#when we put some people on a pedestal as perfect we lie to ourselves and hurt ourselves and everyone else

[mejomonster]

i’m not good with words so i probably won’t describe it right. but the black/white mentality online sometimes of things with any flaws being ‘pure evil/need to be destroyed’ and expecting the alternative to be whatever arbitrary things the person decided are ‘perfectly healthy’... does not do anyone good.

i mean yes, we could go into it being an extension of purity culture, of conservatism mindset etc but like. at an even more basic level, especially because online spaces have a lot of younger people:

its really bad to view YOURSELF that way. and when you’re viewing even things way outside you that way, you might be viewing yourself that way. that relationship in X novel is bad because person 1 didn’t communicate right away, and even if they learn and improve through the novel you’ve already decided they’re “too flawed”, or maybe the person 1 never fully improves since its a novel and ‘awful’ to ‘moderately decent at relationships’ is the arc instead of moderately decent to ‘perfect.’ 

But my point is, about yourself: no one is perfect. You will NEVER be perfect. Please don’t hold yourself to the expectation you MUST BE PERFECT and anything less makes you pure evil/irredeemable/awful and unworthy of being treated fairly. The best anyone can do in this life, is try their best, notice when they do happen to mess up or someone lets them know they have, and practice trying to do better next time. You can improve yourself for a lifetime, for decades go to therapy and do all the right exercises and work on yourself every time you slip up even a little AND give yourself breaks so you don’t work yourself to death being overly critical of yourself nonstop... and still by your death you won’t be perfect. 

When I see people get very intensely angry about fiction being imperfect, about wanting it ‘perfect,’ it makes me worry maybe they can’t take and accept their own imperfections. That they see themselves as pure good or evil too, and either naively think of themselves as “perfect” which leads to ignoring when you do actually harm others or yourself (which will happen sometimes), or think of themselves already as irredeemably bad and never able to fix it (since any imperfection even if working on it is “not good enough” according to such a thought process). And that’s an awful way to live. You need to be able to care for yourself NOW, think you’re worthy of respect and fairness NOW, think others critiques of you can be put to constructive use so you can grow, think of yourself as the sum of all the years of growing and improving you ALREADY DID and how that’s a wonderful amazing thing you’ve accomplished! 

This purity culture idea just seems like its very prone to making the people sucked into it self hate because humans just never can be fully perfect, or sucked into never improving and growing and rejecting times they maybe should for their own wellbeing because admitting they have any flaws makes them forever ‘awful.’ That’s not true. You’re not inherently bad, period. You’re not bad for having flaws, you’re normal and human and alive. It’s okay to have flaws, its okay to gradually work on them because humans can only improve so much at a time, its okay to realize 2 decades later that oh you still have this negative thing you do and then maybe work on it then. The reality is we will never be perfect, we will still find our share of some kinds of flaws when we’re very old and about to die, and we need to be able to accept ourselves and appreciate the progress we constantly make and recognize we are valuable and inherently okay as people even when there are still flaws or new flaws come up. 

#rant #basically just. if you view yourself with purity culture. u can hurt yourself very badly #and when u start seeing your outside world as black white pure good pure bad? then its a slippery slope to viewing #yourself and other real people that way #in reality? a parent can be very loving and healthy and STILL fuck you up a little and still need to work on it until they're 60 #in reality? you could've had divorced or absent parents and that made you play out #subconcious abandonment issues on your crushes in high school and the truth is you WERE a jerk #but you werent 'pure evil' you were simply doing all you knew how to naturally do at the time #and you simply could Not have done better until someone or yourself NOTICED you were acting out your abandonment issues #and even once you work on those issues in therapy or self help? it will be a lifetime of those traits instilled from childhood #rearing their ugly head to some degree. not enough to be a jerk anymore yay #but enough that you still might get irrationally jealous. or irrationally fearful when someone is emotionally close #we don't ever become 100% perfect and we cant expect ourselves or others to be #we are ALL flawed in a myriad of ways and need to be able to accept people have flaws and are still Good and Worth existing #because we ARE flawed people. everyone we know is #when we put some people on a pedestal as perfect we lie to ourselves and hurt ourselves and everyone else

[gothminyoongi]

it’s funny, i thought about making this post weeks ago and never got around to it, but in light of recent events, it seems even more relevant now:

this is a gentle reminder that your idols can and most likely will at some point, let you down. not necessarily on purpose, or because they don’t want to be good role models for you or because they are bad people, but because they are human. and human beings, believe it or not, are not capable of being perfect. 

now, this is not me saying that idols shouldn’t be held accountable for their actions, because they absolutely should. we are all responsible for what we say and what we do, even if it’s a mistake. (also please know that when i talk about mistakes in this post, i am not referring to literal criminal/unforgivable moral choices a la s*ungri). 

the issue is that “stan/cancel” culture has created an environment where every single thing that an idol does is considered to be “all bad” or “all good.” stan culture builds idols up and up and up, until they are at such high levels that people treat them like gods instead of human beings. which means that when they inevitably fuck up, as humans are wont to do, they either a) have all their actions completely excused or b) fall so hard and so fast from their pedestals, that people decide they are worthless, irredeemable trash.

neither of these things are good. it sets you as a fan up for automatic disappointment, and it puts a ridiculous amount of pressure on idols to be perfect, even though they are not physically capable of doing so. and honestly? if we held ourselves to the same standards that we often hold our faves to, we would all be going to hell. (to be clear, i also understand that as a celeb, you do have more reach and therefore a greater responsibility to set a good example, but even then you are still not gonna be able to never mess up. it’s literally impossible).

in terms of the jungkook situation: personally, i do think that it was kind of an ill-advised choice to go out. however, i also understand that jungkook is an adult (he’s the same age as me, so i’m familiar with the level of maturity here), and he is capable of making his own decisions. furthermore, from what i have read in regards to the situation, he did not break any laws (korea was not on lockdown, and at the time at least, restaurants/bars/clubs were open to the public and cases had receded significantly) and he also took the necessary government suggested precautions (getting tested, etc.). was i a little disappointed to hear about it? yes. do i think you have the right to be disappointed? also yes. do i think that he also had his privacy invaded and that we as fans really aren’t entitled to his personal life? also 100% yes. is this something he should be crucified over? no, absolutely not. 

if this incident causes you to have the reaction “see, you should never trust/believe in your faves because they are all inherently bad and lie,” then i would maybe reevaluate a little, because that is not a healthy mindset to have. technically speaking, if this were any other person on the planet, it would be none of our business really (not that it is truly our business now, but i digress). we would most likely just roll our eyes and move on. the only reason that we end up feeling so betrayed by this stuff in the first place is because we have initially expected the impossible from people that are, at a base level, the same as us. this is something that i think many of us do unconsciously or by act of association, but it is really, really important to recognize as soon as possible.

anyway tl;dr: please, try and have realistic expectations for your idols, for both your own sake and for theirs. it’s okay to be disappointed by the things that they do sometimes. it’s bound to happen. but that doesn’t automatically make them the worst person to ever exist.

#stan culture #cancel culture #kpop #bts #jeon jungkook #look i understand how big this pandemic is #really i do #i've lost a family member to it already #and more than anything i worry for jungkookie's safety #but honestly? this is not the hill to die on #we are detracting from bigger issues surrounding the virus #and we are NOT THE BOYS PARENTS #we also don't know the exact circumstances or kook's thought process? #like at all? #if he was being as safe as was legally required then i don't even really think he needs to apologize #like regardless of what i personally would have done #as long as he was following the rules for his country then ultimately it is his choice #idk man this whole thing has just brought my undying hatred for stan/cancel culture

[from-the-shallows]

Frozen and Fruits Basket: Love

EDIT: Some bits deleted when I was making edits to this post...sorry if the beginning didn’t make sense! Should be fixed now.

(lol I titled this like I’m pretending to write a legit essay I promise it’s all over the place lol)

I don’t really care for Frozen (although as narratively flawed as it is, I adore Frozen 2. It makes me so happy <3) for a lot of reasons. A big one is one of Elsa’s lines: “Love will thaw...Love. Of course! Love!” It always has rubbed me the wrong way, especially since Frozen tried to delve into the topics of anxiety, depression, isolation, etc. and the real traumatic effects they can have on people. Anna being isolated for most of her life without choice and so desperate for love and affection of any kind wants to marry the first man she meets. Elsa, afraid of herself and hurting others so much that she locks herself away, living in constant fear. Kristoff who, while he has a found family, is so lonely and out of touch that his only companion is a reindeer who he makes up thoughts for. Even Hans, who grew up practically unnoticed and unloved because he had so many older brothers (I really wish I could have learned more about his backstory tbh). They all had some serious stuff to work through. So this idea of her saying this, so on the nose, “OF COURSE! Love!! How could I not have known?!” Or the trolls: Kristoff is messed up in all sorts of ways but just love him and it’ll be fine! It’s such a simplified version of love. Like, here’s the thing. Love doesn’t fix things like anxiety, depression, and isolation. It doesn’t cure our traumas and erase all the mistrust from toxic relationships in our past. Love helps. Love is a tool to begin and sustain healing. But we also need to process feelings (talk to friends, get therapy if needed), reflect upon ourselves and our actions, forgive if that’s what we need to do in order to heal, the list goes on. And love can be a huge part of that. But, “Hey, I love you! Everything’s better!” just…it feels like a lie, you know? I wish we could have seen more development between Elsa and Anna and how they grew from their traumas. Which is probably why I like Frozen 2 so much. It’s not perfect, but they feel more like people I guess? I digress.

Here’s where Fruits Basket comes in. Spoilers under the cut if you haven’t read the manga.

A lot of people think Tohru is this godsend, the only person who can help the Sohma’s in their path to break away from the toxic family structure that’s filled with abuse and trauma. That she’s the only one who is destined to break this curse. And like…I was thinking about this. What the Sohma’s needed was an outside influence. A person not in the family circle who is open, kind, and accepting to break the cycle and begin the process of healing. There are lots of people in the world who possess these qualities that could have filled that role. She is not special in that regard. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE Torhu, and she should be protected at all costs!! But we also shouldn’t put her on a pedestal, because then we fail to see that she is a good, loving person who will do anything for anyone—but who also as her own traumas. Her own heartbreak. Her own needs that she neglects. That she’s a whole, beautifully kind and beautifully flawed person. Not a miracle. Shigure, Momiji, Kyou, Rin, and Hiro are some of the few that recognize this. She is NOT the “Love fixes everything!” character. She is the character who listens. Who gives support and advice when needed. Who tells Kyou that it’s okay to hate Yuki because she knows that’s all he can handle right now. The character who also hates her dead father because he almost took her mother from her when he died. She’s nuanced. And after that kindness that some of the Sohma’s had never experienced before, after they were able to open up and see that there was a way to live better, a way to break free…They realized they could be loved and grow as people with the support they receive and the work that they choose to put in (another thing that bugs me, “Oh Tohru made Yuki grow!” Like yeah she did help but Yuki has been working his ass off to get where he is!). Tohru is special because she is the first for so many Sohma’s to give them any sort of kindness, comfort, love, empathy, etc. And she is treasured for that, as she should be. But there is so much more involved, you know? She is a catalyst. A piece. Not the whole puzzle.

I kind of lost track of this post, haha. Just some thoughts that have been on my mind recently. I guess it bums me out when people talk about Tohru like she’s a Mary Sue because she’s perfect, or like she’s the one responsible for breaking the curse (that would be time, it was already breaking before she even showed up), that she single-handedly healed every Sohma from their trauma, because she’s kind. It’s just not that simple. I don’t mean to downplay Tohru at all, kindness and love and support are vital parts of healing, I just think that it defeats the purpose of her character to treat her like a superhero or something. You know?

tl;dr Fruits Basket did healing from trauma better than Frozen. I know as a series Fruits Basket had more time but just conceptually it’s better and more satisfying.

#fruits basket #fruits basket spoilers #me #be kind to me #i'm tired and i ramble a whole bunch #sometimes it's hard for me to gather my own thoughts so #i hope this made a modicum of sense

[usernames-aren-t-myforte]

You (2018)

Alright, so I’m gonna try my best to articulate my feelings about this show, and more specifically, it’s main character Joe Goldberg. 

So first off, this show... is definitely an intense ride. Technically it’s not perfect (really, what is), but I feel like it’s quality is higher than most things we’ve been given in the last several years. Underneath all the action and drama, there’s a real sincerity and deep character study here.  And in all honesty, that is what I live for, and crave most in my shows/movies. So the fact that I have tons of thoughts about it from the get-go, and that it can spark real discussion among its viewers, makes me happy beyond belief. 

There are a lot of interesting and clever things about this story. One of which that stood out to me first was that, this is a stalker story from a man’s POV, written by a woman. Now of course, a good writer can make any believable character, so I’m not saying this is out of complete and utter shock or anything.  I just think it adds more to how impressively real and genuine this story feels. I’m not an expert on what goes on in a male mind, but reading the book, and watching the show, Caroline Kepnes made capturing a man’s thought process seem effortless, and I am a little blown away by that. I think it’s fantastic. So right away, as a woman, I’m intrigued with getting such a close peek into what’s going on in the brain of someone of the opposite sex. Who doesn’t want that when they get the chance?  

Which leads me to the next point I appreciate: it almost feels like we, the audience/reader are being invasive too. I don’t know about you guys, but I became very aware (especially while reading the book) that we weren’t invited into this guy’s head by him. We’re just there. Snooping into his life and his stalker ways. It feels a little like this scene in the show:

(Which is my absolute FAVORITE omg 😂😂😂😂😂)

So in some ways, it feels like you’re mirroring Joe a little bit. You’re watching/reading this guy’s every move, and making your own judgements and conclusions on them. Plus, the intense curiosity I got while reading the book/watching the show, made me ravenous for more. I devoured this book/show, and would have continued to, no matter how long this story went on. So all at once it seems to make me feel more relatable to Joe, while also feeling a little hypocritical as I judge his thoughts and actions from afar. I think deep down we’re all, to some degree, a little inappropriately nosy and curious. Especially when we have the opportunity to be. So right away going in, on this very vague basis, I can honestly say I relate to Joe a little bit.  That said, here is where I’m going to try and explain my feelings about Joe. Hopefully I’ll be able to convey my thoughts clearly, because when it comes to the more serious stuff like this, I believe it’s important for there to be no misunderstandings. 

Okay. So Joe Goldberg. This slippery little weasel right here. 

Yes, I will start by saying that he is hot, he is attractive, and there is an appealing quality to him. I don’t think it’s wrong to admit that. However, there are some glaring flaws that cannot and should not be ignored. I will get to that in a second. But first, I want to touch on some of the surface things that drew me in about this guy, and makes me uncomfortably aware of the fact that if I didn’t know his dirt, I’d totally be into him. 

#1

He’s smart. He’s well read. The man loves books. I love books. Watching him rebind a damaged hardcover would be a satisfying date for me, I’m not going to lie. 

#2, he’s funny. 

#3, on the surface (and I can’t stress that statement enough ON THE SURFACE) he makes for a pretty dang decent boyfriend. 

#4, when he’s correct about what’s right,

#5, again, he’s pretty relatable sometimes

#6, he seems pretty good at *ahem*

You know. Which is always nice. 

But that’s the surface stuff. Now it’s time for the nitty gritty. The really important part. 

There is a strong Ted Bundy flavor here. He doesn’t seem menacing. He just seems like your every-day, relatable, charming, attractive guy. You wouldn’t feel threatened by him at all if you met him. Even someone as smart as Beck fell for it. 

He was very good at putting his best foot forward.  Hence the surface stuff. Hence the attraction we may feel despite ourselves. However, I do sympathize with him to some degree. And here’s why.  Unlike Ted Bundy, I don’t get the impression that Joe has a bloodlust. Ted Bundy would go and meet women, charm them, woo them, lure them in with the express intention of killing them. That was his endgame. He craved the feeling he got when he tortured, raped, and killed women.  

^ Now Joe IS a killer. There is no sidestepping that. But the reason he feels he can claim he’s not is because, unlike Mr. Bundy, Joe’s motivation with selecting his next girl isn’t murder. It’s finding “love”, in his mind. So I do sympathize with him to some degree, because I can’t label him as a monster, or 100% evil. His surface stuff wasn’t a complete sham. It was merely the best version of himself. His good side. The side of himself he let others see. That’s another way we’re vaguely relatable. We all try to hide the less-than-savory side of ourselves.  The only difference is: Joe’s “bad side” is incredibly dangerous. 

So while his motivation was different, his threat level is still very much up there.

I also got the impression that all the stuff he said about his thoughts on love and wanting to “make it work”- he really believed what he was saying. He genuinely felt that way, regardless of how skewed his perception of the situation was. So while his actions were undeniably wrong, I could feel for the guy, and at least relate to the view he tries to get across. That said, the main problem with Joe is that his reactions are extreme. Especially in the book, the man can be very bipolar. When he perceives things are going well, he’s on top of the world. And when he thinks things are going sour, he’s completely in the pits and hates everything. The man is unstable. No matter how much we can understand his desires or his thought process, the truth of the matter is- he does not function properly. It is important to see him for what he is. But at the same time, I feel it’s okay to feel bad about that. He’s clearly messed up, but it’s okay to still see him as human. Like someone else said in the tag, humanizing =/= excusing. As long as you’re not ride or die with all of his murdering and stalking, it’s okay to sympathize for him. It’s okay to relate.  It’s okay to understand his perspective.  But it’s equally important to grasp the reality of the character. He is a danger to the public. He is not fit to roam free. 

In all fairness, I think they did make him a tad more sympathetic in the show. Because like I said earlier, in the book he was more bipolar, while in the show, he was more consistent in his intense optimism about his relationship with Beck. To watch this unstable guy want something so much, something most of us want, is the most relatable thing there is. 

It’s a thing we generally want most people to enjoy. That’s where the main conflict inside me comes from. Love is a pure thing. And lasting romantic bliss is something most of us wish to attain. So to watch this guy who’s clearly unfit for it, but still genuinely wants it SO badly, makes my heart go out to him a little. Emotionally he is this wounded bird, while in every other way he most definitely is NOT. 

Beck said it best when she pointed out that, no matter his intention, it was not his place to fix her life.  It was HER life, HER choices.  We might objectively see how a certain change could improve someone’s life, but their life is ultimately their own, and we have no right to take charge away from how they choose to lead it. We can only try and find someone who makes decisions we can generally agree with and stand by. This is something Joe couldn’t understand. He sees a girl he likes, he puts her on a pedestal, and he immediately gets to work trying to “help” her, to “save” her. His perception is off on how a relationship works, and what being a “good boyfriend” means.  And again, what messes with your head a little bit, is that he’s not 100% off.  On the surface, he’s a great boyfriend. But his bad side makes him feel like it’s his duty to “protect” his girlfriend in ways that aren’t acceptable or okay.  And he doesn’t realize that his “bad side” is wrong, and proportionally way off from a normal person’s.  

The ideal solution would be for him to go to a mental hospital and get help. But realistically, he’d probably be able to talk his way out of there. So unfortunately, the only place for him is prison.  He is a dangerous man. There is no overlooking it. 

I think in a nutshell, my main feeling toward this character is a big ‘If only’.  If only he were stable, if only his mental health could be improved, if only he had proper boundaries, if only he didn’t kill people. But we have to face the music. No matter how badly we feel for him, and wish for better- the reality is, he’s a dangerous criminal. There’s nothing romantic about that. Plenty to sympathize with, but nothing to excuse. He is ultimately the villain, though he sees himself as, and tries hard to be, the hero. We can’t separate the bad from the good inside him, no matter how much we might want to. Joe Goldberg is an amazing character. He’s intriguing, he’s interesting, he’s fascinating, he’s entertaining. But at the end of the day, you don’t want to date him. Amazingly written, sympathetic character does not always equal good boyfriend material. Ship him with his mental health instead. 

All in all, a solid 9 out of 10. 

#You #you netflix #joe goldberg #I really really hope I expressed myself well enough #it's important to me that my stand with this character is clear as crystal #I’d like to think I have a good balance between sympathetic and realistic

[cummunication]

Breaking Up (is hard to do)

Breaking up is hard to do. That’s not just some cliche catch phrase but it’s the truth. Breakups have always been the absolute worst for me. I’ve had a few but there’s only been one that was extremely difficult. The rest haven’t been a walk in the park but easier, rather. I have deep abandonment wounds so I not only loathe being abandoned but abandoning people. My worst fear is losing a loved one; probably because I lost my father at a young age and being adopted. Grief is a scary emotion which I try to avoid like the plague. This has left me to stay in situations a lot longer than is healthy. I was unhappy, yet due to my grief phobia, I would stay because it was better than losing someone. Anyone who’s gone through a breakup can understand how painful it can be. It’s not the post breakup which irks me but actually pulling off the band aid. You see, I’ve never been broken up with, so I can’t fully comprehend what it’s like. I’ve had breakups where it was mutual to go our separate ways but only after I initiated it. Yet I can empathize with anyone who has had a broken heart. It’s not just the person who is left that’s prone to heartbreak; I’ve been subjected to pain while doing the breaking up. After a breakup, strong feelings can linger for your lost love. We might put them on a pedestal, only to remember the good times which makes us miss them. There’s nothing wrong or shameful about writing a list of all their flaws in order to make yourself feel better. There’s no one size fits all solution to getting over someone. There is no perfect formula on how to break up but there are general guidelines on how to make it smoother. Most people generally need time, self-reflection, distraction, venting and good chocolate to heal. Don’t let anyone (especially yourself) tell you how fast you should be back on the market or forgetting about your ex. I cried every day for almost a year after my ex and I split. This was the person I wanted to marry, and my fantasy had been ruined. I felt I should have forgotten him or found someone new after a month passed. I figured he was over it and it put that much more pressure on me to let things go. I had to understand this was my first love and we were together for quite some time. Not to mention the relationship was tumultuous and dysfunctional so it made separating much harder. It wasn’t reasonable to set unrealistic expectations on myself. The length of recovery from a breakup can take anywhere from a few weeks to a few years. It is different for everybody and the circumstances of the relationship. It also matters how much effort you do or do not put into bettering yourself in order to move past your ex. Here are some tips when it comes to getting over or ending things with that someone… 1. Don’t only imagine the worst possible outcome; consider realistic possibilities as well. AKA, try not to catastrophize. We make things much harder in our heads then they actually are. Stay in the present and try not to worry about the future or dwell on the past. Learning mindfulness techniques can be helpful here. 2. Minimize the “if only” about the breakup and notice when you are having ruminating thoughts about the relationship. Write them down or take an artistic outlet to express your feelings. 3. Unplug from your ex; this means totally disconnecting from their social media and other forms of communication. AKA, don’t be a stalker and try to accept that it’s over. 4. Engage in new activities to restore your sense of self. We tend to lose ourselves in relationships since we invest so much time, energy and resources into another. Now is your chance to find yourself again and enjoy a little “me time” which we all deserve. Get back in touch with yourself and tend to your needs. If we jump right back into the dating scene, we can make the same mistakes we did in our last relationship and feel like we’re living a lie. Not to mention forcing feelings is never fun and nobody wants to be a rebound. 5. Be open to feedback, even if it’s difficult to receive. Recognize people want to help you. Be honest with friends and family about what’s going on. Also be honest with yourself and consider therapy. Nowadays, we don’t even need to leave our house for counseling so try not to make excuses about it being too much money or taking up too much time. It’s one hour of your day and most therapists accept insurance or work on sliding scales. Breakups can be pretty awful whether you are initiating or receiving the bad news. Remind yourself you are in control; this is your life and you have to do what’s best for you and vice versa. If you aren’t a sociopath, you are conscious of others feelings and most of us don’t like hurting people. Nobody is immune to the intense, negative emotions that come along with a breakup. We are (to an extent), forced to stop loving someone whom we shared our life with. If you are considering breaking up with someone, I suggest making a list of [their] pros and cons. I have done this in the past and when I saw how much longer the “reasons to leave” side was versus “reasons to stay”, I had to be truthful with myself. Just know that whether you just got dumped or did the dumping, you are important. You matter and just because things didn’t work out with someone doesn’t mean they wont with someone else. There are millions of people in this world and things are bound to not workout with a handful. That also means they are bound to workout with at least one. In the meantime, give yourself the love and respect you are missing and deserve.

#breakups #breakup #breakingup #missingyou #missingsomeone #love #blog #blogger #dating #relationships #relationshipadvice #movingon #letgo

[starlitesymphony]

Novel Snippet #2

I was really tickled by your response to the first one (thanks again, you guys rock!) Here’s a much longer one, featuring grand-theft starship--and also some of Quin’s abilities. Space station security? No biggie!

You can read the blurb for Ark of the Timelost and the 1st snippet here.

@lady-redshield-writes, @ally-thorne, @toboldlywrite, @writeontheedge, @writerray, @hklunethewriter, @danceny, @loveiseldritch (please let me know if you’d like off the list--or on)

The shuttle hatch splits open and Maddox steps out like we’ve just arrived in Gallanthius’s Central Promenade. A loose swarm of people fill the cylinder-shaped concourse, emerging from and stepping into airlocks on all sides. The shuffling of footsteps is nearly louder than the sparse conversation. 

I stride after him, resolving to mimic his professional air. Every color of uniform streams around me. The occasional floral dress or casual top break up an otherwise very official crowd. All of them with hair cropped in a practical manner. All of them at least a head shorter than either of us.

|Not to worry,| Maddox messages. |Here, the more you stand out, the fewer questions they ask.|

I catch a few sideways glances in my periphery, but soon focus on his back and the art of walking casually. By now, security is watching, perhaps even following. I haven’t spotted anyone yet. I bet Maddox has, though.

It’s odd. All of these officers, all of these middle-aged and even elderly people, all of them traveling alone, with no apprentice in sight. I know the Imperian military is entirely unlike the Troika. But it still feels more foreign here than I thought it would. And they just seem…so old. Maddox is old, really old, but he doesn’t resemble them in the slightest.

We board a sterile trolley with a somber group in burgundy and silver. Their eyes are too busy with glinting cortex feeds to pay us much mind, other than sideways glances from two younger women with matching jeweled insignia on their neck scarves.

Almost everyone files into the hall on our first stop. Maddox and I move toward the front. Soon, after the next stop, we find ourselves alone, whisking along increasingly rusted and mossy tunnelways with only the occasional blocky hatch on either side. Moments of darkness pass where lights have broken. This may be a space station, but it feels like a derelict mine, left to decay long after its ores had been extracted.

|What is this place?| I tap. We couldn’t have missed our stop. Maybe we’re going to some forgotten security terminal.

|The Imperia has to keep its decommissioned starships somewhere, in case a new prisma deposit is discovered, although that particular hope is roughly six centuries dead.|

|Couldn’t they grow more ships, though? If more prisma was ever found.|

Maddox smiles darkly, and sighs. |Growing a fleet would take years. And imagine if a sizable prisma deposit was discovered. If the Imperia didn’t outright crumble, they would have multiple rebellions on their hands, across at least a dozen star systems. Hale would probably be first in line. The Imperia’s power lies more in its monopoly on prisma than anything else.|

|So when the Collective ordered the missile strike on Vassra’s base—when they called it preemptive—|

|They’ve been challenged by organized pirates before. Not in a long time, but they don’t want to take their chances, clearly.|

I glance at my feet, eager to change the subject but unable to stop thinking of Mother, and what if she’s somewhere in that base? Only a slim chance, Maddox said. But he could have been hiding the truth. He could have lied. He might know she’s there for sure, but would he even tell me?

No, no. This is no time for that. I’ll watch the windows, try to blank out my growing alarm.

Meanwhile, Maddox is a picture of tranquility. Perhaps weathering an internal storm, or as unworried as Ash accused him of being, there’s no way for me to know. As if the conversation I’d overheard never happened. He suspects his own mentor of betraying us, yet watches through the trolley’s spotless windows with resignation, eyes glinting blue.

We slow to a stop, and the doors slide open, almost tentatively, as if our transportation is having second thoughts about dropping us off in such a remote location. A wide platform awaits us when we step through. The tiles, arranged in what must’ve been a spectacular mosaic, lie chipped and fragmented and overgrown with moss and creeping vines. Lichen-speckled reliefs cover the walls. Towering statues guard the outer bulkhead. The Navigator, with her signature third eye, nothing but a blank divot where a sapphire should be. Beside her, the Mariner, the second-in-command who braved the first warp journey. Some of the gold leaf is still visible in her hair.

I crane back my head, gaze wandering up the length of the diamond bulkhead, taller than Ash’s shuttle.

Maddox slips back his sleeve and presses his seal against a corroded sensory bar. Low rumbling fills the tunnel as the trolley whisks away, leaving us in the glimmering light of a thousand pinpoints in the rafters. Broken glass twinkles along the base of the walls and at the feet of the deities. The picked-over remains of offerings from a thousand years ago.

Maddox pulls back from the bulkhead as a burst of stale air vents from the bottom. “Rather humbling, isn’t it? I wonder if they could’ve guessed that one day, it would be merely the two of us standing here, not even paying reverence.”

I nudge some pottery shards with my toe. “I think they would’ve been more appalled to see their holy site turned into a military base.”

Once the bulkhead grinds open enough for us to duck through, we emerge into a great cathedral of a vestibule, so overgrown with foliage that almost all of the lights have been blocked out. Orchids spring from defaced reliefs. Glass and wood and Mariner-knows-what-else crunch underfoot. A pile of brown bones lies off to the side of the next bulkhead. Animal, or…? Perhaps better not to look closely.

Another press of Maddox’s seal, and machinery protests and grinds far below. Like we’re breaking into an ancient crypt.

|This next passage is where I need you to wait. Find a place on the ceiling. You can’t interrupt me until I finish with the codes, so if anyone comes, it’s your job to neutralize them.|

We duck through into darkness. A rotten, nostril-burning stench washes over me. Insects…I hope insects…scuttle at my ankles, and the buzzing of flies makes a perfect compliment to the hideous smell. Luckily, it only takes a few moments for my olfactory system to recognize and block out the molecules. My visual feed ever-so-helpfully identifies their source. |Chupher’s corpseflower approx. 45 blooms detected.|

“If the whole ship is like this, we’re taking a different one,” Maddox grumbles.

I follow his faintly glowing outline. “It’s not so bad once the scent’s blocked.”

“I won’t have you breathing poison for the length of the trip. This ship’s environment must be severely unbalanced to allow an infestation like this.”

My eyes haven’t fully adjusted to the dark, only enough to show monochromatic foliage and the flat, gargantuan surface of the primary bulkhead. Maddox rips back a few vines to reveal a control array sitting cockeyed on a pedestal. He sinks his hands into ports on either side, with a lot more indifference than I’d be able to muster. Imagine how many insects have found their way to the tactile jelly within, if there’s even still enough to make a neural connection.

“Now,” he says, hands working tentatively, the glow of his skin intensifying. “I’ll be unresponsive for only a few minutes. Off you go.”

I glance up once more. I don’t see any movement, but…am I really going to stop and check for centipedes? Creepy-crawlies dart up my arms. I squeeze my hands into fists. What would Maddox would say if I told him I was more afraid of bugs than security guards? It’s not even a very good joke.

Shadowy armor tendrils rise from my shoulders and attach in the depths above. My senses expand with them—I feel the touch of warm dew, followed by the papery flick of leaves, and the squish of layered moss. Then, the rough stone lining the passage.

Once my nanoarmor has shooed all the insects away, I sail up into darkness, leaving Maddox staring resolutely ahead, eyes bright with data streams.

I anchor myself with a few tendrils from my calves and back and hang like an upside-down spider.

This chamber would have been a sort of inner sanctum, back in the Age of Pilgrimage. Starship captains weren’t just pilots. They were practically disciples, chosen to lead congregations in the Navigator’s footsteps. While the captain initiated boarding sequences, like Maddox is doing, the room would have been packed with the most privileged followers, chanting the same low, breathy prayers heard in cathedrals all over Imperian worlds.

The only ones doing any chanting now are toads croaking off in the far corner.

A message snaps through my visual feeds. It’s from Ash.

|Docked. A lot of shuttles just entered the tracks above us. No definite ID on them until their next orbit, but you should probably hurry.|

|That was quick,| I tap against the carbon black of a nanoarmor tendril.

|Yeah. And four security guards just got on the trolley, headed in your direction.|

My stomach jolts. Four of them? Why couldn’t it be just two? |Carrying plasma rifles, I suppose.|

|Didn’t look like it. No masks, either, so just put them to sleep. And yeah, you should really hurry.|

Tense, silent seconds tick by, stretching into minutes, or possibly years. My breath is perfectly measured but it makes no difference to my flailing thoughts. We already broke the law by leaving Gallanthius. Still, I hadn’t exactly planned on adding assault on Imperian security to my records, too. At least, not all in the same day.

Maddox’s eyes are still glazed when the soft whirring sound of the trolley echoes through the passage, followed by four sets of cautious footsteps. Judging by their disjointed movement, they’re carrying rifles of some kind, but not with much sense of authority.

A woman’s voice rings out. “Navigator’s breath, what is that smell? You there! Turn around. Now.”

She uses a surprisingly diplomatic tone, considering that Maddox’s silhouette must look taller than a willow tree, stillness matched by the stone in my armor’s grasp.

The guards shuffle into view, hefting ordinary projectile rifles. Bars of light blink from their meandering spotlights. They truly must have no idea who they’re dealing with. I’m going to keep it that way. They’ve only seen Maddox’s back so far.

With the ease of a thought, my hair twists into a web of armor tendrils and whips out to a new anchor point. I slip silently into position just above the guards’ heads.

The woman speaks up again. “Sir, we would be happy to escort you to the proper concourse. We just need to scan your military seal and we can all be on our way. Turn around, please.”

My visual feeds light up with new information from my armor. |Mapping scent receptors of (4) individuals—Grade 6 tranquilizer available—(3) seconds for Grade 7 availability.|

“Shh. Look at him. He hasn’t moved.” A male voice this time, a bit shaky. “He’s locked into boarding sequences.”

“Boarding sequences?” the woman scoffs. “For what? One of these old heaps? Come on.”

“No, but look.” One of the spotlights settles on Maddox’s back. I focus on the four helmeted heads below. I extend my hand, nanoarmor tendrils trailing from each fingertip, obsidian points sharpening to microscopic needles.

At last, all four of them exhale at the same time.

Armor tendrils dart beneath their nostrils, release a puff of odorless tranquilizer, and whisk back into my hand in the space of a blink. Even grade seven takes a few seconds to knock someone out. Hopefully, with their adrenals rushing as they are, it’ll work faster this time.

“You smell something dead, madam?” It’s the male voice again, hitching on some of the consonants, slurring almost imperceptibly on the m’s.

“How many times do I have to tell you, call me Sergeant Nathine.”  She takes a few determined steps forward, only to stumble on a broken tile and pitch forward with gurgling growl.

“What’s the matter with all of you?” she mutters, and passes out on a rough-looking root mass.

The other three crumple down without another coherent word. Pulses beat steadily in my visual feed, and their brain waves fluctuate rapidly toward REM sleep. Those will be some interesting dreams.

I lower myself to the ground and withdraw my armor, returning skin and uniform to their usual appearance, and pause to straighten the hem of my jacket. I glance over the security guards, reduced to a sullen, humiliated heap in this dank cell of a boarding passage. It’s not like I killed them, but a knot grows in my chest anyway.

It’s not like I even harmed them. Even so, I, a Troika, laid hands on Imperian guards, sort of. Will that get me a mere wrist-slap when all of this is over? Or will Maddox insist on taking the blame, for this and everything else?

“Quin.”

I whirl around. Maddox pulls his hands loose from the control array, and gives them a firm shake. He nods toward the bulkhead, which hasn’t so much as budged. “We have to move quickly now. I’ve received a message from Aneke.”

Clicks and whirs of machinery grumble far below us. My ankles vibrate with the first groans from the overgrown bulkhead. I wait for him to continue, but he merely tucks away his hands and stares ahead with a thoughtful tilt of his head.

“Let me guess.” I hug my arms to my chest. The bulkhead ticks unenthusiastically upwards. “Aneke does not approve.”

“Worse.” He grits his teeth a moment before continuing. “She’s been sent to convince us to cease and desist. And she’s in orbit now.”

He crouches beside the bulkhead, watching the gap widen. Crystalline black nanoarmor glints at his brow and temples, and licks out from his fingertips when he touches the ground.

“Our only chance is to outrun her,” he says, with typical finality.

“But you were her apprentice. Ash, too. Would she really stand against you? She can be a bit cross at times, but I don’t think—”

“Forgive me, Quin,” Maddox interrupts, tone dropping low, “but you don’t know the first thing about Aneke. She’s going to stop us, if she can. She has no other choice.”

He slides his arm under the bulkhead, pokes and prods with a narrow-eyed glare, and sinks into a shadowy black pool before vanishing altogether through the narrow opening.

I kick out at an upturned tile. It breaks off with a crack. If he’d only tell me. The truth about himself, his mentor, anything, ever.

“Are you still coming?” Maddox calls.

“Well, yes—”

“Then get in here, because we have to run. Hurry!”

I drop flat and jam my way through the opening, teeth clenched all the while.

((Thank you so much for reading!!))

#my novel #looong snippet more like excerpt #writing science fiction #writeblr #my ocs #trying to share a bit more instead of sidelining lol

[peculiarlylost]

Who really is Rachel Amber?

Read till the end. It will be worth it, I promise.

I think the whole point of Rachel Amber is for her to be a person who you see, but you actually never get to know. She looks like the "It" girl. Perfect parents, perfect grades, perfect house, beautiful, talented, intelligent. She is the perfect student, daughter, actress, model, psychologist, school secretary. She is a star which shines so bright she literally blinds everyone. She is fire, a passion, a dragon.... and to the pain of everyone involved she is, ultimately, a human being.

The problem with Rachel Amber is that it seems like she is used to people thinking she is flawless. She is used to getting her way and never having to face the consequences of what she does, because who she appears to be makes up for it. I think Rachel is so used to people projecting on her that they never truly see her and all her dark behaviours are usually done in the shadow... she has to live pretending. Is not only the drugs, party and sex... but the fact that she can be genuinely evil and manipulative in her ways and yet, the real world never seems to reach her.

Besides being a girl whose life has been so perfect she can barely tolerate a scratch in it before having an emotional breakdown (aka, her father having an affair). I am impressed at how she cheats, messes with different people, takes her rage issues out on others, gets involved in situation which can severely harm others (like drugging Victoria`s tea or getting Chloe skip school with her when Chloe has already enough problems with her records) she even starts a fucking forest fire... and yet people in Arcadia Bay, Chloe herself and plenty of the game players are STILL making excuses for this person. Rachel is a dark being, make no mistake, the problem is that nobody actually SEES her. When she banishes hardly anyone, besides Chloe, wants to find her... that's because she was a scapegoat in which the entire town projected it's light, she was never seen as a person. She was a ghost, a dream. When it became too much of a weight for Rachel to bear (all the expectations of people) she literally lit herself on fire.

Rachel does not care for Chloe. Does not matter what it seems to be... the girls have known each other for literally two days. Rachel is an actress. Rachel uses Chloe as a person with whom she can explore her dark side, and also somebody she can manipulate to do things she wouldn't do on her own (like run away). Chloe clings on Rachel because she is extremely alone, and puts her on a pedestal. Chloe is extremely lonely and has abandonment issues. The one difference is that Chloe and Rachel are not comparable characters. Chloe has lost her father, her best friend, is having to adapt to her step father, has problems at school, people treat her like shit and her economic situation isn't the best. Chloe is literally trapped in emotional angst and she escapes into self destruction, art and drugs. Besides her mother, Chloe has lost what she valued the most. Rachel Amber does not come from such context and can not be compared.

Rachel probably senses her father is having as affair... and all of a sudden Chloe would make a great friend... and also be an emotional punching bag? These two knew each other for a while and Rachel knows what spots to touch to get to Chloe. Chloe only idealizes Rachel, the same as the rest of Arcadia Bay, and Rachel prays on this. Chloe is a "what you see is what you get" type of girl, she is loyal and extremely reliable and Rachel uses this for her own means.

Ultimately destiny has its ways and Rachel meets Mark Jefferson. Having strong motives to have daddy and mommy issues is not a surprise Rachel would be attracted to a father figure (him). He is probably the one person she cant read and who is actually a better predator than her... she goes into his house and he eats her. Mark Jefferson is the monster Rachel Amber was looking to encounter, and she did, because her own inner demons were not too different. She was a beautiful predator, who just got eaten by a smarter one. Chloe is warned by William in before the storm "the fire is beautiful, but if you aren't careful you will get burned too".

In terms of Rachel's character and personality, we can see she is interested in astrology / psychology / certain aspects of spirituality. Usually, people who look deeply into astrology do so to understand themselves and those around them, a serious understanding of astrology gives you a bit of a advantage over other people, as you can know things about people they aren't even aware exist within themselves. You must not have a very defined sense of personality, if you need the stars to tell you the truth of who and what you are. This interest in the esoteric arts gave me the impression that maybe Rachel is more empty than she seems. When Max and Chloe find Rachel's body, there is a sign from a restaurant with a crab on it. Astrologically speaking, the crab is a sign of motherhood, probably meaning that in a fucked up way... Rachel is now finally back into her roots... into the Earth where we all come from.

Chloe speaks with her father in her dreams. Through symbols he warns her on what might actually be going on. Rachel is a beautiful star... but she is dead inside... she is a lie... just a bright light that you think is taking you somewhere, but there is a deadly emptiness to her. The point of astrology is that we protect into the stars whats is inside ourselves... all that beauty and goodness that Chloe saw in Rachel, truly was inside herself. But we also project our darkness... being a savior (and having her sun sign sitting into the sign of Piscis... the victim) Choe protected and saved Rachel... and did things for her that she probably wished somebody else would do for her. Lacking William and Max in her own life Chloe makes Rachel into this person she isn't, its all a projection. A starry dream.. and she lives that dream until Max comes back. To be someone who is "real" Chloe has a lot of problems listening to her own inner truth. For who is Rachel? "A destructive person. Someone who could never be satisfied by anyone or anything" (in the words of James) or " Fire is jealous Chloe, it wants all the beauty for itself, that's why you need to be careful" (in the words of William) In the end Rachel owes her life to both, Chloe and Frank... and what does she do? She fucks Frank, then she fucks Mark Jefferson... and thats it. She end's up dead in a dumpster. Which goes to probe she wasn't the untouchable light child she was raised to believe she was.

We are our roots, we do step into the same river twice and life does recycle back experiences, it isn't an irony that Rachel dies of an overdose. Every mother contains her daughter, and each daughter her mother. Nature works in mysterious, yet observable ways. We are our ancestors. The fact that Rachel seems to lack a free will and just walks into the destructive steps of her mother... just goes to show that you can run from your past, but you can't hide. Rachel probably never bonded with her mother, and her dismissal of the mother figure is shown when she only cares that "James lied" but doesn't really seem to take Rose into account... or even care for her.

I do not dismiss the idea that Rachel might have activated a course when she burned the tree. Rachel and Chloe are both essentially fatherless children, with the same ruthlessness that James would do anything to protect his daughter... does the storm destroy arcadia bay. The father (james) would literally kill the mother (sera) to protect the daughter (rachel) yet... in the turn of events it is mother nature who ends up bringing about order. I also think the game draws a big contrast in the topic "mother/father" there seems to be a big obsession with father (Chloe's father is dead, Rachel is the daughter of the DA, Nathan Prescott's dad is rich, Chloe's stepfather is an asshole.... etc) yet... what about mothers? What about Rose, Joyce, Sera... etc? I think the game characters are too centered on the father to even notice the role mothers are trying to play.

On Chloe: she will not be part of any club that accepts her as a member.... funny enough, some of the people in this game who are more blunt and outspoken we tend to think are assholes... yet we make exceptions for Chloe. Chloe constantly tells lies to her mother... maybe to protect her? and David, who also knows of lose (his best friend gets killed) so... is it really a coincidence that David end's up and Chloe's house... or do they have a similar energy that bind them together? There are people in this game who clearly care about Chloe: her mom, Elliot, even David. I was very saddened when I saw game players call Elliot a "psycho" and an "asshole" just because he tried to talk sense into Chloe... Chloe previously hooked up with Elliot, and even if forceful... I think Elliot did see Rachel for who she was. But what happens to the one's who do see the truth? they must walk away. Elliot SEES the truth and speaks it, so he can no longer stay in Arcadia Bay... therefore he exits the game. It was also funny to me that Rachel burns things, beats up Daemon with a piece of wood, smashes stuff...and in the other game Warren beats the shit out of Nathan Prescott and nobody says anything... yet Elliot pushes Chloe and breaks a snow globe and now he is a psycho.... right.

Everyone obsession to protect Rachel is almost sickening... yes, she might be sparkly and beautiful... but why wont anyone allow life to touch her? why is she so special she must be protected from everything? In the end, no matter if you tell her the truth or not, the result is the same... Rachel and Chloe stay in Arcadia Bay... which means that Rachel never truly meant to run away with her. They had 2 years to get away.

Chloe is with Rachel, the same way James was with Sera... protective, obsessive... never wanting to face the reality of the other person. Truth is painful as fuck... but it will only set you free if you allow it to do so. It takes a very strong soul to be real with someone... there is a difference between loving and relationships. Love is sacrificial, exciting, painful... even deadly. Relationship are a transaction. Sometimes they are based on truth, sometimes on lies. Everything has a currency and an explanation (if you want a perfect example on how to do relationships... look at Rose... the woman is perfectly put together, ready to negotiate, make excuses, be polite) make no mistake, there is a place in life for love, and there is also a place for relationships. The problem is when you confuse the two. The one difference here is that Chloe loves, and Rachel does relationships. Chloe sacrifices, Rachel manipulates. The currency here is that Rachel only care about having a father figure (which masculine Chloe would fulfill... until people like Frank and Jefferson come along) and Chloe wants a best friend and some real company (which Rachel would also fulfill.... but she'll never be Max or William).

The fact that somebody wants the truth does not mean they can handle it, the fact that you think you deserve love does not mean you have earned it. Like Sera said... after years of bad decisions... you just don't get to walk away into someone's life, you are going to live the consequences of your actions. I find that the honesty of Sera is very refreshing for a change.

I think game players would do good to stop making Rachel into this "entity" and see the game for what it is... a place in which (like real life) you can try your best, but it is nature and life's wisdom that has the upper hand.

and who really is the big bad wolf in this story? you tell me.

All credits to: Moon Seeea

I don’t agree with all he said, but it really opened my eyes.

I know that what he said is hella fucked up, but at some point mine amberprice heart brooke a little.

I love Rachel Amber, she’s probably the most developed character I have ever seen, and I know that she wasn’t just one thing, but this hitted me hard af, cause some part really made sense for me.

I’m hella sorry y’all.

#amberprice #max caulfield #rachel amber #chloe price #arcadia bay #life is strange #before the storm #pricefield #hella sorry #hella gay #lis #bts #frank bowers #mark jeffershit #joyce byers

[missdipsomaniac]

This is a funny thing to write , really. It’s quite not cute to write about your singleness is it? But i think I have enough good reason to blog about this season I’m currently at. And I hope this speaks plenty to the many still singles around.

The past few months, I was filled with thoughts of getting married. How could I not? most of my friends are getting engaged, getting married and getting pregnant. And dang, I’m in my late 20’s ! As compared to men, we can get frantically worried about building a family before hitting 30. As I can recall back when I was a little younger my age, I pictured and hoped to be married at the age of 28. Lo and behold, I am still single and no I dont consider myself exclusively dating-just yet.

The past few months I was having these thoughts were the same months I was being given attention by men one after another. From coffee invites to movie dates to just simple constant messaging on social media. I dont for the life of me consider myself a drop dead gorgeous woman. In fact, there are certain days I feel completely opposite. I don’t strike conversation ahead of them neither allow myself to do the first move no matter how attracted I may be to someone (the boldest thing I did was to add some men I admire on facebook). despite my somewhat old fashioned belief, to my surprise, some find me interesting-at least-probably. And honestly, just like any relational human being , I was finding it cute and uplifting.

So why am I still single despite few others expressing their desire to want to get to know me? I’d simply put it this way-which may be ambiguous but speaks affluent truth.. You see, I was no longer looking for a boy who’ll sweep me off my feet and make me giggle every time. I was no longer looking for mere sweet-somethings, I was looking or should I say, waiting for a man who may not have it all together but has the backbone to have to try.I was looking for a commitment, a partner and a help-meet. .I WANTED TO FEEL A CERTAIN CONNECTION. To date, I haven’t really felt it yet.

It’s not about having high standards really. Men would always box us in as if we placed ourselves too high on a pedestal we seem unreachable. LIE. Women’s standards are realistic and attainable. Men just dont have the balls to exert effort and see if they fit the bill. Much more, courage to endure if they don’t.

Connection. Why is connection important ? Tight Relationships are more likely to form and endure when couple shares the same ideas, values,desires, principles and interests and oh I dont mean to say we have to be the exact DNA of each other, no. We have to understand that a common ground has to be established. They say opposites attract but that didnt prove to be always true . Even scientific studies prove its unlikelihood. If I were an adventurous, outgoing , well rounded woman, what are the chances my relationship with someone who is a stay at home kind of person, introvert be of much success? I mean no offense to others whose relationship is a success despite being completely opposite because certainly, there are and there will but I was talking about the likelihood. Percentage and numbers on quite a few studies proved to be true -that successful relationships are those that share similarity more than the differences.

Waiting is gaining. Cliche as it may seem, singleness is a gift not everyone had a chance to enjoy. I cannot downplay this gift for this is where I found myself more productive, more purposeful, more knowledgeable, more independent and more mature. This season is riping me up for harvest (next season). It’s quite funny that the books I’ve been raving to read are books about marriage when I am not even in a relationship and no way near to it because apparently, no one has levelled up , to say the least. Nonetheless, it gives me so much wisdom I am sure to thank myself for having to know early on. Marriage is no walk in the park and just as news about divorce and annulments arise left and right, we may be quick to question if not get fearful about it. Surprisingly, even hollywood superstars are no exception. The couples we were rooting for ended up seperating their own ways. You see, money, fame, status and beauty cannot make a relationship work. It’s an uphill journey one must be willing to endure. There’s no specific formula nor a book who could offer a perfect relationship advice, really. But given the ample time to prepare and learn about it seemed to be more beneficial than having none. The waiting season has had smoothen my rough edges and more importantly, had me countless realizations on self discovery. There’s no greater joy than feeling happy on your own skin and being able to accomplish anything at your own pace and time. Sure, waiting is not as easy as cutting potatoes- it may be tedious, tiring and demotivating but having a positive perspective on its process makes a whole lot of difference.

What to do. Single hood is the season for cultivating yourself, your relationship with others and your relationship with God among others. This is the perfect time to hone your skills, to build community and to know God more deeply in a personal level. For self discovery, go travel, dine alone, watch a movie alone, read more books, attend trainings, hone your talents , learn to cook, do the laundry, volunteer to outreach events and anything in between you could think of to become productive. Build a strong relationship with the people around you specifically your family. Meet with friends, be present on family occasions, organize gatherings , socialize, be present. And above all, in whatever you do, include the Lord heartily. Engage in church activities, read your bible, be consistent with your devotions, join a ministry and share His love to others. There is no specific checklist really. How you make use of your time determines your priority. A productive , fulfilled and happy single life will most likely lead to a happy and fulfilled marriage too.

Who to choose. I’m no relationship guru and not trying to be one. I have had a fair share of relationship mishaps over the years. I saw the difference between a man who fears God and a man who doesn’t manifest a God in his life at all. It’s clear to me what kind of partner I’m looking for. Whether you are a man searching for the right fit or a woman waiting for the right one , pray for someone who loves God more than anything. Sure, Every person who marries is a sinner, so the search for a spouse isn’t a pursuit of perfection, but a mutually flawed pursuit of Jesus. If it scares him that I have a relationship with God, should it not scare me more to have someone in my life intimidated by what’s supposedly he should be looking for in a partner? When push comes to shove, will he stick with me after finding out we were not as “compatible” as we once before? Or will he marvel at God’s love and live it out in light of our differences? We gotta discern well.

Yes, society may pin down on our throats the urgency to get married but clearly, we should know better than them. Giving parts of our hearts to someone is a significant risk. We don’t really need to have our hearts broken, shattered and bruised to find what we’re looking for. Timing has been one of God’s little secret. Not too soon and not too late. I always remind myself of the verse from Habakkuk 2:3 “for the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.“

Yes, I may be single in my late twenties but that doesn’t make me any less of a woman. Im saving the best of me and not what’s left of me for my spouse.

[dawnsavant]

★ Denastien~

From snowflakes drifting on a playful breeze, to all the cold fury of a blizzard obscuring in frigid white, to serenity in a crystalline world of ice…

Denastien.

Andreo breathed a quiet sigh to himself. He had a knee propped to a table in the manor’s library. Sitting in a chair leaned back on two legs, he teetered himself back and forth in small rocking moments. He thumbed a pen from side to side, its end catching the light with a gleam.

What could he even say of Denastien?

★ Lord Denastien Dalendal 

I like you a whole lot and I might have to tell you that pretty much all the time.

I hate you  /  I dislike you  

I love you, Snowstorm. 

You are family, you are helping me feel like I even can reconnect with family, you are giving me a whole new family, and we are making ourselves into a family and how amazing is that. (Though I’m still not too terribly sorry for conspiring to murder one member of it in the past.)

I would take a bullet for you, with no questions or complaints, but please pamper me afterwards.

I would shoot you, but, uh, probably with one of those ridiculous training wands, or a water gun, or… I don’t know, if we needed to fake a death or something maybe.

I would lie to your face. I am not capable of lying to your face, or… in your general direction, oh, whatever. Also your face is pretty great, just so you know.

I would say something cruel to you on purpose, and I bet you’d like it, too.

I would say something cruel to you accidentally, because, you know, it’s an accident, and then I’d probably spend the next half an hour trying to make up for it.

 I would cheat on you. No. I tell you my interests.

I would physically hurt you, and I bet you’d like it, too.

You annoy me

You amuse me, pretty much endlessly. Probably getting laugh lines because of you, uhg. All your fault.

I’d laugh at you, but you know I never mean anything callous by it. If it truly offends, I will absolutely make certain to not do so again at that situation.

I’d laugh with you, and sun, I hope we always can find things to laugh about.

I’d manipulate you, and I bet you’d like it, too.

You scare me. It’s pretty great. It’s by far and large the good kind of scary. Even the scares that are not so great are fascinating and learning experiences. I also get scared for your sake, which is an interesting experience unto itself. 

You confuse me. I don’t think I’ve ever been too confused by you. Just a little miscommunication once in a while, but even then you are patient and have never balked at trying to find clarity.

I wish I knew you better, somehow?! I mean, I signed up for this. I am all in. I’m going to learn all of your weird secrets, man. Freckles in strange places? Childhood daydreams of wanting pets, or the name of that school instructor you hated growing up? I am THERE.

I trust you, implicitly.

I don’t trust you

You inspire me. You inspire me so much. Maybe not to frenetic periods of obsession and creation as I’ve suffered in the past, but on some level that I don’t know how to quantify or put into words properly. I know I tell you this every once in a while, but - light, you inspire me.

I consider you an equal in every regard, though our strengths, experience, and specializations may be different.

You are beneath me once in a while wink wink nudge nudge

You’re better than me. Strangely, I feel this deserves expanding upon in and of itself. I have idolized, grown limerent in regards to, and placed others upon pedestals in the past. After giving it some thought, I do not believe I fall into this pattern of behavior with you. Equal in every regard. I mean it, I am absolutely glad to have you beside me, rather than seeing one of us as better or worse than the other in some manner.

I would trust you with my life, and have plenty of times. Okay, there may be one exception to this. You know exactly what that situation is, and it so does not count, because even that thin line is very trusting and we’ve not made any major mistakes yet.

I think you’re mean, and I also think it’s equal parts hilarious - or prudent - in the situations where this is even applicable.

I think you’re pretty. Oh, light, and how. Delicate, eloquent, graceful, elegant. Ah, words. Singular descriptive words do no justice. A silken sash caught in a play of the breeze, shimmering as it catches the light. The bounce of shining curls as they fall just so after half a spin. The perfect jingle that bangles make as they slide down a slender forearm in a row. How it feels to watch a cat effortlessly leap from rooftop to wall with perfect precision and balance. Even these hardly feel evocative enough.

I think you’re petty, given the right circumstance and situation. But we had some pretty amazing conversations over some of the little things that we both get petty about, and I love it.

I think you’re childish. I think you go to some lengths to not have ‘childish moments’ as it were where most could see, but it’s absolutely wonderful when you let them slip through. There’s a… a… kind of enthusiasm and charm in these moments that is spectacular. I’m not going to forget playing in the snow, both real and imagined, nor some of the memories you’ve shared of your younger years.

I think you’re smart. In fact, I think you’re pretty damned smart. Smarter than anyone else, or even you, give yourself credit for sometimes. You’ve come up with some brilliant, creative spells and solutions, and I am absolutely convinced that you will do incredible things as time goes on and as inspirations come to you.

I think you’re stupid. Stupid hot maybe. Stupid smart. Stupid sexy. If I write this down where people can see it do I get a free kiss?

I think you’re a bad person.

I think you’re a good person. Maybe not always the nicest, nor the most altruistic, nor always patient with others. Maybe you have not always done so-called good things, even been outright cruel or destructive or harsh otherwise, and maybe we will continue to do some not so ‘good’ things, as it were. But you are a good person, and you are always trying to be better in some regard. That counts for so, so much. You’re good to me, too.

I’m not sure what kind of person you are

I wish you would listen to me. I mean, you do, but I want you to, too!

I want to make you proud. I hope I do, truly. I know I can be slow to act, and spend time overthinking or picking apart problems in excess, but… I hope I make you proud with what I do, how I have grown, how I handle myself, challenge and compliment you, and a host of other small details.

I want to impress you. With pretty much all of these things stated just previously, and, well. I want to surprise you, even when we’ve hardly any surprises left between us. I want to challenge you to new heights, inspire you, and frankly to be impressive alongside you.

I wish you would notice me. You do. But… I might do silly or sensuous things just to bask in stealing your attention.

I would hurt other people for you. Point me at the who and the when and I am THERE. Seriously. I’m a pretty healer priest: they’ll never see it coming.

I’m not sure how to make you happy. I think I have a pretty good handle on the kinds of things that bring you cheer, but if things need changing up over time, tell me!

I’m a bad influence on you, and I bet you like it, too. I readily confess to encouraging you on in manners and over matters which could be dangerous, under normal circumstances, for an average person.

You deserve better than me. Nah. I think you deserve better situations, and for your needs to be met whatever they may be, but I’m entirely intent to help you in any way I possibly can. If that includes other people who fit a niche or earn your adoration… we talk about it, yes? Yes.

We make a great team. Sun, I love working with you. Studying with you. Exploring with you. Figuring out how to move furniture with you. Fussing over flowerpots and lights. Working out little problems. Even the times where we see or want totally different things. You know, all that stuff.

I’d have a one night stand with you, and it’s like we might have had a whole year of them nigh-consecutively, or, you know, a whole lifetime of them. Is tomorrow good? And like all of next week? And–

I’d have a relationship with you. Fancy that. It sure would be nice. Be my friend, gorgeous?

I would marry you. Wait. Didn’t we… shit. Shit, this got real. I was even the one who proposed first. What the fuck. So much for my being absolutely, one hundred percent convinced I was ‘never doing that again’ right? Right. Now you’re stuck with me and my sense of humor.

I fantasize about our life together. It’s kind of corny to say it, but… true.

I would trust you with my most treasured belonging, and I have. Several of them in fact. I mean, an heirloom or two, some of those books are damned near priceless, and many of the things I’ve brought into the manor or placed in the vault have incredible amounts of sentimental value.

I would tell you my darkest secrets. If they come to mind, anyway. Pretty sure you know the lot, specific situations and bits and pieces of history that just haven’t come up in chatter aside. There’s nothing I am intentionally withholding anymore, that I can think of. I’ll always tell you about it if something comes to mind, though difficult memories may take a little coaxing.

You disgust me. With how good you make everything look.

You intimidate me, and I like it, too.

I hope I intimidate you. In the good way, anyway.

I’d hug you. I mean. This pretty much happens regardless. You’re getting hugged. You’ll never see it coming, I bet.

I’d let you hug me, I guess. If I have to. (Please hug me.)

I’m so very scared of losing you. It’s kind of existential crisis inducing.

I don’t think you like me

I want to be better for you. Frankly? I think I have been. You’ve helped foster an environment in which I feel as though I am thriving. And you’ve been growing. And we’ve both been doing… really well, all around, a few inescapable health and mental health issues aside for the both of us. Even those- we’ll be alright.

I respect you. 

I don’t respect you

You’re my mentor. This is an interesting one. I think we both can learn a great deal from each other. Similar but different approaches to learning, casting, problem solving… I’ve already picked up some good tricks from you.

You’re my friend.

You’re my best friend.

I have a crush on you. Sorry to admit it to you like this. Could we, uh… you know, go out for tea or coffee sometime, maybe? Talk things out? I should probably ‘fess up about this to you face to face.

I could easily watch you die. Well. Certain circumstances and states of mind considered. And… precious previous experiences, um. Only if I did it to you, very carefully, which would immediately be followed by resuscitation and incredible amounts of pampering for you while re-evaluating myself. Anything else and I think I’d panic, and throw a fit, and shake the world to her core and tear the light from the skies above to bring you back.

I’d get drunk with you. I don’t exactly remember everything that happened the last couple times, but hot da-amn, Denastien.

I’d party with you.

I’d comfort you. I will always try my very best.

I’d prank you. A little bit, anyway. I do not enjoy elaborate or mean-spirited pranks, but silliness and fun is nice

I’d spike your drink? Maybe. If we outlined acceptable circumstances and courses of action beforehand.

I’d act behind your back only in situations of extreme and dire need. I would much rather have you watching mine, however. Possibly also to try to get you a gift without giving you forewarning as to what it might be.

 I’d abandon you

I’d hurt you to get what I want, and I bet you’d like it, too. Only if this were an agreeable situation and we were open about it, honestly. Putting my self-interest above yours with no communication is no way to handle… anything. Balance is key

I would choose my happiness over yours  /  I would choose your happiness over mine  /  I despise how much I care for you

I need you.

I’m dependent on you. It… hm. This is rather true, but I think we operate well on our own. We can function apart without anxiety or shutting down. The context is more akin to ‘I do not want to be without you at any given time.’ The idea of co-dependence is a difficult thing to look at straight on, but… we are mutual, and we are equal, and should anything change this balance and how either of us feel, we can adjust and adapt as necessary. I do not think this is something unhealthy in how we currently interact.

I don’t know what I’d do without you. That is an unfortunate potential outcome of everything we face now, and… I’ve no answer, still. It is a daunting prospect.

I’m scared of you leaving me, in a manner of speaking. It is no fear that you will walk out.

I’d give my life for you. Maybe, if something dire and unexpected happened. I think we would both be far better served by ‘I would live for you’ rather than ‘I would die for you.’ Just as the thought of losing you mortifies me, I would not be so hypocritical as to think that you could any more easily suffer my loss.

You frustrate me, in the best of ways.

I’d call for you in a time of need. I want to put a booty call joke here to lighten the mood after some of those dour thoughts, butt a good one just isn’t coming to me.

I would will protect you, to the very best of my ability.

I’d visit you in hospital, I guess. I think I’d be more likely to doctor you in a less formal and much more comfortable setting if at all possible.

I’d carry you if you were hurt. Even if you’re not. It’s fun. In fact, maybe I’ll pick you up and walk off with you again sometime soon. Though, honestly, I would heal you, I would levitate you, I would do a great many things for you were you injured.

I’d feel guilty if I hurt you in some circumstances, at any rate. Unplanned, unexpected hurts. Emotional hurts. I do not want to do that to you.

I’d let you be near me when I am vulnerable, and I have. I am sorry if I’ve ever gotten snappish, or made you sad with my own sadness. I try to keep it under control because we resonate easily.

I’d ignore a phone call from you

I’d call you at 3am. I think I have, more or less.

I’d break you out of jail. Please don’t do anything to get yourself imprisoned anywhere.

I’d get angry at you. I think? Thus far, even in moments where we have disagreed or faltered in communication, I have never been anywhere near even remotely angry with you. I cannot imagine what would possibly set off such reaction, but I am capable. Perhaps… self-sacrificial or suicidal ideation, rude insults, or apathy and insultingly dismissive mannerisms. You have never shown such in my presence, however.

I would shout at you. / You’re too loud / You’re too quiet / You’re too sensitive / You can’t take a joke

You embarrass me … intentionally, privately, and with respect to not actually making me embarrass myself. I appreciate it. It’s fun. You are not, nor will you ever be, an embarrassment to me.

I feel nothing for you  /  You’re reckless

You’re bossy, sometimes. In the right moods. This is also something entirely amusing and enjoyable. It tends to work well with my moods more often than not.

You bore me. No. I do not get bored. I especially do not get bored with people. We are infinitely changing.

I would ask your advice. I appreciate the perspectives you bring me.

I would blame you for something I did, in entirely playful manners. In any serious regard, however? No.

I would cry in your arms. And all over the bed. And make absolutely certain I cry on your pillow and get it good and gross. Sorry not sorry. I’ll give you my pillow after, though. 

You have the power to hurt me more than anyone else. This is true; we choose those who are capable of hurting us. I am open and honest with you. I share what I have with you. What you think of me and what you choose to do with this information can greatly impact my state of mind, if not my life. Though I would not word this as you have ‘power’ over me, so much as this is an integral part and parcel of sharing myself with you. Conversely, I will never use what I know of you to intentionally do you emotional harm. This seems a silly bit of wording.

Now, things I find sorely lacking from this list: You make me a better person. You make me WANT to be a better person. I enjoy your company. I appreciate the things you do for me, and the time you give me.

Thank you so much for everything thus far.

@denastien / @arhenadoesart

#prompts #long post #The Frozen Lord #The Dawn Priest #Mannerisms #in character writing

[tigerlover16-uk]

You and all the other people that enjoy anything about dragon ball super disgust me. You fake fans are enabling the ruination of Dragon Ball and you should all hate yourselves for DARING to think that garbage is as good as DBZ. Pathetic shill. You and all the other worthless, spoilt, brain dead scum need to get off the internet and stop worshipping garbage.

(Insert gif of Frieza sipping his wine)

I’ve left this and the other angry ask insulting me for liking Goku sitting around in my ask box for a while now, because I honestly didn’t have the energy or patience to deal with this nonsense at the time you left it here, and after that I just didn’t think an obvious troll was worth giving the time of day. But you know, whatever, I’m up for it right now.

First off, way to be ableist with the brain dead scum comment, that and all the comments about how us fans who like Super should hate ourselves make you sound VERY reasonable and intellectually superior. Bravo, good chap.

Second… explain how I’m a shill who “Worships” Super? True, I’m more positive about it than some people on this site, but that’s because I don’t really care to complain about the flaws in things I enjoy when I could instead be having fun with them. If it’s something I hate, like GT or the DCEU movies before Wonder Woman, then oh boy I’ll be harsh if I have to talk about them, but I do prefer to avoid talking about them lately unless I’m directly asked.

I’m not a person that cares for discourse. The times I do get involved I often end up saying stupid things and don’t handle it well, so I prefer to maintain a “look on the bright side attitude” where I can involving the things I like. And that includes Super. I think there’s honestly more than enough negativity directed at it by the vocal minority of fans who dislike the series already, so I don’t think I need to bother chiming in complaints when there are others who could do that, and I can instead be having fun and gushing about the things it does right (And yes, I believe it does plenty more right than bad).

But that doesn’t mean I think it’s perfect. I’ve been honest about the fact that the show is flawed plenty of times and I’m not afraid to comment on them where I have to. The animation in the second half of the Resurrection F arc was HORRIBLE. Majin Buu, even if I loved the fight with Basil and the fit Buu thing, has been shafted way too many times and it’s getting really annoying. Gohan’s character arc is progressing really well this saga, but it’s been annoyingly stretched out and inconsistent before that. And the ending to the Future Trunks saga, while I don’t find it irredeemably awful like some, was still nonsense.

I acknowledge that the show has flaws. It’s just that for the most part, I actually think the show is really fun to watch and does a lot of good things, and many of it’s issues have been ironed out over time especially with the current saga, and I think it still has a ton of potential going forward. So I just prefer to wait and see what comes next and enjoy myself now.

So I don’t let the flaws ruin Super for me, any more than I let the flaws with Z or the original Dragon Ball take away my love for those shows. Heck, if I did I would have cut my rewatch of og Dragon Ball last year short the minute I got to the horrific homophobia that was General Blue, the misogynistic gay pedophile drawn to look like a Nazi (Still the worst thing the franchise has ever done, by the way).

I think Dragon Ball Super is a good show, that does a lot of good worldbuilding, tells some fun stories, gives some interesting development to several of it’s characters like Krillin and Gohan, is usually very funny, has tons of adorable and touching moments, and while it’s action’s not as good as Z’s, it does have some great memorable fights here and there.

It’s not as good as Z, but I never expected it to be. Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z were a masterpiece, the kind of on the job miracle that only happens once in a lifetime, you can never fully recreate everything that made it so magical. And you don’t need to as long as you make something else that’s enjoyable in it’s own right with the property. I’m just glad I finally get to see more of these wonderful characters and this universe I love so much. And for now I’m pretty satisfied with that.

So no, pal, I’m not an entitled shill. That would require I put the show on a pedestal and declare it God’s gift to Dragon Ball while beating down any criticisms I find with unintelligible whinging. And clearly I don’t. I don’t agree with all the criticisms the show gets, but while I’ve occasionally said something stupid but then immediately apologized (Something I don’t expect from you at this point if you bother to read this anon), I don’t have an issue with people personally not enjoying it. Heck, I’m a guy who thinks Batman is an uninteresting character and the Dark Knight Movies were boring and awful, while liking the Star Wars Prequels more than the original trilogy, which I find just okay. We all have different tastes and opinions, who am I to judge.

You know what would make me a spoilt, entitled scumbag? Telling the people I disagree with that they’re worthless, disgusting fake fans and they should hate themselves for having the AUDACITY to like a fictional show! And trying to chase those people off the internet with petty ramblings in their personal space just so you don’t have to hear opinions you don’t like (Man, I’d hate to see how you react to political debates).

Also, how is Super “Ruining” Dragon Ball? Here’s the thing pal… Dragon Ball had a complete story. The manga is the only definitive canon in this franchise, and it ended two decades ago. The actual, classic story of Dragon Ball is complete, any other works based on it, whether people choose to view them as canon or not, are supplementary at best. It’s not actually possible to truly “Ruin” the franchise.

If anything, Super has helped in keeping the franchise from falling into relative obscurity, considering how in the latter half of the last decade Dragon Ball in general outside of it’s fandom (And in some cases, IN it’s own fandom) had become a bit of a laughing stock among much of the anime fandom and the internet. It’s been down to Kai, the Xenoverse games and other spin offs, the two Toriyama penned movies and yeah, even Super that the franchise has started getting more recognition again and more support. They’ve brought in new fans, and brought back many lapsed and casual fans.

And yes, that’s come with it’s own share of problems, particularly on the fandom side of things. But TFS is FAR more responsible for creating the toxic atmosphere of much of the modern Dragon Ball fandom, the toxic underbelly of which had been growing larger for years before Super debuted, so I don’t think it’s fair to blame Super specifically for the fandoms current state when at worst it’s responsible for bringing back a flood of casuals who absentmindedly buy into fandom stereotypes a little too heavily. The current atmosphere of the fandom would have been largely as bad whatever the quality or kind of new show we got.

So no, I don’t think Super has “Ruined” the franchise any more than GT did years ago. Anyone who wants to argue that Super ruined Dragon Ball for them as a whole is either being melodramatic, taking it too seriously, or maybe even never cared about Dragon Ball beyond being a casual fan in the first place.

I mean, I still love Spider-man even despite the abomination that is One More Day, and I’m still watching Boruto despite hating the majority of Naruto Shippuden with a burning passion. And I didn’t let GT lessen my love for the Dragon Ball franchise in the slightest, if anything it just made me appreciate the stuff I love about it instead a lot more.

If anything is ruining the Dragon Ball franchise for people, it’s jerks like you who feel the need to attack and insult people for liking stuff about it that you don’t. You’re no better than the scummy anons who harass the Gochi fans on here, or the people who constantly lie about, demonize and demean Goku’s character to prop up and shill other characters like Vegeta and Piccolo, when it’s completely unnecessary and stupid to try and undermine other characters to prop up others who are already great on their own.

It’s okay if you don’t like the show. I’m sorry if you feel it’s somehow ruining Dragon ball for YOU specifically, and I encourage you to go back and watch the previous series to remember WHY you like Dragon Ball so much. But buddy… NOTHING gives you the right to act like a ravenous jerka## to the people who DO enjoy it. Screw off with that elitist, childish nonsense and grow the (Bleep) up, child!!

This goes to EVERYONE who’s feeling even the slightest bit resentful to the people who are having fun with Super, or any other base breaking series connected to a franchise a lot of people like (Did I mention I prefer the 3D era Sonic games to the genesis classics? Oh boy, do I not get along with the Sonic fandom). You not liking it doesn’t make you superior to other people, nor does it make you objectively right while everyone else is just a moronic fake fan. to heck with that line of thinking.

I could go on, but it’s late and I’m tired and you’re not worth any more effort than I’ve already spent here, anon. Don’t bother coming back into my inbox with this nonsense unless you want to do the mature, adult thing (Assuming you’re an adult, and not a kid) and apologize. Good night.

#dragon ball super #dragon ball #dragon ball z #dragon ball gt #dragon ball franchise #stupid anons #trolls #I hope I don't get a flood of angry comments and hate messages for any of this #whatever I can take it

[engelhexe]

Discernment: About navigating through spiritual minefields

by Taygeta, seelenliebe.wordpress.com

June 30, 2015 01:07

By Christina Lavers, guest writer for Wake Up World; translated by Taygeta

There is so much spiritual information of varying quality floating around that it is a huge challenge, especially for people who are just beginning to wake up and connect with the spiritual aspects of life, to distinguish the real pearls from the trash.

So I decided to put together some tips with information on this subject that I found along my spiritual journey. I am sharing it here in the hope of being able to help others to move safely through the spiritual minefield ’on their way.

Of course, there are many great teachers and teachings out there ... but finding them is a matter of discernment.

'Advocate of Light'

These are representatives who propagate the focus on light and love. Your words of love sound true and make us feel warm and vague. Your messages are full of hope and positivity. They encourage the seeker to strive to become light and love and also to reject negativity. However, these teachings spread a castrated version of spirituality. Your exercises give the seeker a sense of wellbeing and the feeling of participating in something profound without causing a true, deep transformation.

The problem with this is that while these teachers say a lot that is true, they hide half of the picture. Balance is crucial for healthy mental development. While it's great to celebrate the beautiful and light aspects of being, it's also important to explore and integrate the dark aspects of yourself. If the darkness is ignored or repelled, then these aspects remain unresolved and continue to burden us on an unconscious level. Only through the integration of our own darkness can we become truly realized beings who are reflections of the whole.

,You are special'

There is no doubt that we are all very special, each person in his or her own individual, unique way, and being aware of this with all the negative programming in our world is an essential step on our way. However, there are different ways that this awareness can develop. If information is of such a nature that the emphasis on our individuality feeds our ego, then it can be problematic. Some of the teachings offered to us give the seeker the feeling of belonging to a special, spiritual elite club: "You are the brave, the brave, the special ...". This information addresses the wounded, misunderstood aspect of personality. When that aspect feels 'seen' and celebrated, then it gets inflated a little ... and it feels good.

Instead of feeling like a strange outsider, we begin to see ourselves as the chosen one; we no longer perceive ourselves as strange, but as extraordinary. However, this "bloating" is not real growth. Such information could lead to the fact that by distancing ourselves from the feeling of inferiority we immediately switch to a feeling of superiority, that is, we only move to the other side of the same coin.

True healing and humility occurs when both sides are recognized and integrated. By agreeing to both our strengths and weaknesses, we can operate from a solid foundation of integrity and authenticity.

'The arrogant teacher'

This is a person who makes the seeker feel that spiritual wisdom is only available to the few who have the ability to grasp the concepts supported by the appropriate leader-person. The spirituality they promote is tangled and has an elitist taste. These people are masters at defending their position - not because they are right, but because they have mastered the art of manipulating information to serve their own benefit. Often times, these types of teachers use their knowledge to stand above their followers by trying to make them feel inadequate. As we struggle with our own values, we may be inclined to believe that these teachers know the secret we need, and that strict adherence to their teachings will eventually reveal it to us.

In reality, spirituality is very simple and accessible to everyone: the answers lie within all of us. An important aspect of the spiritual journey is the process of realizing where and to whom we have given our power and how we can regain our own authority. One of the basic qualities of a spiritually advanced person is to have a highly developed capacity for empathy and compassion. This does not mean that you have to slip into a "victim role" or try to save everyone. Rather, they realize that everyone is divine and able to find their own path, but that they also understand the difficulties of the journey and let their hearts be touched by the plight of others. The more developed they are, the more they feel their deep connection to everyone and everything.

,The hero'

This is someone who presents themselves as perfect and infallible. These people tend to have a strong focus on self-promotion and enjoy the limelight. They love to showcase their amazing qualities and skills. If these people make mistakes, it is not theirs; they try to shift the blame or stories ’’ to explain away ’the mistake.

In general, these people are not worth listening to because they speak and act from an ego perspective. The ego loves to stand on a pedestal, in the center of attention, and hates it when weaknesses come to light. The problem is that the information that comes from such people is usually presented in a way that fades the truth into the background in favor of promoting and sustaining a heroic role for the person.

Our society teaches us to hide our vulnerabilities. But the ability to be vulnerable is one of the most difficult and important qualities a seeker must develop. Being able to show oneself vulnerable is a crucial key to being authentic. If you cannot show yourself to be vulnerable where necessary, then it may be necessary to manipulate the truth to prevent any cracks from showing up. Those who cannot show themselves to be vulnerable cannot remain honest and authentic all the time.

'The Messianic Guru'

This is one of the most dangerous teachers and is probably more common than one might think. There is a point on the path of spiritual development where the seeker becomes aware of his godliness and the fact that the whole universe revolves around him. When he integrates this deep truth holistically, the seeker understands that everything is only a question of perspective, and rejoices in the deep beauty and magic of the fact that we are all expressions of the divine and thus also have the ability to reach that deeper point touch where we all meet. We are literally the center of the universe each seen from our own unique perspective.

The messianic guru has realized his / her divinity, but not yet from a perspective that shows the whole picture. This person believes that they are “One” and that they have a “special” relationship with God / the universe. Sometimes this is blatantly expressed in their teaching, in other cases it can be much more discreet. However, even if such a person keeps his own belief to himself, there is usually enough evidence that can be recognized by a discerning observer.

Because the distorted convictions of the “teachers” often only show themselves subtly in the subliminal agenda, there is a risk that the seeker receives little support in discovering his own divinity.

Speaker with the message "You are coming soon to save us ..."

This is someone who claims to "speak in the name of ..." or to be the conduit for a "higher being" who will come to save us. I have found a lot of excellent material in channelings that claim to come from non-human entities. But there is also a mountain of seedy material. A common characteristic of shady information is that it appeals to the victim mentality. “You poor being, your life has been so difficult; there are such terrible beings who are so powerful that you have no chance of escaping their grip ... but don't worry, we are coming to save you ... soon. Very soon we will bend down to you and put everything in order so that you will soon be living in a new paradise. Keep reading our messages ... keep believing us and trust in US, we assure you salvation «just around the corner». "

This type of material is dangerous because it in some way surrounds the seeker with a false hope and does nothing to encourage his self-exploration and inner growth. It supports a feeling of helplessness in the seeker, supports the victim mentality and induces the seeker to hand over his power to an external force. The focus on a 'soon' means that the seeker focuses on the future and not on the now, where our real strength lies.

'The representatives of tribulation and gloom'

These are teachers who appeal to the 'inner violence' junkies. These guys are the ones who are shouting one gloomy forecast after another on the net all the time. This type of information is often called "fear-porn" because it is a bit like watching a horror movie. It's dangerous and exciting, can be addicting, and most importantly, it's scary. Too much immersion in this information can make us 'race for the hills' (which doesn't have to be bad in itself), can make us want to learn a martial art (which doesn't need to be a bad thing either), and can make us want our neighbors Let them be viewed with suspicion (which is probably not a good thing).

Fear is the great inhibitor of spiritual development. The more fear we have, the more we close ourselves to growth and change. If we focus too much on the fearful aspects of life we ​​become tense and unbalanced and we may forget to nourish the beautiful, magical areas of our lives. The more energy we allow fear, the greater its presence in our reality, the more the beauty in our life shrinks. The seeker can be left with an overwhelming sense of disillusionment and hopelessness. One of the reasons this path is so crippling is that there are many fear-inducing situations that are beyond our control, that there is little we can do to change the circumstances that are emerging on the global stage.

When we learn to acknowledge the reality that is going on in our midst and make the conscious decision to shift our focus away from fear to what we can positively influence, then we enable real transformation that benefits the whole. While the size of the individual's sphere of influence varies, we all have access to one of the strongest leverage points for change - ourselves. Because we are all connected, healing ourselves has a powerful impact on the collective unconscious, and the more light we get bring into this long-neglected arena, the more light we will see reflected in our external reality.

We all have the opportunity to positively influence our surroundings through ourselves. Be it a plant, our family or our community, there is much around us that we can nurture with love and influence with our own unique talents.

'My way is an expressway'

These are the teachers who believe that they have found "the true way" or it has been shown to them. These teachers try to convince the seeker that they, and they alone, hold the key to their salvation. The teachings of these people are often valued because if their path is the right path then everyone else must be wrong.

In order to follow such a teacher the seeker is often forced to sacrifice something. The first thing is usually some money for a book or a workshop in which a ’part’ of the mystery of the ’true path’ is revealed. The second and unsettling thing that the seeker must sacrifice is the power of direction.

Usually it is the wounded aspect of a seeker that is attracted to this type of teacher. It is the aspect of not having enough confidence in one's own ability to find one's own path. But this is one of the most important aspects of the spiritual journey: discovering and celebrating our own uniqueness and allowing others to do the same.

The further the seeker progresses on the path, the more he is able to shake off the false, socially constructed aspects of his personality and connect with his true, unique inner self.

There is no right or wrong on the spiritual path. Different people learn different things in different ways at different times. What works well for one person may not work for another.

The key points to remember:

Anything that requires us to read a certain book, listen to certain music, or sign a certain philosophy should probably be discarded. Of course there are great things ‘out there’ that help us on our way ... but even if certain things can help us, there is still no must ’on the spiritual path.

Anything that tells us that the answer is outside of ourselves has to raise a huge red flag!

Anything that leaves us with a strong sense of despair is probably best avoided.

Anything that just makes us feel good without encouraging in-depth work is probably a waste of time.

Anything that promotes the idolization of a leader is potentially dangerous for development.

By Christina Lavers, guest writer for Wake Up World; translated by Taygeta

There is so much spiritual information of varying quality floating around that it is a huge challenge, especially for people who are just beginning to wake up and connect with the spiritual aspects of life, to distinguish the real pearls from the trash.

So I decided to put together some tips with information on this topic that I found along my spiritual journey. I am sharing it here in the hope of being able to help others to move safely through the spiritual minefield ’on their way.

Of course there are many great teachers and teachings out there ... but finding them is a matter of discernment.

'Advocate of Light'

These are representatives who propagate the focus on light and love. Your words of love sound true and make us feel warm and vague. Your messages are full of hope and positivity. They encourage the seeker to strive to become light and love and also to reject negativity. However, these teachings spread a castrated version of spirituality. Your exercises give the seeker a sense of wellbeing and the feeling of participating in something profound without causing a true, deep transformation.

The problem with this is that while these teachers say a lot that is true, they block out half of the picture. Balance is crucial for healthy mental development. While it's great to celebrate the beautiful and light aspects of being, it's also important to explore and integrate the dark aspects of yourself. If the darkness is ignored or repelled, then these aspects remain unresolved and continue to burden us on an unconscious level. Only through the integration of our own darkness can we become truly realized beings who are reflections of the whole.

,You are special'

There is no doubt that we are all very special, each person in his or her own individual, unique way, and to be aware of this with all the negative programming in our world is an essential step on our way. However, there are different ways that this awareness can develop. If information is of such a nature that the emphasis on our individuality feeds our ego, then it can be problematic. Some of the teachings offered to us give the seeker the feeling of belonging to a special, spiritual elite club: "You are the brave, the brave, the special ...". This information addresses the wounded, misunderstood aspect of personality. When that aspect feels 'seen' and celebrated, then it gets inflated a little ... and it feels good.

Instead of feeling like a strange outsider, we begin to see ourselves as chosen ones; we no longer perceive ourselves as strange, but as extraordinary. However, this "bloating" is not real growth. Such information could lead to the fact that by distancing ourselves from the feeling of inferiority we immediately switch to a feeling of superiority, that is, we only move to the other side of the same coin.

True healing and humility occurs when both sides are recognized and integrated. By agreeing to both our strengths and weaknesses, we can operate from a solid foundation of integrity and authenticity.

'The arrogant teacher'

This is a person who makes the seeker feel that spiritual wisdom is only available to the few who have the ability to grasp the concepts supported by the appropriate leader-person. The spirituality they promote is muddled and has an elitist taste. These people are masters at defending their position - not because they are right, but because they have mastered the art of manipulating information to serve their own benefit. Often times, these types of teachers use their knowledge to stand above their followers by trying to make them feel inadequate. As we struggle with our own values, we may be inclined to believe that these teachers know the secret we need, and that strict adherence to their teachings will eventually reveal it to us.

In reality, spirituality is very simple and accessible to everyone: the answers lie within us all. An important aspect of the spiritual journey is the process of realizing where and to whom we have given our power and how we can regain our own authority. One of the basic qualities of a spiritually advanced person is to have a highly developed capacity for empathy and compassion. This does not mean that you have to slip into a "victim role" or try to save everyone. Rather, they realize that everyone is divine and able to find their own path, but that they also understand the difficulties of the journey and let their hearts be touched by the plight of others. The more developed they are, the more they feel their deep connection to everyone and everything.

,The hero'

This is someone who presents themselves as perfect and infallible. These people tend to have a strong focus on self-promotion and enjoy the limelight. They love to showcase their amazing qualities and skills. If these people make mistakes, it is not theirs; they try to shift the blame or stories ’’ to explain away ’the mistake.

In general, these people are not worth listening to because they speak and act from an ego perspective. The ego loves to stand on a pedestal, in the center of attention, and hates it when weaknesses come to light. The problem is that the information that comes from such persons is usually presented in such a way that the truth takes a backseat in favor of promoting and sustaining a heroic role of the person.

Our society teaches us to hide our vulnerabilities. But the ability to be vulnerable is one of the most difficult and important qualities a seeker must develop. Being able to show oneself vulnerable is a crucial key to being authentic. If you cannot show yourself to be vulnerable where necessary, then it may be necessary to manipulate the truth to prevent any cracks from showing up. Those who cannot show themselves to be vulnerable cannot remain honest and authentic all the time.

'The Messianic Guru'

This is one of the most dangerous teachers and is probably more common than one might think. There is a point on the path of spiritual development where the seeker becomes aware of his godliness and the fact that the whole universe revolves around him. When he integrates this deep truth holistically, the seeker understands that everything is only a question of perspective, and rejoices in the deep beauty and magic of the fact that we are all expressions of the divine and thus also have the ability to reach that deeper point touch where we all meet. We are literally the center of the universe each seen from our own unique perspective.

The messianic guru has recognized his / her divinity, but not yet from a perspective that shows the whole picture. This person believes that they are “One” and that they have a “special” relationship with God / the universe. Sometimes this is blatantly expressed in their teaching, in other cases it can be much more discreet. However, even if such a person keeps his own belief to himself, there is usually enough evidence that can be recognized by a discerning observer.

Because the distorted convictions of the “teachers” often only show themselves subtly in the subliminal agenda, there is a risk that the seeker receives little support in discovering his own divinity.

Speaker with the message "You are coming soon to save us ..."

This is someone who claims to "speak in the name of ..." or to be the conduit for a "higher being" who will come to save us. I have found a lot of excellent material in channelings that claim to come from non-human entities. But there is also a mountain of seedy material. A common characteristic of shady information is that it appeals to the victim mentality. “You poor being, your life has been so difficult; there are such terrible beings who are so powerful that you have no chance of escaping their grip ... but don't worry, we are coming to save you ... soon. Very soon we will bend down to you and put everything in order so that you will soon be living in a new paradise. Keep reading our messages… keep believing us and trust in US, we assure you salvation «just around the corner». "

This type of material is dangerous because it in some way surrounds the seeker with a false hope and does nothing to encourage self-exploration and inner growth. It supports a feeling of helplessness in the seeker, supports the victim mentality and induces the seeker to hand over his power to an external force. The focus on a 'soon' has the consequence that the seeker concentrates on the future and not on the now, where our real strength lies.

'The representatives of tribulation and gloom'

These are teachers who appeal to the 'inner violence' junkies. These guys are the ones who are shouting one gloomy forecast after another on the net all the time. This type of information is often called "fear-porn" because it is a bit like watching a horror movie. It's dangerous and exciting, can be addicting, and most importantly, it's scary. Too much immersion in this information can make us 'race for the hills' (which doesn't have to be bad in itself), can make us want to learn a martial art (which doesn't need to be a bad thing either), and can make us want our neighbors Let them be viewed with suspicion (which is probably not a good thing).

Fear is the great inhibitor of spiritual development. The more fear we have, the more we close ourselves to growth and change. If we focus too much on the fearful aspects of life we ​​become tense and unbalanced, and we may forget to nourish the beautiful, magical areas of our lives. The more energy we allow fear, the greater its presence in our reality, the more the beauty in our life shrinks. The seeker can be left with an overwhelming sense of disillusionment and hopelessness. One of the reasons this path is so debilitating is that there are many fear-inducing situations that are beyond our control, that there is little we can do to change the circumstances that are emerging on the global stage.

When we learn to acknowledge the reality that is going on in our midst and make the conscious decision to shift our focus away from fear to what we can positively influence, then we enable real transformation that benefits the whole. While the size of the individual's sphere of influence varies, we all have access to one of the strongest leverage points of change - ourselves. Because we are all connected, healing ourselves has a powerful impact on the collective unconscious, and the more light we get bring into this long-neglected arena, the more light we will see reflected in our external reality.

We all have the opportunity to positively influence our surroundings through ourselves. Be it a plant, our family or our community, there is much around us that we can nurture with love and influence with our own unique talents.

'My way is an expressway'

These are the teachers who believe that they have found "the true way" or it has been shown to them. These teachers try to convince the seeker that they and they alone hold the key to their salvation. The teachings of these people are often valued because if their path is the right path then everyone else must be wrong.

In order to follow such a teacher the seeker is often forced to sacrifice something. The first thing is usually some money for a book or a workshop in which a ’part’ of the mystery of the ’true path’ is revealed. The second and unsettling thing that the seeker must sacrifice is the power of direction.

Usually it is the wounded aspect of a seeker that is drawn to this type of teacher. It is the aspect of not having enough confidence in one's own ability to find one's own path. But this is one of the most important aspects of the spiritual journey: discovering and celebrating our own uniqueness and allowing others to do the same.

The further the seeker progresses on the path, the more he is able to shake off the false, socially constructed aspects of his personality and connect with his true, unique inner self.

There is no right or wrong on the spiritual path. Different people learn different things in different ways at different times. What works well for one person may not work for another.

The key points to remember:

Anything that requires us to read a particular book, listen to particular music, or sign a particular philosophy should probably be discarded. Of course there are great things ‘out there’ that help us on our way ... but even if certain things can help us, there is still no must ’on the spiritual path.

Anything that tells us the answer is outside of ourselves has to raise a huge red flag!

Anything that leaves us with a strong sense of despair is probably best avoided.

[relationshipadviser-blog]

Bad Marriages & Family Relationships (Church, Jan 27, 2019)

New Post has been published on https://relationshipqia.com/trending/bad-marriages-family-relationships-church-jan-27-2019/

Bad Marriages & Family Relationships (Church, Jan 27, 2019)

NOTE: The first minute-and-a-half of the video is silent — Jesse’s mic was muted before we officially started!

We dealt with a middle-aged man going through divorce, a woman not on the same page with her fiancé, overcoming issues without suffering, anger, beta males, Slender Man, and Iyanla!

Middle-aged man going through divorce

A man talked about dealing with a divorce. His wife still pushes his buttons, whereas he thought he had peace. Jesse advised him: Don’t live in your thoughts, and don’t judge yourself. She complained that he didn’t cherish her, even though he tried to put her first. So Jesse urged him: Never cherish a woman, because she will see you as a weak man. He called it an “emotion trap.” Just allow yourself to grow.

This man wants to date, because he feels lonely and wants companionship. But Jesse tells him: You’re not lonely for a woman; you’re lonely for God, for perfect peace. At age 63, this man still wants to have sex! Sex is not love! His grown daughter and adult children should not want him to get with another woman. It won’t make him happy, but miserable.

Woman is not on same page with fiancé

A woman disagrees with Jesse about nearly everything, including sex not bringing happiness. Jesse asks: What’s the purpose of marriage if not for having children and a family? Your sex will get old, and then the man will go out and cheat. Instead, date and wait 7 years with no sex before marrying. Her fiancé seems just to want the sex, seeing marriage as a way to claim, “That’s my booty.” They see a counselor, but that won’t work. The woman believes that everyone has their own truth, but human beings don’t have truth. They get caught up in emotions and do wrong.

Overcoming issues without suffering

Jesse asked his Biblical Question of the Week this past week: Is there a way to overcome your issues without suffering? Various people answered. Jesse says yes, absolutely. In the light you can see all things, but you must let the anger go. In your fallen state you suffer. For example, ladies should stop trying to change men. You cannot even change your children!

Slender Man horror story

Jesse brought up a report he watched on TV yesterday about a fictional character named Slender Man. Children read about Slender Man and try to summon him, and carry out crazy acts. Three girls in Wisconsin went into the woods; two of them named their victim Bella before trying to stab her to death — believing they did the bidding of Slender Man. Psychologists and lawyers attempted to say they only had issues with their brains. But they’re possessed — medication will not solve a spiritual problem!

Satan wants you more than God does! All of this is spiritual.

Iyanla can’t fix your life!

Jesse also told about seeing an episode of “Iyanla, Fix My Life,” by this woman Iyanla Vanzant. A mother told her daughters that their father raped them when they were children. But it was all lies — Iyanla rightly had them take a lie detector test, and it came out that the mother lied! Unfortunately, the mother never admitted to lying, and Iyanla did not press her to admit she was wrong! Iyanla also told the father that he did not have to forgive the mother, which is not true. He and the daughters should forgive the mother, and then have nothing to do with her — she’s evil! The mother has so much hatred for the father, such that she’s willing to destroy the children to get back at him.

It’s a spiritual battle of good versus evil. Forgive your parents, especially your mother, and your father for being weak. We all have done dumb things, such as have sex out of wedlock, become violent, or not defended ourselves when we should. Some men have been hit by women, and because of false societal expectations, did not defend themselves!

Overcome your anger. It’s wrong to be emotionally attached to others. Don’t hate your fellowman. Men, the world needs you, but men try to please women more than they try to please God! They do this because they have not overcome “mama” and they want sex.

Super Chat donations and questions

One man asked about dealing with gossip at work. Never trust a gossip, and do not allow a person to gossip. And never trust an angry person — their nature is of Satan, and they will turn on you.

Another person asked what it means to pray and watch.

New York passes evil pro-abortion law

Jesse talked about the new pro-abortion law passed in New York by a black woman Andrea Stewart-Cousins. Abortion is evil, and everyone knows it’s wrong, but they make excuses. But Jesse says: I don’t blame the evil people for doing evil; I blame the good people for allowing it to happen. Greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world. Perfect love casts out fear.

“It’s ok to be white!”

In this country, it’s okay to be black, Indian, brown, whatever, but it’s not okay to be white! Jesse admonishes one man not to be silent, but to speak up even in class: Don’t let “education” be more important than what’s right. Don’t be afraid to speak up.

Jesse told the story of Travis, a producer for The Fallen State, wearing a T-shirt that said something like “white and proud.” He shouted, “White power!” at the end of the Women’s March in Los Angeles, and all the people surrounded him like demons to attack him. But people can be any other race, and it’s no problem!

Some people discussed the Catholic school students whom the media smeared, including Nick Sandmann who smiled in front of the American Indian activist.

Whites are under attack, because most whites are afraid. With fear, you will be destroyed. Overcome fear by overcoming anger. Start standing up to evil. God is with us!

A man talked about attending “Blexit” event — blacks and Latinos leaving the Democrat Party. One speaker said we should put women on pedestals, to which this man and some friends shouted, “Beta!” And it stopped the crowd from cheering the speaker! This man said that many conservatives are also beta males and RINOs.

No leaders!

The people did not have many questions, but just came to listen. So Jesse urged them: Don’t have leaders! Come with questions. Then afterward, people start talking about their knowledge. But instead, be slow to speak, and start living it!

One man asked about anger: In Colossians 3: 8, it says to put it away, whereas other verses seem to be okay with anger. But Jesse says that the Bible has been tampered with according to the times — one version says, “Our Father and Mother which art in heaven…” so you know that’s wrong! The word of God is written in your heart. Anger is a judgmental nature. So just live. Just be.

Go and forgive your mother!

One man believes that his issue is with his father, and that he loves his mother. But his fiancée says the root is with his mother. Another lady, their friend, approached her mother about having given her pot at age 12! But she’s still afraid of her mother, because she told her mother, “Jesse wanted me to ask you…” instead of asking for herself! The ladies talk about their “strong moms” who hated them.

Do not put too much meaning into dreams. If God wants you to know something, He will reveal it to you and make it clear. You won’t have to wonder.

Do the Silent Prayer no matter what. Get to know yourself, love what’s right. The world attacks good people, because they are afraid of good. Millennial men seem like half-men, half-women, because they are afraid. Let anger go. Forgive your mothers for setting you up, and then playing the “victim.”

SILENT PRAYER: http://silentprayer.video | AUDIO https://soundcloud.com/rebuildingtheman/silent-prayer CHURCH Sunday 11am PT (1pm CT / 2pm ET) http://rebuildingtheman.com/church

BOOKS http://www.bondinfostore.org DONATE http://rebuildingtheman.com/donate

The post Bad Marriages & Family Relationships (Church, Jan 27, 2019) appeared first on Rebuilding the Man.

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Bad Marriages & Family Relationships (Church, Jan 27, 2019)

[halofriendly]

Listen all the way through

What I learned from my dad’s record collection

After conditioning us to buy with a click, and read on a screen, Amazon is opening brick-and-mortar stores, where we can touch paper books with all our digits. Mega brand Giant Bicycles is trying an online platform that requires pick-up at your local bike shop, from a real person with grease under his fingernails. And while I just ripped all my old CDs onto my computer, Urban Outfitters is now selling turntables and vinyl to a generation that grew up with smartphones and streaming. The more we gain on perfection, it seems, the more we revolt against it.

I grew up with vinyl, except back then, we just called them records. Our family even joined one of those 6-albums-for-a-penny record clubs once, and we each got to pick one for ourselves. I chose ABBA, and played Chiquitita over and over again, which required lifting and resetting the tone arm on the still-spinning record, a triumph of fine motor dexterity. Maybe this is why we mostly listened to albums in their entirety, in the sequence in which they were intended (and why, in my mind, Queen’s We Are the Champions must always follow We Will Rock You). In my teens, I would also acquire INXS, RATT and AC/DC, apparently faithful to bands with four-letter names. But it’s not my record collection I remember so much as my dad’s.

At six feet four, with a Tom Selleck moustache that predates today’s hipster facial hair fetish, my dad is what you might call the strong, silent type. For many years, he smoked a tobacco pipe, and would pause while speaking to take quiet puffs of Borkum Riff, while we all waited patiently for him to resume his story. As long as I can remember, he’s had music playing, in his home near Seattle, at his cabin in the Methow Valley, in the car in between—and not just in the background. He consumes his music like a good bourbon. And in a way, it consumes him: one minute, his mood might reflect the world-weary melancholy of Madeleine Peyroux, and the next, the laddish exuberance of Buddy Holly. From a young age, I’ve been fascinated with my dad’s music, as a way to eavesdrop on his world, the way a child might eavesdrop on the party going late downstairs.

When I was little, I’d lie on the living room carpet (which always smelled strongly of dog and faintly of nicotine), as bass notes vibrated the foam faces of my dad’s homemade oak speakers, and study the album covers. My early childhood was scored by Chicago X, which I probably remember best because the cover looked like a foil-wrapped candy bar, and, well, I was into candy bars; Creedence Gold, whose four silhouetted profiles opened in die-cut succession; Simon & Garfunkel’s Greatest Hits, with Paul’s newsboy cap barely containing a broad triangle of hair, and Art straining to get out from behind it; Around the World With Three Dog Night and its psychedelic hot air balloons; Bette Midler howling down the microphone on The Rose; the anatomical joke I didn’t get until 40 years later on Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours; and A Star is Born, depicting a rapturous Barbra Streisand melting before Kris Kristofferson, naked.

Flipping through my dad’s records was like flipping through my grandma’s Spanish-language Cosmo magazines: these were peep holes to another world, a mysterious world, a grown-up world. And while I could memorize the lyrics, I couldn’t understand them. At that young age, metaphor was, thankfully, lost on me. The Rose was about a flower. Queen Bee was about bugs. Life in the Fast Lane was about driving the family Pinto down the left lane of I-5.

My dad especially loved the Eagles, and I still remember the Navajo bird and pocked paper of On the Border, the elaborately embossed cow skull and eagle wings of One of These Nights, the eerie glow of Hotel California, and the disappointingly sober aesthetic of The Long Run. Twenty years later, as I embarked on a soul-searching road trip around the U.S., my dad put Desperado on a cassette tape for me, and I swear I could smell musty cardboard and warm vinyl every time I pushed play.      

Life and music get more complicated as we get older. My parents divorced. Hell, my grandparents divorced. And my own heart lost some elasticity from repeatedly swelling with each new love, and contracting with each new loss. In those once-innocent songs, I could now hear desire, regret, jealousy, disappointment, loneliness. To hear those hidden messages, you don’t even have to play the record backwards; you just have to play your life backwards.

I don’t remember ever fighting with my dad, but somewhere along the way he fell off his pedestal, like I suppose every parent must eventually. It’s possible, actually, that I pushed him off. I moved from Seattle to Bend, started my own family, and cast a critical eye northward: My dad could be quick to condemn people’s politics or religion or driving, and slow to emerge from a sullen mood. But what upset me most was seeing these things in myself.

* * *

Last summer, my dad developed cancer in his bladder and in his one remaining kidney (the other having been removed ten years prior). During a biopsy procedure, he went into kidney failure, and I made an urgent trip from Bend to Seattle to see him in the hospital. There he was, all six-feet-four of him crumpled into a tiny bed, barely covered by the faded tie-in-back gown, his face flecked with days-old stubble and ashen with days-old worry. The little room was overwhelmed by the constant interruptions of nurses, doctors, dietitians, housekeeping staff, kitchen staff, siblings, and daughters, and he met each one with respectful attention, cheerful accommodation, and honestly more grace than I’d ever given him credit for. Later, while my dad slept, his wife conferred with his providers, my oldest sister sat vigil in the corner, grading fourth-grade homework under her itty-bitty book light, my middle sister and stepsister sent their love from far away, and my mom flooded us with heart emojis. At that moment, my dad’s only flaw was his mortality.

And anyway, isn’t there something about our flaws that’s not just acceptable, but also essential? My dad and I are a lot alike: we both feel deeply, which often makes us impatient, indignant, and insufferable, but which also makes us compassionate, thoughtful, and creative. We will both die some day, which makes us everything.

We all have a side A and a side B, and each requires the other.

My dad’s moustache is white now, and he looks like his late father. His back curves a bit more each year, and has gradually brought his eyes closer to mine. His record collection is long gone, and I admit my heart broke a little when I found out. They were artifacts of our family history—scratches, skips, warps and all—a history you can’t hear in a digital file, can’t feel on a jewel case. My own children won’t have my artifacts, either. There’s actually a built-in CD rack in our circa-1980s house, but it’s empty. A smartphone is plugged into the receiver, and gives us anything we want, and then takes it away again.

To be continued.

#family #aging #cancer #the eagles

[trishgibsontx]

unconscious projection, at its worst: what it looks like

photo by Nelson N. Castillo

unconscious projection is something that I see everywhere: a person, with unmanaged, unacknowledged — hence UNCONSCIOUS — experiences > issues, applying and assigning that unconscious debris to another person or persons.

the first rule of unconscious projection is that we are only as sick as our secrets. whatever we hide, manifests in our unconscious and projects onto the outside world — typically a person who has absolutely nothing to do with our actual debris, but an easy target for that debris. this way, we do not have to actually deal with our debris (false).

I once had a friend, she was a new friend, for maybe about a year. this was a number of years ago. she was living a complete lie, in every sense of the word. but, she had fooled herself enough, to the point where she felt “safe” around me in the beginning. basically, she thought she could hide her truth from me. while I am far from perfect, I put myself — wholly — “out there”. at first, people will often confuse my authenticity with kindness or weakness. it is neither: I am simply willing to be who I am, even if it hurts or makes me vulnerable. vulnerability is a key point to finding personal power, and so few people in my experience understand that. anyway, back to the friend. as she got to know me, and saw how deeply and openly I lived in my truth, her truth aka unconscious mind began to peek its head out. her truth was not something she was willing to contend with on ANY level. she used psychic studies and woo-woo crap to “cover up” her fake romantic relationship, her lack of any social connection or close personal relationships, and her actual intentions with others. as I was still making strides in my ability to spot sickness (if we are taught to run TOWARD sickness, or sick people, we will do it until we die a million deaths over it and finally stop), it took me a bit to see how her unconscious territory manifested itself over and over again. as time went on, as physics would suggest, we were two different energies trying to share space (any space: emotional, cognitive, physical, or energetic), and that does not work: the more aligned energy will have to drop to match the unaligned energy, since energy flows from top to bottom. as I reached healthier and healthier places within my own unconscious field, I literally could not support her density. of course, I did not see it that way though. I went bumbling along, trying to maintain the sick friendship. I began to notice her erratic and inconsistent and — passive aggressive — behavior with me. it did hurt. it will always hurt when we are nothing but kind to another human, and that is not only not reciprocated but used against us in some way. however, I was really out of the zone of internalizing much of those kinds of things anymore, thankfully, so there was no opportunity for me to partake in her sick unconscious (some were absolutely conscious) games with me. what was happening, on a psychological level, is that I was unwittingly reflecting back her inauthenticity, just by being myself. since she was not honest with herself, I became the easiest “target” for her unconscious debris. when she could not provoke me with her inconsistent (and quite frankly, spiteful passive aggressive) behavior, such as inviting friends of MINE places and leaving me out in a really conniving fashion, she decided to ghost on me. but here is the kicker: she decided that I had ghosted her, and played victim! let me point out, for starters, that this friendship in the first place ONLY worked when I reached out to her. if I did not reach out, we would simply not talk. which ultimately became the case. which, by that point, was just fine with me. she had taken all that she could from me anyhow, and could not live in truth. very simple conversations that seemed to trigger any truth in her would leave me with the silent treatment for days on end. that said, I was her greatest projection screen ever! and, historically, she had actually done this with every single female friend prior: she had built them up, put them on pedestals, and when shit got real (as in she actually had to be transparent and honest with herself because that is what close relationships/friendships require!), her unconscious created a sick backstory and decided that I was all of the things that SHE was in her unconscious field.

thankfully I have not had a personal facebook account in a long time, because it is full of people vomiting their unconscious territory: we are in a prime/perfect time and opportunity for this to occur! whatever it is that we have not dealt with, or will not deal with, we will find projection screens for it. until…we really hit a rock bottom and have no one new left to blame. then, the cycle continues. or not. we are living in one of the most active blame-game eras I could ever imagine seeing at this point in time. people are literally going out of their way to find any scapegoat they can, to not deal with the debris that they can not access. but the thing is, the debris isn’t going anywhere: it is piling and piling and piling.

so, what can we do for ourselves and for the collective as it relates to our individual unconscious territory? for my part, I attend therapy consistently. to be honest, it’s not a whole lot of what I do not already know, but having an objective and clinical individual with decades of experience support me in monitoring my own barometer is freedom. I NEVER want to be like the behavior I describe in this post. it is one of my worst fears. each day, I take personal inventory and make a list of my 1) thoughts 2) feelings 3) words and 4) actions. I ask myself if the 4 things align, or not. if not, then where/why am I lying to myself? what am I gaining from that (or not)? am I willing to give up one of my psychological or otherwise “coping” mechanisms?

how do we know if we are lying to ourselves? 1) we feel like shit. we will spiral around and around, feeling like shit, and looking for desperate ways to escape the shitty feelings. we will blame other people who have nothing to do with our core issues, but make for fantastic projection screens for those issues. if we are not self-accountable, we will simply repeat the same patterns over and over again because we refuse to take self-inventory. 2) we repeat the same patterns over and over again. for example, I’ve had to ask myself, why I am so attracted to helping sick or broken people (in my personal life, mainly). I discovered that part of my child self — this is in the UNCONSCIOUS territory — still feels guilty and indebted to helping sick or crazy people in general. what ends up happening is I become a target for their un-owned and unconscious sickness. one of my handlers recently said to me: “you can not do this anymore. you can not hire or help people who are supposed to be helping you”. there are great examples of people running empires who need people like that around them constantly, because there is something stuck in their unconscious field (like mine) that is vulnerable and needs work. I hope, one day, to be more aware of my pattern of attracting sick people and wanting to fully renovate them when, in fact, they do not want to ever be healthy. I’m actively working hard on this pattern. and I am happy to make myself vulnerable right here in this post by saying it. it is what it is. thankfully, with regard to my actual consulting and healing work, my unconscious territory rarely rears its ugly head. there is no way that I would be working at the level that I am, with some very regulated and powerful people, if I were to be in an unconscious state there. and, actually the more powerful and successful the person is whom I work with, the less opportunity I find for my unconscious mind bringing in even a shred of my old/ceasing pattern. 3) we desire to blame other people. when we blame other people, we give up our power to change. this is different from holding people accountable and moving on. big, big difference. blame is active and ongoing. accountability is decisive and allows for us to evolve. 4) we dislike someone “for no reason”. enough said.

as we observe others around us, especially in this day and age, we can so easily see who lives in a state of non-stop unconscious projection: there has never been a better time to observe sick people. they are the online trolls, the blamers, the dwellers, the debate-obsessed, the chronic complainers, those with active addictions that they have no intention of properly fixing because it soothes their sense of unconscious reality. of course each of us unconsciously projects, somehow, somewhere, and at some point. but the point is: how do we manage ourselves and look within to move forward without injuring others in the process because we are too weak to address ourSELVES?

our current climate illustrates a complete collapse of time and space. you may want to consult Neil deGrasse Tyson on this one! what this looks like and feels like, is every piece of ourselves — past, present and future — coming up for *review and integration*. the past is not the past. it is the present, AND the future. unfortunately, or fortunately, that is NOT up for debate with the universe at this point of our planet’s position in the galaxy.

    The post unconscious projection, at its worst: what it looks like appeared first on The Medical Intuitive Blog: Energy Medicine & Reiki Therapy By Elaine™.

from Trisha Gibson http://www.themedicalintuitiveblog.com/2017/06/19/unconscious-projection-worst-looks-like/

[dorothyd89]

You Are Flawed. And So Are Your Heroes.

My friend Mike was orphaned before he really got to know his parents.

Fortunately, he was was adopted and raised by a loving family. They didn’t have much, but they did whatever they could to provide for him. Despite growing up with these amazing people, Mike always felt like he didn’t belong.

He did what he could to hide his real feelings: that he’d never belong, that he’d always BE on the outside looking in, that nobody really appreciated him.

You see, the real version of Mike, the part he locked away inside, would terrify others. So he kept it bottled up and put on this act that everything is cool when inside he was deeply conflicted. I was fortunate enough to get to spend quality time with Mike, get to know him for who he really was, and I learned to accept all parts of him.

My other friend Jimmy is also an orphan surprisingly, though his path has been drastically different from Mike’s.

You see, Jimmy was born rich. Like, Scrooge McDuck rich. He WAS old enough to remember his parent’s accidental deaths, and it crushed him.  Although all of Jimmy’s needs were taken care of (thank you, life insurance policy), this environment and upbringing created some challenges.

I’ve known Jimmy for years, and it’s been tough to watch him work through layer up on layer of destructive, obsessive, rageaholic behavior.

Like many of us, Jimmy’s been searching for meaning his entire life – everything else has been handed to him, and it’s left him unfulfilled. Who could blame him? So he needs more, thinking this will fill the hole in his heart, at all times.

Despite all the money, and toys, and attractive women, and success, there’s one thing he’ll never have:

Enough.

He is hurting internally, and yet he feels like he can’t share this with anybody. After all, nobody wants to hear about the problems a very wealthy, good looking person has, right? “Those problems aren’t real! Try not being able to put food on the table for your family!”

I’ve known both Mike and Jimmy since I was a little kid, and have grown up with them.

Two orphans with tragic lives, two very different upbringings, and real internal pain and shame that they feel they can’t share with anybody.

These tales might sound vaguely familiar to you.

You see, Mike’s real name is Clark. Clark Kent. Better known as Superman.

And Jimmy? That’s Bruce Wayne. Better known as Batman.

Superheroes are flawed. That’s what makes them interesting.

We all have superheroes that we love and relate closely to.

Have you noticed something about the best characters? The ones that are written so convincingly that we can’t help to become deeply invested in them as people?

They have critical flaws and tons of baggage that often sabotage their own efforts. Although they are superhuman, they are – with the exception of Superman – human.

And that’s what makes them interesting.

Every superhero that’s worth a damn has a strong character flaw or weakness. Superman’s weakness is kryptonite, sure. But really it’s that he will always feel like an outsider and feels an overwhelming obsession to save people who don’t appreciate or understand him. Batman’s weakness is the fact that he’ll never be good enough, never sacrifice enough, and never save enough people. Enough is never enough.

Let’s go across the aisle to Marvel, and we’ll find similarly flawed characters in Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Tony Stark’s Iron Man. These guys’ flaws are very plain to see, and it’s what makes us love them. Hell, even squeaky clean Captain America only really became interesting when he was rewritten with some edge and… gasp… flaws!

How about female heroes like Black Widow? Natasha Romanoff was raised and trained as a freaking assassin and will spend the rest of her existence trying to right the wrongs of her past.

We love these flawed superheroes, because it makes them relatable, vulnerable, and REAL. It gives them an identity; as readers of comics or viewers of a movie, we get to look inside these people and know that they feel real pain too, and we see parts of ourselves in them.

We accept two things:

These superheroes are fictional characters.

There are parts of them I can relate to and learn from.

We accept these characters for who they are, and know that their flaws don’t define them but in fact, have shaped them into who they are.

Why, then, don’t we do this with our real-life heroes and ourselves?

Our heroes have flaws too

Are you familiar with the term “feet of clay?”

It’s an old term that refers to the construction of a statue – no matter what the statue is made out of (gold, silver, etc) or how well it’s reinforced… if the statue has a flaw like clay feet, it’ll still topple over just the same when pushed.

In psychology terms, it’s a term used to describe when we meet our heroes and realize, despite an otherwise impressive statue, that just like us, at their base they’re flawed and imperfect. Although we accept flaws and chinks in the armor of our favorite superheroes, we are told “don’t meet your (real life) heroes”. Why? Because that’s when we’ll learn that they don’t live up to the impossibly high standards we have set for them – leading to disappointment.

But I would argue that meeting your heroes and learning they’re human is significantly more valuable than continuing to put them on a pedestal and assuming they’re perfect.

When we compare ourselves to the idealized, public facing versions of our heroes – be they a celebrity, a blogger, sports star, or writer – we feel like they’re so special and that we’re incapable of doing what they’ve done.

Wrong. Our heroes are just like our superheroes! They’re people with flaws and baggage and anxiety, and that’s what makes them both relatable and interesting.

It also means that we can learn from them. They ARE us.

Let me share an example from my own life:

Tim Ferriss, 4x New York Times best-selling author, podcast genius, and the guy who pretty much owned the term “life hacking” is known by many as one of the most productive and successful people on the planet. You might have heard one of Tim’s podcast episodes or read The Four Hour Workweek (which was the impetus for me starting Nerd Fitness), and told yourself enviously, “I wish I could be like Tim” or “I wish I had Tim’s life.”

I have said to this myself many times over the past decade.

You see, I had created a superhero version of Tim in my head that wasn’t accurate – I didn’t have the full picture. It wasn’t until I read Tim’s posts like “Some Practical Thoughts on Suicide” and “Productivity Tricks for the Neurotic, Manic-Depressive, and Crazy (Like Me)” that I could see Tim for who he really was: a dude who had been thrust into the spotlight, doing his best to deal with it while helping as many people as possible, and he’s also dealing with a lot of shit that most people aren’t aware of.

I know this was incredibly difficult for Tim to share publicly, and I applaud him for it – I bet many were disappointed that the man they aspire to be didn’t “have it all”.

I bet even more had a different thought, however: “Oh shit, you mean he doesn’t live a perfectly structured life every day? That he TOO has days where he can’t get out of bed and struggles with vulnerability and anxiety and imposter syndrome? Me too!”  

I had conversation recently with my friend Mark Manson, who writes and runs an absolutely fantastic blog at MarkManson.net – he’s also the best-selling author of incredible “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***.” He has a MASSIVE following (millions), has sold hundreds of thousands of copies of his book, and I can only imagine the amount of hero worship he gets on a daily basis. Mark told me about a guy who wanted to interview him for his “morning productivity hacks,” assuming Mark was superhuman and that his perfectly structured routines led to his success. Mark’s story made me laugh:

“Well, I wake up between 9 or 10AM, because I was up late playing Overwatch. And then I lie in bed and check Facebook and my email. Then I sit down at my computer, drink a Redbull and mess around and then try to get some meaningful work done. Sometimes it happens. A lot of the time it doesn’t.”

Your heroes don’t succeed because they don’t have flaws. They succeed in spite of their flaws, or BECAUSE of their “flaws”. I’m thankful to Mark and Tim for opening the door and showing people that their lives aren’t flawless – that they too are real people who sometimes have bad or unproductive days.

The point I’m trying to make is this: Your heroes are not perfect robots. They have messed-up lives, crippling anxiety, depression, and baggage, just like you. And they have found a way to move forward and achieve their goals.

The more we can look honestly at our heroes and realize they’re just like us, the more we have to look internally at our own flaws and own them…and then succeed in spite of them:

That “supermom” with 4 kids who stays in shape? She has flaws too and succeeds despite dealing with a formerly abusive husband and a fear of abandonment.

That guy at the gym you wish you looked like? He hates his home life and is hiding behind steroids and another set of bench presses to find his happiness.

That author who you wish you could be like? He’s a recovering alcoholic and writes to heal the pain in his heart from a lost child.

We all have baggage. Our superheroes. Our heroes. And ourselves.

Welcome to the club!

Unpack your Baggage: Guilt vs Shame

Brene Brown, vulnerability expert, author, and courageous woman whose TED talk has been viewed 28 million times, has become known for a very important topic:

The difference between guilt and shame.

When we eat bad food (or binge watch TV, or date a revolving door of men/women, or drink a case of beer, or pop a few pills) to escape, when we hide behind a mask of anger, lash out, or retreat further into isolation… it’s oftentimes due to shame and not knowing how to deal with it. As we’re unpacking our personal baggage and taking ownership of it, our reaction will fall into one of those two categories (guilt and shame).

One is significantly more constructive than the other.

In her words:

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is, “I am bad.” Guilt is, “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?”

How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake.

Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.

Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. Here’s what you even need to know more: Guilt is inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we’ve done, or failed to do, up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s adaptive.

Whatever has happened to you in the past; whether it was something you did or something that was done to you, please understand the difference between guilt and shame – apply your thoughts to the action, not your identity:

“I ate an entire pizza today and sabotaged my diet this weekend. I am a failure and a waste of space.” = shame. Not healthy.

“I ate an entire pizza today and sabotaged my diet this weekend. I can’t believe I did that. That was stupid of me.” = guilt. Healthy (though still painful).

Guilt can be constructive and uncomfortable, while shame can be destructive and cause us serious damage. When we’re shameful of our behavior, it can cause us to feel even more shame, and thus seek more quick fixes, or avoid the problem, or sink even deeper into a hole, which we then get ashamed of as well.

It’s a horrible feedback loop that we can get stuck in.

Remember, flaws are nothing to run away from or harbor shame for. Our heroes are flawed, and that makes them human.

So are you. And so am I.

Let’s own it.

I want you to say this to yourself: “No matter what I’ve done up to this point, I am deserving of love and happiness. I am NOT a lost cause. I will hit roadblocks and struggles and challenges, and make mistakes and screw up and do stupid things. I can forgive myself for those things, and move on from them. My heroes are flawed and broken, and so am I. If they can succeed, so can I.”  

Become your biggest fan. And then get to work by taking responsibility.

Take responsibility for your baggage

Just as we can forgive ourselves for actions we’ve taken, judgment-free and shame-free, we can take ownership of our baggage too. Just like our heroes, we must succeed despite our flaws and issues.

One of the articles I’m most proud of writing is about “Personal Responsibility,” the most important trait somebody can develop if they want to start living a better life.

Yes. The baggage that you carry around might be AWFUL:

You might have really unhealthy parents who taught you sugar was a food group.

You might have been in terrible, abusive relationships.

You might have been abandoned by one parent or both.

You might have been screwed out of a job you deserved.

You might have a horrible physical ailment or mental illness that is genetic.

You might have been born in a certain country, of a certain sex, or into a certain religion, that you didn’t choose and have struggled in today’s society as a result of.

Many of these things might not be your fault. Like Bruce or Clark, we are raised in a certain way and don’t get to pick our parents or our upbringing or the tragedies that have befallen us. We’re products of our environment and upbringing and genetics, and it all mixes together in a really weird way.

These things can cause us to feel shame about our place in life, retreating inward, lashing outward, and feeling like a victim or martyr who is doomed to stay stuck because ‘my problem is unique and unsolvable.’ We look for somebody to blame, and we assume our heroes are only where they are because they don’t have the problems we do. And so, we don’t take action, because “we can’t fix it” … the problem is somewhere else.

If you’ve spent any time on the internet lately, you know that victimhood of any kind is IN!

It’s where the money is. Controversy and outrage put asses in seats and bring traffic, page views, and advertising dollars. We’re constantly being reinforced and taught that anything in our life that offends us is somebody else’s problem (shame on them).

It’s that tiny voice in our head that is screaming (and being rewarded): “THEY NEED TO KNOW THEY HAVE OFFENDED ME. I FEEL WRONGED. WE MUST PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE. IT’S NOT OUR FAULT.”

I don’t say this to make light of the real challenges many have faced, but rather highlight a growing epidemic that freezes us from taking action and improving our situation.

When the voices in people’s heads telling them “I am a victim” is being nurtured and reinforced, when every article or post is an opportunity to be offended and outraged, and when we’re lashing out because we are offended (for ourselves or others), it’s minimizing the impact and help needed for people who truly are victims and need help.

Now, readers of this blog get offended at me all the time and have NO problem chastising me! Telling people to move more, eat less, find more time in the day, build systems to set oneself up for success, prioritizing health, and minimizing distractions seems fairly straightforward and inoffensive.  

After all, these people chose to come to Nerd Fitness most likely because they’re looking for guidance on fixing part of their lives.

Regardless, we ALWAYS have people who rush to tell us how insulting the article was: they can’t change because of ___. And sure, they have a darn good reason or a serious problem they’re dealing with! But they’re choosing to be offended and insulted by our words while the other 99% of the population is choosing to say “okay, how can I apply this to my situation?”

All change comes from recognizing something we didn’t see before, and then changing our behavior because of this new insight. When we choose to see the world with this outrage/victim lens, we’re essentially solidifying the idea to ourselves that: There’s nothing I’m not seeing, there’s nothing I can do differently, the problem is somebody else’s. It does not apply to me.

Instead of CHOOSING this mentality, we need to take ownership for everything that has happened to us, both good and bad. This is a radical departure and a serious challenge that flies in the face of prevailing society these days.

The truth is this: you already have all of the tools you need to succeed/lose weight/make meaningful changes in your life.

That might be painful to read. That tiny voice in your head probably just yelled at me. If you can not react to that voice, and instead look at the situation without judgment, you can also decide that you don’t need anybody’s permission to change your mindset or your situation.

After all, the fact that you’re reading this means you are one of the luckiest individuals to exist in human history.

No, not the fact you are reading THIS article (I’m just a nerd who writes about Star Wars and push-ups in his underwear), but the fact that you exist in this year, 2017, with access to a computer and internet and modern marvels.

Life is AMAZING.

You don’t live in a cave! You have access to electricity! You most likely will not be eaten by a lion tomorrow! Or the next day!

The next part sucks, but it’s essential for growth: When you stop being outraged and assuming your problems are unique, and instead go: “Okay, this is the chaos I’m dealing with. What can I do about it?” you give yourself permission to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and take ownership.

There is somebody out there with your problems who has the life you want. This is great news. This is when change can happen.

You have everything you need to succeed already.

Accepting responsibility is tough as hell, because the alternative is WAY easier!

If we tell ourselves we’re a lost cause at getting in shape, it makes it easier to sit on the couch, play video games, and eat pizza.

If we tell ourselves that there are no good men or women to date, it makes it easier for us to justify not trying or potentially getting hurt, not being social, suffering through a lot of bad first dates, and instead sitting at home on a Friday. 

If we tell ourselves there are no good jobs out there, it makes it easier for us to blame Obama/Trump, the economy, and stay on unemployment or living with our parents and stop sending out resumes.

Did one of those sentences above made you angry? Maybe even… outraged? That little voice is saying, “HOW DARE YOU STEVE. You’re wrong because [reason I’ve been telling myself for years].

We tell ourselves these stories to stay safe and stay in our comfortable misery. We get offended so that we can pass responsibility onto others and justify inaction or failure.  

As I said before, it might not be your fault that something has happened to you, but it’s time to realize that it’s your responsibility to deal with it. Mark Manson said it best in his book:

“a baby showing up on your doorstep certainly isn’t your fault, but suddenly it’s your responsibility to deal with it.”

What if you lived life as if everything was your responsibility to deal with?

I recently had a conversation with a long-time member of the Nerd Fitness community. He let me know that he was disappointed in Nerd Fitness, because after four years he was still unhealthy and overweight because I hadn’t written anything that had inspired him to change yet.

I knew the guy well enough and replied, “Hey man, we all have baggage. You’ve been waiting around for four years and nothing I’ve written has motivated you to change…maybe we’re not the problem? You have all the tools you need and a supportive community. Have you given yourself permission to take responsibility for your success? What specific action are you taking today to improve yourself?”

He got very mad at me and told me off, only to email back a month later with a “You’re right. I know what I need to do, and I’ve been using my medical condition as an excuse. I’m going to take a more active role in my health.”

Bruce Wayne didn’t choose to have his parents killed. Neither did Clark Kent. Natasha Romanoff was brainwashed at a very young age to become an assassin, and she has to atone for that for the rest of her life.

You probably didn’t choose to have [very real problem] or [genetic condition] or [serious obstacle] or [life altering challenge] happen.

But if you stop being outraged, stop deciding you’re a victim, and instead operate under the philosophy that your life as it is right now is 100% your responsibility to deal with, that you are not owed ANYTHING, then you can also realize that you already have EVERYTHING you need to take action on the problem.

I’m already prepared for responses from people who skim this article, with their defensive shields already up, saying things like: “Steve this is very insulting and you don’t understand, because you are [blank] and [blank] and [age]. Shame on you, and I’m offended because [this reason] and [this reason] and you can’t possibly know what I’m going through. I can’t [lose weight/change/get out of this relationship/eat better] because [valid reason].”

These are often the people with the most to gain if they realize they have ALL the tools (and the responsibility) to start dealing with it RIGHT NOW. That many people have succeeded in similar situations as them. That their problems are not unique. Which means it IS solvable.

If this sounds like you, stop taking pride in your baggage, stop proudly being the victim/martyr subconsciously. Instead of indignant, outraged, and unhappy, be responsible.

It’s what our heroes do.  

We all have flaws. We all also have super powers.

Here in the Nerd Fitness Rebellion, we are all disasters. We all feel shame. We all feel guilty.

We are all broken.

Welcome to the island of misfit toys.

Like any motley collection of superheroes, we all have baggage that keeps things interesting. At the same time, just like the X-men, or the Avengers, or the Justice League… along with those flaws we also have superpowers.

Things we can do that nobody else can. Things that we’re better at than others without thinking about it. It might be compassion, empathy, humor, or inclusiveness. It might be a knack for a certain skill or aptitude. Things that if we spent more time focused on, it would make our lives better and the world will be better.

Regardless of how many bags you’ve packed to come here, welcome!

This is a community where you get to be yourself, where you can learn the difference between shame and guilt, and it’s okay to be vulnerable while you work through your shit.

We forgive ourselves.

We know we’re human and that no action we take is something that permanently defines us. Like any superhero, our journey is long and winding, and we have to find our way through the darkness.

We also accept personal responsibility for our place in life and our future.

It might not be our fault where we are right now, but it’s our responsibility to deal with. We choose to not get offended and not to use that to be a victim or martyr. We know that everything is written to offend or to make people feel like victims, and we’re going to stop letting this rule us.

We choose to allocate our brain power to better things.

If this article made you offended and angry and you want to yell me at me for not understanding your particular situation because I’m A, B, and C and you’re X, Y, and Z, no worries! Take a break. We’ll be here if you change your mind in the future.

If you’re ready, willing, and able to accept responsibility, judgment free, for where you are in life…

Welcome to the Rebellion.

You have what you need. You don’t need somebody else’s permission to start. You can choose to stop being a victim. You can be your own hero. And we’re here to support you on that journey. You can solve your own problems, and we’ll be your sidekick cast of supporting heroes ready to step up at every turn.

If you’re in, I’d love to hear from you below:

What’s one thing you’ve felt shame over that you can re-attribute to non-judgmental guilt: “I did that thing. I can work on that.”

What’s one thing you’ve felt victimized by in the past that has kept you prisoner, and how can you accept responsibility for dealing with it?

What is your superpower? What’s something that you do really, really freaking well? That you can succeed with despite the other parts of you?  

-Steve

###

Photo: Daniel Kulinski: Crack, Miguel Discart: Hero Shelf

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[dorothyd89]

You Are Flawed. And So Are Your Heroes.

My friend Mike was orphaned before he really got to know his parents.

Fortunately, he was was adopted and raised by a loving family. They didn’t have much, but they did whatever they could to provide for him. Despite growing up with these amazing people, Mike always felt like he didn’t belong.

He did what he could to hide his real feelings: that he’d never belong, that he’d always BE on the outside looking in, that nobody really appreciated him.

You see, the real version of Mike, the part he locked away inside, would terrify others. So he kept it bottled up and put on this act that everything is cool when inside he was deeply conflicted. I was fortunate enough to get to spend quality time with Mike, get to know him for who he really was, and I learned to accept all parts of him.

My other friend Jimmy is also an orphan surprisingly, though his path has been drastically different from Mike’s.

You see, Jimmy was born rich. Like, Scrooge McDuck rich. He WAS old enough to remember his parent’s accidental deaths, and it crushed him.  Although all of Jimmy’s needs were taken care of (thank you, life insurance policy), this environment and upbringing created some challenges.

I’ve known Jimmy for years, and it’s been tough to watch him work through layer up on layer of destructive, obsessive, rageaholic behavior.

Like many of us, Jimmy’s been searching for meaning his entire life – everything else has been handed to him, and it’s left him unfulfilled. Who could blame him? So he needs more, thinking this will fill the hole in his heart, at all times.

Despite all the money, and toys, and attractive women, and success, there’s one thing he’ll never have:

Enough.

He is hurting internally, and yet he feels like he can’t share this with anybody. After all, nobody wants to hear about the problems a very wealthy, good looking person has, right? “Those problems aren’t real! Try not being able to put food on the table for your family!”

I’ve known both Mike and Jimmy since I was a little kid, and have grown up with them.

Two orphans with tragic lives, two very different upbringings, and real internal pain and shame that they feel they can’t share with anybody.

These tales might sound vaguely familiar to you.

You see, Mike’s real name is Clark. Clark Kent. Better known as Superman.

And Jimmy? That’s Bruce Wayne. Better known as Batman.

Superheroes are flawed. That’s what makes them interesting.

We all have superheroes that we love and relate closely to.

Have you noticed something about the best characters? The ones that are written so convincingly that we can’t help to become deeply invested in them as people?

They have critical flaws and tons of baggage that often sabotage their own efforts. Although they are superhuman, they are – with the exception of Superman – human.

And that’s what makes them interesting.

Every superhero that’s worth a damn has a strong character flaw or weakness. Superman’s weakness is kryptonite, sure. But really it’s that he will always feel like an outsider and feels an overwhelming obsession to save people who don’t appreciate or understand him. Batman’s weakness is the fact that he’ll never be good enough, never sacrifice enough, and never save enough people. Enough is never enough.

Let’s go across the aisle to Marvel, and we’ll find similarly flawed characters in Wolverine, Nightcrawler, and Tony Stark’s Iron Man. These guys’ flaws are very plain to see, and it’s what makes us love them. Hell, even squeaky clean Captain America only really became interesting when he was rewritten with some edge and… gasp… flaws!

How about female heroes like Black Widow? Natasha Romanoff was raised and trained as a freaking assassin and will spend the rest of her existence trying to right the wrongs of her past.

We love these flawed superheroes, because it makes them relatable, vulnerable, and REAL. It gives them an identity; as readers of comics or viewers of a movie, we get to look inside these people and know that they feel real pain too, and we see parts of ourselves in them.

We accept two things:

These superheroes are fictional characters.

There are parts of them I can relate to and learn from.

We accept these characters for who they are, and know that their flaws don’t define them but in fact, have shaped them into who they are.

Why, then, don’t we do this with our real-life heroes and ourselves?

Our heroes have flaws too

Are you familiar with the term “feet of clay?”

It’s an old term that refers to the construction of a statue – no matter what the statue is made out of (gold, silver, etc) or how well it’s reinforced… if the statue has a flaw like clay feet, it’ll still topple over just the same when pushed.

In psychology terms, it’s a term used to describe when we meet our heroes and realize, despite an otherwise impressive statue, that just like us, at their base they’re flawed and imperfect. Although we accept flaws and chinks in the armor of our favorite superheroes, we are told “don’t meet your (real life) heroes”. Why? Because that’s when we’ll learn that they don’t live up to the impossibly high standards we have set for them – leading to disappointment.

But I would argue that meeting your heroes and learning they’re human is significantly more valuable than continuing to put them on a pedestal and assuming they’re perfect.

When we compare ourselves to the idealized, public facing versions of our heroes – be they a celebrity, a blogger, sports star, or writer – we feel like they’re so special and that we’re incapable of doing what they’ve done.

Wrong. Our heroes are just like our superheroes! They’re people with flaws and baggage and anxiety, and that’s what makes them both relatable and interesting.

It also means that we can learn from them. They ARE us.

Let me share an example from my own life:

Tim Ferriss, 4x New York Times best-selling author, podcast genius, and the guy who pretty much owned the term “life hacking” is known by many as one of the most productive and successful people on the planet. You might have heard one of Tim’s podcast episodes or read The Four Hour Workweek (which was the impetus for me starting Nerd Fitness), and told yourself enviously, “I wish I could be like Tim” or “I wish I had Tim’s life.”

I have said to this myself many times over the past decade.

You see, I had created a superhero version of Tim in my head that wasn’t accurate – I didn’t have the full picture. It wasn’t until I read Tim’s posts like “Some Practical Thoughts on Suicide” and “Productivity Tricks for the Neurotic, Manic-Depressive, and Crazy (Like Me)” that I could see Tim for who he really was: a dude who had been thrust into the spotlight, doing his best to deal with it while helping as many people as possible, and he’s also dealing with a lot of shit that most people aren’t aware of.

I know this was incredibly difficult for Tim to share publicly, and I applaud him for it – I bet many were disappointed that the man they aspire to be didn’t “have it all”.

I bet even more had a different thought, however: “Oh shit, you mean he doesn’t live a perfectly structured life every day? That he TOO has days where he can’t get out of bed and struggles with vulnerability and anxiety and imposter syndrome? Me too!”  

I had conversation recently with my friend Mark Manson, who writes and runs an absolutely fantastic blog at MarkManson.net – he’s also the best-selling author of incredible “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***.” He has a MASSIVE following (millions), has sold hundreds of thousands of copies of his book, and I can only imagine the amount of hero worship he gets on a daily basis. Mark told me about a guy who wanted to interview him for his “morning productivity hacks,” assuming Mark was superhuman and that his perfectly structured routines led to his success. Mark’s story made me laugh:

“Well, I wake up between 9 or 10AM, because I was up late playing Overwatch. And then I lie in bed and check Facebook and my email. Then I sit down at my computer, drink a Redbull and mess around and then try to get some meaningful work done. Sometimes it happens. A lot of the time it doesn’t.”

Your heroes don’t succeed because they don’t have flaws. They succeed in spite of their flaws, or BECAUSE of their “flaws”. I’m thankful to Mark and Tim for opening the door and showing people that their lives aren’t flawless – that they too are real people who sometimes have bad or unproductive days.

The point I’m trying to make is this: Your heroes are not perfect robots. They have messed-up lives, crippling anxiety, depression, and baggage, just like you. And they have found a way to move forward and achieve their goals.

The more we can look honestly at our heroes and realize they’re just like us, the more we have to look internally at our own flaws and own them…and then succeed in spite of them:

That “supermom” with 4 kids who stays in shape? She has flaws too and succeeds despite dealing with a formerly abusive husband and a fear of abandonment.

That guy at the gym you wish you looked like? He hates his home life and is hiding behind steroids and another set of bench presses to find his happiness.

That author who you wish you could be like? He’s a recovering alcoholic and writes to heal the pain in his heart from a lost child.

We all have baggage. Our superheroes. Our heroes. And ourselves.

Welcome to the club!

Unpack your Baggage: Guilt vs Shame

Brene Brown, vulnerability expert, author, and courageous woman whose TED talk has been viewed 28 million times, has become known for a very important topic:

The difference between guilt and shame.

When we eat bad food (or binge watch TV, or date a revolving door of men/women, or drink a case of beer, or pop a few pills) to escape, when we hide behind a mask of anger, lash out, or retreat further into isolation… it’s oftentimes due to shame and not knowing how to deal with it. As we’re unpacking our personal baggage and taking ownership of it, our reaction will fall into one of those two categories (guilt and shame).

One is significantly more constructive than the other.

In her words:

Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is, “I am bad.” Guilt is, “I did something bad.” How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, “I’m sorry. I made a mistake?”

How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: I’m sorry. I made a mistake.

Shame: I’m sorry. I am a mistake.

Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. Here’s what you even need to know more: Guilt is inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something we’ve done, or failed to do, up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s adaptive.

Whatever has happened to you in the past; whether it was something you did or something that was done to you, please understand the difference between guilt and shame – apply your thoughts to the action, not your identity:

“I ate an entire pizza today and sabotaged my diet this weekend. I am a failure and a waste of space.” = shame. Not healthy.

“I ate an entire pizza today and sabotaged my diet this weekend. I can’t believe I did that. That was stupid of me.” = guilt. Healthy (though still painful).

Guilt can be constructive and uncomfortable, while shame can be destructive and cause us serious damage. When we’re shameful of our behavior, it can cause us to feel even more shame, and thus seek more quick fixes, or avoid the problem, or sink even deeper into a hole, which we then get ashamed of as well.

It’s a horrible feedback loop that we can get stuck in.

Remember, flaws are nothing to run away from or harbor shame for. Our heroes are flawed, and that makes them human.

So are you. And so am I.

Let’s own it.

I want you to say this to yourself: “No matter what I’ve done up to this point, I am deserving of love and happiness. I am NOT a lost cause. I will hit roadblocks and struggles and challenges, and make mistakes and screw up and do stupid things. I can forgive myself for those things, and move on from them. My heroes are flawed and broken, and so am I. If they can succeed, so can I.”  

Become your biggest fan. And then get to work by taking responsibility.

Take responsibility for your baggage

Just as we can forgive ourselves for actions we’ve taken, judgment-free and shame-free, we can take ownership of our baggage too. Just like our heroes, we must succeed despite our flaws and issues.

One of the articles I’m most proud of writing is about “Personal Responsibility,” the most important trait somebody can develop if they want to start living a better life.

Yes. The baggage that you carry around might be AWFUL:

You might have really unhealthy parents who taught you sugar was a food group.

You might have been in terrible, abusive relationships.

You might have been abandoned by one parent or both.

You might have been screwed out of a job you deserved.

You might have a horrible physical ailment or mental illness that is genetic.

You might have been born in a certain country, of a certain sex, or into a certain religion, that you didn’t choose and have struggled in today’s society as a result of.

Many of these things might not be your fault. Like Bruce or Clark, we are raised in a certain way and don’t get to pick our parents or our upbringing or the tragedies that have befallen us. We’re products of our environment and upbringing and genetics, and it all mixes together in a really weird way.

These things can cause us to feel shame about our place in life, retreating inward, lashing outward, and feeling like a victim or martyr who is doomed to stay stuck because ‘my problem is unique and unsolvable.’ We look for somebody to blame, and we assume our heroes are only where they are because they don’t have the problems we do. And so, we don’t take action, because “we can’t fix it” … the problem is somewhere else.

If you’ve spent any time on the internet lately, you know that victimhood of any kind is IN!

It’s where the money is. Controversy and outrage put asses in seats and bring traffic, page views, and advertising dollars. We’re constantly being reinforced and taught that anything in our life that offends us is somebody else’s problem (shame on them).

It’s that tiny voice in our head that is screaming (and being rewarded): “THEY NEED TO KNOW THEY HAVE OFFENDED ME. I FEEL WRONGED. WE MUST PUT THEM IN THEIR PLACE. IT’S NOT OUR FAULT.”

I don’t say this to make light of the real challenges many have faced, but rather highlight a growing epidemic that freezes us from taking action and improving our situation.

When the voices in people’s heads telling them “I am a victim” is being nurtured and reinforced, when every article or post is an opportunity to be offended and outraged, and when we’re lashing out because we are offended (for ourselves or others), it’s minimizing the impact and help needed for people who truly are victims and need help.

Now, readers of this blog get offended at me all the time and have NO problem chastising me! Telling people to move more, eat less, find more time in the day, build systems to set oneself up for success, prioritizing health, and minimizing distractions seems fairly straightforward and inoffensive.  

After all, these people chose to come to Nerd Fitness most likely because they’re looking for guidance on fixing part of their lives.

Regardless, we ALWAYS have people who rush to tell us how insulting the article was: they can’t change because of ___. And sure, they have a darn good reason or a serious problem they’re dealing with! But they’re choosing to be offended and insulted by our words while the other 99% of the population is choosing to say “okay, how can I apply this to my situation?”

All change comes from recognizing something we didn’t see before, and then changing our behavior because of this new insight. When we choose to see the world with this outrage/victim lens, we’re essentially solidifying the idea to ourselves that: There’s nothing I’m not seeing, there’s nothing I can do differently, the problem is somebody else’s. It does not apply to me.

Instead of CHOOSING this mentality, we need to take ownership for everything that has happened to us, both good and bad. This is a radical departure and a serious challenge that flies in the face of prevailing society these days.

The truth is this: you already have all of the tools you need to succeed/lose weight/make meaningful changes in your life.

That might be painful to read. That tiny voice in your head probably just yelled at me. If you can not react to that voice, and instead look at the situation without judgment, you can also decide that you don’t need anybody’s permission to change your mindset or your situation.

After all, the fact that you’re reading this means you are one of the luckiest individuals to exist in human history.

No, not the fact you are reading THIS article (I’m just a nerd who writes about Star Wars and push-ups in his underwear), but the fact that you exist in this year, 2017, with access to a computer and internet and modern marvels.

Life is AMAZING.

You don’t live in a cave! You have access to electricity! You most likely will not be eaten by a lion tomorrow! Or the next day!

The next part sucks, but it’s essential for growth: When you stop being outraged and assuming your problems are unique, and instead go: “Okay, this is the chaos I’m dealing with. What can I do about it?” you give yourself permission to pick yourself up by the bootstraps and take ownership.

There is somebody out there with your problems who has the life you want. This is great news. This is when change can happen.

You have everything you need to succeed already.

Accepting responsibility is tough as hell, because the alternative is WAY easier!

If we tell ourselves we’re a lost cause at getting in shape, it makes it easier to sit on the couch, play video games, and eat pizza.

If we tell ourselves that there are no good men or women to date, it makes it easier for us to justify not trying or potentially getting hurt, not being social, suffering through a lot of bad first dates, and instead sitting at home on a Friday. 

If we tell ourselves there are no good jobs out there, it makes it easier for us to blame Obama/Trump, the economy, and stay on unemployment or living with our parents and stop sending out resumes.

Did one of those sentences above made you angry? Maybe even… outraged? That little voice is saying, “HOW DARE YOU STEVE. You’re wrong because [reason I’ve been telling myself for years].

We tell ourselves these stories to stay safe and stay in our comfortable misery. We get offended so that we can pass responsibility onto others and justify inaction or failure.  

As I said before, it might not be your fault that something has happened to you, but it’s time to realize that it’s your responsibility to deal with it. Mark Manson said it best in his book:

“a baby showing up on your doorstep certainly isn’t your fault, but suddenly it’s your responsibility to deal with it.”

What if you lived life as if everything was your responsibility to deal with?

I recently had a conversation with a long-time member of the Nerd Fitness community. He let me know that he was disappointed in Nerd Fitness, because after four years he was still unhealthy and overweight because I hadn’t written anything that had inspired him to change yet.

I knew the guy well enough and replied, “Hey man, we all have baggage. You’ve been waiting around for four years and nothing I’ve written has motivated you to change…maybe we’re not the problem? You have all the tools you need and a supportive community. Have you given yourself permission to take responsibility for your success? What specific action are you taking today to improve yourself?”

He got very mad at me and told me off, only to email back a month later with a “You’re right. I know what I need to do, and I’ve been using my medical condition as an excuse. I’m going to take a more active role in my health.”

Bruce Wayne didn’t choose to have his parents killed. Neither did Clark Kent. Natasha Romanoff was brainwashed at a very young age to become an assassin, and she has to atone for that for the rest of her life.

You probably didn’t choose to have [very real problem] or [genetic condition] or [serious obstacle] or [life altering challenge] happen.

But if you stop being outraged, stop deciding you’re a victim, and instead operate under the philosophy that your life as it is right now is 100% your responsibility to deal with, that you are not owed ANYTHING, then you can also realize that you already have EVERYTHING you need to take action on the problem.

I’m already prepared for responses from people who skim this article, with their defensive shields already up, saying things like: “Steve this is very insulting and you don’t understand, because you are [blank] and [blank] and [age]. Shame on you, and I’m offended because [this reason] and [this reason] and you can’t possibly know what I’m going through. I can’t [lose weight/change/get out of this relationship/eat better] because [valid reason].”

These are often the people with the most to gain if they realize they have ALL the tools (and the responsibility) to start dealing with it RIGHT NOW. That many people have succeeded in similar situations as them. That their problems are not unique. Which means it IS solvable.

If this sounds like you, stop taking pride in your baggage, stop proudly being the victim/martyr subconsciously. Instead of indignant, outraged, and unhappy, be responsible.

It’s what our heroes do.  

We all have flaws. We all also have super powers.

Here in the Nerd Fitness Rebellion, we are all disasters. We all feel shame. We all feel guilty.

We are all broken.

Welcome to the island of misfit toys.

Like any motley collection of superheroes, we all have baggage that keeps things interesting. At the same time, just like the X-men, or the Avengers, or the Justice League… along with those flaws we also have superpowers.

Things we can do that nobody else can. Things that we’re better at than others without thinking about it. It might be compassion, empathy, humor, or inclusiveness. It might be a knack for a certain skill or aptitude. Things that if we spent more time focused on, it would make our lives better and the world will be better.

Regardless of how many bags you’ve packed to come here, welcome!

This is a community where you get to be yourself, where you can learn the difference between shame and guilt, and it’s okay to be vulnerable while you work through your shit.

We forgive ourselves.

We know we’re human and that no action we take is something that permanently defines us. Like any superhero, our journey is long and winding, and we have to find our way through the darkness.

We also accept personal responsibility for our place in life and our future.

It might not be our fault where we are right now, but it’s our responsibility to deal with. We choose to not get offended and not to use that to be a victim or martyr. We know that everything is written to offend or to make people feel like victims, and we’re going to stop letting this rule us.

We choose to allocate our brain power to better things.

If this article made you offended and angry and you want to yell me at me for not understanding your particular situation because I’m A, B, and C and you’re X, Y, and Z, no worries! Take a break. We’ll be here if you change your mind in the future.

If you’re ready, willing, and able to accept responsibility, judgment free, for where you are in life…

Welcome to the Rebellion.

You have what you need. You don’t need somebody else’s permission to start. You can choose to stop being a victim. You can be your own hero. And we’re here to support you on that journey. You can solve your own problems, and we’ll be your sidekick cast of supporting heroes ready to step up at every turn.

If you’re in, I’d love to hear from you below:

What’s one thing you’ve felt shame over that you can re-attribute to non-judgmental guilt: “I did that thing. I can work on that.”

What’s one thing you’ve felt victimized by in the past that has kept you prisoner, and how can you accept responsibility for dealing with it?

What is your superpower? What’s something that you do really, really freaking well? That you can succeed with despite the other parts of you?  

-Steve

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Photo: Daniel Kulinski: Crack, Miguel Discart: Hero Shelf

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