#with my wh*re experiences and life.

[critterbitter]

re: your thoughts on legendaries (which is very cool and based) what’s your take on the differences between legends:arceus giratina and platinum giratina, especially since you defined them as hating the world? specifically the bit where giratina (at least seemingly) actively defended the world from cyrus trying to destroy it, after trying to do the same thing with volo’s help centuries prior?

Weird ghost worm upon yee (AND MORE ART BELOW CUT!)

Anyways, here’s my mad ramblings about Giratina and Arceus’s backstory.

Tldr: Giratina’s a conglomerate of angry souls scorned by Arceus.

(Here’s the playlist. It’s all about worms.)

How it Started.

The original one has chosen favorites over the passage of time. Heroes, legends, protagonists…

Arceus intervenes for those it loves, and the consequences of a god touching the mortal world is devastating in its entirety. One act of divine intervention causes entire civilizations to collapse. One whispered suggestion drives an entire legacy insane.

So Arceus, paralyzed by its love for the mortal world, acts very little, learning from its mistakes. Apathy soaks through every motion. And thus is the way of the world.

But people love the Originator. Religions are born from Arceus’s rare deeds, and generation on generation taught its benevolence. Imagine spending your entire life chasing after that golden light. Imagine knowing its real and there, and it loves you.

Imagine begging it for help, and seeing it turn away when you need it most.

I think those people would feel very abandoned indeed, if they spent their lives worshipping, and receiving no response at all.

Giratina is born from the abandoned, the lost, and the angry. They’re a hundred thousand souls who’s adoration turned to spite. They’re an entity who demands for Arceus to look at them, so they can finally rest.

Arcues can not look at them in full, because if it does Giratina will fade.

(Scio, beloved. For I can not let you go.)

So the Original One banishes the Unwanted Beast into the distortion world, and Giratina seethes, and starves, and screams.

(Here are two truths about the Beast Between Dimensions—

1. Some part of them still loves Arceus. Arceus is their anchor, after all— the sole reason why they exist, why they are. But Arceus can not love it back in a way that matters, and that hurts.

2. Giratina is made of a thousand voices. Some of these voices remember that there’s a world above. They miss it.)

Why Giratina attacked Hisui in PLA:

PLA Giratina’s not a new god, but they’re very, very bitter and barely coherent on a good day. Volo serves as a conduct to help unite the broiling mass of ghosts against Arceus, and thus Giratina’s hatred overcomes any flickering affections they have for the land.

It doesn’t help that Arceus intervened for Hisui, sending Akari to directly stop Volo from summoning Giratina.

(As for Volo, well.

Imagine being a child who was thrown into the future due to Palkia and Dialga’s fits, who learned his people (his world) no longer exist beyond a shadow in the history books and a single, bitter lore keeper.

Volo doesn’t remember his original culture beyond vague imprints and singing praises to Sinnoh, but he knew he was loved, and he knew his family is dust four hundred years in the past. There’s a special sort of rage in him that echoes Giratinas.)

(Why did you abandon my people, Arceus? What kind of god are you, to leave those who love you so callously behind?)

(Maybe some part of Giratina recognizes Volo, beyond a feeling of kinship.

Maybe some part of Giratina grieves because it recognized the child Volo was.)

When Volo gets his pound of flesh, (when he realizes Arceus is not beholden to him, that the inherent alien morality Arceus holds is not a personal slight), Giratina will finally rest.

Anyways what I’m trying to say is: Arceus is never a person, but a nebulous embodiment of the connection shared between pokemon and humans. It tries to experience what it’s supposed to embody, but millennia of watching people be and cease has given it choice paralysis, apathy, and a hoarding issue. If something lasts forever next to it? Good.

Giratina was once a person. (Correction, a LOT of persons.) They don’t think very linearly either, but they have context on mortal matters and are thus the more benevolent and malicious of the two. One day, time will smooth them into something like Arceus. We can only hope the two keep each other in check.

THE DIFFERENCE OF LEGENDS ARCEUS GIRATINA VS PLATINUM PEARL GIRATINA

If the ancient version of giratina is an angry conglomerate of ghosts scorned by Arceus, the modern iteration of Giratina’s a creature that’s more settled in its skin and more assured in its duties. Giratina still has beef with Arceus, but they unionized into one being who’s love of the mortal world has triumphed over its ancestral grudge. One might even postulate they have shifted their anchor from Sinnoh the god, to Sinnoh the place.

((We call this character developement. Good for you, weird ghost worm!))

(((FULL DISCLOSURE, VOLO BEING FROM THE PAST IS INSPIRED FROM FOXFALL. You know. The fic that got me into this fandom. Please give it some love.)))

#critterbitter screams into the void #pokemon #ask #mailbox #Giratina and arceus #man #might be subject to change but mmm #thinking about how pokemon canonically has ghost moshpit pokemon #looking at spiritomb #and pallosand #ghost pokemon are weird #oops! would you look at that! #chandelure and giratina as foils (they both have anchors who willingly and unwillingly abandon them) #giratina #arceus #pla lore #pla #art #sketchbook #myart #not submas related (but still worth the brainrot) #volo mention #pokemon art #giratina redesign #legendary pokemon

[nonbinaryspy]

Meta: Elincia's Trolley Problems

Elincia's arc comes into sharpest relief when you consider both PoR and RD together. From living a sheltered life as a secret princess, to watching her parents get killed as her country is invaded, to eventually rising to the challenge of her unexpected role as queen, she has to deal with important decisions at every turn. Every action she takes is out of love for Crimea's people and a desire to secure them safe and happy lives. But what happens when she has to choose between the life of a loved one and the future of the overall populace? Both PoR and RD test this with narrative beats that form a perfect mirror, ultimately reflecting Elincia's development.

Path of Radiance

Throughout PoR, Elincia has been separated from her usual support network, particularly her retainers. After returning to Crimea, she finally finds them—however, in chapter 24, before she is able to reunite with Geoffrey, he is left behind to fend off Daein troupes so that Elincia can escape. Elincia is naturally horrified.

Bastian: Geoffrey's acting as a decoy. You must continue on this road to the southwest. Lucia: So the enemy's found us, eh? Lucia: Nothing to do about it but change course. I'll lead you to another hiding place. Elincia: Wh-what are you saying, Lucia? We must help Geoffrey! Bastian? Lucia: Luck was not with us, Princess. We have no choice. We'll have to abandon our companions in Castle Delbray. Elincia: No!! We will not!! Geoffrey and the others have survived so much already... I will not abandon them! Lucia: Princess, please understand. If we could do so without danger to you, we would gladly risk our lives to go back. Elincia: We cannot do this! Please, Lucia! We must go to the castle! ...Bastian! You must not do this thing! Bastian: Geoffrey is a knight. In the name of our friend's honor, Princess, you must escape. Elincia: No... No! They've survived this long! They're alive! NO!!!

When Ike gives her the chance to instead save Geoffrey, she affirms that this is what she wants.

Elincia: Yes. I don't want... I don't want anyone else to be sacrificed.

Lucia and Bastian respect her wishes and agree to help Geoffrey, at which point she is able to get her feelings across.

Elincia: Because the two of you think to put me above all else, you say you will sacrifice your lives for me. Yet... Even if I'm able to borrow of Ike's strength and win back Crimea... If the cost of that victory is the lives of the two of you, I shall never smile again. And joy? Never again would that emotion fill my heart...

Elincia is a leader, but she's also a person—one who never asked for this role. Until recently, she has not had to make decisions that would affect the future of a whole country, as opposed to only living within her personal sphere. In fact, the main political decision made re: her life—the decision to keep her birth secret—was made for her. She has already lost her parents and, as far as she knows, her beloved uncle.

Since then, her choices have all been for the sake of Crimea. In reality, she has had little choice in how to go about that goal, considering she has been fleeing for her life while at the whims of Begnion politics. Being able to return to Crimea and reunite with her retainers is the first time she has been running toward, rather than away, from something, and still part of that goal is being held from her reach. Nothing will stop her from working hard for Crimea, but individual losses will still give her permanent grief. So here, she finally takes a stand against the choices other people try to make for her, and insists on protecting her loved ones and regaining some of what she lost.

What happens next depends on the player, but considering her retainers are alive in RD, the duology's canon here is that they all survive this fight. Due to Elincia getting her feelings across, her loved ones are saved, and the campaign continues.

After this experience, the cost of individual lives in war is hammered home, and Elincia decides it's not enough to order others to keep her retainers safe. Regaining her inherited pegasus and sword, she takes to the field despite the mixed feelings of her retainers.

Elincia: Even though I'm dressed like this, I have no experience, and do not expect to fight as well as the rest of you. But…this constant waiting behind and doing nothing…it sets my heart beating with such unease I fear it may burst. Even if I cannot fight, I could use a staff to heal the wounded. If I could save just one soldier, it would mean so much to me.

This quote shows her resolve and compassion, but it also shows that she still lacks experience and confidence, especially when it comes to conflict. Despite being trained in swordplay, she instead emphasizes her ability to heal, and sets a fairly low bar for what her contribution will mean. Although, given that this plot demonstrates the importance of saving an individual life, maybe I shouldn't call it a low bar. Either way, at this point, there is still plenty of room for her to grow and change, and RD will challenge her to due so.

Radiant Dawn

Part two of Radiant Dawn focuses on Ludveck attempting to usurp Elincia's throne by stirring up reactionary attitudes toward her policies, specifically with regards to her alliance with Gallia, to threaten civil war and pressure her into giving up her throne. Because she fears the conflict that could come out of taking direct action against a noble, and because his followers are also citizens of Crimea for whom she feels responsible, she approaches the situation carefully. Ludveck takes advantage of this hesitance to eventually kidnap Lucia.

Once again, one of the Delbray siblings is in peril, and this time, as Crimea's queen, Elincia does not need to convince anyone to save her. Instead, she takes to the field herself. As with PoR, she had not immediately done so—in this case, because of the delicacy the situation called for. But with Lucia's life at risk and Ludveck's forces at Elincia's door, she decides the time for delicacy is past.

Elincia: “Lucia… Lucia, I’m sorry. Somehow, I promise you… I will save you!” ... Elincia: “…Very well. I must prepare as well. I had hoped this day would never come… Amiti, the treasured blade of House Crimea, will awaken from its long slumber.”

Unlike in PoR, rather than focusing on her healing ability, she mentions Amiti. She no longer needs to make disclaimers or doubt the importance of her role commanding the field. The wording of "I had hoped this day would never come" and "awaken from its long slumber" emphasize that she has already been through the horrors of war once, and never wanted to again. She despises violence, but she is resigned to doing what she must.

Despite holding out against Ludveck's forces and throwing him in the dungeon, she is not able to do anything about his trump card. With Lucia as hostage, he tries to use her life as a bargaining chip for his release, as well as the country. After the incident in PoR, where her retainers saw their own lives as disposable, she convinced them to realize how valuable they were to her. So with the Delbray siblings' situations reversed, Geoffrey now asks Elincia to save Lucia.

Geoffrey: “…Your Majesty, you can’t… You have to let me do something about this.” Elincia: “…” Geoffrey: “Lucia would willingly die fighting for her country, I know… But you have to help her, Elincia. If you were in her position, she would surely do the same. Please, just give the word.”

Again, Elincia is at the point where she is taking action herself instead of entreating others. Rather than order him to do anything, Elincia visits Ludveck in what is one of the most defining scenes of her arc. The non-extended version is below as I think it gets the point across quite well, but there are more dialogue beats in the extended version.

Ludveck: “Queen Elincia, you’re so naive. Cold and callous decisions are sometimes required of a nation’s ruler. …I was testing you. We all wanted to know if our queen would have the power to stop a civil war.” Ludveck: “But, no, you were too hesitant and too concerned about harming the people… Now look what has happened. The rule of Crimea cannot be kept in your hands! Please, Your Majesty! You must abdicate and cede the crown to me!” Ludveck: “And considering Lady Lucia’s life is on the line, you haven’t much choice. Now, let’s have you free me from this prison cell, and then we can discuss any further details…” Elincia: “I don’t think so.” Ludveck: “What?! Are you truly willing to sacrifice Lady Lucia?!” Elincia: “…Lord Ludveck, all your dissatisfaction and misgivings about me are well founded. However, do you realize how many lives you’ve simply thrown away?! Strength without compassion does not a ruler make. You care nothing for the people, sir. You cloak your desire to rule with pretty speeches, but it is petty avarice nonetheless!” Ludveck: “…So this is how it shall be? Very well… But Lady Lucia cannot be spared without my order.” Elincia: “Allowing you to plant the seeds of rebellion and play havoc with the lives of my people is a failure for which I must answer. But I will see Crimea through this trial. I will give my people the future they deserve, no matter the cost.”

Ludveck patronizes Elincia for her compassion while pretending he has the citizens' best interests at heart, but Elincia doesn't bow to his demands. She maintains her compassion along with her resolve. However, no matter how caring someone is, the fact of the matter is that decisions that help even a great deal of people still come with consequences. Elincia realizes this, and is prepared to make that sacrifice while taking responsibility—even though, as she said in PoR, she "shall never smile again."

In the beginning of PoR, Elincia lost almost everything in one fell swoop. When she was finally reunited with her retainers, the thought of sacrificing even one of them was unbearable, even if it could potentially have derailed her goal to retake her country from an invading tyrant. Now, though, she is in a position of greater power, and she is fully aware of the responsibility that comes with it. Compared to PoR, where she was so often at the mercy of others, the only thing tying her hands now is the threat to Lucia. Of course, Lucia is immensely important to her, but after spending three years working to rebuild Crimea, nothing can convince her to let it again fall to ruin under another power-hungry leader.

Thankfully, Lucia's life and Elincia's smiles are saved, thanks to Bastian secretly calling in the Greil Mercenaries. Despite her resolve, Elincia's conflicting priorities are still apparent, as in the extended version (translation on Serenes Forest provided below) she expresses wonder at her decision. As for her retainers, though their feelings on how she should handle such situations have shifted over time, they don't begrudge her decision.

Elincia: “…When Lucia was captured… It was as if I lost my other half. Even now, seeing her by my side, I feel so strange… Wondering how, at that time, I could make the decision to abandon her…” Lucia: “Lady Elincia…” Elincia: “Still… If the same scenario occurred… I believe I would make the same decision. Lucia’s life is important, but it’s not on the same scale as protecting the country. As the Queen of Crimea, I must accomplish my duty to the country foremost.” Lucia: “Of course. Seeing Lady Elincia being able to make this decision, it truly makes me happy. As if I would hate you.” Geoffrey: “My thoughts exactly.” Elincia: “Lucia, Geoffrey… I value your lives more than even my own. But it’s my duty to protect this country, even if that means losing you. I’ve learned a lot from all of this. I hope to keep them out of harm’s way, and I’ll never make the same mistakes again.”

By the end of this section, the bulk of Elincia's arc is complete. She has decided what matters to her and what she will do as queen when put into high-pressure situations. She resolves the situation by deciding to be openly harsh in punishing Ludveck's followers despite the fact that it will gain ire toward her, as refusing to do so before gave him the opening he needed. She has decided to be uncompromising in the face of reactionary politics. Not everyone in Crimea will agree with her decisions, but those closest to her will never waver in their loyalty, to the extent that they are both willing to live and die for her. It's no wonder that, as her epilogue says, "Her reign was remembered as a golden age."

Conclusion

Because I touched on the topic of Elincia's agency and how she maneuvers within the limits of it, I want to give a brief shout-out to her actions in part three. She is Gallia's ally and does not want any more bloodshed in her lands. However, due to Begnion exercising its imperial power, she cannot fully stop its army from entering her lands in pursuit of the laguz alliance. The action she ultimately takes, dropping her weapon in between the opposing armies and essentially daring them to murder a queen of a country with whom they're both allied, all without betraying her own nonviolent ideals, is an unparalleled power move.

Getting back to Elincia's trolley problems, what I find interesting is that though Elincia's decisions are different in PoR and RD, neither game condemns her for her choices. She cares for both the mass of strangers that comprise her kingdom and the loved ones who she's spent her life beside. Her situation in each game is different, so she handles each situation differently in ways that make sense given her roles, pressures, and motivations.

FE in general, and Tellius in particular, asks the characters and players to care about the fates of individual lives as well as whole worlds. Both PoR and RD present the question of what someone would or should do when these personal and political goals conflict, without giving one black-and-white answer. Elincia's arc is just one impactful example of this.

As for me, I'm not gonna lie—though Elincia doesn't have the option to reset the game whenever someone dies, I probably always will.

#fire emblem #tellius #fe9 #fe10 #elincia #elincia ridell crimea #elincia fire emblem #lucia fire emblem #geoffrey fire emblem #path of radiance #radiant dawn #anyway I'm still yodeling about her finally getting a legendary. in the same year as her ascended alt even!

[arysguide]

a song a week: #8

I went to Emo Night yesterday and it dislodged a lot more teenage angst than I was prepared for. I'll be honest, I enjoy the music but it's not that nostalgic for me. I wasn't really that type of emo growing up. As a little girl I misguidedly really wished I could be scene, and I tried teasing my hair and spraying it with hairspray but it didn't accomplish anything, because I wasn't allowed to take a razor to it and give myself bangs. As a teen I was actually a lot more into Tyler the Creator, I listened to some Panic! At The Disco, then got into extreme metal, and I only really got the hype around My Chemical Romance after I graduated high school. So basically I'm a poser, but today I'm gonna talk about a song that some people consider emo:

(WOW) I Can Get Sexual Too - Say Anything (2003)

I only heard this song very recently and I've become obsessed with it. Somehow it felt instantly familiar, even though I'm certain I had never heard of it before.

This is douchebag music. In the mid-2000s it seems like acts from across the musical spectrum were trying to out-edge each-other with blatantly sexual and frankly misogynistic lyrics - but emo and pop punk bands got a particular reputation for overly whiny songs about women. At the same time it was tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic or, or, ironic, right? It's actually really funny and clever if you think about it, right? Because it's self-aware, that makes it almost kind of cute, no? For reference, see The Curse of Curves by Cute Is What We Aim For (2006), or Panic! At The Disco's Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off (2005).

It wasn't just emo - check out any of the songs 3OH!3 released around this time. (I'll admit it - watching the music video for STARSTRUKK (2008) for the first time was a life-changing experience for me.) Blink-182's influence on the pop landscape surely had a lot to do with this development, here's a really good video about that by Trash Theory. And then of course there's the kings of self-deprecating rock, Weezer (dubbed losercore down bad music by NeoPunkFM).

Of course there's nothing new under the sun, there's plenty of classic rock songs about vapid and naive young women, sometimes explicitly about underage girls or groupies, countless songs about how libidinous and reckless young men are. What sets this wave of mid-2000s pop punk apart is the nudge and wink at social commentary - now you can dance along to a song about acting like a total dirtbag and giving into your basest impulse, but it's not "real", it's a caricature and not meant to be taken seriously. Sex still sells, but these bands had something to say about it. Sort of. By 2013, multiple articles had been written on this phenomenon of 'hipster sexism' - "also known as ironic sexism or liberal sexism, 'hipster sexism' is the notion that if sexism done is tongue-in-cheek it's okay, even hilarious (Kelsey Wallace for BitchMedia)." A lot of women weren't keen on laughing along because a lot of these dudes turned out to be card-carrying misogynists. It wasn't even just the men, plenty of songs of this era are by women about… how vapid or slutty other women are. (See Paramore's Misery Business (2007), complete with calling someone a wh*re, and a music video in which Hayley Williams grabs another woman's chicken filets right out of her bra and wipes off her makeup.) There was a hateful and resentful edge to it that seems like a bastardisation of the genre's distant punk roots. Plenty of better writers than me have explored the way that celebrity and tabloid culture of this time resulted in a media landscape that was intensely objectifying and hateful towards women, full of contradictions.

Let's back this up - how is any of this related to the song this post is about? I'm trying to figure that out myself.

Being familiar with the music I mentioned above, that's what I automatically associated this with. But it actually came out before any of those, in 2003. Is it really douchebag music? Or just a song that happens to be about a douchebag?

It's so catchy, and it paints a picture, it's funny but really dark: this guy knows he's pursuing a girl he doesn't care about, because he's bored, and he's willing to lie just to get what he wants - oh brother, this guy STINKS! I love that it's explicitly about phone sex, and the line about "chatting on the interweb," it feels quaint now. I also love the irreverence of : "When she described her underwear, I forgot all the rules the rabbi taught me in the old shul." Here's a great article on the Yiddishkeit of Say Anything. In fact, the song Alive With The Glory of Love is inspired by Bemis' grandparents who survived the Holocaust.

In contrast to some of the less lyrically-inspired songs that came after it, it's a lot more about how heartless and empty the guy is, rather than making the girl the butt of the joke. In short, it's actually good satire. If you're not convinced it's meant to be self-deprecating satire, the rest of the album 'Is A Real Boy' will beat you over the head with it for 21 tracks straight. … And maybe listening to it too much is making me meaner. The track 'Admit It!' lampoons the hipster attitude mercilessly, while indicating that the singer realises he's really no better than them. Too bad the hipsters didn't get the message. Being sincere and wholesome was out of vogue for, like, the next decade. At least now, years later, we can admit we enjoy cute cats, craft beers and retro music un-ironically without making a whole production about it.

All that being said, something a lot more important has shifted in the meantime. Misogyny is decidedly uncool now, at least as far as mainstream pop is concerned. The late 2010s pop landscape seemed to be all about feminist and #girlboss moments. The 2017 #MeToo movement caused a lot of people in the entertainment industry to re-examine their role in creating an environment that is safe (or unsafe) for women. Jesse Lacey of Brand New was accused of sexual misconduct against an underage girl, which he did not deny. In light of that, Max Bemis chose to retire this song, writing on Twitter "It may speak partially of my flaws but it's mostly a sarcastic caricature of someone i've never been at all and is no longer appropriate during this crisis", "we all need to care more, respect women more, respect ourselves more and GIVE A SHIT" and finally: "On a lighter, but direly important note, i don't want to hear about not hearing that song for the FIVE BILLIONTH time this tour from us because it's not REALLY on is a real boy. it now belongs to you, official emo night. go have fun." (For the full thing see this AltPress article.)

So where does that leave us? If even Max Bemis himself disavowed this song, why am I still so compelled by music like this? Does that make me a bad feminist? Is it an internalised misogyny thing? Yeesh. I'm still not totally sure. There's something fascinating to me about the vulgar display of selfishness in this song - it feels like the ultimate taboo. Everything about the way I've dealt with sex and relationships is incredibly neurotic, so there's something cathartic about pretending to be someone without any of those hangups for 3 minutes at a time. It confronts me with my own impulses towards selfishness, and ways I've been selfish in relationships in the past. It's a cautionary tale that works both ways: a) there's something seductive about the idea of behaving so recklessly but you better be prepared for the guilt that comes with it, and b) if I was the girl in this song I would really despise this guy.

These YouTube comments express it a lot more succinctly than I have:

At this rate I'll be heading for electric chairs I'm only human with my cross to bear When she described her underwear I forgot all the rules my rabbi taught me in the old shul You're too young to be this empty girl I'll prepare you for a sick, dark world Know that you will be my downfall But I call, and I call, and I call

For a longer and more informed discussion of some of the things I mentioned: check out The Misogyny of Third Wave Emo and Pop Punk on the Podcast 'Stuff Mom Never Told You'.

#Youtube #say anything #emo #2000s emo #third wave emo #pop punk #hipster sexism #asongaweek

[cosaslocasdeunafangirl]

Hi could you do something about desire where the reader stayed a sleep while morpheus was imprisoned then desire invaded the readers dream and they fell in love similar to what happened to unity in the show I’m curious to how life with desire really was while she slept

Desire is not my favorite character of the endless (But well...Let's give him a chance for once.) And first, English is not my first language, I hope you don't mind. And second, I'm a wh*re for fluff/angst.

Words: 753

Warnings: Drama/ Fluffy/angst

Characters: Desire x F!Reader

1.

Dearest desire

I knew you were there, in the shadows, with eyes tawny and sharp as yellow wine, watching me silently, while I washed away the dirty on my favorite dress.

I was twelve years old when the sickness hit me one night… You know how it goes, right?

A lonely little girl, living in a dreaming world she learned to call home.

2.

I was nineteen when you give me my first kiss.

There was no love in your eyes, or warm in your touch,

but I was in heaven anyway.

I still remember the thing you said to me after, when your hand caressed my right cheek and my body felt like Jell-O:

"Dear mine, what a sight for sore eyes."

If I wasn't the foolish woman

That I am… I would have asked you why.

Maybe, you would have answered me then.

3.

I was twenty-one when I missed my real parents.

Sadly, I haven't been able to tell the difference between the fake ones in the dreaming world.

And that night, I begged you to hug me for a little while.

Dearest Desire,

Your bright yellow eyes finally… were kind for once.

And I understood at that moment why you have a sin for a name, when your skin met my skin and ours lips searched for one another.

Love was what we did.

I refuse to believe otherwise.

4.

I was twenty-five when the house that my parents gifted me

felt too damn big for me alone.

I asked you to live with me.

But Desire belongs to no one, I should have known better.

"Don't make that face, butterfly." you pouted before kissing me.

Not even two days later, you accepted my request.

I still don't believe you really did that, not even now.

5.

I had all of you to myself for five more years.

Day and night.

From breakfast to dinner

again,

again,

and again.

But all this time, you,

my dearest desire

stayed the same.

The one getting old was me.

I was a foolish woman, remember?

I Should have dreamed of me being immortal, too.

6.

When I was thirty years old

and the new things were no longer new things

sex became a routine.

The house bored you to death,

and my kisses did too.

That was when you have the idea of having a kid.

So I said, "No more than two."

7.

When I was Forty-seven,

and our daughter, seventeen

you, my dearest Desire

still young and beautiful,

confessed to me for the first time

how much you love, and cherished the things we did

together in all these years.

"Why are you telling me…"

"Shh… It's a secret between you and me, butterfly."

It felt like a farewell.

Hell, It has one, at least for a while.

8.

I was fifty-nine when you came back.

All my angry yells,

throwing out plates and fury, passed too quickly

for my own good.

Perhaps it was because the house felt too empty

without our daughter here.

Perhaps I missed you a ton.

I don't know, dear...

I'm not the same as I was before.

You kissed me then, softly,

and I felt in heaven.

Exactly the same way years ago, when I was nineteen,

and you kissed me for the first time.

"It's not fair" I said looking at you.

"Desire never is, butterfly."

And dammit, I missed that childish nickname.

9.

We made love one last time.

You embraced me like I was your whole world.

I was old and wrinkled, but you didn't seem to care.

My dearest Desire,

people may say it wasn't love,

that It was a funny experiment…me and our daughter.

Doesn't matter.

I will love her for the two of us, if necessary.

"Goodnight." I murmur on your ear at last.

"Night, butterfly." You kiss my front head, and close your eyes.

10.

I'm sixty-five years old when the dream is over.

And you, my dearest Desire,

is not here to take my hand on the awake world.

Strangely enough, I have a real daughter,

and grandsons to love.

But sometimes, when I'm alone

and I hear nothing but silence,

I feel eyes tawny and sharp as yellow wine

on my back…

Longing the same way I do.

However, when I turn around, there's just shadows and walls instead.

"Where I touch, things want and need and love…" Desire said to me a long time ago.

And maybe, them felt the same with my touch too.

#sandman #the sandman #desire #desire x reader #desirexF!reader #desire x F!reader #desire the endless #netflix #fanfic #poetry maybe? #sorry my english #desire of the endless

[fatedprincess]

eternasci asked: 🔑🎾☎️ !! MY EXPERIENCE IN THE ROLEPLAYING COMMUNITY * send me a symbol and i'll tell you...

🔑 my favorite type of threads

since this has been asked a couple times , i will just say that i am a fluff enjoyer. i feel like everyone talks about angst , smut , or any other type of writing .. but fluff .. ? fluff is amazing. i have always felt very safe with sweet wholesome threads and i (regularly) write sweet and wholesome muses .. so , it kinda just is my thing i think. i don't feel like fluff threads get appreciated as much as the other options. don't get me wrong , i am the BIGGEST ship wh*re on the planet , but i'm talking about those really genuine moments between two muses that just tug at your heart strongs yk. it doesn't even have to be romantic. fluff can be totally platonic and still be the most wholesome stuff you've ever seen.

🎾 what type of genre of roleplay i prefer to write

i'm a sucker for romance. like i said previously and what i'll probably reiterate in these answered posts , i'm a lover of ships. the sweet ships though. the ones where characters have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend before. that's totally haru. she is just learning about what it means to like someone since she is so young yk. so idk, i guess going back to my favorite type of threads , i really like the super wholesome shit rkfgjfkf

☎️ my first character i ever roleplayed

HAHA ohhh .. this is actually not something i expected FOR SOME REASON. i'm very glad you asked though. so i started on youtube as aeri.th g.ainsborough from f.inal f.antasy. she is also my longest running muse. i don't touch the community anymore though with a ten foot pole because TRAUMA. we all have it yk. but. yeah , it was fun while it lasted !! she is my all time favorite character and that still stands. even if the trauma is there , you don't want it to ruin your fav character. a.erith also helped me through a lot of very difficult points in my life. she was possibly the first character that helped me feel seen since i was kinda different like her. this is all kinds of rambly idk if i'm making since and i hope i'm not sounding too negative with it but. yeah !! i have great memories to look back on if anything.

#eternasci #❀ * || 𝚒𝚖 𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛. ( answered ) #[ thank u love !!

[tofuless]

I appreciate y'all who seem to like Sya's redesign so much (tbh if you want to see his older design I'm 88% certain it's probably on my other blog. I can't remember lol), so have a random info dumb on my boy

He's known as the Angel of Chaos

He's actually a human made entity. Created by someone who sought to make the perfect life form, only they weren't satisfied with how Sya turned out, stating he was too chaotic and hard to control, and dubbed him a failed specimen.

Sya totally didn't kill his creator oop-

Because of this, he's adopted the mindset that "Chaos is Perfection".

Sya is a massive flirt and tease.

Like, he finds so much entertainment in messing with others.

Hell you can say he's a creature of entertainment cause its what he's always searching for. Boredom and chaos don't mix after all.

Sya appears friendly and sweet at first, but often uses a facade of innocence and compassion to lure people in close for him to sink his claws into.

Guess you could say he's a devil disguised as an angel~

He originally had two wings, but the second had been ripped off during an incident, and Sya just decided he didn't care enough to regenerate it.

Has a strange habit of attempting to suck people's blood after learning about Vampires. Is definitely not one but just let him imagine it for now, it makes him happy.

Under his attire, Sya has ballpoint doll joints on his limbs, given his body was originally mannequin-like when he was first created.

Strangely loves mice and rats. Claims it's cause he relates to being experimented on

But it might also be because rodents tend to have large families which he finds appealing since Sya never had a family to begin with

Bit of a psychopath.

Will go from his usual teasing and flirting to temperamental to down right delusional in the blink of an eye.

Seriously don't provoke him, he will burn down reality if given the chance.

He often makes a strange clicking noise in the back of his throat whenever he's relaxing. No one knows what that sound is or why he makes it but some have dubbed it as him "purring"

Massive attention wh×re. Loves when people pay attention to him and has this delusional perspective in regards to love (yeah he's a bit of a yandere for sure)

His other nicknames consist of: The Jester, Chaos, Rat Lord, and Stupid Pigeon (you're welcome for that last one)

Don't even ask what his body count is by now, he can manipulate reality after all as someone who exists within the multiverse

#Oc #Original character #Original #Fantasy character #Sya #Angel of Chaos #Info dump #Long post #Tw: eyes #Tw: eyestrain #Multiversal oc

[practicalmagicintuitions]

Hello!

I have always admired your position on the whole HC situation, even after all the pictures and the lousy "apology" on a tabloid website, you did not fall for it like a lot people have. Also, you are not shying away from pointing mistakes on both sides, this is mature. I find it interesting that the people who were running fan blogs for Henry, and posting about his life, jobs, and news did not fall for this "relationship" either, they truly are interested in Henry as an actor. What I do not understand, is that why does she have dedicated fans and accounts posting on a daily basis to cover her taglist. Literally, every single day there is a new post. These people, who basically their entire love for H is for his looks, they don't post about his interest or anything other than his body. One off them made a cringy edit for NV's birthday and she apparently liked it, this girl literally freaked out, she even sent the most embarrassing "Open Letter" for NV thanking her for making Henry "happy". This is truly embarrassing for them and gives second hand embarrassment. But WHY does she have literal fans? I cannot comprehend the idea. They even brag about NV sleeping with Henry, this is truly disturbing. And btw all of these pregnancy/ marriage rumours are started by them. I just want this to be over. STANS as Eminem described them.

Thank you so much! I appreciate it a lot. It's very important not to be delusional even if you are a fan. For example, it's nothing wrong with to fancy an actor because he is good-looking, you don't have to validate this by proving he is the next Al Pachino and deNiro combined. You can like a less talented actor just because he is an eye candy.

Probably I didn't fall for his apology because I am not 20 anymore and have my own life experience on top of that I can read people easily (if I want, of course, I lied to myself in the past not once)

"What I do not understand, is that why does she have dedicated fans" I discovered just days ago that even Meghan Markle's mother has fan blogs... There is no limit if someone wants to fan over someone even if they are absolutely unfit for admiration. I think psychologically this is like what I mentioned above. It's about validation. Because if you stan someone and he ends up with someone questionable a fan mindset has 2 options. : Make this woman some horrible wh*re who put a spell on that innocent man, and misled him OR make her an exquisite, exceptional someone who is so unique that she is a proper fit for the idol they stan ( and who doesn't exist outside of the fans head). Both are about answers and some sort of closure. The human mind loves proper endings ( meaning getting answers to a question and not hanging out there).

All of these "she is sleeping with him not you" or " you are just jealous" arguments are incredibly silly and shows me those stans are teenagers or adult but the teenage mentality and lack of relationship experience and some of them possibly not healthiest mentally.

If you are at a certain maturity level you know your happiness doesn't depend on some famous guy and his girl. Yes, it could be fun talking about them or analyzing them etc but all of this is just for fun and entertainment, like the business they are in. It's not your real life. Sooner the hardcore fans understand this the better.

[escapaldi]

Re, the latest US Supreme Court idiocy: I wish that every time a Bible-twisting cosplayer was handed the right to deny others theirs that the word Christian was not used to describe them. They are frankly incapable of even attempting to follow one of the most basic rules of Christianity (love thy neighbor) and are honestly just using the intangibility of faith to lie their way into the ability to be an asshole without repercussions. Not only that, but they are extremely un-American for wanting to enshrine these false beliefs into law and the Constitution, which increasingly blurs the line between Church and State that they only seem to bring up when they’re upset that they need to meet on Zoom or else they’re at significantly higher risk of catching a plague they refuse to be vaccinated against as though someone did not make that vaccine with their God-given talents. The Lord gave us people of all walks of life so that we may truly understand Him and instead people spit on it. Why would He give us LGBT+ folks if we weren’t meant to strive to figure out how to care for them and let them thrive in a society of love? They can love God just as much as any cishet person--possibly even more than, if you’ll allow--and to theoretically deny someone something as inconsequential as a wedding website? For being gay? It makes me want to SCREAM.

The fact this is coming on the tail end of Pride is not lost on anyone. I’m sure there’s plenty in my archdiocese who would call me a bad or cafeteria Catholic for thinking that LGBT+ folks shouldn’t be denied service based on “freedom of religion” or “freedom of speech”. Well, guess what? Not only is the Lord disappointed in how you treat other humans He made in His image, but the Founding Fathers are spinning in their graves because of how severely you misinterpreted those freedoms. It means the State can’t throw you in jail for being a Christian or a communist dissenter, ya fuckwit, not that you have free reign to be an asshole and not get called on it. And you refer to yourself as an Originalist? Ha! If you were an Originalist, then you’d know that the “Men” in “all Men are created equal” means “people” and that you’d have to acknowledge that women are part of “Men”. Because it’s capitalized. Like the difference between God and god. LGBT+ people are part of the race of Men. So are our Jewish and Islamic cousins in Abrahamic faith. So are our neighbors of varying other faiths and traditions. People who look different, talk different, experience things different, they are still Men. As in the synonym for human. And they’re all equal in their pursuit for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness, which is something some people like to deny. A lot. Because they’re libertarian and hands-off-government unless it’s about people who don’t look and act and sound like them being given the same rights and treatment. They claim to be about defending families and traditional values and it’s, like, you’re pissing on real families. A family can be anything. By claiming to defend families and traditional values, what is being offered? Safe places and nurturing environments? No--it’s hate, pure and simple, against anything that doesn’t look like Leave It to Beaver and Father Knows Best.

So please, when reading the headlines today and in the future about the latest travesty that was allowed to happen because a sycophant stacked the court, remember that the greatest lie that mainstream media is knowingly spreading right now--and I’m a huge believer in mainstream press integrity--is that these people are Christians. Because they’re not. Jesus was a cool cat and this was not what He would have wanted. People doing bad shit in His name did not stop at the Crusades, but is a real and genuine problem within the Church and outside of it. If we can see it in sex abuse scandals and money laundering, then we should be able to see it when it comes to people denying the humanity and existence of their fellow Man. It’s there whenever people laud the denial of health care, the denial of legal rights, the denial of history... those are not Christians. Those are little more than weird LARPers attracted to power and the ability to say their word is God’s. Well, guess now’s the time to say that even the famous “papal infallibility” clause of Catholicism has loopholes, because as much as I like the Pope in general, he’s still a weird little old dude. He might have the clearest picture from the Lord, but he’s still human, and therefore is still capable of fcking shit up with a bad turn of phrase or reluctance to go all the way (and honestly, I’m not entirely unconvinced that he’s been avoiding an anti-pope all this time, because I feel like he’s been toeing that line from Day One and am surprised nothing’s been triggered yet). That’s why the conservative rightwing Catholics at least think they’re in the clear despite the fact that even with all his shortcomings, the current Pope sort of has one of the clearest heads in a long while, so oops too bad now stop shitting on the Pope.

In related news, Frankie’s supposed to be due to replace my archbishop sooner rather than later due to an age cap and I hope he can get one not as... tolerant of Christian nationalism and hate towards Men in there. That’d be nice to have, you know, LGBT+ outreach that isn’t underground.

#Nehs the Catholic #this just upsets me greatly on a lot of levels #because A) twisting God's name to be an asshole; B) THIS WAS A THEORETICAL CASE; #C) this is just 'small government for whitewashed cultural Christians only' bullshit and that's fcking bullshit; #and D) this is just another stepping stone down into a hellscape that puts us back generations #because this is license to shit on gay and interracial marriage and adoptions #this is license to ban abortions and limit contraception #this is license to lie about history by whitewashing the pain people went through and the beautiful tapestry of those who made now possible

[tie--up--loose--ends]

To that person I had so high opinion of before all that:

Thank you for dumping me last January, silently after all I offered was support.

I never felt so bad for doing something for someone else.

Now I can't even finish your fic.

And your fic WAS MY ONLY FAVOURITE FAN FIC about that character. The ONLY one.

BUT WHY WOULD YOU CARE....AS EVERYONE ELSE IS ALWAYS AROUND YOU COMMENTING SHOWING YOU LOVE.....why would you care that I won't read.

Yeah why would you?

Or why would everyone else

"Thank you" so much.

I wish I have never told you how much I like your fic.

At least I will finish it and now I can't because it became a trigger. Only see how that link got deleted in the blink of an eye, and me not even being asked what's going on.

I was in the middle of severe depression and was having non stop panic and anxiety attacks meanwhile deleting my blogs and my whole fic.

But no one cared to ask what's going on.

And dumping me for what?

Because Little Miss Anastasia Steele COMPLAINED WITH HER BIG MOUTH because that person can NOT use my DELETED GIFS for their fic.

And they complain why? Because they got this?

Excuse me but there is nothing to complain about.

Why haven't she read my fic instead of ONLY using my gifs for every piece of fiction about that character she was writing?

Hmm?

But she is a "wh**re "for your fic.- that's a quote. She said "I'll be a w***re for your fic...." And she gets recommendations.

Of course.

But so good that at least someone has "friends".

Not me though.

News for you both-

This was MY WORK and I DELETED it and didn't wanted it USED.

I don't need to explain why and you don;t need to be mad about it.

First - Because it was my work. And I don't want my DELETED WORK USED after no one would show a basic for of mutual respect towards the hard work that goes into it.

Second- because NO ONE READ my fic after I begged for 1 comment for half a year, and everyone was playing deaf.

------

WHILE YOU BOTH AND EVERYONE WERE RECOMENDING EACH OTHERS. And that one friend of yours won't shut up how good you are.

Then Little Miss Steele person had 400 notes per chapter.

So they deserve recommending?

Why? So they can become MORE POPULAR?

While OTHERS STAY UNSEEN?

God knows why that person is popular at all.

But my invisible fic with 10 likes didn't deserve recommendation?

Despite the fact that it was good.

At least so people who would like it to know that it exists....

But no....

No recommendation for me by no one.

Why?

Because I'm not popular?

I don't think so.

So thanks for showing where your loyalties are......

And everyone else keeping quiet because they COULDN'T CARE LESS.

I should have never involved myself with you.

I got PTSD as side effect of all that happened the "betrayal" included.

That mean I needed to have counseling for half a year after that nice experience.

While people write prequels....and what not.

Probably it's good to go from "ONLY 20 NOTES and a writer block" to FANDOM FAN-FICTION SUPERSTAR .

didn't HAPPEN TO ME. I had 10 f* likes so I deleted all I posted and enjoyed a year long DEPRESSION.

So - I wasted 4 months of my life for a person that dropped me with no second thought because I asked ANOTHER PERSON my things not to be used....

Wooow.

Also FOR TEH RECORD- I DON'T DO HATE/ OFFENSE.

I always follow the common courtesy rules!

However I have NO control over what someone would perceive as "offense".

So thanks for dumping me. For nothing.

And thank you for doing it silently. Deleting my name from your tag list and that link to my fan blog I did for your fic.

You think that's not enough and means nothing?

Do you know how many people did whatever for me or my fic?

NONE.

So yeah....To each their own. 4 months form my time no on e will give me back. But now that you are a big name.....and you have it all why would you care for those who are not.

I bet it's better in the populars club having friendly talks with other writers.....about writing.

--

I wish I knew I don't mean anything, before I believed I was friend of yours.

I was some number it seems. And one that meant nothing to you it seems.

Because the friends get their fic read and commented and recomended...as that one fic about We could be heroes.....

And for the record- I didn't need anything.

But sure a kind word would feel good.....like "You wirte too...Coool. Welcome new author. "

Well I got nothining of it.

I was dumped. Because I'm not popular.

And little Miss Steele has 2000 followers....so ...I'm sure their support means more.... lol

Anyways.

Rude.

#FANDOM #fandoms #toxic #fan fiction #I WILL NOT TRY THAT AGAIN #BUT WHAT THAT PERSON DID WAS F* LOW #I SHOULD HAVE STAYED SILENT READER #writers on tumblr

[angelicmark]

cw: um unintentional trauma dumping? idk i can't tell bc the stuff im talking ab is relevant to my ask but i feel like an attention wh*re for talking ab it at the same time im so sorry rip 😭 u dont have to post if this is too long but i just wanted to express how ur writing made me feel!

pls pls pls never take down tooth and nail... i fr loved every single word. every single word hurt me more and more (in the best way).

i was in a relationship exactly the same as the one you wrote and my mental health also plummeted due to unrelated reasons but the fact that my relationship wasn't working out started to take a toll on my mental health too. 2 yrs later is when i decided to stop listening to empty promises and insincere apologies, sometimes i wish i wasn't the bigger person and i sometimes wish i cussed them out lmao i honestly just wish they could feel the pain they caused me over the years but instead i decided to end things on neutral ground.

i related to this so much, what really fuckin got me was the frustration,, esp trying to figure out what to do. even if i don't regret leaving that person behind i can't seem to shake off how it effected me as a person, and left a bitter taste in my mouth whenever i think of love esp since i used to be a fairytale daydreams hopeless romantic type. it hit me so fuckin hard the way you described every single interaction made me wonder if you were writing this from personal experience. no need to share if you're uncomfy. if you did, then i'm so sorry you went through that, i rlly empathize with you & im so proud of where you are today; if you did not, then i greatly commend you and your ability to depict and evoke so much emotion into a bunch of text.<3

pls don't ever delete tooth and nail as i will be coming back to read whenever im in an angsty mood and feel like making myself cry,, bc stuff describing these exact events hurt me the most and sometimes you need a good cry yk? strangely they bring me a lot of comfort though, bc i feel seen. this did just that for me n so much more,, the feelings your writing expressed- truly beautiful, srsly well done. thank you for providing me w a lil safe bubble to sob simply bc i feel like it as well as the comfort and validation i feel after reading this.💛

oh wow, thank you for this message. it means a lot that you would open up to someone like me. most of my fics are based on my own events, so yes, tooth and nail is apart of my life as well. i struggled a very long time with communication with the person i wrote about. we broke up and then got back together. we needed concrete boundaries and we never had that until now. i understand just how you feel and where the frustration and hurt and pain truly comes from. i will keep it up forever just for you. thank you for reading it and telling me such personal details. thank you for the trust 🤍

#anon #💌

[themanydeathsofaliminalexistence]

The Many Deaths of a Liminal Existence: Month I

My first zine. It’s a mixtute of poetry and visual art. It’s inspired by my life experience’s, which are a lot different from most, and holds a purposeful roughness. I hope to produce 11 more issues, but only time will tell.

This is a repost because I’m a wh🎯re for aesthetics.

#my art #art zine #poetry #publication #weird art #mixed media #zine making #amateur artist

[hausofanya]

reactions to part one because i’m in disbelief

minho was right why does cléo attract the worst people please.

DOWON RETURNS? WAS GETTING SMACKED AROUND NOT ENOUGH OF A WARNING. WHO IS HE CALLING A WH*RE…..

moniqa truly is the best girl. hope her kids treat her to a spa day or something geez…

cléo laughing in the face of her problems is so me please cause what else can you do if not cry 😭 i can literally hear chan’s dad voice. you deserve better… can you hear the sound of my heart breaking

FUCK MINSEO! AND FUCK ISA EVEN THOUGH IDK WHO SHE IS YET!

cléo experiencing jealousy while going through her own life altering experience is so funny to me like girl you just found out your girlfriend has been cheating on you. why are you scrolling through twitter looking for pics of your friend (👀) and his (presumable) ex 😭‼️ (she’s just like me)

need more han and cléo interactions. give me more han and cléo interactions. him clinging to her like a koala 😞 right in the heart with that one.

the fact that this could have been planned hurts my heart because minseo would have known about the dowon mess </3 that’s just evil imo why would you do that :/

wait so is it fuck xavier now.. pls no i hope they talk CLÉO UNBLOCK HIS NUMBER NOOOOOO 😭

cléo not having xav as a pillar anymore because he’s kind of involved is troubling her for real! she knows he knows minseo is a bad person.. but then to find out he was dating minseo’s ex at one point is like. ‼️ so his number is staying blocked for a while lmao. me when i like to create problems 🫶🏽 and then complain about them…

moniqa truly is the best honestly. and so are the rest of her boys 😞 when minho finds out dowon may be behind those texts… yikes! ALSO RIGHT. the slight jealousy in seeing someone you’ve almost blurred the lines with on occasion happy with someone else despite a. being in a crumbling relationship yourself and b. finding out his ex dated YOUR ex… a lot of complicated feelings!

cléo’s gonna be staying in the 3racha + hyunjin dorm for now! she might bounce between the other one too. the star trio apartment is too much of a hot spot rn.

#⸝ 💌 ⃕ you’ve got mail .ᐟ ♡ #imo… the answer to the last bullet point is up to you when the next part comes out!

[flwrxy]

- journal entry 5: love.

It's no secret that i am a sucker for romance.

Romance movies, songs, books, poems, shows, animes. Anything with romance i love. I love the way 2 individuals can sense a connection so deep it's given the title of love.

However, i'd be lying if i said i was living it in real life. I'm not. Call me a hopeless romantic. I love romance, but i have given up on the idea of ever being loved so deeply, or loved the way i love others.

I see my friends get into relationships with people they know they want to marry. I see the way they are so happy and living out that part of their life. The way they dedicate time for them to the point im left behind. The way they speak about them so dedicatedly, and i watch from afar, wishing i had someone to speak about like that. I feel so left behind.

Even friend wise, i don't feel loved. I don't see people going out of their way for me the way i do for them. I'm aware of this yet, i'd do it again. My nature is too help in any way i can even if i'm dying inside. So when i see my own friends not doing the same, i ask myself "well, if my friends don't do it, what makes me think a man will?".

I could name a million reasons why a man wouldn't want to date me. Im stubborn. I like to ghost people the second my life goes sideways. I don't often speak, im more of a listener. I still struggle mentally with disorders that would ruin a relationship. I have a past that most men will call me a wh*re for. Most of my friends are male friends.

Im pretty enough to mess with, but not to date. It's been like that ever since i broke up with my ex. Even tho i did it for a good cause, sometimes i think nobody will ever want to deal with me like he did. I feel like i set myself up.

You know, last month was a rough month. I have one standing memory i think about often, and it's my freshman year crush admitting hes liked me this entire time. He kept me in the back of his head for 4 years, i was always there, physically or not. Plot twist: he has a girlfriend. I was shocked, i didn't know how to feel. I didn't know what to say. I was confused on why he would want me in a situation where he claimed to still like his girlfriend. What was it about me that was likeable, but not to date?

I see my dad ask me about guys in my life and the way he gets when i say i don't have a boyfriend yet all my friends are in relationships. I feel bad. I see how he wants to be a part of something like that. I can't tell my dad no man wants me.

I will forever love the imaginary feeling i have of romance. The happiness i get from watching, listening, or reading romances. I will forever keep my heart open to those experiences, but if we talk realistically, i can't promise the same.

I can't promise that one day i could be out running in a yard with a guy. Or that we'll blast frank sinatra and sing together. The little things that is normally done in a relationship, but it'll be fun to imagine.

Maybe some day, who knows.

-xoxo, k

#digital journal #blog

[automatismoateo]

2 weeks since I stopped wearing the hijab (update) via /r/atheism

2 weeks since I stopped wearing the hijab (update)

Since a lot of people on my first post did want me to make an update, here it goes!

The experience has actually been quite mediocre. I’m very to-myself, and most of my free time is spent in the back country hunting and stuff. I think this really helped my transition into wearing normal, functional clothes as opposed to a jilbab. Everything was going quite well until I had to go back to the city for school, and then I started having a lot of panic attacks and isolating. I’ve been avoiding going to the gym or seeing anyone I know.

Attention from the opposite gender has definitely been strained. All of my male peers from school have only seen me fully covered, and I can tell they feel uncomfortable around me now, like they’re not sure if I’m still religious or not, so they’re kinda being extra cautious. On the other hand, I find that my relationships with women is a bit strained as well: with the hijab, I was never seen as competition by other women. I was just invisible. But now I’ve noticed a shift in social settings, and women seem less trustful of me, or like they’re sizing me up.

A Christian preacher called me a jezabell and told me I was going to hell while I was at a bus stop🤠—> wearing an ankle-length slip dress = hoe clothes? Anyway, aside from muslim men “respectfully advising” me makeup makes me look like a whre, I’ve never heard the jezabell comment before. One Pakistani guy from a masjid I briefly attended ran into me on the street and basically shouted at me that he hopes I get rped because I’m just a “stupid feminist” and women’s brains are “the size of walnuts.” Idk how getting assaulted would fix any of that, but I digress. Additionally, a few fake Instagram accounts have DM’ed me to inform me of what a terrible person I am, that god will forsake me, and that I’m just a wh*re now who is hell bound. I deleted Instagram since I have a private account and it was obviously people who know me in real life who were sending these messages.

I’ve been trying to make new friends, because I genuinely don’t want any contact with my old muslim friends anymore. I loved them, and they were good to have in my life while I held the same beliefs as them. However, I Islam is dangerous and i find the entire ideology disgusting. I can’t help but feel sick around anyone who has anything to do with that religion.

Something kinda awkward that I’ve come to realize is that I genuinely have no idea to just exist around religious people. I was an Islamic fundamentalist for pretty much my entire life, so I realized that unless I’m in an academic setting, the only conversations I’ve ever had on my free time with close friends was about. Sure, I always had hobby clubs that I went to, but the result of my religious past seems to mean that I literally don’t know how to just talk to people. I’m socially inept, and I’m gonna have to work on that.

Overall, not wearing a piece of fabric on my head has felt alright. I’m glad that I can just be seen as a random person whenever I’m outside, rather than advertise a delusional ideology. It’s been challenging to start building new friendships from scratch, but I know that I’ll meet people I actually resonate with while out foraging or hunting, working on research projects, or at lectures— people who actually have more to offer me than perpetuating the cycle of Islamic indoctrination.

Sorry for how unorganized this post is. I have so many strong feelings that seem indescribable due to their magnitude.

Submitted May 31, 2023 at 06:39PM by thuebanraqis (From Reddit https://ift.tt/axZHQUS)

#reddit

[pocmuzings]

A GUIDE BARELY ANYBODY ASKED FOR: writing smut foreplay 101.

NOTE: every body is different. every person likes different things, and reacts different ways. i’m writing from my various personal experiences as a Self Assigned Hoe, also the self titled Smut Queen of the rpc. NONE OF THIS IS DEFINITIVE. if you’re unsure- ask your writing partner first. always.

pls be warned this is quite nsfw and straight up Filth. it also is written from my perspective as a cis-gender, pansexual woman.

IMPORTANT OOC STUFF:

always, always keep communication to your rp partner open. consent is sexy. especially with writing.

gauge the mood. if you suggest something to your writing partner and they just say ‘yeah’ or ‘ok’... don’t take it as 100% go ahead. sometimes people, especially in the rpc, will say yes just because they don’t know how to say no. an ENTHUSIASTIC YES is really really good and necessary!!!

vice versa, make sure you tell your partner if you’re not comfortable with something. if you said yes to begin with to writing a scene, but slowly u start feeling uncomfortable and weird... guess what? U CAN CHANGE YOUR MIND!!! I GUARANTEE U NOBODY WILL BE MAD! IF THEY ARE- DUMP THEM AS A WRITING PARTNER!  change your mind whenever u want, about whatever u want. writing is meant for u. its meant for u to be comfortable. ur lil safe kinky space, if u so wish it to be!

talk to ur partner. be their pal. be their fwend. writing smut can escalate v quickly, and if ur not an active talker to ur writing partner, then sometimes things can get misconstrued, or uncomfortable. even if it’s just a check in like ‘HEY HOW WAS UR DAY’ or ‘is what im writing ok????? i love when ur character does ___’ or idk. just be comfortable and friendly!!!

u don’t have to write paragraphs and paragraphs of smut. just.. give a lil detail though. give a lil smth to ur writing partner. like any other reply, just writing one sentence is not really enough for another writer to reply to.

GENERAL SEX TIPS THAT I’VE PICKED UP THAT HELP ME WITH WRITING:

anal is super popular and super wanted atm. i’m not going to say it’s a ‘trend’, bc it’s not really. but it’s definitely becoming more and more mainstream. this DOESN’T MEAN u have to do it / write it, but just know that most ppl atm are on the butt train (yahoo!). so.. yeah, expect anal to be a ~written abt thing or Wanted thing

other ‘popular’ kinks i’ve noticed atm (through fb groups im part of and just friends in general) are choking, and spanking. but this is NOT everybody’s kink. just bc it’s ‘popular’ doesn’t mean its right for ur character. kinky, rough sex is becoming more mainstream i’ve noticed.

a handjob is like.... not ever super wanted. it’s a handjob. it’s not the greatest thing in the world. as far as sexy things go, this is basic tier. a handjob is better than nothing, but i don’t rlly know anybody who actively wants a handjob.

same with fingering- look, fingering is fine, and it can get things in motion, but it’s really hard to orgasm from fingering. i’d say borderline impossible, but this is just from me (and, again, the gals in my lives) experience. fingering is GOOD as a beginning saucy movement, just like a handjob is good to begin with.. but climaxing from it is not Super Likely.

cum is messy and gets everywhere. everywhere. 

pre-cum is a thing. discharge is a thing. women getting wet is a thing. it’lll happen. it’s messy. it’s a lot sometimes, and it’s really.. slick (idk how else to explain it, but it helps with the MOVEMENT of things greatly). it’s good to write abt bc guess what? it means somebody is turned on! this is GOOD

look a ‘tight vagina’ or whatever u wanna call it, is not a Good Thing, bc it means a person isn’t turned on enough / wet enough

when writing basically anything about genitalia... use spit. oh my god use so much spit. be disgusting with how much spit is there, bc u need that as LUBE (unless ur writing ur characters using lube!!!)

write vocal characters. in my experience, nobody is ever 100% quiet during sexy times. if ur character is being touched in a way they like, trust me- they’ll be moaning. they’ll be rocking their hips. they’ll be whispering more, more, more, yeah, like that etc.

if writing rough sex, have a safe word for the characters ic. practice safe sex even with writing! safe words are rlly good bc they also actually help create a safe ooc environment too!! that way, if somebody doesnt want to say smth ooc, they can say it ic, and hopefully feel more comfortable 

write realistic sex. pls. write about the awkward noises. or the accidental wrong movement. or the laughing. sex isn’t always magnificent and beautiful. it’s clumsy and silly. and it’s fun to write it that way, bc.. look, smut is meant to be fun! so make it fun! write it as fun and silly and goofy as u want!!!!

yes cis-men have the prostate and its located in the butthole fdnjkfjkndf. but u can’t write ur character just shoving a finger in a butt. characters, just like people ooc, need to maintain communication before trying anything ‘new’ like that. safe sex everyone!!!

don’t go straight to what’s between the legs. neck kisses. nipples. breasts, back scratch, dirty talk... this is all VERY IMPORTANT to foreplay. don’t ever use write ur characters diving on in, especially not to female muses bc female bodies work v differently. we need waRMING UP! we need a lil teasing.

write hand movement! write where your characters hands are. are they carded through hair? are they gripping sheets? are they clawing at someone’s back? digging into scalps? hands are ALWAYS doing something.

writing about shaving / hair down there is not super necessary, but u do u.

involuntary noises / movements happen a lot when smth is GOOD during foreplay. gasps. moans. cries. hips jolting. mouth falling open. 

foreplay is so SO important before sex. in real life, and in smut. if i write with someone and they go STRAIGHT to writing sex, no foreplay, im like ... hewwo ?? this just isn’t realistic, and my coochie clenches. 

when writing... make ur characters ask the dumb qs u’d probably ask real life. ‘should i get a condom?’ ‘are you on anything?’ ‘did that hurt?’  ‘can i cum in you?’ ffjnkf u get what i mean? i hope.

cis men do cum pretty quickly, especially compared to women. 

showers are fine for sexy times, but WATER is NOT lubricant.

READ FAN FICTION. there’s some really really good fan fiction out there, and it actually does help with ur own writing 

if a character likes something and says ‘yeah’ or ‘like that’... that doesn’t mean necessarily to write another character ‘speeding up’ or getting rougher. if somebody likes something ‘like that’, then keep it ‘like that’, or pick up the pace a little as encouragement. 

WRITING HAND JOBS / FINGERING:

finger movement on the outside of a vagina is just as important as finger movement on the inside. sometimes it can be more important, bc some people are more sensitive on the outside. (i’m not using technical terms bc nothing abt this post is technical or medical lmao)

if u don’t use lube or spit on ur hand when giving a penis a handjob.. it’ll probably hurt the person a little and be rough and not very Easy on either party

a handjob can be pretty fuckin awkward (i’ve been told + found personally). it’s just two people lying / sitting there, with one hand uncomfortably angled to jack off another person. it’s probably the most silent of all foreplay things which is why every person i know (female, male, cis, non cis) hate handjobs. 

ur hand and fingers might cramp a little if ur fingering a female, and the movements might get a little clumsy, but thats OKAY TOO!!! 

the angle of ur hand when fingering is important. if ur just shoving it down some pants/  trousers, it doesn’t leave a lot of movement so it won’t be super Great. under a skirt, or better yet- naked, makes things a LOT easier bc u have more Room.

write about the fingers. write about them moving up and down. don’t just rub them over the clit, or have them inside a vagina. that’s not exactly how it works. we need some pressure. we need a little rub. mainly near the clitoris or on the actual clitoris itself

don’t ever start by writing fast movements. u gotta write about building a motion and speed. start slow, then speed it up. 

fingering: circular motions over near the clit slowly, then a liiiiittle faster. stroking motions up and down. moving up towards the clit properly, then back down and slowly inserting a finger. then pull the finger out. repeat. keep each movement slow and deliberate and teasing. fdjkndfbnjkdfjnk graphic, i know. but. i mean. that’s a good first foreplay move i’ve found ???

handjob: thumb over the tip first as a lil tease, then slowly roll your hand in a fist motion all the way down the length (keep ur arm in a ‘straight’ movement.) then back up. twist ur hand, especially near the tip. move a little faster if ur lubed up enough, and then u can even give a lil ball squeeze if ur feeling courageous. keep that movement going. the FASTER ur hand moves, the more close somebody will get to orgasm, bc for them it’s sometimes all abt friction. 

starting with fingering / a hand job is like the first step of a dance usually. start with hands and fingers, THEN rock on baby, to --

WRITING ORAL SEX:

as previously mentioned, use a LOT of spit or lube. slick that bitch up.

cis-women are never wet constantly. ever. in fact, u can get dry pretty quickly again, so it’s not uncommon to write abt somebody spitting ‘down there’, just like u’d spit on a penis when giving a blowjob. 

most cis-men like their balls being played with a lil. so.. dfjnknj write about balls. i know it can be awkward and weird and the word ‘BALLS’ is not sexy. just try mention some movement there. some playing, or squeezing, or whatever word u feel comfortable using. especially during blowjobs. it’s just a good thing to do if u don’t know what to do with ur hands. don’t go crazy and just grab balls really roughly. 

if ur writing about a blowjob on a penis, deepthroating is never gonna happen straight off the bat. u gotta warm up ur throat a little, get ur throat to relax inch by inch, and not gag a lot. i promise u can’t just shove a whole dick down ur throat, unless u have the gag reflex of a porn star.

BUT also. write gagging. gagging happens a lot with blowjobs. i’ve never blown a guy who hasn’t loved the sound of gagging / choking a little 

jaws ache from oral. it’s a lot of the same movements and exertion, and YEAH IT CAN HURT UR JAW

tongues are ur best friend. a tongue should definitely be mentioned when writing oral on ANYONE.

write about hands AND mouth when writing oral. (use fingers and tongue when writing about going down on a female, and use hand in a fist movement around penis, when writing a blowjob, bc gripping with ur hand what ur mouth can’t reach yet is a+)

when writing a blowjob, focus on balls, yes- but also mention the tip. it’s sensitive for most guys, so a lil swirl of the tongue, or a suck or whatever... that’s good usually!!!

when writing going down on a female- move the tongue a lot. over the clit. then back down. use ur whole damn mouth and get messy. some ppl have a sensitive clit and direct movement onto it can be a lil overwhelming / overstimulating / painful, so yes- clit is good, but it can also be a little too much for some ppl!

write about lips. when going down on someone, lips also create sensations. it’s not the same as TONGUE, obviously, but it’s still soft and warm and it’s definitely something u feel. 

if ur writing about eating a girl out: tongues can be soft and flat, or they can a little pointy when u tense them. alternating between these 2 movements can be rlly good and pleasurable. starting soft and flat near the clit is good, before moving down to stick ur tongue in a little, and move it / wiggle it. but trust me - most of the action should be SOFT especially near the clit, bc it’s sensitive.

if you’re writing about a blowjob: suction. and moving quickly. hollow out those cheeks, and write about the tongue moving as the mouth does. suck hard, but not like.... ur character isn’t a vaccuum cleaner. they should suck ‘eagerly’ or whatever, and use their hand and tongue to help them out. trust me ur jaw will lock / hurt, u cannot suck a dick for like an hour. 

if u deepthroat a penis enough, ur voice can get pretty fucked up sounding, but i’ve never had it last longer than the next day or so. it just sounds like u’ve got a cold / sore throat (and thats bc u do)

some people just don’t like oral. some people aren’t comfortable in their bodies and can’t get out of their minds when it comes to it- which is super understandable. it’s a very intimate, close thing, bc hello -somebody is staring at ur genitalia basically. so hey, if u don’t wanna write it / don’t like it, then that’s completely chill too!

you don’t have to write about ‘the taste’. in fact, it’s absolutely ok and i’d prefer if u don’t bc i personally think that gets a bit weird. u can mention there IS a taste, but u don’t have to get into particulars bc that can get kinda icky. like ... it’s genitalia. we all know it won’t taste like a peach or whatever.

cis-women orgasm from oral sex, i think sometimes more often than they orgasm from actual penetrative sex? this is based off things i’ve read, and again, my own experience. 

oral sex can take a loooong ass time to reach orgasm sometimes. it’s barely ever a two-reply-thread piece. it’s always gonna be longer then that, if ur writing it realistically. sometimes reaching climax during oral, for any gender, can take anywhere up to an hour ??? if we’re being generous ??? again, cis men are more likely to cum first, BUT good oral sex can be dragged on for a while, for anybody. 

WRITING ASS / ANAL STUFF:

im gonna say it straight up. yes. it kinda feels like pooping almost when somebody fingers ur butt. but in a weirdly.. good way. idk how to describe it. 

getting fingered in the ass is SLOW work.  a finger will NOT just go in, especially not DRY. u need saliva / lube. you need the other person to be relaxed, or breathing, and u need to coax them through it all.

u don’t really know whats going on back there if ur on the receiving end. like. u can’t TELL by feeling on what’s going on. real talk: a guy fingered me once and i thought it was two fingers, but it was 3, and then later- when he put his dick in it was fine as well bc he’d relaxed me and gotten me to feel rlly comfortable and Safe. so TRUST me thats important when writing butt stuff. i can’t stress it enough.

it feels Strained. like it isn’t necessarily painful the entire time, but u can FEEL very full. so yeah, nobody is gonna have a finger in their ass and then immediately be ready for another, or be bouncing back , knuckle deep. u need a lot of patience and time for this.

if ur a cis-female... butt stuff is Fine, but its not a way to achieve orgasm, bc honestly there’s nothing stimulating u. it feels nice and the Roughness can be a kink, but u probably won’t orgasm / cum from it

use a lot of spit and a LOT of lube

u can’t just shove a dick / multiple fingers in someones ass either. u gotta stretch it out. take ur time. it literally can take an hour + sometimes more to get someone relaxed and stretched out enough. the amount of spit / lube and fingering needed is ridiculous

when it comes to ass stuff- make sure ur character is BREATHING in order to relax their muscles. everytime they’re relaxed, everything moves easier (this just goes for sex stuff in general too!)

eating ass is a thing, and look- ur not meant to ‘douche’ regularly bc apparently it’s bad for u. so if ur writing abt anal / butt stuff, u do NOT need to write abt anything poopy related or any of the douching stuff. its a silent rule, just like in real life. we don’t talk abt it djknfgnkjd

honestly, the overall feeling of Butt Stuff is just one of being Full and a lil Stretched, and if ur into Pain / a very different feeling then it’s a Good Feeling bc it just is all abt trusting n putting ur body in someone else’s hands (and fingers)

getting ur ass eaten feels warmer / more pleasurable than fingers bc a tongue in general is just nicer and softer then fingers are. 

spread them cheeks, boys, girls and non gender conforming folk

if ur gonna touch a cis-girls ass with ur tongue or fingers or anything... pls make sure ur stimulating her clit at the same time. i promise that can make things speed up in terms of relaxation and pleasure v quickly.

always ask a cis-male before going near his ass (but also in general, always ask before doing anything), especially rlly Straight Dudes bc they get SUPER defensive abt their own ass being touched 

anal stuff can be GREAT for foreplay just bc it’s a bit risque and it’s a bit Rougher and Harder just bc it’s a tighter hole. so, honestly yeah a lil finger in the ass whilst being eaten out isn’t terrible, or being fingered there at the same time as being fingered elsewhere can  also feel pretty Spicy, depending on ur taste

for cis-men, butt stuff  can be a  VERY quick way to orgasm. especially if ur blowing them / stroking them at the same time

anal / ass stuff isn’t for everyone. don’t write it if ur not comfortable. don’t do it if ur not comfortable. 

WRITING AN ORGASM:

the body shakes, tenses, spasms and generally loses a little bit of control

ur grip turns very intense and Harsh

back arching is a Thing

hands yanking at hair is a Thing

for when a cis-man orgasms... it can happen quite suddenly, but it’ll be a little twitch, and u can FEEL them tense. fast movement is what usually gets them to orgasm Quicker, i’ve found. 

for everybody else, i feel like it can be harder to achieve orgasm, but when it happens- your legs get all tense and squeeze the SHIT out of the head between them, and u definitely make some noise. orgasm can just happen, and sometimes with women especially.. it’s kinda easier to fake orgasm bc there’s never truly a Way To Tell physically???? this could be entirely wrong, of course, but there’s SO MUCH discussion and research based on the female orgasm that i feel like i can’t write anything abt it here bc it’s SO different for everyone.

just follow the general rule: ‘you’ll know when it happens’. ‘you’ll know when you know’. 

orgasms won’t always happen. it can get CLOSE but not happen, and it’s not always some big disappointing, ‘blue-balls’ event. it happens, or it doesn’t. sometimes u can write amazing head, and the other character won’t cum, and u know what? that’s ok too.

#rph #rpc #im probably forgetting so much stuff #anyways pls dont be mean JKDFJNKFJN #im just a wh*re #with my wh*re experiences and life. #i dont know EVERYTHING ok so if i got smth wrong or worded smth wrong #let me know #guide #smut guide #smut help