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burninlovebutler · 1 year

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29 - Be My Mistake* // Forever Winter Series

pairing: austin x fem!oc | word count: 5.9k-ish

summary: austin finds himself caught up in a whirlwind love affair with his chosen distraction. as his addiction worsens, the rose colored glasses begin to fog & his grip on control begins to wane.

warnings/notes: aspen lol, agitated!austin, smut, p n v (unprotected), pulling out ~toaster strudel vibes~, fluffy?, exchange of fun words, hints at SA (past, vague), substance use (weed, pills), addiction, short time skips, inherently saaaad u know the drill, plsss don’t be mad at me🫣, 18+ ONLY MDNI

previous chapter -> 28 - Temporary Fix*

see masterlist for chapter log + all other fics

vibes -> fw playlist❄️

And be my mistake, then turn out the light She bought me those jeans, the ones you like

I don't want to hug, I just want to sleep The smell of your hair, reminds me of her feet

You do make me hard, but she makes me weak

-AUSTIN-

I pressed my back against my front door to click it closed and let out a heavy sigh. My middle finger and thumb pinched the bridge of my nose trying to alleviate the tension headache building behind my skull.

What the fuck had I just done?

I did what I set out to do. What I agreed to do.

If I wanted to keep my dirty little secret from her, I needed to follow through. I just didn’t think it would hurt this much – I didn’t think I’d hurt her that much. But the band aid was ripped off and I didn’t want to think of what would come next. The mere idea of losing her - my best friend – it was too much. I needed to numb it out.

Using my right foot, I kicked myself off the door and mentally prepared myself for what I was about to walk into.

“What the fuck was that about?” Spreading my arms out in exasperation when I walked back to Aspen in my bedroom. “I thought we were on the same page.”

“We are.” She confirmed, dropping her arms to her sides. “I don’t care who you fuck, but it just pissed me off how hypocritical she was being. It’s fucked up of her to show up here jealous over you, when she’s the one with a boyfriend.”

“Did what she say upset you?” I asked, ignoring her accusation of Elsie being jealous.

“The fact that you ditched me at the party to hook up with your best friend then called me afterwards?” Her voice not nearly as pissed as you’d think. “Yeah, that’s pretty fucking shitty Austin. But just as basic decency – not because I'm in love with you.”

“Look – you’re right. I’m sorry. It was a shitty thing to do.” I stepped towards her and took her hands into my own. “Okay? I’m sorry. Can we just forget this happened?”

Chocolate brown eyes glanced up at me, anger flowed into playfulness, “Sure Aus.” She cooed with a wide smile.

The nickname sprung another tinge of pain in my stomach, nicknames were something only Elsie was ever allowed to use. Hearing another girl say them felt forbidden, as if it was some vile curse word you would only hear in snuff films.

“You’re not gonna chase after her?” She questioned, unfazed, crossing the floor to pluck an orange pill bottle from my nightstand.

“What?” I replied, surprised that she’d ask such a thing. I’d never met a girl like her, nothing seemed to really bother her. She must’ve been just as fucked up as me.

“Elsie? The girl that just ran out of your apartment?” She stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. She scanned the pill bottle she picked up, then set it down for another one.

I wanted to run after her, I really fucking did. My insides felt like they were being ripped to pieces, like I ran my intestines through a paper shredder. But I accomplished exactly what I set out to do – push her away. “No, why would I do that?” I made my way over to her, curious as to what she was analyzing.

“Because you’re in love with her.” The words left her mouth effortlessly, not a hesitation, stutter, or hiccup. She twisted the white cap off the prescription bottle with a crack and poured two white bar-shaped pills from the container. She lifted her hand with an offer, “Want one?”

It took a moment to wrap my head around what she just said. She spoke it with such conviction, like it was a well-known fact. Like it was as obvious as the sky being blue or grass being green. A terrifying thumping pit fell into my chest, similar to one you’d get as a kid when you were on the verge of getting caught misbehaving. I shook my head with a small laugh, waving away the mere suggestion, “I’m not in love with her.”

“Whatever you say buddy.” She shrugged, taking a bar and snapping it in half with her front teeth, swallowing it dry, offering me the other half again. “If you’re not in love with her, then she’s definitely in love with you.”

I rolled my eyes at her and stole the half pill, using an overnight glass of water to swig it down. “She’s not in love with me, you must still be high.”

She let out a chuckle at my words, “See? You can’t even say her name.”

“I’m not-” I mentally winced at the involuntary stutter and let out an exhausted sigh. “I’m not in love with Elsie”

She gave me a skeptical ‘sure’ look with raised brows, “Mhm, whatever ya say babe.” Plopping on the bed, dangling her feet off the edge. “Just means I get ya for a bit longer.” Her full lips curled into a content grin.

My first instinct was to ask what exactly that meant, but I didn’t want to prolong the unnecessary conversation.

“Wait a minute,” Her brows furrowed, some realization clicking in her head and picked up another pill bottle, reading it once more. A booming laugh erupted from her, “Your last name is Butler?”

My eyes rolled again already knowing what was coming, “C’mon get it out of your system.”

She kicked her legs and fell back onto the bed, “You gonna fetch me dinner Butler?”

“Yep.” I nodded and sucked my teeth, hearing the same thing I’ve heard my whole life. “Mhm, let it out.”

“What about my laundry? You better separate my lights from darks.” She giggled, deep dimples denting her cheeks.

“Alright alright,” I readjusted on the bed, flipping to be on top of her, “That’s quite enough don’t ya think?” Pinning her arms at each side of her head, she reflexively tugged her head to the side to yank the blonde strands I had landed on.

She continued to laugh, “Ya know, an act like this might get ya fired.”

“Oh my god, shut up.” Her laughter was contagious, and I couldn’t help but crack a smile.

She stilled beneath me, her giggles fading, and hazelnut eyes lined with long lashes blinked up at me softly, “Make me.”

My gaze lingered on her. She was so beautiful when she was completely stripped down like she was then. Her features were so soft and feminine, gentle slopes for cheekbones adorned with deep valley dimples and a button nose. If she wore less glittery makeup and didn’t want to dye her hair pink, she could easily be a Victoria’s Secret model.

“You’re so pretty, you know that?” I voiced my thoughts.

She blushed and waved me away, “Oh shut up.” She giggled.

“Make me.” I turned the command back on her like some sort of power game.

She took the bait, taking my face in her delicate hands, seemingly analyzing my face the way I did hers. She drew her thumb across my cheekbone before pulling me down into a kiss. The more I kissed her, the less guilty I felt. Though, I wasn’t sure I’d ever not have some inexplicable guilt looming in the background.

Her fingers tangled into my wavy locks that were in desperate need of a trim and took the initiative of swiping her tongue across my bottom lip for entrance. My fingertips grazed under her thighs bringing them around my hips as our tongues danced together. She locked her legs around me pulling me against her core which I forgot was still only covered with lacy panties. I pulled from her lips and dropped my head into the curve of her neck to let out a low groan from the friction against my hardening cock. My hands trailed up under the borrowed shirt along her sides and he whined softly, “Aus.”

I drew away to look at her when she covered her face with her arm shyly, a stark contrast to her usually confident sex appeal. “Hey,” I said softly, trailing my fingers up her sides, “What’s wrong? You okay?”

She moved her wrist to cover her forehead, blush feathered across her cheeks. “Yeah… I don’t know, I don’t think I’m high yet.”

“Oh, um,” I pulled my lip between my teeth, “Well we can stop if you want or I don’t really…”

“No no, it’s okay.” Her smile pulled a little too tight, “It’s okay, we can keep going.”

Something about this scene gave a sort of, déjà vu moment. It reminded me of that New Year’s Eve night with Elsie, where she didn’t want me to take off her dress but told me to anyway, if that’s what I wanted. But this was a side of Aspen I’d never seen, she was never shy with sex or with her body for that matter. “Did I do something wrong? I really didn’t mean to upset you.” My hand found her thigh and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“No, no you didn’t. I just – I don’t know, it’s hard for me to um,” She cleared her throat, “Sex is hard for me when I’m sober. I just,” She pressed her lips together and diverted her eyes, “It’s- actually, don’t worry about it, it’s not a big deal.” Waving away the topic, her grin wide but her eyes dim.

“No, no because it’s obviously a big deal ‘Pen, what’s wrong?”

She propped herself up on her elbows, blonde strands cascading down her shoulder, “It’s really not a big deal we can just continue, it’s fine.” Her tone light and rather dismissive.

“’Pen there’s obviously something wrong I’m not just gonna keep going if you’re uncomfortable. You can tell me, okay?” I brought my hand to her face and gently placing a knuckle beneath her chin. “I wanna know so I can be more careful.”

Aspen exhaled deeply, “The guys at work can sometimes be… forceful.” Her eyes trailed off, focusing on the wall behind me. “And some of them don’t like the word no.” She stated quietly before reaching my eyes again, “It can be kind of triggering? I guess? To do stuff when I’m sober. Being high really helps with that.”

It took me longer than it should’ve for me to really understand what she was saying. It made me so sad for her. Since I was always Elsie’s plus-one to parties, clubs or bars, I’d seen my fair share of inappropriate bullshit from random men. They’d cross boundaries with her, even right in front of me, even when most people would just assume that I was her boyfriend. Of course a literal strip club would be worse, I just never thought of it that way. She never complained about work or any of her clients. I felt like an asshole for it not even crossing my mind. “Oh my god Aspen,” I felt myself involuntarily loosen my grip on her thigh, “I’m so sorry, I never meant to make you feel like that I just I didn’t I don’t-”

She giggled, “Sh sh.” Placing a finger on my rambling lips, “It’s not you, you never make me feel like that.” She said quietly, “It’s okay,” Moving her hand from my lips to cup my cheek, “I feel safe with you.” Her eyes soft and genuine. “I will let you know if I’m having a bad time, okay?”

I nodded, suppressing the urge to ask her once again if she was sure, “Okay, sounds good.” I leaned down and pressed my forehead against hers. “I would never do anything like that to you. I promise. Never ever.”

She folded her top lip over her bottom, “I know. I believe you.” Then dragged her thumb over my cheekbone. “You’ve got such a beautiful soul, you know that?” Her voice was so quiet, barely loud enough for me to hear her. “You’re really beautiful on the outside too.”

Her words took me by surprise, it’s not every day that a guy gets a compliment like that. I’d never had anyone tell me they think I’m beautiful, nonetheless my fucking soul? There was a small, unexpected flutter in my stomach. “Well, thank you.” I replied softly, pressing my lips to hers, “You-” I began but she cut me off with a deeper kiss.

I pulled away again to return the compliment, but she promptly placed two fingers against my lips before I could speak, “You don’t need to say anything back.” Her chestnut brown eyes locked with mine and her voice stern beneath a slight tremble. “When I say things to you, it’s because I mean them – not because I hope you’ll say them back.”

Her words loomed a heaviness that my increasing high couldn’t begin to comprehend. As soon as I nodded, she reeled me back into the kiss, deepening it almost immediately. She wrapped her legs around my hips and drew me down against her core. She disconnected from the kiss, “Please fuck me.”

“You’re gonna drive me insane.” I muttered under my breath before dropping my head in her neck, leaving sloppy kisses behind. I tugged her skin into my mouth with a suck as I began rutting my hips against her heat. She let out small moans every time my cock would roll up against her clit. She dug her nails into my back, “Fuck, Austin, I need you to fuck me.” She mewled.

I continued leaving messy kisses on her neck, focusing one on her sweet spot just below her ear, “I want you to beg for it.” I muttered against her neck and dug my nails into her hips.

“Austin please, please.” She whined, “Fuck, I need your cock so fucking bad.”

My cock twitched at her words, it was almost painful how hard I was. I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed her. I pulled back from her enough to slip my shorts off, letting my cock spring free. Aspen’s eyes tracked my member as she trailed her hand down and slipped beneath her panties, beginning to rub her clit.

The sight of her was driving me crazy. I precariously pushed her panties to the side and slid my tip up through her deliciously wet folds before gradually dipping into her entrance. The minute she felt me inside her, she let out a loud gasp. I slid into her slowly, inch by inch, just to torture her. I let out a groan once I felt myself reach the deepest part of her, “God, you’re so fucking tight.”

The hand that wasn’t working on her clit pushed open the button down she’d borrowed from me, revealing her lace covered breasts. She began kneading her right tit and playing with her hardened nipple over the sheer noir lace.

Control was slipping through my fingers already and it was reflected in my speed. “Fuck.” I muttered, as I propped up her thighs with my hands, using them as an anchor to keep her in place as I slammed in and out of her. Moans and curses poured from her lips the faster I went and the quicker she worked on her clit. “You feel so fucking good.” I groaned, squeezing her thigh and fucked her faster.

“Yeah?” She chewed on her bottom lip, “I like being a cock slut for you.”

In all the time we’d been well, fucking, we’d used words like that plenty before but in light of the information she’d just given me, it made me feel almost guilty for using them. “You do?” The question came out significantly more transparent than intended.

She brought her free hand to my own that was holding up her leg, “I do.” She replied softly and gave my hand a squeeze. “I like it. You know that.” And gave a small giggle reassuring me that it was the truth.

“In that case,” I bent down to continue my work on her neck, trailing short sucking kisses up to her ear. “You like being my little cock slut huh?” I whispered and smirked when I could audibly hear her enjoy the words.

“Yours?” She squeaked quietly.

Thoughtlessly I replied, “Mine.”

Her breathing accelerated, “Aus I’m close.” She whined, wrapping her fist in the excess sheets.

Her moans got louder as I continued to ram into her, “C’mon baby, I want you to fucking cum all over my cock.” I hummed against her neck, but I could feel her still teetering on her own ledge. I gripped her legs tight, “Be a good girl and cum for me, will you?”

It didn’t take much after that for her to reach her finish line, her back arching away from the bed sharply, “Fuck! Austin!”

I pulled myself back upright, tightening my grip on her thighs and drilled into her as she was still riding her high. The knot in my stomach was already threatening to unravel but when her walls began to contract around me, I knew I was dangerously close, “Fuck, fuck, I’m gonna cum,” It felt like I was dangling from a string that was about to snap, “Fuck, where do you want me to cum?”

“Cum on me,” She answered quickly, brushing her hair off her chest, “Please cum on me?”

“Fuck,” I slammed into her trying to hold out for as long as possible but abruptly pulled out when I felt myself about to cum, “Fuck!” I groaned, pumping my cock until ribbons of cum coated chest and stomach. I rode out my high, leaving her completely covered. “Fuck.” I breathed out, using the back of my clean hand to wipe off sweat from my forehead. “You look so fucking good covered in my cum.”

“Yeah?” She giggled, dragging a finger dangerously close to one of the patches.

“Don’t.” I warned her, with a propped brow.

She slid her finger through the puddle, then plopped it in her mouth. “Mmm.” She teased, “You should fill my mouth instead next time.”

My jaw nearly fell, “Cut that shit out or I’m gonna have to fuck you again.”

She bit down on her thumbnail with a mischievous smile, “Would that be so bad?”

-weeks later-

Aspen and I walked hazily through Manhattan, my arm slung over her shoulders, our steps synced up. It was a rare morning where we weren’t high, just remnants of weed in our system. She had all but moved into my apartment from how often she stayed over. We were on one fuck of a roll. It was so refreshing to be around someone who doesn’t hound you about your choices, someone who made those choices with you.

The blonde leaned into me as she walked, “I’ve been having so much fun with you Aus.”

‘Aus’

No matter how much fun we had, I still hated it coming out her mouth.

“Me too ‘Pen.” My arm curled her closer. “I haven’t had this much fun in a long while.”

It was the truth; I hadn’t felt happy in so long, nonetheless have fun. Probably the last time I let myself have fun was Thanksgiving with Elsie. And even then, it was so tense. But Aspen made it so easy, I didn’t have to hide shit from her or tip toe around anything. It wasn’t complicated or painful, it was just fun.

“Guess we’re just meant for each other then.” She joked, nudging into me. We were on such a high that I didn’t wanna risk having to break her heart. I liked her sure, but I wasn’t in the market for a girlfriend. I wasn’t looking to fall in love, and I liked the casual dynamic we had.

“You haven’t talked about Elsie in a while?” She stated innocently.

I let out a sigh, “Yeah I know – I haven’t spoken to her since…everything.”

She hummed, nodding, “There’s something special about her isn’t there?” Her voice was casual, not happy, sad or jealous.

“Not this again.” I rolled my eyes, “I told you we’re just friends.”

“You don’t gotta put on a show for me Austin, I can see it in your eyes when you look at her.” Not a single trace of anger in her tone. “Hell, I can see it even when I just mention her name.”

I took a moment to gather my answer. I had gone over me and Elsie’s relationship a million times in my head, but each time it was like an ever-growing equation. The more I tried to solve it the less it made sense. “It doesn’t matter,” I stated plainly, keeping my eyes focused on some skyscraper in front of us. “She doesn’t feel that way about me.”

“Sure she does. I can see that too.”

“What are you, some all-seeing oracle?” Shaking my head, “No you just don’t understand, there’s nothin’ there.”

“Austin, if there’s anything I know, it’s girls.” She let out a giggle, “And there’s definitely something there.”

“Whatever, I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. It doesn’t matter, we’re – doing whatever we’re doing.”

“Fucking.” She clarified with a playful grin.

I laughed nudging back into her, “No, I really like my time with you. It’s fun.”

“Yeah,” Her tone dropped slightly, “I’m just a lesson girl.” Her eyes fell down to the pavement.

“Huh?” Looking down at her.

“You know,” She shrugged, wrapping her cardigan tighter around her body. “I’m always that girl. The girl you have fun with but not the girl you settle down with. I’m just a lesson; a bridge to that bring-home-to-mom girl.”

The words took me by surprise, and they made me sad for her.

Maybe I could be that for her. Maybe I wanted to be that? The one that doesn’t use her as a lesson.

Or maybe I just felt guilty, seeing as I too planned on being a temporary fix. This all started as a fucked-up game of blackmail after all.

My hand trailed down her arm and tangled our fingers together. I gave her a nudge, “You’re way more than a lesson ‘Pen.” Her girl-next-door brown eyes flickered up at me, “Not to me you aren’t.” She offered a sweet smile, looking like no one ever really gave her the chance to be more than a fuck buddy.

Once back at my loft it took no time for us to go another round. We flipped over on the couch with her propped up on top of me. She bounced on my cock sending a buzzing flare across my skin.

“Fuck.” I groaned, gripping onto her hips, helping to guide her rolling motions.

Small whimpers escaped her each time the head of my member embedded into the deepest part of her core. Her full tits bounced as she rode me, but I needed more. I wrapped my arms around her midsection to keep her place as I rolled my hips up into her, reaching new depths with the angular position.

“Austin!” She cried out, taking my control and took over the riding, this time even more frantic and messy.

The heightened sensation from the weed and whatever else she gave me earlier kicked in driving me dangerously close. “Fuck - you’re gonna make me cum if you don’t slow down.” I grunted through labored breath.

She nodded and fell onto me, her face and whimpers in my neck. “I want your cum baby, cum inside me please.” She begged, her hand working quickly on her clit chasing her own orgasm. From her rapid breathing it seemed she was close too.

“Fuck fuck fuck,” I moaned out, stealing control once more with my arms keeping her in place as I hammered into her in such a heated primal manner, for a brief moment I thought I might split her in two. Her moans and speed on herself matched my own, “Fuck I’m gonna cum.” I grunted, my thrusts into her sloppy and desperate.

As I reached my climax it seemed she did too, now taking over and fucking herself on my twitching cock as it spilled seed into her. Somewhere weaved amongst our curses and moans she uttered words I didn’t expect.

“I love you.”

My eyes widened immediately, and I expected her to stop but she kept going, riding out our highs together. She rode me until I had nothing left to give her. Until she finally fell on the couch next me, breathless.

“God that never gets old,” She exhaled then glanced over me with hooded hazel eyes. “Your dick is too good.” She joked.

I forced a smile in an attempt to act normal, “You ride me too good.” My own chest rising and falling rapidly.

She used the back of her hand to wipe off a layer of sweat from her forehead. “Dickmatized.” She chuckled.

She was pretending nothing happened. Maybe it was just the “dickmatization” – whatever the fuck that means - or the drugs that made her say what she said. Hopefully that was the case.

The words scared the shit out of me.

She stretched over behind us to pluck a half smoked blunt from and ash tray, promptly lighting the end causing a burning crackle. As she put her lips and inhaled it sizzled red at the end. Her back landed next to me again, exhaling a thick puff cloud of smoke above us.

I plucked the brown roll from her fingertips and mimicked her actions. As the puff cloud seeped from my lungs, my eyes followed the swirls of smoke. Aspen’s mention of Elsie from earlier rang like church bells in my head. God, I missed her. I missed her laugh, her smile, our jokes. Even when I was high, I’d want to bring up our inside jokes, jokes that Aspen would never understand. As fucked up as it was, I wish it was Elsie here doing this with me. She stopped smoking with me after my breakdowns and she’d never do the things Aspen and I do. Not that I’d want her to – well, I guess in a selfish way I did. But I’d never let her.

It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t want from Elsie, I ruined everything. She wouldn’t take my calls and I didn’t blame her. Once I get my shit together, I’ll make it up to her. I’ll get sober and I won’t have to hide it from her anymore, I wouldn’t have to stay away anymore. We could go back to normal. I just needed to get this out of my system, like a last hurrah. This would be it. Forever. I’ll get sober and I’ll never touch anything ever again. But right now, I had it under control, and I was just having fun.

“Hey you okay?” The blonde nudged me obviously picking up on my dissociation.

“Yeah, yeah,” I snapped out of it, sitting up a bit. “Just uh- I think I’m coming down, we got anything over there?”

She stretched back over to the side table, holding her tongue between her lips while she focused. I heard a rattle of a bottle and just the noise relieved whatever internal struggle raged inside me. “A client gave me these, but I didn’t like them.” She shrugged, handing me the orange prescription container, “They made me sick, but you might like ‘em.”

I swiped the pad of my thumb across the label, “Thomas George” letting out a chuckle, “What kinda name is Thomas George?” I squinted reading the smaller print to see what exactly she handed me. “Oxycodone.” I read quietly exhaling when I realized what I was holding. “I’ve never tried these.” Looking up at her.

“You don’t have to take it if you don’t want to. I’ve heard that shit’s strong,” She slumped next to me, “But I think we only have coke left.”

That’s the last thing I wanted to hear, so far I liked coke, but I liked pills so much better. “Fuck.” I held the bottle up to my eyeline and shook the pills, the bottle half full.

How different could it be from anything else I’ve taken? It couldn’t be that different, right?

I nodded, “Okay, I’ll be fine right?”

She grinned, tucking a strand of pink behind her ear, “I mean, if it feels good, it can’t be bad right?”

Aspen wasn’t like me – not fully at least. She did drugs for fun, she had an inclination for some and really got stuck on others. But she had some way of not getting fully addicted to anything. I didn’t know how she did it, but it was hard to keep up with her.

But I had kept up so far and I didn’t want her to catch on that I might not have the same talent her. I couldn’t have her be another Elsie, especially after what she just said to me moments ago. I could handle myself, I had it under control, and I didn’t need someone monitoring me. And I didn’t want to end my fun with Aspen prematurely.

“You sure?” I propped a brow up at her.

She shrugged, “It’s up to you babe. I won’t be able to see him for at least a week.”

Just the mention of him, even without his name boiled my blood. I furrowed my brows at her, “Wait why not?”

“O-Oh,” She faltered like I just caught her in some secret, “Um, he’s on a business trip!” Her annunciation peaking up indicating there was something she was hiding.

“I know you’re lying, what is it?”

“I-I well u-um-“ She stuttered.

“Spit it out Aspen!” My voice louder and harsher than I intended, the Xanax comedown was beginning to hit me.

She flinched, “Um, they went on vacation.”

My brows lowered and I felt my pulse rising, “Vacation?”

“Um, yeah it’s uh-“ She looked down playing with her thumbs, “It’s their one year.”

I clenched my jaw, “And where did they go?”

“Uh- I think they went to Cabo?” She winced pulling back from me.

“Cabo!” My voice booming throughout the loft, and I could feel a vein pulse in my forehead.

She shuddered, “I’m sorry, I-I didn’t wanna tell you. I knew it’d upset you.”

Letting out a sigh, I squeezed my eyes shut. “I’m sorry ‘Pen.” Softening my tone, “I didn’t mean to yell like that. I’m coming down, okay?”

“It’s okay. I understand, I get like that too.” She kept her eyes down, playing with a stray thread on a pillow.

“Hey,” I picked her chin up to catch her eyes, “I really am sorry. I didn’t mean it. I don’t care about Cabo, I’m just pissed we have to wait for him to get back.” Lying straight through my teeth.

She relaxed her tensed body, “I can try to get something from the girls at work?”

“I’d really appreciate that.” The panic of our low stock and the vision of them on vacation began to overtake my mind. I needed to get it the fuck out. “You got water over there?” I winced at the thumping sound of my new upstairs neighbors, only worsening the pounding in my head.

She nodded and reached over, holding a cold glass of water for me. “Thanks.” Cranking the cap off the bottle with one hand and dropping a white pill in the palm of my hand. I tossed the pill back, taking the cup and swallowing it down with water.

“Now, how can I make it up to you?” I stretched behind us to place the glass down on the wooden side table.

The edges of her mouth curled into a soft smile, “Well we could-”

“Oh my god! What do they have a fucking elephant up there?” Pressing fingers into my pounding temple.

Aspen’s brows furrowed, “What?”

“The neighbors upstairs, it sounds like they’re playing Just Dance with cinderblocks for shoes.” I groaned spreading my digits across my eyebrows trying to ease the ache behind them.

She let out a small chuckle, “Babe I don’t think they’re even home.”

I rolled my eyes, “Are you serious? You haven’t heard them banging around and yelling for the past week?”

“No?” She laughed and nudged me, “I think you’re hearing things silly – or maybe you got...” She wiggled her fingers ominously, “ghosts ooooh.”

I curled my eyebrows together at her words thinking over the past week. “Yeah… maybe. I think I just have a bad migraine right now.” Shaking my head, thinking how the fuck she couldn’t hear the loud bustle from above. “How about we play some music?”

Aspen pulled herself up, “You have a migraine but you wanna play music?” She giggled, “You’re being so weird today.”

I stifled the kneejerk reaction to glare at her but just reached between us digging out my phone from the couch cushions. As soon as she saw me open Spotify and connect to my Alexa, she leaped over me. “Play something fun!” Tugging at my arm like a toddler, “We can dance!”

I knew if I didn’t give in to her, she wouldn’t drop it. I groaned like an annoyed boyfriend being dragged onto a dancefloor – which I guess, that’s exactly what it was. I begrudgingly peeled myself from the couch, mindlessly hit shuffle and dropped my phone on the couch cushion. The music lagged a bit before I finally met Aspen in the middle of my carpeted living room. She was clearly riding on her own high by the way she was bouncing around before the music even began.

An eerie calm began to wash through my veins and slow my brain. As the calming high from the pill ebbed in, I hadn’t even realized what song started playing until Aspen excitingly exclaimed, “I love Elvis!”

My heart plummeted into the pit of my stomach as the intro of Suspicious Minds creeped through the speaker. The nostalgic lyrics flashed memories of me and Elsie in my old dorm. Our impromptu performances were some of my favorite memories – they were innocent, careless, full of a forgotten hope that had long slipped from my fingers.

I could barely remember my life before Elsie, and I never thought there would be a life after her. I guess I always just assumed we’d always have each other. I never envisioned a time where I wouldn’t have her in my life or where we weren’t “Austin and Elsie” - nonetheless because of me. It wasn’t until that moment that the reality set in, that she may not forgive me. I wanted to believe that we could make it through anything, but this was uncharted territory.

Seeing Aspen spin in Elsie’s place felt like a cheap replacement, like a knockoff designer bag or a low-quality pirated movie. The truth was that I missed her. I missed her so fucking much.

Thankfully, the new drug seeping into my system began to numb my racing thoughts. The foreign feeling of it surprised me, it was reminiscent of Xanax but better - which I didn’t think was possible. If Xanax was a fluffy cloud, Percocet was an endless sea of silky fluff. The aching remorse faded into the background and the room seemed lighter than before. Aspen took my hand in an effort to get me to dance with her and for a split second I could’ve sworn it was Elsie. The initial excitement of the error didn’t disappear though and the music helped soothe the turbulence in my brain.

If this was the bed I chose to make, maybe one constructed from sugary marshmallow fluff wouldn’t be so bad.

Next Chapter -> 30 - It's Not Living (If It's Not With You)

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sorry this took so long - highkey this chp was so difficult for me to edit/finish for some reason, so, sorry if it’s not the best :/

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