#which was a bad idea for a guy with misophonia | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tf2fansderogatory · 2 years

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We all know the mercs are not neurotypical. This is fact.

But what are good sounds and bad sounds for them? Do the others know? Do they make sure to not make any of the Bad Sounds in case it gives someone sensory overload? Are there good textures and feelings to help with that?

oh i actually have misophonia so i'm somewhat qualified to answer this whee

just a warning, i'm gonna use this entire answer as an excuse for me to project heehoo

scout - i think sounds that he's generally fine with are anything having to do with voices or music, he's pretty loud himself as we know and probably likes to blast his music, so i would categorize those as Good Sounds for scout. on the other hand, i think his main Bad Sound is "shushing" sounds (which i used to struggle with a lot and they still bug me today so haha projection), not only because it bothers him as a sound but also because he's a bit sensitive about being told to be quiet. he probably struggled with this a lot in school because you know how teachers can be. i feel like the rest of the team would adjust to this by establishing alternative ways to get everyone to shut up and listen. maybe the "clap clap clapclapclap" thing, that was always an alternative that i appreciated. or maybe the jerma teacher noise because haha scout jerma

soldier - another guy that's pretty loud himself...this will probably turn into a theme knowing these characters, but i do have an idea for a merc or two that could plausibly have voice sensitivity i prommy! anyway, yeah, soldier strikes me as the type to be fine with and even enjoy loud voices, but another Good Sound i think he'd have would be. like. crushing sounds? like if you let him hold a paper for too long he will start crushing it because mm crumple crumple. also if he ever gets ahold of bread with a solid crust he totally does the thing from ratatouille where he listens to the crackling. right so onto Bad Sounds...i'm gonna project again and say that he really dislikes certain tongue clicking sounds, it's just a bad combo of wet and dry sound and is not fun for him. i remember during the "meet the heavy" sfm, heavy does that sort of sound before he says "i've yet to meet one who can outsmart bullet," so i think heavy especially would be mindful to not do that around soldier because he's a good guy.

pyro - oh hey look, someone that's actually pretty quiet! i'm gonna state the obvious and say that pyro really likes the sound of fire, with the soft roaring and the crackling and all that, it's some Good Sounds. they share the ratatouille tendencies with soldier in regards to bread. anon also mentioned Good Textures so i'm gonna say that pyro enjoys things that are smooth and/or rubbery, i mean look at their suit and also balloonicorn, it makes sense. also they like fluffy things because aww it's like animal friends! oh speaking of animals, they also really like the sound of dogs sniffing, i dunno how to explain this one it's just. yeah. anyway in terms of Bad Sounds, i think pyro has a certain degree of voice sensitivity, they're not necessarily overwhelmed by loud voices but if someone is yelling directly at them or just too close to them they get really really overwhelmed. therefore the rest of the team maintains a respectable distance when they run into a match and start doing their battle crys and such, and pyro does their little muffled yells along with them because they still find it fun to be included in The Noise

demo - he's fond of the sound of breaking glass. part of the reason why he brings a bottle as his melee is because haha funny breaking sound wheee. it's just a satisfying sound, i feel him on this one. it's also like a nice and predictable thing to do, you whack a glass thing against a hard surface, it breaks, it makes a breaking sound, hell yeah dude. autism hungry feed it broken glass. demo's got good taste in Good Sounds. also should go without saying but he knows how to be careful of glass shards, he knows what he's doing, which is why he's completely fine when he breaks his bottle in-game. he's so cool i wanna be like him when i grow up. ahem anyway, i think in terms of Bad Sounds, demo's really bothered by eating/chewing sounds, they're just icky to him. he keeps a reasonable distance from the others during meals, but oh you know he's back in it if it's just drinks, no problem with those at all

heavy - he's really comforted by the sound of laughter. he's been through some tough times, so whenever he hears laughing, he kind of loosens up because it's a sign that things are alright. also side tangent i don't think heavy understands the concept of an "evil laugh," he doesn't really get how something so mirthful could be "evil" in any way. so yeah all laughter is good laughter to heavy. Good Sounds indeed. although in terms of Bad Sounds, any kind of alarm sound will put him on edge. if he uses an alarm of any sort, he prefers ringing bell sounds, he's not fond of blaring alarms of any sort. i actually headcanon that the blu alarm bell system we see in "meet the spy" was installed by blu engie because the previous system was more like a fire alarm due to blu's decidedly more digital and modern base structure, and engie noticed after a few emergency situations that the blu heavy was getting pretty bad sensory overload from the alarms, so he got permission to replace them! i think red team's base(s) probably already had bell alarms to begin with because they have a more classic/rustic theme going on, so red heavy wouldn't have much of an issue there :)

engie - his Good Sounds are very music-centric. whenever he needs to calm down he goes about trying to find or produce a melody of some sort, whether it's by listening to music, playing his guitar or a harmonica, or just humming to himself. his mind gets very busy and hard to manage at times, so having a melody to follow makes it easier to sort out his thoughts. i also think he's perfectly capable of diminishing the whirring and beeping of his various machinery, but he purposefully has them rigged to play those sounds in a sort of familiar and melodic manner. i dunno, i just feel like he's the type to hear music in everything. moving on...i think his Bad Sounds are summarized by basically any sort of cacophony. he can handle loud sounds, but if it's a lot of loud sounds all at once, he struggles to process them all and it overloads his mind. therefore, i think the rest of the team generally carries themselves differently around engie, including on the battlefield; most of their canon interactions with engineers of the same team are basically just thanking him for building stuff or requesting that he build something, so i think it's not too farfetched to suggest that they're also less aggressive and less loud around engie. everyone respects him, as they should

medic - oh mein gott zhe neuros are so divergent here!--*cough* sorry don't know what came over me there. anyway i think medic is comforted by pretty much any animal sound, i mean he surrounds himself with birds and introduced mpreg into the tf2 universe just to Acquire Monkey, like. what more do you want me to say, the dude loves animals, he makes sure all of his spare animal organs were sourced humanely. also i noticed that shoebills were mentioned on the blog recently and i think he'd be fascinated by all the funky sounds shoebills make. oh mein gott zhat birdie sounds like a shootengunnen!--*ahem* pardon. something in my throat i guess. but yeah, basically animal sounds are Good Sounds for the medical lad. as for Bad Sounds...i feel like medic would be the type to be really distressed by the sound of crying/sobbing, he doesn't really know how to react to it and often the overload of confusion causes him to cry as well, which confuses him even more because he doesn't know how to deal with himself crying either so it's just a bad time. i like to imagine that someone especially good at keeping composed, like heavy or engie, would maybe help him out with learning how to calmly deal with situations like that. man i ended up projecting onto medic even more than i thought i would

sniper - okay first off...he strikes me as the type to really enjoy a good breezy sound, like rustling leaves or wind against a window. he's generally big on nature sounds i think, which leads into my next point which i now realize will probably be made into a piss joke: i think he's particular to the sound of rushing water, like you'd hear from rivers or waterfalls. now, my first Bad Sound assignment for sniper is hmm. zippers, i think. specifically the sound of pulling zippers quickly, he's not big on that buzzy, high-pitched sound. he tends to avoid zippers if he can but if he has to use them, he opens and closes them very gently to avoid hearing that sound. secondly, i haven't let myself have a repeat up until now so i'm cutting some slack for myself and saying that he shares the dislike of cacophony with engie. he prefers being as far away as possible from wherever the epicenter of noise is, which is lent well to by his position as, well, a sniper. he also has a similar sensitivity to pyro in that he dislikes loud voices, but for him it doesn't really matter if it's directed at him, he just dislikes them in general. the rest of the team tends to refrain from screaming and/or yelling in his vicinity, and he tends to have a bit of a mellowing effect on the people around him anyway, so it works out

spy - i think he'd have a fondness for low, rolling sounds, i suppose is the term? stuff like cats purring and distant thunder and rumbling air conditioners. his hearing is quite good, so he's developed an appreciation for more subtle sounds. they ground him to reality in a way when other louder sounds get to be overwhelming. speaking of overwhelming sounds, spy seems like the type to dislike scratchy sounds, and also scratchy textures but that's not what we're here for. i feel like he'd really hate those asmr videos where they scratch the mic, if that helps to picture what i mean. it brings to mind the idea of scratching something away to either destroy it or discover what it's hiding, and spy really doesn't vibe with that sort of thought. spy also doesn't voice his feelings especially clearly, since he keeps everything so private, so the other mercs that manage to catch on to spy's issue with scratchy stuff just tend to avoid making those sorts of sounds around him and kinda nudge anyone else who hasn't caught on yet

#answered by nimbus #anon #tf2 whole team

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tomorrowillbeyou · 2 years

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VOTE should i go to class today.

for:

slight interactive element to lectures which i might not get at home

not being a total freakin hermit in the back ie leaving the house

i am slowly establishing a rapport with my tutorial group in that i sit there autism glaring at them and sometimes they ask me for answers and they added me to their group chat

i don't want to make a habit out of skipping bc it will not end well and i like to at least try to be responsible

against:

this class is so intensely bad for my misophonia that i literally leave with physical injuries

the guy talks really fast so if i watched the recordings at home i would actually be able to make notes in my own time

i have had under 4 hours of sleep bc of the show

i would be out for like several hours and if i stayed home i would be able to get way more work done in that time + no walking around + in the tutorials i usually spend most of it doing nothing bc i prefer working alone

kind of hate the idea of social interaction at the moment or just generally going outside

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asmolemmeeatyouout · 3 years

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Clearing out the drafts so

Random hc’s for the boys

That I don’t wanna even try organise

CW: one non graphic mention of gore

Lucifer has misophonia, he hides it well but does frequently bend/break cutlery because of it.

(Catch Satan chewing as loud as he possibly can)

👾Levia👾chan👾🥺😳😩😖😣🍥😓😥🤢🤢🤮🥉🥉🥉 texts 🐒😈📱 📲 like 👍 🤗💃 this 😊 😊 😊 🥵 🥵😣😣😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭😏😏🤯

(🙌 Yes 🙌 👍 👏 it’s 👋 🙋‍♀️ every 💫 💫 💫 text 🙈 ☺️ 🙈 . 🚫 No 🚫 you 👨 👩 cannot 👅👀👅 make 👉👈👉👈 👁👄👁him 🛑 stop 🛑😈👿😈 ‼️❕‼️🐠 (<Henry)

Will role play as Henry (the fish, specifically) while texting you when he’s too shy to ask you things, the only hint you get is him ending every text like with ALL the fish emojis. If you refer to him as Levi not Henry during this he will SULK.

Calls your texting dry af if you don’t send at LEAST four emojis with every message

The best subtle magic belphie has is his sheets are always crisp and new

Like every night is shaved leg fresh sheets night smooth

His magic only works on his sheets so he sneaks his other washing in with beels the lazy git

Beel knows he just doesn't care

Beel does the most laundry out of the brothers bc he eats in bed CONSTANTLY

(He also eats everything he spills but that's not gonna stop the spaghetti stains- or the punishment from Lucifer when he accidently swallows the sheet too)

Beel once chewed belphies hair in his sleep

This is the main reason the twins have separate beds

If belphies asleep somewhere and wants a cuddle he will just kidnap the nearest person if no ones around, this includes little d’s and lessor demons, his magic will put them to sleep fast enough it can’t be stopped

Asmo’s body changes with trends (its fucked that body types have trends), but the devildom is slower in its trend rotation which is why he’s currently obsessed with the 2000’s esque stature (give 👏 us 👏 fat 👏 asmo 👏! ! !)

Levi has the FATTEST ass around (and cute little love handles and a soft belly, boy sits on his ass all day no way he’s ripped)

(Still has demon strength tho, but his human glamour is much less intimidating than his true demon self (think @waltnut 's form hc’s)

Satan’s whole feather boa getup is literally a cat toy. He wears it to entice cats he knows it’s ugly.

Asmodeus will take and wear your clothing without asking. This includes underwear, I suggest you get a lock for your closet.

Beel has FRECKLESS HES A FUCKING GINGER GIVE HIM FRECKLES OR GIVE ME DEATH DEVS !,!

In line with this, the first time beel went to the human world he burnt tomato red under the sun. He was not aware sunscreen was a thing due to the whole perma night devildom thing.

Stoner! Mammon supremacy

(he also deals coke bc moneeeeyyyy) (lucifer doesn’t care as long as it’s not in the house, drugs aren’t a. Illegal in the devildom, and b. that harmful to demons, it’s also his most respectable way of getting Grimm considering all his other hijinxs)

Asmo once convinced Satan to wear a sexy cat costume for a Halloween party

Satan had a sexual-identity-furry crisis in the bathroom

Devildom clothing isn’t gendered,

Asmodeus has been banned from wearing skirts in professional settings due to uh *coughcough* “accidental” flashing. (The same with crop tops/bras/see-through shirts)

Mammon and lucifer are scary similar in some respects like:

Lucifers receiving love language is physical touch and BOY is he starved. Touch his head and he will full body shudder black out for a second. Most people assume it’s acts of service bc he’s so overworked but that’s his giving, duh. (Try touch his neck and your wrist will be broken before you get close)

It’s why he wears gloves everywhere (also bc scars from the war, but I don’t remember the @ I heard that from first and I don’t wanna steal :) )

Mammon’s receiving love language is also physical touch, lucifer’s pride stops them from helping each other.

Lucifer will mock you if you get too close to his insecurities as a defence mechanism, it’s why mammon refuses to hug him even though they both need it.

Mammon just flat out denies his needs and emotions (partially due to lucifer’s defence response, partly bc him&co being abs assholes)

Mammon and asmo share the same music taste (which is GAY pop -think rina sawagama comme des garçons, Britney, gaga, montero- (I’m sry I don’t know more pop))

Asmodeus is the ‘tell you things that you think are tmi or too personal but actually mean nothing to me’ kind of honestly dishonest so no one knows his true feelings/can hurt him (me too baby !)

Beel is the only brother open about his emotions because he’ll just eat you if you dare make fun of him

Mammon offers beel food on really bad days because he’s too afraid of being mad fun of to just ask for a hug and beel showers anyone that gives him food in affection

Asmodeus LIKES violence, he thinks blood and gore is sexy, but he keeps that side of him very private as to not taint his perfect image and lower his chances of getting laid

(there are rumours and myths about what the avatar of lust likes to do to people who truly piss him off, but they’re so far removed from the Asmodeus everyone knows and loves that no one really believes them. Which is just how asmo likes it)

ALL the boys are obsessed with touching/stroking your neck/nape because there’s so much fragility there and it’s a huge sign of trust for a demon

Mammon is always warm

Levi is always cold (blooded)

When Satan gets really angry, objects near him just burst into flames

Okay I’m done now, thank u for reading !! :)

*** think I tagged the wrong creator gonna go find the right url soz guys !! (But also do check out @decaffeinated-demons they’ve got super cool ideas)

#obey me swd #obey me #obey me asmodeus #obey me lucifer #obey me leviathan #obey me mammon #belphagor obey me #obey me satan #obey me beelezebub #obey me headcanons

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maniacalmagician · 3 years

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EVERHOOD: Pinocchio in Psychedelic Purgatory: the Rock Opera Adventure. OR: I walked backwards into hell, and felt euphoria as I became privvy to the Divine Truths

Hello tumblr people. I’ve been Away. I played a game recently and I wanted to talk about it. damnit i really wanted to put pictures into this mini essay. ive been away from this garbage site for too long, i dont know how to do it lol. ok anyway First, I want to say to the developers and anyone else that this has quickly become one of my all time favorite games. Currently writing I have personally never felt a greater emotional attachment to an experience with a piece of software. Perhaps it is the extreme idiosyncratic nature of it, perhaps it is the deeply intriguing storyline, mostly however it is a combination of those in addition to some of the most outstanding psychedelic visuals I have ever seen, particularly in the finale sequence, and a killer soundtrack that combines many genres but focuses mostly to being as bangers as possible. I will be upfront and say this game comes with a boatload of trigger warnings, and thus the aforementioned idiosyncratic nature of it may not appeal to everyone, however I feel it necessary to indicate potential content warnings here as I would hate for people to be triggered: epilepsy is the big one, I myself have mild stutter based epilepsy and it didn't cause health problems or anything but my case is not universal. Anyway. That is a hard warning on epilepsy. I do it because The Incredibles 2 did not, lmao (that's an example of the kind of visuals that trigger me personally. An aside ) Other things include (spoilers): arachnophobia, misophonia (screeches, unsettling sounds), themes of death, immortality, suicide. Some game mechanics are not immediately intuitive and puzzles require some pretty clever but sometimes obtuse solutions. Direction is not always super clear either. People have complained of performance issues but I am leaving this review after playing the switch port, which played smoothly other than some awkwardly long loading times here and there. What I have played of PC so far runs smooth but as of writing, performance for me was fine (my pc is a lowend budget build). There is a difficulty to it. Even playing on easier modes, it can be quite unforgiving. If you're a fan of hard games (I am but I suck at them) and rhythm games (this is, uh, Not? That? Almost functions as half walking sim, half rhythm Game, dodgy shoot em up kinda feels. Truly unique gameplay I think. Constantly switches things up, too. But yes I also adore rhythm games, and yes i also do suck at those too.), half of it is that. The devs troll you with puzzles. It's truly a wild experience as it advertises, one of a kind. And yet, however.... This game wears, much like its heart,, its references, on its sleeve. If you are not into that kind of thing, you will probably be annoyed by this game. It also loves to delv into meta, as many puzzles and interactions are references to the UI of the game itself. Personally, I'm not wild about meta but I appreciate the ernestness here, so I'm willing to roll with whatever this game throws at me because every turn feels unexpected, fresh, funky, somber, and wildly intelligent, with boldly sincere ludonarrative choices, script and art direction. If you like Geno from super Mario Brothers, which, guess what, narrator here LOVES Geno from Super Mario Brothers, this is functionally the game you've always wanted that Nintendo could never make because Square has held Geno hostage in some kind of underground torture facility since 1995. Turns out they were rather right to do so, because when that puppet is out serving a higher authroity, he can be quite dangerous. Narrarively it borrows much from its sources but I would argue there's proof the writers have spent time thinking about the implications of their source materials worlds, and that reflection casts itself back to create this, experience that is wholly unique even if we know Red is Geno and "Gaster" (who was based on Uboa from Yume Nikki or princess mononokes forest spirits), and some kind of disco Marceline character who changes their identity frequently, skeleton brothers- well undead brothers, really - We have to remember in the creation and consumption of media sometimes, influences and archetypes are ever present and Everhood almost itself is a realm that would indulge in the idea of self referential material. It makes for this very Jungian experience of friendly archetypes we're familiar with, which works well with this setting of an immortal realm. Thats not to say the personalities we do meet aren't expounded upon - they are, heavily, and become uniquely their own. (Spoiler) if my theory is to be believed this world is a purgatory where people have made their own artificial vessels and as time has made them bored (though some seem to be having a good time) while typical strains of the Pinocchio myth are thrown in about questions of identity and death - and probably even more so towards Timothy Learys concept of the Ego Death, or the return to the collective soup of unconcious being. Undertale will probably always be a reccomendation even by its own reference to it so comparisons to it will be littered through here. It feels like the developers were emboldened by Toby Foxs spirit in game development (his creative energy is rather infectious) and shared many similar ideas, but this feels far more aimed towards a maturer audience (references to the things I mentioned in the trigger warning list) and focused on achieving this feeling that its predecesors have as well. Yume nikki. Lisa. Earthbound. Toby's games. super Mario rpg in its humor, Cat Soup in its psychedellic depressive vibes, all this cool indie cult classicy kinda mash up soup. bizarre antics and then these characters who have surprising depth the further you go. It has been 6 years since Undertale came out, and the developers for Everhood have called a lot of the "what ifs" that fans of that game ask, an answer in their own game. (What if No Mercy was forced, for example? What if going against destiny is the wrong thing to do? Why is Death such a Bad Thing? etc!) And the further along you progress, the smarter the story gets, the more complex the narrative threads and characters. This game knows how to write compelling literature and that wasn't an element I expecting but god am I so glad for it. Literally my pea brain saw Red's design flipping around some frets on a streamers videocapture (shoutout to based fellow tampa native Charles White, thank you for being witty and having good taste and your Floridian comisery.) one night and went "oh i like." But the experience I got in exchange was, so, so much more than that (but the tetris effect won't let that image disappear from my eyelids quite yet haha.) I hear there are multiple endings and one requires a 3 hour long trek. I'm not done with the game at the time of reviewing. You bet your sweet ass I am going to find out the Ultimate Truth. I found a way to deal with some of the bullshit in other games, I may not be great at games but I want to see whatever imagery these guys put on screen so it compels me to seek out all the alternative routes. I am going to be following these developers projects very closely. If this is their debut, their next project will be ... ... I would hate to force expectations, like if you just made a magnum opus like this it'd be perfectly alright to retire, but I just once again want to say thank you to the developers for putting your heart on display for the world to see. I see it. I have dealt with struggles similar to the ones in the stories this game articulates about anxiety and depression, existentialism and dread, dissociation and all the heavy themes that were risky to include narratively - I'm certaintly glad you took the risks you did. May update this review as I get further along the story but yeah. Tl;dr: haha pinocchio myth done well make brain go brrr. 9.99999999999998/10. I am taking an infitisimal fraction of a point off because of the ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ spider in the monster maze. that thing was abhorrent, but I won't let it deter anyone else who wants to play.

#everhood #audnalysis

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idkbeesiguess · 4 years

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I don't really know what to say but I'm watching the stream rn and they want us to say goodbye and I think I'd feel bad if I didn't.

I have a crippling fear of death. Not dying, the idea of a painful death doesn't mess me up, but ceasing to be. Of not being remembered. I spend much of my time trying to avoid my ongoing existential crisis which can cause severe panic and does not help with my depression at all. So Unus Annus has been hard for me, to say the least. But I think that that's not necessarily a good thing.

I was roughly 3 months behind on videos because the fear of it being over was causing me to avoid the channel. The past couple of days have consisted of me(somewhat unhealthily) binging the rest of the videos. I didn't finish until about 10-20 minutes ago. I don't know what I missed of the stream but I can't say I necessarily have any regrets. I was still here. Maybe not for every second of it, maybe not for every word of the stream, but I was here.

I hate the concept of an ending. I hate change. I don't do well with it. But this year has been amazing. I'll be sad to see it go but I don't have any regrets. It was good for me, I think, to have a set ending. To know Precisely what was going to happen and when. It's somehow helped me come to terms with what's going to happen. Especially with the videos of y'all talking about the end of it and how it's not the end of the world, and the good things that will come with it. It's helped a bit. Maybe this can be a first step towards me accepting this, but it will be a VERY long time before that happens. Thank you for opening the door to that possibility.

Honestly I'm a bit relieved that it's going to be over because of the stress I've been putting myself under as the time ticks down. As sad as I am to see it go, I'm happy for the memories I may have. Even though my memory is pretty shitty I'll be doing my best. I wasn't here consistently but I watched(almost all) the videos all the way through(that hotdog video FUCKED my misophonia, as did all of the eating videos, but Jesus fuck the hotdog video). I don't regret anything despite my inconsistency and missing most of the livestream. I cherish the memories we made here, all the stupid jokes, the sex toys, the piss videos, and the more serious goodbyes and talks about the universe and endings. It all holds the same weight in my heart and I will never(hopefully, neurodivergence be damned) forget it.

I can't think of many of the videos off the top of my head but one of my absolute favorite videos was playing children's games in the dark, it was hysterical and weird and creepy and I loved it. My birthday video was shaving Chica. The editing style grew so much over the course of the channel and the editors honestly did a fucking PHENOMENAL job. Mark and Ethan, you guys have improved so much as actors. Amy, you had so many good ideas. Everyone who worked the cameras, who worked behind the scenes, everyone who guested in any of the videos, you all did amazing. I loved every second of it.

Thank you for sharing this experience.

Memento Mori.

#this was kinda rambley but i have so many feelings #I'm just #jfkdkxndn #I love you guys #thank you #unus annus #memento mori #markiplier #crankgameplays #mark fischbach #ethan nestor

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cripplecharacters · 5 years

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What would a real experience in a psychiatric ward be like? Lots of sites say its good but they seem to be from non-patients. Do you also have any/know where I can find more reliable resources?

yeah, they’re awful. i’ll give my experiences, but they’re pretty intense.

tw psychiatric abuse, suicide mention, sex ment, conversion therapy(?) under the cut. i’ll be getting a little personal and a little painful. a lot personal. i want to be clear: the only people these places help are those with unipolar depression and anxiety and EVEN THAT is only if you do everything they say and act the way they want. and are above the age of 35. and are nice to them. i take that back: it doesn’t matter what you have, if you don’t do whatever they say then they don’t help you. i don’t actually mind giving my experience because venting is good.my experience is heavily tied to my being lgbtq/queer, but that by no means was the focus.

now, this is all worse-case… i’m sure there’s people who work at these places who are good people, but there’s bound to be people in the replies with their own horror stories and i recommend they share said stories and that you read them. and i do mean horror stories. first of all, it depends on the ward. short term facilities completely reduce your sense of freedom down to nothing because all they want is to make sure you aren’t going to kill yourself or someone else. in several places you are required to have a psych evaluation after a suicide attempt that lands you in the ER, some places skip it and just toss you into a short term facility. most people stay in those facilities for about a week at most, then move on to a long term facility if they need to stay longer. generally you get tossed in a room and have to wait until a counselor can see you, they usually make you go to their ‘group therapy’ which, in short term facilities, is pretty weak since most everyone there is exhausted and/or actually having a breakdown, but if you don’t go to groups they can mark you down as non-compliant and it’ll make it harder for you to be cleared to leave.the nurses can try to be sympathetic, but most of them have kind of reduced patients down to moving faces. they aren’t really sympathetic because to them, you’ll be gone in a few days, and your panic and fear will go away like it always does, and it’s not their problem. sure, they can handle a crisis- but they really aren’t all that kind and tend to get annoyed easily if patients don’t comply since they see so many patients they’ve stopped seeing them as individuals and just as nervous animals to be calmed, drugged, and booted out. sometimes the counselors will diagnose you with something completely off base and change all your meds before kicking you out, then you have to have everything changed back. seriously, if you don’t want to go to the groups, they make sure you know that it’ll keep you there longer. it doesn’t matter if you’re exhausted and want to rest. they made us go out and do “stretches” and lie down on linoleum. i don’t like touching the floor. they made me do it anyway. i can’t be still for long periods of time doing nothing. they made me do it anyway. granted, i was 14 and in the minors ward at that time, but still. if you’re too sick to eat, they mark it down and they’ll start breathing down your back about eating disorders. if you don’t do whatever you’re told, they usually imply you’ll have to stay longer. that’s essentially how they keep control. there’s a lot of ‘how’s your mood today’ and fake concern that hides that they’re just getting your info and wanting to move on. kids wards are especially horrible. they act like everyone there is a complete brat that is actively trying to cause trouble and they can and will make you sit in your room with nothing to do.

also they WILL just change your medicine. the second place i went to as a minor just decided i didn’t need my stimulants, they didn’t believe in giving stimulants to people during nonwork days. they didn’t consult with me OR MY PARENTS, they just didn’t give me the medicine i’ve been on since i was five. adhd meds aren’t the types to cause withdrawal, but they keep me calm, awake, and alert, and when i’m not those things there really isn’t much being done. my mom went ballistic and pulled me out of that facility because they decided to screw with my medicine without asking anyone.

it’s pretty unanimous in any of these facilities that they think they are Always Right. ALWAYS. they can never ever be wrong. giving a 17 year old one of the most potently sedative antipsychotics out there instead of one less intense? they were absolutely in the right. thorazine WILL knock you out completely. i slept for hours on the couch in the rec room and it was my fault for not going to groups that day.

i went to a long term facility literally a week after i turned 18. i had been told before i fit a lot of bpd symptoms and it was likely i had it, so i communicated that- i also communicated the horribly toxic and messed up friend situation i had been in the past two years, and i also communicated that i was asexual- big. mistake. they threw me into groups about healthy relationships and the counselor told me to my face that ‘sex is the most important part of intimacy’ and they kept drilling that i would forever be unhappy and toxic unless i listened and obeyed their concepts of healthy relationships and sex. again, i had literally just turned 18. most of the people in the facility had an average age of 35. i went there to process trauma and abuse and was treated like i needed to ‘get over’ my struggles in relationships- not the struggles that were actually there, like being unable to stand up for myself and communicate my needs, oh no- for my apparent resistance to intimacy and trust. those places medicalize the fuck out of being lgbtq- i had to also sit and go in depth about my dysphoria only for them to look at me funny (sorry nonbinary dysphoria weirds you out? my therapist understands it fine?) and continually gaslight me over and over about my experiences, my attraction, who i was attracted to and how- it was as though they had absolutely no idea how to interact with anyone lgbtq that wasn’t cis and gay and middle aged. i said i knew who i was: nonbinary, asexual, trans, not attracted to men: they used my close friendship that had been horribly toxic and traumatic with someone who wasn’t even a guy but who used he/him (or any) pronouns to try and convince me i was actually in love with him, because the concept of toxic friendships and relationships that aren’t romantic and are still painful exist. i still don’t know if they were trying to convince me i was a gay man or a lesbian, the trans thing confused them and they went back and forth with me not accepting my body or me not accepting being trans (i said i was trans?) if they do not immediately understand it, they want to make you say you’re something they do understand, because that way they’ll still be right.

the gaslighting is something.a lot of these long term places (at least the one i went to) are meant for people older than the age of 35. they are meant for cishet people with depression. if you have issues that cannot be resolved with the treatment they give cishet people with depression, screw you. there WAS a trans guy in the ward who was given a decent amount of respect when they didn’t want him to talk about being trans in groups. they encouraged disclosure and they wanted to know everything. and again: you HAD to go to the groups, no matter how uncomfortable you are there. there’s not a lot of support for people who have disorders that Will Never go away- it’s just “coping strategies” for unipolar depression and anxiety and sometimes ptsd groups that i didn’t get to go to because i was too busy learning about sex and relationships. they acted like i was the one who could fix all my problems and i just needed to take charge and accept things and be kind to my inner child, but i’m a person with two personality disorders and severe dissociation. some things will NEVER go away, you can only learn how to manage symptoms as they come.and honestly i don’t think they even had very good depression and anxiety treatment. i feel bad for the people under the age of 25 who went there for depression treatment and were told it was something they could fix on their own. it’s not.

these places are often old fashioned in that manner. the second you mention BPD, they go completely off the rails with treating you like you’re a menace to your relationships and you need to fix yourself before it’s too late. but that’s another story about how much BPD is stigmatized.

also, they made me stay in a room with someone who snored despite the many free rooms. i know it meant ‘less rooms to clean’ but i have profound sleep issues and i’m autistic and have misophonia. i wanted to go out and sleep in on the couches in the open area but they just gave me earplugs and made me go back to bed. no sympathy. no sympathy for panic attacks or people dissociating. they shoved essential oils under my nose when i dissociated and i nearly hacked up a lung, those things are awful.

you can’t just be left alone. you are NEVER alone, you can’t go and be quiet and be left alone, it is constant. you are stuck there and you cannot leave no matter how they attempt to sugar coat it: even if you went there willingly, they can keep you there if they say you’re a danger to yourself. they will check on you constantly if you want to be alone because you can’t want to be alone without being a danger to yourself, according to them. it’s not like people are autistic sometimes. it is IMMENSELY, unbelievably stressful. there is no being alone, they make you keep doors open, they make you viewable at all times- i can understand why, to an extent, but they have absolutely no sympathy for how you feel and don’t usually try to accommodate you either, so you just have to suffer through it. there are a million ways the rules to protect people could be better handled, but that would require being more one on one with a patient and actively being sympathetic to an individual’s needs, and you’ll just be leaving in a few weeks anyways, so why should they bother? there’s really absolutely no sympathy or compassion for the patients because they keep telling us to look at the big picture- when most of us are stuck in the here and now and the pain we are currently going through.

anyways, i got bitter and angry, but that’s most of my experience. i have a lot of blurry memories i can’t really remember as bits and pieces, it’s all just one solid blur of six weeks of incredible stress. i hated every second and i learned absolutely nothing there because i’m not a 40 year old with depression, i was a traumatized teenager with several serious disorders. they were NOT equipped and they were stuck 30 years in the past. i was gaslit most of my time there about my relationships and my sexuality and my gender, about my illnesses and my life and my feelings- they’ll sit down and tell you in a gentle voice that you’re just stressed out and it’ll be okay, but then they don’t actually do anything to encourage that or help you be okay. they just claim to know how you feel, then insist on how you feel, then threaten you if you get mad.

i honestly hated that place so much. there’s no compassion. they try to make it homey but it’s really just throwing a blanket on how they see the patients feelings as temporary and inconsequential.

I left learning absolutely nothing. i’ve gone further with my personal therapist than i’ve ever, ever went with the facility because she actively listens, respects, and understands me.

there’s no respect in these places. none. they are for people with easily palatable anxiety and depression- if you have severe psychotic depression? you’re screwed. if you’re severely depressed and suicidal? you’re screwed. if you have constant panic attacks? you’re screwed. i mean the most basic concepts of those disorders, no room for anyone else.

anyways.

as usual, reddit has a lot of first-person experiences to check out; there’s no doubt some about psych wards. this may be non conventional, but there’s a webcomic about an inpatient facility called ‘fresh meat’ that might be useful to look at. it’s about a 17 year old with depression who has to go to a psych ward. it’s really viscerally uncomfortable in all the ways these places are, and i frankly cannot recommend it enough if you want a good idea of how those places work (the author is mentally ill themself.) it made me a little ill how well it captured the dehumanization and gaslighting, even if it’s fiction, i think it’s worth a look if you want more ideas. also check the post replies for people with their own experiences. -mod a

#psychiatric abuse tw #sex ment tw #hospitals tw #Anonymous

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clanwarrior-tumbly · 5 years

Note

The request was could you maybe write some headcannons or short ficlets for the sides s/o having misophonia

Sure! I’m not sure for Patton or Deceit so imma exempt them if that’s okie

(Also before y’all come @ my throat, I know “Teacher” is different from Logan, but I like to hc them as one and the same ^^)

……….

Logan: Back when he was just “Teacher guy” or “Teach”, he had some degree of misophonia. So he understands what his s/o is going through. He’d talk to them about seeking different treatments, reassuring them their concerns over this disorder are valid and that it doesn’t make them “crazy”.

Virgil: Noises overwhelm him, too, so he gets it. Especially if it’s so many people talking at once. But he’ll gladly lend his s/o an extra pair of headphones, specifically noise-cancelling ones for them to use if they’re stressed about the sounds around them.

Roman: Given how much he scribbles down his next idea, he feels bad when he realizes his pencils and squeaky markers are causing his s/o so much misery. So he’ll switch to quieter ink pens so they can still sit by him and give their opinion on his writings.

Remus: Learning about what misophonia is and helping his s/o experience less of its unpleasant effects is…quite a challenge for him. He was scared they’d break up with him, but instead they provide a list of the sounds that bother them most, just so he understands which ones he should avoid creating.

#clanask #anonymous #sanders sides x reader #sanders sides imagine #logan sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #remus sanders #headcanons #misophonia

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theonceoverthinker · 6 years

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OUAT 3X10 - The New Neverland

Ooh! A new episode of Once Upon a Time! I can’t wait to see what Emma, Regina, Snow, and their other com-PAN-ions are up to today!

...You laughed. You can admit it.

...Review’s under the cut. You know what to do!

Press Release

The residents of Storybrooke are overjoyed upon the return of Henry and our heroes from Neverland. But unbeknownst to them, a plan is secretly being put into place by a well-hidden Pan that will shake up the very lives of the townspeople. Meanwhile, in the Fairy Tale Land that was, Snow White and Prince Charming’s honeymoon turns out to be anything but romantic when they go in search of a mythical being that could stop Regina cold in her tracks.

Main Thoughts - Characters/Stories/Themes and Their Effectiveness

Past

Okay, so to start off, this flashback is admittedly a little pointless. Other than the theme of moments -- something so loose, it could’ve just been discussed in the present and the episode would’ve been fine as just a present events compilation -- there’s nothing that this story does to enhance the main one.

That having been said, I think it’s great! While something meatier could’ve gone here, I can’t honestly object that much when a story is just good. And the conflict between Snow and David is really solid. It’s one of those times where it doesn’t feel fully weighted in one direction. Like, we’re supposed to be on David’s side by the end of it, but Snow’s POV is completely understandable, especially after everything she’s been through (Not to mention, her confidence boost from “Lost Girl”). I like the idea of Snow being so caught up in he worries over Regina that she almost destroys her chance at happiness.

THAT having been said, I found the scene where Snow and Charming discuss turning Regina to stone to be so annoying. Charming references the flashback in “The Cricket Game,” a flashback that I LOATHE because of how much of a waste of time it is and how much of an idiot it makes Snow. And it gets worse. David says that they shouldn’t turn Regina to stone because Snow stayed her execution during that flashback when the resolution of that flashback was that Snow regretted that decision. Like, without this scene, the flashback would’ve not only been completely serviceable, but actually better for its absence!

Present

The opening of the present is just so amazingly shot. There’s this unequivocally happy tone from our mains and side characters that’s so satisfying, that for a moment, even knowing what was going on with Henry, I actually got swept up in it. It’s purely fantastic framing because you know this is exactly what they were going for.

And it kind of carries through throughout the rest of the episode. It feels like an epilogue at times, discussing resolution-y subjects like who (if anyone) will Emma end up with, establishing more of a co-parent-y relationship between Emma and Regina, curing David of his ails, having Rumple consider his future, and allowing for the minor characters to achieve their happy endings. Honestly, only when we cut to Henry do we get remember that the story is continuing, and I like it. It’s a subtle build of tension and will show just how much Pan’s curse will fuck everyone over in the next episode.

I also really liked the Emma and Regina conflict in this episode. It feels like the natural continuation of everything they’ve had to work through over the past two and a half seasons and was smartly placed just after the baby Henry flashbacks.

All Encompassing

This whole episode is the most lowkey David centric ever. Like, he’s in a supporting role, but it’s like the main supporting role. He gives out advice, he interacts with so many characters, and it’s just great! David’s character never needed to be a major major character and I feel like this episode captured the best of him.

“Moments” is the key theme of the episode. It’s interesting that the idea of moments plays more of a part in the flashback to our next episode, but I do like how the concept is introduced and implemented here. While the concept didn’t warrant an entire flashback, the idea of life having good and bad moments that just need to be felt and enjoyed when they can was a good basis for a Snow and Charming story with a good follow-through in the present with Emma. There’s a good contrast between those who can celebrate moments and someone who might not have that luxuary.

Insights - Stream of Consciousness

-The town celebration is really a thing of beauty (And kind of tragedy given that Henry’s not Henry...those Grumpy and Granny hugs are either sad as hell for that reason or funny as fuck because Pan is hugging all of these strangers and is probably realizing that his life just became a fantastical episode of Full House).

-You can tell how Jared loved every fucking second of being Pan! XD The dude lives for evil Henry!

-”That’s the last time I don’t listen to you.” ...When you can see the future, there’s irony fucking EVERYWHERE!

-You know, I just realized that Neal and Belle never had a proper introduction. For one thing, why is Belle not saying “Oh my fuck! You’re alive!” (That’s totally how she’d say it too XD ). For another, I’d have loved to see a proper introduction between the two of them. I need more Neal :( .

-Also would’ve liked the moment where Rumple ditches the cane to get a bit more umph to it. Like, that cane has been as much a part of him as the red cap is to Mario and it’s such a symbol of his cowardice that it would’ve been better to see it go.

-*Looks at a dude in a red beanie* The fuck you do to Smee, you little bitch?

-Okay, that Darling hug was fucking beautiful!

-Also, Snow giving Regina that level of cred was just beautiful! I found it to be a really good follow up to both what she saw in “Save Henry” and Regina’s harsh, but effective actions in “Nasty Habits.”

-Thoughts on how the reception went after Regina invaded the wedding? I’d like to think Snow and Charming played it cool and confident for the guests, but, like we’re seeing, were reeling on the inside.

-”Steal her magic.” Well, in one realm, you actually DO that! The results were...mixed, to say the least. BUT we got Alice, the best person ever out of the deal so it was ultimately worth it.

-So I have to wonder: If Regina hadn’t made these threats, would Snow have still wanted to go to the Summer Palace? Like, it seems to connect really well to her parents, so i could totally see Snow doing that.

-Damn. Grumpy is just the ultimate support. He’s on better terms with Charming, but is still 1000% loyal to Snow.

-Plenty of cell space?! Storybrooke needs an equivalent to juvie! Like, Felix is a villain for sure, but he’s a kid! Jail -- which in Storybrooke is basically full-on solitary confinement -- seems a little excessive.

-”As long as I’m alive, that boy will never see the light of day.” ...Yeah. About that…

-”Her name is Tinker Bell.” I actually fucking clapped. Yes, Queen! Slay and filet that shady shimmering shithead for what she did to Tink!

-”You don’t believe in yourself anymore.” FUCK YOU, BLUE. Look, I’ve said in past reviews that Blue’s not as much shady as she is the world’s strictest and assholey beauraucrat, but being that kind of person WILL merit a level of scorn. Look at that almost half smile on her face. Keegan plays that well. “How can I believe in you if you can’t even do that?” FUCK YOU!

-”I need a drink.” You and me both! Shame I can’t get a drink at 8am!

-I love that emphasis David puts on the word “threat” in the woods. He’s nagging it up!

-You know, Pan kind of got the ball rolling on Emma and Regina’s active non-animosity filled co-parenting.Give the dude a little credit.

-How is Pan so unimpressed by Henry’s room? Like, that’s a nice room! With all sorts of tech and comics and stuff! Be a little more impressed, you little shit!

-”I’ll protect you. No matter what.” And the award for the most adorable non-Regal Believer Regal Believer moment goes to… *cries*

-Prince Charming, everyone, number one causes of deforestation in the Enchanted Forest. XD

-”Are you sure you want to condemn Regina to a fate like that?” Dude, she killed Snow’s dad (Who to be fair, was pretty much shit, but you guys didn’t know it at the time), indirectly killed your mom, tried to kill you, poisoned Snow, AND ruined your wedding! I love Regina and I’m so happy she got redeemed, but at the time of this episode, being turned to stone was rather warranted.

-”Killing her wasn’t the answer.” And then she decided at the end of that episode that it was!

-”Last time, she threatened us.” No she didn’t. She regretted not causing MORE death!

-SHEEP BROS!

-Snow, David. Did you really schedule your lunch to coincide with Emma and Neal’s date? That was...bad planning. Like, you don’t even do that with Killian!

-”Does he eat with his mouth open?” Either Charming has misophonia or that was a Kristoph reference!

-Killian...I’m honestly not sure what to make with that Tink scene. On one hand, I see it as Killian trying in vain to get over Emma, but being unable to, showing that he really does love her. BUT it also comes off as a “you still have a ways to go” moment because Killian’s flirting can be a little...really off putting. I don’t know exactly what to make of that because the framing is a little wonky there.

-”Perhaps.” That having been said, the misunderstanding at Granny’s with Emma, Tink, and Killian had me laughing out loud. That one’s better at insinuating “you fucking dork.”

-YES, SHADOW! GIVE THAT BLUE BITCH A SCARE! KILLING HER MIGHT BE A TOUCH EXCESSIVE, BUT IT’S STILL PRETTY FUN TO WATCH!

-Also, this park is just beautiful. I really wish we spent more time in later seasons at these parks. Like, they’re such pretty places to have scenes instead of the pretty generic looking woods that we got in the later seasons.

-Evil Jared Gilmore cracks me the fuck up!

-Not gonna lie, a dungeon crawl like this would make for the best honeymoon ever!

-”Promise you won’t touch anything?” “Promise.” LIAR!

-”Rumple.” I love how Belle just nagged him. It’s a very Belle-like way of encouraging him to do good without making a whole speech of things.

-Okay, so even the “Entering Storybrooke” sign makes me whimper like a little bitch, too!

-Ooh! I love that Golden Swan moment! Rumple and Emma’s dynamic isn’t shown a lot, but when it is, it’s really something special. While not enough to earn it the “Favorite Dynamic” of the episode, it is incredibly cool to see Emma and Rumple come to that moment of begrudging respect and trust at the town line.

-Holy crap! The rest of the cast pulled off “Penry’s” escape from Pandora’s Box so well. Everyone immediately grows tense and grabs their loved ones. They’re actually scared shitless, a testament to how terrifying pan is.

-Damn, in hindsight, this is dark as hell. Emma has a gun to Henry’s head, and even though he’s in another body, this is a kid!

-Awww! I love Henry hugging Snow and David! We don’t always get a ton of moments of them together, so this was really special!

-I actually needed a solid minute to recover from the way that “Han” just smoothly magicked Regina. Like, that was so freakin’ fluid! “I know. That’s why this was so easy.” Pan, you bastard!

-These hugs with Henry in Pan’s body crack me up for some reason.

-I’m not sure if Storybrooke being the New Neverland is an upgrade or a downgrade. On one hand, you get all of the modern tech and indoor plumbing. On the other hand, no pixie dust and the suburbs are boring.

Arcs - How Are These Storylines Progressing?

The Mission to Save Henry - I love how in so many ways, this feels like an epilogue and then is like FUCK NO. So much comes together and it feels like everything’s winding down, but the action continues in such a fun whirlwind of a way! This whole arc has been a roller coaster and a fun one at that!

Rumple’s Redemption - “On the house.” How much you want to bet Rumple was DYING inside as he said that? “I’m sure if I ever needed a favor, you’d be more than receptive.” Rumple, my boy. You’ve come quite far, but you still have so far to go! But seriously, you do see more of how Rumple’s come into his own redemption. First, his focus is squarely on making Belle happy. Second, he does actually show that he has trust in Emma by allowing her to see what’s up with Pan.

Regina’s Redemption - We get two really great steps in showing how far Regina’s come. First, she stands up for Tinkerbell against Blue. While Regina’s had no problem standing up to Blue in the past, it’s always been for her own sake. This time, she’s standing up for Tink’s sake! The second instance is her grief that Pan fooled her. I say this because it’s so clear how at this point, she genuinely wants Henry to be with her because it’s his choice and how saddened she was by the fact that when her dream came true, it was only a lie. I love Regal Believer and seeing how much Regina’s broken that chain of abuse is something so special.

Favorite Dynamic

Emma and David. There were a lot of great dynamics on display in this episode, but I love how we got our first real David and Emma moment. Daddy Charming is one of the lesser explicitly shown dynamics on the show, but interactions like these show just how powerful it is. There’s an adorably bit of father/daughter banter between them when talking about their love life, David gives Emma solid honest-to-goodness advice that actually does come back later on in the episode, and he’s so comforting. He knows Emma’s dealt with so much and he just wants her to be happy. The scene they share provides a nice calm before the storm and shows that while Emma and David didn’t have that friendship that Emma and Snow had, they do have that strong bond.

Writer

This is Andrew Chambliss’ first solo episode! And honestly, not a bad job! Andrew did a great job balancing screen time between the eight mains and roughly eight minor characters in half an episode’s worth of time, and that’s honestly impressive! The stories themselves are relatively simpler, with the present storyline using resolution as a cleverly deceptive way of making it seem more sprawling than it is.

Rating

10/10. This is an honestly great episode. While not perfect, it provides for a lot of nice moments between characters, an underlying tenseness that is well delivered on when it’s ready for shit to get real, and a more unified Storybrooke.

Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness”

Ariel/Eric - These two are so fucking lovey dovey and their reunion is just the cutest sweetest thing ever!

Rumbelle - Like, from the second -- the SECOND -- these two see each other when Rumple gets off the ship, that’s all the other sees. They’re laser-glued to the other. And the hug is just so perf! Also, THE UP PARALLELS STARTED HERE WITH THE FUCKING TIE! I KNOW IT’S NOT THE SAME KIND OF TIE, BUT FUCK! THAT’S AMAZING! XD Also also, the scene at the shop as a whole is just so romantic. There’s a beautiful theme to it and Robert Fucking Carlyle owns my soul. Every line is just so pretty, and I say that both as a testament to the writing and Robert himself. And Emiliee is no slouch either! She’s so in love and there’s an utter sincerity to it.

Captain Swan - Killian’s decision to back off was just the sweetest. It genuinely shows how he cares for Henry and Emma and doesn’t want to pressure either of them. It doesn’t mean he won’t pursue her if she goes after him, but he wants to let the chips fall, even if they aren’t in his favor. That’s just...honestly, I love it. Killian, your looks aren’t the only devilishly handsome part of you. <3 Also, I like how Emma remarks that Killian is still an option. When David’s trying to convince her to go out with Neal, she points out that he’s trying to keep her away from Killian.

Swan Fire - Snow is just the biggest Swan Fire shipper and it’s pretty cute! Also, Neal’s way of asking Emma out was equally adorable! It takes a degree of pressure off of her and is asked in such a cute way! It’s got a nice youthfulness to it! Also, let’s talk about how sad Neal is when it looks like Emma won’t show. Also also, Emma later implies that her date with Neal would be “enjoying herself.”

Snowing - David loves the fuck out of Snow and that makes me feel all of the things! He wants to enjoy his marriage to her and wants her to be able to relax and enjoy it with him! BUT he also knows her so freakin’ well. He KNOWS when she sneaks off and is just there waiting for her (In one of the show’s most underrated funny moments). And he’s totally willing to give up his honeymoon to follow her into danger! Prince Charming, everyone! And to some extent, Snow KNEW he was gonna do that because she brought the sword. Also, the couple banter in this episode is just so en pointe! I especially love David’s speech to Snow about how he knew what he was getting into when they fell in love. And the kisses and inevitable sex at the end is just the best! And in the present, that BIG DAMN KISS once he’s cured! It’s so beautiful!

-----

Thank you all for reading and to the fab folks at @watchingfairytales!

Next time, we’re coming home! <3

Season 3 Total (96/220)

Writer’s Scores: Adam and Eddy (19/60) Kalinda Vazquez (17/40) Andrew Chambliss (27/50) Jane Espenson (10/30) David Goodman (20/40) Robert Hull (20/40) Christine Boylan (20/20)* Daniel Thomsen (20/30)

* Indicates that their work for the season is complete

Operation Rewatch Archives

#ouat #once upon a time #watching fairytales #ouat 3x10 #ouat rewatch #jenna watches ouat

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the-dragon-fried-my-homework · 5 years

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Episode 39: Infestation

1.) Did you have to start off with that sound? Really? God, I swear misophonia is such a bitch. I am getting major anxiety just from the weird level of sounds. Wiggling, wet sounds, yelling, fire extinguisher noise, etc. It’s definitely breeding fround for sensory overload.

2.) A corkscrew to remove worms? Nope. I’m out.

3.) Aw. Johnathan... D: You really need a hug. And I need a hug. I don’t like the idea of being lost and forgotten, just another mystery, either. You have such a big heart, although it’s carefully stuck into that cold hard exterior. You’re not an idiot, you’re not bad. You’re a good person, and I love you so much. (Also, I am right there with you with every statement leading you deeper and deeper down and not finding any answers.)

4.) Sasha, no... Also, poor Tim.

5.) Seriously, with the maggot noises. >,<

6.) At least everyone is okay.

7.) As much as I tell myself I am like John, the truth is that I am Martin. It’s about some time someone called John out, though.

8.) Oh my gosh. A possible backstory for John? Or not? No! Not a backstory, but honesty. I swear to goodness, cold hard characters admitting their weakness and opening up is a trope I will never not love.

9.) Did John seriously just accuse Martin of being a ghost? XD Oh, my boys. Also, Martin is so relatable. I know exactly what it’s like to want out of something but to feel trapped. Like you have to stay for everyone else, to make it better, even though it’s killing you. (Side note: Does anyone else picture Martin as a cross somewhere between Nick Frost and Ned from Homecoming?)

10.) I don’t trust Tim. Not one bit. I don’t care if nobody sees ny worms in his body, that is either panic, which is incredibly dangerous, or they went through his nostrils and are in his brain. And Sasha... the heartbreak and terror in her voice, even though she’s trying very hard to be brave. She’s trying to be strong, trying to play the skeptic.

11.) Optical illusion? Or a distortion? ;) I know the audio suddenly got weird. (Side note, this was a very bad episode to watch wearing earbuds. That scream and then ringing, the worms earlier... the sound guys had a field day with this one.)

#the magnus archives #magnus archives #infestation

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mcrmadness · 7 years

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Hmm. It’s been a while since I’ve written here all this personal shit. I don’t know if anyone cares but here we go, I need to vent and don’t know where else to write.

I feel like my head is full of thoughts that I can’t get out. It’s like the space in my head is so crowded I NEED to get most of them out but I don’t know how because I’ve already written about them to places and talked with my brother etc. but nothing feels to be enough. The thoughts just keep coming back and keep multiplying. Now I don’t mean anxiety or intrusive thoughts (even tho they’re there too occassionally) but just the normal way my brains function like from time to time. It feels bit lonely even, because I feel like I just can’t find the right person/people who could actually sit down and listen to me. Well, figuratively tho as I usually just write about these...

I do go to therapy about once in a three weeks but it ain’t enough either. It’s just one hour and I have hours and hours of stuff in my mind. It always feel like I was on a rush because I have so much stuff to say but the time limit is stressing me out. OR at that particular moment I just don’t seem to find my thoughts and I’m not sure what to talk about. Now, for a few times, I’ve written about what I feel to at least one place but I feel bit lonely and invisible because no one is writing me back. I kinda feel the need to have a conversation with someone but no one can understand me. And I still don’t know WHOSE company I need because at the same time I feel very exhausted from every conversation ever and the thought of starting a conversation with someone feels like... well, let’s just say that I feel like I’m missing that one best friend in my life and I don’t think that person exists at all; and I’m always very excited to get to know new people but am still kinda disappointed every time because no one still is what I’m looking for. Because that person doesn’t exist. And I have lots of people over the internet who I talk to but I feel overwhelmed every time I think about that. It’s like I know too many people yet I’m lacking the closest friend/s. Writing to people is like something I have to do, it has become a task even tho I do enjoy it when I get to started. My energy levels just are drained so fast if there’s other stuff happening in my life and atm I’m still studying and working (basically at the same time) so all that time that I do not study or work, I need for myself to recover and to increase my energy levels back to normal. I’m also horribly sleep deprived every day that I don’t have off because it just feels like 24 hours is not enough, if I was working 9h and to get enough sleep, I should sleep for at least 7 hours which means I’d get 8 hours of sleep and that’s way too little. I feel like I need 12 hours off after a work day. Every time I have the next day(s) off, I usually fuck up my sleeping schedule because when I know I don’t have to wake up early, I might stay up until it’s 3am or so which means I have been up for... 20 hours. And that’s totally normal for me, I might feel tired and I always start to fall asleep around 6pm and then around 11pm but after that it’s too easy to just keep going. For some reason I just can’t get myself to bed even tho I’d be very sleepy but my brains just are still way too active to ACTUALLY sleep. They can take naps like, while I’m sitting in my computer chair, yet if I start to brush my teeth too early, my brains just wake up even more and it’s like a alarm clock and not a tooth brush. And my alarm clock always makes me tired. I can never wake up to alarm clock and feel rested.

Yup. I don’t really know why I started talking about that? Anyway...

Atm I have three bigger thoughts in my head:

1. Am I lonely? I haven’t had real IRL friends since I was 15. And I’m 26 now. I still don’t know too many people. Actually just once who is not my family nor relative. But I just suck at seeing people. I never know what to do and even tho I guess I’m “secretly lonely” I just don’t see it myself because I never feel the need for socializing that much that I’d actually contact anyone. I lost most of my old friends because I just never feel like contacting them and then they just... fade away. And I’ve no sense of time. I mean, hours and days and weeks and months and years just go by and I’m not really there. I’ve been like that as long as I can remember. It was always they and not me asking if they wanted to see. I realized this when I turned 16 and actually tried to do something about it but apparently I’ve forgotten about it again. I rarely write first and I don’t want to promise anything because I never know what my mood or schedule will be for that certain day. Also I don’t really think myself as that interesting person and why to bother anyone when all I can talk about is this shit here^ which no one can understand or say anything about. It’d be just a monology anyway.

2. I’ve been watching videos of this one youtube channel and got so obsessed with it it’s one reason I have these thoughts. It just caused something inside me to wake up. Shortly, the channel is by two younger guys who make videos togehter and they’re having a blast and they laugh a lot.

I think the main reason for me to feel like this is that I’m seeing exactly what I’m missing from my life. I might talk deep stuff here and there but because I don’t have too many irl friends, I actually forget what I’m like irl and I just see the person I’m in the internet. If you met me face to face I guess you wouldn’t recognize me because I would talk this deep stuff in person. I don’t like it because I feel like I’m just being annoying and I hate it how I can’t read it from people’s faces if I’m being annoying or not. I hate it when people say “it’s okay :)” when on the inside they scream for me to shut the fuck up because they couldn’t actually give a fuck. So I usually don’t talk like that but now I’ve learned bit of small talk and as I used to be the one not talking too much, now I’ve became that pain in the ass who can’t shut up. I don’t even know what I’m talking about but I just talk and it really is getting on my nerves because I still feel like on the inside they’re still screaming for me to shut the fuck up.

Apart from that, I’ve always loved to hear laughing and also love laughing myself. I just don’t laugh aloud, it was probably my worse social phobia days when I actually teached myself to laugh silently. Now I use voice too but not so often. I love humour and my own sense of humour is weird as fuck but who cares. Also I like to make people laugh but I’m bit “shy” about it because I still don’t want all that attention even tho it would be positive. Yet it would be attention. So I don’t always say aloud what I think even tho I feel like people might laugh at it. That’s why I also also use lots of “deadpan” humour because I FEEL LIKE it’s so embarrassing to be the only one to laugh at your own joke because once I start, it’s hard to stop and I rather say it with a poker face and if people get it and laugh, then I laugh too. If they don’t, then it’s just a “nevermind” situation.

But watching those videos and how they laugh and I realized that I just need a good laugh so bad. And not like... once in a while but the ideal would be if I could laugh more or less every day. And physically laugh and not just internally and with other people. Actually just realized that I have two other people I know from work but they live in other towns, yet we had two or three previous summers together at work and those summers have always been the best times of my life because we always have so much fun and laugh a lot. Or, I laugh at them and sometimes it’s annoying me because the same old jokes every day and I laugh like it was a new one. But well, laughing is actually the only “emotion” I can show. Otherwise I never show my emotions so I often laugh even if it’d not be the best idea to laugh...

Actually the way how emotionless I am irl, or at least how emotionless I feel like, it’s another thing... because when I’m with my siblings I feel like I have lots of expressions and everything and, well, I’m very comfortable and confident about myself. But when there’s just someone else that’s not my family and that all is gone. And I’d really love to be like that with everyone, be confident and not think too sensitively about myself but I’m not sure if I can’t learn away from that because it’s also one feature of the Highly Sensitive Persons and I’m one of those... but often watching videos like those and I feel like it’d be so fun to show the world how/if I’m funny and especially if I have fun with someone else.

Once more about laughing itself: I live on my own and I rarely laugh aloud when alone. Some times I might laugh aloud at videos or something but rarely. Hearing my voice or any “new” sound done by me freaks me out when I’m alone. It has something to do with my mental health and depersonalization. I don’t like talking to myself or anything if I’m the only one hearing, it just makes me feel too surreal. (Also I think it might be some sort of misophonia because I also freak out if I make a sound via some object and can’t see it while it makes the sound. E.g. I have a loft bed and if I drop something from there and it falls under the bed where I can’t see, it causes me anxiety for a few seconds. As well as I hear sounds from other rooms. AND also loud noises make me panicky, just for those few seconds during which I can’t yet recognize where it’s coming from.)

The last thing with this one is about videos and kinda “showing off” because somewhere deep I feel like it’d be fun to kinda be the centre of attention, but as an HSP with social phobia, it’s pretty much impossible. But this is also when we get to the next huge thought: 3. My looks and depersonalisation. I don’t feel like writing about this that much any more. This is already TL;DR type of text so I try to keep this short. Let’s just say that my ideal self-image is someone who is able to change their looks and every feature at will, from gender to everything depending on whatever they’re feeling at that moment. I’m a all or nothing person so I kinda live in my fantasy world and try not to think about this too much. But you know how people with body dysmorphia might e.g. feel and see themselves very big sized when irl they would be just normal? For me it’s kinda the opposite, I feel skinnier that I really am. I’m not big sized really but all my looks... I just feel very different. And I feel that all the time and every time I’m in public or somewhere where’s other people too and if I see a mirror, it’s like someone kicked me in the head and dropped me back on earth. When passing the mirror, everything is okay again and that mirror picture person no longer exists. I don’t even see my arms or legs the way they apparently look like, when looking in the mirror. ANd I constantly tell myself that the mirror image is just fake, I can’t trust it because it’s an object and even a small curve on it’s surface makes the picture look wider or narrower. And same with cameras, they just keep lying all the time. Video would probably be more honest than just photos but... well, I can’t stand seeing the face or hearing the voice ‘cause all I can see is sack of weird features and I know exactly what’s wrong with the picture but I also know that if those were changed, it still wouldn’t be good. I just can’t stand the idea of people THINKING they’re seeing me while they talk to me when they’re actually just seeing a body and face that they THINK is me when it really is not and there’s nothing I can do about that. Except to avoid mirrors and cameras and my voice. This is bit like trans people have with their gender dysphoria but mine is not gender, so I’m no really sure if I should call this dysphoria or body dysmorphia... Anyway, this is also something I can’t really talk to my therapist about because the depersonalization attack is just so unbearable if I open my mound with this subject. First I hear the voice, then I don’t recognize it, then all I can do is focus on that weird sounding voice that’s apparently talking my thoughts through a mouth that belongs a face and body I don’t recognize as mine. And I start feeling like I’m watching myself from the third person and it’s not fun because not only is it weird but it’s also a huge set of “self-loathe” in so small amount of time. Just if you can use that word when talking about voice of features that in that very moment feel to be belonging someone who I’d never wish to be looking like.

Depersonalization attacks sometimes happen to me while I’m talking normally, in the middle of the sentence and it just feels so annoying because that’s the only thing I can focus on from so on and my head to scream that I should stop talking because how fricking weird it feels and sounds, but it’d be even weirder if I just stopped talking in mid-sentence so I usually keep talking but I feel like I probably look bit lost and something that could probably be desrcibed and dissociating.

So yeh. All these three combined and it’s the mess I have in my head atm. But hey, I already feel much better and fresher. Maybe these will stay more in the background know? At least for a while...

#personal shit #me #mental health #self #just had to vent

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