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siennahrobek · 3 years

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I had so many ideas on what to write about today but I was scrolling through the Obi-Wan tag during my break and I came across a huge post that had been baffled and a bit crazed. It was labeled about forgiveness and mercy and such but it was like a huge insanely interpreted post about the Jedi Order and some of the characters. Of course I wasn't about to start any sort of argument (and wow was the post long) but I just had to write something, at least, in my own post, unconnected with theirs. I guess this is a reaction and buckle up cause it seems like this is going to be a long one. I have a lot to say and I'm not gonna stop being all anxious about it until I do but uh....

I'm sorry, did we watch the same movies?

They go through a lot of movies and completely do a opposite take on the Jedi; how they are "unattached" (I say this because there are so many misconceptions about the word) and celibate (which we know isn't actually true) and how Anakin becomes living proof why this attitude is wrong.

First of all, it's not an attitude; it is a way of life. One that has worked for thousands of people over millennia. Second; their point WAS proven. Anakin turned to the dark side and became a sith. He committed genocide after genocide (the Jedi, Mandalore, Alderaan, Lasan etc.) and in the end, he only turned back because of his son. Which, may seem good on the surface, but it only goes to show how no other children or people that he murdered actually mattered, it was only his blood child that did. But that's not where I'm going. You don't actually see him regret doing the countless things he has done (probably because he dies) and he only does this because of his blood son. It, for me, gives the impression that blood means everything.

Anyways, there is quite a bit of talk about Obi-Wan and honestly? It is all not good. I'm not blind to Obi-Wan's faults but in general? He is a really good person; he tries so hard and goes through so much and is ugh, always trying. Obi-Wan shows no understanding? What? What? Did we watch the same movie? I mean it has been a while since I have watched Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith (they hurt my heart because ugh) but that is NOT what I remember. I remember Obi-Wan teasing Anakin gently to get his mind off of his anxieties when they were going to see Padme again. I remember Obi-Wan saying "dude don't be a horny teenager" (not in those words obviously, but that was essentially the message). I remember him literally parenting and teaching him - like he's supposed to do. I remember him trusting Anakin to do the right thing and to protect the Senator alone, by himself. I remember Anakin saying he's been having dreams - not visions or anything and nothing specific, just about his mom - and Obi-Wan going "it's alright dude, those pass in time". I mean everyone has DREAMS, that's not beholden to force-sensitives. My dreams sure as heck don't mean anything. Just cause he is a Jedi and COULD have visions, does not mean they are. And he didn't tell Obi-Wan they were visions, he literally says dreams.

(this is about the time that I wish I could work with gifs and understand them)

Anakin is not stronger than Obi-Wan; I mean, really? Sure, more powerful? I guess? But let's go back. Who beats who on Mustafar? Obi-Wan. Who does NOT murder a bunch of children and turn to the dark side? Obi-Wan. Literally, sure, he's more "powerful" with the Force, because I guess that is the whole point but he's not stronger or wiser than Obi-Wan because as Captain Rex said "experience outranks everything" and man, does Obi-Wan have a lot of that.

Let's take a break and go to Shmi. They claim that her death is a dark page in the Jedi's book. I mean, w-what? How can you possibly blame the Jedi for Shmi's death? For not freeing her? Did Qui-Gon even tell the Council that Anakin was a slave? I don't remember, honestly. But still, she ended up freed and married to a man she fell in love with. And if I remember correctly, someone was sent (by Padme maybe? to free her but she was already gone to the Lars' by that point).

Okay, I know it sounds like I am reacting to a post and well I am I suppose. But like, this post is literally blaming the Jedi for Shmi's death and how they did not offer Anakin compassion. And then just to say that it is bothersome how Anakin was solely blamed. Uh, because he was a the perpetrator! How can you possibly justify the MURDER of children. Even though it not the Jedi way, I could understand, sort of, if he went after the people that hurt his mother specifically; probably some of the men/warriors/adults. But the babies? The children? You can literally not justify that. And to blame the Jedi Order and Obi-Wan for not "taking his nightmares seriously?" Are you serious? Anakin mentioned the dream (DREAM) once in passing, there is no indication that he said that she was in danger or that this was a vision. And visions are known to be notoriously unreliable! Not to mention, the Council is responsible for the Jedi as a whole - that is thousands of people.

Alright, now to the war.

There was a claim that throughout the war, the Jedi became more and more aloof, intolerant and unforgiving and determined to win despite the suffering of the people.

What. The. Krutack.

I will include the Clone Wars series, since it was directly referenced in response. Once again, did we watch the same show? Because I'm pretty sure that virtually the whole point of the show, aside from showing us horrible things the CIS did and the individuality of the clones, was the compassion and kindness of the Jedi. How they fought to protect as many people as they could. They were dying alongside the clones. Does anyone remember how kind and caring the Jedi were when they came across civilians. Do you remember how Obi-Wan literally carried and protected with his own body the little Twielek girl, Numa, on Ryloth? Does anyone remember how many NON-Republic planets they helped? I remember them helping even CIS senators and planets that had no ties to the Republic. They helped Mandalore even when they were not part of the Republic. The vast majority of Jedi are shown protecting not only citizens but the clones as well. They are on the front lines - not hidden behind a desk (although some are and that is necessary - tactics and strategy people) and trying to save as many lives as they can, even if it costs them. They inspire creativity and individuality in the clones - this is literally a thing. I could go on and on and on.

Okay, on to Revenge of the Sith - the sadness that will probably haunt my heart forever. We will start with Dooku; specifically when Palpatine tells Anakin to kill him and that he deserves it; it is revenge for cutting off his and whatever. And this, this, post asks if this is an act of mercy for the guy kneeling in front of him (and tells him Obi-Wan later denies him) and like, what? How in the world is that mercy? He murders a defenseless man. Sure, he is the enemy and he is a criminal but he is supposed to stand trial (not to mention all the intelligence Dooku could possible give to help win the war) which is incredibly ironic, considering later, Anakin screams at Mace Windu telling him Palpatine should stand trial (even though he is much more dangerous and more of a threat than Dooku). This is not mercy. This is a handless, defenseless (although evil) man who Anakin does actually kill. It is not mercy.

Anakin has dreams about Padme; similar to his mother. You would think he would have learned his lesson and confided in someone by telling them what was actually happening. Anakin once again, DOES NOT give Yoda any specifics, just that he fears someone he is close to will die. It is claimed that he is lacking empathy and compassion to Anakin's dilemma. WHAT DILEMMA? Anakin won't tell anyone anything that could actually help. What Yoda says is true; like "dude, people die and you have to move on from that. You cannot stop death and you cannot let this fear control you. You have to let go" which is a completely reasonable thing; I mean, hello - grief counseling anyone? Yoda probably thought he was talking about Obi-Wan - who was off on a very dangerous mission against a cyborg that had killed many Jedi and padawans; this seems like a very normal fear. Whether or not Yoda says this in the right way is not really relevant; Anakin knows that he has to let go of what he fears to lose because eventually, no matter what, he will lose it. NOTHING is permanent. Now if Anakin had specified he was having what he thought were visions and the actual person in them, I'm sure Yoda would have said things differently and probably helped him.

(Also, did Padme get any real health care or like??? Was it too much of a secret???)

(The genocide of the people in the Temple is conveniently glossed through with bare mention)

and then Mustafar. Contrary to Padme (apparently) Obi-Wan shows no clemency. ANAKIN MURDERED THE ELDERLY, THE SICK/INJURED AND BABIES in the temple. Not warriors, not even full grown men and women (some would be full grown but all the able bodied were probably out in the war trying to defend the universe). He should NOT be granted clemency. Anyone else would probably have been executed for this direct horrifying act. But they seem to gloss over how Obi-Wan is always on the defensive, not really because Anakin is more overpowering (And Obi-Wan does use a defensive style, Soresu) but because he is trying to give Anakin time to chill out and come to his senses. That is literally how the choreography was designed.

And Obi-Wan's last words were? Harsh? What? If I remember correctly, Obi-Wan says something like "You were supposed to destroy the Sith not join them" and when Anakin screams he hates Obi-Wan, the return is "you were my brother, Anakin, I loved you."

That is heart-breaking and sad, not harsh. How can you look at Obi-Wan's face in this scene and call that harsh? How can your heart not break for him?!

Say what you will about Obi-Wan leaving Anakin without "finishing him off". Whether or not this is a mercy, whatever. First, we needed a reason for Vader to be in the suit. Second, Anakin was unarmed; Obi-Wan doesn't go around killing unarmed enemies, much less loved ones. (Hello, the slaver from the series, anyone? He didn't kill him; it is against his beliefs. Rex killed him). Can you even imagine how Obi-Wan was feeling? How could he possibly kill his brother? Like, I have so many feelings and not enough words ahdkjgkjgjkf. Anakin does suffer and Obi-Wan has no reason to believe that Anakin would survive his injuries. Furthermore, if I remember correctly, Palpatine ship was coming? Also, Obi-Wan had to get to Padme - she was injured and more of a priority. Because she is someone he can try to save - Anakin is long gone - in more ways than one.

Although it claimed that they are not denying the terrible things Anakin has done; that is almost kind of what they are doing. They are literally putting Anakin's choices and agency to the fault of the Jedi - not just individuals but the culture and people. It is literally gone on to say that if he had left with his wife, the worst could have been avoided. What was the worst?

Oh, a mass murderer got his legs cut off and accidently burned alive. Uhm, okay, that sucks but you do realize he committed genocide of his entire family right? And he choked his wife into unconsciousness.

I can't even with humans.

There is not even a note to Palpatine and how he manipulated Anakin for years. No blame at all on the man we need to blame the most - they put all the blame on the Jedi which just. Blows my mind.

The Clone Wars proved there was no right choice for the Jedi - they were doomed to fall. Not because of anything they did - they did everything they could - but because of Palpatine's plans and schemes. I will never, ever agree that the Jedi failed because of themselves. I do not think that the "institution" was destined to fall ( that "institution" lasted for longer than the Republic). The Jedi were trying so hard - they were kind and good and compassionate and trying so hard for peace and saving as many lives as they could. The Sith were evil. The CIS was evil. The Senate was corrupt. And the Jedi were trying.

There is so much Jedi-blaming for Anakin's attitude, disposition and choices it is literally driving me insane. Why did I do this to myself?

Things delve into a New Hope and immediately there is bashing of the jedi; where Obi-Wan cuts some guy's arm off at a Cantina and Obi- Wan "lying" that Vader killed Anakin. Which, honestly, I could see that being true. Him being Anakin's murderer, at least. Vader may have Anakin's body but even he claims that he killed Anakin Skywalker. Anakin, at least, how he thought he was, was loyal and passionate and loving - or at least he tried to be. Vader is literally none of these things; there is very little of "Anakin" in Vader. And at first glance, it may seem that Obi-Wan and Yoda are setting Luke up to kill "his father" but honestly, I see it more as preparing him to fight Vader and kill him, if necessary. It's a horrible thing, but they do not outright say anything. And honestly, they were right. Vader is willing to kill Luke - he cuts off his hand and fights him. Okay, I have so much to say about this but that is for another time; i will digress about this particular point (of lying and such)

Luke, apparently, decides to forgive Vader and show him mercy (which is claimed the Jedi and Obi-Wan NEVER did for Anakin, no matter what he did for them which is such BS I'm virtually crying rn)

There is a lengthy talk about Luke trying to rebuild the Jedi culture and how it crushed him, his contrast with Obi-Wan's attitude and shame(?) and how trying to be a Jedi has caused him to fail. Because apparently Luke is the only one who apologized and that makes him different I guess? (How many times has Obi-Wan apologized and thought things were his fault even though they weren't?)

I won't get into the Sequel Trilogy because honestly, it does very little to interest me. I am mostly a Prequel- era person mostly because I love Obi-Wan and the strength and compassion of his character. Finn seemed really interesting to me and man I thought having a female Jedi character would be really great - we had some fantastic female Jedi such as Ahsoka, Shaak Tii, Depa Billaba and so many more - but they were rarely the focus and I thought it would be fun. But, I was a bit disappointed because killing off Han Solo the way they did? Eh. Didn't care for it. I was also in the era of Mara Jade, Jacen and Jaina Solo, Anakin Solo and Ben Skywalker (Luke's son) so perhaps I was a little bias. I didn't really understand why Leia and Han would name their child after someone that they didn't really know (although I do have a headcanon concerning Leia and Obi-Wan which I find hilarious that I love).

I didn't particularly care for the Sequel Trilogy. They made it a Skywalker show and they did an emphasis on romantic love and from what I recall from what I have watched, the majority of the characters weren't nearly as interesting or compelling to me. And then bringing Palpatine back, sighs. Why does it always come back to him? That is just exhausting.

I'm not hating on the Sequels; everyone is allowed to like things or whatever. I just didn't; they focused so much on Rey and Kylo Ren (who I actually have a bit of an opinion on but I won't right now) instead of the more intriguing characters. I would have been much more interested in Finn as a Jedi. To overcome what he has been through as a stormtrooper and becoming a Jedi would be a really interesting story. I didn't care for how they handled Luke. And I didn't like how Rey apparently became a master so fast without any real training? Even Anakin, the Chosen One, the most powerful force-wielder, had ten years of training under Obi-Wan and the Jedi. That stuff doesn't just...come; you learn it.

I wrote more about the Sequel Trilogy than I care too. I suppose this is a rather reaction post but wow; I felt like me and this person had watched two separate movie trilogy/shows. It boggles my mind on how people can get the opposite of something that was so clearly shown. I hope I didn't upset anyone too bad. I'm not hear to start a fight, just to get out some feelings.

I wrote this all instead of homework that I desperately need to do. Sighs.

I need to go through my likes and read some good Jedi content cause man, that, that was hard.

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spookyvalentine · 3 years

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oc profile:

thanks for the tag @aceghosts !! i always have so much fun doing these. imma snag @irikahkrios @battlemastershepard @vizarding @comefeedtherainn @yellingaboutmasseffect @zet-sway and have at it if ye wish me mateys!

General-

Name: mercy shepard (no middle name)

Alias(es): shep, coach (from sports coach au)

Gender: agender

Age: i haven’t quite figured out how long i hc 3 to be, but by the end of it, maybe thirty four, fiveish? if you count the years their body was on the table. mercy... doesn’t really. at least start of 2, when asked their age usually what fell out of their mouth first was thirty one. (for sports coach au they’ve just turned thirty one)

Birthdate: april 11? 2154. day isn’t really known for sure? they were found several days old

Place of birth: unknown! but they were left at st. bernard parish fire department, louisiana while still a fresh baby

Hometown: their most stable home was around lake martin, when they were taken in by the henrys. around thirteen they went to juvie in new orleans, and that started their urban feral teenager life. eventually they move out to another megacity (havent figured out which one yet lmao) and meets kasumi

Spoken language(s): they’re pretty adept without the translator. mercy is fluent in english and creole, passable french and korean, and readily picks up phrases in other languages. after being reconstructed, a translator was literally built into mercy. they resent its presence sometimes.

Sexual preference: open. they’ve been too damn busy to even think to seek out experiences, but aesthetically admire all sorts

Occupation: spectre and alliance officer. enormous pain in the ass before that

Appearance-

Eye color: gold. not hazel or brown ‘til in the light type thing. when anderson first saw those odd lantern eyes it made him think of the foxes that liked to linger at the edges of his parents garden when he was growing up

Hair color: somewhere between summer wheat and spun gold. darkens a little, when not planetside

Height: 6’2 >:)

Scars: they have some from the thresher maw, some acid scars on the left side of their body like thick webbing that cut through parts of a tattoo. maybe got part of their ear. and one they got as a kid that sliced across their face. and then they were rebuilt, and what was left in their place were those glowing lines. (sports coach au they still have the thresher maw scars)

Favorite-

Color: greens

Hair color: favorite hair color on them??? they’ve never dyed their hair before, only crazy haircuts

Song: its not mercy’s favorite song bc i dont know how i’d even choose right, but the song that i have in my head for them is falcon in the dive from the musical the scarlet pimpernel (which fucks severely, also just do yourself a favor and listen to this too because christine andreas makes my heart stop beating. wow. WOW yes i will push it on everyone)

Food: clementines, satsumas, mandarins—any sweet citrus that peels easily (oranges are more work, but will be eaten if they’re around). persimmons, figs. cotton candy flavored grapes. cherries, peaches. they’re a very big fruit bat, basically. they get hype for an alien produce stand

Drink: day to day? chicory coffee, lapsang souchang, soda water. Sometimes lemonade or apple juice. for booze, theyre down for a beer. really likes a good whiskey. delights trying homebrew moonshine. ‘you made it in your bathtub? you went blind for two minutes? hell yeah i’ll have a glass cheers’

Have They-

Passed university: they went through officer academy and all that n7 training, does that count?

Had sex: once in a relationship w thane, yeah boiii

Had sex in public: …maybe? that is um. something to explore

Gotten pregnant: never, also not possible

Kissed a boy: yes, although for these situations ‘been kissed by’ is maybe more accurate

Kissed a girl: yes, see above

Gotten tattoos: yep! they have two large pieces from before being arrested and negotiated into joining the alliance. they start under the jaw and both sides of the neck, going across the shoulders, along and down the arms, coming to an end on the forearms, and they shelled out for that fancy ink, that’s a little bit holographic/iridescent, where the colors would shift and glint in the light as they moved. obviously they’re gone when miranda rebuilds mercy, but they’re absolutely still around in the sports coach au

Gotten piercings: had a handful of ear piercings as a teen, but has mostly stopped wearing them, for practical reasons

Been in love: falling in love for the first time

Stayed up for more than 24 hours: oh lmao yes for sure

Are They-

A virgin: not anymore babeyyyyy

A cuddler: with people they are very close to

A kisser: oh yeah, big time. really into it now

Scared easily: nope! if anything, has adrenaline junkie tendencies

Jealous easily: nah. sometimes when they were a teen growing up on the streets, but not anymore

Dominant: in bed? still figuring things out there. maybe sometimes. in life? they’re not domineering, but will shout people down if it comes to it

Submissive: also still figuring that out in bed ;) absolutely not in other situations tho. if theyre being submissive theyre usually up to something

In love: learning what its like

Single: not once mercy realizes what they’re feeling for thane (there was a lot of facepalming from kasumi and frustrated yelling on this one)

Random Questions (tw for self harm/suicide mention)-

Have they harmed themselves: i mean, through some of their harebrained, reckless ideas where the possibility of getting hurt is assured but they don’t care, yes

Thought of suicide: maybe a little, after akuze

Attempted suicide: no

Wanted to kill someone: oh absolutely homie

Have / had a job: yeah, pulling peoples heads outta asses

Have any fears: oh for sure, mind control and zombies, and even though now they know how to kill one down absolutely dead--thresher maws

Family

Sibling(s): none, but kasumi is basically one

Parent(s): unknown. they had some foster parents (adoption was never approved) that offered mercy some important years of shelter

Children: no biological kids. but they feel powerfully parental feelings for grunt, jack and tali. kolyat and oriana too, eventually. in sports coach au though (more details to follow soon), jack is theirs. after akuze they got on the scent of cerberus early, and therefore busted down pragia while jack was still a lil kid, who pretty much imprinted on mercy

Significant other: thane, and in sports coach au, irikah + thane

Pet(s): their fish. they’ve got names like hand roll, don and chip

#LMAO NOT ME POSTING LEAVING PARTS BLANK ok fixed and updated #the sports coach au continues to build #hold onto yalls butts #oc: mercy shepard #themshep #mass effect #commander shepard #shrios

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maiuowrites · 4 years

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Story Time.

Let me tell you a Story...

A Story of a young Monster that was created by Greed and Hunger for Power.

...But Refused to Bend & Lose To Cruelty That It Ruled By...

It all started when Monsters were thrown and tossed into their new World of Hell, due to losing the War with Humans and Mages alike.

As Life Underground got used to how their new World was coming, the first Homeground coming to a finish after many months of chaos and havoc, there came a Mysterious Monster who was more than odd.

The Monster was made of Bone, had an image of Human Anatomy, and the dark color of Green like a forest in the dim moonlight. Despite the suspicions, able to deter any information of himself of where he may have come from, able to talk in a strange language of what others would call ‘Other Worldly’ as his main language, he proved himself worthy of not only being that of a Being of Pure Magic; But becoming that of Royalty Aid for the Scientist.

This Monster had deemed himself; W. D. Gaster.

Though Gaster was not able to completely pass by one Monsters ingenious, who called himself Dr. River, he was able to pass all the others and become that of a Professor, a Second hand in command.

The Professor didn’t enjoy this, no… His greed and hunger for power carved him to work hours within the weeks, months, and slowly within the Years to try and best this Monster. Though, no matter what the Professor did, it had failed…

Until he got the brilliant idea to not just sit and wait for a Soul to come; But to Create them, instead...

It took years of trying; Putting more and more of his own Magic in along with many others, the Professor had gone practically Insane to create Life. The issue was though, within the years of research and constantly trying, he had the conclusion…

Why Not Create A Life To Help Him Achieve His Glory?...

The Glory of taking over the Royal Scientist, and then; The whole Kingdom.

With the information at his disposal, he set forth to creating a Souling of a dull white. For a True child to form, all Monsters knew you had to have these components;

Love, Hope, Compassion

But The Professor was able to gather something similar in secret from those who fell into their World through all the years... And in secret, he had gained similar ingredients from the bodies;

Fascination, Dream, Apprehension

Success followed as these essences formed, having a Young Monster grow within secrecy, while also growing faster than normal Soulings of the Monster community once fully formed. The Professor watched as his experiment was showing signs of being more intelligent than those of his age, quickly becoming talented of who he was fated to become.

Professor Gaster had HoPe rising due to the positive outlook he was seeing in such a quick time, needing what the Creature could do to gain what the Insane Professor had deemed his from years ago. With this, he had begun to teach him how to do a few simple tasks around the Labs, but saw the Creature was quickly picking up things even he was doing…

Dials, mixing certain vials, calculating, and even going to the point of processing the right outcomes came swiftly to this Young Being...

Due to being a creation of Science, the Insane Professor was aiming for an instrument of Destruction, not what he was seeing, and didn't desire a ‘Helper’...

When the time came to take the Creature out to test his killing ability, they started out strongly. Incredible powers the Creature held within his Soul as he fought stronger ones, paired with a smart ability to Think, To Act, To Fight.

Though the Creature had a fault, which royally annoyed the Professor...

Many Monsters that were in front of The Young Monster were older to the point they were slowly dusting, Souls barely holding on by mere threads of DT that put them in agonizing pain. Those, he quickly figured killing them quickly and as painlessly as he could.

When paired with younger ones... He wouldn’t. Couldn’t...

Looking at the eyes of those who were innocent before him; How fearful, how they trembled before both him and who he called ‘Father’, the Young Monster felt something within.

Yes… What he felt was Mercy.

To give Mercy would be a good ordeal, to give them freedom of this place, but their eyes... Their eyes showed so much Spark, a Spark he never seen before that was missing from the older ones who he easily gave peace to.

The Young Monster couldn’t force himself to do a single thing to these others... Couldn’t give them Mercy, his ability slowly making his Soul wrench in pain.

But in a world of Kill Or Be Killed...

...That Would Kill Him.

In the end, the Young Monster refused for the younger ones. The Professor thought nothing much of this at first... Until it became a growing habit.

After much planning, time quickly passing by that he couldn’t give much of, the Professor made a hasty decision. To create a fake creature, using it as a Kin to the Younger Monster... He used manipulation to give HoPe that if he was ‘Good’, that he ‘Passed’ his tests, he would in turn give the Young Monster all he desired...

A Family.

What the Insane Professor didn’t expect was that the Fake Creature had begun to take a true form thanks to a Certain Being...

For months, the Professor didn’t realize the mistake, but the Young Monster quickly took notice…

At first, the Young Monster never had the courage to walk out of his cell before, the room he was always forced to stay in being his prison yet safe place. It was the place where he could be him, enjoy what little freedom he had before the Professor came to collect.

That was, until something started to call to him… For him.

Or rather for anything, anyone.

Curiosity followed soon after, the Young Monster gaining courage the more something tugged with no signs of stopping.

When the Young Monster finally had enough courage to sneak out, he used the darkness to his advantage as trained, following the sound? No, feeling? The Young Monster couldn’t place his fingers on it, but he was led to the Experimentation Room.

There within, was a smaller creature; Who looked like him…

A Small Skeleton Monster; No bigger than his chest; Curled and wrapped with its own limbs.

When the small Creature looked from the tube, when pure white eye lights glanced at the Young Monster; It Smiled…

The Tugging the Young Monster felt soon after, was the Bond as it only strengthened as the child reached for him, before slowly going back to sleep.

In that moment…

The Young Monster felt as if the Bond had almost broken instantly as the reading on the machines began to go, the young Soul slowly fading before him.

Quickly, the Young Monster rushed to view the unreadable status of the Child. Desperate, he skimmed through it all quickly, noticing certain levels were downas he blindlessly pressed all he could to get them to stabilize the Child.

Trial and error, the Young Monster was able to finally help the Child, who in his very being; Knew that he was his Brother…

He had one, a younger Sibling…

Nearby on a work table laid papers… On one in bold letters held the name; Sans.

There was another file, which he took and looked through, only to slowly deflate before outright turning horror stricken at the information he found…

This Child-...

Wasn’t meant to be.

#Swapfell Story #Swapfell #Swapfell Red #Professor W.D.Gaster #He is an absolute Bastard #SF!Papyrus #SF!Sans #SF!Gaster #SF!RiverPerson #Maiuo #MaiuoWrites #MaiuoStory #Story 1 #More to come

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firebirdsdaughter · 3 years

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Small things that kill me…

… The look on Vergil’s face when Nero gives the ‘Dante’s not going to die up here and neither are you’ speech.

Honestly… Just all of his interactions w/ Nero in that scene.

Vergil’s a fucking dumbass who has no clue how to person at this point, he’s a complete wreck who may or may not have known he had a kid before the whole incident w/ Mundus, but now he’s even less equipped to deal w/ it, he has precious little if any practice not being at the least indifferent at the most hostile…

I think one of Vergil’s big issues is indifference, to the consequences for his actions, especially for others, for what others think, for himself in many ways… While V did develop a bit, enough to realise splitting himself in half caused massive, destructive consequences for countless people. Sure, maybe he couldn’t have predicted (which I don’t think he did) that Urizen would go that bonkers, but setting half a demon loose on the world would generally be a bad idea, to say nothing of ripping someone’s arm off in order to do so (the extreme indifference again, causing him to be unable to properly ask for help—I don’t think he enjoyed or ‘wanted’ to ‘hurt’ Nero, but the consequences never crossed his mind; to him, it was just something he had to do to survive, that was all that mattered). And that’s all a result of what he went through ever since the attack—I have this whole ramble about how I think his and Dante’s fighting styles reflect the (both unhealthy in their own way) way in which they reacted to that traumatic event—but bc he’s been fending for himself since eight, w/ only the Yamato on hand, he’s downright dangerously/extremely self sufficient/obsessed with being completely self reliant. Like the Phantom of the Opera’s ‘the world showed no compassion to me’ except really. His entire life was just about getting through the day, he had it drilled into him by experience that he could only truly trust himself, that he needed to be able to do things entirely on his own—to the point that even after being ripped apart, pretty much literally, by Mundus, he still can’t ask for help. It is a result of his trauma, but it means he has very limited skill in thinking of other people. Like, if we get a future game w/ him as one of the protags, I feel like that would be something he’d absolutely struggle w/, being more aware of others. That it would take him twice as long to react/do things that might take others like Dante or Nero a moment bc he has to actively make himself think about others, forcibly train himself to do that.

Anyway, I’m going off topic. My thought is… Vergil’s definitely not, at first glance, or even second glance, or third, parent material. I love the character, he’s a walking disaster. He’s no good at thinking of others, and is indifferent to what others think of him. I think he still loved Dante in his own, very damaged way, but he’d rallied himself against that feeling for so long, considered it weakness and shut it out, that he likely won’t be able to express it in any understandable way for a long time. And on the inverse, he can’t conceive of, for instance, Dante actually caring about him—like… He doesn’t think he matters to anyone either, puts no emotional value in himself. If that makes any sense? Like… Even when he does encounter compassion, he rejects and suspects it… Dante is a weird case, but I do see Vergil not understanding that he matters to anyone. He’s indifferent to everyone, including himself, and he doesn’t expect any more care or affection from others than he shows—like he’s not one of those jerks who expects people to like him despite being a jerk, he’s just largely given up on relationships (he either thinks they only bring pain, or that, like his softer feelings for Dante, they are weakness).

And I think he went up there to die. Pride and stubbornness prevented him from surrendering, but he had at least some idea of the enormity of the consequences of his actions. At the least, he knew he’d majorly fucked up and caused a lot of pain. I think his intentions were similar to that of Griffon and crew—face Dante one last time, fight all out bc his own pride wouldn’t let him do any less, and leave it up to fate. I don’t think he expected to kill Dante, just that he couldn’t not fight his hardest, out of respect and bc it was his nature. But he had no illusions over his probability of survival. The only reason he did throw the sheath away this time was that it wasn’t a ‘suicidal blaze of glory’ like I think fighting Mundus might’ve been, but more of a trial by combat, to him. Dante, meanwhile, was just assuming/accepting that he was going to have to take his brother out again, and he likely wasn’t planning on ever coming back from that, either (which I don’t think Vergil realised), either by dying in the fight, too, or going into hell on his own.

But then Nero shows up. Now I think V and therefore Vergil were at least aware that Nero and Dante mattered to each other, bc Dante’s the kind and caring one and Nero’s a good kid. Like, I’m sure he was aware of that.

I don’t think he’s surprised Nero interrupted (that form probably was unexpected, but Nero objecting in general or trying to rejoin the fighting wasn’t completely unthinkable) or that Nero was defending Dante.

I think what catches him off guard is the ‘and neither are you.’

He ripped Nero’s arm off and then knowingly deceived him as V, and on top of that, turns out Nero is his son who he pretty much abandoned (like we don’t know the details of when and why Vergil left, or if he knew, but the fact is, he made choices that resulted in him not being there for Nero). And that’s to say nothing of all the hell Urizen caused. Basically, a list of things that would generally result in Nero falling into the same category as everyone else—another burned bridge, another person who hates him, and Vergil is quick to close doors. He expects no consideration from Nero, no more than he’s shown, and V was aware they had horribly hurt Nero (esp since V was weaponising Nero’s issues surrounding that).

But instead of just completely writing Vergil off like Vergil expects, Nero extends this declaration of ‘not dying’ to him as well. Sure, Vergil immediately tries to throw up the usual prideful walls what w/ that ‘if I beat Nero I win by default’ stuff, but then he later tries to get Nero to stand down rather than continuing the fight, saying it has nothing to do w/ him [Nero], and then his reaction to Nero’s ‘it has everything to do w/ me’… He just doesn’t know how to react to Nero? He expects one thing, but Nero just keeps defying his assumptions (which takes some mighty powerful heart and compassion on Nero’s part bc while I do see Vergil as incredibly tragic and don’t think he’s fully ‘responsible’ for Urizen’s actions, Nero doesn’t have a lot of that info, but he’s making the decision that this is fucked up and no family of his is going to kill each other—so anyway while I do love me the angsty drama dads, let me just say I love Nero, too).

It’s with Nero that bits of his awkward, ‘tsundere’ side come out, ever so slightly. He and Dante have trapped themselves in a pattern, Dante bc he’s Tired and has just resigned himself to the necessity of it an wants to get it over w/ and Vergil bc at his core he’s afraid to try anything else bc he sees it as weakness. But I said this before, I think Nero being his son and Nero being… How Nero is, all heart and and good and warm and compassionate, to the point that he’s defying not just the ‘inevitability’ of Vergil and Dante being at odds, but literally fighting to save him, after all he’s done… I think that meant something.

Obviously, it’s not going to be simple or easy, and I do think that, now that he’s been given hope that he can get through to Vergil and not have to kill him (which I think he’d concluded was a sort of mercy kill?), Dante is the best person for Vergil to get used to his emotions etc. w/ bc they have that deep understanding of each other and what happened, esp now, but… I love how Nero cracked his shell there? Like… He’s not really prepared for it, but I think I can see Vergil wanting to at least try to be some kind of parental, esp after he’d recovered a bit more? And I do think he’d also respect if Nero ultimately told him to get lost (although I can seem him, like, watching from afar or something), even now, bc again w/ the whole I think he has no expectations of what others think of him, but… I do see him wanting (and maybe having trouble accepting that he wants it, at first) to be part of Nero’s life in some way? Esp in a vein of… Wanting to preserve Nero’s ‘goodness’ for lack of a deeper word? Bc I can see a slightly more recovered post dmc5 Vergil not wanting his son to fall down the same holes he did. Like, they’ve all gone through trauma, and lost people, but Vergil is now very aware that he ended up hurting and even killing people and very nearly destroying himself and going absolute monster, to the point his twin brother, who understood him on another level, in their own way, resigned to having to kill him to stop it (I genuinely think for all his talk, Dante did see it as a bit of a mercy kill, the only way he could preserve the last shreds of the brother he loved and keep Vergil from actually going Full Urizen [V even existing means that Vergil wasn’t completely gone, but I think he was on thin ice]). Dante’s already dragged into this by the very same events that placed him there, but Nero has a chance not to be, which I think was part of his ‘this has nothing to do w/ you’ thing, and I totally see Vergil following that sentiment and wanting to keep Nero from ever turning out like him.

Vergil’s probably never going to be ‘nice’ or very good at empathy or things like that. It may forever take him more willpower to think about others. He may need to start small (like just Nero and/or Dante). He’ll probably still be insensitive for years to come. He’ll never be able to be as easily open and compassionate as Nero and Dante. And he knows he can’t change the past, can’t undo the Arkham incident, or what he did to Nero, or the fact that his stubbornness, pride, inability to ask for help, obsessive habits, and indifference/inconsideration for consequences had calamitous results. He’s not magically good or saved bc he has a kid, but I think even just knowing about and seeing Nero act the way he did resonated w/ something he thought he’d lost a long time ago. Nero and V’s interactions have a whole new light for him now. I absolutely think if Dante’s willing the twins should stick together bc they balance each other, Dante can watch him, won’t take his shit, and wants to help him be better, but… I think even if that didn’t happen… There’s a chance just knowing Nero exists and is so… Good could enough of a catalyst for Vergil to find a different way to live, even on his own. Like there’s a sense of pride? Not in the vein of taking responsibility for Nero turning out as good as he did, but, like, in the way people sometimes say ‘I’m sorry’ like ‘I’m sorry that you are sad’ as in ‘I am expressing sympathy for your sadness.’ Pride that Nero has achieved this, and is strong in his own right. If that makes sense.

He will always be rather an asshole. But, esp if he has some support for his issues and someone watching him… He can do better. Like… Do better. He’ll always be stiffer and pricklier than everyone else, he’ll probably be more pragmatic, think more w/ logic than w/ heart. Emotions and empathy and compassion will always be hard.

But those interactions (and, honestly, that whole ending, even more honestly, the themes of the whole game), def gave me the impression that he could absolutely do better.

… I just went on a total stream of consciousness ramble, so, uh, virtual treat of your choice if you read all that.

#DMC #today on Fire was looking at gifs and had Feelings #TT^TT #I'm not gonna tag much bc I typed SO MUCH in this post DX #I should really give the fam precious tags I love all three of them so much #Demon Drama Fam

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trashyswitch · 4 years

Text

The Imperfections of a Dragon Slayer

Roman is proud of all that he's accomplished. He's managed to convince the other sides that he's a strong dragon slayer with no weaknesses. Zero. None. The Dragon couldn't best him even if it tried! But Remus is ruining his plans, and trying to bring a specific weakness into the light of day... In front of all the sides...

I'm back from the Cottage, and I had an amazing time! Lots of family time and socializing, but it feels nice to be back in my comfy bed with the mixed smell of my dog and the Japanese Cherry Blossom aroma filling my bedroom.

I missed you all!

There have been multiple times where Remus has been evil to Roman. But not to the point of physically harming him. He knows that as a side, he can’t die or get severely injured. The worst he can experience is passing out from a head injury. And even THAT doesn’t last long. Instead, he would just annoy Roman. A lot.

Roman has used decades of his childhood to convince the sides that he is a strong, tough side with a bit of femininity and lots of experience. Being the dragon slayer meant training for his fights, practicing his sword fighting agility and being the ultimate savior when no one else can be.

But Remus on the other hand, has been spending time trying to prove to every side that Roman is also imperfect just like him. In the past, this would come up as being defeatable in combat, being to feminine (therefore sensitive) to be macho, and using annoying tactics to prove even annoying the dragon slayer can make him crumble. But one day, Remus had an epiphany: tickling can be used in his plans as well! Tickling is a harmless act that can weaken a person simply by a few touches on the ribs or armpits! The general idea that a man with a tough exterior can be taken down through a childish act, is usually a satisfying concept when done properly. Plus: Roman can’t possibly get mad at him if he’s laughing his head off. So, it’s a win-win situation!

Remus went through a long phase of using tickling against his brother in the most annoying moments. He tickled him while he hung onto the monkey bars, he tickled him while he practiced his sword fighting, and he even tickled him each and every time Roman quoted anything along the lines of ‘I am tough’ or ‘no one can defeat me’. This funny information was soon taken by the sides and ultimately used against Roman in his most annoying moments.

One day, Patton walked into Remus’s room with a new idea. “What if: everytime Roman tries to deny that he’s a weakling, we give him a raspberry?” Patton suggested.

Remus jumped up and threw his arms around Patton almost immediately. “You’re a GENIUS! AN ABSOLUTE GENIUS!” Remus shouted to him.

While the father was being hugged, Patton giggled and began explaining the plan…

[An hour later]

Roman had been walking around and showing off his big man muscles. “Look at these huge man guns! They’ll truly take every gay man’s breath away…” Roman declared before shoving his muscles into Logan’s face.

Logan, being completely unphased by the muscles, just kept on reading despite the smell of girly deodorant filling his nose. “Wow. You can flex your muscles. I’m astonished.” Logan said in the most monotone voice.

This sarcastic comment ended up making Roman angry. “How dare you! I bet I can beat you in an arm wrestle easily.” Roman declared.

Remus perked up at Roman’s challenge. Would this be their chance?

Logan sighed. “You’re right. You could beat me in an arm wrestle. But that’s only one type of challenge.” Logan explained.

Roman frowned. He wanted to challenge Logan. Remus frowned as well, but for a completely different reason altogether. He wanted to see Roman get tickled again.

“And even if we did do an arm wrestling challenge, I’m pretty sure someone in this group would start tickling you.” Logan added bluntly. Roman’s face morphed into anger, with some fear mixed in. Remus smirked. He’s tickled Roman so much, that people are teasing him about it now! Remus also mentally took a note that Logan was on his side.

“I-...W-well, Remus is ticklish too.” Roman mentioned, pointing at his twin brother.

Remus widened his eyes in surprise. Did...did Roman seriously try to pin this on him?! Thankfully, Remus was already perfectly confident with showing them his own imperfections. So, Remus smiled evilly.

“You’re right. I am. Especially on the feet and hips.” Remus outwardly said. Roman’s face grew so angry, it was almost laughable!

...Let me rephrase that: it WAS laughable. Patton ended up giggling out loud at the bickering.

“But why would you tickle Remus? He’s just gonna stink up the room with the smell of Limburger cheese.” Logan commented as if Remus wasn’t even there.

“But wouldn’t you want the room smelling like the world famous Belgium?” Remus asked in a mock dutch accent.

“It’s not that bad.” Roman admitted. Roman, being his twin, has had to get used to his brother’s overall smell. Therefore: he’s gone somewhat nose-blind to him.

Virgil snickered and muttered something.

Roman walked right up to Virgil’s face. “What did you just say?” Roman reacted, sensing an idea of what he might’ve said.

“I said ‘foot fetish’.” Virgil replied back with a smirk. Remus snickered at Virgil’s bluntness.

“I do not!” Roman argued.

“You basically just said ‘I would sacrifice Remus’s feet smell in order to expose how ticklish his feet are. Therefore: you have a foot fetish.” Virgil replied.

“Or nose-blindness.” Logan added.

“Or both.” Virgil added on top of that.

“True. There’s only so much you can blind your nose from, when a person’s smelly feet are involved.” Logan commented.

Remus got up and walked up behind Roman. “Besides: Why try and tickle me, when I could just tickle you right now?” Remus teased as he started poking his sides and tickling his ribs.

Roman started yelping and grunting in surprise, and attempted to wiggle himself out of Remus’s grip. In response, Remus lifted up an arm and started scratching in his exposed armpit.

“HEHEY! REMUSYOUEVIHIHIHIHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Roman yelled, falling into laughter almost right away.

“Let’s make a new challenge:” Remus suggested. “But first: I’m gonna need a volunteer to hold Roman’s arms up for me.” Remus explained as he stopped tickling.

“I’ll do it!” Patton declared. Patton summoned a foldable foot stool and unfolded it, before standing on top of the stool with Roman’s arms now in his hands.

Roman gulped at the vulnerable position, and attempted to tug on the grip. But he couldn’t get his hands out. He tried giving Patton a pleading face, but Patton had a confident, smug facial expression. “I...I’m scared. Why does Patton look like he’s going to tickle me to death?” Roman asked.

Patton looked at Remus and giggled at the thing in the mustached man’s hand: a feather. Remus walked slowly in front of Roman, and started spinning the feather in Roman’s face. Roman could feel a wobbly smile starting to form on his lips. Then, Remus started moving the feather around. Back and forth he flutters it to tease the man. Remus moved the feather closer and farther from the twin’s face, as to give him false stress as well as false safety.

“I can just tell this feather is making you veeeeery nervous. There’s drops of sweat practically drawing themselves onto your face.” Remus teased.

Finally, the feather touched down against Roman’s chin. Roman’s eyes widened in horror and slight excitement, as slight giggles started creeping up in his lungs. Then, Remus started gently fluttering the feather under his chin. This feathery lightness made Roman want to curl in and just give into the giggles. But he had to keep his composure better than that!

So, Roman held on as best as he could. “I sense your bravery. But can you resist the feeling of the feather moving around?” Remus asked with a smirk.

Roman could feel more tears of nervous sweat falling down his face. He can handle something like that. It’s just super light tickling. Not even laugh-worthy. It’s not the type of laughter that would take your breath away quickly. So, it should be possible, and even easy!

...Right?

Remus started moving the feather down the neck and slowly down the shoulder. The feather was dragged down the front of his shoulder at an insanely slow pace...and into his exposed armpit. Roman’s eyes widened to the size of donuts, when he felt the ticklish sensation of a feather tip in the deep middle of his armpit.

“R-Remus...Plehease dohon’t.” Roman begged. To that, Remus only smirked and started drawing little circles in his armpit. “Plehehehease! Ihihit’s sohoho slohohow!” Roman giggled helplessly.

“Slow, you say?” Remus teased in a low voice. Suddenly, the feather started moving towards the bottom of his armpit and started making circles again. Roman’s giggles started to hint to Remus that he was becoming a nervous wreck. This was worse than being tickled while dangling from the monkey bars. This was worse than being surprise attacked. This was pure suspense, unpredictability and little to no mercy. But the irony was: there was very little tickling actually happening! So how were these little bits of tickling already driving him up the wall?!

Remus started moving the feather down the side of his ribs. Slow scribbles of the feather tip could be felt as it climbed itself down towards Roman’s squishy side. Remus’s careful maneuvering made every touch feel as light as it possibly can be.

“Ihi-...Ihihihi...Remus, cohohome ohohon!” Roman begged.

“What’s wrong, Roman? A little too light for you to handle?” Patton asked in an innocent voice.

Roman whined. Every light touch made it almost impossible for Roman to keep his sane composure. Everything in him was screaming for him to laugh, but the super light touches weren’t allowing him to have a full giggle fit. But the longer he resisted, the more his instincts would kill him. Even if he let out giggles, the giggles would come out in super short spurts. There wasn’t enough ticklish touch for him to let out a satisfyingly long giggle, let alone a laugh. So the poor man HAD to resist!

The feather moved itself to Roman’s stomach, and started scribbling and drawing madly on his stomach. Finally, he could let out a proper giggle.

“Ohohohokahahahahay. Thisisehevil. Sohohoho ehehevihihil. You twohohoho ahare soho dehehehead ahahafteher thihihihis!” Roman warned.

In retaliation, Remus moved the feather to Roman’s belly button.

“eeeEEEK! NOHO! NOHOHO BEHEHELLY BUHUHUTTOHON!” Roman yelled half-heartedly.

“But why not? Truly it can’t be that bad. I’m barely touching you.” Remus teased slyly.

Roman shot Remus an angry look. “Yohohou ahahass...Ihihihi’m soho gohonna kihihihill yohohou ahafter thihihis.” Roman swore.

“Okay. That’s it.” Patton declared. The father waved away Remus’s feather before letting go, kneeling down, and blowing a HUMONGOUS raspberry on Roman’s belly!

“hehEHEHEHEHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! PAHAHAHATTYYYYYY! NOHOHOHO!” Roman screamed, not at all expecting that. The feeling of finally fully laughing felt good at first. But now, Roman was expecting the worst from the father figure.

Remus gasped. “Patton! You were supposed to hold him up! Not take over!” Remus yelled at him. His plan was utterly ruined now thanks to Patton.

“You’re being too slow and light on him. What this man needs...is to be dying of laughter!” Patton told him. Then, Patton blew a raspberry close to Roman’s hip.

“NAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Roman laughed hysterically.

“But...being incredibly slow WAS killing him!” Remus whined, before frowning and pointing his finger at Patton. “You just have no patience!” Remus accused.

“I do! I just chose not to take the super slow route. As a loving father to everyone in this room, I feel the need to take over the role as the lead tickle monster.” Patton declared as he squeezed Roman’s hips multiple times.

“BAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! TIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!” Roman continued to laugh.

“Well, that’s not fair! I know my brother better than everyone here! I’m his twin brother! Therefore: I should be the lead tickle monster in this situation.” Remus argued as he tickled Roman’s lower back ribs.

Roman squeaked and leaned himself backwards, before covering his mouth with his hands and letting out squeals with his laughter.

“And yet: I raised you two! I held you two when you were teeny, tiny babies! Therefore: I am the ultimate tickle monster!” Patton declared as he moved his left hand up to Roman’s armpit.

"IHIHIHIHIHIHIHI'M DYHYHYHYHYHYIHIHIHIHIHING! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Roman screamed.

“If that’s the case, then maybe Thomas himself should be the lead tickle monster.” Remus suggested as he tickled Roman’s strong abs.

Roman doubled over and actually started snorting! It took everything in Logan not to laugh at him for that. So, Logan took a mental note to make fun of him for the snort a little later.

“But how does that work?! We ARE Thomas!” Patton reacted, scratching the upper ribs.

Suddenly, Roman’s physical body seemed to disappear. They no longer felt a physical being on their fingers and instead, felt the thin air that filled the house. Patton and Remus paused their tickle attack and looked at the empty space in between them. That space was just occupied 5 seconds ago! Did...Did Roman sink out?!

“Hahahaha...Hahahahehehehe...Ehehehehehevihil...ihihi cahahahahan’t breheheathe...aaahahaha…” Patton heard below him. Patton and Remus looked down at the ground, and found a bright-colored, giggly Roman all curled up on the floor.

Logan chuckled at Roman. “Tuckered out from all the tickling?” Logan asked. Roman, to everyone’s surprise, gave Logan the middle finger. Even Logan lifted his eyebrows in surprise. “Wow...that’s rather rude coming from a dragon slayer who just got bested from a few tickles.” Logan told him.

Roman groaned. Why must they make fun of his one and only weakness like this?!

“It would sure be a shame if I told the next dragon villain about your silly weakness…” Virgil added.

Roman gasped in horror and sprinted up to him. “Don’t. Don’t you even think about it.” Roman threatened.

“Or what? You’ll tickle me?” Virgil teased.

Roman smirked and moved his face closer to him. “Yes. Yes I will.” Roman replied confidently.

Virgil made a big smug look and gave Roman’s hips a couple squeezes.

“NaaAAH! NOOO.” Roman warned.

In reaction, Virgil just grabbed Roman’s waist and gave it a few squeezes before pushing him onto the couch. Roman came crashing into the couch cushions with an ‘oof’ and a long fit of giggles. Before he knew it, Roman was stuck in yet another tickle attack. But this time, it was by Virgil! The emo took a good while just destroying the man with his fingers alone, as well as raspberries when Roman was being too snappy.

By the time Virgil had stopped, Roman’s face was as red as his sash. And surprisingly, it wasn’t because of his tiredness. I mean...it partly was, but...it was also because of how flustered and embarrassed the poor slayer was. He was embarrassed that he was so ticklish. And the worst part? He might actually like it!

He wanted to hate it. He wanted to despise the weakness! But...the man just couldn’t. Being tickled is just too fun to be hated. Especially when it’s people who love you and who are willing to make you feel loved despite being a ticklish weakling. Roman’s eyes widened in surprise and...slowly turned into an evil, mischievous smirk when a theory clicked into his head.

“Ooooohohoho...I get it now. You guys were making me feel weak, because you. poor. muffins, couldn’t handle my manly buffness!” Roman declared. He kissed his bicep before looking at Virgil and winking. “Are you jealous?” Roman asked.

...It didn’t take long for Roman to learn that he was absolutely dead wrong in his theory…

Looks like Roman would make a terrible MatPat...

#ticklefic #lee!roman #ler!patton #ler!remus #ler!virgil #bystander logan

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ashintheairlikesnow · 4 years

Text

Not Another Moment: Nate Vandrum and Dr. Rosa

(this is a bit for @burtlederp who wanted to see Nate’s first appointment with Dr. Rosa Martinez! Don’t worry, I’m still working on Bad Things Happen Bingo (Grabbed by the Hair is coming up next!) but this was going to be a short drabble and... um.)

Tagging the crew: @spiffythespook, @special-spicy-chicken, @bleeding-demon-teeth

Timeline: Just prior to the beginning of Abraham Denner’s trial

CW: References to noncon, violence, abuse, and torture (all just conversational references)

“Why don’t we start with you telling me why you wanted to see me today?”

Nate’s fingers tap on the arm of the couch, and he watches the woman the same way she watches him. If he had thought ahead, he could have brought his own notebook and pen - he’s already seen her mark things down and he hasn’t even spoken yet, not really. Nate takes a breath, thinking through the sentence he wants to say, first - the stammer isn’t as bad if he does that, but he doesn’t always remember.

Bram thought his stammer was cute, when it started, sometime before the end of the final year with the both of them. Ashley had hated it, it took too long for him to get out a thought and she hadn’t cared enough to wait for him to voice his thoughts in the first place. It had started to fade, a little, during the months he was free - only to dig its way in worse than ever when he was up in Alberta.

“I don’t know,” Nate answers, honestly enough, and he’s proud when he doesn’t stammer at all. “I didn’t. D-D-Danny wanted me to s-s-see you.”

“It’s not often that people schedule significant time with therapy when they don’t have at least an idea of why they are coming, Mr. Vandrum. I appreciate Daniel’s recommendation, but we won’t be able to accomplish much unless we can identify a good starting point for you.”

He looks at her hands, where she holds the pen. A dusky brown on one side, paler along the inner fingers and palms Wedding ring, probably cost her a pretty penny when she got married. He’d caught a glimpse of some photos on her desk, couple of women with families, one woman alone about the same age as Rosa Martinez. Wife?

That still felt so strange, to think.

Not that he hadn’t had friends who got married, way back when, but it hadn’t been legal, then. Not in their state, it hadn’t, and a few people drove to the other states to make it legal but even then…

“When Bram f-f-found me,” He says softly, his voice distracted and a little distant, but it’s a careful construct, because even just saying his name makes Nate’s throat feel tight and his heart beat faster. Even now, even after everything. “When he f-found me the f-f-first time, I c-c-couldn’t have gotten m, married, legally, where I l-lived before.”

Dr. Rosa Martinez was quiet, but she wrote something down in her notebook and nodded, gesturing for him to continue.

“N-Not that I would have w, wanted to, then. I was too b-b-busy to even d-date, really. Just started to t-t-teach adjunct, you don’t m-m-make shit like that, where would I take anyone? Out for d-d-dinner off the menu at McDonald’s? I lived with m-my friend, my… my friend. They k-k-killed him when they decided they w-w-wanted me.” His voice doesn’t waver, although he finds himself hesitating.

He’s going to have to talk about this, during the trial. The lawyers have said the context is important, even though there isn’t enough evidence to prove they killed his old roommate beyond a shadow of a doubt and they’re pushing the kidnapping/abduction angle above everything else. That and the dead man who had once lived in the cabin, the body that bled out on the floor, the body Danny had to help Bram carry out to the fire even stumbling and crying from the pain in his head, he-

Nate’s fingers stop tapping, and he takes a deep breath in, holds it for five, slowly exhales.

He doesn’t think a fucking thing when he does it.

“Do you think a lot changed between then and now?” She asks him, and he wants to laugh at her, choke her, punch her for the question.

Has a lot changed? The world got better, and then I got out for a while, then he found me and the world went to hell and I didn’t know, no one told us in the woods, no one told us the world went to hell while we were trying to stay alive.

While I was hurting him, while I couldn’t stop, while he made me hurt him and somehow he still forgave me for it, somehow Danny forgives me everything.

“Yes.” It’s all he says, and his voice is more clipped than he means it to be.

Rosa nods, slowly, thinking, tapping her pen against her notebook. Then she sits back, relaxes into her seat. Nate takes a moment to look through the blinds, at the sun outside, at Ryan’s car in the parking lot. Ryan had given him the keys to drive himself, with the carelessness of rich kids who can just buy another car if the current one gets totaled by an asshole who hasn’t driven in seven years, except the once.

Except the night he lit the cabin on fire with Bram unconscious down in that fucking cellar he had used to terrify Danny. Except the night he put Danny in Bram’s truck, took the fucking muzzle off his face, and got him the hell out of there.

“You’re very aware of the time you lost,” Dr. Rosa says out loud, in a voice full of empathy and compassion. Nate wonders if that’s professionally trained into her, like his own teaching voice used to have a kind of lilting rhythm to it that developed during grad school, working with the undergrads and learning how they responded to different lecture styles.

He’d eventually figured out a way of inserting humor and certain jokes, of being authoritative without being suffocating about it, that had worked really well. He’d been in the process of applying to become a full professor, had thought he had a pretty good chance even though getting a full professor job in his area was like threading a needle blindfolded-

Remember when you had to give Danny stitches and Bram made you do it blindfolded with your left hand?

Nate shakes it off, but his bad hand tries to close into a fist and Dr. Rosa notices, he’s sure she notices. She doesn’t say anything, though. She doesn’t push.

So far she hasn’t, and he has to give her credit for that.

“I am,” He admits, finally. “I am v-v-very aware of it, and the t-t-time I’m still losing. The time D-D-Danny lost, will k-keep losing until he-... until he gets b-b-better.”

He will get better. He will. Nate got him out of there and now he’s back with his brother, and Nate has caught Danny watching Ryan wistfully when his younger brother isn’t looking at him. They got him to sit at the kitchen table for dinner last night, perched at the edge of his seat like any minute Bram would come in and dump him out of it.

“Daniel has chosen to take those first steps,” Dr. Rosa says, her words slow and carefully placed. “And so have you. Recovery after prolonged traumatic experience is not about quick healing, but a slow process to rebuild the framework of your life from the ground up. It’s worthwhile, Mr. Vandrum-”

“You can c-c-call me N-Nate, honestly,” Nate mumbles, picking at a loose thread along the seam of the couch cushion. He doesn’t look up to see how she responds.

“Nate, then. Thank you, Nate. My conversations with Daniel have made it clear to me that names - who uses which name and when - were of great importance to you both, during your experience. But you still use your legal name. Does that bother you, that Daniel was given another name and you weren’t?”

“Yeah. It feels l-l-like shit to kn… to know that.” Nate’s voice drops, and he feels the twist of shame, eternal and unending. “That I g-g-got so much that he d-d-didn’t; mercies, kindness… all of it.”

He had never lost his name. He had never been subjected to the level of pure agony that Danny had. He’d never had some other captive there with him, looking him in the eye while they hurt him on Bram’s orders. He’d never had to watch Bram feed someone else at the table while he ate on the floor, sometimes with his arms tied behind his back if he forgot to ask permission first.

He’d never had to wear a collar around his neck while another captive didn’t.

And still, Danny forgives him everything.

“He d-d-deserves better. Better than what h, happened to him, better th-th-than… than all of it. He’s g-g-going to get better, but my b-b-bad days don’t help - sometimes they make him h-h-have bad days - so I thought, when h-he suggested maybe s-s-seeing you…”

“You’re here because you think you attending therapy will help Daniel?”

His eyes flicker up to hers, searching them for the judgement he knows will be there, but there is nothing to Dr. Rosa but the endless goddamn compassion. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s done terrible fucking things, up there in the woods. He would fight, and protest, and deny it, and say no, and then Bram would grab onto him and look him in the eyes and talk to him in his true voice and Nate would pick up the knife.

The knife, the handcuffs, the keys, the chains, the matches, take Danny’s chin in his hands, try to apologize with his eyes when his mouth and his body wouldn’t let him, when they were doing someone else’s bidding, when Nate’s body wasn’t his own any longer.

(your body is mine, everything about you belongs to me)

He’s done terrible things to Danny - he’s responsible for some of the scars on his body and in his head - but Danny only ever looks at him with sweetness, and the psychologist sitting in the armchair looks at him with empathy, and only Ryan ever gives him the hate he deserves, the loathing he’s earned through every flick of the blade with tears in his eyes, every whispered I’m sorry that meant nothing at all when the knife was still moving.

“Nate, let me ask you… do you often think of things in terms of Danny’s recovery, rather than your own?” Dr. Rosa asks, and Nate catches himself flinching at the question.

(baby, baby… you know I hate when you flinch away from me)

“Of c-c-course I do,” He snaps, and he hates the sound of Dr. Rosa’s pen moving. “Of f-f-fucking course I do. He never did anything wrong. All he d-d-did was try to get to, to know m-me, and I should never have told him I was m-m-maybe interested, it’s all my f-f-fault…”

He trails off, catching himself. He never meant to say that out loud to her.

(this is all your fault, don’t you think? You cheated on me, Nate, with this skinny fucking twig?)

“You assign blame to yourself for the entirety of the experience,” Dr. Rosa says, and it’s not a question, not even a little. “You believe yourself to be at fault for the actions of Abraham Denner.”

“Because I l-l-left him!” Nate’s fingers dig into the arm of the couch and the fabric gives way, and he closes and closes and closes his bad hand, letting the bones grind together until the pain clears his mind, makes him feel cleaner, emptier, of the guilt and the rage that twine together inside him, inseparable. “If I h-h-had just stayed with Bram, if I had only st-st-stayed…”

The tears are back, and he can’t quite hold them in, they run down his face and into the stubble of black hair, speckled with the first bits of gray, down the line of his jaw, to drip dark spots into his shirt.

“If I had st-stayed,” He whispers, “If I had never l-left Bram, he would never have seen D-D-Danny at all, and he’d be okay. He’d b-be okay, he’d be… he’d be…” He leans forward, putting his hands over his face and then raking them back through his hair, and catches a sob trying to work its way out of his throat. “Maybe Danny would have m-met someone and he’d be f-f-fucking married by now. Legally, federally legally goddamn married.”

“If you had stayed, you would still be held against your will.”

“But D-D-Danny would be safe. If I had never left B-Bram, Danny would be s-s-safe, and it would… it would be w-w-worth it.” Nate takes a deep breath, trying to still his shaking voice, to calm himself, to get the red out of his cheeks, half-hidden by his eternal five o’clock shadow.

“When was the last time you cried about this, Nate?” Dr. Rosa asks softly. She stands, setting her notebook aside, and walks over to him with a small box of tissues. He takes one with a mumbled, stammering thank you (be grateful for every gift you are given) and wipes at the tears that still run, but he can’t stop them now.

“Wh-when I took it off his f-f-face,” Nate says, and he can hear how broken he is in his own voice, he can hear how the low rumble cracks and splits under the weight of his own guilt, of all the punishment he deserves but won’t receive, because he held the knife when he didn’t want to, because he knotted the ropes when he begged Bram not to make him do it, because he couldn’t stop it, couldn’t make it end, couldn’t keep Danny safe.

“It?” Her voice is carefully devoid of anything more than curiosity.

“Th… the thing. I’m s-s-sorry, it’s hard for me to say wh-what it is-”

“No, I understand, Nate, don’t worry. I think I know what you’re referencing.”

“He… he w-w-wore that fucking thing for five months at th, the end, and… when I t-t-took it off his face the l-last time and he didn’t c-c-come back right away, I c-cried because… because I thought it was too late. That was the l-l-last time.”

“December 10th of last year,” Dr. Rosa says firmly, something about the way she speaks calms him, a little, helps him breathe. Something about the way she blends firmness and certainty with the compassion. “The night you set the fire. You made it to the police station the next morning.”

“I thought I was t-t-too late,” Nate says softly. “I thought he wouldn’t ever c-c-come back, that I’d waited t-t-too long, that I couldn’t… I couldn’t… that he’d never come out of his own h-head this time, that I’d… that I’d n-n-n-never see him look at me again.”

“But he did come back,” Dr. Rosa says gently.

“But what if he hadn’t? And it was all m-m-my fault, for not b-b-being stronger?” She puts a hand on his shoulder, and Nate leans over, hands over his face again, and starts to cry.

The sobs come out half-choked and nearly strangled. Bram never wanted to hear him cry, hated the sound of his tears, hurt him when he cried in the house with Ashley, hurt him in the cabin the few times he’d found the emotion still in him, a despair deep enough to pull the tears from where he’d forced them as deep within himself as they could go.

Nate had hidden tears on the trails, in the woods, where he was far enough away Bram might not know. He’d cried in Danny’s arms, once or twice, wracked the whole time with the slime of his complicity and that he didn’t deserve Danny to hold him, when he was the hand holding the knife sometimes, when the ice in Bram’s eyes buried him under the weight of obedience and a love he didn’t want to feel and hated and couldn’t fight.

He could cry with Danny, now, too, he supposed, but Danny would want to know what he’d done to make Nate cry, how he could fix it, and Nate can’t seem to make Danny understand that he never did anything wrong.

All the sins belong to Nate, and he can never, ever earn absolution.

“Nate,” Dr. Rosa says softly, sitting beside him on the couch. He wonders if psychologists are allowed to do this, or if they’re supposed to keep professional distance, but all she does is sit there, be a warm and living human presence beside him, and he doesn’t ask her to move.

Even if he’s a monster trying, and failing, to make amends to a man he loves for all the wounds he has carved into his body and his heart and his brain.

“Nate, I would like you to listen to what I am about to say. Are you hearing me? Just nod, if you understand that I would like you to listen to me.”

He nods, slowly, without looking up.

“I would like to begin with the goal of addressing your sense that you are responsible for the actions of Abraham Denner. Is that okay?”

He hesitates, then nods again.

“I have counseled many patients, in my career, and some have even been in situations of prolonged captivity, or forms of abuse that deeply resembled captivity. It is common to assign yourself blame. But that doesn’t mean that you are to blame, Nate. And there is one further thing I want to begin working on, right away, starting today.”

Nate freezes, then looks over at her where she sits next to him on the couch. The brown eyes are warm that focus on his, and there’s a hint of a kind smile, a scattering of wrinkles around the corners of her eyes, laugh lines dug deeply around her mouth. “Wh-what?”

“Nate, I want you to acknowledge that you are a survivor, too.”

He blinks at her - she blurs with his tears and clears again when his eyes close and open, and he wipes at his face with a new tissue, sits back to dab at his nose, licks chapped lips in an old nervous habit he’s never lost. “That I’m… that I’m what?”

“You were held by Abraham Denner for seven years,” Dr. Rosa says softly. “With a short break between, but that is a long, long time. You have been subjected to forms of dehumanization and what we call conditioning that are different than Daniel’s, but they are no less real. I will never use the word ‘victim’ in this office unless you ask me to, because I dislike the connotations inherent in that term and have often found them to be detrimental rather than helpful. But you have also been held, traumatized, wounded. All of that happened to you, too.”

“He n-n-never hurt me like he d-d-did Danny,” Nate whispers.

He never made Danny hurt me like he made me hurt him.

“That is not important, except inasmuch as how it affects your understanding of what happened to you. Physical and emotional wounds are of equal importance and weight. Nate, I understand that you struggle because you are wounded in ways that are less obvious on the surface, that you have fewer visible scars. But the scars are still there.”

He’s silent, now. He can’t find the words to say.

“Nate. I want you to say it out loud, just once, and I will call that a good place to begin. ‘I am a survivor, too. I survived.’ Just try for me, please, just once.”

(I love you so much, baby, we’re soulmates, we were always meant to find each other)

(I’ve given you everything you wanted, Nate! what does it take for you to love me?)

(this is your family, now - you and me and the puppy)

D-D-Danny, pl-please, please, come back to m-me, there has to be enough of you l-l-left to save…

Nate takes a deep breath, thinks of Danny’s face, the way he smiled this morning when he wished Nate luck at his first appointment, the way he touched his arm and looked at him like maybe he wanted to kiss him, too.

“I’m a s-s-survivor, too,” Nate says out loud, and something in him cracks apart, something cold and frozen starts to warm. “I s-survived, too.”

“One more time,” Dr. Rosa says quietly. “One more time, please.”

Nate nods, slowly.

Nate, he’s walking traps, we’re alone for like three hours - c’mere, come here, come, come lay down on the mat with me while he’s gone.

Shut up. Call me Danny again. Just while he’s gone.

Leave him alone, Abraham! It’s my fault! It’s my fault, I kissed him and he didn’t want me to, don’t hurt him, hurt me instead! Please, please, Abraham, it’s my fault, I’m so sorry! It’s my fault, punish me!

Nate, if this had never happened, do you think we would have liked the movie?

Let me get the ice pack, he really did a number on you this time, huh?

Do you think you would have liked the person I used to be?

Abraham, please, please, I can take the punishment instead! I can, I can be better for you, I’m better at being hurt, let me be hurt, please!

Will you lay with me for a while? Just, just next to the mat? Just for a little bit?

I don’t blame you, it’s not your fault. You didn’t want to do any of this to me. It’s not your fault, Nate, please listen to me, it’s not your fault. It was never your fault. None of this is your fault. Please… please listen to me, I don’t blame you.

Nate, I think sometimes that I, that I maybe I… I love-

“I’m a survivor, too,” Nate repeats, softly, and he doesn’t stammer. “I survived, too.”

“Good.” Dr. Rosa smiles at him, standing to give him back his space, moving back to her armchair and picking back up her notebook and pen. He takes a deep breath, and she watches him as he counts to five and lets it out again.

And he doesn’t think anything at all while he’s breathing, except for the look on Danny’s face when he’d left this morning. He thinks of the little half-smile that crinkled the scar on his nose, lessened the broken line of his jaw. The look that lit up his eyes, warmed up the vibrant blue. The wavy red hair a riotous mess on top of his head, falling over one eye, that Nate had casually reached up to brush away and back.

He could have kissed him, if he’d wanted. Even with everything he’d done, Danny’s head had tilted down at him slightly in a way Nate could read as well as he’d ever read any of his books.

He could have written a whole dissertation on what it means to have someone look at you that way, given a lecture stammer-free on what forgiveness means when you haven’t earned it, never could, but it was freely given nonetheless, and by someone you would do anything for.

I tried to kill to save him, and I would do it again.

“Danny n-n-never blames m-me for anything,” Nate says out loud. “Never.”

“Maybe it’s time,” Dr. Rosa says quietly, “that you learn to give yourself the same understanding and empathy that Daniel gives you.”

Nate sits back, looking at her, thinking about the picture of the woman on her desk, the diamonds in her wedding ring. While he’d been trapped, they had changed the laws around marriage, and about a thousand other things, just in seven years. Things had changed, the world had changed, and he had lost so much fucking time. He and Danny both.

“I know why I’m h-h-here.”

“And why is that?” Dr. Rosa’s eyes crinkle at the corners again, as though she’s hiding a smile. He can see why Danny likes her so much.

“B-Because I l-l-lost seven years of my life, and he lost f-f-four of his, and… and I don’t want to miss another single g-goddamn moment if I g-g-get to spend it with h-him.”

#Daniel Michaelson's story #whump #nate vandrum: a knight in soot-stained armor #dr. rosa martinez #nate and danny #trauma recovery #recovery whump #caretaker whumpee #caretaker #broken whumpee #tw: referenced past torture/violence #tw: vaguely referenced noncon #defiant whumpee #conditioning #deconditioning

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skold · 4 years

Text

aight so here’s tim’s partial chart which you don’t have to know how to read i’m just putting it here for the people who do

putting a read more for length

sun in sagittarius - yr sun sign is the one most people know cuz it’s by birth date and you can just google it. the dates don’t change year to year the way others do. it’s yr sense of self, yr individuality, yr outward personality. sag suns tend to be rly social, active, honest to the point of hurting peoples’ feelings lmao. known to talk Too Much. impulsive. bad at foreseeing the consequences of their actions. bridge burners. HAAAAAATE being restricted in any way.

moon in capricorn - moon sign is more your internal self and people can often feel more closely aligned w/ their moon sign than their sun sign. moon sign can tell abt someone’s sensitivities and their instincts and where they find security. moon in cap generally indicates somebody who finds fulfillment in being useful to others and has an insane work ethic. has trouble cutting loose. cap moon folks tend to have a lot of insecurities wrt feeling ignored or useless. they want outside approval but can’t depend on it.

mercury in sagittarius - mercury rules over communication and intellect. indicates how someone interacts with other people. ppl with merc in sag fucking love traveling which y’know, considering tim travels for his job AND as a tourist. checks out. mercury in a fire sign can make them seem like they constantly have a fire under their ass pushing them forward. merc in sag have a talent for languages (tim speaks two fluently and at least two more enough to function).

venus in capricorn - venus is yr love language planet. it indicates how ppl feel and experience love/sex and also their feelings on what they find generally pleasurable in life. people with venus in cap can be rly withdrawn and often aren’t up front with their feelings in general but especially wrt relationships. this is PROBABLY why tim doesn’t talk abt his marriage much at all. they want loyalty and stability over all else. often attracted to partners with venus in a fire sign bc they tend to be more forward and initiate things and venus in cap doesn’t want to risk getting hurt. really slow to earn their trust.

mars in libra - mars is abt action and energy and assertiveness. it’s about drive - sex drive, ambition, what gets ppl fired up. ppl with mars in libra cannot make a fucking decision to save their lives but y’know, this is libra we’re talking about. libra placements suck at making decisions. i can say this as a libra moon who cannot commit to anything but i digress. mars in libra folks aren’t usually very social. they want permission from other people to make big moves. tend to be submissive in relationships both in general and in The Sex Way. ppl with mars in libra tend to attract more aggressive/forward/energetic partners.

jupiter in leo - jupiter symbolizes growth and expansion and how someone’s faith and ethics are. also sometimes associated with luck and fortune. ppl with jupiter in leo tend to have healthy self-confidence. they can be kinda arrogant but depending on other placements that arrogance is often not backed up. this can look like delusions of grandeur and often leads to people disliking their attitudes. as a fire alignment, there’s a lot of energy there, but it ends up being misplaced sometimes.

saturn in pisces - saturn is a bitch ass motherfucker. rules over restriction/order and maturity over time. saturn is basically that planet who will hurt you to teach u a gd lesson. the leather daddy of the planets if u will. people with saturn in pisces wanna make other peoples problems their own problems because they want to offer their emotional support, but it happens at the expense of wearing themselves thin. often really secluded private people. they have to find that balance between prioritizing themselves and prioritizing others, and if they can’t find it saturn will hurt their gd feelings.

uranus in virgo - so uranus is such a slow planet to orbit it doesn’t move sign alignments very often and can remain in the same sign for years and influence an entire generation. uranus rules over originality and freedom and revolution. ppl with uranus in virgo can be perfectionists. can be interested in things like ecology, the wellbeing of animals, and alternative medicine. gestures at tim’s 800 rescue animals and the fact that he goes to an acupuncturist. often left leaning to the point of seeming radical (this depends strongly on other placements though). big on social justice.

neptune in scorpio - neptune is also one of those slow planets. neptune rules spirituality and fantasy/imagination. ppl with this alignment can be into the occult. a huge amount of creative potential is there. this is why we saw a lot of rly influential art and music coming out of gen x folks!!

pluto in virgo - the slowest of planets. pluto is abt power and transformation. ppl with pluto in virgo can be critical and analytical. super methodical abt how they do things.

so those are the planets. there’s also a lot of other celestial bodies and points in the chart we look at also!! here they are

north node in taurus south node in scorpio - the nodes are mathematical points opposite each other in the chart. south node indicates your comfort zone and north node indicates what somebody wants out of life and has to go out of said comfort zone for. this alignment indicates somebody who struggles between holding onto things and letting shit go. TRUST ISSUES. also rly strong sexual energy that fucking asshole.

lilith in pisces - lilith is a fictional point opposite the actual moon. in mythology, lilith refused to submit to adam, rejected the world of adam & eve and decided to go chill with satan instead. which, lilith did nothing wrong but whatever. so yr lilith alignment can show what you have fascination with and what you reject about yourself. lilith in pisces people often have a fascination with self-sacrifice and often feel connected with EVERYTHING, which then leads to a lot of suffering. vulnerable to alcoholism/drug issues. people tend to find ppl with this alignment captivating but also can be intimidated/unsettled by them.

chiron in pisces - chiron is an asteroid btwn saturn and uranus. in mythology, chiron was an immortal centaur who was a healer and a teacher. he was injured by a poisonous arrow by heracles and it should have killed him but due to his immortality, he was suffering in excruciating pain but couldn’t die. he gave his immortality for prometheus and upon being sent to the underworld, zeus showed mercy on him and raised him up into the heavens as a celestial body. chiron symbolizes unhealable trauma but can also indicate how one can accept their suffering and move forward. people with chiron in pisces tend to feel the weight of the world on their shoulders and feel they’re all too aware of the suffering of other people and things like violence and injustice. these people often respond to this by helping others in some way.

SO NOW I’M GONNA GO INTO ASPECTS. which is basically how certain planets align in the chart and interact with each other. i don’t have time to describe what these terms mean cuz i’ve already been writing for an hour so just use google lmao

sun conjunct venus - highlights feminine characteristics of all genders and sexes. artistic, creative, optimistic. often fashionable.

sun square saturn - folks with this alignment either give up at the first sign of a challenge or power thru that shit and learn from it. if this person has lower self esteem it’s generally improved by the fact they’re gratified by their own hard work.

sun square uranus - individualistic, eccentric. independent. can be inconsiderate of others. NEED to be different and NEED people to see they’re different. issues with authority.

sun square pluto - stubborn assholes. tend to be bossy and subconsciously manipulative.

moon sextile saturn - emotionally stable, reliable, helpful.

moon trine uranus - needs considerable emotional independence and freedom in a relationship and within ones family. often lead unconventional lifestyles (read: don’t work a 9-5, have polyam/open relationships, etc). MOOOOOD SWIIIIIINGS

moon sextile neptune - these folks want explanations for the world and will turn to things like religion or the occult to get answers. self-sacrificing and people tend to take advantage of them. messy home. perceptive and sensitive, especially wrt the arts

moon trine pluto - experiences emotions very fucking deeply. will express their opinions even if it’ll hurt the other person’s feelings. often closer with their mother than their father.

mercury sextile mars - quick thinkers. analytical, fast, practical.

mercury trine jupiter - open, sensitive, optimistic, kind. often into philosophy. big on traveling.

venus square mars - impulsive and enthusiastic. can be prone to losing their temper. often want impossible things.

venus square uranus - this aspect tends to complicate relationships because they literally see relationships as a loss of personal independence and autonomy. unconventional, eccentric, very original in their artistic/creative pursuits.

mars sextile jupiter - GOTTA GO FAST. always wants to be learning new things.

saturn opposition uranus - oof. these folks are often big chaotic and unpredictable. their logic sometimes only makes sense to them and it can seem they look down on other people unfairly, but it’s only because others don’t understand their thought process behind why they dislike someone.

saturn trine neptune - these people try to turn their dreams into their careers. spiritual but not necessarily religious.

saturn opposition pluto - DO NOT KNOW WHAT THEY FUCKIN WANT. they have big ideas but don’t know how to get them going. can be a difficult personality type to deal with.

uranus sextile neptune - reinforces one’s sense of fantasy. can influence inspiration and originality and innovation in one’s creations.

uranus conjuction pluto - a generational alignment due to both planets being slow moving. strong, original personalities. big ideas.

neptune sextile pluto - also a generational alignment. depending on other alignments, it influences big transformations on a global scale. see: gen x

there are parallels and contra-parallels i could go into but like i have already been at this for forever and i think We Get It. and this is only half his chart without going into the houses cuz i don’t have his birth time!! that’d give us 12 more alignments to look at and tons more aspects!! so like!!! astrology is more than just yr sun sign folks. this has been me reading the fuck outta tim skold for 1600 words see ya

#i'm not putting this in his tag lest he see me being a fucking CREEP so #do not lose

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angeltrapz · 2 years

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do you have any ideas for fics that you’ve thought about but haven’t written yet? love your blog also :)

I do actually!! (+ thank you for the compliment <3)

One I've been messing with lately is the actual written fic of my Adam & Lawrence Adopt Corbett AU? That one I actually did start to write, but scrapped it due to it needing some reworking. I definitely plan to write for it someday, I just don't know when that day will be,,

Another idea, which actually will (hopefully) be a set of fics, is an expansion on the Laura Survives + Ends Up With Amanda AU (intersected w an Adam Also Lives AU) I mentioned in my fic abt them! I kinda just wanna elaborate on their lives after their tests and how they cope with it in the long run, with themes set around found family + realizing vulnerability isn't weakness, which is smth that I feel Amanda struggles w heavily. Mean besties/siblings Adam and Mandy + their partners who are very fondly exasperated!!

Something that I hope to write soon but I'm not sure when I will is a Diana sickfic where she needs to be picked up from school, but Lawrence & Alison are both at work and are unable to, so Adam does as he and Lawrence have been together a year at this point and he's picked her up at the end of the day before. He worries he's not going to be of much help but his experience (his siblings, himself, + his mother constantly being sick in childhood) and Diana's comfort in his presence basically mean he's worried for nothing. Lawrence comes home to them in a pillow fort, Diana in Adam's lap, a book somewhere beside them, both of them asleep and his heart just melts (he definitely thinks of them as the two loves of his life),, I love Chainshipping + Diana family fics and I haven't written a lot of 'em so!!

One that's been on the backburner for what feels like Forever though is an AU based on the idea that was in the original SAW III script: basically Strahm was going to find Adam in the bathroom and kinda do what Amanda did (mercy kill), but instead this AU centers around the idea of it being Rigg instead, who saves him - and this detour actually ends up saving Eric, as he doesn't open the door and the ice blocks aren't activated (Hoffman is DEFINITELY pissed bc he didn't anticipate it, but what can he do?). The endgame is Adam/Rigg/Eric but I haven't Super expanded upon that lol,, I daydream abt it a bit but that's it!! One of these days I'll write down key elements. (I'm not certain whether Lawrence is a disciple or not in this AU, so maybe Lawrence will be added too? and I don't rlly wanna leave Art out either,,)

This one's much less detailed but I wanna write a fic abt Mallick!!! I think abt the Fatal Five SO MUCH and I wish they got more characterization/that we at least got to know more abt them. It strikes me as odd that we haven't heard more abt Mallick in particular bc he's one of the few survivors of a game to actually appear in a following movie? I just think it's weird that if he's that significant in canon (he's obviously Very significant in my heart), why don't we know more abt him?? I also want Brit to be there bc personally I got the impression that she didn't survive, but a. that hurts me to think abt in regards to Mal and b. I believe it was said in a commentary track that she actually Did survive, just wasn't present at Bobby's meeting. (fun fact I find interesting: Brent Abbott from VI & Daniel Matthews were meant to be in that scene too!)

SPEAKING OF DANIEL I want to write. Just smth abt him. I love Daniel a lot & have ever since I first watched II. I feel this way abt Diana and Corbett too, but I've always wondered what happened to him after everything. Like yeah he was older than the former two I mentioned, but he was still a child, only 15-17 at the oldest, and I just. I don't know! I wish we knew more!!

And then lastly, I want to write a fic where Ashley Kazon (the first to die of the Fatal Five in SAW V via. the razor thing.) survives and ends up w Brit lmao!! I have no idea why or how that ship occurred to me but I kinda just wanna flesh it out a bit, see what happens, ESP since ashley is such a minor character who. Instantly is gone. (I also want to have Adam there bc I KNOW he and Brit wld get along. Mean gay/bi solidarity!! so basically maybe it'd be Brit/Mallick/Ashley, as in she's dating the other two who are not dating each other, and then also Adam/Mallick!)

There's probably a bunch more but they've not received nearly as much thought - save for my Alison/Tracy ideas, which I think abt often but haven't been able to construct a solid fic out of yet,, but this was fun to think abt so thank you!!

#asks #I have SO many ideas up in my head tht never get mentioned #also uh hey just a reminder: I do like eric matthews so if that bothers anyone maybe don't. interact w my blog!#(I haven't like... gotten any messages as of late but I have in the past so. covering my bases is all. y'all have been very nice tho)

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tieflng · 4 years

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chocobox 2020 letter under the cut, because i do things and participate in things now i think.

dear chocolatier: thanks for writing for me! my actual requests were sparse because they were. quite long. especially the pyre one, because it turns out i have a lot of thoughts about minor/historical background characters as seen in the book of rites. so my prompts are all here, along with the dnws just repeated for good measure. thanks for reading all of this, i hope you can find something to have fun with.

pyre -

oops!! all golathanian! i was just really drawn to him reading the book of rites; there's something about an ordinary (certainly flawed) human man making the choices that brought every event in the game to pass and turned him into a godlike eldritch basketball saint. also, 'you gave your freedom that i might yet have mine' is a line i've been thinking about for an entire year. also, the g in lgbt is for golathanian. i'm really into the idea that the man the commonwealth could lionize as the ideal of strength is admirable not as a conqueror or warlord, but as someone with commitments to others that make him overcome his flaws-- someone who does the cooking for the group and makes dry comments and lectures out of worry and has a stupid laugh and acts like a grouch when he is secretly a giant softy. (and someone who is visibly gay and gnc, because the base of my mazlow hierarchy of needs is gay/bi men presented as admirable figures of authority, and i think that's something that should have been in the game, even if the commonwealth in-universe was going to erase it.) the heart and idealism and earnestness is what makes him worthy of respect, and that he's human, even if technically he ends up as a demigod sports-omen star.

i'm firmly in favor of autistic scribes (solidarity with chae) and scribes as large-r Readers. aside from soliam and khaylmer who both have cis energy i'm very up for any of the requested characters as trans or nonbinary, and near and dear to my heart especially are transfem chae and triesta and a nonbinary/my-gender-is-just-gay gol. explicit lgbt identities in general are a plus. environmental details-- i adore the richness and mystery and wonder of the downside, but i'd also kill for some sahrian imperial court ambiance. adventure is good, character study is always good, shenanigans and mischievous escapades between friends, misunderstandings that work out or not, angst with comfort is fine, moral or philosophical dilemmas or conversations (perfect for this group). it'd be nice to see something about titans, about (r/R)eading, the downside as an eldritch landscape, the simultaneous decay and might of imperial sahr, about turning into celestial bodies, a good old fashioned slow burn/mutual pining.

ha'ub & gol - i've always imagined these two are best friends - the first two scribes, 2/3 of the og triumvirate, and both dealing with the fact that 'mercy' means they have to keep soliam murr's fool ass alive. ha'ub is a chaotic little bumpkin who's never belonged anywhere, gol is an increasingly long-suffering visitor to purgatory dimension-- i feel like for all that he knows more about survival here than his new Big Friends, ha'ub feels just as indebted to them for being able to relate to him. it can't be easy being the first imp with human-like intelligence, or at least surely the only imp you know. misunderstandings between different species, teaching each other about sahrian human and downside imp customs, teaming up against howlers (did the howler/imp distinction exist yet, if all imps were wild and drive imps didn't exist??), learning to communicate with someone whose speech and language are very different. gol standing up for ha'ub in the 'why does an imp get a triumvirate' debate. why is ha'ub accursed? too, if there's gol/soliam, there's an opportunity for 'just kiss him already', or whatever misunderstandings imps have about human relationships/will-they-or-won't-they tensions.

gol & chae - please call the vagabond girl chae! i loved her basically at the moment i saw her and her arc means a lot to me. she’s autistic coded but her belief in the scribes-- in actually hearing and speaking to the scribes-- is never undercut by the narrative. and she’s immensely strong! she’s survived in the downside by herself from 17-19! and imo at least the scribe known for being strong and resilient and untiring, not to mention idealistic and loyal, would admire the absolute fuck out of her. i’d like her childhood as moontouched/homeless and displaced, her topside ending as a religious leader and inspiration in the sahrian union, wandering alone in the downside, her role with the nightwings-- i just really want to see what conversations these two would get up to, i want them to learn from each other, i want chae to have support and encouragement and comfort from everyone’s favorite nomad scribe. what does she ask him? what does he tell her? passing messages from ti’zo or the heralds? looking for advice/help on behalf of the nightwings, or just comfort when she’s feeling out of place? god, the fact that she’s in the companion class that parallels khaylmer-- do they talk about that, or how does gol feel? there are so many damn good interactions here. please don’t infantilize her or portray her beliefs and reactions as nonsensical or weird.

gol/soliam - i have so many thoughts about these two that i almost don’t want to say everything. my sense is they didn’t get together until the downside, with a very long enemies > grudging allies > friends > lovers, at least on gol’s end. you don’t jump over the edge of the world to kill someone and immediately kiss and make up. topside before he gets disillusioned there’s potential for that good courtly love - gol pining hopelessly (and perhaps obliviously, depending on how soliam acts towards him) for his beautiful distant liege, sol who so very clearly did not feel anything genuine for anyone as emperor, but who maybe has some ‘oooh, master-general ;)’ poking out of the hedonism-flavored depression. and then he falls down the river and realizes he was a big idiot. i could do very early sweet moments, courtly aesthetic and accidental intimacy, seeing a tender side to the emperor that most people never get close enough for/soliam murr Almost having a real feeling other than physical attraction. i could also do rebuilding their trust and rapport in the downside, mutual pining, growing closer despite everything and wondering privately if they couldn’t actually work out. or established relationship tenderness and fluff. i could also very much do explicit content with these two.

gol & khaylmer - ahh, yes. enemies. i got the impression from gol’s account (and gol’s account is really all we get) that these two hated each other, to ‘put his picture on the bull’s eye of the dartboard’ levels of hatred-- but also, maybe, that they had more in common than they wanted. gol and khaylmer as the only two grownups in a decadence-obsessed imperial court? certainly as the closest advisers to the emperor, whatever that means when your emperor is soliam murr. i always got the impression that gol was a bit more of a bastard than he let on-- nomad masteries are very ‘now i’ve thrown him off his rhythm!’ and you can’t tell me ‘preferred to fall on his enemies by surprise under the cover of darkness’ Isn’t the trait of a highly slippery character. then again, their worldviews and beliefs might as well be from two different planets, but then again again, do we really get an unbiased opinion on khaylmer to know what his worldviews really is? two driven and idiosyncratic people, more similar than they think, who just deeply hate and misunderstand each other at a fundamental level. also, please a deep dive into khaylmer’s head. lot of opportunity for backroom dealing and court drama here.

scribes & scribes - scribe adventures! or scribe shenanigans and arguments! i see these eight as having strong and contrasting personalities, but fundamentally caring about each other, even if they can get into real drama and conflict. fighting titans, exploring together, writing the book of rites, becoming eldritch basketball gods. found family is great, early stages of found family that grouchily insist they're business associates is better. there is so much you could do with these losers as a collective and i love them with my entire heart.

dnw: fantasy homophobia or transphobia, dubcon/noncon including under the influence, hand/eye trauma, unsanitary things, angst without a positive/hopeful resolution. in terms of explicit content, please no humiliation or impact play/physical pain. fandom specific: don't undercut chae's feelings or beliefs or write her in an ableist way. i also see gol and soliam as gay, and milithe and triesta as lesbians, so i'd prefer no references to past/current m/w relationships for them-- not because having m/w history invalidates gay peoples' identities, but because for me personally that'd be a horrible experience and it makes me sad thinking about my favorite characters going through that.

hades -

i did not expect to like a large soft-spoken honor-bound minotaur who duels you in honorable combat as much as i did, but probably should have knowing basic facts about myself. anything asterius-focused is great-- i really want to see him well-received in elysium and with a partner who cares about him......! he deserves nice things! elysium as a setting is so lush, environmental details, moments of respite, greenery, the river lethe, the elysian stadium, the beauty of eternal paradise And the fact that the people who live here decide to just beat the tar out of each other for fun.

this game has a really strong cast, and i'd love to see mentioned or featured olympians/house denizens/run npcs other than the requested characters. patroclus is a strong possibility for a fic in elysium, but achilles, hypnos, hermes/artemis/athena, and eurydice are also favorites of mine. i'm always down for explicit gay/bi identities, and i've been toying with trans masc zag and/or nonbinary aster.

Asterius/Zag - the inherent romantic tension of having a standing date to fight someone in hand to hand combat. but also, meeting outside of the arena in some way - a peaceful moment in a fountain chamber? maybe aster helps zag in a tough spot with some exalted? they both meet up in patroclus's chamber? i like how aster respects you for your strength and ability and the comparison he draws between them both as having been born monstrous/in darkness could use some (gentle) exploration. both of them uncovering hidden depths or softness in each other.

Asterius/Theseus/Zag - the inherent romantic tension of having a standing date to fight two people in hand to hand combat. i very much see this as an aster-centric v-- i don't really buy these or zag being into each other on their own, but learning to get along for the sake of their mutual boyfriend is good, and the comedy that ensues. anything i like in aster/zag or aster/these would be good here. absolutely not opposed to an aster-centered threesome (he deserves it).

Asterius/Theseus - how did these persuade hades to move the bull of minos to elysium? how did they become champions in the stadium? fighting by each others' sides, aster discovering after a mortal lifetime confined to a labyrinth that he's into men, these feeling weirdly compelled to show off or impress him. theseus training him in 'heroic ways'. theseus's lines about ariadne felt needlessly gross/borderline misogynistic and i'd like for them either to not come up Or for aster to sit him down and give him a piece of his mind. that's his sister, you idiot.

Cerberus & Zag - just a boy and his dog! cerby comforting a younger zag when hades is on his bullshit, or kid zag sleeping all cuddled up with his pubby. growing up and watching the house change. zag venting to cerberus or asking for advice, like you do with your pets when you don't expect an answer (and maybe getting one??). something in styx would be good, or zag finding any other kind of treat or toy and smuggling it back in from one of his runs.

dnw: fantasy homophobia or transphobia, dubcon/noncon including under the influence, hand/eye trauma, unsanitary things (please light on the descriptions of the satyr sack, lmao), angst without a positive/hopeful resolution. in terms of explicit content, please no humiliation or impact play/physical pain. as far as fandom specific: please nothing that portrays hades as good or justified in any of his actions. nothing zag/meg or zag/than; i really prefer zag and meg to have acknowledged their feelings and decided to stay friends.

arthuriana/let’s be real i’m here for the gawain and the green knight -

......i'm just in this for the inherent homoeroticism. explicitly gay/bi gawain and bi bertilak is great, bertilak and his wife both being in on it is great, threesome? more christmas games? courtly flirting? being cozy inside? going on a dangerous quest? anything sounds great, just have fun with it!

dnw: homophobia including period-typical (just not why i read fanfiction), dubcon/noncon including under the influence, unsanitary things, hand/eye trauma, cheating/negative feelings between the hautdeserts, angst. in terms of explicit content, please no humiliation or impact play/physical pain.

#///]#///]]#////]]#///]]]#/////]#exchange letter

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withbrutality-blog · 7 years

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A Stalker and A Knife

Chapter One

What happens when a cannibal realizes he has a bit of grocery shopping to do?

(NSFW Warning + Murdaaaa + dark comedy + twinges of Hannigram)

Feast upon thy brethren and absorb thy truth and thy fear.

Hannibal closed his book and set it upon the end table, adjusting it to be completely aligned with the edge. He looked over at the blazing fire going in the hearth. Today was a rare day for Dr. Hannibal Lecter - he had taken a vacation day to laze around his home, deciding he needed a break. The two reasons for his break were his clients, Franklyn Froideveaux and Will Graham. Franklyn had taken to following him around town, showing up at operas, galas, and other settings he clearly did not belong in. But that didn't bother him as much as Will Graham ignoring him. It was beginning to annoy him, the distance Will had set between himself and Hannibal, which he found rude. And it was a well known fact that more than being ignored, Hannibal hated being annoyed.

He could kill Franklyn, with ease and, perhaps, even mercy, but he could not bring himself to kill Will Graham.

He sat in his chair, contemplating the true meaning of his feelings for Will Graham when he remembered to look at his watch. It was just running on five o'clock at night, and the sky was scattered with hues of blue, red, and orange. Time to eat.

Hannibal stood and walked through the private door leading to his main house, his appetite growing steadily with every step. Once he made it past his living room and into the kitchen, he stopped and grabbed a glass from the cupboard, filling it with water from the sink's tap. His mouth was dry from a craving, a very specific craving.

He went up to the refrigerator and opened it slowly, expecting to inhale the subtle fumes of raw human flesh, but was disappointed. The only thing in the refrigerator were vegetables and juice. He closed the door, frustrated with no idea what to do. He didn't normally hunt during the day, and, looking at his watch, knew he couldn't wait to eat.

A simple salad was not going to suffice, and ham, turkey, or anything else just would not do. A risk would have to be taken, he decided. Perhaps hunting this early would give him more experience too. Just then his work phone rang in his pocket, buzzing against his thigh with urgency. He fished it out and took a look at the screen, then pursed his lips, a kind of annoyed disgust clear on his face.

It was Franklyn.

He had gotten bold, it appeared. Before, Franklyn would only pop up at random venues, now he was calling him after business hours. Hannibal pressed the 'hang up' icon on the screen and slipped the cellphone back into his pocket, gears whirling on who to feast on and how to get them. He was in the mood for some lean meat tonight; time to look at the index cards. So he walked to his second, private office located upstairs and took a look at the business cards he had arranged in alphabetical order. These were business and handwritten index cards of people who were very rude, unflattering, and disrespectful - people who would end up on his plate sooner or later.

When he had finally picked a name, he decided the first step of the hunt would be the call the soon-to-be victim. He grabbed his cellphone from his pocket and began to dial the phone number on the card, but before he could press 'call', his phone began to ring. Hannibal's phone began to glitch a little, and the caller information took a minute to load. A small, fluttering feeling began to build in his stomach; he was hoping it was Will.

But instead it was Franklyn again.

He pressed the decline button once more and tapped the victim's number into the dial pad one more time, but hesitated and looked at the business card again. It said the victim, Saul Peters, would be at Hampton Catering for another hour. Hannibal took a look at his watch and realized if he rushed, he would catch Peters leaving the business to head home. Perfect.

He deleted the number from the keypad, turned the screen off, and headed to the linen closet by the desk. In it he grabbed a jacket, a pair of gloves, and slipped a hunting knife into the large jacket pocket. If everything went well, he would be back in under forty minutes.

A few minutes later he was on the road, heading towards the city to find Mr. Saul Peters, a man who mistakenly had crossed Hannibal at an event his company had catered. The offense had been during a conversation about the arts - drama to be exact. A passionate discussion between Hannibal, Saul, and a woman named Grace Matthews had turned heated as Saul took over the conversation. He had refused to let Hannibal or the woman get a word in edgewise over the real significance of an actor named Victoria Serene's debut.

Personally Hannibal was quite amused at how insistent Saul was that Ms. Serene's debut was a, as Saul put it, "critical flop", but the amusement had turned to utter disdain once Saul refused to let the lady, Grace, say much of anything. Hannibal did not hesitate to point out his error (cutting a woman off where there was not fault was extremely heinous), but he didn't let it slide just because he told him off. He had asked for Saul's business card, citing wanting to use his catering services in the future.

Hannibal looked into the rear-view mirror before turning left on August Boulevard, his stomach beginning to hurt with hunger. He did a double take with his eyes as he recognized a car three vehicles behind him and sighed.

Franklyn.

Tonight he was asking for it. The poor man was a glutton for punishment.

Hannibal continued on with his course, but he reached over to the dashboard and pushed a few buttons to start a call. The ringtone played a few times before Franklyn answered.

"Hi Doctor Lecter!" Poor Franklyn said excitedly. "How are you?"

"Franklyn.." Hannibal said, dragging the last syllable of his name out, "Are you following me?"

"Following you? What? No!" Franklyn said, a little too fast for Hannibal's taste. He was lying. The poor neurotic was lying.

"What street are you on?"

"Uh, uh..." Franklyn hesitated. "August B. Why?"

"No reason," Hannibal said. "But I would like you to pull over to that warehouse on the corner of Opal Drive, please."

"Uh..sure, okay.."

Hannibal pressed the 'end call' button and proceeded to drive to the abandoned warehouse on Opal drive. It was time to finish this. Hannibal did not take kindly to stalking.

Soon Franklyn pulled up to the warehouse parking lot next to Hannibal's car. Both men got out of their vehicles, Hannibal switching his leather gloves for black latex ones. Franklyn looked at Hannibal's hands, but quickly smiled and waved.

"Hey Hannibal. Nice night out, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. A perfect night for a feast overlooking the water."

"I agree. I know a place like that not too far from here. If-"

"Franklyn, this has gone much too far. You are stalking me now, and I don't appreciate it. You refuse to see another psychiatrist, which gives me no choice but to remove you completely." Hannibal said in a steady, unemotional tone.

Franklyn failed to understand the weight of the word 'completely' - in fact he completely overlooked the word!

"I'm not stalking you, it's just a coincidence!" Franklyn replied, the smile unwavering on his face.

"Six times in two weeks? That is a coincidence to you?" Hannibal had been taking slow steps towards his newest victim, but here he stopped in his tracks. Not only was Franklyn a neurotic, he was dumb too.

"Ha-Hannibal I..I can explain!" Franklyn knew he had been caught. "I just..I.."

"You love me, Franklyn. Or at least you think you do. But you cannot trust these feelings for me. I am your psychiatrist and, unfortunately for you, your only support system and shoulder to lean on. This happens all the time, but I have had enough of it, Mr. Froideveaux." Here, Hannibal began moving toward Franklyn again. He could see the heart ache in his eyes and he almost felt bad for the younger man. But he had made up his mind - what was to be done must be done.

"You don't mean that," his client said, sniffling with tears in his eyes.

"I do. You have been a great nuisance to me." Hannibal wrapped his hands around Franklyn's thick throat, the man's eyes beginning to bulge out of surprise and fear. Hannibal lifted the man off the ground by his throat, no emotion betrayed on his face because there was no emotion to show. Franklyn began to kick and squeak, his tongue lolling out of his mouth in an effort to let more air in. He began choking under Hannibal's grip, prompting his brain sensors to begin clawing at Hannibal's hands to get them to let go. But Hannibal could see in his eyes that he knew it was already too late. He also saw Franklyn's level of trust for Hannibal die along with him, but the respect, much to Hannibal's surprise, was still there.

Soon Franklyn was limp, similar to a rag doll, and Hannibal set him down on his feet, hands still around his throat in case there was still life in him. When he collapsed to the ground without so much as a breath exhaled, Hannibal was satisfied, one nuisance finally checked off his list.

He didn't even scream. Shame. Hannibal thought to himself.

Anyone else would have looked at Franklyn's death at the hands of Hannibal as murder, but Hannibal simply looked at it as doing the man a favor. He was ill, useless, and particularly sloppy. No one would miss him and, if there was an afterlife, maybe he could heal there.

Quickly, Hannibal swept Franklyn's lifeless body up and over his shoulder, pressing a button on his car's key fob to pop the trunk open. He stuffed Franklyn's body into the small space and began searching for the man's car keys - the warehouse may have been abandoned, but a car sitting there days on end was suspicious all the same. Once he had found them, he slapped the trunk door down hard and walked to the driver's side of Franklyn's car, then hopped in and revved the engine to life.

He had decided the best hiding place for Franklyn's car would be in an old junkyard not too far from the warehouse. It would take a while to walk back to his own car, but sacrifices were to be made in these kinds of situations.

Once at the junkyard, Hannibal drove the car to the farthest side behind a large stack of old metal and trash bags that had to be at least a month old. He hopped out of the car and barely winced at the smell that greeted him. Instead of focusing on the dirtiness around him, which would allow his OCD to skyrocket, he set to work - the mission was to find a wrench or screwdriver to take off Franklyn's license plates.

Once the mission was done and over, he began to walk back towards the direction of the warehouse, both scratched and bent license plates hidden under different piles of trash. About twenty minutes later he arrived back at his car, the sky above now dark enough for the stars to shine brightly. It was obviously too late to stalk Saul Peters now..

At least at his place of business.

His stomach began to growl and he sighed. He could, of course just use Franklyn as a substitute, but Franklyn was fat and unhealthy. And unhealthy meant bad tasting meat. He hopped into his car and headed to a forest going past the junkyard, a new, more ideal place to dispose of Franklyn's body.

He changed the gear of the car to accommodate the new terrain, and stopped to park after driving on a hidden path for nearly thirty minutes straight. He opened the car door and headed to the trunk area, pressing a button to be greeted by the loud pop! once it opened. Franklyn's face stared up at Hannibal with icy, dead eyes and the skin colored to that of a pale grey ghost, his mouth slightly parted. Hannibal dragged him out of the car and picked the body up so as not to make tracks. He walked for another minute or two where a crowd of bushes and trees grew over a small sliver of stream and stopped.

Franklyn's body was placed gently onto the ground, and his clothes were then ripped off. Once he was fully nude, clothes piled together beside him, Hannibal brought out his hunting knife and began sawing off his limbs, one by one. It was a bloody, tedious mess that took a minute to accomplish. Bone was never easy to get through, but Hannibal was up to the task - he'd had lots of practice.

The heap of body parts that once made up a neurotic named Franklyn were placed into different parts of the forest like the items of a scavenger hunt. Hannibal had saved the head for last. He stared at the dismembered head, appraising his work, noting how clean the cut around the base of the neck was, and nodded his head in approval. He left the head behind a large boulder protruding out of the gloomy night and headed back to his car. Before he touched anything, he took the black latex gloves off and made sure to wrap them one inside the other.

Once back in town, Hannibal remembered his empty stomach; now it was gnawing at itself he was sure. That sly joke provoked a small chuckle and light shone in his eyes. He wondered how he would taste. If desperation ever touched Hannibal, he was sure he would use his own body as a last resort to satiate hunger, but he was not frantic for human flesh at present.

He pulled his car into the driveway and slid up slowly to the intercom.

"Hello, welcome to Burger King! How may I help you?" The voice of a cashier greeted him with as much jolliness as she could muster, which was not much.

"Yes, I think I'll have a burger."

"Okay, would you like that make that a combo?"

"Yes," he replied.

He was in the mood for some fries.

Author’s Note I was made aware that Hannibal’s office and house are two separate locations after I wrote this story! So forgive that little error, but this is also an AU fic so we can pretend.

#hannibal #hannibal lecter #hannibal nbc #hannibal tv #franklyn froideveaux #will graham #hannigram #dark comedy #alternate universe #fanfic #fan fiction #fanfiction #hannibal fanfiction #hannibal fanfic #hannigram fanfic #hannigram fanfiction #a stalker and a knife

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thismountainhastigers · 6 years

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Short Writing Assignment #5

Boldly Going

I never understood the argument that the full history of the universe as science has uncovered it is incompatible with how Christians ought to view God and His works. If anything, understanding the full scope of His creativity and power ought to move a person to worship as much as understanding His love and care. I will concede that the more we understand the universe, the further we move from its center, however, the Christian story is supposed to be about God—not mankind—from start to finish, so why should we fret about being put in our right place with respect to who He is? Why limit his capabilities for the sake of our own pride, especially when the universe could be a much bigger, brighter place if we are willing to see all He is capable of? As a religion, the short-term focus of Christianity is often put on the imperative of loving one’s God and neighbor, but the long-term focus is generally about eternal salvation and the “business of saving souls.” The latter in particular presents a few issues for Christians to face with respect to the possibility of life on other planets, particularly intelligent life. Who (or what) can be “saved”? Are they saved in a manner different from humans? Should we send out missions to the planets around Alpha Centuri, as we first did to the Greeks and Romans and later to the Indians and Koreans? Personally, I believe that there are a few qualifications that need to be met before churches start fundraising mission trips to the far-flung corners of the universe.

The life that we may find in the universe can have a number of implications depending on how developed it is, and the first step on this ladder is that of unicellular life. If we find that life exists at all anywhere else, it would certainly be monumental discovery on top of being a huge opportunity for biologists here on Earth to understand the origins of life (though watching it evolve in real-time may prove to be a bit tiresome). As a whole, I do not see the mere existence of such life forms as any particular threat to the way that Christianity operates today. Even if we move a step further into multicellular organisms, so long as their intelligence does not significantly surpass that of certain animals on Earth (e.g. in terms of tool-making and communicating), such creatures are only another thing to marvel at. Life at these levels is just the result of processes that we already know to occur.

The more intelligent that this hypothetical life becomes, however, the more complicated the situation is for me. I see the next step leading into one of two possibilities: intelligent life and intelligent life that possesses some form of a soul. In this case, we shall define the soul as the source of a person’s reason, individuality, and spirituality, both a part of the body and yet separate at the same time, unknowable by physical means. With respect to the Christian issue of salvation, the eternal nature of a soul is the most important aspect here. Admittedly, I am not sure if the difference between a soulless intelligent being and a souled intelligent being will be readily obvious. Perhaps, as the Turing test is supposed to determine human-like intelligence in machines, we can develop a “Lewis test” to determine the ensoulment of aliens based on his quote from Mere Christianity: “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” The discovery of intelligent life without a soul (assuming we can differentiate between the two) would hold no particular spiritual importance for me; if it is not capable of reaching eternity, then it holds no ultimate or eternal significance. Its existence can still serve to teach us about the nature of God, but overall it still does not turn Christian soteriology on its head. However, should we find beings that do possess souls, there is still one more characteristic they must meet before the issue of salvation comes into play at all.

It is another, equally-important question: are these beings perfect? Perfection, something I doubt we experience on Earth, is slightly more difficult to test for, since we rarely encounter it to know what it looks like. Here, however, I want to make the distinction between perfection and omnipotence. The perfection I would expect to find on another planet is moreso the absence of moral imperfection (“sin” in the Christian tradition), seen in the way members of the species interact with themselves and their planet, than the inability to be any better. It is not the sort of perfection that eliminates the need for improving their species or society as a whole; if life on other planets is subject to the same principles of evolution as life elsewhere, they will not be an unchanging entity. Behavior-wise, I imagine that those that are perfect have little motivation to be better for their own sake; we might notice a larger degree of selflessness among such a species as any desire for improving themselves, their society, or their technology is for the sake of another. The possible existence of a perfect race also requires us to ask how such a species would interact with our own (I doubt that the idea that we as a whole are not perfect is exclusively Christian). For their sake, I would want as little direct contact with them as possible. If such perfection can be lost (as Christian tradition states happened in Eden), I would not want to play a role in instigating the Fall of another species. Regardless of whether or not this Fall is of the spiritual kind or the kind which is more accurately described as physical extinction, I have no doubt that humanity at its worst is capable of that. Encountering an imperfect species levels the playing field in terms of interacting with them. How similar is this discovered species to us? Do they feel any ill-will towards each other? Are they capable of harming another unprovoked? Maybe we can attach a checklist of the seven deadly sins and see how many they meet.

The question of perfection finally brings us to central issue of salvation. As far as I can tell, the only prerequisites for salvation are a soul and imperfection. I also cannot believe that God would allow the existence of a souled, intelligent being and give it no chance to join Him on the otherside. Now that we have established what can be saved, we are left with how they are saved, and just as we cannot limit God’s creative efforts to a single planet, I do not think we can limit salvation to just one method (i.e. Jesus, as we know Him here, complete with incarnation, crucifixion, and resurrection). Is it within His power to do so? Certainly. Does it make sense to leave the salvation of an entire planet to a species too busy pointing nuclear weapons at each other to make time to develop an advanced space program? Absolutely not, especially when we have no idea if the life out there originated billions of years before us or will originate billions of years afterwards. In addition, if God is capable of the creation of a wide array of physical forms, why limit Him to making the same kind of soul for all spiritual beings? I was always under the impression that angels were spiritually distinct from humans, so perhaps this can be the case for the other possible life out there. In that case, a “one-size-fits-all” method of salvation may not exist at all. Perhaps all of the saving is accomplished through God, but the mechanism itself is allowed to differ. In the end, I am not so worried about having to translate the Gospel of John into some alien language. I will be far more troubled to learn that God had abandoned an entire planet for eons rather than reveal Himself in a way different from how He did here.

Before I conclude, I would like to bring up just how much I like Star Trek. Cultural importance (and dated special effects) aside, the show has come the closest at portraying my ideal society, one where people (and non-people) of all backgrounds work together for a common goal: to better understand the universe and its occupants. Just because I think we need not worry about taking the gospel to the ends of the universe does not mean we should avoid contact altogether. Should we encounter intelligent life anywhere else (or it encounters us), though it may turn a few of our religions on their heads for a moment as we find our bearings, I hope we can interact with them in a way that skips over any violent confrontation, and we can start learning from each other. I do not know if their answers to the big questions of life are any better than ours, but if they are, why not share the knowledge? Unfortunately, this hopeful future may be too far off, and not only because we have yet to find evidence for life elsewhere. On Earth, we as a species have a poor history of treating those different from us and still have yet to stop trying to kill each other over such differences. (After all, the original Star Trek series only showed Americans and Russians working alongside each other in the 2200s, and at this rate things are going now it appears they were very optimistic.) That said, I do think a successful interplanetary exchange of knowledge and culture can be accomplished if and when we finally sort ourselves out here. For my lifetime, I will settle for peace on Earth before I spend too much time worrying about peace in the galaxy.

Christians tend to speak out against the idea of “putting God in a box,” yet I see so many trying to limit what God has done in the physical world, brushing off the new possibilities because they do not fit the notion of God that they have constructed for themselves. The Christian story is about God from start to finish, we are fortunate to be along for the ride. We say His love is infinite, and His mercy is infinite, so why limit His creativity, and limit it to ourselves? I have found that I can know God through hearing about what others think of Him, particularly those from a different religious tradition. I imagine I could do the same with any exoplanetary life form as well.

“Be comforted, small immortals. You are not the voice that all things utter, nor is there eternal silence in the places where you cannot come.”

-C.S. Lewis, Perelandra

#writing assignment

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rainbowglitters-and-pixiedust · 7 years

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Happy 2K17!

Hello! It’ been forever since i blogged. It’s finally 2017 now, so HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone! (technically it’s 3rd January today, 3:17am, so I’m about 2-3 days late but that’s okay)

I have always wanted to share what I did for my 21st birthday last year, but my laptop decided to give up on me so here I am now, blogging from a friend’s laptop. (seriously, what would I do without her)

So for my big day, I went out all alone. Yeap, ALONE. I don’t really mind being alone, I’m not a clingy brat and I’d prefer some “me time” too, really. So I did a little shopping. I got myself a new bracelet, finally! My cheap Mickey & Minnie Mouse bracelet was giving up on me too! To be very specific, I got myself a Thomas Sabo Engraveable Bracelet, with “you can’t give up” engraved on it, and a “21″ locket charm to symbolise my 21st. Total costing me about $250, leaving me broke for the entire month of November :’) But hey, I survived!

Trust me I’d really like to post it on tumblr, along with all my other birthday presents that I’ve received but like I said, my laptop screwed up at the wrong time, so... I do have a pic actually, but it shows my cute toes hahahaha but its not a “tumblr-worthy” image anyway so I’d give that a miss. I could also post now to show, but its full w scratches now, bet you can’t see the engraving too.

I specifically choose that quote because yes, I am indeed obsessed with Thomas-Brodie Sangster, and this is one of his dialogues from a deleted scene. A scene in which he said to Dylan O’brien (in The Scorch Trials), “you can’t give up. I wont let you.” Pretty meaningful, don’t you think? I could have engraved the whole line if the space was plenty but its not, think I can only afford 18 alphabets haha. Thankful for this brand, the quote and everything, because it reminded me never to quit or give up, and also for letting me own a -something Thomas- (since I can’t own him) hahahaha!

On New Year, I went out with my boyfriend and his family to Universal Studios Singapore (USS for short) and to be honest, 21 years of living and that was my first time there. I went once for Halloween on 2015, but I couldn’t catch the rides so that wasn’t really my first time.

The first ride we took was my all time favourite; the Transformers Ride!! Mad mad love for Transformers, no idea why. Even my boyfriend thinks i get carried away with fictional characters. But it’s okay, it shows I enjoyed something so much right? (Is it even healthy or normal, anyway)?

Next we took the Jurassic Park ride. Like I said, it was my virgin trip, I had zero clues that USS has water rides. The ride is to sit on a 9-seater circle boat, so it spins as the currents pushes you through. I, out of 9 people, happened to be the UNLUCKY one, on MY FIRST TRIP, was the one who got soaking wet! Legit, I’m not even exaggerating! Syahrin’s sister got wet too, but i got DRENCHED. COMPLETELY SOAKED FROM HEAD TO TOE. My hair (that I’ve straightened, my top that I’ve ironed, my cute socks and shoes.... ) Its bad enough I didn’t bring spare clothes and shoes, to make matters worst, it rained, heavily! I did went to the dry pod to dry myself up, but it’s as useless as a cheapo hairdryer that takes forever and does nothing. Oh and not to mention, not only was my shirt wet, IT STAINED. I was wearing white on that day, and it got wet.... And dirty. Definitely not cool. (Boo). Also, it smelled. Smelled so bad like I haven’t bathe in a week. It was pretty crowded that day since it’s a holiday so imagined how insecure I was. Yes, I could purchase a shirt from the gift shop, but who would spend $30 on a plain “UNIVERSAL STUDIOS SINGAPORE” top? Sorry, not me. I’m broke af.

Afterwards we took the Puss in Boots ride. Also a 9 seater so we don’t have to split but I sat out on the corner so every turn makes it scarier! At this point the rain was still drizzling, so its not that bad. Puss in Boots is like a normal ride, Still thrilling, tho.

We managed to catch a Revenge of the Mummy ride, and that was CCC-RRRR-AAA-YYYY-ZZZZ-YYYY!! Insane! You name it! It’s bad enough the ride is indoor, and dark, and cold, but it has no seatbelts! All I had was a freaking bar in between my legs to grab and hold on tight to, and it was insane. Lit but insane! You move forward, backwards, and all the other directions you could possibly think of! My heart nearly stopped and came out of me, and I twisted my arms through the small gap on the bar to give myself extra security. Even that wasn’t enough.

By the time we stepped out of the Mummy ride, the rain was already heavy. USS doesn’t provide too many shelters, and their shelter space was small. Imagine about 80 people of all shapes and sizes, cramming under one small shelter, and some other people passing thru... Not cool. Nope. It rained for what seems like forever, so many outdoor rides had to stop, sadly. I really wanted to take the 2 outdoor Galactica rides. But luck wasn’t with me. It’s okay, perhaps next time.

The rain continued all the way and we braved through the rain to other shelters to find food, but Singapore is all about making money, and a regular hotdog bun with fries and a soft drink cost $13. No thanks. We took another boring indoor ride, the Madagascar ride just to kill time but the rain was still.... Heavy.

We managed to find another larger shelter and by then the rain has started to show mercy, so we managed to capture some pics. After all that, we left the place with the unsatisfied feeling of not being able to catch all the rides.

I’m guessing we went at a wrong time since it’s quite a monsoon season in Singapore right now, but it was a good experience. A good start to my 2017 really, cos days before 2016 ended, Syahrin and I talked about going USS and on 1st January, his mom decided to take us there. A blessing indeed. Syukran.

I believed things happened for a reason, and tho we couldn’t catch the other rides, I’m still thankful for this trip. thankful and blessed to have known Syahrin and his perfectly beautiful family.

Knowing Syahrin has definitly been my biggest blessing since 2013. His family is really accepting and perfect, and it’s with them I got to experience many “first time”. My first time to Adventure Cove, USS and many more. Thank you Allah, for giving me an opportunity to have known Syahrin and his wonderful family.

I can’t wait to see what 2017 has in store for me, and may it be a better year for me. In Sha Allah, Amin.

Till next time, xoxo.

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