#you don't have to ration out the queerness

[quietwingsinthesky]

it's also very telling to me that 90% of the time people joke about sam being straight, they're doing it in comparison to dean, who is "obviously more queercoded" or "canonically bisexual".

and it's just. it's just. this is not a competition. they can both be queer. why are you so insistent that one has to be straight (or even homophobic, because that's the level it can get pushed to when people get really mean about this stuff) to emphasize the other's queerness. that's a weird thing to do. that's really weird. don't do that, maybe.

#spn #sam winchester #dean winchester #like. i am sorry to tell you that they are both queercoded in different ways. and that's. okay. they can both be queer. #you don't have to ration out the queerness #i mean im saying this knowing that the actual reason sam gets pushed to the side is because either a) he's boring or b) he's not a #part of a certain ship that shall not be named. #but hey benefit of the doubt here. #am i being mean? i feel like im being a little mean. it's warranted. i'm annoyed.

[x-v4mp3y3lin3r-x]

if you're deconstructing your ideas of binary gender and binary sex— you also have to deconstruct your ideas of binary sexuality and romantic attraction, too, fyi

#'are you saying homosexuals don't really exist??!?!!?!' no. please use your brain. #im saying it literally doesn't matter if a lesbian dates someone who YOU perceive as a man. #because the people in that relationship know more than you. #and human experience does not exist in a binary. #you have to accept that sometimes other people will experience life differently than you do #this also goes for gays and bis and pans and aces and aros. #the only people who get to define their experiences are them. #so no I don't really care if a gay man says his true love is a woman and he means it. #i still consider him gay. because he knows himself and his partner better than i know how to perceive them both #and how someone else identifies is none of my business. #that woman may be only part woman. or only perceived as a woman. or only sometimes a woman. or always both woman and man. #there's so many ways to be human. you have to learn to take other queers at face value and not question them #when you question if someone is 'REALLY gay' or 'REALLY trans' or 'REALLY bi'; you're thinking with the mindset of an oppressor #you do not need to gatekeep queerness. queerness is not a limited resource. queer people are not your enemies. #learn to empathize and embrace experiences unlike yours. be a better ally to the people in your own community instead of immediately - #- searching for ways to cast them out. be better. stop thinking like our oppressors. queer people do not need to rationalize ourselves for - #- anyone. they don't owe you an explanation. you cannot take their 'gay card' away.

[aeide-thea]

like, someone posted an article recently that was like 'i didn't like these books because the main characters were women who slept with women but weren't sufficiently enlightened about it for me as a queer woman to feel Represented,' and i just felt like. i bet i wouldn't enjoy those books either, judging from the reviewer's description! but faced with a review that's like 'these characters had attitudes i found unpleasant'—iirc a tendency to ironic detachment and internalized fatphobia respectively, which, to be clear, i expect i would also find unpleasant! but those are attitudes that plenty of real young women do have; are we arguing it's only acceptable to tell stories about the sort of people we'd personally want to befriend?—'so i didn't find their stories nourishing,' it's hard for me not to think, okay, fair enough, but—should 'nourishing' really be the definitive metric for art? should 'savory'? an author's job is, after all, to make art, not food…

#like. sometimes art is a door and not a mirror or a meal or whatever. #(also sometimes it might be a mirror for someone who isn't you. or for someone you don't want to be.) #anyway. let's all go reread some cheever and then reconvene. #discussion questions: do you feel represented by neddy merrill's nonmonogamy. is it problematic to set a story in the suburbs. #does it alter your reaction to learn that cheever was queer. #bookblogging #(also like. the thing abt this discussion is like. my feelings ALSO revolt at stuff like this. frequently and vehemently‚ even! #i just think like. it's not sufficient to feel‚ & to then regurgitate that feeling & call it a take; you also have to think. #and‚ like‚ *actually* think (and *re*think if necessary)‚ not just apply a veneer of rationalization to yr original kneejerk reaction. #otherwise—how are we actually better than the conservatives we disdain. #we have to have actual thought-out principles we attempt to consult‚ not just a different set of outraged‚ reactive feelings.) #(this also gets tricky because like. we obviously get to dislike things‚ & to complain abt them! fucked up to suggest otherwise! #but at the same time—there IS a point at which censure tips over into censorship. #like. most people will not feel free to behave in ways that are decried sufficiently strongly by sufficiently many voices. #so if we value freedom—and i hope we do!—i think we have a responsibility to be thoughtful abt how we use our voice.) #(which isn't to say don't do it! sometimes it would be shameful not to! #but power dynamics are complex‚ and sometimes punching a person as hard as you'd punch a system means the blow rebounds #and has knock-on effects you didn't entirely intend and don't‚ perhaps‚ on reflection entirely endorse.)

[dragonpaint]

im going to McFuckin'g lose it i need to meet and hang out with queer people i can't stand being surrounded with cishet people anymore i'm going to Scream

#literally every conversation if it goes on long enough will eventually lead down to negative comments about queer people #or just shitting on cishet people for not being cishet enough 'bc you can never know these days' #im just boiling with rage in my head bc im shit at arguing bc i get too angry too fast to be able to get more rational response #or i just don't join the conversation bc i know there's no way to explain to them nicely under a minute when i'm busy with work #every time i think at least irl people i care about arent as cruel and stupid. they just say even dumber shit unprovoked #no you didn't have your brain rotten less from internet than SWJs that yell hashtag cancelled at the stupidest commercial #that nobody takes serious anyway and knows its just a bait for outrage to get their brand better known #you're just as brain broken (and worse) for seeing a person with 'bigger bones' and thinking oh she's definitely a man #a real woman doesn't look like that #or vice versa this man is too feminine to be a real man #you stupid bitch im queer do you think the same of me then?!??? #im so tempted to out myself but its still a bad time to do it now that i finally have a good job #living in the middle of vukojebina doesn't help At All #just smile and wave. you're witnessing mental illness

[ohnoitstbskyen]

Often when people talk about appearance of characters in media, especially that of women, some use an argument along the lines of "Why would I want to look at someone ugly in the games I play/shows I watch/etc.?"

From what I saw, and if I'm not wrong, you prefer to not engage with that kind of argument, but if you absolutely had to, what answer would you give that could have a chance to make those people see and maybe agree with your point?

I mean, the reason why I wouldn't engage with that argument is that it is always, universally, without exception, an argument made in bad faith, by people who are lying when they utter it. And it takes only the briefest examination of reality to determine this.

The argument they pretend to make is that "there is no reason to desire things that are not pleasurable in entertainment," in response to which I present The Concept Of Horror Media, or the success of Jackass, or South Park, or literally any subversive prank show, or sports as a concept, or the genre of tragedy, or the phenomenon of people rubbernecking. I present true crime podcasts and biographies of John Wayne Gacy and Mortal Kombat fatalities, I present unflinchingly earnest documentaries about war and disease, I present cringe comedy, I present the entire online media genre of pimple popper videos.

Human beings desire so much more than beauty, so much more than aesthetic pleasure (and indeed we can take aesthetic pleasure in so much more than beauty). We find entertainment in disgust, horror, fear, revulsion, sorrow, embarrassment, pain and, yes, "ugliness" all the time, and we have done for as long as we have had sentient minds to entertain.

So this argument "why would I want to look at someone ugly in a video game" is simply a lie. It is an argument made in bad faith by people whom I will guarantee you against a bet of real money constantly look at things which are "ugly" for entertainment.

It is a lie, it is a stupid lie, and while I'm sure that many or most of the people who peddle that lie don't realize they are lying when they do it, it remains a lie which isn't worth dignifying with a response.

And anyway, 99% of the time they don't mean "ugly" they mean "woman who I don't find fuckable" or they mean "fat" or they mean "trans" or they mean "queer" or "non-white," they mean someone or some thing which falls into a category which they feel entitled to hate, and they are trying to enforce the normality of that hate.

You cannot logic someone out of a position they didn't logic themselves in to, and there is very rarely anything you can say to these people to make them reconsider. They are reacting emotionally, they are reacting on the impulse towards disgust and hatred, and they will rationalize a lie to excuse it.

#beauty culture

[olderthannetfic]

I have really mixed feelings about the small proportion of F/F fiction (original or fanfic), because yeah sure, people have their desires, they should write what they want, I get it. It all works out when I hear it from person to person. But somehow the logic only ever applies in one direction? "There are more male protagonists because men only care about male characters! Women also mostly care about male characters, because that's the majority of characters they get!" And then somehow we also yet kvetch when men write female characters (because it's incorrectly or something, nevermind if women are writing male characters correctly). Why don't we expect gay men to feel compelled only by femslash for the same reasons (but gender swapped) as the lesbian slashers/fujoshi? All of those very rational justifications are applied selectively, "for me for not for thee," and it all only leads to "idk I just don't wanna write femslash", for Reasons. Do we get to call them microaggressions yet?

--

No, you don't get to call other people's fantasy life a microaggression.

That is indeed "for me but not for thee" in the sense that you get to want what you want but other people aren't supposed to follow their id.

Do you also police gay men who spend too much time on drag and obsessing over female divas? That's an actual real world behavior that's somewhat equivalent. It frequently goes unchallenged, at least by progressives, because men are allowed to do whatever they want with chick stuff, while women are "stealing" if they dare to stray into dude stuff.

(God, I've seen so much more policing of drag kings being ~problematic~ for acting out stereotypical gender than policing of drag queens for the same. It's nuts!)

Fujoshi are often queer, but it's absurd to think we're mostly lesbians. We tend to be bi or asexual women with gender stuff going on, though there is a mix of everybody, including lesbians. There are also a lot of AFAB non-women who get lumped in with us. On the rare occasions I find a man willing to admit to being a similar demographic, he usually does like gender play in his hobbies and entertainment. It's just that men face even more pressure than women do to fit into tidy categories. Bi women get told we're whores. Bi men are told they don't exist.

Yes, I know plenty of lesbians who write more m/m than f/f, but in the big picture of all of AO3 or all of fanfic or all of media, they aren't the demographic driving these numbers. They're vastly outnumbered by the bi women, the asexual women, and the straight and gnc women.

The men we should be looking at as an equivalent aren't cis gay men but bicurious soy boys and the like.

Do most of us fujoshi object to equivalent men doing an equivalent thing? I've seen it sometimes, and I agree it's hypocritical. I'd like us to afford men the same ability to play and take on identities in their art. I remember enjoying Ranma fandom back in the day and reading quite a lot of f/f that was probably by men. It had some of that same sense of distance and fantasy that I so enjoy in m/m aimed at fujoshi. (I do consume some by-cis-gay, for-cis-gay content, both m/m and f/f, but it's often too literal and too bound up in specific named identities for my taste.)

On average, the people I see complaining most about men producing f/f material are the same people who think that because I have a clit, I should center my life around women exclusively. In other words, people spouting radfem ideology, perhaps on purpose or perhaps without realizing.

I do agree that some of the ways of expressing a lack of desire to write femslash can get pretty douchey. I want us to move away from some of the less accurate ones like "There are no compelling female characters" because of this.

But the reason for all these jerkass explanations is that women and people perceived as women who like m/m are constantly asked to explain ourselves. These aren't usually microaggressions: they're openly hostile. People get defensive and try to answer with important-sounding reasons about identity and pain because society at large won't accept "I like this" as the true explanation.

Pleasure is never enough of a reason for a woman to do something.

[diabolocracy]

"Problematique media bad because it harms people because mentally ill people or children might read it and try to do it :("

Let's ban Superman, then, since there are many kids who have leapt from high heights trying to fly because they saw him do it in comics or on the teevee. (Fun fact, dunno if it's national, but at least one Canadian province already technically has a ban on all comics/stories of that nature for the reasoning of "someone blamed these stories for their own chosen actions". Not that anyone enforces it, buuuut...)

Let's also ban anime. Remember that (unsupervised, might I say) kid that buried his head in the sand and died because he wanted to be like Gaara from the Narutos? No? Well now you know about it.

Oh, what's that? You like Superman? You like anime...? You don't want these things banned because some people are stupid and failed to give their children the "don't try to replicate what you see/read in fiction" talk? Too bad! Blanket ban!! For the good of the people who clearly cannot be trusted to teach their kids or take care of their mentally ill family!!!

While I'm on this rant,

"Problematique media bad because people can use it to groom others :("

As many people have pointed out time and time again, people who groom kiddies IRL use candy, cute animals, and other small gifts (if they don't just grab Little Timmy and pull him into their car in a drive-by abduction).

Let's ban candy! Let's ban cute animals! Let's ban plush toys, comic books, and all other little nick-knacks because again, people cannot be trusted to supervise or otherwise look after their own children or even provide their brats the most basic safety talks!

"But when I was a kid I thought [thing] was okay because I read about it in a fanfic :("

Well, buttercup, sorry to tell you this, but your parents and teachers all failed you! :) Perhaps this blame can even extend to the government, because when I was growing up there were PSAs on the television about NOT REPLICATING THINGS YOU SEE ON TV OR READ ABOUT IN FICTIONAL STORIES.

EDUCATION IS SUPERIOR TO BANNING.

EDUCATION IS SUPERIOR TO MAKING STRANGERS OR THE GOVERNMENT BABYSIT YOU OVER MOTHERFUCKIN' STORIES.

And that doesn't even stop at all this bullshit about problematique fiction! Unfortunately, rational human beings with a brain have to co-exist with idiots too uncurious and too stupid to learn about anything that makes them personally uncomfortable (like republicans and conservatives and TERFs and neo-nazis and, yes, fanpol, you too--I'd go so far as to call you guys "useful idiots" like fellow queers who fell for the "LGB drop the T" attempt to divide and conquer the queer community bullshit perpetrated by the Christian right and no that is not a bullshit conspiracy theory)!

🙂Anyway, back to making cookies run. Bye

#proship #screaming

[coraniaid]

In Season 2's Becoming, after being outed as the Slayer to her mother, Buffy delivers a monologue in which she insists she never wanted to be a Slayer ("do you think I choose to be like this? do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous?") and that she wishes she could be doing almost anything else with her life ("God, even studying") but she doesn't have a choice ("I have to save the world, again"). Indeed by the end of the episode that obligation to put her own desires aside and do whatever's necessary to save the world will force her to send the man she loves to hell. Being a Slayer explicitly costs her everything she cares about ("I've got nothing left to lose", as she tells Whistler even before killing Angel).

So, obviously, large sections of the Buffy fandom on here have decided that this means Buffy loves being a Slayer and has fully accepted it as a part of who she is, that she has no rational reason to resent Giles at all, and that she only leaves town at the end of the episode (leaving a note behind for her mother and not telling anybody else) because her mother doesn't accept her and "kicks her out of the house" (an empty threat that Buffy takes so literally she's back in her bedroom packing for LA before the episode ends).

.... I mean, you do see how at odds with the text this reading is, right? However much you want Joyce to be the singular villain here, she's really not.

Buffy: "I never wanted to be a Slayer and in fact being a Slayer has made me miserable and I'm going to run away and change my name and hide from my Watcher so I don't have to be the Slayer anymore"

The fandom, incessantly: "hoho, Joyce blames Giles for Buffy running away, how ridiculous".

(Yes, there is a popular metaphorical reading of the show in which Buffy being "the Slayer" should be understood as Buffy being bi or trans or otherwise queer. And yes, in this reading Joyce's reaction to finding out the truth about her daughter-- already not great! -- becomes particularly terrible.

But that specific metaphorical reading is the not the One True Way of understanding the show. It's not something to which every single thing that happens on screen can be reduced. It's simply one interpretation among many and, in some episodes -- like this one! -- it works less well than it does at other times.

In the actual text of the show, Buffy has just told her mother that she's a reluctant child solider recruited into an impossibly dangerous conflict by a man who Joyce barely knows. A man who has insisted Buffy keep this all secret from her mother and lied to her face about it for months (Giles wouldn't even let Joyce know about vampires after a vampire trying to hurt Buffy attacked her in her own home! He didn't let her know about Angelus!)

Of course Joyce is upset about this! Of course she blames Giles! You know who else often blames Giles for Buffy having to be a Slayer? You know who started this season with a nightmare in which Giles tried to murder Buffy? Buffy herself.)

#btvs

[not-goldy]

Right now there are some tkk left confused. Some left after Paris, some have been barely hanging on. Even saw some saying what Tae did with JK with the face time shirtless screenshot, actually mad them angry because now they feel Tae is gaslighting them or trolling them, esp since its all but confirmed he was in fact dating Jennie for 2 years. Coming to terms with things isn't easy or instant. It takes time. You don't have to switch from Tk to Jikook and accept Jikook is real now. What you can do is set yourself on your own path, away from the major big TK accounts still gaslighting you and making hella money off you. You say, well they aren't leaving and staying for a reason, maybe they do know things about TK. OR maybe its more like, why would they leave, even if Taekook is not real, cause you give them clout, money, attention and exposure. They ain't leaving when you do that, but you can.

The 5 big tk accounts who always end up on report accounts and you know who they are. Start with reporting these accounts and help them get taken down. Or better yet, take a stand against them and speak your peace to them. You earned the right. Do you honestly, deep down really think Jikook did this because there were no other choices? Come on. Don't do that to yourself. You've been corrected by Karmy who actually speak Jk's language on what he wanted to do and the reality is, it wouldn't have been where Tae is. And Tats didn't prevent him for being with Tae, cause Tae could have scarified and did this with Jk and went with him and you know this. This isn't a case of Jk will transfer to be with Tae after 5 weeks. You also know that is not gonna happen, it would defeat the whole point of what Jk did enlisting through buddy system. I am speaking to you like a rational adult. Like a human. Don't let these accounts who have gaslit you and made money off you, continue to lead you down a path of thinking Taekook are real and dating and Jimin and Hybe are villains keeping them apart and after military Tk are gonna come out and announce they are married with 2 adopted children. (TBH, you should have reported that grumpy tkk woman the day she said this, cause you know that is not sane. Its actually defamation, slander and mental illness) that you went alone with. You know Jk is a capable adult. You wanna say, well he liked a taekook tiktok. And honey he is the creator of GCF Tokyo, the biggest Jikook edit with a queer love song. He might have liked a TK tiktok edit, like he did a Jinkook edit, but he went with Jimin to Japan for 5 days right before enlisting. Sorry, to me that holds more significance. Saying Tae showed them shirtless was sending a message. They were also in sperate houses, talking and Vmin also said they video call shirtless, so there's that. Not to mention Jikook were standing next to each other on their private vacation with arm around their naked torso, in Jk's bday post pic from Jimin. The word T O G E T H E R, not separate houses. Don't do this to yourself and do the compare game, it won't work out for you. Do yourself a favor and Take what Jikook did with this enlistment as a reminder, to never let anyone else tell you what to feel or think, cause Taekook lives is telling you Jikook are not close, but Jikook are showing you different. Think for yourself. Or, wait around and keep holding on and let the fall be so bad, you will never recover from it. That is a scary thought to live with. If you think Paris was a bad fall, you wait for Jikook out of the Military. This was your warning shot from jikook. Your way as an out for good. Their way of telling you nothing will ever stop them from prioritizing each other and best believe they gonna show you when they get out. I would listen to them, if it were me and not someone gaslighting me to make money off me. Choice is yours.

💜💜💜💜💜💜

[hussyknee]

I accidentally deleted this ask yesterday but fortunately had a screenshot. Ngl I'm kind of ??? about it because...why would you single out Hinduism to pick the most fundamentalist, cultural and political aspect of it, that's not even practised in most the Hindu minorities outside of India? Nearly every community in India has a caste system regardless of religion. Within Hinduism there's no just one caste system either. Eelam Tamil Hindus have a caste system, but it's not as violent as India's (although of course still violent and oppressive). Sinhalese have a caste system too, and the ones still invested in it would swear blind this was related to Buddhism somehow, a doctrine that preaches against inequality of any kind. Caste systems are literally haram in Islam and yet some Muslim communities managed to rationalize creating one because they wanted to assimilate into the worst of us I guess.

I know fuck all about Hinduism to tell you the truth, but my sister is a convert and devotee of Durga Matha. I asked her about it and she sent me this:

There are as many variants of Hinduism as there are varieties of grass. The only thing they have in common is the Vedas which is a bunch of hymns and stuff. It doesn't really go into detail about caste.

The caste system comes from a book called Manu Smriti. Some accept it as a Hindu text, some don't. Hinduism isn't even a religion actually. It's a bunch of similar belief systems that the Britishers lumped in together for ease of classification. Within Hinduism there are many sects- Saivism, Shaktism, Vaishnavism, etc. So to define Hinduism as some sort of oppressive religion doesn't make sense because it isn't a religion as Westerners define it. Anyway, truth is everyone cherry picks the parts of religion that suits them and discards the rest. Some think that's being dishonest. I think that's just common sense.

This makes sense to me. It's very colonial to monolithize belief systems that evolved from the disparate religious texts and syncretic practices of dozens of kingdoms and dynasties over 4000 years, just because it shares the unique character of belonging to the Indian subcontinent. (Which is precisely why its propagated by Hindutva nutcases. They're imperialist colonizers permanently snorting Indian manifest destiny crack.)

Bestie. Friendo. My guy (gender neutral). Ideology doesn't shape society. People wrap ideology around what they already want to believe and do. This is how you get Zionists (both Christian and Jewish), Wahabi/Salafi Muslims, Hindutvas and... whatever we're supposed to call this current iteration of Theravadin Buddhism that is also characterized by ethnosupremacy and genocide. Religion takes the character of the individuals and ideologues that choose to follow it. There are no exceptions.

To reiterate the point that inspired this ask: Some LGBT folks's queerness is inextricable from their religious identity. Stigmatising and ostracizing religion in queer spaces is alienating, racist and violent. Just like no one should force religion on you, no one should force secularism on people either. There is enough air for us all to breathe free.

#religion #hinduism #religious tolerance #casteism #social stratification #buddhism #islam #anti zionism #hindutva #culture and society #racism #colonialism #christianity #knee of huss #asks #anon #sri lanka

[that-ari-blogger]

Who exactly is this about? (I'm Not That Girl)

When you are finding someone to play Elphaba in a production of Wicked, you need someone with range. Not just vocal range, but acting skill. Because they need to be able to perform with the stage presence and anger inherent in Defying Gravity, but they also need to be able to reach the devastating low that is I'm Not That Girl.

To me, I'm Not That Girl is at the core of what Wicked is, and what musicals are in general. It is a combination of singing and acting, and is someone excelling at both.

But, I would like to drive home the queer reading of this story, and try to explain why I think that reading adds to the message and power of the musical.

Let me explain.

SPOILERS AHEAD (Wicked)

I don't think I need to explain why this song hits so unbelievably hard. It's about unrequited love, and its a strength of the satire that is this musical.

Usually in musicals and fairy tales, the love story is fairly uncomplicated, with an extra option thrown in but not really given much depth and the audience doesn't really buy the drama.

Seriously, how many of you shipped Belle and Gastone?

So, this is a song about that love not working out, not because of plot reasons, but because its entirely one sided at this point. To Elphaba's knowledge, and probably the audience's as well, Fiyero loves Galinda, and there's nothing she can do about it.

"Don't wish, don't start Wishing only wounds the heart I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl There's a girl I know He loves her so I'm not that girl"

This is the other side of love, heartbreak.

Elphaba is a relatively rational character. She has been through the ringer and has ended up detached and restricted in her emotions. Now, someone has pushed through her barriers and she doesn't know what to do about it.

This song seems to me like Elphaba wrestling with love as a whole. Don't feel, don't try. It'll hurt too much, it's not worth the pain. So why can't she stop thinking about it?

The term "rose and thorn" sent me down a spiral.

Both Florists' Transworld Delivery and Bloom and Wild gave a ton of meanings for roses that boiled down to "it's romantic."

Pearls meanwhile have a ton of meanings depending on the culture. The blog My Pearl proposed these, most of which did not have anything to do with love at all. According to My Pearl, pearls are commonly associated with purity, innocence, and wisdom. So, not particularly romantic. However, My Pearl did say this:

"[White Pearls] are often seen as symbols of new beginnings and are often used as gifts for special occasions such as weddings and anniversaries."

So, this is a symbol of a happy ending, and Elphaba is essentially saying that she doesn't deserve that because of her birth. In essence, she is convinced that her difference makes her unworthy of happiness, which... if you think this about yourself, please don't. I don't know who you are, but you are worthy of love.

"Every so often we long to steal To the land of what-might-have-been But that doesn't soften the ache we feel When reality sets back in"

My main point for this series on Wicked as a whole has been that it is about dreams and reality colliding, and this verse fits with that. It's Elphaba letting herself imagine and fantasise about a stolen moment with Fiyero. Once again, at this point she has no idea that Fiyero likes her back, so this is purely theoretical.

I have been using the free sheet music from this website for my analysis, and I would like to stress before I continue that I am far from an expert on the actual theory of music here. I can point to which bits go up and down, and can name a few chords, but I can't tell you about the intricate workings of that.

With that said, allow me to attempt some music theory.

The time signature of this song is all over the place, split between 4/4 and 6/8. In other words, sometimes the bars finish earlier, and so the thoughts within continue, pulling you along as you wait for the conclusion.

In this song, the two signatures differentiate that splitting of reality and dreams. For example, the verse below is in 6/8 time:

As Elphaba imagines, she breaks from reality and the verse is really flowy, almost comforting within the song. But then it ceases the second she comes back to reality.

This keeps happening. Elphaba starts in reality, then drifts into dreams and comes crashing back down.

This time, however, the reality of the verse is about Galinda, the barrier between Elphaba and happiness, the wall she stands in her way. Although, it's a little bit odd to talk about a romantic rival in the way that Elphaba does, isn't it?

"Blithe smile, lithe limb She who's winsome, she wins him Gold hair with a gentle curl"

Let's talk about Dolly Parton.

I genuinely had a whole section trying to argue that this song is the Jolene of musical theatre, but then multiple people mentioned it to me in person by that term, and @a-fast-rebloger referred to it as such here on tumblr. So clearly I'm preaching to the converted here.

So instead, I'm going to explain what that means.

First up, the queer coding of Jolene is barely less than explicit, its essentially the one Romeo and Juliet speech that everyone remembers. "Romeo, romeo, am I in love with you?"

But, the song actually has a history with the queer community, with this article by Nadine Hubbs detailing its implications. The song also has covers and rewrites that bring that subtext to the forefront by Nadine Hubbs, Rainaeiry, Annapantsu (@annapantsu), Jessica Rica, and Dolly Parton herself (Although I have not been able to find footage of this), as well as arguably the versions by Lil Nas X and Caleb Hyles.

Rainaeiry has two covers of Jolene on her youtube channel, by the way, and a cover of I'm Not That Girl that I highly recommend.

Jolene is a song about unrequited love and being unable to do anything about it, and the song focuses on the woman who forms the barrier to this love. It is a song about defeat.

"Your beauty is beyond compare With flaming locks of auburn hair Ivory skin and eyes of emerald green Your smile is like a breath of spring Your voice is soft like summer rain And I cannot compete with you Jolene"

Compare that with this:

"Blithe smile, lithe limb She who's winsome, she wins him Gold hair with a gentle curl That's the girl he chose And Heaven knows I'm not that girl"

This is more than just thematic parallels, this is subject overlap, and remember when I mentioned the dreams vs reality theme being expressed by the time signature? Well take a look at the time signature for that verse.

The verse switches halfway through, as Elphaba begins describing her friend, and that dreaminess comes back as she discusses Galinda, but then dissipates when she remembers where she stands.

This is a love song by Elphaba, about Galinda. It's about how Elphaba isn't deserving, how she isn't pretty, how she isn't chosen. And who does she associate with those traits, but Galinda.

And here is where my reading comes in, finally. I read both of these witches as either biromantic or bisexual, probably both. Galinda for reasons I will get to in a later post, but Elphaba because of this song.

This song to me, is a true love triangle. Elphaba is desperately in love with both Fiyero and Galinda, but she can't reconcile those feelings, and she can see that they both seem to make each other happy, and she doesn't want to break that for either of them. This is a song about defeat.

I keep separating the line "I'm not that girl" from the rest of the verses, and I've been doing that for a reason. The line gets separated by the music as a melodic outlier.

Every part of the song rises and falls. I'm not sure what this is technically called musically, but it's like a ramp or a ski jump. The notes lower slowly, then raise sharply and drop off even more so, as seen above. This matches the song as a whole, which rises and falls in the same way. But consider the following:

This is the only line in the entire song that only descends. It is a line of resignation, as the reality weighs down on our protagonist. Once again, this is a song about someone who does not feel like she deserves love from either Fiyero or Galinda, because of how she was born.

And I will say this again: If you feel like Elphaba here, that you are undeserving of affection, then you are wrong. Everyone is worthy of love, even you.

Final Thoughts

The correct term for this song is "heart wrenching".

While it isn't my favourite in the musical, you will just have to wait and see for that, it is definitely up there, and is one of the few numbers in all of musical theatre that I would classify as a perfect song.

Also, I would not be able to forgive myself if I wrote this post and didn't mention that Steffan Hughes' rendition of I'm Not That Girl is genuinely the most emotionally resonant video on YouTube and it needs more attention than it has.

Next week, I will be looking at One Short Day, so stick around if that interests you.

Previous - Next

#wicked musical #rants #literary analysis #literature analysis #what's so special about...? #wicked #elphaba #galinda upland #elphaba thropp #wicked the musical #glinda #galinda x elphaba #glinda x elphaba #glinda upland #gelphie #fiyero #im not that girl #lgbt pride #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #wicked is a queer story

[skinandscales-if]

Hello, I really like the setting of your wip. As a queer asian, the institutional oppression and discrimination as a theme hits hard. But I don't understand why the MC doesn't get to express this. There's no option to call out Atlas for being a brainwashed bootlicker or to frame the 'public service recruitment' as enslavement. Instead MC's dissatisfaction seems general and vague, never acknowleding things for what they are. They often seem oblivious to it, in fact. Which is surprising for an IF with such charmingly clear metaphors.

Hey there! Thanks for this message, you make a really good point!

I think the issue here is since there are three programmed “paths” for how MC feels about their dragon form, Pride, Indifference, and Fear. When I’m writing base text for all MC’s, an indifferent and fearful MC actually aren’t aware of the way they are treated, or more literally, they don’t have the words for how they are oppressed in the city. A fearful MC will straight up try to ignore how they are treated, or at least rationalize it to be less worse in their head, while an indifferent MC will acknowledge the injustice, but not necessarily on the systematic level and with the gravity that it deserves.

That being said! I agree that it’s really too vague and distant for an MC that’s prideful of their form and should notice this for what it is, even though that MC has their own whole batch of issues. I think in trying to tie all the MC’s together, I really distanced the issue from its source and gave it too much fallback on the differences in personality, not MC’s personal outlook. Thanks so much for bringing this up! I’m definitely going to be looking for these opportunities to put more comments like this in the future updates 👍

#asks #mc is a weird source because they’re not reliable but they’re not wrong #but the fish out of water bit kinda makes them unable to put their feelings into words #that’s why Reese is there at the start #but yea totally agreed mc needs to be more present #honestly writing the mc has been the most challenging part of the entire process it’s weird #ty for sending this in!

[analytical-rant]

ZERO DAY RANT. 001 TW: SEE TO THE MOVIES CONTENTS BEFORE READING. I WILL BE DISCUSSING THE IMPORTANT BUT TRIGGERING ASPECTS OF THIS MOVIE.

I feel like this message of them killing these people to make others appreciate their lives isn't what it was. It was revenge, and it was suicide. But I just felt like they did feel obligated to that tape. To have some sort of message to their family, because even if burdened by them they felt obligated to reason with what they might think. They thought about what they were doing, they understood its consequences, how people would view it. They know this is wrong, but to Andre this revenge feels necessary. It's the thing that brought hope to something greater than what he was fated for, it's the thing that feels right. Because, to Andre he could've saw it more than murder, he sees it as defense. A point to take, a movement that's been done, they clearly discussed others and they've found reason to believe that they could possibly reclaim this act of slaughter as something rightetous. Something that'll change in a way it needs to be.

Cal is doing this as an act of surrendering. But he doesn't feel completely ready, because he's set on dying. And like any other person, it's terrifying, but to Cal it was also more than that. He's seen to be into poetry, he's spoken of their view as above everyone else's. He believes it's right that they look at the world from this metaphor, from this more scientific way. That they are all animals, and that's reason to believe he finds himself just as insignificant to the world as everyone else he's murdered. But Andre, he never felt obligated, but he obviously felt understood, so he felt reason to believe he could die with this cause. But he never realized how Andre was reliant on his support. On this army of two, Andre needed him.

Andre is filled with anger, and ideation of proving or showing what they, the school, his bullies, what they couldn't see, understand or even come to listen to. Not unless it took something. He wanted revenge, he wanted purpose, he wanted to die doing what he believed would do something. Either he wanted to be more than an animal, more than that kid you called queer, but someone who was capable of war. Someone capable of making change, leaving with something. But he wasn't dying for it, he was risking his life for it. In the end he only died for Cal. But he still was suicidal, he could've felt like he needed something to end everything for him.

Maybe that's it, Andre needed Zero Day to fulfill this need of revenge, while going out with what he felt gave purpose. And, I think he was and wasn't capable of suicide like Cal was. It was obviously a spur of the moment, because after he couldn't go through with it as quickly as he did then. He just finished laughing, shooting at several people, while having a hand to hold onto throughout it. But after everything died down, the situation settled in completely. He was looking to the end more quickly. Because they both knew there was an end to their actions, it was to come from dying. And Andre in that moment, with the silver gun, felt desperate, frantic and no longer rational. Not as methodic as their plan was. Because they were still kids, they were still immature, but they were fucking ill and they were enabling each other.

They don't know these people they've killed, they only viewed them and this school entirely as their enemy. They were neglected, they were hurt, and it didn't help them with what they didn't understand.

They were possibly gay, and it was laughed at. But they were suicidal, murderers. Would they laugh at that?

Ironically, in the end, they did. They put shame to their name, and burnt what they've become. But Cal and Andre were content with what they were, or content with what they believed. Otherwise, they would be standing there in front of the flames too, feeling the hatred themselves. They died with hatred, they died from the cause of hatred. And now they've only created further hate, to which they weren't aiming for but knew would come from this. They knew what they looked like, but they saw reason out of it. Cal saw reason, Andre saw excuse.

PT.2

#zero day #andre kriegman #cal and andre #zero day 2003

[with-ink-and-quill]

The Sound of Your Voice

Pairing: Astarion x Tav

Tags: demisexual Tav! (they/them) mostly flirting and sass, but brief mentions of rejection trauma, Act 1 compliant

Summary: It was supposed to be a quiet morning, but a short, bitter exchange between Astarion and Shadowheart has Tav paying just a little too much attention to how words are shared.

Word Count: 4999

AO3

A/N: Yeah I don't have much for this, it just kind of happened lmao please enjoy and if you want more uhh drop a like/reblog and hopefully my brain will throw out more ideas

The sky was still tinged with the dusty colors of dawn as the camp slowly woke up. Gale was sleepily digging through the collected rations, stifling yawns as he gathered ingredients for breakfast. Karlach was still snuffling out soft snores by the fire, the embers smoldering closest to her. Shadowheart was perched at the water's edge, pressing cold water to her face to chase away sleep. Lae'zel was beginning her morning stretches, the shining greatsword making slow sweeps through the air to cut down her imagined foes. Wyll was sitting by the fire near the sleeping tiefling looking barely more awake than her, but trying to encourage some life back into the wood. Astarion was still missing, assumedly out hunting or stealing some few quiet moments in the sun for himself. Tav was wearily sitting up in their bedroll, trying to rub the sleep from their eyes and cringing at the ache in their neck.

It was partly from sleeping on the ground and partly from the bite mark still healing from a few days ago. Shadowheart had offered to heal it properly the day it had happened, an unhappy slant to her mouth, but they had brushed her off with a smile. It was important to know the price, after all, and they had chosen to offer themselves. It didn't feel right to wave it away. They had relented to let the cleric properly dress the little wound, all too aware of the eyes staring down the vampire as it happened. The group had only been together for a few weeks, but everyone seemed a bit protective of Tav and a bit too ready to turn on the offending pair of fangs. No one had made more than a passing remark about it, at least, thanks in no small part to their insistence that they encouraged Astarion. That they trusted him. The man himself had been all smug smiles and shrugging confidence, but his gaze had been fixed on Tav through it all as if they were a queer puzzle; as if calculating where his next flash of teeth or dripping affections should be placed. It had sat uncomfortably on their shoulders ever since.

With a creaking yawn and shivering stretch, they rolled up their bed and plunked themselves next to Wyll. A murmuring good morning was exchanged, both of them equally half hearted in the attempt but smiling. They let a little bolt of fire spring from their fingers, properly igniting the logs the warlock had carefully propped back into order and he let the flint drop gratefully from his hands. They warmed themselves in peaceful quiet for a moment before the man was called over by Gale. Something about catching some fish for a refreshing breakfast and how the wizard could collect them himself with magic, but it was such a nice morning to ruin it with carnage. Tav smiled, huffing a quiet little laugh as they drooped forward on the log, eyes sliding closed. They were simply still tired from waking so early, that was all.

The log shifted as someone sat next to them and they started slightly, jerking awake as if preparing to get scolded. Shadowheart was perched next to them, doing a poor job to hide a laugh at their reaction. Her hair was neatly braided, not a single sign that the cleric had been resting even ten minutes prior. Her face was the usual mask of distant interest and hidden thoughts, but her eyes were fixed on the white bandage at their neck. They ran a hand almost nervously through their hair.

"Are you still exhausted, Tav?" She asked, not bothering to waste time with the check in this morning. "I confess little experience with such bites, but it worries me that you're still affected days later. Are you sure I can't heal it properly? We wouldn't want you to drop in battle over it."

They held their hands up defensively, shaking their head. "It's fine, I'm fine, honestly." They smiled, trying to disarm her worry. "I think it's just because of the last few days. Infiltrating the goblin camp has been a lot and letting that follower of Loviatar perform his, erm… ritual right after the bite was probably a poor idea on my part."

She huffed slightly, crossing her arms. "You didn't let me heal you after that, either. I am a competent cleric, you know. You don't have to rely on potions to fix everything."

"I know, I know!" There was a soothing tone to their voice, an almost sheepish look on their face. "I just… think there are better uses of your magic than fixing my choices. If we had gotten caught trying to find the druid, I figured it would be better if you had every option available in the fight. Being a little woozy isn't enough to take me out, anyways."

A heavy sigh escaped her as she shook her head. "You're hopeless, you know that? Our leader shouldn't be unsteady on their feet in a fight because they thought it was a good idea to let a vampire spawn use them as a snack." The term had fallen from her lips with venom, disdain obvious.

"Don't." The word snapped out before they caught themselves, a surprised look plain on their face before they rushed forward. "Um, please, don't call him a spawn. Not like that."

Her brows were furrowed, confused and a little annoyed. "Why ever not? It's exactly what he is."

They floundered for a moment, a hand spinning in the air as they tried to detangle their thoughts from a sleep addled mind. "It's, um, it's the way you said it. Like he's some gross creature instead of our companion."

She snorted, "Well…"

"I don't like it." They murmured, their mouth forming an unhappy line and eyes downcast. "We don't pick what we are or what our past was like. Maybe it's a little optimistic or soft of me, but if nothing else this whole situation is kind of like a new beginning, you know? We get to define ourselves again. I don't want to judge you all based on things that already happened, on ideas that others forced on us. You're all my dear companions and we're in this together. Our choices from here on matter more, right?"

"You're right, that is very soft." They both jumped at Astarion's voice coming from behind them suddenly, a wide grin on his bloody lips as they both turned to look at him. Shadowheart let out a little noise of disgust at the sight. "Do forgive my lack of decorum, I couldn't help but overhear you two on my way to wash up and felt the need to weigh in." He pointed a single delicate finger at the cleric. "You can call me whatever you like, I don't care. I'm honestly more surprised you can remember such disdain towards creatures like myself than I am offended by your tone considering the mess you let your dear goddess make of your head."

"Astarion!" Tav hissed, worry creasing their face as their eyes darted between the two.

Shadowheart's shoulders had climbed towards her ears as she pulled in a sharp breath, a look of thunder in her eyes. "Don't you dare try to talk to me about my holy mission. At least I have a purpose besides being a leech."

"At least I know what I'm about, darling." He countered smoothly, the smile on his lips all sharp edges.

"I didn't know slowly killing your own leader was such a strong identity to you." The cleric smirked, for all intents and purposes looking down on the vampire despite the height difference.

"Guys, please-" Tav tried to step between them, pleading, but they leaned closer together, sneering at each other as their voices rose.

"Careful, pet, I might try sampling you next. I do so enjoy a meal with spirit." His eyes were pure hunger as he loomed, a dire sight with blood still smeared around his mouth.

"Oh, do try. It'll be so fun to burn you to ash while you scream." Shadowheart was all cold angles and frigid looks, like a moonless night.

Tav was desperately trying to be heard over their barbs, frustration causing tears to prick their eyes. Why weren't they listening? This wasn't helping anything, but it was like nothing else existed beyond their vitriol for each other. A hand clutched at their shirt collar, trembling as they struggled to find the thread that would defuse the two before a large figure suddenly rose beside them. Karlach had woken up. They took a step back as she grabbed the offending party members by the scruff of their shirts and hauled them apart. She was quick to let go before her touch could properly cause harm, but it had been a sudden and very hot point of contact. They both yelped slightly, startled.

"It is too fucking early for you two to be yelling." The tiefling groused, voice thick with sleep still. "Can you go be school children out in the woods or something? Or better yet, stop freaking Tav out." They both snapped slightly guilty looks at the adventurer. "Great, good talk. I'm going to harass Gale for food now and if I hear yelling from either of you, I'm going to give you something to scream about."

As the warrior trudged over to where the wizard was cutting up veggies the two shot glares at each other. Tav was worried they were simply going to continue the fight, albeit a great deal quieter. They were about to bodily put themselves between them, but then Shadowheart let out an annoyed tch.

"This isn't over, Astarion." She snapped before smoothing out her rumpled shirt. "But Karlach is right. Besides, you aren't worth the breath."

He bodily rolled his eyes. "'Not over,' she says. Darling, it's been over before you even started swinging." And then he was suddenly too close to Tav, a finger hooked in the bandage around their neck and pulling gently. "Isn't that right, my sweet?" His voice was husked, dripping with smug affection and they couldn't help the blush that sprang to their cheeks as they slapped a hand over his. He laughed, eyes darting to the cleric. "You could just tell her instead of dancing around it every morning."

"Tell me what-" But then she stopped, realization dawning and her hands formed fists at her side. "Tav, have you been letting him feed from you this entire time?"

"I- um, well-" they stuttered, suddenly feeling very warm and lightheaded. "I mean, uh, sometimes- yes." The affirmation slipped free quietly as they deflated, defeated.

Shadowheart was pinching the bridge of her nose now as Astarion grinned devilishly at their side. "Oh, darkness preserve me," she muttered before rounding back on Tav. "I would have liked to know that. I can't make you stop indulging the spawn," and the word fell like another curse from her lips, "but I can at least counteract the effect. Next time, you are telling me and letting me heal you. I am not having this bastard be the reason you get hurt out there."

It wasn't a request, more of a demand, and they nodded numbly. "Okay. Sorry." They paused, almost vibrating with embarrassment. "Thank you, Shadowheart. For, um, caring, and trusting my decision."

"I think it's an incredibly stupid one, but we need all the help we can get, even from such pests." She hissed at Astarion before sighing, turning towards her tent. "And do wash up, Astarion. You look abysmal like that."

"Maybe to you! Tav seems to like it well enough." He was grinning wolfishly at them, eyebrow cocked.

They smothered a distraught noise in their hands, hiding. "Why did you do that?" They whined. "Now everyone knows."

"Are you ashamed, darling?" His tone had been jovial, teasing, but there was an edge in it.

"I mean, no, not exactly. It's just… we had a nice system and no one knew. They wouldn't say anything about it…" They were struggling again to sort out their feelings.

"Pet, they were going to notice the bandage never being taken off and always freshly applied." He was patting their head much like one comforts a sulking cat. "Besides, that was a far more fun reveal than letting them slowly piece it together."

"Then why do I feel mortified?" They groaned, dragging their hands over their face.

"You're a sweet, innocent creature unused to having such a devilishly charming specimen like myself showering you with affections." He offered brightly, linking an arm with theirs and leading them towards the water's edge.

"You are incorrigible." Tav sighed, begrudgingly letting themselves be pulled away from the warm fire.

"In all the best ways." He winked, flashing them a brilliant smile.

They nudged him playfully with their elbow and he laughed, the sound fresh and crisp to their ears. It caused their unease to melt instantly, a happy hum escaping them. They lingered a few steps behind him on the pebbled shore, perching on a rock as he knelt down. A hand hovered over the water, almost nervous, before he pressed it into the cold current. They thought idly how it must be a wonder for him, being in the sun and enjoying moving water without pain or worse. How the world must be so much fuller than he was used to. As he pressed handfuls of water to his lips, ruby streams washing away, they simply watched. The morning sun danced as silver light through his hair, glimmering in his crimson eyes, and shimmering in the water droplets he was wiping clean. He was dazzling in the daylight. It was easy to understand how so many had become his victims. There was a nagging worry in the back of their mind, wondering if they were simply his next mark. But then he was looking at them, that knowing smirk on his lips and crooked brow taunting and they couldn't help but smile.

"Enjoying yourself over there?" He teased, running a wet hand through his curls. "I am a rather distracting sight, aren't I?"

"The sun suits you." They murmured, lost for a moment in thought. "You're beautiful in its light."

He blinked at them, the usual charm melting away from the blunt compliment before it reasserted itself. He mimed an exaggerated swoon, grinning. "You can call me whatever you like if you keep showering me with such glowing compliments." Their mood seemed to fall at that, brows furrowing, and he let out a questioning hum as he stood to face them. "What is it, darling?"

They wrapped their arms around themselves, as if finally feeling the cold morning air. "Doesn't it bother you?" Their voice wavered slightly as they tried to delicately pick their words. "How people call you such terrible things, with such ugly sounds?"

He sighed, propping a hand on his hip as the other waved in the air. "I stopped dedicating so much energy to that decades ago. I'm achingly gorgeous and it's obvious they all know it, I see it in their eyes, hear it in how their hearts skip in my presence. What do I care if they call me spawn or leech when I know they're furious over how beautiful I am?" His free hand came to rest under his chin, framing his face as he fluttered delicate eyelashes at them. "I'd love it if they would simply flatter me like I deserve, but with their own bodies betraying their want, the scathing names can be just as enjoyable."

They were searching his face as he preened, trying to peel back the honeyed words to find the core of the feeling. There was a hollowness to him that they just couldn't quite place. A mechanical touch to his every move that was steadily confusing them the more time they spent together. It felt like a front of sorts, though they didn't quite grasp why he was always throwing it up. They wanted to reach out to him, cradle his face with tender hands and soothe whatever roiling ocean thrashed below his surface. They wanted to understand why he was always on the defense, dancing around them and keeping them at arm’s length.

Their mouth moved silently, awkwardly trying to form the desire into words. But their heart stuttered with fear, afraid that questioning him would cause him to dance further away, to melt into the sunlight and disappear. So instead they bit their lip, head bowing slightly as their hands tangled together in their lap. "It bothers me." They offered meekly. "We're supposed to be a team, helping each other get through this, but still they resort to such… such name-calling and bitterness. You haven't done anything to deserve being dismissed with spawn. You aren't a leech for needing blood to live. You aren't a pest simply because of your concern for yourself. Being different," their voice faltered, quiet, "doesn't make you less than others."

The rocks hadn't made a sound as he closed the distance between them, the only indication of his presence the shadow he cast and the cool touch of his hand on their cheek. He kneeled before them, ducking his head to theirs so his crimson eyes could meet their gaze, half lidded and searching. His thumb swept over over their lips, a smile gracing his own. "I do not care what they say. What need have I for their opinions when I have such sublime notions for me falling from your lips? Their praise is hollow compared to my name on your tongue. Your smile banishes all their petty jealousy like the sun banishes the rains. The world pales in comparison to your divine laugh." He was leaning in closer now, head tilted to the side slightly, mouth almost brushing theirs as his voice fell to a hush. "If I could have you, my sweet, then I would want for nothing."

They didn’t move as he kissed them, his hand sliding to the back of their head to press more firmly. They were too overwhelmed, too baffled at this turn of events. He was a helpless flirt, but he was like that to everyone. They weren’t special, they hadn’t thought they were so special. Yet it still felt like a performance, like he had rehearsed those lines in the mirror for a month straight before offering them up. As his fangs nipped at their lips, his tongue searching to pass them, their face contorted unhappily. Their hands pressed against his chest, pushing back against his advance as a displeased hum vibrated through them. He pulled back sharply, a mess of emotions on display. Foremost was sheer terror before it instantly warped into confused anger, indigent at their response. It was as if he had never been denied before.

It caused them to pause, their annoyance melting to panicked realization. He would misunderstand, had misunderstood. They hadn’t meant to walk him down this road, not like this. They never did. Their hands scrambled on the rock as they pulled themselves to their feet, taking large steps back and gulping for air. His own motions were slow, measured as he stood, head tilted in accusation and a sharp glint in his eyes. He pressed a hand to his chest, bowing ever so slightly as the other swept away from him.

“I didn’t mean to startle you.” He husked, an almost uncertain lilt to his voice. “I can be slower, gentler if that’s what you want.”

Something about the way he said want rang with a sour note to them. They shook their head adamantly, hands held up in defense before them. Rocks ground under their foot as their weight shifted, anxiety buzzing through their skull as they struggled against the turmoil brewing in their heart. He seemed to falter slightly, the corner of his mouth twitching in disbelief.

“Did you want me to be more forceful?” There was a purr now to his voice, a fascination.

Their whole body almost shook with their abject refusal, one hand holding up a finger begging him to just wait. They needed a moment to find the key for the locked door their voice had fled behind. He let out an almost exasperated sigh, his shoulders jumping with the breath before his hands were perched back on his hips.

“Well, what do you want then?” He was almost whining now, pouting at them. “I’m very flexible, I’ll have you know. Whatever you desire, I’m sure I can manage it.”

“Stop.”Their voice was so small, barely above a whisper as they trembled. “I want you to stop.”

And he did. He froze for a moment, blinking in the morning light, mouth slightly agape before the gears began to turn once more. He held his hands up this time, taking a step back and dipping his head towards them. “Of course, pet. Whatever you want.”

Still, still, it struck them as wrong. They screwed their eyes shut, forcing out long, agonizingly slow breaths. They brushed their hands over their face, tangling their fingers in their hair before letting out a last lengthy exhale. They were still trembling, but their eyes were firm as they opened and fixed on him.

“I didn’t mean,” they started slowly, voice shivering, “to make you think I wanted that. I…” And they trailed off as a wall went up in him, a cold wave washing through them. “I’m not like other people when it comes to this. I’m not- not disinterested, I just…” They floundered, a hand churning the air. “People usually are interested so fast in each other, right? Love at first sight and bodies aflame for each other. I don’t… I don’t experience that. Not like others. It’s…” They pulled in a gulping breath, eyes skittering to the ground so they wouldn’t have to see his expression morph like all the others. “I don’t fall like that. I’m- I’m slower. I need more time. I need to know you better before…” Their voice failed, bitter memories bubbling up and they blinked stinging eyes. “People don’t like waiting, usually, on a maybe. I understand if you’re upset-”

They jumped as his hand was back on their cheek, startled at how quickly and silently he was back in front of them. “It doesn’t have to be love.” He murmured. “It can just be physical, if you want.” He was cradling their head in both his hands, holding their gaze up to his. He was leaning down again and they shook. “Let me take care of you, repay you.”

Their hands shot back up to his chest, pushing sharply as they pulled their face away. Realization shot through them like they were a tree in a lightning storm. Things started to fall into place, his words and tone suddenly making sense. Repay you. The performance, the words, the touches, they were meant as a transaction. What in the world was he hoping to buy from them? What made him feel like he owed them? He was scandalized again, this time anger showing true on his face, but there was a desperation in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” they babbled instantly, so, so scared he would leave, “I’m sorry, Astarion. I…” They were lost in his hurt gaze, struggling to find land in the roiling ocean. They swallowed thickly, blinking away tears. “You don’t have to repay anything. I’ve done nothing…” They faltered, a hazy memory of a night, days prior, coming back. This is a gift. It was like a floodgate opened in them, their words coming too fast, too numerous. “Oh, Astarion, no. No, no, no, it’s not- you don’t have to do anything- I gave my blood freely!”

“Nothing is free.” His words came out sharp like a dagger, cutting, before he softened. He almost crooned. “It’s easier like this, isn’t it? I promise, you’ll have a night you’ll never forget.”

“Will you forget it, then?” The question fell unbidden from their lips, regret causing their hand to cover their mouth instantly. A strange look came over him and they were back to apologizing on loop. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking. I-,” they paused, taking a breath to try and silence their thundering heart, “I don’t want you doing something you don’t want because you feel you owe me. I’ll always let you have my blood, even if you never speak to me again after this. You’re a dear friend to me and I want to help. Honestly, I just like having you around so if you need to pay me back somehow, then can you just… stay?”

“Stay?” He echoed, a curious grin pulling at his mouth. “What do you mean? At your side or in camp, or-”

“Just stay, here, in general. Don’t disappear one day and never come back. Don’t- don’t go so far into yourself that you never return.” They almost hiccuped in the next breath, a bitterness spilling free in their chest. “Don’t just nod along and then abandon me. Don’t leave me alone. Please.”

His head tilted to the side, faint confusion in his eyes. “And that’s what you want?”

They nodded mutely, hands clenching and unclenching at their side. “A-and maybe, later, in the future, if I decide I do want you like that, that I want more, then we can… if you also want it. If you’re okay with maybe.”

He stood in silence, eyes drifting from head to toe of them before he let out a dramatic sigh, shrugging. “Then I suppose I am yours in maybe.” The playful charm was quick to return to his eyes, his grin flashing fangs. “But I will not be relenting in my attempts to charm you into a memorable night. You’re too much fun.”

A nervous laugh bubbled in their throat, gaze falling to the ground out of embarrassment. “Now that I know of your interest, that… that’ll change my reaction.” And they scrubbed a hand over their face as he laughed in pure delight at their flustered reaction. “And, if drinking my blood makes you feel… like you owe me, then, I don’t know… Maybe we can find another way to sate you that isn’t so guilt ridden?”

This time his laugh was all breath, rumbling deep in his chest. “I think you will find I am very hard to sate, pet.” They couldn’t help the blush his tone caused and his grin was wolfish. “But, if you aren’t too squeamish, I could simply take a bite out of the next vagabond that draws their weapon on us. They’re dead either way.”

They weren’t especially keen to see just how vicious a vampire bite could be, but it was a good fix. Plus the party wouldn’t be so mad at him for using them as a snack. They bobbed their head. “That should work. But!” Their hand shot out to catch his sleeve, tugging slightly. “But, if you can’t get to someone in a fight, then you can still ask me. I don’t want you to go hungry. We can figure out ‘payments’ beforehand if you want. I just…”

He crooked a hand under their chin, his other wrapping around to the small of their back and pulling them snug to his chest. “Darling, you don’t have to say. I know you enjoy getting bitten. You were shaking so adorably last night it was hard not to notice.” He tilted their head to the side before ghosting a kiss to their neck, just above the bandage. “I may sneak a nibble from time to time, if you permit. You are simply too delectable to ignore.”

They let out a nervous laugh, gently pushing him away. “Okay, but does it always have to be the neck? This thing is itchy.”

His hand traced down their throat, fingers dancing along their pulse. “You could always just let the world know you’re mine.” They flapped a hand at the contact, shivering, and he let his hand drop to theirs. He pressed their palm to his cheek, placing a kiss on their wrist. “But yes, I could bite elsewhere. There are more discreet places, even, if you take me up on my offer.”

“Oh gods, you’re terrible.” Their free hand was trembling at their temple as they tried to look everywhere but at the vampire’s eyes. “I trust you won’t take advantage of me?”

He paused, brow furrowing for a second before the emotion was smoothed away. “Only in the ways you let me.” He let their hand fall free, smirking still. “Only as you want.”

They huffed at him, shaking their head. “You know what I want right now?” He didn’t answer, his eyes simply narrowing slightly, waiting. “Breakfast. I can smell it cooking. And since you already ate… whatever you found today, you can’t fault me for wanting my own meal.”

The usual taunting smile was back on his lips as he turned back towards camp, an arm crooked invitingly to them. “A stray wolf, separated from its pack and too close to the camp, considering how useless their presence makes our resident cleric. I elected to remove the problem before everyone woke up to her screaming.”

“And then you picked a fight with her and woke Karlach up anyways.” They sighed, taking his arm.

“Hm, well, she was being very rude and it’s fun to needle her.” He hummed, eyes crinkling with his amusement.

“So you do care, just a little, what they think of you.” 

“Just a little.” He conceded before a wicked grin spread across his face. “And if you tell anyone that, I’ll start revealing every little bite I give you.”

They let out a strangled whine and banged a fist weakly against his arm as he laughed, letting him lead them back to the fire where their companions were starting to settle down for a proper meal together.

#very unsure on the tags and set up and junk I have never shared fic before lmao #Astarion #Tav #astarion x tav #bg3 #sorry it's all allusions to more but Act 1 be like that #also a slight note on demi Tav of uh #the tadpole gives them little windows so you're likely to know the party better and faster than normal #so maybe it's a little quick for them to already be falling but idk #almost dying daily and a psychic link make timelines wibbly wobbly to me #also he's lying!!! like the whole time they are talking Astarion is Lying #I have to justify this to myself so I don't make things too plain and direct #okaythanksforreadingbye

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So about that scene in WN where Beatrice is reading that journal entry to Ava...

I’ve only watched Warrior nun once this weekend, but I went back to rewatch this scene in particular and, there is just SO SO much to unpack from the suitcase this scene dropped on my lap 

1. Ava being like daamn she's translating straight from french that's hot (ava is someone who has effectively so far, missed on her entire life, missed on the most basic stuff walking, sensory tactile daily input, socialization outside of abuse. So she's truly getting to know and see and experience everything for the first time, she is hungry for living and knowing and finding out. So in this sense ofc it makes absolute sense that she'd be attracted to Beatrice who is pretty much a walking library, she's attracted to her on an instinctual level from moment one, she's just not rationalized yet that she is, but the magnetism is there) 

2. Ava repeating the word lesbich, because ofc her golden retriever brain would be like hey I know a whole new word and in a foreign language how cool is that?!! While also being painfully unaware that that word carries so much weight and pain for Beatrice and must be likely cringing internally to have the object of her affection just throwing the word around like it's nothing 

3. Ava's 'yeah she did!'. Once again reaching only an initial level of analysis and being excited because the nun in the story is a bada$s who just won't put up with abuse, cause in her eyes that must be literally so cool therefore violence and retribution is righteous. 

4. And then being crestfallen when she's notices Beatrice strong reaction to the whole story, then she's capable of grasping a deeper level of understanding of everything that's behind. It's not just retribution, it's hatred and fear and abject pain. She gets a glimpse of the other side of the coin, what the nun in the story/Beatrice deals with. A blinding rage, and overwhelming pain. It's not justice driving the sword, it's trauma. Her facial expression switched in seconds as does her approach to the rest of the story. 

5. Now she's able to see a connection between the warrior nun in this journal and Bea, she knows it is something primal but still can't put her finger exactly on what, yet she can feel that an immense pain is the thread that weaves both the story and Bea's visceral response to it.

6. Bea's realization that she's isn't the only one, she's not the only gay warrior sister. Up to this point I'm sure she must have felt isolated even inside her religious community, which became her family. They know who she is, but they don't know her completely. But there was someone just like her, through time, even at the distance she's not alone,  and she can also reach that feeling of being fully herself and at peace (I’ll forever wonder how Bea related to Shanon and Mary about this specific point). 

7. Bea being pissed at Ava's obliviousness. Ava being so close to the central theme of the story but still failing to connect they last final dots, which would save Bea an enormous amount of time working to an admission or confession of her love (which we actually didn't get, only after Ava was gone. Not even when Ava kissed her, not even when Ava took the leap and actually said I love you. Bea just wasn't going to be able to take those steps on time), if Ava could just realize by herself what Bea is feeling for her... But she doesn't and then Bea snaps because rly ava?! C'mon work with us here. 

8. Bea's gut wrenching admission that she became an academic overachiever to compensate for being gay. Now this is actually personal to me and I'm sure to most of the queer community, we've been there. Bea at some point literally felt she had no value as a person, only through discipline and excellence in everything she does :’(  she probably still feels that way, up until meeting Ava.

9. Bea dead a$s saying: 'What (who) you love, what (who) should make you happy only brings you pain'... while looking directly at ava.... Ava, sweaty, darling, honey baby, adoptive child of literal divine light, god’s chosen champion... my sister in Christ. Bea is pouring out her bleeding heart, looking straight into your eyes, admitting that even tho she loves you and you make her happy, you bring her pain. And in so many ways, as a christian believer/nun who's been told her whole life that being gay means your are doomed and automatically going to super hell, as a young queer woman who has gone to the almost ultimate stage of self denial of herself and her sexuality by becoming a nun, as a sister warrior entrusted with the safety of the halo bearer, as Ava’s very first and actual close friend, as a gay mess who’s trying so hard to keep her feelings on check because her relationship to Ava involves literally the world’s salvation and she has no idea if Ava is exclusively straight/or remotely queer. I cannot even with this specific exchange pls. This pained me on a molecular level because I was transported to my crush on a girl I met at bible camp when I was a prepubescent. (Yes I was at one point and against my will, an uncool christian nerd I’m no stranger to christianity and its multicomplex traumatic interseccion with queerness). And I still to this day wonder what became of Irene my Bible camp crush

10. Ava (despite not reaching the full understanding of the situation that Bea would like her to have) is emotionally smart, so whatever it is that's bothering Bea so much, she'll offer to listen to her, and if she isn't ready to do so, she can wait; but in the meantime she'll make damn sure to let Bea know that Beatrice isn't just 'barely acceptable', nor 'simply enough'. She is seen, she is full, whole and beautiful.

I did NOT need to have Beatrice thrusted upon me, introduced only to be taken away like this. I was living just fine without this knowledge, but yet here we are 

#warrior nun #analysis #sister beatrice #can't believe we don't even have her last name #ava silva #once again tumblrs lesbians kicked me into a new show #I think this will be my only post about warrior nun #just had to process this particular scene #no I am not crying over the fact that I have bonded over a fictional character that is not coming back #also Alba is portuguese #portugal can you truly chill for 5 mins or like a whole decade? bro

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How do I explain to a very close friend that what is happening hurts me, an American Jew? That seeing people deny Jews as having a homeland in the area that is Israel reinforces antisemitic stereotypes and that stating there is an imbalance of power where the Jews/Israel have more power is inherently antisemitic. One of the things that hurt me the most was her inability to say that Jews had a right to live in Israel; she couldn't say what a solution would be, even when I have explained the idea of a two state solution, even when I would have been fine with some kind of generalized "I believe in a world without borders and everyone is equal". She played the "antizionism is not antisemitism" card. She kept stating "all the research I have done shows me x" but wouldn't say where that research was done. I care about this person deeply and in all other regards in politics she seems completely able to grasp the nuances and complexities of situations. What are some resources and ideas of how to start a conversation?

First and foremost, stay very up to date on what's happening. It is so so so important to understand that, a lot of the time, these awful views come from ignorance. These people are only seeing one side, the side Hamas wants them to see. Being informed, both on what they're seeing and what makes those things untrue, is central to battling misinformation.

Ask your friend if they would define the hatred for any other minority. Would they tell a Black person what anti-Black racism looks like? Would they explain to a queer person what is or isn't homophobic? Would they say that it's important to see the ableist's perspective to a disabled person? It's important to recognize and point out those double standards.

Also, what happened and is happening in Israel affects all of us around the world physically, mentally, and emotionally. I don't know whether you have any blood relatives in Israel, but I know you have family there. About seven million. We are all still in shock and mourning over what happened, and that is completely valid. But also, there has been a drastic spike in antisemitism globally. I know that as a Jewish college student living on campus, I am not safe. It's not just that I don't feel safe, I'm not safe. None of us can be safe or feel safe while Hamas propaganda is so rampant in our society. The fact that what is happening in Israel affects you as an American Jew is not just your opinion or perception or point of view. It's a fact. Anyone who denies it is ignorant and/or antisemitic.

The inability to recognize the indigenous heritage of Jews in relation to Israel has been so so so harmful in this issue. I highly recommend Rootsmetals on Instagram for learning more about these things, she makes very comprehensive informative posts.

Antizionism is antisemitism, because Zionism is a foundational Jewish value, and to deny it is to deny Jewish heritage and history. In the Torah we are referred to as one of two things. "B'nei Yisrael" and "Am Yisrael", children and nation of Israel, respectively. Every year after pesach we say "next year in Jerusalem" and this isn't new. This is an ancient tradition recognizing our roots there. During the Amidah prayer we turn to face Israel, yet again highlighting our connection to the land. The letters written on our Hanukkah dreidels vary depending on whether they were made in Israel or not. Heck, Hanukkah itself is a holiday about us reclaiming our homeland from Greek imperialism.

Also explain that Hamas's foundational goal is the genocide of Jews. Their charter is available on the internet, if your friend doesn't believe you she can read it herself. This isn't a war of land. This is a war of survival, and it is a war Israel did not start.

I'll be honest with you. All of the facts and rationality in the world will not be enough to change some people's minds. If that is, G-d forbid, the case with your friend, then it'll be up to you how you deal with that. There is no pressure to cut her out of your life if that doesn't seem like the right option to you, but you also shouldn't feel like you have to stay friends with her for any reason if that makes you uncomfortable.

Frankly, there are two questions that pose the ultimate test. How does she feel about the October 7th massacre, and can she confidently say that Hamas is a violent terrorist organization.

Failure to condemn both or even one of those is despicable and inherently antisemitic due to the goals of Hamas.

I'm sorry if this wasn't much help, but it's all I have to offer.

Am Yisrael chai, stay strong.

#Israel #am yisrael chai #jumblr #jewish #judaism #antizionism is antisemitism #antisemitism has no place here #fuck antisemitism #fuck hamas #discussion #advice