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maladaptive-ninja-returns · 5 years

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The Siren & The Healer (1)

Natasha Romanoff arc

Chapter 1: The Mission

Platonic Natasha x fem!Reader, Loki x fem!Reader (soulmates?)

Theme: With cracks between the most powerful superheroes of the earth, Natasha Romanoff does not find rest when she is assigned on a mission to find the missing pieces of a puzzling power that once nearly got into the hands- rather, tentacles- of Hydra. In order to unearth the pieces, she must dig through her own past and make a decision that might decide the fate of the earth in the coming wars.

Series: Will contain violence, death, destruction, softness, fluff, smut, friendship, and whatnot

Chapter warnings: sometimes dreams are hotter than your realities.

A/N: This was written a few years ago with an OC in mind so reader has a name but it is a reader insert.

Word Count: Toooo tired. Must sleep. But weird dreams. What to do.

MASTERLIST in bio, love

Time: 1600 hrs

Location: WAKANDA

“Two years. I go away for two years and these pea-brained men break the one thing I have worked so hard on.”

Even pissed, Fury looked the cutest to Natasha. She could tell he was trying his best to seem enraged but this assassin had known the ex-director of SHIELD long enough to tell when he was feeling something and depicting something else.

“You may have brought them together with one goal, Nick, but the boyband had different agendas.”

“And what did the only woman of the boyband want?”

She could feel the softness in his rigid voice. It only went soft when he knew. This time, just like every other, he wasn’t wrong. “The woman wanted those pea-brained men to work it out. But now she’s gone solo for a while. She said screw them. She wants some me-time.”

Fury chuckled before taking Natasha into his embrace. The hug was partly because he had missed his favourite spy and mostly because he realised amongst all that had gone down in the past few weeks, she had been the only one searching for a neutral ground.

"Hmm," Natasha hummed as she finally broke away from the warm hug and looked at Fury, "staying in with Goose is really making you mushy, Nick."

Fury scoffed and Natasha chuckled. "Please! You are the only one who gets the hugs. Don't tell Barton that. Or Tony for that matter. I don't know how he'll use it against me. And I don't wanna know."

This was nice. Natasha was already feeling better now that she was away from the constant conflict and brooding- not to mention discreet pining- of her two boys. Wakanda was welcoming. The air was like no other. Wrapped up in the warmth of the African sun, bringing with it the coolness of the forests along with the local beats, cuddling with nature while prospering faster than the rest of the earth in every term. Tony would love this, she thought to herself, though he would be more curious about the genius mind behind all of this and readily try to recruit them.

Children scuttled about, playing hop-scotch and hide-and-seek, their innocent and restraint-free cackles filling the air with their mellifluous everyday fun. The local shops had quite a variety of accessories lined up for everyone. Bags and baskets made with intricate handiwork, decorated with beads, stones and soft clay tones of art depicting the everyday Wakandan life. Many even had the Dora Milage adorning them. Masterpieces, truly. But that was not all. Young girls and boys had their own sections in the square to display their latest science projects. A girl had made a miniature help-bot, taking requests for the books you wanted in the library and fetching it for you- here, from the topmost shelf of the lone bookstand that housed all the books this young one had read at least twice. Another group had designed gloves for the elderly and the ones suffering from Parkinson's to help them with their daily routines. The gloves had the ability to absorb vibrations and motions and convert it into electricity to help the person charge their device by holding them.

"Ndingayifumana le?" Natasha asked the little girl sitting with her mother at one of the sections selling their hand-made backpacks, pointing at the one in all black adorned with stones and metals around the purple outline of a panther.

The girl smiled at her and nodded. Her wavy brown hair bounced as she skipped to the back of the shop to get a jute bag to wrap the backpack in before running back to the front. "Ndiza kwabelana ngemfihlo kunye nawe," the little one mentioned, gesturing from her hands to lean closer to her. Natasha did exactly what the girl asked her to, genuinely interested in what secrets she was about to spill. "Inepokotho efihliweyo apho unokuzifihla imipu yakho," she whispered, showing her customer the secret compartment.

Natasha 'ooh'ed in excitement.

"Nala," her mother gave her a stern stare but her voice was soft for her child.

"Ngu-Black Widow, umama," the little one stressed towards her mother, making Natasha feel a mild jolt in her heart.

"Does everyone here know who I am?" she had to ask Fury, who merely shrugged.

"Well, you got them their favourite broken white boy, so..." he flailed his hands.

Taking the backpack carefully packed and put inside the jute bag, Natasha and Fury walked towards the road less travelled- towards Shuri’s laboratory.

The lab itself was a brilliant piece of work. Natasha could really feel the waves from every wall and equipment declaring they were Shuri's and they would always be Shuri's- loyal to the bone. And yet the air was the most welcoming to her- along with the scarce number of people greeting her with a smile on her way. But the brilliant young scientist was nowhere to be seen for now.

"So, what is it Fury?" she finally had to ask, "you drag me away from my me-time at Bora Bora to this spectacular lab."

Nick's smile was warm.

Uh-oh, Natasha thought, that meant trouble.

He gestured her towards the private office. "You and I both know you could have not survived Bora Bora for even three days, woman."

She chuckled. Well, he wasn't wrong.

“I have some work for you. Actually, it was Nakia who brought in the work. So, you can thank her or curse her.”

Fury waved his hand over the table to produce a holograph of virtual files in front of him. He opened up the first one and produced newspaper clippings.

"Remember the faint 2012 rumours among the people in the black market about an ancient weapon that had been 'discovered' somewhere in India that could, and I quote, ‘wipe out an entire state, even an entire country if used...correctly’. Hydra had been looking for the weapon at that time. They even discovered the location of the weapon but for some reason lost contact with their team the very day they were supposed to move it."

Natasha looked at the screen, an uneasy emotion clouding her face. Fury saw her hand move to the side of her stomach.

“The entire team vanished.” She said, looking at the images of recorded conversations of Hydra. “How many were there?”

Fury did not take his eyes off of her.

“Five. Three assassins, one translator, one strategist.”

Natasha was confused now.

“Assassins to handle a weapon?”

Fury nodded, “Look at the conversations from a week before the D-day. They talked about some sort of organisation or a coven. The weapon was either fortified or was being exploited by them. Either case required them to move it effortlessly, no matter the lives it cost.”

Natasha moved through the files for more information.

“How huge is this weapon?”

“We don’t know. Here, play the last conversation recorded by the Hydra HQ with their extraction team.”

Natasha clocked on the audio file. The entire room was filled with the crackling noise from the conversation.

Voice 1: HQ! Are you there? *heavy breathing*

Voice 2: Yes, this is HQ.

Voice 1: Is the line secure?

Voice 2: The line is secure. Confirm your status.

Voice 1: We have discovered the whereabouts of the weapon. There has been a casualty from the enemy’s side. The Director needs to hear this.

Voice 2: Where is the weapon?

Voice 1: Call the Director to the phone right now. We are on our way to the extraction location. *in the background* Carlos, Thomas, ready your weapons.

Voice 3: Boss, something’s wrong. The bomb, it’s gone off.

Voice 1: What?! Son of a bitch! Carlos! You were supposed to wait for the signal.

Voice 3: It’s not my fault! I didn’t do anything. Something’s wrong.

Voice 2: What is happening?

Voice 1: Why is there no signal? We lost the tracker. Boys! What is going on?

Voice 4: I cannot reach Alyn. He’s not responding.

*sound of tire screeching to a halt*

Voice 1: What the hell? Is that Alyn on the ground?

Voice 4: Oh no! Oh God no! Look!

Voice 2: What is going on there? Confirm your status!

Voice 1: It’s coming for us. Get out of here. It’s coming for us.

Voice 3: There’s something in the shadows. Goddammit, it’s huge!

*a screeching sound and periodic hum followed by screams *

*the line goes blank*

“What was that?”

“My guess right now is as good as yours. I have people working on the frequencies to see if they match some alien source that we have met before. Apart from that, is this,” Fury concluded as he handed her a file.

Natasha took the file. Zelda-Kane 12-16, it read.

“Nakia was hunting down a group involved in human trafficking across the African continent and south Asia when she came across someone who was quite closely related to the mission.”

She turned the pages to look at the detailed work and findings of the Wakandan spy and came across a photograph. Her fingers stopped.

"Yuri Chekhov- the director of the failed mission to bring the weapon under the tentacles of Hydra. He has been involved with the group for some time now."

Fury knew he didn't even have to say his name for Natasha remembered that face all too well.

And suddenly she was back in the Red Room with a much younger version of Yuri standing in front of him, covered in blood all over, his dead grey eyes looking straight through her. Trying to find that little girl with red eyes inside Natalia. The girl who could bring chaos without blinking.

Fury's voice brought her back.

"He was operating through India for the past five years. No dirty dealings, no weapons exchange on the black market, nothing- almost like this guy was trying to stay under the radar."

"And he's made a move recently. That's why I'm here. That’s why you are here." Natasha was calm as ever.

That was what Fury admired the most about her. He knew this was going to hit home but he also knew Natasha Romanoff was not the one to let it get in the way.

"He was sighted in Vienna last week. So was Hansel Meldrake- the one who's behind all alien remnants market in Europe. He is the one involved with the notorious group that supplies his scientists with test subjects. All of them victims of human trafficking”

Fury closed the hologram and passed a flash drive to Natasha.

She looked out the window and breathed. It was evening already.

The city outside was lit up like it was celebrating tonight. He saw her admiring the view before realizing it wasn’t the city she was looking at.

“Now if you want I can contact—”

"No. You're not contacting anyone," her composed voice declared in one go, "I can handle this alone."

He knew it would come to this. He had always known.

"Natasha. I won't have your back on this one. We won't be meeting any time soon. The only reason this file is in your hands is because of Nakia. Are you sure you want to take these guys down alone? At least Cli-"

"Don’t." Natasha closed the file in a flash and he knew he couldn't do anything now.

And she was back in the Red Room standing in front of Yuri, looking into his dead, grey eyes.

Rusalka, they said in the most innocent yet dead voice.

"It's time I faced some demons alone."

He felt the softness of those hands again. So tender. So warm. Yet, they are not his mothers. Mother had a different way about her touch. These? These are different. Too soft. Too welcoming. Why? No pair of hands has been as welcoming to him. Ever. All of them had a motive. All of them wanted something.

"What do you want?" he shouted at them.

They didn't say anything. Only kept caressing him. Gentle strokes on his forehead, absorbing away all heaviness form his head, combing his hair, letting some manner of light enter them at every nuzzle of those fingers.

Too comfortable for his own good.

"Who are you?"

The same voice came back again.

It was the same feminine voice he heard when he was on the verge of standing by the gates of Hel.

Oh, Valhalla, who is this utterly blasphemous ray of sunshine snatching me from the claws of death?

"Hey, weasel! Wake Up!"

Loki's eyes shot open, his lungs gasping for air as he shot himself to the other end of the ship to get away from whatever menace had been hovering over him.

"Holy shit!" the raccoon spoke without hesitation- even a tad bit of excessive boldness one might say- while Loki looked around at the faces judging him from head to toe.

"Damn! Is he homeless?" He heard the man in the weird leather jacket speak.

"I am Groot," said the little Groot.

"No, we adopted Mantis because she is one of the good guys. We still have to figure this one out," the racoon spoke again.

And that's when he saw her.

And she saw him, her immaculate green face feeling a mild shock before scrunching up her face.

"You!" Loki and Gamora said in unison, reverberating with the vibes to take out their daggers to slit the other's throat any second now.

And before anyone else could even speculate about that reaction, daggers were out, fingers were curled into fists, teeth snarling at each other and legs covering the distance between them to just snap at each other right at that moment.

"Would you two stop or do I have to knock you out like last time?"

The figure casually leaning by the freezer announced before gulping down the beer bottle in her hand. She sounded tired. Maybe she was.

"Nebula," Loki greeted the other sister with less contempt as compared to the other. "You and your sister better have a good reason to kidnap me."

Both scoffed and chuckled while the other man raised his brow with no understanding of what exactly was going on.

"Um, excuse me-"

"Is he who calls himself the Star-Lord?" Loki thought out loud, looking at Peter standing there, words that were interrupted now dissolving in his mouth.

"Well, yes I am Star-" he was on the edge of blushing, really hard, when Loki interrupted him again.

"Is this the man you chose to love, Gamora?!" he nearly guffawed, leaving Quill shocked; hurt too when Loki clutched his stomach because the laughter hurt him too much.

"I hate this guy," Peter muttered. Rocket simply shrugged. "I mean that was my reaction too, Quill. Can't really blame him, ya know."

"What the hell are you even doing here, Loki Odinson." Gamora made sure she stressed the last word as much as she could, to pinch Loki right where it hurt.

Loki looked at her with a questioning gaze before shrugging. "I don't know."

"I mean, one moment I was dying and the next-" he gestured at the entirety surrounding him.

"Hm, what sort of demon is keeping you from dying and returning to hell?" Nebula quirked, biting into the blue strawberries kept specially for her on the ship.

Loki sighed, reforming every little detail inside his dream, every little touch, every minute excitement that his nerves felt. He could feel every bit of sensation all over again. Well, that was the thing- he could feel everything and yet, for some reason, he could not remember that face.

"Whoever that was," he was thinking out loud without even noticing, "was one heck of a demon."

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in-paradox-space · 6 years

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when I'm high I'm able to realize nothing matters so I shouldn't worry about it. Shit doesn't always have to be bad, I can find happiness.

its been a long week and i have thoughts to purge.

When I'm not high I think about how everything is meaningless. We're tirelessly destroying the planet (probably) to keep our lives and expansion going but none of it matters. I am sad, empty and can't find reasons to be happy.

I think about a girl who I've only met twice in my life. She's not my type... If I even have a type. It hurts how much I want to be with her. I've stopped trying to make sense of it. I'm trying to ignore my feelings. Hoping one day the pain will stop. I'd go through so much pain if I knew I was guaranteed time with her at the end of it though. I spoke about her in September...

During my huge one week MDMA comedown which made me want to quit everything for good. It took a few weeks but I got over her. She was on my mind every second though. I couldn't make sense of it as I only met her once. I put it down to being very low after taking so much drugs and the fact that I literally never hang out with girls.

I put it down to that this time as well. 3 or 4 months later I got to meet her again. Last week, I went into town with two other friends. We met up with her there. I did coke for the first time that night too. Friday, December 15 2017 and the early hours the next day. I did coke. I almost got off with a 35 year old woman but my friends were there to stop me. We went to the girls house that night too. I sort of cuddled her while she slept but I was wide awake.

It was awkward but I was taking in the moment. The other two friends were in the same bed too. It was awkward. They was telling me to cuddle her. I would've never made that move myself. It felt like an arranged marraige. It was awkward because I knew she probably didn’t want me there but she kept saying its alright I can hold her.

In the end I just sat by myself, on my phone, wide awake, almost the last of my cough syrup, cocaine and too much booze slurring my mind left to right, while the others slept. We left at 10amish, went back to my friends house.

Last night. Two days ago. Wednesday. The girl and those two friends went into town again, but I was at my dads place so I didn't come along. Real shit if I knew she was there I might have just got a train that day. Maybe it was best I didn't. So my good bro, uhhhhh they all did MD, not a lot but they blacked out because they was drinking.

I need to stop going into so much detail here. I just feel like I'll read back on these in a few years and I don't want to forget. Why does it matter though?

Well, the girl I like said that my bro was making moves on her and probably fucked her that night. His gf was there too. Nobody remembers so nobody is really viable here.

(switching from mobile to PC typing here)

The girl seems to remember¿

well I think my friend and his gf are probably gonna break up for good. My friends pretty unstable right now.

I was planning on spending a nice night with a different friend, who would never get himself into this kind of mess, he's having a lot of people round and I wanted to be there.

I'm probably gonna be in a hospital waiting room with my friend the whole night though. Being alone right now can't be good for him. Being alone is painful for me right now. I used to like it.

so how do i feel about this?

a little imbalanced. a lot of different feelings.

I slept a full day after the coce.

I came down hard. My liver has been having some problems so I’m stopping drinking for good.

Had a funeral on the Monday. My grandmothers.

It’s sad to see her go.

It was a hopeful funeral though. A lot of tears but she knew how to turn a bad thing into a good thing. There was that feeling there. Surrounded by good family with good intentions and bad pasts.

Went to my fathers, on the other side of the country, later that day.

I’ve been so depressed there. In that wintery void.

I’ve been getting fevers and illnesses, likely from my liver. Nausea, fatigue, headaches, loss of appetite, unfortunately no weight loss (typical).

I had way too much of being isolated and alone on wednesday.

I came back yesterday. Was so depressed in the morning but I saw my friends. Had two joints with my bro which I mentioned before. I very rarely smoke weed. It was cool. I felt great.

Then the drama unfolded. My friend and his gf started arguing like fucking crazy. I was sat there for two hours extremely stoned and panicked by the screaming. I wanted to leave. His gf was telling me not to. Partly out of an awkward politeness, partly because she didn’t want my bro to be alone after the breakup because he’s usually unstable after they argue.

I left, went home, there was no electricity. Had to wait until today until I got more. Just slept in the dark.

I’ve been doing nofap for the past 3 weeks. Dying of liver failure (exaggeration) has made it easier because I really don’t have much libido.

I keep having wet dreams though. It’s common when you don’t fap, you just kinda let loose in your dreams.

They’re really inconvenient though because I have to change my underwear and shower.

I usually wear the same underwear for 3 days until I shower.

I wash my clothes like once every 2 weeks.

I had to wear an old pair of underwear last night.

A lot of people do but nobody ever really talks about it.

Now. Friday.

A lot went down in the past week.

I’ve been thinking about that girl every minute of the past week. Really fucking sad because I don’t have her.

There’s nothing going on in my life really.

I’m not making it out like that isn’t my fault for not actively making sure I have something to occupy me. That’s just how it is.

I’m gonna find work next year so I’m occupying myself with something, getting outside. This sad, empty loneliness is too much.

The fact that being around one girl for one night makes me think of her for the weeks ahead is just an eyeopener

I really need to get out more

I need to interact with more people

obviously I don’t really feel for that girl and no other girl

its just the fact that I was with her that night, along with the fact my serotonin is low and looking for a pick me up after the drugs and I have no other females on my mind to turn to

i have female friends yes but not IRL, I don’t really get feelings for them

I’m sick of the sadness.

I want to stop drugs. I have stopped codeine. I really have. I have no way to get more codeine other than CWE cocodomol pills which can be laborious to supply.

I haven’t touched it in weeks, other than 3 days where I kept overdosing just to feel high, the 3 days before the 15th.

I stopped for a week before then, went through the physical withdrawal.

I gave all the pills to my friend. They’re too expensive to just flush and I want to take them to America because people there appreciate it for more than just a painkiller.

This lifestyle.

It’s harming me in so many ways.

I want to find real sources of happiness. Not short term fixes.

I want to find my rat park.

During the sadness and isolation from friends (my dads place) I just wanted to be high

I just

I was so sad

I rarely smoke weed but I smoked it yesterday

because I wanted to remember what it was like when the sadness didn’t hurt or disconnect you.

It doesn’t hurt as much today as I’m not as under-stimulated.

I want to repair my liver. I’ve always had liver problems but I didn’t realize how seriously it was getting until recently.

The heavy drinking and daily codeine overdoses (300mg-520mg at a time) have been killing it off. I’ve been high on painkillers every day so I didn’t notice the liver pains.

I hope it’s not permanent. I’m getting symptoms of liver damage still but the liver pains have stopped.

and yeah

its hard but I’m stopping drugs

If i continue, I will come to a point when it isn’t a choice and it will be even harder

I’m planning to save up and do a big fucking sesh in january or february then not do drugs again except for maybe the occasional xtc every few months, or acid if i ever get the chance

i was going to invite the guys i went with on friday but they’ve all fallen out (probably) because of the drama

Februaryish, imma invite the girl out on the weekend

hopefully shes still single

we’ll get high if she even says yes, idk if she will. she has reasons to and reasons not to.

I’ll just tell her, I think shes awesome and I want to see her more.

She was never mine anyway. If this scares her away, so be it. I got over her last time, I’ll do it this time and I’ll do it again.

I have nothing to lose.

I think she just wants meaningless sex and drunken nights though.

I thought I wanted that but I don’t.

All I care about is being happy with friends.

Talking about random shit, often shitfaced, all night.

Whenever I get a chance with girls, I feel uncomfortable at the thought of it.

I don’t want to fuck girls. I am attracted to them but idk

i would rather just spend time with them

will I be like this forever

I know it isnt normal

I do sometimes make out with people I don’t know. guys or girls

but if I get to know them at all it throws me off

Like, they’re not anonymous, there’s a name to the face now, they know who I am.

I feel like there’s a witness to it, even if it’s only them

and I mainly associate shame, not pleasure, with sex.

Then there’s a witness to validate the shame.

I like this girl.

I had chances to make moves. I didn’t want to.

It’s like, if I do then it’s final. It’s a one night fling and nothing more. I also may have scared her away. I’m so ugly recently and I doubt she would’ve been into me then.

I was so happy just talking with her, fuckfaced, about everything.

It felt like I had a new IRL friend. I just want to talk with her

I wanted to be able to see her again.

If I did anything, even a kiss, with her that night then I’d feel ashamed whenever I thought about it.

Then the memory of her would be tainted.

she was high though

I doubt shes interested in me at all

but fuck it

after I’m over her, I can look at her objectively again

she’s just another regular young girl/woman

which isnt a bad thing

but it means I can look at her clearly, without all these feelings clouding my vision.

then every weekend

I’ll make plans with people, just so I can invite her out too

‘hey im gonna be in town with some friends this weekend, do u wanna come along we need more people’

sure, it’ll be weird

but the offer of free cocaine must take her fancy one night

and thats it

I’ll act like the world is ending

we’ll have a good time

and I’ll talk about what’s been eating me up for over half a year

Sure, I might get rejected but it must be easier than just carrying on, knowing she will go her separate way when it could have been.

I need closure. I don’t even think she’s the one or see a future with her, although that’d be great too.

I just want to go out with her for a few weeks, maybe half a year or so. then we both lose interest in each other, she dumps me

BUT I’LL HAVE CLOSURE THEN. IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE. MY FEELINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN PURGED. I USED TO BE HEARTLESS; IMMUNE TO THESE FEELINGS! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

I’m not gonna say ooo i love you, or anything

I’m not gonna ask her out

I’ll just say I really fucking like her, I think she’s great and I’d love to be able to see you often.

something like that

she can say whatever she thinks

probably that its weird i invited her out after all the drama that happened with my friends yesterday(current tense, as im typing this)

At least I will know then.

Man, I hope she doesn’t have someone by then but I won’t be surprised if she does.

so today

christmas is a good time isn’t it?

for me its lonely.

everything stops.

winter is already sad enough.

everyone wants to be with family, but the only day ill be with family is christmas day itself

im glad i get to be with my friends today, that was a nice surprise,

although i might have to leave to be with josh so that he doesnt hurt himself.

oops. mentioned his name, his anonymity has been erased. voila.

ive been typing my thoughts her for like an hour

a lot of shit I forgot to mention

but yeah

i need to do a lot of shit which ive been putting off

shower, wash my clothes, pay for electricity, go to my friends. im currently on emergency credit and i only remembered that was a thing an hour ago. after i slept in the dark.

I feel sad that I’ll probably not be with her, but in time that will pass.

I feel sad because winter is coming, i have nothing to occupy my time.

this will all pass in time, it hurts now, but I will feel happy again soon enough.

hang in there

#personal #her #drugs #long text post #so yeah im 'quitting' again

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selfcompassion88 · 5 years

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25.05.19

It’s currently 2:37am right now to be exact and I’m sitting at my desk writing this. I’m sleepy as hell but I wanted to write this while these lingering thoughts are still fresh. I don’t know what it is but I think I’m just born to be someone who’s just very unlucky in love. I think I’m an exception to love. It’s silly but part of me feels like I’m the reason people around me haven’t been in love either. That I somehow radiate a vibe that prevents people who are close to me from getting into relationships. I’ve thought about it over and over again and I wonder what makes me so different. Why is it that boys want nothing to do with me, don’t want to date me or get into a relationship with me? I would hope it’s not because I’m terrible-looking or have an awful personality. Or maybe it’s because I’m too talkative or direct. I think that boys don’t know how to approach me (that’s if any even have the intention of approaching me) because I’m awkward and that perhaps they can somehow see through me and notice how much insecurity I harbor. I’m sick of wondering what’s wrong with me and questioning why I’m not good enough. I’m sick of comparing myself to girls who actually get approached by guys and/or are in relationships. I guess I just want to know what makes ME so different. In my life I feel like boys are insects and something about my aura acts as bug spray warding off all male species. Frickin I don’t even have one guy friend. So today a guy who was a lot older than I was thought I was flirting with him. All my coworkers were making fun of me in my ear-piece while I was serving him which made me feel super awkward, embarrassed and I blushed real hard because of it. Because of my reaction I think he gradually conjured up this idea that I was into him and flirting with him and therefore was nervous around him. He didn’t seem turned off by it just super uncomfortable. Before he walked away he asked me for my name. Turns out he was one of my coworker’s friends. She later on said to me and I quote “he told me that the little Asian girl at the counter was flirting with him……and that she was so awkward” or something along those lines. Man I go through such a rough, awkward patch when it comes to communicating with boys. Like what the hell do u talk about? How do u keep a convo going? I. DON’T. KNOW. I feel like I should write this down so I can remember for when I read back on it, but I was NOT flirting with him. He looked 27-35 years old, he had greys in his hair and he wasn’t bad looking but he definitely isn’t the type of guy I’d even think about flirting with. I don’t flirt. Period. I can’t even hold a basic conversation let alone talk smoothly with a guy long enough to get his details (which is the purpose of flirting right?). Anyway the whole point of me writing this experience down was to kind of explain how unlucky I am with boys. I never get approached and when a situation remotely similar comes along in terms of a guy maybe seeming a little interested in me, it turns out that they think I’m nothing more than this ‘little Asian girl who seemed awkward when flirting’. Another thing that happened this week….so there’s this guy who use to work at Vodafone across from my work. A few months ago I stopped seeing him. I assumed he quit or maybe he transferred to a different store. He’s so cute. Cute in the way where he doesn’t really know how cute he is which makes him even more appealing to me. We always made eye contact back when he worked at my shopping centre and sometimes he even smiled at me. Often though I get so awkward when we make eye contact. For some reason my instinct is always to make it seem like I’m not interested in them (as in look at them fleetingly and without purpose) so that they don’t feel uncomfortable because damn in high school did I make some guys feel uneasy with how often I stared. Anyway, from that I don’t think he thinks I’m interested. I went to another shopping centre the other day and by coincidence I saw him working there. I caught him looking at me twice and even noticed him watching me as I left another store but not in a creepy way just in the way where I can tell he notices me. Today he came into my work, definitely by chance I think, and he was with a girl, maybe his girlfriend, maybe a friend or a cousin, I’ll never know. If I served him and it was just he and I alone maybe I’d be brave enough to ask for his name and mention how I saw him at work the other day but we weren’t and so I didn’t. Sometimes I think that life is too short and that maybe I should just go for it. Tell a stranger he’s cute if he is, ask for a guy’s number or casually start conversation with an attractive guy even though I’d be terribly awkward. I mean I’m never going to see them again right? But I actually can’t will myself to do it because then I’d just sit in my room replaying the conversation and ruminating about how embarrassing it was. Again, my point is (haha) that my luck with guys is pretty tragic. First of all he was with a girl who could have potentially been his girlfriend (damn all the good ones are always taken) and secondly he never approaches me despite the many opportunities he’s had to do so. I can’t blame him though, some of it was partly my fault since I most likely came across as disinterested and also maybe he just straight up wasn’t interested in me at all like that. I’m not gonna lie but the past week or so I guess a few more things have happened to me in regards to male interaction. Not very proud of this one (but it counts), but in Craigeburn a few days ago a middle-aged man on the phone looked intensely at me and smiled while I was with my best friend and said hello to me, or to us, I’m not sure. I kind of just gave him the side-eye, said hello really bluntly and walked away. I mean that doesn’t happen to too many people right so it’s flattering to say the least. Part of me also thinks that maybe my unluckiness with men has a lot to do with karma. I did rudely reject the security guard at my work who was just being (creepily) nice and then talked about him (in a not very nice way) with my coworkers which wasn’t fair to him. And then I rejected my coworker but to be fair he was low-key a dick. He only wanted something casual knowing FULLY WELL I was inexperienced and was mostly not ready for whatever he wanted, plus he talks about women so badly which caused me to lose a bit of respect for him. On top of that I did reject 6-7 tinder guys quite inconsiderately. Damn I feel like a bitch when I write all this down but look, I’ve never really had experience with guys liking me before let alone getting to a stage where I have to reject them and so I didn’t know how to go about it. Plus I felt like I wasn’t that special anyway and so they wouldn’t be that disappointed if I did. Well anyway, if it is karma, whoever’s out there I just want you to know that I’VE LEARNT MY LESSON and I’ve become more understanding and considerate from this. I don’t know, I feel like after writing this post I just seem unappreciative of the times boys have come my way and sooky when they haven’t. But (and I hope I’m not asking for too much when I say this) for once I’d like to know how it feels to actually be in a RELATIONSHIP (not just a fling) with someone who I really like. I know I’m still young but I can’t help but crave that puppy love that most people my age have already experienced, that (mostly) unfamiliar feeling of getting butterflies when talking to someone or kissing them, wanting to be in their arms, talking and laughing non-stop and after each date thinking “wow, I like you so much and I really got so lucky meeting you”. It’s so strange to type it out but I hold out this hope that maybe I’m different, that the reason why it’s taking so long or why fate has yet to put in my path someone who I could be in a long-term relationship with is because they’re waiting for the right time for when I’m secure with myself, happy and at peace with the thoughts that go on in my mind. I kind of have hope that maybe, whoever’s out there, is paving a path for me clear of all boys I could potentially be interested in because they know it’s not time yet and so when it is and I do meet someone who I fall deeply in love with, it would be perfect and everything will work out like how it’s meant to; like in the books. I also know that this isn’t super realistic and I’m not some special girl in romance novels in which fate is always on her side. I’m just an ordinary girl who’s not different from any other person in this world and so it’s all just a matter of chance and timing, and therefore it’s not all planned out. I’m almost done writing out this thought entry and half way through I’m thinking “WTF am I writing? Half of this doesn’t even make sense”. This is kind of a selfish post. In it I’m not gonna mention anything about bettering myself and finding a greater purpose outside of love and boys, its simply just a direct reflection in which, to sum up, I’m basically saying “I kind of want to be in a relationship right now and there’s nothing wrong with craving a little male attention”. I know what and how I should be thinking; that boys shouldn’t be the reason for your happiness, that you should create happiness within yourself because nobody can give you that but you. But sometimes I just have to be a little honest with myself, peel off all the layers that are trying to mask this feeling and straight up just acknowledge what I truly desire. And there’s nothing wrong with that because it’s not like it’s my main purpose in life and I trust myself enough to never ever let it become that. There’s no harm in wanting to be loved and craving it sometimes.

#love #relationships #fate

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gabriellakirtonblog · 6 years

Text

Why Personal Training Is So Much Harder for Female Fitness Pros

Years ago, I had this client. Let’s call her Sara.

As I do with all my clients, and you do with yours, I used my time and energy to develop a plan to help her get results.

Then one day she told me I was wrong. Actually, she told me her husband said I was wrong. My nutrition advice was off base, he’d told her. And he would know. He’d been a bodybuilder once. Thirty years ago.

Inside my head, a little voice was saying, “Um, pardon me?” Out loud, I stammered something about nutrition research having come a long way since then. “Well, okay,” she said. But I could tell she wasn’t convinced.

Over the following weeks, she ignored much of my advice as her husband continued to pick it apart. And guess who she blamed when she didn’t get results. No, not him.

I finally spoke up. “If we’re going to keep training together,” I told her, “you absolutely cannot listen to your husband.”

I explained that ethically, I couldn’t keep taking her money if she was going to disregard my advice. What’s more, her lack of results reflected poorly on me.

I still remember her bewildered look. But after a few moments of paralyzed silence, she agreed. She started following my advice and lost 10 pounds in four weeks.

I wish I could say this was a one-off, but it wasn’t. Over the years — especially early in my career — I’ve dealt with skepticism from both male and female clients.

Fact is, while women have made great strides in the fitness industry, in many ways it’s still a man’s world. And many women trainers feel we must work twice as hard to be taken half as seriously.

I see this in gyms all the time: men “correcting” women’s form (the fitness version of mansplaining), or holding a captive audience while spouting “bro science.” Meanwhile, the women don’t project nearly that level of confidence, even though they should.

As a trainer for 10 years and founder of the Female Trainer Society, I help women grow their fitness businesses. That means finding ways to overcome this challenge, including the following seven steps.

1. Believe in Yourself

Thankfully I haven’t had to deal with this in a long time. Yes, I’m more experienced now. But I’m more confident too. As a result, my clients are more confident in me.

Confidence is key, and it’s something many of us struggle with. I’ve heard unqualified men deliver poor fitness advice with such gusto that it sounds credible. I’ve also heard well-qualified women hedge their good advice, welcoming skepticism.

If you sound like you’re doubting yourself, your clients won’t believe you.

And I get it. Negative thoughts happen. What’s helped me is realizing that those negative thoughts are just that — thoughts. Too often people identify with their thoughts and accept them as truth. But you are not your thoughts. In fact, you can change them.

Try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones (“I am the expert”), or just blow right past them. Swallow those “ums” and “uhs” and “maybes.” Speak boldly.

READ ALSO: “Five Ways to Deal with a Client Who Challenges You”

2. Act Fast

Looking back, I wish I had spoken up to Sara sooner. Instead, I let the problem slide for weeks, and when she failed to see results she blamed me.

She wasn’t wrong. As a trainer, I take 100 percent responsibility for my clients — if they don’t see results, it’s my fault, not theirs.

If you go to the dentist to have a cavity filled and a week later your tooth is in pain, are you to blame? Heck no! The dentist screwed up. That error is on them.

Back then, I didn’t understand this as clearly as I do now. I ignored red flags for too long and wasted both our time.

Speaking up isn’t easy, and despite your instinct, your brain will come up with a million excuses to keep your mouth shut. Entrepreneur Mel Robbins has suggested that if you don’t act on a goal within five seconds, your brain will kill it.

So don’t wait. Remember that speaking up is your responsibility. Your client may not like what she hears at first. But she’ll like it much less a month from now, when she finds out you allowed the problem to persist.

READ ALSO: “Your Client Stopped Getting Good Results. Now What?”

3. Speak from a Place of Care

Women can have a hard time being assertive. That’s partly because assertive women are too often seen as aggressive or hostile. Many of us wrestle with that. We don’t want to be seen as bossy, but we do want to be respected.

Luckily, I have a solution: Pretend your client is your grandmother. This is how I talk to all my clients. It helps me stay calm, patient, and polite.

If Grandma questions your advice, you don’t respond in anger. You calmly explain how and why it’s going to benefit her in terms she understands. You tell her you care about her and want her to achieve her goals.

This helps me strike an empathetic yet professional tone. It’s the difference between trying to get your way and trying to get results for your client. One turns people off; the other gets them to listen.

You might say something like,

“I’m asking you to do things differently from what you’ve done in the past. Let’s just try this for two weeks, and if it doesn’t work we can talk about how to change it.”

Remind your client that you want the best for her. Speak from a place of care and appreciation, and your client will respect that.

4. Mention the Money

No one wants to be ripped off. When you point out that your client is wasting money by ignoring your advice, you’ll get her attention.

Acknowledge that while your advice may contradict what she’s tried in the past, those strategies haven’t worked. That’s why she hired you.

Say something like,

“You’re paying me for a service. You deserve results, and this is how you’re going to get them.”

Most clients will appreciate the honesty. You’re basically telling them you’re not interested in just taking their money. You want to help them see results.

5. Don’t Be Afraid to Lose a Client

Maybe you fear you’ll upset your client and she’ll leave you. That rarely happens, in my experience. But even if it does, trust me, it’s for the best.

I once had a client who refused to follow her program and complained on social media that she wasn’t seeing results. I told her, “I don’t think you’re ready to make this change. I’m going to discontinue your contract. And when you’re ready, you can come back.”

I invest a lot of time and mental energy in my clients. When one of them isn’t cooperating, that’s wasted effort I could be spending on someone else.

Sure, you may take a hit of a couple hundred bucks. But don’t think of it as losing a client. Think of it as making space for a great new client, someone who’s worth the investment you make in her success.

READ ALSO: “Five Lessons from 10 Years of Personal Training”

6. Go Ahead and Brag

When Sara finally started following my advice and seeing results, you better believe I didn’t let that slide by unnoticed.

I like to keep it playful by saying something like, “I don’t want to say I told you so, but I told you so.” Generally, people react with a laugh and “I know, I know.”

But it’s important to acknowledge accomplishments, and that’s something else women aren’t always great at doing for fear of appearing boastful.

Women are socialized to stay small, to not take up space. But if you look at the women who are dominating the market, they’re the ones who are taking up the space. They’re saying, “Move over! Let me in!” They’re standing up for themselves and not afraid to make waves.

So I say, don’t shy away from your accomplishments. Highlight them!

7. Help a Sister Out

To all the male trainers out there, if you see a female colleague being disrespected, here’s your script: Walk up and say, “Hey, she really knows her stuff. You should listen to her.”

This is why testimonials work. When real people speak up and show they trust you, it establishes credibility. It’s an easy way for you to help out a colleague, and a subtle move toward greater gender equality in fitness. That’s good for everyone.

Want to Ignite Your Personal Training Career?

Ready to take control of your career? Looking to improve your business mindset, client engagement style, and self-promotion techniques? You’ll find all that and more in Ignite the Fire by Jonathan Goodman, a book that gives you a clear road map to building your career from the bottom up, helping you grow your clientele, your status, and your income.

In this book, you’ll learn how to:

Build your confidence to tackle the job head-on and come out on top (p. 16)

Find, market to, and sell your ideal client while seamlessly dealing with objections (p. 64)

Create amazing workouts for beginners (p. 124)

Deal with the 10 most common difficult client types (p. 160)

Develop multiple income streams without compromising your reputation (p. 202)

–> Don’t delay. Buy your copy of Ignite today!

The post Why Personal Training Is So Much Harder for Female Fitness Pros appeared first on The PTDC.

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fitono · 6 years

Text

Why Personal Training Is So Much Harder for Female Fitness Pros

Years ago, I had this client. Let’s call her Sara.

As I do with all my clients, and you do with yours, I used my time and energy to develop a plan to help her get results.

Over the following weeks, she ignored much of my advice as her husband continued to pick it apart. And guess who she blamed when she didn’t get results. No, not him.

I finally spoke up. “If we’re going to keep training together,” I told her, “you absolutely cannot listen to your husband.”

I explained that ethically, I couldn’t keep taking her money if she was going to disregard my advice. What’s more, her lack of results reflected poorly on me.

I still remember her bewildered look. But after a few moments of paralyzed silence, she agreed. She started following my advice and lost 10 pounds in four weeks.

I wish I could say this was a one-off, but it wasn’t. Over the years — especially early in my career — I’ve dealt with skepticism from both male and female clients.

Fact is, while women have made great strides in the fitness industry, in many ways it’s still a man’s world. And many women trainers feel we must work twice as hard to be taken half as seriously.

1. Believe in Yourself

Thankfully I haven’t had to deal with this in a long time. Yes, I’m more experienced now. But I’m more confident too. As a result, my clients are more confident in me.

If you sound like you’re doubting yourself, your clients won’t believe you.

Try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones (“I am the expert”), or just blow right past them. Swallow those “ums” and “uhs” and “maybes.” Speak boldly.

READ ALSO: “Five Ways to Deal with a Client Who Challenges You”

2. Act Fast

Looking back, I wish I had spoken up to Sara sooner. Instead, I let the problem slide for weeks, and when she failed to see results she blamed me.

She wasn’t wrong. As a trainer, I take 100 percent responsibility for my clients — if they don’t see results, it’s my fault, not theirs.

If you go to the dentist to have a cavity filled and a week later your tooth is in pain, are you to blame? Heck no! The dentist screwed up. That error is on them.

Back then, I didn’t understand this as clearly as I do now. I ignored red flags for too long and wasted both our time.

READ ALSO: “Your Client Stopped Getting Good Results. Now What?”

3. Speak from a Place of Care

Luckily, I have a solution: Pretend your client is your grandmother. This is how I talk to all my clients. It helps me stay calm, patient, and polite.

You might say something like,

“I’m asking you to do things differently from what you’ve done in the past. Let’s just try this for two weeks, and if it doesn’t work we can talk about how to change it.”

Remind your client that you want the best for her. Speak from a place of care and appreciation, and your client will respect that.

4. Mention the Money

No one wants to be ripped off. When you point out that your client is wasting money by ignoring your advice, you’ll get her attention.

Acknowledge that while your advice may contradict what she’s tried in the past, those strategies haven’t worked. That’s why she hired you.

Say something like,

“You’re paying me for a service. You deserve results, and this is how you’re going to get them.”

Most clients will appreciate the honesty. You’re basically telling them you’re not interested in just taking their money. You want to help them see results.

5. Don’t Be Afraid to Lose a Client

Maybe you fear you’ll upset your client and she’ll leave you. That rarely happens, in my experience. But even if it does, trust me, it’s for the best.

I invest a lot of time and mental energy in my clients. When one of them isn’t cooperating, that’s wasted effort I could be spending on someone else.

READ ALSO: “Five Lessons from 10 Years of Personal Training”

6. Go Ahead and Brag

When Sara finally started following my advice and seeing results, you better believe I didn’t let that slide by unnoticed.

I like to keep it playful by saying something like, “I don’t want to say I told you so, but I told you so.” Generally, people react with a laugh and “I know, I know.”

But it’s important to acknowledge accomplishments, and that’s something else women aren’t always great at doing for fear of appearing boastful.

So I say, don’t shy away from your accomplishments. Highlight them!

7. Help a Sister Out

To all the male trainers out there, if you see a female colleague being disrespected, here’s your script: Walk up and say, “Hey, she really knows her stuff. You should listen to her.”

Want to Ignite Your Personal Training Career?

In this book, you’ll learn how to:

Build your confidence to tackle the job head-on and come out on top (p. 16)

Find, market to, and sell your ideal client while seamlessly dealing with objections (p. 64)

Create amazing workouts for beginners (p. 124)

Deal with the 10 most common difficult client types (p. 160)

Develop multiple income streams without compromising your reputation (p. 202)

–> Don’t delay. Buy your copy of Ignite today!

The post Why Personal Training Is So Much Harder for Female Fitness Pros appeared first on The PTDC.

Why Personal Training Is So Much Harder for Female Fitness Pros published first on https://medium.com/@MyDietArea

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