#was it really that wrong to want that kind of thing? Even if its me? |

[dduane]

...So once again it's the time of year when I return to this piece of digital art (or its earlier versions), tweak it a little in the attempt to get closer to what I see in my head, and repost it for Pride. (ETA, 3 June 2024: image tweaked a little bit more via late-night re-render because the upholstery wasn't rendering correctly, and as a result the kitty sort of vanished. Which would not be at all her style...)

At the moment I'm looking at These Two Idiots (for so they are) and considering with the usual bemusement how long I've been working with them. Of all the characters I've worked with in print, the only ones I've known longer would be the crew of NCC-1701—and very shortly now, for the first time as paid writing, a couple of gentlemen named Holmes and Watson.

I first "met" these guys in late 1970 in the form of the fellow college students on whom they'd be based: a couple of gents (not gay, as it happens) who were friends to me when I needed some. They were a tall dark guy and a short blond one with a mustache that came and went... so that, not even knowing the word "trope" at the time, I fell headfirst into one.

Less than a year after I met them, I changed educational tracks and schools, and we all drifted apart. But something about them stuck. The nature and depth of their friendship was unusual. So was one way it manifested itself: in ruthless snark that had no meanness or cruelty about it whatsoever—just affection.

In the late sixties I'd begun writing some very derivative fic strongly influenced by Tolkien. Rather to my surprise, though, as I started nursing school in 1971, the nature of that fiction started to change, and began rearranging itself around two characters who had a friendship like those of my college friends. With them as its core, a rather different kind of medieval-ish fantasy world started knitting itself together from various scraps of themes and imagery lying around in the back of my brain.

Even so early in the construction phases of this world, something the characters quickly made plain to me in the writing was that their relationships with one another were not what mainstream 1970s culture would consider conventional. They were gay... but that was a background issue,* and not at all the most important thing in their lives. They had far more important business to deal with—as became clear as their personalities and priorities started filling themselves out in the foreground.

One of them turned out to be the deliberate, analytical, methodical son of a provincial nobleman, all too aware of the expectations of those around him: that he might well eventually wind up running that province himself. Yet at the same time he also became aware that he had other problems, chief among them the discovery of a nascent power that would kill him young if he couldn't master it. And in the last thousand years, no one of his gender ever had.

The other presented himself more and more clearly as a difficult case: someone who wanted very much to be good at the family business, but wasn't... and knew it. Kind of a screw-up, repeatedly doing the wrong things for what he was sure were the right reasons. Yet, no matter how often he screwed up, he was also the kind of person who keeps picking himself up and trying again, because he's been told over and over that that's what people like him have to do: otherwise they're no use to anybody.

Imagine my shock when I realized that these two men—initially canonically enemies in their adolescence, then best friends as they grew, and eventually much more—were the (incomplete) answer to the question I'd once asked my Mom at the end of the bedtime reading of some fairy tale or other: "Why can't a prince rescue another prince?" Because one of them got himself more than once into situations where he really needed one kind or another of rescuing. The other one obliged him, while once or twice getting rescued himself. Those interlocking patterns started to solidify out of concept and into character detail and plot, while their world grew and proliferated into its own detail around them.

Then, without warning, in 1978 both world and characters decided they were ready to get real. I was abruptly dragged gasping and flailing under the surface of a novel that would begin the tale of what those two characters had yet to become. The period it took to produce that first draft was possibly the most interesting six weeks of my life... and that includes the six weeks during which I first scrubbed in on brain surgery. Day and night, for days at a time, I barely even existed except as something for a novel to come out of. When it was done with me, it just as abruptly dumped me back into my life and wandered away, leaving me staring around, blinking and wondering if anybody’d got the number of that truck. Nothing like it has ever happened to me since, which may be just as well. I’m none too sure that these days I could handle the strain.

The book—which sold a couple of weeks after it landed on its first publisher's desk—kicked off my career as novelist and screenwriter, and in its way proved that the world was at least somewhat ready for epic fantasy in which the basic culture was pansexual, polyamorous, and inclusive in ways that hadn't been attempted before.

So I owe them a debt, those two gentlemen up there: the tall dark curly-haired guy with the amateur strategist's mind, the blacksmith's shoulders, and the peculiar sword, his background thought always nibbling away at the question of how to heal the world's wounds: and the short fair gent who if he could would stay at home, live quietly in town, and work in the local library... except for when saving the world (or his found family) requires him to subsume his being into that of his ancestral demigod. Due to the success of the book in which they made their debut, these two became, in their way, the fairy† godfathers of the Young Wizards—and additionally enabled all that Star Trek fanfic I'd started writing a decade before to proceed to its logical conclusion.

More to the point, though, a lot of people in the 1980s and '90s who'd never seen queer representation in a fantasy novel, found it first, or at last, while following Herewiss and Freelorn down their road. It's been my pleasure to hold that space for new readers, and keep adding to it... because (if you ask me) it's needed more now than ever.

So, to the readership of the Middle Kingdoms works—now pushing half a century old—and everybody else who's celebrating the season: happy Pride!

*Not least because everybody else in their world is (at least potentially) some shade of queer, including God.

†(snicker)

#Pride #Pride 2024 #Middle Kingdoms meta #Herewiss #Freelorn #LGBTQ #LGBTQ fantasy

[fictionfixations]

tamashina-mina event (aka the sunset savanna jp event)

so anyway because i cant read jp (the translated vid is in parts so thats why im posting multiple links)

leona brushes it off but

so LISTEN. The chamberlain whatever his name is isn't happy with Leona for not putting his intelligence to help the country

but when he DOES provide an idea (aka actually mining the mineral resources) its shrugged off because they're all for being with nature

so what im understanding is leona is proposing to actually make use of what the land has to, yes, make a profit, but also it could help with all loads of things? like spreading water to be a little more easily obtainable once having the funds to idk throw away money for the good of the people (i mean. they're already rich aren't they? i don't really get it but also the world runs on money. i dont know if there are any benefits to it just sitting there, or if there are cons to digging them out or not but leona seems very passionate about it.)

but so its like this then

where if its not modernized then people will just. not live modernized. and i get that ig, wanting to live with nature (well not really but i mean its all down to preference isnt it? which im not an outdoor person so uh)

maybe it'll make more sense in the EN version (whenever it comes). or maybe i need someone to dumb it down to me like im 5.

but anyway you see my point right?? Leona provides an idea (is very invested in it) that goes to the good of the kingdom (making more profit but its also like they dont have to mine ALL of it he at least just wants them to make use of it at least instead of not even touching it)

and then it gets shot down because. basically. tradition. ???

anyway heres my idea: if someone like Ruggie Bucchi can exist (i mean as in someone born in a poor environment) in the Sunset Savanna, then clearly there can still be something done to keep people healthy and in comfortable situations without compromising idk the beauty of also being able to live with nature at the same time? to help make it a bit more convenient in the process at least? (like there could be a system that brings them water, but it could still be in a well so they can still do that process by hand, there will just be more water so they dont have to worry about idk running out? i dont know how wells work but i imagine they can run out eventually)

and if anyones like 'oh but we wont make a profit' then propose ANOTHER way we can make big income. aka MINING the MINERAL resources so it could be like nothing even changed or that we might be even making more than we usually are (but also probably supervised so they cant take advantage and just i mean get rid of the entirety of it? cause. its.. important right? so some but not all.)

maybe i just dont understand this, maybe im biased towards leona who knows, but i kind of also feel like its dumb to just brush it off. and i mean who knows maybe hes proposed it many times before, maybe hes shown them so many ideas and proofs and proposals related but they mightve been flawed in some way i dont know and thats why they refuse. who knows. it just rubs me the wrong way

its also kind of related to people brushing off leona just as being lazy and stuff like that (also did you know he only failed ONE year? he joined NRC a year late) but leona isnt really doing anything to try to change peoples perceptions of him because 'thats what they think of me, why should i bother?' like people hating on him for being [something something] compared to falena so then just. takes that in and is like 'okay so people think of me this way. if thats how they view me, then whatever.' hes still very competitive and all that stuff but theres also apathy in 'people will think whatever they want of me, why should i even try to change it?' (and hes probably heard all kinds of things at a young age that really stuck with him and shaped who he was. which goes from being really hurt by it to not even caring about peoples opinions anymore. dont get me wrong it can still affect him because the part of him that got hurt by it the first time is still there but yknow)

but so then the chamberlain is like 'why dont you use your smarts for the country'

and leonas just like

THEN SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE HIM NOT SAY SUCH THINGS??? (you knew him as a kid surely you could do something) like. theres. just. such an utter lack of trying to convince him otherwise. and i guess to him it would sound so fake so he might not be convinced at all. but then if you stop trying at all then he'll think that he was right in what he thought people thought of him and wont try to correct anyone. or in fact will correct anyone if they think positively of him.

i mean theres also not wanting to say it in front of other people. but. listen. if youre afraid of what the people think then it will affect the other negatively.

like for example if you try not to do lovey-dovey stuff in public then your lover will naturally feel like youre just trying to hide them away. or that you might feel ashamed.

so if the chamberlain tries to convince him when they're in private but in public he doesnt. then you can see what kind of conclusion leona would come to, right?

its kind of a tough situation because i honestly dont know what youd do in that situation. its just. i feel like they could communicate better. that there could be things to be done and it just frustrates me.

yes he does go on to say that leona is strong

and that he believes in him basically but

it just. doesnt feel like enough. and it could definitely be on leona for also not being willing to listen so hh. and i also get the chamberlain has a lot of responsibility so he cant just be there all the time and everything hfeuishfdi

#tamashina mina #leona kingscholar #twst #twisted wonderland #twst wonderland #thoughts #Youtube

[physalian]

So you’ve got an idea for a story….

Once again and as always, writing is highly subjective and any writing advice that says you *must* do X or all books *must* include Y or doing Z during your writing process is *wrong* kind of misses the point of the freedom of storytelling and I’m not a fan. This is how I approach writing and one way you could consider doing the same if you’ve got all these ideas and nowhere to put them, not the way you must approach writing.

Cool? Cool.

—

We’ll start with how I write fanfic because that’s a far less intimidating market. I don’t write drabble fics and coffee shop AUs. I grew up writing fix-it fics and in-universe canon divergences. Essentially: Stop the real story right here, now what if this happened instead?

Personally, I just don’t get fulfillment from writing fanfic fluff (though I do love reading it). Even if I’m committing time and effort into something that will never make me money and that people might not even read for fun due to dead fandoms or whatever, I’m still going to use it as writing exercise and give it some substance.

That’s just me, though. I used to write stuff like character studies and deep dives, and the last fic I wrote to date was a “hey what if this villain went to the good side way sooner and it wasn’t just played as a joke on his cowardice?” and its sequel.

So I started that first fic with an idea: What if K joined the good guys earlier? How would that impact the story?

Immediately after that, I was thinking about the ending and what tentpole ideas in the canon I wanted to keep, but the meat of the story I knew I wanted to focus on K’s emotional and existential struggle of switching sides, risking becoming an enemy to both factions, after the inciting incident of his (absolutely canonical) partner’s murder, that, in canon, did not get the justice he deserved. When I wrote my post about beginnings and endings, I said that endings for me are way easier than beginnings—this is why. Before I even start writing, my ending is decided.

Basically: Yes, I’m writing a story using someone else’s fictional characters, as one does when writing fanfic. The story uses cartoon characters, but it’s about one person’s struggle with their identity in the wake of tragedy, and how they take life by the horns to make it out of the story the hero they deserve to be recognized as.

And with that core idea in mind, then I write the story around it. The story, which, outside the canon that I had to keep, I had no plan for. The settings and minutiae of the set pieces weren’t as important as what each scene did for the themes and K’s emotional reaction to them happening. I needed to give him enough alone time with the characters of the hero team to learn something from them, enough time on his own to test his new loyalties, and enough time with his old team so he can juxtapose the two and make sure he’s doing the right thing by deserting.

The last thing on my mind was what tropes I wanted to fulfill. Romantic subplots and the like just kind of happened organically and weren’t planned.

—

For Eternal Night of the Northern Sky the idea I had was this: Most vampire stories are about the drama surrounding vampires that depend on humans to survive. So what if I wrote a story where humans depended on vampires to survive, in the exact same way?

Yes, the story is about vampires and everyone can say what they will about people who write vampire fiction. But it’s really about what it means to be a monster when survival demands some brutal decisions. What does it mean to be a monster if everyone is a monster?

ENNS wasn’t planned, I just started writing and had the first draft done in 31 days and through the entire editing process, the plot didn’t change from draft 1 to draft final, save for a few scenes where I had to fix the surface level problem some characters were facing, but not the reason why they were facing it.

The plot never needed massive rewrites because every scene reflected back on the core themes of the story, and every single scene was necessary to tell it. So even when I had to change the intensity of an argument or flesh out a conversation or change the tone of something here or there, the purpose of whatever was underneath remained.

With that throughline in mind, the rest of the book fell into place around it. My core characters each have a role to answer that thematic question, and side characters around then were created to fill in the world, provide friends, relatives, romances, and the like, each with their own perspectives still on that one big question. My villains, too, all exist to answer that question. Outside of the romances, every single scene is doing at least one thing either for the plot, the protagonist, or the deuteragonist to answer that question. ENNS’ secondary themes were also written into as many scenes as I could (of which I won’t spoil here).

When you write with a theme like this in mind, it gives you these sort of bowling bumper rails to help keep you from straying off into superfluous storylines that bog down the pacing and start to feel messy.

Yes, you’re writing fanfic. But what is it really about? Now maybe it is just a coffee shop AU or 50k words of smut—you do you. Not everything has to be deep and meaningful beyond being entertaining. Themes just provide direction.

For example, I like the idea of slowburn fanfics. The idea. I will happily sit down for a fic that’s half a million words long if the characters and the slowburn are compelling enough. There might not be themes, but the story never forgets its throughline—these two characters eventually coming together.

In practice, though, I see way too many “slowburn” fics out there that are just 90% fluff. The chapters stagnate, trading development for taunting the audience with the will they/won’t they. The plot toddles off to to play around in irrelevant scenes with irrelevant characters. Things that probably wouldn’t bother me if I wasn’t already expecting the romance that was promised, the romance I have to keep waiting for when I could just go read something else that delivers it faster and clearer.

—

Even if your writing process begins with a few scattered sticky notes and a notion of what you kind of want it to be about, you don’t have to hammer out pages of prose to be productive.

If you get stuck halfway through, having your throughline helps you sit back and ask yourself this very important question: What does Character want, how do they get it, and what’s in their way?

#writing advice #writing resources #writing a book #writing tips #writing tools #starting a book #writing #writeblr #character development #writing themes #ENNS

[the-kingshound]

Warning inane ramble incoming, it’ll probably be annoying I apologize. (*_ _)人 I spent the last several days reading every post here. I managed to convince myself to start liking some (sorry about that I’m sure it was annoying to get all those notifications) I have this weird thing where I get nervous about liking older posts cuz I mean it’s been a long time and it’s unprompted so that’s weird right? It feels weird like I’m doing something wrong or I’m being annoying, I considered reblogging too but somehow that felt worse? Sorry I am not good with social rules they confuse me both on and offline Idk my brain is wrong and I’m just a nervous socially anxious snail. (＞﹏＜)

Anyways just wanted to gush about how much I love it here and I’m never leaving (´꒳`) ♡ First and foremost Yniol has a special place in my heart they will forever be my favorite bestie (*＾ω＾)人(＾ω＾*), yes I am biased as my partner is grey and though they don’t play IFs they were thrilled to learn about your character! Also your writing is just phenomenal, your fans are fun and creative, your characters give such warm and positive energy I love them so much they’re perfect, the inclusivity is such chefs kiss ( ´ з `) 🤌🏻✨, the angst is delicious, the fluff is so sweet and comforting, the spice is ... very blush-worthy (⁄ ⁄>⁄ ▽ ⁄<⁄ ⁄). This has been a journey I laughed, I cried, I giggled, and I blushed and I have enjoyed every bit of it from pasta discourse to Moldien cult wars to Arthur bunnies, I’ve had the most wonderful time. Now my mind is gonna be filled with Arthurian stuff for months my maladaptive daydreaming is having the time of its life I have a road trip next week and I’m so looking forward to just staring out a window for 6+hours while my Hound's just alternating daydream adventures with the cast o(≧▽≦)o. Also speaking of your amazingly wonderful, sweet, and supportive cast I have decided my (though I love them all) favorite poly pairings are Arthur/Morien and whole crew polycule I’d sell my soul for those but I 100% understand why you can’t really do that. I don’t think I have the endurance in me to code a single poly no matter how much I wish it so the fact you’re doing any let alone several is just god tier you are awe inspiring.

Alas I have rambled far far to much I wish I could be more eloquent in expressing just how much I enjoyed experiencing all of this but for now this is the best I can do (╥ω╥). Thank you for sharing your wonderful work it’s truly a gift to experience. ଘ(੭ˊ꒳​ˋ)੭✧ I wish you wealth, health, and all the best in all your creative endeavors. -🐌

No, please please do not apologize. You made my entire week <3 This ask is straight up going into the folder where i keep my motivation to write and to be just a little proud of my work, thank you so so much for sending it.

For anyone having the same thoughts about liking or reblogging old posts: please do it. When I see the notifications, get very giddy and pleased, and I hope you are enjoying the food. Liking, and especially reblogging things, even more so if you add tags and reactons, not only fills me with glee but it also reminds me of old asks that I want to reblog again for new followers. So yeah, I love it, please feel free to go on a liking/reblogging spree!

You are so relatable for the maladaptive daydreaming (this game was absolutely born out of my own mental movies), I wish I could speed up the writing and editing for the next update so you can read it while you travel but I'm afraid it's a lost cause (I have been working on things, even now, but I am currently rewriting like half of it and while it is way better it takes sooo much time and energy). Knowing my characters and story are in someone's thoughts it the best kind of reward I need. I will never likely monetise this game, so this is the thing I wish to leave people with, and I hope the characters can be comforting and keep you company <3

You have no idea how much I would love to write the full polycule... maybe one day :,) But don't lose hope for the Arthur/Morien poly yet, as I decided to cancel the Gwyar/Morien poly and now I have a potentially free slot. In any case, awww, please know that this ask made me so happy today and will be in my thoughts as tkh is in yours.

Please have a lovely day and a lovely week and also a very lovely trip! Thank you again so so much!!

#lovely adorable anons #also never apologize for sening asks in anon i understand #i do the same #(anxiety) #love you!! #anon love

[bueris]

okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead

#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere #i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art #but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely #certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like #university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government #i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour #party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead #also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be #idk #it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking #also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most #part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it? #ik therapists have therapists but still #i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going #the way i wanna #I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life #if not then gap year to work it out #should probably look at unis for english language too then #sigh #ucas website i may as well marry you #ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol) #yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up #yeah #shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical #they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices #crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love. #sex jokes about that #why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine #bue waffling #vent post

[gunsblazingg]

Ugh, this insomnia sucks.

#ramon speaks ! ☆彡 | #I miss that one anon. They haven’t spoken to me in a minute.. #….maybe ray was right. Maybe I am gullible. But #was it really that wrong to want that kind of thing? Even if its me? | #ramon clh #rayman clh #clhabdr #rp blog #captain laserhawk #clh ramon #clh rayman #clh

[brittlebutch]

finally found a place to read With the Light online and i'm thrilled; if you haven't read this manga i do Legitimately recommend it

#N posts stuff #like don't get it wrong it Is Not a series about being autistic it Is a series about raising an autistic kid #but also don't be put off by that because it's legitimately a series that I feel Loves autistic people with its whole being #it's kind of a teaching manga so it showcases a lot of different opinions/characters/conflicts/etc. but the Framing is very consistent #in that the manga is Extremely of the opinion that autistic people are People who deserve to be Valued and Accepted As They Are #the onus for change is never put on autistic individuals the framing is basically Universal in the 'the World needs to change #to be more accepting' -- it's a very Social Model depiction of autism that ALSO never veers too far into the #'autism isn't even Really a disability' fallacy; it's very much a 'A lot of autistic people will need constant support in a variety of ways #throughout their lives but that isn't the roadblock preventing them from having their own lives; ableism in society is the roadblock' #the first two chapters are the hardest to get through bc they take place before Sachiko has any real understanding of autism and #so she's isolated and stressed out and the ignorance makes it difficult for her to care for Hikaru properly (there's also a lot of #other characters Blaming her for what's going on which goes unchallenged at this point though that changes later); but after she #understands what autism is she's Firmly in Hikaru's corner for the rest of the series - you can skip right to ch 3 without a problem #if you're not interested in reading about that initial conflict #there's still a Lot of conflict ofc but by then the chapters have some of my favorite moments so i don't want to advocate skipping #them; like Hikaru's daycare teacher explaining how Hikaru's difficulty speaking is the same as other kids' troubles with #things like jump-roping/etc.; and then a mother who has An Issue with Hikaru's presence in her daughter's class realizing the #depth of the problematic opinion bc Her mother (who had a stroke) faces similar ableism from her peers #i'm cutting this post off b4 the tags get Too long but if you're curious but still hesitant man. send me an ask and i will Happily #write an insanely long essay about how much i love this series; i have all the books i'm not excited about the online availability #for Me i'm excited bc i've been wanting to rec this manga for like almost a full decade and i can finally give you a link instead of #saying 'well. you can find used copies sometimes' lol

[contagious-watermelon]

what is it with the aro community basically reinventing amatornomativity but including (some of) us this time. acting like QPRs are the solution to your problems and obviously theyre more meaningful and important than friendships and what do you mean you don't want a platonic life partner? well if you're "just friends" they're gonna leave you for their romantic relationship eventually — no, no, you can't mean that, "best friend" is either just the same thing as a QPR or not good enough to stay in your life forever. you don't like how you probably won't ever be able to have kids because who's going to let a single trans man adopt a child, and even if they did how would you support them, and no for the last time i don't want to marry anyone even platonically. i do not want a partner ever. ever.

but don't you know that all of us hate amatonormativity? but we're fine with it when we're included. oh and don't you know aros can date too? did you know? did you know you can date too?

you have problems? society isn't structured for you? you have to learn to navigate socially and legally in a world that's built for couples and that's a very distressing experience and you're invisible if you don't loudly proclaim your aromanticism after every room you walk in — but we're gonna keep arguing about shipping. what do you mean you have more problems than people being stupid in fandom? what, is the one aroace character who got "confirmed" off-screen and never mentioned outside of that at all not good enough for you? that doesn't actually change anything for you societally?

but you surely want a QPR. it's totally not just us forcing some watered-down romance on you after you said you didn't want it (but did you know aros can date too? surely you didn't forget that. aros can still love and we hate that you're implying they can't). all of your problems with society hating you for your singleness and aro-ness would be solved if you just got a partner — no, a platonic one, why would you assume otherwise? this is nothing like telling a gay man to just suck it up and marry a woman. see, that would be homophobic, but you? didn't you know that aros can still date?

#aromantic #aro #amatonormativity #sorry this is very much a rant bc tbh i don't really know how to word it in a way that isn't one #idk its just a very isolating experience being aro when its so hard to find other people who are too #(you can't just casually drop a ''my boyfriend'' the way you would if you were gay) #and even the people i do know irl are a lot closer to the alloro side of the aro spectrum than me #or more amenable to platonic partners or qprs or whatever #idk i hope this doesnt come off like I'm hating on the aro people who do want to date or have any kind of partnership #thats not what I'm saying and i hope thatd be clear but you can never be sure #just wish there was more (or‚ yk‚ any at all) political advocacy for aromantic issues #like the societal structures that benefit couples thing i mentioned. let it be possible to have a family as a single parent #that would help me obv but also other people who are just divorced or widowed too #maybe I'm looking in the wrong places to find that sort of thing #but you can find asexual advocacy groups and stuff #working for their political issues #and obv theres tons of groups for gay and trans people #i just havent been able to find anybody doing anything similar for aromantic people

[good-beans]

.

#not really a vent - just a quick thought before i sleep but like. #i keep thinking about that post #theres no way ill find it now but the gist was that 'joy is a warning bell to neurodivergent brains' #and how when we feel joy it means we've loosened up and that always leads to a problem -- #whether its getting to be Too Much or saying the wrong thing or even just getting physically loose and clumsy #but it conditions the brain to see joy as something to fear #because relaxing means we're about to fuck something up #and ive been doing so well this year keeping up with and calling people #ive felt more social lately #literally everyone has been so incredibly kind to me and i want to express how grateful i am and how much i love you all #but every time i try to i get so choked up with fear #with each wave of happiness comes one of chest-squeezing fear #im not super upset or anything (its nice to know why its happening) i just wish i knew how to unlearn it ya know 🤷‍♀️ #thats all - time to sleep #its so late -_- #awww its my pals birthday now!! earth day birthday :') too late rn but ill text him when i get up #rose rambles

[vaugarde]

books that changed my brain chemistry at age 9. tbh.

#the animal povs the magic povs the haunting nature of it the way both povs weave together perfectly in the end #despite feeling so different #i still think about the hummingbird :( #this book isnt really. that related to what im about to say. but i was thinking abt the part where night song and hawk man have their baby #and the prose when hawk man holds his daughter and feeling like his entire worldview was shifting and expanding beyond his comprehension #and it was all centered on his baby and his love for her and augh. i think that passage specifically affected me profoundly #and i dont even want kids. i think its why i like writing parent characters #i should reread this.... #echoed voice #wait i forgot to say the thing i wanted to say. i was gonna say that prose is seeping into how i write flamberge and valerie #bc flamberge is like. a terrible person dont get me wrong theyre not a good person. and valerie wouldnt have totally fixed them #but flamberge's entire world shifts when they have their daughter. like they didnt think they were capable of caring for someone that much #but knowing someone as kind as valerie- someone they put in the world and wouldnt exist without them- changes them #they end up loving like they never felt they could before and its like a big step for them for becoming a better person

[numetalkids]

*inhales*.....................DEEP SIGH

#i'm exhausted #i have a job interview this week which i should be grateful for but i'm still so unsure about what i want in life #and i'm so scared of making wrong choices like i'm terrified #and the company seems kind of conservative in its structures and culture i mean apparently there are low hierarchies but #they make their whole deal about 'family' and then there are almost only men working there which is like ughhh like the ratio is ridiculous #and the thing is i found another job offer at my local library and i would just so love to work there!!!! i will definitely apply this week #i'm just scared that i'll do well enough during the interview that they will actually want ti hire me and then i can't say no #bc i didn't even expect them to reach out to me in the first place so i guess my application was better than i thought #so now im'm debating whether i should take the chance or sabotage the interview so that i get to try really hard for #the application for the library job instead #i sound ridiculous being upset that an employer is showing interest in me like what a privilege to be able to turn that down #at the same time. like thankfully there is financial support from the government so i'm safe in that regard atm but it's really not much #and i also don't want to be in this state of unemployment for too long #and yet...i want to just spend my days doing something worthwhile? maybe i should just be grateful that i have the privilege to choose betw #different jobs and try to take advantage of that fact and opt for the offers that speak to me rather than cry about it #god i'm so stressed this is my first time in life where i can't rest assured that the upcoming years will follow the same routine #like how it was when i entered uni like i just knew 'alright i'll be studying for at least 5 years and then we'll see' and now #it's like i don't know what i'll be doing next month or in half a year or next year or in five years #the uncertainty. killing me. that's how i know i grew up way too protected cause i break under the slightest inconvenience god #alright crying rant over from now on i'll be growing up for real 👍 #personal

[vriska-serketboard]

ayo can somebody give me tips about how to either tone down or get rid of my anger at my syntax professor bc i am angry at her to a point where it is physically painful

#like i'm glad she's at least giving some kind of feedback now #but some of the things she marked wrong in that assignment were literally correct #it's not even as much about how i have a b+ average in the class now its more that she's just a shit teacher in general #she mumbles she doesn't explain things clearly she repeats things we've already gone over she reads directly off the slides #she's not enthusiastic about the subject or teaching and while i can't blame her too much for that having some one mumble syntax facts @ u #in a monotone very bored-sounding voice is really not conductive to learning in the least #and the other ling majors feel the same she has like a 3.4 on rate my professor and i talked to some others about her #i know my anger is justified to an extent but i can't do anything about it #i want to break something but i'm in a dorm room #ofc i don't want to break my stuff or my roommate's stuff and if i broke the room i'd have to pay a fine #i need to hit something i need to do something outwardly destructive otherwise it's going to end badly for me #i need to break/do something that doesn't harm myself or anyone else

[mewtwo24]

You know reading vol 5 of mdzs before all the rest (don't ask me why I'm a clown and there were Circumstances) has to be the craziest experience of my life. Because it took all of ten minutes of wwx talking to literally hit me so hard in the gut I had to sit down and listen to really loud music for a while to calm down.

Who needs therapy when mxtx is alive and writing, I guess????? 🤡

Can't wait to get to the actual tragic parts I just know I'm gonna be that "help" frog phone meme

#mdzs #i was really out here thinking svsss would be my fave bc of lbh #and then i finally get around to reading mdzs and it blows my expectations out of the fucking water holy actual shit #and i just had this feeling the first time i read parts of it like 'oh. this series is going to kill me. im not coming back from this.' #and here i am booboo the fool getting my clown ass make-up on #idk how to explain it like i just fucking LOVE mxtx's takes on arrogance #that wwx is constantly being perceived as a show off and an incorrigible flirt and a know it all #how wwx cant always help the ways he acts out the desperation that has embedded itself into his very bones #how wwx only ever wanted to do the right thing and that having been so much of his downfall #how his worth and talent would always be eclipsed by virtue of his circumstances #how he's above needing recognition at his core but at the same time longs for an ounce of good will and positive recognition -> #how human he is despite his brilliance. how he never gets it no matter how hard he tries to be worthy. #like to me wwx is emblematic of what it means to be poor/an immigrant in high places #always villified always alien always wrong always unwelcome #no matter how clever or capable or kind youll always be an eyesore because you don't 'act right'. not 'one of them.' you never will be. #i just...the way he just wanted it all to be over by the end. the way he didnt even want to come back to life. that he was sick of it all. #im rattling the bars of my cage i love him I LOVE HIM i love him #i understand you lan wangji (and i love lwj too) #and even lan wangji too like. the way so many of their issues in the beginning stems from that self-same problem #how lwj couldn't live with his out of control feelings how he too couldn't quite lay down his pride #how lwj was also trapped by the expectations of his clan in his own way how so much of their separation was a form of penance #that the calamity of wwx's loss forced him to reconsider everything he thought he knew about himself and his life #how he was left with nothing but regret. how when wwx returns--lwj refuses to leave anything to chance this time #he refuses to let wwx be alone anymore--refuses to let him hurt himself for the sake of others refuses to just let it all happen #even if it means overstepping a boundary or propriety it doesn't matter--as long as wwx stays with him. pride be damned #god i just can't i just can't do it im biting im ripping things apart GOD #will also say the jokes about lwj being like. 'strict moral compass or BUST.' and then wwx literally committing like 17 felonies in the bg #while lwj is like 'crimes? what crimes. nothing to see here.' NEVER stops being funny. like i was pissing myself laughing #i know its a known trope but by god are they hilarious about it #also. lan qiren how many times do your nephews have to go catatonic for you to stop with the catholic guilt and repression

[rubberbandballqueen]

since i just rb'd a poll abt high school grades now's probably a good time to drop one of my many million-dollar ideas for how to run a high school classroom, which is that i think that at the start of a quarter/semester kids should be asked if they want hw to count towards their grades or not bc i was So Fucking Bad at submitting hw in high school, but my test scores were really good, so i'd rather have not had hw count towards my grades. but obviously there are a good number of kids who are either bad at taking tests or anxious abt their grades dropping and are diligent abt turning in hw, so letting hw count towards their grades would give them some padding in that situation.

#i really Do need to just maintain a doc of all my ideas for how to run a classroom #bc i've been storing some of these in my brain since i was like 12. that's a fucking decade by this point What the hell #the worm speaks #unfortunately it's probably unfeasible to Not have tests n the like count towards a grade at all #like personally as a student i do not hate testing!! as someone who enjoys gathering data / information i'm kind of obsessed w/it!!! #but i also have very strong opinions on TEST DESIGN as well as curriculum design n stuff #like tests CAN be a useful tool for measuring knowledge! if you design it right. and even then it's like. not perfect #one of my other million dollar ideas is that rather than giving out a final i'd give kids the choice to either do like #a freeform project to demonstrate their knowledge in literally Any Way They Want (foster creativity n stuff) #or! they could also just take a paper exam if they want. idk if anyone would take that option but idk. #mostly i'm just fond of the idea of giving high school students a sense of autonomy over their grades n education #like another reason why i think the 'do you want hw to count to your grades?' question should be re-asked at the start of quarters or w/e #is bc sometimes we also make mistakes! and evaluate consequences wrong. or situations change!! so they should be allowed to change things #how much would hw count for if they made it worth anything is honestly not smth i'm sure abt rn tbh #but i also know that i like. would also not even grade their hw on correctness just on completion anyway #a number of my high school teachers did that; bc the point was that we were responsible for ensuring its correctness #they all knew that kids would copy off each other and if that's how you learn. go for it!! my ap calc teacher openly acknowledged this!!! #anyway good lord i really do have limitless rants n tedtalks abt education in me lmao i need to sleebies now #so i can study for my calc quiz tmrw morning ( •̀ ω •́ )y

[wlw-cryptid]

related to the posts on your butch gently assisting with your personal grooming at the end of the day................there's a criminal minds episode (yes i know etc.) about a skilled seamstress and carer whose abuse and trauma somehow lead her to abduct and drug beautiful women so she can carefully dress them up and have tea parties. i have watched it a totally normal number of times hahaha

My mom was Obsessed w criminal minds for like a few years so im pretty sure ive seen every episode in my peripheral vision twice over. i know the exact one youre talking about . Drugging and abduction are very much not. what i was shooting for. i was kind of very focused on a realistic romantic fantasy full stop. your mind is great and i promise youre fine but intox kink, especially forced intox kink, dollification, and just. generally "forced to be [disabled, basically]" vibes are things i want nothing to do with so i dont really. know how to respond to this other than saying that.

in any case keep it up soldier i wish you fun sexy fantasies 👍

#i dont mean to be a buzz kill :\ i really am sorry for that #sometimes. you need to recontextualize the 'being taken care of' fantasy into something you imagine being forced into. and that is somethin #i can understand completely though #she speaks #anon #asks #i dont drink and i dont smoke. and im still pretty uneasy around people who are under the influence though im getting better about it #mostly via meeting butches who are lovey dovey silly goofy drunks instead of. the kind of drunks im used to. being trapped in a house with #and the idea of even harder drugs being anywhere near me or being. put in my body. makes my heart rate spike? #and im already disabled enough as is. i want to respected and taken care of and adored. not. taken advantage of for being too weak to #do anything but take it. you understand? its. a really big thing for me. #again. youre fine. its not your fault. you have a wonderful ask and a lovely concept you just sent it to the Wrong person. i cannot indulge #in this one with you

[yo9urt]

ball dur's gait 3 is ruining my life

#mine #I THINK I LOCKED MYSELF OUT OF AST4RI0N ROMANCE BY ACCIDENT #AND THE WORST PART IS I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW!!!!!!! #LIKE. WHAT SCENE DID I FUCK UP IN. WHICH DIALOGUE DID I MISS. WHERE DID I GO WRONG #i just got to act 3 and i had the option to ask him why him and my char haven't [ahem] in a while and i decided to click on it #and he finished the conversation by being like 'yeah theres never going to be anything between us' #i insta-reloaded to my save right before the convo because i refuse to accept that as being canon #even though i know the structure of this game well enough to know the fact that i have the option to have that convo #is like a 99% guarantee that i cant romance him #but fuck me man i wanna be a little delusional and keep believing #but if it's really over...............then 1. i'm very upset especially because this is my self insert #(although that is oddly fitting in its own way) #2. i still care him so much and in my heart i want to believe maybe after the events of the game something happens between them #3. im going to kill myself #and 4. on the upside i guess this does offer some interesting story/rp aspects i could play with in my silly mind #but fuuuuuuck me man i was counting on being able to do it i really thought i could get this to work................... #fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck man #so many things have gone wrong in this run it's almost kinda funny #i guess this also adds another playthrough to my planned list cause even though i watched the supercut and i know his romance already #i still kind of want to experience it for myself...even if it's not with my insert :( #but then again my tavs and durges will always be a little bit of an insert cause i'm going to project on them and they'll always #have something in common with me #i can try again in the future... #my 2nd run is going to be durgestarion with durge resisting the urges which i think will be really fun #but i guess im gonna need to use a guide LMAO #fuuuuuuuuuuck dude even though i reloaded to make the convo uncanon i feel like me and my little tav guy are sharing a deeply painful momen #ok this is too many tags WHATEVER i have a call in 30 minutes and then i'm playing the game for the rest of the day #even if he doesn't want me i will still care him...... #oh i guess that's the other upside is i can see nonromantic dialogue i might not have seen otherwise #i'll probably see friend dialogue in future playthroughs when i romance other characters but who knows