to ask you again to pull your head out of your ass and act human for once.“

and only minutes later does jade rb that same ask, to say this and try and backpedal.

“LIKE my point wasnt to call lainey a transtrender bc its fucking stupid but like basically thts what the whole subject is abt?? but like then again. cant speak for everyone so”

and they make yet another post right after, practically digging their own grave.

“claiming dysphoria and then posting topless selfies is sus and contradictory so shoot me i guess

#look up body dysphoria perhaps”

i think we can all conclude at this point that jade is definitely transmed.

#hugttos #dickcruncher #sorry for those who have seen this already #i decided i would make a separate post on this blog jic i decide to move again or smth #transphobia

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saints-row-2 · 5 years

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film watch day 31: Every Halloween Film

happy Halloween today i watched every Halloween film currently available to me. i couldnt get to rewatch Halloween 2018 but i already wrote about it a couple of weeks back so feel free to revisit that post. anyway, i watched ten Halloween movies today. It took around 17 hours. i started at 11:15am and im writing this now at 6 am.

so lets get to the post. for the most part i went in chronological order, except i chose to start with Rob Zombie’s remakes because i knew if i didnt id be finishing the day by watching them at the break of dawn and the idea of doing that was so fucking putrid to me that i decided to get them out of the way first.

Halloween (2007)

i hate this fucking movie. i mentioned in an ask the other day but im happy to repeat here, i dont hate the idea of expanding on Michael’s backstory. like the fact is we largely know his backstory, the issue is how this film chose to portray it. the original Halloween is frightening because its based around the idea that the seemingly safe, quiet suburbs are not as safe as they seem; you can be on a street youve known your entire life, only a few metres from your own home, and still at risk. the whole idea of showing Michael as a murderer when he was six is to tell us that anyone could be a threat, that our conventions that all killers are a particular kind of person is false.

Halloween 2007 says fuck that, we know what serial killers are, and theyre those poor kids who come from shitty neighbourhoods and have abusive parents and mothers who are sex workers. everything that Halloween brings to the table is fucking tedious, played out, and massively uninspired. it wants to bring us the truth about why Michael is like he is, but Rob Zombie’s only understanding of serial killers is in the cliche and exploitative. he has nothing honest about human nature to show us, only the exact same stories that have been fed to us by crime and horror movies past.

this film is incredibly loud and in fucking constant motion. even on steady shots of still scenes the camera constantly shakes, and in every other scene its always whirling around from tracking shot to panning over the scene to just idly zooming in and out of nothing. Zombie’s favourite shot is to have something large and out of focus in the foreground -- like some plants -- and to shoot the characters standing about six feet away muttering to themselves. every single fucking shot in this movie lingers too long, every scene drags a little longer than it needs to. this film moves with the pace that i would describe as “family guy gag”.

and this film is so loud. people are always talking or screaming, largely about nothing important or interesting. theres always music, but it never particularly adds anything; for reasons i fail to fucking understand the entirety of the original theme plays over mostly uninteresting tracking shots of a minor character walking around yelling filler lines about nothing.

the writing is horseshit. everyone in this film is vile, no one talks or behaves like real human beings. almost every exchange in this movie is the characters saying the exact same thing back and forth inanely, frequently punctuated by screaming FUCK as loudly as possible and talking about sex in a way that 40 year old men really really wished teenage girls talk about sex. Halloween (2007) is thoughtlessly gross and mean and nasty, disconnected from any kind of human sensitivity and empathy. it wants to be complicated and to be deep but its crushingly simplistic and stupid. the only thing that redeems it is that its not Halloween II (2009). speaking of which...

Halloween II (2009)

jesus christ this movie is so fucking boring. Halloween II is two hours long but feels like its about twenty hours long. i felt like i was watching this film for twenty days and twenty nights. i was trapped in an eternal purgatory with this movie.

i really cant fucking emphasise how boring this film is. endless scene after scene of nothing of consequence happening, uninteresting death scenes that add nothing, and Michael wandering around doing jack shit. Halloween II fucking made Michael Myers boring, and im saying this as someone who (as i repeat once every 8 seconds) has a tattoo of him. this film couldnt hold MY interest in two of my favourite characters of all time.

the big fun new addition from the first movie is the presence of Michael and Laurie’s mother as a kind of weird goth ghost guiding Michael to kill. i dont know why Michael had to be Jason Voorhees and be a mommy’s boy all of a sudden, but this addition brings absolutely nothing of interest to the film or to his character. its meant to be symbolic of fucking... something im sure, but it feels meaningless. somehow Michael and Laurie are both able to see and interact with this ghost and the ghost has an agenda to do... something? it feels about as intelligent and coherent as the bullshit cult of thorne shit from 6, but a lot less fun. at some point Michael Myers apparently has mind control powers?

not to repeat myself a hundred fucking times but this film is insanely unpleasant to watch. every scene someone is screaming, generally wailing “fuck you bitch” at anyone in their vicinity. this is two hours of people howling swear words at each other and not infrequently making rape jokes. Rob Zombie loves rape jokes! almost as much as he loves putting sexual assault in his movies over and over again for no reason.

there is nothing to enjoy in this film. theres nothing to gain. there is too much slow-mo and far too many strobe lights and absolutely nothing of any intelligence or grace. Halloween II is a thirteen year old boy in a korn T-shirt calling his mom a bitch while he draws zombies on the back of his homework, which he will get an F for because the only thing he wrote was “reading is for faggots”.

Halloween (1978)

what the fuck can i say. this is one of the greatest horror movies ever made, if not the greatest. its one of my favourite movies. its forty years old and still just as chilling and frightening as it ever was. it has some shot composition and cinematography thats up with the best ive ever seen, all while being shot on a budget of $300,000. it does more with less than just about any film, launched the slasher genre, shot Jamie Lee Curtis to stardom and created a pop culture icon that stayed strong for decades. its a masterclass in tension and suspense, a lean-cut perfectly paced film with heaps of atmosphere and character.

i love this film with a frantic passion that makes me unable to talk about it in a particularly helpful way. i cant “review” Halloween. I love this film beyond reason and sense and you either get it or you dont.

Halloween II (1981)

Halloween II is largely one of the less remembered entries in the franchise; its a decent enough movie, neither matching up to the highs of the original or the lows of the later films. its a pretty enjoyable little film, created under the logic of ‘well the first one did well, lets do the same thing again’. Carpenter wrote the script but didn’t direct, and while the film has a solid story, the directing lacks his signature flair. its hard to pinpoint, because the film is generally fairly well-shot, but lacks a kind of eye for shot composition that Carpenter made look easy, doesnt have as much patience for suspense.

on its own merits, theres still some great shots and great scenes in the movie. and a lot of really cool kills; II got a lot more creative with what Michael was capable of, and i think the boiling water drowning kill is rightfully pretty infamous.

this was the last Halloween movie Carpenter wrote, and it was the film where the idea of Laurie and Michael being siblings was introduced. and believe me ill defend this fucking decision to the grave. adding the human connection between Michael and Laurie gives a whole other layer to their relationship thats so fascinating to me, and i love that other films try to expand on the themes of family. in general, deciding that this film would continue to focus on Laurie and not do what later slashers did with bouncing around between different casts was a great fucking move, ironically for a franchise that was intended to be an anthology.

quietly exploring the aftermath of the first film was a good idea for a follow-up, and i especially really enjoy Loomis’ role in this movie, and his discussion about who Myers is. the biggest disappointment for me personally is that Laurie lacks a lot of presence in this film. Curtis is great, as always, but the movie dawdles on some side characters who are too disconnected from her to get a sense of what shes going through.

all that being said, Halloween II is decent. the ending is really great, with some really powerful shots. Michael bleeding from the eyes of his mask after Laurie shoots him is one of the best fucking images in horror and him swinging blindly as Laurie and Loomis slowly orchestrate his death is a fucking amazing scene. i have an immense fondness for this movie, with all its flaws. it brings a lot of really cool concepts to the table, and i think it deserves some appreciation.

heres a question tho; where the fuck were Laurie’s parents. theres a suggestion theyre missing, but theres no explanation why and we never hear from them. did michael kill them too? hello? mr and mrs strode? your daughter just fucking killed a guy and all her friends are dead. where the fuck are you.

Halloween III: Season of the Witch

Halloween III is infamous as being the Halloween movie that isn’t about Michael Myers at all. when it first released it was wildly unpopular and remained so for quite a while, but has had a surge in popularity over the last few years. i think just about every horror critic i know now considers Halloween III one of the best in the franchise. and to be fair to it, its a great little movie. not a slasher at all but rather a conspiracy thriller, Halloween III is all about the mystery of what the Silver Shamrock mask-making company are really up to, and why people are disappearing. its a weird and creative little movie, with some really fucking great practical effects that turn it from just being a thriller to being an all-out horror film. it has a few too many ineffective jumpscares and some of the plot twists are kind of disappointing and feel a little too much like the easy option -- and then others are so wildly bizarre no one would see them coming because theyre fucking completely out there. but i kind of love that sort of nonsense in a horror movie. like lets just have a fucking good time in here for once in our fucking lives.

Halloween III is not a perfect or even a really great movie, but yknow, fuck it. the idea that only perfect films are worth watching is dumb. i appreciate the weird shit this film tried and i think it deserves a lot more respect than what it got; if it had been released under another title it probably would have gone down as a classic instead of being derided for years, you ask me.

now things start going rapidly downhill

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

Halloween 4 is when Jamie is introduced as the new final girl; Laurie’s seven year old daughter, after Laurie herself died off-screen in a fucking car crash. the decision to kill off Laurie came from Jamie Lee Curtis decided not to return to the character and instead of recasting her, they went with just having her… die. off-screen. in the franchise where the previous two movies were about her triumph and determination to stay alive. like its the casual thoughtlessness of this that, the idea no one would give a shit a character returned, that in my eyes epitomises how fucking little anyone cared about this franchise going forward.

man the idea of Laurie dying completely irrelevant to Michael… thats a lot. anyway continuing on his quest to erase anyone related to him, Michael starts targeting his niece Jamie for the three movies in the franchise. this is where the series started rapidly losing any grip on reality. while Michael always had some kind of superhuman elements to him (he took six bullets to the chest and survived in the first movie) these became increasingly wildly exaggerated. now hes crushing peoples skulls with his bare hands shit like what the fuck. first of all do that to me and secondly, it was this kind of slide into unreality that let the supernatural elements of the series creep in further until you end up with the shitshow that is Halloween 6. like it was the decrease in the impact of violence and human life that really fucked this franchise over.

this film is not great. its a definite decline in quality after 2 and was on the slippery slope downwards. it has some high points, primarily in Dr Loomis. Donald Pleasance is a better actor than most movies deserve and brings gravitas to a role that in the hands of a less capable actor would be laughable. his sincere plea to Michael at one point to just kill him instead of going after Jamie is honestly fucking tragic.

outside of that, the film isnt massively interesting. Michael himself isnt particularly threatening or engaging, and his mask looks like shit in this film. the characters in this film are largely very stupid, also, which doesnt help anything much.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers

if theres a Halloween movie people talk about the least, its this one. II has the sibling twist, III is the black sheep, 4 is the return, even 6 gets talked about for its troubled production history. no one has anything to say about Halloween 5. and thats mostly because there is fucking nothing to say about Halloween 5. it is a relentlessly fucking dull movie that pads out its 100 minute run time with endless unnecessary scenes of shit that does… nothing. this film is dull in a way that i find incredibly detestable. i cant even watch it through a haze of impassioned anger like i can with the also incredible dull Halloween II (2009). its just fucking boring. every single scene drags like its trying to walk on two broken legs. the plot is so bare bones its nonsensical. it constantly adds new characters and new elements but all that does is makes it more incoherent and confusing. watching this movie i literally found my fucking eyes glazing over in my skull. if this film was edited correctly it would be twenty minutes long. i cannot fucking emphasise enough how much of relentless slog it is. Halloween 4 was dull but even that had the lifeline of ‘some cool ideas’. Halloween 5 is nothing. Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water.

Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

if Halloween 5 is puddle dirt water Halloween 6 is just a fresh hot glass of piss. there are two versions of Halloween 6, the director’s cut and the theatrical release, and both are wretched. this film went full ham with introducing the supernatural elements, telling us that Michael was his whole life psychically controlled by a pagan cult called the Cult of Thorne in order to make Halloween scary again or summon the devil or who fucking cares. this movie is fucking insufferably dull, totally absurd, and wildly unsympathetic. i loathe Halloween 6 and every terrible, stupid plot decision it makes. Paul Rudd defeats Michael Myers by drawing druid symbols on the ground and Michael just gives up and lies down. theres a baby that does nothing and serves no purpose. Halloween is apparently banned in Haddonfield, which makes this more closely related to Footloose than Halloween i think. this film takes itself incredibly seriously while spouting nothing but total fucking bullshit drivel and i dont believe that anyone involved in this movie, from the cast to the cameraman to the guy who served the lunch had any faith in this movie outside of the vague hope it might make money and i wish this movie had been burned at the stake. also i hate Paul Rudd.

Halloween H20: 20 Years Later

oh thank fucking god finally some good fucking food. Halloween H20 took the decision to retcon all the sequels (except II) twenty years before Halloween 2018, proving that everyone knew 5 and 6 were fucking mistakes.

this film loses a lot of the Halloween feeling in favour of making a more generic late 1990s/early 2000s style horror. theres nothing particularly interesting about the way this movie is directed or shot, the music is largely very generic, it has a generally uninteresting glossy quality to it that studio movies always do. its very obvious this movie was inspired by Scream and it looks a lot more like Scream than it does Halloween. all of this makes me kind of sad, but other films in the franchise have proved that other directors generally are not capable of imitating Carpenter’s style so maybe its better they dont really try.

what H20 does so well, and the reason i love it so much, is that it explores the relationship between Michael and Laurie, which is something im endlessly fascinated with. this was the first movie to have Laurie shake off her fear and rise up against Michael, and while it doesnt do it with quite as much depth and intelligence as Halloween 2018, it still has a fucking good crack at Laurie’s character, and its still powerful watching her turn on the man who terrorised her for years. Michael is great in this movie too; while he has a terrible mask, watching him back on his shit as a furious force of nature who wants nothing more than to destroy anyone who gets in his way.

honestly i kind of enjoy having a Halloween in a different style; theres something fun about seeing characters recontextualised and done with justice and empathy. most of the Halloween sequels before this one (and after, looking at Resurrection) are shallow, unconcerned with any kind of emotional depth or personality. and while a lot of the stock filler characters in H20 who are lined up for the chopping block arent that interesting and dont particularly standout, watching Jamie Lee Curtis’ performance and seeing her interplay with Michael is enough. and most of the side characters arent particularly annoying, which is more than i can say for half this franchise.

this film also has what is one of my absolute favourite endings in a movie ever; the final confrontation between Michael and Laurie has a particular interaction between them that i absolutely adore and that alone is enough to make this movie one of my favourites.

H20 isnt perfect; it weirdly feels like a blueprint that Halloween 2018 would later refine into a better movie, but the idea its going to be completely disregarded for Halloween 2018 in the future makes me a little sad. in the face of so many fucking mediocre and awful Halloween sequels it did the right thing in trying to focus on what actually mattered; the connection between Michael and Laurie, although i dont feel like it succeeded in making Michael as scary as 2018 would much later. that said, the shot where Michael and Laurie just stare at each other through the glass of a window? that gives me chills every time. and hearing the Halloween theme kick in as Laurie marches off into the school with an axe looking for Michael is so fucking triumphant.

i love H20 even if Michael’s mask looks like his hair was dunked in a bucket of water and then gently blow-dried. i have no idea why it looks so fucking stupid in this movie. why is it so hard to get Michael’s mask right. you wouldnt think it was that fucking hard. anyway, i really fucking love Laurie Strode a lot, which didnt help to make Resurrection any easier to swallow.

Halloween: Resurrection

so whats the obvious thing to do after you have a movie where the power and emotion all comes from the emotional catharsis of seeing a woman get her vengeance on her tormentor? you, uh, make a sequel in which she is immediately defeated and pointlessly killed after its revealed her victory at the end of the previous film was entirely false, and then you never return to focus on her and instead introduce a horde of entirely uninteresting stock characters. yeah, makes sense.

Resurrection is fucking incredibly stupid, in the kind of fucking hysterical way only really bad horror movies can capture. theres absolutely nothing of Halloween in this other than the presence of Michael, who just as easily could have been replaced with anyone or anything. the story has a group of people on a reality show staying in the Myers house to… stay there? its not entirely clear what the challenge is meant to be, other than to just be inside the house, which i imagine gets to be pretty dull viewing pretty quickly. theres no suggestion theyre like, hunting for ghosts or something along those lines, theyre just… looking at stuff.

Michael slopes around this movie like he doesnt fucking understand where he is or whats going on, an entirely out of place relic of better times past while the cast cavorts around him doing nothing of interest and having no plots or characterisation to speak of. the film has exactly two or three funny moments, including the legendary ‘Michael Myers getting electrocuted in the dick by Busta Rhymes’, but youre way, way better off just looking that up on youtube instead of watching this movie. there is an hour of pointless plot development about characters no one cares about until Michael starts fucking killing people. this movie shouldnt exist and we should all go back to pretending it doesnt.

and thats it. thats all the halloween films. i can die now.

#rantsfilmwatch #this is around 4000 words long so yknow consider yourself warned

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kosmicdream · 6 years

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Hi I’m Kosmic. I draw webcomics and my webcomics are really long sprawling huge cast ones that will go on for years and they’re non linear and all this stuff that makes ppls heads spin when they try to explain wtf they’re about. I ask myself this question a lot: How the fuck do I maintain this motivation for continuing projects that are honestly, probably bigger than i can possibly feasibly create??? How do i avoid swallowed up by anxiety of my own creations???? is that energy going to run out at any time? should i be worried?? Well! For some reason I... don’t? like i get winded sometimes but in the end, I actually quite like what i do and I don’t care that it takes literally years to make my stories. but when I step back and look at it objectively it does make me scratch my head and wonder how i came to be in this situation. So, sometimes i try and write a few things that help me with understanding my own process, for whatever reason. Or at least I’ll TRY to articulate some of the things i seem to tell myself again and again that help me feel very comfortable with my writing/creating process. So if you want an insight into tips that i give myself.. this is that!

TIP #1 - Everything you Plan will take longer than you planned, but you can make it easier by unexpectedly including information you might have otherwise withheld.

Secrets are cool in your stories. I have so many of them, but I also understand that they’re much more fun to share than to always keep locked up and out of knowledge. I often overshare to the point where ‘info dumping’ happens which is often considered an unattractive quality in comics. But IDM it so much because my comics just need to be drawn and you can’t glorify and hold every flaw over your shoulders when in the end its not going to be that big of a deal. I think its better to give out more information than finding reasons to bend around a story to avoid revealing things. I feel it might even be more obvious if you attempt to do that.

Also, I feel that everything planned in a story can happen quite quickly, and feel much shorter than actually drawing it. Even with the experience ive gained, i still am surprised just by how much i must throw out to make my long scenes shorter and snappier. even then, they are still really long scenes. I don’t mind doing this, I like to make my stories this way- but ive also designed my comic to serve this pace by making my pages less intensive physically to make. I’m not going to go in depth about this as ive already discussed this many times before, but I do think its important to understand that generally, a commitment to a comic is going to be bigger and longer than it appears in your mind or even on paper as a script or thumbnails.

(my comic eggshells, for example, was originally going to be 340ish pages long. but back then, my pacing was much different-- and my pages were generally twice as wide with around 15 panels per page..sometimes more. but i would over-render and make them hard to read, and now i draw very few panels per page and my comics are much ‘longer’ in page count.)

TIP #2

-Accept that your ideas are bigger than what you can draw and enjoy the private context and history of your work without feeling like its less accomplished for not being all out there. Validate yourself but also understand that your readers are not going to understand the depth from your perspective and they will be engaging with the view they’ve been exposed to.

This is kind of a complicated one but I think that its both humbling to accept your work as this multi layered experiences of contradicting perspectives.. theres the planning and your engagement with the goals, the work of translating your creation to others and the vulnerable exposure of these ideas to the audience. As the creator, you get to see things in a very unique way that no one else can but... the one feeling you will never get to see is the audience who has no idea what will happen next. You can anticipate it, but in the end its so vast and unpredictable that it will be impossible to judge what they ALL will FEEL and sometimes? their perceptions can alter your own enjoyment of your work. I guarantee it will change it in SOME way.. that’s part of the sacrifice.

TIP #3

-Allowing change, flexibility and growth into your series- and letting go of control over all facets of it.

As time goes on things just change. Its hard to accommodate or prepare for that kind of investment in your work when you feel like you havent even gotten through the starting gates of your story. Comics are particularly difficult for that because once you draw a thing, it takes time to edit and you cant really undo and go back. Each panel informs and builds on the next. You have to use what’s there and figure out how it can be a structure for the future.

Accepting the past that has helped create the situation and platform of your comic in the present, which will lead into the future. Personally, i’m not a fan of retconing* certain decisions that have been already made into the canon-- however, i think if a new conclusion or idea is discovered in the process of writing and it works to include because it creates a new and alive energy in the work that will help push it to the next stage.. i think that’s very helpful and useful for sustaining the growth and motivation in a story. Making choices like this can be tricky, however, but even small ones can give a lot of natural growth and flexibility in the comic. The problem can often come with letting go of that unseen, unrealized version we had intended. I know for myself, i can get very nostalgically attached to old ideas but-- if i think of something better that works or makes more sense, I’m always thankful to let go and let my stories grow into a better thing. I try to remember where it came from, however. Because that helps inform me where to go.

(*generally my definition for this is altering events of the past, certain core plans of the comic, character motivations, or facts that are connected to the worldbuilding. im kind of a hoarder so once its in the story aka on a specific page-- its not going anywhere. until then things can be up in the air. for example, the characters knife and spoon were not originally intended to be mutually in love and it was more of a one sided idol worship, but as i fleshed their characters out i realized that it was mutual and it changed and altered the story because of that. now it cannot/will not be “undone” for whatever reason bc this is.. an established fact in the story. but at one point, it was not! i hope that makes sense.)

SO TO SUMMARIZE... plans will always be “”bigger”” in the ever expansive space of your mind so also dont be afraid to get to the point sometimes even if it feels a little, like. less exciting than you thought? accept your story is going to be different for YOU vrs your audience and make peace with that disconnect even tho its disorienting + upsetting sometimes & accommodate the ~natural personal and artistic growth~ you will experience and let go of things that might be holding you or your work back from improving with you. but also dont try to cut out too much of the past because.. it is what helped you get to where you are right now? focus on the present & allow growth for the future, dont try to alter the past and pretend it didnt happen. bc that will be confusing as fuck for everyone involved and also probably hurt the story more than help it. esp if its a long one. ur building a tower dont pull out too many foundational blocks and try to make it too much of something else unless its growing there on its own.. u kno?

When I try to write these tips these are just things I find myself doing in a cycle as i create that seem to keep re igniting my passion for my story again and again. It makes me curious because it also is a very instinctual thing so I thought I might try and write it out!!!!!!!!!! ENJOY.

ALSO some bonus thoughts!!!!!!!!!! I will say that I’ve never completed a long format comic series, so take it w/ a grain of salt imo. HOWEVER...I probably will, eventually. Even if I don’t, I do enjoy writing really big ones and I feel very happy with the work i do on them! and still feel no inclination to move onto other things. Or even when I work on other things, I don’t have a feeling of dropping a story entirely. (for example, i still intend to work on my older series eggshells and don’t really feel a desire to ‘quit’ that story even when i have matured as an author/artist since starting it.)

When I read really long comic series I wonder a lot of internal decisions that happen out of sight, since the timeline of a comic that you read is so much different than the timeline it takes actually creating the thing. its so easy to write/plan/form ideas for lifetimes of work that will never be realized, so what is it that we actually get in the pages? What aspects of this author are we actually seeing? how much have they grown since beginning and what about the story we will never know? I know I’ll never know, because, I am only the reader! And as the creator, I will never know what the feeling of my work as the reader. or the cool and interesting things they predict will happen based on their perseptions, which are so different from mine. Yet!! we are all engaged in the same story unfolding, never fully discovering what its like on the other side but only getting little glimpses and thats fascinating how a story is almost this vast illusion of experiences maintained by so many different minds.

Long format comics captivate me because they are just, really time consuming to make and the pacing of them are so different and less consumable than other stories. They like become.. this place you live in! Why are they my favorite to enjoy even when its natural that, when a story becomes longer, its going to end up attracting more & more issues? Why do i Not care about resolutions to long stories sometimes bc my expectations for them are different?? (also lets face it, experience writing long stories is going to be different than writing short ones because it takes time to write longer things & we are not going to have as much experienc having more than one completed super long multi-act-multi-characterplot story vrs a bunch of smaller ones. it doesnt mean its EASIER to write shorter ones, if anything id argue its probably much harder to write good short things + isolate a story down to that focused vision than making tons of long ones that avoid endings) but..yet!! here i am...

why am i constantly drawn to trying to understand long format stories when I probably could improve faster by writing shorter things??! i dont really know! but i follow my heart and my heart likes to do things this way......

anyway, this entire post is mostly inspired by the fact that many of my favorite stories started before i was even born or have been going on for decades and i wonder if we’ll ever read the endings to many of them.... would it.. matter? they’ve already inspired me so much even without a resolution because i can imagine my own endings to things.. but in the end that is not what happened in the actual story. it was only in my mind.. and yet it never happened, and was an illusion unknown to anyone but myself.....and sometimes my favorite stories are my favorites because of the things i imagined them to be, rather than what they actually were or how they actually turned out.. i dont know how this happens..... but i wonder about what this means with my OWN comics, and how my perceptions of what they could be vrs what they are is like, this weird illusion that also exists only in my mind and no one else can see it. yet we are both looking at the same thing. and i want to know what others see and i never will get to??? ....stories are......... so fucking spooky!!!!!!!!!! AHHH!! ok thats all. thx for reading

#personal #comic writing #ffak faq

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falling-mist · 3 years

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This is a vent post to be real (dont rb please?)

So my sister wants me to tell my parents that shes a girl but she hasnt given me a date to do it by and i have no clue how to do it and like of she gave me a date id probs be able to do it but i cant even come out to them so its not great like yeah i told them im probs a lesbian and asexual (even tho they dont believe im ace which is Not Fun to put it lightly) but like my mom went are you not telling us dtuff about your gender and i just went i dont know like technically yeah im totally not telling you thatd id like for you to use they/them as well as she/her pronouns for me but also she/her is ok and sometimes they refer to me as their child instead of their daughter which is cool but like i cannot do it without disconnecting my mouth from my brain and making my mouth spit out the words while my brain goes wtf wtf wtf the entire time Also schoolwork is so bad i dont know when stuff is due and if i watch the class thats one plus and if i take notes thats like amazing and like i used to be good at school but now (mostly cause of the pandemic and living at home) i cant focus on shit right now and i have a meeting with my advisor tomorrow and i have to say i planning on dropping english cause i havent been doing the assignments and most of my classes i have no clue when the homework is due which leads to me forgetting and then not doing it and also i think im dropping out of honors just cause i cant focus in shit Also i thought i had covid like 3 times (all were false some due to allergies, or allergy medication causing my heart to both beat really fast and also give me insomnia or just stress) which did not help the schoolwork at all And my sister is depressed so shes talking about suicide or saying she doesnt want to be here (which might be passively suicidal or suicidal idealization idk) and sometimes saying stuff like you dont care about me or like you shouldnt care about me but i do and its both terrifying and scary that i cant convince her that we all do love her because shes her and not for any other reason and thats shes not annoying or even if she is that doesn’t mean we dont love her and it similar with my grandmother whos living with us except with her she wants to talk politics all the time and shes pro trump so thats a shitshow already and like we try to have a discussion but it always ends with everything you say is false and a lie and you dont love me and im a burden and stuff like that which i get is ingrained in her cause her parents and siblings were basicaly abusive to her but some stuff she says like about my granddad who i never knew but my mom did or my poppop /my poppops family is just blantent lies or just wrong and like she misses my aunt (who died in her final year of college (just like me so im honestly worried that that might happen to me as well) but like she hasnt/cant move on from her but also she compares me to her and i cant argue cause i didnt know her and maybe i am like her but i am my own person and thankfully my mom makes sure i know that but like sometimes im worried she thinks im her or im her ‘reincarnation’ which once again im not and im the ‘golden child’ in her eyes so i can do no wrong despite me saying time and time again that im not perfect i have issues and like some of it is just that im nice to her but also some of that is my parents going help nana and so i do and i guess im ‘naturally kind’ but just im not sunshine im not perfect i just dont show anger well and thus compared to the rest of my family im sunshine but like sometimes its just like whats anger going to do honestly im more likely to despair than to get angry which might say alot about me but :( Theres probably more but this is what i got right now

#if you have advice id love to hear it #vent #vent post #idk #this was supposed to help me figure out my thoughts about what im doing with my advisor meeting tomorrow but #well i know why im not doing my hw now

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6ubble-gum · 6 years

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more shit abt me, the most boringest person in the world

tagged by @herdustisverypretty thank u for this short break from existential dread

Soft Asks 💕

What’s your favorite song(s) to sing/hum?

- currently my favorite song to passionately mumble to myself while locked alone in my room is blumenkranz off the kill la kill soundtrack, but a majority of the songs i fixate on are not in english bc i hate understanding the words im singing

Favorite flower/tree/plant?

- daisies because theyre friend-shaped

Favorite Color(s)?

- tough question bc i love a lot of colors but i wont wear a lot of them. i really like yellow because its a warm and friendly color, but i cant handle a lot of it at once. one of my favorites is pastel green, and i also really like a lot of muted colors. for some reason blue is very iffy for me, like it has to be a pastel shade or a really dark one for me to like it. maybe thats bc ive gotten blue-screened a lot

What do you doodle?

- dicks. just...dicks. yesterday i doodled a dick on my doctors office admittance papers and my nurse gave me a Look. i also like to doodle eyes but mostly its dicks lmao

How do you take your coffee/tea? Or what’s your favorite warm drink?

- i love tea, but for the most part im too impatient to add stuff to it even though i love it with a tiny pinch of sugar, lots of honey, and a squeeze of lemon juice. thats too much work all the time though so i just drink it plain most of the time

Favorite candle scent?

- anything apple-related. and vanilla. but mostly apple.

Sunrise or sunset?

- fuckign neither they both make me angry. but i guess if i had to choose itd be sunrise bc sometimes i have nightmares and cant get back to sleep and the sun coming out is like. a saving grace

What perfume do you wear, if any?

- i dont usually wear perfume bc too many smells is sensory hell. i do however have a small bottle of frivole from fragonard that i like to use once in a blue moon

Favorite quote?

- everything min yoongi has ever said

Favorite self-care routine?

- tbfh i dont know what the hell self care is. ive never done it in my life because i cant relax long enough to do anything. how fcked up is that, im too anxious for self care lmfao

Fuzzy socks or house slippers?

- neither, really. socks make me anxious because im worried about blood clots and im paranoid about bugs hiding in slippers so

What color are your eyes?

- black but if theres a lot of sun theyre a neat orange-y gold

What’s your favorite eye color on others?

- uuuhhhh. black probably

Favorite season?

- summer because it rains a little less than the other seasons and im free to actually wear the 75% of my clothes i have to keep in boxes year round cause its too cold out to wear them

Cheek, neck, or nose kisses?

- hand

What does your happy place look like?

- whatever the afterlife looks like. either that or when my maladaptive daydreaming kicks in and im 500 realities deep into my daydreams and im completely disconnected from my own reality

Favorite breed of dogs?

- i dont really like dogs that much but i appreciate the tiny fluffy ones

Do you ever want to be married? If so, what colors would you choose for your wedding theme?

- marriage has tax benefits and shit so like sure but this offer is unavailable to anyone who is allo in any way lmao. i would want the most emo fucking wedding possible like, not 2000s emo but. dark. and awesome. the kind of wedding that older generations would faint at the sight of and also the kind of wedding where skeleton masks are totally acceptable dress for the event

Cursive or print?

- my handwriting is a weird incomprehensible mix of the two but i definitely prefer print because its way easier to read

Silk or lace?

- silk. lace is nice in theory but its like...reaching into a bag half filled with porcupines and half filled with kittens like. you could either get something really nice or really really really awful

Favorite weather?

- heavy heavy heavy rain and wind with some thunder because while i dont like mild raining i fucking love the rain you can hear from 2 miles away

Zodiac?

- the asshole sign, aka capricorn

you know the routine lmao im too much of a pansy to tag people

#a propos de moi

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everythingmustgo · 7 years

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Hiyaaa I'm a libra sun, pisces moon and leo rising and leo mars in the 1st(that I feel is very prominent) how'd you describe me? ❤

dude im leo sun pisces moon nd libra rising we r all switched up ! anyway libras r some of my favs tbh ur just. chill ukno ??? u just wanna b everyones friend??? u always find the middle ground in arguments, ur pleasant to talk to nd be around, u rarely let ur emotions take control of u. one thing abt libras tho is that they can b super fake like theyre v insecure abt what people think of them nd dont want to upset anyone by disagreeing w them. u can b easily manipulated under the threat of being seen as difficult or having conflicting opinions. their opinions may always b balanced nd right in the middle but this isn't always bc they analyse the situation nd find a compromising solution, its often bc they are always biased regarding what people will think of them nd they always feel judgement is a threat. they wanna b on everyones side at once, they want to b friends w everyone nd anyone. will always b kind to u. pisces moons (thats me btw hello) r also usually kind nd hav a deep understanding of emotion nd things that r spiritual. u care deeply for others nd hav a strong urge to make things right in the world. u hate injustice. shy nd introspective usually, u feel things nd u feel them Hard. this fits p well w ya libra sun, tho libras r def more social nd pisces hav a tendency to b solitary. when ur unhappy, u need 2 b left alone. but w both signs, u hav a strong desire to please others that could leave u getting taken advantage of. u hav such a deeply caring nature from ur sun and ur moon nd people notice this. from ur libra ur easily persuaded nd from ur pisces ur easily used for emotional support. ur social life takes a lot of time nd effort. ur leo rising is whats holding u together here man. u come across confident nd proud, social nd outgoing nd a loyal, protective friend. people love u for being kind nd spoiling them bc thats what leos do, which fits w ur sun nd moon where people love u for agreeing w them nd for empathising w them. ur the kind of person thats naturally likable nd u thrive off it. u like to b seen as attractive nd desirable. however u can also be seen as bossy and egocentric. the submissive nature of ur sun nd moon r often overpowered by the strikingly outgoing nd individual presence u hav, ur noticable ! bc ur rising is so different from ur sun nd moon u may feel a disconnection between who u rly r nd how u r perceived by others. however ur leoness is still v prominent as its also ur mars! its not just the way u express urself that is proud and dramatic, its how u react in situations where u need to take action. mars is often ur fight mode and cuz urs is in a fire sign AND in the first house, ur Extra involved in conflict. uve probably never backed down from a fight in ur life. if smth threatens u, u fight the FUCK back, u dont take shit from anyone or anything. u protect urself above all else, u wanna b in control of ur own life. the first house rules the outer personality and self expression, meaning much of ur decisions and actions come from a place of courage and ambition, always looking forward and facing things head on. as it is in leo, this would imply that u face things with confidence and the kind of over the top dramatics only a leo can pull off. u need a lot of self belief, but it comes naturally to u when ur going places. u need to progress, u cant stay in one place too long. ur always looking forward. theres a definite split between ur sun and moon and ur rising and mars, which is quite interesting but i imagine causes quite a bit of inner conflict. id check ur mercury nd venus if i were u (honestly im just curious lol)

//pls dont send any more for now cuz ive still got 9 to answer but once ive cleared my inbox ur more than welcome to start sending them again//

#astrology talk #if u dont wanna see these asks im tagging them as astrology talk now btw

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framingnaturesbeauty-blog · 7 years

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is fact time

holy fuck lets try im ready to die . how many fcking facts!

Eisuke’s favorite animal is an Owl! He thinks theyre super cute and those are probably the only videos hes seen online.

Eisuke is so disconnected from tech outside cameras and basics online. He probably has a flip phone.

Scorpio boy. November 18th birthday much like all my ocs. 18 power.

Eisuke likes cats and dogs but prefers dogs a bit more

This is more an ooc fact but when i first made eisuke luke misheard me and called him acegay so i sometimes say that joke to myself

His family is pretty average; Mom- Yuriko, Dad-Hotaka, and his lil bro Yuusuke [the name was from a friend who heard the previously mentioned joke- Yousgay orz]

What is his sexuality? He doesn’t think about it much. He’s too wrapped up in work to really consider it. Confused as shit basically.

A decent cook! Mainly simple foods honestly but he’s not bad at it! Used to making ‘on the go’ food since he spends so much time away from home.

He speaks Japanese [obvs] and some very basic Chinese and English. Mainly business terms and such- travel and online communication of course. He could never hold a real conversation.

IF u cant tell from his blog’s background his fav season is fall. It’s really gorgeous in japan and he adores taking pictures of it. Not that he hates the others, but it’s especially pretty.

Eisuke can and will sleep anywhere. He’s probably slept in a tree at least once.

Eisuke has no idea why people think freckles are cute. He is a mess w/ them everywhere he just thinks theyre normal.

Eisuke is HORRENDOUS at strategy games of any kind. Kick his ass at chess.

How does his hair do the shit it does? Who knows! Eisuke thinks it looks cool. But really its just another joke cause i thought he looked like a Tales of Character and i was too attached to it. He likes it though.

Eisuke almost exclusively wears hiking boots. He’s rough on his shoes and they stand up to stupid shit.

HE always /always/ carries his camera w/ him.

Along w/ that he’s got a lil pocket notepad too. Always prepared.

Theres like. No animals i can think of that Eisuke hates. He’s a child who loves all animals.

Music! Uh well considering his limited time w/ stuff he only listens to things that are what his family or classmates listen to. He doesn’t really look music up on his own. Opposite of me living on music orz

this isnt a fact but i was looking at the kpk facts i did and ‘ [x files theme plays] If he dies here I won’t have to answer this’ < still true

He bites his lips and fingernails a bit

His room is a awful mess most of the time. When he feels up to cleaning it it looks fantastic but it doesnt take long for it to get messy again

The most patient temper ever known to man [is that even a proper wording? it takes a lot to get him angry]

Eisuke is both a morning person and a night owl- it really dpeends on the situation. He loves the early mornings- reason below- but he also likes the nighttime.

Loves sunrises ! Thinks they are super pretty and a fair amoutn of his pictures are those.

knows nothing about furries. Nothing.

Tarot wise- Strength i feel. I may b bad at tarot but hikaru makes me pay attention

eisuke has never had alcohol. hes stuck on rules and wont drink till hes 20.

Likes strawberries. wishes they werent so expensive ; -; [me too buddy]

Colorwise... stylish blue actually. Green is liked but well . blue is the fav

b prepared for some weird ass movements because eisuek emotes more visually than i can draw orz

Gets really invested in shit he watches, so much so he tends to not really watch much of anything

loud noises startle him, another reason he prefers being out in the natural shit world. Not as loud.

i am running out of facts fuck!!!!!!!

the worst big brother ever. He’s trying, but holy shit hes bad at that.

#ooc #about eisuke #im bad at these!!!!!!!!!!

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gooeyguy · 7 years

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email to my teacher (warning alot of personal stuff)

Hey so, sorry to email you out of nowhere like this? But i feel like maybe im finally at a point where i can explain more thoroughly why im having trouble with school or just succeeding in general. I think its really important that i tell you some of this junk because theres a chance it might make the rest of the year easier for you and me.

I wanted to start off with apologizing for all the trouble ive caused you throughout the year with the annoying comments, disruptions and backtalk. And most of all the terrible ability i have with doing and turning in work.

This email is mostly to explain my situation and reasoning for acting/struggling the way i have been (not to annoy you or be sarcastic).

Alright so, if you havent noticed i struggle with some things and one of them i never really bring up is ptsd. I have been diagnosed and im hoping to enlighten you on my specific issues with it, (everything i mention will apply to me as to make it less confusing from here on)

I have a specific type of ptsd called Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD; also known as complex trauma) This type of ptsd is different in that it results from repetitive, prolonged trauma. My causes for being diagnosed are specifically natural-detachment from my mother and physical/sexual abuse growing up and some other things im not going to mention.

My side effects from this are,

Attachment – "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to other's emotional states, and lack of empathy"

This is strongly linked to my reactive attachment disorder and explains alot to why i am the way i am. Heres a link to a website http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-health-reactive-attachment-disorder#1 that explains a bit of what it is so that i do not have to make this already long email that much longer, i would also really appreciate it if you read even just a little.

I have an extreme lack of trust in others and am constantly doubting myself, there is not a second of the day where i dont think im a horrible person, i could be doing better, im disgusting to look at ect. The social isolation is a big problem for me, because im “this way” i feel that bothering others with my presence/problems/medical difficulties ect. is not necessary and for the better. Hence why i refrain from asking when i really need help, im scared to bother you. I dont want to make you angry and i know you and mrs mumford are already so stressed by the time my bell starts.

Biology – "sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties, somatization, and increased medical problems"

This ties into my Fibromyalgia and eds which ill explain more about after i go through ptsd. Its all kind of one big mixed bag of disorders that tie together and make me the way i am.

Affect or emotional regulation – "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes"

Like i talked about before i feel extremely useless and annoying when asking for help or even talking about the things i enjoy. And when trying to explain my difficulties i stop midsentence or forget words/forget what my problem is and it becomes frustrating.

Dissociation – "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events"

THIS is what i blame for never being able to remember anything. With fibromyalgia i have whats called “brain fog” and with the constant dream like state im in because of dissociation it makes my memory absolutely terrible. Remembering your names in class took me until almost 3rd quarter and it was utterly embarrassing(i still forget sometimes), its even more embarrassing when i forget basic buttons on the calculator and have to ask in front of everyone looking like an idiot.Or when i try to shout out an answer in class and it comes out gibberish because my mind is everywhere all at once, Or when we have a test on the formula we learned a week ago, and of course my mind draws a blank. I cant remember, and it makes me so frustrated with myself that i want to break down right there in class. It renders me doing weird things too, like the other day i put the icecream in the bread drawer, and on sunday i woke up and got ready for school. Theres alot of other things i could say but its as if fibro is laughing in my face.

Dissociation in my own words is feeling like nothing is real, things dont feel like they happened. What does feel real is the pain/feeling in my body, i am a very anxious and jumpy person so im very sensitive to loud sounds/touch/weather and certain (triggering) talk among students. And yet i still feel in a daze,My vision will sometimes blur and i am very prone to falling/accidents, staying focused can be extremely frustrating because my brain feels like a cloud, its almost uncontrollable like a dream. I dont think anyone can control those very much so i think its a good example.

Behavioural control – "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems"

Im pretty okay with impulses, i of course have alot of very impulsive thoughts but i am good at controlling them id say, same with aggression but i very much so struggle with sleep problems because of nightmares from ptsd and chronic pain from fibro, i have not been diagnosed with insomnia but im sure i fit the criteria im just really bad at opening up with doctors/people ect.

These are just a couple more symptoms to help explain,

Cognition – "difficulty regulating attention, problems with a variety of "executive functions" such as planning, judgement, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring, difficulty processing new information, difficulty focusing and completing tasks, poor object constancy, problems with "cause-effect" thinking, and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities."

Self-concept – "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

Alterations in relations with others, including isolation and withdrawal, persistent distrust, a repeated search for a rescuer, disruption in intimate relationships and repeated failures of self-protection.

Loss of, or changes in, one's system of meanings, which may include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Variations in consciousness, including forgetting traumatic events (i.e., psychogenic amnesia), reliving experiences (either in the form of intrusive PTSD symptoms or in ruminative preoccupation), or having episodes of dissociation.

Changes in self-perception, such as a chronic and pervasive sense of helplessness, paralysis of initiative, shame, guilt, self-blame, a sense of defilement or stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings

Now that im done explaining the ptsd, Fibromyalgia

Fibromyalgia is a chronic pain disorder that my doctor believes to be linked to my other disorders, Fibromyalgia has to do with the senses we as humans all have, feeling, hearing, taste, and sight. The difference between someone with fibro and an average healthy person is lets say theres a knob for how strong each of these senses are, so imagine someone taking all those knobs and turning them all the way up to max sensitivity. Youd think oh cool youre like a super hero (like my sister likes to say) but no its the exact opposite, it does not benefit me whatsoever. Feeling, paired with ehlers danlos syndrome both my joints and my muscles are constantly in pain and some days ill have what you call a “flare up” which is where getting out of bed usually isnt an option for my body, i cannot remember the last time i didnt feel at least a dull ache in my head, i get migraines at least once everyday and unfortunately i get nauseous so i dont eat very much . Almost everything is irritating to my skin, a simple light rub of my finger on the top of my forearm is irritating and raw feeling (like ive been sitting there rubbing the same spot for hours) /Writing is over all painful, including typing as well/

If youve ever woken up in the morning with sore muscles from pushing yourself too hard the day before,that is how the muscles in my body feel, if you press on them they ache, and sting/burn when i use them. painful touch for most of my body paired with constant anxiety of getting bumped into/touched is stressful and tiring. On a good day my pain scale is a 5 from 1-10 but thats if im really lucky.

Then theres the weather, if im too hot and i start to sweat, the sweat stings my skin and i end up going into a frenzy of scratching and agony. If its too cold my joints will start to lock up and become painful, its like they freeze and when i move them it feels like im shattering ice in my hand mixed with dull muscle ache. If its a good temperature theres still the feeling and i swear, the sound i can hear of my joints grinding together like two pieces of rubber being rubbed against eachother slowly.

Hearing is also bad, loud sounds are very irritating to my ears and will cause my migraine to get worse.(Talking too loud)Other irritating sounds, paper rubbing against paper roughly making that blblblb sound, high pitched noises of any loudness, squeaks, repetitive beeps ect.

Sight wise turning on lights abruptly is painful and makes my migraine worse, any bright light in general.

Taste doesnt really matter so i wont mention, but because these knobs are turned full blast it means the nerves and pain receptors in my body are being over worked constantly by my brain

And my brain thinks its doing its job by constantly acting like ive been running triathalons.

The recollection of pain comes in avalanches of distress for me. I usually experience the intense turmoil of fibromyalgia in the winter, or whenever cold fronts shatter the air and its frail victims. My limbs cannot contain the strength possible to function during those cold spells. Fibromyalgia’s lengthy sentence comes and goes for some, but, as a teenager, it’s disheartening. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to remember living without every waking moment marked by pain.

The abnormality of fibro weighs on my shoulders when I’m asleep, awake, or anywhere inbetween. I wake up at 4:30 each morning in order to be shuffling around by 6:20 a.m. The heaviness of my body pulls me down and pains me as I take a shower, put on my clothes, and put my small backpack on my shoulder to head out to school. Any sense of touch creates extreme levels of pain for me. Touching my arm, poking my leg, and brushing against my back hurt as much as twisting my ankle. My distraught reaction is a lot like a dog crying in pain and distrust after you accidentally step on its paw. Because im always in pain im always right next to the emotional breaking point, im always on the verge of tears. The smallest things can make me break down.

The pain prohibits me from being a teenager. Thanks to fibro, I cannot dress up in my favorite clothes and be what you call “Extra” everyday as i so much wish to be during the winter. My hands are crooked and shake too much usually to apply makeup. I struggle with applying eyeliner, because my hands hurt too much wrapped around a brush. The uncomfortable school chairs make me weep when I return home, because they destroy my concentration, forcing me to focus on the overwhelming pain I feel. I used to excel in school, but now, I can barely think fast enough, and come off as ditzy. I feel like I’m constantly struggling to maintain the fragments of my intelligence I lost due to fibro medication and fibromyalgia itself.

My GPA, became my ball and chain in school, rather than an accomplishment worth sharing. During the year, my schedule is dictated by the weather. Cold weather causes agonizing, excruciating pain that races down my spine and branches through my limbs. If a cold front passes, rain falls, snow falls, or temperatures drop, I freeze like the Tin Man, except there isn’t any oil to move my joints. The way I get sleep should be considered a torture method. Many people feel refreshed or renewed when they wake up after 8 hours, but I feel completely restless and exhausted. And thats if the nightmares from the PTSD dont interrupt. I toss and turn for hours in pain, because the pain signals interrupt the sleep cycle. I cry intensely whenever I think of sleep; school usually means a lack of sleep, but I am further deprived without choice. My biological system cannot allow me to rest, and continues to tense my muscles in a constant state of flight or fight.

With most schools starting at 8 a.m., my body struggles to run on 8 hours of sleep (which really feels like two). The exhaustion prevents me from hanging out with some of my closest friends. In the early stages of having fibromyalgia, I used to be able to do school clubs, hang out with my best friend, and go to cons with my friends often. Now, I spend my time huddled down, trying to make up for the nights of lost sleep. The lack of sleep and the endless pain contribute to extreme depression. And to keep my mood relatively happy i act like a goose in school with friends which doesnt do me good with teachers, I do it to not break down and let myself get too low around others because i know id regret embarrassing myself like that more than anything. The pain yearns for my thoughts to leap toward suicidal thoughts, and I was obsessed with death for years and still am. There was a time when I searched for ways to end my life, because nobody could help me and I couldn’t face living the rest of my life knowing that I’ll always be in pain. I still have these thoughts, and I believe I always will as long as I emit pain. Hence why i was in the hospital for a week recently, the hopelessness and embarrassment is dragging me down. The whole idea of having fibromyalgia embarrasses me. I’m embarrassed that I am constantly being called crippled, disabled, or chronically ill.Or worse not being noticed at all while struggling. I’m embarrassed that fibromyalgia makes me feel like I’m 67 instead of 16. I’m embarrassed that I will never be able to be an artsy beat poet like Patti Smith, or a rock ‘n’ roll guitarist like Keith Richards.

So i think thats as much as i can cover for you right now with my two of my biggest problems , im extremely exhausted and im not joking when i say my fingers feel like they are gonna fall off haha.

Im terribly sorry for how long this email is but i think i got most everything with these two topics in there, also dont feel obliged to reply to this, im already embarrassed i even wrote all this down (terribly).

Quick thing i would like to say before i end the email, with all respect i am not looking for sympathy in any way. I am simply stating the way i am in hopes that if you understand itll make things less stressful for me and you. So dont feel like you have to do anything for me.

Thankyou for reading if you got this far, really. (btw forwarding this to Mrs. m******d is totally okay with me)

#i was up at 2 am writing this #its kinda gross #but it explains so much

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