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andthebeanstalk · 11 months

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Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need.#the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist.#the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28!#a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents.#they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong.#and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives.#you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead?#or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of.#no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow.#i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong.#just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

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bluepallilworld · 9 months

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HEY I MADE A BAD GUYS MUG THAT DOES NOT GIVE AWAY YOU'RE AN UTMV FAN :D

If you want it, I know have a society6 account :3

https://society6.com/product/dark8445873_mug?sku=s6-27459703p30a27v199

@shinechermont hehe it is the project I was talking about (thanks for the inspiration for what objects to use)

#hehehehehhehe #I spent so long on it #what do you think?#if you have ideas about what I could sell on there tell me!#I think I may try to do designs for socks or something next #it's sooooo fun #no pressure to buy it tho uwu #utmv #bad sanses #I have it in sticker form too #put some old drawings on the shop to test stuff so they aren't much proper things yet #and given my laptop is not working any new stuff will have to wait a bit #if someone buys it I think I'm gonna faint actually #I'm just happy to have finished that #I really hope the print won't destroy the drawing :/

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 1 month

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I want you whipped into shape!

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #better drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #yu ziyuan #wang lingjiao #wen zhuliu #'When I say jump - say “how high'”? You know you're doing it right when you start to cry!“#Of course I can't resist the Legally blonde reference. This is the Elle Woods is canon in PD-MDZS blog #I love this scene so much. There are a lot of things to say about it and I would go over the limit if I indulged.#Suffice it to say the main takeaway *here* is that I think YZY is milfboss of the millennia.#I intended for this to be posted on international women's day but my ambition led me to keep trying to make it better.#And by better I mean I spent several days (re)drawing this one and that is **not** what poorly-drawn-mdzs is supposed to be about.#I will be making the next few comics worse to compensate <3 At the very least I will honour my time and tag it as 'better drawn'#('my time' spent hunched over my desk while I chant 'this concept is *not* above my skill level!' over and over again)#Funny story about PD!Wen Zhuliu; he was supposed to show up sooner but I kept accidently cutting the comics he would have been in.#So I like to think he just went on a long coffee run. 'Go get me an (insert coffee chain) pink drink' said Wen Chao.#'He never said from which location' said Wen Zhuliu as he proceeded to walk 100km to the farthest cafe he could find.

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hydrachea · 3 months

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Do you think god lives in fear of what they've created.

#i like to think so #honkai star rail #hsr #hsr stelle #hsr nanook #i should make one for yaoshi too because yaoshi is ALSO extremely fine #but then i'd have to go down the entire list of gilfs (gods i'd like to f-)#and we'd just never be done then would we #especially since the trailblazer is canonically thirsty for a couple aeons without me even needing to do anything #we all know they're super normal about lan #per a certain swarm disaster occurrence #who would win: the godly incarnation of the concept of destruction or one feral human with a bomb in their body and zero self-preservation #i spent way too long making this #we commit to our bits here #even against all common sense #ray's records #nanook please show up in the simulated universe again i miss you

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xxrat--punkxx · 8 months

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Repair day

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aeymii · 11 days

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Sometimes, you just gotta sit back and draw this a-hole✨

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kyootiepies · 2 years

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The Hero and his Horse Finally, I can share my finished master study based on Joaquín Sorolla's "The Horse's Bath (1909), painted for Atelier Hylia Vol.1! I spent so many long hours trying to replicate the textures and energetic brushstrokes of the original, and I learned so much along the way! Make sure to check out @ AtelierHylia on Twitter to see the rest of this amazing collection of Zelda master studies! Believe me, they are truly spectacular!

#botw #legend of zelda #breath of the wild #the legend of zelda #loz #atelier hylia #hello i am back again with some art after several hot minutes #do you still remember me tumblr?#anyhoo i spent SO so long on this please enjoy it #and look at the rest of the collection!! it's free!! and AMAZING!!!

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shevr · 1 year

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whats down there

#shevr #my lines #experiment in expanding on a rough thing which i don't think turned out stellar but i still spent too long on it so it goes here #should i try to get in a habit ofsharing stuff easily so i can get gratification on doodling a few things and so do it more often ?#or should i knock that off and be cooler about it and just do things for myself ? idk i still haven't figured that out #wanna be one of the cool people who share a cool cool piece once in a while but still do tons of awesome sketches that r never shared yknow #that's maybe not me yet but maybe someday aaaah hey. hey you should go listen to Get Inspired by Genesis Owusu btw

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pinkd3mon · 9 months

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Gardening pals

#kirby #kots #kirby of the stars #kirby fanart #hoshi no kirby #taranza #Galacta Knight #last year I had it revealed to me in a dream that Galacta would enjoy gardening #it made so much sense back then #it doesn't make sense now but i don't make the rules #i think Taranza could show Galacta how to interact with fragile things without you know killing them #Galacta has been destructive for so long they have been used as a weapon for as long as they remember #and then being free and discovering they are capable of gentleness???#the best i think #i started rendering this yesterday i spent like 4 hours on it until i realized i hate rendering so gray it is #please forgive me rendering gods I'm just no good #morpho butterflies surround Galacta in the garden if it wasn't clear #i know some people see them and freak out for obvious reasons but they're kind to Galacta and Galacta is still grateful to them #do you like galacta's cap it took me so long to figure out out how to get it on their head #i don't know anything about gardening so i just made Taranza hold any gardening tool I could think of #he has too many hands in my opinion i don't know what to do with them

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mossy-paws · 2 months

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could you draw the new vinestaff skin?? :)

Here ya go!

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coolsvilleprincess · 2 months

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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!! <3

Wanted to draw a bunch of different pairings so here we go!! I wanted to draw them on how I imagine their dates with each other would go.

Fred and Shaggy started out on a walk but halfway through Fred saw a place they caught a bad guy once and started reminiscing on their good times spent together and who is Shaggy to complain, they definitely went to get food after it though.

Daphne and Fred went to a screening at the Coolsville local cinema where they were showing one of the first ever 3D movies. When the movie is over Fred spends the rest of their date talking about how impressive the improvements to 3D films have been since they were first invented. Daphne doesn't mind that much since she still gets to cuddle and they also probably went to get food after it where Daphne assigns their friends roles in the movie they just watched.

Shaggy and Daphne went to a football game where Shaggy gets to eat very many football game foods such as Hotdogs and whatever else they eat at football games. Daphne isn't even rooting for a team cause at first she wasn't sure about going but it hits halftime and she's caught up in the atmosphere and uses the celebration of any of the teams scoring as an excuse to kiss Shaggy.

Velma and Daphne are working on very important mystery solving and journalism career things on their laptops so they don't have time to go on a date date HOWEVER that will not stop them from flirting through messages as they work. Daphne sends Velma things like videos and songs that remind her of her and Velma can't flirt back so she just sends hearts like a disaster lesbian, good for her tbh.